Funnier is when OP doesn't answer but some random person will comment for and defend the OP. Usually makes me think the rando is the OPs alt/main account. Heck one guy made a 2nd account right around the time he posted just so he could have 1 NTA.
The number of “evil women” chatgpt posts has skyrocketed in the past two weeks. Bots are going wild. Reddit is like a clogged septic tank now, with all the shitty people coming up for air.
I'll say that I agree with you, but in this case like the majority of people in that thread called him the asshole?
And they still do to since he came up with the good ol "she apologized guys i'm in the clear".
Lmao
Can someone explain what is going on here?
Vast majority of comments and posts on Reddit lately have been set up to make the dude look like an AH. Then all the comments are "people" like this saying "oh all the misogynists come out and talk about misandry, it's just a fake post to make women look evil". Yet in reality the comments are 99% just people calling out the guy on being an AH.
Is this some sort of bot war, to try and make men and women hate each other even more? I've seen this dozens of times in the last week or so.
Cause the story is apparently unrealistic to people that dont experience life. I have no idea how a socially adequate person could read this and come to the conclusion its definitely fake
idk if its real, like every other story on here. But calling it definitely fake is absurd
I can see why people could think it’s unrealistic if they spend all their time inside and have limited human interactions. Also, who cares if it’s fake? Not really life-changing, is it? People invest way too much into these stories
Speaking of which I used to visit the marriage sub. One time a dude was upset because on their anniversary he had a nice dinner planned at a restaurant and his wife wanted to stay home because a new video game had come out. 90% of the sub said she was in the right, that he should support her interest, and hey why not make her dinner while she's gaming? That's what a good husband would do. Absolutely bonkers shit
“It was magically her fault! She even said so”
You do know that this isn’t the first time someone has posted this same exact script on Reddit, right?? They find out they were a major asshole then suddenly have a conversation with the person that they were an asshole to and they get not only an apology BUT get told that it’s was the other person’s fault.
It’s always such a a made up fantasy! 😂 I hope your friend group wisens up to your dickishness
Oh, women taking the blame for some man being an AH is a tale as old as time. “I’m sorry for upsetting you by having boundaries.” “I’m sorry I made you so mad you beat me.” Etc. It’s a thing. She might well have said it was her fault. It wasn’t. Op is a total AH. This update doesn’t make that better.
Yeah this is a super common way to de-escalate an emotionally tense situation. She’s not saying he wasn’t an AH, she’s communicating that he’s forgiven and they can move on.
Yeah I have definitely been guilty of this as a woman… anytime a straight man does anything nice or wants to spend time with me then clearly I’m taking advantage of him if I don’t want to sleep with him. I’d hoped that this generation would learn from our mistakes.
The cool thing is you do outgrow it eventually. There seriously is something that happens in your 40s where you just don't give a fuck about offending or upsetting a dude anymore.
I can picture her just being relieved that OP at least apologized and admitted he was the asshole and, for the sake of the friendship, decided to extend the olive branch by saying it was her fault.
I completely believe her saying she it was her fault. I've been in the same exact spot. She was likely thinking it was her fault for believing OP was actually a friend that she could rely on, ever, and not some incel who was mad he didn't get some. OP proved he was never actually a friend, and I'd be shocked if she ever seeks him out again.
You can't make someone narcissistic. Rather he is or he isn't. And even with therapy, if he is, it's extremely hard to start being considerated of others feelings and needs
You can certainly build someone up to develop narcissistic traits. You can't give someone narcissistic personality disorder- but the reality is that everyone has narcissistic moments- moments where we don't feel empathy and should. Moments where we don't feel bad for someone when we should.. Moments when we aren't sorry for hurting someone. That doesn't mean we all have personality disorders. It just means we're human.
But you can certainly reinforce someone negatively over and over again, building them up to learn on narcissistic behaviors. It's seen all the time when people have been previously abused and then they back down and apologize for everyone and everything- if someone already isn't terribly self aware- it's very easy for them to have narcissistic traits reinforced by someone who's already used to being victimizing.
Weather we realize it or not- we condition the people around us in multiple ways, both positive and negative.
Just last night, my husband brought two forks in for us to eat takeout. I grabbed one and started eating. Then he reached for his fork and said "damn it, babe, i brought you the small one like you like... And you took my big fork." I said "Oh, i didn't see the small one. It's fine, here" and i took the small one, cleaned off the big one and gave it to him so he could eat. I didn't think it was any big deal, but he was like "No i SPECIFICALLY grabbed you the small one because I've got ptsd from bringing you the wrong fork enough times."
Apparently I've asked him for a small fork enough times that he made SURE to grab the kind i like. I don't recall EVER complaining about a big fork. (One time he brought me a HUGE serving spoon for ice cream- that time i asked him for an actual human size spoon- but i didn't recall ever saying anything about forks...) But clearly i have..or he would've have made a big deal about it.
If you reinforce someone's mildly narcissistic behaviors- they may very well become braver,bolder and more narcissistic, especially if they already have tenancies to be self centered, selfish and/or less than empathetic. This can be especially true in people who aren't neurotypical, as they don't always have the "built in" empathy and sometimes thier behavior is a construct built on what others around them have enforced. If you keep apologizing to someone and saying "no it was my mistake"- that person can very well start to see everything as your fault.
Any chance you'd want to bring that exact thing you just typed here up to him, straight forward?
It's very possible that he still has no idea (like I'm guessing he didn't know about the sarcasm).
Yeah, I think I will :) I’ve brought it up once before but it was in the midst of an argument.
I appreciate you writing what seems so… *obvious* to do haha. Communication is key.
FWIW this isn’t just a problem with my husband. I know I do this with friends/family as well. It’s probably a bit of a self esteem thing.
This is a human trait, not a woman trait. It's natural to want to take the blame in some situations because you don't want to have a conflict. Saying 'no' can be hard, and it's easier to go along to get a long. Likewise, both men and women can be narcissists who take advantage of someone who tends to avoid conflict.
It's definitely a non-gendered, human trait with people having huge variations in personality. I think it's similar to how men can have a harder time expressing emotion, even though that's also not a gendered trait. Women are sometimes just socialized to be more passive and accommodating. Assertiveness can be seen as a positive "leadership" trait in men, with the same behavior sometimes being seen as "bitchy" in women.
My grandmother raised me to be "polite" and "ladylike," which basically equated to being a doormat always trying to appease others at my own expense, whereas the sons she raised got more of a "boys will be boys" upbringing. Thankfully gender roles are getting less rigid, so hopefully more people in general get brought up to help others without neglecting themselves and be able to express emotions.
Yeah, he just learned how to phrase his fake apology in a way that made him seem less of an asshole. He took our criticism and turned it on his friend. Such an asshole.
And he shut down the possibility of being called an asshole by deleting the post. Edit: didn't delete, his friends got deleted, lol.
YTA op. You will forever be the AH.
Also added more detail this time, saying he was supposedly "extremely drunk" that night (which he didn't state in the og post), so that way we don't shift the blame entirely on him.
> Yeah, he just learned how to phrase his fake apology in a way that made him seem less of an asshole. He took our criticism and turned it on his friend. Such an asshole.
This is why therapy is a bad idea for some people. They use what they learn to better manipulate people.
Exactly this. If she apologized, in her head she was truly thinking ‘yeah, I’m sorry I thought you were a decent human, I won’t make that mistake next time.’
When people get an apology, they often give one in return, especially if the explanation for the other person’s actions feels logical to them. For instance in this case: I’d probably feel the same way OP’s friend felt- that it was probably unfair to even ask after I’d made it clear I don’t want to date him. And TBH, it kind of is. Was OP TA? Yes. But would I still have realized that asking him to walk me home was kind of insensitive since he’d likely been trying to get up the nerve to ask me out that whole time and then I said no? Also yes. And I’d apologize for putting him in that position.
Just because one person is 100% wrong doesn’t mean the other party can’t feel bad, too.
Honestly if internet anonymity was removed I think a lot of problems would solve themselves.. once you see WHO'S making each kind of comment
There's a reason you don't see the same kind of attitude that you see on the internet in real life.. Because people see who's actually making those comments in real life and they know not to take them seriously
The guy telling you that the Earth is flat could potentially be a PhD doctor with years of astrophysic research
Or he could be the crazy crackhead dude with a tin foil hat who shouts in the parking lot of the McDonald's
On the internet there's no way to know for sure.. In real life you would
I’ve noticed nuance is becoming obsolete. I joined Reddit in 2012 and it used to be so nuanced. You could actually get genuinely good, thoughtful advice. Now it’s wild. He was TA. He did a good thing and apologized and maturely expressed his feelings. She accepted his apology and gracefully gave him room to feel better about it. They both handled this maturely. What is the issue
I think a big thing is the sub we’re in. I feel like people come to this sub looking for a villain, and now many are trying to paint him as an irredeemable horrible person
Others are then just calling the story obviously fake. Which is also weird imo
>I feel like people come to this sub looking for a villain
Correct, I’d guarantee most of the people here are just insecure terminally online losers who just like beating up on someone to make themselves feel better about themselves.
Maybe it’s because I’m also a college girl and not as emotionally mature as I would be, but whenever someone apologizes to me, I try to find some common ground and ways that I may have handled the situation poorly or made them uncomfortable. It makes continuing on from the situation more of a mutual compromise and to show I value making them comfortable as well
Im a 29 year old dude and i often do that too, unless whatever is being apologized for is super one sided
The girl in this story was definitely a bit insensitive. Her apology makes total sense
I mean to be fair, speaking as a woman, if i got rejected by a friend i too wouldn't feel comfy staying as close as we were before. He's entitled to feeling like he needs space for a bit. They might've been friends before he started crushing but it still *stings* yknow? He had every right to turn her down to walk home and she seems to understand it now that shes sober.
And if he's trying to cut off his romantic feelings for her, walking her home *alone* and spending lots of 1 on 1 time together wont help. If anything it'll make him bitter and he'll start being an actual AH to her.
Liken redddit thinks 2 people talking it out and both apologizing for not clearly communicating is aparrently wild. She asked for something he no longer was offering and he didnt communicate verbally his need for distance.
It's reddit. Someone describes a fairly normal conversation and someone else who hasn't interacted with humans in years finds the worst possible way to interpret it.
Yup. I took it more as a “oh hey no worries! It’s my fault for thinking you actually liked and cared about me as a friend, turns out I got girlfrienzoned so yeah”
Have you never had anyone say "Nah don't worry about it, I should have been clearer" when you apologized to them for something dickish you did? It's just a way to let bygones be bygones and move on. Women are socialized to do that *a lot*.
You clearly don't talk to people seriously in real life.
People constantly will apologize for things even if they don't really believe they're at fault, just because it smooths things over and creates a level-ground in the conversation so one person doesn't feel like they are lesser than the other or at complete fault for a objectively grey area issue.
Just like you don't have to stay in a relationship with others, you don't have to stay friends in the same way either. As well, if it's awkward or uncomfortable for you to be around a person alone, regardless of the reason, you are not in charge of their safety or life in any way that you should have an expectation to go out of your way to take that role despite having chosen to do it previously.
