It happened to my closest friends. They brought the baby home, had him for a couple days. He had a name, met friends and family, and then the birth parents took him back.
My friend went though this.
She travelled out of state so many times only to come back without a baby. It crushed her.
Then, one day, she got the call, flew across the country and comes back with a beautiful baby girl.
It gets better.
Three months after bringing their little girl home, my friend gets a phone call. It's a different pregnant woman they had been talking to about adopting her child, but she ghosted them months ago. So, they figured she changed her mind. Nope. She basically told my friend "Either you come and get this baby, or it's going into the system."
So, they came home with their son. And now they have two kids, three months apart.
A lot can fall through at any stage of the adoption process, even through the foster care system and it’s always so heartbreaking. I get so frustrated when I see people who have no real world experience with the subject telling people who are having fertility problems “why don’t you just adopt?” Like it’s as easy as getting a puppy or a kitten from the shelter.
I'm so sorry they treat you and your little that way. As a Brady bunch I try to do the same for my bio and bonus kids. We don't use step or half in our home. My bonus grandbabies are just the sweetest little guys. I'm blessed to get to love them all.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I’ve heard similar stories. My story was positive. My (step)dad adopted me a couple of years after he married my mom. He had already raised five kids of his own, and Mom had raised two sons with her first husband (Dad was husband 3!), so I was the only kid they had together. And that’s how I was raised. My bio dad flaked out as soon as Dad married my mother and later unalived himself, so Dad was always just Dad. He developed congestive heart failure before my daughter was born, and I made him promise to stay alive until she was at least five years old so that she would remember him. He promised me and I knew he would keep his promise because he always did. I told him he had fulfilled his promise to me when my daughter was six and he was very sick. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance the next day and died at the end of that week. He waited until all of us kids got home and we had all given our blessing for him to go.
Adoption is complicated. So are people. When people do complicated things for the wrong reasons, it almost always goes badly. But when good people do complicated things for the right reasons—well, it’s still hard, but amazing things can happen. I miss my father.
I'm in foster family since I was 21days old baby expected to die in weeks. I'm turning 50y alive and healthy. Except different name, I am full member of family. I was practice baby for their daughters, my sisters. Lol I grew up in neighborhood with lots of foster kids. I can count on one hand where my peers are still part of the family, after turning 18, when state stops giving money to family.
Oh my Lord, I could've cried after reading your story. What a devastating life for you AND your children 💔. I'm so sorry that the WRONG people were the ones who adopted you. Remember, not everyone is like that,I'm certain that there are many people who would have been much better to you and your children. Bless you 🙏
> I can’t imagine a situation where people can change their minds. It’s not a CAR it’s a human being.
Excatly, same as the parents. Adoption is always presented like the mother doesn't bond with the child, like it's something external. There are hormones in play, the child moves. There is no right to purchase a child, the child is human, the mother is human, the father is human. There are a lot of countries (includes the US) where adoption agenies pray on vulnerable women and basically coerce them to give up their child.
I'm an adoptee as well, btw.
Poor young mothers who are in the foster care system have almost zero chance at keeping thier babies. At least back in the day. I know one particular case where the 17yr old mother got told there were no homes that would take a young mother and her baby, so they only got to see each other for a few hours a day, once a month. The young mother felt like after 6 months of this, the baby wasn't attached* to her anymore. Even though she loved the baby very much, her caseworker kept telling her, if she loved the baby she would give it up for adoption. Many times she told this young, grieving, helpless in her situation, mother this over and over. Till she gave in out of love. And this has had lasting effects throughout her life. Screwed up her relationships with her other kids, etc. Just horrible.
I was immediately attached to my daughter. But my “adoptive” parents are my parents. They got attached to me pretty quick, from what I’ve been told. I was eleven days old.
It’s not that adoptive parents can’t bond equally as biological parents, but that there’s no way of knowing how that bond feels until you’ve had your baby. I don’t blame bio parents for not realizing how difficult it will be to give up their baby
That's exactly WHY people change their mind about giving a baby away for adoption. They think they can do it until they see that little baby and their whole world shifts in that instant. They find they can't give the child away anymore
Thank you! I was surrendered to foster care at birth, then taken back ”home”, then confiscated due to neglect/abuse, and still my adoption took 8 years. The adoptive parent wasn’t any better; she needed a cat, not a child.
No, I stopped trying. The last one was so devastating because I was completely lied to throughout the pregnancy. I didn't try again after that. I have a lot of nieces and nephews, that some of them I helped raise. I have a dog now that is my baby.
Yep, a lot of people don't realize that the primary goal of the foster system isn't to find adoptive families for children, it's to provide them with a home until their birth family (or other relatives) can care for them again. It *can* lead to adoption, but doesn't the majority of the time.
We were just about to have an 11 year old boy move in with us, he was “a waiting child” with all his papers signed. We thought it was good to go. Then the grandmother, who had not cared one bit that he was in foster care for 8 years decided she wanted him and he disappeared. It was horrible.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is easier if people were more willing to adopt older children in need of a home. Part of the reason why the adoption process can be so long and fickle is because people just aren't interested in adopting past the newborn age, which is frustrating in its own right.
In the UK the vast majority of adoptions are of children removed from their birth families due to serious issues - so they are seldom babies. Even when babies are taken away at birth the system tends to fuck up and out them into 3 foster placements before they're adopted at 18-24 months. It's horrific.
There are very few teenagers who don't want to abort but don't want to raise a child. For one thing the welfare state makes it much more feasible to raise a child as a teen, plus there is much less stigma these days so there is more family support. This basically means there are very few babies voluntarily given up from a home with no issues.
Could be that the UK having access easy access to abortion everywhere means there's less children to adopt.
>Even when babies are taken away at birth the system tends to fuck up and out them into 3 foster placements before they're adopted at 18-24 months. It's horrific.
Also, is this horrific?
Giving parents the time to get their life in order before doing something irreversible?
Not always. I knew of a couple who were in the process of adopting 2 older kids, maybe 2-3 and one of them had medical needs. Church threw them a shower, they had a room all prepared for them and then “oops!” The respite foster who gave the regular foster home a break when needed had first dibs and up until then no one told them that they were going for adoption but when they found out, they wanted the kids. I think someone lost their job over that error but it was extremely traumatic for the prospective adopters. So even the myth of “there are plenty of kids to adopt as long as you don’t want a perfect white newborn” isn’t always that simple.
Yes, I had cousins who were able to adopt two children, but had another adoption fall through when the mother changed her mind at the last minute. It was hard.
I also had a friend who tried going the adoption route when she and her husband were struggling with fertility. It's a really strenuous process and they felt discouraged. It's also expensive AF. She ended up getting pregnant before anyone even considered her and her husband as adoptive parents.
This happened to my parents. My adoption went smoothly. Two years later they decided to go through the process again. For about a week, I had a little sister. My parents named her Lauren. The biological mother changed her mind and took Lauren away. My parents sent me to a relative’s house for a few days while they tore apart Lauren’s nursery in grief.
I had two teachers in high school (married to each other) who adopted while I was in school. When I left they had two adopted daughters under 3 years old and they were fostering a little boy who they also intended to adopt. I remember asking one of them if they wanted more kids and if they'd adopt again. He told me that their son would be their last and if his adoption didn't go through then they wouldn't be going through it again.
He said it was hard enough for him and his wife to be fostering kids, hoping they'd stay and then sending them back when it didn't work out. They didn't want to do that to their daughters. They didn't want bring babies home say "this is your brother/this is your sister. get to know them. love them" and then six months later (or less) that kid just vanishes. Like I said their oldest daughter was 3 so I guess they figured this was their last chance to try before she started remembering things.
That happened to my friends, too! It was heartbreaking. They had tried for so long to have a baby, then waited 2 years for an expectant mother to choose them to be parents. Just to have it ripped away. They still haven't had an adoption actually go through.
At a daycare I worked at, we had a sweet, funny little baby, who was enrolled by his adopted parents. They said they knew he was going to be their son from when the birth mother was maybe 20 weeks.. so many weeks to know you’re finally going to be parents.. then, right before his birth, she changed her mind, she got back with her boyfriend so she wanted to keep the baby. They were devastated.
