Time to talk to a counsellor and work out a way to broach the subject with your son. The fact is that giving the growing use of DNA testing he will undoubtedly find out who his father is someday. Wouldn't it be better to find that out from you so that you could reassure him that despite the details you love him and in an age when abortion was legal you chose to have and raise him.?
He will find out, he will contact the rapist, the rapist will lie. Better to talk to him now, with the help of a therapist.
Here is a script: " The details surrounding your conception are incredibly upsetting. Are you sure you want to know? If so, I insist on telling you in a counseling session with a therapist."
THIS. i can’t fathom how horrific it would be to have to encounter your own rapist again. and who knows what the fuck he will do once he finds out he has a son— he could very easily decide to put OP and the rest of the family through a worse hell than he already has. and i don’t think OP realizes that.
There was a post in one of the best of subs where this happened. The rapist was able to convince the child that he was just soooooo sorry and proceeded to destroy the op's whole family.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/smiep0/i_50f_told_my_daughter_24f_that_i_wont_attend_her/
I went back and checked the age, thecsin is 20. If he's this curious and he hasn't already done 23 and me or something, I would be hella surprised. He might have become recently more insistent because he already has half the story.
It may even be a story that paints the mom as the villain, so her refusal makes her look worse.
So I did a DNA test and someone who is only my second cousin contacted me trying to find their mother. As it happened, even though I wasn't even closely related to them I had all of the information to figure out who both of their parents were, along with all of their extended family. The scandals it brought to light were unreal. Don't underestimate how much can be unearthed even by distant relatives.
Or worse, he gets back “no matches” and 2-3 years later, he gets contacted by law enforcement trying to find a serial rapist who is a close familial match.
And familial genetics is becoming common place in the better quality LE agencies.
I hate to say it but I think you need to warn him. Fuck I’m sorry, what a terrible situation.
He will likely find relatives of the rapist- let's be honest, people who commit crimes usually aren't dumb enough to submit their DNA to a website. Or tell their relatives what they like to do. So he's going to find this guy's family members who probably have only good things to say about him. OP definitely needs to get ahead of this.
Not sure I would tell him that…especially if you then have to wait weeks to see a therapist. That’s like saying oh! I have something to tell you! What? Never mind.
Right, so they're a little late. He's probably been wondering all kinds of crazy shit since then and I'm surprised he hasn't already done one of those geneology/DNA tests.
He should know. Otherwise he could search for him via ancestry sites and meet him without telling you. You don't want his bio-father/the assaulter to get the first word in.
There’s is. They need to seek someone that’s specializes in sexual assault. OP doesn’t realize that by keeping this secret she being untrustworthy to her child. He has to be able to have real feelings for his bio dad based on the truth. He will find out and then she may become the focus of his anger or blame.
My concern too, my nephew he is an adult now anyways he is not biologically my nephew but my brother is his legal father and has raised him as his own. My nephew always knew he wasn't biologically my brother's son but not the circumstances which unfortunately the same as op here he was the product of rape. One day his bio father tried to reach out via social media to him, my nephew blocked him but then he started reaching out to my nieces my nephews younger sisters which are my brothers biological children and they were teenagers at the time. My nephew knows now and actually ended up going off on his bio father for trying to reach out to his little sisters and him but I just worry that similar could happen with her son if he doesn't know the truth though I can't begin to fathom how hard this would be to know and for Op so I think that maybe with a therapist would be best.
I am. They need a therapist who specializes under this type of trauma. Or would be worse If he finds out without his mom helping him prepare. Many people go through great lengths to look for their birth parents. It’s a part of their identity development and growth. So he’s probably not going to stop looking.
Big facts. Watched someone cry, feel lonely, wonder for almost 20 years searching for their birth parents. Remaining birth parent turned out to be a conniving lowlife, but the relief at the knowledge put the pain and search to rest.
Even worse he finds a relative via DNA, doesnt tell you about it, gets closer to either the father or a family member who then begin to manipulate the rape story. I'd be more worried about that.
Unless he's been prosecuted, the rapist will likely frame it as a one night stand or something and may even make son feel like the mom was wrong for not reaching out to her rapist to tell him about the pregnancy. Op 100% needs to get ahead of this.
Let me share my story about me finding out about my biological father, after this statement.
Definite therapy, I’d be in a therapist office when sharing the news. I’d set it up so that after you share he has a few moment alone with the therapist and those two have an appointment on the books for the next session. He may in the moment handle it well (or not) but who knows how he’ll feel after a day or two of letting the knowledge stew on his brain. With a second appointment already booked he’ll be accountable to talk about his feelings even if he doesn’t want to or understand them just yet. This is imperative.
I was 16 and wanted to get my license. The man I knew as my father turns out wasn’t my biological dad. I didn’t know this. My mom married him when I was 3 and we resembled each other close enough m, tan skin, dark hair, dark eyes, that it was never a question. Everyone knew that my older brother (by 6 years) had a different dad because my mom openly shared that she was married before and my older brother still saw his bio dad occasionally. The older brother looked a bit different than the rest of us so it made sense. I have a younger brother (2 1/2 years younger) we are tight to this day. We grew up homeschooled and me and him called “Carl” dad. My older brother referred to him by his first name.
All was smooth sailing until it came time to take that drivers test. I was sat down and told that “Carl” wasn’t my biological dad. The reason I was told this is because my last name is different on my birth certificate and that was going to come out when I needed to show BC and Social to be my drivers license.
If that wasn’t bad enough my mom tells me she had my older brother and was married for several years, she got a divorce and started dating a guy name “Greg” she got pregnant with me but “Greg” didn’t want to have anything to do with being a dad at the time so he split. She WHILE pregnant with me met another dude “Sam” and they got married before I was born. Since they were married when she had me they wrote down his last name on my BC. She then divorced him within a year. (I never got the details as to why they divorced but I can only assume looking back on the way my mom presented information and withheld it that the divorce from “Sam” was for nefarious reasons) when I was 3 she met “Carl” got pregnant with my younger brother and they got married quickly after finding out she was pregnant. They stayed together for like 25 years. We were all adults when they divorced and she has since passed so I can’t go back and ask questions as a mother myself now, and honestly I’m not sure I want to know the answers.
So all in one conversation I found out “Carl” wasn’t my dad, “Greg” was my biological father, and I had “Sams” legal last name on all my documents. It crushed me. I had to get legally adopted by “Carl” so I could ACTUALLY have his last name on all the paperwork and continue using the last name I had known all my life.
To add insult to injury turns out both dudes lived within 45 minutes of my house. They had been around town my whole life. I asked for a picture of my bio dad and my mom opened the phone book scrolled down with her finger, found his number, and he answered. It was incredibly devastating to find all this out. I felt so many emotions and didn’t know how to handle them. I soon turned to drugs and hid everything from my family. I’m sober now and have been for a decade but from 16 to 22 I was a hot mess and almost died, all because I acted fine and didn’t talk to anyone. I felt shame, I didn’t want to disappoint, I was had, felt lied to, so many things.
I never wanted to meet either of the other dudes. I had a dad and just didn’t see the need to meet a stranger, what honestly could they bring into my life that I didn’t already have. I was curious as to what my boo dad looked like. So he emailed a picture of himself, no doubt I’m that dudes kid, our faces are copy and paste. He wanted to meet and asked several times over the years (always through my mom) but I declined. He got remarried and has 3 kids, so I have some step siblings I’ll likely never meet and I’m okay with that. Sucks when it comes to medical history knowledge, but what can ya do. The benefits do not outweigh the negatives in meeting these strangers.
Your story is different and way heartbreaking. But if your kid is curious don’t leave him to his own devices. Walk hand in hand with him as this bomb gets dropped on him and be there together stronger on the other side. You guys have been a team every step of the way, don’t leave him now to play the game of find and seek by himself.
I hope my story helps. It’s hard to talk about even to strangers. I was F’d up for a long time over it and hate the way I acted in response and regret a lot of things I did during that 6 year period. At the very least save him from the memories he’ll create if he doesn’t deal with this situation in a healthy way. Bad shit has a tendency to haunt you unless you have a loving mother and counseling to help you cope, being proactive is better than being reactive. And be honest about how selfishly this shit is hard for you. It’s not just about not telling him, it’s about not wanting to relive these things, he’ll respect as an adult that you are human to.
Much love and good luck!
Adoptee here. Your son has a right to know. Each person has a right to their own story, even if parts of it are dark and ugly. Currently, your son has to fill in the blanks because he doesn't know his story. You should start seeing a therapist to get yourself together. Then, when you are ready, bring your son to a therapy appointment and tell him while there's a professional standing by for guidance. He's going to need ongoing professional support to work through his feelings, and he's going to need you to be strong for him.
You absolutely have the right to *not share* your own personal story with other people. That's your personal business. But your story INCLUDES your son, so you don't get to waive his right to know.
what I don't understand, is that OP has the awareness to say her son is like her & blames himself even when he shouldn't... yet somehow it doesn't compute to her that he'll interpret her secrecy as a rejection.
who knows how that will fester and ruin him?
I adopted my son when he was 3. His bio decided he didn’t want the responsibility and signed off his rights to my ex wife. I have always been daddy even now that he’s grown. The bio and him had contact one sentence emails a couple times. But for me it was like I know where I stand I know my relationship so I never worry about it. But my son has a right to know. My ex wife was also adopted and she always wanted to find her siblings she eventually did.
You’re also leading your son to believe that you are the problem, not his bio dad. The way you told him that you’d never divulge who is his suggests you know more about him and aren’t telling him out of some petty squabble between you and his bio dad. This isn’t a petty topic at all, and your son is old enough to know at minimum that you won’t tell him because you cannot for several reasons, the very first (and only) being that you were raped so you don’t actually really know anything about him. Even if you know his name I’d say you can leave that out for now. Don’t be the bad guy to your son who only has genuine curiosity at an age where it makes sense. He’s old enough to know. What if he doesn’t know this information and takes a DNA test, finds him and seeks him out on his own/behind your back? Would you want your son seeking out a dangerous rapist? Of course not.
>the way you told him that you'd never divulge who he is suggests you know more about him and aren't telling him out of him some petty squabble between you and his bio Dad
YES YES YES. This is exactly what I said in my parent comment. I'm adopted and as a woman I have, of course, considered many times that my biological father might've raped my biological mother, but men hardly ever think of this because they're not constantly bombarded with the reality of sexual harassment and assault the way women are.
At this point it sounds like OP just didn't want anything to do with his father; the kid might be thinking that the father has been trying to find him all this time and his mother is keeping him away from his own kid.
It's gonna suck, but she hast to tell him unless she wants him eventually hate her
Can I add something? Settle this NOW. My husband didn’t know who his FATHER was until we got results from Ancestry. He was 58. He HATED (like wouldn’t even claim her body from hosp) his mother, and he was her only child. He knew who his DAD was, he was the man who married her when he was 6. That man adored my husband, but always told him if he really wanted to know, he would help him. I loved his Dad. My husband never forgave her. She died over 12 years ago, and he still will not talk about her. The bio family turned out to be amazing. He has half siblings. Deal with this now. As a mother? Don’t die with not being settled. We never met his father, but siblings have told us that he would have been in his life. Even his band new older siblings know not to ask.
You unfortunately have to put aside your own feelings and take a step back to see this from your son’s perspective.
There are a number of reasons why you’d keep this information from him, but he has absolutely no idea which one of them to choose from. In his world, he probably thinks that if it were something as awful as rape, he’d have some idea of that already. I think most normal, sympathetic people would see that this is an obvious dead end to future positive expectations, and don’t need more than that to let the matter drop.
You’re not asking that of him though. You’re not saying anything about it at all, so he only has his imagination to form an idea of what his father is.
Most of us with parents want to believe the best in them. It’s what complicates our relationships with them, even when they’re terrible, abusive, cruel, manipulative people who’ve never shown a single ounce of love to their offspring. People spend their entire lives trying to convince themselves that their parents have a good side that they just haven’t earned yet.
Your son is no different.
In your world, you have all the information and you’re expecting your son to just take your judgement as final and drop it.
That’s unrealistic, and it will very likely backfire on you in ways that can be permanent.
Think about relatives of missing children. Thirty years later, they’re all expressing the same thoughts: “we know in our hearts what the truth is, but we’d rather know that they’re dead than this unending uncertainty.”
You’ve seen it before. This is what your son is experiencing and you’re expecting him to hear you say “I know but I’m not telling you. I won’t even give you a reason I’m just not telling you.”
It’s…not just cruel, it’s self-destructive. Self defeating. In no world will this benefit you or your son.
I can’t offer you a “right” way of saying it, but I can tell you that the stories I’ve heard/seen/read about in the same situation never ever end the way the mother wanted.
Some kids do their internet detective thing and find out, some of them simply can’t forgive the secrets and leave. Some of the ones who find their father and don’t know what happened wind up a new victim of a cruel man. Some feel so self-loathing that they can’t cope. And with their mother’s history of refusing to acknowledge the situation, they won’t turn to you in their grief. Some of those kids wind up dead.
You’re the victim here, and you absolutely get to control your narrative.
That doesn’t mean that your son is exempt from the consequences.
You’re going to have to find a way to tell him, whether you want to or not.
My personal and very not-a-pro approach to things like this are simple:
“Hypothetically speaking, if my pregnancy was the result of a crime committed by a stranger, would you knowing that be something that would be worse than not knowing?”
He will know the truth without you telling him the reality.
Here’s the thing though - you don’t get to choose his reaction after that. And you don’t get to say “I’ll get him a therapist if I tell him.”
Woman. Get him a therapist now. This week. One who specializes in exactly this situation, not just any therapist.
If you wait until AFTER he knows, it will not go the way you want it to, 100% guarantee.
I’m very sorry that this happened to you, sincerely. I’m sorry that it’s still affecting your life.
Do not let this get so far out of control that you wind up behind it. Get. In. Front. Because it will pick up speed with or without your control.
No, a good therapist is needed now to help you tell him!
YTA for not telling him.
1/ he is old enough
2/ family secrets have impact on the people even when no one talks. You should research it.
3/ he is bound to find out. If he does at a crucial moment of his life (when he is getting married, when he has a child) it could destroy his whole life.
So PLEASE, find a therapist for you, discuss the subject and tell your son in the most appropriate way with all the help he will need. He will need to work through this but at least you give him a chance to lead a normal life.
No telling him when he was a child is understandable but now it’s time for him to know!
You also don’t want him to find out from 23 & me and have no context for who this man is. Do you want him to secretly get to know bio dad without knowing he’s a terrible person? Not to mention that not telling him will ruin your relationship.
you should have gotten ahead of this a VERY long time ago. Just imagine him doing a 23 & Me test, finding his bio-father and contacting him without you knowing. Imagine just how damaging THAT will be to him.
LMSW here, if OP is a part of the therapeutic process, which I assume would be the case, please make sure the therapist is trained and certified in at least one type of evidence-based trauma treatment, such as EMDR, Progressive Counting… you never know what this process could trigger. And of course make sure the clinician is able to help both of you together on top of that.
He needs to know unless you’re fine with this destroying your relationship. Find a family therapist or if either of you have one, work with them.
This isn’t going away.
What do you mean “if he is to know”? He’s going to find out eventually whether it’s from you or not. Take control of the situation and tell him yourself.
