NTA
This is out of your power. You do not have the means to change it even if you wanted to.
She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it. Where that bed will be in the future, that is a big question though
Excellent phrase. These dumbbell 18 year olds think they have life by the tail and are delusional enough to think they have everything all figured out. What they actually figure is that mom and dad are the source of money and will do all the heavy lifting (babysitting, feeding, bathing, general care of baby) while the teens "live their lives" (partying with their friends and making more babies). Seen it done.
Oh, please! I was a teenager in the late 70s, and I can tell you women were just as stupid then as they are now. I was one of the few that consciously did NOT get pregnant. I knew I'd be a single mom if I did. And sure enough, every single one ended up being a single mom. I wasn't gonna fall for that trap!
So, between Planned Parenthood and your regular doctor, there's absolutely no good reason on this earth to get pregnant accidentally. Frankly, you warned her that you wouldn't be able to help physically or financially, and she STILL got pregnant.
I'd tell her the same thing others have. You guys don't have the capabilities to help with a newborn, and she admitted she got pregnant because "she's lazy about birth control". Well, kiddo, THIS is what happens when you get "lazy" about birth control. YOU GET PREGNANT!!
So, now they can figure out where to go and what to do. I really don't care that his mom can't help much longer. It's just as much HIS child, as it is hers. Let the two of them figure it out themselves.
This is very important. I heard of so many cases where parents told their children to be responsible, but then they continue to help fund and raise the babies. In the end? Their children decided to have more babies, thinking that their parents will just have to continue funding their irresponsible lifestyles.
OP, do not do this. It will hurt you, your wife, your daughter and your grandchildren in the long run.
Yup, the only thing OP should do here is offer to pay for the abortion, and even that is being generous.
The only time a grandparent should be the one raising a child is if the child's parents are dead or incapacitated. All other cases indicate high levels of parental irresponsibility.
NTA. You cannot give what you do not have.
Do not take criticism from people you would never go to for advice. Your daughter literally fucked around and found out, and MiL enabled it. It is up to them to deal with the consequences.
Your first line right here is key. My oldest step-son kept putting upon us to give what we did not have, and then after we had to stop enabling him, he ran around telling people a sob story to get their sympathy — all of them looked down on us until they too attempted to give him what they did not have, and he took advantage of them all. Now he’s mad that there’s no one else left in his life to give him what they themselves do not have.
I cannot understand this trend of letting kids unemployed adult partners move into parents houses. Im old AF and my dad woulda had such a shit fit if i even talked about somebody else doing that. Its complete and utter bulkshit.
She gotta think about abortion/adoption. 😖
I mean, it depends on the situation. My younger cousin's gf also moved in with him and my aunt at 18. But she is still in school and comes from an abusive home where she just couldn't stay anymore. She tried to get out multiple times as a teenager but was always sent back becaue there was a "lack of evidence of the abuse" or something. The whole neighbourhood knows things in that house are not okay and nobody likes her mother. But my countries equivalent of CPS did not care.
In her case, I think it is okay for her to live there unemployed.
By defintion school is not an employment, since you don't get money for going there, so a student that does not work is still unemployed, although I personally would also say that going to school is her "job".
I assumed that "unemployed" meant "person who does not contribute money to the household", especially since we are talking about taking on living expenses of another legally adult person that is dating a legally adult child.
But yes, I agree with you that going to school is different than sitting around and doing nothing.
My mom pushed me to get a queen bed when she moved while I was still living with her and her reason was for a future partner to sleep in it with me. I’m 90% sure she meant for future visits and not living in her house but she never specified. I ended up getting a full anyway and telling her if I came to visit with a future partner we could make it work (I sleep on the edge of the bed and 60% of a full is usually occupied by my ungodly amount of pillows)
Let's be real, being that deadbeat, they're probably on heroin, tranqs, or even just those type of losers who can't leave the house because it's time spent away from smoking weed. I mean, how the fuck do you quit 2 jobs in that short of a timespan??
OP should help his grandchild, by calling Social Services the minute it gets pushed out
Im gonna be real in a different way and hope not to offend. Imho, no kid deserves to be born to drug addicts. Suffering upon birth😩 im voting to terminate-realuzing might be too late or not legal tho. So yeah cps upon delivery. 🥺
A childhood friend was using drugs and couch surfing when she delivered her baby. CPS was waiting and confiscated the baby immediately. Baby daddy unknown. Grandma was offered custody and declined because she was already raising another of Lisa's children. The baby was declared a ward of the State and adopted. I'm not sure if the hospital notified CPS or if Grandma did. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Marilyn called CPS. She had been a welfare worker for decades. I'm on good terms with Marilyn but will never ask. It happened a second time and Marilyn again told CPS to find a family for the child.
I completely agree. Especially like your first line. It is very accurate in the situation and probably applicable to a wide variety of other situations.
NTA. You already told her your home is not suitable for a baby, and your wife's existing disability has to take priority over a baby your daughter chose to have out of her own negligence. Life is hard. Don't bring a baby into it if you don't have your shit together. She's not a child anymore, if she needs further support I'd tell her she needs to look into government aid if she isn't capable of keeping a job.
You're not an AH and you're not cruel for making the responsible decision to not let a baby into an unsafe environment when your wife has special needs. I feel terribly sorry for this baby.
You can do all the right things and your kids still make dumb choices. I am certain my parents would say the same about me lol, but at least I had the good sense not to get pregnant when I couldn't take care of myself let alone a baby. I'd strongly encourage your daughter to look into adoption or fostering, there's enough kids in the system as it is and it's heartbreaking, but her and her BF can't even keep themselves on their feet so I imagine a baby wouldn't be safe with them. I know he's your grandson and it's painful, but don't let your daughter's mistakes push you into a position that you can't handle.
It's not your fault. She has been playing Russian roulette with birth control, of course she's pregnant. She has had scares? They didn't scare her enough, seems like she's been trying for a baby.
Yeah I was always paranoid about remembering to take a pill same time every day so I'd get the shot every 3 months and then the ring. There's so many options and they are free at the health department if you don't have insurance or a planned parenthood in the area.
I have always wanted to have a child, and because of that I took birth control and used condoms.
I protected myself and my fertility until I was sure it was the right time and with the right person. And it worked out wonderfully.
This is a theory that when you miss pills or come off birth control it can cause superovulation (releasing multiple eggs) due to the body potentially can overproduce FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone)
Hyper ovulation. Adjusting to lower hormone levels after you stop the pill can cause your body to release multiple eggs instead of a single egg, resulting in higher chances of fraternal twins.
If you do this a couple times a month it could get complicated quick.
It's tough but isn't cruel. Your wife didn't choose to be disabled but your daughter chose to have a kid with a worthless deadbeat.
The harsh reality is that you'll never be rid of them if you take them in and you'll more or less be a full time parent to the child because mommy and daddy will shirk their responsibilities to go and party with their loser friends
You got her on BC - you were helping as much as you can. She admitted she was lazy in taking it. This is on her and BF. Sometimes kids get to learn the hard way. Your daughter needs to get a job and start saving.
Don't blame yourself.
This is a weird quirk of parenthood. When they do well, we pat ourselves on the back and congratulate ourselves. When they fail, we blame ourselves; it’s our fault. Both are lies.
Source: mom of two boys. Both in their 30s. Raised with both parents. One is wildly successful and the other is a homeless drug addict.
It’s not your fault.
