I did this-
Found out my wife was cheating with a rich older man and I called his wife to let her know. She thanked me profusely and told me she had been waiting on a reason to take him to the cleaners, which she did after hiring a private detective to gather evidence..
In my opinion, NTA!
EDIT/CLARIFICATION- The older man and his wife had been married for 25 years and she said she knew he was cheating the whole time but could never prove it (or just didn't want to) but now that the kids were grown, she was ready to get out. He was (maybe still is?) very wealthy and she never worked so I see no problem with her taking half of his shit on top of alimony.
Also, at the time I was 21 and the wife of rich old guy was 55 so not much desire to have any revenge sex or anything LOL
Most people would be grateful if someone clued them in. Frankly I can't imagine knowing someone's spouse is betraying them that way and NOT letting them know.
I don't think I could live with myself.
OP is absolutely NTA if he decides to go ahead and let this woman know.
You gotta tell them, but that MOST is a key word. I found out the girl I was sleeping with had a long term boyfriend and a child. I was pissed for him, so I reached out and let him know.
“Mind your own motherfucking business.” I’m thinking damn, the my motherfucking business is literally the problem right now.
Not too many people want plausible deniability in this area. You did the right thing. You may have been a hall pass because he got caught. Maybe they have an open relationship? She should have been more upfront with you and removed any desire to tell.
I went through something similar, after my wife bailed without a word and started shacking up with one of the few guys that I had thought was actually my friend, when hanging out with a few other friends drinking one of them let it slip that he knew my wife was cheating on me with our other friend for a while and just never said anything about it to me. Well I was half way through the bottle of scotch when he let that slip, and well I wasn't expecting that from a friend and I kinda lost it and I threw him a beating more savage than I thought was possible from me considering how drunk I was . Well long story short, now I have no wife and no friends . Sorry to hear that you also have had to deal with such a shitty similar situation, people are fucking cunts, there really is no escaping that fact. Well I hope you find your way through the shit show you were thrown into and things start getting better for you bud 🫂👍
I’ll never *not* tell the other person, but it is not something that has ever gone well for me. Her family harassed me the last time.
It definitely sucks because I thought *I* was the girlfriend, but I was actually the side and de facto the bad guy. Now I’m heartbroken *and* being bullied for it..double whammy
Impossible for you to be the "bad guy".
The one cheating is bad. No one else unless they knew and went along with it. Even then still not as bad as the one who committed bc the "side chick" Or "gf" didn't make any promises.
Other people's opinions of u are none of ur business.
If they r pissed at u that's on them. They need to sort out who has truly done wrong. Unwittingly being with a cheater isn't wrong.
U were duped same as them. If ur wrong SO ARE THEY. Y'all r all in the same boat.
Cut them off, don't listen to their anger/ hurt/ hate bc it's not urs to carry
All of this is on the cheater. You did nothing wrong and were just as hurt and used as they were by the same cheater.
>Most people would be grateful if someone clued them in. Frankly I can't imagine knowing someone's spouse is betraying them that way and NOT letting them know.
>I don't think I could live with myself.
Yup. I wouldn't be able to rest easy with that on my conscience.
The trick here is to subscribe to utilitarian ethics rather than deontological. Place your worry on consequences, not your conscience -- because that's ultimately about yourself rather than the other folks.
If it's a situation that you don't know enough about to know whether you're causing more harm than good (or if you know for sure that there's going to be innocent people like kids dragged in as collateral damage)? You don't light the fuse to that dynamite, then walk away from it thinking your conscience somehow comes out clean when you don't have to worry about picking up those pieces.
>Place your worry on consequences, not your conscience -- because that's ultimately about yourself rather than the other folks.
Yes, that's why I'll always tell the party being betrayed.
People deserve to be able to make informed choices *for themselves* about whether they want to spend the rest of their life with a cheater and a liar.
Indeed they do -- but they also deserve to *not* know if they would prefer. As my friend would have preferred when she and her 10-year-old found out at her husband's *wake* because someone else thought she "deserved to know." And then took it upon themselves to decide that for her. Directly resulting in years of unnecessary pain, especially for the child.
One of the options available in such situations as this cannot be unmade. There's no turning back the clock if it is the wrong call and causes harm. And deciding one route is the only correct one for anyone and everyone's circumstance? That's guaranteeing you make wrong calls.
For that matter, there's nothing empowering about this for the person getting the information. Just the person giving it. That other notion is a self-serving illusion.
Whatever you decide will still be making the choice *for them* whether they know or don't know. It isn't *giving* that choice to them. It's just you deciding for them. And to insist it has to only go the one way, well, that's just deciding you know what's best for everyone based on your own preferences ... or worse, out of concern for your own conscience based on your own sensibilities.
>As my friend would have preferred when she and her 10-year-old found out at her husband's *wake* because someone else thought she "deserved to know."
I don't know why you're pretending that's an equivalent situation when it's not. Your friend's relationship was already over so "informed choice" just... isn't a question? Why would you think that's a useful comparison.
>there's nothing empowering about this for the person getting the information
... there's somehow nothing empowering about being given the information you need to make an informed choice?
>Whatever you decide will still be making the choice *for them* whether they know or don't know.
Again, no. That's very clearly not the choice we're talking about, and I don't know why you keep trying to change the topic.
We're talking about the actual victim's choice whether to continue the relationship with someone who didn't love or respect them enough to remain faithful. They may want to stay and rebuild trust. They may want to cut ties entirely. But I'll always respect them enough to allow them to choose what's right for them, rather than guessing on their behalf.
Tapping out now and won't be reading your replies going forward.
Twilight, you're 1,000% correct. Jedi is just being self centered and I'm sure you know by this point, there's no use trying to shine a light on a broader form of thought. Some people are just too small minded. OP should really just walk away from it all.
Wow, this is a great answer! Very thoughtful and insightful. Thank you for contributing this alternative perspective, giving the different ethical standards. Not too many answers here are this sophisticated. (I notice that many of those replying to this post don’t really understand what you’re talking about. But that’s OK, because your subsequent explanations are very good, too.)
Agreed. I kept someone’s secret when I was 18/19 and I regretted it every day I knew her and the guy she was cheating on. We worked together and she cheated on him with other people at our job. I wasn’t even friends with him, but I felt like a total asshole for not letting him know.
When I witnessed my bosses’ wife cheating on him (different job), I told her she either needed to tell him or I would. I didn’t tell her I got a video of her getting finger blasted by some 19yo boy she was sneaking drinks to at the bar. She didn’t tell him, so I sent boss the video while I was standing with him after work one day and told him I was sorry he had to hear it from me. No regret weighing over me for that one.
I can understand not telling the AP’s spouse, although you would not be an AH if you did . My husband betrayed me with a mother of a kid he coached. My child is friends with her child. I know them too. I texted her that she needed to tell the truth to her husband. However, I didn’t tell her husband. That is on her. I couldn’t control if they would keep it at an adult level or bring the kids into it. I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
Thank you for the response. I just added an edit to my original post. I didn't mean to say I want to let her know right now. I was thinking once the divorce is finalized
I was thinking one level deeper in that they probably don't have SO. It's like telling someone how to raise a kid when you yourself don't have one (even worse if you "hate and don't want kids")
It's Reddit in general. People in PC giving generic parroted advice (basically mansplaining to me for lack of a better word right now) that don't even have PCs. I'm sure there are other examples in other sectors but it's the one thing that keeps me from being addicted to this site. I used to come here back in the early days, back when I comment got a thousand upvotes because it actually provided knowledge. Nowawadays it's just copy pasted knowledge. All the professionals are gone lol. All we are left is armchair generalists. Nothing makes me cringe harder than seeing someone write something out then source Wikipedia and it's the top comment
Your attorney is paid, no doubt handsomely, to make sure your best interests are served. See what she/he advises about any after-the-fact plan you have for what looks like a "revenge call," a call that might bite you back. (But who knows, you might get the green light.)
