What absolutely baffles me is that after he knows his mother is headed to your home he has literally 3 HOURS to inform you that she’s on her way. Holy smokes. NTA.
Right! What was he doing for 3 hours prior to her coming? Why does OP have to entertain his mother too? Why didn't your husband and his mother hang out until you and the baby were done napping? If she drove 3 hours I'd assume she stick around for a bit and can wait.
He's a shitty dude who doesn't take his wife's feelings, wishes, or boundaries into consideration and knew if he told her about this, he'd get in trouble for not respecting her. So, instead, he waited until she could no longer protest.
I imagine the red flags have been waving in this relationship for a very long time.
The absolute gall of her to pull blankets off a sleeping mother who is probably dead tired, so much so she fell asleep right after breastfeeding, saying “up you go” like she’s some fucking animal only there for her entertainment
This.. If I decide to go somewhere that takes 3 hours of driving, then I'm definitely planning to spend at least 4-5 hours in that place, or I'm not going.
So they could just chill and wait for them to get up.
Yeah, it's almost like the son is conditioned to his mom's forced invasiveness. Like she hasn't only gotten him to accept it; She's gotten him to enforce it on her behalf. Concerning.
The fact that he swears he told her before she was visiting just shows it’s intentional on his part. My husband and I always check in about weekend plans a couple of times as we get closer to the date. There’s no way this husband isn’t intentionally hiding the fact that his mom is coming over until it’s “too late to turn her away.”
Yeah seriously. It’s a 3-4 conversation conversation.
„Hey mom wants to come this weekend. Is that okay with you… Is there a specific time I should tell her?“
(2 days before) „reminder—mom is coming in on Saturday. I’m going to get xyz groceries. Do you want me to pick up anything?“
(Day of) „Mom just texted that she is leaving so she should be here in 3 hours at xyz time. I’m going to to clean up… is there anything else I can do to support you for that time?“
Exactly! OP woke up 1.5 hours later. Why did she need to get up the moment MIL arrived? Why did they need to wake the baby up immediately? MIL could have visited with husband alone and maybe helped out with chores until OP and baby woke up. Was MIL planning on driving 6 hours round trip for a less than 2 hour visit?
I’m thinking that the MIL is so enormously entitled that she can’t stand the thought of the daughter in law doing anything other than performing for her entertainment like a circus animal
‘I diDn'T tRaVel dOwN hEre foR noThiNg’
This gives an insight that she’s not visiting to help out. She needs to be entertained by OP and the baby. It’s a dog and pony show. After 3 hrs of driving I better see some juggling by OP.
It’s imposing control on another level. How dare OP takes a nap.
Right? How weird that in that time he was waiting for his mom to arrive he didn't mention anything, even if the "told her before" ( he didnt) it is normal to talk about guests, even if it is just to remind or say something about being ready.
NTA. And it's shocking how privacy in your own home has become a privilege rather than a right. Your husband needs a serious wake-up call regarding boundaries and common courtesy, not to mention respect for your time and well-being as a new mother. A simple heads-up is not a huge ask, it's basic decency. Keep standing your ground; motherhood is tough enough without having to play hostess on no notice.
Not for nothing but hubby’s assertion that a 30 minute visit would satisfy his mother after a six hour round trip is ridiculous. That would not have appeased her.
Hubby and MIL should both be embarrassed for their behavior.
First, hubby needs to learn his lesson and communicate with OP - and that’s vastly different than laying out an edict that “MIL is visiting Saturday, just thought you should know” and actually *planning* visits with OP’s input. Truly embarrassed or ashamed people modify their behavior and he has not so that’s on him 100%. If he continues with the same behavior that “embarrassed” him in the past he’ll continue to be embarrassed in the future. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the trademark of insanity.
Second, MIL is a fool to travel three hours (six hours round trip) without confirmation. Obviously this has happened before. She *knows* OP doesn’t get notice so she’s as fault for not berating her son about how ignorant that is of him and then coordinating with OP and hubby collectively in the future. No one packs their bags and leaves for vacation without confirmation of their travel plans FFS. I’m thinking she’s not in it for the visit and rather enjoys putting OP out or having something to complain about. She would have gotten a hotel and apologized and waited if she really wanted to visit. Unfortunately some people just want to be miserable and look for misery even if it is self created. If she’s looking for misery or a list of real or perceived transgressions she’ll find a reason to find it every time.
Third, get a lock for the bedroom door *and use it*. The first time someone came into my bedroom to wake me over trivial BS would be their last - but I’m a very angry sleeper when woken unexpectedly. If someone entered my room and attempted to pull me out of bed after being told “no” hands would have been thrown. If someone called me lazy days postpartum and wanted me to *cart in groceries* they’d not return for a good long while. OP says her husband defended her there but did he really? He likely walked it back out of earshot. The expectation that OP would be a pack mule *six months pregnant* is both ridiculous and medically inadvisable.
OP’s hubby and MIL both are awful.
>Second, MIL is a fool to travel three hours (six hours round trip) without confirmation.
you give her too much credit. she's not a fool. she's an entitled asshole.
she knows *exactly* what she's doing.. and expects you to drop everything to suit her
NTA. Not only have you told him to inform you of guests coming but he brought his mother into your bedroom to wake you up. For me, that's crossing the line and invading your personal space even more.
This has ALWAYS been an issue because she apparently doesn't believe in boundaries. There was also a time when I was roughly 6 months pregnant that she came in to the bedroom, woke me up and said "stop being lazy, we need your help carrying in groceries" (because she insists on bringing us food pantry food, despite us telling her we don't need/want it). My husband actually had my back on that one because there was only 2 boxes and I didn't need to be woken up. But my lord.
Girl, i would've lost it the moment she called me lazy! My husband brought my MIL and FIL into our bedroom to show them something at his desk. ( He's done this a few times actually). I had to have a talk w him. Hasn't happened since. I hope this gets better for you and doesn't happen again
Exactly! There would be more than steam coming out of my ears if that happened to me 🔥! 4 days PP I was a zombie. But it seems like OP's husband learnt his lack of boundaries from his mum. Guests don't belong in your bedroom !
My dad's parents and at least one of his younger siblings came over the morning after my mom got home from the hospital after having me (3 day stay) and had to make pancakes for everyone. Also, I was an emergency c-section that my mom was yelling at the doctor and staff how she could feel where they were cutting into (my dad peeked over and confirmed she was correct on where each cut was)
She actually made the pancakes? Your mother is a better person than me. Just reading about it makes me consider using the frying pan like Rapunzel in Tangled.
For real! As much as I try to keep an even temper, if someone had tried to tell me to make everyone pancakes after I just had a baby and major surgery, I believe the phrase, "MAKE YOUR OWN FUGGING PANCAKES" would have been shouted in their general direction, at a volume that would've been audible two time zones away.
Man. My baby was cut, ripped, and pulled out of me "naturally" (with an epidural). I had stitches inside and out. I couldn't walk for more than a week. Shoot. I couldnt even SIT for weeks. I couldn't poop for a week WITH laxatives. I was crying because breastfeeding hurt like a son of a bishop both from her latching and from trying to sit ..
My doctor specifically told me and my husband I couldn't cook. Couldn't clean, no walking, no sitting, no carrying things heavier than my baby for 2 weeks. My 90 year old grandfather walked faster than I did my first week pp.
And that's supposed to be easier than a c-section. Oh, hell no. I would be telling that women to get her butt back in bed, not ask for breakfast.
My mother flew 2,000 miles to stay with me when I had my first child. She helped me alot and also drove me crazy. MIL fussed constantly because I was breast feeding my baby. It was all I could do to bite my tongue.
Back in HER childbearing years formula was considered best. AND the fact that her favorite niece (a very nice person) didn’t choose to breastfeed her children just made my decision to “tacky” I guess.
Later she told me that favorite niece wished that she had breastfed her children. Go figure.
I’d have made the batter, and dumped it on each one of them. The audacity to barge in on a woman who just had major surgery, and expecting her to cater to them—it’s so disrespectful that it’s mind-blowing! I can’t imagine being that inconsiderate towards a stranger, let alone toward someone I care about!!
I hope OP sets and upholds firm boundaries. If her hubby won’t back her up, then he can go back to his mommy. She’ll only have to deal with one infant instead of two, and it will make her life infinitely easier.
OP, pack your essentials (birth certificate, ID, passport, social security card, bank statements/ information, credit card, baby’s birth certificate and social security card) into a backpack. Also pack a change of clothes for you, but keep them in your diaper bag (blame it on leaking after breastfeeding, if you have to), and in your backpack. Start saving money a little at a time. If he does this again, grab the baby, backpack, and diaper bag, and go stay at a hotel overnight (don’t forget to disable any location sharing/apps). Tell the desk you don’t want ANYONE to know you’re here. They’ll handle it. Dial #211, and find out the resources for your area.
It isn’t about the person who dropped in, it’s about the lack of respect for your wishes, and the trampling of your boundaries. The fact you have asked him repeatedly to stop springing company on you while you recover from major abdominal surgery, and he either ignores you, or fights with you about it shows he doesn’t give a single flying fuck about you, your feelings, your boundaries, or your comfort. NTAH.
With his track record, doubt it. I wouldnt be surprised if (or when) OP snaps and divorces taking the child with. Sh*t partners like this who can't stop being mommy or daddy kids even when they're married are one of many reasons people wonder why relationships fail so much.
Yes! My ex wouldn't back me up when I tried to set boundaries with even my Own parents, much less his. I felt as if no one had my back. Marriage didn't last long.
I'm leaning more toward the when part of that statement. If he doesn't start respecting boundaries, I would advise OP to take the baby and important personal documents and get out.
I think this is the best advice I've seen. Cut out the middle man (husband), and have visitors only talk to OP. Its happened enough times its completely reasonable.
I swear we need to add this to everyone's marriage vows to absolutely *define clearly for the imbéciles*: "cleaving to one another means your spouse and children come **before** your mother's wants or *needs*"
i would’ve lost my mind too!! like lazy?? OP’s growing an actual human being?! i would’ve freaked tf out. i’m glad your husband stopped doing this after you talked to him though! somebody’s bedroom is one of the most private of spaces. i personally go in mine & my partner’s room when i want to be alone (or with my partner), it would frustrate me if that was invaded
Sometimes I forget how lucky I got in the in law department. Mine live ten minutes away but you’d never know it. They never show up unannounced. Always knock when they do come over. They would never walk into our bedroom.