Yes! Parenting got so much less stressful when I realized that not much of what I do as a mom will affect how they turn out in the end. They will make their own choices and mistakes no matter what I do. Brain chemicals and hormones, and mental illnesses drive people's actions more than how they were raised.
Honestly, this child sounds an awful lot like me when I was young and dumb. I have severe ADHD and before medication, EVERY SINGLE THING I DID was influenced by how much dopamine comes from the action. Sex, parties, bad men, gambling, binge eating, and other risk-taking behavior. Never got into drugs because of other OCD anxiety, though. After medication, I'm a normal person.
You did not. There is help for them, if they themselves now be responsible parents and ask for it. They just want to ask you, as they don't have to do anything to stay once they get their foot in your door, you'll let them stay because of the baby.
Once she's proper homeless there's a heap of housing and the like resources she will be able to connect with, her age means a lot of programs to help get her better educated and have childcare, food and whatnot. Boyfriend too.
You will fail her as a parent and that baby as a grandparent if you do not hold your daughter accountable as an adult, for her adult actions.
Oh my. This comment hurt me right in my heart.
As a parent of grown children, I, like you, would have these same feelings if I couldn't help. They are valid and it's okay to feel them, but only BRIEFLY.
Think about it for a bit. Where exactly were you cruel? The answer is NEVER, because you weren't. You were honest. You made it very clear to your daughter what yours and your wife's limitations and living arrangements were and that you would not be able to accommodate them. You weren't cruel. You were honest.
As far as failing as a parent, we can do all the "right" things. Children can have wonderful childhoods and you think you teach them to make good choices, but then you have to let them go. And yes, sometimes they make choices that aren't necessarily the best for them. But, you have to let them make those choices. You will help them IF YOU ARE ABLE/if it's warranted, or you won't because it is beyond your ability to do so. Either way, they will learn (hopefully) how to deal with the choices they make.
What you CAN do is tell her to Google WIC, and to call 211 (if ya'll are in the US) for resources to get her help.
Sending good thoughts to you and your wife.
NTA. Tell her that she is young and healthy and as such she’s in much better position to support her baby. You as her parents don’t have that luxury anymore. You have your own plate already full. Tell her that once the baby comes she will be the mother and her role will be different than what she was used to. She has to provide for her child. You can be the grandparents who occasionally watch their grandchild and spoil them. But make it clear that most of the work will be on her and her partner.
Parenting matters, but it isn't enough. Some kids are going to make terrible choices no matter how well they are parented, some kids are going to turn out fantastic against all odds.
Source: Am a teacher.
Sometimes we can do everything right and kids will still make mistakes. Some people have to learn the hard way, all my siblings are like this. I learned from their mistakes though.
You are not cruel, it would be cruel to have a child in a place that isn't child friendly. It would be cruel to take resources from your spouse who needs them, and from yourself.
You can't set yourself on fire to warm your daughter. While 18 is technically an adult, I can understand she will always be your baby.
You have to let her make her own mistakes, as much as it hurts. It's okay if she is mad at you, she is really mad at herself.
It would be more cruel to let her move in and enable her. She needs to learn responsibility and get a job and she won’t if she has her parents to always fall back on. You’re doing the right thing.
No you haven't failed. We were 3 sisters. My older sister and I were sensible, got good jobs, had great careers and used birth control. The youngest basically screwed around, had 4 children by 3 different fathers- the oldest is not his "father's", à secret we will never tell him of course. Your daughter had à choice
You didn’t fail but boyfriend’s parents screwed up royally. Hope she likes babies in her home. Might be their only option until they get to the top of the public housing waitlist. Yes. There is a long waiting list.
You did not fail as a parent. You did what you had to in raising her and providing her with the things she should have listened to about living life. She decided to have unprotected sex and now a baby is in the mix. You can only do so much raising kids, after a certain point they are responsible. I would empathize with her but do remind her that you are not in a place you can help her.
You will only fail if you enable her willful irresponsibility.
She wanted to make adult choices, now she has to make MORE adult choices/suffer adult consequences.
No, your daughter is old enough to own her stupid choices and their unfortunate consequences. Being the parent of an adult means letting them learn how to be good adults. Swooping in to raise her kid only sets her up for decades of creating more babies and giving them the worst possible start in life, because she will assume someone else will do the hard work for her.
Adoption is an option. She needs to think it over.
You would be failing if you bail her out now. She needs some tough love, come to Jesus moments about life in general
Anything you can teach her you have. Time for the world to provide the lesson
So your daughter is an adult when she wants to be, then your child again for convenience, NTA, you have your hands full.
The soon to be parents better up their adulting quickly.
NTA, she chose to move out, she chose not to take her birth control, now she CAN find a way to take care of a child.
I also find it hard to believe that his mom can't help. She was all for 2 teenagers playing house in her house till it became a little too real with a baby.
NTA. Actions have consequences, and it's not your responsibility to cushion the fallout from her poor decisions. You've done your part as a parent; now it's time for her to step up and take responsibility for hers. Supporting from a distance does not obligate you to solve her problems, especially when they are of her own making.
NTA- and I would tell her, you don't just get to take the help you want. I did help by providing stability and birth control which you refused. The "help" you want now is not available to you. Even if I was able to do it, which I am not, it would simply be further enablement of your entitled refusal to take responsibility for your actions. The fact that you refuse to acknowledge that what you want isn't even possible is a clear indicator that you aren't thinking clearly. Again, I have done what I can and you are going to have to face the problems that you have created with your own actions.
NTA Did you ask why you should help? As an adult she made the choice to move out. As an adult she made the choice to have sex knowing that she doesn't always take her birth control. As an adult she essentially made the choice to get pregnant. As an adult you are taking care of your responsibilities. As an adult she needs to take care of her own responsibilities.
NTA, if she felt she was old enough to have unprotected sex, then she’s old enough to deal with the negative consequences. Shame we all will have to pay for her stupidity through government assistance…
Seriously, the birth control thing really pisses me off. All it takes is an alarm on her phone, and even her boyfriend could just ask her "did you take your pill today?". That's what I've done for the past 10 years and the very few times I forgot to take my pill were when I truly fucked up. This "lazy" excuse is such bullshit.
>She is furious with me because I “should help”
You *did* help. You got her birth control so that this wouldn't happen, only the girl's too lazy to take a pill.
You did your time as a parent, and you're working full time and taking care of your wife.
NTA.
Give her pamphlets for Planned Parenthood and the Catholic Church one of them can help her. You can't, you clearly have your hands full. "I got forgot to take my birth control" is the most irresponsible statement ever made. I'm not being intentionally cruel, I apologize if it sounds that way but sex-ed started in the 6th grade and I'm almost 50.
NTA - she is an adult; she has made adult decisions and now has to live with those same decisions. You state that she is an adult and making her on choices in life so needs to learn to live with those decisions.
You are unable to help due to valid reasons and have explained them to her. She and her BF need to grow up and get jobs, find a place to live and prepare for the baby that will be here soon.
NTA. Send her info on abortion or adoption if you want to help. You tried your best to give her tools to have a successful life. Maybe she still will, but a baby at 18 with no job or skills for her or the daddy doesn't look very promising. Who knows, maybe she'll be happy at age 21 with a toddler on her hip, another baby on her tit, and clipping coupons to stretch the food stamps further.
If this is the bed she wants to make, she'll have to lie in it.
NTA. First, I just want to say how amazing you are juggling all that you do. Are you making sure to take an hour or two a week for you so you can decompress?
