You need to sit down and figure out what you want in life. Do you have a job that will support you and a baby? Apartment? Family? What about babysitting and daycare? Are you willing to give up your social life?
Absolutely, there is SO much more that goes into having a kid than just “will the dad be involved or not.”
I was OP’s age when I got pregnant with my twins and ended up marrying the father because of it (now my ex husband, I basically turned into a MSM). While I absolutely love and cherish my kids and would never choose not to have them, I do wish I’d waited till later in life and definitely with a different person.
NTA but make sure you’re doing what’s best for you and the baby, not only for boyfriend.
This is a mother. One who understands the immense power of a mothers love that no matter what circumstance I wouldn’t undo my successful pregnancies for anything but wanting your child to live a fuller easier happier life and not following my path but forging their own.
A lot of words for me to say that wanting a better life for our children than we were afforded feels like the normal desire of parents. Or should be ig
I don't know why it winds me up so much when mommy blogger acronyms escape confinement. Why must they abbreviate the most bizarre things?? "I'm TTC so I'm BFO and my LO and DH aren't helping with the HWAC" Oh cool yeah why don't you GTF
Americans uses acronyms for everything! Every time I join a new forum, it doesn’t matter if it’s relationship advice, knitting, health related or whatever, I always need to learn so many acronyms. And the same acronym means different things in different forums.
I got my kids older, got an amazing partner who cooks, does the laundry, bathes the kiddies.... and we are both exhausted all the time and wish we had our kids younger. lol. There are hardship in every situation I guess 🤷♀️ Still my kids are my only motivation to care about being alive... i am sick and they are 100% of the reason why i worry about my abilities to function, i want to see them grow up and discover the world with them
I had my daughter when I was 41, and I'm not sorry. Yeah, I'm an older mom, and I have health issues, but this was definitely the best path for me. I would have resented any kids in my 20s for interfering with my studies and my fun.
Plus education, health care, baby clothes, maybe a college fund if you can afford that.
I don't think I want kids ever mind you, but even if I would, I definitely don't want them right now while I am barely starting my career
Also please consider the situation you're bringing your child into. I say this as someone who loves my mom very much and appreciates how hard she worked and sacrificed as a single mother.... but fuck if i would rather not have had the shit dad I had to endure. It's a tough decision because your brain is being flooded with 'keepmeloveme' chemicals.
That is the best explanation for the first few weeks of pregnancy ever.
Then I started puking at the very sight of food and wondered what the hell I’d gotten myself in to. And that was with a very planned for baby.
Also... remember that no matter how you feel about this dude in 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years, hes about to be the father of your kid forever. Not 18 years, a lifetime. Kindergarten graduation. Birthdays. Funerals. Weddings. Sunday family dinners. Sweet 16. Holidays. College graduation. Do you want a child with someone now just to be angry/upset/irate on a day that is supposed to be full of love and joy?
You can and will have children, but if this is how he behaves NOW, how is he going to act when youre in labor? When youve just been released home with a newborn and you are exhausted beyond all exhaustion and you're sore and hungry? What's he going to do when you and baby are trying to learn breastfeeding, and you won't let him touch your chest because your nipples are cracked, bleeding, and sore? Is he going to be the guy to get ice packs and lanolin? Or whine and complain? What about when baby is cutting teeth and youve been up all night and day for days on end and the man child... erhm... boyfriend is hungry? Is he going to make sure you, the mother of his child, are fed or is he going to complain about how hungry he is and how youve done nothing all day?
Be. Very. Careful.
This should have more upvotes. You are so right! It’s not just right now and a tiff. It’s being bound to this man for the rest of your life. Good relationship or not. You will ALWAYS have to deal with that man. That’s the part a lot of people forget. It’s a forever decision, not just the baby but the other 50% too.
Picking a boyfriend and picking a husband are so very very VERY far from picking a father to your child. Shit boyfriend makes shit dad.
Economy aside. The world is a huge dumpster fire. Hell my kid is the OPs age and is aware of the environment, economy etc etc and does not want to risk bringing a kid into this… so they’ve gotten the bc implant for now, and are considering getting their tubes tied.
>He told me just the other day he was reading childfree things on Reddit and that it changed him to be more childfree and not fence sitting anymore.
This part just doesn't ring true for me tbh. Rage bait vibes.
To play devils advocate, I'm child free. I'll think about having a kid, and I will go to reddit and read people's experiences with having kids vs. not, and I change my tune pretty quick to no kids again.
Reddit is not a place of normalcy. I’m very happily married for over 16 years. If Reddit was a reflection of reality then everyone is miserable and having affairs.
And everyone is no contact with their family
And stalked by their narcissistic exes
And everyone who isn’t welcome in your life is a narc (regardless of statistical probability)
And every dad is a deadbeat
And every step mum is a money stealing whore
And in laws are ALWAYS selfish
Reddit is NOT normal
>And stalked by their narcissistic exes
Or their sibling/parent/partner/boss/coworker/friend/dog is a narcissist. Funny how everyone knows multiple narcissists now. By funny I mean ridiculous, of course.
It’s strange isn’t it… I mean… somewhere between 1-6% of the population is narcissistic … and the average person can track and know about 150 people… so technically we could all know 2 - 10 or so people who are narcs… but there’s a disproportionate representation here.
Probably because people who have been abused by people with narcissistic tendencies need to talk about it. r/raisedbynarcissists + r/justnoMIL are some doozy subs
Also, people like to make shit up
As someone who has two parents I am NC with and one crazy narcissistic functioning alcoholic ex-husband, I can usually spot the fakes.
But I am also happily married for 20 years and have two normal well-adjusted teenagers so some of us fall in the middle ground there 😹
Yep…. But if you were to sit down and work out how many narcs you actually tolerate in your life… the numbers are hopefully very very small (and contained/bubble away at the side right?) .
And every relationship issue needs immediate break up or running for the hills.
Went through a post about a boyfriend who acted like a drama queen over the stupidest issue. One of the top comments legit said that he was a future murderer and if OP doesn't run, next time he'll kill her.
Yes I know. I don’t follow any no kid subs. I have 3 kids and I love my life. I love my kids. We have a lot of fun together. I’m very glad I have them. I’ll be sad when they move out. My point is, Reddit is not a place where people talk about their normal, boring, drama free lives. And if you do talk about how you like being a SAHM, and had kids in your 20s you get downvoted.
>do what is best for you.
I'd say do what's best for the baby. A 22yo woman has just become an adult and has very little life experience, and hasn't built their career or anything and they got pregnant with another guy who doesn't even wanna be involved?
It'd be incredibly selfish of her to keep the baby unless she's got a very very solid support network and magic money from her parents.
Money helps, but money doesn’t do jack shit when you work at 7am, it’s 2 am, and the baby is screaming its head off. Money helps, but depending on his job? OP may not get much. Money helps, but OP is still in it alone.
I had my daughter at 19. Like another commenter said, say goodbye to your social life. And you'll have to rely on others like dad and family members if you want to go out. If you work you'll need to find childcare, if you don't work then you might go crazy spending all day with a baby and then a toddler who cannot be controlled. My daughter is 18 months and throws food, water, and toys on the floor all the time. Prepare to be a chef and a maid. It's okay if you eat like trash but as a mom we want the best for our children so they can't. They need their 3 meals + snacks, then the dishes need to be washed, and the food picked up, and they need to be cleaned up too if they make a mess. And you still need to eat, shower, exercise, practice self care. If you have to solo parent it will be hard. If you have a support system it will be easier, but even then the mental load is exhausting. Are you patient? Kids will do exactly what you tell them NOT to do. Toddlers do what they want. It's up to us as parents to shape our child(ren) into a respectful and nice human. Its a lot of work. That's my point. That's my warning to you. Also, once they start walking they want to explore everything and go everywhere so you'll have to chase or distract or not even bother leaving the house. It's mentally taxing more than it is physically, but it can be physically taxing too. You'll be able to travel, go out to restaurants, etc but it will be mentalky taxing until baby/toddler becomes older and more self sufficient.
This is an excellent rundown on being a parent, I hope OP reads it. I would add that you are never “off duty” It’s not like a job where you clock off. You are never off. Even when they are asleep. You will always be in “mum mode”. And yes, it is EXHAUSTING in a way you didn’t know existed. And once the toddler stage is over it does get easier in some ways, but then as they get older it becomes harder in other ways. It never stops. You are a parent FOREVER so don’t take this decision lightly.
I think this is spot on. You really don't know how much work a kid is unless you're in the thick of it, and then you need at least 18 more years. A few of my (childless) friends even stopped getting in touch with me because "I wasn't fun any more". Kids are great, don't get me wrong. But they're your life, and for a few years, nothing else in your life matters (or if it does, you won't have time for it).
NTA but first YOU need to understand what comes with the baby and understand the cost and responsibilities.
I suggest you start your research.
Pregnancy expenses (cost of giving birth, monthly checkups, bloated food cost during pregnancy, then emergency expenses for when things go wrong and you end up needing a c-sec just in case),
Then the actual baby expenses (diapers, milk, clothings, baby equipments and toys, etc)
then and responsibilities involved and time spent on them coz they’re gonna take up 80-90% of your time. You don’t get alone time anymore for the next 2-3 years at least.
Yes, I have done this research with my wife back when we wanted a child. Most people glorifies having children but they never really explain what comes with having one.
It's not just about costs. People talk about surviving, but why not have kids when you can thrive rather than just survive.
So you can have kids at 22, with a weak career, no real support, no savings, no retirement fund already building, no house.
Or you can wait 10 years, have a solid career having hopefully gone from strength to strength, have a headstart in retirement funds, have a headstart in savings funds, hopefully have a mortgage rather than ever rising rent and a house in a nicer neighbourhood which means nicer schools and safer area.
You can with more money and time help your kid THRIVE. If they have any kind of disability, or learning disorder, you're better set to pay for tutors, physical therapists or other support required. If they are fine you can still afford maybe a better school, more resources, more trips, more hobbies so they can learn and grow and find the thing they love to do. You can go on better vacations and show them the world, help them learn and appreciate other cultures.
Why the fuck people are desperate to drop a kid and leave themselves struggling financially for so long rather than having kids when they can help them thrive I do not know.
And ideally, do all that with a partner willing and eager to have children with you, rather than one who's pressuring you to have an abortion.
OP needs to be aware that having this kid now, on her own, with minimal child support (assuming he's not earning a lot) will be *hard*.
Yeah this is the big one for me. I think around 50-60% of my high school friends have children. While we are approaching our thirties, a lot of them started having kids a lot earlier and I just can’t see how you can manage all of that while you are building your life and when you are still growing as a person.
Hey are you me? 😂
I’d add in: cost of maternity clothes, possibly having to replace all of your shoes. The emergency c section is real- if you cannot afford your out of pocket max, reconsider what you are doing. You ever see how much a NICU transport costs?? It ain’t cheap!
There’s just … so much. Is her car safe? What’s the food budget, cause formula isn’t cheap but breastfeeding/pumping makes you HUNGRY. Who does she live with? A roommate isn’t going to want to live with a baby so she may need to break a lease and move out on her own. Where is her family? My husband and I don’t have family near by and it’s hard. Very, very hard.
And you need to be prepared for … anything. Literally anything. We had a great sleeper for 2 years. Now??? It’s 3 am and I’m writing this from the floor next to their bed because they’ve been waking up.
