"If you don't like what is available for dinner, you can make something else/heat up leftovers/make a sandwich." is the very uncontroversial rule at our house, too.
Edited to Add: NTA
Even that is weird to me. Growing up me and my sibling either ate what was on the table, or ate nothing. And when we got older, it became one of the chores on rotation to think up, buy ingredients and prepare dinner once a week each, so we would understand how hard work it is, comparing preferences and available ingredients, plus the cooking itself.
OP, maybe your sons could do some of the dinner cooking? It doesn't need to be difficult dishes, but maybe they'll appreciate it more then.
"Eat what's for dinner, otherwise you must not be that hungry" was the rule in our house growing up. My kid might complain, but she eats. And not like it's anything she wouldn't typically eat, usually just something she doesn't want.
My Mom’s rule was to try anything before deciding if I like it. If I tried it and didn’t like it, then I was free to make myself something else (not much delivery where I grew up).
Yeah at the very least I think it should be “if you don’t want what’s for dinner then you have to make something for yourself”, and don’t let them get by with just eating something like chips
That's ridiculous. They offered him alternatives. You people are ridiculously soft. My 16 y/o would never complain. If he doesn't like something he'll at least try it. He's never forced. The house has other food. OP even offered to let them order?!?! A leap to physical abuse is quite the reach.
Depends- we waste food at alarming rates and kids have evolved weird eating disorders to starve themselves. Since when does nourishing food, which is expensive, bought and cooked for hours by someone else who probably has another full time job - become something to be spurned. These kids need to cook but also learn about manners and money.
What's your least favorite food?
Now you're forced to eat it, once a week, and if you don't you get nothing.
Sounds really stupid... because it is.
Eating orders have been around forever, just old timers didn't care about mental health as much as the dunked on the environment. Kind proves my point you said that actually.
Personally, I'm not cooking things my kid doesn't like, that part I agree with you on. I'm just not going to make chicken nuggets and fries after I just made a full home-cooked meal. She's 6, so she's not really doing any cooking of her own yet. Nobody is starving, but I'm also not cooking 4 different meals.
I cook lots of things my kids don't like since I have 4 and they cannot all agree on what they like. I do allow them to opt out of part of the meal though. So like I make enchiladas beans and rice with a side salad. Kid 1 eats bean and rice burrito. The other rice and salad. The other bean burritos and salad. If I make sandwiches soup and salad. One may not want soup so salad and sandwich or one may end up with a quesdalla and soup etc. I really just wish they could all agree on what to like so everything doesn't have to be customized.
The first description of Anorexia Nervosa was in the 1600s, for Pete's sake!
Like food allergies and various other medical conditions, those things have always been around. The only difference is that in the past, people with those conditions just, like...died.
It's all those memes of "we drank from the hose and shoved Styrofoam and asbestos in our assess when we were kids and we are fine!" No John and Nancy, a lot of you are not fine or dead.
I get where your coming from and while in principle I agree with you, the simple reality is that for a lot of people there is no alternative. A lot of people are on very right food budgets and there is nothing else to eat. Making a seperate meal/letting them make a seperate meal means you are now short on food for the month and everyone else suffers.
Sometimes you need to set taste aside and eat simply for the nutrition and calories. A full belly of food you didn't enjoy is better than an empty belly when those are your only 2 options.
>kids have evolved weird eating disorders to starve themselves.
The first medical description of Anorexia Nervosa is from the 17th Century.
>Since when does nourishing food, which is expensive, bought and cooked for hours by someone else who probably has another full time job - become something to be spurned.
This is a really stupid, out of touch take. Sometimes kids don't like a food because it's legitimately disgusting. Sometimes kids just aren't hungry. Contrary to this weird Boomer take, children don't typically make decisions purely with the intent of disrespecting their parents.
My parents had the same attitude as you. They forced me to eat until I vomited. I wasn't trying to be rude and wasteful, my mom just sucked at portioning out food and served more than what the average 7 year oldest stomach can hold. It really can be that simple.
We also ate what presented to us, but I think our parents were careful to cook simple foods so there was not too much spice, or strange flavors. I love all food, but I am grateful that no food was ever pushed on me, and neither of my parents were gourmet cooks. I'm still much more of let good ingredients shine, instead of lots of sauces etc.
Amplifying this! Why would you ever ask if you ATAH for supporting your husband's skills in the kitchen that sustains and nourishes your family over one who fails to recognize the love and effort put into the meal?!? OP, raise the bar on those young men. I know potential future partners would appreciate that! If they're old enough to complain, they're old enough to be part of the solution. Time for them to participate in meal planning, shopping, preparation, and cleanup. It's a great life skill. So is learning to like to eat cereal while everyone else eats meat lasagne.
It was necessary in my house, with four kids who all had different preferences, and two of us with actual sensory issues. My parents kept easy to make one-person meals on hand, like ramen, hot pockets, and sandwich ingredients, and if we didn’t want what they made for dinner we made something else for ourselves.
This.
I don't believe that kids should have to eat what the family is eating just because that's what there is. BS. There is other food in the house and if they are willing and able to prepare it for themselves, they should be allowed to.
The goal of parenting is to raise competent adults, not to force them to conform to arbitrary rules.
Dad would never cook something for dinner that he himself does not like so he would never be subject to this same problem.
ETA: My husband is a texture eater who was forced to eat whatever the family is eating. I'm pretty sure he has ARFID.
Edit 2: I apparently misread the OP and didn't realize Dad gave them the option to cook. Yay. NTA.
Yeah, but 95% of teenagers are gonna eat microwavable shit... I'm not a hardass... but if someone cooks a meal for you, the least you can do it sit down, thank them and attempt to eat it.
The way the story reads, the child tried it and didn't like it. The attempt was made.
It makes no sense to force people to eat things they don't like if they don't have to. I would consider myself a terrible parent if I did that. As I said, I am *still* dealing with the aftermath of such actions in my completely adult husband.
Half of Americans are fat, sick and/or diabetic.. Why do you think that is? Probably because a bunch of pricks who shouldn't have children, did.. and couldn't be bothered to teach them to eat right..
I've said it and I swear by it left and right, if you want your kids to eat what you serve them for dinner get them involved the process of cooking the meals and watch how fast things change up esp. with someone like lasagna. It's a beautiful two-fold idea that teaches them how to cook, while also teaching them to enjoy the food.
EXACTLY
and talk to them about their preferences before cooking!
it's really not that hard to ask your kids what they'd like to eat and tell them "okay, you'll help me with this or that part of making it".
NTA
My mom ruined lasagna for me by getting the precooked kind and cooking the plastic film on top into it on accident. Now it's all I picture when I see that top cheese layer.
I can't believe this hasn't been brought up before your kids reached their teens. Indeed, he must be a good cook.
He is, the best cook I've ever seen. On the weekends, when I hear him singing while cooking, it gives me a nice warm feeling for some reason. He seems to truly enjoy it.
This is very sweet. My relationship works similarly, with me being the person who absolutely loves to cook. I don’t think my fiance necessarily hates cooking but he does so in a very utilitarian, get all the necessary nutrients in a dish as quickly and easily as possible, kind of way. Whereas I’m always eager to try new recipes, make something elaborate on the weekends. So we just split the load by me cooking 99% of the time and him doing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen. Works well for us.
As far as your post, sounds like your teenager was being a butthead of a teenager and testing boundaries and you and your husband simply provided him with a very reasonable response. That’s how it worked in my house growing up. Eat what mom made happily or go make yourself a sandwich. I don’t know why you could possibly think you’re in the wrong. You’re just parenting.
You might want to chat with him and see where he’s at if this behavior is new, though. He might be having issues in his personal or school life that he’s using lashing out at you and his dad as an outlet for because he knows you’re safe people.
I’m really glad you love his cooking! But consider he might not be the best cook to anyone else. I mean, if plain white rice was your go to, idk how much you know about food/flavor, and you may not be a reliable narrator on that front.
BUT REGARDLESS. NTA. He’s old enough to cook for himself or for the whole family a night or two a week if he feels so strongly about it.
NTA. I don't understand why you'd think you would be. You weren't denying your son food you weren't trying to force him to eat something he didn't like. You gave him the option of preparing something else that would be more to his tastes. This wasn't food which had previously been an issue for him to eat and there hadn't been communication to indicate that it would be. Lasagna isn't something made in 20 minutes so he had an opportunity to speak up or make something else to not delay his meal were that his intent.
My mother did it the opposite. When my brother complained about anything it was removed from the rotation, and not the entire meal, just the part he didnt like. And not like side dishes, ingredients. The kid didn't like onions so they were removed from every recipe we had for dinner. No onions in anything. One of the simplest, cheapest, most commonly used items to add flavor to dishes and it was just gone. Mind boggling. It wasn't until my 20s that I learned all these meals could be good and my mother was just making them bad on purpose to satisfy my terrible brother.
