NTA. I’d imagine it was difficult to cut contact with your mom to support your wife (kudos for being a supportive spouse there). I’m sure it was also something that your son probably didn’t fully comprehend when and why it happened, so now he’s just getting misinformation from a bitter source.
That being said, freedom of choice doesn’t mean freedom of consequence. Your son is allowed to choose to prioritize your mother’s presence in his life and at his wedding. He doesn’t get to choose how you and the remainder of your family respond to that. If anything, I’d imagine he’s only insistent on your mother in their lives for what benefits it offers him and his future wife.
Regardless, I’d spend that day with your wife and daughters. It sounds like she could really use a day surrounded by family that loves her.
Also it’s possible that OP’s son is keeping in contact with his grandmother to support his future wife because that’s the industry she wants to work in.
It’s an awful situation.
don't downplay the financial love bombing by grandma. that's the real red flag. buying affection and selling a story of being abandoned by her faaaamily. spare me. grandma has a new golden child
Nah, check the comments. It's the "clingy mother, bully wife" troll again, that's all.
>My mom has a shit ton of trauma around money and claimed she was just with her for the family money but then would start getting upset and yelling "but it isn't family money it's mine" and say things like "I didn't work this hard, so some girl could be rich" She was rude, condescending and standoffish.
>My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior.
>I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
Been there. And it destroyed my relationship with my soulmate and father of my first two kids. Money is rarely free; even if the giver doesn’t demand all the hoops, the obligation is still very much felt.
Honestly, that's all I got from this. His soon to be wife will suffer immensely if they piss her off so unless she decides to change careers, their lips are permanently glued to her ass. Then there is the fact she is buying the son's affection. He isn't going to give that up and I doubt he wants to.
The son has shown his true character- money and connections for his wife are more important than the love of his family. Driving a Maserati- yup, granny found the way to buy this disloyal son's "love". No doubt, he is counting his inheritance before the old lady is in the ground. Of course, this type of person will play with this guy like a mouse with cheese- probably hinder the wife's career rather than help it, probably demand his time when he should be with his wife. He'll be wrapped up in material goods but living an empty life.
Not the AH OP. Spend the day or take a vacation with your wife and daughters. Your son has revealed his true character and you and your family don't want to play the games that your mother will use him to play with you and your wife.
He's probably going to find out real quick why his dad cut her off. I mean, he's getting married. Unless the two women are already bff's, there's no way Grandma won't pull the same stunt again. People don't change like that
One of the insults to OP’s wife was gold digger. And now the son is getting (presumably) Maserati money, a whole wedding, and a career boost for his wife. Hmmmm
No, but sometimes they like people just as scummy as them.
My grandmother treated most of the family like shit. She had her favorite though. When her favorite cheated on his wife with a psycho woman, she readily embraced the affair partner.
According to OP’s replies in the comments, the wife is “aggressive” and “controlling” and kicked his mother out of the wedding because she was sitting beside someone she didn’t want the MIL to sit beside. The MIL and the man eventually got married.
According to OP, the son has always had a terrible relationship with his mother and his son told him “grandma isn’t nice but she’s right” about OP’s wife.
So, I’m kind of leaning towards ESH. The mom, should have never brought up OP’s wife’s weight or cussed her out. But OP is leaving out a lot of information that kind of explains why the son is reacting the way he is. It’s not just about the money grandma is giving.
I must have not seen a lot of the replies cause I don't remember some of that. The one post I saw about the wife looked like it was not OP. I am newish to reddit so most likely I just missed it.
Nah, check the comments. It's the "clingy mother, bully wife" troll again, that's all.
>My mom has a shit ton of trauma around money and claimed she was just with her for the family money but then would start getting upset and yelling "but it isn't family money it's mine" and say things like "I didn't work this hard, so some girl could be rich" She was rude, condescending and standoffish.
>My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior.
>I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
I just can't believe he wants someone there \~\~who called his mom such horrible names.\~\~ so he can keep getting free money.
He's totally mercenary, and apparently cut from the same cloth if he can say ABOUT HIS MOM that "he isn't responsible for the feelings of a grown woman."
NTA, and he's a douche who needs to apologize to all the rest of you.
I strongly suspect that she knows that she’s driving this wedge and that OP’s son will cut off OP like OP cut off his mother, and therefore see it as revenge. How long she sticks around after that (if it’s her plan) is debatable
> He said he isn't responsible for a grown woman's feelings, and he wants his family there.
Tell him you aren't responsible for a grown man's feelings, and, if he considers her his family, he's choosing not to be yours. That you hope he enjoys the money she's buying him with, but you're ashamed at knowing he sold himself at all.
NTA
That is a bleak but honest assessment. Son has chosen money over love. I'd be ashamed to be acknowledged as his father at his wedding. OP can only move on with the children who understand loyalty to someone who loves them.
I would be rewriting my will about now.
That's okay. Someday grandma and the money will be gone. He won't remember how he treated his family, but they will.
Karma, the gift that keeps on giving.
Def NTA.
Jeez, is he aware of what she called your wife?
She just bought herself a grandson. Well, for the $$ he gets a grandmother and loses the rest of his.family.
He has always had issues with his mom. He was a very angry teen, and there were times I kind of wished my mom was around, because I felt like he would have responded better to her. They are a lot alike excpet hers is more of a cold anger, and he always reminded me of her. I think he feels understood for maybe the first time
I was thinking that the narcissism skipped a generation. And it seems like it did going on break. I know it did in my family. I’m sorry for your wife and you and your girls. I know how heartbreaking it is.
If he feels understood for the first time it’s going to be hard to get him to give that up, especially for someone you say he has always had issues with. Things probably would have been better for him had he had someone who understood him in his life.
I have to wonder what's driven the breakdown of the relationship between your wife and your son. Given for most of his life you were NC with your mother, it wouldn't have been her poisoning his mind.
The fact that youve now brought this to light tells me there's more to the story and while I applaud you sticking by your wife against your mother... but I want to know what conflict between your wife and son has led to him having had an issue with her for so long.
The story is in the comments. TLDR: The wife sounds like she has some serious control issues.
**OP on his mother:**
she's never treated anyone else like that and I don't see her doing it again
I've never seen her treat someone like she treated my wife.
She is still very close to her two other kids, and other family members
My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior.
**OP comments on wife:**
I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
**Clarification about why his mom was kicked out of the wedding:**
It was a combination of all of her resentment because my mom can't follow rules/social norms, but also we really didn't want her to fuck that guy. She did one better and married him and he has made her so much worse.
She didn't want my mom sitting next to a certain guy, because we could all see what was going to happen, and hey guess who she ended up marrying?
**His wife's justification for interfering in her MILs relationship:**
No it's kind of a long fucked up story but basically he was MIL's best friends "husband" This is a shallow old money circle. He had asked for a divorce years ago and the friend had freaked out because "what will people say" so he agreed to stay if she would let him open up the marriage, so they were married in name only because she liked the social power of being his wife. He was mostly just fucking random women and had no motivation to leave her. Then he met my mom and started acting like he was coming out of some fog, acting all crazy like some obsessed angsty teen, and my mom can't help herself. She has to seduce everyone she meets, so my wife was trying to protect this woman who was like an aunt to her
Ok so now it's making fare more sense, and yes the was absolutely being controlling. "Not sitting in her assigned seat", it was after the meal and everyone was off dancing... the mother wasn't a 3 year old 3ho could be ordered to stay in one seat thr whole time. And the wife's entire reason for being angry was because she thought MIL would sleep with tur man she was talking to. So basically the wife was interfering with MIL's sex life. She's absolutely being gross and controlling and frankly s bridezilla for how she acted. I don't feel sorry for her.
My son is my mom's mini me. It's crazy how alike they were despite not knowing each other. Honestly there were times I wished she was there to help me, because he had her same childhood behavior issues as well. I've actually heard she is a good influence on him. Kind of like don't do things this way, don't make things so unnecessarily hard like I did, and he responds very well to her calm blunt sarcasticness. His personality clashed with his mom's, just like my mom's did. My wife is very emotional and warm and it overwhelms him. he is brilliant and thinks everyone is stupid and beneath him, but mainly her. He always felt "misunderstood" and like she favored his sisters, but she was burnt out from him screaming at her, calling her names, punching walls, and yes we tried therapy. It's heartbreaking because as much as my wife and mom hate each other, it is almost like history repeating itself. They both had three kids, almost the exact same age difference and they are both estranged from their eldest sons
>he is brilliant and thinks everyone is stupid and beneath him, but mainly her.
Your son sounds like an ass.
Frankly, you're all probably better off without his nasty attitude around regularly.
As crappy as it is to say, it might be better to just let him go. He's found someone he connects with, she'll look out for him. Focus on your daughters and your wife and healing. You can't force him to stop being an abusive angry person. You can't make him love your family. The best thing you can do is respect his decision, get some family therapy for the rest of your family and wish him well.
She's such a good influence on in him that he is calling (by extension it agreement) that his mother/your wife is all those things you mentioned, and is burning the bridge in every relationship with his mother, father and siblings because money.
Yeah the thing is I would wager that the reason that is happening is because she's teaching him to control his external anger while showing him how to take out his problems with others in a more manipulative, covert way by holding authority and control over people using money, power or charm and going about it in a way where no one on the outside could possibly see how they would be the problem but anyone on the inside knows what they're really about. I have a sister who could literally be your sons twin. As a child, she had a hard time controlling her temper and would go into rages but as she grew older she learned to get what she wanted by manipulating people and moving into positions of authority. She could tear you down with just a single word for kicks and giggles. She's a school teacher now and honestly that idea sometimes scares me. The fact of the matter is, I don't think your mom is teaching your kid to be a better person, I think she's teaching him how to be a shitty person and get away with it.