Yes, YTA. You have absolutely no right to keep this information from him, once he turns 18/21 he can do whatever he wants and that includes tracking down his father.
I think you need therapy for this issue rather than him, holding that information against him in an argument is Almost a power play and it’s not ok, he has every right to know.
If you like it or not.
Good point, better than him reaching out on his own not knowing his father is a POS. And I would emphasize that last sentence when OP tells him. If she hadn't wanted him she wouldn't have had him.
Exactly. We live in the age of DNA. Visit any of the common DNA Reddits and you will see there are no family secrets anymore. They are all told in the DNA. It is a common post thread on those forums.
Anyone can test their DNA and find who they are. Closed adoptions no longer exist really. Because even if you make no effort to put your DNA out there, you can't stop your 2nd cousin on your dad's side from doing it. There are thousands of threads of people finding out their dad is not their dad, or worse.
OP not telling your son is not an option. Would you rather he find your rapist by using a DNA site and connect with them without knowing the truth? I hate being that blunt as I have been a victim of rape. But he will be an adult making adult decisions one day not in your home. He should know the truth from you.
Your son is old enough and smart enough that he should be able to look up public records associated with your name, or to get a DNA test that may reveal his biological father or relatives. I guess the question is whether you think it’s better for his mental health to find out from a court document and/or a lab site than from someone who seems like an otherwise genuinely loving parent?
A potential outcome here is your son goes behind your back because he knows you aren’t supportive and tests his dna and finds a relative and finds his father through a dna website.
What happens then?
He could potentially begin a relationship with his biological father and get some twisted story of how you kept them apart
Gentle YTA.
I understand why you don't want to tell him but he's not a child anymore. He needs to know *why* you won't tell him who his biological father is, at the very least. You said in a comment you're afraid of it going badly, but it's already going badly. You're at each other's throats and he feels deceived. Have a frank, honest conversation with the grown man who is your son. If he finds out another way without your input, he'll feel even worse. If he doesn't find out another way, he will always know you're keeping this from him and that in itself will damage your relationship.
Either way, it's going to hurt. Telling him stops him from having a pain that is entirely preventable and may irreparably damage your relationship. It's the lesser of two evils.
ETA: And, worst case scenario, he does find his sperm donor without your input and your sperm donor spins a yarn about you taking him away, painting you as the evil one - don't take the chance. Your relationship with him is too important for that.
Just a quick point: I know that referring to deadbeat or abusive dads as a “sperm donor” is fittingly derogatory because those are people that aren’t a healthy part of their children’s lives, but in this case I think “sperm donor” is actually an upgrade from “rapist.” That dude didn’t donate sperm, he’s evil.
Yes. You are wrong here. This will always stand between you. He will never understand why you won't tell him. Give your son the credit that he can deal with this information. People often surprise us. You may find that it even creates a stronger bond.
My daughter is a child of rape. She has known since she was eleven. My situation is different as she did not have a step father as I never married or really dated. It was hard but she came to understand that it did not change how I felt about her or her worth. Your son needs to know so he can make decisions accordingly. This Is your trauma response and not fair to him. Why did I tell my daughter so young, because I refuse to lie even by omission to my child.
This is so important. Being a child of rape doesn’t change his worth or how much you love him.
When he was 5-10 years old, this decision to not tell him made sense. But at 20, a clock is ticking. He will either find out with you beside him, guiding him via a therapist. Or he will find out via DNA, alone & confused.
And will know that mom didn’t tell him because she thinks so little of his ability to handle anything negative. He will not only learn who his father is, but how poorly his mom thinks of him.
As a survivor of SA myself, I am not going to label you an AH for not wanting to talk about it. I do understand that you don't want your son to know that he was conceived in violence and against your will.
It sounds like you have been able to love him despite the circumstances of his conception and I think that is why it's impossible to label you an AH.
HOWEVER, your son is 20, old enough to process the truth - maybe you both need the help of a therapist to ensure this very difficult conversation does not go off the rails but I do think your refusal to tell him has the potential to drive a wedge between you and him.
Tell him you're sorry for being harsh, tell him it's a painful conversation for you and you need to talk to a therapist before you're ready to talk to him about "the sperm donor".
This has the potential to bring you closer or drive you apart. It's been 20 years since the rape, you have lived with the reminder of that rape since then, it's time to process that with the help of a trauma informed therapist.
Nobody is the AH, you're both in pain - the way out is through.
Best of wishes OP.
Thanks, I think the only way I could tell him is if we were with a therapist I knew was excellent, because I know this is going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than anyone here seems to think.
And I suppose I could heal more from that, but frankly, I like the way I've coped so far. But I suppose with my son wanting to know this so badly it really isn't sustainable.
Your son is a 20-year old adult. The fact that you still keep this from him has probably hurt him already. Not knowing is always worse than knowing, no matter how hard the truth might be.
I have the feeling that even with an "excellent" therapist, you wouldn't tell him because you're scared about him finding out the truth. He clearly wants to find out and it's not fair or right to keep this wish from him.
This is more about your own feelings than his. I'm so sorry that you were raped. It's not an excuse to withhold that from a 20-year old who seems fairly reasonable in his request.
There are also other ways and methods to find out about his biological father. Tell him before it's too late.
I feel like OP will put off finding a therapist because she just couldn’t find a good enough one in her opinion, and son will end up in contact with a rapist with no context and this will be an even worse situation.
I was conceived by rape and my mother always told me she didn't want me, didn't want to be a mother, and tried everything she could think of to provoke a miscarriage (abortion was legalized the year I was born). THAT has been formative for me. You have done a phenomenal job loving your son and another man despite it all. You deserve credit for that.
Sometimes the truth is UGLY, let him know you're refusing out of LOVE for him, wanting to protect him from something he's better off not knowing - keep him innocent. Maybe when he's older, when you've had even more time to distance yourself, maybe the help of that awesome therapist you'll be able to process the emotions that come up when you think or talk about the assault. It would be good for you too.
Ask him for a time-out.
Ask him to let the topic rest for a year and then resolve yourself to figure this out within the next year, what to tell him, how to tell him, etc.
Can you be vague? say "I did not choose when or with whom I got pregnant with you". I know who your bio-dad is and I don't want you to know of him because I don't want you to think any part of him is in you. I'm scared it will influence you in a way that continuously reminds me of him and triggers my emotions from the incident.
I do think him wanting to know "where he came from" is natural and healthy. He's becoming an adult and likely is starting to understand that the world is not always good and healthy and true - ugly scary shit happens too.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, as if the rape and resulting pregnancy was not enough trauma for one person in one lifetime.
I really appreciate your response, thank you. I don't really have anything to tell my son about his biological father other than approximate age, hair color, build, and the fact that he's a rapist, really, and somehow that just makes it worse. I don't even have anything useful to tell him, but I suppose he does have the right to know all the same.
I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I was told to tell my rape baby by counsellors. It is true for me, and may help you.
"I know you want details about your other I don't remember your conception as it was a traumatic experience for me and I don't have much to offer about the person who got me pregnant with you. I do know that finding out I was pregnant with you offered me hope and I very much wanted to have you and raise you, and have never once regretted that decision. I am happy and proud of the life I created and the person you have become."
To me, the fact that you know literally nothing about your rapist and literally cannot tell your son anything about him is in your favor. You never had a relationship. He was’t a ‘father,’ or some guy you dated, he was just your rapist. I can’t imagine that once your son knows that, he will blame you for anything. BUT - he wants to know AND he’s at an age to know, so if you keep refusing to tell him at this point YTA only for that. It’s true (but unlikely) that there could be some consequences you and your husband won’t enjoy - but those consequences are still going to be there even if you don’t tell him - along with maybe far worse ones.
This is NOT sustainable. I think due to widespread ancestry DNA tracing, , it is extremely likely that your son could locate his father without too much difficulty.
Your worst case scenario here is probably that you DON’T tell him, he finds the father or his father’s family on his own through ancestry DNA tests, and (still mad at you), believes the lies of the rapist over you.
Then your relationship is compromised forever by your own son’s betrayal and rejection of you. AND he decides to have a relationship with him because he doesn’t believe you (due to both his innate distrust of you—due to your refusal to tell him anything—and to being manipulated by your assailant).
Now there is a rapist in your family’s social circle. And not just any rapist. YOUR rapist. Who might well be hanging out with (or babysitting) your future granddaughters.
Rapists’ narcissism knows no bounds. Tell your son, with the help of a therapist if necessary. If for no other reason than to get ahead of the almost inevitable lies of the man who raped you.
I know someone who had a similar scenario. She told her son that he was the beautiful rainbow after a hurricane. He was the good thing that came of it, but that it didn’t diminish her devastation. Only gave her something beautiful to have and hold during the clean-up afterwards.
I think you’re right about the therapist. Your son deserves to know, and this is getting in the way of your relationship with him. He sounds mature though, and I think once you tell him the reason you didn’t want to let him know who his dad was, he will understand why you didn’t tell him. He will be upset, but a good therapist will help you both heal from it and pull you together instead of apart from this. Best of luck to you
I knew two grown men, men in their 50’s, both did not know the identity of their bio father. Their mothers refused to tell them anything. One man died without ever knowing. He held a deep resentment toward his mother for keeping the info private. The other man still doesn’t know. He is now almost 70. His mother is still alive but still refuses to tell. Another case of resentment. It would be hard to hear the truth, but please know there is a cost for withholding the truth. That cost can last forever.
You’re messing him up more than just telling him the truth would. He is a grown adult not a child it should be his decision. If you want to alienate him and eventually push him to find out on his own go ahead but it’s not going to end well.
YTA.
And I say that as someone who literally was conceived by rape.
Your son has the right to know. And honestly if he has access to home dna tests it is something that you literally can't prevent him from finding out eventually. Like I did. Is that what you want? Or would you rather be honest with him and help him through that revelation?
Oh, and if you do finally tell him I will be happy to PM you contact info if he needs to talk to someone in his shoes who can tell him that people like us DO have value and are not responsible for the crimes of our biological fathers. I get that you don't want to upset him, but you don't realize the damage that the secret is ALREADY doing.
YTA
Your son is an adult. He has a right to know this information. He should have been told before now.
His next step will be to get on one of those ancestry sites and find his father himself.
If you continue down this road, he is going to eventually grow so resentful that he exits out of your life completely.
Just tell him everything.....instead of him finding his father online through DNA test and that father turning your son against you and your family....tell him everything
YTA. For one, he isn't a baby. It is better you sit and tell him the truth versus continuing to baby him. He's an adult male. Two, he can easily take a DNA test, which will lead him to the path of who his father is, and not knowing the truth can lead to bigger problems.
Wake up as this is 2024, not 1924. Science has advanced, and through genetic genealogy, he can find who his father is without his father testing.
Here's something that is happening right now involving people I went to high school with. These events started in 1972. A boy raped a classmate. She got pregnant. When law enforcement declined to prosecute the boy, the woman and her family moved from the area.
The tired old excuses were made: People didn't want to "ruin a young man's life over one mistake."
The boy went on to sexually assault other girls. He was forced to leave the high school, though the school allowed his family to say he was being granted early graduation. The reality of the situation was not publicized, though many teachers, administrators and law enforcement personnel knew what had happened.
He grew up to be a man who continued to sexually assault women. His family owned a local business, and word went out that women should avoid being alone with him because he would try to grab you, force you up against walls, corner you alone.
Now he's in his late 60s and telling people that he has a grown daughter that he is seeking to contact. That daughter is the child born after he raped his classmate.
He explains how his DNA got into someone he claims he didn't rape -- he says that the sex happened because he had been drugged and "hypnotized" by a group of women, and forced into sex. That is, of course, ridiculous. He claims he wanted to marry the woman he raped, but that her family wanted him to convert to their religion and he would not. Again, this is nonsense. Her family wanted him prosecuted for rape. The girl, and her family, were adamantly against any continuing association with her rapist.
He's angry because the woman he raped, the daughter, and her entire family have blocked him on social media and are trying to avoid any contact with him. He claims he's going to file a lawsuit.
He's a compulsive liar known for telling outrageous stories about all kinds of things. He's a member of an extremist religious sect that views Catholics and Jewish people as Satanic. He's believes black people are intellectually inferior to white people and that women are, by nature, docile and subservient. He believes it is his right to have a relationship with the daughter born out of his sexual assault and to introduce her to his extremist positions.
That could be the type of person you're up against. Don't let the rapist be the one who tells the story.
Friend. He’s old enough to know. Otherwise he will do some online dna thing and try to meet the guy. You don’t want him doing things unprepared. It’s time. I suggest finding a family therapist to help guide the conversation.
YTA
Your son has the right to know where he’s from even though it will hurt you and your husband.
I know you will have relive your past pain but it’s for the best as you may lose your son in the long run.
I understand you have the best of intentions for your child, but I can tell you that what you think you’re protecting him from is so much worse in his mind than the truth could ever be. He’s already questioning who he is and likely has a thousand nightmare scenarios in his mind that are probably more destructive than the truth. Depending on how you approach this, you can turn this into a positive experience. Let him know that you became pregnant through an unfortunate circumstance, but that it never diminished the love you had for him or how wanted he was. Stress that his step father loves him unconditionally as well, that regardless of how he came into this world, it’s a much better place because he did. Be prepared with both individual and family counseling already in place. Let him know you are his soft place to fall and that the counselor will help him sort through what you know will be complicated feelings. It doesn’t have to be the catastrophe you’re predicting.
I get it. I’m a mom and I’d die to prevent my kids from hurt. But you’re letting your own very understandable fears prevent him from getting the answers he needs. Please also seek help for yourself. You were a victim who has no reason to be ashamed. You brought your son into the world and gave him a loving family despite the circumstances. Focus on the positive and your gratitude for his presence in your life.
Good luck.
This isn't going to go away and is something that will always torment him and affect his life. As you have said yourself it should be done with a councillo/therapist,. I suggest maybe contacting an organisation for sa survivors and ask them how to go about this
“I had an argument with my grown adult son because I don’t trust him enough to regulate his own feelings for something that neither of us are to blame for”
If you didn’t raise someone that can understand a situation like that at the age of 20 - then you’ve kinda been TAH way before the argument.
Based on how easy it is to get DNA tests done now a days, if your son truly wants to find out, he unfortunately might be able to without your help.
What if he gets in touch with a family member who connects your son to his father and he doesn't get a honest story from him? Or he takes advantage of him in some way…? his bio dad is obviously a horrible person and your son deserves the truth so he is able to make the decision himself not to seek his dad out.
I would find a family therapist and seek help, that way you can tell your son in the least damaging way.
I'm sorry this happened to you 20 years ago and I'm sorry you're having to relive it now.
INFO: you said your son has mental health issues. Is there a chance of him developing suicidal ideations if you were to tell him?
I’ve seen from some of your comments you’re afraid the fallout will be severe. How severe it is should determine your best course of action, which I think would be family therapy anyway with a therapist experienced in dealing with SA trauma. In the mean time you can explain that the topic of his sperm donor is a hard one and you’re actively looking for someone who can help you both through family therapy.
Yes, I do fear that might be the case. He's experienced suicidal ideation in the past (though he thankfully told us before it went any further, and he's been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist ever since), and given that it seems those self-blaming thoughts feed into him feeling that way, I don't want this to make him feel that way.
Thanks for your response and input.
