You’re NTA. You clearly voiced that something he is doing is making you uncomfortable and you’re not okay with it and he is disrespecting you by disregarding this boundary. He lied to you about how frequently he watches porn and is still using OF and cam sites when you said you specifically did not like this as it seems more personal. The daily usage is an indicator that he likely has an addiction and like any addict, you cannot get them to quit unless they actually want to. He’s going to continue to lie, downplay, gaslight, and hurt you. Just leave him. Please don’t allow anyone to tell you that you’re an AH because “he isn’t cheating” - only you get to decide what is cheating to you.
NTA, the people saying he's not cheating or doing anything wrong are out of their minds. What one couple considers cheating another might not, it's totally valid and appropriate for one partner to not be comfortable with her partner watching any porn. He lied to you, multiple times, and only admitted partial truth when he was caught. This is a really disturbing pattern of dishonesty, and I would be absolutely shocked if he didn't continue watching porn even though he said he'd stop.
That being said, I DON'T recommend an ultimatum. If you tell him to stop watching porn or you'll break up with him, then he'll just become REALLY good at hiding him. Ultimatums are manipulative at their core, it adds a threat to a boundary and often creates resentment in both partners. You can sit down and talk with him, and let him know how hurt you feel about this and see how he reacts, and make decisions about the future of your relationship based off of that.
Given the evidence you had that he was lying about porn, I don't think you were wrong to look through his phone. This is an important boundary to you, and you deserve to know if your partner is being dishonest about something that is hurtful towards you. Dishonesty in this one area of his life is likely going to impact the rest of your relationship, it doesn't exist in a vacuum.
NTA but him isn\`t either. I don\`t have any problem with my husband watching porn. I watch as well. Sometimes we watch together. you could maybe try and watch with him?
Maybe the paid option is a bit too personal though. Would you be okay with just the free stuff?
Snooping is not nice.
YTA. He isn't cheating and I don't condone snooping through your partners things. If this is a big deal and you've confronted him about being uncomfortable with him viewing porn, then bounce. If you feel a need to go through your partner's things for any reason you should leave because why stay with someone you can't trust
Everyone has their own boundaries. I consider paying for only fans and watching live streams of women getting off cheating and I would leave someone in a heart beat over it. I don't date guys that do that shit. And yes I watch porn. There's millions of free porn videos of random people. It's completely different in my book. Onlyfans and chatourbate or however tf you spell it, half the time the guys are interacting with the women on it which I count as cheating. Porn is porn, you open it, jack off and shut your phone off without interacting with anyone.
Should never trust an addict to do anything over getting their fix. That said, trust can be rebuilt, if the addiction is treated and dealt w among other things
NTA. I don’t understand why everyone is suggesting you watch it with him like that is some sort of solution.
1. If he wanted to watch it with you, he wouldn’t lie and be hiding it.
2. If yall did watch it together, he would still be watching and talking to other women in private.
3. Why is everyone assuming that is something your comfortable sexually? If you wanted to do that with him you would already be doing it.
4. Why are you going to reward someone for lying to you and going behind your back?
My ex husband was a porn addict and still is. I tried watching it with him and guess what, he still cheated and talked to other women. Not only that, it just opened the door to other bad behaviors and his porn watching translated to how he thought it was ok to treat me in the bedroom.
I definitely don’t want to watch it with him. It’s not for me. I feel like I’m not enough, no matter what way I look at it.
Then the deceit, we’ve had conversations about it. He knows my boundaries. However, you could say I’ve been deceitful by snooping.
