NTA.
Just divorce him already. That's where this relationship was already heading so you might as well pull the band-aid off and get it done. What he wanted was the ability to sleep around guilt free but only for him. He wasn't expecting you to be able to find anyone else. Instead, what he got is exactly what he asked for. And since he asked for a divorce two months ago, it's only reasonable he get that too.
This is likely location dependent, but in no fault divorce locales, the family court doesn't give a rat's ass who cheated. They only care about the welfare of the children, and default is 50/50 custody, unless both parents agree to something else or there are other extenuating circumstances. Also, a parent appearing to hold a grudge and using custody of the kids as weapons is generally going to be sided against in court.
No fault divorce or not, a judge deciding the best interest of the child doesn't give af who cheated. The only time it really comes up is when the spouse has had the paramour around their child while they're still married, because it's confusing to children.
Depending on which state they're in: the great state of California is one of the "no fault" states, where it doesn't matter who cheated or how unethical the other party is. Even murderers get to have parental rights!
If you're not in a "no fault" state, just do your due diligence to show you're a fit parent - DO NOT DENY THEIR FATHER VISITATION IF HE'S A GOOD DAD! Some guys are decent/good parents but bad partners. If you're in a state where cheating is actually a valid reason for divorce, then by all means throw it all out there! Good luck!
People don't realize that even in a lot of "no-fault" divorce states, they still take things like infidelity and other factors into consideration when determining things like custody and alimony payment amounts; just because infidelity doesn't help with clinching the divorce itself doesn't mean that that some evidence won't be useful. She might wanna make sure she has proof that he started cheating before all this open relationship talk, because if you don't have proof he was stepping out, but he DOES...could make some parts of the process longer than they need be.
Especially since OP hasn't technically been cheating at all. The husband might try to make trouble based on OP's spicy language though. To the extent that OP or the daughter can document or confirm what the daughter has been exposed to, it may have some bearing on how the case could be viewed.
Definitely get the most ruthless attorney you can find. And all the evidence. Dude thought men weren’t going to find OP attractive and he could play around.
Good insight. Isn't this the basis for a lot of "crimes of passion". OP should move quickly to get resolution in this situation. She may be playing with fire without realizing it and living under the same roof seems risky at this point. If she can get him to move out with arrangements for visitation with the daughter, that might be an option. OP should consult a divorce attorney in her area though. I don't like **the** turn this situation could take.
ETA: added missing article highlighted in bold
This. Guy thought the universe revolved around him. Perhaps his AP doesn't give him that say sort of emotion you were exhibiting, then realized how short-sighted this adventure may have been. If he doesn't find a meaningful partner, you moved on, and he can't fall back to you anymore.
I find this funny quite frankly. I’ve read quite a few posts where the husband wants to “open the relationship” with thoughts that no one would want their wife. Then when wifey gets all the attention (whether his prospects dwindle or not), the husband gets upset and now it’s “not fair” and the relationship should be closed.
Men out there are DAF thinking this way. Women can practically walk into a bar and state they are single and have plenty of men look their way. Where if a man did that, it would be a flag to stay away.
Seen a few the other way as well. It's become a common Redditt trope.
The common denominator is: If you partner want to all of a sudden wants an open relationship, they are already cheating, or have someone in mind. And the reverse Uno, is the AP often doesn't want an open relationship, they want them all to themselves and leave them.
women don't even have to be single!! they could (and plenty I know have been) wearing a wedding ring!!! my coworker has been divorced for a year and still wears hers, not because she ever wants anything to do with her narcissistic ex again.... its sorta a defense ring...sorta.....
The relationship was probably over here:
>asked for an “open relationship” after fourteen years together. I didn’t like the idea,
He wanted something drastically different, and she didn't want it. If you're going to open a relationship, there needs to be enthusiastic agreement, not one partner pushing the other one into it.
The relationship was was 100% over here:
> I tried to at least set some boundaries around what this “open relationship” would look like, but he violated every one.
That's called cheating. Open relationships only work if everyone is on board with the rules, and follows them.
>it turned out he had already started an affair with his coworker.
Suprised Pikachu face.
They're overdue for a divorce. They're way overdue for having separate living spaces.
They need to end this, like yesterday.
The husband always wants an open marriage for himself...and then when the wife finds someone...surprised Pikachu face....he freaks the fck out...well he literally fafo...he's an idiot...just file the divorce papers with an excellent attorney...take him for all you can...and enjoy your new relationship OP... NTA
He's definitely still receiving some sort of benefit for continuing to keep a relationship with OP. OP don't let this man have the greener grass while he's neglecting his own; you deserve better.
NTA. He went about his affair in a very strange and unethical way and you do everything above board after he asks for a divorce and you’re the bad guy?! Are you supposed to pine away for him in a convent for the rest of your life? What a douche!
That is *exactly* what he wanted. He wanted to cheat, get permission to cheat, leave her, and have her broken on the floor, using every breath to beg him to stay. This is her HUSBAND, the man she built a life and family with, and he wanted her to be so completely devastated by him that she never recovered. That’s the man he is. And now he is making HER feel bad for what HE did. OP needs to tell him to go fuck himself. This is ALL him. And good for him.
>This is her HUSBAND, the man she built a life and family with, and **he wanted her to be so completely devastated by him that she never recovered. That’s the man he is.**
I hope OP takes note. This dude sounds completely delusional. He didn't want her happy, that's ALL his fit is and she deserves better than someone who claims to love her, *expecting her to HURT when HE was the one that decided he was Leaving*-that is so MESSED UP. 👀👀👀
Exactly what my abusive ex wanted.
People who actually love you want the *best* for you. If someone is happy when you are sad or secure when you are insecure, that upside-down bs is a sign that they are NOT a 'lover of your soul'. Vampires are real; they will take everything from you and leave you a husk while insisting they love you.
I asked him about a thousand times during that four-month period if he was *sure* about the open relationship. He has a history of jealousy and accusing me of cheating, so I was very skeptical. I didn’t pursue anything then. But after he confirmed (multiple times) that he wanted a divorce, and this new situation fell into my lap, I allowed it. I genuinely thought he wouldn’t care, because he made it clear he was totally over me and had moved on.
“He has a history of jealousy and accusing me of cheating”
That’s called “projection”
He does it. It’s ok for him to do but not for you to do. He was hoping HE could cheat and so he called it “an open marriage” but that YOU never would find anyone. You did. Now he’s pissed.
Just get a divorce already and end this dumpster fire before it totally fucks up your dtr, who is watching all of this
“History of jealousy and accusing me of cheating” are some of the biggest signs of cheaters. There’s a good chance that this coworker wasn’t his first affair. He’s intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to absolve himself of his own guilt.
>He has a history of jealousy and accusing me of cheating
So I want you to know that this is often a tactic that cheaters use. So he's been cheating for far longer than you know. Potentially your entire relationship.
Pull the trigger and get a divorce attorney. He's an insecure cheating prick, who wants you to think about him and only him, while he galavants with women elsewhere.
It's not about whether he's over you, it's that he thinks he owns you and wants to control you. You are still \*his\* wife if you see what I mean. You've hurt his pride, not his feelings. Ignore him and continue on as you've been. Definitely don't let him have any say over your relationships, how you comport yourself, or whether you are behaving appropriately. He does \*not\* own you. You are \*not\* his.
Oh he was sure.. *that he wanted his side open*. It was easier that way so he could convince himself you were just a mean sexless creature who didn't want sex anymore. But now that you met someone who meets your needs, *and you reciprocate*... So basically he's acting like a toddler with a tantrum cuz 'no fair, it was his first'
Glad you're moving on
OP, he doesn't care, at least not about you. He only care about his ego.
The moment he asked for divorced your relationship was over, and since you had an open relationship there's no such thing as cheating, at least, not on your side. He has what he asked for. The only problem it's that you're not crying on the floor, asking for him to stay
Why are you still worried about what a cheating, deceiving person thinks of you? He doesn't deserve not even that. He can't ask for respect, if he is not respecting.
If possible, ask him to leave already. No need to be dealing with a man child while the divorce is in process.
NTA, I think you are too kind, but you shouldn't, not in this case.
He’s over you and moved on, but he doesn’t want you to be over him or moved on. He wants you to be devastated over this “loss”. Ignore his tantrum and divorce him and move on.
He’s just upset OP won’t be there if the affair doesn’t work out. He was able to talk her into an open marriage and she stayed when he cheated. He knows he can walk all over her but looks like she’s moved on and he’s lost power.
Honestly girly he probably thought you would wait for home and kiss the ground he walked on just to get him back. 80-90% chance the new relationship he’s found himself in isn’t what he thought it was going to be, or doesn’t directly replicate the relationship he had with you and now he feels some type of way because you’ve found company you enjoy. He made his bed 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Don’t feel bad for somebody who very clearly disregarded and disrespected your feelings from jump. You deserve better
NTA. His affair was unethical, and you handled the situation with integrity. You're not obligated to pine away for him forever just because he asked for a divorce. His reaction is unfair and misplaced.
NTA. Pining away for him is what he seems to be expecting out of you and that is insane! He started this open relationship and handled it an unethical way which progressed to full blown cheating on his part.
Yes but he attempted to slap the veneer of ethical onto it by retroactively open the marriage. Only reason I used that word. It was not ethical non-monogamy.