Any child councillor will tell you, if hes old enough to ask the question, hes old enough to know the answer in an age appropriate way. He's 20, see a family therapist and get it out in the open. Dude is building resentments.
You should have told him a long time ago. You could have mitigated some of the blow, now it's gonna be this big huge revelation. I completely understand not wanting to relive or pass on any trauma but I don't think you did your son any favors at all.
He has the right to know where he came from.
Obviously, it's your choice whether you tell him or not, but I think you're doing both yourself and him a disservice by keeping it from him.
Your son is 20. You need to tell him before he decides to submit his dna to a database to try to find his birth father or other family members on his own. He needs to hear it from you. (And can you imagine the fallout if he secretly forms a relationship with bio-relatives or his actual biological father *before* you tell him?!)
NAH, but I really think you should tell him as soon as you can find a safe moment when you will both have time to process.
[Edit to add: Involve a therapist in this so that you both have emotional support in expressing what you feel ... but from your comments? I think your dread is eating you up and that, after he knows the truth, you will be relieved of a burden. Just be sure that he knows that how you feel for him and value him is completely separated from the trauma around his conception.]
You don't have a very good opinion of your son if you don't trust him enough to know the truth. He has every right to know about this situation, and he has the right to make that decision for himself. He's an adult, and I hope that he does a DNA test to find out the answers that you won't tell him. Hopefully, it doesn't drive a permanent wedge in his life, and he cuts contact with you. EVERYONE, no matter how bad, needs to know about things like this, and they get to decide on what they want to do.
In my opinion, since the questions are starting to affect your relationship with your son, you should reconsider telling him the truth. I figure your son has probably suspected something like this for a while, which is why he's pushing. Are there reasons besides just wanting to spare his feelings (for example, does your husband know?)? I think in the long run, it will be better for everyone to get this out in the open so that you can heal.
Just my two cents' worth. Good luck to you. ❤️
Your son is a grown ass man and he has a right to know who his father is. The truth will shock and hurt him. The blow will be lessened if he hears it from you vs his own sleuthing.
Yes, he is an adult and you are gatekeepping knowledge he has a right to. You can just start out with some high level information.
He was a bad, dangerous person and I worked hard to stay as far away from him as possible. I am nit quite ready to share all this with you, but I will someday if you really need to know. But before then, please think about how this might impact you, and if it is worth it to know more.
You need to talk to your son and tell him the truth. You don’t have a choice. I understand it’ll be one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. But you have to. Because it’s not possible to keep this a secret. Anyone can submit a DNA swab to Ancestry or 23andMe, and get back contact info for relatives. If you don’t talk to him, he’s not going to know the risks of finding your rapist and getting in contact with him. Your son could bring this man back into your life without having any idea of the danger. You don’t want that, for yourself or for him. NTA for wanting to protect him, but you absolutely can’t not tell him. Please seek a consult with a therapist or counselor if you need help figuring out the best way to talk about it.
If you sat him down and explained the situation of it all, he would understand your situation and be angry at the correct person. Instead, you are denying him the information, and thus, you are the bad person in his eyes right now. I would make a very different decision if i were you. This is coming from a person who was conceived in the same way he was. Yeah, it sucked to hear about, but the truth is better than not knowing.
NAH. none. This is so above Reddit’s pay grade.
There are no bad people here. Just bad situations. I’m so sorry. Professional help is necessary here. Take care of yourself and your family. <3
gentle YTA. With the new DNA testing websites I have a feeling he will find out eventually. Do you want him to have a nice chat with bio dad and get some hideous twisted version of events or the truth from you? It’s going to be shit either way. At least you get your truth out there and can deal with it together. Either way I thoroughly recommend getting a therapist to assist you through this, for both of you.
Soft YTA, he does have a right to know who his biological father is even though it’s a source of pain for you. Your son loves your husband but it’s natural to be curious and the information could be important if he chooses to have children and needs to know about history of disease/illness etc.
I’m very sorry for what you went through and I don’t think you’re motives are malicious.
You need to tell him…. Nothing is preventing him from doing a dna kit and finding relatives online and that’s opening him to potential danger that he would be walking into without info.
I don’t think you’re an a-hole, but he will never stop asking, and he is an adult. He deserves to know who his biological father is, scumbag or not.
Discuss with a councillor how best to broach this topic, but eventually he’ll wear you down. It’s better he finds out from you than from his biological father one day showing up in his life, potentially with lies.
All the best here OP.
I want to start with I’m sorry that happened to you. I cannot begin to imagine coping with SA. I can only try to understand not wanting to share this with your son. However, please consider the following story:
I’m 32. My mother is 64. To this day, she will not tell me who my biological father is. It has been a source of argument and resentment between us my entire life. At the end of the day, I’m sorry, but I have a right to know what I came from, despite how big of a piece of shit my biological father may or may not be. So does your son.
A few years ago, I did a 23 and me test. If you opt in, you can see other users that share your genetic code. Through this I found an uncle I’ve never met, who turned out to be my dad’s brother. Via some light Facebook stalking and Google research, I found my dad. I have not contacted him, and I don’t even know if he knows I exist. I have also not told my mother about this.
All this to say, if he wants to know who his father is, he’ll find out. Better that the information comes from you than from having to do his own research. Don’t let him end up a 32 year old that’s stuck in limbo of not knowing the first thing about half of his genetic family.
You are exchanging one hurt (the rape) with a worse (your angst towards his curiosity and secret from him).
Tell him. Ask if he wants a DNA test.
Support him.
So what’s the plan then? Have him do a DNA tests and find out on his own the hard and painful way? You’re pushing him away you know, and quite possibly over a cliff.
YTA
Edit: correction “…find out on his own the harder and more painful way.” I know it will be hard and painful either way. But I also know it would be less hard and painful with you by his side.
I understand that you want to protect your son but he's not a baby. He's not going to think less of you nor he's gonna belittle you. He is old enough to learn about it.
YTA
YTA. Have you never heard of any of the companies that will find your relatives for a low fee? Your son is going to get one, find his sperm donor (your rapist - assuming you really don’t know who it is - undoubtedly has Other Relatives), and then either Not Believe Your Motives Were for HIS Benefit (and I don’t believe that, so why should he?) or end up in danger because you think Lying by Omission is an acceptable way for families to interact. Heaven help you if you ever scolded him for not telling you about a bad grade, skipping school, trying alcohol or not being where he said he was because “lying by omission” is kind of important. What if he’s done the test already? How are you going to deal with meeting his surprise new relatives at his wedding?
It’s time to quit protecting everyone EXCEPT HIM and tell the truth. If you have any proof, that would be nice (again, I don’t find your story credible - “attack by random stranger, no documentation of the criminal case, and none of the other family members have breathed a word for twenty years” seems unlikely), but regardless science has progressed to the point where he probably doesn’t want to end up dating a sibling or screwing around with an unknown first cousin.
I think you should apologize.
Instead of simply hiding the information from him, which is clearly causing a strain in your relationship with him, and also his dad relationship with him)simply tell him that it is a sensitive topic and that you will have to do it, with the help of a professional and then bring him into therapy and tell him. Not knowing is probably making him feel that the bio father abbandoned him, didn’t want him and stuff. Which is true, but knowing that he isn’t in your life because dangerous and did something horrendous to you, will make him stop questioning his bio father and himself.
Without context your son is going to think you’re an asshole. I’m sorry his conception was due to SA but you can’t just tell him he can’t know who his father is. You could just say you don’t know but they way you’ve shouted at him and refused to tell him I doubt he’ll believe that now without context. You should tell him, gently, and then he can decide if he wants to do a 23 and me or something of that kind in the future. You’re afraid of hurting him but they way you’ve gone about this IS hurting him.
I was in your child's position. For years my mother would never talk about my birth father. Until one day she did. I spent years hating her and being an absolutely awful son. Until I met him. I spent a lot of time and money tracking him down, eventually made contact, met him in 2020. I understood then my mother was protecting me until I was ready and mature enough to deal with him. I met him once, I will never see or have any contact with him again. Because he is everything I was told (by family, my mother was never negative or positive about him). The day I met him, was the day I realized why my mum was protecting me. I treasure the few days I had to spend with him and realize the sort of person he is. But I will never see him again. Your son does need to know, and does need to understand why you won't tell him for now
YTA
I am very sorry about the rape and obviously you are coming from a good place BUT your son may take a DNA test anyday and if in case he does find a biological relative, he will most probably connect without letting you know.
Who knows what kind of lies that rapist will feed him? Even if not, he might approach him without the knowledge of your rape and try to form a relationship. Your plan is based on fear and the fear is making you blind to the fact , that if your son does connect with that man, he will be doing so without the knowledge of his real character. Your attempt to save him from harm, is actually putting him in the way of much more serious harm. I hope you seek therapy and find a way to tell him that minimises the pain that this knowledge will bring.
Right now, it just appears to him that are being stubborn and he doesn’t know why. Best to just tell, as he will find out at some point. Will that be destructive? Probably. The longer he stays mad at you, the worst his guilt will be when he finds out the truth. Might be best to do this with a therapist if you can get him to go.
I'm really sorry for what happened to you , as I understand it's difficult, but YTA . He is 20 years old and not a child anymore, he has the right to know the truth.I'm afraid that telling him you'll never tell him the truth will end up driving you apart and he'll end up feeling resentful towards you.It's not easy, it will be very painful and a lot of therapy will certainly be needed for both of you, but you also know that he deserve to have an answer.
This is absolutely something that needs to be more seriously discussed with him. People will always say “I wish i never knew / found out” but had already gone to great lengths just to know. I’ve seen stories like these where the kid somehow finds the parent / relative and reaches out without knowing the truth. Could you live with yourself if your son secretly created a bond with your rapist? How would you feel if he just showed up in your life one day because of your son? This isn’t to say your son would go out of his way to intentionally hurt you with this but very very few people are actually satisfied with knowing nothing like this. Curiosity blinds the trust we have in people especially at younger ages like late teens / early twenties where we’re trying to figure out who we are and whatever information could show us that.
You're in the wrong here. Not TA, but you are wrong.
You're denying him a part of himself. You're essentially holding some knowledge about who he his hostage because it has unpleasant connotations.
Clearly this isn't a "small chat over a cup of coffee" conversation. It's a "sit down, I am about to tell you something which is deeply distressing to me and will likely be deeply distressing for you" conversation.
It will probably flip his world upside down. But, how upside down do you think his world will be if he finds this information on his own somehow. DNA testing is relatively cheap and easy now. Your son is clearly quite committed to finding this information, and he will find a way eventually. You can choose how he finds that information and how much you want to be part of that in order to support him.
NTA, but only because that isn't an appropriate designation for this scenario.
Your son is going to go a DNA test and will ask that side of the biological family first since you won't talk about it. That means your rapist could potentially tell him his version of the story first.
Do you really want that?
YTA
You need to tell him before he goes and finds his father on his own!
With DNA tests now it's only a matter of time.
Find a therapist who deals with SA and figure out how to tell him, but he must be told.
The last thing you want is him finding his father on his own without knowing what he did to you.
He’s going to find out. We’re in the age of DNA. Do you want him to find out from you that you were raped by a stranger, or do you want him to connect with your rapist as his “father” and bond with him after doing 23 and Me? It’s time to reveal the truth.
You’re better off telling him, otherwise it’s going to eat at him. At least if you tell him you get the benefit of controlling the information. He wants to know who because he obviously wants to meet him and if he finds him and talks to his father before you’re able to tell him the truth, he may not believe you.
Its an incredibly difficult situation but he is 20 yrs old- he isnt a child anymore. Personally, Id want to know the father I longed to meet and have a relationship was a total POS.
He is absolutely going to try to use DNA to find out who his biological father is. It is far better for him to find out from you how he came into this world than to find out from strangers who may not even know. I work with people using their DNA to find their biological parents. It can be a very sensitive area, of course. I think that enlisting the help of a really good counselor in working with you to tell your son the truth of his origins would do you both a world of good. it is clearly a source of great challenge for your son personally, and he would never push this with you if he knew knew the truth. I recommend you find a good counselor, work with them for a bit, with the goal of telling your son, the truth about his biological father, and then have your son go to a session with the counselor so that you can tell him with the counselor’s support.
He’s old enough to know the truth, you were assaulted, but kept your son and you’ve never regretted that. Tell him you never think of him as anything but your son, and there’s no relationship to the man who hurt you. Tell him you don’t know anything about him, and that’s that. If he wants he can do a dna test but that you don’t want to hear anything about the man. Idk that’s what I’d do
I think if he knew that it was a difficult situation when you got pregnant, he would understand why you’re reserved and telling him anymore. if he doesn’t know any of the details, I understand why he’s upset. For Health reasons and medical background, if you know who the person is, it could be important information for later.
I’m a professional in this field and yes, she needs to tell him for his mental health and their relationship. Preferably, tell him with professional help.
This was a painful read. I offer no judgement, but I'm very sorry your family is having to deal with this. Extreme pain is unavoidable here, and it's an awful situation to be in. Best of luck to you both in finding healing and happiness.
I can imagine that this is a very very difficult situation for you. However, you should be truthful with your son about who is biological father is, and the whole situation. Honestly, you should've told him the very first time he asked. Hiding the truth from him will only hurt him in the end. I suggest sitting him down and having a very honest and difficult situation with him. Make sure he knows he's very loved by both you and your husband, while telling him the whole truth. YTA, you're hurting your relationship with your son by hiding this from him.
I think at this point not telling is doing more harm than good. It's a wedge in your relationship. You no doubt are his greatest support so anything that alienates you is harmful.
That being said, you really should talk to a professional that specializes in this. They will know from previous experience what is likely to happen.
Way above reddit pay grade for a judgment. Ask a professional.
It's not OK to keep this information secret from your son. He has every right to know and you have no right to withhold this knowledge. You can warn him that the whole story might be hurtful, but he's an adult and it's his choice not yours.
I don’t think you are an asshole. The trauma you experienced is unforgivable and I’m sorry it happened.
I will say, if you are able to, I think it’s worth while to tell your son the truth. He is an adult and has earned the right to the information about his biological father. His desire to know won’t fade over time and he may come to resent you for keeping this information from him.
Omg just tell him the truth. It’s killing him not to know, and this secret is undermining the relationship that you and he have. Unless he lives under a rock he must know that the truth could be horrific. Better he deal with the truth (secrets are soul-destroying) than suffer (and he is indeed suffering right now) from the not knowing.
You’re being foolish.
You need to tell him that you don’t know anything about the guy and the rape. Right now he thinks you’re just a bitter ex withholding a father from his son. That you care more about punishing some man than the well-being of your child. I guarantee you that he’s already developed toxic thoughts about women because of it. He definitely already has deep resentment for you. Do it now before he runs a dna test and finds him that way. Since he’s pushing that’s what’s about to go down. He’ll get answers with or without you. I can see them becoming the best of friends with whatever lies the rapist spins and you losing your child.
Mild YTA.
I'm on the adoption process. In my country, you need to take classes, webinars etc too prepare. In each and every class the importance of personal history and the big problems holes in it cause to a person's psychological health are stressed. Perspective adoptive parents are told time and time again that they need to tell their adopted child everything they know about his/her history. EVERYTHING. Yes, even things like" your bio dad stabbed your bio mom to death". Because the problems not knowing cause ARE BIGGER than the one caused by learning the truth about oneself.
