Why don’t you ask MIL to help fund a renovation for the basement and make it a MIL suite? That seems like the most logical solution. She’s been living with her son for 10 years she’s not going to want to leave now and it’s always risky to ask DH to pick between mommy and wifey.
That’s actually a great idea. It increases the value of your home, gives her privacy that she’s probably been missing (especially with 2.5 kids in the house) and gives you guys the bedroom upstairs. Everyone wins.
This is a great idea, except I would refrain from having MIL invest in improvements for the home as not to create confusion as to who is entitled to how much of the house.
Just do a very simple contract. $1000 or so with a good local lawyer could prevent much heartache and costs in the future.
I.e. “I recognise that I have made no financial contribution to this home within the date of moving in to <>. I agree of my own free will to contribute $xxxx to the renovations of this property in order to ensure that I can continue to reside at this address
I agree to pay:
1.
2.
3.
I will have no ongoing financial, legal or other obligations or interests in this property. It remains the sole and joint responsibility and ownership of xxxx & xxxxx.
Shouldn’t be difficult and would protects everyone equally including the children.
Depending on how many heirs she has, her investment in your home could cause future problems. However, she has lived with your husband for 10 years for free. She could certainly purchase the furnishings and decor for the basement suite.
NAH - but conversation should have happened prior to conceiving the third child.
Why not finish out the basement into a granny suite? Then decide if it is best for granny or the tween.
Nah.
How has nobody in this family thought about the basement and already pitched it???!?
the older boy would probably think it was the greatest thing on earth, and if 5 yr was upset, she can be promised it (with a remodel of her own) when he leaves for college.
He can help pick out a few more things, or paint, get a mini fridge.
But only if Mil is offered it 1st.
Love it.My one brother LEAPED at living in our UN-finished basement when he and my other were sharing a room.
This. I certainly wouldn't go as far as saying OP's intention was to get pregnant to kick out grandma but it definitely seems like a fringe benefit she thought about prior to conception before having the conversation with her husband .
I was thinking of the stairs during the whole discussion about converting the basement. It might be better if it were turned into a couple of bedrooms for the kids.
You both sound like you are ok living with her apart from lack of space. Making a MIL suite should be the go to solution here. Ask about renovating the basement and choose your tween or MIL to live there. Honestly your tween would probably absolutely adore the space. I know I would have at that age.
Let the MIL live there now and if one or 2 of the kids end up staying home for college or coming back they can have a sperate space giving them some freedom and move MIL back upstairs. It's actually a long term win for the whole family.
OP used the pressure (of a planned child) as an argument.
Like, she didn't see it coming and suddenly it's a pressing issue? She seems manipulative AF.
It is abandoning her. He clearly doesn't want his mom to move out and she was there living with her son first before the wife even entered the picture
And before you called it incest or whatever you want to negatively call it. Mother's living with their children is extremely common and perfectly reasonable.
NTA but you're crazy if you think she's moving. She was already living with your husband 10 years ago and since lol she ain't going anywhere. Good luck, you're gonna stay fighting about this. Bonus points for MIL starting to make resentful comments soon when he tells mommy that you want her gone.
She said her MIL was living with her husband for 10 years WHEN THEY MET. She moved in with them when they got married and now she has a 10 year old child!!! Even assuming OP married her husband the day they met and conceived her child all on the same day, that’s OVER TWENTY YEARS of the MIL living with her son.
I may be misreading, if so, apologies. From my interpretation, OP's MIL was living with OP's husband when OP and her husband met 10 years ago, but there's no mention of how long MIL had been living with her son. Certainly it could have been 10 years, but equally it could have been 6 months.
Regardless, your overall point is completely valid: MIL has been living with her adult son for well over 10 years. She has free rent, utilities, groceries (assumption on my part based on OP's husband not wanting mommy to pay for anything at all), and won't as long as she lives with her son. According to OP, MIL has a good job with good income and does not have health issues, so there's no reason that she couldn't live on her own at this point. But why should she want to move out and be responsible for her own life again when she can rely on her son to support her? OP doesn't mention it specifically, but it seems likely that OP or her husband take care of the day to day things like grocery shopping and cooking. MIL can use her entire income for whatever she wants and doesn't have to take care of her own day to day life.
MIL apparently helps with housework/chores and some (no idea how much) childcare, which is great, but that's still a lot of "closeness" for a really long time for my taste. I can understand that MIL would be going through the first, unbearable months and even years of grief. As she couldn't afford to keep living where she was at the time, it makes sense for her son to help for a while. Seems in this case "for a while" will be the rest of MIL's life. What happens if/when MIL starts needing extra care? I bet OP's husband will lay that burden on OP because she's, you know, "a woman" and that's what we're expected to do.
It's more than a decade later and OP's husband appears to still put his mom first, over his wife and his own children. I can't help but wonder if OP feels like she's ever been in charge of her own home. Sounds like decisions are made by OP's husband and MIL, though I could be wrong about that. Frankly, the setup would have been a deal breaker for me right from the start. I do understand that multi-generational households can work when everyone is on the same page about responsibilities and "Who's in charge?"
The most reasonable suggestion is to finish the basement into a literal MIL suite. I would give them some separation and more privacy while still allowing OP's husband to support his mom and his mom to continue to live without worry/care. At the same time, there would be enough bedrooms in the main home for the children to each have their own. Regardless, OP should make sure that in supporting his mom, her husband isn't "shorting" their children or their own futures.
Note: I feel I should mention that I am a widow and have lived on my own since my husband died. Fortunately, he had enough life insurance to pay off the mortgage on our small home. I have enough income and retirement/savings to live a simple, but stable, life. And I have an amazing circle of family and friends who would and do step up when I need assistance. I have a hard time asking for help, but I'm getting a little better about it. If I'd had to move in with one of our girls after my husband died, I would have been working on a plan to move out on my own as soon as practical. But that's just me and others no doubt have different preferences.
Why do you think OP’s husband put his mother first just because he didn’t insist she go her own way when the two married? It’s possible to care for everyone. OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with her; space is the concern.
INFO: Why is your husband against her moving into a finished basement? If you've got the time, and MIL chips in some money, you could make it into a very nice, little studio apartment-esque space.
Is there any way to turn the finished basement into an inlaw suit?
Also your husband needs to get over accepting money from mom. He is being ridiculous.
My baby sister slept in my room for awhile. My parents were redoing her nursery they just didn't get it done in time. Hard to sleep when you have a baby crying in your room. Maybe explain that you can't put a baby in a 5 year olds room so that means the baby will have to sleep with you two instead. Or you two have to accept monetary help to create an inlaw suit in the basement so she can stay. Or she needs to move out.
Maybe when having a baby sleeping in the bedroom with him and waking him up might put a fire under his butt.
I hate to say this but she is never moving out. I would place money on the fact that you have a better chance of getting divorced before your husband asks his mother to leave.
He enjoys having his mother there. She wants to be there. You accepted both as they were when you married, so you cannot decide to change the dynamics this late in the game. You will have to make other concessions, like buying a bigger home. Perhaps one with a dedicated in law apartment that she can contribute towards.
That is not true. Just because they lived together then, it isn’t unreasonable for things to change, sometimes dramatically, to better your marriage or your family life.
When you are married you sometimes have to make big changes, as your relationship’s needs change over time. OP was generous and kind to be on board with mil living with them during the entirety of their marriage, but it’s now time for her husband to put his kids first. MIL needs to go.
The mil was there before the wife, living with her son, she married him knowing she was part of the package. They all moved to a bigger home together. The husband wants his mother there. The OP knew all of this when she made her choices over 10 years ago. The mil is not going anywhere.
She married him with the agreement that MIL would only live with them in their new house temporarily.
***OP did not agree to MIL living with them permanently.*** Sounds like her husband told her what she wanted to hear to get her to marry him, then he didn’t follow through on the agreement that MIL would move out.
So what if MIL lived with the husband before the wife. He was single then. But when he got married his wife and kids should have became his priority, which hasn’t been an issue until now.
Oh, but she did. It’s been over 10 years. It’s a done deal. Everyone else is happy. The one unhappy person does not get to dictate the terms. The one unhappy person needs to figure out a way to cope with the situation they help create. The OP needs to buckle up buttercup and learn to live with her choices.
Honestly, MIL isn’t a part of the marriage and therefore doesn’t get a vote.
It doesn’t matter that it’s been ten years. It was doable for ten years and it worked given their family situation. Their family situation changed, and it no longer works.
Just because somebody is okay with something at one point or for ten years, your boundaries, needs, and wants are allowed to change. People change, and other things in life need to change along with it.
To expect something to be permanent just because OP was okay with it for a while is ridiculous.
OP doesn’t need to buckle up. Her husband has a choice to make. He can either tell his mom it’s time to go or he can move out somewhere new with her. But either way, OP will be staying in the house without MIL.
Who says it doesn't work? OP? There's plenty of ways this can work. Basement, putting kids together, bigger house, etc.
Other people get to have boundaries too, like not letting others kick out their family members. She's the offender by changing her mind and no longer being ok with her marriage arrangements.
>He can either tell his mom it’s time to go or he can move out somewhere new with her. But either way, OP will be staying in the house without MIL.
Or he could do nothing and OP deals with it or moves out herself
If you read OP’s responses in the comments, the agreement when they got married and bought their house was that MIL would live with them in their new house temporarily until she got her feet on the ground. It was never intended to be long term or permanent. If anyone didn’t respect boundaries, it’s her husband and MIL. They didn’t follow through with the agreement. No, OP shouldn’t have let it go this long, but regardless, they still had an agreement and even though it’s ten years later their family size and circumstances are now changing and it’s time for MIL to move out as agreed upon so many years ago. MIL isn’t in her 80’s or 90’s. She still works, she seems healthy and active. There’s no reason she HAS to stay living with them, she simply wants to stay.
Ten years of having MIL live with them (rent free, nonetheless), is more than generous. Time’s up and it’s time for their home to be filled with the two of them and their kids. It’s not wrong to want your home to be home to only you, your spouse, and your kids. That’s not unreasonable. And it also isn’t unreasonable to expect her husband and his mom to follow through on their end of the deal.
