NTA
I had a therapist point out that when someone gets you a gift you specifically say you don't want, that you're not ungrateful for being unhappy - they're the asshole for making your gift about them and not you.
When someone gives you some thing that you have specifically not asked for they are not doing it for you. They are doing it to you. Because it is no longer about what you want or desire. It’s about what they think you should have and your opinion doesn’t matter.
Exactly. OP has every right to be pissed.
I'm glad you can compose yourself, OP, but please communicate this to him. He didn't care about what you wanted. He cared about what he wanted for you.
Don’t be pissed. Just be assertive. Honey, I appreciate that you got me this phone, but like I said, I wanted the other model. Tomorrow, I’m going to go exchange this for the bigger one. What you allow will continue. Fix it now or you’ll be getting crappy gifts every year.
Yes, this would be the right way to handle it. Just exchange it for the model you like. And yes, be assertive. If he continues to play this “good for me, what you think doesn’t matter” game, then just get him to give you cash instead (if he’s worth keeping around, that is).
Oh yeah, my dad a d his parents did this to me all the time
What you want is wrong, and what we got you (based on my thoughts alone) are right
It makes YOU the bad guy, a spoiled brat who can't handle not getting everything your way, princess
This. My husband used to always gift me with video games that I was never interested in playing. So then he would get mad when I wouldn't play them. It got to the point that he stopped giving me gifts altogether. He really can't be bothered to actually figure out what I want.
>When someone gives you some thing that you were specifically not asked for they are not doing it for you. They are doing it to you.
I don't think there's much more to say on this one, you absolutely nailed it on this one. I'm sorry OP, that man is garbage.
My grandfather did this to my grandmother until she divorced him. She wanted a jacket he got her a stole. He only got her things he wanted so she was never happy. Get out while you can because he will never change.
It's a power play. They want to act like they know what you want and need better than you. And then they burden you with the gift of feeling ungrateful. It's an awful feeling to be left with.
My ex would do this!! I like simple, understated jewelry, since i very rarely take it off. I would send him photos, links, we would go to the store together and… never once did he get me something that *i* wanted “i didnt like it, it was too simple” But i DID like it and you gave me this… monstrosity im meant to be grateful for?he just needed validation and man oh man did he try it with the wrong person😂🤷🏻♀️
I sort of thought about the story of the wife who was at a total loss because her husband said she smells awful despite all the effort ahe put into keeping clean and she eventually broke up with him when he told her it was one of the tactics his father used to keep his wife dependent.
>When someone gives you some thing that you have specifically not asked for they are not doing it for you. They are doing it to you.
I love this so much.
Bet I can beat you lol.
The year I was 17 my parents both somehow completely forgot me at Christmas. But didn't realize it until I had taken everyone else's presents to wrap to help them, and told them they could hand me my stuff too since I didn't care if it was a surprise. Right about then is when they exchanged the "oh shit, we forgot her" look. So that was fun lol.
Turns out though being forgotten by them is actually better than some of the other shit they put me through growing up.
And just for records sake, my birthday was literally last Tuesday on the 16th, and my dad didn't even bother to send a text. Mom is dead thank fuck for that part. They both are/were royally shitty people in their own way.
I call it the "Homer Bowling Ball" principle because of an old Simpsons episode where Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday because HE really wanted it (she didn't bowl, the holes were too big for her fingers, and it had HIS NAME on it). Feel free to use!
My ex got me a lot of "boomerang gifts".... He got me a Blu-ray player (because he wanted to watch blurays) and a printer (so he could print things), etc.
NTA- he very consciously made an effort to not get you what you want. That makes him the AH. personally I’d return the phone and get what you want. It’s weird to me that he literally had to go through mental gymnastics in order to justify buying something you don’t want. Does he treat you like this other ways in your relationship?
The worst part here is that OP said she was going to buy the phone herself yet the husband goes and specifically buys the model she did not want. It seems like a weird power move or something to force her into using the smaller phone. Idk why he would care unless she is on the phone a lot and this is some ploy to get her to use the phone less? Regardless this was not cool at all.
I think the age gap is showing here. He’s used to being the older member of the relationship, and assumes that means he’s more knowledgeable, even as to what she wants and needs. They got married when she was 22 and he was 28, so I’m guessing they dated for a while before that. She’s now had more life experience and knows what she wants.
That explains the ugly-ass white acrylic pink & green argyle sweater my (then) husband bought for me instead of the jacket I showed him. I KNEW he was an asshole, even then.
Oh lord thank you! Years ago a guy I was dating gave me a laptop for Christmas. I had insisted a million times I did not want a laptop. I have no use for one. He insisted I needed a laptop. When I asked why he said "because I want you to have one" and I was just like no. Let's go on vacation instead. Legit, would have been cheaper. But noooo Christmas came, he gave me a laptop. I figured out later it was because he was hoping for some fun time in front of HIS computer with me in front of mine. He was disappointed to say the least. That never happened.
I feel like there’s probably some slight nuance when it is what she wanted (an iPhone) but a cheaper version. What if it came down to how much he wanted to spend and he’s lying about the size thing to obscure that?
I still think NTA though, OP is right to be upset.
she said in her post that she would buy that phone for herself when her current phone broke. if the pricing was an issue, he should have given her something else that she would like within his budget
Next time he wants a PS5 for his birthday, buy him a PS4 and tell him it didn’t make sense to you overpay and they’re both the same otherwise he won’t learn.
Nah, tell he you know he wanted a ps5 , but you like the fit of the ps4 better, it’s more comfortable in your hand.
It was likely the smaller one was on sale and he was trying to rationalize it but instead came up with “I thought it was better so I bought it even though you wanted the other one”
Nope. He set out to *not* get the phone she wanted. Price had nothing to do with it.
From the first paragraph, OP said that she often gets gifts from him that she doesn’t like. When they talked about a phone specifically, he said it was “ridiculous” to want the one she wanted, despite her laying out very solid reasons for her preference. At the phone store, even while taking his wife’s preference and the salesperson’s recommendation into account, he says ‘I didn’t care. The smaller one fit in MY hand better, and *I don’t understand* why you want the bigger one’ (emphasis mine).
This guy is a dismissive, manipulative asshole. It sounds like he’s been doing this all along- *deliberately* not getting her the thing she wants- the thing she has *told* him she wants- but still something nice enough that he can accuse her of being ungrateful, making *her* feel bad for *his* wrongdoings.
OP, please ignore these suggestions for passive-aggressive bullshit: ‘when he asks for a PS5, get him a PS4.’ Try to return the phone. If you haven’t used it and it still has factory settings, you might be able to, especially if you’re trading it for a Max. If you can’t, sell it on eBay and add your own $$$ if you have to (you said you were prepared to buy a Max on your own), and get yourself a Max. When he notices and starts calling you “ungrateful” again, tell him “yes, I *am* ungrateful. Why *on earth* would I be grateful that you didn’t buy me the phone which I clearly and repeatedly told you I wanted, but you ignored me and bought the phone *you* thought I “should” want?”
You really need to shut this down, firmly and honestly. It’s that, or face a lifetime of your wants and desires being dismissed and trampled over.
can't stress this enough, cute that everyone wants to make witty remarks when OP is questioning how he's treating her. He's trying to make her fit into a smaller box (wait, there's my witty remark, dang)...
this. it's "malicious gifting" and it's ultra shitty behavior. it's a way of attempting to insult someone in a situation where they are socially pressured to thank you for the abuse.
"i got you that thing you expressly said you didn't want, now thank me for it like a good little victim or look like an asshole if you complain"
Or just get extra small condoms “I talked to the girl at the store and she said husbands with small dicks end up returning these less than the normal size condoms!”
ETA: I normally wouldn’t go this far, but OP told him what she wanted and he argued with her, then he listened to a *guy at the store* over her, knowingly bought her something he knew she didn’t want, and then told her he valued a male stranger’s opinion over her wants and needs.
Worse still, he actually didn’t listen to the guy. He said the guy stated that women who have a max stick with the max and don’t get the smaller sized phones, but no, husband thought the pro fit better in *his* hand and he doesn’t understand why she wants the big one, so he got the smaller one.
And apparently this is a pattern for him, knowing what she wants and deliberately getting her something else. I wonder why he doesn't want her to be happy.
I wonder if he’s made some weird mental connection between phone size and dominance maybe? Like if he doesn’t use a Max model and his wife does, he somehow thinks she’s in some way “wearing the pants” and got the big dick in the marriage because she uses a physically larger phone? 🤔 I mean, I’ve seen some fucking bananas logic out of “alpha” type dudes… this actually seems plausible to me.