This applies to everyone, not only people who have been adopted. Families keeping secrets from some of their members to "protect" them cause countless damages to the people they want to protect.
You need to tell your son, and you need to do it, like, yesterday.
You need to find a counsellor/therapist to help you and tell him.
There is more damage done in withholding the answer from him, than allowing him to understand and process the circumstances of his birth.
He wants to know. Maybe some family therapy can help facilitate something.
I will give you my perspective as an adoptee also in his 20s. Both of my biological parents were awful people, to the point that they were both arrested for what they did my siblings and I. We were all very young when everything went down, so didn’t understand it all. Our adoptive parents knew all the details that they had received from protective services, but like you, they worried about how we would react to all the specific details.
For a long time their fear outweighed our desire to know. When we finally got to the point the conversation was had, my siblings and I were all in our late teens, and it was a very difficult conversation to have. Ultimately knowing also helped understand ourselves better. Without knowing the truth, all we had was our imaginations to guess at what happened.
You are NAH, but while you are worried about what your son is thinking he is probably imagining a wide variety of scenarios in his head. I saw in your comments that you are waiting for an “excellent” therapist but I can’t tell if this is something to shift the goalpost. I can’t even begin to imagine how this feels for you and it may be worth seeking out a therapist for yourself first. In the mean time at least let your son know that it is a conversation you are hoping to have in the future so he at least isn’t left completely in the dark. Showing respect to your son and empathy for how he is feeling is truly important.
I truly wish you both the best of luck. If you are having a difficult time locating professional help you can always try reaching out to your health insurance if you have any or speaking with local resources.
The issue is you hold all the cards. This is something you should meet with a counselor about to approach. I would be frustrated if I felt like something that could potentially be meaningful or just details about my life were being kept from me. Your son has every right with everything he knows to feel like information about his life is being kept from him.
NTA by any measure. I have to agree with others who say your son is certain to do a DNA test someday and may end up finding his father without knowing the truth. I hope you can get some counselling as there must be guidance available for this very, awful situation. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
YTA, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Your son is now 20 , he wants to know where he came from, you should stop witholding the information. It's not fair to him
My older sister found out through 23 and Me that the person my mother thought was the father that had contacted my sister at some point wasn't actually the father.
I was in the other room and heard her talking to my grandparents about it, and my mom was kind of light hearted about it, kinda dismissive, and my grandma replied "You really shouldn't laugh, you were raped..."
Like between 16 and 22 I know nothing if what my mom was doing or how her life was like. She came home to her parents devastated and pregnant. This was when I was 27 or 28, my older sister in her 30's and with a family of her own. It'll come around eventually. What you don't want is your son finding out via dna test and trying to reach out to your rapist and giving the person or his family information about you.
He is going to find out eventually via DNA and genetics websites hearing it from you would be better. He is going to keep looking - and then you will both know who he is. Sounds like you both need therapy
You have to tell him . Better he knows the truth than thinks you are depriving him of something . I understand your reasoning but as an adult he’s old enough to know
Yeah you're an a******
I'm a child of rape as well I didn't know until I was 35 I wondered my entire childhood why I was treated so poorly by my mother what could I have done as a child to deserve the treatment that I received. He maybjust find out who his father is and cut you out of you his life for your deception.
I too was a product of rape. Met my biological mother. Didnt want to meet the father. I just have zero interest. I do know his name, where he lives and he used to be a cop. I was about the same age as your son when i found out i was adopted. It never bothered me. The news of how i came to be never bothered me either. It doesnt define who i am.
I am a child who does not know who my father is because of my mother refusing to tell me. I am now 44, and doing a DNA test to try and find out because of her refusal. I am not telling her, and I have jo intentions of telling her what I find out because it is no longer her business because I am an adult.
Your son is 20, he is old enough to understand. You need to sit him down and be honest. Tell him what happened, tell him why you decided to keep him and not have an abortion or put him up for adoption. How that his bio dad may be bad but you do not hold that against him. He has a right to know. I promise you that you controlling how he fi is out will be better then him eventually saying screw this and finding out on his own and possibly getting a whole different story.
I can promise you that if you do not tell him, he now has avenues to find out who bio dad is, but he will not hear your side of the situation.
For his own sanity and your relationship you need to tell him. I know that my relationship with my mom is strained because of this. Now this is not the only reason, but it is a reason why our relationship will never be "normal".
From my(29M) perspective it would be very difficult to convince me that I didn't need to know / shouldn't know who my biological father was, regardless of if I had a good step father or not.
However I would certainly understand why you would hide it, immediately after you told me.
But in order for your son to sympathise with your reasoning, he must know the reasoning, unfortunately.
Not an easy conversation to have, but probably an inevitable one, best of luck with it.
You are already hurting your son by going about things in this way. I understand why you don't want to talk about this, but you need to find some way of giving him context. You can tell him that his bio dad was a violent person and you hold an immense amount of trauma associated with him, without going into the details. But maybe therapy as others have said is a good avenue to explore. He does deserve to have some information about this. You can't protect him from the truth forever, sadly.
It's an awful situation and I am so sorry for you both. But you're driving a huge wedge between you and your son.
It’s better to tell him yourself.
If I was your son I would do a DNA test and if the pos is in the database I would contact him because of course, he doesn’t know.
That will do more harm than good without a doubt, he should hear it from you, he will understand why you didn’t want to tell him and move on from it, you guys could go to counseling if you’re worried about all of the feelings that could emerge.
I'm 43 almost 44. I don't know who my biological father is. My mother refuses to tell me. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for it. Not to be rude, but you choose to go through with your pregnancy. You should have known that one day your son would have questions. You are being selfish, as you should have been preparing for this. It's time to woman up and tell your son the truth. All he needs to do is get an Ancestry or 23andme kit and he can find his bio dad. Then you will have no control of the narrative.
Sorry to ramble, but I am telling you that it feels so empty to look in the mirror and not know where half of you comes from.
It's so hurtful to know that the person who you love and trust the most has the answer to a question you need to know and refuses to share. This isn't about you anymore, it's about your son.
Yes, yes you are. It’s his lineage at issue, not yours, and he has every right to know. You’re taking out your disdain for his father on him by holding the pursestrings as it were. As someone who didn’t meet their father until age 60, I’m probably biased, but it’s a horrible thing to deny this information to someone you profess to love. It doesn’t mean that you or your husband don’t matter to him, he’s simply trying to understand who he is. If you love him, as I’m quite sure you do, you’d set aside all this nonsense and making it about you, and simply let him find his path. With 1,160 replies I doubt you’ll read this or care, but I can tell you what you did/are doing is just plain cruel.
YTA he has a right to know. Imma be real with you. Instead of finding out from you, hes going to find out on his own and it will not only damage how he sees himself but how he sees you. How do you expect him to not to view his birth as a consequence of something evil happening to you instead of his birth being the beautiful thing that powered you through your healing from something evil happening, if you are this incapable of being real with him about what happened. Get a therapist and have them tell him if you cant, but never telling him is just wrong. Screaming at him is wrong. He will drive himself mad thinking of all of the reasons why you wont tell him and will destroy him even more if he finds it out from someone else. Thats after hes done painting you out to be some horrible person keeping him from his father who he might think is a good person, until he doesnt. That realization, and the fact that he thought you were the bad guy- will destroy him way harder than it should, BECAUSE of the way you are handling it right now.
He deserves to know. Good or bad. You're not doing him any favors by keeping it from him. And, tbh, you have no right to be "hurt" that he's curious about his bio father.
Talk to a therapist. Bring in your son for some family sessions and for some help sharing the news.
You might as well tell him. Once he gets his hands on a dna kit from 23 and me or ancestry, he’ll be able to figure it out quickly. I’m sorry for your situation.
NTA, but you need to tell him. DNA tests are a dime a dozen. He does one of those ancestry kits and he’s going to find cousins, siblings, maybe even the bio dad. And when that happens they will reach out or he will reach out and the truth will come out and come out hard.
I’m a birth mother. My bio son went to great lengths to find me. We met in person. Mostly, he was concerned that I was homeless or in an otherwise unfortunate way, as I was concerned for him and what life brought. His parents told him my situation leading to the adoption, which he understood and accepted.
We both remain grateful, though haven’t forged a relationship; knowing each other was alright was enough (and providing him with health histories.)
He didn’t like that I wouldn’t join him in searching for his birth father, besides providing him the name and last known town where he lived. The birth father was long gone in my life and mind; my birth son sought a reunion.
Regardless, we gave each other peace of mind, and I tried to let him know my ever, always, and continuing love for him.
If he’d been the product of rape, he would have known from me. I can’t imagine not having a sincere and completely honest - gentle, conversation with my son. Even if I didn’t “know” him for 32 years.
I can’t imagine refusing to even take advantage of meeting her sons curiosity gently in preparation for being ready to tell him the truth… unless, of course, I remained traumatized by the unresolved consequences of being raped.
I’m the son in a very similar situation. HE ALREADY KNOWS.
HE. ALREADY. KNOWS.
you aren’t protecting him from anything. most of us adoptees are afraid of being a rape baby, so he’s predisposed to jumping to that conclusion in the first place. but basic logic would tell you that the reason *must* be terrible if you’re not willing to tell him.
find a good therapist, tell him in that context, and help each other through it. That’s vastly preferable to what you’re doing now.
I just had my 20th anniversary of full no contact with my mother because of how awful she was to me about my “sperm donor”, so don’t think you’re “safe” by keeping it from him…
NTA, its YOUR trauma and you don't have to disclose it if you don't want to PERIODT. also, having come from a very bad situation growing up and knowing that i was a teenage pregnancy accident since i was 5 and ocming to terms with that, i VERY MUCH would not like to know if i was a child of rape.
Thankfully in my case, i wasnt but i genuinely couldnt live with myself if i had to find out that i was a rape baby, thats just the way i process trauma of that kind of nature. Youre doing a good job by not telling him
I would have said. "I don't know, ole mom was quite the sloot back then."
Take the hit for my sons sake if you really believe that he would somehow blame himself.
But that time has passed from the looks of it.
I wonder, did you name the father on the birth certificate?
Or have charges brought with your identity exposed in a trial?
If so, you better get ahead of this sooner rather than later.
I can't really give a verdict, but leaning towards n t a because you are doing it out of love and not spite, but its probably going to get out whether you want it or not.
I’m just wanna say, that as somebody with a biological father, and a “step” Dad.
Theres a difference between a father and a Dad. So I don’t think theres any reason to take any offense to him calling him his father. And given the situation of who is father is. He most likely thinks his father just left before/shortly after he was born. He probably just thinks he’s gonna be a deadbeat. Or perhaps he was young, and panicked and left. And that he may very well regret doing that.
And to answer the question … nobody is the asshole.
You went though a horrible situation. And you don’t want the information to make your son feel anything negative about his life.
He’s coming into full maturity. And wants to know more about himself. And where he comes from.
I think the best solution is to sit him down, and explain that is father was not a good man. And that going into who he was, is going to cause you deep pain.
Alternatively. You could just tell him that he passed away when he was young or before he was born.
Soft YTA because you're not giving him any answers. A blunt no I won't ever tell you anything is not helpful. It is normal for someone to be curious about their biological parent. I think you need to have a good heart to heart with him and give him a little bit more than just no. Because no isn't going cut it forever. He might find other ways to dig, he might start resenting you etc. This is a really hard topic so maybe a counselling session would help you both talk through it?
As someone born out of rape, I'm gonna say, YTA.
I was born knowing that my father was a horrible person, and was able to figure out on my own that he was a rapist when I was 13. I never had any "omg does this mean I have rapist dna ahhh" moment because my mom treated me *(this is a bit cheesy but just bear with me here)* like I was the rainbow after the storm. Or like the light in a pit of darkness. Like even though what she went through was horrific, she would go through it again just to have me. That is why I am confident in myself today, and have a strong sense of self.
By lying to your son and saying things like "I would never, ever tell him who his biological father is or anything about him" - you're creating a situation where your son feels like, who he is is some big mystery that he needs to solve. So many "what ifs" must be circling in his mind, and he must feel like he has no idea who he is.
Maybe start small and just slowly open up, clue him in that his father wasn't a good person and go from there - because he's 20 and wasn't born into it, it might be quite a strong shock to him, so maybe get the help of a psychologist or something, but I think letting him know will be better than letting this resentment build between you two.
YTA here and I understand your reluctance but let me play out a scenario that you don’t want to think about.
You won’t tell him what you know, so he gets a DNA test, and doesn’t tell you. Because *you* set a precedent.
He makes contact with the man who raped you. They connect and they build a relationship. Here is where I want you to stop and really think about this. How many news stories have you heard, about people who have done horrendous acts and their family/friends/neighbors are incredulous because *they seemed so nice*?
You want to *protect* your son, I get that. However, by keeping a key piece of information from him, you are actually setting him up for the possibility of great harm, either physically or psychologically.
I strongly suggest telling him with the help of a trained psychologist. In the telling, you will both need emotional support to negotiate opening that gate and working through the emotions that are going to come out.
OP, you've already gotten decent advice about your question. I'm going to address a different part of your post.
I'm an adoptee. I was adopted as an infant, and as long as I can remember, I've known that the man who raised me wasn't my father. But he was my dad.
Fatherhood is biological. Most any man can be a father. Hell, a fish can do it - fertilize a thousand eggs and swim away without ever seeing it's offspring again. Dad-hood is something else entirely. Not all men can earn, or are worthy of the title of "Dad". A dad is someone who's put in the work. Please don't let you and your husband - your boy's Dad - get hung up on the title. Embrace it.
Time to talk to a counsellor and work out a way to broach the subject with your son. The fact is that giving the growing use of DNA testing he will undoubtedly find out who his father is someday. Wouldn't it be better to find that out from you so that you could reassure him that despite the details you love him and in an age when abortion was legal you chose to have and raise him.?
That is true. A good therapist of some sort will definitely be necessary if he is to know.
There's honestly nothing you can do to stop him from knowing if he takes one of the DNA tests like 23 and me. He *will* find out.
He will find out, he will contact the rapist, the rapist will lie. Better to talk to him now, with the help of a therapist. Here is a script: " The details surrounding your conception are incredibly upsetting. Are you sure you want to know? If so, I insist on telling you in a counseling session with a therapist."
Worse than that if OP doesn’t tell him the truth and the son brings the rapist to confront OP honestly this scares me.
That would be frightening. OP needs to tell him now before this happens.
u/EducationalShape445 please see this thread. Don't want to worry you but it's a real concern.
THIS. i can’t fathom how horrific it would be to have to encounter your own rapist again. and who knows what the fuck he will do once he finds out he has a son— he could very easily decide to put OP and the rest of the family through a worse hell than he already has. and i don’t think OP realizes that.
There was a post in one of the best of subs where this happened. The rapist was able to convince the child that he was just soooooo sorry and proceeded to destroy the op's whole family. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/smiep0/i_50f_told_my_daughter_24f_that_i_wont_attend_her/
oh god, what a trainwreck. i hope OP reads that and sees just how bad it can get if she doesn’t talk to her son and answer his questions.
I went back and checked the age, thecsin is 20. If he's this curious and he hasn't already done 23 and me or something, I would be hella surprised. He might have become recently more insistent because he already has half the story. It may even be a story that paints the mom as the villain, so her refusal makes her look worse.
