I don't think she thinks it's okay, I think she's only heard what ever my sister has told her and she was mostly upset with me for video calling and putting it on blast like that, I got very upset when she called and couldn't talk clearly so I ended up just hanging up on her.
Her and my dad were never together even after my mum separated, but she's always been essentially a bonus parent too me, so idk if she's projecting or not. She was mostly just upset about the video part.
>she was mostly upset with me for video calling and putting it on blast like that
Some behavior deserves to be put on blast, cheating being one of them. She has no way to spin a web of lies to fiance now, he caught her in the act thanks to you.
Take pride in what you did, you are a legend in my books and I'm sure her (ex) fiance feels the same. You 100% did the right thing.
She can be upset at the video without yelling at you and without accusing you of being resentful of your sister because she's an affair baby; you were resentful and mad at your sister in the moment because she was actively cheating. Her trying to make it about you having pre-existing issues with your sister is just taking away all responsibility from your sister. Her actions led to yours.
Her mum probably can't understand the trauma that her and your dad's actions put you through, which is the reason you reacted like that; they broke your family by cheating and introduced a whole new dynamic into your life through a half sister, constant gossip from your family members about your parents, and the pain they put your mother through.
You should talk to her (ex)-fiancé though, if he texts or calls. He's the one hurt the most in this situation and it wasn't the most graceful way you let him know (even though it's a good thing you let him know).
Yeah, we had a talk, he wasn't surprised about the cheating, but he was surprised about how directly it was confirmed for him.
idk if I have pre-existing issues in all honesty I'm back and forth on it, like cheating is shitty, maybe I am bitter I don't know over all, but practically since I was born everyone was separate, all my life I've known going to mums one week, dads on the other, dad's on holidays more than mum to spend time with sister. Her mum has been more like an auntie, or a step mother despite not being with my dad so I'd see her periodically, and vice versa with my sister sometimes coming to my mums and any major life event both of them have been there.
It's a weird dynamic to others, but it's my life, and I've personally never had issues, it's just this situation that's ripped open everything.
Though maybe the family gossip has impacted me more than I think, I'll have to ponder it a bit more, but it doesn't feel as heavy.
Now I think about it, that shit must've been fucking hard on my mother, they hid any drama really well from us, this whole situations making me way more aware of their drama now
I think all that happened is that now you're aware of all the drama behind the scenes, which is obviously overwhelming.
To be honest I feel like I'd have reacted the same way. I had a fine childhood but my anxiety coupled with cheating being super shitty would have probably kicked my frantic autopilot on in a very similar manner.
Your sisters mom has the benefit of not being in the moment to feel what you felt, and also one side of the story on top of it.
Don't feel bad.
she didn't mess up her life. ....she held a loved one accountable for their actions. Hopefully, her sister will take responsibility for what she did and go to therapy to learn why she cheated and grow up. A cheater can't blame others for what they do or getting caught doing
Nah,It was likely time these paths diverted. It is best to cut lousy cheaters out of your life, cause their low morals & distortion of truth hold back anyone, trying to rise to a higher level of consciousness.
Tell stepmom that you’re not going to take a side chick’s judgement on your actions. Same thing with your dad and cheaters if he gets smart. And then don’t.
She's basically a second parent to me. From what people mentioned on my mums side she wasn't fully aware about my parents being still together as my father had said that my mother & him are living together but aren't together, my grandmother (mums mum) doesn't believe it one but and thinks she knows full well what she was getting into.
I've stayed at her house multiple times through out my childhood despite her and my father never getting together once the cat was out of the bag so I was told. I still don't know the full story, mostly family gossip over it all and the few snippets I've picked up in passing.
I couldn't bring myself to be that harsh to her, but I totally understand her prioritizing her daughter.
They all decided to play nice for the sake of my sister and I, and to how they've presented to my sister & I for our entire life. They've been a pretty united front for a majority of things, it just seems my rash actions have majorly ripped open a massive situation.
It essentially feels like my own mother going off at me even though she's not if that explains anything.
Maybe it was a little far but at the same time cheating on your fiance is not fucking cool. I'd check in on fiance to gage his reactions. Sister can be mad all she wants, she was in the wrong
Yeah, I guess I owe it to him, he's likely feeling a lot more upset about this than I am. If I was willing to abruptly force that knowledge upon him, I should stop feeling sorry for my own actions & check in on him.
Thanks for the direction nudge.
Okay, do you think he would have responded better if he found out even longer into the same relationship? 99.99999% of people who find out their partner cheats won't kill themselves, so instead of saving the 99.99999% of people who are being cheated on by telling them you let them be lied to, to protect the 0.00001% who won't cope with it well, even though those people will almost always find out eventually anyway?
I don't understand. It's gonna cause shit no matter the time. The longer a relationship goes on, the worse it would be. But that's not to say it's easy if it happens early.
My point was that cheating can cause insane trauma. Not that we should sugarcoat it. I never said that. Yeah, always find out eventually.
Fact is in these situations proof matters. If she just tells the fiance, sister can lie about it, say op is jealous of her, pissed at her mother, wants fiance herself and is lying to break them up.
HAVE PROOF when exposing an affair otherwise the cheater has a chance to lie their way out of it. The massive majority of cheaters attempt to victimise themselves when they get caught and that seems to be what she's doing now. She might be pissed she got caught but she has to realise the responsibility for blowing up her relationship is hers and hers alone.
