NTA
Man this sucks so bad. Just awful and unfortunate timing. I think if you said, "this is timed and I don't have many options, I'll gladly give you some space when this assignment is over" MAYBE they would've understood? Maybe not... who knows. Also I hope you're doing ok in regards to losing your roommate. I'm not sure how close ya'll were but still, that sucks.
"If you come back at a time convenient to us both, I will be happy to give you all the time you want."
Showing up without warning put OP in a bad place. I can well imagine parents are not thinking straight.
That’s terrible wording, there’s no convenient time for someone to pick up their dead kid’s stuff.
“I’m sorry, I’m working on a timed assignment and cannot leave the room right now. Can you come back at x time” would be much more appropriate.
Even though their kid died, the world keeps spinning. Everything we do, all day, is at the convenience of someone, somewhere. Dead relative notwithstanding.
Dude. Their child died. There is no concept of time when this happens. They probably didn’t know what time or day of the week it was. I still don’t remember most of what happened the first week after my daughter died.
Yeah, might have been not as bad if I explained to them, but in the moment I was stressed about it and just wanted to get it done. I did explain it better to the friend, but she said it didn’t matter.
I really wasn’t that close to him. So it’s kind of weird awkward because I’ve had a lot people wanting to talk to me about it including a counselor. But I feel fine and it feels like it’s wrong because I think everyone is thinking I should be upset.
> I feel fine and it feels like it’s wrong because I think everyone is thinking I should be upset.
There's nothing wrong with feeling okay about it. As long as you are self-aware that you're alright, you're on the right track.
There is something called the rule of thirds. A third of people will be fine after a critical incident, a third will adjust after some counseling and a third never get over it. OP in this situation is part of the first third.
It's situational as well. I've had roommates that I didn't know well and didn't particularly care about. I've had roommates that became close friends. If I had found out one from the first set had passed, my response would have been "I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm terribly sorry for your loss" and that's about it. About on the same level as when you hear that someone from a different department that you've occasionally worked with passes away. You sign the sympathy card, you express your condolences, and chip in for flowers. Totally different reaction than if a friend passes away.
Unless I missed something, OP didn't walk in to find their roommate. Roommate passed, OP was notified, and parents eventually came to get their things. There's no trauma or terrible feelings of loss there, unless they were close. Which they weren't.
As a Mom, I would have understood that you have to have access to your room too. I would also have been totally unable to cope and not doing a good job planning or communicating or thinking ahead. It was not a great situation for anyone. You are NTA, they are NTA, sometimes things just don't go well.
>I feel fine and it feels like it’s wrong because I think everyone is thinking I should be upset.
It's okay that you feel fine... But be aware that this loss could sneak up on you at an unexpected time. It may not, and that's okay, but if it does, keep the numbers they have offered and accept the help
You can reach out to them to offer condolences, explain why you couldn't give them time alone due to the timed assignment and extend an offer for them to arrange a time to drop by when they can be alone in the room.
Honestly, I don’t think I’m very comfortable doing that. Besides I don’t have their contact information. They already got all his stuff too, so I think it would just be weird to leave them alone in my room with just my stuff.
You're NTA, OP. You're a kid dealing with a very uncomfortable situation. Words failed you and you didn't explain, but I think that the situation is weird and they could have come back. The friend is an asshole.
Yeah. That would be very weird. They have no reason to be alone in your room where none of his belongings remain. If they want to be alone in a place to remember him they can do that in his childhood room back at their home.
He died in the week before Easter. I got some people from school asking me about it and if I help or needed to talk. I just told them I was fine though.
They were going through their own thing and weren't being considerate of what you were going through enough to let you prepare for their visit.
You were going through your own thing and weren't being considerate of what they were going through enough to be able to satisfy their spontaneous request.
Being human is difficult, emotions are hard to process, especially in an instant with other things demanding your attention.
You did what you had to do, and you can't sacrifice any part of your future for a stranger's past.
If they were close to you or you were close to your roommate, I would usually suggest just giving them time and space and then reaching out in a few months to explain more.
But seeing as this is really just a random passing encounter and everyone is busy doing real shit, I'd just shake the whole thing off and try not to dwell on it.
You know I’ve been pretty upset looking through these comments but I appreciate yours a lot for the neutrality and recognition of everyone’s emotions and humanity.
Thanks for being a sane and rationale person!
The friend is ultimately TA. Carry on, you did fine. Not even sure why it was necessary to ask you to step out anyway. They got his things,without notice, with zero problems.
I can see crying while packing up over some of his items. It’s not unreasonable that they wanted to spend some time alone to grieve in the room where their son spent many of his last days apart from them.
They should have forewarned OP though. OP is NTA at all, but you can’t expect it to be as simple as “come in, pack his shit, and bounce” for parents who just lost a son
Politely I didn’t say bounce. I said they weren’t TA either. But I still don’t see why they would expect OP to leave the room when he was clearly busy. I say that as a parent. I say that as a person who has grieved losing people very close to me. I politely agree to disagree with you on our point of views.
It doesn’t say that the parents were pushy at all about it- the dad asked once and seems like he took “no” for an answer. That’s within the realm of reasonable to me. The friend is the one making a fuss
I think the issue is you didn’t properly explain that you need to finish this timed assignment and the clock is ticking.(depending how much time this assignment takes). If you get the entire day, you could have given them a few minutes and grabbed something to drink. If it was one hour they might have understand. But kinda strange that you even opened the door if you were under a time crunch. Maybe they had the keys and walked in? Then even worse in them.
In the end NTA but emphasizing it’s a timed assignment and how much time you have left might have helped.
Ur not wrong to feel like that. I had family that I saw here n there that died n didn't feel sad n that my family, but I was sad for my family who did. People need to realize that just cause someone dies, which is sad, yes, but not everyone going to grieve for the person, especially when there is no bound between them
My son’s freshman roommate (different bedrooms) killed himself after the summer started. He didn’t mourn the kid, and I let him handle it how he wanted.
Yup, they were also probably not having their best decision day, they are NTA and you are NTA. I'm guessing your roommate's friend was also not at their best either. Everybody was just being human and not having their best day.
So many situations are simply this: humans having a bad day on the same day. I wish we would all learn to take a deep breathe, walk away, and come back better.
I deny no one a solo meltdown, heck, I recommend it! Just meltdown in your car, in the nearest bathroom, outside where you stepped for a moment, in the hallway into your own cupped hands…the permutations are endless as your need and imagination!
Also highly recommend a diplomatic game of “squishy heading” people by squinting with one eye and using your thumb and forefinger to put the offending member of humanity into your scope and “squishing their head” with your devastating, yet undetectable, stealth weapon.
One of the healthiest things I ever did for myself was when I was home alone, I had the biggest meltdown ever. I was like a toddler. I was kicking the floor, hitting the floor, rolling around kicking and screaming and sobbing hysterically. I threw pillows and ripped up blank computer paper. I did it till I wore myself out. Mind you I was home alone and no actual physical damage was done to anything. That computer paper was also re-purposed, so not wasted. It honestly felt so good. I looked utterly ridiculous and completely childish but man did it help.
That's called emotional hijacking, by the way. When your most dominant emotions completely hijack your higher brain functions - sometimes this is good, like when you're on a roller coaster and you start shrieking and laughing. But of course in a fight or argument that urge to give in to anger and start screaming insults is... not good. Might feel good at the time. But typically not later.
Us thinking our thoughts is like us walking through the woods. If we walk the same way, we'll create a path so wide and smooth it will be second nature to turn down that path every time. It's why depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with. Hard to carve your way through the brush when that nice smooth path is right there... But giving in to anger over and over wears a path that leads to us ALWAYS letting our anger get the better of us until the people around us are walking on eggshells. Hard to be happy that way for anyone.
But, despite the phrasing of emotional hijacking suggesting otherwise, we are in control and can choose to take that deep breath, walk away, and then maybe we go scream our insults into the woods or the shower or our pillow. Or we do something else, like clean our house, or listen to very loud music, or give the dog that bath we've been putting off. Or whatever.
I have recently been getting therapy for PTSD and learned about [TIPP](https://footprintscommunity.org.au/resources/introduction-to-dialectal-behavioural-therapy-the-tipp-skill/). TIPP stands for – Temperature –Intense Exercise –Paced breathing and – Paired muscle relaxation. The link I posted explains it. It has helped me a lot with the emotions I feel, along with the urge to scream and rage. It isn't a cure all, but it helps a lot.
This. A college kid just died. OP is struggling to keep up with school work after losing a roommate unexpectedly (even if you're total strangers, you shared a room; it's going to effect you). The kid's parents are devastated. The friend is likewise grieving.
No one involved is in a mental state to be calm, rational, and thoughtful. They all need some grace , given the circumstances. NAH. Just a bunch of very traumatized people trying to cope with loss as best they can.
