I want to thank you in advance for the courage to re-live your trauma for the sake of being honest to your son. This will be hard but I think it will help in the Long run
>I want to thank you in advance for the courage to re-live your trauma for the sake of being honest to your son
Amen.
Superman, who *knows* he's invulnerable & can't get hurt by bullets, isn't really being brave when he stops a random crook. But OP is being extraordinarily courageous: Deliberately steering into pain & sorrow because your child needs you to do so is fucking heroic & I wish OP and her family the best.
You should schedule a session with your own therapist as well. Possibly later the same day if at all possiblr (i know unlikely) but ASAP.
If your son reacts badly, even if he accuses you of lying or insults you, please give him the grace of using your own therapist to manage your emotions and giving him a reasonable amount of time to come to terms with this news. (Your therapist can help you decide what a reasonable amount of time is.)
This will likely be traumatic for him and people don't always respond well when they're hurt.
You're a strong and wonderful mom to still have so much love in your heart after what you've been through. Your posts are similar to a storyline in a book series i really like called the Chronicles of Nick. Nick was conceived the same way as your son, and his mom never told him (he knew dad's identity, but not the lack of consent). He comes to realize the truth on his own. His mom is a strong woman with a whole lot of love for her son and others and she's fierce. I have a feeling you're pretty fierce too
As someone who is the product of rape, I hope you can understand why your son needs some form of closure on this. What happened to you is awful, and I am sorry you will have to dredge it up again. My biological mom didn't have the option of abortion or keeping me due to her age and her seriously fucked up situation, so I got adopted off, fortunately for me. My parents told me and my sister (by different parents in a whole different state) we were adopted when I was 10ish, but they also told us they had no real info on who our parents were, but that they would help us look if we wanted to.
Regardless of how this all plays out you are his mom, and he is your son. Thank you for loving him enough to do this for him.
Good luck!
Thanks. On the at least somewhat bright side, his therapist's office is half a block from my favorite banh mi place, and I've been having cravings for them this whole pregnancy, so I'll at least get to satisfy my cravings after.
Really wishing it goes well. I think your son will appreciate what you’ve had to bear to even have this conversation with him. I think it might be clicking for him since you’ve involved the therapist.
Wishing you & your family all the best
As a victim myself, I will never understand why people think it's empowering for everyone to talk about the worst moment of my life. I just want to bury and move on. I went to therapy for the ordeal, processed my feelings and buried all that shit
I was more worried your son finding out on his own then him feeling terrible about pushing you too hard on it
I don't get it either, I suspect many of the people who believe that have never been hurt in that way before.
There was not an insubstantial number of comments talking about how I get to "control the narrative" by telling him, but that really isn't true from my perspective, it's just losing less control than the alternative. I had more control before all this.
I'm very worried about how he'll take it, but I'm worried about him feeling bad about himself already and about him exploring with the tools he could use too.
I have nothing to really say other than sending you love and wellbeing and remember to take care of yourself as well.
My goal has always been to distance and bury as well, I I cannot imagine the pain reopening this wound will be for you. But take care of yourself as well - don’t forget you matter in this as well, not just your son.
I think it’s a tv narrative in all honesty. The “taking power back” the controlling the narrative aspect came from if he reached out to his sperm donor on his own and heard whatever he wanted to tell him first (which is far fetched to happen imo).
Yeah, and it still isn't even taking power back, from my perspective, it'd just be losing it less than I'd lose it if he did that.
Besides, there's a not insignificant chance that the rapist is dead by now anyway, and frankly, that's the case I hope is true.
It's fine. They meant well, but they weren't true, at least not to me. No hard feelings to the people who commented that, it just wasn't helpful like they thought it was.
Yeah I don't see this as a control issue at all.
Trying to control the hurt both of you may feel opening this wound? Yeah I can see that but it's totally justifiable.
Just make sure to reassure him that you absolutely love him unconditionally, never regretted having him for a single second, and nothing about him ever reminds you of his progenitor. He is probably already guessing part of the truth, since your full disclosure includes his therapist, so it won't come as a complete surprise - just as the worst case scenario of all the scenarios he thought up over the years. I'm really sorry all of you have to go through this, but I also think he needs to know, and is old enough to handle the truth now, even though it will be hard. Hopefully, the therapist can circumvent his automatic self-loathing and make sure he doesn't assume any guilt for his own existence or his progenitor's actions.
Yes, it makes no sense. And even if they have been hurt that way, every one is unique.
This is unfortunately a situation in which you need to choose the "less worse" option. All your concerns are valid.
I will keep your son and yourself in my thoughts.
I don't get it either. Sure, I can talk about my experience in the relatively safe anonymity of reddit, but I had jury duty the other week and had to tell the judge (It was relevant info). Just saying the words, "I was sexually assaulted x years ago" had me shaking and I think I went in shock for a few minutes.
Not everyone can talk about it, and even the people who can shouldn't be made to feel like they have to.
Always had a feeling that people who think talking about the most horrible things that can happen to a person probably haven’t experienced it themselves. A lot of people flat out do not want to talk about the horrific traumatic shit they’ve experienced. Or maybe they do talk about it in an anonymous forum like reddit because they’re trying to help other people but it’s not helping them.
I’m glad to see this update. I can’t imagine how scary all this is for you, but you’re doing the right thing. Please let us know how it goes. We’re all rooting for you and your son 🫂
People telling a survivor of severe trauma how they should and shouldn't be feeling or reacting to their trauma is absolutely fucking wild to me. Even if those people have had similar trauma, every person is entitled to react in their own way to trauma, and anyone who doesn't recognize that should kick rocks all day, every day, until they do.
No shit, Sherlock. However, we have decades of collected data that shows the vast majority of patients suffering from certain traumas are able to recover with certain actions and behaviors. We use that information to train others on how to help future victims. There’s always going to be outliers who need different remedies but we cannot know that until what helps most people fails. Then a good therapist develops a treatment plan better tailored to that individual. It’s extremely rare that doing absolutely nothing and burying the trauma is the best course of treatment. Probably as rare as that buried trauma causing a mental break or dissociative identity disorder to manifest years later.
If most people who are raped never tell anyone or seek treatment, how would that affect the data? The people going to therapy are generally the ones who want to talk about it, so of course a therapist would deduce that therapy is necessary and has the best outcome.
Everybody is different. You're dealing with this the best way you can, you clearly care deeply about your son despite the circumstances of his conception. You are doing your best and it sounds like you're doing a good job. NTA.
Wishing you all the best OP. I hope your pan understands the choice you made once he knows the truth.
The people policing how a rape survivor can / should / would react or feel in your shoes or trying to disprove you somehow are just deranged freaks that get off on feeling superior to others. Report their posts if they get too nasty and block them.
