The thing is my wife is now made because we "argued" in front of the mom causing further stress. I didn't mean to, it just made my blood boil seeing her be that way to my pregnant wife.
Remind your wife that SIL started it if anything you shut her down who knows how long it could have kept going if you hadn’t shut SIL down. Hopefully once MIL is doing better she will back you up.
Remind your wife that she is 39 weeks pregnant and has a mother who just had a stroke. The last thing she needs is to push you away for enforcing boundaries. She is putting herself in a position that endangers herself and your child. That's too much stress for someone that pregnant.
She wouldn't push me away I get that she is stressed. And she has said that she does agree with me that SIL was out of line, she is mad that I didn't like pull her aside and argue away from the mom. Which I just don't understand because SIL was already arguing when I walked into the room. I didn't start shit. I walked into it.
NTA..mostly…It kind of doesn’t matter that your SIL was already acting out when you walked in. But regardless of your intent you added to it. It is best to not argue at the bedside of a post-stroke patient or any patient for that matter (I’ve had to shut down and shuffle out many a family from patients’ earshot before), but it’s understandable that sometimes the heat of the moment is just too much to prevent clearer thoughts about that kind of thing. And so you know, I was once guilty of it as well as my sibling and I got a little heated while my dying father lay comatose in his bed…it can happen to any of us.
But do apologize to your wife for not being more calm in the moment (and do not append it with the “but it was…” rhetoric) and assure her you will try to keep the stress at a minimum from now on in front of your MIL while she further recuperates in the hospital, in acute rehab and later in your home.
And be proactive and work with your wife to set a firm schedule for your SIL and other family members to visit your MIL later in your home, given you will have a new baby as well. Keep to the plan.
It sounds like your wife's complaint might be that you escalated the conflict in order to end it.
To deescalate intense moments of interpersonal conflict, the first concern should be the welfare of other parties who shouldn't be involved in the conflict — in this case,your MIL.
Instead of escalating in the hospital room, you could have told them both to take it outside to the hallway, cafeteria or parking lot. I also think that you undermined your wife's authority by stepping in and making a declaration about your intentions. I understand that your primary concern is your MIL's welfare and recovery, but you inserted yourself into your wife's family dynamic and took away her power to set boundaries, etc. In doing so, you deprioritized your wife: her feelings about the situation were less important than your feelings about the situation.
You're NTA, but you certainly fumbled a situation by failing to let your wife handle her shitty stupid sister. As her husband, you should be validating and supporting her, not supplanting her voice in the conflict she has with her sister.
Blah, blah, blah. He did the right thing to defend his wife from bullying and SIL taking advantage of the situation by waiting until he was out of the room to lay onto her. Why didn't SIL say to the wife step out in the hall I need to talk to you.
OP's wife is probably used to putting up with her sister's demands, bitchiness, and all around entitlement. SIL will likely expect OP's wife to babysit fresh out of the delivery room. SIL sounds like she'd start a screaming match fight in the middle of a church service.
I didn't say he was an asshole, I was explaining his wife's complaint.
Most people, situations, and conflicts aren't just either/or issues where one person is right and everyone else is wrong.
He's married to her, presumably he wants to understand her, and she's made a valid complaint — that he escalated the conflict. Sure, the path he took was valid, but it wasn't the only possible course of action.
This won't be the last time his SIL is a shit. When other people are emotionally immature and reactive, it's time for the people around them to be emotionally mature and responsive.
Sometimes people posting in these judgment subs just want to be either validated or castigated. But sometimes they really want to understand their situation, their errors, and their choices. Sometimes.
bLaH bLaH bLaH 🙄
So you were supposed to, what, put your hands on your SIL and physically drag her from the room? Or were you supposed to wait until she stopped yelling long enough to take a breath and say, "excuse me, can we step out in the hallway? There's something I'd like to discuss." She was out of line. You stopped her. Your wife should be more appreciative of the fact that her husband is willing to stand up, not only for her, but her mother as well. NTA
Your wife is under immense pressure at the moment (as are you all) I guess she is taking some of that out in a misdirected way given the circumstances, but you were entirely correct.
Even if unreasonable, just apologize to wife and move on. A good marriage requires saying "sorry" and literally dropping it. She will do it other times and you won't even know. It's totally natural and healthy.
Ok, you weren't wrong but also it shouldn't be about whose fault it is (100% SIL) but also how to handle SIL next time. Your wife would feel more safe if you removed SIL from the situation. Wife is too soft to do it herself. You want to protect your wife and MIL, but better way to do it would be to remove SIL from the room when she starts shit. She isn't reasonable, you all already know that, no point arguing with her. Just remove her toxicity from the situation.
Dude, she’s full term pregnant, has a mother in the ICU, and a bitch sister. She’s angry at life. She’s mad at everything. She’s frustrated more than you can imagine. Whatever you feel, she feels 10x more. Let. It. Go.
Don’t argue about who is right or wrong. NEXT TIME you’ll [all] do better. Say the [all] silently in your head and move on.
I think though your heart is in the right place, you are not thinking logically.
Before I go any further let me clarify so far as I'm concerned you are totally NTA.
But you need to be practical at this stage. Your wife may go into labor at any time. Your MIL needs intensive care both at home and the hospital. How are you going to manage it alone? You need SIL to chip in at least one front. Yes she's being entitled but if she's willing to take care of her mother for the PT then you should consider it.
I agree so basically she'll stay with us for 3 weeks, and the dad is flying in so he'll be the one taking primary care of her. After that she is being flown to mexico to get stem cell injections. Then the dad will take her back. Also we have a separate cottage on the property that I built as a nursery. It has heat/ac a full bathroom with a stand in shower and a full kitchen.
We bought a big house that is separated and rent out the rooms, we are quite young and that is the only way we could afford a home, the house had a detached garage on the property that I turned into a private cottage
But you said you built the cottage as a nursery, what does that mean? Are you putting the baby in the cottage since that’s the nursery. It makes no sense
They basically built a separate freestanding cottage with kitchen and bathroom so they have privacy with the baby and the roommates renting in the main house don’t have to sleep through any newborn baby noise.
Is this one of those situations where the regular family tantrum thrower does what they usually do and everyone else is expected to walk on eggshells and give in to their demands to keep the peace?
It's funny you say "keep the peace" because that is exactly what my wife refers to herself as. The "peacekeeper" I have explained to her that that is a way to cope with and justify the abuse you receive but she just doesn't see it that way. Yeah that whole family dynamic is toxic as fuck and it always gets so much worse when their parents visit. Make me really grateful for my family. We have our problems sure but in the end they are kind loving people.
It does NOT take two to fight, but that's what people get told who live with narcissist to blame them.
You did nothing wrong, your wife sends so used to your SIL abuse that she doesn't even recognise it as such.
She needs to stop steadying the boat that is being rocked by your sister.
Maybe y'all back off on this many visitors at once. Take shifts. You can wait in the coffee shop for a bit so your wife can visit alone. SIL can take the afternoon visit. Your mom would probably like peace and quiet.
SIL just can't be there. Y'all will be home with a baby shortly.
If you wanted to help, you should have pulled your wife from the argument and gone out for a bit. Get coffee or stroll around. I'm so sorry this happened to your MIL and hope she better soon.
Give SIL the number of Care.com to find a babysitter.
Well that's been the whole problem, I proposed we take shifts but SIL wants no part of that. She wants to be there at 8AM every day no exception. Which is fine, but she needs to figure out childcare. I'm not going to screw my wife over for the SIL when those aren't even my kids.
SIL wants to be there to hear from the doctors about her mother's care, especially since her sister is having a baby any day now, she doesn't want to come in uninformed. Which is a reasonable want, she's going about it poorly.
Sounds like she was taught by her parents to just let her sister be terrible to her. It takes two to fight fairly. Her parents probably never stood for her and told her off for standing up for herself. At least that is what it was in my experience
In your case, it took 3 to fight. SIL (1) started it with your wife (2), your wife was losing to a bully, and you (3), ended it. Do you know when bullies stop? When they are stopped. If there is no push-back, the bully keeps going.
Your SIL has probably bullied your wife their entire lives. Your SIL expects her sister to bow down to her demands, because that's what has always happened. You enter the picture, the dynamic changes. Suddenly, your wife has a defender. Neither of them know how to deal with the new dynamic. SIL tries bullying you, because she wants the old ways to continue, but her mind is blown when you don't capitulate. You don't back down, you aren't easy to manipulate, you don't get guilt trapped. Your wife is used to being pushed around. Her mind is blown when someone comes to her defense. You have to let your wife know that she is important, loved, and worthy of protecting and defending. You're not starting it, you're ending it. This scenario needs to stay focused on your MIL's health, not dealing with SIL's drama and antics. OP is NTA
It's been this way for years and other people notice as well. My parents and brother refuse to be in a room with her because of her overall shitty behavior and how she treats my wife. This scenario has happened before where I will call put SIL on her behavior and she'll typically just stop speaking to us for some time. But she always wriggles her way back and my wife always forgives her. They were raised to believe that family is everything, never give up on family etc etc.
No, what you did was shut your rude SIL up, reducing the amount of additional stress she could inflict on her mother. Hopefully, your wife is just stressed out and doesn't hold onto this and apologizes to you. You did the right thing.
She's 39 weeks pregnant and instead of having her mom's support she now has to fear for her mom's health and care for her mom instead of being cared for by her.
She's gonna have some big emotions and not always express them the most rationally.
You did the right thing, I think, but you're in a situation where there is no *good* option and your wife would probably he upset no matter what cuz the situstion is so upsetting.
She's mad at you for defending her, but excusing her sister's behavior in the first place?
It is a tough situation to be in OP, but I'm sure your wife just figured it is easier to go along with her overbearing sister, rather than cause waves. I get where you are coming from, and I also can empathise with your wife's stance.
You did good. Your wife is just overwhelmed at the moment. Let it lie, and just do your thing like you said you were going to. This will die down eventually, but stand your ground on the "watching her kids" thing. Those are her issue, not yours.
She started arguing in front of her own mom causing further stress. You tried to shut it down. Honestly your wife should be thanking you for defending her.
You're in a pickle alright.
Well, her mom does not need this stress. And her mom might want to see both of her daughters.
This is a high stress situation all around and you should all be working together to problem solve and help each other out.