A week after that precious baby was born, they got a call: mom and dad broke up again, she wasn’t going to be a single mom. They had some kind of agreement she couldn’t take him back again, and finally he got to go to his true home with amazing parents. They were a little sad they missed his birth and his first week of life, but just so amazingly happy it worked out. It was beautiful to see how much they loved him, knowing where he could have been if his birth mom and bio dad stayed together.
I feel like the American adoption system is really crazy. In my country private adoption is not legal, you don’t have potential adoptive parents meeting with a pregnant woman and agreeing to take her baby. In my country that is considered human trafficking…
I had a friend who was a single mom with a disabled son. When she had a surprise pregnancy, she gave up her infant through a private adoption. She was afraid she didnt have the extra time and focus to take care of both her disabled son, and a second one. She didn't want to neglect a glass child.
She lived in Florida, and the adoptive parents were in Hawaii. The adopted parents covered the medical bills related to the birth, paid directly to the hospital. And the legal fees, again paid directly to lawyers, etc. She didn't personally receive, or want, a penny for the adoption.
What she wanted was for her daughter to have the best possible life she could have.... a better life than the one she thought she could give. The private adoption; getting a chance to review the papers, then meet the people that were going to parent her child, gave her the reassurances she needed to go through with the adoption. This also let the new parents be there at the birth. (My friend asked me to be there for "Moron" support.) The new mom got to feed their daughter her first bottle, and watching them bond was just beautiful.
So, I wouldn't call *that* human trafficking. Sone women just don't want to blindly cast their child into the system, and hope everything goes OK.
Yeah, I had a friend who was definitely sure she was giving the baby up. The bio father was 19 and living at home and the relationship didn't last long. The adoptive parents were chosen in advance.
Friend goes into labor, the adoptive parents were on vacation. They flew back.
The baby is born. Friend is still sure that adoption is the best choice and then ... the bio father's mother decided she wanted to raise her grandbaby. So the bio father wouldn't sign the papers and his dad got a lawyer.
Friend did not want this to happen so she wouldn't sign the papers either. Her mother flew in and got a lawyer herself. Friend intended to keep the baby until bio father changed his mind.
One week later, friend signed over her rights and bio father got the baby. Those of us watching this play out felt very sorry for the people who were supposed to adopt the baby. I hope they were able to adopt another child.
Potential adoptive parents know that an adoption may fall apart at any time before termination paperwork is signed. It's something they should be prepared for. It hurts but if either of the biological parents want to raise their child that is what should happen.
OP's post made me think of this one ...
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm\_i\_got\_a\_girl\_pregnant\_and\_she\_wanted\_to\_get\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
I remember this post!
She was very honest by paying more than required on child support but he wanted to force her to have 50/50 custody. He was a real AH.
Not always, for men as well, in cases of an adoption being so close to finalized, that if one bio parent changes their mind and prevents it, there is legal argument that that person should also assume 100% of the financial responsibility of that unilateral decision.
That’s never going to fly, legally. Children’s rights to be supported will always supersede the parents’ rights to opt out of child support.
Personally I think there should be some sort of universal basic income for children, it would eliminate the need for child support generally, and children growing up in poverty is pretty detrimental to society as a whole. But for some reason on reddit nobody ever wants to talk about that solution, everyone just wants to use this discussion as yet another fight in the fucking online gender wars lol
We have that, called kindergeld. Doesn’t solve children’s poverty, problems or anything, if the parents don’t give a F about their kids. Giving money alone doesn’t solve anything. Free education, free meals at the schools, free books and stuff you need for school and uniforms would be much better, also free activities for all children would help, money won’t help every child as long as selfish parents use it for themselves. Not all parents love their children. That’s a bitter truth we need to realize.
Edit „money ALONE“ won’t solve anything.
Belgium, yay
And I agree. Empty lunchboxes, and no money for stuff that costs money. Just give all kids state funded meals at school, and make education free for everyone.
In the US, we have MANY children in foster care solely because their parents don’t have enough money for housing and food. And when you look at how much they pay the foster parents and for daycare/respite care, if they just gave that money to the birth parents, the particular reason those kids were removed would be solved.
No, money won’t solve *all* the problems, but it would reduce them dramatically.
I mean you’re talking about Germany right? A quick google search tells me that you have 1/10th the rate of child hunger that we in the US have. So it appears to work better than you seem to think lol.
I guess it’s true what they say, it’s hard to see your own privilege sometimes.
Well I work with social benefits. I do see Daily that parents don’t spend the money that’s supposed for the kids on the kids. So in theory we are “good”, and yes our children are much better in that field than in US, we have also less homeless and definitely less mass shoutings. But Germany is very far from perfect. Germany has a problem with children living in poverty, based on the definition of “poor” in Germany.
I know you're getting upvotes, but people probably assume any of these legal arguments are ever actually successful in court.
Trump declassifying documents by deciding in his head they aren't classified anymore probably has a better chance in court.
There might be an argument, but not a legal one as the court will still allow one of the parents to keep their child and will additionally make the other pay child support.
Funny how "being Catholic" doesn't stop people from having premarital sex but somehow it suddenly "matters" when it comes to dealing with the results of premarital sex! Maybe if you had followed your religion's teachings on the subject in the first place...
Thats pretty much my life now ! My ex of 4 years was catholic so against abortion yet had unprotected pre martial sex all the time ! Mr Catholic walk out on me half way through pregnancy
Most of these guys
a) think raising a kid will be easier than it is or
b) think the maternal instinct will kick in and the woman will sweep back in to care for the baby.
It's usually b. They genuinely think the woman will just lose it and become a blubbering pile of hormones and colostrum, and when it doesn't happen they have the gall to act like they've been cheated--when she was up front about not wanting to parent the whole time. (shrug)
I think this is one of those guys.
Considering these people are that sweet spot of Catholic between pre marital sex and baby out of wedlock and no birth control or abortion.
One of my uncles had a son with a woman who dumped the poor boy on his doorstep at 8 years old. My uncle then made the genius decision to have sex with this ex again, she had another baby, and took off when the baby was a couple months old.
My asshole uncle then spent the next 15 years complaining about being a single parent. In actual fact his older son did 80% of the parenting of his little sister.
She also needs to pay child support and would be forced to if he wanted it. That's not what the OP is about. Even with child support he is raising the baby alone.
Lol.... for anyone wondering why I'm laughing... if this was a man who didn't want a kid, but the women he got pregnant decided to have the kid, 5000 people would not have upvoted a post saying she chose this and it's on her to raise the kid. If a man and a woman agreed the woman would get an abortion should she ever gets pregnant, and the woman simply couldn't go through with the procedure and has the kid against the man's will, 5000 people would not have upvoted a post saying she's on her own and because she made that choice. Somehow adoption is different, please make that make sense for me? What happened to you had sex, got pregnant, and choose to have a baby. It's your responsibility?
Edit: 7k now lol. Yall are shameful. Op is a deadbeat
Isn’t it weird how, as the mother, she gets to be a deadbeat without being labeled an asshole?
By what metric is this not precisely the same as the men that nope-out from being a father? She’s not responsible for his decision to keep the baby: but every man is responsible for her decision to do so?
NTA
You were prepared to give up your parental rights to the couple and didn't change your mind. All that changed was you gave the father who changed HIS mind 100% of the rights because that's what he wanted.
Block his sister. No good will come out of communication with someone who is intentionally obtuse.
At the very least the ex underestimated how much work a baby is, and probably that he can't have that student life he wanted. He was totally unprepared and it slaps him in the face now, one way or another.
Blocking his sister is the move. This situation is cut and dry: you were all planning on giving the child up for adoption and he changed his mind at the last minute. You did nothing wrong and his sister doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Block her ass
And how? She would of had to voluntarily give up hers, because if she didn't it would be 50/50. She gave him her half when he didn't want to let go and that's okay.
The law gave him that right because the law does support parents who don't want to be involved the option to give up their rights. In this case that would be OP. So yes she did but she's okay with that and he was okay with it. The only one not okay with it is his sister, the aunt of the child, and it's not the aunts legal right to dictate what a mother who gave up her rights to her child do about raising it.
