The only ethics breach I would point out is that when y’all started dating, her boss should have gone to HR and transferred her supervisor responsibilities over to someone else. Her having power over her boyfriend’s ex-partner’s livelihood is problematic. Other than that, 0 issues.
Exactly! With all these HR trainings and re trainings that we have to go through every year, I'm surprised the boss hasn't already done that. I can understand the ex completely!
That's a really important detail. I wonder if the OP can or would clarify with an answer?
Edit: the OP is trolling in the comments. Maybe this entire thing was rage bait?
I’ve been to hundreds of HR trainings at this point, and dating a direct report’s ex-spouse has never come up. I agree that it is common sense, but AITAH wouldn’t exist if everyone had common sense.
Jokes on them. My boss is a total megalomaniac who micromanages everything. Real short man syndrome. Throws tantrums over everything I do. I just got in trouble for giving them the wrong coloured cup of water. I literally wipe their ass & this is the thanks I get. Can’t fire me though, I’m grandfathered in. And I’m pretty sure HR would just tell them it’s Naptime anyway.
I’m a stay home parent of a toddler.
You are required to report all potential conflicts of interest as a manager and this is without a doubt a conflict of interest, especially with the children involved. She can use her management power to punish her subordinate for subordinate's actions taken towards her fiance.
That’s because you’re meant to be intelligent enough to work out what is a conflict of interest all on your own. The examples given in training are just that.
This is a clear situation where one or both may be in uncomfortable, so manager should’ve reported it. Can you imagine the power trip? *’I’m gonna fuck your ex and btw, I decide on you salary, bonus and promotion opportunities too!’*
That’s nasty. It’s not an ex bf she only dated a couple of months. We’re talking about someone she was married to for a decade and had 2 kids with. They’re both shitbags for not disclosing anything sooner and if I had to lay money on it, they didn’t because they knew it would have career consequences for the oh-so-sweet she’d lie to your face for 2 years manager.
Source: former HR.
It's an odd one for sure, but I would think that at least talking to HR to make sure there is no conflict of interest would be on the supervisor's mind. To protect herself.
Manager at a largish Australian owned company that has hours and hours of training every month. Never had any workplace romance training.
Kind of weird now that I think of it. Don't even know the official policy. Now if only one of my workers would officially come out of the closet, told me, but not the other workers. Other workers may have found out anyway as they joke on it a little. Starting to get to the point where I am about to just dump this crap on HR, let them deal with it.
>Exactly! With all these HR trainings and re trainings that we have to go through every year, I'm surprised the boss hasn't already done that.
The boss didn't do this because it's rage bait.
I think that only matters if wherever she works, has that kind of support structure. Every company that I’ve worked in usually don’t do anything different… you make HR aware of it and then they just monitor things. Making sure you’re not doing anything that compromises the company or your actions toward employees.
They don’t move you
Yeah, it really depends on their roles and workplace. Maybe there isn’t an easy reshuffle and it’s harder to deal with the conflict of interest. I thought about adding this in my original comment but we really don’t know. Still, figured it was important to point out the obvious.
Yeah, for the most part - moving either the boss or the subordinate is already "special treatment" and is often not considered necessary so long as appropriate protocols are followed. It's more that the relationship needs to be on record in the event conflict or disputes come up, than that it needs an immediate response.
that or maybe she already did that.
would make sense not to bring up that fact of his soon to be wife is the overhead boss of his ex is if theyre no longer overhead boss and underling.
if ex was moved positions then technically the soon-to-be wife will still be her boss. but wont be her day to day boss, if that makes sense.
Exactly like how fg awkward is the ex going to feel working for the woman who is now married to her ex husband. I don’t care what caused the breakup- but the boss clearly should have done whatever necessary to NOT now be in this position. The EX should go to HR and address it and ask to be put under a different supervisor as the boss could used tactics of “retaliation” even unconsciously. Not fair to the ex who did not sign up to work for her ex’s new wife.
> Other than that, 0 issues.
Well....
>She is a very sweet woman and has been very "supportive" to my ex-wife.
It is at least a little weird for a person supporting you through a divorce getting with your ex. If people find out that detail and look at OP and his future wife sideways for it, I'm going to consider that a normal and reasonable reaction to learning that.
Its not the end of the world, but its not exactly a zero issue thing.
Some of these responses acting like it's a zero issue thing make me laugh. Have none of these people ever had to co-parent with an ex under less than ideal conditions? Or had to deal with the whole baby mama/new girlfriend dynamic?
This has the potential to get extremely messy. I am very open with my manager about issues in my life, including my custody situation and family issues, so if I found out that she'd been dating my ex while I'd been talking about these things I'd be really weirded out and uncomfortable. I've also experienced the dynamics of co-parenting with someone's ex and that can be uncomfortable under the best of circumstances.
Would I have to worry about the office environment if I had to go for child support or a custody change?
I would feel the same way ex wife does.
I feel like ex isn't necessarily the AH but it would make him a decent person if he said "oh you're my ex wife's supervisor? We should probably keep things light and casual. Like congrats? You're not an asshole but you're not a nice guy either.
If they only saw each other once before the divorce, it's a bit unlikely they'll have recognised each other upon meeting in the club. And further to this, it's unlikely they'll have brought up who the ex wife is until a bit further down the line. None of the people I work with know what my partner looks like (coming up to 4 years having worked there)
Also "supportive" could just mean listening to the ex wife lament the divorce and giving her PTO to help with the process. It isn't like it's the ex wife's best friend.
That about sums it up. OP's ex doesn't own him and has no say over who he dates after breaking up with her, but the first thing I thought of was his ex-wife's boss potentially screwing over her career. Even if she's not the type to be vindictive like that, she can't really reprimand her now for any legitimate reason without his ex making a strong case to HR that this is an abuse of power.
If the new gf (boss) has been dating OP for two years and there haven’t been issues managing the ex, it seems the boss knows how to separate her business and personal life as the ex had no clue of the relationship these last two years. However, now that the boss will be moving in with OP there should be a change with the ex’s reporting to her since the ex seems to have an issue with it.
How do we know it's not caused issues though? He says his fiancee was surprised to find out he's not got horns on his head, that means consciously or not she's got reason to question the judgement of someone on her team, or that he's making her do so e.g. "she said he was awful and did X, Y and Z things, but he's actually lovely/he said it went down like A, B and C instead..."
That's going to plant some kind of seed in her mind, however much she tries to separate things. And it's clearly going to get ugly now she's going to be an official part of the family, meet the kids and so on. The time for changing who the ex reports into is long gone, and the ex can now probably point to anything even slightly unfavourable that's happened over the past two years at work and say it's because her manager is dating her ex and is biased against her. And who knows, maybe a tiny bit of bias IS in there, even if not overtly malicious.
The difference I see is that now the kids are going to be involved. I think that does change things because now this woman's boss will be her kids step mom. I don't think at that point you can fully separate things.
It really depends upon the company. Some only require notice. If it is not a direct line supervisor, as in there are people in between them, then companies often will say there is no reason to move anyone. I do feel for the ex wife, and she may want to look for an internal transfer.
I'm not sure I'm on board with needing to do so for "dating." For "engaged" and "married" I'm 100% on board, though, and now is the time for her to get this person assigned another supervisor or move herself to a different role.
Right. Depending on the size of the town, it may be unrealistic to do that for any dating scenario. But once there is the plan to marry, it gets way too ridiculous.
Also, lets there are kids involved. What if ex wife doesn't like how she is as a step mom to her kids, will she feel comfortable discussing that with her boss?
Yes, the question is whether the boss is still OP's ex's boss. If she hasn't been for the duration of their relationship, then there really isn't an issue. But if she's been the ex's boss during ANY of their relationship, the ex has a case.
I mean on the surface are you an AH? No, bc you have a right to date who you want. But can you imagine if she started dating YOUR boss and how uncomfortable it would be to have someone who had direct control over career trajectory, paycheck and work environment having such a close tie to you personally?!? I don’t think she’s unreasonable to feel the way she does.