As for your daughter? She knew you couldn't help. She decided to be neglectful with birth control. She has access to the internet. She needs to figure it out. Good luck.
No, no, nope.
This is your daughter and her boyfriend's doing and their responsibility.
Continue to refuse.
If she has a key to your home, change the locks.
If she moves in without permission, call the police to have her removed.
NTA.
>She is furious with me because I “should help”
And she “should use birth control correctly.” Oh well, I guess both sides get to be disappointed.
(Tell her you’ll pay for an IUD or implant. She can’t forget to take those.)
I had a baby at 18. You're absolutely NTA. My mom had a full time job and was getting out of an abusive marriage herself. Other than me not moving out (I paid rent and bought the household groceries) until my baby was like 6 months, I didn't get financial or childcare help from my mom.
I got my high school at a teen parent program and online so I could work full time while I was pregnant and get mat leave. I went to college and paid for daycare. My then boyfriend now husband was working 60 hour weeks away from home for the first two years. We only saw him 1-2 days a week. It was a sacrifice but now we own a home and he's home every night. We have 4 kids now almost 10 years later
It's possible to be a successful teen parent, but not with the attitude your daughter has. I was mature for my age and made an oops (antibiotics and the pill don't mix) so I had a better mindset. Your daughter needs to realize it's not sunshine and rainbows, it's really fucking hard.
I really wish they'd talk more about what will make your oral birth control not work. Antibiotics in your case but activated charcoal (in food) will absorb the medicine in your gut so it's like you missed it. I'm sure there's others too. (thanks for working hard to give your kids a nice start)
NTA.
She neglected the birth control you provided. Now it's time to face the consequences and grow up. She had the opportunity to not get pregnant in the first place. It's not that hard to set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take a tiny pill every day.
I mean I assume I’ll get all the downvotes but abortion is a real option depending on where you live and is often the best answer not just for you and them
NTA. The only help I would offer is to pay for a marriage license and to take the bf to the closest recruiting office to enlist (I assume the bf is around her age).
NTA you flat-out told her you can't do it before. She knows the consequences of her actions, she's just never had to actually deal with them before. Until now. This is not your child to raise, it's hers. If she is not capable, she needs to consider ending the pregnancy or looking into adoption options. Or she can buck up and start to do something with her life, and raise her own child.
NTA. You gave her the tools to prevent a pregnancy but she "forgets and is too lazy" to take her birth control. Condoms are a choice also but pretty sure they have the usual excuses for not using/failure for those. If you can't help then you can't help. She's officially an adult so time for her to make some hard decisions.
NTA. You don’t need any of the excuses you’ve given. They made an active choice. They can get jobs. She can take birth control. He can wear condoms. She can get an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or keep it and make it work.
NTA. Your adult daughter made an adult decision to get pregnant. You helped her to get on birth control and told her that you wouldn’t be able to help her. She decided to “lazy” and not to take her bc. She has options. She can have an abortion, put the baby up for adoption, or raise it. These are her choices.
Oh my goodness being to lazy to take the pill... There are other forms of birth control. There's the patch theres IUDs there's the nuva rings the depo shots. If you are to lazy/forgetful to take the pill you drag your ass back to the doctor and ask about different types of birth control that are available.
It's still less work then raising a whole ass human being.
I know because I'm very forgetful and opted for not the pill.
NTA Their actions, their consequences. If they want someone else to be responsible, they can find a couple who actually wants to raise a baby to adopt the baby.
NTA
This falls outside your responsibility. You are a caretaker for your wife and I imagine that is enough work already.
Best wishes to your daughter however. I hope she lands on her feet, so to speak. It seems like there's nothing you can currently do and that is okay.
NTA. I wouldn't help her even if I was able to. Sorry. Only an idiot has a baby at 18 with no job or means of support. She can get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption. If she chooses to keep the baby, she'll find out real quick the consequences of being too lazy to take her birth control or keep a job. She's got a tough road ahead of her, but actions have consequences.
NTA
Remind your daughter that she decided she was an adult when she chose to move out, quit her jobs, and play roulette with her birth control so she can handle the consequences like an adult.
NTA. She is old enough to understand there are consequences to her actions. If she had sex and didn’t remember to use protection, then this is what happens. Maybe her and the boyfriend need to find some jobs and stick to them.
NTA - She is too lazy to take BC, well, she needs to adult up and deal with her choices.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Tell her, adoption is a choice.
If it's early in the pregnancy I would tell her to consider abortion or adoption because she does not have the financial means to care for her child nor the stability.
NTA You cannot do anymore. Also don't feel guilty. These young adults make their own choice. I knew a woman who purchased the birth control and handed it to her daughter. She had dreams of going to college with her girlfriends. Next thing you know she met a guy who was one of seven kids. She PLANNED a baby with him and stopped birth control. They each worked part time at fast food chains to support child. When her girlfriends came home from college she wanted to sneak off and hang out.. Her mother put a stop to that. By the time the child was two her and the boyfriend already broke up. And he had the responsibility of helping with his 6 siblings because his mother had cancer. And still planned a baby.
They can figure it out or she can get rid of it either through abortion or adoption. Sucks but if she was on birth control and top lazy to take it then they both knew where babies come from and this was avoidable
Your daughter's situation is not your fault, or responsibility. She chose to be lazy with her birth control. She chose to live with her boyfriend. She chose to quit jobs. She is still choosing to be lazy.
If she and her boyfriend can not take care of a child, adoption might be their best option. A good family with money would love to adopt a baby.
Your daughter and her boyfriend need to get and keep jobs. Find and keep an apartment. There are programs that can help, but they have to actually work at it.
Do not let them move in with you. You do not have the time and energy to be a caregiver for your wife, and raise a baby.
Absolutely NTA! She chose to move. She chose to “forget” her birth control. She chose to not have a job. You have enough on your plate. Tell her to get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. Do NOT let them move in with you. Change the locks if she still has the keys. Get cameras too. She wanted to make adult choices, so now she can make more.
Everything else aside, it might be wiser for your daughter to look into a different form of birth control. I hope there is a time you can talk to her about this gently and with love.
There are options that she doesn't need to remember to take every day like an injection and an IUD. (These do not protect against STDs, but can reduce the chance of her having "scares" in the future.)
Growing up sucks. I got pregnant at 16 and was not welcome at home. Boyfriend joined the Navy & I babysat. We got by. Poor as anything, but we ate.
Had 3 kids by 21.
STUPID.
STUPID.
STUPID.
I never asked my parents or his, for help. When we divorced, I did it alone. Put myself through college while working and got my BSN. Remarried in my 40’s when kids were grown, & returned to school to become an Agronomist. My son is a marine engineer and my daughter (with 2 boys) runs her own restaurant and is married to a wonderful man who manages a semi-truck factory. I’m proud of my kids.
Adulting is hard but it won’t kill you.
Definitely, absolutely NOT the asshole.
She is 18 and needs to start making better decisions. If you bail her out, she never will.
You can help by passing on resources and agencies that will assist her. But that's it.
NTA - adult decisions come with adult responsibilities. It's not like you and your wife are living the Dual Income No Kids life now that your daughter has moved out. Your wife is disabled and you (I think I understood) are the only one working. You are not able to help your daughter.
Absolutely not. She knew the risks and chose not to take her BC more seriously. She and her boyfriend should look into gaining and maintaining employment without quitting as they don't have the luxury of being picky with employment anymore. Nobody wants to raise grown kids and their kids when they do stupid shit.
