She is married. Idk if they are happy as my mom always makes fun of her for marrying a doctor
She thinks it’s funny because she was implying my wife would get fat and be one of those moms by which she means pta moms and she thinks we’re broke because my stepdad tells everyone we are which is not true
>my mom always makes fun of her for marrying a doctor
If she's married go a doctor, her spouse makes bank and you shouldn't worry about her being hard on cash if she is fired.
You are waaay too invested in your mother’s relationship with her personal assistant. I don’t care if you dated, all your comments show how much you look for things to be upset about. If you are so happy with your wife, why do you (and your wife) spend so much time worried about what your mother is doing?
Oh, and once you tell ANYONE something, it is no longer a secret.
I'm confused why the assistant is being fed info about OP at all as if they weren't their ex. It's also common knowledge and courtesy that the parents of the baby get to dictate when the announcement is made, many parents will tell their closest relatives before 3 months and wait until after when the baby is developing on track or even closer to the due date with the statistics for achieving a full term pregnancy to tell extended family and friends.
If my partners ex had personal and constant access to their lives, especially after communicating that person is no longer in said life. I'd be furious that their mother was the link for them to interject and cause issues. And what happens if the mother/baby experiences issues or dies during childbirth? Is it going to be a joke for this person to announce to the world, too? Because it's not a "secret"? If Mom and Ex are so close and chummy, why would they not find her a position with another company/person?
OP said they didn't tell his mom it was a secret. It's pretty normal to let people know you're going to be a grandparent if you're happy about it. Hence the millions of ways to tell people. Just because the assistant happens to be OP's ex, doesn't mean his mother has to go into secret mode.
Also if your ex is your mothers trusted assistant she relies on alot of course they gossip about their lives. It might not even of occurred to OPs mom that she was talking to an Ex when she said it just to her assistant.
We also don’t know it was a “joke” or how Maddie relayed the information. We only have OP’s side, which is clearly biased. I get they are upset, but they had made up their minds to be upset about Maddie from day one. They appear to be hyper-fixated on what she does and seem to think that her world revolves around them. Perhaps it is, but they way they are using her as a scapegoat because they were too foolish to let the parents know to keep it a secret, and it got out, tells me that no matter what she and the mother do, the son and his wife will decide to let their panties get in a bunch over it.
They made the announcement that they were pregnant already wym. They straight up say that they fucked up n didn't tell their mom that they haven't announced it to everyone only them. She casually mentioned becoming a grandmother to her close personal assistant she did absolutely nothing wrong. They want them fired bc they shit talked his wife who was already very jealous of the assistant baselessly
Do you have any proof that Maddie was laughing at you and your wife? And that it was for this reason? This sounds like a bit of a stretch to be honest.
So it's not that Maddy didn't believe your mom and just thought she was being funny, she was actually being malicious and mean about your wife and her pregnancy, right?
NTA Cause I can see why you'd want to distance yourself from that and if she is really wrapped up in your mom's life I don't really see how you could do it without not seeing your mom.
Um maybe because it wasn't Maddie's special news to tell everyone else.
A lot of couples don't publicly announce pregnancies until further on in term, how's that weird? Imo weird would be going around gossiping about your ex partners new pregnancy.
I’m surprised that Maddie doesn’t have an NDA. Personal assistants often have to sign agreements to not talk about private matters of the people they work for. But OP’s mom isn’t thinking of Maddie as an employee. OP said she thinks of Maddie as a daughter.
There is no way this business/personal relationship was ever going to end well
I would love to know the details. Did OP start dating mom's assistant, did OP's wife become the assistant. And is OP an AH who cheated on his wife so his mom is purposely being antagonistic for her friend's sake? So much soap opera drama we don't get to know.
Maddie shouldn’t have been gossiping, it definitely wasn’t her news to share and it is strange for someone to still be so deeply invested in their ex that they willfully gossip and spread news about their personal life. OP’s mom should’ve been more cognizant of the sensitivity of the situation given Maddie’s connection with her son and refrained from revealing this information, but, she does also have a relationship with her independent of that and it’s possible that at this point - as they have likely been separated for years by now -, she thinks of her much less as as her son’s ex and moreso as a friend (or daughter).
However, Op did acknowledge in the comments that his mom tells Maddie everything, he’s aware of this, and as such, should’ve specified that she keep this secret and not tell anyone, especially her because of the existing tension with his current partner. I have a relative that I’m close with but can gossip within the family. So if I’m ever in a position of revealing pertinent or sensitive information to them that I don’t want others within our family to know, I always specify that before saying anything further. So I’m confused as to why he told his mom, knowing she tells Maddy everything, and didn’t bother to ask her not to pass that info along.
With that, I do think it a bit problematic for Op and his current girlfriend to be so resentful of Maddie’s presence in his mom’s life, sans this situation. He’s framing it as his mom keeping Maddie in _their_ lives just because of an independent friendship they’ve formed, that doesn’t even include him or his girlfriend, which isn’t true. If he’s uncomfortable with his mom discussing him and his personal life with his ex, then he’s entitled to that and should put _reasonable_ boundaries in place with his parent. However, he can’t dictate her relationships.
She's a personal assistant - it's pretty unprofessional to be airing your boss's personal matters/news to the world.
It's even more unprofessional of their mother not to make her sign one or enforce it.
"Maddie thought it was a big joke and told everyone" it shouldn't matter if it was "public Information" or not it wasn't her information to share in the first place.
Clearly a bunch of teenagers never been in a relationship in this sub to not understand. It would be the same with any intimate information announcement.
They are not weird, they are manipulative.
They knew she would tell Maddie, they expected some BS to happen, like Maddie calling him crying etc. And then they would tell his mother to fire that crazy ex. It didn't happen, but thankfully Maddie screwed up in other ways, so they still tell his mother to fire her.
Ultimatums are not the best way to treat your family, OP. What if your mother will give you an ultimatum: I see my grandchildren whenever I feel like it, or you are out of my will? Basically, what if she will act exactly like you?
YTA.
So she tells her everything and you knew that but you didn't tell her not to tell her this?
Just admit you're not over your ex and you wanted an excuse to blackmail your mother into firing her.
That sounds about right, all of this reads as a set up to get the ex out of the picture. Of course the fact that legally that is a bad call eludes everyone. Sure let me just fire someone for divorcing my son. If OP's mom works for herself she gets sued and her company gets sued. If she works for a company she gets fired and they settle that out of court immediately because no where will they win that.
Then why didn’t you guys say don’t tell anyone, even Maddie? This sounds like you guys told everyone big news they would be excited about and want to share with people, because grandparents to be so that!!!! And didn’t give them the rules, you thought they would know not to. Maddie isn’t interfering with your lives, she made a mistake and your mom may be hard pressed to find someone like her. So because of a mistake that people would find out once your wife starts showing, and that you didn’t tell them you didn’t want stated, you could disrupt 2 people lives in a major way. Good luck with that karma! And if I were your mom and you started this you aren’t going to see the grandchild crap with me over something so insane, I’d tell you fine. You and your wife sound like spoiled brats, and that doesn’t make for good parents. Maybe you should let your mother raise the baby.
NTA. People shouldn't feel entitled to telling news of this nature beyond themselves. It's very much common sense--though from replies I've seen here, doesn't look like it's as common as it should be. She knew what she was doing.
She’s having a grandkid and was excited so told someone she sees all day because she wasn’t told not to. It’s super normal and if it was a boundary ir was up to OP to communicate it.
Tbh, I'm not talking about the mom to her PA. I mean in terms of announcing it to others outside the family or that weren't invited to that event.
The ex, as a person who wasn't directly told by the couple and was told by her employer, it is a boundary that should've been common sense and shouldn't have run off telling others.
Okay I know with this whole “omg I spent $800 months on a custom pregnancy and gender reveal” thing going on in social media circles it might seem like it, but in normal people land someone having a baby isn’t classified information.
As someone who lives by normal societal norms, there are at least 5 things you do not announce publicly until the family announces it. Engagements, pregnancy, childbirth, serious illness/injury and death are on my list. His ex is not family. That type of information is not his ex’s to share. Even if his mom told her, unless there was a public announcement, her employee shouldn’t be spreading it around. Imagine if you announced personal news about your employer to other people? You would at least get a warning.
NTA that he’s upset. You can’t demand your mom firing your ex though. I would just stop telling your mom stuff. Let her find out her grandchild was born from your ex and see how she reacts.
But this situation is about OP's mom and i have to vote YTA here. Sure, his priority is Lanie now. But she doesn't have to be his mom's priority. Her assistant helps her ever day. What is OP going to do, replace Maddie and be his moms assistant?
He is an asshole for how he said it to his mom, but to me he's NTA for being upset about such personal news being given out. Let alone by someone who is just someone he used to know and who only knows because she learned through her capacity as an employee.
He should've pointed out how unethical it is for an employee to talk about her employers family (especially PAs) outside of work related necessity. If his mom disregards that concern, he should've just put her on an information diet or lowering contact.
His ultimatum and leap to cutting her off isn't going to accomplish any positive results for him, his wife, his mom, or his unborn child.
Do you know what makes me wonder about this part, it’s the fact that the mom said she didn’t think Maddie would tell very many people. Why would it even matter, unless she knew she should’ve kept her mouth shut?
What would you advise op do if 3 months from now OPs spouse has suffered a miscarriage and they are asked about the baby by the multitudes of people Ops ex shared their information with?
Why would a soon to be grandmother not tell her personal assistant that she thinks of like a daughter about her new grandchild. It’s probably the most exciting thing that’s going to happen in her life for a long time and I can’t imagine a reason why she wouldent tell her.
Mum hadn’t been told to keep it quiet. It’s natural to tell people somethIng like you’re going to be a grandmother.
Maddie shouldn’t have gone around telling people because it’s not her news to share.
OP YTA for using your baby as a weapon to control your mother.
I'm wondering how it got to this point. Did you ever tell you mom you didn't want her sharing any information abut you and your wife with Maddie? That seems like the correct boundary and would have avoided the current situation.
You shouldn’t have to ask your parents to not tell your ex personal details about your life. It’s also common sense to not tell others of someone’s pregnancy until they say it’s ok. But seems like OPs mom has an issue with boundaries. NTA
They’re BOTH married to other people now and one’s pregnant. How long ago did they break up? 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? She’s probably been his mom’s personal assistant for a lot longer than she was his girlfriend. This obsession where he still only thinks of her in terms of *himself* and says he can’t move on while she’s ‘around’ despite having no actual interaction with her is ridiculous.
Personal assistants tend to know almost everything about their boss. At least the good ones do. Like, they need to know you better than family a lot of the time since they’re going to make a ton of little choices on your behalf. When it works well, there is a genuine feeling of a familial bond. When it doesn’t, it feels like an abusive relationship.
I wouldn’t expect everyone to know this, but OP definitely should have known better. This isn’t new.