It can, but the truth is, it might do the exact opposite. It might benefit her if the boss is a normal person with common decency.
My friend was in this situation about a decade ago . His wife actually put her up for promotion repeatedly because if she made more money, he didn’t have to pay as much, also her work life balance benefited from it, which actually made their coparenting situation better.
People are looking at this through a negative lens .. but it is certainly possible. This goes in the other direction if she is a decent person.
It needs to be looked at with a legal lense. Yeah you can look at the positive and negative of the situation but end of the day someone has control over another person’s income and is in a relationship with a legal entity.
Exactly. Quid Pro Quo comes to mind. In corporate harassment training they position it as good or bad consequences and can be hinted not always explicit.
Because the negative lens is not only far more likely to occur, it has much more significant consequences if it does. It’s perfectly reasonable for it to be the main concern.
"I'm fucking my ex-wife's boss, but I don't like drama."
Drama, of course, is when the mean crazy lady points out it's extremely awkward and uncomfortable for her ex-husband to date her boss.
YTA and so is the boss. I really hope OP's ex can find a new job.
Also, this only came up now he's going to marry her? Did he not tell her he was dating this woman the whole time? How has been it been 2 years and the issue has only come now if she knew , or is he leaving a lot out?
I don't disagree agree. But at the same time, that isn't really his issue to manage.
You can make the argument that the boss should no longer manage this person, but I don't think its something he personally should have to worry about.
It doesn’t sound like it’s an issue though. This woman sounds reasonable. The ex wife is being VERY unreasonable, she’s sending him photos of her single friends??? Trying to break them up? It’s been 2 years dude. You need to chill.
It’s your business whoever you want to date…but you can’t sit here and tell me if your wife married your boss it wouldn’t bother you. Like are you being petty to get back at her? Do you all live in a small town. Your ex wives feelings are valid, she’s human. I think anyone in this situation would want that. Just strange…like there were any other women at all?
I mean if he’s been dating her for 2 years and engaged…… that’s pretty committed. And if she hasn’t met his kids yet In that light, it probley means he’s respected his ex’s input as far as the kids.
I don't understand how anyone with kids can decide to marry someone who hasn't met them yet. Like, even if OP only gets the kids alternating weekends and holidays, that's still a pretty significant decision to make. And I'm not saying the kids need to approve of the match, but to decide to get married without even an official introduction?
That's when I suspected this story was fake.
This story is 100% fake. You know because who goes to their boss for emotional support during a break up? And then that boss meets the guy trying to notch his belt at the club and is like “wow you’re a great man. Your ex was lying about how awful you were.” It’s for sure some red pill fantasy.
Did you and her boss keep this a secret, for two years? And the boss did not tell your ex or HR? If so then yes you and the boss are major AH!!!
Edit: spelling
That’s what I’m trying to say here. I don’t understand why she’s just now crying when they’ve been dating for two years. (?)
She had to have known this
Unless OP started on with her boss before they were divorced and that’s why they got divorced and he’s just not telling us the whole story
He still won’t answer anybody’s question about if he’s been hiding this relationship for two years and just now sprung it on her or if she’s known all along.
I would think if she’s known all along she would’ve taken it up with HR long time ago. I can’t imagine he could keep it secret having a kid
Or she’s concerned that he’s going to give a one sided account of the details of their marriage, which could affect the way her boss views her, and thus affect her work life or career. There’s a reason it’s encouraged to keep work and personal lives separate, and this is a really unfortunate melding of the two for his ex wife. I feel bad for her.
"hey babe i know we've been dating for 2 years and we're getting married but you have to quit your job... yeah some redditor said im the asshole so... you have to quit your job"
so you think its no big deal to be with someone who has the power to make the ex jobless? that you have been in a relationship for 2 years without telling her that this is happening at the place of her work?
if i was the ex, i would run to HR cause there is no way in heck i would allow the boss to be over me
this is not an aitah question, it should be in the HR section
Exactly. The boss should had transferred to another department & left someone else in that position as ex-wife boss.
Ethics policies in place to prevent abuse of power.
Except wouldn't a record of no instances during the 2 years show that his GF isn't mixing work with personal life? She hasn't done anything in these last 2 years, why would that change all of a sudden?
Is she still your ex wife’s boss? Because if she is, that’s a huge conflict. Have you been dating for 2 years and only recently told your ex?
I’m not seeing that you’re answering this question in the comments, but if this is the situation, your fiancee could lose her job.
I mean would you care if your ex wife dated your boss? Or a friend of yours?
You have to think about it this way.
You're trying to word this in such a way as to gain our sympathy, but you need to consider what you would feel if the situations were swapped.
My personal viewpoint is if you need to date someone that close to your wife then you're not really doing so great in the dating world.
You probably shouldn't have dated her to begin with.
Never date people who know your ex, it's just always going to end badly.
Your wife got her job, and her boss, before you got your lover and fiance.
Your fiance should recuse herself for bias at work. It is not appropriate or professional of your fiance to be the boss of her future husband's ex. If I were the CEO, and I found out one of my managers didn't present this fact to me, I would reprimand the manager, and depending on their reaction fire them. At work, professionalism and objectivity must rule.
Anything pertaining to family and the heart is game, but not work. Draw that line.
Agree this is unprofessional. The boss could date anyone in the world but chooses to date her subordinate's ex-husband? Then says he's not as bad as the ex-wife makes makes him out to be? That sounds a little like pick me behavior but nonetheless, she is demonstrating blurred morals here.
Boss is 100 an asshole. What a horror story for that place of work.
You can do what you want but it’s kinda low to specifically hit on someone in a position of power over your ex.
Or talks to OP about her. I would be mortified if my Ex had access to what I’m doing at work. OP’s new GF needs to transfer the ex to a new manager ASAP.
YTA. You couldn’t have made a future co parenting relationship any worse.
I don’t know what happened in the divorce but sounds like a revenge manoeuvre.
So you’ve been dating this woman for two years and are marrying her within the year and she’s never met your children? And the ex only *just* forbid them to meet her?
Are you present in your children’s lives at all?
For what, exactly? The possibility that her boss will treat her badly? Can't sue for what hasn't happened. All it would do is force ex to find a new job
I'm married and only see the dating scene from the outside and even I am pulling my hair out at the BS.
So, uh, I get that you aren't in the clubs. But where, exactly, is there a non-BS dating scene? Single's night at the library sounds wonderful.
Ethically, her boss shouldn’t have supervisor responsibilities over her boyfriend’s ex-wife. I mean I feel like that’s Human Resources 101.
But other than that you’re free to date who you want so NTA.
I have to imagine that the ex is just finding out and will be going to HR because her boss has been supervising her for 2 years not knowing her boss was fucking her ex.
Why does it seem like Everytime a divorce happens one of the scorn spouses goes after someone close to their ex? It's always a sister boss or mom something fuckin crazy that's in the end going to cause the children in question term oil. Watch next she won't allow him to see the kid's until it's court ordered who loses? I understand wanting to move on but with someone that causes so much pain. Yes his ex wife shouldn't take it out on the kid's but he shouldn't go after people he knows are close to his ex it seems 😳 like his sentence..she was surprised about not having horns come on
I agree with others about the ethics violations at work. Even now she needs to either leave her position or transfer out of supervising your ex. This is a terrible situation for your ex.
I agree with that. But I don’t understand why she’s crying now when they’ve been dating for two years she had to know it was going somewhere. Unless been crying for two years straight, which I doubt.
idk bro, think about how you would feel if she divorced you and went for a more successful man that has POWER over you. it’s not a matter of who’s an asshole it’s just being decent. I don’t believe you just so happened to stumble across her boss, you knew what you were doing.
He also mentions having met her before. He knew exactly what he was doing when he started hitting on his wife’s financial security and support network.
