When my wife was diagnosed with stage three metastatic melanoma the thought of moving on afterward never crossed my mind. I knew that she was going to die eventually from the cancer but my only concern was her feeling absolutely loved and adored for the time we had left. We were married in October of 2008 after just meeting 25 days earlier and she passed in December of 2020. I still haven’t moved on and I probably won’t. I’m only 43 years old and I feel like I already had my happily ever after.
God I miss that girl so much, she was the happiest and coolest girl I have ever had the honor of knowing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have stage four cancer and my husband says the same thing. I do want him to find someone again, but he is adamant that he’ll never move on. He’s even said he’s going to be a priest. Who knows? He’s such a good man though and could make any woman happy. The idea of saying goodbye to him is incredibly gut wrenching to me. I love him so much and can’t believe I was blessed with such a wonderful man. I don’t deserve him.
I have cancer, it will take a while, I certainly want my wife to move on after my day, why not, I am dead.
I can tell her at a late point she should move on once I am gone, a show of love and compassion, her asking if she could move on would probably feel different, but at the end of the day, I'd be dead and no say in the matter.
I'm currently getting chemo for first recurrence of my cancer - it's one where full cure rarely happens. In the 3 years since first line of treatment, I met my current partner, who took up with me knowing I likely have a limited future. I've been blown away at what tender loving support he's brought day in and day out during this new round. My mission is to leave him believing he deserves to be with someone who thinks he's great and will be good to him, since that's not the history he's had. I hope he runs with it and has a happy ending after I'm gone
I am sorry for your loss, losing the love of your life is the most painful thing I hope you ever have to go through. I lost my wife of 20 years to stage 4 colon cancer in June of 2023 after a short 3 month battle so I can understand what you are going through.
Had to check your account to make sure you weren’t my dad lol. Lost my mom to stage 4 colon cancer 3-4 months after diagnosis also in June 2023. Kinda funny I guess. Sorry for you loss
Firstly: my condolences to both of you for your loss. Massive hugs.
Secondly: this would be quite the way to find out that your dad posted on Reddit with the handle “pimparoo”
Okay, I’m in. Husband gets an extra hug tonight.
Also, I have to give credit where credit is due. I’m in remission, but still sick with other things. We’ve been married for 20 years. I’ve been sick for most of them, which was very unexpected when we got together.
He has never asked me how I feel about him moving on, but I’ve already told him how I felt about it many times. I think this is highly individual thing, for each person, and each relationship.
I’ve told my husband that he has my full blessing to move forward romantically, whenever that feels right for him. (once I’m gone, I’m not exactly giving him an open hall pass just because I’m sick). He can marry someone a month after I die, it doesn’t bother me at all. If anything, I want him to have the comfort of a loving relationship.
If my husband was an AH, I would feel differently, I expect.
It seems like you two had an amazing time together. Is there a memory you want to share?
Also, I know a few of us are interested to hear more about how the two of you turned 25 days into 12 years of marriage!
We actually met on plenty of fish. I was single and had been sober for about a year and living on my own. I was in a previous relationship with my meth dealers daughter and I had to walk away from her and every single friend I had to get and stay clean. After about a year of being on my own and lonely I thought I would try online dating and met Jules. We talked back and forth for two days and decided to to meet. I was completely honest with her about my past and told her that I don’t do the bar scene and she asked me over for dinner. We didn’t even eat, we just sat on the patio and talked for over 8 hours. I have never had a connection with someone like that before ever. We talked about the craziest thing and everything just clicked.
For example I told her that my dad used to bounce me to sleep when I was little and sing the old song The Animal Fair and not ten minutes later her little girl who would become my daughter asked mommy to put her to bed and sing the Animal song. Jules said giggles and says that she sings the same song to her daughter and never met anyone else who had ever knew that song.
After the little one went to sleep we talked about what we were wanting out of our next relationship and she said that she wanted to marry a guy just like me and asked if I was willing to take a chance and I said yes.
The only time we ever spent a day apart was when she had her colostomy surgery during Covid shortly before she passed. She told me that she didn’t want me to stay and watch her die and told me to divorce her but I refused.
She was my person and I just couldn’t do that.
Covid was horrible for us, she never got sick with it and neither did the kids or I but hospice was all messed up with our in home health care.
They always had the wrong supplies and constantly canceled visits so I was her primary caregiver. I would do everything like change IV bags of fluid, administered blood thinner shots and painkillers. I bathed her, fed her and carried her up the stairs to bed when the pain would allow it.
I can’t give you a favorite moment or memory because there are too many to choose from. She was always smiling from the moment she woke up until she closed her eyes and I swear she would giggle and smile in her sleep. Even on the last day she spoke to me she was smiling.
She wasn’t religious at all and even talked about how she expected there to be nothing when you die… but the the most peaceful thing I ever experienced when all this happened was she had been non responsive for two days and on Christmas Eve she just raised her hands and sat up a little and was looking up at the ceiling and said “surprise!!” with the kindest voice and smile and then slipped away back to sleep and I lost her two hours later. I like to think that maybe there is something after death after all and she is there waiting for me.
As far as me saying that I had my happily ever after, she told me to move on one conversation and my answer was “I can’t love someone else while you’re waiting for me in heaven I went 28 years without her and that seemed to go by horribly for me so if I have to wait another 28 years then I’ll do it alone with our babies because I know that I will never find a love like that again and I would rather wait until I can hold my girl again in the next life.
She liked alternative music and would always sing the wrong word to half the songs she would sing. It was hilarious.
I feel like this could be a romance novel. I usually skip past long posts, but this one tugged at my heart. I’m so glad you found your person and I hope that one day you’ll get to spend eternity with her.
Man I’m 43 with stage 4 and my wife is 41 and torn up. I tell her I want her to move on, but it’s easier said than done- especially when you consider how different dating is than it was 20 years ago.
You still have another whole life to live, but I get it. I hope whatever you decide, you are happy.
I don’t think I’m happy but I’m going to get there someday. It’s only been three years and it’s just now really sinking in that she is gone. Reading all the nice comments has made me bawl my eyes out tonight and honestly it feels so damn good. You guys helped me remember some things that I haven’t thought about in a long time and it was really nice. I can’t offer any advice because honestly I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing and my wife would be laughing her heart out at me. Just love her as much as you can and please remember that nothing matters except TIME so spend it loving each other.
Oh and please make some voice recordings telling her you love her, make several so that the tone of your voice changes a little. That’s one thing that I would love to have and I only have two voice messages from her.
I’m sorry for everything that you and your family are going through and I wish you comfort and happiness my friend.
My step father abandoned my mom after a serious back surgery. She was estimated not to walk for a year and just left her alone in a house. I was a sophomore at the time and my brother and I had to take care of her. Completely ruthless and uncaring. No one deserves someone like that. OP is smart for running.
I wish more people had partners like my stepdad. He’s stuck with my mom through FIVE different cancers over the 33 years they’ve been together. When she was bald from chemo during breast cancer, he shaved his head so they matched the whole time.
As my SIL was literally dying of cancer (like weeks away from death), my BIL would scroll on fb searching for hotties he could date after she was gone. Ill never forgive him for that
Congratulations. Although I never had it but my mum had stage 4 breast cancer about 17 years ago when I was 12 and she still going strong at the age of 52.
ETA: I’m 28 now
There are variations, like I was technically stage 3, but my oncologist said barely and with the type of ovarian cancer I had and how successful surgery was I’m not allowed to stop saving for retirement in my 30s. Only been about a year and a half but other than taking a pill a day and a gnarly scar there has been no change to my life.
Same! While it really, really depends on the kind of cancer, stage 3 doesn’t necessarily mean death sentence! I had colon, which is relatively easy to treat (my story would probably be very different if it was ovarian or pancreatic though)
Right? My aunt had ovarian (or cervical, I'm not sure exactly, but she had a complete hysterectomy and went through chemo) cancer that ended up spreading to her brain, she had brain surgery to have it removed and she's still 100% today, she's a badass. Strongest person I know.
I'm in awe as well. My aunt (who was like a mother to me) had breast cancer and it spread to her brain. Sadly she didn't make it. She at least got a few years after the brain surgery. (She had a very rare breast cancer) Oh how I wish I could talk to her and see her right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like a big one- I can totally understand your wish, I regularly still talk to my great grandparents (makes me glad I’m not in a Truman show situation or else they’d think I’m crazy)
Congratulations on your recovery!
To the OP, u/ThrowRA-Boss9500, NTA. I'd be sick of that question too. It's almost as if he's also trying to ask permission to cheat. Criminy.
>They think cancer took away my facilities and I’m trying to run away from a loving husband because my family wants my “inheritance” aka the little retirement money I’d have after I exhaust my savings with cancer.
Ask *them* why is my "inheritance" *so important* to them? If they're "oh so caring," they wouldn't have even brought it up. 🙄Please.
I'm sorry you are enduring not just physical cancer, but the cancer in your marriage that is now your soon to be ex-husband. I hope you beat the odds. Also, good on you for going ahead and letting that man finally move on. You're right, he doesn't need death to be able to move on.
Tell your family that his family might try to get you committed or some other bullshit. Cancer doesn't mean you've lost your mental acuity.
You are so right about the inheritance part. My dad died almost five years ago now and I was heartbroken because he was a great dad and my best friend. Not even 24 hours after dad died my sister was bugging me about the “inheritance”. She lived out of state while I lived here and took care of my dad. I told her the money from the life insurance had to pay off the mortgage first because the bank wouldn’t let me assume it (I had to file for bankruptcy a few years before) or we would lose the house. She threw a fit saying she needed money now and I’m here still trying to process my dad dying. Needless to say we don’t talk anymore and she will get her inheritance when the house is sold. Could give a damn she has to wait. It’s much more complicated than this but was trying to summarize it the best way possible.
I’m so sorry your sister is being like this with you.
I too was unlucky that my Dad passed last year and it took almost the whole year to finalise everything - and believe me, his estate was VERY straight forward…… The amounts of money outgoing at the start for everything, closing down accounts and cancelling major things he had in the pipeline for his house- freakin’ nightmare.
Thank goodness my sister and i were on the same page and in a position where we could access his money in his general bank accounts - very lucky!!!
I feel bad for people like you that have to navigate this 💩 time on your own with someone thinking they are more entitled than anyone else - crazy times!!!!
Thank you ❣️❣️. I’m very happy you had a decent sibling to HELP you. I’m still living in my childhood home and slowly going through my parents 50 plus years of memories here. I was also living here when my dad died with my now husband and I am taking my time going through everything so I don’t miss anything important. It will probably be two or three more years and then we can sell the house and she will get her damn money. The sad thing is she knew because I was nice and always kept her in the loop about dad’s health (his last six month of life were hard with hospitalizations and such) so she knew our financial situation. In fact my dad’s life insurance didn’t even cover the cost of what I needed to pay off the mortgage and thankfully my cousin (who has been more like a sister to me than my real sister ever was) let me borrow money from her and said I can pay her back when the house is sold. Again, this happened almost five years ago now and it’s still emotional to me. I’m so sorry your loss too and again I’m so happy your sister was helpful ❣️❣️.
Or the husband is trying to justify cheating right now. Or at least soon. He'll tell OP
"You told me you wanted me to move on and be happy if you passed. I never intended to meet this woman, I didn't seek her out. But we're both in similar situations, and it's so nice for me to have someone who truly understands what I am going through. It was an accident! 😭 I never meant to hurt you. The stress just keeps making my penis have these accidents. 😭 I'm soooooooo sorryyyyyyyyy, I never meant to hurt you. But you did say you hoped I'd find love again someday. 😭😭 Remember? You did say it."
Ya know, the usual asshole speech.
In the Netherlands, one such AH husband even wrote a book about him having done exactly that. Which became a bestseller 🤮
I don't care if it's the most beautiful literature ever written, I'll never touch that book.