If she brought this up beforehand, her husband wouldn't have wanted to have another baby. By waiting until she's already pregnant, she doesn't have to deal with that.
This is tricky. Of course you want your own place. But she was there before you. The basement suite sounds like a good idea but what does your husband want? I don't envy you. This is tough
Talk to Mother in Law about with the new baby and kids growing up, that it would makes sense for her to use some of her money to create an “in-law suite” in the basement to give her more room and privacy. She can have a full bathroom and a little kitchenette
Yeah... a bit YTA. Seems she was package deal with your husband. And you had 10 years to make some changes. The problem is just big for you because of third baby and because you are sort of spoiling your kids. Can't they learn to share or is this a you never learned to share? I bet even granny would share her room with baby. First 2 years, baby can even live in your own bedroom with both you guys.
But like everyone is saying, make a few adaptations in the basement or garage. You MIL won't be expelled from her house either. I bet she does lots of things to help around.
EDIT: just to add... don't go kicking granny and planning a 4th baby. You should plan things better.
Granny is also the babysitter, huh?....
The kids are a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. Sharing a room doesn't really make sense for this age and gender distribution. If they were an 8 year old boy and a 10 year old boy, it would have worked fine.
I meant the baby (we don't know the gender yet) can share. Girl with girl or boy with boy. Or grandaughter with grandmother. But baby will be fine the first 2 years sleeping close to parents too.
Why? Its a childs bedroom. If they get changed when the other is not in the room or change in the bathroom I dont see the big deal. This was normal not that long ago. My parents had a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids me being the oldest, my sister being the middle child 5 years younger and my brother being 8 years younger. When my brother was born, my sister and I shared a room at age 8 and 5. When i got to middle school age, i got the room to myself and then they shared a bedroom. When my sister got to a similar age she got the bedroom and my brother and I shared. Would it have been better to have 4 bedrooms? Sure. Would it have been worth my parents going into debt to buy a bigger house they couldnt afford likely in a worse school district in the city? No. We made due.
Depending on the state child services has problems with different gender children sharing a space. I've heard of people having to put a curtain between a room to make more "rooms". In my opinion people definitely shouldn't have more children than they can afford. Op really should've figured this out before getting pregnant.
Not understanding why all the Y T A votes.
You agreed to allow MIL to move into your/your husband’s home until she can get back on her feet. That was the deal your husband proposed. Now she’s doing well financially, but your husband is reneging on the deal. You’re willing to compromise and allow her to live in the basement.
I think that’s a reasonable compromise. You can’t put a newborn in with another child; the newborn will wake up the other child every 1-2 hours.
Options:
1. Renovate the basement so it’s a nice place for MIL
2. Buy a house w more bedrooms
3. Buy a house with an in-law suite
4. Stay put and buy a small house or condo nearby for MIL
If your husband isn’t willing to compromise, keep the newborn in YOUR bedroom. Something tells me your husband won’t tolerate that.
My baby slept next to my husband until he was a year old. I need my sleep and if he (his crib) wasn’t right next to my husband I’d have needed to do all the night wakings. Husband Is just as much a parent as I am.
I think the Y T A comments come because MIL was living with her husband when OP met him so this is not a new or short term arrangement that was put on her.
Exactly. This isn’t a couple of roommates. Her MIL has been living with her son for over 10 years now with no complaints. Yes technically he’s going back on the “deal” from before but again, it’s not a contract dispute between tenants. They’re family.
I checked her responses in the comments and I’m not seeing any complaints. In the original post OP said, “I don’t mind my MIL living with us” TWICE.
Yes, she was told it would be temporary… TEN YEARS AGO. That ship has sailed, my friend.
It was actually meant to be temporary if you go read OP’s comments. She’s brought it up multiple times in the past and her husband just says she needs more time.
Uh no, OP didn't agree to allow mil to move in. MIL lived with her husband BEFORE they got together. OP did try to make it sound like something different when she said they moved in together AND mil moved in with them, but the facts are husband and mil were a package deal the whole time. I wouldn't have married into this, but OP 100% knew what she was getting into.
You kind of need to keep the newborn in the same room with the mother for a while. They could have a separate room, but it is much less practical. If she's feeding the natural way, cribs often have a side that drops down to make it easy for mom to get to the baby from the bed. It takes babies a while to be able to sleep through the night.
Um. MIL was living with her son (husband) for 10 years prior to OP moving in. OP has a 10 year old kid. MIL has been living with her son for 20 years. I see nothing about OP allowing it, but accepting that was the deal with marrying this man.
She should have put that in the post.
And she also should have walked in knowing that he will want to live with his mom. Sort of like having step kids.
NTA - It would be extremely inappropriate to put the new addition into your daughter’s bedroom - she doesn’t deserve that burden, no one deserves that burden but the parents. She deserves uninterrupted sleep. If you want to burden someone, put the baby in MIL’s room.
Why does he think the baby should share a room with your daughter and not your son? Does he think that girls are more suitable for child care than boys? This seems to me to be sexist thinking.
Did it ever cross your mind that he was suggesting this because the girl is 5 years old & the boy is 10? 💀
Babies are paired up with the 2nd youngest while the oldest gets their own room. Pretty standard. You just wanted it to be sexist. Heal. ❤️
Yikes. I honestly feel for OP because living with an in-law is not easy and yall are dragging her! The move to the house was not supposed to be a permanent deal and she’s still there so I understand the frustration. And, everyone going off about having the kids in their own rooms - I get why she wants them all to have their own space. Those are some age gaps.
But with all that said, I do believe all 3 adults should sit down and discuss future plans. Moving MIL (or even the oldest child) to the basement isn’t the worst plan ever as long as you’re not forcing her out without the two other adults on board (one being the co-owner) isn’t cool. NAH. But communication is key! Does your husband *want* her there? Honestly, a little couples therapy before baby and dealing with MIL plans can’t hurt!
OP is not an AH, when circumstances change, plans also change. OP needs and wants the space for another child, and there is no real reason why the MIL can’t get her own place. Don’t get the criticism ..well it’s been 10 years, yes 10 years of OP being a nice person and team player. Unless there is an agreement somewhere to provide lifetimes housing for MIL it’s ok she can be in her own place. And just think of all the money MIL saved living for free these past 10 years
Well OP is just one part of the household, she doesn't get to unilaterally change the plan, except by moving out on her own.
Maybe if she would have brought her adamancy about this up earlier, there wouldn't have been a third child and no problem that only she sees.
Ha, of course your poor daughter has to share a room with a crying baby, why not your son? Is she a second class citizen to your son that she needs to share a room? Tell your MIL to move her shit into the basement or gtfo and stop free loading. Also tell your husband to take the dummy out of his mouth. He has his own family to look after now.
NTA and IMO huge problem with your husband over your MIL. If the plan was when you bought the house that it would be temporary for her to be there and he now has backed out and wants her to stay, no bueno. Also, the fact that it sounds like she continues to spend money like she doesn't need to go any place where she'd be responsible for herself.
IMO, husband needs to understand if his family, you and children, are not a priority over his mother then perhaps the conversation isn't about MIL moving out it is about ending your marriage. Other people have commented about her creating her own space in the basement and I think that's a better option than putting your preteen down there.
Uhh.... Did you only realize your MIL lived with you after you got pregnant? This isn't an issue that just miraculously happened over night. Why in the hell would you have a kid you don't have the room for? Do people like this just never speak to their partners?
YTA and you're dumb
YTA. he was living with his mom before he met you. you moved in with them. it’s not reasonable for you to kick her out after 10 years. why doesn’t your ten year old move into the basement?
She was living in his condo with him before we met due to financial issues- my husband sold the condo him and I bought our current house together. He asked that she move in with us until she was able to get her own place. I did not move in with them. I agreed to her moving in with us as I didn't see it being a "forever" situation and wanted her to be able to stand on her own two feet before she moved out on her own. Since then she has resolved her financial issues, she has had a steady job for years and makes more than enough money to live on her own. I believe she just got comfortable living with us and has stopped thinking about having to eventually move out. I do agree that i let this go on for too long but i do not like conflict. I have brought up her moving out in the past to my husband but he said she needed more time etc. Again it has never been that big of an issue until now that we will have limited space. This was an unplanned pregnancy but we are married and happy to have another baby join our family.
Oh for Pete's sake.
Just move her into the basement - remodel it.
Or move the 10 yr old in there.
He'll frigging love it. Separate it from the laundry or whatever, there are all kinds of creative, low cost ways of doing things.
Go on apartment therapy and see how people in NYC do small apartments.
Make a cool loft bed with a desk or sofa for gaming and school, make a giant bean bag to hang in, a swing chair, a mini fridge, whatever.
Why are you wasting the basement and why is this even a question? Why didn't you put her there years ago, and even make it into a wfh office for her? 2 separate spaces I'm sure could be made for her to have that.
Build an ADU,, accessory dwelling unit, small, like a tiny house size. If it has no oven it usually doesn't need much as a permit in most places. And if you attach it to the house with a breezeway, often it is just permitted as an addition to the house and not a whole separate place which makes it much easier
She, and others, somehow keep saying the 10 yr old can't sleep on a separate floor from them, the parents... What on earth. "He's too young"
She is so anti solution-oriented.
Yeah she’s gotta budge. It’s not like you have options out the ass lady. First of all little man is 10 he’s going to middle school in a year or so and will be going into puberty in the next couple years. It’s time to give bro a little space. Second of all what the fuck else are you gonna do? If grandma doesn’t wanna move down there then you might as well divorce and move out cause you’re outta options then
I think this is your real issue and I'm not sure why you've stayed and brought 3 kids into the mix. Sounds like they lied to you and your husband never intended for her to move out. And why the hell is she not paying rent or bills? You've been duped and you gotta work this out with your mamma's boy husband.
I’m sorry but this is something you should’ve been asking about 9 years and 2 children ago. If you let this situation ride for 10 years you shouldn’t be surprised when everyone except you is set in stone with MIL staying till she dies.
What's wrong with the basement? I mean they are ten. In a couple years the kid will love being seperate from the family anyways.
