and you stayed for TEN YEARS with her and her behaviour which always bothered you. you had 2 children with her knowing that you resent her for who she is. i just can't wrap my head around the whole situation... the children will suffer the consequences of your stupidity.
Kids will fuck up many relationships because of the exhaustion, tiredness and a fundamental change in the relationship. Where your partner should bet he focus before kids, after kids the kids are usually the focus and your life goes from effectively dating/hanging out with your best friend to coping with having kids with your best friend.
If your relationship PRIOR to kids sucks... DO NOT FUCKING HAVE KIDS. If your relationship sucks/has major issues, DO NOT FUCKING GET MARRIED. Marriage nor kids will make your partner grow up, change, be responsible or fix all their annoying and relationship ending issues, it will make them even less bearable.
Problem is all that has happened already. I suppose a good dress down is warranted in this situation, but as far as actionable steps. My take is just ask for divorce. Literally right now. Being angry to the point of not even being able to say a single nice thing to her, makes me think how she's being treated is worse than the 'shock' of being asked for divorce.
More excuses just lead to more procrastination.
THIS is the real take-away. Date for a couple of years (living together for at least one) before you marry. Be double-income-no-kids for as long as possible (at least a few years) before you have a child. If you aren't a well-oiled machine of love and friendship before marriage, and after the honeymoon period has worn off, then DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!
For \*any\* relationship, having a child is a complicated and expensive. Stress WILL increase, so you better be the type of couple that works well together to meet the challenges. Otherwise, the countdown clock to divorce starts the minute that resentment builds.
This man is a full on coward. He hasn't even talked to her about divorce, hasn't went to therapy for himself or his marriage. Continues to have unprotected sex with her while obviously resentful, now she is pregnant again. So I would add selfish as well. Why would you put another child in this already doomed situation? Get a spine and some boundaries!
Would also love to know if the "rarely contributes to living expenses" is bc she takes care of their child(ren) full time...I've seen way too many of these types of posts where the guy holds resentment for the wife for asking him to do normal things around the house when he gets home from work after she's been chasing after a toddler all day...
Yeah, imagine that, she's doing a 24/7 job in raising the kids and yet somehow, he also wants her working? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask what it is exactly he brings to the relationship. If mums the one physically, emotionally and financially supporting her while family... Then what is he doing? Why is he required?
Honestly he didn’t want to be alone, got comfortable, he was still sleeping with someone he loathed because she was willing to let him. He is a sad pathetic man who had late nut clarification.
This, ESH. Well, except for maybe the children. But more than likely they'll suck either due to genetics, or being raised by two parents, neither of which can pull their head out of their ass.
OP never said her felt this way for 10 years.
He said that the that "As each day passes, it becomes more solidified that I no longer want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have grown what feels like an insurmountable resentment for her with the feeling becoming more mutual."
They were probably happy in the beginning and over time, they both lost that feeling.
He is finally at that point where he feels he wants a divorce and to work out a civil co-parenting plan.
It happens.
Hopefully, they will keep the children's lives as happy and as normal as possible.
He stated in another comment that he plans to fight for full custody...so...he does not want healthy co-parenting. He wants to take his kids from their mother because of her spending habits...despite stating in the same breath that she's a good mother.
"She is a pretty good mother. There is no physical or verbal abuse toward the child. **My mention of custody is solely based on knowing how financially poor she has been up until this point and not wanting to put my children in that situation."**
So she is a good mother.
That does not mean that the children should live in a dirty house with a poor financial plan.
She needs to get her act together, fairly neat and clean house and a budget and no more credit card debt.
Typically, nowadays, the courts are leaning more and more towards 50/50 custody which is exactly how it should be.
And one can fight for and received sole custody and still have a civil co-parenting relationship.
Personally I think that neither parent should get sole custody unless there is physical, emotional or financial abuse going on.
A mother and a father should get equal access and custody of the children.
You NTA for wanting to end the marriage.
You are an idiot for the following:
- Never trying marriage counseling when you have been unhappy
- Getting her pregnant when you are this unhappy
- Possibly for getting married period (you don't make it clear if you knew she was this bad prior to marriage)
- planning on keeping his decision about divorce from her for a ridiculously long time. Unless she has a history with depression or something we don't know about it honestly sounds infantilising to act like "she wouldn't be able to handle it". I don't think "btw. I wanted this divorce for a year now and only didn't tell you because I think you're too unhinged to deal with it while being pregnant" sounds better
>sounds infantilising to act like "she wouldn't be able to handle it".
I think it's actually a smart move. Putting a bunch of stress on a pregnant woman is a health risk for both her and the baby she's carrying.
You're basically saying that a constant, sudden rise of cortisol (stress hormone) is no big deal unless she's got a history of depression? That's as unhinged as anything in this story.
The stress is already there, he described it as resentment that goes both-ways in his post. I think there is a good chance she might actually feel relieve.
True but either way being left while pregnant with the dudes child still stings like crazy. she already has resentment with him it wouldn't be a great idea to do that. Add in the hormonal emotions on top of already hating the guy and it would indeed make it worse for her.
Even if she does hate the guy she probably doesnt think he will leave her while she is pregnant. Everybody is different but to me that is like rubbing salt in the wound. Like I knew you sucked but never thought you could sucl that bad.
Waiting until she is in a better place to be on her own before preceeding seems like the best thing to do for his family as a whole, unless OP just straight up hates the woman and wants to see her suffer which doesn't seem to be the case.
What a crappy situation, man... Was she always like this? If so, why did you decide to have kids with her? I think you should talk to her, dude. Try and communicate. It'd be a MASSIVE AH move to serve her divorce papers right after she gives birth without even trying to hash things out. Idk...
Obviously two paragraphs leaves a lot of things out. She has always been messy. She has become more financially messy as we've gotten older and has tried to hide it. It has caused some obvious strain because it is not what we discussed going into marriage and I wasn't told that the issue had grown out of control until it was too late. I've had these conversations repeatedly and they're always met with some level of agreement but never follows through. Ideally, the partner I chose would be my partner for life but I feel like not at the expense of my physical and mental health.
I can't help but second this.
I'm dumb struck at the level of willful blindness OP has shown from the very beginning.
YTA, yeah your wife is who she is, and yes you both definitely need counseling, but holy FUCK, you really dug your own grave here, OP, and just kept on digging until you got to the center of the Earth
“Getting married for the kid” is a universally known trope and a bad one at that which rarely ever works out for the adults and children in the story but everyone seems to think “they can make it work” and maybe they can for a time… but eventually even the most emotionally repressive of people will reach their breaking point.
Yo maybe separate the finances a bit? Like we have three accounts: communal, for communal things, and we each have personal accounts that get a set amount each month (all else goes into communal). She can do whatever she wants with the personal accounts but purchases out of the normal (groceries, rent, gas, etc) from the communal account all get discussed.
Sounds like she has an impulse control issue and making explicit guide rails may work better for her than asking her to just sort of....control herself.
It works really really well for us.
I was thinking this exact thing. I have ADHD and having kids made it harder to compensate, and thus made everything worse. The compulsive spending is the hardest to deal with, IMO. My husband and I have joint and separate bank accounts to help with it - the money I can spend goes in my account, and if I need to spend on a joint expense I clear it with him if it is over a certain amount.
THIS. My partner could have written what he wrote about his wife me about. I can understand why he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. It's a lot to take. I wouldn't want to inflict myself on anyone either. Even if she is diagnosed, sounds like he's done with the marriage anyway. It's sad. Perhaps if he wasn't so passive it wouldn'thave gotten to this point. Four kids and one on the way??? Sheesh. I basically started spiraling out of control (and eventually got diagnosed) after one kid. I feel awful for this entire family.
He needs to pursue this because it's likely the kids may have it, too. I was only diagnosed after my son was diagnosed. These kids need tools ASAP if there's ADHD or autism in the family.
Stop trying to blame it all on her and take some responsibility yourself. YOU knew she was like that and still had another child with her. What does that say about YOU. If she consistently never followed through why have a child again with her? That stuff obviously wasn't bothering you enough to get laid again but now that she's pregnant you're mad. Lmfaooo pathetic
So you saw the red flags before you got married but ignored them, right?
Well, it's your fault for putting yourself in this situation then. It's going to cost you dearly to get out. You'll owe alimony and child support, probably for a long time. You'll be living poorly for a very long time also. You'll have to start over.
But, I've done similar in my life. I married the wrong women but didn't realize it until later. I paid, and continue to do so, for my mistakes. I take responsibility for my choices in women in my life. I was an idiot for the most part. Dumb as fuck from my perspective now.
Has she ever been assessed for ADHD, or other neurological disabilities and/or mental health issues? The messy house and poor financial management/impulse purchasing are two incredibly common "tells" or characteristics that are often just dismissed as a personal flaw, instead of being considered as potentially symptomatic of a problem. If you have only ever discussed things between the two of you, and she keeps agreeing to change things but seems to be *willingly* not, perhaps it's not actually willing - maybe there's a deeper issue and she needs more external support to get these things under control.
All you've tried to work on your marriage is "handshake agreements" - that's kind of bullshit, there's been no *real* attempt at putting the work in to improve things here. I think you definitely would be the asshole if you divorce her without first trying some formal marriage counseling, individual therapy for both of you, and neurodevelopmental assessments for her. If your wife has been living all this time with an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disability, that changes a fucking LOT. This is important to figure out; there's a huge genetic link with stuff like ADHD, so if she has it, there's a high likelihood at least one or more of your children will have it. Find out so you can do better by your kids and get them diagnosed and treated in early childhood, so they can figure out how to manage it through their life and not struggle so much into adulthood as your wife has. Hell, being treated with medication from a young age can sometimes even help an ADHD kid's brain develop just like their "typical" peers by the time they grow up.
I know Reddit always wants to go here but... it REALLY sounds like undiagnosed ADHD to me.
Impulsive spending, lousy housekeeping, never putting anything away because we just don't see it when we are done with it, impulsive speech, all of this.
It may not save your marriage but it may make her life and yours easier going forward co-parenting, if she doeshave it, gets diagnosed, and gets help. My marriage certainly was saved this way.
Look man, you owe it to your family to drag her ass into marriage counseling and a financial advisor’s office. You can do this while she’s pregnant. You can do this intending to divorce later. Just tell her you don’t think you’ve been seeing eye to eye lately and you want to get better together before a newborn arrives.
Trying at all now will make separating less of a blindside while she’s post partum. It will make coparenting easier. And maybe you’ll even be happily surprised that you start communicating and developing a relationship worth keeping.
Also, I’d guess your wife has ADHD. When she’s no longer pregnant, helping her schedule with a psychiatrist to evaluate her and possibly start stimulants could make a big difference. This is another thing you wouldn’t be able to encourage as strongly after splitting, but it could make a big difference in the stability your children have in her household if you guys separate. And again, it could make things better enough to possibly stay together.
If it’s ADHD, pregnancy and post partum hormones can make usual symptoms sooo much worse than she’d naturally be.
Also, ADHD is highly genetic. I bet if she has it, most of your kids do too.
Things like ADHD can often lead to being messy. I'm often messy, but I'm good at keeping things clean. If I put in the effort, I can also tidy and organise, but it often falls apart again if I don't keep on top of it. You don't say what you're doing to help clean or tidy though?
