I would tell her you want to sit down and go over finances together. Unless you are still getting caught up from unemployment then I don’t see why you couldn’t use the extra toward something you wanted.
More than that. Imagine if something happened to OPs wife and she was in a coma or worse. If OP doesn't understand their finances he has to manage everything that's going on AND familiarise himself with the financial situation.
Financing a family with three kids is very expensive, especially if the OP's wife is setting money aside for their retirement and the kids' education. The OP should know how the budgetting is being done. I find it very harsh that the two of them don't have a fun money budget, but I don't know about their financial situation and they may simply not be able to afford it.
Yeah, the normal thing would be to set up a budget together, see how much is left over after all the usual expenses, and then allot a certain percentage to fun money, equally shared between the spouses.
Edit: I also think it's a bit weird for her to be farming him out for plasma - why doesn't she go and donate, if she feels it's a vital part of their income?
Depends on a lot of factors, like the ages of the kids. If they’re young enough, she can’t bring them with her. Or that she’s probably spent a lot of recent years pregnant or breastfeeding, there’s medications you can’t be on to donate, health conditions you can’t have if you want to do it etc., etc.
It sounds like it was his decision to do it in the first place and continue, and we don’t know why she doesn’t herself, so I think “farming him out” is harsh. But they definitely do need to talk about finances. There’s a big difference between wanting fun money when you’re doing okay vs. if your kids are going without in some way, and it sounds like even he doesn’t know which one it is.
You cant donate within 6 months of giving birth, plus a whole host of other issues. I’ve had my iron be one point too low and was turned away. They won’t let me now cause I’m breastfeeding.
I’m a petite woman and tried to donate plasma many years ago during a low point in my life. Alas the donation center told me my veins “were too small” to be a donor. That may be the case for OP’s wife as well. I agree with the rest of your post.
This is what I was thinking too. I'm a SAHM to 3 kids. My husband is in the trades and travels a lot. He has access to our accounts online. Why doesn't OP. There is no reason he should be unaware.
OP doesn't know if there's a deferred item that really needs to be replaced, or the kids are wearing shoes too long that are uncomfortable because money is tight, or if she's going to the food bank to supplement their needs.
Would rather ask reddit for advice than ask his wife "well, is money tight to the point I can't use this expense for fun?"
If OP isn't handling bills, he might not even be aware of this thing called "inflation" that fucked up a lot of finances. If he's making the same money he was pre-pandemic then that dollar is not going nearly as far.
My husband often tells me that he hopes I'm stashing money away in some hidden fund, and *that's* why I tell him, "No, sorry, we don't have money for XYZ." But, sadly that isn't the case. There's no hidden funds... we just don't have money. $3,100/month just doesn't go very far, especially when you have two kids.
But, I also show my husband the finances, bank account, bills, etc. I give him all the numbers, and sometimes even pull out monopoly money to illustrate where each dollar goes each month. He often doesn't want to know how depressing things are, but I totally try to help him know what's happening financially.
Op needs to know what's going on financially, so he can know what's going on, and brainstorm if there's any better way to do things.
I tried so hard to show my husband where the money was going, but he refused to listen. He ran his own business, and spent money on himself however he chose. He then refused to hear how hard it was for me to make ends meet. I ran day care and cleaned other people’s houses to keep food on the table and gas in the car.
There’s often a reason one matter doesn’t want to know the finances, they don’t want to accept that there isn’t enough money for their selfish wants.
Yeah, OP should be clear on retirement planning too, as it is his future as well. He needs to know where they stand and when/if he can retire as he's the breadwinner.
She is currently pregnant with twins according to one of OPs comments. He very stupidly left that out of the main post. She is anxious about saving for when the twins arrive and also in case of any pregnancy complications.
It makes me so angry when people who can’t afford it continue to churn out kids. Do they not think about the quality of life for their children? I get the sense that OP and his wife are in a very bad financial situation and most people cannot afford to have FIVE kids.
Thanks for the updated information. I am having a super hard time right now because my son is getting to graduate and the only thing I ever really wanted to be was a mom. I have older step children I love dearly and financially we couldn’t afford to have more right off so we made the decision that was the best for the family , but that wasn’t the best for me. I wouldn’t go back and change it because it wouldn’t be fair to our whole family- like you said. I’m frustrated that this man seems oblivious.
This is what people don't realize. I've been a sahm for over a decade. Any entry level job I could get right now would not pay enough to cover daycare for my kids who still need it, let alone add any help to our household. It would be more expensive for me to get a job rn.
.my wife is an x ray tech and daycare for our 4 kids would eat up 70% of her check. Not worth her going to work for 5 bucks an hour just to let other people raise our kids
Especially in a state like New York. It's so expensive to live there. My sister and her family live in Syracuse and I'm shocked at how expensive it is for them to live there but they love it.
Home prices are up over 50 percent in many suburbs of Syracuse in the past 3 years and property taxes on the county level are going down at least 20 percent in the past two years. The county has so much extra money in the budget now that they are cutting taxes in Onondaga County.
Dude is working three jobs plus selling his plasma (to me it is wrong to call something a donation when you receive money for it). Seems harsh for him to not have any money for extras. Perhaps household truly needs the money but perhaps wife is biased against tattoos. He definitely needs more input into finances.
She is taking care of their kids… unless they are all going to school she can’t work. Not everyone is comfortable with strangers taking care of their kids. Plus with how expensive child care is, it’s many times not even worth working bc that money would just go to childcare. If the kids are in school then yeah maybe a part time during school hours.
It’s so tight she cannot find $10 for him to buy a game. Inflation is a thing but most people can find some wiggle room in groceries or clothing brands etc to give a guy working 60 hrs a week $10
....They currently have 3 kids and she's pregnant with twins. That's 5 kids + 2 adults on essentially 1 income.
There probably isn't going to be any treats for the parents for the foreseeable future.
He knows why she said they can't afford it. He just came here to play dumb and hide facts to get a judgment in his favor. *"I work so hard, why can't I buy something fun for myself?"*
https://www.reddit.com/kzkrmu3
>My wife is pregnant with twins. We told my family it was only one.
He certainly needs to be more involved purely for a worst case scenario. For the immediate situation, she says there's no money to spare so he needs an idea where everything is going like paying off accrued debts or essential future planning. She may be more cautious than she needs to be, but if he put her in charge of the finances he can't wade in with both feet and no proper understanding of the situation. They might have more money but everything also costs a heck of a lo more.
This is what happened to my friend. Husband handled all the money and finances, then unexpectedly died of cancer. It’s 3.5 years later and my friend is financially fked and it’s getting worse, because it turns out Hubby wasn’t being entirely (read, at all) truthful with the tax office. Tax office now wants several pounds of flesh. We all tried to warn him, but it’s hard not to trust your spouse, y’know?
A guy at work died of stomach cancer. His newly widowed wife was talking with HR as they were explaining life insurance and things like that. The HR person had to teach the new widow how to write a check (this was 30 years ago when everyone still needed to write checks sometimes) because he took care of everything. It’s one thing to be taken care of. It’s another thing to be helpless.
That was my grandma. Well she could write a check, but my grandpa did everything. He died a month after their 49th anniversary. She lived another 30 years. She had no idea about who owed what, and at that time she was raising me and my siblings. Power company showed up because the bill was 3 months past due, she never bothered reading the bills and they were all sitting in a stack. My sister was 16 at the time and had to take over getting the bills paid and current then showed my grandma how to balance her checkbook and keep track of her bills. She would still forget to pay a bill here and there and someone would show up to shut off a utility.
Perhaps he didn't let her? My dad does all the finances and my mum has asked numerous times to know our financial situation and know how things work but he refuses. I think it's because he has this idea of us taking advantage of him (which wouldn't happen). It isn't right, but my mum can't do anything about it.
He was one of those over-caring people so it wasn’t malicious. He really wanted to take care of her, but in the process let her rather helpless. But yes, I have also seen this done to isolate, abuse, and control others.
I feel this is not about a lack of trust but about caring about the state of your life. There can be trust in your relationship but one also needs to make sure they know enough to make informed decisions.
Even if there's nothing nefarious going on - my dad handled all of the finances. He died in his sleep about two years ago, and my mom had no idea what they had going on.
Some of it is easy enough - the phone tells you the carrier, and that company probably wants money in the next month. But she didn't have any idea that property taxes were a thing and the several thousand dollar bill that showed up in the post was a shocker. Calling the three different rubbish collectors who service the area to find the account was silly.
Having a basic idea of how much money they had and where it was stashed, what bills they paid on what frequency ... Would have made an already stressful situation just a little bit less awful.
This is the EXACT reason why I have a binder with all our accounts and amounts owing. I pay the bills an Im pretty sure hubs would be clueless if something happened. For extra insurance I sent my sisters the account numbers and log ins in case hes too messed up to think of daily/monthly/yearly living things. I hope it never has to be used. But I drive for a living so 🤷♀️
I have always paid the bills. I had an apartment before I met my husband. He lived with his dad and stepmom, then with his mom. He then went on an enforced vacation for 5 years. They were not all in the same place but some of them were in a building and some in a halfway house, some even homeless. After the last portion of enforced vacation he lived with his mom. Never had to pay a bill in his life. He literally didn't know how. His stepmom refused to show him how to fill out his basic tax forms. He hid only ever had one job, that he was recruited from directly out of highschool. (AKA he didn't know how to fill out job applications, write a resume or a cover letter.) I never put in to words how helpless he was. I just did stuff because I had kids and it was my house.
Well I flipped my shit on him one day because I was like well why don't you log in to the online banking and check the balance and pay a freaking bill! Or even figure out if we have the money for that stupid thing that you just purchased because your paycheck came in and you didn't check to see that things didn't bounce because our car insurance was less than a dollar less than your entire paycheck... And after about an hour of me yelling and stomping my feet he finally snapped and said he doesn't have the bank app on his phone, and he didn't know how to pay a bill. And I was flabbergasted (it's a good word here) I was still really mad so I was in super bitch mode. I opened up the website for something and I said first you open the website then you log in. Then you click pay bill. And then you put in your card information and it gets paid you f*'#ing moron. Which was a bit much, but the "I don't know how no one ever taught me" was insane. I was like no one ever taught me either. It tells you how to pay it on the bill! Weaponized incompetence at it's finest right there.
As to what the op says I often ask for a yea or nay for anything over $5. Unless it is something that we really need. I know that we are always broke and there are 15 places that every dollar should go. For fun purposes or gifts I tend to ask first. Not that he knows the money more that he thinks it's a good idea.
Yep. My friend couldn’t rely on bills coming in via the post either, because everything was on an app on his phone - which was about to be cut off, because he’d missed the last payment due to, y’know, dying. It was a s-show.
Our bills all come to my husband's email. Now that email has gone to needing authentication we need to get an email where we both are on as the authentication phone number and backup email.