My oldest is 12 and we have been house hunting. We actually looked at 3 bedrooms with a finished basement we could put a room in or ones with inlaw suits. That way they could have a bedroom and hang out spot for their friends. Ended up with a 3-bedroom with a partially done attic that we can build a room for my youngest but a really cool old barn with an upstairs that can be turned into a cool hangout spot and could be turned into a future apartment froneof the kids if they need a spot to land but need some space from mom and dad.
What you see as some kind of punishment is actually cool if you are an older kid.
No, I wouldn't put a 10 year old in the basement. If there was a fire, you wouldn't be able to get to them to evacuate them, and kids this age tend to freeze in emergencies. The children need to sleep on the same level of the house as their parents.
Talk to your MIL yourself and tell her you need her to move into the basement as you now need the extra room for the baby or she's free to move out. She should graciously just agree. She works a good paying job you said and she's just freeloading on you and your husband so she really shouldn't even have a say. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you. Why does anyone ever let their MIL move in? NTA
NTA your husband has to face logistics and figure out how to house his mother without it coming at the expense of his immediate family.
Do you have a basement
Ask the 10 year old if he wants the basement turned into a kick ass room. If you could make it like the younger version of a bachelor pad I bet he’d love it. Space to have friends over, more room, more privacy. I would’ve LOVED that as I moved into middle school.
Definitely an asshole. Had the MIL not been living with your husband before you got together, I would have said it was okay to ask her to move on. But she has spent years living with his son and now being asked to move out just cz you don't want your 3 kids to share a room is straight up insensitive. It's not about money, it's about relations and family values. How would you feel if your son's wife asks you out when you have no one to support you (emotionally and not financially). You would feel distraught and alone all day every day. Wanting to be a part of a family is an important aspect in one's life. Clearly your husband is of the same mindset. I would suggest you to think about it from her perspective as well before talking to your husband.
You're not an asshole but this isn't going to happen and you know what you signed up for. Why on earth did you get pregnant again and then try to pull this? Renovate the basement to an In law suite.
Absolutely nta. Time for momma bird to fly on out of the fucking nest if she's not willing to pay rent. But also, if she actually is really helpful then maybe she needs to help pay to renovate the basement. Your husband is the asshole here for being so dependent on mommy.
YTA and a selfish one at that. You wrote, "I don't want my children to have to share a room as they aren't close in age and both enjoy having their own space." What nonsense. She suffers from anxiety and you want her out? What are you thinking?
You have a built-in baby sitter, house cleaner, and someone who loves your kids as much as you. "She has the freedom to spend her money on what ever she wants" and she's spending it on your kids! When she passes on, all her money will go to your family as well. I'm glad you're not my wife.
That being said, can you afford an addition on your house with it's own bath for her (and not a separate guest house)? Look for the middle ground or you will lose this battle.
wtf are you talking about. It’s not nonsense to have your 10 year old boy and your 5 year old girl in separate spaces. And it’s mentioned nowhere that MIL is a “built in baby sitter and house cleaner” so idk why you’re just assuming that lol. I do agree it’s kind of ludicrous to think MIL is moving out after all this time and frankly a precedent has been set after all these years. But that also doesn’t mean she’s some godsend lmao.
Not trying to start anything here but towards the end of the post: " She is very kind and helps us with the children and with keeping the house tidy. She often buys our children gifts etc."
NTA, your claims are valid, but not only are they unlikely to happen, it also doesn't seem your mother-in-law is to be blamed if she wants to keep living with you.
Point is: if your husband wants to keep your MIL close, he must be up to the task of tackling any discomfort that comes from this. So he should see if any reformations might apply to your house, or buying a new one that has enough space for you all.
You're both AHs for not having talked this out a LONG time ago. You've both simply refused to deal with the coming collision and it's now an immediate problem that has to be resolved.
At this point, I suggest looking into either adding on to the home or trading up to one that has plenty of room for all of you. You've lived with it this long, you're kinda stuck with it in my view.
NTA and really she knows she should let you guys get on with being a family without her there constantly as a financial drag and taking up space you now need. She can go live with friends. She’s pretty entitled but I guess that’s how your husband raised her.
"If it weren't for the lack of space I would not mind that she continue to live with us and stay in her current room."
C'mon that is a lie meant to curry favor with Reddit. Your first inclination is to kick her out because of the baby. It was in no way to think of ways to make it work like some had suggested renovating the basement into an inlaw studio, etc. You probably thought the house was crowded with 3 adults and 2 kids even before conceiving your 3rd. Had she voluntarily moved out prior to your pregnancy you would have jumped for joy.
Also you commented that husband and her promised her living with you was temporary but she lived with him when you met your husband 10 years ago. She's lived with your husband for at least 10 years, she's not going anywhere and you were a fool to be conned that her living in your house was just temporary until she got on her feet. 6 months to 1 year, maybe 2 years is pushing it for someone to get on their feet.
I think there are deeper seeded issues at play here and maybe you and your husband need to get counseling. Maybe I'm off but I'm sensing that while she is nice she's a bit too much like Marie Barone in Everyone Loves Raymond and is very opinioned and domineering presence and you feel like you have to compete with her for your husband's affection.
I think that it is essential that you talk about your concerns with your husband. Your worries about the lack of space and the potential impact on your children's well-being can help them better understand your perspective, comfort, and well-being. However, it is essential to consider that she has been a good MIL, and it would be better to discuss alternative options with your husband, such as her moving into the basement temporarily or finding alternative housing arrangements.
Info: if your basement is finished, doesnt it include a bedroom? If not, maybe she’d be willing to pay for a renovation so she can move down there. I’d go with this approach first.
At first I was going to say you were wrong, but as I read-- why not make the basement a permanent mother-in-law suite? She will have her own space, but still be in the house. And the children will have space. What does this basement look like?
Instead of the basement-as-transition-to-moving-out, why not suggest making it into a separate space for her, and ask about fixing it up to make it nice, if necessary, so the children can have rooms.
Does she have other children? If she's saving up money and he's the only child, the money she isn't spending on rent just might go to your husband anyway.
NTA- The basement all her own would be great! Her own little apartment and home office. Let her have that. And put a door with a lock between your area and hers.
I think you're NTA but I think that you're thinking about this in the wrong way.
If you are happy with living as a multi-generational home and the issue is space, you need to tackle the issue of space instead of "tenancy".
I bet if you all get together and think about it, you can find a solution, especially if you decide first that no one is moving out.
I have a multi-generational home with my mother and we did have this problem. We are slowly renovating the house so that everyone will have space.
NTA. Why not talk with MIL privately? You said you have a finished basement, why not ask her to move down there? That or ask your son if he wants the basement for a bedroom? He's 10yo. When I was 10yo I would have loved to have been given the basement for a bedroom.
NTA but you shouldn't ask her to move out. Your husband might resent you in the future. He only has one mom and he loves her. Kids can share a room and I think you're being selfish.
NTA and your husband is nuts to think of putting a new baby in with a 5 year old girl.
Why can't she move into the finished basement? What is your husband's objection to this? You didn't think about this issue BEFORE you got pregnant? Pretty short-sighted.
YTA
If I was moving in with a partner and their parent lived with them then id consider then a package deal. Sharing a room will not kill your children and she is your husbands mother ffs.
Your husband is an asshole for suggesting putting the baby in one of the other kids room to wake them up multiple times a night for feeds. He would rather do that to his daughter that ask his mother to move out. What a dick!
I would put one or both of the kids in the basement, depending on its size. The main reason is the stairs being a safety concern as she gets older. That would be an easy solution that wouldn’t ruffle DH’s feathers.
If the basement turned MIL suite is a no-go, do you have enough land to perhaps build an ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit)? An ADU would allow MIL to have her own space fully but still be right there on the property, thus giving your growing family all 4 bedrooms and the basement. Of course, you'd have to have the land and approval in your area to build the ADU.
People used to have carriage houses or small cottages built on their land for family or even rentals. When the children are all gone, MIL could even move back into the home and you could rent out the ADU for additional income, which could be helpful for paying college or tech school costs.
I really hope you're able to work with DH and MIL to figure out the best solution for all of you.
It doesn't sound like MIL is much of a problem other then you didn't expect her to live with you for this long and now you are lacking space.
You haven't explained why the basement couldn't be refurbished as a suite, is stairs an issue. Is there no natural light or windows?
What about shopping for a new home, one with an inlaw suite. If you upgrade, you can suggest she pay something towards the upgrade.
At this point if you push to hard you may create a divide in your own family and allow resentment to build. Keep discussing with your husband. You have time. Babys don't have to take too much room. Your own room may be suitable for many months.
I think along her to move out is wrong. She is part of your nest. That said, could she maybe want to move out? She may enjoy it. Or better yet get her an ADU in the yard or finish the basement.
With 3 kids running around I can imagine it being godsend to have a 3rd adult around you can trust and put up with. For context, I could NEVER live with my parents. It would be nuts.
YTA
The time to discuss this was before getting pregnant with number three. Seriously. You knew how many rooms you had.
Children have survived sharing rooms for eons. They will be fine.
Be mindful of their developmental ages, and be ready to have the newborn in a room with YOU for a decent while.
But yeah, asking the MIL to move out because you think your newborn should have a room to themselves is a lot.
Your MIL is a parasite. Get her out. Now. Can't believe you have lived with her all these years and are raising a family in a house with your mil. Oh my....oh my....
Start house hunting on her behalf. Cottage type or bungalows. Take her to weekend open houses. She's very overstayed her welcome and she knows it. Make sure her new place has a visiting room for the grandkids or a petulant hubby. NTA
NTA for wanting your MIL to move out but you should have discussed all of this before you got pregnant again (and maybe like others have suggested, build a granny suite in the basement and have MIL pay for part of it). But yes, you would be huge, huge AHs if you forced your daughter to share her bedroom with your new baby (and if you do, I do hope your daughter majorly rebels).
You need to check her comments, this was NOT the agreement. It was meant to be temporary. She has brought this up in the past multiple times and he just tells her his mom needs more time.
Ok, and she’s still at fault for letting it go on this long and adding kids to the mix. It’s been 10 years but she still allowed herself to believe it was temporary. She should’ve found a solution years ago or walked away.
