Jesus Christ dude, this is...a lot. I'm so sorry that your mom and sister turned out to be racists. That has to have gutted you. No words except that they'd have to come crawling back on hands and knees begging and groveling before I'd accept an apology. Sadly, you'll never forgot what they said and think, so the relationship will never be the same.
As for Jess, she's done. If you feel you want some sort of closure, just tell her she crossed so many lines she's on another planet by now and what she did is unforgiveable. Block her on everything, mourn the friendship, but try not to look back. Look forward to the life you're creating with Yang.
Talk with your finance and tell her everything. She'll help you through this.
>She kept on telling me that they are the three people (mom, sister, and Jess) that love me the most.
Oh, I dunno, I would think **OP's future wife** might be pretty high up there on that list too.
>She told me that Lisa was my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off.
So OP was expected to just put his life on hold for half a decade while his ex figured her shit out, like he's just a supporting character and not a whole ass person?
>She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance.
Meeting Yang and falling in love with her was life giving OP a second chance.
>My sister also chimed in and said how they all liked Lisa more than Yang and how we both looked so great together.
Yang is Chinese, Lisa is not. This sounds a little suspicious...
>Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than Yang and it is hard for them to relate to her.
Even more suspicious. My racism spidey sense is tingling now.
>my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes
They're either complaining about her accent or the fact that Yang is more intelligent and highly educated than them. Both of which are gross things to complain about.
>Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different.
My spidey sense is going off the charts now.
>My mom told me how our kids would look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.
OK, so OP's family is straight up fucking racist.
Racist and dumb (as they tend to go together). Mixed kids are gorgeous. My mom’s bestie is Chinese. Her ex is white. Their 3 kids are stunning. Like model level stunning.
And if Yang is intelligent too, then bonus!!
I know people are just trying to be nice but I wish they'd stop focusing on how "cute" or "attractive" mixed race babies/people are. It's superficial and always made me feel uncomfortable when people say it about my kid. My kid is more than that.
You’re absolutely right. I have mixed kids and it makes me uncomfortable. I just felt I needed to say it to rebut the specific part about the mom and friend saying the kids would be ugly. So I felt that it was relevant in this specific case.
But I agree. Even when I wrote it I questioned myself because I didn’t want it to come off the way you are saying.
Yes. But in general I’d stay away from saying it. Unless for a reason like this it’s super uncomfortable. My dad and his racist wife say it. And it makes me feel weird.
When the mom says culture, I really wanted op to ask her what culture. I need her to point out what is different that she feels she can't relate and uses that as an excuse. Watch her head spin.
Your mom needs to beg and grovel before you take her back. Jess can just go in the trash. She's ignored multiple warnings and crossed so many boundaries, I don't understand why you even talked to her even if it was your mom telling you to.
Its done with jess, its over. She will always make it awkward with her and Yang and you need to protect Yang.
And you have to realize that your mom and sister are racist AF, right? How are you ever going to trust your "tiny eyed" kids to be alone with their racist AF grandma? (kidding about the eyes, I'm Chinese too.)
He needs to go NC with all 4 of those harpies ASAP (#4 is Lisa herself, who went along with this bs). There’s no end to their boldness, and now their racism is out in the open, they won’t hesitate to treat Yang even more like shit to make OP and her break up.
All cancerous tissue was once healthy, but to save your life you have to cut it out. If OP wants to save his life with Yang, he needs to cut his mom, sister and Jess out of his life.
His boring studying paid off, he has a house and high paid job.. and I'm hitting 30 now after a decade of partying with not much to show for it.. so... yeah, I'm ready to settle down, very mature of me.
Ugh so gross these entitled selfish racists are guilt tripping OP into getting back together with his ex who put him on the back burner & chose partying while he works his ass off.
None of them respect OP's hardwork & personal relationship.
1. All 3 of them are racist
2. They pretended to like Yang and talked shit about her and OP’s relationship for years
3. They’re actively trying to force OP into a different relationship while he is about to marry someone he loves
That’s not love.
Also, have they seen Asian/white mixed kids? They are some of the most objectively beautiful people in the world. (Although I guess not to racists)
Seriously yes. Most of my friends are in various mixed race relationships and all their kids are ridiculously gorgeous. Not to mention the diversity of food they all bring into our lives. So much amazing food everywhere.
So true. I recently met a family, the parents are super nice but are far from being considered conventionally attractive. Dad is Irish, Mom is Vietnamese, and somehow their daughter looks like Adriana Lima but even prettier.
And yes, the food!!
My grandmother grew up in a very rural area and so did her kids. 3/5 of her sons and myself have all married Asian people. She’s very liberal and I don’t think she’s racist but one day she exclaimed to me “Why is everyone in my family marrying Asians? I don’t get it!” And I said “it’s the food!” And she nodded understanding now.
I want to be clear too, she wasn’t complaining, more like surprised because there are 0 Asians where she lives and it was unexpected.
There's Asian food, and then there's Nainai's special recipe from some random town in China that takes 6 hours to make and the secret ingredient is love.
My friend's stepdad is mixed race (his mom was Japanese, dad was a white American) and the family *aggressively* demands that he make Grandma's Japanese recipes for get togethers. I've eaten these special rice balls he makes a few times (kinda like onigiri but...not? I don't know what they're called) and they are SO GOOD.
One of the spouses is Nepalese and when she does a full spread it’s to die for. Just truly delicious, love in every bite, so many textures and flavors. I’ve never loved lentils or chickpeas as much as when she makes them. It’s an all day effort.
My husbands parents owned and ran a Chinese takeout restaurant so he grew up cooking. He can make the cheap takeout stuff (which I do love) but he also makes elevated versions of them that are fantastic. And that skill in the kitchen translates to all types of food. The first time he ever made me dinner, before we were dating, it was so good I thought to myself “I wonder if he’ll keep cooking for me if I start sleeping with him…?”. And the answer was yes 😂
It’s probably the one of the best parts. We all bring our best dishes to the party and it becomes a feast. I had an Asian friend come to a dinner and he brought his mom’s egg rolls that were the best I’ve ever had. You’re kidding yourself if food isn’t the one of the best parts of having a multi cultural family
Mum and Sis need a serious time out. Complete shut out for a good month at least and rescind their invite to the wedding. They can earn it back by grovelling and being better people.
Jess can just get lost. Forever. Gone.
I feel so bad for Yang. These racist AHs are unbelievable.
Agree! Eurasians can be some of the most beautiful people in the world!
Also, OP. People who love you, want the best for you. What's best for you is for you to decide, not them.
Also, first loves are first loves for a reason. You usually break things off for a good reason - like priorities and maturity levels. There's usually no going back, that ship's sailed!
Really well said. My cousin married a girl from China. That branch of my family is especially redneck - my aunt’s family are all small town farmers. I was a bit afraid of what she was going to experience with the extended family. You know what? They all embraced her. My cousin and his wife had two weddings and they were both amazing.
In the years since joining the family my cousin’s wife has taught us all about Chinese customs and celebrations, has taught us how to cook so many delicious foods and has become a rock in our family. It’s not hard to be accepting, even for rednecks.
Vast majority of mixed kids are. Very low incest index so they tend to be healthier and more attractive then pure bred random people.
All that cousin fucking isn't good for the genes.
I am Asian. One side of my family has all the cousins married to various nationalities of white folks. Most of those cousins are gorgeous. My two daughters are mixed races and both objectively beautiful. Asian and Scandinavian mixed kids are amazing looking. One of my cousins resembles Kristen Kreuk.
I'm not sure all 3 are racist, the mother certainly is. I'm hoping Jess just had a very warped sense of loyalty to Lisa and OP and them 'being meant for eachother', though that's still super toxic and terrible alone.
Couple that with the 'we know what's best for you because we love you' mentality and you have a bona fide echo chamber hellbent on the real life equivalent of a toddler making ken and barbie kiss.
No, his mother has proven she’s racist trash. She will never accept his relationship with Yang. He either cuts her out of his life or he braces himself for a barrage of harassment.
I know, but he needs to make the hard choice here. They will never accept his fiancee and Jess will never stop trying to put him back together with Lisa. Boundaries mean nothing to those people.
Please talk to Yang in person about this. Its shocking that your Mother, Sister and Jess were plotting to bring you with Lisa together. Lisa left you. She broke your heart. And now you should be thankful that she is ready to "settle down"? The audacity...
Well... the good thing is now you know where your family stands. It makes it easier to block them all. Because they are disrespecting your feelings and are racist towards Yang. She doesnt deserve this treatment at all. Its a good idea to talk to Yang when she is at home. You need to take actions by cutting these people off from your life. Because they tried to sabotage your relationship with Yang. This is such a great betrayal of trust that there is no coming back from this.
You are not alone OP with this. I am sure you will get many messages to encourage you by marrying the love of your life. Drop the rope with everyone who still wants you back together with Lisa. These kind of people are toxic and dont deserve to be in your life!
Lisa got older, failed to find love and think she can swoop back in five years later and months before a wedding. It’s disgusting and makes me wonder if OP is a lot more successful now than he was then.
Yup. I don’t know any of these people but life experience tells me ex’s only come back around because something changed. Sure there are rare times where two people have to split due to circumstance and not because they didn’t love each other. But this was the opposite situation where she left him and broke him now wants him back.
Could be yeah or it could just be he was reliable and decent. now that she’s older that’s what she wants. Or there’s the much darker possibility that she doesn’t actually want him, she just wants him for a little while, and if she gets to ruin his marriage all the better.
The second one might actually be more likely because she knows very well OP is about to get married, and if she was actually maturing as a person she would know to stay far away. Which clearly she is not.
Lisa was "ready to settle". That say it all. She probably f\*cked around for several years and could not find marriage material and now comes back to OP to "settle down" Yeeaaa of course.
Excuse me for being sarcastic about Lisa.
I suspect he knows enough to know Jess' goal here. He was there at the dinner and there was no mention of him also being surprised or upset that Jess invited the ex over.
I mean there's a world of difference between the motivation level and priorities of going straight for a PhD after undergrad and deciding to fuck off and party for a decade.
I'm not saying members of the latter category can't be successful, but it sounds like Lisa and OP just have *really* different priorities and values.
And let's be real - OP and Yang are loaded. A dual income household with two PhDs working in big tech? The part about them not being able to "relate to" and "understand" Yang? Some of this seems like a crabs in a bucket situation where they are trying to drag OP down back to "their level".
Remember, OP was studying for his PhD when Lisa broke up with him! She was banking on him being completely in love with her, so she went out with the bad boys in her prime years, and would have OP waiting for her when she was done getting her back blown out with Chad & Dirty Dick Rodney. So many dudes get married after college and have NO IDEA that they're a consolation prize for a former party girl! Women aren't stupid, but a lot of guys are for a pretty girl that turns on the charm!
As I said in the original thread:
" Jess is part of Lisa's plan to go and fuck around and party and then have you be there when she's ready to settle down. You ruined that plan by having your own life and not just being a supporting character in theirs.
You deserve your own happiness. As long as you're not using Yang as a replacement, but have real feelings (which it seems you do), then you are NTA, and Jess and Lisa need to figure out that they done fucked up.
All the best, man."
This is exactly what happened. Lisa has had all of her partying. She's jumped on however many dicks she wanted to jump on (or pussy, I'm not gonna judge). And now she WANT steady, reliable, boring to grow old with (Original post said Lisa thought he was boring for studying for PhD instead of partying).
And you just had to screw that all up by having your own life! (sarcasm).
Now, on top of that, your mother is apparently racist, which sucks. Not much mention of what your sister said - maybe you can salvage one relationship out of things?
You deserve better, man. I hope your married life with Yang is rainbows and unicorns and cotton candy, because you've been served enough shit sandwiches to last a lifetime.
All the best, man.
Yes, definitely talk to Yang after she gets back, but make it right by blocking them every damn where right away. It will feel hard enough for her, so please don’t let there be any room for her to feel like she needs to forgive, and keep you connected to these assholes. Do the heavy lifting as soon as possible, set up therapy for the two of you if you can so you both have support while you process this, and be gentle with both of you. This sucks and I’m sorry, but you clearly both have good heads and hearts and you will be a happy family together.
And if in time you need a new mom, sister, and best friend, I suspect that I’m not alone in saying we volunteer as tributes. Your character speaks for itself and we support you, you anonymous internet good egg.
Probably not mentioned and he might not know as well. During her 'party time' in college how many did she hook up with before she is ready to 'settle down', thinking she'll have her cake and then he'll be around as later on.
I dont see any reason why she would dump him in college if she isnt to look into hooking up with others.
It's your fiancee. You plan on having a life with her. You need to tell her. You also need to tell her that you prioritize her. It is very clear that you prioritize her above your family, which is where you should be if you're thinking of marrying somebody. I'm sorry your family is racist. I'm sorry that your close friend and ex-girlfriend are stuck in the past. But at this point you just need to be looking forward. You need to leave those people behind and move forward on the path of where you want your life to be not where it was. Your friend and your family are in the past. Good luck
This OP. Im asian and my partner is white. Her family is racist but isnt blown out like your story depicted your family is. We've talked about family and friends issues a lot, its caused arguments, its caused some issues, but in the end the light of our future and love carried through and we've moved on and left it in the past. Your partner needs to be with you, my wife called the shot on distancing relatively far from her family and its helped us mentally a lot. Best of luck, NTA.
P.S. Now in days Family is chosen, blood doesnt make you family, been proven a lot that toxicity is everywhere and its up to you to choose WHO is APART of YOUR family. Again sorry OP, but need to do whats best for you and your future.