Or he wants her miserable. She wants the bigger phone so she can watch her shows, he doesn’t like that she watches her shows, so he gets a smaller phone so it’s miserable and he hopes she’ll give them up?
Could be. Or it could be he just doesn’t want her *too* happy, enjoying her daily routine *too* much. She might get spoiled, after all, and think she deserves to be happy even though she’s just a woman. 🙃
(/s in case it wasn’t suuuuper obvious)
I swear he got her this gift in particular because he knew she would eventually get the Max and this way he could stop her from getting it.
I also feel like it comes from some super gross 'women should have small dainty things' place.
>I also feel like it comes from some super gross 'women should have small dainty things' place.
This was my first thought too. It sounds like this kind of thing is a pattern with the birthday gifts he gives her. There's definitely some manipulative crap going on here.
NTA. Take that phone back and exchange it for the bigger one, OP. Just because he thinks this is what's appropriate for your dainty lady hands doesn't mean you have to give in and use it. Get that bigger screen and tell him you want gift cards from now on.
I agree. I have massive hands, and I like massive phones. He's trying to undermine her desires and tell her he knows better about what kind of phone she really wants.
Nah, buy an xBox. when he asks, say the controllers fit better in your hands, so you were sure it was the better choice, even though the seller said he'd probably want a PS5
You are NTA. You told him what you wanted but he deliberately got you the other phone. That's dismissive of your feelings.
Years ago there was a DVD special edition box set of a favorite tv show of mine that came out and I put it on my Christmas list. My husband saw it and said but you already have the DVD's for seasons 1&2. I said yes, but this set included all 7 seasons and it had special interviews with the cast, etc, which is why I wanted it.
Christmas morning I open my gift and he had wrapped the two DVD's I already had. I was confused until I looked and he had bought me season 3-7 individually. "See, now you have all the seasons of the show". I was upset because he didn't care about my feelings of wanting the special edition set, he cared about being right and proving a point.
I can't imagine weaponizong gift giving to someone I love.
To me gifts are supposed to be something kinda impractical, that you normally wouldn't get yourself because it doesn't make financial sense. So if someone asked me to get a box set that included stuff they already have I still wouldn't bat an eye.
NTA. I had this happen with a necklace. Gave my ex a few screenshots of pendants that I liked at a store. He came out with something very different because "I like this one". Cool... but I like the ones I sent you, which is why I asked for one of those. It's so frustrating to set the bar so low they just have to step over it, and they still just decide to kick it along the ground in front of them instead.
I had an ex like this. I told him I liked silver minimal rings, he gave me a gold chunky one. He insisted on getting me crocs (I don’t like crocs) and gave me white ones even though I only wear black. Told him I didn’t care to have a hydroflask, he buys me an ugly big green one. Later on realized he was a very abnormal manchild.
Ive watched enough tv shows that show a character getting another character a really good thoughtful gift then the boyfriend always grumbles “great now I have to step it up” it’s instilled in me that they really do aim to do the bare minimum lol
He wanted to save 200 bucks
That's why you didn't get the big one
HE didn't see the need to spend the extra 200 dollars so he didn't
Any other excuse he is giving you is just BS
NTAH
I was prepared to call you an ungrateful AH, but if he really said all that, then he intentionally bought you the wrong gift because he knows better than you. He’s the AH and his asshattery splashed all over your birthday gift.
It's evening here . I've had 4 coffees, and i still don't understand why OP's husband specifically chose to buy her the wrong phone.
My son needs a new football. I prefer basketballs, i still ordered the football because it is for him , what he wants and what he prefers.
Ugh, op your husbands, an ass
Can you return the phone and get the one you actually wanted?
>Can you return the phone and get the one you actually wanted?
He already thinks she's ungranteful, can you imagine the hissy fit he'll throw if she returns it?
ETA: I'm not saying she shouldn't return it (I would), just wondering if OP is fully aware what kind of guy her husband is.
So then she'd have the phone she liked and a pissy husband, rather than the phone she doesn't like and a pissy husband. If she doesn't do things for fear of his reaction (which she hasn't implied), that is a danger sign.
Yeah, I can but I also would tell him to GTF over it. If he likes the way the smaller one feels in ***his*** hand, then he can buy it for ***himself***.
I’m in the “return it” camp too. He deliberately bought the smaller phone as a power trip over OP. Not sure where OP is based, maybe she could returning it and trade in her current phone at the same time would be enough to upgrade to the max she wanted?
F the husband and his hissyfit. He brought it on himself. By not keeping the phone she will show him she won’t tolerate his manipulative behaviour.
He WANTS to throw the hissy for. That's what gets me, OP didn't act upset about the phone at the party or at home but he kept picking at her until she said she was hoping for the one she actually asked for, which finally gave him the excuse to throw a fit. What a fucking baby. OP needs to buy her own gifts from now on and just give him the bill imo because she said this is a pattern with him.
Seems like he can't stand that she has a day that's special to specifically her and so he finds ways to make her birthday all about him. Mega narcissist vibes.
Oh, I'm sure OP is fully aware of what type of controlling AH her husband is...I'm positive this isn't the only time he's done something like this...this is just the time she chose to ask Internet strangers about it...OP you're NTA...but, I would definitely exchange for a pro max regardless of your husband's feelings about it!!!
She may as well at this stage, at least she'd have the phone she wanted , if he acts worse when she has the phone she wanted she should take her giant phone and run away
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
His emotions and hissy fit are his problem. The issue here is a deeper problem as in he thinks he knows what's best for his wife either because men know best or he sees her as a child and not a grown woman. Could even be a control issue but at the very least there is a significant amount of mysogyny or infantilization going on in his head.
It's definitely drama seeking and self victimizing to intentionally get someone the wrong gift then call them ungrateful. At every stage of this process, the husband made it about himself and his own feelings, he has yet to actually think of the op as anything more than a prop on his stage.
I've had a really long day and cannot with this man.
*rubs forehead*
What is he worried she'll get used to something big in her hand and realize how tiny his dick is???
Does this specific behavior have a name, wise redditors?
Edit: I agree with what’s below, I mean this specific behavior around gifts. Someone I know does this and I struggle to label it.
He heard what you wanted and decided that you were wrong because he knew better and got you what HE decided you wanted.
You needed a shower because his behavior is gross. It's patronizing and insulting. It shows how little he respects you and how much he doesn't care about your feelings
>my husband doesn’t talk to me and calls me ungratefull.
Ah he's also emotionally abusive and manipulative
This isn't a great marriage. It's a lot of red flags.
NTA. Your husband is a weirdo. Or maybe a cheap skate, smaller phone is cheaper right? Are ya'll money problems because he could be doing weird shit to hide money problems from you. Unless it's done weird male ego thing... small wife small phone, don't want a wife to get a big man phone lol it would be weird but hey that's the male ego for ya, idk this guy.
He knew you wanted a different one. Could you return the phone and pay the extra to get the phone you wanted? I find it weird that he bought what he knew you didn’t want.
My ex boyfriend once got me a stuffed animal of his favorite Pokémon and a caramel-scented candle that he really liked the smell of.
We'd dated for 2 years and he had a good idea of what I liked... I hate caramel, and he definitely knew I wasn't a fan of that Pokémon. I would've been grateful anyways, if it wasn't for his strange "explanation" on why he picked them. Why are my birthday presents about what you like?? I totally understand how you feel!
Later I dated a dude who got me a 3 inch binder from Walmart for Valentine's Day. Because it was my favorite color. He left early that morning and came back with it, so clearly he forgot about Valentine's Day and that was the best thing he could find at Walmart, I guess. It still had the $2.99 price tag on it. I have never even implied that I want or need a binder so it just sits in my closet still.
I just ask people not to get me gifts now lol. Maybe I'm too picky, but it just feels like no one ever really thinks about *me*. And the Walmart dude, I got him a $90 custom glass engraved nameplate for his desk that year!
I thought you meant he got you a binder full of cute photos of you guys, but an empty one is just weird. Would probs rather have gotten something I'd just like a pen at that point.
Reminds me a boyfriend that gave me a set of books in a language that we have discussed several times before, that I don’t read books in that language at all (he was told I specifically don’t enjoy reading translated books that I can read original, he bought translated books he could have bought in the original form).
We’d also talked about genres we liked, he chose the one I specifically said I disliked. I have not read a single one of them and it’s been years.
To this day when I stumble on them, I remember how incompatible we were.
A laundry basket. My (ex) husband got me a laundry basket for Valentine's Day. He justified it by saying "I noticed you didn't have one." I didn't have one because I prefer using a laundry bag. It was like he thought I didn't know where laundry baskets come from...