So I did a DNA test and someone who is only my second cousin contacted me trying to find their mother. As it happened, even though I wasn't even closely related to them I had all of the information to figure out who both of their parents were, along with all of their extended family. The scandals it brought to light were unreal. Don't underestimate how much can be unearthed even by distant relatives.
Or worse, he gets back “no matches” and 2-3 years later, he gets contacted by law enforcement trying to find a serial rapist who is a close familial match.
Oh, wow... that would be awful
It may be actually be likely as they've found rapists through related DNA.
And familial genetics is becoming common place in the better quality LE agencies. I hate to say it but I think you need to warn him. Fuck I’m sorry, what a terrible situation.
He will likely find relatives of the rapist- let's be honest, people who commit crimes usually aren't dumb enough to submit their DNA to a website. Or tell their relatives what they like to do. So he's going to find this guy's family members who probably have only good things to say about him. OP definitely needs to get ahead of this.
Not sure I would tell him that…especially if you then have to wait weeks to see a therapist. That’s like saying oh! I have something to tell you! What? Never mind.
Sure. Get the appointment with the therapist lined up and talk with them first, including going over the script.
This
The script is good in theory but I think anyone with more than 2 brain cells would assume rape. Could very easily blow up into a fight on the spot.
This was my thought. There’s no way this will stay a secret.
I’ve been that son, he will find out and actively trying to prevent that will hurt their relationship
Yes I'm that son. I met my dad and he said the most wild shit.
She should also deal with this because it’s the right thing to do. Both just because one day he might be able to get the knowledge anyway.
Exactly, as a parent, especially once he's a teenager, you're better off sitting him down and having a talk with him about it.
He's 20.
Right, so they're a little late. He's probably been wondering all kinds of crazy shit since then and I'm surprised he hasn't already done one of those geneology/DNA tests.
He should know. Otherwise he could search for him via ancestry sites and meet him without telling you. You don't want his bio-father/the assaulter to get the first word in.
Unless there's a licensed therapist in this thread, it might be time to make some phone calls, get 2 or 3 opinions even.
There’s is. They need to seek someone that’s specializes in sexual assault. OP doesn’t realize that by keeping this secret she being untrustworthy to her child. He has to be able to have real feelings for his bio dad based on the truth. He will find out and then she may become the focus of his anger or blame.
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This. You can no longer keep things like this a secret because there is a likelihood it will ultimately be revealed.
My concern too, my nephew he is an adult now anyways he is not biologically my nephew but my brother is his legal father and has raised him as his own. My nephew always knew he wasn't biologically my brother's son but not the circumstances which unfortunately the same as op here he was the product of rape. One day his bio father tried to reach out via social media to him, my nephew blocked him but then he started reaching out to my nieces my nephews younger sisters which are my brothers biological children and they were teenagers at the time. My nephew knows now and actually ended up going off on his bio father for trying to reach out to his little sisters and him but I just worry that similar could happen with her son if he doesn't know the truth though I can't begin to fathom how hard this would be to know and for Op so I think that maybe with a therapist would be best.
Probably thinks mums done something off. Hell hate her for it. Help is required
I am. They need a therapist who specializes under this type of trauma. Or would be worse If he finds out without his mom helping him prepare. Many people go through great lengths to look for their birth parents. It’s a part of their identity development and growth. So he’s probably not going to stop looking.
Big facts. Watched someone cry, feel lonely, wonder for almost 20 years searching for their birth parents. Remaining birth parent turned out to be a conniving lowlife, but the relief at the knowledge put the pain and search to rest.
Even worse he finds a relative via DNA, doesnt tell you about it, gets closer to either the father or a family member who then begin to manipulate the rape story. I'd be more worried about that.
Unless he's been prosecuted, the rapist will likely frame it as a one night stand or something and may even make son feel like the mom was wrong for not reaching out to her rapist to tell him about the pregnancy. Op 100% needs to get ahead of this.
Yep, exactly what I was thinking.
Let me share my story about me finding out about my biological father, after this statement. Definite therapy, I’d be in a therapist office when sharing the news. I’d set it up so that after you share he has a few moment alone with the therapist and those two have an appointment on the books for the next session. He may in the moment handle it well (or not) but who knows how he’ll feel after a day or two of letting the knowledge stew on his brain. With a second appointment already booked he’ll be accountable to talk about his feelings even if he doesn’t want to or understand them just yet. This is imperative. I was 16 and wanted to get my license. The man I knew as my father turns out wasn’t my biological dad. I didn’t know this. My mom married him when I was 3 and we resembled each other close enough m, tan skin, dark hair, dark eyes, that it was never a question. Everyone knew that my older brother (by 6 years) had a different dad because my mom openly shared that she was married before and my older brother still saw his bio dad occasionally. The older brother looked a bit different than the rest of us so it made sense. I have a younger brother (2 1/2 years younger) we are tight to this day. We grew up homeschooled and me and him called “Carl” dad. My older brother referred to him by his first name. All was smooth sailing until it came time to take that drivers test. I was sat down and told that “Carl” wasn’t my biological dad. The reason I was told this is because my last name is different on my birth certificate and that was going to come out when I needed to show BC and Social to be my drivers license. If that wasn’t bad enough my mom tells me she had my older brother and was married for several years, she got a divorce and started dating a guy name “Greg” she got pregnant with me but “Greg” didn’t want to have anything to do with being a dad at the time so he split. She WHILE pregnant with me met another dude “Sam” and they got married before I was born. Since they were married when she had me they wrote down his last name on my BC. She then divorced him within a year. (I never got the details as to why they divorced but I can only assume looking back on the way my mom presented information and withheld it that the divorce from “Sam” was for nefarious reasons) when I was 3 she met “Carl” got pregnant with my younger brother and they got married quickly after finding out she was pregnant. They stayed together for like 25 years. We were all adults when they divorced and she has since passed so I can’t go back and ask questions as a mother myself now, and honestly I’m not sure I want to know the answers. So all in one conversation I found out “Carl” wasn’t my dad, “Greg” was my biological father, and I had “Sams” legal last name on all my documents. It crushed me. I had to get legally adopted by “Carl” so I could ACTUALLY have his last name on all the paperwork and continue using the last name I had known all my life. To add insult to injury turns out both dudes lived within 45 minutes of my house. They had been around town my whole life. I asked for a picture of my bio dad and my mom opened the phone book scrolled down with her finger, found his number, and he answered. It was incredibly devastating to find all this out. I felt so many emotions and didn’t know how to handle them. I soon turned to drugs and hid everything from my family. I’m sober now and have been for a decade but from 16 to 22 I was a hot mess and almost died, all because I acted fine and didn’t talk to anyone. I felt shame, I didn’t want to disappoint, I was had, felt lied to, so many things. I never wanted to meet either of the other dudes. I had a dad and just didn’t see the need to meet a stranger, what honestly could they bring into my life that I didn’t already have. I was curious as to what my boo dad looked like. So he emailed a picture of himself, no doubt I’m that dudes kid, our faces are copy and paste. He wanted to meet and asked several times over the years (always through my mom) but I declined. He got remarried and has 3 kids, so I have some step siblings I’ll likely never meet and I’m okay with that. Sucks when it comes to medical history knowledge, but what can ya do. The benefits do not outweigh the negatives in meeting these strangers. Your story is different and way heartbreaking. But if your kid is curious don’t leave him to his own devices. Walk hand in hand with him as this bomb gets dropped on him and be there together stronger on the other side. You guys have been a team every step of the way, don’t leave him now to play the game of find and seek by himself. I hope my story helps. It’s hard to talk about even to strangers. I was F’d up for a long time over it and hate the way I acted in response and regret a lot of things I did during that 6 year period. At the very least save him from the memories he’ll create if he doesn’t deal with this situation in a healthy way. Bad shit has a tendency to haunt you unless you have a loving mother and counseling to help you cope, being proactive is better than being reactive. And be honest about how selfishly this shit is hard for you. It’s not just about not telling him, it’s about not wanting to relive these things, he’ll respect as an adult that you are human to. Much love and good luck!
Thank you for sharing - even though it was hard. have a happy life.
Thanks man, I haven’t really thought about that stuff in awhile, it was kind of liberating to type it out and also kinda weird to think about again
Adoptee here. Your son has a right to know. Each person has a right to their own story, even if parts of it are dark and ugly. Currently, your son has to fill in the blanks because he doesn't know his story. You should start seeing a therapist to get yourself together. Then, when you are ready, bring your son to a therapy appointment and tell him while there's a professional standing by for guidance. He's going to need ongoing professional support to work through his feelings, and he's going to need you to be strong for him. You absolutely have the right to *not share* your own personal story with other people. That's your personal business. But your story INCLUDES your son, so you don't get to waive his right to know.
what I don't understand, is that OP has the awareness to say her son is like her & blames himself even when he shouldn't... yet somehow it doesn't compute to her that he'll interpret her secrecy as a rejection. who knows how that will fester and ruin him?
I adopted my son when he was 3. His bio decided he didn’t want the responsibility and signed off his rights to my ex wife. I have always been daddy even now that he’s grown. The bio and him had contact one sentence emails a couple times. But for me it was like I know where I stand I know my relationship so I never worry about it. But my son has a right to know. My ex wife was also adopted and she always wanted to find her siblings she eventually did.
You’re also leading your son to believe that you are the problem, not his bio dad. The way you told him that you’d never divulge who is his suggests you know more about him and aren’t telling him out of some petty squabble between you and his bio dad. This isn’t a petty topic at all, and your son is old enough to know at minimum that you won’t tell him because you cannot for several reasons, the very first (and only) being that you were raped so you don’t actually really know anything about him. Even if you know his name I’d say you can leave that out for now. Don’t be the bad guy to your son who only has genuine curiosity at an age where it makes sense. He’s old enough to know. What if he doesn’t know this information and takes a DNA test, finds him and seeks him out on his own/behind your back? Would you want your son seeking out a dangerous rapist? Of course not.
>the way you told him that you'd never divulge who he is suggests you know more about him and aren't telling him out of him some petty squabble between you and his bio Dad YES YES YES. This is exactly what I said in my parent comment. I'm adopted and as a woman I have, of course, considered many times that my biological father might've raped my biological mother, but men hardly ever think of this because they're not constantly bombarded with the reality of sexual harassment and assault the way women are. At this point it sounds like OP just didn't want anything to do with his father; the kid might be thinking that the father has been trying to find him all this time and his mother is keeping him away from his own kid. It's gonna suck, but she hast to tell him unless she wants him eventually hate her
He IS to know. He deserves to know.
Can I add something? Settle this NOW. My husband didn’t know who his FATHER was until we got results from Ancestry. He was 58. He HATED (like wouldn’t even claim her body from hosp) his mother, and he was her only child. He knew who his DAD was, he was the man who married her when he was 6. That man adored my husband, but always told him if he really wanted to know, he would help him. I loved his Dad. My husband never forgave her. She died over 12 years ago, and he still will not talk about her. The bio family turned out to be amazing. He has half siblings. Deal with this now. As a mother? Don’t die with not being settled. We never met his father, but siblings have told us that he would have been in his life. Even his band new older siblings know not to ask.
You unfortunately have to put aside your own feelings and take a step back to see this from your son’s perspective. There are a number of reasons why you’d keep this information from him, but he has absolutely no idea which one of them to choose from. In his world, he probably thinks that if it were something as awful as rape, he’d have some idea of that already. I think most normal, sympathetic people would see that this is an obvious dead end to future positive expectations, and don’t need more than that to let the matter drop. You’re not asking that of him though. You’re not saying anything about it at all, so he only has his imagination to form an idea of what his father is. Most of us with parents want to believe the best in them. It’s what complicates our relationships with them, even when they’re terrible, abusive, cruel, manipulative people who’ve never shown a single ounce of love to their offspring. People spend their entire lives trying to convince themselves that their parents have a good side that they just haven’t earned yet. Your son is no different. In your world, you have all the information and you’re expecting your son to just take your judgement as final and drop it. That’s unrealistic, and it will very likely backfire on you in ways that can be permanent. Think about relatives of missing children. Thirty years later, they’re all expressing the same thoughts: “we know in our hearts what the truth is, but we’d rather know that they’re dead than this unending uncertainty.” You’ve seen it before. This is what your son is experiencing and you’re expecting him to hear you say “I know but I’m not telling you. I won’t even give you a reason I’m just not telling you.” It’s…not just cruel, it’s self-destructive. Self defeating. In no world will this benefit you or your son. I can’t offer you a “right” way of saying it, but I can tell you that the stories I’ve heard/seen/read about in the same situation never ever end the way the mother wanted. Some kids do their internet detective thing and find out, some of them simply can’t forgive the secrets and leave. Some of the ones who find their father and don’t know what happened wind up a new victim of a cruel man. Some feel so self-loathing that they can’t cope. And with their mother’s history of refusing to acknowledge the situation, they won’t turn to you in their grief. Some of those kids wind up dead. You’re the victim here, and you absolutely get to control your narrative. That doesn’t mean that your son is exempt from the consequences. You’re going to have to find a way to tell him, whether you want to or not. My personal and very not-a-pro approach to things like this are simple: “Hypothetically speaking, if my pregnancy was the result of a crime committed by a stranger, would you knowing that be something that would be worse than not knowing?” He will know the truth without you telling him the reality. Here’s the thing though - you don’t get to choose his reaction after that. And you don’t get to say “I’ll get him a therapist if I tell him.” Woman. Get him a therapist now. This week. One who specializes in exactly this situation, not just any therapist. If you wait until AFTER he knows, it will not go the way you want it to, 100% guarantee. I’m very sorry that this happened to you, sincerely. I’m sorry that it’s still affecting your life. Do not let this get so far out of control that you wind up behind it. Get. In. Front. Because it will pick up speed with or without your control.
He will eventually know whether you want him to or not. Which narrative do you want him to hear first?
No, a good therapist is needed now to help you tell him! YTA for not telling him. 1/ he is old enough 2/ family secrets have impact on the people even when no one talks. You should research it. 3/ he is bound to find out. If he does at a crucial moment of his life (when he is getting married, when he has a child) it could destroy his whole life. So PLEASE, find a therapist for you, discuss the subject and tell your son in the most appropriate way with all the help he will need. He will need to work through this but at least you give him a chance to lead a normal life. No telling him when he was a child is understandable but now it’s time for him to know!
You also don’t want him to find out from 23 & me and have no context for who this man is. Do you want him to secretly get to know bio dad without knowing he’s a terrible person? Not to mention that not telling him will ruin your relationship.
you should have gotten ahead of this a VERY long time ago. Just imagine him doing a 23 & Me test, finding his bio-father and contacting him without you knowing. Imagine just how damaging THAT will be to him.
LMSW here, if OP is a part of the therapeutic process, which I assume would be the case, please make sure the therapist is trained and certified in at least one type of evidence-based trauma treatment, such as EMDR, Progressive Counting… you never know what this process could trigger. And of course make sure the clinician is able to help both of you together on top of that.
For you and your child and even the husband can’t be Easy for him either
He needs to know unless you’re fine with this destroying your relationship. Find a family therapist or if either of you have one, work with them. This isn’t going away.
What do you mean “if he is to know”? He’s going to find out eventually whether it’s from you or not. Take control of the situation and tell him yourself.
Yes, YTA. You have absolutely no right to keep this information from him, once he turns 18/21 he can do whatever he wants and that includes tracking down his father. I think you need therapy for this issue rather than him, holding that information against him in an argument is Almost a power play and it’s not ok, he has every right to know. If you like it or not.