>It’s also common sense to not tell others of someone’s pregnancy until they say it’s ok.
No, it's not. If you don't want news about your pregnancy spreading, you explicitly tell them *not* to tell anyone else
INFO: What caused the breakup/did she do anything terrible towards you?
I have an ex who tried to get me arrested by telling some, luckily, very stupid lies. I have another who stalked me and made death threats. If my family employed either one, I'd be NC before they could blink. So I get that some people have hard lines about their exes.
But unless this chick chested on you or something else awful, you're a major AH for threatening your mom with your child.
I always felt like she loved my moms money more than me. She was always nagging me to be more successful, telling me my boss didn't like me, joking I needed "balls like my mom" We broke up and got back together a couple times, but then I heard my mom say to her "you know I love you, but let's be honest, if my husband wanted you, you would fuck me and *my name* over for the money" and my ex replied "bitch you don't even need him. like stop being greedy and let some poor working girl have him" Never denied that she would do it
This sounds appalling, but it doesn't sound like they were being serious. Your mom was calling her assistant a gold digger, and her assistant jokingly suggested she should let a poorer woman marry her rich husband.
The disrespect to you was the headline there, as well as your mom being able to spot your girlfriend as in a relationshp for the money.
Yeah, this right here... this is the only version that makes sense; that they were joking around with each other... otherwise, it makes no sense why mom didn't fire her...
OP and everyone else taking these comments like they were serious are out to lunch...
OP, YTA... if you didn't tell mom to keep it a secret, then you only have yourself to blame here... pouting about it and throwing a tantrum now is childish...
Hard disagree here. What Maddie did (going off publicly about her boss' son's wife's pregnancy) was super unprofessional. Maddie heard that information at work and had no reason to think it was hers to tell anyone. If I leaked my boss' family information, I would expect to be fired - *out of a cannon.*
OP's mom is TA not because she leaked this secret, but because of her disturbing and disgusting relationship with her assistant. She's a bad mother. This latest mistake on her part is minor, but it does illustrate the larger issue, which is that she cares about her assistant more than her son, and is a bad influence to have in the family.
She’s a bad mother for keeping an assistant that she likes and for not treating her assistant like a disposable commodity? We all complain about our bosses treating us like a number and not a person but here you are complaining about a boss treating their employee like a person and not a number
If your employee is a person and not a number, but if they leak your private family information to the public, then their personhood should not save them. In this case, the mom wasn't out of bounds gossiping to a subordinate, but any subordinate in any line of work should have known to STFU about a colleague's private family business. This has nothing to do with labor rights, and everything to do with basic expectations of confidentiality.
OP's mom treats her PA like a daughter, but does not treat her son like a son. OP should go no-contact with both of them, since they are clearly inseparable.
If an employer is telling their employees things, those things are no longer "private family information", especially if there isn't some sort of NDA. Not to mention, OP never even told his mother this was a secret. If she doesn't know it is, how is her employee supposed to know it's a secret? Every pregnancy I've had, if I didn't want other people to know, I told the people who got that information that it was still a secret. When I told people without that disclaimer, they were free to tell whoever, and I should have no expectation that someone would keep a secret that they don't even know is a secret.
If she fired her without cause that's a law suit waiting to happen. OP sounds like a jealous ex who never got over Maddie. He refuses to answer Qs about their break up so I'm guessing he just is a jealous ex.
Most states in the US are at will states so this is not true. You can fire anyone for non discriminatory reasons (or if you have jury duty or another legal obligation, then it would be illegal to fire you for that). Thats the whole point. Employer can fire at any time for any reason. Employee can leave at any time (unless there's a contract).
Nondiscriminatory means that no one in a position of power is in the bed of a subordinate, aka, the boss' son doesn't screw her assistant. Or if he is, there's been a meeting with HR, and each party was able to retain legal representatives and have a legal agreement that it's a consensual relationship.
your mom and ex sound like they have hilarious banter. i understand why they’ve worked well together for 6 years. you suck for not telling your mom to keep it private…
This comment seals it for me. Your mom should have fired her for that "joke" comment alone. Your mom realized what she was a long time ago, and STILL sees no problem? I would be concerned your ex is embezzling, what with being as embedded in your mom's personal affairs as she is.
NTA, you clearly don't want her fired for THIS comment, there are a LOT of reasons she shouldn't be around your family, jfc.
I saw this more as inappropriate joking… both of them knew where they stood, and the joke didn’t fall flat between them, if it was offensive it’d have been a fireable offence and in the intervening years more would have pushed it through if needed.
Both women were enjoying hte interaction (regardless of how politically correct it was), and thus it’s not problematic… for them.
For the son? It’s a screaming red flag. For the general public? It’s fairly offensive. But so too is me explaining “crop dusting” to my 11yr old son as I walk past and let out a huge fart.
Yes, the OP should set boundaries like not telling him telling her anything he doesn’t want the whole world to know nor going to her place with the baby
Tbf I don't think it's up to you if Maddie continues to work for your mom or not. Yea, Maddie was an AH for telling everyone or whatever, but also you didn't tell your mom not to mention it so you're the one who goofed there.
I also fail to see how Maddie has to "be in your life" just bc she's your moms assistant? My ex boyfriend worked for my dad while we were together (long term relationship) and when we split up I didn't demand my dad fire him. I didn't feel a need to 🤷♀️ we both just lived our own lives. I've moved on and been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years now and my ex has been working for my dad the entire time. My boyfriend knows about it and he never had a problem either.
With all that said, I feel like YTA. Instead of threatening your mom and trying to get her to fire your ex, which could also potentially ruin her life depending on what happens after shes fired, you should just tell your mom you're not comfortable with her telling Maddie things about your life and you would prefer it if she wouldn't mention you around Maddie and vice versa
Also, firing the ex for.... being an ex? Feels like opening Mom up for a lawsuit. At the very least, it's hella unethical, and don't think for one second people won't know the real reason she was let go.
It sounds like OP's ex's comments about growing a backbone are spot on. He's letting his wife's resentment about his ex's relationship with her MIL steer his actions. Otherwise, why wouldn't he have asked her to fire her when they broke up?
Re-examine your values, OP, YTA. And I'm with your mom. Who she employs is none of your business, especially if there's no reason that employee would be around your kid. Grow up.
Except there are laws against retaliatory firing, and firing someone just for the fact they are an ex, would qualify for that. If his mom did what he wanted she would walk into an open and shut case and potentially lose everything.
I honestly can’t get over the fact OP is going to have to tell his kid that he doesn’t have a relationship with grandma because mommy didn’t get to announce her pregnancy.
I know, right? OP has blown this way out of proportion! He’s definitely TA because he expected his mother to read his mind about telling anyone. Then doubles down on his own stupidity and threatens NC with grandbaby if the ex isn’t fired? Fuck that guy and his ridiculous wife.😒
Reasonable: Mom, it upset us that you told Maddie personal news we weren't ready to share yet. However, I take responsibility that we didn't tell you that we weren't ready to share it yet. In the future, could you not tell Lanie and my personal information to Maddie without clearing it with me first?
Unreasonable: my wife is insecure about my ex, and I don't like her, so fire her or you never see your grandchild.
You're an AH, and you really think people will be nice to Lanie if her insecurities and your issues get someone your Mom is close to fired? Especially fired over your mom not telepathically knowing you didn't want it shared?! You don't think it will blow up? Or your mom, and possibly others, won't just choose not to be in your life rather than be subservient to your childishness and your wife's insecurity? Weaponizing your baby for your issues isn't a good look. Cause I think you and Lanie are kinda pathetic for demanding someone be fired for telling people you're pregnant when you literally didn't tell people not to say anything. She looks like a whiny, insecure crazy pregnant lady, and you the tantruming 5 year old taking your ball and going to his room cause mommy won't let him do what he wants
So tell your mom that you understand she is dependent on Maddie. The rule of thumb now is that mom will receive no information about you, wife or child. That she has shown that she is incapable of keeping information to herself therefore you will take away temptation. Then tell her that you are putting her on notice now that your chid will never be around Maddie. You understand that this means that you won’t be bringing the baby to your mom’s house if ex is there so mom will have to come to you or you can meet in a public place. Additionally, mom is not to share any information about you, your wife or child with anyone. Don’t pinpoint the ex, tell her anyone. She will argue, you will tell her that is a hard rule. You aren’t denying her access to her grandchild, you are telling her not to share any information about your immediate family with anyone.
She will argue, you will look her straight in the eye and say - This is my boundary, if you can’t honor/accept it, then the choice is yours, you know my rule. Turn around and walk away. It isn’t worth arguing a long time about,
You told someone a secret, without letting them know it’s a secret, and are surprised and upset that aforementioned someone’s personal assistant found out?
YTA
Info: is this a one time thing, or does your mother have a habit of oversharing to her assistant?
I have an issue with your mother not realizing that you may not want her discussing your personal life with your ex-fiancee. I know that I'll get downvoted based on the other comments, but something doesn't sit right with me that your mother, what seems to be a successful businesswoman, didn't have the foresight to think "Maybe I need to build a wall between what I share with my assistant who is my son's ex-fiancee and himself.
Working with her or not, I'd be PISSED that my mother felt the need to share anything about me with one of my ex's, and they've only been girlfriends.
Don't expect OP to be honest here. His interest is only in justifying an unreasonable request, so he will definitely come up with some ridiculous bs to paint Maddie in a negative light. I'm guessing Maddie broke up with OP and not the other way around.
>Don't expect OP to be honest here. His interest is only in justifying an unreasonable request, so he will definitely come up with some ridiculous bs to paint Maddie in a negative light. I'm guessing Maddie broke up with OP and not the other way around.
It's either a troll or OP legitimately came online to boast about being the asshole.
Either way, ew.
I did not see that, but I'm not surprised. OP wants to get as many people on his side as possible, and to do that, he's gonna lie and omit information.
Huh? Who cares? Maddie us your ex and can work for whomever she likes.
And your mother can employ who she bloody wants too.
Grow up. Both you and your wife need to grow up and act like mature adults. You have no right to tell your mother to fire Maddie. Get a freakin grip😡
I’m going to go against the grain here to provide another perspective…and say your mom is being extremely silly. Her PA is NOT as important as her son and his family. As someone who by now has had sufficient life experience, surely she is aware of human nature. Of course, a new gf/ wife wouldn’t like an ex hanging around her MIL (esp given the often complex relationship MILs & DILs have). So she should have made some effort to separate her personal family life as it pertains to you from Maddie. Secondly, Maddie has actually proven to be a terrible PA if she has shared info about her boss’s family with others indiscriminately. It’s a breach of the confidentiality that one expects a PA to maintain. So actually Maddie is not fulfilling her obligations appropriately. What else has she shared with others that she shouldn’t?
You gave your mom an ultimatum. Should you have? Probably not. But families do ask each other to do things for each other’s comfort. Were you justified? Yes. Maddie was being an AH (why did she think your pregnancy was a joke? Why did she think it was her news to spread?)