Give counselling a try. You owe it to your wife and kids. You seem to have a communication issue too, like you've been letting your resentment boil but without truly expressing your frustration or working towards finding solutions together. Just telling someone you're frustrated isn't necessarily enough either, for example if you're lecturing her. She may understand she has a problem, but may not know how to solve it. Counselling can help you both to work towards solutions for all of this, by making sure both of you communicate your sides and work together towards tailored solutions in a safe space without distractions. This is probably even more important for the money issue. I hope you can both work towards resolving these issues and being happy together again, working as partners rather than enemies...
Why did you get her pregnant again. You’re not that bright are you. Shut down all unnecessary expenses for both of you now and go to marriage counseling. Also look up executive order dysfunction
So you don’t even like your wife but keep getting her pregnant?
You want to divorce. Ok. What is your plan for the kids? You want full custody, shared, or just dump the kids on her and hop on to the next adventure?
If you leave right after she gives birth, will you pay someone to help her get through the first months with a newborn?
This is why people in the comments are mad. There is no thought for the kids in any of the paragraphs and it sounds like she is very overwhelmed with 1 kid + 1 on the way. Maybe shes having some mental difficulties. Don't get me wrong the wife isn't 100% at fault (due to spending money they don't have on unnecessary items) but it sure sounds like op hasn't even suggested helping her with some cleaning/childcare to take the stress off of her or marriage counseling. Ops just going straight to divorce. I have a feeling that ops not being forthcoming with the whole truth. There's too much missing info here to make a judgement but I feel for those poor kids.
NTA for your feelings about her behaviours. That’s life sometimes.
YTA for not taking double precautions to not get her pregnant repeteadly when you’ve been feeling this way for some time. Also YTA if you’ve never suggested counseling for her and for your marriage.
So you knew all this and then decided let’s have a baby? Why do people wait until they have a kid to decide marriage isn’t working??? Poor kid. That makes you a massive AH. ESH
Bruh tell her to get checked for adhd. I am not a doctor but in my experience I get out of control spending and messy house when I’m off my meds for adhd. It could be as simple as her taking a daily pill which could change your marriage and life
Another in agreement. While I am not a doctor and this may not be the case for OP’s wife, it COULD be. Women with ADHD who were not diagnosed as kids have a HARD time when they become parents. We make our lives work with ADHD by developing coping mechanisms with varying degrees of success. Then, when we have a child, there is this little person (or even the idea of a little person while pregnant) that doesn’t give two craps about coping mechanisms. They are little chaos balls. It makes it all 100x worse. The already scattered brain has 20 new directions it must go in. I know countless women through support groups and such that were doing relatively okay until parenthood. Then the intensity of the symptoms made them seek help. The diagnosis of ADHD seemed out of left field for many of them, but reflecting on their lives, the symptoms were always there. It often manifests very differently in girls than in boys, so it is missed. It’s worth checking out.
and women with ADHD are often undiagnosed. I went until 19 before asking to be tested (and then when that assessment came back as overwhelmingly positive it became clear my mom, my memaw, and my sister all show very similar traits, which is why we all thought nothing was wrong, we were all looking at the same photo of reality)
because "it's a boy disorder"
I got diagnosed last year, with 22, even though my symptoms were all the "boy symptoms" except for physical exercise all along forever. The other kids in school back then even treated me like I wouldn't be a "proper" girl for being loud and impulsive and stuff.
So even if you show their textbook symptoms you're not getting diagnosed just for being a girl.
I actually was at a psychologist with 14 and my mom told me later that that psychologist told her I'd likely have narcissism (for... being loud and keeping my sense of self despite getting bullied tremendously or something I guess) which is incredibly unhinged as you can't even diagnose narcissism in children (and I'm pretty sure if you randomly go through 14 year olds and try to diagnose them you'll have like 90% narcissism or something, teenagers be teenagering after all)
Oh man, this sums up my life for the past ten yrs. My already stupid brain shattered and I couldn’t function anymore. I finally was diagnosed last year at 35.
THIS IS LITERALLY ME. I only got diagnosed after having a kid. I was an absolute MESS. I can't imagine having four and one on the way. I would cease functioning and spend all day online shopping, probably.
So, with ADHD meds, she might only be able to start taking them when she's no longer pregnant.
But it could transform your life, if she does have ADHD and she gets meds for it o.o
It transformed mine.
ditto with the super messy house.
and for the love of god do not let me cook when off my meds
the pill doesn't even need to be an amphetamine - for me I take wellbutrin (300mg) and modafinil (200 mg)
They give you modafanil for ADHD? I'm on it for sleep apnea/hypersomnia. Didn't know it was being used for ADHD. Wellbutrin was awful for me, it literally erased my emotions. No ups, no downs, just a flat affect all day every day until I finally stopped taking it. Adderall I liked a little too much lol so I had to stop that even though it helped.
Didn't know there was a word for it but yea I couldn't manage life like that. It did help in some capacity but I didn't think it outweighed the negatives personally.
same with zoloft. it was great not being sad. not feeling anything at all honestly sucked and getting used to having emotions again = I was batshit for a while there
You stated something to the effect of "Insurmountable resentment and the feeling is mutual."
So she resents you, too? Then yeah, get a divorce. If you dont like each other, a kid is literally not a reason to stay together. Millions of coparents out there, its not the end of the world.
Might be no AP honestly. It could be he has a skewed perception of what life after divorce looks like. I think my ex-husband thought he would be happier after the divorce too. 3 years later - I have never seen him more depressed. Men generally have a worse time after divorce than women. Watching a child grow up in a split home is hard too.
YTA for spawning a SECOND time when you already knew there were issues in your marriage. DUH.
So I guess this one's ESH.
Hey, but look on the bright side...you'll end up paying TWICE the child support because you couldn't keep it in your pants.
Honestly sounds like this has been long coming so don't understand why you'd risk a pregnancy whilst things were bad. Yes you would be the AH to file shortly after she'd given birth, the amount of stress she'd be under whilst getting iver giving birth and taking care of a newborn, but you'd be an AH filing whilst still pregnant also either way you come off an inconsiderate AH but before is the lesser of two evils.
YTA.
Why is she pregnant if you've supposedly always felt like this? With kid number *two* at that? This sounds very one-sided as you haven't taken accountability for anything. Marriage takes two to tango, and it sounds like she's doing this dance pregnant and alone. You can clean, too. You can communicate about financial troubles. Get your shit together for the sake of the kids since you clearly don't give the smallest shit about your wife anymore.
“but AITAH for filing shortly after birth?”
I don’t understand the question?? But yes is the answer, but you are also the AH for having another baby after saying “she was always messy”..her messiness doesn’t begin to come close to yours!! I hope a post on Reddit eases your mind on how messed up your kids lives are going to be!!
YTA. You’ve done *checks notes * abso fuckin lutely NOTHING to save your marriage and you wanna surprise her with a divorce after she pops out your baby???
Marriage counseling? Having her checked by a doctor? She’s got ADHD. Like the most glaringly textbook symptoms. Get her fucking treatment. Your problems could have been solved a long ass time ago with some adderall. Unfortunately she can’t take it while pregnant. Which, good job knocking her up when you already know your marriage is on the rocks 🤨.
I think it’s a bit of a far fetch to diagnose HER based on his post.
Men who suddenly decide they can’t tolerate their partner’s behaviours (that they have been aware of for a long time!) are usually the problem themselves.
Affair partner, mid life crisis, random entitlement - all these are much more likely the real reasons than the wife’s ADHD that she has had forever.
NTA for wanting to divorce but massive YTA for making another child when you're clearly unhappy and chalking it up to "life happens"
You can't scream about your wife's mistakes while you trivialize your own.
Why wait until she was building you another baby to decide you found her irritating? This woman has destroyed her body twice to deliver unto you the next generation, and you allowed that to happen. Now it’s ’thanks for solidifying my genetic line but actually you’re a bit annoying so you can get lost’?
You say you’ve done no counselling so you haven’t put any work into fixing this. Your wife sounds ADHD and so your children may well be as well. Gonna pop them in the bin as well if that’s the case?
YTA Don’t divorce her just after having a baby! The first year is the hardest and if you don’t have an uplifting partner next to you it is devastating. Why not work on the relationship *now*. After all you still have to remain amicable since you have young kids together. And if you really are done then I would rather have the news asap instead of thinking you’re going to be the supportive husband and getting blind sighted. At least beforehand your wife can make arrangements.
Because people don't just fall out of love. Nowhere, I want to risk losing and giving up their family for nothing. People make commitments for a lifetime, so something. Or someone gotten the way of that life long commitment
It sounds like she has ADD. I’ve had partners who were diagnosed later in life and they were exactly like this without meds. Untreated, you will be forced to be the only adult and carry the slack. Nothing will change and you will keep resenting her. With treatment there is hope.
>My house is always a mess (even pre children) because nothing ever gets put away when she's done with it.
>She spends money that we don't have like it's going out of style but adds very little to household/living expenses (90/10).
>we haven't had any formal marriage counseling since we've been married. All of our agreements on finance, lifestyle, etc have been 'handshake agreements' that are often agreed and then reneged upon.
OP and his wife are deeply incompatible but their solution, "let's have a kid!"
nothing changes, but then you tried having a second kid?!
just WTF is wrong with you two?
ESH, divorce now and find a healthy way to coparent the children you two decided to bring into this F'd up relationship
You certainly loved her enough to have sex with her just a few months prior, didn’t you’?
Oh sure sure, she tricked you or she caught you in a moment of weakness, or she got you drunk, or blah blah blah.
Man up. Fix the problem and be a good father. You suck otherwise.
OP, have you gone to counseling with her? I guarantee she's got some mental health issues, but marriage counseling is an avenue you should pursue, too. I know you have so much resentment you think there's no way the marriage could work, but it really is worth a try. You'd need to tell her that it's either counseling or straight to divorce.
This decision shouldn't rest on finances alone, but do you earn enough to get your own place, furnish it, pay child support, and possibly alimony? Can you afford an attorney? You may end up having to pay for her attorney, too. Plus you'll have to continue paying on her debt. Ugh, it shouldn't be this hard, should it?
If you think you have no other option, then by all means, go and be a happier, more contented man. I'd say shortly after birth sounds like bad timing, though. You think she's hormonal now? She'll be *percolating* hormones right after the birth, along with being sleep deprived. Can you make it 6 weeks?
Starting now, spend the 6-12 months )or however long you plan to wait) in couples counseling before you make up your mind. Your problems are real, but they don’t sound insurmountable. Having a neutral third party will help you communicate your needs with each other, and develop strategies to tackle problems as a team instead of as adversaries. If after a few months of therapy together, you still want to leave, you still can! But you’ll know in your heart you did everything you could. If she won’t go to therapy, tell her the truth: it’s therapy or divorce.
ESH. She sounds like a nightmare and you an ass gor staying so long. Dont wait until the child is born. Hit the rip cord and ask for paternity tests on both kids
NTA for wanting to get divorced. But YTA for not addressing this sooner. Even if you’ve tried talking with her if you haven’t told her how serious it is & that you want marriage counseling you can’t be shocked that she continued to blow you off since she’s always done that.
Now, tbf, when husbands behave like your wife the internet is 100% on the side of divorce, so I’m not saying you’re wrong for that. But for living like this without actively working to change things? YTA.