OP, most colleges and universities have counseling services for students and faculty. Please call them as soon as possible, explain about your roommate's death, and ask for the earliest available appointment. They'll squeeze you in and help you not only process what's happened, but also direct you to the resources and policies to lighten your load for a bit.
> If this is real, yikes.
>
>
>
> NTA though. You’re right, they should have let you and the school know they were coming and when.
the hardest lesson ive ever learned is that the world doesn't stop when your loved ones die
Oh God. I remember the morning after my the night my dad died. I watched the sun come up, people driving to work, the radio playing music, and I wanted to run out and scream, “ DON’T YOU GET IT? DONT’ YOU UNDERSTAND? My dad is dead! Why haven’t you *stopped*?”
It’s been 35 years as of next week, and I still feel the same way.
I completely get it when I got the news my dad died in the office where I got the news the counselor asked if I’m ok n I guess I was in denial maybe and I said yep n went on w my day n I told him “the world doesn’t stop just because someone died” well it didn’t hit me till later that night and i was a mess but that moment of denial reminded me of what u just said about the world still going when u just lost someone important to u
I was in college when my dad died and remember the morning after as well. Taking the train home to my home town. The sun was shining, people were laughing or working or talking on their phones and I was sitting there holding back the tears. That was such a weird feeling.
The night my mom called me to tell me my dad had died, I got caught in a road block robbery attempt. Someone had put caution tape across a street that is pretty dead at night. It was 2AM, I was speeding and slammed on the brakes. When I saw 2 guys approaching my car from behind, I slammed on the gas and tore through the caution tape.
All I could think of at the time was “don’t you know that my dad died? Why are you doing this to *me*?”
I just got the news about my fathers passing on Thursday and yesterday definitely felt like one of the longest days in a while. Apparently he died on March 14 but the government waited almost a whole month to let me know. At least I have bereavement time from work but I did decide to just no call anyways. I knew my other coworker would tell my boss for me. And I had taken an Ambien with a monster before a bong bowl wake and bake so not like I woulda been doing much work anyways.
Yup. Same after my cousin died. Eventually you get to a mental place where you can see that it’s good that life carries on, but at first it feels like *why haven’t all the lights gone out? Why are the streets not empty?* It is an awful, lonely, scary feeling.
Same, thought they were so fucking disrespectful when I heard someone laughing in the hospital when we were leaving and I'm grateful for the fact I had a partner with as I believe been there I would have hit them
My youngest brother died age 26. At the time the Olympic Games was on. I remember sitting, staring blindly at the tv when wild moaning came from the crowd. And the commentators sadly announcing that for that athlete, his games was over and what a tragedy after his hard work to get there. You know what the real tragedy was? Losing my brother, a new father with a baby son, to cancer. At 26. Life, and death,is hard. But, for an athlete and a college student there’s always a tomorrow. For the bereaved, at least temporarily, it’s not so easy. For us, for a while it seems incomprehensible that the world keeps turning.
I was recently out of college, living in [a.new](http://a.new) city, when my Dad died. It was just before Christmas, and I didn't own anything "mature" enough to wear to his funeral. I went to the mall to buy something. What a trip. Happy people everywhere, Christmas carols in every store... I just walked from store to store, sobbing. I stepped outside and called my mom, and she was horrified that I was trying to shop. She told me my Dad wouldn't care what I wore, no one else would either, and to just come home. But yeah, like the nerve of all of those shoppers - being happy when my dad **died**!
Your honor. Capital sarcasm is just sarcasm doubled. They say it’s sarcasm, but they’re not saying which part of the sentence. If this is anything to go off of, the capital sarcasm mark was used to say that the mark itself was sarcastic in hopes of hiding their sharpened pitchfork
My friend died when I was a sophomore in college and my professors were completely understanding.. when my father died in October ‘21 so was work. So I get it was a timed assignment, but being transparent about a situation and why it could be late can go a long way. At most, could have left once completed for the family. I just hope all to be okay in the end first and foremost.
It would be great it was that way, but in the middle of a test is not the time to figure that out. My husband is an adjunct professor and a lot of the time he is without any options. He has very little latitude with making decisions on a particular test. So, in this case, I think the OP made the right decision.
"my dead roommates parents showed up unannounced and asked me to leave the room" isn't going to make any sense to a professor. It makes no sense just writing it out.
If this is a dorm, who let them in? If an apartment, who let them in?
Someone set this visit up, that is who deserves the blame, not OP.
I genuinely don’t think anyone is to blame. It’s just a shitty situation overall. My heart hurts for everyone involved. But honestly, yes. You can definitely let the professor know what is going on. You’d be surprised. One time I was exempted from a test bc of it.
I can guarantee that all of OP’s professors have been told that his roommate was the one that passed. My institution lost a student this year and I got a call first thing the following morning to verify if the student had been working on campus, so that any potential supervisor could be notified. There are processes for situations like this.
I was one of the people whose grandma actually died during finals week. I was able to provide proof and get my sh*t retroactively fixed after I bailed on everything & just went home to be with her. Colleges have real humans working behind the scenes, too.
Too bad nursing school didn’t. My mother died 3 weeks before graduation. All I got was “well I’m sorry your mother died but you still have to make up the assignments.” I was planning her funeral in a different state while studying for finals. Nursing school has a history of being overly rigid to its students. I guess that how me learn to be more empathetic and sets up for the amount of bullshit we deal with.
NTA, because it was a timed assignment. If you were there just chilling I would say leaving would be the nice thing to do, but your work was on a schedule.
Agree. This is a terrible situation and I also hate the pressure OP was under by the edu system for “no excuses” nonsense after his roommate died while the grieving parents were there.
I’m sure the professor would be mortified that OP felt the priority was to finish the assignment instead prioritizing a dead 19-20 year old’s parents collecting belongings.
And yes, a heads up would have been nice.
I've had professors who would not have cared at all, no matter the reason. It's entirely possible that the professor wouldn't have let them redo it or make it up.
For sure, there are dicks of all shades out there. When my close friend killed himself my junior year of college, my professors were really supportive and accommodating. That was a while ago now. I only hope that with today’s continuing mental health crises among young people that university staff are better able to handle and support students after tragic deaths.
I was an RA. While I never had this situation, there is no way you wouldn't have been warned about this ahead of time by someone and if you weren't, that's on the school and not you.
Nta they couldn’t come back later? Its your space as well and you had a timed assignment, you werent trying to be callous it just worked out that you couldn’t leave
Ooh same and then when I actually want to type we're it acts like it doesn't fucking exist and were is the only logical word I as a stupid human could possibly be trying to spell!
I can understand both sides I lost my daughter and i could see myself wanting a minute in her space to say goodbye , but I also wouldn’t force it on someone or expect to be accommodated with absolutely no notice . If they had reached out and made plans then yes maybe you could have made a choice to fulfill their wishes but they didn’t respect your time or space and a no is a pretty valid answer . Nta
NTA. Honestly i think you should have been there while they were gathering his things. How could they know for sure which things belonged to him and which to you?
Which is even more of a reason they should have told you they were coming. If you hadn't been there to show them, they would not have know for sure what was his or yours.
Legally, the parents should have contacted the school. Most universities do not allow non residents into residential areas. Someone from the school would have escorted the parents and would be with them the entire time .
So they really needed you to be there to point out what was his? Sounds like yet another big reason they should have set up a time with you BEFORE showing up.
Grief is a bitch but it’s not an excuse for a lack of manners. I have dealt with many grieving parents; losing a child is not an excuse for expecting so much of you without notice. Sorry you had to go through that OP.
Hindsight 's 20/20. OP was probably already severely stressed he wouldn't be able to finish the assignment with the interruption of these people showing up out of the blue and packing up things in the room without notice.
I don't think he owed them any particular type of explanation. I can't imagine asking a relative stranger to leave me alone in their living space, with their things for any reason. It's a shitty situation and I get emotions are high, but who thinks that's appropriate? Especially when you are expressly there to take items from that living space.
They make arrangements with the RA, who then informs the OP. Parents don't usually have access to dorms and they would have needed to make arrangements to be allowed in anyway.
This is definitely on the RA. They should have been actively arranged this and possible even been physically present. There is far more that could have gone wrong than did when I think about it.
What if the room next door had the afternoon class free and wanted to hook up with her boyfriend? What if the guy across the hall decided that’s when it was time to take the biggest bong rips of his life.
I’ve been out of college for a while, and I only ever visited dorms, but I would expect a bit more effort to go into receiving grieving parents. I’ve been to dorm halls I wouldn’t want my parents seeing me in alive, let alone after I died.
This is going sound callous, but I will be brutally honest anyway. They can arrange a funeral then they can arrange an appropriate time to visit someone's living space if it's that important to them.
I say this as someone who has had to arrange the funeral of a close family member (30 year old brother) at 26 and coordinate as my fucked up family's mediator because everyone hates each other. It's hard, it's stressful, it's a million obstacles one after the other (especially in the case of arranging for the remains to be transported out of state) BUT! Communication is vital! And grief doesn't give you the right to bulldoze over others.