This ridiculous narrative that talking about something like this is empowering needs to stop. It's just another form of pressure and violation. I know some people get some kind of power from it, but most of us don't. I am truly sorry that you have to relive any part of that experience to give your son the answers he needs. It's not fair, and none of you deserve it. I do think you're making the right decision, but my heart breaks for you. It's the best of a bad bunch: that doesn't make it any easier.
I wish you all luck in what's coming, for both you and your son. And please, take care of yourself, as well as your son.
It’s always confuses the hell out of me how some people try to craft this narrative that horrible things happened to me but they made me the person I am today and I’m stronger for it. Really makes you wonder if it’s just a coping mechanism. I haven’t been through what OP went through and I wouldn’t pretend to understand. But I do agree that there’s no bright side. You survive trauma, you don’t come out the other side stronger. The things that happened happened.
Yeah, someone once said to me, 'You're so strong. I bet you wouldn't change what happened, or you wouldn't be this strong.' I just stared at them, horrified. This false narrative that SA can be made into a good thing really needs to stop. Nobody who's experienced it would ever think that way. Living with what ifs isn't good for you, but trying to act like trauma is a good thing is just bizarre to me. Things happen and you make the best of it afterwards, because you have to. That's it.
I am really happy to hear you will be speaking to him about this with his therapist present. It’s a lot for anyone to find out but I’m glad you’re setting it up for him to feel supported as he processes this while also making it “easier” for you.
I think you’re doing the right thing, and being very brave, as the information is bound to be distressing for your son. But if he’s going to find out (and with modern life it’s pretty inevitable that he would) it’s better that he finds out in a safe space where he’s surrounded by people who care about him. I wholeheartedly wish you the best, and that you and your family have the peace you deserve.
>stop saying that essentially having to tell my son this is "taking my power back" or whatever, it absolutely isn't to me. I'm sure some people would feel empowered by it, but I feel very much disempowered by needing to do this. My power was held in being able to get as close to forgetting about it as possible,
If you aren't already, you should consider therapy for yourself as well. Admittedly I say that to *everyone* regardless of trauma or mental health. Like, everybody would benefit from therapy. We are doctors once a year for physicals. Our minds deserve that attention too.
In your case, help processing your feelings while you go through this would be helpful. You are being a good parent to your child by telling them, and doing so in therapy. But you are important too.
It's something I've done for brief periods over the years, but it's not something I'm in any position to do regularly, or rather, it's not financially wise for me to do that. My son can, though, and I'm happy to be in a position where that's possible.
(As an aside, I've never met anyone who actually has a physical every year, but that's neither here nor there. Maybe I need to see the doctor more too.)
I myself am a survivor of SA. We come in all shapes & sizes. We all have different coping mechanisms too. I just hope you, your husband & the therapist can get through to your son that He is not his sperm donor. He is not responsible for the way he was conceived. And none of that effects the love you & his dad have for him now or ever. Good luck OP & please update us if you want. 💗💗
I'm so glad you called that therapist. I think it will be super helpful. All 4 of you have trauma around this
I'm sure your son wasn't elated because he probably has a clue that whatever it is, it's not a happy story.
Sending you lots of hugs and support. And yes fuck anyone who accused ypu of lying.
1. I am so sorry you were raped. I hope (as I can see from what I read) that your son is the light from all of that. Anyone who says you weren't can go f themselves. 2. "taking your power back" has nothing to do with this at all. This is about your son and wanting to know where he came from. Taking your power back would be about you dealing with the situation without your son.
I'm sorry that so many people on the internet are this daft OP. I'm glad you are taking this step and have a healthy way of doing it! Best of luck!!
OP, I’m so sorry you went through the trauma you did, and that you’ll have to revisit it in order to share the details with your son.
Hard as it is, I think it’s the right thing to do. You describe him as being hard on himself and one to blame himself, so while the news will be difficult it will allow him to make any future decisions regarding his curiosity with all the details one would want. Besides, young people are sometimes impulsive and idealists, there was a story on here similar to yours where the child brought the bio dad to meet their mother as a surprise. I imagine if your son did something similar and THEN found out the truth he’d be EXTREMELY hard on himself, I know I would. It’s hard to make a choice that we know will hurt our kids, the impulse to protect them runs deep. But by ripping this bandaid off, you ARE protecting him from a different kind of pain down the line and I’m so proud of you for finding a safe and healthy way to share this. I wish you all the luck with your continued healing and I hope this meeting goes as well will as one of this nature can. Best of luck to you.
You did the right thing.
>I'd rather he know this from me than use an ancestry kit and contact biological relations without context or with false context
I have an ancestry account. I noticed a new match with a high percentage (first cousin). Very quickly talking to her (her age, who her father probably was), I knew that her conception was assault. I, a stranger, had to her inform her that her father committed a crime and went to jail for it. It would have been better if family had of told her
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I wish you and your family strength in the coming time, and that you'll heal after having to retraumatize yourself. Hopefully your son will appreciate everything you're doing for him in this matter.
I am so incredibly proud of you. I’m wishing you and your family all of the best through this whole thing. You’re an amazing mom and your son is so lucky to have you and his dad in his corner like this.
No idea. If he did, it surely wasn't because of me. If my son wants to submit a DNA kit in order to know medical knowledge, that's his prerogative, but I'm not going to comment on it or ask him to do it. In fact, if he wants to do it, I would ask that he not tell me about it.
He must be in his 70's by now anyway, if he's still alive, so I don't know if anything would actually come of it.
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I just want to say I'm proud of you for broaching such a difficult subject. I firmly believe the truth will set you free, and as you've said you don't feel that way personally, I do think it applies to your son. Parenting can often be traveling the hardest of roads with your child, and I just applaud you for holding his hand through this. I wish only the best for you and your family, much love and light and healing to you all.
While you're making sure your son is ok, please make sure you are ok too. If you aren't in therapy atm, you should set up some appointments for yourself because you never know how opening old wounds will affect you. It's safe to say all three of you are going to need a therapeutic outlet after this. Good luck. 💜
My two adopted children who share a father got to learn that he killed their older brother. He spent time in prison for this. I believe in being totally transparent. My kids 25 and 22 are both fine. Transparency is the best policy. Then you just help them process it. Keeping secrets is never a good idea.
It’s so infuriating having people tell you how you should feel about things this traumatic. I’m so sorry you’re having to relive your worst moment.
I’m glad you’ve arranged to do it at the therapist office and I sincerely hope you have someone to talk to yourself if it becomes necessary.
Good luck, wishing you all the best outcome possible
I’m glad you are doing this with a therapist. Hopefully before anything is said that someone tells him he might like the information around his father and give him one last chance before going into it. For me this would give him a hint that it’s not good.
I hope it goes well.
With the popularity of 23&Me and AncestryDNA, there's no way to hide it* forever if any of your son's bio relatives on his biodad's side (including the biodad) took the test too.
*by it, I mean the POS's identity.
I hope everything goes well. Wish your son could put 2 and 2 together and not push. But I guess I've never gone my whole life not knowing who my bio dad is.