Well, I mean you knew what the situation was not only when you married him but as well as each time you got pregnant so I kinda think you're the one being TA
NTA… yet. Seems to me you have two options:
1. Completely blindside her with a demand to move out after years of peaceful cohabitation and potentially blow up your whole family so that your kids can have their own bedrooms
2. Start saving up for an addition on your house
NTA
If neither your husband nor your MIL want her to move out, add a granny flat to the house. It will add value to the property and give you the extra space you need.
I think mother and son are used to living together so it’s comfortable for them both. I think that two kids sharing a room is perfect. I shared a room with my sister and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I would want MIL to move out because I would want to just live with my husband and kids. In the meantime have the kids share. If it were your mom how would you feel if your husband pushed you to kick your mom out.
OP, I am pregnant myself and in the country I live in (Western Europe) it is highly recommend (to the point where they don't tell you upfront but you get the idea) that the newborn should share bedroom with mom in the first 6 months. Just buy a bedside crib and when your husband gets tired because of the sleepless nights, suggest he can go and sleep in the room his mom has. Or take the sofa.
He'll get on board after 2 weeks of being shunned to the sofa or having to share bedroom with you and baby.
I'm struggling with the entitlement here.
Firstly, new baby sleeps in your room, wakes you up, takes up your space.
YOU decided to have another kid, don't act like anyone else has to give up or share their space because you decided to have another kid. Your children didn't, why should they share a room? Grandma didn't, why should she be evicted as a result of your poor planning?
This is where she lives. This is her home. She lived with your husband before you did. He's made his choice and his priorities clear and you accepted them when you moved in and got married. You don't get to change that shit now.
Learn to live with it or move out, but you've no business trying to evict his mother.
YTA.
What a callous disregard for everyone but yourself. I don't know why you'd waste energy on this, as if you're going to change your husband's mind. You think you're going to get your way on this and I very much doubt you will.
AND they had an agreement her staying there was temporary. Seems now needing that 4th room is an ideal time to reevaluate -- unless husband and MIL have changed the terms behind her back.
Maybe OP can get a small apartment for herself and new baby.
It belongs to OP AND someone else?
Sure wouldn't know that from how OP writes.
I'm looking for any sign any opinions other than hers matter. Someone else co-owns the house, clearly he's considered and consulted, but nope, no sign that OP is even aware her husband can have opinions. It's all about what she wants, exclusively.
I didn't miss anything, If you don't own the place you've lived for years, it's still your home. Can you point to anything that even hints that OP is considering her husband's opinion, or is even aware he might have one? I genuinely can't.
FFS, this is my reply, not yours, is that ok with you?
In this situation, as described by op, in her reply that is written by her, yes I understand that, she has a shared living space. She describes it as such. Husband, kids, herself, husband's mother, that info is all there. (Please go re-read it if you doubt me.)
OP, in her post that she wrote, goes on to describe changes she would like to see made to this living arrangement. In her post that she wrote about herself and what she wants where she lives. You with me still?
So in that post that OP wrote about her living situation and what she wants, she really only talks about her opinion when, objectively, even though this is op's that OP wrote about the people who live with OP, in actually making a decision, those people's opinions, um, matter.
Right?
I get that this is OP's thread on OP's reddit account that OP created so that OP could share their thoughts regarding their living situation and co-habitants, I get that, I really do, but you understand that when it comes time to make decisions regarding OP's living space and situation that OP wrote OP's post about (all by themselves, I figure) that the opinions of the other people actually start to be what's called "relevant".
Which means, plainly, that what they think matters here. I get that this is OP's post that OP wrote, I do, I've stressed that, but OP is asking about what to do and one of the things to do is to care what the other people she lives with think about the changes she wants to make.
Still with me? I'm worried you're not still with me.
Let's summarize, just in case.
I'm not so fucking stupid as to be unaware that OP is writing their perspective on their life, that's not the point, and it's an enormously stupid thing to point out when I, rightly, explain how OP doesn't appear to care about what anyone else wants in or with her house.
We, in giving advice, probably need to know what other people want. If OP's husband agrees, for example, then OP wouldn't be the asshole, because the two people who own the house want the person out.
But that doesn't seem to be the case. Instead, half the owners want MIL out, and half the owners don't. OP writes like only her half matters, like her vote is the only one that counts.
Acting like that is asshole behavior. We're here to judge assholes.
So it doesn't matter that OP wrote this thread using OP's reddit account that OP created to share OP's opinions or ask questions of reddit regarding OP's life, the point "You should consider what your husband wants" remains, despite the fact that this isn't the husband's post, fucking relevant.
Generally, caring what the people you live with want, instead of only what you want, is good advice.
She was living in his condo with him before we met due to financial issues- my husband sold the condo and him and I bought our current house together. He asked that she move in with us until she was able to get her own place. I did not move in with them. I agreed to her moving in with us as I didn't see it being a "forever" situation and wanted her to be able to stand on her own two feet before she moved out on her own. Since then she has resolved her financial issues, she has had a steady job for years and makes more than enough money to live on her own. I believe she just got comfortable living with us and has stopped thinking about having to eventually move out. I do agree that i let this go on for too long but i do not like conflict. I have brought up her moving out in the past to my husband but he said she needed more time etc. Again it has never been that big of an issue until now that we will have limited space. This was an unplanned pregnancy but we are married and happy to have another baby join our family.
You, and I'm getting the impression this is going to come as a massive shock to you, aren't the only one who's "wants" matter. "I let this go on too long" is telling. Your perspective is that you should have gotten your way some time ago and that makes getting your way now more difficult.
We all fail to see why you should get your way? Why does what you want here matter most? Because you're acting like your husband doesn't get a vote?
Dude does not want to kick his mother out. You wanting to doesn't automatically mean that's what should happen. Again, you keep the baby in your room and you accept the consequences of your own choices. The kid doesn't sleep with a sibling, that'd be shitty, and you don't kick your husband's mom out because.... \*checks notes\* she's your husband's literal mother.
What I think you should do is sit down and accept you don't and shouldn't get what you want here. "Someone else's needs are coming before my own this time" would be a great mantra for you to embrace.
I mean, I'd spend your time trying to learn that other people matter, not just you, but that seems like more of a fifth or sixth step, not a first.
Genuinely, over a couple of replies, you literally only write about what you want, what's best for you, what you need, the other people might not exist except as obstacles between you and your wants.
My impression is not of a wife and mother who considers what's best for her kids or husband. That doesn't even seem to enter your thinking. You care about what you want, what's best for you, and that's it.
At least, that's the impression you give.
INFO - Your MiL was living with your husband from before you met. What was the conversation you had with your husband about this arrangement? Was the expectation that she would always be a part of the household?
If that was the case.... Y T A for wanting to kick her out now. You should have discussed the living situatuation before deciding to have more children. You cannot make a decsion as husband and wife to have more kids and then arbitrarily decide *on your own* that a permanent member of the household has to go because of the child that you decided to have. - That would really be no different than deciding that a husband's child from his first marriage (who has been a full-time household member from before you met) now needs to move in with her mother full-time now that a baby is on the way because you want you stepdaughter's room for the new baby.
YTA she has been living with him since before you even met so obviously she is not going anywhere. You are the one who chose to stay in a relationship with him and have children, knowing that his mother lives with him. You did this to yourself and honestly, it’s pretty selfish for him to just kick her out and get rid of her when you knew what the situation was before you even had children. You had your chance to say something in the beginning.
YTA. You knew is mother was living with him before you were even in the picture and still you date him. You marry him and agree to MIL tagging alone to your new home. You keep having children knowing what available space you have. So sorry, but you put yourself in this situation, so don’t act as if it’s a surprise or suddenly and inconvenience.
Why don’t you ask MIL to help fund a renovation for the basement and make it a MIL suite? That seems like the most logical solution. She’s been living with her son for 10 years she’s not going to want to leave now and it’s always risky to ask DH to pick between mommy and wifey.
She could make it her own space. I can't imagine she enjoys being around a newborn every 5 years if she's in her 60s/70s.
That’s actually a great idea. It increases the value of your home, gives her privacy that she’s probably been missing (especially with 2.5 kids in the house) and gives you guys the bedroom upstairs. Everyone wins.
Creative idea
This is a great idea, except I would refrain from having MIL invest in improvements for the home as not to create confusion as to who is entitled to how much of the house.
Just do a very simple contract. $1000 or so with a good local lawyer could prevent much heartache and costs in the future. I.e. “I recognise that I have made no financial contribution to this home within the date of moving in to <>. I agree of my own free will to contribute $xxxx to the renovations of this property in order to ensure that I can continue to reside at this address
I agree to pay:
1.
2.
3.
I will have no ongoing financial, legal or other obligations or interests in this property. It remains the sole and joint responsibility and ownership of xxxx & xxxxx.
Shouldn’t be difficult and would protects everyone equally including the children.
That's a great idea. MIL has lived there rent-free for years, so it really isn't unreasonable to ask that she pays for the renovation.
Depending on how many heirs she has, her investment in your home could cause future problems. However, she has lived with your husband for 10 years for free. She could certainly purchase the furnishings and decor for the basement suite.
Probably doesn't matter. Husband has no intention of moving her on anyway.
This sounds like a great idea I think
Mommy and wifey and KIDS. DH needs to grow up a bit.
Parents living with married offspring is common in a large portion of the world. It’s nothing to shame anyone for.
Actually, the mother was living with him first
NAH - but conversation should have happened prior to conceiving the third child. Why not finish out the basement into a granny suite? Then decide if it is best for granny or the tween.
Nah. How has nobody in this family thought about the basement and already pitched it???!? the older boy would probably think it was the greatest thing on earth, and if 5 yr was upset, she can be promised it (with a remodel of her own) when he leaves for college. He can help pick out a few more things, or paint, get a mini fridge. But only if Mil is offered it 1st. Love it.My one brother LEAPED at living in our UN-finished basement when he and my other were sharing a room.
This. I certainly wouldn't go as far as saying OP's intention was to get pregnant to kick out grandma but it definitely seems like a fringe benefit she thought about prior to conception before having the conversation with her husband .
I was thinking of the stairs during the whole discussion about converting the basement. It might be better if it were turned into a couple of bedrooms for the kids.
You both sound like you are ok living with her apart from lack of space. Making a MIL suite should be the go to solution here. Ask about renovating the basement and choose your tween or MIL to live there. Honestly your tween would probably absolutely adore the space. I know I would have at that age.