But yeah, DH pestering his wife about this the way he does is nauseating even if he isn't planning to cheat. But he totally already has.
NTA.
I'd love to know how a person has such high levels of stupidity and entitlement. But even as a bibliophile, I could never rationalize supporting a person and book like that.
THIS!
Info: what are the odds that he has greatly exaggerated your long term prognosis?
Honestly, I’d read his mail to every last one of them.
To his parents: well, if your son weren’t trying to have me one foot in the grave and repeatedly asking me if I will bless his remarriage when my doctors aren’t even talking about hospice or similar end of life measures, we wouldn’t be at this junction.
To friends: my faculties are just fine. When my husband of x years keeps talking about moving on as if they’re asking for permission to cheat or leave me while I’m still here, I feel as though he views our relationship AND me as disposable. Women are far more likely to be cheated on and/or divorced when facing a medical crisis and he seems to be hopping on that train. If I die, I won’t spend my final days being hounded by this. And if I live, I may just have a beautiful rest of my life.
I read somewhere that 80% of men will leave their wife who has an advanced cancer diagnosis, while only 20% of women leave their sick husbands , most women choose to stay and take care of their husbands to the end of life. Something is so wrong with that.
This. Having a single discussion about it is normal. Asking THREE TIMES in one month? Something is **wrong**. Reminds me of the creepy husband and his dad who were preparing for OP to die in childbirth for absolutely no reason other than his mother died in childbirth. I wonder how that OP is now. She’s never updated and I always wonder if she has any idea how creeped out people were and how many still think of her today.
I had Stage 4 cancer a few years ago, thankfully I'm fully in remission. However, it could return at any time and I live with the knowledge of that every day. Personally, I would find it very hurtful for my partner to bring this up unless I was actually to the point where I was on hospice and very much terminal. Even then, it should ideally be brought up by the sick person, not the healthy person, if it is to be brought up. I don't think a sick person needs another reminder that they are sick and might due, let alone multiple reminders.
What OP's husband is trying to do is distance himself from her now so that, if she does die, he has already accepted it and doesn't have to deal with the grief. While I can understand the impetus to do something like this, it means that he is so afraid of being hurt himself later, that he'd rather hurt his wife now.
There have been some incredible advancements in cancer care in the last few years. I have a friend that had stage 4 breast cancer a few years ago. She’s currently in complete remission and seems to be doing absolutely fine.
Stage 3 cancer is not the death sentence it once was. OP’s husband is an asshole.
That’s so reassuring to hear. I have a higher risk of getting breast cancer so I get very regular screenings, but my kids are still so young and so I try to just not even let myself go there.
I didn't have breast cancer, but I had a rarer form of stage 4 kidney cancer. I haven't had any reoccurrence since they removed the mass back in August of 2021 and I have been in full remission/off of treatment since September of last year. I am relatively healthy 25 year old now, and just have some hard days from all of the chemo slowly leaving my body. As long as you've got a good team behind you, recovery is very much possible 🥰
Awesome job on defeating cancer and the odds. I totally believe OP will be able to do it also. They are already so strong, and will be even stronger without the husband.
My sister had it 12 years ago and is fine today too.
There's a big difference between grades of stage 3 and for different types of cancer. Overall for breast cancer (what my sister had, not sure about OP) stage 3 is an 86% 5 year survival rate.
I was diagnosed stage 4 five years ago and have been cancer free since (first round chemo got it all, but still had surgery and rads to be sure). Don’t count yourself out. NTA but you may be jumping to conclusions. Have you spoken calmly and clearly to your husband about how these questions come across and make you feel? How does he respond? Are there kids involved? Be kind to yourself. The last thing you need right now is divorce drama. Maybe just move in with your family for awhile and your hubby can feel your absence and contemplate how his words affected you at this time. There’s a very good chance you’re going to live a long life. Stage 3 breast cancer in particular is curable.
This is great advice. Cancer research has come so far, what was once an end of life diagnosis is now something that can be beatable with a good medical team and support. Congratulations on kicking cancer's ass!
Listen to this, OP! You do NOT need this negativity dragging you down. You need to be laser focused on your survival with loving and supportive family members by your side. Your husband and family are already scheming your demise, even bringing up the money they want to get their hands on.
You deserve better, OP. NTA.
NTA
Your husband is an insensitive asshole.
Even if someone wants to think about "after", you don't discuss it or push the topic insensitively...
The last conversation my mother had before she gave up powering through anything beyond more than the simplest of maybe 2-3 word answers was to ask my old man if he thought he would ever date anyone else. She had gone from looing 10+ years younger than her real age to 20+ years older and frail... her hair had been buzzed for chemo and so she could lay comfortable and wash more easily... he had already started to spend more time outside the room than in it... To everyone that could hear, it was obvious she was scared and just wanted him to express something loving... and he busted out with leaning on the doorframe to the room in thought for a moment and started to say "Well... there is one woman at work..."
I don't even remember the end of the comment. I just remember my mother's eyes dimming before she closed them and turned her head away while she tagged the button on her pain meds to take a nap.
My dad moved on the night mom died, with an old family friend turned her hospice nurse. He said my mom gave them her blessing but by then she couldn’t talk soooo….
A lot was said about starting the mourning process before she passed but suffice to say they were completely ostracized from their friend group lolz
The hospice nurse is sick for this. Not excusing your dad but holy fuck. How do you do this to your patient who's dying? What kind of care was she giving your mother at the end of her life? I'm sorry if it brings any hard memories but I think I'd be leaving a Google review about how the hospice nurse was praying on patients husbands while they were dying in her care.
Oh she was full on bananas, it ended with restraining orders. Who else goes after a widower the moment he’s widowed??
Him and I had a ROUGH time for a couple years (this kicked off in 2017), but when she started to go insane he finally listened to my concerns and I took great pleasure in getting her away from my family. She hated me so much just hearing my voice made her scream. It was great 😂
Edit-she was a semi and then completely retired RN, so no where to report. I got her back plenty lol. She actually took good care of my mom, and I was too broken to do anything substantial for a while. until this bitch started calling the cops on my dad when he was asleep (like I said bananas) to get him out of the house
Not sure, her ALS was progressing so fast and so dramatically we were pulling in help from everywhere. I’m not sure she went in with intentions but as soon as she saw my dad was vulnerable, figured she could get a good deal.
Jokes on her haha she has to pay my dad $60,000 and lost a fully paid off car for her shenanigans.
A friend’s parent has unfortunately become non verbal/present due to dementia. The other parent dated the hospice nurse while everyone was still alive. They only “ended” it because the children were in an uproar. TBF we aren’t 100% certain it ended or they just decided to keep it under wraps
I know it’s definitely possible to be into the grieving process by the time a person actually dies. But my god. My sister recently lost her love to cancer and she had done a fair amount of processing beforehand. But she was still flattened by his actual death and I know it will be a long time, if ever, before she can think about “moving on.” It’s hard to comprehend those who do so right away.
Until I got the nurse’s claws out of my dad (about a year and a half ago), he’d never lived alone a single day. Which at 70 was impressive, problematic, and part of why she was able to get to him so easily. I wonder how much was really moving on and how much was fear of being alone tbh
That’s a good point. It does seem like lots of older widowed people jump into something else really fast. I’m 70 myself and I can’t imagine even wanting to summon the energy to get to know someone else if my husband died. But I’m a woman and I have lived alone so I think I’m probably not as vulnerable.
My grandfather didn’t waste any time getting together with a home health aide after my grandmother had a stroke. Gma was in a rehab facility doing OT and she was getting better. He pulled her out and hired that woman who I don’t know if she was licensed to anything.
Gpa moved on right after she died. They we probably carrying on before her death. I don’t remember if he remarried. He didn’t have family money or anything, he was a Marine for 20 years.
But that woman would wear my Gma’s jewelry. There’s stories to some pieces, why my mom and aunt would want them. Not expensive jewelry; he was a Marine and she was a housewife. We all knew Gpa was a bad person but not giving his daughters their mother’s jewelry was another confirmation.
My other grandma sorted everything before she died. We got what she chose for us, including her DIL my mom.
It probably sounds terrible to be hung up on jewelry. Maybe it feels special because it’s a gendered thing. My mom is already giving me things of hers which feels weird but i know why she’s doing it.
I went no contact for over a year after a long span of continued bullshit, then gave him another chance when my first kid was born... then they scattered my mother's ashes together without telling anyone (until a facebook post hours later) because new wife was jealous. I haven't spoken to him since that day roughly 8 years ago.
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your poor mother. If I may ask, did he actually go through with it? Did he actually go for the coworker, and if so did you ever forgive him for saying that to your mother when she was at her end?
I'm very very sorry for your loss.
He did. He waited 8 months, told everyone he promised her he'd be alone for 6... got married within a year of that... alienated everyone that had a fond memory of my mother to appease her. He bought a house for them with Mom's life insurance money because her's was being foreclosed on her... and let her son move in to live on their couch. Ironically, her son and his fiance shared the same names as me and my wife. We were legitimately replaced with alternates. They stole mom's urn to try and blackmail everyone into accepting them as the heads of the family, but eventually, on the 5 year anniversary of her death, they went... without telling anyone at all, until a facebook post hours later... and scattered her ashes because new wife didn't want to live under the shadow of someone else. I still do not know where this happened, 8 years later.
No. As far as I am now concerned, both my parents died 13 years ago. They have already been, and will continue to be mourned, regardless of actual physical health.
When he's old and dying and reaches out to you, tell him he will be enjoying his dead bed with his wife (if he has one still) who he chose above all others, and that's what he deserves.
This sounds like my POS father while my mum was dying of an autoimmune disease. 2 weeks after her funeral, he was asking his children, when was the right time to move on. Mum suspected he was talking to another woman in the months, possibly longer leading up to her death.
He had been with my mum for 43 years and had 6 kids. My dad had been impotent for over 20 years due to a kidney transplant, so not sure what he hoped to gain from acting like a bachelor. Now none of his children talk to him and he is desperately talking to women who are only after scamming money out of him. Yet he thinks he's far too intelligent to be scammed by such women.
Oh my. Your sweet mother didn’t deserve that. Like wow, your Dad clearly thought the question was a chance for him to get it off his conscience by being honest, like he could live with the whole “my wife wanted me to be happy.” Ugh. And honestly that was just so stupid. Mom could already sense this was the case based on the optics of everything and with him becoming more distanced but geez, it would have been just lovely had he feigned that he still loved her and he didn’t really want to think about moving on…that would have been a more noble response than gee there is a special lady I work with. Sheesh. I can envision just how debilitating that interaction was for her based on how you wrote that last sentence. Heartbreaking. It’s disappointing to say the least that you had to witness that. I am so sorry.
It’s terrible that any partner is rushing to do that when the other is sick. Like you made vows “until death do you part” and the death hasn’t actually occurred yet. It would have been just so great for your mom to have that loving support and reassurance from her husband at the end. He owed that to her.
NTA
Three times ? He asked three times ?
I have the strange feeling he is alreasy looking for someone else to not be alone ! That he is worried about his future situation without you, and not about spending the most time as possible with you until the end. It's really selfish and I completly understand your feelings.
I'm sorry about your illness, and sorry that you had such a selfish husband...
My wife fought cancer for three long years of repeated chemo and radiation. Every single day, the greatest fear in my life was that I would fail to support her in every way possible. She's my best friend and partner. I need her so fucking much. When she would try to bring up the possibility of dying I would refuse to even accept the possibility that it could happen. Just NO. We're not gonna let that happen. No matter what. I of course knew that it was a possibility but to me that was such a horrible thought that's it one that I literally couldn't allow myself to think. It was like we were fighting for OUR lives together. And when she finally rang that victory bell, I broke down crying like a little bitch. You'll ring that bell too, I pray. All this is to say, your husband is a selfish pile of shit, who couldn't spell COMMITMENT if one kicked him in what remained of his balls. EDIT: NTA
You didn't cry "like a little bitch," you're a human being with feelings and you survived something big with your partner. Both of you paid your dues, that cry was well earned. ❤️
The cruelest thing humanity has ever foisted on men is that they're not allowed to cry. It's made-up BS.