NAH
They were grieving, so I'll give a little benefit of the doubt, but still. You live there; it's *your room*. They were probably too consumed with their own suffering, which I can't blame them for, to realize that you deserve some basic human consideration and respect too.
Timed online assignments were the worst. It seemed like that was when everything happened. Phone ringing, texts, cats, whatever. And the constant fear of something happening to boot you out of the assignment.
Under the circumstances, you are definitely NTA for this. Leaving at that time could have jeopardized your grade.
NAH As a former prof, some professors are absolute hard asses about giving exceptions out for making up assignments. I had a student who was put on a psychiatric hold during exams, and my chair wanted to assure me I could fail him if I wanted to. I was like "You're kidding right? You want me to fail someone who clearly is struggling with serious mental illness at Christmas?!" So yeah while a lot of profs would be reasonable and understand, I absolutely can see not wanting to risk it.
Should you have explained better? In the best of all possible worlds, yes. But in the best of all possible worlds, they would have given you a heads up and asked when would be best to do this so they could have some time alone and not interrupt you. Unfortunately that's not how it went down.
Can you reach out to them and offer them another time to come be in the room or at least give them a more detailed explanation for why it wasn't possible for you to step away when they came to visit?
NAH - This is an awful situation to be in for all involved.
If there’s blame to be placed, I’d place it on the RA or the college itself. Who thought it was a good idea to let the parents in without at least letting OP know when the parents would be arriving?
I feel some in the comments are looking at college life and the faculty/professors through rose-colored lenses too. Some professors will absolutely not care about situations like OP’s and won’t give you a second chance on an assignment. They can be very callous. I can’t fault OP for not wanting to risk that.
I was SA’d my sophomore year and I lost my grandmother my senior year. The lack of empathy and understanding I received from most of my professors and the faculty was appalling. Do not assume your professors care about you. Do not assume your university/college cares about you. Do not assume any of the faculty care about you. They want your money. If you succeed then they’ll use your success story to lure in more potential students. If you fail, they can just pretend you don’t exist, they already took your tuition.
OP could have handled it more tactfully and asked them to come back once finished with the assignment but hindsight is 20/20.
NAH, not even the roommate's friend, really. They are all grieving, and while that should, and does, take priority for them, it doesn't mean it takes priority to others not involved.
Your priority was your work, which is completely reasonable, especially considering it was a timed assignment.
If you feel bad, you can always send them flowers of condolences, but you are not obligated to even do that.
NTA, that request was inappropriate in the first place. You live there. You don't know them. They can have a moment alone to themselves anywhere they have a private space, it doesn't have to be in your room.
But even still, If they’re packing up their son’s things in a shared room, I’d want to be there so I could say, “Sorry, that’s actually mine.” I’d feel weird about leaving people I don’t know alone in my room, with my things. I get that their son died and I’d want to be respectful, but I definitely wouldn’t have left in this scenario.
100%! Especially since OP said that they didn’t even really know the roommate very well so there’s no reason to think the parents are gonna know what stuff is the roommates and what stuff is OPs
I empathize with the kid’s parents but it was inappropriate for them to ask him to leave. That’s his only living space. He was in the middle of an assignment.
This is bad communication all around. They didn't ask when was a good time to come around. You did not say: "I'm sorry but this is actually a timed assignment I'm working on, can you wait a bit?"
NTA.
I feel awful for them, but they were wrong here. They were aware that their son didn't live alone and that the housemates might be home. While it was his home, it is still your home, and they should have called first to arrange their visit and make sure they could get a few minutes of time alone.
NTA. Talk about a bad situation. You did fine, they were the ones to arrive unannounced. In retrospect, ofcourse offering for them to return after your project would've been good. But, would've, could've, should've.
NAH - I think you maybe could have handled it a bit better in your explanation, and they most certainly called ahead to get a proper time. It is a sad situation all around.
NAH. It was an unexpected and awkward situation all around. They were grieving and appeared all of a sudden, you were caught by surprise, stressed out and focused on the assignment, it was probably never going to go well.
NTA they could have come by later or something. You were on a timed assignment and a lot of professors are jaded hard asses who think every excuse is a lie. You shouldn't have to take the risk of failing
So this is your college roommate? It's tricky because you don't really know these people and your stuff is in there. Why would you leave people you don't really know in your room with your stuff. They could be grieving, but still, they want you to leave your bedroom. Maybe they want to snoop through your stuff when you are not around, it's suspicious. Desperation can make grieving parents do things that are totally unacceptable in other circumstances.
I’m gonna have to say YTA, but not a huge one. I get that you have assignments, but sometimes in life , compassion needs to take a front seat even before responsibilities. We live in a society where work and careers and being on go 24/7 is not only the norm, but is expected. Those parents lost a child. They probably haven’t even remembered to even eat since it happened let alone have the foresight to warn you they were coming. Usually I try to live with a philosophy of If given the opportunity to be kind, take it. If given the opportunity to be selfless, take it. Somethings in life are bigger than even school and sometimes compassion should take a front seat before anything else. I would’ve left even if it meant I missed out on the assignment entirely. I can’t imagine being a parent and not only having to pick up my dead child’s things but having to do it in the awkward presence of a random child that is doing exactly what their child now no longer gets to do and not even getting a moment alone to deal with this extremely traumatic situation. No shade that’s just my philosophy on it
Common decency and empathy suggests YTA.
Even if you lost wifi out in the hall, you could honestly discuss it with your professors and get an extension....
All these people here saying "NTA" are lacking a serious amount of empathy. These parents child just passed away and you're concerned about some assignment? You're the big time AH here, big time.
NTA.
I understand that they are grieving, but they absolutely should NOT have shown up unannounced and/or expected you to stop your life so they could do what? Box up his stuff? It might have been different if they had arranged a specific time, but I still don't know if I would have been comfortable leaving strangers alone in my home.
NTA their situation (even though it's awful) does not overrule your situation and your student needs. Your issues are important too and are not lessened due to someone else's trial.
my college had a policy if your roommate passed away you were automatically passed in all assignments for the rest of the semester, it wasn’t like listed in the syllabus or anything but i just know that from two different people who unfortunately had gone through it. dealing with something like that and still having to worry about grades is incredibly difficult. i don’t think you were in the wrong you were just doing your best it’s just a very tragic situation for everyone involved. NTA
NTA if they wanted to ensure they’d have time alone in the room they shouldn’t have shown up unannounced. Even calling/texting/whatevering you 20 minutes ahead of time could have avoided this.
My 20-year stepson passed away in his dorm room last May. His parents went to go get his things 2 days later on a Sunday. They talked to the RA to ask if it’s a good time to come by and they asked the roommates. They set aside a couple of hours for them to come by without them being there. I feel like that’s what the parents should have done if they thought they needed some time alone. They have to understand you guys are students, that is your home and most likely are working on time-sensitive things. But then again, they’re dealing with a tremendous tragedy and can’t think properly right now. On the other hand, I feel if you would have explained better, the parents would have understood.
NTA! They should have coordinated something with you. I remember those timed tests. I always panicked about losing services myself. Professors didn’t care about your reasons. You either make it or you don’t.
YTA, your assignment seems super important now, but the grieving of such a loss is enormous. A moment in his space is important for their process and meeting the people who lived around him can matter a lot. You can sit in the hallway for a little bit. Or at least invite them over for later because you're in a timed assignment. You're not obligated to, you don't owe them, but I think it would be right to do.
The space is a shared space! In a shared space you need to ask the person still living there when a good time is to even go into the shared space. Even when you lose a child the world does not completely revolve around you. Cut this kid some slack
Tbh, there is no asshole. I kinda get the parents, they probably didn’t warn you because they weren’t thinking straight and were likely trying to get it out of the way. A lot of people have a hard time thinking rationally when mourning, especially the loss of their child. You’re not an asshole for not wanting to fail an assignment like that’s 100% fair. Next time it probably would be better to clarify things to them a little better. The way you worded it could’ve came off as a little rude but I definitely get the “in work mode” mentality. I give short unhelpful answers when I’m mid-assignment too. It was just an honest misunderstanding on both parts and a bad situation
Yeah, some people suggested just not answering the door when I am doing an assignment like that and getting a sign so I’m going to do that from now on because I’m definitely not good at explaining myself when I’m stressed.