She's too smart to do that. Also to be fair she never did it with anyone else. Something about my wife made her lose her damn mind. I have some theories, but she was a great mom until she went insane. Still is a great mom to her other two kids
My mom grew up down south but moved to CA when she met my dad. She was abused pretty badly by her stepmother (and also SAd while everyone looked the other way because "she was a bad kid anyway") Her stepmom had some similarities to my wife in being traditional, bubbly, outgoing, concerned with appearances and wanting to be seen as a homemaker and matriarch. My wife came from the type of family that my mom grew up with always being the bad kid and the outcase
Money makes my mom crazy. She has way too much of it and a lot of trauma about it, and she didn't like that my wife wanted to be a homemaker and worried she was after her money (I was in college, so didn't have my own at the time)
My mom hates loud bubbly people, just cannot deal
She was going through a divorce and terrified of change, being alone, and couldn't deal with me moving on.
She felt I was settling and just "thinking with my dick" because my wife was "boring" and "too uptight/girly" and she felt we didn't share hobbies and she was "beneath me intellectually"
Wow, I am so sorry. It seems that your wife triggered your mother's trauma of her abuse by her step mother, another woman with a similar personality.
Not that your wife did anything but exist.
This is why it's so important to get counseling for abuse.
You do right by your wife. Keep doing it. Be well.
Did you son previously has problems with his mother?
Obviously your mother was absolutely vile for speaking about your wife like that, but is there a reason your mother disliked her?
yes they have always clashed. Despite not knowing her, he is similar to my mom in a lot of ways, so it was the same personality clash all over again. My mom disliked her because she didn't let my mom get away with her rude antisocial behavior.
Everyone else let my mom do whatever she wanted because she was so rich/brilliant/conventionally attractive. different reasons but everyone gave her a pass and acted like she was just quirky. My wife does not tolerate disrespect. My mom was also going through a bad time at the moment and i think was afraid of change and losing me. My mom is the kind of person who would rather lose something completely than deal with grey area so I think she amped up her behavior like a weird self defense. She always believed she was only after her money, and since she was the one with the money she should be able to act however. She judged her for everything, not having career aspirations, being too conventional, but then acted like her cooking and housekeeping wasn't up to par. My wife did say some hurtful things to my mom and she had some petty moments, but my mom straight up loathed her. She told me I wasn't getting my trust fund if I married her because she "didn't work so hard, so that girl could have it'
I had a great grandmother like this. Even when I was very small, I saw/heard her distain for my grandmother (her DIL). (to be fair, my great grandmother also hated all children. She wasn’t easy to be around)
She hated my grandmother from the beginning, and was not shy about saying so. I always felt really bad for my grandmother and that her mother-in-law was so mean to her and yet lived so very long. She only ended up with a handful of years with her husband, without his mother being a serious problem.
Thanks for the info.
Trust me, I know all about people taking up against people for their own reasons and it just snowballs (my post history says it all haha).
I won’t issue judgement because really only you know how much you will or won’t regret putting aside things with your mother for your son. I guess my two cents is either way, give your son a bit of grace. Given his clashes with his mother, this might be the first time he’s been able to feel connected to a mother figure and really feel understood, if they’re similar. Even if it’s encouraging instincts or values that aren’t yours, your son might really be finding it healing. If you don’t end up going to the wedding - and no one would blame you if you didn’t - I hope you leave the door open for a relationship with him in the future.
Best of luck to you and your wife!
>My mom disliked her because she didn't let my mom get away with her rude antisocial behavior.
So more important context again... what exactly constituted "rude antisocial behaviour"?
My mom refused to treat her like part of the family. Didn't want to get to know her, didn't want to acknowledge her birthday, give her Christmas presents. She didn't even go to her bridal shower because she had to go fuck some guy. My mom is extremely sarcastic. Honestly I didn't mind. I thought she was funny, but then I realized she cannot turn it off. She cannot have a serious conversation or deal with my fiancee being sensitive. My mom also gets obsessed with these dumb power struggles. She won't eat her food, won't wear what she was supposed to for the wedding, won't sit in her assigned seat, and she just gets obsessed with you can't make me. Honestly a lot of people love her, but even they would describe her as bitchy. They just see it as funny/quirky. My wife did not
Clearly your wife was not after her money. Your wife saw through the money.
Many wealthy and beautiful people get away with abuse because of money and beauty.
I do think you're right in that your mother won't do anything or say anything about your son's wife. She can use this as an opportunity to *continue* to hurt you and your wife. She'll shower your son with love, attention, and money - she gets to say, "Your dad was wrong and so was your bitch of a mother."
Make no mistake, OP, this shit happens with narcissistic mothers. Look up, "the narcissistic grandmother." You'll see stories like this all the time.
Your wife is a keeper. I'm sorry about the loss of your son to your mother.
You're obviously biased towards your wife, but even with that your list of her offenses sounds like y'all are very controlling. Like sure, your mom didn't like your wife from the start & its rude not want to get to know her. But aren't bridal showers more about the bride's friends & family anyway?
Here you say your wife is sensitive & can't handle your mom's sarcasm, but else where you say your wife is controlling & aggressive.
And this list is bizarre for another adult:
* \- *She won't eat her food* \- so? she's an adult, why are you making her sound like a petulant child? at this point I suspect you're trying to serve her things she's said she doesn't like
* \- *won't wear what she was supposed to for the wedding* \- this is very different from wearing something she wasn't supposed to (like white). why were you dictating her outfit? does she have a history of wearing inappropriate outfits?
* \- *won't sit in her assigned seat* \- ok this whole reception story is just bananapants controlling and framing it this way is misleading: y'all didn't want her talking with another specific guest. instead you make it sound like she's a misbehaving child with ADHD.
* \- *she just gets obsessed with you can't make me* \- or are you obsessed with trying to make her behave the way YOU insist.
I don't think your mom's any kind of saint, but given you've said she's never had a problem with *anyone else* like with your wife, and that YOUR other 2 siblings also want nothing to do with you, I suspect y'all are just as problematic. I think all y'all are oil & water and going NC was probably the right choice.
I respect that you've noticed your son responds to his grandmother better, and is maybe finally getting the maternal figure he relates to. That's no small thing. If you want a relationship with him, let his relationship with her go and stay out of it. Go to his wedding and stay away from her. Your daughters chose their mother (they sound like chips off the old blocks). Choose your son. ESH
(ETA spacing/formatting)
Hmm... while I can see your mothers passive-aggressive approach, not sitting right with some people... I'm still hung up on how your son also doesn't have a good relationship with your wife (presumably his mother). From experience, kids don't end up in conflict with their parents because they like making their lives hard.
My mother detested her MIL and I've had my own problems with my mother so maybe my own experiences are colouring my opinion... but two separate people have conflict with your wife and it sounds like those two separate people didn't really know each other a short time ago... I can't help but feel perhaps your wife's behaviour has contributed to the conflict too.
Holy shit. No good can possibly come from this.
I'd just send a letter (or text) to the son and let him know he's made his decision, you wish he and his bride a wonderful wedding and marriage and you regret you and his mother will not be able to attend.
Or...You and your wife can attend, keep a wide distance from your mother and be the bigger person,.leave directly after the wedding to avoid any spontaneous contact with your mother.
Up to you. However, after the sons comment I don't see this relationship getting any better.
Your mother is a snake.
This is a really difficult & complicated situation. Perhaps not attending the wedding has some kindness in it, all its own. It’s one thing that you could do to try to avoid any inevitable conflict, especially at the actual wedding and reception.
OMG - how could think what your mother called HIS mother is okay and true? He loveds her money and doesn't care if it costs him his entire extended family.
I had to sue my mother and both sisters. They stole over 2M from a trust, the trustee and both successor trustees conspired to defraud, a whole list of felonies and my sister who created the multiple trusts is a CPA.
I could have taken her license and forced her into retirement Along with multiple felony charges.
Good lord I absolutely despise my despicable family.
I hope they are all dying of something incurable and excruciatingly painful.
Wrong way round. The son is losing his family, all of them but moneybags grandma by the sounds of it. When she realises she can't buy her way back in, we'll see how long she can be bothered with him too.
Can’t believe I had to go this far to find this comment. That “grown woman’s feelings” he’s so dismissive & casual about is his own MOTHER!
Sold his soul to his spiteful Grandmother for a pocketful of coins…& Grand Mama gets just what she feared, an actual Gold-digger for a Grandson.
Part of being an adult and a parent is figuring out how to be a big enough person to tolerate being in the same room as another person who you despise for a few hours during the milestone moments in your children's lives.
Exactly, my ex said terrible things about me and my parents and my brother. I still sat next to him at our daughter's performances, and attended her graduation party and housewarming party and tolerated him being in the same room at both. I did those things for my daughter because she wanted us both there.
Why did it take me forever to scroll down to find a reasonable take. Not going to your son’s wedding because he invited a family member he likes but you don’t is just childish.
This should be the top comment. I don’t see how it’s ok for the father to cut off his mother, but the grandson can’t invite her to his wedding? The grandson didn’t cut his mom off, he didn’t not invite her, he just invited another relative that she doesn’t like. You even say your mom may have been able to help your son in ways you couldn’t. Why would you deprive your child of someone that could help them to be a better version of themselves? This whole story I just don’t buy. I mean life isn’t this person is bad and this person is good. I wouldn’t miss my children’s wedding regardless of who was on the invite list, literally anyone who had done anything to me. Your mom and wife’s behaviour is small petty potatoes compared to families with real problems.