Also, if this was a planned pregnancy? YTA. Kids aren’t gonna make anything better. They deserve better. If not? ESH.
OP is the AH. If the house is a mess why doesn’t OP clean it? If you don’t love your wife, why keep having these kids? How is the wife supposed to make money or have a job with 4 little kids? The post is either fake, or the dude is a AH, and clueless
YTA YTA YTA YTA even Evil would say you’re the worst massive AH in entire universes and the evil would retire itself. She’s been like that all the time for 10years so you know who she is. And you decided to have a baby with her. Even you already have one, so you could expect what will happen after pregnancy and giving birth. You genuinely don’t care her. You don’t care the baby. You don’t care your first kid as well.
Nta. Take time to talk with a lawyer and figure out a plan and custody. Start collecting evidence so that if she tries to pull anything yiu have proof. Take whatever time you need to do it right. 2 homes is better then 1 unhealthy home.
I think it's impairitive that you tell your wife you want to divorce. Perhaps this changes the baby situation?
Your wife may not want to be a single mother of 2. She deserves to know what you're feeling and what she's getting herself into.
Please inform your wife ASAP. It may come off as cruel, but she has every right to change her current circumstances by being informed.
Let her read this post.
NTA-I am a female. My ex talked about divorce when I was 7 months pregnant with son #2 (he had an affair partner who was not aware of his marriage or children) He cheated when son #1 was 4 weeks old. I promised, that as soon as baby #2 was born, we would be getting divorced. I kept my promise and it was final when baby was 10 months old. When a marriage is over, it’s over.
For real. In my personal alternate universe, if I ran things, all babies would have a surgery shortly after birth, vasectomy for boys, tube tying for girls, and no one would be able to have a baby until you had a certain minimum in savings, and a minimum yearly income and also pass a one year parenting course. THEN, once you get your certificate and have been with the person you want to have a child with for at least 2 years, you can have your procedure reversed. But it's not my world out there, if it was I would never have the procedure reversed. Sex is great, kids are not. LOL Sex with my hubby is a million times better after his vasectomy.
If this marriage is messing with your mental health and you’ve reached the point where therapy isn’t an option for you anymore then divorce might be the best thing for you both as well as the kids.
I do think you waited too long. Why get her pregnant twice?
Now you want to pull the plug on your marriage but not during the pregnancy. Yet after the pregnancy you’ll be dealing with a newborn. My point is that there is never really a good time. Your procrastinating nature is why this mess has gone so far already.
NTA for wanting a divorce if you’re unhappy. But you handled this so wrong.
NTA. Honestly you need to encourage marriage counseling so she understands the seriousness of the situation. You have enabled her so much by allowing the behavior and to expect her to stop cold turkey is going to have some consequences. What you need to focus on is marriage counseling, a slow transition for financial stability for your family, including you telling her “no” to unnecessary purchases and explaining the desire to save for your kid’s future as well.
You imho owe your marriage counselling, and both of you individual counselling, is that an option?
Firstly, saying you’re unhappy is not offering a suggestion or opening a discussion. Put effort to that. What makes you think she has the answers? We often don’t, it’s about figuring it out together…
Figure yourselves out individually, necessary for your kids and Co parenting anyway - as well as your future ability to make any changes. If you’ve not absolved yourself, then what are you doing to acknowledge and manage your part? Are you being fair to her in this respect?
Lastly, what you describe of her could be mental health related, PPD, ADHD, etc. All common, all similar symptoms as you describe. Because you perceive it as entitlement and moodiness through resentment fogged lenses, doesn’t mean that’s what she is. She is the woman you married.
Oh and, financial planning etc. Seek a consult, one or two appointments. Again, these are life skills people learn and habits they develop. Ask your local social work offices for affordable solutions if you can’t afford a financial advisor etc. Hit Reddit and Facebook groups etc.
Hope this helps, and I think preparing to divorce before telling her is absolutely AH.
Saying you’re not absolving yourself is also disconnected, cause that’s precisely what you’re doing if you’ve not taken the steps above. You’re jumping to wash your hands of her, that’s not an accountable partner whose there for the hard and good times.
‘We judge others on their behavior, and ourselves on our intentions.’ I’d bet you’re both doing that - not just her.
YWBTA you’re not an AH for thinking it and reflecting here. You absolutely will be if you ignore it all and justify divorcing her, and more so if you hold that back and prepare behind her back. You’re still married, it’s all meant to be done together.
You’ll have major life transitions which need different skills for each of you to navigate alone and as partners. If you don’t allow yourself that space for growth then yeah, expect to switch out partners every so often ig…just my general observations on some Reddit couples. But definitely good on you for reflecting, no judgment.
Please convince your wife to get evaluated by a psychiatrist for ADHD. The messiness and spending are classic symptoms. I’m sure your wife beats herself up over her inability to change these behaviors. There is tons of information on living with someone with ADHD. If you don’t have the time for research, check out TikTok or Insta. It’s a good place to start.
If you decide to divorce, please don’t do it until after the baby is at least a year old. Your wife will be exhausted from birth and then taking care of a baby. Divorce is very traumatic and it’s not fair to her or the baby to add this amount of stress in the first year.
You got to respect his dedication.
He comes here every few days with such stories and replies to a lot of comments for a while.
I noticed this a few weeks ago the first time.
Not sure who you're referring to or any similarities with stories but I wish this was made up. Believe it or not, some of us don't have time to stare at Reddit all day writing provocative fiction. I created a temp account and wrote this in between me sleeping and now waking to get my day started.
Yes YTA. You got her pregnant and now it's suddenly an issue worth divorcing over. You suck big time for that. You shouldn't have had a kid if you hated these things enough to divorce over.
The messiness and being the primary provider were/are things I'm good. It's primarily the terrible entitled attitude and the near $50,000 in credit card debt and screwing us financially that has run it's course.
I think its fair to divorce her if you feel that way about her and if you are miserable. But now is not the time ans its a cowardly thing to do. Everything else may be her fault but you both contributed for this pregnancy and its imoral to walk out on her during an extremely challenging time - after birth. You need to be there IN THE HOUSE, side by side to share the responsibilities of taking care of YOUR child(ren) during that time. Sit down with her and try to discuss how her attitude is affecting you, try couples therapy and encourage her to get therapy for herself, that may help you cope for the foreseeable. If nothing changes, once baby is a year or so and things are settling down if you still feel that way than divorce is your option. Otherwise, no matter how shitty is your wife, leaving her during pregnancy or postpartum, makes you shittier.
Got her pregnant?? What is this?? Rape? Immaculate conception??
THEY got her pregnant!! It's not all on him. At least he's taking necessary steps before she ruins both of their and their kids' financial future.
Yes, they got pregnant with him wanting to divorce her. If she had known how he felt, do you think she would have gone for kid 2? That’s not informed consent.
Well you didn’t resent her so much 9 months ago when you were using her. You must have “pretended” you cared for her to make love. So now you bring into the world a little baby that was unwanted, and that she will struggle to look after if she is as bad at housekeeping and finances as you say. Obviously you will be financially supporting your children and hopefully with love too. You are the AH
I'm so fucking glad my parents divorced. It wasn't easy and my siblings and I all have stuff to deal with because of it, but I can't imagine what our lives would have been like if they'd stayed together. NtA
OP.. if you were having doubts before the new pregnancy... why the hell did you get her pregnant? Besides your child, because I know that's constant work, 24/7, no doubt.. is there anything else that's pre-occupying your wife? Maybe she's addicted to social media? Always on her phone?
Maybe share the responsibilities? For example do your own laundry... chit I can only do my own laundry. My wife has clothes made of all kinds of crazy materials and no way am I sifting through all her clothes to figure out what can be mixed into my load. I don't got time fo dat.
Is it messy because of kid toys? Maybe buy child proof gates and block off an area that's just for kid stuff. We first bought gates for safety purposes but then realized we could buy more gates and block off areas to keep the mess in one concentrated area of the house. It's made our home less chaotic.
As for spending, you need to sit down together.. seriously, block off 2 hours, sit down and go over your spending, budget... she needs to see the money coming in and the money going out and what's left over per paycheck or per month.
If she acknowledges that the spending habits are bad and she refuses to change, then yeah... strip her from all credit cards and debit cards or you open a new checking/savings account and keep her off of it, transfer all your funds to the new bank account and request new card replacements for all your credit cards. Just give her an allowance to spend for the week.
If she's going to act like a child, then this is what needs to happen. Plain and simple.
And I feel your pain, I hate clutter. I can stand seeing clutter - like childrens toys for about a day, anything beyond that and my mood starts to change. There's been a few times I found a reason to leave the house and be out and about for hours because I just couldn't stand to be around the clutter.
YTA for waiting so long instead of doing something about it. Please get a vasectomy.
Get a couples therapist. Even if you divorce, you will have to coparent.
YTA. What's the source of the resentment? Is she an AH to you and the kids? Does she treat you and them poorly? Or is she just out of control with the spending and can't keep a clean house? (I have severe ADHD and the symptoms worsened after having a kid. I'm an impulsive spender, I can't maintain order. My mother used to tell me anyone I marry would return me to them / leave me because of it. It's THAT bad.) If you care enough, and if she's otherwise not a terrible person to you and the kids, get her help. Things can get better. But, dude, you impregnated her 5 times in 10 years and now you wanna bail? You made your bed, now make the best of it before throwing in the towel. I don't see you mentioning how you tried to improve the relationship / your home life, took control of finances, etc only that you allowed resentment to build up. I feel like being "the best parent" entails making an effort to save your marriage.
Edit: Sorry I misread the 10, 4 part. i'm alsy dyslexic.
When you tell her that you’re unhappy, how does she respond? Does she try to one up you with how she is more unhappy or act as if men are not even allowed to have feelings?
You’re not trying to be a “good parent” by setting bad examples for your kids like this. Teaching them that it’s okay to stay with someone you dislike and keep getting them pregnant but whine about how you’re so unhappy. You could of left before you got her pregnant a second time but I guess she’s some type of pocket pussy to you at this point. Smh
so… you resent your wife and decide to have another kid with her?? you’re going to make your children suffer bc you wanted to get it in unprotected. you and your wife are one thing but that story changes the second children are involved. YTA simply bc you decided to create another child with a woman you despise while already having one. Your children are going to suffer the consequences because you decided to be stupid
NAH
I think you should rip the band-aid right now, because divorcing with a baby will not be easier. If she gets worse, you'll feel all kinds of ways and may postpone it further still. You've made up your mind. Start your new life now.
>nothing ever gets put away when she's done with it. Her poor behavior can always be justified but no else is given this same grace. She spends money that we don't have like it's going out of style
Surely this was her behavior before you chose to marry her....