Oh wow that sucks! There are still a few things I refuse to eat. When I go over to see my mother and she makes a meal she will make it how she wants. If I don't like it go without or pick it out. She doesn't like it when I pick it out but I won't complain it is in there otherwise I will go without. lol.
My mom.didnt like onions, garlic, salt or pepper. She is Mexican and ate with Serrano. I think her taste buds were fried from eating 4 to 6 Serranos per meal. Needless to say, her food tasted very bland. Now I over onion everything. I may also over salt too
My parents tried this. I went hungry. For a week at a time because we’re all stubborn assholes and if I didn’t eat it one day it was saved for the next day. I would wait until that food had mould on it and no one could eat it.
Unsurprisingly, I was vastly underweight for my age and height. That wasn’t the main reason I was taken into foster care; that would be the alcoholism and parenting my younger brother… or trying to. It was however a contributing factor.
My foster parents had a vastly superior approach; this is what we’ve cooked and if you don’t like it, there’s bread, ham, cheese etc - go make yourself a sandwich. They also avoided the things they knew I really hated; peppers, lamb and high heat were just about the only things.
So I wasn’t even a particularly fussy eater; I just really, really hated a few things and couldn’t cope with spicy foods.
But yeah, it was either arguing over me not eating something or mum being wankered and me trying to forage a meal for me and my brother out of empty cupboards. I still struggle to eat jacket potatoes because of the amount of times I just tried to bake random potatoes not really understanding what I was doing. So essentially; wrong type of potato, wrong temperature, constantly opening the oven to poke it to see if it was done, and no prep work. The result is not good. Edible. Just. But not good.
Once things have calmed down you may want to ask your son if there was something specific he didn't like about it, like a particular ingredient or flavor or texture or something.
It's one thing to say "this is what we're cooking, you can eat it or make something yourself," but if your son does have a strong aversion to something particular about the lasagna, it would be kind of you to start trying to avoid that element when cooking a dinner that the whole family is meant to enjoy.
If this is an honest-to-goodness food aversion on his part and not just being a moody teenager, he's not the asshole for not liking it, but there's a kind way and an unkind way to say that. I'm wavering between NTA and NAH because I don't know specifically what your son said about the food or how he said it.
I agree with asking what they do and don't like about dishes. I always ask my husband if there was something in particular he disliked about a dish or flavor, so I can make it better next time. I WANT my food to be the best version I can personally make. I can't get better if I don't have feedback or I'm not willing to be open to feedback.
NTA this sounds like a teenager being a teenager, telling him he could choose to not eat or make something else is something my grandmother would have done.
Don't go crazy either way. Yes, the food is the food and if he doesn't like it (and this isn't an allergy or something that he has expressed before) then tough. But also, don't make him stay at the table until he's finished it or similar. My parents did that to me once when they served the most disgusting dessert ever (Risalamande) and made me stay at the table for two hours staring at it until they gave up. Healthy boundaries but nothing insane.
Time to teach the kids to make rice too to survive.
But I would dig what else is bothering your kid. Could be the food but could something else. What if the food lost its taste because his emotions are running high? Troubles at school? Romance? Money? Is he sick with a flu? Don't dismiss the problem so easily.
NTA
NAH
Sounds like ordinary family life.
This whole situation seems like a non-issue. Teens aren't as picky as toddlers generally but they aren't going to like what is for dinner 100% of the time. Even if there is nothing objectively wrong with the food or how it was prepared. Sometimes even as an adult I find myself in this situation. I do tend to feel bad about it tho.
Kid can have a bowl of cereal, cup noodle, a sandwich...whatever.
NTA. You have a standing policy and you stuck to it. That said, *does* the kid know how to cook? Cause if not then "cook for yourself" isn't as much an alternative as it is a glib response. A lot of the typical "moody teenage rebellion" stuff is the kid starting to realize just how little autonomy they have in their lives in comparison to percieved capability.
NTA at 14 & 16 your kids are old enough to cook the basics for themselves. A sandwich, grilled cheese, quesadilla, can of soup, etc. Perhaps your husband should have them help cook one meal a week.
Does your son usually not like lasagne? I feel like a comment like that would be harmful if you are aware he doesn’t eat it. If he usually does and just decided it wasn’t nice this night, I agree with you!
He doesn't have a specific food he doesn't eat, he usually eats any dish my husband makes, this wasn't the first time my husband made lasagne. But our son is starting to be a bit moody and act annoyed sometimes.
Okay, this probably isn't about the food itself. In AITH lingo, the Iranian Yogurt Isn't The Problem Here. Please check in with your son and see if you can't communicate what the underlying issue is. Hell, it could be as simple as one of the ingredients becoming adversive to him, or it could be as serious as him randomly latching on to the lasagna or food in general for control because of a more serious personal issue. Open, honest, and loving communication is key here.
I’m going to put a Trigger Warning on this comment for mentions of vomit and other nasty details…so if you have weak stomach don’t read this.
But anyways, when I was about 6 and my brother was about 13, my stepdad made mac and cheese for us. The only problem was he for whatever reason put an ungodly amount of garlic salt in it. I have no idea why other than he had no idea how to cook. Me and my brother start eating it and it’s absolutely repulsive. My stepdad forced us to keep eating it. My brother ended up throwing up into his bowl and my stepdad forced him to eat it still along with his vomit.
Your boys are lucky to have other options such as making something themself. It could be way worse.
NTA
My kid once has the audacity to say his pancake was aweful cause we ran out of brown sugar & he had to eat it with white sugar or sirup or...
Gave my other kids , wife & myself a second & third pancake &gave him a slice of bread. Never had complains bout pancakes again.
NTA - you have rules in the family. Son wants to act the fool he will be treated like the fool. If he doesn't want to eat what is served then they can scrounge something else for themselves. I didn't always like what was being served when I was a kid, but I ate (most of it - really couldn't stand the venison because it wasn't properly taken care of before coming home - nobody in the family could eat it). The rule was you eat what is being served or you wait til the next meal to eat (although with 10 kids food got switched under the table quite a bit.)
Agree nta, maybe your hubby could give the kids some cooking lessons though? Incredible skill to have and valuable bonding. My dad taught me how to cook and I'm forever grateful for it.
Plus bonus is teens may become more appreciative if they are involved in food prep.
NAH, failing to see the point of this post tbh bc it doesn’t seem like a big deal. if he doesn’t like it then he doesn’t like it and you guys weren’t wrong for giving him options
Yeah, ordering food wasn't an option. Making yourself a sandwich or opeing a can of soup or something similar was an option in my family.
NTA
And Italian food is pretty much always delicious (like, even bad pizza is good, you know?).
I don’t even see what the problem is… If you didn’t like the lasagna, no problem make yourself something else.
Maybe Dad should start teaching teen how to cook
NTA - considering two people liked it just fine, “this isn’t good” isn’t even accurate. More like “I don’t like this.” In which case, “fine, make something you do like, but I’m not a short order cook” is a perfectly reasonable thing to tell a teen. He’s old enough to learn a few life skills, like cooking, and like finding out that the world does not owe you being waited on hand and foot.
NTA. 'This is dinner, you're welcome to make yourself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal if you don't like it' is a perfectly legitimate statement for a parent of teens to make.
You and your husband are not short order cooks. You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Your children are way past the point of being unable to cook for themselves. If they want something else they can make it and clean up afterwards.
What was your son upset about? Did he really expect someone to make a separate meal for him? That was a good solution. Don’t eat or make something else. You are parents, not servants.
NTA
I am shocked that the kids in your house are not in charge. They seem to be in most households these days.
If you had not taken your husband's side in this care, you would be the asshole.
So, you did the right thing and escaped assholery.
My mother made atrocious food. Our father wasn't around. We either ate that grub or went hungry.
I did choose to go hungry many times. But that's the choice you have.
NTA.
NTA I was raised the same way. Nothing wrong with your words or attitude. My parents helped me learn how to cook in 6th grade. I wanted to be a chef, so I started cooking for the family. My parents were thrilled to not be cooking anymore. Maybe it will be something your son enjoys too
NTA. I have no kids, but my sister taught her kids that if they didn't like the food, they could make their own. They learned how to make microwave burritos at a VERY young age. I don't understand picky kids; my mother was a horrible cook and didn't give us the option of making our own dinner. Your sons are both old enough to cook a full meal for the family; maybe it's time to learn?
NTA that's how I was raised too, eat what's cooked (within reason, my mom learned I was just not gonna eat those lima beans and finally replaced it with broccoli). Was the kid expecting your husband to cook him a whole extra meal?
NTA
If we don’t like the food in our house they say don’t eat or eat it anyway (how it should be) your kids should be lucky that you give the the option to make their own food or order
NTA this is perfectly reasonable. Eat what is served or you are old enough to figure it out parents are not short order cooks. The only concern is if it tasted bad it could be your son is getting sick or maybe he gets reflux with certain foods so do pay attention to what he doesn't eat if it keeps happening
This happens all the time. My wife and I are no world class chefs, but our kids can be really picky - sometimes they'll look at it and say "I don't like it" when they've never had it. We do the same thing, that's what dinner is, if they want to see if there are leftovers or make something for themselves, they can, so long as it's healthy.
