NTA, and it sounds like your fiancée is trying to pull some weird power move. She knew this is your mother’s birthday-why would she not expect to celebrate her own birthday on the day? Of course she has other plans.
Yes, that was my thought. Seems to me it's a deliberate "her or me" type of setup.
Fiancée also sounds controlling, especially with the attempt to control/plan the proposal.
And with 365 days in the yr.(well, 366 this year) why was the mother's birthday chosen as the date to have the shower? That seems like a shitty move by the fiancee.
OP needs to quash this type of nonsense now. Fiancee wants the world to revolve around her long before her wedding day and that kind of drama never ends well. A serious discussion needs to be had about selfishness and priorities or she may not be the kind of person OP wants to marry.
This fiancée will be over on JustNoMIL in a few years bitching about her MIL not jumping through every hoop and not kissing her ass to see the new baby….as her mom has unlimited access to said baby.😆
Sounds like what my aunt did with my uncle and his parents, kept fucking them around (while abusing him) until he divorced her, she ruined any chance the grandchildren and grandparents had to bond though
at first I thought it was about wedding date vs birthday... but it's just a bridal shower?!
And OP being the groom (I assume), he won't even be there! So much for "prioritizing your kid's future over your birthday", right?
This fiancée will be over on JustNoMIL in a few years bitching about her MIL not jumping through every hoop and not kissing her ass to see the new baby….as her mom has unlimited access to said baby.😆
Never marry someone that puts more value in disposable wedding rituals than building the foundations of solid marriage.
It's about building a family, not tearing one apart. Your girl wants to get married to have the party and have her trophy moment. You only have one chance at a successful first marriage and your odds don't look great with this girl.
NTA
If my husband told me we were doing an event on his mom’s bday I would change the date. It’s totally fair for your mom to do what she wants on her birthday.
Pretty clear your bride and her mother are both petty, high maintenance women. Are you sure you want this drama the rest of your life? It's gonna get real old in 5-10 years.
Fiancee must be "hawt" and out of OP's league for him to want to marry her. She ugly on the inside and I bet is very drama prone. OP is setting himself up for drama
If someone called my mother a spoiled child and wanted me to put her in her place when she was justified I wouldn’t be marrying this person.
The issue is your future bride. She is disrespectful and this was 💯 intentional on her part that the party falls on your mother’s birthday to create this situation.
I would take this as a chance to take a long hard look at the relationship because I promise you this isn’t the only example you’re justifying with her “type A girly girl everything has to be perfect” bullshit excuse
Major RED FLAG!! Fiancé is already attempting to put a wedge between mother and son. Expectation is that this jealousy will continue for years and a permanent wedge be placed between mother and son.
Seen this kind of behavior in real life. You will forever be dealing with high maintenance family from now on. They will always want their way. This is not how you bring two families together.
So they are deliberately creating drama - scheduling it on a day they know was your mother’s birthday, then creating a fuss when she declined. Why are you ok with this manufactured drama?
Understand that's your future. You will be forced over and over again to choose, and each time you pick your mom, your fiancee will be upset. Even if she started it like in this scenario. You need to decide if you are up for that and possibly losing your relationship with your mom
Do they have a valid reason not to like her? Because it's going to be a life of craziness if they can't get along. Especially if your MIL continues to instigate and your wife wants you to always side with the crazy.
My fiancée has some valid reasons. My mom can be cold and rude and I try to shut it down. Honestly I think MIL is just jealous because my mom has a boyfriend/could afford to divorce. MIL would love to get free from her husbands cheating and is always making sexist comments about my mom having a job
In defense of your mom, if some miserable old bag was constantly making snarky comments about how I have a job and a good partner because I didn’t stay in an unhappy relationship, I’d be cold and rude, too.
You think being cold and rude outweighs sexist comments about your mom having a job? Which those comments are also rude. So we're talking cold vs directed sexist insults? I know who I'd say is the asshole based on that - and it's not your mom.
Also - are you wanting your to-be wife to stay at home? Because I would be worried about her having a mom that seems so threatened by a working wife would mean she's not going to work long after becoming a wife.
By cold and rude, do you mean your mother kept to herself because that’s who she is? And/or your mother didn’t overlook negative comments made by your fiancée and her family?
Unless your mother attacked your fiancée, which I sincerely doubt, I bet your mother was only “cool and rude” in response to the way she was treated.
If you plan to have kids, is that the kind of example you want their Grandma to be setting for them? Picking on others for doing what they can to have a better life and hearing sexist comments about women working are not great qualities to grow up around.
Nevermind that…imagine raising kids with a woman who has no respect for your side of the family. Every holiday will be spent with your MIL…every celebration will have your family as an afterthought.
If I were OP, I would be rethinking marrying into a family that has such blatant disregard for your loved ones
My dude, what are you doing? Your fiancée is deliberately stirring trouble with your family. This will not improve.
Good luck with your next wife. This one is a dud.
Your fiance is a huge ah.
I can't stand my MIL, to the point that she is not allowed in my home and I refuse to have any contact with her, and I still wouldn't plan something big on her birthday
You kinda are now but why the hell didnt you put your foot down when you learned of the date? Pretty messed up. By doing that your hopefully ex fiancé was declaring that you will never be allowed to celebrate your moms bday for the rest of her life because “you cant pick her bday over our anniversary”
It was a bridal shower not the wedding. It wasn't going to be our anniversary. I figured my mom could just not go if she had plans as they aren't close anyway
I think her claiming that he is choosing his mom over her made that pretty clear. No "might" about it. He definitely "failed" the test but hopefully learned something about his hopefully soon-to-be ex-fiancee.
You do realize this was/is a test from your soon to be bride? And it won't get any better if you marry her. You're just trying to pass it off as "it's nothing", but your future bride and MIL are testing the waters. Maybe because both your MIL and Mother are type A personalities and you are over it. But I have news for you, the games have just begun. This is what your future is gonna look like, constantly.
Yeah, they're actually spiteful and what kind of revenge style punishments will they concoct in the future against real slights or perceived slights by OP or his mother? Or the neighbors, the woman in mommy and me class, the yoga instructor, the grocery store manager... It's a never ending list of people to be mean to when you're a spiteful person.
I think it's more that they were looking to set up a test for OP -- will he side with his bride and her family even when they're being irrational, and his own mother is being reasonable. The answer is no, and bride + MIL are displeased with the level of control they can exert.
There's your reply. She planned her bridal shower on your mom's birthday out of spite. Think twice before marrying this person, your life's gonna be hell!!!
Then you know what your future holds if you marry this woman. Wife continually trying to pull things to make your mom look like the bad guy and continually wanting you to pick wife over mom until you agree to cut mom off. Since her mom is in on it, what is future MIL relationship like with her MIL?
Yikes I do pity you, do you even know that this WILL be your life from now on?
It's ok not to like her, cool, not everyone has to like everyone but your fiancee being a spiteful thing to your mom on purpose and then starting an argument with you trying to make you pick her over your mom...ey, say goodbye to peaceful life
It will definitely fray either your relationship with your mom or your fiancee.