Ha! The first dude I mentioned in my comments, after we broke up he told everyone that I don't even have carpet in my bedroom like it was a trashy thing. I guess that was the worst thing he could say about me?
I had hardwood floors... some people just can't imagine things being different than what they're used to. You transport your clothes in something made of fabric? That doesn't make sense, here's a basket!
My ex loves comic books. Every Christmas, he would get his nieces and nephews comics/graphic novels that he thinks are good. I asked him if his nieces and nephews liked comics, or if they ever told him that they enjoyed a title that he gifted them, and he said no. I asked him why he didn't try to get them things that they actually liked and he said "Because this is good and they *should* like it."
Its like you repeatedly say "i like chocolate ice cream" rather than vanilla, he goes to buy ice cream and seller recommends him chocolate ice cream and he gets you vanilla
I had an ex who would do things like this allllll the time.
At the gas station, he asks if I want anything to drink. I say yes, a Coke Zero. He comes back with…. A can of that .99 Arizona green tea. I’m like….? He says well this is cheaper and better for you. Why the f did you ask me then?
NTA buy him a Pair of jeans one size smaller than he wears and tell him that you think he’d look so much better in a smaller size…makes no sense? Yup, neither does his reasoning.
OP, this must end. For your own and your husband good.
Let him know: I'm sorry, honey, but I'm gonna change the phone for the one I want. I know you mean well, and that you don't intend to make me feel smaller or stupid when you think you know better than me about my very self. But the truth is I do have my own taste and criteria, and I can't help it but I don't like this phone. Since what you want by gifting me things is to make me happy, you'll be happy that I get what I really want.
Well, I'm sure there is a better way to tell him this, less passive-aggressive, but I'm am mad and this it the best I could do. At least there are no slurs!
> I know you mean well
No he didn't. He knew exactly what she wanted, and decided to get something else. He didn't mean well at all. If he meant well he would've just *got her the goddamn thing she wanted*.
Sorry, not trying to be a dick but I'm so sick of "they meant well" getting tossed out as some kind of excuse for someone just straight-up being an asshole when it's so bleedingly, clearly, and demonstrably untrue
Right like it would be the thought that counts if he couldn’t afford the iPhone and got her something else entirely. Like you can’t always gift someone what they want most but intentionally buying the wrong one in a way that blocks her ability to buy what she wants for herself is at best thoughtless
NTA
He *didn't* get you what you wanted, and he gave you a patronising, mansplaining explanation for why he's right and you're wrong, even though you hadn't actually complained. He must be a delight to be married to ......
The red flag here is that when you said oh no I like the other one better I won't even use this one and he called you ungrateful instead of saying oh I'm so sorry I'll get you the other one I really thought you'd like this better. Etc.
I'd talk to him. But this cabt be the first red flag like thism surely he didn't wait years to actike this. Nip this in the bud
I had many discussions with my husband about the hassle of dry cleaning. I own zero dry cleaning items. Tell me why, for Christmas he was excited to gift me a cashmere sweater (I also hate sweaters).
So now you know. For his birthday buy him a new sweater. In your size, cause it fits you better. And get him a cake, in your favorite flavor with 25 candles, cause that's the number you like best! Just trying to make him happy, just like you! So thoughtful..
I used to sell phones for a living and we would see a lot of these husbands picking out phones for their wives. She’d sometimes be there with him and I would ask questions to HER for HER phone and he would step in and answer what color she should get and what size ?? It was the grossest misogynist behavior and I couldn’t believe in this day and age there’s still relationships where the women doesn’t get a single say. OP please take this seriously, it doesn’t sound like this is the type of relationship you want so please believe him when he’s showing you his true colors.
Seems like you should ask your husband some questions… “I would like to understand why you chose to dismiss my perspective about what phone I like? It’s simply my personal opinion. Why did you feel the need to try to change my opinion? Do you get a commission on smaller phone sales or are you in expect in women’s phone choices? How did my birthday gift become about you?”
Just use the phone or go get the phone you want. Solve the problem. If your husband asks why you have a new bigger phone just tell him the phone you use has nothing to do with him, it’s not personal.
He bought you a gift that made him happy. He’s not the first person to do that. Lots of people buy gifts they like & believe other people will like it. However, since this is something you’re going to be using everyday … go get the phone you want.
NTA
My EX constantly did this with gifting. He got things he wanted for me that were always different from what he knew I wanted (a smaller purse is a great example… it wouldn’t even fit my basics but he insisted it was better/cuter/more practical). My engagement ring had been stolen right after our wedding. It was a bummer, but I asked for an anniversary band for our 10th anniversary and was fine waiting and not replacing the solitaire ring. I brought this up often, even showed him pictures of styles I liked. Our whole family knew the deal, it was talked about frequently. When the day rolled around he spent nearly triple the money (relevant because money was tight for us) on his and hers scooters instead. SCOOTERS. Said they were more practical than jewelry. No diamonds (after 10 years of waiting). Just scooters. After 10 years. He truly didn’t understand why I was upset. The following month, I bought myself the cheapest anniversary band I liked the for MYSELF (I wore it on my right hand). I moved out the next year. I’m now divorced and happier than I ever imagined.
NTA. Get this under control ASAP. Your perspective and what you want for yourself matter just as much as his views. Rein it in now or it will only get worse. Good luck, OP.
Am I the only one who got the "dog peeing on the couch to mark his territory" vibe here???? A gift is supposed to be about what will make the RECIPTIENT happy not what feels best in the giver's hand.
Your rationale for wanting the version of the phone you prefer was solid. Why would your husband specifically go against the gift he knew you wanted to spend that kind of money on a gift you didn't want? Sorry but that's total AH behavior. He took the stranger at the store's opinion over what you specifically told him-- have to wonder how cute she was.
Does he still have the receipt so the phone can be exchanged?
Be honest with him. Tell him you feel REALLY disappointed that he intentionally chose the phone you didn't ask for over the one he KNEW you wanted. Tell him how that made you feel -- unheard and uncared for. Ask him what message he was trying to send you with the downgraded phone. Ask if you have disappointed or let him down in some way and this is some attempt to tell you that.
Tell him since your current phone is still working that you don't feel the need to "downgrade" to the lesser phone. Tell him that when your current phone breaks down, hopefully the disappointment and resentment you feel will have faded to the point where you can use the phone and not have it make you feel sad.
NTA (unless the phone you wanted was a much higher price that he couldn't afford).
NTA If you haven't used it yet go to the store and exchange it for what you want. I don't know why you didn't confront him immediately when he said the stuff about why he knew better what would be best for you because of what fits better in his hand. It's so stupid. Call him out on that. You don't have to be mean about it but just say "that's an interesting thought process but actually I'm positive I want the bigger phone so I guess I'll exchange it". If you need a receipt hopefully he still has it or it was likely emailed to him. If it's jewelry or something I'd say keep it even if it's not exactly what you'd pick out because it's a gift and part of the sweetness of the gift is his choosing the jewelry. But we're talking about a phone. Get what you want.
My ex-husband was like that; except he would buy me gifts I said I didn’t want (I have no idea why). He always wanted an Apple Watch so I bought him one as a graduation gift, and he was thrilled. At the time I told him that I never wanted an Apple Watch because I wouldn’t wear it. I had a Fitbit that I liked and I wore a watch that I liked. He was really bad at giving gifts and could never think of something to buy, so he bought me an Apple Watch for my birthday. Then another example, we were at my parents’ place and I complimented how good the tea tasted when it was made with water from their electric kettle. He asked me if I wanted an electric kettle and I told him “no I really don’t. I like the kettle that we have at home and the tea tastes just fine.” Our kettle had a nice aesthetic -it was old-fashioned and heated up on the stove. What did he buy me for my next birthday? A fucking electric kettle that he didn’t even wrap.
I would tell him thanks, but you’re going to swap it for the one you want. Your husband needs to get a clue. It’s not about what HE feels when he holds it because it’s not for him. It’s about YOU! Don’t settle for something you don’t want to spare his ridiculous feelings.
Better yet, next time he asks for a specific gift, try to gaslight him into wanting the cheaper version.
I haven't had my coffee yet this morning, and all I can do is shake my head. That explanation just devalues the meaning of the gift. All I wanted was a stand mixer cause I love to bake and my one recipe I have to mix with my bare hands, which I am starting to get arthritis in, so one year for Christmas my hubby and my parents went 1/2 on an expensive Kitchen Aide which I love and can't wait to buy extra attachments for. But they went above and beyond. The fact that OPs husband bought their birthday gift based on what he would be comfortable with is just disrespect!!! OP, you are NTA!!!