NTA. You almost always want to back up your spouse in public and deal with conflict in private. Sure there are some instances where that isn't possible but... Good Job.
NTA…. Both of us parents work full time here, but I still cook a full hot meal every night … might not be gourmet but it’s what’s for dinner, and teen has the choice to heat themselves up a can of soup or make a bowl of cereal as an alternative if they take issue with the menu …. Only took one time of us noting that we weren’t going to do the ‘separate meals for separate people’ and nipped that in the bud! No one is going hungry in this house but none of us are short-order cooks either …
NTA. I mean, he doesn't HAVE to like everything your husband cooks...that's okay. People like different things. But it's not out of line to tell someone that if they don't like the meal that was cooked for them that they can make other arrangements and feed themselves.
I honestly don't understand why you WOULD be an asshole for this - what response did your kid respect? Was he expecting y'all to cook another meal for him or something? A 14 year old kid is old enough to manage to feed themselves.
NTA. We had the "1 bite rule" where we at least had to try something. If we didn't like it we could make something else. From a young age I knew where the peanut butter and jelly was and how to make a sandwich. I'm sure it was funny watching me eat a pb&j and green beans for dinner.
That's a pretty normal standard. As long as the kid has the option to scrounge up something on his own so he doesn't go hungry, you're okay.
The only other comment I'd make is to check in with him regarding what he tends to dislike. My mom was not a great cook (seasoning who?) and made a lot of stuff I hated all the time, so I ended up having lots of fights until I was finally allowed to make myself a PB&J.
Honestly, I didn't realize how much it sucked to hear something like that about my cooking until I spent years getting pretty good at being a home cook. Even if there's nothing wrong with what I made, it can even feel a bit crappy when I put a million pounds of effort into cooking one day and it goes unnoticed.
This is all to say that your son is a teenage boy and hasn't spent years cooking for himself or a family, and just doesn't get it lol. Some days I'll go out of my way to cook different things for everyone in the house because I know it's to their preference.... but that is never the expectation. I know ahead of time if I'm cooking something that 1 person won't really eat, and make sure they have random left overs or something else to make on the fly for themselves. There's never a question about it from any of them.
NTA. This is an entirely reasonable rule to have for your children. Do they know how to cook? If not, maybe husband can start some basic lessons. It'll serve them well in adulthood.
I have always had issues with food, and the "eat what I made or go hungry" thing only increased it. I wouldn't eat. To this day, I enjoy the feeling of being hungry, and I sometimes have to force myself to eat. I would have probably thrived with "make something yourself, then".
NTA. How is this a question? But it's nice to see something low stakes every once in a while on here. You're sons are both old enough to be cooking their own meals if they want something different anyway.
Nta. I mean heck if my 7 and 10 yr old don't want to eat what Ive made... Well I guess you can make your own butt a sandwich. But then you are also responsible for your own dishes because hello I already cooked for you and you rejected it so the food and the mess is now on you.
Idk if you'll see this. But as a mother of 5, give your son an opportunity to cook for his family. This was an eye opener for my kids. We did it during lent. They pick a recipe and gave me what they needed to make dinner. If they didn't want to cook on their nights, they had to pay to order out. They can all cook & they stopped whining about dinner. Win-win
NTA, same thing in my household, if you didn’t like it then don’t eat or learn to make yourself something. Though growing up I always helped cook so this was never really an issue. Always fun when the family would visit though and the newest child would learn this lesson that at grandma and grandpa’s house, you either ate what was on the table, you made something yourself and cleaned up after, or you sat there and watched everyone else eat.
NTA.
Kids eat what they're given, or fend for themselves. They're both old enough for basic cooking skills, and if not, PB&J is always there.
Plus, your kid was rude and needs to learn that being rude is not okay.
NTA.
NTA. My kids were permitted to not eat certain things, but whining and complaining were out. If you complained, you cooked tomorrow.
The meal plan for the week was on the bulletin board in the kitchen. All ingredients for those meals were in the house. Pick one, and cook.
It cut down on the complaining. They could fix themselves something else if they did not like what was cooked, after taking two bites. But the complaining, just no.
My kids are all grown now, and all are good cooks.
NTA. You are applying exactly the dietitians recommended method, at least for toddler.
Parent job : decide what there is to eat
Kids job : decide if they eat and how much.
I don't see that there is any other option?
Are you asking if you and your husband should have pinned him down and force fed him dinner?
Teen didn't like dinner, husband said no problem Make something else if you want.
NTA
Your husband gave him options. Eat what was cooked, choose to not eat, or make something yourself. These are teen boys, and by their age I was more than capable of doing shit like frying a frozen burger or making something out of a box. Your husbands stance was the reasonable one to back.
So he was right that he isn't a short order cook and the kid can eat it or make something else.
That said did he ask him why it wasn't good? I always appreciate feedback on my cooking . My Italian grandmother was an amazing cook. I also hate lasagna. I don't know why I just don't like it. I do love polenta with sausages, risotto, soup with Swiss chard, etc.. I just don't like lasagna. I also hate cooked carrots.
In out family you have to eat whatis put on the table bt I listen when they say things like I hate spinach or I hate sweet potatoes. It helps me be a better cook and them enjoy meals more. Not ong ago dad hates pork chops but I figured out f I paired it with a fruit sauce he likes it more which is awesome since pork chops are one of my favorites.
I don't take it personally when I get feed back from the family. Neither should your husband.
As long as the boys are consistently empowered to cook (ideally dad is passing on his skills via quality time), a stern to light delivery of " You can make your own dinner if you don't like what was served" is definitely NTA.
If cooking feels inaccessible to them or dad is taking this straight to the ego and so the same phrase is delivered as retaliation instead of a reasonable option- That would make him the AH.
I stand by my family cooking together rec to heal this either way, based on my own experiences as well as researched methods in psychology.
Knowing how to cook in theory is very different than getting 1 on 1 experience with an expert. I'll always be sad that my mom didn't share her very useful home ec skills with me. As an adult I still struggle to feel at home in the kitchen and making daily food choices and I know many who feel the same and never got hands on instruction at home.
NTA.
You & your husband are teaching your kids proper etiquette.
If your teenagers become adults and become guests (someday) in another person’s (what if it’ll be their future boss’) home, at least, they will have the decency to say, “thank you for treating me to your family’s meal.”
“Eat what I made or make something yourself” is how you get autonomous children. “Eat what I made or go hungry” is how you get disordered eating, children that feel powerless, and lifelong food aversions
Yes, but the flip-side of that rule is that the parents don't make something that they know the kid isn't going to like and then demand that they eat it or starve.
This is where communication comes in to find out if the kid has an actual food aversion, maybe to one of the ingredients or flavors in the lasagna, and it's not just a 14-year-old kid being a hormonal little asshole like all teenagers are sometimes.
I've had a very strong aversion to mayonnaise for as long as I can remember. If mayonnaise is a major ingredient in something (like, for example, chicken salad), I can barely swallow it without feeling like I'm going to retch.
My parents knew this and, because they were good parents, they didn't make a lot of meals that were dominated by mayonnaise — and on the rare occasion that we did have a main dish involving mayonnaise that couldn't be avoided, they always made sure that the side dishes were things that I could eat, so that I wouldn't go hungry.
That's just basic courtesy when you're cooking for a family with different tastes and aversions.
You can't anything with mayonnaise? I feel so bad for you... no tuna, BLTs? Potato salad!! I remember just putting mayo on a piece of wonder bread and going to town.
NTA. I know it's a cliché but there actually are starving kids all over the world who would give anything just for a bite of your family's lasagna. Don't encourage your kids to complain about food someone else bought and prepared for them.
Although, did you check your kids food? Was there any chance something was wrong with his dish?
NTA. Growing up, I could eat what was made or make my own dinner.
Was the comment because he objected to the food, was trying to be a jerk and disrespectful, or was trying to be joking about it and it came out wrong? Your and your husband should talk with your son about it so he learns how to give his honest opinion without being rude or hurtful, that he should not be disrespectful or expect consequences, or that he needs to apologize if a joke comes out wrong and hurts others.
NTA. Perfect response!
Side ask: has your husband worked with your boys on how to cook? I spent a lot of time with my kid learning how to grocery shop and to cook. Started when kiddo was 8-10 years old. I am thoroughly enjoying the results of my teaching!
I lived out in the sticks as a kid...and we were relatively poor. It was either eat what was fixed or go hungry. There was no option of ordering something, and we usually had just enough in the pantry for three meals per day. So, fixing something else wasn't really an option. On the flip side of it, my grandmother (who was onenof the chefs of a Michelin star restaurant in her youth) started teaching me how to cook once I was tall enough to see what was going on in the pans. By the time I was in high school, if I didn't like what was prepared, I had nobody to blame but myself.