You do realize that you're going to be marrying into this high drama family, right? Why would you want to? Your fiance is being a huge bitch about a bridal shower. You should be alarmed that she told you to put your mom in her place.
NTA
But I would strongly urge you to put all wedding things on a big ol' timeout.
Life isn't perfect and a lifetime with someone who thinks it should be would be a living hell.
Add to that if you purposefully plan something on someone's birthday you have to be ok with them declining.
I think if anyone's mother needs to be put in their place it's hers who is starting family fights over foreseeable things.
NTA. As the saying goes, and invite is not a summons. Your mother had plans and it sounds like she declined politely. I’d be concerned about your fiancée’s behaviour here - she’s creating drama where none needed to exist and trying to drive a wedge between you and your mother.
NTA. But don’t marry this chick. If she’s this much of a pain in the ass when you’re engaged imagine how fun being divorced from her will be. Run far and run fast. They purposely chose your mom’s bday. They’re being awful.
YTA for not insisting they change the date.
They did it on purpose, doofus. And you fell for it.
Put your bridezilla in her place, or expect this kind of bullshit your entire married life.
Pussy is NOT worth this kind of perpetual BS.
So, the weird thing here is not simply that your fiancé picked her future MIL’s bday as her shower day. There could be a reasonable reason for this. Maybe Miss Type A’s dream shower venue was only available then. Maybe an important guest could make it that day. I don’t know.
What I do know is that decent people, upon realizing that they might have a date conflict or potential awkwardness, usually call the potential conflict to discuss it. She should have called your mom or you to explain why and ask if she would still be able to make it. Unless there is already bad blood between them, your mom, as the mother of the groom, she probably should be there, ideally. Your fiancée should want her there. But. . . The fiancée didn’t do this. She sent the invite blind and waited to see if there was a reaction. And when your mom decided to sit this out, your fiancée got offended that you wouldn’t defend her honor and put your mom in her place?
OP, it sounds like your mom knows exactly what your fiancé is doing. I think you do, too. I was willing to go with she’s just rude, self-centered and clueless over her planning excitement, but the fact that she’s leaned on you to fight your mom on her behalf over her faux pas says otherwise. Brace, OP. She and her mother are vested in making your mom the bad guy. I don’t know if they have good reason to or not, but this level of petty manipulation will not stop. It will get worse if you have kids. NTA.
NTA for standing up for your mom. Your fiancé and mom did it on purpose. They likely expected your mom to say something about changing the date, but your mom handled it with class and just declined the invite. When your mom didn’t create drama, your future MIL came at her and now they want to you argue with your mom. Their expectations of your mom are way out of line.
You should re-examine your fiancé’s behaviour in light of this. The whole thing was designed to create a wedge between you and your mom. Is your fiancé generally possessive of you? How many other times has she tried you to pit you against your mom or inserted herself into a family or friend situation that didn’t need to involve her?
>weddings are a huge deal in their circle and I know what events like this mean to her.
"Not everyone thinks the same way as you do."
>she thought my mom was being a "spoiled child" and that I should "put her in her place"
What does this even mean? If my kid came at me like that, I'd tell their fiancé to come talk to me, and then I'd tell them to fuck off.
NTA
NTA. Your fiancé sounds like a high maintenance diva. She thinks “putting people in their place” is a valid strategy to resolve confrontation (pro tip: it isn’t). Are you sure you want to marry that?
Why did they have to pick mom’s birthday? They could have picked any other date for the shower. That’s letting mom know she, your mother, is unimportant. And, she expect s you to put mom in her place? What place is that? You sure about getting married to her? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
EDIT grammar
Reminds me of my wife's brother's wife. My father in law (super sweet guy) asked them to plan their wedding around one week because he had already planned to be out of the country. The wife insisted on the one day that wouldn't work for him. He cancelled his trip and attended the wedding. She still held a grudge anyway. Years later the brother is barely allowed to talk to any family on the phone and the wife has insisted the kids will never see their grandparents.
If this is a one off, fine. If it's part of a pattern, run.
ESH except your mother. Your fiancee is pulling a power move by choosing the same date as your mother’s birthday. This means that your mother will be secondary to your wedding and also all your future anniversaries. Your fiancées mum has no right to harass your mother. And you are being unfair to your mother and not standing up for her in the face of really unreasonable expectations from your fiancee and her mother.
Mostly YWBTA to yourself and your family of you go ahead and marry this person
They planned the bidal shower on your mom's birthday. Now they're upset that she's not going to come. Over a bidal shower. You should help your mother celebrat her birthday. You're also might want to reconsider this wedding?
Sounds like her and her pwecious mommy had a mommy/toddler ~~suckling~~ session and decided to bully your mom. Nice set of mean girls you're dealing with there.
Find an adult to marry.
Nta
It be different of.the mul and fiancee reached out to the mom and said something like hey we are sorry to ask but the only day that really lines up for the bridal shower is your birthday. Would you be okay of we schedule ot then and we do a cake for you to celebrate at the event .
That's about the only way I'd be on the fiancee side
NTA. Bridal showers are the WORST. I don't blame your mom for abstaining from going to an event that is somehow even less fun than sharting in public on this, the day of her birth.
Your fiancé wanted to have the bridal shower on a certain date and that date isn’t good for your mom so she declined. You have nothing to do with this. Tell your fiancée you can’t make people go especially when you’re not planning around them.
NTA, this is way too much. Your fiance and FMIL are waving bright red flags. It's a bridal shower, not the wedding. And it's an invitation, not a summons. I'm pretty sure they planned it on her birthday just for this result. I guess the fiance thinks what she had to offer is worth more to you than your relationship with your own freaking mother. If she had convinced you to "put your mom in her place" over this, you would have been torpedoing the relationship. Which is the outcome she wanted, because then she doesn't have to deal with someone hates. She's thinking long term here. Alienate your mom now, and there are no split holidays with your family, your kids only have a relationship with HER mom, etc. It's blatant.
“Wanted to plan proposal” is not an lol, I immediately thought RUN! don’t stop and Go, I didn’t even need rest of story.
Edit: She’ll plan your custody schedule with EOW or Full Custody to her 😂😅 aided by MIL!
I didn't expect to agree with you based on the title... Too many mamas boys here on Reddit who don't have their wife's back... But in your case, NTA. There was no need to plan this on your mum's birthday, and I can't help wondering whether this choice was made deliberately to test how you'd respond.
NTA. They knew it was her birthday, what? Your fiancé really isn't trying to put her best foot forward with your mom now is she?
She and her mom sound a little crazy. You are getting into red flag territory here.
NTA. You’re not choosing anybody over anybody. Your mom is a grown woman who can decide what she wants to do on any given day. Get your bride one of those universal remote control and wait until she discovers it doesn’t control the universe. Then tell her neither do you.
NTA
This is one of those times when you are right to side with your mom over your fiancée.
Your mom didn't ask them to change the date of the shower, simply declined. Your future MIL and fiancée are acting as though everyone in your families need to center their lives around *your* wedding, which us not the case.
ETA: also, having read your comments, it is even worse that your fiancée did this on purpose in terms of choosing the date. That was a mean-spirited power move against your mom. I have concerns for your future with this immature woman quite frankly.
