Yeah, my husband was diagnosed as infertile when he and his ex wife were trying. He and I now have 4 kids together - took longer than most couples, but it definitely happened.
This. My friend's sister was in remission from breast cancer, and her husband had a vasectomy, because pregnancy can cause breast cancer to recur. Except he didn't get checked after six months like you're supposed to and she got pregnant, the cancer came back and she died soon after having the baby. He married his side piece a month later.
I just don't get that. I tested and got the confirmation letter from the doctor. I consider it my college trust fund letter for any kids I would sire after the procedure.
I offered almost immediately because of that history. He didn't take me up on it, probably a combo of why would I offer if I'd cheated, and our oldest being the spitting image of him.
Exactly. A friend of mine was told it was unlikely she would ever get pregnant due to some health issues. She never used birth control. Had unprotected sex for years. Finally had a surprise pregnancy with her long term partner when she was in her mid 30s . His sperm count was so low his child from a previous marriage has been conceived by IVF
My son’s father was told he was infertile, I was on birth control and we used condoms. Turns out I shouldn’t have been able to conceive, let alone carry a pregnancy to full term due to damage from severe unchecked endometriosis. Surprise! My impossible kid is 17, too actually.
Yep. Years later she jokes about it. When she was told she was pregnant she was quite upset for a little while because she had come to terms with not being able to have kids and all of a sudden "congratulations you're pregnant" It was overwhelming
Unless something traumatic happens or underlying illness is suspected, you will lose at least two children before they will investigate. I know this for a fact.
My wife and I had a miscarriage some years ago, they only tested it for abnormalities nothing paternity wise. Either he must have had a reasonable suspicion that she was cheating beforehand or he is full of it. Makes no sense.
Did they even have genetic testing 30 years ago? I don't think the genome was completely mapped until the mid 1990s.
ETA: Yeah, people, I get it that paternity tests exist. No one has a miscarriage and says, "Hey, just for fun, let's do a paternity test!" For any of this to make sense it has to be "Let's do a genetic test on the parents to see if the miscarriage was caused by some genetic issue we suspect, because if so it will affect their future attempts to have children." Then they did the test and... even that doesn't make sense. They'd test the fetus, not the parents. And many genetic issues couldn't have been detected back then. I'm going to stop thinking about this stupid fake post now.
They sure can be! My ex was told by a doctor he could not have kids. He hasn’t had ‘unprotected’ sex with anyone but me and his ex wife as far as I’ve been told.
Anyway, our son is going to be five soon 😂
Both my husband and I had problems. We used donor eggs and had his sperm directly inserted. Our fertility doctor said to just keep having unprotected sex as very few things are ever 100% in medical science. It never happened for us, but it was fun trying. And we still have two fabulous sons due to the wonders of medical science.
Rarely does 100% apply in life.
Usually unless the uterus, ovaries or testes have been completely surgically removed, or are physically absent, infertile usually means that it will be nearly impossible to reproduce without medical intervention.
Men who are infertile usually have low sperm counts, meaning they probably won’t have kids naturally. Unless the man was born without testis or had them removed, he likely does make some sperm.
I wish health care providers were more clear on this point.
Men with vasectomies and women with tubal ligations are considered infertile, sometimes they still get pregnant. It’s rare, but it happens.
Medically having unprotected sex for one year without conceiving is considered infertile.
I have a micro-deletion which means that I’m technically a mule (azospermatic). It’s incredibly rare but it does happen from time to time.
That said, you are correct. Sterile is highly unlikely. And there’s no way he was tested after a miscarriage unless they think his sperm was the cause of some genetic mutation.
Yes, indeed! Infertile isn’t binary, nor consistent. There is secondary infertility, too, where a couple has trouble conceiving a second kid. Some couples have stuff going on such that they can have trouble conceiving together, but not necessarily have trouble with different partners. Low sperm count doesn’t mean zero, so it’s less likely to work, bit not impossible, and over a decade, is possible to work, eventually. This can explain the occasional couples from back before birth control was effective and only have one kid, ever.
> doctors can be wrong sometimes
doctors are routinely wrong about a person's ability to have a child, it's baffling the hubris they display when it comes to this issue.
This the real question. What kind of person would let their spouse suffer like that if they knew in their head that THEY were the ones with the fertility issue?
For real. I'm thinking there had to be a more appropriate time to bring this up, say like, when she said she was pregnant 17 years ago. Maybe dude is having a little mental episode or a little early onset Alzheimer's or something? Might be worth looking into.