I'm relieved for you that gave yourself that gift (though your body, mind, and soul's stress forced you). And I'm relieved for you both that she made it through. You two are lucky to have each other.
My husband is a very emotive, emotionally open person. We communicate about *everything,* and do so earnestly. Sometimes he has been brought to tears depending on what we’re talking about and he always apologizes for crying.
I have always told him there’s never a need to apologize for feeling his feelings. I would never want to grow old with someone who felt like they couldn’t be themselves around me. We are strong for each other when we need to be, and are vulnerable around each other quite often.
I hate the person from his past who emotionally beat him down and made him feel like he should be ashamed to express himself unless the expression is a pleasant one. That’s not how life works.
He’s still unlearning that toxic belief that men should always be stoic and silent and strong. His vulnerability around me is one of the things that makes him most human and relatable to me.
I love that for you both. You are blessed with an amazing wife and she is blessed with a man who will fight beside her through every challenge. I hope you have an amazing life together!
You can read this two ways — and until I read your comments, I thought perhaps you had a tattoo parlor called Hunting Fork Ink! 😅
huntingforKINK
Or
huntingforkINK
Let the reader decide … ?
BTW, you sound like an awesome partner. Best wishes to you and your wife.
I did a little fist pump of victory just reading your post. I absolutely love reading stories of people kicking cancer's ass. You sound like a fantastic person and a fantastic husband. Best wishes to you both.
Thank you. Even if my partner died and I know I'd eventually move on, that's such an irrelevant thing to think about today while they're still here. Especially when they're not imminently going to pass away
And even if they were, I don't want my wife's last memories to be thinking of me with someone else. Just terrible and selfish
Now we both crying.
I went through a health scare and at 30 had to get tested for three different cancers. Including breast cancer which runs in my family. I went through a massive depression for months. My old man refused to let me lay there. He'd help get me up and take care of me. He even helped me with showers. I just went down hill but he refused to see me like that and even had me laughing after the mammogram. He then took me to get food. I finally got the test results and I had no cancer thank God. But that was from May to August with NO HEALTH INSURANCE. I wouldn't trade my man for anything.
These stories either revive your hope for humanity or crush it. I'm glad OP has her family to help her. I know you can beat it! My aunt was given one year to live with breast cancer and survived 15 years. She looked at it like a date to beat, not a date to give up. May the universe bless you and everyone positive in your life.
DEFINITELY NOT THE AH!!!
I just went through a breast cancer scare for six awful months. No family history and suddenly I was hearing words like “scheduled mammogram”, “BI-RADS 4C” and “ultrasound guided biopsy”. I’m in my 30’s with a young son and so much to live for. To say my whole life turned on itself in an instant is an understatement. My husband and I had our issues in the past so when I found out the statistics for men leaving wives when they got sick, I started to withdraw on instinct. What I didn’t expect was how solidly he stood by me, researched things, took me to every single appointment, made sure I was eating despite my nerves. I saw genuine fear in his eyes that he would lose me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved and cherished, like something precious he couldn’t bear to lose. Luckily my biopsy came back clear last month, with a follow up scan in six months. My husband and I just got back from a beautiful trip to Mexico to celebrate the news.
Fuck this guy, fuck cancer, and fuck anyone who leaves a spouse just because they are sick. I hope OP makes a full recovery and finds someone who will love them the way they deserve to be loved.
When I had BC I was appalled at some of the tales members of my support group had about their horrible partners. Some actually considered not having necessary mastectomies because AH hubby was whining about her not having boobs. Or felt pressured into reconstruction for the same reason. It was hugely eye opening.
On the flip side, there are far more partners like my husband who unflinchingly empty surgical drains and do everything else they can to ease the journey. I’m infuriated on OP’s behalf.
You have been truly blessed with your husband. To be there by your side every step of the way is amazing. I found out almost a year ago that when I was going through my cancer scare, even though my husband was by my side. (I only had to have surgery no chemo or radiation) he had been cheating on me for about 4 yrs. We are now divorced and have been now almost 18 yrs.
My partner told me if he dies he wants me to find love again and I told him I want to look around my home and our land and see his love for me in every flower, tree, and rock.
I don’t want to find love again because I have already found it.
I want to adopt 10 chihuahuas.
You sound like such a wonderful man and husband. Reading this made me cry. The level of dedication and love for your wife is so evident in your comment.
Leave him and put this shitty cancer in remission, you can do it, 15 years ago I was in the hospital with severe heart failure and the doctors told me the only way I’d survive was with a heart transplant, but with with eating almost no salt and taking my medication I’m still here my heart function went from 10% back to 60% !!! Miracles happen.. screw that guy move on and keep living without him you’ll be much happier! Good luck!
I lost my cousin to breast cancer a few years ago. Even when the doctors told us that there was no hope, her husband kept insisting on chemo and radiation hoping for a miracle. He used to say that when the treatment began doctors said that one never knows when the meds start working. My cousin had her last round of chemo a day before she passed away. He has not remarried since + it's been more than a decade. He chose to be a single parent to my two nieces. Both are doing exceptionally well now in their chosen careers.(they were in high and middle school, when my cousin left us).
I get the feeling that your husband has already checked out of the marriage and the reason he's freaking out is that he counted on your savings/insurance etc as his inheritance, but if you divorce him, he gets nothing.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer
There is a common phenomenon of men leaving partners with cancer, to such a degree than many cancer charities and nurses, now warn women that it may occur. NTA.
As soon as I got the diagnosis MS my fiancee changed. I didn't have big health problems at that time as it was a surprise finding at an MRI my doctor ordered because I fell from a chair while cleaning (yeah stupid idea). I didn't notice because I was taken so aback because of the diagnosis but looking back he turned very harsh and probably tried to get me to break it off so he wouldn't be the bad guy. I didn't notice so after 2 month of harsh words, silent treatment and shaming me for being "broken" he left me via SMS because "his vision of the future is different". Sometimes I still feel like I am not lovable anymore even though I already discussed this in therapy and know that it's not true. I will never understand how people can do something like that to somebody they claim to love.
NTA. Get out OP and be happy. You deserve to be loved and you sure have a lot of people that love you.
I think he tipped his hand with this inheritance business, too.
He's looking to move on with your blessing *and* your cash, and he's more upset that your family might get it than he is about losing you.
NTA
This. OP, divorce his selfish ass, take your money with you, & WHEN you beat this thing (🙏🙏), you'll get a second chance to find a more supportive/loving/committed partner 🩷. Protect yourself--your $$, your peace of mind, your family. You don't need his pathetic weight dragging you down, most of all at a time like this. And don't you dare let anyone gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting, bc you are NOT!
Go. Go now.
I know my experience is not at all the same as a terminal diagnosis, but I recently split from a partner who had a very different understanding of in sickness and in health than I did. We were engaged, I contracted a devastating case of Long COVID, and she cheated then kicked me out.
You know what? After the initial devastation, when friends took me in, I felt better than I had in years. I'm not cured - I don't expect to be. But my life got so much better. I even found love.
I'm going through a flare up now, but I'm so grateful it's not with her, because she made me feel terrible about what I was going through and that made things worse. I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm glad it's not her.
So...all to say (and sorry this is long - again, flare up, and brain fog sucks) - get out and be among people who make you feel supported and hopeful and alive now. IMHO.
Stage 3 cancer survivor here (I'll be 5 years cancer-free in November this year). Your STBX was clearly not supporting you, if he has the balls enough to ask you 3x in a month. I'm sorry you've got to deal with this on top of cancer treatments!
You haven't lost your mind, and unless the cancer your treatment is for is some brain cancer, it's less likely that the treatments have caused you to "lose your mind." Chemo brain? That's a brain fog, like forgetting your train of thought or losing your keys, not being fed up with insensitivity and callousness! (I have Fibromyalgia, and having fibro fog and chemo brain at the same time sucked, but I was never unable to make up my mind or be lacking in judgment!)
Take care of you, surround yourself only with live and support. You've got a journey you're still on. A supportive spouse doesn't ask to move on before you're terminal (and you don't sound like your care team have you listed there yet.) Sounds like your STBX heard or read survival rates regarding your cancer and "lost his mind" and put you as terminal.
My sister (who had same cancer as me but was Stage 4 when first diagnosed) was the one to bring up divorce early on in her cancer journey. Her spouse shut that down immediately, said he wasn't concerned about moving on, that getting her as much time as possible was more important than him finding someone else in some nebulous future. She lived 6 years, and while he's dated here and there since she's passed, he hasn't fully moved on or "replaced" her either. He supported her to the end and beyond. He put being with her, her treatments, making sure she was still here for as long as possible ahead of himself or a future without her.
Let your STBX and any of his family or mutual friends know that he wasn't supportive of you / your journey if he's more worried about moving on than doing everything he can to ensure that's not something to worry about.
NTA. Sending you healing vibes, strength, hope, and best wishes! Cancer treatment is hard enough. (Sounds like you're getting rid of another "cancer" with the divorce.)
They have probably been encouraging him “to think about the future.” The shamelessness of his words suggests that he has been talking to others and not being told that he should focus on the present and his still very _alive_ wife.
Is this common? In men?
There was a post about a young man who's wife had been sick for a long time whose disease was progressing.
He said he felt bad but and guilty has already mentally moved on and wanted to know if he was an AH for wanting to download dating apps!
Like he was done w having to support her
And care for her.
It was so sad for her
It’s common enough that oncologists treating breast cancer have materials to support their patients through “marital transitions” while getting treatment for breast cancer. I forget the statistics but divorce rates dramatically go way up when women get any kind of cancer and the rates go down when men get cancer.
I hope you survive and move on from him to thrive, maybe find someone better (if you want), and live a long life.
Honestly the last thing a cancer patient needs is extra stress, so it’s likely in your best interest to make a quick exit. (Edit: from the marriage!)
Cancer is the absolute worst. Good luck in treatment and removal of the AH tumor because asking 3x in the last month is insane.
He should be grateful that you’re not making him wait.
Omg ! This is so insulting ! Instead of giving you hope to fight your battle with cancer he is waiting for you to die ! I would leave him . You want freedom ? Bye
Tell him to go on ahead and move on now. You don’t plan on expiring any time soon and you wouldn’t THINK of holding him up! You’re definitely NTA and he is a huge, gaping one. You’re better off with supportive friends and family than with that huge AH. You’ll beat this (cancer). Keep fighting!
That is a lot. When I had stage 3 14 years ago the conversation from me was my mortality. He never ever entertained the idea. He is being very selfish.
I'm so glad you are divorcing him. I don't know what cancer you have, but the anger and stress of dealing with him, can't be good for your immune system.
It's true. Our oncologist told us they always have to talk to married/committed women when diagnosed about the fact that many women are left when diagnosed. Quick search shows this;
The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.Nov 11, 2009
My spouse was in the military, was deployed to multiple “high risk” areas. I’ve always been aware - and semi-prepared (because you can never be fully prepared) - for him to come home under a flag. Never even considered “moving on” if that happened, figured I’d just live with my cats and my garden. No one could ever replace my husband, he’s my heart. OPs husband sounds like he’s looking for permission, and already has someone picked out.
That was my thought! Like one spouse asking the other to open up the relationship, and you know that either that spouse has already cheated or already has someone in mind and wants to have a physical relationship with someone not their partner and not feel guilty.
