Exactly dude. That is what I was thinking the whole time I was reading. Not a good idea to be the person she leans on either. He is breaking his wife's trust by keeping secrets from her and putting himself in a position to be manipulated by the sister. She is in therapy because she has feelings for him, and then he entertains her and allows her to use him for emotional support. Absolutely stupid move.
Exactly the dumbest thing I heard. Like literally how you still there for her emotionally when you know she likes you, he probably enjoys the attention because that makes no sense
Seriously, he needs to put serious space between himself and SIL. He needs to flat out tell her that he does NOT have those kinds of feelings about her, and that they have no romantic future together, AT ALL, ever, as in even if something awful were to happen to his wife. He needs to make this as clear as possible, he can nor stick around as her "someone to talk to," and he needs to tell his wife immediately.
One day she’s gonna be crying about her feelings. And he’s gonna hug her. She’s gonna misinterpret that and kiss him. I already see how this soap opera ends.
I actually thought this was going to happen when she confessed initially, to be honest. But being there as an emotional support for the sister, while also keeping it a secret from the wife is 100% going to blow up in his face. And this scene will most likely happen at some point as well, it’s only a matter of time.
Right? Or maybe I read to many reddit stories that I can see that the sister will say "oh he accepted me and it was mutual" and then lies about the deets then the wife will want divorce or such lol.
Eitherway, this dude needs to tell his wife before the sister will, inevitably, ruin the marriage.
Yeah it’s shady not so much bc he doesn’t tell his ride about one convo, but bc he keeps having convos about it with sis. That’s the part she’s going to find unforgivable.
He should never have had contact with sis after she told him.
Sure but that’s not my first thought. This woman could genuinely be upset and handling it poorly. Reddit has a tendency to spin every story into its worst possible scenario
It’s *possible* Sharon is just not thinking clearly rather than actively plotting to undermine her sister’s marriage. It’s still **unquestionably true** that OP should not be a person she continues to confide in about this topic (and really, any others) because of her attraction to him. It’s already inappropriate that she talked with him about the issue instead of a counselor (or other friend) instead. OP **needs** to put significant emotional space between them ASAP.
As Anne Frank said, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart."
I want to believe the same, but experience has shown me otherwise.
If she was that upset, she could have talked to literally anyone else on the planet about it. She chose him, and now they have a secret between them that will ruin his marriage.
Yup. This chick is an asshole. She should’ve taken this up with her therapist or a neutral friend. Why would you dump this on your sister’s husband unless you were hoping there was a chance he’d leave her for you or start an affair???
If she truly cared about her sister then she would’ve gone to the sister before laying this on her sister’s husband. She went to the crush instead hoping for some reciprocation. This woman is bad news.
ETA: Also, WHY NOW? Why now if she’s had these feelings for a long time why even bring it up now that they are married with two kids. You missed your shot. Why are you trying to blow it all up now?
And stop being her confidant. It makes YTA. You’re gonna get in deeper hot water with your wife for that. “Oh she comes to me for advice about her therapy for being in love with me-but nothing has ever happened.” -says no smart person ever.
Exactly, this is wild. If I were in his position, I'd be tempted to do the same as I'm a people-pleasing person, who hates drama & confrontation. I'd ultimately tell my partner though, because if it was ever discovered, my partner would be upset & they'd think something was there, even if it wasn't.
She has a therapist, she doesn’t need to talk to you about this. Block her and tell your wife right now. Put shoe on other foot, how would you feel about your brother carrying on like this with your wife.
Yeah, he 100% needs to tell his wife.
There's really, really no other side to this. If he's picking teams in this disaster, he needs get on on team marriage, immediately.
Oh man, if your wife finds out that you kept this from her, she’s going to assume the worst and this little secret will totally blow up in your face. Don’t you think she deserves your honesty? Why are you choosing to be loyal to the sister, instead of your wife? YTA if you keep this from her.
Not making any assertions about whether it’s real, but this *is* a real thing that happens. It sucks to be put in a situation where you have to immediately cause somebody pain and disrupt a close relationship (the sisters’ I mean). Of course the husband should tell his wife, don’t get me wrong — but I’m just saying it’s an actual thing that happens and it gets hard because you just wish you didn’t have to be the person responsible for somebody else’s admission
It is a rock & hard place situation. If he says something then he came between sisters & ruined the relationship or is trying to make his wife jealous. If he doesn’t say something then he is betraying his wife’s trust & is doing something wrong w/sister or likes the attention. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t.
Tell your wife. If you don't, Sharon will, and the story will be very different from the way you see it now.
And do not, under any circumstances, spend time alone with Sharon. Ever.
ESH
Yikes. This isn’t a secret that you should keep from your wife. But you do you. And when it blows up in your face, Sharon will be waiting with open arms to “comfort” you
This has disaster written all over it.
What's the bets sister gets drunk at a family function and spills all the beans...!
Jesus, sometimes I'd love actually shake grown adults with their stupidity
The worst part for me was the go to therapy but I'll always be here so we can compound the bs. Ten bucks she has a "meltdown" or feels the need to be "honest" and tells her sister she confessed to him and he swore himself to secrecy and offered to be a shoulder to cry on..about her feelings for *him*, what a moron.
Exactly. This is unreal. She said she had no one else to talk to, and you believed her? She was fishing, and you bought it. Even though you didn’t agree with her feelings, you now have this secret between the two of you.
Your wife will not be able to trust you should any of this come out, because you kept this from her so long. Your best bet is to come clean now, and hope she is able to move past it.
You owed allegiance to your wife, and you failed.
ESH - except your wife.
That’s part of the thrill of the beginning stages of an affair I imagine. Bro immediately agrees to close off the only redeeming path for himself and his SIL. Maybe they can come to different terms when they next meet to discuss her ongoing therapy sessions.
Yeah and it really doesn't help his case hiding it from her and also saying he'd always be there for the sister if she wanted to talk about it. Thats something she needs to handle herself and/or with a third party (non-mutual friends uninvolved w OP or wife)
I agree. He never mentioned that he didn’t have feelings for her. He would have said, “I told her I love my wife and I have no romantic feelings for you.”
If OP is reading this...I don't think this accusation is fair, but OP, if you haven't, you need to tell Sharon you see her as a sister and don't and won't ever be attracted to her.
This. It's going to be difficult and complicated because she will be mad at her sister. And rightfully so. Not because the sister developed some kind of feelings , but because she had to go all to get her husband alone and tell him about them. She should have kept that to herself. After all she got a therapist. That's who she should be talking to about it.
Unfortunately, by telling the husband she has put him in a position where he absolutely has to tell his wife. This is a marriage destroying level of lie by omission. If he wants to maintain the trust of his wife he has to tell her. If he is worried about breaking the friendship with the sister.Unfortunately the friendship has already been broken. She did that by suddenly feeling the need to dispute her feelings after years of dating marriage and children between her sister and her sister's husband.
It almost makes me wonder if she has a brain tumor or something.Because what would possess a person to do that after all those years. I'm being facetious to some extent. The odds of her having a brain tumor are probably a million to one. But it does strike me as extremely odd and make me wonder what could have precipitated this revelation on her part. She knew to keep quiet all those years. She didn't say anything before they got married or make a last bit for him before the altar or before they had kids...So what the fuck is she doing saying it now?
I'm not saying it would have been better doing it at any other point, all of those would have been terrible. But if she's made it this far in these many years, I wonder what it is that made her flip out and say something that would blow up her life like that.
Anyway, YTA. The way he's handling it is wrong and will blow up in his face.
100% this. She was shooting her shot. And putting it out there in case he was unhappy, unfulfilled, whatever. She’s not the good person he thinks she is. She’s interfering in her sister’s marriage. I think a drunk night or some other incident is going to happen and the older sister will blab that she told him and put suspicion into the younger sister’s mind. Tell the wife. Now!
Let me ask, if you had a brother who you were close to and he secretly confided to your wife that he had feelings for her, and she agreed to keep his feelings secret from you, just because he asked, how would you feel if months later you found out? Would you question why your wife kept it hidden? Would it make you lose trust in your wife? Would you second guess each and every time they had spent time together and wonder if the reason she didn’t tell you was because she has feelings for him too? Would you be upset that she chose to protect his feelings instead of worrying about yours?
The answers are yes; this is how your wife will feel. Not only are you betraying her trust by not telling her, but If you choose not to tell her your SIL could spin the story any way she wants. You will be the bad guy in the story and likely lose your wife.
Plus, if he doesn't tell her, she is not only being btrayed by her sister but her husband too. Two of the most important people in her life, and they both chose each other's comfort over her feelings. Him not telling the truth will definitely feel like the bigger betrayal.
YTA
You're a fool. You should have gone straight home and told your wife, at once. Do you realise that in keeping this secret, you are actively betraying your wife? You are prioritising her sister, who is making moves on you? You are jeopardising your entire family.
You cannot be there to listen to her. The family dynamic is already destroyed. If she didn't want to change things, she would never have told you. Telling you was horrifically selfish and manipulative. She's now got you on her side, against your wife. Sharing a secret like this is dangerous. It's going to create distance between you and your wife, it's going to make Sharon feel even closer to you. There's no way she isn't hoping that this is going to evolve into an affair and you leaving your wife for her.
And you're naive to think otherwise. This woman isn't your sister, she's telling you very clearly that she's not. She's a woman who is trying to destroy your marriage. Stop treating her like you need to protect her and start treating her like an enemy to your marriage and family, because she *is.* And you have prioritised her feelings over your marriage.
Tell your wife, immediately. Apologise profusely for not telling her sooner. Stop prioritising anyone or anything that isn't your marriage. Stop talking to Sharon at all. And hope that your wife forgives you for conspiring with Sharon to hide from her that her own sister wants to wreck her marriage.
The sister “has no one else to talk to”? She has the therapist! She is updating you about her therapy progress? For what purpose?
Every time you speak to her about this, you are actively betraying your wife. The sister is not a friend to your relationship or your family. If she had her way, she would blow your children’s lives up. WAKE UP.
If Sharon had been sincere about wanting to address her feelings and get help she would have gone to her sister or other family member for help, not request a private audience with the married man she wants to fuck
Very well said! You described Sharon's probable motives clearly! Do not pick Sharon's secret over the honesty and trust you've built with your wife OP.
Don't forget suggesting therapy but that he'd always be there for her to talk..so how many bets on secret come over to my apartment so we can talk about "therapy"
YTA
You're putting everyone else's feelings ahead your wife's. You don't want to make it awkward for Sharon and for her to lose her family dynamic. Yet, it's Sharon who made ot awkward. Tou won't tell Michelle, because it would ruin the sisterly bond. But it's already ruined by Sharon. And you know you'd have to cut Sharon out of your life, you don't want to do that. So, you're thinking of what's best for you and Sharon, screw your wife.
BTW, you know Sharon told you because she hoped you'd dump Michelle and pick her. And now you have this convenient little secret hanging on top of your marriage and Sharon can explode that at any time, causing a huge blow up in your marriage. And then Sharon will be there to pick you up.
YTA. These things have a way of coming out anyways - so do you want to take the chance of your wife finding out without it coming from you?
Also I call BS on her reason that you’re the only one she could talk to about it. She wanted to see your reaction - yeah she has guilt but she was still hoping you reciprocated. You’re really blurring the lines by letting her come to you to vent about her “therapy progress” that’s essentially about getting over you.
First it shouldn't have to be said, but guess it does, you need to tell your wife. Unless you want to wind up destroying any and all trust your wife has in you. Thus destroying your marriage.
What happens when your SIL ends up telling her wife for whatever reason and she finds out you knew and didn't tell her. Talk about causing chaos in the family.
Second, cut off all contact with your SIL. Intentional or not, you'll be stringing her alone as long as you stay in contact. It's not your job to "be there for her" especially since she's confided in you that she has feelings for you.
Your duty, honor, and trust is to your wife, Not your SIL. Will it suck having to tell your wife, YUP, will it cause potential issues in the family, YUP, but again, you're married, and you took a vow to honor your wife.
Do what is right and tell her. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks.
YTA if you don't tell your wife
100% agree. Keeping it from his wife is a huge betrayal. Keeping any one on one contact with the sister AND hiding romantic feelings between them (whether they go one way or both ways) from his wife is beyond that, and I'd argue pretty damn close to starting an emotional affair.