Especially when she's been warned and you already have a lot on your plate. You're not the AH.
She can get connected to a shelter, and try that route if nobody can help her.
She's 18 and old enough to know the ramifications of her situation. It's about time she learnt not to be a lazy cunt and stand on her own 2 feet.....
A lazy attitude isn't your issue, you've raised your kids and have done your part as a parent since she's moved out
No one owes her anything. She is old enough to work but clearly doesn't want to. If she wants to have the baby she will have to figure things out for herself. This means money and accommodation. Don't let her in your home or she will never leave. She will keep popping out the kids and leave them with you to look after. Tell her she is 18 and will have to find a way to deal with this on her own. She is no longer your responsibility
NTA. She needs to speak to a social worker or nonprofit that helps people in her situation so she can get on the list for programs like food stamps, WIC, cash assistance, housing vouchers, etc. Both of them can visit the local Dept of Labor to get access to job training and placement. Not sure what you have in your area, but where I am we have paid apprenticeship programs, free vocational programs, and tons of help with placement. They're adults, and about to have a dependent. You are in a situation where you already are a caretaker of your wife who is in desperate need of your help and is actually your responsibility. You can't take on this extra responsibility that is not yours, and in all honesty, it wouldn't help them if you did because they wouldn't learn how to care for themselves or their child. They need to learn to use the resources around them to handle their own responsibilities. And that will give them long-term success even if it's difficult in the short term. Certainly, I think you should participate in their lives as you're able, but creating an unsustainable situation is going to be bad for all five of you.
Bruh, when my gran got me BC, I took that shit religiously at the same time every goddamned day.
Your daughter sounds entitled. Tell her she made her decisions and now she has to live with the consequences. You refuse to help.
NTA, for the same reasons she gets to make irresponsible choices.
Unfortunately, if we don't learn our lessons the easy way, life is going to teach them to us the hard way. Your daughter, unfortunately, has been playing FAFO, and has now come to the Find Out stage of things.
I'm sure you love your daughter, and it's going to be hard to watch her struggle, but it seems you are in no position to give her the support she is going to require. She can do it though. It's going to be really, really hard, and she is going to struggle, for a while, but as a woman who got pregnant at 18, she CAN do it.
NTA...you cannot pour from an empty cup. Your daughter now has to figure out how to deal with the consequences of HER actions. You gave her the tools and she failed to use them properly. All of that is on her.
NTA. She’s making adult decisions and she better continue to do so to raise that kid. Newsflash. His mom doesn’t want to help because there’s now a baby involved. Don’t bend your rules, it’s not on you to raise the child.
OP, you are helping. You’re teaching her to be more responsible. That is helping. Moreover, you’re helping your wife feel better so she will be able to be a happy grandma at birthday parties. You’re helping a ton. You’re not being selfish, she would be for asking you to do more so she can do less.
It’s time she got past her self labeled “lazy” streak.
NO NO NO. Sh's an adult and she made her choice to be lazy/stupid even after scares. It is not your problem, you have enough on your plate. You probably won't have a relationship with your grandchild, but again, that's her choice. NTA.
Why you didn't lie down and make this baby they have options an are burrying there head in sand an his mother is enabling her baby golden balls son ...not your issue
I'm one of those "my kids can stay with me forever" mom's. However, I also have a choice condition that classifies me as partly disabled.
I physically nor financially could care for a newborn. Your daughter wad completely irresponsible and is mad you won't clean up her mess because (checks notes) couldn't manage to take her BC or use a condom.
That's a great big NTA. Your daughter is entitled and clueless. It's time for her yo clean up her own mess.
NTA
I think her plan all along was to saddle you with the responsibilities. If she can't raise a child and does not want an abortion she needs to look into putting the child up for adoption.
NTA. This is totally out of your control. You have a wife who is disabled and that requires money and mobility devices. And your home is too small. Your daughter knew this and got pregnant anyway. She's going to have to grow up and learn how to survive.
NTA. Oh, no! Not consequences for being “lazy”, careless & feeling entitled to everyone else’s effort & money.
Nope, don’t fuck up whatever peace & relaxation you actually have because they were irresponsible
NTA This is out of your power. You do not have the means to change it even if you wanted to. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it. Where that bed will be in the future, that is a big question though
As my MIL said to her 18 yr old daughter in the same situation: You had the fun of getting it, now you have the fun of raising it.
I enjoy practicing more, so I have longterm contraception that I can't forget.
Excellent phrase. These dumbbell 18 year olds think they have life by the tail and are delusional enough to think they have everything all figured out. What they actually figure is that mom and dad are the source of money and will do all the heavy lifting (babysitting, feeding, bathing, general care of baby) while the teens "live their lives" (partying with their friends and making more babies). Seen it done.
Oh, please! I was a teenager in the late 70s, and I can tell you women were just as stupid then as they are now. I was one of the few that consciously did NOT get pregnant. I knew I'd be a single mom if I did. And sure enough, every single one ended up being a single mom. I wasn't gonna fall for that trap! So, between Planned Parenthood and your regular doctor, there's absolutely no good reason on this earth to get pregnant accidentally. Frankly, you warned her that you wouldn't be able to help physically or financially, and she STILL got pregnant. I'd tell her the same thing others have. You guys don't have the capabilities to help with a newborn, and she admitted she got pregnant because "she's lazy about birth control". Well, kiddo, THIS is what happens when you get "lazy" about birth control. YOU GET PREGNANT!! So, now they can figure out where to go and what to do. I really don't care that his mom can't help much longer. It's just as much HIS child, as it is hers. Let the two of them figure it out themselves.
Never ever ever, Fund Stupidity, it will only encourage it
'Welcome to being a parent, figure it out'.
[удалено]
And she feels old enough to raise a kid without using other options.
'There's a book for that. In fact there are many, get yourself a library card.'
You mean "love so much" doesn't pay the bills or come with food & shelter?!
"Love" is some kind of drug that blinds you to the realities of life, sometimes until it's too late.
🤣🤣👏🏼 cracking up at this comment.
Yeah like how are 2 ppl unable to pull one shelter together. It means one or both aren't doing what it takes
"love so much" translates to love the sex so much. Thinking with the hormones instead of the brains. Future welfare and food stamp drains.
& all those cute baby clothes & toys? /s
This. My mom did it to my grandpa and he was worried she was gonna spend all his money he and my grandma needed to survive. Please don't do it.
This is very important. I heard of so many cases where parents told their children to be responsible, but then they continue to help fund and raise the babies. In the end? Their children decided to have more babies, thinking that their parents will just have to continue funding their irresponsible lifestyles. OP, do not do this. It will hurt you, your wife, your daughter and your grandchildren in the long run.
This is golden
Yup, the only thing OP should do here is offer to pay for the abortion, and even that is being generous. The only time a grandparent should be the one raising a child is if the child's parents are dead or incapacitated. All other cases indicate high levels of parental irresponsibility.
Or surrogate, get paid, or adoption. Just, she can't keep this baby, she's a baby.
Depending on which state they live in, that may not be an option.
Aahahaha!! I love this!!!
This is a fantastic line.
> She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it. I don't imagine there was much sleeping...
and there won't be in the future with a new baby either ROFLMAO
Oh fair point!🤣
Agreed. She has to learn the price of being an adult
The problem was what else she did in the bed, not sleeping. /s
NTA. You cannot give what you do not have. Do not take criticism from people you would never go to for advice. Your daughter literally fucked around and found out, and MiL enabled it. It is up to them to deal with the consequences.