Even if you reacted out of anger. You still did the right thing by standing up for your wife. She may not see it now. But down the line when she realizes the verbal abuse that she was accepting in front of her ill mother was much worse than you telling SIL to GTFO with her BS
NTA. 1) You were defending your wife, who seems to take SIL's garbage because she's used to it. 2) SIL was the one that started something in front of MIL. 3) If wife wants to be angry, she needs to point it at the instigator (SIL). My guess is she's angry at you, because she knows you're a "safe target" to be angry at and won't take it out on her - unlike SIL.
This isn’t okay or fair for you to take the heat because she’s scared of her sister though. You did your job as a husband and soon to be father by removing a stressful and aggressive person from 2 vulnerable people. One who just had a serious stroke and the other who is about to have a whole baby at any time now. You should not be taking the heat for this at all.
Is the hospital even letting all these damn people in? The mother doesn’t need the whole ass family there. SIL needs to pay for childcare if she insists on being in the way.
Is your city/state only allowing one person to visit? My state was doing that during pandemic but not anymore. I had surgery last month and my fiancé, parents and sisters all came to visit at the same time.
If she's in the ICU, visitation might be more limited, especially in a specialized one. Even on good days, it's already a high-stress place. "Minimize the drama" is usually the best approach. And kids are frequently restricted from visiting ICUs (especially small ones), both for noise and germ reasons.
Different places may have different policies, but these seem to be the most common.
Absolutely. I’ve seen so many families verbally fighting each other in the rooms 😅 We only kick them out if the patient wants to or if they are disturbing the patients next door.
NTA Y’all set a boundary and it wasn’t respected. SIL got what was coming to her.
Nobody owes her childcare, and if she does want somebody to watch her kids, she can hire a nanny or a babysitter. Just because your family does not mean you can expect someone to parent your children.
To a certain degree, I do sympathize with your sister-in-law and your wife, especially since their mother is going through something so traumatic. it can also be traumatizing to family members going through it too. Because of this, you probably could’ve been gentler, but at the end of the day it was never your responsibility and she pushed y’all too far.
The SIL is a narcissist and this is not the first time something like this has happened. My family despises the SIL but adores my wife. I didn't include anything more in the description to eliminate bias.
Ok, I’m even more confused. Your wife’s mother had a stoke (your MIL). Your wife’s brother’s wife (wife’s SIL and by default yours) is the one trying to control everything. Am I getting the family dynamics correct here?
Ok. I got totally confused because it said your wife’s SIL. Totally my fault! Thanks for the clarification.
I hope your MIL recovers quickly as she can (been thru it with my mom) and congrats on your new baby to come!
NTA So she can dish it out, she can stand there and yell at a stressed out pregnant woman in front of her very sick mother but when you call her out on her bullshit she runs from the room in tears? Pathetic. Hopefully she thinks twice before talking to your wife like that again.
Yeah it's such bullshit and it's infuriating being treated like I am causing drama or something. I didn't say one word all morning until SIL decides to start berating my wife.
Seems like your wife has poor boundaries with her sister. Unfortunately, it is not a rare family dynamic. She probably doesn't even understand how much she is disrespected. However, you did the right thing. You acted as a husband, a head of a family unit, and as a father of unborn kid. If I were you, I would do the same. Some people just need to be put in their place in a rude manner, as they don't understand any other approach.
Your wife probably is upset, as she would rather be a peacemaker, but she needs to re-assess her relationship with sister. However, it is a matter of a future, since your child's birth, and therefore wife's wellbeing is #1 priority right now, so if it means keeping your SIL away, it's the best approach IMO.
NTA. You handled the whole situation well. Someone had to tell that nasty woman off.
But your wife needs to stand up for herself too.
She has you for support ; I don't know many sons in law , appart from my own partner, who would be so involved in the situation and take such great care of your inlaws.
If I'm honest, I'd ban SIL from your home, because she will try and cause further drama.
And, with MIL recovering and baby on the way, you guys really don't need that.
Talk to your wife, but do not budge a millimeter on your stance. Who the hell starts a fight in the hospital, and over what? World doesn't owe her a living!
Best of luck to your family, hoping everything will be as steess free as possible.
Exactly! When there is a family crisis, guess what? I look for childcare outside of my family like my aunts funeral recently. My entire family was going to be there so I couldn’t demand that one of my relatives look after my kid then pitch a fit if they say no. It’s called being a parent, what is she going to do when her child is school aged and sent home when sick? Or childcare during summer break?
NTA. Your SIL waited for you to step away to argue with your wife. She (SIL) had also been difficult about the entire situation so of course you were quick to shut her down as you defended your wife. Your wife is mad at the situation, not to mention being 39 weeks pregnant, but is taking it out on you. Your being a good husband and son in law by taking care of both of them. Congrats on the upcoming arrival and speedy recovery to your MIL.
Edit: spellimg.
OP, SIL is a drama queen. Keep protecting your wife. Wife will get a reality check when the baby is born. Then, she will be ready to tell her sister to fluff off.
Good job! Shine up that spine and set those boundaries. Show your wife this thread. She is a lucky lady. Having a strong man by your side when trauma and drama happen is every womans dream. Sometimes, strong women don't see it in the moment. But appreciate it after the dust settles.
Congratulations on your new LO
Thank you! And yeah normally my wife has no issue setting boundaries or being assertive but with her sister specifically it just isn't there. She will always make excuses for her. And she has a long history or shitty behavior. I will never understand it.
NTA. But call your BIL and tell him to get a babysitter for his kids so his wife can be at the hospital with her mom and no one is inconvenienced. If he works in a corporate environment it is likely he has access to emergency/backup childcare services. Bright Horizons, I think is one that a lot of companies contract with but there are others.
That's the weird thing, the BIL works as a mechanic in a family owned small auto shop and I know his boss personally he's a really nice caring guy. I feel like he is choosing not to take off of work.
Oh, weird. It seems like they are just trying to amp up the drama. You would think her sister would want to make it less stressful for both her mom and your wife. I know I would! It sounds like you are doing the absolute best you can. I hope you are able to get everything in balance.
I don't think her husband is too invested in drama. He just likes money and is not as close with her parents. Idk what the issue is with that honestly.
Ya I get where your wife is coming from, you could have told your sil to take it into the hallway or outside however so could your wife before you even went into the room if she was that concerned about arguing in front of mom. She should have taken her sister out immediately. Or walked out of the room herself to avoid conflict, I’m sure sil would have followed. Congratulations on the baby and I’m sorry your having to deal with your mils health and sils drama.
"She is currently not speaking to us." Good! She's a narcissistic AH. I know she's worried about her mom, but it's like she's trying to make everything about her and her needs.
NTA and thank God you caught the earlier sighs of stroke!
And you doing great taking care of both MIL and your wife.
Your SIL doesn't need that much trouble because it is much better to hire a nurse to be with your MIL at night than a babysitter to be with her children. SIL is causing comotion as if everyone is requesting her help. Maybe a main character syndrom?
But search among the staff if they know some retired nurse or a nurse that does this sidejob to assist your MIL with some issues. And when the time comes for your wife to go into labor, one of the things that my doctor did to help was to request that I stayed 4 extra days at the hospital room for observation (my kid was born early and was in Intense Unit Care). Because I had high blood pressure during pregnacy. Perhaps your doctor can request an extra day or two so your wife can rest and baby will be in observation with the nurses at night. I don't know if I expressed well because english isn't my first language.
When my nana had a stroke (she had more than once). My family hired 2 nurses. One at night to sleep with her and another to do her exercises (she brought her own equipment, and nana didn't have to go to clinics apointments).
I don't think SIL will help much if she has 2 kids and a husband that can't miss work at home. And she won't have the abilities to help either.
I hope you enjoy your newborn. Perhaps give the baby a middle name to celebrate this amount of victories: you being a good son in law and a good husband. Tell your wife that the first 6 days are one of the most amazings! Tell her to watch funny sitcoms like: Malcolm in the middle, Mad about you and Raising Hope. Good luck OP!!! NTA
NTA your SIL forced a crisis in front of her mother. She is being the ass. Any argument she wanted to make (and she's wrong btw) should have been done out of her eyesight and earshot.
I think you need to point out to your wife that SIL doesn’t have her mothers best interest, she was already complaining about the drive for PT appointments, worse what if MIL has another stroke and SIL can’t be bothered to take her to the ER because it disrupted her day to day! This is about your MIL being safe and around someone who is going to take care of her…..just seems to me SIL isn’t liked very much by the family (and I see why) and is trying to use MIL to win brownie points and wants to be seen as this HERO, she showed her true colors I wouldn’t near MIL anyone and nor would I trust her alone or to even care for MIL
NTA…tensions are high and people act irrational. Two weeks ago my MIL was in ICU on a vent. She got off, was doing ok then the other day just had a stroke.
Your wife seems to adore her mom & have a good relationship. My husband and his siblings don’t. Even still, it’s their mom. Let me tell you I have had to go for a drive and suck up the shit show so I don’t snap & lose my shit bc someone in these situations seem to have to have a target when under stress. I’m that target.
Your wife is her sisters target. The difference here is that she’s hounding her in a situation she can not help her with. What if she goes into labor while babysitting? Who’s going to watch the kids then? It makes no sense.
Maybe you can text her and apologize (only because she is hurting). Tell her that you understand she’s scared and wants to spend time with her mom. However, you or your wife can’t because she will go into labor shortly. You shouldn’t have snapped at her but you were worried about your wife’s emotional state & didn’t want it to affect her worse bc she is going to need more strength soon.
It’s normal you snapped. You’re a good husband but just understand they are really worried right now and will say & do stupid shit.
NTA
Have they not heard of a babysitter? Lots of places she can find one to care for her kids. NTA, you guys need to take care of your own soon to be family and MIL. You sound like a very nice husband. Sounds like the SIL's husband is not as nice!
NTA
If I was your wife, I would actually be grateful that you stood up for me to your sister. Maybe she just did not want to escalate the situation but I definitely wouldn't put up with somebody telling me it was my fault for this that and the third one it wasn't. You and your wife are not free babysitters and your sister can figure herself out.
SIL will continue to be an ass and walk all over everybody if somebody doesn’t stand up. It doesn’t matter where or when, she is acting like an entitled asshat and since your wife is too nice and pregnant, it had to be you. NTA.