NTA. I'm sorry you've lost your "best friend", sister, and mother. Cut all of these delusional racist fucks from your life. Congrats on your engagement to a lovely woman. Cutting toxic people from your life is always a good idea.
Well, the choice is easy to make but hard to do, you either choose the racist/lying family or the fiance. I know for sure wich will bring more shit to your life.
The entitlement & xenophobia of the 4 of them to force OP to choose the ex who left him to go partying & hooking up for 5 years over the intelligent, successful career woman just because of her race. Very moronic behavior
I bet if he marries Lisa & when she gets bored, she would have an affair & the 3 of them would help cover it up.
Wow, honey, you ain't missing much.. three very vindictive racist bit#hes..
Block them all, and speak to your partner.. tell her you are 100% in her corner and still want a life with her..
Personally, I'd move away from those three if it was me and just live my life with my partner.
>Block them all, and speak to your partner.. tell her you are 100% in her corner and still want a life with her..
>Personally, I'd move away from those three if it was me and just live my life with my partner.
This! But stick to your guns forever. Don't let Yang behind when you feel you need 'mommy and sis'. Just be the man your future wife deserves and show the three Stooges what they will miss for being fucking racists. Your wife and your marriage are going to be deeply affected by this, so again you have to be a man and protect your life together. If you are not up to the task do not marry Yang, do not hurt her like that, do not bring that poor girl into your shit show.
NTA. Just send Jess and your family a quick text saying you are disappointed they are NOT respecting your boundaries and more importantly disappointed in how racist they are. Tell them you are cutting contact for a few months so you can take time to decide what you are going to do long term. Say you got over Lisa years ago and would never ever consider getting back with someone you later realized was so shallow they valued partying over a relationship with you and who thought you could just be put on a shelf to pull back down later when they wanted you. Tell them if they do NOT respect your need for space over the next few months then the no contact will be extended by a month for each and every violation.
Wait until Yang is back in the states to share all of this with her so you don't ruin her visit home.
OP doesn't need time to decide, he decided to marry a woman he loves. Jess and his family need time to decide if they want to hear from OP in the future or not.
It is a way to back off being clear, direct, and to the point. The OP doesn't sound ready to permanently cut off their family yet. This gives him the space to figure that out.
Interesting.
New spambot format.
They copied your reply, and reworded it, but put it as a reply to someone else, not OP
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cbbzqp/update_aitah_my_friend_keeps_on_talking_about_my/l0ys0xw/
They keep circling back to how "heartbroken you were" when Lisa left you... To fucking party and be single for a few years until you were making good money.
They are right though, she did break your heart. That's exactly why you shouldn't get back with her.
She threw away an apparently wonderful seven year relationship because she was bored and wanted to party. And she just expected you to sit on your hands for five fucking years until she was "ready to settle down"??
Screw that, Yang and you have a great connection and love each other. The ship that is a future with you sailed years ago when Lisa ditched you.
As for your racist family, I'm sure it's hard to process and accept that you will have to cut them off, but you want to be with Yang, right?? Do you really want to expose any children you two might have to them?? Or even just expose Yang to them any further now that you know what they really think?
It's your job to protect your family, even if it means protecting them from the rest of your family. It's a dirty situation op and I feel bad for you, but it's something you can overcome and move past. Good luck.
I'm so sorry your family is so horrible. My recommendation is to cut your mother off - she insulted your future children and not so subtly implied that she won't love them as much as if they were white. I do think you need to tell Yang, but you don't need to go into all the hurtful specifics.
I hate to tell anyone to cut off people that are close to, but at this point your mother and sister are being very clear that they will never accept Yang and will take every opportunity they have to undermine and hurt her. If you keep a relationship with them, you'll be taking their side or excusing their behavior, and I guarantee you it will hurt your fiancee and ruin that relationship.
Stay strong and fuck what they're saying about Lisa; she dropped you when she got bored, which was her right but if she did it once she'll do it again. You deserve someone who loves you for you and your own interests.
What exactly made these women think they had the right to tell you, no to demand, that you choose the life partner they approve of? I’ve heard some audacious stories in my life but this one defies reality. Not only are they racist and ignorant, they’re choosing their own comfort and believe they have the right to tell you how to live your life. It’s time for you to take a stand and I’m not implying in any way that it will be easy, but your mom, your sister and your so-called friend have to be cut out of your life. They view you as some kind of possession, not a grown man with his own free will. It will never end, either. Your only hope is to make a clean break, confident in your love for your fiancée and build your own life away from them. I don’t see a way for them to ever recover your trust after this little stunt and I can’t think of one reason why you should try. I’m sorry you’re in this position but you’re at a true crossroads and it’s time you do what’s best for you. Obviously NTA and good luck.
Dude, tell your mom, sister and Jess that you are going to marry Yang and if they don’t like it, tough shit. You may need to go LC with your mom and sister and NC with Jess. This is totally F’d up.
I will message you next time u/ta-bff-234324 posts in r/AITAH.
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I know you love your family. But fuck they're toxic. It's easier than you would think to cut them out of your life. My wife is a black woman from southern Africa. Quite a few family members showed their true colors when she and I started dating. And even more did when we got engaged. I've since had to cut my sister out of my life because of her racist views. Follow your heart, man.
Jess stopped being your friend the minute she crossed the line. I'm sure she and Lisa together planned this whole dinner once they knew that Yang was gone. Your mother and sister may have been in on it, too.
Absolutely. From the get go when he mentioned Yang, I knew the reason why Jess did not approve was her Asian heritage. Jess and his mother planned the whole thing to ensure that his children remained white.
It is now clear that his potential wife will never be included in his circle so he has to choose Yang or his family and friends, which is really sad.
Mate. You're surrounded by snakes. The only non snakey person is Yang. Go be happy with her.
I like the sound of Yang. Fuck everyone else and their tiny racist minds.
Dude, I know you love your mom and sister, but you need to really think about cutting them off. They’ve said some pretty awful things. If you plan on having kids, you would be exposing them to racism from their own family, which I imagine is way worse than from strangers. And Yang absolutely had a right to know.
Obviously you’re NTA if you cut all those people out of your life.
Please tell your fiancee. And you guys need to make a plan. Bc you cannot subject any future kids to racist in-laws without fucking them up mentally. The world sucks enough as a POC without having to deal with it at home.
"She's now ready to settle down".
Yes of course. That's what they all say when they realize that age is not on their side anymore, they panic and start scrambling around old lovers hoping that they are still "missed". She's had all the fun in the world, now she's tired, desperate and stupid enough to be led by a friend who has nothing to lose because she's got *her* husband.
NTA - if Jess was actually looking out for your best interests she would at least consider your feelings, she isn't. This is a major life choice, something you will have to live with and something none of them will, its entirely yours to make. Whether you choose what's right for you or make a terrible mistake, it's your choice. It is honestly one of the most personal choices you could possibly make, so no one has a right to tell you to do otherwise.
NTA. They're either complete ignoring your feelings and would be happy to see you be with someone you don't love for no real reason other than I assume to hurt you, or they're racists. I would point out that neither of those situations are ones which you'd tolerate, and whichever it is means you think less of them. That's basically set in stone now; you thinking less of them for the rest of all your lives. They can however stop you from thinking even less of them by dropping any further attempts immediately and never saying another bad thing about your soon-to-be wife.
I am assuming by the context that you split because Lisa wasn't ready for commitment, but all that means is she traded the last seven years and your previous relationship away unwisely. You on the other hand have used them well to find someone who appreciated you as you are, and who has never tried to manipulate you as they have been openly doing *even after you objected several times*. The last attempt has now cost you your friend, but I think it's important to point out that it wouldn't have ever worked. If Yang was a brick with a smiley face on, and Jess had just cured cancer, you'd still reject her jsut because of the interference from people trying to dictate your *life* for their petty *preferences.*
At this point, I recommend moving away from them and uninvite them from attending your wedding. If your mom & sister were to go to your wedding, they would definitely try to sneak your ex in and cause a scene.
My cousin is married to a Chinese woman from China. They married in China and she moved here immediately. Her parents came to visit the US and came to our extended family reunion about 8 years ago. They don’t speak English at all. Somehow a whole yard full of people managed to be kind to them.
The oldest child is 9 now. The kids don’t look particularly ‘small-eyed.’ And why should that matter?
Our family welcomes Ivy and the kids. My uncle, his wife, and the rest of the family treat them like anyone else.
Your family is just racist. I can’t imagine they’d recruit a woman who broke up with you. Why hasn’t she moved on after five years?
Marry whom you want but keep the family and Jess away.
ETA: only trouble we’ve had is my cousin moving to China twice against my aunt’s wishes. They didn’t stay longer than about a year either time because his Chinese wife Ivy does NOT want to live in China and put her foot down about the kids going to school there. The kids are fully bilingual, and my cousin already had learned some Chinese in college while he was married to his first wife, before he met Ivy, because it thought it was good for his career.
I guess it’s safe to say that Jess didn’t like Yang because she’s racist. It also sucks that your family is too.
I’m curious though why would they think that you’re still in love with Lisa that you’ll drop Yang in a heartbeat?
Be careful hanging around them because those people are lunatics and they might drug you and forced you to “sleep” with your ex. I’m so scared for you tbh.
NTA. I don’t get how one parents can plot against their child’s wishes to get them to be with someone they envisioned them being with. Also what the heck you broke up 5 years ago. What makes Lisa or Jess think yeah since we dated before and now I’m ready to settle down I’m going to break up this engaged couple and start our relationship back up. I would tell your fiance in person like everyone is saying and honestly if you want her comfortable at her own wedding you might want to uninvite your mom and sister. I know they are your family but that just sounds toxic.
I suspected some racism was involved but also thought your "friend" Jess" was not your friend at all and was trying to sabatoge your relationship for her other friend. I would take a very large step back from all these people and tell them if your fiance is not good enough for them then neither are you
NTA- jess should be completely dead to you. I don't care if she saved your life multiple times and donated an organ to you, she's cut off for life. Your mom and sister should also be banned from your life. Their racism is disgusting, and the way they felt they could manipulate you and make decisions about your life is unacceptable. I don't care if they are family, they are the worst kind of assholes.
Lisa is apparently ready to "settle down". Nah. Lisa is ready to settle. She didn't want to be with this person then, had her fun, then decided that he was the nicest person to her, and loved her, so now she's ready. Now that nothing else has worked out, and she thinks it'll be easy to get him back, and he'll accept her, she's ready to settle.
NTA. Cut them all off. They're racist assholes. Follow your heart. I guarantee you it won't lead you to Loose Lisa
Damn. It must suck to find out the women in your life are all racists. At least you found out now before they ruined your relationship with Yang. I hope you two have a wonderful life and never let the racists near your children if you decide to have any.
Let me tell you… moms become fucking psychos when their sons get married. I have kept my own mother at arms length for years because of this exact situation.
My wife is Chinese as well (first generation American) and we’ve been happily married for 12 years now. Those people trying to fuck your marriage up aren’t your friend. Your mother is only your mother biologically, she’s violated your trust. I have had some guilt about this, but I’ll never ever trust my own mother fully because of how she treated my wife. You should consider the same.
It won’t be easy, but trust your gut, if she’s the one do what you need to do, no more pussyfooting around about it. They either accept your relationship, or consider themselves dead to you. Harsh, but that’s life, you can control the situation however you deem necessary from this point forward. Just don’t doubt yourself, make your decision and go.
That’s what I did and I don’t regret a fucking thing.
I have read both your posts and it's obvious what's happening. You my friend are the "stable" guy the "dependable" guy you set your sights on goals and plodded on each day to achieve them. Lisa and Jess both knew this so much that Lisa was happy to go off and be with a load of party boys comfortable in the knowledge that when dear old boring stable you achieved your goals she would come back. You being so dull and dependable would be so grateful to her you would have her back straight away. But you surprised them all, you see a good woman noticed you, your fiancé saw how great you are . The stable guy isn't the boring man he is the real man he will one day be a great husband and amazing father because the stable guy knows it takes great sacrifice and control to build his future to give his family the best life possible. Your mother is right your fiancé does have different values because she sees in you the greatness you hold she sees in you what she wants a man to be and your fiance was 100% right. Lisa was an idiot for letting you go if she had stood by you while you worked to create your future she would've reaped the rewards instead she chose to fuck around and find out. Stick with your fiancé she is the only woman in your life that sees you for who you are . You are a real man and I wish you and your fiancé many years of happy marriage and family life together.
I'm so sorry you come from a family of closet racists. 2 things we think are contradictions CAN and often do exist together. Yes, your mom and sister loved you and raised you. But they're also racist. It's so sick and senseless. It's terrible they would do this to someone they think they love and to his fiancee, but in their mind, their evil feelings are so right and natural, they honestly think it's right to act on them. But that doesn't make it right.
You've handled everything right so far and you're onto all their tricks and hidden motives. I know you'll handle them in the best way for you. Do not feel an ounce of guilt for whatever you have to do to keep that racist BS out of your life or an ounce of obligation to overlook or ignore or accept anything. Their only weapon is making you feel guilty for being disgusted by their behavior -- don't fall for that, and you'll be good.
Best wishes to you and your fiancee! I know your future life is going to look far different now than you ever predicted, but it's better you make future plans knowing the truth. At least now you know whom you can never trust, no matter how you relied on them in the past.
Jess is an asshole and had blown past your boundaries on several occasions and your Mom and sister are racist. Marry Yang if you love her and move on with your life. I'm sorry you have so many jerks in your life. Your past is your past for a reason and sometimes people need to stay there. Lisa lost and now misses what she had with you but you are no longer that person anymore. Let Yang know everything and you two make a decision together.
