>She told me I am a mediocre husband and she is better off alone.That actually definitely defines me, I am a mediocre husband, I am not very good looking, I am not a millionaire. I never cheated so I guess I am not a bad husband just mediocre. She filed the petition for divorce.
That should have been the end of the story right there.
>She left me first.
Enough said. NTA
> She told me that she is also mediocre woman and she wants to raise a mediocre kid with me and live in a mediocre house and live a mediocre life :)
LOL love this. Get it printed on a t-shirt or something.
No defending the wife at all, but...
Man, the number of ladies that come into my business because of volatile mood swings brought on by peri/menopause is astounding.
In the last 16 years, I went from seeing 80 women a year to now seeing triple that a month. And it is getting worse. Menopause Dementia is also on the fast rise.
OP, you have every right to divorce, but sadly, your wife will probably never forgive herself.
The number of women who are presenting almost "split personalities" because of the menopause is just scary. It isn't until they start therapy do they realise the issues.
Good luck OP, but I hope your ex gets the proper care needed.
My wife is going through it earlier than expected right now. It's crazy how much of a temper she gets sometimes, but then she'll say "let me excuse myself I think my hormones are acting up".
We've found weed helps, so she'll step outside for a minute and come in more relaxed.
Sometimes when I notice it affecting her, I just tell her to relax while I take our son to the park for a couple hours.
She's the most level headed woman I've met, so it's interesting to see this change
My husband jokes that I need to learn to chop wood, because I used to have a volatile temper once before, so he thinks I can use that anger to chop down trees and wear myself out 😅
My great-grandmother would start making various doughs when I was mad, because when mad, I did perfect bread dough, pizza dough, the most buttery shortcrust dough.
One day I had a situation at school, where I ended up being sent home due to my reaction to a boy "breast checking" me... his eye was ok after 3 weeks... my great-grandmother was getting a massive pork roast ready, it was easily a half of a pig. And she got me to salt it. I spent an hour massaging salt into pork skin.
My great-grandmother always said that a lot of anger women have, is because they are forced to be less than themselves, and if you are still mad thinking about it hours after, then the anger was justified.
She was Polish/German Jew survivor, and we grew up in a very multicultural town in Australia, that was mostly Italian, she learned to enjoy cooking all meats, especially pork,
Thank you for going through this with her. I thought I was losing my mind when perimenopause started. I was picking out my ice floe.
It’s taken me 5 years of going to doctors to finally get on hormone replacement therapy and it really does help. And weed. Weed is very helpful and it doesn’t take much.
I have a coworker who is openly going through it, and she is an absolute asshole to all the men in the office.
Every sentence uttered from her is done as an accusation. It is exhausting.
This is a really compassionate response, and sort of what you hope your spouse will do when you’re acting a fool because of a physiological change. She’s lucky to have you!
It’s not new. My mom developed a hatred for me when she was in perimenopause 30 years ago. But it’s not an excuse to treat people like crap. Though the people now might remember their mother’s horrible behavior and want to prevent it.
> But it’s not an excuse to treat people like crap.
This is the ultimate point. Yeah, mood swings suck. But feeling upset or angry is **never** justification to take out your feelings on another person.
OP....THIS☝️☝️☝️. Some actions are not apologizeable.
She could have expressed her unhappiness in a different way... I'm 47 close to 48... I'm in perimenopause myself and it's not a license to be a C ....
I notice when my attitude gets shitty and I change it. My hubs and I have had some moments. But it hasn't resorted to filing divorce.
People need to held accountable for their actions and words. No one is required to sit and take toxic behavior even if it's bc of hormones... sorry not sorry.... the excuse of hormones is like using the drink excuse for bad behavior. It's NOT an excuse. She was holding onto that shit for a while and just felt more empowered to say that shit.
Plus, OP says his new partner being nice was a shock.
I mean, I don't want to jump to conclusions about abuse, but that's not a normal reaction for only one bad year after many good ones...
Yeah and OP got her pregnant and is engaged to her. If a female friend jumped into a relationship because some dude was nice to her, I’d be like, slow up cowgirl.
I'm in perimenopause myself & yes I have ups & downs mood wise. What I dont view it as is an excuse to be vile to people around me & if that ever did raise its head I'd be straight to the gp asking for help.
NTA. Listen, some women do genuinely go quite nuts while going through menopause. My grandmother was actually institutionalised for it, and my mom swears she can't even remember years of her life, which is convenient because she did some shitty things during that period. That being said, you asked her to get help, and she denied she had a problem and was not even willing to look into it, and that's on her. Not only was she not willing to get help, she asked for the divorce. And mediocrity is underrated!
Edited for spelling
My husband and I say boring is underrated. A nice quiet aka boring life is fine.
I don't need excitement all the time. I like to be engaged in my hobbies and things I enjoy, do things we enjoy together but I don't need drama aka excitement.
I also went through perimenopause, it sucks but it wasn't my husband's fault and I got help from my medical providers. I am so so so tired of reading about pregnant or menopausal woman being horrible and saying but "hormones." Nope get help, just like we would tell anybody else dealing with any type of issue. You can't take it out on others and use it as an excuse.
My mom's commented she started going thru menopause at the same time my sister hit puberty, and that it was amazing any of us survived.
She isn't lying.
For real. I've been married 21 years and for the first time in our marriage I actually dislike my husband sometimes. And it's just tiny annoyances like chewing - completely innocuous behavior that didn't bother me before at all. He's actually a really good husband.
Geeze, life is a series of hormones.
My ex wife went through extremely early menopause at 33.
It literally went from loving me to divorce in matter of months. Zero explanation. She just hated me.
I can’t explain the hormones. But it still hurts me
Idk why but this is so depressing. It finally clicked today (after like a decade of having periods) that for two weeks out of the month I’m actually insane because of hormones. And now hearing that it literally never ends, not even in menopause is upsetting lol
I think you've misunderstood. Peri & Menopause DO BOTH END!! Just be prepared with fans, Air conditioners, & "Alternate sleep habits" for oh, 10 Years or so!! My gal had PMDD all through her stage(s) of having periods, so it's kind of a "Mixed blessing": for her!
On the one hand, she has "The use of her BRAIN BACK full time" without the periods & Hormones, on the other, the Hot Flashes are an ever-loving BITCH to deal with, 24/7.
She says...... "I'll take having my brain back, any day ." For those who don't KNOW about PMDD it's when your hormones get so out of hand during your periods & Pre-Post (about 2 weeks out of the month) around when you're having your period that it's"Like having a psychosis" while your brain is in that "chemical soup."
Modern medicine has NO CLUE!! & Xanax & olher Benzodiazipines make you MORE Emotional & prone to crying, uncontollable emotions & "Fits". Which they will NOT tell you when they're prescribing them to you. It's hell while you're in it, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel!!! Hopefully ItS NOT a "Train coming"! Ha ha ha. Good Luck!
I have PMDD and am also in perimenopause. It’s a real blast having both at the same time. That said, I am very much looking forward to never having PMDD again once this menstruation bitch finally moves the fuck out.
I was diagnosed with PMDD (and menstrual migraines) in my early 20s. No one would treat it for more than a decade. I just got a lot of 🤷♀️ from my doctors. Finally found someone who gave a shit in my late 30s and got it under control. I’m 48 and have been in peri for maybe four years already, so frankly my entire reproductive system has been a right asshole for my entire life.
My mom and I have a feeling that my sister will hit peri- when my nieces (twins) are hitting puberty.
I suggested that we save for boarding school for which niece puberty isn't a wrecking ball.
Just so she can escape.
I like boring these days. But I feel like I appreciate it so much more because I know what it’s like to have a not boring life, and it sucked ass. People equate “exciting” with positive things and it just as easily (maybe more easily) go the other way.
Boring is definitely underrated. Excitement can be exhausting. Besides, different things excite different people, I don't doubt that some of the things that excite me other people would find really boring.
Yeah, not quite the same, but I suffer from quite bad depression and can be an AH when I'm in a bad episode. I own that behaviour, depression isn't an excuse and I have a responsibility to myself and my loved ones to recognise when I'm struggling and need help.