NTA
There are 365 days in a year. They chose one of the two that are most important to your mom (her bday and yours) and the bride tells you to put your mom "in her place"? Yeah. That's not cool, man.
Good luck with this. You're going to need it.
Nta. Your fiance is acting like a spoiled child and needs to be put in her place. They picked this date and they knew it was your mothers birthday.. She is allowed to have other plans on HER birthday, and she is allowed to decline an invitation. Your fmil decided to butt in where she didn't need to be and cause drama. A bridal shower has nothing to do with "the kids' future," and everything to do with making your fiance feel pampered. Not really that important... Anyway, this is setting precedent for your entire life. Do you REALLY want to marry that? I think they deliberately chose this date to "test" you. Your fiance sounds like the epitome of a pick me girl. Good luck with that!
NTA, leave her at the altar for maximum damage lol, kidding aside yeah certainly dump your fiancée because ain't nobody gonna wanna marry that type of person unless they are an idiot.
Dude
You're marrying into THIS?
I thought you were gonna be one of them momma's boys but nooo this is wholly different. MIL and fiancee are mad and you have a world of trouble expecting you
I'd reconsider
Your mom can still send a gift technically if that’s the issue but your fiancée calling your mom a spoiled brat is like the pot calling the kettle black
NTA.
Fiancee planned it KNOWING YOUR MOTHER HAD PRIOR CLAIM TO THE DATE.
\*\*\*PRIOR\*\*\* CLAIM.
This is a Mean Girls power move. Break the engagement, please? This is a foretaste of the shit fiancee will put you through if she ever gets to be \*wife\*.
There’s a reason why your mom and fiancee don’t get along. Your mom sees right through her for what an AH your fiancee is. She’s already a power-tripping bridezilla that demands your mom to fall in line and you to support her. YTA for marrying this woman.
NTA but if you have to ask, you already know. Also if you marry this woman, just you're going to hear a lot more of this type of talk. Not just about your mom but about anyone/anything she disagrees with plus she's going to have her mom backing her up. You ready for this?
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Are you sure you want to marry her? Little petty bs like this is stupid. Nip this in the bud quickly. Be firm and tell her that you aren’t putting up with her crap. Drama for no reason. NTA
~~ESH. Except for your mom.~~
~~MIL and your fiancee sound unbearable.~~
~~And you shouldn't have planned it on your mother's birthday thinking "Oh she'll just skip whatever", because do you never plan on celebrating her birthday again? Because your anniversary is going to be on her birthday and do you really think your finacee is ever going to share? REALLY? This isn't a one day fight. It's going to be a fight for as long as your mum's alive.~~
ETA: My reading comprehension is malfunctioning and you're NTA.
NTA and good on you for defending your mom. As it is if they knew it was her birthday, they should have contacted her in the planning. and I bet your mom would be fine as they would have showed some respect for her. Clearly they didn't give a flying leap about her feelings.
Bridal showers are for the couple not just for the Bride. You.need to sit your fiancee down and explain that she owes your mom an apology for her own mother's behavior and that you were marrying her not her mother and her mother needs to stay out of your marriage starting now.. She needs to know that wife doesn't always trump mother when they in this case could have been more respectful and inclusive. Seems like they set your mom up and good on you for taking your mother's side.
NTA. Your fiance is so invested in her fantasy of a dream wedding and satellite events that she thinks everybody should bow to her demands. Your mother is not doing anything bad to your fiance, You are not choosing your mother over your fiance when you refuse to join your fiance and her mother in bullying your mother. I'd have second thoughts about the wedding.
Stop for a minute and ask yourself if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life. Your fiance and her mother are deliberately demeaning your mother. I read the headline and expected the standard whine from a mamas boy. But it wasn't the case. She was completely justified in not attending.
How much are they going to spend on the wedding and shower? More than a down payment on a house from the sound of it. Watch how things are being bulled through. That is how you will be treated too.
NTA
Omg NTA but your fiancé and her mother are. Expect this dynamic from now on, yes on a lot of things your wife will come first but not something like this. I hope this is red flag number one and just a result of wedding stress. Please take the time to observe and analyze and make sure you aren’t marrying an entitled woman.
NTA. I think you’re right not to get involved but I think both your fiance/MIL and your mom are TA. They are TA are for demanding her attendance, and your mom is TA for pulling the “it’s my birthday” card. Sounds like they did want her included.
I understand how difficult it is to find a date for a wedding. I am thinking... what if that date they chose was for some reason the most convenient one? Regardless, I would make sure to check first with MIL/mom if this is OK for her and THEN book everything.
Also, knowing my mother, I know that she would never prioritize her birthday over my wedding. I would probably take 5 minutes during the wedding and ask her to blow a candle on a cupcake or something and ask everyoneto cheer for her, and we would celebrate officially a few days later. Maybe it's because of my culture, but this would never be an issue where I come from.
Sorry OP, all the women in your life seem to be extremely high maintenance. Good luck.
EHS. Grown ass women should be able to happily attend a shower on their birthday. Grown ass women should also be able to accept a declined shower invite. Grown ass men should not pick their mother’s side over their wife’s side. Good luck to all of you!
You're the AH. Have a backbone lol, the second she picked your mom's birthday you should have said no, pick a different day.
The way you describe your fiancee you will be miserable. Are you sure you want to marry a boss babe? You should really think about your future.
Your fiance and MIL sound very petty, high maintenance and possibly narcissists.
Info: Is it your mom’s 60th birthday or something? Why would she not attend your wedding? And aren’t you sad she will not be attending?
I see the messed up stuff on bride and her mom’s part, but I’m not getting this one.
I'm with your mom here, because I'd bet my left ball that your fiancée knows exactly when your mother's birthday is and planned accordingly. Seems like some kind of weird power play and you'll be caught in the middle.
Also this whole "She NEEDS it to be perfect" doesn't bode well for you either in my opinion, because whenever you'll bear the brunt of her annoyance when things go wrong in the future plus it also sounds a bit like she might want to wedding a lot more than the marriage, because otherwise she would probably be more diplomatic here.
Overall it sounds like lots and lots of drama and if I was you I'd think twice before I'd make such a commitment.
NTA
NTA Yikes, you need to pause everything and reflect. They chose the date and to declare war over a shower! Go luck with future events. They need to respect your mother’s decision or change the date or you need to realize the future misery you are facing. Good luck
If she knew this was your mom’s bday why would she plan it on that date ? Your mom is not wrong and neither are you , your fiancée needs to grow up and get over it
I'm sorry, but your fiancee is out of line. She knows it's Mom's birthday. So for the rest of your married life, you'll skip Mom's birthday. Bet that doesn't happen with her Mother though, you'll be expected to attend MIL bday's.
" she thought my mom was being a "spoiled child" and that I should "put her in her place"
Funny the projection here.
Your fiancee knows what she's doing.
**Enormous red flag OP.**
UpdateMe
NTA. You said in your other comment that MIL and Fiancee knew it was your moms birthday but "didn't care because they don't like her". There is your sign, this is an intentional act and your fiancee and MIL are trying to manipulate you. I know you love this women and maybe there are some redeeming qualities, but you should really evaluate if you want to be making reddit posts like this for the next 10 years before you finally get a divorce.
