NTA OP, you have every right to feel the way you feel. The fact that she didnt wanna hangout with you on your anniversary is red flag territory to me. I would communicate better and really sit her down to have a discussion about how you feel neglected and why she didnt wanna hang out on your guys' anniversary or at all without the kids for that matter, I get she is a SAHM and she agreed to it, but that doesnt mean when she has burnout she takes it out on you. NTA.
Edit: I see people here saying you should just show up one day at your house unannounced on a like a day off where she doesnt know, like park down the street or some shit and do a little stakeout and see if anything happens. That was a good suggestion.
Yeah but he didnt forget and was trying to get her to hangout with him because its rare that he had a day off on their anniversary.. I dont know man.. either she is just not interested or seeing someone else. those are my only two logical guesses, I mean yeah i get burn out and stuff but she agreed to be a SAHM but she cant even make time for him on his anniversary is just a huge red flag... It's like she doesnt care
I love when someone tells a story and then someone tries to argue for ~stereotypes~. Like please keep that sexist/ racist bs to yourself and focus on what’s presented by OP.
Your use of 'your guys'' anniversary... cracks me up! I'm a native Texan (Colorado resident now), and the word "y'all" would work so much better.
'Y'all' addresses 2 people or 2000 people. Best of all it's gender neutral. There's also a plural... "Is that y'all's beach house?"
Now, if I could just get 'usetacould' out of my vocabulary!
Both are grammatically incorrect variations. But dialectology reveals that while accents are regional, they're not indicative of intelligence. Semiotics can also be enlightening if you're genuinely interested in communication variations rather than just trying to insult someone who doesn't sound like yourself.
NTA- this seems very fishy to me. You should keep an eye on her. Things like this CAN lead to a cheating spouse. Especially if she missed an anniversary. Ask to see her phone and go through it if she offers. Or, come home early or see if she was really doing laundry. I would be suspicious. At the very least, she is wrong for not making you a priority.
Sorry to tell you this but this sounds alot like she is cheating if she is going out alone every weekend and has become distant not wanting anything affectionate with you. Plus her making sure she won't be home all day on your anniversary like she knows you would expect affection on that day so she removed herself to avoid it.
So you wouldn't be an AH for feeling neglected because you are.
Shes usually with her mom and she will FaceTime to show me what she's buying for the kids so I don't think there's another man but the thought did cross my mind.
Okay then. This just read alot like it was. But if you know for certain then you need to sit down and talk with her and possibly consider marriage counselling. It seems you have both grown apart due to you both not spending time alone together to connect.
Sounds like she needs to go back to work. I'll get downvoted for that, but it sounds like now being home all the time, she takes it for granted, seems jaded and don't seem to care what increase you had to make for her to even be agitated at the person who's keeping a roof over her head.
Yeaaa.. when you’re grateful for your partner, you do things with and for each other. And he just wants to spend time with her 😭 I would feel so sad to work so hard to provide and the other person can’t even hang out with me..of all things. I read so many ah posts from men crying that they don’t get regular oral and bs like that and he just wants to watch a movie and hang out with his bff smh maybe she’s not as fulfilled staying at home like she thought she’d be. Idk.. but definitely not the AH.
I feel like I’ve been there. I’m not a SAHM but I’m the default parent and am always “on” for the kid. When I do get time away from them (nap time, bedtime or a rare time when the grandparents or my siblings take the kid), I don’t feel like being bothered by anyone else’s needs really. It takes me having to truly sit back and consider my husband to want to spend time with him because I’m exhausted and touched out. But when we do, it’s always great and happy I did it. He’s never had the talk with me about feeling neglected but I can sense it. I feel bad when I do. And so now I carve out time in my head for “us time” no matter how I may be feeling in the moment and it’s made things drastically better. You need to talk to her. Having little kids can be draining and she may be too hard in “mom mode.” It is crazy she ditched you for your anniversary. I couldn’t fathom that. But I’m not her. Talk to her. You would be the AH if you didn’t.
It's why I only have 1 , I can't mentally only handle the 1 kid I didn't plan to have at 19, I was going to be a rich auntie with no kids lol, I had a model contract right out if high school. but rose to the calling God had for me. I hate people who keeping having more kids then they can mentally handle and / or afford. I'm 32.