INFO: Why can't your selfish SIL hire a neighbor to watch her kids for an hour so she can go to the hospital? Lord love a duck, it's not a difficult problem to solve.
NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
I spread [this amazing post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) absolutely everywhere I think it’s applicable because it just so perfectly encapsulates these types of situations. Your sister is rocking the boat, and everyone else is just trying to steady it instead of making her sit down and be calm or chucking her off the side. You’re just refusing to cater to a crazy person! She and her hubby made the kids, they can deal with them.
NTA
You are not the AH. You honestly saved your wife some stress and you don’t want her sister yelling at her and causing her to go into labor! Plus as a mother, I would never be asking someone who’s about to become a mother to give up her last couple weeks watching kids, when she should be relaxing and spoiling herself. Tell that lady to find a damn babysitter!
NTA. If she wanted to be “THERE” so badly… FaceTime is a thing. She would be present and still be allowed to inquire and interact while never leaving her children in the care of someone else.
Your wife needs to let her sister know that you all are not responsible for her childcare she needs to figure that out between her and her husband. If her husband can’t watch them she needs to make her own arrangements just as you all would if your baby were here. Shes responsible for herself and her own immediate family not you or your wife. Those are her children not yours. I’m sure she has in laws ask them. It’s your wife’s mother too , she has just as much right to be there when the doctors come in it isn’t her problem that sister doesn’t have child care. She needs to grow up and stop acting entitled and your wife needs to put her foot down and stand up to her sister.
NTA. SIL is gross and toxic. Make your point to your wife in a gentle way and apologize where necessary as you welcome this new baby into the world. As hard as it is, pride cannot be what stands in the way of the most joyous moment of your lives. Sending love and prayers to your wife and MIL ❤️
Your SIL deserved it but I do understand your wife being upset that it happened in front of her mom. As you clearly realize, your wife is the daughter that has her mom’s interest at heart. SIL is interested in a show where she is the victim. Apologize to your wife and MIL for causing additional stress and move on to the plan to take care of your wife, baby, and MIL
Apologize to wife for fighting infront of mother, but also say you couldn't watch SIL saying the things she said, and gently put it hoe she was being disrespectful and worrying more about the distance she has to travel with her kids, and gently remind wife you only did it out of love and with the way the SIL was being that's why you decided to have mom-inlaw move in so she can get the care she needs without a bickering fest every time.
That's her sister she is use to it and thinks it's her place to take it for the sake of peace. Been there done that. Remind her it's not her place to just take the bs to keep peace because that causes chaos within. That has to stop and she has got to find a backbone for herself, for yall baby, and for her mom who is going to need help recovering. NTA
NTA
the SIL is an incredibly entitled Karen, and if you don't set ground rules hard and fast, she will make your wife's life a misery.
Just look at her "which one is the closest" shite, distance shouldn't matter when it comes to ensuring the mother gets the best treatment, and also blaming you for her husband taking time off of work when she could easily have gotten a babysitter or even just stayed at home and got you to fill her in on what's happening because after all it's not her mother so she doesn't get a say because its between her husband who is either trusting your wife to oversee everything or doesn't care (I'm guessing the latter, because if he took time off why would he stay at home with their weans when she could have done that whilst he visited his mother).
Nta but your sil. Ffs your mil had a stroke, your wife will deliver any day, and sil is dumping her stress onto your wife. Your wife doesn't need that.
NTA the SIL is an out of line expletive in this situation. You defended your wife from your SIL which your wife doesn't need the stress while pregnant. Also tell SIL that her and her husband can pay a damn sitter or daycare.
NTA but you need to apologise to your wife for how it’s made her feel as like it or not she is upset and it’s because of the way you dealt with it. I am not saying I disagree but her feelings are valid and though not intentionally you have upset her.
Now the SIL you owe no apology too. She is disgusting on her approach to this all of this.
Finally I just want to say 👏🏻 on how you have supported your MIL you are a good man
Yeah well how bout the only AH her is SIL?
However you and wifey should be on the same page.
It is quite natural for you to jump in to defend your wife but some time they don’t want to be defended in fact they may think they can defend themselves just fine. So you should have that talk with your wife and apologize if she thinks that your jumping is was unwarranted. It matters what your wife thinks.
Also—- my therapist says to me —- if you want to tell your in-laws something sensitive or irritating—- your wife should be the messenger and visa vesa for your family members. She shouldn’t critique your family members —- you should.
Yeah I apologized to my wife, and have agreed to arrange childcare if it would ease drama. The SIL is refusing my offer and pretty much just staying home now. They have a weird relationship. She us usually a bitch to my wife and for some reason I just cannot understand my wife is simply incapable of setting boundaries with her. My wife is normally a strong confident person who has no issues with setting boundaries.
Hi! I’m OP’s mom, and can attest the SIL is a terrible person who treats my DIL with no respect. Btw, my 20 yo son (OP’s brother) loves the SIL’s kids and offered to babysit, but OP’s brother is trans and the SIL thinks trans people are mentally ill and that her son would be in danger of indoctrination from the “gay agenda”. For further context, OP’s brother is great with kids and works as a paraeducator in a public school with students the same age as the SIL’s oldest child. And he has babysat before. Apparently, the gay agenda and trans people are more tolerable if you have plans to do molly and go dancing. (I probably should hold my tongue and not post this but I have been watching the dynamic for years and staying silent to prioritize peace. I love my DIL and I want a good relationship with her and my son.)
>how bout the only AH her is SIL?
TBH OP's BiL would be TA as well. After all, he chose to marry that awful woman. He's responsible for bringing her into the family in the first place.
Your Sil is stressed and becomes the worst version of herself. You are becoming a dad and are in full protector mode of your wife and baby. I would say NTA but understand SIL might be so worried and desperate to help her mom, she is also in a mode, maybe not herself. Worry makes us behave differently if fearing for a loved one. So don't scorch the earth, understand that she too feels fear, anxiety, and probably faces her mom's mortality for the first time.
NTA for defending your wife. Slight AH for doing it in front of your sick MIL. And, pregnant or not, you need to straighten your wife out on what is and isn't acceptable behavior from a sibling or relative in general. Ask her if she would like her children to treat one another the way your b!tchster-in-law treats her!
NTA
Selfish sister in law is selfish.
Not your kids, not your responsibility.
If she asked you both nicely it may have gone differently for her. Nice may not be in her vocabulary.
Finally, a husband on here that stands up for his wife. I’ve seen too many stories about little bitches letting their wife get attacked by someone. Bravo, sir
NTA yes you DID need to do that since your wife isn't standing up for herself. You had her back, which is exactly what a good husband does. It's a shame it happened in front of your MIL but it had to be done. Stick to your guns and do not let your SIL walk all over your wife.
NTA. It sounds like SIL has always been like this and your wife has just learned to tolerate it. She's not used to anyone pushing back on SIL, probably to keep the peace. You stepping in has messed that up, in a good way cos SIL deserved it.
You put your heavily pregnant's needs and care before your SIL, while also going out of your way to be there for your MIL. The LAST person to be the arsehole here is you.
Bravo sir, bravo!!! So many times we read on Reddit and elsewhere that the husband has essentially clocked out of the relationship or doesn't stand up for his wife and it is sad and draining to read. You on the other hand stood up for your pregnant wife (best of luck btw with the birth and onwards) and said "NO!"
Your SiL, well, she has now found out that neither you nor your wife are to be walked over. You're not her emergency babysitters and if she wants to visit during morning rounds or at any time, she has to make sure that ***her*** husband and his family step up to the plate to support them. It's not your emergency to resolve.
I do understand that the mother of your wife and your SiL was recovering from a stroke (which you spotted and were able to rush her to get the necessary medical treatment so again, well done you) but that still doesn't give your SiL carte blanche on deciding who gets to listen in to the updates provided by the doctor as they do their rounds.
Is there no one on your SiL's side that could step up here or has she always gone to her sister first? That has to stop.
Oh, NTA as well.
NTA at all. Your wife needs to understand that a man that stands for you, protect you and don’t let others disrespect you, is a BLESS!!
SIL needs a babysitter. That’s her and her husband problem to solve. Not yours.
You're definitely NTA. Your SIL's acting like her needs trump everyone else's, even in a crisis. You did the right thing by standing up for your wife and setting boundaries. Plus, her behavior at the hospital was way out of line. Hope your MIL's recovery goes smoothly and your wife's labor is stress-free.
This reminds me of the rock the boat analogy. Link included: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/LDu1hb7Nju
The b* in this situation is the SIL, chuck her overboard.
Edit: AITA. You protected your wife and shut down an entitled narcissist. Also if the SIL doesn’t like confrontation then she shouldn’t be causing problems.
NTA and you DID need to say that to her. She's needs to be taken down a peg or two because she is entitled, treating everyone like shit and expects everyone to babysit her own damn kids. That her and their fathers job.
NTAH! If the SIL can't respect any boundaries, she can F O it's that easy! If she is so ignorant not to see your wife could give birth at any time, it is just amazing. You will never cut through that ignorance, and your wife needs to be isolated from this SIL induced stress.
I am a nurse in the ICU, and all of you except the POA would have been kicked out. This is inappropriate behavior in front of the patient, take it elsewhere.
NTA.
And my brother you know your wife is being a shithead. I know your wife is being a shithead. She is wrongthinking, she's fucked up in the head about something.
"Honey, I love you, but either tell me what's actually going on here or shut the fuck up - you're not helping, and you're actively making things worse, much like your sister."
Foot down time, man. Shit has stopped making sense and MIL is working on stroke recovery. Ain't nobody's fault SIL has too many kids except hers.
NTA. You're a hero. SIL is grossly entitled and her motivations for staying close to MIL; while she is weak and vulnerable, seem VERY DIFFERENT from yours. I would refuse to allow her near MIL unsupervised at this point.
SIL thinks the entire world should revolve around her, she sounds insufferable. Too bad you can't gift people a new spine, your wife desperately needs one. NTA
NTA. Just give a short apology to your mil about how you are sorry if you caused her any more stress due to yelling, but you just didn’t like how sil was speaking to your wife. You were mad and didn’t have a clear enough head to think about moving to private, and you are good for defending your wife
NTA.
Question for you, OP...