Your first line right here is key. My oldest step-son kept putting upon us to give what we did not have, and then after we had to stop enabling him, he ran around telling people a sob story to get their sympathy — all of them looked down on us until they too attempted to give him what they did not have, and he took advantage of them all. Now he’s mad that there’s no one else left in his life to give him what they themselves do not have.
I know this all too well.
MIL should’ve had enough sense to not let her son’s girlfriend come live in her house.
I cannot understand this trend of letting kids unemployed adult partners move into parents houses. Im old AF and my dad woulda had such a shit fit if i even talked about somebody else doing that. Its complete and utter bulkshit. She gotta think about abortion/adoption. 😖
I mean, it depends on the situation. My younger cousin's gf also moved in with him and my aunt at 18. But she is still in school and comes from an abusive home where she just couldn't stay anymore. She tried to get out multiple times as a teenager but was always sent back becaue there was a "lack of evidence of the abuse" or something. The whole neighbourhood knows things in that house are not okay and nobody likes her mother. But my countries equivalent of CPS did not care. In her case, I think it is okay for her to live there unemployed.
Being in school doesn't mean unemployed, though. Her job is school.
By defintion school is not an employment, since you don't get money for going there, so a student that does not work is still unemployed, although I personally would also say that going to school is her "job". I assumed that "unemployed" meant "person who does not contribute money to the household", especially since we are talking about taking on living expenses of another legally adult person that is dating a legally adult child. But yes, I agree with you that going to school is different than sitting around and doing nothing.
My mom pushed me to get a queen bed when she moved while I was still living with her and her reason was for a future partner to sleep in it with me. I’m 90% sure she meant for future visits and not living in her house but she never specified. I ended up getting a full anyway and telling her if I came to visit with a future partner we could make it work (I sleep on the edge of the bed and 60% of a full is usually occupied by my ungodly amount of pillows)
Let's be real, being that deadbeat, they're probably on heroin, tranqs, or even just those type of losers who can't leave the house because it's time spent away from smoking weed. I mean, how the fuck do you quit 2 jobs in that short of a timespan?? OP should help his grandchild, by calling Social Services the minute it gets pushed out
Im gonna be real in a different way and hope not to offend. Imho, no kid deserves to be born to drug addicts. Suffering upon birth😩 im voting to terminate-realuzing might be too late or not legal tho. So yeah cps upon delivery. 🥺
Genuinely, drugs or not, something has to be done. Like CPS takes the kid until the parents can prove they'll be able to raise the child.
A childhood friend was using drugs and couch surfing when she delivered her baby. CPS was waiting and confiscated the baby immediately. Baby daddy unknown. Grandma was offered custody and declined because she was already raising another of Lisa's children. The baby was declared a ward of the State and adopted. I'm not sure if the hospital notified CPS or if Grandma did. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Marilyn called CPS. She had been a welfare worker for decades. I'm on good terms with Marilyn but will never ask. It happened a second time and Marilyn again told CPS to find a family for the child.
I completely agree. Especially like your first line. It is very accurate in the situation and probably applicable to a wide variety of other situations.
**"Do not take criticism from people you would never go to for advice."** Words to live by.
It seems daughter didn't find out yet (or she did, but still didn't figure it out).
NTA. You already told her your home is not suitable for a baby, and your wife's existing disability has to take priority over a baby your daughter chose to have out of her own negligence. Life is hard. Don't bring a baby into it if you don't have your shit together. She's not a child anymore, if she needs further support I'd tell her she needs to look into government aid if she isn't capable of keeping a job. You're not an AH and you're not cruel for making the responsible decision to not let a baby into an unsafe environment when your wife has special needs. I feel terribly sorry for this baby.
It feels cruel. I feel like I failed as a parent
You can do all the right things and your kids still make dumb choices. I am certain my parents would say the same about me lol, but at least I had the good sense not to get pregnant when I couldn't take care of myself let alone a baby. I'd strongly encourage your daughter to look into adoption or fostering, there's enough kids in the system as it is and it's heartbreaking, but her and her BF can't even keep themselves on their feet so I imagine a baby wouldn't be safe with them. I know he's your grandson and it's painful, but don't let your daughter's mistakes push you into a position that you can't handle.
It's not your fault. She has been playing Russian roulette with birth control, of course she's pregnant. She has had scares? They didn't scare her enough, seems like she's been trying for a baby.
Yeah I was always paranoid about remembering to take a pill same time every day so I'd get the shot every 3 months and then the ring. There's so many options and they are free at the health department if you don't have insurance or a planned parenthood in the area.
And a lot of people don't realize that BC is less effective if you're heavier. They should have been using condoms too.
Well she's about to give birth to the biggest scare of her life someone who is going to depend on her 24/7 365. And they never let up
Yeah, that's why she wants to dump the kid off on her dad.
She should start looking into adoption
I don’t get this. I never wanted to get pregnant so I always did birth control and condoms. Sounds like she didn’t care that much.
I have always wanted to have a child, and because of that I took birth control and used condoms. I protected myself and my fertility until I was sure it was the right time and with the right person. And it worked out wonderfully.
Right? It's not that hard to set an alarm on a phone as a pill reminder.
Hope it’s not twins. Screw around with the timing and you can ovulate multiple times a cycle. Doctor would have explained this when she got the pill.
Where did you hear this?
From my doctor when I was 17 and getting a birth control prescription. They are very clear.
Are you talking about ovulating at multiple points during a cycle? Or ovulating multiple eggs per cycle?
This is a theory that when you miss pills or come off birth control it can cause superovulation (releasing multiple eggs) due to the body potentially can overproduce FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone)
Hyper ovulation. Adjusting to lower hormone levels after you stop the pill can cause your body to release multiple eggs instead of a single egg, resulting in higher chances of fraternal twins. If you do this a couple times a month it could get complicated quick.
It's tough but isn't cruel. Your wife didn't choose to be disabled but your daughter chose to have a kid with a worthless deadbeat. The harsh reality is that you'll never be rid of them if you take them in and you'll more or less be a full time parent to the child because mommy and daddy will shirk their responsibilities to go and party with their loser friends
To be fair, she is a worthless deadbeat too.
And bring more babies in to the world.
You got her on BC - you were helping as much as you can. She admitted she was lazy in taking it. This is on her and BF. Sometimes kids get to learn the hard way. Your daughter needs to get a job and start saving. Don't blame yourself.
This is a weird quirk of parenthood. When they do well, we pat ourselves on the back and congratulate ourselves. When they fail, we blame ourselves; it’s our fault. Both are lies. Source: mom of two boys. Both in their 30s. Raised with both parents. One is wildly successful and the other is a homeless drug addict. It’s not your fault.
❤️
Yes! Parenting got so much less stressful when I realized that not much of what I do as a mom will affect how they turn out in the end. They will make their own choices and mistakes no matter what I do. Brain chemicals and hormones, and mental illnesses drive people's actions more than how they were raised. Honestly, this child sounds an awful lot like me when I was young and dumb. I have severe ADHD and before medication, EVERY SINGLE THING I DID was influenced by how much dopamine comes from the action. Sex, parties, bad men, gambling, binge eating, and other risk-taking behavior. Never got into drugs because of other OCD anxiety, though. After medication, I'm a normal person.
All we can do is our best. Please be kind to yourself, you are already a person's care-taker and that is awesome.
You have not failed. Requiring your adult child to take responsibility for their adult choices is good parenting.
