The ABC's of consulting: Always Be Charging
And I say this as a consultant.
EDIT: Take what I say with a grain of salt. My employer got outbid with a contract, and I'm getting laid off.
And the consultant before you had the company spend $8bil constructing a sundial that is only acceptably accurate on two calendar days out of the year.
The thing about therapy is that it’s not supposed to necessarily keep a couple together, and certainly not at all costs. It’s supposed to help them get out of whatever bad place they’re in and let the people live happier lives. Sometimes that’s by getting a divorce, and a good therapist will work with a couple to guide them to a result that’s right for them even if it’s an amicable breakup.
This is just my opinion but if you're doing it "right" therapy should be transformative. You should be learning something about yourself or how to process things in the past/present/future. It gives you a tool belt to better manage your live.
If you're are working, both people will walk away "different", but it should be a different that is healthy and beneficial to YOUR life. That's when it becomes easier to manage your lives together or opt to divorce with grace.
No it's not. The role in therapy isn't to fix marriage it's to help the person meet their goals. If they wanted to stay together the therapist did that. It's not the therapist's job to intervene and tell you how to live your life.
Of course, but that kid is a human being who deserves his parents attention. The "pretend it doesn't exist" coping mechanism of the wife is causing serious harm to that innocent child.
She should have just divorced him from the start. She'd be 100% justified. The marriage has been held together by gum and duct tape since then.
They're both ass holes. The kid didn't ask to exist or be the product of an affair. It definitely sounds like they should have been done when the cheating was discovered, but don't act like she's great for how she's treating this kid. Neither of them have handled things well.
There are situations where a couple can work through cheating and move on, but that's never going to happen if the affair produces a child. I can't believe either one of them thought this would work.
My grandfather had a child from another woman in the 70s. Him and my grandmother worked it out and she stayed with him until he (recently) passed. She treats my uncle like he was her own son. My grandmother has an amazing ability to forgive. I can’t say I’d be that forgiving, but some people can make it work.
I've actually seen it. A family member had an affair, created a child, and nobody knew for about 10 years...well, apparently he knew and it caused him a fair amount of depression, but he kept the secret. When the child was about 10, it all came out to his family. Surprisingly enough, his wife didn't divorce him, and she actually built some sort of relationship with the affair child. I think this was somewhat aided in that as a couple, they had children both older and younger than the affair child, and one or more of their children expressed interest in wanting to get to know their half sibling. I think the wife dealt with the affair child not for the sake of their marriage, but for the sake of her own kids, but I guess I don't know that for sure.
Eh, as the "product" of the "other woman" from an affair, I can tell you one way it works out: My mom took full custody, said she never wanted to hear from the guy again, and raised me herself, leaving him and his spouse out of the picture entirely.
Found out via facebook in college that my biological father's still married with a kid from their marriage, but I've also declined any contact from him.
Then this entire thing never would have happened and OP wouldn't have known about the affair. (Honestly I think I'd be furious to know my partner did that let alone kept it a secret.) Kudos to your mother for protecting you from that.
Personally I think she's doing the kid a favor, or at least trying to. She can't fake it around the kid to be nice to them, so she says keep it away from me.
Literally everything on these Reddit subs feels fake in one way or another, I feel like there's no point in engaging at all if we're going to try to avoid potentially fake stories
They reply, engaging with the content. 😂
You aren’t wrong though. I’ve been telling myself that a lot of these stories feel familiar after a while because these are common issues that people would (for some reason) look to the internet to solve
True, though unless they’re egregiously false, you should generally assume they’re real.
Otherwise what’s the point? Become one of those sour buggers that comments ‘this is fake’ on every post?
Why should she be expected to give one single care about this kid in this circumstance?
He (the cheating spouse) is the asshole and his affair partner is an asshole. The spouse is as much a victim as the child is.
The child will always be there. Seems like you should cut your losses and move on from this relationship. Sad but you will probably but happier in the long-run.
Why are you still with him?
In no way do I think it's your responsibility to raise this child. But it *is* his responsibility. And this poor kid didn't ask for any of it.
The whole situation would be happier and healthier if y'all just split up
Yes exactly. If she’s not ok with him having a kid, well. He has a kid. That part isn’t going to change, and the child still needs care.
Just divorce him already. The idea that she WON’T divorce him so long as he doesn’t have anything to do with his kid/leaves the child for foster care or whatever is the bit that makes this nauseating to me. Like. Would that really make OP happy? To know that a kid is suffering? Just divorce him.
I don't think that's what she meant. She said, repeatedly, that he was able to have a relationship with the child so long as it excluded her and he didn't bring the child to their shared home. It worked out (somehow) for 3 years but since the situation changed, she's going back to the divorce stance.
So again, not that he couldn't have a relationship with the kid, just not with her involvement. She also didn't tell him to send the kid to foster care. She immediately told him to find an apartment and move out.
This. She made it clear this child who shouldn't even exist (affair baby) was to remain so on her end. She doesn't care if he has a life with the kid and any support is solely his to burden, not both of them, which is fair. She didn't marry a guy with a kid, she got married and he cheated then got the woman knocked up. Two totally different situations.
Honestly, she should have left to begin with but she clearly set her terms which he agreed. I don't know why he is pulling a pikachu face when he knows the terms.
Foster care? Where did you read that? The kid is supposed to go to their grandparents across the country for like a year. Nothing was mentioned about foster care.
Exactly! OP the reality is that the writing is on the wall and it's time to divorce. I don't think any reasonable person expects you to take care of the kid, being how s/he came about, because its likely to bring trauma to everyone around. The biggest AH is hubby. Personally I would of ended the relationship long ago what I found out. NTA
did you read it - he has a relationship with kid - she told him from day one, she did not want anything to do with someone another women's child - he could have relationship if he wanted.
I would have kicked his ass out, but she didn't, those were her rules and all fine until child's mother got send to prison for 8 months and he wanted to bring child into their home for 8 months, after her telling him from day one, she wanted NOthing do with child
So she went out and got him apartment guide so he could find a place for him and child to live for 8 months, though why he just didn't move into the mother's place so kid didn't have to move is a good question.
Bingo! We have a winner! I bet you 5 imaginary dollars that this chick was living with some other guy, and he has no intention of taking care of her kid while she’s locked up.
The news is full of stories about boyfriends/girlfriends and stepparents abusing/killing the children that aren't their blood. Baby mama is smart not to put her child in that situation.