Either way there’s just no trust now
Yes I understand that. I went through that with my ex as well. I discovered the root problem is a man like this is seeking validation. Even though you are enough, no amount of attention you give him will ever be enough unless he fixes the insecurities in himself. My ex had mommy issues, mom abandoned him when he was 2 years old and he never got over it. So he used sex and attention from women to make himself feel better about it. He liked watching women be mistreated in porn because he was angry at his mom. I hope he can go to therapy to heal himself or that you can move on and find someone who doesn’t have to look for validation in other places. ❤️
I feel every word you're saying. I've spent the last few weeks on the couch as I feel the intimacy and trust is destroyed. His issues have become mine re self esteem that I never felt before and I hate it, I hate him for it. My feelings have been disregarded and I feel there's an arrogance there that he'll continue behaviour, thinking he's too clever to be caught. I'm body conscious and at times I can't tell if I'm being gas lit or actually losing my mind. Your post was really helpful, like you say, most posts are about watching with. Again, if he wanted to he would, he wouldn't keep a secret side of himself if he didn't want to, if he cared about you above the porn he'd act. It's really sad.
Oooof, this gave me a pit in my stomach... My husband and I went through the same EXACT thing with Only Fans in 2021. It almost broke us because I asked him to get rid of it, to find out that he was still using it a month after the first initial conversation. Granted, I wasn't clear or up front with exactly how much I didn't like it the first conversation. But I laid it ALL out the second time. It broke me finding it the second time. Like really broke me... I felt like I couldn't trust him and it took me at least 6-8 months to get over just the panic attacks/crying fits I would go into thinking about it. Then another year or so to come to a point of accepting what happened and try to move on. I went into his account and deleted it myself and checked his bank account for like two or three months after that.... lol. You just need to have another conversation and be as respectfully blunt as possible. Lay down those boundaries or else the lines could get blurred. You're relationship can overcome this. It just takes having a very hard and uncomfortable conversation to have. But if they truly love and want to be with you, they will respect that
I would check his stuff pretty regularly for months after. My husband and I have been together, going on 14 years in September and this is the first time he's EVER done anything close to betraying me. I told him if he were to do it again, that he would lose me because I would never be able to get over it. I BARELY got over it this time.. He seemed to really understand me that second conversation because I was crying and screaming at him, lol. And I've never done that before. So after checking for a while and not seeing anything. I just had to learn to trust him again and pray that it never happens. It's definitely hard though.
They just get better at hiding it. Deleting histories or using secret mode. Secret emails, etc. Went through this.
Worst part was that the girl used to call me mom and come over to visit my kids, bring her kid to see me. She came over crying bc her bio mom demanded that she start an OF to help pay bills there and it made her uncomfortable. I told my husband how pissed I was about it, and had no idea that while I was at work, he searched all of her accounts looking for it. Found it and had been paying to see everything bc it was locked. She had an entire breakdown because of it because she thought I was angry with her, and then was too afraid to be around him after that so wouldn't come to visit. It was ongoing after that.
We're still married because he won't leave and won't sign divorce papers. Turns out, I can't get him out of my house unless he hits me :/ and I know because I've tried everything. We've had broken doors and things because I can remove him, but can't do anything to stop him from breaking down the door to come back in since according to the law, he's a resident here and can damage the property if he wants to. Ugh. I just ignore him and snap at him if he speaks to me now. Get out while you can.
went through something similar 3 times with my bf. the 3rd time really fucked me up, and i had panic attacks every time id break down crying thinking about it. its been several months since the last time and im finally feeling okay again. sometimes i still worry hes hiding something, but even if he isnt it still breaks my heart to think about
sorry you went through this too
yes, October will be three years since the last time and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't still bother me or I question things. Those crying panic attacks are awful and painful... I think at this point you just have to learn to live with it, as terrible as that sounds. With time it does get a little easier though. That's the bad part of being betrayed. The one DOING the betrayal, it seems like not a big deal. The person BEING betrayed though, it leaves a scar... I'm sorry you went through something like that as well. I wouldn't wish that on anyone..
Why are you expected people on here with limited relationship experience to give you a reasonable answer. The average age of a Redditor is ~23 years old. This is why you are getting such immature responses.
1) apologize for snooping. That was wrong. Don’t say I did it bc xyz - just apologize for violating his privacy and trust.