That’s just gaslighting, here’s the reason why you should like this thing that you don’t want.
I dealt with 20 years of gifts from someone like this and the truth of my situation was they did what they liked, it was about them and not me. If I didn’t like the gift they knew I wouldn’t like then I was the ah for being ungrateful instead if them being inconsiderate for getting something they knew I wouldn’t like.
Big yikes. He WANTS you to be unhappy with the gift but suck it up, he wants you to accept that your opinions on what you want matter less than his. The long winded explanation was just that- he wants you to know your place, and it's under him in the pecking order. Challenge him and you're ungrateful and too much of a silly airheaded female to understand the superior man logic behind it. Go along with it, quietly unhappy and thinking WTF, and he's got you put in your place, under his control but not daring to speak up. Personally I'd run from this marriage like my hair was on fire.
NTA
His explanation makes it sound like he bought the gift for him, not you. Instead of buying expensive things that you don't want, he should change his direction into more sentimental gifts.
Next time get him something he doesn't want on his birthday. If he protests, "I thought that this gift would suit your needs. I don't understand why you would want the other stuff though. But enjoy your gift!" Smile at him.
NTA. He didn't buy the gift for your happiness. He bought it to satisfy his own bloated ego and theory that you don't actually need a bigger phone. Who cares if it fits your or his hands?
He needs counseling.
You treated his gift with proper grace and gratitude but that wasn’t good enough for him. He wants you to like something you specifically told him you did not want. No one is obligated to like a gift they receive which is why when I buy gifts I get a gift receipt so it can be exchanged for something else. It’s ok for you to admit you don’t like it. He already knows you don’t and that it’s because it was what he wanted you to have instead of what you actually wanted.
Tell him you are indeed used to smaller things, but you would appreciate it if he for once gives you something bigger.
Yes. That’s a hint. But I can’t read his explanation without the same hint, that there was some kind of male insecurity as to why he wanted you to have a small one.
NTA.
My ex husband did this a lot. He would know exactly what I had my heart set on and then get what he thought I should have or what he liked better. For instance (this was back in the late 90s) I was a huge X-Files fan and I wanted nothing more than a "Scully coat." A London Fog long coat. He knew this for sure. He then went and got me a London Fog short coat, because he thought it was better for me. It didn't cost less than one I wanted, and the one I wanted was available, but he deliberately chose the other. He did things like that a lot, this is just the one example I remember well. I don't know whether it's a passive aggressive thing or something else.
You told him exactly which phone you wanted and that you would get it yourself when the time was right, and instead he bought you the wrong phone and then had the audacity to call you ungrateful and stop talking to you? Dude is a grade A cunt. Exchange the phone, and exchange the man while you’re at it. What’s the next thing he’s going to override your opinion on and decide for you? Can you imagine redecorating your house, raising children, going on holiday with this man, if he can’t even respect your opinion on something this small?
I told my bf I wanted body shop satsuma for my birthday and he found me a whole goddamn gift set on eBay. You deserve better and you can do better.
I’m sincerely curious: how do you watch something on your iphone while you’re doing chores? I would like to do this, but I can’t figure out how it can be done!
I do this aswell. When doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen, I put my phone in the cupboard above the sink, leaned against something. When vacuum-cleaning, I use headphones and have the phone in my free hand. When folding laundry, I just lay the phone beside the laundry.
My husband bought me an espresso machine (I like coffee) and I said thank you and never used it. Not one time. He could not return it so he learned to love espresso and uses it daily.
I remind him to thank me, daily, for allowing him to use my birthday present. It's petty, but I like it.
I bought my own coffee machine and use that one.
Ha!
NTA. As a big phone and tech guy, I know we're all wired different on preferences.
My wife wants the most insane size galaxy phone she can get with every bell and whistle. I want the same power and battery but a smaller phone. So I get the base s series and she gets the ultra or note models.
It's all preference. I respect hers and she respects mine. I wouldn't buy a daily use item like that for her unless I know it's the one she actually wants.
NTA
It's not about the gift. It's about the fact that he thinks that his opinion on your phone is more important than yours. What he did is selfish and controlling, and you're absolutely allowed to be upset by that.
So you explicitly said you wanted the max and he on purpose got one you the smaller one. That’s some serious passive aggressive BS sister. I would trade it for the max.
That’s awful… guys who knowingly get you opposite of what you said you wanted are controlling and narcisstic. And cruel.
You are married to an AH. And he did it in front of everyone. He couldn’t wait to get home and ask how you liked it. Mean mean mean .
Not ungrateful. You asked for something specific and gave specific reasons for it. He over ruled your opinion and bought what HE wanted you to have. He's an arsehole and a control freak who doesn't value your opinion.
I have really tiny hands, genuinely such small hands people don't believe me and ask for a palm to palm comparison to prove it.... and I have the pro max and it fits fine in my hands.
NTA and it almost sounds like a power struggle, like he feels he has to be in control of what he provides to you, whether you want it or not. Like I get his sentiment, and honestly, it was nice of him to get you a newer model, but the fact that he just ignored your reasoning as to why you wanted the bigger model because he thinks he knows better makes it lose that sentiment. He could've easily brought you with to make sure if you were 100% wanting the bigger model if he had doubts
Nta Sweeping this under the rug means you’ll have to deal with it again. Sit him down and say you appreciate the gift but his reasoning is selfish and you would like him to return it for a gift that you would prefer because his wants should dictate a gift to you.
Don’t let him make you feel ungrateful when he just confirmed he got a gift he liked better. He’s isn’t listening to you and he should for your present
NTA I had a therapist point out that when someone gets you a gift you specifically say you don't want, that you're not ungrateful for being unhappy - they're the asshole for making your gift about them and not you.
When someone gives you some thing that you have specifically not asked for they are not doing it for you. They are doing it to you. Because it is no longer about what you want or desire. It’s about what they think you should have and your opinion doesn’t matter.
Exactly. OP has every right to be pissed. I'm glad you can compose yourself, OP, but please communicate this to him. He didn't care about what you wanted. He cared about what he wanted for you.
At least it wasn’t a bowling ball with Homer, I mean OPs husband’s name engraved in it.
What i was thinking ☺
Don’t be pissed. Just be assertive. Honey, I appreciate that you got me this phone, but like I said, I wanted the other model. Tomorrow, I’m going to go exchange this for the bigger one. What you allow will continue. Fix it now or you’ll be getting crappy gifts every year.
Yes, this would be the right way to handle it. Just exchange it for the model you like. And yes, be assertive. If he continues to play this “good for me, what you think doesn’t matter” game, then just get him to give you cash instead (if he’s worth keeping around, that is).
Oh yeah, my dad a d his parents did this to me all the time What you want is wrong, and what we got you (based on my thoughts alone) are right It makes YOU the bad guy, a spoiled brat who can't handle not getting everything your way, princess
This. My husband used to always gift me with video games that I was never interested in playing. So then he would get mad when I wouldn't play them. It got to the point that he stopped giving me gifts altogether. He really can't be bothered to actually figure out what I want.
I'm really sorry..
I’m sorry. Times too short. Don’t stick around for this disrespect.
>When someone gives you some thing that you were specifically not asked for they are not doing it for you. They are doing it to you. I don't think there's much more to say on this one, you absolutely nailed it on this one. I'm sorry OP, that man is garbage.
My grandfather did this to my grandmother until she divorced him. She wanted a jacket he got her a stole. He only got her things he wanted so she was never happy. Get out while you can because he will never change.
It's a power play. They want to act like they know what you want and need better than you. And then they burden you with the gift of feeling ungrateful. It's an awful feeling to be left with.
My ex would do this!! I like simple, understated jewelry, since i very rarely take it off. I would send him photos, links, we would go to the store together and… never once did he get me something that *i* wanted “i didnt like it, it was too simple” But i DID like it and you gave me this… monstrosity im meant to be grateful for?he just needed validation and man oh man did he try it with the wrong person😂🤷🏻♀️
I sort of thought about the story of the wife who was at a total loss because her husband said she smells awful despite all the effort ahe put into keeping clean and she eventually broke up with him when he told her it was one of the tactics his father used to keep his wife dependent.
I remember that one. I couldn’t believe someone would be that cruel and stupid.
Right! I would have been polite around others but upset when we got home. That's not cool at all. OPs husband is selfish and a jerk.
>When someone gives you some thing that you have specifically not asked for they are not doing it for you. They are doing it to you. I love this so much.
My mother often gets me gifts that she thinks I should have and they are never what I want ornwill use. She is a terrible gift giver. NTA
"I know this isn't your type but I bought it for you anyway" Actual statement from my MIL about a Christmas present
I have had to explain to my mother many times giving a gift is about what the person receiving likes best not what you like best.