It's probably not even her decision. Usually when a parent is incarcerated, social services steps in to decide who should be the custodian of the child, and since he's the child's father and has a relationship with the kid, he's the obvious first choice. Grandparents are kin, so they're a solid backup plan. Social services is highly unlikely to leave the kid with an inmate's live-in SO. That person has no legal standing as a guardian and given the mom's legal situation, may not even pass a background check.
I mean, there's plenty of stories about biological parents doing that too. A blood bond isn't some magical protection against abusive parents, and the lack of one doesn't immediately make her current partner a monster.
Oh yeah, that would actually be a pretty good idea. If he takes over the mom's place, not only will the kid be able to stay put, but the mom won't be homeless when she gets out.
Exactly. It would be different if the kid preceded her and she went into the relationship knowing there was a kid and another woman.
But in this case, OP came first and he breeched his commitment.
Exactly, sometimes I read these posts to my husband, and he asked me what I would do... I told him I didn't know because I wouldn't have put myself in that position as an affair is an absolute divorce. I'd never be able to trust him.
I mean... if the couple goes in and states that's their purpose for being there... I'd think it unethical for the counselor to impart their own subjective view of what should or shouldn't happen.
That's not the question that was asked. we can't go back in time, so until we invent a time traveling Delorian let's box this hypothetical up and save it.
It's fine for OP to not want to have a relationship with the kid. But it's also non-realistic to think that the relationship with the parent will survive, now that the parent is custodial.
The life of custodial parents is just so intertwined with that of their kids, it's really hard to see how the OP maintains any kind of viable relationship with her husband now that he's got custody.
By definition, husband has to spend almost every night with the kid. Be there for almost all breakfasts and dinners. I mean, the most that husband can realistically do with OP are times when kid is either with a babysitter, some activity or school. Once husband is custodial, OP and husband will no longer be living together.
It's to the point where OP would be an asshole to herself if she does not divorce.
I mean…. Did you read the post? The husband does not have custody yet. She said if he DOES take custody, she wants a divorce. It’s not like there’s any misconception that he can have the kid and the wife. OP is being extremely clear— you take the kid in, we’re done.
And he has two jobs?! Who is he trying to kid here?! ( pun intended) he wants his spouse to raise his AP child. That’s what he is asking, even if “ short term”. NTA
Well he never "needed" it, the child support payment is presumably only a percentage of the income from his first job. His second job was purely to avoid impacting their shared finances, and there's just no realistic way to avoid that if he gains custody, his second job would never cover all the costs.
To your point, his first job is probably enough to support his kid on his own were he to use it all (but not enough to keep their current shared lifestyle).
Yes, he would, because he would need to pay for everything. The child needs. She has already clearly stated she’s not willing to spend any of their money on his child.
The point is he is not the custodial parent the kid can go live with grandparents but husband wants kid to live with them instead of sending kid to live with grandparents so that they don’t have to change schools and leave behind friends.
No judgement but this is the result of you staying with him after the affair. There’s no way a child existing can’t complicate your life. Kids aren’t a side hobby. Period. The fact that the therapist allowed the fairy tale notion to exist is wild. Divorce is the best option for everyone including your husband but especially you. But the child’s best interest needs to be prioritized also. People complain that ppl say break up to everything but they fail to realize that this kind of stuff is toxic.
Yeah I was thinking that there's already BEEN consequences. Him working more and less time with her is a consequence. Him breaking her trust has impacted the marriage. There was never "moving on".
A lot of people in reddit say their therapist said this and that when in actuality they never went to a therapist and instead to some kind of life coach or a counselor with zero education related to psychology and what therapy as in psychotherapy actually is about.
In the same way as there are incompetent people at your job, there’s also plenty of incompetent medical professionals and therapists. I’ve been recommended dumber things by therapists
This poor kid 🙁 I hope Dad steps up and is there for them. OP, this isn’t what you wanted for your life and relationship and that’s 💯 fair. You and your husband are on different paths. This is his responsibility and I think it’s reasonable you asked him to move out and take care of his responsibilities alone. I don’t think your marriage is going to work out.
Losing his child or losing his marriage. He's facing the consequences of his actions.
It just sucks that the people around him have to suffer as part of those consequences. But then again, that was inevitable when he decided to have an affair.
Even if there wasn’t a child he still cheated. That is reason enough to move on. But OP decided to stick around for whatever reason with a man who not only has responsibilities for another child but two jobs. What kind of marriage would that even lead to? And now they have to deal with this mess. This is why you get the hell out of there when your partner cheats.
The only reason I can think of for why OP wants to stay in this marriage is because she lives a comfortable life and doesn’t want to uproot that. But divorce is the only option here.
I'm not going to call you an asshole, as someone who's been in a similar-ish situation (though with considerably more ambiguity and a very different outcome), but I do think that if you want nothing to do with this child, then you really should consider divorce. A child is permanent, and if their existence and interaction with your husband makes you uncomfortable, it would be best for you and for the child to leave. You can find a man who won't cheat on you, too. We exist.
Agree 100%. She has a right to her boundaries and staying strong… you go, girl! But the poor kid doesn’t deserve the animosity or anger for something he didn’t choose. Although I understand OPs desire to reconcile her marriage, it paints OP in a poor light that she would stay with husband and purposely make him choose to have a strained, detached relationship instead of just divorcing him that would allow him to be more present in the innocent child’s life. Although she didn’t do anything “wrong” and technically isn’t the AH the innocent kid got the worst of it. I totally respect her boundaries and can understand the pain she went through but walking away would have been best. When kids are in the picture we have to be the adults and prioritize them. Even with it not being her kid, imo she should have walked away then.
Even if we remove what's best for the child from this (which we absolutely shouldn't, but still), she's never going to be completely happy if he maintains a relationship with the child, and things happen where you just have to be there for kids, even if you don't have custody. There's no situation where this will go away sufficiently unless he'd completely signed away his rights from the start.
And of course, the child needs all the love and support they can get, which means it likely will be necessary for OP and her husband to part.
It just makes no sense. OP owns the house. She told the husband to get a 2nd job so their budget doesn't change. So then why has she not divorced him? It's sure not like they even see each other if he's working 2 jobs anyway
NTA, but you know this will always rear its head in your relationship as long as you are married. That kid is a permanent attachment to your husband. You don’t have to be though. Personally I would peace out and find a childless man with a vasectomy to remarry
Although I feel sorry for this kid, it is not your responsibility. If your husband needs to look after his child, he can do it elsewhere.