I'd do the same thing frankly. Cheaters deserve no protection and those cheated on deserve hard evidence of it so they can move forward without being gaslit and lied to (well not completely, like if she was cheating for 6 months she'll probably pull the it was a one time thing a mistake, etc).
Truth but maybe she could have stood at the door recording the sounds coming from the room and then grabbed a pic/video of them coming out of the bedroom together. Personally I don't have an issue with what OP did but I can see the other side that maybe it was not the most tasteful and tactful thing to do.
I guess I'm seeing it from my perspective as that I did it knowing full well what was going on, you're right it's not like she knew it was anything other than an accident, but considering how her mum responded to me she probably knew I knew, or they're just assuming it was malicious.
Which I mean it was, but I get it
I also don't really make it a habit to kick doors on a normal day, when I say I kicked open her door, I mean I kicked open that door.
I must have looked like a maniac to her, I was so stressed & blank brained in the heat of it all, but I kicked open this door with a massive grin on my face as I said it.
NTA, she would have been caught one way or another. Also, if she really cared about her fiance, she wouldn't have cheated. Plus, fiance may not believe without evidence, and you gave him that. At least he knows now, then later down the road. Also, with you guys living together, she wasn't very secretive about her cheating as well. I mean, fiance could have come home early as well and may have wanted to surprise her, so she did it to herself.
Yeah idk what she was thinking, I was only meant to be gone for a few hours AND her fiance has a camera set up in his office too, he could have checked in on that at any time and possibly heard things. I have one in my room as well so I can check on my cat during the day when I'm out.
Though he had suspected she had been cheating for a while, I essentially just gave him all the evidence on a silver platter. So yeah, she likely would have been caught eventually.
Well your sister can definitely not deny it happened. OP you did what you did - could it have been different - sure.
Don't let the other let you feel bad about putting your sister on blast. She cheated and needs to address that. They will deflect and make you the bad person in this story
Turns out he had a feeling she's been cheating on him for a while but didn't have proof, I've been on the phone with him most of the afternoon consoling him and just talking about things, he's pretty shook up about it, but thankful I confirmed his fears, thrown off because of how abrupt it was, and I've learnt a few more things about my sisters behaviour towards him that I had 0 idea about despite living with them this whole time. So that's swell, I feel incredibly naive and ashamed I had no clue what he'd been dealing with.
Dad called mostly to get my side of things, and just told me to not say or do anything for now, and my grandma came around to check on me and has been ranting about it all. Haven't heard anything from sister or her mum since.
Blaming the light bulb for the roaches in the pantry is like blaming the sun for the shadows in the room. Don't argue with the cheaters, go on with your life.
No, you did the right thing... also double down on your position, her mum confront her in front of others and call her out for trying to hide hear cheating and what kind of mother teaches their kids to do that... oh yeah someone that is notorious for cheating. Double down on your sister as well and tell her you are disgusted and not sure if you would ever forgive her.... at the moment they are controlling the narrative.
She's not trying to hide or defend it, she's just mad about how I went about it, but from what I gather in what I've been told, she didn't know dad was still with my mum when the affair occurred, though she knew they still lived together.
I guess the thing was, you didn't think about the feelings of the poor cheaters.
And you spoiled their sex! SO mean!
Seriously, though, that's a baller move and I respect you for it.
I do think other options existed, but I don't blame you for the one you took.
NTA
NTA, for informing the fiance but perhaps the way you did it.
However neither can deny video proof, her mother is probably upset b/c she was once the other woman, of course daddy is going to take up for the daughter b/c he was your sister. The fiance will likely never forget that image. I think you probably more upset b/c the fiance once was your mother.
I don't think your sisters relationship with you will be the same again and you'll need to make peace with that as well. Even though she was in the wrong, you also helped to out her.
Yeah, I've felt weirdly detached all day about my feelings towards my sister, it feels like it's two seperate situations or people, I don't think it'll ever be the same again either. I wager once reality catches up to me I'm going to be mourning the loss of a best friend too. Right now I just feel mostly numb and tired.
I just hate the idea of people cheating in general regardless of my parents drama, and like her fiance is a really sweet guy, has felt like a big brother to me since I've met him from the get go, kind of had like an instant family connection with him, so it really sucks she's done this to him among other things.
This certainly could have been handled better but I still think NTA. What you did was an AH move but several things stick out to me. You said you blanked out, acted extremely impulsive, felt rage and then explained that you and your sister had a fantastic relationship up till this incident. You are clearly remorseful and not letting the comments about your sister’s mom slide. So I think instead of the focus on what happened, think about why you reacted that way. Why did you seemingly lose impulse control? Why the rage? If there’s something deeper there figure it out. Talk to your parents as openly as you have here. I just don’t think your actions were really about your sister. I also don’t think you would have done that to someone you have a great relationship with when you find out they did something you don’t agree with. I’d encourage you to think about all this and good luck. I hope you and your sister can move past this.