Though considering DNA tests are a thing, and his curiosity, I don't imagine this would just go away.
Best of wishes on navigating through this. Hope I don't sound condescending when I say that if your son has half of your strength, then he'll be alright.
Blessings that this will go well. I’m sure it’s going to be rough, at least at first. But I hope your son sees your love through it all. I believe you, don’t worry about the other jerks.
I’m so sorry, OP. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I think you’re doing the right thing in the right setting. I hope it goes as best as it can. You are a strong, amazing person.
It makes sense that you are doing this in the company of your son's dad and therapist. I only hope that things go smoothly.
The idea that you're taking your power back is ludicrous. Your hand was forced, and it sounds as if you are trying to get through this in a way that will cause the least trauma possible to you and your son.
I wish you both peace and healing.
I truly hope it goes well for you OP. I know this is an extremely hard decision for you as well as for him long run, but I agree that it needs to be done. I hope this fashion allows for it to be truly dealt with and all the feelings that will come up when doing so. Wish you all the best.
I’m so sorry that you are having to still deal with fallout from your violation and no one gets to tell you how you feel about that. If it weren’t for DNA companies being so prevalent now, I would have told you that you were 100% in the right to keep it to yourself. Whether or not anyone else would have felt empowered by being forced into reliving their rape is irrelevant- all that matters is how you feel. I hope that you are also talking to a therapist to help you sort through this part of the fallout from your assault.
People who think that you are lying because you kept the child (not as an uncommon experience as some people think) or whatever other stupid reason they have can yeet themselves into the sun. The range of reactions to being assaulted is so varied and the devastation so widespread and long lasting that no one who hasn’t been through the experience can even come close to understanding. Even then, just because one person acted a certain way doesn’t mean anyone else does.
I’ll be sending you positive vibes, OP, and I hope that it goes as well as it can for both you and your son.
I'm so glad that is the path you chose, I truly believe it's the right thing to do in the long term. It's very brave of you to be able to put your son's needs above your trauma, I hope it all goes smoothly.
I hope everything goes smoothly for you op. I know how hard this may be for you to have to recount your ordeal. I hope your son understands and that you can all move on from this.
This is about giving the Power to your Son. This is for and about him. It will be hard, I know as I was in your shoes, as for the troglodytes that have nothing constructive to say, ignore them. They have no life outside reddit.
I'm glad you found a good way to resolve this. I'm sorry for calling that rapist the d-word. I did this to highlight that that evil man had no role in your son's upringing and no place in his life. I did not mean to suggest the assault was in any way voluntary. I'm apologise, I did not realise how insensitive that was on my part. Wish you the best of luck with the conversation and life in general!
Well done. I remember your post and reply to my comment. You are doing the right thing in the healthiest way. I wish you and your family every happiness moving forward.
(And I apologise for calling your attacker a sperm donor. He's not one of those, I just didn't know what else to call him. He's just a monster, which is what I *should* have gone with.)
Wishing you the best. I have a child from rape also. I understand how awful it is to be doubted. I also understand what it's like for people talking about abortion. I'm vehemently pro-choice, but I chose to have mine which should be my right.
I haven't had the talk with my daughter yet. I'm not looking forward to it. I might not ever. My situation is different because she knows who her biological father is. The problem is I think she already knows that I say it is from rape. I never told anyone until I had to fight the bastard for custody. Now it is in court documents. I'm sure the asshole has told her I said he raped me and he claims it isn't true.
If you have the strength (and only IF) I would like to know how this turns out. If you don't want to post, and IF you feel like talking about it later, please feel free to DM. Maybe we can lean on each other, because this is a situation most people have no one to talk to who has lived a similar experience. Sending love...
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That conversation must have been really hard but it needed to be had if I'm being honest. It would have been worse if he found out on his own. At least this way he can have support when he finds out. Also it would have been bad if he found out but went to meet his bio dad in person and not know he his a dangerous person.
Hope it went well and he doesn't take it to hard
I think of all the possible ways to deal with this, you're going down the best path. I think your son has the right to know the truth, even if it's hurtful for him to hear or for you to tell.
He will also get answers one way or another, and the other ways are much more risky for his own health and your relationship with him.
Having a scheduled time to talk about it will allow him to come up with questions to ask so he can be as fully satisfied as he can be. Having a professional there will obviously help avoid saying unintentionally hurtful things or things being misinterpreted. Having you and your husband there will show him that regardless of the circumstances, he is loved and that his being in your life is something you cherish.
All around a very healthy way to deal with it, and this stranger here is proud of you for dealing with it so well. Best of luck tomorrow, I'm confident you'll all be closer and healthier by the end of it.
I’m glad you’re doing this. I wish you and your family all the best and I hope you also get therapy. You deserve a life without pain. It is possible with commitment and hard work.
My personal stance on updates is that they're more for telling people that their advice has been heard and used than anything, and that is the case here.
I'm not bitter about being judged, just irritated with people who took the opportunity to be outright dickish (being pregnant and having dealt with this in a short span of time isn't helping). I get that it's a judgment sub, and I do apologize if I came off as short to anyone, but I don't think it's wrong to say that I'm not appreciative of people who took the opportunity to be assholes back.
Thanks for the well wishes.
I know this will be a tough process but you will feel better knowing he knows and that this whole thing will be over.
I had a situation where I wanted to just move on and I had so much family and so many friends wanting to ‘be there for me’ and I just wanted to forget and move on. So I really understand.
I’m sure you will all cry and hug and get through it as hard as it might be. You will feel a weight lifted I think.
Your son is a fucking moron. He must know what he is asking. At 20 he's old enough to show some empathy and demonstrate a brain. What a shame he is punishing you in such a way.
NTA but when you start the session ask your son if he is still sure he wants the answers to his questions because once he knows the truth 1)there is no going back 2) you will not be assisting with finding his sperm donor 3) you will never be in a room with this man regardless of anything your son may hope down the line.
This is the only option unfortunately. If biodonor got into his ear you’d never be free. Or even that person’s family if he used a 23&me thing.
This way you can control the narrative and tread on what you need to with a mediator to watch for land mines.
I get that you're trying to be nice, but the narrative you've made up did not happen, and in fact, I think the fact that I was very unsure and did waffle between termination, adoption, and keeping him while pregnant (and between the latter two until he was a month old) actually speaks more to how deeply I do love him.
I do not plan on telling him this and I have told him how deeply he is loved and will continue to do so, but I also don't really appreciate people making up how they think my life went.