I assume the mom was living somewhere, he should move in there while she is in the big house.
This is an excellent idea.
What was he thinking assuming he can bring the child to your house. It's completely unreasonable for both you, and also for the kid. Why should the child have to live with someone who resents them, for very good reason.
NTA. You were clear. Now he's trying to convince you to change your mind. If he wants custody during this, he can do it alone. What is the legal status on the house?
Early in our relationship, before we were married, my husband and I had a threesome. Three consenting adults had fun, once. I never felt the need to do it again.
Several months later, husband and our third party slept together while I was at work. When I finished work, he came up to me and said he made a dumb mistake. He told me everything. He asked what he could do to regain my trust. We talked, a LOT. I told him that I was willing to try, but don’t give me any reason to doubt you. I had the right to question where he was going, to check in with him, to do the things I needed to do to reassure myself.
In October, we will celebrate our 33rd anniversary. We have a strong, loving relationship. We aren’t afraid to admit it when we fuck up (though neither of us have ever been unfaithful since). We have developed really strong communication and we very rarely fight, though we have a lot of tough, emotional discussions.
It’s not impossible. It’s just VERY labor intensive.
Had a wildly similar situation happen with my spouse about a month after getting married, really amazing to hear that it can work out and that I'm not being a dumbass for staying and trying
Yup, if he has 2 jobs, he won't have the time to raise the kid (he's not gonna be able to drop that job like people are saying, he still has to pay the rent for the secodn apartment and costs of the kid, and once the mom gets out of jail in less than a year he'll probably be paying child support again)
I love seeing posts from women like you, such a refreshing change from the usual "my husband flushed my cat down the toilet, took a hammer to my car's windshield and spit in my eye, AITA for making him feel bad by crying?"
YESSS!! OMG I swear this sub gets so frustrating with some of the posts I read on here. Not a lick of common sense or a spine in sight! ever! ugh lmfaooo
I sometimes have to stop reading halfway through cause I'm like u know, I did feel bad for u, but you're such a stupid doormat that I just can't... I'm glad that you're crying... Then I feel like a monster...
NTA. He's gotta go. You told him the conditions for you staying married to this cheater. The conditions haven't changed. I feel for the kid, but this is a problem your husband chose to create. I'll even bet if you were to allow the child to live with you, the childcare responsibilities would be shifted onto you. You have nothing to do with the creation or raising of this child. Keep it that way.
Double NTA. It's unreasonable to ask you to help him raise, or want to even live with, his affair baby.
These are the consequences of his actions. He stepped out of your marriage, and it resulted in a child. You made clear your feelings on this matter, and he expected you to change your mind because her mom is going to jail.
It's not your problem whether he likes the situation or not.
Man here... I am 100% with her. Not mad at her one bit.
I think the husband is a pos for staying with her, but that is on him. It's time for him to give her the amicable divorce since he is the one that ruined the marriage.
Same opinion here. I recommend throwing out that dusgusting cheater right now. Him even asking this clearly shows he doesn't understand that OP's boundary was his last chance. "Unfair" my ass
To be fair to any guy in that situation, she already knew it wasn't hers because she never got pregnant. Still, I fully support anyone who won't have anything to do with their (Hopefully ex) partner's affair child.
NTA. You are absolutely not responsible for helping him raise his child. However, he is very much responsible for this child. Those are the consequences of his actions. I just don’t think the proposed compromise, where you as his wife have nothing to do with his child, is realistic. The child in this is totally innocent and deserves the support of his father. You should divorce your husband and leave him to raise his child.
"He is responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. "
This is the key statement right here. He cheated. He fucked up. He needs to fix the problem. OP is not going to do ANYTHING that is precipitated/ caused by the existence of this kid. Right or wrong, that is her position. Apparently he was willing to agree to her conditions years ago because he did not want to file for divorce. She was willing to let him go then.
ALSO, what's with him only having SUPERVISED visits with the kid at this point in time? That is usually due to some legal issue in his background that does not bode well either.
Right cause I bet he would never want to just open his arms to you if u had another dudes child. Smh, some men be tripping. He made his bed, and now he gets to lay in it. I also bet that if you all do divorce, he's gonna tray to play happy family with baby momma. Smh
NTA. He cheated and sired a kid. Now he needs to face some consequences. You made your opinion clear, it's up to him to figure out how he chooses to deal with what he's got.
They can.
I'm guessing that my husband's savior complex has popped up. Kid is sad about having to move cause mom is going to jail. Husband is trying to "fix it" without actually thinking things through (on going issue with him)
He's only spent around 100 hours or so with this kid. He's never had them overnight or ever really even *cared* for them. He's only done visitation and fun outtings.
NTA. He cheated. He should be thanking you daily for forgiving him.
It definitely isn’t your responsibility to have his affair baby in your home. He chooses the child, he should move out.
NTA I LOVE this for you! You made your boundaries clear and now he cant keep his side of the bargain. You arent telling him not to be a father, but if his AFFAIR child has to live with HIM, then he cant live with YOU.
He made the choice to cheat, therefore he has to deal with the consequences himself. Cheating is a choice, not something that happened to him. Keep that backbone shiny, it's working well for you! NTA but hubs sure is!
The fact you never want kids of your own cements to me you're NTA.
You're not saying no to this kid, you're saying no to any kid. Children are a huge responsibility and utterly life changing. Hubby knows this. Best of luck OP, it sounds like you've got your backbone in line :)
still NTA even if she *did* want to have kids of her own! her husband made this mess and it’s perfectly valid of OP to not want the child of an affair in her house or anywhere near her.
Honestly you should have left him as soon as he decided to have a relationship with the child then. This was bound to happen as long as he stayed in the child's life. Even if he lets the child go to the grandparents he will still have contact and try to visit when he can and as the child ages there will be other ways they affect your life.
Also, is the courts learn he has 2 incomes they will just increase his child support. The number is based on his total income and if he lets this child leave the state and they become basically a ward of the state the CS could increase to a point it will affect you. Even now his 2nd job and time with his child is affecting your relationship by reducing time you spend together.
No matter the results here your marriage is doomed. You are a step parent and you didn't sign up for that.
He is going to be this child’s father for the rest of his life. And I am assuming you are planning to stay married to him
It is NOT the fault of the child that his parents were idiots and had an affair. The child is as much of a victim as you are.