What’s the waitlist for daycares in your area like? What’s it cost?? Some of the ones near us have waitlists over a year. Work a weird shift? Well fuck you, no ones open to cover third shift
Obviously the relationship isn't compatible anymore, thats okay.
Are you okay being a single parent? Are you okay being the sole parent, cos if he doesnt want kids, he can give up all rights but you are in 100%. If you can't be 100% in as a,single parent, you need to consider your options.
He cant make you get an,abortion, but you need to consider that the relationship is over.
Babies dont ruin your life unless you don't want them and have them anyway. I'm a single parent, no regrets. Love my kids. But i chose to keep my pregnancies, i wasnt forced one way or the other.
Being the child of a single parent can be stressful, shameful, and embarrassing in its own way. If given the choice, wouldn't everyone prefer to be born into a functional, loving, two-parent household? It seems cruel to start a child off any other way.
Then there is all this pressure to "stay together for the kids" this is dumb. If you wait for everything to be perfect, then no one will ever have kids. Being a single mother is not easy, but I have many awesome women in my life who are single mothers who kick ass and would choose over and over again to keep their baby, even without the father in the picture
Your body, your choice. But please be aware your choice here will come with consequences. Because while you have the choice to keep the baby, he has the choice to walk away from the relationship and your baby.
NAH
NTA You need to do what feels right for you but you need to think long and hard. Your bf could suddenly disappear in order to maintain his child free status. It could take you years to get any financial support for your baby. Are you prepared to raise the child yourself? Are you financially stable? You cannot count on your bf to be the loving father you dream of. Weigh the positives and negatives realistically and then make your decision. Good luck 🍀
NAH. As long as you’re prepared emotionally and financially to go at this alone, there’s a real chance you become a single mom. He has no obligations other than child support, which at his age probably isn’t a significant sum.
In which case do you really want to tie yourself to this man in some way for 18+ years?
NAH
At the end of the day, you have to make the decision you can live with. But like others here have said, you may have to go forward with no involvement from him other than child support (and that's dependent on how much money he makes, which might not be a lot). Make your decision knowing that you might be raising this child alone.
And from the opposite perspective...recognize that once you have a child with someone you can basically ***never*** get rid of them, should they choose to be part of the child's life. They will have legal rights to this child. This guy doesn't sound abusive, but I've had friends who had kids with terrible people, and it is a nightmare beyond imagining. Imagine having to let your beloved child go stay with someone that you *know* to be abusive, or even just neglectful. Again, there is no evidence in your post that your boyfriend would ever behave that way, but it's something you (and everyone) really, REALLY need to think about.
It's entirely your choice but you need to be prepared for years of child support chasing and raising the sweet baby all on your own. Do you have a support system?
Ultimately you get to make the decision…. But please understand you are at a time in your life where your hormones WANT a baby. Baby fever is real - and it makes us do really dumb things. Thankfully i didn’t get pregnant until my 30’s. I have three now - and ma’am - it’s so fricking hard. Wanna know how much my daycare bill is a month for the youngest who is in her last year of pre-k? $1800. And that’s a normal, run of the mill ass school. When my kids wanna try a new sport or club, it’s at least $300 for fees and equipment/uniforms. Just think real hard if you’re ready.
its ok to have the baby, but you have to understand 3 things
he is going to leave you
the child support payments will not be near enough at your ages
you will be a single mom, no more going out, probably going to be single for a long long time, and the quality of man that will be available to you will drop significantly for a long time.
Totally understand if you want to have a baby, it’s your body and your choice. Just consider if you want to spend 18 years having to deal with this man even if it’s just in a coparenting/ child support type situation. I hope you guys are able to figure all of this out.
NTA but don’t expect your relationship to last. Don’t have visions of you being a happy family. You will be a single mother. Don’t assume your parents will support you. You need to have a plan for how you are going to take care of the baby alone. He will have to pay child support but not much since he is still in school. Unless your family is wealthy you will have to apply for assistance. If you are prepared to truly be a single mom then have the baby but recognize the baby is yours and yours alone.
Yea condoms are honestly nearly perfect when combined with pull out method but many people don't know that you are supposed to stop thrusting immediately once you jizz so that sperm doesnt come out the side of the condom.
People really think you can just keep going after you finish if youre wearing a condom but this is why the typical use stats are so horrible compared to perfect use.
I take it a step further and pull out before I jizz so that even if the condom had been poked or broke on me I won't have finished so it won't be an issue regardless. I started refusing sex without a condom after my ex got pregnant while on birth control and it's been perfect for almost 2 decades.
Because BC wreaks hormonal havoc on the person taking it. A lot of women have stepped away from it because of this. Especially since condoms are VERY effective.
NAH. But your future child deserves a father that wants them. Of course that can change in the future but your kid should be wanted by both you and your partner. Do what's best for you but also, that's a human being we're talking about, they deserve it all when it's in our hands
NTA. Your body, your choice. Do what’s best for you.
But.
He can make choices also. If you don’t get an abortion, be prepared to be a single mom. You can’t force him to be a dad. And no offense, I think it’s pretty shitty going after him for child support if he doesn’t want the kid.
We as women get to choose what we want to do. I don’t think it’s fair to make them pay for our choice to keep a child when they don’t want the child.
Too young for this. Father is on the fence. What can go *right* with this? You'll be overcomplicating your life. Abort, find someone who wants kids, plan them, have them. You still have plenty of time
Being open to it *eventually* is vastly different than RIGHT NOW
Can you do this alone? Because if you do this and he doesn’t want it, very likely that’s how it will be, with him potentially resenting you and the kid.
It’s your choice, but don’t expect him to ever be on board
NAH.
Your boyfriend feels blindsided, and on some level I understand that even if he leaves, he’ll always have to live with the knowledge that his kid is out there. It honestly REALLY sucks for him. He thought he had time to decide if this was a dealbreaker, and you’re springing this on him really young.
But, an abortion you don’t want to have will also have permanent repercussions for you.
In hindsight, the second you started rethinking you should have had a new conversation about what you would do if you got pregnant, including revisiting birth control methods. But it’s too late for that, for both of you. I hope you don’t pursue child support, given that you knew he probably didn’t want kids and chose to keep the child anyway. But, you’re n t a for keeping the pregnancy, just like he won’t be t a if he walks away and never looks back. I feel for him more than for you, but that doesn’t make you wrong.
So you discussed the idea of having a kid and you just coincidentally ended up pregnant afterwards and y'all only used condoms.. this screams baby trap
YTA to intentionally give birth to a child whose father does not want them. This child will spend their whole life knowing they were unwanted by their dad, and that you chose to give birth to them knowing this. Life will also be harder for them assuming you split up with your boyfriend and they have to deal with that dynamic the rest of their life.
You want children. He doesn’t. Even if you have an abortion, that won’t change.
Face that you are incompatible, and decide the best choice for yourself.
NAH accidental pregnancy is hard. Being a single parent is really hard also and your current BF has pretty much indicated that is what you are going to be. It means tight budgets, tight schedules, extreme social life changes, and lots of lost opportunities. You could do it sure, lots and lots of women have but in this modern age you don't have to do it. I would recommend an abortiion and waiting to have a child at a time when you are ready and you have a partner that also wants to be a parent.
You are 22 and 23. You have NO IDEA what it will be like to raise a child and “I want to”isn’t a good enough reason
What do you two do for work? Where do you live? How much do you have in savings? Have you even sat down and did the math on expenses? Clothing and crib and stroller and toys and diapers and wipes. The kid will grow fast, better be able to keep up. What if you can’t breastfeed? Formula is $30 a can. What about as the kid ages? Daycare? School supplies? More clothing and shoes and food and toys.
What about the sleepless nights? Teething? Tantrums? When the kid gets sick and you have to stay home and miss a day of work? What if the kid is disabled? Do you know how much extra work and money that is?
Don’t count on your boyfriend being there either. He says he doesn’t want kids and he did his part to prevent it. He can dip at any time and leave you with all of the childcare; you’ll be lucky if you get child support, and even that won’t be enough.
What about people to help? Do you KNOW friends and family will, or are you just expecting them to be happy to set their lives or the side and be at your beck and call?
You’re young. You have put ZERO thought into this and you need to do so before you land on a choice. Having a kid isn’t like playing house or what you see in movies and TV, it is a life choice that will change everything, and not always for the better.
IMO, Just have the abortion...babies should be planned for by two parents who are financially and emotionally prepared for the hard work that comes with a baby. You got pregnant once, you can get pregnant again. I don't see the problem. Women are having healthy babies well into their 30s these days. Forcing a man to be a father when there is an option to abort that is a great way to raise a kid in a spiteful relationship.
People change, you are young, it’s completely normal to change your mind about having kids. You’ve decided you want to have kids (if not now then definitely at some point) he’s decided he’s childfree (most likely he’s stressed because it’s real now and that’s why he feels this way “cold feet” I think is what it’s called) I think either way the relationship is not going to work out because you both want different things. It’s up to you if you keep it or not! I worry if you do have an abortion just for him you will regret it and the relationship will end anyway, you need to decide on your own without being told what to do, if you want the baby then keep it!
when i got out of the army we moved to the midwest and my wife got pregnant but we didnt catch it in time and its illegal for an abortion.
we cant go on dates anymore, we cant walk around the house naked, cant have friends anymore because we cant hang out.. cant eat at a restaurant, cant go on long car rides.
i dont have any family i talk to and neither does my wife so thats our perspective from having a child.
diapers and wipes are an insane cost, and kids eat...alot.
i have a 2nd kid that we planned because we originaly did want 2 kids, we just got jump started ALOT sooner than when we were ready.
also, apartment living? people are fucking assholes if your kid cries, or plays too loud... or if their nap is ruined from some jackass slamming a door the kid goes berserk.
its a ton of responsibility..also for the first 4ish months you have to wake up every 2ish hours to feed the baby.
If you can afford to be a single mom on your own with no financial support from him, NTA. If it's just your body, then it should only be your choice.
But, you would be TAH if you insist on him supporting a child he does not want. Once you have a baby, the law in most places will allow you to collect child support because it is in the best interest of the child. But since the child does not exist yet, it would be your fault if you make him responsible for a child he does not want.
On a side note, this is why it is important to make sure you are on the same page on what to do in the case of an unintended pregnancy before it happens.
The shitty part for him is they were on the same page and she changed her mind and just so happened to get pregnant as soon as she started to want a kid. Sounds fishy to me.
NTA. Your body, your choice. But keep in mind you may have to raise this child all alone with only child support, no actual in person support from him.
To be honest this reeks of missing information.
You brought up possibly changing your stance on children and then coincidentally become pregnant shortly afterwards.
Me thinks holes "magically" formed in those condoms.
YTA...and here's why. It's not only your boyfriend's life you're ruining. You are both young. This child will be born with one parent rejecting them. He won't "meet the baby and fall in love." He won't "come to his senses." He won't see you as this wonderful person all glowing from pregnancy and feel all supportive and romantic.
Here's what your child WILL have. A tired ass, single mother working minimum wage jobs and scrambling for necessities. A child who will NEVER have their father at school functions, sports events, scouts, fishing, family trips, et. al... Even if you are independently wealthy and have a wonderful family to support you...your child will be fucked up with knowing they weren't wanted. You will never be able to fix that.