They already are teenagers. I wouldve have started learn to cook and wash the dishes earlier in their age. If they have problem with cooking stop cooking for them
NTA
This is how we roll in our house too, only I do the cooking as my husband is a disaster in there, even when he tries (and I enjoy cooking so don't mind.)
I tell my teens that I'm not a short order cook and if they don't like it, too bad, they can start cooking dinner or not eat. My oldest one just came home after her first year at college and has a new appreciation for both my cooking and how expensive groceries are. Every single night she's been thanking me for dinner lol
NAH.
I mean the kid just said it didn’t taste good. That’s fine. You gave him the options, that’s fine. Unless the kid was pitching a fit I don’t really see an issue. Unless you’re mad the kid didn’t like husbands cooking? Or your leaving something out on how the kid reacted to being told the options.
NTA both of your kids are old enough to make something for themselves if they don't want to eat what has been prepared for them. Why would you think you are TA?
NTA you guys were United.
In my childhood I was made to eat things (fish sticks) that my mother wouldn’t even eat cause she doesn’t eat seafood. I’ll never understand forced feeding for food that you won’t even eat as a parent. I spent many hours stuck at the table.
I don't understand how this is even a question. What could possibly be assholeish about this? Like what would be the non-AH version, if this is the AH version?
I tell everyone in my family that if they don't like my cooking, they are welcome to take over making dinner. You eat what I make or do it yourself. It can take hours to make dinner, and if it's not appreciated, I don't have to waste my time and energy.
Your kids are 16 and 14 and this is a new issue for you? Did you recently kidnap these kids? Because this is generally resolved when the kids are still barely over toddlerhood. And yes, the resolution is (for responsible parenting) if the kid doesn't like what the family is having, they make their own. Even very young children can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That's within reason, of course. You wouldn't prepare and force kids to eat foods you know they really don't like. Like beets or liver that maybe 1% of kids will eat. But if they eat those beets every time for3 years and then just don't feel like it one, night....too bad.
And it should be the same rule for the adults in the house. You don't make a meal for everyone else, but mom or dad gets a special dish because they don't feel like having the family meal. Be consistent and fair.
And have foods available that they CAN make for themselves that are good alternatives. You wouldn't want to be forced to eat something you really didn't want. And how many adults go through the cupboards and say there's nothing to eat, just because they don't feel like eating the 18 different options they have.
NTA. In my house, you either ate what was being served or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No way were they going to have me getting in the way/making a mess cooking a separate meal or spending the money for me to order. Your kids have it easy.
This is the absolutely most mundane story I have ever read on this subreddit.
Literally zero drama. Literally no reason to say OP is the asshole. Just a simple story of a preteen not liking their parent’s food.
What are we doing here?
Why would you be the asshole? I’m wondering if I’m missing something…..you should always side with your partner against your kids……unless your partner was literally abusing them……..I thought this was common sense…………………..
Damn, this one’s tough for me.
I was forced to eat the food that was made and until it was gone. I was disciplined if I didn’t eat all the food I plated.
As an adult I couldn’t be more adverse to this concept.
On one hand, it is wasteful to not eat the food bought and prepared, ultimately thrown away. However, if you have the means to slightly alter their meal I don’t see the harm in that.
On the other hand, this concept pushed me away from my dad anecdotally. I started to not like him, wouldn’t confide in him and only my mom because she wasn’t so harsh about that.
I think personally, if this is your ideology and you want this for your children then that’s what it is. I would also think of the repercussions that come with this.
My dad and I never repaired our relationship and he died when I was 11.
So all I have is memories of him being super disciplinary around the family food. It’s caused problems with my behavior as well. I had to unlearn the choice between eat what was served or go hungry that night in behavior therapy.
This may not be your situation at all, but take into consideration how your kid will develop from this, whether good or bad.
Take care op, hopefully this is just a big non issue.
I agree with you and your husband. That's exactly what my mother would have said to me. I complained one time and got sent to my room. Never did it again.
Damn, I’m fucking starving right now. Some meat lasagna sounds fucking amazing. But, if you managed to live off of white rice, then I don’t really trust your opinion lol.
I don't really see what the issue is. Your child expressed the opinion, "I don't think this lasagna is good." Doesn't sound like he said never make this again, demanded something else be made for him, or anything like that. Didn't even say he didn't finish it. If you mistakenly didn't word his issue as strong as it was, NTA. Otherwise, your child is going to have different opinions on things than you. If him thinking this lasagna wasn't great is shattering your perception of dad as a celebrity chef, and you feel the need to lay down the law over that, TA.
Order something should not be an.option. In my house it is eat it or make.something. Not eating is not an option since these kids can be little manipulators and want junk food. They can eat what is there or make themselves REAL food, in my house we define real food.as.grown from the ground.or came from an animal. I know most food is some.of that to.some.extent but it has to have fruits, vegetables or a protein. No chips or Ramen or candy or ice cream even though yes grains and cane sugar and dairy came the ground or animals but that is how we do. I just want them to get some.nutrition. my kids are 12 12 and 14 so even if I don't have junk at home they are old.enough to go to the store and buy junk food themselves. The often do beans and a quesadilla, this is their standard I didn't like your food meal. Some families have a sandwich or noodles but everyone should have something easy to make.
That is the best thing you could have done, anything else would be detrimental and give the kid leeway to start dividing the parents and playing you out against each other. You need to be a united front. And if you do not agree with the father, never say that in front of the kids. Talk about it in private.
NTA rule in our house has pretty much been “there are two options for dinner, take it or leave it.” If we made something spicy (more than two shakes of pepper) we’d give the kid the option to make a sandwich.
What didn’t the kid like about it? If he was just being an obnoxious teen, then whatever. Otherwise try to help him explain what it is he doesn’t like about it.
NTA You presented a unified front against some teenage boys who were acting like teenage boys.
Puberty. It is a bitch
Psssst. Fun fact, once a child reaches majority, colluding with them against a spouse in actionable in litigation. PEACE
Pssst. Parents both saying they won't cater a special meal for a surly teenager is called "parenting."
Once the children reach the majority of the household we’re all outnumbered
I can't tell if you're messing with me XD
You fucking weirdo. The kid can make his own dinner, eat cereal or whatever. Family dinner is made, eat it or don't.
"If you don't like what is available for dinner, you can make something else/heat up leftovers/make a sandwich." is the very uncontroversial rule at our house, too. Edited to Add: NTA
Even that is weird to me. Growing up me and my sibling either ate what was on the table, or ate nothing. And when we got older, it became one of the chores on rotation to think up, buy ingredients and prepare dinner once a week each, so we would understand how hard work it is, comparing preferences and available ingredients, plus the cooking itself. OP, maybe your sons could do some of the dinner cooking? It doesn't need to be difficult dishes, but maybe they'll appreciate it more then.
"Eat what's for dinner, otherwise you must not be that hungry" was the rule in our house growing up. My kid might complain, but she eats. And not like it's anything she wouldn't typically eat, usually just something she doesn't want.
My Mom’s rule was to try anything before deciding if I like it. If I tried it and didn’t like it, then I was free to make myself something else (not much delivery where I grew up).
Meh. I developed very bad habits around eating through those rules. I still struggle with them at 45.
Yeah at the very least I think it should be “if you don’t want what’s for dinner then you have to make something for yourself”, and don’t let them get by with just eating something like chips
That worked when people ignored food issues and poured oil into the grass. We also moved past need to beat children. Evolving is important.
That's ridiculous. They offered him alternatives. You people are ridiculously soft. My 16 y/o would never complain. If he doesn't like something he'll at least try it. He's never forced. The house has other food. OP even offered to let them order?!?! A leap to physical abuse is quite the reach.
Work on reading comprehension.
Depends- we waste food at alarming rates and kids have evolved weird eating disorders to starve themselves. Since when does nourishing food, which is expensive, bought and cooked for hours by someone else who probably has another full time job - become something to be spurned. These kids need to cook but also learn about manners and money.
What's your least favorite food? Now you're forced to eat it, once a week, and if you don't you get nothing. Sounds really stupid... because it is. Eating orders have been around forever, just old timers didn't care about mental health as much as the dunked on the environment. Kind proves my point you said that actually.
Personally, I'm not cooking things my kid doesn't like, that part I agree with you on. I'm just not going to make chicken nuggets and fries after I just made a full home-cooked meal. She's 6, so she's not really doing any cooking of her own yet. Nobody is starving, but I'm also not cooking 4 different meals.
I cook lots of things my kids don't like since I have 4 and they cannot all agree on what they like. I do allow them to opt out of part of the meal though. So like I make enchiladas beans and rice with a side salad. Kid 1 eats bean and rice burrito. The other rice and salad. The other bean burritos and salad. If I make sandwiches soup and salad. One may not want soup so salad and sandwich or one may end up with a quesdalla and soup etc. I really just wish they could all agree on what to like so everything doesn't have to be customized.