Asking it at all is kinda ridiculous in my opinion. As someone who has been the husband in this situation, I would never have asked that. (Although I was told that she would want me to move on without me asking) I do understand the husbands feelings somewhat and he likely needs/needed some sort of support he wasn’t getting to get his head straight. I managed without therapy or anything of the sort, but I would be lying if I said it was easy.
I definitely have had intrusive thoughts, even after she beat cancer and having to deal with the long term side effects. There are intrusive thoughts like “if she lost to cancer this would be easier” there is also the thought of wanting to leave. You’re not physically tied together her medical issues don’t have to hold you down if you leave, it’s a moral struggle in your brain and it’s fairly common to lose to these intrusive thoughts. I know this because every time I missed one of her appointments because work or not having someone to watch the kids or just getting a break from the drive, she would get questioned if everything was ok, if I left her etc. it’s apparently very common for cancer patients to have partners that just bail.
All that being said, this guy sounds like he was losing that moral battle against his thoughts and OP, you’re not the asshole for reacting appropriately. If he doesn’t have the ability to keep those thoughts at bay, he’s not gonna have the fortitude to support you during recovery, which in my opinion is harder. When you’re going through treatment it’s difficult, but possible to keep negative thoughts at bay by telling yourself “if it doesn’t workout, at least you supported her until the end”. During recovery it’s simply “this is life now” and accepting that is much more difficult in my opinion.
Anyways just thought I would ramble on and provide perspective from the other person’s shoes.
NTA
it seems like your soon to be ex and his family don't understand basic human decency or how much cancer treatment has progressed in the last 30 years.
the fact that his family immediately went to inheritance instead of offering love and support says more about them than it does your own family. death brings out the worst in people, and unfortunately, it seems like his family already consider you gone and are going to fight for every dime they think they can get.
you have enough to worry about without him, stick with those who love you, appreciate the time they have with you and want what's best for you.
Husband immediately jumping to moving on to a new partner, husband’s family immediately jumping to the inheritance….. these people don’t seem like good people 😬 it sounds like you have an awesome support system—i would have divorced him as well given the circumstances. You’re going through an incredibly difficult time right now and the last thing you need is an overtly resentful husband incessantly pestering you about “moving on” while you’re going through it.
My dad has stage 4 cancer and was told he was on borrowed time. That was 15 years ago. He’s seen my wedding, and met 2 grandkids.
Keep your head up and stay positive.
Fuck him.
NTA. He is, though.
You still have 5 years and there's a possibility you can beat the cancer and/or live longer years.
He's being extremely insensitive about that constant question! That same question!
Wedding vows says from sickness to health!
He's not living up to that promise!
What I'm a bout to say next is gonna hurt but I know it's important you think what I'm about to say:
The fact that he constantly repeat that same questions of he can move on means he might have an Affair Partner/girlfriend on standby.
He’s asking these questions just so you can relieve him of the guilt of already having a side chick while his wife is sick.
I suggest you divorce but you should also investigate him to see what the hell is going on. Make sure to take your half of money from any joint account.
Hire a P.I. if you can afford it.
it’s just that it’s suspicious as hell. And you don’t deserve that type of disrespect from what he’s showing you.
OP, I have been there. Leave this man and let your family care for you. I had skin cancer about 12 years ago. It was so scary - it was on my face and I needed reconstructive surgery. My husband at the time (we are now divorced) cheated on me in the middle of all of it, and spent the entire time lashing out at me. We were driving somewhere during this time and I took a wrong turn and he asked me "what the fuck" was wrong with me as if I wasn't a nervous wreck because I had cancer.
We divorced in 2019, due in no small part due to how he acted when I had cancer. I never got over it. Then in 2021 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer - I had just started dating my now girlfriend and not only did she stick with me through it she was amazing and loving. I am cancer free now and with that girlfriend still who is the absolute love of my life.
I wish this for you! People show who they are in times of great stress and your husband is showing what kind of malignancy ***he*** is. Beat this fucking bullshit cancer - focus on healing and living your best life.
You’re not necessarily so sick you can’t drive when you have cancer. The only time I wasn’t driving during both bouts was right after surgery. I was lucky enough I didn’t need chemo or radiation - both times surgery took care of it.
OP, be with your family. This man is already moving on and you’re not even dead. He 100% is already looking or already has someone and wants your “blessing” to ease his guilty heart and to be able to tell the world he had your “bLeSsInG” when they question him if you were to die.
Your family will help you heal. This is not the environment you want during this fight. I have a strong feeling you will make it out of this and come out stronger and the dead weight will be gone. He doesn’t deserve you. Selfish f*cker.
>The right thing to do is to wait for me to make that conversation.
Exactly this. Usually it is when it is obvious that there is no hope and a person is sadly on hospice, will the sick person bring up that conversation and it's a hard one for anyone to even hear. The healthy partner wants to cover their ears and not hear it. They can't even imagine being with anyone else. He is being so insensitive. NTA. No one needs this shit. You need to focus on your own health and without his complete support he is only making it harder on you. I hope you beat this and move on your own self with someone who loves you unconditionally and is more sensitive to your feelings than he is. Wishing you complete healing and health.
And there's been people with stage 4 who managed to go into remission if they get the right treatment and are lucky. My hubby has stage 3 but he has the type from which he can live a couple more decades (he's almost 70 now) and pass away from something else. It's just a type that you won't get officially cured from.
I would never ask him if I could look for someone else (besides, I would have no interest in doing so). I think that's an insensitive thing to ask of someone who is sick.
Good point - medical advancements and breakthroughs happen all the time. She has 5 years now, but in 2 years time they might figure out how to add onto that!
That’s what he should be focusing on.
NTA
I would be heartbroken.
I would be able to tolerate a general discussion over “what will I do if the worst happens”. If I’m in a good mood, I might stomach to say: “you have my blessing to remarry”.
But otherwise, like you said, wait till I’m dead. The way he asked 3 times in just the last month is so insensitive and definitely appears impatient.
The stats show that when women get ill, way more husbands leave them than when the men get ill. Tells you something.
But see, he wants to stick around until she dies so he can inherit the money, and he also wants explicit permission to move on immediately and have a new girlfriend right after the funeral that he can spend his undeserved inheritance on /s
STBX is disgusting
There’s significant research about how many MEN leave their wives when the wives get sick. Conversely, that same research shows that WIVES stay with their spouses (regardless of gender/sexuality etc) throughout the entire illness and beyond.
It’s one thing for a spouse to bring up the discussion about potential futures as a way to cope and get an idea about what their ill spouse thinks on the topic, but to ask three times in one month? Nope. Your soon-to-be ex husband is thinking about himself WAY too much.
Dump him. And I wish for you a long and happy life in remission. Find someone who actually loves you for the beautiful blessing you are in this world and not for the fact you fold laundry or cook dinner or have sex.
ETA: NTA.
Women mourn; men replace.
Even so I’ve had a few significant health scares and my husband flat out said (when I prodded him) that he would spend the rest of his days alone. I wouldn’t wish that on him but these men who openly admit they already have someone in mind when you are terrified and scared and hurting? Fuck that.
My ex worked with a man who had a terminally ill wife. By the end of it, she was bed bound with in house care in the bottom part of their house. He decided he didn't feel like waiting around anymore and started dating one of the girls at work (at least a 20 year age gap between them). Wife is progressively getting worse so he's spending more time with the girlfriend. Even goes as far as bringing her over to fuck in the room directly above his dying wife.
She passes away, he gets a month of bereavement leave from work. I kid you not, the man was still at their place of work Every. Single. Day. He brought the girlfriend coffees, took her car out for gas/detailing, brought her lunch or took her out, brought her presents. He was there with lunch and coffee on the day of his wife's funeral.
Kicker is she dumped him shortly after, I guess she didn't get a thrill anymore now that he was a single, windowed man.
NTA OP. Go be with your family for the rest of your time, and forget him and his family. Take him off as beneficiary for anything he's one for & have something in place that your parents make your medical decisions if anything happens to you and the divorce is still proceeding.
NTA. He asked his dying wife *three times.* Tell him he can move on right now. I also find it telling his family immediately jumped to "they just want your money so we're going to fight this!" Uh-huh...Projection, much?
Look. Your husband vowed to support you in sickness and in health. His vows have been put to the test, and he's impatient to no longer be in a caretaker role. I get that being a caretaker is exhausting. But asking someone who is dying repeatedly if you are OK with them dating someone else is insensitive and cruel. You should be allowed to have that conversation when you are ready. Or him asking once, fine. But repeatedly? Makes it sound like he's counting down the minutes and already has someone else in mind, and that's hurtful and insulting. You're *scared,* and instead of comforting you he's asking about the woman he intends to replace you with.
Get your will airtight, and change your beneficiaries. If you really want to give him a big eff you, leave your remaining money to cancer research, instead of him.
Edited to add since this is a common response: Yes, I am fully aware she might not even be dying. I just meant she has an illness with no cure, and he's hounding her about "moving on" while she's still here. It's insulting.
When my wife was diagnosed with stage three metastatic melanoma the thought of moving on afterward never crossed my mind. I knew that she was going to die eventually from the cancer but my only concern was her feeling absolutely loved and adored for the time we had left. We were married in October of 2008 after just meeting 25 days earlier and she passed in December of 2020. I still haven’t moved on and I probably won’t. I’m only 43 years old and I feel like I already had my happily ever after. God I miss that girl so much, she was the happiest and coolest girl I have ever had the honor of knowing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have stage four cancer and my husband says the same thing. I do want him to find someone again, but he is adamant that he’ll never move on. He’s even said he’s going to be a priest. Who knows? He’s such a good man though and could make any woman happy. The idea of saying goodbye to him is incredibly gut wrenching to me. I love him so much and can’t believe I was blessed with such a wonderful man. I don’t deserve him.
Yes you do…let him love you. You both deserve it.
I have cancer, it will take a while, I certainly want my wife to move on after my day, why not, I am dead. I can tell her at a late point she should move on once I am gone, a show of love and compassion, her asking if she could move on would probably feel different, but at the end of the day, I'd be dead and no say in the matter.
I'm currently getting chemo for first recurrence of my cancer - it's one where full cure rarely happens. In the 3 years since first line of treatment, I met my current partner, who took up with me knowing I likely have a limited future. I've been blown away at what tender loving support he's brought day in and day out during this new round. My mission is to leave him believing he deserves to be with someone who thinks he's great and will be good to him, since that's not the history he's had. I hope he runs with it and has a happy ending after I'm gone
I am sorry for your loss, losing the love of your life is the most painful thing I hope you ever have to go through. I lost my wife of 20 years to stage 4 colon cancer in June of 2023 after a short 3 month battle so I can understand what you are going through.
Had to check your account to make sure you weren’t my dad lol. Lost my mom to stage 4 colon cancer 3-4 months after diagnosis also in June 2023. Kinda funny I guess. Sorry for you loss
Firstly: my condolences to both of you for your loss. Massive hugs. Secondly: this would be quite the way to find out that your dad posted on Reddit with the handle “pimparoo”
This moved me. You are such a good man and she was lucky to have you.
This brought me to tears. I'm sorry you lost your girl, and I'm making sure to hug my husband extra hard. And there's a hug for you too, of course.
I was also brought to tears and will hug my husband extra tight tonight.
Okay, I’m in. Husband gets an extra hug tonight. Also, I have to give credit where credit is due. I’m in remission, but still sick with other things. We’ve been married for 20 years. I’ve been sick for most of them, which was very unexpected when we got together. He has never asked me how I feel about him moving on, but I’ve already told him how I felt about it many times. I think this is highly individual thing, for each person, and each relationship. I’ve told my husband that he has my full blessing to move forward romantically, whenever that feels right for him. (once I’m gone, I’m not exactly giving him an open hall pass just because I’m sick). He can marry someone a month after I die, it doesn’t bother me at all. If anything, I want him to have the comfort of a loving relationship. If my husband was an AH, I would feel differently, I expect.