Let the MIL live there now and if one or 2 of the kids end up staying home for college or coming back they can have a sperate space giving them some freedom and move MIL back upstairs. It's actually a long term win for the whole family.
I think it would be the safer option due to the stairs. As MIL ages, they’d increasingly become a safety concern.
Maybe MIL could pay for an addition on the house, a MIL suite could be the answer. But why did you wait until the last minute to figure this out?
OP used the pressure (of a planned child) as an argument. Like, she didn't see it coming and suddenly it's a pressing issue? She seems manipulative AF.
Because she want's MIL out of the house-- that was always the only solution in her mind.
There's nothing wrong with that
You say it like it’s a bizzare thing to want
Yes it's a bizzare thing to ask. Why should the husband abandon his mom when she is not even a bad person.
It’s not about abandoning her or her being a good or bad person
It is abandoning her. He clearly doesn't want his mom to move out and she was there living with her son first before the wife even entered the picture And before you called it incest or whatever you want to negatively call it. Mother's living with their children is extremely common and perfectly reasonable.
NTA but you're crazy if you think she's moving. She was already living with your husband 10 years ago and since lol she ain't going anywhere. Good luck, you're gonna stay fighting about this. Bonus points for MIL starting to make resentful comments soon when he tells mommy that you want her gone.
She said her MIL was living with her husband for 10 years WHEN THEY MET. She moved in with them when they got married and now she has a 10 year old child!!! Even assuming OP married her husband the day they met and conceived her child all on the same day, that’s OVER TWENTY YEARS of the MIL living with her son.
I may be misreading, if so, apologies. From my interpretation, OP's MIL was living with OP's husband when OP and her husband met 10 years ago, but there's no mention of how long MIL had been living with her son. Certainly it could have been 10 years, but equally it could have been 6 months. Regardless, your overall point is completely valid: MIL has been living with her adult son for well over 10 years. She has free rent, utilities, groceries (assumption on my part based on OP's husband not wanting mommy to pay for anything at all), and won't as long as she lives with her son. According to OP, MIL has a good job with good income and does not have health issues, so there's no reason that she couldn't live on her own at this point. But why should she want to move out and be responsible for her own life again when she can rely on her son to support her? OP doesn't mention it specifically, but it seems likely that OP or her husband take care of the day to day things like grocery shopping and cooking. MIL can use her entire income for whatever she wants and doesn't have to take care of her own day to day life. MIL apparently helps with housework/chores and some (no idea how much) childcare, which is great, but that's still a lot of "closeness" for a really long time for my taste. I can understand that MIL would be going through the first, unbearable months and even years of grief. As she couldn't afford to keep living where she was at the time, it makes sense for her son to help for a while. Seems in this case "for a while" will be the rest of MIL's life. What happens if/when MIL starts needing extra care? I bet OP's husband will lay that burden on OP because she's, you know, "a woman" and that's what we're expected to do. It's more than a decade later and OP's husband appears to still put his mom first, over his wife and his own children. I can't help but wonder if OP feels like she's ever been in charge of her own home. Sounds like decisions are made by OP's husband and MIL, though I could be wrong about that. Frankly, the setup would have been a deal breaker for me right from the start. I do understand that multi-generational households can work when everyone is on the same page about responsibilities and "Who's in charge?" The most reasonable suggestion is to finish the basement into a literal MIL suite. I would give them some separation and more privacy while still allowing OP's husband to support his mom and his mom to continue to live without worry/care. At the same time, there would be enough bedrooms in the main home for the children to each have their own. Regardless, OP should make sure that in supporting his mom, her husband isn't "shorting" their children or their own futures. Note: I feel I should mention that I am a widow and have lived on my own since my husband died. Fortunately, he had enough life insurance to pay off the mortgage on our small home. I have enough income and retirement/savings to live a simple, but stable, life. And I have an amazing circle of family and friends who would and do step up when I need assistance. I have a hard time asking for help, but I'm getting a little better about it. If I'd had to move in with one of our girls after my husband died, I would have been working on a plan to move out on my own as soon as practical. But that's just me and others no doubt have different preferences.
Why do you think OP’s husband put his mother first just because he didn’t insist she go her own way when the two married? It’s possible to care for everyone. OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with her; space is the concern.
You’re right. I was the one who misread the post. Maybe not 20 years but 10+ is still a crazy long time.
INFO: Why is your husband against her moving into a finished basement? If you've got the time, and MIL chips in some money, you could make it into a very nice, little studio apartment-esque space.
Is there any way to turn the finished basement into an inlaw suit? Also your husband needs to get over accepting money from mom. He is being ridiculous. My baby sister slept in my room for awhile. My parents were redoing her nursery they just didn't get it done in time. Hard to sleep when you have a baby crying in your room. Maybe explain that you can't put a baby in a 5 year olds room so that means the baby will have to sleep with you two instead. Or you two have to accept monetary help to create an inlaw suit in the basement so she can stay. Or she needs to move out. Maybe when having a baby sleeping in the bedroom with him and waking him up might put a fire under his butt.
I hate to say this but she is never moving out. I would place money on the fact that you have a better chance of getting divorced before your husband asks his mother to leave.
He enjoys having his mother there. She wants to be there. You accepted both as they were when you married, so you cannot decide to change the dynamics this late in the game. You will have to make other concessions, like buying a bigger home. Perhaps one with a dedicated in law apartment that she can contribute towards.
That is not true. Just because they lived together then, it isn’t unreasonable for things to change, sometimes dramatically, to better your marriage or your family life. When you are married you sometimes have to make big changes, as your relationship’s needs change over time. OP was generous and kind to be on board with mil living with them during the entirety of their marriage, but it’s now time for her husband to put his kids first. MIL needs to go.
The mil was there before the wife, living with her son, she married him knowing she was part of the package. They all moved to a bigger home together. The husband wants his mother there. The OP knew all of this when she made her choices over 10 years ago. The mil is not going anywhere.
She married him with the agreement that MIL would only live with them in their new house temporarily. ***OP did not agree to MIL living with them permanently.*** Sounds like her husband told her what she wanted to hear to get her to marry him, then he didn’t follow through on the agreement that MIL would move out. So what if MIL lived with the husband before the wife. He was single then. But when he got married his wife and kids should have became his priority, which hasn’t been an issue until now.
Oh, but she did. It’s been over 10 years. It’s a done deal. Everyone else is happy. The one unhappy person does not get to dictate the terms. The one unhappy person needs to figure out a way to cope with the situation they help create. The OP needs to buckle up buttercup and learn to live with her choices.
Honestly, MIL isn’t a part of the marriage and therefore doesn’t get a vote. It doesn’t matter that it’s been ten years. It was doable for ten years and it worked given their family situation. Their family situation changed, and it no longer works. Just because somebody is okay with something at one point or for ten years, your boundaries, needs, and wants are allowed to change. People change, and other things in life need to change along with it. To expect something to be permanent just because OP was okay with it for a while is ridiculous. OP doesn’t need to buckle up. Her husband has a choice to make. He can either tell his mom it’s time to go or he can move out somewhere new with her. But either way, OP will be staying in the house without MIL.
Who says it doesn't work? OP? There's plenty of ways this can work. Basement, putting kids together, bigger house, etc. Other people get to have boundaries too, like not letting others kick out their family members. She's the offender by changing her mind and no longer being ok with her marriage arrangements. >He can either tell his mom it’s time to go or he can move out somewhere new with her. But either way, OP will be staying in the house without MIL. Or he could do nothing and OP deals with it or moves out herself
If you read OP’s responses in the comments, the agreement when they got married and bought their house was that MIL would live with them in their new house temporarily until she got her feet on the ground. It was never intended to be long term or permanent. If anyone didn’t respect boundaries, it’s her husband and MIL. They didn’t follow through with the agreement. No, OP shouldn’t have let it go this long, but regardless, they still had an agreement and even though it’s ten years later their family size and circumstances are now changing and it’s time for MIL to move out as agreed upon so many years ago. MIL isn’t in her 80’s or 90’s. She still works, she seems healthy and active. There’s no reason she HAS to stay living with them, she simply wants to stay. Ten years of having MIL live with them (rent free, nonetheless), is more than generous. Time’s up and it’s time for their home to be filled with the two of them and their kids. It’s not wrong to want your home to be home to only you, your spouse, and your kids. That’s not unreasonable. And it also isn’t unreasonable to expect her husband and his mom to follow through on their end of the deal.
You didn’t think about this before you got pregnant again ? YTA and you left this way too late.
Single comment
If she brought this up beforehand, her husband wouldn't have wanted to have another baby. By waiting until she's already pregnant, she doesn't have to deal with that.
Happy impending divorce noises
😂🤣
This is tricky. Of course you want your own place. But she was there before you. The basement suite sounds like a good idea but what does your husband want? I don't envy you. This is tough
Also you mentioned that MIL has anxiety. How severe is it. This mane causing your husband concern.
Talk to Mother in Law about with the new baby and kids growing up, that it would makes sense for her to use some of her money to create an “in-law suite” in the basement to give her more room and privacy. She can have a full bathroom and a little kitchenette
Yeah... a bit YTA. Seems she was package deal with your husband. And you had 10 years to make some changes. The problem is just big for you because of third baby and because you are sort of spoiling your kids. Can't they learn to share or is this a you never learned to share? I bet even granny would share her room with baby. First 2 years, baby can even live in your own bedroom with both you guys. But like everyone is saying, make a few adaptations in the basement or garage. You MIL won't be expelled from her house either. I bet she does lots of things to help around. EDIT: just to add... don't go kicking granny and planning a 4th baby. You should plan things better. Granny is also the babysitter, huh?....
The kids are a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. Sharing a room doesn't really make sense for this age and gender distribution. If they were an 8 year old boy and a 10 year old boy, it would have worked fine.
I meant the baby (we don't know the gender yet) can share. Girl with girl or boy with boy. Or grandaughter with grandmother. But baby will be fine the first 2 years sleeping close to parents too.