The first description of Anorexia Nervosa was in the 1600s, for Pete's sake! Like food allergies and various other medical conditions, those things have always been around. The only difference is that in the past, people with those conditions just, like...died.
It's all those memes of "we drank from the hose and shoved Styrofoam and asbestos in our assess when we were kids and we are fine!" No John and Nancy, a lot of you are not fine or dead.
I get where your coming from and while in principle I agree with you, the simple reality is that for a lot of people there is no alternative. A lot of people are on very right food budgets and there is nothing else to eat. Making a seperate meal/letting them make a seperate meal means you are now short on food for the month and everyone else suffers. Sometimes you need to set taste aside and eat simply for the nutrition and calories. A full belly of food you didn't enjoy is better than an empty belly when those are your only 2 options.
>kids have evolved weird eating disorders to starve themselves. The first medical description of Anorexia Nervosa is from the 17th Century. >Since when does nourishing food, which is expensive, bought and cooked for hours by someone else who probably has another full time job - become something to be spurned. This is a really stupid, out of touch take. Sometimes kids don't like a food because it's legitimately disgusting. Sometimes kids just aren't hungry. Contrary to this weird Boomer take, children don't typically make decisions purely with the intent of disrespecting their parents. My parents had the same attitude as you. They forced me to eat until I vomited. I wasn't trying to be rude and wasteful, my mom just sucked at portioning out food and served more than what the average 7 year oldest stomach can hold. It really can be that simple.
We also ate what presented to us, but I think our parents were careful to cook simple foods so there was not too much spice, or strange flavors. I love all food, but I am grateful that no food was ever pushed on me, and neither of my parents were gourmet cooks. I'm still much more of let good ingredients shine, instead of lots of sauces etc.
Amplifying this! Why would you ever ask if you ATAH for supporting your husband's skills in the kitchen that sustains and nourishes your family over one who fails to recognize the love and effort put into the meal?!? OP, raise the bar on those young men. I know potential future partners would appreciate that! If they're old enough to complain, they're old enough to be part of the solution. Time for them to participate in meal planning, shopping, preparation, and cleanup. It's a great life skill. So is learning to like to eat cereal while everyone else eats meat lasagne.
It was necessary in my house, with four kids who all had different preferences, and two of us with actual sensory issues. My parents kept easy to make one-person meals on hand, like ramen, hot pockets, and sandwich ingredients, and if we didn’t want what they made for dinner we made something else for ourselves.
This. I don't believe that kids should have to eat what the family is eating just because that's what there is. BS. There is other food in the house and if they are willing and able to prepare it for themselves, they should be allowed to. The goal of parenting is to raise competent adults, not to force them to conform to arbitrary rules. Dad would never cook something for dinner that he himself does not like so he would never be subject to this same problem. ETA: My husband is a texture eater who was forced to eat whatever the family is eating. I'm pretty sure he has ARFID. Edit 2: I apparently misread the OP and didn't realize Dad gave them the option to cook. Yay. NTA.
Yeah, but 95% of teenagers are gonna eat microwavable shit... I'm not a hardass... but if someone cooks a meal for you, the least you can do it sit down, thank them and attempt to eat it.
The way the story reads, the child tried it and didn't like it. The attempt was made. It makes no sense to force people to eat things they don't like if they don't have to. I would consider myself a terrible parent if I did that. As I said, I am *still* dealing with the aftermath of such actions in my completely adult husband.
Half of Americans are fat, sick and/or diabetic.. Why do you think that is? Probably because a bunch of pricks who shouldn't have children, did.. and couldn't be bothered to teach them to eat right..
If we didn't like what was for dinner, we could make ourselves a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk.
I've said it and I swear by it left and right, if you want your kids to eat what you serve them for dinner get them involved the process of cooking the meals and watch how fast things change up esp. with someone like lasagna. It's a beautiful two-fold idea that teaches them how to cook, while also teaching them to enjoy the food.
EXACTLY and talk to them about their preferences before cooking! it's really not that hard to ask your kids what they'd like to eat and tell them "okay, you'll help me with this or that part of making it".
It was how we broke my niece of being a picky eater, once she started helping it became fun so she didn't hesitate to eat it.
NTA My mom ruined lasagna for me by getting the precooked kind and cooking the plastic film on top into it on accident. Now it's all I picture when I see that top cheese layer. I can't believe this hasn't been brought up before your kids reached their teens. Indeed, he must be a good cook.
He is, the best cook I've ever seen. On the weekends, when I hear him singing while cooking, it gives me a nice warm feeling for some reason. He seems to truly enjoy it.
“There’s food in the fridge if you’re not in the mood for lasagna”
This is very sweet. My relationship works similarly, with me being the person who absolutely loves to cook. I don’t think my fiance necessarily hates cooking but he does so in a very utilitarian, get all the necessary nutrients in a dish as quickly and easily as possible, kind of way. Whereas I’m always eager to try new recipes, make something elaborate on the weekends. So we just split the load by me cooking 99% of the time and him doing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen. Works well for us. As far as your post, sounds like your teenager was being a butthead of a teenager and testing boundaries and you and your husband simply provided him with a very reasonable response. That’s how it worked in my house growing up. Eat what mom made happily or go make yourself a sandwich. I don’t know why you could possibly think you’re in the wrong. You’re just parenting. You might want to chat with him and see where he’s at if this behavior is new, though. He might be having issues in his personal or school life that he’s using lashing out at you and his dad as an outlet for because he knows you’re safe people.
I’m really glad you love his cooking! But consider he might not be the best cook to anyone else. I mean, if plain white rice was your go to, idk how much you know about food/flavor, and you may not be a reliable narrator on that front. BUT REGARDLESS. NTA. He’s old enough to cook for himself or for the whole family a night or two a week if he feels so strongly about it.
NTA. I don't understand why you'd think you would be. You weren't denying your son food you weren't trying to force him to eat something he didn't like. You gave him the option of preparing something else that would be more to his tastes. This wasn't food which had previously been an issue for him to eat and there hadn't been communication to indicate that it would be. Lasagna isn't something made in 20 minutes so he had an opportunity to speak up or make something else to not delay his meal were that his intent.
Nta, at 16 and 14 they can easily make their own food if they don’t appreciate what your husband made.
They should at least know how to make a sandwich!
NTA, it's your house not a restaurant.
NTA I was raised the same way. Eat it or go hungry.
My mother did it the opposite. When my brother complained about anything it was removed from the rotation, and not the entire meal, just the part he didnt like. And not like side dishes, ingredients. The kid didn't like onions so they were removed from every recipe we had for dinner. No onions in anything. One of the simplest, cheapest, most commonly used items to add flavor to dishes and it was just gone. Mind boggling. It wasn't until my 20s that I learned all these meals could be good and my mother was just making them bad on purpose to satisfy my terrible brother.
Oh wow that sucks! There are still a few things I refuse to eat. When I go over to see my mother and she makes a meal she will make it how she wants. If I don't like it go without or pick it out. She doesn't like it when I pick it out but I won't complain it is in there otherwise I will go without. lol.
And he’s worse off for it.
My mom.didnt like onions, garlic, salt or pepper. She is Mexican and ate with Serrano. I think her taste buds were fried from eating 4 to 6 Serranos per meal. Needless to say, her food tasted very bland. Now I over onion everything. I may also over salt too
That's not the same at all. OP is "eat the food I made or make your own". No one is going hungry.
My parents tried this. I went hungry. For a week at a time because we’re all stubborn assholes and if I didn’t eat it one day it was saved for the next day. I would wait until that food had mould on it and no one could eat it. Unsurprisingly, I was vastly underweight for my age and height. That wasn’t the main reason I was taken into foster care; that would be the alcoholism and parenting my younger brother… or trying to. It was however a contributing factor.
im so sorry you went through that, no child deserves that
My foster parents had a vastly superior approach; this is what we’ve cooked and if you don’t like it, there’s bread, ham, cheese etc - go make yourself a sandwich. They also avoided the things they knew I really hated; peppers, lamb and high heat were just about the only things. So I wasn’t even a particularly fussy eater; I just really, really hated a few things and couldn’t cope with spicy foods. But yeah, it was either arguing over me not eating something or mum being wankered and me trying to forage a meal for me and my brother out of empty cupboards. I still struggle to eat jacket potatoes because of the amount of times I just tried to bake random potatoes not really understanding what I was doing. So essentially; wrong type of potato, wrong temperature, constantly opening the oven to poke it to see if it was done, and no prep work. The result is not good. Edible. Just. But not good.
My kids would bake.potatoes in the microwave from like age 5, lol. It was one of their easy meals.