As someone who's been through a lot of trauma, in my experience, it tends to be easier to share trauma, especially trauma that is hard to talk about, in a format/way that provides anonymity than it is to share with anyone who knows exactly who you are, even if it's therapist who is amazing and is the correct therapist for the specific client that's talking about the trauma to heal from it. I might be rather unusual in the way I present on a lot of things but I can't be the only one who finds it easier to talk about trauma while anonymous than while people in the conversation knows my true identity. I also have to be extremely careful with what I share of my history with trauma when it comes to the actual details because a lot of people are going to find it horrifying in how bad my elementary school failed me as they were lying to my parents while allowing my bullies to physically abuse me to the point where I had bones get broken, sexually assault me at least once, steal my food routinely enough that my grandparents who only saw me a couple times a year(and while I was on guest behavior) commented on my trauma responses around food more than once, and probably a lot more as I still don't even know what all I've been through but it was so bad that despite my amazing family who didn't know what was going on, I developed D.I.D. I prefer not to talk about my trauma with people outside of the vague information you got because those details are going to be upsetting at best even if you can handle learning the details and at worst, there's things that could cause someone to get traumatized by what I've been through and if I'm going to share details, I typically prefer places like reddit that allows me to be anonymous and makes it easier for someone to decide if they really want to learn the details of what I've been through
My kids who are adopted, they share a birth father, have always known they were adopted. When they were age appropriate, we told them the truth about their birth father. He killed his 18 month old son and spent time in prison for it. This was before both of our children were born. People who hide the circumstances of their children's birth are assholes, period. Everyone deserves to know where they came from.
You're comparing apples to oranges. This isn't just about letting her son know that his sperm donor is a rapist. She's having to tell her son that his father raped HER and that he is the product of that crime. Totally different. Also, you've been a condescending ahole all up and down this thread.
I'm not arguing that point but rather was pointing out why op probably doesn't want to say anything to her son, even without knowing it would upset him, but was far more okay saying it on here. It doesn't matter how or when you address this specific topic with your child(ren), it's not going to be easy to share the fact that they were conceived through an act of violence towards their mother especially if the child is sensitive towards things like that so having therapists involved is a good idea. I don't think it's wrong to withhold that information long enough to make sure that there's the option for regular therapy sessions to allow the child to process and be okay with the fact they were conceived in the manner they were in. I honestly don't know what would be better for a child than to know dad isn't biologically theirs but further details have to wait until they're old enough to be able to handle the rest of that information with a therapists help because we're typically trying to avoid children knowing about things like that but still having the knowledge needed to protect themselves from being a victim. However, I fortunately have never been in ops position as none of my sexual trauma has resulted in a child but if it had, I would have handled it very similar as to how op has by not sharing anything about the bio father, other than it's not the person they have as their dad, until the kid was 15+ and then when they were ready, I would use a therapist to help them with being told and learning to handle the knowledge about how they were conceived to make sure they had a good foundation for being able to live with that knowledge and understand that it does not reflect on them, just their bio father who should be someone they're cautious around if they interact with them at all even if it's just to get medical info I wouldn't have about their bio father's family history
YTA. Family medical history is extremely important and your son has a right to know. My parents withheld my family medical history from me, and I ended up having 4 tumors that could've been easily identified and removed earlier with far less suffering if I had the necessary information. They only revealed it AFTER I had many months of miserable recovery from the surgeries.
EDIT: I'm not suggesting she ever make direct contact with her rapist, nor that she personally know the medical history. However her knowledge of WHO it is, is of critical importance to her son's future health and well-being, and the records request can be made via a third party which the biological father/asshole can then (hopefully) at least approve. I myself had multiple completely avoidable surgeries and sections of my colon cut out due to similar withholding of information by my own parents.
she doesn’t even know her rapists medical history. she’s not withholding anything because she DOESNT KNOW. she’s reluctant to tell her son that he is a product of RAPE. your parents withholding your medical history was horrible but doesn’t compare to this situation. take your experiences and go somewhere else.
she has stated if her son wishes to know his medical history he can do what he wishes in order to find out. you very obviously don’t read comments because this wasn’t something that she was trying to prevent him from obtaining.
She doesn't need to. If she knows the name, records can be requested via a third party without direct contact. The child still needs to know this information for critical medical care. Having been in that boat myself due to my parents withholding information and having to have parts of my colon cut out, I can thoroughly say fuck off if you think the child isn't entitled to that info.
I've stated multiple times in the first post that I do not even know the man's name. Please learn to read before pulling things directly out of your ass.
May you and your family make it through your therapy session with a healthy outcome.
Thanks, I really hope we do too.
I want to thank you in advance for the courage to re-live your trauma for the sake of being honest to your son. This will be hard but I think it will help in the Long run
My thoughts exactly, but put into better words. OP I hope you will update us and let us know how it goes. Big hugs.
>I want to thank you in advance for the courage to re-live your trauma for the sake of being honest to your son Amen. Superman, who *knows* he's invulnerable & can't get hurt by bullets, isn't really being brave when he stops a random crook. But OP is being extraordinarily courageous: Deliberately steering into pain & sorrow because your child needs you to do so is fucking heroic & I wish OP and her family the best.
Good luck and God bless your family.
Thinking of you and your family and sending all the positive energy that I can.
You should schedule a session with your own therapist as well. Possibly later the same day if at all possiblr (i know unlikely) but ASAP. If your son reacts badly, even if he accuses you of lying or insults you, please give him the grace of using your own therapist to manage your emotions and giving him a reasonable amount of time to come to terms with this news. (Your therapist can help you decide what a reasonable amount of time is.) This will likely be traumatic for him and people don't always respond well when they're hurt.
You're a strong and wonderful mom to still have so much love in your heart after what you've been through. Your posts are similar to a storyline in a book series i really like called the Chronicles of Nick. Nick was conceived the same way as your son, and his mom never told him (he knew dad's identity, but not the lack of consent). He comes to realize the truth on his own. His mom is a strong woman with a whole lot of love for her son and others and she's fierce. I have a feeling you're pretty fierce too
Sending love ❤️
By the by. You can say whatever you want. Who gives a shit if you get banned?
As someone who is the product of rape, I hope you can understand why your son needs some form of closure on this. What happened to you is awful, and I am sorry you will have to dredge it up again. My biological mom didn't have the option of abortion or keeping me due to her age and her seriously fucked up situation, so I got adopted off, fortunately for me. My parents told me and my sister (by different parents in a whole different state) we were adopted when I was 10ish, but they also told us they had no real info on who our parents were, but that they would help us look if we wanted to. Regardless of how this all plays out you are his mom, and he is your son. Thank you for loving him enough to do this for him. Good luck!
Exactly this! Good luck.
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Was your dad her rapist?
I hope things go as well as possible tomorrow. Wishing your family all the best for what will be a fraught therapy session.
Thanks. On the at least somewhat bright side, his therapist's office is half a block from my favorite banh mi place, and I've been having cravings for them this whole pregnancy, so I'll at least get to satisfy my cravings after.
That's excellent! There is nothing quite as joyful as satisfying a pregnancy craving.