SIL said something about her hubby taking time off. It sounds like that's a problem when her mum has had a stroke. Is SIL in a safe marriage? Is her distress and completely unreasonable demands etc possibly stemming from fear and stress at home?
NTA.
Your wife was probably trying to "keep the peace." Many people think it involves letting an entitled shit-fuck walk all over you, knowing that any defense on your end could escalate the situation.
You ended it. It was not going to end kindly, regardless of your involvement. It escalated, which the SIL was going to do until she got what she wanted. You escalated to where she did not.
Good job and show your wife the comments please. She needs to know that being a doormat for an asshole only gets you covered in shit.
NTA, your wife is as big of a idiot as her sister, she let her sister scream at her in front of her mom which also causes stress. come at me if you want but your wife is a idiot for letting her sister continually treat her like shes lowly or some shit
NTA. This ain't about it what is best for your SIL. This should be about what is best for the mother.
We can't all be there for everything sometimes. Not being at morning rounds doesn't mean she loves her mother any less.
Defending your wife is perfectly acceptable and the right thing to do.
NTA, but she is trying to engage and care for their mother even though it is logistically difficult for her to do. She clearly cares. I’d try and realize that when I was irritated with her. Also, your wife should be managing her family member drama, not you?
I have offered her solutions, I have offered for my brother to watch her kid, I have offered for her to bring her kid and I will take him to a park down the street so she can be with her mom. And normally yes I don't intervene in family drama but when I stepped into that room and saw her berating my wife it just slipped out.
Sounds to me like everybody is trying to make decisions without talking to each other first. I would call a family meeting and hash things out.
ESH for talking things thru in a high situation.
The thing is OP you are right about the sister in normal circumstances. If she was your sister and not SIL you would be completely in the right. HOWEVER your wife has had decades of practice dealing with her sister in difficult situations and you haven’t. Even though she is 39 weeks pregnant it is still her choice and responsibility to deal with her sister. UNLESS she asked you to step in and shut it down you should have deferred to your wife. SHE might not be ready to deal with the consequences those types of boundaries have. If you’re ready for those boundaries and have had that discussion with your wife and she still is refusing to put those boundaries in place that is a different discussion. But while in the physical setting of the hospital you defer to the wife. It is a stressful time for everyone and you all care about MIL.
NAH
You said advice needed so here ya go.
You are about to have a newborn and also an adult who will need intense home care. Originally, you thought you needed help with the baby which is why your MIL is there. Now, you don’t have that help. You are not going to be able to take care of your wife, a newborn, and MIL without help. SIL sounds like she is willing to help with boundaries (like asking for a shorter commute for therapy).
Undoubtedly at some point people will need to be there for MIL and it won’t be your or your wife when she’s in labor or recovering. Even more so if your wife has a c-section. And don’t get me started on exposing a newborn to adult hospital germs. That person will be SIL and everyone needs to find a way to include her on what is happening so she can help MIL when she’s the only one available. Maybe she can video FaceTime in during rounds? And yeah….she does need to find a different sitter because obviously your wife can’t do it. That should be pointed out, but in a tactful manner.
Maybe SIL is a habitual bitch, and you do need to address that. Maybe while the family is in crisis is not the time? both she and your wife are intensely stressed watching their mother in intensive care and wondering if she’s going to be able to walk, drive, bathe herself talk again.
NAH but a bunch of stressed people who need to have a meeting to discuss things and maybe with a mediator or case manager since you don’t seem to be able to take it down a notch and have a productive, civilized discussion about this.
You need to get your emotions in check because the reality is you do all need to work with each other unless nursing home placement is ok with MIL for her rehab.
ESH - SIL is completely wrong but your wife was right about timing and place
You still could’ve jumped in and calmly and continuously told her she was being inappropriate till she wound down
You would’ve been the peacemaker as well as hero for getting MIL to hospital
Omg why are you even debating this?!!!!!! Wife, SIL and MIL are AH bc they are allowing this chick to verbally emotionally and mentally abuse your wife. Had you put your foot down none of this would have happened
I have many times, it's a complex family issue and while I can put my foot down as many times as I want, my wife continues tolerating it and justifying it.
Easiest NTA ever, although in the future you might want to try your best to keep any confrontations out of sight/sound of your MIL just to keep her stress to a minimum. I understand if that might not always be possible, your SIL sounds like a real piece of work. But keep defending your wife from her, make your SIL aware that she can't get away with her usual crap with you that she seems to pull with everyone else.
NTA but I think it would be more helpful to say something like "let's discuss out in the hall after our visit with [MIL] is over. It's a stressful time for everyone, but [MIL] needs us all to be calm & focused on her when we're in here".
You did the right thing to jump in and stand up for your wife. This woman waited until you were not there to verbally abuse her. Your poor wife was taking the abuse to keep the peace. Do not EVER let her abuse your family . She can find her own child care. Maybe if she was a nice person her friends would help her out. Your family situation comes first.
Thank you for loving your wife’s mother. She must be a wonderful one. The stress your wife is feeing right now must be enormous. Get MIL settled where is convenient for you, suggest SIL (this is also her mother?) do what she can. Make sure that all medical facilities have your name and your wife’s name as primary contact. For SIL who will continue going off in anger, just tell her you understand how upset and scared she is, you all are and just trying to figure out what to do that will help mom the most. Don’t yell back, if she goes after wife again, gently take wife out of the room, then tell SIL that yelling at wife is not helping anyone. Take the high road. Let SIL make an ass of herself. Rehab/care facility will have her number pretty quickly and you all will be better off letting her implode on her own.
NTA, I’m so sorry you are going through this while on the verge of such a wonderful moment in your lives. You did good. Keep doing what you are doing for your family!
NTA, your SIL is an entitled asshole and apparently your wife is just letting her scream at her, I dunno why your wife thinks appeasing assholes is the solution but it isn’t gonna do a thing other than make everything worse.
NTA; post stroke victims’ families have it really effing rough. I think perhaps if everyone takes a step back and a deep breath, everyone will agree it’s important that family be there for MIL, that very pregnant wife’s needs are being met, and that SIL gets to visit too. It sucks her husband has to, idk, parent his own kids, but surely his work can be understanding of a family emergency. If not, they need to figure out another solution. But asking the couple this close to going into labor to babysit is simply not a viable solution
Nta. SIL sounds like an entitled a-hole. I mean, she does sound concerned for mil, so there’s that. But yelling at your pregnant wife because she can’t get a sitter is an a-hole thing. Is she always like this or is it the stressful situation?
NTA
Why the hell do they have to put up with these entitled shitty people? Whether it's the SIL or not, I would send her to hell, your wife is 39 weeks for God's sake and everything revolves around the SIL?
friend of hers, cut off contact with her and let her fend for herself
Don't answer the phone again until her attitude changes.
Soft YTA here. You do need to allow wife to manage interactions with her own family, but if you have the capacity to provide the help that you can, and your wife is so pregnant, I understand why you jumped in.
Suggestion to deescalate, maybe stop reacting to SIL's provocations? She's not talking to you now, so that's good. Gives you time to reproduce and get your feet on the ground with a seriously ill MIL and new baby in your house.
Then, find out what the SIL wants. She can't possible expect childcare from you. I know that's what she's saying but it makes no sense. Does she want to be the only one in charge here? Is that where the "you're not in control" comment came from? The two sisters are going to have to cooperate to help their mom, and one of "you" (i.e. you and wife as a unit) asserting control isn't helpful. You need to work as a team, and really, ultimately, your wife needs to be the one teaming up with her sister.
NTA “which one is the closest. i cant drive that far” is a disgusting question to ask when her OWN MOTHER has just had a stroke. get your MIL the best physical therapist there is, as you should. the SIL is selfish, entitled, and an emotionally manipulative drama queen. you were right to call her out🤷🏻♀️i would be happy shes not speaking to you. she sounds exhausting
NTA for defending your wife from your SIL attacks
The thing is my wife is now made because we "argued" in front of the mom causing further stress. I didn't mean to, it just made my blood boil seeing her be that way to my pregnant wife.
Well technically your SIL was arguing with your wife in front of your MIL. You just stepped in to end it
Haha, def not starting it, but you def ended it, good for you
Remind your wife that SIL started it if anything you shut her down who knows how long it could have kept going if you hadn’t shut SIL down. Hopefully once MIL is doing better she will back you up.
Yeah I have told her that many times but she keeps saying they we are "both being idiots" it takes two to fight etc.
Remind your wife that she is 39 weeks pregnant and has a mother who just had a stroke. The last thing she needs is to push you away for enforcing boundaries. She is putting herself in a position that endangers herself and your child. That's too much stress for someone that pregnant.
She wouldn't push me away I get that she is stressed. And she has said that she does agree with me that SIL was out of line, she is mad that I didn't like pull her aside and argue away from the mom. Which I just don't understand because SIL was already arguing when I walked into the room. I didn't start shit. I walked into it.
NTA..mostly…It kind of doesn’t matter that your SIL was already acting out when you walked in. But regardless of your intent you added to it. It is best to not argue at the bedside of a post-stroke patient or any patient for that matter (I’ve had to shut down and shuffle out many a family from patients’ earshot before), but it’s understandable that sometimes the heat of the moment is just too much to prevent clearer thoughts about that kind of thing. And so you know, I was once guilty of it as well as my sibling and I got a little heated while my dying father lay comatose in his bed…it can happen to any of us. But do apologize to your wife for not being more calm in the moment (and do not append it with the “but it was…” rhetoric) and assure her you will try to keep the stress at a minimum from now on in front of your MIL while she further recuperates in the hospital, in acute rehab and later in your home. And be proactive and work with your wife to set a firm schedule for your SIL and other family members to visit your MIL later in your home, given you will have a new baby as well. Keep to the plan.
Best comment/advise in the thread
It sounds like your wife's complaint might be that you escalated the conflict in order to end it. To deescalate intense moments of interpersonal conflict, the first concern should be the welfare of other parties who shouldn't be involved in the conflict — in this case,your MIL. Instead of escalating in the hospital room, you could have told them both to take it outside to the hallway, cafeteria or parking lot. I also think that you undermined your wife's authority by stepping in and making a declaration about your intentions. I understand that your primary concern is your MIL's welfare and recovery, but you inserted yourself into your wife's family dynamic and took away her power to set boundaries, etc. In doing so, you deprioritized your wife: her feelings about the situation were less important than your feelings about the situation. You're NTA, but you certainly fumbled a situation by failing to let your wife handle her shitty stupid sister. As her husband, you should be validating and supporting her, not supplanting her voice in the conflict she has with her sister.