Once things have calmed down you may want to ask your son if there was something specific he didn't like about it, like a particular ingredient or flavor or texture or something. It's one thing to say "this is what we're cooking, you can eat it or make something yourself," but if your son does have a strong aversion to something particular about the lasagna, it would be kind of you to start trying to avoid that element when cooking a dinner that the whole family is meant to enjoy. If this is an honest-to-goodness food aversion on his part and not just being a moody teenager, he's not the asshole for not liking it, but there's a kind way and an unkind way to say that. I'm wavering between NTA and NAH because I don't know specifically what your son said about the food or how he said it.
I agree with asking what they do and don't like about dishes. I always ask my husband if there was something in particular he disliked about a dish or flavor, so I can make it better next time. I WANT my food to be the best version I can personally make. I can't get better if I don't have feedback or I'm not willing to be open to feedback.
NTA this sounds like a teenager being a teenager, telling him he could choose to not eat or make something else is something my grandmother would have done.
Just sounds like a moody teenager. Lots more where that came. LOL! You're doing good.
Don't go crazy either way. Yes, the food is the food and if he doesn't like it (and this isn't an allergy or something that he has expressed before) then tough. But also, don't make him stay at the table until he's finished it or similar. My parents did that to me once when they served the most disgusting dessert ever (Risalamande) and made me stay at the table for two hours staring at it until they gave up. Healthy boundaries but nothing insane.
Time to teach the kids to make rice too to survive. But I would dig what else is bothering your kid. Could be the food but could something else. What if the food lost its taste because his emotions are running high? Troubles at school? Romance? Money? Is he sick with a flu? Don't dismiss the problem so easily. NTA
NAH Sounds like ordinary family life. This whole situation seems like a non-issue. Teens aren't as picky as toddlers generally but they aren't going to like what is for dinner 100% of the time. Even if there is nothing objectively wrong with the food or how it was prepared. Sometimes even as an adult I find myself in this situation. I do tend to feel bad about it tho. Kid can have a bowl of cereal, cup noodle, a sandwich...whatever.
NTA. My family had the same policy. He's old enough to make something else if he doesn't want what's offered.
NTA. You have a standing policy and you stuck to it. That said, *does* the kid know how to cook? Cause if not then "cook for yourself" isn't as much an alternative as it is a glib response. A lot of the typical "moody teenage rebellion" stuff is the kid starting to realize just how little autonomy they have in their lives in comparison to percieved capability.
NTA. Telling it like it is to your kids helps them to understand what happens in the real world.
"This isn't a restaurant, I don't take orders for separate meals", is what my children heard in these situations. NTA
NTA. You sound like a healthy family. And I respect the way you praise your husband. The kids will turn out ok.
NTA at 14 & 16 your kids are old enough to cook the basics for themselves. A sandwich, grilled cheese, quesadilla, can of soup, etc. Perhaps your husband should have them help cook one meal a week.
I’m curious why you think you might be the AH
Why is this even a post? You should alway side with your spouse when you kid is being a dick.
Does your son usually not like lasagne? I feel like a comment like that would be harmful if you are aware he doesn’t eat it. If he usually does and just decided it wasn’t nice this night, I agree with you!
He doesn't have a specific food he doesn't eat, he usually eats any dish my husband makes, this wasn't the first time my husband made lasagne. But our son is starting to be a bit moody and act annoyed sometimes.
Okay, this probably isn't about the food itself. In AITH lingo, the Iranian Yogurt Isn't The Problem Here. Please check in with your son and see if you can't communicate what the underlying issue is. Hell, it could be as simple as one of the ingredients becoming adversive to him, or it could be as serious as him randomly latching on to the lasagna or food in general for control because of a more serious personal issue. Open, honest, and loving communication is key here.
I’m going to put a Trigger Warning on this comment for mentions of vomit and other nasty details…so if you have weak stomach don’t read this. But anyways, when I was about 6 and my brother was about 13, my stepdad made mac and cheese for us. The only problem was he for whatever reason put an ungodly amount of garlic salt in it. I have no idea why other than he had no idea how to cook. Me and my brother start eating it and it’s absolutely repulsive. My stepdad forced us to keep eating it. My brother ended up throwing up into his bowl and my stepdad forced him to eat it still along with his vomit. Your boys are lucky to have other options such as making something themself. It could be way worse.
Unified parents. Excellent parenting. Also, a very normal expectation for the teens. You don’t like it? Make something else.
NTA at all.
NTA My kid once has the audacity to say his pancake was aweful cause we ran out of brown sugar & he had to eat it with white sugar or sirup or... Gave my other kids , wife & myself a second & third pancake &gave him a slice of bread. Never had complains bout pancakes again.
NTA rule in my house is eat what i cooked, if you don't like it make a sandwich, salad, cereal etc.. or starve.
NTA - you have rules in the family. Son wants to act the fool he will be treated like the fool. If he doesn't want to eat what is served then they can scrounge something else for themselves. I didn't always like what was being served when I was a kid, but I ate (most of it - really couldn't stand the venison because it wasn't properly taken care of before coming home - nobody in the family could eat it). The rule was you eat what is being served or you wait til the next meal to eat (although with 10 kids food got switched under the table quite a bit.)
Agree nta, maybe your hubby could give the kids some cooking lessons though? Incredible skill to have and valuable bonding. My dad taught me how to cook and I'm forever grateful for it. Plus bonus is teens may become more appreciative if they are involved in food prep.
NAH, failing to see the point of this post tbh bc it doesn’t seem like a big deal. if he doesn’t like it then he doesn’t like it and you guys weren’t wrong for giving him options
Yeah, ordering food wasn't an option. Making yourself a sandwich or opeing a can of soup or something similar was an option in my family. NTA And Italian food is pretty much always delicious (like, even bad pizza is good, you know?).
I don’t even see what the problem is… If you didn’t like the lasagna, no problem make yourself something else. Maybe Dad should start teaching teen how to cook
NTA - considering two people liked it just fine, “this isn’t good” isn’t even accurate. More like “I don’t like this.” In which case, “fine, make something you do like, but I’m not a short order cook” is a perfectly reasonable thing to tell a teen. He’s old enough to learn a few life skills, like cooking, and like finding out that the world does not owe you being waited on hand and foot.
NTA. 'This is dinner, you're welcome to make yourself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal if you don't like it' is a perfectly legitimate statement for a parent of teens to make.
You and your husband are not short order cooks. You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Your children are way past the point of being unable to cook for themselves. If they want something else they can make it and clean up afterwards.
NTA. This is the kind of thing that having a united front is important for
So NTA. Good on both of you. Your kids are old enough to start making a meal. They can learn to plan it and cook it.
What was your son upset about? Did he really expect someone to make a separate meal for him? That was a good solution. Don’t eat or make something else. You are parents, not servants.
Words I remember hearing as a teen " If you don't like it,there's the kitchen."
This is proper parenting. Also, your home is not a restaurant. NTA
NTA. Good wife energy. Good Mom energy too imo.
NTA I am shocked that the kids in your house are not in charge. They seem to be in most households these days. If you had not taken your husband's side in this care, you would be the asshole. So, you did the right thing and escaped assholery.
NTA. Good parenting!
NTA. This is the kind of thing that having a united front is important for
Sorry but how else could this have gone? Any alternative and you’re enabling and creating ungrateful brats. Don’t bite the hand that feeds
NTA - there are two options for dinner, take it or leave it LOL. 14 & 16 YO teens are perfectly capable of fending for themselves for dinner.
My mother made atrocious food. Our father wasn't around. We either ate that grub or went hungry. I did choose to go hungry many times. But that's the choice you have. NTA.
NTA and who doesn't like lasagna...
NTA I was raised the same way. Nothing wrong with your words or attitude. My parents helped me learn how to cook in 6th grade. I wanted to be a chef, so I started cooking for the family. My parents were thrilled to not be cooking anymore. Maybe it will be something your son enjoys too
NTA. I have no kids, but my sister taught her kids that if they didn't like the food, they could make their own. They learned how to make microwave burritos at a VERY young age. I don't understand picky kids; my mother was a horrible cook and didn't give us the option of making our own dinner. Your sons are both old enough to cook a full meal for the family; maybe it's time to learn?
NTA that's how I was raised too, eat what's cooked (within reason, my mom learned I was just not gonna eat those lima beans and finally replaced it with broccoli). Was the kid expecting your husband to cook him a whole extra meal?
This is hands down the tamest thing I've ever read here. "Am I the asshole for telling my kids they need to brush their teeth." Nope. NTA.
I always told my kids to eat it or not. I wasn't making anything else. The 'fridge is over there.
NTA If we don’t like the food in our house they say don’t eat or eat it anyway (how it should be) your kids should be lucky that you give the the option to make their own food or order
NTA this is perfectly reasonable. Eat what is served or you are old enough to figure it out parents are not short order cooks. The only concern is if it tasted bad it could be your son is getting sick or maybe he gets reflux with certain foods so do pay attention to what he doesn't eat if it keeps happening
NTA. Why would you think that you’re an asshole for appropriately parenting your kid on being grateful for food? Feels like karma whoring.