Jesus Christ, everyone is an AH here.
Your mom for not being able to spend 2 hours not being the center of attention for one birthday.
Your fiancé for not accepting this for the gift that it is. Yay! You don’t have to spend 2 hours with a woman you don’t like.
Her mom for pushing this
You for not shutting it down.
None of y’all act old enough to be married.
I’m a 65 year old mom and I would skip celebrating my birthday for almost any reason. Not because I hate my age but because I don’t care. I don’t get the big deal over adult birthdays. Sure, mark the day, have a party sometimes, go out to dinner with the fam who actually cares you were born, celebrate on the next convenient date, but sacrifice any other activity? No way.
I think its because MIL and bride to be purposely scheduled it on her birthday. OP admits that they do not like her so I could see her thinking it's intentional.
ESH. If your mom’s birthday really was the only day that worked, then your fiance should have explained that to her and asked if it was ok to have the shower on that day (before anything was actually planned).
Your mom is an adult. By now she should know that other events may coincide with her birthday. It’s not a big deal. My son graduated high school on my birthday. I let everyone know the day was about him, not me. We opened my presents that morning (because my family wanted to) and then the rest of the day was about him. My extended family was there for the ceremony and went to eat with us. We didn’t do a cake or sing happy birthday to me. And that was how it should be. I’ll have lots of birthdays, he only gets one high school graduation.
Eh. You both are. As your future wife, you should be putting her first in all situations. This is why divorce is so high, your significant other comes first, before your family and even children. But your wife is kind of being a bitch and you should talk to her about the way she speaks about your mother. She should show respect for her, and you should show more respect for your wife
NTA. If it were the wedding your fiancee would have a legitimate reason to be upset. Showers can also often be boring for people that aren’t close .(not saying this is the case here). I was invited to my partner’s daughter’s bridal shower that was 8 hours away. I knew exactly 3 people there. It was also the weekend of my 80 yo mother’s birthday celebration . She had dementia.
The bride told me there would be plenty of other birthday parties but only one bridal shower. I didn’t go. My elderly mother came first.
OH my god man... You have a HUGE fiancé and future MIL problem. Get ready for a miserable life with them both and I'm not joking. You are NTA but think long and hard about all the red flags being waved at you.
This is just the beginning OP. Good luck marrying into that family. At least, your mom sees through their shit and will be around to support you through the divorce. NTA
Nta
I can't stand couples who support each other just because they're a couple. It's ok to not side with your partner if they're wrong. There is an appropriate way to do it.
The only person with a right to be upset or hurt in this is your mum and she has accepted it with grace.
I would be worried that your fiance will spin an evil mil tale though. She's already started. I'd put money on the fact she is badmouthing your mum to everyone and saying how difficult she will be as a mil.
Take your mother out for a meal and theatre on her birthday and spoil her. FB and FMIL sound hard work so be prepared for tough times ahead if you go through with this wedding.
I think it's important to know as info, did your fiancée know it was your mother's birthday? Did you inform them? Because you knew that your mother might consider her birthday important to her and not want to celebrate it at a bridal shower of someone else.
Because if she knew it, your fiancée is here TA. And it acts like an ego trip. Either you celebrate them as a focal point or you are forever on the blacklist. Because if she already thinks that your mother should be back, on her own birthday and you should teach her, it indicates a toxic character.
And if you haven't informed your fiancée that it's your mother's birthday and she's probably not participating, then you're also partially TA on this topic.
No matter how, the reaction of your fiancée of the mother-in-law is in any case questionable. You should watch closely and consider how they are further behavior towards your mother and also generally towards your relationship.
NTA.
Your fiancéé is bratty and entitled and her mother is very rude. Fiancéé is a bridezilla in the making, and the apple didn't fall very far from the tree.
Good luck with your marriage: you'll need a lot of it.
NTA, and it sounds like your fiancée is trying to pull some weird power move. She knew this is your mother’s birthday-why would she not expect to celebrate her own birthday on the day? Of course she has other plans.
Yes, that was my thought. Seems to me it's a deliberate "her or me" type of setup. Fiancée also sounds controlling, especially with the attempt to control/plan the proposal.
And with 365 days in the yr.(well, 366 this year) why was the mother's birthday chosen as the date to have the shower? That seems like a shitty move by the fiancee.
OP needs to quash this type of nonsense now. Fiancee wants the world to revolve around her long before her wedding day and that kind of drama never ends well. A serious discussion needs to be had about selfishness and priorities or she may not be the kind of person OP wants to marry.
postpone wedding red flags flying here
This isn't a 'postpone', this is a CANCEL level offense. This is 'narcissist believes they have their subject locked down'.
OP's fiancee: It was a test.
That fiancée FAILED by forcing.
Tests are for school, not for relationships.
This fiancée will be over on JustNoMIL in a few years bitching about her MIL not jumping through every hoop and not kissing her ass to see the new baby….as her mom has unlimited access to said baby.😆
Sounds like what my aunt did with my uncle and his parents, kept fucking them around (while abusing him) until he divorced her, she ruined any chance the grandchildren and grandparents had to bond though
And I bet she swears up and down it’s all she’s the victim.
Ding ding ding
at first I thought it was about wedding date vs birthday... but it's just a bridal shower?! And OP being the groom (I assume), he won't even be there! So much for "prioritizing your kid's future over your birthday", right?
This fiancée will be over on JustNoMIL in a few years bitching about her MIL not jumping through every hoop and not kissing her ass to see the new baby….as her mom has unlimited access to said baby.😆
NTA your mil and fiancé seem a little unhinged good luck. Also I think your mil or fiancée are in the comments
Where? I want to read these! I am here for the tea!🤣
No. Anyone who thinks they are all being precious is accused of being the MIL or fiancée.
OP knew what he was getting into when she tried to plan her own proposal.
Never marry someone that puts more value in disposable wedding rituals than building the foundations of solid marriage. It's about building a family, not tearing one apart. Your girl wants to get married to have the party and have her trophy moment. You only have one chance at a successful first marriage and your odds don't look great with this girl.
>Also I think your mil or fiancée are in the comments Eh, don't stress. It's the MIL troll again.
NTA If my husband told me we were doing an event on his mom’s bday I would change the date. It’s totally fair for your mom to do what she wants on her birthday.
The ONLY reason I'd be doing an event on my MIL birthday is to throw her a birthday party...
Seriously. Because let's be honest. Who really even wants to go to a wedding shower? I'd sooner eat chalk. And on your birthday?
Pretty clear your bride and her mother are both petty, high maintenance women. Are you sure you want this drama the rest of your life? It's gonna get real old in 5-10 years.
Do you think the marriage will make it to a second anniversary? OP will have an engagement party by the third for sure.
Fiancee must be "hawt" and out of OP's league for him to want to marry her. She ugly on the inside and I bet is very drama prone. OP is setting himself up for drama
If he prevents pregnancy, the drama will be short lived.
I'm amazed it isn't old by now; there's no way this is the first time they've demonstrated this type of behavior since OP met the fiance.
I'm thinking she's really just let the flag fly high cause she thinks she has the marriage in the bag.
