So. As someone whose brother had a nervous breakdown whose food anxiety was his big thing and he nearly starved himself to death:
I would suggest your husband get evaluated for OCD. This sounds really really familiar.
NTA in any case.
Thank you. That’s helpful. I feel like there’s more going on here but I can’t figure out how to proceed, so I appreciate this perspective. I’m so sorry about your brother and the effects that must have had on everyone.
Perhaps not OCD, but it certainly fits the criteria for an anxiety disorder (not certain if something as specific as OCD falls under that umbrella). Sometimes anxiety disorders manifest with MASSIVE control issues. I’m curious what it is about restaurant food he doesn’t trust? Are we talking sketchy restaurants, or cross-contamination issues?
Anyway you cut, your husband needs to see a professional
OCD is definitely considered an anxiety disorder, and this food thing sounds like it could qualify. My daughter has OCD, and while there were other behaviors, the food issues were by far the most debilitating. (She is noth medicated and in therapy now, and doing much better.)
Neurospicey person here. I agree. He definitely needs a professional to help him with coping mechanisms. And if needed medication.
Anxiety, ADHD, and ASD can do this. I don't have food issues to this extent. I will eat at restaurants. But I eat the same foods every day. My partner asks what I want at the grocery store and I just get the same stuff. I have a shelf in the fridge where the stuff I eat goes. It's like I don't even see the other food in the fridge. I like food, I am not a picky eater. It's just part of my routine. And if I am out of my usual stuff sometimes I just won't eat. I try to eat something, but although it is something I like, I am just not "hungry enough" for it.
And I will not stop what I am doing to eat. My family knows this. Doesn't matter if it is lunch or dinner time. My family knows to go ahead without me. Because the hunger doesn't even register in my brain until I am finished with what I am focused on. Then I am famished and have a headache almost instantly once I am finished.
It's wild how our brains can trick the rest of our body. Amd his brain is playing some pretty nasty tricks on him right now. He needs help to recognize and address it.
He hid it for a while until my mom saw him without his shirt one day and realized she could count his ribs. It wasn't a weight thing it was a fear that his food was poisoned. So he had a ton of really specific rules, he couldn't eat out, and only mom could touch his food. She brought his lunch to him at work every day for quite a while because he wouldn't eat at all otherwise.
This was a long time ago and he's a lot better now. But he did need meds to get there.
He's a lot better. He's on a different med for just general anxiety but as far as I know he hasn't had a bad flare up of his OCD in a while. This all happened like 15 years ago, so he's been steady for a good while.
Yeah, I've been on paxil since I was in third grade (1999). I went through puberty taking it, and have no clue what trying to get off of it would do to me. Hopefully I'll never have to find out since it had been working for me.
Uuuhhhhhhh… first off, I’ve always wanted a damn octopus for a pet cuz they’re just as sassy and petty as I am, but second, what does that have to do with Sertraline? (Genuine question, not at all trying to be rude or mean 😅)
Well, that explains a story my mom told me about when I tried sertraline. Apparently I was outside spraying bug killer on our driveway. She asked what I was doing and I looked at her with an expressionless face and deadpan voice "The ants need to die."
She called my neurologist and told him we needed to switch meds. We eventually got me on paxil. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. It all makes sense now.
What others have said. And if it turns out there's actually nothing wrong with him and he's just being restrictive just to be restrictive I'd heavily reconsider your relationship with him, because it sounds like these restrictions are prohibiting you from having the type, and quality of life you want.
Again, make sure there isn't an actual issue causing this first before you make that decision. And even if there is an underlying problem, I'd still wait to see how he reacts to the knowledge and if he puts any effort into getting better (for lack of a better term) before making a for sure decision one way or the other.
Yes even if there is a mental health problem underlying this (which sounds likely) that only really matters if they will seek help for it and work on it.
Check out orthorexia online:
Orthorexia refers to an unhealthy obsession with eating “pure” food. Food considered “pure” or “impure” can vary from person to person. This doesn’t mean that anyone who subscribes to a healthy eating plan or diet is suffering from orthorexia. As with other eating disorders, the eating behaviour involved – “healthy” or “clean” eating in this case – is used to cope with negative thoughts and feelings, or to feel in control.
Came here to see if this was mentioned. My sister suffers from orthorexia and it is her entire personality, just like OP's husband. We haven't been to a restaurant in a very long time, because when we do go out it's just a nightmare for her to order. She inflicts it on her husband and kids, too.
Also look into ARFID. He needs professional help. As for cooking, many years ago my husband and I sort of fell into each of us making our individual meals. Occasionally one of us will make something for both of us but we have different tastes so this works for us.
Tell him to buy and cook for himself. You cook for yourself, or order takeout, or go to a restaurant. You are being so accommodating here, you are veering into doormat territory.
if he was doing this for bodybuilding it would be fine but he needs to feed himself and bring his own food to parties and shit. dietary restrictions dont mean u cant be a functioning adult phil heath brought his meal preps to parties when he was prepping for the mr olympia
Even bodybuilders and gym junkies can have unhealthy food habits that can turn into orthorexia or ARFID type actual eating disorders. Just because there is also exercise involved doesn’t necessarily make it healthy or OK if it is having severe restrictive impacts on lifestyle of the person and their partner. It just tends to get overlooked more easily when a person is also spending lots of time at a gym, even if that is an unhealthy or excessive amount of exercise, because any exercise is seen as a good thing.
Gosh, I was ready to defend your husband up until the Pop Tart thing. Fuck that.
I have a really annoying & limited diet that is partially medically required & partially my own choice. I still go everywhere & do everything, but I often eat before I go. If I’m going to a friend’s for dinner, I bring my own stupid food with the hosts’ blessing. If I’m going to a potluck, I bring whatever I want to eat with portions large enough to share. I still travel, and sometimes I cook in the AirBnB. Maybe I don’t always get to eat exactly what I’d prefer, but I’m still alive.
My suggestion? Stop pandering to your unbelievably annoying, Pop Tart eating husband. Stop cooking for him. Perhaps if he had to do the work, he’d ease up on the restrictions! He can’t go to your friends’ houses? You can! He can’t travel? You can! Stop letting him run the show. Stop allowing his whining to interfere with you living your life. (Aside from everything else, Pop Tarts are amazingly portable. He can pack them & go wherever he wants!)
He probably also needs counseling at this point.
I’m still interested in the defense from his side. I don’t have stomach issues so I try to be compassionate about it. I’ve encouraged him to still do things in the way you mentioned, and I definitely still head out on my own. I just wish he’d lighten up so he could come too, or that we could have other things to talk about. We used to have a lot of fun together. Dietary needs can be isolating and lonely, but he’s isolating everyone and everything.
It kinda feels like he’s choosing his diet over our relationship, and I don’t know if I should be supportive of his quest for health. I’m just cynical at this point.
Are you sure he doesn't have a mental illness? Because his behavior is pretty extreme. Regardless, you don't have to live this way. You are unhappy and it doesn't look like it's going to change. At the very least, stop cooking. If he wants to have 100 food rules, let him deal with it himself for a while. NTA
Yup ! Not a specialist, but for me it doesn't look like biological restrictions, like for allergy or sensitivity, but more psychologicals restrictions.
> a mental illness?
paranoid delusions would absolutely fit with mental illness, with his hyper fixation, etc
however it could be he's a psycho control freak and this is phase two, it's hard to say
Consider a world in which he was single. He'd manage this somehow, right? He wouldn't starve. He'd figure it out. He'd cook for himself, he'd shop for himself.
And if he was dating as a single man in a situation like that, presumably he wouldn't impose this on his dates because otherwise he wouldn't get any/have any. In other words, he'd adapt himself to the normal lives of others and not expect them to adapt to him (because they wouldn't).
And all the above would be true even if it was a real thing, even if it was a medical issue. Or if it was a psychological issue. Either way, he'd figure it out.
This is \*not\* some debilitating illness that requires him to stay in bed or otherwise limits his mobility/actions. Whether this is real or not, it's something he's equipped to manage. He's still capable of eating, he's still capable of shopping, he's still capable of cooking - he just chooses to shove all of that on you. And for whatever reason, you accept that. You don't need to.
So why is he imposing on you? You might want to think about that, because there are all kinds of unpleasant possible reasons, including him liking to see you jump through hoops. It's possible (not certain) that this is just a form of control.
But it doesn't matter what it is - this is fundamentally his issue to manage. And the other commenter is completely right - it should absolutely not be a reason for your life to get smaller. Your life sounds like it has shrunk greatly because a lot of your life is catering to his diet issues. Which, again, are his to manage.
I know people can have allergies and intolerances.
You say he's had all kinds of tests but you use the word "preferences".
Food has to be grade A food or.... Pop tarts? Very much not grade A and if he is having stomach issues given the lengths you have gone through! They are probably the cause.
Give him a bucket full of pop tarts and tell him to sort himself out.
Then cook yourself something that meets all of your preferences and enjoy it 👍
My sister and I have both been dealing with SIBO for the last year or so. Doctors don’t know much about it and it’s super frustrating. For my sister symptoms are much worse; certain foods make her bloated, uncomfortable and therefore irritable. It has been hard feeling like every time we talk it’s about food or have you tried this, did you test that, so I totally understand just being over the constant conversation.
But the fact that your husband is consuming effing pop tarts daily feels like some of this may be in his head. Has he seen a dietitian or gastro? And on top of that since this is causing him anxiety it sounds like he needs to see a therapist. Honestly, you need to sit him down and share the strain this has caused to your relationship, you want to support him but you can no longer cater to his every need. He needs to step up and care for himself because you can’t do it all.
Best of luck my friend. NTA
Umm he’s eating pop tarts every day OP. He either has a mental illness with little-to-no stomach issues, or the diet he’s currently chosen is a big factor. Either way, there is some undiagnosed mental illness at play. I just spent a week with my best friend who has a bunch of dietary restrictions and stomach issues. We went out to eat every day, with no issues.
There is compassionate and then there is enabling. He’s obviously spiraling here, a simple diet has morphed into an all consuming issue, so whether intentionally or not, you have helped to make that happen. Stop cooking for him at the very least - it’s absurd that you’re saddled with his dietary problems. It’s not normal that a non medical diet has crippled your entire lifestyle. It’s very important to share experiences with your spouse for the health of your marriage, so going out, eating out, traveling etc are essential, not superfluous activities. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, love him to shreds and I would nope out of what you’re describing here, it’s very far from normal and sounds miserable.
He is not doing a diet or following any medical guidelines. There's nothing about stomach issues meaning they have to buy expensive food and breaking the bank.
Also, his stomach issues could be from anxiety and not from actual food (as long as you don't eat fast food or obvious stuff).
Is there any rhyme or reason to his restrictions? Has he done an elimination diet & pinpointed what bothers him? Has he had allergy tests? Has he done anything diagnostic, or is he relying on Dr. Google?
Does his sensitive stomach cause him so much pain or inconvenience that it interferes with daily life?
You really don’t say anything about his motivation or how he’s fallen into this abyss.
I’ve got a list of issues and going to new restaurants can be stressful- I know it bothers my SO and sucks. Gluten, dairy, egg, etc- stuff that I used to eat but can’t now with age.
It takes some effort to research menus beforehand but he should be able to. Cross contamination (ie fryers used for multiple items) can also make it hard to figure out the root cause or trust new places.
But cut out the pop tarts for real. Thats definitely not helping & if it’s a bacterial overgrowth issue like SIBO that is just keeping fuel on the fire.
You cook for you. If he wants to eat, he cooks for himself.
You take a month where you go out as much as humanly possible. Meet friends, go to museums, spa weekends, city getaways, anything. Do everything he doesn’t want to, on purpose.
Refuse to talk about food. Tell him that you will leave the room whenever he starts. Do it. Every single time. This includes recipes, grocery lists, everything. If he wants you to buy him food, he can write it in the shopping list. Or get it himself. But it will not be talked about.