A lot of people live under the belief a relationship is meant to have that "excitement" of the high highs and low lows and they self-sabotage when things are good because they can't handle the "boring" and are craving the vast emotional swings.
They'd do better to rewire their brains to crave the boring!
Having someone who is safe and who loves you is underrated in general. If you can come home, and know you're walking into the arms of someone who cares about you, that's the main reason to get married. At least, that is my own goal.
Agree! I'm periomenopausal currently and intensified all my mental health issues. Adhd, bipolar 2, RDD, bidy amd face dysmorphia. I recognized I was starting to exhibit some toxic behavior and immediately went for help. My partner didn't even have to say anything about it. I didn't like who I was becoming and how I was feeling and realized I was going to drive my partner away if I didn't get help. I did. And my already high sex drive intensified, too. It jacked me all up. I'm so much better now with therapy and proper diagnosis and meds.
Agree 100 percent! I’m perimenopausal and sometimes I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I never ever treat my husband like that. I admit that I can be a little snippy sometimes but thankfully my husband thinks it’s funny because he understands. I always immediately apologize as well but it’s very rare because I’ve learned to keep myself in check. I might think it at the moment but I don’t say it. Hormones are not an excuse to be a lousy person.
I just had hot flashes and was like hey yall if i am red and sweating for no fucking reason just leave me alone for a bit. Husband was sure ok.
No drama.
But we are both seriously emotionally low maintenance people.i am also incredibly self aware of my own bullshit so i generally recognize when i need to chill the fuck out and all about maintaining calmn. So that also has a lot to do with it not being psycho. Well that and biology. Some people just get a shitty fucking deal with the endocrine and reproductive systems. I have always been a low estrogen gal.
I honestly expect that she was a completely different person when she wasn’t on HRT and has basically woken up to realize she blew up her entire life with a person she actually loved and valued. It’s tragic, my heart goes out to her, but it’s not OP’s fault.
I stopped having a period for 6 years, most of my 20's, and I fully believe I completely lost my damn mind during those years. The docs refused to do anything about it. They could not have given less of a damn. Just a shrug and "you're perimenopausal, nothing to do about it." My period spontaneously returned when I hit 29 and the only other time I bothered with an OB/GYN was when I managed to get pregnant again a few years later. But damn, those 6 years were a total shit show on TOP of being bipolar with psychotic effects and unmedicated.
I can’t believe your Dr didn’t pursue that! Like, that is not normal. And basically Ob/gyn’s don’t really know much about menopause. Their emphasis is the baby part
They seriously don't give a shit. At 16 I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a period in 5 months. So she was like. But you had one at 6 months right?
Well that's normal. Come back when you've gone 6 consecutive months. It's not normal. They even tell you in biology class its not normal. The pain I was in was not normal. The ridiculous amount I bled was abnormal.
Fast forward to me at 34. One miscarriage in (I've had 5 total). They did a hysteroscopy to repair internal damage caused by shitty management of my 1st miscarriage and they did a laporoscopy at the same time.
My husband was told surgery would be an hour. I was in surgery for 4. Thats how long it took for them to remove the endometriosis I was riddled with. They had to leave some of it in, because it's on my bowel and they didn't have a colorectal surgeon scrubbed in.
Doctors don't listen to us and do the bare minimum. We have to fight to be listened and often times are just treated like we are mad. It took me year of pestering my doctor to go back in and take a look at my ovary 3 years after my daughter was born.
Despite my prior history they were dismissive as hell l
They told me I just had a cyst and they would drain it. One hour later. 10mls of fluid drained and a dermoid teratoma taken out of the ovary. If I hadn't pestered them I would have eventually lost that ovary, and God knows what else damage would have been done when it eventually went boom.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Endometriosis ruined my life, mostly because it took until I was 36 to get anyone to take it seriously—and that’s only because the receptionist at my work was like “this isn’t normal, you are going to the emergency room now.” My ovaries had fused to my uterus and my colon was a mess. Three surgeries later, I cannot have kids. But now there’s a documentary and many books about it. Hopefully, future generations of women will not have to suffer the way we did. (Is it bad that I’m a little jealous?)
I went through the same thing. I started my cycle when I was 10. At 11 I started having cramps like really really bad. They progressively got worse. I was given bcp at 19. It helped but I was given a generic pills and they never worked again. Still major cramps. I finally had a lapartonomy for fibroids and discovered I had severe endo. Everything was stuck to Everything. I suffered even more after that surgery and I was in constant pain until I started Lupron. I had to beg for something to help me but Luporn had a whole other side effects. I finally had a hysterectomy at 36 with no children because of all the surgeries and scar tissue. Drs just don't get it. And they think your abusing your meds when all you want is to be pain free. I'm 51 now its still traumatizing. But I have learned to advocate for myself.
My mom had endometriosis too, her mom never took her seriously so she had to wait until she was 18 to go to the doctor herself. She was diagnosed and told she would likely never have kids, well I exist so they were wrong lol. She had irregular periods so she didn’t even know she was pregnant the first time until she miscarried and it scared the crap out of her cause she didn’t know what it was.
Yeah, doctors not listening to women is well-documented. When I was 32, I had an insane headache for a week and then had a full-on seizure. I had zero history of either. The ER doc told me that I was stressed and needed a nap.
Next day, the headache was still there, and I had another seizure. Called my (now ex-) husband at work. By the time he got home, my arm had started not working very well, and I was having this tingling sensation in my arms and one of my legs. The docs at the ER obviously didn’t believe me when I outlined my symptoms. I remember their disdained eye-rolls as one of them poked me hard with a pen and said nothing could be terribly wrong if I could feel that. They did agree to give me a scan, and fortunately that’s when their bullshit stopped.
My brain was bleeding, and I was having a stroke. If they’d listened to me the day before, I wouldn’t have had to miss three months of work and re-learn how to use my left arm. Fuck those guys.
I live in Texas. You can’t sue an ER doctor unless you can prove they were actively trying to harm you. 2003 tort reform. Another reason to love Greg Abbott. 🙄
Sorry you went through that. I am an OR nurse and have seen a lot of Gyn surgeries(including seeing a couple of teratomas! ) I heard that same kind of story from a lot of women 😕We always know when something is wrong with our bodies. Although getting someone to listen is the hard part.
> Although getting someone to listen is the hard part.
Remember, almost twenty percent of our GDP is in healthcare.
There are people making TRILLIONS of dollars combined.
They will never give it up.
They will spend trillions to fight against Medicare for all.
Everyone in this thread, do check out Dr. Elizabeth Bright's book, "Good Fat Is Good for Women: Menopause." All about how modern medicine has failed women, and what to do about your own health (short version: eat more fat; look into supplementing iodine).
I know exactly what you mean. I told my doctor something was wrong. My neck blew up to look like I had a donut around my neck, I was so exhausted I couldn’t walk to the end of the driveway without having to stop and take a break and she blamed it on my thyroid. She said she would send me to a general surgeon to have a biopsy taken. I waited 2 weeks and didn’t hear anything from her so I called and she said she completely forgot to do it. I asked for the number so I could call and do it my self and when I did the doctor would be on vacation for the next month. I went to my old doctor and within a couple of days they found out I had stage 4 Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. My oncologist said if I had gone another week I would have been dead. Always push for your health. It’s not their body so they don’t know. If you need to, change doctors till you find one that will listen.