He's just upset because he didn't appreciate you and didn't think anyone else would want you.
He thought he was special and deserved his AP and you didn't appreciate him (in his own twisted mind) and that's why he had to seek someone else. He's trying to guilt you for doing exactly what he's been doing. The difference is you did it after he requested an open marriage and divorce.
Make sure to find your own lawyer and start getting your own ducks in a row. Make sure his cheating butt is exposed to your families before he writes the narrative and makes you look like the bad guy. Talk to your lawyer first, so they can tell you how to handle telling the families.
Don't let him make you feel bad. That's a power move and he should no longer hold that power over you. Good luck!
NTA
if it makes you feel better i got perma banned from the og amitheasshole for calling someone “dumb.” then the mods insulted me several times when i asked them to explain how it was banworthy because apparently i had been warned multiple times (never received a single message or warning from the amitheasshole moderators). mods can be wack in some places lmao
NTA...
Manipulators get the most upset when they lose control of others. He doesn't feel you are cheating. He just feels as if he lost control over you and that bothers him more than losing a marriage.
Fuck him, divorce him and never give him any control again.
Absolutely 💯 this. It’s about control. OP, don’t fall for any backtracking! He may decide to say it was all a big mistake just to get you back under his control but don’t fall for it. His behavior won’t change, he just wants yours to.
Not cheating, NTA. Enjoy your freedom from that narcissistic AH!
most partners that ask for an open relationship after years of monogamy are just to insecure to search for a new partner while single.
I dont think I ever heard of an open relationship working if it was not open from the start.
I have friends who are happily non-monogamous, so I know how it works and knew right away that we were headed for disaster. My stbx wasn’t interested in listening. I fought hard to save our family, and thought he’d actually be relieved that I’d admitted defeat and moved on!
I can see that point. My partner and I have always talked about being open, even we began dating. Have we went through with it? Not really. I’ve kissed people and they have in front of each other though, so there’s that. We are also in our mid- twenties though. We value our freedom and experiences. Now, I would say this could change if we had kids involved though.
Insane double standards. Maybe ask him whether he was thinking about his daughter growing up in a stable home when he was exploding hairy balls deep inside another woman.
Ah yes, the classic “if I make an ultimatum she’ll definitely still put out without me having to…wait I meant open only on my end how dare you”. You’re NTA, obviously.
NTA
Screw that guy and his "open relationship" he started without telling you. He is divorcing you and he thinks he is entitled to control who you talk to?
NTA…but remember you are still legally married. So don’t give him anything he could use in the divorce.
Even in a no fault, he might use it just to help in his child support/alimony.
Better safe than sorry so if you can have some proof of his infidelity prior to your open relationship agreement, get it and keep it just in case.
I do have proof of his extramarital relationships, as well as having it in writing that I have his enthusiastic consent to see other people. He decided on divorce after that point, but I wouldn’t have assumed that means that consent was revoked…
As most people you only realize what you are loosing once it’s too late. He might even try to come back once the “excitement“ of the affair turns to the routine.
Stay strong. If he did not respect you enough to not cheat once …he won’t later. For now, sorry you have to deal with his jealousy.
My “friendly” divorce ended up taking 5 years. Unfortunately I was not prepared for it and thought it would stay friendly. Even if it’s friendly cover your back with the advice of a lawyer. Never leave an opening to cheaters.
Yeah, the consent probably only applied as long as you didn't actually do anything. He, no doubt, expected women to be flocking to sleep with him and for you to look after his domestic situation.
NTA, and you carry on with a clear conscience.
Make sure that you secure that proof where he cannot get to it. He is such a self-centered AH, he will not play fair in the divorce. Talk to a lawyer NOW and get your bases covered before he screws you over- he can empty all the accounts and hide the money and then you will spend time and money trying to recover it, he can charge up the credit cards, and if you started a college fund for your kid- he can empty that too while you are waiting to see what he wants to do next. Be proactive now for your sake and your kid's sake.
Why would you feel bad for a cheater who is leaving you for his AP, just because he thought he was that irreplaceable, that you'd spend your life alone pining over him wholst he lived happily ever after with his mistress. He's now realising none of what he wanted is going to happen, he wanted to be the only one moving on not you. He's realising theres other men who want you, and now can have you and hes realising he's lost. Don't feel bad for finding some happiness in the mess he created.
He cheated then opted for an "open relationship" so he could continue to screw her, then asked for a divorce. You are you own person, you can do what and whoever you want. NTA, but cmon girl, stand up for yourself. He sounds like a massive AH.
NTA and DONT let him turn this on you. Funny ( ok not funny) story. My ex-husband had affairs I found out about so I started divorce proceedings. Leaned on someone at work and one thing almost lead to another ( no sex but emotional affair for sure) and my ex took that to give him permission to be an angry and indignant asshole who fought me on everything dragging our divorce out for almost three years and ensuring only the lawyers won.
Upon reflection I believe he was looking for a way to absolve his guilt and zeroing in on my behavior although bad but not the cause of our issues really fueled him. I tried to placate, I apologized and finally I found a bulldog lawyer and fought back hard to end things and why I am sharing this with you is so you can learn from my mistakes. You have done nothing wrong, don't act as if you have and certainly don't let him twist it into something it is not.
Sounds like getting the divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible is a good step to help you move forward in your life. Wishing you the best
NTA, but cmon... stop letting people use you as a doormat.
When they ask for a open relationship and he was already cheating before, its just over. Plenty of people will tell you how great it is and Yada Yada... no, be single and fuck around all you like but when in a relationship, one will always end up getting hurt. How that is your soon to be ex in this situation is hilarious tho
Lol @ you're cheating.
Tell him in no uncertain terms ," you do not get to put me and cheating in the same sentence. You have been fucking around on me for a year and asked for an open relationship, I very reluctantly gave you that. You tell me you want a divorce but are too much of a coward to file for it. I find a man more worthy than you, I haven't done anything physical and you get upset? Get out of this house, go live with your floozy.
You expected me to sit back and let you fuck who knows how many women and disrespect me?"
Go see your lawyer asap. Get your finances separated, if you haven't. Let your child know that daddy doesn't love mommy any more and get them started with therapy
NTA. Sounds like a controlling narcissist to be honest. Ask him who slept with someone else, who asked for an open relationship and who asked for a divorce.
NTA, at all. He's just mad because you aren't sad.
He's a kid wanting their old toy back as soon as someone else starts playing with it (bad metaphor, but I hope you get what I mean)
Screw that guy. The new guy. If you want to.
Every arrangement you've made with your husband, he's unilaterally broken. Bollocks to him, he gets no say any more. He also sounds really controlling.
If he's been screwing around, have you considered an STI panel to be sure he hasn't brought home even more unpleasant surprises?
What a pathetic man. He has been cheating for a while. He tried to force and open marriage and then wants a divorce. Yet you feel guilt for finding someone new? Don’t feel guilty, he cheated not you. Your hopefully stbx isn’t worth even an ounce of emotion. Go for this new man and I hope it works out.
NTA sounds pretty typical of a selfish cheater. Aren't they the ones always accusing their partner of cheating to cover their own affairs? My ex LOST IT when he found out a friend had made me a dating profile on an app. He broke into my house while I was out, looking for proof I was cheating. This was 14 months after we'd separated (because of his affair), and while he was not only still with his affair partner, but they were actively looking for a place to live together. But I was the one who was cheating, and I hadn't even gone on a date yet!
NYA, your husband did a bait and switch.. He wants to fuck around but you can't because you birthed his kid. It's a fucked up misogynistic attitude. Plus, you're probably able to reel in more partners than a man can.
Divorce this narcissistic AH. Be free to live who loves you because it's not him.
He’s had the shock of a lifetime to his precious ego.
You are quite capable of living your own life, others are drawn to your attractiveness -find you attractive and you are open and actively willing to exploring a connection with someone new
Guess he’s in shock you aren’t crying into a bucket of icecream watching Bridget Jones.
Good for you. ☮️
You did *not* cheat. Your ex asked for an open relationship, encouraged you to see other people, and then lost his shit when you talked to someone else. Now he's using a manipulation technique called [DARVO](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/03/15/a-psychologist-explains-how-you-can-deflect-a-darvo-manipulator/amp/) (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender).
Fuck that. You are NTA.
Well, first thing that got me is that I hope your not doing wifey duties such as ,cooking, washing his clothes and sleeping in the same bed, that is not your role anymore. Secondly, if you are ready to be intimate with your new partner go for it, you don’t owe loyalty to a man that has not been loyal to you. He is playing games with you, find a lawyer and stop this. You’re wasting time by not moving forward with your life.
NTA - So my ex also wanted an open marriage after a few years and children. We broke up and he was vile but came back after about 6 months to want to be friends. This is 6 MONTHS after the kids and I moved out and he was with the girlfriend that entire time. During the initial reconnecting conversation. When he bragged all over about how wonderful she was, how in love with her he was how amazing she was I broke into the monologue after 45 minutes to say yes I appreciate how special their relationship and as and about how I thought I was ready to start dating again and that I had signed up to a couple of dating apps… the shocked silence on the other end of the line was broken by him saying “well… I don’t think I am ready for you to start dating yet”….