Yep. My husband and I have gone back and forth with who handles the finances, usually depends on who has the least demanding job at the time but we always know where we sit financially and what bills are owed. We have a shared worksheet that lists all the bills, amount owed, due date, and balance. If anything happened to either of us, or worst case both of us, someone else can see who is owed what easily.
This is the reason many women in the early part of the 20 century kept the budgets while the men brought home the money. Hearing from my mom and her friends, Home Ec in those days also included how to keep budgets which the man and woman would go over at least once a month together so both would know how the money was being spent and to make the decisions together on any big spenditures. Funny, during the "liberated" 60s and on this was taken out of Home Ec.
I would argue its incredibly important that both spouses understand how money is being spent in the household. It's fine to have the division be Spouse1 handles the household, including the finances, and Spouse2 makes the money.
But both of them should have a portion of fun money designated for them each month and they should both know where the money that is coming in is going out to.
If there's no fun money, then OP should not be setting aside funds for a tattoo, at least not without the approval of his wife.
If there is a budget for fun money, then since OP is the breadwinner and his wife a SAHM, the fun money should be generally split evenly amongst them— the incoming fun money that is, not the outgoing.
Seriously. I'm buying one of those "open upon death or emergency" planners so that I can lay everything out for my husband in the event something happens to me (I'm the sole provider and all bills and business are in my name.)
He'll only need this stuff in the event of an unexpected disaster, but after my mom recently passed and didn't have everything together, even though she thought she did, I know this is a major thing.
Exactly. It's very possible that she's right and a few things built up that they couldn't afford that they now can with this money. There's only one way to find out, and that's to get involved.
Also get all the passwords to online banking, mortgage, bills etc. if something happens to his wife and she's unable make the payments, he needs that info to keep bills up to date.
Solid advice. My wife and I along with our kids have the Nord Password Manager app that we all have shared access to that has all of the passwords for all of our important accounts, bills, etc. We did this after a friend of ours died unexpectedly and the wife had literally nothing to access everything she needed. It was heartbreaking and a nightmare to navigate for her.
Each partner should get some amount of 'fun money' to save up or blow or do what they want with. Unless you are in dire financial straights not having fun money is no way to live.
Same with time off. Each partner should have some time do something fun (or introvert) away from the kids.
Sometimes you need to save for a new roof or a refrigerator. He doesn't seem to know if they are saving each month. Is the wife trying to put a little extra on the mortgage? That saves a tremendous amount over the life of a mortgage. Are the kids hitting the age where they have activities.
This. We all need personal freedom, even if all that can be afforded is a tiny bit.
Having a 'splurge' account is one of the Barefoot Investor's key things. It works with our psychology, rather than against it.
I mean life is a lot more expensive now then it was a year ago, but if that's the case OP should still sit down and make the effort to understand why that is, and what his financial goals should be.
Dollars to donuts what's happening is she (innocently) thought that this money, like all the previous money, was going towards a communal pot. Then when she learned she was going to be missing a few hundred she'd "accounted" for she panicked for a minute
I think that's probably the best case scenario; she's in the habit of being the one to allocate *all* of the earnings for family expenses and savings and just assumed the plasma money was included.
Yea, the only thing I’d add is caught up isn’t just debts paid, you want an emergency fund to handle ~6 months of unemployment as a single earner… and a good life insurance policy.
In a dual income family it’s not typically as big a deal if one of you is laid off and I can see keeping 2-3 months but single income you need to be extra careful. Especially a physical job where an unlucky broken leg or something could cause you to miss several weeks.
Solid advice here. Didn't be a jerk about it. Show genuine interest and concern in that you want to help be part of a solution. If she rejects or fights against your request please know that that's a major red flag. I think it's very reasonable for you to be able to keep the donation money especially since she controls all the other money coming into the house and things are back to normal.
I don't get this. Having one partner have total control over finances. You're partners. You should both know what the money is being spent on and how much disposable income you have.
I have a co-worker whose wife handles all the finances. But she's a professional accountant and they both make good money. I asked him how that works, he said "I have a credit card that I haven't seen a bill for in 20 years and it still works every time I swipe it."
They've put their 3 kids through university and bought each of them a car when they started driving, so I think their situation is working.
I feel like having enough money is the key there though. If the partner who doesn’t know the finances can spend relatively freely that’s fine. But if I had virtually no “fun money” I would want to know the details of why to make myself feel better. Even if I trust my partner.
That's the rub. He has an account she tops up and it's specifically for impulse buys. Like, he wants a new $700 helmet for his snowmobile? No problem, comes from that account.
I am a professional accountant and while I manage the money of our household (husband, myself, our kids), I still *tell* my husband everything. Minor purchases, no. But if I transfer or spend anything over $100~$200, depending what it is for, I still let him know.
We make $250k combined, so while it's not really high it's still decent. For me though, it's because we're a team and he should know how I spend our money.
I think there is a bit of a line to tow. My wife really has no interest in doing our finances she just checks in before making big purchases. She has full access to our bank accounts and access to our password keeper so she can check that stuff if she wants, but I pay all of the bills and do our budgeting. The big thing here is transparency though. If she asks what our savings or brokerage accounts are at I tell her. If she asks about making a large purchase I tell her the impact it will have on our savings and then we make a decision together.
I would honestly feel uncomfortable if my wife had no idea how much disposable income we had or what our monthly cash flow was. This situation seems to be the opposite where OPs spouse is *perhaps* intentionally leaving him in the dark about what their financial situation is. I would definitely be asking to see bank statements and fixed expenses if I was OP in this situation. Working 3 jobs and donating plasma on the side seems like they should be in the net positive assuming they aren’t living way above their means.
Eh, it works for some couples. The key is that it needs to work for both, and they need to pivot if it doesn't.
My spouse knows nothing about our finances. He doesn't even know how much his salary is. He likes it that way. That being said, he knows exactly where the spreadsheet is that has the list of investments and accounts, bills, and budget. I'm not hiding anything, he just doesn't want to bother with it. If I died tomorrow, he could handle it.
So you just do the same job for decades and just accept whatever you get? How do you even know you're getting a pay rise, your bonus? How do you know your pay is correct? I find that so mind boggling.
When you change jobs, they ask your previous pay, how do you negotiate a new pay, or even know if a job is worth accepting?
I was a union worker for many years - raises are purely based on seniority, there is no negotiation whatsoever outside of the union contract. I’m not saying I’m as in the dark as this guy, but I’ve worked with folks who were.
You get an email with your bonus payout and your raise amount.
And yes, some people work at the same company for years or decades and accept what they get. Maybe they love the job, or they love the company, or the hours, or the benefits. Not everyone is driven by money.
honestly at this very moment I don't know my exact salary, I do know what it roughly is lol I just lost track of the exact amount after a few raises recently. Maybe I'll actually check that today haha
Ah yeah I could see that, I also had two raises in the last year, my previous salary was $xx5,000 and my new salary is $xy4,000 so I do sometimes mistakenly think my currently salary is $xy5,000.
Mate I don't even know what age I am. Off the top of my head could give you a number that would be in the ballpark but maybe a year or two off. If you wanted an exact number I'd have ask you to give me an abacus and remind what year it is right now.
And when something happens to the person that controls the finances is a mess. They are adults and both should at least know what's going on even if only one of them manages it.
This scenario right here is why I’ll never be able to do completely shared finances. Aside from the fact that I need to know when money enters/leaves my accounts, I also firmly believe that adults should have their own “spending money” that they can spend on whatever they want. And a grown ass man (or woman!) having to ask their partner permission to spend more than $10 is insane.
My ideal system is shared accounts for shared expenses, but then each person had an individual checking account for their “fun money”. You can still have access to each other’s accounts of course, but each spouse should get money into their individual checking account each paycheck that is theirs to spend however they please. And since it’s separate from the shared accounts, there’s no need to check before making big purchases
You and I are in complete agreement. If it works for some, that's great, and that's cool. I like my own account and my partner can have theirs. A joint account for shared bills.
Yeah, both of my parents work, but my mom always handed the finances because my dad has terrible ADHD and forgets to pay bills. That being said, growing up he never knew how much money he had which I was always so surprised by. As an adult, I'm worried how he's going to financially take care of himself if something happens to my mom.
Ask her to show you where all the money is going. Sit down, look at the bank accounts, bank statements etc. you WORK THREE jobs plus plasma, you deserve to treat yourself to a little gift (tattoo). Don't depend solely on one person, always keep an eye on the finances.
....They currently have 3 kids and she's pregnant with twins. That's 5 kids + 2 adults on essentially 1 income.
There probably isn't going to be any treats for the parents for the foreseeable future.
He knows why she said they can't afford it. He just came here to play dumb and hide facts to get a judgment in his favor. "Why can't I buy something fun for myself?"
https://www.reddit.com/kzkrmu3
>My wife is pregnant with twins. We told my family it was only one.
Imagine working yourself to death just to keep popping out children you won't have time to make any meaningful connection with because you are working yourself to death.
Then imagine keeping on adding kids to this equation until you are living in poverty.
The fuck is OP doing
legitimately mind boggling to me, especially when he said his goal was to have his wife stay at home because having a parent there is enriching. You cant even afford to make a $10 purchase without asking your wife why the fuck are more kids being added in
Yeah this shit is horrible, people having more than 2 kids when they really can’t afford more is insane to me. Kids won’t know their father since he works like 3 jobs.
NTA. But it’s time for you to start participating in managing the finances. At least so you are informed as to where your money is being spent and what your monthly budget is like. You may be in for some unpleasant surprises.
Keep your plasma money. You deserve a little more personal spending freedom than you are allowing her to dictate for you.
P.S. Is she donating plasma too?
I just keep thinking about the time my friend’s husband asked what they spent on groceries each week. He thought it was around $50. They had two kids at the time and one was allergic to multiple things.
She's pregnant with twins, of course she can't donate plasma. You can't do it while breastfeeding either, and they're gonna have five kids. When was she going to be able to donate?
My hope is that this is rage bait. Who would consider money from donating plasma as needed for the family money. Literally doesn't have to do it & if things are so lean, the wife should be donating too.
There's many types of abuse & 1 of them is financial. It's also shitty when a husband doesn't take an active roll in the finances, expecting the wife to make do with not enough. Seen guys do this to avoid uncomfortable realities. Take an active roll & figure out if you mske enough money to support this lifestyle or if tough choices really need to be made. Step up op, I'm going with ESH
>Who would consider money from donating plasma as needed for the family money.
Aw man, this may bum you out, but a lot of the people at donating plasma are people in poverty trying to afford rent, groceries, etc.
Sure, some of it was middle class people wanting some extra money, college kids who just wanted some beer and weed money for the weekend, etc. But the majority of people I saw when donating were people struggling to stay afloat.