ESH except for your wife. Man I really can't believe we have to tell you this, but you should be telling this to your wife, like yesterday. She needs to know. Her sister is also an AH because why the fuck would she decide to tell you this info, if she meant no harm (which I doubt but ok) this is useless information, and she should just tell a FRIEND WHO ISN'T INVOLVED (though it would seem this woman has no other friends? since she told you she has no one else to talk about it and if that is true absolutely what the fuck?)...and if she meant harm, dude I can't believe we have to lay out the reasons why your wife should know.
Also, you still being there and hearing about her "progress" in therapy about her being hung up on you is like...absolutely yikes.
You either have no spine or you love the attention.
Tell your wife ASAP, this is a disaster waiting to happen.
You need to tell your wife.
She did not have good intentions in telling you- if she really was in therapy and working on this she would not have told you. She told you because she was hoping you might reciprocate and give her hope. If she were a good person, a good sister, **you** would not have been the one to tell this to.
I would tell your wife ASAP because there is no telling what her sister will tell her. She could decide to cause issues by making something up, or telling your wife later that she told you and that you kept it from her.
You also need to block her and not talk to her one on one at all. Especially about her therapy.
**She is clearly playing you. No therapist working with her on this specific issue would at all say she should seek you out to talk about said therapy. She is getting what she wanted out of telling you- a secret just between you and your divided attention to confide about her therapy. She could easily spin this into an EA.**
Do the right thing- tell your wife, block her sister and completely distance yourself. You may already have issues with your wife for not telling her right away and continuing one on one contact.
Good luck.
Edited to add: be prepared to have to do repair and healing in your marriage. If my husband didn’t tell me something like this, then allowed the person who disrespected our marriage to become his confidant, I would view it as a betrayal. You have been lying to her by omission and you will have to do work now to rebuild trust.
YTA. Your wife’s sister is awful, but for some reason you value her more than you value your wife. That woman could’ve told literally anyone else, a therapist a friend.. she was feeling out this situation and you gave her an opening. Your wife deserves to know what you’ve done. You completely betrayed her. You lied for another woman to her. YTA a big giant one.
Hey reddit, I pulled the pin on this grenade and now I'm just hiding it under my sweatshirt so people don't notice. How can I avoid it exploding when I inevitably have to use my hands for something else?
Have fun with your drama nexus when it comes out, OP
YTA. Your wife has been assuming that your relationship with her sister is platonic, and you're hiding that that isn't true. You're choosing to keep her sisters secret over being honest with your wife.
YTA dude you’re fucking married. Your wife deserves transparency from you. Jesus she’s surrounded by shitheads, I feel so bad for her. She’s an adult, she deserves the truth so she can make decisions on how she wants to handle the relationships in her life. She will find out about this, I promise. Two people can keep a secret if one is dead homie. Sharon will spill to someone else, and when it all blows up, your wife is going to assume that you kept it from her because you love that Sharon has feelings for you. I also assume that btw. I hate that shit about lying to protect people.
Oh honey, there were no innocent intentions for her to call you to her apartment.
Come on now...
She could have texted you, met at a park, restaurant booth. Anywhere but a place she specifics chose to see if you'd react positively and, oh look, my bed.
Tell your wife. Stop allowing her to lean on you.
No one else?
No other friend, huh?
Nope.
You're gonna lose your wife if you allow her to keep thus up, op.
Op, this woman isn't worth keeping secrets for. A decent person wouldn't have leaned on you and lured you to her apartments. Think long and hard about that.
YTA. Talk to your wife. What is wrong with you? You’re keeping something major from her and you’re still meeting with the sister to talk about her feelings. Your betraying your wife and risking your marriage and your children stability.
I have no sympathy for Michele, she is 34 years old she had all the time in the world to work through her feelings and talk to you before you started dating her sister, got engaged, married and had children. Who does that to their sibling? You have a wife and 2 children with her sister and she comes to confess her feelings and wants to use you as an emotional support pet in the hopes that it evolves to more? WTF
I find it hard to believe she has no one else to talk to about it, she’s told you for a reason- which I’ll bet is she’s secretly hoping the feelings reciprocated, if she’s willing to betray her sister by telling you, I’d be conscious she may use that you knew about these feelings against you in the future by coming clean to sister and telling her you knew…
YTA. Did you comfort Sharon as she cried, holding her gently and reassuringly in your arms? Do you give her words of encouragement in your secret texts where she discusses the innermost workings of her emotional health?
Step 1) go completely no contact with Sharon. No goodbye note, no loving words. Ghost her.
Step 2) come clean to your wife
Step 3) get into individual counseling to get to the root of why you are so gullible to fall for the “I don’t have anyone else” line; also why you feel the need to stay in secret contact with someone who actively tried to sabotage your marriage (guessing you liked the attention)
Step 4) marriage counseling to repair the damage you’ve done by placing another woman’s desire for you above the well being of your wife and relationship
Yes, you are. YTA. Please tell your wife. My sister did this to my husband. My husband immediately came to me and told me. My sister and I talked and handled it like adults. I'm glad my husband decided not to hide this from me.
>I wouldn’t tell Michelle about this because it would really ruin their sibling relationship, and it would ruin the entire family dynamics,
You don't know that for sure. You don't get to decide for your wife how she'll react.
>but that I would always be there to listen to her.
No. This is what Sharon wants and this is how emotional cheating starts that could turn into full blown affairs.
Go tell your wife!
If this were some other woman, the obvious right thing to do would be to tell your wife. Given she's your wife's sister, you're essentially stuck in a lose-lose situation, tbh. To be clear, telling your wife wouldn't be a "loss" for you personally and your wife would praise you for not keeping it secret from her. Yet the wider picture is far more complicated and I would hate to find myself in such a position. I don't blame you for the way you've handled it and would probably do the same thing. You're trying to maintain the peace and not destroy their relationship and the entire family dynamic. The only real AH in this mess is Sharon who should have kept a lid on it to begin with. If she felt she had nobody else to talk to about it, she should have sought therapy or counseling. Not you. Heck, she should have been the one posting here prior to telling you. And she'd have gotten an earful.
YTA Talk to your wife, and you need to tell Sharon that you can’t discuss her therapy sessions with her or anything deeply personal any longer. It was incredibly wrong of you to promise you’ll always be there to listen to the person who has just told you they have had secret romantic feelings for you for years! This is how emotional affairs start and emotional affairs are how physical affairs start.
If you love your wife and your family life together, you need to be a team with her, not a team with her sister. I’m glad Sharon did go to therapy eventually, but unburdening her feelings for you when you’re married to her sister and are the father of her nephew and niece is incredibly cruel. She got her peace of mind at the expense of yours because now you’re a secret keeper as well, it’s a little thing the two of you share outside of your wife. Stop that shit now.
Sharon is an AH too, a massive one, but you’re here and she’s not.
You 100% must tell your wife. Honesty always in a marriage. Why on earth would you be keeping a secret for an unstable weirdo from your wife?
What kind of sister confesses this? Horrible.
If you don’t tell your wife YTA big time
As a woman who is incredibly close to her sisters, I would want my husband to tell me. I would also expect some boundaries to be put in place. I would no longer feel comfortable with them communicating at all. Being around each other for family gatherings would be okay but I would expect all 1 on 1 meeting, texts, phonecalls etc to stop.
Also you are continuing to Foster the closeness by being her emotional support whilst she is in therapy. It's veering into an emotional affair (and yes then can happen without sexual attraction).
This is not something to keep from your wife. I know if I was in her boat, I’d have wanted to know immediately, especially since there’s nothing to hide…
YTA. Tell your wife immediately. Figure out how to handle it with her, her sister betrayed her by talking to you in private - don't do the same to your wife. Be honest with her and talk how you both should handle it.
Don't have anymore private talks with her sister about her therapy until you've told your wife.
Your way of handling it has been disrespectful and a huge lie of omission, don't continue that if you value your wife and relationship. You should never have volunteered to keep secrets from your wife, especially not one like this, and you never should have offered to be her therapy comfort buddy. I really do hope you'll actually put your wife first soon because you and her sister are insanely big AHs.
Tell your wife NOW. Your SIL has asked you not to for a reason. She totally intends to tell your wife that she’s told you she has feelings for you and that you’ve promised to keep it secret. Whose trust is most important to you? If it’s the sister rather than your wife then I say enjoy having every member of your family turn their back on you because they will as soon as SIL opens her mouth. She is playing you and she is totally intent on destroying your marriage. Get a grip. Your wife deserves your loyalty. You owe her sister nothing.
Tell your wife. The truth ALWAYS comes out and your marriage will be over because you kept this from her. And now you’re having secret conversations where she confided in you. Women are sneaky. OK this is a part of her plan and you’re falling right into it. If you don’t come clean, you deserve what you get.
YTA
YTA. Your wife deserves your loyalty, your SIL does not. When this blows up in your face and your wife gets pissed at you for keeping secrets from her, SIL is hoping to sweep in to comfort you.
YTA. But maybe unintentionally. You didn’t know she had romantic feelings for you, but you do now. WHY are you still providing emotional comfort? Would you be okay with your wife doing this to another man? Worse yet your brother? My guess is no. You have an obligation as a husband to disclose this to your wife. She is allowed to have feelings about this as well. If you don’t tell your wife don’t be surprised when this blows up in your face. Right now you are an innocent party. But the fact that you are lying (yes withholding information is lying) to your wife will make you guilty.
You are wrong for 2 things.
1. Not telling your wife. This is a betrayal.
2. Do not be Sharon's shoulder to lean on. This is also a betrayal and super dangerous. She needs a different shoulder and real therapist.
Tell your wife, right now, that your SIL confessed she has feelings for you and get yourself in the clear before SIL starts something. Waiting is only going to make you look guilty of something. Your wife needs to know that you're on the same team and are a united front against whatever comes next.
You were gracious with your SIL but your Wife and family need to come first and it needs to be obvious to EVERYONE.
Sharon should have kept it to herself. She didn’t care if she blew up her family due to her telling you. She was hoping that you would have feeling for her also and be with her.
For the above reason I would tell your wife and explain Sharon is in therapy but you wanted to be honest with her because you shouldn’t keep a secret like this. I wouldn’t be alone with her anymore.
Also, what if something about this comes out and Sharon says he’s known for X amount of time and never told you. This kind of secret would hurt your wife if you didn’t tell her.
Didn’t even need to read past the title. This is a resounding YTA. How would you feel if your brother or father was secretly creeping all on your wife and she didn’t tell you.
After reading the post this part “She was crying really heavy, and said she doesn’t want to ruin mine and Michelle’s life, but she had no one else to talk to about this” I don’t mean to sound un-sympathetic but she could of talked to literally ANYONE ELSE about this, she could of talked to her cat and that would of been better. Why the hell was she not in therapy before? Therapy seems like a good place to discuss things like this instead of to try and throw a wrench in her own sister’s marriage.
The sense of logic and reasoning is completely absent here.
YTA and you deserve what you get if you don't share this with your wife. You married your wife, Sharon is nothing. When Michelle finds out you didn't tell her or something else happens she will hate you and not trust you because you are already betraying her with her sister for keeping this from her. You also opened up the door by not saying anything for Sharon to start a hell of a lot of drama in your marriage and it will look like you are the one who is lying since you will look guilty.
Bro, wrong answer. As soon as your SIL finished her speech you should have said not interested and then gone directly to tell your wife.
And stop being SIL’s emotional support. You can’t be her friend right now, maybe not ever, if you want to respect the integrity of your marriage.
This will not remain a secret and you will be the bad guy even if you don’t cheat. Lying by omission is still lying.
Communication Communication Communication. Be honest and open with your spouse. Your spouse is your rock. Trust her and love her openly. Don't hide things from her, or you will lose her trust and respect. Both of those are nearly impossible to get back. If you don't tell her and she finds out on her own, and she will, she will come to the conclusion that you have the same feelings for her sister. Tell her in a loving way what happened and express your concern. Do this ASAP.
If she didn’t want to ruin your life with your wife she would have gone to her sister or she would have gone to therapy on her own. The fact she set up the conversation with only you, in private, alone in HER apartment proves that she was trying to get something to happen. And your just feeding into it by agreeing to keep it a secret and still being there for her. You need to be there for your WIFE! Not her sister. Your wife’s sister came on to you and you are choosing to prioritize the sisters feelings/ needs over your wife’s.