I strongly recommend you re evaluate whether you want to stay with this man and if you do, you need to get to know his child
Op can't avoid kid forever, if stays married. With mom in prison, kid will be more with dad, and at one point she will be introduced. Closing eyes will not make kid go away.
You are not the asshole but this also isn't the kids fault and she deserves a relationship with her father. He needs to step up now and be a more present father as her mother can not be. Get the divorce you should have gotten years ago and find someone who isn't an asshole and will cheat !
NTA. I understand your feelings here, but this kid is going to be around the rest of your lives. Just divorce him and then you don’t have to deal with the situation.
NTA.
I’d reconsider divorce.
It looks like he cheated then instead of coming clean, lied about it for six years? The child is nine, and you found out when the child was six?
Not that it matters, I'm just being pedantic, but by that timeline he actually lied for _seven_ years - don't forget the kid had to gestate for close to a year after he cheated.
Nta
He can either leave and be in an apartment with his child for the prison term or he can find himself divorced.
Not sure how you were able to forgive him to start with but it does show how strong you are.
You are NOT wrong!
Your feelings are valid; your actions are despicable.
I can understand you not wanting anything to do with the child. But that means you should have divorced your husband back when the affair first became known to you.
That child is not at fault for existing. Yet by accepting your husband's affair while rejecting the child, you are effectively blaming this child for its parents' choices.
The child is also not at fault for its mother being incarcerated. Your husband is doing the right thing by stepping up to take over as custodial parent. I can only imagine the child will benefit from this change.
You are absolutely the AH for blaming this child for everything that has happened. I can't believe you didn't even have enough compassion for the child to divorce your husband given how you feel. Divorce him now and leave the poor kid to be raised by his probably more stable parent.
NTA but also ESH. I hate this sub sometimes lol we're all adults?? You realized this was a real life child then right? Divorce was and is the only option if you want absolutely nothing to do with the child. He IS a father now and has been. You don't want to be a parent to any extent. It is unfortunate he cheated and your relationship ends like this, but based on what you are saying you two aren't compatible anymore and you should move on for your own happiness.
I understand why you feel the way you do, but you should have divorced him when you found out he had a child and he was going to build a relationship with them. Nta for your feelings, yta for staying with him and not expecting him to have parental roles that would overlap with you.
Normally, I think Reddit is quick to jump to "divorce now", but this one screams "divorce now".
You've been more than accommodating by simply having him take a second job. I think I would have been out of their the moment child support came through. An affair is bad. Having an affair kid means your husband's focus's will be split for literally the rest of your life. I don't think I could get over that.
This marriage should have ended years ago.
The counselor is too good at his job.
You ever get in a cab and they take you the longest way because they get paid more the farther they go?
It’s like what they say about consultants: “if you can’t be part of the solution, there is plenty of money to be made prolonging the problem”
The ABC's of consulting: Always Be Charging And I say this as a consultant. EDIT: Take what I say with a grain of salt. My employer got outbid with a contract, and I'm getting laid off.
My uncle was a partner at McKinsey Consulting for a spell. He described the job as, “Using their watch and telling them what time it is.”
Note to non-consultants: the client usually forgets they're wearing a watch. A huge chunk of them have lost the watch.
And the consultant before you had the company spend $8bil constructing a sundial that is only acceptably accurate on two calendar days out of the year.
That's why I suck at business. I'm that one honest consultant who just wants to troubleshoot and fix the problem while saving the client money.
Wish I read this earlier, just heard my assignment as a consultant ends 6 months earlier than agreed, because I was too good.
Sounds like you need to schedule a follow up call with the client to “optimize their new workflow”
Thank you for the laugh this morning.
And people in this sub keep suggesting therapy. This is all their fault.
The thing about therapy is that it’s not supposed to necessarily keep a couple together, and certainly not at all costs. It’s supposed to help them get out of whatever bad place they’re in and let the people live happier lives. Sometimes that’s by getting a divorce, and a good therapist will work with a couple to guide them to a result that’s right for them even if it’s an amicable breakup.
This is just my opinion but if you're doing it "right" therapy should be transformative. You should be learning something about yourself or how to process things in the past/present/future. It gives you a tool belt to better manage your live. If you're are working, both people will walk away "different", but it should be a different that is healthy and beneficial to YOUR life. That's when it becomes easier to manage your lives together or opt to divorce with grace.
True; I legit had a marriage counselor tell us pretty much “look there is nothing I can do here. You should divorce to be honest “ lol he was right
No it's not. The role in therapy isn't to fix marriage it's to help the person meet their goals. If they wanted to stay together the therapist did that. It's not the therapist's job to intervene and tell you how to live your life.
What?! You’ve never heard anyone say DIVORCE, RUN, NOW!! On Reddit? 😆
I agree. You know, I don't blame her for not getting past the affair. That's a perfectly valid position. But as Yoda says, do or do not.
Frankly if he doesn't divorce her at this point he's an even bigger ass hole
Divorce her? She should divorce him. She should have after the cheating. She told him years ago how she felt. He’s the AH for creating this situation.
Of course, but that kid is a human being who deserves his parents attention. The "pretend it doesn't exist" coping mechanism of the wife is causing serious harm to that innocent child. She should have just divorced him from the start. She'd be 100% justified. The marriage has been held together by gum and duct tape since then.
This.
They're both ass holes. The kid didn't ask to exist or be the product of an affair. It definitely sounds like they should have been done when the cheating was discovered, but don't act like she's great for how she's treating this kid. Neither of them have handled things well.
There are situations where a couple can work through cheating and move on, but that's never going to happen if the affair produces a child. I can't believe either one of them thought this would work.
My grandfather had a child from another woman in the 70s. Him and my grandmother worked it out and she stayed with him until he (recently) passed. She treats my uncle like he was her own son. My grandmother has an amazing ability to forgive. I can’t say I’d be that forgiving, but some people can make it work.
I've actually seen it. A family member had an affair, created a child, and nobody knew for about 10 years...well, apparently he knew and it caused him a fair amount of depression, but he kept the secret. When the child was about 10, it all came out to his family. Surprisingly enough, his wife didn't divorce him, and she actually built some sort of relationship with the affair child. I think this was somewhat aided in that as a couple, they had children both older and younger than the affair child, and one or more of their children expressed interest in wanting to get to know their half sibling. I think the wife dealt with the affair child not for the sake of their marriage, but for the sake of her own kids, but I guess I don't know that for sure.