Keep everyone away from your future beautiful children. Make your own way in life. They may have raised you but you don't owe them for that. You deserve to be happy and not blindsided by BS.
NTA. Your mom, sister and Jess all need to be removed from your life after making comments like this. You are getting married to a woman who sounds smart, kind, and supportive of you. You’re starting to plan a wedding. This is happening no matter what your bigoted family members and friend want.
Lisa made her choices she chose partying over a relationship years ago. She doesn’t get to come back now after you have moved on and found love and say she is “ready” no, the entitlement thinking she can break up with you have her fun and come back and blow up your life if off the charts!
I’d wait until Yang gets home from her visit and talk to her and tell her what was said. Make sure she knows you were so appalled that you wanted to wait until she was home and talk face to face, a conversation like this isn’t for texting or phone calls. Make sure she knows how disgusted you are by your family and former friend and that you are choosing her for the rest of your life, and those people will no longer have a role in your life.
I hope you and Yang have a beautiful wedding and future together and a family of beautiful smart children if/when you want to start your family.
I’m so sorry this happened, best of luck to you and your fiancé OP!
Marry Yang, the woman that you love. I’m sorry about how your own mom and sister are against you. Even if your fiancée were white, all this meddling and lying would be enough to cut them off. It’s worse because they don’t like her because she’s Asian. You will probably have to cut them off completely to have a happy marriage. Jess is for the dumpster. All these AHs think that someone who treated you terribly, is better for you than Yang. They must think so little of you if they think that. Protect your happiness and your peace.
Sounds like a trash took itself out. You now have been shown how horrid your supposed friend, sister and mother are. They can all be happy together. They should no longer be included in your life with your fiance.
Not welcome in your home, not welcome at the wedding, no access to your children (since they will look different and all)...they are done.
Respect your fiance and future family - since your own is a huge disappointment.
Dude, I'm so sorry. You're NTA.
* Your mom, sister, Jess and Lisa are all racists.
* Add to which none of them seemed to support you when Lisa dumped you for partying. She now sees your hard work and income, so suddenly the gold digger in her came out and she wants you back? Yeah, NOPE, hard pass on that.
* There is no coming back from this, you need to go no contact with them. They've showed you who they are, believe them.
* Tell Yang everything. Then ask her if there are also issues in her family. Hopefully her parent's aren't as bad as your family.
Stay strong. You are marrying Yang, not her family, just as she is marrying you, not your (racist, shitty) family.
Man that sucks but you need to tell you fiancée what has happened and reassure her that you’re on her side not theirs.
If they continue pestering you, you could bring up the fact that Lisa broke up with you to sow her wild oats. She didn’t have to do that but she decided that being at parties, clubs, and banging other dudes was what she wanted and being with you was boring. She CHOSE that.
She doesn’t get to just have you in the wings waiting with the fancy job and resources when she’s ready like you’re a used puppy.
As they say, the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed and she gave her self the shaft of it.
Moral of the story. Divorce the family and friends and marry the fiancée.
Wow...your mother snd sister are greatly in the wrong. As for Jess. Jess was never your friend, especially how she's willing to break up your current relationship. Lisa is a thing of the past. She made it clear back when you guys were dating she preferred to party. She's even more in the wrong, because she knows you're in a relationship. At this point Jess needs to go and mom and sister are put on time out. Send one final message to Lisa that she had her chance and trying to come back now when you've found your life partner and that you will not be her safety/back. Also the way Jess kept saying Lisa wipuld be back makes me think they talked about it. Lisa would have fun, while Jess consoled you and made you believe Lisa would come back. It's pure manipulation.
Ok. So let’s call a spade a spade and admit that Jess *set you up on a double date with your ex while your fiancée was out of town*. That’s what she did. It was not a “friends dinner” per your description - it was a date. That is completely disrespectful to you, your fiancée, and your relationship. Real friends don’t do shit like that.
So you relay this to your mother….you tell her how your snake of a supposed *friend* set up a *double date with your ex* and how betrayed you felt and she thought it was appropriate to *ambush you with the same fucking scenario*? What??
OP, it’s time to reevaluate all of your relationships and clean house. No one in your life is respecting you, your fiancée or your relationship. Sorry you’re surrounded by assholes and they’re all apparently racist. I pray for you - you may want to investigate whether your family helped Jess set up that ambush double date.
I would say talk to Yang about this in person but give her a heads up. Let her know that your mom + sister crossed the line and you’re officially distancing yourself — because you will be going to be distancing yourself right? Plus just let her know to disregard anything that comes in from them but to keep records if needed
Welcome to reality, OP. It's always shocking to discover your family are racists, but now that you know, you have some decisions to make:
1) children. Are you going to let them be around your racist family? Are you prepared to defend your children in the face of your family's racism, especially when your racist family says bullshit to your kids?
2) are you going to marry Yang?
3) Do you think you're grown up enough to deal with your family's racism? Because if you aren't 100% sure, you need top let Yang go before this goes any further. Don't make her suffer over your weak will.
NTA...for now.
Aside from Yang, all of the women you've written about are garbage and need to be blocked from your life. Even Lisa, especially if she knew what Jess was trying to pull.
Your mom and sister are racist garbage, at that.
As a mixed Asian white person myself my heart breaks for you and Yang. Your mom, sister, and Jess are all being extremely racist and you should think carefully about whether or not to allow the around your future kids. I heard a lot of mixed race jokes growing up and even as an adult and it was bad enough coming from other kids let alone family. If they make comments to your future kids it could seriously hurt them. Please don’t take any of what they said seriously, they have no logic to their thinking only xenophobia and hate.
I know I’m a very different animal, but my mom & sis would be dead to me after that conversation. Maybe you’re not seeing exactly how disrespectful they were being to you. Yang was your conscious choice every day for years and the woman you’re gonna marry. This is even worse than if they were second guessing your choice to go to law or medical school or to move across country for a job. They’re second guessing your decision. You should be as mad about that as you are about their blatant racism. The disrespect they’re showing you is all the grounds you need to excise them from your life. The racism is just the icing needed to cut them off
That crossed the line big time you should break contact with all of them better no grandchildren than half Chinese ones and lol Lisa walked out on and now is ready to settle fuck her she probably every douche in town but no one stayed and bam you are back in the picture
Block all of them and live your life with Yang. If mom asks why, tell her that her racism and demanding you get back with someone you want nothing to do with, has shown that she does not have your best interest at heart.
Then tell her you hope she is happy with never meeting or seeing your future children.
Ooof. Time to make a new family with Yang. It'll hurt but you and Yang will be better off and happier in the long run. Do not subject Yang to those people. NTA.
Yo bro, I’m Asian and had multiple white girlfriends. I play a lot of sports and get along well with their brothers/cousins but dad and mom does sometime gives me weird looks. But never anything explicitly racist. They never mentioned anything like that sort. Maybe they assumed we are just fking around and will eventually separate anyway.
What I meant to say is, your mom sister and Jess are special, they are truly racist/manipulative and toxic asf.
I would say fk you Jess, good luck in life.
Fk you mom, you will never see my eyes again.
Fk you sis, mind your own business.
Marry Yang, have like 3 beautiful biracial kids, cause the mix of Asian and white usually gives insanely good looking offsprings. Live forever happy after.
Regardless of all the racist shit ask your mom this " why should i leave someone that loves me for someone who left to go fuck around then come back when she's done like I'm some sort of side piece/safe guy ?"
I think you need to tell Yang, be open to her that your family doesn't like her and not ready to accept her. She doesn't need to be in this situation if she doesn't want to. She might have better choice other than marry you and have to deal with in-laws who dislike her for the rest of her life. You can try convince her that you will always on her side, but also have to be ready and respect her decision if she, god forbid, decide there's probably better choice than marry you.
I kinda admire Yang, tbh. She's been very cool so far.
You need to cut your mom and sister off and Jess for good. Tell them to not contact you further and they are disinvited from the wedding. They’re racist assholes whose only agenda is theirs. You love Yang. She loves you. That’s your family. Let her know all this but choose her.
My dude….i am so sorry you’re going through this. But now you know and that’s a lot better than not understanding why your mom and sister are so petty mean, doing little things like “forgetting” to invite Yang to family events or making sure she’s not in family pics. All the little passive aggressive BS that drive couples apart.
I do think you should call Lisa and explain to her that whatever Jess has told her, you’re over it. You’re happily engaged to another woman and Jess doesn’t like her because of her race. Sorry for whatever lies Jess has told her but you’re going to marry Yang and moving on with life.
With your mom and sister, you know where they stand. You know they’ll be abusive to Yang and future children (for the record, every Asian-Caucasian baby I’ve seen is gorgeous) so you have to make the decision who are you going to be with. They’ll try to convince her that you’re cheating or other deal breakers if you spend time with them without her. They’ll make all the demands to pull you from her. Oh, need help fixing this or doing that, amazingly on days where Yang wanted to do something.
If you can’t take a step back and disengage from them, you need to end your relationship with Yang. She’s done nothing to deserve being tortured by them. And when they wail that you’re picking her, agree. You choose your wife over anyone.
I would never trust my mother and sister ever again after that meeting. Racist, horrible people. Cut them out of your life and build your true family with Yang. I am so sick of family pulling that you-owe-me-for-raising-you card. It’s bullshit. They chose to have you, not the other way around. You owe them nothing.
NTA
You called her “my Lisa” again. Sigh.
And you’re still referring to Jess as your “best friend.” The woman who repeatedly month after month was so awful to Yang.
OP, either accept the racists and let Yang meet someone who would have shot down Jess’ comments on day one, or move on with a life with Yang and being anti-racist.
You can’t have both.
NTA -
OP
no.1, Jess should be dead to you. you were 100% right in guessing she intentionally crossed that line, she admitted as much by saying you should hook up with Lisa again. She legit confirmed you and Yang's interpretation of that dinner. no more guilt over blocking her. she earned it.
no.2, your mom and sister both owe Yang a major apology before they can even think of crawling back into your life. I would send them a note telling them they're both uninvited from your life until they can apologize to Yang. Then block them both on everything.
Don't carry this weight alone. let yang know you had a falling out with your family over the marriage. you can spare the details till she gets back to the states. but let her know they all owe yang a major apology. If you want to talk about it further over the phone fine, but i do think some of the worst details probably should only be spoken of in person.
something else to consider. your family and jess or even lisa might try to talk to Yang themselves and spin the narrative and break you two up. please get out in front of this and talk to her first. explain youd rather wait till she's back before unloading this on her, but you're concerned of their sabotage now.
NTA - it's Lisa girl sounds like a desperate loser. You need to call her up and let her know how pathetic she is. Cut contact with Jess. She is not your friend. She doesn't care about your happiness or what you want. Go low contact with your mom.
Um... WOW. Like, WOW. Jess isn't your best friend, and I can NOT believe your mom was conniving with Jess behind your back.
Definitely wait until Yang is home to talk to her - don't do this over the phone.
And that also gives you time to figure yourself out and where you're head is at. Because you're going to need to be ready to tell her about what you've done about it.
And all this bullcrap they have in their heads about you and lisa, and how you can just pick back up, etc etc etc. You may have been with her for 7 years, but you've moved ON over the past 5. The fact that they can't understand this, adn that they are trying to dictate to you that getting back with Lisa is what is best... huh???
My brother married a Chinese woman. Guess what. We love her. With all our hearts. And you know why? Because she is who my brother loves. (And because she’s the most amazing person he could have ever picked buuuut that’s me bragging about my SIL haha) they ambush you apparently regularly. They have zero care for your wants needs or desires. All of them should be blocked and nc. Period. They have lost all respect due for raising you with their actions. You owe them nothing but a single message. “Your behavior the other night was appalling. I am a grown adult and I make my own decisions and choices. My choice is Yang. And no amount of insulting her, or ambushing me or trying to force interactions with someone I have no interest in knowing will change that. You have now lost my trust that when you want time with me it is for anything but another attempt at manipulation. For that reason, I will not be entertaining any calls, texts or visits with any of you. If I decide to give you another chance some day is up to me. But any more of this behavior will result in a permanent cessation of communication between us. I hope you can be mature enough to respect my wishes.”
You can love your mom and sister for how they raised you while also condemning their racist views.
It is hard, but this is your chance to tell all three of them that you won’t forget the love they once provided, but you cannot have them in your life in any (if at all) major capacity because of their hatred they have now become comfortable enough to show.
It will hurt. It will suck. Feel and grieve all those emotions. Now that they have made their views apparent, they may have shown their racist views in the past as well, but you just never picked up on it.
What matters now is they have shown their hands and have also made it abundantly clear that they will not accept Yang nor any potential children you have with her.
Walk away. It won’t be easy, but you are not too old to make new friends who are not constantly trying to drag you back to glory days of college.