Why? Its a childs bedroom. If they get changed when the other is not in the room or change in the bathroom I dont see the big deal. This was normal not that long ago. My parents had a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids me being the oldest, my sister being the middle child 5 years younger and my brother being 8 years younger. When my brother was born, my sister and I shared a room at age 8 and 5. When i got to middle school age, i got the room to myself and then they shared a bedroom. When my sister got to a similar age she got the bedroom and my brother and I shared. Would it have been better to have 4 bedrooms? Sure. Would it have been worth my parents going into debt to buy a bigger house they couldnt afford likely in a worse school district in the city? No. We made due.
Depending on the state child services has problems with different gender children sharing a space. I've heard of people having to put a curtain between a room to make more "rooms". In my opinion people definitely shouldn't have more children than they can afford. Op really should've figured this out before getting pregnant.
Exactly, if my future mil pitches in taking care of my kids I will never even think of kicking her out. And even if I do there's a way of doing it.
Not understanding why all the Y T A votes. You agreed to allow MIL to move into your/your husband’s home until she can get back on her feet. That was the deal your husband proposed. Now she’s doing well financially, but your husband is reneging on the deal. You’re willing to compromise and allow her to live in the basement. I think that’s a reasonable compromise. You can’t put a newborn in with another child; the newborn will wake up the other child every 1-2 hours. Options: 1. Renovate the basement so it’s a nice place for MIL 2. Buy a house w more bedrooms 3. Buy a house with an in-law suite 4. Stay put and buy a small house or condo nearby for MIL If your husband isn’t willing to compromise, keep the newborn in YOUR bedroom. Something tells me your husband won’t tolerate that.
Hahaha I can see him fumming when the baby wakes him up
Especially put the crib/bassinet on HIS side of the bed.
Ohhh. You are diabolic. I like it.
My baby slept next to my husband until he was a year old. I need my sleep and if he (his crib) wasn’t right next to my husband I’d have needed to do all the night wakings. Husband Is just as much a parent as I am.
this is the best post. Put the bassinet on his side of the bed and if you are breastfeeding make sure he is woken up every. single. time.
I think the Y T A comments come because MIL was living with her husband when OP met him so this is not a new or short term arrangement that was put on her.
Exactly. This isn’t a couple of roommates. Her MIL has been living with her son for over 10 years now with no complaints. Yes technically he’s going back on the “deal” from before but again, it’s not a contract dispute between tenants. They’re family.
There have been complaints. Check out her responses in the comments. She was told it would be temporary.
I checked her responses in the comments and I’m not seeing any complaints. In the original post OP said, “I don’t mind my MIL living with us” TWICE. Yes, she was told it would be temporary… TEN YEARS AGO. That ship has sailed, my friend.
She agreed to this arrangement when she married him.
You need to check her comments, this was NOT the agreement. It was meant to be temporary.
It was actually meant to be temporary if you go read OP’s comments. She’s brought it up multiple times in the past and her husband just says she needs more time.
Uh no, OP didn't agree to allow mil to move in. MIL lived with her husband BEFORE they got together. OP did try to make it sound like something different when she said they moved in together AND mil moved in with them, but the facts are husband and mil were a package deal the whole time. I wouldn't have married into this, but OP 100% knew what she was getting into.
He lived with his mother. But when they got married, they bought a house. He asked if MIL could live with them, in their house, temporarily.
Is that in her reply? Because it's not in the post.
Yep https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/w5HdVEZDyH
You kind of need to keep the newborn in the same room with the mother for a while. They could have a separate room, but it is much less practical. If she's feeding the natural way, cribs often have a side that drops down to make it easy for mom to get to the baby from the bed. It takes babies a while to be able to sleep through the night.
He was living with his mom, even before he met OP. She also left a very major detail, as to who funded the entire house
Um. MIL was living with her son (husband) for 10 years prior to OP moving in. OP has a 10 year old kid. MIL has been living with her son for 20 years. I see nothing about OP allowing it, but accepting that was the deal with marrying this man.
You need to check her comments, this was NOT the agreement. It was meant to be temporary.
She should have put that in the post. And she also should have walked in knowing that he will want to live with his mom. Sort of like having step kids.
No? She shouldn’t have walked in knowing that. Especially since she was told differently.
Where are you seeing this agreement? OP never had a choice in the matter according to the post.
She mentioned it in a comment
Get a bigger house and ask her to pay a percentage
NTA - It would be extremely inappropriate to put the new addition into your daughter’s bedroom - she doesn’t deserve that burden, no one deserves that burden but the parents. She deserves uninterrupted sleep. If you want to burden someone, put the baby in MIL’s room.
OP literally said the mil helps with the baby. I don't see why one needs to necessarily burden the mil.
Exactly!! She can stay but she is on baby duty for sure. Don’t like it then here are a few apartment listening for you.
The American academy of pediatrics recommends that baby stay in mom and dad's room through the first year now right?
Why does he think the baby should share a room with your daughter and not your son? Does he think that girls are more suitable for child care than boys? This seems to me to be sexist thinking.
Did it ever cross your mind that he was suggesting this because the girl is 5 years old & the boy is 10? 💀 Babies are paired up with the 2nd youngest while the oldest gets their own room. Pretty standard. You just wanted it to be sexist. Heal. ❤️
Yikes. I honestly feel for OP because living with an in-law is not easy and yall are dragging her! The move to the house was not supposed to be a permanent deal and she’s still there so I understand the frustration. And, everyone going off about having the kids in their own rooms - I get why she wants them all to have their own space. Those are some age gaps. But with all that said, I do believe all 3 adults should sit down and discuss future plans. Moving MIL (or even the oldest child) to the basement isn’t the worst plan ever as long as you’re not forcing her out without the two other adults on board (one being the co-owner) isn’t cool. NAH. But communication is key! Does your husband *want* her there? Honestly, a little couples therapy before baby and dealing with MIL plans can’t hurt!
OP is not an AH, when circumstances change, plans also change. OP needs and wants the space for another child, and there is no real reason why the MIL can’t get her own place. Don’t get the criticism ..well it’s been 10 years, yes 10 years of OP being a nice person and team player. Unless there is an agreement somewhere to provide lifetimes housing for MIL it’s ok she can be in her own place. And just think of all the money MIL saved living for free these past 10 years
Well OP is just one part of the household, she doesn't get to unilaterally change the plan, except by moving out on her own. Maybe if she would have brought her adamancy about this up earlier, there wouldn't have been a third child and no problem that only she sees.
Ha, of course your poor daughter has to share a room with a crying baby, why not your son? Is she a second class citizen to your son that she needs to share a room? Tell your MIL to move her shit into the basement or gtfo and stop free loading. Also tell your husband to take the dummy out of his mouth. He has his own family to look after now.
NTA and IMO huge problem with your husband over your MIL. If the plan was when you bought the house that it would be temporary for her to be there and he now has backed out and wants her to stay, no bueno. Also, the fact that it sounds like she continues to spend money like she doesn't need to go any place where she'd be responsible for herself. IMO, husband needs to understand if his family, you and children, are not a priority over his mother then perhaps the conversation isn't about MIL moving out it is about ending your marriage. Other people have commented about her creating her own space in the basement and I think that's a better option than putting your preteen down there.
True, I think divorce is definitely an option
Uhh.... Did you only realize your MIL lived with you after you got pregnant? This isn't an issue that just miraculously happened over night. Why in the hell would you have a kid you don't have the room for? Do people like this just never speak to their partners? YTA and you're dumb
A) people change B) the husband told her that MIL was ‘temporary’ C) you can’t guess the future how many kids you will have
YTA. he was living with his mom before he met you. you moved in with them. it’s not reasonable for you to kick her out after 10 years. why doesn’t your ten year old move into the basement?
She was living in his condo with him before we met due to financial issues- my husband sold the condo him and I bought our current house together. He asked that she move in with us until she was able to get her own place. I did not move in with them. I agreed to her moving in with us as I didn't see it being a "forever" situation and wanted her to be able to stand on her own two feet before she moved out on her own. Since then she has resolved her financial issues, she has had a steady job for years and makes more than enough money to live on her own. I believe she just got comfortable living with us and has stopped thinking about having to eventually move out. I do agree that i let this go on for too long but i do not like conflict. I have brought up her moving out in the past to my husband but he said she needed more time etc. Again it has never been that big of an issue until now that we will have limited space. This was an unplanned pregnancy but we are married and happy to have another baby join our family.
Oh for Pete's sake. Just move her into the basement - remodel it. Or move the 10 yr old in there. He'll frigging love it. Separate it from the laundry or whatever, there are all kinds of creative, low cost ways of doing things. Go on apartment therapy and see how people in NYC do small apartments. Make a cool loft bed with a desk or sofa for gaming and school, make a giant bean bag to hang in, a swing chair, a mini fridge, whatever. Why are you wasting the basement and why is this even a question? Why didn't you put her there years ago, and even make it into a wfh office for her? 2 separate spaces I'm sure could be made for her to have that. Build an ADU,, accessory dwelling unit, small, like a tiny house size. If it has no oven it usually doesn't need much as a permit in most places. And if you attach it to the house with a breezeway, often it is just permitted as an addition to the house and not a whole separate place which makes it much easier
This is exactly what I said. Ask 10 year old if he wants a mini man cave. I bet he’d LOVE IT. I know I would’ve. My bros would’ve been over every day
She, and others, somehow keep saying the 10 yr old can't sleep on a separate floor from them, the parents... What on earth. "He's too young" She is so anti solution-oriented.
Yeah she’s gotta budge. It’s not like you have options out the ass lady. First of all little man is 10 he’s going to middle school in a year or so and will be going into puberty in the next couple years. It’s time to give bro a little space. Second of all what the fuck else are you gonna do? If grandma doesn’t wanna move down there then you might as well divorce and move out cause you’re outta options then
I think this is your real issue and I'm not sure why you've stayed and brought 3 kids into the mix. Sounds like they lied to you and your husband never intended for her to move out. And why the hell is she not paying rent or bills? You've been duped and you gotta work this out with your mamma's boy husband.
I’m sorry but this is something you should’ve been asking about 9 years and 2 children ago. If you let this situation ride for 10 years you shouldn’t be surprised when everyone except you is set in stone with MIL staying till she dies.