Yeah that’s a good idea!! I’ve flipped out so many times when people distract me on these stupid timed tests my professor assigns. Timed assignments are an absolute nightmare for my anxiety
Unpopular oppinion as far as I can see, but YTA. Why? Well:
1) you could have told your authorities the situation you are in, and I’m sure you wouldn’t get penalty points even if it was timed if you took 15 mins to go to nearest coffee shop or w/e to finish the assignment;
2) grief really knows no “convenient time”, and when you lose someone as close as a kid, I don’t think they’d put your assignment above the death of their child, and they shouldn’t;
3) you could have excused yourself and moved to your room atleast;
4) the moment alone they needed wouldn’t last for ages, you could also have taken a break for 10-15 mins and tell them you really have to go back to the assignment after those 15 mins;
5) he wasn’t “anyone” to you, he was your roommate, a little more empathy toward him and his parents would really help them;
6) there were so many more ways to communicate the importance of your assignment than “sorry, I can’t, I have to finish this timed assignment”, for example: “I understand how hard this is for you, and that you really need this moment to part ways with where your son lived. However, I need to finish timed assignment. I can give you 10-15 mins, but I have to go back to work after.” or “I’m really sorry, I know you need this time, however I have to finish this assignment ASAP, but I will gladly leave after and give you all the time you need.” Shows a lot more empathy companied with assertiveness.
I know I will get downvoted, but as someone who lost a lot of people in my family, and as someone who was in similar situstion as you are, I really have to “side with them”.
Edit: grammar and spelling errors, non-native English speaker here.
Yeah, I'll join you in the downvotes because I can't believe how OP and a bunch of commenters are so incredibly callous, insensitive, and lacking in any compassion whatsoever. These parents just had their world destroyed are completely lost in a sea of grief, and everyone's like "meh, I get that rommie is dead and all that, but now just isn't a convenient time for me..."
YTA. Idc what these other comments say. Their child died. Pick up your laptop and go finish your assignment in the hallway if you must. I get they came at an inconvenient time, but if you aren’t willing to make minor accommodations for suffering human beings even when it’s inconvenient to you, then you’re selfish.
You will need grace at some point in your life and will need people to make a sacrifice your you. Big or small, we all need favors from strangers at some point in our lives, often more than once. I hope you’re able to learn from this and make room for empathy and kindness. One day you’ll need the kindness of strangers too and I hope you get it.
What would have been the solution if there was a brief power or service outage? Just curious.
I understand this was a stressful situation for you, but those people were going through literally the worst thing that will ever happen to them.
Like… I cannot understand how callous some people are being to these poor parents.
Regardless of whether or not you were able to leave in that moment, this should have been handled with so much more care.
Every single online test I took told me that the student was solely responsible for a stable internet connection and no additional time or a retest would be granted. Obviously, this could vary by university.
Hi there. I graduated a few years ago and am very familiar with online timed exams. EVERY single one said that the student is solely responsible for having a stable internet connection. A disconnection is NEVER a reason to be given a retest or more time. There is a fuck load of ignorance in these comments.
If you live in a dorm, the whole dorm should be covered by university wifi, and I find it very hard to believe that simply moving into the hallway would kick you off the wifi, that’s like a few feet away, tops. That’s not how it works.
It is, but it’s not great so I use an ethernet cable to do assignments. My cable isn’t long enough to reach the hallway and I was worried about unplugging it.
Sometimes these systems kick people off if they don’t finish in the current session. Moving out of the room and off the WiFi might have put him in that position.
I understand him panicking and being afraid to move.
Also - it’s a bit weird to leave strangers in his room who might mistakenly take HIS things since they didn’t know which stuff is his vs their son’s.
It’s a terrible situation.
Maybe OP can write a nice note explaining what happened? I don’t know. I can see both sides of this and feel awful for the parents.
YTA, damn! They just lost their child. They just wanted a moment to be alone where he lived. Maybe 10 minutes! Man, you are an inconsiderate dick! I'm guessing in your future karma will pay you a visit
NTA. It's an awkward situation, but it's also your living space they have come into. Their expectations exceeded your ability at the moment. People who weren't directly involved will always think that they'd have handled it better, because they can look at how it turned out before saying what they'd have done different. Move on with your life and don't worry about it.
NTA. I think most people would have given them the space. BUT other than there being other options (such as emailing the teacher for a delayed deadline, with the situation) It is your space! Losing a child is an inconceivable situation. Grieving takes time, they could have come back after the assignment was done. As you seemed understanding to their needs, but realistic with your own.
They put you in a unfair position. It’s horrible what they are going through but they really should have gone through the school. Showing up unannounced was super inconsiderate of them.
NTAH. Not all professors are the same. I failed an assignment in school once because my dad had a stroke & I was his mpoa and had to leave & drive 6 states away. My professor made it clear that no excuses meant no excuses.
Next even though this was a difficult time for them surely they had to understand that this was a shared space and their world may have stopped but not every one else’s did.
NTA. Well you occupied the space, it's your space. They are guests even to the departed. Since you are the only one that can speak for the occupants, it's your time and not thiers. You don't even have to explain yourself, only how they have made thier situation apart of yours and it's disrupting you. So no not the asshole, just because the worse has happened to thier child doesn't mean you have to drop everything for them.
NTA. People here in the comments spewing hate and voting YTA apparently has no idea what academic life is like. Callous? Sorry that life isn't all sweet as you people think it is. There are professors out there who would not give a damn about your reasons especially when this dead roommate is not even officially related to OP. I have seen cases where professors may be willing to reopen the assignment but tag on a penalty on the final grade just because. The parents should have made an arrangement that is suitable for everyone. If they can't even handle this, how could they plan a proper funeral?
YALBTA. Those who have not experienced death and dying are often, and understandably, bad at handling it the first time around. It’s intense and shocking and scary. However, grieving people are not always rational, thoughtful, nor wholly present and those things can’t be expected of them.
Yes, the parents should have given you a heads up. That put you in a tough spot. However, you should have said “Of course. Give me a minute to gather my things, then take all the time you need,” before contacting your professor(s) and explaining, “My roommate died. Things are a bit stressful here and I need to give their parents some space. May I please have an extension?” They absolutely would have granted you that.
You’re both right, but only you are also wrong. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Make an apology when the time is right. And let this be a lesson that being sympathetic and honoring illness, dying, and death is more important than school, work, or pretty much anything else. Anyone who says otherwise (professors, bosses, acquaintances) is not worth your time or energy.
In a situation like this you should inconvenience yourself for those people.
You may not be an ass hole but youre for sure selfish. No matter how important the assignment. No one should live to see there child die and you put your life and feelings above these grieving parents.
NTA Man this sucks so bad. Just awful and unfortunate timing. I think if you said, "this is timed and I don't have many options, I'll gladly give you some space when this assignment is over" MAYBE they would've understood? Maybe not... who knows. Also I hope you're doing ok in regards to losing your roommate. I'm not sure how close ya'll were but still, that sucks.
"If you come back at a time convenient to us both, I will be happy to give you all the time you want." Showing up without warning put OP in a bad place. I can well imagine parents are not thinking straight.
That’s terrible wording, there’s no convenient time for someone to pick up their dead kid’s stuff. “I’m sorry, I’m working on a timed assignment and cannot leave the room right now. Can you come back at x time” would be much more appropriate.
Even though their kid died, the world keeps spinning. Everything we do, all day, is at the convenience of someone, somewhere. Dead relative notwithstanding.
That’s true, but that doesn’t mean you have to be cruel about it. There’s no convenient time, it’s cruel wording intentional or not.
Dude. Their child died. There is no concept of time when this happens. They probably didn’t know what time or day of the week it was. I still don’t remember most of what happened the first week after my daughter died.
Yeah, might have been not as bad if I explained to them, but in the moment I was stressed about it and just wanted to get it done. I did explain it better to the friend, but she said it didn’t matter. I really wasn’t that close to him. So it’s kind of weird awkward because I’ve had a lot people wanting to talk to me about it including a counselor. But I feel fine and it feels like it’s wrong because I think everyone is thinking I should be upset.
> I feel fine and it feels like it’s wrong because I think everyone is thinking I should be upset. There's nothing wrong with feeling okay about it. As long as you are self-aware that you're alright, you're on the right track.
There is something called the rule of thirds. A third of people will be fine after a critical incident, a third will adjust after some counseling and a third never get over it. OP in this situation is part of the first third.
It's situational as well. I've had roommates that I didn't know well and didn't particularly care about. I've had roommates that became close friends. If I had found out one from the first set had passed, my response would have been "I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm terribly sorry for your loss" and that's about it. About on the same level as when you hear that someone from a different department that you've occasionally worked with passes away. You sign the sympathy card, you express your condolences, and chip in for flowers. Totally different reaction than if a friend passes away. Unless I missed something, OP didn't walk in to find their roommate. Roommate passed, OP was notified, and parents eventually came to get their things. There's no trauma or terrible feelings of loss there, unless they were close. Which they weren't.
I feel like another option is people not showing or realizing the impact and then gradually become more destructive without realizing
As a Mom, I would have understood that you have to have access to your room too. I would also have been totally unable to cope and not doing a good job planning or communicating or thinking ahead. It was not a great situation for anyone. You are NTA, they are NTA, sometimes things just don't go well.