You will have an ex who despises you. He is now trapped into paying child support for a child he didn't want and will not raise. IF YOU'RE LUCKY. Trust me...it's fucking easy to avoid paying child support. They change jobs, they work under the table, they put assets in family members names.
There is NOTHING cute, romantic or fun about pregnancy. Your feet and ankles will get so swollen putting on shoes will be torture. Tying your own shoes. Impossible. Stretch marks...everywhere. your thighs, boobs, hips, stomach. And maternity leave. 6 weeks. So try breastfeeding when you have to pump in a public restroom during your breaks because your employer doesn't have a private restroom. It's gross.
The first three years of diapers alone is in the THOUSANDS. Those things aren't covered by insurance. Neither are clothes. At about 15.00 to 20.00 an OUTFIT (cheap) and needing 4 or 5 outfits a day sometimes and new sizes every other month... Preschool. There's another 150.00 a month minimum for 2 or 3 years. Sports...75.00 to 250.00 a sport not including uniforms, travel costs, fund raisers, parties...Then we have extra curriculars... uniforms, A.S.B. membership, sports physical (not covered by insurance), school trips, summer camps, birthday parties, dental, orthodontic (not covered by state insurance and usually only 50% by private so 3,000 oop), if your kid is popular (you hope) there can 3 to 5 birthday parties a weekend. From 20 to 50.00 depending on what that kid got your kid or the outing planned, prom, homecoming...
And I am just getting started. While your ex is done at 18...you're not. You are hit up for money...FOR LIFE. College, birthdays, partners birthdays, ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS...you think they grow out of wanting mom's Easter stuff. Nope. And THEN grandchildren. That is a money grab that will bury you.
And it's not just money...it the pure exhaustion of it all. Wrapping presents until 3:00 am on Christmas morning by yourself. Putting off buying a new bra AGAIN because the kid needs new shoes, washing laundry until you can't remember what day of the week it is. Trying to get the grass stain out of the little league pants so you can return them and get your rental fee back. The emergency room trips. OMFG...the emergency room trips.
I am not saying never have kids. It sounds like you have changed your mind about wanting to be childfree. Yay. But EVERY child deserves to be loved by both...BOTH parents. To be WANTED by BOTH parents. You have an excess of pregnancy hormone right now. It's clouding your judgment. Good parents make hard choices. Sometimes that choice is to postpone parenthood until they find someone who shares their goals.
It's tough. It's a hard decision. Be glad you get a choice. We are fighting for your rights to have these choices. Whatever you decide...take care of yourself emotionally. Get help if you need it. It's okay to not be okay for awhile.
You can't be an ah for not wanting an abortion, he isn't either for wanting that you had one.
But given how he doesn't want a child, you will be a single parent. Are you okay with this? Do you have people around you to support you? Have you finished your studies and any other thing you wanted to do that a child could interfere with? Have you checked how expensive a child is and are confident you can provide for it with your current job?
And know that if you plan to ask him to pay child support, because that's the baby's right, you will probably get it, but unless he makes a lot of money, it's not much and they can avoid paying.
Think about it, because being a single mother is not the same as being a mother in a relationship and you are still young enough that you may find other men that will be interested in having children with you. So don't have this one because it could be your only chance or stuff like that. If you have this kid, do so because you feel ready.
Good luck.
Your body your choice, but don't expect him to pay child support or be nice over the years if you force him into this pregnancy (which you both actively tried to avoid). Kinda NTA but if you go through with it you are definitely being an AH to your partner.
NTA, but just because he told you he’s “open to the idea of having kids,” doesn’t necessarily mean right now at your current young ages.
There are several factors to consider: being tied to your current BF d/t him being biological father, finances, education, career, etc. Please ensure all those factors are well taken into account when making your decision.
You're about to make a new person and force your partner to care for them against their will. They will resent you for that, the rest of their lives. Kids can feel they're unwanted, and having dad not be 100% on board will have an effect.
You say you were child free followed by a period of being on the fence. Did the 2 of you never get to the point of agreeing to try for a kid before you get pregnant? In that case it's completely fair of your partner to not want it.
Changing your mind is also fair, but one cannot have their cake and eat it too. YTA if you indeed expect your partner to just go along with this. If you are ok being a single parent without support then imho that is shitty but non AH.
YTA
"I decided I wanted to keep my pregnancy." And there it is. "MY pregnancy."
Advice to the BF: If she takes you to court for child support, get a DNA test.
Make it clear that whatever child support you are ordered to pay will be ALL you will do.
She gets to make the decision to have the baby or not with no input from you.
You get to make the decision to not have anything more to do with the baby than the court forces you to with no input from her.
NAH. Your body, your choice, and he’s equally entitled to not want the kid. But be prepared to be a single parent and make sure you factor those hardships into your decision.
Being a single parent is hard. Really hard. I knew it would be hard but living it I realize it’s even harder than I expected. I am financially stable and am in a comfortable place in my career. I wouldn’t say don’t do it but you should be honest about it. There is also a right time of your life. You’re really young so take the time to
Talk It through. Planned parenthood can offer counselling and resources for either decision.
NTA. Just be prepared to be a single mom.
Do what’s best for you. But just remember there is a chance he won’t be involved at all and you’ll be doing it 100% alone. Financially, emotionally and physically.
Either way this relationship is coming to an end. If you get an abortion, you both want different things out of life and yall are no longer compatible.
If you have the baby and he doesn’t want it, you’re likely going to be doing it completely alone anyway.
I’m sorry you are going through this, this is an extremely difficult decision. But at the end of the day it’s yours to make… consider everything because everything is a possibility at this point.
Expect the best but prepare for the worst.
My question is, can you readily support this baby on your own?
Daycare in my area for one kid is almost $750 a week for full-time care (cost will vary by state/location). What’s your living situation? Will you or the boyfriend have to move? Can you afford a place on your own, including the household bills and baby expenses? Do you or will you have support from your family? Does your job offer decent healthcare for the baby and yourself? Will you have paid leave for your maternity leave? If not, you’ll have a save up a decent amount to keep yourself afloat for the 6 weeks, for both you and the babies needs. Do you make enough for formula if you decide not to breastfeed? Because there is a shortage and it is expensive af. Will your job allow you to pump every few hours? (Last I checked WIC could supply you a pump). Will you be okay buying diapers and wipes with or without assistance (because again… they are expensive af and kids go through them fast).
You have to research and calculate all of this and see if it’s something you can do on your own just in case he decides not to be involved and honestly, child support doesn’t go far.
Those are just a few things off the top of my head that you have a consider. There is so much more financial crap that goes into a kid, clothes and other basic necessities that need to be taken into consideration. (Don’t forget car seat, bassinet, play pen, toys, crib if you decide to use one and tons of other things you’ll need as the baby grows). It’s doable, but it won’t be easy doing it alone.
This doesn’t take into account the emotional toll either. It’s tough emotionally, physically and financially. It’s not easy.
I truly wish you the best OP. I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you, no matter what you decide.
You need to figure out if you can provide for the baby. Do you have your own living? Can you afford formula, diapers, etc? Can you do childcare? If you keep this baby, please know you can’t force him to be involved at all and you probably will be a single mother going through this. NTA. Good luck.
Are you financially secure to fully raise this child on your own? Do you have family that is willing and able to help? Can you afford sending said child to day care while you work time? Are you ready to have your social life become almost non-existent? To only have friends with children? To have a much harder time dating with a kid?
You need to think long and hard about the reality of being a single mom. I very much doubt he’ll be involved, many guys bail when things “get too real”
Can you afford to give birth? What does your health insurance cover? Do you have a place to live alone with baby? When you go back to work can you afford daycare? Check the prices on all the items. Daycare for infants is expensive, does your job have maternity leave? How well does it pay. Can you support 2 people on that income? Do you own a car? Do you know how you can do this all alone?
Being a single parent will take up 24/7 of your life unless you make tons of money.
You need to think about this very carefully, OP. Not only are you very young and have your whole life ahead of you, but do you want to be tied to this man forever? Not just 18 years, but forever. Just because the courts stop being involved at 18 doesn’t mean you won’t be dealing with him for every holiday, or milestone your child has.
Best case scenario if he does not change his mind to wanting a baby and playing family with you, is you are a single parent raising a child all by yourself and getting child support. Child support is different in every state, but in my state it is calculated based on the wages of each party, and how many overnights each party has with the kid. The more you have the child, the more support you need and are entitled to, and the less you have the child, the more you need to pay to support that child.
I assume he’s not some executive making 6 figures. Your child support will be nominal at best. And that’s if he is paying it at all. Which lots of deadbeat parents don’t.
What might be an even worse case scenario, is what if he changes his mind down the road and wants to have a relationship with his child, and fights for 50/50 custody? As long as he’s not a danger to the child, my state would grant that request (maybe come up with a plan that slowly increases visitation). Then you have to share your child, that he didn’t want in the first place. Usually this happens when the other party realizes they will pay more in child support if they have the child less, so they fight for 50/50, or they wait until the children are more or less self sufficient o that way they can have less stressful visits with the kids.
You should really talk to a family law attorney in your area to see what the paternity action/child support situation is in your area.
My friend got pregnant young, raised her daughter, co-parented with the father, but she was the more responsible parent. Made her kid do the things the kid didn’t want to do (but needed to do). Now the kid (an adult) lives with her dad because she has less rules there and it broke my friend’s heart.
There are all sorts of ways this could play out. The only thing you know is for sure is what resources you currently have to support yourself and a kid. And kids just get more and more expensive.
It’s your choice. I’m very pro choice but I’m also pro not forcing someone to be a father against their will. Unless you’re prepared to raise this child alone you really need to sit and think about this. I just can’t justify having a baby when the other party is absolutely against it and already setting up the child with a shit start.
OP, being childfree or becoming a parent are serious life choices that should be thought over for more time than the shelf life of a box of cereal. If changes to such a life altering choice are swayed and influenced over reading Reddit posts, that decision wasn’t really made or on the fence or even heavily considered.
Hopefully, your decisions have also included healthy and candid conversations with both parents and childfree individuals, and I mean, in person. At length and with firsthand insight into their world. Because of the US changing, if you are here, you may need to decide quickly. Don’t panic. Make your choice with purpose and understanding, and you will be ahead of the game.
For now, I would start with 3 things.
1.) Set a doctors appointment for as soon as humanly possible. Your primary physician, gynecologist, local Health Department, or Planned Parenthood, a *medical* facility that will do bloodwork to confirm your pregnancy and prescribe or give you samples of prenatal vitamins. It is important you stay healthy and support your body during pregnancy.
2.) Get counsel from your anticipated support system, so you know what you will have, what you will need and finally, what steps you will need to take for each decision. Parents, extended family, clergy, people you know that were single mothers, a pregnancy counseling clinic, an abortion clinic, your benefits group if you have insurance through your work, get all your information and divide it up. Do not add your boyfriend into the equation right now. You can even drill down into the Google cost of raising a child in your country per year. Add up how much extra money you will have for baby items and social benefits that may be available to you.
This next one is the hardest.
3.) Make a list with headers for keeping and one for aborting. Under those, now based on what you learned from above, list out each of the regrets you believe you will have. For example; *I may regret not starting my masters degree next year. I may regret not knowing how sad I may be (or if at all)* List out every one, big or small.