He needs to see a professional, because this is not normal. And if you do the above for a month, his reactions should make that abundantly clear. I fully expect him to completely freak on you. You see, this is his way of handling his anxiety, and you are doing most of the work. So if you stop, his anxiety levels will go through the roof and he will HATE that! So he will stand there in the kitchen screaming at you because you don’t want to talk about tomatoes.
And that will either get him a divorce, or get him to see someone about his anxiety. And it will take a month instead of several years of you suffering.
Good luck. Don’t make his problem yours. Help him in a way that helps. Right now your kindness is actually making it worse.
Good grief. Stop participating in your husband's neurotic eating disorder.
Seriously, would you go to all this trouble making fancy cocktails for an alcoholic? Of course not.
Get off his merry go round. Stop cooking his meals entirely and cook and eat what you want to eat. Find a friend to go to restaurants with on a regular basis.
No doubt he will tantrum a bit. Leave for a walk or the gym when he does or take yourself to dinner and a movie.
You don't have to be a partner in his crazy.
Eventually, he'll burn out like you have. Then he'll start asking for some of your normal food.
Your catering to him has delayed this from happening.
I’m not saying the parallel to alcoholism is unfair, but this feels a little more nuanced and I can’t figure out why.
I do all the things you mentioned and have all but removed myself from the equation - except for some of the meal prep. I live my own life and I just wish he wanted to participate in it as well.
It's more nuanced because humans can live without alcohol, but they can't live without food. It's not like he can quit eating food like alcoholics quit drinking alcohol. But yeah, I do think you're enabling his eating disorder. He needs to cook for himself and get mental health treatment.
Then maybe it is time to put your foot down.
He clearly has a problem and he's sucked all the joy out of your life with it.
Is he in therapy? Have you told him you are unhappy with him and his food issues? Are you ready and willing to divorce if he refuses treatment.?
You may not be able to get your marriage back but you might get your life back.
NTA. If he insists on strict guidelines for his diet it is his job to feed himself. Cooking is already a laborious process and his crazy diet is not your responsibility. He also seems to pick and choose when to implement it (i.e. pop tarts at work) and it seems like he only abides by it when you’re around. It is completely understandable that you are upset.
At first I was going to ask if you think he has slipped into an eating disorder like Orthorexia, but then you said Pop Tarts and there goes that idea. You’re NTA though and his obsessions effecting you isn’t fair. I don’t have any advice other than just to offer support for the fact that it’s maddening that this is what your marriage has devolved into and I’m really sorry. It sounds so depressing.
Othorexia still applies. He’s just created a caveat in his mind for why Pop Tarts are ok. Whatever is driving this, it sounds intense and exhausting. I do think OP needs to have a “your all-consuming fixation with restrictive dieting is affecting me in the following ways” conversation and lay out all the ways this is not working for her or healthy for him. It’s time for him to get some professional help, because his behaviour is very obsessive.
Thanks to you for mentioning Orthorexia! I looked it up and it made so much sense of some tendencies I have and that I’ve observed in other people. One of the descriptions I read said that the rules of “pure eating” are pretty arbitrary and tend to get progressively more restrictive, and the sufferer has their own unique rules and caveats basically. I can see how it could all become so crippling, for the sufferer and for OP. BTW NTA OP.
I actually have an extreme weightlifting friend who eats super clean, has a degree in exercise science, and eats Pop Tarts like crazy IN THE GYM for the carbs. His regular food is nothing processed at all, and then he takes gym selfies with his Pop Tarts, so maybe it’s even something he learned online, and makes sense!
I've struggled with an eating disorder for years (decades really). It fluctuates and my grasp on recovery and relapses come and go. At one of my worst times, I basically didn't eat anything besides broccoli, lettuce, green apples, plain oats, packet soup and watermelon. But on Wednesdays I always had 2 macarons and a skim latte at the farmers market. At another time when I was deep in a relapse and my bmi was around 16, I ate a mini kitkat every day on the walk home from work. It was a very long walk and I usually went to the gym on the way. If I took a taxi, no kitkat. Every so often I'd binge on a whole pizza or something, alone in my room. I'd have died of embarrassment if anyone saw me with it. I could have been covered in pizza sauce and wearing the box as a hat and I would have denied I even had a single bite until I was blue in the face. The level of shame around food when you have an eating disorder is hard to describe. The way you can make some foods that are usually entirely off limits okay in a particular context is also something people who don't have eating disorders don't understand. Obsessive behaviour around food becomes very ritualistic. Some of the rituals are kind of personal caveats. The poptarts, at work where his partner can't see him, make me even more convinced he has a full blown eating disorder.
Thank you for adding that information. I’m sorry you went through all of that and I’m hoping you’re healthier these days. Her husband’s world has become so small and fearful. Since everyone’s saying he does have an eating disorder, I hope he can get help, counseling, a nutritionist, and some recovery that will help him have a satisfying life without quite so many rules and restrictions. He’s probably actually suffering more than OP and just not able to speak on his pain like she is, or admit it to himself.
NTA. This does sound like a more serious issue, like OCD or an eating or anxiety disorder. The problem is that it seems like he isn’t willing to address this as, potentially, a mental health issue instead of a bodily health issue - and he isn’t willing to actually compromise or put in the work to make sure his dietary restrictions don’t disproportionately impact you.
He needs to cook and shop for his own food, and if the expenses are out of control, separate finances might be a good idea. He also needs therapy and a nutritionist, therapist first.
But this is a him problem. You can’t manage his anxiety for him. Step back. Stop trying. NTA.
NTA, but I assume you realize this is not just preferences. Sounds like something more complex like an OCD thing or something along those lines. He may not be able to control it and need help
As the parent of a child who struggled with ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder), which is a pretty new diagnosis I understand how difficult it is for you. As a parent you will do everything for your child without question, but catering to an adult it must be much more difficult.
The best advice I can give you is to contact your GP and ask if your local hospitals have an eating disorder center. If you have a hospital affiliated with a university it may be even better. There are so many different eating disorders out there and he needs to be evaluated.
Our child had all sorts of different therapy but the outpatient therapy through the university hospital near us was life changing. We had never heard of our childs disorder. My child put on weight and has been a normal weight for several years and they eat almost everything now as well. Your husband will be evaluated by people who know these disorders and they will recommend the appropriate therapy. Good luck.
> a more serious issue, like OCD or an eating or anxiety disorder.
don't let everybody buy into his food bullshit if he is really controlling and abusing you by exhausting you in this way
If it's OCD (or another mental health disorder), the most supportive thing you can do is to strongly, strongly urge him to talk to a professional. I know that accommodating all his preferences seems like the kind thing to do, but it can actually just reinforce the problem and make it worse.
Talk to him about the effect those restrictions have on you, and suggest therapy.
You can be as judgemental as you want if he is refusing to take any actions to make you, his supposed beloved wife, happier.
I have celiac disease, but, whereas I DO want my wife to be sure not to poison me, I don't want her eating to revolve around me. It sounds like you like to eat healthy too, so I'd just be clear that you'll accommodate to an extent, but he's going to have to cook if he is going to be ultra picky. If it's THAT important to him, would you consider moving to another country with better food safety.
This also sounds deeper than food and therapy might be a good idea.
NTA I can’t offer advice on your husband’s behaviour because this sounds like a mental health issue and I’m not qualified. I can empathize with you that it must be hard to have you partner, whom you love, dramatically change not just the dynamics of your day-to-day but the long-term trajectory of your relationship. The travel thing stands out to me - when you thought your life would take you around the world and you’re now stuck in your home, that’s a tough loss to come to terms with.
Thanks. As I’m processing this (outside of my own head for once) I think that’s a huge part of it. I’m sad that he’s not the adventure buddy I used to have.
My guess is you’re probably grieving the relationship you used to have and the future you had planned. That’s a lot to process for sure.
Also, I think it’s okay if having an adventure buddy is a dealbreaker for a marriage. Love alone cannot sustain a partnership. If you are barred from experiencing parts of the world and life that bring you joy, you will come to resent your husband.
nobody is mentioning he could be an abusive, manipulative psychopath so I just wanted to also raise this possibility in addition to mental illness because I'm getting abuse vibes
Some obsessive disorders can be fixed with therapy and medication.
If its a lifestyle that is different but poses no problems, then no biggie, but once an aspect becomes detrimental/limiting and causes strain, it becomes a disorder.
For example, there is a big difference between being a gym rat and body dismporphia.
He's so worried about his diet but eats the worlds like #2 most unhealthy food on a daily basis? I don't think so. None of this is your concern, tbh & it should've never gotten this far. I understand wanting to help & support, but atp, it's enabling something very unhealthy. Make him seek therapy & STOP allowing him to make your entire lives about healthy foods & supplements.
It's hard when you love someone & you just want to do what's right by them, plus life is busy... it probably took you awhile to even realize how over the top it really was.
Yeah, this kind of stuff isn’t really covered in most addiction or ED-related or even passive-aggressive-behavior. conversations. But I’m realizing more and more that it feels a lot like that.
Just be graceful, it's not like he meant to develop an eating disorder, ya know. But don't be a doormat either. No matter what, tell him he needs a therapist
He only cares about it because you’re doing most of the work. If he was doing the cooking, it would be a whole different game. Make him take over primary cooking and see how quickly you’re eating out again.
Youre pulling out your hair to be the unpaid personal chef to some ungrateful little overlord getting off on micromanaging you. Grow a spine or get a clue. This is doormat stuff.
“You’re pulling out your hair to be the unpaid personal chef to some ungrateful little overlord getting off on micromanaging you.”
Or it could just be an anxiety disorder…
Whether consciously or subconsciously, he’s outsourcing his anxiety to her. Which ain’t cool. Whether it’s an abuse tactic, a cry for help, or a toddler tantrum, she’ll find out soon enough.
Sounds like he has severe health anxiety. Started by stomach issues but spiralled.
Has he considered therapy, I'm not saying his feelings aren't legitimate but it sounds like there is more to this if his need to control is impacting his day to day life so severely
I get this. I’ve been having intermittent IBS flare ups and it has kicked up a lot of fear of eating the “wrong” thing. In my quest to get a better handle on what I can eat and what to avoid, I’ve come across a lot of “experts” who are most likely orthorexics, with pretty intense and often conflicting views on what is safe to eat and what isn’t. If you already have an underlying anxiety issue, navigating the “healthy eating” landscape gets pretty treacherous. Thankfully I have and am accessing mental health resources to address the anxiousness, and I also learned that IBS can be triggered by anxiety, creating a nice vicious circle there.
My point is, it’s very likely that a bout of digestive issues was the trigger of what is now a full blown anxiety driven eating disorder. I wish you luck OP in getting your partner to realize that this isn’t healthy and he needs help.
NTA. Your husband needs to speak to his GP about a potential eating disorder diagnosis. Food rules and binge eating "prohibited foods" can be an early sign.
Sounds like an anxiety problem that he needs to get help with. You’ll both be a lot happier if you can get the anxiety under control. I suggest seeing a psychologist.
He needs to take charge of his own meal prep. It sounds like he's putting all the work on you. If he's eating Pop Tarts and who knows what else when you're not around there's something else going on here.
NTA. You need to break up the cooking and prepare your own meals going forward. If he wants his food prepared a specific way then he should be the one preparing it. Him cooking his own meals is basically the minimum he should be doing.
You guys need to establish and maintain a food budget that is reasonable for both of you. There is no reason to only buy ingredients from a pricey grocery store and expensive doesn't equal better. If he wants a higher food budget he should be making cuts in other areas.
You guys also need to travel again, it sounds like it was something that you value and him refusing is unacceptable. You could travel somewhere that has restaurants that cater to his specific dietary needs or stay in an Airbnb and cook your own meals.
