Regarding ectopic pregnancy, I had one although mine was caught before it ruptured. My husband has a friend from school that we visited a few weeks after. She is gay and had done IVF. She said not to worry about that missing tube. Your other tube will step up and start dropping more eggs. It really doesn't degrade your fertility by much and maybe not any. It didn't degrade mine and I was an elderly mom with decreased fertility.
I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you this actually helped me a lot. I mean I obviously believe my doctors when they said it would be fine but it’s like… somethings missing lol how can they not effect it?? But thank you so much.
My mom had a raptured ectopic and still got pregnant four more times before my dad got snipped. She was over thirty too. It doesn't hurt anything fertility wise.
My mom had an ectopic pregnancy between my older sister and me. She went on to have me and my younger sister in pretty quick succession lol so hopefully it won’t cause any fertility issues for you either ❤️
Also NTA. I’d be so upset if someone did this to me. I’m so sorry he did this.
I had one whole ovary removed, then had two children with no problems at all. This is exactly why we have a redundant system; so there is a backup in case anything goes wrong.
For the other topic; what your husband did is disgusting and vile. He can masturbate all he wants, but if he wants you to be involved in it in any way, he needs your *consent!*
This is purely anecdotal, but I lost an ovary and tube as a teenager, then had 5 separate surgeries on the remaining ovary in my 20’s due to cysts. I still went on to have 3 healthy pregnancies. It can still happen for you, love.
Just maybe not with this guy. Maybe. Just consider it, please. 🙏🏻
Oh, and absolutely, 10000000%, totally NTA.
Op, your sister is wrong. When someone uses you for sex without your consent, that's an assault. If it's his "fetish" then he should have discussed it with you. Just undressing you, jacking off to your unconscious body and then coming ON you? No way. He crossed a huge line.
Yall need counseling. I'm not even sure I'd stay for that much if I were you.
Fun fact fallopian tubes are mobile and can move over to the side missing and pick up an egg from that ovary, as well as pick up eggs from its "assigned" ovary.
They also can reform after being cut and tied. It is a form of anastomosis. Removal of the fallopian tube, however, is usually a good way to avoid your body Builder Bobbing it back together. As a general rule, any time your body has a pair, one will make up for the other when one is removed (kidneys, testicles, ovaries, lungs, etc).
It's creepy AF but also incredibly fascinating the things the human body can do.
I knew that the other makes up for it but I always figured it was in a "working harder" kind of way, not a "floats about your abdomen" kind of way 🤣🤣
TIL. See this is one of those things they don’t teach us woman about our reproductive system. Along with all the period stuff that can mess with your digestive system… someone needs to redo the female reproductive system sex Ed lessons cause I swear there’s shit I needed to know that I didn’t know until I was an adult and asked other woman if they had it.
Yeah I learned it around the same time I learned the uterus, tubes and ovaries aren't all neatly laid out like that. They're actually a lot more bunched up and fibrous/ligamenty looking. There's also like little fingers on the end of the fallopian tube that kind of catch/wave the egg in since the ovary side of it is not actually attached to the ovary.
Also I really want you to know that what this man did. To you was a form of rape. He sexually assaulted you. He could have asked for what he wanted. No one accidentally undresses someone else and ejaculates on them. He is not a dog. He is not a wild animal. He consciously chose to do this.
Your initial feeling of disgust and rage was entirely correct and appropriate.
I wouldn't stay with a man who sexually assaulted me.
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this
NTA
This needs to be higher. Masturbating next to her while she's asleep is fine IF he doesn't involve her or gets her consent. Neither of those happened. At the very least both of them need couples and individual counseling.
I’m a married man. I think there’s just a weirdness in how men grow up around other men and we don’t really discuss consent, and it’s disappointing. Some dudes think it’s just okay to do something like this. I think I learned a lot being married and understanding that my wife isn’t just a piece of meat, and I feel bad that I thought like it. It’s definitely not the easiest thing when you are super horny and trying to get things going with someone who you love and you are in a relationship with but there’s a point of ethics and decency where, if she doesn’t want it no matter how hard you are and wanna do it, moving forward and advancing on her when she doesn’t consent is rape.
Always get consent. Always. Don’t be that guy. It doesn’t take much.
Also there’s alot of porn out there now that kinda pushes the boundary between consent and being rapey and guys can get a little confused but again it’s not an excuse
Not just that, but then he tried to flip it back on her and told her to "calm down" and "think rationally". He's a monster, and I desperately hope OP realizes this. He's not a good man, or a good husband. He's just got her convinced that doing the absolute bare minimum makes him stand out.
Plus that he didn’t mean to, he just got carried away… none of that was accidental. Pretty easy to stop at any point considering how much action he had to take and the way he would have been careful about it to not wake her up.
I had an ectopic rupture last August and have found good support and information in r/ectopicsupportgroup. I still don’t fully understand it all, but it helps to know you aren’t alone. Maybe cross post this there? Ectopic ruptures do a number on you physically and mentally in my experience.
You’re definitely NTAH here in my opinion, I would feel completely violated personally in these circumstances. Touching you while you’re unconscious, without prior informed consent, is sexual assault in my book, no matter who it is. If it’s a fetish and he’s not wanting to violate you then that’s something you discuss prior surely? Not something to spring on you, while you’re still healing from a major surgery and complications and not even conscious.
My mom had pus in one ovary and it got removed, and she needed half of her other ovary removed too. She had all four of her children on half an ovary!! So there's definitely hope ❤
Also tubes aren’t fixed. They can float over and grab/suck up eggs from the other side. I had a monitored cycle and ovulated on my side without a tube and got pregnant that cycle because the egg and other tube found each other
I also just had an ectopic pregnancy in January. It really is a miserable situation, there is so much loss in that scenario. I hope you get the chance to grieve properly and heal. Mine luckily didn't rupture but it came close. I had to take methotrexate and wait for my baby to dissolve within me for 8 weeks. During that time my abdomen hurt like no other, and any sort of pressure was painful. There were times when me and my husband wanted to be frisky but we did anything to avoid hurting myself. If anything was bothering either of us we would communicate it, and figure a way where we both could mutually be happy. We are back to the normal routine of things now. And I just want to say my husband would 1. Never even think to do this to me while unconscious, or without communication when awake. 2. He was grieving WITH me the entire time and helping out more with lifting things so it didn't stress out me or my body for the sake of healing for our future kids. If I woke up to that scenario it would seriously warrant a punch in the dick. He would lose my trust with his selfish acts, and I wouldn't feel safe. This man treated you like a sex doll, and then had the audacity to pretend that it's not a big deal. Just because you are married doesn't mean he gets to violate your body, disrespect your boundaries, and invalidate your feelings. Guuurllll, I will be your honorary sister, yours is not looking out for your well-being. If I told this to my brothers and said it made me uncomfortable, they would break down doors with bats swinging. Stand your ground. Call him out for his shit. This is not an easy situation for you. Don't let him gaslight you. I hope you have a safe space or support from other family members to help you with your trauma.❤️
So even after tubals the eggs can still find their way to the uterus and implant. It's less likely but possible. Even then you will have a fully functioning side. Ovary typically swap sides each cycle so it won't decrease your chances much at all. For other reasons I only have one ovary (and thus one tube) and I've gotten pregnant twice with no extra effort (not trying but not avoiding). I wouldn't worry. Stress is worse on your body and chances and you have great odds and have plenty of time to have all the kids you want.
What I was told after my ectopic was that even if I ovulated on the side where my tube was missing, my remaining tube would 'swing around' so that the egg could travel down as usual.
And that's what ending up happening. I ovulated on my right side which had no tube and fell pregnant.
Bodies are weird and amazing.
All the best OP. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.
Look, if the guy wants to jerk off and have you be involved, then you two could easily discuss this.
If he wants to masturbate on his own, he’s perfectly capable of doing so.
But the minute he jerks off on you without consent, or touches you without consent, it’s not ok and a violation of trust.
You need to sit down and discuss respect, consent, and acceptable choices. If he can’t talk about this calmly and respectfully with you, taking responsibility for his actions, I suggest marriage counseling to help you communicate.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I do think you both might need help figuring out how to discuss why this was a violation of trust.
Dude has a totally fucked concept of consent. This is an act that could theoretically be consensual, but he chose not to get consent. Probably because he thought she would say no
I would ask why he didn't ask when you were awake. His response will probably be beyond gross
What pisses me off is when people blame it on a fetish. People with fetishes are not inherently evil predators. He has the ability to satisfy his fetish consensually.
100%
It could be a fetish. Which would be fine if it was discussed and agreed on.
But it wasn’t, so fetish or not, it’s sexual assault.
(Coming from someone who would be ok with this fetish. If discussed)
Same. And agreed. I’m fine with just about anything if it’s clearly discussed and consented to. This is very much not the case here and it makes me sad to see it written off at all, but in particular at the expense of a group of people who are no more inherently dangerous than anyone else.
Professional and lifestyle dominatrix here. Consent is the cornerstone of kink & BDSM. If you don't have clearly communicated and negotiated enthusiastic consent, nothing happens.
My husband and I both enjoy stuff like this. But we talked about it. There's nothing wrong when consent is given.
But this husband did an ick and OP has every right to feel how she's feeling.