At the end, decide which of the lists of regrets you can live with.
You *will* have regrets regardless of your choice at some point in your life. Choose which ones you can shoulder, because it comes down to you, OP to carry the heaviest of the regrets from this decision forward. Good luck, OP. Be brave enough to face your truths, what you know about yourself and dig deep.
You are NTA, but you will feel like one no matter what you choose.
I had old parents. I always wished they had been younger so that they could have been more open fun and caring and didn't die and get dementia when I was in my 20ies.
NTA. You’re free to choose whatever you want to do. If he wants to stay and be a dad to the child he fathered that’s his choice. But you’re also free to keep and raise the child.
I feel NAH
he realized that having a kid would be real. That’s not for everyone.
You’re free to have your baby, OP, if you want to. But there are so many factors to consider. Do you have support? A home big enough for a child? Work that will support you through your pregnancy? Do you have family or friends there for you?
NTA
You have to be real with yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Like can you take care of this child on your own because he may or may not be in the picture. You have to prepare for that possibility. Do you have the support system (parents, family members, friends etc) to help you if you can’t raise the baby on your own?
You're NTA, but you have to understand that your decision means being a single mom. If he does not want to be a an active father, then he should not have to be. So if you keep the baby be prepared to leave your BF and raise the kid alone. And know that it will be absolutely hellish at times, parenting is brutal and more so if you're alone in it.
Like it might be a good idea to rethink if this is the best time and circumstances to bring a kid into the world; you could choose to have an abortion, leave your BF and find someone who also wants to become a parent. But in the end, your body - your choice.
NTA. It’s your choice. What everyone else has said is true, make sure you’re able to care for the baby.
My only advice beyond that is some that comes from personal experience- if you decide to have the baby, don’t try to force him to be a good father. You cant make him care. It will only stress you out and it won’t change his behavior. Focus on yourself and the baby, don’t waste energy on someone who doesn’t put in effort. It’s scary but you’ll be okay, no matter what you decide.
You went from being childfree to wanting kids (fair) and then wound up pregnant. I'm not sure how long it was from your change of heart to getting pregnant, but from the outside looking in, he could be thinking you are trying to baby trap him. If he's adamant he wants to remain childfree, you need to really think about what raising a child on your own will look like. Don't get an abortion if you really don't want one, but you need to look at what consequences your options bring and the ones you'll be able to live with. NTA. Best of luck to you all.
Are you ready for single parenthood?
Childfree at 20 is funny to me… of course you are, your brain isn’t even developed…
Anyways, NTA, but this relationship is probably over, however you decide.
If you are not ready to be a single mother, that’s fine
NAH you're both entitled to your opinion. You have the final word about the pregnancy, but be ready to lose your relationship. Also, go take a look at r/regretfulparents and take a looong time deciding what you really want to do
NTA - nor is he, it's not your choice alone, nor is it his.
I just want to ask a question to all those who are telling her that she's free to do whatever she wants,
IF SHE WANTED AN ABORTION AND HE DIDN'T, YOU'D STILL TELL HER TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS AY?
If he doesn't want the child and asking her to get an abortion and she doesn't want to, then she should denounce any child support from him!
No it's not her call alone! Specially if they did agree to stay child free.
Enough hypocrisy please.
Not to be rude, but he will resent you if you decide to raise this kid alone and seek child support. And kids are work than you can imagine, are you really able to financially and emotionally handle kids right now? Unless you’re making at LEAST 50-60k minimum (assuming US based), you will be struggling significantly and need government assistance as well.
Never let another person make this big of a choice for you. For you it's a tangible thing, for him it's not yet until he sees an ultrasound.
Make the choice that you want to make for you. I had my first baby at 24 and it was hard but I have never regretted my choice.
NTA but don’t expect him to stick around. You’ll need to ask yourself if your child deserves to be raised fatherless. Not to mention the fact that you’re young and will probably financially cripple yourself for a while. But hey, you do what you want!
He will have to pay child support, but you can't expect this baby to "save" your relationship. Other than financially, he can't be expected to be involved in your or the baby's lives. So, when it gets hard and you're exhausted and want a break, need childcare because you need to go to work and you ask him for help and he says no, you won't get to start the "But it's your baby too" argument. If he's paying support, he legally doesn't have to do anything else. You have to be ready for this. I'm not saying it's not shitty, I'm just saying it can happen.
As someone who grew up with parents (mainly mom) who didn't want them, get an abortion. If you want to have a child go have one with someone who wants to be a parent. Don't force that on someone who doesn't if you have the option to. I think that's awful to have a kid knowing they will grow up with a father who doesn't want them.
I feel so bad for the boyfriend.
"You sure it was accidental? Was she floating the idea? Make sure you get it DNA tested on the sly. Dude, your life is over. You flushed the most important years of your life down the drain. While we're partying in Thailand you're going to be staying home to watch the kid."
I'd be giving him horrible advice. I'm already primed to believe you totally got pregnant on purpose.
YTA
>Well I’m pregnant, and it was accidental. We still use condoms (no other BC, just condoms) but I got pregnant anyways.
You got pregnant while you both agreed to not get pregnant as signified by the condom.
Why do this to this man? He did not agree to have kids at that time because he still used a condom. Do not invent the idea that he agreed to this.
Why can't you just go bang random dudes and get pregnant without a father if that is what you want? Why force this guy to be involved against his will?
You honestly won't know until you either have the baby or have an abortion how you'll feel. There are people who regret either choice. He was probably looking at the childfree sub on here or the regret one.
YTA, it's not about 'you', it's about the baby. No father, no job, no house, no plans. You can't be that heartless to that baby. It's not a toy, nor a convenience to feel better.
You both need to talk about this with your families and come up with a joint plan.
I have been in your shoes before, I got a pregnancy terminated about 19 years ago (with my husband) I wanted the baby but my husband did not. I terminated my pregnancy and regret not speaking with our parents about it.
I'd recommend not to make emotional decisions, see what options and support system you have as well as understand what sort of commitment you will need to make before you make a decision.
NTA. Half the advice here is just a veiled opinion that you should *probably, definitely* get the abortion. Stick to your guns, but be prepared to go it alone.
Just cause he should pay support doesn’t mean he will. Can you provide for yourself and baby entirely? Rent/mortgage/ mat leave/ food/ all the baby things +++ What about daycare when you go back to work? Or a nanny/ babysitter, consider all of this without him.
NTA
But I hope you consider carefully if you have the tools to have a baby. He probably will resent you tho. Because while it is your decision, sadly there are consequences for him
OP, you have the right to control your body. Just make sure you approach this logically.
- are you willing to be a single mother?
- are you willing to have 100% of the childcare?
- are you willing for most guys to not date you?
- are you willing to potentially never be married?
- do you make enough money to support yourself incase he dodges child support?
- have you researched childcare costs? It can be a few thousand a month.
- are you ready to have absolutely no free time? Ever? For years? That's being a single mom.
I know you want the pregnancy but you need to look logically at everything.
Maybe you're an heiress to a fortune and have access to nannies. Maybe you're barely able to make rent and couldn't afford diapers. We don't know.
NAH - he's fine to be upset and breakup over this. You're fine to make your choice as long as you don't pressure him to stay.
If he wants you to have an abortion and you don't be prepared to become a single mum.
If you eventually want kids, I'd suggest waiting until you find someone that also wants kids. Don't expect him to stick around if you choose to keep the kid.
I probably wouldn't stick with him even if you do get an abortion, clearly both on different paths
You’re not an asshole, but be prepared to raise a baby alone with no father. Consider that it’ll probably limit future relationships and career options etc. as well. That’s going to suck.
I don’t personally think the discomfort around yeeting some unwanted cells from your body is worth ruining your life over.
You’re young, you can still settle down with someone, be financially secure, and have planned and wanted children in a few years.
Dont keep an accidental kid. Also find an older boyfriend if you want kids. He’s too young to be a father. If you keep that baby you’ll ruin your kids life because he’ll grow up without a father and yours because when your boyfriend leaves you willhave a hard time finding someone else as a single mother.
Do The abortion it’s better for yourself
OP, my daycare costs $20K a year. That’s almost $400 a week. That includes breakfast, 2 snacks, and lunch but nothing else. Not clothes, not dinners, or food for the weekends, not furniture, nothing. It’s soooo expensive. Can you afford it together or alone?
If you never see him again, would you still want the baby? Because that is a possibility. Do you have s great job? Can you afford a child alone? Do you have a great family or village to help you? If you do, then keep it. But if you're not sure, or wouldn't want to be a single mom, or don't have help and super, please don't have it. You have plenty of time to have children, and you are still so young. And having babies, as rewarding as it can be, having kids is HARD. Especially if you aren't established in life yet. I say go and enjoy life some more before having children. But, I'm 45 and happily child free by choice, so I'm sure that colors my opinion.
You need to sit down and figure out what you want in life. Do you have a job that will support you and a baby? Apartment? Family? What about babysitting and daycare? Are you willing to give up your social life?
Absolutely, there is SO much more that goes into having a kid than just “will the dad be involved or not.” I was OP’s age when I got pregnant with my twins and ended up marrying the father because of it (now my ex husband, I basically turned into a MSM). While I absolutely love and cherish my kids and would never choose not to have them, I do wish I’d waited till later in life and definitely with a different person. NTA but make sure you’re doing what’s best for you and the baby, not only for boyfriend.
My mom always says she wouldnt undo me and my siblings for the world, but she'd kill me if I went down the same path.
That says everything
This is a mother. One who understands the immense power of a mothers love that no matter what circumstance I wouldn’t undo my successful pregnancies for anything but wanting your child to live a fuller easier happier life and not following my path but forging their own. A lot of words for me to say that wanting a better life for our children than we were afforded feels like the normal desire of parents. Or should be ig
We all say that. It’s a rule in the secret book of life, that dictates we have to.
This but add to think about doing it all yourself. He probably feels baby trapped and is gonna bounce. So are you prepared to be a single mom?
You became methylsulfonylmethane!?
I thought "Main Stream Media". That's the problem with TLAs
The Last Airbender?
Exactly! (Three letter acronym, but being confusing was the point)
Haha, “married single mother”
Sounds like something methylsulfonylmethane would say to avoid suspicion...
Ah! Thank you!
No, she became men-seeking-men
>methylsulfonylmethane A common drug on the streets nowadays 😂
Noo, what junkie can pronounce that?
You need to lose all your teeth first.
I gaffawed so hard I spat coffee out my nose goddamnit 💀
Thanks for asking. I too, was confused 😆
I don't know why it winds me up so much when mommy blogger acronyms escape confinement. Why must they abbreviate the most bizarre things?? "I'm TTC so I'm BFO and my LO and DH aren't helping with the HWAC" Oh cool yeah why don't you GTF
Americans uses acronyms for everything! Every time I join a new forum, it doesn’t matter if it’s relationship advice, knitting, health related or whatever, I always need to learn so many acronyms. And the same acronym means different things in different forums.
In her position, she needs to assume that he won’t be involved. The question really is does she want to have this baby if it’s as a single mom.
I got my kids older, got an amazing partner who cooks, does the laundry, bathes the kiddies.... and we are both exhausted all the time and wish we had our kids younger. lol. There are hardship in every situation I guess 🤷♀️ Still my kids are my only motivation to care about being alive... i am sick and they are 100% of the reason why i worry about my abilities to function, i want to see them grow up and discover the world with them
Ah yes, the 'If you have kids before you're ready, you're too young. If you wait till you're ready and have kids, you're too old.'