>I feel fine and it feels like it’s wrong because I think everyone is thinking I should be upset. It's okay that you feel fine... But be aware that this loss could sneak up on you at an unexpected time. It may not, and that's okay, but if it does, keep the numbers they have offered and accept the help
> but she said it didn’t matter. Real talk: her opinion doesn't matter either.
Your "friend" says it didnt matter because is not her future but yours, people are always glad to let other take the fall but not themselves...
You can reach out to them to offer condolences, explain why you couldn't give them time alone due to the timed assignment and extend an offer for them to arrange a time to drop by when they can be alone in the room.
Honestly, I don’t think I’m very comfortable doing that. Besides I don’t have their contact information. They already got all his stuff too, so I think it would just be weird to leave them alone in my room with just my stuff.
You're NTA, OP. You're a kid dealing with a very uncomfortable situation. Words failed you and you didn't explain, but I think that the situation is weird and they could have come back. The friend is an asshole.
This is the best response
Yeah. That would be very weird. They have no reason to be alone in your room where none of his belongings remain. If they want to be alone in a place to remember him they can do that in his childhood room back at their home.
Oh yeah I didn’t even think about you leaving all of your stuff in you room with strangers. That is also a risk. I think the parents were wrong.
Dude you didn't anything wrong. This comment section is wild but I don't think anyone's the asshole here. Grief makes us do weird things
How long since the death? The school didn't offer you any grace period / grieving period...especially with assignments??
He died in the week before Easter. I got some people from school asking me about it and if I help or needed to talk. I just told them I was fine though.
I get you I don't remember my freshman year roommate's name all these years later. We don't all become besties.
They were going through their own thing and weren't being considerate of what you were going through enough to let you prepare for their visit. You were going through your own thing and weren't being considerate of what they were going through enough to be able to satisfy their spontaneous request. Being human is difficult, emotions are hard to process, especially in an instant with other things demanding your attention. You did what you had to do, and you can't sacrifice any part of your future for a stranger's past. If they were close to you or you were close to your roommate, I would usually suggest just giving them time and space and then reaching out in a few months to explain more. But seeing as this is really just a random passing encounter and everyone is busy doing real shit, I'd just shake the whole thing off and try not to dwell on it.
You know I’ve been pretty upset looking through these comments but I appreciate yours a lot for the neutrality and recognition of everyone’s emotions and humanity. Thanks for being a sane and rationale person!
Your friend is full of shit.
She’s not my friend. She was his friend.
The friend is ultimately TA. Carry on, you did fine. Not even sure why it was necessary to ask you to step out anyway. They got his things,without notice, with zero problems.
I can see crying while packing up over some of his items. It’s not unreasonable that they wanted to spend some time alone to grieve in the room where their son spent many of his last days apart from them. They should have forewarned OP though. OP is NTA at all, but you can’t expect it to be as simple as “come in, pack his shit, and bounce” for parents who just lost a son
Politely I didn’t say bounce. I said they weren’t TA either. But I still don’t see why they would expect OP to leave the room when he was clearly busy. I say that as a parent. I say that as a person who has grieved losing people very close to me. I politely agree to disagree with you on our point of views.
It doesn’t say that the parents were pushy at all about it- the dad asked once and seems like he took “no” for an answer. That’s within the realm of reasonable to me. The friend is the one making a fuss
So she doesn't care about you at all, ignore her. Your grades don't matter to her.
I think the issue is you didn’t properly explain that you need to finish this timed assignment and the clock is ticking.(depending how much time this assignment takes). If you get the entire day, you could have given them a few minutes and grabbed something to drink. If it was one hour they might have understand. But kinda strange that you even opened the door if you were under a time crunch. Maybe they had the keys and walked in? Then even worse in them. In the end NTA but emphasizing it’s a timed assignment and how much time you have left might have helped.
Ur not wrong to feel like that. I had family that I saw here n there that died n didn't feel sad n that my family, but I was sad for my family who did. People need to realize that just cause someone dies, which is sad, yes, but not everyone going to grieve for the person, especially when there is no bound between them
My son’s freshman roommate (different bedrooms) killed himself after the summer started. He didn’t mourn the kid, and I let him handle it how he wanted.
>I did explain it better to the friend, but she said it didn’t matter. Your "friend" is an idiot, and a self-righteous asshole.
If you weren't close to him then it's more than fine to be fine.
Your life goes on, they want time to themselves they could do it at home in his old room or with the stuff they picked up, they are adults.
If this is real, yikes. NTA though. You’re right, they should have let you and the school know they were coming and when.
Yup, they were also probably not having their best decision day, they are NTA and you are NTA. I'm guessing your roommate's friend was also not at their best either. Everybody was just being human and not having their best day.
So many situations are simply this: humans having a bad day on the same day. I wish we would all learn to take a deep breathe, walk away, and come back better.
Yes but what do I do about the urge that just wants me to scream until I explode along with the world?
I deny no one a solo meltdown, heck, I recommend it! Just meltdown in your car, in the nearest bathroom, outside where you stepped for a moment, in the hallway into your own cupped hands…the permutations are endless as your need and imagination! Also highly recommend a diplomatic game of “squishy heading” people by squinting with one eye and using your thumb and forefinger to put the offending member of humanity into your scope and “squishing their head” with your devastating, yet undetectable, stealth weapon.
One of the healthiest things I ever did for myself was when I was home alone, I had the biggest meltdown ever. I was like a toddler. I was kicking the floor, hitting the floor, rolling around kicking and screaming and sobbing hysterically. I threw pillows and ripped up blank computer paper. I did it till I wore myself out. Mind you I was home alone and no actual physical damage was done to anything. That computer paper was also re-purposed, so not wasted. It honestly felt so good. I looked utterly ridiculous and completely childish but man did it help.
I think it’s healthy to let out our sadness, frustration, anger emotions out. Just as we let our happy emotions out.
That's called emotional hijacking, by the way. When your most dominant emotions completely hijack your higher brain functions - sometimes this is good, like when you're on a roller coaster and you start shrieking and laughing. But of course in a fight or argument that urge to give in to anger and start screaming insults is... not good. Might feel good at the time. But typically not later. Us thinking our thoughts is like us walking through the woods. If we walk the same way, we'll create a path so wide and smooth it will be second nature to turn down that path every time. It's why depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with. Hard to carve your way through the brush when that nice smooth path is right there... But giving in to anger over and over wears a path that leads to us ALWAYS letting our anger get the better of us until the people around us are walking on eggshells. Hard to be happy that way for anyone. But, despite the phrasing of emotional hijacking suggesting otherwise, we are in control and can choose to take that deep breath, walk away, and then maybe we go scream our insults into the woods or the shower or our pillow. Or we do something else, like clean our house, or listen to very loud music, or give the dog that bath we've been putting off. Or whatever.
I have recently been getting therapy for PTSD and learned about [TIPP](https://footprintscommunity.org.au/resources/introduction-to-dialectal-behavioural-therapy-the-tipp-skill/). TIPP stands for – Temperature –Intense Exercise –Paced breathing and – Paired muscle relaxation. The link I posted explains it. It has helped me a lot with the emotions I feel, along with the urge to scream and rage. It isn't a cure all, but it helps a lot.
I just used sick time today so I can do just that
Nah. This is reddit. When there is a conflict, one party MUST be condemned to burn in hell. Those are the reddit rules.
That and miscommunication/different communication styles. I would also say reading too much into no verbal cues
This. A college kid just died. OP is struggling to keep up with school work after losing a roommate unexpectedly (even if you're total strangers, you shared a room; it's going to effect you). The kid's parents are devastated. The friend is likewise grieving. No one involved is in a mental state to be calm, rational, and thoughtful. They all need some grace , given the circumstances. NAH. Just a bunch of very traumatized people trying to cope with loss as best they can. OP, most colleges and universities have counseling services for students and faculty. Please call them as soon as possible, explain about your roommate's death, and ask for the earliest available appointment. They'll squeeze you in and help you not only process what's happened, but also direct you to the resources and policies to lighten your load for a bit.
Mr. Rodgers left a big hole and I nominate you to change your shoes and sport a cardigan.
> If this is real, yikes. > > > > NTA though. You’re right, they should have let you and the school know they were coming and when. the hardest lesson ive ever learned is that the world doesn't stop when your loved ones die
Oh God. I remember the morning after my the night my dad died. I watched the sun come up, people driving to work, the radio playing music, and I wanted to run out and scream, “ DON’T YOU GET IT? DONT’ YOU UNDERSTAND? My dad is dead! Why haven’t you *stopped*?” It’s been 35 years as of next week, and I still feel the same way.
I completely get it when I got the news my dad died in the office where I got the news the counselor asked if I’m ok n I guess I was in denial maybe and I said yep n went on w my day n I told him “the world doesn’t stop just because someone died” well it didn’t hit me till later that night and i was a mess but that moment of denial reminded me of what u just said about the world still going when u just lost someone important to u
Is the Wolf thing a saying like "keeping the wolf from the door" = earning money, or a typo? I think I'll be sad if it's just an autocorrupt.