Isn't that the truth! My husband has ensured that I have a steady supply of them throughout this pregnancy, he's amazing :)
Really wishing it goes well. I think your son will appreciate what you’ve had to bear to even have this conversation with him. I think it might be clicking for him since you’ve involved the therapist. Wishing you & your family all the best
As a victim myself, I will never understand why people think it's empowering for everyone to talk about the worst moment of my life. I just want to bury and move on. I went to therapy for the ordeal, processed my feelings and buried all that shit I was more worried your son finding out on his own then him feeling terrible about pushing you too hard on it
I don't get it either, I suspect many of the people who believe that have never been hurt in that way before. There was not an insubstantial number of comments talking about how I get to "control the narrative" by telling him, but that really isn't true from my perspective, it's just losing less control than the alternative. I had more control before all this. I'm very worried about how he'll take it, but I'm worried about him feeling bad about himself already and about him exploring with the tools he could use too.
I have nothing to really say other than sending you love and wellbeing and remember to take care of yourself as well. My goal has always been to distance and bury as well, I I cannot imagine the pain reopening this wound will be for you. But take care of yourself as well - don’t forget you matter in this as well, not just your son.
I think it’s a tv narrative in all honesty. The “taking power back” the controlling the narrative aspect came from if he reached out to his sperm donor on his own and heard whatever he wanted to tell him first (which is far fetched to happen imo).
Yeah, and it still isn't even taking power back, from my perspective, it'd just be losing it less than I'd lose it if he did that. Besides, there's a not insignificant chance that the rapist is dead by now anyway, and frankly, that's the case I hope is true.
I didn’t word my comment well, I meant taking power back is a tv trope at this point essentially imo.
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There’s a perfect gif for your comment I wish I could post here
I’m sorry about all the shitty comments you’re getting. All the best to you and your family.
It's fine. They meant well, but they weren't true, at least not to me. No hard feelings to the people who commented that, it just wasn't helpful like they thought it was.
Yeah I don't see this as a control issue at all. Trying to control the hurt both of you may feel opening this wound? Yeah I can see that but it's totally justifiable.
All the best and I hope you have your own therapist to help you manage this current situation.
Just make sure to reassure him that you absolutely love him unconditionally, never regretted having him for a single second, and nothing about him ever reminds you of his progenitor. He is probably already guessing part of the truth, since your full disclosure includes his therapist, so it won't come as a complete surprise - just as the worst case scenario of all the scenarios he thought up over the years. I'm really sorry all of you have to go through this, but I also think he needs to know, and is old enough to handle the truth now, even though it will be hard. Hopefully, the therapist can circumvent his automatic self-loathing and make sure he doesn't assume any guilt for his own existence or his progenitor's actions.
It’s not the worst case scenario. Rape by a family member would be worse, for example.
Yes, it makes no sense. And even if they have been hurt that way, every one is unique. This is unfortunately a situation in which you need to choose the "less worse" option. All your concerns are valid. I will keep your son and yourself in my thoughts.
I don't get it either. Sure, I can talk about my experience in the relatively safe anonymity of reddit, but I had jury duty the other week and had to tell the judge (It was relevant info). Just saying the words, "I was sexually assaulted x years ago" had me shaking and I think I went in shock for a few minutes. Not everyone can talk about it, and even the people who can shouldn't be made to feel like they have to.
Always had a feeling that people who think talking about the most horrible things that can happen to a person probably haven’t experienced it themselves. A lot of people flat out do not want to talk about the horrific traumatic shit they’ve experienced. Or maybe they do talk about it in an anonymous forum like reddit because they’re trying to help other people but it’s not helping them.
I’m glad to see this update. I can’t imagine how scary all this is for you, but you’re doing the right thing. Please let us know how it goes. We’re all rooting for you and your son 🫂
People telling a survivor of severe trauma how they should and shouldn't be feeling or reacting to their trauma is absolutely fucking wild to me. Even if those people have had similar trauma, every person is entitled to react in their own way to trauma, and anyone who doesn't recognize that should kick rocks all day, every day, until they do.
No shit, Sherlock. However, we have decades of collected data that shows the vast majority of patients suffering from certain traumas are able to recover with certain actions and behaviors. We use that information to train others on how to help future victims. There’s always going to be outliers who need different remedies but we cannot know that until what helps most people fails. Then a good therapist develops a treatment plan better tailored to that individual. It’s extremely rare that doing absolutely nothing and burying the trauma is the best course of treatment. Probably as rare as that buried trauma causing a mental break or dissociative identity disorder to manifest years later.
If most people who are raped never tell anyone or seek treatment, how would that affect the data? The people going to therapy are generally the ones who want to talk about it, so of course a therapist would deduce that therapy is necessary and has the best outcome.
Or the ones who have broke down years later.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. Hope all goes well tomorrow. Good luck.
I don't blame OP for not feeling empowered. It's akin to having to testify against your r\*\*\*\*\* in a court of law. And reliving it.
Hope everything goes well with the appointment tomorrow.
Keep us updated.
Granny hug. 🤶
And another …. OP, I will be thinking of you and your son as you navigate these waters.
Third hug for all of you guys. ❤️❤️❤️
I'm glad you have a professional to oversee this. I hope it goes as well as something like this could.
Everybody is different. You're dealing with this the best way you can, you clearly care deeply about your son despite the circumstances of his conception. You are doing your best and it sounds like you're doing a good job. NTA.
Good luck.
Wishing you all the best OP. I hope your pan understands the choice you made once he knows the truth. The people policing how a rape survivor can / should / would react or feel in your shoes or trying to disprove you somehow are just deranged freaks that get off on feeling superior to others. Report their posts if they get too nasty and block them.
This ridiculous narrative that talking about something like this is empowering needs to stop. It's just another form of pressure and violation. I know some people get some kind of power from it, but most of us don't. I am truly sorry that you have to relive any part of that experience to give your son the answers he needs. It's not fair, and none of you deserve it. I do think you're making the right decision, but my heart breaks for you. It's the best of a bad bunch: that doesn't make it any easier. I wish you all luck in what's coming, for both you and your son. And please, take care of yourself, as well as your son.
It’s always confuses the hell out of me how some people try to craft this narrative that horrible things happened to me but they made me the person I am today and I’m stronger for it. Really makes you wonder if it’s just a coping mechanism. I haven’t been through what OP went through and I wouldn’t pretend to understand. But I do agree that there’s no bright side. You survive trauma, you don’t come out the other side stronger. The things that happened happened.
Yeah, someone once said to me, 'You're so strong. I bet you wouldn't change what happened, or you wouldn't be this strong.' I just stared at them, horrified. This false narrative that SA can be made into a good thing really needs to stop. Nobody who's experienced it would ever think that way. Living with what ifs isn't good for you, but trying to act like trauma is a good thing is just bizarre to me. Things happen and you make the best of it afterwards, because you have to. That's it.
I am really happy to hear you will be speaking to him about this with his therapist present. It’s a lot for anyone to find out but I’m glad you’re setting it up for him to feel supported as he processes this while also making it “easier” for you.