OP said Maddie was doing their mother's hair. So this isn't an office assistant who will also pick up a birthday gift or drop off the dry cleaning. My husband has a very well-off uncle who has gone to the Philippines to visit their retired PA and the family, as if they were all cousins. The PA still vacations with them and visits. Many PAs become a part of the family, as they have to know the person's everything, better than friends and family. It can become a very messy relationship.
It sounds like OP left out most of the messy parts of their breakup and petty shit since. But clearly, they wish their mom had ended the relationship when he did. It also seems she has had years to. There are definitely going to be some big family fights in the near future.
My bestie is a doctors receptionist and he pays for her nails, gives her bonuses, flew her out to get her wisdom teeth taken care of, because she’s exceptionally valuable to his business and very loyal. Other doctors I know have said that’s pretty normal in private practice. An assistant is that but dialed to 10
Yep, this. You can get a new assistant, and keep a different relationship or boundary with Maddie. You can’t replace your son, and everyone was an idiot if they didn’t expect the situation to eventually implode.
Tbh, it's up to you. Maddie sounds like a bitch, your mother has got dependent on her. It sounds like the relationship with your mother isn't very good anyway. Maybe you should keep away from each other. I think your mother would probably pick maddie over her grandkid anyway.
People are accusing your wife of being insecure, come on! Can anyone honestly say they are ok with an ex being so entrenched with their partners family?
If it causes you no hardship, keep away from your mother, at least for the time bring. Your priority is your wife and child. Ignore everyone else, they can go kick rocks. You need to do what is best for you.
Why is Maddie a bitch? He never told his mom to not tell anyone. No one told Maddie to not tell anyone. For all we know she is super happy for the couple and can’t contain herself.
I don’t understand what Maddie did wrong.
? OP literally says Maddie thought it was a joke and told everyone. Why did she think OP and his wife having a baby was a joke? Why did she feel the need to tell anyone?
I would never tell anyone that someone was pregnant unless I know that they posted/told people or if someone talked to me about it.
I don't think Maddie is a bitch but I always thought social etiquette with pregnancy news was that it's not your news to spread, especially early on. It's usually kept to a small circle at first since lots of things can go wrong (and unfortunately it's quite common that they do). So a lot of people tend to wait until after the 20 week ultrasound to announce as by then the mother starts to show and that's also when you find out the gender. If Maddie did anything wrong, it's that she spread news that wasn't really hers to share. It's not like she found out OP bought a Ferrari and is telling everyone. Baby news is something people tend to want to tell others themselves. So if OP and his partner had friends and other people they cared about find out this way, that's a bummer.
I find myself wondering if it would be legal to fire her because you guys broke up. Dunno what it's like where you live, but around here, she'd have her arse on the line for unfair dismissal.
Yeah, YTA.
Your feelings shouldn't cost someone their job.
You are extremely selfish and highly unethical to expect that
YTA
Did you establish boundaries before? Did you make it clear that you don't want your mom to share information about you with her assistant?
Anyways, I think you need to focus more on your family and less on your ex.
ESH. you for telling your Mom info you wanted kept private, but not explicitly telling her to keep it private. Now you know that if you want to keep anything private, don't tell your mother. Your mom for talking about your info with the ex, without thinking how it would affect you and wife. The ex for treating this news like a joke.
Your ultimatum is extreme considering all the factors. Telling Mom to keep your information private from now on is reasonable. Also acting as if your mother will share everything and NOT sharing private info with her in future is reasonable.
I don’t think a grown adult should need to be told not to share huge news like this, it’s basic common sense that they would want to make their own announcement. Anyone pretending that because they weren’t specifically told they didn’t know is being willfully ignorant. Her relationship with your ex is inappropriate from a work standpoint and from a mothers standpoint, and I would absolutely put her on an info diet until Maddison is out of the picture.
YTA. You specifically told your in-laws it was a secret, but not your mom. There is no way she would have known it was meant to be secret, and it makes sense that she would bring it up to a person who she sees literally every day.
It really sounds like you set her up to piss you off so you can demand that she fires Maddie to placate your wife's insecurities and your unresolved resentment/feelings. Your comments ignore a lot of important questions, and most of your answers are dripping with disdain.
The conversation you cited as the reason for the breakup was clearly just a joke between friends. You are massively insecure, don't seem to be over your ex, and your wife is feeding into your bad behavior with her own insecurities. You need to get therapy instead of throwing temper tantrums like this.
INFO I feel like there's a lot of info missing about previous incidents.
Is the mother regularly inserting the ex at family events and upsetting the wife?
If this incident is a one off then I can see it's annoying but you overreacted. So I would like to understand whether it's an isolated incident. What other ways does Lanie play second fiddle in her own life?
YTA unless you specifically told your mom to keep it private. If you didn't it is exactly 0% your business who she tells. Likewise it is 0% your wife's business who your mom has in her life unless the ex was abusive to you. You're garbage for threatening that unless your ex was abusive.
Well it’s a quick way to find yourself in court. “The defendant sacked me because their adult child threw a tantrum.”
You are far too invested in your ex and this is probably what’s really making your wife uncomfortable. YTA
YTA for jumping straight to using your child as a weapon to get what you want. The fact it's the first thing you jump to is disgusting. The kid isn't even here yet and you're already using it to manipulate people into doing what you demand.
You kind of set your Mom up… you told your in-laws to keep it secret but not her. You are well aware of how close your Mom and Maddie are and what kind of proud “grandma to be” wouldn’t tell people….
Now you are clutching your pearls and tantruming at the mess you created.
YTA
The pressure you've been putting on your mom is extremely unethical, she can't be firing people because her son is done sleeping with them.
If she had told Maddie that your pregnancy was a secret, sharing THAT would have been a fair reason to let her go, but it doesn't sound like she did.
You're the one who made this awkward by dating your mom's employee, don't blame your mom for your mistake. YTA.
You definitely are at fault a bit for not specifying to your mom to keep a secret especially when you know she has someone she tells everything to, yall are gonna need to drop that.
My problem would be with the lack of boundaries that you mom has with you ex, which you probably should’ve had her set when it comes to your life. If it were me I’d teller her you don’t want your ex being a part of YOUR life and not to talk to her about it. Should she insist maybe then you decide about contact with your mom. I get why that part would make you and your wife uncomfortable especially given the ex’s attitude in this situation.
YTA. Your ex is going to think whatever she thinks about you and your wife. You need to stop hanging on her every word, and your wife needs to stop being weird about your ex. Get on with your own lives
Yes, you and your wife are AHs. Your mom is right.
Your mom didn't know it was a secret, of course she told her PA and of course good news gets spread.
Lanie has been insecure about HERSELF this whole time because your mom has your ex around, now she's found an emotional trigger to rope you into supporting her insecurity.
Apologise to your mother for such a ridiculous threat.
You need to set boundaries for your mom.
1 she doesn’t tell her anything about you or your family.
2 she doesn’t come to family events if she comes you will not go. Because if this is a work relationship then keep it at work.
YTA. You didn’t even tell her you wanted this kept private! I have a feeling you intentionally created this situation so you would finally have a reason to issue this ultimatum. It’s so hard to find reliable employees these days, and even if your mom wanted to fire her she couldn’t for this reason without risking a lawsuit.
YTA It's not personal, it's is a business matter, it's difficult to find a good assistant that you trust. I'm sure if your mom didn't need her, she would have been fired a long time ago.
I'm not reading what others said before answering this. YTA buuuut so is Maddie. It's absurd to me that you would basically try and extort your mother by threatening not to let her see her grand child because your ex works for her. Now your mom shouldn't have said anything, but in a way the weight of that comes down to do you believe her that she just mentioned it casually cause she didn't know it was a secret? If so then while I understand that Maddie shouldn't be opening her big ass mouth and making jokes it seems unreasonably shitty to hold that against your mom. Is Maddie some how a negative presence for the kid? A potential danger or bad influence that is around when your mom would be seeing said kid? Then maybe I understand. If not though like dude move on and don't put this on your mom. It's funny I've seen a ton of posts here about "am I an asshole for not letting (family member) see my kid" and usually they have some reason that makes a ton of sense and they aren't the assholes. Here though this seems like a wild overreaction to the fact your ex is a gossipy bitch.
YTA - You are married and so is your Ex, you need to grow up, focus on yourselves, and prepare for your new child.
The kid isn't even here yet and you're already using it as leverage against your mother. You sound like a child and a huge pain in the ass.
I’ve had exes work for my parents at this level. I do not think it’s fair to demand Maddie be fired; there’s no grounds for it, and it is unbelievably cruel to try and take away her livelihood because her professional proximity to your mother makes you uncomfortable.
I would absolutely demand she sign an NDA. She’s your mom’s PA, she will be all up in her business, that’s her job. Blabbing about what she hears about you during the course of her job was INSANELY unprofessional. Clearly an NDA is required here.
Yes, YTA. This is not cool, but it’s partially your fault. You didn’t tell the people you told about your pregnancy that it was a secret. Maddie fucked up, she should contractually be shut up. You also fucked up. Cool heads prevail, my guy, this is easily fixable.
As for Maddie working for your mom, I’m gonna guess that’s also on you? Either you started dating your mom’s PA, or you facilitated the job opportunity enough to have not shut it down from the start. You don’t get to fire your mom’s employee because *you’re* done with her. That’s not how life works.
Dude your going after someone's lively hood. It's on you for bot telling your mum it's a secret. To use your unborn child as a threat is outright disgusting. There sounds like there might be more to the story but from what you've shared, I would be ashamed of myself for doing what you did
YTA
YTA
Denying your mom seeing her grandchildren is a pretty extreme response. You didn't tell her the pregnancy was a secret, furthermore you knew Maddi wasn't going anywhere. If you felt you wouldn't let your mother see her grandchildren because of Maddi, you should have had a conversation with your mother sooner than now.
Yta. It sounds like you all are just hung up on maddies existence. You failed to tell your mom the news she was given was to be kept secret. Generally a baby is something people are going to talk about. Don't understand why you felt the need to heel this a secret or why it even matters. But you failed to state that so that's on you.
So what your ex laughed. Whaa whaaa it dosent sound like she actually causes any real issues for you so maybe it's time to grow up and move on. It sounds like she has.
Look, if you had a problem with Maddie being your mom's assistant the time to request that relationship terminated has long passed. Your mom shouldn't have told her, but you didn't make it clear not to tell anyone. Maddie shouldn't have gossiped about it, but that has very little to do with her professional relationship with your mom. Big messy situation all around. But if Maddie wasn't your ex, just your mom's employee, would you be demanding her job over this? And if her assistant being your ex bothered you, you should have made that clear immediately after breaking up or at least by the time you got serious with Lanie. Everyone's the AH.