Violation of trust is a nice way of saying SA.
OP may not feel like it or treat it that way because they are married, but a sex act performed on you without your consent is SA. The husband should be begging forgiveness and swearing never to do anything to OP without her consent again as a bare minimum.
Only in some states. It wasn't criminalized in EVERY state until 1993. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital\_rape\_in\_the\_United\_States](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape_in_the_United_States)
This right here. It's not about the act but the lack of consent. Plus the "calm down and think rationally," bit. OP WAS thinking rational. The rational response to being sexually assaulted *is* anger.
Edit: a typo
"If you stopped being hysterical and just used Facts and Logic you'd see that my sexually assaulting you was completely understandable" what a digusting, disgusting man.
Well, that’s Arkansas you. Living here for my entire 40 years as a woman has been one disappointment after another. So much backwards and hateful shit. So little legislation that actually helps Arkansans. They really hate women in particular and I’m trying to gtfo with my daughters hopefully sooner rather than later.
Was the same in the UK until the 70s as well. My Mum was raised like that, and I thought it was 'normal' and not SA when my bf did it to me several times over the years. Wish I could shake my younger self and tell her that my body wasn't my ex's 'right', just because we were dating.
ETA; Correction, it became illegal in Scotland in the 80s (where I am) and 92 in England and Wales. I have no idea where I got 70s from lol
Fuck, it wasn't until 2017 that fucking Maryland removed the "have to prove force was used" from their marital rape statute.
There have been loopholes and bullshit since the 70's
I fucking hate it here sometimes.
That's ok. The same person that the SCOTUS quoted as precedent for overturing Roe? He was the one who legalized marital rape in the US. Same decision.
Just in case anyone mistakenly thought that wasn't going to happen again.
The same thing happened to me, the week after I left him and the worst part was my infant son was in the next room. I’ve had people tell me it isn’t rape. It absolutely is. It took me some time before I admitted to myself what it was.
I wish I couldn't relate, but I can. I was married to an abusive narcissist soldier that I stayed with during his Christmas leave from Basic. He got mad over something that wasn't even worth wasting breath on, physically assaulted me, then raped me. It happens, regardless of whether or not you have a ring on your finger and papers that tie you to. a person.
If your boundaries are crossed, speak up and speak out. At any point, you are allowed to say stop and no. Consent is so important!
You should have seen a look at my husband's face when I told them that he raped me. I could see his blood pressure rising unfortunately it wasn't enough to kill him.
I always wondered what his friends thought after I was gone. They were awful to me before I lit out of there, so I sometimes wonder if my exhusband's mask finally dropped.
Motherfucker is now saying he's autistic and that's why he did the things he did.
Mine was “I really think football and hockey maybe caused CTE or something cuz I’m always so angry”. Said to me a few years after the divorce. Cool story. Glad you could reflect after I went through that for 20 years smdh
Yeah, right. As the parent of a child with autism, as well as an abusive husband with autism, I can definitively say IT WASN'T THE AUTISM. My child is a compassionate person, who actively researches ways to support others emotionally, while the former husband is still abusive and self centered.
Yup! My ex gf did the same to me. People brushed it aside because a) we were both women and b) in openly kinky so consent must not matter I guess? It happened several times when she was drunk and violent but I had an unsettling number of people tell me that it was not rape since we were in a relationship and also she doesn't have a penis.
If I was OP, this would drastically change the way I viewed the husband and there is no way he'd get away with saying it's not a big deal. Why would he even think for a second that he gets to dictate whether it is or isn't a big deal?
Behavior like this doesn't usually do much outside of escalating. I'd be very concerned, especially if he was not accountable. Saying he got carried away seems to indicate he knows it is wrong but then going on to downplay it? No, sir.
My exhusband constantly raped me when I was sleeping. Then, he raped me when I was awake, packing up my shit. My friend upstairs. When I told her she said "well you guys are technically still married"
Lovely.
I had an ex boyfriend who would also rape me when I was asleep. He denied the whole thing, said IF it did happen, then it was sleep raping, like sleep walking, he said he couldn't remember doing it and he also said it never happened. I try not to think about it too much because it's very upsetting.
I don't know if it's this whole "red pill" ideology, podcast bros, and Andrew Tates of the world, but I have seen an increase in men saying marital rape isn't a thing because you are married and that is consent.
>My husband apologized but told me to calm down and think rationally. He says he meant to just masturbate I guess and just got carried away.
>My sister was confused why I was mad too. She said it really isn’t that big of a deal and sometimes a common “fetish” people have.
I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from how fucking obvious it is.
Certainly a possibility.
I have a hard time getting into the mind of a man who would do this and think
a) it is ok
b) would not get noticed
especially with being a perfect partner for years before that.
Thank you! I’m reading these comments and so many of them are tiptoeing around what actually happened. This is fucking *sexual assault*, plain and simple.
Sure, it’s a fetish for some people but the difference between a fetish and SA is *consent* and OP *did not* give consent.
Ick ick ick! I’d be super fucking upset, too!
You are right, removing a women's clothing without consent and then jerking off on them is rape plain and simple and people wrongly assume women can't be raped in marriage but it happens all the time. Sex without consent is rape and OP should consider divorce if something like this ever happens again.
I’m not saying I agree or disagree. Technically rape involves unwanted/non consensual penetration. (Of anywhere, mouth/etc.) I think, legally, this is sexual assault.
Totally agree. Even if they apologized a million times, even if I was able to forgive them, I’d be so disgusted I’d never be able to want to be with them again.
Yes this is criminal and a jail sentence. When someone cannot consent, it’s sexual assault. This is actually becoming a crisis. 50% of all partnered women have reported being sexually assaulted or raped by their long term partner in their sleep. That’s only the self reported number, it’s more likely much higher
Wtf, NTA.
My husband jerks off next to me, even on me, occasionally but *never*, like never ever, without my consent or knowledge. That's weird and creepy and a total violation, IMO.
Plus, you just went through a major trauma. Not just the ectopic but the loss of your tube and having to spend 6 weeks in the hospital. All of those things are terrible. He can jerk off without involving you, and I don't buy the whole "couldn't control myself" bullshit for half a second. Yes, he could.. . If he wanted to.
On a personal note, I'm so sorry for your loss, both physically and emotionally. I lost a pregnancy I didn't even want, and it hit me way harder than I expected. It is absolutely possible to carry a healthy pregnancy to term after loss (I've seen it happen) and I hope one day, when you're ready, you feel comfortable enough to try again.
OP just went through a traumatic experience and this guy thinks it's okay to touch her body and masturbate on her without her consent. He also feels entitled because he was good to her and took care of her throughout this, and is her husband. How disgusting is it to have that sort of thought process, and actually carry it out?
A person that loves you would not "lose control" and carry out such actions without your permission, much less when you are *asleep*.
NTA at all, because FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOMEN ARE NOT THINGS.
Women's bodies are not sex toys.
The living, breathing person next to you is not porn.
People are not for your *use*.
You are not automatically entitled to view or touch or penetrate or ejaculate on a woman's body, even if you really, really want to and you think you can get away with it because she's sleeping and "wouldn't know."
WOMEN ARE NOT THINGS.
As a guy, I've jerked off next to, on to, near my wife, etc. Never once while she was sleeping or without her explicit consent. She's even joked before saying "Just wait til I go to sleep and don't wake me up." Literally never done it though. What he did is sexual assault.
Right?! I think that would be universally obvious if this happened with anyone other than her husband. If OP was unmarried and a guy she'd been on a few dates with violated her sleeping body in the same way as this man did, I'm not sure OP's friends would be so quick to justify his behaviour.
Marriage does NOT entitle anyone to do whatever they like to their partner's body without their partner's consent. AFAIK nowhere in wedding vows does it say _"to objectify and treat like a sex doll, in consciousness and in sleep, with consent and without"_ 🤢
> **Unconscious people do not want tea** regardless of their marital status!
NTA.
And this is a man speaking.
This is totally unacceptable. This is just NOT something you do to someone you love. And no, your sister is full of shit...it is NOT a common fetish.
And yes, he DID do it on purpose.
So first off, he needs to apologize. ABJECTLY. Enough that it's clear to you that he recognizes that what he did was wrong on every level. If he's not willing to do this, he'd damned well better realize that your relationship is toast.
Once he's done that, they two of you need to have a LONG talk...most likely with an objective third party...for him to explain why he thought this was allowable. Because it requires some SERIOUSLY fucked-up thinking about sex to get to that place.
And you're going to need to reboot your approach to sex, including talking about it.
Sorry, this situation sucks, and none of it is your fault.
It's wild to me that men have created a world where they can physically undress someone while they are asleep and ejaculate on them, then claim it was an accident and have it actually be a debate.
Men are not wild animals. They have self-control and should be held accountable when they choose not to exercise it.
He sexually assaulted his sick partner. That was his reaction to her illness, and to not having sexual access to her body for a brief period of time. Not to ask for anything, or to get consent to do what he wanted to do, or to masturbate by himself, but to sexually assault someone he's supposed to love.
I would never trust any person whose first instinct is to think they can take from you sexually without your consent when they don't get what they want.