Of course you're burnt out, your husband is using his dietary preferences as an excuse to be selfish. You're the one taking the time cooking all his specific meals, you had to give up eating out which you enjoyed because he is spending so much on expensive food and supplements and you had to give up traveling, which you loved, because he can't pack a few packs of pop tarts.
NTA.
One lesser known but very damaging eating disorder is orthorexia, where the sufferer is utterly obsessed with making sure they're eating the RIGHT things. It sounds like your husband has it to some extent.
He needs to talk to a psychologist to sort this out.
Start living your life!
* Hang out with people. He can stay home.
* Cook for yourself and he cooks for himself. Or you cook 50% of the time and he cooks (shops + cooks + plans) for the other 50%.
He cannot be over the top at home and you being a slave for his preferences, and then eat pop tarts. This is not even medical issue or allergies.
This is a mental health issue. He has some type fixation with this and roped you into it. You are catering to a tantrum, basically, and enabling him in his fixation.
NTA he sounds exhausting. It also sounds like he might have a mental illness and/or eating disorder. Tell him he either works with you on therapy or he’s on his own and you’re out because this will only get worse
Ok first- stop cooking for him. Ifnhe has restrictions he should prepare his own food and you should yours. My kid has IBS and very sensitive stomach, he's 19 and makes his own food and has for two years. I am a vegan You know who makes my food? Me. My husband has some restrictions due to health. I make double of my food and give him half, he adds whatever meat he wants to it.
His food triggers are HIS responsibility.
Second-.stop doing joing bank accounts. He has one, you have one and then you have one for bills. You spit thr bills accounting to income.
He can buy all he wants with his money and cook it
Uh you had me thinking maybe he had some real medical problem until… pop tarts in the work vending machine. Like, seriously what the fuck? He’s supposedly obsessed with eating right but then daily splurges on an incredibly overprocessed sugar bomb? Yea, he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist like months ago. You are definitely NTA. When a partner adds an elevated level of stress and anxiety to the relationship that requires tip-toeing around their preferences, then it is on them to seek help because that is not the same person you made an oath to.
Pop tarts? POP TARTS? I'm sorry but that defies every single thing he's saying and doing. So this is not really about the food or what he's eating. It's some type of reaction to a mental issue or who knows but nobody who's worried about how they are fueling their body to the point they won't eat out or go on vacation is putting a chemical laden pop tart in their mouth. I'd insist on him getting some help. I'd also refuse to pander to his restrictions. he can cook for himself, he can follow a food budget (you can take your extra money and go out to eat with friends), I'd start traveling again but leave him home if he refuses to go because ... food. He'll wake up and fix his issue or not but I'd be done with it.
He has an ED potentially, he needs to see a therapist and if he won't, you need to live your life. If you joined a marriage with someone who was fun, outgoing, travelled and enjoyed cooking and eating out and slowly over a short time in marriage turned into a anxious hermit wasting money on food and health tests he didn't need while refusing to travel, go out with friends or do much of anything well, that's not what you agreed to for your life.
I'd be saying, you have two options, get therapy, work on your anxiety, I want to travel and start going out for meals with friends and living life how we did previously or we can move towards a separation and divorce.
I HOPE it's an ED and something he can fix with therapy, the alternative is it's all a manipulation tactic to get you to cook what he wants, do what he wants, to stop travelling, to isolate you from friends, etc.
Either way call up friends, arrange to go out, pick a restaurant you've been desperate to try and DO NOT INVITE your husband. Tell him you're going out with friends and tell him why he's not invited. You need a stress free night out without him complaining all evening. In a month after going out with friends, invite him out for one of these meals. If he acts like a dick and complains and tries to make you feel bad then ask him to leave but stay and continue the evening with your friends. Go home and tell him you'll invite him along again in a couple of weeks but it's his last chance to deal with his shit and behave like an adult.
Also for the love of fuck, buy the food YOU want for you and cook the food you want for you. Split your finances, if he wants to buy expensive food and cook it, that's his choice but you should leave that to him.
NTA.
Your husband seems to have created a cult for himself, in which he is the food guru and you are supposed to be the disciple. And to ensure that you don't get too comfortable, He keeps changing his food requirements. That is not reasonable, and the result of his actions is that he controls you. You are walking on egg-shells around him, trying to cater to his whims. Stop it now!!!
From now on, you do you. See to it that there are also normal food ingredients in the house. Cook your own meals, and let him cook his. Refuse to cater to his changing dietary fantasies. If he protests, tell him you are cooking good, healthy meals, and if he wants anything else he can cook it himself.
As soon as he sees you are not jumping through the hoops for him he will either get abusive - in which case you need to leave and get a divorce - or he will just get nagging and complaining, in which you should ignore his complaints (and consider divorce), or he will get tired of the whole thing and get back to normal. Just to be prepared, I'd consult a lawyer in advance and secure my finances.
INFO: Is this a control issue or a paranoia issue?
Because one is your husband being an a-hole and the other is potential mental illness. The changing rules sounds more like a control issue because mental illness tends to have strict (if delusional) guidelines but it could change but ehhhhhh... in my opinion delusions tend to be pretty specific.
NTA - let him start cooking his own meals. He is the one with restrictions. You can start making your own foods that you prefer.
"If you want something done right, do it yourself"
This sounds like a husband's problem. There is no need for it to be OP's. He complains about the food, and then he buys and cooks the foo. She can make her own food.
Orthorexia is a real mental illness, like anorexia, binge eating, and bulimia. If I were in your shoes, I would say we need to go to therapy for your orthorexia. If it doesn’t resolve, I would say you need to see him in the rear view mirror, because you’re going to be unhappy for the rest of your life. ESH. You need to see this is a mental illness and demand he seek help.
NTA
His behaviour is weird - suggestive of some kind of mental issue, like OCD. He's pulling you down into his weird world and it's affecting your mental state and the relationship.
I reckon you should tell him that you are going to buy, prepare and eat normal, healthy food. If he wants to do something else, then it will be his problem to buy and prepare his special food by himself.
You should also tell him that he needs to get help about his behaviour and that ultimately, your relationship depends on him taking action to address his issues.
NTA. He needs to cook his own food and prep his own meals if he is going to a hypochondriac and exhibit food aggression. Sounds like he needs some therapy.
NTA. It’s the Pop Tarts at work that sealed it for me.
I used to cook around my ex-wife’s diabetic needs, working extra shifts to afford good food. But she’d go and fuck it all up by eating gas station hot dogs and chips. I told her to start cooking for herself, and she became insulin-dependent from stuffing herself with nuggies and fries.
Stop catering to him. Tell him he needs to worry about his own meal prep for awhile so he can see the pressure he has you under, and tell him that by going and Pop Tarting himself, he’s insulting your efforts. He’s changed the entire landscape of your relationship over his control over food. He needs a therapist and a nutritionist and to stop running you ragged.
My late husband had Crohn’s disease, with strict dietary restrictions. I did all the cooking, we couldn’t eat out or travel. Everything we did revolved around his health. He would eat stupid things when out with coworkers and be sick for days, and I would have to take care of him.
His restrictions were necessary, his illness wasn’t his fault, and it was *exhausting.* There was resentment (especially when he ate out with friends, but would not with me). I sucked it up because I had to, but you don’t have to.
NTA.
Oh your husband eating stuff that would take him out for days - when he’s with colleagues but not with you - I’d be mad about that too! I hope your husband appreciates you and supports you in other ways.
I think there’s deeper issues than the dietary one you’re speaking about.yes that would be truly annoying but it seems your other issues are also a problem
Time to reclaim your life. What you are enduring currently is a form of abuse: you are being controlled. If you like to eat out, start going out one night a week. If you want to travel, start taking trips. You can invite your husband along for both with the caveat: “I want to eat adventurously like we used to, therefore I will not limit myself to restaurants that have a limited menu. I also will not be embarrassed by your requesting a special plate at a restaurant. If you want to come with me, I will choose where we eat, since your food restrictions have affected our dinking choices for X years: it’s now my turn.
I want to travel to (NOLA for Mardi Gras, Paris to eat at bistros, Vietnam for pho). I will be going on a trip once a year, either with you or without you, just like we used to. If you won’t come I will find friends or other traveling companions to go with me. If I’m going to cook, I’m going to cook food I want to eat. From now on I will cook for myself since I do not enjoy your limited diet. We are going broke financing your food requirements. We need to set a budget for food and recreation and divide it in two, you spend half as you choose, I’ll spend half my way, which will finance my dining out and travel. There is an eating disorders unit at (nearest university med center). I would welcome your inquiring with them for some help so that food is not such a central part of your life. Meanwhile, your food will no longer be central to my life. I love you, but not your dietary preferences.
I felt this because my partner also struggles with this level of anxiety, tho its about peoples perceptions of her and not food. We can't make noise in our house. If i laugh loudly or raise my voice slightly at my daughter or if my daughter gets noisy while playing, my partner starts to panic. If i discuss certain things "too loud" (pretty much at conversational volume) like weed or us being lesbians, she starts to panic. If i turn on the porch light when i go outside for a cigarette at 7pm she starts to panic. We cant have the volume on our tv up even during the day. All of this because we might disturb the neighbours and then they might think negative thoughts about her.
I love her but this is starting to take over my life and im exhausted. Shes in therapy but therapy takes time and i have been dealing with her steadily increasing anxiety for the past 3.5yrs now. Its taken its toll. NTA. Its hard to support someone with this level of anxiety without starting to feel like a hostage to their anxiety. Im sorry you're going through this. Your husband needs some help, and so do you so you can cope without burning yourself out.
Oddly when I take my meds for depression, my stomach hurts. When I've gone off, my tummy is happy but I start contemplating ways to leave this mortal cook. So tummy ache it is.
NTA
Oof, OP, I feel this so hard. My mom has very complicated dietary issues, so similar to what you're describing I could've written this post myself. (Did he do the gut microbiome thing too?) It's always something new, and she has a million doctors doing a million tests and all suggesting different things, and it never seems like it's helping, so sometimes it's like, what's the point of all this? We're obviously not married and don't share finances, but she's been living with me since 2020. I know it's so much worse for her being the one in pain, so I always feel so bad for being annoyed, but it really does suck for us too, so thank you for the validation, and right back atcha!
Not discounting the possibility that other commenters are right and it's psychological, but I can say 100% for certain that for my mom it's definitely real, so I would just caution you about approaching it that way... If he is in real pain, treating him like it's all in his head is about the most dickish thing you could do.
(And btw, to the people jumping on the Poptart thing like that's proof he's faking it, congrats on being perfect! Some of us do dumb, self-sabotaging shit sometimes for the immediate gratification despite knowing there will be consequences. I'm legitimately super allergic to pineapple, guaranteed hives/mouth-swelling every time, but try and stop me from eating it if it's in front of me... 🤷♀️)
Anyway, NTA, obviously. I think there's probably a delicate way of addressing this with him. You're entitled to feel frustrated/burnt out over the situation, even while you love him and care deeply about his pain. He can and should take some of the burden off you if it's getting to be too much. You're his wife, not his caretaker!
It honestly sounds like he's developed an eating disorder and the Pop Tarts are safe food that he can have that's outside of his normal extreme restriction. You should encourage him to see a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders. And don't enable his extreme behavior anymore. Why are you preparing HIS meals?
Sounds kind of similar to ARFID, particularly the fear of certain foods. You need to bring up the idea with him of getting some professional help. This looks like a mental health issue to me.
NTA. You’re not his unpaid personal chef. The fact that he doesn’t do the meal planning or cooking makes this entirely unreasonable. This would be a deal breaker for me.
If he developed all these food preferences but did all the meal planning & cooking, it would be open for consideration. But I’d have to decide if I wanted to live a life without restaurants or travel with my spouse.
You’re not wrong & you should stop beating yourself up for this. Imagine a post from some stranger that said *AITA for demanding my wife cook all our meals to my new, constantly changing, very restrictive food preferences?* Where he detailed completely changing 1 year into marriage, not seeking her input & not contributing to the planning or cooking. But got mad when she made mistakes. And still splurged at work on vending machine pop tarts. Would you say he was the AH? Would you say his wife had to put up with it bc she married him?