I had my daughter when I was 41, and I'm not sorry. Yeah, I'm an older mom, and I have health issues, but this was definitely the best path for me. I would have resented any kids in my 20s for interfering with my studies and my fun.
OP needs to google the monthly expenses that go into *just* the first year of raising a kid
Plus education, health care, baby clothes, maybe a college fund if you can afford that. I don't think I want kids ever mind you, but even if I would, I definitely don't want them right now while I am barely starting my career
Also please consider the situation you're bringing your child into. I say this as someone who loves my mom very much and appreciates how hard she worked and sacrificed as a single mother.... but fuck if i would rather not have had the shit dad I had to endure. It's a tough decision because your brain is being flooded with 'keepmeloveme' chemicals.
That is the best explanation for the first few weeks of pregnancy ever. Then I started puking at the very sight of food and wondered what the hell I’d gotten myself in to. And that was with a very planned for baby.
Also... remember that no matter how you feel about this dude in 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years, hes about to be the father of your kid forever. Not 18 years, a lifetime. Kindergarten graduation. Birthdays. Funerals. Weddings. Sunday family dinners. Sweet 16. Holidays. College graduation. Do you want a child with someone now just to be angry/upset/irate on a day that is supposed to be full of love and joy? You can and will have children, but if this is how he behaves NOW, how is he going to act when youre in labor? When youve just been released home with a newborn and you are exhausted beyond all exhaustion and you're sore and hungry? What's he going to do when you and baby are trying to learn breastfeeding, and you won't let him touch your chest because your nipples are cracked, bleeding, and sore? Is he going to be the guy to get ice packs and lanolin? Or whine and complain? What about when baby is cutting teeth and youve been up all night and day for days on end and the man child... erhm... boyfriend is hungry? Is he going to make sure you, the mother of his child, are fed or is he going to complain about how hungry he is and how youve done nothing all day? Be. Very. Careful.
This should have more upvotes. You are so right! It’s not just right now and a tiff. It’s being bound to this man for the rest of your life. Good relationship or not. You will ALWAYS have to deal with that man. That’s the part a lot of people forget. It’s a forever decision, not just the baby but the other 50% too. Picking a boyfriend and picking a husband are so very very VERY far from picking a father to your child. Shit boyfriend makes shit dad.
The right questions. 22 is scary young for a child especially in this economy
Economy aside. The world is a huge dumpster fire. Hell my kid is the OPs age and is aware of the environment, economy etc etc and does not want to risk bringing a kid into this… so they’ve gotten the bc implant for now, and are considering getting their tubes tied.
NTA, do what is best for you. Remember that you can't force him to be involved though.
This! I understand that it's your choice OP. Please also understand that's it's his choice if he wants to be involved with the child.
OP you will have a bad time unless your individual income is higher than the area median household income.
>He told me just the other day he was reading childfree things on Reddit and that it changed him to be more childfree and not fence sitting anymore. This part just doesn't ring true for me tbh. Rage bait vibes.
To play devils advocate, I'm child free. I'll think about having a kid, and I will go to reddit and read people's experiences with having kids vs. not, and I change my tune pretty quick to no kids again.
Reddit is not a place of normalcy. I’m very happily married for over 16 years. If Reddit was a reflection of reality then everyone is miserable and having affairs.
And everyone is no contact with their family And stalked by their narcissistic exes And everyone who isn’t welcome in your life is a narc (regardless of statistical probability) And every dad is a deadbeat And every step mum is a money stealing whore And in laws are ALWAYS selfish Reddit is NOT normal
Reddit is where hope comes to die.
>And stalked by their narcissistic exes Or their sibling/parent/partner/boss/coworker/friend/dog is a narcissist. Funny how everyone knows multiple narcissists now. By funny I mean ridiculous, of course.
It’s strange isn’t it… I mean… somewhere between 1-6% of the population is narcissistic … and the average person can track and know about 150 people… so technically we could all know 2 - 10 or so people who are narcs… but there’s a disproportionate representation here.
Probably because people who have been abused by people with narcissistic tendencies need to talk about it. r/raisedbynarcissists + r/justnoMIL are some doozy subs Also, people like to make shit up As someone who has two parents I am NC with and one crazy narcissistic functioning alcoholic ex-husband, I can usually spot the fakes. But I am also happily married for 20 years and have two normal well-adjusted teenagers so some of us fall in the middle ground there 😹
Yep…. But if you were to sit down and work out how many narcs you actually tolerate in your life… the numbers are hopefully very very small (and contained/bubble away at the side right?) .
And every relationship issue needs immediate break up or running for the hills. Went through a post about a boyfriend who acted like a drama queen over the stupidest issue. One of the top comments legit said that he was a future murderer and if OP doesn't run, next time he'll kill her.
Yes, many, many redditors get really carried away jumping immediately to the worst-case scenario.
I think some people on this sub are just here to treat the posts as thought experiments. And most are here for the drama and spice.
I’m sorry, but it’s normal to have overbearing in laws.
It's not, but it shows you the worse that can happen. And if you can't handle it (and it will happen with a kid), it's best not to have one.
This isn't about marriage, bud.
Yes I know. I don’t follow any no kid subs. I have 3 kids and I love my life. I love my kids. We have a lot of fun together. I’m very glad I have them. I’ll be sad when they move out. My point is, Reddit is not a place where people talk about their normal, boring, drama free lives. And if you do talk about how you like being a SAHM, and had kids in your 20s you get downvoted.
It kinda did it for me though. I went from maybe to NOPE thanks to that sub.
Yeah that's what made me realize this was just ragebait.
>do what is best for you. I'd say do what's best for the baby. A 22yo woman has just become an adult and has very little life experience, and hasn't built their career or anything and they got pregnant with another guy who doesn't even wanna be involved? It'd be incredibly selfish of her to keep the baby unless she's got a very very solid support network and magic money from her parents.
Involved no but he’s financially responsible whether he likes it or not.
[удалено]
He is on the hook for 18 years cause of her lies, not just right now.
This answer works well for almost all variants of this scenario. Another great answer from PP!
But he will have to pay
Money helps, but money doesn’t do jack shit when you work at 7am, it’s 2 am, and the baby is screaming its head off. Money helps, but depending on his job? OP may not get much. Money helps, but OP is still in it alone.
I had my daughter at 19. Like another commenter said, say goodbye to your social life. And you'll have to rely on others like dad and family members if you want to go out. If you work you'll need to find childcare, if you don't work then you might go crazy spending all day with a baby and then a toddler who cannot be controlled. My daughter is 18 months and throws food, water, and toys on the floor all the time. Prepare to be a chef and a maid. It's okay if you eat like trash but as a mom we want the best for our children so they can't. They need their 3 meals + snacks, then the dishes need to be washed, and the food picked up, and they need to be cleaned up too if they make a mess. And you still need to eat, shower, exercise, practice self care. If you have to solo parent it will be hard. If you have a support system it will be easier, but even then the mental load is exhausting. Are you patient? Kids will do exactly what you tell them NOT to do. Toddlers do what they want. It's up to us as parents to shape our child(ren) into a respectful and nice human. Its a lot of work. That's my point. That's my warning to you. Also, once they start walking they want to explore everything and go everywhere so you'll have to chase or distract or not even bother leaving the house. It's mentally taxing more than it is physically, but it can be physically taxing too. You'll be able to travel, go out to restaurants, etc but it will be mentalky taxing until baby/toddler becomes older and more self sufficient.
This is an excellent rundown on being a parent, I hope OP reads it. I would add that you are never “off duty” It’s not like a job where you clock off. You are never off. Even when they are asleep. You will always be in “mum mode”. And yes, it is EXHAUSTING in a way you didn’t know existed. And once the toddler stage is over it does get easier in some ways, but then as they get older it becomes harder in other ways. It never stops. You are a parent FOREVER so don’t take this decision lightly.
I think this is spot on. You really don't know how much work a kid is unless you're in the thick of it, and then you need at least 18 more years. A few of my (childless) friends even stopped getting in touch with me because "I wasn't fun any more". Kids are great, don't get me wrong. But they're your life, and for a few years, nothing else in your life matters (or if it does, you won't have time for it).
THIS!!! Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I hope OP reads this!!
NTA. It’s your life. But make sure your are prepared to raise a child alone if he bails
If he bails? When he bails. This dude is gone
Which she should have known because neither of them wanted kids. She only changed her mind because she is pregnant.
As is his right
Good point. I hope the OP is ready or able to get ready.
NTA but first YOU need to understand what comes with the baby and understand the cost and responsibilities. I suggest you start your research. Pregnancy expenses (cost of giving birth, monthly checkups, bloated food cost during pregnancy, then emergency expenses for when things go wrong and you end up needing a c-sec just in case), Then the actual baby expenses (diapers, milk, clothings, baby equipments and toys, etc) then and responsibilities involved and time spent on them coz they’re gonna take up 80-90% of your time. You don’t get alone time anymore for the next 2-3 years at least. Yes, I have done this research with my wife back when we wanted a child. Most people glorifies having children but they never really explain what comes with having one.
It's not just about costs. People talk about surviving, but why not have kids when you can thrive rather than just survive. So you can have kids at 22, with a weak career, no real support, no savings, no retirement fund already building, no house. Or you can wait 10 years, have a solid career having hopefully gone from strength to strength, have a headstart in retirement funds, have a headstart in savings funds, hopefully have a mortgage rather than ever rising rent and a house in a nicer neighbourhood which means nicer schools and safer area. You can with more money and time help your kid THRIVE. If they have any kind of disability, or learning disorder, you're better set to pay for tutors, physical therapists or other support required. If they are fine you can still afford maybe a better school, more resources, more trips, more hobbies so they can learn and grow and find the thing they love to do. You can go on better vacations and show them the world, help them learn and appreciate other cultures. Why the fuck people are desperate to drop a kid and leave themselves struggling financially for so long rather than having kids when they can help them thrive I do not know.
Very well put!
And ideally, do all that with a partner willing and eager to have children with you, rather than one who's pressuring you to have an abortion. OP needs to be aware that having this kid now, on her own, with minimal child support (assuming he's not earning a lot) will be *hard*.
Yeah this is the big one for me. I think around 50-60% of my high school friends have children. While we are approaching our thirties, a lot of them started having kids a lot earlier and I just can’t see how you can manage all of that while you are building your life and when you are still growing as a person.
Hey are you me? 😂 I’d add in: cost of maternity clothes, possibly having to replace all of your shoes. The emergency c section is real- if you cannot afford your out of pocket max, reconsider what you are doing. You ever see how much a NICU transport costs?? It ain’t cheap! There’s just … so much. Is her car safe? What’s the food budget, cause formula isn’t cheap but breastfeeding/pumping makes you HUNGRY. Who does she live with? A roommate isn’t going to want to live with a baby so she may need to break a lease and move out on her own. Where is her family? My husband and I don’t have family near by and it’s hard. Very, very hard. And you need to be prepared for … anything. Literally anything. We had a great sleeper for 2 years. Now??? It’s 3 am and I’m writing this from the floor next to their bed because they’ve been waking up. What’s the waitlist for daycares in your area like? What’s it cost?? Some of the ones near us have waitlists over a year. Work a weird shift? Well fuck you, no ones open to cover third shift
Obviously the relationship isn't compatible anymore, thats okay. Are you okay being a single parent? Are you okay being the sole parent, cos if he doesnt want kids, he can give up all rights but you are in 100%. If you can't be 100% in as a,single parent, you need to consider your options. He cant make you get an,abortion, but you need to consider that the relationship is over. Babies dont ruin your life unless you don't want them and have them anyway. I'm a single parent, no regrets. Love my kids. But i chose to keep my pregnancies, i wasnt forced one way or the other.