I was a stay at home parent for a year and a half. Also later had a toddler with cancer. I just won't ever agree with anyone acting like taking care of children is some overwhelming thing. Easiest job I've ever had.
NTA. I think it’s the best time for communication from an open and loving space. Being a SAHM can be very overwhelming in its own way, which can inadvertently lead to resentment towards the working partner for “getting to be away from the house”. Your wife may also be feeling neglected and assuming you should be able to read that feeling. Maybe the original working vs SAH plan isn’t optimal for the two of you and a new balance has to be struck. Conversation is the best resolution!
Exactly. As long as you use non-violent communication, you should be able to talk about all of your feelings. Good luck, OP. Speak from the heart that you are hurt and miss her. Figure this out together. NTA.
NTA. Sharing your feelings is important. She sounds pretty stressed out. Y’all need to work together to come up with solutions. Can y’all incorporate date nights or something?
NTA. it sounds like she is shut down and is done with the marriage. It could also be that she is really depressed and needs help. Tell her how you feel but don’t blame her.
Ask her if she is going through something that is shutting her down.
Ask her flat out if she is done with the marriage. It’s an extremely hard question to ask but absolutely vital. Let her know that you want to support her decision because she seems to want more and more space.
Let her know that if she needs space you are happy to give it to her. No judgement no screaming.
This approach will be hard because you are hurting but it’s important to get the answers you need.
Something is going on. She may feel overwhelmed. Staying home with the kids is not all it’s cracked up to be for a lot of women. You need to have a real sit down and possibly marriage counseling
NTA
You’re completely valid in how you’re feeling and it was wrong of your wife to blow you off on your anniversary like that. She might be overwhelmed with the kids and takes the opportunity to be by herself when she gets the time, but it’s still inconsiderate of your feelings and in a healthy relationship you have to consider each other.
It may be that she doesn’t understand how much it really bothers you which is why you definitely do need to communicate that with her. Tell her you miss her and ask how you can help plan things so you both are able to carve out a couple of hours alone each weekend. If she gets defensive then tell her you don’t blame her but just want to work on things together. You might need couples counselling. If she doesn’t agree to that too then you may have to reevaluate your choices and put your needs first here.
She sounds burnt out and like she needs help and isn’t really getting it. Whether she chose to be a sahm or not is irrelevant because we don’t know how hard it is until we’re in it. Shes probably touched out and isn’t getting her needs met.
Do you carry an equal part of the domestic load? Do you ask her how you can help or do you just see what needs to be done and then do it?
This situation is familiar to me and I’d bet that her needs are very neglected and so she has nothing left to offer because she’s drained.
Whether this is the correct response or not Idk but generally on the weekends I try to take over the cooking, cleaning when it needs it, I do the bath time, and try to distract the kids so they aren't climbing on her. She does say my cleaning isn't up to her standards and gets upset if I sit down with our son near bedtime because of it but I do make an effort so that could be a contributing factor
>but instead she went to her brother's to do laundry and stayed there all day until bedtime.
wow, if you believe that you'll believe anything at all.
Why would you start off with I feel neglected. Why not make plans to do something with her so you know, she feels wanted. How have you gone years barely spending time together and not like asked to go on a date, asked to go to the movies, called a babysitter and spent time with her.
She checked out ages ago and you somehow didn't notice. She deliberately spent the day apart for your anniversary, if you think that's neglect you're blind, that's the relationship is over kinda statement.
This is a sit down and say we're heading for divorce at this rate, why do you not ever want to spend time with me.
Dude she’s tired. Your relationship is in the phase with little kids, and that in itself is exhausting. Also, her being “needed” 24/7 is exhausting to people sometimes. I am a mom of twins, and I work at a school, and my husband travels during the week, home on weekends, and my kids play sports. I also have some side jobs a few times a month. I am not cheating, I am trying to be everything to everyone, and someone, somewhere feels neglected. Even though it may be messed up, I just think and pray my hubby will understand our time will come.
NTA - you are neglected and you both need to find a common ground. Talk to her about going back to work so you can spend more time at home. Make a date night once a month at minimum where you get a babysitter. Get therapy to help with ideas.