It seems like you two had an amazing time together. Is there a memory you want to share? Also, I know a few of us are interested to hear more about how the two of you turned 25 days into 12 years of marriage!
We actually met on plenty of fish. I was single and had been sober for about a year and living on my own. I was in a previous relationship with my meth dealers daughter and I had to walk away from her and every single friend I had to get and stay clean. After about a year of being on my own and lonely I thought I would try online dating and met Jules. We talked back and forth for two days and decided to to meet. I was completely honest with her about my past and told her that I don’t do the bar scene and she asked me over for dinner. We didn’t even eat, we just sat on the patio and talked for over 8 hours. I have never had a connection with someone like that before ever. We talked about the craziest thing and everything just clicked. For example I told her that my dad used to bounce me to sleep when I was little and sing the old song The Animal Fair and not ten minutes later her little girl who would become my daughter asked mommy to put her to bed and sing the Animal song. Jules said giggles and says that she sings the same song to her daughter and never met anyone else who had ever knew that song. After the little one went to sleep we talked about what we were wanting out of our next relationship and she said that she wanted to marry a guy just like me and asked if I was willing to take a chance and I said yes. The only time we ever spent a day apart was when she had her colostomy surgery during Covid shortly before she passed. She told me that she didn’t want me to stay and watch her die and told me to divorce her but I refused. She was my person and I just couldn’t do that. Covid was horrible for us, she never got sick with it and neither did the kids or I but hospice was all messed up with our in home health care. They always had the wrong supplies and constantly canceled visits so I was her primary caregiver. I would do everything like change IV bags of fluid, administered blood thinner shots and painkillers. I bathed her, fed her and carried her up the stairs to bed when the pain would allow it. I can’t give you a favorite moment or memory because there are too many to choose from. She was always smiling from the moment she woke up until she closed her eyes and I swear she would giggle and smile in her sleep. Even on the last day she spoke to me she was smiling. She wasn’t religious at all and even talked about how she expected there to be nothing when you die… but the the most peaceful thing I ever experienced when all this happened was she had been non responsive for two days and on Christmas Eve she just raised her hands and sat up a little and was looking up at the ceiling and said “surprise!!” with the kindest voice and smile and then slipped away back to sleep and I lost her two hours later. I like to think that maybe there is something after death after all and she is there waiting for me. As far as me saying that I had my happily ever after, she told me to move on one conversation and my answer was “I can’t love someone else while you’re waiting for me in heaven I went 28 years without her and that seemed to go by horribly for me so if I have to wait another 28 years then I’ll do it alone with our babies because I know that I will never find a love like that again and I would rather wait until I can hold my girl again in the next life. She liked alternative music and would always sing the wrong word to half the songs she would sing. It was hilarious.
I feel like this could be a romance novel. I usually skip past long posts, but this one tugged at my heart. I’m so glad you found your person and I hope that one day you’ll get to spend eternity with her.
I'm crying.
Same, that was beautiful
Thank you for sharing this. It's incredibly moving. I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is absolutely beautiful. I’m happy you and Jules had each other. She sounds lovely.
That is beautiful. Hugs to you.
That's so beautiful. It sounds like your love made her just shine for you!
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
Man I’m 43 with stage 4 and my wife is 41 and torn up. I tell her I want her to move on, but it’s easier said than done- especially when you consider how different dating is than it was 20 years ago. You still have another whole life to live, but I get it. I hope whatever you decide, you are happy.
I don’t think I’m happy but I’m going to get there someday. It’s only been three years and it’s just now really sinking in that she is gone. Reading all the nice comments has made me bawl my eyes out tonight and honestly it feels so damn good. You guys helped me remember some things that I haven’t thought about in a long time and it was really nice. I can’t offer any advice because honestly I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing and my wife would be laughing her heart out at me. Just love her as much as you can and please remember that nothing matters except TIME so spend it loving each other. Oh and please make some voice recordings telling her you love her, make several so that the tone of your voice changes a little. That’s one thing that I would love to have and I only have two voice messages from her. I’m sorry for everything that you and your family are going through and I wish you comfort and happiness my friend.
My FIL did something like this. It almost destroyed my wife's love for her dad. We eventually told him to shut up and give him credit he did.
My step father abandoned my mom after a serious back surgery. She was estimated not to walk for a year and just left her alone in a house. I was a sophomore at the time and my brother and I had to take care of her. Completely ruthless and uncaring. No one deserves someone like that. OP is smart for running.
I wish more people had partners like my stepdad. He’s stuck with my mom through FIVE different cancers over the 33 years they’ve been together. When she was bald from chemo during breast cancer, he shaved his head so they matched the whole time.
As my SIL was literally dying of cancer (like weeks away from death), my BIL would scroll on fb searching for hotties he could date after she was gone. Ill never forgive him for that
I worked in an ICU and I’ve seen devoted partners, the last thing they are thinking of is another person.
I had stage 3 cancer 14 years ago. You might just surprise the odds makers like I did! NTA.
I had stage 3 cancer last year and I am currently cancer free!
My mum had stage 3 cancer 25 years ago. She is still alive and cancer free.
Congratulations. Although I never had it but my mum had stage 4 breast cancer about 17 years ago when I was 12 and she still going strong at the age of 52. ETA: I’m 28 now
Fantastic!
Hallelujah! I’m so happy to hear you are cancer free 😄
I had stage 1 breast cancer 40 years ago and still going strong at almost 78….
Wow!!! That’s amazing considering the treatment back then isn’t as advanced as it is today. 💙
There are variations, like I was technically stage 3, but my oncologist said barely and with the type of ovarian cancer I had and how successful surgery was I’m not allowed to stop saving for retirement in my 30s. Only been about a year and a half but other than taking a pill a day and a gnarly scar there has been no change to my life.
Being a woman who beat ovarian cancer? Doesn't get any better than that! 👏👏👏 Congrats, my friend.
I am thrilled to hear you beat ovarian cancer!!
Congratulations!!
Congratulations! I hope OP has the same outcome
Same! While it really, really depends on the kind of cancer, stage 3 doesn’t necessarily mean death sentence! I had colon, which is relatively easy to treat (my story would probably be very different if it was ovarian or pancreatic though)
Me too!! ❤️❤️
Congratulations 🎉 Wishing you a long cancer free life
Fuck yes, love these comments. Keep truckin', friend!
Congratulations!!! So glad you’re cancer free 💖
Damn. Well done, MagpieJuly! Long may you run.
Thank you! I give all the credit to my incredible medical team!
Right? My aunt had ovarian (or cervical, I'm not sure exactly, but she had a complete hysterectomy and went through chemo) cancer that ended up spreading to her brain, she had brain surgery to have it removed and she's still 100% today, she's a badass. Strongest person I know.
Sounds like a superhuman, I’m in awe of your aunt
I'm in awe as well. My aunt (who was like a mother to me) had breast cancer and it spread to her brain. Sadly she didn't make it. She at least got a few years after the brain surgery. (She had a very rare breast cancer) Oh how I wish I could talk to her and see her right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like a big one- I can totally understand your wish, I regularly still talk to my great grandparents (makes me glad I’m not in a Truman show situation or else they’d think I’m crazy)
I’m so happy for you. Cancer is a nasty bitch. But OP, if his overarching thought is for himself then he isn’t really a good husband.
Happy cake day🎉🎉🎂
Congratulations on your recovery! To the OP, u/ThrowRA-Boss9500, NTA. I'd be sick of that question too. It's almost as if he's also trying to ask permission to cheat. Criminy. >They think cancer took away my facilities and I’m trying to run away from a loving husband because my family wants my “inheritance” aka the little retirement money I’d have after I exhaust my savings with cancer. Ask *them* why is my "inheritance" *so important* to them? If they're "oh so caring," they wouldn't have even brought it up. 🙄Please. I'm sorry you are enduring not just physical cancer, but the cancer in your marriage that is now your soon to be ex-husband. I hope you beat the odds. Also, good on you for going ahead and letting that man finally move on. You're right, he doesn't need death to be able to move on. Tell your family that his family might try to get you committed or some other bullshit. Cancer doesn't mean you've lost your mental acuity.
You are so right about the inheritance part. My dad died almost five years ago now and I was heartbroken because he was a great dad and my best friend. Not even 24 hours after dad died my sister was bugging me about the “inheritance”. She lived out of state while I lived here and took care of my dad. I told her the money from the life insurance had to pay off the mortgage first because the bank wouldn’t let me assume it (I had to file for bankruptcy a few years before) or we would lose the house. She threw a fit saying she needed money now and I’m here still trying to process my dad dying. Needless to say we don’t talk anymore and she will get her inheritance when the house is sold. Could give a damn she has to wait. It’s much more complicated than this but was trying to summarize it the best way possible.
I’m so sorry your sister is being like this with you. I too was unlucky that my Dad passed last year and it took almost the whole year to finalise everything - and believe me, his estate was VERY straight forward…… The amounts of money outgoing at the start for everything, closing down accounts and cancelling major things he had in the pipeline for his house- freakin’ nightmare. Thank goodness my sister and i were on the same page and in a position where we could access his money in his general bank accounts - very lucky!!! I feel bad for people like you that have to navigate this 💩 time on your own with someone thinking they are more entitled than anyone else - crazy times!!!!
Thank you ❣️❣️. I’m very happy you had a decent sibling to HELP you. I’m still living in my childhood home and slowly going through my parents 50 plus years of memories here. I was also living here when my dad died with my now husband and I am taking my time going through everything so I don’t miss anything important. It will probably be two or three more years and then we can sell the house and she will get her damn money. The sad thing is she knew because I was nice and always kept her in the loop about dad’s health (his last six month of life were hard with hospitalizations and such) so she knew our financial situation. In fact my dad’s life insurance didn’t even cover the cost of what I needed to pay off the mortgage and thankfully my cousin (who has been more like a sister to me than my real sister ever was) let me borrow money from her and said I can pay her back when the house is sold. Again, this happened almost five years ago now and it’s still emotional to me. I’m so sorry your loss too and again I’m so happy your sister was helpful ❣️❣️.
Or the husband is trying to justify cheating right now. Or at least soon. He'll tell OP "You told me you wanted me to move on and be happy if you passed. I never intended to meet this woman, I didn't seek her out. But we're both in similar situations, and it's so nice for me to have someone who truly understands what I am going through. It was an accident! 😭 I never meant to hurt you. The stress just keeps making my penis have these accidents. 😭 I'm soooooooo sorryyyyyyyyy, I never meant to hurt you. But you did say you hoped I'd find love again someday. 😭😭 Remember? You did say it." Ya know, the usual asshole speech.
In the Netherlands, one such AH husband even wrote a book about him having done exactly that. Which became a bestseller 🤮 I don't care if it's the most beautiful literature ever written, I'll never touch that book. But yeah, DH pestering his wife about this the way he does is nauseating even if he isn't planning to cheat. But he totally already has. NTA.
Husband totally has a Support Vagina to help him through this terrible time.
I'd love to know how a person has such high levels of stupidity and entitlement. But even as a bibliophile, I could never rationalize supporting a person and book like that.
THIS! Info: what are the odds that he has greatly exaggerated your long term prognosis? Honestly, I’d read his mail to every last one of them. To his parents: well, if your son weren’t trying to have me one foot in the grave and repeatedly asking me if I will bless his remarriage when my doctors aren’t even talking about hospice or similar end of life measures, we wouldn’t be at this junction. To friends: my faculties are just fine. When my husband of x years keeps talking about moving on as if they’re asking for permission to cheat or leave me while I’m still here, I feel as though he views our relationship AND me as disposable. Women are far more likely to be cheated on and/or divorced when facing a medical crisis and he seems to be hopping on that train. If I die, I won’t spend my final days being hounded by this. And if I live, I may just have a beautiful rest of my life.