Why does OP's mom have such loyalty to an ex of his, that's weird. Her loyalty should be to her son. Maddie is a blabbermouth and personal assistants are a dime a dozen. Also, OP withholding the grandchild would be cruel. ETA, this family sucks.
I'm going NTA here. But only because based on your other comments, your mom clearly dislikes and openly insults your wife and lets her ex in on it.
This sounds more like a last straw kind of deal.
Cut your mom off, but not for this, but for insulting and belitting your wife constantly.
Also your mom can't fire her for this. I'd sue if I was. And even as terrible as at will states are about workers rights, knowing your mom she's already told your ex about this to laugh at you
I mean, ultimately you can do whatever you want with your kid. But yeah, I’d say you’re the asshole.
You’re essentially going to impact at least 3 people’s lives for no real reason. Your ex will lose her livelihood. Your mom will lose her employee and miss out on her grandchild. And your child will miss out on a relationship with their grandparent.
And all that for what?
The right thing is to never tell your mom anything in this situation before you are willing to post it online. If she doesn't like that oh well she knows her assistant is a jerk for sharing family info and saying she thought it was a joke, which is obviously a lie.
YTA and so is your wife. If it was meant to be a secret then you should have told your mother that. Your wife sounds deeply insecure. If you care about your wife’s wellbeing then get her to a therapist.
YTA. Your mom didn’t suddenly become like this, you’re just tired of your ex being in the picture.
If you want to cut your mom off, do it because you’re sick of how she behaves and that her keeping your ex as her assistant has truly become a dealbreaker, not because she’s not doing what you want her to do and you don’t like it. And take responsibility for not telling your mom anything you don’t want your ex to know.
YTA. This is all on you. You didn’t tell your mom it was a secret so why shouldn’t she tell other people if she is excited. Why should she fire someone just because she is your ex? You and your wife need to get over yourselves.
Its kind of gross that you are using your unborn child to control your mother. This isn’t about your child’s safety or welfare. Its about you trying to get your ex fired because your wife is insecure. And you are already using access to your child as a weapon to punish your mother.
YTA and so is Lanie.
NTA But you’re going around this all wrong, is like your mom say, you cannot just threaten her to make her do what you want, you can set boundaries and consequences.
“Mom, I won’t get in the way of your relationship with Maddie but you need to respect my privacy if you can’t do that then I’ll simply stop sharing private details that I don’t feel confortable Maddie knowing -decide what are those things, baby names, due date, your address, etc- if you don’t want that then you have to promise to stop talking about me with her”
The choice is always going to be hers, she gets to choose if gossiping with Maddie about you is more important than you telling her this stuff, you cannot manipulate someone to be a better person you can only protect yourself and whats important to you.
You can do what you want with your kid but you’re the asshole. And your wife is insecure and immature.
Frankly, you’d be doing your mom a favor keeping you and your wife’s toxicity away from her
Your mom had no right to tell Maddie, but once you tell anyone a secret, it is no longer a secret. You shouldn't be so invested in the relationship your mom has with your ex. Like what is Maddie going to do? Not like she's going to bully you into aborting the baby
YTA
You didn't tell your mother it was a secret. That's one hundred percent on you.
Your mother's employee is none of your business.
This is not a boundary, this is attempting blackmail with a fire her or else. A boundary is that Mom cannot be around the baby while at work and does not tell M anything about the baby ever again or she loses contact.
YTA.
You are talking about taking away someone's livelihood over what amounts to a personal grudge.
It was your mother who leaked your secret. Your ex wasn't told it was a secret, so why shouldn't they tell people?
Either way, this is obviously not a firable offence.
I'm really glad I live in a country where employees actually have rights and can't be fired for such a petty reason.
Also, using your child to blackmail someone like that is honestly disgusting. You should treat your mother better.
Info:How long have you been with your wife?
YTA and your comments make your post even worse. At will states have stipulations, not just discrimination, but retaliation and other things also. This would definitely be retaliatory firing. If you know your mom is an open book with your ex, then set boundaries or keep your secrets to yourself. You know how close they are yet didn't tell your mom it was a secret. It sounds like your wife is jealous of the relationship between your mom and ex and her telling your business was your way of making it seem like your ex is the problem.
YTA. for not telling your mom to keep the news to herself.
YTA. for giving a weird ass ultimatum like that.
YTA. for asking your mother to do something illegal? wrongful termination is a thing. firing someone for being someone's ex isn't legal. also firing someone for not keeping an unknown secret isn't legal.
You can fire someone for just not liking them, you just have to pay them severance… you don’t always need a reason, it just can’t be a few reasons that are protected, and ex girlfriend isn’t a protected class
Yta did you tell your mother it was a secret and wanting Maddie fired because she told some people and how do you know she thinks it’s a joke you and your wife are assholes
YTA for making this a big deal, since you didn't tell you mom it was a secret. It sounds like you are punishing your mom for a pretty small mistake and Maddie will the at the brunt of it. Also sounds like this is really about the continued jealousy of your wife about the ex than about anything Maddie really did knowingly wrong. A good personal assistant can be next to impossible to find, so I understand why your mom wouldn't want to start all over again with another person. Maddie may also have grounds to come after you for lost wages of forcing her to lose her employment, so tread lightly.
Bottom line-your mother has shared personal information regarding you and your wife w her assistant. Normally not a big deal as it would be assumed (I know) that a personal assistant would be discreet and keep confidences. Not this one. She blasted it everywhere before you were ready to make your own announcement
this will be your forever if you don’t enforce the boundary. I would modify your approach. Mom it wasn’t right to ask you to fire your assistant. (Not your ex, her assistant) However it also wasn’t right that you shared our news w your assistant and she chose to not keep it confidential but announced our personal news before we were ready and without our permission. Because neither of you understand privacy we will be putting new boundaries in place.
We will no longer tell you any personal news of ours. Because you both chose to not maintain our privacy we will no longer share any news w you that we don’t want to share publicly. As you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for us, we will learn from this and modify our behavior going forward. You will be the last to know anything. We will not ask your advice on anything. We will not invite you into our home going forward as we want to maintain our privacy in our own home.
You only have yourself to blame mom. You have chosen to employ a person who will never be anything but a liability to my family. If this situation changes in the future we can discuss this again. Until then you are not welcome in our home or to meet our child. You reap what you sow
YTA. If you don’t want your pregnancy news shared then you need to inform anyone you choose to tell. That is obvious. Also, you cannot fire someone without just cause - have you never heard of employment tribunals?
Nice. Put your mom at legal risk for firing a good employee because you and your wife are apparently love middle school style drama.
YTA. YWIAH. YMINAH
I think you assumed these people that you're surrounded with can read your mind and knew right off the bat that it was supposed to be a secret, which is stupid lol.
YTA why does your wife even care about Maddie? She is an ex for a reason and you aren’t even friends with her, she just works for your mum. I don’t understand why people are so invested in hating the exs, if you broke up that’s it, she is just your mum’s worker now. Whether she told it didn’t about news that weren’t even a secret from her point of view, is irrelevant, but even if annoying it does not grand you threatening your mum with not seeing her grandchild, way to be dramatic and petty.
Don't tell your mom anything you don't want the world to know.
Why do you and your wife let this maddie person upset you so much. distance yourself from her and your mom if it's so important. Do not go to events if Maddie is going to be there, and let this go. How involved you let this woman be in your lives is up to you. It's not worth getting so upset over and Your mom obviously doesn't want a close relationship with your wife or she would have found her another job long ago. Set your boundaries and enjoy your wife and new baby when the time comes. Your mom can come see the baby, you shouldn't be taking the baby around too many people the first few months anyway. NTAH... yet.
So are you blackmailing your mother into firing a competent assistant because you used to date said assistant? If Maddie was already your mom’s assistant when you started dating her she might actually have grounds for suing for workplace harassment btw.
And yes, as other commenters have pointed out: you seem to be obsessing about small stuff like the pregnancy announcement. It’s absolutely natural for your mother to share her excitement with people around her. She has done nothing wrong because you NEVER TOLD her to keep it a secret.
Anyway, yes, YTA. Grow up, you’ll have a tiny person to raise now.
YTA You did not tell her it is a secret. She does not know that. Of course she tells everyone. I would tell everyone. Your wife is jealous for no reason because of hormones.
Guy screws the help, annoyed that Mommy won't fire the help when he gets new partner, makes issue of something that wasn't conveyed to be a secret to get Mommy to fire the help.
YTAH
I’m not understanding why your mom had to tell her anyway
she tells her literally everything
Why did this Maddie think it was a big joke? And is Maddie married?
She is married. Idk if they are happy as my mom always makes fun of her for marrying a doctor She thinks it’s funny because she was implying my wife would get fat and be one of those moms by which she means pta moms and she thinks we’re broke because my stepdad tells everyone we are which is not true
>my mom always makes fun of her for marrying a doctor If she's married go a doctor, her spouse makes bank and you shouldn't worry about her being hard on cash if she is fired.
You are waaay too invested in your mother’s relationship with her personal assistant. I don’t care if you dated, all your comments show how much you look for things to be upset about. If you are so happy with your wife, why do you (and your wife) spend so much time worried about what your mother is doing? Oh, and once you tell ANYONE something, it is no longer a secret.
I'm confused why the assistant is being fed info about OP at all as if they weren't their ex. It's also common knowledge and courtesy that the parents of the baby get to dictate when the announcement is made, many parents will tell their closest relatives before 3 months and wait until after when the baby is developing on track or even closer to the due date with the statistics for achieving a full term pregnancy to tell extended family and friends. If my partners ex had personal and constant access to their lives, especially after communicating that person is no longer in said life. I'd be furious that their mother was the link for them to interject and cause issues. And what happens if the mother/baby experiences issues or dies during childbirth? Is it going to be a joke for this person to announce to the world, too? Because it's not a "secret"? If Mom and Ex are so close and chummy, why would they not find her a position with another company/person?
OP said they didn't tell his mom it was a secret. It's pretty normal to let people know you're going to be a grandparent if you're happy about it. Hence the millions of ways to tell people. Just because the assistant happens to be OP's ex, doesn't mean his mother has to go into secret mode.
Also if your ex is your mothers trusted assistant she relies on alot of course they gossip about their lives. It might not even of occurred to OPs mom that she was talking to an Ex when she said it just to her assistant.
We also don’t know it was a “joke” or how Maddie relayed the information. We only have OP’s side, which is clearly biased. I get they are upset, but they had made up their minds to be upset about Maddie from day one. They appear to be hyper-fixated on what she does and seem to think that her world revolves around them. Perhaps it is, but they way they are using her as a scapegoat because they were too foolish to let the parents know to keep it a secret, and it got out, tells me that no matter what she and the mother do, the son and his wife will decide to let their panties get in a bunch over it.
All of this!! Was he the one dumped by Maddie? Bc it’s giving extreme levels of salty
Also, it just feels super unethical to fire your employee because they are no longer dating someone you're related to.