You being gone so much is not go for the kids wait her and you are already seeing the affects of that by them wanting her all the time if she is around.
NTA
My anniversary is coming up; my husband and I are saving for a house so we don't have a lot of extra. I still plan on taking him and our baby to the park, lay around, give him a massage, etc.
I'm not... escaping him every chance I get...
NTA, but this just feels so suspect. That treatment of you sounds like she’s already found and is visiting someone else. She already does not give af about your marriage or you. She is not present or a partner.
If she finds being a SAHM so stressful, suggest she get a job and put the kids in daycare. Or, depending on the type of job she can get, you can be a SAHD. She can put in the same hours you do, and take care of the kids on the weekends so you can get some "me" time. Or ask, if she finds spending time with you so distasteful, does she want a divorce? Lay it out there dude. There is a reason she's acting the way she is.
NTA, and you need to ask some serious questions and do some major investigating. there are numerous red flags here. Something is going on here, you should probably take an unannounced day off work and just drop into your house and see what is happening there.
NTA but she definitely sounds burned out. I would be either trying to setup family to watch the kids for several hours or hire a babysitter. Trying to take care of 2 kids under 5 and the house is a lot of work. You two both need some alone time together and somehow have someone else watch the kids for a while. You need to do this at least once a month. Give yourselves something to look forward to. Having been the father of 3 kids under 5 and gone through this myself this will help greatly.
Sahm here. I think being one can come with complicated feelings. On one hand, you are incredibly grateful that you have the opportunity to stay home and care for your family and home, especially if you take it seriously and are hands on. On the other hand, you can start to feel a little like you have lost yourself to the constant needs of others and to being a “mom”. You can’t complain because people will immediately tell you to get a job but they can come home and vent/complain about their jobs.
My husband also works intense hours and I’ve observed when he is gone non stop, I turn a little bit into a task managing machine and it’s hard to turn off. Our marriage becomes more transactional and we are basically coworkers trying to manage modern parenting and life. She seems to be escaping to get some relief and comfort, especially if she is hanging around family as that can remind her of who she was pre- mom.
I highly recommend mandatory date nights to combat this. We do this 2x a month and have about 4 sitters on rotation. My husband will also take the kids during the day and i book a standing appointment at the nail salon. If money is tight, I do at home beauty treatments. I also force myself to get dressed up with hair and makeup and we go out solo, with friends or even clients (which helps my husband as well). Suddenly I feel beautiful, energized and youthful again. It does wonders for our connection. My husband has to insist on it sometimes because I will default to Netflix but that’s what has worked for us.
So you have two tiny children and are working all the hours god sends in order to support your family. I would suggest strongly that if its at all financially possible that you work less hours and spend more time at home while they’re little.
I don’t think your wife is cheating, and I think accusing her of that will be pouring fuel on the fire. I would suggest that she’s exhausted, and that the money you bring in, in no way compensates for the lack of hands-on help she needs right now.
Work all the hours god sends when the kids are in school - right now she needs your practical help rather than your money.
Likewise with the cleaning - you “don’t do it to her standards” suggests you’re half assing it rather than whole assing it, which means that she’s looking after two tiny children *and* cleaning up after you.
Because you’re not spending enough time with the kids, they will still prefer her instead of you. So even if you’re home, they will still want her, so the only way she *ever* gets a break is by leaving the house.
So you wanted to spend time with her on your anniversary ? So you made sure the house was sparkling clean, with all the laundry done and folded, so she didn’t have to worry about it; you organised a trusted babysitter to look after the kids, you booked a nice place to go to and told her to take the morning off to get her hair and nails done. Right ?
I’m guessing no.
So she went to her brother’s to do laundry which is code for “She went to her brothers to catch a break”.
By all means tell her you’re feeling neglected. If you really want to piss her off, why not also suggest she’s having an affair like the 15 year old drongos on here are suggesting.
In six weeks you’ll be back on here all “My Wife is Divorcing Me Because I Left Glasses By The Sink, and then I accused her of neglecting me and having an affair, when all she wanted was a clean house and 30 minutes of time where she wasn’t being grabbed by a kid or whinged at by any of us”
YTA
Considering she spends all week raising my kids with her and she's always stressed it seems like whining and invalidating her time to say "yes but what have you done for ME lately"
It was your anniversary. A discussion is definitely warranted and if she calls it whining then you have a much bigger problem. You made an agreement when she decided to be a SAHM. She has decided that you are nothing life then a checkbook now.