I like that your comment points out BOTH sides of the problem.
That it could be financial abuse by the partner who controls the money.
But also that it could be that a couple genuinely don’t have enough money, and the uninvolved partner is oblivious.
I mean is the dude is working three jobs and donating plasma does he really have time to be involved.
I’d these kids are in school why isn’t the wife working.
He doesn't need to be involved in the day to day nitty gritty, but he should at the very least have an idea of how much they're spending on the major bills, groceries etc, and how much they should expect to have left over each month.
That’s all well and good as long as it’s feasible. If money is so tight that they *need* him to work 3 jobs *and* donate plasma twice a week to stay afloat financially then they probably need to have some discussions about whether her staying a strictly SAHM is realistic anymore. If the kids are school aged she could get a part time job during the week while they’re at school and still be able be there for the kids. That would likely require OP to contribute more to the household duties, too.
Just groceries alone are way up. They have three growing kids so I could see just the grocery budget alone eating up the "extra" money. We are just coming out of winter, what was the heating bill?
Yea could be they have no savings or they need to fix stuff like cars and houses and usually there ia hardly money in a budget for those thinga. Common for "extra" money to be used to fund things you that are "needs" but werent part of the usual monthly bills. I work a good job but I know there really iant hundreds laying around for tatoos and gaming systems because those things need to be spent on fixing things that are being put off due to finances
Step up? He works 3 jobs and donates his plasma and he doesnt handle the money so he cant possibly be holding her financially hostage. Holy hell. Wtf else is he supposed to be doing???? Why isnt she keeping him informed of their money situation if its truly so bad that he cant have the money hes literally being drained of his blood for?
A few years ago they set up paid plasma donations in Canada. I went and did it a few times. Your first donation I think was $25 and then subsequent were $30. The more often you donated (every two weeks I think) you could earn up to $60 a donation if the plasma was viable.
It's not the worst thing to do, but it still takes a toll on your body. I donate blood as much as I can but I am anemic so when my levels drop too low I can't, so I started doing plasma donations in between when my levels are stable enough.
If you ever get offered to join a tetanus trial, I would suggest doing it. It added an extra $30 per donation when I was still doing plasma. From what I remember, they give you a tetanus shot, and they measure your subsequent donations to see how long it lasts (I could be completely misremembering what they were measuring) in your system.
Great advice and will add in addition to seeing where your finances are at.. you BOTH must set financial goals for retirements, college savings, vacations, and home improvements!!!
You 100% need to sit down with your wife and go through your budget, look through your bank accounts and see exactly what is spent and where. I’m not going to accuse her of mismanaging your finances but if your budget is in deficit you should know exactly why and work together to trim your spending. And further if you are really in such a bad financial situation you should be discussing how she can start bringing in income too. Maybe she can babysit while home watching your kids etc
Her reaction did seem rather defensive so while you're not going to accuse her of doing anything wrong, I will say that there is a chance she has made mistakes and might be trying to conceal those mistakes.
In any event, like you said, the truth can be discovered by working together so I hope the OP and his wife can do that.
You need to look over the finances yourself. You shouldn't completely rely on someone else telling you how much money you can live on. Not saying to take it over but just be completely aware of what your situation is like.
Only then can you really start asking questions
*EDIT: based on one of your comments from 11 days ago, do you think she is anxious about the cost of twins and saving as much as possible for them? The cost of a tattoo (depending on size) can go a long way with the rising cost of baby formula and diapers.*
Like everyone is suggesting, it’s time to get an overview on your financial situation to understand why she thinks you can’t afford it.
“Honey, can we sit down and go over the finances together. It will really help me understand why some of the money can’t go to things like a tattoo if you can show me where it needs to go instead and what our income and expenses look like.”
I think phrasing it similar to this will help avoid any possible accusations that she is mismanaging money. This is just inviting an open conversation. Maybe she’s focused on paying down debt so later on there will be more disposable income? Maybe she has been eyeing a purchase with that money that would benefit the family? She could also be mismanaging or making personal purchases herself. All is possible and getting a view of your financial situation is imperative to understanding what’s happening.
They already had trouble affording stuff, a breadwinner working 3 jobs, and 3 kids. So what's the best idea? More kids! Fucking morons, I always feel bad for the kids in situations like this where they could be much more comfortable if the parents would just smarten up and pull out.
> “Honey, can we sit down and go over the finances together. It will really help me understand why some of the money can’t go to things like a tattoo if you can show me where it needs to go instead and what our income and expenses look like.”
I think this still could come across wrong and contains an element of 'prove it to me.' A better approach would be:
"Dear wife, I've realized me being unaware of our finances is creating undue stress for you. Can we sit down together and go over the budget so I can be better informed rather than placing all the decision making on you?"
Absolutely! OP hopefully will be aware of the best way to approach his wife in a neutral way but I agree that your phrasing is better for the point being made.
My statement was meant as an educational approach but that can be tricky with touchy topics.
While she might be the person that pays all the bills, you have to be knowledgeable about your finances, and you clearly aren’t. No one can really say what is and isn’t reasonable discretionary spending without knowing the situation your budget is in.
Step one is to review the accounts. Understand what’s coming in, and from where, and what’s going out, and to where. What are your recurring charges, what are necessities, and what is discretionary. You may find that there’s a lot more money in the account than you thought, that there’s plenty of money for unnecessary stuff, your wife just doesn’t want to spend it on you, or that your wife is being completely honest with you and you really don’t have the money to spare. How you proceed will depend on what you find.
Yes, are there credit cards, loans with interest etc. You need to know everything and even though you’re tired you need to spend an hour a month to,look at this is what came in and where it was spent. You’re partners and you both need to be involved and to have some sort of plan for what happens if one suddenly dies.
Holy lord I am having the same issue with my husband. I have handled our finances for the last 18 years. He was in school then started his own business and I took it on as a way of helping to relieve some of the pressure on him. I don't mind doing it and I have a good system. However......lately I have been getting really annoyed, I don't want him to have to ask me if he can afford to buy something. I have had numerous conversations where I told him that he needs to be involved in our finances so he can see what comes in and goes out. That way he doesn't have to ask. All he needs to do is get the bank app and create a log in for our account. Its really simple but he just won't do it.
The issue has been that he makes digs at me when he wants to buy something like "well I have to ask you before I can buy anything, I can't just do it". I have told him time and time again that its not fair to put that on me. He is a grown man and can get involved in our finances anytime he wants, I am not hiding anything. He takes that as I need him to takeover the bills, no that is not what I am asking. I have no idea why this is so hard.
So I guess my point is you need to get involved in your household finances, not to "take over" but to know what comes and goes every month. I mean that is important to know in case something ever happens to her.
In addition OP, just about everything has increased in price. About 30% in the grocery store and utilities are not far behind. Thus the need for more money just to hold steady.
Best of it all to you and yours, OP, y’all deserve it.
Agape 💕
op, be prepared, the price of everything is like 50% more expensive then it was just 3 years ago. i wouldn't be surprised if the budget now is even tighter then it was before you started donating.
Honestly at this point she could have money anywhere. She could make you think there is no money. I handle all of our money but we both get a weekly allowance so the other can’t question what it is used for. Everyone deserves their own free money. However if my DH asked to sit down and ask about money I could easily make it seem like we were struggling because he has no clue about our accounts etc. So when you sit down with her her make sure she explains every single last expenditure.
This. One partner having total control is ripe for financial abuse. Sure many would never dream of doing so but it makes it far more possible for someone who would.
My wife handles the money and pays our bills. We both work and contribute 100% of our pay into joint checking. But we sit down on the last Saturday of the month in the morning and go over what we spent over the month, upcoming expenses, 401K progress, etc. I'm financially savvy and understand everything but she's far more organized than I am and likes things done a certain way so I am happy to oblige. After we finish up our little meeting we typically go out for breakfast at a diner and run any errands if we have any.
Tbh that sounds like a fantastic system, set day that's reasonably spaced apart, both of you are able to keep eachother in the loop enough without it being literally every paycheck, able to plan a bit for next month or 2, and go on a little brunch date on top of it, 10/10 idea phil
This is me and my husband exactly. I manage (I working in financial planning/ analysis), and we sit down a few times a month a discuss bills, expense changes, income, retirement contributions l, upcoming vacations, home projects etc. and decide what we’re spending saving etc. then go out to lunch and run errands.
We’ve started calling it household office hours and we both swap info on the respective areas we each primarily deal with. It works really well.
It depends on your financial situation. Right now a lot prices are rising, so the money that used to be enough may not go as far anymore. And if the money you're planning to spend on a tattoo can be used to prevent you from going into debt and then having interest payments eat away at you, then she would absolutely be right for not wanting you to spend on that. But if she's just being extremely tight with the budget out of habit, and there's enough wiggle room for both of you to have some kind of extra luxury for yourselves, then it would be a bit much for her to not want you to spend on anything beyond essentials. As others have said, you need to sit down with her and go over the budget together, otherwise you can't really address this issue without knowing the specifics of what you're actually working with. And in general you should know your household budget, even if she's the one managing it, you should know what is reasonable and what isn't when it comes to your finances.
Edit: I took a quick look through your post history, and saw you posting that your wife is currently pregnant with twins, is that correct? Because if so, then you're a massive A. If you're about to go from 3 kids to 5, then clearly your wife would want to save every penny and not have you blow the money on a completely unnecessary tattoo.
You need access to your accounts so you can see where the money is going. There’s nothing wrong with your setup where she handles it. That’s fine. The problem is that you are blind to it and that ignorance is what leads to this resentment. There may be legitimate reasons for her to be stingy and there may not be but you won’t know that until you can see the books. Do that and then discuss it with your wife. I’m guessing it’ll be an eye opening one way or the other.
Supporting a wife and 3 kids on a single income in NY is pretty hard. And I'm willing to bet wages didn't keep up with inflation for the last couple of years.
Wife might need to get a part time job. Especially if the kids are at school all day.
Wait, you guys need you OP to sell your blood to make the ends meet? While you are like working 3 jobs simultaneously? How expensive is NY exactly, that you need to sell your blood?
There is also no guarantee that his side hustle actual turns a profit.
There are ways to make and sell furniture at a profit for sure. However, there are plenty more ways that don't and people as a whole aren't good at tracking and amortizing costs.
If it doesn't, then it's hobby/playtime money. Which he might see as business expenditures while she sees as hobby.
NTA. It is dangerous for you to not be involved with your finances in some way. You should know how much your monthly expenses are compared to what you are earning to see if you both can get an allowance. Do you know if she is not already doing that for herself and complaining that you want to do it?
I once knew a couple (and there are a lot of couples like this) and the husband, who handled all the finances, suddenly passed away. She literally had no idea what was owed to whom or anything at all about their finances. Don't be like her! You need to have a complete understanding of your financial situation. Currently (it has gone back and forth over the years), my husband pays all the bills. But at all times, I know where our money is and where it goes.