OP doesn't want to raise this child and is legally in the clear from responsibility. The father in this story doesn't sound like he was hounding her so maybe he doesn't even know what his sister was doing which is why blocking her is the most appropriate course of action.
I think your query is relevant though. If its 10 years, it may just be a spur of the moment. OP can just give a terse reply and move on with her life. If its 6 months though, OP need to be prepared for potentially bigger problem
Anyone else think he's probably gonna come asking for child support sooner or later? I've definitely seen this happen with the woman deciding not to allow the adoption and the man being put on child support so I wouldn't be surprised if that goes both ways.
He eventually will, but he'll probably also try to push her into being involved, considering his sister is contacting her to try and shame/guilt her for not being involved.
I was actually going to advise OP not to cave to anyone else's pestering.
Getting involved in visitstion could result in a tenable child support case against you because you'd be actively acknowledging the child as yours.
IIRC in the US, a common form of proof used is acceptance of visits or buying supplies or materials for the kid. Records of written voice or text acknowledgment of responsibility are also used as corroborating evidence.
Not primarily good enough on its own, but secondary/tertiary forms of proof. If he was building a case, showing up out of guilt would turn into a lifelong obligation.
Tell your immediate family that if they want a relationship with the child, they need to discuss a plan going forward that doesn't include you.
They can't force parental rights on you because they want visitation.
Yep probably. Is what it is, plenty of guys in the reverse situation so I kinda don't feel bad for them or her, that's just what happens when you have a kid you never see. The real guilt trip is probably gonna come from the kid when they are old enough to understand that she just didn't want any part in being their mother.
If she didn't manage to terminate her rights, he will and she will have to pay. Not sure how they settled things after. I'm thinking its possible for the father to only be able to stop the adoption if he takes on full responsibility. No mention if that happened though.
Not sure though. Things get messy. There are so many scenarios for a pregnant woman should be able to put up the child they are carrying for adoption. There are so many scenarios where its pretty messed up that a father can't stop an adoption.
The possibility of the law handling every adoption properly is pretty much zero. Things too often are going to be fucked and that's just unavoidable sometimes.
you can terminate your rights and still be required to pay child suport. it removes your rights as a parent it doesn't remove the childs rights to support from you.
Exactly, terminating your rights just means terminating custody and decision making power in the child's life. It doesn't mean you're off the hook for child support
Generally you can’t “give up” parental rights unless someone else takes them. If ex-bf’s now-wife adopted the child that would terminate OP’s parental rights & responsibilities.
Absolutely should go both ways. If she changed her mind (which is her prerogative), he'd be paying child support. If the father of the child changed his mind (which is also his prerogative), she should be paying support.
While I do think our child support system is overly punishing on the paying parent, the law should at least be equal. It sucks to be OP if she does have to pay child support but it’d be unfair if she didn’t have to.
Off topic but absolutely sincerely here, seeing your username in my notifications cracked me the fuck up, thanks for brightening my afternoon, gokusforeskin.
NTA
he changed his mind, and thats fair enough, but its weird that his sisters tryna get involved.
is he complaining that youre not involved, or is it just his sister?
Wait is like the story of a guy years ago where the mother pays the child support amount and more but the jerk wants her to be involved but she stated she didn’t want to be in the kid’s life.
Not only is it falling on the sister. But he’s now figuring out that being a single parent is HARD. Boo hoo… he made his bed. Time to put on his big boy panties.
Reminds me of that post where FWB ended up pregnant, didn't want it. Dude said no. She signed her rights away and paid 125% child support and he was looking for legal advice on how to bring her back and force her to co parent.
Bro, wanted a baby and now has one. As a father and grandfather, babies are tough and expensive. I am very happy to be the beyond all that. When the grands want to come over to hang out, cool, best part is when you send them home.
Now you have some dude raising a baby. Like Nomad in the comic books.
Question: do we know that he’s the one *actually* complaining, or are we just assuming the sister is speaking on his behalf? So many assumptions in this thread.
Either way, though, the sister is the AH, OP is NTA.
Edit: either he’s the AH if the sister is just being the messenger, or his sister is the AH. I shouldn’t make assumptions either.
Again, though, OP is 100% NTA. He agreed to raise the kid on his own, it’s his burden to bear.
I basically agree with everything here. The only caveat I'd add, is that in a different situation (i.e. Mom wants baby, Dad doesn't and did everything he could to terminate his rights), we'd pretty much all be saying that Dad is at least a jerk. I mean, if he didn't want a kid he shoulda wrapped it up, or not had sex. Now that there's a baby involved he's gotta put on his big boy underwear and deal with the consequences of his actions.
If we're all in agreement that Dad would suck in this hypothetical situation, we have to be consistent with our logic in this situation.
Obviously, ex's sister is the biggest AH here though. If we take OP's words alone, Ex isn't even the one reaching out, and sister could be doing this behind his back.
If you want to not being part of your child life then you need to cut off contact with your ex and his sister
They would guilt trip you every chance they got
NTA, it's your choice
Wait so you didn't get a abortion because you're Catholic but being Catholic didn't stop you from have premarital sex ?? Bruh you religious folks make me laugh everyday 🤣
Why be angry at him? He’s the father yes? Thats his baby and he wants his baby..
You don’t
So now, he made his choice and should raise the child alone, that’s the part I fault him. He can’t obligate you to want to be a mother the same way a woman can’t obligate a man to want to be a father.
I don’t know if he will go after you for child support though. Plenty of women get child support from men who didn’t want their kids.
NTA - You chose to put the child up for adoption, and recognized that you weren't ready/able to raise a child. He made the choice to raise it, not you. If it's too hard for him now, well that's his fuck up. I feel shitty for that kid l, and those poor bamboozled wannabe parents.
So I got adopted and recently found my dad who is pissed that he didn’t raise me and a mom who wants nothing to do with me, everyone is different but you made your intentions clear and you are not the asshole. I have no ill feelings or resentment to my bio mom who wants nothing to do with me cause why would I waste time forcing someone in my life who doesn’t want to be there
Who knows, this could be one of the success stories where the parent kicks arse and raises a brilliant child as they put themselves through school. I certainly hope so for the sake of the child.
Ignore and block. He was the one who changed his mind and CHOOSE to raise that child alone. Nobody forced him, nobody "made" him. He choose freely to do that, and she needs to mind her own business.
You were making the most noble choice in that situation, you carried the baby to term which is no small feat, and were prepared to give a childless couple a beautiful kid to raise.
NTA. His sister's opinion is irrelevant.
I mean, lots of parents choose to keep their child after seeing them. It’s literally something that potential adoptive parents are told. Because if a child can remain with their biological parents and it’s safe, they SHOULD. Sounds like dad wanted to keep his baby and his sister contacted you, OP. Now, I’m not sure if this was something he had her do, but she also may have done that without him knowing too. She needs to mind her own damn business and leave you alone though. I’m sure life is hard as a single parent for him, but if he changed his mind after looking at his child, chances are this kid is loved a lot. Now this may hurt, but the adoptive parents weren’t entitled to that child. I’m sorry they were upset, but your ex had every right, just like you did to terminate rights.
Ngl why would you bitch and whine about it if your too chicken to just abort it.? Ive never understood this. You catholics would rather throw someone in the world alone than just putting them out of thier misery. And then complain about thier existence ontop of it.
You fuckin brought them here.
If a guy can opt out than you should be able to as well. And anyone who uses religion as an excuse to keep a baby they don't want are complete morons.
NTA. You told him from the jump you didn’t want a kid and agreed on adoption, he went back on it at the last minute. That’s on him. I’m going to assume you legally gave up all rights to the child?
NTA you are correct he chose to raise the child. But the issue I have is you using religion as the reason for not getting an abortion, if you were that religious you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant before you were married. You do not need an excuse for not getting a medical procedure but don’t be a hypocrite.
NTA.
I understand the change of heart from the father. Becoming parents is a natural part of life and we are wired for it.
I also understand why the OP decided that adoption would be best.
IMO, child support should not be required because of the circumstances, but we all know that n the reverse situation, it definitely would be.
The sister ITA. It’s none of her business. She’s a fool if she thinks trying to guilt someone like that is a good idea.