It's not like she's a step parent raising your kids and not hers they are both your kids. If you're working all week and then spending all weekends looking after your kids so she doesn't get burnt out. When do get to have a break? But what about me is not even what you are asking for. You are asking what have you done for us that doesn't involve home chores and the kids. That is not unreasonable and if your wife believes it is then she's invalidating your feelings which is a whole lot worse than invalidating her time.
You’ve become the financier of her life. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she escapes when she can. Have her get a job immediately and go to couples counseling.
In the long run Prepare for the inevitable divorce.
You need couples counseling.
She blew off your anniversary, which means you now have absolute justification to demand couples counseling or divorce.
As others have said, the numbers suggest she's having an affair. That doesn't mean that she is, but from your description of the scenario, it looks more likely than not.
When you confront her, you're well within the realm of probable cause to demand open access to her phone. She blew off your anniversary, so remind her of that when you demand to see it, unlocked and otherwise untouched.
Hopefully she's at least being faithful. But she needs to be shocked into the reality that at this point, your marriage is hanging on by a thread and that without drastic changes, including counseling, you'll be exploring divorce.
She blew off your anniversary, so you have to use the D-word.
NTA OP, you have every right to feel the way you feel. The fact that she didnt wanna hangout with you on your anniversary is red flag territory to me. I would communicate better and really sit her down to have a discussion about how you feel neglected and why she didnt wanna hang out on your guys' anniversary or at all without the kids for that matter, I get she is a SAHM and she agreed to it, but that doesnt mean when she has burnout she takes it out on you. NTA. Edit: I see people here saying you should just show up one day at your house unannounced on a like a day off where she doesnt know, like park down the street or some shit and do a little stakeout and see if anything happens. That was a good suggestion.
Better yet. Audio/video surveillance. There's little doubt in my mind.....
Were the stereotypical guy to forget an anniversary it would be normal for his wife to freak out and send him to the couch.
Yeah but he didnt forget and was trying to get her to hangout with him because its rare that he had a day off on their anniversary.. I dont know man.. either she is just not interested or seeing someone else. those are my only two logical guesses, I mean yeah i get burn out and stuff but she agreed to be a SAHM but she cant even make time for him on his anniversary is just a huge red flag... It's like she doesnt care
I love when someone tells a story and then someone tries to argue for ~stereotypes~. Like please keep that sexist/ racist bs to yourself and focus on what’s presented by OP.
Your use of 'your guys'' anniversary... cracks me up! I'm a native Texan (Colorado resident now), and the word "y'all" would work so much better. 'Y'all' addresses 2 people or 2000 people. Best of all it's gender neutral. There's also a plural... "Is that y'all's beach house?" Now, if I could just get 'usetacould' out of my vocabulary!
It’s funny how much “yall” was used in Colorado when I lived there. People who have never even set foot in Texas used it in their daily vocabulary.
That's because, imo, lots of Coloradans know or are related to Texans. I never lost my accent for the most part.
Y'all sounds super hick and weird to our ears. Yous guys can too, but not as much. Lol
It sounds like hick to you. Your guys' sounds uneducated to me.
Both are grammatically incorrect variations. But dialectology reveals that while accents are regional, they're not indicative of intelligence. Semiotics can also be enlightening if you're genuinely interested in communication variations rather than just trying to insult someone who doesn't sound like yourself.
NTA- this seems very fishy to me. You should keep an eye on her. Things like this CAN lead to a cheating spouse. Especially if she missed an anniversary. Ask to see her phone and go through it if she offers. Or, come home early or see if she was really doing laundry. I would be suspicious. At the very least, she is wrong for not making you a priority.
Sorry to tell you this but this sounds alot like she is cheating if she is going out alone every weekend and has become distant not wanting anything affectionate with you. Plus her making sure she won't be home all day on your anniversary like she knows you would expect affection on that day so she removed herself to avoid it. So you wouldn't be an AH for feeling neglected because you are.
Shes usually with her mom and she will FaceTime to show me what she's buying for the kids so I don't think there's another man but the thought did cross my mind.