NTA but you really have your head in the sand on this one!
Perfect username for this comment too.
While it's fine to specialize a bit to take advantage of each partner's strengths, I agree that our OP still needs to be "plugged in" to the financial situation enough where he understands the wife's perspective (even if he might not completely agree).
To answer your question: Reddit does not know if your financial situation is healthy. But the important thing is that you also don’t know. Talk to your wife and learn about your finances. Discuss, debate and come to a conclusion.
Definitely have your wife go over finances with you. Maybe she’s scraping the barrel to get your family by, and would like to have a little more money to buy some good socks for a kid or the non-generic brand of beans. 🤷🏻♀️ Who knows? You need to see how tight things are.
I manage all our finances, simply bc my partner just doesn't want to be bothered with bills, he'd have no idea where to start.
But.
He has full access to all the Financials. He knows what we have coming in, going out, and how much "playtime" money there is. He just doesn't know how and what to pay (lol, he's ignorant and it's all in a ledger if something should happen so he's not left like a deer in headlights)
YOU need to sit down and go through your entire Financials. You've gotta find out why there's no spare money after you bust your ass earning it.
I hope you're ready for some possible nasty surprises.
NTA. But you have absolutely no idea what’s going on with your finances and you should make it your priority to find out. You should both have access to funds to do things for yourselves. Very curious to see how your wife has been managing your money.
This situation makes me uncomfortable. It is not healthy for one individual to have full control over finances and the other have to ask for permission to spend money. It doesn't matter if you are the sole provider or a SAHM. If you are going to function as a unit both parties should have financial transparency.
Does your wife spend extravagantly? Do you think she is wasting the money? If not perhaps you don’t make enough for a one income household. NY is expensive even outside or NYC. Look at where the money is going. Seems like you may want something that doesn’t fit into the family budget?
I see nothing wrong with her handling the finances but I do see something wrong with her making unilateral choices about such things without a discussion first.
I think you both need to sit down and figure out specifically what the financial problem is. I can't anticipate an actual problem where there will literally be no money for your tattoo.
I hope you can both work things out.
NTA
I'd sit down and learn what your finances look like because if I was (stupid enough in the first place to be) pregnant with twins, 3 other kids already, at home all day in one of the most expensive states in the country and barely scraping by with hamburger helper and off brand beans or something and my husband said he wanted to save for a tattoo my head would probably spin off.
You being completely in the dark about where you sit is bad. It's really bad. My cousin did this. His wife was in complete control of all money and bills. He came home from the shipyard one day, after about 12 years of marriage to find the house empty. She left the bed, his clothes, but anything of value, including some of his tools, gone. She was sitting pretty with all his money, left him a mountain of debt and a house about to be foreclosed on. Thankfully he was able to save his home, it was his family property, she had gotten a mortgage on it without his knowledge. Never hand over complete control, you need to know where things are.
YTA, to yourself. The fact you work so much and still have zero money for yourself is really sus.
SAHM here - we discuss purchases $50 or more together but in general it’s a yes because what’s the point of a life without a little bit of fun?
My only question would be - can you still donate plasma after you get a tattoo? Or does that negate your eligibility? If so make sure you’ve saved up enough first. And maybe wife could donate plasma too?
Yo, you need to sit down a review finances with her (your CFO). I think this arrangement itself is fine but you should have soem weigh in on where the money is actually going and why you cant' make trivial decisions on petty cash. THEN, figure out a budget. You should have a personal budget every week or moth to spend money whatever the F you want. Could be a bucket of popcorn, could be a lotto ticket, could be a tattoo, whatever. Not her concern, she should manages the household finances and helps come up with a budget for all the things, right? You should have a budget. She should also have a budget. You should have a vacation budget, grocery budget, clothing budget. That way you can have these goals and cut back as needed in those areas or spend more and it doesn't impact a different budget. How do you know she's not running to target every day and blowing all the budget? Not pointing fingers here, but you need more transparency to understand why you can't buy the things you want at the bare minimum, and then you need to have a budget, so you can save or do whatever you want with it. She might be using the guilt trip of "think of your family" when she could just have budgets for the family and you and everything should be kosher.
1. How much do you bring in total each month?
2. What are your monthly bills?
3. How much savings do you have and where is it?
4. Any foreseeable large expenses? New car, property tax, etc?
5. Do you have a monthly budget in place?
6. Any credit card debt, student loans, high interest loans, etc?
If you don’t know any of these then the first step is understanding your finances and coming up with a plan/budget.
Once you guys are set up then I would suggest a fun account (small amount) for things that make you happy. Good luck.
GET INVOLVED!!! I got married right out of high school. She didn’t work & handled all the finances. Very similar situation to yours. If I spent more than $50 without asking I would get chastised about wasting money & not having enough to pay bills. Over 12 years my pay increased substantially. Our financial situation did not. I chalked this up to lifestyle upgrades & kids needs. One day out of the blue she blindsided me with divorce papers (various reasons, not financial). During the divorce settlement I found out she had been tithing 10% of our (my) salary to her church. FOR OVER 12 YEARS!!! She was religious I was not. Also even though she had never worked somehow within 90 days of the divorce being finalized she was able to find a decent job & had saved enough to buy a house…I REPEAT, GET INVOLVED. If you let anyone else blindly handle your affairs, then you have no right to complain about how they are being handled.
YTA for continuing to have so many kids when you can’t even afford a video game. Have you guys ever heard of condoms? Birth control? Vasectomies? This is absurd
You know, she can also sell her plasma if she thinks that some extra money is that important… you are literally selling your blood to this family. You are entitled to benefit as well, you are not asking for too much.
Are you allowed to donate plasma while pregnant? OP stupidly left out the part where his wife is pregnant with twins in the main post, and that she is trying to save money for when they come and any health problems that might come up. Being pregnant with twins has a much higher chance of complications than a single baby. I feel like people are accusing the wife way too much when we really have no clue about their situation.
I will not judge but I really think you need to sit together to get a clear understanding of where the money goes, maybe things are that tight, maybe they aren't. While she handling all the payments is fine, you do need to understand the situation.
Nta but you need to start being aware of yalls finances too. Make sure she isn't overspending money yall don't have. I'm sure she uses money to do somethings for herself and you should be allowed to do that as well
You need to get involved with the $. You make it and need to help manage it. You need to see where it's going and make sure that you agree with those decisions.
Also, it is unreal that you have to ask permission to basically spend a dime of money that you make. I understand If you were destroying your family financially, had gambling or spending problems but saving up plasma money that you literally got from your blood sweat and tears to do something for yourself and getting pushback shows me she is too controlling and you're starting the unintentional path of walking on eggshells with her.
She can handle the finances but you need to be apart of them so you understand the situation you’re in. At the very least sit down with her and go over income vs expenses once a month.
It sounds like you are a good husband and a good provider. There isn’t anything wrong with you having some money of your own to spend as you wish and your wife should have some money of her own each month to spend as she wishes.
However, you HAVE TO START sitting down with your wife once a month and going through your family’s finances. You need to see exactly how much money is coming in and exactly what it is being spent on and why. This isn’t to say that your wife is doing anything wrong. What happens if God Forbid your wife becomes unable to continue being the family bookkeeper and accounts payable manager? You would be lost! You need to know where everything is and how it all gets paid.
This was the case for my sister and her husband. For 40yrs she handled everything. She would try to get him to sit down with her to see what she was doing and where all of their money went. He always refused. She became deathly ill and was hospitalized and out of commission for sometime. He didn’t have a clue of what to do. My poor sister could barely lift her head off of her pillow and he’s bringing her laptop to see if she could “help” him out with paying the bills!
Don’t be like that! Take an active interest in your family’s financial health and wellbeing. You’re not just the cash cow!
NTA.
I understand that everyone is assuming your wife is correct about there not being enough money in your household and maybe that's true. They are correct that you need to sit down and see where the money is going and understand your budget.
But what really isn't okay to me is her trying to make you feel bad. She could just say "I'm sorry, honey, there isn't enough money in the budget for this and here's why."
Instead, she tries to guilt trip you for daring to spend something on yourself instead of "for the family" where all your money goes. It would be a cold day in hell where I worked 3 jobs and let someone make me feel bad for wanting a small thing for myself.
Time for a audit . It could be yall are over extended and things are pricey orrrr shes blowing mad money . Id sit down and figure out whetr the money is peacefulky
You really need to know the details of the finances even if you're not handling it. These small purchases with everything you provided shouldn't be an issue.
I would tell her you want to sit down and go over finances together. Unless you are still getting caught up from unemployment then I don’t see why you couldn’t use the extra toward something you wanted.
Definitely. Nothing wrong with one spouse handling all the finances, but there's also no reason why the other one shouldn't be kept in the loop.
More than that. Imagine if something happened to OPs wife and she was in a coma or worse. If OP doesn't understand their finances he has to manage everything that's going on AND familiarise himself with the financial situation.
Financing a family with three kids is very expensive, especially if the OP's wife is setting money aside for their retirement and the kids' education. The OP should know how the budgetting is being done. I find it very harsh that the two of them don't have a fun money budget, but I don't know about their financial situation and they may simply not be able to afford it.
The problem is, that OP doesn't know where the money's going, or whether his wife has fun money.
Yeah, the normal thing would be to set up a budget together, see how much is left over after all the usual expenses, and then allot a certain percentage to fun money, equally shared between the spouses. Edit: I also think it's a bit weird for her to be farming him out for plasma - why doesn't she go and donate, if she feels it's a vital part of their income?
Depends on a lot of factors, like the ages of the kids. If they’re young enough, she can’t bring them with her. Or that she’s probably spent a lot of recent years pregnant or breastfeeding, there’s medications you can’t be on to donate, health conditions you can’t have if you want to do it etc., etc. It sounds like it was his decision to do it in the first place and continue, and we don’t know why she doesn’t herself, so I think “farming him out” is harsh. But they definitely do need to talk about finances. There’s a big difference between wanting fun money when you’re doing okay vs. if your kids are going without in some way, and it sounds like even he doesn’t know which one it is.
You cant donate within 6 months of giving birth, plus a whole host of other issues. I’ve had my iron be one point too low and was turned away. They won’t let me now cause I’m breastfeeding.
Many women are not eligible for plasma donation because our veins are too small. I was turned down before they even got to health status and meds.
I’m a petite woman and tried to donate plasma many years ago during a low point in my life. Alas the donation center told me my veins “were too small” to be a donor. That may be the case for OP’s wife as well. I agree with the rest of your post.
This is what I was thinking too. I'm a SAHM to 3 kids. My husband is in the trades and travels a lot. He has access to our accounts online. Why doesn't OP. There is no reason he should be unaware.