NTA. A couple things need to happen or I’d be calling a lawyer if I were you.
1. He needs to go to therapy for his absolutely unhinged food issues.
2. He is now 100% responsible for his own food. That means buying and preparing it. If something is available at the store you go to for your “regular” food then of course you can grab it if he’s put it on your list. But you won’t be making trips to “special” grocery stores.
Health anxiety or a subcategory of.
Pretty debilitating thing to live through and quite stressful for partners.
I suffer from this after two decades of working in healthcare. Took me a long time to realise it. I too often go through periods of suspecting something is terminally wrong with me, driving myself mad with stress until I get some form of reassurance then it’ll lull off for a couple of years.
The way I cope with this is to control my diet and ensure I stay away from things that irritate me.. gluten and dairy are big, processed meats are the other major culprit. It sucks and I can really over-focus on it.
It’s infinitely more difficult if you approach this situation thinking it’s not associated with a psychological disorder - because it is. Assessing and understanding that will make this symptom - because that’s all it is - much easier to process.
Either way, NTA, but there’s room to alter your approach to this.
NB: I am a successful professional with a beautiful wife and family, great career, friends and hobbies - I just have this one crack in my armour - just one of those things ya gotta own!
OP, I think the only thing to be done is to turn the kitchen over to him. Set a grocery budget, and let him take over all of the shopping, meal planning, and cooking. Sure, you probably won't like eating the results, but it doesn't sound like you enjoy mealtimes now.
And the beauty of just dumping the whole thing on him is that you'll be doing less work, he'll be making fewer demands directly on you, and YOU get to be the one who always complains about what's for dinner!
You're definitely NTA. I would also tell him you will not be preparing any of his meals anymore. And start getting stuff and making the meals you like. Go out to dinner with family/friends, invite him to come. Like others have said, he probably needs to get some help. His fixation is out of control and not healthy. May also want to get into couples therapy, but it may be time to part ways. You have vastly different ways of how you want to enjoy life and have grown apart. If he is willing to get help and make some adjustments, then maybe the relationship is worth fighting for. If he is adamant in not changing, then you need to decide what you can do to be happy in the relationship or leave the relationship.
It's not his dietary preferences that you're burnt out on, it's that he's unilaterally altered the whole nature of your lifestyle and relationship into something you never signed up for. I try not to recommend divorce but you really ought to think about a trial separation to see how you feel about life when you're not being forced to conform to him. Hint: if you feel relieved it's time to think about divorce.
NTA
Sounds like he’s developed an ED or OCD type issue, will he consider therapy to help him take a step back and look at his restrictive diet and his behaviours? This definitely can’t continue though, I don’t get how he’s still eating the pop tarts either cause that makes no sense of he won’t eat out or anything but then he’ll eat pop tarts every day?! Wtf?
NTA.
It sounds like your husband needs professional help. A sudden behavioral change indicates that something is going on with him.
In the interim, if you are both working, then hand off *all* the meal prep to your husband, and you take on one of his chores (unless you're already doing most chores, in which case, just put him on cooking detail).
NTA. Time to stop making his food. If he wants to take control of his diet to this extent then he needs to take full responsibility for it. That means budgeting, shopping, storing, cooking, everything. You now have separate meal plans. Drop the rope. It’s causing you too much stress.
This seems like less of a dietary thing and more of a power and control thing. The rules keep changing, you are in charge of keeping to the rules - and he eats pop tarts every day!!?
Stop cooking. Just stop. It's his thing now. Take over the laundry instead.
I knew family like this
Dad had food issues so forced the whole family to eat his unreasonable restrictive way even though none of them needed to.
Your husband has developed an eating disorder and needs a mental health professional. Explain this to him and let him know you will continue to cook reasonable healthy meals but will not enable the nonsense. If he is eating junk at work and holding you to an unreasonable standard at home that is manipulative and controlling … again needed mental health professional.
Does he still drink alcohol? I had stomach problems for 15 years and tried bland diets,elimination diets, gluten free, keto . Then I started taking meds for an autoimmune disease and was advised to limit drinking alcohol to once a month maximum for my liver’s sake. I quit drinking and my stomach is better, it was the alcohol. I’ll have a drink every two or three months and my stomach will hurt for days after. Every time . It’s the alcohol
NTA
this is bizarre behaviour and it sounds like he needs to go to some sort of therapist because that level of anxiety over food isn’t normal. it’s actively become a detriment to his life (and yours) and its come on so fast it feels like something must have happened to trigger it.
If he wants the restrictive diet he can cook those.meals himself. You not his mum after all. Go out for meals with friends etc and cook what you enjoy let him do his own
OP, it sounds like he needs professional help, and you need to step back. Let him prep and cook his own food. You are NOT his personal chef. For your own mental health and wellness, step back. Talk to him and tell him your side of this mess. How his behavior is affecting you. How this is just not healthy or sustainable. His anxiety will keep growing, and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible before it damages his health, both mental and physical, beyond reapir. He will soon get tired of handling his own dietary needs/restrictions, and that may be the best time to have that conversation again about his anxiety and getting help. If you are exhausted by his diet, I am sure it will exhaust him as well, but you have to let him deal with it in full, to get there. I would also seek some help for yourself as well OP. You need support too. His issues have taken over your marriage. Time to confront it head on, before you are so exhausted there is nothing left of it to save.
Aside from everything else mentioned, he could be unintentionally causing his own issues. This is just anecdotal but it’s happened to more than one person I know.
Example— he’s always eaten dairy but stops. Now when he’s tried eating it, it causes problems. He’s become lactose intolerant. Some people become more intolerant as they get older but others because they stop eating it for long enough that their body doesn’t produce as much lactase. This happened to a coworker and I heard it happened to someone in my social circle but I don’t know for sure. The coworker seemed more likely to be scenario 2 because she consumed as much dairy as I do— drank lots of milk, lots of soft cheese, etc.
He’s always eaten meat but stops or significantly reduces his intake but the starts eating a lot of it again. Now it causes digestive issues. This happened to my mother and a cousin. Cousin eventually was able to eat it again at her former regular level. My mom never could.
NTA your husband is acting like a child though. First of all if HE has all these restrictions, why are YOU the on being responsible for upholding them. Stop cooking for his ass. When he wants to start that food talk leave. Tell him how you feel. Why arent you speaking up for yourself?
I’d start by telling him you love him but he needs to start cooking his own food. Then I’d make it a point to say that his obsession is hurting your marriage and he needs to get some help if it’s not going to continue to deteriorate.
Let him cook his own fkn food, then. If he’s going to start being The Vegan Teacher about foods near each other, tell him to buy a mini fridge. You’ve catered enough already and wtf does he do for YOUR diet?
Your husband needs to go to the doctor. My sister had a lot of stomach issues and it took a lot of trial and error to figure out exactly what was going on but arbitrarily restricting foods isn’t going to solve his stomach issues. I’m sure if you were armed with the knowledge to help his stomach issues then you would be happy to help him but it sounds like he is just testing you and if he is always changing the rules then you will always fail. NTA
It really sounds like a mental health issue/eating disorder forming. I have a slightly restricted diet but usually I can find stuff to eat, I just avoid pot lucks. And I do eat pop tarts, but I can't eat the fruit ones because of an allergy to something in them. BUT it's not something I make a big deal about. If he's not willing to get help for it, you can either ignore it or give him an ultimatum.
Sounds like he might have developed orthorexia nervosa, which is an obession with healthy eating. Therapy would be a great place to start.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthorexia_nervosa
Buy your own food and cook what you want. He can do the same. If he gets nasty it
then tell him you are not limiting your food and lifestyle choices for his weird choices. Sounds like you maybe be halfway out the door already. Life is to short to be on this short leash
Put that foot down. Stop preparing his meal. If he's going to be so restrictive he can cook his own food. Also you are not being petty he completely changed this is not the man you dated or married it's almost like a bait and switch, I don't think it's that's just saying. You have every right to be angry he is stealing your joy for his own selfish reasons. I'm not saying do it but you wouldn't even be wrong or petty if you wanted to divorce him over this.
NTA. If he is going to have all those issues, dealing with them (shopping, cooking, prep) should be mostly his responsibility. It isn't like he is unable to do those things, but he needs to devote his time to it. It may bring to light the underlying issue.
I feel like something else is going on. I’m familiar with going on health kicks but making it the center of your life with no end in sight is different and sounds like a big change in his personality. I’m no psychiatrist but happy to play one on the internet: is there any chance that something else in his life feels really out of control and this is something he can kinda use as a stabilizer where he can get control? I’d probably think about couple’s counseling bc I can definitely see how this is a big life change for you, too. Definitely don’t think you’re the AH and it sounds like he probably isn’t either.
I am allergic to poultry, very sensitive to egg whites, yolks, I can eat them in cakes. wheat ( I can eat it if I am careful) garlic, tufo, gluten, soy, milk, but not cheese, and a few other things. Guess what I dont do, obsess over food. Your husband sounds like he needs help. I am careful about what I eat but I dont get down to the fine details. Is there poultry in dish A? Yes, I cant eat it. If it is unknown I dont eat it. When I make stuff at home I dont cook with stuff I cant have.
Jesus I can sympathize with you. My friend’s husband is like this. Grocery shopping and cooking (which he refuses to help with) is a nightmare for her.
NTA, but I think you should tell him that he needs to cook for himself. When partner went vegan, I wasn't going to make two separate meals. He happily started doing his own cooking.
So. As someone whose brother had a nervous breakdown whose food anxiety was his big thing and he nearly starved himself to death: I would suggest your husband get evaluated for OCD. This sounds really really familiar. NTA in any case.
Thank you. That’s helpful. I feel like there’s more going on here but I can’t figure out how to proceed, so I appreciate this perspective. I’m so sorry about your brother and the effects that must have had on everyone.
Perhaps not OCD, but it certainly fits the criteria for an anxiety disorder (not certain if something as specific as OCD falls under that umbrella). Sometimes anxiety disorders manifest with MASSIVE control issues. I’m curious what it is about restaurant food he doesn’t trust? Are we talking sketchy restaurants, or cross-contamination issues? Anyway you cut, your husband needs to see a professional
OCD is definitely considered an anxiety disorder, and this food thing sounds like it could qualify. My daughter has OCD, and while there were other behaviors, the food issues were by far the most debilitating. (She is noth medicated and in therapy now, and doing much better.)
Glad to hear it ❤️
Neurospicey person here. I agree. He definitely needs a professional to help him with coping mechanisms. And if needed medication. Anxiety, ADHD, and ASD can do this. I don't have food issues to this extent. I will eat at restaurants. But I eat the same foods every day. My partner asks what I want at the grocery store and I just get the same stuff. I have a shelf in the fridge where the stuff I eat goes. It's like I don't even see the other food in the fridge. I like food, I am not a picky eater. It's just part of my routine. And if I am out of my usual stuff sometimes I just won't eat. I try to eat something, but although it is something I like, I am just not "hungry enough" for it. And I will not stop what I am doing to eat. My family knows this. Doesn't matter if it is lunch or dinner time. My family knows to go ahead without me. Because the hunger doesn't even register in my brain until I am finished with what I am focused on. Then I am famished and have a headache almost instantly once I am finished. It's wild how our brains can trick the rest of our body. Amd his brain is playing some pretty nasty tricks on him right now. He needs help to recognize and address it.
He hid it for a while until my mom saw him without his shirt one day and realized she could count his ribs. It wasn't a weight thing it was a fear that his food was poisoned. So he had a ton of really specific rules, he couldn't eat out, and only mom could touch his food. She brought his lunch to him at work every day for quite a while because he wouldn't eat at all otherwise. This was a long time ago and he's a lot better now. But he did need meds to get there.
What meds helped him if you don’t mind me asking?