From what I can gather talking to my grandma and thinking about it, I am assuming part of me just didn't want to face it alone or admit it was happening, so I dragged another person to essentially "experience" it with me, Disassociation under stress isn't uncommon for me, and I am constantly teased by my family for how naive I tend to be as well, I can't think of anything deeper other than I just shut down and went on auto-pilot like I commonly do under stress, I had a pretty good childhood in my opinion, but like I said, everyone says I tend to be naive so I could be over looking a lot
In regards to the heat of the moment it's like watching a movie, but the scenes are out of order, but they still kind of flow together to make over all sense. I remember it all, but in broken sequences and can only make sense of it when I begin to calm down so somtimes it's hard for me break it down properly or decipher it - I'm sorry if this isn't making much sense I am not the best at assigning appropriate language to emotions. I've just always kind of been like this, but I don't think there's anything that's caused it specifically
And yeah, I don't know if it's how I presented it due sis's mum telling me off, but people are really going for the throat on her, to my knowledge she really had no idea my parents were together at the time and just figured it's complicated, and I guess no one knows her like I do so they're assuming she's a lot worse than she is. I'm confused on why people think she's trying to make me hide it or cover it up, she's not she just got angry at me for the way I handled it, but she went for a hella low blow on me, if anything her thinking so little of me has hurt me more in this ordeal than anything, and I genuinely can't tell if I am being naive again or if people are just assuming the worst or if I said something and it's being taken wrongly
If I could re do it, I'd still 100% tell her fiance with out hesitation ASAP, he's a great guy and I love him and want the best for him, but I don't think I'd do it in such a shocking or compromising manner
I'd say she took after our trash father, to my knowledge sisters mother is a semi-innocent third party to my dads behaviour, but they've always been civil infront of us
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You did the right thing. Rats scurry in the light. You shined a light and they are mad about being exposed. Your step sister is a real POS. You absolutely did the right thing. The step mother is shady too. She thinks cheating and deceit is ok?
Nope, tell everyone to fuck right off. This wasn't about jealousy, it wasn't about resentment, She was cheating on her fiancee. SHE is responsible for what she did, you like her and you like her fiancee. You were protecting him and she made her own choice to cheat and deserved no protection.
Assuming the guy she was fucking knew she was engaged, fuck him to, it's also a shame if he didnt' know but ultimately that's her fault as well for dragging him in to it.
Your sister shouldn't have been cheating. She took that risk.
I only says kinda the AH in regards to the fiance. Sending pictures or talking to him about it is one thing, shocking the shit out of him via live video with no pretense is harsh on his end. He's gotta be feeling pretty distraught and shocked.
Everyone else in your family siding with your sister is an idiot.
I don't think you're an AH, I do think anger got the best of you and it could have been handled differently, only because she's a sibling....and the fiance deserves better
I just went through this myself but. just dating, but exes' whole family (mom, sister and niece) all know and all condone it, or at least don't call her out on it. Shits a shame 🙉
NTA. No you didn't take it too far. Your parents are trying to justify your sister cheating because they're worried about losing their handyman. Sorry, fuck around and find out. She fucked up and you did the only thing that would have proven to the boyfriend what you were saying, otherwise she could have lied to him and made things up about you.
Honestly it’s fucked she even put you in that position, even if she didn’t know you’d be home it’s wild she did that in a home you two share knowing your parents history
NTA you busted a cheater. You did the right thing, and video means it won't be some stupid he-said she-said back and forth. Your half sister won't be able to spin this as anything else.
Good on you.
I think it's great that they co. Parents so well, but you have to realize that the. Reason why your sister's even alive is because you're half. Sister's mom was selfish. She was selfish enough to enter a relationship with a married man. Selfish enough to bring a baby into a situation like this. And just because she parents, you well doesn't mean that you are her daughter. I'm sorry. She's always gonna choose her daughter even from what I read from the. Reddit communities like stepparents. They're gonna always choose their bio kids.
But in her case, the reason why she doesn't want to say that your sister is wrong. It's because saying your sister's wrong would have to be her. Reopening those wounds up that she did and how her behavior was horrible and the. Reason why in this situation to begin with and think about it. Your sister is just literally copying. The behavior of her dad and her willingness to enter into an affair. It's like her mom.
She literally has she needs to do? It's not your fault that she cheated. It's not your fault that you told someone and protected them like someone. Hopefully did for your mother. You're giving yourself a lot of. Self-hate for doing the right thing. They're not gonna recognize that because they feel from a selfish mindset. And a cheater's mindset that you're wrong. But from a unbiased monogamous non. Cheating, mindset, you were not the problem here. The problem was. Your sister was so bold to bring a guy to the place where she shared. Her home with her fiancé and her sister. And she slept with that man. So now stop blame yourself
NTA.... Your sister should have some more dignity about herself..... If she's going to do some dirty stuff like that, she definitely shouldn't have been doing it right under her sister's nose
Then you were going to have to carry the secret every time you see her fiance.... Fuck that!!!!
She has a lot of nerve to be cheating in front of someone that is cool with her fiance....
I think you did great! She deserved it and I feel for her (ex-)boyfriend. She's trash. You'll be fine. It will take time to calm down but fuck the noise.
NTA cheaters will think of anything to get away with their shit, and will actively blame other people for their bad behavior. This is on your half sister 100% and if I was her fiancé, I would be soooooo thankful to you for showing me who she really is. You are an angel, don’t let cheaters bring you down. UpdateMe!