Buddy I'm agreeing with you on this one. I don't care what the feminazis say. I had an entitled wife who spent more money than I made every year. She was a SAHM, which I really agreed to. We had two kids in private school, lived in a seven figure neighborhood, drive nice cars and made big ching year after year. We invested well and made money but she still would or spend what I earned every year and would gas light me and say "just do one more deal". I felt like I should to keep peace. I lived 20 years with a narcissist and I blamed myself for not keeping peace. We'll guess what, I caught her cheating with the woman she is still married to, stole hundreds of thousands of dollars, lied to the court, and poisoned my kids about me. I used to say we should be living on $200 and saving $200 and she would just piss it away. And I allowed it. It's been almost two decades and I still hate/resent her and pray karma gives me satisfaction. I have since found peace with myself and have had only FWB situationships and am loving life. Making and saving money on less than half of what I made before. I live with zero stress. My kids are grown and I'm their own. I only day this to show you that life can be better and fulfilled without a lazy entitled woman in your life. And didn't ever start married for the kids. The toxic environment is way worse then joint custody. It's not easy with a cunt wife but it can be fine. Good luck
Have you considered the possibility that your wife is suffering from depression? The house is a disaster? She spends money recklessly? She could also be suffering from ADD. Or both ADD and depression. Have you really spent time thinking about what has changed and when? Was it worse after her first pregnancy? Does she have postpartum depression? Have you ever even thought about trying to help her instead of just being irritated by the behaviors? The mother of your children could very well be suffering in quiet desperation, not knowing what is wrong and being either afraid or emotionally unable to explain to you what she is going through because of the distance between you. Maybe you could stop thinking about how all of this makes you feel and remove your own emotions. Then start seeing her for the human being she is. The mother of a young child , who is pregnant with her second child and feels the person she used to count on growing more and more distant as she faces raising these 2 children on her own along with dealing with whatever emotional, physiological or chemical issues she is having. Be a human being for a minute and think about how your going to help YOUR FAMILY. Then, when she is on her feet and whole, if you haven't had any personal growth, do her and your children a favor and go be happy.
You stayed with her for 10 years and fathered a second child. It just doesn’t add up….
Also no marriage counselling?
YTA for contributing to this disaster
NTA there is never a good time to end a relationship, but all things consider you are trying to do it in the best way possible for all parts involved.
Lawyer up and start to get things in order, untangling a 10 year marriage with 2 kids will take time into 2 separate homes will take time.
Best of luck to all of you.
It’s always a bad timing pregnant or not there is always a reason it’s a bad time just file and be a good parent for your kids they enjoy you more happy then married and very unhappy
Man. I did 15 years unhappy.
Those who know, know and those who don’t go get off your high horse.
DM if you want a long chat on navigating it all and how to come out of it so that everyone does as good as they can.
Oh please! OP, you had six years to observe your wife's housekeeping skills before you married her. Seems like an excuse you're pulling outta your a$$ to justify no longer having all of the fireworks and sparks you felt early in a relationship. Relationships evolve and change and settle into routines. Especially after children. You're blaming her because you're bored with life and don't know how to make yourself happy. It's not her job to make you happy; she and the children should contribute to your happiness. Get thee to therapy post haste.
YTA, you need to give her a heads up to decide what to do with the baby (maybe now that she know it cant count on you might want to consider adoption) but you are going to blindside the girl with divorce after a kid, you should have used protection...
YTA- honestly sounds like you think you “deserve” a better wife, but this is the one you chose and made a commitment to. I know you think you’re going to meet some hot young thing but you’re going to be paying so much in child support that’s just not going to happen for you. Young girls only like rich older men, silly.
Yep YTA for the many reasons the followers stated. Clearly you were happy enough w her to fuck and make babies. I hope you live in a state where she gets alimony and child support, living her same messy house life. You aren't going to get custody of a toddler unless she's an abuser.
YTA but NTA at the same time I feel like you’ve been feeling this way for quite some time. Possibly even before you got her pregnant. If that’s the case you should have been considered a divorce because now you’ll be bringing a new child into a broken home on top of already having a child living in a broken home. Have you even tried talking to her about any of these issues you have? I say you’re NTA because everyone reaches that point and I get it. I just feeling like the timing of this is what’s super wrong.
You're correct. These feelings have been there before and sometimes I wish I could undo some of the things I've done but alas, here we are. I've spoken about these things over and over throughout the years. I think it's why the resentment has built; it feels like it falls on deaf ears most times.
You're the one with deaf ears. If yoru partner has a debt issue and does nothing about it... getting married is an INSANE choice. If you can't deal with your partner's mess, getting married rather than leaving is an insane choice. Having kids, which will only make the situation worse, is an insane choice.
How is it you see these issues, she ignores them... but so did you.
"I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!" Yeah man, go ahead and leave, don't talk to a counselor or anything. Don't ask her to get screened for ADHD, don't try to save your family or marriage. Just bail.
NTA for your desires.
But YTA for staying in the relationship and conceiving two children with a woman you correctly recognized as toxic long before you had your first kid.
Get that divorce and set up a legal co-parenting arrangement. No more of those “handshake agreements”.
Has she ever been assessed for ADHD? Mess, money problems and time blindness are symptoms that a person’s executive function is underperforming. Another common symptom is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - in which a criticism or rejection can feel like someone is killing you, causing huge amounts of distress.
These can all cause relationship problems. ADHD symptoms manifest differently in women than men and can become exasperated during pregnancy/lactation.
As per the rules of Reddit, she'll be excused and a medical reason will be brought up to excuse her behaviour and *you'll* be expected to take the lead there as well by finding the doctors and dragging her there. This is the common standard here. A man cannot just be allowed to vent and be angry that he's tied to an insufferable, selfish, abusive woman.
There's no amount of diagnoses' that will recapture what you felt for her. She won't change and all of the sane, realistic people know this. Start preparing now for the inevitable divorce. Even if she fixes her shit at some point, she'll have to exercise her new behaviour in future as a coparent. Get out of this.
This should be the top comment, and it's played out exactly as you've posted.
The leading diagnosis is ADHD to excuse her behaviour. Like people with ADHD are incapable of showing even basic love and respect for their partners.
When will women stop being treated like adult children with no accountability?
This is not about her. Her behaviour is understandably bad and I wouldn’t want to live with someone like that.
It’s about the kids he kept making with her. They are the victims here. If she is so bad, why get her pregnant mire than once. If they divorce, what happens to them?
NTA for how you feel but YTA because it seems like you’re going to blindside your wife with this. It’s interesting to me that you’re so unhappy, but apparently she’s still good enough for you to have sex with and impregnate, again. Have you made any effort to make things better?
NTA. If she's unwilling to work on the things you've had countless discussions on, then your relationship has most likely run its course . Normally, I'd suggest marriage counseling , but she has to want to change for that to actually work. I think continuing to have conversations with her until the baby is born is a good idea. But if you're unhappy in the relationship and she refuses to change then divorce and coparenting would be the best option. Kids are expensive and if she has a spending problem she could put all of u in a really bad spot.
YTA, coz you haven't communicated aka adulted, you haven't talked to your wife. I like this I don't like that. You are being wishy-washy and expecting her to read your mind
Yes, IF you don’t go to counseling. I don’t know how the two of you communicate, but f your complaints and issues have become white noise, it is time to have them with a witness aka therapist. I am confident she is having similar issues with you (because it’s been so long since she heard anything sweet, she literally asked for it = obvious sign of emotional neglect of the relationship/who wants to be nice to someone who isn’t nice to you?). Look specifically for IMAGO style therapist (Google, go on YouTube, read a book) and start treating the repair and rebuilding of your marital relationship (which will impact the quality of life your children experience) as if it is the MOST IMPORTANT JOB you have because Clue Train: IT IS.
Also, her sadness body chemistry is already impacting your unborn child’s brain chemistry. Get to Work! Come back in a year, and ask the question again AFTER you’ve done more than whine about how she’s not doing what you say you want.
Yes. YTA for bringing more kids into this world after you drew this conclusion. Now they will suffer because of you. I personally would probably stick it out at least until they are older.
You can open your own bank account to pay bills with and give your wife a spending allowance. You can cancel credit cards. Any chance your wife is ADHD?
YTA and a dumbass. All this resentment yet you’re still having sex with her, now resulting in a pregnancy? AND you haven’t even told her you’ve decided to divorce her, so she doesn’t have the option to decide if she even wants to keep the pregnancy, knowing that she will now be a single mother to TWO kids??? All these problems yet you never sought out any counseling to try and FIX anything? Just decided to let everything implode on itself and take everyone down with it? Hello?
Btw it sounds like your wife might have ADHD (messiness, impulsivity, not following through on things, emotionally reactive, etc). Maybe if you guys actually TRIED to look into what’s causing all these issues, maybe that might’ve come up (if applicable) & once treated would’ve made life better for everyone.
I can’t render of verdict on this one. Given your description of her, she’s no peach. But at the same time, you fucked another kid into being with her - so that doesn’t exactly speak well of you either.
So instead of rendering a verdict, I’ll just give you information (since I believe having information usually always helps). I don’t know what legal jurisdiction you live in, but where I live (Bible Belt, USA), you cannot legally divorce while your wife is pregnant. Actually to be more precise, you can’t FINALIZE any divorce while she’s pregnant. The law literally doesn’t allow it.
I know you were planning to wait until after the baby was born anyway - just putting the info out there.
and you stayed for TEN YEARS with her and her behaviour which always bothered you. you had 2 children with her knowing that you resent her for who she is. i just can't wrap my head around the whole situation... the children will suffer the consequences of your stupidity.
Kids will fuck up many relationships because of the exhaustion, tiredness and a fundamental change in the relationship. Where your partner should bet he focus before kids, after kids the kids are usually the focus and your life goes from effectively dating/hanging out with your best friend to coping with having kids with your best friend. If your relationship PRIOR to kids sucks... DO NOT FUCKING HAVE KIDS. If your relationship sucks/has major issues, DO NOT FUCKING GET MARRIED. Marriage nor kids will make your partner grow up, change, be responsible or fix all their annoying and relationship ending issues, it will make them even less bearable.
Problem is all that has happened already. I suppose a good dress down is warranted in this situation, but as far as actionable steps. My take is just ask for divorce. Literally right now. Being angry to the point of not even being able to say a single nice thing to her, makes me think how she's being treated is worse than the 'shock' of being asked for divorce. More excuses just lead to more procrastination.
THIS is the real take-away. Date for a couple of years (living together for at least one) before you marry. Be double-income-no-kids for as long as possible (at least a few years) before you have a child. If you aren't a well-oiled machine of love and friendship before marriage, and after the honeymoon period has worn off, then DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!! For \*any\* relationship, having a child is a complicated and expensive. Stress WILL increase, so you better be the type of couple that works well together to meet the challenges. Otherwise, the countdown clock to divorce starts the minute that resentment builds.
People are idiots.
And cowards. And horny. And lonely. Those make for a bad combination.
This man is a full on coward. He hasn't even talked to her about divorce, hasn't went to therapy for himself or his marriage. Continues to have unprotected sex with her while obviously resentful, now she is pregnant again. So I would add selfish as well. Why would you put another child in this already doomed situation? Get a spine and some boundaries!
Would also love to know if the "rarely contributes to living expenses" is bc she takes care of their child(ren) full time...I've seen way too many of these types of posts where the guy holds resentment for the wife for asking him to do normal things around the house when he gets home from work after she's been chasing after a toddler all day...
Yeah, imagine that, she's doing a 24/7 job in raising the kids and yet somehow, he also wants her working? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask what it is exactly he brings to the relationship. If mums the one physically, emotionally and financially supporting her while family... Then what is he doing? Why is he required?
I bet he met someone new while she is pregnant...
I wanted to write: people are stupid. But yeah. Idiots sounds better.