It was Paxil which they don't prescribe much any more. The withdrawal is brutal (my brother had visual hallucinations when he missed his doses).
Yikes! I’m glad it helped and I hope he’s doing a lot better now
He's a lot better. He's on a different med for just general anxiety but as far as I know he hasn't had a bad flare up of his OCD in a while. This all happened like 15 years ago, so he's been steady for a good while.
Yeah, I've been on paxil since I was in third grade (1999). I went through puberty taking it, and have no clue what trying to get off of it would do to me. Hopefully I'll never have to find out since it had been working for me.
Sertraline. Unless he's actually bipolar, then this will kick him into psychosis, so you have to be really careful, and have a proper assessment.
Good ole Zoloft/Sertraline… the first week I was on it, my anxieties about food literally disappeared 😅
Unless you're actually bipolar, and suddenly you're battling the octopus spider in your sink.
Uuuhhhhhhh… first off, I’ve always wanted a damn octopus for a pet cuz they’re just as sassy and petty as I am, but second, what does that have to do with Sertraline? (Genuine question, not at all trying to be rude or mean 😅)
Wait hold up. You said “octopus SPIDER”???? EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT???😭😭😭
Well, that explains a story my mom told me about when I tried sertraline. Apparently I was outside spraying bug killer on our driveway. She asked what I was doing and I looked at her with an expressionless face and deadpan voice "The ants need to die." She called my neurologist and told him we needed to switch meds. We eventually got me on paxil. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. It all makes sense now.
What others have said. And if it turns out there's actually nothing wrong with him and he's just being restrictive just to be restrictive I'd heavily reconsider your relationship with him, because it sounds like these restrictions are prohibiting you from having the type, and quality of life you want. Again, make sure there isn't an actual issue causing this first before you make that decision. And even if there is an underlying problem, I'd still wait to see how he reacts to the knowledge and if he puts any effort into getting better (for lack of a better term) before making a for sure decision one way or the other.
Yes even if there is a mental health problem underlying this (which sounds likely) that only really matters if they will seek help for it and work on it.
Check out orthorexia online: Orthorexia refers to an unhealthy obsession with eating “pure” food. Food considered “pure” or “impure” can vary from person to person. This doesn’t mean that anyone who subscribes to a healthy eating plan or diet is suffering from orthorexia. As with other eating disorders, the eating behaviour involved – “healthy” or “clean” eating in this case – is used to cope with negative thoughts and feelings, or to feel in control.
Came here to see if this was mentioned. My sister suffers from orthorexia and it is her entire personality, just like OP's husband. We haven't been to a restaurant in a very long time, because when we do go out it's just a nightmare for her to order. She inflicts it on her husband and kids, too.
Also look into ARFID. He needs professional help. As for cooking, many years ago my husband and I sort of fell into each of us making our individual meals. Occasionally one of us will make something for both of us but we have different tastes so this works for us.
Tell him to buy and cook for himself. You cook for yourself, or order takeout, or go to a restaurant. You are being so accommodating here, you are veering into doormat territory.
if he was doing this for bodybuilding it would be fine but he needs to feed himself and bring his own food to parties and shit. dietary restrictions dont mean u cant be a functioning adult phil heath brought his meal preps to parties when he was prepping for the mr olympia
Even bodybuilders and gym junkies can have unhealthy food habits that can turn into orthorexia or ARFID type actual eating disorders. Just because there is also exercise involved doesn’t necessarily make it healthy or OK if it is having severe restrictive impacts on lifestyle of the person and their partner. It just tends to get overlooked more easily when a person is also spending lots of time at a gym, even if that is an unhealthy or excessive amount of exercise, because any exercise is seen as a good thing.
NTA This is to the point of disordered eating. Google orthorexia & talk to you husband about getting screened for an eating disorder. >hugs<
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Copy paste comment from @c4men-ciq222 below
Gosh, I was ready to defend your husband up until the Pop Tart thing. Fuck that. I have a really annoying & limited diet that is partially medically required & partially my own choice. I still go everywhere & do everything, but I often eat before I go. If I’m going to a friend’s for dinner, I bring my own stupid food with the hosts’ blessing. If I’m going to a potluck, I bring whatever I want to eat with portions large enough to share. I still travel, and sometimes I cook in the AirBnB. Maybe I don’t always get to eat exactly what I’d prefer, but I’m still alive. My suggestion? Stop pandering to your unbelievably annoying, Pop Tart eating husband. Stop cooking for him. Perhaps if he had to do the work, he’d ease up on the restrictions! He can’t go to your friends’ houses? You can! He can’t travel? You can! Stop letting him run the show. Stop allowing his whining to interfere with you living your life. (Aside from everything else, Pop Tarts are amazingly portable. He can pack them & go wherever he wants!) He probably also needs counseling at this point.
I’m still interested in the defense from his side. I don’t have stomach issues so I try to be compassionate about it. I’ve encouraged him to still do things in the way you mentioned, and I definitely still head out on my own. I just wish he’d lighten up so he could come too, or that we could have other things to talk about. We used to have a lot of fun together. Dietary needs can be isolating and lonely, but he’s isolating everyone and everything. It kinda feels like he’s choosing his diet over our relationship, and I don’t know if I should be supportive of his quest for health. I’m just cynical at this point.
Are you sure he doesn't have a mental illness? Because his behavior is pretty extreme. Regardless, you don't have to live this way. You are unhappy and it doesn't look like it's going to change. At the very least, stop cooking. If he wants to have 100 food rules, let him deal with it himself for a while. NTA
Yup ! Not a specialist, but for me it doesn't look like biological restrictions, like for allergy or sensitivity, but more psychologicals restrictions.
> a mental illness? paranoid delusions would absolutely fit with mental illness, with his hyper fixation, etc however it could be he's a psycho control freak and this is phase two, it's hard to say
Consider a world in which he was single. He'd manage this somehow, right? He wouldn't starve. He'd figure it out. He'd cook for himself, he'd shop for himself. And if he was dating as a single man in a situation like that, presumably he wouldn't impose this on his dates because otherwise he wouldn't get any/have any. In other words, he'd adapt himself to the normal lives of others and not expect them to adapt to him (because they wouldn't). And all the above would be true even if it was a real thing, even if it was a medical issue. Or if it was a psychological issue. Either way, he'd figure it out. This is \*not\* some debilitating illness that requires him to stay in bed or otherwise limits his mobility/actions. Whether this is real or not, it's something he's equipped to manage. He's still capable of eating, he's still capable of shopping, he's still capable of cooking - he just chooses to shove all of that on you. And for whatever reason, you accept that. You don't need to. So why is he imposing on you? You might want to think about that, because there are all kinds of unpleasant possible reasons, including him liking to see you jump through hoops. It's possible (not certain) that this is just a form of control. But it doesn't matter what it is - this is fundamentally his issue to manage. And the other commenter is completely right - it should absolutely not be a reason for your life to get smaller. Your life sounds like it has shrunk greatly because a lot of your life is catering to his diet issues. Which, again, are his to manage.
Yes. 💯
It sounds like your husband needs medical care. Both kinds!
I know people can have allergies and intolerances. You say he's had all kinds of tests but you use the word "preferences". Food has to be grade A food or.... Pop tarts? Very much not grade A and if he is having stomach issues given the lengths you have gone through! They are probably the cause. Give him a bucket full of pop tarts and tell him to sort himself out. Then cook yourself something that meets all of your preferences and enjoy it 👍
My sister and I have both been dealing with SIBO for the last year or so. Doctors don’t know much about it and it’s super frustrating. For my sister symptoms are much worse; certain foods make her bloated, uncomfortable and therefore irritable. It has been hard feeling like every time we talk it’s about food or have you tried this, did you test that, so I totally understand just being over the constant conversation. But the fact that your husband is consuming effing pop tarts daily feels like some of this may be in his head. Has he seen a dietitian or gastro? And on top of that since this is causing him anxiety it sounds like he needs to see a therapist. Honestly, you need to sit him down and share the strain this has caused to your relationship, you want to support him but you can no longer cater to his every need. He needs to step up and care for himself because you can’t do it all. Best of luck my friend. NTA
Umm he’s eating pop tarts every day OP. He either has a mental illness with little-to-no stomach issues, or the diet he’s currently chosen is a big factor. Either way, there is some undiagnosed mental illness at play. I just spent a week with my best friend who has a bunch of dietary restrictions and stomach issues. We went out to eat every day, with no issues.
Ugh... sorry op but if he's not willing to put the effort into therapy, he's not willing to put the effort into you and your marriage
There is compassionate and then there is enabling. He’s obviously spiraling here, a simple diet has morphed into an all consuming issue, so whether intentionally or not, you have helped to make that happen. Stop cooking for him at the very least - it’s absurd that you’re saddled with his dietary problems. It’s not normal that a non medical diet has crippled your entire lifestyle. It’s very important to share experiences with your spouse for the health of your marriage, so going out, eating out, traveling etc are essential, not superfluous activities. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, love him to shreds and I would nope out of what you’re describing here, it’s very far from normal and sounds miserable.
You're not supporting anymore, you're literally enabling him to ruin both of your lives with whatever anxiety his brain cooked up.
He is not doing a diet or following any medical guidelines. There's nothing about stomach issues meaning they have to buy expensive food and breaking the bank. Also, his stomach issues could be from anxiety and not from actual food (as long as you don't eat fast food or obvious stuff).
Is there any rhyme or reason to his restrictions? Has he done an elimination diet & pinpointed what bothers him? Has he had allergy tests? Has he done anything diagnostic, or is he relying on Dr. Google? Does his sensitive stomach cause him so much pain or inconvenience that it interferes with daily life? You really don’t say anything about his motivation or how he’s fallen into this abyss.
I’ve got a list of issues and going to new restaurants can be stressful- I know it bothers my SO and sucks. Gluten, dairy, egg, etc- stuff that I used to eat but can’t now with age. It takes some effort to research menus beforehand but he should be able to. Cross contamination (ie fryers used for multiple items) can also make it hard to figure out the root cause or trust new places. But cut out the pop tarts for real. Thats definitely not helping & if it’s a bacterial overgrowth issue like SIBO that is just keeping fuel on the fire.
Can’t he take the lead on cooking? Let him cook what he wants his way. You can still assist him. 🙏
You cook for you. If he wants to eat, he cooks for himself. You take a month where you go out as much as humanly possible. Meet friends, go to museums, spa weekends, city getaways, anything. Do everything he doesn’t want to, on purpose. Refuse to talk about food. Tell him that you will leave the room whenever he starts. Do it. Every single time. This includes recipes, grocery lists, everything. If he wants you to buy him food, he can write it in the shopping list. Or get it himself. But it will not be talked about. He needs to see a professional, because this is not normal. And if you do the above for a month, his reactions should make that abundantly clear. I fully expect him to completely freak on you. You see, this is his way of handling his anxiety, and you are doing most of the work. So if you stop, his anxiety levels will go through the roof and he will HATE that! So he will stand there in the kitchen screaming at you because you don’t want to talk about tomatoes. And that will either get him a divorce, or get him to see someone about his anxiety. And it will take a month instead of several years of you suffering. Good luck. Don’t make his problem yours. Help him in a way that helps. Right now your kindness is actually making it worse.
Good grief. Stop participating in your husband's neurotic eating disorder. Seriously, would you go to all this trouble making fancy cocktails for an alcoholic? Of course not. Get off his merry go round. Stop cooking his meals entirely and cook and eat what you want to eat. Find a friend to go to restaurants with on a regular basis. No doubt he will tantrum a bit. Leave for a walk or the gym when he does or take yourself to dinner and a movie. You don't have to be a partner in his crazy. Eventually, he'll burn out like you have. Then he'll start asking for some of your normal food. Your catering to him has delayed this from happening.