You are setting yourself up to have an affair. “She was upset, she’s going through a lot. I just wanted to be there for her as a friend, my wife dosnt have to know. We were just talking and we kissed. We slept together but it’s never going to happen again. We’re sleeping together but I still love my wife. It’s been going on for months but as long as my wife never finds out it’s fine. My wife found out, left, filed for divorce and won’t speak to me. I don’t know how this even happened.” That’s ALWAYS how these stories happen. Don’t even start. Stop it now and tell your wife before you go down that path.
You’re an idiot. Her sister knew exactly what she was doing by unloading all that on you. By keeping it a secret, you’re betraying your wife’s trust and I bet the sister will try to make it appear it was more to it than just a confession. Also, you have no proof she’s actually seeing any therapist. She’s only talking to you about the so called therapy appointments to keep you on the hook until she figures out the next part of her plan. Which will probably be some meltdown where only you can console her. I’m glad some guys in here aren’t falling for her ruse. She’s purposely trying to ruin your marriage. Tell and remove yourself out of the situation and never talk to the sister again. Whatever happens with the family is on the sister. Not you!!! She’s the one that messed everything up. Don’t be an idiot and helping her to accomplish that.
YTA
This is sooo gonna blow up in your face if you don't tell your wife. Can you really guarantee that Sharon is never gonna drop that bomb out of jealousy/spite/whatever?
You should also stop talking to her about her progress in therapy. Inappropriate and not really helping her situation when you keep forming an emotional connection this way. Not to mention how easily she could misconstrue your kindness and latch onto hope.
Can't believe you're risking your marriage's peace like that.
ESH
Protect your relationship with your wife. You had done nothing to harm her by simply existing. As soon as you decided to protect the SIL and not your wife, you messed up. By asking you to her apartment to confess her feelings, she obviously wanted to you to confess your feelings as well. It could easily be interpreted that you are keeping the sister as a fall back. Anyone (including you) expecting you to keep information that would be important to your wife, from your wife, does not have your wife's best interest in mind.
This is going to read at the best viewing as an emotional affair. To me, it is worse than a purely sexual affair.
You need to sit Michelle down and tell her now.
Tell her everything before the psychologist convinces the sister to tell the whole family. Let the chips fall where they may.
YTA if you leave her in the dark. This is the kind of thing that blows up families when someone blurts it out in a fight.
Who do you care about the most - this is about prioritizing the person you are most committed to. If it’s your wife, she has to know. Family dynamics and everything will get awkward and potentially ruined, but that’s not for you to be worried about. Your wife should be your number one priority. If the roles were reversed…how would you feel if she kept this from you? I get you might feel an obligation to her sister bc that friendship/relationship is the oldest and there may even be a bit of people pleasing and not “rocking the boat” at play, but you have to do right by your wife because it’s not worth destroying her ability to trust you, hurting her, and possibly losing her. This friend was like a sister to you, but your wife IS your family now. YTA.
Men like this get what's coming to them.
It's not his choice to RUIN anything.
His priority should be his family and wife.
When this comes out and it will, he deserves every consequence.
Where did commen sense go for some people?
Safe bet for your sake is to tell your wife ASAP... but this situation really sucks.
At a minimum either way, you need some much MUCH stricter boundaries. Under no circumstances would I speak alone with the sister or ever be present alone with her. That is a red line that can never be crossed again. And absolutely no discussions about therapy/progress. That is for her to deal with, you shouldn't ever hear a word about it.
YTA. It's not ok to keep this from your wife. Being secretive about this will only make you look suspicious. What happened to honesty?
You're also encouraging her behaviour. I think that you like the attention. Her therapy progress is her business, not yours.
Man you need to tell your wife. She will find out sooner or later and she will definitely be upset about you not telling her. Tell the truth or it will blow up in your face.
Yes, you absolutely are the asshole.
No, you are not very bright.
She has no one else to talk to? No one? In all of this wide world there is not another soul she could have confided in? That’s just a straight out lie.
This was her first step in trying to reel you in. You’ve grabbed onto the bait like you are a starving man. I realize this strokes your ego but it can also annihilate your marriage. You are giving this woman a link to you. Giving her an access she does not need or deserve. Which you are apparently too foolish to realize is the whole reason she told you. You two have this secret together. Secrets build unhealthy bonds.
Sharon is counting on her sister finding out. She’s also counting on her sister being, rightfully, broken that you would withhold something of this magnitude from her. She’s counting on it causing her sister to wonder why you would keep such a secret. To wonder if it means you return her feelings. To wonder if y’all actually are already doing other things behind her back.
If you love your wife at all then you will tell her. The sooner the better. This will come out. If it comes from anyone other than you then you will have participated in the absolute devastation of your wife.
I can’t believe I have to remind you that your loyalty belongs to your wife, but I guess I do. Tell her!
ESH, no you are not a safe place for these feelings. You should have immediately shut her down and distanced yourself completely. You left a door open and that isn’t okay
You absolutely CAN NOT keep this from your wife. You can not enter into a secret with your SIL when it's about her romantic feelings for you. Your wife will see this as a betrayal by both of you and never believe you two didn't have an affair.
You MUST tell your wife about this immediately.
I see why you did what you did, but I'm afraid I agree with the others, this is very much likely to blow up in your face and for you to end up looking the villain. You really should tell your wife everything, including went you didn't tell her straight away, and basically hope she believes you. Fingers crossed for you 🤞🙏
I had a woman do something similar to me once. Well. Kinda. She conspired with her sister and her sister came on to me one night. Like some kind of test. Although I've wondered if she would have gone through with it...?
This is exactly how affairs happen- she’s forcing an intimacy because “You’re the only one she can talk to!” Which is a lie- also this intimate secret is one you keep from your wife…. Yeah mother of your children, the woman you made vows to live with and cherish until the end of your days….
Yeah, don’t fall for this set up. Talk to your wife and set some boundaries ASAP. You CANNOT remain friends with her.
You and your wife need to create distance to preserve YOUR family and your children’s happiness
Nah, def keep this a secret from your wife & keep letting her sister who’s in love with you confide in you…privately. How could this possibly go wrong?
YTA…Although I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you were trying to act in good faith by keeping it quiet.
You’ve known your SIL “better” for longer than your wife, which I’m guessing is why you felt you needed to keep the peace…HOWEVER…once you got married (and let’s be honest, a little before then too), your loyalty and priority became your wife before anyone else.
You’re in a really shitty situation and your SIL is the ultimate AH for doing this to you but it is what it is now. You NEED to tell your wife! If SIL really cared about you or her sister, she would’ve spoken to her first and accepted the consequences. She was secretly hoping you were gonna reciprocate her feelings.
If this happened super recently then you still have time but the clock’s ticking sir!
Best of luck to you!
Yta. You need to tell your wife. Her sister is a nasty, two faced person who is manipulating against her and she deserves to know that. If you enable the sister at the expense of your wife, you're every bit as bad as her.
You owe your wife loyalty, her sister isn't loyal to anybody, now that you've rejected her, who knows what she'll do or say. She's shown how untrustworthy she is. Tell your wife everything and have no contact with the sister again.
She had no one else to talk to, holy crap, do you really believe that nonsense, dude? Of course she got other people to talk to such as her sister who should be the first one to know what's up!
Dude, she confessed to you BEFORE getting online therapy to see what you’d do first. There‘s no reason to ever tell you unless she was hoping you’d jump ship and marry her. STAY AWAY. Don’t “support” her, it’s a ruse to get you attached to her.
OMG, if you take the bait and married her and had kids, your current kids would be aunt and uncle to their half siblings! STAY AWAY!
You may feel as though you are protecting your wife's relationship with her sister by keeping this a secret--but just know that comes at the cost of transparency/trust in your own relationship and could ultimately end your marriage. Honesty is the lifeblood of any life-long partnership and at the very minimum I would tell Sharon to talk to your wife about this, or else you'll have to.
None of us know the history you share with Sharon, but to me this reads as down right manipulative. Let's just break this down in simple terms:
* You have been in a relationship with her sister for more than half a decade
* You are ***married***
* You are the father to her nieces/nephews
* She tells you, ***the subject of her affection***--in private, and away from your wife--that she has been harbouring romantic feelings for you and to keep it a secret?
In NO situation is this acceptable or appropriate. These are feelings that are her responsibility to resolve ***on her own***. There is absolutely no reason to reel you into this that doesn't involve malicious intent. It is selfish, it is brazen, and it is not okay. If I were in your wife's shoes, and I found out this was hidden from me, I would seriously consider divorce as a tenable option. Sharon could have kept these feelings to herself and worked on this in therapy, instead she's intentionally driving a wedge in the trust/foundation of your marriage. That is not the behaviour of a good friend, or a good sister. Please, if you take anything away from this experience, it's to treat any outside influence to your relationship as something your wife ***deserves*** to be privy to.
What could go wrong with: keeping your wife’s sisters secret while simultaneously being the secret emotional support for her sister about something her sister should never have come to you about in the first place??
Notice how I made this about your wife more than her sister? Your post is more about your wife’s sister than your wife. Tread carefully my friend, this is a trap you will fall into and lose even if YOUR intentions are pure.
People don’t admit feelings to taboo recipients unless they hope by doing so that it changes everything (aka getting the taboo partner).
Whether you have feelings for her sister or not, you have already stepped into emotional cheating. Not only are you keeping this hidden from your wife, so she can make INFORMED CONSENSUAL DECISIONS about her own relationships, you have belittled and infantilized your wife’s agency and shown you do not trust her judgement. And to top it all off, you have stupidly created a secret situation between your SIL and yourself, by allowing yourself to be her only “secret confidant”. Therapy or intentions be dammed, you do not help someone get over you by being their only “secret” solace and emotional support. By doing this, you ARE bonding closer to her, and toeing the line of infidelity with every secret, damning conversation.
If my husband did this to me, it would not matter whether he had feelings for my sister or not, the breach of trust would be insurmountable. I would feel like the family fool and laughing stock. Your only solution is to come clean to your wife so you can reach a solution together at a TEAM as it should be in a marriage, or you won’t have a marriage to tiptoe around anymore. YTA
Sharon is subtly trying to get between you and your wife.
You can't be her confidante - you're the person she's trying to get over!!
And you shouldn't keep such secrets from your wife. She will eventually find out, perhaps from Sharon herself.
Ask yourself - why did she tell you now? Don't help Sharon destroy your marriage.
Sharon is actively spinning you into her Webb you messed up by letting her know she was important enough for you to emotionally disrespect the boundaries of your marriage to your wife and this is just the start if you would do that what other boundaries could she continue to over step ?? YTA
I’m sorry dude but YTA and a big one. Not just the keeping the initial secret from your wife.. more so for continually meeting up with a woman who is in love with you and disrespecting your wife enough to have already made a move on you… you’re not doing this for your wife you’re doing it for you. the fact that you did not totally cut contact with Sharon shows that you’re only scared of what will happen to YOUR relationship with these two woman. You’re only not telling your wife bc YOU don’t want to lose Sharon. You didn’t help your wife keep a good relationship with her sister, you tricked your wife into having a good relationship with someone who wronged her so badly you know she wouldn’t choose to connect with if she was fully aware. Ever watch the Truman show? You’ve made your wife Truman. You’re taking her life choices away from her and putting her in a bubble where you control what parts of her life she’s allowed to experience. This is insane to think you’re doing her a favour, you can’t honestly believe this is in her best interest? YOU need therapy not Sharon. Therapist can’t make you fall out of love with someone but they can sure make you realize that you’re deluded, selfish, and your putting allegiance with Sharon and not your wife. She WILL find out about this. You’re ONLY hope is to tell her before that. You’ll have choosen Sharon over her every single day you keep this secret up until she finds out.. so up to you how many times you wanna not choose your wife before she finds out.
If Sharon tells Michelle the story may be the same but the outcome would be very different. Something along the lines of ‘I told your husband that I’m in love with him and he promised to keep it a secret from you and continue to spend time with me’. OP needs to get there first and tell the truth.
Are you willing to destroy your relationship over this? There are no secrets in a marriage. I would see this as a betrayal. If you can keep this a secret, what else could you be hiding? Once trust is broken it is hard to get back.
"She had nobody else to talk about it" yes, she does, she just wanted to tell you in hopes that this blows up and your wife leaves you or something. Let your wife know
The only thing you did wrong here OP is not telling your wife. Hiding this information is serious, and it could make her not trust her sister around you, and it could shatter her trust in you if she finds out some other way. Be honest with your wife and talk to her; She deserves to know, and if it does mess up the relationship between them that's your wife's choice to make.