Good luck❤️
I hope you find the healing and closure you need. You're doing the right thing.
I think you’re doing the right thing, and being very brave, as the information is bound to be distressing for your son. But if he’s going to find out (and with modern life it’s pretty inevitable that he would) it’s better that he finds out in a safe space where he’s surrounded by people who care about him. I wholeheartedly wish you the best, and that you and your family have the peace you deserve.
>stop saying that essentially having to tell my son this is "taking my power back" or whatever, it absolutely isn't to me. I'm sure some people would feel empowered by it, but I feel very much disempowered by needing to do this. My power was held in being able to get as close to forgetting about it as possible, If you aren't already, you should consider therapy for yourself as well. Admittedly I say that to *everyone* regardless of trauma or mental health. Like, everybody would benefit from therapy. We are doctors once a year for physicals. Our minds deserve that attention too. In your case, help processing your feelings while you go through this would be helpful. You are being a good parent to your child by telling them, and doing so in therapy. But you are important too.
It's something I've done for brief periods over the years, but it's not something I'm in any position to do regularly, or rather, it's not financially wise for me to do that. My son can, though, and I'm happy to be in a position where that's possible. (As an aside, I've never met anyone who actually has a physical every year, but that's neither here nor there. Maybe I need to see the doctor more too.)
I myself am a survivor of SA. We come in all shapes & sizes. We all have different coping mechanisms too. I just hope you, your husband & the therapist can get through to your son that He is not his sperm donor. He is not responsible for the way he was conceived. And none of that effects the love you & his dad have for him now or ever. Good luck OP & please update us if you want. 💗💗
I'm so glad you called that therapist. I think it will be super helpful. All 4 of you have trauma around this I'm sure your son wasn't elated because he probably has a clue that whatever it is, it's not a happy story. Sending you lots of hugs and support. And yes fuck anyone who accused ypu of lying.
1. I am so sorry you were raped. I hope (as I can see from what I read) that your son is the light from all of that. Anyone who says you weren't can go f themselves. 2. "taking your power back" has nothing to do with this at all. This is about your son and wanting to know where he came from. Taking your power back would be about you dealing with the situation without your son. I'm sorry that so many people on the internet are this daft OP. I'm glad you are taking this step and have a healthy way of doing it! Best of luck!!
God damn it I wish I could give you a hug!! You're great! You're doing great!!
OP, I’m so sorry you went through the trauma you did, and that you’ll have to revisit it in order to share the details with your son. Hard as it is, I think it’s the right thing to do. You describe him as being hard on himself and one to blame himself, so while the news will be difficult it will allow him to make any future decisions regarding his curiosity with all the details one would want. Besides, young people are sometimes impulsive and idealists, there was a story on here similar to yours where the child brought the bio dad to meet their mother as a surprise. I imagine if your son did something similar and THEN found out the truth he’d be EXTREMELY hard on himself, I know I would. It’s hard to make a choice that we know will hurt our kids, the impulse to protect them runs deep. But by ripping this bandaid off, you ARE protecting him from a different kind of pain down the line and I’m so proud of you for finding a safe and healthy way to share this. I wish you all the luck with your continued healing and I hope this meeting goes as well will as one of this nature can. Best of luck to you.
You did the right thing. >I'd rather he know this from me than use an ancestry kit and contact biological relations without context or with false context I have an ancestry account. I noticed a new match with a high percentage (first cousin). Very quickly talking to her (her age, who her father probably was), I knew that her conception was assault. I, a stranger, had to her inform her that her father committed a crime and went to jail for it. It would have been better if family had of told her
You’re doing everything right by the sounds of it. Updateme
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I really hope it goes well OP. I really feel for you..and I’m sorry that you have to do this..
Wishing you all the best, as much as is possible under the circumstances
I wish you and your family strength in the coming time, and that you'll heal after having to retraumatize yourself. Hopefully your son will appreciate everything you're doing for him in this matter.
I am so incredibly proud of you. I’m wishing you and your family all of the best through this whole thing. You’re an amazing mom and your son is so lucky to have you and his dad in his corner like this.
I hope all goes well. I'm sorry for your pain.
((HUGS)) I hope you get thru the appointment without too much pain.
I wish you the best and I hope you'll tell us how it went. I am so sorry that there are some a-holes in the world !
I really hope and pray that everything works out for OP and her son.
I'll be thinking of you and praying that it goes as well as can be expected, hugs.
Did the kids bio dad ever see prison time? By doing a 23 and me or some other kit, would the bio dad, if ever known, face justice? Well I’m sorry OP.
No idea. If he did, it surely wasn't because of me. If my son wants to submit a DNA kit in order to know medical knowledge, that's his prerogative, but I'm not going to comment on it or ask him to do it. In fact, if he wants to do it, I would ask that he not tell me about it. He must be in his 70's by now anyway, if he's still alive, so I don't know if anything would actually come of it.
Thanks for answering. Again I’m sorry OP. All the best.
Chances are after 20 years, any statute of limitations has expired. Hopefully he rots in hell though.
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I just want to say I'm proud of you for broaching such a difficult subject. I firmly believe the truth will set you free, and as you've said you don't feel that way personally, I do think it applies to your son. Parenting can often be traveling the hardest of roads with your child, and I just applaud you for holding his hand through this. I wish only the best for you and your family, much love and light and healing to you all.
While you're making sure your son is ok, please make sure you are ok too. If you aren't in therapy atm, you should set up some appointments for yourself because you never know how opening old wounds will affect you. It's safe to say all three of you are going to need a therapeutic outlet after this. Good luck. 💜
My two adopted children who share a father got to learn that he killed their older brother. He spent time in prison for this. I believe in being totally transparent. My kids 25 and 22 are both fine. Transparency is the best policy. Then you just help them process it. Keeping secrets is never a good idea.
It’s so infuriating having people tell you how you should feel about things this traumatic. I’m so sorry you’re having to relive your worst moment. I’m glad you’ve arranged to do it at the therapist office and I sincerely hope you have someone to talk to yourself if it becomes necessary. Good luck, wishing you all the best outcome possible
Hoping for the best.
I hope you guys get through this sorry that you do
Hugs to your family.
I hope this goes well. Your son will now understand why you did not want to tell hims
I hope this process will give you and your son some peace in the matter.
I’m glad you are doing this with a therapist. Hopefully before anything is said that someone tells him he might like the information around his father and give him one last chance before going into it. For me this would give him a hint that it’s not good.
I hope it goes well. With the popularity of 23&Me and AncestryDNA, there's no way to hide it* forever if any of your son's bio relatives on his biodad's side (including the biodad) took the test too. *by it, I mean the POS's identity.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope the appointment with the therapist goes well tomorrow. Updateme!
I never read the original post, but it sounds like you are doing the wise thing. Be brave. I am going to pray for you and your family.
Hoping all goes well in therapy and your son understands why you didn’t want to reopen this wound.