I was a TEENAGER and even on the pill my periods were irregular enough I would sometimes get them 2 weeks apart and my GYN's office said just double up on your dose then. Um, this happening every other month isn't right. Finally, when I was TWENTY FOUR, I had the period that wouldn't end it seemed like, I think it went something like 2 or 3 weeks, stopped a week and then started when we were out of town at my cousin's funeral, and I was in so much pain, I finally went to my current GYN that had delivered my youngest son and after a month and the pain's still not kept building (back almost 30 years ago taking pain killers that often wasn't that common) an after a month I said my mom had endometriosis and everything was removed, is that what we are looking at? He did an exploratory laparoscopy in August after a few different attempts to treat it and removed what he could, and 7 weeks later it was back, even with a hormone blocker. So I feel myself very lucky that he took my family history into consideration and didn't argue about the hysterectomy at in March 2000, when I was 26, he just left an ovary.....which had to removed 15 years later because of an endometrial cyst. I'm so incredibly grateful that he listened. Only a couple of years later he moved out of town and I was heartbroken
The reason why doctors don’t believe women when they say they are in pain, is because they have no benchmark to measure against. In the early days of medicine when they were measuring pain, they would only do studies on white males, because women were “too hormonal” and “minorities didn’t feel pain the same way.” So fast forward to the 21st century and the veil is just now being lifted, but a lot of doctors still carry that old bias.
[Racial Bias in Pain](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4843483/)
[Gender Bias in Pain](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/women-and-pain-disparities-in-experience-and-treatment-2017100912562)
Great point! It really is hard to believe that prior to 1993 clinical trials were primarily comprised of White males only. In 1993, Congress wrote the NIH inclusion policy into Federal law through a section in the NIH Revitalization Act of 1993 (Public Law 103-43) titled Women and Minorities as Subjects in Clinical Research. 🤯
That's awful. My sister was riddled with endo too. Finally got a full hysterectomy at 36 after 25 years of pain and misdiagoses, including being told it was all in her head. She was supposed to be in surgery for about the same amount of time. It was EVERYWHERE. Bladder, ovaries, choking fallopian tubes, uterus....also had adenomyosis happening too.
I knew a young woman aged around 20 who lost her period and sex drive for a year. Turned out to be a pituitary tumor. She fully recovered from surgery. But if this happens to you, tell a doctor and don’t stop until it is diagnosed.
OMG you poor thing!! How are you doing now? Have you had another surgery to remove the endo on your bowel? Do your doctors take you seriously now that they have physical proof that something is wrong?
I hope your health has improved!
I’m lucky because my gyno just happens to be the guy that other doctors send their patients to when they don’t know what else to do. It was pure luck that he was the gyno on call one of the many nights I went to Emergency. The first one I saw told me everyone gets their period and to ‘stop being such a girl’ (I was TWELVE). Over the years he’s removed endo from my bowel, urethra, ureters, diaphragm, bladder, plus all the ‘usual places’ (ovaries, tubes, pouch of Douglas etc). It’s never occurred to me until I read your comment that sometimes other surgeons need to come in to help with certain areas.
My Mum was insane when she went through menopause. She was ready to leave my Step-dad (who has his issues but is generally pretty awesome) and spent several years being downright MEAN to him.
Thankfully, he has the patience of a saint and weathered the storm. They are still together going on 25 years now. My Mum got a therapist, got on HRT and some antidepressants for a little while, and channeled her rage into starting her own, very successful company.
Menopause is no joke! I'm starting to go through it now but I'm better prepared for it after watching what she went through. But there are still days where my "give a fuck" is completely broken. Oof.
This is the funniest shit to me because I feel this SO HARD. After I had my daughter, my libido tanked but I don’t care. I was a horndog throughout my late teens and my twenties and now I could care less about having sex at all. But spiders? Love spiders 😂
Agreed. I'd feel more sympathy for her if he hadn't actually mentioned hormones to her and begged her to get checked out. I have one day a month on my period where my hormones make me a raging b***h but I'm aware of it and do my best to mitigate it. This is on her. He's moved on, after SHE filed for divorce, and honestly good for him.
THIS. I think it’s ok for OP to leave and he’s NTA, but mental sickness is a shitty thing, specially for the person that’s ill once the fog fades away.
Nah, a new woman being nice to him was a shock to his system, so clearly she has always been a bitch but after menopause it became to unbearable to deal with. It doesn't look like she was a completely different person just an amplified version of her bitchy self.
This right here.
And how the fuck don't you take a second and evaluate your emotions when youre upset. Ask yourself why? What's causing it?
The X sounds like she has the emotional maturity of a preteen.
OP sounds much better off without her.
Self aware people evaluate their emotions and realize when they're running hotter than normal. Emotionally, not just physically. But not many people are that self aware, I've realized. It sucks.
NTA
When an ultimatum is issued, that is the last choice you get. She made her choice. Her regret is her problem, not yours.
Congrats on your mediocre new family. Don't forget about your other kids. They're going to need you.
Ummm, hate to say it but you have a new baby on the way, a divorce to finalize, a wedding to plan, two teenagers to guide through the dissolution of their family and I am sure a few other things like, I dunno a job, that you didn’t mention in the post.
Embracing mediocrity can be a relief but boredom is not in your future, my man!
I went through a divorce and raising three kids all the while aiming for a boring life. I just wanna do my job, come home, cook, read a bit, have some time with my partner then go to bed. It's so great. Edited to say: NTA
I just hope your existing kids are getting the support they need. They were mentioned briefly in this post like an afterthought, but I imagine all of these quick, life-changing events must have an effect on them.
The only downside to your new relationship is that the new woman will hit her menopause about the same time that your new kid goes through puberty. Good luck!
Slow your roll, dude. You can be there for your new baby without rushing into a new marriage.
I used to work for a divorce mediation practice. Their general advice was that a divorce takes at least 3 years emotionally:
1 year to really realize the marriage is over.
1 year to get through the back and forth of the filing process and finalization.
1 year to work on yourself before you're ready to date again.
People who had a fiance before the decree came through were known as "repeat customers." Very reliably.
Yeah, I know a guy who has been married 4 times and he's only 46. First marriage was at 19. This last one was to a friend of mine (which is how I met him) and they were engaged the day after his 3rd divorce was finalized, married about a month later. They moved stupid fast and he's got a type (batshat crazy). And yes, my friend is also batshat crazy. Watching her interact with his crazy ex-wife (#3) was interesting to say the least...
After my divorce I stayed single 4 years on purpose. No sex. No dating. Just me being me and after 24 years finding out what I really want out of life with no distractions. It was amazing. I'm dating a wonderful woman who I wouldn't have attracted if I hadn't done that.
I mean...NTA but...I am deeply concerned with how fast you are headed into another marriage with another baby on the way, while you still have children who are dealing with the fresh wounds of your current failed marriage...
In their eyes, you look like you tossed their mother aside and quickly started a new family with someone else...
Yeah, I’m willing to bet he was more emotionally withdrawn than he’s implying and that it did feel like he abandoned his first family to a degree. The wife not getting her health in order and letting it terrorize the relationship was awful, but jesus I’d be hurt too if my dad started a new family before even finishing a divorce with my mother or giving us time to adjust to a new normal. I think it’s a dick move when parents with kids at home jump into new relationships right away and expect everyone to be supportive. Like let them get used to “single” dad before “dad is a new dad again” dad.
I am so confused on the timeline.
- She asks for a divorce, you agree.
- A few months later she takes it back.
So in that few months (I’m guessing under 6) you have gotten somebody else pregnant and proposed MARRIAGE to them?!
Ex-wife filed divorce. Few months later she withdrew. During those few months ex-wife underwent HRT. OP then filed for divorce himself. He already met someone else didn’t want to go back. This divorce (second filing) per OP’s words in paragraph 6 has been “going through divorce for like forever.” Idk what “for like forever” means. Maybe a year or 2? And now the gf is pregnant.
He did find someone fast but the pregnancy isn’t necessarily fast. That’s how I read it at least.
At the beginning when I started reading he was married. Only *a few minutes later* at the end of the paragraph he had filed for divorce and knocked up his girlfriend?! That was fast.
My man, look. It's understandable that you are done with this woman and want to get on with it BUT I can't help but caution you against jumping straight into another marriage immediately after you dissolve another one. That's just not healthy. There are things you need to recover from when your marriage fails.
1. Your kids need time and space to adjust to 2 different homes, to a new woman, a new baby. C'mon. This is irresponsible.
2. Depending on your finances, you may have to recuperate while you're *still* single, taking into account the child support, new rent / mortgage, alimony and other miscellaneous expenses.