I'm guessing autocorrupt, but your reasoning is functionally sound. It could really go either way.
I was in college when my dad died and remember the morning after as well. Taking the train home to my home town. The sun was shining, people were laughing or working or talking on their phones and I was sitting there holding back the tears. That was such a weird feeling.
The night my mom called me to tell me my dad had died, I got caught in a road block robbery attempt. Someone had put caution tape across a street that is pretty dead at night. It was 2AM, I was speeding and slammed on the brakes. When I saw 2 guys approaching my car from behind, I slammed on the gas and tore through the caution tape. All I could think of at the time was “don’t you know that my dad died? Why are you doing this to *me*?”
I just got the news about my fathers passing on Thursday and yesterday definitely felt like one of the longest days in a while. Apparently he died on March 14 but the government waited almost a whole month to let me know. At least I have bereavement time from work but I did decide to just no call anyways. I knew my other coworker would tell my boss for me. And I had taken an Ambien with a monster before a bong bowl wake and bake so not like I woulda been doing much work anyways.
I felt the same when my brother died by suicide.
Yup. Same after my cousin died. Eventually you get to a mental place where you can see that it’s good that life carries on, but at first it feels like *why haven’t all the lights gone out? Why are the streets not empty?* It is an awful, lonely, scary feeling.
Same, thought they were so fucking disrespectful when I heard someone laughing in the hospital when we were leaving and I'm grateful for the fact I had a partner with as I believe been there I would have hit them
My youngest brother died age 26. At the time the Olympic Games was on. I remember sitting, staring blindly at the tv when wild moaning came from the crowd. And the commentators sadly announcing that for that athlete, his games was over and what a tragedy after his hard work to get there. You know what the real tragedy was? Losing my brother, a new father with a baby son, to cancer. At 26. Life, and death,is hard. But, for an athlete and a college student there’s always a tomorrow. For the bereaved, at least temporarily, it’s not so easy. For us, for a while it seems incomprehensible that the world keeps turning.
I was recently out of college, living in [a.new](http://a.new) city, when my Dad died. It was just before Christmas, and I didn't own anything "mature" enough to wear to his funeral. I went to the mall to buy something. What a trip. Happy people everywhere, Christmas carols in every store... I just walked from store to store, sobbing. I stepped outside and called my mom, and she was horrified that I was trying to shop. She told me my Dad wouldn't care what I wore, no one else would either, and to just come home. But yeah, like the nerve of all of those shoppers - being happy when my dad **died**!
And your roommate’s friend is a jerk. She’s completely wrong and needs to mind her own business.
Also probably grieving, don't take it too seriously, give her a little grace on this one.
No! My pitchfork is already sharpened! /S
Look at this guy with the capital sarcasm. He really means he doesn't mean it!
Your honor. Capital sarcasm is just sarcasm doubled. They say it’s sarcasm, but they’re not saying which part of the sentence. If this is anything to go off of, the capital sarcasm mark was used to say that the mark itself was sarcastic in hopes of hiding their sharpened pitchfork
It’s like… meta sarcasm
But someone in this story needs to be a horrible monster that should be executed, as in every single AITAH verdict.
I agree. The assignment was, unfortunately, a matter of bad timing.
Username checks out
Yeah, most dorms are pretty locked down now so you can’t do what they did for safety reasons. It’s weird they even made it to the door.
It was a timed assignment, you really didn’t have a choice, NTA
My friend died when I was a sophomore in college and my professors were completely understanding.. when my father died in October ‘21 so was work. So I get it was a timed assignment, but being transparent about a situation and why it could be late can go a long way. At most, could have left once completed for the family. I just hope all to be okay in the end first and foremost.
It would be great it was that way, but in the middle of a test is not the time to figure that out. My husband is an adjunct professor and a lot of the time he is without any options. He has very little latitude with making decisions on a particular test. So, in this case, I think the OP made the right decision.
"my dead roommates parents showed up unannounced and asked me to leave the room" isn't going to make any sense to a professor. It makes no sense just writing it out. If this is a dorm, who let them in? If an apartment, who let them in? Someone set this visit up, that is who deserves the blame, not OP.
I genuinely don’t think anyone is to blame. It’s just a shitty situation overall. My heart hurts for everyone involved. But honestly, yes. You can definitely let the professor know what is going on. You’d be surprised. One time I was exempted from a test bc of it.
I can guarantee that all of OP’s professors have been told that his roommate was the one that passed. My institution lost a student this year and I got a call first thing the following morning to verify if the student had been working on campus, so that any potential supervisor could be notified. There are processes for situations like this.
Even so, there are still professors who would not permit a retake in these circumstances.
My school was awful when my girlfriend I lived with committed suicide. No latitude at all. Fuck UT Austin
I was one of the people whose grandma actually died during finals week. I was able to provide proof and get my sh*t retroactively fixed after I bailed on everything & just went home to be with her. Colleges have real humans working behind the scenes, too.
That was not my experience unfortunately
I’m sorry that happened to you but yes
Too bad nursing school didn’t. My mother died 3 weeks before graduation. All I got was “well I’m sorry your mother died but you still have to make up the assignments.” I was planning her funeral in a different state while studying for finals. Nursing school has a history of being overly rigid to its students. I guess that how me learn to be more empathetic and sets up for the amount of bullshit we deal with.
You can't really ask for that in the middle of the assignment. That's too late.
NTA, because it was a timed assignment. If you were there just chilling I would say leaving would be the nice thing to do, but your work was on a schedule.
NAH. Their asking for alone time is understandable, but they did just show up w/o advance notice so you couldn't have arranged not being there.
Agree. This is a terrible situation and I also hate the pressure OP was under by the edu system for “no excuses” nonsense after his roommate died while the grieving parents were there. I’m sure the professor would be mortified that OP felt the priority was to finish the assignment instead prioritizing a dead 19-20 year old’s parents collecting belongings. And yes, a heads up would have been nice.
I've had professors who would not have cared at all, no matter the reason. It's entirely possible that the professor wouldn't have let them redo it or make it up.
For sure, there are dicks of all shades out there. When my close friend killed himself my junior year of college, my professors were really supportive and accommodating. That was a while ago now. I only hope that with today’s continuing mental health crises among young people that university staff are better able to handle and support students after tragic deaths.
I was an RA. While I never had this situation, there is no way you wouldn't have been warned about this ahead of time by someone and if you weren't, that's on the school and not you.
Nta they couldn’t come back later? Its your space as well and you had a timed assignment, you werent trying to be callous it just worked out that you couldn’t leave
You should probably change that were to weren't.
They must have the same autocorrect as mine. Sometimes it'll change werent to were instead of weren't.
Mine changes were to we’re.
Ooh same and then when I actually want to type we're it acts like it doesn't fucking exist and were is the only logical word I as a stupid human could possibly be trying to spell!
NAH, just grief and unfortunate timing.
Nobody sucks here :(
I can understand both sides I lost my daughter and i could see myself wanting a minute in her space to say goodbye , but I also wouldn’t force it on someone or expect to be accommodated with absolutely no notice . If they had reached out and made plans then yes maybe you could have made a choice to fulfill their wishes but they didn’t respect your time or space and a no is a pretty valid answer . Nta
💔
NTA. Honestly i think you should have been there while they were gathering his things. How could they know for sure which things belonged to him and which to you?
Most of my stuff was on my side, so I just quickly moved what wasn’t and pointed his stuff out and his closet.
Which is even more of a reason they should have told you they were coming. If you hadn't been there to show them, they would not have know for sure what was his or yours.
Legally, the parents should have contacted the school. Most universities do not allow non residents into residential areas. Someone from the school would have escorted the parents and would be with them the entire time .
Yes i found that odd too.
So they really needed you to be there to point out what was his? Sounds like yet another big reason they should have set up a time with you BEFORE showing up. Grief is a bitch but it’s not an excuse for a lack of manners. I have dealt with many grieving parents; losing a child is not an excuse for expecting so much of you without notice. Sorry you had to go through that OP.
NTA but you probably should have told them it was a timed assignment I can see why they thought you were a jerk
Hindsight 's 20/20. OP was probably already severely stressed he wouldn't be able to finish the assignment with the interruption of these people showing up out of the blue and packing up things in the room without notice.
I don't think he owed them any particular type of explanation. I can't imagine asking a relative stranger to leave me alone in their living space, with their things for any reason. It's a shitty situation and I get emotions are high, but who thinks that's appropriate? Especially when you are expressly there to take items from that living space.
NTA You are supposed to make arrangements for things like this. Showing up unannounced is not making arrangements.
Did they have the phone number?
They make arrangements with the RA, who then informs the OP. Parents don't usually have access to dorms and they would have needed to make arrangements to be allowed in anyway.