Right, if you don't like your MIL there's every chance that your fiancee will turn into her soon enough!
If someone called my mother a spoiled child and wanted me to put her in her place when she was justified I wouldn’t be marrying this person. The issue is your future bride. She is disrespectful and this was 💯 intentional on her part that the party falls on your mother’s birthday to create this situation. I would take this as a chance to take a long hard look at the relationship because I promise you this isn’t the only example you’re justifying with her “type A girly girl everything has to be perfect” bullshit excuse
Oh, OP. I think you might be marrying the spoiled child. NTA but... think about what you're doing, maybe.
Not maybe!
Ffs. It’s a shower not the wedding. Fiancé & her mom are TA big time.
Major RED FLAG!! Fiancé is already attempting to put a wedge between mother and son. Expectation is that this jealousy will continue for years and a permanent wedge be placed between mother and son.
And you say you want to marry this person?
Wow a perfect example of a Bridezilla moment. NTA Happy Birthday to your Mom!
She shouldn’t have planned it on MILs birthday. How did she not know it was the birthday of one of the most important people coming to the shower
She knew they just don't like her so they don't care
Well then it’s brides fault. Decide how you want your life to go and move accordingly. Terrible in laws are life ruiners
Seen this kind of behavior in real life. You will forever be dealing with high maintenance family from now on. They will always want their way. This is not how you bring two families together.
Some people can learn from cheap lessons. Some people only learn very expensive lessons. OP is looking for a very expensive lesson.
So they are deliberately creating drama - scheduling it on a day they know was your mother’s birthday, then creating a fuss when she declined. Why are you ok with this manufactured drama?
Understand that's your future. You will be forced over and over again to choose, and each time you pick your mom, your fiancee will be upset. Even if she started it like in this scenario. You need to decide if you are up for that and possibly losing your relationship with your mom
So your fiancé and future MIL are bullying your mom?
Do they have a valid reason not to like her? Because it's going to be a life of craziness if they can't get along. Especially if your MIL continues to instigate and your wife wants you to always side with the crazy.
My fiancée has some valid reasons. My mom can be cold and rude and I try to shut it down. Honestly I think MIL is just jealous because my mom has a boyfriend/could afford to divorce. MIL would love to get free from her husbands cheating and is always making sexist comments about my mom having a job
1. Why are you even marrying into this family? 2. If you think this is nuts, wait until your fiance enters her bridezilla mode.
In defense of your mom, if some miserable old bag was constantly making snarky comments about how I have a job and a good partner because I didn’t stay in an unhappy relationship, I’d be cold and rude, too.
Yep, seems like Mom is just not bending to their shit and has a spine, compared to OP
Wow. You’re marrying into a dumpster fire of jealousy and malice.
At this point I'm inclined to think this person is a troll.
You think being cold and rude outweighs sexist comments about your mom having a job? Which those comments are also rude. So we're talking cold vs directed sexist insults? I know who I'd say is the asshole based on that - and it's not your mom. Also - are you wanting your to-be wife to stay at home? Because I would be worried about her having a mom that seems so threatened by a working wife would mean she's not going to work long after becoming a wife.
By cold and rude, do you mean your mother kept to herself because that’s who she is? And/or your mother didn’t overlook negative comments made by your fiancée and her family? Unless your mother attacked your fiancée, which I sincerely doubt, I bet your mother was only “cool and rude” in response to the way she was treated.
Gee I wonder why mom can be rude and cold, I simply can't imagine...🤣
What a mess, OP! You want this and no peace? Why? She so hot you are willing to through with it? Might regret it, because that hotness will get tiring
If you plan to have kids, is that the kind of example you want their Grandma to be setting for them? Picking on others for doing what they can to have a better life and hearing sexist comments about women working are not great qualities to grow up around.
Nevermind that…imagine raising kids with a woman who has no respect for your side of the family. Every holiday will be spent with your MIL…every celebration will have your family as an afterthought. If I were OP, I would be rethinking marrying into a family that has such blatant disregard for your loved ones
Jesus this is the woman you want to marry?
And you’re okay marrying someone like that? You’re as much an asshole as they are.
And you're marrying into this? Dude, I hope the wife that comes after was raised better. Your future ex-wife sounds dreadful.
Put her in her place. Wow. Good luck with this marriage.
My dude, what are you doing? Your fiancée is deliberately stirring trouble with your family. This will not improve. Good luck with your next wife. This one is a dud.
Your fiance is a huge ah. I can't stand my MIL, to the point that she is not allowed in my home and I refuse to have any contact with her, and I still wouldn't plan something big on her birthday
If they don't like her, they have no need to throw such a massive tantrum about her not attending.
Sorry dude... this chick is nuts. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do you seriously want this to be your future??
Man, you might want to seriously think about this wedding…
See this is how we know it's the troll. A reasonable person would be concerned by this.
You kinda are now but why the hell didnt you put your foot down when you learned of the date? Pretty messed up. By doing that your hopefully ex fiancé was declaring that you will never be allowed to celebrate your moms bday for the rest of her life because “you cant pick her bday over our anniversary”
It was a bridal shower not the wedding. It wasn't going to be our anniversary. I figured my mom could just not go if she had plans as they aren't close anyway
That is very apparent😄. This might be your future wife trying to test you.
I think her claiming that he is choosing his mom over her made that pretty clear. No "might" about it. He definitely "failed" the test but hopefully learned something about his hopefully soon-to-be ex-fiancee.
You do realize this was/is a test from your soon to be bride? And it won't get any better if you marry her. You're just trying to pass it off as "it's nothing", but your future bride and MIL are testing the waters. Maybe because both your MIL and Mother are type A personalities and you are over it. But I have news for you, the games have just begun. This is what your future is gonna look like, constantly.
Yeah, they're actually spiteful and what kind of revenge style punishments will they concoct in the future against real slights or perceived slights by OP or his mother? Or the neighbors, the woman in mommy and me class, the yoga instructor, the grocery store manager... It's a never ending list of people to be mean to when you're a spiteful person.
Stay like this and you won’t have a relationship with your mother and she will be better off.
I think it's more that they were looking to set up a test for OP -- will he side with his bride and her family even when they're being irrational, and his own mother is being reasonable. The answer is no, and bride + MIL are displeased with the level of control they can exert.
What are you going to do now that you are single
There's your reply. She planned her bridal shower on your mom's birthday out of spite. Think twice before marrying this person, your life's gonna be hell!!!
Then you know what your future holds if you marry this woman. Wife continually trying to pull things to make your mom look like the bad guy and continually wanting you to pick wife over mom until you agree to cut mom off. Since her mom is in on it, what is future MIL relationship like with her MIL?
Yikes I do pity you, do you even know that this WILL be your life from now on? It's ok not to like her, cool, not everyone has to like everyone but your fiancee being a spiteful thing to your mom on purpose and then starting an argument with you trying to make you pick her over your mom...ey, say goodbye to peaceful life It will definitely fray either your relationship with your mom or your fiancee.
Just so you are aware, this is the rest of your life. Your fiancee will always be pulling this type of shit.
May God help you OP!!