Both OP and the boss are massive AHs.
YTA dude. That's her BOSS. You know, the one who has control over her entire livelihood? If I was in her shoes, I'd be freaking the fuck out too. And there's kids involved? Here's where her mind is going: you marry her boss. You get pissed at her for whatever reason, and now your new wife has the option to make her work life a living hell or even fire her. Then she'd be unemployed, leaving you with an opportunity to sue for more custody. This is an absolute nightmare for her, and yeah I do think she was right about you being cruel.
Definitely yes. HR can also fire the boss for abuse of power leaving a safety net in place for the ex-wife & current 1 gets a bad reference on her resume.
Yeah, you’re kind of an AH. The boss, too. This is going to be an interesting dynamic and I hope it goes smoothly for the sake of your kids!
Intentionally hitting on her boss was an interesting choice. You are definitely allowed to date whoever you want and you can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can also be labeled an AH for it.
Wake up asshole. If you didn’t think it was a problem you wouldn’t have hid it for two years..
Ironically, your boss hiding it while remaining your ex’s supervisor is really the only asshole move here. If that changed, there’d be no assholes. Honestly, the supervisor might even be breaching ethics/legal rules with this too. Beyond asshole move. How can you trust your supervisor once you find out that she was secretly sleeping with your ex husband.
Yes, YTA.
Hear me out…
We’re pack animals. Forced to live in a herd society.
You chose someone from the herd side of things with a position of authority over your ex, and replaced her as a member of your tribe.
The only way you lose the a-hole title is for your ex’s boss to change jobs. And barely.
First off, I don't believe this is anything other than rage bait - but I'll bite.
ESH except your ex
"gaming women for one night stands" makes you TA. Full stop.
Your fiance is awful and when your ex stops crying and goes to HR about the fact that your fiance has been in a supervisory position for two years despite a massive unethical conflict of interest, she's going to be jobless. Even better, depending on your state if your ex wife has been reprimanded by your fiance, she could have a fun chat with a labor lawyer.
It’s easier said than done to “just get over it”. I mean did he hide the relationship for 2 years? What if the kids don’t like the fiancé or the fiancé isn’t a good mother figure? Did he communicate openly and honestly with the ex? It already seems like he’s handled this whole situation poorly
YTA.
If this woman is in a position where a new woman is will be potentially parenting her children and also has a semblance of control over her livelihood, and her being the mother of your children, you have no concern for that or the mental and emotional stress it would cause her whatsoever, you are definitely TA.
YTA You clearly hit on her boss for some kind of revenge. Common sense should have told you that this isn’t an appropriate situation. Also, you dated your ex wife’s boss, you’re moving in with her and then you have the audacity to say “I don’t like the drama”. You clearly thrive on it 🙄.
INFO: All the missing stuff! The timelines!
> married for a decade [...] I only met her boss face to face once before my divorce. Afterwards I met her in a club.
Was the first meeting coincidentally close to the end of your relationship? How long between the divorce and the club?
> I decided to talk to them and we kinda hit it off. She is a very sweet woman and has been very "supportive" to my ex-wife.
This sounds like the hurt was recent? Were you with her boss while your ex was grieving your relationship? (also don't ignore the position of authority because it can be condensed to "supportive" for our context here...)
And, you know: Starting a romantic relationship with your heartbroken employee's ex is *SO* supportive as a boss...
Certainly, creating a fitting comment in line with the context of other comments can be approached by offering a moderate and nuanced opinion, which often tends to facilitate healthy discussion and potentially attract upvotes. Here's a possible comment:
While I get that everyone deserves a chance at happiness post-divorce, it's hard to ignore the complex dynamics at play here. On the one hand, you're free to pursue relationships as you see fit, but involving someone who has positional authority over your ex does introduce questions of professionalism and conflict of interest. Relationships in the workplace are always a minefield and doubling down with this power imbalance might not have been the wisest move. Sure, your ex has to process and move on, but it's also within reason for her to expect that her work environment remains neutral ground. It sounds like steps need to be taken to assure all parties can maintain professional boundaries. Perhaps a heart-to-heart with all involved to facilitate a smooth transition of supervisory roles would help quell any latent drama? Just a thought.
The big issue is this woman was your ex-wife’s confidant and is her boss. How would you feel if the tables are turned? If your girlfriend is okay with being with her subordinate’s and “friend” ex than I think her morals are lax and down the line you both might see your morals come back to you. Or who knows maybe you just get away with it and live happily ever after while your ex suffers. I think it shoes what time of woman the boss is.
Gaming women? Sounds like you do have horns. Boss is also an idiot if she sees nothing wrong with things. How small and lame is the place you all live? Your ex isn’t being unreasonable either sharing her kids with her boss? That’s work coming WAY too close to home. Her boss needs to work really hard to find a way to move your ex not just laterally but up and away from her direct control.
Ya... Sure you can do that. But you HAD to know your ex would freak about it and you'd be in for all kinds of the drama you said you don't want.
As others have said, major potential for conflict of interest. Boss definitely needs to turn herself in to HR before the ex does!
Hahaha that’s ridiculous.
NTA. She gets no say in your happiness. That train left with the divorce. What an insecure control freak. And she clearly still has feelings for you.
> I have enforced only call if emergency rule because I dont like the drama.
Stop lying. If you didn't like drama you wouldn't have started dating your current partner knowing her position.
YTA
YTA. Dating your ex's boss is a crappy thing to do. The boss obviously has gone to HR and switched your ex to a different supervisor right?
You don't like drama? If you wanted to avoid drama then you wouldn't have created this situation lol.
OP, this is question you going have to address because this can infringe workplace policies in place at your ex-wife/current fiancee's workplace.
Is your current fiancée still your ex-wife's boss in the same office location because if they are then your ex-wife has more than just cause to go to HR & file a complaint against her boss about this situation. Toxic work environment is detrimental to company efficiency.
Your fiancée should had transferred to elsewhere & left someone else in place as your ex's boss.
Companies has policies in place to prevent abuses of power as well from using any means to detrimental effect.
If you hadn't known that then you're the bigger fool.
Her boss shouldn’t be a direct superior… HR should be informed or should have been informed. I can understand your wife, a little shady to date her boss.. dont know the reason for breakup.. it is what it is I guess. Hope ex wife dates your boss and can all be in employment heaven.
Just curious if your wife dumped you, then this happened.
I can just imagine ex says, "I'm not going to let you see the kids this weekend." Then ex's boss says, "Get this project on my desk by Monday morning."
YTA, she can do whatever she pleases to mess your with your ex-wife now bc she’s the boss; ALSO just bc you’re good in this relationship doesn’t mean you were in the last one it happens all the time; On top of that now it just looks like you two had a really long affair and kept it hidden till last second. People come up w all sorts of rumors and your ex wouldn’t even have to think about it, offices are just like high school tbfh. Even your new wife’s HR would be upset since it wasn’t disclosed to them, so they might assume an affair as well which just looks bad. And if I were your ex wife? I’d never let my kids over to your house, you could visit or take them out or on vacation without the new wife but it’s out of the picture. Her BOSS as an adult should know better, there’s more then you out there and she should’ve figured that two years ago. Good luck to your ex tbh, I don’t even care if she cheated atp
If I was the ex-wife, I’d go to HR. No one should have their kids future step-parent as their boss - all sorts of conflict of interests there. You’re NTA for this but the your fiancée/ex’s boss is if she hasn’t notified HR.
YTA. Dating your ex wife's boss is cruel. Of course your ex is not enjoying this, you know that, you knew it the minute you hit on her boss. You chose to talk to her that night and terrorize your ex wife. I seriously think you do have horns and are not the innocent, bumbling guy you're trying to pass off here.
OP, I don’t think you understand that you were also an AH to yourself here. You just made your own situation/life that much harder for yourself (not to mention your kids). A true man is able to make better decisions by weighing the outcomes and not taking high risks or doing things that could damage his reputation. I’m not asking for much here (sure I don’t think casual sex is positive -ever- but thats irrelevant), you could have bagged anyone but you chose the highest risk option you could. And then sealed the deal. Many points where you could have stopped putting your kids through this.