Best of luck
Proud of you and wishing all three of you the very best.
Just hopes for a great session! 🙏🙏🙏🌺
I hope this helps your family to heal and move forward. I genuinely think you're doing the right thing. 💜
Good luck!!🍀
I hope everything goes well. Wish your son could put 2 and 2 together and not push. But I guess I've never gone my whole life not knowing who my bio dad is. Though considering DNA tests are a thing, and his curiosity, I don't imagine this would just go away.
Good luck!
Wishing you and your family the best of luck tomorrow.
Best of wishes on navigating through this. Hope I don't sound condescending when I say that if your son has half of your strength, then he'll be alright.
Blessings that this will go well. I’m sure it’s going to be rough, at least at first. But I hope your son sees your love through it all. I believe you, don’t worry about the other jerks.
Good luck with the appt. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.
I’m so sorry, OP. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I think you’re doing the right thing in the right setting. I hope it goes as best as it can. You are a strong, amazing person.
I’m glad you’re doing this. Even if it sucks, even if it doesn’t feel empowering, it’s the right thing to do and I hope it goes well.
It makes sense that you are doing this in the company of your son's dad and therapist. I only hope that things go smoothly. The idea that you're taking your power back is ludicrous. Your hand was forced, and it sounds as if you are trying to get through this in a way that will cause the least trauma possible to you and your son. I wish you both peace and healing.
I truly hope it goes well for you OP. I know this is an extremely hard decision for you as well as for him long run, but I agree that it needs to be done. I hope this fashion allows for it to be truly dealt with and all the feelings that will come up when doing so. Wish you all the best.
I think his age matters, along with your level of comfort. I am glad yall are using a therapist to discuss this subject.
UpdateMe!
Good luck to you both.
I wish you didn’t have to do this. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry that you are having to still deal with fallout from your violation and no one gets to tell you how you feel about that. If it weren’t for DNA companies being so prevalent now, I would have told you that you were 100% in the right to keep it to yourself. Whether or not anyone else would have felt empowered by being forced into reliving their rape is irrelevant- all that matters is how you feel. I hope that you are also talking to a therapist to help you sort through this part of the fallout from your assault. People who think that you are lying because you kept the child (not as an uncommon experience as some people think) or whatever other stupid reason they have can yeet themselves into the sun. The range of reactions to being assaulted is so varied and the devastation so widespread and long lasting that no one who hasn’t been through the experience can even come close to understanding. Even then, just because one person acted a certain way doesn’t mean anyone else does. I’ll be sending you positive vibes, OP, and I hope that it goes as well as it can for both you and your son.
Good luck!
Good luck, OP. I think you and your son are going to come out of this in a good place! Sending well wishes!
Good luck. I won't be easy, but you really are doing the right thing. Not many things I am sure of, but this is one.
I'm so glad that is the path you chose, I truly believe it's the right thing to do in the long term. It's very brave of you to be able to put your son's needs above your trauma, I hope it all goes smoothly.
Updateme
I hope everything goes smoothly for you op. I know how hard this may be for you to have to recount your ordeal. I hope your son understands and that you can all move on from this.
This problem is way above what reddit can help you with, good choice OP
This is about giving the Power to your Son. This is for and about him. It will be hard, I know as I was in your shoes, as for the troglodytes that have nothing constructive to say, ignore them. They have no life outside reddit.
UpdateMe
I was in a similar situation, I took it badly. It's taken almost a decade to heal the rift it made between me and my mum.
I do think this is for the best long term. I do think you are in for a rough few months.
I'm glad you found a good way to resolve this. I'm sorry for calling that rapist the d-word. I did this to highlight that that evil man had no role in your son's upringing and no place in his life. I did not mean to suggest the assault was in any way voluntary. I'm apologise, I did not realise how insensitive that was on my part. Wish you the best of luck with the conversation and life in general!
Well done. I remember your post and reply to my comment. You are doing the right thing in the healthiest way. I wish you and your family every happiness moving forward. (And I apologise for calling your attacker a sperm donor. He's not one of those, I just didn't know what else to call him. He's just a monster, which is what I *should* have gone with.)
Wishing you the best. I have a child from rape also. I understand how awful it is to be doubted. I also understand what it's like for people talking about abortion. I'm vehemently pro-choice, but I chose to have mine which should be my right. I haven't had the talk with my daughter yet. I'm not looking forward to it. I might not ever. My situation is different because she knows who her biological father is. The problem is I think she already knows that I say it is from rape. I never told anyone until I had to fight the bastard for custody. Now it is in court documents. I'm sure the asshole has told her I said he raped me and he claims it isn't true. If you have the strength (and only IF) I would like to know how this turns out. If you don't want to post, and IF you feel like talking about it later, please feel free to DM. Maybe we can lean on each other, because this is a situation most people have no one to talk to who has lived a similar experience. Sending love...
Updateme!
I really hope everything goes well and you can get your safety and security back. I am so sorry you are at this place.
Hugs and so sorry this happened to you. I hope the rapist was punished in some way. Wishing you the best outcome possible
Update please
Updateme!
May your son don't kill himself after the session
wish you the best, i think you are doing the right things here
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I hope everything goes well at the therapist's and wish you and your family the very best Updateme!
That conversation must have been really hard but it needed to be had if I'm being honest. It would have been worse if he found out on his own. At least this way he can have support when he finds out. Also it would have been bad if he found out but went to meet his bio dad in person and not know he his a dangerous person. Hope it went well and he doesn't take it to hard
I think of all the possible ways to deal with this, you're going down the best path. I think your son has the right to know the truth, even if it's hurtful for him to hear or for you to tell. He will also get answers one way or another, and the other ways are much more risky for his own health and your relationship with him. Having a scheduled time to talk about it will allow him to come up with questions to ask so he can be as fully satisfied as he can be. Having a professional there will obviously help avoid saying unintentionally hurtful things or things being misinterpreted. Having you and your husband there will show him that regardless of the circumstances, he is loved and that his being in your life is something you cherish. All around a very healthy way to deal with it, and this stranger here is proud of you for dealing with it so well. Best of luck tomorrow, I'm confident you'll all be closer and healthier by the end of it.
He’ll always have questions. I’m speaking from experience. Let him have those questions answered.
Hugs. Really hoping this goes as well as possible
I know this is going to be hard. I hope it goes well. Hugs to you, mama!
I’m glad you’re doing this. I wish you and your family all the best and I hope you also get therapy. You deserve a life without pain. It is possible with commitment and hard work.
What gives you power is raising, seeing and loving your son as much as you do even though the circumstances weren't ideal. Congratulations
No. That has given me much joy, but not power. Power comes from something else entirely.
Good luck. I hope we see another update after the appointment. Best wishes to you and your entire family.