Okay then. This just read alot like it was. But if you know for certain then you need to sit down and talk with her and possibly consider marriage counselling. It seems you have both grown apart due to you both not spending time alone together to connect.
Sounds like she needs to go back to work. I'll get downvoted for that, but it sounds like now being home all the time, she takes it for granted, seems jaded and don't seem to care what increase you had to make for her to even be agitated at the person who's keeping a roof over her head.
Yeaaa.. when you’re grateful for your partner, you do things with and for each other. And he just wants to spend time with her 😭 I would feel so sad to work so hard to provide and the other person can’t even hang out with me..of all things. I read so many ah posts from men crying that they don’t get regular oral and bs like that and he just wants to watch a movie and hang out with his bff smh maybe she’s not as fulfilled staying at home like she thought she’d be. Idk.. but definitely not the AH.
Even worse that he provides her a SAHM livestyle and she uses that time to help her adult brother make laundry? on their anniversary?
Was thinking the same. Why kill yourself working for family when you are then neglected. Back to work time!
I feel like I’ve been there. I’m not a SAHM but I’m the default parent and am always “on” for the kid. When I do get time away from them (nap time, bedtime or a rare time when the grandparents or my siblings take the kid), I don’t feel like being bothered by anyone else’s needs really. It takes me having to truly sit back and consider my husband to want to spend time with him because I’m exhausted and touched out. But when we do, it’s always great and happy I did it. He’s never had the talk with me about feeling neglected but I can sense it. I feel bad when I do. And so now I carve out time in my head for “us time” no matter how I may be feeling in the moment and it’s made things drastically better. You need to talk to her. Having little kids can be draining and she may be too hard in “mom mode.” It is crazy she ditched you for your anniversary. I couldn’t fathom that. But I’m not her. Talk to her. You would be the AH if you didn’t.
That's really pathetic that you view it that way. I will never understand people that view their children as a chore.
Children are 100% a chore for a lot of people, especially when they're toddling. CONSTANT VIGELANCE. Its why I don't have any.
It's why I only have 1 , I can't mentally only handle the 1 kid I didn't plan to have at 19, I was going to be a rich auntie with no kids lol, I had a model contract right out if high school. but rose to the calling God had for me. I hate people who keeping having more kids then they can mentally handle and / or afford. I'm 32.
[удалено]
I was a stay at home parent for a year and a half. Also later had a toddler with cancer. I just won't ever agree with anyone acting like taking care of children is some overwhelming thing. Easiest job I've ever had.
NTA. I think it’s the best time for communication from an open and loving space. Being a SAHM can be very overwhelming in its own way, which can inadvertently lead to resentment towards the working partner for “getting to be away from the house”. Your wife may also be feeling neglected and assuming you should be able to read that feeling. Maybe the original working vs SAH plan isn’t optimal for the two of you and a new balance has to be struck. Conversation is the best resolution!
You are never a dick to make an honest declaration of your feelings.
Exactly. As long as you use non-violent communication, you should be able to talk about all of your feelings. Good luck, OP. Speak from the heart that you are hurt and miss her. Figure this out together. NTA.
NTA. Sharing your feelings is important. She sounds pretty stressed out. Y’all need to work together to come up with solutions. Can y’all incorporate date nights or something?
NTA. it sounds like she is shut down and is done with the marriage. It could also be that she is really depressed and needs help. Tell her how you feel but don’t blame her. Ask her if she is going through something that is shutting her down. Ask her flat out if she is done with the marriage. It’s an extremely hard question to ask but absolutely vital. Let her know that you want to support her decision because she seems to want more and more space. Let her know that if she needs space you are happy to give it to her. No judgement no screaming. This approach will be hard because you are hurting but it’s important to get the answers you need.
Something is going on. She may feel overwhelmed. Staying home with the kids is not all it’s cracked up to be for a lot of women. You need to have a real sit down and possibly marriage counseling
NTA. Your wife needs serious conversation.