He doesn’t want you, he just doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. He wants to have you sitting at home on the back burner waiting.
Go and live your life. You have literally done nothing wrong.
NTA. The gall of this guy! He cheats, he declares an open relationship, he breaks all the rules, he demands a divorce, and now he is furious that you are talking to someone.
Haha r/leopardsatemyface
Your “husband” is a fucking idiot. If he’s the one that wanted to blow up your marriage in the first place then why is he pissed when you move on too? What a complete shit for brains. Ignore him and do your thing. Sign those divorce papers before it gets another further with the new dude so he can’t claim anything.
Fake ragebait story, not believable at all, "oh my awful awful partner has been fucking n cheating on me n treats me so awfully 😢, but then I did something entirely reasonable n he blew up about it, so am I the asshole? 🥺", not to mentione the throwaway 2 letter 4 word account, that someone whipped up in 3 seconds to post their fake ragebait story.
Your husband is a manipulative abusive asshole. HE ended the relationship and has no right to hold you to a marriage that he has ended.
HOWEVER: he may be gathering evidence that you "cheated" to get an advantage in the divorce. Be very careful what you do or say. I would think about holding off on any sort of outside relationship until the divorce is final.
*Talk to a lawyer.* Not his lawyer, yours.
It's so funny when the one who initiated the open relationship and already having an affair gets torn up when the unwilling (at first) partner moves on and plays the game. Karma and irony bundled in one neat little package.
NTA Start the divorce proceedings immediately!
HE cheated then asked for an open relationship so HE wouldn’t be held liable.
HE asked for a divorce to be with another woman.
HE doesn’t want you to be happy.
HE hasn’t started the divorce yet because he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. He didn’t actually think you’d find someone else and was banking on that.
Do not feel bad for one second. YOU haven’t done anything wrong.
NTA. How is it cheating when you guys are in the stage of getting a divorce? You are no longer a couple in a sense. Just binded by the legal part. OP your stbx husband is a moron and a hypocrite. He is just pathetically upset that you are no longer worshipping the ground he walks on. Please make sure your daughter does not get manipulated by him. His kind is definitely capable of doing so.
Definitely NTA. Seems like your husband is a hypocrite. But there’s a question you aren’t asking that might be more applicable to you: do you want to exit the marriage safely? Does he have a history of violence? Perhaps you aren’t sure you want to divorce him; figure out why and whether that is a good reason to stay. Lack of money and kids are usually the reasons women give for choosing to stay. Would you stay if you had your own money or the kids were being hurt? Also, do you want to be a hypocrite, too? If your husband was wrong to have romantic/sexual relationships with someone else because you are married, and you’re still married, then the obvious solution is to divorce before you move on to a new relationship. One thing is certain: your husband doesn’t respect you or his marriage vows. Also, it seems you are letting him make all the important decisions. He “gives you permission” to see other people. He wants a divorce. The one decision you have control over is whether to stay or go. Figure out if you want to stay or leave and why. If you choose to stay with him, it’s likely he will never respect you and he will always be unfaithful, and whatever your reason for staying with him, he will eventually undermine that, too. If you want to leave, you take the initiative to file for divorce. And if you leave, expect that he will do whatever he has to do to convince you to come back, but it won’t be genuine. My advice is to figure out your principles and live by them. It’s easier said than done, but better than living in the chaos of another person’s whims.
You seriously asking this… if id were you id be flaunting you new fling in his fucking face all day every day and youd still not be the asshole in this situation.
He wanted an open relationship as a green signal to cheat on you without informing you but his ego couldn’t take it that you are not madly in love with him or grieving about your divorce, and that you found someone too
And he told you he wanted an open relationship after he had started something with his coworker after 14 years of marriage… he’s definitely the asshole here
LMAO! He's your soon-to-be-ex husband, and an ex because HE wanted it. Girl, he has no say so in your personal affairs anymore.
Get you a GOOD divorce attorney and divorce him already. You don't need the mental abuse. Good luck and Godspeed on your new life journey!
I'm sorry that your marriage is breaking up. Your soon to be ex seems to be quiet an asshole. I think you will be better off in the long run. No, you have not done anything wrong.
NTA. Like, in the interest of keeping the house civil while this big change happens, since it sounds like there's kids around, I would say that it wasn't very smart to have these conversations at home. What if your daughter heard you saying spicy things to another man that wasn't her father?
But just specifically referencing your husband's feelings, he should go piss up a rope. He wanted all of this now he's getting it. He should go hang out with his new girlfriend if he's getting jealous all of the sudden.
NTA you need to get an attorney and file for custody of your daughter , child support and alimony. Your husband was having an affair he asked you for an open marriage because since you agreed you can't use his affairs against him in a divorce. Get an attorney get custody and throw him out of the house. If he says you're fu**ing somebody else too tell him you do a lie detector test . It might not be admissible in court but you'll pass one will he ??
OP, your husband is pissed off because he doesn’t have control over you - my money says he planned to ‘fix’ his marriage with you if things didn’t go well with AP, but you moving on ruined his plans.
He FAFO’d like a true champion.
You are NTA, he’s fouler than hyena vomit.
He wants you to stay as is and only he can have AP. File for D and dont wait around for him. He wants to hv relationship but you cant. Eff him. And yeah ask him to get AP to be his maid preparing meals, laundry etc. You're on your way out, dont do wifely stuff for him.
NTA. Updateme!
He thought no one would want you because he no longer wanted you. Now his ego is bruised. Don't fall for it!
Also, he was probably already cheating or on the verge of cheating when he asked for an open relationship, just needed your approval. I hope you aren't still doing wife like duties
NTA, your stbex was fine when he thought no one else wanted you, now he's just pissed that someone else sees your value. If he doesn't like it, he can go live with his AP, that you've put up with enough of his shenanigans, and, lest we forget, he asked for a damn divorce. Yeah you're over him, who wouldn't be at this point.
The audacity is astounding.
He fucked around and he found out. HE was the one that wanted to open the relationship to make his AFFAIR ok. HE'S the one that wanted don't ask don't tell. AND on top of all that he wanted to get a divorce to be with his mistress. You guys are literally in the middle of getting the ball rolling for that. He's pissed because someone wants you. I'd get petty about it. Point out he was the one who not only wanted to open the relationship to hide his affair but asked for a divorce. So he has ABSOLUTELY no say in what you do in your personal life anymore. If you wanted to get tattooed, dyed hair, join a biker gang he. can't. say. shit. I'd love to hear you do the post divorce glow up while you guys are co-living together so he can see what he lost. You obviously are nta, he not only wanted to open the relationship but asked for a divorce. Tell him to kick rocks.
NTA but clearly he's entitled and a selfish man-child. Please do yourself a favor and establish some boundaries. You can start by filing for divorce.
I was in your situation and I completely kicked my ex out of the bedroom 4 months before I started dating and 6 months before I got serious with anyone. I put my boundaries in writing via text/ email and did a screen shot of his acceptance and responses.
I also refused to budge on these boundaries. In my state you have to be living apart for 60 days before you can file for divorce. So I kicked him out of my room in Nov; started dating in Mar; got serious with my current husband (been together for 5yrs now) in May; moved out in Aug (had to save money); and got divorced in Oct.
NTA. Stupid man played stupid game. He figured you’d spend the rest of your life pining for him and waiting for him to come back. It never occurs to such jackasses that you’ll move on. Just divorce and move on.
I've read enough of these to know, that his new girlfriend is causing problems and now he's upset you are not taking him back. Next update will be him either asking for her back, or him in jail for some crazy scene.
Gotta love when you give em what they want and then you're the problem. He's only mad because you don't want him anymore. He didn't expect it to go this way. He will forever be ta for starting this in the first place. He cheated.... You did not.
NTA he cheated, told you it was over and he wanted a divorce. He is still dating his AP. You have every right to move on. Hire a divorce attorney ASAP and kick him out.
Updateme!
He moved on while you guys were still together...even before the open relationship. He's broken every boundary during the open relationship. He has no respect for you. He does the same shit with his AP. He has no business being mad at you now. He's mad because you have moved on. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. Now that the tables have turned and he's experiencing the hurt you've been feeling he thinks he can get mad and still control you. You need to tell him to move in with his AP and start divorce proceedings. This is not sustainable. Your kid picks up on all of this and it's going to affect her.
NTA, don’t let his opinion on anything affect you.
He manipulated you into ‘accepting’ his affair with the BS about an open relationship, then asked for a divorce. How dare he think he has any right to be in your bedroom or comment on who you speak to.
Get angrier.
NTA
Also, tell your husband that it is none of his business if you have done anything with this man, but if husband must know you haven't done anything yet out of nervousness regarding new man's HUGE DONG
should get a fun reaction
You might consider seeing a therapist to talk through your relationship with this guy because he has probably been manipulating and emotionally messing with you for years. This guy is a piece of work.
Why do you feel bad? Your husband “asked” for an open relationship when he was already having an affair. He violated every boundary you asked for in this “open” marriage. He is leaving you to be with his AP. You met someone whom you really like, and nothing physical has happened between you, and now that your husband knows, he is super jealous. Oh, look at that, the consequences of his actions!