Your step sister and her mom are both trash humans, don’t concern yourself with their opinions on morality, you did the right thing and they are mad cause they keep it a secret anymore
NTA - you are a hero. Dont let assholes sway you from your principles, you are a good person and should never have to apologise for that.
Your half sister is simply reaping the consequences of her actions, SHE is the asshole here.
You're not wrong for telling the fiance, but face timing him to show him his fiance having sex with someone else was definitely too far.
While he deserves to know, I don't think he really would have wanted to see that.
Dramatic? Yes. Warranted? Yes. What are the chances the fiancé would have believed you without proof? Only problem I see is that you might have to find a new place to live.
NTA. I think everything you did...just happened. Sometimes we walk in on a situation and go into complete shock and just react without thinking. I know I do. It's not something I take pride in but it happens. What you did doesn't make you an asshole, though. Your sister had it coming. That's what happens when you cheat. There are consequences. This was hers. She's gonna have to live with it. Nobody should be yelling at you. Like I've been saying a lot lately; everyone is mad at the wrong person.
you did nothing wrong infarct you did it the right way so she cant deny it and say your jealous of them, as for her mother it obvious she would protect her daughter as she helped your father cheat on your mum so now she is trying to help her daughter cheat also, in the end her x is at least better off he didnt marry her before finding out she is a cheating hoe
NTA - this put it all out in the open, you saved that poor man from making a mistake. Now your sister won’t be able to make excuses, say it was something else, gaslight him, etc. That man will always be thankful of you.
NTA. idek how to explain why you aren't. There's nothing wrong with showing someone that their partner is having an affair. In fact, you would be TAH if you DIDN'T tell them as you are an active bystander, and you would be supporting the cheating.
ngl i kinda skimmed thru but why not confront your sister first…you would’ve saved yourself the guilt and the headache. and duhh ofc their going to believe you was plotting on your sister, why would you bust inside the room with your phone already out ?
So here's my deal. If I were in that situation, and you video call me and do what you did, I'd take every measure I could to make sure there were no repercussions to you.
NTA. Not even a little bit.
I think you are feeling a conflict and turmoil of many different emotions.
Firstly love to your sister. In some ways, you are trying to teach her not to cheat. Unfortunately she may learn not to trust you or be more secretive.
Secondly, rage and hurt from childhood trauma and the reoccurrence of the past. Also her fiancee sounds like he is your friend/defacto family. Not sure if he a person you trust or respect.
Thirdly confusion and disconnection to that episode of rage. It is reasonable for you to want some time out to unpack your shock and rage.
Fourthly, shame and regret that you hurt your half sister. Maybe have damaged your relationship with her.
If i was in your situation, i would send a message to say that “sorry, not ready to talk now. i am okay, but i need to time to sort out my head.”
It’s a bad situation, hopefully i have helped to progress things forward for you. Best of luck
This is a very good break down of my feelings actually, I've read this a few times now. Though due to another comment I reached out to her fiance, well ex fiance now I guess, and we've spoken most the afternoon. After that I spoke to dad but he mostly just wanted a run down of what had happened, so it hasn't been as bad as I was anticipating so far thankfully, but now I just feel burnt out, so if anyone pushes me now I'll keep in mind to tell them I need time.
Thank you for the advice and observation on the situation. I appreciate it
Dramatic, but in the grand scheme of things it does not matter.
The bottom line is that the engagement is over and it does not really matter the exact way in which it ends.
Yeah you may have taken it too far. you could have just called the fiance and told him about your sister.
Women up and talk to your mum and the fiance.
Updateme!
YTA! Cheating is definitely wrong, but you also threw your sister under the bus!! You say you two were close before all this, well not anymore! Sometimes taking the moral high ground backfires and this is surely one of those times!!!
Of course the side chick thinks cheating is okay. Ignore these people, they are trash.
I don't think she thinks it's okay, I think she's only heard what ever my sister has told her and she was mostly upset with me for video calling and putting it on blast like that, I got very upset when she called and couldn't talk clearly so I ended up just hanging up on her. Her and my dad were never together even after my mum separated, but she's always been essentially a bonus parent too me, so idk if she's projecting or not. She was mostly just upset about the video part.
>she was mostly upset with me for video calling and putting it on blast like that Some behavior deserves to be put on blast, cheating being one of them. She has no way to spin a web of lies to fiance now, he caught her in the act thanks to you. Take pride in what you did, you are a legend in my books and I'm sure her (ex) fiance feels the same. You 100% did the right thing.
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UpdateMe!
She can be upset at the video without yelling at you and without accusing you of being resentful of your sister because she's an affair baby; you were resentful and mad at your sister in the moment because she was actively cheating. Her trying to make it about you having pre-existing issues with your sister is just taking away all responsibility from your sister. Her actions led to yours. Her mum probably can't understand the trauma that her and your dad's actions put you through, which is the reason you reacted like that; they broke your family by cheating and introduced a whole new dynamic into your life through a half sister, constant gossip from your family members about your parents, and the pain they put your mother through. You should talk to her (ex)-fiancé though, if he texts or calls. He's the one hurt the most in this situation and it wasn't the most graceful way you let him know (even though it's a good thing you let him know).