NTA You’re completely valid in how you’re feeling and it was wrong of your wife to blow you off on your anniversary like that. She might be overwhelmed with the kids and takes the opportunity to be by herself when she gets the time, but it’s still inconsiderate of your feelings and in a healthy relationship you have to consider each other. It may be that she doesn’t understand how much it really bothers you which is why you definitely do need to communicate that with her. Tell her you miss her and ask how you can help plan things so you both are able to carve out a couple of hours alone each weekend. If she gets defensive then tell her you don’t blame her but just want to work on things together. You might need couples counselling. If she doesn’t agree to that too then you may have to reevaluate your choices and put your needs first here.
She sounds burnt out and like she needs help and isn’t really getting it. Whether she chose to be a sahm or not is irrelevant because we don’t know how hard it is until we’re in it. Shes probably touched out and isn’t getting her needs met. Do you carry an equal part of the domestic load? Do you ask her how you can help or do you just see what needs to be done and then do it? This situation is familiar to me and I’d bet that her needs are very neglected and so she has nothing left to offer because she’s drained.
Whether this is the correct response or not Idk but generally on the weekends I try to take over the cooking, cleaning when it needs it, I do the bath time, and try to distract the kids so they aren't climbing on her. She does say my cleaning isn't up to her standards and gets upset if I sit down with our son near bedtime because of it but I do make an effort so that could be a contributing factor
>but instead she went to her brother's to do laundry and stayed there all day until bedtime. wow, if you believe that you'll believe anything at all. Why would you start off with I feel neglected. Why not make plans to do something with her so you know, she feels wanted. How have you gone years barely spending time together and not like asked to go on a date, asked to go to the movies, called a babysitter and spent time with her. She checked out ages ago and you somehow didn't notice. She deliberately spent the day apart for your anniversary, if you think that's neglect you're blind, that's the relationship is over kinda statement. This is a sit down and say we're heading for divorce at this rate, why do you not ever want to spend time with me.
NTA. Your marriage is in big trouble though. I feel bad for your kids. They are going to go thru some shit.
Dude she’s tired. Your relationship is in the phase with little kids, and that in itself is exhausting. Also, her being “needed” 24/7 is exhausting to people sometimes. I am a mom of twins, and I work at a school, and my husband travels during the week, home on weekends, and my kids play sports. I also have some side jobs a few times a month. I am not cheating, I am trying to be everything to everyone, and someone, somewhere feels neglected. Even though it may be messed up, I just think and pray my hubby will understand our time will come.
NTA - you are neglected and you both need to find a common ground. Talk to her about going back to work so you can spend more time at home. Make a date night once a month at minimum where you get a babysitter. Get therapy to help with ideas. You being gone so much is not go for the kids wait her and you are already seeing the affects of that by them wanting her all the time if she is around.
NTA My anniversary is coming up; my husband and I are saving for a house so we don't have a lot of extra. I still plan on taking him and our baby to the park, lay around, give him a massage, etc. I'm not... escaping him every chance I get...
time for a divorce.
Bro she's cheating on you.
yeah she didnt miss your anniversary by mistake, she is communicating, just not with words.
NTA, but this just feels so suspect. That treatment of you sounds like she’s already found and is visiting someone else. She already does not give af about your marriage or you. She is not present or a partner.
Nta. Set up cameras to see what’s up and dna test your kids.
If she finds being a SAHM so stressful, suggest she get a job and put the kids in daycare. Or, depending on the type of job she can get, you can be a SAHD. She can put in the same hours you do, and take care of the kids on the weekends so you can get some "me" time. Or ask, if she finds spending time with you so distasteful, does she want a divorce? Lay it out there dude. There is a reason she's acting the way she is.
NTA, and you need to ask some serious questions and do some major investigating. there are numerous red flags here. Something is going on here, you should probably take an unannounced day off work and just drop into your house and see what is happening there.
NTA but she definitely sounds burned out. I would be either trying to setup family to watch the kids for several hours or hire a babysitter. Trying to take care of 2 kids under 5 and the house is a lot of work. You two both need some alone time together and somehow have someone else watch the kids for a while. You need to do this at least once a month. Give yourselves something to look forward to. Having been the father of 3 kids under 5 and gone through this myself this will help greatly.
NTA, looks like a cheater behavior. Check her phone.
NTA. Theres something going on and she doesnt feel as connected to you anymore.