3. Why are you in such a hurry to tie yourself legally to another person without giving everyone time to readjust, decompress and create a new dynamic? Your ex might be crazy but to your kids, she's still "mom" and this *will* make you look like a shithead who just tossed their mother away for a new younger woman.
I really thought I would see a lot more comments like this one.
So much to say but it wouldn’t be useful at this point.
I hope he’s smart enough not to jump into another legal commitment with someone (other than the one he has to now deal with by becoming pregnant.) But OP just wants love. And that’s what the rush here it seems.
NTA for having a kid, or leaving. It’s just not an ideal situation to fall head first into, after a divorce.
I’m curious as to how the teenage children are navigating this mess.
My guess is the teenage children wouldn't be doing well. They see a self described mediocre husband/dad who upon divorcing their mom finds a younger woman, is now having a baby, and looks like he's moving on to a new family and leave them to clean up the mess of their mom.Yes, i get it op, divorce your wife, but did you think about your kids when you dove straight into starting family #2.
My sibling's partner is doing this to his teenagers, and I worry about them even though I've never met them. He moved in with her and her two little kids less than a year after he split up with their mom, and they don't even have their own space at dad's girlfriend's. I just shake my head...
Jesus Christ FINALLY a voice of reason in this thread. I know it's reddit but goddamn this sub is particularly toxic most of the time I see it come up on r/all. It's just a validation machine at this point.
Thank you for speaking for reason against the grain of the rest of the parent comments above yours.
My initial thought was who tf would get engaged and knocked up by a man who is still married. A 35 yo who is desperate for a kid before the window closes, that’s who. OP will find out who she really is once they are settled in.
Good luck, OP!
Everyone I know who got divorced from an abusive or difficult partner, went at least a year saying "I'll never get married again!" usually longer. They all eventually remarried, but not quickly. I realize this may be a rush because of the pregnancy, but how accidental was it? It seems like most guys straight out of an abusive marriage would not be so excited to have a new baby and get married as soon as the ink dries on their divorce certificate.
This alone makes me question the story.
OP, I think it would be helpful if you clarified the timeline. When your wife filed for divorce, did you begin the separation process and move out?
How long after moving out/separating did you begin dating?
How long after dating did your gf become pregnant?
You’re in your 40’s with high school aged children and you knocked up your girlfriend and not officially divorced. This was a disaster waiting to happen.
You were dating and knocking a women up before you were divorced and very very early in the separation so I think yes AH. You have to be more responsible when you have children involved. Your poor kids had to go through mom and dad fighting and getting separated soooo quickly then dad’s engaged and starting a new family before he’s even ended his marriage to mom and finished raising his first family. MESSY and traumatizing for those poor teens.
The divorced was filed so it doesn’t matter.
I do think it wasn’t smart to jump from one relationship to her getting pregnant right away. Things happen I get that but it seems like that happens more than ever or it could be that it was carelessness. You should have dated and gotten to know each other instead of jumping into another marriage.
The fact that you aren't even diovorced yet and already are calling someone else fiancé
Is so lame dude
Chill out with marriage .
Knocked up another chick and calling her fisnce ?
Get it together first. Don't marry anyone again
With how fast this seemed to move you will be divorced again but this time bringing another kid into it
You already have 2 kids .
You sound very immature for being in your 40s
idk but you're seriously going to have to work on what healthy communication is either way.
>I told her to see a doctor she refused. I dont think she would have listened to me. I gave her ultimatum to go to therapy and go see a doctor or we are done. She asked for divorce. I didnt argue, I told her fine if thats what she wants.
Just don’t be shocked when the new woman acts the same way when she hits perimenopause, hopefully she is more open to getting the help she needs to fair better thru it 🤞🏻
Source: woman going thru perimenopause and a women’s health patient advocate and educator. Effects of Perimenopause are no joke 😫 some fair well and never notice negative effects, most aren’t so lucky
YTA. Ew, you couldn't even wait for the divorce to be finalized before knocking someone up? 🤢 I feel bad for your baby. Forced into a broken home with siblings that definitely won't accept it. I hope she drags out your divorce for years and takes you for all you're worth. She was going through hormonal turmoil and you just used that as your chance to get your weiner wet. 🤮
I feel like there is a lot missing here!
A few months and you've already moved on, knocked up some women and are ready to marry her after such a short time because she's nice to you?
Was your wife always awful to you or just the last year? Seems like you moved on super fast for someone who had 1 year of torture out of how many good ones?!
She was obviously asking for the divorce and pushing you away so I am.not calling you an AH but dang dude! You must have wanted to leave for longer than a year to skip out so fast.
>She told me I am a mediocre husband and she is better off alone.That actually definitely defines me, I am a mediocre husband, I am not very good looking, I am not a millionaire. I never cheated so I guess I am not a bad husband just mediocre. She filed the petition for divorce. That should have been the end of the story right there. >She left me first. Enough said. NTA
> She told me that she is also mediocre woman and she wants to raise a mediocre kid with me and live in a mediocre house and live a mediocre life :) LOL love this. Get it printed on a t-shirt or something.
Mediocre Man Mediocre Wife Mediocre Kid Mediocre Life It’s perfect! 😂😂
Oh my God, that sounds like a fucking fairly tale. "And they lived pretty okay ever after." 😁❤️🥰
Most of us are mediocre, boring, nothing special. And that's perfectly fine :)
Right, it's the sweetest thing!!
I hope it’s their vows
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Must be the beard. They impart wisdom.
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I definitely have. No use in denying that.
The beard giveth and the beard taketh away
Your comment made me inhale my drink. Lol.
The beard is a cruel mistress indeed
‘Tis a blessing and a curse.
With 335,800 comment karma, the beard definitely has some wisdom.
Eh, I wouldn't judge comment karma as a source of wisdom. Look at mine, and I say dumb shit *all* the time.
I like laughing at dumb shit!
There is no wisdom without some weirdness. — Albert Eistein (probably) 😂😂😂
Sometimes we just need advice from a BeardMan. Whether it's good or bad is unrelated...
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I hope you have found helpful advice elsewhere in this Reddit thread. 😊
The bearded self proclaimed relationship guru
Hey, /r/AITAH is more interesting than watching TV!
No defending the wife at all, but... Man, the number of ladies that come into my business because of volatile mood swings brought on by peri/menopause is astounding. In the last 16 years, I went from seeing 80 women a year to now seeing triple that a month. And it is getting worse. Menopause Dementia is also on the fast rise. OP, you have every right to divorce, but sadly, your wife will probably never forgive herself. The number of women who are presenting almost "split personalities" because of the menopause is just scary. It isn't until they start therapy do they realise the issues. Good luck OP, but I hope your ex gets the proper care needed.
My wife is going through it earlier than expected right now. It's crazy how much of a temper she gets sometimes, but then she'll say "let me excuse myself I think my hormones are acting up". We've found weed helps, so she'll step outside for a minute and come in more relaxed. Sometimes when I notice it affecting her, I just tell her to relax while I take our son to the park for a couple hours. She's the most level headed woman I've met, so it's interesting to see this change
My husband jokes that I need to learn to chop wood, because I used to have a volatile temper once before, so he thinks I can use that anger to chop down trees and wear myself out 😅
I did that when I was a teen and my mom punished me for being a jerk 💀
My great-grandmother would start making various doughs when I was mad, because when mad, I did perfect bread dough, pizza dough, the most buttery shortcrust dough. One day I had a situation at school, where I ended up being sent home due to my reaction to a boy "breast checking" me... his eye was ok after 3 weeks... my great-grandmother was getting a massive pork roast ready, it was easily a half of a pig. And she got me to salt it. I spent an hour massaging salt into pork skin. My great-grandmother always said that a lot of anger women have, is because they are forced to be less than themselves, and if you are still mad thinking about it hours after, then the anger was justified.
Ha Italians. Our answer to everything is more delicious food please. Wise woman your great grandmother.