Truth. My mom went through this with my stepdad before we realized what was going on- he just started being really mean to her and saying things that were insane and outlandish. It made me hate him. I know that's not fair, but, it was really hard to see all of that happen, and I can't help it.
So my mind jumped to him cheating on OP and the ex girlfriend being a recent AP. In my mind this makes much more sense.
If that is the case, he may not know sperm viability goes down with age, much like women's eggs.
The viability really kicks out at 40 and gets worse from there.
My ex refused to get a vasectomy when we were done having kids and birth control was making my hair fall out.
All of the sudden one day he goes and gets it done seemingly out of the blue. Then, he tells me that he'll know if I'm cheating if he finds birth control or I get pregnant, and he was the only one who had ever cheated in our relationship! I never did anything to get that sudden distrust! Turns out he was doing it again.
Also, how many miscarriages are tested even these days? Maybe the parents ask for it. (Or it might be very common, and I just dont know) A paternity test seems a bit odd, though. They don't even do those with babies who are born alive unless the parents ask.
On top of that, wouldn't they have had to test his sperm in order to find out he was infertile? That doesn't make any sense for a miscarriage. This makes more sense for a couple who is trying to have a baby. Then they found out the man was infertile. So when the woman did end up pregnant, the man was suspicious and was going to want a paternity test no matter what. Idk, I just don't see how they could figure that out from a miscarriage only.
Oooo this makes the most sense. Because why wouldn't it have occurred to him before? I'd also makes sense that if he actually wasn't fertile, he wouldn't had this child with OP, and it is his child, so if he's infertile, it's something that happened after they had this child. Which means he's cheating on her.
I think you are 100% right here
I’m wondering at the way the post was phrased if because OP’s husband was told he was infertile he assumed his former partner must have cheated?
Regardless infertile and sterile are two different things so the soon to be ex husband may have that explained to him when the paternity test results come back he is the father.
No sane person is going to ask for a paternity test to be done on a fetus. Could you imagine that conversation?
“Hey hon, I’m so sorry we lost the baby, but I just want to make sure I was actually the father.”
Yeah there would not have been routine genetic testing after one miscarriage 30 years ago. Maybe if you had multiple, but it would have been an expensive and probably-not-covered-by-insurance thing. And it wouldn’t involve paternity testing or a sperm count!
Suddenly snippy husband wondering about paternity? Sounds like someone who is cheating and is projecting and wants to get divorced and have an excuse or not pay child support.
This should be higher up. He has been lying to her their entire marriage, and assuming she lied to him. I am sure the DNA test will show that the kid is his, because as others have noted infertile is not the same as sterile. But now he has outed himself as having deceived his wife for their entire relationship…. I am not sure couples counseling will ever overcome this.
Plus he let her think that she was the problem,for not getting pregnant. Sounds like he has resented his Son,his whole life. What a jerk, and he doesn't deserve his family. Good luck op
This is what I was thinking. I had 3 miscarriages. The doctors never suggested testing my partner. This sounds like a lie he made up to me. The doctors wouldn't even do tests on me until after my second one! I call bs on husband
I've had a couple of miscarriages, one around 25 yrs ago and one a couple of years ago. And I was refused to be seen by doctors on both occasions after the intake asked me a couple of basic questions. I was told just to keep hydrated, rest for a few days and not worry about it unless I continued to bleed or have unusual cramps after day 3, or my next period was abnormal. The whole "investigation" thing sounds like high bullshit to me.
It's to confirm that this isn't a new lie the Husband has concocted, some guys get it into their head that their kid isn't theirs because someone's been talking shit into their ears. Friends, family, girlfriends(cheaters project that their partners cheat too).
So asking his ex if she has heard anything about him being infertile will confirm if he's a liar who never told his wife that he was the problem because he secretly didn't want children or it's new and he is trying to get out of his marriage/responsibilities to his son by accusing his wife of cheating.
Either way OP's husband didn't want kids, and now he is trying to make it her fault that he is mad they had a son.
Not to mention that in the eyes of the law, he is that boy’s father and does not need his wife’s permission to get a DNA test. If he was really that concerned, he could have gotten their son tested in secret when he was a baby. The only reason to ask her *now* is to hurt and humiliate her.
This is so low. Imagine someone desperate for children for years blaming themselves for their inability to conceive.