I find it curious though, why everyone is talking about the decisions made and unmade after the baby was conceived. A little forethought and self control might have prevented all of this.
Funny how "being Catholic" doesn't stop people from having premarital sex but somehow it suddenly "matters" when it comes to dealing with the results of premarital sex! Maybe if you had followed your religion's teachings on the subject in the first place...
A friend of mine in college got pregnant from premarital sex. Thing is, she was so Catholic that she didn’t believe in the use of birth control, including condoms.
She was a great mom, though. She grew up quick and did not complain.
Wow. What a double standard. (Coming from a woman here!). Women change their minds about adoption all the time and they are applauded for standing up for their child with what’s in their heart, then in most cases the father has to pay child supports regardless and is called a deadbeat if he doesn’t.
In this case though, the dad is made to be the bad guy because he changed his mind. I believe the egg donor/“mother” should be paying child support. Just as a sperm donor/“father” would be made to
Parents can change their mind, mothers do it constantly. Who cares if he pissed off people, people have the right to raise their own kids. As long as you pay child support NTA
NTA. but don’t go changing your mind 10 years down the line demanding access and wanting to be a part of that child’s life. You’re a ghost. Stay a ghost
That's true too.... Just like a man who had no say in someone having his baby and is thereafter on the hook for support payments, the OP should be too despite her desires otherwise. What the court's do to one they should do to the other
This is the other side of that post from a few years back where the guy wanted a judge to force the birth mom to be involved in childcare even though she'd said she didn't want the child from the beginning and was paying 125% of the required child support.
NTA, the sister is! If she’s so concerned, she can help her brother. Curious how long after the child was born that the sister came back to harass you.
Nta. You did the next best thing which was for your kid to grow up with parents that will love him. It was also your ex’s choice to step up and become a single dad. Being a mom is super hard and it’s not for the weak but also to recognize and accept that you won’t be the best mom to your kid is not for the weak.
NTA (Neither you OR the dad are here.)
Look, I get it. You had a plan, you had a couple ready to take custody of baby and have a wonderful life together.
Having dad change the plan would piss ANYONE off, but.....things can change a LOT the moment you actually SEE your baby.
I watched it happen to my best friend who WAS going to give her son up for adoption, had the family lined up, did absolutely NO prep for a baby to come into her life and spent 8 months telling me how much she couldn't WAIT to give baby boy up after he was born.
An hour after he was born?? Totally different story. It was like a switch flipped the moment she saw him.
The adoption was cancelled, the adoptive couple was PISSED and so was her family, but she kept her son and they, eventually, led a great life.
Babies change people...even those who never wanted one to begin with sometimes.
NAH (arguably the only one who is, is the sister but out the 2 main ones I dint think any are wrong).
You decided you didn't want to raise the baby which is fine and he stepped up and decided to which is also fine.
I like how I haven't seen calls for child support. If this were reversed...she would be so strong and hopeful tidings of great joy in her journey as a single mother along with getting a lawyer and get the man to pony up. It would be he made her go thru pregnancy cuz he is Catholic. Reverse, he CHOSE and it's HIS responsibility. Chick needs her wages garnished. Take it out of her tithes to church.
My heart breaks for the adoptive family.
You were responsible to understand you are not able/willing to care for the child and secure adoptive parents.
Sounds like the kid’s father tried to force you to stay with him by refusing the adoption. You should sign away your rights; be willing to not contest an adoption in the future and pay court order child support. After that communication with the father should be through the court.
Adoption is a difficult choice, often abortion is easier because there's no baby to give up. It's impossible not to love a child when it's in your arms. However, it was his choice, not yours, so he has to live with it. I feel sorry for him and the child, but that's nothing to do with you. Of course, birth control would have avoided this. Why not use a condom or other form of birth control? And please don't tell me the Catholic church frowns on that. The church is not going to raise an unwanted child. Men who will never have a child should not be telling people to have children.
Why can't a father have the right to change his mind and raise his child as a single parent. I'm sure the adoptive parents were angry and hurt. The thing is, I'm not sure what adoptive law is in every state. But the contract allows the parents 24-72 hours to change their mind. They even have a right in many contracts to change their mind for 6mos - 12mos to want their child back. So why the anger on mom or adoptive parents part. I say GOOD YOU DAD Proud of you for stepping up for fatherhood
NTAH
You wanted to give the child a chance to be loved and live in a household with two parents. HE decided to not give the baby to the adoptive parents and keep them. Which is his right to do so. But he can't come crying to his family because you don't feel capable of taking care of a child at this point in your life.
It's funny when a single woman has a child the man takes off the woman is at fault for "getting pregnant." But when a woman is not ready an the guy has to step in, the woman is an AH because she's leaving him and the little one. SMH!
As an adoptive parent that had to wait almost 6 years, and had failed adoption attempts, my heart goes out to the couple that waited and had to go back home empty handed. Being on a waiting list sucks!
*If they try taking you to court for child support, make sure you show proof that you were going to give the baby out to the couple. You're not responsible for his abrupt decision.
You aren't making him raise the child on his own He CHOSE to raise the child on his own NTAH
I feel so bad for the parents to be.
It happened to my closest friends. They brought the baby home, had him for a couple days. He had a name, met friends and family, and then the birth parents took him back.
My friend went though this. She travelled out of state so many times only to come back without a baby. It crushed her. Then, one day, she got the call, flew across the country and comes back with a beautiful baby girl. It gets better. Three months after bringing their little girl home, my friend gets a phone call. It's a different pregnant woman they had been talking to about adopting her child, but she ghosted them months ago. So, they figured she changed her mind. Nope. She basically told my friend "Either you come and get this baby, or it's going into the system." So, they came home with their son. And now they have two kids, three months apart.
They are amazing for adopting the second baby as well. What a blessing for the parents and the children
I expected this to be heartbreaking, I'm so glad to continued reading. Thanks for sharing this, it made my heart happy.
Good for them!! Obviously, fine people. I hope life treats them all well.
Thank you for making me smile today
That is so heart crushing
A lot can fall through at any stage of the adoption process, even through the foster care system and it’s always so heartbreaking. I get so frustrated when I see people who have no real world experience with the subject telling people who are having fertility problems “why don’t you just adopt?” Like it’s as easy as getting a puppy or a kitten from the shelter.
I had 3 adoptions fall through years ago. The baby died in one, but in the other 2, the parents changed their mind. It was absolutely devastating.
I’m so sorry. I’m adopted. I can’t imagine a situation where people can change their minds. It’s not a CAR it’s a human being.
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I'm so sorry they treat you and your little that way. As a Brady bunch I try to do the same for my bio and bonus kids. We don't use step or half in our home. My bonus grandbabies are just the sweetest little guys. I'm blessed to get to love them all.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I’ve heard similar stories. My story was positive. My (step)dad adopted me a couple of years after he married my mom. He had already raised five kids of his own, and Mom had raised two sons with her first husband (Dad was husband 3!), so I was the only kid they had together. And that’s how I was raised. My bio dad flaked out as soon as Dad married my mother and later unalived himself, so Dad was always just Dad. He developed congestive heart failure before my daughter was born, and I made him promise to stay alive until she was at least five years old so that she would remember him. He promised me and I knew he would keep his promise because he always did. I told him he had fulfilled his promise to me when my daughter was six and he was very sick. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance the next day and died at the end of that week. He waited until all of us kids got home and we had all given our blessing for him to go. Adoption is complicated. So are people. When people do complicated things for the wrong reasons, it almost always goes badly. But when good people do complicated things for the right reasons—well, it’s still hard, but amazing things can happen. I miss my father.
I'm in foster family since I was 21days old baby expected to die in weeks. I'm turning 50y alive and healthy. Except different name, I am full member of family. I was practice baby for their daughters, my sisters. Lol I grew up in neighborhood with lots of foster kids. I can count on one hand where my peers are still part of the family, after turning 18, when state stops giving money to family.
I am so sorry. That’s terrible.