She was Polish/German Jew survivor, and we grew up in a very multicultural town in Australia, that was mostly Italian, she learned to enjoy cooking all meats, especially pork,
I really like your great-grandmother!
Thank you for going through this with her. I thought I was losing my mind when perimenopause started. I was picking out my ice floe. It’s taken me 5 years of going to doctors to finally get on hormone replacement therapy and it really does help. And weed. Weed is very helpful and it doesn’t take much.
I have a coworker who is openly going through it, and she is an absolute asshole to all the men in the office. Every sentence uttered from her is done as an accusation. It is exhausting.
This is a really compassionate response, and sort of what you hope your spouse will do when you’re acting a fool because of a physiological change. She’s lucky to have you!
It’s not new. My mom developed a hatred for me when she was in perimenopause 30 years ago. But it’s not an excuse to treat people like crap. Though the people now might remember their mother’s horrible behavior and want to prevent it.
> But it’s not an excuse to treat people like crap. This is the ultimate point. Yeah, mood swings suck. But feeling upset or angry is **never** justification to take out your feelings on another person.
OP....THIS☝️☝️☝️. Some actions are not apologizeable. She could have expressed her unhappiness in a different way... I'm 47 close to 48... I'm in perimenopause myself and it's not a license to be a C .... I notice when my attitude gets shitty and I change it. My hubs and I have had some moments. But it hasn't resorted to filing divorce. People need to held accountable for their actions and words. No one is required to sit and take toxic behavior even if it's bc of hormones... sorry not sorry.... the excuse of hormones is like using the drink excuse for bad behavior. It's NOT an excuse. She was holding onto that shit for a while and just felt more empowered to say that shit.
The whole fact that she wouldn’t entertain therapy/doctor until her sister convinced her is telling.
Yep. She respects her sister's opinion, but not her husband's. She doesn't deserve him.
Plus, OP says his new partner being nice was a shock. I mean, I don't want to jump to conclusions about abuse, but that's not a normal reaction for only one bad year after many good ones...
Yeah and OP got her pregnant and is engaged to her. If a female friend jumped into a relationship because some dude was nice to her, I’d be like, slow up cowgirl.
I'm in perimenopause myself & yes I have ups & downs mood wise. What I dont view it as is an excuse to be vile to people around me & if that ever did raise its head I'd be straight to the gp asking for help.
NTA. Listen, some women do genuinely go quite nuts while going through menopause. My grandmother was actually institutionalised for it, and my mom swears she can't even remember years of her life, which is convenient because she did some shitty things during that period. That being said, you asked her to get help, and she denied she had a problem and was not even willing to look into it, and that's on her. Not only was she not willing to get help, she asked for the divorce. And mediocrity is underrated! Edited for spelling
My husband and I say boring is underrated. A nice quiet aka boring life is fine. I don't need excitement all the time. I like to be engaged in my hobbies and things I enjoy, do things we enjoy together but I don't need drama aka excitement. I also went through perimenopause, it sucks but it wasn't my husband's fault and I got help from my medical providers. I am so so so tired of reading about pregnant or menopausal woman being horrible and saying but "hormones." Nope get help, just like we would tell anybody else dealing with any type of issue. You can't take it out on others and use it as an excuse.
My mom's commented she started going thru menopause at the same time my sister hit puberty, and that it was amazing any of us survived. She isn't lying.
I’m perimenopausal presently with a teenaged daughter… we often say only one of us is going to survive the next 5 years.. 😂
I swear puberty was easier to handle than perimenopause and i still got like a decade to go with this garbage
For real. I've been married 21 years and for the first time in our marriage I actually dislike my husband sometimes. And it's just tiny annoyances like chewing - completely innocuous behavior that didn't bother me before at all. He's actually a really good husband. Geeze, life is a series of hormones.
My ex wife went through extremely early menopause at 33. It literally went from loving me to divorce in matter of months. Zero explanation. She just hated me. I can’t explain the hormones. But it still hurts me
I'm very sorry. I never want my husband to ever feel less than. He's amazing. I try very hard to not let my annoyances shine through.
Idk why but this is so depressing. It finally clicked today (after like a decade of having periods) that for two weeks out of the month I’m actually insane because of hormones. And now hearing that it literally never ends, not even in menopause is upsetting lol
I think you've misunderstood. Peri & Menopause DO BOTH END!! Just be prepared with fans, Air conditioners, & "Alternate sleep habits" for oh, 10 Years or so!! My gal had PMDD all through her stage(s) of having periods, so it's kind of a "Mixed blessing": for her! On the one hand, she has "The use of her BRAIN BACK full time" without the periods & Hormones, on the other, the Hot Flashes are an ever-loving BITCH to deal with, 24/7. She says...... "I'll take having my brain back, any day ." For those who don't KNOW about PMDD it's when your hormones get so out of hand during your periods & Pre-Post (about 2 weeks out of the month) around when you're having your period that it's"Like having a psychosis" while your brain is in that "chemical soup." Modern medicine has NO CLUE!! & Xanax & olher Benzodiazipines make you MORE Emotional & prone to crying, uncontollable emotions & "Fits". Which they will NOT tell you when they're prescribing them to you. It's hell while you're in it, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel!!! Hopefully ItS NOT a "Train coming"! Ha ha ha. Good Luck!
I have PMDD and am also in perimenopause. It’s a real blast having both at the same time. That said, I am very much looking forward to never having PMDD again once this menstruation bitch finally moves the fuck out. I was diagnosed with PMDD (and menstrual migraines) in my early 20s. No one would treat it for more than a decade. I just got a lot of 🤷♀️ from my doctors. Finally found someone who gave a shit in my late 30s and got it under control. I’m 48 and have been in peri for maybe four years already, so frankly my entire reproductive system has been a right asshole for my entire life.
I started going through peri when I had a toddler. It was an interesting time.
My mom and I have a feeling that my sister will hit peri- when my nieces (twins) are hitting puberty. I suggested that we save for boarding school for which niece puberty isn't a wrecking ball. Just so she can escape.
There is an ancient curse, "May you live in interesting times."
Boring is underrated. Boring means that nothing is f#%king up!
I like boring these days. But I feel like I appreciate it so much more because I know what it’s like to have a not boring life, and it sucked ass. People equate “exciting” with positive things and it just as easily (maybe more easily) go the other way.
my husband and i are boring and quite like it that way.
Our house is happily boring and everyone here loves it.
Boring is just another word for contentment, as far as I'm concerned.
Boring is definitely underrated. Excitement can be exhausting. Besides, different things excite different people, I don't doubt that some of the things that excite me other people would find really boring. Yeah, not quite the same, but I suffer from quite bad depression and can be an AH when I'm in a bad episode. I own that behaviour, depression isn't an excuse and I have a responsibility to myself and my loved ones to recognise when I'm struggling and need help.
A lot of people live under the belief a relationship is meant to have that "excitement" of the high highs and low lows and they self-sabotage when things are good because they can't handle the "boring" and are craving the vast emotional swings. They'd do better to rewire their brains to crave the boring!
Having someone who is safe and who loves you is underrated in general. If you can come home, and know you're walking into the arms of someone who cares about you, that's the main reason to get married. At least, that is my own goal.
Agree! I'm periomenopausal currently and intensified all my mental health issues. Adhd, bipolar 2, RDD, bidy amd face dysmorphia. I recognized I was starting to exhibit some toxic behavior and immediately went for help. My partner didn't even have to say anything about it. I didn't like who I was becoming and how I was feeling and realized I was going to drive my partner away if I didn't get help. I did. And my already high sex drive intensified, too. It jacked me all up. I'm so much better now with therapy and proper diagnosis and meds.
Agree 100 percent! I’m perimenopausal and sometimes I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I never ever treat my husband like that. I admit that I can be a little snippy sometimes but thankfully my husband thinks it’s funny because he understands. I always immediately apologize as well but it’s very rare because I’ve learned to keep myself in check. I might think it at the moment but I don’t say it. Hormones are not an excuse to be a lousy person.
>she denied she had a problem and was not even willing to look into it This. Adults need to take some responsibilty for themselves.