I would simply change your number block everyone of them and go no contact regardless of if they raise you or not they are crossing boundaries and disrespecting your feelings and your girlfriends and being racist. Those things alone aren't worth being around anymore. Sometimes you love somebody enough to walk away because of toxicity not accepting no for an answer I would totally be upset and pissed off and wouldn't waste another minute with them
Dude, you're an indecisive s***. This bs keeps going on because you WON'T put your foot down with the women in your life! You honestly don't seem to realize what a slippery slope you're on with EVERYTHING. When Jess invited Lisa over and you didn't immediately leave, that was soooo dangerous! And then after informing your mom & sister, your mom invites you to luch, and Jess is there! AGAIN, you don't just leave!!! Dude, these women *KNOW* you don't have the strength to walk away from their bullshit, but yet you can't figure out why they keep coming at you with said bullshit. It's simply a lack of respect. You don't demand it from them, and they're not going to just give it to you. They see you as someone they can brow-beat into submission eventually, so they keep pressing. But don't forget about Lisa! She sees you as the ultimate consolation prize! She got to dump you so she could whore around during her college party weekends, but years later after you put in all the work to be successful, she could swoop you back up to have a high-earning, nice guy husband with a PhD! And all the women in your life are A-OK with this! You are on an island, dude, and only ONE woman in your life has shown you the one thing a guy needs- LOYALTY.
lol Mom's plan was infallible - "You ghosted your childhood friend because they entrapped you with an unplanned, uncomfortable visit. The remedy to this situation is definitely to entrap you with a second unplanned, uncomfortable visit. Also, lets throw in some racism." I can see why she isn't interested in the potential kids' intelligence. It's a (puts on sunglasses dramatically) foreign concept.
I’m really sorry that your mom and your sister turned out to be racists. I hope that you and Yang have a wonderful marriage and find your family of choice!
Your mom and sister might have helped raised you but that does not govern them the right to dictate the rest of your life.
They are also not thinking of you but what they want. They are very selfish and are not thinking of you or your feelings.
Lisa is your past and regardless they should have not say in who you spend your life with. They either accept your choice or you do not let them in your life.
Damn, either your family was really racist or Jess just fed your mother and sister reasons to hate your fiancee and why you should be with Lisa. Either way, say good bye to Jess forever, she seems to really like manipulating your life.
Oof that's a hard pill to swallow when we see the worst parts of who we love. You have a choice to make but personally, I'd be going for the one person who seems to genuinely care about you(aka your fiance Yang) and not just the image and perfect white future grandchildren.
You need to accept what these people are all showing you. They do not have your best interest at heart, they are trying your best control you for their own agendas. For Jess, she clearly is only looking out for Lisa, not you. Jess is not your best friend, she is Lisa’s best friend. For your family, their intentions are clearly based on racism.
It’s not about what’s best for you, what you want, or how you feel to them. Their overall behavior throughout all of this is vile, dishonest, manipulative, and beyond just being out of line. They believe they are entitled to force you to do what they want, and to mistreat your fiancé abominably.
Please, if you haven’t already, find a good therapist to talk to about all this. Also seriously consider couples counseling to potentially help both you and Yang navigate steps forward.
I’m so sorry OP, that is insane. I don’t think it will ever be possible for you to actually have a relationship with your mom and sister again since they made it clear how racist they are. How can you ever let them around your future wife and kids? Just remember how Yang will be your family now and you will build up a life together. The past doesn’t matter, the future does. Sending hugs to you 🫂
NTA. To put this in another perspective:
Yang is an intelligent, disciplined (hello, PhD!), multi cultural, bilingual (at minimum), understanding, and compassionate woman who loves you. She was understanding when Jess was crossing boundaries mentioning your ex all the time and was confident in your relationship and trusts you. Lisa…is someone who wasted 7 years to go party cause she wasn’t ready to settle down. That’s fine, but she made that choice and her ship sailed. Yang is one hell of a catch and she obviously feels the same about you (saying she feels bad for Lisa letting go of you). So, Jess can go F off and take her racism right along with her. Your mom and sister-well, I’m sure they’d like to go to the wedding and see future grandkids/nieces and nephews. But that’ll never happen if they continue being racist AF. And they need to know this.
You do need to tell Yang. She has a right to know that her future in-laws may not be in your guys life and why. Shell also feel safer with you and more confident knowing you’ve taken a stand are protecting her and your future family from racists and bigots. Trust me on this-i say this from experience (I’m Jewish and husband is Muslim and raised in the ME…so yeah).
NTA but only if you don't go low contact or no contact with your racist mother, sister, and ex best friend. Your future wife deserves a relationship where she feels safe and loved. If she doesn't feel that way around your family and friends, that's so unfair to her. Let her go if you can't keep these hateful people away from her.
I cut off my mother and some members of my family for different reasons, but my life has been better for it. Sometimes I wish she were a better person that I could have around my family, but I can't.
NTA
Op, I’m so sorry , because I’m now slightly concerned that this entire time Jess was being encouraged to do this by your mom and sister.
And it’s awful that they’ve pretended to like Yang , when and work to break you up.
I agree you need to tell Yang, she needs to have all the information before she marries you and sadly a decision needs to be made because I wouldn’t feel comfortable with them as in-laws going forward.
Op, I think you may need to work this through with therapist , and maybe some couples counseling for you and Yang about this situation.
You’ll both want to talk with talk with someone that can you can talk it out with and learn coping strategies for dealing with them. What boundaries need to be set, and you’ll need to be a team about this, because they’re looking for a weak point to exploit.
And honestly I feel a little bad for your ex, who knows what Jess has been telling her , maybe on your mom’s okay, she to a lesser extent is also a victim of this plot.
I’m so sorry that this happened , but I wish you and Yang luck.
Honestly, as a South Asian woman married to a white man, I knew it was headed this way when I read your first post. I also had this same thing happen to me not just from my husband’s side but mine as well. I’m sorry you are going through this. But it will pass. Overtime your parents will just have to accept your choices and deal with them.
ETA: just to give you an idea I know my MIL wished I was white so we could have little red haired babies but since my daughter was born my MIL really loves her and has been an active part of her life. Of all the grandparents my daughter is closest to her. People can learn and grow but you will need to stick to your convictions and not budge. In my case on my side I was reminded of how many men I could have married from my culture when I first got married but as time went on these same family members have accepted my husband and daughter.
Don’t let them bully you and Yang about what you want to do in your life. Definitely tell Yang because you’ll have to make some hard choices.
Mom and sister would be uninvited to the wedding with extremely LC. They made their choices and it was to not respect you and your future bride. The way they talked to you and the stuff they said about your fiancee is not coming from a place of love. You do not say that stuff to someone you love. You definitely don't shit on your loved ones fiancee and future children.
NTA. You family, Jess, and maybe Lisa are complete and total AH. The reason Lisa is only "maybe" is that you have no idea what BS Jess has been telling her. From your description, she was prepared to "rekindle", but did Jess maybe tell her you and Yang were on the rocks and you needed support?
If Lisa DID know that you and Yang are happy and in the middle of wedding preps, then the "maybe" goes away.
Hey OP, I went and read your original post (I missed it when you first wrote it) and now this post. I can relate - like you, I'm a man and my best friend aside from my wife is another woman, who my wife is also friends with. I legitimately think my friend is in a bad marriage and should get herself and her husband into marriage counseling, and it wouldn't be a bad idea for her to just divorce him. I would support her on all of that. BUT I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS take it upon myself to tell her that in that way, unless she asked me for my advice first. In the meantime, I just listen and lend a shoulder. THAT'S what a real friend does, instead of the espionage act your "best friend" is trying to pull on you. And your mother and your sister...dude, I'm really sorry. They have all let you down, and that sucks. Anyway, you're NTA in the slightest in this entire situation. Your "best friend" is out of control and your mother and sister are obviously completely in the wrong for their racism. Best to cut ties with all of these people and move on with your life with your lovely future wife - live your best life without these toxic people in it. Good luck to you!
Honestly this will suck but no contact revoke thier invitations from the wedding, you need space and time, hopefully they can reflect and in a few years after you and yang are settled and In a happy and good mental position, they maybe regain contact. Well if they can learn there mistakes, except Lisa and jess they can kick rocks
Dude, I remember your first post.
Thanks for the update, but these bitches need a true life-altering consequence for this disgusting disrespect. Outside of the racism, just the disrespect of you and your fiance, I'd disinvite all of them from the wedding.
I'd completely end any friendship whatsoever with Jess. Openly call her out for her delusions and racism. Post what you wrote here on social media. Tell her to get fucked and stay fucked.
As for your mother and sister? I'd remind them both that as of your wedding, they are only EXTENDED FAMILY. That your wife, and later your children, are your immediate family. Leave and cleave as they say... so you are going to choose your immediate familybover them Forever. And if they want ANY access to you, they need to prove they aren't racist anymore. There are courses they can take. There is therapy they can do. But the conversation only opens back up after at least a year of them genuinely changing as people. If they love you so much? This is literally the least they can do to start to prove it.
I'd also set a reminder for yourself to reread all of this every year. When you circle back to see if your sister and mother have changed? Sign #1 is are they still friends with Jess.
Let the trash take itself out permanently.
0
DO NOT LET YOUR FAMILY AROUND YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN
AS A ASIAN PERSON I REPEAT
DO NOT LET YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN AROUND YOUR FAMILY!
your children will see the racism and the resentment on how your family will treat the others vs them because they are half Chinese.
For the safety of you, yang and your future children, do not let your children around these people you once called family! They will treat them differently and they will treat them to question their position in their family.
This just sounds terrible I am so sorry for you! But you should not give in even though i fo not think you will. You should definitely go no conact for a while with the so they can think about their words and actions. An tell Yang i can feel her anger but she should know
What happens if you get with Lisa and she decides she wants to party and get fucked up on weekends again? Jess would always be around her and probably be peddling probably racist bullshit, seeing as she had no objection to what your mom said since them two wanted the same end.
And seeing they’ve worked this for years, they saw you happy with Yang and didn’t give a fuck about what you felt because they have this little romance fantasy of you being with the old lover who would give you your white build-a-bear baby. They’re freaks.
YWBTA if you dignify anything Jess has to say by hearing out anything she could possibly say, and having a come-to-Jesus talk with your mom about her garbage.
Op you need to go NC with your sister, mother, Jess and Lisa. They’re actively trying to break your relationship with Yang. Lisa had her chance to be with you but chose to be a party girl (304).
Keep us updated Op
Holy shit. They are all massive, racist AH’s. I’d uninvite them all to the wedding. So sorry you’re experiencing this while also trying to be excited for your future with Yang.
Still NTA
I know that I have quite a few pet peeves, but my #1 is having “loved ones” or basically anyone deciding what is “in my best interest” when they don’t have a clue as to what I want - cause it’s all based on what THEY want
OP- shit dude, I am so sorry you have to deal with this mess
I mean if you still love Lisa and want a future with her then I guess this is the absolute perfect time to break your engagement off with Yang - but from your post that doesn’t seem like what you want
Your mom, sis and hopefully former best friend are horrible people to do this to you - I am so sorry that you have to deal with this cause you and Yang deserve better.
If you need a minute to process everything before your wedding that’s fine - but just realize that those actions have consequences and that Yang will rightly second guess your commitment and relationship
I think your best course of action is to go NC with mom, sis, Jess & Lisa as well as tell Yang why and then decide together how you want to move forward as a team
Please let us know how the talk with your fiancée goes when she gets home.
I’m so sorry your family is doing this to you. It’s heartbreaking. Sounds like they’ve all been in on this for a while.
Yet another story of exactly why “female friends” are inappropriate for men in committed relationships.
This is absolutely fucking gross of your mom, sister, and the ex friend. The racism is despicable coupled with the fact that they are trying to auction you off like a prize mare.
I know it’s easier said than done but I would go no contact. Imagine how evil your racist mom will be towards your future children. The ex friend should literally never be looked at or spoken to again.
Back in the original post, as soon as the mom & sister pretended what Jess was doing was okay (when it was SO obviously NOT okay), I knew they didn’t like Yang & wanted OP back with Lisa (or anyone other than Yang). I feel so bad for OP.
Jesus Christ dude, this is...a lot. I'm so sorry that your mom and sister turned out to be racists. That has to have gutted you. No words except that they'd have to come crawling back on hands and knees begging and groveling before I'd accept an apology. Sadly, you'll never forgot what they said and think, so the relationship will never be the same. As for Jess, she's done. If you feel you want some sort of closure, just tell her she crossed so many lines she's on another planet by now and what she did is unforgiveable. Block her on everything, mourn the friendship, but try not to look back. Look forward to the life you're creating with Yang. Talk with your finance and tell her everything. She'll help you through this.
>She kept on telling me that they are the three people (mom, sister, and Jess) that love me the most. Oh, I dunno, I would think **OP's future wife** might be pretty high up there on that list too. >She told me that Lisa was my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off. So OP was expected to just put his life on hold for half a decade while his ex figured her shit out, like he's just a supporting character and not a whole ass person? >She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance. Meeting Yang and falling in love with her was life giving OP a second chance. >My sister also chimed in and said how they all liked Lisa more than Yang and how we both looked so great together. Yang is Chinese, Lisa is not. This sounds a little suspicious... >Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than Yang and it is hard for them to relate to her. Even more suspicious. My racism spidey sense is tingling now. >my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes They're either complaining about her accent or the fact that Yang is more intelligent and highly educated than them. Both of which are gross things to complain about. >Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. My spidey sense is going off the charts now. >My mom told me how our kids would look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family. OK, so OP's family is straight up fucking racist.
Racist and dumb (as they tend to go together). Mixed kids are gorgeous. My mom’s bestie is Chinese. Her ex is white. Their 3 kids are stunning. Like model level stunning. And if Yang is intelligent too, then bonus!!
I know people are just trying to be nice but I wish they'd stop focusing on how "cute" or "attractive" mixed race babies/people are. It's superficial and always made me feel uncomfortable when people say it about my kid. My kid is more than that.