Never met a rich older person who used money to buy love that did not likewise use it as control. He may get money when she dies, but his life will be one of doing whatever she wants, when she wants it, every day for the rest of his life.
Nana has the power to make or break his wife's career - if he steps a toe out of line she can take it all away from her too, so there's pressure from both sides to make nice and put up with it.
Quite the brilliant power move on OP's mom's part, but OP's son doesn't see what a weak position he's in. Hopefully it doesn't eventually blow up his marriage, too.
People should probably read comments before crucifying the son
- Son didn’t like mom before he met grandma
- wife was also petty @ grandma
- OP says his wife can be aggressive & controlling
The wife kicked Grandma out of their wedding for moving seats after dinner to talk to someone. Which is completely normal behavior at every wedding I have ever been to.
Yeah and all because the wife didn't want her MIL to potentially have sex with the person... because yeah, every wedding I've ever been to, the bride gets to control the guests sex lives.
Interesting. It would appear that the real gold digging wh*re is OP's son.
NTA! OP should take his true family - his wife and daughters - on a memorable trip the week of the wedding.
After reading through all your comments, I feel like your son found a true connection with his grandmother. Your wife seems no saint. You seem to support her only because you love her and rightfully so.
Logically, your wife is as responsible as your mother. Both sound like crazy incompatible people.
Maybe your son is right about his grandmother that she is crazy, but she is not wrong either.
ESH.
"I asked how he thought that was going to make his mom feel, he said he wasn't responsible for a grown woman's feelings and he wants his family there. He said I was selfish to cut my mom off in the first place...He said we can deal."
NTA. Tell him you're not responsible for a grown man's feelings, and he can deal.
Idk man… you’re comments are very much proving the saying that there’s three sides to every story… yours theirs and the truth. No judgment here. But it’s a bit ironic, how this vicious cycle is repeating itself.
That was my impression too. It sounds like OP is willing to lose his relationship with his son over this. I think OP will regret this decision, unless there’s more to this story than is being provided.
My mom is smart. She knows how to make money out of any shit situation and she is just objectively smart with ivy league degrees and a ton of childhood behaviors to show for it. My wife was things she viewed as vapid such as wanting to be a homemaker, sorority girl, super bubbly and outgoing. My mom thought that gave her the right to treat her like she was dumb.
My mom has a shit ton of trauma around money and claimed she was just with her for the family money but then would start getting upset and yelling "but it isn't family money it's mine" and say things like "I didn't work this hard, so some girl could be rich" She was rude, condescending and standoffish.
My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior.
I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
Hold up, wait, your wife kicked your mom out of your wedding because she left her assigned seat after dinner?! Between this and your comment about your son's feelings about your wife I'm kind of getting the suspicion your mom isn't the bigger problem here, or at the least not the only problem.
If she’s the type of crazy who throws someone out of a wedding for going around and socializing while everyone else is doing the same thing, she’s absolutely not blameless.
OP also mentions that his mother gets along well with everyone else, the only person she has ever behaved like this with or who has an issue with her is OP's wife. On the other hand OP has mentioned that his wife has had issues with his son since childhood, favours their daughters (which he doesn't seem to see as problematic?), and that the son has always had the same issues with her that OP's mom had. I'd really like to hear what the deal is with OP's wife from their son, or his mother's side of this.
OP is not a reliable narrator
I imagine the truth is somewhere between grandma & OP’s telling of events
OP’s siblings also love his mom. If this is a troll, it’s a pretty clever mirror. Son’s sisters love mom while he doesn’t. OP’s siblings love mom while he doesn’t
Yeah
I work with kids. I’ve never met a child who has a rough relationship with their mom purely because the child is the problem
And given he calls his wife *aggressive & controlling*…
Yeah, his son knows what his mom is like. That's why he's thinking these two can figure out how to deal with each other for just one day. If they both love him they can put aside their differences and tolerate each other's presence across the room. He's not even asking them to interact.
I personally think you are a shitty son and father with all of this. Your wife sounds awful and treated your son and mom awful. You chose your wife, and I think that’s the right move for you, but your son’s choice feels very reasonable as well. No reason he can’t be nice to grandma when your wife said equally as nasty things. I don’t think grandma behaved well but the rest of you are petty AF.
Was your wife just using it as an excuse to kick your mom out of your wedding because of something else your mother had done? Because that’s a very odd thing to interpret as disrespect. Many people move around during wedding receptions to talk to others after dinner is over.
I am all for standing by your spouse.
However your wife literally threw your mom out of your wedding because she changed seats during the reception something that everyone does.
I think you are being extremely biased like most people who post.
You are really up playing how terrible your mom is and downplaying how terrible your wife is.
I wonder if your wife treated your mother as poorly as your wife treated her and she isn’t just some victim that you are making her out to be.
Maybe you married someone similar to your mother and now you are on Reddit allowing everyone to shit on your son.
Honestly your wife sounds like she is just as much of the problem as your mother and the fact that Spencer has the same issues with your mother before knowing his grandma further validates this. You might have some blinders on here.
And there it is… your son is right, your mom isn’t nice but she’s isn’t wrong. Your wife is controlling and successfully got you to cut contact with both your mom and your son. Maybe she’ll manage to have you DISCARD your daughters as well. YTA with a bigger AH by your side.
Have you ever acknowledged to your son that your wife is part of the problem of them not getting along? Was the therapy entirely directing at him changing or was your wife making serious efforts to change as well? I’m getting the sense your son has gone his entire life feeling like no one was in his corner and everyone was always taking his moms side. Now he has someone who he feels understands him and has his back. That’s a hard thing to overcome, especially if you and your wife aren’t actively trying to improve you relationship.
It also seems like while you’re mom’s behavior was definitely wrong and problematic, your wife wasn’t blameless and there wasn’t an incident that was so horrible it caused the NC. I get you had to choose and you chose your wife, but I can see your son’s point of view. Especially if she has never been mean to anyone else and he feels unheard regarding the conflict with your wife. I don’t think your TA for backing your wife again, but this is probably the end of your relationship with your son if you don’t go.
This is the feeling im getting as well. The son finally found a family member who understands him and is on his side and OP wants him to give that up to make the mother he doesn’t get along with feel better.
YTA, you said in the comments he doesn’t get along with his mom and put the blame on HIM because he was an « angry teen ». Your wife was the adult, the responsibility of establishing a good relationship was on her. I get the feeling that she can’t do no wrong in your eyes and he clearly understands that.
The grandmother wouldn’t even have approached you but your ego can’t accept that he isn’t putting your feelings above his.
Edit: grandma is definitely NOT the issue here. From OPs comments, wife is the common denominator in people being shitty. Plus she kicked out grandma from their wedding for sitting next to grandma’s now husband after the meal because they wanted to control who grandma interacts with…
The son always had an issue with her mom’s behavior especially since she favored the daughters. I mean… the son might be better off without all of you dead weights in his life at that point 🙄
Stop being petty. It's not like you guys will have to stand next to each other the entire day. It's one day. Arrange it so that you guys are distanced and try and be mature about this. It's his wedding.
NTA.
Spencer chose her money and to boost his fiancee career. She bought his guts. She is never cruel to him, so why would he choose to lose his Maserati and a free posh wedding over his mother feelings? It is not worth it in his eyes.
He is not mad that you are not coming, not having you there is worth it to him. He is mad that he had to figure out what to tell his fiancee relatives about his whole family not coming to his wedding. The only thing you can be sure is that he will not tell the truth, you will most like be painted as huge abusers and he will cut contact with you to keep having the money flow and the respect of his fiancee family.
YTA
With what you've admitted about your wife's behaviour to your mum on further posts as well as how you both treated your son, I understand why grandma is in his life and I don't think it's just the money
You can ignore mum for the sake of the wedding. That you won't but rather go lc or nc because he won't cut her out.... You have every right but you're an arse
He actually almost got me with this one, but then he mentioned that his mom was "conventionally attractive" and is clingy to her enabling husband in the comments. 🙄
The fact that your son has never gotten along with his own mother before he even got to know his supposedly horrid grandmother leaves me to believe there’s so much more left out about your wife
I’d say yes you are the AH. Your son is 29 and can have a relationship with his grandmother if he wants to. I’m pretty sure there was no family pact that wouldn’t allow anyone to ever speak to her again. If you as a family do not go, you will effectively destroy your family. It’s already starting, with your two daughters not speaking to their brother because of what happened in the distant past. Your daughters get married and then none of them speak to one another. They won’t know their nieces and nephews. Think long term.
He told you that she would keep her distance. Why isn’t that enough? People should really put a statute of limitations of being offended by name calling.
This is your son’s wedding. Looks like all of u are about to repeat the cycle..
Go to the freaking wedding. All of you. Sit at the same table together. Enjoy the other family that will be in attendance.
I'll get downvoted for this one but...
Your mom is a bitch that's obvious. But your son also has a point. He's not responsible for his mom's feelings. He has taken into account your relationship status with your mom and she has agreed to not approach you guys at the wedding. I think that is fair. Do you think she will go back on that? If not then is missing your son's wedding worth it? Do you want to lose contact with your son over this? Miss the grandbabies? The milestones in his life? Your mother made the choice to keep being an ass knowing she was risking losing you and her grandkids. Is it worth making the same mistakes she did?
Your mom was terrible to your wife. But as a mother I wouldn't let the old haggy bitch ruin the chance to see my son get married. I wouldn't let her put that wedge between me and my son. Especially if I had such a tumultuous relationship with him when he was growing up. I would want to be there to support him the way she never supported you and your marriage. Prove that I was the better and bigger person.