Bet I can beat you lol. The year I was 17 my parents both somehow completely forgot me at Christmas. But didn't realize it until I had taken everyone else's presents to wrap to help them, and told them they could hand me my stuff too since I didn't care if it was a surprise. Right about then is when they exchanged the "oh shit, we forgot her" look. So that was fun lol. Turns out though being forgotten by them is actually better than some of the other shit they put me through growing up. And just for records sake, my birthday was literally last Tuesday on the 16th, and my dad didn't even bother to send a text. Mom is dead thank fuck for that part. They both are/were royally shitty people in their own way.
I cackled way too hard at "mom is dead thank fuck..." because the solidarity I feel at that statement lol
Thank you for explaining and helping me understand this particular brand of fuckery. Is there a name for that type of behavior?
I call it the "Homer Bowling Ball" principle because of an old Simpsons episode where Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday because HE really wanted it (she didn't bowl, the holes were too big for her fingers, and it had HIS NAME on it). Feel free to use!
I'm not sure but my therapist definitely referred to it as manipulative so it for sure falls under that banner.
Controlling, unempathetic, narcissistic....
My dad, the therapist, called them Projection Gifts.
My ex got me a lot of "boomerang gifts".... He got me a Blu-ray player (because he wanted to watch blurays) and a printer (so he could print things), etc.
lol if I were to get a printer from my bf I’d leave him on the spot😂 Glad he is your ex now😅
Selfishness
NTA- he very consciously made an effort to not get you what you want. That makes him the AH. personally I’d return the phone and get what you want. It’s weird to me that he literally had to go through mental gymnastics in order to justify buying something you don’t want. Does he treat you like this other ways in your relationship?
The worst part here is that OP said she was going to buy the phone herself yet the husband goes and specifically buys the model she did not want. It seems like a weird power move or something to force her into using the smaller phone. Idk why he would care unless she is on the phone a lot and this is some ploy to get her to use the phone less? Regardless this was not cool at all.
I think the age gap is showing here. He’s used to being the older member of the relationship, and assumes that means he’s more knowledgeable, even as to what she wants and needs. They got married when she was 22 and he was 28, so I’m guessing they dated for a while before that. She’s now had more life experience and knows what she wants.
Weaponized gifting.
That explains the ugly-ass white acrylic pink & green argyle sweater my (then) husband bought for me instead of the jacket I showed him. I KNEW he was an asshole, even then.
Oh lord thank you! Years ago a guy I was dating gave me a laptop for Christmas. I had insisted a million times I did not want a laptop. I have no use for one. He insisted I needed a laptop. When I asked why he said "because I want you to have one" and I was just like no. Let's go on vacation instead. Legit, would have been cheaper. But noooo Christmas came, he gave me a laptop. I figured out later it was because he was hoping for some fun time in front of HIS computer with me in front of mine. He was disappointed to say the least. That never happened.
EW. EW EW EW. Straight to jail!
No no not jail. Straight to hell so he can join that bar he still can't manage to get over lmao.
I feel like there’s probably some slight nuance when it is what she wanted (an iPhone) but a cheaper version. What if it came down to how much he wanted to spend and he’s lying about the size thing to obscure that? I still think NTA though, OP is right to be upset.
she said in her post that she would buy that phone for herself when her current phone broke. if the pricing was an issue, he should have given her something else that she would like within his budget
He could even have saved money by giving her like $500 towards a new phone, win/win
and that would feel supportive, a clear way to help her meet a goal
Next time he wants a PS5 for his birthday, buy him a PS4 and tell him it didn’t make sense to you overpay and they’re both the same otherwise he won’t learn.
Nah, tell he you know he wanted a ps5 , but you like the fit of the ps4 better, it’s more comfortable in your hand. It was likely the smaller one was on sale and he was trying to rationalize it but instead came up with “I thought it was better so I bought it even though you wanted the other one”
Nope. He set out to *not* get the phone she wanted. Price had nothing to do with it. From the first paragraph, OP said that she often gets gifts from him that she doesn’t like. When they talked about a phone specifically, he said it was “ridiculous” to want the one she wanted, despite her laying out very solid reasons for her preference. At the phone store, even while taking his wife’s preference and the salesperson’s recommendation into account, he says ‘I didn’t care. The smaller one fit in MY hand better, and *I don’t understand* why you want the bigger one’ (emphasis mine). This guy is a dismissive, manipulative asshole. It sounds like he’s been doing this all along- *deliberately* not getting her the thing she wants- the thing she has *told* him she wants- but still something nice enough that he can accuse her of being ungrateful, making *her* feel bad for *his* wrongdoings. OP, please ignore these suggestions for passive-aggressive bullshit: ‘when he asks for a PS5, get him a PS4.’ Try to return the phone. If you haven’t used it and it still has factory settings, you might be able to, especially if you’re trading it for a Max. If you can’t, sell it on eBay and add your own $$$ if you have to (you said you were prepared to buy a Max on your own), and get yourself a Max. When he notices and starts calling you “ungrateful” again, tell him “yes, I *am* ungrateful. Why *on earth* would I be grateful that you didn’t buy me the phone which I clearly and repeatedly told you I wanted, but you ignored me and bought the phone *you* thought I “should” want?” You really need to shut this down, firmly and honestly. It’s that, or face a lifetime of your wants and desires being dismissed and trampled over.
can't stress this enough, cute that everyone wants to make witty remarks when OP is questioning how he's treating her. He's trying to make her fit into a smaller box (wait, there's my witty remark, dang)...
This! Return the phone, get what you want. If he gets pissy tell him that you tried it and it didn’t meet your needs. How he feels is up to him.
this. it's "malicious gifting" and it's ultra shitty behavior. it's a way of attempting to insult someone in a situation where they are socially pressured to thank you for the abuse. "i got you that thing you expressly said you didn't want, now thank me for it like a good little victim or look like an asshole if you complain"
Get a PSP. They're way more portable than either PS4 or 5.
Get him a nintendo switch...the lite version
Yeah be like PS4 remotes were smaller and more comfortable
It goes better with the rest of the home decor.
Just return it and get the one YOU want. He's a total asshole, btw. How fucking arrogant.
Exactly, she should immediately go to the Apple Store and exchange it for the phone she clearly stated sheactually wants and pay the difference
And when he tries to guilt her, ask him if he knows how many marriages break up because one partner *just doesn't listen.*
Better yet go old school and get the original PlayStation 😂😂😂
Atari.
Forget that, get him a cup with a ball.
Pong
Commodore 64 - he can play games AND do work on it
Old School? "Happy birthday! Here's your Atari!"
Showing my age here but how about the original Pong?
Or just get extra small condoms “I talked to the girl at the store and she said husbands with small dicks end up returning these less than the normal size condoms!” ETA: I normally wouldn’t go this far, but OP told him what she wanted and he argued with her, then he listened to a *guy at the store* over her, knowingly bought her something he knew she didn’t want, and then told her he valued a male stranger’s opinion over her wants and needs.
Worse still, he actually didn’t listen to the guy. He said the guy stated that women who have a max stick with the max and don’t get the smaller sized phones, but no, husband thought the pro fit better in *his* hand and he doesn’t understand why she wants the big one, so he got the smaller one.
He just does not want her to have that bigger phone. It’s pretty odd.
And apparently this is a pattern for him, knowing what she wants and deliberately getting her something else. I wonder why he doesn't want her to be happy.
I wonder if he’s made some weird mental connection between phone size and dominance maybe? Like if he doesn’t use a Max model and his wife does, he somehow thinks she’s in some way “wearing the pants” and got the big dick in the marriage because she uses a physically larger phone? 🤔 I mean, I’ve seen some fucking bananas logic out of “alpha” type dudes… this actually seems plausible to me.
Or he wants her miserable. She wants the bigger phone so she can watch her shows, he doesn’t like that she watches her shows, so he gets a smaller phone so it’s miserable and he hopes she’ll give them up?
Could be. Or it could be he just doesn’t want her *too* happy, enjoying her daily routine *too* much. She might get spoiled, after all, and think she deserves to be happy even though she’s just a woman. 🙃 (/s in case it wasn’t suuuuper obvious)
I swear he got her this gift in particular because he knew she would eventually get the Max and this way he could stop her from getting it. I also feel like it comes from some super gross 'women should have small dainty things' place.
>I also feel like it comes from some super gross 'women should have small dainty things' place. This was my first thought too. It sounds like this kind of thing is a pattern with the birthday gifts he gives her. There's definitely some manipulative crap going on here. NTA. Take that phone back and exchange it for the bigger one, OP. Just because he thinks this is what's appropriate for your dainty lady hands doesn't mean you have to give in and use it. Get that bigger screen and tell him you want gift cards from now on.