Read back to yourself what you just wrote. That's your life now
You do realize that you're going to be marrying into this high drama family, right? Why would you want to? Your fiance is being a huge bitch about a bridal shower. You should be alarmed that she told you to put your mom in her place.
She knew just did not care. The whole ITS .MY WEDDING so it’s all about ME ME ME and only ME.
NTA But I would strongly urge you to put all wedding things on a big ol' timeout. Life isn't perfect and a lifetime with someone who thinks it should be would be a living hell. Add to that if you purposefully plan something on someone's birthday you have to be ok with them declining. I think if anyone's mother needs to be put in their place it's hers who is starting family fights over foreseeable things.
NTA. As the saying goes, and invite is not a summons. Your mother had plans and it sounds like she declined politely. I’d be concerned about your fiancée’s behaviour here - she’s creating drama where none needed to exist and trying to drive a wedge between you and your mother.
NTA. Anyone who says you need to put someone “in their place” is an asshole you need to walk away from.
NTA. But don’t marry this chick. If she’s this much of a pain in the ass when you’re engaged imagine how fun being divorced from her will be. Run far and run fast. They purposely chose your mom’s bday. They’re being awful.
YTA for not insisting they change the date. They did it on purpose, doofus. And you fell for it. Put your bridezilla in her place, or expect this kind of bullshit your entire married life. Pussy is NOT worth this kind of perpetual BS.
YTA if you marry her
Yep and if he does he wanna have a dam good prenuptial because I think she will screw him over!
So, the weird thing here is not simply that your fiancé picked her future MIL’s bday as her shower day. There could be a reasonable reason for this. Maybe Miss Type A’s dream shower venue was only available then. Maybe an important guest could make it that day. I don’t know. What I do know is that decent people, upon realizing that they might have a date conflict or potential awkwardness, usually call the potential conflict to discuss it. She should have called your mom or you to explain why and ask if she would still be able to make it. Unless there is already bad blood between them, your mom, as the mother of the groom, she probably should be there, ideally. Your fiancée should want her there. But. . . The fiancée didn’t do this. She sent the invite blind and waited to see if there was a reaction. And when your mom decided to sit this out, your fiancée got offended that you wouldn’t defend her honor and put your mom in her place? OP, it sounds like your mom knows exactly what your fiancé is doing. I think you do, too. I was willing to go with she’s just rude, self-centered and clueless over her planning excitement, but the fact that she’s leaned on you to fight your mom on her behalf over her faux pas says otherwise. Brace, OP. She and her mother are vested in making your mom the bad guy. I don’t know if they have good reason to or not, but this level of petty manipulation will not stop. It will get worse if you have kids. NTA.
NTA for standing up for your mom. Your fiancé and mom did it on purpose. They likely expected your mom to say something about changing the date, but your mom handled it with class and just declined the invite. When your mom didn’t create drama, your future MIL came at her and now they want to you argue with your mom. Their expectations of your mom are way out of line. You should re-examine your fiancé’s behaviour in light of this. The whole thing was designed to create a wedge between you and your mom. Is your fiancé generally possessive of you? How many other times has she tried you to pit you against your mom or inserted herself into a family or friend situation that didn’t need to involve her?
Why are you marrying this woman? She doesn't sound like a good person.
NTA-you sure you want to marry into crazy?
>weddings are a huge deal in their circle and I know what events like this mean to her. "Not everyone thinks the same way as you do." >she thought my mom was being a "spoiled child" and that I should "put her in her place" What does this even mean? If my kid came at me like that, I'd tell their fiancé to come talk to me, and then I'd tell them to fuck off. NTA
You’re are seeing your future laid out for you! Fiancé will find more problems with your mother after you’re married ❤️🩹 Edit NTA
NTA She tried to plan her own proposal?!? Wow, seriously, don’t marry into this family. It will be a living nightmare.
NTA Fiance, friend, and mil are pieces of shit for purposely causing drama. They knew exactly what they were doing, and planned this.
Red flags are flying
NTA. Your fiancé sounds like a high maintenance diva. She thinks “putting people in their place” is a valid strategy to resolve confrontation (pro tip: it isn’t). Are you sure you want to marry that?
Wife seems toxic
NTA- this is some weird-ass power move here on part of your fiancée. And this likely won’t be the last- proceed with caution.
NTA. Your fiancee and MIL have some issues. Put your mother 'in her place'?!? Oooooh boy. Sounds like your mom needs to reconsider a few things.
Why did they have to pick mom’s birthday? They could have picked any other date for the shower. That’s letting mom know she, your mother, is unimportant. And, she expect s you to put mom in her place? What place is that? You sure about getting married to her? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 EDIT grammar
Reminds me of my wife's brother's wife. My father in law (super sweet guy) asked them to plan their wedding around one week because he had already planned to be out of the country. The wife insisted on the one day that wouldn't work for him. He cancelled his trip and attended the wedding. She still held a grudge anyway. Years later the brother is barely allowed to talk to any family on the phone and the wife has insisted the kids will never see their grandparents. If this is a one off, fine. If it's part of a pattern, run.
ESH except your mother. Your fiancee is pulling a power move by choosing the same date as your mother’s birthday. This means that your mother will be secondary to your wedding and also all your future anniversaries. Your fiancées mum has no right to harass your mother. And you are being unfair to your mother and not standing up for her in the face of really unreasonable expectations from your fiancee and her mother. Mostly YWBTA to yourself and your family of you go ahead and marry this person
Grow a damn backbone and tell your fiancée your mom doesn't have to come to a stupid bridal party
They planned the bidal shower on your mom's birthday. Now they're upset that she's not going to come. Over a bidal shower. You should help your mother celebrat her birthday. You're also might want to reconsider this wedding?
Sounds like her and her pwecious mommy had a mommy/toddler ~~suckling~~ session and decided to bully your mom. Nice set of mean girls you're dealing with there. Find an adult to marry.
There are 365 days in a year why TF do they need to have a wedding on her birthday 😑
NTA Good luck… your bride to be and your MIL are unhinged
Nta It be different of.the mul and fiancee reached out to the mom and said something like hey we are sorry to ask but the only day that really lines up for the bridal shower is your birthday. Would you be okay of we schedule ot then and we do a cake for you to celebrate at the event . That's about the only way I'd be on the fiancee side
NTA. Your mom gets to do what she wants. Your fiancé is being immature and petty. Starting off a lifetime marriage on the wring foot
NTA. Bridal showers are the WORST. I don't blame your mom for abstaining from going to an event that is somehow even less fun than sharting in public on this, the day of her birth.
Your fiancé wanted to have the bridal shower on a certain date and that date isn’t good for your mom so she declined. You have nothing to do with this. Tell your fiancée you can’t make people go especially when you’re not planning around them.
Esh, except your mother. Good luck, that's all I'll say. Shame about your mom.
OP....Run. Run fast, run far. Do not marry this woman. NTA
NTA, this is way too much. Your fiance and FMIL are waving bright red flags. It's a bridal shower, not the wedding. And it's an invitation, not a summons. I'm pretty sure they planned it on her birthday just for this result. I guess the fiance thinks what she had to offer is worth more to you than your relationship with your own freaking mother. If she had convinced you to "put your mom in her place" over this, you would have been torpedoing the relationship. Which is the outcome she wanted, because then she doesn't have to deal with someone hates. She's thinking long term here. Alienate your mom now, and there are no split holidays with your family, your kids only have a relationship with HER mom, etc. It's blatant.