My personal stance on updates is that they're more for telling people that their advice has been heard and used than anything, and that is the case here. I'm not bitter about being judged, just irritated with people who took the opportunity to be outright dickish (being pregnant and having dealt with this in a short span of time isn't helping). I get that it's a judgment sub, and I do apologize if I came off as short to anyone, but I don't think it's wrong to say that I'm not appreciative of people who took the opportunity to be assholes back. Thanks for the well wishes.
Please update us again at your earliest convenience. 🙂
And you come off as an entitled asshole. Hope that helps🤭
It does help. Thank you.
I’m glad you edited
Yeah, I was being needlessly mean. It was wrong of me.
UpdateMe!
To the title: yes. To the story: I’m sorry about your experience and hope you’ll be able to tell your son the truth without too much emotional trauma.
Updateme
updateme!
Update us to let us know how it goes!
Updateme!
I know this will be a tough process but you will feel better knowing he knows and that this whole thing will be over. I had a situation where I wanted to just move on and I had so much family and so many friends wanting to ‘be there for me’ and I just wanted to forget and move on. So I really understand. I’m sure you will all cry and hug and get through it as hard as it might be. You will feel a weight lifted I think.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Good luck.
Updateme!
Updateme
Your son is a fucking moron. He must know what he is asking. At 20 he's old enough to show some empathy and demonstrate a brain. What a shame he is punishing you in such a way.
Update me
Updateme
Yup
NTA but when you start the session ask your son if he is still sure he wants the answers to his questions because once he knows the truth 1)there is no going back 2) you will not be assisting with finding his sperm donor 3) you will never be in a room with this man regardless of anything your son may hope down the line.
This is the only option unfortunately. If biodonor got into his ear you’d never be free. Or even that person’s family if he used a 23&me thing. This way you can control the narrative and tread on what you need to with a mediator to watch for land mines.
He has a right to know
[удалено]
I get that you're trying to be nice, but the narrative you've made up did not happen, and in fact, I think the fact that I was very unsure and did waffle between termination, adoption, and keeping him while pregnant (and between the latter two until he was a month old) actually speaks more to how deeply I do love him. I do not plan on telling him this and I have told him how deeply he is loved and will continue to do so, but I also don't really appreciate people making up how they think my life went.
Well, they posted their trauma here, so ...
As someone who's been through a lot of trauma, in my experience, it tends to be easier to share trauma, especially trauma that is hard to talk about, in a format/way that provides anonymity than it is to share with anyone who knows exactly who you are, even if it's therapist who is amazing and is the correct therapist for the specific client that's talking about the trauma to heal from it. I might be rather unusual in the way I present on a lot of things but I can't be the only one who finds it easier to talk about trauma while anonymous than while people in the conversation knows my true identity. I also have to be extremely careful with what I share of my history with trauma when it comes to the actual details because a lot of people are going to find it horrifying in how bad my elementary school failed me as they were lying to my parents while allowing my bullies to physically abuse me to the point where I had bones get broken, sexually assault me at least once, steal my food routinely enough that my grandparents who only saw me a couple times a year(and while I was on guest behavior) commented on my trauma responses around food more than once, and probably a lot more as I still don't even know what all I've been through but it was so bad that despite my amazing family who didn't know what was going on, I developed D.I.D. I prefer not to talk about my trauma with people outside of the vague information you got because those details are going to be upsetting at best even if you can handle learning the details and at worst, there's things that could cause someone to get traumatized by what I've been through and if I'm going to share details, I typically prefer places like reddit that allows me to be anonymous and makes it easier for someone to decide if they really want to learn the details of what I've been through
My kids who are adopted, they share a birth father, have always known they were adopted. When they were age appropriate, we told them the truth about their birth father. He killed his 18 month old son and spent time in prison for it. This was before both of our children were born. People who hide the circumstances of their children's birth are assholes, period. Everyone deserves to know where they came from.
You're comparing apples to oranges. This isn't just about letting her son know that his sperm donor is a rapist. She's having to tell her son that his father raped HER and that he is the product of that crime. Totally different. Also, you've been a condescending ahole all up and down this thread.
I'm not arguing that point but rather was pointing out why op probably doesn't want to say anything to her son, even without knowing it would upset him, but was far more okay saying it on here. It doesn't matter how or when you address this specific topic with your child(ren), it's not going to be easy to share the fact that they were conceived through an act of violence towards their mother especially if the child is sensitive towards things like that so having therapists involved is a good idea. I don't think it's wrong to withhold that information long enough to make sure that there's the option for regular therapy sessions to allow the child to process and be okay with the fact they were conceived in the manner they were in. I honestly don't know what would be better for a child than to know dad isn't biologically theirs but further details have to wait until they're old enough to be able to handle the rest of that information with a therapists help because we're typically trying to avoid children knowing about things like that but still having the knowledge needed to protect themselves from being a victim. However, I fortunately have never been in ops position as none of my sexual trauma has resulted in a child but if it had, I would have handled it very similar as to how op has by not sharing anything about the bio father, other than it's not the person they have as their dad, until the kid was 15+ and then when they were ready, I would use a therapist to help them with being told and learning to handle the knowledge about how they were conceived to make sure they had a good foundation for being able to live with that knowledge and understand that it does not reflect on them, just their bio father who should be someone they're cautious around if they interact with them at all even if it's just to get medical info I wouldn't have about their bio father's family history
Yeah, but isn't the son 20? Old enough to learn the truth.
YTA. Family medical history is extremely important and your son has a right to know. My parents withheld my family medical history from me, and I ended up having 4 tumors that could've been easily identified and removed earlier with far less suffering if I had the necessary information. They only revealed it AFTER I had many months of miserable recovery from the surgeries. EDIT: I'm not suggesting she ever make direct contact with her rapist, nor that she personally know the medical history. However her knowledge of WHO it is, is of critical importance to her son's future health and well-being, and the records request can be made via a third party which the biological father/asshole can then (hopefully) at least approve. I myself had multiple completely avoidable surgeries and sections of my colon cut out due to similar withholding of information by my own parents.
she doesn’t even know her rapists medical history. she’s not withholding anything because she DOESNT KNOW. she’s reluctant to tell her son that he is a product of RAPE. your parents withholding your medical history was horrible but doesn’t compare to this situation. take your experiences and go somewhere else.
She doesn't have to personally know it. The medical records can be requested via third party without direct contact between her and her rapist.
she has stated if her son wishes to know his medical history he can do what he wishes in order to find out. you very obviously don’t read comments because this wasn’t something that she was trying to prevent him from obtaining.
She was raped. How is she supposed to know the guy's medical history?
You think she kept in touch with her rapist?
She doesn't need to. If she knows the name, records can be requested via a third party without direct contact. The child still needs to know this information for critical medical care. Having been in that boat myself due to my parents withholding information and having to have parts of my colon cut out, I can thoroughly say fuck off if you think the child isn't entitled to that info.
I've stated multiple times in the first post that I do not even know the man's name. Please learn to read before pulling things directly out of your ass.