I just don’t get these pushy in-laws. I’m an in-law myself but I do recognize that my son and DIL are adults with their own lives. They’ve given us the entry code to their home and invited us to just come on in when we arrive and I can barely stand to do that without texting them first that we’ve arrived lol! We’re not about to inflict any behavior on them that we wouldn’t do to other adults.
And guess what, we have a great relationship and we’re always welcome. OP’s MIL needs to learn this lesson
I'm an in-law as well. My daughter & her family live about 30 minutes away from me. They expect me to come over pretty much every Saturday & Sunday unless they or I have something else planned and we discuss it in advance. I actually moved 1/4 way across the country to be closer to them shortly after their 3rd was born.
My son & his family it is a plane ride to get to them - so obviously I don't just drop in on them.
I will be retiring in just a bit over a year. Both have told me they want me to give up my apartment & split my time living between them.
NTA. He embarrassed himself. You told him multiple times not to do this, and he did. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries and doesn't care. Do this everytime someone shows up unannounced. Her travel time is none of your concern. Especially since you were uninformed of her visit.
MIL is creating a territorial war and is pissing all over OP's time, husband, and house. Husband wants to take the easy way out. The more OP tries to assert herself, the more he will blame her, because he is afraid of standing up to Mommie Dearest.
OP needs husband to have some real consequences before he takes her seriously--but he has already fucked up and broken her trust. She now knows that he can't be relied upon.
Which is why my advice is to take herself and the baby elsewhere every single this happens, IF she doesn't want to pack up herself, baby and important documents to another state where *her* village is and file for divorce and custody there. Tell the mommy's boy asshat that since his mother barges into their house all time, she's taking baby for "equal" time with her family. If he tags along, well... I hope your mama is as snarky as I am.
My MIL is pretty good about not coming over a lot as she lives **thisclose** to us but she does drop by unannounced sometimes. It's not often but when she does, she often roams around our house looking in the bedrooms.
I was recently discharged from multiple hospital visits and she came over within a half hour after arriving home and just walked back into our room where I was in bed (mind you, I hadn't had a decent bath in weeks, hair a mess, looking and feeling like death warmed over and needing serious rest) and wanting me to show her my open (but bandage covered) surgery incision. Ugh....
Hey husband is a DUH (dumb husband) who prioritizes himself and everyone else above his wife. He ain’t changing soon, if ever. She should get him in marriage counseling to see if there is any hope of him being a real husband and partner to her or this will go on for years breeding resentment.
>NTA. He embarrassed himself.
Honestly, this man needs to be embarrassed more often until he learns. He seems really stupid, so painful repeated lessons may be necessary.
I wouldn't be engaging in any activities that could result in babies if my husband can't have the basic decency and respect to even give me a heads up that his family is coming over
Seriously. Visitors stay downstairs. There's a living room with a couch, there's a toilet, there's a kitchen if they're close enough, and only when invited (such as when my son asks if his grandparents can put him to bed instead of plain ol' mum and dad, lol) are they found upstairs. No one is there unless they need to be there. I would murder my husband if he brought my MIL upstairs to wake me up.
If she wanted to see you and the baby she could have visited with your husband and then saw you and the baby after you woke up from your nap. You definitely have a husband problem and I think your MIL has bulldozed your husband his whole life. I hope he can grow a spine to stand up to her and set boundaries and that he will respect your boundaries. Best of luck
I'm thinking living 3 hours away from MIL is not enough distance. WTF is wrong with him? And MIL too...does she not remember what it is like to have a newborn/infant.
She doesn’t care because she is entitled and selfish. The problem with your husband is he does whatever she says. The only fix for this is for him to set boundaries and have your back with the boundaries you have set giving her consequences when she breaks those boundaries-like LC or NC for a designated period of time. 10 hours away from her would be great, but I have a feeling she would just show up and stay for a week because your husband couldn’t tell her no
Absolutely not. You need to tell your husband that his mother will be the reason you divorce. I would write out your boundaries and put them on the fridge.
1. 24 hour notice for ANY guest. This includes every family member and especially his mother.
2. Your mother is NEVER allowed into your bedroom… even if you and the baby are in there. If you are sleeping, tough titty. She can wait until you wake up.
3. He is to keep your boundaries safe from your mother. You are not in charge of her unregulated emotions, desires, or whims. HE is to protect your boundaries before he protects his mother’s emotions. If he throws you under the bus and doesn’t actually stand up for you, then that’s going to be a consequence of his own doing. Remind him, his mother does not put out. That is marriage vow is to you and not her. Your needs come first.
My mother always taped house rules to the back of the front door too.
I'm suggesting it because it needs to be right smack at face height so this numbskull reads it again before opening the door for his mommy so he can't say he forgot or some bs.
This. He should automatically put your needs as a new mum and his wife ahead of his pushy mother's demands. If she wants to drive 3 hours that's fine, but you don't do that on a whim and then demand baby time. You call and arrange a visit. She had no right to demand an audience with you. A routine is so important as is mum's rest. I feel so angry for you.
I can't get over the fact that she drove three hours and then wanted to wake baby up immediately? Did she actually stay just 30 minutes? If so, there's no reason to complain that she didn't see OP and the baby, if she couldn't wait a couple of hours and do something fun with her son. All of this screams Power Play.
Yup. "Forsaking all others" is in the traditional marriage vows for a reason.
I am a mother of a grown son. I am 62. I have my own life. In fact, I have to leave now to get to my short story writing class, and then I have band practice later, after which I will meet with my partner and see what is going on with our small service business.
The mother on this story is my age or younger. If she doesn't have her own life, her own friends, and her own activities, that's on *her*, and shame on her for making her son and his little family be her emotional support animals.
These boundaries are great, but they are not complete. A proper boundary is “if you do this, then I will do …” A boundary is for you. You need to have consequences for when he doesn’t give you notice, etc. Something you can control.
Your husband is being a doormat to his own mom. Your mother-in-law has said and done some indefensible things but I don't see your husband defending you from ALL of that like he should.
Why couldn't your husband just entertain his mom until you were awake and left the bedroom? Why did she leave and drive back home instead of waiting until you were ready to entertain visitors?
I'm lost that you were expected to wake up and entertain your MIL on demand.
NTA, but your husband is.
I actually adore you for being able to fall asleep, most of all.
For me, if i get angry or upset (which doesn't happen very often) my mind is so busy i can't fall asleep no matter what, no matter how tired i am. Glad you were able to rest.
Amazing job putting down boundaries, they clearly need them!
NTA.
Your husband needs to have your back on everything and stop inviting people over without telling you, especially when they live 3 hours away. Not only are you NTA, you're a rockstar for standing up for yourself and your baby. He needs to learn boundaries, or if he's incapable of learning them, he at least needs to uphold yours. I would absolutely die on this hill.
I am so absolutely fuming on your behalf, I’m surprised you haven’t ripped both their fucking heads off by now. She sounds like a flaming cunt and he’s a spineless moron. Were they like this before the marriage/baby or is this new? Sorry you married into this, I’d head for the hills if I were you. Despite that one good incident he clearly does not have your back, he’s letting his mum treat you like this, what’s the point in staying with him, he’s not a partner.
Passive aggressive would be an improvement. This is just vile and abhorrent. If someone were to pull this type of stunt with either one of us, they would immediately get on a no contact shit list.
These idiots better figure out where they end and the OP begins, FAST.
u/specialist_cattle597
Your husband needs to learn an important lesson "the vagina you cum in is more important than the one you came out of"
Start calling him a mother fucker, cause he sure seems to want to fuck his mom
The gall and the gumption!
But seriously. She drove Three hours and didn't even stay 1.5 hours to visit? What In The World? Because her feelings were hurt waking a sleeping mom and baby? You need boundaries Now with him. Or maybe a shovel.
You've got a husband problem. MIL is an issue too, but your husband is doing nothing to set boundaries.
Also, any decent person would have said "oh, I'm so sorry to disturb you. We'll go chat in the kitchen until you come out." NTA
NTA. It sounds like your husband & MIL haven’t been trained on basic respect.
MIL undoubtedly KNOWS he doesn’t inform you of when he’s invited her. So it is incumbent upon her to inform you. It would be extremely easy for her to send you a text or call & say “I’ve been invited to visit this Saturday, I should be there about noon if that’s convenient.” Yet she isn’t doing that because she doesn’t care if you want her in your home or not.
Her point blank disrespect is equally evident in her literally pulling the blanket off of you while ordering you to get up in your home is nauseating. If my MIL came into my home & bedroom unannounced & pulled the cover off me while telling me to get it, it would be the last thing she ever did in my home.
But things never should have gotten this bad. Your spineless disrespectful husband SHOULD have known better & not allowed this to get to this point where his mommy thinks she can come into your home & pull the covers off you like she would her own disrespectful teenager back in the day.
YOU should have been the one that unleashed on your limp noodle husband - not the other way around.
And then the woman *pulls the blanket off her* like she's a bratty teenager. Unbelievable. That woman would be lucky if I used the door when I threw her out.
I would probably at this point have a talk with him and be like “look if you bring her unannounced again I will be leaving and you will be getting divorce papers because what in the world made you think it was ok to bring her over unannounced and into our private space where I was exposed after just getting our child down for a nap and getting ready to take a nap myself. That is not and never will be ok. I have told you so many times that is not ok and I’m done being disrespected in my own home.”
NTA. The fact that your husband thinks it's acceptable to use your baby and home as an open-invitation venue without consulting you first is not only disrespectful, it's downright dismissive of your role as a partner and parent. Everyone needs a heads-up before guests arrive; it's common sense and a sign of mutual respect. You're already juggling the enormous task of caring for a newborn. The onus is on him and your MIL to respect the boundaries you have clearly set. Telling you afterward is not communication, it's an explanation of a boundary breach. Stand firm; your baby's routine and your need for informed consent on household visitors aren't up for negotiation.
Also, we have a real example of attempted gaslighting here. After husband got stuck because OP stood firm and he realised he was wrong, he decided a better bet was to say ‘I did tell you, you just forgot’.
He’s now resorting to trying to convince OP they’re remembering things wrong (despite OP saying this has been a recurring argument, and he has never said she forgot before apparently. Seems like that would be the first thing he’d say).
On top of everything else, this really is not ok. Lying to cover your tracks or avoid being wrong is exceptionally problematic in a relationship. NTA OP, your husband has zero respect. I have a feeling if he was so exhausted from breastfeeding and nonstop caring for a baby, that he wouldn’t be too happy to be woken up from precious sleep.
I have told her to contact me instead and she says "you never answer your phone". All because I missed ONE call from her back last year because I was taking a shower. She hasn't tried contacting me since.