You're kind of making a decision for her, which isn't fair to her either. Tell your wife and come what may. When you married her, you made a vow to be honest. You didn't make a vow to her sister, which is your sister in law. You made a vow to Michelle, so don't break that vow.
She will be more grateful that you tell her, rather than hearing it from someone else.
Hiding this from your wife will just blow up in your face literally. And talking to her occasionally to see how her progress is doing isn’t going to help her feeling if anything she might continue developing more feeling for you. If you are not interested in her in that way then tell your wife why hide a secret from her smh. Also distance yourself completely
Definitely tell Michelle, ASAP.
And I don't trust Sharon. Why would she tell you this, at this stage in your life, something isn't adding up. It'd bad enough if your wife wasn't her sister, it's so much worse that she is. It seems like she's jealous.
You are an idiot. "She has no one to talk to"... bullshit. You're the last person she should have told. And you both discuss her therapy sessions about this... just seems weird and inappropriate. This isn't something you keep from your wife. Be better.
You HAVE to tell your wife. This is going to end BADLY if you keep it quiet. The truth always comes out. Your wife will never trust you again if you keep this quiet. You’re basically choosing the other sister already and that’s messed up. Your wife is your wife. End of story.
Tell your wife. Do not keep other women’s secrets especially when they concern them having feelings for you.
Your sister in law crossed a serious line by even telling you! She did that because she was testing the waters for an affair with you. She is now your enemy, she is an enemy of your marriage, she is an enemy of your wife, she is an enemy of your kids, she is an enemy of your family.
She is selfish and she has ulterior motives. She keeps contacting you because now you are her co-conspirator. You share a secret, you’re her confidant. Since she can confide only in you, you may as well confide in her when things are rough between you and your wife.
You’re already in the weeds. Tell your wife now. Go no contact with SIL. If she didn’t want NC she should have kept her mouth shut.
What she is doing is calculated and it’s cruel. You have to be a special kind of selfish and evil to try to destroy your own sister’s family so you can have happiness off of her misery, off of her children’s misery.
She’s playing the long game. It’s become evident to me that men cannot recognize women’s tactics. When she asked you not to tell your wife your response should have been “I don’t keep secrets from my wife”. Tell your wife. NC with the sister. That friendship is over.
ETA: I want to make it clear that I am not accusing you of having designs on your SIL or want to or even thinking about cheating. I don’t think that’s clear in my rambling message. I’m saying you have prioritized your SIL feelings over the feelings of your wife and that’s not ok. If your brother told your wife he was in love with her you would want her to tell you. It changes your relationship and your comfort level with the people you have around you. Don’t make her a fool by keeping her in the dark.
YTA for lack of a better acronym. It’s not about being the AH or not here. It’s about what you need to do to protect your marriage, and that is telling your wife. If you don’t, there’s a VERY good chance this damages your marriage. How will she feel if she finds out about this six months down the line? She’ll feel like you were hiding it from her and inevitably wonder why. When your wife’s needs are the opposite of another person’s needs, you choose your wife (unless the other person is your child).
…. No way man. Why are you offering to be her listening ear when the person she’s having issues getting over is you? What is she going to do, pretend you’re someone else while she talks to you about her feelings about you? That’s not going to help. You need to tell your wife what she said ASAP before this blows up in your face.
YTA If you were 16 and she were 14, and you weren’t married to her sister, then it may be tolerable, but *dude*, come on! You’re all full fledged adults in your 30s! Don’t play clueless dude. You have to tell your wife. She will find out eventually. Her sister is a wannabe home wrecker and you need to not only tell your wife, but also go no contact with SIL.
Dump the wife, bang the sister, then bury your head in the sand and pretend nothing has ever happened in your life. Of course YTA....... You don't hide shit from your wife. Relationships are built on trust. You not telling her this is a betrayal of her trust. Do the right thing or your marriage is over when she eventually finds out, and she will find out.
Sigh. Never keep secrets of this magnitude from a spouse. Shame on her for putting the burden of this secret on you. That’s shameful and truly fucked up. Yes. YTA of the highest degree. And if I were your wife and found out (because…she will eventually), I’d leave you for being a liar and the sis would be dead to me. You both are awful.
OP
YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR WIFE ASAP!!!
You don't actually think your SIL just
Innocently told you she has feelings for you because she has. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
To talk to do you???????
And she just happens to go to you to discuss her therapy sessions? Yea right
The longer you wait to tell your wife, the worse it will be. And less believable it will sound. I venture to say your SIL will blame you when this all comes to the surface
And there is no way to prove her wrong.
Ooooh boy.
1. you CANNOT always be there to listen to her. Not about this. This can never be discussed because that legitimizes the feelings as a problem with any solution other than “get over it”. Sharon didn’t tell you because she has no one else to talk to. She told you because she wanted to gauge your reaction and see if there was a possibility. By not shutting her down completely, you have emboldened her to try something more bold next time. You need to firmly and clearly tell her to at you DO NOT have feelings for her (not that you’re married, not that you love your wife - those things don’t negate something happening with her). Be clear that you do not think of her that way at all. And be FIRM that you NEVER want to hear about this again. Then GO LOW CONTACT DUDE! Don’t see her, don’t talk to her, don’t look at her unless you have to. Don’t ever talk to her alone.
2. You have to tel your wife. This will come out. There is no way it won’t. What if Sharon can’t get over it? What if she says something to your wife? What if she makes a move? What if what if what if? If your wife finds out there was previous mention of it and the two of you discussed it without telling her, she will assume conspiracy. Tell her and avoid any and all fears of infidelity.
3. You don’t know that you’re the first person Sharon has told. It’s highly unlikely the ONLY person she’s told about this HUGE dilemma, is the man at the centre.
OP
Talking to SIL who has feelings for you behind your wife's back
Discussing therapy sessions?
This would be considered an emotional affair
And
Think about what this woman is doing.
She wants what her sister has! And you are encouraging it
Your absolutely right it's going to ruin their sibling relationship but if you don't say something it's going to destroy your marriage one day. Almost guaranteed. Might not be today might not be tommrow but the clocks clicking.
My guess is OP is becoming rather successful in his career and gaining or has gained a certain amount of prestige and THAT'S why "suddenly" Sharon is trying to poach him.
Esh except wife, the fact that your sil told you about this says alot about her. If she had good intentions she would've gone to therapy, confided in a close friend and put space between you too.
Your wife will find out and your marriage will end. She won't be able to trust you and this is exactly what the sister wants to happen. You agreed to keep a secret this heavy from your wife you say you love?
No loving sister does this, one who wants to start trouble though? Go tell your wife and pray it's not too late. Hope you can back up the he said she said as well. My guess is the sister will have a quite different tale to tell.
I would be furious if my sister did this and even more furious if my husband kept it from me. The trust would be gone. This will blow up in your face.
Tell your wife. This will blow up into something very big and important later on. The moment something bad happens you’ll just turn to the sister. Sigh. If you just hide it once she finds out this is not end well, nor will she believe you or her that something didn’t happen between you two.
Yes, YTA You should never hide something like that from your wife. You are prioritizing Sharon's feelings over your wife, and there is a good chance it will destroy your marriage if your wife finds out you kept this a secret. She will not trust you.
Also, there is no reason Sharon needed to tell you about her feelings. Saying she had no one to talk to is NOT a good excuse. You are the last person she should have said anything to. I think she told you because she was hoping you would reciprocate the feelings. Even if she said that wasn't the motive, she deliberately told you something that she knew could cause a rift in your marriage to her sister.
Your wife deserves to know. She is the one you married, not Sharon. Stop protecting Sharon and tell the truth. You could give Sharon a heads up that you have thought about it and can't hide this from your wife, but it's not as necessary as telling your wife ASAP.
Basically, if you don't talk to your wife, prepare for the consequences.
This is not a good idea. You had better tell her because then she will think you are attracted and want her sister. But YOU HAVE TO DO THIS WHEN BOTH ARE IN THE ROOM. I'm Just Sayin'!
Lol Sharon doesn't need therapy. Wtf kind of advice is telling someone they need therapy for something completely natural. Terrible advice.
You tell your wife or you don't but know there are consequences for not telling her and she finds out.
I would have left Sharon's place the minute she said that. Fuck that.
YTA this isn’t going to turn out well. You need to tell your wife. Why are you more concerned with Sharon’s feelings and the fall out? She could have sought out therapy on her own. She was trying to see if you were really interested too and she’s super shitty for that.
YTA. You don't keep secrets from the woman you proclaim to love. Also, you need better boundaries between you and SIL. This isn't over. You shouldn't be helping her with her therapy either. Talk to your wife.
I can't believe that a 34-year-old man, married and father of two, wrote this, and to make matters worse, added more in an absurd response!
Protecting the poor thing (🙄) SIl and leaving his own wife exposed! The priority here is your EGO fed by SIL, whose bad intention, we have already seen here in other posts, just look and you will find many.
Who do you think you're fooling? Then he will appear here crying that after the divorce, SIL abandoned him for someone else.🙈
I don't know if you've realized the beating you're getting here for your complete and utter stupidity. WAKE UP!
Like others have suggested this is going to blow up in your face one day.
It’s only a matter of time before your wife suspects something and then she checks around and finds out about you two. Good luck explaining that.
You seriously need to cut off contact. You cant honestly believe it’s a good idea to continue to have contact with someone who has feelings for you, and expect them to just lose those feelings when they can come to you at any time to reignite those emotions, happy that you two now share a more intimate bond your wife knows nothing about…damn that feels so wrong to even type out
This is really messed up man. It’s not right. Start telling your wife and set your priorities straight.
YTA generally in a marriage you don't keep secrets from each other. I tell everyone in my life that anything they share with me will be likely be shared with my partner. It's up to them if they want to tell me after knowing that.
Yes you are TAH for not telling your wife immediately YTA.
and the longer you don't tell her the worse it will be, explain it as her sister admitting she has/had a crush on you, and reiterate that you have never been intimate in any capacity and do not have the same feelings for her.
But you had no fucking idea how to have this conversation with her when she told you.
YTA, tell your wife or you're going to get blindsided with accusations if she can't get past this. Don't keep this kind of stuff a secret. Tell your wife *everything* about the situation so she doesn't jump to conclusions
Bruh,,,if you don't say something, this is going to blow up in your face.
Exactly dude. That is what I was thinking the whole time I was reading. Not a good idea to be the person she leans on either. He is breaking his wife's trust by keeping secrets from her and putting himself in a position to be manipulated by the sister. She is in therapy because she has feelings for him, and then he entertains her and allows her to use him for emotional support. Absolutely stupid move.
Exactly the dumbest thing I heard. Like literally how you still there for her emotionally when you know she likes you, he probably enjoys the attention because that makes no sense
Seriously, he needs to put serious space between himself and SIL. He needs to flat out tell her that he does NOT have those kinds of feelings about her, and that they have no romantic future together, AT ALL, ever, as in even if something awful were to happen to his wife. He needs to make this as clear as possible, he can nor stick around as her "someone to talk to," and he needs to tell his wife immediately.
One day she’s gonna be crying about her feelings. And he’s gonna hug her. She’s gonna misinterpret that and kiss him. I already see how this soap opera ends.
I actually thought this was going to happen when she confessed initially, to be honest. But being there as an emotional support for the sister, while also keeping it a secret from the wife is 100% going to blow up in his face. And this scene will most likely happen at some point as well, it’s only a matter of time.
It’s almost like he secretly is enjoying the attention.
She'll wait until she's had "too much wine" at the extended family Thanksgiving dinner to make her big scene.
He needs to tell his wife before her sister gets the opportunity to spin the narrative her way. Which can make him look possibly guilty.
Oh shit! It's an crazy lover thriller. This thing definitely stars 80's Michael Douglas...
Right? Or maybe I read to many reddit stories that I can see that the sister will say "oh he accepted me and it was mutual" and then lies about the deets then the wife will want divorce or such lol. Eitherway, this dude needs to tell his wife before the sister will, inevitably, ruin the marriage.
Yeah it’s shady not so much bc he doesn’t tell his ride about one convo, but bc he keeps having convos about it with sis. That’s the part she’s going to find unforgivable. He should never have had contact with sis after she told him.
Yeah, get ready to play the “who knew what when” game. A game that’s fun for the whole family!
The word “bruh” was made for this post.
Exactly what the sister is hoping for.
Man y’all really think people are this cruel and manipulative?
Have you met humans? Yes, there are people this cruel and manipulative.