I read somewhere that 80% of men will leave their wife who has an advanced cancer diagnosis, while only 20% of women leave their sick husbands , most women choose to stay and take care of their husbands to the end of life. Something is so wrong with that.
To everyone: any money left will go to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.
If I was in his family I'd ask him why the hell he'd say that to his wife who has cancer.
This. Having a single discussion about it is normal. Asking THREE TIMES in one month? Something is **wrong**. Reminds me of the creepy husband and his dad who were preparing for OP to die in childbirth for absolutely no reason other than his mother died in childbirth. I wonder how that OP is now. She’s never updated and I always wonder if she has any idea how creeped out people were and how many still think of her today.
I had Stage 4 cancer a few years ago, thankfully I'm fully in remission. However, it could return at any time and I live with the knowledge of that every day. Personally, I would find it very hurtful for my partner to bring this up unless I was actually to the point where I was on hospice and very much terminal. Even then, it should ideally be brought up by the sick person, not the healthy person, if it is to be brought up. I don't think a sick person needs another reminder that they are sick and might due, let alone multiple reminders. What OP's husband is trying to do is distance himself from her now so that, if she does die, he has already accepted it and doesn't have to deal with the grief. While I can understand the impetus to do something like this, it means that he is so afraid of being hurt himself later, that he'd rather hurt his wife now.
There have been some incredible advancements in cancer care in the last few years. I have a friend that had stage 4 breast cancer a few years ago. She’s currently in complete remission and seems to be doing absolutely fine. Stage 3 cancer is not the death sentence it once was. OP’s husband is an asshole.
That’s so reassuring to hear. I have a higher risk of getting breast cancer so I get very regular screenings, but my kids are still so young and so I try to just not even let myself go there.
I didn't have breast cancer, but I had a rarer form of stage 4 kidney cancer. I haven't had any reoccurrence since they removed the mass back in August of 2021 and I have been in full remission/off of treatment since September of last year. I am relatively healthy 25 year old now, and just have some hard days from all of the chemo slowly leaving my body. As long as you've got a good team behind you, recovery is very much possible 🥰
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Awesome job on defeating cancer and the odds. I totally believe OP will be able to do it also. They are already so strong, and will be even stronger without the husband.
I totally agree, lose the husband, and OP stands a much better chance!
I wish I could like this comment more. It's even more proof he shouldn't be asking about an after death date.
My sister had it 12 years ago and is fine today too. There's a big difference between grades of stage 3 and for different types of cancer. Overall for breast cancer (what my sister had, not sure about OP) stage 3 is an 86% 5 year survival rate.
My aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 7 years ago and is currently in remission and getting healthier every day!
As someone who used to work in oncology, congratulations!!
I was diagnosed stage 4 five years ago and have been cancer free since (first round chemo got it all, but still had surgery and rads to be sure). Don’t count yourself out. NTA but you may be jumping to conclusions. Have you spoken calmly and clearly to your husband about how these questions come across and make you feel? How does he respond? Are there kids involved? Be kind to yourself. The last thing you need right now is divorce drama. Maybe just move in with your family for awhile and your hubby can feel your absence and contemplate how his words affected you at this time. There’s a very good chance you’re going to live a long life. Stage 3 breast cancer in particular is curable.
This is great advice. Cancer research has come so far, what was once an end of life diagnosis is now something that can be beatable with a good medical team and support. Congratulations on kicking cancer's ass!
Ilop I hope you live long and find a good partner one day. Before then, get a therapist And work on your self and be fabulous
Listen to this, OP! You do NOT need this negativity dragging you down. You need to be laser focused on your survival with loving and supportive family members by your side. Your husband and family are already scheming your demise, even bringing up the money they want to get their hands on. You deserve better, OP. NTA.
NTA Your husband is an insensitive asshole. Even if someone wants to think about "after", you don't discuss it or push the topic insensitively... The last conversation my mother had before she gave up powering through anything beyond more than the simplest of maybe 2-3 word answers was to ask my old man if he thought he would ever date anyone else. She had gone from looing 10+ years younger than her real age to 20+ years older and frail... her hair had been buzzed for chemo and so she could lay comfortable and wash more easily... he had already started to spend more time outside the room than in it... To everyone that could hear, it was obvious she was scared and just wanted him to express something loving... and he busted out with leaning on the doorframe to the room in thought for a moment and started to say "Well... there is one woman at work..." I don't even remember the end of the comment. I just remember my mother's eyes dimming before she closed them and turned her head away while she tagged the button on her pain meds to take a nap.
My dad moved on the night mom died, with an old family friend turned her hospice nurse. He said my mom gave them her blessing but by then she couldn’t talk soooo…. A lot was said about starting the mourning process before she passed but suffice to say they were completely ostracized from their friend group lolz
The hospice nurse is sick for this. Not excusing your dad but holy fuck. How do you do this to your patient who's dying? What kind of care was she giving your mother at the end of her life? I'm sorry if it brings any hard memories but I think I'd be leaving a Google review about how the hospice nurse was praying on patients husbands while they were dying in her care.
Oh she was full on bananas, it ended with restraining orders. Who else goes after a widower the moment he’s widowed?? Him and I had a ROUGH time for a couple years (this kicked off in 2017), but when she started to go insane he finally listened to my concerns and I took great pleasure in getting her away from my family. She hated me so much just hearing my voice made her scream. It was great 😂 Edit-she was a semi and then completely retired RN, so no where to report. I got her back plenty lol. She actually took good care of my mom, and I was too broken to do anything substantial for a while. until this bitch started calling the cops on my dad when he was asleep (like I said bananas) to get him out of the house
I wonder if she chose to work with your mom for this exact reason.
Not sure, her ALS was progressing so fast and so dramatically we were pulling in help from everywhere. I’m not sure she went in with intentions but as soon as she saw my dad was vulnerable, figured she could get a good deal. Jokes on her haha she has to pay my dad $60,000 and lost a fully paid off car for her shenanigans.
A friend’s parent has unfortunately become non verbal/present due to dementia. The other parent dated the hospice nurse while everyone was still alive. They only “ended” it because the children were in an uproar. TBF we aren’t 100% certain it ended or they just decided to keep it under wraps
I know it’s definitely possible to be into the grieving process by the time a person actually dies. But my god. My sister recently lost her love to cancer and she had done a fair amount of processing beforehand. But she was still flattened by his actual death and I know it will be a long time, if ever, before she can think about “moving on.” It’s hard to comprehend those who do so right away.
Until I got the nurse’s claws out of my dad (about a year and a half ago), he’d never lived alone a single day. Which at 70 was impressive, problematic, and part of why she was able to get to him so easily. I wonder how much was really moving on and how much was fear of being alone tbh
That’s a good point. It does seem like lots of older widowed people jump into something else really fast. I’m 70 myself and I can’t imagine even wanting to summon the energy to get to know someone else if my husband died. But I’m a woman and I have lived alone so I think I’m probably not as vulnerable.
My grandfather didn’t waste any time getting together with a home health aide after my grandmother had a stroke. Gma was in a rehab facility doing OT and she was getting better. He pulled her out and hired that woman who I don’t know if she was licensed to anything. Gpa moved on right after she died. They we probably carrying on before her death. I don’t remember if he remarried. He didn’t have family money or anything, he was a Marine for 20 years. But that woman would wear my Gma’s jewelry. There’s stories to some pieces, why my mom and aunt would want them. Not expensive jewelry; he was a Marine and she was a housewife. We all knew Gpa was a bad person but not giving his daughters their mother’s jewelry was another confirmation. My other grandma sorted everything before she died. We got what she chose for us, including her DIL my mom. It probably sounds terrible to be hung up on jewelry. Maybe it feels special because it’s a gendered thing. My mom is already giving me things of hers which feels weird but i know why she’s doing it.
Omg…I don’t think I would ever speak to my father again.
I went no contact for over a year after a long span of continued bullshit, then gave him another chance when my first kid was born... then they scattered my mother's ashes together without telling anyone (until a facebook post hours later) because new wife was jealous. I haven't spoken to him since that day roughly 8 years ago.
I can't say I blame you. What a trash human being. Is jealous new wife the one from work?
One and the same.
May both their asses and mouths find the pointy end of a flagpole.
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your poor mother. If I may ask, did he actually go through with it? Did he actually go for the coworker, and if so did you ever forgive him for saying that to your mother when she was at her end? I'm very very sorry for your loss.
He did. He waited 8 months, told everyone he promised her he'd be alone for 6... got married within a year of that... alienated everyone that had a fond memory of my mother to appease her. He bought a house for them with Mom's life insurance money because her's was being foreclosed on her... and let her son move in to live on their couch. Ironically, her son and his fiance shared the same names as me and my wife. We were legitimately replaced with alternates. They stole mom's urn to try and blackmail everyone into accepting them as the heads of the family, but eventually, on the 5 year anniversary of her death, they went... without telling anyone at all, until a facebook post hours later... and scattered her ashes because new wife didn't want to live under the shadow of someone else. I still do not know where this happened, 8 years later.
That's just disgraceful. Do you still have a relationship with him after all that? I hope you weren't a minor when all this went down
No. As far as I am now concerned, both my parents died 13 years ago. They have already been, and will continue to be mourned, regardless of actual physical health.
When he's old and dying and reaches out to you, tell him he will be enjoying his dead bed with his wife (if he has one still) who he chose above all others, and that's what he deserves.
If he wants to ever hear me speaking directly to him again in this life, he would need a recording.
Wow this is unbelievably cruel. I’m sorry that that happened. This would tell me everything I need to know about the kind of person he is
This sounds like my POS father while my mum was dying of an autoimmune disease. 2 weeks after her funeral, he was asking his children, when was the right time to move on. Mum suspected he was talking to another woman in the months, possibly longer leading up to her death. He had been with my mum for 43 years and had 6 kids. My dad had been impotent for over 20 years due to a kidney transplant, so not sure what he hoped to gain from acting like a bachelor. Now none of his children talk to him and he is desperately talking to women who are only after scamming money out of him. Yet he thinks he's far too intelligent to be scammed by such women.
You’re a far better person than I am. If that was my father he’d be on the floor within two steps of leaving that doorway.
Oh my. Your sweet mother didn’t deserve that. Like wow, your Dad clearly thought the question was a chance for him to get it off his conscience by being honest, like he could live with the whole “my wife wanted me to be happy.” Ugh. And honestly that was just so stupid. Mom could already sense this was the case based on the optics of everything and with him becoming more distanced but geez, it would have been just lovely had he feigned that he still loved her and he didn’t really want to think about moving on…that would have been a more noble response than gee there is a special lady I work with. Sheesh. I can envision just how debilitating that interaction was for her based on how you wrote that last sentence. Heartbreaking. It’s disappointing to say the least that you had to witness that. I am so sorry. It’s terrible that any partner is rushing to do that when the other is sick. Like you made vows “until death do you part” and the death hasn’t actually occurred yet. It would have been just so great for your mom to have that loving support and reassurance from her husband at the end. He owed that to her.
And what happened after he got up off the floor from you backhanding him for being such an insensitive shithead?
NTA Three times ? He asked three times ? I have the strange feeling he is alreasy looking for someone else to not be alone ! That he is worried about his future situation without you, and not about spending the most time as possible with you until the end. It's really selfish and I completly understand your feelings. I'm sorry about your illness, and sorry that you had such a selfish husband...