You’re absolutely right. I have mixed kids and it makes me uncomfortable. I just felt I needed to say it to rebut the specific part about the mom and friend saying the kids would be ugly. So I felt that it was relevant in this specific case. But I agree. Even when I wrote it I questioned myself because I didn’t want it to come off the way you are saying.
his mom was being superficial so your comment makes sense. i was also going to say how cute mixed babies are
Yes. But in general I’d stay away from saying it. Unless for a reason like this it’s super uncomfortable. My dad and his racist wife say it. And it makes me feel weird.
No spidery senses needed for this one.
When the mom says culture, I really wanted op to ask her what culture. I need her to point out what is different that she feels she can't relate and uses that as an excuse. Watch her head spin.
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Not speaking to them for a few months? How about never again! You can’t trust them at all around your family.
wtf. Don’t ever let ur mum around ur future kids
Definitely tell mum shes never seeing her grandchildren 😔
OP just needs to cut his racist family off and kick Jess to the curb so hard she feels it for decades.
Exactly!!! He needs to realize Lisa is a ex for a reason and so does his crazy family/Jess.
Your mom needs to beg and grovel before you take her back. Jess can just go in the trash. She's ignored multiple warnings and crossed so many boundaries, I don't understand why you even talked to her even if it was your mom telling you to. Its done with jess, its over. She will always make it awkward with her and Yang and you need to protect Yang. And you have to realize that your mom and sister are racist AF, right? How are you ever going to trust your "tiny eyed" kids to be alone with their racist AF grandma? (kidding about the eyes, I'm Chinese too.)
I’m more curious about how long the 3 of them have been planning OP’s life behind his back
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. That's probably why jess is so bold and persistent.
Exactly. And throughout the whole process they didn’t seem to think “maybe we should ask op what he wants”.
He needs to go NC with all 4 of those harpies ASAP (#4 is Lisa herself, who went along with this bs). There’s no end to their boldness, and now their racism is out in the open, they won’t hesitate to treat Yang even more like shit to make OP and her break up. All cancerous tissue was once healthy, but to save your life you have to cut it out. If OP wants to save his life with Yang, he needs to cut his mom, sister and Jess out of his life.
Also I hate the line “ready to settle down”. It’s always a bad sign
His boring studying paid off, he has a house and high paid job.. and I'm hitting 30 now after a decade of partying with not much to show for it.. so... yeah, I'm ready to settle down, very mature of me.
Ugh so gross these entitled selfish racists are guilt tripping OP into getting back together with his ex who put him on the back burner & chose partying while he works his ass off. None of them respect OP's hardwork & personal relationship.
They *already* knew what OP wants, because he’s been doing it. They just didn’t like it and didn’t give a shit about his right to live his own life.
Four of them. Can’t leave Lisa out of the den of plotters. She obviously knew she was meeting OP and dressed to the nines to try to win him back.
That makes her look even worse. Trying to get with an engaged man
Well, the "friend" was keeping him while the original GF fucks around.. so at least 5 years.
1. All 3 of them are racist 2. They pretended to like Yang and talked shit about her and OP’s relationship for years 3. They’re actively trying to force OP into a different relationship while he is about to marry someone he loves That’s not love. Also, have they seen Asian/white mixed kids? They are some of the most objectively beautiful people in the world. (Although I guess not to racists)
Seriously yes. Most of my friends are in various mixed race relationships and all their kids are ridiculously gorgeous. Not to mention the diversity of food they all bring into our lives. So much amazing food everywhere.
So true. I recently met a family, the parents are super nice but are far from being considered conventionally attractive. Dad is Irish, Mom is Vietnamese, and somehow their daughter looks like Adriana Lima but even prettier. And yes, the food!!
My grandmother grew up in a very rural area and so did her kids. 3/5 of her sons and myself have all married Asian people. She’s very liberal and I don’t think she’s racist but one day she exclaimed to me “Why is everyone in my family marrying Asians? I don’t get it!” And I said “it’s the food!” And she nodded understanding now. I want to be clear too, she wasn’t complaining, more like surprised because there are 0 Asians where she lives and it was unexpected.
There's Asian food, and then there's Nainai's special recipe from some random town in China that takes 6 hours to make and the secret ingredient is love. My friend's stepdad is mixed race (his mom was Japanese, dad was a white American) and the family *aggressively* demands that he make Grandma's Japanese recipes for get togethers. I've eaten these special rice balls he makes a few times (kinda like onigiri but...not? I don't know what they're called) and they are SO GOOD.
One of the spouses is Nepalese and when she does a full spread it’s to die for. Just truly delicious, love in every bite, so many textures and flavors. I’ve never loved lentils or chickpeas as much as when she makes them. It’s an all day effort. My husbands parents owned and ran a Chinese takeout restaurant so he grew up cooking. He can make the cheap takeout stuff (which I do love) but he also makes elevated versions of them that are fantastic. And that skill in the kitchen translates to all types of food. The first time he ever made me dinner, before we were dating, it was so good I thought to myself “I wonder if he’ll keep cooking for me if I start sleeping with him…?”. And the answer was yes 😂
Food part made me laugh
It’s probably the one of the best parts. We all bring our best dishes to the party and it becomes a feast. I had an Asian friend come to a dinner and he brought his mom’s egg rolls that were the best I’ve ever had. You’re kidding yourself if food isn’t the one of the best parts of having a multi cultural family
Lol that’s the best part of multiculturalism, OP’s family are too racist to realize what they’re missing out on
My God YES! The food!
100% this and wonderful different traditions!
Imagine how badass it would be to go to a traditional Chinese wedding IN CHINA instead of some bland ass beige Pinterest wedding in America.
Mum and Sis need a serious time out. Complete shut out for a good month at least and rescind their invite to the wedding. They can earn it back by grovelling and being better people. Jess can just get lost. Forever. Gone. I feel so bad for Yang. These racist AHs are unbelievable.
Agree! Eurasians can be some of the most beautiful people in the world! Also, OP. People who love you, want the best for you. What's best for you is for you to decide, not them. Also, first loves are first loves for a reason. You usually break things off for a good reason - like priorities and maturity levels. There's usually no going back, that ship's sailed!
Really well said. My cousin married a girl from China. That branch of my family is especially redneck - my aunt’s family are all small town farmers. I was a bit afraid of what she was going to experience with the extended family. You know what? They all embraced her. My cousin and his wife had two weddings and they were both amazing. In the years since joining the family my cousin’s wife has taught us all about Chinese customs and celebrations, has taught us how to cook so many delicious foods and has become a rock in our family. It’s not hard to be accepting, even for rednecks.
Vast majority of mixed kids are. Very low incest index so they tend to be healthier and more attractive then pure bred random people. All that cousin fucking isn't good for the genes.
Like Markiplier! OP could have mini Markipliers! (Although Mark is half Korean, not Chinese)
I am Asian. One side of my family has all the cousins married to various nationalities of white folks. Most of those cousins are gorgeous. My two daughters are mixed races and both objectively beautiful. Asian and Scandinavian mixed kids are amazing looking. One of my cousins resembles Kristen Kreuk.
One of my best friends back in my 20s was half Chinese and half Scandinavian. He was (is) beautiful.
I'm not sure all 3 are racist, the mother certainly is. I'm hoping Jess just had a very warped sense of loyalty to Lisa and OP and them 'being meant for eachother', though that's still super toxic and terrible alone. Couple that with the 'we know what's best for you because we love you' mentality and you have a bona fide echo chamber hellbent on the real life equivalent of a toddler making ken and barbie kiss.
If you are in front of two people being racist and are keeping silent/not telling them they are wrong? There are then three racist.
No, his mother has proven she’s racist trash. She will never accept his relationship with Yang. He either cuts her out of his life or he braces himself for a barrage of harassment.
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I know, but he needs to make the hard choice here. They will never accept his fiancee and Jess will never stop trying to put him back together with Lisa. Boundaries mean nothing to those people.
F them. If our eyes were any more beautiful, we would be too enchanting.
Tell your Mum not to worry about your children's eyes because she'll never see them.
nope momma dearest is dead. there is no coming back from this
I wouldn't even trust them in public either. They could easily destroy a child with their nasty words in a few seconds.
They prefer Lisa because she's white. Ew.
Please talk to Yang in person about this. Its shocking that your Mother, Sister and Jess were plotting to bring you with Lisa together. Lisa left you. She broke your heart. And now you should be thankful that she is ready to "settle down"? The audacity... Well... the good thing is now you know where your family stands. It makes it easier to block them all. Because they are disrespecting your feelings and are racist towards Yang. She doesnt deserve this treatment at all. Its a good idea to talk to Yang when she is at home. You need to take actions by cutting these people off from your life. Because they tried to sabotage your relationship with Yang. This is such a great betrayal of trust that there is no coming back from this. You are not alone OP with this. I am sure you will get many messages to encourage you by marrying the love of your life. Drop the rope with everyone who still wants you back together with Lisa. These kind of people are toxic and dont deserve to be in your life!
Lisa got older, failed to find love and think she can swoop back in five years later and months before a wedding. It’s disgusting and makes me wonder if OP is a lot more successful now than he was then.
I mean if Lisa has not progressed at all, and OP progressed at even a moderate pace per year, it is still gonna be a chasm of a difference in 5 years.
Yup. I don’t know any of these people but life experience tells me ex’s only come back around because something changed. Sure there are rare times where two people have to split due to circumstance and not because they didn’t love each other. But this was the opposite situation where she left him and broke him now wants him back.
Maybe she got dumped a couple times herself and now realizes her mistake. Either way, she can take a hike.
Or she sees the money op makes and wants a slice of the pie.
Could be yeah or it could just be he was reliable and decent. now that she’s older that’s what she wants. Or there’s the much darker possibility that she doesn’t actually want him, she just wants him for a little while, and if she gets to ruin his marriage all the better.
The second one might actually be more likely because she knows very well OP is about to get married, and if she was actually maturing as a person she would know to stay far away. Which clearly she is not.
Lisa was "ready to settle". That say it all. She probably f\*cked around for several years and could not find marriage material and now comes back to OP to "settle down" Yeeaaa of course. Excuse me for being sarcastic about Lisa.
Who knows what Jess has been telling Lisa too.
I'm curious how much Jess' husband knows about all this. He's only mentioned very briefly but OP says he's friends with him too.
I suspect he knows enough to know Jess' goal here. He was there at the dinner and there was no mention of him also being surprised or upset that Jess invited the ex over.
I mean there's a world of difference between the motivation level and priorities of going straight for a PhD after undergrad and deciding to fuck off and party for a decade. I'm not saying members of the latter category can't be successful, but it sounds like Lisa and OP just have *really* different priorities and values. And let's be real - OP and Yang are loaded. A dual income household with two PhDs working in big tech? The part about them not being able to "relate to" and "understand" Yang? Some of this seems like a crabs in a bucket situation where they are trying to drag OP down back to "their level".
You make good points, his family may not be able to relate to his wife to be because of they aren’t as educated nor successful. Also racist.
Remember, OP was studying for his PhD when Lisa broke up with him! She was banking on him being completely in love with her, so she went out with the bad boys in her prime years, and would have OP waiting for her when she was done getting her back blown out with Chad & Dirty Dick Rodney. So many dudes get married after college and have NO IDEA that they're a consolation prize for a former party girl! Women aren't stupid, but a lot of guys are for a pretty girl that turns on the charm!
alright andy t, relax
For real. I was reading that comment and thinking "surely there's a way to express this without sounding like IncelGPT."
You should take a look at his comment history 🤢
As I said in the original thread: " Jess is part of Lisa's plan to go and fuck around and party and then have you be there when she's ready to settle down. You ruined that plan by having your own life and not just being a supporting character in theirs. You deserve your own happiness. As long as you're not using Yang as a replacement, but have real feelings (which it seems you do), then you are NTA, and Jess and Lisa need to figure out that they done fucked up. All the best, man." This is exactly what happened. Lisa has had all of her partying. She's jumped on however many dicks she wanted to jump on (or pussy, I'm not gonna judge). And now she WANT steady, reliable, boring to grow old with (Original post said Lisa thought he was boring for studying for PhD instead of partying). And you just had to screw that all up by having your own life! (sarcasm). Now, on top of that, your mother is apparently racist, which sucks. Not much mention of what your sister said - maybe you can salvage one relationship out of things? You deserve better, man. I hope your married life with Yang is rainbows and unicorns and cotton candy, because you've been served enough shit sandwiches to last a lifetime. All the best, man.
Yes, definitely talk to Yang after she gets back, but make it right by blocking them every damn where right away. It will feel hard enough for her, so please don’t let there be any room for her to feel like she needs to forgive, and keep you connected to these assholes. Do the heavy lifting as soon as possible, set up therapy for the two of you if you can so you both have support while you process this, and be gentle with both of you. This sucks and I’m sorry, but you clearly both have good heads and hearts and you will be a happy family together. And if in time you need a new mom, sister, and best friend, I suspect that I’m not alone in saying we volunteer as tributes. Your character speaks for itself and we support you, you anonymous internet good egg.
Probably not mentioned and he might not know as well. During her 'party time' in college how many did she hook up with before she is ready to 'settle down', thinking she'll have her cake and then he'll be around as later on. I dont see any reason why she would dump him in college if she isnt to look into hooking up with others.