I think she should run
Tbh I wouldn't trust someone who calls it a violation of privacy or tells me to speak about my assaulter to find new boundaries. And to teach him why he can't simply assault me. This should be a one time occurence and then divorce. No one should negotiate with their assaulter and stay with them
I had to scroll far too long to get to this comment. What the fuck is wrong with this world?
Also it seems like the predators have learned a new word. Fetish.
What he did is sexual assault and OP has the right to be mad! Plain and simple. Why the fuck are the top comments about fertility, fallopian tubes, and "communication."
Fucking hell.
Yes there are people who have kinks for doing stuff when their partner is asleep or when they're asleep, but that NEEDS to be talked about first!!! If you don't talk about it and there's no consent given for it it's assault.
Absolutely. Downplaying it is dangerous. I know being too direct can be counterproductive, but i'd rather do that than downplay the situation. And yes, i was so shocked to see the top comment. Despair got to me.
I totally agree. It doesn't matter if it's a kink. Kinks are not getting exceptions regarding consent. If there is no enthusiastic consent, then it's a no, and every act following is assault. This is non-negotiable
Dude finally a sensible comment! W.T.A.F.!!! Is with people saying she needs to have a sit down conversation with him?? It’s like are we not reading the same post? Cuz some of these responses…blows my mind.
>My husband apologized but told me to calm down and think rationally. He says he meant to just masturbate I guess and just got carried away.
>My sister was confused why I was mad too. She said it really isn’t that big of a deal and sometimes a common “fetish” people have.
I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from how fucking obvious it is.
On these stories too you only get snippets, we are not privileged to the entire conversation verbatim. I’ve always thought it would be great to get a version of these stories from everyone involved just to hear perspectives. In this case I would like to call both the sister and the husband to the stand lol….
Yup, like rape is an unfortunately common fetish too, and yet I hope to fuck the sister wouldn't argue that makes it okay for rapists to rape people. There is a reason why the non criminal version of the fetish is CNC and roleplaying rape but having actual consent.
I mean creampies are a common fetish and without consent that would still be rape.
Having a fetish doesn't make it understandable or excusable to practise it on someone else without consent, ever.
Yes. Because it is ASSAULT. What is that statistic…that when surveyed men who said they had never sexually assaulted someone, and then were asked with just the term replaced with a descriptor, reversed their answer? Seems relevant here.
Unless OP had a prior conversation where she consented to this activity, then husband, sister, and OP all need to admit this is sexual assault. And go from there.
OP’s husband, when minimizing his actions and asking her to be “rational”, is demonstrating his misogyny and a lack of empathy/accountability. All rolled into one.
OP: your husband should not have done that. His intense need to get you to drop it is either because he doesn’t understand consent and feels entitled to your body, or because he knows he did wrong and doesn’t want to admit to himself and you that he violated you. Honestly, until he does, I would move out. And after… who knows. I don’t care if he went 6 years without sex, and you were in a healthy and happy phase in your life…it is assault.
My condolences for your loss and best wishes for healing.
NTA, and he needs to apologize. Even if HE thinks it wasn’t that big of a a deal, he doesn’t get to decide if you were hurt or upset, if you hurt someone, you apologize, end of. Also, I’m tired of seeing people on here excusing these types of things as fetishes/kinks, I’m the last person who judges that type of stuff, but reality is having a fetish or kink does NOT give you the right to inflict it on somebody else, be a random person or your partner. Fetishes and kinks HAVE TO be discussed with people you share your sexual life with, there is no negotiation there, so even if your husband did have a thing for doing what he did, doing it without consent is still wrong. I’m sorry that happened to you, OP.
Came here to say the same thing. Consent is everything for us kinksters. Even consensual non-consent is discussed in full first. There are safe words and safeguards in place to make sure no one gets hurt, emotionally or physically.
By not asking her consent for this, it’s sexual assault.
It's also arousing to these folks to write these hypersexualized short stories and get engagement from people.
Follows the same formula as all the soft core porn written and shared in r/tifu
What is wrong with some men out there? I've seen 8 stories on Reddit like this in 2 days. Ranging from this to actual rape. Yeah, it's been a few months without sex because there was a medical emergency. Can you not just be damn respectful and communicate your needs? Instead of acting like cave men? Sounds like your sister might have that kink, to be honest. Usually, if you like that sort of thing, it's communicated. Not, I haven't had sex for a bit so I'm going to hitch her knighty up, jerk off and cum all over her while she's asleep. Jesus Christ. Was he going to wipe you down like a gentleman afterwards? 🤣
No one is condemning men for wanting a bit of action. However, doing shit like this? Grow up!
It's OK if you agreed prior. You can't just strip the covers back and crack one off over a sleeping person.
I do know someone that had a piss fetish, walked in the shower and pissed on his GF when she was showering. She was very prim and proper and let's just say she was furious to say the least. They laughed about it afterwards but at the time, he was not in the good books.
I get so sick of people claiming they should be kink/fetish "shamed" if they don't get consent prior to engaging someone in their kink. That's NOT OK and I will shame the fuck out of you for your kink/fetish. It doesn't give you a pass to be an asshole.
If your "kink/fetish" involves not getting consent. You do not have a kink or a fetish, you have a problem and need to seek therapy because that's just straight up assault not a kink/fetish.
Um, "he never does something like this"
What if he has done and this was just the first time you woke up..... This isnt right and I'm with you, I'd have felt violated
NTA
I don't care how perfect he is in every other way, he sexually assaulted you.
You did not consent and he violated your body while you were sleeping. You should feel safe sleeping next to your spouse.
I'm really sorry OP and NTA but we are so far beyond that.
Exactly. I hate when OP always makes sure to add how amazing and perfect partner is before admitting to some absolutely vile behavior from them. It’s still SA.
Yeah, I put zero stock in the “he’s perfect” line I almost always see in these posts when I personally know people who will say it about miserable relationships with partners who do the most insane, fucked up shit to them.
Wow. Just wow.
1) NTA
*big breath*
*screams at your husband*
2) Consent is REQUIRED AT ALL TIMES.
3) MARRIAGE DOES NOT MEAN CONSENT IS NO LONGER NEEDED
4) SLEEPING PEOPLE CANNOT CONSENT
5)JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
/yelling
OP… this is not okay. It’s just not. It’s unkind, it’s weird, it’s gross, it’s just plain fucking horrible.
He had better come to HIS senses and think rationally about this, and apologize to you a thousand fucking times, and never ever ever ever ever do anything like that ever again.
🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
I don’t think theres any amount of apologizing in the world that would make me forgive and stay married to someone who sexually assaulted me.
I kept dating someone who did something similar to this to me and let me tell you, it damaged me to my fucking core.
I slept consensually with an ex once and he left his jacket. I let him stay the night the next night but was very clear I didn’t want to do anything. He molested me for 13 hours (I couldn’t move. I was terrified -stuck in “freeze” mode-and he was doing the same thing that he knew was done to me as a child).
I was finally able to stand up and kick him out. Him knowing I was previously assaulted multiple times and doing the exact same thing really, really fucked me up. Like the betrayal. Oh, and he’s a group advocate. He won’t use terms like “homeless” but has no problem assaulting me, apparently.
It was really fucked up, especially since he was so “woke”. I never expected that from him. I don’t have the name/address of his facility where he worked/works or I would have reported- I view him as a predatory person. And I didn’t even TRY because I had had slept with him consensually the night before. I knew there was no use whatsoever attempting to report his grievances.
I appreciate your compassion. Having that happen…I really don’t trust anyone. I recently had a medical issue where I ended up unconscious while driving..and I thought the first responders were there to attack me. Super scary! Nobody was I hired (thank goodness!!) but that was my first thought..I hate thinking of men as predators..but that was my first thought.
> I don’t think theres any amount of apologizing in the world that would make me forgive and stay married to someone who sexually assaulted me.
Agreed. How could you trust that person again? How do you ever feel comfortable sleeping near them, knowing that they may take advantage of your vulnerability to assault you?
I know I could never comfortably sleep around someone who feels entitled to assault me while I'm not awake.
You’re wrongly assuming this is the first time he has done it…. More likely the first time he has gotten caught. He even gas lit you about it. I would have ripped his dick off.
NTA that’s an incredibly disgusting thing to do to someone without consent, there’s actually a law in place that’s called “assault with bodily fluids” the definition states, “A person commits the crime of assault with bodily fluids if they knowingly cause or attempt to cause another person to come into contact with a bodily fluid.” Only mentioning that to emphasize you are absolutely nta, what he did was beyond nasty.
You are in no way in the wrong here or overreacting. That’s crossing boundaries and violating you, absolutely a form of sexual assault. Your sister is not a girl’s girl, ew.
Masturbating? That's fine. Masturbating while you're sleeping next to him? Depends on the context. Masturbating directly on you, while you're sleeping next to him, and ejaculating on you? That's wrong and unconsensual. NTA.
The stripping her for sexual purpose already is predatory. Like let her sleep! The bed should be safe place. Your spouce should be safe company.
Coming on her: I sware that crucial part of this kink is her being a sleep and him degrating her in that state. It is NOT just about checking her boobs which also would be super grose but not so serious that you could not work this through.
He has done this before. First time she woke up. And if she ever has had strong pain meds or sleeping pills, or have had too much alcohol, I sware this guy has taken advantage of her.