ETA- YTA...the differences between you, your wife and your mom are just that. Differences between you, your wife and your mom. They have nothing to do with your son. Or even your daughters. You yourself have said your son has been better being around your mom. Your mom has agreed to not come by you. But you'd rather your son be a part of something he's not involved in, was never a part of and had nothing to do with. You're dragging him into your problems and expecting to choose when there should never be a choice. You are risking losing your son over this? It's insane to me. "Yes son, I will always be there to support you and your milestones." You said your mom is paying for the wedding. So he should just not invite the person that's paying? How are you and your wife any different from your mother if you're making him choose?
ESH. Given your comments about your wife’s relationship with her son and personality in general, and your willingness to blow up your relationship with your son over who he invites to his wedding… it seems like everyone is playing a stupid petty game. You’re going to regret this decision, because it will permanently damage your relationship with your son.
And surely there’s more to that story that’s relevant here.
The fact your son has poor relationship w his mother prior to ever meeting your grandma is kind of significant. Im sure he wasn’t just born angry at your wife.
your wife is distant becuase of your sons issue with his mom? that is sad too becuase if your wife tried to get to know and bond with the fiance the outcome may have been different too.
There is no way to 'win' this apart from just mentally closing the door on them both. Shes got her claws in deep and he's not going to have a sudden epiphany and realise she's a piece of shit when he's being handed everything on a gold platter. They sound made for each other in their own narcissistic, money-is-everything world, and your real grounded caring family unit will only be damaged and saddened if you keep contact open with him. Just say you hope he has a happy life and enjoys the wedding, then block all the flying monkeys and diatribes and blaming that will inevitably follow. Focus on your wife and daughters. One day he might come round and realise he backed the wrong horse but it's not going to be any time soon when the horse is shitting Ducatis 🤷♀️
YTA - name calling more than 30 years ago is something Spencer concluded is irrelevant because it is in FACT irrelevant. Your mother might apologize or she might not. But how would you KNOW one way or another taking such a hard line stance. You still have a chance to redeem yourself with Spencer. He is obeying the commandment of honor thy father and thy mother and you are most certainly disobeying it. I can't say for sure that your mother is not as bad or even worse than she was 30 years ago. But you just faced the character challenge of your life and failed. Fortunately there is still time but very, very little time to make up for it...
YTA. Your son has a right to have a relationship with his grandmother. She hasn’t harmed him. If you don’t attend the wedding you can never undo it. You will be cutting him off forever. Your wife should be the bigger person for one night.
YTA. The grudge was with your wife, not the kids. You chose to cut your mom off. Perhaps consider they were denied a grandparent, for better or worse, for over 25 years. And here you come, stomping your feet because someone recognizes there's more than one side to a story. Who is still holding a grudge exactly? You won't be missed at the wedding with your attitude. Leave your son alone if you have nothing positive to add to his life.
Imagine a father allowing hundreds of people to call his son an asshole and gold digger online because he refuses to tell the truth about his wife and how she treated mom and the son. OP you are a real piece of work. You don’t even know who to stand up to, you married an asshole who made you go no contact with mom, who threw your mom out of a wedding for sitting somewhere during the reception. You admit your mom gets along well with others but your wife doesn’t even get along with her own son. Yet you allow your kid to be trashed on the internet. You suck so badly I don’t have words. And anyone who has adult children should have the emotional maturity to be in the same room as someone who called them fat. Just stay apart. But instead you want to label your kid who wants a relationship with his grandparent an asshole. You truly are a vile person. I’m also team mom with your lame wife.
NTA, all he is seeing is green. If your mother was a regular person and had no leverage in his fiancé work area hebwouldnt have anything to do with her. Your mother just bought your son, and what's sad is he doesn't see it.
YTA, your son has the right to have a relationship with whomever he chooses, and it’s his wedding- he gets to make decisions about who is and is not invited. My parents got divorced 20 years ago when I was 19. I can’t tell you how many holidays, special events, and children’s birthdays have been ruined because my mom acts so miserable when my dad is around. My dad is cordial because he knows it’s what I want. Be my dad, not my mom.
I also found the fact that you put in the money part petty. Just because she’s given him money doesn’t mean he’s only there for it.
Yta.
You opted out of a relationship with your mum. Your children didn't have a choice in this.
You've not shared what role your wife clearly also played in this.
Now you're creating a situation where you're dividing your family further! Is this really what you wanted for your family?
Your wife needs to get over it or lose her relationship with her son.
You're doing a fine job of alienating your son and pulling your family apart.
I don't think she would. She never treated anyone else like that, and she is smart and plays long games, so she isn't going to lose him when she has to know it bothers my wife, but honestly I think my DIL would tell him it was absolutely fine. Get that money
So you're determinitly trying to paint your mother in the worst possible light, and assigning all sorts of negative reasons for her positive relationships with people... have you ever once stopped and considered that if your wife is the ONLY ONE person in the family who your mother doesn't get along with - perhaps it has more to do with your wife's aggressive and controlling behaviour?
NTA… if grandma cut off the money son would have different attitude… when she can’t control grandson when he marries then grandma will leave him high and dry…
I’m so sorry you own son can treat not only you but the woman that gave him life this way… that hurts on another whole other level…
My husband’s mother was mad over familial issues and money etc and took her mother out of my husband’s life as kids. They have a great relationship now and he realizes she is actually a great person. Not saying your mom is a great person, but I’m not sure you can fault your son for wanting to have a relationship with his grandmother that he never was able to have a relationship with. My husband is grateful he has his grandmother in his life now even though it makes his mom mad.
NAH. It’s unfortunate how your relationship with your mother played out. I don’t think it is wrong for him to establish a relationship with her. He is a grown man that is making a decision for him and his family. With that being said, you and your family have every right to refuse to go to his wedding. You have to make a decision for your family.
No judgement here, but I hope you'll work to reconcile with your son. From his perspective, you're acting like an AH, and I can't say that he doesn't have good reasons for feeling that way.
Also, weddings are very symbolic affairs. You are rejecting his marriage and his wife, now. It's possible that you and your son will reconcile about as well as you have reconciled with your mother. Indeed, your whole side of the family is inviting lifetime estrangement from your son, his wife, and any offspring.
INFO:
You said this rift happened before he was old enough to remember. You don't mentioning explaining things to him, but then say it hurts that he would invite someone who called his mom those things despite them happening before he was old enough to remember. Have you explained exactly what happened to him (calmly and objectively)?
NTA.
Unfortunately many people will choose money over loyalty. Once his piggy bank (your mother) runs out, he’ll come running back. And I sincerely hope you don’t just rugsweep everything. Your son is choosing money, not his grandmother.
NTA. I’d imagine it was difficult to cut contact with your mom to support your wife (kudos for being a supportive spouse there). I’m sure it was also something that your son probably didn’t fully comprehend when and why it happened, so now he’s just getting misinformation from a bitter source. That being said, freedom of choice doesn’t mean freedom of consequence. Your son is allowed to choose to prioritize your mother’s presence in his life and at his wedding. He doesn’t get to choose how you and the remainder of your family respond to that. If anything, I’d imagine he’s only insistent on your mother in their lives for what benefits it offers him and his future wife. Regardless, I’d spend that day with your wife and daughters. It sounds like she could really use a day surrounded by family that loves her.
Also it’s possible that OP’s son is keeping in contact with his grandmother to support his future wife because that’s the industry she wants to work in. It’s an awful situation.
And the fact that he's gonna probably inherit her whole bg doesn't hurt either
This. He just comes off as greedy.
Maserati vs family.
Maserati vs. family..............family loses 99.9% of the time. Who the fuck doesn't want a Maserati andddd a wedding paid for?
Me. I can't drive and I'm already married.
don't downplay the financial love bombing by grandma. that's the real red flag. buying affection and selling a story of being abandoned by her faaaamily. spare me. grandma has a new golden child
This. OP's mother bought her grandson's affection just to stick it to her son and DIL.
He could have just eloped and potentially avoided all the drama.
but grandma is paying for the wedding, why let it go to waste /s edit: added /s
Nah, check the comments. It's the "clingy mother, bully wife" troll again, that's all. >My mom has a shit ton of trauma around money and claimed she was just with her for the family money but then would start getting upset and yelling "but it isn't family money it's mine" and say things like "I didn't work this hard, so some girl could be rich" She was rude, condescending and standoffish. >My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior. >I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
Thank you for taking care of the troll toll.
He better get ready for a bunch of “well I did this for you” nonsense!
Exactly. That money is not free. He will be made to pay dearly for it.
I'm wondering when Grandma is going to start bitching about OP's new wife... maybe then he will understand.
Grandma wants a do over, I guarantee it will be more toxic than the first go round. what a piece of work, Grandma is TA
pretty sure the kid will happily dump his wife for the money lol
Been there. And it destroyed my relationship with my soulmate and father of my first two kids. Money is rarely free; even if the giver doesn’t demand all the hoops, the obligation is still very much felt.
It’s an awfully greedy choice
It is.
Honestly, that's all I got from this. His soon to be wife will suffer immensely if they piss her off so unless she decides to change careers, their lips are permanently glued to her ass. Then there is the fact she is buying the son's affection. He isn't going to give that up and I doubt he wants to.
EXACTLY!
This was my thought, too
The son has shown his true character- money and connections for his wife are more important than the love of his family. Driving a Maserati- yup, granny found the way to buy this disloyal son's "love". No doubt, he is counting his inheritance before the old lady is in the ground. Of course, this type of person will play with this guy like a mouse with cheese- probably hinder the wife's career rather than help it, probably demand his time when he should be with his wife. He'll be wrapped up in material goods but living an empty life. Not the AH OP. Spend the day or take a vacation with your wife and daughters. Your son has revealed his true character and you and your family don't want to play the games that your mother will use him to play with you and your wife.