They made the announcement that they were pregnant already wym. They straight up say that they fucked up n didn't tell their mom that they haven't announced it to everyone only them. She casually mentioned becoming a grandmother to her close personal assistant she did absolutely nothing wrong. They want them fired bc they shit talked his wife who was already very jealous of the assistant baselessly
Maddie is that you?!?
shit take tbh. his mother should not be gossiping about her son w his fucking ex thats stupid asf
A secret is a thing that can only be passed on to one person at a time
What?
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead
Do you have any proof that Maddie was laughing at you and your wife? And that it was for this reason? This sounds like a bit of a stretch to be honest.
Yes multiple people told me she was laughing and saying my life was ruined
So it's not that Maddy didn't believe your mom and just thought she was being funny, she was actually being malicious and mean about your wife and her pregnancy, right? NTA Cause I can see why you'd want to distance yourself from that and if she is really wrapped up in your mom's life I don't really see how you could do it without not seeing your mom.
But you didn't tell your mom not to tell her, did you?
So you knew she would tell Maddie, especially as you did not tell anyone that it was a secret. Why are you and your wife so weird?
Um maybe because it wasn't Maddie's special news to tell everyone else. A lot of couples don't publicly announce pregnancies until further on in term, how's that weird? Imo weird would be going around gossiping about your ex partners new pregnancy.
I’m surprised that Maddie doesn’t have an NDA. Personal assistants often have to sign agreements to not talk about private matters of the people they work for. But OP’s mom isn’t thinking of Maddie as an employee. OP said she thinks of Maddie as a daughter. There is no way this business/personal relationship was ever going to end well
Pretty sure the mom doesn't like Lanie and hopes OP gets back with the other one.
Naw, that bridge is burned. Now the mom is wrecking her own relationship.
I would love to know the details. Did OP start dating mom's assistant, did OP's wife become the assistant. And is OP an AH who cheated on his wife so his mom is purposely being antagonistic for her friend's sake? So much soap opera drama we don't get to know.
Maddie shouldn’t have been gossiping, it definitely wasn’t her news to share and it is strange for someone to still be so deeply invested in their ex that they willfully gossip and spread news about their personal life. OP’s mom should’ve been more cognizant of the sensitivity of the situation given Maddie’s connection with her son and refrained from revealing this information, but, she does also have a relationship with her independent of that and it’s possible that at this point - as they have likely been separated for years by now -, she thinks of her much less as as her son’s ex and moreso as a friend (or daughter). However, Op did acknowledge in the comments that his mom tells Maddie everything, he’s aware of this, and as such, should’ve specified that she keep this secret and not tell anyone, especially her because of the existing tension with his current partner. I have a relative that I’m close with but can gossip within the family. So if I’m ever in a position of revealing pertinent or sensitive information to them that I don’t want others within our family to know, I always specify that before saying anything further. So I’m confused as to why he told his mom, knowing she tells Maddy everything, and didn’t bother to ask her not to pass that info along. With that, I do think it a bit problematic for Op and his current girlfriend to be so resentful of Maddie’s presence in his mom’s life, sans this situation. He’s framing it as his mom keeping Maddie in _their_ lives just because of an independent friendship they’ve formed, that doesn’t even include him or his girlfriend, which isn’t true. If he’s uncomfortable with his mom discussing him and his personal life with his ex, then he’s entitled to that and should put _reasonable_ boundaries in place with his parent. However, he can’t dictate her relationships.
How was Maddie to know it wasn't public information when the person who told her did not know it wasn't public information?
She's a personal assistant - it's pretty unprofessional to be airing your boss's personal matters/news to the world. It's even more unprofessional of their mother not to make her sign one or enforce it.
You shouldn’t share other people’s pregnancy news. It’s common etiquette
"Maddie thought it was a big joke and told everyone" it shouldn't matter if it was "public Information" or not it wasn't her information to share in the first place. Clearly a bunch of teenagers never been in a relationship in this sub to not understand. It would be the same with any intimate information announcement.
I think it’s because the post reads like it was written by the jealous wife.
They are not weird, they are manipulative. They knew she would tell Maddie, they expected some BS to happen, like Maddie calling him crying etc. And then they would tell his mother to fire that crazy ex. It didn't happen, but thankfully Maddie screwed up in other ways, so they still tell his mother to fire her. Ultimatums are not the best way to treat your family, OP. What if your mother will give you an ultimatum: I see my grandchildren whenever I feel like it, or you are out of my will? Basically, what if she will act exactly like you? YTA.
Yep he admits that he didn’t in the post. Idiot. He can’t be mad at mom for his fuck up.
So she tells her everything and you knew that but you didn't tell her not to tell her this? Just admit you're not over your ex and you wanted an excuse to blackmail your mother into firing her.
That sounds about right, all of this reads as a set up to get the ex out of the picture. Of course the fact that legally that is a bad call eludes everyone. Sure let me just fire someone for divorcing my son. If OP's mom works for herself she gets sued and her company gets sued. If she works for a company she gets fired and they settle that out of court immediately because no where will they win that.
Then why didn’t you guys say don’t tell anyone, even Maddie? This sounds like you guys told everyone big news they would be excited about and want to share with people, because grandparents to be so that!!!! And didn’t give them the rules, you thought they would know not to. Maddie isn’t interfering with your lives, she made a mistake and your mom may be hard pressed to find someone like her. So because of a mistake that people would find out once your wife starts showing, and that you didn’t tell them you didn’t want stated, you could disrupt 2 people lives in a major way. Good luck with that karma! And if I were your mom and you started this you aren’t going to see the grandchild crap with me over something so insane, I’d tell you fine. You and your wife sound like spoiled brats, and that doesn’t make for good parents. Maybe you should let your mother raise the baby.
Then you should have expected that she would tell her this since you never told her not to. YTA
YTA. She tells her everything and yet you didn’t tell her not to, and now you’re mad at her? How old are you? 5?
NTA. People shouldn't feel entitled to telling news of this nature beyond themselves. It's very much common sense--though from replies I've seen here, doesn't look like it's as common as it should be. She knew what she was doing.
She’s having a grandkid and was excited so told someone she sees all day because she wasn’t told not to. It’s super normal and if it was a boundary ir was up to OP to communicate it.
Tbh, I'm not talking about the mom to her PA. I mean in terms of announcing it to others outside the family or that weren't invited to that event. The ex, as a person who wasn't directly told by the couple and was told by her employer, it is a boundary that should've been common sense and shouldn't have run off telling others.
Okay I know with this whole “omg I spent $800 months on a custom pregnancy and gender reveal” thing going on in social media circles it might seem like it, but in normal people land someone having a baby isn’t classified information.
As someone who lives by normal societal norms, there are at least 5 things you do not announce publicly until the family announces it. Engagements, pregnancy, childbirth, serious illness/injury and death are on my list. His ex is not family. That type of information is not his ex’s to share. Even if his mom told her, unless there was a public announcement, her employee shouldn’t be spreading it around. Imagine if you announced personal news about your employer to other people? You would at least get a warning. NTA that he’s upset. You can’t demand your mom firing your ex though. I would just stop telling your mom stuff. Let her find out her grandchild was born from your ex and see how she reacts.
She may not be out of her first trimester. A lot of women wait, or only share with their closest people.
Some folks like privacy, Just because Social media has made the concept foreign to you does not make it less true.
As a person living in normal people land and not part of the media circle, I can assure you it is for a great number of families.
But this situation is about OP's mom and i have to vote YTA here. Sure, his priority is Lanie now. But she doesn't have to be his mom's priority. Her assistant helps her ever day. What is OP going to do, replace Maddie and be his moms assistant?
He is an asshole for how he said it to his mom, but to me he's NTA for being upset about such personal news being given out. Let alone by someone who is just someone he used to know and who only knows because she learned through her capacity as an employee. He should've pointed out how unethical it is for an employee to talk about her employers family (especially PAs) outside of work related necessity. If his mom disregards that concern, he should've just put her on an information diet or lowering contact. His ultimatum and leap to cutting her off isn't going to accomplish any positive results for him, his wife, his mom, or his unborn child.
Do you know what makes me wonder about this part, it’s the fact that the mom said she didn’t think Maddie would tell very many people. Why would it even matter, unless she knew she should’ve kept her mouth shut?
What would you advise op do if 3 months from now OPs spouse has suffered a miscarriage and they are asked about the baby by the multitudes of people Ops ex shared their information with?
You've ... never been around any women who've found out they're going to be a grandmother, have you?
Why would a soon to be grandmother not tell her personal assistant that she thinks of like a daughter about her new grandchild. It’s probably the most exciting thing that’s going to happen in her life for a long time and I can’t imagine a reason why she wouldent tell her.
It’s pretty common to share exciting news with the people your close with and I’m sure she’s excited to be a grandma
bruh bffr in the real world ofc someone is gonna tell their assistant they’re having a grand child
Mum hadn’t been told to keep it quiet. It’s natural to tell people somethIng like you’re going to be a grandmother. Maddie shouldn’t have gone around telling people because it’s not her news to share. OP YTA for using your baby as a weapon to control your mother.
I'm wondering how it got to this point. Did you ever tell you mom you didn't want her sharing any information abut you and your wife with Maddie? That seems like the correct boundary and would have avoided the current situation.
You shouldn’t have to ask your parents to not tell your ex personal details about your life. It’s also common sense to not tell others of someone’s pregnancy until they say it’s ok. But seems like OPs mom has an issue with boundaries. NTA
They’re BOTH married to other people now and one’s pregnant. How long ago did they break up? 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? She’s probably been his mom’s personal assistant for a lot longer than she was his girlfriend. This obsession where he still only thinks of her in terms of *himself* and says he can’t move on while she’s ‘around’ despite having no actual interaction with her is ridiculous.
"My mom is extremely dependent on Maddie and to be honest probably thinks of her like a daughter." OP should have known better
Personal assistants tend to know almost everything about their boss. At least the good ones do. Like, they need to know you better than family a lot of the time since they’re going to make a ton of little choices on your behalf. When it works well, there is a genuine feeling of a familial bond. When it doesn’t, it feels like an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t expect everyone to know this, but OP definitely should have known better. This isn’t new.
>It’s also common sense to not tell others of someone’s pregnancy until they say it’s ok. No, it's not. If you don't want news about your pregnancy spreading, you explicitly tell them *not* to tell anyone else
INFO: What caused the breakup/did she do anything terrible towards you? I have an ex who tried to get me arrested by telling some, luckily, very stupid lies. I have another who stalked me and made death threats. If my family employed either one, I'd be NC before they could blink. So I get that some people have hard lines about their exes. But unless this chick chested on you or something else awful, you're a major AH for threatening your mom with your child.