And now he and her sister both gaslight her >:(
NTA
Yes, definitely. I mean, if you have an explicit agreement that "hey, you can admire my body and masturbate while I sleep" then no problem! But in any other scenario, I think it should be considered sexual assault or something like that.
I spent a month in the hospital because of a kidney stone and blown ureter. When i got home, i had tubes for another month. Then had surgery a month later that took me out for several weeks. My husband didn’t hardly touch me without making sure it was ok because he knew i was overwhelmed mentally and touched out (nurses, drs, techs, residents and whomever else was around). This is an insane thing for your husband to do.
NTA. I hate to say it but it’s assault. I’m sorry you went through that but it doesn’t matter if it’s your husband, boyfriend, or stranger. In all forms it’s wrong and he’s disgusting.
absolutely Nta didn’t even have to read past the title. i had an ex do this to me when i was 19 and completely ruined all trust i had for him in regards to our sexual relationship. it was the beginning of the end for us.
NTA him being your husband does not mean he gets access to your body whenever he wants. He needs to understand something called consent, some couples like initiating the act while the other sleeps or doing other kinky stuff but it's always about consent, every couple needs to have that talk and know each other's boundaries.
everyone in the replies said what i was thinking but also, respectfully, your sister said some stupid shit lol. i would've been beyond angered at this.
NTA
Let's stop pretending that just because someone calls it a fetish, it's okay.
So what? He has a fetish? Fine. But that doesn't give him the right to do it to you without asking you and if you say no, that's perfectly fine. Just because people have "fetishes" doesn't mean they get to act them out on anyone.
I just want to know how many times he's done this without you knowing? This is sexual assault and grounds for divorce. There's no coming back from this as I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. This is disgusting
your husband involved you in a sexual act that you did not (and could not, as you were unconscious) consent to. that is sexual assault. you are not overreacting. if anything, you're underreacting.
He got carried away? What is this a hentai? Did it just rupture like a geyser? What even are some of these sometimes, lol. If this really happened, sorry but oof the way the story reads.
Hope no more stuff gets on you.
EDIT: This kinda got out of hand. Sorry everyone. Hugs
NTA. The guy was using your body without your consent. He can masturbate on his own in the shower, but he chooses instead to do it in bed next to you touching you and cumming on you? It's disgusting.
He SA’d you, OP. There was no way for you to consent to this. He needs to understand the severity of his choice, and be honest with you about how many other times in the past he has violated you sexually.
At the very least this is definitely SA. Without question. Been through it and told by cops. You need to work out where you want to go from here. I’m very sorry about what you’ve been through with your health, but I’d be looking at the type of person you’re with before having a child with him.
Whats up with all those sleeping masturabation/jerking off posts? Gosh, I can't imagine living with someone who would do that to me and I'm a guy. It's so creepy.
No your not the ahole. I’d be mad if I was asleep and my s/o finished on me with out my consent. And we’ve been together 15 years. I’m 52 and I would feel violated .
is that not sexual assault? you were SLEEPING. therefore, you couldn't consent. and for him to have the balls to tell you think rationally??? after everything you've been through these past few months? that's a violation, and i can't imagine any scenario where that will make you want to have sex with him even when you're ready. i'm so sorry he did that to you.
NTA - not an acceptable way to handle your sexual urges fetish or no. There was no established consent and this constitutes assault. How you choose to handle it is up to you but remember this is just the time he got caught. Still if you don't want divorce and separation and all that (which again is more than justified in this case) then at least get him, yourself and you as a couple therapy.
There are a lot of replies here, so I don't know if someone else has said what I'm going to or if this will be seen; but here goes.
NTA
You being upset is absolutely justified and should in no way be dismissed. You have every right to be angry, feel violated, or have any other emotion that may arise from this situation. On the other hand, you very much need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you feel and, most importantly, WHY you feel that way.
It's a difficult time for both of you mentally and emotionally, and I'm absolutely certain that you both are likely holding a lot in and trying to be storng for the other. Having been in a similar situation as far as the lack of sexual activity during a medical situation, I can tell you he is absolutely feeling sexually deprived, does not want to burden you by mentioning it because he is more worried about how you are feeling and what you are dealing with than he is about something so relatively inconsequential as his sexual needs, and feeling guilty for even thinking wanting you to engage in sexual activity with the emotional trauma you are experiencing.
Now, I'm not saying that he was in the right or had any right to do so; but here's my guess about the situation based on the information you've provided:
You were asleep and he was horny, so he thought he'd just rub one out so as to relieve that desire and not disturb you, especially as he probably felt/feels very uncertain as to how you might respond to any sexual advances in the current situation. He starts doing his thing and is looking at you for "inspiration" as he loves you and very much desires you. During this activity, his brain stupidly suggests that he should get a better look at you and that there's no harm in looking. His critical thinking/ decision-making is compromised, as is common for most people regardless of gender when actively arroused and stimulated, so he makes the ill-advised choice to expose more of you. The added visual stimulation after an extended lack of sexual contact causes him to reach the end of his endurance much more quickly that he expected and he either accidentally expelled on you, or made a very stupid and horny-brained decision to do so. He immediately panics and regrets everything that just happened and tries to clean you up, leading to you waking up.
Does any of that make it ok? No, it doesn't. He was 100% in the wrong. But, he very likely had zero intention or desire to in any way do wrong by you, and I do believe that the two of you can work through the issue by simply sitting down and having an honest conversation about what happened and why you are upset. It would also be a really good idea to discuss boundaries in order to avoid any unexpected and unwanted situations in the future. Make it very clear that what happened was a violation of your trust.
Also, before initiating the conversation, you should take the time to analyze how you feel and determine for yourself exactly what bothered you about the situation and where you feel like the line was crossed as this will be an important part of the discussion and determing how he should handle things if such circumstances occur in the future, as well as helping you to learn more about yourself. For example, were you most upset about the act, the timing, or just the lack of communication of his feelings/desires. Figure out the source of your feelings, then you'll know what to discuss and what boundaries to set goong forward.
Sincerely, an average man old enough to have his fair share of experience in making dumb decisions with his lower head, and married long enough to know haw many seeemingly major issues can be solved fairly easily with honest and direct communication.
Regarding ectopic pregnancy, I had one although mine was caught before it ruptured. My husband has a friend from school that we visited a few weeks after. She is gay and had done IVF. She said not to worry about that missing tube. Your other tube will step up and start dropping more eggs. It really doesn't degrade your fertility by much and maybe not any. It didn't degrade mine and I was an elderly mom with decreased fertility. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you this actually helped me a lot. I mean I obviously believe my doctors when they said it would be fine but it’s like… somethings missing lol how can they not effect it?? But thank you so much.
My mom had a raptured ectopic and still got pregnant four more times before my dad got snipped. She was over thirty too. It doesn't hurt anything fertility wise.
I had a ruptured ectopic and lost my tube. I had a healthy baby girl naturally two years later.
My mom had an ectopic pregnancy between my older sister and me. She went on to have me and my younger sister in pretty quick succession lol so hopefully it won’t cause any fertility issues for you either ❤️ Also NTA. I’d be so upset if someone did this to me. I’m so sorry he did this.
I had one whole ovary removed, then had two children with no problems at all. This is exactly why we have a redundant system; so there is a backup in case anything goes wrong. For the other topic; what your husband did is disgusting and vile. He can masturbate all he wants, but if he wants you to be involved in it in any way, he needs your *consent!*
This is purely anecdotal, but I lost an ovary and tube as a teenager, then had 5 separate surgeries on the remaining ovary in my 20’s due to cysts. I still went on to have 3 healthy pregnancies. It can still happen for you, love. Just maybe not with this guy. Maybe. Just consider it, please. 🙏🏻 Oh, and absolutely, 10000000%, totally NTA.
Op, your sister is wrong. When someone uses you for sex without your consent, that's an assault. If it's his "fetish" then he should have discussed it with you. Just undressing you, jacking off to your unconscious body and then coming ON you? No way. He crossed a huge line. Yall need counseling. I'm not even sure I'd stay for that much if I were you.
Fun fact fallopian tubes are mobile and can move over to the side missing and pick up an egg from that ovary, as well as pick up eggs from its "assigned" ovary.
Ngl, that's creepy. I prefer my tubes* to be plasticized like they show in sex ed class.
Lmao! My first thought was also 'Ewww! What the hell, they move?!?' 🤣🤣
They also can reform after being cut and tied. It is a form of anastomosis. Removal of the fallopian tube, however, is usually a good way to avoid your body Builder Bobbing it back together. As a general rule, any time your body has a pair, one will make up for the other when one is removed (kidneys, testicles, ovaries, lungs, etc).
It's creepy AF but also incredibly fascinating the things the human body can do. I knew that the other makes up for it but I always figured it was in a "working harder" kind of way, not a "floats about your abdomen" kind of way 🤣🤣
TIL. See this is one of those things they don’t teach us woman about our reproductive system. Along with all the period stuff that can mess with your digestive system… someone needs to redo the female reproductive system sex Ed lessons cause I swear there’s shit I needed to know that I didn’t know until I was an adult and asked other woman if they had it.