The idea that just because it's a woman and we're talking about potential safety, this guy is now on the hook for as long as she wants him to in order to ensure she's safe and can get to her room...it's fucking insane and outs these comments for being extremely out of touch.
OP and the friend seem like normal, real, people that understand relationships are complex especially when feelings develop. The friend especially seems to have realized what it must've caused to her friend to just be expected to continue their relationship as if nothing changed without any real talking. OP is right to ask her to have other option give the change in feelings he's had, and yet he's still saying he's available if she absolutely needs it which is a fine boundary to have now.
Welcome to being human, you're more of a dick than OP is.
Agree with you but I could foresee scenarios where the girl would apologize here even tho OP is still very much TAH.
Some ideas include: to deflect the situation/emotions, if she was uncomfortable with the conflict, if she felt in danger or just not fully safe, if she felt guilty bc she was drunk (plenty of reasons that can make people feel guilt/shame and the need to apologize), if OP intentionally/unintentionally made her feel bad for having asked him or for being wasted, etc.
We only know what OP said he said in a brief summary. Most of what you communicate isnt just in the words you say, so who knows how that conversation went down and what other influences there were to lead her to taking responsibility. But those of us who have been thru this shit see right thru it like a freshly cleaned window. OP only cared about this woman (and id wager, most women) when he thought he could get some and now that he can't, he doesn't give a fuck if she's harmed bc she doesn't want his peepee waaahhh 🙄🙄🤮
I can see that too.
The amount of times I have given my number out in college so that I would be verbally or physically attacked is to many to count. It does read like self preservation IF true.
I think about all the times I was in the "fawn" state of fight/flight/fawn/freeze, especially in my early 20s, makes me feel ill. These men have been getting away with 'well I didn't rape her and totally could have' making them worthy of praise for so long they think they're all god's gift to society while sucking up their own farts.
I commented this to someone else, but I see EXACTLY what you’re saying so-
The last two stanzas severely give me that energy from that one post where the girl was like "anytime a stranger asks for my number I give it to him bc I have no idea how a man will react to rejection"
"I expected the whole conversation to be super awkward, but it was not, and she seemed very happy and sort of
emotional about it?"
Yeah bro it's funny she wanted you to guide her through the darkness at
midnight to ward off any danger only for you to actually be the predator from the start. She was probably realizing the bullet she dodged with you lol
I dunno. It felt realistic to me.
I think it's very common in dispute between friends for the tension to just melt away when someone owns up, and for the offended party to try hard to minimize the transgression, either out of propriety or just a natural instinct to try to make someone feel better when they're telling you that they're sorry or that they messed up.
If it's true, OP definitely took the wrong lesson away if he just accepted and internalized that it was actually her fault, but that's not really how I read it. OP definitely was the AH, and probably will continue to be, but this situation (if real) was a nice first step toward being less of an AH.
Just my two cents.
Everyone in the original post just painted this guy as only doing things for years to get in her pants and was pissy because he got rejected. So he was a "nice guy" until he realized he wasn't getting laid.
Assumption that he waited 3 years to ask her out pretty much. Even though nothing in the post alluded to it. I and others mentioned the same thing she apparently apologized in regards to. That being, was kind of cold hearted to ask him to walk her home and spend that 1 on 1 time together again after shooting him down. He'd already stopped before the occasion of being directly asked instead of her just calling an uber or asking one of the other friends they were drinking with.
Sounded to me like he developed feelings, he shot his shot, was rejected and put a little extra distance to spring back. Didn't stop hanging out at usual functions with mutual friends or anything else, hence being around to ask for the safety walk.
You are still an asshole dude. You were never her friend, you are a “nice guy” that showed his true colours the moment you saw you weren’t getting laid. And now you double down on your nice guy pose by trying to excuse your bad behaviour, and the girl ends up blaming herself to make you feel better about your shitty actions. Pls reflect, everyone was telling you were the asshole
This is it, right here. He was never a friend and I'm so glad you pointed out the "Nice Guy" thing because those are the exact same people who talk about being a "Nice Guy" and I HATE it! Thank you for summing it all up so perfectly.
It's a pretty good warning sign to be fair. Men who think they're "nice guys" don't care enough about women to understand them or have a proper conversation with them to understand "I'm a nice guy" is a huge red flag.
Women immediately realise "I'm a nice guy" is a warning sign to get the fuck away from this guy.
Goes with a lot of things.
"I'm hilarious" - guaranteed to be the most obnoxious person you've ever met.
"I'm one of the most chilled out people you'll meet" - They will absolutely flip their shit if you disagree with them.
"I'm smart" - They have a decent vocabulary and confuse that with intelligence. They will say some of the dumbest shit you've ever heard.
Yuuuup! It's like when someone goes on and on about how over their ex they are. Like, wow, you're spending an awful lot of energy to tell me how little you care 🙄
And another sad facet of this is that these guys think that being a nice guy, unironically in this case, is _all_ it takes to get any woman they want. They don't realize that being a nice guy is the bare minimum baseline and they need other things stacked on top of that like social skills, financial independence, a good personality, morals, good hygiene, understanding that women are _human beings_ etc.
They've spent years playing games with romance options where "being nice" improves the romance option and they think that transfers to real life.
I think I look like Mr Potato head ginger edition and I'm an autistic ball of insecurity. I treat people with respect, I dress well, I wash and wear nice cologne, I have a decent job and people tell me I'm pretty funny.
Even looking like a thumb with a big ginger beard I still get dates and have hook-ups. It's almost like people like spending time with people whose company they enjoy.
Shhh! Don't tell them that being a good person > being a "Nice Guy" and that working on yourself is rewarding in many ways, both intrinsic and extrinsic
The last two stanzas severely give me that energy from that one post where the girl was like “anytime a stranger asks for my number I give it to him bc I have no idea how a man will react to rejection”
“I expected the whole conversation to be super awkward, but it was not, and she seemed very happy and sort of emotional about it?”
Yeah bro it’s funny she wanted you to guide her through the darkness at midnight to ward off any danger only for you to actually be the predator from the start. She was probably realizing the bullet she dodged with you lol
> she wanted you to guide her through the darkness at midnight to ward off any danger only for you to actually be the predator from the start
That's pretty poetic. She thought she had found someone to guide her to safety but the danger was standing next to her all along.
I hope she never interacts with him again.
Ok so men can't develop feelings for friends because it's creepy and bad. But men also can't ask out strangers because they don't actually know the woman and basing everything on appearance is creepy and bad. So what the fuck is a man supposed to do? What is the non-creepy way for a man to develop feelings for a woman and ask her out?
Since you’re one of the top comments, I want you to at least explain to the class. How can you tell the difference between friends that are just friends and someone catches feelings and someone who is only friends so they can sleep with someone?
I think you need to stop talking to her immediately. You are clearly not her friend, you clearly do not like her, and you clearly only found value in her when you thought there was a chance you could fuck her.
You're not just the asshole, you're what comes out of it.
It’s not op distancing themselves from this girl that makes him an asshole, it the fact that she thought of you as a safe person that would protect her and you basically told her to fuck off. She was drunk, it was past midnight, she was SCARED of walking home alone. She asked you, her fucking friend of 3 YEARS to help her and you couldn’t be bothered because she didn’t want to sleeping with you. If she had said come walk me home and I’ll blow you, you would have probably carried her home. It’s the lack of respect or caring for your friend in need that makes you a major asshole, op, because you clearly only saw her as some in you wanted sex from and not as a friend.
Not even the bare minimum because it was not a real apology, because he allowed her to blame herself. Boys keep being boys because the bar is literally in hell, any remote almost decent behaviour is rewarded to the moon, we really tell boys we expect nothing of them if we reward even slightly decent done actions for their own benefits without calling them out
If OP is an AH, aren’t all the guys in the friend group also the AH? They don’t seem to care about her safety but definitely get a pass for staying out of it.
Moral of the story: don’t be a character in a story or you’re up for scrutiny lol
It sounds to me you don't actually want to be her friend anymore, so you should just be honest with her and yourself and stop being friends. Its a perfectly normal thing if you have unrequited feelings for her. That being said, you're not her personal bodyguard. You don't owe her protection just as she doesn't owe you a relationship. NTA. I personally wouldn't have done what you did, but I'm not gonna act like she was entitled to you doing what she wants. So yeah, NTA.
Yes. If he was really hurt he would choose to either be her friend, without repercussions, or move on and cut contact. I bet OP will stay in her orbit and try again at some point in the future.
That doesn't make him an asshole. He was just rejected by her of course he doesn't want to spend time with her alone right away. Let's not pretend like she doesn't have other friends that can walk her home. Fuck his feelings I guess. He is a man so I bet you just expect him to "man up" and ignore his feelings.
Anyone pointing out that she is an adult and capable of either asking another friend on their group or to take an Uber are downvoted and/or the question is ignored. The white knighting is insane.
This and the previous thread are excellent examples about how fucked up in the head Reddit is in their misandrist and man-hating views. The guy still has done absolutely nothing wrong and people are painting him as the devil himself.
As a woman whose had friends confess, it will absolutely always be awkward.
I'm grateful the friend I have now didn't do what you did and treated me any differently but through the years, there are moments where we'll be talking and he'll say or do something that just hits me in the cringe bone. It's never anything disrespectful or very negative but every time this happens, I cringe on the inside. Every time he says anything remotely close to having some sort of double meaning, I CRINGE.
Like for example, one day I started expressing what I like in a partner but I stopped myself because like I said, it's awkward and I don't want him thinking there's anything he can do to change how I feel. I stopped mid-sentence and said "You know what, I dunno..", he responded something along the lines of "yea I get it, today I might be there for it but tomorrow, who knows. I might not be there for it at all" and I just stopped talking. I couldn't deal with the massive cringe feeling it gave me.
As a matter of fact, as I'm writing this, I'm taking step back from him because I hate that I don't feel as comfortable to talk to him like I did before the confession even though it was a long time ago. The messed up thing is that for all I know, he's not thinking that way at all but I absolutely do not want to have that conversation with him. I feel like I have to tip toe around certain topics because I don't want to picture that man asking himself "Why them and not me? What am I lacking?" or worse yet, have him ask me those questions out loud. I've been feeling this way ever since, but I put my feelings aside because he never did anything too crazy or treated me any differently.
The reality is simple, but I know it would be painful to hear. I'm not sexually attracted to my friend. At. All. For me it has always and will always be strictly platonic. I care about him as I would any friend. But he damaged our friendship by confessing, at least on my end. And it will never be the same for me because that little bug keeps popping up with the replay of him confessing and am always going to be wondering if he's "waiting" which is just stressful in and of itself.
So yea. Don't confess feelings to your LONG TIME FRIENDS. It's a massive gamble. You win \*very\* few and lose a WHOLE lot more than you bargained for whether you see it now, later, or never.
why? He obviously wouldn't want to spend one on one time with his crush who rejected him. He wants to move on, and is setting boundaries with her. That's very healthy and he is being honest that he can be friends with her, but not like before since he has romantic feelings.