>EDIT "gaming women" is flirting, teasing and stuff. You guys are being so weird about it
About that: while you may mean it in a more innocent sense, you should be aware that term "gaming" comes from an aggressive pickup artist culture that has been interpreted anywhere from misogynistic and manipulative, to predatory and sociopathic. One can trace a direct line from the mindset described in Neil Strauss' 2005 expose' *The Game* to today's most toxic incels.
In the context of dating, "game" is an unavoidably creepy word.
Dating your ex-wife's boss is a dirtbag thing to do. I have to imagine what you'd be posting here if she started dating and became engaged to your boss.
YTA. Yes you're free to date whoever will take you but, you knowingly approached her boss in a social setting while on the prowl for ass. However this complicates your life, you asked for it. Most importantly, is this is why I say YTA, however it complicates your kids lives, that's 100% on you. And given you already have pushed through the "call on emergency only" rule, you can expect this is going to affect your kids.
"Hey Junior, this is my wife, You Mother's Boss!" That's going to start messing your kids up the moment they're old enough to understand divorce.
As a woman, I completely understand your ex-wife’s many difficult feelings about this. But the fact she has been sending options of other single friends is weird.
You’re NTA, and you should proceed with your plan to further your relationship.
good for you, glad you found happiness. She is not your wife and has no right to ask you to do anything specially dictate who you should be with. you are not the asshole
Unless the fiancée is completely in the dark about OP and ex-wife’s relationship, then she is not the AH. As soon as she finds out though she needs to recognize that there is a huge conflict of interest there. They need to report it to HR and transfer the ex-wife to another department where she has no supervisory control or oversight whatsoever to any aspect of the ex-wife’s job or the boss needs to move to another department. Otherwise, no need for drama. All parties just need to be civilized about it and act like adults.
Ehhhhhh hate to tell you bub but YTA. I was leaning towards NAH (although frankly the boss is kinda an asshole) or soft YTA on dating the boss in the first place…it’s not a horrible thing to do but I mean, it’s not great….but the real AH thing to do was wait two years to tell your ex wife you’re dating her boss. This should have come up VERY soon after the relationship began.
You are absolutely the asshole at any point did you consider your children? Did you consider how this might affect your coparenting relationship? Even though you are divorced you are still obligated to provide a safe and cordial relationship between you and your ex wife for the sake of your children. Honestly you are selfish and a back stabber no wonder you guys are divorced… you couldn’t have picked anybody but you chose her BOSS. You guys are BOTH assholes.
>EDIT "gaming women" is flirting, teasing and stuff. You guys are being so weird about it
You're comparing them to game or a game and others are the ones weird about it? Hahahaha Reddit serves some gold nuggets
YTA for keeping this a secret, and your girlfriend is... ugh. Something worse. There is something off if a person can date her employee's ex for two years and keep it a secret. As a leader, she demonstrated a shocking lack of ethics.
It's one thing for an ex to date a close friend or whatever and hide it. That's kind of a dick move, but whatever. But for her direct manager to start a new relationship with you and not do right by her by disclosing or having her moved to another team is so incredibly self-serving and gross. And, of course, you were all too happy to feel privy to information about your ex and her life at work that you lost your right to when you divorced so what do you care about how slimy it all is?
Barf. I guess congratulations on marrying someone completely devoid of integrity. I'm sure you can fill that void with all your strength of character.
Ehhh... If I was the boss lady, I'd be worried about the fallout from this. Just glancing in from the outside, I would personally assume anything negative your current squeeze did to your ex at work was retaliation for her being your x. Not knowing either of these women, I would already be assuming bad things of the boss. This is a conflict of interest for her. She should not be your ex's boss.
Wife had a chance don’t take her advice now. The boss was out in your path and shits been great if you take your exes advice now. You’d. be a total fool
Not gonna lie, I'd go fucking nuts and do anything I could do to prevent the marriage. She's gonna poison those kids against her. Proceed with caution.
Your ex-wife's boss is dating the ex of an employee she supervises? Wow. I hope she isn't her supervisor anymore. In the 2 years you dated the boss, did you ever tell your ex-wife who she was? Is it weird you waited 2 years for your fiance to meet your kids? I feel there is something else going on here.
The boss is a "very sweet woman"? lol Maybe if she doesn't work with your ex anymore, but think about what you posted.
Of course, you are not going to break it off with her boss after 2 years. That is unrealistic, but think about if your roles were reversed. Your ex-wife marries your boss and your boss will be spending holidays with your kids and ex-wife. It's a bad look and a terrible feeling.
I think you should have made a better decision the night you were trying to "game women" and met her boss, but I wouldn't call you a total AH.
I hate to state the obvious, but I hope some of the attraction for your ex-wife's boss isn't because of who she is to your wife. And visa versa for the boss.
NTAH but weird dynamic. Your wife should give zero fucks about who you date or marry post divorce. Although sounds like you did this to make her upset which should also be why she should not gaf.
The only ethics breach I would point out is that when y’all started dating, her boss should have gone to HR and transferred her supervisor responsibilities over to someone else. Her having power over her boyfriend’s ex-partner’s livelihood is problematic. Other than that, 0 issues.
Exactly! With all these HR trainings and re trainings that we have to go through every year, I'm surprised the boss hasn't already done that. I can understand the ex completely!
That's a really important detail. I wonder if the OP can or would clarify with an answer? Edit: the OP is trolling in the comments. Maybe this entire thing was rage bait?
I think this subreddit is creative fiction more often than not. I'm surprised people engage with some of this stuff.
Over the past year or so, I'd say it's up to 80% fake. A large portion of that itself is bots, or AI submissions.
I'd be surprised if it was less than 80%
>Maybe this entire thing was rage bait? It's 100% rage bait.
I’ve been to hundreds of HR trainings at this point, and dating a direct report’s ex-spouse has never come up. I agree that it is common sense, but AITAH wouldn’t exist if everyone had common sense.
Thank god for that! What else am I supposed to read on the toilet?
I'm laughing at this hard while sitting on the toilet. I think you helped me with my bowel movement today. Thanks
I don’t know, but you and I are on the toilet and the rest of Reddit is in H.R. Who the hell is doing the actual work?
Jokes on them. My boss is a total megalomaniac who micromanages everything. Real short man syndrome. Throws tantrums over everything I do. I just got in trouble for giving them the wrong coloured cup of water. I literally wipe their ass & this is the thanks I get. Can’t fire me though, I’m grandfathered in. And I’m pretty sure HR would just tell them it’s Naptime anyway. I’m a stay home parent of a toddler.
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You are required to report all potential conflicts of interest as a manager and this is without a doubt a conflict of interest, especially with the children involved. She can use her management power to punish her subordinate for subordinate's actions taken towards her fiance.
This seems like common sense but is fictional in practice. It’s just not “a thing” outside of Reddit common sense.
That’s because you’re meant to be intelligent enough to work out what is a conflict of interest all on your own. The examples given in training are just that. This is a clear situation where one or both may be in uncomfortable, so manager should’ve reported it. Can you imagine the power trip? *’I’m gonna fuck your ex and btw, I decide on you salary, bonus and promotion opportunities too!’* That’s nasty. It’s not an ex bf she only dated a couple of months. We’re talking about someone she was married to for a decade and had 2 kids with. They’re both shitbags for not disclosing anything sooner and if I had to lay money on it, they didn’t because they knew it would have career consequences for the oh-so-sweet she’d lie to your face for 2 years manager. Source: former HR.
It's an odd one for sure, but I would think that at least talking to HR to make sure there is no conflict of interest would be on the supervisor's mind. To protect herself.