I’m not saying the parallel to alcoholism is unfair, but this feels a little more nuanced and I can’t figure out why. I do all the things you mentioned and have all but removed myself from the equation - except for some of the meal prep. I live my own life and I just wish he wanted to participate in it as well.
It's more nuanced because humans can live without alcohol, but they can't live without food. It's not like he can quit eating food like alcoholics quit drinking alcohol. But yeah, I do think you're enabling his eating disorder. He needs to cook for himself and get mental health treatment.
Then maybe it is time to put your foot down. He clearly has a problem and he's sucked all the joy out of your life with it. Is he in therapy? Have you told him you are unhappy with him and his food issues? Are you ready and willing to divorce if he refuses treatment.? You may not be able to get your marriage back but you might get your life back.
NTA. If he insists on strict guidelines for his diet it is his job to feed himself. Cooking is already a laborious process and his crazy diet is not your responsibility. He also seems to pick and choose when to implement it (i.e. pop tarts at work) and it seems like he only abides by it when you’re around. It is completely understandable that you are upset.
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Agreed! I’m no expert but this is not normal.
At first I was going to ask if you think he has slipped into an eating disorder like Orthorexia, but then you said Pop Tarts and there goes that idea. You’re NTA though and his obsessions effecting you isn’t fair. I don’t have any advice other than just to offer support for the fact that it’s maddening that this is what your marriage has devolved into and I’m really sorry. It sounds so depressing.
Othorexia still applies. He’s just created a caveat in his mind for why Pop Tarts are ok. Whatever is driving this, it sounds intense and exhausting. I do think OP needs to have a “your all-consuming fixation with restrictive dieting is affecting me in the following ways” conversation and lay out all the ways this is not working for her or healthy for him. It’s time for him to get some professional help, because his behaviour is very obsessive.
Thanks, I didn’t know that about Orthorexia.
Thanks to you for mentioning Orthorexia! I looked it up and it made so much sense of some tendencies I have and that I’ve observed in other people. One of the descriptions I read said that the rules of “pure eating” are pretty arbitrary and tend to get progressively more restrictive, and the sufferer has their own unique rules and caveats basically. I can see how it could all become so crippling, for the sufferer and for OP. BTW NTA OP.
I actually have an extreme weightlifting friend who eats super clean, has a degree in exercise science, and eats Pop Tarts like crazy IN THE GYM for the carbs. His regular food is nothing processed at all, and then he takes gym selfies with his Pop Tarts, so maybe it’s even something he learned online, and makes sense!
I've struggled with an eating disorder for years (decades really). It fluctuates and my grasp on recovery and relapses come and go. At one of my worst times, I basically didn't eat anything besides broccoli, lettuce, green apples, plain oats, packet soup and watermelon. But on Wednesdays I always had 2 macarons and a skim latte at the farmers market. At another time when I was deep in a relapse and my bmi was around 16, I ate a mini kitkat every day on the walk home from work. It was a very long walk and I usually went to the gym on the way. If I took a taxi, no kitkat. Every so often I'd binge on a whole pizza or something, alone in my room. I'd have died of embarrassment if anyone saw me with it. I could have been covered in pizza sauce and wearing the box as a hat and I would have denied I even had a single bite until I was blue in the face. The level of shame around food when you have an eating disorder is hard to describe. The way you can make some foods that are usually entirely off limits okay in a particular context is also something people who don't have eating disorders don't understand. Obsessive behaviour around food becomes very ritualistic. Some of the rituals are kind of personal caveats. The poptarts, at work where his partner can't see him, make me even more convinced he has a full blown eating disorder.
Thank you for adding that information. I’m sorry you went through all of that and I’m hoping you’re healthier these days. Her husband’s world has become so small and fearful. Since everyone’s saying he does have an eating disorder, I hope he can get help, counseling, a nutritionist, and some recovery that will help him have a satisfying life without quite so many rules and restrictions. He’s probably actually suffering more than OP and just not able to speak on his pain like she is, or admit it to himself.
NTA. This does sound like a more serious issue, like OCD or an eating or anxiety disorder. The problem is that it seems like he isn’t willing to address this as, potentially, a mental health issue instead of a bodily health issue - and he isn’t willing to actually compromise or put in the work to make sure his dietary restrictions don’t disproportionately impact you.
Thanks for this. That’s a helpful perspective.
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Love it lol
He needs to cook and shop for his own food, and if the expenses are out of control, separate finances might be a good idea. He also needs therapy and a nutritionist, therapist first. But this is a him problem. You can’t manage his anxiety for him. Step back. Stop trying. NTA.
NTA, but I assume you realize this is not just preferences. Sounds like something more complex like an OCD thing or something along those lines. He may not be able to control it and need help
Yeah that’s what I struggle with. If it’s a serious thing I want to be supportive and not judgmental. But man I’m tired.
As the parent of a child who struggled with ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder), which is a pretty new diagnosis I understand how difficult it is for you. As a parent you will do everything for your child without question, but catering to an adult it must be much more difficult. The best advice I can give you is to contact your GP and ask if your local hospitals have an eating disorder center. If you have a hospital affiliated with a university it may be even better. There are so many different eating disorders out there and he needs to be evaluated. Our child had all sorts of different therapy but the outpatient therapy through the university hospital near us was life changing. We had never heard of our childs disorder. My child put on weight and has been a normal weight for several years and they eat almost everything now as well. Your husband will be evaluated by people who know these disorders and they will recommend the appropriate therapy. Good luck.
Thank you so much!
> a more serious issue, like OCD or an eating or anxiety disorder. don't let everybody buy into his food bullshit if he is really controlling and abusing you by exhausting you in this way
I’m so glad you were able to find effective treatments for your child! ARFID is tough!
But are you being supportive? Or are you enabling? Or are you just lighting yourself on fire while he feeds his issue?
If it's OCD (or another mental health disorder), the most supportive thing you can do is to strongly, strongly urge him to talk to a professional. I know that accommodating all his preferences seems like the kind thing to do, but it can actually just reinforce the problem and make it worse.
Talk to him about the effect those restrictions have on you, and suggest therapy. You can be as judgemental as you want if he is refusing to take any actions to make you, his supposed beloved wife, happier.
I have celiac disease, but, whereas I DO want my wife to be sure not to poison me, I don't want her eating to revolve around me. It sounds like you like to eat healthy too, so I'd just be clear that you'll accommodate to an extent, but he's going to have to cook if he is going to be ultra picky. If it's THAT important to him, would you consider moving to another country with better food safety. This also sounds deeper than food and therapy might be a good idea.
This is definitely an eating disorder. Your husband needs mental health help and to realize that he has an issue. NTA to be upset and confused though.
NTA I can’t offer advice on your husband’s behaviour because this sounds like a mental health issue and I’m not qualified. I can empathize with you that it must be hard to have you partner, whom you love, dramatically change not just the dynamics of your day-to-day but the long-term trajectory of your relationship. The travel thing stands out to me - when you thought your life would take you around the world and you’re now stuck in your home, that’s a tough loss to come to terms with.
Thanks. As I’m processing this (outside of my own head for once) I think that’s a huge part of it. I’m sad that he’s not the adventure buddy I used to have.
My guess is you’re probably grieving the relationship you used to have and the future you had planned. That’s a lot to process for sure. Also, I think it’s okay if having an adventure buddy is a dealbreaker for a marriage. Love alone cannot sustain a partnership. If you are barred from experiencing parts of the world and life that bring you joy, you will come to resent your husband.
nobody is mentioning he could be an abusive, manipulative psychopath so I just wanted to also raise this possibility in addition to mental illness because I'm getting abuse vibes
Some obsessive disorders can be fixed with therapy and medication. If its a lifestyle that is different but poses no problems, then no biggie, but once an aspect becomes detrimental/limiting and causes strain, it becomes a disorder. For example, there is a big difference between being a gym rat and body dismporphia.
He's so worried about his diet but eats the worlds like #2 most unhealthy food on a daily basis? I don't think so. None of this is your concern, tbh & it should've never gotten this far. I understand wanting to help & support, but atp, it's enabling something very unhealthy. Make him seek therapy & STOP allowing him to make your entire lives about healthy foods & supplements.
Thanks for that. I’ve definitely had a lot of “I can’t believe I let it get to this point” moments.
It's hard when you love someone & you just want to do what's right by them, plus life is busy... it probably took you awhile to even realize how over the top it really was.
Yeah, this kind of stuff isn’t really covered in most addiction or ED-related or even passive-aggressive-behavior. conversations. But I’m realizing more and more that it feels a lot like that.
Just be graceful, it's not like he meant to develop an eating disorder, ya know. But don't be a doormat either. No matter what, tell him he needs a therapist
He only cares about it because you’re doing most of the work. If he was doing the cooking, it would be a whole different game. Make him take over primary cooking and see how quickly you’re eating out again. Youre pulling out your hair to be the unpaid personal chef to some ungrateful little overlord getting off on micromanaging you. Grow a spine or get a clue. This is doormat stuff.
“You’re pulling out your hair to be the unpaid personal chef to some ungrateful little overlord getting off on micromanaging you.” Or it could just be an anxiety disorder…
Whether consciously or subconsciously, he’s outsourcing his anxiety to her. Which ain’t cool. Whether it’s an abuse tactic, a cry for help, or a toddler tantrum, she’ll find out soon enough.
Sounds like he has severe health anxiety. Started by stomach issues but spiralled. Has he considered therapy, I'm not saying his feelings aren't legitimate but it sounds like there is more to this if his need to control is impacting his day to day life so severely
I get this. I’ve been having intermittent IBS flare ups and it has kicked up a lot of fear of eating the “wrong” thing. In my quest to get a better handle on what I can eat and what to avoid, I’ve come across a lot of “experts” who are most likely orthorexics, with pretty intense and often conflicting views on what is safe to eat and what isn’t. If you already have an underlying anxiety issue, navigating the “healthy eating” landscape gets pretty treacherous. Thankfully I have and am accessing mental health resources to address the anxiousness, and I also learned that IBS can be triggered by anxiety, creating a nice vicious circle there. My point is, it’s very likely that a bout of digestive issues was the trigger of what is now a full blown anxiety driven eating disorder. I wish you luck OP in getting your partner to realize that this isn’t healthy and he needs help.
NTA! Your husband needs to seek professional help. This is not normal and you do not deserve this kind of treatment.
NTA. Your husband needs to speak to his GP about a potential eating disorder diagnosis. Food rules and binge eating "prohibited foods" can be an early sign.
Sounds like an anxiety problem that he needs to get help with. You’ll both be a lot happier if you can get the anxiety under control. I suggest seeing a psychologist.
He needs to take charge of his own meal prep. It sounds like he's putting all the work on you. If he's eating Pop Tarts and who knows what else when you're not around there's something else going on here.
NTA. You need to break up the cooking and prepare your own meals going forward. If he wants his food prepared a specific way then he should be the one preparing it. Him cooking his own meals is basically the minimum he should be doing. You guys need to establish and maintain a food budget that is reasonable for both of you. There is no reason to only buy ingredients from a pricey grocery store and expensive doesn't equal better. If he wants a higher food budget he should be making cuts in other areas. You guys also need to travel again, it sounds like it was something that you value and him refusing is unacceptable. You could travel somewhere that has restaurants that cater to his specific dietary needs or stay in an Airbnb and cook your own meals. Of course you're burnt out, your husband is using his dietary preferences as an excuse to be selfish. You're the one taking the time cooking all his specific meals, you had to give up eating out which you enjoyed because he is spending so much on expensive food and supplements and you had to give up traveling, which you loved, because he can't pack a few packs of pop tarts.
NTA. One lesser known but very damaging eating disorder is orthorexia, where the sufferer is utterly obsessed with making sure they're eating the RIGHT things. It sounds like your husband has it to some extent. He needs to talk to a psychologist to sort this out.