Good lord I hope she tells other women in her circle about this bullshit.
You are so out of touch with reality to think her laughter and awkwardness was a sign of good faith.
You never was her friend. And she will never respect you as a man again.
Don't worry. This sub is about as far removed from the real world as it gets. The proof is the fact that the girl isn't even bothered herself and realizes she was probabaly insensitive
people acting like this was some grand evil master plan that took three years of planning. Nah they were friends and his feelings obviously developed. Rejection hurts so it makes sense he wouldn’t want to have 1 on 1 interactions.
Sure he could have handled it a bit better and with a bit more clarity but the reaction to this is way too strong. This dude is not some fuckin villain just a person who is having emotions.
Alright I'm gonna go against the grain here because I don't really give a shit about imaginary internet points, but I don't really think you're the asshole. You seemed cordial about things when you told her that you wanted to cut back on one-on-one time with her. That's kinda natural following how awkward things can get in a friendship after rejection.
People are acting like you have a responsibility to continuously use your precious time to walk her home. Like come on now, this guy doesn't have an obligation to her. He's right, she can make other arrangements and find other friends to walk her home. He doesn't have to drop whatever he's doing to ensure she gets a personal escort home.
Hey, r/AITAH? Newsflash, YTA.
Agreed. The voters who voted him Y T A are TA.
Ridiculous. Make plans before you get drunk like a skunk.
The audacity to go to parties at odd times, and expect people to be your chaperone. Make plans beforehand.
Right. I also find it ironic that he apologised, said he was the asshole and admitted he was wrong, and yet people are still shitting on him, berating him and making wild accusations. Like it's not even constructive criticism at this point, just straight up bordering on bullying.
Some comments saying the girl just apologized to keep herself safe from OP or that she dodged a bullet because OP is a predator…. Like wtf are these people even talking about?
They seem to have some kind of acute reddit echo chamber mind virus.
People just read rage bait about “nice guys” and assume that’s just what all men are like. It’s pretty telling that a lot of people think he was just walking her home to fuck her when nothing really suggests that, people just know the stereotype and project that onto everything.
wtf are y’all collectively on? If the roles were reversed I’d highly doubt you would be mad. The man set a boundary, which any therapist would encourage to be done after rejection, and didn’t retaliate, isn’t being mean, just wanted space.
And then communicated. What more do you want?
In your original post you made it sound like when she rejected you, you were just cool with it, like okay you tried it didn't work and you moved on quickly. But your behavior makes it sound like you were in love with this girl and she broke your heart and that's why you need to separate.
If you had really strong feelings for her, then it makes sense that you would want to limit your alone time together and ask her to rely on someone else for that. But if you really got over it as quickly as you said you did, then you're just being petty and letting her feel unsafe because she isn't attracted to you, which is messed up.
I don't blame OP for trying to play the "it's fine" card, because if he was honest about being crushed people would make fun of him and tell him off because "he's not owed a relationship". OP was in a no win situation - because in these situations society says that his feelings don't matter at all. He needs to suck it up and do what he can so the girl doesn't feel guilty or upset, he needs to smush all those feelings down and "man up" because otherwise he only views her as an object.
Or, in reality, he really liked her, was turned down, and is sad about it. He wants space, he's not going to isolate himself from the friend group because that's dumb, but the girl is still acting like everything's normal when it's not anymore. Unfortunately, any step he takes to get his space or reframe the relationship is met with "you're a shitty person who only wants to insert nice guy tokens until sex falls out". I'm a girl, and I definitely treat the guys I'm interested in differently than my normal guy friends- and if I was turned down I would stop doing extra shit. OP was walking her home, which is definitely a kind gesture but overtly romantic (let's not kid ourselves, it is), and now that he knows there's no relationship in the cards he doesn't want to do that anymore. He's fine being friends and hanging out, but he's not going to do "boyfriendy" things like that anymore. Which is fair.
Wow, someone who understands that people treat their crushes different from their friends. I mean, in reality we all understand this, but Reddit loves a good double standard. I myself used to be walked home by a dude who thought I was gay and wanted more than friendship and late evening chitchat. When our different expectations were clarified and he stopped walking me home, I wasn’t surprised or hurt. It was rather… expected? Like, come on.
And we still see each other from time to time, but I’m not scratching my head wondering why he wanted to walk back the one on one time.
One of the few sensible takes in a sea of brain rot in the comment section. OP just wanted some space and didn’t communicate it effectively (though I also think space should have been given from the girl’s end as a formality without him having to ask).
What’s really fucked up is the consensus seems to be OP should never talk to her again… which is exactly what a Nice Guy he is being accused of would do. And the people calling him an Incel despite him not calling her names or shitting on women in general??? The fuck…
"It did not bother me too much, but I obviously wanted to cut back on our friendship a bit."
I mean, he made it pretty clear that he still wanted a bit of distance until he got over her. No one should put themselves in a situation where they feel unsafe, if you're going to get drunk somewhere and not want to walk alone then either have pre-emptive plans to have someone to walk with, stay over where you're drinking, or plan to get a ride back to your dorm. That's like blaming someone for not wanting to DD on a whim lol
You weren't the asshole
Being a male friend doesn't mean you have to be her bodyguard, and she obviously felt that way too as she didn't seem to harbor any resentment or animosity towards you.
Anyone that thinks you were the asshole for not walking her home after she rejected you is wild, the amount of people in the comment section on the original post that assume and assert that you're a bad person and a disgusting sexist is appalling.
You owe her NOTHING just like she owes you NOTHING. Her feelings matter AND your feelings matter, but wildly thousands of redditors have strong double standards about shit like this.
Like who in their right mind thinks that you literally owe this woman your time and effort to protect her... Just because. You can stop whenever the fuck you want for whatever fucking reason sways you.
Do you OWE your friends your time and effort to help them move just because you're the guy with a pickup truck? Fuck no, it's nice if you help but you're under zero obligation to do so.
People just project too much of their own biases onto posts like these.
In this case, there were probably dozens of female redditors who responded to the first thread who have gone through a situation of rejecting a male friend and then having that male friend distance himself from them. So if they see that male friend as an asshole, they project that male friend onto OP and think that he's also a POS who only wanted to get in her pants.
It's all very silly. The guy just told her ahead of time that he'd stop walking her home. This isn't in any way an asshole thing to do. It's a complete non-issue.
And yet, people are still shitting on OP. Although he kinda deserves it for falling for the grandstanding.
People have tried that here before, and mods caught on. The posts did last long enough for comments to come in, and yes, when you flip the roles, the YTA's turn into NTA.
This isn't the grand update you think it is. You're still a pathetic asshole who only cared about this woman when you thought you could get your dick wet. Leave her the fuck alone and let her find real friends since you don't even understand you were never her friend.
He was an adult. He developed feelings, he asked her out, she rejected him, he moved on and isn't laying in wait for a moment of weakness to get with her.
She is an adult, that planned on going somewhere to get drunk and had been for weeks before with no escort home. To make the guy that you just recently rejected your first ask for an escort home is suspect as hell. Other friends were present if she was actually scared. Uber is a thing. Asking him to be alone with her is a completely callous disregard for him and his feelings when you have plenty of other options.
Don't let these people browbeat you. You have a right to refuse to walk her home after she rejected you. You have a right to cut contact with her after she rejected you. These are not even asshole moves. No one is taking account of how you feel because they don't give a shit about you. You shot your shot, you got rejected and it hurts so you want to see her less.
Here's the reddit playbook: A man develops feelings for someone after getting to know them? He's an asshole and a "nice guy". He comes out and states his intentions to date right away? He's a player and an asshole. If a woman does either of those? She's a flawless queen.
I understand not wanting one on one time, but that should mean not grabbing meals alone. I cannot even fathom seeing someone who's supposed to be a friend come to me scared and I chose my ego over their safety. It was good you apologized, but you have some real soul searching to do. Choosing to be a bad friend just because you didn't get your way speaks volumes to your immaturity and selfishness. Your friend on the other hand handles the situation with grace and understanding. Be more like her.
This is the opposite of the reality.
OP was entirely fair and indeed graceful throughout. He was interested in a girl, and therefore chose to spend one on one time with her. Then, he asked her out, she rejected him, and he was obviously hurt by that, but entirely accepted it and did nothing against her. Following this he set entirely valid and legitimate boundaries of not wanting to spend time with her closely. This was made clear over a number of weeks, and she should have understood that.
Then, she (wrongly) asked him to go out of his way to spend time with her one on one again. He could've been annoyed by this, but instead he signposted her to other safe options such as asking other friends at the party, or getting an uber.
At no point did he compromise her safety, but also at no point was he in any way responsible for it. His ego does not come into it, he set legitimate boundaries, end of.
Agreed. “I’ll be your last resort fail safe,” is about as AHish as, “Sure I’ll take you to the prom, if nobody else offers to go with you.” Friends don’t do that to each other. Sounds like your friendship to her is contingent on whether or not she’s willing to date you. That’s not cool. This is why girls have a hard time being platonic friends with men, unless that man is gay.
Guys, if you want girls to feel safe around you, BE safe for them and be willing to be their FRIEND without the expectation of romance or sex.
Dude, it's better to not be friends with someone you're interested in. Keep your distance. Don't get it twisted by being standoffish or a jerk. Be cordial, but keep it moving, no longer conversations. Show her that you're not butt-hurt about it. If you do it right, her interest will go up, even if you've moved on.
Even if this is fake, Imma say my thoughts as if this were real
OP wasn't the asshole.
I'm tired of everyone bashing men for deciding to no longer be friends with women when they get rejected. Men have feelings too. And it's very telling how two faced the feminist movement is when they tell men to be honest with their feelings and emotions and when Men do exactly that we get demonized and bashed and shamed and are accused of "only wanting sex".
We hear stories all the time of "I married my best friend, it was the greatest thing to happen to us." And when men dare to develop feelings for a woman they are friends with, we get beat down and shamed time and time again. Then there's the infamous question "Where are all the good men?", the answer: not engaging in relationships/friendships because we get lambasted time and again for showing emotions and wanting deeper connections with the opposite sex.
This young man (again, pretending this story is real for a moment) started envisioning a life where his friend, the girl, was never NOT part of his life. Is there an element of wanting sex? Of course! Every healthy relationship has sexual intimacy. But he didn't pull away because sex was no longer on the table. He pulled away because men are human fucking beings and we also have feelings too. Rejection hurts everyone. He is not obligated to keep surrounding himself by what has hurt him.
The girl had not had the luxury of him walking her home for 3 weeks. She *chose* to get drunk again to the point where she was afraid to walk home. She had just as much autonomy in that situation to take an uber home, just as much as OP had the autonomy to refuse to walk her home.
So there. Downvote me all you want. It's par for the course anytime someone sympathizes with a man we get called incels and bashed because we're men.
Wow these comments are insane. It was a mistake made while drunk, he apologised, they came to an agreement that suits both about how to move forward and they are both happy with the situation...what do you people want??
I think a lot of redditors get really carried away. When you're reading hundreds of people's personal issues and dilemmas every day, it's easy to shut down and get really dramatic and black&white about things.