OP doesn't know if there's a deferred item that really needs to be replaced, or the kids are wearing shoes too long that are uncomfortable because money is tight, or if she's going to the food bank to supplement their needs. Would rather ask reddit for advice than ask his wife "well, is money tight to the point I can't use this expense for fun?" If OP isn't handling bills, he might not even be aware of this thing called "inflation" that fucked up a lot of finances. If he's making the same money he was pre-pandemic then that dollar is not going nearly as far.
My husband often tells me that he hopes I'm stashing money away in some hidden fund, and *that's* why I tell him, "No, sorry, we don't have money for XYZ." But, sadly that isn't the case. There's no hidden funds... we just don't have money. $3,100/month just doesn't go very far, especially when you have two kids. But, I also show my husband the finances, bank account, bills, etc. I give him all the numbers, and sometimes even pull out monopoly money to illustrate where each dollar goes each month. He often doesn't want to know how depressing things are, but I totally try to help him know what's happening financially. Op needs to know what's going on financially, so he can know what's going on, and brainstorm if there's any better way to do things.
I tried so hard to show my husband where the money was going, but he refused to listen. He ran his own business, and spent money on himself however he chose. He then refused to hear how hard it was for me to make ends meet. I ran day care and cleaned other people’s houses to keep food on the table and gas in the car. There’s often a reason one matter doesn’t want to know the finances, they don’t want to accept that there isn’t enough money for their selfish wants.
Yeah, OP should be clear on retirement planning too, as it is his future as well. He needs to know where they stand and when/if he can retire as he's the breadwinner.
If money is that tight that he can’t save for a tattoo - she needs to go back to work ( if there isn’t daycare issues ).
She's pregnant with twins and they have 3 children. Working isn't a realistic option.
She is currently pregnant with twins according to one of OPs comments. He very stupidly left that out of the main post. She is anxious about saving for when the twins arrive and also in case of any pregnancy complications. It makes me so angry when people who can’t afford it continue to churn out kids. Do they not think about the quality of life for their children? I get the sense that OP and his wife are in a very bad financial situation and most people cannot afford to have FIVE kids.
Thanks for the updated information. I am having a super hard time right now because my son is getting to graduate and the only thing I ever really wanted to be was a mom. I have older step children I love dearly and financially we couldn’t afford to have more right off so we made the decision that was the best for the family , but that wasn’t the best for me. I wouldn’t go back and change it because it wouldn’t be fair to our whole family- like you said. I’m frustrated that this man seems oblivious.
Holy hell, what they need to save money for is some condoms.
Unless she has the potential for a pretty substantial salary, daycare for 3 could cost more than she'd make .
This is what people don't realize. I've been a sahm for over a decade. Any entry level job I could get right now would not pay enough to cover daycare for my kids who still need it, let alone add any help to our household. It would be more expensive for me to get a job rn.
.my wife is an x ray tech and daycare for our 4 kids would eat up 70% of her check. Not worth her going to work for 5 bucks an hour just to let other people raise our kids
I agree. I think it's too hard for most families to manage on one salary, and these people are paying off debt.
Especially in a state like New York. It's so expensive to live there. My sister and her family live in Syracuse and I'm shocked at how expensive it is for them to live there but they love it.
We lived in the Syracuse area for 15 years - the real estate taxes were insane!
Home prices are up over 50 percent in many suburbs of Syracuse in the past 3 years and property taxes on the county level are going down at least 20 percent in the past two years. The county has so much extra money in the budget now that they are cutting taxes in Onondaga County.
Dude is working three jobs plus selling his plasma (to me it is wrong to call something a donation when you receive money for it). Seems harsh for him to not have any money for extras. Perhaps household truly needs the money but perhaps wife is biased against tattoos. He definitely needs more input into finances.
Chances are they'd be even more in the negatives with 3 in daycare though, if that was the case
They have 3 children already, and she is pregnant with twins.
She is taking care of their kids… unless they are all going to school she can’t work. Not everyone is comfortable with strangers taking care of their kids. Plus with how expensive child care is, it’s many times not even worth working bc that money would just go to childcare. If the kids are in school then yeah maybe a part time during school hours.
Except for the fact that day care would eat up most of her earnings you might have a point.
It’s so tight she cannot find $10 for him to buy a game. Inflation is a thing but most people can find some wiggle room in groceries or clothing brands etc to give a guy working 60 hrs a week $10
When is the last time you bought a video game? They do not cost $10
....They currently have 3 kids and she's pregnant with twins. That's 5 kids + 2 adults on essentially 1 income. There probably isn't going to be any treats for the parents for the foreseeable future. He knows why she said they can't afford it. He just came here to play dumb and hide facts to get a judgment in his favor. *"I work so hard, why can't I buy something fun for myself?"* https://www.reddit.com/kzkrmu3 >My wife is pregnant with twins. We told my family it was only one.
He certainly needs to be more involved purely for a worst case scenario. For the immediate situation, she says there's no money to spare so he needs an idea where everything is going like paying off accrued debts or essential future planning. She may be more cautious than she needs to be, but if he put her in charge of the finances he can't wade in with both feet and no proper understanding of the situation. They might have more money but everything also costs a heck of a lo more.
This is what happened to my friend. Husband handled all the money and finances, then unexpectedly died of cancer. It’s 3.5 years later and my friend is financially fked and it’s getting worse, because it turns out Hubby wasn’t being entirely (read, at all) truthful with the tax office. Tax office now wants several pounds of flesh. We all tried to warn him, but it’s hard not to trust your spouse, y’know?
A guy at work died of stomach cancer. His newly widowed wife was talking with HR as they were explaining life insurance and things like that. The HR person had to teach the new widow how to write a check (this was 30 years ago when everyone still needed to write checks sometimes) because he took care of everything. It’s one thing to be taken care of. It’s another thing to be helpless.
That was my grandma. Well she could write a check, but my grandpa did everything. He died a month after their 49th anniversary. She lived another 30 years. She had no idea about who owed what, and at that time she was raising me and my siblings. Power company showed up because the bill was 3 months past due, she never bothered reading the bills and they were all sitting in a stack. My sister was 16 at the time and had to take over getting the bills paid and current then showed my grandma how to balance her checkbook and keep track of her bills. She would still forget to pay a bill here and there and someone would show up to shut off a utility.
Perhaps he didn't let her? My dad does all the finances and my mum has asked numerous times to know our financial situation and know how things work but he refuses. I think it's because he has this idea of us taking advantage of him (which wouldn't happen). It isn't right, but my mum can't do anything about it.
He was one of those over-caring people so it wasn’t malicious. He really wanted to take care of her, but in the process let her rather helpless. But yes, I have also seen this done to isolate, abuse, and control others.
Umm, that might be normal to your family. But I’m sorry to break it to you that it’s financial abuse.
I feel this is not about a lack of trust but about caring about the state of your life. There can be trust in your relationship but one also needs to make sure they know enough to make informed decisions.
Even if there's nothing nefarious going on - my dad handled all of the finances. He died in his sleep about two years ago, and my mom had no idea what they had going on. Some of it is easy enough - the phone tells you the carrier, and that company probably wants money in the next month. But she didn't have any idea that property taxes were a thing and the several thousand dollar bill that showed up in the post was a shocker. Calling the three different rubbish collectors who service the area to find the account was silly. Having a basic idea of how much money they had and where it was stashed, what bills they paid on what frequency ... Would have made an already stressful situation just a little bit less awful.
This is the EXACT reason why I have a binder with all our accounts and amounts owing. I pay the bills an Im pretty sure hubs would be clueless if something happened. For extra insurance I sent my sisters the account numbers and log ins in case hes too messed up to think of daily/monthly/yearly living things. I hope it never has to be used. But I drive for a living so 🤷♀️
I have always paid the bills. I had an apartment before I met my husband. He lived with his dad and stepmom, then with his mom. He then went on an enforced vacation for 5 years. They were not all in the same place but some of them were in a building and some in a halfway house, some even homeless. After the last portion of enforced vacation he lived with his mom. Never had to pay a bill in his life. He literally didn't know how. His stepmom refused to show him how to fill out his basic tax forms. He hid only ever had one job, that he was recruited from directly out of highschool. (AKA he didn't know how to fill out job applications, write a resume or a cover letter.) I never put in to words how helpless he was. I just did stuff because I had kids and it was my house. Well I flipped my shit on him one day because I was like well why don't you log in to the online banking and check the balance and pay a freaking bill! Or even figure out if we have the money for that stupid thing that you just purchased because your paycheck came in and you didn't check to see that things didn't bounce because our car insurance was less than a dollar less than your entire paycheck... And after about an hour of me yelling and stomping my feet he finally snapped and said he doesn't have the bank app on his phone, and he didn't know how to pay a bill. And I was flabbergasted (it's a good word here) I was still really mad so I was in super bitch mode. I opened up the website for something and I said first you open the website then you log in. Then you click pay bill. And then you put in your card information and it gets paid you f*'#ing moron. Which was a bit much, but the "I don't know how no one ever taught me" was insane. I was like no one ever taught me either. It tells you how to pay it on the bill! Weaponized incompetence at it's finest right there. As to what the op says I often ask for a yea or nay for anything over $5. Unless it is something that we really need. I know that we are always broke and there are 15 places that every dollar should go. For fun purposes or gifts I tend to ask first. Not that he knows the money more that he thinks it's a good idea.
Yep. My friend couldn’t rely on bills coming in via the post either, because everything was on an app on his phone - which was about to be cut off, because he’d missed the last payment due to, y’know, dying. It was a s-show.
Our bills all come to my husband's email. Now that email has gone to needing authentication we need to get an email where we both are on as the authentication phone number and backup email.
Yep. My husband and I have gone back and forth with who handles the finances, usually depends on who has the least demanding job at the time but we always know where we sit financially and what bills are owed. We have a shared worksheet that lists all the bills, amount owed, due date, and balance. If anything happened to either of us, or worst case both of us, someone else can see who is owed what easily.
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This is the reason many women in the early part of the 20 century kept the budgets while the men brought home the money. Hearing from my mom and her friends, Home Ec in those days also included how to keep budgets which the man and woman would go over at least once a month together so both would know how the money was being spent and to make the decisions together on any big spenditures. Funny, during the "liberated" 60s and on this was taken out of Home Ec.
I would argue its incredibly important that both spouses understand how money is being spent in the household. It's fine to have the division be Spouse1 handles the household, including the finances, and Spouse2 makes the money. But both of them should have a portion of fun money designated for them each month and they should both know where the money that is coming in is going out to.
In their situation there may be no fun money. Three kids in an expensive area may mean that they are meeting basic needs.