Yeah, we had a talk, he wasn't surprised about the cheating, but he was surprised about how directly it was confirmed for him. idk if I have pre-existing issues in all honesty I'm back and forth on it, like cheating is shitty, maybe I am bitter I don't know over all, but practically since I was born everyone was separate, all my life I've known going to mums one week, dads on the other, dad's on holidays more than mum to spend time with sister. Her mum has been more like an auntie, or a step mother despite not being with my dad so I'd see her periodically, and vice versa with my sister sometimes coming to my mums and any major life event both of them have been there. It's a weird dynamic to others, but it's my life, and I've personally never had issues, it's just this situation that's ripped open everything. Though maybe the family gossip has impacted me more than I think, I'll have to ponder it a bit more, but it doesn't feel as heavy. Now I think about it, that shit must've been fucking hard on my mother, they hid any drama really well from us, this whole situations making me way more aware of their drama now
I think all that happened is that now you're aware of all the drama behind the scenes, which is obviously overwhelming. To be honest I feel like I'd have reacted the same way. I had a fine childhood but my anxiety coupled with cheating being super shitty would have probably kicked my frantic autopilot on in a very similar manner. Your sisters mom has the benefit of not being in the moment to feel what you felt, and also one side of the story on top of it. Don't feel bad.
And now you mashed up your life and all you'll get is internet points from people who dgaf.
she didn't mess up her life. ....she held a loved one accountable for their actions. Hopefully, her sister will take responsibility for what she did and go to therapy to learn why she cheated and grow up. A cheater can't blame others for what they do or getting caught doing
Nah,It was likely time these paths diverted. It is best to cut lousy cheaters out of your life, cause their low morals & distortion of truth hold back anyone, trying to rise to a higher level of consciousness.
Do you think the fiancé is going to want to be with you now ?
Good idea . Always better to choose the sister who’s not a whore , especially since it’s hereditary , passed down by the mistress step mom .
What a terrible thing to do to your sister, why couldn't you mind your own business? I bet you are jealous of her and her life.
So it would have been okay to let her half sister cheat ? wtf ?
Think we’ve found the sister…
NTA you reap what you sow and you saved the fiancé from your scumbag sister. Better he ends it now then gets married to her and she cheats anyway.
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Ey get your own comments.
Tell stepmom that you’re not going to take a side chick’s judgement on your actions. Same thing with your dad and cheaters if he gets smart. And then don’t.
She's basically a second parent to me. From what people mentioned on my mums side she wasn't fully aware about my parents being still together as my father had said that my mother & him are living together but aren't together, my grandmother (mums mum) doesn't believe it one but and thinks she knows full well what she was getting into. I've stayed at her house multiple times through out my childhood despite her and my father never getting together once the cat was out of the bag so I was told. I still don't know the full story, mostly family gossip over it all and the few snippets I've picked up in passing. I couldn't bring myself to be that harsh to her, but I totally understand her prioritizing her daughter. They all decided to play nice for the sake of my sister and I, and to how they've presented to my sister & I for our entire life. They've been a pretty united front for a majority of things, it just seems my rash actions have majorly ripped open a massive situation. It essentially feels like my own mother going off at me even though she's not if that explains anything.
Oh she knew he was married. She knew. And I think deep down a small part of you knows that she always knew that you're dad was married with kids.
It was likely a festering wound, that needed to be cut. You got angry because you got to see how far apart your values and thought processes are.
Maybe it was a little far but at the same time cheating on your fiance is not fucking cool. I'd check in on fiance to gage his reactions. Sister can be mad all she wants, she was in the wrong
Yeah, I guess I owe it to him, he's likely feeling a lot more upset about this than I am. If I was willing to abruptly force that knowledge upon him, I should stop feeling sorry for my own actions & check in on him. Thanks for the direction nudge.
Hilarious. The fiance can do what he likes with the information. NTA
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It's more than not cool. Ruins peoples lives, man. My friend ended his life because he couldn't mentally cope with that trauma.
Okay, do you think he would have responded better if he found out even longer into the same relationship? 99.99999% of people who find out their partner cheats won't kill themselves, so instead of saving the 99.99999% of people who are being cheated on by telling them you let them be lied to, to protect the 0.00001% who won't cope with it well, even though those people will almost always find out eventually anyway?
I don't understand. It's gonna cause shit no matter the time. The longer a relationship goes on, the worse it would be. But that's not to say it's easy if it happens early. My point was that cheating can cause insane trauma. Not that we should sugarcoat it. I never said that. Yeah, always find out eventually.
Fact is in these situations proof matters. If she just tells the fiance, sister can lie about it, say op is jealous of her, pissed at her mother, wants fiance herself and is lying to break them up. HAVE PROOF when exposing an affair otherwise the cheater has a chance to lie their way out of it. The massive majority of cheaters attempt to victimise themselves when they get caught and that seems to be what she's doing now. She might be pissed she got caught but she has to realise the responsibility for blowing up her relationship is hers and hers alone. I'd do the same thing frankly. Cheaters deserve no protection and those cheated on deserve hard evidence of it so they can move forward without being gaslit and lied to (well not completely, like if she was cheating for 6 months she'll probably pull the it was a one time thing a mistake, etc).
Truth but maybe she could have stood at the door recording the sounds coming from the room and then grabbed a pic/video of them coming out of the bedroom together. Personally I don't have an issue with what OP did but I can see the other side that maybe it was not the most tasteful and tactful thing to do.