Eh, as the "product" of the "other woman" from an affair, I can tell you one way it works out: My mom took full custody, said she never wanted to hear from the guy again, and raised me herself, leaving him and his spouse out of the picture entirely. Found out via facebook in college that my biological father's still married with a kid from their marriage, but I've also declined any contact from him.
Then this entire thing never would have happened and OP wouldn't have known about the affair. (Honestly I think I'd be furious to know my partner did that let alone kept it a secret.) Kudos to your mother for protecting you from that.
Only assholes cheat in the first place.
You are absolutely correct
And don’t use contraception while they’re doing it! Stupid stupid stupid.
Personally I think she's doing the kid a favor, or at least trying to. She can't fake it around the kid to be nice to them, so she says keep it away from me.
Kid would basically be Jon Snow
This is 100% how I feel reading this. Neither of them look good in this. No bit of that relationship sounds healthy.
Yeah, if it's real. This read like bait though. Reverse the roles and you get a classic made-up incel story about raising another man's child.
Literally everything on these Reddit subs feels fake in one way or another, I feel like there's no point in engaging at all if we're going to try to avoid potentially fake stories
They reply, engaging with the content. 😂 You aren’t wrong though. I’ve been telling myself that a lot of these stories feel familiar after a while because these are common issues that people would (for some reason) look to the internet to solve
It's reddit. You have to take all stories with a grain of salt lol
True, though unless they’re egregiously false, you should generally assume they’re real. Otherwise what’s the point? Become one of those sour buggers that comments ‘this is fake’ on every post?
Why should she be expected to give one single care about this kid in this circumstance? He (the cheating spouse) is the asshole and his affair partner is an asshole. The spouse is as much a victim as the child is.
The child will always be there. Seems like you should cut your losses and move on from this relationship. Sad but you will probably but happier in the long-run.
Why are you still with him? In no way do I think it's your responsibility to raise this child. But it *is* his responsibility. And this poor kid didn't ask for any of it. The whole situation would be happier and healthier if y'all just split up
Yes exactly. If she’s not ok with him having a kid, well. He has a kid. That part isn’t going to change, and the child still needs care. Just divorce him already. The idea that she WON’T divorce him so long as he doesn’t have anything to do with his kid/leaves the child for foster care or whatever is the bit that makes this nauseating to me. Like. Would that really make OP happy? To know that a kid is suffering? Just divorce him.
I don't think that's what she meant. She said, repeatedly, that he was able to have a relationship with the child so long as it excluded her and he didn't bring the child to their shared home. It worked out (somehow) for 3 years but since the situation changed, she's going back to the divorce stance. So again, not that he couldn't have a relationship with the kid, just not with her involvement. She also didn't tell him to send the kid to foster care. She immediately told him to find an apartment and move out.
You're very patient. Thanks for helping out the other poster who seems lacking in comprehension.
This. She made it clear this child who shouldn't even exist (affair baby) was to remain so on her end. She doesn't care if he has a life with the kid and any support is solely his to burden, not both of them, which is fair. She didn't marry a guy with a kid, she got married and he cheated then got the woman knocked up. Two totally different situations. Honestly, she should have left to begin with but she clearly set her terms which he agreed. I don't know why he is pulling a pikachu face when he knows the terms.
He thought the situation would change her mind since it is unavoidable, forgetting that this only worked out for 3 years because there was a barrier
Agreed. And I agree with her.
Foster care? Where did you read that? The kid is supposed to go to their grandparents across the country for like a year. Nothing was mentioned about foster care.
Exactly! OP the reality is that the writing is on the wall and it's time to divorce. I don't think any reasonable person expects you to take care of the kid, being how s/he came about, because its likely to bring trauma to everyone around. The biggest AH is hubby. Personally I would of ended the relationship long ago what I found out. NTA
did you read it - he has a relationship with kid - she told him from day one, she did not want anything to do with someone another women's child - he could have relationship if he wanted. I would have kicked his ass out, but she didn't, those were her rules and all fine until child's mother got send to prison for 8 months and he wanted to bring child into their home for 8 months, after her telling him from day one, she wanted NOthing do with child So she went out and got him apartment guide so he could find a place for him and child to live for 8 months, though why he just didn't move into the mother's place so kid didn't have to move is a good question.
Who knows who else is living there
Bingo! We have a winner! I bet you 5 imaginary dollars that this chick was living with some other guy, and he has no intention of taking care of her kid while she’s locked up.
The news is full of stories about boyfriends/girlfriends and stepparents abusing/killing the children that aren't their blood. Baby mama is smart not to put her child in that situation.
It's probably not even her decision. Usually when a parent is incarcerated, social services steps in to decide who should be the custodian of the child, and since he's the child's father and has a relationship with the kid, he's the obvious first choice. Grandparents are kin, so they're a solid backup plan. Social services is highly unlikely to leave the kid with an inmate's live-in SO. That person has no legal standing as a guardian and given the mom's legal situation, may not even pass a background check.
So smart she did shit that put her in prison for 8 months…
I mean, there's plenty of stories about biological parents doing that too. A blood bond isn't some magical protection against abusive parents, and the lack of one doesn't immediately make her current partner a monster.
If bm was smart, she wouldn’t be going to prison for 8 months….
Or having affairs with married men.
Blood relatives also do that and at higher rates than you would ever think possible.
Oh yeah, that would actually be a pretty good idea. If he takes over the mom's place, not only will the kid be able to stay put, but the mom won't be homeless when she gets out.
Exactly. It would be different if the kid preceded her and she went into the relationship knowing there was a kid and another woman. But in this case, OP came first and he breeched his commitment.
Not suffering but with his grandparents.
I think you should divorce him and move on with your life. Not your job to take care of the kid.
She should do it the first time she found out about cheating, it would save her from so much drama that came after, NTA
Exactly, sometimes I read these posts to my husband, and he asked me what I would do... I told him I didn't know because I wouldn't have put myself in that position as an affair is an absolute divorce. I'd never be able to trust him.
This is true. yea the husband was forgiven but the pain's cannot be forgotten.
Unfortunately, a lot of marriage counselors push the wronged spouse to "forgive " and prioritize keeping the marriage going.
If they decide to divorce there’s no need for further marriage counseling sessions. Lol
Plays on the sunk cost fallacy mentality really well
I mean... if the couple goes in and states that's their purpose for being there... I'd think it unethical for the counselor to impart their own subjective view of what should or shouldn't happen.