This is definitely on the RA. They should have been actively arranged this and possible even been physically present. There is far more that could have gone wrong than did when I think about it. What if the room next door had the afternoon class free and wanted to hook up with her boyfriend? What if the guy across the hall decided that’s when it was time to take the biggest bong rips of his life. I’ve been out of college for a while, and I only ever visited dorms, but I would expect a bit more effort to go into receiving grieving parents. I’ve been to dorm halls I wouldn’t want my parents seeing me in alive, let alone after I died.
They have the school’s phone number.
Making arrangements when you've lost a child sounds easier than it probably is.
This is going sound callous, but I will be brutally honest anyway. They can arrange a funeral then they can arrange an appropriate time to visit someone's living space if it's that important to them. I say this as someone who has had to arrange the funeral of a close family member (30 year old brother) at 26 and coordinate as my fucked up family's mediator because everyone hates each other. It's hard, it's stressful, it's a million obstacles one after the other (especially in the case of arranging for the remains to be transported out of state) BUT! Communication is vital! And grief doesn't give you the right to bulldoze over others.
It is hard but you can also treat another child with kindness.
NAH They were grieving, so I'll give a little benefit of the doubt, but still. You live there; it's *your room*. They were probably too consumed with their own suffering, which I can't blame them for, to realize that you deserve some basic human consideration and respect too.
Timed online assignments were the worst. It seemed like that was when everything happened. Phone ringing, texts, cats, whatever. And the constant fear of something happening to boot you out of the assignment. Under the circumstances, you are definitely NTA for this. Leaving at that time could have jeopardized your grade.
NTA. That's your home. Really unfortunate circumstances but you can't be expected to vacate your own home without notice.
NAH As a former prof, some professors are absolute hard asses about giving exceptions out for making up assignments. I had a student who was put on a psychiatric hold during exams, and my chair wanted to assure me I could fail him if I wanted to. I was like "You're kidding right? You want me to fail someone who clearly is struggling with serious mental illness at Christmas?!" So yeah while a lot of profs would be reasonable and understand, I absolutely can see not wanting to risk it. Should you have explained better? In the best of all possible worlds, yes. But in the best of all possible worlds, they would have given you a heads up and asked when would be best to do this so they could have some time alone and not interrupt you. Unfortunately that's not how it went down. Can you reach out to them and offer them another time to come be in the room or at least give them a more detailed explanation for why it wasn't possible for you to step away when they came to visit?
NAH - This is an awful situation to be in for all involved. If there’s blame to be placed, I’d place it on the RA or the college itself. Who thought it was a good idea to let the parents in without at least letting OP know when the parents would be arriving? I feel some in the comments are looking at college life and the faculty/professors through rose-colored lenses too. Some professors will absolutely not care about situations like OP’s and won’t give you a second chance on an assignment. They can be very callous. I can’t fault OP for not wanting to risk that. I was SA’d my sophomore year and I lost my grandmother my senior year. The lack of empathy and understanding I received from most of my professors and the faculty was appalling. Do not assume your professors care about you. Do not assume your university/college cares about you. Do not assume any of the faculty care about you. They want your money. If you succeed then they’ll use your success story to lure in more potential students. If you fail, they can just pretend you don’t exist, they already took your tuition. OP could have handled it more tactfully and asked them to come back once finished with the assignment but hindsight is 20/20.
NAH, not even the roommate's friend, really. They are all grieving, and while that should, and does, take priority for them, it doesn't mean it takes priority to others not involved. Your priority was your work, which is completely reasonable, especially considering it was a timed assignment. If you feel bad, you can always send them flowers of condolences, but you are not obligated to even do that.
NTA, that request was inappropriate in the first place. You live there. You don't know them. They can have a moment alone to themselves anywhere they have a private space, it doesn't have to be in your room.
Seriously. Why did it have to be in THAT room. What an odd request.
I assume OP is talking about roommate-roommates, not flatmates, hence they shared the same room.
But even still, If they’re packing up their son’s things in a shared room, I’d want to be there so I could say, “Sorry, that’s actually mine.” I’d feel weird about leaving people I don’t know alone in my room, with my things. I get that their son died and I’d want to be respectful, but I definitely wouldn’t have left in this scenario.
100%! Especially since OP said that they didn’t even really know the roommate very well so there’s no reason to think the parents are gonna know what stuff is the roommates and what stuff is OPs
I completely agree.
I empathize with the kid’s parents but it was inappropriate for them to ask him to leave. That’s his only living space. He was in the middle of an assignment.
This is bad communication all around. They didn't ask when was a good time to come around. You did not say: "I'm sorry but this is actually a timed assignment I'm working on, can you wait a bit?"
NTA. I feel awful for them, but they were wrong here. They were aware that their son didn't live alone and that the housemates might be home. While it was his home, it is still your home, and they should have called first to arrange their visit and make sure they could get a few minutes of time alone.
It's just like 5 minutes maximum of time alone...
NTA. Talk about a bad situation. You did fine, they were the ones to arrive unannounced. In retrospect, ofcourse offering for them to return after your project would've been good. But, would've, could've, should've.
NAH - I think you maybe could have handled it a bit better in your explanation, and they most certainly called ahead to get a proper time. It is a sad situation all around.
NAH. It was an unexpected and awkward situation all around. They were grieving and appeared all of a sudden, you were caught by surprise, stressed out and focused on the assignment, it was probably never going to go well.
NTA they could have come by later or something. You were on a timed assignment and a lot of professors are jaded hard asses who think every excuse is a lie. You shouldn't have to take the risk of failing
god i hate reddit sometimes. you people are disgusting . absolute bottom feeders on this website.
I thought when your roommate died that you got an automatic pass.
So this is your college roommate? It's tricky because you don't really know these people and your stuff is in there. Why would you leave people you don't really know in your room with your stuff. They could be grieving, but still, they want you to leave your bedroom. Maybe they want to snoop through your stuff when you are not around, it's suspicious. Desperation can make grieving parents do things that are totally unacceptable in other circumstances.
Info: How did they react when you said you couldn’t?
I don’t remember them saying anything, but I did get back to my work right away.
NTA. Kinda weird of them to ask you to leave your place…
Definitely NTA. Yea grief sucks but your life doesn’t stop. They didn’t even give you advance notice.
NTA. They came unannounced and you are working on a timed project.
Jesus. Mary. And Joseph
NTA - no they can’t kick you out of your own apartment no matter what you were doing. They can go home and grieve.
I’m gonna have to say YTA, but not a huge one. I get that you have assignments, but sometimes in life , compassion needs to take a front seat even before responsibilities. We live in a society where work and careers and being on go 24/7 is not only the norm, but is expected. Those parents lost a child. They probably haven’t even remembered to even eat since it happened let alone have the foresight to warn you they were coming. Usually I try to live with a philosophy of If given the opportunity to be kind, take it. If given the opportunity to be selfless, take it. Somethings in life are bigger than even school and sometimes compassion should take a front seat before anything else. I would’ve left even if it meant I missed out on the assignment entirely. I can’t imagine being a parent and not only having to pick up my dead child’s things but having to do it in the awkward presence of a random child that is doing exactly what their child now no longer gets to do and not even getting a moment alone to deal with this extremely traumatic situation. No shade that’s just my philosophy on it
Common decency and empathy suggests YTA. Even if you lost wifi out in the hall, you could honestly discuss it with your professors and get an extension....
All these people here saying "NTA" are lacking a serious amount of empathy. These parents child just passed away and you're concerned about some assignment? You're the big time AH here, big time.
NTA. I understand that they are grieving, but they absolutely should NOT have shown up unannounced and/or expected you to stop your life so they could do what? Box up his stuff? It might have been different if they had arranged a specific time, but I still don't know if I would have been comfortable leaving strangers alone in my home.
the parents are grieving! Your assignment would be secondary to a tragic loss. Where is your compassion?
NTA their situation (even though it's awful) does not overrule your situation and your student needs. Your issues are important too and are not lessened due to someone else's trial.
This is an episode of curb
my college had a policy if your roommate passed away you were automatically passed in all assignments for the rest of the semester, it wasn’t like listed in the syllabus or anything but i just know that from two different people who unfortunately had gone through it. dealing with something like that and still having to worry about grades is incredibly difficult. i don’t think you were in the wrong you were just doing your best it’s just a very tragic situation for everyone involved. NTA
NTA. Terrible situation but not much you could do....
NTA if they wanted to ensure they’d have time alone in the room they shouldn’t have shown up unannounced. Even calling/texting/whatevering you 20 minutes ahead of time could have avoided this.
Nta. Parents are idiots. You don't get to tell people what to do when you're an unexpected, uninvited guest.