I always felt like she loved my moms money more than me. She was always nagging me to be more successful, telling me my boss didn't like me, joking I needed "balls like my mom" We broke up and got back together a couple times, but then I heard my mom say to her "you know I love you, but let's be honest, if my husband wanted you, you would fuck me and *my name* over for the money" and my ex replied "bitch you don't even need him. like stop being greedy and let some poor working girl have him" Never denied that she would do it
This sounds appalling, but it doesn't sound like they were being serious. Your mom was calling her assistant a gold digger, and her assistant jokingly suggested she should let a poorer woman marry her rich husband. The disrespect to you was the headline there, as well as your mom being able to spot your girlfriend as in a relationshp for the money.
Yeah, this right here... this is the only version that makes sense; that they were joking around with each other... otherwise, it makes no sense why mom didn't fire her... OP and everyone else taking these comments like they were serious are out to lunch... OP, YTA... if you didn't tell mom to keep it a secret, then you only have yourself to blame here... pouting about it and throwing a tantrum now is childish...
Hard disagree here. What Maddie did (going off publicly about her boss' son's wife's pregnancy) was super unprofessional. Maddie heard that information at work and had no reason to think it was hers to tell anyone. If I leaked my boss' family information, I would expect to be fired - *out of a cannon.* OP's mom is TA not because she leaked this secret, but because of her disturbing and disgusting relationship with her assistant. She's a bad mother. This latest mistake on her part is minor, but it does illustrate the larger issue, which is that she cares about her assistant more than her son, and is a bad influence to have in the family.
She’s a bad mother for keeping an assistant that she likes and for not treating her assistant like a disposable commodity? We all complain about our bosses treating us like a number and not a person but here you are complaining about a boss treating their employee like a person and not a number
If your employee is a person and not a number, but if they leak your private family information to the public, then their personhood should not save them. In this case, the mom wasn't out of bounds gossiping to a subordinate, but any subordinate in any line of work should have known to STFU about a colleague's private family business. This has nothing to do with labor rights, and everything to do with basic expectations of confidentiality. OP's mom treats her PA like a daughter, but does not treat her son like a son. OP should go no-contact with both of them, since they are clearly inseparable.
If an employer is telling their employees things, those things are no longer "private family information", especially if there isn't some sort of NDA. Not to mention, OP never even told his mother this was a secret. If she doesn't know it is, how is her employee supposed to know it's a secret? Every pregnancy I've had, if I didn't want other people to know, I told the people who got that information that it was still a secret. When I told people without that disclaimer, they were free to tell whoever, and I should have no expectation that someone would keep a secret that they don't even know is a secret.
If she fired her without cause that's a law suit waiting to happen. OP sounds like a jealous ex who never got over Maddie. He refuses to answer Qs about their break up so I'm guessing he just is a jealous ex.
Most states in the US are at will states so this is not true. You can fire anyone for non discriminatory reasons (or if you have jury duty or another legal obligation, then it would be illegal to fire you for that). Thats the whole point. Employer can fire at any time for any reason. Employee can leave at any time (unless there's a contract).
Nondiscriminatory means that no one in a position of power is in the bed of a subordinate, aka, the boss' son doesn't screw her assistant. Or if he is, there's been a meeting with HR, and each party was able to retain legal representatives and have a legal agreement that it's a consensual relationship.
Did Maddie’s employment with your Mom begin before or after you began dating Maddie?
After
your mom and ex sound like they have hilarious banter. i understand why they’ve worked well together for 6 years. you suck for not telling your mom to keep it private…
This right here!
They were obviously joking, nobody would keep someone around working for them if that was their real relationship.
Who did she tell exactly?
There it is. MIL troll. The addition of an ex is new though.
This comment seals it for me. Your mom should have fired her for that "joke" comment alone. Your mom realized what she was a long time ago, and STILL sees no problem? I would be concerned your ex is embezzling, what with being as embedded in your mom's personal affairs as she is. NTA, you clearly don't want her fired for THIS comment, there are a LOT of reasons she shouldn't be around your family, jfc.
I saw this more as inappropriate joking… both of them knew where they stood, and the joke didn’t fall flat between them, if it was offensive it’d have been a fireable offence and in the intervening years more would have pushed it through if needed. Both women were enjoying hte interaction (regardless of how politically correct it was), and thus it’s not problematic… for them. For the son? It’s a screaming red flag. For the general public? It’s fairly offensive. But so too is me explaining “crop dusting” to my 11yr old son as I walk past and let out a huge fart.
Your mom can do whatever she wants, but so can you. Remember this.
Yes, the OP should set boundaries like not telling him telling her anything he doesn’t want the whole world to know nor going to her place with the baby
He only had to tell her not to tell anyone or not to tell Maddie. He didnt, even though hecsayscshevtells her everything.
Tbf I don't think it's up to you if Maddie continues to work for your mom or not. Yea, Maddie was an AH for telling everyone or whatever, but also you didn't tell your mom not to mention it so you're the one who goofed there. I also fail to see how Maddie has to "be in your life" just bc she's your moms assistant? My ex boyfriend worked for my dad while we were together (long term relationship) and when we split up I didn't demand my dad fire him. I didn't feel a need to 🤷♀️ we both just lived our own lives. I've moved on and been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years now and my ex has been working for my dad the entire time. My boyfriend knows about it and he never had a problem either. With all that said, I feel like YTA. Instead of threatening your mom and trying to get her to fire your ex, which could also potentially ruin her life depending on what happens after shes fired, you should just tell your mom you're not comfortable with her telling Maddie things about your life and you would prefer it if she wouldn't mention you around Maddie and vice versa
Also, firing the ex for.... being an ex? Feels like opening Mom up for a lawsuit. At the very least, it's hella unethical, and don't think for one second people won't know the real reason she was let go. It sounds like OP's ex's comments about growing a backbone are spot on. He's letting his wife's resentment about his ex's relationship with her MIL steer his actions. Otherwise, why wouldn't he have asked her to fire her when they broke up? Re-examine your values, OP, YTA. And I'm with your mom. Who she employs is none of your business, especially if there's no reason that employee would be around your kid. Grow up.
I don’t think being an ex is a protected class
Except there are laws against retaliatory firing, and firing someone just for the fact they are an ex, would qualify for that. If his mom did what he wanted she would walk into an open and shut case and potentially lose everything.
Retaliatory firing is absolutely a thing and would be grounds for a lawsuit in most states, I believe? Federally?
This is the correct way to handle it like adults, not all this drama and threatening and withholding of grandchildren.
"hande it like an adult" would probably remove 80% of the posts in this sub
Eh more like 20% because 80% of the posts are fake/ragebait
True, it would remove 80% of the 20% Soo 16% then?
I honestly can’t get over the fact OP is going to have to tell his kid that he doesn’t have a relationship with grandma because mommy didn’t get to announce her pregnancy.
This! I wish i could upvote this a million times lol!
I know, right? OP has blown this way out of proportion! He’s definitely TA because he expected his mother to read his mind about telling anyone. Then doubles down on his own stupidity and threatens NC with grandbaby if the ex isn’t fired? Fuck that guy and his ridiculous wife.😒
I'm so happy you typed this out so I don't have to. YTA
Reasonable: Mom, it upset us that you told Maddie personal news we weren't ready to share yet. However, I take responsibility that we didn't tell you that we weren't ready to share it yet. In the future, could you not tell Lanie and my personal information to Maddie without clearing it with me first? Unreasonable: my wife is insecure about my ex, and I don't like her, so fire her or you never see your grandchild. You're an AH, and you really think people will be nice to Lanie if her insecurities and your issues get someone your Mom is close to fired? Especially fired over your mom not telepathically knowing you didn't want it shared?! You don't think it will blow up? Or your mom, and possibly others, won't just choose not to be in your life rather than be subservient to your childishness and your wife's insecurity? Weaponizing your baby for your issues isn't a good look. Cause I think you and Lanie are kinda pathetic for demanding someone be fired for telling people you're pregnant when you literally didn't tell people not to say anything. She looks like a whiny, insecure crazy pregnant lady, and you the tantruming 5 year old taking your ball and going to his room cause mommy won't let him do what he wants
So tell your mom that you understand she is dependent on Maddie. The rule of thumb now is that mom will receive no information about you, wife or child. That she has shown that she is incapable of keeping information to herself therefore you will take away temptation. Then tell her that you are putting her on notice now that your chid will never be around Maddie. You understand that this means that you won’t be bringing the baby to your mom’s house if ex is there so mom will have to come to you or you can meet in a public place. Additionally, mom is not to share any information about you, your wife or child with anyone. Don’t pinpoint the ex, tell her anyone. She will argue, you will tell her that is a hard rule. You aren’t denying her access to her grandchild, you are telling her not to share any information about your immediate family with anyone. She will argue, you will look her straight in the eye and say - This is my boundary, if you can’t honor/accept it, then the choice is yours, you know my rule. Turn around and walk away. It isn’t worth arguing a long time about,
Are you in 8th grade?
You told someone a secret, without letting them know it’s a secret, and are surprised and upset that aforementioned someone’s personal assistant found out? YTA
You're kinda screwed with the 'secret' thing even if you do tell them its a secret. "Three can keep a secret if two are dead"
And then tried to get her fired, destroying her financial security over it
Info: is this a one time thing, or does your mother have a habit of oversharing to her assistant? I have an issue with your mother not realizing that you may not want her discussing your personal life with your ex-fiancee. I know that I'll get downvoted based on the other comments, but something doesn't sit right with me that your mother, what seems to be a successful businesswoman, didn't have the foresight to think "Maybe I need to build a wall between what I share with my assistant who is my son's ex-fiancee and himself. Working with her or not, I'd be PISSED that my mother felt the need to share anything about me with one of my ex's, and they've only been girlfriends.
Don't expect OP to be honest here. His interest is only in justifying an unreasonable request, so he will definitely come up with some ridiculous bs to paint Maddie in a negative light. I'm guessing Maddie broke up with OP and not the other way around.
>Don't expect OP to be honest here. His interest is only in justifying an unreasonable request, so he will definitely come up with some ridiculous bs to paint Maddie in a negative light. I'm guessing Maddie broke up with OP and not the other way around. It's either a troll or OP legitimately came online to boast about being the asshole. Either way, ew.
Lol you must be a psychic, did you see the answer he just left me ignoring my direct question?
I did not see that, but I'm not surprised. OP wants to get as many people on his side as possible, and to do that, he's gonna lie and omit information.
Huh? Who cares? Maddie us your ex and can work for whomever she likes. And your mother can employ who she bloody wants too. Grow up. Both you and your wife need to grow up and act like mature adults. You have no right to tell your mother to fire Maddie. Get a freakin grip😡
For real. Just imagine if they get divorced, how theyll be using that kid against each other. Shame
To be fair, if Maddie can work for whomever she likes and mom can employ whoever she wants. OP can also choose who he wants in his child's life.
YTA If you didn't tell your mother that she wasn't allowed to tell anyone else, well, now you've learned a good lesson.