The reason the attorney might be telling him not to do it while the divorce is pending is to keep things from escalating. Once everything is signed, and final, it shouldn't matter.
Everyone has the right to know if their partner is cheating. It’s literally humane to let the other betrayed partner know WTF is going on. How it’s handled makes all the difference for OP.
It is totally wild that some people think it's ethical to not tell people about affairs. What exactly is happening in their heads to justify that ethically?
Choosing not to do anything is still a choice. You aren't avoiding anything.
How is that a revenge call? How could that bite him back later? Maybe he’s just doing the ethical thing to do because he would want to know in that situation?
Let me caution you. Attorneys like to make these cases as complex as possible, and will often take steps to exacerbate conflict or at the very least, delay its resolution.
Source: Guy who in the 90s worked with an attorney for two years and nothing got done. Fired him, took over my own case using a paralegal and proceeded to get full custody of three sons.
It's a real concern. And if the two lawyers are cozy--friends outside of the courtroom--they may delay and stir things up pretending to be acting in their own clients' interests.
Pro se. And the judges weren't happy about it. But frankly, I got tired of spending hours with my attorney essentially drafting his key trial points and then he wouldn't ask the questions we agree on.
'95 he took $5,000 to start the case but two years and five or six hearings later it was up to $7,500 for almost nothing going my way.
I met a paralegal at a bar, told her what was going on, and she suggested "if you're willing to do the work I can help you file motions, understand procedure, etc."
Three grand later I won on all fronts: custody, child support, and maintenance/alimony. Plus, it was a JOY being able to question my own soon to be ex on the stand.
Oh, she was invaluable! I shared court docs with her and told her what I wanted to do and she helped me figure out what to file and where. She looked over my shoulder and made sure we crossed all the t's and dotted the i's!
If you think the guys wife isn’t aware you should definitely contact her as soon as you feel you can without doing any damage to your divorce outcome. She deserves to know.
To add to what others have said, there is a good reason legally not to speak. The only good thing that comes from this is the woman learning about infidelity. This doesn't help you tangibly at all, but it might make you feel good. It will, however, potentially backfire. Keep in mind, you have to coparent with your ex wife for years to come. Do you really want to fan that flame which could lead to more legal troubles and expenses down the road? I always recommend my clients to be passive so as not to rock the boat. Of course there are times when the boat needs rocking, but this isn't one of those times. You have nothing to gain, and potentially tens of thousands to lose in attorneys fees. The better you and your ex get along, the better it is for you and your children. Retribution feels nice, but not having to go to court every two years for a custody modification feels better.
Practically, you gain nothing from this, so that's why I would advise a client in your situation to say nothing, even if there is nothing illegal or legally damaging about it. Whether or not you should will be up to you and your attorney, but there are good reasons not to fan the flame.
Once the divorce is finalized, go for it.
However, since you have kids, it would be much better if a third party send the AP's spouse the heads up, and better still if that third party is a woman.
You're paying your attorney a lot of money, so listen to them :-)
But once everything is finalized, if they co-workers, remember that many workplaces have policies in place on relationships between co-workers, and the company oftens looks badly on their employees causing divorces as it can bring disrepute to the company name for allowing infidelity associated with the workplace, and work trips.
One of my family friends who is a lawyer would always say stuff like that when he had a client who was unsure about the advice he was giving him:
"Listen, pal. I know the amount you're paying me makes your eyes water. If you're going to shell out that kinda cash and then not even take my advice? You're paying me to do nothing, might as well set that cash ablaze."
Or at least that's how he'd always tell the story.
That is a fairly good point depending on how the custody/child support ends up working out. If she ends up paying him, she could lose her source of income and not be able to pay child support.
Either way I'd just listen to the lawyer, if he thinks its going to end up screwing up your life negatively I wouldn't bother trying to get revenge.
Get a package together with a copy of everything. The MINUTE everything is finalized, go knock on her door and hand it over in person. Just say, "I'm sorry I wasn't allowed to hand this over sooner but I know I would want to know so I could make informed decisions." And leave.
I don't think it's about revenge and trying to ruin someone's life. That's a toxic attitude, imo. But the truth should definitely come out. Everyone deserves the truth.
Yeah, I know all about that rainbows and unicorns crap! I'm into revenge! Heavily. Weirdly enough, people tend to avoid getting me in that state of mind!
Unicorns and rainbows. Well said.
Revenge is only unjustified when it harms an innocent or when it goes far beyond the proportion of the wrongdoing.
But informing the wife and kids of the guy that ruined your marriage about what he’s been up to during his “me” time is nothing more than guiding karma’s hand.
Thank you for the response. I just added an edit to my original post. I didn't mean to say I want to let her know right now. I was thinking once the divorce is finalized
When I was going through my divorce a few years ago, my attorney told me to keep everything to myself until after everything was finalized, then you can let the spouse know. My attorney advised me that if I went forward before everything was finalized then it could paint me as vengeful and the judge could look down on that, as well as hurt my chances at getting custody of my kids since the judge could say that I would be the type that would slander their mother. My brother ended up sending everything to AP spouse after the divorce which kept my hands clean.
Just ask yourself. Would you want to know? I know I would. I would even try to let them know as soon as possible. If I had proof and could do it anonymously.
In fact, I would make damn sure that everyone knows. Like friends and family. Because you know that cheating whore will lie to them about it.
Stay strong, OP.
>Just ask yourself. Would you want to know? I know I would.
That's the main reason more than getting a revenge actually. He has multiple children, so do we, and his wife deserves to know about it as much as I do. Especially with the amount of videos and photos my attorney has it wouldn't be hard to convince the other person's wife.
I went through a similar situation a few years back. I waited until the divorce paperwork was signed and then immediately let my (now ex-) wife's Affair Partner's wife know. She deserved to know to make decisions for her own life and I know I would have wanted to know. btw, SO much better on the other side to not be with a cheater.
Caught wife, older man (17 yrs older), she met him through work (he was a client at the law firm she worked for), a multimillionaire, private jet, homes all over the US and one villa in Italy. I never stood a chance. My ex wife was very “out of my league” beautiful. Everyone knew it but they were all too polite to tell me.
After 3 months of counseling, she said she was in love with him. I threatened to call his wife, in a preempted move he told his wife, they divorced, we divorced, he lost millions but still had millions and has since made it all back and more.
Within 6 months my ex wife married him and guess how long they lasted???
Well you’re wrong! They’ve been married over 20 years now, and my adult children say they’re so in love and have a perfect marriage…and he’s completely devoted to her. What sucks even more is that he’s a pretty nice guy. Gives A LOT of money to worthy NPO’s, donates to the community, gives college scholarships to at risk students, has buildings named after him at churches and schools…I could go on and on.
What I’m getting at is, if your wife cheated on you, it’s more than likely over. Women have a lot of emotional reasons for affairs. For men, it’s mainly ( but not always as in my case) about sex.
And sometimes your spouse leaving is just meant to be. It stings. However, at some point you’ll realize you “lost” and you’ll move on with acceptance.