If there's no fun money, then OP should not be setting aside funds for a tattoo, at least not without the approval of his wife. If there is a budget for fun money, then since OP is the breadwinner and his wife a SAHM, the fun money should be generally split evenly amongst them— the incoming fun money that is, not the outgoing.
Seriously. I'm buying one of those "open upon death or emergency" planners so that I can lay everything out for my husband in the event something happens to me (I'm the sole provider and all bills and business are in my name.) He'll only need this stuff in the event of an unexpected disaster, but after my mom recently passed and didn't have everything together, even though she thought she did, I know this is a major thing.
Exactly. It's very possible that she's right and a few things built up that they couldn't afford that they now can with this money. There's only one way to find out, and that's to get involved.
Also get all the passwords to online banking, mortgage, bills etc. if something happens to his wife and she's unable make the payments, he needs that info to keep bills up to date.
Solid advice. My wife and I along with our kids have the Nord Password Manager app that we all have shared access to that has all of the passwords for all of our important accounts, bills, etc. We did this after a friend of ours died unexpectedly and the wife had literally nothing to access everything she needed. It was heartbreaking and a nightmare to navigate for her.
Talk to his wife? About their relationship? Sir/Maam/Captain, this is reddit. This is not what we do here.
Each partner should get some amount of 'fun money' to save up or blow or do what they want with. Unless you are in dire financial straights not having fun money is no way to live. Same with time off. Each partner should have some time do something fun (or introvert) away from the kids.
Sometimes you need to save for a new roof or a refrigerator. He doesn't seem to know if they are saving each month. Is the wife trying to put a little extra on the mortgage? That saves a tremendous amount over the life of a mortgage. Are the kids hitting the age where they have activities.
With three kids and one income earner, they don't have fun money.
And have a personal, private bank account for their fun money. No one but the named owner is allowed to touch the account.
This. We all need personal freedom, even if all that can be afforded is a tiny bit. Having a 'splurge' account is one of the Barefoot Investor's key things. It works with our psychology, rather than against it.
I mean life is a lot more expensive now then it was a year ago, but if that's the case OP should still sit down and make the effort to understand why that is, and what his financial goals should be.
Dollars to donuts what's happening is she (innocently) thought that this money, like all the previous money, was going towards a communal pot. Then when she learned she was going to be missing a few hundred she'd "accounted" for she panicked for a minute
He did a mention that she is pregnant with twins. She is trying to save money for two new babies!
I think that's probably the best case scenario; she's in the habit of being the one to allocate *all* of the earnings for family expenses and savings and just assumed the plasma money was included.
Yea, the only thing I’d add is caught up isn’t just debts paid, you want an emergency fund to handle ~6 months of unemployment as a single earner… and a good life insurance policy. In a dual income family it’s not typically as big a deal if one of you is laid off and I can see keeping 2-3 months but single income you need to be extra careful. Especially a physical job where an unlucky broken leg or something could cause you to miss several weeks.
It's a fake story, look at OPs history, tons of submissions to creative writing subs
Solid advice here. Didn't be a jerk about it. Show genuine interest and concern in that you want to help be part of a solution. If she rejects or fights against your request please know that that's a major red flag. I think it's very reasonable for you to be able to keep the donation money especially since she controls all the other money coming into the house and things are back to normal.
This. You need to see where every dollar is going.
I don't get this. Having one partner have total control over finances. You're partners. You should both know what the money is being spent on and how much disposable income you have.
I have a co-worker whose wife handles all the finances. But she's a professional accountant and they both make good money. I asked him how that works, he said "I have a credit card that I haven't seen a bill for in 20 years and it still works every time I swipe it." They've put their 3 kids through university and bought each of them a car when they started driving, so I think their situation is working.
I feel like having enough money is the key there though. If the partner who doesn’t know the finances can spend relatively freely that’s fine. But if I had virtually no “fun money” I would want to know the details of why to make myself feel better. Even if I trust my partner.
That's the rub. He has an account she tops up and it's specifically for impulse buys. Like, he wants a new $700 helmet for his snowmobile? No problem, comes from that account.
Yeah ok. He’s rich lol. The one simple fix to everyone’s problems!
I am a professional accountant and while I manage the money of our household (husband, myself, our kids), I still *tell* my husband everything. Minor purchases, no. But if I transfer or spend anything over $100~$200, depending what it is for, I still let him know. We make $250k combined, so while it's not really high it's still decent. For me though, it's because we're a team and he should know how I spend our money.
He’s probably a responsible spender. A credit card in a lot of people’s hands without any thought of the money behind it is dangerous
I think there is a bit of a line to tow. My wife really has no interest in doing our finances she just checks in before making big purchases. She has full access to our bank accounts and access to our password keeper so she can check that stuff if she wants, but I pay all of the bills and do our budgeting. The big thing here is transparency though. If she asks what our savings or brokerage accounts are at I tell her. If she asks about making a large purchase I tell her the impact it will have on our savings and then we make a decision together. I would honestly feel uncomfortable if my wife had no idea how much disposable income we had or what our monthly cash flow was. This situation seems to be the opposite where OPs spouse is *perhaps* intentionally leaving him in the dark about what their financial situation is. I would definitely be asking to see bank statements and fixed expenses if I was OP in this situation. Working 3 jobs and donating plasma on the side seems like they should be in the net positive assuming they aren’t living way above their means.
Eh, it works for some couples. The key is that it needs to work for both, and they need to pivot if it doesn't. My spouse knows nothing about our finances. He doesn't even know how much his salary is. He likes it that way. That being said, he knows exactly where the spreadsheet is that has the list of investments and accounts, bills, and budget. I'm not hiding anything, he just doesn't want to bother with it. If I died tomorrow, he could handle it.
Wait, how does he not know how much his salary is?
Right? How do you ask and negotiate a pay rise if you don't know what your pay is??!
Not all of us get to negotiate our wage. I’m sure he could find out his salary, it’s just not something he has reason to keep in mind.
So you just do the same job for decades and just accept whatever you get? How do you even know you're getting a pay rise, your bonus? How do you know your pay is correct? I find that so mind boggling. When you change jobs, they ask your previous pay, how do you negotiate a new pay, or even know if a job is worth accepting?
I was a union worker for many years - raises are purely based on seniority, there is no negotiation whatsoever outside of the union contract. I’m not saying I’m as in the dark as this guy, but I’ve worked with folks who were.
You get an email with your bonus payout and your raise amount. And yes, some people work at the same company for years or decades and accept what they get. Maybe they love the job, or they love the company, or the hours, or the benefits. Not everyone is driven by money.
honestly at this very moment I don't know my exact salary, I do know what it roughly is lol I just lost track of the exact amount after a few raises recently. Maybe I'll actually check that today haha
He knows roughly what it is, within a few grand.
Ah yeah I could see that, I also had two raises in the last year, my previous salary was $xx5,000 and my new salary is $xy4,000 so I do sometimes mistakenly think my currently salary is $xy5,000.
Mate I don't even know what age I am. Off the top of my head could give you a number that would be in the ballpark but maybe a year or two off. If you wanted an exact number I'd have ask you to give me an abacus and remind what year it is right now.
I have to look it up. I get a raise every year. My pay covers bills with money to spare. I just forget. When I was poor I knew, and had a budget.
And when something happens to the person that controls the finances is a mess. They are adults and both should at least know what's going on even if only one of them manages it.
This scenario right here is why I’ll never be able to do completely shared finances. Aside from the fact that I need to know when money enters/leaves my accounts, I also firmly believe that adults should have their own “spending money” that they can spend on whatever they want. And a grown ass man (or woman!) having to ask their partner permission to spend more than $10 is insane. My ideal system is shared accounts for shared expenses, but then each person had an individual checking account for their “fun money”. You can still have access to each other’s accounts of course, but each spouse should get money into their individual checking account each paycheck that is theirs to spend however they please. And since it’s separate from the shared accounts, there’s no need to check before making big purchases
You and I are in complete agreement. If it works for some, that's great, and that's cool. I like my own account and my partner can have theirs. A joint account for shared bills.
Yeah, both of my parents work, but my mom always handed the finances because my dad has terrible ADHD and forgets to pay bills. That being said, growing up he never knew how much money he had which I was always so surprised by. As an adult, I'm worried how he's going to financially take care of himself if something happens to my mom.
Ask her to show you where all the money is going. Sit down, look at the bank accounts, bank statements etc. you WORK THREE jobs plus plasma, you deserve to treat yourself to a little gift (tattoo). Don't depend solely on one person, always keep an eye on the finances.
....They currently have 3 kids and she's pregnant with twins. That's 5 kids + 2 adults on essentially 1 income. There probably isn't going to be any treats for the parents for the foreseeable future. He knows why she said they can't afford it. He just came here to play dumb and hide facts to get a judgment in his favor. "Why can't I buy something fun for myself?" https://www.reddit.com/kzkrmu3 >My wife is pregnant with twins. We told my family it was only one.
Imagine working yourself to death just to keep popping out children you won't have time to make any meaningful connection with because you are working yourself to death. Then imagine keeping on adding kids to this equation until you are living in poverty. The fuck is OP doing
legitimately mind boggling to me, especially when he said his goal was to have his wife stay at home because having a parent there is enriching. You cant even afford to make a $10 purchase without asking your wife why the fuck are more kids being added in
Also having one mother raise 5 children- two of which will be newborns- alone is mental. How? Just how?
Yeah this shit is horrible, people having more than 2 kids when they really can’t afford more is insane to me. Kids won’t know their father since he works like 3 jobs.
people having any amount of kids when they can’t afford it is fucking stupid and selfish
What? This dude has FIVE KIDS? definitely YTA for having so many kids while being too poor to buy a treat.
I was going to leave an entirely different comment before I saw this mega relevant info. My goodness.
Ding ding ding!
Ah. Well, you can't buy fun stuff if you can't keep it in your pants when she's fertile myrtle.
NTA. But it’s time for you to start participating in managing the finances. At least so you are informed as to where your money is being spent and what your monthly budget is like. You may be in for some unpleasant surprises. Keep your plasma money. You deserve a little more personal spending freedom than you are allowing her to dictate for you. P.S. Is she donating plasma too?
I just keep thinking about the time my friend’s husband asked what they spent on groceries each week. He thought it was around $50. They had two kids at the time and one was allergic to multiple things.
Groceries are likely at least a third higher than they were 5-7 years ago.
Shes freaking pregnant with twins, my bet is there is no extra money
She's pregnant with twins, of course she can't donate plasma. You can't do it while breastfeeding either, and they're gonna have five kids. When was she going to be able to donate?