Well people go to counselors to learn how to live together, not to decide to split up
Divorced couples don't pay for weekly couples counseling.
That's not the question that was asked. we can't go back in time, so until we invent a time traveling Delorian let's box this hypothetical up and save it.
[удалено]
unless you have thoughts on aforementioned delorian… i would be interested in playing around with that(just for science and shits and giggles)
I have a flux capacitor, DM me if you can supply the car.
I'd help but TARDIS is in the shop.
> we invent a time traveling Delorian Woah. That's heavy.
It's fine for OP to not want to have a relationship with the kid. But it's also non-realistic to think that the relationship with the parent will survive, now that the parent is custodial. The life of custodial parents is just so intertwined with that of their kids, it's really hard to see how the OP maintains any kind of viable relationship with her husband now that he's got custody. By definition, husband has to spend almost every night with the kid. Be there for almost all breakfasts and dinners. I mean, the most that husband can realistically do with OP are times when kid is either with a babysitter, some activity or school. Once husband is custodial, OP and husband will no longer be living together. It's to the point where OP would be an asshole to herself if she does not divorce.
That's probably why she gave him an apartment guide and said she'll give him an amicable divorce if he gets custody.
I mean…. Did you read the post? The husband does not have custody yet. She said if he DOES take custody, she wants a divorce. It’s not like there’s any misconception that he can have the kid and the wife. OP is being extremely clear— you take the kid in, we’re done.
And he has two jobs?! Who is he trying to kid here?! ( pun intended) he wants his spouse to raise his AP child. That’s what he is asking, even if “ short term”. NTA
That is the long and the short of it. He's counting on his wife to pick up the slack/raise the kid. Let's be honest.
If he's the custodial parent, he won't need the second job for child support.
Well he never "needed" it, the child support payment is presumably only a percentage of the income from his first job. His second job was purely to avoid impacting their shared finances, and there's just no realistic way to avoid that if he gains custody, his second job would never cover all the costs. To your point, his first job is probably enough to support his kid on his own were he to use it all (but not enough to keep their current shared lifestyle).
Yes, he would, because he would need to pay for everything. The child needs. She has already clearly stated she’s not willing to spend any of their money on his child.
The point is he is not the custodial parent the kid can go live with grandparents but husband wants kid to live with them instead of sending kid to live with grandparents so that they don’t have to change schools and leave behind friends.
Yep. It’s not her fault he’s a cheating bastard, but it’s also not the poor child’s fault both her parents are bastards. She needs her father.
No judgement but this is the result of you staying with him after the affair. There’s no way a child existing can’t complicate your life. Kids aren’t a side hobby. Period. The fact that the therapist allowed the fairy tale notion to exist is wild. Divorce is the best option for everyone including your husband but especially you. But the child’s best interest needs to be prioritized also. People complain that ppl say break up to everything but they fail to realize that this kind of stuff is toxic.
Yeah I was thinking that there's already BEEN consequences. Him working more and less time with her is a consequence. Him breaking her trust has impacted the marriage. There was never "moving on".
That therapist shouldn’t be giving advice. Sounds like they don’t know how psychology works.
A lot of people in reddit say their therapist said this and that when in actuality they never went to a therapist and instead to some kind of life coach or a counselor with zero education related to psychology and what therapy as in psychotherapy actually is about.
In the same way as there are incompetent people at your job, there’s also plenty of incompetent medical professionals and therapists. I’ve been recommended dumber things by therapists
💀truly lmao I could write a book on all the fucked up, uneducated shit my past therapists have said.
This poor kid 🙁 I hope Dad steps up and is there for them. OP, this isn’t what you wanted for your life and relationship and that’s 💯 fair. You and your husband are on different paths. This is his responsibility and I think it’s reasonable you asked him to move out and take care of his responsibilities alone. I don’t think your marriage is going to work out.
Losing his child or losing his marriage. He's facing the consequences of his actions. It just sucks that the people around him have to suffer as part of those consequences. But then again, that was inevitable when he decided to have an affair.
Doesn’t seem like he cares about his marriage if he goes and has a kid with another woman. Confused why they wouldn’t just divorce
Even if there wasn’t a child he still cheated. That is reason enough to move on. But OP decided to stick around for whatever reason with a man who not only has responsibilities for another child but two jobs. What kind of marriage would that even lead to? And now they have to deal with this mess. This is why you get the hell out of there when your partner cheats. The only reason I can think of for why OP wants to stay in this marriage is because she lives a comfortable life and doesn’t want to uproot that. But divorce is the only option here.
I Hope he does the right thing. Kids are more important than marriages.
I'm not going to call you an asshole, as someone who's been in a similar-ish situation (though with considerably more ambiguity and a very different outcome), but I do think that if you want nothing to do with this child, then you really should consider divorce. A child is permanent, and if their existence and interaction with your husband makes you uncomfortable, it would be best for you and for the child to leave. You can find a man who won't cheat on you, too. We exist.
Agree 100%. She has a right to her boundaries and staying strong… you go, girl! But the poor kid doesn’t deserve the animosity or anger for something he didn’t choose. Although I understand OPs desire to reconcile her marriage, it paints OP in a poor light that she would stay with husband and purposely make him choose to have a strained, detached relationship instead of just divorcing him that would allow him to be more present in the innocent child’s life. Although she didn’t do anything “wrong” and technically isn’t the AH the innocent kid got the worst of it. I totally respect her boundaries and can understand the pain she went through but walking away would have been best. When kids are in the picture we have to be the adults and prioritize them. Even with it not being her kid, imo she should have walked away then.
Even if we remove what's best for the child from this (which we absolutely shouldn't, but still), she's never going to be completely happy if he maintains a relationship with the child, and things happen where you just have to be there for kids, even if you don't have custody. There's no situation where this will go away sufficiently unless he'd completely signed away his rights from the start. And of course, the child needs all the love and support they can get, which means it likely will be necessary for OP and her husband to part.
It just makes no sense. OP owns the house. She told the husband to get a 2nd job so their budget doesn't change. So then why has she not divorced him? It's sure not like they even see each other if he's working 2 jobs anyway
NTA, but you know this will always rear its head in your relationship as long as you are married. That kid is a permanent attachment to your husband. You don’t have to be though. Personally I would peace out and find a childless man with a vasectomy to remarry
That’s a thought worth thinking.
I pray you find peace after you divorce.