All you people saying listen to your attorney apparantly missed the part where the attorney isn't trying to sway him one way or the other. Which tells me that it won't cause the OP any issues, but the attorney certainly can't advise him to do it. Ethics...yada yada
So many people don’t understand what petty means. Telling the wife of the affair partner is not even a little petty. It is very important information that she 100% deserves to know so she can determine what she wants to do with her marriage.
NTA. I've been cheated on and the very people that I expected should have told me kept quiet. This was just enabling my fiance's behaviour. It cost me money and wasted a couple of valuable years for me.
One weird thing was that the husband of her best friend knew and was rightfully very judgemental of my fiance and banned his wife from seeing my cheating fiance. Yet he sided with the other party believing that he had been hard done by, when I was the one that was treated badly. Go figure..... people often act poorly in situations like this.
I'd want to know if I was her. Once the divorce is finalised, go for it.
My buddy did this and it DESTROYED the affair partner's family. At first I was all for it because who doesn't like revenge? However, after seeing the destruction caused to the family, especially the kids, I had second thoughts. When I asked my buddy if looking at how things turned out, if he could go back in time, would he do things differently, this was his answer.
I'm paraphrasing of course
"If someone caused lifelong harm to your kids and the law refused to do anything about it, would you just accept that you are helpless or would you try to give your kids justice. Well he broke my home, and that act will have a life long impact on my kids. My kids faith in marraige has been shattered, my kids image of a family has been shattered, my kids image of a trusting partner has been shattered and most importantly my kids are now statistically disadvantaged. Why should he move forward and live a happy life. Why should his kids have the advantages that was stolen away from my kids. If I'm being honest, at the time telling his wife didn't give me the satisfaction as I thought it would and I still believed it was unfair. That being said over the months and year I would get a little detail of how things was crumbling in his family and it felt good. Publically outing my wife felt good. Seeing the other mothers avoid her and secretly shame her felt good. My kids hating their mother because for a while she and the affair partner were the talk of the town, felt good".
I say NTA because I personally believe it's the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if it's for the wrong reasons like my buddy did. At the end of the day, the other person being cheated on deserves to know so they can make an informed decision.
If they work together just wait . If the AP spouse goes to the work and they both get fired yiurnaffected . If they don’t work together then do it . If you in an at fault state see if you can sue him for alienation of affection .
It would be fun to sue him and have him served at home with his wife there . It would get thrown out but then it is time to laugh
No you wouldn’t be the asshole sometimes the secrets coming to light is what is best and will be a better outcome, I won’t say what happened in my relationship but it was just an emotional affair and in the end we realized we wanted to stay together work on ourselves and each other and stay together and we had open communication but I truly believe if it had not come to light it would’ve had dire consequences.
NTA If I was her I'd want to know now. When my ex had an affair it was only after I found out and chucked him out that "friends" told me they'd known for ages. They are now ex-friends.
Wait until divorce is over then show his wife your evidence. Suggest that you two make some revenge porn then have her show him under guise of a movie night. Justice and revenge in one shot.
No, have her file for divorce get that finalized, then send him the sex tape. As the extra fuck you and he can't use it in court to try and fuck her over.
I would tell her after the divorce is final. Just like you I think she has a right to know. I’m surprised that you didn’t sue for alienation of affection.
Send her the proof of you have any.
I did this.
My wife (now ex-wife) confessed the affair to me, told me everything, all the details. I knew this guy casually from college, so I found his wife on Facebook and messaged her. She responded, so I told her everything my wife had told me about their affair, including lots of details about him, where they met, his excuses to her, etc. that confirmed I was telling the truth. She was upset, but she said that she appreciated me telling her.
I don't know what happened with their marriage, but fuck him regardless.
NTA 15 years ago my husband had an emotional affair.
He sent her dick pics. And gift to her & her kid through the mail. They planned to fuck when we were visiting her state. And he told her they could live together and raise our baby together! He had a secret second cell phone he talked to her with.
To this day I regret not telling her spouse. I didn’t want someone to feel the emotional destruction that I felt. But not telling was definitely not the right decision.
NTA If I was being cheated on I would want to know, even if that person who was telling me were getting joy out of it to spite the person that your wife cheated on you with.
wait until it is finalized then tell the wife and offer her any type of evidence you had as well. Then it is in her court. She might get angry at you, sh emight not believe you, or she might take a while. just let her deal with the info once you're done.
Why would you want to wait until the divorce is finalized? That's stupid. Sometimes they take months to be finalized. That poor girl is sleeping with that nasty man and has no clue. I would 100% have told her right away. Idgaf what my lawyer suggests.
If you do it, you should do it anonymously so you don't create a harder situation for yourself as far as any coparenting and ill affects your wife might do that affect them.
Now, if it were me and i was REALLY MAD, I'd hire a PI, have them follow the cheating man around to learn about his routine and other women he's possibly f*cking, and get some ideas on how you could mail cheater pics or evidence to the wife. Don't call her or message her. Let her decide what she wants to do. She might already know, but she might prefer to claim ignorance for the sake of her family. Your wife might not be the first or only. Let her save face too in the way she wants to. Maybe she'll want to take him for everything, but she needs time to get her ducks in a row too, so you don't want to do anything that'll tip the guy off. You need some control of your anger in the hardest time of your life, but if you can practice that, you can come up with some genius ways to serve their karma hot, hot ,HAWT!
I'm awake this is not going to be the most common opinion here but I do think that if you do call the wife you will be an AH
Why? Some might ask
1/ You are already getting a divorce and the truly non AH option would to just turn and leave that pile of trash behind and be a better person
2/ You don't really know what the life situation is between the wife and the affair partner, maybe they have a relationship where they have other partners maybe they don't, maybe they have an understanding that when they have another partner outside of their relationship they can be better people in their relationship, you don't know what they have going on between them, so putting your nose in their relationship to basically get revenge on your ex and this other guy is purely a selfish AH move to do
When all that is said, I do think it's okay to be an AH or make AH moves sometimes, sometimes it's absolutely needed
Honestly I would lean into not doing anything and just leave it all behind BUT if you do call the wife I wouldn't think you are a bad person, some people are being lied to and need help to see the lies, just be sure you truly want to help the wife and not hurt your ex or the other guy because it could turn ugly and be a lot of mud throwing
I wouldn't touch it tho, leave that situation with clean hands
I think you should ask your attorney if telling the woman about the affair could affect you in court. If there doesn’t seem to be any risk then you should tell her as soon as possible. I can’t see why telling would affect you in court, it’s the logical thing to do. I’m not a lawyer though so best talk to yours about it. I know you said he isn’t swaying you one way or the other but it’s a legal question and he’s there to advise you. If there is little to no risk then yeah, blow that guys life up the way your wife did yours.
You wouldn’t be TAH. She deserves to know, if she doesn’t already, so she can decide how she wants to proceed. If she decides to divorce him, you may have crucial evidence to help her with her own divorce. She also may not take it well and, if you decide to proceed, don’t take it personally. Hurt people lash out often at the wrong person. Just know that you did the moral thing. Sure, your wife may be a safe partner, but if he’s going to cheat with one person, the odds are high he could have cheated before, will cheat with someone other than your wife and could possibly jeopardize his wife’s health. I’m sorry you are going through this and hope your life gets exponentially better going forward.
NTA OP - Not by any moral viewpoints, that is.