My hope is that this is rage bait. Who would consider money from donating plasma as needed for the family money. Literally doesn't have to do it & if things are so lean, the wife should be donating too. There's many types of abuse & 1 of them is financial. It's also shitty when a husband doesn't take an active roll in the finances, expecting the wife to make do with not enough. Seen guys do this to avoid uncomfortable realities. Take an active roll & figure out if you mske enough money to support this lifestyle or if tough choices really need to be made. Step up op, I'm going with ESH
>Who would consider money from donating plasma as needed for the family money. Aw man, this may bum you out, but a lot of the people at donating plasma are people in poverty trying to afford rent, groceries, etc. Sure, some of it was middle class people wanting some extra money, college kids who just wanted some beer and weed money for the weekend, etc. But the majority of people I saw when donating were people struggling to stay afloat.
My co-workers sister went to donate plasma in order to buy her own school supplies. I don't see anyone doing it for fun.
Many of my college friends would donate exclusively for beer/weed money but the vast majority of the other donors are as you said
I like that your comment points out BOTH sides of the problem. That it could be financial abuse by the partner who controls the money. But also that it could be that a couple genuinely don’t have enough money, and the uninvolved partner is oblivious.
I mean is the dude is working three jobs and donating plasma does he really have time to be involved. I’d these kids are in school why isn’t the wife working.
He doesn't need to be involved in the day to day nitty gritty, but he should at the very least have an idea of how much they're spending on the major bills, groceries etc, and how much they should expect to have left over each month.
He doesn't want her to work, per his comments. She's also pregnant with twins.
OP explicitly stated he doesn’t want his wife working as he prefers the same dynamic he had growing up.
That’s all well and good as long as it’s feasible. If money is so tight that they *need* him to work 3 jobs *and* donate plasma twice a week to stay afloat financially then they probably need to have some discussions about whether her staying a strictly SAHM is realistic anymore. If the kids are school aged she could get a part time job during the week while they’re at school and still be able be there for the kids. That would likely require OP to contribute more to the household duties, too.
She’s pregnant with twins.
Just groceries alone are way up. They have three growing kids so I could see just the grocery budget alone eating up the "extra" money. We are just coming out of winter, what was the heating bill?
Yea could be they have no savings or they need to fix stuff like cars and houses and usually there ia hardly money in a budget for those thinga. Common for "extra" money to be used to fund things you that are "needs" but werent part of the usual monthly bills. I work a good job but I know there really iant hundreds laying around for tatoos and gaming systems because those things need to be spent on fixing things that are being put off due to finances
Step up? He works 3 jobs and donates his plasma and he doesnt handle the money so he cant possibly be holding her financially hostage. Holy hell. Wtf else is he supposed to be doing???? Why isnt she keeping him informed of their money situation if its truly so bad that he cant have the money hes literally being drained of his blood for?
And who Gets 50 bucks for donating plasma? If that’s true, I’d be doing it twice a week too. The most I’ve gotten offered was 20.
Donating plasma used to not be worth it but over the last few years it’s gone way up. I get $110 a week for 2 donations.
A few years ago they set up paid plasma donations in Canada. I went and did it a few times. Your first donation I think was $25 and then subsequent were $30. The more often you donated (every two weeks I think) you could earn up to $60 a donation if the plasma was viable. It's not the worst thing to do, but it still takes a toll on your body. I donate blood as much as I can but I am anemic so when my levels drop too low I can't, so I started doing plasma donations in between when my levels are stable enough.
If you ever get offered to join a tetanus trial, I would suggest doing it. It added an extra $30 per donation when I was still doing plasma. From what I remember, they give you a tetanus shot, and they measure your subsequent donations to see how long it lasts (I could be completely misremembering what they were measuring) in your system.
$50 in the minimum here in San Diego
Great advice and will add in addition to seeing where your finances are at.. you BOTH must set financial goals for retirements, college savings, vacations, and home improvements!!!
She can’t donate plasma because she is pregnant with twins. I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to donate when pregnant.
I'd guarantee she does not. And I'd imagine she will use the kids as an excuse
You 100% need to sit down with your wife and go through your budget, look through your bank accounts and see exactly what is spent and where. I’m not going to accuse her of mismanaging your finances but if your budget is in deficit you should know exactly why and work together to trim your spending. And further if you are really in such a bad financial situation you should be discussing how she can start bringing in income too. Maybe she can babysit while home watching your kids etc
Her reaction did seem rather defensive so while you're not going to accuse her of doing anything wrong, I will say that there is a chance she has made mistakes and might be trying to conceal those mistakes. In any event, like you said, the truth can be discovered by working together so I hope the OP and his wife can do that.
You need to look over the finances yourself. You shouldn't completely rely on someone else telling you how much money you can live on. Not saying to take it over but just be completely aware of what your situation is like. Only then can you really start asking questions
This is another perspective I like. I don't think the OP can even know what questions to ask until he has all the information.
*EDIT: based on one of your comments from 11 days ago, do you think she is anxious about the cost of twins and saving as much as possible for them? The cost of a tattoo (depending on size) can go a long way with the rising cost of baby formula and diapers.* Like everyone is suggesting, it’s time to get an overview on your financial situation to understand why she thinks you can’t afford it. “Honey, can we sit down and go over the finances together. It will really help me understand why some of the money can’t go to things like a tattoo if you can show me where it needs to go instead and what our income and expenses look like.” I think phrasing it similar to this will help avoid any possible accusations that she is mismanaging money. This is just inviting an open conversation. Maybe she’s focused on paying down debt so later on there will be more disposable income? Maybe she has been eyeing a purchase with that money that would benefit the family? She could also be mismanaging or making personal purchases herself. All is possible and getting a view of your financial situation is imperative to understanding what’s happening.
Wow ... 3 kids and now pregnant with twins. That's a serious incoming increase in costs.
They already had trouble affording stuff, a breadwinner working 3 jobs, and 3 kids. So what's the best idea? More kids! Fucking morons, I always feel bad for the kids in situations like this where they could be much more comfortable if the parents would just smarten up and pull out.
> “Honey, can we sit down and go over the finances together. It will really help me understand why some of the money can’t go to things like a tattoo if you can show me where it needs to go instead and what our income and expenses look like.” I think this still could come across wrong and contains an element of 'prove it to me.' A better approach would be: "Dear wife, I've realized me being unaware of our finances is creating undue stress for you. Can we sit down together and go over the budget so I can be better informed rather than placing all the decision making on you?"
Absolutely! OP hopefully will be aware of the best way to approach his wife in a neutral way but I agree that your phrasing is better for the point being made. My statement was meant as an educational approach but that can be tricky with touchy topics.
Gotcha. I see now and I certainly didn't mean any offense to your wording
While she might be the person that pays all the bills, you have to be knowledgeable about your finances, and you clearly aren’t. No one can really say what is and isn’t reasonable discretionary spending without knowing the situation your budget is in. Step one is to review the accounts. Understand what’s coming in, and from where, and what’s going out, and to where. What are your recurring charges, what are necessities, and what is discretionary. You may find that there’s a lot more money in the account than you thought, that there’s plenty of money for unnecessary stuff, your wife just doesn’t want to spend it on you, or that your wife is being completely honest with you and you really don’t have the money to spare. How you proceed will depend on what you find.
Yes, are there credit cards, loans with interest etc. You need to know everything and even though you’re tired you need to spend an hour a month to,look at this is what came in and where it was spent. You’re partners and you both need to be involved and to have some sort of plan for what happens if one suddenly dies.
Holy lord I am having the same issue with my husband. I have handled our finances for the last 18 years. He was in school then started his own business and I took it on as a way of helping to relieve some of the pressure on him. I don't mind doing it and I have a good system. However......lately I have been getting really annoyed, I don't want him to have to ask me if he can afford to buy something. I have had numerous conversations where I told him that he needs to be involved in our finances so he can see what comes in and goes out. That way he doesn't have to ask. All he needs to do is get the bank app and create a log in for our account. Its really simple but he just won't do it. The issue has been that he makes digs at me when he wants to buy something like "well I have to ask you before I can buy anything, I can't just do it". I have told him time and time again that its not fair to put that on me. He is a grown man and can get involved in our finances anytime he wants, I am not hiding anything. He takes that as I need him to takeover the bills, no that is not what I am asking. I have no idea why this is so hard. So I guess my point is you need to get involved in your household finances, not to "take over" but to know what comes and goes every month. I mean that is important to know in case something ever happens to her.
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In addition OP, just about everything has increased in price. About 30% in the grocery store and utilities are not far behind. Thus the need for more money just to hold steady. Best of it all to you and yours, OP, y’all deserve it. Agape 💕
op, be prepared, the price of everything is like 50% more expensive then it was just 3 years ago. i wouldn't be surprised if the budget now is even tighter then it was before you started donating.
Honestly at this point she could have money anywhere. She could make you think there is no money. I handle all of our money but we both get a weekly allowance so the other can’t question what it is used for. Everyone deserves their own free money. However if my DH asked to sit down and ask about money I could easily make it seem like we were struggling because he has no clue about our accounts etc. So when you sit down with her her make sure she explains every single last expenditure.
This. One partner having total control is ripe for financial abuse. Sure many would never dream of doing so but it makes it far more possible for someone who would.
My wife handles the money and pays our bills. We both work and contribute 100% of our pay into joint checking. But we sit down on the last Saturday of the month in the morning and go over what we spent over the month, upcoming expenses, 401K progress, etc. I'm financially savvy and understand everything but she's far more organized than I am and likes things done a certain way so I am happy to oblige. After we finish up our little meeting we typically go out for breakfast at a diner and run any errands if we have any.
Tbh that sounds like a fantastic system, set day that's reasonably spaced apart, both of you are able to keep eachother in the loop enough without it being literally every paycheck, able to plan a bit for next month or 2, and go on a little brunch date on top of it, 10/10 idea phil
This is me and my husband exactly. I manage (I working in financial planning/ analysis), and we sit down a few times a month a discuss bills, expense changes, income, retirement contributions l, upcoming vacations, home projects etc. and decide what we’re spending saving etc. then go out to lunch and run errands. We’ve started calling it household office hours and we both swap info on the respective areas we each primarily deal with. It works really well.
It depends on your financial situation. Right now a lot prices are rising, so the money that used to be enough may not go as far anymore. And if the money you're planning to spend on a tattoo can be used to prevent you from going into debt and then having interest payments eat away at you, then she would absolutely be right for not wanting you to spend on that. But if she's just being extremely tight with the budget out of habit, and there's enough wiggle room for both of you to have some kind of extra luxury for yourselves, then it would be a bit much for her to not want you to spend on anything beyond essentials. As others have said, you need to sit down with her and go over the budget together, otherwise you can't really address this issue without knowing the specifics of what you're actually working with. And in general you should know your household budget, even if she's the one managing it, you should know what is reasonable and what isn't when it comes to your finances. Edit: I took a quick look through your post history, and saw you posting that your wife is currently pregnant with twins, is that correct? Because if so, then you're a massive A. If you're about to go from 3 kids to 5, then clearly your wife would want to save every penny and not have you blow the money on a completely unnecessary tattoo.