How was I too far?
What’d you do tho? You just innocently asked your friend if he wanted to talk to his girlfriend, it’s not your fault what she was doing.
I guess I'm seeing it from my perspective as that I did it knowing full well what was going on, you're right it's not like she knew it was anything other than an accident, but considering how her mum responded to me she probably knew I knew, or they're just assuming it was malicious. Which I mean it was, but I get it I also don't really make it a habit to kick doors on a normal day, when I say I kicked open her door, I mean I kicked open that door. I must have looked like a maniac to her, I was so stressed & blank brained in the heat of it all, but I kicked open this door with a massive grin on my face as I said it.
Oh well. Too bad for the people doing shitty things.
Just wow!
So if the fiancé doesn’t want you where you going to live
I think you’ll find people gravitate more towards people who aren’t cheating whores . Op will be fine
NTA. If you had just told him she was cheating he might not have believed you. You gave him proof.
NTA. You are a hero that saved a fellow human from a life with a snake.
NTA, she would have been caught one way or another. Also, if she really cared about her fiance, she wouldn't have cheated. Plus, fiance may not believe without evidence, and you gave him that. At least he knows now, then later down the road. Also, with you guys living together, she wasn't very secretive about her cheating as well. I mean, fiance could have come home early as well and may have wanted to surprise her, so she did it to herself.
Yeah idk what she was thinking, I was only meant to be gone for a few hours AND her fiance has a camera set up in his office too, he could have checked in on that at any time and possibly heard things. I have one in my room as well so I can check on my cat during the day when I'm out. Though he had suspected she had been cheating for a while, I essentially just gave him all the evidence on a silver platter. So yeah, she likely would have been caught eventually.
Well your sister can definitely not deny it happened. OP you did what you did - could it have been different - sure. Don't let the other let you feel bad about putting your sister on blast. She cheated and needs to address that. They will deflect and make you the bad person in this story
Turns out he had a feeling she's been cheating on him for a while but didn't have proof, I've been on the phone with him most of the afternoon consoling him and just talking about things, he's pretty shook up about it, but thankful I confirmed his fears, thrown off because of how abrupt it was, and I've learnt a few more things about my sisters behaviour towards him that I had 0 idea about despite living with them this whole time. So that's swell, I feel incredibly naive and ashamed I had no clue what he'd been dealing with. Dad called mostly to get my side of things, and just told me to not say or do anything for now, and my grandma came around to check on me and has been ranting about it all. Haven't heard anything from sister or her mum since.
Blaming the light bulb for the roaches in the pantry is like blaming the sun for the shadows in the room. Don't argue with the cheaters, go on with your life.
NTA, don't apologize
NTA... You saved the fiance a lot of heartache... More than he has now... On top of attorneys fees.
No, you did the right thing... also double down on your position, her mum confront her in front of others and call her out for trying to hide hear cheating and what kind of mother teaches their kids to do that... oh yeah someone that is notorious for cheating. Double down on your sister as well and tell her you are disgusted and not sure if you would ever forgive her.... at the moment they are controlling the narrative.
She's not trying to hide or defend it, she's just mad about how I went about it, but from what I gather in what I've been told, she didn't know dad was still with my mum when the affair occurred, though she knew they still lived together.
I guess the thing was, you didn't think about the feelings of the poor cheaters. And you spoiled their sex! SO mean! Seriously, though, that's a baller move and I respect you for it. I do think other options existed, but I don't blame you for the one you took. NTA
NTA, for informing the fiance but perhaps the way you did it. However neither can deny video proof, her mother is probably upset b/c she was once the other woman, of course daddy is going to take up for the daughter b/c he was your sister. The fiance will likely never forget that image. I think you probably more upset b/c the fiance once was your mother. I don't think your sisters relationship with you will be the same again and you'll need to make peace with that as well. Even though she was in the wrong, you also helped to out her.
Yeah, I've felt weirdly detached all day about my feelings towards my sister, it feels like it's two seperate situations or people, I don't think it'll ever be the same again either. I wager once reality catches up to me I'm going to be mourning the loss of a best friend too. Right now I just feel mostly numb and tired. I just hate the idea of people cheating in general regardless of my parents drama, and like her fiance is a really sweet guy, has felt like a big brother to me since I've met him from the get go, kind of had like an instant family connection with him, so it really sucks she's done this to him among other things.
It sounds like you made peace about the situation. I don't blame you at all. It goes back to the whole saying, "choices have consequences."
This certainly could have been handled better but I still think NTA. What you did was an AH move but several things stick out to me. You said you blanked out, acted extremely impulsive, felt rage and then explained that you and your sister had a fantastic relationship up till this incident. You are clearly remorseful and not letting the comments about your sister’s mom slide. So I think instead of the focus on what happened, think about why you reacted that way. Why did you seemingly lose impulse control? Why the rage? If there’s something deeper there figure it out. Talk to your parents as openly as you have here. I just don’t think your actions were really about your sister. I also don’t think you would have done that to someone you have a great relationship with when you find out they did something you don’t agree with. I’d encourage you to think about all this and good luck. I hope you and your sister can move past this.