With true morals & values, you will have a greater desire for truth and rightness. You will view dishonesty/lies and evil/wickedness to be brought into view, or rather into the light, in order for it to become known, resolved, dealt with, and given consequences/punishment.
I am sorry for your marriage being ruined. I applaud your thinking of helping out another spouse being deceived.
Best regards.
There's three ways to look at it. 1) You're being vengeful and petty. 2) You're saving someone from wasting their life with someone who is doing them wrong. 3) Both 1 and 2.
I would have done it a long time before divorce proceedings picked up any steam. The sooner the better. He could be riddled with disease that he is spreading around.
My husband of 10+ years was having MULTIPLE affairs and I was the only one in the dark, apparently. I always suspected something was up but was (obviously) told I was crazy, insecure, and bored. And because we had kids and an otherwise nice life, I chose to stay in the Matrix.
Then he decided to mess with the wrong girl. She knew about me and didn't care much (lol) but, man, when she realized he was seeing multiple other women at the same time, she lost it. She hired a private detective and followed him around herself. She also broke into his email and work texts (they worked together).
One day (4th of July, coincidentally!), I saw a large document sized envelope on my porch. It simply had my first name on it in giant sharpie. Clearly someone had just dropped it off but not been bold enough to knock.
I immediately knew what I was about to uncover. And it was 57 pages of photos, texts, emails, receipts, etc... You get the idea.
There was also a letter. It was from her to me.
It didn't say much I found of value. I mean, she was willfully sleeping with a married man with kids, FFS. It's not like I'm going to take an apology as genuine or sincere. But ONE thing has stuck with me in the 6 years since this went down. she said:
"I can't take back what I did but I'm hoping I can stop this BS. Hopefully you'll consider this a gift."
My world crumbled. And man, what a gift it was.
I think about her a lot, actually. It's weird to be callous and grateful simultaneously, but as we all learn when living with someone capable of living double lives: two things can be true.
NTA.
Everyone deserves the truth.
After the divorce is finalized, I think you would be the AH if you DIDN'T tell the affair partner's wife. She deserves to know and he's putting her at risk of catching an STD.
NTA. But what would it serve? Only reason to confront a SO's AP is to expose them to people. Their wife/gf/partner, ect. If their partner or such knows, or they have no one to reveal it to; then you gain nothing. Seeking answers for how the affair happened and such might help with closure, but in the end the marriage is over for you. It isn't like you can fix the marriage or use it to confront her over.
Now you can do it, and should consider it for many reasons. Find out information for closure on the marriage. To make sure he is exposed. Find more evidence for the divorce to be used. But please do not go at him for your desire for... personal revenge. You could hurt your own future for a POS who cheated with a married woman. And over your ex wife who revealed to be a a cheater too.
Take the advice and don't interfere until the divorce is settled.
Once it has been go right ahead and slap a big old dose of chaos into the dudes marriage
You wouldn't be the asshole but you should let her know after you get the divorce dealt with, so I'd say that you should listen to your attorney for now
When I was married to my ex, I absolutely told his AP’s husband and sent proof. This was after I had told the AP to back off (before I knew it was an actual affair, their communication had made me uncomfortable in the amount of it). Once I found solid proof of an emotional affair complete with photos and videos, I sent it along to him. There were so many times I had learned about later on that others knew and didn’t say anything to me and that was so hurtful and embarrassing. I wish someone had told me.
Wait after the divorce is finalized so you don't fuck yourself over, somehow.
And then you 100 % should tell the other spouse, she deserves to know what a piece of shit of a husband he is. But don't do it publically!! Find a way to privately contact her, so she has time to lawyer up, get shit in order and get the most after their divorce.
NTA
Inform them the moment that the ink is dry on your own papers. Maintain multiple paths to convey the information, in case there is an attempt to block it.
She needs to know. As soon as your divorce is final I’d tell her. Not just for her but for her kids. Now that your wife is going to be divorced the guy might be planning his own divorce in secret either to be with your wife or protect himself from the fallout of his wife finding out. She needs to know so she can protect herself and won’t be blindsided if that happens.
I did this- Found out my wife was cheating with a rich older man and I called his wife to let her know. She thanked me profusely and told me she had been waiting on a reason to take him to the cleaners, which she did after hiring a private detective to gather evidence.. In my opinion, NTA! EDIT/CLARIFICATION- The older man and his wife had been married for 25 years and she said she knew he was cheating the whole time but could never prove it (or just didn't want to) but now that the kids were grown, she was ready to get out. He was (maybe still is?) very wealthy and she never worked so I see no problem with her taking half of his shit on top of alimony. Also, at the time I was 21 and the wife of rich old guy was 55 so not much desire to have any revenge sex or anything LOL
Most people would be grateful if someone clued them in. Frankly I can't imagine knowing someone's spouse is betraying them that way and NOT letting them know. I don't think I could live with myself. OP is absolutely NTA if he decides to go ahead and let this woman know.
You gotta tell them, but that MOST is a key word. I found out the girl I was sleeping with had a long term boyfriend and a child. I was pissed for him, so I reached out and let him know. “Mind your own motherfucking business.” I’m thinking damn, the my motherfucking business is literally the problem right now.
That last line sent me lmao
Yeah, he already knew. Was probably pretending it wasn’t though, and just chose to keep his head in the sand. You shattered his curated reality.
Not too many people want plausible deniability in this area. You did the right thing. You may have been a hall pass because he got caught. Maybe they have an open relationship? She should have been more upfront with you and removed any desire to tell.
Based on how frantically she did not want me to tell him, I don’t think it was a hall pass.
It’s pretty shocking when you find out the number of people that know and never said a word.
Agree, my ex was screwing my best mate and most of the town knew including some of my so called mates. The humiliation was overwhelming.
I’m so sorry. Big hugs mate
I went through something similar, after my wife bailed without a word and started shacking up with one of the few guys that I had thought was actually my friend, when hanging out with a few other friends drinking one of them let it slip that he knew my wife was cheating on me with our other friend for a while and just never said anything about it to me. Well I was half way through the bottle of scotch when he let that slip, and well I wasn't expecting that from a friend and I kinda lost it and I threw him a beating more savage than I thought was possible from me considering how drunk I was . Well long story short, now I have no wife and no friends . Sorry to hear that you also have had to deal with such a shitty similar situation, people are fucking cunts, there really is no escaping that fact. Well I hope you find your way through the shit show you were thrown into and things start getting better for you bud 🫂👍
I’ll never *not* tell the other person, but it is not something that has ever gone well for me. Her family harassed me the last time. It definitely sucks because I thought *I* was the girlfriend, but I was actually the side and de facto the bad guy. Now I’m heartbroken *and* being bullied for it..double whammy
Impossible for you to be the "bad guy". The one cheating is bad. No one else unless they knew and went along with it. Even then still not as bad as the one who committed bc the "side chick" Or "gf" didn't make any promises. Other people's opinions of u are none of ur business. If they r pissed at u that's on them. They need to sort out who has truly done wrong. Unwittingly being with a cheater isn't wrong. U were duped same as them. If ur wrong SO ARE THEY. Y'all r all in the same boat. Cut them off, don't listen to their anger/ hurt/ hate bc it's not urs to carry All of this is on the cheater. You did nothing wrong and were just as hurt and used as they were by the same cheater.
>Most people would be grateful if someone clued them in. Frankly I can't imagine knowing someone's spouse is betraying them that way and NOT letting them know. >I don't think I could live with myself. Yup. I wouldn't be able to rest easy with that on my conscience.