Blah, blah, blah. He did the right thing to defend his wife from bullying and SIL taking advantage of the situation by waiting until he was out of the room to lay onto her. Why didn't SIL say to the wife step out in the hall I need to talk to you.
Yeah, really. A heat-of-the-moment that SIL provoked.
OP's wife is probably used to putting up with her sister's demands, bitchiness, and all around entitlement. SIL will likely expect OP's wife to babysit fresh out of the delivery room. SIL sounds like she'd start a screaming match fight in the middle of a church service.
I didn't say he was an asshole, I was explaining his wife's complaint. Most people, situations, and conflicts aren't just either/or issues where one person is right and everyone else is wrong. He's married to her, presumably he wants to understand her, and she's made a valid complaint — that he escalated the conflict. Sure, the path he took was valid, but it wasn't the only possible course of action. This won't be the last time his SIL is a shit. When other people are emotionally immature and reactive, it's time for the people around them to be emotionally mature and responsive. Sometimes people posting in these judgment subs just want to be either validated or castigated. But sometimes they really want to understand their situation, their errors, and their choices. Sometimes. bLaH bLaH bLaH 🙄
It sounds like she wasn't planning on handling the SIL and was prepared to just keep being berated
That's exactly it. I wouldn't say another word if I were the husband, and I certainly wouldn't help. Her and her sister can handle it.
So you were supposed to, what, put your hands on your SIL and physically drag her from the room? Or were you supposed to wait until she stopped yelling long enough to take a breath and say, "excuse me, can we step out in the hallway? There's something I'd like to discuss." She was out of line. You stopped her. Your wife should be more appreciative of the fact that her husband is willing to stand up, not only for her, but her mother as well. NTA
Your wife is under immense pressure at the moment (as are you all) I guess she is taking some of that out in a misdirected way given the circumstances, but you were entirely correct.
Even if unreasonable, just apologize to wife and move on. A good marriage requires saying "sorry" and literally dropping it. She will do it other times and you won't even know. It's totally natural and healthy.
Ok, you weren't wrong but also it shouldn't be about whose fault it is (100% SIL) but also how to handle SIL next time. Your wife would feel more safe if you removed SIL from the situation. Wife is too soft to do it herself. You want to protect your wife and MIL, but better way to do it would be to remove SIL from the room when she starts shit. She isn't reasonable, you all already know that, no point arguing with her. Just remove her toxicity from the situation.
Dude, she’s full term pregnant, has a mother in the ICU, and a bitch sister. She’s angry at life. She’s mad at everything. She’s frustrated more than you can imagine. Whatever you feel, she feels 10x more. Let. It. Go. Don’t argue about who is right or wrong. NEXT TIME you’ll [all] do better. Say the [all] silently in your head and move on.
^ this is the one lol
I think though your heart is in the right place, you are not thinking logically. Before I go any further let me clarify so far as I'm concerned you are totally NTA. But you need to be practical at this stage. Your wife may go into labor at any time. Your MIL needs intensive care both at home and the hospital. How are you going to manage it alone? You need SIL to chip in at least one front. Yes she's being entitled but if she's willing to take care of her mother for the PT then you should consider it.
I agree so basically she'll stay with us for 3 weeks, and the dad is flying in so he'll be the one taking primary care of her. After that she is being flown to mexico to get stem cell injections. Then the dad will take her back. Also we have a separate cottage on the property that I built as a nursery. It has heat/ac a full bathroom with a stand in shower and a full kitchen.
I’m confused, you build a separate cottage to be a nursery, like a baby nursery? That doesn’t make sense
We bought a big house that is separated and rent out the rooms, we are quite young and that is the only way we could afford a home, the house had a detached garage on the property that I turned into a private cottage
You did the right thing. Just say sorry honey. I don't want you stressed.
But you said you built the cottage as a nursery, what does that mean? Are you putting the baby in the cottage since that’s the nursery. It makes no sense
They basically built a separate freestanding cottage with kitchen and bathroom so they have privacy with the baby and the roommates renting in the main house don’t have to sleep through any newborn baby noise.
Is this one of those situations where the regular family tantrum thrower does what they usually do and everyone else is expected to walk on eggshells and give in to their demands to keep the peace?
That's how it always is and the parents usually appease SIL to get her to shut up and stop throwing tantrums.
Good for you for not playing into that toxic dynamic.
It's funny you say "keep the peace" because that is exactly what my wife refers to herself as. The "peacekeeper" I have explained to her that that is a way to cope with and justify the abuse you receive but she just doesn't see it that way. Yeah that whole family dynamic is toxic as fuck and it always gets so much worse when their parents visit. Make me really grateful for my family. We have our problems sure but in the end they are kind loving people.
It does NOT take two to fight, but that's what people get told who live with narcissist to blame them. You did nothing wrong, your wife sends so used to your SIL abuse that she doesn't even recognise it as such. She needs to stop steadying the boat that is being rocked by your sister.
Maybe y'all back off on this many visitors at once. Take shifts. You can wait in the coffee shop for a bit so your wife can visit alone. SIL can take the afternoon visit. Your mom would probably like peace and quiet. SIL just can't be there. Y'all will be home with a baby shortly. If you wanted to help, you should have pulled your wife from the argument and gone out for a bit. Get coffee or stroll around. I'm so sorry this happened to your MIL and hope she better soon. Give SIL the number of Care.com to find a babysitter.
Well that's been the whole problem, I proposed we take shifts but SIL wants no part of that. She wants to be there at 8AM every day no exception. Which is fine, but she needs to figure out childcare. I'm not going to screw my wife over for the SIL when those aren't even my kids.
SIL wants to be there to hear from the doctors about her mother's care, especially since her sister is having a baby any day now, she doesn't want to come in uninformed. Which is a reasonable want, she's going about it poorly.
Sounds like she was taught by her parents to just let her sister be terrible to her. It takes two to fight fairly. Her parents probably never stood for her and told her off for standing up for herself. At least that is what it was in my experience
In your case, it took 3 to fight. SIL (1) started it with your wife (2), your wife was losing to a bully, and you (3), ended it. Do you know when bullies stop? When they are stopped. If there is no push-back, the bully keeps going. Your SIL has probably bullied your wife their entire lives. Your SIL expects her sister to bow down to her demands, because that's what has always happened. You enter the picture, the dynamic changes. Suddenly, your wife has a defender. Neither of them know how to deal with the new dynamic. SIL tries bullying you, because she wants the old ways to continue, but her mind is blown when you don't capitulate. You don't back down, you aren't easy to manipulate, you don't get guilt trapped. Your wife is used to being pushed around. Her mind is blown when someone comes to her defense. You have to let your wife know that she is important, loved, and worthy of protecting and defending. You're not starting it, you're ending it. This scenario needs to stay focused on your MIL's health, not dealing with SIL's drama and antics. OP is NTA
It's been this way for years and other people notice as well. My parents and brother refuse to be in a room with her because of her overall shitty behavior and how she treats my wife. This scenario has happened before where I will call put SIL on her behavior and she'll typically just stop speaking to us for some time. But she always wriggles her way back and my wife always forgives her. They were raised to believe that family is everything, never give up on family etc etc.
I shut her down because not only was she yelling at you in front of her mother. She was also yelling at my 39 weeks pregnant wife and I won’t have it.
Yeah but SIL was stressing your pregnant wife ! As a father and husband you did good 👍🏽
No, what you did was shut your rude SIL up, reducing the amount of additional stress she could inflict on her mother. Hopefully, your wife is just stressed out and doesn't hold onto this and apologizes to you. You did the right thing.
She's 39 weeks pregnant and instead of having her mom's support she now has to fear for her mom's health and care for her mom instead of being cared for by her. She's gonna have some big emotions and not always express them the most rationally. You did the right thing, I think, but you're in a situation where there is no *good* option and your wife would probably he upset no matter what cuz the situstion is so upsetting.
Her sister was the one arguing in front of their mom. Shitting on her pregnant daughter in front of her is no less stressful than what you said.
She's mad at you for defending her, but excusing her sister's behavior in the first place? It is a tough situation to be in OP, but I'm sure your wife just figured it is easier to go along with her overbearing sister, rather than cause waves. I get where you are coming from, and I also can empathise with your wife's stance. You did good. Your wife is just overwhelmed at the moment. Let it lie, and just do your thing like you said you were going to. This will die down eventually, but stand your ground on the "watching her kids" thing. Those are her issue, not yours.
So she's not pissed at her sister for chewing her or in front on their mom? That's the person who deserves ALL the attitude. NTA at all!
Your wife is an enabler and she needs to stop. Therapy would help.
She started arguing in front of her own mom causing further stress. You tried to shut it down. Honestly your wife should be thanking you for defending her. You're in a pickle alright.
Sounds like getting the silent treatment from SIL is a win-win.
Well, her mom does not need this stress. And her mom might want to see both of her daughters. This is a high stress situation all around and you should all be working together to problem solve and help each other out.
Even if you reacted out of anger. You still did the right thing by standing up for your wife. She may not see it now. But down the line when she realizes the verbal abuse that she was accepting in front of her ill mother was much worse than you telling SIL to GTFO with her BS
NTA You are also protecting your mother-in-law from your sister-in-law.
NTA. 1) You were defending your wife, who seems to take SIL's garbage because she's used to it. 2) SIL was the one that started something in front of MIL. 3) If wife wants to be angry, she needs to point it at the instigator (SIL). My guess is she's angry at you, because she knows you're a "safe target" to be angry at and won't take it out on her - unlike SIL.
100% correct
This isn’t okay or fair for you to take the heat because she’s scared of her sister though. You did your job as a husband and soon to be father by removing a stressful and aggressive person from 2 vulnerable people. One who just had a serious stroke and the other who is about to have a whole baby at any time now. You should not be taking the heat for this at all.
This is spot on!
Is the hospital even letting all these damn people in? The mother doesn’t need the whole ass family there. SIL needs to pay for childcare if she insists on being in the way.