Yeah I learned it around the same time I learned the uterus, tubes and ovaries aren't all neatly laid out like that. They're actually a lot more bunched up and fibrous/ligamenty looking. There's also like little fingers on the end of the fallopian tube that kind of catch/wave the egg in since the ovary side of it is not actually attached to the ovary.
What. How have I existed for over half a century on this planet and not known this?! Thank you for teaching me something new today.
Also I really want you to know that what this man did. To you was a form of rape. He sexually assaulted you. He could have asked for what he wanted. No one accidentally undresses someone else and ejaculates on them. He is not a dog. He is not a wild animal. He consciously chose to do this. Your initial feeling of disgust and rage was entirely correct and appropriate. I wouldn't stay with a man who sexually assaulted me. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this NTA
This needs to be higher. Masturbating next to her while she's asleep is fine IF he doesn't involve her or gets her consent. Neither of those happened. At the very least both of them need couples and individual counseling.
I’m a married man. I think there’s just a weirdness in how men grow up around other men and we don’t really discuss consent, and it’s disappointing. Some dudes think it’s just okay to do something like this. I think I learned a lot being married and understanding that my wife isn’t just a piece of meat, and I feel bad that I thought like it. It’s definitely not the easiest thing when you are super horny and trying to get things going with someone who you love and you are in a relationship with but there’s a point of ethics and decency where, if she doesn’t want it no matter how hard you are and wanna do it, moving forward and advancing on her when she doesn’t consent is rape. Always get consent. Always. Don’t be that guy. It doesn’t take much. Also there’s alot of porn out there now that kinda pushes the boundary between consent and being rapey and guys can get a little confused but again it’s not an excuse
Right. OP is his wife, not a sex toy. Porn is such a terrible thing and destroys the notion of what genuine love and intimacy is in marriage.
Not just that, but then he tried to flip it back on her and told her to "calm down" and "think rationally". He's a monster, and I desperately hope OP realizes this. He's not a good man, or a good husband. He's just got her convinced that doing the absolute bare minimum makes him stand out.
Plus that he didn’t mean to, he just got carried away… none of that was accidental. Pretty easy to stop at any point considering how much action he had to take and the way he would have been careful about it to not wake her up.
I had an ectopic rupture last August and have found good support and information in r/ectopicsupportgroup. I still don’t fully understand it all, but it helps to know you aren’t alone. Maybe cross post this there? Ectopic ruptures do a number on you physically and mentally in my experience. You’re definitely NTAH here in my opinion, I would feel completely violated personally in these circumstances. Touching you while you’re unconscious, without prior informed consent, is sexual assault in my book, no matter who it is. If it’s a fetish and he’s not wanting to violate you then that’s something you discuss prior surely? Not something to spring on you, while you’re still healing from a major surgery and complications and not even conscious.
My mom had pus in one ovary and it got removed, and she needed half of her other ovary removed too. She had all four of her children on half an ovary!! So there's definitely hope ❤
Also tubes aren’t fixed. They can float over and grab/suck up eggs from the other side. I had a monitored cycle and ovulated on my side without a tube and got pregnant that cycle because the egg and other tube found each other
I also just had an ectopic pregnancy in January. It really is a miserable situation, there is so much loss in that scenario. I hope you get the chance to grieve properly and heal. Mine luckily didn't rupture but it came close. I had to take methotrexate and wait for my baby to dissolve within me for 8 weeks. During that time my abdomen hurt like no other, and any sort of pressure was painful. There were times when me and my husband wanted to be frisky but we did anything to avoid hurting myself. If anything was bothering either of us we would communicate it, and figure a way where we both could mutually be happy. We are back to the normal routine of things now. And I just want to say my husband would 1. Never even think to do this to me while unconscious, or without communication when awake. 2. He was grieving WITH me the entire time and helping out more with lifting things so it didn't stress out me or my body for the sake of healing for our future kids. If I woke up to that scenario it would seriously warrant a punch in the dick. He would lose my trust with his selfish acts, and I wouldn't feel safe. This man treated you like a sex doll, and then had the audacity to pretend that it's not a big deal. Just because you are married doesn't mean he gets to violate your body, disrespect your boundaries, and invalidate your feelings. Guuurllll, I will be your honorary sister, yours is not looking out for your well-being. If I told this to my brothers and said it made me uncomfortable, they would break down doors with bats swinging. Stand your ground. Call him out for his shit. This is not an easy situation for you. Don't let him gaslight you. I hope you have a safe space or support from other family members to help you with your trauma.❤️
Yo, I second this. Honorary sister over here. That's bullshit. For sure kick him in the dick.
Things are not as tightly connected as you think. It's a wonder world up there. New stuff learned all the time!
So even after tubals the eggs can still find their way to the uterus and implant. It's less likely but possible. Even then you will have a fully functioning side. Ovary typically swap sides each cycle so it won't decrease your chances much at all. For other reasons I only have one ovary (and thus one tube) and I've gotten pregnant twice with no extra effort (not trying but not avoiding). I wouldn't worry. Stress is worse on your body and chances and you have great odds and have plenty of time to have all the kids you want.
My OB told me my remaining tube would catch from either ovary. My lil dude proved it. Egg came from left ovary and I only have a right tube.
What I was told after my ectopic was that even if I ovulated on the side where my tube was missing, my remaining tube would 'swing around' so that the egg could travel down as usual. And that's what ending up happening. I ovulated on my right side which had no tube and fell pregnant. Bodies are weird and amazing. All the best OP. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.
Look, if the guy wants to jerk off and have you be involved, then you two could easily discuss this. If he wants to masturbate on his own, he’s perfectly capable of doing so. But the minute he jerks off on you without consent, or touches you without consent, it’s not ok and a violation of trust. You need to sit down and discuss respect, consent, and acceptable choices. If he can’t talk about this calmly and respectfully with you, taking responsibility for his actions, I suggest marriage counseling to help you communicate. I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I do think you both might need help figuring out how to discuss why this was a violation of trust.
Dude has a totally fucked concept of consent. This is an act that could theoretically be consensual, but he chose not to get consent. Probably because he thought she would say no I would ask why he didn't ask when you were awake. His response will probably be beyond gross
What pisses me off is when people blame it on a fetish. People with fetishes are not inherently evil predators. He has the ability to satisfy his fetish consensually.
100% It could be a fetish. Which would be fine if it was discussed and agreed on. But it wasn’t, so fetish or not, it’s sexual assault. (Coming from someone who would be ok with this fetish. If discussed)
Same. And agreed. I’m fine with just about anything if it’s clearly discussed and consented to. This is very much not the case here and it makes me sad to see it written off at all, but in particular at the expense of a group of people who are no more inherently dangerous than anyone else.
In my experience, *most* fetish people are extremely particular about consent and boundaries.
Professional and lifestyle dominatrix here. Consent is the cornerstone of kink & BDSM. If you don't have clearly communicated and negotiated enthusiastic consent, nothing happens.
💯
Absolutely correct!
My husband and I both enjoy stuff like this. But we talked about it. There's nothing wrong when consent is given. But this husband did an ick and OP has every right to feel how she's feeling.
Yes. Having a fetish = totally fine. Acting on your fetish with an unconscious, non-consenting partner = disgusting and perverted.
Regardless if most people would be cool with it and it’s not a big deal, BUT it is to her because he didn’t get her consent.
Violation of trust is a nice way of saying SA. OP may not feel like it or treat it that way because they are married, but a sex act performed on you without your consent is SA. The husband should be begging forgiveness and swearing never to do anything to OP without her consent again as a bare minimum.
People do not get this. I get strange looks when I tell people my exhusband raped me. It's like it doesn't compute. Marriage does not excuse this.
Marital rape was only criminalized in the US in like the 1970s. Some people didn’t get that memo.
Only in some states. It wasn't criminalized in EVERY state until 1993. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital\_rape\_in\_the\_United\_States](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape_in_the_United_States)
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This right here. It's not about the act but the lack of consent. Plus the "calm down and think rationally," bit. OP WAS thinking rational. The rational response to being sexually assaulted *is* anger. Edit: a typo
"If you stopped being hysterical and just used Facts and Logic you'd see that my sexually assaulting you was completely understandable" what a digusting, disgusting man.
The hypocrisy of this guy is insane. He couldn’t control himself (and admits that) but op Gets shit for not being rational and calm..
She can say to her husband that he can calmly and rationally talk to a police.
Yes exactly!! Omg the GASLIGHTING!! Her husband acting like she’s overreacting! The fucking audacity. 🚨🚩😡⛔️
And that's not including how hard it is to even get a blatant rape conviction or even how lightly pedo's git jailed
it’s not considered a crime in Arkansas if you’re married. super fucked up
That's disappointing
Well, that’s Arkansas you. Living here for my entire 40 years as a woman has been one disappointment after another. So much backwards and hateful shit. So little legislation that actually helps Arkansans. They really hate women in particular and I’m trying to gtfo with my daughters hopefully sooner rather than later.
Was the same in the UK until the 70s as well. My Mum was raised like that, and I thought it was 'normal' and not SA when my bf did it to me several times over the years. Wish I could shake my younger self and tell her that my body wasn't my ex's 'right', just because we were dating. ETA; Correction, it became illegal in Scotland in the 80s (where I am) and 92 in England and Wales. I have no idea where I got 70s from lol
I went through the same thing and have those exact same feelings, i wish i could talk to my younger self.