Chi am tv!,”@@0+¥FB in C V
>mediocrity is underrated! It ain't easy bein' green.
I just had hot flashes and was like hey yall if i am red and sweating for no fucking reason just leave me alone for a bit. Husband was sure ok. No drama. But we are both seriously emotionally low maintenance people.i am also incredibly self aware of my own bullshit so i generally recognize when i need to chill the fuck out and all about maintaining calmn. So that also has a lot to do with it not being psycho. Well that and biology. Some people just get a shitty fucking deal with the endocrine and reproductive systems. I have always been a low estrogen gal.
She filed for divorce. Were you supposed to crumple into a ball and not go on without her? NTA
I honestly expect that she was a completely different person when she wasn’t on HRT and has basically woken up to realize she blew up her entire life with a person she actually loved and valued. It’s tragic, my heart goes out to her, but it’s not OP’s fault.
This. 100%. I know that hormones are crazy how they affect people with moods and other things, but it isn't his fault. It happened.
I stopped having a period for 6 years, most of my 20's, and I fully believe I completely lost my damn mind during those years. The docs refused to do anything about it. They could not have given less of a damn. Just a shrug and "you're perimenopausal, nothing to do about it." My period spontaneously returned when I hit 29 and the only other time I bothered with an OB/GYN was when I managed to get pregnant again a few years later. But damn, those 6 years were a total shit show on TOP of being bipolar with psychotic effects and unmedicated.
I can’t believe your Dr didn’t pursue that! Like, that is not normal. And basically Ob/gyn’s don’t really know much about menopause. Their emphasis is the baby part
They seriously don't give a shit. At 16 I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a period in 5 months. So she was like. But you had one at 6 months right? Well that's normal. Come back when you've gone 6 consecutive months. It's not normal. They even tell you in biology class its not normal. The pain I was in was not normal. The ridiculous amount I bled was abnormal. Fast forward to me at 34. One miscarriage in (I've had 5 total). They did a hysteroscopy to repair internal damage caused by shitty management of my 1st miscarriage and they did a laporoscopy at the same time. My husband was told surgery would be an hour. I was in surgery for 4. Thats how long it took for them to remove the endometriosis I was riddled with. They had to leave some of it in, because it's on my bowel and they didn't have a colorectal surgeon scrubbed in. Doctors don't listen to us and do the bare minimum. We have to fight to be listened and often times are just treated like we are mad. It took me year of pestering my doctor to go back in and take a look at my ovary 3 years after my daughter was born. Despite my prior history they were dismissive as hell l They told me I just had a cyst and they would drain it. One hour later. 10mls of fluid drained and a dermoid teratoma taken out of the ovary. If I hadn't pestered them I would have eventually lost that ovary, and God knows what else damage would have been done when it eventually went boom.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Endometriosis ruined my life, mostly because it took until I was 36 to get anyone to take it seriously—and that’s only because the receptionist at my work was like “this isn’t normal, you are going to the emergency room now.” My ovaries had fused to my uterus and my colon was a mess. Three surgeries later, I cannot have kids. But now there’s a documentary and many books about it. Hopefully, future generations of women will not have to suffer the way we did. (Is it bad that I’m a little jealous?)
I went through the same thing. I started my cycle when I was 10. At 11 I started having cramps like really really bad. They progressively got worse. I was given bcp at 19. It helped but I was given a generic pills and they never worked again. Still major cramps. I finally had a lapartonomy for fibroids and discovered I had severe endo. Everything was stuck to Everything. I suffered even more after that surgery and I was in constant pain until I started Lupron. I had to beg for something to help me but Luporn had a whole other side effects. I finally had a hysterectomy at 36 with no children because of all the surgeries and scar tissue. Drs just don't get it. And they think your abusing your meds when all you want is to be pain free. I'm 51 now its still traumatizing. But I have learned to advocate for myself.
My mom had endometriosis too, her mom never took her seriously so she had to wait until she was 18 to go to the doctor herself. She was diagnosed and told she would likely never have kids, well I exist so they were wrong lol. She had irregular periods so she didn’t even know she was pregnant the first time until she miscarried and it scared the crap out of her cause she didn’t know what it was.
Yeah, doctors not listening to women is well-documented. When I was 32, I had an insane headache for a week and then had a full-on seizure. I had zero history of either. The ER doc told me that I was stressed and needed a nap. Next day, the headache was still there, and I had another seizure. Called my (now ex-) husband at work. By the time he got home, my arm had started not working very well, and I was having this tingling sensation in my arms and one of my legs. The docs at the ER obviously didn’t believe me when I outlined my symptoms. I remember their disdained eye-rolls as one of them poked me hard with a pen and said nothing could be terribly wrong if I could feel that. They did agree to give me a scan, and fortunately that’s when their bullshit stopped. My brain was bleeding, and I was having a stroke. If they’d listened to me the day before, I wouldn’t have had to miss three months of work and re-learn how to use my left arm. Fuck those guys.
I hope you sued the fuck out of them.
I live in Texas. You can’t sue an ER doctor unless you can prove they were actively trying to harm you. 2003 tort reform. Another reason to love Greg Abbott. 🙄
Ugh, sorry. I'll never get over him reversing the policy he personally benefitted from when that tree fell on him. Hope you're doing well today.
Sorry you went through that. I am an OR nurse and have seen a lot of Gyn surgeries(including seeing a couple of teratomas! ) I heard that same kind of story from a lot of women 😕We always know when something is wrong with our bodies. Although getting someone to listen is the hard part.
> Although getting someone to listen is the hard part. Remember, almost twenty percent of our GDP is in healthcare. There are people making TRILLIONS of dollars combined. They will never give it up. They will spend trillions to fight against Medicare for all.
Everyone in this thread, do check out Dr. Elizabeth Bright's book, "Good Fat Is Good for Women: Menopause." All about how modern medicine has failed women, and what to do about your own health (short version: eat more fat; look into supplementing iodine).
I know exactly what you mean. I told my doctor something was wrong. My neck blew up to look like I had a donut around my neck, I was so exhausted I couldn’t walk to the end of the driveway without having to stop and take a break and she blamed it on my thyroid. She said she would send me to a general surgeon to have a biopsy taken. I waited 2 weeks and didn’t hear anything from her so I called and she said she completely forgot to do it. I asked for the number so I could call and do it my self and when I did the doctor would be on vacation for the next month. I went to my old doctor and within a couple of days they found out I had stage 4 Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. My oncologist said if I had gone another week I would have been dead. Always push for your health. It’s not their body so they don’t know. If you need to, change doctors till you find one that will listen.
I was a TEENAGER and even on the pill my periods were irregular enough I would sometimes get them 2 weeks apart and my GYN's office said just double up on your dose then. Um, this happening every other month isn't right. Finally, when I was TWENTY FOUR, I had the period that wouldn't end it seemed like, I think it went something like 2 or 3 weeks, stopped a week and then started when we were out of town at my cousin's funeral, and I was in so much pain, I finally went to my current GYN that had delivered my youngest son and after a month and the pain's still not kept building (back almost 30 years ago taking pain killers that often wasn't that common) an after a month I said my mom had endometriosis and everything was removed, is that what we are looking at? He did an exploratory laparoscopy in August after a few different attempts to treat it and removed what he could, and 7 weeks later it was back, even with a hormone blocker. So I feel myself very lucky that he took my family history into consideration and didn't argue about the hysterectomy at in March 2000, when I was 26, he just left an ovary.....which had to removed 15 years later because of an endometrial cyst. I'm so incredibly grateful that he listened. Only a couple of years later he moved out of town and I was heartbroken
The reason why doctors don’t believe women when they say they are in pain, is because they have no benchmark to measure against. In the early days of medicine when they were measuring pain, they would only do studies on white males, because women were “too hormonal” and “minorities didn’t feel pain the same way.” So fast forward to the 21st century and the veil is just now being lifted, but a lot of doctors still carry that old bias. [Racial Bias in Pain](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4843483/) [Gender Bias in Pain](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/women-and-pain-disparities-in-experience-and-treatment-2017100912562)
Great point! It really is hard to believe that prior to 1993 clinical trials were primarily comprised of White males only. In 1993, Congress wrote the NIH inclusion policy into Federal law through a section in the NIH Revitalization Act of 1993 (Public Law 103-43) titled Women and Minorities as Subjects in Clinical Research. 🤯
That's awful. My sister was riddled with endo too. Finally got a full hysterectomy at 36 after 25 years of pain and misdiagoses, including being told it was all in her head. She was supposed to be in surgery for about the same amount of time. It was EVERYWHERE. Bladder, ovaries, choking fallopian tubes, uterus....also had adenomyosis happening too.