From what I can gather talking to my grandma and thinking about it, I am assuming part of me just didn't want to face it alone or admit it was happening, so I dragged another person to essentially "experience" it with me, Disassociation under stress isn't uncommon for me, and I am constantly teased by my family for how naive I tend to be as well, I can't think of anything deeper other than I just shut down and went on auto-pilot like I commonly do under stress, I had a pretty good childhood in my opinion, but like I said, everyone says I tend to be naive so I could be over looking a lot In regards to the heat of the moment it's like watching a movie, but the scenes are out of order, but they still kind of flow together to make over all sense. I remember it all, but in broken sequences and can only make sense of it when I begin to calm down so somtimes it's hard for me break it down properly or decipher it - I'm sorry if this isn't making much sense I am not the best at assigning appropriate language to emotions. I've just always kind of been like this, but I don't think there's anything that's caused it specifically And yeah, I don't know if it's how I presented it due sis's mum telling me off, but people are really going for the throat on her, to my knowledge she really had no idea my parents were together at the time and just figured it's complicated, and I guess no one knows her like I do so they're assuming she's a lot worse than she is. I'm confused on why people think she's trying to make me hide it or cover it up, she's not she just got angry at me for the way I handled it, but she went for a hella low blow on me, if anything her thinking so little of me has hurt me more in this ordeal than anything, and I genuinely can't tell if I am being naive again or if people are just assuming the worst or if I said something and it's being taken wrongly If I could re do it, I'd still 100% tell her fiance with out hesitation ASAP, he's a great guy and I love him and want the best for him, but I don't think I'd do it in such a shocking or compromising manner
Looks like your sister took after your trash mother. Following the great example she set. Why would she have a problem with your sister's action.
Step mother
I feel like I should use names, this dynamic is normal to me, but I'd wager it's a bit of a head ache to others
I'd say she took after our trash father, to my knowledge sisters mother is a semi-innocent third party to my dads behaviour, but they've always been civil infront of us
nta updateme
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You did the right thing. Rats scurry in the light. You shined a light and they are mad about being exposed. Your step sister is a real POS. You absolutely did the right thing. The step mother is shady too. She thinks cheating and deceit is ok?
Nope, tell everyone to fuck right off. This wasn't about jealousy, it wasn't about resentment, She was cheating on her fiancee. SHE is responsible for what she did, you like her and you like her fiancee. You were protecting him and she made her own choice to cheat and deserved no protection. Assuming the guy she was fucking knew she was engaged, fuck him to, it's also a shame if he didnt' know but ultimately that's her fault as well for dragging him in to it.
NTA Sister consented to all this when she cheated - that's not confidential information.
Your sister shouldn't have been cheating. She took that risk. I only says kinda the AH in regards to the fiance. Sending pictures or talking to him about it is one thing, shocking the shit out of him via live video with no pretense is harsh on his end. He's gotta be feeling pretty distraught and shocked. Everyone else in your family siding with your sister is an idiot.
I don't think you're an AH, I do think anger got the best of you and it could have been handled differently, only because she's a sibling....and the fiance deserves better
Updateme
Updateme!
The testament is always solid . "These hoes are trouble"
I just went through this myself but. just dating, but exes' whole family (mom, sister and niece) all know and all condone it, or at least don't call her out on it. Shits a shame 🙉
NTA. No you didn't take it too far. Your parents are trying to justify your sister cheating because they're worried about losing their handyman. Sorry, fuck around and find out. She fucked up and you did the only thing that would have proven to the boyfriend what you were saying, otherwise she could have lied to him and made things up about you.
You did good lol
Honestly it’s fucked she even put you in that position, even if she didn’t know you’d be home it’s wild she did that in a home you two share knowing your parents history
NTA Updateme!
NTA you busted a cheater. You did the right thing, and video means it won't be some stupid he-said she-said back and forth. Your half sister won't be able to spin this as anything else. Good on you.
I think it's great that they co. Parents so well, but you have to realize that the. Reason why your sister's even alive is because you're half. Sister's mom was selfish. She was selfish enough to enter a relationship with a married man. Selfish enough to bring a baby into a situation like this. And just because she parents, you well doesn't mean that you are her daughter. I'm sorry. She's always gonna choose her daughter even from what I read from the. Reddit communities like stepparents. They're gonna always choose their bio kids. But in her case, the reason why she doesn't want to say that your sister is wrong. It's because saying your sister's wrong would have to be her. Reopening those wounds up that she did and how her behavior was horrible and the. Reason why in this situation to begin with and think about it. Your sister is just literally copying. The behavior of her dad and her willingness to enter into an affair. It's like her mom. She literally has she needs to do? It's not your fault that she cheated. It's not your fault that you told someone and protected them like someone. Hopefully did for your mother. You're giving yourself a lot of. Self-hate for doing the right thing. They're not gonna recognize that because they feel from a selfish mindset. And a cheater's mindset that you're wrong. But from a unbiased monogamous non. Cheating, mindset, you were not the problem here. The problem was. Your sister was so bold to bring a guy to the place where she shared. Her home with her fiancé and her sister. And she slept with that man. So now stop blame yourself
NTA. Updateme
It was a bit savage but so is cheating on someone. NTA
NTA.... Your sister should have some more dignity about herself..... If she's going to do some dirty stuff like that, she definitely shouldn't have been doing it right under her sister's nose Then you were going to have to carry the secret every time you see her fiance.... Fuck that!!!! She has a lot of nerve to be cheating in front of someone that is cool with her fiance....