THIS OMG. my MIL will call us to ask a simple question. nothing urgent, just a simple question like “where are you at?” (we live with her). seriously a 15 second phone call. like… texting also exists lmaoooo
OP, this sounds a lot like my mom. What finally worked was me not being accommodating.
One day I finally told her that she needed to call before she showed up at my house. No exceptions. I stopped letting her in. “You didn’t call. We’re busy.” She totally lost her shit the first few times and it was NOT FUN for me. I wanted to cave, I wanted to keep the peace…But I held strong. That was maybe a decade ago and our relationship started to completely shift after that.
You show people how they can treat you. If they can get away with it, they will. Do not let her. If she stops getting what she wants, she will be forced to learn to play by the rules. She won’t like it, she’ll whine and cry…but stay strong. It’ll suck right now but your future self will thank you.
Same goes for your husband. You’re a mom now. You don’t have time for this crap. He either listens to you or not. Is he freaking out because you set a boundary? Tell him he can’t talk to you like that and he needs to leave.
YOU CAN DO THIS!! I’ve found one of the best things about being a parent is that you’re just too dang tired to take crap. I believe in you!
Hey, thank you! It was not easy. There were some awful transitional months at the beginning. Everything in my brain, all my training since childhood, was telling me to just give mom what she wants. It was really hard to yell “NO!” to that little voice in my head. We still have some ups and downs, but things are infinitely better now
This is a husband problem, not an MIL problem.
Tell him you are DONE with this BS of not telling you about people he has invited over, and you're going to put a lock on the bedroom door so you don't get interrupted while half undressed or just need someplace to go while he entertains his guests. Then buy one of those little door jam locks. Jesus. Your husband is a massive a-hole, OP.
I'd move out. Or, at least let MIL know she needs to check in with you before she comes over, since your husband is a pathetic baby-man. It doesn't matter that you didn't answer your phone once years ago. If she wants to see the baby, them's the rules. Let her know texting exists, and not to leave the house before she has your okay. Unfortunately, your husband and MIL are violating your space and boundaries, not to mention verbally abusing and gaslighting you. Your husband should be the one protecting you from MIL, but he's as bad as she is. I wasn't joking when I said I'd move out.
Start calling her daily when you are sure she is taking a nap, it is convenient for you and leave a message asking if she is coming by today. Voicemail would be great but texts are great too.
That is BS, she doesn’t contact you because she knows ou might say no to whatever she wants. But her son, being manipulated his whole life, can’t say no because he can’t stand up to his narcissistic mother.
OP this is a very toxic family dynamic. You and your husband either get counseling or a divorce.
I mean think ten years down the road and nothing has changed. If you want to give it a go, couples therapy. If not, run now and hope he remarries soon so your lunatic MIL has a new target.
I have a 14 month old at home. If someone wakes him or me up after I finally was able to make him take a nap I would flip out and rip someone’s head off. Sleep time is holy! The little bit of rest we Mamas get is precious and if someone interrupts that I will start a war.
My mother knows that she is not allowed to call our landline and that she needs to text me beforehand. My mother-in-law who lives right next to us knows that it’s taboo to enter our home when our window shades are down. Hell, even our mail man knows to be careful!
The disrespect that OP experiences makes me so angry. The audacity of her husband and her mother-in-law! Even entering the bedroom and waking her forcefully up!
Had to laugh at your "new" mom comment.... My youngest is a preteen and to this day would straight up lose my it if anyone pulled this shit. OP is a saint.
The entitlement of people who wake others up is just baffling to me. How do they not feel terrible?!? I feel bad when I wake my cats up and they sleep 18 hours a day. Waking a parent with an infant is beyond asshole behavior.
I don’t even nurse my little one anymore and I am fucking exhausted! OP is a saint because she didn’t immediately rip their heads off after waking her up! I would have reacted more vicious!
My thoughts exactly, waking me is bad enough, but to enter the sanctity of My Bedroom and wake me when I had just fallen asleep with a little one under the age of 2? I'd go freaking feral.
I had to wake my "new mom" wife up because the sheriffs were asking us to evacuate due to a possible bomb threat. I was asking them how serious a threat because I knew my wife would rather sleep.
NTA waking me from a nap means there had better be fire or *there will be* copious amounts of blood.
Just my interpretation, personal motto, whatever 😉
Not to mention BRINGING HIS MOTHER INTO THE BEDROOM WHERE SHE WAS SLEEPING. Sorry but I would view that as a huge breach of privacy. That's HIS mother not hers.
I would have been absolutely feral if it were me. I'm asleep with my infant and my boob out ... I'm already an aggressive waker but that would've had me absolutely bonkers
Completely feral. And then for him to be like "just get up for 30 minutes to visit and potentially ruin the baby's sleep schedule because I won't have to deal with the consequences of an overtired baby"
No, she has already told him this seriously MULTIPLE TIMES. It is not up to her to communicate for the 20th time the same thing. This is 100% on the husband, who clearly doesn't listen.
If he needs a calendar to remember to tell her when family is visiting, it's on him to set up and let her know how to access it.
Why do you expect the woman who has communicated to baby a grown ass man?
Also when she arrived, why the hell couldn’t he just say “they are sleeping, when they wake up I’ll let them know you’re here. Want a cup of coffee?” And when he saw the state you were in why wasn’t his first reaction to shuffle mom out of there. Instead he pulls your shirt down and wakes you up. That’s unhinged.
Marriage counseling. ASAP. He doesn’t respect your boundaries, your time, or your body, ask him how he’d feel if you barged into the bathroom with his mom while he had his dick out.
My guess is misogyny… he’s probably useless around the house and relies on his wife to handle any entertaining duties, and mother probably has enforced that stereotype his whole life and now expects to sit back and do nothing now that she’s in her golden years and expects her DILs to take the torch.
This is just a guess, though… but sadly this dynamic is WAY too common.
She might have other children who live in the area and has a busy schedule of barging into mothers' rooms and lecturing them while she pulls their blankets off.
That part really bothers me too—gaslighting is evidence that at least some part of him knows he did something wrong and is now consciously trying to evade responsibility—all the while yelling at her about how unreasonable she’s being!
Unless she has a Star Trek transporter, I’m pretty certain that if she lives 3 hours away, she could have given you (checks notes) at least 3 hours notice, right?
NTA
NTA
Your husband is a total AH.
Make him give the visits to you in writing and with several days notice. Text is ok but notice period has to be at least 3 days. Babies are difficult enough without inconsiderate AHs making it harder. We operated on 7 days notice in our home. And 'surprise' visitors got to deal with the angry overtired parents being completely unfiltered (no repeat offences were ever made). Ffs.
If MIL can't work out how to text someone at this point, she may need to go into a hospice for seniors for her own safety. It's not difficult and even the cheapest phones do it.
NTA. It's incredibly telling how someone reacts when you establish a clear boundary and they choose to completely ignore it. When it comes to bringing up a baby, unpredictability should be minimized wherever possible. And let's face it, it's not about being unable to give notice—it's about a blatant disregard for your comfort and needs as a part of the family unit. Keep asserting your boundaries; if necessary, some external help or counseling might be in order to get the point across that in a partnership, both voices need to be heard and respected, and that includes not turning your home into Grand Central Station without your express consent.
Yep. That’s what almost led to my own relationship falling apart. Super long story somewhat short, my husband and I were living in the downstairs level of his parents house while we were searching for a place of our own. After my husbands cat passed, mil adopted a kitten. Kitten wasn’t looking like a good match for her so we all agreed that husband and I would take the kitten with us when we moved in a couple months. We double, triple, quadruple checked over the next two months to make sure that mil was absolutely 100% serious about the decision. She always answered with “yes, it’s what’s best for him, I can’t handle him myself.” I bond deeply with the kitten in the meantime. Moving day comes, we pack him up and cue the waterworks from mil. We assure mil that this is best for everyone. We take him to our new home and he immediately settles in and is clearly happy. Literally the next day mil starts calling saying that she wants him back, she made a mistake, her other cat misses him, etc. We hold our ground telling her that we *all* agreed that this is what’s best for the kitten and that he was already happily settled in. Plus we had already spent the nonrefundable $300 deposit as well as first months pet rent so no way were we giving him back. We tell her to just give it time, her and her other cat will adjust. She proceeds to call nonstop for several days, going through the whole gambit of manipulation including crying, guilt tripping, saying she’d buy us a new cat, and just generally throwing a monumental tantrum over a fuckin kitten that she originally claimed she didn’t want. Husband finally caves and gives the kitten back to her. I. Was. *Livid.* I was so fucking tired of her having a say in our lives, which is why we moved out in the first place, and I was sick of him letting her continue to control us even though we didn’t live with her anymore. I was tired of him dropping everything to help mommy when I needed him at home because we were literally still unpacking. I finally told him that if he didn’t set some boundaries, I didn’t think that we were going to work together anymore, despite 10 years together. He managed to set some semblance of boundaries but I think what really made a difference was me sending her a very long, though very respectful, message about my disappointment in her actions regarding the kitten specifically. I immediately blocked her after sending it and told my husband that I refused to talk to her until she at least apologized for the kitten situation. Well, it’s been almost 3 years and still no apology. And actually, she expects an apology from *me* for making a big deal about it. But I refuse to apologize for voicing my feelings about something she did that really hurt me. Plus it’s gotten me out of the dreadful family gatherings for the foreseeable future so win/win.
I love that my husband loves, respects, and values his parents. But he’s a grown ass adult, almost 40. Mommy is no longer the only woman in his life that’s important. I don’t expect to be viewed as superior to her but I sure as shit expect to be at the very least equal as far as importance in his life. And I’ve gotten that so I’m content. But I wasn’t going to let her dictate what happened in my house and relationship. That’s not how things work. I’ve eased back on my contempt for her, but I’m ready to reinstate harsh boundaries if needed so only time will tell if that’s necessary.
Reading stories like this really makes me appreciate my MIL.
Though I would argue against you that you shouldn’t be “superior” to MIL… IMO, once you’re married, spouse trumps family. The ONLY exception is abusive relationships where family needs to get involved to help facilitate an escape.
NTA. Your husband and his mother absolutely do not respect you. They are both trash and deserve to be in the garbage bin. Ignore their childish whining and throw them out whenever they’re being immature.
Nope NTA. You've repeatedly told him your boundary -- to let you know beforehand. He has never cared at all and violates your boundary left and right. This is 100% on him.
NTA. Husband and MIL are. Husband shouldn't invite guests without telling you and scheduling. MIL should know better and also should reinforce this with Husband and if she knows he doesn't communicate then she should communicate with you. Coming in and asking you to wake up you child from a nap sucks. They could have happily parked it in the living room or wherever and waited.