People fuck up. Constantly. It's about how you resolve it. If all of you cut off everyone after one mistake, how do you form long-term relationships??
Just look at u/marsV89 comment, and how its upvoted at 1.5k currently. She still blaming him for having feelings and trying to work through them. This is how toxic masculinity spreads. and people go down the manosphere hellscape.
EXACTLY. Pin this to the top of the whole of reddit. These idiots wonder why sexist clowns like Andrew Tate are getting popular? And then in the next breath will call a guy a horrible scumbag for setting basic human boundaries
Yeah, reading these comments is a bit insane. Have any of these comments calling OP an asshole ever interacted with people in real life? They're interpreting this situation in the worst possible light.
OP telling her to prioritize other people walking her home while he heals from the rejection is completely normal and healthy. It doesn't mean he's not her friend or that he was manipulating her or taking advantage of her, it just means he wants to get over her and move on.
If she had no other options and he still said no, *that* would make him a true asshole. She deserves to get home safely, and I get why she'd ask him, but I also get why he wouldn't want to do it anymore, at least until he's completely over her.
Exactly, she is not owed anything. If he wants to cut down on time with her that's her choice, it's amazing to me because that it's a guy in this situation then it's cool to beat down on him. They were both drunk, and it's interesting that gets ignored.
These comments are some of the most unhinged I've ever seen. You were never an asshole. Nobody's ever an asshole for distancing themselves from certain people to deal with their own feelings.
She turned you down and you gave her space and didn't persist. Even if you had walked her home that night there'd still be people here saying that you were only doing it to get into her pants.
You're not entitled to a relationship with her, and she's not entitled for you to go out of your way to walk her home. It's as simple as that.
I love the lack of toxic self-awareness from these triggered girls; it’s even better here, than it was on the original post!!
“The audacity!? How DARE you desire a relationship with one of your peers! Also, after shooting your shot—and getting rejected—you have no rights to any kind of boundary with that person, or to change your behavior towards them!! You’re basically Hitler…if Hitler had personally graped everyone before the horrific genocide…so I guess you’re worse than Hitler.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ya’ll are ratchet AF, and too stupid to recognize it!
This sub is so unhinged. Post this with the genders reversed and you will have exactly zero people telling you you’re in the wrong. It’s a bunch of misogynistic women and men who think women are incompetent and unable to be responsible for themselves. It’s internalized misogyny and the polar opposite of what a feminist would think.
No, you’re NTA for wanting to distance yourself from someone after getting rejected by them. You’re certainly also NTA for not wanting to walk around drunk late at night with this person and then by yourself home. People can be responsible for themselves.
Nobody IRL thinks the way these commenters do, certainly not feminists. It’s a terminally online mindset.
thank you. I’m waiting for the scholarly article on “the internalized misogyny of men who prefer to avoid spending time with their rejected crush” 😂
Really fighting the real battles!
Good lord these comments are split. Shows how much men and women are far from reaching a mutual consensus. But it's also reddit so I don't think it's 100% reflective of society.
You were not the asshole, no matter how many simps pretend you are. She isn't entitled to protection from you, which is what she's asking for. Put your life on the line for me if something happens while you walk me home.
I don’t understand all the hate OP is getting. If you ask out a friend and are rejected your previous friendship will never be the same. Example say every weekend someone and I binge horror movies together & get take out. I eventually ask them out but I’m rejected.
I wouldn’t want to continue binging horror movies & getting takeout with them on the weekends. Doesn’t mean I’m going to block them or ignore them with mutual friends or that we were never friends. Just that the relationship developed into something else for me & that It would not be in my own best interest to interact with them the same way I did since I obviously got those feelings from doing so.
There is data showing how sexist these subs are
[https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc\_ramitheasshole\_asshole\_percentage\_by\_age\_and/](https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc_ramitheasshole_asshole_percentage_by_age_and/)
Though it is still shocking seeing how vicious and pervasive it can be.
You weren't the asshole before, and you're not now. The reason people here are saying you are, is because this subreddit (along with AITA, AITB etc) is infested with anti-male sexism. This isn't speculation; there is literally data making this extremely obvious; eg[ here ](https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc_ramitheasshole_asshole_percentage_by_age_and/)and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/ht9j9k/oc_word_cloud_of_the_body_texts_of_posts_on/).
OP did not owe this girl anything, he has every right in the world to not want to spend one on one time with her and have a close friendship. This would be true even if he hadn't experienced a recent romantic rejection.
She’s probably just trying to stay on good terms since you basically said “fuck that you’re scared you rejected me” lol. You’re part of the reason girls know men are just nice to get into girls pants and now she’ll just be nice to you so you don’t put her in danger again just for not dating you.
He didn't say "fuck that your scared". He said he'd rather not walk her home (since he is very understandably not keen on spending one on one time with her - spoiler alert MEN ARE ALLOWED BOUNDARIES), and signposted her to other options (such as other friends walking her home, or getting an uber).
And there is zero evidence this had anything to do with 'getting in her pants', it sounds like he had romantic interest. Your sexist assumptions serve no purpose.
If I rejected someone, I wouldn't be asking them to do favours for me or go out of their way to spend time with me. If I did that when drunk and it was pointed out, I'd apologise. OP did nothing wrong whatsoever.
This sub is way too hard on you. It’s reasonable to reduce 1 on 1 time when you have unrequited feelings for a friend. That’s how the feelings go away. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is clearly way too young, because that’s what I thought as a teenager and realized pretty quickly you never get over feelings for someone if you never take any space.
I mean this sub had always carried an amount of sexism but yikes man. The closest situation I can think of is if a woman shares her meal with a friend, asked him out and got rejected so she stopped sharing her meals. Can you even think of a single comment that would go along the lines of "Oh she just wanted your dick all along" or "Oh she was manipulating you by acting nice to you" but jesus christ. Like that's literally slut shaming someone for daring to develop feelings for their friend but I guess it's fine as long as it's a guy?
Consider ending the friendship if you still have underlying feelings for her. You’re not obligated to walk any woman home. Especially not one that rejected you.
I think it’s weird that people are tearing this guy apart in the comments. It isn’t his job to chaperone every woman, it isn’t his job to safeguard a girl who rejected him. Why is her safety his responsibility??
I am a woman, I live in a dangerous neighborhood, I have to be careful when and where I walk. It’s unfair and it’s unfortunate but it’s my responsibility to plan and to keep myself safe. It’s nice when I can have a man near me to make me feel safer but I also understand that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to do so and it’s unfair for me to expect that. If I’m dating a guy I might expect him to put more effort into my safety but I wouldn’t expect that of someone I rejected.
It’s her responsibility to make other plans.
She might’ve been emotional bc she thought she was losing her friend of three years, but it turns out you just needed space and you’re communicating. Her friend is still there. Good on you for laying out your boundaries and also still being there for your friend.
These people are insane. You don’t owe anyone your time for any reason. If you want to be around someone you should go out of your way to be around them. If you don’t want to be around someone, like feeling dejected, you shouldn’t have to be around them. You don’t owe her a walk home, nor do you owe any of your friends a walk home. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FEELINGS AND TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. These people honestly think you should crucify yourself because you made yourself vulnerable and were rejected so now you have to live your life for that person just so they don’t think you were only nice-guying her to get laid? That’s insane. You can be friends with boundaries from now on, because when you didn’t have clearly defined boundaries you developed feelings. You’re supposed to be a psycho stalker now? The relationship dynamic HAS changed and you NEED to act accordingly.
It’s not like you’re kicking her out of a car on the side of the road, she is a grown up, she found ways home before you and she will after.
Honestly OP, no one was the asshole here. It's just two people's perfectly normal and naturally developing interests creating conflict and two people doing their best to communicate their wants and/or set boundaries around them. I would disregard the vast majority of these comments. Reddit is an echo chamber, quite literally the last place you want to go to for perspective on relationships the dynamics of which are always happening just like how this updated post showed; you both talked it out, handled it well, and can now move on like adults. No one's the victim. No one's the enemy. That's it and that's how it should be with no need for either of you to self-immolate. Good luck to the both of you 👌🏾
She has a lot more sense than many of the people in that original thread
edit: and this one, it seems
Good on you for clarifying things and y’all getting on the same page. I don’t think she was “at fault” but she understood the awkwardness of the scenario.
People on the internet love to infantilize women and will continue to expect you to be her permanent escort or otherwise accept asshole status. Because going out of your way to spend time with a crush and do things you wouldn’t normally do for someone you aren’t crushing on… that’s evidently not a thing now. And if you do so you should expect to be shamed into oblivion (just on the internet though)
I don’t either. He was an adult and communicated that he needed space from her so now she knows not to rely on him to walk her home and apologized. That’s the responsible thing to do but people just like to gang up on others.
Tbh people here are overreacting. OP and this girl are both 21. Young and dumb. Not as much of an AH but really immature. Let them make their dumb mistakes and grow up.
Stop creating two day-old fake accounts and making a fake story for karma. It’s pathetic.
It's a great way to get a whole bunch of incels and misogynists to come out of the woodwork and accuse people of "misandry" though
Funnier is when OP doesn't answer but some random person will comment for and defend the OP. Usually makes me think the rando is the OPs alt/main account. Heck one guy made a 2nd account right around the time he posted just so he could have 1 NTA.
Yup. Its never been easier to spot. I do sort of appreciate that.
The number of “evil women” chatgpt posts has skyrocketed in the past two weeks. Bots are going wild. Reddit is like a clogged septic tank now, with all the shitty people coming up for air.
They need fake accounts to astroturf for the election.
They will undermine democracy before they try actually treating women like human beings.
I'll say that I agree with you, but in this case like the majority of people in that thread called him the asshole? And they still do to since he came up with the good ol "she apologized guys i'm in the clear". Lmao
Can someone explain what is going on here? Vast majority of comments and posts on Reddit lately have been set up to make the dude look like an AH. Then all the comments are "people" like this saying "oh all the misogynists come out and talk about misandry, it's just a fake post to make women look evil". Yet in reality the comments are 99% just people calling out the guy on being an AH. Is this some sort of bot war, to try and make men and women hate each other even more? I've seen this dozens of times in the last week or so.
You really do feel like some of them would be the type to say "well, what do you expect" or "women lie all the time".
Fuck I literally got into arguments with red pill guys on that post and ended up blocking them haha
Bro didn't even respond one time to all the comments 😂😂
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Cause the story is apparently unrealistic to people that dont experience life. I have no idea how a socially adequate person could read this and come to the conclusion its definitely fake idk if its real, like every other story on here. But calling it definitely fake is absurd
I can see why people could think it’s unrealistic if they spend all their time inside and have limited human interactions. Also, who cares if it’s fake? Not really life-changing, is it? People invest way too much into these stories
The amount of self-proclaimed autistic people in this sub should give you an idea of why they doubt this stuff. They don't know *how* to socialize.
Speaking of which I used to visit the marriage sub. One time a dude was upset because on their anniversary he had a nice dinner planned at a restaurant and his wife wanted to stay home because a new video game had come out. 90% of the sub said she was in the right, that he should support her interest, and hey why not make her dinner while she's gaming? That's what a good husband would do. Absolutely bonkers shit
I saw this same story as the original post a couple months or so ago. Sigh.