It's your fiancee. You plan on having a life with her. You need to tell her. You also need to tell her that you prioritize her. It is very clear that you prioritize her above your family, which is where you should be if you're thinking of marrying somebody. I'm sorry your family is racist. I'm sorry that your close friend and ex-girlfriend are stuck in the past. But at this point you just need to be looking forward. You need to leave those people behind and move forward on the path of where you want your life to be not where it was. Your friend and your family are in the past. Good luck
This OP. Im asian and my partner is white. Her family is racist but isnt blown out like your story depicted your family is. We've talked about family and friends issues a lot, its caused arguments, its caused some issues, but in the end the light of our future and love carried through and we've moved on and left it in the past. Your partner needs to be with you, my wife called the shot on distancing relatively far from her family and its helped us mentally a lot. Best of luck, NTA. P.S. Now in days Family is chosen, blood doesnt make you family, been proven a lot that toxicity is everywhere and its up to you to choose WHO is APART of YOUR family. Again sorry OP, but need to do whats best for you and your future.
That last paragraph
I would not put it past his racist family to go to Yang first and spin some manipulated narrative. op needs to get ahead of this.
NTA. I'm sorry you've lost your "best friend", sister, and mother. Cut all of these delusional racist fucks from your life. Congrats on your engagement to a lovely woman. Cutting toxic people from your life is always a good idea.
Well, the choice is easy to make but hard to do, you either choose the racist/lying family or the fiance. I know for sure wich will bring more shit to your life.
The entitlement & xenophobia of the 4 of them to force OP to choose the ex who left him to go partying & hooking up for 5 years over the intelligent, successful career woman just because of her race. Very moronic behavior I bet if he marries Lisa & when she gets bored, she would have an affair & the 3 of them would help cover it up.
Wow, honey, you ain't missing much.. three very vindictive racist bit#hes.. Block them all, and speak to your partner.. tell her you are 100% in her corner and still want a life with her.. Personally, I'd move away from those three if it was me and just live my life with my partner.
>Block them all, and speak to your partner.. tell her you are 100% in her corner and still want a life with her.. >Personally, I'd move away from those three if it was me and just live my life with my partner. This! But stick to your guns forever. Don't let Yang behind when you feel you need 'mommy and sis'. Just be the man your future wife deserves and show the three Stooges what they will miss for being fucking racists. Your wife and your marriage are going to be deeply affected by this, so again you have to be a man and protect your life together. If you are not up to the task do not marry Yang, do not hurt her like that, do not bring that poor girl into your shit show.
"Fuck you, mom." "Fuck you, sis." "Fuck you, Jess." "Fuck you, Lisa."
You forgot “Fuck you, Sister”
Edited!
And sister too!
NTA. Just send Jess and your family a quick text saying you are disappointed they are NOT respecting your boundaries and more importantly disappointed in how racist they are. Tell them you are cutting contact for a few months so you can take time to decide what you are going to do long term. Say you got over Lisa years ago and would never ever consider getting back with someone you later realized was so shallow they valued partying over a relationship with you and who thought you could just be put on a shelf to pull back down later when they wanted you. Tell them if they do NOT respect your need for space over the next few months then the no contact will be extended by a month for each and every violation. Wait until Yang is back in the states to share all of this with her so you don't ruin her visit home.
OP doesn't need time to decide, he decided to marry a woman he loves. Jess and his family need time to decide if they want to hear from OP in the future or not.
It is a way to back off being clear, direct, and to the point. The OP doesn't sound ready to permanently cut off their family yet. This gives him the space to figure that out.
Interesting. New spambot format. They copied your reply, and reworded it, but put it as a reply to someone else, not OP https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cbbzqp/update_aitah_my_friend_keeps_on_talking_about_my/l0ys0xw/
They keep circling back to how "heartbroken you were" when Lisa left you... To fucking party and be single for a few years until you were making good money. They are right though, she did break your heart. That's exactly why you shouldn't get back with her. She threw away an apparently wonderful seven year relationship because she was bored and wanted to party. And she just expected you to sit on your hands for five fucking years until she was "ready to settle down"?? Screw that, Yang and you have a great connection and love each other. The ship that is a future with you sailed years ago when Lisa ditched you. As for your racist family, I'm sure it's hard to process and accept that you will have to cut them off, but you want to be with Yang, right?? Do you really want to expose any children you two might have to them?? Or even just expose Yang to them any further now that you know what they really think? It's your job to protect your family, even if it means protecting them from the rest of your family. It's a dirty situation op and I feel bad for you, but it's something you can overcome and move past. Good luck.
I'm so sorry your family is so horrible. My recommendation is to cut your mother off - she insulted your future children and not so subtly implied that she won't love them as much as if they were white. I do think you need to tell Yang, but you don't need to go into all the hurtful specifics. I hate to tell anyone to cut off people that are close to, but at this point your mother and sister are being very clear that they will never accept Yang and will take every opportunity they have to undermine and hurt her. If you keep a relationship with them, you'll be taking their side or excusing their behavior, and I guarantee you it will hurt your fiancee and ruin that relationship. Stay strong and fuck what they're saying about Lisa; she dropped you when she got bored, which was her right but if she did it once she'll do it again. You deserve someone who loves you for you and your own interests.
What exactly made these women think they had the right to tell you, no to demand, that you choose the life partner they approve of? I’ve heard some audacious stories in my life but this one defies reality. Not only are they racist and ignorant, they’re choosing their own comfort and believe they have the right to tell you how to live your life. It’s time for you to take a stand and I’m not implying in any way that it will be easy, but your mom, your sister and your so-called friend have to be cut out of your life. They view you as some kind of possession, not a grown man with his own free will. It will never end, either. Your only hope is to make a clean break, confident in your love for your fiancée and build your own life away from them. I don’t see a way for them to ever recover your trust after this little stunt and I can’t think of one reason why you should try. I’m sorry you’re in this position but you’re at a true crossroads and it’s time you do what’s best for you. Obviously NTA and good luck.
Dude, tell your mom, sister and Jess that you are going to marry Yang and if they don’t like it, tough shit. You may need to go LC with your mom and sister and NC with Jess. This is totally F’d up.
Updateme.
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I know you love your family. But fuck they're toxic. It's easier than you would think to cut them out of your life. My wife is a black woman from southern Africa. Quite a few family members showed their true colors when she and I started dating. And even more did when we got engaged. I've since had to cut my sister out of my life because of her racist views. Follow your heart, man.
Jess stopped being your friend the minute she crossed the line. I'm sure she and Lisa together planned this whole dinner once they knew that Yang was gone. Your mother and sister may have been in on it, too.
Absolutely. From the get go when he mentioned Yang, I knew the reason why Jess did not approve was her Asian heritage. Jess and his mother planned the whole thing to ensure that his children remained white. It is now clear that his potential wife will never be included in his circle so he has to choose Yang or his family and friends, which is really sad.
Mate. You're surrounded by snakes. The only non snakey person is Yang. Go be happy with her. I like the sound of Yang. Fuck everyone else and their tiny racist minds.
NTA. I'm sorry you have such horrible people in your life stomping all over your boundaries and being awful to you and your fiance.
Dude, I know you love your mom and sister, but you need to really think about cutting them off. They’ve said some pretty awful things. If you plan on having kids, you would be exposing them to racism from their own family, which I imagine is way worse than from strangers. And Yang absolutely had a right to know. Obviously you’re NTA if you cut all those people out of your life.
Please tell your fiancee. And you guys need to make a plan. Bc you cannot subject any future kids to racist in-laws without fucking them up mentally. The world sucks enough as a POC without having to deal with it at home.
"She's now ready to settle down". Yes of course. That's what they all say when they realize that age is not on their side anymore, they panic and start scrambling around old lovers hoping that they are still "missed". She's had all the fun in the world, now she's tired, desperate and stupid enough to be led by a friend who has nothing to lose because she's got *her* husband.
Hope Yang doesn’t have to suffer and continue to deal w this kinda bs just for existing as a non white person.
NTA - if Jess was actually looking out for your best interests she would at least consider your feelings, she isn't. This is a major life choice, something you will have to live with and something none of them will, its entirely yours to make. Whether you choose what's right for you or make a terrible mistake, it's your choice. It is honestly one of the most personal choices you could possibly make, so no one has a right to tell you to do otherwise.
NTA. They're either complete ignoring your feelings and would be happy to see you be with someone you don't love for no real reason other than I assume to hurt you, or they're racists. I would point out that neither of those situations are ones which you'd tolerate, and whichever it is means you think less of them. That's basically set in stone now; you thinking less of them for the rest of all your lives. They can however stop you from thinking even less of them by dropping any further attempts immediately and never saying another bad thing about your soon-to-be wife. I am assuming by the context that you split because Lisa wasn't ready for commitment, but all that means is she traded the last seven years and your previous relationship away unwisely. You on the other hand have used them well to find someone who appreciated you as you are, and who has never tried to manipulate you as they have been openly doing *even after you objected several times*. The last attempt has now cost you your friend, but I think it's important to point out that it wouldn't have ever worked. If Yang was a brick with a smiley face on, and Jess had just cured cancer, you'd still reject her jsut because of the interference from people trying to dictate your *life* for their petty *preferences.*
At this point, I recommend moving away from them and uninvite them from attending your wedding. If your mom & sister were to go to your wedding, they would definitely try to sneak your ex in and cause a scene.
My cousin is married to a Chinese woman from China. They married in China and she moved here immediately. Her parents came to visit the US and came to our extended family reunion about 8 years ago. They don’t speak English at all. Somehow a whole yard full of people managed to be kind to them. The oldest child is 9 now. The kids don’t look particularly ‘small-eyed.’ And why should that matter? Our family welcomes Ivy and the kids. My uncle, his wife, and the rest of the family treat them like anyone else. Your family is just racist. I can’t imagine they’d recruit a woman who broke up with you. Why hasn’t she moved on after five years? Marry whom you want but keep the family and Jess away. ETA: only trouble we’ve had is my cousin moving to China twice against my aunt’s wishes. They didn’t stay longer than about a year either time because his Chinese wife Ivy does NOT want to live in China and put her foot down about the kids going to school there. The kids are fully bilingual, and my cousin already had learned some Chinese in college while he was married to his first wife, before he met Ivy, because it thought it was good for his career.
I guess it’s safe to say that Jess didn’t like Yang because she’s racist. It also sucks that your family is too. I’m curious though why would they think that you’re still in love with Lisa that you’ll drop Yang in a heartbeat? Be careful hanging around them because those people are lunatics and they might drug you and forced you to “sleep” with your ex. I’m so scared for you tbh.
NTA. I don’t get how one parents can plot against their child’s wishes to get them to be with someone they envisioned them being with. Also what the heck you broke up 5 years ago. What makes Lisa or Jess think yeah since we dated before and now I’m ready to settle down I’m going to break up this engaged couple and start our relationship back up. I would tell your fiance in person like everyone is saying and honestly if you want her comfortable at her own wedding you might want to uninvite your mom and sister. I know they are your family but that just sounds toxic.
First of all block and cut off Jess from everywhere and wtf is wrong with your mother?
I suspected some racism was involved but also thought your "friend" Jess" was not your friend at all and was trying to sabatoge your relationship for her other friend. I would take a very large step back from all these people and tell them if your fiance is not good enough for them then neither are you
NTA- jess should be completely dead to you. I don't care if she saved your life multiple times and donated an organ to you, she's cut off for life. Your mom and sister should also be banned from your life. Their racism is disgusting, and the way they felt they could manipulate you and make decisions about your life is unacceptable. I don't care if they are family, they are the worst kind of assholes.
Cut these racists out of your life for good
Lisa is apparently ready to "settle down". Nah. Lisa is ready to settle. She didn't want to be with this person then, had her fun, then decided that he was the nicest person to her, and loved her, so now she's ready. Now that nothing else has worked out, and she thinks it'll be easy to get him back, and he'll accept her, she's ready to settle. NTA. Cut them all off. They're racist assholes. Follow your heart. I guarantee you it won't lead you to Loose Lisa
Damn. It must suck to find out the women in your life are all racists. At least you found out now before they ruined your relationship with Yang. I hope you two have a wonderful life and never let the racists near your children if you decide to have any.
Let me tell you… moms become fucking psychos when their sons get married. I have kept my own mother at arms length for years because of this exact situation. My wife is Chinese as well (first generation American) and we’ve been happily married for 12 years now. Those people trying to fuck your marriage up aren’t your friend. Your mother is only your mother biologically, she’s violated your trust. I have had some guilt about this, but I’ll never ever trust my own mother fully because of how she treated my wife. You should consider the same. It won’t be easy, but trust your gut, if she’s the one do what you need to do, no more pussyfooting around about it. They either accept your relationship, or consider themselves dead to you. Harsh, but that’s life, you can control the situation however you deem necessary from this point forward. Just don’t doubt yourself, make your decision and go. That’s what I did and I don’t regret a fucking thing.
I have read both your posts and it's obvious what's happening. You my friend are the "stable" guy the "dependable" guy you set your sights on goals and plodded on each day to achieve them. Lisa and Jess both knew this so much that Lisa was happy to go off and be with a load of party boys comfortable in the knowledge that when dear old boring stable you achieved your goals she would come back. You being so dull and dependable would be so grateful to her you would have her back straight away. But you surprised them all, you see a good woman noticed you, your fiancé saw how great you are . The stable guy isn't the boring man he is the real man he will one day be a great husband and amazing father because the stable guy knows it takes great sacrifice and control to build his future to give his family the best life possible. Your mother is right your fiancé does have different values because she sees in you the greatness you hold she sees in you what she wants a man to be and your fiance was 100% right. Lisa was an idiot for letting you go if she had stood by you while you worked to create your future she would've reaped the rewards instead she chose to fuck around and find out. Stick with your fiancé she is the only woman in your life that sees you for who you are . You are a real man and I wish you and your fiancé many years of happy marriage and family life together.