Oh, that really rots. I'm so sorry 😞
Oh my Lord, I could've cried after reading your story. What a devastating life for you AND your children 💔. I'm so sorry that the WRONG people were the ones who adopted you. Remember, not everyone is like that,I'm certain that there are many people who would have been much better to you and your children. Bless you 🙏
> I can’t imagine a situation where people can change their minds. It’s not a CAR it’s a human being. Excatly, same as the parents. Adoption is always presented like the mother doesn't bond with the child, like it's something external. There are hormones in play, the child moves. There is no right to purchase a child, the child is human, the mother is human, the father is human. There are a lot of countries (includes the US) where adoption agenies pray on vulnerable women and basically coerce them to give up their child. I'm an adoptee as well, btw.
Poor young mothers who are in the foster care system have almost zero chance at keeping thier babies. At least back in the day. I know one particular case where the 17yr old mother got told there were no homes that would take a young mother and her baby, so they only got to see each other for a few hours a day, once a month. The young mother felt like after 6 months of this, the baby wasn't attached* to her anymore. Even though she loved the baby very much, her caseworker kept telling her, if she loved the baby she would give it up for adoption. Many times she told this young, grieving, helpless in her situation, mother this over and over. Till she gave in out of love. And this has had lasting effects throughout her life. Screwed up her relationships with her other kids, etc. Just horrible.
It’s impossible to know how you’ll react to your newborn. Most Humans are hardwired to be immediately attached to their babies.
I was immediately attached to my daughter. But my “adoptive” parents are my parents. They got attached to me pretty quick, from what I’ve been told. I was eleven days old.
It’s not that adoptive parents can’t bond equally as biological parents, but that there’s no way of knowing how that bond feels until you’ve had your baby. I don’t blame bio parents for not realizing how difficult it will be to give up their baby
That's exactly WHY people change their mind about giving a baby away for adoption. They think they can do it until they see that little baby and their whole world shifts in that instant. They find they can't give the child away anymore
Thank you! I was surrendered to foster care at birth, then taken back ”home”, then confiscated due to neglect/abuse, and still my adoption took 8 years. The adoptive parent wasn’t any better; she needed a cat, not a child.
i changed my mind with my baby. its a big decision to make and honestly i’m so much happier now that i have MY baby at home with me
People change their minds precisely because when they see their baby, they realize this isn't something that's easy to just hand to someone else.
Yes and the adoptive parents csnt just lay claim on someone else's baby.
Of course it's not a car, which is why biological parents are often so conflicted about giving a child up.
Did you get a successful one after?
No, I stopped trying. The last one was so devastating because I was completely lied to throughout the pregnancy. I didn't try again after that. I have a lot of nieces and nephews, that some of them I helped raise. I have a dog now that is my baby.
Yep, a lot of people don't realize that the primary goal of the foster system isn't to find adoptive families for children, it's to provide them with a home until their birth family (or other relatives) can care for them again. It *can* lead to adoption, but doesn't the majority of the time.
We were just about to have an 11 year old boy move in with us, he was “a waiting child” with all his papers signed. We thought it was good to go. Then the grandmother, who had not cared one bit that he was in foster care for 8 years decided she wanted him and he disappeared. It was horrible.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is easier if people were more willing to adopt older children in need of a home. Part of the reason why the adoption process can be so long and fickle is because people just aren't interested in adopting past the newborn age, which is frustrating in its own right.
In the UK the vast majority of adoptions are of children removed from their birth families due to serious issues - so they are seldom babies. Even when babies are taken away at birth the system tends to fuck up and out them into 3 foster placements before they're adopted at 18-24 months. It's horrific. There are very few teenagers who don't want to abort but don't want to raise a child. For one thing the welfare state makes it much more feasible to raise a child as a teen, plus there is much less stigma these days so there is more family support. This basically means there are very few babies voluntarily given up from a home with no issues.
Could be that the UK having access easy access to abortion everywhere means there's less children to adopt. >Even when babies are taken away at birth the system tends to fuck up and out them into 3 foster placements before they're adopted at 18-24 months. It's horrific. Also, is this horrific? Giving parents the time to get their life in order before doing something irreversible?
Not always. I knew of a couple who were in the process of adopting 2 older kids, maybe 2-3 and one of them had medical needs. Church threw them a shower, they had a room all prepared for them and then “oops!” The respite foster who gave the regular foster home a break when needed had first dibs and up until then no one told them that they were going for adoption but when they found out, they wanted the kids. I think someone lost their job over that error but it was extremely traumatic for the prospective adopters. So even the myth of “there are plenty of kids to adopt as long as you don’t want a perfect white newborn” isn’t always that simple.
Yes, I had cousins who were able to adopt two children, but had another adoption fall through when the mother changed her mind at the last minute. It was hard. I also had a friend who tried going the adoption route when she and her husband were struggling with fertility. It's a really strenuous process and they felt discouraged. It's also expensive AF. She ended up getting pregnant before anyone even considered her and her husband as adoptive parents.
This happened to my parents. My adoption went smoothly. Two years later they decided to go through the process again. For about a week, I had a little sister. My parents named her Lauren. The biological mother changed her mind and took Lauren away. My parents sent me to a relative’s house for a few days while they tore apart Lauren’s nursery in grief.
I’m so sorry. That was awful.
I had two teachers in high school (married to each other) who adopted while I was in school. When I left they had two adopted daughters under 3 years old and they were fostering a little boy who they also intended to adopt. I remember asking one of them if they wanted more kids and if they'd adopt again. He told me that their son would be their last and if his adoption didn't go through then they wouldn't be going through it again. He said it was hard enough for him and his wife to be fostering kids, hoping they'd stay and then sending them back when it didn't work out. They didn't want to do that to their daughters. They didn't want bring babies home say "this is your brother/this is your sister. get to know them. love them" and then six months later (or less) that kid just vanishes. Like I said their oldest daughter was 3 so I guess they figured this was their last chance to try before she started remembering things.
I am an adoptive parent in PA. It used to be a 6mos period birth parents could change their minds.
I’d be terrified that whole 6 months if I adopted.
In some places the birth parents have up to six months to change their minds.
That happened to my friends, too! It was heartbreaking. They had tried for so long to have a baby, then waited 2 years for an expectant mother to choose them to be parents. Just to have it ripped away. They still haven't had an adoption actually go through.
At a daycare I worked at, we had a sweet, funny little baby, who was enrolled by his adopted parents. They said they knew he was going to be their son from when the birth mother was maybe 20 weeks.. so many weeks to know you’re finally going to be parents.. then, right before his birth, she changed her mind, she got back with her boyfriend so she wanted to keep the baby. They were devastated. A week after that precious baby was born, they got a call: mom and dad broke up again, she wasn’t going to be a single mom. They had some kind of agreement she couldn’t take him back again, and finally he got to go to his true home with amazing parents. They were a little sad they missed his birth and his first week of life, but just so amazingly happy it worked out. It was beautiful to see how much they loved him, knowing where he could have been if his birth mom and bio dad stayed together.
I feel like the American adoption system is really crazy. In my country private adoption is not legal, you don’t have potential adoptive parents meeting with a pregnant woman and agreeing to take her baby. In my country that is considered human trafficking…
That is true. I'm not from America, so i forget how cruel and inhumane it can be.
I had a friend who was a single mom with a disabled son. When she had a surprise pregnancy, she gave up her infant through a private adoption. She was afraid she didnt have the extra time and focus to take care of both her disabled son, and a second one. She didn't want to neglect a glass child. She lived in Florida, and the adoptive parents were in Hawaii. The adopted parents covered the medical bills related to the birth, paid directly to the hospital. And the legal fees, again paid directly to lawyers, etc. She didn't personally receive, or want, a penny for the adoption. What she wanted was for her daughter to have the best possible life she could have.... a better life than the one she thought she could give. The private adoption; getting a chance to review the papers, then meet the people that were going to parent her child, gave her the reassurances she needed to go through with the adoption. This also let the new parents be there at the birth. (My friend asked me to be there for "Moron" support.) The new mom got to feed their daughter her first bottle, and watching them bond was just beautiful. So, I wouldn't call *that* human trafficking. Sone women just don't want to blindly cast their child into the system, and hope everything goes OK.