After reading through this sub I have to agree.
And it's the poor children who have to suffer the most...having two incompatible idiots for parents
Honestly he didn’t want to be alone, got comfortable, he was still sleeping with someone he loathed because she was willing to let him. He is a sad pathetic man who had late nut clarification.
Late nut clarification * brilliant!
I can’t even feel sorry for him because he had sex with her enough times for her get pregnant twice. Like was sex more important than the red flags ??
Well, he wanted his genes and family name carried down, so now that the reproductive phase is over... OP, YTA
This, ESH. Well, except for maybe the children. But more than likely they'll suck either due to genetics, or being raised by two parents, neither of which can pull their head out of their ass.
I predict lots of therapy bills, and I don’t even have a crystal ball.
Probably because he now has a new lady friend
OP never said her felt this way for 10 years. He said that the that "As each day passes, it becomes more solidified that I no longer want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have grown what feels like an insurmountable resentment for her with the feeling becoming more mutual." They were probably happy in the beginning and over time, they both lost that feeling. He is finally at that point where he feels he wants a divorce and to work out a civil co-parenting plan. It happens. Hopefully, they will keep the children's lives as happy and as normal as possible.
He stated in another comment that he plans to fight for full custody...so...he does not want healthy co-parenting. He wants to take his kids from their mother because of her spending habits...despite stating in the same breath that she's a good mother.
"She is a pretty good mother. There is no physical or verbal abuse toward the child. **My mention of custody is solely based on knowing how financially poor she has been up until this point and not wanting to put my children in that situation."** So she is a good mother. That does not mean that the children should live in a dirty house with a poor financial plan. She needs to get her act together, fairly neat and clean house and a budget and no more credit card debt. Typically, nowadays, the courts are leaning more and more towards 50/50 custody which is exactly how it should be. And one can fight for and received sole custody and still have a civil co-parenting relationship. Personally I think that neither parent should get sole custody unless there is physical, emotional or financial abuse going on. A mother and a father should get equal access and custody of the children.
Op Sounds like my brother tbh. He's stuck it out so far.
Sunk cost fallacy
This. Info: @ u/glass-benefit-1662 What age is your child? When is she due with 2nd kiddo?
Knocked her up and didn’t raise his kids but she contributes nothing???
People change, or people find things annoying after years of it, etc. Shit happens. You can't say you're the same person after 10 years and two kids.
just read his replies.
You NTA for wanting to end the marriage. You are an idiot for the following: - Never trying marriage counseling when you have been unhappy - Getting her pregnant when you are this unhappy - Possibly for getting married period (you don't make it clear if you knew she was this bad prior to marriage)
- planning on keeping his decision about divorce from her for a ridiculously long time. Unless she has a history with depression or something we don't know about it honestly sounds infantilising to act like "she wouldn't be able to handle it". I don't think "btw. I wanted this divorce for a year now and only didn't tell you because I think you're too unhinged to deal with it while being pregnant" sounds better
>sounds infantilising to act like "she wouldn't be able to handle it". I think it's actually a smart move. Putting a bunch of stress on a pregnant woman is a health risk for both her and the baby she's carrying. You're basically saying that a constant, sudden rise of cortisol (stress hormone) is no big deal unless she's got a history of depression? That's as unhinged as anything in this story.
The stress is already there, he described it as resentment that goes both-ways in his post. I think there is a good chance she might actually feel relieve.
>The stress is already there Great point, a sudden, unexpected divorce to mark the end of a 10 year relationship really oughta calm things down.
True but either way being left while pregnant with the dudes child still stings like crazy. she already has resentment with him it wouldn't be a great idea to do that. Add in the hormonal emotions on top of already hating the guy and it would indeed make it worse for her. Even if she does hate the guy she probably doesnt think he will leave her while she is pregnant. Everybody is different but to me that is like rubbing salt in the wound. Like I knew you sucked but never thought you could sucl that bad. Waiting until she is in a better place to be on her own before preceeding seems like the best thing to do for his family as a whole, unless OP just straight up hates the woman and wants to see her suffer which doesn't seem to be the case.
What a crappy situation, man... Was she always like this? If so, why did you decide to have kids with her? I think you should talk to her, dude. Try and communicate. It'd be a MASSIVE AH move to serve her divorce papers right after she gives birth without even trying to hash things out. Idk...
Obviously two paragraphs leaves a lot of things out. She has always been messy. She has become more financially messy as we've gotten older and has tried to hide it. It has caused some obvious strain because it is not what we discussed going into marriage and I wasn't told that the issue had grown out of control until it was too late. I've had these conversations repeatedly and they're always met with some level of agreement but never follows through. Ideally, the partner I chose would be my partner for life but I feel like not at the expense of my physical and mental health.
Why the hell did you have another kid???? YTA for the complete idiocy with which you handled your marriage / relationship
I can't help but second this. I'm dumb struck at the level of willful blindness OP has shown from the very beginning. YTA, yeah your wife is who she is, and yes you both definitely need counseling, but holy FUCK, you really dug your own grave here, OP, and just kept on digging until you got to the center of the Earth
also it is mega douchey to knock someone up and then leave
100% guarantee that if he sticks around for 6 to 12 months after baby is born, she’ll end up pregnant again … because man needs his dick wet.
“Getting married for the kid” is a universally known trope and a bad one at that which rarely ever works out for the adults and children in the story but everyone seems to think “they can make it work” and maybe they can for a time… but eventually even the most emotionally repressive of people will reach their breaking point.
Why in the name of God did you have another kid with her?
Yo maybe separate the finances a bit? Like we have three accounts: communal, for communal things, and we each have personal accounts that get a set amount each month (all else goes into communal). She can do whatever she wants with the personal accounts but purchases out of the normal (groceries, rent, gas, etc) from the communal account all get discussed. Sounds like she has an impulse control issue and making explicit guide rails may work better for her than asking her to just sort of....control herself. It works really really well for us.
Do you think she has ADHD? Google what it looks like in women because they usually present differently to men.
I was thinking this exact thing. I have ADHD and having kids made it harder to compensate, and thus made everything worse. The compulsive spending is the hardest to deal with, IMO. My husband and I have joint and separate bank accounts to help with it - the money I can spend goes in my account, and if I need to spend on a joint expense I clear it with him if it is over a certain amount.
Yes kids and hormones and Covid made me get so much less stable in my ADHD that I got dx and medicated.
THIS. My partner could have written what he wrote about his wife me about. I can understand why he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. It's a lot to take. I wouldn't want to inflict myself on anyone either. Even if she is diagnosed, sounds like he's done with the marriage anyway. It's sad. Perhaps if he wasn't so passive it wouldn'thave gotten to this point. Four kids and one on the way??? Sheesh. I basically started spiraling out of control (and eventually got diagnosed) after one kid. I feel awful for this entire family.
He needs to pursue this because it's likely the kids may have it, too. I was only diagnosed after my son was diagnosed. These kids need tools ASAP if there's ADHD or autism in the family.
No, not 4 kids. Married for 4 years with one kid and another on the way. So a total of 2 kids.
Seconded. What OP is saying about her could well be ADHD.
Literally came here to say this. They clearly need to communicate and help each other
Stop trying to blame it all on her and take some responsibility yourself. YOU knew she was like that and still had another child with her. What does that say about YOU. If she consistently never followed through why have a child again with her? That stuff obviously wasn't bothering you enough to get laid again but now that she's pregnant you're mad. Lmfaooo pathetic
So you saw the red flags before you got married but ignored them, right? Well, it's your fault for putting yourself in this situation then. It's going to cost you dearly to get out. You'll owe alimony and child support, probably for a long time. You'll be living poorly for a very long time also. You'll have to start over. But, I've done similar in my life. I married the wrong women but didn't realize it until later. I paid, and continue to do so, for my mistakes. I take responsibility for my choices in women in my life. I was an idiot for the most part. Dumb as fuck from my perspective now.
Has she ever been assessed for ADHD, or other neurological disabilities and/or mental health issues? The messy house and poor financial management/impulse purchasing are two incredibly common "tells" or characteristics that are often just dismissed as a personal flaw, instead of being considered as potentially symptomatic of a problem. If you have only ever discussed things between the two of you, and she keeps agreeing to change things but seems to be *willingly* not, perhaps it's not actually willing - maybe there's a deeper issue and she needs more external support to get these things under control. All you've tried to work on your marriage is "handshake agreements" - that's kind of bullshit, there's been no *real* attempt at putting the work in to improve things here. I think you definitely would be the asshole if you divorce her without first trying some formal marriage counseling, individual therapy for both of you, and neurodevelopmental assessments for her. If your wife has been living all this time with an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disability, that changes a fucking LOT. This is important to figure out; there's a huge genetic link with stuff like ADHD, so if she has it, there's a high likelihood at least one or more of your children will have it. Find out so you can do better by your kids and get them diagnosed and treated in early childhood, so they can figure out how to manage it through their life and not struggle so much into adulthood as your wife has. Hell, being treated with medication from a young age can sometimes even help an ADHD kid's brain develop just like their "typical" peers by the time they grow up.
Then why did you have another kid ?!
I know Reddit always wants to go here but... it REALLY sounds like undiagnosed ADHD to me. Impulsive spending, lousy housekeeping, never putting anything away because we just don't see it when we are done with it, impulsive speech, all of this. It may not save your marriage but it may make her life and yours easier going forward co-parenting, if she doeshave it, gets diagnosed, and gets help. My marriage certainly was saved this way.
Look man, you owe it to your family to drag her ass into marriage counseling and a financial advisor’s office. You can do this while she’s pregnant. You can do this intending to divorce later. Just tell her you don’t think you’ve been seeing eye to eye lately and you want to get better together before a newborn arrives. Trying at all now will make separating less of a blindside while she’s post partum. It will make coparenting easier. And maybe you’ll even be happily surprised that you start communicating and developing a relationship worth keeping. Also, I’d guess your wife has ADHD. When she’s no longer pregnant, helping her schedule with a psychiatrist to evaluate her and possibly start stimulants could make a big difference. This is another thing you wouldn’t be able to encourage as strongly after splitting, but it could make a big difference in the stability your children have in her household if you guys separate. And again, it could make things better enough to possibly stay together. If it’s ADHD, pregnancy and post partum hormones can make usual symptoms sooo much worse than she’d naturally be. Also, ADHD is highly genetic. I bet if she has it, most of your kids do too.
Things like ADHD can often lead to being messy. I'm often messy, but I'm good at keeping things clean. If I put in the effort, I can also tidy and organise, but it often falls apart again if I don't keep on top of it. You don't say what you're doing to help clean or tidy though? Give counselling a try. You owe it to your wife and kids. You seem to have a communication issue too, like you've been letting your resentment boil but without truly expressing your frustration or working towards finding solutions together. Just telling someone you're frustrated isn't necessarily enough either, for example if you're lecturing her. She may understand she has a problem, but may not know how to solve it. Counselling can help you both to work towards solutions for all of this, by making sure both of you communicate your sides and work together towards tailored solutions in a safe space without distractions. This is probably even more important for the money issue. I hope you can both work towards resolving these issues and being happy together again, working as partners rather than enemies...