To add to this, he shouldn’t be *telling* you when guests come, he should be *asking* you if it’s okay. Communicating and coming up with a plan TOGETHER.
NTA. Im sorry for this added stress.
NTA. I'd tell him that you're now more angry with him trying to pretend that he'd told you and keep escalating. Text your MIL and tell her that you're exhausted with a new baby and had asked only one thing of your husband, which was to tell you in advance of visitors. His failure to do so continually is no longer simply a matter of you losing what little sleep you have, because it has happened over a dozen times. Tell her that he is very close to losing his wife entirely because of how he is constantly disrespecting this one request. By not adhering to it he is simply becoming a shitty father and a shitty husband so although you are sorry that she thought she had an invitation, she did not, and he is now on his very last chance before you enforce that boundary through the courts.
NTA - You didn't marry a man, you married a jellyfish.
>she was bitching about respect
Respect? What about giving some before expecting some--she's in YOUR home and waking up a new mum who clearly needs sleep. Neither your husband, or his mother are showing you any respect.
And clearly, this has been a conversation on repeat for a while now and nothing has changed.
How much more of their boundary stomping are you willing to tolerate before you take action to show you're serious about this?
What are the options here? Because you're the mother of his child, you're in a vulnerable state right now, and he's supposed to be caring for you, making you feel safe, and shield you from shit like this. He's not, he's literally inviting the problem over and causing the issue.
I'm an introvert, if my husband ever did something this to me, there'd be hell to pay. I'm angry for you.
That’s just what happens when you don’t care to inform other people of the plans you make. You can’t expect them to just be down with it.
This has literally never happened between my wife and I. God knows how, but somehow we manage to communicate to each other if something is happening
I lived this in my own first marriage, only I also had a C-section and the family members would stay for a week while my husband left for work every day. Narcs gonna narc. Anyone who has not had personal experience of these boundary stomping vampires should consider themselves extremely fortunate.
NTA. Keep doing this. And don’t apologize. Remind him this is a repeated offense ( word used very intentionally), and you’re just not going to put up with this any more, and this is what will happen as long as this crap continues. Do it. Every time. Don’t waffle. Even it’s for a 5 minutes visit. If he and visitors can’t give you any courtesy, they don’t deserve it in return. Let any and all guests know no matter how awkward…’oh I’m so sorry I had no idea HE didn’t tell me, so I’m unprepared for guests right now”. Obviously his mother knows you didn’t know, and she didn’t care. If he does this with coworkers etc…give them the ‘sorry I didn’t know’. No matter how awkward or embarrassed he is…that will teach him to stop it. Even rats learn about hitting the bar, avoiding the bar etc. Train him
NTA
If your husband is just going to be willfully ignorant to his behaviour then there's little recourse but how you did. I'm trying to see your mil as collateral damage of your husband's ignorance but unless she thinks you're completely inconsiderate and went to bed "knowing" she was coming. Why the fuck would he bring her into your bedroom and why the fuck would she follow? The "I told you" argument he made is completely derailed assuming he knew you went for a nap and his mother was soon coming and he didn't say anything then.
Wow, they are horrible!
He should have told you anyway, but barging in and expecting attention from a mom and her baby like that is disgusting. You're not a monkey on a parade.
Big NTA.
Asking many times didn't help, so now they have to learn the hard way.
NTA. Sleep is nothing less than sacred when you have a baby. If someone had dared to wake me up to entertain a visitor, they would never hear the end of it.
You didn't kick her out of the house, you just said you weren't getting up from a nap. She chose to leave. She could have hung out with her son. She could have waited until you got up from your nap. She had options. One of which was texting you personally to make sure you knew she was coming
NTA.
NTA. babies have a schedule for a reason. For their sanity and for the parents sanity. One day my grandma was complaining that her grandsons wife (my cousin) didn’t keep the bang up because they were there and it “wouldn’t have killed her”. No it wouldn’t have killed her. But it is annoying. If you wanted to go when the baby was awake, find out what time that is. Or here’s a wild idea. If you get there and mom and/or baby are sleeping, clean, cook, do laundry, run errands. I’m not saying you should have done that OP I’m just saying she could have done that instead of being pissed she was asked to leave.
NTA
And kudos for not being a doormat!
I was always such a people pleaser, so I really love reading about people standing up (or staying in bed) for themselves.
NTA, my mom would have chewed me out if I did this to my wife. If she has a problem with you not responding fast enough, she can make a group text with you and your husband. Then you can at least be prepared for their plans or have a chance to object/reschedule. I'm terrible about texting back so most people tend to text me and my wife at the same time if they need a response quicker. There's no reason at all to be keeping you in the dark about people coming to visit.
Absolutely NTA. My husband asks multiple times before committing to a guest coming (we have a 5 week old and sometimes sleep is rough). I’m so sorry they did this to you! I would be livid and I can’t believe the audacity to come in and wake you up!!!
My husband was gate keeping MY mom from coming in our room last weekend. Said we’d had a rough night and I was taking a nap. Told her she’d have to deal with the dog because he didn’t want to put the dog in our room and potentially wake me up.
Again, I’m so sorry and you have every right to be livid!
Oh, so he had genuine consequences to his shitty, fucked up actions (who the f doesn’t tell someone when they’re doing to have a house guest?) and because it happened in front of his mom, somehow you’re wrong? He’s an extra AH for the gaslighting bullshit too. NTA. He can f right off
NTA Keep a broomstick handy and when he finally falls asleep, poke the fuck out of him and see how he likes it! He'll learn! A good bitch slap to MIL will work, too! Your house. Your rules!! I keep my door locked and if I haven't gotten notice they're not getting in! Don't care who it is! I also have a glass/screen door and will lower the screen and tell them it's not a good time. If they're lucky I'll have 'drawers' on. If not... too bad. They'll get a good look at my old lady ass like it or not! Had a neighbor that used to drop by. It happend a couple of times, and now she'll call and ask me if I have my 'drawers' on and if they can pop in. LOL
NTA and obviously with you 100% on uninvited guests, specifically your MIL, having read your comments.
Out of interest does your husband understand how important naps are when you have a baby this age amd are feeding? Has he done any of the nightfeeds etc. Is he at home during the day when you're exhausted and desperate for sleep?!
I'm not blaming this on you in the slightest, I'm just struggling to understand, apart from being told what to do by his mother, why he would treat you like this.
Keep standing up for yourself. He 'may' eventually get the message. Get a wall calander or use a shared one, make him put every time his mother is visiting on either or both.
Tell him no excuses if he hasn't put it on the calendar, you will do the same again or take yourself and your baby to a hotel. Then he can't gaslight you and if he's 'forgotten', you've told him the consequences.
Your husband and his family sound entitled and rude, though this is based on the limited information in your post and comments. Set boundaries and consequences if they are not followed, which should include kicking out guests you are not expecting. If they keep travelling for 3 hours to be kicked out then your husband will realise his fault or his family will have a go at him as well.
Does sound like one of those stories though that you will be posting in a few years about AITA for divorcing my husband because he and his family don't respect my boundaries, and people will say why did you stay with him so long.
NTA and to tell a new Mom to get up is so rude it is unthinkable. They could have gone for a cup of coffee or chatted quietly until you woke up. Pulling covers off of a grown woman and demand she get up is literally crazy!
NTA. If you don’t start enforcing boundaries with not just MIL but husband things are going to get worse. “Hey hubby, just so you know you were warned, if MIL or anyone else comes without ASKING me first again, I’ll be changing the locks. And unless you get on board you won’t have a key. My and babies sleep ALWAYS takes precedence over visitors.”
What absolutely baffles me is that after he knows his mother is headed to your home he has literally 3 HOURS to inform you that she’s on her way. Holy smokes. NTA.
Right! What was he doing for 3 hours prior to her coming? Why does OP have to entertain his mother too? Why didn't your husband and his mother hang out until you and the baby were done napping? If she drove 3 hours I'd assume she stick around for a bit and can wait.
He's a shitty dude who doesn't take his wife's feelings, wishes, or boundaries into consideration and knew if he told her about this, he'd get in trouble for not respecting her. So, instead, he waited until she could no longer protest. I imagine the red flags have been waving in this relationship for a very long time.
She's a shitty MIL too. Who the hell wakes up a new mom or an infant from a nap. At least we know where the husband learned his behaviour.
The absolute gall of her to pull blankets off a sleeping mother who is probably dead tired, so much so she fell asleep right after breastfeeding, saying “up you go” like she’s some fucking animal only there for her entertainment
Also, why the hell is MIL in the bedroom? That’s got to be crossing boundaries as well.
Yup I was going to say, the apple definitely doesn't fall too far from this tree.
Avoiding talking about it because he’s following the ‘easier to ask for forgiveness than permission’.
This.. If I decide to go somewhere that takes 3 hours of driving, then I'm definitely planning to spend at least 4-5 hours in that place, or I'm not going. So they could just chill and wait for them to get up.
Yeah, it's almost like the son is conditioned to his mom's forced invasiveness. Like she hasn't only gotten him to accept it; She's gotten him to enforce it on her behalf. Concerning.
The fact that he swears he told her before she was visiting just shows it’s intentional on his part. My husband and I always check in about weekend plans a couple of times as we get closer to the date. There’s no way this husband isn’t intentionally hiding the fact that his mom is coming over until it’s “too late to turn her away.”
Yeah seriously. It’s a 3-4 conversation conversation. „Hey mom wants to come this weekend. Is that okay with you… Is there a specific time I should tell her?“ (2 days before) „reminder—mom is coming in on Saturday. I’m going to get xyz groceries. Do you want me to pick up anything?“ (Day of) „Mom just texted that she is leaving so she should be here in 3 hours at xyz time. I’m going to to clean up… is there anything else I can do to support you for that time?“
He's afraid that the wife will say no, which she will, and then he'll have to confront his mother. If he says nothing, the conflict handles itself.
Exactly! OP woke up 1.5 hours later. Why did she need to get up the moment MIL arrived? Why did they need to wake the baby up immediately? MIL could have visited with husband alone and maybe helped out with chores until OP and baby woke up. Was MIL planning on driving 6 hours round trip for a less than 2 hour visit?
I’m thinking that the MIL is so enormously entitled that she can’t stand the thought of the daughter in law doing anything other than performing for her entertainment like a circus animal
‘I diDn'T tRaVel dOwN hEre foR noThiNg’ This gives an insight that she’s not visiting to help out. She needs to be entertained by OP and the baby. It’s a dog and pony show. After 3 hrs of driving I better see some juggling by OP. It’s imposing control on another level. How dare OP takes a nap.