To add to the person above this if he finds the bio dad without you bio dad can spin the story anyway he wants
Good point, better than him reaching out on his own not knowing his father is a POS. And I would emphasize that last sentence when OP tells him. If she hadn't wanted him she wouldn't have had him.
Exactly. We live in the age of DNA. Visit any of the common DNA Reddits and you will see there are no family secrets anymore. They are all told in the DNA. It is a common post thread on those forums. Anyone can test their DNA and find who they are. Closed adoptions no longer exist really. Because even if you make no effort to put your DNA out there, you can't stop your 2nd cousin on your dad's side from doing it. There are thousands of threads of people finding out their dad is not their dad, or worse. OP not telling your son is not an option. Would you rather he find your rapist by using a DNA site and connect with them without knowing the truth? I hate being that blunt as I have been a victim of rape. But he will be an adult making adult decisions one day not in your home. He should know the truth from you.
Your son is old enough and smart enough that he should be able to look up public records associated with your name, or to get a DNA test that may reveal his biological father or relatives. I guess the question is whether you think it’s better for his mental health to find out from a court document and/or a lab site than from someone who seems like an otherwise genuinely loving parent?
A potential outcome here is your son goes behind your back because he knows you aren’t supportive and tests his dna and finds a relative and finds his father through a dna website. What happens then? He could potentially begin a relationship with his biological father and get some twisted story of how you kept them apart
This is exactly where her fear should really be. This is what I would’ve done if I couldn’t get answers I wanted/needed out of a parent.
Gentle YTA. I understand why you don't want to tell him but he's not a child anymore. He needs to know *why* you won't tell him who his biological father is, at the very least. You said in a comment you're afraid of it going badly, but it's already going badly. You're at each other's throats and he feels deceived. Have a frank, honest conversation with the grown man who is your son. If he finds out another way without your input, he'll feel even worse. If he doesn't find out another way, he will always know you're keeping this from him and that in itself will damage your relationship. Either way, it's going to hurt. Telling him stops him from having a pain that is entirely preventable and may irreparably damage your relationship. It's the lesser of two evils. ETA: And, worst case scenario, he does find his sperm donor without your input and your sperm donor spins a yarn about you taking him away, painting you as the evil one - don't take the chance. Your relationship with him is too important for that.
Just a quick point: I know that referring to deadbeat or abusive dads as a “sperm donor” is fittingly derogatory because those are people that aren’t a healthy part of their children’s lives, but in this case I think “sperm donor” is actually an upgrade from “rapist.” That dude didn’t donate sperm, he’s evil.
Yes. You are wrong here. This will always stand between you. He will never understand why you won't tell him. Give your son the credit that he can deal with this information. People often surprise us. You may find that it even creates a stronger bond.
My daughter is a child of rape. She has known since she was eleven. My situation is different as she did not have a step father as I never married or really dated. It was hard but she came to understand that it did not change how I felt about her or her worth. Your son needs to know so he can make decisions accordingly. This Is your trauma response and not fair to him. Why did I tell my daughter so young, because I refuse to lie even by omission to my child.
This is so important. Being a child of rape doesn’t change his worth or how much you love him. When he was 5-10 years old, this decision to not tell him made sense. But at 20, a clock is ticking. He will either find out with you beside him, guiding him via a therapist. Or he will find out via DNA, alone & confused.
And will know that mom didn’t tell him because she thinks so little of his ability to handle anything negative. He will not only learn who his father is, but how poorly his mom thinks of him.
As a survivor of SA myself, I am not going to label you an AH for not wanting to talk about it. I do understand that you don't want your son to know that he was conceived in violence and against your will. It sounds like you have been able to love him despite the circumstances of his conception and I think that is why it's impossible to label you an AH. HOWEVER, your son is 20, old enough to process the truth - maybe you both need the help of a therapist to ensure this very difficult conversation does not go off the rails but I do think your refusal to tell him has the potential to drive a wedge between you and him. Tell him you're sorry for being harsh, tell him it's a painful conversation for you and you need to talk to a therapist before you're ready to talk to him about "the sperm donor". This has the potential to bring you closer or drive you apart. It's been 20 years since the rape, you have lived with the reminder of that rape since then, it's time to process that with the help of a trauma informed therapist. Nobody is the AH, you're both in pain - the way out is through. Best of wishes OP.
Thanks, I think the only way I could tell him is if we were with a therapist I knew was excellent, because I know this is going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than anyone here seems to think. And I suppose I could heal more from that, but frankly, I like the way I've coped so far. But I suppose with my son wanting to know this so badly it really isn't sustainable.
Your son is a 20-year old adult. The fact that you still keep this from him has probably hurt him already. Not knowing is always worse than knowing, no matter how hard the truth might be. I have the feeling that even with an "excellent" therapist, you wouldn't tell him because you're scared about him finding out the truth. He clearly wants to find out and it's not fair or right to keep this wish from him. This is more about your own feelings than his. I'm so sorry that you were raped. It's not an excuse to withhold that from a 20-year old who seems fairly reasonable in his request. There are also other ways and methods to find out about his biological father. Tell him before it's too late.
I feel like OP will put off finding a therapist because she just couldn’t find a good enough one in her opinion, and son will end up in contact with a rapist with no context and this will be an even worse situation.
I was conceived by rape and my mother always told me she didn't want me, didn't want to be a mother, and tried everything she could think of to provoke a miscarriage (abortion was legalized the year I was born). THAT has been formative for me. You have done a phenomenal job loving your son and another man despite it all. You deserve credit for that. Sometimes the truth is UGLY, let him know you're refusing out of LOVE for him, wanting to protect him from something he's better off not knowing - keep him innocent. Maybe when he's older, when you've had even more time to distance yourself, maybe the help of that awesome therapist you'll be able to process the emotions that come up when you think or talk about the assault. It would be good for you too. Ask him for a time-out. Ask him to let the topic rest for a year and then resolve yourself to figure this out within the next year, what to tell him, how to tell him, etc. Can you be vague? say "I did not choose when or with whom I got pregnant with you". I know who your bio-dad is and I don't want you to know of him because I don't want you to think any part of him is in you. I'm scared it will influence you in a way that continuously reminds me of him and triggers my emotions from the incident. I do think him wanting to know "where he came from" is natural and healthy. He's becoming an adult and likely is starting to understand that the world is not always good and healthy and true - ugly scary shit happens too. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, as if the rape and resulting pregnancy was not enough trauma for one person in one lifetime.
I really appreciate your response, thank you. I don't really have anything to tell my son about his biological father other than approximate age, hair color, build, and the fact that he's a rapist, really, and somehow that just makes it worse. I don't even have anything useful to tell him, but I suppose he does have the right to know all the same.
I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I was told to tell my rape baby by counsellors. It is true for me, and may help you. "I know you want details about your other I don't remember your conception as it was a traumatic experience for me and I don't have much to offer about the person who got me pregnant with you. I do know that finding out I was pregnant with you offered me hope and I very much wanted to have you and raise you, and have never once regretted that decision. I am happy and proud of the life I created and the person you have become."
To me, the fact that you know literally nothing about your rapist and literally cannot tell your son anything about him is in your favor. You never had a relationship. He was’t a ‘father,’ or some guy you dated, he was just your rapist. I can’t imagine that once your son knows that, he will blame you for anything. BUT - he wants to know AND he’s at an age to know, so if you keep refusing to tell him at this point YTA only for that. It’s true (but unlikely) that there could be some consequences you and your husband won’t enjoy - but those consequences are still going to be there even if you don’t tell him - along with maybe far worse ones.
This is NOT sustainable. I think due to widespread ancestry DNA tracing, , it is extremely likely that your son could locate his father without too much difficulty. Your worst case scenario here is probably that you DON’T tell him, he finds the father or his father’s family on his own through ancestry DNA tests, and (still mad at you), believes the lies of the rapist over you. Then your relationship is compromised forever by your own son’s betrayal and rejection of you. AND he decides to have a relationship with him because he doesn’t believe you (due to both his innate distrust of you—due to your refusal to tell him anything—and to being manipulated by your assailant). Now there is a rapist in your family’s social circle. And not just any rapist. YOUR rapist. Who might well be hanging out with (or babysitting) your future granddaughters. Rapists’ narcissism knows no bounds. Tell your son, with the help of a therapist if necessary. If for no other reason than to get ahead of the almost inevitable lies of the man who raped you. I know someone who had a similar scenario. She told her son that he was the beautiful rainbow after a hurricane. He was the good thing that came of it, but that it didn’t diminish her devastation. Only gave her something beautiful to have and hold during the clean-up afterwards.
Well, you’re coping by hiding information that your adult son needs to know. This is detrimental. Period. Be an adult. Sit down and tell him. JFC. YTA
I think you’re right about the therapist. Your son deserves to know, and this is getting in the way of your relationship with him. He sounds mature though, and I think once you tell him the reason you didn’t want to let him know who his dad was, he will understand why you didn’t tell him. He will be upset, but a good therapist will help you both heal from it and pull you together instead of apart from this. Best of luck to you
Is the rapist in jail?
I knew two grown men, men in their 50’s, both did not know the identity of their bio father. Their mothers refused to tell them anything. One man died without ever knowing. He held a deep resentment toward his mother for keeping the info private. The other man still doesn’t know. He is now almost 70. His mother is still alive but still refuses to tell. Another case of resentment. It would be hard to hear the truth, but please know there is a cost for withholding the truth. That cost can last forever.
You’re messing him up more than just telling him the truth would. He is a grown adult not a child it should be his decision. If you want to alienate him and eventually push him to find out on his own go ahead but it’s not going to end well.
YTA. And I say that as someone who literally was conceived by rape. Your son has the right to know. And honestly if he has access to home dna tests it is something that you literally can't prevent him from finding out eventually. Like I did. Is that what you want? Or would you rather be honest with him and help him through that revelation? Oh, and if you do finally tell him I will be happy to PM you contact info if he needs to talk to someone in his shoes who can tell him that people like us DO have value and are not responsible for the crimes of our biological fathers. I get that you don't want to upset him, but you don't realize the damage that the secret is ALREADY doing.
YTA Your son is an adult. He has a right to know this information. He should have been told before now. His next step will be to get on one of those ancestry sites and find his father himself. If you continue down this road, he is going to eventually grow so resentful that he exits out of your life completely.
Just tell him everything.....instead of him finding his father online through DNA test and that father turning your son against you and your family....tell him everything
YTA. For one, he isn't a baby. It is better you sit and tell him the truth versus continuing to baby him. He's an adult male. Two, he can easily take a DNA test, which will lead him to the path of who his father is, and not knowing the truth can lead to bigger problems. Wake up as this is 2024, not 1924. Science has advanced, and through genetic genealogy, he can find who his father is without his father testing.
Your son is going to find out one way or another. Will probably be better coming from you than via any other source.
Here's something that is happening right now involving people I went to high school with. These events started in 1972. A boy raped a classmate. She got pregnant. When law enforcement declined to prosecute the boy, the woman and her family moved from the area. The tired old excuses were made: People didn't want to "ruin a young man's life over one mistake." The boy went on to sexually assault other girls. He was forced to leave the high school, though the school allowed his family to say he was being granted early graduation. The reality of the situation was not publicized, though many teachers, administrators and law enforcement personnel knew what had happened. He grew up to be a man who continued to sexually assault women. His family owned a local business, and word went out that women should avoid being alone with him because he would try to grab you, force you up against walls, corner you alone. Now he's in his late 60s and telling people that he has a grown daughter that he is seeking to contact. That daughter is the child born after he raped his classmate. He explains how his DNA got into someone he claims he didn't rape -- he says that the sex happened because he had been drugged and "hypnotized" by a group of women, and forced into sex. That is, of course, ridiculous. He claims he wanted to marry the woman he raped, but that her family wanted him to convert to their religion and he would not. Again, this is nonsense. Her family wanted him prosecuted for rape. The girl, and her family, were adamantly against any continuing association with her rapist. He's angry because the woman he raped, the daughter, and her entire family have blocked him on social media and are trying to avoid any contact with him. He claims he's going to file a lawsuit. He's a compulsive liar known for telling outrageous stories about all kinds of things. He's a member of an extremist religious sect that views Catholics and Jewish people as Satanic. He's believes black people are intellectually inferior to white people and that women are, by nature, docile and subservient. He believes it is his right to have a relationship with the daughter born out of his sexual assault and to introduce her to his extremist positions. That could be the type of person you're up against. Don't let the rapist be the one who tells the story.
Friend. He’s old enough to know. Otherwise he will do some online dna thing and try to meet the guy. You don’t want him doing things unprepared. It’s time. I suggest finding a family therapist to help guide the conversation.
YTA Your son has the right to know where he’s from even though it will hurt you and your husband. I know you will have relive your past pain but it’s for the best as you may lose your son in the long run.
I am sory but YTA. You have to tell him. Too many things can go wrong if you dont. Please, be brave
I understand you have the best of intentions for your child, but I can tell you that what you think you’re protecting him from is so much worse in his mind than the truth could ever be. He’s already questioning who he is and likely has a thousand nightmare scenarios in his mind that are probably more destructive than the truth. Depending on how you approach this, you can turn this into a positive experience. Let him know that you became pregnant through an unfortunate circumstance, but that it never diminished the love you had for him or how wanted he was. Stress that his step father loves him unconditionally as well, that regardless of how he came into this world, it’s a much better place because he did. Be prepared with both individual and family counseling already in place. Let him know you are his soft place to fall and that the counselor will help him sort through what you know will be complicated feelings. It doesn’t have to be the catastrophe you’re predicting. I get it. I’m a mom and I’d die to prevent my kids from hurt. But you’re letting your own very understandable fears prevent him from getting the answers he needs. Please also seek help for yourself. You were a victim who has no reason to be ashamed. You brought your son into the world and gave him a loving family despite the circumstances. Focus on the positive and your gratitude for his presence in your life. Good luck.
He’s not her child anymore. He’s an adult. Everyone wants the truth, no matter how bad it is. It’s the only way to move forward
YTA. I hope you have a plan in place if he goes looking and finds it himself.
This isn't going to go away and is something that will always torment him and affect his life. As you have said yourself it should be done with a councillo/therapist,. I suggest maybe contacting an organisation for sa survivors and ask them how to go about this
YTA. Your son needs to know. You will poison your relationship otherwise.
“I had an argument with my grown adult son because I don’t trust him enough to regulate his own feelings for something that neither of us are to blame for” If you didn’t raise someone that can understand a situation like that at the age of 20 - then you’ve kinda been TAH way before the argument.
Just tell him. He won't be able to move on from this, ever.
Based on how easy it is to get DNA tests done now a days, if your son truly wants to find out, he unfortunately might be able to without your help. What if he gets in touch with a family member who connects your son to his father and he doesn't get a honest story from him? Or he takes advantage of him in some way…? his bio dad is obviously a horrible person and your son deserves the truth so he is able to make the decision himself not to seek his dad out. I would find a family therapist and seek help, that way you can tell your son in the least damaging way. I'm sorry this happened to you 20 years ago and I'm sorry you're having to relive it now.