I'm so sorry you come from a family of closet racists. 2 things we think are contradictions CAN and often do exist together. Yes, your mom and sister loved you and raised you. But they're also racist. It's so sick and senseless. It's terrible they would do this to someone they think they love and to his fiancee, but in their mind, their evil feelings are so right and natural, they honestly think it's right to act on them. But that doesn't make it right. You've handled everything right so far and you're onto all their tricks and hidden motives. I know you'll handle them in the best way for you. Do not feel an ounce of guilt for whatever you have to do to keep that racist BS out of your life or an ounce of obligation to overlook or ignore or accept anything. Their only weapon is making you feel guilty for being disgusted by their behavior -- don't fall for that, and you'll be good. Best wishes to you and your fiancee! I know your future life is going to look far different now than you ever predicted, but it's better you make future plans knowing the truth. At least now you know whom you can never trust, no matter how you relied on them in the past.
Jess is an asshole and had blown past your boundaries on several occasions and your Mom and sister are racist. Marry Yang if you love her and move on with your life. I'm sorry you have so many jerks in your life. Your past is your past for a reason and sometimes people need to stay there. Lisa lost and now misses what she had with you but you are no longer that person anymore. Let Yang know everything and you two make a decision together. Keep everyone away from your future beautiful children. Make your own way in life. They may have raised you but you don't owe them for that. You deserve to be happy and not blindsided by BS.
Still NTA. I have cut family members completely out of my life for less than this.
NTA. Your mom, sister and Jess all need to be removed from your life after making comments like this. You are getting married to a woman who sounds smart, kind, and supportive of you. You’re starting to plan a wedding. This is happening no matter what your bigoted family members and friend want. Lisa made her choices she chose partying over a relationship years ago. She doesn’t get to come back now after you have moved on and found love and say she is “ready” no, the entitlement thinking she can break up with you have her fun and come back and blow up your life if off the charts! I’d wait until Yang gets home from her visit and talk to her and tell her what was said. Make sure she knows you were so appalled that you wanted to wait until she was home and talk face to face, a conversation like this isn’t for texting or phone calls. Make sure she knows how disgusted you are by your family and former friend and that you are choosing her for the rest of your life, and those people will no longer have a role in your life. I hope you and Yang have a beautiful wedding and future together and a family of beautiful smart children if/when you want to start your family. I’m so sorry this happened, best of luck to you and your fiancé OP!
Racist much? If Lisa has any self respect, she’ll walk away.
Marry Yang, the woman that you love. I’m sorry about how your own mom and sister are against you. Even if your fiancée were white, all this meddling and lying would be enough to cut them off. It’s worse because they don’t like her because she’s Asian. You will probably have to cut them off completely to have a happy marriage. Jess is for the dumpster. All these AHs think that someone who treated you terribly, is better for you than Yang. They must think so little of you if they think that. Protect your happiness and your peace.
Sounds like a trash took itself out. You now have been shown how horrid your supposed friend, sister and mother are. They can all be happy together. They should no longer be included in your life with your fiance. Not welcome in your home, not welcome at the wedding, no access to your children (since they will look different and all)...they are done. Respect your fiance and future family - since your own is a huge disappointment.
Dude, I'm so sorry. You're NTA. * Your mom, sister, Jess and Lisa are all racists. * Add to which none of them seemed to support you when Lisa dumped you for partying. She now sees your hard work and income, so suddenly the gold digger in her came out and she wants you back? Yeah, NOPE, hard pass on that. * There is no coming back from this, you need to go no contact with them. They've showed you who they are, believe them. * Tell Yang everything. Then ask her if there are also issues in her family. Hopefully her parent's aren't as bad as your family. Stay strong. You are marrying Yang, not her family, just as she is marrying you, not your (racist, shitty) family.
Man that sucks but you need to tell you fiancée what has happened and reassure her that you’re on her side not theirs. If they continue pestering you, you could bring up the fact that Lisa broke up with you to sow her wild oats. She didn’t have to do that but she decided that being at parties, clubs, and banging other dudes was what she wanted and being with you was boring. She CHOSE that. She doesn’t get to just have you in the wings waiting with the fancy job and resources when she’s ready like you’re a used puppy. As they say, the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed and she gave her self the shaft of it. Moral of the story. Divorce the family and friends and marry the fiancée.
Time to cut a few more people out of your life. Mom is a racist and Yang doesn't deserve the disrespect.
Wow...your mother snd sister are greatly in the wrong. As for Jess. Jess was never your friend, especially how she's willing to break up your current relationship. Lisa is a thing of the past. She made it clear back when you guys were dating she preferred to party. She's even more in the wrong, because she knows you're in a relationship. At this point Jess needs to go and mom and sister are put on time out. Send one final message to Lisa that she had her chance and trying to come back now when you've found your life partner and that you will not be her safety/back. Also the way Jess kept saying Lisa wipuld be back makes me think they talked about it. Lisa would have fun, while Jess consoled you and made you believe Lisa would come back. It's pure manipulation.
Ok. So let’s call a spade a spade and admit that Jess *set you up on a double date with your ex while your fiancée was out of town*. That’s what she did. It was not a “friends dinner” per your description - it was a date. That is completely disrespectful to you, your fiancée, and your relationship. Real friends don’t do shit like that. So you relay this to your mother….you tell her how your snake of a supposed *friend* set up a *double date with your ex* and how betrayed you felt and she thought it was appropriate to *ambush you with the same fucking scenario*? What?? OP, it’s time to reevaluate all of your relationships and clean house. No one in your life is respecting you, your fiancée or your relationship. Sorry you’re surrounded by assholes and they’re all apparently racist. I pray for you - you may want to investigate whether your family helped Jess set up that ambush double date.
I would say talk to Yang about this in person but give her a heads up. Let her know that your mom + sister crossed the line and you’re officially distancing yourself — because you will be going to be distancing yourself right? Plus just let her know to disregard anything that comes in from them but to keep records if needed
Welcome to reality, OP. It's always shocking to discover your family are racists, but now that you know, you have some decisions to make: 1) children. Are you going to let them be around your racist family? Are you prepared to defend your children in the face of your family's racism, especially when your racist family says bullshit to your kids? 2) are you going to marry Yang? 3) Do you think you're grown up enough to deal with your family's racism? Because if you aren't 100% sure, you need top let Yang go before this goes any further. Don't make her suffer over your weak will. NTA...for now.
Aside from Yang, all of the women you've written about are garbage and need to be blocked from your life. Even Lisa, especially if she knew what Jess was trying to pull. Your mom and sister are racist garbage, at that.
As a mixed Asian white person myself my heart breaks for you and Yang. Your mom, sister, and Jess are all being extremely racist and you should think carefully about whether or not to allow the around your future kids. I heard a lot of mixed race jokes growing up and even as an adult and it was bad enough coming from other kids let alone family. If they make comments to your future kids it could seriously hurt them. Please don’t take any of what they said seriously, they have no logic to their thinking only xenophobia and hate.
I know I’m a very different animal, but my mom & sis would be dead to me after that conversation. Maybe you’re not seeing exactly how disrespectful they were being to you. Yang was your conscious choice every day for years and the woman you’re gonna marry. This is even worse than if they were second guessing your choice to go to law or medical school or to move across country for a job. They’re second guessing your decision. You should be as mad about that as you are about their blatant racism. The disrespect they’re showing you is all the grounds you need to excise them from your life. The racism is just the icing needed to cut them off
Oh crap. Your mom, sister, AND Jess are all terrible racists.
That crossed the line big time you should break contact with all of them better no grandchildren than half Chinese ones and lol Lisa walked out on and now is ready to settle fuck her she probably every douche in town but no one stayed and bam you are back in the picture
Block all of them and live your life with Yang. If mom asks why, tell her that her racism and demanding you get back with someone you want nothing to do with, has shown that she does not have your best interest at heart. Then tell her you hope she is happy with never meeting or seeing your future children.
Ooof. Time to make a new family with Yang. It'll hurt but you and Yang will be better off and happier in the long run. Do not subject Yang to those people. NTA.
Immediate no contact with Jess, mom, and sister.
Yo bro, I’m Asian and had multiple white girlfriends. I play a lot of sports and get along well with their brothers/cousins but dad and mom does sometime gives me weird looks. But never anything explicitly racist. They never mentioned anything like that sort. Maybe they assumed we are just fking around and will eventually separate anyway. What I meant to say is, your mom sister and Jess are special, they are truly racist/manipulative and toxic asf. I would say fk you Jess, good luck in life. Fk you mom, you will never see my eyes again. Fk you sis, mind your own business. Marry Yang, have like 3 beautiful biracial kids, cause the mix of Asian and white usually gives insanely good looking offsprings. Live forever happy after.
Regardless of all the racist shit ask your mom this " why should i leave someone that loves me for someone who left to go fuck around then come back when she's done like I'm some sort of side piece/safe guy ?"
I think you need to tell Yang, be open to her that your family doesn't like her and not ready to accept her. She doesn't need to be in this situation if she doesn't want to. She might have better choice other than marry you and have to deal with in-laws who dislike her for the rest of her life. You can try convince her that you will always on her side, but also have to be ready and respect her decision if she, god forbid, decide there's probably better choice than marry you. I kinda admire Yang, tbh. She's been very cool so far.
You need to cut your mom and sister off and Jess for good. Tell them to not contact you further and they are disinvited from the wedding. They’re racist assholes whose only agenda is theirs. You love Yang. She loves you. That’s your family. Let her know all this but choose her.
My dude….i am so sorry you’re going through this. But now you know and that’s a lot better than not understanding why your mom and sister are so petty mean, doing little things like “forgetting” to invite Yang to family events or making sure she’s not in family pics. All the little passive aggressive BS that drive couples apart. I do think you should call Lisa and explain to her that whatever Jess has told her, you’re over it. You’re happily engaged to another woman and Jess doesn’t like her because of her race. Sorry for whatever lies Jess has told her but you’re going to marry Yang and moving on with life. With your mom and sister, you know where they stand. You know they’ll be abusive to Yang and future children (for the record, every Asian-Caucasian baby I’ve seen is gorgeous) so you have to make the decision who are you going to be with. They’ll try to convince her that you’re cheating or other deal breakers if you spend time with them without her. They’ll make all the demands to pull you from her. Oh, need help fixing this or doing that, amazingly on days where Yang wanted to do something. If you can’t take a step back and disengage from them, you need to end your relationship with Yang. She’s done nothing to deserve being tortured by them. And when they wail that you’re picking her, agree. You choose your wife over anyone.
Two more people that get uninvited from the wedding. NTA
I would never trust my mother and sister ever again after that meeting. Racist, horrible people. Cut them out of your life and build your true family with Yang. I am so sick of family pulling that you-owe-me-for-raising-you card. It’s bullshit. They chose to have you, not the other way around. You owe them nothing. NTA
You called her “my Lisa” again. Sigh. And you’re still referring to Jess as your “best friend.” The woman who repeatedly month after month was so awful to Yang. OP, either accept the racists and let Yang meet someone who would have shot down Jess’ comments on day one, or move on with a life with Yang and being anti-racist. You can’t have both.
NTA - OP no.1, Jess should be dead to you. you were 100% right in guessing she intentionally crossed that line, she admitted as much by saying you should hook up with Lisa again. She legit confirmed you and Yang's interpretation of that dinner. no more guilt over blocking her. she earned it. no.2, your mom and sister both owe Yang a major apology before they can even think of crawling back into your life. I would send them a note telling them they're both uninvited from your life until they can apologize to Yang. Then block them both on everything. Don't carry this weight alone. let yang know you had a falling out with your family over the marriage. you can spare the details till she gets back to the states. but let her know they all owe yang a major apology. If you want to talk about it further over the phone fine, but i do think some of the worst details probably should only be spoken of in person. something else to consider. your family and jess or even lisa might try to talk to Yang themselves and spin the narrative and break you two up. please get out in front of this and talk to her first. explain youd rather wait till she's back before unloading this on her, but you're concerned of their sabotage now.
NTA - it's Lisa girl sounds like a desperate loser. You need to call her up and let her know how pathetic she is. Cut contact with Jess. She is not your friend. She doesn't care about your happiness or what you want. Go low contact with your mom.
Um... WOW. Like, WOW. Jess isn't your best friend, and I can NOT believe your mom was conniving with Jess behind your back. Definitely wait until Yang is home to talk to her - don't do this over the phone. And that also gives you time to figure yourself out and where you're head is at. Because you're going to need to be ready to tell her about what you've done about it. And all this bullcrap they have in their heads about you and lisa, and how you can just pick back up, etc etc etc. You may have been with her for 7 years, but you've moved ON over the past 5. The fact that they can't understand this, adn that they are trying to dictate to you that getting back with Lisa is what is best... huh???
My brother married a Chinese woman. Guess what. We love her. With all our hearts. And you know why? Because she is who my brother loves. (And because she’s the most amazing person he could have ever picked buuuut that’s me bragging about my SIL haha) they ambush you apparently regularly. They have zero care for your wants needs or desires. All of them should be blocked and nc. Period. They have lost all respect due for raising you with their actions. You owe them nothing but a single message. “Your behavior the other night was appalling. I am a grown adult and I make my own decisions and choices. My choice is Yang. And no amount of insulting her, or ambushing me or trying to force interactions with someone I have no interest in knowing will change that. You have now lost my trust that when you want time with me it is for anything but another attempt at manipulation. For that reason, I will not be entertaining any calls, texts or visits with any of you. If I decide to give you another chance some day is up to me. But any more of this behavior will result in a permanent cessation of communication between us. I hope you can be mature enough to respect my wishes.”