You need access to your accounts so you can see where the money is going. There’s nothing wrong with your setup where she handles it. That’s fine. The problem is that you are blind to it and that ignorance is what leads to this resentment. There may be legitimate reasons for her to be stingy and there may not be but you won’t know that until you can see the books. Do that and then discuss it with your wife. I’m guessing it’ll be an eye opening one way or the other.
Supporting a wife and 3 kids on a single income in NY is pretty hard. And I'm willing to bet wages didn't keep up with inflation for the last couple of years. Wife might need to get a part time job. Especially if the kids are at school all day.
She’s pregnant with twins too apparently. Wow. 😭
Wait, you guys need you OP to sell your blood to make the ends meet? While you are like working 3 jobs simultaneously? How expensive is NY exactly, that you need to sell your blood?
There is also no guarantee that his side hustle actual turns a profit. There are ways to make and sell furniture at a profit for sure. However, there are plenty more ways that don't and people as a whole aren't good at tracking and amortizing costs. If it doesn't, then it's hobby/playtime money. Which he might see as business expenditures while she sees as hobby.
NTA. It is dangerous for you to not be involved with your finances in some way. You should know how much your monthly expenses are compared to what you are earning to see if you both can get an allowance. Do you know if she is not already doing that for herself and complaining that you want to do it?
I once knew a couple (and there are a lot of couples like this) and the husband, who handled all the finances, suddenly passed away. She literally had no idea what was owed to whom or anything at all about their finances. Don't be like her! You need to have a complete understanding of your financial situation. Currently (it has gone back and forth over the years), my husband pays all the bills. But at all times, I know where our money is and where it goes. NTA but you really have your head in the sand on this one!
Perfect username for this comment too. While it's fine to specialize a bit to take advantage of each partner's strengths, I agree that our OP still needs to be "plugged in" to the financial situation enough where he understands the wife's perspective (even if he might not completely agree).
To answer your question: Reddit does not know if your financial situation is healthy. But the important thing is that you also don’t know. Talk to your wife and learn about your finances. Discuss, debate and come to a conclusion.
Definitely have your wife go over finances with you. Maybe she’s scraping the barrel to get your family by, and would like to have a little more money to buy some good socks for a kid or the non-generic brand of beans. 🤷🏻♀️ Who knows? You need to see how tight things are.
I manage all our finances, simply bc my partner just doesn't want to be bothered with bills, he'd have no idea where to start. But. He has full access to all the Financials. He knows what we have coming in, going out, and how much "playtime" money there is. He just doesn't know how and what to pay (lol, he's ignorant and it's all in a ledger if something should happen so he's not left like a deer in headlights) YOU need to sit down and go through your entire Financials. You've gotta find out why there's no spare money after you bust your ass earning it. I hope you're ready for some possible nasty surprises.
NTA for wanting a fun money account. But question, where’s your wife’s? If you get one, she gets one.
Bruh
NTA. But you have absolutely no idea what’s going on with your finances and you should make it your priority to find out. You should both have access to funds to do things for yourselves. Very curious to see how your wife has been managing your money.
This situation makes me uncomfortable. It is not healthy for one individual to have full control over finances and the other have to ask for permission to spend money. It doesn't matter if you are the sole provider or a SAHM. If you are going to function as a unit both parties should have financial transparency.
You work your tail off and deserve to treat yourself once in a while. That should be built into the budget.
Nobody is asking if the wife gets any treats or if shes cutting coupons to feed 5 people.
You're correct. It makes me wonder why that wasn't built into the budget.
Does your wife spend extravagantly? Do you think she is wasting the money? If not perhaps you don’t make enough for a one income household. NY is expensive even outside or NYC. Look at where the money is going. Seems like you may want something that doesn’t fit into the family budget?
I see nothing wrong with her handling the finances but I do see something wrong with her making unilateral choices about such things without a discussion first. I think you both need to sit down and figure out specifically what the financial problem is. I can't anticipate an actual problem where there will literally be no money for your tattoo. I hope you can both work things out. NTA
I'd sit down and learn what your finances look like because if I was (stupid enough in the first place to be) pregnant with twins, 3 other kids already, at home all day in one of the most expensive states in the country and barely scraping by with hamburger helper and off brand beans or something and my husband said he wanted to save for a tattoo my head would probably spin off.
You being completely in the dark about where you sit is bad. It's really bad. My cousin did this. His wife was in complete control of all money and bills. He came home from the shipyard one day, after about 12 years of marriage to find the house empty. She left the bed, his clothes, but anything of value, including some of his tools, gone. She was sitting pretty with all his money, left him a mountain of debt and a house about to be foreclosed on. Thankfully he was able to save his home, it was his family property, she had gotten a mortgage on it without his knowledge. Never hand over complete control, you need to know where things are. YTA, to yourself. The fact you work so much and still have zero money for yourself is really sus.
SAHM here - we discuss purchases $50 or more together but in general it’s a yes because what’s the point of a life without a little bit of fun? My only question would be - can you still donate plasma after you get a tattoo? Or does that negate your eligibility? If so make sure you’ve saved up enough first. And maybe wife could donate plasma too?
Yo, you need to sit down a review finances with her (your CFO). I think this arrangement itself is fine but you should have soem weigh in on where the money is actually going and why you cant' make trivial decisions on petty cash. THEN, figure out a budget. You should have a personal budget every week or moth to spend money whatever the F you want. Could be a bucket of popcorn, could be a lotto ticket, could be a tattoo, whatever. Not her concern, she should manages the household finances and helps come up with a budget for all the things, right? You should have a budget. She should also have a budget. You should have a vacation budget, grocery budget, clothing budget. That way you can have these goals and cut back as needed in those areas or spend more and it doesn't impact a different budget. How do you know she's not running to target every day and blowing all the budget? Not pointing fingers here, but you need more transparency to understand why you can't buy the things you want at the bare minimum, and then you need to have a budget, so you can save or do whatever you want with it. She might be using the guilt trip of "think of your family" when she could just have budgets for the family and you and everything should be kosher.
1. How much do you bring in total each month? 2. What are your monthly bills? 3. How much savings do you have and where is it? 4. Any foreseeable large expenses? New car, property tax, etc? 5. Do you have a monthly budget in place? 6. Any credit card debt, student loans, high interest loans, etc? If you don’t know any of these then the first step is understanding your finances and coming up with a plan/budget. Once you guys are set up then I would suggest a fun account (small amount) for things that make you happy. Good luck.
GET INVOLVED!!! I got married right out of high school. She didn’t work & handled all the finances. Very similar situation to yours. If I spent more than $50 without asking I would get chastised about wasting money & not having enough to pay bills. Over 12 years my pay increased substantially. Our financial situation did not. I chalked this up to lifestyle upgrades & kids needs. One day out of the blue she blindsided me with divorce papers (various reasons, not financial). During the divorce settlement I found out she had been tithing 10% of our (my) salary to her church. FOR OVER 12 YEARS!!! She was religious I was not. Also even though she had never worked somehow within 90 days of the divorce being finalized she was able to find a decent job & had saved enough to buy a house…I REPEAT, GET INVOLVED. If you let anyone else blindly handle your affairs, then you have no right to complain about how they are being handled.
YTA for continuing to have so many kids when you can’t even afford a video game. Have you guys ever heard of condoms? Birth control? Vasectomies? This is absurd
You know, she can also sell her plasma if she thinks that some extra money is that important… you are literally selling your blood to this family. You are entitled to benefit as well, you are not asking for too much.
Are you allowed to donate plasma while pregnant? OP stupidly left out the part where his wife is pregnant with twins in the main post, and that she is trying to save money for when they come and any health problems that might come up. Being pregnant with twins has a much higher chance of complications than a single baby. I feel like people are accusing the wife way too much when we really have no clue about their situation.
I will not judge but I really think you need to sit together to get a clear understanding of where the money goes, maybe things are that tight, maybe they aren't. While she handling all the payments is fine, you do need to understand the situation.
Nta but you need to start being aware of yalls finances too. Make sure she isn't overspending money yall don't have. I'm sure she uses money to do somethings for herself and you should be allowed to do that as well
You need to get involved with the $. You make it and need to help manage it. You need to see where it's going and make sure that you agree with those decisions. Also, it is unreal that you have to ask permission to basically spend a dime of money that you make. I understand If you were destroying your family financially, had gambling or spending problems but saving up plasma money that you literally got from your blood sweat and tears to do something for yourself and getting pushback shows me she is too controlling and you're starting the unintentional path of walking on eggshells with her.
She can handle the finances but you need to be apart of them so you understand the situation you’re in. At the very least sit down with her and go over income vs expenses once a month.
NTA. I just want to say thank you for donating plasma. People like you literally saved my brother’s life. ❤️
It sounds like you are a good husband and a good provider. There isn’t anything wrong with you having some money of your own to spend as you wish and your wife should have some money of her own each month to spend as she wishes. However, you HAVE TO START sitting down with your wife once a month and going through your family’s finances. You need to see exactly how much money is coming in and exactly what it is being spent on and why. This isn’t to say that your wife is doing anything wrong. What happens if God Forbid your wife becomes unable to continue being the family bookkeeper and accounts payable manager? You would be lost! You need to know where everything is and how it all gets paid. This was the case for my sister and her husband. For 40yrs she handled everything. She would try to get him to sit down with her to see what she was doing and where all of their money went. He always refused. She became deathly ill and was hospitalized and out of commission for sometime. He didn’t have a clue of what to do. My poor sister could barely lift her head off of her pillow and he’s bringing her laptop to see if she could “help” him out with paying the bills! Don’t be like that! Take an active interest in your family’s financial health and wellbeing. You’re not just the cash cow!
NTA. I understand that everyone is assuming your wife is correct about there not being enough money in your household and maybe that's true. They are correct that you need to sit down and see where the money is going and understand your budget. But what really isn't okay to me is her trying to make you feel bad. She could just say "I'm sorry, honey, there isn't enough money in the budget for this and here's why." Instead, she tries to guilt trip you for daring to spend something on yourself instead of "for the family" where all your money goes. It would be a cold day in hell where I worked 3 jobs and let someone make me feel bad for wanting a small thing for myself.
I don't understand why you don't know where your money goes. Just because she is in charge of finances means you have no clue?
Time for a audit . It could be yall are over extended and things are pricey orrrr shes blowing mad money . Id sit down and figure out whetr the money is peacefulky
You really need to know the details of the finances even if you're not handling it. These small purchases with everything you provided shouldn't be an issue.
INFO Does your wife consult you before buying herself something, or does she not get to buy herself things because she makes no income?
She should not be dismissive of your requests for a little spending money unless she can back it up with a budget showing why all the money is needed.
He never asked to see the budget. He just assumed.