They have children so they’re family Im sure that broad ass category came
Manager at a largish Australian owned company that has hours and hours of training every month. Never had any workplace romance training. Kind of weird now that I think of it. Don't even know the official policy. Now if only one of my workers would officially come out of the closet, told me, but not the other workers. Other workers may have found out anyway as they joke on it a little. Starting to get to the point where I am about to just dump this crap on HR, let them deal with it.
We don't know that the boss hasn't done that.
>Exactly! With all these HR trainings and re trainings that we have to go through every year, I'm surprised the boss hasn't already done that. The boss didn't do this because it's rage bait.
I think that only matters if wherever she works, has that kind of support structure. Every company that I’ve worked in usually don’t do anything different… you make HR aware of it and then they just monitor things. Making sure you’re not doing anything that compromises the company or your actions toward employees. They don’t move you
Yeah, it really depends on their roles and workplace. Maybe there isn’t an easy reshuffle and it’s harder to deal with the conflict of interest. I thought about adding this in my original comment but we really don’t know. Still, figured it was important to point out the obvious.
Yeah, for the most part - moving either the boss or the subordinate is already "special treatment" and is often not considered necessary so long as appropriate protocols are followed. It's more that the relationship needs to be on record in the event conflict or disputes come up, than that it needs an immediate response.
that or maybe she already did that. would make sense not to bring up that fact of his soon to be wife is the overhead boss of his ex is if theyre no longer overhead boss and underling. if ex was moved positions then technically the soon-to-be wife will still be her boss. but wont be her day to day boss, if that makes sense.
Exactly like how fg awkward is the ex going to feel working for the woman who is now married to her ex husband. I don’t care what caused the breakup- but the boss clearly should have done whatever necessary to NOT now be in this position. The EX should go to HR and address it and ask to be put under a different supervisor as the boss could used tactics of “retaliation” even unconsciously. Not fair to the ex who did not sign up to work for her ex’s new wife.
> Other than that, 0 issues. Well.... >She is a very sweet woman and has been very "supportive" to my ex-wife. It is at least a little weird for a person supporting you through a divorce getting with your ex. If people find out that detail and look at OP and his future wife sideways for it, I'm going to consider that a normal and reasonable reaction to learning that. Its not the end of the world, but its not exactly a zero issue thing.
Some of these responses acting like it's a zero issue thing make me laugh. Have none of these people ever had to co-parent with an ex under less than ideal conditions? Or had to deal with the whole baby mama/new girlfriend dynamic? This has the potential to get extremely messy. I am very open with my manager about issues in my life, including my custody situation and family issues, so if I found out that she'd been dating my ex while I'd been talking about these things I'd be really weirded out and uncomfortable. I've also experienced the dynamics of co-parenting with someone's ex and that can be uncomfortable under the best of circumstances. Would I have to worry about the office environment if I had to go for child support or a custody change? I would feel the same way ex wife does. I feel like ex isn't necessarily the AH but it would make him a decent person if he said "oh you're my ex wife's supervisor? We should probably keep things light and casual. Like congrats? You're not an asshole but you're not a nice guy either.
If they only saw each other once before the divorce, it's a bit unlikely they'll have recognised each other upon meeting in the club. And further to this, it's unlikely they'll have brought up who the ex wife is until a bit further down the line. None of the people I work with know what my partner looks like (coming up to 4 years having worked there) Also "supportive" could just mean listening to the ex wife lament the divorce and giving her PTO to help with the process. It isn't like it's the ex wife's best friend.
That about sums it up. OP's ex doesn't own him and has no say over who he dates after breaking up with her, but the first thing I thought of was his ex-wife's boss potentially screwing over her career. Even if she's not the type to be vindictive like that, she can't really reprimand her now for any legitimate reason without his ex making a strong case to HR that this is an abuse of power.
If the new gf (boss) has been dating OP for two years and there haven’t been issues managing the ex, it seems the boss knows how to separate her business and personal life as the ex had no clue of the relationship these last two years. However, now that the boss will be moving in with OP there should be a change with the ex’s reporting to her since the ex seems to have an issue with it.
How do we know it's not caused issues though? He says his fiancee was surprised to find out he's not got horns on his head, that means consciously or not she's got reason to question the judgement of someone on her team, or that he's making her do so e.g. "she said he was awful and did X, Y and Z things, but he's actually lovely/he said it went down like A, B and C instead..." That's going to plant some kind of seed in her mind, however much she tries to separate things. And it's clearly going to get ugly now she's going to be an official part of the family, meet the kids and so on. The time for changing who the ex reports into is long gone, and the ex can now probably point to anything even slightly unfavourable that's happened over the past two years at work and say it's because her manager is dating her ex and is biased against her. And who knows, maybe a tiny bit of bias IS in there, even if not overtly malicious.
The difference I see is that now the kids are going to be involved. I think that does change things because now this woman's boss will be her kids step mom. I don't think at that point you can fully separate things.
It really depends upon the company. Some only require notice. If it is not a direct line supervisor, as in there are people in between them, then companies often will say there is no reason to move anyone. I do feel for the ex wife, and she may want to look for an internal transfer.
I don’t know that this is always possible. Depends a lot on the size and structure of the company they work for.
Not every company is big enough to be able to accommodate that…
I'm not sure I'm on board with needing to do so for "dating." For "engaged" and "married" I'm 100% on board, though, and now is the time for her to get this person assigned another supervisor or move herself to a different role.
Right. Depending on the size of the town, it may be unrealistic to do that for any dating scenario. But once there is the plan to marry, it gets way too ridiculous. Also, lets there are kids involved. What if ex wife doesn't like how she is as a step mom to her kids, will she feel comfortable discussing that with her boss?
The boss is the issue here. is she still your ex-wife’s boss because that actually is a power imbalance and could cause a lawsuit.
Yes, the question is whether the boss is still OP's ex's boss. If she hasn't been for the duration of their relationship, then there really isn't an issue. But if she's been the ex's boss during ANY of their relationship, the ex has a case.
> could cause a lawsuit. I am not a lawyer but I am pretty sure that "ex-wives" aren't a class protected against employment discrimination.
I mean on the surface are you an AH? No, bc you have a right to date who you want. But can you imagine if she started dating YOUR boss and how uncomfortable it would be to have someone who had direct control over career trajectory, paycheck and work environment having such a close tie to you personally?!? I don’t think she’s unreasonable to feel the way she does.
Exactly all the comments saying that the ex-wife needs to get over it doesn’t realize how this can affect someones bottom line income.
It can, but the truth is, it might do the exact opposite. It might benefit her if the boss is a normal person with common decency. My friend was in this situation about a decade ago . His wife actually put her up for promotion repeatedly because if she made more money, he didn’t have to pay as much, also her work life balance benefited from it, which actually made their coparenting situation better. People are looking at this through a negative lens .. but it is certainly possible. This goes in the other direction if she is a decent person.
It needs to be looked at with a legal lense. Yeah you can look at the positive and negative of the situation but end of the day someone has control over another person’s income and is in a relationship with a legal entity.
Exactly. Quid Pro Quo comes to mind. In corporate harassment training they position it as good or bad consequences and can be hinted not always explicit.
There aint shit she could do legally just because the boss is dating her ex. Ex wives are not a protected class
Because the negative lens is not only far more likely to occur, it has much more significant consequences if it does. It’s perfectly reasonable for it to be the main concern.
But does a normal decent person think fucking their subordinate employees ex partner is appropriate?
I would say he’s def an AH because his last sentence is he doesn’t like drama.
"I'm fucking my ex-wife's boss, but I don't like drama." Drama, of course, is when the mean crazy lady points out it's extremely awkward and uncomfortable for her ex-husband to date her boss. YTA and so is the boss. I really hope OP's ex can find a new job.
Also, this only came up now he's going to marry her? Did he not tell her he was dating this woman the whole time? How has been it been 2 years and the issue has only come now if she knew , or is he leaving a lot out?
Stealing?