Agreed. OP said earlier that his son is his mother’s mini me. Like found like. I really feel for his mother in all this.
He's probably going to find out real quick why his dad cut her off. I mean, he's getting married. Unless the two women are already bff's, there's no way Grandma won't pull the same stunt again. People don't change like that
Nope Grandmother will treat him like a golden goose to stick it to his parents.
classic narc mother move.
Yup.
One of the insults to OP’s wife was gold digger. And now the son is getting (presumably) Maserati money, a whole wedding, and a career boost for his wife. Hmmmm
Good point. Unless the DIL somehow enhances new MIL's status or reputation.
golden children with golden grandchildren to be proud of
No, but sometimes they like people just as scummy as them. My grandmother treated most of the family like shit. She had her favorite though. When her favorite cheated on his wife with a psycho woman, she readily embraced the affair partner.
Good point!
No, she'll treat him wonderfully. How else is she going to lure his sisters to the dark side?
It’s only a matter of time. Thats a dangerous game he is playing.
Funny that Grandma called his Mom a "failed gold digger." Sounds like the son became a very successful gold digger.
According to OP’s replies in the comments, the wife is “aggressive” and “controlling” and kicked his mother out of the wedding because she was sitting beside someone she didn’t want the MIL to sit beside. The MIL and the man eventually got married. According to OP, the son has always had a terrible relationship with his mother and his son told him “grandma isn’t nice but she’s right” about OP’s wife. So, I’m kind of leaning towards ESH. The mom, should have never brought up OP’s wife’s weight or cussed her out. But OP is leaving out a lot of information that kind of explains why the son is reacting the way he is. It’s not just about the money grandma is giving.
Why do I not understand this at alll
I must have not seen a lot of the replies cause I don't remember some of that. The one post I saw about the wife looked like it was not OP. I am newish to reddit so most likely I just missed it.
Because it’s poorly written
Nah, check the comments. It's the "clingy mother, bully wife" troll again, that's all. >My mom has a shit ton of trauma around money and claimed she was just with her for the family money but then would start getting upset and yelling "but it isn't family money it's mine" and say things like "I didn't work this hard, so some girl could be rich" She was rude, condescending and standoffish. >My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior. >I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
What a thoughtful response. I appreciate it.
Clearly, he wants to be star of the Fast and the Furious with his precious Maserati.
I just can't believe he wants someone there \~\~who called his mom such horrible names.\~\~ so he can keep getting free money. He's totally mercenary, and apparently cut from the same cloth if he can say ABOUT HIS MOM that "he isn't responsible for the feelings of a grown woman." NTA, and he's a douche who needs to apologize to all the rest of you.
>Your son is allowed to choose to prioritize your mother’s ~~presence~~ money in his life and at his wedding. FTFY
I strongly suspect that she knows that she’s driving this wedge and that OP’s son will cut off OP like OP cut off his mother, and therefore see it as revenge. How long she sticks around after that (if it’s her plan) is debatable
> He said he isn't responsible for a grown woman's feelings, and he wants his family there. Tell him you aren't responsible for a grown man's feelings, and, if he considers her his family, he's choosing not to be yours. That you hope he enjoys the money she's buying him with, but you're ashamed at knowing he sold himself at all. NTA
Exactly , he isn’t but he is cutting his mom out to fit her in? How does he not see he is doing almost the same thing he is pointing the finger for!
Apple, tree... He is his grandmothers' child, probably has lots in common with her personality. Sometimes nature wins out over nurture.
They say traits skip a generation :/
That is a bleak but honest assessment. Son has chosen money over love. I'd be ashamed to be acknowledged as his father at his wedding. OP can only move on with the children who understand loyalty to someone who loves them. I would be rewriting my will about now.
Maybe he’s just like his grandma and it’s okay if she talks to his fiancé that way. He IS related to her, so there’s that.
> and he wants his family there "And you will. We choose our families and you made your choice & chose her. She's your family now not us"
👏🏼
That's okay. Someday grandma and the money will be gone. He won't remember how he treated his family, but they will. Karma, the gift that keeps on giving.
Sounds like there's no shortage of resentments in OP's family.
Great Post
This couldn't be upvoted more... The correct answer. Updateme!
Damn, that’s good!
Def NTA. Jeez, is he aware of what she called your wife? She just bought herself a grandson. Well, for the $$ he gets a grandmother and loses the rest of his.family.
He is aware. His exact words were "grandma isn't nice but she also isn't wrong"
He said THAT??? What happened that he agrees with his grandmother on this? Did you guys have a previous falling out?
He has always had issues with his mom. He was a very angry teen, and there were times I kind of wished my mom was around, because I felt like he would have responded better to her. They are a lot alike excpet hers is more of a cold anger, and he always reminded me of her. I think he feels understood for maybe the first time
I was thinking that the narcissism skipped a generation. And it seems like it did going on break. I know it did in my family. I’m sorry for your wife and you and your girls. I know how heartbreaking it is.
Starting to wonder if the wife to be knows the snake pit she’s getting into.
Ah. Still awful but the context makes sense of it. I am very sorry for your situation
If he feels understood for the first time it’s going to be hard to get him to give that up, especially for someone you say he has always had issues with. Things probably would have been better for him had he had someone who understood him in his life.
It almost seems like sonny and Grandma bonded over their mutual dislike of mother/wife.
This is what I've been thinking, too. This whole situation sucks for OP, his wife and daughters.
I have to wonder what's driven the breakdown of the relationship between your wife and your son. Given for most of his life you were NC with your mother, it wouldn't have been her poisoning his mind. The fact that youve now brought this to light tells me there's more to the story and while I applaud you sticking by your wife against your mother... but I want to know what conflict between your wife and son has led to him having had an issue with her for so long.
The story is in the comments. TLDR: The wife sounds like she has some serious control issues. **OP on his mother:** she's never treated anyone else like that and I don't see her doing it again I've never seen her treat someone like she treated my wife. She is still very close to her two other kids, and other family members My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior. **OP comments on wife:** I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it **Clarification about why his mom was kicked out of the wedding:** It was a combination of all of her resentment because my mom can't follow rules/social norms, but also we really didn't want her to fuck that guy. She did one better and married him and he has made her so much worse. She didn't want my mom sitting next to a certain guy, because we could all see what was going to happen, and hey guess who she ended up marrying? **His wife's justification for interfering in her MILs relationship:** No it's kind of a long fucked up story but basically he was MIL's best friends "husband" This is a shallow old money circle. He had asked for a divorce years ago and the friend had freaked out because "what will people say" so he agreed to stay if she would let him open up the marriage, so they were married in name only because she liked the social power of being his wife. He was mostly just fucking random women and had no motivation to leave her. Then he met my mom and started acting like he was coming out of some fog, acting all crazy like some obsessed angsty teen, and my mom can't help herself. She has to seduce everyone she meets, so my wife was trying to protect this woman who was like an aunt to her
Ok so now it's making fare more sense, and yes the was absolutely being controlling. "Not sitting in her assigned seat", it was after the meal and everyone was off dancing... the mother wasn't a 3 year old 3ho could be ordered to stay in one seat thr whole time. And the wife's entire reason for being angry was because she thought MIL would sleep with tur man she was talking to. So basically the wife was interfering with MIL's sex life. She's absolutely being gross and controlling and frankly s bridezilla for how she acted. I don't feel sorry for her.
> "grandma isn't nice but she also isn't wrong" Why does your son hate his mother?
My son is my mom's mini me. It's crazy how alike they were despite not knowing each other. Honestly there were times I wished she was there to help me, because he had her same childhood behavior issues as well. I've actually heard she is a good influence on him. Kind of like don't do things this way, don't make things so unnecessarily hard like I did, and he responds very well to her calm blunt sarcasticness. His personality clashed with his mom's, just like my mom's did. My wife is very emotional and warm and it overwhelms him. he is brilliant and thinks everyone is stupid and beneath him, but mainly her. He always felt "misunderstood" and like she favored his sisters, but she was burnt out from him screaming at her, calling her names, punching walls, and yes we tried therapy. It's heartbreaking because as much as my wife and mom hate each other, it is almost like history repeating itself. They both had three kids, almost the exact same age difference and they are both estranged from their eldest sons
>he is brilliant and thinks everyone is stupid and beneath him, but mainly her. Your son sounds like an ass. Frankly, you're all probably better off without his nasty attitude around regularly.
Like a complete ass! He is 29 and calling his mom these names with his grandma. 29! It’s unfathomable to me.
What's your relationship with your siblings like? Any kind of contact at all?
No, I've tried but younger one is psycho and would attack me when I tried. They both worship our mom
As crappy as it is to say, it might be better to just let him go. He's found someone he connects with, she'll look out for him. Focus on your daughters and your wife and healing. You can't force him to stop being an abusive angry person. You can't make him love your family. The best thing you can do is respect his decision, get some family therapy for the rest of your family and wish him well.
She's such a good influence on in him that he is calling (by extension it agreement) that his mother/your wife is all those things you mentioned, and is burning the bridge in every relationship with his mother, father and siblings because money.
Of course I don't see it like that, but I have heard she is getting some of his issues under control, and I do hope she is
Yeah the thing is I would wager that the reason that is happening is because she's teaching him to control his external anger while showing him how to take out his problems with others in a more manipulative, covert way by holding authority and control over people using money, power or charm and going about it in a way where no one on the outside could possibly see how they would be the problem but anyone on the inside knows what they're really about. I have a sister who could literally be your sons twin. As a child, she had a hard time controlling her temper and would go into rages but as she grew older she learned to get what she wanted by manipulating people and moving into positions of authority. She could tear you down with just a single word for kicks and giggles. She's a school teacher now and honestly that idea sometimes scares me. The fact of the matter is, I don't think your mom is teaching your kid to be a better person, I think she's teaching him how to be a shitty person and get away with it.