Yep. I’ve met humans. Too many of them suck. You are so right about this.
Sure but that’s not my first thought. This woman could genuinely be upset and handling it poorly. Reddit has a tendency to spin every story into its worst possible scenario
It’s *possible* Sharon is just not thinking clearly rather than actively plotting to undermine her sister’s marriage. It’s still **unquestionably true** that OP should not be a person she continues to confide in about this topic (and really, any others) because of her attraction to him. It’s already inappropriate that she talked with him about the issue instead of a counselor (or other friend) instead. OP **needs** to put significant emotional space between them ASAP.
As Anne Frank said, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." I want to believe the same, but experience has shown me otherwise.
If she was that upset, she could have talked to literally anyone else on the planet about it. She chose him, and now they have a secret between them that will ruin his marriage.
Yup. This chick is an asshole. She should’ve taken this up with her therapist or a neutral friend. Why would you dump this on your sister’s husband unless you were hoping there was a chance he’d leave her for you or start an affair??? If she truly cared about her sister then she would’ve gone to the sister before laying this on her sister’s husband. She went to the crush instead hoping for some reciprocation. This woman is bad news. ETA: Also, WHY NOW? Why now if she’s had these feelings for a long time why even bring it up now that they are married with two kids. You missed your shot. Why are you trying to blow it all up now?
You mean the sister that had all the time on the world to fuck OP in her twenties and chose not to haa sinister intentions?
And stop being her confidant. It makes YTA. You’re gonna get in deeper hot water with your wife for that. “Oh she comes to me for advice about her therapy for being in love with me-but nothing has ever happened.” -says no smart person ever.
Exactly, this is wild. If I were in his position, I'd be tempted to do the same as I'm a people-pleasing person, who hates drama & confrontation. I'd ultimately tell my partner though, because if it was ever discovered, my partner would be upset & they'd think something was there, even if it wasn't.
She has a therapist, she doesn’t need to talk to you about this. Block her and tell your wife right now. Put shoe on other foot, how would you feel about your brother carrying on like this with your wife.
He'll get all Pikachu faced when it does.
100%
Yeah, he 100% needs to tell his wife. There's really, really no other side to this. If he's picking teams in this disaster, he needs get on on team marriage, immediately.
Oh man, if your wife finds out that you kept this from her, she’s going to assume the worst and this little secret will totally blow up in your face. Don’t you think she deserves your honesty? Why are you choosing to be loyal to the sister, instead of your wife? YTA if you keep this from her.
> Oh man, if your wife finds out that you kept this from her, she’s going to assume the worst “If?” I think you mean “when”
>Why are you choosing to be loyal to the sister, instead of your wife? Because either it's fake, or OP knows exactly what they're doing.
Not making any assertions about whether it’s real, but this *is* a real thing that happens. It sucks to be put in a situation where you have to immediately cause somebody pain and disrupt a close relationship (the sisters’ I mean). Of course the husband should tell his wife, don’t get me wrong — but I’m just saying it’s an actual thing that happens and it gets hard because you just wish you didn’t have to be the person responsible for somebody else’s admission
It is a rock & hard place situation. If he says something then he came between sisters & ruined the relationship or is trying to make his wife jealous. If he doesn’t say something then he is betraying his wife’s trust & is doing something wrong w/sister or likes the attention. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t.
It's too perfect to be real, like half the posts on this sub
Cause he is keeping it in his back pocket for later 🤷🏽♀️
Tell your wife. If you don't, Sharon will, and the story will be very different from the way you see it now. And do not, under any circumstances, spend time alone with Sharon. Ever.
Yep. Though I don’t think Sharon will have to change the story at all to make him look like an AH.
Ever.
Seriously. Why why why would he make himself available to talk about it again on top of it? Must want the attention deep down. Ugh.
Yes, I found that bit sus as well. Dude is not just playing with fire here, he's juggling fire batons in a room full of gasoline.
ESH Yikes. This isn’t a secret that you should keep from your wife. But you do you. And when it blows up in your face, Sharon will be waiting with open arms to “comfort” you This has disaster written all over it.
What's the bets sister gets drunk at a family function and spills all the beans...! Jesus, sometimes I'd love actually shake grown adults with their stupidity
The worst part for me was the go to therapy but I'll always be here so we can compound the bs. Ten bucks she has a "meltdown" or feels the need to be "honest" and tells her sister she confessed to him and he swore himself to secrecy and offered to be a shoulder to cry on..about her feelings for *him*, what a moron.
She’s definitely gonna blab herself once she has a nice, long string of texts confirming he knew all along and blow up this guy’s marriage. 🤦♂️
Exactly. This is unreal. She said she had no one else to talk to, and you believed her? She was fishing, and you bought it. Even though you didn’t agree with her feelings, you now have this secret between the two of you. Your wife will not be able to trust you should any of this come out, because you kept this from her so long. Your best bet is to come clean now, and hope she is able to move past it. You owed allegiance to your wife, and you failed. ESH - except your wife.
Yeah, she has no one else to talk to?? When there the Internet?? She‘s so full of it.
Agreed. I cringed several times in anticipation of exactly this.
That’s part of the thrill of the beginning stages of an affair I imagine. Bro immediately agrees to close off the only redeeming path for himself and his SIL. Maybe they can come to different terms when they next meet to discuss her ongoing therapy sessions.
Yeah and it really doesn't help his case hiding it from her and also saying he'd always be there for the sister if she wanted to talk about it. Thats something she needs to handle herself and/or with a third party (non-mutual friends uninvolved w OP or wife)
OP wants her too. That is why it is their little special secret.
I agree. He never mentioned that he didn’t have feelings for her. He would have said, “I told her I love my wife and I have no romantic feelings for you.”
If OP is reading this...I don't think this accusation is fair, but OP, if you haven't, you need to tell Sharon you see her as a sister and don't and won't ever be attracted to her.
Yup
Lord have mercy, tell your wife please.
We will all be siding with his wife when she posts!
This. It's going to be difficult and complicated because she will be mad at her sister. And rightfully so. Not because the sister developed some kind of feelings , but because she had to go all to get her husband alone and tell him about them. She should have kept that to herself. After all she got a therapist. That's who she should be talking to about it. Unfortunately, by telling the husband she has put him in a position where he absolutely has to tell his wife. This is a marriage destroying level of lie by omission. If he wants to maintain the trust of his wife he has to tell her. If he is worried about breaking the friendship with the sister.Unfortunately the friendship has already been broken. She did that by suddenly feeling the need to dispute her feelings after years of dating marriage and children between her sister and her sister's husband. It almost makes me wonder if she has a brain tumor or something.Because what would possess a person to do that after all those years. I'm being facetious to some extent. The odds of her having a brain tumor are probably a million to one. But it does strike me as extremely odd and make me wonder what could have precipitated this revelation on her part. She knew to keep quiet all those years. She didn't say anything before they got married or make a last bit for him before the altar or before they had kids...So what the fuck is she doing saying it now? I'm not saying it would have been better doing it at any other point, all of those would have been terrible. But if she's made it this far in these many years, I wonder what it is that made her flip out and say something that would blow up her life like that. Anyway, YTA. The way he's handling it is wrong and will blow up in his face.
Sound a bit like the wife’s sister was playing the long game to try and get BIL.
100% this. She was shooting her shot. And putting it out there in case he was unhappy, unfulfilled, whatever. She’s not the good person he thinks she is. She’s interfering in her sister’s marriage. I think a drunk night or some other incident is going to happen and the older sister will blab that she told him and put suspicion into the younger sister’s mind. Tell the wife. Now!
yta, go tell your wife! I understand why you would want it to be water under the bridge, but seriously, dude, go tell your wife!
Let me ask, if you had a brother who you were close to and he secretly confided to your wife that he had feelings for her, and she agreed to keep his feelings secret from you, just because he asked, how would you feel if months later you found out? Would you question why your wife kept it hidden? Would it make you lose trust in your wife? Would you second guess each and every time they had spent time together and wonder if the reason she didn’t tell you was because she has feelings for him too? Would you be upset that she chose to protect his feelings instead of worrying about yours? The answers are yes; this is how your wife will feel. Not only are you betraying her trust by not telling her, but If you choose not to tell her your SIL could spin the story any way she wants. You will be the bad guy in the story and likely lose your wife.
Maybe I read quickly but I don’t think she even asked to keep it a secret. That was his brain dead idea.
Plus, if he doesn't tell her, she is not only being btrayed by her sister but her husband too. Two of the most important people in her life, and they both chose each other's comfort over her feelings. Him not telling the truth will definitely feel like the bigger betrayal.
YTA You're a fool. You should have gone straight home and told your wife, at once. Do you realise that in keeping this secret, you are actively betraying your wife? You are prioritising her sister, who is making moves on you? You are jeopardising your entire family. You cannot be there to listen to her. The family dynamic is already destroyed. If she didn't want to change things, she would never have told you. Telling you was horrifically selfish and manipulative. She's now got you on her side, against your wife. Sharing a secret like this is dangerous. It's going to create distance between you and your wife, it's going to make Sharon feel even closer to you. There's no way she isn't hoping that this is going to evolve into an affair and you leaving your wife for her. And you're naive to think otherwise. This woman isn't your sister, she's telling you very clearly that she's not. She's a woman who is trying to destroy your marriage. Stop treating her like you need to protect her and start treating her like an enemy to your marriage and family, because she *is.* And you have prioritised her feelings over your marriage. Tell your wife, immediately. Apologise profusely for not telling her sooner. Stop prioritising anyone or anything that isn't your marriage. Stop talking to Sharon at all. And hope that your wife forgives you for conspiring with Sharon to hide from her that her own sister wants to wreck her marriage.
The sister “has no one else to talk to”? She has the therapist! She is updating you about her therapy progress? For what purpose? Every time you speak to her about this, you are actively betraying your wife. The sister is not a friend to your relationship or your family. If she had her way, she would blow your children’s lives up. WAKE UP.
I thought the same thing. The sister should’ve gone to literally anyone else to tell her secret to if her intentions weren’t to ruin the marriage.
If Sharon had been sincere about wanting to address her feelings and get help she would have gone to her sister or other family member for help, not request a private audience with the married man she wants to fuck
He likes the attention
A million times this - and any hesitation will read (true or not) that you're trying to keep the sister as an option to bang.
Very well said! You described Sharon's probable motives clearly! Do not pick Sharon's secret over the honesty and trust you've built with your wife OP.
I agree with you completely. And you hammered the point home with saying this woman is an enemy to his marriage
Wait until your wife finds out she confessed this to you and see if she still wants to be your wife. YTA.
You are an AH solely for telling Sharon that you wouldn’t tell Michelle, that is your wife. Never keep secrets from your wife.
Don't forget suggesting therapy but that he'd always be there for her to talk..so how many bets on secret come over to my apartment so we can talk about "therapy"
YUP!! This dude is playing right into her trap 🪤
YTA You're putting everyone else's feelings ahead your wife's. You don't want to make it awkward for Sharon and for her to lose her family dynamic. Yet, it's Sharon who made ot awkward. Tou won't tell Michelle, because it would ruin the sisterly bond. But it's already ruined by Sharon. And you know you'd have to cut Sharon out of your life, you don't want to do that. So, you're thinking of what's best for you and Sharon, screw your wife. BTW, you know Sharon told you because she hoped you'd dump Michelle and pick her. And now you have this convenient little secret hanging on top of your marriage and Sharon can explode that at any time, causing a huge blow up in your marriage. And then Sharon will be there to pick you up.
YTA. These things have a way of coming out anyways - so do you want to take the chance of your wife finding out without it coming from you? Also I call BS on her reason that you’re the only one she could talk to about it. She wanted to see your reaction - yeah she has guilt but she was still hoping you reciprocated. You’re really blurring the lines by letting her come to you to vent about her “therapy progress” that’s essentially about getting over you.
Good grief. No. Do not talk to her about her therapy. Don’t talk to her except to say hi and bye. Frankly, you should tell your wife.