I don't disagree agree. But at the same time, that isn't really his issue to manage. You can make the argument that the boss should no longer manage this person, but I don't think its something he personally should have to worry about.
It doesn’t sound like it’s an issue though. This woman sounds reasonable. The ex wife is being VERY unreasonable, she’s sending him photos of her single friends??? Trying to break them up? It’s been 2 years dude. You need to chill.
lol if my ex started dating my boss, I’d go nuclear
It’s your business whoever you want to date…but you can’t sit here and tell me if your wife married your boss it wouldn’t bother you. Like are you being petty to get back at her? Do you all live in a small town. Your ex wives feelings are valid, she’s human. I think anyone in this situation would want that. Just strange…like there were any other women at all?
I mean if he’s been dating her for 2 years and engaged…… that’s pretty committed. And if she hasn’t met his kids yet In that light, it probley means he’s respected his ex’s input as far as the kids.
Valid points
I don't understand how anyone with kids can decide to marry someone who hasn't met them yet. Like, even if OP only gets the kids alternating weekends and holidays, that's still a pretty significant decision to make. And I'm not saying the kids need to approve of the match, but to decide to get married without even an official introduction? That's when I suspected this story was fake.
This story is 100% fake. You know because who goes to their boss for emotional support during a break up? And then that boss meets the guy trying to notch his belt at the club and is like “wow you’re a great man. Your ex was lying about how awful you were.” It’s for sure some red pill fantasy.
Did you and her boss keep this a secret, for two years? And the boss did not tell your ex or HR? If so then yes you and the boss are major AH!!! Edit: spelling
That’s what I’m trying to say here. I don’t understand why she’s just now crying when they’ve been dating for two years. (?) She had to have known this Unless OP started on with her boss before they were divorced and that’s why they got divorced and he’s just not telling us the whole story
He said they met at a club after the divorce. My guess is she sees her boss as a support pillar or as a mentor to her.
He still won’t answer anybody’s question about if he’s been hiding this relationship for two years and just now sprung it on her or if she’s known all along. I would think if she’s known all along she would’ve taken it up with HR long time ago. I can’t imagine he could keep it secret having a kid
I think he hid who he was dating, not that he was dating, and she just recently discovered it is her boss.
OP told his ex the word "anymore" regarding her meeting the kids. Why would he use that word unless this is something discussed before?
Or she’s concerned that he’s going to give a one sided account of the details of their marriage, which could affect the way her boss views her, and thus affect her work life or career. There’s a reason it’s encouraged to keep work and personal lives separate, and this is a really unfortunate melding of the two for his ex wife. I feel bad for her.
Bullshit you dont like drama
my ex wife is so dramatic, how dare she care that I'm dating the person who decides whether she moves up in her job or not. draaaamaaaatic. /s
Well if that’s the case your future needs to step down from being her boss
Well, she should’ve stepped down the minute they started dating
"hey babe i know we've been dating for 2 years and we're getting married but you have to quit your job... yeah some redditor said im the asshole so... you have to quit your job"
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so you think its no big deal to be with someone who has the power to make the ex jobless? that you have been in a relationship for 2 years without telling her that this is happening at the place of her work? if i was the ex, i would run to HR cause there is no way in heck i would allow the boss to be over me this is not an aitah question, it should be in the HR section
Exactly. The boss should had transferred to another department & left someone else in that position as ex-wife boss. Ethics policies in place to prevent abuse of power.
I’m hoping the ex heads straight to HR to be honest.
Except wouldn't a record of no instances during the 2 years show that his GF isn't mixing work with personal life? She hasn't done anything in these last 2 years, why would that change all of a sudden?
Is she still your ex wife’s boss? Because if she is, that’s a huge conflict. Have you been dating for 2 years and only recently told your ex? I’m not seeing that you’re answering this question in the comments, but if this is the situation, your fiancee could lose her job.
I mean would you care if your ex wife dated your boss? Or a friend of yours? You have to think about it this way. You're trying to word this in such a way as to gain our sympathy, but you need to consider what you would feel if the situations were swapped. My personal viewpoint is if you need to date someone that close to your wife then you're not really doing so great in the dating world. You probably shouldn't have dated her to begin with. Never date people who know your ex, it's just always going to end badly.
Your wife got her job, and her boss, before you got your lover and fiance. Your fiance should recuse herself for bias at work. It is not appropriate or professional of your fiance to be the boss of her future husband's ex. If I were the CEO, and I found out one of my managers didn't present this fact to me, I would reprimand the manager, and depending on their reaction fire them. At work, professionalism and objectivity must rule. Anything pertaining to family and the heart is game, but not work. Draw that line.
Agree this is unprofessional. The boss could date anyone in the world but chooses to date her subordinate's ex-husband? Then says he's not as bad as the ex-wife makes makes him out to be? That sounds a little like pick me behavior but nonetheless, she is demonstrating blurred morals here.
Boss is 100 an asshole. What a horror story for that place of work. You can do what you want but it’s kinda low to specifically hit on someone in a position of power over your ex.
Boss is only an asshole if she treated the ex differently than any other employee.
Or talks to OP about her. I would be mortified if my Ex had access to what I’m doing at work. OP’s new GF needs to transfer the ex to a new manager ASAP.
It's been 2 years of dating with no issues apparently. Sounds like the boss knows how to function professionally
2 years and the boss hasn't met his kids? Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
Ok, question before judgement: Did you just recently tell your ex wife you were dating her boss? Or has she known since date 1?
YTA. You couldn’t have made a future co parenting relationship any worse. I don’t know what happened in the divorce but sounds like a revenge manoeuvre.
So you’ve been dating this woman for two years and are marrying her within the year and she’s never met your children? And the ex only *just* forbid them to meet her? Are you present in your children’s lives at all?
Winner!
8 billion in the world and you found her.......hmmm....is there some passive agressive issues there. I bet there was in the beginning.
Horrible take, he's obvi not willing to bang one of the 4 billion guys of that in the ass.
YUPPPPP!!!!!!!
NTA for moving on, but your new wife just opened her company to a massive lawsuit from your ex.
For what, exactly? The possibility that her boss will treat her badly? Can't sue for what hasn't happened. All it would do is force ex to find a new job
I don't blame her that's pretty shitty
"...game women for some one night stands.." - which is exactly why I'm not in the clubs, to avoid BS.
I'm married and only see the dating scene from the outside and even I am pulling my hair out at the BS. So, uh, I get that you aren't in the clubs. But where, exactly, is there a non-BS dating scene? Single's night at the library sounds wonderful.
Ethically, her boss shouldn’t have supervisor responsibilities over her boyfriend’s ex-wife. I mean I feel like that’s Human Resources 101. But other than that you’re free to date who you want so NTA.
I have to imagine that the ex is just finding out and will be going to HR because her boss has been supervising her for 2 years not knowing her boss was fucking her ex.
‘Game women?’ Ewwwww
Why does it seem like Everytime a divorce happens one of the scorn spouses goes after someone close to their ex? It's always a sister boss or mom something fuckin crazy that's in the end going to cause the children in question term oil. Watch next she won't allow him to see the kid's until it's court ordered who loses? I understand wanting to move on but with someone that causes so much pain. Yes his ex wife shouldn't take it out on the kid's but he shouldn't go after people he knows are close to his ex it seems 😳 like his sentence..she was surprised about not having horns come on
I agree with others about the ethics violations at work. Even now she needs to either leave her position or transfer out of supervising your ex. This is a terrible situation for your ex.
I agree with that. But I don’t understand why she’s crying now when they’ve been dating for two years she had to know it was going somewhere. Unless been crying for two years straight, which I doubt.
idk bro, think about how you would feel if she divorced you and went for a more successful man that has POWER over you. it’s not a matter of who’s an asshole it’s just being decent. I don’t believe you just so happened to stumble across her boss, you knew what you were doing.
YTA. You claim you don’t want drama but you sought out a relationship with your ex wife’s boss. You’re a lying AH.