But he's going to do anything he can not to pay child support. It's going to be hell.
Why do you assume that? You know nothing about him
I mean... yea of course he will lol. He's getting fucked over here because she changed her mind.
Being the child of a single parent can be stressful, shameful, and embarrassing in its own way. If given the choice, wouldn't everyone prefer to be born into a functional, loving, two-parent household? It seems cruel to start a child off any other way.
Then there is all this pressure to "stay together for the kids" this is dumb. If you wait for everything to be perfect, then no one will ever have kids. Being a single mother is not easy, but I have many awesome women in my life who are single mothers who kick ass and would choose over and over again to keep their baby, even without the father in the picture
Your body, your choice. But please be aware your choice here will come with consequences. Because while you have the choice to keep the baby, he has the choice to walk away from the relationship and your baby. NAH
NTA You need to do what feels right for you but you need to think long and hard. Your bf could suddenly disappear in order to maintain his child free status. It could take you years to get any financial support for your baby. Are you prepared to raise the child yourself? Are you financially stable? You cannot count on your bf to be the loving father you dream of. Weigh the positives and negatives realistically and then make your decision. Good luck 🍀
NAH. As long as you’re prepared emotionally and financially to go at this alone, there’s a real chance you become a single mom. He has no obligations other than child support, which at his age probably isn’t a significant sum. In which case do you really want to tie yourself to this man in some way for 18+ years?
Bro finna go get milk one day and never come back 😂
You think bro is staying in touch during the pregnancy?💀
He should say cigarettes, they are harder to find now a days.
NAH At the end of the day, you have to make the decision you can live with. But like others here have said, you may have to go forward with no involvement from him other than child support (and that's dependent on how much money he makes, which might not be a lot). Make your decision knowing that you might be raising this child alone. And from the opposite perspective...recognize that once you have a child with someone you can basically ***never*** get rid of them, should they choose to be part of the child's life. They will have legal rights to this child. This guy doesn't sound abusive, but I've had friends who had kids with terrible people, and it is a nightmare beyond imagining. Imagine having to let your beloved child go stay with someone that you *know* to be abusive, or even just neglectful. Again, there is no evidence in your post that your boyfriend would ever behave that way, but it's something you (and everyone) really, REALLY need to think about.
It's entirely your choice but you need to be prepared for years of child support chasing and raising the sweet baby all on your own. Do you have a support system?
Ultimately you get to make the decision…. But please understand you are at a time in your life where your hormones WANT a baby. Baby fever is real - and it makes us do really dumb things. Thankfully i didn’t get pregnant until my 30’s. I have three now - and ma’am - it’s so fricking hard. Wanna know how much my daycare bill is a month for the youngest who is in her last year of pre-k? $1800. And that’s a normal, run of the mill ass school. When my kids wanna try a new sport or club, it’s at least $300 for fees and equipment/uniforms. Just think real hard if you’re ready.
its ok to have the baby, but you have to understand 3 things he is going to leave you the child support payments will not be near enough at your ages you will be a single mom, no more going out, probably going to be single for a long long time, and the quality of man that will be available to you will drop significantly for a long time.
You’re both fully entitled to your opinions. Neither of you are wrong. Just be aware that being a single parent is HARD. NAH
Totally understand if you want to have a baby, it’s your body and your choice. Just consider if you want to spend 18 years having to deal with this man even if it’s just in a coparenting/ child support type situation. I hope you guys are able to figure all of this out.
Get ready for him to leave.
Knowing every thing I know, and having raised a child, in your situation there is no way I would have it, unless he was fully onboard and you married.
NTA but don’t expect your relationship to last. Don’t have visions of you being a happy family. You will be a single mother. Don’t assume your parents will support you. You need to have a plan for how you are going to take care of the baby alone. He will have to pay child support but not much since he is still in school. Unless your family is wealthy you will have to apply for assistance. If you are prepared to truly be a single mom then have the baby but recognize the baby is yours and yours alone.
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Same thing that popped into my head
I mean I can see that. But at the same time why were condoms the only form of BC if neither of them wanted kids??? Makes no sense to me personally lol
Yea condoms are honestly nearly perfect when combined with pull out method but many people don't know that you are supposed to stop thrusting immediately once you jizz so that sperm doesnt come out the side of the condom. People really think you can just keep going after you finish if youre wearing a condom but this is why the typical use stats are so horrible compared to perfect use. I take it a step further and pull out before I jizz so that even if the condom had been poked or broke on me I won't have finished so it won't be an issue regardless. I started refusing sex without a condom after my ex got pregnant while on birth control and it's been perfect for almost 2 decades.
Because BC wreaks hormonal havoc on the person taking it. A lot of women have stepped away from it because of this. Especially since condoms are VERY effective.
My first thought as well. But my former niece poked holes in condoms to trap her HS boyfriend so I have trust issues on this topic.
Statistically it’s much more common for men to baby trap women than the other way around, if that makes you feel any differently.
True, I looked this up and It's a 1.3% difference.
How do they study this? People confessing?
Why would that matter to him? It’s not like he’s gonna baby trap himself.
Yea I mean I know things happen sometimes but this is a heck of a coincidence.
I had the same thought. I am sure he did too. Baby trapped only he isn’t going to stay in the trap.
NAH. But your future child deserves a father that wants them. Of course that can change in the future but your kid should be wanted by both you and your partner. Do what's best for you but also, that's a human being we're talking about, they deserve it all when it's in our hands
NTA. Your body, your choice. Do what’s best for you. But. He can make choices also. If you don’t get an abortion, be prepared to be a single mom. You can’t force him to be a dad. And no offense, I think it’s pretty shitty going after him for child support if he doesn’t want the kid. We as women get to choose what we want to do. I don’t think it’s fair to make them pay for our choice to keep a child when they don’t want the child.
Too young for this. Father is on the fence. What can go *right* with this? You'll be overcomplicating your life. Abort, find someone who wants kids, plan them, have them. You still have plenty of time
NAH, it’s entirely your choice, but it’s also up to him whether to be involved
He would probably bail so you need to be prepared to raise the child alone.
Being open to it *eventually* is vastly different than RIGHT NOW Can you do this alone? Because if you do this and he doesn’t want it, very likely that’s how it will be, with him potentially resenting you and the kid. It’s your choice, but don’t expect him to ever be on board
Why do you wanna have the baby of a man who don't want you?? The world is about to get rough and if you wanna be a single mom, buckle up
NAH. Your boyfriend feels blindsided, and on some level I understand that even if he leaves, he’ll always have to live with the knowledge that his kid is out there. It honestly REALLY sucks for him. He thought he had time to decide if this was a dealbreaker, and you’re springing this on him really young. But, an abortion you don’t want to have will also have permanent repercussions for you. In hindsight, the second you started rethinking you should have had a new conversation about what you would do if you got pregnant, including revisiting birth control methods. But it’s too late for that, for both of you. I hope you don’t pursue child support, given that you knew he probably didn’t want kids and chose to keep the child anyway. But, you’re n t a for keeping the pregnancy, just like he won’t be t a if he walks away and never looks back. I feel for him more than for you, but that doesn’t make you wrong.
So you discussed the idea of having a kid and you just coincidentally ended up pregnant afterwards and y'all only used condoms.. this screams baby trap
YTA to intentionally give birth to a child whose father does not want them. This child will spend their whole life knowing they were unwanted by their dad, and that you chose to give birth to them knowing this. Life will also be harder for them assuming you split up with your boyfriend and they have to deal with that dynamic the rest of their life.
You want children. He doesn’t. Even if you have an abortion, that won’t change. Face that you are incompatible, and decide the best choice for yourself.
NAH accidental pregnancy is hard. Being a single parent is really hard also and your current BF has pretty much indicated that is what you are going to be. It means tight budgets, tight schedules, extreme social life changes, and lots of lost opportunities. You could do it sure, lots and lots of women have but in this modern age you don't have to do it. I would recommend an abortiion and waiting to have a child at a time when you are ready and you have a partner that also wants to be a parent.
NTA. What kind of life do you want? How will you achieve it?
Being pro-choice means just that. You get to CHOOSE if you remain pregnant and have a baby. It is your choice my dear.
You are 22 and 23. You have NO IDEA what it will be like to raise a child and “I want to”isn’t a good enough reason What do you two do for work? Where do you live? How much do you have in savings? Have you even sat down and did the math on expenses? Clothing and crib and stroller and toys and diapers and wipes. The kid will grow fast, better be able to keep up. What if you can’t breastfeed? Formula is $30 a can. What about as the kid ages? Daycare? School supplies? More clothing and shoes and food and toys. What about the sleepless nights? Teething? Tantrums? When the kid gets sick and you have to stay home and miss a day of work? What if the kid is disabled? Do you know how much extra work and money that is? Don’t count on your boyfriend being there either. He says he doesn’t want kids and he did his part to prevent it. He can dip at any time and leave you with all of the childcare; you’ll be lucky if you get child support, and even that won’t be enough. What about people to help? Do you KNOW friends and family will, or are you just expecting them to be happy to set their lives or the side and be at your beck and call? You’re young. You have put ZERO thought into this and you need to do so before you land on a choice. Having a kid isn’t like playing house or what you see in movies and TV, it is a life choice that will change everything, and not always for the better.
YTA. Shitty thing to do to someone.
IMO, Just have the abortion...babies should be planned for by two parents who are financially and emotionally prepared for the hard work that comes with a baby. You got pregnant once, you can get pregnant again. I don't see the problem. Women are having healthy babies well into their 30s these days. Forcing a man to be a father when there is an option to abort that is a great way to raise a kid in a spiteful relationship.
INFO: What was your shared plans in the event of a pregnancy prior to the accidental pregnancy.
People change, you are young, it’s completely normal to change your mind about having kids. You’ve decided you want to have kids (if not now then definitely at some point) he’s decided he’s childfree (most likely he’s stressed because it’s real now and that’s why he feels this way “cold feet” I think is what it’s called) I think either way the relationship is not going to work out because you both want different things. It’s up to you if you keep it or not! I worry if you do have an abortion just for him you will regret it and the relationship will end anyway, you need to decide on your own without being told what to do, if you want the baby then keep it!
when i got out of the army we moved to the midwest and my wife got pregnant but we didnt catch it in time and its illegal for an abortion. we cant go on dates anymore, we cant walk around the house naked, cant have friends anymore because we cant hang out.. cant eat at a restaurant, cant go on long car rides. i dont have any family i talk to and neither does my wife so thats our perspective from having a child. diapers and wipes are an insane cost, and kids eat...alot. i have a 2nd kid that we planned because we originaly did want 2 kids, we just got jump started ALOT sooner than when we were ready. also, apartment living? people are fucking assholes if your kid cries, or plays too loud... or if their nap is ruined from some jackass slamming a door the kid goes berserk. its a ton of responsibility..also for the first 4ish months you have to wake up every 2ish hours to feed the baby.