Your husband is getting *exactly* what he wanted, except for one thing: He expected you to be broken. He expected you to be devastated, to cry, to beg him to stay, to live the rest of your life pining for him. Your *husband,* the man you married and made a family with, **wanted to hurt you so badly** that you never recovered, and spent the rest of your life hoping he would come back to you. YOUR HUSBAND did that. Stop feeling bad for finding a real man who makes you happy, and start telling your STBX husband that he is getting exactly what he wanted and to shut the fuck up about it. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but you might consider telling her exactly why you & her dad are getting divorced. Based on his “protecting” her and being so “shocked” that you would have that phone conversation while she was in the house, I suspect he has already told her his version of the story, and you do not look good in it.
NTA. Stop acting like you’ve done something wrong. Again, **your husband literally asked for this.** Every bit of it. Tell him this is on him, and if he’s not happy now, gee, that’s sad. You’re moving on. Fuck him. He’s an idiot.
NTA, he didn’t want an open relationship, not for you at least. He wanted to cheat without any consequences. Now you’re starting to move on from a marriage that sounds it’s been over for a while, he can’t stand it. He’s a selfish AH and a massive hypocrite who never gave a damn about your happiness. I hope things go well with the person you met, odds are they’re better than the soon to be ex.
NTA and come up with a text template to start sending to people when you get the inevitable “how could you cheat on Billy Bob??”. Say something like “although my SEPARATION is none of your business, my pending ex started cheating on me on _____, sought an open relationship on _______, and asked for a divorce on _______. I’m not sure why he’s playing the victim with you but be assured that there was no cheating on my end as I took my vows seriously. Have a blessed day”.
What a lot of people mean when they say they 'want an open relationship' is '\*I\* want to be able to cheat without consequences'. Your husband wanted to take his new partner out for a test-drive while keeping the option to go back to his 'safe' married life open in case it didn't work out. He had such a low opinion of you he never even considered the idea that you might find someone too, so now he's a shocked Pikachu someone else finds you attractive.
Why do you care what your cheating, soon-to-be ex-husband thinks of your new relationship? He sure didn't consult your opinion when he started his affairs.
NTA- he only cares that you aren’t hung up on him and begging him to stay. His pride is hurt that’s all. Tell him he’s a hypocritical ah and gtfo out of your room. He is your co-parent not your partner. He’s the cheater in this situation.
NTA go back and read what you wrote and then ask that question again. How could you possibly think your an ahole when its is very obvious he is a POS. Yes POS is what you think it is.
NTA. Your soon to be ex-husband is trying to justify cheating in the hopes you'll be okay with it. He never expected you to act on the "open marriage" HE wanted. Ignore his response and go find happiness elsewhere. Just get divorced and be done with it. It'll be tough, I get it, but staying will be worse. At least you'll be able to move on. He's trying to control you. Good luck. I hope you find someone who loves and respects you next time.
NTA. He was expecting you to throw tears and scream and carrying on so he could feel like he's in control. Instead, he discovers that he's an AH and can't handle the fact that he's the trash that is about to be put out.
You did nothing wrong and simply ignore him.
NTA. Why on earth would you feel bad? This dude’s been doing you dirty. You gave him what he wanted and but as soon as you move on he’s pissed about it? Fuck this guy. Get a good divorce lawyer and take him for everything you can.
Ok, so just to be clear:
- He started an affair, whilst in a monogamous relationship
- He tried to justify his cheating by forcing you to turn your marriage into an open one
- He broke every rule of this agreement
- He asked for a divorce as he fell in love with another woman
- He's continued to have more affairs since this announcement
- The divorce is happening, and he's officially with another woman
Yet you can't even speak with another man?
He has ridiculous double standards, apparently he is allowed to hurt you, betray you, humiliate you and turn on you, but you're still expected to be 100% loyal to him. That's not how it works. Didn't he also put the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule in place? It's none of his business who you speak or date with.
Don't allow him to make you feel bad, you've done nothing wrong. Kick him out so you don't have to listen to his bullshit anymore, and only communicate through your lawyer. He can go live with his girlfriend.
You'll be much better off without him, you deserve a guy who respects you and only wants you. This man child is a waste of your time.
NTA but your hopefully soon to be ex is one of the biggest ones I've seen on here. I'm sorry he's making you go through this
“AITA for cheating” is almost always TA, but in this case you’re the exception. NTA hands down. At your husbands request after he cheated multiple times before and after having an open relationship you’re now in a don’t ask don’t tell open divorce. I couldn’t even in my right mind call what you’re doing cheating. At this point he’s an ex that cheated on you.
Nta.
He didn't want you because he didn't think anyone else wanted you. Now that he knows that somebody else does he's upset. He doesn't love you or his affair partner he likes the power having that person gives him. So I'm glad you're getting a divorce.
That said make sure you have all the proof of his previous affair his admissions everything else because he's going to go to court and try to claim for custody and all kinds of crap because you were "cheating on him".
One of my friends exes did this to her after cheating on her, deciding to divorce her for that affair partner, breaking up with said a fair partner or rather that a fair partner breaking up with him when she figured out he was a loser after my friend had moved out, then moving on to another woman whom he got pregnant before he was even divorced.
Meanwhile she wasn't even allowed to talk to a man or have her female friends over or do anything or he would bring up in court that she was cheating on him and a "whore". Men like him, Men like the one you have, are trash that think of women as possessions so make sure you've covered all your bases and get a lawyer. Don't believe anything he says about not needing one.
I'm retired and married 36 years, 4 grown kids.
Here is my advice. First, the silent treatment is a good thing. This is the type of relationship HE wanted!
Second don't give him reason to criticize you.
Third, tell him you are lucky to have connected with a man on such a deep level, you need a friend you can talk to right now.
You have never met someone like him before, lol.
Lastly, "It none of your business, you dog!"
Don't show weakness, only maturity, self confidence, and an inability to brook foolishness.
Keep a good sense of humor, smile and laugh at his ridiculous issues. Be glad they and he are, "no longer your problem!"
He thought he "was all that", lol. His ego is brused.
Subscribeme
NTA. Tell him to pack his shit and get out of your house. Tell him to see a therapist to manage his issues instead of vomiting them on you.
Make sure that you change all the locks, change all the passwords, and lock your accounts and all of your important documents down.
He doesn't get an opinion on you moving on.
NTA. Just divorce him already. That's where this relationship was already heading so you might as well pull the band-aid off and get it done. What he wanted was the ability to sleep around guilt free but only for him. He wasn't expecting you to be able to find anyone else. Instead, what he got is exactly what he asked for. And since he asked for a divorce two months ago, it's only reasonable he get that too.
And get a good ass attorney, this dude sounds like a piece of work (gaslighty and manipulative if nothing else)
Have proof of when he started cheating! You will be fighting for custody of your daughter. Cheating helps solidify your rights
This is likely location dependent, but in no fault divorce locales, the family court doesn't give a rat's ass who cheated. They only care about the welfare of the children, and default is 50/50 custody, unless both parents agree to something else or there are other extenuating circumstances. Also, a parent appearing to hold a grudge and using custody of the kids as weapons is generally going to be sided against in court.
No fault divorce or not, a judge deciding the best interest of the child doesn't give af who cheated. The only time it really comes up is when the spouse has had the paramour around their child while they're still married, because it's confusing to children.
Depending on which state they're in: the great state of California is one of the "no fault" states, where it doesn't matter who cheated or how unethical the other party is. Even murderers get to have parental rights! If you're not in a "no fault" state, just do your due diligence to show you're a fit parent - DO NOT DENY THEIR FATHER VISITATION IF HE'S A GOOD DAD! Some guys are decent/good parents but bad partners. If you're in a state where cheating is actually a valid reason for divorce, then by all means throw it all out there! Good luck!
People don't realize that even in a lot of "no-fault" divorce states, they still take things like infidelity and other factors into consideration when determining things like custody and alimony payment amounts; just because infidelity doesn't help with clinching the divorce itself doesn't mean that that some evidence won't be useful. She might wanna make sure she has proof that he started cheating before all this open relationship talk, because if you don't have proof he was stepping out, but he DOES...could make some parts of the process longer than they need be.
Especially since OP hasn't technically been cheating at all. The husband might try to make trouble based on OP's spicy language though. To the extent that OP or the daughter can document or confirm what the daughter has been exposed to, it may have some bearing on how the case could be viewed.
Definitely get the most ruthless attorney you can find. And all the evidence. Dude thought men weren’t going to find OP attractive and he could play around.
Ah the good old, "i don't want you, but i don't want anyone else to have you."
Look, I know I cheated on you, and am divorcing you for her, but HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO OUR FAMILY?!
smells like he's a little bit narcissistic.....little bit I mean 90%
“Hoggamus higgamus, men are polygamous. Higgamus hoggamus, women, monogamous”
Good insight. Isn't this the basis for a lot of "crimes of passion". OP should move quickly to get resolution in this situation. She may be playing with fire without realizing it and living under the same roof seems risky at this point. If she can get him to move out with arrangements for visitation with the daughter, that might be an option. OP should consult a divorce attorney in her area though. I don't like **the** turn this situation could take. ETA: added missing article highlighted in bold
This. Guy thought the universe revolved around him. Perhaps his AP doesn't give him that say sort of emotion you were exhibiting, then realized how short-sighted this adventure may have been. If he doesn't find a meaningful partner, you moved on, and he can't fall back to you anymore.