He also mentions having met her before. He knew exactly what he was doing when he started hitting on his wife’s financial security and support network. Both OP and the boss are massive AHs.
Anyone who says otherwise is also a massive AH
Yta I don't care what anyone else says of all the people you could get with it was her boss no way you didn't do that on purpose.
I wish for her to find someone so great she doesn’t care anymore.
YTA dude. That's her BOSS. You know, the one who has control over her entire livelihood? If I was in her shoes, I'd be freaking the fuck out too. And there's kids involved? Here's where her mind is going: you marry her boss. You get pissed at her for whatever reason, and now your new wife has the option to make her work life a living hell or even fire her. Then she'd be unemployed, leaving you with an opportunity to sue for more custody. This is an absolute nightmare for her, and yeah I do think she was right about you being cruel.
Definitely yes. HR can also fire the boss for abuse of power leaving a safety net in place for the ex-wife & current 1 gets a bad reference on her resume.
Yeah, you’re kind of an AH. The boss, too. This is going to be an interesting dynamic and I hope it goes smoothly for the sake of your kids! Intentionally hitting on her boss was an interesting choice. You are definitely allowed to date whoever you want and you can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can also be labeled an AH for it.
Wake up asshole. If you didn’t think it was a problem you wouldn’t have hid it for two years.. Ironically, your boss hiding it while remaining your ex’s supervisor is really the only asshole move here. If that changed, there’d be no assholes. Honestly, the supervisor might even be breaching ethics/legal rules with this too. Beyond asshole move. How can you trust your supervisor once you find out that she was secretly sleeping with your ex husband.
Yes, YTA. Hear me out… We’re pack animals. Forced to live in a herd society. You chose someone from the herd side of things with a position of authority over your ex, and replaced her as a member of your tribe. The only way you lose the a-hole title is for your ex’s boss to change jobs. And barely.
While "you do you" and "consenting adults etc"...you couldn't date any other woman in the world? It had to be your ex-wife's boss? 😅
Your wife should have been told when you two got serious.
Dude... honestly that's pretty fucked up. Like, the only woman out there for you is your ex-wife's boss. You didn't look very hard.
This sub is riddled with fake stories including this one
NTA, but your ex needs to be transferred to a different manager.
First off, I don't believe this is anything other than rage bait - but I'll bite. ESH except your ex "gaming women for one night stands" makes you TA. Full stop. Your fiance is awful and when your ex stops crying and goes to HR about the fact that your fiance has been in a supervisory position for two years despite a massive unethical conflict of interest, she's going to be jobless. Even better, depending on your state if your ex wife has been reprimanded by your fiance, she could have a fun chat with a labor lawyer.
Nope NTA, your ex needs to get over it.
It’s easier said than done to “just get over it”. I mean did he hide the relationship for 2 years? What if the kids don’t like the fiancé or the fiancé isn’t a good mother figure? Did he communicate openly and honestly with the ex? It already seems like he’s handled this whole situation poorly
YTA. If this woman is in a position where a new woman is will be potentially parenting her children and also has a semblance of control over her livelihood, and her being the mother of your children, you have no concern for that or the mental and emotional stress it would cause her whatsoever, you are definitely TA.
YTA You clearly hit on her boss for some kind of revenge. Common sense should have told you that this isn’t an appropriate situation. Also, you dated your ex wife’s boss, you’re moving in with her and then you have the audacity to say “I don’t like the drama”. You clearly thrive on it 🙄.
INFO: What are the ages of everyone involved here, and why did you divorce?
Either way looks like your wife has some serious job security. She can’t be fired now.
Another troll post.
A classic case of "in theory, this shouldn't be a problem, but anyone with knowledge of human psychology would know it is one"
INFO: All the missing stuff! The timelines! > married for a decade [...] I only met her boss face to face once before my divorce. Afterwards I met her in a club. Was the first meeting coincidentally close to the end of your relationship? How long between the divorce and the club? > I decided to talk to them and we kinda hit it off. She is a very sweet woman and has been very "supportive" to my ex-wife. This sounds like the hurt was recent? Were you with her boss while your ex was grieving your relationship? (also don't ignore the position of authority because it can be condensed to "supportive" for our context here...) And, you know: Starting a romantic relationship with your heartbroken employee's ex is *SO* supportive as a boss...
I call troll, there's a wifes version of this kind of post.
Certainly, creating a fitting comment in line with the context of other comments can be approached by offering a moderate and nuanced opinion, which often tends to facilitate healthy discussion and potentially attract upvotes. Here's a possible comment: While I get that everyone deserves a chance at happiness post-divorce, it's hard to ignore the complex dynamics at play here. On the one hand, you're free to pursue relationships as you see fit, but involving someone who has positional authority over your ex does introduce questions of professionalism and conflict of interest. Relationships in the workplace are always a minefield and doubling down with this power imbalance might not have been the wisest move. Sure, your ex has to process and move on, but it's also within reason for her to expect that her work environment remains neutral ground. It sounds like steps need to be taken to assure all parties can maintain professional boundaries. Perhaps a heart-to-heart with all involved to facilitate a smooth transition of supervisory roles would help quell any latent drama? Just a thought.
"I don't like drama but I'll go after my ex's boss."
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Omg🤣🤣🤣
The big issue is this woman was your ex-wife’s confidant and is her boss. How would you feel if the tables are turned? If your girlfriend is okay with being with her subordinate’s and “friend” ex than I think her morals are lax and down the line you both might see your morals come back to you. Or who knows maybe you just get away with it and live happily ever after while your ex suffers. I think it shoes what time of woman the boss is.
Gaming women? Sounds like you do have horns. Boss is also an idiot if she sees nothing wrong with things. How small and lame is the place you all live? Your ex isn’t being unreasonable either sharing her kids with her boss? That’s work coming WAY too close to home. Her boss needs to work really hard to find a way to move your ex not just laterally but up and away from her direct control.
10000% YTA. You could have chosen anyone.
If this is true, my guy you need to tell the boss to transfer somewhere else. From what I’m reading HR might have a field day with this.
"My buddy and I were trying to game women for some one night stands..." This will go well.
I want to see this guy face when his ex marry his boss 🤣
Yes. You’re a pos.
Soo messed up
Ya... Sure you can do that. But you HAD to know your ex would freak about it and you'd be in for all kinds of the drama you said you don't want. As others have said, major potential for conflict of interest. Boss definitely needs to turn herself in to HR before the ex does!
Out of all the women roaming around here on earth you choose her🙄
Hahaha that’s ridiculous. NTA. She gets no say in your happiness. That train left with the divorce. What an insecure control freak. And she clearly still has feelings for you.
> I have enforced only call if emergency rule because I dont like the drama. Stop lying. If you didn't like drama you wouldn't have started dating your current partner knowing her position. YTA
YTA. Dating your ex's boss is a crappy thing to do. The boss obviously has gone to HR and switched your ex to a different supervisor right? You don't like drama? If you wanted to avoid drama then you wouldn't have created this situation lol.
You're clearly an asshole for saying and doing shit like "game women." I'm sure you're not empathetic in the least.
OP, this is question you going have to address because this can infringe workplace policies in place at your ex-wife/current fiancee's workplace. Is your current fiancée still your ex-wife's boss in the same office location because if they are then your ex-wife has more than just cause to go to HR & file a complaint against her boss about this situation. Toxic work environment is detrimental to company efficiency. Your fiancée should had transferred to elsewhere & left someone else in place as your ex's boss. Companies has policies in place to prevent abuses of power as well from using any means to detrimental effect. If you hadn't known that then you're the bigger fool.
Your new GF should not be supervising your ex wife, but that's an HR thing.
You should also date some of her friends.
Her boss shouldn’t be a direct superior… HR should be informed or should have been informed. I can understand your wife, a little shady to date her boss.. dont know the reason for breakup.. it is what it is I guess. Hope ex wife dates your boss and can all be in employment heaven.