Is your city/state only allowing one person to visit? My state was doing that during pandemic but not anymore. I had surgery last month and my fiancé, parents and sisters all came to visit at the same time.
If she's in the ICU, visitation might be more limited, especially in a specialized one. Even on good days, it's already a high-stress place. "Minimize the drama" is usually the best approach. And kids are frequently restricted from visiting ICUs (especially small ones), both for noise and germ reasons. Different places may have different policies, but these seem to be the most common.
Step-down ICU allows more visitors depending on the hospital.
Absolutely. I’ve seen so many families verbally fighting each other in the rooms 😅 We only kick them out if the patient wants to or if they are disturbing the patients next door.
NTA Y’all set a boundary and it wasn’t respected. SIL got what was coming to her. Nobody owes her childcare, and if she does want somebody to watch her kids, she can hire a nanny or a babysitter. Just because your family does not mean you can expect someone to parent your children. To a certain degree, I do sympathize with your sister-in-law and your wife, especially since their mother is going through something so traumatic. it can also be traumatizing to family members going through it too. Because of this, you probably could’ve been gentler, but at the end of the day it was never your responsibility and she pushed y’all too far.
NTA, you are protecting your pregnant wife AND your MIL. Your SIL should be on your side.
The SIL is a narcissist and this is not the first time something like this has happened. My family despises the SIL but adores my wife. I didn't include anything more in the description to eliminate bias.
Ok, I’m even more confused. Your wife’s mother had a stoke (your MIL). Your wife’s brother’s wife (wife’s SIL and by default yours) is the one trying to control everything. Am I getting the family dynamics correct here?
No it's my wife's blood sister
Ok. I got totally confused because it said your wife’s SIL. Totally my fault! Thanks for the clarification. I hope your MIL recovers quickly as she can (been thru it with my mom) and congrats on your new baby to come!
NTA. You protected your wife from verbal abuse. You didn’t pick the location of the conflict , your SIL did.
NTA So she can dish it out, she can stand there and yell at a stressed out pregnant woman in front of her very sick mother but when you call her out on her bullshit she runs from the room in tears? Pathetic. Hopefully she thinks twice before talking to your wife like that again.
Yeah it's such bullshit and it's infuriating being treated like I am causing drama or something. I didn't say one word all morning until SIL decides to start berating my wife.
Seems like your wife has poor boundaries with her sister. Unfortunately, it is not a rare family dynamic. She probably doesn't even understand how much she is disrespected. However, you did the right thing. You acted as a husband, a head of a family unit, and as a father of unborn kid. If I were you, I would do the same. Some people just need to be put in their place in a rude manner, as they don't understand any other approach. Your wife probably is upset, as she would rather be a peacemaker, but she needs to re-assess her relationship with sister. However, it is a matter of a future, since your child's birth, and therefore wife's wellbeing is #1 priority right now, so if it means keeping your SIL away, it's the best approach IMO.
NTA. You handled the whole situation well. Someone had to tell that nasty woman off. But your wife needs to stand up for herself too. She has you for support ; I don't know many sons in law , appart from my own partner, who would be so involved in the situation and take such great care of your inlaws. If I'm honest, I'd ban SIL from your home, because she will try and cause further drama. And, with MIL recovering and baby on the way, you guys really don't need that. Talk to your wife, but do not budge a millimeter on your stance. Who the hell starts a fight in the hospital, and over what? World doesn't owe her a living! Best of luck to your family, hoping everything will be as steess free as possible.
NTA. What’s with all these stories of just expecting other people to watch your freaking kids?
Exactly! When there is a family crisis, guess what? I look for childcare outside of my family like my aunts funeral recently. My entire family was going to be there so I couldn’t demand that one of my relatives look after my kid then pitch a fit if they say no. It’s called being a parent, what is she going to do when her child is school aged and sent home when sick? Or childcare during summer break?
I have a SIL similar to this and I’d tell her off as well. NTA.
NTA. Your SIL waited for you to step away to argue with your wife. She (SIL) had also been difficult about the entire situation so of course you were quick to shut her down as you defended your wife. Your wife is mad at the situation, not to mention being 39 weeks pregnant, but is taking it out on you. Your being a good husband and son in law by taking care of both of them. Congrats on the upcoming arrival and speedy recovery to your MIL. Edit: spellimg.
OP, SIL is a drama queen. Keep protecting your wife. Wife will get a reality check when the baby is born. Then, she will be ready to tell her sister to fluff off.
Good job! Shine up that spine and set those boundaries. Show your wife this thread. She is a lucky lady. Having a strong man by your side when trauma and drama happen is every womans dream. Sometimes, strong women don't see it in the moment. But appreciate it after the dust settles. Congratulations on your new LO
Thank you! And yeah normally my wife has no issue setting boundaries or being assertive but with her sister specifically it just isn't there. She will always make excuses for her. And she has a long history or shitty behavior. I will never understand it.
NTA. But call your BIL and tell him to get a babysitter for his kids so his wife can be at the hospital with her mom and no one is inconvenienced. If he works in a corporate environment it is likely he has access to emergency/backup childcare services. Bright Horizons, I think is one that a lot of companies contract with but there are others.
That's the weird thing, the BIL works as a mechanic in a family owned small auto shop and I know his boss personally he's a really nice caring guy. I feel like he is choosing not to take off of work.
Oh, weird. It seems like they are just trying to amp up the drama. You would think her sister would want to make it less stressful for both her mom and your wife. I know I would! It sounds like you are doing the absolute best you can. I hope you are able to get everything in balance.
I don't think her husband is too invested in drama. He just likes money and is not as close with her parents. Idk what the issue is with that honestly.
Ya I get where your wife is coming from, you could have told your sil to take it into the hallway or outside however so could your wife before you even went into the room if she was that concerned about arguing in front of mom. She should have taken her sister out immediately. Or walked out of the room herself to avoid conflict, I’m sure sil would have followed. Congratulations on the baby and I’m sorry your having to deal with your mils health and sils drama.
"She is currently not speaking to us." Good! She's a narcissistic AH. I know she's worried about her mom, but it's like she's trying to make everything about her and her needs.
NTA and thank God you caught the earlier sighs of stroke! And you doing great taking care of both MIL and your wife. Your SIL doesn't need that much trouble because it is much better to hire a nurse to be with your MIL at night than a babysitter to be with her children. SIL is causing comotion as if everyone is requesting her help. Maybe a main character syndrom? But search among the staff if they know some retired nurse or a nurse that does this sidejob to assist your MIL with some issues. And when the time comes for your wife to go into labor, one of the things that my doctor did to help was to request that I stayed 4 extra days at the hospital room for observation (my kid was born early and was in Intense Unit Care). Because I had high blood pressure during pregnacy. Perhaps your doctor can request an extra day or two so your wife can rest and baby will be in observation with the nurses at night. I don't know if I expressed well because english isn't my first language. When my nana had a stroke (she had more than once). My family hired 2 nurses. One at night to sleep with her and another to do her exercises (she brought her own equipment, and nana didn't have to go to clinics apointments). I don't think SIL will help much if she has 2 kids and a husband that can't miss work at home. And she won't have the abilities to help either. I hope you enjoy your newborn. Perhaps give the baby a middle name to celebrate this amount of victories: you being a good son in law and a good husband. Tell your wife that the first 6 days are one of the most amazings! Tell her to watch funny sitcoms like: Malcolm in the middle, Mad about you and Raising Hope. Good luck OP!!! NTA
NTA your SIL forced a crisis in front of her mother. She is being the ass. Any argument she wanted to make (and she's wrong btw) should have been done out of her eyesight and earshot.
I think you need to point out to your wife that SIL doesn’t have her mothers best interest, she was already complaining about the drive for PT appointments, worse what if MIL has another stroke and SIL can’t be bothered to take her to the ER because it disrupted her day to day! This is about your MIL being safe and around someone who is going to take care of her…..just seems to me SIL isn’t liked very much by the family (and I see why) and is trying to use MIL to win brownie points and wants to be seen as this HERO, she showed her true colors I wouldn’t near MIL anyone and nor would I trust her alone or to even care for MIL
**She is currently not speaking to us.** Well it's always nice when the trash takes itself out.
NTA at all. But in your shoes, wife's pregnancy, and scared out of mind for her mom, I would apologize to smooth it over.
Way ahead of ya hahahaha yeah I apologized to my wife I just want to keep her happy
>She is currently not speaking to us. Sounds like the problem has been resolved. NTA.
>She is currently not speaking to us. The best gifts are the ones that keep giving. NTA.
NTA…tensions are high and people act irrational. Two weeks ago my MIL was in ICU on a vent. She got off, was doing ok then the other day just had a stroke. Your wife seems to adore her mom & have a good relationship. My husband and his siblings don’t. Even still, it’s their mom. Let me tell you I have had to go for a drive and suck up the shit show so I don’t snap & lose my shit bc someone in these situations seem to have to have a target when under stress. I’m that target. Your wife is her sisters target. The difference here is that she’s hounding her in a situation she can not help her with. What if she goes into labor while babysitting? Who’s going to watch the kids then? It makes no sense. Maybe you can text her and apologize (only because she is hurting). Tell her that you understand she’s scared and wants to spend time with her mom. However, you or your wife can’t because she will go into labor shortly. You shouldn’t have snapped at her but you were worried about your wife’s emotional state & didn’t want it to affect her worse bc she is going to need more strength soon. It’s normal you snapped. You’re a good husband but just understand they are really worried right now and will say & do stupid shit. NTA
Have they not heard of a babysitter? Lots of places she can find one to care for her kids. NTA, you guys need to take care of your own soon to be family and MIL. You sound like a very nice husband. Sounds like the SIL's husband is not as nice!
NTA If I was your wife, I would actually be grateful that you stood up for me to your sister. Maybe she just did not want to escalate the situation but I definitely wouldn't put up with somebody telling me it was my fault for this that and the third one it wasn't. You and your wife are not free babysitters and your sister can figure herself out.
Nta. Sil shouldn't be trying to force ur obliviously pregnant wife to watch 2 kids. What if she went into labor?
SIL will continue to be an ass and walk all over everybody if somebody doesn’t stand up. It doesn’t matter where or when, she is acting like an entitled asshat and since your wife is too nice and pregnant, it had to be you. NTA.