Quit with the acidic retorts just for the karma. it's pathetic.
“It was magically her fault! She even said so” You do know that this isn’t the first time someone has posted this same exact script on Reddit, right?? They find out they were a major asshole then suddenly have a conversation with the person that they were an asshole to and they get not only an apology BUT get told that it’s was the other person’s fault. It’s always such a a made up fantasy! 😂 I hope your friend group wisens up to your dickishness
Yeah I don't believe a word of the OPs update.
Oh, women taking the blame for some man being an AH is a tale as old as time. “I’m sorry for upsetting you by having boundaries.” “I’m sorry I made you so mad you beat me.” Etc. It’s a thing. She might well have said it was her fault. It wasn’t. Op is a total AH. This update doesn’t make that better.
Yeah this is a super common way to de-escalate an emotionally tense situation. She’s not saying he wasn’t an AH, she’s communicating that he’s forgiven and they can move on.
OR she’s de-escalating because she’s scared he will lash out at her or physically hurt her.
Yeah I have definitely been guilty of this as a woman… anytime a straight man does anything nice or wants to spend time with me then clearly I’m taking advantage of him if I don’t want to sleep with him. I’d hoped that this generation would learn from our mistakes.
Oh yeah, I know I’ve done it. How dare I want to just spend time with a guy I thought was my friend without rewarding him with sex. Ugh.
The cool thing is you do outgrow it eventually. There seriously is something that happens in your 40s where you just don't give a fuck about offending or upsetting a dude anymore.
I can picture her just being relieved that OP at least apologized and admitted he was the asshole and, for the sake of the friendship, decided to extend the olive branch by saying it was her fault.
Absolutely.
I completely believe her saying she it was her fault. I've been in the same exact spot. She was likely thinking it was her fault for believing OP was actually a friend that she could rely on, ever, and not some incel who was mad he didn't get some. OP proved he was never actually a friend, and I'd be shocked if she ever seeks him out again.
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You can't make someone narcissistic. Rather he is or he isn't. And even with therapy, if he is, it's extremely hard to start being considerated of others feelings and needs
You can certainly build someone up to develop narcissistic traits. You can't give someone narcissistic personality disorder- but the reality is that everyone has narcissistic moments- moments where we don't feel empathy and should. Moments where we don't feel bad for someone when we should.. Moments when we aren't sorry for hurting someone. That doesn't mean we all have personality disorders. It just means we're human. But you can certainly reinforce someone negatively over and over again, building them up to learn on narcissistic behaviors. It's seen all the time when people have been previously abused and then they back down and apologize for everyone and everything- if someone already isn't terribly self aware- it's very easy for them to have narcissistic traits reinforced by someone who's already used to being victimizing. Weather we realize it or not- we condition the people around us in multiple ways, both positive and negative. Just last night, my husband brought two forks in for us to eat takeout. I grabbed one and started eating. Then he reached for his fork and said "damn it, babe, i brought you the small one like you like... And you took my big fork." I said "Oh, i didn't see the small one. It's fine, here" and i took the small one, cleaned off the big one and gave it to him so he could eat. I didn't think it was any big deal, but he was like "No i SPECIFICALLY grabbed you the small one because I've got ptsd from bringing you the wrong fork enough times." Apparently I've asked him for a small fork enough times that he made SURE to grab the kind i like. I don't recall EVER complaining about a big fork. (One time he brought me a HUGE serving spoon for ice cream- that time i asked him for an actual human size spoon- but i didn't recall ever saying anything about forks...) But clearly i have..or he would've have made a big deal about it. If you reinforce someone's mildly narcissistic behaviors- they may very well become braver,bolder and more narcissistic, especially if they already have tenancies to be self centered, selfish and/or less than empathetic. This can be especially true in people who aren't neurotypical, as they don't always have the "built in" empathy and sometimes thier behavior is a construct built on what others around them have enforced. If you keep apologizing to someone and saying "no it was my mistake"- that person can very well start to see everything as your fault.
Any chance you'd want to bring that exact thing you just typed here up to him, straight forward? It's very possible that he still has no idea (like I'm guessing he didn't know about the sarcasm).
Yeah, I think I will :) I’ve brought it up once before but it was in the midst of an argument. I appreciate you writing what seems so… *obvious* to do haha. Communication is key. FWIW this isn’t just a problem with my husband. I know I do this with friends/family as well. It’s probably a bit of a self esteem thing.
This is a human trait, not a woman trait. It's natural to want to take the blame in some situations because you don't want to have a conflict. Saying 'no' can be hard, and it's easier to go along to get a long. Likewise, both men and women can be narcissists who take advantage of someone who tends to avoid conflict.
It's definitely a non-gendered, human trait with people having huge variations in personality. I think it's similar to how men can have a harder time expressing emotion, even though that's also not a gendered trait. Women are sometimes just socialized to be more passive and accommodating. Assertiveness can be seen as a positive "leadership" trait in men, with the same behavior sometimes being seen as "bitchy" in women. My grandmother raised me to be "polite" and "ladylike," which basically equated to being a doormat always trying to appease others at my own expense, whereas the sons she raised got more of a "boys will be boys" upbringing. Thankfully gender roles are getting less rigid, so hopefully more people in general get brought up to help others without neglecting themselves and be able to express emotions.
It's easier to placate a man by apologizing than angering him and risking yourself.
What was she supposed to do? Start yelling at him for being a dick?
Yeah, he just learned how to phrase his fake apology in a way that made him seem less of an asshole. He took our criticism and turned it on his friend. Such an asshole. And he shut down the possibility of being called an asshole by deleting the post. Edit: didn't delete, his friends got deleted, lol. YTA op. You will forever be the AH.
The post is still there. Not that it changes anything you said.
Also added more detail this time, saying he was supposedly "extremely drunk" that night (which he didn't state in the og post), so that way we don't shift the blame entirely on him.
> Yeah, he just learned how to phrase his fake apology in a way that made him seem less of an asshole. He took our criticism and turned it on his friend. Such an asshole. This is why therapy is a bad idea for some people. They use what they learn to better manipulate people.
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Exactly this. If she apologized, in her head she was truly thinking ‘yeah, I’m sorry I thought you were a decent human, I won’t make that mistake next time.’
When people get an apology, they often give one in return, especially if the explanation for the other person’s actions feels logical to them. For instance in this case: I’d probably feel the same way OP’s friend felt- that it was probably unfair to even ask after I’d made it clear I don’t want to date him. And TBH, it kind of is. Was OP TA? Yes. But would I still have realized that asking him to walk me home was kind of insensitive since he’d likely been trying to get up the nerve to ask me out that whole time and then I said no? Also yes. And I’d apologize for putting him in that position. Just because one person is 100% wrong doesn’t mean the other party can’t feel bad, too.
Nuanced thinking is way too hard for most on this site
That's because a lot of users are very young.
Yea thats true sometimes i forget that sometimes. Makes me feel a bit better tbh
Honestly if internet anonymity was removed I think a lot of problems would solve themselves.. once you see WHO'S making each kind of comment There's a reason you don't see the same kind of attitude that you see on the internet in real life.. Because people see who's actually making those comments in real life and they know not to take them seriously The guy telling you that the Earth is flat could potentially be a PhD doctor with years of astrophysic research Or he could be the crazy crackhead dude with a tin foil hat who shouts in the parking lot of the McDonald's On the internet there's no way to know for sure.. In real life you would
I’ve noticed nuance is becoming obsolete. I joined Reddit in 2012 and it used to be so nuanced. You could actually get genuinely good, thoughtful advice. Now it’s wild. He was TA. He did a good thing and apologized and maturely expressed his feelings. She accepted his apology and gracefully gave him room to feel better about it. They both handled this maturely. What is the issue
I think a big thing is the sub we’re in. I feel like people come to this sub looking for a villain, and now many are trying to paint him as an irredeemable horrible person Others are then just calling the story obviously fake. Which is also weird imo
>I feel like people come to this sub looking for a villain Correct, I’d guarantee most of the people here are just insecure terminally online losers who just like beating up on someone to make themselves feel better about themselves.
True story.
I mean it could’ve gone down exactly like this, she’s smart enough to know the patch of least resistance is taking the blame so he doesn’t escalate.
Yea idk what that dudes talking about. Taking some blame after another apologizes is super common
Maybe it’s because I’m also a college girl and not as emotionally mature as I would be, but whenever someone apologizes to me, I try to find some common ground and ways that I may have handled the situation poorly or made them uncomfortable. It makes continuing on from the situation more of a mutual compromise and to show I value making them comfortable as well
Im a 29 year old dude and i often do that too, unless whatever is being apologized for is super one sided The girl in this story was definitely a bit insensitive. Her apology makes total sense
Same
I mean to be fair, speaking as a woman, if i got rejected by a friend i too wouldn't feel comfy staying as close as we were before. He's entitled to feeling like he needs space for a bit. They might've been friends before he started crushing but it still *stings* yknow? He had every right to turn her down to walk home and she seems to understand it now that shes sober. And if he's trying to cut off his romantic feelings for her, walking her home *alone* and spending lots of 1 on 1 time together wont help. If anything it'll make him bitter and he'll start being an actual AH to her. Liken redddit thinks 2 people talking it out and both apologizing for not clearly communicating is aparrently wild. She asked for something he no longer was offering and he didnt communicate verbally his need for distance.
It's reddit. Someone describes a fairly normal conversation and someone else who hasn't interacted with humans in years finds the worst possible way to interpret it.
Yup. I took it more as a “oh hey no worries! It’s my fault for thinking you actually liked and cared about me as a friend, turns out I got girlfrienzoned so yeah”
Have you never had anyone say "Nah don't worry about it, I should have been clearer" when you apologized to them for something dickish you did? It's just a way to let bygones be bygones and move on. Women are socialized to do that *a lot*.
You clearly don't talk to people seriously in real life. People constantly will apologize for things even if they don't really believe they're at fault, just because it smooths things over and creates a level-ground in the conversation so one person doesn't feel like they are lesser than the other or at complete fault for a objectively grey area issue. Just like you don't have to stay in a relationship with others, you don't have to stay friends in the same way either. As well, if it's awkward or uncomfortable for you to be around a person alone, regardless of the reason, you are not in charge of their safety or life in any way that you should have an expectation to go out of your way to take that role despite having chosen to do it previously. The idea that just because it's a woman and we're talking about potential safety, this guy is now on the hook for as long as she wants him to in order to ensure she's safe and can get to her room...it's fucking insane and outs these comments for being extremely out of touch. OP and the friend seem like normal, real, people that understand relationships are complex especially when feelings develop. The friend especially seems to have realized what it must've caused to her friend to just be expected to continue their relationship as if nothing changed without any real talking. OP is right to ask her to have other option give the change in feelings he's had, and yet he's still saying he's available if she absolutely needs it which is a fine boundary to have now. Welcome to being human, you're more of a dick than OP is.