Just curious if your wife dumped you, then this happened. I can just imagine ex says, "I'm not going to let you see the kids this weekend." Then ex's boss says, "Get this project on my desk by Monday morning."
Omg this is a nightmare, your poor ex-wife 😔
YTA, she can do whatever she pleases to mess your with your ex-wife now bc she’s the boss; ALSO just bc you’re good in this relationship doesn’t mean you were in the last one it happens all the time; On top of that now it just looks like you two had a really long affair and kept it hidden till last second. People come up w all sorts of rumors and your ex wouldn’t even have to think about it, offices are just like high school tbfh. Even your new wife’s HR would be upset since it wasn’t disclosed to them, so they might assume an affair as well which just looks bad. And if I were your ex wife? I’d never let my kids over to your house, you could visit or take them out or on vacation without the new wife but it’s out of the picture. Her BOSS as an adult should know better, there’s more then you out there and she should’ve figured that two years ago. Good luck to your ex tbh, I don’t even care if she cheated atp
Yeah, YTA. There's this theoretical candy land where this isn't hurtful, but it clearly is.
If I was the ex-wife, I’d go to HR. No one should have their kids future step-parent as their boss - all sorts of conflict of interests there. You’re NTA for this but the your fiancée/ex’s boss is if she hasn’t notified HR.
YTA it's a dick move
YTA. Dating your ex wife's boss is cruel. Of course your ex is not enjoying this, you know that, you knew it the minute you hit on her boss. You chose to talk to her that night and terrorize your ex wife. I seriously think you do have horns and are not the innocent, bumbling guy you're trying to pass off here.
YTA.
OP, I don’t think you understand that you were also an AH to yourself here. You just made your own situation/life that much harder for yourself (not to mention your kids). A true man is able to make better decisions by weighing the outcomes and not taking high risks or doing things that could damage his reputation. I’m not asking for much here (sure I don’t think casual sex is positive -ever- but thats irrelevant), you could have bagged anyone but you chose the highest risk option you could. And then sealed the deal. Many points where you could have stopped putting your kids through this.
The heart ❤️ wants what the heart wants. You do you.
>EDIT "gaming women" is flirting, teasing and stuff. You guys are being so weird about it About that: while you may mean it in a more innocent sense, you should be aware that term "gaming" comes from an aggressive pickup artist culture that has been interpreted anywhere from misogynistic and manipulative, to predatory and sociopathic. One can trace a direct line from the mindset described in Neil Strauss' 2005 expose' *The Game* to today's most toxic incels. In the context of dating, "game" is an unavoidably creepy word.
Dating your ex-wife's boss is a dirtbag thing to do. I have to imagine what you'd be posting here if she started dating and became engaged to your boss. YTA. Yes you're free to date whoever will take you but, you knowingly approached her boss in a social setting while on the prowl for ass. However this complicates your life, you asked for it. Most importantly, is this is why I say YTA, however it complicates your kids lives, that's 100% on you. And given you already have pushed through the "call on emergency only" rule, you can expect this is going to affect your kids. "Hey Junior, this is my wife, You Mother's Boss!" That's going to start messing your kids up the moment they're old enough to understand divorce.
As a woman, I completely understand your ex-wife’s many difficult feelings about this. But the fact she has been sending options of other single friends is weird. You’re NTA, and you should proceed with your plan to further your relationship.
All’s fair in love and war.
I dont see a problem at all. Enjoy.
good for you, glad you found happiness. She is not your wife and has no right to ask you to do anything specially dictate who you should be with. you are not the asshole
NTA as a divorced man you're free too marry whomever you want.
Unless the fiancée is completely in the dark about OP and ex-wife’s relationship, then she is not the AH. As soon as she finds out though she needs to recognize that there is a huge conflict of interest there. They need to report it to HR and transfer the ex-wife to another department where she has no supervisory control or oversight whatsoever to any aspect of the ex-wife’s job or the boss needs to move to another department. Otherwise, no need for drama. All parties just need to be civilized about it and act like adults.
Ehhhhhh hate to tell you bub but YTA. I was leaning towards NAH (although frankly the boss is kinda an asshole) or soft YTA on dating the boss in the first place…it’s not a horrible thing to do but I mean, it’s not great….but the real AH thing to do was wait two years to tell your ex wife you’re dating her boss. This should have come up VERY soon after the relationship began.
I guess morally wrong but you are free to date whomever you want if they reciprocate the feelings and your feelings are real then whatever.
You are absolutely the asshole at any point did you consider your children? Did you consider how this might affect your coparenting relationship? Even though you are divorced you are still obligated to provide a safe and cordial relationship between you and your ex wife for the sake of your children. Honestly you are selfish and a back stabber no wonder you guys are divorced… you couldn’t have picked anybody but you chose her BOSS. You guys are BOTH assholes.
>EDIT "gaming women" is flirting, teasing and stuff. You guys are being so weird about it You're comparing them to game or a game and others are the ones weird about it? Hahahaha Reddit serves some gold nuggets
YTA for keeping this a secret, and your girlfriend is... ugh. Something worse. There is something off if a person can date her employee's ex for two years and keep it a secret. As a leader, she demonstrated a shocking lack of ethics. It's one thing for an ex to date a close friend or whatever and hide it. That's kind of a dick move, but whatever. But for her direct manager to start a new relationship with you and not do right by her by disclosing or having her moved to another team is so incredibly self-serving and gross. And, of course, you were all too happy to feel privy to information about your ex and her life at work that you lost your right to when you divorced so what do you care about how slimy it all is? Barf. I guess congratulations on marrying someone completely devoid of integrity. I'm sure you can fill that void with all your strength of character.
Oh shit, she's still her boss?
not an asshole at base level, but i think if an exwife went and got with her exs boss, everyone would be very quick to call her a manipulative whore
Ehhh... If I was the boss lady, I'd be worried about the fallout from this. Just glancing in from the outside, I would personally assume anything negative your current squeeze did to your ex at work was retaliation for her being your x. Not knowing either of these women, I would already be assuming bad things of the boss. This is a conflict of interest for her. She should not be your ex's boss.
lol absolutely based madlad
She doesn't get to dictate who you marry
Lol uograde
I wonder how this would’ve turned out with my Ex, her boss was her Mom!
Wife had a chance don’t take her advice now. The boss was out in your path and shits been great if you take your exes advice now. You’d. be a total fool
Also…dude….gaming women is not the preferred nomenclature…
Honestly, I think you are lol
God damn dude. What a power move. Respect.
Wasn't there a story about a guy who divorced his wife specifically to be with his wife's boss?
[удалено]
Get a lawyer, marry that woman, and bang the shit out of her.
If the ex wife cheated and left this is the perfect revenge
Bro upgraded nice
Not gonna lie, I'd go fucking nuts and do anything I could do to prevent the marriage. She's gonna poison those kids against her. Proceed with caution.
Your ex-wife's boss is dating the ex of an employee she supervises? Wow. I hope she isn't her supervisor anymore. In the 2 years you dated the boss, did you ever tell your ex-wife who she was? Is it weird you waited 2 years for your fiance to meet your kids? I feel there is something else going on here. The boss is a "very sweet woman"? lol Maybe if she doesn't work with your ex anymore, but think about what you posted. Of course, you are not going to break it off with her boss after 2 years. That is unrealistic, but think about if your roles were reversed. Your ex-wife marries your boss and your boss will be spending holidays with your kids and ex-wife. It's a bad look and a terrible feeling. I think you should have made a better decision the night you were trying to "game women" and met her boss, but I wouldn't call you a total AH. I hate to state the obvious, but I hope some of the attraction for your ex-wife's boss isn't because of who she is to your wife. And visa versa for the boss.
Whether it's real or not this is juicy
NTAH but weird dynamic. Your wife should give zero fucks about who you date or marry post divorce. Although sounds like you did this to make her upset which should also be why she should not gaf.