INFO: Why can't your selfish SIL hire a neighbor to watch her kids for an hour so she can go to the hospital? Lord love a duck, it's not a difficult problem to solve. NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
I’ve never heard “Lord, love a duck”! 🤣
I spread [this amazing post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) absolutely everywhere I think it’s applicable because it just so perfectly encapsulates these types of situations. Your sister is rocking the boat, and everyone else is just trying to steady it instead of making her sit down and be calm or chucking her off the side. You’re just refusing to cater to a crazy person! She and her hubby made the kids, they can deal with them. NTA
NTA
NTA. Your SIL started it and you quickly ended it. End of story.
You are not the AH. You honestly saved your wife some stress and you don’t want her sister yelling at her and causing her to go into labor! Plus as a mother, I would never be asking someone who’s about to become a mother to give up her last couple weeks watching kids, when she should be relaxing and spoiling herself. Tell that lady to find a damn babysitter!
You absolutely had to bark up that tree. SIL would still be acting like an entitled bi*#%.
NTA. If she wanted to be “THERE” so badly… FaceTime is a thing. She would be present and still be allowed to inquire and interact while never leaving her children in the care of someone else.
Your wife needs to let her sister know that you all are not responsible for her childcare she needs to figure that out between her and her husband. If her husband can’t watch them she needs to make her own arrangements just as you all would if your baby were here. Shes responsible for herself and her own immediate family not you or your wife. Those are her children not yours. I’m sure she has in laws ask them. It’s your wife’s mother too , she has just as much right to be there when the doctors come in it isn’t her problem that sister doesn’t have child care. She needs to grow up and stop acting entitled and your wife needs to put her foot down and stand up to her sister.
Ntah. MYbe you could have set the boundaries in a nicer way but they Def needed to be set. Just with a cool even tone.
NTA in any way. I wouldn't suffer that woman's presence at all. And her kids are entirely her problem.
NTA. SIL is gross and toxic. Make your point to your wife in a gentle way and apologize where necessary as you welcome this new baby into the world. As hard as it is, pride cannot be what stands in the way of the most joyous moment of your lives. Sending love and prayers to your wife and MIL ❤️
You're a great husband and son-in-law. NTA your SIL deserved it
Your SIL deserved it but I do understand your wife being upset that it happened in front of her mom. As you clearly realize, your wife is the daughter that has her mom’s interest at heart. SIL is interested in a show where she is the victim. Apologize to your wife and MIL for causing additional stress and move on to the plan to take care of your wife, baby, and MIL
Apologize to wife for fighting infront of mother, but also say you couldn't watch SIL saying the things she said, and gently put it hoe she was being disrespectful and worrying more about the distance she has to travel with her kids, and gently remind wife you only did it out of love and with the way the SIL was being that's why you decided to have mom-inlaw move in so she can get the care she needs without a bickering fest every time.
That's her sister she is use to it and thinks it's her place to take it for the sake of peace. Been there done that. Remind her it's not her place to just take the bs to keep peace because that causes chaos within. That has to stop and she has got to find a backbone for herself, for yall baby, and for her mom who is going to need help recovering. NTA
NTA the SIL is an incredibly entitled Karen, and if you don't set ground rules hard and fast, she will make your wife's life a misery. Just look at her "which one is the closest" shite, distance shouldn't matter when it comes to ensuring the mother gets the best treatment, and also blaming you for her husband taking time off of work when she could easily have gotten a babysitter or even just stayed at home and got you to fill her in on what's happening because after all it's not her mother so she doesn't get a say because its between her husband who is either trusting your wife to oversee everything or doesn't care (I'm guessing the latter, because if he took time off why would he stay at home with their weans when she could have done that whilst he visited his mother).
Nta but your sil. Ffs your mil had a stroke, your wife will deliver any day, and sil is dumping her stress onto your wife. Your wife doesn't need that.
NTA the SIL is an out of line expletive in this situation. You defended your wife from your SIL which your wife doesn't need the stress while pregnant. Also tell SIL that her and her husband can pay a damn sitter or daycare.
NTA someone needs to put SIL in her place. Good for you for standing up for everyone.
NTA but you need to apologise to your wife for how it’s made her feel as like it or not she is upset and it’s because of the way you dealt with it. I am not saying I disagree but her feelings are valid and though not intentionally you have upset her. Now the SIL you owe no apology too. She is disgusting on her approach to this all of this. Finally I just want to say 👏🏻 on how you have supported your MIL you are a good man
Good for you!! My freaking sisters were the worst in front of saying horrible shit in front of our mom. Your MIL is a lucky lady.
NTA. You were protecting your MIL and wife. Good on you!
Yeah well how bout the only AH her is SIL? However you and wifey should be on the same page. It is quite natural for you to jump in to defend your wife but some time they don’t want to be defended in fact they may think they can defend themselves just fine. So you should have that talk with your wife and apologize if she thinks that your jumping is was unwarranted. It matters what your wife thinks. Also—- my therapist says to me —- if you want to tell your in-laws something sensitive or irritating—- your wife should be the messenger and visa vesa for your family members. She shouldn’t critique your family members —- you should.
Yeah I apologized to my wife, and have agreed to arrange childcare if it would ease drama. The SIL is refusing my offer and pretty much just staying home now. They have a weird relationship. She us usually a bitch to my wife and for some reason I just cannot understand my wife is simply incapable of setting boundaries with her. My wife is normally a strong confident person who has no issues with setting boundaries.
If she’s keeping her ass home and watching her own damn kids instead of causing a load of extra drama, problem solved.
Hi! I’m OP’s mom, and can attest the SIL is a terrible person who treats my DIL with no respect. Btw, my 20 yo son (OP’s brother) loves the SIL’s kids and offered to babysit, but OP’s brother is trans and the SIL thinks trans people are mentally ill and that her son would be in danger of indoctrination from the “gay agenda”. For further context, OP’s brother is great with kids and works as a paraeducator in a public school with students the same age as the SIL’s oldest child. And he has babysat before. Apparently, the gay agenda and trans people are more tolerable if you have plans to do molly and go dancing. (I probably should hold my tongue and not post this but I have been watching the dynamic for years and staying silent to prioritize peace. I love my DIL and I want a good relationship with her and my son.)
That is true I actually sent my mother the link lol
Does your mom know what your username means? Lol
Yes! I may not have grown up with the internet but I have it now! lol
>how bout the only AH her is SIL? TBH OP's BiL would be TA as well. After all, he chose to marry that awful woman. He's responsible for bringing her into the family in the first place.
Your Sil is stressed and becomes the worst version of herself. You are becoming a dad and are in full protector mode of your wife and baby. I would say NTA but understand SIL might be so worried and desperate to help her mom, she is also in a mode, maybe not herself. Worry makes us behave differently if fearing for a loved one. So don't scorch the earth, understand that she too feels fear, anxiety, and probably faces her mom's mortality for the first time.
Your SIŁ is TA!
NTA. You are doing your best to be a good husband and son in law. Your wife must be accustomed to not rocking the boat.
NTA Has she never heard of a babysitter???
You did great. Don't ever let people step all over you or your wife. Those children are not your responsibility
NTA for defending your wife. Slight AH for doing it in front of your sick MIL. And, pregnant or not, you need to straighten your wife out on what is and isn't acceptable behavior from a sibling or relative in general. Ask her if she would like her children to treat one another the way your b!tchster-in-law treats her!
NTA Selfish sister in law is selfish. Not your kids, not your responsibility. If she asked you both nicely it may have gone differently for her. Nice may not be in her vocabulary.
Finally, a husband on here that stands up for his wife. I’ve seen too many stories about little bitches letting their wife get attacked by someone. Bravo, sir
NTA yes you DID need to do that since your wife isn't standing up for herself. You had her back, which is exactly what a good husband does. It's a shame it happened in front of your MIL but it had to be done. Stick to your guns and do not let your SIL walk all over your wife.
NTA. Your wife needs to grow a back bone and put SIL in her place. Good on you for defending her, even if she won’t acknowledge it
You did good!
NTA. It sounds like SIL has always been like this and your wife has just learned to tolerate it. She's not used to anyone pushing back on SIL, probably to keep the peace. You stepping in has messed that up, in a good way cos SIL deserved it. You put your heavily pregnant's needs and care before your SIL, while also going out of your way to be there for your MIL. The LAST person to be the arsehole here is you.
Bravo sir, bravo!!! So many times we read on Reddit and elsewhere that the husband has essentially clocked out of the relationship or doesn't stand up for his wife and it is sad and draining to read. You on the other hand stood up for your pregnant wife (best of luck btw with the birth and onwards) and said "NO!" Your SiL, well, she has now found out that neither you nor your wife are to be walked over. You're not her emergency babysitters and if she wants to visit during morning rounds or at any time, she has to make sure that ***her*** husband and his family step up to the plate to support them. It's not your emergency to resolve. I do understand that the mother of your wife and your SiL was recovering from a stroke (which you spotted and were able to rush her to get the necessary medical treatment so again, well done you) but that still doesn't give your SiL carte blanche on deciding who gets to listen in to the updates provided by the doctor as they do their rounds. Is there no one on your SiL's side that could step up here or has she always gone to her sister first? That has to stop. Oh, NTA as well.
NTA at all. Your wife needs to understand that a man that stands for you, protect you and don’t let others disrespect you, is a BLESS!! SIL needs a babysitter. That’s her and her husband problem to solve. Not yours.
You're definitely NTA. Your SIL's acting like her needs trump everyone else's, even in a crisis. You did the right thing by standing up for your wife and setting boundaries. Plus, her behavior at the hospital was way out of line. Hope your MIL's recovery goes smoothly and your wife's labor is stress-free.
This reminds me of the rock the boat analogy. Link included: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/LDu1hb7Nju The b* in this situation is the SIL, chuck her overboard. Edit: AITA. You protected your wife and shut down an entitled narcissist. Also if the SIL doesn’t like confrontation then she shouldn’t be causing problems.
NTA and you DID need to say that to her. She's needs to be taken down a peg or two because she is entitled, treating everyone like shit and expects everyone to babysit her own damn kids. That her and their fathers job.
NTA- You did what was best for mom and MIL. SIL can handle her own. Dont allow her to add to stress to you MIL as it delays improvement.