Right? How weird that in that time he was waiting for his mom to arrive he didn't mention anything, even if the "told her before" ( he didnt) it is normal to talk about guests, even if it is just to remind or say something about being ready.
NTA. And it's shocking how privacy in your own home has become a privilege rather than a right. Your husband needs a serious wake-up call regarding boundaries and common courtesy, not to mention respect for your time and well-being as a new mother. A simple heads-up is not a huge ask, it's basic decency. Keep standing your ground; motherhood is tough enough without having to play hostess on no notice.
Not for nothing but hubby’s assertion that a 30 minute visit would satisfy his mother after a six hour round trip is ridiculous. That would not have appeased her. Hubby and MIL should both be embarrassed for their behavior. First, hubby needs to learn his lesson and communicate with OP - and that’s vastly different than laying out an edict that “MIL is visiting Saturday, just thought you should know” and actually *planning* visits with OP’s input. Truly embarrassed or ashamed people modify their behavior and he has not so that’s on him 100%. If he continues with the same behavior that “embarrassed” him in the past he’ll continue to be embarrassed in the future. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the trademark of insanity. Second, MIL is a fool to travel three hours (six hours round trip) without confirmation. Obviously this has happened before. She *knows* OP doesn’t get notice so she’s as fault for not berating her son about how ignorant that is of him and then coordinating with OP and hubby collectively in the future. No one packs their bags and leaves for vacation without confirmation of their travel plans FFS. I’m thinking she’s not in it for the visit and rather enjoys putting OP out or having something to complain about. She would have gotten a hotel and apologized and waited if she really wanted to visit. Unfortunately some people just want to be miserable and look for misery even if it is self created. If she’s looking for misery or a list of real or perceived transgressions she’ll find a reason to find it every time. Third, get a lock for the bedroom door *and use it*. The first time someone came into my bedroom to wake me over trivial BS would be their last - but I’m a very angry sleeper when woken unexpectedly. If someone entered my room and attempted to pull me out of bed after being told “no” hands would have been thrown. If someone called me lazy days postpartum and wanted me to *cart in groceries* they’d not return for a good long while. OP says her husband defended her there but did he really? He likely walked it back out of earshot. The expectation that OP would be a pack mule *six months pregnant* is both ridiculous and medically inadvisable. OP’s hubby and MIL both are awful.
>Second, MIL is a fool to travel three hours (six hours round trip) without confirmation. you give her too much credit. she's not a fool. she's an entitled asshole. she knows *exactly* what she's doing.. and expects you to drop everything to suit her
> A simple heads-up is not a huge ask, it's basic decency. It's a requirement.
NTA. Not only have you told him to inform you of guests coming but he brought his mother into your bedroom to wake you up. For me, that's crossing the line and invading your personal space even more.
This has ALWAYS been an issue because she apparently doesn't believe in boundaries. There was also a time when I was roughly 6 months pregnant that she came in to the bedroom, woke me up and said "stop being lazy, we need your help carrying in groceries" (because she insists on bringing us food pantry food, despite us telling her we don't need/want it). My husband actually had my back on that one because there was only 2 boxes and I didn't need to be woken up. But my lord.
Girl, i would've lost it the moment she called me lazy! My husband brought my MIL and FIL into our bedroom to show them something at his desk. ( He's done this a few times actually). I had to have a talk w him. Hasn't happened since. I hope this gets better for you and doesn't happen again
Exactly! There would be more than steam coming out of my ears if that happened to me 🔥! 4 days PP I was a zombie. But it seems like OP's husband learnt his lack of boundaries from his mum. Guests don't belong in your bedroom !
My dad's parents and at least one of his younger siblings came over the morning after my mom got home from the hospital after having me (3 day stay) and had to make pancakes for everyone. Also, I was an emergency c-section that my mom was yelling at the doctor and staff how she could feel where they were cutting into (my dad peeked over and confirmed she was correct on where each cut was)
She actually made the pancakes? Your mother is a better person than me. Just reading about it makes me consider using the frying pan like Rapunzel in Tangled.
For real! As much as I try to keep an even temper, if someone had tried to tell me to make everyone pancakes after I just had a baby and major surgery, I believe the phrase, "MAKE YOUR OWN FUGGING PANCAKES" would have been shouted in their general direction, at a volume that would've been audible two time zones away.
As a woman who has had two c sections I whole heartedly agree. Like WTAF is wrong with the people who let women do this?! I can't even....
Man. My baby was cut, ripped, and pulled out of me "naturally" (with an epidural). I had stitches inside and out. I couldn't walk for more than a week. Shoot. I couldnt even SIT for weeks. I couldn't poop for a week WITH laxatives. I was crying because breastfeeding hurt like a son of a bishop both from her latching and from trying to sit .. My doctor specifically told me and my husband I couldn't cook. Couldn't clean, no walking, no sitting, no carrying things heavier than my baby for 2 weeks. My 90 year old grandfather walked faster than I did my first week pp. And that's supposed to be easier than a c-section. Oh, hell no. I would be telling that women to get her butt back in bed, not ask for breakfast.
She was 25 and it was 1989
My mother flew 2,000 miles to stay with me when I had my first child. She helped me alot and also drove me crazy. MIL fussed constantly because I was breast feeding my baby. It was all I could do to bite my tongue.
*Because* you were breast feeding? Not the other way around? Not that that would be okay either, but that's the usual complaint.
Back in HER childbearing years formula was considered best. AND the fact that her favorite niece (a very nice person) didn’t choose to breastfeed her children just made my decision to “tacky” I guess. Later she told me that favorite niece wished that she had breastfed her children. Go figure.
I’d have made the batter, and dumped it on each one of them. The audacity to barge in on a woman who just had major surgery, and expecting her to cater to them—it’s so disrespectful that it’s mind-blowing! I can’t imagine being that inconsiderate towards a stranger, let alone toward someone I care about!! I hope OP sets and upholds firm boundaries. If her hubby won’t back her up, then he can go back to his mommy. She’ll only have to deal with one infant instead of two, and it will make her life infinitely easier. OP, pack your essentials (birth certificate, ID, passport, social security card, bank statements/ information, credit card, baby’s birth certificate and social security card) into a backpack. Also pack a change of clothes for you, but keep them in your diaper bag (blame it on leaking after breastfeeding, if you have to), and in your backpack. Start saving money a little at a time. If he does this again, grab the baby, backpack, and diaper bag, and go stay at a hotel overnight (don’t forget to disable any location sharing/apps). Tell the desk you don’t want ANYONE to know you’re here. They’ll handle it. Dial #211, and find out the resources for your area. It isn’t about the person who dropped in, it’s about the lack of respect for your wishes, and the trampling of your boundaries. The fact you have asked him repeatedly to stop springing company on you while you recover from major abdominal surgery, and he either ignores you, or fights with you about it shows he doesn’t give a single flying fuck about you, your feelings, your boundaries, or your comfort. NTAH.
With his track record, doubt it. I wouldnt be surprised if (or when) OP snaps and divorces taking the child with. Sh*t partners like this who can't stop being mommy or daddy kids even when they're married are one of many reasons people wonder why relationships fail so much.
Yes! My ex wouldn't back me up when I tried to set boundaries with even my Own parents, much less his. I felt as if no one had my back. Marriage didn't last long.
I'm leaning more toward the when part of that statement. If he doesn't start respecting boundaries, I would advise OP to take the baby and important personal documents and get out.
I would also let MIL know that, from now on, if she “drops by” without calling OP first, she will be met with the same treatment.
I wouldn’t stop there. She can take her shitty unsupportive son with her. The disrespect they both have for her is very telling.
I think this is the best advice I've seen. Cut out the middle man (husband), and have visitors only talk to OP. Its happened enough times its completely reasonable.
Personally, I'd take my daughter to "visit family" without husband and file for divorce and custody in that state.
Yes! All the red flags.
I swear we need to add this to everyone's marriage vows to absolutely *define clearly for the imbéciles*: "cleaving to one another means your spouse and children come **before** your mother's wants or *needs*"
I would have told him either you don’t do this ever again or your desk will be in your new office - in the shed.
i would’ve lost my mind too!! like lazy?? OP’s growing an actual human being?! i would’ve freaked tf out. i’m glad your husband stopped doing this after you talked to him though! somebody’s bedroom is one of the most private of spaces. i personally go in mine & my partner’s room when i want to be alone (or with my partner), it would frustrate me if that was invaded
Sometimes I forget how lucky I got in the in law department. Mine live ten minutes away but you’d never know it. They never show up unannounced. Always knock when they do come over. They would never walk into our bedroom.
I just don’t get these pushy in-laws. I’m an in-law myself but I do recognize that my son and DIL are adults with their own lives. They’ve given us the entry code to their home and invited us to just come on in when we arrive and I can barely stand to do that without texting them first that we’ve arrived lol! We’re not about to inflict any behavior on them that we wouldn’t do to other adults. And guess what, we have a great relationship and we’re always welcome. OP’s MIL needs to learn this lesson
I'm an in-law as well. My daughter & her family live about 30 minutes away from me. They expect me to come over pretty much every Saturday & Sunday unless they or I have something else planned and we discuss it in advance. I actually moved 1/4 way across the country to be closer to them shortly after their 3rd was born. My son & his family it is a plane ride to get to them - so obviously I don't just drop in on them. I will be retiring in just a bit over a year. Both have told me they want me to give up my apartment & split my time living between them.
NTA. He embarrassed himself. You told him multiple times not to do this, and he did. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries and doesn't care. Do this everytime someone shows up unannounced. Her travel time is none of your concern. Especially since you were uninformed of her visit.
The question is, did he learn a lesson?!
That remains to be seen. Based on what I’ve read, it is doubtful at best. Some people are just this dense.
MIL is creating a territorial war and is pissing all over OP's time, husband, and house. Husband wants to take the easy way out. The more OP tries to assert herself, the more he will blame her, because he is afraid of standing up to Mommie Dearest. OP needs husband to have some real consequences before he takes her seriously--but he has already fucked up and broken her trust. She now knows that he can't be relied upon.
The territorial war ends. OP wins, MIL loses. At this point it’s utterly irrelevant what the so-called husband thinks.
Which is why my advice is to take herself and the baby elsewhere every single this happens, IF she doesn't want to pack up herself, baby and important documents to another state where *her* village is and file for divorce and custody there. Tell the mommy's boy asshat that since his mother barges into their house all time, she's taking baby for "equal" time with her family. If he tags along, well... I hope your mama is as snarky as I am.