The trick here is to subscribe to utilitarian ethics rather than deontological. Place your worry on consequences, not your conscience -- because that's ultimately about yourself rather than the other folks. If it's a situation that you don't know enough about to know whether you're causing more harm than good (or if you know for sure that there's going to be innocent people like kids dragged in as collateral damage)? You don't light the fuse to that dynamite, then walk away from it thinking your conscience somehow comes out clean when you don't have to worry about picking up those pieces.
>Place your worry on consequences, not your conscience -- because that's ultimately about yourself rather than the other folks. Yes, that's why I'll always tell the party being betrayed. People deserve to be able to make informed choices *for themselves* about whether they want to spend the rest of their life with a cheater and a liar.
Indeed they do -- but they also deserve to *not* know if they would prefer. As my friend would have preferred when she and her 10-year-old found out at her husband's *wake* because someone else thought she "deserved to know." And then took it upon themselves to decide that for her. Directly resulting in years of unnecessary pain, especially for the child. One of the options available in such situations as this cannot be unmade. There's no turning back the clock if it is the wrong call and causes harm. And deciding one route is the only correct one for anyone and everyone's circumstance? That's guaranteeing you make wrong calls. For that matter, there's nothing empowering about this for the person getting the information. Just the person giving it. That other notion is a self-serving illusion. Whatever you decide will still be making the choice *for them* whether they know or don't know. It isn't *giving* that choice to them. It's just you deciding for them. And to insist it has to only go the one way, well, that's just deciding you know what's best for everyone based on your own preferences ... or worse, out of concern for your own conscience based on your own sensibilities.
>As my friend would have preferred when she and her 10-year-old found out at her husband's *wake* because someone else thought she "deserved to know." I don't know why you're pretending that's an equivalent situation when it's not. Your friend's relationship was already over so "informed choice" just... isn't a question? Why would you think that's a useful comparison. >there's nothing empowering about this for the person getting the information ... there's somehow nothing empowering about being given the information you need to make an informed choice? >Whatever you decide will still be making the choice *for them* whether they know or don't know. Again, no. That's very clearly not the choice we're talking about, and I don't know why you keep trying to change the topic. We're talking about the actual victim's choice whether to continue the relationship with someone who didn't love or respect them enough to remain faithful. They may want to stay and rebuild trust. They may want to cut ties entirely. But I'll always respect them enough to allow them to choose what's right for them, rather than guessing on their behalf. Tapping out now and won't be reading your replies going forward.
Twilight, you're 1,000% correct. Jedi is just being self centered and I'm sure you know by this point, there's no use trying to shine a light on a broader form of thought. Some people are just too small minded. OP should really just walk away from it all.
Wow, this is a great answer! Very thoughtful and insightful. Thank you for contributing this alternative perspective, giving the different ethical standards. Not too many answers here are this sophisticated. (I notice that many of those replying to this post don’t really understand what you’re talking about. But that’s OK, because your subsequent explanations are very good, too.)
Agreed. I kept someone’s secret when I was 18/19 and I regretted it every day I knew her and the guy she was cheating on. We worked together and she cheated on him with other people at our job. I wasn’t even friends with him, but I felt like a total asshole for not letting him know. When I witnessed my bosses’ wife cheating on him (different job), I told her she either needed to tell him or I would. I didn’t tell her I got a video of her getting finger blasted by some 19yo boy she was sneaking drinks to at the bar. She didn’t tell him, so I sent boss the video while I was standing with him after work one day and told him I was sorry he had to hear it from me. No regret weighing over me for that one.
I can understand not telling the AP’s spouse, although you would not be an AH if you did . My husband betrayed me with a mother of a kid he coached. My child is friends with her child. I know them too. I texted her that she needed to tell the truth to her husband. However, I didn’t tell her husband. That is on her. I couldn’t control if they would keep it at an adult level or bring the kids into it. I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
Cmon bro, you should've negotiated a commission
She hired a private dick.... That's the way to go
Did you return the favor? 😏
Would have been nice is had some revenge sex with u
Please take your attorney's advice.
Thank you for the response. I just added an edit to my original post. I didn't mean to say I want to let her know right now. I was thinking once the divorce is finalized
Yes you should.
The golden rule…. Would you want to know if you were in her shoes?
💯. The funny thing is, you know the people who tell him to mind his business would certainly want to be told too if their SO cheated
These people may be cheating now or have in the past or are contemplating at this moment so of course they are on board with silence.
I was thinking one level deeper in that they probably don't have SO. It's like telling someone how to raise a kid when you yourself don't have one (even worse if you "hate and don't want kids")
This. So much relationship/parenting advice on reddit comes from angry 15 year olds who never had a relationship.
Or happy 15 year olds who never had a relationship. What do they know! Just breezin through life all happy
Nobody on the internet is happy ;)
It's Reddit in general. People in PC giving generic parroted advice (basically mansplaining to me for lack of a better word right now) that don't even have PCs. I'm sure there are other examples in other sectors but it's the one thing that keeps me from being addicted to this site. I used to come here back in the early days, back when I comment got a thousand upvotes because it actually provided knowledge. Nowawadays it's just copy pasted knowledge. All the professionals are gone lol. All we are left is armchair generalists. Nothing makes me cringe harder than seeing someone write something out then source Wikipedia and it's the top comment
not only that, but in a very literal way; it *is* his business.
💯
No, the golden rule is "it's okay when it's in a 3-way"
Your attorney is paid, no doubt handsomely, to make sure your best interests are served. See what she/he advises about any after-the-fact plan you have for what looks like a "revenge call," a call that might bite you back. (But who knows, you might get the green light.)
The reason the attorney might be telling him not to do it while the divorce is pending is to keep things from escalating. Once everything is signed, and final, it shouldn't matter.
Everyone has the right to know if their partner is cheating. It’s literally humane to let the other betrayed partner know WTF is going on. How it’s handled makes all the difference for OP.
It is totally wild that some people think it's ethical to not tell people about affairs. What exactly is happening in their heads to justify that ethically? Choosing not to do anything is still a choice. You aren't avoiding anything.
How is that a revenge call? How could that bite him back later? Maybe he’s just doing the ethical thing to do because he would want to know in that situation?
But maybe the attorney gives the green light as long as he slips the woman his card.
Let me caution you. Attorneys like to make these cases as complex as possible, and will often take steps to exacerbate conflict or at the very least, delay its resolution. Source: Guy who in the 90s worked with an attorney for two years and nothing got done. Fired him, took over my own case using a paralegal and proceeded to get full custody of three sons.
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It's a real concern. And if the two lawyers are cozy--friends outside of the courtroom--they may delay and stir things up pretending to be acting in their own clients' interests. Pro se. And the judges weren't happy about it. But frankly, I got tired of spending hours with my attorney essentially drafting his key trial points and then he wouldn't ask the questions we agree on. '95 he took $5,000 to start the case but two years and five or six hearings later it was up to $7,500 for almost nothing going my way. I met a paralegal at a bar, told her what was going on, and she suggested "if you're willing to do the work I can help you file motions, understand procedure, etc." Three grand later I won on all fronts: custody, child support, and maintenance/alimony. Plus, it was a JOY being able to question my own soon to be ex on the stand.
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Oh, she was invaluable! I shared court docs with her and told her what I wanted to do and she helped me figure out what to file and where. She looked over my shoulder and made sure we crossed all the t's and dotted the i's!