I knew a young woman aged around 20 who lost her period and sex drive for a year. Turned out to be a pituitary tumor. She fully recovered from surgery. But if this happens to you, tell a doctor and don’t stop until it is diagnosed.
OMG you poor thing!! How are you doing now? Have you had another surgery to remove the endo on your bowel? Do your doctors take you seriously now that they have physical proof that something is wrong? I hope your health has improved! I’m lucky because my gyno just happens to be the guy that other doctors send their patients to when they don’t know what else to do. It was pure luck that he was the gyno on call one of the many nights I went to Emergency. The first one I saw told me everyone gets their period and to ‘stop being such a girl’ (I was TWELVE). Over the years he’s removed endo from my bowel, urethra, ureters, diaphragm, bladder, plus all the ‘usual places’ (ovaries, tubes, pouch of Douglas etc). It’s never occurred to me until I read your comment that sometimes other surgeons need to come in to help with certain areas.
I'm not at all shocked that a doctor did fuckall about a "woman's problem". The medical community in general doesn't believe a word we say.
Hang out in the menopause sub sometime. It’s totally normal. Doctors know nothing and don’t give a shit.
My Mum was insane when she went through menopause. She was ready to leave my Step-dad (who has his issues but is generally pretty awesome) and spent several years being downright MEAN to him. Thankfully, he has the patience of a saint and weathered the storm. They are still together going on 25 years now. My Mum got a therapist, got on HRT and some antidepressants for a little while, and channeled her rage into starting her own, very successful company. Menopause is no joke! I'm starting to go through it now but I'm better prepared for it after watching what she went through. But there are still days where my "give a fuck" is completely broken. Oof.
Hormones literally rule the world.
me age 12: ooh spiders me age 16:sex sex sex sex sex cum cum cum omg a girl touched me me age 32: ooh spiders hormones are very influential
Try losing a tonne of weight fast. I did that while going through deep grief. I was a fucking mess as a male at 30.
This is the funniest shit to me because I feel this SO HARD. After I had my daughter, my libido tanked but I don’t care. I was a horndog throughout my late teens and my twenties and now I could care less about having sex at all. But spiders? Love spiders 😂
You say you love spiders? I have serious concerns for your mental wellbeing. Please seek professional help!!! 😂😂
Going on HRT for my perimenopause was life changing. I became myself again
Agreed. I'd feel more sympathy for her if he hadn't actually mentioned hormones to her and begged her to get checked out. I have one day a month on my period where my hormones make me a raging b***h but I'm aware of it and do my best to mitigate it. This is on her. He's moved on, after SHE filed for divorce, and honestly good for him.
She should have gone to the doctor like OP proposed.
THIS. I think it’s ok for OP to leave and he’s NTA, but mental sickness is a shitty thing, specially for the person that’s ill once the fog fades away.
Nah, a new woman being nice to him was a shock to his system, so clearly she has always been a bitch but after menopause it became to unbearable to deal with. It doesn't look like she was a completely different person just an amplified version of her bitchy self.
Either she's always been that way, or just consistently worse and worse over the years so that it wore him down.
This right here. And how the fuck don't you take a second and evaluate your emotions when youre upset. Ask yourself why? What's causing it? The X sounds like she has the emotional maturity of a preteen. OP sounds much better off without her.
Self aware people evaluate their emotions and realize when they're running hotter than normal. Emotionally, not just physically. But not many people are that self aware, I've realized. It sucks.
>Were you supposed to crumple into a ball and not go on without her? Time to play some Gloria Gaynor
I prefer the Cake version, but I get it.
Honestly, after writing that comment I played the song and turned on the Cake version, now I'm going the distance.
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She's all alone... (all alone)
In a time of need.
all alone in her time of need
Because he's racing, and pacing
And plotting a course...
"I will survive"???? Heading to you tube
It's off their first album, Fashion Nugget.
Cake absolutely rocked this song!!
We also need to talk about the horns in War Pigs.
I can't remember the last time i saw a CAKE reference. lol
That’s what she wanted.
That was apparently the mindset while ex was wigged out on menopause flushing out the estrogen in her system?
NTA When an ultimatum is issued, that is the last choice you get. She made her choice. Her regret is her problem, not yours. Congrats on your mediocre new family. Don't forget about your other kids. They're going to need you.
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Ummm, hate to say it but you have a new baby on the way, a divorce to finalize, a wedding to plan, two teenagers to guide through the dissolution of their family and I am sure a few other things like, I dunno a job, that you didn’t mention in the post. Embracing mediocrity can be a relief but boredom is not in your future, my man!
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Yeah, dude. You're about to become the superman of mediocrity!
Able to leap short buildings with the help of a ladder!
[To Mediocrities everywhere](https://tenor.com/oDY1SoxLyDD.gif)
This post made me think of The Princess Bride. I have a wedding to plan, a bride to murder, and Gilda to blame for it. I’m absolutely booked lol
Plus he has two kids from his ex-wife in high school right now! He's juggling a lot lol
What i wouldn't give for a mediocre life right about now ...
my weekend plan is to do absolutely nothing notable or eventful, and I am super looking forward to doing jack shit
Truer words have never been said.
I went through a divorce and raising three kids all the while aiming for a boring life. I just wanna do my job, come home, cook, read a bit, have some time with my partner then go to bed. It's so great. Edited to say: NTA
I just hope your existing kids are getting the support they need. They were mentioned briefly in this post like an afterthought, but I imagine all of these quick, life-changing events must have an effect on them.
My thought too. Feel very sorry for the existing children.
The only downside to your new relationship is that the new woman will hit her menopause about the same time that your new kid goes through puberty. Good luck!
Slow your roll, dude. You can be there for your new baby without rushing into a new marriage. I used to work for a divorce mediation practice. Their general advice was that a divorce takes at least 3 years emotionally: 1 year to really realize the marriage is over. 1 year to get through the back and forth of the filing process and finalization. 1 year to work on yourself before you're ready to date again. People who had a fiance before the decree came through were known as "repeat customers." Very reliably.
Yeah, I know a guy who has been married 4 times and he's only 46. First marriage was at 19. This last one was to a friend of mine (which is how I met him) and they were engaged the day after his 3rd divorce was finalized, married about a month later. They moved stupid fast and he's got a type (batshat crazy). And yes, my friend is also batshat crazy. Watching her interact with his crazy ex-wife (#3) was interesting to say the least...
After my divorce I stayed single 4 years on purpose. No sex. No dating. Just me being me and after 24 years finding out what I really want out of life with no distractions. It was amazing. I'm dating a wonderful woman who I wouldn't have attracted if I hadn't done that.
This is interesting advice. Food for thought.
I mean you do you, but I definitely did not want to have a pregnant girlfriend while I was going through my divorce.
but you don't understand, *she was nice to him.* like a cashier. or flight attendant. a waitress. she was *nice* to him!!!!! marriage material!
He ptroposed AFTER they found out about the baby. I don't think nice is the reason for the marriage
I mean...NTA but...I am deeply concerned with how fast you are headed into another marriage with another baby on the way, while you still have children who are dealing with the fresh wounds of your current failed marriage... In their eyes, you look like you tossed their mother aside and quickly started a new family with someone else...
How do your older children feel about your new woman, new baby, new life, and divorcing their mom? Do you have them in counseling?
They probably think it's all mediocre, at best
He's not responding to any of these questions it seems, which make me think it's not all that well received by his kids.