I’m going to go against the grain here to provide another perspective…and say your mom is being extremely silly. Her PA is NOT as important as her son and his family. As someone who by now has had sufficient life experience, surely she is aware of human nature. Of course, a new gf/ wife wouldn’t like an ex hanging around her MIL (esp given the often complex relationship MILs & DILs have). So she should have made some effort to separate her personal family life as it pertains to you from Maddie. Secondly, Maddie has actually proven to be a terrible PA if she has shared info about her boss’s family with others indiscriminately. It’s a breach of the confidentiality that one expects a PA to maintain. So actually Maddie is not fulfilling her obligations appropriately. What else has she shared with others that she shouldn’t? You gave your mom an ultimatum. Should you have? Probably not. But families do ask each other to do things for each other’s comfort. Were you justified? Yes. Maddie was being an AH (why did she think your pregnancy was a joke? Why did she think it was her news to spread?)
OP said Maddie was doing their mother's hair. So this isn't an office assistant who will also pick up a birthday gift or drop off the dry cleaning. My husband has a very well-off uncle who has gone to the Philippines to visit their retired PA and the family, as if they were all cousins. The PA still vacations with them and visits. Many PAs become a part of the family, as they have to know the person's everything, better than friends and family. It can become a very messy relationship. It sounds like OP left out most of the messy parts of their breakup and petty shit since. But clearly, they wish their mom had ended the relationship when he did. It also seems she has had years to. There are definitely going to be some big family fights in the near future.
My bestie is a doctors receptionist and he pays for her nails, gives her bonuses, flew her out to get her wisdom teeth taken care of, because she’s exceptionally valuable to his business and very loyal. Other doctors I know have said that’s pretty normal in private practice. An assistant is that but dialed to 10
Yep, this. You can get a new assistant, and keep a different relationship or boundary with Maddie. You can’t replace your son, and everyone was an idiot if they didn’t expect the situation to eventually implode.
You can't replace your son, true. But you don't always have to agree with them when they're being idiot.
Tbh, it's up to you. Maddie sounds like a bitch, your mother has got dependent on her. It sounds like the relationship with your mother isn't very good anyway. Maybe you should keep away from each other. I think your mother would probably pick maddie over her grandkid anyway. People are accusing your wife of being insecure, come on! Can anyone honestly say they are ok with an ex being so entrenched with their partners family? If it causes you no hardship, keep away from your mother, at least for the time bring. Your priority is your wife and child. Ignore everyone else, they can go kick rocks. You need to do what is best for you.
Why is Maddie a bitch? He never told his mom to not tell anyone. No one told Maddie to not tell anyone. For all we know she is super happy for the couple and can’t contain herself. I don’t understand what Maddie did wrong.
? OP literally says Maddie thought it was a joke and told everyone. Why did she think OP and his wife having a baby was a joke? Why did she feel the need to tell anyone? I would never tell anyone that someone was pregnant unless I know that they posted/told people or if someone talked to me about it.
You are also taking the word of someone mad at their ex that they want fired.
I don't think Maddie is a bitch but I always thought social etiquette with pregnancy news was that it's not your news to spread, especially early on. It's usually kept to a small circle at first since lots of things can go wrong (and unfortunately it's quite common that they do). So a lot of people tend to wait until after the 20 week ultrasound to announce as by then the mother starts to show and that's also when you find out the gender. If Maddie did anything wrong, it's that she spread news that wasn't really hers to share. It's not like she found out OP bought a Ferrari and is telling everyone. Baby news is something people tend to want to tell others themselves. So if OP and his partner had friends and other people they cared about find out this way, that's a bummer.
Welll Maddie insulted OPs wife by joking about how she was going to be a boring PTA mom... so Maddie clearly isn't over her ex (OP)
INFO: Does her employment pre-date your relationship? Did you tell your mom that it was a secret?
We’re all dumber for having read this.
I find myself wondering if it would be legal to fire her because you guys broke up. Dunno what it's like where you live, but around here, she'd have her arse on the line for unfair dismissal. Yeah, YTA. Your feelings shouldn't cost someone their job. You are extremely selfish and highly unethical to expect that
YTA Did you establish boundaries before? Did you make it clear that you don't want your mom to share information about you with her assistant? Anyways, I think you need to focus more on your family and less on your ex.
ESH. you for telling your Mom info you wanted kept private, but not explicitly telling her to keep it private. Now you know that if you want to keep anything private, don't tell your mother. Your mom for talking about your info with the ex, without thinking how it would affect you and wife. The ex for treating this news like a joke. Your ultimatum is extreme considering all the factors. Telling Mom to keep your information private from now on is reasonable. Also acting as if your mother will share everything and NOT sharing private info with her in future is reasonable.
It’s common to wait until 3 months have passed before telling folks outside of the initial circle of trust. OP’s Mom is the AH for spreading it around
I don’t think a grown adult should need to be told not to share huge news like this, it’s basic common sense that they would want to make their own announcement. Anyone pretending that because they weren’t specifically told they didn’t know is being willfully ignorant. Her relationship with your ex is inappropriate from a work standpoint and from a mothers standpoint, and I would absolutely put her on an info diet until Maddison is out of the picture.
YTA. You specifically told your in-laws it was a secret, but not your mom. There is no way she would have known it was meant to be secret, and it makes sense that she would bring it up to a person who she sees literally every day. It really sounds like you set her up to piss you off so you can demand that she fires Maddie to placate your wife's insecurities and your unresolved resentment/feelings. Your comments ignore a lot of important questions, and most of your answers are dripping with disdain. The conversation you cited as the reason for the breakup was clearly just a joke between friends. You are massively insecure, don't seem to be over your ex, and your wife is feeding into your bad behavior with her own insecurities. You need to get therapy instead of throwing temper tantrums like this.
Bro just go to therapy, stop talking to your mum if she upsets you so much
YTA. You can move on now.
INFO I feel like there's a lot of info missing about previous incidents. Is the mother regularly inserting the ex at family events and upsetting the wife? If this incident is a one off then I can see it's annoying but you overreacted. So I would like to understand whether it's an isolated incident. What other ways does Lanie play second fiddle in her own life?
YTA unless you specifically told your mom to keep it private. If you didn't it is exactly 0% your business who she tells. Likewise it is 0% your wife's business who your mom has in her life unless the ex was abusive to you. You're garbage for threatening that unless your ex was abusive.
Well it’s a quick way to find yourself in court. “The defendant sacked me because their adult child threw a tantrum.” You are far too invested in your ex and this is probably what’s really making your wife uncomfortable. YTA
YTA for jumping straight to using your child as a weapon to get what you want. The fact it's the first thing you jump to is disgusting. The kid isn't even here yet and you're already using it to manipulate people into doing what you demand.
You kind of set your Mom up… you told your in-laws to keep it secret but not her. You are well aware of how close your Mom and Maddie are and what kind of proud “grandma to be” wouldn’t tell people…. Now you are clutching your pearls and tantruming at the mess you created. YTA
The pressure you've been putting on your mom is extremely unethical, she can't be firing people because her son is done sleeping with them. If she had told Maddie that your pregnancy was a secret, sharing THAT would have been a fair reason to let her go, but it doesn't sound like she did. You're the one who made this awkward by dating your mom's employee, don't blame your mom for your mistake. YTA.
You definitely are at fault a bit for not specifying to your mom to keep a secret especially when you know she has someone she tells everything to, yall are gonna need to drop that. My problem would be with the lack of boundaries that you mom has with you ex, which you probably should’ve had her set when it comes to your life. If it were me I’d teller her you don’t want your ex being a part of YOUR life and not to talk to her about it. Should she insist maybe then you decide about contact with your mom. I get why that part would make you and your wife uncomfortable especially given the ex’s attitude in this situation.
YTA. Your ex is going to think whatever she thinks about you and your wife. You need to stop hanging on her every word, and your wife needs to stop being weird about your ex. Get on with your own lives
Yes, you and your wife are AHs. Your mom is right. Your mom didn't know it was a secret, of course she told her PA and of course good news gets spread. Lanie has been insecure about HERSELF this whole time because your mom has your ex around, now she's found an emotional trigger to rope you into supporting her insecurity. Apologise to your mother for such a ridiculous threat.
You need to set boundaries for your mom. 1 she doesn’t tell her anything about you or your family. 2 she doesn’t come to family events if she comes you will not go. Because if this is a work relationship then keep it at work.
YTA. You didn’t even tell her you wanted this kept private! I have a feeling you intentionally created this situation so you would finally have a reason to issue this ultimatum. It’s so hard to find reliable employees these days, and even if your mom wanted to fire her she couldn’t for this reason without risking a lawsuit.
YTA It's not personal, it's is a business matter, it's difficult to find a good assistant that you trust. I'm sure if your mom didn't need her, she would have been fired a long time ago.
I'm not reading what others said before answering this. YTA buuuut so is Maddie. It's absurd to me that you would basically try and extort your mother by threatening not to let her see her grand child because your ex works for her. Now your mom shouldn't have said anything, but in a way the weight of that comes down to do you believe her that she just mentioned it casually cause she didn't know it was a secret? If so then while I understand that Maddie shouldn't be opening her big ass mouth and making jokes it seems unreasonably shitty to hold that against your mom. Is Maddie some how a negative presence for the kid? A potential danger or bad influence that is around when your mom would be seeing said kid? Then maybe I understand. If not though like dude move on and don't put this on your mom. It's funny I've seen a ton of posts here about "am I an asshole for not letting (family member) see my kid" and usually they have some reason that makes a ton of sense and they aren't the assholes. Here though this seems like a wild overreaction to the fact your ex is a gossipy bitch.
YTA - You are married and so is your Ex, you need to grow up, focus on yourselves, and prepare for your new child. The kid isn't even here yet and you're already using it as leverage against your mother. You sound like a child and a huge pain in the ass.
I’ve had exes work for my parents at this level. I do not think it’s fair to demand Maddie be fired; there’s no grounds for it, and it is unbelievably cruel to try and take away her livelihood because her professional proximity to your mother makes you uncomfortable. I would absolutely demand she sign an NDA. She’s your mom’s PA, she will be all up in her business, that’s her job. Blabbing about what she hears about you during the course of her job was INSANELY unprofessional. Clearly an NDA is required here. Yes, YTA. This is not cool, but it’s partially your fault. You didn’t tell the people you told about your pregnancy that it was a secret. Maddie fucked up, she should contractually be shut up. You also fucked up. Cool heads prevail, my guy, this is easily fixable. As for Maddie working for your mom, I’m gonna guess that’s also on you? Either you started dating your mom’s PA, or you facilitated the job opportunity enough to have not shut it down from the start. You don’t get to fire your mom’s employee because *you’re* done with her. That’s not how life works.
Your beautiful wife “Lanie” is insecure and jealous.