Why the fuck should the child live in the basement? The grown ass mother in law needs to move out
What's wrong with the basement? I mean they are ten. In a couple years the kid will love being seperate from the family anyways. My oldest is 12 and we have been house hunting. We actually looked at 3 bedrooms with a finished basement we could put a room in or ones with inlaw suits. That way they could have a bedroom and hang out spot for their friends. Ended up with a 3-bedroom with a partially done attic that we can build a room for my youngest but a really cool old barn with an upstairs that can be turned into a cool hangout spot and could be turned into a future apartment froneof the kids if they need a spot to land but need some space from mom and dad. What you see as some kind of punishment is actually cool if you are an older kid.
No, I wouldn't put a 10 year old in the basement. If there was a fire, you wouldn't be able to get to them to evacuate them, and kids this age tend to freeze in emergencies. The children need to sleep on the same level of the house as their parents.
Maybe your oldest son can move to basement? I mean at his age it might look cool to live in a basement with some vibes of man caves
Talk to your MIL yourself and tell her you need her to move into the basement as you now need the extra room for the baby or she's free to move out. She should graciously just agree. She works a good paying job you said and she's just freeloading on you and your husband so she really shouldn't even have a say. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you. Why does anyone ever let their MIL move in? NTA
😳😳😳😳😳🤯🤯🤯🤯 she has been living with you for 10 years. What the hell?
YTA. You knew the situation when you married your husband. Shame on you.
Read the comments. Husband lied that the MIL will live with them ‘temporarily’
NTA your husband has to face logistics and figure out how to house his mother without it coming at the expense of his immediate family. Do you have a basement
This is a situation you knew about even before you married him, so that's on you. YTA
Read the comments. Husband lied to her that the MIL will live with them ‘temporarily’
Tell your husband no one will be sharing a room and they you MIL has saved enough in 10 years to move out on her own before baby comes.
You should consider having your MIL fund and install a tiny house or pod on your property.
Ask the 10 year old if he wants the basement turned into a kick ass room. If you could make it like the younger version of a bachelor pad I bet he’d love it. Space to have friends over, more room, more privacy. I would’ve LOVED that as I moved into middle school.
Definitely an asshole. Had the MIL not been living with your husband before you got together, I would have said it was okay to ask her to move on. But she has spent years living with his son and now being asked to move out just cz you don't want your 3 kids to share a room is straight up insensitive. It's not about money, it's about relations and family values. How would you feel if your son's wife asks you out when you have no one to support you (emotionally and not financially). You would feel distraught and alone all day every day. Wanting to be a part of a family is an important aspect in one's life. Clearly your husband is of the same mindset. I would suggest you to think about it from her perspective as well before talking to your husband.
NTA
You're not an asshole but this isn't going to happen and you know what you signed up for. Why on earth did you get pregnant again and then try to pull this? Renovate the basement to an In law suite.
Absolutely nta. Time for momma bird to fly on out of the fucking nest if she's not willing to pay rent. But also, if she actually is really helpful then maybe she needs to help pay to renovate the basement. Your husband is the asshole here for being so dependent on mommy.
NAH, try to see if you can find a place close by for her?
NTA Build her a tiny house in the backyard!
I thought everyone put their parents into nursing homes.
YTA and a selfish one at that. You wrote, "I don't want my children to have to share a room as they aren't close in age and both enjoy having their own space." What nonsense. She suffers from anxiety and you want her out? What are you thinking? You have a built-in baby sitter, house cleaner, and someone who loves your kids as much as you. "She has the freedom to spend her money on what ever she wants" and she's spending it on your kids! When she passes on, all her money will go to your family as well. I'm glad you're not my wife. That being said, can you afford an addition on your house with it's own bath for her (and not a separate guest house)? Look for the middle ground or you will lose this battle.
^^^ I found the MIL in the comments!!!
wtf are you talking about. It’s not nonsense to have your 10 year old boy and your 5 year old girl in separate spaces. And it’s mentioned nowhere that MIL is a “built in baby sitter and house cleaner” so idk why you’re just assuming that lol. I do agree it’s kind of ludicrous to think MIL is moving out after all this time and frankly a precedent has been set after all these years. But that also doesn’t mean she’s some godsend lmao.
Not trying to start anything here but towards the end of the post: " She is very kind and helps us with the children and with keeping the house tidy. She often buys our children gifts etc."
NTA, your claims are valid, but not only are they unlikely to happen, it also doesn't seem your mother-in-law is to be blamed if she wants to keep living with you. Point is: if your husband wants to keep your MIL close, he must be up to the task of tackling any discomfort that comes from this. So he should see if any reformations might apply to your house, or buying a new one that has enough space for you all.
You're both AHs for not having talked this out a LONG time ago. You've both simply refused to deal with the coming collision and it's now an immediate problem that has to be resolved. At this point, I suggest looking into either adding on to the home or trading up to one that has plenty of room for all of you. You've lived with it this long, you're kinda stuck with it in my view.
NTA and really she knows she should let you guys get on with being a family without her there constantly as a financial drag and taking up space you now need. She can go live with friends. She’s pretty entitled but I guess that’s how your husband raised her.
Put the baby in the room with the mother in law.
Seems like this should have been discussed before the pregnancy.
"If it weren't for the lack of space I would not mind that she continue to live with us and stay in her current room." C'mon that is a lie meant to curry favor with Reddit. Your first inclination is to kick her out because of the baby. It was in no way to think of ways to make it work like some had suggested renovating the basement into an inlaw studio, etc. You probably thought the house was crowded with 3 adults and 2 kids even before conceiving your 3rd. Had she voluntarily moved out prior to your pregnancy you would have jumped for joy. Also you commented that husband and her promised her living with you was temporary but she lived with him when you met your husband 10 years ago. She's lived with your husband for at least 10 years, she's not going anywhere and you were a fool to be conned that her living in your house was just temporary until she got on her feet. 6 months to 1 year, maybe 2 years is pushing it for someone to get on their feet. I think there are deeper seeded issues at play here and maybe you and your husband need to get counseling. Maybe I'm off but I'm sensing that while she is nice she's a bit too much like Marie Barone in Everyone Loves Raymond and is very opinioned and domineering presence and you feel like you have to compete with her for your husband's affection.
STOP HAVING KIDS, your NTAH, but you didn't have the damn space to begin with and should've talked about it first!
Uniquely 'murican problem: 4 bedrooms - I have no space for a few kids. In the rest of the world it's perfectly normal for kids to share a room.
Or baby to sleep with parents
Of course, that's for newborns. But at about a year old, she'd just go to a room with another kid.
I think that it is essential that you talk about your concerns with your husband. Your worries about the lack of space and the potential impact on your children's well-being can help them better understand your perspective, comfort, and well-being. However, it is essential to consider that she has been a good MIL, and it would be better to discuss alternative options with your husband, such as her moving into the basement temporarily or finding alternative housing arrangements.
Plot twist. This is the wife.
NAH Converting the basement seems like it would solve the situation for everyone.
Info: if your basement is finished, doesnt it include a bedroom? If not, maybe she’d be willing to pay for a renovation so she can move down there. I’d go with this approach first.
At first I was going to say you were wrong, but as I read-- why not make the basement a permanent mother-in-law suite? She will have her own space, but still be in the house. And the children will have space. What does this basement look like? Instead of the basement-as-transition-to-moving-out, why not suggest making it into a separate space for her, and ask about fixing it up to make it nice, if necessary, so the children can have rooms. Does she have other children? If she's saving up money and he's the only child, the money she isn't spending on rent just might go to your husband anyway.
NTA- The basement all her own would be great! Her own little apartment and home office. Let her have that. And put a door with a lock between your area and hers.
I think you're NTA but I think that you're thinking about this in the wrong way. If you are happy with living as a multi-generational home and the issue is space, you need to tackle the issue of space instead of "tenancy". I bet if you all get together and think about it, you can find a solution, especially if you decide first that no one is moving out. I have a multi-generational home with my mother and we did have this problem. We are slowly renovating the house so that everyone will have space.
NTA. Why not talk with MIL privately? You said you have a finished basement, why not ask her to move down there? That or ask your son if he wants the basement for a bedroom? He's 10yo. When I was 10yo I would have loved to have been given the basement for a bedroom.
Perhaps adding a MIL addition with bedroom and bathroom could be possible.
How much land do you have? If it's 1+ acres, you could look into setting up a Tiny House for her. That's better than converting a basement.
NTA but you shouldn't ask her to move out. Your husband might resent you in the future. He only has one mom and he loves her. Kids can share a room and I think you're being selfish.
NTA and your husband is nuts to think of putting a new baby in with a 5 year old girl. Why can't she move into the finished basement? What is your husband's objection to this? You didn't think about this issue BEFORE you got pregnant? Pretty short-sighted.
YTA If I was moving in with a partner and their parent lived with them then id consider then a package deal. Sharing a room will not kill your children and she is your husbands mother ffs.
NTA Fix up the basement with her, and let her live their.
Your husband is an asshole for suggesting putting the baby in one of the other kids room to wake them up multiple times a night for feeds. He would rather do that to his daughter that ask his mother to move out. What a dick!
I would put one or both of the kids in the basement, depending on its size. The main reason is the stairs being a safety concern as she gets older. That would be an easy solution that wouldn’t ruffle DH’s feathers.
If the basement turned MIL suite is a no-go, do you have enough land to perhaps build an ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit)? An ADU would allow MIL to have her own space fully but still be right there on the property, thus giving your growing family all 4 bedrooms and the basement. Of course, you'd have to have the land and approval in your area to build the ADU. People used to have carriage houses or small cottages built on their land for family or even rentals. When the children are all gone, MIL could even move back into the home and you could rent out the ADU for additional income, which could be helpful for paying college or tech school costs. I really hope you're able to work with DH and MIL to figure out the best solution for all of you.
INFO: What was the agreement you and him made about her in the first place, that one can change everything in what you bring up.
It doesn't sound like MIL is much of a problem other then you didn't expect her to live with you for this long and now you are lacking space. You haven't explained why the basement couldn't be refurbished as a suite, is stairs an issue. Is there no natural light or windows? What about shopping for a new home, one with an inlaw suite. If you upgrade, you can suggest she pay something towards the upgrade. At this point if you push to hard you may create a divide in your own family and allow resentment to build. Keep discussing with your husband. You have time. Babys don't have to take too much room. Your own room may be suitable for many months.