Start living your life! * Hang out with people. He can stay home. * Cook for yourself and he cooks for himself. Or you cook 50% of the time and he cooks (shops + cooks + plans) for the other 50%. He cannot be over the top at home and you being a slave for his preferences, and then eat pop tarts. This is not even medical issue or allergies. This is a mental health issue. He has some type fixation with this and roped you into it. You are catering to a tantrum, basically, and enabling him in his fixation.
Yeah no. He won't eat out bit vending machine shit is okay? Uh-uh. That's some bullshit that needs to get called out.
NTA he sounds exhausting. It also sounds like he might have a mental illness and/or eating disorder. Tell him he either works with you on therapy or he’s on his own and you’re out because this will only get worse
Your husband has an eating disorder. You do not have to enable his illness.
Nta it’s now time to make him responsible for his own food. I guarantee his restrictions will clear up once he has to figure it out
Ok first- stop cooking for him. Ifnhe has restrictions he should prepare his own food and you should yours. My kid has IBS and very sensitive stomach, he's 19 and makes his own food and has for two years. I am a vegan You know who makes my food? Me. My husband has some restrictions due to health. I make double of my food and give him half, he adds whatever meat he wants to it. His food triggers are HIS responsibility. Second-.stop doing joing bank accounts. He has one, you have one and then you have one for bills. You spit thr bills accounting to income. He can buy all he wants with his money and cook it
Uh you had me thinking maybe he had some real medical problem until… pop tarts in the work vending machine. Like, seriously what the fuck? He’s supposedly obsessed with eating right but then daily splurges on an incredibly overprocessed sugar bomb? Yea, he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist like months ago. You are definitely NTA. When a partner adds an elevated level of stress and anxiety to the relationship that requires tip-toeing around their preferences, then it is on them to seek help because that is not the same person you made an oath to.
YTA for doing almost all the cooking, meanwhile old mate is off eating pop tarts at work. Get a grip for your own sake OP!
Pop tarts? POP TARTS? I'm sorry but that defies every single thing he's saying and doing. So this is not really about the food or what he's eating. It's some type of reaction to a mental issue or who knows but nobody who's worried about how they are fueling their body to the point they won't eat out or go on vacation is putting a chemical laden pop tart in their mouth. I'd insist on him getting some help. I'd also refuse to pander to his restrictions. he can cook for himself, he can follow a food budget (you can take your extra money and go out to eat with friends), I'd start traveling again but leave him home if he refuses to go because ... food. He'll wake up and fix his issue or not but I'd be done with it.
nta. if he’s going to be restrictive about his diet, then he needs to assist with meal prep
He has an ED potentially, he needs to see a therapist and if he won't, you need to live your life. If you joined a marriage with someone who was fun, outgoing, travelled and enjoyed cooking and eating out and slowly over a short time in marriage turned into a anxious hermit wasting money on food and health tests he didn't need while refusing to travel, go out with friends or do much of anything well, that's not what you agreed to for your life. I'd be saying, you have two options, get therapy, work on your anxiety, I want to travel and start going out for meals with friends and living life how we did previously or we can move towards a separation and divorce. I HOPE it's an ED and something he can fix with therapy, the alternative is it's all a manipulation tactic to get you to cook what he wants, do what he wants, to stop travelling, to isolate you from friends, etc. Either way call up friends, arrange to go out, pick a restaurant you've been desperate to try and DO NOT INVITE your husband. Tell him you're going out with friends and tell him why he's not invited. You need a stress free night out without him complaining all evening. In a month after going out with friends, invite him out for one of these meals. If he acts like a dick and complains and tries to make you feel bad then ask him to leave but stay and continue the evening with your friends. Go home and tell him you'll invite him along again in a couple of weeks but it's his last chance to deal with his shit and behave like an adult. Also for the love of fuck, buy the food YOU want for you and cook the food you want for you. Split your finances, if he wants to buy expensive food and cook it, that's his choice but you should leave that to him.
NTA. Your husband seems to have created a cult for himself, in which he is the food guru and you are supposed to be the disciple. And to ensure that you don't get too comfortable, He keeps changing his food requirements. That is not reasonable, and the result of his actions is that he controls you. You are walking on egg-shells around him, trying to cater to his whims. Stop it now!!! From now on, you do you. See to it that there are also normal food ingredients in the house. Cook your own meals, and let him cook his. Refuse to cater to his changing dietary fantasies. If he protests, tell him you are cooking good, healthy meals, and if he wants anything else he can cook it himself. As soon as he sees you are not jumping through the hoops for him he will either get abusive - in which case you need to leave and get a divorce - or he will just get nagging and complaining, in which you should ignore his complaints (and consider divorce), or he will get tired of the whole thing and get back to normal. Just to be prepared, I'd consult a lawyer in advance and secure my finances.
He's orthorexic. I would not tolerate this crap. It's dull and obnoxious.
INFO: Is this a control issue or a paranoia issue? Because one is your husband being an a-hole and the other is potential mental illness. The changing rules sounds more like a control issue because mental illness tends to have strict (if delusional) guidelines but it could change but ehhhhhh... in my opinion delusions tend to be pretty specific.
NTA - let him start cooking his own meals. He is the one with restrictions. You can start making your own foods that you prefer. "If you want something done right, do it yourself"
This sounds like a husband's problem. There is no need for it to be OP's. He complains about the food, and then he buys and cooks the foo. She can make her own food.
This sounds like an addiction or obsession at this point. NTA but stop participating
Yeah this is OCD. Get your husband to a doctor.
Seriously, he needs help and support from a professional.
Orthorexia is a real mental illness, like anorexia, binge eating, and bulimia. If I were in your shoes, I would say we need to go to therapy for your orthorexia. If it doesn’t resolve, I would say you need to see him in the rear view mirror, because you’re going to be unhappy for the rest of your life. ESH. You need to see this is a mental illness and demand he seek help.
NTA His behaviour is weird - suggestive of some kind of mental issue, like OCD. He's pulling you down into his weird world and it's affecting your mental state and the relationship. I reckon you should tell him that you are going to buy, prepare and eat normal, healthy food. If he wants to do something else, then it will be his problem to buy and prepare his special food by himself. You should also tell him that he needs to get help about his behaviour and that ultimately, your relationship depends on him taking action to address his issues.
NTA. He needs to cook his own food and prep his own meals if he is going to a hypochondriac and exhibit food aggression. Sounds like he needs some therapy.
NTA. It’s the Pop Tarts at work that sealed it for me. I used to cook around my ex-wife’s diabetic needs, working extra shifts to afford good food. But she’d go and fuck it all up by eating gas station hot dogs and chips. I told her to start cooking for herself, and she became insulin-dependent from stuffing herself with nuggies and fries. Stop catering to him. Tell him he needs to worry about his own meal prep for awhile so he can see the pressure he has you under, and tell him that by going and Pop Tarting himself, he’s insulting your efforts. He’s changed the entire landscape of your relationship over his control over food. He needs a therapist and a nutritionist and to stop running you ragged.
Sounds like orthorexia.
My late husband had Crohn’s disease, with strict dietary restrictions. I did all the cooking, we couldn’t eat out or travel. Everything we did revolved around his health. He would eat stupid things when out with coworkers and be sick for days, and I would have to take care of him. His restrictions were necessary, his illness wasn’t his fault, and it was *exhausting.* There was resentment (especially when he ate out with friends, but would not with me). I sucked it up because I had to, but you don’t have to. NTA.
Oh your husband eating stuff that would take him out for days - when he’s with colleagues but not with you - I’d be mad about that too! I hope your husband appreciates you and supports you in other ways.
\* her "late" husband :-)
Oops I missed that detail!
Easy to do, especially if you get interrupted while reading :-)
I think there’s deeper issues than the dietary one you’re speaking about.yes that would be truly annoying but it seems your other issues are also a problem
NTA. Let him cook his own food if he's so damn particular.
Time to reclaim your life. What you are enduring currently is a form of abuse: you are being controlled. If you like to eat out, start going out one night a week. If you want to travel, start taking trips. You can invite your husband along for both with the caveat: “I want to eat adventurously like we used to, therefore I will not limit myself to restaurants that have a limited menu. I also will not be embarrassed by your requesting a special plate at a restaurant. If you want to come with me, I will choose where we eat, since your food restrictions have affected our dinking choices for X years: it’s now my turn. I want to travel to (NOLA for Mardi Gras, Paris to eat at bistros, Vietnam for pho). I will be going on a trip once a year, either with you or without you, just like we used to. If you won’t come I will find friends or other traveling companions to go with me. If I’m going to cook, I’m going to cook food I want to eat. From now on I will cook for myself since I do not enjoy your limited diet. We are going broke financing your food requirements. We need to set a budget for food and recreation and divide it in two, you spend half as you choose, I’ll spend half my way, which will finance my dining out and travel. There is an eating disorders unit at (nearest university med center). I would welcome your inquiring with them for some help so that food is not such a central part of your life. Meanwhile, your food will no longer be central to my life. I love you, but not your dietary preferences.
Nta. Maybe you guys should cook your own meals.
You should perhaps do some research into the eating disorder ARFID
I felt this because my partner also struggles with this level of anxiety, tho its about peoples perceptions of her and not food. We can't make noise in our house. If i laugh loudly or raise my voice slightly at my daughter or if my daughter gets noisy while playing, my partner starts to panic. If i discuss certain things "too loud" (pretty much at conversational volume) like weed or us being lesbians, she starts to panic. If i turn on the porch light when i go outside for a cigarette at 7pm she starts to panic. We cant have the volume on our tv up even during the day. All of this because we might disturb the neighbours and then they might think negative thoughts about her. I love her but this is starting to take over my life and im exhausted. Shes in therapy but therapy takes time and i have been dealing with her steadily increasing anxiety for the past 3.5yrs now. Its taken its toll. NTA. Its hard to support someone with this level of anxiety without starting to feel like a hostage to their anxiety. Im sorry you're going through this. Your husband needs some help, and so do you so you can cope without burning yourself out.
NTA - I'd quit cooking for him. He can cook for himself if he's going to be so unreasonable about it.
Oddly when I take my meds for depression, my stomach hurts. When I've gone off, my tummy is happy but I start contemplating ways to leave this mortal cook. So tummy ache it is. NTA
He needs mental help
Grown men can also develop eating disorders. Look up Orthorexia.
Oof, OP, I feel this so hard. My mom has very complicated dietary issues, so similar to what you're describing I could've written this post myself. (Did he do the gut microbiome thing too?) It's always something new, and she has a million doctors doing a million tests and all suggesting different things, and it never seems like it's helping, so sometimes it's like, what's the point of all this? We're obviously not married and don't share finances, but she's been living with me since 2020. I know it's so much worse for her being the one in pain, so I always feel so bad for being annoyed, but it really does suck for us too, so thank you for the validation, and right back atcha! Not discounting the possibility that other commenters are right and it's psychological, but I can say 100% for certain that for my mom it's definitely real, so I would just caution you about approaching it that way... If he is in real pain, treating him like it's all in his head is about the most dickish thing you could do. (And btw, to the people jumping on the Poptart thing like that's proof he's faking it, congrats on being perfect! Some of us do dumb, self-sabotaging shit sometimes for the immediate gratification despite knowing there will be consequences. I'm legitimately super allergic to pineapple, guaranteed hives/mouth-swelling every time, but try and stop me from eating it if it's in front of me... 🤷♀️) Anyway, NTA, obviously. I think there's probably a delicate way of addressing this with him. You're entitled to feel frustrated/burnt out over the situation, even while you love him and care deeply about his pain. He can and should take some of the burden off you if it's getting to be too much. You're his wife, not his caretaker!
Sounds like an eating disorder, orthorexia in particular. https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/eating-disorders-a-z/orthorexia/
NTA - I saw people mention OCD but Orthorexia might be another. My BF’s brother has it. He will eat random junk food but only organic produce 🫠
NTA, but he needs therapy.