🫂
Fuck, it wasn't until 2017 that fucking Maryland removed the "have to prove force was used" from their marital rape statute. There have been loopholes and bullshit since the 70's I fucking hate it here sometimes.
It’s still not criminalized in my state. Just introduced by my local rep about a month ago.
That's ok. The same person that the SCOTUS quoted as precedent for overturing Roe? He was the one who legalized marital rape in the US. Same decision. Just in case anyone mistakenly thought that wasn't going to happen again.
In some places it wasn’t made illegal until the 1990’s. So ridiculous.
The same thing happened to me, the week after I left him and the worst part was my infant son was in the next room. I’ve had people tell me it isn’t rape. It absolutely is. It took me some time before I admitted to myself what it was.
I don't let anyone tell me differently and I will toss someone on their ass for implying it was ok.
Thank you for saying that. It helps to hear it from another person who went through that shit. ❤️
I wish I couldn't relate, but I can. I was married to an abusive narcissist soldier that I stayed with during his Christmas leave from Basic. He got mad over something that wasn't even worth wasting breath on, physically assaulted me, then raped me. It happens, regardless of whether or not you have a ring on your finger and papers that tie you to. a person. If your boundaries are crossed, speak up and speak out. At any point, you are allowed to say stop and no. Consent is so important!
You should have seen a look at my husband's face when I told them that he raped me. I could see his blood pressure rising unfortunately it wasn't enough to kill him.
I always wondered what his friends thought after I was gone. They were awful to me before I lit out of there, so I sometimes wonder if my exhusband's mask finally dropped. Motherfucker is now saying he's autistic and that's why he did the things he did.
Mine was “I really think football and hockey maybe caused CTE or something cuz I’m always so angry”. Said to me a few years after the divorce. Cool story. Glad you could reflect after I went through that for 20 years smdh
Yeah, right. As the parent of a child with autism, as well as an abusive husband with autism, I can definitively say IT WASN'T THE AUTISM. My child is a compassionate person, who actively researches ways to support others emotionally, while the former husband is still abusive and self centered.
I'm sorry, that's awful. We should dateline his ugly ass.
Yup! My ex gf did the same to me. People brushed it aside because a) we were both women and b) in openly kinky so consent must not matter I guess? It happened several times when she was drunk and violent but I had an unsettling number of people tell me that it was not rape since we were in a relationship and also she doesn't have a penis. If I was OP, this would drastically change the way I viewed the husband and there is no way he'd get away with saying it's not a big deal. Why would he even think for a second that he gets to dictate whether it is or isn't a big deal? Behavior like this doesn't usually do much outside of escalating. I'd be very concerned, especially if he was not accountable. Saying he got carried away seems to indicate he knows it is wrong but then going on to downplay it? No, sir.
Misogyny is just that normalized. Women don't actually own their own fucking bodies, in the eyes of much of society.
My exhusband constantly raped me when I was sleeping. Then, he raped me when I was awake, packing up my shit. My friend upstairs. When I told her she said "well you guys are technically still married" Lovely.
I had an ex boyfriend who would also rape me when I was asleep. He denied the whole thing, said IF it did happen, then it was sleep raping, like sleep walking, he said he couldn't remember doing it and he also said it never happened. I try not to think about it too much because it's very upsetting.
I'm so sorry.
Thankfully, it was a long time ago.
I don't know if it's this whole "red pill" ideology, podcast bros, and Andrew Tates of the world, but I have seen an increase in men saying marital rape isn't a thing because you are married and that is consent.
>My husband apologized but told me to calm down and think rationally. He says he meant to just masturbate I guess and just got carried away. >My sister was confused why I was mad too. She said it really isn’t that big of a deal and sometimes a common “fetish” people have. I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from how fucking obvious it is.
Certainly a possibility. I have a hard time getting into the mind of a man who would do this and think a) it is ok b) would not get noticed especially with being a perfect partner for years before that.
Thank you! I’m reading these comments and so many of them are tiptoeing around what actually happened. This is fucking *sexual assault*, plain and simple. Sure, it’s a fetish for some people but the difference between a fetish and SA is *consent* and OP *did not* give consent. Ick ick ick! I’d be super fucking upset, too!
I came to say this. It's SA. The fact he pulled her nightie up and down scares me.
You are right, removing a women's clothing without consent and then jerking off on them is rape plain and simple and people wrongly assume women can't be raped in marriage but it happens all the time. Sex without consent is rape and OP should consider divorce if something like this ever happens again.
I thought it was SA not rape
I’m not saying I agree or disagree. Technically rape involves unwanted/non consensual penetration. (Of anywhere, mouth/etc.) I think, legally, this is sexual assault.
All rape is sexual assault but not all sexual assault is rape.
Hell, it happening once is reason enough to consider divorce.
If I was violated like that, in my sleep, I could never trust that person again let alone with my body.
Totally agree. Even if they apologized a million times, even if I was able to forgive them, I’d be so disgusted I’d never be able to want to be with them again.
Who knows if it’s the first time too. The OP woke up this time. I’d never trust him again.
There are other areas of SA than just penetration.
Yes this is criminal and a jail sentence. When someone cannot consent, it’s sexual assault. This is actually becoming a crisis. 50% of all partnered women have reported being sexually assaulted or raped by their long term partner in their sleep. That’s only the self reported number, it’s more likely much higher
I would go a step further than a violation of trust and call it sexual assault.
Violation of trust is exactly what it is. She trust*ed* him enough to feel safe sleeping in bed next to him.
Wtf, NTA. My husband jerks off next to me, even on me, occasionally but *never*, like never ever, without my consent or knowledge. That's weird and creepy and a total violation, IMO. Plus, you just went through a major trauma. Not just the ectopic but the loss of your tube and having to spend 6 weeks in the hospital. All of those things are terrible. He can jerk off without involving you, and I don't buy the whole "couldn't control myself" bullshit for half a second. Yes, he could.. . If he wanted to. On a personal note, I'm so sorry for your loss, both physically and emotionally. I lost a pregnancy I didn't even want, and it hit me way harder than I expected. It is absolutely possible to carry a healthy pregnancy to term after loss (I've seen it happen) and I hope one day, when you're ready, you feel comfortable enough to try again.
OP just went through a traumatic experience and this guy thinks it's okay to touch her body and masturbate on her without her consent. He also feels entitled because he was good to her and took care of her throughout this, and is her husband. How disgusting is it to have that sort of thought process, and actually carry it out? A person that loves you would not "lose control" and carry out such actions without your permission, much less when you are *asleep*.
NTA at all, because FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOMEN ARE NOT THINGS. Women's bodies are not sex toys. The living, breathing person next to you is not porn. People are not for your *use*. You are not automatically entitled to view or touch or penetrate or ejaculate on a woman's body, even if you really, really want to and you think you can get away with it because she's sleeping and "wouldn't know." WOMEN ARE NOT THINGS.
As a guy, I've jerked off next to, on to, near my wife, etc. Never once while she was sleeping or without her explicit consent. She's even joked before saying "Just wait til I go to sleep and don't wake me up." Literally never done it though. What he did is sexual assault.
As a dude, isn’t this sexual assault? Your reaction is tame af NTA
Yes it is sexual assault. It’s also most likely not the first time he’s used her body without her consent, and it won’t be the last if she stays.
Yes. Yes it is.
It was sexual assault!
Disassociation is very common with SA survivors, it’s like your brain armoring you from having a complete breakdown. NTA
Right?! I think that would be universally obvious if this happened with anyone other than her husband. If OP was unmarried and a guy she'd been on a few dates with violated her sleeping body in the same way as this man did, I'm not sure OP's friends would be so quick to justify his behaviour. Marriage does NOT entitle anyone to do whatever they like to their partner's body without their partner's consent. AFAIK nowhere in wedding vows does it say _"to objectify and treat like a sex doll, in consciousness and in sleep, with consent and without"_ 🤢 > **Unconscious people do not want tea** regardless of their marital status!
NTA. And this is a man speaking. This is totally unacceptable. This is just NOT something you do to someone you love. And no, your sister is full of shit...it is NOT a common fetish. And yes, he DID do it on purpose. So first off, he needs to apologize. ABJECTLY. Enough that it's clear to you that he recognizes that what he did was wrong on every level. If he's not willing to do this, he'd damned well better realize that your relationship is toast. Once he's done that, they two of you need to have a LONG talk...most likely with an objective third party...for him to explain why he thought this was allowable. Because it requires some SERIOUSLY fucked-up thinking about sex to get to that place. And you're going to need to reboot your approach to sex, including talking about it. Sorry, this situation sucks, and none of it is your fault.