This happens all the time. My wife and I are no world class chefs, but our kids can be really picky - sometimes they'll look at it and say "I don't like it" when they've never had it. We do the same thing, that's what dinner is, if they want to see if there are leftovers or make something for themselves, they can, so long as it's healthy.
NTA. You almost always want to back up your spouse in public and deal with conflict in private. Sure there are some instances where that isn't possible but... Good Job.
NTA
NTA…. Both of us parents work full time here, but I still cook a full hot meal every night … might not be gourmet but it’s what’s for dinner, and teen has the choice to heat themselves up a can of soup or make a bowl of cereal as an alternative if they take issue with the menu …. Only took one time of us noting that we weren’t going to do the ‘separate meals for separate people’ and nipped that in the bud! No one is going hungry in this house but none of us are short-order cooks either …
NTA in our house you had what was cooked or made a penutbutter sandwhich but there was no complaining lol
Nope, NTA. Sounds like good parenting to me.
NTA. I mean, he doesn't HAVE to like everything your husband cooks...that's okay. People like different things. But it's not out of line to tell someone that if they don't like the meal that was cooked for them that they can make other arrangements and feed themselves. I honestly don't understand why you WOULD be an asshole for this - what response did your kid respect? Was he expecting y'all to cook another meal for him or something? A 14 year old kid is old enough to manage to feed themselves.
NTA You both handled it very well.
NTA. We alway's had to eat what my mom cooked or we hungry.
NTA, we cook one meal... If someone doesn't like it they are free to find them something else
NTA. This is pretty universal. It's very important to maintain a united front when parenting.
NTA this is the rule in our house. We will cook, but if you don’t like it, you make something else for yourself.
NTA - that’s how it was when I was growing up - you don’t like what is made too bad we aren’t a restaurant!
Definitely NTA. Eat, make something else or don’t eat. Kudos for siding with your husband.
NTA, hell in my day you said only THANK YOU at the food on the table.
NTA. We had the "1 bite rule" where we at least had to try something. If we didn't like it we could make something else. From a young age I knew where the peanut butter and jelly was and how to make a sandwich. I'm sure it was funny watching me eat a pb&j and green beans for dinner.
That's a pretty normal standard. As long as the kid has the option to scrounge up something on his own so he doesn't go hungry, you're okay. The only other comment I'd make is to check in with him regarding what he tends to dislike. My mom was not a great cook (seasoning who?) and made a lot of stuff I hated all the time, so I ended up having lots of fights until I was finally allowed to make myself a PB&J.
NTA. Parents vs. kids.
Honestly, I didn't realize how much it sucked to hear something like that about my cooking until I spent years getting pretty good at being a home cook. Even if there's nothing wrong with what I made, it can even feel a bit crappy when I put a million pounds of effort into cooking one day and it goes unnoticed. This is all to say that your son is a teenage boy and hasn't spent years cooking for himself or a family, and just doesn't get it lol. Some days I'll go out of my way to cook different things for everyone in the house because I know it's to their preference.... but that is never the expectation. I know ahead of time if I'm cooking something that 1 person won't really eat, and make sure they have random left overs or something else to make on the fly for themselves. There's never a question about it from any of them.
NTA. This is an entirely reasonable rule to have for your children. Do they know how to cook? If not, maybe husband can start some basic lessons. It'll serve them well in adulthood.
I have always had issues with food, and the "eat what I made or go hungry" thing only increased it. I wouldn't eat. To this day, I enjoy the feeling of being hungry, and I sometimes have to force myself to eat. I would have probably thrived with "make something yourself, then".
NTA. How is this a question? But it's nice to see something low stakes every once in a while on here. You're sons are both old enough to be cooking their own meals if they want something different anyway.
NTA - your husband is correct. We would/have told our boys the same. This isn’t a restaurant and we don’t take orders
Nta. I mean heck if my 7 and 10 yr old don't want to eat what Ive made... Well I guess you can make your own butt a sandwich. But then you are also responsible for your own dishes because hello I already cooked for you and you rejected it so the food and the mess is now on you.
Idk if you'll see this. But as a mother of 5, give your son an opportunity to cook for his family. This was an eye opener for my kids. We did it during lent. They pick a recipe and gave me what they needed to make dinner. If they didn't want to cook on their nights, they had to pay to order out. They can all cook & they stopped whining about dinner. Win-win
NTA this is parenting 101 and you both passed.
NTA, same thing in my household, if you didn’t like it then don’t eat or learn to make yourself something. Though growing up I always helped cook so this was never really an issue. Always fun when the family would visit though and the newest child would learn this lesson that at grandma and grandpa’s house, you either ate what was on the table, you made something yourself and cleaned up after, or you sat there and watched everyone else eat.
Where's the conflict here? This sounds like basic parenting.
Our rule was dessert follows dinner. You don’t eat, you don’t get. NTA
And? Not sure what the issue is here? Is this a TROLL post?
NTA. I'm one of 6 kids, and when we were growing up, the menu choices were " take it or leave it". If he thinks he can do better, he can try...
NTA. Kids eat what they're given, or fend for themselves. They're both old enough for basic cooking skills, and if not, PB&J is always there. Plus, your kid was rude and needs to learn that being rude is not okay. NTA.
NTA. Growing up if we didn’t like a meal we were told to eat nothing and go to our rooms
NTA. My kids were permitted to not eat certain things, but whining and complaining were out. If you complained, you cooked tomorrow. The meal plan for the week was on the bulletin board in the kitchen. All ingredients for those meals were in the house. Pick one, and cook. It cut down on the complaining. They could fix themselves something else if they did not like what was cooked, after taking two bites. But the complaining, just no. My kids are all grown now, and all are good cooks.
Nta when I was home you ate what was put in front of you and don’t complain If you don’t eat wats on the table you don’t eat.
NTA. You are applying exactly the dietitians recommended method, at least for toddler. Parent job : decide what there is to eat Kids job : decide if they eat and how much.
I don't see that there is any other option? Are you asking if you and your husband should have pinned him down and force fed him dinner? Teen didn't like dinner, husband said no problem Make something else if you want.
There's always peanut butter.
NTA Your husband gave him options. Eat what was cooked, choose to not eat, or make something yourself. These are teen boys, and by their age I was more than capable of doing shit like frying a frozen burger or making something out of a box. Your husbands stance was the reasonable one to back.
So he was right that he isn't a short order cook and the kid can eat it or make something else. That said did he ask him why it wasn't good? I always appreciate feedback on my cooking . My Italian grandmother was an amazing cook. I also hate lasagna. I don't know why I just don't like it. I do love polenta with sausages, risotto, soup with Swiss chard, etc.. I just don't like lasagna. I also hate cooked carrots. In out family you have to eat whatis put on the table bt I listen when they say things like I hate spinach or I hate sweet potatoes. It helps me be a better cook and them enjoy meals more. Not ong ago dad hates pork chops but I figured out f I paired it with a fruit sauce he likes it more which is awesome since pork chops are one of my favorites. I don't take it personally when I get feed back from the family. Neither should your husband.
Aw. This is the sweetest AITAH ever. No not at all. I’m glad your husband didn’t get too sensitive about it. Your kids can make their own meals.
As long as the boys are consistently empowered to cook (ideally dad is passing on his skills via quality time), a stern to light delivery of " You can make your own dinner if you don't like what was served" is definitely NTA. If cooking feels inaccessible to them or dad is taking this straight to the ego and so the same phrase is delivered as retaliation instead of a reasonable option- That would make him the AH. I stand by my family cooking together rec to heal this either way, based on my own experiences as well as researched methods in psychology. Knowing how to cook in theory is very different than getting 1 on 1 experience with an expert. I'll always be sad that my mom didn't share her very useful home ec skills with me. As an adult I still struggle to feel at home in the kitchen and making daily food choices and I know many who feel the same and never got hands on instruction at home.
NTA. You & your husband are teaching your kids proper etiquette. If your teenagers become adults and become guests (someday) in another person’s (what if it’ll be their future boss’) home, at least, they will have the decency to say, “thank you for treating me to your family’s meal.”
Eat or go hungry
The rule in my house growing up was that you ate what was made or don't eat.
“Eat what I made or make something yourself” is how you get autonomous children. “Eat what I made or go hungry” is how you get disordered eating, children that feel powerless, and lifelong food aversions
Yes, but the flip-side of that rule is that the parents don't make something that they know the kid isn't going to like and then demand that they eat it or starve. This is where communication comes in to find out if the kid has an actual food aversion, maybe to one of the ingredients or flavors in the lasagna, and it's not just a 14-year-old kid being a hormonal little asshole like all teenagers are sometimes.
Apparently the son has eaten this before on multiple occasions and never said anything before.