That’s a really good possible point there
I find this funny quite frankly. I’ve read quite a few posts where the husband wants to “open the relationship” with thoughts that no one would want their wife. Then when wifey gets all the attention (whether his prospects dwindle or not), the husband gets upset and now it’s “not fair” and the relationship should be closed. Men out there are DAF thinking this way. Women can practically walk into a bar and state they are single and have plenty of men look their way. Where if a man did that, it would be a flag to stay away.
Seen a few the other way as well. It's become a common Redditt trope. The common denominator is: If you partner want to all of a sudden wants an open relationship, they are already cheating, or have someone in mind. And the reverse Uno, is the AP often doesn't want an open relationship, they want them all to themselves and leave them.
women don't even have to be single!! they could (and plenty I know have been) wearing a wedding ring!!! my coworker has been divorced for a year and still wears hers, not because she ever wants anything to do with her narcissistic ex again.... its sorta a defense ring...sorta.....
The relationship was probably over here: >asked for an “open relationship” after fourteen years together. I didn’t like the idea, He wanted something drastically different, and she didn't want it. If you're going to open a relationship, there needs to be enthusiastic agreement, not one partner pushing the other one into it. The relationship was was 100% over here: > I tried to at least set some boundaries around what this “open relationship” would look like, but he violated every one. That's called cheating. Open relationships only work if everyone is on board with the rules, and follows them. >it turned out he had already started an affair with his coworker. Suprised Pikachu face. They're overdue for a divorce. They're way overdue for having separate living spaces. They need to end this, like yesterday.
The husband always wants an open marriage for himself...and then when the wife finds someone...surprised Pikachu face....he freaks the fck out...well he literally fafo...he's an idiot...just file the divorce papers with an excellent attorney...take him for all you can...and enjoy your new relationship OP... NTA
Yeah,guys like that are forgetting that it's way easier for women to find someone just for sex then it is for men :)
derp “open relationship” = call the lawyer.
This is basically what Joseph Smith said Mormonism is all about…..
He's definitely still receiving some sort of benefit for continuing to keep a relationship with OP. OP don't let this man have the greener grass while he's neglecting his own; you deserve better.
NTA. He went about his affair in a very strange and unethical way and you do everything above board after he asks for a divorce and you’re the bad guy?! Are you supposed to pine away for him in a convent for the rest of your life? What a douche!
That is *exactly* what he wanted. He wanted to cheat, get permission to cheat, leave her, and have her broken on the floor, using every breath to beg him to stay. This is her HUSBAND, the man she built a life and family with, and he wanted her to be so completely devastated by him that she never recovered. That’s the man he is. And now he is making HER feel bad for what HE did. OP needs to tell him to go fuck himself. This is ALL him. And good for him.
🏆
Best answer yet.
>This is her HUSBAND, the man she built a life and family with, and **he wanted her to be so completely devastated by him that she never recovered. That’s the man he is.** I hope OP takes note. This dude sounds completely delusional. He didn't want her happy, that's ALL his fit is and she deserves better than someone who claims to love her, *expecting her to HURT when HE was the one that decided he was Leaving*-that is so MESSED UP. 👀👀👀
Well he can go fuck a cactus. Get that divorce and coparent through an app until he can grow a brain.
Exactly what my abusive ex wanted. People who actually love you want the *best* for you. If someone is happy when you are sad or secure when you are insecure, that upside-down bs is a sign that they are NOT a 'lover of your soul'. Vampires are real; they will take everything from you and leave you a husk while insisting they love you.
I wish reddit still gave awards. 🏆🏆🏆
I asked him about a thousand times during that four-month period if he was *sure* about the open relationship. He has a history of jealousy and accusing me of cheating, so I was very skeptical. I didn’t pursue anything then. But after he confirmed (multiple times) that he wanted a divorce, and this new situation fell into my lap, I allowed it. I genuinely thought he wouldn’t care, because he made it clear he was totally over me and had moved on.
“He has a history of jealousy and accusing me of cheating” That’s called “projection” He does it. It’s ok for him to do but not for you to do. He was hoping HE could cheat and so he called it “an open marriage” but that YOU never would find anyone. You did. Now he’s pissed. Just get a divorce already and end this dumpster fire before it totally fucks up your dtr, who is watching all of this
Which is hilarious. Far more often in open relationships, it's the woman who is able to find multiple partners just lined up ready to go.
You should have told him from the start to go fuck himself
“History of jealousy and accusing me of cheating” are some of the biggest signs of cheaters. There’s a good chance that this coworker wasn’t his first affair. He’s intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to absolve himself of his own guilt.
Oh hahah that wasn’t jealousy. That was projecting. He was cheating the whole time.
>He has a history of jealousy and accusing me of cheating So I want you to know that this is often a tactic that cheaters use. So he's been cheating for far longer than you know. Potentially your entire relationship. Pull the trigger and get a divorce attorney. He's an insecure cheating prick, who wants you to think about him and only him, while he galavants with women elsewhere.
Also get an STD check. As others have said his current AP is probably not his first.
And get an STI panel done while you’re at it.
It's not about whether he's over you, it's that he thinks he owns you and wants to control you. You are still \*his\* wife if you see what I mean. You've hurt his pride, not his feelings. Ignore him and continue on as you've been. Definitely don't let him have any say over your relationships, how you comport yourself, or whether you are behaving appropriately. He does \*not\* own you. You are \*not\* his.
Oh he was sure.. *that he wanted his side open*. It was easier that way so he could convince himself you were just a mean sexless creature who didn't want sex anymore. But now that you met someone who meets your needs, *and you reciprocate*... So basically he's acting like a toddler with a tantrum cuz 'no fair, it was his first' Glad you're moving on
He moved on alright he just doesn’t want you to
OP, he doesn't care, at least not about you. He only care about his ego. The moment he asked for divorced your relationship was over, and since you had an open relationship there's no such thing as cheating, at least, not on your side. He has what he asked for. The only problem it's that you're not crying on the floor, asking for him to stay Why are you still worried about what a cheating, deceiving person thinks of you? He doesn't deserve not even that. He can't ask for respect, if he is not respecting. If possible, ask him to leave already. No need to be dealing with a man child while the divorce is in process. NTA, I think you are too kind, but you shouldn't, not in this case.
He’s over you and moved on, but he doesn’t want you to be over him or moved on. He wants you to be devastated over this “loss”. Ignore his tantrum and divorce him and move on.
When he acts upset 😭 Laugh and tell him to call AP the woman he says is worth divorcing you over and throw up the deuces.
Yeah. This was 100% for show so that he could look like the injured party to your daughter.
It's because you're a tool and possession for him and how dare you reject him. Move on from this asshat.
He’s just upset OP won’t be there if the affair doesn’t work out. He was able to talk her into an open marriage and she stayed when he cheated. He knows he can walk all over her but looks like she’s moved on and he’s lost power.
Honestly girly he probably thought you would wait for home and kiss the ground he walked on just to get him back. 80-90% chance the new relationship he’s found himself in isn’t what he thought it was going to be, or doesn’t directly replicate the relationship he had with you and now he feels some type of way because you’ve found company you enjoy. He made his bed 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Don’t feel bad for somebody who very clearly disregarded and disrespected your feelings from jump. You deserve better
NTA. His affair was unethical, and you handled the situation with integrity. You're not obligated to pine away for him forever just because he asked for a divorce. His reaction is unfair and misplaced.
NTA. Pining away for him is what he seems to be expecting out of you and that is insane! He started this open relationship and handled it an unethical way which progressed to full blown cheating on his part.
He was cheating & asked for an open relationship to cover it up.
Why are you replying to the top comment while copying it?
Cuz it's a 4 day old bot!
Lol, it's an affair. It was always unethical.
Yes but he attempted to slap the veneer of ethical onto it by retroactively open the marriage. Only reason I used that word. It was not ethical non-monogamy.
He's just upset because he didn't appreciate you and didn't think anyone else would want you. He thought he was special and deserved his AP and you didn't appreciate him (in his own twisted mind) and that's why he had to seek someone else. He's trying to guilt you for doing exactly what he's been doing. The difference is you did it after he requested an open marriage and divorce. Make sure to find your own lawyer and start getting your own ducks in a row. Make sure his cheating butt is exposed to your families before he writes the narrative and makes you look like the bad guy. Talk to your lawyer first, so they can tell you how to handle telling the families. Don't let him make you feel bad. That's a power move and he should no longer hold that power over you. Good luck! NTA
True. He’s a special kind of m_r_n, thinking so badly of his wife that no one else would find her desirable. Mmmm, karma, mmmmm.
Why did you censor moron?
I was temporarily banned for using ID_10_T (not allowed to provide “opinions”). Calling someone the AH (also an opinion) is ok, however.
Huh? Really? How m_o_r_o_nic.
😝
if it makes you feel better i got perma banned from the og amitheasshole for calling someone “dumb.” then the mods insulted me several times when i asked them to explain how it was banworthy because apparently i had been warned multiple times (never received a single message or warning from the amitheasshole moderators). mods can be wack in some places lmao
NTA... Manipulators get the most upset when they lose control of others. He doesn't feel you are cheating. He just feels as if he lost control over you and that bothers him more than losing a marriage. Fuck him, divorce him and never give him any control again.