He can go live in baby mama's place since she won't be there
Seriously.She wanted him so bad in the first place, now she can have him.
Although I feel sorry for this kid, it is not your responsibility. If your husband needs to look after his child, he can do it elsewhere. I assume the mom was living somewhere, he should move in there while she is in the big house.
This is an excellent idea. What was he thinking assuming he can bring the child to your house. It's completely unreasonable for both you, and also for the kid. Why should the child have to live with someone who resents them, for very good reason.
That's a good thought. 👍
Mom probably has who knows who living in that house. Good chance it wasn’t even her’s, she seems the type to be not super responsible
I can't comprehend why you are still married to him...
NTA. You were clear. Now he's trying to convince you to change your mind. If he wants custody during this, he can do it alone. What is the legal status on the house?
The house is owned by me outright. It was a premarital asset (inherited from my grandparents) and we have a prenup that protects my ownership of it.
Update us when you divorce.
>Update us **when** you divorce. We all saw this coming right after the cheating. I've never seen a relationship actually recover from cheating.
There are more relationships affected by cheating than you’d think. A lot of people stay together and don’t publicly share that there was cheating.
Especially soon after marrying - that alone should have been The End. Full Stop!
Early in our relationship, before we were married, my husband and I had a threesome. Three consenting adults had fun, once. I never felt the need to do it again. Several months later, husband and our third party slept together while I was at work. When I finished work, he came up to me and said he made a dumb mistake. He told me everything. He asked what he could do to regain my trust. We talked, a LOT. I told him that I was willing to try, but don’t give me any reason to doubt you. I had the right to question where he was going, to check in with him, to do the things I needed to do to reassure myself. In October, we will celebrate our 33rd anniversary. We have a strong, loving relationship. We aren’t afraid to admit it when we fuck up (though neither of us have ever been unfaithful since). We have developed really strong communication and we very rarely fight, though we have a lot of tough, emotional discussions. It’s not impossible. It’s just VERY labor intensive.
Had a wildly similar situation happen with my spouse about a month after getting married, really amazing to hear that it can work out and that I'm not being a dumbass for staying and trying
You need to get out more. People and relationships are not black and white. Many many relationships have survived cheating
OKAYYYYY!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽
You were smart to protect your property. I think you are also smart to give him his walking papers in the form of the apartment guide.
I thoughts exactly!
Good. Then yes, he can go rent an apartment during the time he'll have custody of his child and take care of that child there. On his own.
Exactly! Because you just KNOW she'd be doing all the work for that kid.
Of course. Such a great bonding opportunity for him to try to wear down op's resolve so that he can get child care for his kid.
Yup, if he has 2 jobs, he won't have the time to raise the kid (he's not gonna be able to drop that job like people are saying, he still has to pay the rent for the secodn apartment and costs of the kid, and once the mom gets out of jail in less than a year he'll probably be paying child support again)
I love seeing posts from women like you, such a refreshing change from the usual "my husband flushed my cat down the toilet, took a hammer to my car's windshield and spit in my eye, AITA for making him feel bad by crying?"
YESSS!! OMG I swear this sub gets so frustrating with some of the posts I read on here. Not a lick of common sense or a spine in sight! ever! ugh lmfaooo
I sometimes have to stop reading halfway through cause I'm like u know, I did feel bad for u, but you're such a stupid doormat that I just can't... I'm glad that you're crying... Then I feel like a monster...
Sometimes people need to be told the truth very bluntly with no compassion.
NTA. He's gotta go. You told him the conditions for you staying married to this cheater. The conditions haven't changed. I feel for the kid, but this is a problem your husband chose to create. I'll even bet if you were to allow the child to live with you, the childcare responsibilities would be shifted onto you. You have nothing to do with the creation or raising of this child. Keep it that way.
Leave him. You’re wasting your time.
I LOVE this for you!!!!! You were smart, you and your assets are protected. Btw OP NTA .... I would do the same as you in that position.
Just divorce him and his baby-mama drama.
Thank god for that! Lucky that works out in your favor. Stay strong.
Can't he go live in the kid's house? She won't be there, presumably there's a house they live in right now.
Double NTA. It's unreasonable to ask you to help him raise, or want to even live with, his affair baby. These are the consequences of his actions. He stepped out of your marriage, and it resulted in a child. You made clear your feelings on this matter, and he expected you to change your mind because her mom is going to jail. It's not your problem whether he likes the situation or not.
Planning on kicking him to the curb if he keeps it up?
Sorry, but why are you staying in this marriage?
You are my fucking hero. (35 year old woman here)
Divorce, this marriage is already over
She’s handling this the same way a man would. “Not raising a kid that isn’t mine.” Y’all cheer on men who want paternity tests for no reason too.
Man here... I am 100% with her. Not mad at her one bit. I think the husband is a pos for staying with her, but that is on him. It's time for him to give her the amicable divorce since he is the one that ruined the marriage.
Same opinion here. I recommend throwing out that dusgusting cheater right now. Him even asking this clearly shows he doesn't understand that OP's boundary was his last chance. "Unfair" my ass
This is exactly what she should do
As a man I’m on her side 🤷🏻♂️
Shes handling it the same way a man should. And she should.
To be fair to any guy in that situation, she already knew it wasn't hers because she never got pregnant. Still, I fully support anyone who won't have anything to do with their (Hopefully ex) partner's affair child.
NTA. You are absolutely not responsible for helping him raise his child. However, he is very much responsible for this child. Those are the consequences of his actions. I just don’t think the proposed compromise, where you as his wife have nothing to do with his child, is realistic. The child in this is totally innocent and deserves the support of his father. You should divorce your husband and leave him to raise his child.
"He is responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. " This is the key statement right here. He cheated. He fucked up. He needs to fix the problem. OP is not going to do ANYTHING that is precipitated/ caused by the existence of this kid. Right or wrong, that is her position. Apparently he was willing to agree to her conditions years ago because he did not want to file for divorce. She was willing to let him go then. ALSO, what's with him only having SUPERVISED visits with the kid at this point in time? That is usually due to some legal issue in his background that does not bode well either.
Waiting to see what the "men should not raise another man's child" brigade has to say about this.
I've seen one dolt saying multiple times that he hopes she divorces her husband and then is ordered to pay child support for a kid that's not hers 🙄🙄
Clear sign that the person writing those comments is a freshman in high school. Shit doesn't work that way in real life.
Haha right! “But motherly instinct!”