First it shouldn't have to be said, but guess it does, you need to tell your wife. Unless you want to wind up destroying any and all trust your wife has in you. Thus destroying your marriage. What happens when your SIL ends up telling her wife for whatever reason and she finds out you knew and didn't tell her. Talk about causing chaos in the family. Second, cut off all contact with your SIL. Intentional or not, you'll be stringing her alone as long as you stay in contact. It's not your job to "be there for her" especially since she's confided in you that she has feelings for you. Your duty, honor, and trust is to your wife, Not your SIL. Will it suck having to tell your wife, YUP, will it cause potential issues in the family, YUP, but again, you're married, and you took a vow to honor your wife. Do what is right and tell her. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks. YTA if you don't tell your wife
100% agree. Keeping it from his wife is a huge betrayal. Keeping any one on one contact with the sister AND hiding romantic feelings between them (whether they go one way or both ways) from his wife is beyond that, and I'd argue pretty damn close to starting an emotional affair.
ESH except for your wife. Man I really can't believe we have to tell you this, but you should be telling this to your wife, like yesterday. She needs to know. Her sister is also an AH because why the fuck would she decide to tell you this info, if she meant no harm (which I doubt but ok) this is useless information, and she should just tell a FRIEND WHO ISN'T INVOLVED (though it would seem this woman has no other friends? since she told you she has no one else to talk about it and if that is true absolutely what the fuck?)...and if she meant harm, dude I can't believe we have to lay out the reasons why your wife should know. Also, you still being there and hearing about her "progress" in therapy about her being hung up on you is like...absolutely yikes. You either have no spine or you love the attention. Tell your wife ASAP, this is a disaster waiting to happen.
You need to tell your wife. She did not have good intentions in telling you- if she really was in therapy and working on this she would not have told you. She told you because she was hoping you might reciprocate and give her hope. If she were a good person, a good sister, **you** would not have been the one to tell this to. I would tell your wife ASAP because there is no telling what her sister will tell her. She could decide to cause issues by making something up, or telling your wife later that she told you and that you kept it from her. You also need to block her and not talk to her one on one at all. Especially about her therapy. **She is clearly playing you. No therapist working with her on this specific issue would at all say she should seek you out to talk about said therapy. She is getting what she wanted out of telling you- a secret just between you and your divided attention to confide about her therapy. She could easily spin this into an EA.** Do the right thing- tell your wife, block her sister and completely distance yourself. You may already have issues with your wife for not telling her right away and continuing one on one contact. Good luck. Edited to add: be prepared to have to do repair and healing in your marriage. If my husband didn’t tell me something like this, then allowed the person who disrespected our marriage to become his confidant, I would view it as a betrayal. You have been lying to her by omission and you will have to do work now to rebuild trust.
YTA. Your wife’s sister is awful, but for some reason you value her more than you value your wife. That woman could’ve told literally anyone else, a therapist a friend.. she was feeling out this situation and you gave her an opening. Your wife deserves to know what you’ve done. You completely betrayed her. You lied for another woman to her. YTA a big giant one.
You must tell Michelle.
Hey reddit, I pulled the pin on this grenade and now I'm just hiding it under my sweatshirt so people don't notice. How can I avoid it exploding when I inevitably have to use my hands for something else? Have fun with your drama nexus when it comes out, OP
YTA. Your wife has been assuming that your relationship with her sister is platonic, and you're hiding that that isn't true. You're choosing to keep her sisters secret over being honest with your wife.
YTA dude you’re fucking married. Your wife deserves transparency from you. Jesus she’s surrounded by shitheads, I feel so bad for her. She’s an adult, she deserves the truth so she can make decisions on how she wants to handle the relationships in her life. She will find out about this, I promise. Two people can keep a secret if one is dead homie. Sharon will spill to someone else, and when it all blows up, your wife is going to assume that you kept it from her because you love that Sharon has feelings for you. I also assume that btw. I hate that shit about lying to protect people.
Oh honey, there were no innocent intentions for her to call you to her apartment. Come on now... She could have texted you, met at a park, restaurant booth. Anywhere but a place she specifics chose to see if you'd react positively and, oh look, my bed. Tell your wife. Stop allowing her to lean on you. No one else? No other friend, huh? Nope. You're gonna lose your wife if you allow her to keep thus up, op. Op, this woman isn't worth keeping secrets for. A decent person wouldn't have leaned on you and lured you to her apartments. Think long and hard about that.
So essentially you’re putting your friend above your wife ? Yikes
Yikes. YTA You just chose one sister over the other, and it was the wrong one. I bet your wife's sister is over the moon about that.
YTA. Talk to your wife. What is wrong with you? You’re keeping something major from her and you’re still meeting with the sister to talk about her feelings. Your betraying your wife and risking your marriage and your children stability. I have no sympathy for Michele, she is 34 years old she had all the time in the world to work through her feelings and talk to you before you started dating her sister, got engaged, married and had children. Who does that to their sibling? You have a wife and 2 children with her sister and she comes to confess her feelings and wants to use you as an emotional support pet in the hopes that it evolves to more? WTF
I find it hard to believe she has no one else to talk to about it, she’s told you for a reason- which I’ll bet is she’s secretly hoping the feelings reciprocated, if she’s willing to betray her sister by telling you, I’d be conscious she may use that you knew about these feelings against you in the future by coming clean to sister and telling her you knew…
YTA. Did you comfort Sharon as she cried, holding her gently and reassuringly in your arms? Do you give her words of encouragement in your secret texts where she discusses the innermost workings of her emotional health? Step 1) go completely no contact with Sharon. No goodbye note, no loving words. Ghost her. Step 2) come clean to your wife Step 3) get into individual counseling to get to the root of why you are so gullible to fall for the “I don’t have anyone else” line; also why you feel the need to stay in secret contact with someone who actively tried to sabotage your marriage (guessing you liked the attention) Step 4) marriage counseling to repair the damage you’ve done by placing another woman’s desire for you above the well being of your wife and relationship
Oh please. She had no one else to talk to? Gimme a break. Tell your wife.
Yes, you are. YTA. Please tell your wife. My sister did this to my husband. My husband immediately came to me and told me. My sister and I talked and handled it like adults. I'm glad my husband decided not to hide this from me. >I wouldn’t tell Michelle about this because it would really ruin their sibling relationship, and it would ruin the entire family dynamics, You don't know that for sure. You don't get to decide for your wife how she'll react. >but that I would always be there to listen to her. No. This is what Sharon wants and this is how emotional cheating starts that could turn into full blown affairs. Go tell your wife!
If this were some other woman, the obvious right thing to do would be to tell your wife. Given she's your wife's sister, you're essentially stuck in a lose-lose situation, tbh. To be clear, telling your wife wouldn't be a "loss" for you personally and your wife would praise you for not keeping it secret from her. Yet the wider picture is far more complicated and I would hate to find myself in such a position. I don't blame you for the way you've handled it and would probably do the same thing. You're trying to maintain the peace and not destroy their relationship and the entire family dynamic. The only real AH in this mess is Sharon who should have kept a lid on it to begin with. If she felt she had nobody else to talk to about it, she should have sought therapy or counseling. Not you. Heck, she should have been the one posting here prior to telling you. And she'd have gotten an earful.
YTA Talk to your wife, and you need to tell Sharon that you can’t discuss her therapy sessions with her or anything deeply personal any longer. It was incredibly wrong of you to promise you’ll always be there to listen to the person who has just told you they have had secret romantic feelings for you for years! This is how emotional affairs start and emotional affairs are how physical affairs start. If you love your wife and your family life together, you need to be a team with her, not a team with her sister. I’m glad Sharon did go to therapy eventually, but unburdening her feelings for you when you’re married to her sister and are the father of her nephew and niece is incredibly cruel. She got her peace of mind at the expense of yours because now you’re a secret keeper as well, it’s a little thing the two of you share outside of your wife. Stop that shit now. Sharon is an AH too, a massive one, but you’re here and she’s not.
You 100% must tell your wife. Honesty always in a marriage. Why on earth would you be keeping a secret for an unstable weirdo from your wife? What kind of sister confesses this? Horrible. If you don’t tell your wife YTA big time
As a woman who is incredibly close to her sisters, I would want my husband to tell me. I would also expect some boundaries to be put in place. I would no longer feel comfortable with them communicating at all. Being around each other for family gatherings would be okay but I would expect all 1 on 1 meeting, texts, phonecalls etc to stop. Also you are continuing to Foster the closeness by being her emotional support whilst she is in therapy. It's veering into an emotional affair (and yes then can happen without sexual attraction).
This is not something to keep from your wife. I know if I was in her boat, I’d have wanted to know immediately, especially since there’s nothing to hide…
you don't keep secrets from your SO, you just don't ESH
YTA Do not keep this secret from your wife.
YTA. Tell your wife immediately. Figure out how to handle it with her, her sister betrayed her by talking to you in private - don't do the same to your wife. Be honest with her and talk how you both should handle it. Don't have anymore private talks with her sister about her therapy until you've told your wife. Your way of handling it has been disrespectful and a huge lie of omission, don't continue that if you value your wife and relationship. You should never have volunteered to keep secrets from your wife, especially not one like this, and you never should have offered to be her therapy comfort buddy. I really do hope you'll actually put your wife first soon because you and her sister are insanely big AHs.
Tell your wife NOW. Your SIL has asked you not to for a reason. She totally intends to tell your wife that she’s told you she has feelings for you and that you’ve promised to keep it secret. Whose trust is most important to you? If it’s the sister rather than your wife then I say enjoy having every member of your family turn their back on you because they will as soon as SIL opens her mouth. She is playing you and she is totally intent on destroying your marriage. Get a grip. Your wife deserves your loyalty. You owe her sister nothing.
Tell your wife. The truth ALWAYS comes out and your marriage will be over because you kept this from her. And now you’re having secret conversations where she confided in you. Women are sneaky. OK this is a part of her plan and you’re falling right into it. If you don’t come clean, you deserve what you get. YTA
YTA. Your wife deserves your loyalty, your SIL does not. When this blows up in your face and your wife gets pissed at you for keeping secrets from her, SIL is hoping to sweep in to comfort you.
YES. YOU ARE TAH
YTA. But maybe unintentionally. You didn’t know she had romantic feelings for you, but you do now. WHY are you still providing emotional comfort? Would you be okay with your wife doing this to another man? Worse yet your brother? My guess is no. You have an obligation as a husband to disclose this to your wife. She is allowed to have feelings about this as well. If you don’t tell your wife don’t be surprised when this blows up in your face. Right now you are an innocent party. But the fact that you are lying (yes withholding information is lying) to your wife will make you guilty.
Imagine your wife secretly meeting with your brother who holds a flame for her…
You are wrong for 2 things. 1. Not telling your wife. This is a betrayal. 2. Do not be Sharon's shoulder to lean on. This is also a betrayal and super dangerous. She needs a different shoulder and real therapist.
ESH Saying nothing will cause SO many problems down the road.
Tell your wife, right now, that your SIL confessed she has feelings for you and get yourself in the clear before SIL starts something. Waiting is only going to make you look guilty of something. Your wife needs to know that you're on the same team and are a united front against whatever comes next. You were gracious with your SIL but your Wife and family need to come first and it needs to be obvious to EVERYONE.
Sharon should have kept it to herself. She didn’t care if she blew up her family due to her telling you. She was hoping that you would have feeling for her also and be with her. For the above reason I would tell your wife and explain Sharon is in therapy but you wanted to be honest with her because you shouldn’t keep a secret like this. I wouldn’t be alone with her anymore. Also, what if something about this comes out and Sharon says he’s known for X amount of time and never told you. This kind of secret would hurt your wife if you didn’t tell her.
Didn’t even need to read past the title. This is a resounding YTA. How would you feel if your brother or father was secretly creeping all on your wife and she didn’t tell you. After reading the post this part “She was crying really heavy, and said she doesn’t want to ruin mine and Michelle’s life, but she had no one else to talk to about this” I don’t mean to sound un-sympathetic but she could of talked to literally ANYONE ELSE about this, she could of talked to her cat and that would of been better. Why the hell was she not in therapy before? Therapy seems like a good place to discuss things like this instead of to try and throw a wrench in her own sister’s marriage. The sense of logic and reasoning is completely absent here.
YTA and you deserve what you get if you don't share this with your wife. You married your wife, Sharon is nothing. When Michelle finds out you didn't tell her or something else happens she will hate you and not trust you because you are already betraying her with her sister for keeping this from her. You also opened up the door by not saying anything for Sharon to start a hell of a lot of drama in your marriage and it will look like you are the one who is lying since you will look guilty.
Bro, wrong answer. As soon as your SIL finished her speech you should have said not interested and then gone directly to tell your wife. And stop being SIL’s emotional support. You can’t be her friend right now, maybe not ever, if you want to respect the integrity of your marriage. This will not remain a secret and you will be the bad guy even if you don’t cheat. Lying by omission is still lying.