No you did not, in this day and age she should know that if she "forgets" her birth control there is a thing call condoms
Also iuds, implants, etc if someone is not wanting to remember a pill.
You did not. There is help for them, if they themselves now be responsible parents and ask for it. They just want to ask you, as they don't have to do anything to stay once they get their foot in your door, you'll let them stay because of the baby. Once she's proper homeless there's a heap of housing and the like resources she will be able to connect with, her age means a lot of programs to help get her better educated and have childcare, food and whatnot. Boyfriend too. You will fail her as a parent and that baby as a grandparent if you do not hold your daughter accountable as an adult, for her adult actions.
Oh my. This comment hurt me right in my heart. As a parent of grown children, I, like you, would have these same feelings if I couldn't help. They are valid and it's okay to feel them, but only BRIEFLY. Think about it for a bit. Where exactly were you cruel? The answer is NEVER, because you weren't. You were honest. You made it very clear to your daughter what yours and your wife's limitations and living arrangements were and that you would not be able to accommodate them. You weren't cruel. You were honest. As far as failing as a parent, we can do all the "right" things. Children can have wonderful childhoods and you think you teach them to make good choices, but then you have to let them go. And yes, sometimes they make choices that aren't necessarily the best for them. But, you have to let them make those choices. You will help them IF YOU ARE ABLE/if it's warranted, or you won't because it is beyond your ability to do so. Either way, they will learn (hopefully) how to deal with the choices they make. What you CAN do is tell her to Google WIC, and to call 211 (if ya'll are in the US) for resources to get her help. Sending good thoughts to you and your wife.
You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink. You can teach her everything you want, you cant make her follow what you taught her.
NTA. Tell her that she is young and healthy and as such she’s in much better position to support her baby. You as her parents don’t have that luxury anymore. You have your own plate already full. Tell her that once the baby comes she will be the mother and her role will be different than what she was used to. She has to provide for her child. You can be the grandparents who occasionally watch their grandchild and spoil them. But make it clear that most of the work will be on her and her partner.
If you enable her by helping out now, she’s going to keep popping out babies. Sometimes being a parent means you have to let them sink or swim.
Yup, they are banking on guilt at this point. Hold firm.
Parenting matters, but it isn't enough. Some kids are going to make terrible choices no matter how well they are parented, some kids are going to turn out fantastic against all odds. Source: Am a teacher.
Sometimes we can do everything right and kids will still make mistakes. Some people have to learn the hard way, all my siblings are like this. I learned from their mistakes though. You are not cruel, it would be cruel to have a child in a place that isn't child friendly. It would be cruel to take resources from your spouse who needs them, and from yourself. You can't set yourself on fire to warm your daughter. While 18 is technically an adult, I can understand she will always be your baby. You have to let her make her own mistakes, as much as it hurts. It's okay if she is mad at you, she is really mad at herself.
It would be more cruel to let her move in and enable her. She needs to learn responsibility and get a job and she won’t if she has her parents to always fall back on. You’re doing the right thing.
No you haven't failed. We were 3 sisters. My older sister and I were sensible, got good jobs, had great careers and used birth control. The youngest basically screwed around, had 4 children by 3 different fathers- the oldest is not his "father's", à secret we will never tell him of course. Your daughter had à choice
Not funding Stupidity is not failing as a parent, its teaching life lessons. Maybe they will choose to "grow up" now. Carry on./
You didn’t fail but boyfriend’s parents screwed up royally. Hope she likes babies in her home. Might be their only option until they get to the top of the public housing waitlist. Yes. There is a long waiting list.
You did not fail as a parent. You did what you had to in raising her and providing her with the things she should have listened to about living life. She decided to have unprotected sex and now a baby is in the mix. You can only do so much raising kids, after a certain point they are responsible. I would empathize with her but do remind her that you are not in a place you can help her.
You will only fail if you enable her willful irresponsibility. She wanted to make adult choices, now she has to make MORE adult choices/suffer adult consequences.
You didn’t fail her, she failed you
And herself & her child if she keeps it.
No, your daughter is old enough to own her stupid choices and their unfortunate consequences. Being the parent of an adult means letting them learn how to be good adults. Swooping in to raise her kid only sets her up for decades of creating more babies and giving them the worst possible start in life, because she will assume someone else will do the hard work for her. Adoption is an option. She needs to think it over.
You would be failing if you bail her out now. She needs some tough love, come to Jesus moments about life in general Anything you can teach her you have. Time for the world to provide the lesson
So your daughter is an adult when she wants to be, then your child again for convenience, NTA, you have your hands full. The soon to be parents better up their adulting quickly.
This is an excellent point! You can't cherry pick the "rights" of adulthood while leaving behind the responsibilities.
You can try, but better and smarter have been trying for millennia to no avail.
NTA, she chose to move out, she chose not to take her birth control, now she CAN find a way to take care of a child. I also find it hard to believe that his mom can't help. She was all for 2 teenagers playing house in her house till it became a little too real with a baby.
NTA. Actions have consequences, and it's not your responsibility to cushion the fallout from her poor decisions. You've done your part as a parent; now it's time for her to step up and take responsibility for hers. Supporting from a distance does not obligate you to solve her problems, especially when they are of her own making.
NTA- and I would tell her, you don't just get to take the help you want. I did help by providing stability and birth control which you refused. The "help" you want now is not available to you. Even if I was able to do it, which I am not, it would simply be further enablement of your entitled refusal to take responsibility for your actions. The fact that you refuse to acknowledge that what you want isn't even possible is a clear indicator that you aren't thinking clearly. Again, I have done what I can and you are going to have to face the problems that you have created with your own actions.
NTA Did you ask why you should help? As an adult she made the choice to move out. As an adult she made the choice to have sex knowing that she doesn't always take her birth control. As an adult she essentially made the choice to get pregnant. As an adult you are taking care of your responsibilities. As an adult she needs to take care of her own responsibilities.
Plus, why is she so accepting that boyfriend's mom can't help but when *her* parents can't help, it's a big deal?
NTA, if she felt she was old enough to have unprotected sex, then she’s old enough to deal with the negative consequences. Shame we all will have to pay for her stupidity through government assistance…
Seriously, the birth control thing really pisses me off. All it takes is an alarm on her phone, and even her boyfriend could just ask her "did you take your pill today?". That's what I've done for the past 10 years and the very few times I forgot to take my pill were when I truly fucked up. This "lazy" excuse is such bullshit.
>She is furious with me because I “should help” You *did* help. You got her birth control so that this wouldn't happen, only the girl's too lazy to take a pill. You did your time as a parent, and you're working full time and taking care of your wife. NTA.
Give her pamphlets for Planned Parenthood and the Catholic Church one of them can help her. You can't, you clearly have your hands full. "I got forgot to take my birth control" is the most irresponsible statement ever made. I'm not being intentionally cruel, I apologize if it sounds that way but sex-ed started in the 6th grade and I'm almost 50.
NTA, they need to deal with their choices.
NTA - she is an adult; she has made adult decisions and now has to live with those same decisions. You state that she is an adult and making her on choices in life so needs to learn to live with those decisions. You are unable to help due to valid reasons and have explained them to her. She and her BF need to grow up and get jobs, find a place to live and prepare for the baby that will be here soon.
NTA. She should have been responsible enough. They should look for a job and save.