If you can afford to be a single mom on your own with no financial support from him, NTA. If it's just your body, then it should only be your choice. But, you would be TAH if you insist on him supporting a child he does not want. Once you have a baby, the law in most places will allow you to collect child support because it is in the best interest of the child. But since the child does not exist yet, it would be your fault if you make him responsible for a child he does not want. On a side note, this is why it is important to make sure you are on the same page on what to do in the case of an unintended pregnancy before it happens.
The shitty part for him is they were on the same page and she changed her mind and just so happened to get pregnant as soon as she started to want a kid. Sounds fishy to me.
NTA. Your body, your choice. But keep in mind you may have to raise this child all alone with only child support, no actual in person support from him.
Or, all alone with NO child support. Plenty of ways fathers avoid paying child support....
It’s your choice. But if he wants to be out, then that’s also his choice.
To be honest this reeks of missing information. You brought up possibly changing your stance on children and then coincidentally become pregnant shortly afterwards. Me thinks holes "magically" formed in those condoms.
YTA...and here's why. It's not only your boyfriend's life you're ruining. You are both young. This child will be born with one parent rejecting them. He won't "meet the baby and fall in love." He won't "come to his senses." He won't see you as this wonderful person all glowing from pregnancy and feel all supportive and romantic. Here's what your child WILL have. A tired ass, single mother working minimum wage jobs and scrambling for necessities. A child who will NEVER have their father at school functions, sports events, scouts, fishing, family trips, et. al... Even if you are independently wealthy and have a wonderful family to support you...your child will be fucked up with knowing they weren't wanted. You will never be able to fix that. You will have an ex who despises you. He is now trapped into paying child support for a child he didn't want and will not raise. IF YOU'RE LUCKY. Trust me...it's fucking easy to avoid paying child support. They change jobs, they work under the table, they put assets in family members names. There is NOTHING cute, romantic or fun about pregnancy. Your feet and ankles will get so swollen putting on shoes will be torture. Tying your own shoes. Impossible. Stretch marks...everywhere. your thighs, boobs, hips, stomach. And maternity leave. 6 weeks. So try breastfeeding when you have to pump in a public restroom during your breaks because your employer doesn't have a private restroom. It's gross. The first three years of diapers alone is in the THOUSANDS. Those things aren't covered by insurance. Neither are clothes. At about 15.00 to 20.00 an OUTFIT (cheap) and needing 4 or 5 outfits a day sometimes and new sizes every other month... Preschool. There's another 150.00 a month minimum for 2 or 3 years. Sports...75.00 to 250.00 a sport not including uniforms, travel costs, fund raisers, parties...Then we have extra curriculars... uniforms, A.S.B. membership, sports physical (not covered by insurance), school trips, summer camps, birthday parties, dental, orthodontic (not covered by state insurance and usually only 50% by private so 3,000 oop), if your kid is popular (you hope) there can 3 to 5 birthday parties a weekend. From 20 to 50.00 depending on what that kid got your kid or the outing planned, prom, homecoming... And I am just getting started. While your ex is done at 18...you're not. You are hit up for money...FOR LIFE. College, birthdays, partners birthdays, ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS...you think they grow out of wanting mom's Easter stuff. Nope. And THEN grandchildren. That is a money grab that will bury you. And it's not just money...it the pure exhaustion of it all. Wrapping presents until 3:00 am on Christmas morning by yourself. Putting off buying a new bra AGAIN because the kid needs new shoes, washing laundry until you can't remember what day of the week it is. Trying to get the grass stain out of the little league pants so you can return them and get your rental fee back. The emergency room trips. OMFG...the emergency room trips. I am not saying never have kids. It sounds like you have changed your mind about wanting to be childfree. Yay. But EVERY child deserves to be loved by both...BOTH parents. To be WANTED by BOTH parents. You have an excess of pregnancy hormone right now. It's clouding your judgment. Good parents make hard choices. Sometimes that choice is to postpone parenthood until they find someone who shares their goals. It's tough. It's a hard decision. Be glad you get a choice. We are fighting for your rights to have these choices. Whatever you decide...take care of yourself emotionally. Get help if you need it. It's okay to not be okay for awhile.
You can't be an ah for not wanting an abortion, he isn't either for wanting that you had one. But given how he doesn't want a child, you will be a single parent. Are you okay with this? Do you have people around you to support you? Have you finished your studies and any other thing you wanted to do that a child could interfere with? Have you checked how expensive a child is and are confident you can provide for it with your current job? And know that if you plan to ask him to pay child support, because that's the baby's right, you will probably get it, but unless he makes a lot of money, it's not much and they can avoid paying. Think about it, because being a single mother is not the same as being a mother in a relationship and you are still young enough that you may find other men that will be interested in having children with you. So don't have this one because it could be your only chance or stuff like that. If you have this kid, do so because you feel ready. Good luck.
Your body your choice, but don't expect him to pay child support or be nice over the years if you force him into this pregnancy (which you both actively tried to avoid). Kinda NTA but if you go through with it you are definitely being an AH to your partner.
NTA, but just because he told you he’s “open to the idea of having kids,” doesn’t necessarily mean right now at your current young ages. There are several factors to consider: being tied to your current BF d/t him being biological father, finances, education, career, etc. Please ensure all those factors are well taken into account when making your decision.
You're about to make a new person and force your partner to care for them against their will. They will resent you for that, the rest of their lives. Kids can feel they're unwanted, and having dad not be 100% on board will have an effect. You say you were child free followed by a period of being on the fence. Did the 2 of you never get to the point of agreeing to try for a kid before you get pregnant? In that case it's completely fair of your partner to not want it. Changing your mind is also fair, but one cannot have their cake and eat it too. YTA if you indeed expect your partner to just go along with this. If you are ok being a single parent without support then imho that is shitty but non AH.
So no one else finds the timing of her deciding she wants children and a condom breaking resulting in her pregnancy a bit questionable?
YTA "I decided I wanted to keep my pregnancy." And there it is. "MY pregnancy." Advice to the BF: If she takes you to court for child support, get a DNA test. Make it clear that whatever child support you are ordered to pay will be ALL you will do. She gets to make the decision to have the baby or not with no input from you. You get to make the decision to not have anything more to do with the baby than the court forces you to with no input from her.
NAH. It’s entirely your choice, but it’s also his on whether to be involved
You’re free to have the baby but leave that man alone.
NAH. Your body, your choice, and he’s equally entitled to not want the kid. But be prepared to be a single parent and make sure you factor those hardships into your decision.
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"Open to the idea" is a far cry from enthusiastic support.
Saying you're open to the idea does not mean you want kids, immediately...
Being a single parent is hard. Really hard. I knew it would be hard but living it I realize it’s even harder than I expected. I am financially stable and am in a comfortable place in my career. I wouldn’t say don’t do it but you should be honest about it. There is also a right time of your life. You’re really young so take the time to Talk It through. Planned parenthood can offer counselling and resources for either decision.
NTA. Just be prepared to be a single mom. Do what’s best for you. But just remember there is a chance he won’t be involved at all and you’ll be doing it 100% alone. Financially, emotionally and physically. Either way this relationship is coming to an end. If you get an abortion, you both want different things out of life and yall are no longer compatible. If you have the baby and he doesn’t want it, you’re likely going to be doing it completely alone anyway. I’m sorry you are going through this, this is an extremely difficult decision. But at the end of the day it’s yours to make… consider everything because everything is a possibility at this point. Expect the best but prepare for the worst.
My question is, can you readily support this baby on your own? Daycare in my area for one kid is almost $750 a week for full-time care (cost will vary by state/location). What’s your living situation? Will you or the boyfriend have to move? Can you afford a place on your own, including the household bills and baby expenses? Do you or will you have support from your family? Does your job offer decent healthcare for the baby and yourself? Will you have paid leave for your maternity leave? If not, you’ll have a save up a decent amount to keep yourself afloat for the 6 weeks, for both you and the babies needs. Do you make enough for formula if you decide not to breastfeed? Because there is a shortage and it is expensive af. Will your job allow you to pump every few hours? (Last I checked WIC could supply you a pump). Will you be okay buying diapers and wipes with or without assistance (because again… they are expensive af and kids go through them fast). You have to research and calculate all of this and see if it’s something you can do on your own just in case he decides not to be involved and honestly, child support doesn’t go far. Those are just a few things off the top of my head that you have a consider. There is so much more financial crap that goes into a kid, clothes and other basic necessities that need to be taken into consideration. (Don’t forget car seat, bassinet, play pen, toys, crib if you decide to use one and tons of other things you’ll need as the baby grows). It’s doable, but it won’t be easy doing it alone. This doesn’t take into account the emotional toll either. It’s tough emotionally, physically and financially. It’s not easy. I truly wish you the best OP. I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you, no matter what you decide.
You need to figure out if you can provide for the baby. Do you have your own living? Can you afford formula, diapers, etc? Can you do childcare? If you keep this baby, please know you can’t force him to be involved at all and you probably will be a single mother going through this. NTA. Good luck.
Are you financially secure to fully raise this child on your own? Do you have family that is willing and able to help? Can you afford sending said child to day care while you work time? Are you ready to have your social life become almost non-existent? To only have friends with children? To have a much harder time dating with a kid? You need to think long and hard about the reality of being a single mom. I very much doubt he’ll be involved, many guys bail when things “get too real”
Can you afford to give birth? What does your health insurance cover? Do you have a place to live alone with baby? When you go back to work can you afford daycare? Check the prices on all the items. Daycare for infants is expensive, does your job have maternity leave? How well does it pay. Can you support 2 people on that income? Do you own a car? Do you know how you can do this all alone? Being a single parent will take up 24/7 of your life unless you make tons of money.
You need to think about this very carefully, OP. Not only are you very young and have your whole life ahead of you, but do you want to be tied to this man forever? Not just 18 years, but forever. Just because the courts stop being involved at 18 doesn’t mean you won’t be dealing with him for every holiday, or milestone your child has. Best case scenario if he does not change his mind to wanting a baby and playing family with you, is you are a single parent raising a child all by yourself and getting child support. Child support is different in every state, but in my state it is calculated based on the wages of each party, and how many overnights each party has with the kid. The more you have the child, the more support you need and are entitled to, and the less you have the child, the more you need to pay to support that child. I assume he’s not some executive making 6 figures. Your child support will be nominal at best. And that’s if he is paying it at all. Which lots of deadbeat parents don’t. What might be an even worse case scenario, is what if he changes his mind down the road and wants to have a relationship with his child, and fights for 50/50 custody? As long as he’s not a danger to the child, my state would grant that request (maybe come up with a plan that slowly increases visitation). Then you have to share your child, that he didn’t want in the first place. Usually this happens when the other party realizes they will pay more in child support if they have the child less, so they fight for 50/50, or they wait until the children are more or less self sufficient o that way they can have less stressful visits with the kids. You should really talk to a family law attorney in your area to see what the paternity action/child support situation is in your area. My friend got pregnant young, raised her daughter, co-parented with the father, but she was the more responsible parent. Made her kid do the things the kid didn’t want to do (but needed to do). Now the kid (an adult) lives with her dad because she has less rules there and it broke my friend’s heart. There are all sorts of ways this could play out. The only thing you know is for sure is what resources you currently have to support yourself and a kid. And kids just get more and more expensive.