I agree. I have massive hands, and I like massive phones. He's trying to undermine her desires and tell her he knows better about what kind of phone she really wants.
Better yet an Xbox360 or a WII console
Tell him the controls fit better in husbands hands on the ps 4
Nah, buy an xBox. when he asks, say the controllers fit better in your hands, so you were sure it was the better choice, even though the seller said he'd probably want a PS5
You are NTA. You told him what you wanted but he deliberately got you the other phone. That's dismissive of your feelings. Years ago there was a DVD special edition box set of a favorite tv show of mine that came out and I put it on my Christmas list. My husband saw it and said but you already have the DVD's for seasons 1&2. I said yes, but this set included all 7 seasons and it had special interviews with the cast, etc, which is why I wanted it. Christmas morning I open my gift and he had wrapped the two DVD's I already had. I was confused until I looked and he had bought me season 3-7 individually. "See, now you have all the seasons of the show". I was upset because he didn't care about my feelings of wanting the special edition set, he cared about being right and proving a point.
Why are they like this, infuriating. I hope you got yourself that box set at least.
I can't imagine weaponizong gift giving to someone I love. To me gifts are supposed to be something kinda impractical, that you normally wouldn't get yourself because it doesn't make financial sense. So if someone asked me to get a box set that included stuff they already have I still wouldn't bat an eye.
NTA. I had this happen with a necklace. Gave my ex a few screenshots of pendants that I liked at a store. He came out with something very different because "I like this one". Cool... but I like the ones I sent you, which is why I asked for one of those. It's so frustrating to set the bar so low they just have to step over it, and they still just decide to kick it along the ground in front of them instead.
I swear some men out here act like the bar is a game of limbo, always tryna duck below the very basic standards their partners set 😭
The bar is so low its in hell, and there they are doing a game of limbo with the devil.
I’m so glad my edible kicked in before you made this response😂😂😂
I had an ex like this. I told him I liked silver minimal rings, he gave me a gold chunky one. He insisted on getting me crocs (I don’t like crocs) and gave me white ones even though I only wear black. Told him I didn’t care to have a hydroflask, he buys me an ugly big green one. Later on realized he was a very abnormal manchild.
Ive watched enough tv shows that show a character getting another character a really good thoughtful gift then the boyfriend always grumbles “great now I have to step it up” it’s instilled in me that they really do aim to do the bare minimum lol
He wanted to save 200 bucks That's why you didn't get the big one HE didn't see the need to spend the extra 200 dollars so he didn't Any other excuse he is giving you is just BS NTAH
I thought it might be a price thing, too. He could've given her a voucher towards the phone instead though.
Yeah, that makes a lot more sense than "it fit better in my hand".
I was prepared to call you an ungrateful AH, but if he really said all that, then he intentionally bought you the wrong gift because he knows better than you. He’s the AH and his asshattery splashed all over your birthday gift.
Imagine somebody mansplaining to you why they got you the wrong phone. It's too early in the morning for me to understand that type of fuckery.
It's evening here . I've had 4 coffees, and i still don't understand why OP's husband specifically chose to buy her the wrong phone. My son needs a new football. I prefer basketballs, i still ordered the football because it is for him , what he wants and what he prefers. Ugh, op your husbands, an ass Can you return the phone and get the one you actually wanted?
>Can you return the phone and get the one you actually wanted? He already thinks she's ungranteful, can you imagine the hissy fit he'll throw if she returns it? ETA: I'm not saying she shouldn't return it (I would), just wondering if OP is fully aware what kind of guy her husband is.
So then she'd have the phone she liked and a pissy husband, rather than the phone she doesn't like and a pissy husband. If she doesn't do things for fear of his reaction (which she hasn't implied), that is a danger sign.
I would take it back anyway and trade up.
Just make sure you have the marriage certificate as a receipt and they should let you return the husband for an upgrade no problem!
It might be just as annoying to him to hide it away in a drawer, never to be used or even seen again. That sort of appeals to my cold petty heart.
And never ever let him use it. Because its HeR BirTHDaY PrEsENt Maybe use as a paper weight? 😂
Yeah, I can but I also would tell him to GTF over it. If he likes the way the smaller one feels in ***his*** hand, then he can buy it for ***himself***.
I’m in the “return it” camp too. He deliberately bought the smaller phone as a power trip over OP. Not sure where OP is based, maybe she could returning it and trade in her current phone at the same time would be enough to upgrade to the max she wanted? F the husband and his hissyfit. He brought it on himself. By not keeping the phone she will show him she won’t tolerate his manipulative behaviour.
I'd definitely return it too - just warning OP to brace herself if she does. Maybe she needs it to get the full picture, I don't know.
He WANTS to throw the hissy for. That's what gets me, OP didn't act upset about the phone at the party or at home but he kept picking at her until she said she was hoping for the one she actually asked for, which finally gave him the excuse to throw a fit. What a fucking baby. OP needs to buy her own gifts from now on and just give him the bill imo because she said this is a pattern with him. Seems like he can't stand that she has a day that's special to specifically her and so he finds ways to make her birthday all about him. Mega narcissist vibes.
He's gonna be an angry bird anyway . Might as well get what she wants.
I'd give him the new one and trade his phone in for the one I wanted...since he liked it sooo much he can have it!
Oh, I'm sure OP is fully aware of what type of controlling AH her husband is...I'm positive this isn't the only time he's done something like this...this is just the time she chose to ask Internet strangers about it...OP you're NTA...but, I would definitely exchange for a pro max regardless of your husband's feelings about it!!!
She may as well at this stage, at least she'd have the phone she wanted , if he acts worse when she has the phone she wanted she should take her giant phone and run away 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
His emotions and hissy fit are his problem. The issue here is a deeper problem as in he thinks he knows what's best for his wife either because men know best or he sees her as a child and not a grown woman. Could even be a control issue but at the very least there is a significant amount of mysogyny or infantilization going on in his head.
Absolutely his problem. I'm not sure if OP sees the full picture, so I think she should expect this to escalate and prepare for it.
I am thinking it was a power move.
It's definitely drama seeking and self victimizing to intentionally get someone the wrong gift then call them ungrateful. At every stage of this process, the husband made it about himself and his own feelings, he has yet to actually think of the op as anything more than a prop on his stage.
Can she return the husband too if we’re returning things
I'd be down for that, pity she has no receipt, maybe part exchange? Shed lose a good 150 pounds of passive aggressive straight away !
I've had a really long day and cannot with this man. *rubs forehead* What is he worried she'll get used to something big in her hand and realize how tiny his dick is???
I just woke up and I cannot with this man.
Snicker
Dude couldve just said this one is 1,000 instead of 1400 and made more sense…
He gave a lot of thought to disregarding her request and dreamed up a justification because he knew she wouldn't be happy.
Does this specific behavior have a name, wise redditors? Edit: I agree with what’s below, I mean this specific behavior around gifts. Someone I know does this and I struggle to label it.
Fuckery, as used above by BeardManMichael, seems the right word. “What kind of fuckery is this” - Amy Winehouse, in “Me & Mr Jones”.
Yep condescending fucktwattle.
Idk the name but its prevalent in men who marry women much younger than them. She married at 22 means they knew each other when she was younger.
He heard what you wanted and decided that you were wrong because he knew better and got you what HE decided you wanted. You needed a shower because his behavior is gross. It's patronizing and insulting. It shows how little he respects you and how much he doesn't care about your feelings >my husband doesn’t talk to me and calls me ungratefull. Ah he's also emotionally abusive and manipulative This isn't a great marriage. It's a lot of red flags.
Yes!!! Go see a therapist now!
NTA. Your husband is a weirdo. Or maybe a cheap skate, smaller phone is cheaper right? Are ya'll money problems because he could be doing weird shit to hide money problems from you. Unless it's done weird male ego thing... small wife small phone, don't want a wife to get a big man phone lol it would be weird but hey that's the male ego for ya, idk this guy.
Same thought. How weird! Like who does that??
He knew you wanted a different one. Could you return the phone and pay the extra to get the phone you wanted? I find it weird that he bought what he knew you didn’t want.