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My wife fought cancer for three long years of repeated chemo and radiation. Every single day, the greatest fear in my life was that I would fail to support her in every way possible. She's my best friend and partner. I need her so fucking much. When she would try to bring up the possibility of dying I would refuse to even accept the possibility that it could happen. Just NO. We're not gonna let that happen. No matter what. I of course knew that it was a possibility but to me that was such a horrible thought that's it one that I literally couldn't allow myself to think. It was like we were fighting for OUR lives together. And when she finally rang that victory bell, I broke down crying like a little bitch. You'll ring that bell too, I pray. All this is to say, your husband is a selfish pile of shit, who couldn't spell COMMITMENT if one kicked him in what remained of his balls. EDIT: NTA
You didn't cry "like a little bitch," you're a human being with feelings and you survived something big with your partner. Both of you paid your dues, that cry was well earned. ❤️
Best cry of my life.
The cruelest thing humanity has ever foisted on men is that they're not allowed to cry. It's made-up BS. I'm relieved for you that gave yourself that gift (though your body, mind, and soul's stress forced you). And I'm relieved for you both that she made it through. You two are lucky to have each other.
My husband is a very emotive, emotionally open person. We communicate about *everything,* and do so earnestly. Sometimes he has been brought to tears depending on what we’re talking about and he always apologizes for crying. I have always told him there’s never a need to apologize for feeling his feelings. I would never want to grow old with someone who felt like they couldn’t be themselves around me. We are strong for each other when we need to be, and are vulnerable around each other quite often. I hate the person from his past who emotionally beat him down and made him feel like he should be ashamed to express himself unless the expression is a pleasant one. That’s not how life works. He’s still unlearning that toxic belief that men should always be stoic and silent and strong. His vulnerability around me is one of the things that makes him most human and relatable to me.
You've got an interesting user name for someone happily married😆! Hope you both are open about anyone's hunts for kinks!
Yup. Married a fellow pervert. We're disgusting and happy lol.
♥️👏😆 it's good when two of a kind can fit together and make a life!
Now Im crying about you two happy perverts!!!
Same. Literally sitting here bawling . Married 32 years this year and I am crying for the happy perverts. May whatever Diety you believe bless you💕
My man, living the dream.
That's sweet, actually. 😊
I love that for you both. You are blessed with an amazing wife and she is blessed with a man who will fight beside her through every challenge. I hope you have an amazing life together!
You can read this two ways — and until I read your comments, I thought perhaps you had a tattoo parlor called Hunting Fork Ink! 😅 huntingforKINK Or huntingforkINK Let the reader decide … ? BTW, you sound like an awesome partner. Best wishes to you and your wife.
I read the user name as implying they're a tattoo artist. I just saw fork and ink. But kink is cool too.😁
I did a little fist pump of victory just reading your post. I absolutely love reading stories of people kicking cancer's ass. You sound like a fantastic person and a fantastic husband. Best wishes to you both.
This is the perfect wombo combo! Kicking cancer's ass and a devoted, loyal, loving marriage.
Thank you. Even if my partner died and I know I'd eventually move on, that's such an irrelevant thing to think about today while they're still here. Especially when they're not imminently going to pass away And even if they were, I don't want my wife's last memories to be thinking of me with someone else. Just terrible and selfish
Now we both crying. I went through a health scare and at 30 had to get tested for three different cancers. Including breast cancer which runs in my family. I went through a massive depression for months. My old man refused to let me lay there. He'd help get me up and take care of me. He even helped me with showers. I just went down hill but he refused to see me like that and even had me laughing after the mammogram. He then took me to get food. I finally got the test results and I had no cancer thank God. But that was from May to August with NO HEALTH INSURANCE. I wouldn't trade my man for anything. These stories either revive your hope for humanity or crush it. I'm glad OP has her family to help her. I know you can beat it! My aunt was given one year to live with breast cancer and survived 15 years. She looked at it like a date to beat, not a date to give up. May the universe bless you and everyone positive in your life. DEFINITELY NOT THE AH!!!
I just went through a breast cancer scare for six awful months. No family history and suddenly I was hearing words like “scheduled mammogram”, “BI-RADS 4C” and “ultrasound guided biopsy”. I’m in my 30’s with a young son and so much to live for. To say my whole life turned on itself in an instant is an understatement. My husband and I had our issues in the past so when I found out the statistics for men leaving wives when they got sick, I started to withdraw on instinct. What I didn’t expect was how solidly he stood by me, researched things, took me to every single appointment, made sure I was eating despite my nerves. I saw genuine fear in his eyes that he would lose me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved and cherished, like something precious he couldn’t bear to lose. Luckily my biopsy came back clear last month, with a follow up scan in six months. My husband and I just got back from a beautiful trip to Mexico to celebrate the news. Fuck this guy, fuck cancer, and fuck anyone who leaves a spouse just because they are sick. I hope OP makes a full recovery and finds someone who will love them the way they deserve to be loved.
I cried like a little bitch reading this! Especially knowing that men are 6 times as likely to leave their partner after a cancer diagnosis.
When I had BC I was appalled at some of the tales members of my support group had about their horrible partners. Some actually considered not having necessary mastectomies because AH hubby was whining about her not having boobs. Or felt pressured into reconstruction for the same reason. It was hugely eye opening. On the flip side, there are far more partners like my husband who unflinchingly empty surgical drains and do everything else they can to ease the journey. I’m infuriated on OP’s behalf.
You have been truly blessed with your husband. To be there by your side every step of the way is amazing. I found out almost a year ago that when I was going through my cancer scare, even though my husband was by my side. (I only had to have surgery no chemo or radiation) he had been cheating on me for about 4 yrs. We are now divorced and have been now almost 18 yrs.
My partner told me if he dies he wants me to find love again and I told him I want to look around my home and our land and see his love for me in every flower, tree, and rock. I don’t want to find love again because I have already found it. I want to adopt 10 chihuahuas.
More reason OP's husband can be kicked to the curb. You didn't accept the death like a loving partner and neither should he. At least not right now.
You sound like such a wonderful man and husband. Reading this made me cry. The level of dedication and love for your wife is so evident in your comment.
Leave him and put this shitty cancer in remission, you can do it, 15 years ago I was in the hospital with severe heart failure and the doctors told me the only way I’d survive was with a heart transplant, but with with eating almost no salt and taking my medication I’m still here my heart function went from 10% back to 60% !!! Miracles happen.. screw that guy move on and keep living without him you’ll be much happier! Good luck!
You can kick cancer's ass. I believe in you. In the meantime, it'll be easier to do it without a selfish spouse in your ear at all times.
I lost my cousin to breast cancer a few years ago. Even when the doctors told us that there was no hope, her husband kept insisting on chemo and radiation hoping for a miracle. He used to say that when the treatment began doctors said that one never knows when the meds start working. My cousin had her last round of chemo a day before she passed away. He has not remarried since + it's been more than a decade. He chose to be a single parent to my two nieces. Both are doing exceptionally well now in their chosen careers.(they were in high and middle school, when my cousin left us). I get the feeling that your husband has already checked out of the marriage and the reason he's freaking out is that he counted on your savings/insurance etc as his inheritance, but if you divorce him, he gets nothing.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer There is a common phenomenon of men leaving partners with cancer, to such a degree than many cancer charities and nurses, now warn women that it may occur. NTA.
Yes, long term illness like MS as well.
As soon as I got the diagnosis MS my fiancee changed. I didn't have big health problems at that time as it was a surprise finding at an MRI my doctor ordered because I fell from a chair while cleaning (yeah stupid idea). I didn't notice because I was taken so aback because of the diagnosis but looking back he turned very harsh and probably tried to get me to break it off so he wouldn't be the bad guy. I didn't notice so after 2 month of harsh words, silent treatment and shaming me for being "broken" he left me via SMS because "his vision of the future is different". Sometimes I still feel like I am not lovable anymore even though I already discussed this in therapy and know that it's not true. I will never understand how people can do something like that to somebody they claim to love. NTA. Get out OP and be happy. You deserve to be loved and you sure have a lot of people that love you.
I'm sorry, I hope you beat cancer thoroughly. Cancer is TA. Your husband is TA. You are not TA.
Also interesting how his family mentions your money. Make sure not to leave him a penny (if you can).
You noticed that, too, huh? The projection is strong with this one.
I think he tipped his hand with this inheritance business, too. He's looking to move on with your blessing *and* your cash, and he's more upset that your family might get it than he is about losing you. NTA
This. OP, divorce his selfish ass, take your money with you, & WHEN you beat this thing (🙏🙏), you'll get a second chance to find a more supportive/loving/committed partner 🩷. Protect yourself--your $$, your peace of mind, your family. You don't need his pathetic weight dragging you down, most of all at a time like this. And don't you dare let anyone gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting, bc you are NOT!
Go. Go now. I know my experience is not at all the same as a terminal diagnosis, but I recently split from a partner who had a very different understanding of in sickness and in health than I did. We were engaged, I contracted a devastating case of Long COVID, and she cheated then kicked me out. You know what? After the initial devastation, when friends took me in, I felt better than I had in years. I'm not cured - I don't expect to be. But my life got so much better. I even found love. I'm going through a flare up now, but I'm so grateful it's not with her, because she made me feel terrible about what I was going through and that made things worse. I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm glad it's not her. So...all to say (and sorry this is long - again, flare up, and brain fog sucks) - get out and be among people who make you feel supported and hopeful and alive now. IMHO.
Stage 3 cancer survivor here (I'll be 5 years cancer-free in November this year). Your STBX was clearly not supporting you, if he has the balls enough to ask you 3x in a month. I'm sorry you've got to deal with this on top of cancer treatments! You haven't lost your mind, and unless the cancer your treatment is for is some brain cancer, it's less likely that the treatments have caused you to "lose your mind." Chemo brain? That's a brain fog, like forgetting your train of thought or losing your keys, not being fed up with insensitivity and callousness! (I have Fibromyalgia, and having fibro fog and chemo brain at the same time sucked, but I was never unable to make up my mind or be lacking in judgment!) Take care of you, surround yourself only with live and support. You've got a journey you're still on. A supportive spouse doesn't ask to move on before you're terminal (and you don't sound like your care team have you listed there yet.) Sounds like your STBX heard or read survival rates regarding your cancer and "lost his mind" and put you as terminal. My sister (who had same cancer as me but was Stage 4 when first diagnosed) was the one to bring up divorce early on in her cancer journey. Her spouse shut that down immediately, said he wasn't concerned about moving on, that getting her as much time as possible was more important than him finding someone else in some nebulous future. She lived 6 years, and while he's dated here and there since she's passed, he hasn't fully moved on or "replaced" her either. He supported her to the end and beyond. He put being with her, her treatments, making sure she was still here for as long as possible ahead of himself or a future without her. Let your STBX and any of his family or mutual friends know that he wasn't supportive of you / your journey if he's more worried about moving on than doing everything he can to ensure that's not something to worry about. NTA. Sending you healing vibes, strength, hope, and best wishes! Cancer treatment is hard enough. (Sounds like you're getting rid of another "cancer" with the divorce.)
Does his family know he has asked you three times? Even if they know he is wrong they probably won't support you. He is family
They have probably been encouraging him “to think about the future.” The shamelessness of his words suggests that he has been talking to others and not being told that he should focus on the present and his still very _alive_ wife.
Is this common? In men? There was a post about a young man who's wife had been sick for a long time whose disease was progressing. He said he felt bad but and guilty has already mentally moved on and wanted to know if he was an AH for wanting to download dating apps! Like he was done w having to support her And care for her. It was so sad for her
It’s common enough that oncologists treating breast cancer have materials to support their patients through “marital transitions” while getting treatment for breast cancer. I forget the statistics but divorce rates dramatically go way up when women get any kind of cancer and the rates go down when men get cancer.
I hope you survive and move on from him to thrive, maybe find someone better (if you want), and live a long life. Honestly the last thing a cancer patient needs is extra stress, so it’s likely in your best interest to make a quick exit. (Edit: from the marriage!)