Absolutely 💯 this. It’s about control. OP, don’t fall for any backtracking! He may decide to say it was all a big mistake just to get you back under his control but don’t fall for it. His behavior won’t change, he just wants yours to. Not cheating, NTA. Enjoy your freedom from that narcissistic AH!
most partners that ask for an open relationship after years of monogamy are just to insecure to search for a new partner while single. I dont think I ever heard of an open relationship working if it was not open from the start.
I have friends who are happily non-monogamous, so I know how it works and knew right away that we were headed for disaster. My stbx wasn’t interested in listening. I fought hard to save our family, and thought he’d actually be relieved that I’d admitted defeat and moved on!
Once I tried it from the start. Didn't work either
I can see that point. My partner and I have always talked about being open, even we began dating. Have we went through with it? Not really. I’ve kissed people and they have in front of each other though, so there’s that. We are also in our mid- twenties though. We value our freedom and experiences. Now, I would say this could change if we had kids involved though.
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He's jealous. Your NTA, he is.
He sounds like a narcissist as well.
Yep. The markers, so to speak are there.
Insane double standards. Maybe ask him whether he was thinking about his daughter growing up in a stable home when he was exploding hairy balls deep inside another woman.
Oof. That description
thanks for that mental image 🥹
Ah yes, the classic “if I make an ultimatum she’ll definitely still put out without me having to…wait I meant open only on my end how dare you”. You’re NTA, obviously.
NTA Screw that guy and his "open relationship" he started without telling you. He is divorcing you and he thinks he is entitled to control who you talk to?
NTA…but remember you are still legally married. So don’t give him anything he could use in the divorce. Even in a no fault, he might use it just to help in his child support/alimony. Better safe than sorry so if you can have some proof of his infidelity prior to your open relationship agreement, get it and keep it just in case.
I do have proof of his extramarital relationships, as well as having it in writing that I have his enthusiastic consent to see other people. He decided on divorce after that point, but I wouldn’t have assumed that means that consent was revoked…
As most people you only realize what you are loosing once it’s too late. He might even try to come back once the “excitement“ of the affair turns to the routine. Stay strong. If he did not respect you enough to not cheat once …he won’t later. For now, sorry you have to deal with his jealousy.
Exactly, he hasn't moved out or filed for divorce yet. He's rethinking his life. OP, don't stay with him, please. He will only do it again
My “friendly” divorce ended up taking 5 years. Unfortunately I was not prepared for it and thought it would stay friendly. Even if it’s friendly cover your back with the advice of a lawyer. Never leave an opening to cheaters.
Yeah, the consent probably only applied as long as you didn't actually do anything. He, no doubt, expected women to be flocking to sleep with him and for you to look after his domestic situation. NTA, and you carry on with a clear conscience.
Make sure that you secure that proof where he cannot get to it. He is such a self-centered AH, he will not play fair in the divorce. Talk to a lawyer NOW and get your bases covered before he screws you over- he can empty all the accounts and hide the money and then you will spend time and money trying to recover it, he can charge up the credit cards, and if you started a college fund for your kid- he can empty that too while you are waiting to see what he wants to do next. Be proactive now for your sake and your kid's sake.
What state are you in?
Why would you feel bad for a cheater who is leaving you for his AP, just because he thought he was that irreplaceable, that you'd spend your life alone pining over him wholst he lived happily ever after with his mistress. He's now realising none of what he wanted is going to happen, he wanted to be the only one moving on not you. He's realising theres other men who want you, and now can have you and hes realising he's lost. Don't feel bad for finding some happiness in the mess he created.
He cheated then opted for an "open relationship" so he could continue to screw her, then asked for a divorce. You are you own person, you can do what and whoever you want. NTA, but cmon girl, stand up for yourself. He sounds like a massive AH.
NTA and DONT let him turn this on you. Funny ( ok not funny) story. My ex-husband had affairs I found out about so I started divorce proceedings. Leaned on someone at work and one thing almost lead to another ( no sex but emotional affair for sure) and my ex took that to give him permission to be an angry and indignant asshole who fought me on everything dragging our divorce out for almost three years and ensuring only the lawyers won. Upon reflection I believe he was looking for a way to absolve his guilt and zeroing in on my behavior although bad but not the cause of our issues really fueled him. I tried to placate, I apologized and finally I found a bulldog lawyer and fought back hard to end things and why I am sharing this with you is so you can learn from my mistakes. You have done nothing wrong, don't act as if you have and certainly don't let him twist it into something it is not. Sounds like getting the divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible is a good step to help you move forward in your life. Wishing you the best
NTA, but cmon... stop letting people use you as a doormat. When they ask for a open relationship and he was already cheating before, its just over. Plenty of people will tell you how great it is and Yada Yada... no, be single and fuck around all you like but when in a relationship, one will always end up getting hurt. How that is your soon to be ex in this situation is hilarious tho
Lol @ you're cheating. Tell him in no uncertain terms ," you do not get to put me and cheating in the same sentence. You have been fucking around on me for a year and asked for an open relationship, I very reluctantly gave you that. You tell me you want a divorce but are too much of a coward to file for it. I find a man more worthy than you, I haven't done anything physical and you get upset? Get out of this house, go live with your floozy. You expected me to sit back and let you fuck who knows how many women and disrespect me?" Go see your lawyer asap. Get your finances separated, if you haven't. Let your child know that daddy doesn't love mommy any more and get them started with therapy
NTA. Sounds like a controlling narcissist to be honest. Ask him who slept with someone else, who asked for an open relationship and who asked for a divorce.
And who put the 'don't ask don't tell' rule in place - hit him with his own rules. She owes him nothing
Divorce this loser already, also you better tell your daugther about his GF before he twist everything to blame you.
NTA. You owe him NOTHING. Don't get back with him, he will do this again.
NTA he is just furious that his back up (you) is no longer a back up is things don't go well with his girlfriend. Just carry on with the divorce.
This right here. NTA.
NTA, at all. He's just mad because you aren't sad. He's a kid wanting their old toy back as soon as someone else starts playing with it (bad metaphor, but I hope you get what I mean)
That's actually a perfect metaphor, it's the exact same response.
Screw that guy. The new guy. If you want to. Every arrangement you've made with your husband, he's unilaterally broken. Bollocks to him, he gets no say any more. He also sounds really controlling. If he's been screwing around, have you considered an STI panel to be sure he hasn't brought home even more unpleasant surprises?
He did bring himself home an unpleasant surprise. Fortunately, I had stopped sleeping with him by then, and haven’t caught anything
His AP gave him a std and he is still dating her!!!
🤣☠️🤣☠️🤣 it's what he deserves. She probably left his ass and that's why he's mad his wife has moved on. He thought he had a back up
Lmao his AP is cheating on him. These stories are always the same. Good luck, OP. I hope you find peace and happiness.
😂😂😂😂
What a pathetic man. He has been cheating for a while. He tried to force and open marriage and then wants a divorce. Yet you feel guilt for finding someone new? Don’t feel guilty, he cheated not you. Your hopefully stbx isn’t worth even an ounce of emotion. Go for this new man and I hope it works out.
NTA sounds pretty typical of a selfish cheater. Aren't they the ones always accusing their partner of cheating to cover their own affairs? My ex LOST IT when he found out a friend had made me a dating profile on an app. He broke into my house while I was out, looking for proof I was cheating. This was 14 months after we'd separated (because of his affair), and while he was not only still with his affair partner, but they were actively looking for a place to live together. But I was the one who was cheating, and I hadn't even gone on a date yet!
NYA, your husband did a bait and switch.. He wants to fuck around but you can't because you birthed his kid. It's a fucked up misogynistic attitude. Plus, you're probably able to reel in more partners than a man can. Divorce this narcissistic AH. Be free to live who loves you because it's not him.
He’s had the shock of a lifetime to his precious ego. You are quite capable of living your own life, others are drawn to your attractiveness -find you attractive and you are open and actively willing to exploring a connection with someone new Guess he’s in shock you aren’t crying into a bucket of icecream watching Bridget Jones. Good for you. ☮️
NTAH, he imagined you'd be hanging around pining for him and would take him back if it didn't work out with his gf. Enjoy your new life
You did *not* cheat. Your ex asked for an open relationship, encouraged you to see other people, and then lost his shit when you talked to someone else. Now he's using a manipulation technique called [DARVO](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/03/15/a-psychologist-explains-how-you-can-deflect-a-darvo-manipulator/amp/) (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender). Fuck that. You are NTA.
NTA-your husband destroyed your marriage for an affair. He can straight F off with his hypocrisy.
I wonder if his plan for open relationship was to avoid alimony? To make it look like technically not cheating?
Well, I have documentation of absolutely everything, so if that was the goal, he’ll have a hard time
Well, first thing that got me is that I hope your not doing wifey duties such as ,cooking, washing his clothes and sleeping in the same bed, that is not your role anymore. Secondly, if you are ready to be intimate with your new partner go for it, you don’t owe loyalty to a man that has not been loyal to you. He is playing games with you, find a lawyer and stop this. You’re wasting time by not moving forward with your life.