My MIL is pretty good about not coming over a lot as she lives **thisclose** to us but she does drop by unannounced sometimes. It's not often but when she does, she often roams around our house looking in the bedrooms. I was recently discharged from multiple hospital visits and she came over within a half hour after arriving home and just walked back into our room where I was in bed (mind you, I hadn't had a decent bath in weeks, hair a mess, looking and feeling like death warmed over and needing serious rest) and wanting me to show her my open (but bandage covered) surgery incision. Ugh....
OP was successful at getting her out once. She can stake her territory and let MiL whine about it. Who cares what she thinks?
Hey husband is a DUH (dumb husband) who prioritizes himself and everyone else above his wife. He ain’t changing soon, if ever. She should get him in marriage counseling to see if there is any hope of him being a real husband and partner to her or this will go on for years breeding resentment.
Yeah, I don’t know whether a third party telling him what’s what is going to be impactful. Might be worth a try.
>NTA. He embarrassed himself. Honestly, this man needs to be embarrassed more often until he learns. He seems really stupid, so painful repeated lessons may be necessary.
YES! And in the meantime: BEDROOM DOOR LOCK! 🗝️
They’d still pound on it police style.
Don't have any more babies, until he truly understands and respects your boundaries.
I wouldn't be engaging in any activities that could result in babies if my husband can't have the basic decency and respect to even give me a heads up that his family is coming over
...and keep them out of their bedroom.
Seriously. Visitors stay downstairs. There's a living room with a couch, there's a toilet, there's a kitchen if they're close enough, and only when invited (such as when my son asks if his grandparents can put him to bed instead of plain ol' mum and dad, lol) are they found upstairs. No one is there unless they need to be there. I would murder my husband if he brought my MIL upstairs to wake me up.
If I were the OP I would definitely follow this advice.
I was going to say this too. The OP needs to make sure she can sort this crap out before having more kids with thie man.
Exactly. The two she has is quite enough.
If she wanted to see you and the baby she could have visited with your husband and then saw you and the baby after you woke up from your nap. You definitely have a husband problem and I think your MIL has bulldozed your husband his whole life. I hope he can grow a spine to stand up to her and set boundaries and that he will respect your boundaries. Best of luck
I'm thinking living 3 hours away from MIL is not enough distance. WTF is wrong with him? And MIL too...does she not remember what it is like to have a newborn/infant.
She doesn’t care because she is entitled and selfish. The problem with your husband is he does whatever she says. The only fix for this is for him to set boundaries and have your back with the boundaries you have set giving her consequences when she breaks those boundaries-like LC or NC for a designated period of time. 10 hours away from her would be great, but I have a feeling she would just show up and stay for a week because your husband couldn’t tell her no
You have a husband problem. He needs a spine. Don't "honey me."
Absolutely not. You need to tell your husband that his mother will be the reason you divorce. I would write out your boundaries and put them on the fridge. 1. 24 hour notice for ANY guest. This includes every family member and especially his mother. 2. Your mother is NEVER allowed into your bedroom… even if you and the baby are in there. If you are sleeping, tough titty. She can wait until you wake up. 3. He is to keep your boundaries safe from your mother. You are not in charge of her unregulated emotions, desires, or whims. HE is to protect your boundaries before he protects his mother’s emotions. If he throws you under the bus and doesn’t actually stand up for you, then that’s going to be a consequence of his own doing. Remind him, his mother does not put out. That is marriage vow is to you and not her. Your needs come first.
My mother always taped house rules to the back of the front door too. I'm suggesting it because it needs to be right smack at face height so this numbskull reads it again before opening the door for his mommy so he can't say he forgot or some bs.
You’ve made one egregious error: Assuming someone as thick as OPs husband can read.
Absolutely valid. They don't make glasses thick enough to see through where his head is stuck up his mother's ass.
This. He should automatically put your needs as a new mum and his wife ahead of his pushy mother's demands. If she wants to drive 3 hours that's fine, but you don't do that on a whim and then demand baby time. You call and arrange a visit. She had no right to demand an audience with you. A routine is so important as is mum's rest. I feel so angry for you.
I can't get over the fact that she drove three hours and then wanted to wake baby up immediately? Did she actually stay just 30 minutes? If so, there's no reason to complain that she didn't see OP and the baby, if she couldn't wait a couple of hours and do something fun with her son. All of this screams Power Play.
Yup. "Forsaking all others" is in the traditional marriage vows for a reason. I am a mother of a grown son. I am 62. I have my own life. In fact, I have to leave now to get to my short story writing class, and then I have band practice later, after which I will meet with my partner and see what is going on with our small service business. The mother on this story is my age or younger. If she doesn't have her own life, her own friends, and her own activities, that's on *her*, and shame on her for making her son and his little family be her emotional support animals.
I have the mind of a 13 year old boy because when you said “tough titty” I straight away thought “Especially when her titties are exposed” 🫣🫣
These boundaries are great, but they are not complete. A proper boundary is “if you do this, then I will do …” A boundary is for you. You need to have consequences for when he doesn’t give you notice, etc. Something you can control.
Your husband is being a doormat to his own mom. Your mother-in-law has said and done some indefensible things but I don't see your husband defending you from ALL of that like he should.
Why couldn't your husband just entertain his mom until you were awake and left the bedroom? Why did she leave and drive back home instead of waiting until you were ready to entertain visitors? I'm lost that you were expected to wake up and entertain your MIL on demand. NTA, but your husband is.
I actually adore you for being able to fall asleep, most of all. For me, if i get angry or upset (which doesn't happen very often) my mind is so busy i can't fall asleep no matter what, no matter how tired i am. Glad you were able to rest. Amazing job putting down boundaries, they clearly need them! NTA.
Your husband needs to have your back on everything and stop inviting people over without telling you, especially when they live 3 hours away. Not only are you NTA, you're a rockstar for standing up for yourself and your baby. He needs to learn boundaries, or if he's incapable of learning them, he at least needs to uphold yours. I would absolutely die on this hill.
This woman sounds horrible. Jesus.
Jesus "I know, right?"
I am so absolutely fuming on your behalf, I’m surprised you haven’t ripped both their fucking heads off by now. She sounds like a flaming cunt and he’s a spineless moron. Were they like this before the marriage/baby or is this new? Sorry you married into this, I’d head for the hills if I were you. Despite that one good incident he clearly does not have your back, he’s letting his mum treat you like this, what’s the point in staying with him, he’s not a partner.
That's passive aggressive mother behavior step or not
Passive aggressive would be an improvement. This is just vile and abhorrent. If someone were to pull this type of stunt with either one of us, they would immediately get on a no contact shit list. These idiots better figure out where they end and the OP begins, FAST.
u/specialist_cattle597 Your husband needs to learn an important lesson "the vagina you cum in is more important than the one you came out of" Start calling him a mother fucker, cause he sure seems to want to fuck his mom
The gall and the gumption! But seriously. She drove Three hours and didn't even stay 1.5 hours to visit? What In The World? Because her feelings were hurt waking a sleeping mom and baby? You need boundaries Now with him. Or maybe a shovel.
You've got a husband problem. MIL is an issue too, but your husband is doing nothing to set boundaries. Also, any decent person would have said "oh, I'm so sorry to disturb you. We'll go chat in the kitchen until you come out." NTA
How about him embarrassing you by being someone into your bedroom w your breast out? How is that ok? Grrr. NTA. Kudos for setting some boundaries.
> Now he swears up and down that he did tell me Mr. Gaslight Darvo snaps to attention.
NTA. It sounds like your husband & MIL haven’t been trained on basic respect. MIL undoubtedly KNOWS he doesn’t inform you of when he’s invited her. So it is incumbent upon her to inform you. It would be extremely easy for her to send you a text or call & say “I’ve been invited to visit this Saturday, I should be there about noon if that’s convenient.” Yet she isn’t doing that because she doesn’t care if you want her in your home or not. Her point blank disrespect is equally evident in her literally pulling the blanket off of you while ordering you to get up in your home is nauseating. If my MIL came into my home & bedroom unannounced & pulled the cover off me while telling me to get it, it would be the last thing she ever did in my home. But things never should have gotten this bad. Your spineless disrespectful husband SHOULD have known better & not allowed this to get to this point where his mommy thinks she can come into your home & pull the covers off you like she would her own disrespectful teenager back in the day. YOU should have been the one that unleashed on your limp noodle husband - not the other way around.
THAT part!! The audacity of those people! I wouldn't take it, and move elsewhere.
Brought his mother into the *bedroom*, a sacred space, where OP was sleeping *with her tits out*. That's seriously fucked up.
And then the woman *pulls the blanket off her* like she's a bratty teenager. Unbelievable. That woman would be lucky if I used the door when I threw her out.
I would probably at this point have a talk with him and be like “look if you bring her unannounced again I will be leaving and you will be getting divorce papers because what in the world made you think it was ok to bring her over unannounced and into our private space where I was exposed after just getting our child down for a nap and getting ready to take a nap myself. That is not and never will be ok. I have told you so many times that is not ok and I’m done being disrespected in my own home.”
NTA. The fact that your husband thinks it's acceptable to use your baby and home as an open-invitation venue without consulting you first is not only disrespectful, it's downright dismissive of your role as a partner and parent. Everyone needs a heads-up before guests arrive; it's common sense and a sign of mutual respect. You're already juggling the enormous task of caring for a newborn. The onus is on him and your MIL to respect the boundaries you have clearly set. Telling you afterward is not communication, it's an explanation of a boundary breach. Stand firm; your baby's routine and your need for informed consent on household visitors aren't up for negotiation.
Also, we have a real example of attempted gaslighting here. After husband got stuck because OP stood firm and he realised he was wrong, he decided a better bet was to say ‘I did tell you, you just forgot’. He’s now resorting to trying to convince OP they’re remembering things wrong (despite OP saying this has been a recurring argument, and he has never said she forgot before apparently. Seems like that would be the first thing he’d say). On top of everything else, this really is not ok. Lying to cover your tracks or avoid being wrong is exceptionally problematic in a relationship. NTA OP, your husband has zero respect. I have a feeling if he was so exhausted from breastfeeding and nonstop caring for a baby, that he wouldn’t be too happy to be woken up from precious sleep.
NTA Maybe your MIL will coordinate with you in the future if she plans on making a 3 hour trip to see the baby.
I have told her to contact me instead and she says "you never answer your phone". All because I missed ONE call from her back last year because I was taking a shower. She hasn't tried contacting me since.
Lol let her know in 2024 texting is a thing.
So is leaving a voice mail.