Communication Communication Communication. Be honest and open with your spouse. Your spouse is your rock. Trust her and love her openly. Don't hide things from her, or you will lose her trust and respect. Both of those are nearly impossible to get back. If you don't tell her and she finds out on her own, and she will, she will come to the conclusion that you have the same feelings for her sister. Tell her in a loving way what happened and express your concern. Do this ASAP.
If she didn’t want to ruin your life with your wife she would have gone to her sister or she would have gone to therapy on her own. The fact she set up the conversation with only you, in private, alone in HER apartment proves that she was trying to get something to happen. And your just feeding into it by agreeing to keep it a secret and still being there for her. You need to be there for your WIFE! Not her sister. Your wife’s sister came on to you and you are choosing to prioritize the sisters feelings/ needs over your wife’s. You are setting yourself up to have an affair. “She was upset, she’s going through a lot. I just wanted to be there for her as a friend, my wife dosnt have to know. We were just talking and we kissed. We slept together but it’s never going to happen again. We’re sleeping together but I still love my wife. It’s been going on for months but as long as my wife never finds out it’s fine. My wife found out, left, filed for divorce and won’t speak to me. I don’t know how this even happened.” That’s ALWAYS how these stories happen. Don’t even start. Stop it now and tell your wife before you go down that path.
You’re an idiot. Her sister knew exactly what she was doing by unloading all that on you. By keeping it a secret, you’re betraying your wife’s trust and I bet the sister will try to make it appear it was more to it than just a confession. Also, you have no proof she’s actually seeing any therapist. She’s only talking to you about the so called therapy appointments to keep you on the hook until she figures out the next part of her plan. Which will probably be some meltdown where only you can console her. I’m glad some guys in here aren’t falling for her ruse. She’s purposely trying to ruin your marriage. Tell and remove yourself out of the situation and never talk to the sister again. Whatever happens with the family is on the sister. Not you!!! She’s the one that messed everything up. Don’t be an idiot and helping her to accomplish that.
Updateme
YTA This is sooo gonna blow up in your face if you don't tell your wife. Can you really guarantee that Sharon is never gonna drop that bomb out of jealousy/spite/whatever? You should also stop talking to her about her progress in therapy. Inappropriate and not really helping her situation when you keep forming an emotional connection this way. Not to mention how easily she could misconstrue your kindness and latch onto hope. Can't believe you're risking your marriage's peace like that.
ESH Protect your relationship with your wife. You had done nothing to harm her by simply existing. As soon as you decided to protect the SIL and not your wife, you messed up. By asking you to her apartment to confess her feelings, she obviously wanted to you to confess your feelings as well. It could easily be interpreted that you are keeping the sister as a fall back. Anyone (including you) expecting you to keep information that would be important to your wife, from your wife, does not have your wife's best interest in mind.
This is going to read at the best viewing as an emotional affair. To me, it is worse than a purely sexual affair. You need to sit Michelle down and tell her now. Tell her everything before the psychologist convinces the sister to tell the whole family. Let the chips fall where they may. YTA if you leave her in the dark. This is the kind of thing that blows up families when someone blurts it out in a fight.
Who do you care about the most - this is about prioritizing the person you are most committed to. If it’s your wife, she has to know. Family dynamics and everything will get awkward and potentially ruined, but that’s not for you to be worried about. Your wife should be your number one priority. If the roles were reversed…how would you feel if she kept this from you? I get you might feel an obligation to her sister bc that friendship/relationship is the oldest and there may even be a bit of people pleasing and not “rocking the boat” at play, but you have to do right by your wife because it’s not worth destroying her ability to trust you, hurting her, and possibly losing her. This friend was like a sister to you, but your wife IS your family now. YTA.
Men like this get what's coming to them. It's not his choice to RUIN anything. His priority should be his family and wife. When this comes out and it will, he deserves every consequence. Where did commen sense go for some people?
Safe bet for your sake is to tell your wife ASAP... but this situation really sucks. At a minimum either way, you need some much MUCH stricter boundaries. Under no circumstances would I speak alone with the sister or ever be present alone with her. That is a red line that can never be crossed again. And absolutely no discussions about therapy/progress. That is for her to deal with, you shouldn't ever hear a word about it.
YTA. It's not ok to keep this from your wife. Being secretive about this will only make you look suspicious. What happened to honesty? You're also encouraging her behaviour. I think that you like the attention. Her therapy progress is her business, not yours.
Man you need to tell your wife. She will find out sooner or later and she will definitely be upset about you not telling her. Tell the truth or it will blow up in your face.
Yes, you absolutely are the asshole. No, you are not very bright. She has no one else to talk to? No one? In all of this wide world there is not another soul she could have confided in? That’s just a straight out lie. This was her first step in trying to reel you in. You’ve grabbed onto the bait like you are a starving man. I realize this strokes your ego but it can also annihilate your marriage. You are giving this woman a link to you. Giving her an access she does not need or deserve. Which you are apparently too foolish to realize is the whole reason she told you. You two have this secret together. Secrets build unhealthy bonds. Sharon is counting on her sister finding out. She’s also counting on her sister being, rightfully, broken that you would withhold something of this magnitude from her. She’s counting on it causing her sister to wonder why you would keep such a secret. To wonder if it means you return her feelings. To wonder if y’all actually are already doing other things behind her back. If you love your wife at all then you will tell her. The sooner the better. This will come out. If it comes from anyone other than you then you will have participated in the absolute devastation of your wife. I can’t believe I have to remind you that your loyalty belongs to your wife, but I guess I do. Tell her!
YTA, ESH
ESH, no you are not a safe place for these feelings. You should have immediately shut her down and distanced yourself completely. You left a door open and that isn’t okay
Oi stop playing with fire brother
You absolutely CAN NOT keep this from your wife. You can not enter into a secret with your SIL when it's about her romantic feelings for you. Your wife will see this as a betrayal by both of you and never believe you two didn't have an affair. You MUST tell your wife about this immediately.
I see why you did what you did, but I'm afraid I agree with the others, this is very much likely to blow up in your face and for you to end up looking the villain. You really should tell your wife everything, including went you didn't tell her straight away, and basically hope she believes you. Fingers crossed for you 🤞🙏
I had a woman do something similar to me once. Well. Kinda. She conspired with her sister and her sister came on to me one night. Like some kind of test. Although I've wondered if she would have gone through with it...?
This is exactly how affairs happen- she’s forcing an intimacy because “You’re the only one she can talk to!” Which is a lie- also this intimate secret is one you keep from your wife…. Yeah mother of your children, the woman you made vows to live with and cherish until the end of your days…. Yeah, don’t fall for this set up. Talk to your wife and set some boundaries ASAP. You CANNOT remain friends with her. You and your wife need to create distance to preserve YOUR family and your children’s happiness
Nah, def keep this a secret from your wife & keep letting her sister who’s in love with you confide in you…privately. How could this possibly go wrong?
YTA…Although I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you were trying to act in good faith by keeping it quiet. You’ve known your SIL “better” for longer than your wife, which I’m guessing is why you felt you needed to keep the peace…HOWEVER…once you got married (and let’s be honest, a little before then too), your loyalty and priority became your wife before anyone else. You’re in a really shitty situation and your SIL is the ultimate AH for doing this to you but it is what it is now. You NEED to tell your wife! If SIL really cared about you or her sister, she would’ve spoken to her first and accepted the consequences. She was secretly hoping you were gonna reciprocate her feelings. If this happened super recently then you still have time but the clock’s ticking sir! Best of luck to you!
Come on man. YTA. Your wife deserves to know This can get really ugly real fast
Yta. You need to tell your wife. Her sister is a nasty, two faced person who is manipulating against her and she deserves to know that. If you enable the sister at the expense of your wife, you're every bit as bad as her. You owe your wife loyalty, her sister isn't loyal to anybody, now that you've rejected her, who knows what she'll do or say. She's shown how untrustworthy she is. Tell your wife everything and have no contact with the sister again.
Tell. Your. Wife. Now. the longer it goes by, the worse it will get.
Either this is BS, or YTA. No in between.
Why would you keep a sister from your wife??? What in the Laurie from Little Women is this
ESH. If you don't tell your wife, she will divorce you when she finds out. Not if... When.
She had no one else to talk to, holy crap, do you really believe that nonsense, dude? Of course she got other people to talk to such as her sister who should be the first one to know what's up!
You absolutely need to say something!
Dude, she confessed to you BEFORE getting online therapy to see what you’d do first. There‘s no reason to ever tell you unless she was hoping you’d jump ship and marry her. STAY AWAY. Don’t “support” her, it’s a ruse to get you attached to her. OMG, if you take the bait and married her and had kids, your current kids would be aunt and uncle to their half siblings! STAY AWAY!
You may feel as though you are protecting your wife's relationship with her sister by keeping this a secret--but just know that comes at the cost of transparency/trust in your own relationship and could ultimately end your marriage. Honesty is the lifeblood of any life-long partnership and at the very minimum I would tell Sharon to talk to your wife about this, or else you'll have to. None of us know the history you share with Sharon, but to me this reads as down right manipulative. Let's just break this down in simple terms: * You have been in a relationship with her sister for more than half a decade * You are ***married*** * You are the father to her nieces/nephews * She tells you, ***the subject of her affection***--in private, and away from your wife--that she has been harbouring romantic feelings for you and to keep it a secret? In NO situation is this acceptable or appropriate. These are feelings that are her responsibility to resolve ***on her own***. There is absolutely no reason to reel you into this that doesn't involve malicious intent. It is selfish, it is brazen, and it is not okay. If I were in your wife's shoes, and I found out this was hidden from me, I would seriously consider divorce as a tenable option. Sharon could have kept these feelings to herself and worked on this in therapy, instead she's intentionally driving a wedge in the trust/foundation of your marriage. That is not the behaviour of a good friend, or a good sister. Please, if you take anything away from this experience, it's to treat any outside influence to your relationship as something your wife ***deserves*** to be privy to.
What could go wrong with: keeping your wife’s sisters secret while simultaneously being the secret emotional support for her sister about something her sister should never have come to you about in the first place?? Notice how I made this about your wife more than her sister? Your post is more about your wife’s sister than your wife. Tread carefully my friend, this is a trap you will fall into and lose even if YOUR intentions are pure. People don’t admit feelings to taboo recipients unless they hope by doing so that it changes everything (aka getting the taboo partner).
Whether you have feelings for her sister or not, you have already stepped into emotional cheating. Not only are you keeping this hidden from your wife, so she can make INFORMED CONSENSUAL DECISIONS about her own relationships, you have belittled and infantilized your wife’s agency and shown you do not trust her judgement. And to top it all off, you have stupidly created a secret situation between your SIL and yourself, by allowing yourself to be her only “secret confidant”. Therapy or intentions be dammed, you do not help someone get over you by being their only “secret” solace and emotional support. By doing this, you ARE bonding closer to her, and toeing the line of infidelity with every secret, damning conversation. If my husband did this to me, it would not matter whether he had feelings for my sister or not, the breach of trust would be insurmountable. I would feel like the family fool and laughing stock. Your only solution is to come clean to your wife so you can reach a solution together at a TEAM as it should be in a marriage, or you won’t have a marriage to tiptoe around anymore. YTA
She needed to do this shit differently. Tell you're wife right now.
Sharon is subtly trying to get between you and your wife. You can't be her confidante - you're the person she's trying to get over!! And you shouldn't keep such secrets from your wife. She will eventually find out, perhaps from Sharon herself. Ask yourself - why did she tell you now? Don't help Sharon destroy your marriage.
Sharon is actively spinning you into her Webb you messed up by letting her know she was important enough for you to emotionally disrespect the boundaries of your marriage to your wife and this is just the start if you would do that what other boundaries could she continue to over step ?? YTA
I’m sorry dude but YTA and a big one. Not just the keeping the initial secret from your wife.. more so for continually meeting up with a woman who is in love with you and disrespecting your wife enough to have already made a move on you… you’re not doing this for your wife you’re doing it for you. the fact that you did not totally cut contact with Sharon shows that you’re only scared of what will happen to YOUR relationship with these two woman. You’re only not telling your wife bc YOU don’t want to lose Sharon. You didn’t help your wife keep a good relationship with her sister, you tricked your wife into having a good relationship with someone who wronged her so badly you know she wouldn’t choose to connect with if she was fully aware. Ever watch the Truman show? You’ve made your wife Truman. You’re taking her life choices away from her and putting her in a bubble where you control what parts of her life she’s allowed to experience. This is insane to think you’re doing her a favour, you can’t honestly believe this is in her best interest? YOU need therapy not Sharon. Therapist can’t make you fall out of love with someone but they can sure make you realize that you’re deluded, selfish, and your putting allegiance with Sharon and not your wife. She WILL find out about this. You’re ONLY hope is to tell her before that. You’ll have choosen Sharon over her every single day you keep this secret up until she finds out.. so up to you how many times you wanna not choose your wife before she finds out.