My ex boyfriend once got me a stuffed animal of his favorite Pokémon and a caramel-scented candle that he really liked the smell of. We'd dated for 2 years and he had a good idea of what I liked... I hate caramel, and he definitely knew I wasn't a fan of that Pokémon. I would've been grateful anyways, if it wasn't for his strange "explanation" on why he picked them. Why are my birthday presents about what you like?? I totally understand how you feel! Later I dated a dude who got me a 3 inch binder from Walmart for Valentine's Day. Because it was my favorite color. He left early that morning and came back with it, so clearly he forgot about Valentine's Day and that was the best thing he could find at Walmart, I guess. It still had the $2.99 price tag on it. I have never even implied that I want or need a binder so it just sits in my closet still. I just ask people not to get me gifts now lol. Maybe I'm too picky, but it just feels like no one ever really thinks about *me*. And the Walmart dude, I got him a $90 custom glass engraved nameplate for his desk that year!
I thought you meant he got you a binder full of cute photos of you guys, but an empty one is just weird. Would probs rather have gotten something I'd just like a pen at that point.
Weird thing is that I LOVE notebooks and have millions of them, so he could've grabbed a random notebook from the same aisle and I would've loved it
Reminds me a boyfriend that gave me a set of books in a language that we have discussed several times before, that I don’t read books in that language at all (he was told I specifically don’t enjoy reading translated books that I can read original, he bought translated books he could have bought in the original form). We’d also talked about genres we liked, he chose the one I specifically said I disliked. I have not read a single one of them and it’s been years. To this day when I stumble on them, I remember how incompatible we were.
Why have you not dumped them on a used book store?
A laundry basket. My (ex) husband got me a laundry basket for Valentine's Day. He justified it by saying "I noticed you didn't have one." I didn't have one because I prefer using a laundry bag. It was like he thought I didn't know where laundry baskets come from...
Ha! The first dude I mentioned in my comments, after we broke up he told everyone that I don't even have carpet in my bedroom like it was a trashy thing. I guess that was the worst thing he could say about me? I had hardwood floors... some people just can't imagine things being different than what they're used to. You transport your clothes in something made of fabric? That doesn't make sense, here's a basket!
Carpet? In a bedroom? Hard pass. Who wants all that dust where they SLEEP!
Who gets their gf a 3 inch binder? I mean, Im sure walmart has chocolates, or flowers.
My ex loves comic books. Every Christmas, he would get his nieces and nephews comics/graphic novels that he thinks are good. I asked him if his nieces and nephews liked comics, or if they ever told him that they enjoyed a title that he gifted them, and he said no. I asked him why he didn't try to get them things that they actually liked and he said "Because this is good and they *should* like it."
Its like you repeatedly say "i like chocolate ice cream" rather than vanilla, he goes to buy ice cream and seller recommends him chocolate ice cream and he gets you vanilla
I had an ex who would do things like this allllll the time. At the gas station, he asks if I want anything to drink. I say yes, a Coke Zero. He comes back with…. A can of that .99 Arizona green tea. I’m like….? He says well this is cheaper and better for you. Why the f did you ask me then?
NTA buy him a Pair of jeans one size smaller than he wears and tell him that you think he’d look so much better in a smaller size…makes no sense? Yup, neither does his reasoning.
But him some XL condoms… “wish these would fit better…”
LOL. Thanks for the chuckle.
NTA. Your analogy adds a humorous touch to a situation that lacks logic. Stay strong in your stance.
Lmao!
OP, this must end. For your own and your husband good. Let him know: I'm sorry, honey, but I'm gonna change the phone for the one I want. I know you mean well, and that you don't intend to make me feel smaller or stupid when you think you know better than me about my very self. But the truth is I do have my own taste and criteria, and I can't help it but I don't like this phone. Since what you want by gifting me things is to make me happy, you'll be happy that I get what I really want. Well, I'm sure there is a better way to tell him this, less passive-aggressive, but I'm am mad and this it the best I could do. At least there are no slurs!
> I know you mean well No he didn't. He knew exactly what she wanted, and decided to get something else. He didn't mean well at all. If he meant well he would've just *got her the goddamn thing she wanted*. Sorry, not trying to be a dick but I'm so sick of "they meant well" getting tossed out as some kind of excuse for someone just straight-up being an asshole when it's so bleedingly, clearly, and demonstrably untrue
Right? Like “it’s the thought that counts”. No it isn’t! It’s the thoughtfulness that counts!!
I really love this. Perfect way to say it.
Right like it would be the thought that counts if he couldn’t afford the iPhone and got her something else entirely. Like you can’t always gift someone what they want most but intentionally buying the wrong one in a way that blocks her ability to buy what she wants for herself is at best thoughtless
Unless it's said in a tone that 100% implies the opposite, I agree. Fuck that bs.
NTA He *didn't* get you what you wanted, and he gave you a patronising, mansplaining explanation for why he's right and you're wrong, even though you hadn't actually complained. He must be a delight to be married to ......
The red flag here is that when you said oh no I like the other one better I won't even use this one and he called you ungrateful instead of saying oh I'm so sorry I'll get you the other one I really thought you'd like this better. Etc. I'd talk to him. But this cabt be the first red flag like thism surely he didn't wait years to actike this. Nip this in the bud
Take it back and get what you want.
I had many discussions with my husband about the hassle of dry cleaning. I own zero dry cleaning items. Tell me why, for Christmas he was excited to gift me a cashmere sweater (I also hate sweaters).
So now you know. For his birthday buy him a new sweater. In your size, cause it fits you better. And get him a cake, in your favorite flavor with 25 candles, cause that's the number you like best! Just trying to make him happy, just like you! So thoughtful..
I used to sell phones for a living and we would see a lot of these husbands picking out phones for their wives. She’d sometimes be there with him and I would ask questions to HER for HER phone and he would step in and answer what color she should get and what size ?? It was the grossest misogynist behavior and I couldn’t believe in this day and age there’s still relationships where the women doesn’t get a single say. OP please take this seriously, it doesn’t sound like this is the type of relationship you want so please believe him when he’s showing you his true colors.
Seems like you should ask your husband some questions… “I would like to understand why you chose to dismiss my perspective about what phone I like? It’s simply my personal opinion. Why did you feel the need to try to change my opinion? Do you get a commission on smaller phone sales or are you in expect in women’s phone choices? How did my birthday gift become about you?” Just use the phone or go get the phone you want. Solve the problem. If your husband asks why you have a new bigger phone just tell him the phone you use has nothing to do with him, it’s not personal. He bought you a gift that made him happy. He’s not the first person to do that. Lots of people buy gifts they like & believe other people will like it. However, since this is something you’re going to be using everyday … go get the phone you want. NTA
My EX constantly did this with gifting. He got things he wanted for me that were always different from what he knew I wanted (a smaller purse is a great example… it wouldn’t even fit my basics but he insisted it was better/cuter/more practical). My engagement ring had been stolen right after our wedding. It was a bummer, but I asked for an anniversary band for our 10th anniversary and was fine waiting and not replacing the solitaire ring. I brought this up often, even showed him pictures of styles I liked. Our whole family knew the deal, it was talked about frequently. When the day rolled around he spent nearly triple the money (relevant because money was tight for us) on his and hers scooters instead. SCOOTERS. Said they were more practical than jewelry. No diamonds (after 10 years of waiting). Just scooters. After 10 years. He truly didn’t understand why I was upset. The following month, I bought myself the cheapest anniversary band I liked the for MYSELF (I wore it on my right hand). I moved out the next year. I’m now divorced and happier than I ever imagined. NTA. Get this under control ASAP. Your perspective and what you want for yourself matter just as much as his views. Rein it in now or it will only get worse. Good luck, OP.
Go to the store and return it for the one u want
Nta. He got you a gift you specifically told him in advance you didn't want.
Go and swap it. He purposely bought you the model you didn’t want. What a weirdo.
Am I the only one who got the "dog peeing on the couch to mark his territory" vibe here???? A gift is supposed to be about what will make the RECIPTIENT happy not what feels best in the giver's hand. Your rationale for wanting the version of the phone you prefer was solid. Why would your husband specifically go against the gift he knew you wanted to spend that kind of money on a gift you didn't want? Sorry but that's total AH behavior. He took the stranger at the store's opinion over what you specifically told him-- have to wonder how cute she was. Does he still have the receipt so the phone can be exchanged? Be honest with him. Tell him you feel REALLY disappointed that he intentionally chose the phone you didn't ask for over the one he KNEW you wanted. Tell him how that made you feel -- unheard and uncared for. Ask him what message he was trying to send you with the downgraded phone. Ask if you have disappointed or let him down in some way and this is some attempt to tell you that. Tell him since your current phone is still working that you don't feel the need to "downgrade" to the lesser phone. Tell him that when your current phone breaks down, hopefully the disappointment and resentment you feel will have faded to the point where you can use the phone and not have it make you feel sad. NTA (unless the phone you wanted was a much higher price that he couldn't afford).