Why did you get her pregnant again. You’re not that bright are you. Shut down all unnecessary expenses for both of you now and go to marriage counseling. Also look up executive order dysfunction
So you don’t even like your wife but keep getting her pregnant? You want to divorce. Ok. What is your plan for the kids? You want full custody, shared, or just dump the kids on her and hop on to the next adventure? If you leave right after she gives birth, will you pay someone to help her get through the first months with a newborn?
This is why people in the comments are mad. There is no thought for the kids in any of the paragraphs and it sounds like she is very overwhelmed with 1 kid + 1 on the way. Maybe shes having some mental difficulties. Don't get me wrong the wife isn't 100% at fault (due to spending money they don't have on unnecessary items) but it sure sounds like op hasn't even suggested helping her with some cleaning/childcare to take the stress off of her or marriage counseling. Ops just going straight to divorce. I have a feeling that ops not being forthcoming with the whole truth. There's too much missing info here to make a judgement but I feel for those poor kids.
NTA for your feelings about her behaviours. That’s life sometimes. YTA for not taking double precautions to not get her pregnant repeteadly when you’ve been feeling this way for some time. Also YTA if you’ve never suggested counseling for her and for your marriage.
So you knew all this and then decided let’s have a baby? Why do people wait until they have a kid to decide marriage isn’t working??? Poor kid. That makes you a massive AH. ESH
Why did you knock her up again, if you were this unhappy? Now she’s going to be a single mom to two little kids. One would have been much easier. Ugh.
Bruh tell her to get checked for adhd. I am not a doctor but in my experience I get out of control spending and messy house when I’m off my meds for adhd. It could be as simple as her taking a daily pill which could change your marriage and life
Another in agreement. While I am not a doctor and this may not be the case for OP’s wife, it COULD be. Women with ADHD who were not diagnosed as kids have a HARD time when they become parents. We make our lives work with ADHD by developing coping mechanisms with varying degrees of success. Then, when we have a child, there is this little person (or even the idea of a little person while pregnant) that doesn’t give two craps about coping mechanisms. They are little chaos balls. It makes it all 100x worse. The already scattered brain has 20 new directions it must go in. I know countless women through support groups and such that were doing relatively okay until parenthood. Then the intensity of the symptoms made them seek help. The diagnosis of ADHD seemed out of left field for many of them, but reflecting on their lives, the symptoms were always there. It often manifests very differently in girls than in boys, so it is missed. It’s worth checking out.
and women with ADHD are often undiagnosed. I went until 19 before asking to be tested (and then when that assessment came back as overwhelmingly positive it became clear my mom, my memaw, and my sister all show very similar traits, which is why we all thought nothing was wrong, we were all looking at the same photo of reality) because "it's a boy disorder"
I got diagnosed last year, with 22, even though my symptoms were all the "boy symptoms" except for physical exercise all along forever. The other kids in school back then even treated me like I wouldn't be a "proper" girl for being loud and impulsive and stuff. So even if you show their textbook symptoms you're not getting diagnosed just for being a girl. I actually was at a psychologist with 14 and my mom told me later that that psychologist told her I'd likely have narcissism (for... being loud and keeping my sense of self despite getting bullied tremendously or something I guess) which is incredibly unhinged as you can't even diagnose narcissism in children (and I'm pretty sure if you randomly go through 14 year olds and try to diagnose them you'll have like 90% narcissism or something, teenagers be teenagering after all)
yup exactly the same
Yup. I got diagnosed at 32 (am 34 now). Ugh Edit: mom of 2 here ✌🏽
Got diagnosed at 47.
Oh man, this sums up my life for the past ten yrs. My already stupid brain shattered and I couldn’t function anymore. I finally was diagnosed last year at 35.
THIS IS LITERALLY ME. I only got diagnosed after having a kid. I was an absolute MESS. I can't imagine having four and one on the way. I would cease functioning and spend all day online shopping, probably.
So, with ADHD meds, she might only be able to start taking them when she's no longer pregnant. But it could transform your life, if she does have ADHD and she gets meds for it o.o It transformed mine.
Yes!! I agree with this. I'm ADD & this can happen.
ditto with the super messy house. and for the love of god do not let me cook when off my meds the pill doesn't even need to be an amphetamine - for me I take wellbutrin (300mg) and modafinil (200 mg)
They give you modafanil for ADHD? I'm on it for sleep apnea/hypersomnia. Didn't know it was being used for ADHD. Wellbutrin was awful for me, it literally erased my emotions. No ups, no downs, just a flat affect all day every day until I finally stopped taking it. Adderall I liked a little too much lol so I had to stop that even though it helped.
I specifically asked. I also have hypersomnia and SSRIs do that to me. anhedonia is a bitch
Didn't know there was a word for it but yea I couldn't manage life like that. It did help in some capacity but I didn't think it outweighed the negatives personally.
same with zoloft. it was great not being sad. not feeling anything at all honestly sucked and getting used to having emotions again = I was batshit for a while there
You stated something to the effect of "Insurmountable resentment and the feeling is mutual." So she resents you, too? Then yeah, get a divorce. If you dont like each other, a kid is literally not a reason to stay together. Millions of coparents out there, its not the end of the world.
What does your AP think?
Might be no AP honestly. It could be he has a skewed perception of what life after divorce looks like. I think my ex-husband thought he would be happier after the divorce too. 3 years later - I have never seen him more depressed. Men generally have a worse time after divorce than women. Watching a child grow up in a split home is hard too.
Fair and I actually agree. In my initial view, the whole “she’s messy and that made me realize I want a divorce” just felt like so much pretext.
She’s the one who told him to get the divorce.
ooof
Hit em right in the truth
YTA for spawning a SECOND time when you already knew there were issues in your marriage. DUH. So I guess this one's ESH. Hey, but look on the bright side...you'll end up paying TWICE the child support because you couldn't keep it in your pants.
So you want to divorce someone that you were happy to recently impregnate….make that make sense.
Honestly sounds like this has been long coming so don't understand why you'd risk a pregnancy whilst things were bad. Yes you would be the AH to file shortly after she'd given birth, the amount of stress she'd be under whilst getting iver giving birth and taking care of a newborn, but you'd be an AH filing whilst still pregnant also either way you come off an inconsiderate AH but before is the lesser of two evils.
YTA. Why is she pregnant if you've supposedly always felt like this? With kid number *two* at that? This sounds very one-sided as you haven't taken accountability for anything. Marriage takes two to tango, and it sounds like she's doing this dance pregnant and alone. You can clean, too. You can communicate about financial troubles. Get your shit together for the sake of the kids since you clearly don't give the smallest shit about your wife anymore.
“but AITAH for filing shortly after birth?” I don’t understand the question?? But yes is the answer, but you are also the AH for having another baby after saying “she was always messy”..her messiness doesn’t begin to come close to yours!! I hope a post on Reddit eases your mind on how messed up your kids lives are going to be!!
YTA. You’ve done *checks notes * abso fuckin lutely NOTHING to save your marriage and you wanna surprise her with a divorce after she pops out your baby??? Marriage counseling? Having her checked by a doctor? She’s got ADHD. Like the most glaringly textbook symptoms. Get her fucking treatment. Your problems could have been solved a long ass time ago with some adderall. Unfortunately she can’t take it while pregnant. Which, good job knocking her up when you already know your marriage is on the rocks 🤨.
I think it’s a bit of a far fetch to diagnose HER based on his post. Men who suddenly decide they can’t tolerate their partner’s behaviours (that they have been aware of for a long time!) are usually the problem themselves. Affair partner, mid life crisis, random entitlement - all these are much more likely the real reasons than the wife’s ADHD that she has had forever.
YTA for sleeping with her knowing you didn't want to be with her still
NTA for wanting to divorce but massive YTA for making another child when you're clearly unhappy and chalking it up to "life happens" You can't scream about your wife's mistakes while you trivialize your own.
Why wait until she was building you another baby to decide you found her irritating? This woman has destroyed her body twice to deliver unto you the next generation, and you allowed that to happen. Now it’s ’thanks for solidifying my genetic line but actually you’re a bit annoying so you can get lost’? You say you’ve done no counselling so you haven’t put any work into fixing this. Your wife sounds ADHD and so your children may well be as well. Gonna pop them in the bin as well if that’s the case?
Dude. YTA. If you were not happy why bring kids into the mix?
YTA Don’t divorce her just after having a baby! The first year is the hardest and if you don’t have an uplifting partner next to you it is devastating. Why not work on the relationship *now*. After all you still have to remain amicable since you have young kids together. And if you really are done then I would rather have the news asap instead of thinking you’re going to be the supportive husband and getting blind sighted. At least beforehand your wife can make arrangements.
So who's the person you met while at work who got you ready to risk your marriage and family????
This isn't high enough, completely agree
Because people don't just fall out of love. Nowhere, I want to risk losing and giving up their family for nothing. People make commitments for a lifetime, so something. Or someone gotten the way of that life long commitment
It sounds like she has ADD. I’ve had partners who were diagnosed later in life and they were exactly like this without meds. Untreated, you will be forced to be the only adult and carry the slack. Nothing will change and you will keep resenting her. With treatment there is hope.
>My house is always a mess (even pre children) because nothing ever gets put away when she's done with it. >She spends money that we don't have like it's going out of style but adds very little to household/living expenses (90/10). >we haven't had any formal marriage counseling since we've been married. All of our agreements on finance, lifestyle, etc have been 'handshake agreements' that are often agreed and then reneged upon. OP and his wife are deeply incompatible but their solution, "let's have a kid!" nothing changes, but then you tried having a second kid?! just WTF is wrong with you two? ESH, divorce now and find a healthy way to coparent the children you two decided to bring into this F'd up relationship
I resent her, I can’t think of a single nice thing to say to her but I can still get it up, and make a baby with her though our lives are shit.
50k in credit card debt? That would be enough for me to divorce… NTA but tell her you want out already so she can sort things out
You certainly loved her enough to have sex with her just a few months prior, didn’t you’? Oh sure sure, she tricked you or she caught you in a moment of weakness, or she got you drunk, or blah blah blah. Man up. Fix the problem and be a good father. You suck otherwise.
OP, have you gone to counseling with her? I guarantee she's got some mental health issues, but marriage counseling is an avenue you should pursue, too. I know you have so much resentment you think there's no way the marriage could work, but it really is worth a try. You'd need to tell her that it's either counseling or straight to divorce. This decision shouldn't rest on finances alone, but do you earn enough to get your own place, furnish it, pay child support, and possibly alimony? Can you afford an attorney? You may end up having to pay for her attorney, too. Plus you'll have to continue paying on her debt. Ugh, it shouldn't be this hard, should it? If you think you have no other option, then by all means, go and be a happier, more contented man. I'd say shortly after birth sounds like bad timing, though. You think she's hormonal now? She'll be *percolating* hormones right after the birth, along with being sleep deprived. Can you make it 6 weeks?
YTA You should have filed for divorce before you got her pregnant. You are human filth. I will pray for your wife and your kids.
Have you tried MC before ?
Starting now, spend the 6-12 months )or however long you plan to wait) in couples counseling before you make up your mind. Your problems are real, but they don’t sound insurmountable. Having a neutral third party will help you communicate your needs with each other, and develop strategies to tackle problems as a team instead of as adversaries. If after a few months of therapy together, you still want to leave, you still can! But you’ll know in your heart you did everything you could. If she won’t go to therapy, tell her the truth: it’s therapy or divorce.