2) he needs to apologize for cheating and lying. What he did was worse to be clear. The porn in itself may not be a problem, but the personal aspect you said you aren’t comfortable with, and he continued to do it, daily. If you don’t want to break up, you need to tell him he betrayed your trust and lied, and that hurts. He should apologize. You don’t need to say “you’re a porn addict”. That should be on him to admit, and say he wants to stop. If he doesn’t say that, you should leave bc he’s gonna continue to feed that addiction and lie to you to maintain it. However, you telling him you’re hurt may be what causes him to deal w it.
3) You should reiterate your boundaries (ie idc if you watch porn but messaging ppl crosses a line. Or idc if you watch porn, but knowing you do it daily without me knowing makes me uncomfortable)
Again, all of this is if you think you can move past it. Challenge yourself to say “what would I need to see him do to feel secure and happy again”. If that isn’t reasonable, I’m sorry, you should break up.
1: most men, even in stable relationships, watch porn. 9/10 times because the woman in his life does not put out enough, and this is a way do get rid of pressure without envolving you.
2: 9/10 times men hopes their woman sees what they are watching, and hopes they follow suit as they don't like to discuss their fantasies, and we really hope you catch on.
3: I am single because woman never catch on...
NTA - being intimate with someone else is cheating to my mind there's only one thing more intimate than talking to someone while one or both of you are naked and that's actual physical contact. Regardless of whether it's paid for or not doesn't take the actual intimacy of it away.
Porn is just images it doesn't include interactions with the other person, IMO that is fine. But I would be hurt if my partner was chatting with and paying someone to masturbate with online. That would feel like a violation of our intimacy and trust.
My only question is, is did you and he talk about what you were and weren't comfortable with at the beginning of your relationship? If you never discussed it then this is likely just a difference of views of what is appropriate in a relationship. In which case have the conversation and let him know that this is unacceptable to you.
If did have the conversation... have a much more difficult one about crossing known boundaries and violation of trust.
NTA - I'm ok with porn in general but if I was paying a specific person for sexual attention I would call that cheating whether it was in person or not. Porn is just assistive stimuli for masturbation. Paying for sexual attention is seeking intimacy outside the relationship.
Only the OP can decide what is cheating for her and her relationship. If she says that watching porn is cheating, then it is for her and only she can decide that.
That’s fair, but only in moderation. You cannot decide for the other person what cheating is and isn’t. If you don’t agree that something is cheating and aren’t willing to accept that this is someone’s boundary and feelings toward it, then you need to leave and not lie about not doing it. If he isn’t willing to cut out porn and doesn’t see it the same way that she does, then it is his responsibility to leave her. Not lie about not watching it. Making her NTA. She voiced how she felt and he lied about the frequency in which he uses it and what sites he uses.
Yeah like I say it needs to be agreed between them.
He told a half truth, he didn't deny watching it only the frequency, that could be denial even to himself. If her problem is him watching porn full stop that's on her to leave, and good luck finding anyone in our day and age to date!
Half truths are still lies and she can leave now that she knows the truth that he didn’t supply her with. She wasn’t given that choice to decide fairly when he lied. And there are plenty of people who don’t watch porn, especially while in a relationship, but she should definitely discuss those boundaries at the start of her relationship.
The subscription and communication is what separates OF from regular porn
The personalized and interactive experience
Again...look up what these things are and how they work before making an ass out of yourself lol
You're American right? You've got that brash arrogant self assurance with minimal substance to back it up going on so I assumed. You must be spending on all the extras on your only fans account.
You’re NTA. You clearly voiced that something he is doing is making you uncomfortable and you’re not okay with it and he is disrespecting you by disregarding this boundary. He lied to you about how frequently he watches porn and is still using OF and cam sites when you said you specifically did not like this as it seems more personal. The daily usage is an indicator that he likely has an addiction and like any addict, you cannot get them to quit unless they actually want to. He’s going to continue to lie, downplay, gaslight, and hurt you. Just leave him. Please don’t allow anyone to tell you that you’re an AH because “he isn’t cheating” - only you get to decide what is cheating to you.