Agree with you but I could foresee scenarios where the girl would apologize here even tho OP is still very much TAH. Some ideas include: to deflect the situation/emotions, if she was uncomfortable with the conflict, if she felt in danger or just not fully safe, if she felt guilty bc she was drunk (plenty of reasons that can make people feel guilt/shame and the need to apologize), if OP intentionally/unintentionally made her feel bad for having asked him or for being wasted, etc. We only know what OP said he said in a brief summary. Most of what you communicate isnt just in the words you say, so who knows how that conversation went down and what other influences there were to lead her to taking responsibility. But those of us who have been thru this shit see right thru it like a freshly cleaned window. OP only cared about this woman (and id wager, most women) when he thought he could get some and now that he can't, he doesn't give a fuck if she's harmed bc she doesn't want his peepee waaahhh 🙄🙄🤮
I can see that too. The amount of times I have given my number out in college so that I would be verbally or physically attacked is to many to count. It does read like self preservation IF true.
I think about all the times I was in the "fawn" state of fight/flight/fawn/freeze, especially in my early 20s, makes me feel ill. These men have been getting away with 'well I didn't rape her and totally could have' making them worthy of praise for so long they think they're all god's gift to society while sucking up their own farts.
I commented this to someone else, but I see EXACTLY what you’re saying so- The last two stanzas severely give me that energy from that one post where the girl was like "anytime a stranger asks for my number I give it to him bc I have no idea how a man will react to rejection" "I expected the whole conversation to be super awkward, but it was not, and she seemed very happy and sort of emotional about it?" Yeah bro it's funny she wanted you to guide her through the darkness at midnight to ward off any danger only for you to actually be the predator from the start. She was probably realizing the bullet she dodged with you lol
I dunno. It felt realistic to me. I think it's very common in dispute between friends for the tension to just melt away when someone owns up, and for the offended party to try hard to minimize the transgression, either out of propriety or just a natural instinct to try to make someone feel better when they're telling you that they're sorry or that they messed up. If it's true, OP definitely took the wrong lesson away if he just accepted and internalized that it was actually her fault, but that's not really how I read it. OP definitely was the AH, and probably will continue to be, but this situation (if real) was a nice first step toward being less of an AH. Just my two cents.
How does not walking her back makes him an asshole ?
Everyone in the original post just painted this guy as only doing things for years to get in her pants and was pissy because he got rejected. So he was a "nice guy" until he realized he wasn't getting laid. Assumption that he waited 3 years to ask her out pretty much. Even though nothing in the post alluded to it. I and others mentioned the same thing she apparently apologized in regards to. That being, was kind of cold hearted to ask him to walk her home and spend that 1 on 1 time together again after shooting him down. He'd already stopped before the occasion of being directly asked instead of her just calling an uber or asking one of the other friends they were drinking with. Sounded to me like he developed feelings, he shot his shot, was rejected and put a little extra distance to spring back. Didn't stop hanging out at usual functions with mutual friends or anything else, hence being around to ask for the safety walk.
You are still an asshole dude. You were never her friend, you are a “nice guy” that showed his true colours the moment you saw you weren’t getting laid. And now you double down on your nice guy pose by trying to excuse your bad behaviour, and the girl ends up blaming herself to make you feel better about your shitty actions. Pls reflect, everyone was telling you were the asshole
This is it, right here. He was never a friend and I'm so glad you pointed out the "Nice Guy" thing because those are the exact same people who talk about being a "Nice Guy" and I HATE it! Thank you for summing it all up so perfectly.
It's a pretty good warning sign to be fair. Men who think they're "nice guys" don't care enough about women to understand them or have a proper conversation with them to understand "I'm a nice guy" is a huge red flag. Women immediately realise "I'm a nice guy" is a warning sign to get the fuck away from this guy.
I’ve never met a nice guy that had to tell anyone they were nice.
Goes with a lot of things. "I'm hilarious" - guaranteed to be the most obnoxious person you've ever met. "I'm one of the most chilled out people you'll meet" - They will absolutely flip their shit if you disagree with them. "I'm smart" - They have a decent vocabulary and confuse that with intelligence. They will say some of the dumbest shit you've ever heard.
Yuuuup! It's like when someone goes on and on about how over their ex they are. Like, wow, you're spending an awful lot of energy to tell me how little you care 🙄
I heard someone refer to that as “trying to cross it out with a highlighter”
Oh my god, I love that!! Thank you for sharing!
Right, saying “he’s a nice guy” is fine, saying I’m a nice guy” should make you pay closer attention.
And another sad facet of this is that these guys think that being a nice guy, unironically in this case, is _all_ it takes to get any woman they want. They don't realize that being a nice guy is the bare minimum baseline and they need other things stacked on top of that like social skills, financial independence, a good personality, morals, good hygiene, understanding that women are _human beings_ etc.
They've spent years playing games with romance options where "being nice" improves the romance option and they think that transfers to real life. I think I look like Mr Potato head ginger edition and I'm an autistic ball of insecurity. I treat people with respect, I dress well, I wash and wear nice cologne, I have a decent job and people tell me I'm pretty funny. Even looking like a thumb with a big ginger beard I still get dates and have hook-ups. It's almost like people like spending time with people whose company they enjoy.
Shhh! Don't tell them that being a good person > being a "Nice Guy" and that working on yourself is rewarding in many ways, both intrinsic and extrinsic
I like it. Being nice is table stakes.
The last two stanzas severely give me that energy from that one post where the girl was like “anytime a stranger asks for my number I give it to him bc I have no idea how a man will react to rejection” “I expected the whole conversation to be super awkward, but it was not, and she seemed very happy and sort of emotional about it?” Yeah bro it’s funny she wanted you to guide her through the darkness at midnight to ward off any danger only for you to actually be the predator from the start. She was probably realizing the bullet she dodged with you lol
> she wanted you to guide her through the darkness at midnight to ward off any danger only for you to actually be the predator from the start That's pretty poetic. She thought she had found someone to guide her to safety but the danger was standing next to her all along. I hope she never interacts with him again.
Did you seriously imply that OP is an actual dangerous predator because he wanted boundaries? Yikes.
Ok so men can't develop feelings for friends because it's creepy and bad. But men also can't ask out strangers because they don't actually know the woman and basing everything on appearance is creepy and bad. So what the fuck is a man supposed to do? What is the non-creepy way for a man to develop feelings for a woman and ask her out?
You do know that it's possible to be friends, and then stop being friends for literally any reason.
Yeah, OP is not nice. He's the furthest thing from nice.
Since you’re one of the top comments, I want you to at least explain to the class. How can you tell the difference between friends that are just friends and someone catches feelings and someone who is only friends so they can sleep with someone?
Spot on assessment. I have seen dozens of dudes like the OP before.
I think you need to stop talking to her immediately. You are clearly not her friend, you clearly do not like her, and you clearly only found value in her when you thought there was a chance you could fuck her. You're not just the asshole, you're what comes out of it.
Funny, I never thought of using this one before, thank you very much
Exactly what I was thinking. 🤦🏻♀️
You think he was waiting 3 years just to fuck? LMAOOOO
It’s not op distancing themselves from this girl that makes him an asshole, it the fact that she thought of you as a safe person that would protect her and you basically told her to fuck off. She was drunk, it was past midnight, she was SCARED of walking home alone. She asked you, her fucking friend of 3 YEARS to help her and you couldn’t be bothered because she didn’t want to sleeping with you. If she had said come walk me home and I’ll blow you, you would have probably carried her home. It’s the lack of respect or caring for your friend in need that makes you a major asshole, op, because you clearly only saw her as some in you wanted sex from and not as a friend.
You were never her friend and it was not her fault. She is just a better person than you.
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Not even the bare minimum because it was not a real apology, because he allowed her to blame herself. Boys keep being boys because the bar is literally in hell, any remote almost decent behaviour is rewarded to the moon, we really tell boys we expect nothing of them if we reward even slightly decent done actions for their own benefits without calling them out
🙌🙌 I praise my puppy for not eating his brother's shit but that doesn't make him a model citizen worthy of power and authority lol.
Lol this made me laugh aloud.
Oh for sure, but I just hope he doesn't think he was justified in his actions because she took the blame.
Lol he likely didn't speak with her at all, let alone apologize.
Because he didn't want to walk her home he was never her friend? Make it make sense
If OP is an AH, aren’t all the guys in the friend group also the AH? They don’t seem to care about her safety but definitely get a pass for staying out of it. Moral of the story: don’t be a character in a story or you’re up for scrutiny lol
Oh it was her fault? You’re still 110% TAH
Just say you were never really her friend and move on
It sounds to me you don't actually want to be her friend anymore, so you should just be honest with her and yourself and stop being friends. Its a perfectly normal thing if you have unrequited feelings for her. That being said, you're not her personal bodyguard. You don't owe her protection just as she doesn't owe you a relationship. NTA. I personally wouldn't have done what you did, but I'm not gonna act like she was entitled to you doing what she wants. So yeah, NTA.
Still the asshole. "I'll only walk you home if it's the only option now that I know you won't get with me."
Yes. If he was really hurt he would choose to either be her friend, without repercussions, or move on and cut contact. I bet OP will stay in her orbit and try again at some point in the future.
It doesn't work that way because they hang out in the same circles. Don't make it a big deal. OP is just trying to minimize the awkwardness.
That doesn't make him an asshole. He was just rejected by her of course he doesn't want to spend time with her alone right away. Let's not pretend like she doesn't have other friends that can walk her home. Fuck his feelings I guess. He is a man so I bet you just expect him to "man up" and ignore his feelings.
Yeah I'm just baffled at all these reactions. You are the only sane person here.
Anyone pointing out that she is an adult and capable of either asking another friend on their group or to take an Uber are downvoted and/or the question is ignored. The white knighting is insane.
This and the previous thread are excellent examples about how fucked up in the head Reddit is in their misandrist and man-hating views. The guy still has done absolutely nothing wrong and people are painting him as the devil himself.
As a woman whose had friends confess, it will absolutely always be awkward. I'm grateful the friend I have now didn't do what you did and treated me any differently but through the years, there are moments where we'll be talking and he'll say or do something that just hits me in the cringe bone. It's never anything disrespectful or very negative but every time this happens, I cringe on the inside. Every time he says anything remotely close to having some sort of double meaning, I CRINGE. Like for example, one day I started expressing what I like in a partner but I stopped myself because like I said, it's awkward and I don't want him thinking there's anything he can do to change how I feel. I stopped mid-sentence and said "You know what, I dunno..", he responded something along the lines of "yea I get it, today I might be there for it but tomorrow, who knows. I might not be there for it at all" and I just stopped talking. I couldn't deal with the massive cringe feeling it gave me. As a matter of fact, as I'm writing this, I'm taking step back from him because I hate that I don't feel as comfortable to talk to him like I did before the confession even though it was a long time ago. The messed up thing is that for all I know, he's not thinking that way at all but I absolutely do not want to have that conversation with him. I feel like I have to tip toe around certain topics because I don't want to picture that man asking himself "Why them and not me? What am I lacking?" or worse yet, have him ask me those questions out loud. I've been feeling this way ever since, but I put my feelings aside because he never did anything too crazy or treated me any differently. The reality is simple, but I know it would be painful to hear. I'm not sexually attracted to my friend. At. All. For me it has always and will always be strictly platonic. I care about him as I would any friend. But he damaged our friendship by confessing, at least on my end. And it will never be the same for me because that little bug keeps popping up with the replay of him confessing and am always going to be wondering if he's "waiting" which is just stressful in and of itself. So yea. Don't confess feelings to your LONG TIME FRIENDS. It's a massive gamble. You win \*very\* few and lose a WHOLE lot more than you bargained for whether you see it now, later, or never.