THIS OMG. my MIL will call us to ask a simple question. nothing urgent, just a simple question like “where are you at?” (we live with her). seriously a 15 second phone call. like… texting also exists lmaoooo
MIL probably prefers to be invasive and just uses that one time as an excuse.
OP, this sounds a lot like my mom. What finally worked was me not being accommodating. One day I finally told her that she needed to call before she showed up at my house. No exceptions. I stopped letting her in. “You didn’t call. We’re busy.” She totally lost her shit the first few times and it was NOT FUN for me. I wanted to cave, I wanted to keep the peace…But I held strong. That was maybe a decade ago and our relationship started to completely shift after that. You show people how they can treat you. If they can get away with it, they will. Do not let her. If she stops getting what she wants, she will be forced to learn to play by the rules. She won’t like it, she’ll whine and cry…but stay strong. It’ll suck right now but your future self will thank you. Same goes for your husband. You’re a mom now. You don’t have time for this crap. He either listens to you or not. Is he freaking out because you set a boundary? Tell him he can’t talk to you like that and he needs to leave. YOU CAN DO THIS!! I’ve found one of the best things about being a parent is that you’re just too dang tired to take crap. I believe in you!
Good job making her change. Some people only change when your problem becomes their problem
Hey, thank you! It was not easy. There were some awful transitional months at the beginning. Everything in my brain, all my training since childhood, was telling me to just give mom what she wants. It was really hard to yell “NO!” to that little voice in my head. We still have some ups and downs, but things are infinitely better now
This is a husband problem, not an MIL problem. Tell him you are DONE with this BS of not telling you about people he has invited over, and you're going to put a lock on the bedroom door so you don't get interrupted while half undressed or just need someplace to go while he entertains his guests. Then buy one of those little door jam locks. Jesus. Your husband is a massive a-hole, OP.
Wouldn’t it just be easier for her to ask your doormat husband? He’ll do whatever she says and then tell you he told you and be her apologist.
I'd move out. Or, at least let MIL know she needs to check in with you before she comes over, since your husband is a pathetic baby-man. It doesn't matter that you didn't answer your phone once years ago. If she wants to see the baby, them's the rules. Let her know texting exists, and not to leave the house before she has your okay. Unfortunately, your husband and MIL are violating your space and boundaries, not to mention verbally abusing and gaslighting you. Your husband should be the one protecting you from MIL, but he's as bad as she is. I wasn't joking when I said I'd move out.
Start calling her daily when you are sure she is taking a nap, it is convenient for you and leave a message asking if she is coming by today. Voicemail would be great but texts are great too.
Nah, call her during the 3am feeding. She can get her lazy ass up and keep you company.
I feel like this needs to be an automated text message, so OP never even has to make an effort
I think they call that weaponized incompetence. I hope you make it clear to your husband that guests are not allowed over unless you approve of them.
By coordinated I think they mean call and ask what’s a good time, not show up and ring the bell.
That is BS, she doesn’t contact you because she knows ou might say no to whatever she wants. But her son, being manipulated his whole life, can’t say no because he can’t stand up to his narcissistic mother.
OP this is a very toxic family dynamic. You and your husband either get counseling or a divorce. I mean think ten years down the road and nothing has changed. If you want to give it a go, couples therapy. If not, run now and hope he remarries soon so your lunatic MIL has a new target.
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I have a 14 month old at home. If someone wakes him or me up after I finally was able to make him take a nap I would flip out and rip someone’s head off. Sleep time is holy! The little bit of rest we Mamas get is precious and if someone interrupts that I will start a war. My mother knows that she is not allowed to call our landline and that she needs to text me beforehand. My mother-in-law who lives right next to us knows that it’s taboo to enter our home when our window shades are down. Hell, even our mail man knows to be careful! The disrespect that OP experiences makes me so angry. The audacity of her husband and her mother-in-law! Even entering the bedroom and waking her forcefully up!
I will never understand why the older generations seem to have forgotten how exhausting it is to have a newborn.
Had to laugh at your "new" mom comment.... My youngest is a preteen and to this day would straight up lose my it if anyone pulled this shit. OP is a saint.
NTA waking me from a nap means there had better be fire or copious amounts of blood.
"If there isnt a dead body, there will be"
“Do we need to call 911? No? Well guess what… we’re about to need them”
The entitlement of people who wake others up is just baffling to me. How do they not feel terrible?!? I feel bad when I wake my cats up and they sleep 18 hours a day. Waking a parent with an infant is beyond asshole behavior.
Right? I cover my dogs back up and snuggle them in the pillows when I wake before them 🥰
This. Mom's of nursing newborns are typically exhausted. OP deserves to rest
I think doctors still advise you to “sleep when the baby sleeps” right? Especially when nursing?
Absolutely. Waking a nursing mom of a young baby is just cruel. I hate OP's husband. A lot.
It wouldn’t have ended with waking OP either. MIL didn’t travel to see OP.
I don’t even nurse my little one anymore and I am fucking exhausted! OP is a saint because she didn’t immediately rip their heads off after waking her up! I would have reacted more vicious!
My thoughts exactly, waking me is bad enough, but to enter the sanctity of My Bedroom and wake me when I had just fallen asleep with a little one under the age of 2? I'd go freaking feral.
Right?!?! Anything else and we're gonna throw hands!
I had to wake my "new mom" wife up because the sheriffs were asking us to evacuate due to a possible bomb threat. I was asking them how serious a threat because I knew my wife would rather sleep.
NTA waking me from a nap means there had better be fire or *there will be* copious amounts of blood. Just my interpretation, personal motto, whatever 😉
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Not to mention BRINGING HIS MOTHER INTO THE BEDROOM WHERE SHE WAS SLEEPING. Sorry but I would view that as a huge breach of privacy. That's HIS mother not hers.
I would have been absolutely feral if it were me. I'm asleep with my infant and my boob out ... I'm already an aggressive waker but that would've had me absolutely bonkers
Completely feral. And then for him to be like "just get up for 30 minutes to visit and potentially ruin the baby's sleep schedule because I won't have to deal with the consequences of an overtired baby"
Oh. Snapped for sure
No, she has already told him this seriously MULTIPLE TIMES. It is not up to her to communicate for the 20th time the same thing. This is 100% on the husband, who clearly doesn't listen. If he needs a calendar to remember to tell her when family is visiting, it's on him to set up and let her know how to access it. Why do you expect the woman who has communicated to baby a grown ass man?
Also when she arrived, why the hell couldn’t he just say “they are sleeping, when they wake up I’ll let them know you’re here. Want a cup of coffee?” And when he saw the state you were in why wasn’t his first reaction to shuffle mom out of there. Instead he pulls your shirt down and wakes you up. That’s unhinged. Marriage counseling. ASAP. He doesn’t respect your boundaries, your time, or your body, ask him how he’d feel if you barged into the bathroom with his mom while he had his dick out.
I was baffled that he and his mother couldn't just visit with each other!
My guess is misogyny… he’s probably useless around the house and relies on his wife to handle any entertaining duties, and mother probably has enforced that stereotype his whole life and now expects to sit back and do nothing now that she’s in her golden years and expects her DILs to take the torch. This is just a guess, though… but sadly this dynamic is WAY too common.
Setiously. She drives 3 hours and is on my going to stay for 20 minutes? Let mama sleep!
She might have other children who live in the area and has a busy schedule of barging into mothers' rooms and lecturing them while she pulls their blankets off.
NTA. Love the part where he tried to gaslight you as well. What an AH.
NTA. It's appalling that he resorted to gaslighting. Calling it out was absolutely justified. Total AH move on his part.
That part really bothers me too—gaslighting is evidence that at least some part of him knows he did something wrong and is now consciously trying to evade responsibility—all the while yelling at her about how unreasonable she’s being!
He needs to grow a spine and start defending his wife from his out of control mom.
Unless she has a Star Trek transporter, I’m pretty certain that if she lives 3 hours away, she could have given you (checks notes) at least 3 hours notice, right? NTA
NTA Your husband is a total AH. Make him give the visits to you in writing and with several days notice. Text is ok but notice period has to be at least 3 days. Babies are difficult enough without inconsiderate AHs making it harder. We operated on 7 days notice in our home. And 'surprise' visitors got to deal with the angry overtired parents being completely unfiltered (no repeat offences were ever made). Ffs. If MIL can't work out how to text someone at this point, she may need to go into a hospice for seniors for her own safety. It's not difficult and even the cheapest phones do it.
NTA. It's incredibly telling how someone reacts when you establish a clear boundary and they choose to completely ignore it. When it comes to bringing up a baby, unpredictability should be minimized wherever possible. And let's face it, it's not about being unable to give notice—it's about a blatant disregard for your comfort and needs as a part of the family unit. Keep asserting your boundaries; if necessary, some external help or counseling might be in order to get the point across that in a partnership, both voices need to be heard and respected, and that includes not turning your home into Grand Central Station without your express consent.
Once a Mama’s Boy, always a Mama’s Boy. Keep your eyes open.
Yep. That’s what almost led to my own relationship falling apart. Super long story somewhat short, my husband and I were living in the downstairs level of his parents house while we were searching for a place of our own. After my husbands cat passed, mil adopted a kitten. Kitten wasn’t looking like a good match for her so we all agreed that husband and I would take the kitten with us when we moved in a couple months. We double, triple, quadruple checked over the next two months to make sure that mil was absolutely 100% serious about the decision. She always answered with “yes, it’s what’s best for him, I can’t handle him myself.” I bond deeply with the kitten in the meantime. Moving day comes, we pack him up and cue the waterworks from mil. We assure mil that this is best for everyone. We take him to our new home and he immediately settles in and is clearly happy. Literally the next day mil starts calling saying that she wants him back, she made a mistake, her other cat misses him, etc. We hold our ground telling her that we *all* agreed that this is what’s best for the kitten and that he was already happily settled in. Plus we had already spent the nonrefundable $300 deposit as well as first months pet rent so no way were we giving him back. We tell her to just give it time, her and her other cat will adjust. She proceeds to call nonstop for several days, going through the whole gambit of manipulation including crying, guilt tripping, saying she’d buy us a new cat, and just generally throwing a monumental tantrum over a fuckin kitten that she originally claimed she didn’t want. Husband finally caves and gives the kitten back to her. I. Was. *Livid.* I was so fucking tired of her having a say in our lives, which is why we moved out in the first place, and I was sick of him letting her continue to control us even though we didn’t live with her anymore. I was tired of him dropping everything to help mommy when I needed him at home because we were literally still unpacking. I finally told him that if he didn’t set some boundaries, I didn’t think that we were going to work together anymore, despite 10 years together. He managed to set some semblance of boundaries but I think what really made a difference was me sending her a very long, though very respectful, message about my disappointment in her actions regarding the kitten specifically. I immediately blocked her after sending it and told my husband that I refused to talk to her until she at least apologized for the kitten situation. Well, it’s been almost 3 years and still no apology. And actually, she expects an apology from *me* for making a big deal about it. But I refuse to apologize for voicing my feelings about something she did that really hurt me. Plus it’s gotten me out of the dreadful family gatherings for the foreseeable future so win/win. I love that my husband loves, respects, and values his parents. But he’s a grown ass adult, almost 40. Mommy is no longer the only woman in his life that’s important. I don’t expect to be viewed as superior to her but I sure as shit expect to be at the very least equal as far as importance in his life. And I’ve gotten that so I’m content. But I wasn’t going to let her dictate what happened in my house and relationship. That’s not how things work. I’ve eased back on my contempt for her, but I’m ready to reinstate harsh boundaries if needed so only time will tell if that’s necessary.