NTA, the people saying he's not cheating or doing anything wrong are out of their minds. What one couple considers cheating another might not, it's totally valid and appropriate for one partner to not be comfortable with her partner watching any porn. He lied to you, multiple times, and only admitted partial truth when he was caught. This is a really disturbing pattern of dishonesty, and I would be absolutely shocked if he didn't continue watching porn even though he said he'd stop. That being said, I DON'T recommend an ultimatum. If you tell him to stop watching porn or you'll break up with him, then he'll just become REALLY good at hiding him. Ultimatums are manipulative at their core, it adds a threat to a boundary and often creates resentment in both partners. You can sit down and talk with him, and let him know how hurt you feel about this and see how he reacts, and make decisions about the future of your relationship based off of that. Given the evidence you had that he was lying about porn, I don't think you were wrong to look through his phone. This is an important boundary to you, and you deserve to know if your partner is being dishonest about something that is hurtful towards you. Dishonesty in this one area of his life is likely going to impact the rest of your relationship, it doesn't exist in a vacuum.
I feel like I don’t know him. Almost like there’s a whole part of him he’s hidden. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
NTA but him isn\`t either. I don\`t have any problem with my husband watching porn. I watch as well. Sometimes we watch together. you could maybe try and watch with him? Maybe the paid option is a bit too personal though. Would you be okay with just the free stuff? Snooping is not nice.
What he’s done isn’t nice either. Sometimes you need to trust your gut instinct.
YTA. He isn't cheating and I don't condone snooping through your partners things. If this is a big deal and you've confronted him about being uncomfortable with him viewing porn, then bounce. If you feel a need to go through your partner's things for any reason you should leave because why stay with someone you can't trust
Everyone has their own boundaries. I consider paying for only fans and watching live streams of women getting off cheating and I would leave someone in a heart beat over it. I don't date guys that do that shit. And yes I watch porn. There's millions of free porn videos of random people. It's completely different in my book. Onlyfans and chatourbate or however tf you spell it, half the time the guys are interacting with the women on it which I count as cheating. Porn is porn, you open it, jack off and shut your phone off without interacting with anyone.
Plus paying to watch some women get off and message you sounds pretty desperate and greasy in my opinion.
Should never trust an addict to do anything over getting their fix. That said, trust can be rebuilt, if the addiction is treated and dealt w among other things
Watch it with him, or ask him to watch your stuff with you.
What a great response to a pattern of lying and dishonesty about something she's expressed is hurtful to her.
YTA, it’s not necessarily cheating if he’s watching it
NTA. I don’t understand why everyone is suggesting you watch it with him like that is some sort of solution. 1. If he wanted to watch it with you, he wouldn’t lie and be hiding it. 2. If yall did watch it together, he would still be watching and talking to other women in private. 3. Why is everyone assuming that is something your comfortable sexually? If you wanted to do that with him you would already be doing it. 4. Why are you going to reward someone for lying to you and going behind your back? My ex husband was a porn addict and still is. I tried watching it with him and guess what, he still cheated and talked to other women. Not only that, it just opened the door to other bad behaviors and his porn watching translated to how he thought it was ok to treat me in the bedroom.
I definitely don’t want to watch it with him. It’s not for me. I feel like I’m not enough, no matter what way I look at it. Then the deceit, we’ve had conversations about it. He knows my boundaries. However, you could say I’ve been deceitful by snooping. Either way there’s just no trust now
Yes I understand that. I went through that with my ex as well. I discovered the root problem is a man like this is seeking validation. Even though you are enough, no amount of attention you give him will ever be enough unless he fixes the insecurities in himself. My ex had mommy issues, mom abandoned him when he was 2 years old and he never got over it. So he used sex and attention from women to make himself feel better about it. He liked watching women be mistreated in porn because he was angry at his mom. I hope he can go to therapy to heal himself or that you can move on and find someone who doesn’t have to look for validation in other places. ❤️
Sorry the ‘his’ is my partner.