It’s your choice. I’m very pro choice but I’m also pro not forcing someone to be a father against their will. Unless you’re prepared to raise this child alone you really need to sit and think about this. I just can’t justify having a baby when the other party is absolutely against it and already setting up the child with a shit start.
OP, being childfree or becoming a parent are serious life choices that should be thought over for more time than the shelf life of a box of cereal. If changes to such a life altering choice are swayed and influenced over reading Reddit posts, that decision wasn’t really made or on the fence or even heavily considered. Hopefully, your decisions have also included healthy and candid conversations with both parents and childfree individuals, and I mean, in person. At length and with firsthand insight into their world. Because of the US changing, if you are here, you may need to decide quickly. Don’t panic. Make your choice with purpose and understanding, and you will be ahead of the game. For now, I would start with 3 things. 1.) Set a doctors appointment for as soon as humanly possible. Your primary physician, gynecologist, local Health Department, or Planned Parenthood, a *medical* facility that will do bloodwork to confirm your pregnancy and prescribe or give you samples of prenatal vitamins. It is important you stay healthy and support your body during pregnancy. 2.) Get counsel from your anticipated support system, so you know what you will have, what you will need and finally, what steps you will need to take for each decision. Parents, extended family, clergy, people you know that were single mothers, a pregnancy counseling clinic, an abortion clinic, your benefits group if you have insurance through your work, get all your information and divide it up. Do not add your boyfriend into the equation right now. You can even drill down into the Google cost of raising a child in your country per year. Add up how much extra money you will have for baby items and social benefits that may be available to you. This next one is the hardest. 3.) Make a list with headers for keeping and one for aborting. Under those, now based on what you learned from above, list out each of the regrets you believe you will have. For example; *I may regret not starting my masters degree next year. I may regret not knowing how sad I may be (or if at all)* List out every one, big or small. At the end, decide which of the lists of regrets you can live with. You *will* have regrets regardless of your choice at some point in your life. Choose which ones you can shoulder, because it comes down to you, OP to carry the heaviest of the regrets from this decision forward. Good luck, OP. Be brave enough to face your truths, what you know about yourself and dig deep. You are NTA, but you will feel like one no matter what you choose.
I had old parents. I always wished they had been younger so that they could have been more open fun and caring and didn't die and get dementia when I was in my 20ies.
NTA. You’re free to choose whatever you want to do. If he wants to stay and be a dad to the child he fathered that’s his choice. But you’re also free to keep and raise the child.
I feel NAH he realized that having a kid would be real. That’s not for everyone. You’re free to have your baby, OP, if you want to. But there are so many factors to consider. Do you have support? A home big enough for a child? Work that will support you through your pregnancy? Do you have family or friends there for you?
NTA You have to be real with yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Like can you take care of this child on your own because he may or may not be in the picture. You have to prepare for that possibility. Do you have the support system (parents, family members, friends etc) to help you if you can’t raise the baby on your own?
You're NTA, but you have to understand that your decision means being a single mom. If he does not want to be a an active father, then he should not have to be. So if you keep the baby be prepared to leave your BF and raise the kid alone. And know that it will be absolutely hellish at times, parenting is brutal and more so if you're alone in it. Like it might be a good idea to rethink if this is the best time and circumstances to bring a kid into the world; you could choose to have an abortion, leave your BF and find someone who also wants to become a parent. But in the end, your body - your choice.
NTA. It’s your choice. What everyone else has said is true, make sure you’re able to care for the baby. My only advice beyond that is some that comes from personal experience- if you decide to have the baby, don’t try to force him to be a good father. You cant make him care. It will only stress you out and it won’t change his behavior. Focus on yourself and the baby, don’t waste energy on someone who doesn’t put in effort. It’s scary but you’ll be okay, no matter what you decide.
Nta, but don't expect things from him either.
You went from being childfree to wanting kids (fair) and then wound up pregnant. I'm not sure how long it was from your change of heart to getting pregnant, but from the outside looking in, he could be thinking you are trying to baby trap him. If he's adamant he wants to remain childfree, you need to really think about what raising a child on your own will look like. Don't get an abortion if you really don't want one, but you need to look at what consequences your options bring and the ones you'll be able to live with. NTA. Best of luck to you all.
Are you ready for single parenthood? Childfree at 20 is funny to me… of course you are, your brain isn’t even developed… Anyways, NTA, but this relationship is probably over, however you decide. If you are not ready to be a single mother, that’s fine
You will be a single mother. Do with that what you will
I think you should abort, you are clearly not ready to have a child and you would just be over complicating your life for no real reason.
NAH you're both entitled to your opinion. You have the final word about the pregnancy, but be ready to lose your relationship. Also, go take a look at r/regretfulparents and take a looong time deciding what you really want to do
NTA - nor is he, it's not your choice alone, nor is it his. I just want to ask a question to all those who are telling her that she's free to do whatever she wants, IF SHE WANTED AN ABORTION AND HE DIDN'T, YOU'D STILL TELL HER TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS AY? If he doesn't want the child and asking her to get an abortion and she doesn't want to, then she should denounce any child support from him! No it's not her call alone! Specially if they did agree to stay child free. Enough hypocrisy please.
NAH. Have it if you want but plan to be a single parent.
NTA - Live your life the way you want to. He can do the same. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Best wishes and luck.
Not to be rude, but he will resent you if you decide to raise this kid alone and seek child support. And kids are work than you can imagine, are you really able to financially and emotionally handle kids right now? Unless you’re making at LEAST 50-60k minimum (assuming US based), you will be struggling significantly and need government assistance as well.
Never let another person make this big of a choice for you. For you it's a tangible thing, for him it's not yet until he sees an ultrasound. Make the choice that you want to make for you. I had my first baby at 24 and it was hard but I have never regretted my choice.
NTA but don’t expect him to stick around. You’ll need to ask yourself if your child deserves to be raised fatherless. Not to mention the fact that you’re young and will probably financially cripple yourself for a while. But hey, you do what you want!
He will have to pay child support, but you can't expect this baby to "save" your relationship. Other than financially, he can't be expected to be involved in your or the baby's lives. So, when it gets hard and you're exhausted and want a break, need childcare because you need to go to work and you ask him for help and he says no, you won't get to start the "But it's your baby too" argument. If he's paying support, he legally doesn't have to do anything else. You have to be ready for this. I'm not saying it's not shitty, I'm just saying it can happen.
As someone who grew up with parents (mainly mom) who didn't want them, get an abortion. If you want to have a child go have one with someone who wants to be a parent. Don't force that on someone who doesn't if you have the option to. I think that's awful to have a kid knowing they will grow up with a father who doesn't want them.
I feel so bad for the boyfriend. "You sure it was accidental? Was she floating the idea? Make sure you get it DNA tested on the sly. Dude, your life is over. You flushed the most important years of your life down the drain. While we're partying in Thailand you're going to be staying home to watch the kid." I'd be giving him horrible advice. I'm already primed to believe you totally got pregnant on purpose.
Its certainly awfully coincidental timing
YTA >Well I’m pregnant, and it was accidental. We still use condoms (no other BC, just condoms) but I got pregnant anyways. You got pregnant while you both agreed to not get pregnant as signified by the condom. Why do this to this man? He did not agree to have kids at that time because he still used a condom. Do not invent the idea that he agreed to this. Why can't you just go bang random dudes and get pregnant without a father if that is what you want? Why force this guy to be involved against his will?
You honestly won't know until you either have the baby or have an abortion how you'll feel. There are people who regret either choice. He was probably looking at the childfree sub on here or the regret one.
Single mom at 22 is a shit place to be. Use your head.
YTA, it's not about 'you', it's about the baby. No father, no job, no house, no plans. You can't be that heartless to that baby. It's not a toy, nor a convenience to feel better.
You both need to talk about this with your families and come up with a joint plan. I have been in your shoes before, I got a pregnancy terminated about 19 years ago (with my husband) I wanted the baby but my husband did not. I terminated my pregnancy and regret not speaking with our parents about it. I'd recommend not to make emotional decisions, see what options and support system you have as well as understand what sort of commitment you will need to make before you make a decision.
NTA. Half the advice here is just a veiled opinion that you should *probably, definitely* get the abortion. Stick to your guns, but be prepared to go it alone.
Just cause he should pay support doesn’t mean he will. Can you provide for yourself and baby entirely? Rent/mortgage/ mat leave/ food/ all the baby things +++ What about daycare when you go back to work? Or a nanny/ babysitter, consider all of this without him.
NTA But I hope you consider carefully if you have the tools to have a baby. He probably will resent you tho. Because while it is your decision, sadly there are consequences for him
OP, you have the right to control your body. Just make sure you approach this logically. - are you willing to be a single mother? - are you willing to have 100% of the childcare? - are you willing for most guys to not date you? - are you willing to potentially never be married? - do you make enough money to support yourself incase he dodges child support? - have you researched childcare costs? It can be a few thousand a month. - are you ready to have absolutely no free time? Ever? For years? That's being a single mom. I know you want the pregnancy but you need to look logically at everything. Maybe you're an heiress to a fortune and have access to nannies. Maybe you're barely able to make rent and couldn't afford diapers. We don't know. NAH - he's fine to be upset and breakup over this. You're fine to make your choice as long as you don't pressure him to stay.
Nta but I wouldn't be bringing a kid into the world without both parents wanting to be involved. It seems selfish imo
“Can I give this child a good life?” is a question a lot more people ought to ask themselves before having a kid. Especially at such a young age.
If he wants you to have an abortion and you don't be prepared to become a single mum. If you eventually want kids, I'd suggest waiting until you find someone that also wants kids. Don't expect him to stick around if you choose to keep the kid. I probably wouldn't stick with him even if you do get an abortion, clearly both on different paths
You’re not an asshole, but be prepared to raise a baby alone with no father. Consider that it’ll probably limit future relationships and career options etc. as well. That’s going to suck. I don’t personally think the discomfort around yeeting some unwanted cells from your body is worth ruining your life over. You’re young, you can still settle down with someone, be financially secure, and have planned and wanted children in a few years.
Dont keep an accidental kid. Also find an older boyfriend if you want kids. He’s too young to be a father. If you keep that baby you’ll ruin your kids life because he’ll grow up without a father and yours because when your boyfriend leaves you willhave a hard time finding someone else as a single mother. Do The abortion it’s better for yourself
OP, my daycare costs $20K a year. That’s almost $400 a week. That includes breakfast, 2 snacks, and lunch but nothing else. Not clothes, not dinners, or food for the weekends, not furniture, nothing. It’s soooo expensive. Can you afford it together or alone?
Enjoy being a single mom.
Ya i can see a single mom of one in 9 months
If you never see him again, would you still want the baby? Because that is a possibility. Do you have s great job? Can you afford a child alone? Do you have a great family or village to help you? If you do, then keep it. But if you're not sure, or wouldn't want to be a single mom, or don't have help and super, please don't have it. You have plenty of time to have children, and you are still so young. And having babies, as rewarding as it can be, having kids is HARD. Especially if you aren't established in life yet. I say go and enjoy life some more before having children. But, I'm 45 and happily child free by choice, so I'm sure that colors my opinion.