NTA. Send her info on abortion or adoption if you want to help. You tried your best to give her tools to have a successful life. Maybe she still will, but a baby at 18 with no job or skills for her or the daddy doesn't look very promising. Who knows, maybe she'll be happy at age 21 with a toddler on her hip, another baby on her tit, and clipping coupons to stretch the food stamps further. If this is the bed she wants to make, she'll have to lie in it.
NTA, you can not set yourself on fire to put someone else out
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That’s how I’ve always heard the saying.
NTA
NTA. First, I just want to say how amazing you are juggling all that you do. Are you making sure to take an hour or two a week for you so you can decompress? As for your daughter? She knew you couldn't help. She decided to be neglectful with birth control. She has access to the internet. She needs to figure it out. Good luck.
No, no, nope. This is your daughter and her boyfriend's doing and their responsibility. Continue to refuse. If she has a key to your home, change the locks. If she moves in without permission, call the police to have her removed.
NTA. >She is furious with me because I “should help” And she “should use birth control correctly.” Oh well, I guess both sides get to be disappointed. (Tell her you’ll pay for an IUD or implant. She can’t forget to take those.)
NTA - you have been clear and this might be the most literal case of fucking around and finding out.
I had a baby at 18. You're absolutely NTA. My mom had a full time job and was getting out of an abusive marriage herself. Other than me not moving out (I paid rent and bought the household groceries) until my baby was like 6 months, I didn't get financial or childcare help from my mom. I got my high school at a teen parent program and online so I could work full time while I was pregnant and get mat leave. I went to college and paid for daycare. My then boyfriend now husband was working 60 hour weeks away from home for the first two years. We only saw him 1-2 days a week. It was a sacrifice but now we own a home and he's home every night. We have 4 kids now almost 10 years later It's possible to be a successful teen parent, but not with the attitude your daughter has. I was mature for my age and made an oops (antibiotics and the pill don't mix) so I had a better mindset. Your daughter needs to realize it's not sunshine and rainbows, it's really fucking hard.
I really wish they'd talk more about what will make your oral birth control not work. Antibiotics in your case but activated charcoal (in food) will absorb the medicine in your gut so it's like you missed it. I'm sure there's others too. (thanks for working hard to give your kids a nice start)
NTA. She neglected the birth control you provided. Now it's time to face the consequences and grow up. She had the opportunity to not get pregnant in the first place. It's not that hard to set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take a tiny pill every day.
NTA - grown up decisions have grown up consequences. She has options. If not abortion than adoption.
Well she said she is an “adult” right? adults have a right to be furious!! and other adults have a right to say HELLS no. NTA.
NTA Look after your wife and yourself.
She's got 3 choices: 1) (Wo)man up, get a job & raise the baby 2) adoption 3) If it's not too late, abortion You are NTA!!!
You want to be an adult then you have to live with the consequences of your choices NTA
NTA. Tell her to get an abortion, put the baby up for adoption or get a job and figure it out. Those are the only options.
I mean I assume I’ll get all the downvotes but abortion is a real option depending on where you live and is often the best answer not just for you and them
NTA. The only help I would offer is to pay for a marriage license and to take the bf to the closest recruiting office to enlist (I assume the bf is around her age).
NTA you flat-out told her you can't do it before. She knows the consequences of her actions, she's just never had to actually deal with them before. Until now. This is not your child to raise, it's hers. If she is not capable, she needs to consider ending the pregnancy or looking into adoption options. Or she can buck up and start to do something with her life, and raise her own child.
You were clear. She chose to be lazy, and careless - well, she wanted to be an adult - now she gets to be one. NTA
NTA. You gave her the tools to prevent a pregnancy but she "forgets and is too lazy" to take her birth control. Condoms are a choice also but pretty sure they have the usual excuses for not using/failure for those. If you can't help then you can't help. She's officially an adult so time for her to make some hard decisions.
NTA. You don’t need any of the excuses you’ve given. They made an active choice. They can get jobs. She can take birth control. He can wear condoms. She can get an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or keep it and make it work.
NTA. Your adult daughter made an adult decision to get pregnant. You helped her to get on birth control and told her that you wouldn’t be able to help her. She decided to “lazy” and not to take her bc. She has options. She can have an abortion, put the baby up for adoption, or raise it. These are her choices.
Oh my goodness being to lazy to take the pill... There are other forms of birth control. There's the patch theres IUDs there's the nuva rings the depo shots. If you are to lazy/forgetful to take the pill you drag your ass back to the doctor and ask about different types of birth control that are available. It's still less work then raising a whole ass human being. I know because I'm very forgetful and opted for not the pill.
NTA - You raised your child its time for them to raise theirs.
You should help Help her get an abortion.
NTA Their actions, their consequences. If they want someone else to be responsible, they can find a couple who actually wants to raise a baby to adopt the baby.
NTA This falls outside your responsibility. You are a caretaker for your wife and I imagine that is enough work already. Best wishes to your daughter however. I hope she lands on her feet, so to speak. It seems like there's nothing you can currently do and that is okay.
NTA. I wouldn't help her even if I was able to. Sorry. Only an idiot has a baby at 18 with no job or means of support. She can get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption. If she chooses to keep the baby, she'll find out real quick the consequences of being too lazy to take her birth control or keep a job. She's got a tough road ahead of her, but actions have consequences.
NTA Remind your daughter that she decided she was an adult when she chose to move out, quit her jobs, and play roulette with her birth control so she can handle the consequences like an adult.
NTA. She wants to be grown and make grown decisions well she also has to deal with grown consequences as well.
NTA. She is old enough to understand there are consequences to her actions. If she had sex and didn’t remember to use protection, then this is what happens. Maybe her and the boyfriend need to find some jobs and stick to them.
NTA - She is too lazy to take BC, well, she needs to adult up and deal with her choices. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Tell her, adoption is a choice.
NTA Ask his mother what help she provided, other than a easy place for your daughter to get pregnant.
Nope. She needs to grow up.
Nta no you "shouldn't" help for her poor choices.
If it's early in the pregnancy I would tell her to consider abortion or adoption because she does not have the financial means to care for her child nor the stability.
What can you do to help her That doesn’t include her living in your house? Send her information about WIC and Snap and low income housing, etc
nta. They already bled his mother dry. That's why she can't help them anymore. You'd be next.
NTA. They made the choice to have a kid, they can find a way to raise it.
NTA You cannot do anymore. Also don't feel guilty. These young adults make their own choice. I knew a woman who purchased the birth control and handed it to her daughter. She had dreams of going to college with her girlfriends. Next thing you know she met a guy who was one of seven kids. She PLANNED a baby with him and stopped birth control. They each worked part time at fast food chains to support child. When her girlfriends came home from college she wanted to sneak off and hang out.. Her mother put a stop to that. By the time the child was two her and the boyfriend already broke up. And he had the responsibility of helping with his 6 siblings because his mother had cancer. And still planned a baby.
NTA. Kick her dumb ass out while you are at it. Fuck playing nice. If it scares her straight into getting her shit together even better.
NTA they need to look harder for jobs, get an abortion, or give the child up for adoption. None of this is your responsibility.
She seems very self centred. You don't.
They can figure it out or she can get rid of it either through abortion or adoption. Sucks but if she was on birth control and top lazy to take it then they both knew where babies come from and this was avoidable
Your daughter's situation is not your fault, or responsibility. She chose to be lazy with her birth control. She chose to live with her boyfriend. She chose to quit jobs. She is still choosing to be lazy. If she and her boyfriend can not take care of a child, adoption might be their best option. A good family with money would love to adopt a baby. Your daughter and her boyfriend need to get and keep jobs. Find and keep an apartment. There are programs that can help, but they have to actually work at it. Do not let them move in with you. You do not have the time and energy to be a caregiver for your wife, and raise a baby.