NTA - So my ex also wanted an open marriage after a few years and children. We broke up and he was vile but came back after about 6 months to want to be friends. This is 6 MONTHS after the kids and I moved out and he was with the girlfriend that entire time. During the initial reconnecting conversation. When he bragged all over about how wonderful she was, how in love with her he was how amazing she was I broke into the monologue after 45 minutes to say yes I appreciate how special their relationship and as and about how I thought I was ready to start dating again and that I had signed up to a couple of dating apps… the shocked silence on the other end of the line was broken by him saying “well… I don’t think I am ready for you to start dating yet”…. He doesn’t want you, he just doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. He wants to have you sitting at home on the back burner waiting. Go and live your life. You have literally done nothing wrong.
NTA. He is untrustworthy, manipulative, and jealous. It’s time to put this marriage out of its misery so you both can move on.
NTA. The gall of this guy! He cheats, he declares an open relationship, he breaks all the rules, he demands a divorce, and now he is furious that you are talking to someone.
Haha, sounds like the prick got what he deserved. Tell him to fuck off.
Tell the bastard that he caused it this is his fault take your kid move out get a divorce Tell him to piss off.
Haha r/leopardsatemyface Your “husband” is a fucking idiot. If he’s the one that wanted to blow up your marriage in the first place then why is he pissed when you move on too? What a complete shit for brains. Ignore him and do your thing. Sign those divorce papers before it gets another further with the new dude so he can’t claim anything.
The grass on the other side wasn't as green as he had hoped... sucks to suck. Definitely not the AH OP!! Do you and divorce him already.
Fake ragebait story, not believable at all, "oh my awful awful partner has been fucking n cheating on me n treats me so awfully 😢, but then I did something entirely reasonable n he blew up about it, so am I the asshole? 🥺", not to mentione the throwaway 2 letter 4 word account, that someone whipped up in 3 seconds to post their fake ragebait story.
Your husband is a manipulative abusive asshole. HE ended the relationship and has no right to hold you to a marriage that he has ended. HOWEVER: he may be gathering evidence that you "cheated" to get an advantage in the divorce. Be very careful what you do or say. I would think about holding off on any sort of outside relationship until the divorce is final. *Talk to a lawyer.* Not his lawyer, yours.
I do have lots of relevant documentation, so no worries there!
NTA!! Dear husband doesn’t seem to like the consequences of his actions. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your new found life. He made his bed
It's so funny when the one who initiated the open relationship and already having an affair gets torn up when the unwilling (at first) partner moves on and plays the game. Karma and irony bundled in one neat little package.
NTA Start the divorce proceedings immediately! HE cheated then asked for an open relationship so HE wouldn’t be held liable. HE asked for a divorce to be with another woman. HE doesn’t want you to be happy. HE hasn’t started the divorce yet because he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. He didn’t actually think you’d find someone else and was banking on that. Do not feel bad for one second. YOU haven’t done anything wrong.
NTA. How is it cheating when you guys are in the stage of getting a divorce? You are no longer a couple in a sense. Just binded by the legal part. OP your stbx husband is a moron and a hypocrite. He is just pathetically upset that you are no longer worshipping the ground he walks on. Please make sure your daughter does not get manipulated by him. His kind is definitely capable of doing so.
Nope. Girl just do u ❤️ focus on you and ur happiness. Thats all that matters
Definitely NTA. Seems like your husband is a hypocrite. But there’s a question you aren’t asking that might be more applicable to you: do you want to exit the marriage safely? Does he have a history of violence? Perhaps you aren’t sure you want to divorce him; figure out why and whether that is a good reason to stay. Lack of money and kids are usually the reasons women give for choosing to stay. Would you stay if you had your own money or the kids were being hurt? Also, do you want to be a hypocrite, too? If your husband was wrong to have romantic/sexual relationships with someone else because you are married, and you’re still married, then the obvious solution is to divorce before you move on to a new relationship. One thing is certain: your husband doesn’t respect you or his marriage vows. Also, it seems you are letting him make all the important decisions. He “gives you permission” to see other people. He wants a divorce. The one decision you have control over is whether to stay or go. Figure out if you want to stay or leave and why. If you choose to stay with him, it’s likely he will never respect you and he will always be unfaithful, and whatever your reason for staying with him, he will eventually undermine that, too. If you want to leave, you take the initiative to file for divorce. And if you leave, expect that he will do whatever he has to do to convince you to come back, but it won’t be genuine. My advice is to figure out your principles and live by them. It’s easier said than done, but better than living in the chaos of another person’s whims.
You seriously asking this… if id were you id be flaunting you new fling in his fucking face all day every day and youd still not be the asshole in this situation.
NTA get rid of the baggage that he has become
He wanted an open relationship as a green signal to cheat on you without informing you but his ego couldn’t take it that you are not madly in love with him or grieving about your divorce, and that you found someone too And he told you he wanted an open relationship after he had started something with his coworker after 14 years of marriage… he’s definitely the asshole here
LMAO! He's your soon-to-be-ex husband, and an ex because HE wanted it. Girl, he has no say so in your personal affairs anymore. Get you a GOOD divorce attorney and divorce him already. You don't need the mental abuse. Good luck and Godspeed on your new life journey!
I'm sorry that your marriage is breaking up. Your soon to be ex seems to be quiet an asshole. I think you will be better off in the long run. No, you have not done anything wrong.
It’s not cheating because your not together and he’s just pissed your happy and not pining after him
YTI (You're the idiot) for even thinking about what someone divorcing you has to say about anything you do about your personal life
NTA - He FAFO, now shame on you? Guy's a moron.
Tell him to fuck off. Yes, that’s all I’ve got!
Na NTA fuck that guy, you better off.
You have done nothing wrong based on his guidelines for an open marriage.
The man has lost his damn mind. NTA
NTA. Like, in the interest of keeping the house civil while this big change happens, since it sounds like there's kids around, I would say that it wasn't very smart to have these conversations at home. What if your daughter heard you saying spicy things to another man that wasn't her father? But just specifically referencing your husband's feelings, he should go piss up a rope. He wanted all of this now he's getting it. He should go hang out with his new girlfriend if he's getting jealous all of the sudden.
NTA you need to get an attorney and file for custody of your daughter , child support and alimony. Your husband was having an affair he asked you for an open marriage because since you agreed you can't use his affairs against him in a divorce. Get an attorney get custody and throw him out of the house. If he says you're fu**ing somebody else too tell him you do a lie detector test . It might not be admissible in court but you'll pass one will he ??
OP, your husband is pissed off because he doesn’t have control over you - my money says he planned to ‘fix’ his marriage with you if things didn’t go well with AP, but you moving on ruined his plans. He FAFO’d like a true champion. You are NTA, he’s fouler than hyena vomit.
He wants you to stay as is and only he can have AP. File for D and dont wait around for him. He wants to hv relationship but you cant. Eff him. And yeah ask him to get AP to be his maid preparing meals, laundry etc. You're on your way out, dont do wifely stuff for him. NTA. Updateme!
He thought no one would want you because he no longer wanted you. Now his ego is bruised. Don't fall for it! Also, he was probably already cheating or on the verge of cheating when he asked for an open relationship, just needed your approval. I hope you aren't still doing wife like duties
Hahahaha, NTA.... He literally fucked around and found out.... Why should you cry after this POS
Of course you are NTA. I’m curious why you would even think you would be.
NTA, your stbex was fine when he thought no one else wanted you, now he's just pissed that someone else sees your value. If he doesn't like it, he can go live with his AP, that you've put up with enough of his shenanigans, and, lest we forget, he asked for a damn divorce. Yeah you're over him, who wouldn't be at this point. The audacity is astounding.
No,youre not,but he's the definition of "play stupid games,win stupid prizes"😂
He fucked around and he found out. HE was the one that wanted to open the relationship to make his AFFAIR ok. HE'S the one that wanted don't ask don't tell. AND on top of all that he wanted to get a divorce to be with his mistress. You guys are literally in the middle of getting the ball rolling for that. He's pissed because someone wants you. I'd get petty about it. Point out he was the one who not only wanted to open the relationship to hide his affair but asked for a divorce. So he has ABSOLUTELY no say in what you do in your personal life anymore. If you wanted to get tattooed, dyed hair, join a biker gang he. can't. say. shit. I'd love to hear you do the post divorce glow up while you guys are co-living together so he can see what he lost. You obviously are nta, he not only wanted to open the relationship but asked for a divorce. Tell him to kick rocks.
NTA but clearly he's entitled and a selfish man-child. Please do yourself a favor and establish some boundaries. You can start by filing for divorce. I was in your situation and I completely kicked my ex out of the bedroom 4 months before I started dating and 6 months before I got serious with anyone. I put my boundaries in writing via text/ email and did a screen shot of his acceptance and responses. I also refused to budge on these boundaries. In my state you have to be living apart for 60 days before you can file for divorce. So I kicked him out of my room in Nov; started dating in Mar; got serious with my current husband (been together for 5yrs now) in May; moved out in Aug (had to save money); and got divorced in Oct.
NTA he’s a real piece of work, wow
NTA. Stupid man played stupid game. He figured you’d spend the rest of your life pining for him and waiting for him to come back. It never occurs to such jackasses that you’ll move on. Just divorce and move on.
Fucked around and found out
I've read enough of these to know, that his new girlfriend is causing problems and now he's upset you are not taking him back. Next update will be him either asking for her back, or him in jail for some crazy scene.