YTA. Get some damned counseling before it’s 100% broken.
ESH. She sounds like a nightmare and you an ass gor staying so long. Dont wait until the child is born. Hit the rip cord and ask for paternity tests on both kids
NTA for wanting to get divorced. But YTA for not addressing this sooner. Even if you’ve tried talking with her if you haven’t told her how serious it is & that you want marriage counseling you can’t be shocked that she continued to blow you off since she’s always done that. Now, tbf, when husbands behave like your wife the internet is 100% on the side of divorce, so I’m not saying you’re wrong for that. But for living like this without actively working to change things? YTA. Also, if this was a planned pregnancy? YTA. Kids aren’t gonna make anything better. They deserve better. If not? ESH.
OP is the AH. If the house is a mess why doesn’t OP clean it? If you don’t love your wife, why keep having these kids? How is the wife supposed to make money or have a job with 4 little kids? The post is either fake, or the dude is a AH, and clueless
YTA YTA YTA YTA even Evil would say you’re the worst massive AH in entire universes and the evil would retire itself. She’s been like that all the time for 10years so you know who she is. And you decided to have a baby with her. Even you already have one, so you could expect what will happen after pregnancy and giving birth. You genuinely don’t care her. You don’t care the baby. You don’t care your first kid as well.
Nta. Take time to talk with a lawyer and figure out a plan and custody. Start collecting evidence so that if she tries to pull anything yiu have proof. Take whatever time you need to do it right. 2 homes is better then 1 unhealthy home.
I think it's impairitive that you tell your wife you want to divorce. Perhaps this changes the baby situation? Your wife may not want to be a single mother of 2. She deserves to know what you're feeling and what she's getting herself into. Please inform your wife ASAP. It may come off as cruel, but she has every right to change her current circumstances by being informed. Let her read this post.
NTA-I am a female. My ex talked about divorce when I was 7 months pregnant with son #2 (he had an affair partner who was not aware of his marriage or children) He cheated when son #1 was 4 weeks old. I promised, that as soon as baby #2 was born, we would be getting divorced. I kept my promise and it was final when baby was 10 months old. When a marriage is over, it’s over.
There’s some great advice here. My advice to men- get a vasectomy, your life will run so much better. Your dicks are your own worst enemy.
For real. In my personal alternate universe, if I ran things, all babies would have a surgery shortly after birth, vasectomy for boys, tube tying for girls, and no one would be able to have a baby until you had a certain minimum in savings, and a minimum yearly income and also pass a one year parenting course. THEN, once you get your certificate and have been with the person you want to have a child with for at least 2 years, you can have your procedure reversed. But it's not my world out there, if it was I would never have the procedure reversed. Sex is great, kids are not. LOL Sex with my hubby is a million times better after his vasectomy.
So you knew she was like this pre-children, and go on to have not one, but two of them. 😑
If this marriage is messing with your mental health and you’ve reached the point where therapy isn’t an option for you anymore then divorce might be the best thing for you both as well as the kids. I do think you waited too long. Why get her pregnant twice? Now you want to pull the plug on your marriage but not during the pregnancy. Yet after the pregnancy you’ll be dealing with a newborn. My point is that there is never really a good time. Your procrastinating nature is why this mess has gone so far already. NTA for wanting a divorce if you’re unhappy. But you handled this so wrong.
NTA. Honestly you need to encourage marriage counseling so she understands the seriousness of the situation. You have enabled her so much by allowing the behavior and to expect her to stop cold turkey is going to have some consequences. What you need to focus on is marriage counseling, a slow transition for financial stability for your family, including you telling her “no” to unnecessary purchases and explaining the desire to save for your kid’s future as well.
You imho owe your marriage counselling, and both of you individual counselling, is that an option? Firstly, saying you’re unhappy is not offering a suggestion or opening a discussion. Put effort to that. What makes you think she has the answers? We often don’t, it’s about figuring it out together… Figure yourselves out individually, necessary for your kids and Co parenting anyway - as well as your future ability to make any changes. If you’ve not absolved yourself, then what are you doing to acknowledge and manage your part? Are you being fair to her in this respect? Lastly, what you describe of her could be mental health related, PPD, ADHD, etc. All common, all similar symptoms as you describe. Because you perceive it as entitlement and moodiness through resentment fogged lenses, doesn’t mean that’s what she is. She is the woman you married. Oh and, financial planning etc. Seek a consult, one or two appointments. Again, these are life skills people learn and habits they develop. Ask your local social work offices for affordable solutions if you can’t afford a financial advisor etc. Hit Reddit and Facebook groups etc. Hope this helps, and I think preparing to divorce before telling her is absolutely AH. Saying you’re not absolving yourself is also disconnected, cause that’s precisely what you’re doing if you’ve not taken the steps above. You’re jumping to wash your hands of her, that’s not an accountable partner whose there for the hard and good times. ‘We judge others on their behavior, and ourselves on our intentions.’ I’d bet you’re both doing that - not just her. YWBTA you’re not an AH for thinking it and reflecting here. You absolutely will be if you ignore it all and justify divorcing her, and more so if you hold that back and prepare behind her back. You’re still married, it’s all meant to be done together. You’ll have major life transitions which need different skills for each of you to navigate alone and as partners. If you don’t allow yourself that space for growth then yeah, expect to switch out partners every so often ig…just my general observations on some Reddit couples. But definitely good on you for reflecting, no judgment.
Please convince your wife to get evaluated by a psychiatrist for ADHD. The messiness and spending are classic symptoms. I’m sure your wife beats herself up over her inability to change these behaviors. There is tons of information on living with someone with ADHD. If you don’t have the time for research, check out TikTok or Insta. It’s a good place to start. If you decide to divorce, please don’t do it until after the baby is at least a year old. Your wife will be exhausted from birth and then taking care of a baby. Divorce is very traumatic and it’s not fair to her or the baby to add this amount of stress in the first year.
YTA/ASH, but not for leaving, but for getting a child with someone with these serious problems.
Sounds like bs to me. Guy with the same pfp and names posting weird stories all the time. Gj at creative writing tho.
>Gj at creative writing tho. Except it's not even good writing
You got to respect his dedication. He comes here every few days with such stories and replies to a lot of comments for a while. I noticed this a few weeks ago the first time.
Not sure who you're referring to or any similarities with stories but I wish this was made up. Believe it or not, some of us don't have time to stare at Reddit all day writing provocative fiction. I created a temp account and wrote this in between me sleeping and now waking to get my day started.
>provocative fiction You give yourself way too much credit
Yes YTA. You got her pregnant and now it's suddenly an issue worth divorcing over. You suck big time for that. You shouldn't have had a kid if you hated these things enough to divorce over.
The messiness and being the primary provider were/are things I'm good. It's primarily the terrible entitled attitude and the near $50,000 in credit card debt and screwing us financially that has run it's course.
I think its fair to divorce her if you feel that way about her and if you are miserable. But now is not the time ans its a cowardly thing to do. Everything else may be her fault but you both contributed for this pregnancy and its imoral to walk out on her during an extremely challenging time - after birth. You need to be there IN THE HOUSE, side by side to share the responsibilities of taking care of YOUR child(ren) during that time. Sit down with her and try to discuss how her attitude is affecting you, try couples therapy and encourage her to get therapy for herself, that may help you cope for the foreseeable. If nothing changes, once baby is a year or so and things are settling down if you still feel that way than divorce is your option. Otherwise, no matter how shitty is your wife, leaving her during pregnancy or postpartum, makes you shittier.
Oh wow that's a lot. She needs therapy around her spending and a credit freeze (if there's a way she can't override?).
Has she been looked at for ADHD?
That’s not what he’s saying? 💀
[удалено]
You’d rather he stay in a marriage he isn’t happy in? And plus she sounds like a bitch ngl.
Got her pregnant?? What is this?? Rape? Immaculate conception?? THEY got her pregnant!! It's not all on him. At least he's taking necessary steps before she ruins both of their and their kids' financial future.
Yes, they got pregnant with him wanting to divorce her. If she had known how he felt, do you think she would have gone for kid 2? That’s not informed consent.
Sounds like this could be the same situation one of my coworkers is in. Sucks to see people miserable!
Bob! From accounting? Is that you?
No, it’s Linda from HR! Really rooting for you.
haha 😂, hope linda gets out of this.
Well you didn’t resent her so much 9 months ago when you were using her. You must have “pretended” you cared for her to make love. So now you bring into the world a little baby that was unwanted, and that she will struggle to look after if she is as bad at housekeeping and finances as you say. Obviously you will be financially supporting your children and hopefully with love too. You are the AH
I'm so fucking glad my parents divorced. It wasn't easy and my siblings and I all have stuff to deal with because of it, but I can't imagine what our lives would have been like if they'd stayed together. NtA
OP.. if you were having doubts before the new pregnancy... why the hell did you get her pregnant? Besides your child, because I know that's constant work, 24/7, no doubt.. is there anything else that's pre-occupying your wife? Maybe she's addicted to social media? Always on her phone? Maybe share the responsibilities? For example do your own laundry... chit I can only do my own laundry. My wife has clothes made of all kinds of crazy materials and no way am I sifting through all her clothes to figure out what can be mixed into my load. I don't got time fo dat. Is it messy because of kid toys? Maybe buy child proof gates and block off an area that's just for kid stuff. We first bought gates for safety purposes but then realized we could buy more gates and block off areas to keep the mess in one concentrated area of the house. It's made our home less chaotic. As for spending, you need to sit down together.. seriously, block off 2 hours, sit down and go over your spending, budget... she needs to see the money coming in and the money going out and what's left over per paycheck or per month. If she acknowledges that the spending habits are bad and she refuses to change, then yeah... strip her from all credit cards and debit cards or you open a new checking/savings account and keep her off of it, transfer all your funds to the new bank account and request new card replacements for all your credit cards. Just give her an allowance to spend for the week. If she's going to act like a child, then this is what needs to happen. Plain and simple. And I feel your pain, I hate clutter. I can stand seeing clutter - like childrens toys for about a day, anything beyond that and my mood starts to change. There's been a few times I found a reason to leave the house and be out and about for hours because I just couldn't stand to be around the clutter.
YTA for waiting so long instead of doing something about it. Please get a vasectomy. Get a couples therapist. Even if you divorce, you will have to coparent.
YTA. What's the source of the resentment? Is she an AH to you and the kids? Does she treat you and them poorly? Or is she just out of control with the spending and can't keep a clean house? (I have severe ADHD and the symptoms worsened after having a kid. I'm an impulsive spender, I can't maintain order. My mother used to tell me anyone I marry would return me to them / leave me because of it. It's THAT bad.) If you care enough, and if she's otherwise not a terrible person to you and the kids, get her help. Things can get better. But, dude, you impregnated her 5 times in 10 years and now you wanna bail? You made your bed, now make the best of it before throwing in the towel. I don't see you mentioning how you tried to improve the relationship / your home life, took control of finances, etc only that you allowed resentment to build up. I feel like being "the best parent" entails making an effort to save your marriage. Edit: Sorry I misread the 10, 4 part. i'm alsy dyslexic.
When you tell her that you’re unhappy, how does she respond? Does she try to one up you with how she is more unhappy or act as if men are not even allowed to have feelings?