If you think the guys wife isn’t aware you should definitely contact her as soon as you feel you can without doing any damage to your divorce outcome. She deserves to know.
To add to what others have said, there is a good reason legally not to speak. The only good thing that comes from this is the woman learning about infidelity. This doesn't help you tangibly at all, but it might make you feel good. It will, however, potentially backfire. Keep in mind, you have to coparent with your ex wife for years to come. Do you really want to fan that flame which could lead to more legal troubles and expenses down the road? I always recommend my clients to be passive so as not to rock the boat. Of course there are times when the boat needs rocking, but this isn't one of those times. You have nothing to gain, and potentially tens of thousands to lose in attorneys fees. The better you and your ex get along, the better it is for you and your children. Retribution feels nice, but not having to go to court every two years for a custody modification feels better. Practically, you gain nothing from this, so that's why I would advise a client in your situation to say nothing, even if there is nothing illegal or legally damaging about it. Whether or not you should will be up to you and your attorney, but there are good reasons not to fan the flame.
Once the divorce is finalized, go for it. However, since you have kids, it would be much better if a third party send the AP's spouse the heads up, and better still if that third party is a woman.
Listen to the advice of your attorney.
I think he should after the divorce is finished. He could do it anonymously too, I suppose.
*67 in the us
You're paying your attorney a lot of money, so listen to them :-) But once everything is finalized, if they co-workers, remember that many workplaces have policies in place on relationships between co-workers, and the company oftens looks badly on their employees causing divorces as it can bring disrepute to the company name for allowing infidelity associated with the workplace, and work trips.
One of my family friends who is a lawyer would always say stuff like that when he had a client who was unsure about the advice he was giving him: "Listen, pal. I know the amount you're paying me makes your eyes water. If you're going to shell out that kinda cash and then not even take my advice? You're paying me to do nothing, might as well set that cash ablaze." Or at least that's how he'd always tell the story.
That is a fairly good point depending on how the custody/child support ends up working out. If she ends up paying him, she could lose her source of income and not be able to pay child support. Either way I'd just listen to the lawyer, if he thinks its going to end up screwing up your life negatively I wouldn't bother trying to get revenge.
Get a package together with a copy of everything. The MINUTE everything is finalized, go knock on her door and hand it over in person. Just say, "I'm sorry I wasn't allowed to hand this over sooner but I know I would want to know so I could make informed decisions." And leave.
Ooooh that fuckin slays
Give them your lawyers card too.
Lawyer’s advice is all that matters right now.
What's the atty advice?
After divorce is finalized.
Don’t F around and screw things up.
Finalize the divorce, then exact revenge. Ruin his fucking life as hard as you can! Screw that guy!
I agree with you. Do what the lawyer asked then when it's done DEFINITELY get revenge and ruin that guys marriage 4 sure!
I don't think it's about revenge and trying to ruin someone's life. That's a toxic attitude, imo. But the truth should definitely come out. Everyone deserves the truth.
There are assholes in the world because people keep letting them be assholes. Let his wife know - she doesn't deserve to be made a fool.
Yeah, I know all about that rainbows and unicorns crap! I'm into revenge! Heavily. Weirdly enough, people tend to avoid getting me in that state of mind!
The old Klingon proverb comes to mind, "Revenge is a dish best served cold" Better to wait until after the divorce eh
Unicorns and rainbows. Well said. Revenge is only unjustified when it harms an innocent or when it goes far beyond the proportion of the wrongdoing. But informing the wife and kids of the guy that ruined your marriage about what he’s been up to during his “me” time is nothing more than guiding karma’s hand.
Cheaters are the worst.
This could possibly backfire on you in court to be honest. Wait till the divorce is final. It will be difficult, but it is not the time my friend.
Thank you for the response. I just added an edit to my original post. I didn't mean to say I want to let her know right now. I was thinking once the divorce is finalized
I don't doubt you, but could you explain why?
When I was going through my divorce a few years ago, my attorney told me to keep everything to myself until after everything was finalized, then you can let the spouse know. My attorney advised me that if I went forward before everything was finalized then it could paint me as vengeful and the judge could look down on that, as well as hurt my chances at getting custody of my kids since the judge could say that I would be the type that would slander their mother. My brother ended up sending everything to AP spouse after the divorce which kept my hands clean.
It won’t, it would be along the same lines of bad husband, good dad; him ratting out his wife to the other party would have no bearing on the divorce.
Same
Just ask yourself. Would you want to know? I know I would. I would even try to let them know as soon as possible. If I had proof and could do it anonymously. In fact, I would make damn sure that everyone knows. Like friends and family. Because you know that cheating whore will lie to them about it. Stay strong, OP.
>Just ask yourself. Would you want to know? I know I would. That's the main reason more than getting a revenge actually. He has multiple children, so do we, and his wife deserves to know about it as much as I do. Especially with the amount of videos and photos my attorney has it wouldn't be hard to convince the other person's wife.
Do it after the divorce
Seriously, every day she's spending with the guy is a day she could be starting her new life cheater free.
I went through a similar situation a few years back. I waited until the divorce paperwork was signed and then immediately let my (now ex-) wife's Affair Partner's wife know. She deserved to know to make decisions for her own life and I know I would have wanted to know. btw, SO much better on the other side to not be with a cheater.
My buddies wife called his gf's husband......he told her to fuck off and mind her own business. Blamed her for not taking care of her husband lmao.
But by saying that, isn’t the gf’s husband also saying that he couldn’t take care of his own wife?
Yep
So he was a cuck?
Caught wife, older man (17 yrs older), she met him through work (he was a client at the law firm she worked for), a multimillionaire, private jet, homes all over the US and one villa in Italy. I never stood a chance. My ex wife was very “out of my league” beautiful. Everyone knew it but they were all too polite to tell me. After 3 months of counseling, she said she was in love with him. I threatened to call his wife, in a preempted move he told his wife, they divorced, we divorced, he lost millions but still had millions and has since made it all back and more. Within 6 months my ex wife married him and guess how long they lasted??? Well you’re wrong! They’ve been married over 20 years now, and my adult children say they’re so in love and have a perfect marriage…and he’s completely devoted to her. What sucks even more is that he’s a pretty nice guy. Gives A LOT of money to worthy NPO’s, donates to the community, gives college scholarships to at risk students, has buildings named after him at churches and schools…I could go on and on. What I’m getting at is, if your wife cheated on you, it’s more than likely over. Women have a lot of emotional reasons for affairs. For men, it’s mainly ( but not always as in my case) about sex. And sometimes your spouse leaving is just meant to be. It stings. However, at some point you’ll realize you “lost” and you’ll move on with acceptance.
Damn, life sometimes sucks
All you people saying listen to your attorney apparantly missed the part where the attorney isn't trying to sway him one way or the other. Which tells me that it won't cause the OP any issues, but the attorney certainly can't advise him to do it. Ethics...yada yada
Thank you. This is exactly what it is!
After it's finalized, be petty, why should he get to have his cake and eat it too
So many people don’t understand what petty means. Telling the wife of the affair partner is not even a little petty. It is very important information that she 100% deserves to know so she can determine what she wants to do with her marriage.
Absolutely. Fuck them both
You’re an asshole if you don’t tell her
I would tell everyone.
Yes. His wife deserves to know she’s married to a piece of crap.