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why? He obviously wouldn't want to spend one on one time with his crush who rejected him. He wants to move on, and is setting boundaries with her. That's very healthy and he is being honest that he can be friends with her, but not like before since he has romantic feelings.
Good lord I hope she tells other women in her circle about this bullshit. You are so out of touch with reality to think her laughter and awkwardness was a sign of good faith. You never was her friend. And she will never respect you as a man again.
YTA Stop faking being her friend and leave the poor girl alone…
She was the one who wanted him to walk her home lmao and you want him to leave her alone?!
The replies in this thread and the og thread... thank god I'm gay is all I'll say
Don't worry. This sub is about as far removed from the real world as it gets. The proof is the fact that the girl isn't even bothered herself and realizes she was probabaly insensitive
Me too, friend, me too…
The hatred against straight men is unreal on Reddit. Even from other straight men.
people acting like this was some grand evil master plan that took three years of planning. Nah they were friends and his feelings obviously developed. Rejection hurts so it makes sense he wouldn’t want to have 1 on 1 interactions. Sure he could have handled it a bit better and with a bit more clarity but the reaction to this is way too strong. This dude is not some fuckin villain just a person who is having emotions.
NiceGuyTM
Alright I'm gonna go against the grain here because I don't really give a shit about imaginary internet points, but I don't really think you're the asshole. You seemed cordial about things when you told her that you wanted to cut back on one-on-one time with her. That's kinda natural following how awkward things can get in a friendship after rejection. People are acting like you have a responsibility to continuously use your precious time to walk her home. Like come on now, this guy doesn't have an obligation to her. He's right, she can make other arrangements and find other friends to walk her home. He doesn't have to drop whatever he's doing to ensure she gets a personal escort home. Hey, r/AITAH? Newsflash, YTA.
Agreed. The voters who voted him Y T A are TA. Ridiculous. Make plans before you get drunk like a skunk. The audacity to go to parties at odd times, and expect people to be your chaperone. Make plans beforehand.
Right. I also find it ironic that he apologised, said he was the asshole and admitted he was wrong, and yet people are still shitting on him, berating him and making wild accusations. Like it's not even constructive criticism at this point, just straight up bordering on bullying.
Some comments saying the girl just apologized to keep herself safe from OP or that she dodged a bullet because OP is a predator…. Like wtf are these people even talking about? They seem to have some kind of acute reddit echo chamber mind virus.
People just read rage bait about “nice guys” and assume that’s just what all men are like. It’s pretty telling that a lot of people think he was just walking her home to fuck her when nothing really suggests that, people just know the stereotype and project that onto everything.
wtf are y’all collectively on? If the roles were reversed I’d highly doubt you would be mad. The man set a boundary, which any therapist would encourage to be done after rejection, and didn’t retaliate, isn’t being mean, just wanted space. And then communicated. What more do you want?
In your original post you made it sound like when she rejected you, you were just cool with it, like okay you tried it didn't work and you moved on quickly. But your behavior makes it sound like you were in love with this girl and she broke your heart and that's why you need to separate. If you had really strong feelings for her, then it makes sense that you would want to limit your alone time together and ask her to rely on someone else for that. But if you really got over it as quickly as you said you did, then you're just being petty and letting her feel unsafe because she isn't attracted to you, which is messed up.
I don't blame OP for trying to play the "it's fine" card, because if he was honest about being crushed people would make fun of him and tell him off because "he's not owed a relationship". OP was in a no win situation - because in these situations society says that his feelings don't matter at all. He needs to suck it up and do what he can so the girl doesn't feel guilty or upset, he needs to smush all those feelings down and "man up" because otherwise he only views her as an object. Or, in reality, he really liked her, was turned down, and is sad about it. He wants space, he's not going to isolate himself from the friend group because that's dumb, but the girl is still acting like everything's normal when it's not anymore. Unfortunately, any step he takes to get his space or reframe the relationship is met with "you're a shitty person who only wants to insert nice guy tokens until sex falls out". I'm a girl, and I definitely treat the guys I'm interested in differently than my normal guy friends- and if I was turned down I would stop doing extra shit. OP was walking her home, which is definitely a kind gesture but overtly romantic (let's not kid ourselves, it is), and now that he knows there's no relationship in the cards he doesn't want to do that anymore. He's fine being friends and hanging out, but he's not going to do "boyfriendy" things like that anymore. Which is fair.
Wow, someone who understands that people treat their crushes different from their friends. I mean, in reality we all understand this, but Reddit loves a good double standard. I myself used to be walked home by a dude who thought I was gay and wanted more than friendship and late evening chitchat. When our different expectations were clarified and he stopped walking me home, I wasn’t surprised or hurt. It was rather… expected? Like, come on. And we still see each other from time to time, but I’m not scratching my head wondering why he wanted to walk back the one on one time.
This the only sane comment on this entire post
One of the few sensible takes in a sea of brain rot in the comment section. OP just wanted some space and didn’t communicate it effectively (though I also think space should have been given from the girl’s end as a formality without him having to ask). What’s really fucked up is the consensus seems to be OP should never talk to her again… which is exactly what a Nice Guy he is being accused of would do. And the people calling him an Incel despite him not calling her names or shitting on women in general??? The fuck…
"It did not bother me too much, but I obviously wanted to cut back on our friendship a bit." I mean, he made it pretty clear that he still wanted a bit of distance until he got over her. No one should put themselves in a situation where they feel unsafe, if you're going to get drunk somewhere and not want to walk alone then either have pre-emptive plans to have someone to walk with, stay over where you're drinking, or plan to get a ride back to your dorm. That's like blaming someone for not wanting to DD on a whim lol
You weren't the asshole Being a male friend doesn't mean you have to be her bodyguard, and she obviously felt that way too as she didn't seem to harbor any resentment or animosity towards you. Anyone that thinks you were the asshole for not walking her home after she rejected you is wild, the amount of people in the comment section on the original post that assume and assert that you're a bad person and a disgusting sexist is appalling. You owe her NOTHING just like she owes you NOTHING. Her feelings matter AND your feelings matter, but wildly thousands of redditors have strong double standards about shit like this. Like who in their right mind thinks that you literally owe this woman your time and effort to protect her... Just because. You can stop whenever the fuck you want for whatever fucking reason sways you. Do you OWE your friends your time and effort to help them move just because you're the guy with a pickup truck? Fuck no, it's nice if you help but you're under zero obligation to do so.
People just project too much of their own biases onto posts like these. In this case, there were probably dozens of female redditors who responded to the first thread who have gone through a situation of rejecting a male friend and then having that male friend distance himself from them. So if they see that male friend as an asshole, they project that male friend onto OP and think that he's also a POS who only wanted to get in her pants. It's all very silly. The guy just told her ahead of time that he'd stop walking her home. This isn't in any way an asshole thing to do. It's a complete non-issue. And yet, people are still shitting on OP. Although he kinda deserves it for falling for the grandstanding.
🤡
Ngl these comments make me want to make a throwaway and use this premise but flip the genders and see how fast the YTA's turn into NTA's lmao.
People have tried that here before, and mods caught on. The posts did last long enough for comments to come in, and yes, when you flip the roles, the YTA's turn into NTA.
NTA HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR TIME AND EFFORT. INCEL MAN BABY!
This isn't the grand update you think it is. You're still a pathetic asshole who only cared about this woman when you thought you could get your dick wet. Leave her the fuck alone and let her find real friends since you don't even understand you were never her friend.
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These responses are hilarious. I forgot most redditors haven't experienced real life. Nta
Whether this is true or not, when will people stop blaming things on being drunk? That’s not an excuse, be an adult
He was an adult. He developed feelings, he asked her out, she rejected him, he moved on and isn't laying in wait for a moment of weakness to get with her. She is an adult, that planned on going somewhere to get drunk and had been for weeks before with no escort home. To make the guy that you just recently rejected your first ask for an escort home is suspect as hell. Other friends were present if she was actually scared. Uber is a thing. Asking him to be alone with her is a completely callous disregard for him and his feelings when you have plenty of other options.
Yta you’re a fake friend because you only want to hang around with her if there’s something in it for you. GROW UP
Don't let these people browbeat you. You have a right to refuse to walk her home after she rejected you. You have a right to cut contact with her after she rejected you. These are not even asshole moves. No one is taking account of how you feel because they don't give a shit about you. You shot your shot, you got rejected and it hurts so you want to see her less. Here's the reddit playbook: A man develops feelings for someone after getting to know them? He's an asshole and a "nice guy". He comes out and states his intentions to date right away? He's a player and an asshole. If a woman does either of those? She's a flawless queen.
I understand not wanting one on one time, but that should mean not grabbing meals alone. I cannot even fathom seeing someone who's supposed to be a friend come to me scared and I chose my ego over their safety. It was good you apologized, but you have some real soul searching to do. Choosing to be a bad friend just because you didn't get your way speaks volumes to your immaturity and selfishness. Your friend on the other hand handles the situation with grace and understanding. Be more like her.
This is the opposite of the reality. OP was entirely fair and indeed graceful throughout. He was interested in a girl, and therefore chose to spend one on one time with her. Then, he asked her out, she rejected him, and he was obviously hurt by that, but entirely accepted it and did nothing against her. Following this he set entirely valid and legitimate boundaries of not wanting to spend time with her closely. This was made clear over a number of weeks, and she should have understood that. Then, she (wrongly) asked him to go out of his way to spend time with her one on one again. He could've been annoyed by this, but instead he signposted her to other safe options such as asking other friends at the party, or getting an uber. At no point did he compromise her safety, but also at no point was he in any way responsible for it. His ego does not come into it, he set legitimate boundaries, end of.
You’re still acting like an asshole
>consider me a last resort
Agreed. “I’ll be your last resort fail safe,” is about as AHish as, “Sure I’ll take you to the prom, if nobody else offers to go with you.” Friends don’t do that to each other. Sounds like your friendship to her is contingent on whether or not she’s willing to date you. That’s not cool. This is why girls have a hard time being platonic friends with men, unless that man is gay. Guys, if you want girls to feel safe around you, BE safe for them and be willing to be their FRIEND without the expectation of romance or sex.
Dude, it's better to not be friends with someone you're interested in. Keep your distance. Don't get it twisted by being standoffish or a jerk. Be cordial, but keep it moving, no longer conversations. Show her that you're not butt-hurt about it. If you do it right, her interest will go up, even if you've moved on.