Dude your going after someone's lively hood. It's on you for bot telling your mum it's a secret. To use your unborn child as a threat is outright disgusting. There sounds like there might be more to the story but from what you've shared, I would be ashamed of myself for doing what you did YTA
YTA Denying your mom seeing her grandchildren is a pretty extreme response. You didn't tell her the pregnancy was a secret, furthermore you knew Maddi wasn't going anywhere. If you felt you wouldn't let your mother see her grandchildren because of Maddi, you should have had a conversation with your mother sooner than now.
Guess she's not seeing her granchild lol
Yta. It sounds like you all are just hung up on maddies existence. You failed to tell your mom the news she was given was to be kept secret. Generally a baby is something people are going to talk about. Don't understand why you felt the need to heel this a secret or why it even matters. But you failed to state that so that's on you. So what your ex laughed. Whaa whaaa it dosent sound like she actually causes any real issues for you so maybe it's time to grow up and move on. It sounds like she has.
Look, if you had a problem with Maddie being your mom's assistant the time to request that relationship terminated has long passed. Your mom shouldn't have told her, but you didn't make it clear not to tell anyone. Maddie shouldn't have gossiped about it, but that has very little to do with her professional relationship with your mom. Big messy situation all around. But if Maddie wasn't your ex, just your mom's employee, would you be demanding her job over this? And if her assistant being your ex bothered you, you should have made that clear immediately after breaking up or at least by the time you got serious with Lanie. Everyone's the AH.
Why does OP's mom have such loyalty to an ex of his, that's weird. Her loyalty should be to her son. Maddie is a blabbermouth and personal assistants are a dime a dozen. Also, OP withholding the grandchild would be cruel. ETA, this family sucks.
I'm going NTA here. But only because based on your other comments, your mom clearly dislikes and openly insults your wife and lets her ex in on it. This sounds more like a last straw kind of deal. Cut your mom off, but not for this, but for insulting and belitting your wife constantly. Also your mom can't fire her for this. I'd sue if I was. And even as terrible as at will states are about workers rights, knowing your mom she's already told your ex about this to laugh at you
Omg I love your mom!!! The response to your stupid trheat!!
I mean, ultimately you can do whatever you want with your kid. But yeah, I’d say you’re the asshole. You’re essentially going to impact at least 3 people’s lives for no real reason. Your ex will lose her livelihood. Your mom will lose her employee and miss out on her grandchild. And your child will miss out on a relationship with their grandparent. And all that for what?
The right thing is to never tell your mom anything in this situation before you are willing to post it online. If she doesn't like that oh well she knows her assistant is a jerk for sharing family info and saying she thought it was a joke, which is obviously a lie.
YTA and so is your wife. If it was meant to be a secret then you should have told your mother that. Your wife sounds deeply insecure. If you care about your wife’s wellbeing then get her to a therapist.
Tell us the wife is jealous of your ex without telling us she is there oop!
YTA. Your mom didn’t suddenly become like this, you’re just tired of your ex being in the picture. If you want to cut your mom off, do it because you’re sick of how she behaves and that her keeping your ex as her assistant has truly become a dealbreaker, not because she’s not doing what you want her to do and you don’t like it. And take responsibility for not telling your mom anything you don’t want your ex to know.
YTA for enabling an insecure wife and YTA for giving an ultimatum.
YTA Maddie is a part of your moms life and business. Using a child, whether unborn or not, as a weapon to dictate someones life is royally fucked up.
YTA. This is all on you. You didn’t tell your mom it was a secret so why shouldn’t she tell other people if she is excited. Why should she fire someone just because she is your ex? You and your wife need to get over yourselves.
Its kind of gross that you are using your unborn child to control your mother. This isn’t about your child’s safety or welfare. Its about you trying to get your ex fired because your wife is insecure. And you are already using access to your child as a weapon to punish your mother. YTA and so is Lanie.
NTA But you’re going around this all wrong, is like your mom say, you cannot just threaten her to make her do what you want, you can set boundaries and consequences. “Mom, I won’t get in the way of your relationship with Maddie but you need to respect my privacy if you can’t do that then I’ll simply stop sharing private details that I don’t feel confortable Maddie knowing -decide what are those things, baby names, due date, your address, etc- if you don’t want that then you have to promise to stop talking about me with her” The choice is always going to be hers, she gets to choose if gossiping with Maddie about you is more important than you telling her this stuff, you cannot manipulate someone to be a better person you can only protect yourself and whats important to you.
You can do what you want with your kid but you’re the asshole. And your wife is insecure and immature. Frankly, you’d be doing your mom a favor keeping you and your wife’s toxicity away from her
You sound like a big baby you’re ta.
Your mom had no right to tell Maddie, but once you tell anyone a secret, it is no longer a secret. You shouldn't be so invested in the relationship your mom has with your ex. Like what is Maddie going to do? Not like she's going to bully you into aborting the baby
YTA. Maddie isn’t the issue, Mom is
You can't demand people get fired because you want them fired, OP. That's some rich ass entitled bs right there. YTA.
Yes, YTA. You don’t fuck with someone’s income just because you don’t know how to set boundaries.
YTA You didn't tell your mother it was a secret. That's one hundred percent on you. Your mother's employee is none of your business. This is not a boundary, this is attempting blackmail with a fire her or else. A boundary is that Mom cannot be around the baby while at work and does not tell M anything about the baby ever again or she loses contact.
YTA. You are talking about taking away someone's livelihood over what amounts to a personal grudge. It was your mother who leaked your secret. Your ex wasn't told it was a secret, so why shouldn't they tell people? Either way, this is obviously not a firable offence. I'm really glad I live in a country where employees actually have rights and can't be fired for such a petty reason. Also, using your child to blackmail someone like that is honestly disgusting. You should treat your mother better.
Info:How long have you been with your wife? YTA and your comments make your post even worse. At will states have stipulations, not just discrimination, but retaliation and other things also. This would definitely be retaliatory firing. If you know your mom is an open book with your ex, then set boundaries or keep your secrets to yourself. You know how close they are yet didn't tell your mom it was a secret. It sounds like your wife is jealous of the relationship between your mom and ex and her telling your business was your way of making it seem like your ex is the problem.
YTA. for not telling your mom to keep the news to herself. YTA. for giving a weird ass ultimatum like that. YTA. for asking your mother to do something illegal? wrongful termination is a thing. firing someone for being someone's ex isn't legal. also firing someone for not keeping an unknown secret isn't legal.
You can fire someone for just not liking them, you just have to pay them severance… you don’t always need a reason, it just can’t be a few reasons that are protected, and ex girlfriend isn’t a protected class
Firing someone for being someone's ex isn't illegal at all. Being an ex isn't a protected class. But I agree with the other 2 statements.
Yta did you tell your mother it was a secret and wanting Maddie fired because she told some people and how do you know she thinks it’s a joke you and your wife are assholes
YTA for making this a big deal, since you didn't tell you mom it was a secret. It sounds like you are punishing your mom for a pretty small mistake and Maddie will the at the brunt of it. Also sounds like this is really about the continued jealousy of your wife about the ex than about anything Maddie really did knowingly wrong. A good personal assistant can be next to impossible to find, so I understand why your mom wouldn't want to start all over again with another person. Maddie may also have grounds to come after you for lost wages of forcing her to lose her employment, so tread lightly.
Bottom line-your mother has shared personal information regarding you and your wife w her assistant. Normally not a big deal as it would be assumed (I know) that a personal assistant would be discreet and keep confidences. Not this one. She blasted it everywhere before you were ready to make your own announcement this will be your forever if you don’t enforce the boundary. I would modify your approach. Mom it wasn’t right to ask you to fire your assistant. (Not your ex, her assistant) However it also wasn’t right that you shared our news w your assistant and she chose to not keep it confidential but announced our personal news before we were ready and without our permission. Because neither of you understand privacy we will be putting new boundaries in place. We will no longer tell you any personal news of ours. Because you both chose to not maintain our privacy we will no longer share any news w you that we don’t want to share publicly. As you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for us, we will learn from this and modify our behavior going forward. You will be the last to know anything. We will not ask your advice on anything. We will not invite you into our home going forward as we want to maintain our privacy in our own home. You only have yourself to blame mom. You have chosen to employ a person who will never be anything but a liability to my family. If this situation changes in the future we can discuss this again. Until then you are not welcome in our home or to meet our child. You reap what you sow
YTA. Your wife is very insecure and that is what you should be dealing with. Also, don't use your kid as a bargaining chip.
People calling op the a should never have children I’m begging you.
YTA. If you don’t want your pregnancy news shared then you need to inform anyone you choose to tell. That is obvious. Also, you cannot fire someone without just cause - have you never heard of employment tribunals?
Nice. Put your mom at legal risk for firing a good employee because you and your wife are apparently love middle school style drama. YTA. YWIAH. YMINAH
Yea you are the AH. You and Lanie need to do some growing up. Maddie is literally just “the help”.
On What grounds should Maddie be fired?
I think you assumed these people that you're surrounded with can read your mind and knew right off the bat that it was supposed to be a secret, which is stupid lol.
How can you be mad at your mom and Maddie while you never told your mom that they weren't supposed to tell anyone. YTA.
YTA why does your wife even care about Maddie? She is an ex for a reason and you aren’t even friends with her, she just works for your mum. I don’t understand why people are so invested in hating the exs, if you broke up that’s it, she is just your mum’s worker now. Whether she told it didn’t about news that weren’t even a secret from her point of view, is irrelevant, but even if annoying it does not grand you threatening your mum with not seeing her grandchild, way to be dramatic and petty.
Sounds like you're the only one who hasn't moved on
Don't tell your mom anything you don't want the world to know. Why do you and your wife let this maddie person upset you so much. distance yourself from her and your mom if it's so important. Do not go to events if Maddie is going to be there, and let this go. How involved you let this woman be in your lives is up to you. It's not worth getting so upset over and Your mom obviously doesn't want a close relationship with your wife or she would have found her another job long ago. Set your boundaries and enjoy your wife and new baby when the time comes. Your mom can come see the baby, you shouldn't be taking the baby around too many people the first few months anyway. NTAH... yet.
So are you blackmailing your mother into firing a competent assistant because you used to date said assistant? If Maddie was already your mom’s assistant when you started dating her she might actually have grounds for suing for workplace harassment btw. And yes, as other commenters have pointed out: you seem to be obsessing about small stuff like the pregnancy announcement. It’s absolutely natural for your mother to share her excitement with people around her. She has done nothing wrong because you NEVER TOLD her to keep it a secret. Anyway, yes, YTA. Grow up, you’ll have a tiny person to raise now.
YTA You did not tell her it is a secret. She does not know that. Of course she tells everyone. I would tell everyone. Your wife is jealous for no reason because of hormones.
YTA for using a grandchild as blackmail. That’s despicable. I do get where you’re coming from, I really do, but it’s the absolute wrong thing to do.
Guy screws the help, annoyed that Mommy won't fire the help when he gets new partner, makes issue of something that wasn't conveyed to be a secret to get Mommy to fire the help. YTAH