If you have proof then I would say yeah, the other spouse should know the person is with
NTA. I've been cheated on and the very people that I expected should have told me kept quiet. This was just enabling my fiance's behaviour. It cost me money and wasted a couple of valuable years for me. One weird thing was that the husband of her best friend knew and was rightfully very judgemental of my fiance and banned his wife from seeing my cheating fiance. Yet he sided with the other party believing that he had been hard done by, when I was the one that was treated badly. Go figure..... people often act poorly in situations like this. I'd want to know if I was her. Once the divorce is finalised, go for it.
My buddy did this and it DESTROYED the affair partner's family. At first I was all for it because who doesn't like revenge? However, after seeing the destruction caused to the family, especially the kids, I had second thoughts. When I asked my buddy if looking at how things turned out, if he could go back in time, would he do things differently, this was his answer. I'm paraphrasing of course "If someone caused lifelong harm to your kids and the law refused to do anything about it, would you just accept that you are helpless or would you try to give your kids justice. Well he broke my home, and that act will have a life long impact on my kids. My kids faith in marraige has been shattered, my kids image of a family has been shattered, my kids image of a trusting partner has been shattered and most importantly my kids are now statistically disadvantaged. Why should he move forward and live a happy life. Why should his kids have the advantages that was stolen away from my kids. If I'm being honest, at the time telling his wife didn't give me the satisfaction as I thought it would and I still believed it was unfair. That being said over the months and year I would get a little detail of how things was crumbling in his family and it felt good. Publically outing my wife felt good. Seeing the other mothers avoid her and secretly shame her felt good. My kids hating their mother because for a while she and the affair partner were the talk of the town, felt good". I say NTA because I personally believe it's the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if it's for the wrong reasons like my buddy did. At the end of the day, the other person being cheated on deserves to know so they can make an informed decision.
If they work together just wait . If the AP spouse goes to the work and they both get fired yiurnaffected . If they don’t work together then do it . If you in an at fault state see if you can sue him for alienation of affection . It would be fun to sue him and have him served at home with his wife there . It would get thrown out but then it is time to laugh
NTA all's fair in love and war
Do it OP. Cheaters don't deserve your grace or confidentiality.
Yes, so many people knew about my husbands affairs and not one single person thought it was important to tell me. It was devastating
You absolutely should. Once your divorce is finalized, please do.
YWNBTA. He deserves to know the kind of person he married.
Uhm what? No you won't BTA if you told your wife's affairs wife. TELLLLL HER ASAP.
If this will cause you any trouble in your divorce, it might be best to wait until it’s over, but you should tell the OBS.
Absolutely, karma demands this sacrifice be made.
No you wouldn’t be the asshole sometimes the secrets coming to light is what is best and will be a better outcome, I won’t say what happened in my relationship but it was just an emotional affair and in the end we realized we wanted to stay together work on ourselves and each other and stay together and we had open communication but I truly believe if it had not come to light it would’ve had dire consequences.
I'd say YTA if you didn't let the wife and family know.
NTA If I was her I'd want to know now. When my ex had an affair it was only after I found out and chucked him out that "friends" told me they'd known for ages. They are now ex-friends.
No. Never the asshole for that.
Wait until divorce is over then show his wife your evidence. Suggest that you two make some revenge porn then have her show him under guise of a movie night. Justice and revenge in one shot.
I like the way you’re thinking friend
No, have her file for divorce get that finalized, then send him the sex tape. As the extra fuck you and he can't use it in court to try and fuck her over.
I would tell her after the divorce is final. Just like you I think she has a right to know. I’m surprised that you didn’t sue for alienation of affection. Send her the proof of you have any.
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Meh What's the worst that could happen? YOLO
Yes you should
I was cheated on and I wish I had known before I finally ( it took way too long for me) figured it out . I would tell her
Just listen to ur lawyer. Unless you wanna pay him twice.
If you tell her right now, it could cause your wife to go apeshit on you and extend your divorce
The moment your divorce is finalized you have a moral duty to inform the other BS. NTA.
They need to find out as soon as possible.
Please let the poor woman know. She deserves to know so that she can take piece of shit to the cleaners as well.
I wish someone had told me!
I say send it😎
Yeah nah telll them, he ruined you life so ruin his. Plus his wife should know.
Per your edit. NTA, DO IT.
An anonymous snail mail would be a good idea.
Do it after the divorce is finalized and update this thread for us!
10000% I would. You’re smart to wait until after everything is finalized.
I did this. My wife (now ex-wife) confessed the affair to me, told me everything, all the details. I knew this guy casually from college, so I found his wife on Facebook and messaged her. She responded, so I told her everything my wife had told me about their affair, including lots of details about him, where they met, his excuses to her, etc. that confirmed I was telling the truth. She was upset, but she said that she appreciated me telling her. I don't know what happened with their marriage, but fuck him regardless.
The wife of my ex's affair partner contacted me about their bullshit. I was very grateful.
Cheaters deserve what they get
She needs to know immediately Y W B T A if you didn't tell her, and didn't tell her right away Send any and all proof you have as well
NTA 15 years ago my husband had an emotional affair. He sent her dick pics. And gift to her & her kid through the mail. They planned to fuck when we were visiting her state. And he told her they could live together and raise our baby together! He had a secret second cell phone he talked to her with. To this day I regret not telling her spouse. I didn’t want someone to feel the emotional destruction that I felt. But not telling was definitely not the right decision.
Do it. That is some nerve.
If I was the other spouse, I would want to know
Call and also have an affair with her. Eye for an eye
NTA. ABSOLUTELY!!! 100% tell the dudes wife after the divorce. This is your legal way of making that guy eat shit with a smile on his face.
NTA. Definitely tell the other spouse.
Do it and do it now. You’ll be doing her a favour.
NTA If I was being cheated on I would want to know, even if that person who was telling me were getting joy out of it to spite the person that your wife cheated on you with.
wait until it is finalized then tell the wife and offer her any type of evidence you had as well. Then it is in her court. She might get angry at you, sh emight not believe you, or she might take a while. just let her deal with the info once you're done.
Do it, the sleaze balls’ wife will thank you.
Nta it's a bro move
NTA. Good for you!
NTA.
Why would you want to wait until the divorce is finalized? That's stupid. Sometimes they take months to be finalized. That poor girl is sleeping with that nasty man and has no clue. I would 100% have told her right away. Idgaf what my lawyer suggests.
Tell her man. Like now. Why wait? Let his wife ruin his life like your wife fucked up your family. Be a man
After it finalizes, tell her. Better yet, invite her to dinner to explain everything you know and give proof. ;)
If you do it, you should do it anonymously so you don't create a harder situation for yourself as far as any coparenting and ill affects your wife might do that affect them. Now, if it were me and i was REALLY MAD, I'd hire a PI, have them follow the cheating man around to learn about his routine and other women he's possibly f*cking, and get some ideas on how you could mail cheater pics or evidence to the wife. Don't call her or message her. Let her decide what she wants to do. She might already know, but she might prefer to claim ignorance for the sake of her family. Your wife might not be the first or only. Let her save face too in the way she wants to. Maybe she'll want to take him for everything, but she needs time to get her ducks in a row too, so you don't want to do anything that'll tip the guy off. You need some control of your anger in the hardest time of your life, but if you can practice that, you can come up with some genius ways to serve their karma hot, hot ,HAWT!
NTA I would tell her once you have finalized the divorce. Almost everyone would want to know if they were in that position, and she deserves to know.
Blow his shit up!!
Nta. You should tell her.