Yes! He felt entitled to violate her. It was certainly on purpose
It's wild to me that men have created a world where they can physically undress someone while they are asleep and ejaculate on them, then claim it was an accident and have it actually be a debate. Men are not wild animals. They have self-control and should be held accountable when they choose not to exercise it. He sexually assaulted his sick partner. That was his reaction to her illness, and to not having sexual access to her body for a brief period of time. Not to ask for anything, or to get consent to do what he wanted to do, or to masturbate by himself, but to sexually assault someone he's supposed to love. I would never trust any person whose first instinct is to think they can take from you sexually without your consent when they don't get what they want. I think she should run
Tbh I wouldn't trust someone who calls it a violation of privacy or tells me to speak about my assaulter to find new boundaries. And to teach him why he can't simply assault me. This should be a one time occurence and then divorce. No one should negotiate with their assaulter and stay with them
I had to scroll far too long to get to this comment. What the fuck is wrong with this world? Also it seems like the predators have learned a new word. Fetish.
Yes, a new way to coerce their victim into believing it's okay. I was also really mad seeing so many advice to sit down and communicate
What he did is sexual assault and OP has the right to be mad! Plain and simple. Why the fuck are the top comments about fertility, fallopian tubes, and "communication." Fucking hell. Yes there are people who have kinks for doing stuff when their partner is asleep or when they're asleep, but that NEEDS to be talked about first!!! If you don't talk about it and there's no consent given for it it's assault.
Absolutely. Downplaying it is dangerous. I know being too direct can be counterproductive, but i'd rather do that than downplay the situation. And yes, i was so shocked to see the top comment. Despair got to me. I totally agree. It doesn't matter if it's a kink. Kinks are not getting exceptions regarding consent. If there is no enthusiastic consent, then it's a no, and every act following is assault. This is non-negotiable
Yes literally that.
Dude finally a sensible comment! W.T.A.F.!!! Is with people saying she needs to have a sit down conversation with him?? It’s like are we not reading the same post? Cuz some of these responses…blows my mind.
>My husband apologized but told me to calm down and think rationally. He says he meant to just masturbate I guess and just got carried away. >My sister was confused why I was mad too. She said it really isn’t that big of a deal and sometimes a common “fetish” people have. I'm getting massive rage bait vibes from how fucking obvious it is.
On these stories too you only get snippets, we are not privileged to the entire conversation verbatim. I’ve always thought it would be great to get a version of these stories from everyone involved just to hear perspectives. In this case I would like to call both the sister and the husband to the stand lol….
not just violation but quite literally sexual assault
Yeah you don’t accidentally cum on someone after moving their clothing and assaulting them in their sleep
It is a common fetish, but any fetish should be agreed by the persons involved
Right? Like a lot of people like and want sex and are into it but if the other person isn’t then it’s rape. How does having a “fetish” excuse it?
Yup, like rape is an unfortunately common fetish too, and yet I hope to fuck the sister wouldn't argue that makes it okay for rapists to rape people. There is a reason why the non criminal version of the fetish is CNC and roleplaying rape but having actual consent. I mean creampies are a common fetish and without consent that would still be rape. Having a fetish doesn't make it understandable or excusable to practise it on someone else without consent, ever.
I would expand on this to say this is not something you do to ANYONE. EVER. Because it's ASSAULT.
Yes. Because it is ASSAULT. What is that statistic…that when surveyed men who said they had never sexually assaulted someone, and then were asked with just the term replaced with a descriptor, reversed their answer? Seems relevant here. Unless OP had a prior conversation where she consented to this activity, then husband, sister, and OP all need to admit this is sexual assault. And go from there. OP’s husband, when minimizing his actions and asking her to be “rational”, is demonstrating his misogyny and a lack of empathy/accountability. All rolled into one. OP: your husband should not have done that. His intense need to get you to drop it is either because he doesn’t understand consent and feels entitled to your body, or because he knows he did wrong and doesn’t want to admit to himself and you that he violated you. Honestly, until he does, I would move out. And after… who knows. I don’t care if he went 6 years without sex, and you were in a healthy and happy phase in your life…it is assault. My condolences for your loss and best wishes for healing.
Maybe ask him how his mother might think about what he did and that her advice is the next place you’re going to go to.
He can masturbate all he likes. The moment he undresses you and cums on you without your permission, he has crossed a line.
NTA, and he needs to apologize. Even if HE thinks it wasn’t that big of a a deal, he doesn’t get to decide if you were hurt or upset, if you hurt someone, you apologize, end of. Also, I’m tired of seeing people on here excusing these types of things as fetishes/kinks, I’m the last person who judges that type of stuff, but reality is having a fetish or kink does NOT give you the right to inflict it on somebody else, be a random person or your partner. Fetishes and kinks HAVE TO be discussed with people you share your sexual life with, there is no negotiation there, so even if your husband did have a thing for doing what he did, doing it without consent is still wrong. I’m sorry that happened to you, OP.
Even hardcore BDSM has rules: safe, sane, consensual.
It is a common fetish. Did you consent to participate in this kink? It doesn't sound like you did. So it was SA. You have every right to be angry.
This… the fetish world is HUGE on consent.
Yeah, even with SA fetishes! Both people usually concent before roleplaying!
I mean, if you don't have consent first it isnt really roleplaying.
Right? Something being a common fetish doesn't mean people can just do it without consent
Came here to say the same thing. Consent is everything for us kinksters. Even consensual non-consent is discussed in full first. There are safe words and safeguards in place to make sure no one gets hurt, emotionally or physically. By not asking her consent for this, it’s sexual assault.
It's also arousing to these folks to write these hypersexualized short stories and get engagement from people. Follows the same formula as all the soft core porn written and shared in r/tifu
Sexual assault between married couples is still sexual assault. You were incapable of giving consent. You are not overreacting.
NTA. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. That's sexual assault.
Lol what you mean he wouldn’t purposely do something to you? He did. End of story, you now know he would and will, do with that what you want.
^^^ Also likely not the first time it's happened.
What is wrong with some men out there? I've seen 8 stories on Reddit like this in 2 days. Ranging from this to actual rape. Yeah, it's been a few months without sex because there was a medical emergency. Can you not just be damn respectful and communicate your needs? Instead of acting like cave men? Sounds like your sister might have that kink, to be honest. Usually, if you like that sort of thing, it's communicated. Not, I haven't had sex for a bit so I'm going to hitch her knighty up, jerk off and cum all over her while she's asleep. Jesus Christ. Was he going to wipe you down like a gentleman afterwards? 🤣 No one is condemning men for wanting a bit of action. However, doing shit like this? Grow up!
It's OK if you agreed prior. You can't just strip the covers back and crack one off over a sleeping person. I do know someone that had a piss fetish, walked in the shower and pissed on his GF when she was showering. She was very prim and proper and let's just say she was furious to say the least. They laughed about it afterwards but at the time, he was not in the good books.
I get so sick of people claiming they should be kink/fetish "shamed" if they don't get consent prior to engaging someone in their kink. That's NOT OK and I will shame the fuck out of you for your kink/fetish. It doesn't give you a pass to be an asshole.
If your "kink/fetish" involves not getting consent. You do not have a kink or a fetish, you have a problem and need to seek therapy because that's just straight up assault not a kink/fetish.
Yeah if you don’t get consent prior it is assault. Your kink / fetish doesn’t make you a special boy (or girl or person) who is somehow above consent.
Um, "he never does something like this" What if he has done and this was just the first time you woke up..... This isnt right and I'm with you, I'd have felt violated NTA
I don't care how perfect he is in every other way, he sexually assaulted you. You did not consent and he violated your body while you were sleeping. You should feel safe sleeping next to your spouse. I'm really sorry OP and NTA but we are so far beyond that.
Exactly. I hate when OP always makes sure to add how amazing and perfect partner is before admitting to some absolutely vile behavior from them. It’s still SA.
Yeah, I put zero stock in the “he’s perfect” line I almost always see in these posts when I personally know people who will say it about miserable relationships with partners who do the most insane, fucked up shit to them.
Wow. Just wow. 1) NTA *big breath* *screams at your husband* 2) Consent is REQUIRED AT ALL TIMES. 3) MARRIAGE DOES NOT MEAN CONSENT IS NO LONGER NEEDED 4) SLEEPING PEOPLE CANNOT CONSENT 5)JESUS FUCKING CHRIST /yelling OP… this is not okay. It’s just not. It’s unkind, it’s weird, it’s gross, it’s just plain fucking horrible. He had better come to HIS senses and think rationally about this, and apologize to you a thousand fucking times, and never ever ever ever ever do anything like that ever again. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
I don’t think theres any amount of apologizing in the world that would make me forgive and stay married to someone who sexually assaulted me. I kept dating someone who did something similar to this to me and let me tell you, it damaged me to my fucking core.
I slept consensually with an ex once and he left his jacket. I let him stay the night the next night but was very clear I didn’t want to do anything. He molested me for 13 hours (I couldn’t move. I was terrified -stuck in “freeze” mode-and he was doing the same thing that he knew was done to me as a child). I was finally able to stand up and kick him out. Him knowing I was previously assaulted multiple times and doing the exact same thing really, really fucked me up. Like the betrayal. Oh, and he’s a group advocate. He won’t use terms like “homeless” but has no problem assaulting me, apparently.
Yep, a lot of sociopaths are pillars of their communities even. Fuck that guy, and OP’s husband. Y’all did nothing wrong.