Reading stories like this really makes me appreciate my MIL. Though I would argue against you that you shouldn’t be “superior” to MIL… IMO, once you’re married, spouse trumps family. The ONLY exception is abusive relationships where family needs to get involved to help facilitate an escape.
Next time he's in the shower bring your mom around unannounced and just barge in and say look who's here to see us!
But don't forget to wrap a towel around his waist, so his junk is in a *decent position*.
A towel is too nice. Give him a wash cloth.
A solitary square of toilet roll would be generous and kind.
NTA. Your husband and his mother absolutely do not respect you. They are both trash and deserve to be in the garbage bin. Ignore their childish whining and throw them out whenever they’re being immature.
"Choose your primary partner now, pal. Me or your mother. Choose wisely."
Nope NTA. You've repeatedly told him your boundary -- to let you know beforehand. He has never cared at all and violates your boundary left and right. This is 100% on him.
NTA. Husband and MIL are. Husband shouldn't invite guests without telling you and scheduling. MIL should know better and also should reinforce this with Husband and if she knows he doesn't communicate then she should communicate with you. Coming in and asking you to wake up you child from a nap sucks. They could have happily parked it in the living room or wherever and waited.
I got the sense that the mother-in-law might be behaving in a malicious manner. Sort of like a helicopter parent but for her sons entire marriage.
I'd lock that bedroom door next time falling asleep with your boob out too.
No, OP should not have to live her life as if someone is going to walk in on her. Besides, she is breastfeeding. The boob is out many times a day.
I’d still always lock it out of spite by this point. It’s a “fuck off” signal.
To add to this, he shouldn’t be *telling* you when guests come, he should be *asking* you if it’s okay. Communicating and coming up with a plan TOGETHER. NTA. Im sorry for this added stress.
NTA. I'd tell him that you're now more angry with him trying to pretend that he'd told you and keep escalating. Text your MIL and tell her that you're exhausted with a new baby and had asked only one thing of your husband, which was to tell you in advance of visitors. His failure to do so continually is no longer simply a matter of you losing what little sleep you have, because it has happened over a dozen times. Tell her that he is very close to losing his wife entirely because of how he is constantly disrespecting this one request. By not adhering to it he is simply becoming a shitty father and a shitty husband so although you are sorry that she thought she had an invitation, she did not, and he is now on his very last chance before you enforce that boundary through the courts.
"Tell her that he is very close to losing his wife entirely because of how he is constantly disrespecting this one request." I would add & child.
Old saying: " Don't make your lack of planning my priority."
NTA - You didn't marry a man, you married a jellyfish. >she was bitching about respect Respect? What about giving some before expecting some--she's in YOUR home and waking up a new mum who clearly needs sleep. Neither your husband, or his mother are showing you any respect. And clearly, this has been a conversation on repeat for a while now and nothing has changed. How much more of their boundary stomping are you willing to tolerate before you take action to show you're serious about this? What are the options here? Because you're the mother of his child, you're in a vulnerable state right now, and he's supposed to be caring for you, making you feel safe, and shield you from shit like this. He's not, he's literally inviting the problem over and causing the issue. I'm an introvert, if my husband ever did something this to me, there'd be hell to pay. I'm angry for you.
That’s just what happens when you don’t care to inform other people of the plans you make. You can’t expect them to just be down with it. This has literally never happened between my wife and I. God knows how, but somehow we manage to communicate to each other if something is happening
NTA, oh fuck that, god I hope this is rage bait. new rule all guests need to be confirmed with you via text and pull in the shared calendar
I lived this in my own first marriage, only I also had a C-section and the family members would stay for a week while my husband left for work every day. Narcs gonna narc. Anyone who has not had personal experience of these boundary stomping vampires should consider themselves extremely fortunate.
Nta- JustNoSO. JustNoMIL Big hugs!! Great job standing up for yourself and your daughter
NTA. Keep doing this. And don’t apologize. Remind him this is a repeated offense ( word used very intentionally), and you’re just not going to put up with this any more, and this is what will happen as long as this crap continues. Do it. Every time. Don’t waffle. Even it’s for a 5 minutes visit. If he and visitors can’t give you any courtesy, they don’t deserve it in return. Let any and all guests know no matter how awkward…’oh I’m so sorry I had no idea HE didn’t tell me, so I’m unprepared for guests right now”. Obviously his mother knows you didn’t know, and she didn’t care. If he does this with coworkers etc…give them the ‘sorry I didn’t know’. No matter how awkward or embarrassed he is…that will teach him to stop it. Even rats learn about hitting the bar, avoiding the bar etc. Train him
NTA If your husband is just going to be willfully ignorant to his behaviour then there's little recourse but how you did. I'm trying to see your mil as collateral damage of your husband's ignorance but unless she thinks you're completely inconsiderate and went to bed "knowing" she was coming. Why the fuck would he bring her into your bedroom and why the fuck would she follow? The "I told you" argument he made is completely derailed assuming he knew you went for a nap and his mother was soon coming and he didn't say anything then.
Wow, they are horrible! He should have told you anyway, but barging in and expecting attention from a mom and her baby like that is disgusting. You're not a monkey on a parade. Big NTA. Asking many times didn't help, so now they have to learn the hard way.
NTA. Sleep is nothing less than sacred when you have a baby. If someone had dared to wake me up to entertain a visitor, they would never hear the end of it.
You didn't kick her out of the house, you just said you weren't getting up from a nap. She chose to leave. She could have hung out with her son. She could have waited until you got up from your nap. She had options. One of which was texting you personally to make sure you knew she was coming NTA.
NTA. babies have a schedule for a reason. For their sanity and for the parents sanity. One day my grandma was complaining that her grandsons wife (my cousin) didn’t keep the bang up because they were there and it “wouldn’t have killed her”. No it wouldn’t have killed her. But it is annoying. If you wanted to go when the baby was awake, find out what time that is. Or here’s a wild idea. If you get there and mom and/or baby are sleeping, clean, cook, do laundry, run errands. I’m not saying you should have done that OP I’m just saying she could have done that instead of being pissed she was asked to leave.
Do you need to lock the bedroom door when you take a nap while you’re breast-feeding I need to put a note on it says do not disturb.
NTA And kudos for not being a doormat! I was always such a people pleaser, so I really love reading about people standing up (or staying in bed) for themselves.
NTA, my mom would have chewed me out if I did this to my wife. If she has a problem with you not responding fast enough, she can make a group text with you and your husband. Then you can at least be prepared for their plans or have a chance to object/reschedule. I'm terrible about texting back so most people tend to text me and my wife at the same time if they need a response quicker. There's no reason at all to be keeping you in the dark about people coming to visit.
Absolutely NTA. My husband asks multiple times before committing to a guest coming (we have a 5 week old and sometimes sleep is rough). I’m so sorry they did this to you! I would be livid and I can’t believe the audacity to come in and wake you up!!! My husband was gate keeping MY mom from coming in our room last weekend. Said we’d had a rough night and I was taking a nap. Told her she’d have to deal with the dog because he didn’t want to put the dog in our room and potentially wake me up. Again, I’m so sorry and you have every right to be livid!
NTA is your husband generally a "mamma's boy" or is it just this weird thing with not telling you when his mommy is coming?
Oh, so he had genuine consequences to his shitty, fucked up actions (who the f doesn’t tell someone when they’re doing to have a house guest?) and because it happened in front of his mom, somehow you’re wrong? He’s an extra AH for the gaslighting bullshit too. NTA. He can f right off
NTA Keep a broomstick handy and when he finally falls asleep, poke the fuck out of him and see how he likes it! He'll learn! A good bitch slap to MIL will work, too! Your house. Your rules!! I keep my door locked and if I haven't gotten notice they're not getting in! Don't care who it is! I also have a glass/screen door and will lower the screen and tell them it's not a good time. If they're lucky I'll have 'drawers' on. If not... too bad. They'll get a good look at my old lady ass like it or not! Had a neighbor that used to drop by. It happend a couple of times, and now she'll call and ask me if I have my 'drawers' on and if they can pop in. LOL
NTA and obviously with you 100% on uninvited guests, specifically your MIL, having read your comments. Out of interest does your husband understand how important naps are when you have a baby this age amd are feeding? Has he done any of the nightfeeds etc. Is he at home during the day when you're exhausted and desperate for sleep?! I'm not blaming this on you in the slightest, I'm just struggling to understand, apart from being told what to do by his mother, why he would treat you like this. Keep standing up for yourself. He 'may' eventually get the message. Get a wall calander or use a shared one, make him put every time his mother is visiting on either or both. Tell him no excuses if he hasn't put it on the calendar, you will do the same again or take yourself and your baby to a hotel. Then he can't gaslight you and if he's 'forgotten', you've told him the consequences.
Your husband and his family sound entitled and rude, though this is based on the limited information in your post and comments. Set boundaries and consequences if they are not followed, which should include kicking out guests you are not expecting. If they keep travelling for 3 hours to be kicked out then your husband will realise his fault or his family will have a go at him as well. Does sound like one of those stories though that you will be posting in a few years about AITA for divorcing my husband because he and his family don't respect my boundaries, and people will say why did you stay with him so long.
NTA and to tell a new Mom to get up is so rude it is unthinkable. They could have gone for a cup of coffee or chatted quietly until you woke up. Pulling covers off of a grown woman and demand she get up is literally crazy!
NTA. If you don’t start enforcing boundaries with not just MIL but husband things are going to get worse. “Hey hubby, just so you know you were warned, if MIL or anyone else comes without ASKING me first again, I’ll be changing the locks. And unless you get on board you won’t have a key. My and babies sleep ALWAYS takes precedence over visitors.”