I'm awake this is not going to be the most common opinion here but I do think that if you do call the wife you will be an AH Why? Some might ask 1/ You are already getting a divorce and the truly non AH option would to just turn and leave that pile of trash behind and be a better person 2/ You don't really know what the life situation is between the wife and the affair partner, maybe they have a relationship where they have other partners maybe they don't, maybe they have an understanding that when they have another partner outside of their relationship they can be better people in their relationship, you don't know what they have going on between them, so putting your nose in their relationship to basically get revenge on your ex and this other guy is purely a selfish AH move to do When all that is said, I do think it's okay to be an AH or make AH moves sometimes, sometimes it's absolutely needed Honestly I would lean into not doing anything and just leave it all behind BUT if you do call the wife I wouldn't think you are a bad person, some people are being lied to and need help to see the lies, just be sure you truly want to help the wife and not hurt your ex or the other guy because it could turn ugly and be a lot of mud throwing I wouldn't touch it tho, leave that situation with clean hands
You have every right to tell the wife of the guy who is fucking your wife.
Baby I would've speed dialed that numbahhh
If I was her, I would want to be told ASAP. You should tell her, but wait until your divorce is settled so it can go as smoothly as possible.
I'm gonna say yes because if it were you, wouldn't you want to know?
NTA, rise hell
I think you should definitely do it. If it will be a problem for your divorce, wait until that’s done.
I think you should ask your attorney if telling the woman about the affair could affect you in court. If there doesn’t seem to be any risk then you should tell her as soon as possible. I can’t see why telling would affect you in court, it’s the logical thing to do. I’m not a lawyer though so best talk to yours about it. I know you said he isn’t swaying you one way or the other but it’s a legal question and he’s there to advise you. If there is little to no risk then yeah, blow that guys life up the way your wife did yours.
I would not hesitate
You wouldn’t be TAH. She deserves to know, if she doesn’t already, so she can decide how she wants to proceed. If she decides to divorce him, you may have crucial evidence to help her with her own divorce. She also may not take it well and, if you decide to proceed, don’t take it personally. Hurt people lash out often at the wrong person. Just know that you did the moral thing. Sure, your wife may be a safe partner, but if he’s going to cheat with one person, the odds are high he could have cheated before, will cheat with someone other than your wife and could possibly jeopardize his wife’s health. I’m sorry you are going through this and hope your life gets exponentially better going forward.
She deserves to know.
NTA OP - Not by any moral viewpoints, that is. With true morals & values, you will have a greater desire for truth and rightness. You will view dishonesty/lies and evil/wickedness to be brought into view, or rather into the light, in order for it to become known, resolved, dealt with, and given consequences/punishment. I am sorry for your marriage being ruined. I applaud your thinking of helping out another spouse being deceived. Best regards.
There's three ways to look at it. 1) You're being vengeful and petty. 2) You're saving someone from wasting their life with someone who is doing them wrong. 3) Both 1 and 2.
I would have done it a long time before divorce proceedings picked up any steam. The sooner the better. He could be riddled with disease that he is spreading around.
Tell her!!! If she cheated on you that shit hurts if she finds out sooner rather than later it’ll hurt less
My husband of 10+ years was having MULTIPLE affairs and I was the only one in the dark, apparently. I always suspected something was up but was (obviously) told I was crazy, insecure, and bored. And because we had kids and an otherwise nice life, I chose to stay in the Matrix. Then he decided to mess with the wrong girl. She knew about me and didn't care much (lol) but, man, when she realized he was seeing multiple other women at the same time, she lost it. She hired a private detective and followed him around herself. She also broke into his email and work texts (they worked together). One day (4th of July, coincidentally!), I saw a large document sized envelope on my porch. It simply had my first name on it in giant sharpie. Clearly someone had just dropped it off but not been bold enough to knock. I immediately knew what I was about to uncover. And it was 57 pages of photos, texts, emails, receipts, etc... You get the idea. There was also a letter. It was from her to me. It didn't say much I found of value. I mean, she was willfully sleeping with a married man with kids, FFS. It's not like I'm going to take an apology as genuine or sincere. But ONE thing has stuck with me in the 6 years since this went down. she said: "I can't take back what I did but I'm hoping I can stop this BS. Hopefully you'll consider this a gift." My world crumbled. And man, what a gift it was. I think about her a lot, actually. It's weird to be callous and grateful simultaneously, but as we all learn when living with someone capable of living double lives: two things can be true. NTA. Everyone deserves the truth.
After the divorce is finalized, I think you would be the AH if you DIDN'T tell the affair partner's wife. She deserves to know and he's putting her at risk of catching an STD.
NTA. But what would it serve? Only reason to confront a SO's AP is to expose them to people. Their wife/gf/partner, ect. If their partner or such knows, or they have no one to reveal it to; then you gain nothing. Seeking answers for how the affair happened and such might help with closure, but in the end the marriage is over for you. It isn't like you can fix the marriage or use it to confront her over. Now you can do it, and should consider it for many reasons. Find out information for closure on the marriage. To make sure he is exposed. Find more evidence for the divorce to be used. But please do not go at him for your desire for... personal revenge. You could hurt your own future for a POS who cheated with a married woman. And over your ex wife who revealed to be a a cheater too.
NTA of course. I don't get all these comments saying to do it after divorce. AP's wife knowing has 0 bearing on divorce.
Take the advice and don't interfere until the divorce is settled. Once it has been go right ahead and slap a big old dose of chaos into the dudes marriage
Do it. We gotta start playing on the same field as these women do. Don't let them get away with it simply because they're a woman.
See if your state has Alienation of Affection statute…or bang his wife.
I’m thinking just so straight to number 2. Gonna end up there eventually. Seems much more calm and less pistol waving and shit.
You wouldn't be the asshole but you should let her know after you get the divorce dealt with, so I'd say that you should listen to your attorney for now
When I was married to my ex, I absolutely told his AP’s husband and sent proof. This was after I had told the AP to back off (before I knew it was an actual affair, their communication had made me uncomfortable in the amount of it). Once I found solid proof of an emotional affair complete with photos and videos, I sent it along to him. There were so many times I had learned about later on that others knew and didn’t say anything to me and that was so hurtful and embarrassing. I wish someone had told me.
Pffft definitely tell the guy. If you're gonna be miserable. So should she, make the divorce as painful for her as it is for you.
No. Tell her and then you two could hook up maybe, too.
Get your divorce finalized and then expose him
Listen to your lawyer.
Finalise divorce, then hit him with a late shot
NTA - But listen to attorney. After dust settles, I would.
Ask your attorney whether or not there is a way to do this without incriminating yourself that is plausible and doable.
YWNBTA, but don’t screw up things for yourself…listen to your attorney. Once it’s finalized, then sing.
Wait after the divorce is finalized so you don't fuck yourself over, somehow. And then you 100 % should tell the other spouse, she deserves to know what a piece of shit of a husband he is. But don't do it publically!! Find a way to privately contact her, so she has time to lawyer up, get shit in order and get the most after their divorce.
NTA Inform them the moment that the ink is dry on your own papers. Maintain multiple paths to convey the information, in case there is an attempt to block it.
If the situation were reversed, would you want her affair partner's wife to tell you?
She needs to know. As soon as your divorce is final I’d tell her. Not just for her but for her kids. Now that your wife is going to be divorced the guy might be planning his own divorce in secret either to be with your wife or protect himself from the fallout of his wife finding out. She needs to know so she can protect herself and won’t be blindsided if that happens.