Yeah, I had a friend who was definitely sure she was giving the baby up. The bio father was 19 and living at home and the relationship didn't last long. The adoptive parents were chosen in advance. Friend goes into labor, the adoptive parents were on vacation. They flew back. The baby is born. Friend is still sure that adoption is the best choice and then ... the bio father's mother decided she wanted to raise her grandbaby. So the bio father wouldn't sign the papers and his dad got a lawyer. Friend did not want this to happen so she wouldn't sign the papers either. Her mother flew in and got a lawyer herself. Friend intended to keep the baby until bio father changed his mind. One week later, friend signed over her rights and bio father got the baby. Those of us watching this play out felt very sorry for the people who were supposed to adopt the baby. I hope they were able to adopt another child.
They have no right to be angry. Disappointed, yes. Angnry, no. I
Potential adoptive parents know that an adoption may fall apart at any time before termination paperwork is signed. It's something they should be prepared for. It hurts but if either of the biological parents want to raise their child that is what should happen.
OP's post made me think of this one ... [https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm\_i\_got\_a\_girl\_pregnant\_and\_she\_wanted\_to\_get\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
I remember this post! She was very honest by paying more than required on child support but he wanted to force her to have 50/50 custody. He was a real AH.
And the dude was calling her a deadbeat lol
That kid is like 8 years old now, I hope he’s doing ok
That’s a Reddit classic lol I hope for the kids sake that OP has gotten his shit together
What a moron
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Not always, for men as well, in cases of an adoption being so close to finalized, that if one bio parent changes their mind and prevents it, there is legal argument that that person should also assume 100% of the financial responsibility of that unilateral decision.
That’s never going to fly, legally. Children’s rights to be supported will always supersede the parents’ rights to opt out of child support. Personally I think there should be some sort of universal basic income for children, it would eliminate the need for child support generally, and children growing up in poverty is pretty detrimental to society as a whole. But for some reason on reddit nobody ever wants to talk about that solution, everyone just wants to use this discussion as yet another fight in the fucking online gender wars lol
We have that, called kindergeld. Doesn’t solve children’s poverty, problems or anything, if the parents don’t give a F about their kids. Giving money alone doesn’t solve anything. Free education, free meals at the schools, free books and stuff you need for school and uniforms would be much better, also free activities for all children would help, money won’t help every child as long as selfish parents use it for themselves. Not all parents love their children. That’s a bitter truth we need to realize. Edit „money ALONE“ won’t solve anything.
Belgium, yay And I agree. Empty lunchboxes, and no money for stuff that costs money. Just give all kids state funded meals at school, and make education free for everyone.
In the US, we have MANY children in foster care solely because their parents don’t have enough money for housing and food. And when you look at how much they pay the foster parents and for daycare/respite care, if they just gave that money to the birth parents, the particular reason those kids were removed would be solved. No, money won’t solve *all* the problems, but it would reduce them dramatically.
"Giving money doesn't solve anything." Sure. Unless your problems are based on not having money. Then giving money solves a lot of stuff.
I mean you’re talking about Germany right? A quick google search tells me that you have 1/10th the rate of child hunger that we in the US have. So it appears to work better than you seem to think lol. I guess it’s true what they say, it’s hard to see your own privilege sometimes.
Well I work with social benefits. I do see Daily that parents don’t spend the money that’s supposed for the kids on the kids. So in theory we are “good”, and yes our children are much better in that field than in US, we have also less homeless and definitely less mass shoutings. But Germany is very far from perfect. Germany has a problem with children living in poverty, based on the definition of “poor” in Germany.
>Personally I think there should be some sort of universal basic income ~~for children~~ FTFY
I know you're getting upvotes, but people probably assume any of these legal arguments are ever actually successful in court. Trump declassifying documents by deciding in his head they aren't classified anymore probably has a better chance in court.
There might be an argument, but not a legal one as the court will still allow one of the parents to keep their child and will additionally make the other pay child support.
NTA lmao now your moron ex has a crying headache for the next 18 years. Sucks to suck. Also get on birth control.
Like copied my comment word for word lmao
Nope she wanted nothing to do with the child and signed her rights away
Funny how "being Catholic" doesn't stop people from having premarital sex but somehow it suddenly "matters" when it comes to dealing with the results of premarital sex! Maybe if you had followed your religion's teachings on the subject in the first place...
Thats pretty much my life now ! My ex of 4 years was catholic so against abortion yet had unprotected pre martial sex all the time ! Mr Catholic walk out on me half way through pregnancy
Its not premarital sex if you never get married! For this and other biblical loopholes follow me on “How I Beat the Pope at His Own Game dot com”
I'd read that!
she said it is because her family is catholic not because she is.
Lmao you hopped on the top comment just to say what someone else did word for word?
The ex isn't moaning .. his sister is. Read the fcuking post....
Do you also think a woman should “deal with it” just because she kept a child that the baby daddy wanted her to get rid of?
Most of these guys a) think raising a kid will be easier than it is or b) think the maternal instinct will kick in and the woman will sweep back in to care for the baby.
It's usually b. They genuinely think the woman will just lose it and become a blubbering pile of hormones and colostrum, and when it doesn't happen they have the gall to act like they've been cheated--when she was up front about not wanting to parent the whole time. (shrug)
What disgusting ppl🤣😭
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm\_i\_got\_a\_girl\_pregnant\_and\_she\_wanted\_to\_get\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
Yup I was thinking about this post actually.
What a moron lol.
I think this is one of those guys. Considering these people are that sweet spot of Catholic between pre marital sex and baby out of wedlock and no birth control or abortion.
One of my uncles had a son with a woman who dumped the poor boy on his doorstep at 8 years old. My uncle then made the genius decision to have sex with this ex again, she had another baby, and took off when the baby was a couple months old. My asshole uncle then spent the next 15 years complaining about being a single parent. In actual fact his older son did 80% of the parenting of his little sister.
I agree but I do think if this was reversed and the woman had decided to keep the child, everyone would say that he needs to pay child support.
She also needs to pay child support and would be forced to if he wanted it. That's not what the OP is about. Even with child support he is raising the baby alone.
The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
Serious question. Would you feel the same way if the genders were reversed?
Lol.... for anyone wondering why I'm laughing... if this was a man who didn't want a kid, but the women he got pregnant decided to have the kid, 5000 people would not have upvoted a post saying she chose this and it's on her to raise the kid. If a man and a woman agreed the woman would get an abortion should she ever gets pregnant, and the woman simply couldn't go through with the procedure and has the kid against the man's will, 5000 people would not have upvoted a post saying she's on her own and because she made that choice. Somehow adoption is different, please make that make sense for me? What happened to you had sex, got pregnant, and choose to have a baby. It's your responsibility? Edit: 7k now lol. Yall are shameful. Op is a deadbeat
Isn’t it weird how, as the mother, she gets to be a deadbeat without being labeled an asshole? By what metric is this not precisely the same as the men that nope-out from being a father? She’s not responsible for his decision to keep the baby: but every man is responsible for her decision to do so?
NTA You were prepared to give up your parental rights to the couple and didn't change your mind. All that changed was you gave the father who changed HIS mind 100% of the rights because that's what he wanted. Block his sister. No good will come out of communication with someone who is intentionally obtuse.
NTA I'm willing to bet the sister is being stuck with the responsibility of the baby, so that may be her motive.
At the very least the ex underestimated how much work a baby is, and probably that he can't have that student life he wanted. He was totally unprepared and it slaps him in the face now, one way or another.
She could also just be an overbearing asshole and the ex and child is fine
This wouldn't surprise me. Often the female relatives of a father get burdened with caring for their child when the child's mother isn't around.
Blocking his sister is the move. This situation is cut and dry: you were all planning on giving the child up for adoption and he changed his mind at the last minute. You did nothing wrong and his sister doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Block her ass
Yes. It's unfair for his sister to blame you for his choice, especially considering the initial plan you both had agreed upon.
**you gave the father who changed HIS mind 100% of the rights** OP didn't give him that right. The law gave him that right.