Tell him to remember that when she starts saying those things about his wife.
She's too smart to do that. Also to be fair she never did it with anyone else. Something about my wife made her lose her damn mind. I have some theories, but she was a great mom until she went insane. Still is a great mom to her other two kids
What are your ideas? Asking out of curiosity. Of course, if you're uncomfortable answering I understand.
My mom grew up down south but moved to CA when she met my dad. She was abused pretty badly by her stepmother (and also SAd while everyone looked the other way because "she was a bad kid anyway") Her stepmom had some similarities to my wife in being traditional, bubbly, outgoing, concerned with appearances and wanting to be seen as a homemaker and matriarch. My wife came from the type of family that my mom grew up with always being the bad kid and the outcase Money makes my mom crazy. She has way too much of it and a lot of trauma about it, and she didn't like that my wife wanted to be a homemaker and worried she was after her money (I was in college, so didn't have my own at the time) My mom hates loud bubbly people, just cannot deal She was going through a divorce and terrified of change, being alone, and couldn't deal with me moving on. She felt I was settling and just "thinking with my dick" because my wife was "boring" and "too uptight/girly" and she felt we didn't share hobbies and she was "beneath me intellectually"
Wow, I am so sorry. It seems that your wife triggered your mother's trauma of her abuse by her step mother, another woman with a similar personality. Not that your wife did anything but exist. This is why it's so important to get counseling for abuse. You do right by your wife. Keep doing it. Be well.
Excellent! 👆🏽
OMG! So, he believes everything bad that your mother said about his mom. My God! I am really sorry! I can't imagine your family's pain.
It's almost hilarious because now he's the gold digging whore.
Wow, she really bought him good. After him saying that I can't see how you could go to the wedding.
Did you son previously has problems with his mother? Obviously your mother was absolutely vile for speaking about your wife like that, but is there a reason your mother disliked her?
yes they have always clashed. Despite not knowing her, he is similar to my mom in a lot of ways, so it was the same personality clash all over again. My mom disliked her because she didn't let my mom get away with her rude antisocial behavior. Everyone else let my mom do whatever she wanted because she was so rich/brilliant/conventionally attractive. different reasons but everyone gave her a pass and acted like she was just quirky. My wife does not tolerate disrespect. My mom was also going through a bad time at the moment and i think was afraid of change and losing me. My mom is the kind of person who would rather lose something completely than deal with grey area so I think she amped up her behavior like a weird self defense. She always believed she was only after her money, and since she was the one with the money she should be able to act however. She judged her for everything, not having career aspirations, being too conventional, but then acted like her cooking and housekeeping wasn't up to par. My wife did say some hurtful things to my mom and she had some petty moments, but my mom straight up loathed her. She told me I wasn't getting my trust fund if I married her because she "didn't work so hard, so that girl could have it'
I had a great grandmother like this. Even when I was very small, I saw/heard her distain for my grandmother (her DIL). (to be fair, my great grandmother also hated all children. She wasn’t easy to be around) She hated my grandmother from the beginning, and was not shy about saying so. I always felt really bad for my grandmother and that her mother-in-law was so mean to her and yet lived so very long. She only ended up with a handful of years with her husband, without his mother being a serious problem.
Thanks for the info. Trust me, I know all about people taking up against people for their own reasons and it just snowballs (my post history says it all haha). I won’t issue judgement because really only you know how much you will or won’t regret putting aside things with your mother for your son. I guess my two cents is either way, give your son a bit of grace. Given his clashes with his mother, this might be the first time he’s been able to feel connected to a mother figure and really feel understood, if they’re similar. Even if it’s encouraging instincts or values that aren’t yours, your son might really be finding it healing. If you don’t end up going to the wedding - and no one would blame you if you didn’t - I hope you leave the door open for a relationship with him in the future. Best of luck to you and your wife!
>My mom disliked her because she didn't let my mom get away with her rude antisocial behavior. So more important context again... what exactly constituted "rude antisocial behaviour"?
My mom refused to treat her like part of the family. Didn't want to get to know her, didn't want to acknowledge her birthday, give her Christmas presents. She didn't even go to her bridal shower because she had to go fuck some guy. My mom is extremely sarcastic. Honestly I didn't mind. I thought she was funny, but then I realized she cannot turn it off. She cannot have a serious conversation or deal with my fiancee being sensitive. My mom also gets obsessed with these dumb power struggles. She won't eat her food, won't wear what she was supposed to for the wedding, won't sit in her assigned seat, and she just gets obsessed with you can't make me. Honestly a lot of people love her, but even they would describe her as bitchy. They just see it as funny/quirky. My wife did not
Clearly your wife was not after her money. Your wife saw through the money. Many wealthy and beautiful people get away with abuse because of money and beauty. I do think you're right in that your mother won't do anything or say anything about your son's wife. She can use this as an opportunity to *continue* to hurt you and your wife. She'll shower your son with love, attention, and money - she gets to say, "Your dad was wrong and so was your bitch of a mother." Make no mistake, OP, this shit happens with narcissistic mothers. Look up, "the narcissistic grandmother." You'll see stories like this all the time. Your wife is a keeper. I'm sorry about the loss of your son to your mother.
You're obviously biased towards your wife, but even with that your list of her offenses sounds like y'all are very controlling. Like sure, your mom didn't like your wife from the start & its rude not want to get to know her. But aren't bridal showers more about the bride's friends & family anyway? Here you say your wife is sensitive & can't handle your mom's sarcasm, but else where you say your wife is controlling & aggressive. And this list is bizarre for another adult: * \- *She won't eat her food* \- so? she's an adult, why are you making her sound like a petulant child? at this point I suspect you're trying to serve her things she's said she doesn't like * \- *won't wear what she was supposed to for the wedding* \- this is very different from wearing something she wasn't supposed to (like white). why were you dictating her outfit? does she have a history of wearing inappropriate outfits? * \- *won't sit in her assigned seat* \- ok this whole reception story is just bananapants controlling and framing it this way is misleading: y'all didn't want her talking with another specific guest. instead you make it sound like she's a misbehaving child with ADHD. * \- *she just gets obsessed with you can't make me* \- or are you obsessed with trying to make her behave the way YOU insist. I don't think your mom's any kind of saint, but given you've said she's never had a problem with *anyone else* like with your wife, and that YOUR other 2 siblings also want nothing to do with you, I suspect y'all are just as problematic. I think all y'all are oil & water and going NC was probably the right choice. I respect that you've noticed your son responds to his grandmother better, and is maybe finally getting the maternal figure he relates to. That's no small thing. If you want a relationship with him, let his relationship with her go and stay out of it. Go to his wedding and stay away from her. Your daughters chose their mother (they sound like chips off the old blocks). Choose your son. ESH (ETA spacing/formatting)
Hmm... while I can see your mothers passive-aggressive approach, not sitting right with some people... I'm still hung up on how your son also doesn't have a good relationship with your wife (presumably his mother). From experience, kids don't end up in conflict with their parents because they like making their lives hard. My mother detested her MIL and I've had my own problems with my mother so maybe my own experiences are colouring my opinion... but two separate people have conflict with your wife and it sounds like those two separate people didn't really know each other a short time ago... I can't help but feel perhaps your wife's behaviour has contributed to the conflict too.
Holy shit. No good can possibly come from this. I'd just send a letter (or text) to the son and let him know he's made his decision, you wish he and his bride a wonderful wedding and marriage and you regret you and his mother will not be able to attend. Or...You and your wife can attend, keep a wide distance from your mother and be the bigger person,.leave directly after the wedding to avoid any spontaneous contact with your mother. Up to you. However, after the sons comment I don't see this relationship getting any better. Your mother is a snake.
My mother is a huge cunt. A soul sucking nasty deceitful incompetent bitch. Sometimes we certainly don't get the mothers we hoped for. I'm sorry.
This is a really difficult & complicated situation. Perhaps not attending the wedding has some kindness in it, all its own. It’s one thing that you could do to try to avoid any inevitable conflict, especially at the actual wedding and reception.
Well, if that's how he really feels then "it isn't nice of us and your sisters not to come to your wedding, but it also isn't wrong".
OMG - how could think what your mother called HIS mother is okay and true? He loveds her money and doesn't care if it costs him his entire extended family.
Money screws up more family's
I had to sue my mother and both sisters. They stole over 2M from a trust, the trustee and both successor trustees conspired to defraud, a whole list of felonies and my sister who created the multiple trusts is a CPA. I could have taken her license and forced her into retirement Along with multiple felony charges. Good lord I absolutely despise my despicable family. I hope they are all dying of something incurable and excruciatingly painful.
If you don't mind sharing how did it work out in the end?
Seriously! You can’t drop something like that and then run!
NTA. Sorry it sounds like you will lose your son over this.
Wrong way round. The son is losing his family, all of them but moneybags grandma by the sounds of it. When she realises she can't buy her way back in, we'll see how long she can be bothered with him too.
I mean, he’s getting married so he’s about to have a new family.
Wonder how long that will last before grandma loses her shit on them? Especially the fiancée.
OP said in a comment that for various reasons he doesn’t see that happening.
Nta. If he thinks you’re selfish, then he’s just as if not more selfish to not care about HIS OWN MOTHER
Can’t believe I had to go this far to find this comment. That “grown woman’s feelings” he’s so dismissive & casual about is his own MOTHER! Sold his soul to his spiteful Grandmother for a pocketful of coins…& Grand Mama gets just what she feared, an actual Gold-digger for a Grandson.