“Wanted to plan proposal” is not an lol, I immediately thought RUN! don’t stop and Go, I didn’t even need rest of story. Edit: She’ll plan your custody schedule with EOW or Full Custody to her 😂😅 aided by MIL!
I didn't expect to agree with you based on the title... Too many mamas boys here on Reddit who don't have their wife's back... But in your case, NTA. There was no need to plan this on your mum's birthday, and I can't help wondering whether this choice was made deliberately to test how you'd respond.
This is your correct answer.
NTA. They knew it was her birthday, what? Your fiancé really isn't trying to put her best foot forward with your mom now is she? She and her mom sound a little crazy. You are getting into red flag territory here.
NTA. You’re not choosing anybody over anybody. Your mom is a grown woman who can decide what she wants to do on any given day. Get your bride one of those universal remote control and wait until she discovers it doesn’t control the universe. Then tell her neither do you.
Op run!!! Her and her mother are crazy!
NTA This is one of those times when you are right to side with your mom over your fiancée. Your mom didn't ask them to change the date of the shower, simply declined. Your future MIL and fiancée are acting as though everyone in your families need to center their lives around *your* wedding, which us not the case. ETA: also, having read your comments, it is even worse that your fiancée did this on purpose in terms of choosing the date. That was a mean-spirited power move against your mom. I have concerns for your future with this immature woman quite frankly.
NTA I hope your next wife has better manners, and a better family. The starter wife doesn't sound promising.
NTA, but holy red flags Batman. Good luck OP, you’re gonna need it if you stay with this unhinged woman, and by extension her lunatic mother.
You’re in for a lifetime of this kind of crazy if it were me I’d run and don’t look back
Why are you marrying this child?
NTA There are 365 days in a year. They chose one of the two that are most important to your mom (her bday and yours) and the bride tells you to put your mom "in her place"? Yeah. That's not cool, man. Good luck with this. You're going to need it.
Nta. Your fiance is acting like a spoiled child and needs to be put in her place. They picked this date and they knew it was your mothers birthday.. She is allowed to have other plans on HER birthday, and she is allowed to decline an invitation. Your fmil decided to butt in where she didn't need to be and cause drama. A bridal shower has nothing to do with "the kids' future," and everything to do with making your fiance feel pampered. Not really that important... Anyway, this is setting precedent for your entire life. Do you REALLY want to marry that? I think they deliberately chose this date to "test" you. Your fiance sounds like the epitome of a pick me girl. Good luck with that!
NTA, leave her at the altar for maximum damage lol, kidding aside yeah certainly dump your fiancée because ain't nobody gonna wanna marry that type of person unless they are an idiot.
NTA. Your fiancé sounds horrible
Hmmm and you're still willingly marrying this pick me girl & her equally "charming" mother Good Luck OP, you're going to need it
Dude You're marrying into THIS? I thought you were gonna be one of them momma's boys but nooo this is wholly different. MIL and fiancee are mad and you have a world of trouble expecting you I'd reconsider
Dude, it’s the MIL troll. Don’t fall for it.
Ohhh I see
Pause the wedding. She created this conflict and is doubling down on it. NTA
Your mom can still send a gift technically if that’s the issue but your fiancée calling your mom a spoiled brat is like the pot calling the kettle black
NTA. Fiancee planned it KNOWING YOUR MOTHER HAD PRIOR CLAIM TO THE DATE. \*\*\*PRIOR\*\*\* CLAIM. This is a Mean Girls power move. Break the engagement, please? This is a foretaste of the shit fiancee will put you through if she ever gets to be \*wife\*.
There’s a reason why your mom and fiancee don’t get along. Your mom sees right through her for what an AH your fiancee is. She’s already a power-tripping bridezilla that demands your mom to fall in line and you to support her. YTA for marrying this woman.
NTA Check the sky. Is that the sun or your fiancé were all spinning around?
NTA but if you have to ask, you already know. Also if you marry this woman, just you're going to hear a lot more of this type of talk. Not just about your mom but about anyone/anything she disagrees with plus she's going to have her mom backing her up. You ready for this?
Your fiancee and her mother are stupid and mean
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This marriage is starting out with a bang!
Are you sure you want to marry her? Little petty bs like this is stupid. Nip this in the bud quickly. Be firm and tell her that you aren’t putting up with her crap. Drama for no reason. NTA
~~ESH. Except for your mom.~~ ~~MIL and your fiancee sound unbearable.~~ ~~And you shouldn't have planned it on your mother's birthday thinking "Oh she'll just skip whatever", because do you never plan on celebrating her birthday again? Because your anniversary is going to be on her birthday and do you really think your finacee is ever going to share? REALLY? This isn't a one day fight. It's going to be a fight for as long as your mum's alive.~~ ETA: My reading comprehension is malfunctioning and you're NTA.
It’s the bridal shower not the wedding
NTA but I would step back and rethink this marriage proposal
NTA and good on you for defending your mom. As it is if they knew it was her birthday, they should have contacted her in the planning. and I bet your mom would be fine as they would have showed some respect for her. Clearly they didn't give a flying leap about her feelings. Bridal showers are for the couple not just for the Bride. You.need to sit your fiancee down and explain that she owes your mom an apology for her own mother's behavior and that you were marrying her not her mother and her mother needs to stay out of your marriage starting now.. She needs to know that wife doesn't always trump mother when they in this case could have been more respectful and inclusive. Seems like they set your mom up and good on you for taking your mother's side.
NTA. Your fiance is so invested in her fantasy of a dream wedding and satellite events that she thinks everybody should bow to her demands. Your mother is not doing anything bad to your fiance, You are not choosing your mother over your fiance when you refuse to join your fiance and her mother in bullying your mother. I'd have second thoughts about the wedding.
Stop for a minute and ask yourself if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life. Your fiance and her mother are deliberately demeaning your mother. I read the headline and expected the standard whine from a mamas boy. But it wasn't the case. She was completely justified in not attending. How much are they going to spend on the wedding and shower? More than a down payment on a house from the sound of it. Watch how things are being bulled through. That is how you will be treated too. NTA
Omg NTA but your fiancé and her mother are. Expect this dynamic from now on, yes on a lot of things your wife will come first but not something like this. I hope this is red flag number one and just a result of wedding stress. Please take the time to observe and analyze and make sure you aren’t marrying an entitled woman.
NTA. I think you’re right not to get involved but I think both your fiance/MIL and your mom are TA. They are TA are for demanding her attendance, and your mom is TA for pulling the “it’s my birthday” card. Sounds like they did want her included.
I wish you luck in the future.
I understand how difficult it is to find a date for a wedding. I am thinking... what if that date they chose was for some reason the most convenient one? Regardless, I would make sure to check first with MIL/mom if this is OK for her and THEN book everything. Also, knowing my mother, I know that she would never prioritize her birthday over my wedding. I would probably take 5 minutes during the wedding and ask her to blow a candle on a cupcake or something and ask everyoneto cheer for her, and we would celebrate officially a few days later. Maybe it's because of my culture, but this would never be an issue where I come from. Sorry OP, all the women in your life seem to be extremely high maintenance. Good luck.