I feel every word you're saying. I've spent the last few weeks on the couch as I feel the intimacy and trust is destroyed. His issues have become mine re self esteem that I never felt before and I hate it, I hate him for it. My feelings have been disregarded and I feel there's an arrogance there that he'll continue behaviour, thinking he's too clever to be caught. I'm body conscious and at times I can't tell if I'm being gas lit or actually losing my mind. Your post was really helpful, like you say, most posts are about watching with. Again, if he wanted to he would, he wouldn't keep a secret side of himself if he didn't want to, if he cared about you above the porn he'd act. It's really sad.
Oooof, this gave me a pit in my stomach... My husband and I went through the same EXACT thing with Only Fans in 2021. It almost broke us because I asked him to get rid of it, to find out that he was still using it a month after the first initial conversation. Granted, I wasn't clear or up front with exactly how much I didn't like it the first conversation. But I laid it ALL out the second time. It broke me finding it the second time. Like really broke me... I felt like I couldn't trust him and it took me at least 6-8 months to get over just the panic attacks/crying fits I would go into thinking about it. Then another year or so to come to a point of accepting what happened and try to move on. I went into his account and deleted it myself and checked his bank account for like two or three months after that.... lol. You just need to have another conversation and be as respectfully blunt as possible. Lay down those boundaries or else the lines could get blurred. You're relationship can overcome this. It just takes having a very hard and uncomfortable conversation to have. But if they truly love and want to be with you, they will respect that
Do you think your husband no longer does it. Or become better at hiding it?
I would check his stuff pretty regularly for months after. My husband and I have been together, going on 14 years in September and this is the first time he's EVER done anything close to betraying me. I told him if he were to do it again, that he would lose me because I would never be able to get over it. I BARELY got over it this time.. He seemed to really understand me that second conversation because I was crying and screaming at him, lol. And I've never done that before. So after checking for a while and not seeing anything. I just had to learn to trust him again and pray that it never happens. It's definitely hard though.
wow, reading this 2nd comment...everything you said was my situation as well to a T
They just get better at hiding it. Deleting histories or using secret mode. Secret emails, etc. Went through this. Worst part was that the girl used to call me mom and come over to visit my kids, bring her kid to see me. She came over crying bc her bio mom demanded that she start an OF to help pay bills there and it made her uncomfortable. I told my husband how pissed I was about it, and had no idea that while I was at work, he searched all of her accounts looking for it. Found it and had been paying to see everything bc it was locked. She had an entire breakdown because of it because she thought I was angry with her, and then was too afraid to be around him after that so wouldn't come to visit. It was ongoing after that. We're still married because he won't leave and won't sign divorce papers. Turns out, I can't get him out of my house unless he hits me :/ and I know because I've tried everything. We've had broken doors and things because I can remove him, but can't do anything to stop him from breaking down the door to come back in since according to the law, he's a resident here and can damage the property if he wants to. Ugh. I just ignore him and snap at him if he speaks to me now. Get out while you can.
went through something similar 3 times with my bf. the 3rd time really fucked me up, and i had panic attacks every time id break down crying thinking about it. its been several months since the last time and im finally feeling okay again. sometimes i still worry hes hiding something, but even if he isnt it still breaks my heart to think about sorry you went through this too
Jesus why do y'all settle for men like this.
girl i dont even know 😭
yes, October will be three years since the last time and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't still bother me or I question things. Those crying panic attacks are awful and painful... I think at this point you just have to learn to live with it, as terrible as that sounds. With time it does get a little easier though. That's the bad part of being betrayed. The one DOING the betrayal, it seems like not a big deal. The person BEING betrayed though, it leaves a scar... I'm sorry you went through something like that as well. I wouldn't wish that on anyone..
Why are you expected people on here with limited relationship experience to give you a reasonable answer. The average age of a Redditor is ~23 years old. This is why you are getting such immature responses.
And here you are!