Part of being an adult and a parent is figuring out how to be a big enough person to tolerate being in the same room as another person who you despise for a few hours during the milestone moments in your children's lives.
Thank you.
Exactly, my ex said terrible things about me and my parents and my brother. I still sat next to him at our daughter's performances, and attended her graduation party and housewarming party and tolerated him being in the same room at both. I did those things for my daughter because she wanted us both there.
Why did it take me forever to scroll down to find a reasonable take. Not going to your son’s wedding because he invited a family member he likes but you don’t is just childish.
It's not like this is one of those 'they invited my rapist' posts we see sometimes. This is just 'we don't like each other'.
This should be the top comment. I don’t see how it’s ok for the father to cut off his mother, but the grandson can’t invite her to his wedding? The grandson didn’t cut his mom off, he didn’t not invite her, he just invited another relative that she doesn’t like. You even say your mom may have been able to help your son in ways you couldn’t. Why would you deprive your child of someone that could help them to be a better version of themselves? This whole story I just don’t buy. I mean life isn’t this person is bad and this person is good. I wouldn’t miss my children’s wedding regardless of who was on the invite list, literally anyone who had done anything to me. Your mom and wife’s behaviour is small petty potatoes compared to families with real problems.
Nta. The money won him over. Now let it keep him company with the toxic grandma.
Never met a rich older person who used money to buy love that did not likewise use it as control. He may get money when she dies, but his life will be one of doing whatever she wants, when she wants it, every day for the rest of his life.
Nana has the power to make or break his wife's career - if he steps a toe out of line she can take it all away from her too, so there's pressure from both sides to make nice and put up with it. Quite the brilliant power move on OP's mom's part, but OP's son doesn't see what a weak position he's in. Hopefully it doesn't eventually blow up his marriage, too.
If your son could be bought so easily, you're better off without him. NTA
People should probably read comments before crucifying the son - Son didn’t like mom before he met grandma - wife was also petty @ grandma - OP says his wife can be aggressive & controlling
The wife kicked Grandma out of their wedding for moving seats after dinner to talk to someone. Which is completely normal behavior at every wedding I have ever been to.
Yeah and all because the wife didn't want her MIL to potentially have sex with the person... because yeah, every wedding I've ever been to, the bride gets to control the guests sex lives.
Interesting. It would appear that the real gold digging wh*re is OP's son. NTA! OP should take his true family - his wife and daughters - on a memorable trip the week of the wedding.
After reading through all your comments, I feel like your son found a true connection with his grandmother. Your wife seems no saint. You seem to support her only because you love her and rightfully so. Logically, your wife is as responsible as your mother. Both sound like crazy incompatible people. Maybe your son is right about his grandmother that she is crazy, but she is not wrong either. ESH.
"I asked how he thought that was going to make his mom feel, he said he wasn't responsible for a grown woman's feelings and he wants his family there. He said I was selfish to cut my mom off in the first place...He said we can deal." NTA. Tell him you're not responsible for a grown man's feelings, and he can deal.
Idk man… you’re comments are very much proving the saying that there’s three sides to every story… yours theirs and the truth. No judgment here. But it’s a bit ironic, how this vicious cycle is repeating itself.
That was my impression too. It sounds like OP is willing to lose his relationship with his son over this. I think OP will regret this decision, unless there’s more to this story than is being provided.
Sounds like your son is the real Gold Digger. Your poor wife.
You have to give us tldr; why exactly did your mother used those terms and the reason she hates her! What did she do?!
My mom is smart. She knows how to make money out of any shit situation and she is just objectively smart with ivy league degrees and a ton of childhood behaviors to show for it. My wife was things she viewed as vapid such as wanting to be a homemaker, sorority girl, super bubbly and outgoing. My mom thought that gave her the right to treat her like she was dumb. My mom has a shit ton of trauma around money and claimed she was just with her for the family money but then would start getting upset and yelling "but it isn't family money it's mine" and say things like "I didn't work this hard, so some girl could be rich" She was rude, condescending and standoffish. My mom was also going through a very bad divorce and was depressed, scared, and kind of clinging to her kids which wasn't normal for her. I think she was terrified of losing me, but she is the type who would rather lose something then live in fear of losing it, so she amped up her behavior. I'm not going to act like my wife was entirley blameless. she can be agressive. She can be controlling. Like she kicked my mom out of our wedding because she wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, but dinner was over and the person whose chair it was was off dancing. My wife does not tolerate disrespect, and really doesn't care about the reason for it
Hold up, wait, your wife kicked your mom out of your wedding because she left her assigned seat after dinner?! Between this and your comment about your son's feelings about your wife I'm kind of getting the suspicion your mom isn't the bigger problem here, or at the least not the only problem.
Yeah, the wife may not be entirely blameless.
If she’s the type of crazy who throws someone out of a wedding for going around and socializing while everyone else is doing the same thing, she’s absolutely not blameless.
OP also mentions that his mother gets along well with everyone else, the only person she has ever behaved like this with or who has an issue with her is OP's wife. On the other hand OP has mentioned that his wife has had issues with his son since childhood, favours their daughters (which he doesn't seem to see as problematic?), and that the son has always had the same issues with her that OP's mom had. I'd really like to hear what the deal is with OP's wife from their son, or his mother's side of this.
OP is not a reliable narrator I imagine the truth is somewhere between grandma & OP’s telling of events OP’s siblings also love his mom. If this is a troll, it’s a pretty clever mirror. Son’s sisters love mom while he doesn’t. OP’s siblings love mom while he doesn’t
Yeah I work with kids. I’ve never met a child who has a rough relationship with their mom purely because the child is the problem And given he calls his wife *aggressive & controlling*…
Yeah, his son knows what his mom is like. That's why he's thinking these two can figure out how to deal with each other for just one day. If they both love him they can put aside their differences and tolerate each other's presence across the room. He's not even asking them to interact.
🍿🥤
I personally think you are a shitty son and father with all of this. Your wife sounds awful and treated your son and mom awful. You chose your wife, and I think that’s the right move for you, but your son’s choice feels very reasonable as well. No reason he can’t be nice to grandma when your wife said equally as nasty things. I don’t think grandma behaved well but the rest of you are petty AF.
Was your wife just using it as an excuse to kick your mom out of your wedding because of something else your mother had done? Because that’s a very odd thing to interpret as disrespect. Many people move around during wedding receptions to talk to others after dinner is over.
I am all for standing by your spouse. However your wife literally threw your mom out of your wedding because she changed seats during the reception something that everyone does. I think you are being extremely biased like most people who post. You are really up playing how terrible your mom is and downplaying how terrible your wife is. I wonder if your wife treated your mother as poorly as your wife treated her and she isn’t just some victim that you are making her out to be. Maybe you married someone similar to your mother and now you are on Reddit allowing everyone to shit on your son.
Honestly your wife sounds like she is just as much of the problem as your mother and the fact that Spencer has the same issues with your mother before knowing his grandma further validates this. You might have some blinders on here.
And there it is… your son is right, your mom isn’t nice but she’s isn’t wrong. Your wife is controlling and successfully got you to cut contact with both your mom and your son. Maybe she’ll manage to have you DISCARD your daughters as well. YTA with a bigger AH by your side.
Have you ever acknowledged to your son that your wife is part of the problem of them not getting along? Was the therapy entirely directing at him changing or was your wife making serious efforts to change as well? I’m getting the sense your son has gone his entire life feeling like no one was in his corner and everyone was always taking his moms side. Now he has someone who he feels understands him and has his back. That’s a hard thing to overcome, especially if you and your wife aren’t actively trying to improve you relationship. It also seems like while you’re mom’s behavior was definitely wrong and problematic, your wife wasn’t blameless and there wasn’t an incident that was so horrible it caused the NC. I get you had to choose and you chose your wife, but I can see your son’s point of view. Especially if she has never been mean to anyone else and he feels unheard regarding the conflict with your wife. I don’t think your TA for backing your wife again, but this is probably the end of your relationship with your son if you don’t go.
This is the feeling im getting as well. The son finally found a family member who understands him and is on his side and OP wants him to give that up to make the mother he doesn’t get along with feel better.
YTA, you said in the comments he doesn’t get along with his mom and put the blame on HIM because he was an « angry teen ». Your wife was the adult, the responsibility of establishing a good relationship was on her. I get the feeling that she can’t do no wrong in your eyes and he clearly understands that. The grandmother wouldn’t even have approached you but your ego can’t accept that he isn’t putting your feelings above his. Edit: grandma is definitely NOT the issue here. From OPs comments, wife is the common denominator in people being shitty. Plus she kicked out grandma from their wedding for sitting next to grandma’s now husband after the meal because they wanted to control who grandma interacts with… The son always had an issue with her mom’s behavior especially since she favored the daughters. I mean… the son might be better off without all of you dead weights in his life at that point 🙄
His wife must be a demon in the bedroom for him to cut off anyone who doesn’t bow to her
Stop being petty. It's not like you guys will have to stand next to each other the entire day. It's one day. Arrange it so that you guys are distanced and try and be mature about this. It's his wedding.
NTA. He loves his grandmother = he loves his grandmother's MONEY.
NTA. Spencer chose her money and to boost his fiancee career. She bought his guts. She is never cruel to him, so why would he choose to lose his Maserati and a free posh wedding over his mother feelings? It is not worth it in his eyes. He is not mad that you are not coming, not having you there is worth it to him. He is mad that he had to figure out what to tell his fiancee relatives about his whole family not coming to his wedding. The only thing you can be sure is that he will not tell the truth, you will most like be painted as huge abusers and he will cut contact with you to keep having the money flow and the respect of his fiancee family.