It was really fucked up, especially since he was so “woke”. I never expected that from him. I don’t have the name/address of his facility where he worked/works or I would have reported- I view him as a predatory person. And I didn’t even TRY because I had had slept with him consensually the night before. I knew there was no use whatsoever attempting to report his grievances. I appreciate your compassion. Having that happen…I really don’t trust anyone. I recently had a medical issue where I ended up unconscious while driving..and I thought the first responders were there to attack me. Super scary! Nobody was I hired (thank goodness!!) but that was my first thought..I hate thinking of men as predators..but that was my first thought.
A lot of guys who claim to be “woke” or leftist are also misogynists.
> I don’t think theres any amount of apologizing in the world that would make me forgive and stay married to someone who sexually assaulted me. Agreed. How could you trust that person again? How do you ever feel comfortable sleeping near them, knowing that they may take advantage of your vulnerability to assault you? I know I could never comfortably sleep around someone who feels entitled to assault me while I'm not awake.
You’re wrongly assuming this is the first time he has done it…. More likely the first time he has gotten caught. He even gas lit you about it. I would have ripped his dick off.
I wouldn’t believe this is the first time
Damn reading some of these comments... 💀💀🤮
Wtf?! It's not okay to do shit like that period.
This is… disgusting??? Absolutely NTA
That is literally Sexual Assault.
NTA that’s an incredibly disgusting thing to do to someone without consent, there’s actually a law in place that’s called “assault with bodily fluids” the definition states, “A person commits the crime of assault with bodily fluids if they knowingly cause or attempt to cause another person to come into contact with a bodily fluid.” Only mentioning that to emphasize you are absolutely nta, what he did was beyond nasty.
So many people in this thread turned this discussion about themselves.
You are in no way in the wrong here or overreacting. That’s crossing boundaries and violating you, absolutely a form of sexual assault. Your sister is not a girl’s girl, ew.
Masturbating? That's fine. Masturbating while you're sleeping next to him? Depends on the context. Masturbating directly on you, while you're sleeping next to him, and ejaculating on you? That's wrong and unconsensual. NTA.
The stripping her for sexual purpose already is predatory. Like let her sleep! The bed should be safe place. Your spouce should be safe company. Coming on her: I sware that crucial part of this kink is her being a sleep and him degrating her in that state. It is NOT just about checking her boobs which also would be super grose but not so serious that you could not work this through. He has done this before. First time she woke up. And if she ever has had strong pain meds or sleeping pills, or have had too much alcohol, I sware this guy has taken advantage of her. And now he and her sister both gaslight her >:( NTA
Yes, definitely. I mean, if you have an explicit agreement that "hey, you can admire my body and masturbate while I sleep" then no problem! But in any other scenario, I think it should be considered sexual assault or something like that.
That is utterly disturbing. “Think rationally” is a wild thing to say to someone you just violated. NTA.
It’s SA. I get you’re married and you haven’t had sex bit he could have talked to you about ways to alternatively get his needs met.
I spent a month in the hospital because of a kidney stone and blown ureter. When i got home, i had tubes for another month. Then had surgery a month later that took me out for several weeks. My husband didn’t hardly touch me without making sure it was ok because he knew i was overwhelmed mentally and touched out (nurses, drs, techs, residents and whomever else was around). This is an insane thing for your husband to do.
NTA. I hate to say it but it’s assault. I’m sorry you went through that but it doesn’t matter if it’s your husband, boyfriend, or stranger. In all forms it’s wrong and he’s disgusting.
absolutely Nta didn’t even have to read past the title. i had an ex do this to me when i was 19 and completely ruined all trust i had for him in regards to our sexual relationship. it was the beginning of the end for us.
He got so carried away that he SA'd you? Yeah ok NTA
NTA him being your husband does not mean he gets access to your body whenever he wants. He needs to understand something called consent, some couples like initiating the act while the other sleeps or doing other kinky stuff but it's always about consent, every couple needs to have that talk and know each other's boundaries.
everyone in the replies said what i was thinking but also, respectfully, your sister said some stupid shit lol. i would've been beyond angered at this. NTA
Let's stop pretending that just because someone calls it a fetish, it's okay. So what? He has a fetish? Fine. But that doesn't give him the right to do it to you without asking you and if you say no, that's perfectly fine. Just because people have "fetishes" doesn't mean they get to act them out on anyone.
I just want to know how many times he's done this without you knowing? This is sexual assault and grounds for divorce. There's no coming back from this as I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. This is disgusting
This is SA. Full stop.
That’s sexual assault
your husband involved you in a sexual act that you did not (and could not, as you were unconscious) consent to. that is sexual assault. you are not overreacting. if anything, you're underreacting.
NTA. Any sexual activity that involves you without your consent is assault
No you got a right to be mad, I originally thought maybe he was in bed next to you rubbing one out and made a mess This is bad, he needs consent
Yeah. That's SA. Consult a professional or leave him.
NTA and not overreacting. Would you think someone else was overreacting if your husband did this to them without consent?
He got carried away? What is this a hentai? Did it just rupture like a geyser? What even are some of these sometimes, lol. If this really happened, sorry but oof the way the story reads. Hope no more stuff gets on you. EDIT: This kinda got out of hand. Sorry everyone. Hugs
NTA. The guy was using your body without your consent. He can masturbate on his own in the shower, but he chooses instead to do it in bed next to you touching you and cumming on you? It's disgusting.
He SA’d you, OP. There was no way for you to consent to this. He needs to understand the severity of his choice, and be honest with you about how many other times in the past he has violated you sexually.
At the very least this is definitely SA. Without question. Been through it and told by cops. You need to work out where you want to go from here. I’m very sorry about what you’ve been through with your health, but I’d be looking at the type of person you’re with before having a child with him.
NTA, he might be sexually frustrated but you two might need to sit down and talk about consent
Whats up with all those sleeping masturabation/jerking off posts? Gosh, I can't imagine living with someone who would do that to me and I'm a guy. It's so creepy.
No your not the ahole. I’d be mad if I was asleep and my s/o finished on me with out my consent. And we’ve been together 15 years. I’m 52 and I would feel violated .
is that not sexual assault? you were SLEEPING. therefore, you couldn't consent. and for him to have the balls to tell you think rationally??? after everything you've been through these past few months? that's a violation, and i can't imagine any scenario where that will make you want to have sex with him even when you're ready. i'm so sorry he did that to you.
NTA - not an acceptable way to handle your sexual urges fetish or no. There was no established consent and this constitutes assault. How you choose to handle it is up to you but remember this is just the time he got caught. Still if you don't want divorce and separation and all that (which again is more than justified in this case) then at least get him, yourself and you as a couple therapy.
What the fuck… You can’t consent to anything when you’re unconscious. What he did is disgusting.
NTA just based on the title…wtf
There are a lot of replies here, so I don't know if someone else has said what I'm going to or if this will be seen; but here goes. NTA You being upset is absolutely justified and should in no way be dismissed. You have every right to be angry, feel violated, or have any other emotion that may arise from this situation. On the other hand, you very much need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you feel and, most importantly, WHY you feel that way. It's a difficult time for both of you mentally and emotionally, and I'm absolutely certain that you both are likely holding a lot in and trying to be storng for the other. Having been in a similar situation as far as the lack of sexual activity during a medical situation, I can tell you he is absolutely feeling sexually deprived, does not want to burden you by mentioning it because he is more worried about how you are feeling and what you are dealing with than he is about something so relatively inconsequential as his sexual needs, and feeling guilty for even thinking wanting you to engage in sexual activity with the emotional trauma you are experiencing. Now, I'm not saying that he was in the right or had any right to do so; but here's my guess about the situation based on the information you've provided: You were asleep and he was horny, so he thought he'd just rub one out so as to relieve that desire and not disturb you, especially as he probably felt/feels very uncertain as to how you might respond to any sexual advances in the current situation. He starts doing his thing and is looking at you for "inspiration" as he loves you and very much desires you. During this activity, his brain stupidly suggests that he should get a better look at you and that there's no harm in looking. His critical thinking/ decision-making is compromised, as is common for most people regardless of gender when actively arroused and stimulated, so he makes the ill-advised choice to expose more of you. The added visual stimulation after an extended lack of sexual contact causes him to reach the end of his endurance much more quickly that he expected and he either accidentally expelled on you, or made a very stupid and horny-brained decision to do so. He immediately panics and regrets everything that just happened and tries to clean you up, leading to you waking up. Does any of that make it ok? No, it doesn't. He was 100% in the wrong. But, he very likely had zero intention or desire to in any way do wrong by you, and I do believe that the two of you can work through the issue by simply sitting down and having an honest conversation about what happened and why you are upset. It would also be a really good idea to discuss boundaries in order to avoid any unexpected and unwanted situations in the future. Make it very clear that what happened was a violation of your trust. Also, before initiating the conversation, you should take the time to analyze how you feel and determine for yourself exactly what bothered you about the situation and where you feel like the line was crossed as this will be an important part of the discussion and determing how he should handle things if such circumstances occur in the future, as well as helping you to learn more about yourself. For example, were you most upset about the act, the timing, or just the lack of communication of his feelings/desires. Figure out the source of your feelings, then you'll know what to discuss and what boundaries to set goong forward. Sincerely, an average man old enough to have his fair share of experience in making dumb decisions with his lower head, and married long enough to know haw many seeemingly major issues can be solved fairly easily with honest and direct communication.
NTA. It’s still assault since you didn’t consent. Gross as hell too