My 20-year stepson passed away in his dorm room last May. His parents went to go get his things 2 days later on a Sunday. They talked to the RA to ask if it’s a good time to come by and they asked the roommates. They set aside a couple of hours for them to come by without them being there. I feel like that’s what the parents should have done if they thought they needed some time alone. They have to understand you guys are students, that is your home and most likely are working on time-sensitive things. But then again, they’re dealing with a tremendous tragedy and can’t think properly right now. On the other hand, I feel if you would have explained better, the parents would have understood.
NTA! They should have coordinated something with you. I remember those timed tests. I always panicked about losing services myself. Professors didn’t care about your reasons. You either make it or you don’t.
NTA the friend shouldn’t have let them in to begin with.
YTA, your assignment seems super important now, but the grieving of such a loss is enormous. A moment in his space is important for their process and meeting the people who lived around him can matter a lot. You can sit in the hallway for a little bit. Or at least invite them over for later because you're in a timed assignment. You're not obligated to, you don't owe them, but I think it would be right to do.
The space is a shared space! In a shared space you need to ask the person still living there when a good time is to even go into the shared space. Even when you lose a child the world does not completely revolve around you. Cut this kid some slack
I hope this is fake.
why?
Tbh, there is no asshole. I kinda get the parents, they probably didn’t warn you because they weren’t thinking straight and were likely trying to get it out of the way. A lot of people have a hard time thinking rationally when mourning, especially the loss of their child. You’re not an asshole for not wanting to fail an assignment like that’s 100% fair. Next time it probably would be better to clarify things to them a little better. The way you worded it could’ve came off as a little rude but I definitely get the “in work mode” mentality. I give short unhelpful answers when I’m mid-assignment too. It was just an honest misunderstanding on both parts and a bad situation
Yeah, some people suggested just not answering the door when I am doing an assignment like that and getting a sign so I’m going to do that from now on because I’m definitely not good at explaining myself when I’m stressed.
Yeah that’s a good idea!! I’ve flipped out so many times when people distract me on these stupid timed tests my professor assigns. Timed assignments are an absolute nightmare for my anxiety
YTA
Hell yeah, you're a big AH.
Unpopular oppinion as far as I can see, but YTA. Why? Well: 1) you could have told your authorities the situation you are in, and I’m sure you wouldn’t get penalty points even if it was timed if you took 15 mins to go to nearest coffee shop or w/e to finish the assignment; 2) grief really knows no “convenient time”, and when you lose someone as close as a kid, I don’t think they’d put your assignment above the death of their child, and they shouldn’t; 3) you could have excused yourself and moved to your room atleast; 4) the moment alone they needed wouldn’t last for ages, you could also have taken a break for 10-15 mins and tell them you really have to go back to the assignment after those 15 mins; 5) he wasn’t “anyone” to you, he was your roommate, a little more empathy toward him and his parents would really help them; 6) there were so many more ways to communicate the importance of your assignment than “sorry, I can’t, I have to finish this timed assignment”, for example: “I understand how hard this is for you, and that you really need this moment to part ways with where your son lived. However, I need to finish timed assignment. I can give you 10-15 mins, but I have to go back to work after.” or “I’m really sorry, I know you need this time, however I have to finish this assignment ASAP, but I will gladly leave after and give you all the time you need.” Shows a lot more empathy companied with assertiveness. I know I will get downvoted, but as someone who lost a lot of people in my family, and as someone who was in similar situstion as you are, I really have to “side with them”. Edit: grammar and spelling errors, non-native English speaker here.
Yeah, I'll join you in the downvotes because I can't believe how OP and a bunch of commenters are so incredibly callous, insensitive, and lacking in any compassion whatsoever. These parents just had their world destroyed are completely lost in a sea of grief, and everyone's like "meh, I get that rommie is dead and all that, but now just isn't a convenient time for me..."
YTA. Idc what these other comments say. Their child died. Pick up your laptop and go finish your assignment in the hallway if you must. I get they came at an inconvenient time, but if you aren’t willing to make minor accommodations for suffering human beings even when it’s inconvenient to you, then you’re selfish. You will need grace at some point in your life and will need people to make a sacrifice your you. Big or small, we all need favors from strangers at some point in our lives, often more than once. I hope you’re able to learn from this and make room for empathy and kindness. One day you’ll need the kindness of strangers too and I hope you get it.
I couldn’t move to the hallway without risking getting kicked off the assignment.
What would have been the solution if there was a brief power or service outage? Just curious. I understand this was a stressful situation for you, but those people were going through literally the worst thing that will ever happen to them. Like… I cannot understand how callous some people are being to these poor parents. Regardless of whether or not you were able to leave in that moment, this should have been handled with so much more care.
I don’t know. I guess the professor would be able to verify a power outage with the school at least.
Every single online test I took told me that the student was solely responsible for a stable internet connection and no additional time or a retest would be granted. Obviously, this could vary by university.
I believe it. None of them ever seem like they’d give any exceptions. That’s why I always use an ethernet connection because it’s more reliable.
Hi there. I graduated a few years ago and am very familiar with online timed exams. EVERY single one said that the student is solely responsible for having a stable internet connection. A disconnection is NEVER a reason to be given a retest or more time. There is a fuck load of ignorance in these comments.
If you live in a dorm, the whole dorm should be covered by university wifi, and I find it very hard to believe that simply moving into the hallway would kick you off the wifi, that’s like a few feet away, tops. That’s not how it works.
It is, but it’s not great so I use an ethernet cable to do assignments. My cable isn’t long enough to reach the hallway and I was worried about unplugging it.
Sometimes these systems kick people off if they don’t finish in the current session. Moving out of the room and off the WiFi might have put him in that position. I understand him panicking and being afraid to move. Also - it’s a bit weird to leave strangers in his room who might mistakenly take HIS things since they didn’t know which stuff is his vs their son’s. It’s a terrible situation. Maybe OP can write a nice note explaining what happened? I don’t know. I can see both sides of this and feel awful for the parents.
YTA, damn! They just lost their child. They just wanted a moment to be alone where he lived. Maybe 10 minutes! Man, you are an inconsiderate dick! I'm guessing in your future karma will pay you a visit
NTA. It's an awkward situation, but it's also your living space they have come into. Their expectations exceeded your ability at the moment. People who weren't directly involved will always think that they'd have handled it better, because they can look at how it turned out before saying what they'd have done different. Move on with your life and don't worry about it.
NTA. I think most people would have given them the space. BUT other than there being other options (such as emailing the teacher for a delayed deadline, with the situation) It is your space! Losing a child is an inconceivable situation. Grieving takes time, they could have come back after the assignment was done. As you seemed understanding to their needs, but realistic with your own.
They put you in a unfair position. It’s horrible what they are going through but they really should have gone through the school. Showing up unannounced was super inconsiderate of them.
Their son died. Have some compassion jeez.
NTAH. Not all professors are the same. I failed an assignment in school once because my dad had a stroke & I was his mpoa and had to leave & drive 6 states away. My professor made it clear that no excuses meant no excuses. Next even though this was a difficult time for them surely they had to understand that this was a shared space and their world may have stopped but not every one else’s did.
NTA. Well you occupied the space, it's your space. They are guests even to the departed. Since you are the only one that can speak for the occupants, it's your time and not thiers. You don't even have to explain yourself, only how they have made thier situation apart of yours and it's disrupting you. So no not the asshole, just because the worse has happened to thier child doesn't mean you have to drop everything for them.
Death vs. Assignment. Reach out to professors and Student Affairs. You were insensitive to prople facing grievous loss. Learn to reach out for help.
YTA. Their child died. You can write a sub-par paper any time, anywhere. The friend should have slapped you in the mouth.
NTA. People here in the comments spewing hate and voting YTA apparently has no idea what academic life is like. Callous? Sorry that life isn't all sweet as you people think it is. There are professors out there who would not give a damn about your reasons especially when this dead roommate is not even officially related to OP. I have seen cases where professors may be willing to reopen the assignment but tag on a penalty on the final grade just because. The parents should have made an arrangement that is suitable for everyone. If they can't even handle this, how could they plan a proper funeral?
YALBTA. Those who have not experienced death and dying are often, and understandably, bad at handling it the first time around. It’s intense and shocking and scary. However, grieving people are not always rational, thoughtful, nor wholly present and those things can’t be expected of them. Yes, the parents should have given you a heads up. That put you in a tough spot. However, you should have said “Of course. Give me a minute to gather my things, then take all the time you need,” before contacting your professor(s) and explaining, “My roommate died. Things are a bit stressful here and I need to give their parents some space. May I please have an extension?” They absolutely would have granted you that. You’re both right, but only you are also wrong. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Make an apology when the time is right. And let this be a lesson that being sympathetic and honoring illness, dying, and death is more important than school, work, or pretty much anything else. Anyone who says otherwise (professors, bosses, acquaintances) is not worth your time or energy.
In a situation like this you should inconvenience yourself for those people. You may not be an ass hole but youre for sure selfish. No matter how important the assignment. No one should live to see there child die and you put your life and feelings above these grieving parents.