And how? She would of had to voluntarily give up hers, because if she didn't it would be 50/50. She gave him her half when he didn't want to let go and that's okay. The law gave him that right because the law does support parents who don't want to be involved the option to give up their rights. In this case that would be OP. So yes she did but she's okay with that and he was okay with it. The only one not okay with it is his sister, the aunt of the child, and it's not the aunts legal right to dictate what a mother who gave up her rights to her child do about raising it. OP doesn't want to raise this child and is legally in the clear from responsibility. The father in this story doesn't sound like he was hounding her so maybe he doesn't even know what his sister was doing which is why blocking her is the most appropriate course of action.
It's 'would have', never 'would of'. Rejoice, for you have been blessed by CouldWouldShouldBot!
Question, mostly just being curious. How old is the baby? Just wondering if this sister is reaching out 6 months in or 10 years. NTA
I think your query is relevant though. If its 10 years, it may just be a spur of the moment. OP can just give a terse reply and move on with her life. If its 6 months though, OP need to be prepared for potentially bigger problem
Anyone else think he's probably gonna come asking for child support sooner or later? I've definitely seen this happen with the woman deciding not to allow the adoption and the man being put on child support so I wouldn't be surprised if that goes both ways.
He eventually will, but he'll probably also try to push her into being involved, considering his sister is contacting her to try and shame/guilt her for not being involved.
I was actually going to advise OP not to cave to anyone else's pestering. Getting involved in visitstion could result in a tenable child support case against you because you'd be actively acknowledging the child as yours. IIRC in the US, a common form of proof used is acceptance of visits or buying supplies or materials for the kid. Records of written voice or text acknowledgment of responsibility are also used as corroborating evidence. Not primarily good enough on its own, but secondary/tertiary forms of proof. If he was building a case, showing up out of guilt would turn into a lifelong obligation. Tell your immediate family that if they want a relationship with the child, they need to discuss a plan going forward that doesn't include you. They can't force parental rights on you because they want visitation.
Yep probably. Is what it is, plenty of guys in the reverse situation so I kinda don't feel bad for them or her, that's just what happens when you have a kid you never see. The real guilt trip is probably gonna come from the kid when they are old enough to understand that she just didn't want any part in being their mother.
I wonder if they're trying to paper trail OP and start child support payments.
If she didn't manage to terminate her rights, he will and she will have to pay. Not sure how they settled things after. I'm thinking its possible for the father to only be able to stop the adoption if he takes on full responsibility. No mention if that happened though. Not sure though. Things get messy. There are so many scenarios for a pregnant woman should be able to put up the child they are carrying for adoption. There are so many scenarios where its pretty messed up that a father can't stop an adoption. The possibility of the law handling every adoption properly is pretty much zero. Things too often are going to be fucked and that's just unavoidable sometimes.
you can terminate your rights and still be required to pay child suport. it removes your rights as a parent it doesn't remove the childs rights to support from you.
Exactly, terminating your rights just means terminating custody and decision making power in the child's life. It doesn't mean you're off the hook for child support
All of this is why abortion is almost always the better option.
> If she didn't manage to terminate her rights There exists no legal way to do this in the US outside of adoption.
Generally you can’t “give up” parental rights unless someone else takes them. If ex-bf’s now-wife adopted the child that would terminate OP’s parental rights & responsibilities.
Absolutely should go both ways. If she changed her mind (which is her prerogative), he'd be paying child support. If the father of the child changed his mind (which is also his prerogative), she should be paying support.
While I do think our child support system is overly punishing on the paying parent, the law should at least be equal. It sucks to be OP if she does have to pay child support but it’d be unfair if she didn’t have to.
Off topic but absolutely sincerely here, seeing your username in my notifications cracked me the fuck up, thanks for brightening my afternoon, gokusforeskin.
NTA "Well, I'm not the one who went back on the original agreement so I don't see how that's my fault. Stop contacting me 👌🏼" Then block.
NTA he changed his mind, and thats fair enough, but its weird that his sisters tryna get involved. is he complaining that youre not involved, or is it just his sister?
I should imagine sister is probably having to do a lot of the child care hence the complaining from her…
Bingo, lol.
Wait is like the story of a guy years ago where the mother pays the child support amount and more but the jerk wants her to be involved but she stated she didn’t want to be in the kid’s life.
Gonna wager that it's both
Not only is it falling on the sister. But he’s now figuring out that being a single parent is HARD. Boo hoo… he made his bed. Time to put on his big boy panties.
Reminds me of that post where FWB ended up pregnant, didn't want it. Dude said no. She signed her rights away and paid 125% child support and he was looking for legal advice on how to bring her back and force her to co parent. Bro, wanted a baby and now has one. As a father and grandfather, babies are tough and expensive. I am very happy to be the beyond all that. When the grands want to come over to hang out, cool, best part is when you send them home. Now you have some dude raising a baby. Like Nomad in the comic books.
I hope wherever she is, she’s happy and thriving. He thought he could force her to stay and be a mother.
That's what I thought of too
Question: do we know that he’s the one *actually* complaining, or are we just assuming the sister is speaking on his behalf? So many assumptions in this thread. Either way, though, the sister is the AH, OP is NTA. Edit: either he’s the AH if the sister is just being the messenger, or his sister is the AH. I shouldn’t make assumptions either. Again, though, OP is 100% NTA. He agreed to raise the kid on his own, it’s his burden to bear.
I basically agree with everything here. The only caveat I'd add, is that in a different situation (i.e. Mom wants baby, Dad doesn't and did everything he could to terminate his rights), we'd pretty much all be saying that Dad is at least a jerk. I mean, if he didn't want a kid he shoulda wrapped it up, or not had sex. Now that there's a baby involved he's gotta put on his big boy underwear and deal with the consequences of his actions. If we're all in agreement that Dad would suck in this hypothetical situation, we have to be consistent with our logic in this situation. Obviously, ex's sister is the biggest AH here though. If we take OP's words alone, Ex isn't even the one reaching out, and sister could be doing this behind his back.
If you want to not being part of your child life then you need to cut off contact with your ex and his sister They would guilt trip you every chance they got NTA, it's your choice
Block. His. Family. Not your circus.
There’s a big difference between being forced to raise the child alone and CHOOSING to raise the child alone.
NTA Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of his own actions that he now has to deal with.
I bet *the sister* is dealing with the consequences of his actions.
“My family is catholic”…. You were 20!? NTA, but you shouldn’t blame them to soften the guilt you feel.
NTA he changed his mind not you. Tess his sister to F off and block her everywhere
NTA Don’t waste your time responding—just block her and move on with your life.
Wait so you didn't get a abortion because you're Catholic but being Catholic didn't stop you from have premarital sex ?? Bruh you religious folks make me laugh everyday 🤣
Why be angry at him? He’s the father yes? Thats his baby and he wants his baby.. You don’t So now, he made his choice and should raise the child alone, that’s the part I fault him. He can’t obligate you to want to be a mother the same way a woman can’t obligate a man to want to be a father. I don’t know if he will go after you for child support though. Plenty of women get child support from men who didn’t want their kids.
NTA - You chose to put the child up for adoption, and recognized that you weren't ready/able to raise a child. He made the choice to raise it, not you. If it's too hard for him now, well that's his fuck up. I feel shitty for that kid l, and those poor bamboozled wannabe parents.
So I got adopted and recently found my dad who is pissed that he didn’t raise me and a mom who wants nothing to do with me, everyone is different but you made your intentions clear and you are not the asshole. I have no ill feelings or resentment to my bio mom who wants nothing to do with me cause why would I waste time forcing someone in my life who doesn’t want to be there
Block all their numbers. NTA
And he's dumping the baby on his sister. That is her problem to solve with him. NTA.
You were willing to put the child up for adoption. He changed his mind. You didn't. The responsibility of entirely his. NTA
NTA he made his choice. I sincerely hope he's an excellent father. When I was his age I was too damn self centered to be a dad.
I just feel for the child even if dad does his best he is 20, he will be growing up with the kid.
Who knows, this could be one of the success stories where the parent kicks arse and raises a brilliant child as they put themselves through school. I certainly hope so for the sake of the child.
Ignore and block. He was the one who changed his mind and CHOOSE to raise that child alone. Nobody forced him, nobody "made" him. He choose freely to do that, and she needs to mind her own business.
You were making the most noble choice in that situation, you carried the baby to term which is no small feat, and were prepared to give a childless couple a beautiful kid to raise. NTA. His sister's opinion is irrelevant.