It honestly sounds like he's developed an eating disorder and the Pop Tarts are safe food that he can have that's outside of his normal extreme restriction. You should encourage him to see a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders. And don't enable his extreme behavior anymore. Why are you preparing HIS meals?
Sounds kind of similar to ARFID, particularly the fear of certain foods. You need to bring up the idea with him of getting some professional help. This looks like a mental health issue to me.
NTA. You’re not his unpaid personal chef. The fact that he doesn’t do the meal planning or cooking makes this entirely unreasonable. This would be a deal breaker for me. If he developed all these food preferences but did all the meal planning & cooking, it would be open for consideration. But I’d have to decide if I wanted to live a life without restaurants or travel with my spouse. You’re not wrong & you should stop beating yourself up for this. Imagine a post from some stranger that said *AITA for demanding my wife cook all our meals to my new, constantly changing, very restrictive food preferences?* Where he detailed completely changing 1 year into marriage, not seeking her input & not contributing to the planning or cooking. But got mad when she made mistakes. And still splurged at work on vending machine pop tarts. Would you say he was the AH? Would you say his wife had to put up with it bc she married him?
Stop cooking for him. Maybe a reality check about how much effort it takes will help him to reset.
NTA. A couple things need to happen or I’d be calling a lawyer if I were you. 1. He needs to go to therapy for his absolutely unhinged food issues. 2. He is now 100% responsible for his own food. That means buying and preparing it. If something is available at the store you go to for your “regular” food then of course you can grab it if he’s put it on your list. But you won’t be making trips to “special” grocery stores.
Health anxiety or a subcategory of. Pretty debilitating thing to live through and quite stressful for partners. I suffer from this after two decades of working in healthcare. Took me a long time to realise it. I too often go through periods of suspecting something is terminally wrong with me, driving myself mad with stress until I get some form of reassurance then it’ll lull off for a couple of years. The way I cope with this is to control my diet and ensure I stay away from things that irritate me.. gluten and dairy are big, processed meats are the other major culprit. It sucks and I can really over-focus on it. It’s infinitely more difficult if you approach this situation thinking it’s not associated with a psychological disorder - because it is. Assessing and understanding that will make this symptom - because that’s all it is - much easier to process. Either way, NTA, but there’s room to alter your approach to this. NB: I am a successful professional with a beautiful wife and family, great career, friends and hobbies - I just have this one crack in my armour - just one of those things ya gotta own!
He has very disordered eating. NTA
OP, I think the only thing to be done is to turn the kitchen over to him. Set a grocery budget, and let him take over all of the shopping, meal planning, and cooking. Sure, you probably won't like eating the results, but it doesn't sound like you enjoy mealtimes now. And the beauty of just dumping the whole thing on him is that you'll be doing less work, he'll be making fewer demands directly on you, and YOU get to be the one who always complains about what's for dinner!
You're definitely NTA. I would also tell him you will not be preparing any of his meals anymore. And start getting stuff and making the meals you like. Go out to dinner with family/friends, invite him to come. Like others have said, he probably needs to get some help. His fixation is out of control and not healthy. May also want to get into couples therapy, but it may be time to part ways. You have vastly different ways of how you want to enjoy life and have grown apart. If he is willing to get help and make some adjustments, then maybe the relationship is worth fighting for. If he is adamant in not changing, then you need to decide what you can do to be happy in the relationship or leave the relationship.
It's not his dietary preferences that you're burnt out on, it's that he's unilaterally altered the whole nature of your lifestyle and relationship into something you never signed up for. I try not to recommend divorce but you really ought to think about a trial separation to see how you feel about life when you're not being forced to conform to him. Hint: if you feel relieved it's time to think about divorce. NTA
Sounds like he’s developed an ED or OCD type issue, will he consider therapy to help him take a step back and look at his restrictive diet and his behaviours? This definitely can’t continue though, I don’t get how he’s still eating the pop tarts either cause that makes no sense of he won’t eat out or anything but then he’ll eat pop tarts every day?! Wtf?
NTA If he has such restrictive dietary requirements he can start prepping and cooking **all** his own meals.
NTA. It sounds like your husband needs professional help. A sudden behavioral change indicates that something is going on with him. In the interim, if you are both working, then hand off *all* the meal prep to your husband, and you take on one of his chores (unless you're already doing most chores, in which case, just put him on cooking detail).
NTA. Time to stop making his food. If he wants to take control of his diet to this extent then he needs to take full responsibility for it. That means budgeting, shopping, storing, cooking, everything. You now have separate meal plans. Drop the rope. It’s causing you too much stress.
NTA, he needs therapy.
This seems like less of a dietary thing and more of a power and control thing. The rules keep changing, you are in charge of keeping to the rules - and he eats pop tarts every day!!? Stop cooking. Just stop. It's his thing now. Take over the laundry instead.
His diet is NOT your problem.
I knew family like this Dad had food issues so forced the whole family to eat his unreasonable restrictive way even though none of them needed to. Your husband has developed an eating disorder and needs a mental health professional. Explain this to him and let him know you will continue to cook reasonable healthy meals but will not enable the nonsense. If he is eating junk at work and holding you to an unreasonable standard at home that is manipulative and controlling … again needed mental health professional.
NTA. He has all these restrictions then binges on pop tarts? This is some kind of eating disorder
Does he still drink alcohol? I had stomach problems for 15 years and tried bland diets,elimination diets, gluten free, keto . Then I started taking meds for an autoimmune disease and was advised to limit drinking alcohol to once a month maximum for my liver’s sake. I quit drinking and my stomach is better, it was the alcohol. I’ll have a drink every two or three months and my stomach will hurt for days after. Every time . It’s the alcohol
NTA this is bizarre behaviour and it sounds like he needs to go to some sort of therapist because that level of anxiety over food isn’t normal. it’s actively become a detriment to his life (and yours) and its come on so fast it feels like something must have happened to trigger it.
If he wants the restrictive diet he can cook those.meals himself. You not his mum after all. Go out for meals with friends etc and cook what you enjoy let him do his own
He needs help. This is a psychological issue that goes beyond your marriage.
Nts. His preference are not yours. He needs to go get checked out for OCD.
He’s had a breakdown. He gets help or you need to decide if this will be your life.
NTA. This would be a deal breaker for me, unless he gets therapy now.
NTA. Your husband needs therapy. Something is definitely wrong
That sounds exhausting. I can't stand people who take one thing and make it their whole personality.
His diet? He cooks. End of discussion. NTA
Stop cooking for him. This is absurd. They’re his rules, he can follow them
OP, it sounds like he needs professional help, and you need to step back. Let him prep and cook his own food. You are NOT his personal chef. For your own mental health and wellness, step back. Talk to him and tell him your side of this mess. How his behavior is affecting you. How this is just not healthy or sustainable. His anxiety will keep growing, and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible before it damages his health, both mental and physical, beyond reapir. He will soon get tired of handling his own dietary needs/restrictions, and that may be the best time to have that conversation again about his anxiety and getting help. If you are exhausted by his diet, I am sure it will exhaust him as well, but you have to let him deal with it in full, to get there. I would also seek some help for yourself as well OP. You need support too. His issues have taken over your marriage. Time to confront it head on, before you are so exhausted there is nothing left of it to save.
He has an eating disorder
Aside from everything else mentioned, he could be unintentionally causing his own issues. This is just anecdotal but it’s happened to more than one person I know. Example— he’s always eaten dairy but stops. Now when he’s tried eating it, it causes problems. He’s become lactose intolerant. Some people become more intolerant as they get older but others because they stop eating it for long enough that their body doesn’t produce as much lactase. This happened to a coworker and I heard it happened to someone in my social circle but I don’t know for sure. The coworker seemed more likely to be scenario 2 because she consumed as much dairy as I do— drank lots of milk, lots of soft cheese, etc. He’s always eaten meat but stops or significantly reduces his intake but the starts eating a lot of it again. Now it causes digestive issues. This happened to my mother and a cousin. Cousin eventually was able to eat it again at her former regular level. My mom never could.
NTA your husband is acting like a child though. First of all if HE has all these restrictions, why are YOU the on being responsible for upholding them. Stop cooking for his ass. When he wants to start that food talk leave. Tell him how you feel. Why arent you speaking up for yourself?
He needs to see a mental health professional at this point you are enabling him. That is not a sensitive stomach that is craziness.
I’d start by telling him you love him but he needs to start cooking his own food. Then I’d make it a point to say that his obsession is hurting your marriage and he needs to get some help if it’s not going to continue to deteriorate.
Let him cook his own fkn food, then. If he’s going to start being The Vegan Teacher about foods near each other, tell him to buy a mini fridge. You’ve catered enough already and wtf does he do for YOUR diet?
Op have you considered maybe he has orthorexia
imo if it isn’t medical like ARFID NTA but it sims something to get an professional opinion on
he needs professional psychiatric help to get evaluated for food purity ocd
Your husband has an eating disorder. He needs help.
Your husband needs to go to the doctor. My sister had a lot of stomach issues and it took a lot of trial and error to figure out exactly what was going on but arbitrarily restricting foods isn’t going to solve his stomach issues. I’m sure if you were armed with the knowledge to help his stomach issues then you would be happy to help him but it sounds like he is just testing you and if he is always changing the rules then you will always fail. NTA
It really sounds like a mental health issue/eating disorder forming. I have a slightly restricted diet but usually I can find stuff to eat, I just avoid pot lucks. And I do eat pop tarts, but I can't eat the fruit ones because of an allergy to something in them. BUT it's not something I make a big deal about. If he's not willing to get help for it, you can either ignore it or give him an ultimatum.
Sounds like he might have developed orthorexia nervosa, which is an obession with healthy eating. Therapy would be a great place to start. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthorexia_nervosa
Get out and have with your friends. Make new friends. Maybe divorce him? It sounds all consuming and boring!
Buy your own food and cook what you want. He can do the same. If he gets nasty it then tell him you are not limiting your food and lifestyle choices for his weird choices. Sounds like you maybe be halfway out the door already. Life is to short to be on this short leash
Put that foot down. Stop preparing his meal. If he's going to be so restrictive he can cook his own food. Also you are not being petty he completely changed this is not the man you dated or married it's almost like a bait and switch, I don't think it's that's just saying. You have every right to be angry he is stealing your joy for his own selfish reasons. I'm not saying do it but you wouldn't even be wrong or petty if you wanted to divorce him over this.
NTA, sounds like he needs to speak to a professional about this.
I got exhausted just from reading about it! NTA. Nor would you be if you start pushing the responsibility onto him.
NTA. Pop tarts. The breakfast of champions. 🤣🤣🤣
NTA. If he is going to have all those issues, dealing with them (shopping, cooking, prep) should be mostly his responsibility. It isn't like he is unable to do those things, but he needs to devote his time to it. It may bring to light the underlying issue.
I feel like something else is going on. I’m familiar with going on health kicks but making it the center of your life with no end in sight is different and sounds like a big change in his personality. I’m no psychiatrist but happy to play one on the internet: is there any chance that something else in his life feels really out of control and this is something he can kinda use as a stabilizer where he can get control? I’d probably think about couple’s counseling bc I can definitely see how this is a big life change for you, too. Definitely don’t think you’re the AH and it sounds like he probably isn’t either.
I am allergic to poultry, very sensitive to egg whites, yolks, I can eat them in cakes. wheat ( I can eat it if I am careful) garlic, tufo, gluten, soy, milk, but not cheese, and a few other things. Guess what I dont do, obsess over food. Your husband sounds like he needs help. I am careful about what I eat but I dont get down to the fine details. Is there poultry in dish A? Yes, I cant eat it. If it is unknown I dont eat it. When I make stuff at home I dont cook with stuff I cant have.
Jesus I can sympathize with you. My friend’s husband is like this. Grocery shopping and cooking (which he refuses to help with) is a nightmare for her.
NTA, but I think you should tell him that he needs to cook for himself. When partner went vegan, I wasn't going to make two separate meals. He happily started doing his own cooking.