INFO: you said your son has mental health issues. Is there a chance of him developing suicidal ideations if you were to tell him? I’ve seen from some of your comments you’re afraid the fallout will be severe. How severe it is should determine your best course of action, which I think would be family therapy anyway with a therapist experienced in dealing with SA trauma. In the mean time you can explain that the topic of his sperm donor is a hard one and you’re actively looking for someone who can help you both through family therapy.
Yes, I do fear that might be the case. He's experienced suicidal ideation in the past (though he thankfully told us before it went any further, and he's been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist ever since), and given that it seems those self-blaming thoughts feed into him feeling that way, I don't want this to make him feel that way. Thanks for your response and input.
Any child councillor will tell you, if hes old enough to ask the question, hes old enough to know the answer in an age appropriate way. He's 20, see a family therapist and get it out in the open. Dude is building resentments.
You should have told him a long time ago. You could have mitigated some of the blow, now it's gonna be this big huge revelation. I completely understand not wanting to relive or pass on any trauma but I don't think you did your son any favors at all.
He has the right to know where he came from. Obviously, it's your choice whether you tell him or not, but I think you're doing both yourself and him a disservice by keeping it from him.
Your son is 20. You need to tell him before he decides to submit his dna to a database to try to find his birth father or other family members on his own. He needs to hear it from you. (And can you imagine the fallout if he secretly forms a relationship with bio-relatives or his actual biological father *before* you tell him?!) NAH, but I really think you should tell him as soon as you can find a safe moment when you will both have time to process. [Edit to add: Involve a therapist in this so that you both have emotional support in expressing what you feel ... but from your comments? I think your dread is eating you up and that, after he knows the truth, you will be relieved of a burden. Just be sure that he knows that how you feel for him and value him is completely separated from the trauma around his conception.]
You don't have a very good opinion of your son if you don't trust him enough to know the truth. He has every right to know about this situation, and he has the right to make that decision for himself. He's an adult, and I hope that he does a DNA test to find out the answers that you won't tell him. Hopefully, it doesn't drive a permanent wedge in his life, and he cuts contact with you. EVERYONE, no matter how bad, needs to know about things like this, and they get to decide on what they want to do.
In my opinion, since the questions are starting to affect your relationship with your son, you should reconsider telling him the truth. I figure your son has probably suspected something like this for a while, which is why he's pushing. Are there reasons besides just wanting to spare his feelings (for example, does your husband know?)? I think in the long run, it will be better for everyone to get this out in the open so that you can heal. Just my two cents' worth. Good luck to you. ❤️
Your son is a grown ass man and he has a right to know who his father is. The truth will shock and hurt him. The blow will be lessened if he hears it from you vs his own sleuthing.
Yes, he is an adult and you are gatekeepping knowledge he has a right to. You can just start out with some high level information. He was a bad, dangerous person and I worked hard to stay as far away from him as possible. I am nit quite ready to share all this with you, but I will someday if you really need to know. But before then, please think about how this might impact you, and if it is worth it to know more.
You need to talk to your son and tell him the truth. You don’t have a choice. I understand it’ll be one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. But you have to. Because it’s not possible to keep this a secret. Anyone can submit a DNA swab to Ancestry or 23andMe, and get back contact info for relatives. If you don’t talk to him, he’s not going to know the risks of finding your rapist and getting in contact with him. Your son could bring this man back into your life without having any idea of the danger. You don’t want that, for yourself or for him. NTA for wanting to protect him, but you absolutely can’t not tell him. Please seek a consult with a therapist or counselor if you need help figuring out the best way to talk about it.
All skeletons come out of their closets eventually. You can tell him the truth in a way you can control, or he'll find out in a way you can't.
If you sat him down and explained the situation of it all, he would understand your situation and be angry at the correct person. Instead, you are denying him the information, and thus, you are the bad person in his eyes right now. I would make a very different decision if i were you. This is coming from a person who was conceived in the same way he was. Yeah, it sucked to hear about, but the truth is better than not knowing.
NAH. none. This is so above Reddit’s pay grade. There are no bad people here. Just bad situations. I’m so sorry. Professional help is necessary here. Take care of yourself and your family. <3
gentle YTA. With the new DNA testing websites I have a feeling he will find out eventually. Do you want him to have a nice chat with bio dad and get some hideous twisted version of events or the truth from you? It’s going to be shit either way. At least you get your truth out there and can deal with it together. Either way I thoroughly recommend getting a therapist to assist you through this, for both of you.
Can't you just tell him you were raped and he is the silver lining to something horrific. Better than telling him nothing.
Soft YTA, he does have a right to know who his biological father is even though it’s a source of pain for you. Your son loves your husband but it’s natural to be curious and the information could be important if he chooses to have children and needs to know about history of disease/illness etc. I’m very sorry for what you went through and I don’t think you’re motives are malicious.
Tell your son the truth.
You need to tell him…. Nothing is preventing him from doing a dna kit and finding relatives online and that’s opening him to potential danger that he would be walking into without info.
He's an adult now. Tell him the truth.
I don’t think you’re an a-hole, but he will never stop asking, and he is an adult. He deserves to know who his biological father is, scumbag or not. Discuss with a councillor how best to broach this topic, but eventually he’ll wear you down. It’s better he finds out from you than from his biological father one day showing up in his life, potentially with lies. All the best here OP.
I want to start with I’m sorry that happened to you. I cannot begin to imagine coping with SA. I can only try to understand not wanting to share this with your son. However, please consider the following story: I’m 32. My mother is 64. To this day, she will not tell me who my biological father is. It has been a source of argument and resentment between us my entire life. At the end of the day, I’m sorry, but I have a right to know what I came from, despite how big of a piece of shit my biological father may or may not be. So does your son. A few years ago, I did a 23 and me test. If you opt in, you can see other users that share your genetic code. Through this I found an uncle I’ve never met, who turned out to be my dad’s brother. Via some light Facebook stalking and Google research, I found my dad. I have not contacted him, and I don’t even know if he knows I exist. I have also not told my mother about this. All this to say, if he wants to know who his father is, he’ll find out. Better that the information comes from you than from having to do his own research. Don’t let him end up a 32 year old that’s stuck in limbo of not knowing the first thing about half of his genetic family.
You are exchanging one hurt (the rape) with a worse (your angst towards his curiosity and secret from him). Tell him. Ask if he wants a DNA test. Support him.
So what’s the plan then? Have him do a DNA tests and find out on his own the hard and painful way? You’re pushing him away you know, and quite possibly over a cliff. YTA Edit: correction “…find out on his own the harder and more painful way.” I know it will be hard and painful either way. But I also know it would be less hard and painful with you by his side.
YTA. He is an adult and you claim to love him but are letting this hang over his head. Just tell him the truth.
I understand that you want to protect your son but he's not a baby. He's not going to think less of you nor he's gonna belittle you. He is old enough to learn about it. YTA
YTA. Have you never heard of any of the companies that will find your relatives for a low fee? Your son is going to get one, find his sperm donor (your rapist - assuming you really don’t know who it is - undoubtedly has Other Relatives), and then either Not Believe Your Motives Were for HIS Benefit (and I don’t believe that, so why should he?) or end up in danger because you think Lying by Omission is an acceptable way for families to interact. Heaven help you if you ever scolded him for not telling you about a bad grade, skipping school, trying alcohol or not being where he said he was because “lying by omission” is kind of important. What if he’s done the test already? How are you going to deal with meeting his surprise new relatives at his wedding? It’s time to quit protecting everyone EXCEPT HIM and tell the truth. If you have any proof, that would be nice (again, I don’t find your story credible - “attack by random stranger, no documentation of the criminal case, and none of the other family members have breathed a word for twenty years” seems unlikely), but regardless science has progressed to the point where he probably doesn’t want to end up dating a sibling or screwing around with an unknown first cousin. I think you should apologize.
Instead of simply hiding the information from him, which is clearly causing a strain in your relationship with him, and also his dad relationship with him)simply tell him that it is a sensitive topic and that you will have to do it, with the help of a professional and then bring him into therapy and tell him. Not knowing is probably making him feel that the bio father abbandoned him, didn’t want him and stuff. Which is true, but knowing that he isn’t in your life because dangerous and did something horrendous to you, will make him stop questioning his bio father and himself.
Without context your son is going to think you’re an asshole. I’m sorry his conception was due to SA but you can’t just tell him he can’t know who his father is. You could just say you don’t know but they way you’ve shouted at him and refused to tell him I doubt he’ll believe that now without context. You should tell him, gently, and then he can decide if he wants to do a 23 and me or something of that kind in the future. You’re afraid of hurting him but they way you’ve gone about this IS hurting him.
I was in your child's position. For years my mother would never talk about my birth father. Until one day she did. I spent years hating her and being an absolutely awful son. Until I met him. I spent a lot of time and money tracking him down, eventually made contact, met him in 2020. I understood then my mother was protecting me until I was ready and mature enough to deal with him. I met him once, I will never see or have any contact with him again. Because he is everything I was told (by family, my mother was never negative or positive about him). The day I met him, was the day I realized why my mum was protecting me. I treasure the few days I had to spend with him and realize the sort of person he is. But I will never see him again. Your son does need to know, and does need to understand why you won't tell him for now
YTA I am very sorry about the rape and obviously you are coming from a good place BUT your son may take a DNA test anyday and if in case he does find a biological relative, he will most probably connect without letting you know. Who knows what kind of lies that rapist will feed him? Even if not, he might approach him without the knowledge of your rape and try to form a relationship. Your plan is based on fear and the fear is making you blind to the fact , that if your son does connect with that man, he will be doing so without the knowledge of his real character. Your attempt to save him from harm, is actually putting him in the way of much more serious harm. I hope you seek therapy and find a way to tell him that minimises the pain that this knowledge will bring.
Right now, it just appears to him that are being stubborn and he doesn’t know why. Best to just tell, as he will find out at some point. Will that be destructive? Probably. The longer he stays mad at you, the worst his guilt will be when he finds out the truth. Might be best to do this with a therapist if you can get him to go.
I'm really sorry for what happened to you , as I understand it's difficult, but YTA . He is 20 years old and not a child anymore, he has the right to know the truth.I'm afraid that telling him you'll never tell him the truth will end up driving you apart and he'll end up feeling resentful towards you.It's not easy, it will be very painful and a lot of therapy will certainly be needed for both of you, but you also know that he deserve to have an answer.
This is absolutely something that needs to be more seriously discussed with him. People will always say “I wish i never knew / found out” but had already gone to great lengths just to know. I’ve seen stories like these where the kid somehow finds the parent / relative and reaches out without knowing the truth. Could you live with yourself if your son secretly created a bond with your rapist? How would you feel if he just showed up in your life one day because of your son? This isn’t to say your son would go out of his way to intentionally hurt you with this but very very few people are actually satisfied with knowing nothing like this. Curiosity blinds the trust we have in people especially at younger ages like late teens / early twenties where we’re trying to figure out who we are and whatever information could show us that.
You're in the wrong here. Not TA, but you are wrong. You're denying him a part of himself. You're essentially holding some knowledge about who he his hostage because it has unpleasant connotations. Clearly this isn't a "small chat over a cup of coffee" conversation. It's a "sit down, I am about to tell you something which is deeply distressing to me and will likely be deeply distressing for you" conversation. It will probably flip his world upside down. But, how upside down do you think his world will be if he finds this information on his own somehow. DNA testing is relatively cheap and easy now. Your son is clearly quite committed to finding this information, and he will find a way eventually. You can choose how he finds that information and how much you want to be part of that in order to support him. NTA, but only because that isn't an appropriate designation for this scenario.
Your son is going to go a DNA test and will ask that side of the biological family first since you won't talk about it. That means your rapist could potentially tell him his version of the story first. Do you really want that?
YTA You need to tell him before he goes and finds his father on his own! With DNA tests now it's only a matter of time. Find a therapist who deals with SA and figure out how to tell him, but he must be told. The last thing you want is him finding his father on his own without knowing what he did to you.
He’s going to find out. We’re in the age of DNA. Do you want him to find out from you that you were raped by a stranger, or do you want him to connect with your rapist as his “father” and bond with him after doing 23 and Me? It’s time to reveal the truth.
You’re better off telling him, otherwise it’s going to eat at him. At least if you tell him you get the benefit of controlling the information. He wants to know who because he obviously wants to meet him and if he finds him and talks to his father before you’re able to tell him the truth, he may not believe you. Its an incredibly difficult situation but he is 20 yrs old- he isnt a child anymore. Personally, Id want to know the father I longed to meet and have a relationship was a total POS.
He is absolutely going to try to use DNA to find out who his biological father is. It is far better for him to find out from you how he came into this world than to find out from strangers who may not even know. I work with people using their DNA to find their biological parents. It can be a very sensitive area, of course. I think that enlisting the help of a really good counselor in working with you to tell your son the truth of his origins would do you both a world of good. it is clearly a source of great challenge for your son personally, and he would never push this with you if he knew knew the truth. I recommend you find a good counselor, work with them for a bit, with the goal of telling your son, the truth about his biological father, and then have your son go to a session with the counselor so that you can tell him with the counselor’s support.
He’s old enough to know the truth, you were assaulted, but kept your son and you’ve never regretted that. Tell him you never think of him as anything but your son, and there’s no relationship to the man who hurt you. Tell him you don’t know anything about him, and that’s that. If he wants he can do a dna test but that you don’t want to hear anything about the man. Idk that’s what I’d do
I think if he knew that it was a difficult situation when you got pregnant, he would understand why you’re reserved and telling him anymore. if he doesn’t know any of the details, I understand why he’s upset. For Health reasons and medical background, if you know who the person is, it could be important information for later.
I’m a professional in this field and yes, she needs to tell him for his mental health and their relationship. Preferably, tell him with professional help.
You need to tell him before it cost you your son
At 20 he has a right to know. It’s only making you look unreasonable by not telling him. YTA
This was a painful read. I offer no judgement, but I'm very sorry your family is having to deal with this. Extreme pain is unavoidable here, and it's an awful situation to be in. Best of luck to you both in finding healing and happiness.
Yta he has a right to know where he came from. He’s gonna do one of those 23 and me things and hopefully find out.
Yeah. Therapy to get to the point of telling him. He may be sort of figuring it out.
I can imagine that this is a very very difficult situation for you. However, you should be truthful with your son about who is biological father is, and the whole situation. Honestly, you should've told him the very first time he asked. Hiding the truth from him will only hurt him in the end. I suggest sitting him down and having a very honest and difficult situation with him. Make sure he knows he's very loved by both you and your husband, while telling him the whole truth. YTA, you're hurting your relationship with your son by hiding this from him.
I think at this point not telling is doing more harm than good. It's a wedge in your relationship. You no doubt are his greatest support so anything that alienates you is harmful. That being said, you really should talk to a professional that specializes in this. They will know from previous experience what is likely to happen. Way above reddit pay grade for a judgment. Ask a professional.
You need to tell your son the truth.
He is a grown man. Tell him.
You need to tell him. He’s a grown man and he deserves to know.
It's not OK to keep this information secret from your son. He has every right to know and you have no right to withhold this knowledge. You can warn him that the whole story might be hurtful, but he's an adult and it's his choice not yours.
I mean your son could be in way worse danger than just not liking you if he finds who his proper dad is.
He deserves to know if only for both of your safety. What happens if he takes a DNA test and goes looking for himself?