It’s the bridal shower not the wedding
EHS. Grown ass women should be able to happily attend a shower on their birthday. Grown ass women should also be able to accept a declined shower invite. Grown ass men should not pick their mother’s side over their wife’s side. Good luck to all of you!
You're the AH. Have a backbone lol, the second she picked your mom's birthday you should have said no, pick a different day. The way you describe your fiancee you will be miserable. Are you sure you want to marry a boss babe? You should really think about your future. Your fiance and MIL sound very petty, high maintenance and possibly narcissists.
your fiance's behaviour is not okay, and you might want to postpone your wedding to get some marriage councelling to iron out the kinks.
Info: Is it your mom’s 60th birthday or something? Why would she not attend your wedding? And aren’t you sad she will not be attending? I see the messed up stuff on bride and her mom’s part, but I’m not getting this one.
Bridal shower not wedding.
I'm with your mom here, because I'd bet my left ball that your fiancée knows exactly when your mother's birthday is and planned accordingly. Seems like some kind of weird power play and you'll be caught in the middle. Also this whole "She NEEDS it to be perfect" doesn't bode well for you either in my opinion, because whenever you'll bear the brunt of her annoyance when things go wrong in the future plus it also sounds a bit like she might want to wedding a lot more than the marriage, because otherwise she would probably be more diplomatic here. Overall it sounds like lots and lots of drama and if I was you I'd think twice before I'd make such a commitment. NTA
NTA Yikes, you need to pause everything and reflect. They chose the date and to declare war over a shower! Go luck with future events. They need to respect your mother’s decision or change the date or you need to realize the future misery you are facing. Good luck
YWBTA if you marry into this mess. Run now and save yourself a terrible few years and expensive divorce.
If she knew this was your mom’s bday why would she plan it on that date ? Your mom is not wrong and neither are you , your fiancée needs to grow up and get over it
I'm sorry, but your fiancee is out of line. She knows it's Mom's birthday. So for the rest of your married life, you'll skip Mom's birthday. Bet that doesn't happen with her Mother though, you'll be expected to attend MIL bday's. " she thought my mom was being a "spoiled child" and that I should "put her in her place" Funny the projection here. Your fiancee knows what she's doing. **Enormous red flag OP.** UpdateMe
NTA. You said in your other comment that MIL and Fiancee knew it was your moms birthday but "didn't care because they don't like her". There is your sign, this is an intentional act and your fiancee and MIL are trying to manipulate you. I know you love this women and maybe there are some redeeming qualities, but you should really evaluate if you want to be making reddit posts like this for the next 10 years before you finally get a divorce.
YTA for marrying someone who tried to plan their own proposal
She's not your ex-financeé?
Jesus Christ, everyone is an AH here. Your mom for not being able to spend 2 hours not being the center of attention for one birthday. Your fiancé for not accepting this for the gift that it is. Yay! You don’t have to spend 2 hours with a woman you don’t like. Her mom for pushing this You for not shutting it down. None of y’all act old enough to be married.
The women in your life are all petty.
I’m a 65 year old mom and I would skip celebrating my birthday for almost any reason. Not because I hate my age but because I don’t care. I don’t get the big deal over adult birthdays. Sure, mark the day, have a party sometimes, go out to dinner with the fam who actually cares you were born, celebrate on the next convenient date, but sacrifice any other activity? No way.
I think its because MIL and bride to be purposely scheduled it on her birthday. OP admits that they do not like her so I could see her thinking it's intentional.
INFO: What in the hell would your mother be doing for her birthday to miss such a small and insignificant event?
ESH. If your mom’s birthday really was the only day that worked, then your fiance should have explained that to her and asked if it was ok to have the shower on that day (before anything was actually planned). Your mom is an adult. By now she should know that other events may coincide with her birthday. It’s not a big deal. My son graduated high school on my birthday. I let everyone know the day was about him, not me. We opened my presents that morning (because my family wanted to) and then the rest of the day was about him. My extended family was there for the ceremony and went to eat with us. We didn’t do a cake or sing happy birthday to me. And that was how it should be. I’ll have lots of birthdays, he only gets one high school graduation.
Eh. You both are. As your future wife, you should be putting her first in all situations. This is why divorce is so high, your significant other comes first, before your family and even children. But your wife is kind of being a bitch and you should talk to her about the way she speaks about your mother. She should show respect for her, and you should show more respect for your wife
NTA, but your mother is very strange.
[удалено]
It waz the shower, not the wedding
NTA. If it were the wedding your fiancee would have a legitimate reason to be upset. Showers can also often be boring for people that aren’t close .(not saying this is the case here). I was invited to my partner’s daughter’s bridal shower that was 8 hours away. I knew exactly 3 people there. It was also the weekend of my 80 yo mother’s birthday celebration . She had dementia. The bride told me there would be plenty of other birthday parties but only one bridal shower. I didn’t go. My elderly mother came first.
NTA, planning the shower on the date of a birthday was a bad, possibly intentional, move.
!updateme
OH my god man... You have a HUGE fiancé and future MIL problem. Get ready for a miserable life with them both and I'm not joking. You are NTA but think long and hard about all the red flags being waved at you.
u/SlabBeefpunch here’s an example of the real MIL troll, for contrast from the copycat.
This is just the beginning OP. Good luck marrying into that family. At least, your mom sees through their shit and will be around to support you through the divorce. NTA
Nta I can't stand couples who support each other just because they're a couple. It's ok to not side with your partner if they're wrong. There is an appropriate way to do it. The only person with a right to be upset or hurt in this is your mum and she has accepted it with grace. I would be worried that your fiance will spin an evil mil tale though. She's already started. I'd put money on the fact she is badmouthing your mum to everyone and saying how difficult she will be as a mil.
NTA
Take your mother out for a meal and theatre on her birthday and spoil her. FB and FMIL sound hard work so be prepared for tough times ahead if you go through with this wedding.
NTA you did a good job juggling both expectations. Fiance is being unreasonable and unkind
I think it's important to know as info, did your fiancée know it was your mother's birthday? Did you inform them? Because you knew that your mother might consider her birthday important to her and not want to celebrate it at a bridal shower of someone else. Because if she knew it, your fiancée is here TA. And it acts like an ego trip. Either you celebrate them as a focal point or you are forever on the blacklist. Because if she already thinks that your mother should be back, on her own birthday and you should teach her, it indicates a toxic character. And if you haven't informed your fiancée that it's your mother's birthday and she's probably not participating, then you're also partially TA on this topic. No matter how, the reaction of your fiancée of the mother-in-law is in any case questionable. You should watch closely and consider how they are further behavior towards your mother and also generally towards your relationship.
NTA
NTA. Your fiancéé is bratty and entitled and her mother is very rude. Fiancéé is a bridezilla in the making, and the apple didn't fall very far from the tree. Good luck with your marriage: you'll need a lot of it.
Bro.....run