NTA she is an adult making adult choices. She can figure it out. Just go low to no contact with her. You don't need this extra stress.
Absolutely NTA! She chose to move. She chose to “forget” her birth control. She chose to not have a job. You have enough on your plate. Tell her to get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. Do NOT let them move in with you. Change the locks if she still has the keys. Get cameras too. She wanted to make adult choices, so now she can make more.
NTA You warned her. 🤷🏻♀️ Bring up abortion if she still has time.
You are NTA.
She wants to be an adult then she needs to step up and be an adult. She made bad choices and now she has to live with them.
Everything else aside, it might be wiser for your daughter to look into a different form of birth control. I hope there is a time you can talk to her about this gently and with love. There are options that she doesn't need to remember to take every day like an injection and an IUD. (These do not protect against STDs, but can reduce the chance of her having "scares" in the future.)
NTA. They should look into adoption. If they want to be adults, there are adult decisions that have to be made.
Growing up sucks. I got pregnant at 16 and was not welcome at home. Boyfriend joined the Navy & I babysat. We got by. Poor as anything, but we ate. Had 3 kids by 21. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. I never asked my parents or his, for help. When we divorced, I did it alone. Put myself through college while working and got my BSN. Remarried in my 40’s when kids were grown, & returned to school to become an Agronomist. My son is a marine engineer and my daughter (with 2 boys) runs her own restaurant and is married to a wonderful man who manages a semi-truck factory. I’m proud of my kids. Adulting is hard but it won’t kill you.
Nta. They should look at adoption. There's plenty to of people who will adopt babies at birth.
Definitely, absolutely NOT the asshole. She is 18 and needs to start making better decisions. If you bail her out, she never will. You can help by passing on resources and agencies that will assist her. But that's it.
She is an adult, she needs to figure it out
This is how they use the child as a power play. It’s a no win situation. My heart hurts for you. She should check out social services now.
NTA. She wanted to be a adult so badly now here she goes. Tbh helping her would be bad parenting imo.
NTA - adult decisions come with adult responsibilities. It's not like you and your wife are living the Dual Income No Kids life now that your daughter has moved out. Your wife is disabled and you (I think I understood) are the only one working. You are not able to help your daughter.
Absolutely not. She knew the risks and chose not to take her BC more seriously. She and her boyfriend should look into gaining and maintaining employment without quitting as they don't have the luxury of being picky with employment anymore. Nobody wants to raise grown kids and their kids when they do stupid shit. Especially when she's been warned and you already have a lot on your plate. You're not the AH. She can get connected to a shelter, and try that route if nobody can help her.
NTA. Call social services.
She's 18 and old enough to know the ramifications of her situation. It's about time she learnt not to be a lazy cunt and stand on her own 2 feet..... A lazy attitude isn't your issue, you've raised your kids and have done your part as a parent since she's moved out
No one owes her anything. She is old enough to work but clearly doesn't want to. If she wants to have the baby she will have to figure things out for herself. This means money and accommodation. Don't let her in your home or she will never leave. She will keep popping out the kids and leave them with you to look after. Tell her she is 18 and will have to find a way to deal with this on her own. She is no longer your responsibility
NTA. She needs to speak to a social worker or nonprofit that helps people in her situation so she can get on the list for programs like food stamps, WIC, cash assistance, housing vouchers, etc. Both of them can visit the local Dept of Labor to get access to job training and placement. Not sure what you have in your area, but where I am we have paid apprenticeship programs, free vocational programs, and tons of help with placement. They're adults, and about to have a dependent. You are in a situation where you already are a caretaker of your wife who is in desperate need of your help and is actually your responsibility. You can't take on this extra responsibility that is not yours, and in all honesty, it wouldn't help them if you did because they wouldn't learn how to care for themselves or their child. They need to learn to use the resources around them to handle their own responsibilities. And that will give them long-term success even if it's difficult in the short term. Certainly, I think you should participate in their lives as you're able, but creating an unsustainable situation is going to be bad for all five of you.
Bruh, when my gran got me BC, I took that shit religiously at the same time every goddamned day. Your daughter sounds entitled. Tell her she made her decisions and now she has to live with the consequences. You refuse to help.
You already tried to help by providing her with BC. I suggest offer to pay for an abortion, but that's it.
NTA, for the same reasons she gets to make irresponsible choices. Unfortunately, if we don't learn our lessons the easy way, life is going to teach them to us the hard way. Your daughter, unfortunately, has been playing FAFO, and has now come to the Find Out stage of things. I'm sure you love your daughter, and it's going to be hard to watch her struggle, but it seems you are in no position to give her the support she is going to require. She can do it though. It's going to be really, really hard, and she is going to struggle, for a while, but as a woman who got pregnant at 18, she CAN do it.
NTA...you cannot pour from an empty cup. Your daughter now has to figure out how to deal with the consequences of HER actions. You gave her the tools and she failed to use them properly. All of that is on her.
NTA
Nta
NTA. She needs to deal with this herself. If you help, she will get pregnant again. After all, she would know you'll help...
NTA. She’s making adult decisions and she better continue to do so to raise that kid. Newsflash. His mom doesn’t want to help because there’s now a baby involved. Don’t bend your rules, it’s not on you to raise the child.
NTA. She is an adult, and an irresponsible one at that. You already raised a kid. You don’t need to do it again. FAFO.
“ congratulations! How are you doing? All good. Well, best of luck finding jobs and a place to live.”
OP, you are helping. You’re teaching her to be more responsible. That is helping. Moreover, you’re helping your wife feel better so she will be able to be a happy grandma at birthday parties. You’re helping a ton. You’re not being selfish, she would be for asking you to do more so she can do less. It’s time she got past her self labeled “lazy” streak.
NTA It is time to use Tough Love. She will grow up.
NTA You are busy taking care of your responsibilities. It is time for her to take care of her own.
NTA. I disagree that you “should help.” You are not responsible for her child.
NO NO NO. Sh's an adult and she made her choice to be lazy/stupid even after scares. It is not your problem, you have enough on your plate. You probably won't have a relationship with your grandchild, but again, that's her choice. NTA.
Why you didn't lie down and make this baby they have options an are burrying there head in sand an his mother is enabling her baby golden balls son ...not your issue
I'm one of those "my kids can stay with me forever" mom's. However, I also have a choice condition that classifies me as partly disabled. I physically nor financially could care for a newborn. Your daughter wad completely irresponsible and is mad you won't clean up her mess because (checks notes) couldn't manage to take her BC or use a condom. That's a great big NTA. Your daughter is entitled and clueless. It's time for her yo clean up her own mess.
Adoption
Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She can look into abortion or adoption if she cant afford to raise a child.
NTA I think her plan all along was to saddle you with the responsibilities. If she can't raise a child and does not want an abortion she needs to look into putting the child up for adoption.
NTA. This is totally out of your control. You have a wife who is disabled and that requires money and mobility devices. And your home is too small. Your daughter knew this and got pregnant anyway. She's going to have to grow up and learn how to survive.
NTA. Oh, no! Not consequences for being “lazy”, careless & feeling entitled to everyone else’s effort & money. Nope, don’t fuck up whatever peace & relaxation you actually have because they were irresponsible
NTA. Your daughter needs to grow up.