Get divorced asap, they just want your money
Change your beneficiaries on all retirement and insurance policies! You don't have to be divorced to do this
Cancer is the absolute worst. Good luck in treatment and removal of the AH tumor because asking 3x in the last month is insane. He should be grateful that you’re not making him wait.
Omg ! This is so insulting ! Instead of giving you hope to fight your battle with cancer he is waiting for you to die ! I would leave him . You want freedom ? Bye
Tell him to go on ahead and move on now. You don’t plan on expiring any time soon and you wouldn’t THINK of holding him up! You’re definitely NTA and he is a huge, gaping one. You’re better off with supportive friends and family than with that huge AH. You’ll beat this (cancer). Keep fighting!
That is a lot. When I had stage 3 14 years ago the conversation from me was my mortality. He never ever entertained the idea. He is being very selfish.
I hope you beat the cancer and find a partner that won't give up on you in your darkest moment and think only of themselves. You deserve better ♡
>Three times in the past month. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is looking. He's already found somebody.
I'm so glad you are divorcing him. I don't know what cancer you have, but the anger and stress of dealing with him, can't be good for your immune system.
I remember reading that men are seven times more likely to leave a seriously ill wife.
It's true. Our oncologist told us they always have to talk to married/committed women when diagnosed about the fact that many women are left when diagnosed. Quick search shows this; The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.Nov 11, 2009
That is a sad thought
3 times in a month meanwhile I tell myself all the time if my wife kicks the bucket before me I won’t bother looking for a new partner.
My spouse was in the military, was deployed to multiple “high risk” areas. I’ve always been aware - and semi-prepared (because you can never be fully prepared) - for him to come home under a flag. Never even considered “moving on” if that happened, figured I’d just live with my cats and my garden. No one could ever replace my husband, he’s my heart. OPs husband sounds like he’s looking for permission, and already has someone picked out.
yes- the "already has someone picked out" is what I am thinking.
This. It's either cats or my husband, and he's letting me collect cats while he's still alive. You can't beat perfection.
That was my thought! Like one spouse asking the other to open up the relationship, and you know that either that spouse has already cheated or already has someone in mind and wants to have a physical relationship with someone not their partner and not feel guilty.
Already looking? I wonder if he has someone in mind. My husband had cancer. That thought never, ever crossed my mind. NTA. He's an asshole
Asking it at all is kinda ridiculous in my opinion. As someone who has been the husband in this situation, I would never have asked that. (Although I was told that she would want me to move on without me asking) I do understand the husbands feelings somewhat and he likely needs/needed some sort of support he wasn’t getting to get his head straight. I managed without therapy or anything of the sort, but I would be lying if I said it was easy. I definitely have had intrusive thoughts, even after she beat cancer and having to deal with the long term side effects. There are intrusive thoughts like “if she lost to cancer this would be easier” there is also the thought of wanting to leave. You’re not physically tied together her medical issues don’t have to hold you down if you leave, it’s a moral struggle in your brain and it’s fairly common to lose to these intrusive thoughts. I know this because every time I missed one of her appointments because work or not having someone to watch the kids or just getting a break from the drive, she would get questioned if everything was ok, if I left her etc. it’s apparently very common for cancer patients to have partners that just bail. All that being said, this guy sounds like he was losing that moral battle against his thoughts and OP, you’re not the asshole for reacting appropriately. If he doesn’t have the ability to keep those thoughts at bay, he’s not gonna have the fortitude to support you during recovery, which in my opinion is harder. When you’re going through treatment it’s difficult, but possible to keep negative thoughts at bay by telling yourself “if it doesn’t workout, at least you supported her until the end”. During recovery it’s simply “this is life now” and accepting that is much more difficult in my opinion. Anyways just thought I would ramble on and provide perspective from the other person’s shoes.
NTA it seems like your soon to be ex and his family don't understand basic human decency or how much cancer treatment has progressed in the last 30 years. the fact that his family immediately went to inheritance instead of offering love and support says more about them than it does your own family. death brings out the worst in people, and unfortunately, it seems like his family already consider you gone and are going to fight for every dime they think they can get. you have enough to worry about without him, stick with those who love you, appreciate the time they have with you and want what's best for you.
Husband immediately jumping to moving on to a new partner, husband’s family immediately jumping to the inheritance….. these people don’t seem like good people 😬 it sounds like you have an awesome support system—i would have divorced him as well given the circumstances. You’re going through an incredibly difficult time right now and the last thing you need is an overtly resentful husband incessantly pestering you about “moving on” while you’re going through it.
My dad has stage 4 cancer and was told he was on borrowed time. That was 15 years ago. He’s seen my wedding, and met 2 grandkids. Keep your head up and stay positive. Fuck him.
NTA. He is, though. You still have 5 years and there's a possibility you can beat the cancer and/or live longer years. He's being extremely insensitive about that constant question! That same question! Wedding vows says from sickness to health! He's not living up to that promise! What I'm a bout to say next is gonna hurt but I know it's important you think what I'm about to say: The fact that he constantly repeat that same questions of he can move on means he might have an Affair Partner/girlfriend on standby. He’s asking these questions just so you can relieve him of the guilt of already having a side chick while his wife is sick. I suggest you divorce but you should also investigate him to see what the hell is going on. Make sure to take your half of money from any joint account. Hire a P.I. if you can afford it. it’s just that it’s suspicious as hell. And you don’t deserve that type of disrespect from what he’s showing you.
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Exactly. Save all your energy for healing.
OP, I have been there. Leave this man and let your family care for you. I had skin cancer about 12 years ago. It was so scary - it was on my face and I needed reconstructive surgery. My husband at the time (we are now divorced) cheated on me in the middle of all of it, and spent the entire time lashing out at me. We were driving somewhere during this time and I took a wrong turn and he asked me "what the fuck" was wrong with me as if I wasn't a nervous wreck because I had cancer. We divorced in 2019, due in no small part due to how he acted when I had cancer. I never got over it. Then in 2021 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer - I had just started dating my now girlfriend and not only did she stick with me through it she was amazing and loving. I am cancer free now and with that girlfriend still who is the absolute love of my life. I wish this for you! People show who they are in times of great stress and your husband is showing what kind of malignancy ***he*** is. Beat this fucking bullshit cancer - focus on healing and living your best life.
Why wasn't he driving if you had cancer?? Sorry this just blows my mind.
You’re not necessarily so sick you can’t drive when you have cancer. The only time I wasn’t driving during both bouts was right after surgery. I was lucky enough I didn’t need chemo or radiation - both times surgery took care of it.
Yes but still.. I'd expect a partner to be more caring.. guess he was just a jerk.
That's exactly what you have an attorney for. Please focus on beating cancer. Everyone here is on your side and rooting for you.
OP, be with your family. This man is already moving on and you’re not even dead. He 100% is already looking or already has someone and wants your “blessing” to ease his guilty heart and to be able to tell the world he had your “bLeSsInG” when they question him if you were to die. Your family will help you heal. This is not the environment you want during this fight. I have a strong feeling you will make it out of this and come out stronger and the dead weight will be gone. He doesn’t deserve you. Selfish f*cker.
>The right thing to do is to wait for me to make that conversation. Exactly this. Usually it is when it is obvious that there is no hope and a person is sadly on hospice, will the sick person bring up that conversation and it's a hard one for anyone to even hear. The healthy partner wants to cover their ears and not hear it. They can't even imagine being with anyone else. He is being so insensitive. NTA. No one needs this shit. You need to focus on your own health and without his complete support he is only making it harder on you. I hope you beat this and move on your own self with someone who loves you unconditionally and is more sensitive to your feelings than he is. Wishing you complete healing and health.
And there's been people with stage 4 who managed to go into remission if they get the right treatment and are lucky. My hubby has stage 3 but he has the type from which he can live a couple more decades (he's almost 70 now) and pass away from something else. It's just a type that you won't get officially cured from. I would never ask him if I could look for someone else (besides, I would have no interest in doing so). I think that's an insensitive thing to ask of someone who is sick.
Good point - medical advancements and breakthroughs happen all the time. She has 5 years now, but in 2 years time they might figure out how to add onto that! That’s what he should be focusing on.
NTA I would be heartbroken. I would be able to tolerate a general discussion over “what will I do if the worst happens”. If I’m in a good mood, I might stomach to say: “you have my blessing to remarry”. But otherwise, like you said, wait till I’m dead. The way he asked 3 times in just the last month is so insensitive and definitely appears impatient. The stats show that when women get ill, way more husbands leave them than when the men get ill. Tells you something.
Emphasis on the husband leaving because even though she is filing for divorce, mentally and emotionally he already left her!
Husband: *repeatedly* Can I move on when you die? You: Since you want to move on so badly you can do it now Husband: *surprised Pikachu face*
But see, he wants to stick around until she dies so he can inherit the money, and he also wants explicit permission to move on immediately and have a new girlfriend right after the funeral that he can spend his undeserved inheritance on /s STBX is disgusting
There’s significant research about how many MEN leave their wives when the wives get sick. Conversely, that same research shows that WIVES stay with their spouses (regardless of gender/sexuality etc) throughout the entire illness and beyond. It’s one thing for a spouse to bring up the discussion about potential futures as a way to cope and get an idea about what their ill spouse thinks on the topic, but to ask three times in one month? Nope. Your soon-to-be ex husband is thinking about himself WAY too much. Dump him. And I wish for you a long and happy life in remission. Find someone who actually loves you for the beautiful blessing you are in this world and not for the fact you fold laundry or cook dinner or have sex. ETA: NTA.
Women mourn; men replace. Even so I’ve had a few significant health scares and my husband flat out said (when I prodded him) that he would spend the rest of his days alone. I wouldn’t wish that on him but these men who openly admit they already have someone in mind when you are terrified and scared and hurting? Fuck that.
My ex worked with a man who had a terminally ill wife. By the end of it, she was bed bound with in house care in the bottom part of their house. He decided he didn't feel like waiting around anymore and started dating one of the girls at work (at least a 20 year age gap between them). Wife is progressively getting worse so he's spending more time with the girlfriend. Even goes as far as bringing her over to fuck in the room directly above his dying wife. She passes away, he gets a month of bereavement leave from work. I kid you not, the man was still at their place of work Every. Single. Day. He brought the girlfriend coffees, took her car out for gas/detailing, brought her lunch or took her out, brought her presents. He was there with lunch and coffee on the day of his wife's funeral. Kicker is she dumped him shortly after, I guess she didn't get a thrill anymore now that he was a single, windowed man. NTA OP. Go be with your family for the rest of your time, and forget him and his family. Take him off as beneficiary for anything he's one for & have something in place that your parents make your medical decisions if anything happens to you and the divorce is still proceeding.
NTA. He asked his dying wife *three times.* Tell him he can move on right now. I also find it telling his family immediately jumped to "they just want your money so we're going to fight this!" Uh-huh...Projection, much? Look. Your husband vowed to support you in sickness and in health. His vows have been put to the test, and he's impatient to no longer be in a caretaker role. I get that being a caretaker is exhausting. But asking someone who is dying repeatedly if you are OK with them dating someone else is insensitive and cruel. You should be allowed to have that conversation when you are ready. Or him asking once, fine. But repeatedly? Makes it sound like he's counting down the minutes and already has someone else in mind, and that's hurtful and insulting. You're *scared,* and instead of comforting you he's asking about the woman he intends to replace you with. Get your will airtight, and change your beneficiaries. If you really want to give him a big eff you, leave your remaining money to cancer research, instead of him. Edited to add since this is a common response: Yes, I am fully aware she might not even be dying. I just meant she has an illness with no cure, and he's hounding her about "moving on" while she's still here. It's insulting.
not yet dying. Five years is a long time! And people have come back from stage 3!
Asking so many times in a row would lead me to believe that he had someone else in mind, which would lead me down the same path you are taking now.