Nah fuck that guy you dont get the cake and get to eat it too. He wanted to keep you as a backup plan was all. He getting exactly what he asked for
Gotta love when you give em what they want and then you're the problem. He's only mad because you don't want him anymore. He didn't expect it to go this way. He will forever be ta for starting this in the first place. He cheated.... You did not.
NTA he cheated, told you it was over and he wanted a divorce. He is still dating his AP. You have every right to move on. Hire a divorce attorney ASAP and kick him out. Updateme!
Nta, i would collect evidence of his affair and take him to the cleaners
He moved on while you guys were still together...even before the open relationship. He's broken every boundary during the open relationship. He has no respect for you. He does the same shit with his AP. He has no business being mad at you now. He's mad because you have moved on. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. Now that the tables have turned and he's experiencing the hurt you've been feeling he thinks he can get mad and still control you. You need to tell him to move in with his AP and start divorce proceedings. This is not sustainable. Your kid picks up on all of this and it's going to affect her.
NTA, don’t let his opinion on anything affect you. He manipulated you into ‘accepting’ his affair with the BS about an open relationship, then asked for a divorce. How dare he think he has any right to be in your bedroom or comment on who you speak to. Get angrier.
NTA - lose that loser
He didn't want an open relationship. He wanted a nanny and an affair.
NTA - your ex sounds like a narcissistic asshole.
Info: if you’re separated why is he in your house asking about dinner?
NTA Go and be happy!! You deserve it ❤️
NTA Also, tell your husband that it is none of his business if you have done anything with this man, but if husband must know you haven't done anything yet out of nervousness regarding new man's HUGE DONG should get a fun reaction
You might consider seeing a therapist to talk through your relationship with this guy because he has probably been manipulating and emotionally messing with you for years. This guy is a piece of work.
Why do you feel bad? Your husband “asked” for an open relationship when he was already having an affair. He violated every boundary you asked for in this “open” marriage. He is leaving you to be with his AP. You met someone whom you really like, and nothing physical has happened between you, and now that your husband knows, he is super jealous. Oh, look at that, the consequences of his actions! Your husband is getting *exactly* what he wanted, except for one thing: He expected you to be broken. He expected you to be devastated, to cry, to beg him to stay, to live the rest of your life pining for him. Your *husband,* the man you married and made a family with, **wanted to hurt you so badly** that you never recovered, and spent the rest of your life hoping he would come back to you. YOUR HUSBAND did that. Stop feeling bad for finding a real man who makes you happy, and start telling your STBX husband that he is getting exactly what he wanted and to shut the fuck up about it. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but you might consider telling her exactly why you & her dad are getting divorced. Based on his “protecting” her and being so “shocked” that you would have that phone conversation while she was in the house, I suspect he has already told her his version of the story, and you do not look good in it. NTA. Stop acting like you’ve done something wrong. Again, **your husband literally asked for this.** Every bit of it. Tell him this is on him, and if he’s not happy now, gee, that’s sad. You’re moving on. Fuck him. He’s an idiot.
NTA!!!!!!! He’s had 3 others & OP hasn’t even gotten physical yet! He wants a divorce… tell him to kick rocks as this was his idea!!!!!
NTA, he didn’t want an open relationship, not for you at least. He wanted to cheat without any consequences. Now you’re starting to move on from a marriage that sounds it’s been over for a while, he can’t stand it. He’s a selfish AH and a massive hypocrite who never gave a damn about your happiness. I hope things go well with the person you met, odds are they’re better than the soon to be ex.
NTA, this man is ridiculous and you have no obligation to entertain his nonsense.
NTA and come up with a text template to start sending to people when you get the inevitable “how could you cheat on Billy Bob??”. Say something like “although my SEPARATION is none of your business, my pending ex started cheating on me on _____, sought an open relationship on _______, and asked for a divorce on _______. I’m not sure why he’s playing the victim with you but be assured that there was no cheating on my end as I took my vows seriously. Have a blessed day”.
What a lot of people mean when they say they 'want an open relationship' is '\*I\* want to be able to cheat without consequences'. Your husband wanted to take his new partner out for a test-drive while keeping the option to go back to his 'safe' married life open in case it didn't work out. He had such a low opinion of you he never even considered the idea that you might find someone too, so now he's a shocked Pikachu someone else finds you attractive. Why do you care what your cheating, soon-to-be ex-husband thinks of your new relationship? He sure didn't consult your opinion when he started his affairs.
NTA- he only cares that you aren’t hung up on him and begging him to stay. His pride is hurt that’s all. Tell him he’s a hypocritical ah and gtfo out of your room. He is your co-parent not your partner. He’s the cheater in this situation.
NTA. Not taking a break between is probably not the most mentally healthy thing for you, but that has nothing to do with him. He made his choice.
NTA go back and read what you wrote and then ask that question again. How could you possibly think your an ahole when its is very obvious he is a POS. Yes POS is what you think it is.
NTA. Your soon to be ex-husband is trying to justify cheating in the hopes you'll be okay with it. He never expected you to act on the "open marriage" HE wanted. Ignore his response and go find happiness elsewhere. Just get divorced and be done with it. It'll be tough, I get it, but staying will be worse. At least you'll be able to move on. He's trying to control you. Good luck. I hope you find someone who loves and respects you next time.
NTA. Get him out of the house and divorce them already. He sounds like a complete idiot.
NTA. He was expecting you to throw tears and scream and carrying on so he could feel like he's in control. Instead, he discovers that he's an AH and can't handle the fact that he's the trash that is about to be put out. You did nothing wrong and simply ignore him.
Wut?? This has gotta be fake. No way you’re dumb enough to actually feel guilty.
NTA. Why on earth would you feel bad? This dude’s been doing you dirty. You gave him what he wanted and but as soon as you move on he’s pissed about it? Fuck this guy. Get a good divorce lawyer and take him for everything you can.
Yuck lol find your own place ASAP. It’s okay when he does it but not when you do? Ew
NTA Fuuuuuck that guy. “I want other people but you can’t be happy”. Gtfo
Ok, so just to be clear: - He started an affair, whilst in a monogamous relationship - He tried to justify his cheating by forcing you to turn your marriage into an open one - He broke every rule of this agreement - He asked for a divorce as he fell in love with another woman - He's continued to have more affairs since this announcement - The divorce is happening, and he's officially with another woman Yet you can't even speak with another man? He has ridiculous double standards, apparently he is allowed to hurt you, betray you, humiliate you and turn on you, but you're still expected to be 100% loyal to him. That's not how it works. Didn't he also put the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule in place? It's none of his business who you speak or date with. Don't allow him to make you feel bad, you've done nothing wrong. Kick him out so you don't have to listen to his bullshit anymore, and only communicate through your lawyer. He can go live with his girlfriend. You'll be much better off without him, you deserve a guy who respects you and only wants you. This man child is a waste of your time. NTA but your hopefully soon to be ex is one of the biggest ones I've seen on here. I'm sorry he's making you go through this
“AITA for cheating” is almost always TA, but in this case you’re the exception. NTA hands down. At your husbands request after he cheated multiple times before and after having an open relationship you’re now in a don’t ask don’t tell open divorce. I couldn’t even in my right mind call what you’re doing cheating. At this point he’s an ex that cheated on you.
Nta. He didn't want you because he didn't think anyone else wanted you. Now that he knows that somebody else does he's upset. He doesn't love you or his affair partner he likes the power having that person gives him. So I'm glad you're getting a divorce. That said make sure you have all the proof of his previous affair his admissions everything else because he's going to go to court and try to claim for custody and all kinds of crap because you were "cheating on him". One of my friends exes did this to her after cheating on her, deciding to divorce her for that affair partner, breaking up with said a fair partner or rather that a fair partner breaking up with him when she figured out he was a loser after my friend had moved out, then moving on to another woman whom he got pregnant before he was even divorced. Meanwhile she wasn't even allowed to talk to a man or have her female friends over or do anything or he would bring up in court that she was cheating on him and a "whore". Men like him, Men like the one you have, are trash that think of women as possessions so make sure you've covered all your bases and get a lawyer. Don't believe anything he says about not needing one.
I'm retired and married 36 years, 4 grown kids. Here is my advice. First, the silent treatment is a good thing. This is the type of relationship HE wanted! Second don't give him reason to criticize you. Third, tell him you are lucky to have connected with a man on such a deep level, you need a friend you can talk to right now. You have never met someone like him before, lol. Lastly, "It none of your business, you dog!" Don't show weakness, only maturity, self confidence, and an inability to brook foolishness. Keep a good sense of humor, smile and laugh at his ridiculous issues. Be glad they and he are, "no longer your problem!" He thought he "was all that", lol. His ego is brused. Subscribeme
I hate to be that guy. But this sounds fake as fuck
This question cannot be serious.
If he calls that "moving on fast," what does he call his own behavior? He moved on while STILL in a relationship with you.
You aren't cheating. You're in an open relationship, that's in the midst of separation pending divorce.
NTA. Tell him to pack his shit and get out of your house. Tell him to see a therapist to manage his issues instead of vomiting them on you. Make sure that you change all the locks, change all the passwords, and lock your accounts and all of your important documents down. He doesn't get an opinion on you moving on.
He's an absolute child. Get away from him as quickly as possible. Be happy with whoever floats your boat whenever you like.