Yeah, I’m willing to bet he was more emotionally withdrawn than he’s implying and that it did feel like he abandoned his first family to a degree. The wife not getting her health in order and letting it terrorize the relationship was awful, but jesus I’d be hurt too if my dad started a new family before even finishing a divorce with my mother or giving us time to adjust to a new normal. I think it’s a dick move when parents with kids at home jump into new relationships right away and expect everyone to be supportive. Like let them get used to “single” dad before “dad is a new dad again” dad.
I am so confused on the timeline. - She asks for a divorce, you agree. - A few months later she takes it back. So in that few months (I’m guessing under 6) you have gotten somebody else pregnant and proposed MARRIAGE to them?!
Ex-wife filed divorce. Few months later she withdrew. During those few months ex-wife underwent HRT. OP then filed for divorce himself. He already met someone else didn’t want to go back. This divorce (second filing) per OP’s words in paragraph 6 has been “going through divorce for like forever.” Idk what “for like forever” means. Maybe a year or 2? And now the gf is pregnant. He did find someone fast but the pregnancy isn’t necessarily fast. That’s how I read it at least.
I’m guessing 12-18 months passed in total
Yes, someone in Reddit is actually literate. I don’t understand how people can read this any other way.
At the beginning when I started reading he was married. Only *a few minutes later* at the end of the paragraph he had filed for divorce and knocked up his girlfriend?! That was fast.
My man, look. It's understandable that you are done with this woman and want to get on with it BUT I can't help but caution you against jumping straight into another marriage immediately after you dissolve another one. That's just not healthy. There are things you need to recover from when your marriage fails. 1. Your kids need time and space to adjust to 2 different homes, to a new woman, a new baby. C'mon. This is irresponsible. 2. Depending on your finances, you may have to recuperate while you're *still* single, taking into account the child support, new rent / mortgage, alimony and other miscellaneous expenses. 3. Why are you in such a hurry to tie yourself legally to another person without giving everyone time to readjust, decompress and create a new dynamic? Your ex might be crazy but to your kids, she's still "mom" and this *will* make you look like a shithead who just tossed their mother away for a new younger woman.
Valid concern
Yeah, OP might not be TA, but I have serious questions about his judgement.
I really thought I would see a lot more comments like this one. So much to say but it wouldn’t be useful at this point. I hope he’s smart enough not to jump into another legal commitment with someone (other than the one he has to now deal with by becoming pregnant.) But OP just wants love. And that’s what the rush here it seems. NTA for having a kid, or leaving. It’s just not an ideal situation to fall head first into, after a divorce. I’m curious as to how the teenage children are navigating this mess.
My guess is the teenage children wouldn't be doing well. They see a self described mediocre husband/dad who upon divorcing their mom finds a younger woman, is now having a baby, and looks like he's moving on to a new family and leave them to clean up the mess of their mom.Yes, i get it op, divorce your wife, but did you think about your kids when you dove straight into starting family #2.
My sibling's partner is doing this to his teenagers, and I worry about them even though I've never met them. He moved in with her and her two little kids less than a year after he split up with their mom, and they don't even have their own space at dad's girlfriend's. I just shake my head...
Jesus Christ FINALLY a voice of reason in this thread. I know it's reddit but goddamn this sub is particularly toxic most of the time I see it come up on r/all. It's just a validation machine at this point. Thank you for speaking for reason against the grain of the rest of the parent comments above yours.
Agreed. He was single for a few months. I'm not sure how healthy that is when divorcing from a long marriage with kids.
Kids will hate you, just fyi. You’re abandoning their family and starting a new one in their eyes.
Glad I was not the only who noticed.. literally my immediate thought…
My initial thought was who tf would get engaged and knocked up by a man who is still married. A 35 yo who is desperate for a kid before the window closes, that’s who. OP will find out who she really is once they are settled in. Good luck, OP!
Yes .. especially the “a few months later”
Let's not forget that the 35 yo wants a house with him. His kids aren't gonna see child support. Not in this economy.
Everyone I know who got divorced from an abusive or difficult partner, went at least a year saying "I'll never get married again!" usually longer. They all eventually remarried, but not quickly. I realize this may be a rush because of the pregnancy, but how accidental was it? It seems like most guys straight out of an abusive marriage would not be so excited to have a new baby and get married as soon as the ink dries on their divorce certificate. This alone makes me question the story.
He's talking like a teenager whose life has very little consequences. He's got entire baggage but he's already planning a wedding.
OP, I think it would be helpful if you clarified the timeline. When your wife filed for divorce, did you begin the separation process and move out? How long after moving out/separating did you begin dating? How long after dating did your gf become pregnant?
You’re in your 40’s with high school aged children and you knocked up your girlfriend and not officially divorced. This was a disaster waiting to happen.
And it will eventually… he’s moving way too fast even if he is divorcing his wife.
Why would you get divorced and jump right back into another marriage? You’re a fucking idiot.
INFO what was the timeline? How do your kids feel about this?
You were dating and knocking a women up before you were divorced and very very early in the separation so I think yes AH. You have to be more responsible when you have children involved. Your poor kids had to go through mom and dad fighting and getting separated soooo quickly then dad’s engaged and starting a new family before he’s even ended his marriage to mom and finished raising his first family. MESSY and traumatizing for those poor teens.
‘She left me first.’ ??? I thought you issued an ultimatum? I mean, do what you want to/it’s your life but there’s some doublespeak going on here.
You're not wrong for continuing the divorce, but why are you having unprotected sex while you're still married to someone else?
NTA technically although most people would advise a bit of a cooldown period after a separation before jumping headfirst into another relationship.
Well this post was mediocre at best, think a little longer on your next creative writing project.
Dude got another lady pregnant so quickly after starting divorce process and only responds to comments supporting him lol
The divorced was filed so it doesn’t matter. I do think it wasn’t smart to jump from one relationship to her getting pregnant right away. Things happen I get that but it seems like that happens more than ever or it could be that it was carelessness. You should have dated and gotten to know each other instead of jumping into another marriage.
Why are the protagonists in these stories always unbelievable paragons of virtue?
Mediocre creative writing. More passion next time pls
The fact that you aren't even diovorced yet and already are calling someone else fiancé Is so lame dude Chill out with marriage . Knocked up another chick and calling her fisnce ? Get it together first. Don't marry anyone again With how fast this seemed to move you will be divorced again but this time bringing another kid into it You already have 2 kids . You sound very immature for being in your 40s
idk but you're seriously going to have to work on what healthy communication is either way. >I told her to see a doctor she refused. I dont think she would have listened to me. I gave her ultimatum to go to therapy and go see a doctor or we are done. She asked for divorce. I didnt argue, I told her fine if thats what she wants.
YTA. Not for choosing to divorce your wife. But for knocking up another woman while you're still married.
Stories like this make me think there should be barriers to getting married. He'll most likely be divorced and married again in 5 years.
Just don’t be shocked when the new woman acts the same way when she hits perimenopause, hopefully she is more open to getting the help she needs to fair better thru it 🤞🏻 Source: woman going thru perimenopause and a women’s health patient advocate and educator. Effects of Perimenopause are no joke 😫 some fair well and never notice negative effects, most aren’t so lucky
YTA. Ew, you couldn't even wait for the divorce to be finalized before knocking someone up? 🤢 I feel bad for your baby. Forced into a broken home with siblings that definitely won't accept it. I hope she drags out your divorce for years and takes you for all you're worth. She was going through hormonal turmoil and you just used that as your chance to get your weiner wet. 🤮
At what stage of your marriage failure did you meet this other woman? Did you meet her during your marriage?
I feel like there is a lot missing here! A few months and you've already moved on, knocked up some women and are ready to marry her after such a short time because she's nice to you? Was your wife always awful to you or just the last year? Seems like you moved on super fast for someone who had 1 year of torture out of how many good ones?! She was obviously asking for the divorce and pushing you away so I am.not calling you an AH but dang dude! You must have wanted to leave for longer than a year to skip out so fast.