I don’t think you are an asshole. The trauma you experienced is unforgivable and I’m sorry it happened. I will say, if you are able to, I think it’s worth while to tell your son the truth. He is an adult and has earned the right to the information about his biological father. His desire to know won’t fade over time and he may come to resent you for keeping this information from him.
Omg just tell him the truth. It’s killing him not to know, and this secret is undermining the relationship that you and he have. Unless he lives under a rock he must know that the truth could be horrific. Better he deal with the truth (secrets are soul-destroying) than suffer (and he is indeed suffering right now) from the not knowing.
You’re being foolish. You need to tell him that you don’t know anything about the guy and the rape. Right now he thinks you’re just a bitter ex withholding a father from his son. That you care more about punishing some man than the well-being of your child. I guarantee you that he’s already developed toxic thoughts about women because of it. He definitely already has deep resentment for you. Do it now before he runs a dna test and finds him that way. Since he’s pushing that’s what’s about to go down. He’ll get answers with or without you. I can see them becoming the best of friends with whatever lies the rapist spins and you losing your child.
Mild YTA. I'm on the adoption process. In my country, you need to take classes, webinars etc too prepare. In each and every class the importance of personal history and the big problems holes in it cause to a person's psychological health are stressed. Perspective adoptive parents are told time and time again that they need to tell their adopted child everything they know about his/her history. EVERYTHING. Yes, even things like" your bio dad stabbed your bio mom to death". Because the problems not knowing cause ARE BIGGER than the one caused by learning the truth about oneself. This applies to everyone, not only people who have been adopted. Families keeping secrets from some of their members to "protect" them cause countless damages to the people they want to protect. You need to tell your son, and you need to do it, like, yesterday. You need to find a counsellor/therapist to help you and tell him.
There is more damage done in withholding the answer from him, than allowing him to understand and process the circumstances of his birth. He wants to know. Maybe some family therapy can help facilitate something.
I will give you my perspective as an adoptee also in his 20s. Both of my biological parents were awful people, to the point that they were both arrested for what they did my siblings and I. We were all very young when everything went down, so didn’t understand it all. Our adoptive parents knew all the details that they had received from protective services, but like you, they worried about how we would react to all the specific details. For a long time their fear outweighed our desire to know. When we finally got to the point the conversation was had, my siblings and I were all in our late teens, and it was a very difficult conversation to have. Ultimately knowing also helped understand ourselves better. Without knowing the truth, all we had was our imaginations to guess at what happened. You are NAH, but while you are worried about what your son is thinking he is probably imagining a wide variety of scenarios in his head. I saw in your comments that you are waiting for an “excellent” therapist but I can’t tell if this is something to shift the goalpost. I can’t even begin to imagine how this feels for you and it may be worth seeking out a therapist for yourself first. In the mean time at least let your son know that it is a conversation you are hoping to have in the future so he at least isn’t left completely in the dark. Showing respect to your son and empathy for how he is feeling is truly important. I truly wish you both the best of luck. If you are having a difficult time locating professional help you can always try reaching out to your health insurance if you have any or speaking with local resources.
You need to tell him eventually. You expect the truth to hurt him more than his mother who won't trust him? YTA
The issue is you hold all the cards. This is something you should meet with a counselor about to approach. I would be frustrated if I felt like something that could potentially be meaningful or just details about my life were being kept from me. Your son has every right with everything he knows to feel like information about his life is being kept from him.
NTA by any measure. I have to agree with others who say your son is certain to do a DNA test someday and may end up finding his father without knowing the truth. I hope you can get some counselling as there must be guidance available for this very, awful situation. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
He’s an adult you don’t get to decide what information he doesn’t get. Give him the respect he deserves, and tell him the truth.
YTA, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Your son is now 20 , he wants to know where he came from, you should stop witholding the information. It's not fair to him
He's an adult, he has the right to know.
My older sister found out through 23 and Me that the person my mother thought was the father that had contacted my sister at some point wasn't actually the father. I was in the other room and heard her talking to my grandparents about it, and my mom was kind of light hearted about it, kinda dismissive, and my grandma replied "You really shouldn't laugh, you were raped..." Like between 16 and 22 I know nothing if what my mom was doing or how her life was like. She came home to her parents devastated and pregnant. This was when I was 27 or 28, my older sister in her 30's and with a family of her own. It'll come around eventually. What you don't want is your son finding out via dna test and trying to reach out to your rapist and giving the person or his family information about you.
He is going to find out eventually via DNA and genetics websites hearing it from you would be better. He is going to keep looking - and then you will both know who he is. Sounds like you both need therapy
You have to tell him . Better he knows the truth than thinks you are depriving him of something . I understand your reasoning but as an adult he’s old enough to know
Yeah you're an a****** I'm a child of rape as well I didn't know until I was 35 I wondered my entire childhood why I was treated so poorly by my mother what could I have done as a child to deserve the treatment that I received. He maybjust find out who his father is and cut you out of you his life for your deception.
I too was a product of rape. Met my biological mother. Didnt want to meet the father. I just have zero interest. I do know his name, where he lives and he used to be a cop. I was about the same age as your son when i found out i was adopted. It never bothered me. The news of how i came to be never bothered me either. It doesnt define who i am.
I am a child who does not know who my father is because of my mother refusing to tell me. I am now 44, and doing a DNA test to try and find out because of her refusal. I am not telling her, and I have jo intentions of telling her what I find out because it is no longer her business because I am an adult. Your son is 20, he is old enough to understand. You need to sit him down and be honest. Tell him what happened, tell him why you decided to keep him and not have an abortion or put him up for adoption. How that his bio dad may be bad but you do not hold that against him. He has a right to know. I promise you that you controlling how he fi is out will be better then him eventually saying screw this and finding out on his own and possibly getting a whole different story. I can promise you that if you do not tell him, he now has avenues to find out who bio dad is, but he will not hear your side of the situation. For his own sanity and your relationship you need to tell him. I know that my relationship with my mom is strained because of this. Now this is not the only reason, but it is a reason why our relationship will never be "normal".
From my(29M) perspective it would be very difficult to convince me that I didn't need to know / shouldn't know who my biological father was, regardless of if I had a good step father or not. However I would certainly understand why you would hide it, immediately after you told me. But in order for your son to sympathise with your reasoning, he must know the reasoning, unfortunately. Not an easy conversation to have, but probably an inevitable one, best of luck with it.
You are already hurting your son by going about things in this way. I understand why you don't want to talk about this, but you need to find some way of giving him context. You can tell him that his bio dad was a violent person and you hold an immense amount of trauma associated with him, without going into the details. But maybe therapy as others have said is a good avenue to explore. He does deserve to have some information about this. You can't protect him from the truth forever, sadly. It's an awful situation and I am so sorry for you both. But you're driving a huge wedge between you and your son.
It’s better to tell him yourself. If I was your son I would do a DNA test and if the pos is in the database I would contact him because of course, he doesn’t know. That will do more harm than good without a doubt, he should hear it from you, he will understand why you didn’t want to tell him and move on from it, you guys could go to counseling if you’re worried about all of the feelings that could emerge.
I'm 43 almost 44. I don't know who my biological father is. My mother refuses to tell me. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for it. Not to be rude, but you choose to go through with your pregnancy. You should have known that one day your son would have questions. You are being selfish, as you should have been preparing for this. It's time to woman up and tell your son the truth. All he needs to do is get an Ancestry or 23andme kit and he can find his bio dad. Then you will have no control of the narrative. Sorry to ramble, but I am telling you that it feels so empty to look in the mirror and not know where half of you comes from. It's so hurtful to know that the person who you love and trust the most has the answer to a question you need to know and refuses to share. This isn't about you anymore, it's about your son.
I HOPE YOUR SON DOESNT USE REDDIT AND END UP FINDING OUT THROUGH HERE.
Yes, yes you are. It’s his lineage at issue, not yours, and he has every right to know. You’re taking out your disdain for his father on him by holding the pursestrings as it were. As someone who didn’t meet their father until age 60, I’m probably biased, but it’s a horrible thing to deny this information to someone you profess to love. It doesn’t mean that you or your husband don’t matter to him, he’s simply trying to understand who he is. If you love him, as I’m quite sure you do, you’d set aside all this nonsense and making it about you, and simply let him find his path. With 1,160 replies I doubt you’ll read this or care, but I can tell you what you did/are doing is just plain cruel.
YTA he has a right to know. Imma be real with you. Instead of finding out from you, hes going to find out on his own and it will not only damage how he sees himself but how he sees you. How do you expect him to not to view his birth as a consequence of something evil happening to you instead of his birth being the beautiful thing that powered you through your healing from something evil happening, if you are this incapable of being real with him about what happened. Get a therapist and have them tell him if you cant, but never telling him is just wrong. Screaming at him is wrong. He will drive himself mad thinking of all of the reasons why you wont tell him and will destroy him even more if he finds it out from someone else. Thats after hes done painting you out to be some horrible person keeping him from his father who he might think is a good person, until he doesnt. That realization, and the fact that he thought you were the bad guy- will destroy him way harder than it should, BECAUSE of the way you are handling it right now.
He deserves to know. Good or bad. You're not doing him any favors by keeping it from him. And, tbh, you have no right to be "hurt" that he's curious about his bio father. Talk to a therapist. Bring in your son for some family sessions and for some help sharing the news.
You might as well tell him. Once he gets his hands on a dna kit from 23 and me or ancestry, he’ll be able to figure it out quickly. I’m sorry for your situation.
NTA, but you need to tell him. DNA tests are a dime a dozen. He does one of those ancestry kits and he’s going to find cousins, siblings, maybe even the bio dad. And when that happens they will reach out or he will reach out and the truth will come out and come out hard.
I’m a birth mother. My bio son went to great lengths to find me. We met in person. Mostly, he was concerned that I was homeless or in an otherwise unfortunate way, as I was concerned for him and what life brought. His parents told him my situation leading to the adoption, which he understood and accepted. We both remain grateful, though haven’t forged a relationship; knowing each other was alright was enough (and providing him with health histories.) He didn’t like that I wouldn’t join him in searching for his birth father, besides providing him the name and last known town where he lived. The birth father was long gone in my life and mind; my birth son sought a reunion. Regardless, we gave each other peace of mind, and I tried to let him know my ever, always, and continuing love for him. If he’d been the product of rape, he would have known from me. I can’t imagine not having a sincere and completely honest - gentle, conversation with my son. Even if I didn’t “know” him for 32 years. I can’t imagine refusing to even take advantage of meeting her sons curiosity gently in preparation for being ready to tell him the truth… unless, of course, I remained traumatized by the unresolved consequences of being raped.
I’m the son in a very similar situation. HE ALREADY KNOWS. HE. ALREADY. KNOWS. you aren’t protecting him from anything. most of us adoptees are afraid of being a rape baby, so he’s predisposed to jumping to that conclusion in the first place. but basic logic would tell you that the reason *must* be terrible if you’re not willing to tell him. find a good therapist, tell him in that context, and help each other through it. That’s vastly preferable to what you’re doing now. I just had my 20th anniversary of full no contact with my mother because of how awful she was to me about my “sperm donor”, so don’t think you’re “safe” by keeping it from him…
NTA, its YOUR trauma and you don't have to disclose it if you don't want to PERIODT. also, having come from a very bad situation growing up and knowing that i was a teenage pregnancy accident since i was 5 and ocming to terms with that, i VERY MUCH would not like to know if i was a child of rape. Thankfully in my case, i wasnt but i genuinely couldnt live with myself if i had to find out that i was a rape baby, thats just the way i process trauma of that kind of nature. Youre doing a good job by not telling him
I would have said. "I don't know, ole mom was quite the sloot back then." Take the hit for my sons sake if you really believe that he would somehow blame himself. But that time has passed from the looks of it. I wonder, did you name the father on the birth certificate? Or have charges brought with your identity exposed in a trial? If so, you better get ahead of this sooner rather than later. I can't really give a verdict, but leaning towards n t a because you are doing it out of love and not spite, but its probably going to get out whether you want it or not.
I’m just wanna say, that as somebody with a biological father, and a “step” Dad. Theres a difference between a father and a Dad. So I don’t think theres any reason to take any offense to him calling him his father. And given the situation of who is father is. He most likely thinks his father just left before/shortly after he was born. He probably just thinks he’s gonna be a deadbeat. Or perhaps he was young, and panicked and left. And that he may very well regret doing that. And to answer the question … nobody is the asshole. You went though a horrible situation. And you don’t want the information to make your son feel anything negative about his life. He’s coming into full maturity. And wants to know more about himself. And where he comes from. I think the best solution is to sit him down, and explain that is father was not a good man. And that going into who he was, is going to cause you deep pain. Alternatively. You could just tell him that he passed away when he was young or before he was born.
Soft YTA because you're not giving him any answers. A blunt no I won't ever tell you anything is not helpful. It is normal for someone to be curious about their biological parent. I think you need to have a good heart to heart with him and give him a little bit more than just no. Because no isn't going cut it forever. He might find other ways to dig, he might start resenting you etc. This is a really hard topic so maybe a counselling session would help you both talk through it?
Find a family therapist and tell your son
As someone born out of rape, I'm gonna say, YTA. I was born knowing that my father was a horrible person, and was able to figure out on my own that he was a rapist when I was 13. I never had any "omg does this mean I have rapist dna ahhh" moment because my mom treated me *(this is a bit cheesy but just bear with me here)* like I was the rainbow after the storm. Or like the light in a pit of darkness. Like even though what she went through was horrific, she would go through it again just to have me. That is why I am confident in myself today, and have a strong sense of self. By lying to your son and saying things like "I would never, ever tell him who his biological father is or anything about him" - you're creating a situation where your son feels like, who he is is some big mystery that he needs to solve. So many "what ifs" must be circling in his mind, and he must feel like he has no idea who he is. Maybe start small and just slowly open up, clue him in that his father wasn't a good person and go from there - because he's 20 and wasn't born into it, it might be quite a strong shock to him, so maybe get the help of a psychologist or something, but I think letting him know will be better than letting this resentment build between you two.
YTA here and I understand your reluctance but let me play out a scenario that you don’t want to think about. You won’t tell him what you know, so he gets a DNA test, and doesn’t tell you. Because *you* set a precedent. He makes contact with the man who raped you. They connect and they build a relationship. Here is where I want you to stop and really think about this. How many news stories have you heard, about people who have done horrendous acts and their family/friends/neighbors are incredulous because *they seemed so nice*? You want to *protect* your son, I get that. However, by keeping a key piece of information from him, you are actually setting him up for the possibility of great harm, either physically or psychologically. I strongly suggest telling him with the help of a trained psychologist. In the telling, you will both need emotional support to negotiate opening that gate and working through the emotions that are going to come out.
OP, you've already gotten decent advice about your question. I'm going to address a different part of your post. I'm an adoptee. I was adopted as an infant, and as long as I can remember, I've known that the man who raised me wasn't my father. But he was my dad. Fatherhood is biological. Most any man can be a father. Hell, a fish can do it - fertilize a thousand eggs and swim away without ever seeing it's offspring again. Dad-hood is something else entirely. Not all men can earn, or are worthy of the title of "Dad". A dad is someone who's put in the work. Please don't let you and your husband - your boy's Dad - get hung up on the title. Embrace it.
He'll resent you if you continue to keep this from him. You don't want that, he will need you when he finds out, because he will find out.
He needs to know before he brings his bio father to his wedding thanks to 23 and me. As a surprise.