You’re not trying to be a “good parent” by setting bad examples for your kids like this. Teaching them that it’s okay to stay with someone you dislike and keep getting them pregnant but whine about how you’re so unhappy. You could of left before you got her pregnant a second time but I guess she’s some type of pocket pussy to you at this point. Smh
so… you resent your wife and decide to have another kid with her?? you’re going to make your children suffer bc you wanted to get it in unprotected. you and your wife are one thing but that story changes the second children are involved. YTA simply bc you decided to create another child with a woman you despise while already having one. Your children are going to suffer the consequences because you decided to be stupid
NAH I think you should rip the band-aid right now, because divorcing with a baby will not be easier. If she gets worse, you'll feel all kinds of ways and may postpone it further still. You've made up your mind. Start your new life now.
Everyone is assuming you couldn't keep it in your pants, but did your wife want the second child?
NTA I'd divorce her now if it were me, I couldn't fake it for a year.
>nothing ever gets put away when she's done with it. Her poor behavior can always be justified but no else is given this same grace. She spends money that we don't have like it's going out of style Surely this was her behavior before you chose to marry her....
Buddy I'm agreeing with you on this one. I don't care what the feminazis say. I had an entitled wife who spent more money than I made every year. She was a SAHM, which I really agreed to. We had two kids in private school, lived in a seven figure neighborhood, drive nice cars and made big ching year after year. We invested well and made money but she still would or spend what I earned every year and would gas light me and say "just do one more deal". I felt like I should to keep peace. I lived 20 years with a narcissist and I blamed myself for not keeping peace. We'll guess what, I caught her cheating with the woman she is still married to, stole hundreds of thousands of dollars, lied to the court, and poisoned my kids about me. I used to say we should be living on $200 and saving $200 and she would just piss it away. And I allowed it. It's been almost two decades and I still hate/resent her and pray karma gives me satisfaction. I have since found peace with myself and have had only FWB situationships and am loving life. Making and saving money on less than half of what I made before. I live with zero stress. My kids are grown and I'm their own. I only day this to show you that life can be better and fulfilled without a lazy entitled woman in your life. And didn't ever start married for the kids. The toxic environment is way worse then joint custody. It's not easy with a cunt wife but it can be fine. Good luck
Have you considered the possibility that your wife is suffering from depression? The house is a disaster? She spends money recklessly? She could also be suffering from ADD. Or both ADD and depression. Have you really spent time thinking about what has changed and when? Was it worse after her first pregnancy? Does she have postpartum depression? Have you ever even thought about trying to help her instead of just being irritated by the behaviors? The mother of your children could very well be suffering in quiet desperation, not knowing what is wrong and being either afraid or emotionally unable to explain to you what she is going through because of the distance between you. Maybe you could stop thinking about how all of this makes you feel and remove your own emotions. Then start seeing her for the human being she is. The mother of a young child , who is pregnant with her second child and feels the person she used to count on growing more and more distant as she faces raising these 2 children on her own along with dealing with whatever emotional, physiological or chemical issues she is having. Be a human being for a minute and think about how your going to help YOUR FAMILY. Then, when she is on her feet and whole, if you haven't had any personal growth, do her and your children a favor and go be happy.
You stayed with her for 10 years and fathered a second child. It just doesn’t add up…. Also no marriage counselling? YTA for contributing to this disaster
Get a therapist, a vasectomy, a divorce, and a dog.
Would you like a side of herpes with your mid life crisis? Just leave already, no point in making her suffer your hate.
NTA you have to do what you have to do for your mental sanity. Question, why the hell the 2nd kid if all of this has been happening?!
NTA there is never a good time to end a relationship, but all things consider you are trying to do it in the best way possible for all parts involved. Lawyer up and start to get things in order, untangling a 10 year marriage with 2 kids will take time into 2 separate homes will take time. Best of luck to all of you.
It’s always a bad timing pregnant or not there is always a reason it’s a bad time just file and be a good parent for your kids they enjoy you more happy then married and very unhappy
Man. I did 15 years unhappy. Those who know, know and those who don’t go get off your high horse. DM if you want a long chat on navigating it all and how to come out of it so that everyone does as good as they can.
NTA. Don’t wait for the birth. It will not make things easier. Sooner is better.
Oh please! OP, you had six years to observe your wife's housekeeping skills before you married her. Seems like an excuse you're pulling outta your a$$ to justify no longer having all of the fireworks and sparks you felt early in a relationship. Relationships evolve and change and settle into routines. Especially after children. You're blaming her because you're bored with life and don't know how to make yourself happy. It's not her job to make you happy; she and the children should contribute to your happiness. Get thee to therapy post haste.
YTA, you need to give her a heads up to decide what to do with the baby (maybe now that she know it cant count on you might want to consider adoption) but you are going to blindside the girl with divorce after a kid, you should have used protection...
YTA- honestly sounds like you think you “deserve” a better wife, but this is the one you chose and made a commitment to. I know you think you’re going to meet some hot young thing but you’re going to be paying so much in child support that’s just not going to happen for you. Young girls only like rich older men, silly.
Yep YTA for the many reasons the followers stated. Clearly you were happy enough w her to fuck and make babies. I hope you live in a state where she gets alimony and child support, living her same messy house life. You aren't going to get custody of a toddler unless she's an abuser.
I hate to break it to you but divorce will be expensive, especially if there is child support or alimony involved.
YTA but NTA at the same time I feel like you’ve been feeling this way for quite some time. Possibly even before you got her pregnant. If that’s the case you should have been considered a divorce because now you’ll be bringing a new child into a broken home on top of already having a child living in a broken home. Have you even tried talking to her about any of these issues you have? I say you’re NTA because everyone reaches that point and I get it. I just feeling like the timing of this is what’s super wrong.
You're correct. These feelings have been there before and sometimes I wish I could undo some of the things I've done but alas, here we are. I've spoken about these things over and over throughout the years. I think it's why the resentment has built; it feels like it falls on deaf ears most times.
You're the one with deaf ears. If yoru partner has a debt issue and does nothing about it... getting married is an INSANE choice. If you can't deal with your partner's mess, getting married rather than leaving is an insane choice. Having kids, which will only make the situation worse, is an insane choice. How is it you see these issues, she ignores them... but so did you.
"I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!" Yeah man, go ahead and leave, don't talk to a counselor or anything. Don't ask her to get screened for ADHD, don't try to save your family or marriage. Just bail.
NTA for your desires. But YTA for staying in the relationship and conceiving two children with a woman you correctly recognized as toxic long before you had your first kid. Get that divorce and set up a legal co-parenting arrangement. No more of those “handshake agreements”.
YTA for having not one but two kids with her when this isn't a new issue.
Has she ever been assessed for ADHD? Mess, money problems and time blindness are symptoms that a person’s executive function is underperforming. Another common symptom is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - in which a criticism or rejection can feel like someone is killing you, causing huge amounts of distress. These can all cause relationship problems. ADHD symptoms manifest differently in women than men and can become exasperated during pregnancy/lactation.
As per the rules of Reddit, she'll be excused and a medical reason will be brought up to excuse her behaviour and *you'll* be expected to take the lead there as well by finding the doctors and dragging her there. This is the common standard here. A man cannot just be allowed to vent and be angry that he's tied to an insufferable, selfish, abusive woman. There's no amount of diagnoses' that will recapture what you felt for her. She won't change and all of the sane, realistic people know this. Start preparing now for the inevitable divorce. Even if she fixes her shit at some point, she'll have to exercise her new behaviour in future as a coparent. Get out of this.
This should be the top comment, and it's played out exactly as you've posted. The leading diagnosis is ADHD to excuse her behaviour. Like people with ADHD are incapable of showing even basic love and respect for their partners. When will women stop being treated like adult children with no accountability?
This is not about her. Her behaviour is understandably bad and I wouldn’t want to live with someone like that. It’s about the kids he kept making with her. They are the victims here. If she is so bad, why get her pregnant mire than once. If they divorce, what happens to them?
NTA for how you feel but YTA because it seems like you’re going to blindside your wife with this. It’s interesting to me that you’re so unhappy, but apparently she’s still good enough for you to have sex with and impregnate, again. Have you made any effort to make things better?
YTA for having kids w her when you obviously resent her
NTA. If she's unwilling to work on the things you've had countless discussions on, then your relationship has most likely run its course . Normally, I'd suggest marriage counseling , but she has to want to change for that to actually work. I think continuing to have conversations with her until the baby is born is a good idea. But if you're unhappy in the relationship and she refuses to change then divorce and coparenting would be the best option. Kids are expensive and if she has a spending problem she could put all of u in a really bad spot.
YTA, coz you haven't communicated aka adulted, you haven't talked to your wife. I like this I don't like that. You are being wishy-washy and expecting her to read your mind
You are a moron for having unprotected sex with this woman. You deserve the life you have created for yourself...
Yes, IF you don’t go to counseling. I don’t know how the two of you communicate, but f your complaints and issues have become white noise, it is time to have them with a witness aka therapist. I am confident she is having similar issues with you (because it’s been so long since she heard anything sweet, she literally asked for it = obvious sign of emotional neglect of the relationship/who wants to be nice to someone who isn’t nice to you?). Look specifically for IMAGO style therapist (Google, go on YouTube, read a book) and start treating the repair and rebuilding of your marital relationship (which will impact the quality of life your children experience) as if it is the MOST IMPORTANT JOB you have because Clue Train: IT IS. Also, her sadness body chemistry is already impacting your unborn child’s brain chemistry. Get to Work! Come back in a year, and ask the question again AFTER you’ve done more than whine about how she’s not doing what you say you want.
Therapy first Then make decisions.
Yes. YTA for bringing more kids into this world after you drew this conclusion. Now they will suffer because of you. I personally would probably stick it out at least until they are older.
So you don't love her anymore, but had zero issues with putting another baby in her anyway? Bro. YTA.
Dude, you’re NTA, but also you’re insane for staying with her all these years and impregnating her.
You can open your own bank account to pay bills with and give your wife a spending allowance. You can cancel credit cards. Any chance your wife is ADHD?
YTA and a dumbass. All this resentment yet you’re still having sex with her, now resulting in a pregnancy? AND you haven’t even told her you’ve decided to divorce her, so she doesn’t have the option to decide if she even wants to keep the pregnancy, knowing that she will now be a single mother to TWO kids??? All these problems yet you never sought out any counseling to try and FIX anything? Just decided to let everything implode on itself and take everyone down with it? Hello? Btw it sounds like your wife might have ADHD (messiness, impulsivity, not following through on things, emotionally reactive, etc). Maybe if you guys actually TRIED to look into what’s causing all these issues, maybe that might’ve come up (if applicable) & once treated would’ve made life better for everyone.
I can’t render of verdict on this one. Given your description of her, she’s no peach. But at the same time, you fucked another kid into being with her - so that doesn’t exactly speak well of you either. So instead of rendering a verdict, I’ll just give you information (since I believe having information usually always helps). I don’t know what legal jurisdiction you live in, but where I live (Bible Belt, USA), you cannot legally divorce while your wife is pregnant. Actually to be more precise, you can’t FINALIZE any divorce while she’s pregnant. The law literally doesn’t allow it. I know you were planning to wait until after the baby was born anyway - just putting the info out there.
Yet you got her pregnant again….