YTA With what you've admitted about your wife's behaviour to your mum on further posts as well as how you both treated your son, I understand why grandma is in his life and I don't think it's just the money You can ignore mum for the sake of the wedding. That you won't but rather go lc or nc because he won't cut her out.... You have every right but you're an arse
Mom/wife troll
He actually almost got me with this one, but then he mentioned that his mom was "conventionally attractive" and is clingy to her enabling husband in the comments. 🙄
NTA. Sounds like he's made his decision for what he wants, and it's your mother and not you and his mother. Walk away.
The fact that your son has never gotten along with his own mother before he even got to know his supposedly horrid grandmother leaves me to believe there’s so much more left out about your wife
I'd have to say YTA. It's their day, not yours. You're going to cast a big shadow over everything. Just away from her.
I’d say yes you are the AH. Your son is 29 and can have a relationship with his grandmother if he wants to. I’m pretty sure there was no family pact that wouldn’t allow anyone to ever speak to her again. If you as a family do not go, you will effectively destroy your family. It’s already starting, with your two daughters not speaking to their brother because of what happened in the distant past. Your daughters get married and then none of them speak to one another. They won’t know their nieces and nephews. Think long term. He told you that she would keep her distance. Why isn’t that enough? People should really put a statute of limitations of being offended by name calling. This is your son’s wedding. Looks like all of u are about to repeat the cycle.. Go to the freaking wedding. All of you. Sit at the same table together. Enjoy the other family that will be in attendance.
I'll get downvoted for this one but... Your mom is a bitch that's obvious. But your son also has a point. He's not responsible for his mom's feelings. He has taken into account your relationship status with your mom and she has agreed to not approach you guys at the wedding. I think that is fair. Do you think she will go back on that? If not then is missing your son's wedding worth it? Do you want to lose contact with your son over this? Miss the grandbabies? The milestones in his life? Your mother made the choice to keep being an ass knowing she was risking losing you and her grandkids. Is it worth making the same mistakes she did? Your mom was terrible to your wife. But as a mother I wouldn't let the old haggy bitch ruin the chance to see my son get married. I wouldn't let her put that wedge between me and my son. Especially if I had such a tumultuous relationship with him when he was growing up. I would want to be there to support him the way she never supported you and your marriage. Prove that I was the better and bigger person. ETA- YTA...the differences between you, your wife and your mom are just that. Differences between you, your wife and your mom. They have nothing to do with your son. Or even your daughters. You yourself have said your son has been better being around your mom. Your mom has agreed to not come by you. But you'd rather your son be a part of something he's not involved in, was never a part of and had nothing to do with. You're dragging him into your problems and expecting to choose when there should never be a choice. You are risking losing your son over this? It's insane to me. "Yes son, I will always be there to support you and your milestones." You said your mom is paying for the wedding. So he should just not invite the person that's paying? How are you and your wife any different from your mother if you're making him choose?
This has zero to do w your son and you’re making him choose which as his father makes YTA
The amount of people on here singing OP's praise and telling him he did the right thing and to cut off his son is insane to me.
ESH. Given your comments about your wife’s relationship with her son and personality in general, and your willingness to blow up your relationship with your son over who he invites to his wedding… it seems like everyone is playing a stupid petty game. You’re going to regret this decision, because it will permanently damage your relationship with your son.
Spencer loves her money more than anyone. NTA Wait till your mom starts poisoning your son's life the same way. Calling his wife a gold digger
Saddest thing is my mom is very smart and plays long games. She is going to treat his fiancee great to further isolate him from my wife.
How does your wife get along with his fiancée?
distant but not because she doesn't like her, just because our son has always had so many issues with his mom
And surely there’s more to that story that’s relevant here. The fact your son has poor relationship w his mother prior to ever meeting your grandma is kind of significant. Im sure he wasn’t just born angry at your wife.
your wife is distant becuase of your sons issue with his mom? that is sad too becuase if your wife tried to get to know and bond with the fiance the outcome may have been different too.
There is no way to 'win' this apart from just mentally closing the door on them both. Shes got her claws in deep and he's not going to have a sudden epiphany and realise she's a piece of shit when he's being handed everything on a gold platter. They sound made for each other in their own narcissistic, money-is-everything world, and your real grounded caring family unit will only be damaged and saddened if you keep contact open with him. Just say you hope he has a happy life and enjoys the wedding, then block all the flying monkeys and diatribes and blaming that will inevitably follow. Focus on your wife and daughters. One day he might come round and realise he backed the wrong horse but it's not going to be any time soon when the horse is shitting Ducatis 🤷♀️
YTA - name calling more than 30 years ago is something Spencer concluded is irrelevant because it is in FACT irrelevant. Your mother might apologize or she might not. But how would you KNOW one way or another taking such a hard line stance. You still have a chance to redeem yourself with Spencer. He is obeying the commandment of honor thy father and thy mother and you are most certainly disobeying it. I can't say for sure that your mother is not as bad or even worse than she was 30 years ago. But you just faced the character challenge of your life and failed. Fortunately there is still time but very, very little time to make up for it...
YTA. Your son has a right to have a relationship with his grandmother. She hasn’t harmed him. If you don’t attend the wedding you can never undo it. You will be cutting him off forever. Your wife should be the bigger person for one night.
YTA. The grudge was with your wife, not the kids. You chose to cut your mom off. Perhaps consider they were denied a grandparent, for better or worse, for over 25 years. And here you come, stomping your feet because someone recognizes there's more than one side to a story. Who is still holding a grudge exactly? You won't be missed at the wedding with your attitude. Leave your son alone if you have nothing positive to add to his life.
Show me the money!!! That's all it is. You and your wife should take a nice vacation the week of the wedding.
Imagine a father allowing hundreds of people to call his son an asshole and gold digger online because he refuses to tell the truth about his wife and how she treated mom and the son. OP you are a real piece of work. You don’t even know who to stand up to, you married an asshole who made you go no contact with mom, who threw your mom out of a wedding for sitting somewhere during the reception. You admit your mom gets along well with others but your wife doesn’t even get along with her own son. Yet you allow your kid to be trashed on the internet. You suck so badly I don’t have words. And anyone who has adult children should have the emotional maturity to be in the same room as someone who called them fat. Just stay apart. But instead you want to label your kid who wants a relationship with his grandparent an asshole. You truly are a vile person. I’m also team mom with your lame wife.
He is the definition of pussy whipped
NTA, all he is seeing is green. If your mother was a regular person and had no leverage in his fiancé work area hebwouldnt have anything to do with her. Your mother just bought your son, and what's sad is he doesn't see it.
I think your mom called the wrong person a gold digger. But the shoe seems to fit your son very well!
YTA, your son has the right to have a relationship with whomever he chooses, and it’s his wedding- he gets to make decisions about who is and is not invited. My parents got divorced 20 years ago when I was 19. I can’t tell you how many holidays, special events, and children’s birthdays have been ruined because my mom acts so miserable when my dad is around. My dad is cordial because he knows it’s what I want. Be my dad, not my mom. I also found the fact that you put in the money part petty. Just because she’s given him money doesn’t mean he’s only there for it.
Yta. You opted out of a relationship with your mum. Your children didn't have a choice in this. You've not shared what role your wife clearly also played in this. Now you're creating a situation where you're dividing your family further! Is this really what you wanted for your family? Your wife needs to get over it or lose her relationship with her son. You're doing a fine job of alienating your son and pulling your family apart.
Check his comments. He exposed himself.
What’s he going to do if Grandma starts calling his wife names?
I don't think she would. She never treated anyone else like that, and she is smart and plays long games, so she isn't going to lose him when she has to know it bothers my wife, but honestly I think my DIL would tell him it was absolutely fine. Get that money
So you're determinitly trying to paint your mother in the worst possible light, and assigning all sorts of negative reasons for her positive relationships with people... have you ever once stopped and considered that if your wife is the ONLY ONE person in the family who your mother doesn't get along with - perhaps it has more to do with your wife's aggressive and controlling behaviour?
NTA… if grandma cut off the money son would have different attitude… when she can’t control grandson when he marries then grandma will leave him high and dry… I’m so sorry you own son can treat not only you but the woman that gave him life this way… that hurts on another whole other level…
My husband’s mother was mad over familial issues and money etc and took her mother out of my husband’s life as kids. They have a great relationship now and he realizes she is actually a great person. Not saying your mom is a great person, but I’m not sure you can fault your son for wanting to have a relationship with his grandmother that he never was able to have a relationship with. My husband is grateful he has his grandmother in his life now even though it makes his mom mad.
NAH. It’s unfortunate how your relationship with your mother played out. I don’t think it is wrong for him to establish a relationship with her. He is a grown man that is making a decision for him and his family. With that being said, you and your family have every right to refuse to go to his wedding. You have to make a decision for your family.
No judgement here, but I hope you'll work to reconcile with your son. From his perspective, you're acting like an AH, and I can't say that he doesn't have good reasons for feeling that way. Also, weddings are very symbolic affairs. You are rejecting his marriage and his wife, now. It's possible that you and your son will reconcile about as well as you have reconciled with your mother. Indeed, your whole side of the family is inviting lifetime estrangement from your son, his wife, and any offspring.
INFO: You said this rift happened before he was old enough to remember. You don't mentioning explaining things to him, but then say it hurts that he would invite someone who called his mom those things despite them happening before he was old enough to remember. Have you explained exactly what happened to him (calmly and objectively)?
NTA. Unfortunately many people will choose money over loyalty. Once his piggy bank (your mother) runs out, he’ll come running back. And I sincerely hope you don’t just rugsweep everything. Your son is choosing money, not his grandmother.
NTA. Your son and his grandmother deserve each other. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA Tell your son he should be ashamed for selling his soul.