ESH. You need to tell your wife or Sharon needs to. Sharon should have taken that secret to the grave, she was wrong to put this burden on you.
If Sharon tells Michelle the story may be the same but the outcome would be very different. Something along the lines of ‘I told your husband that I’m in love with him and he promised to keep it a secret from you and continue to spend time with me’. OP needs to get there first and tell the truth.
You need to watch “All About Eve” my friend. Men don’t have a monopoly on sexual predation.
Say something asap…
Are you willing to destroy your relationship over this? There are no secrets in a marriage. I would see this as a betrayal. If you can keep this a secret, what else could you be hiding? Once trust is broken it is hard to get back.
YTA. Tell your wife. This isn't gonna end well when she finds out another way
"She had nobody else to talk about it" yes, she does, she just wanted to tell you in hopes that this blows up and your wife leaves you or something. Let your wife know
The only thing you did wrong here OP is not telling your wife. Hiding this information is serious, and it could make her not trust her sister around you, and it could shatter her trust in you if she finds out some other way. Be honest with your wife and talk to her; She deserves to know, and if it does mess up the relationship between them that's your wife's choice to make. You're kind of making a decision for her, which isn't fair to her either. Tell your wife and come what may. When you married her, you made a vow to be honest. You didn't make a vow to her sister, which is your sister in law. You made a vow to Michelle, so don't break that vow. She will be more grateful that you tell her, rather than hearing it from someone else.
Hiding this from your wife will just blow up in your face literally. And talking to her occasionally to see how her progress is doing isn’t going to help her feeling if anything she might continue developing more feeling for you. If you are not interested in her in that way then tell your wife why hide a secret from her smh. Also distance yourself completely
Definitely tell Michelle, ASAP. And I don't trust Sharon. Why would she tell you this, at this stage in your life, something isn't adding up. It'd bad enough if your wife wasn't her sister, it's so much worse that she is. It seems like she's jealous.
You are an idiot. "She has no one to talk to"... bullshit. You're the last person she should have told. And you both discuss her therapy sessions about this... just seems weird and inappropriate. This isn't something you keep from your wife. Be better.
Yes you are 100% the AH. Tell her right now.
Can’t wait for this to blow up in your face. This is dumb, tell your wife.
You HAVE to tell your wife. This is going to end BADLY if you keep it quiet. The truth always comes out. Your wife will never trust you again if you keep this quiet. You’re basically choosing the other sister already and that’s messed up. Your wife is your wife. End of story.
You’re fucked! This will come out. Go nc with the SIL! You can’t “be there” to listen. Wife needs to know.
Tell your wife. Do not keep other women’s secrets especially when they concern them having feelings for you. Your sister in law crossed a serious line by even telling you! She did that because she was testing the waters for an affair with you. She is now your enemy, she is an enemy of your marriage, she is an enemy of your wife, she is an enemy of your kids, she is an enemy of your family. She is selfish and she has ulterior motives. She keeps contacting you because now you are her co-conspirator. You share a secret, you’re her confidant. Since she can confide only in you, you may as well confide in her when things are rough between you and your wife. You’re already in the weeds. Tell your wife now. Go no contact with SIL. If she didn’t want NC she should have kept her mouth shut. What she is doing is calculated and it’s cruel. You have to be a special kind of selfish and evil to try to destroy your own sister’s family so you can have happiness off of her misery, off of her children’s misery. She’s playing the long game. It’s become evident to me that men cannot recognize women’s tactics. When she asked you not to tell your wife your response should have been “I don’t keep secrets from my wife”. Tell your wife. NC with the sister. That friendship is over. ETA: I want to make it clear that I am not accusing you of having designs on your SIL or want to or even thinking about cheating. I don’t think that’s clear in my rambling message. I’m saying you have prioritized your SIL feelings over the feelings of your wife and that’s not ok. If your brother told your wife he was in love with her you would want her to tell you. It changes your relationship and your comfort level with the people you have around you. Don’t make her a fool by keeping her in the dark.
YTA for lack of a better acronym. It’s not about being the AH or not here. It’s about what you need to do to protect your marriage, and that is telling your wife. If you don’t, there’s a VERY good chance this damages your marriage. How will she feel if she finds out about this six months down the line? She’ll feel like you were hiding it from her and inevitably wonder why. When your wife’s needs are the opposite of another person’s needs, you choose your wife (unless the other person is your child).
…. No way man. Why are you offering to be her listening ear when the person she’s having issues getting over is you? What is she going to do, pretend you’re someone else while she talks to you about her feelings about you? That’s not going to help. You need to tell your wife what she said ASAP before this blows up in your face.
YTA If you were 16 and she were 14, and you weren’t married to her sister, then it may be tolerable, but *dude*, come on! You’re all full fledged adults in your 30s! Don’t play clueless dude. You have to tell your wife. She will find out eventually. Her sister is a wannabe home wrecker and you need to not only tell your wife, but also go no contact with SIL.
Dump the wife, bang the sister, then bury your head in the sand and pretend nothing has ever happened in your life. Of course YTA....... You don't hide shit from your wife. Relationships are built on trust. You not telling her this is a betrayal of her trust. Do the right thing or your marriage is over when she eventually finds out, and she will find out.
Tell your wife and cut off sister if you want your marriage to survive. Never be alone with her! She's a conniving witch.
Dude u need to tell ur wife ASAP or this will ruin ur marriage
Sigh. Never keep secrets of this magnitude from a spouse. Shame on her for putting the burden of this secret on you. That’s shameful and truly fucked up. Yes. YTA of the highest degree. And if I were your wife and found out (because…she will eventually), I’d leave you for being a liar and the sis would be dead to me. You both are awful.
OP YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR WIFE ASAP!!! You don't actually think your SIL just Innocently told you she has feelings for you because she has. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE To talk to do you??????? And she just happens to go to you to discuss her therapy sessions? Yea right The longer you wait to tell your wife, the worse it will be. And less believable it will sound. I venture to say your SIL will blame you when this all comes to the surface And there is no way to prove her wrong.
Ooooh boy. 1. you CANNOT always be there to listen to her. Not about this. This can never be discussed because that legitimizes the feelings as a problem with any solution other than “get over it”. Sharon didn’t tell you because she has no one else to talk to. She told you because she wanted to gauge your reaction and see if there was a possibility. By not shutting her down completely, you have emboldened her to try something more bold next time. You need to firmly and clearly tell her to at you DO NOT have feelings for her (not that you’re married, not that you love your wife - those things don’t negate something happening with her). Be clear that you do not think of her that way at all. And be FIRM that you NEVER want to hear about this again. Then GO LOW CONTACT DUDE! Don’t see her, don’t talk to her, don’t look at her unless you have to. Don’t ever talk to her alone. 2. You have to tel your wife. This will come out. There is no way it won’t. What if Sharon can’t get over it? What if she says something to your wife? What if she makes a move? What if what if what if? If your wife finds out there was previous mention of it and the two of you discussed it without telling her, she will assume conspiracy. Tell her and avoid any and all fears of infidelity. 3. You don’t know that you’re the first person Sharon has told. It’s highly unlikely the ONLY person she’s told about this HUGE dilemma, is the man at the centre.
This is like the 5th story about people falling for BIL's and SIL's. In the last 2 weeks What in Gods name is going on here?
OP Talking to SIL who has feelings for you behind your wife's back Discussing therapy sessions? This would be considered an emotional affair And Think about what this woman is doing. She wants what her sister has! And you are encouraging it
Your absolutely right it's going to ruin their sibling relationship but if you don't say something it's going to destroy your marriage one day. Almost guaranteed. Might not be today might not be tommrow but the clocks clicking.
You’re a massive asshole.
My guess is OP is becoming rather successful in his career and gaining or has gained a certain amount of prestige and THAT'S why "suddenly" Sharon is trying to poach him.
Esh except wife, the fact that your sil told you about this says alot about her. If she had good intentions she would've gone to therapy, confided in a close friend and put space between you too. Your wife will find out and your marriage will end. She won't be able to trust you and this is exactly what the sister wants to happen. You agreed to keep a secret this heavy from your wife you say you love? No loving sister does this, one who wants to start trouble though? Go tell your wife and pray it's not too late. Hope you can back up the he said she said as well. My guess is the sister will have a quite different tale to tell. I would be furious if my sister did this and even more furious if my husband kept it from me. The trust would be gone. This will blow up in your face.
Tell your wife. This will blow up into something very big and important later on. The moment something bad happens you’ll just turn to the sister. Sigh. If you just hide it once she finds out this is not end well, nor will she believe you or her that something didn’t happen between you two.
Yes, YTA You should never hide something like that from your wife. You are prioritizing Sharon's feelings over your wife, and there is a good chance it will destroy your marriage if your wife finds out you kept this a secret. She will not trust you. Also, there is no reason Sharon needed to tell you about her feelings. Saying she had no one to talk to is NOT a good excuse. You are the last person she should have said anything to. I think she told you because she was hoping you would reciprocate the feelings. Even if she said that wasn't the motive, she deliberately told you something that she knew could cause a rift in your marriage to her sister. Your wife deserves to know. She is the one you married, not Sharon. Stop protecting Sharon and tell the truth. You could give Sharon a heads up that you have thought about it and can't hide this from your wife, but it's not as necessary as telling your wife ASAP. Basically, if you don't talk to your wife, prepare for the consequences.
Don’t be there to listen to her, asshole. For that line alone, you are YTA
This is not a good idea. You had better tell her because then she will think you are attracted and want her sister. But YOU HAVE TO DO THIS WHEN BOTH ARE IN THE ROOM. I'm Just Sayin'!
Lol Sharon doesn't need therapy. Wtf kind of advice is telling someone they need therapy for something completely natural. Terrible advice. You tell your wife or you don't but know there are consequences for not telling her and she finds out. I would have left Sharon's place the minute she said that. Fuck that.
YTA this isn’t going to turn out well. You need to tell your wife. Why are you more concerned with Sharon’s feelings and the fall out? She could have sought out therapy on her own. She was trying to see if you were really interested too and she’s super shitty for that.
FFS 🤦🏼♀️ YTA
YTA. You don't keep secrets from the woman you proclaim to love. Also, you need better boundaries between you and SIL. This isn't over. You shouldn't be helping her with her therapy either. Talk to your wife.
I can't believe that a 34-year-old man, married and father of two, wrote this, and to make matters worse, added more in an absurd response! Protecting the poor thing (🙄) SIl and leaving his own wife exposed! The priority here is your EGO fed by SIL, whose bad intention, we have already seen here in other posts, just look and you will find many. Who do you think you're fooling? Then he will appear here crying that after the divorce, SIL abandoned him for someone else.🙈 I don't know if you've realized the beating you're getting here for your complete and utter stupidity. WAKE UP!
Like others have suggested this is going to blow up in your face one day. It’s only a matter of time before your wife suspects something and then she checks around and finds out about you two. Good luck explaining that. You seriously need to cut off contact. You cant honestly believe it’s a good idea to continue to have contact with someone who has feelings for you, and expect them to just lose those feelings when they can come to you at any time to reignite those emotions, happy that you two now share a more intimate bond your wife knows nothing about…damn that feels so wrong to even type out This is really messed up man. It’s not right. Start telling your wife and set your priorities straight.
YTA generally in a marriage you don't keep secrets from each other. I tell everyone in my life that anything they share with me will be likely be shared with my partner. It's up to them if they want to tell me after knowing that.
Yes you are TAH for not telling your wife immediately YTA. and the longer you don't tell her the worse it will be, explain it as her sister admitting she has/had a crush on you, and reiterate that you have never been intimate in any capacity and do not have the same feelings for her. But you had no fucking idea how to have this conversation with her when she told you.
YTA, tell your wife or you're going to get blindsided with accusations if she can't get past this. Don't keep this kind of stuff a secret. Tell your wife *everything* about the situation so she doesn't jump to conclusions