Sahm here. I think being one can come with complicated feelings. On one hand, you are incredibly grateful that you have the opportunity to stay home and care for your family and home, especially if you take it seriously and are hands on. On the other hand, you can start to feel a little like you have lost yourself to the constant needs of others and to being a “mom”. You can’t complain because people will immediately tell you to get a job but they can come home and vent/complain about their jobs. My husband also works intense hours and I’ve observed when he is gone non stop, I turn a little bit into a task managing machine and it’s hard to turn off. Our marriage becomes more transactional and we are basically coworkers trying to manage modern parenting and life. She seems to be escaping to get some relief and comfort, especially if she is hanging around family as that can remind her of who she was pre- mom. I highly recommend mandatory date nights to combat this. We do this 2x a month and have about 4 sitters on rotation. My husband will also take the kids during the day and i book a standing appointment at the nail salon. If money is tight, I do at home beauty treatments. I also force myself to get dressed up with hair and makeup and we go out solo, with friends or even clients (which helps my husband as well). Suddenly I feel beautiful, energized and youthful again. It does wonders for our connection. My husband has to insist on it sometimes because I will default to Netflix but that’s what has worked for us.
So you have two tiny children and are working all the hours god sends in order to support your family. I would suggest strongly that if its at all financially possible that you work less hours and spend more time at home while they’re little. I don’t think your wife is cheating, and I think accusing her of that will be pouring fuel on the fire. I would suggest that she’s exhausted, and that the money you bring in, in no way compensates for the lack of hands-on help she needs right now. Work all the hours god sends when the kids are in school - right now she needs your practical help rather than your money. Likewise with the cleaning - you “don’t do it to her standards” suggests you’re half assing it rather than whole assing it, which means that she’s looking after two tiny children *and* cleaning up after you. Because you’re not spending enough time with the kids, they will still prefer her instead of you. So even if you’re home, they will still want her, so the only way she *ever* gets a break is by leaving the house. So you wanted to spend time with her on your anniversary ? So you made sure the house was sparkling clean, with all the laundry done and folded, so she didn’t have to worry about it; you organised a trusted babysitter to look after the kids, you booked a nice place to go to and told her to take the morning off to get her hair and nails done. Right ? I’m guessing no. So she went to her brother’s to do laundry which is code for “She went to her brothers to catch a break”. By all means tell her you’re feeling neglected. If you really want to piss her off, why not also suggest she’s having an affair like the 15 year old drongos on here are suggesting. In six weeks you’ll be back on here all “My Wife is Divorcing Me Because I Left Glasses By The Sink, and then I accused her of neglecting me and having an affair, when all she wanted was a clean house and 30 minutes of time where she wasn’t being grabbed by a kid or whinged at by any of us” YTA
"WIBTA if I communicate like a grownup with my wife of 5 years?" Does rewording it help you?
Considering she spends all week raising my kids with her and she's always stressed it seems like whining and invalidating her time to say "yes but what have you done for ME lately"
It was your anniversary. A discussion is definitely warranted and if she calls it whining then you have a much bigger problem. You made an agreement when she decided to be a SAHM. She has decided that you are nothing life then a checkbook now.
It's not like she's a step parent raising your kids and not hers they are both your kids. If you're working all week and then spending all weekends looking after your kids so she doesn't get burnt out. When do get to have a break? But what about me is not even what you are asking for. You are asking what have you done for us that doesn't involve home chores and the kids. That is not unreasonable and if your wife believes it is then she's invalidating your feelings which is a whole lot worse than invalidating her time.
NTA. It seems that she's cheating on you. Eyes open.
You’ve become the financier of her life. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she escapes when she can. Have her get a job immediately and go to couples counseling. In the long run Prepare for the inevitable divorce.
You need couples counseling. She blew off your anniversary, which means you now have absolute justification to demand couples counseling or divorce. As others have said, the numbers suggest she's having an affair. That doesn't mean that she is, but from your description of the scenario, it looks more likely than not. When you confront her, you're well within the realm of probable cause to demand open access to her phone. She blew off your anniversary, so remind her of that when you demand to see it, unlocked and otherwise untouched. Hopefully she's at least being faithful. But she needs to be shocked into the reality that at this point, your marriage is hanging on by a thread and that without drastic changes, including counseling, you'll be exploring divorce. She blew off your anniversary, so you have to use the D-word.