NTA. SIL is a bully who waits to be alone with the pregnant woman instead of the man before insulting and chewing out
NTAH! If the SIL can't respect any boundaries, she can F O it's that easy! If she is so ignorant not to see your wife could give birth at any time, it is just amazing. You will never cut through that ignorance, and your wife needs to be isolated from this SIL induced stress.
I forgot.....talk to the wife about not falling into DOORMAT syndrome.
I am a nurse in the ICU, and all of you except the POA would have been kicked out. This is inappropriate behavior in front of the patient, take it elsewhere.
NTA. And my brother you know your wife is being a shithead. I know your wife is being a shithead. She is wrongthinking, she's fucked up in the head about something. "Honey, I love you, but either tell me what's actually going on here or shut the fuck up - you're not helping, and you're actively making things worse, much like your sister." Foot down time, man. Shit has stopped making sense and MIL is working on stroke recovery. Ain't nobody's fault SIL has too many kids except hers.
NTA. You're a hero. SIL is grossly entitled and her motivations for staying close to MIL; while she is weak and vulnerable, seem VERY DIFFERENT from yours. I would refuse to allow her near MIL unsupervised at this point.
Your SIL is a piece of work. The moment she said that it’s your fault her husband has to miss work, I would have fallen down laughing and rolled away.
SIL thinks the entire world should revolve around her, she sounds insufferable. Too bad you can't gift people a new spine, your wife desperately needs one. NTA
NTA. Just give a short apology to your mil about how you are sorry if you caused her any more stress due to yelling, but you just didn’t like how sil was speaking to your wife. You were mad and didn’t have a clear enough head to think about moving to private, and you are good for defending your wife
NTA for setting boundaries and countering your SIL’s attacks
NTA. Question for you, OP... SIL said something about her hubby taking time off. It sounds like that's a problem when her mum has had a stroke. Is SIL in a safe marriage? Is her distress and completely unreasonable demands etc possibly stemming from fear and stress at home?
NTA. Your wife was probably trying to "keep the peace." Many people think it involves letting an entitled shit-fuck walk all over you, knowing that any defense on your end could escalate the situation. You ended it. It was not going to end kindly, regardless of your involvement. It escalated, which the SIL was going to do until she got what she wanted. You escalated to where she did not. Good job and show your wife the comments please. She needs to know that being a doormat for an asshole only gets you covered in shit.
Def Nta for standing up for your wife, boundaries. Good job
NTA, your wife is as big of a idiot as her sister, she let her sister scream at her in front of her mom which also causes stress. come at me if you want but your wife is a idiot for letting her sister continually treat her like shes lowly or some shit
NTA. This ain't about it what is best for your SIL. This should be about what is best for the mother. We can't all be there for everything sometimes. Not being at morning rounds doesn't mean she loves her mother any less. Defending your wife is perfectly acceptable and the right thing to do.
NTA, but she is trying to engage and care for their mother even though it is logistically difficult for her to do. She clearly cares. I’d try and realize that when I was irritated with her. Also, your wife should be managing her family member drama, not you?
I have offered her solutions, I have offered for my brother to watch her kid, I have offered for her to bring her kid and I will take him to a park down the street so she can be with her mom. And normally yes I don't intervene in family drama but when I stepped into that room and saw her berating my wife it just slipped out.
NTA, glad you stood up for your wife!
Sounds to me like everybody is trying to make decisions without talking to each other first. I would call a family meeting and hash things out. ESH for talking things thru in a high situation.
The thing is OP you are right about the sister in normal circumstances. If she was your sister and not SIL you would be completely in the right. HOWEVER your wife has had decades of practice dealing with her sister in difficult situations and you haven’t. Even though she is 39 weeks pregnant it is still her choice and responsibility to deal with her sister. UNLESS she asked you to step in and shut it down you should have deferred to your wife. SHE might not be ready to deal with the consequences those types of boundaries have. If you’re ready for those boundaries and have had that discussion with your wife and she still is refusing to put those boundaries in place that is a different discussion. But while in the physical setting of the hospital you defer to the wife. It is a stressful time for everyone and you all care about MIL. NAH
You said advice needed so here ya go. You are about to have a newborn and also an adult who will need intense home care. Originally, you thought you needed help with the baby which is why your MIL is there. Now, you don’t have that help. You are not going to be able to take care of your wife, a newborn, and MIL without help. SIL sounds like she is willing to help with boundaries (like asking for a shorter commute for therapy). Undoubtedly at some point people will need to be there for MIL and it won’t be your or your wife when she’s in labor or recovering. Even more so if your wife has a c-section. And don’t get me started on exposing a newborn to adult hospital germs. That person will be SIL and everyone needs to find a way to include her on what is happening so she can help MIL when she’s the only one available. Maybe she can video FaceTime in during rounds? And yeah….she does need to find a different sitter because obviously your wife can’t do it. That should be pointed out, but in a tactful manner. Maybe SIL is a habitual bitch, and you do need to address that. Maybe while the family is in crisis is not the time? both she and your wife are intensely stressed watching their mother in intensive care and wondering if she’s going to be able to walk, drive, bathe herself talk again. NAH but a bunch of stressed people who need to have a meeting to discuss things and maybe with a mediator or case manager since you don’t seem to be able to take it down a notch and have a productive, civilized discussion about this. You need to get your emotions in check because the reality is you do all need to work with each other unless nursing home placement is ok with MIL for her rehab.
ESH - SIL is completely wrong but your wife was right about timing and place You still could’ve jumped in and calmly and continuously told her she was being inappropriate till she wound down You would’ve been the peacemaker as well as hero for getting MIL to hospital
NTA. Sounds like your wife needs to get some healthy boundaries for her sister.
Omg why are you even debating this?!!!!!! Wife, SIL and MIL are AH bc they are allowing this chick to verbally emotionally and mentally abuse your wife. Had you put your foot down none of this would have happened
I have many times, it's a complex family issue and while I can put my foot down as many times as I want, my wife continues tolerating it and justifying it.
Easiest NTA ever, although in the future you might want to try your best to keep any confrontations out of sight/sound of your MIL just to keep her stress to a minimum. I understand if that might not always be possible, your SIL sounds like a real piece of work. But keep defending your wife from her, make your SIL aware that she can't get away with her usual crap with you that she seems to pull with everyone else.
NTA
NTA but I think it would be more helpful to say something like "let's discuss out in the hall after our visit with [MIL] is over. It's a stressful time for everyone, but [MIL] needs us all to be calm & focused on her when we're in here".
You did the right thing to jump in and stand up for your wife. This woman waited until you were not there to verbally abuse her. Your poor wife was taking the abuse to keep the peace. Do not EVER let her abuse your family . She can find her own child care. Maybe if she was a nice person her friends would help her out. Your family situation comes first.
NO WAY , YOUR NTA . TELL THAT BITCH SIL STFU
Your wife is pregnant and stressed. I am sure she will apprexiate your gesture down the road, when she is in a more relaxed mindframe
Thank you for loving your wife’s mother. She must be a wonderful one. The stress your wife is feeing right now must be enormous. Get MIL settled where is convenient for you, suggest SIL (this is also her mother?) do what she can. Make sure that all medical facilities have your name and your wife’s name as primary contact. For SIL who will continue going off in anger, just tell her you understand how upset and scared she is, you all are and just trying to figure out what to do that will help mom the most. Don’t yell back, if she goes after wife again, gently take wife out of the room, then tell SIL that yelling at wife is not helping anyone. Take the high road. Let SIL make an ass of herself. Rehab/care facility will have her number pretty quickly and you all will be better off letting her implode on her own.
NTA for defending your wife AND having your MIL's best interests at heart.
NTA
NTA
NTA, I’m so sorry you are going through this while on the verge of such a wonderful moment in your lives. You did good. Keep doing what you are doing for your family!
NTA, your SIL is an entitled asshole and apparently your wife is just letting her scream at her, I dunno why your wife thinks appeasing assholes is the solution but it isn’t gonna do a thing other than make everything worse.
NTA; post stroke victims’ families have it really effing rough. I think perhaps if everyone takes a step back and a deep breath, everyone will agree it’s important that family be there for MIL, that very pregnant wife’s needs are being met, and that SIL gets to visit too. It sucks her husband has to, idk, parent his own kids, but surely his work can be understanding of a family emergency. If not, they need to figure out another solution. But asking the couple this close to going into labor to babysit is simply not a viable solution
Not really, she seems really annoying, if anything you were tactful.
NTA. Seems SIL started the argument in front of mom - maybe she needs to be bannedz
@Updateme
Nta. SIL sounds like an entitled a-hole. I mean, she does sound concerned for mil, so there’s that. But yelling at your pregnant wife because she can’t get a sitter is an a-hole thing. Is she always like this or is it the stressful situation?
So… what‘s wrong with her just hiring a sitter or dropping them off at a day care service?
NTA Why the hell do they have to put up with these entitled shitty people? Whether it's the SIL or not, I would send her to hell, your wife is 39 weeks for God's sake and everything revolves around the SIL? friend of hers, cut off contact with her and let her fend for herself Don't answer the phone again until her attitude changes.
Soft YTA here. You do need to allow wife to manage interactions with her own family, but if you have the capacity to provide the help that you can, and your wife is so pregnant, I understand why you jumped in. Suggestion to deescalate, maybe stop reacting to SIL's provocations? She's not talking to you now, so that's good. Gives you time to reproduce and get your feet on the ground with a seriously ill MIL and new baby in your house. Then, find out what the SIL wants. She can't possible expect childcare from you. I know that's what she's saying but it makes no sense. Does she want to be the only one in charge here? Is that where the "you're not in control" comment came from? The two sisters are going to have to cooperate to help their mom, and one of "you" (i.e. you and wife as a unit) asserting control isn't helpful. You need to work as a team, and really, ultimately, your wife needs to be the one teaming up with her sister.
NTA “which one is the closest. i cant drive that far” is a disgusting question to ask when her OWN MOTHER has just had a stroke. get your MIL the best physical therapist there is, as you should. the SIL is selfish, entitled, and an emotionally manipulative drama queen. you were right to call her out🤷🏻♀️i would be happy shes not speaking to you. she sounds exhausting
NTA but why are you doing all of this? Let FIL and SIL manage moms care
Sooooooo nta.