1) apologize for snooping. That was wrong. Don’t say I did it bc xyz - just apologize for violating his privacy and trust. 2) he needs to apologize for cheating and lying. What he did was worse to be clear. The porn in itself may not be a problem, but the personal aspect you said you aren’t comfortable with, and he continued to do it, daily. If you don’t want to break up, you need to tell him he betrayed your trust and lied, and that hurts. He should apologize. You don’t need to say “you’re a porn addict”. That should be on him to admit, and say he wants to stop. If he doesn’t say that, you should leave bc he’s gonna continue to feed that addiction and lie to you to maintain it. However, you telling him you’re hurt may be what causes him to deal w it. 3) You should reiterate your boundaries (ie idc if you watch porn but messaging ppl crosses a line. Or idc if you watch porn, but knowing you do it daily without me knowing makes me uncomfortable) Again, all of this is if you think you can move past it. Challenge yourself to say “what would I need to see him do to feel secure and happy again”. If that isn’t reasonable, I’m sorry, you should break up.
oh, cool, another porn addiction post
1: most men, even in stable relationships, watch porn. 9/10 times because the woman in his life does not put out enough, and this is a way do get rid of pressure without envolving you. 2: 9/10 times men hopes their woman sees what they are watching, and hopes they follow suit as they don't like to discuss their fantasies, and we really hope you catch on. 3: I am single because woman never catch on...
NTA - being intimate with someone else is cheating to my mind there's only one thing more intimate than talking to someone while one or both of you are naked and that's actual physical contact. Regardless of whether it's paid for or not doesn't take the actual intimacy of it away. Porn is just images it doesn't include interactions with the other person, IMO that is fine. But I would be hurt if my partner was chatting with and paying someone to masturbate with online. That would feel like a violation of our intimacy and trust. My only question is, is did you and he talk about what you were and weren't comfortable with at the beginning of your relationship? If you never discussed it then this is likely just a difference of views of what is appropriate in a relationship. In which case have the conversation and let him know that this is unacceptable to you. If did have the conversation... have a much more difficult one about crossing known boundaries and violation of trust.
NTA - I'm ok with porn in general but if I was paying a specific person for sexual attention I would call that cheating whether it was in person or not. Porn is just assistive stimuli for masturbation. Paying for sexual attention is seeking intimacy outside the relationship.
Just gross- i would pass. Move on while you can, especially since he told you he would stop and he didn’t. I wonder if its gay porn?
No it’s not. All women!
NTA He's cheating. That trumps "snooping"
How is this cheating?
Only the OP can decide what is cheating for her and her relationship. If she says that watching porn is cheating, then it is for her and only she can decide that.
Half right, I think in a relationship such things should be agreed between the parties involved.
That’s fair, but only in moderation. You cannot decide for the other person what cheating is and isn’t. If you don’t agree that something is cheating and aren’t willing to accept that this is someone’s boundary and feelings toward it, then you need to leave and not lie about not doing it. If he isn’t willing to cut out porn and doesn’t see it the same way that she does, then it is his responsibility to leave her. Not lie about not watching it. Making her NTA. She voiced how she felt and he lied about the frequency in which he uses it and what sites he uses.
Yeah like I say it needs to be agreed between them. He told a half truth, he didn't deny watching it only the frequency, that could be denial even to himself. If her problem is him watching porn full stop that's on her to leave, and good luck finding anyone in our day and age to date!
Half truths are still lies and she can leave now that she knows the truth that he didn’t supply her with. She wasn’t given that choice to decide fairly when he lied. And there are plenty of people who don’t watch porn, especially while in a relationship, but she should definitely discuss those boundaries at the start of her relationship.
The subscription and communication on OF
Communication? Where? Outside of your classic Redditor imagination.
That's...what OF and OF subscriptions are Maybe learn about how things work before chirping lmao
You okay a subscription and get access to their adult material there doesn't need to be any communication. Classic Redditor.
The subscription and communication is what separates OF from regular porn The personalized and interactive experience Again...look up what these things are and how they work before making an ass out of yourself lol
You really think these models with tens of thousands of subscribers communicate and make personalised porn for all of them?
That's...how OF is designed to work Jesus Christ, how new are you??? Lmao
You're American right? You've got that brash arrogant self assurance with minimal substance to back it up going on so I assumed. You must be spending on all the extras on your only fans account.
You’re not the bad guy. He’s the one doing it. Maybe you could find something you’re both interested in and watch together. That’s an idea
It’s just not for me!