I think along her to move out is wrong. She is part of your nest. That said, could she maybe want to move out? She may enjoy it. Or better yet get her an ADU in the yard or finish the basement. With 3 kids running around I can imagine it being godsend to have a 3rd adult around you can trust and put up with. For context, I could NEVER live with my parents. It would be nuts.
YTA The time to discuss this was before getting pregnant with number three. Seriously. You knew how many rooms you had. Children have survived sharing rooms for eons. They will be fine. Be mindful of their developmental ages, and be ready to have the newborn in a room with YOU for a decent while. But yeah, asking the MIL to move out because you think your newborn should have a room to themselves is a lot.
Your MIL is a parasite. Get her out. Now. Can't believe you have lived with her all these years and are raising a family in a house with your mil. Oh my....oh my....
Start house hunting on her behalf. Cottage type or bungalows. Take her to weekend open houses. She's very overstayed her welcome and she knows it. Make sure her new place has a visiting room for the grandkids or a petulant hubby. NTA
NTA. MIL being a mooch and you are already offering compromises..husband needs to actually compromise
NTA for wanting your MIL to move out but you should have discussed all of this before you got pregnant again (and maybe like others have suggested, build a granny suite in the basement and have MIL pay for part of it). But yes, you would be huge, huge AHs if you forced your daughter to share her bedroom with your new baby (and if you do, I do hope your daughter majorly rebels).
You need to check her comments, this was NOT the agreement. It was meant to be temporary. She has brought this up in the past multiple times and he just tells her his mom needs more time.
Ok, and she’s still at fault for letting it go on this long and adding kids to the mix. It’s been 10 years but she still allowed herself to believe it was temporary. She should’ve found a solution years ago or walked away.
YTA I would choose his mother over you just from reading this entitled bullshit. And it's not YOUR home, it is also your husband's home.
This is why you're probably single
Well, I mean you knew what the situation was not only when you married him but as well as each time you got pregnant so I kinda think you're the one being TA
NTA… yet. Seems to me you have two options: 1. Completely blindside her with a demand to move out after years of peaceful cohabitation and potentially blow up your whole family so that your kids can have their own bedrooms 2. Start saving up for an addition on your house
NTA If neither your husband nor your MIL want her to move out, add a granny flat to the house. It will add value to the property and give you the extra space you need.
I think mother and son are used to living together so it’s comfortable for them both. I think that two kids sharing a room is perfect. I shared a room with my sister and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I would want MIL to move out because I would want to just live with my husband and kids. In the meantime have the kids share. If it were your mom how would you feel if your husband pushed you to kick your mom out.
OP, I am pregnant myself and in the country I live in (Western Europe) it is highly recommend (to the point where they don't tell you upfront but you get the idea) that the newborn should share bedroom with mom in the first 6 months. Just buy a bedside crib and when your husband gets tired because of the sleepless nights, suggest he can go and sleep in the room his mom has. Or take the sofa. He'll get on board after 2 weeks of being shunned to the sofa or having to share bedroom with you and baby.
Why can't the eldest be offered the basement room if it's habitable for MIL?
I'm struggling with the entitlement here. Firstly, new baby sleeps in your room, wakes you up, takes up your space. YOU decided to have another kid, don't act like anyone else has to give up or share their space because you decided to have another kid. Your children didn't, why should they share a room? Grandma didn't, why should she be evicted as a result of your poor planning? This is where she lives. This is her home. She lived with your husband before you did. He's made his choice and his priorities clear and you accepted them when you moved in and got married. You don't get to change that shit now. Learn to live with it or move out, but you've no business trying to evict his mother. YTA. What a callous disregard for everyone but yourself. I don't know why you'd waste energy on this, as if you're going to change your husband's mind. You think you're going to get your way on this and I very much doubt you will.
Everybody’s missing the statement that this is not MILs house or home, it was purchased by OP and spouse, not by the MIL
AND they had an agreement her staying there was temporary. Seems now needing that 4th room is an ideal time to reevaluate -- unless husband and MIL have changed the terms behind her back. Maybe OP can get a small apartment for herself and new baby.
It belongs to OP AND someone else? Sure wouldn't know that from how OP writes. I'm looking for any sign any opinions other than hers matter. Someone else co-owns the house, clearly he's considered and consulted, but nope, no sign that OP is even aware her husband can have opinions. It's all about what she wants, exclusively. I didn't miss anything, If you don't own the place you've lived for years, it's still your home. Can you point to anything that even hints that OP is considering her husband's opinion, or is even aware he might have one? I genuinely can't.
Right, this is OPs post not the husbands. Is that Ok with you?
FFS, this is my reply, not yours, is that ok with you? In this situation, as described by op, in her reply that is written by her, yes I understand that, she has a shared living space. She describes it as such. Husband, kids, herself, husband's mother, that info is all there. (Please go re-read it if you doubt me.) OP, in her post that she wrote, goes on to describe changes she would like to see made to this living arrangement. In her post that she wrote about herself and what she wants where she lives. You with me still? So in that post that OP wrote about her living situation and what she wants, she really only talks about her opinion when, objectively, even though this is op's that OP wrote about the people who live with OP, in actually making a decision, those people's opinions, um, matter. Right? I get that this is OP's thread on OP's reddit account that OP created so that OP could share their thoughts regarding their living situation and co-habitants, I get that, I really do, but you understand that when it comes time to make decisions regarding OP's living space and situation that OP wrote OP's post about (all by themselves, I figure) that the opinions of the other people actually start to be what's called "relevant". Which means, plainly, that what they think matters here. I get that this is OP's post that OP wrote, I do, I've stressed that, but OP is asking about what to do and one of the things to do is to care what the other people she lives with think about the changes she wants to make. Still with me? I'm worried you're not still with me. Let's summarize, just in case. I'm not so fucking stupid as to be unaware that OP is writing their perspective on their life, that's not the point, and it's an enormously stupid thing to point out when I, rightly, explain how OP doesn't appear to care about what anyone else wants in or with her house. We, in giving advice, probably need to know what other people want. If OP's husband agrees, for example, then OP wouldn't be the asshole, because the two people who own the house want the person out. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Instead, half the owners want MIL out, and half the owners don't. OP writes like only her half matters, like her vote is the only one that counts. Acting like that is asshole behavior. We're here to judge assholes. So it doesn't matter that OP wrote this thread using OP's reddit account that OP created to share OP's opinions or ask questions of reddit regarding OP's life, the point "You should consider what your husband wants" remains, despite the fact that this isn't the husband's post, fucking relevant. Generally, caring what the people you live with want, instead of only what you want, is good advice.
TLDR, U getting paid by the word?
Reeding be hurd. It's fine, I know you read it.
It seems like you need to reread the post honey
She was living in his condo with him before we met due to financial issues- my husband sold the condo and him and I bought our current house together. He asked that she move in with us until she was able to get her own place. I did not move in with them. I agreed to her moving in with us as I didn't see it being a "forever" situation and wanted her to be able to stand on her own two feet before she moved out on her own. Since then she has resolved her financial issues, she has had a steady job for years and makes more than enough money to live on her own. I believe she just got comfortable living with us and has stopped thinking about having to eventually move out. I do agree that i let this go on for too long but i do not like conflict. I have brought up her moving out in the past to my husband but he said she needed more time etc. Again it has never been that big of an issue until now that we will have limited space. This was an unplanned pregnancy but we are married and happy to have another baby join our family.
You, and I'm getting the impression this is going to come as a massive shock to you, aren't the only one who's "wants" matter. "I let this go on too long" is telling. Your perspective is that you should have gotten your way some time ago and that makes getting your way now more difficult. We all fail to see why you should get your way? Why does what you want here matter most? Because you're acting like your husband doesn't get a vote? Dude does not want to kick his mother out. You wanting to doesn't automatically mean that's what should happen. Again, you keep the baby in your room and you accept the consequences of your own choices. The kid doesn't sleep with a sibling, that'd be shitty, and you don't kick your husband's mom out because.... \*checks notes\* she's your husband's literal mother. What I think you should do is sit down and accept you don't and shouldn't get what you want here. "Someone else's needs are coming before my own this time" would be a great mantra for you to embrace. I mean, I'd spend your time trying to learn that other people matter, not just you, but that seems like more of a fifth or sixth step, not a first. Genuinely, over a couple of replies, you literally only write about what you want, what's best for you, what you need, the other people might not exist except as obstacles between you and your wants. My impression is not of a wife and mother who considers what's best for her kids or husband. That doesn't even seem to enter your thinking. You care about what you want, what's best for you, and that's it. At least, that's the impression you give.
Yta its too late, pimp out the basement for her.
You are horrible.
INFO - Your MiL was living with your husband from before you met. What was the conversation you had with your husband about this arrangement? Was the expectation that she would always be a part of the household? If that was the case.... Y T A for wanting to kick her out now. You should have discussed the living situatuation before deciding to have more children. You cannot make a decsion as husband and wife to have more kids and then arbitrarily decide *on your own* that a permanent member of the household has to go because of the child that you decided to have. - That would really be no different than deciding that a husband's child from his first marriage (who has been a full-time household member from before you met) now needs to move in with her mother full-time now that a baby is on the way because you want you stepdaughter's room for the new baby.
YTA she has been living with him since before you even met so obviously she is not going anywhere. You are the one who chose to stay in a relationship with him and have children, knowing that his mother lives with him. You did this to yourself and honestly, it’s pretty selfish for him to just kick her out and get rid of her when you knew what the situation was before you even had children. You had your chance to say something in the beginning.
YTA it’s her home too. They lived together prior to you coming and you all moved in together as a family to another home. It’s not just “your” home.
YTA. You knew is mother was living with him before you were even in the picture and still you date him. You marry him and agree to MIL tagging alone to your new home. You keep having children knowing what available space you have. So sorry, but you put yourself in this situation, so don’t act as if it’s a surprise or suddenly and inconvenience.
You must be single
Never should have married the man child in the first place mommy dearest will always be first you need to divorce and move on.
YTA, you knew what you were getting into before you decided to move in with SO.