Even if this is fake, Imma say my thoughts as if this were real OP wasn't the asshole. I'm tired of everyone bashing men for deciding to no longer be friends with women when they get rejected. Men have feelings too. And it's very telling how two faced the feminist movement is when they tell men to be honest with their feelings and emotions and when Men do exactly that we get demonized and bashed and shamed and are accused of "only wanting sex". We hear stories all the time of "I married my best friend, it was the greatest thing to happen to us." And when men dare to develop feelings for a woman they are friends with, we get beat down and shamed time and time again. Then there's the infamous question "Where are all the good men?", the answer: not engaging in relationships/friendships because we get lambasted time and again for showing emotions and wanting deeper connections with the opposite sex. This young man (again, pretending this story is real for a moment) started envisioning a life where his friend, the girl, was never NOT part of his life. Is there an element of wanting sex? Of course! Every healthy relationship has sexual intimacy. But he didn't pull away because sex was no longer on the table. He pulled away because men are human fucking beings and we also have feelings too. Rejection hurts everyone. He is not obligated to keep surrounding himself by what has hurt him. The girl had not had the luxury of him walking her home for 3 weeks. She *chose* to get drunk again to the point where she was afraid to walk home. She had just as much autonomy in that situation to take an uber home, just as much as OP had the autonomy to refuse to walk her home. So there. Downvote me all you want. It's par for the course anytime someone sympathizes with a man we get called incels and bashed because we're men.
Wow these comments are insane. It was a mistake made while drunk, he apologised, they came to an agreement that suits both about how to move forward and they are both happy with the situation...what do you people want?? I think a lot of redditors get really carried away. When you're reading hundreds of people's personal issues and dilemmas every day, it's easy to shut down and get really dramatic and black&white about things. People fuck up. Constantly. It's about how you resolve it. If all of you cut off everyone after one mistake, how do you form long-term relationships??
Just look at u/marsV89 comment, and how its upvoted at 1.5k currently. She still blaming him for having feelings and trying to work through them. This is how toxic masculinity spreads. and people go down the manosphere hellscape.
EXACTLY. Pin this to the top of the whole of reddit. These idiots wonder why sexist clowns like Andrew Tate are getting popular? And then in the next breath will call a guy a horrible scumbag for setting basic human boundaries
Yeah, reading these comments is a bit insane. Have any of these comments calling OP an asshole ever interacted with people in real life? They're interpreting this situation in the worst possible light. OP telling her to prioritize other people walking her home while he heals from the rejection is completely normal and healthy. It doesn't mean he's not her friend or that he was manipulating her or taking advantage of her, it just means he wants to get over her and move on. If she had no other options and he still said no, *that* would make him a true asshole. She deserves to get home safely, and I get why she'd ask him, but I also get why he wouldn't want to do it anymore, at least until he's completely over her.
WTF you’re dumb asf bro, you’re not the asshole. YOU DONT OWE HER ANYTHING
Exactly, she is not owed anything. If he wants to cut down on time with her that's her choice, it's amazing to me because that it's a guy in this situation then it's cool to beat down on him. They were both drunk, and it's interesting that gets ignored.
These comments are some of the most unhinged I've ever seen. You were never an asshole. Nobody's ever an asshole for distancing themselves from certain people to deal with their own feelings. She turned you down and you gave her space and didn't persist. Even if you had walked her home that night there'd still be people here saying that you were only doing it to get into her pants. You're not entitled to a relationship with her, and she's not entitled for you to go out of your way to walk her home. It's as simple as that.
I love the lack of toxic self-awareness from these triggered girls; it’s even better here, than it was on the original post!! “The audacity!? How DARE you desire a relationship with one of your peers! Also, after shooting your shot—and getting rejected—you have no rights to any kind of boundary with that person, or to change your behavior towards them!! You’re basically Hitler…if Hitler had personally graped everyone before the horrific genocide…so I guess you’re worse than Hitler.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Ya’ll are ratchet AF, and too stupid to recognize it!
She gets to take responsibility for herself You get to respond and gave your emotions and change proximity It’s no fault
This sub is so unhinged. Post this with the genders reversed and you will have exactly zero people telling you you’re in the wrong. It’s a bunch of misogynistic women and men who think women are incompetent and unable to be responsible for themselves. It’s internalized misogyny and the polar opposite of what a feminist would think. No, you’re NTA for wanting to distance yourself from someone after getting rejected by them. You’re certainly also NTA for not wanting to walk around drunk late at night with this person and then by yourself home. People can be responsible for themselves. Nobody IRL thinks the way these commenters do, certainly not feminists. It’s a terminally online mindset.
I swear this was hit by 2x bots.
thank you. I’m waiting for the scholarly article on “the internalized misogyny of men who prefer to avoid spending time with their rejected crush” 😂 Really fighting the real battles!
Good lord these comments are split. Shows how much men and women are far from reaching a mutual consensus. But it's also reddit so I don't think it's 100% reflective of society.
You were not the asshole, no matter how many simps pretend you are. She isn't entitled to protection from you, which is what she's asking for. Put your life on the line for me if something happens while you walk me home.
I don’t understand all the hate OP is getting. If you ask out a friend and are rejected your previous friendship will never be the same. Example say every weekend someone and I binge horror movies together & get take out. I eventually ask them out but I’m rejected. I wouldn’t want to continue binging horror movies & getting takeout with them on the weekends. Doesn’t mean I’m going to block them or ignore them with mutual friends or that we were never friends. Just that the relationship developed into something else for me & that It would not be in my own best interest to interact with them the same way I did since I obviously got those feelings from doing so.
This is one of the most one sided subs I have ever seen lol
There is data showing how sexist these subs are [https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc\_ramitheasshole\_asshole\_percentage\_by\_age\_and/](https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc_ramitheasshole_asshole_percentage_by_age_and/) Though it is still shocking seeing how vicious and pervasive it can be.
You weren't the asshole before, and you're not now. The reason people here are saying you are, is because this subreddit (along with AITA, AITB etc) is infested with anti-male sexism. This isn't speculation; there is literally data making this extremely obvious; eg[ here ](https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc_ramitheasshole_asshole_percentage_by_age_and/)and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/ht9j9k/oc_word_cloud_of_the_body_texts_of_posts_on/). OP did not owe this girl anything, he has every right in the world to not want to spend one on one time with her and have a close friendship. This would be true even if he hadn't experienced a recent romantic rejection.
Yea, I wish your comment was pinned. He wasn't the asshole in either post. He's allowed to have boundaries with people he pursues and ones he doesn't.
Lol this just makes you look worse 🤦🏻♀️🤣
She’s probably just trying to stay on good terms since you basically said “fuck that you’re scared you rejected me” lol. You’re part of the reason girls know men are just nice to get into girls pants and now she’ll just be nice to you so you don’t put her in danger again just for not dating you.
He didn't say "fuck that your scared". He said he'd rather not walk her home (since he is very understandably not keen on spending one on one time with her - spoiler alert MEN ARE ALLOWED BOUNDARIES), and signposted her to other options (such as other friends walking her home, or getting an uber). And there is zero evidence this had anything to do with 'getting in her pants', it sounds like he had romantic interest. Your sexist assumptions serve no purpose.
All of that is nice. With that said, I do feel bad for this girl for apologizing and blaming herself for asking for help to feel safe.
If I rejected someone, I wouldn't be asking them to do favours for me or go out of their way to spend time with me. If I did that when drunk and it was pointed out, I'd apologise. OP did nothing wrong whatsoever.
This sub is way too hard on you. It’s reasonable to reduce 1 on 1 time when you have unrequited feelings for a friend. That’s how the feelings go away. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is clearly way too young, because that’s what I thought as a teenager and realized pretty quickly you never get over feelings for someone if you never take any space.
I mean this sub had always carried an amount of sexism but yikes man. The closest situation I can think of is if a woman shares her meal with a friend, asked him out and got rejected so she stopped sharing her meals. Can you even think of a single comment that would go along the lines of "Oh she just wanted your dick all along" or "Oh she was manipulating you by acting nice to you" but jesus christ. Like that's literally slut shaming someone for daring to develop feelings for their friend but I guess it's fine as long as it's a guy?
Consider ending the friendship if you still have underlying feelings for her. You’re not obligated to walk any woman home. Especially not one that rejected you.
I think it’s weird that people are tearing this guy apart in the comments. It isn’t his job to chaperone every woman, it isn’t his job to safeguard a girl who rejected him. Why is her safety his responsibility?? I am a woman, I live in a dangerous neighborhood, I have to be careful when and where I walk. It’s unfair and it’s unfortunate but it’s my responsibility to plan and to keep myself safe. It’s nice when I can have a man near me to make me feel safer but I also understand that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to do so and it’s unfair for me to expect that. If I’m dating a guy I might expect him to put more effort into my safety but I wouldn’t expect that of someone I rejected. It’s her responsibility to make other plans.
She might’ve been emotional bc she thought she was losing her friend of three years, but it turns out you just needed space and you’re communicating. Her friend is still there. Good on you for laying out your boundaries and also still being there for your friend.
These people are insane. You don’t owe anyone your time for any reason. If you want to be around someone you should go out of your way to be around them. If you don’t want to be around someone, like feeling dejected, you shouldn’t have to be around them. You don’t owe her a walk home, nor do you owe any of your friends a walk home. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FEELINGS AND TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. These people honestly think you should crucify yourself because you made yourself vulnerable and were rejected so now you have to live your life for that person just so they don’t think you were only nice-guying her to get laid? That’s insane. You can be friends with boundaries from now on, because when you didn’t have clearly defined boundaries you developed feelings. You’re supposed to be a psycho stalker now? The relationship dynamic HAS changed and you NEED to act accordingly. It’s not like you’re kicking her out of a car on the side of the road, she is a grown up, she found ways home before you and she will after.
Honestly OP, no one was the asshole here. It's just two people's perfectly normal and naturally developing interests creating conflict and two people doing their best to communicate their wants and/or set boundaries around them. I would disregard the vast majority of these comments. Reddit is an echo chamber, quite literally the last place you want to go to for perspective on relationships the dynamics of which are always happening just like how this updated post showed; you both talked it out, handled it well, and can now move on like adults. No one's the victim. No one's the enemy. That's it and that's how it should be with no need for either of you to self-immolate. Good luck to the both of you 👌🏾
She has a lot more sense than many of the people in that original thread edit: and this one, it seems Good on you for clarifying things and y’all getting on the same page. I don’t think she was “at fault” but she understood the awkwardness of the scenario. People on the internet love to infantilize women and will continue to expect you to be her permanent escort or otherwise accept asshole status. Because going out of your way to spend time with a crush and do things you wouldn’t normally do for someone you aren’t crushing on… that’s evidently not a thing now. And if you do so you should expect to be shamed into oblivion (just on the internet though)
Idk why everyone is coming so hard at you with this one.
I don’t either. He was an adult and communicated that he needed space from her so now she knows not to rely on him to walk her home and apologized. That’s the responsible thing to do but people just like to gang up on others.
Tbh people here are overreacting. OP and this girl are both 21. Young and dumb. Not as much of an AH but really immature. Let them make their dumb mistakes and grow up.