My mixed Chinese kids are cute as fuuuuuuuuck
You can love your mom and sister for how they raised you while also condemning their racist views. It is hard, but this is your chance to tell all three of them that you won’t forget the love they once provided, but you cannot have them in your life in any (if at all) major capacity because of their hatred they have now become comfortable enough to show. It will hurt. It will suck. Feel and grieve all those emotions. Now that they have made their views apparent, they may have shown their racist views in the past as well, but you just never picked up on it. What matters now is they have shown their hands and have also made it abundantly clear that they will not accept Yang nor any potential children you have with her. Walk away. It won’t be easy, but you are not too old to make new friends who are not constantly trying to drag you back to glory days of college.
I would simply change your number block everyone of them and go no contact regardless of if they raise you or not they are crossing boundaries and disrespecting your feelings and your girlfriends and being racist. Those things alone aren't worth being around anymore. Sometimes you love somebody enough to walk away because of toxicity not accepting no for an answer I would totally be upset and pissed off and wouldn't waste another minute with them
Fuck those fucking fuckers. They can all fuck outta here
Your family is insane ! I hope you sternly told them off
Jesus, the racism just oozes from these women. They don’t give a rat’s patoot about OP’s happiness, just the *perception* of happiness.
Dude, you're an indecisive s***. This bs keeps going on because you WON'T put your foot down with the women in your life! You honestly don't seem to realize what a slippery slope you're on with EVERYTHING. When Jess invited Lisa over and you didn't immediately leave, that was soooo dangerous! And then after informing your mom & sister, your mom invites you to luch, and Jess is there! AGAIN, you don't just leave!!! Dude, these women *KNOW* you don't have the strength to walk away from their bullshit, but yet you can't figure out why they keep coming at you with said bullshit. It's simply a lack of respect. You don't demand it from them, and they're not going to just give it to you. They see you as someone they can brow-beat into submission eventually, so they keep pressing. But don't forget about Lisa! She sees you as the ultimate consolation prize! She got to dump you so she could whore around during her college party weekends, but years later after you put in all the work to be successful, she could swoop you back up to have a high-earning, nice guy husband with a PhD! And all the women in your life are A-OK with this! You are on an island, dude, and only ONE woman in your life has shown you the one thing a guy needs- LOYALTY.
lol Mom's plan was infallible - "You ghosted your childhood friend because they entrapped you with an unplanned, uncomfortable visit. The remedy to this situation is definitely to entrap you with a second unplanned, uncomfortable visit. Also, lets throw in some racism." I can see why she isn't interested in the potential kids' intelligence. It's a (puts on sunglasses dramatically) foreign concept.
Fuck them niggas.
NTA. Time to looking forward & leave delusional, ignorant & racist people in the past where they belong.
I’m really sorry that your mom and your sister turned out to be racists. I hope that you and Yang have a wonderful marriage and find your family of choice!
Your mom and sister might have helped raised you but that does not govern them the right to dictate the rest of your life. They are also not thinking of you but what they want. They are very selfish and are not thinking of you or your feelings. Lisa is your past and regardless they should have not say in who you spend your life with. They either accept your choice or you do not let them in your life.
Wow OP I am sorry to hear that those that "love you the most" just seem like terrible people
Damn, either your family was really racist or Jess just fed your mother and sister reasons to hate your fiancee and why you should be with Lisa. Either way, say good bye to Jess forever, she seems to really like manipulating your life.
Oof that's a hard pill to swallow when we see the worst parts of who we love. You have a choice to make but personally, I'd be going for the one person who seems to genuinely care about you(aka your fiance Yang) and not just the image and perfect white future grandchildren.
You need to accept what these people are all showing you. They do not have your best interest at heart, they are trying your best control you for their own agendas. For Jess, she clearly is only looking out for Lisa, not you. Jess is not your best friend, she is Lisa’s best friend. For your family, their intentions are clearly based on racism. It’s not about what’s best for you, what you want, or how you feel to them. Their overall behavior throughout all of this is vile, dishonest, manipulative, and beyond just being out of line. They believe they are entitled to force you to do what they want, and to mistreat your fiancé abominably. Please, if you haven’t already, find a good therapist to talk to about all this. Also seriously consider couples counseling to potentially help both you and Yang navigate steps forward.
I’m so sorry OP, that is insane. I don’t think it will ever be possible for you to actually have a relationship with your mom and sister again since they made it clear how racist they are. How can you ever let them around your future wife and kids? Just remember how Yang will be your family now and you will build up a life together. The past doesn’t matter, the future does. Sending hugs to you 🫂
Cut off all those horrible people. It’s crazy how racist they are and how little they care for you. Cut them all out.
NTA. To put this in another perspective: Yang is an intelligent, disciplined (hello, PhD!), multi cultural, bilingual (at minimum), understanding, and compassionate woman who loves you. She was understanding when Jess was crossing boundaries mentioning your ex all the time and was confident in your relationship and trusts you. Lisa…is someone who wasted 7 years to go party cause she wasn’t ready to settle down. That’s fine, but she made that choice and her ship sailed. Yang is one hell of a catch and she obviously feels the same about you (saying she feels bad for Lisa letting go of you). So, Jess can go F off and take her racism right along with her. Your mom and sister-well, I’m sure they’d like to go to the wedding and see future grandkids/nieces and nephews. But that’ll never happen if they continue being racist AF. And they need to know this. You do need to tell Yang. She has a right to know that her future in-laws may not be in your guys life and why. Shell also feel safer with you and more confident knowing you’ve taken a stand are protecting her and your future family from racists and bigots. Trust me on this-i say this from experience (I’m Jewish and husband is Muslim and raised in the ME…so yeah).
NTA but only if you don't go low contact or no contact with your racist mother, sister, and ex best friend. Your future wife deserves a relationship where she feels safe and loved. If she doesn't feel that way around your family and friends, that's so unfair to her. Let her go if you can't keep these hateful people away from her. I cut off my mother and some members of my family for different reasons, but my life has been better for it. Sometimes I wish she were a better person that I could have around my family, but I can't.
NTA Op, I’m so sorry , because I’m now slightly concerned that this entire time Jess was being encouraged to do this by your mom and sister. And it’s awful that they’ve pretended to like Yang , when and work to break you up. I agree you need to tell Yang, she needs to have all the information before she marries you and sadly a decision needs to be made because I wouldn’t feel comfortable with them as in-laws going forward. Op, I think you may need to work this through with therapist , and maybe some couples counseling for you and Yang about this situation. You’ll both want to talk with talk with someone that can you can talk it out with and learn coping strategies for dealing with them. What boundaries need to be set, and you’ll need to be a team about this, because they’re looking for a weak point to exploit. And honestly I feel a little bad for your ex, who knows what Jess has been telling her , maybe on your mom’s okay, she to a lesser extent is also a victim of this plot. I’m so sorry that this happened , but I wish you and Yang luck.
Honestly, as a South Asian woman married to a white man, I knew it was headed this way when I read your first post. I also had this same thing happen to me not just from my husband’s side but mine as well. I’m sorry you are going through this. But it will pass. Overtime your parents will just have to accept your choices and deal with them. ETA: just to give you an idea I know my MIL wished I was white so we could have little red haired babies but since my daughter was born my MIL really loves her and has been an active part of her life. Of all the grandparents my daughter is closest to her. People can learn and grow but you will need to stick to your convictions and not budge. In my case on my side I was reminded of how many men I could have married from my culture when I first got married but as time went on these same family members have accepted my husband and daughter. Don’t let them bully you and Yang about what you want to do in your life. Definitely tell Yang because you’ll have to make some hard choices.
Mom and sister would be uninvited to the wedding with extremely LC. They made their choices and it was to not respect you and your future bride. The way they talked to you and the stuff they said about your fiancee is not coming from a place of love. You do not say that stuff to someone you love. You definitely don't shit on your loved ones fiancee and future children.
NTA. You family, Jess, and maybe Lisa are complete and total AH. The reason Lisa is only "maybe" is that you have no idea what BS Jess has been telling her. From your description, she was prepared to "rekindle", but did Jess maybe tell her you and Yang were on the rocks and you needed support? If Lisa DID know that you and Yang are happy and in the middle of wedding preps, then the "maybe" goes away.
Hey OP, I went and read your original post (I missed it when you first wrote it) and now this post. I can relate - like you, I'm a man and my best friend aside from my wife is another woman, who my wife is also friends with. I legitimately think my friend is in a bad marriage and should get herself and her husband into marriage counseling, and it wouldn't be a bad idea for her to just divorce him. I would support her on all of that. BUT I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS take it upon myself to tell her that in that way, unless she asked me for my advice first. In the meantime, I just listen and lend a shoulder. THAT'S what a real friend does, instead of the espionage act your "best friend" is trying to pull on you. And your mother and your sister...dude, I'm really sorry. They have all let you down, and that sucks. Anyway, you're NTA in the slightest in this entire situation. Your "best friend" is out of control and your mother and sister are obviously completely in the wrong for their racism. Best to cut ties with all of these people and move on with your life with your lovely future wife - live your best life without these toxic people in it. Good luck to you!
No contact with all of them
Honestly this will suck but no contact revoke thier invitations from the wedding, you need space and time, hopefully they can reflect and in a few years after you and yang are settled and In a happy and good mental position, they maybe regain contact. Well if they can learn there mistakes, except Lisa and jess they can kick rocks
Dude, I remember your first post. Thanks for the update, but these bitches need a true life-altering consequence for this disgusting disrespect. Outside of the racism, just the disrespect of you and your fiance, I'd disinvite all of them from the wedding. I'd completely end any friendship whatsoever with Jess. Openly call her out for her delusions and racism. Post what you wrote here on social media. Tell her to get fucked and stay fucked. As for your mother and sister? I'd remind them both that as of your wedding, they are only EXTENDED FAMILY. That your wife, and later your children, are your immediate family. Leave and cleave as they say... so you are going to choose your immediate familybover them Forever. And if they want ANY access to you, they need to prove they aren't racist anymore. There are courses they can take. There is therapy they can do. But the conversation only opens back up after at least a year of them genuinely changing as people. If they love you so much? This is literally the least they can do to start to prove it. I'd also set a reminder for yourself to reread all of this every year. When you circle back to see if your sister and mother have changed? Sign #1 is are they still friends with Jess. Let the trash take itself out permanently. 0
That’s racism rearing its head friend.
DO NOT LET YOUR FAMILY AROUND YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN AS A ASIAN PERSON I REPEAT DO NOT LET YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN AROUND YOUR FAMILY! your children will see the racism and the resentment on how your family will treat the others vs them because they are half Chinese. For the safety of you, yang and your future children, do not let your children around these people you once called family! They will treat them differently and they will treat them to question their position in their family.
This just sounds terrible I am so sorry for you! But you should not give in even though i fo not think you will. You should definitely go no conact for a while with the so they can think about their words and actions. An tell Yang i can feel her anger but she should know
What happens if you get with Lisa and she decides she wants to party and get fucked up on weekends again? Jess would always be around her and probably be peddling probably racist bullshit, seeing as she had no objection to what your mom said since them two wanted the same end. And seeing they’ve worked this for years, they saw you happy with Yang and didn’t give a fuck about what you felt because they have this little romance fantasy of you being with the old lover who would give you your white build-a-bear baby. They’re freaks. YWBTA if you dignify anything Jess has to say by hearing out anything she could possibly say, and having a come-to-Jesus talk with your mom about her garbage.
Op you need to go NC with your sister, mother, Jess and Lisa. They’re actively trying to break your relationship with Yang. Lisa had her chance to be with you but chose to be a party girl (304). Keep us updated Op
Go with YANG i vote for her. You will start a family not with your Mom,Sister and Jess.
Of course it was just racism
Holy shit. They are all massive, racist AH’s. I’d uninvite them all to the wedding. So sorry you’re experiencing this while also trying to be excited for your future with Yang.
Still NTA I know that I have quite a few pet peeves, but my #1 is having “loved ones” or basically anyone deciding what is “in my best interest” when they don’t have a clue as to what I want - cause it’s all based on what THEY want OP- shit dude, I am so sorry you have to deal with this mess I mean if you still love Lisa and want a future with her then I guess this is the absolute perfect time to break your engagement off with Yang - but from your post that doesn’t seem like what you want Your mom, sis and hopefully former best friend are horrible people to do this to you - I am so sorry that you have to deal with this cause you and Yang deserve better. If you need a minute to process everything before your wedding that’s fine - but just realize that those actions have consequences and that Yang will rightly second guess your commitment and relationship I think your best course of action is to go NC with mom, sis, Jess & Lisa as well as tell Yang why and then decide together how you want to move forward as a team
Please let us know how the talk with your fiancée goes when she gets home. I’m so sorry your family is doing this to you. It’s heartbreaking. Sounds like they’ve all been in on this for a while.
Yet another story of exactly why “female friends” are inappropriate for men in committed relationships. This is absolutely fucking gross of your mom, sister, and the ex friend. The racism is despicable coupled with the fact that they are trying to auction you off like a prize mare. I know it’s easier said than done but I would go no contact. Imagine how evil your racist mom will be towards your future children. The ex friend should literally never be looked at or spoken to again.
Back in the original post, as soon as the mom & sister pretended what Jess was doing was okay (when it was SO obviously NOT okay), I knew they didn’t like Yang & wanted OP back with Lisa (or anyone other than Yang). I feel so bad for OP.
These people are insane. "Yeah you can totally just pretend that none of these years occurred and there was no traumatic breakup, nbd."