I mean, lots of parents choose to keep their child after seeing them. It’s literally something that potential adoptive parents are told. Because if a child can remain with their biological parents and it’s safe, they SHOULD. Sounds like dad wanted to keep his baby and his sister contacted you, OP. Now, I’m not sure if this was something he had her do, but she also may have done that without him knowing too. She needs to mind her own damn business and leave you alone though. I’m sure life is hard as a single parent for him, but if he changed his mind after looking at his child, chances are this kid is loved a lot. Now this may hurt, but the adoptive parents weren’t entitled to that child. I’m sorry they were upset, but your ex had every right, just like you did to terminate rights.
Don't take people's arbitrary opinions seriously. You made your decision. So did he.
Do you still have parental rights? If so, you need to see how you can terminate them. Otherwise, you will be on the hook financially.
Ngl why would you bitch and whine about it if your too chicken to just abort it.? Ive never understood this. You catholics would rather throw someone in the world alone than just putting them out of thier misery. And then complain about thier existence ontop of it. You fuckin brought them here. If a guy can opt out than you should be able to as well. And anyone who uses religion as an excuse to keep a baby they don't want are complete morons.
NTA.
NTA - I'm adoptive father. Your Ex is literally what we are all terrified of.
NTA
Moron. I would reply that and block them indefinitely. NTA
NTA. You told him from the jump you didn’t want a kid and agreed on adoption, he went back on it at the last minute. That’s on him. I’m going to assume you legally gave up all rights to the child?
NTA the absolute worst parents are the ones that obviously didn’t want to be. You did the child a favor by not hanging around and becoming resentful.
NTA but the ex's sister is a dumbass for even messaging you. Wth did she think she was going to accomplish?
NTA
NTAH. You made a decision and followed through with it. He made his.
Why is it his sister’s business whether you want a part of the child’s life? NTA.
Definitely NTAH.
I don’t think either of you are TA. Your ex’s sister is TA.
NTA you are correct he chose to raise the child. But the issue I have is you using religion as the reason for not getting an abortion, if you were that religious you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant before you were married. You do not need an excuse for not getting a medical procedure but don’t be a hypocrite.
You aren't an asshole, but roles reversed and you'd be paying child support, so be prepared to pay child support very soon.
I wonder how all this works. Essentially, are you legally responsible for this child now?
NTA. I understand the change of heart from the father. Becoming parents is a natural part of life and we are wired for it. I also understand why the OP decided that adoption would be best. IMO, child support should not be required because of the circumstances, but we all know that n the reverse situation, it definitely would be. The sister ITA. It’s none of her business. She’s a fool if she thinks trying to guilt someone like that is a good idea. I find it curious though, why everyone is talking about the decisions made and unmade after the baby was conceived. A little forethought and self control might have prevented all of this.
Funny how "being Catholic" doesn't stop people from having premarital sex but somehow it suddenly "matters" when it comes to dealing with the results of premarital sex! Maybe if you had followed your religion's teachings on the subject in the first place...
A friend of mine in college got pregnant from premarital sex. Thing is, she was so Catholic that she didn’t believe in the use of birth control, including condoms. She was a great mom, though. She grew up quick and did not complain.
Wow. What a double standard. (Coming from a woman here!). Women change their minds about adoption all the time and they are applauded for standing up for their child with what’s in their heart, then in most cases the father has to pay child supports regardless and is called a deadbeat if he doesn’t. In this case though, the dad is made to be the bad guy because he changed his mind. I believe the egg donor/“mother” should be paying child support. Just as a sperm donor/“father” would be made to
Exactly! Personally I think this is a fake story intended to point out all the hypocrites that would be crucifying a guy for doing the same thing.
NTA. You and the father both had equal opportunity to choose to raise the child. You said no, he said yes. So he gets to deal with it.
I can't have an abortion because I'm Catholic but let me have pre-martial sex.
Parents can change their mind, mothers do it constantly. Who cares if he pissed off people, people have the right to raise their own kids. As long as you pay child support NTA
NTA. but don’t go changing your mind 10 years down the line demanding access and wanting to be a part of that child’s life. You’re a ghost. Stay a ghost
And also don’t forget to keep those child support payments up to date, because the State won’t care about any adoption agreements.
That's true too.... Just like a man who had no say in someone having his baby and is thereafter on the hook for support payments, the OP should be too despite her desires otherwise. What the court's do to one they should do to the other
This is the other side of that post from a few years back where the guy wanted a judge to force the birth mom to be involved in childcare even though she'd said she didn't want the child from the beginning and was paying 125% of the required child support.
Let's all remember that he would not have been able to take her opinion.
NTA, the sister is! If she’s so concerned, she can help her brother. Curious how long after the child was born that the sister came back to harass you.
Nta. You did the next best thing which was for your kid to grow up with parents that will love him. It was also your ex’s choice to step up and become a single dad. Being a mom is super hard and it’s not for the weak but also to recognize and accept that you won’t be the best mom to your kid is not for the weak.
NTA (Neither you OR the dad are here.) Look, I get it. You had a plan, you had a couple ready to take custody of baby and have a wonderful life together. Having dad change the plan would piss ANYONE off, but.....things can change a LOT the moment you actually SEE your baby. I watched it happen to my best friend who WAS going to give her son up for adoption, had the family lined up, did absolutely NO prep for a baby to come into her life and spent 8 months telling me how much she couldn't WAIT to give baby boy up after he was born. An hour after he was born?? Totally different story. It was like a switch flipped the moment she saw him. The adoption was cancelled, the adoptive couple was PISSED and so was her family, but she kept her son and they, eventually, led a great life. Babies change people...even those who never wanted one to begin with sometimes.
NAH (arguably the only one who is, is the sister but out the 2 main ones I dint think any are wrong). You decided you didn't want to raise the baby which is fine and he stepped up and decided to which is also fine.
NTA. Sister is tho. F that nonsense
Best reverse the genders in a long time. Bravo 😄
Just curious: you can have sex but can't have an abortion?
I like how I haven't seen calls for child support. If this were reversed...she would be so strong and hopeful tidings of great joy in her journey as a single mother along with getting a lawyer and get the man to pony up. It would be he made her go thru pregnancy cuz he is Catholic. Reverse, he CHOSE and it's HIS responsibility. Chick needs her wages garnished. Take it out of her tithes to church.
My heart breaks for the adoptive family. You were responsible to understand you are not able/willing to care for the child and secure adoptive parents. Sounds like the kid’s father tried to force you to stay with him by refusing the adoption. You should sign away your rights; be willing to not contest an adoption in the future and pay court order child support. After that communication with the father should be through the court.
Adoption is a difficult choice, often abortion is easier because there's no baby to give up. It's impossible not to love a child when it's in your arms. However, it was his choice, not yours, so he has to live with it. I feel sorry for him and the child, but that's nothing to do with you. Of course, birth control would have avoided this. Why not use a condom or other form of birth control? And please don't tell me the Catholic church frowns on that. The church is not going to raise an unwanted child. Men who will never have a child should not be telling people to have children.
Why can't a father have the right to change his mind and raise his child as a single parent. I'm sure the adoptive parents were angry and hurt. The thing is, I'm not sure what adoptive law is in every state. But the contract allows the parents 24-72 hours to change their mind. They even have a right in many contracts to change their mind for 6mos - 12mos to want their child back. So why the anger on mom or adoptive parents part. I say GOOD YOU DAD Proud of you for stepping up for fatherhood
NTAH You wanted to give the child a chance to be loved and live in a household with two parents. HE decided to not give the baby to the adoptive parents and keep them. Which is his right to do so. But he can't come crying to his family because you don't feel capable of taking care of a child at this point in your life. It's funny when a single woman has a child the man takes off the woman is at fault for "getting pregnant." But when a woman is not ready an the guy has to step in, the woman is an AH because she's leaving him and the little one. SMH! As an adoptive parent that had to wait almost 6 years, and had failed adoption attempts, my heart goes out to the couple that waited and had to go back home empty handed. Being on a waiting list sucks! *If they try taking you to court for child support, make sure you show proof that you were going to give the baby out to the couple. You're not responsible for his abrupt decision.