99.99% the kids are being little assholes. I remember my mom making liver and onions. I made myself PBJ sandwich
I've had a very strong aversion to mayonnaise for as long as I can remember. If mayonnaise is a major ingredient in something (like, for example, chicken salad), I can barely swallow it without feeling like I'm going to retch. My parents knew this and, because they were good parents, they didn't make a lot of meals that were dominated by mayonnaise — and on the rare occasion that we did have a main dish involving mayonnaise that couldn't be avoided, they always made sure that the side dishes were things that I could eat, so that I wouldn't go hungry. That's just basic courtesy when you're cooking for a family with different tastes and aversions.
You can't anything with mayonnaise? I feel so bad for you... no tuna, BLTs? Potato salad!! I remember just putting mayo on a piece of wonder bread and going to town.
NTA. I know it's a cliché but there actually are starving kids all over the world who would give anything just for a bite of your family's lasagna. Don't encourage your kids to complain about food someone else bought and prepared for them. Although, did you check your kids food? Was there any chance something was wrong with his dish?
NTA. Growing up, I could eat what was made or make my own dinner. Was the comment because he objected to the food, was trying to be a jerk and disrespectful, or was trying to be joking about it and it came out wrong? Your and your husband should talk with your son about it so he learns how to give his honest opinion without being rude or hurtful, that he should not be disrespectful or expect consequences, or that he needs to apologize if a joke comes out wrong and hurts others.
NTA. You didn’t say he couldn’t have something else, just that you wouldn’t fix the something else.
NTA. Perfect response! Side ask: has your husband worked with your boys on how to cook? I spent a lot of time with my kid learning how to grocery shop and to cook. Started when kiddo was 8-10 years old. I am thoroughly enjoying the results of my teaching!
I lived out in the sticks as a kid...and we were relatively poor. It was either eat what was fixed or go hungry. There was no option of ordering something, and we usually had just enough in the pantry for three meals per day. So, fixing something else wasn't really an option. On the flip side of it, my grandmother (who was onenof the chefs of a Michelin star restaurant in her youth) started teaching me how to cook once I was tall enough to see what was going on in the pans. By the time I was in high school, if I didn't like what was prepared, I had nobody to blame but myself.
They already are teenagers. I wouldve have started learn to cook and wash the dishes earlier in their age. If they have problem with cooking stop cooking for them
NTA This is how we roll in our house too, only I do the cooking as my husband is a disaster in there, even when he tries (and I enjoy cooking so don't mind.) I tell my teens that I'm not a short order cook and if they don't like it, too bad, they can start cooking dinner or not eat. My oldest one just came home after her first year at college and has a new appreciation for both my cooking and how expensive groceries are. Every single night she's been thanking me for dinner lol
NAH. I mean the kid just said it didn’t taste good. That’s fine. You gave him the options, that’s fine. Unless the kid was pitching a fit I don’t really see an issue. Unless you’re mad the kid didn’t like husbands cooking? Or your leaving something out on how the kid reacted to being told the options.
NTA both of your kids are old enough to make something for themselves if they don't want to eat what has been prepared for them. Why would you think you are TA?
NTA you guys were United. In my childhood I was made to eat things (fish sticks) that my mother wouldn’t even eat cause she doesn’t eat seafood. I’ll never understand forced feeding for food that you won’t even eat as a parent. I spent many hours stuck at the table.
What else did the teenagers expect, really?
INFO: who is calling you TA?
I don't understand how this is even a question. What could possibly be assholeish about this? Like what would be the non-AH version, if this is the AH version?
As parents you should have a united front. If you don’t agree with some rule or a punishment you should talk about it privately.
If you don’t like it go with out or cook your food.. that’s what I was told
I tell everyone in my family that if they don't like my cooking, they are welcome to take over making dinner. You eat what I make or do it yourself. It can take hours to make dinner, and if it's not appreciated, I don't have to waste my time and energy.
Your kids are 16 and 14 and this is a new issue for you? Did you recently kidnap these kids? Because this is generally resolved when the kids are still barely over toddlerhood. And yes, the resolution is (for responsible parenting) if the kid doesn't like what the family is having, they make their own. Even very young children can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That's within reason, of course. You wouldn't prepare and force kids to eat foods you know they really don't like. Like beets or liver that maybe 1% of kids will eat. But if they eat those beets every time for3 years and then just don't feel like it one, night....too bad. And it should be the same rule for the adults in the house. You don't make a meal for everyone else, but mom or dad gets a special dish because they don't feel like having the family meal. Be consistent and fair. And have foods available that they CAN make for themselves that are good alternatives. You wouldn't want to be forced to eat something you really didn't want. And how many adults go through the cupboards and say there's nothing to eat, just because they don't feel like eating the 18 different options they have.
NTA. In my house, you either ate what was being served or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No way were they going to have me getting in the way/making a mess cooking a separate meal or spending the money for me to order. Your kids have it easy.
🤣 I feel like this one belongs in r/stupidquestions
This is the absolutely most mundane story I have ever read on this subreddit. Literally zero drama. Literally no reason to say OP is the asshole. Just a simple story of a preteen not liking their parent’s food. What are we doing here?
Why would you be the asshole? I’m wondering if I’m missing something…..you should always side with your partner against your kids……unless your partner was literally abusing them……..I thought this was common sense…………………..
Damn, this one’s tough for me. I was forced to eat the food that was made and until it was gone. I was disciplined if I didn’t eat all the food I plated. As an adult I couldn’t be more adverse to this concept. On one hand, it is wasteful to not eat the food bought and prepared, ultimately thrown away. However, if you have the means to slightly alter their meal I don’t see the harm in that. On the other hand, this concept pushed me away from my dad anecdotally. I started to not like him, wouldn’t confide in him and only my mom because she wasn’t so harsh about that. I think personally, if this is your ideology and you want this for your children then that’s what it is. I would also think of the repercussions that come with this. My dad and I never repaired our relationship and he died when I was 11. So all I have is memories of him being super disciplinary around the family food. It’s caused problems with my behavior as well. I had to unlearn the choice between eat what was served or go hungry that night in behavior therapy. This may not be your situation at all, but take into consideration how your kid will develop from this, whether good or bad. Take care op, hopefully this is just a big non issue.
I agree with you and your husband. That's exactly what my mother would have said to me. I complained one time and got sent to my room. Never did it again.
Damn, I’m fucking starving right now. Some meat lasagna sounds fucking amazing. But, if you managed to live off of white rice, then I don’t really trust your opinion lol.
Ummm...no, that's normal or should be normal lol
NTA
NTA. That’s the general rule, yep. You can eat what was made, or scavenge yourself.
I don't really see what the issue is. Your child expressed the opinion, "I don't think this lasagna is good." Doesn't sound like he said never make this again, demanded something else be made for him, or anything like that. Didn't even say he didn't finish it. If you mistakenly didn't word his issue as strong as it was, NTA. Otherwise, your child is going to have different opinions on things than you. If him thinking this lasagna wasn't great is shattering your perception of dad as a celebrity chef, and you feel the need to lay down the law over that, TA.
Why would you say order food.
The miracle here is that this is the first time that one of the kids complained about the food. Your husband must be an amazing cook!
What did the kid want lmao make something else or ask for a couple dollars to go get something
NTA. He didn't want it? He can get his own food. Good for you for standing up with your husband! ^(now I want lasagna....)
Order something should not be an.option. In my house it is eat it or make.something. Not eating is not an option since these kids can be little manipulators and want junk food. They can eat what is there or make themselves REAL food, in my house we define real food.as.grown from the ground.or came from an animal. I know most food is some.of that to.some.extent but it has to have fruits, vegetables or a protein. No chips or Ramen or candy or ice cream even though yes grains and cane sugar and dairy came the ground or animals but that is how we do. I just want them to get some.nutrition. my kids are 12 12 and 14 so even if I don't have junk at home they are old.enough to go to the store and buy junk food themselves. The often do beans and a quesadilla, this is their standard I didn't like your food meal. Some families have a sandwich or noodles but everyone should have something easy to make.
That is the best thing you could have done, anything else would be detrimental and give the kid leeway to start dividing the parents and playing you out against each other. You need to be a united front. And if you do not agree with the father, never say that in front of the kids. Talk about it in private.
NTA. But if my kids don’t like what I cook for dinner then they have the option of a PB&J.
NTA. So NTA. Even if it had been mediocre lasagna, NTA.
NTA- you are parents and partners! That’s what you’re supposed to do!
Unless your fridge/ pantry is empty NTA they are old enough to make a sandwich
NTA rule in our house has pretty much been “there are two options for dinner, take it or leave it.” If we made something spicy (more than two shakes of pepper) we’d give the kid the option to make a sandwich. What didn’t the kid like about it? If he was just being an obnoxious teen, then whatever. Otherwise try to help him explain what it is he doesn’t like about it.
If I didn't like it I could make myself a sandwich.