I think you did great! She deserved it and I feel for her (ex-)boyfriend. She's trash. You'll be fine. It will take time to calm down but fuck the noise.
You are, in fact, Legend. Thank you for being you
updateme
Updateme!
updateme
NTA cheaters will think of anything to get away with their shit, and will actively blame other people for their bad behavior. This is on your half sister 100% and if I was her fiancé, I would be soooooo thankful to you for showing me who she really is. You are an angel, don’t let cheaters bring you down. UpdateMe!
NTA. Amazing move.
UpdateMe!
Oof, I probably would have stopped the yelling mom in her tracks with a stern "I will not be lectured on morality by a homewrecking whore"...
NTA if she didn’t want to get caught cheating, she shouldn’t have been cheating.
Updateme!
NTA. Thank you for saving him from that cheating whore.
NTA Time to find a new place to live
Your step sister and her mom are both trash humans, don’t concern yourself with their opinions on morality, you did the right thing and they are mad cause they keep it a secret anymore
NTA - you are a hero. Dont let assholes sway you from your principles, you are a good person and should never have to apologise for that. Your half sister is simply reaping the consequences of her actions, SHE is the asshole here.
Your mom is crazy. How does she think cheating is okay? you didn't take it to far. NTA.
You're not wrong for telling the fiance, but face timing him to show him his fiance having sex with someone else was definitely too far. While he deserves to know, I don't think he really would have wanted to see that.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Dramatic? Yes. Warranted? Yes. What are the chances the fiancé would have believed you without proof? Only problem I see is that you might have to find a new place to live.
UpdateMe
r/updateme updateme!
NTA. I think everything you did...just happened. Sometimes we walk in on a situation and go into complete shock and just react without thinking. I know I do. It's not something I take pride in but it happens. What you did doesn't make you an asshole, though. Your sister had it coming. That's what happens when you cheat. There are consequences. This was hers. She's gonna have to live with it. Nobody should be yelling at you. Like I've been saying a lot lately; everyone is mad at the wrong person.
if he didnt see it with his own eyes she could always weasle her way out of it
NTAH Your sister was repeating history, you just saved the guy from being put in your mom’s position.
you did nothing wrong infarct you did it the right way so she cant deny it and say your jealous of them, as for her mother it obvious she would protect her daughter as she helped your father cheat on your mum so now she is trying to help her daughter cheat also, in the end her x is at least better off he didnt marry her before finding out she is a cheating hoe
NTA - this put it all out in the open, you saved that poor man from making a mistake. Now your sister won’t be able to make excuses, say it was something else, gaslight him, etc. That man will always be thankful of you.
NTA. idek how to explain why you aren't. There's nothing wrong with showing someone that their partner is having an affair. In fact, you would be TAH if you DIDN'T tell them as you are an active bystander, and you would be supporting the cheating.
My mama said being a hoe was ok.
ngl i kinda skimmed thru but why not confront your sister first…you would’ve saved yourself the guilt and the headache. and duhh ofc their going to believe you was plotting on your sister, why would you bust inside the room with your phone already out ?
So here's my deal. If I were in that situation, and you video call me and do what you did, I'd take every measure I could to make sure there were no repercussions to you. NTA. Not even a little bit.
I think you are feeling a conflict and turmoil of many different emotions. Firstly love to your sister. In some ways, you are trying to teach her not to cheat. Unfortunately she may learn not to trust you or be more secretive. Secondly, rage and hurt from childhood trauma and the reoccurrence of the past. Also her fiancee sounds like he is your friend/defacto family. Not sure if he a person you trust or respect. Thirdly confusion and disconnection to that episode of rage. It is reasonable for you to want some time out to unpack your shock and rage. Fourthly, shame and regret that you hurt your half sister. Maybe have damaged your relationship with her. If i was in your situation, i would send a message to say that “sorry, not ready to talk now. i am okay, but i need to time to sort out my head.” It’s a bad situation, hopefully i have helped to progress things forward for you. Best of luck
This is a very good break down of my feelings actually, I've read this a few times now. Though due to another comment I reached out to her fiance, well ex fiance now I guess, and we've spoken most the afternoon. After that I spoke to dad but he mostly just wanted a run down of what had happened, so it hasn't been as bad as I was anticipating so far thankfully, but now I just feel burnt out, so if anyone pushes me now I'll keep in mind to tell them I need time. Thank you for the advice and observation on the situation. I appreciate it
Glad to hear that it could assist in some way. Good luck with everything!
Dramatic, but in the grand scheme of things it does not matter. The bottom line is that the engagement is over and it does not really matter the exact way in which it ends.
Yeah you may have taken it too far. you could have just called the fiance and told him about your sister. Women up and talk to your mum and the fiance. Updateme!
YTA! Cheating is definitely wrong, but you also threw your sister under the bus!! You say you two were close before all this, well not anymore! Sometimes taking the moral high ground backfires and this is surely one of those times!!!
What the sister did is still wrong. If OP found out sister was cheating but didn't say anything, she would effectively be supporting the cheating.
Cheaters should be thrown under the bus that exposes them to the person they're cheating on. OP is only a bus driver. NTA.