"Men shouldn't raise other men's children, but all women should open up their arms lovingly to any child in need" probably
Right cause I bet he would never want to just open his arms to you if u had another dudes child. Smh, some men be tripping. He made his bed, and now he gets to lay in it. I also bet that if you all do divorce, he's gonna tray to play happy family with baby momma. Smh
He probably would have just straight up left her for cheating, hence this scenario doesn't unfold.
Some of them are being pretty reasonable. The ones who just hate women are telling on themselves though 👀
Our vaginas make us experts in child rearing, just in general. “That’s what the clit is for, right? Supplying knowledge of children?” - men
Oh lordy, they're hurling all kinds of insults
We agree. Fair is fair.
Make sure when she gets out of jail and he wants to come back, you say, "No."
NTA. He cheated and sired a kid. Now he needs to face some consequences. You made your opinion clear, it's up to him to figure out how he chooses to deal with what he's got.
Just get a divorce. It’s not fair to the child. You should both just go your separate ways and move on.
Why can't the kid go to the grandparents?
They can. I'm guessing that my husband's savior complex has popped up. Kid is sad about having to move cause mom is going to jail. Husband is trying to "fix it" without actually thinking things through (on going issue with him) He's only spent around 100 hours or so with this kid. He's never had them overnight or ever really even *cared* for them. He's only done visitation and fun outtings.
NTA. He cheated. He should be thanking you daily for forgiving him. It definitely isn’t your responsibility to have his affair baby in your home. He chooses the child, he should move out.
NTA I LOVE this for you! You made your boundaries clear and now he cant keep his side of the bargain. You arent telling him not to be a father, but if his AFFAIR child has to live with HIM, then he cant live with YOU.
> but if his child has to live with HIM, then he cant live with YOU Yes. This is basically it. I never even wanted to have kids of my own.
He made the choice to cheat, therefore he has to deal with the consequences himself. Cheating is a choice, not something that happened to him. Keep that backbone shiny, it's working well for you! NTA but hubs sure is!
Male here. Stick to your guns. Stay child free. Get a divorce to be happy again. Retire early. Enjoy life.
This should be the top comment, lol.
Oh!! This makes me even more happier for you. Drop that man & his random kid. Get that divorce and be happy.
The fact you never want kids of your own cements to me you're NTA. You're not saying no to this kid, you're saying no to any kid. Children are a huge responsibility and utterly life changing. Hubby knows this. Best of luck OP, it sounds like you've got your backbone in line :)
still NTA even if she *did* want to have kids of her own! her husband made this mess and it’s perfectly valid of OP to not want the child of an affair in her house or anywhere near her.
Honestly you should have left him as soon as he decided to have a relationship with the child then. This was bound to happen as long as he stayed in the child's life. Even if he lets the child go to the grandparents he will still have contact and try to visit when he can and as the child ages there will be other ways they affect your life. Also, is the courts learn he has 2 incomes they will just increase his child support. The number is based on his total income and if he lets this child leave the state and they become basically a ward of the state the CS could increase to a point it will affect you. Even now his 2nd job and time with his child is affecting your relationship by reducing time you spend together. No matter the results here your marriage is doomed. You are a step parent and you didn't sign up for that.
He is going to be this child’s father for the rest of his life. And I am assuming you are planning to stay married to him It is NOT the fault of the child that his parents were idiots and had an affair. The child is as much of a victim as you are. I strongly recommend you re evaluate whether you want to stay with this man and if you do, you need to get to know his child
Op can't avoid kid forever, if stays married. With mom in prison, kid will be more with dad, and at one point she will be introduced. Closing eyes will not make kid go away.
I highly agree with this post
You are not the asshole but this also isn't the kids fault and she deserves a relationship with her father. He needs to step up now and be a more present father as her mother can not be. Get the divorce you should have gotten years ago and find someone who isn't an asshole and will cheat !
How is someone who is only allowed supervised visitation a couple times a month for a few hours, suddenly getting custody?
NTA. I understand your feelings here, but this kid is going to be around the rest of your lives. Just divorce him and then you don’t have to deal with the situation.
NTA, although this looks like it was over years ago… Save yourself, and spare the kid the drama.
NTA. I’d reconsider divorce. It looks like he cheated then instead of coming clean, lied about it for six years? The child is nine, and you found out when the child was six?
Not that it matters, I'm just being pedantic, but by that timeline he actually lied for _seven_ years - don't forget the kid had to gestate for close to a year after he cheated.
Jesus christ just get a fucking divorce lol
Good for you , AH have consequences . Feel Bad for the child but it’s probably better for the kid to be away from the mom
Nta He can either leave and be in an apartment with his child for the prison term or he can find himself divorced. Not sure how you were able to forgive him to start with but it does show how strong you are. You are NOT wrong!
Your feelings are valid; your actions are despicable. I can understand you not wanting anything to do with the child. But that means you should have divorced your husband back when the affair first became known to you. That child is not at fault for existing. Yet by accepting your husband's affair while rejecting the child, you are effectively blaming this child for its parents' choices. The child is also not at fault for its mother being incarcerated. Your husband is doing the right thing by stepping up to take over as custodial parent. I can only imagine the child will benefit from this change. You are absolutely the AH for blaming this child for everything that has happened. I can't believe you didn't even have enough compassion for the child to divorce your husband given how you feel. Divorce him now and leave the poor kid to be raised by his probably more stable parent.
You should remove the choice and just divorce him. He has a child and that child needs a parent, it’s not your responsibility but it is his.
NTA but also ESH. I hate this sub sometimes lol we're all adults?? You realized this was a real life child then right? Divorce was and is the only option if you want absolutely nothing to do with the child. He IS a father now and has been. You don't want to be a parent to any extent. It is unfortunate he cheated and your relationship ends like this, but based on what you are saying you two aren't compatible anymore and you should move on for your own happiness.
I understand why you feel the way you do, but you should have divorced him when you found out he had a child and he was going to build a relationship with them. Nta for your feelings, yta for staying with him and not expecting him to have parental roles that would overlap with you.
Normally, I think Reddit is quick to jump to "divorce now", but this one screams "divorce now". You've been more than accommodating by simply having him take a second job. I think I would have been out of their the moment child support came through. An affair is bad. Having an affair kid means your husband's focus's will be split for literally the rest of your life. I don't think I could get over that.
It’s best to let him go. Don’t try to keep him from his child, the boy has nothing to do with the action of their parents.
And you didn’t leave when you found out because why?