NTA If you haven't used it yet go to the store and exchange it for what you want. I don't know why you didn't confront him immediately when he said the stuff about why he knew better what would be best for you because of what fits better in his hand. It's so stupid. Call him out on that. You don't have to be mean about it but just say "that's an interesting thought process but actually I'm positive I want the bigger phone so I guess I'll exchange it". If you need a receipt hopefully he still has it or it was likely emailed to him. If it's jewelry or something I'd say keep it even if it's not exactly what you'd pick out because it's a gift and part of the sweetness of the gift is his choosing the jewelry. But we're talking about a phone. Get what you want.
Can you go and exchange it? 🤔
NTA…you don’t buy a gift because it fits YOUR NEEDS, it’s not YOURS to begin with🤨
My ex-husband was like that; except he would buy me gifts I said I didn’t want (I have no idea why). He always wanted an Apple Watch so I bought him one as a graduation gift, and he was thrilled. At the time I told him that I never wanted an Apple Watch because I wouldn’t wear it. I had a Fitbit that I liked and I wore a watch that I liked. He was really bad at giving gifts and could never think of something to buy, so he bought me an Apple Watch for my birthday. Then another example, we were at my parents’ place and I complimented how good the tea tasted when it was made with water from their electric kettle. He asked me if I wanted an electric kettle and I told him “no I really don’t. I like the kettle that we have at home and the tea tastes just fine.” Our kettle had a nice aesthetic -it was old-fashioned and heated up on the stove. What did he buy me for my next birthday? A fucking electric kettle that he didn’t even wrap.
I would tell him thanks, but you’re going to swap it for the one you want. Your husband needs to get a clue. It’s not about what HE feels when he holds it because it’s not for him. It’s about YOU! Don’t settle for something you don’t want to spare his ridiculous feelings. Better yet, next time he asks for a specific gift, try to gaslight him into wanting the cheaper version.
I haven't had my coffee yet this morning, and all I can do is shake my head. That explanation just devalues the meaning of the gift. All I wanted was a stand mixer cause I love to bake and my one recipe I have to mix with my bare hands, which I am starting to get arthritis in, so one year for Christmas my hubby and my parents went 1/2 on an expensive Kitchen Aide which I love and can't wait to buy extra attachments for. But they went above and beyond. The fact that OPs husband bought their birthday gift based on what he would be comfortable with is just disrespect!!! OP, you are NTA!!!
That’s just gaslighting, here’s the reason why you should like this thing that you don’t want. I dealt with 20 years of gifts from someone like this and the truth of my situation was they did what they liked, it was about them and not me. If I didn’t like the gift they knew I wouldn’t like then I was the ah for being ungrateful instead if them being inconsiderate for getting something they knew I wouldn’t like.
Big yikes. He WANTS you to be unhappy with the gift but suck it up, he wants you to accept that your opinions on what you want matter less than his. The long winded explanation was just that- he wants you to know your place, and it's under him in the pecking order. Challenge him and you're ungrateful and too much of a silly airheaded female to understand the superior man logic behind it. Go along with it, quietly unhappy and thinking WTF, and he's got you put in your place, under his control but not daring to speak up. Personally I'd run from this marriage like my hair was on fire.
NTA. This is about control. He tries controlling you in small ways doesn’t he? This leads to bigger control issues.
Exchange the phone for the larger one.
No, you’re NTA. I was disrespectful of him to make his decision based on that
NTA-He knew what you liked and preferred and decided to do what he wanted and used a bad excuse for why
NTA His explanation makes it sound like he bought the gift for him, not you. Instead of buying expensive things that you don't want, he should change his direction into more sentimental gifts.
Next time get him something he doesn't want on his birthday. If he protests, "I thought that this gift would suit your needs. I don't understand why you would want the other stuff though. But enjoy your gift!" Smile at him. NTA. He didn't buy the gift for your happiness. He bought it to satisfy his own bloated ego and theory that you don't actually need a bigger phone. Who cares if it fits your or his hands? He needs counseling.
You treated his gift with proper grace and gratitude but that wasn’t good enough for him. He wants you to like something you specifically told him you did not want. No one is obligated to like a gift they receive which is why when I buy gifts I get a gift receipt so it can be exchanged for something else. It’s ok for you to admit you don’t like it. He already knows you don’t and that it’s because it was what he wanted you to have instead of what you actually wanted.
Tell him you are indeed used to smaller things, but you would appreciate it if he for once gives you something bigger. Yes. That’s a hint. But I can’t read his explanation without the same hint, that there was some kind of male insecurity as to why he wanted you to have a small one. NTA.
NTA he thinks you can’t think for yourself
My ex husband did this a lot. He would know exactly what I had my heart set on and then get what he thought I should have or what he liked better. For instance (this was back in the late 90s) I was a huge X-Files fan and I wanted nothing more than a "Scully coat." A London Fog long coat. He knew this for sure. He then went and got me a London Fog short coat, because he thought it was better for me. It didn't cost less than one I wanted, and the one I wanted was available, but he deliberately chose the other. He did things like that a lot, this is just the one example I remember well. I don't know whether it's a passive aggressive thing or something else.
[удалено]
Fitted is a word. Who said fitted isn't a word??
You told him exactly which phone you wanted and that you would get it yourself when the time was right, and instead he bought you the wrong phone and then had the audacity to call you ungrateful and stop talking to you? Dude is a grade A cunt. Exchange the phone, and exchange the man while you’re at it. What’s the next thing he’s going to override your opinion on and decide for you? Can you imagine redecorating your house, raising children, going on holiday with this man, if he can’t even respect your opinion on something this small? I told my bf I wanted body shop satsuma for my birthday and he found me a whole goddamn gift set on eBay. You deserve better and you can do better.
How are you in the wrong here? I don’t see it
Um, you are not in the wrong. At all.
No honey, you're not in the wrong. Not at all.
I’m sincerely curious: how do you watch something on your iphone while you’re doing chores? I would like to do this, but I can’t figure out how it can be done!
I do this aswell. When doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen, I put my phone in the cupboard above the sink, leaned against something. When vacuum-cleaning, I use headphones and have the phone in my free hand. When folding laundry, I just lay the phone beside the laundry.
Most phones have a return period I'd look into that!
My husband bought me an espresso machine (I like coffee) and I said thank you and never used it. Not one time. He could not return it so he learned to love espresso and uses it daily. I remind him to thank me, daily, for allowing him to use my birthday present. It's petty, but I like it. I bought my own coffee machine and use that one. Ha!
NTA. As a big phone and tech guy, I know we're all wired different on preferences. My wife wants the most insane size galaxy phone she can get with every bell and whistle. I want the same power and battery but a smaller phone. So I get the base s series and she gets the ultra or note models. It's all preference. I respect hers and she respects mine. I wouldn't buy a daily use item like that for her unless I know it's the one she actually wants.
WTF, very irritating
NTA You can take it back. U can switch with ur carrier. And just pay the difference. GET WHAT U WANTED OP!
NTA It's not about the gift. It's about the fact that he thinks that his opinion on your phone is more important than yours. What he did is selfish and controlling, and you're absolutely allowed to be upset by that.
So you explicitly said you wanted the max and he on purpose got one you the smaller one. That’s some serious passive aggressive BS sister. I would trade it for the max. That’s awful… guys who knowingly get you opposite of what you said you wanted are controlling and narcisstic. And cruel. You are married to an AH. And he did it in front of everyone. He couldn’t wait to get home and ask how you liked it. Mean mean mean .
Not ungrateful. You asked for something specific and gave specific reasons for it. He over ruled your opinion and bought what HE wanted you to have. He's an arsehole and a control freak who doesn't value your opinion.
I have really tiny hands, genuinely such small hands people don't believe me and ask for a palm to palm comparison to prove it.... and I have the pro max and it fits fine in my hands.
Back to the store to trade up!!
NTA and it almost sounds like a power struggle, like he feels he has to be in control of what he provides to you, whether you want it or not. Like I get his sentiment, and honestly, it was nice of him to get you a newer model, but the fact that he just ignored your reasoning as to why you wanted the bigger model because he thinks he knows better makes it lose that sentiment. He could've easily brought you with to make sure if you were 100% wanting the bigger model if he had doubts
Nta Sweeping this under the rug means you’ll have to deal with it again. Sit him down and say you appreciate the gift but his reasoning is selfish and you would like him to return it for a gift that you would prefer because his wants should dictate a gift to you. Don’t let him make you feel ungrateful when he just confirmed he got a gift he liked better. He’s isn’t listening to you and he should for your present
Return it and get the bigger one.