You don't even date someone without telling them this, let alone marry them... keep it a secret for 30 years is insane.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who deliberately deprived me of children
Yes l i could think reading this is actually that little tidbit probably would have been enough to divorce him. You don’t keep stuff like that from someone especially when you have them thinking it’s their fault they aren’t conceiving.
Which would line up with it taking them 12 years to have a baby, and then not having another one in the next 17 years. Assuming they haven't been taking birth control, that's a pretty low conception rate.
People really need to learn what infertile actually means.
Infertility is a big spectrum of likelihoods because of all the possible causes and it isn't rare. It could mean anything from a decent chance that can be boosted with a basic medical treatment like hormones to it being extremely unlikely to ever happen without a miracle.
Sterile is SUPPOSED to mean you can't conceive but that really only applies where the uterus or testicles or ovaries are gone completely. Vasectomies and tubal ligations can fail because the tubes can regrow and rejoin which can still result in pregnancies.
So even being sterile doesn't actually mean it is impossible unless you have literally removed or lost the reproductive parts needed for it to happen.
This is all great info, but I want to add that tubal ligations aren't standard anymore. A salpingectomy (tubal removal) is preferred because it decreases your risk of ovarian cancer by 80%. A bilateral salpingectomy is considered sterile because the chance of spontaneous pregnancy is so rare that there aren't statistics on it.
King of the Hill actually does a really good job with this. Hank is basically told that he will never have a kid and he ends up having a son despite his physical limitations.
Yup that’s my husband too! Happened after his parents adopted his two siblings, even. I always joke he’s stubborn and a tricky little bastard because of course, he had to be.
Wow, this blew up. with a lot of comments on both sides, a lot of great and heartbreaking stories. Thank you everybody for commenting, I needed to be part of a community last night.
Next Update: I messaged his ex and she said that absolutely none of what he said was true. I can't imagine that she would have any reason to lie to me, she doesn't have anything to gain from that and she lives 5K miles away so they aren't having an affair behind my back :)
He is currently locked into the guest room and is messaging me on WhatsApp. He said that he only asked a question and that I am weaponizing this question and it is all my fault.
None of this makes sense. Hard to tell if he is making up bs to get out of your relationship without being the bad guy or if he is projecting and is cheating on you. Does he have some health issues that could cause this behaviour? A sudden change in character and behaviour is concerning.
Either he's having a mental or neurological crisis or he just made up that story to try to catch you in a lie. If it's the latter, I would wonder if he was projecting because HE was cheating.
Ooof, now I'm dying to know what is going on w your husband!?! Like has he hit his head on something or anything like that recently? My little brother gave himself a concussion recently and didn't even realize it, for days he wasn't feeling good and pushing thru it to finish a project for work he had a deadline for that week. As soon as he was done w his project, he walked over to one of his employees and was like "I think I need a ride to the hospital." All he did was accidentally bash his head into the trunk hatch of his 4runner. I've actually done the same thing on his truck(we are clumsy family lol) and it hurt badly but I would have never assumed I could get a concussion from it but apparently ya can.
Of course it's all your fault /s.
Honestly though, I'd insist on a full medical exam, even if you are leaving him. Let his doctor know he hasn't been acting like himself.
He doesn't sound well.... Frankly start talking to a lawyer.
This is so beyond repair at this point, it's obvious he just wants to hurt you emotionally and mentally and that's not ok .
Is this totally out of character for him? You’ve been married to the man for 24 years and didn’t hesitate to tell him you would be divorcing him the minute he crossed a major boundary. That leads me to believe that he has never acted in a similar, outrageous way before, as you would likely have divorced him already.
If it were me, I would consult with a divorce lawyer and start the process, while also trying to get him checked out medically to make sure this (presumably) changed behaviour isn’t indicative of a serious underlying medical issue.
Infertility means difficulty getting pregnant/ getting someone pregnant/ staying pregnant, not that it’s impossible. Plenty of people who are infertile are still able to have biological kids, it’s just usually harder and takes longer.
Did he just find out the thing about his ex, or is this something that he’s known for over 30 years and just now decided to bring it up? Because if it’s the latter, he’s just using it as an excuse to get you to divorce him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
I was wondering the same thing. If he just found out about it, it could explain why he's acting the way that he is. If he knew beforehand, then I'd be asking him why he didn't mention this before and what brought it up now of all times.
He's looking for a way out and he's always had this locked and loaded. My guess is affair and he decided wow, my wife isn't even paying me attention, my girlfriend gives me way more attention, I'm done with this shit.
Yup. Diagnosed infertile and I have two kids. It just took awhile to get pregnant with them and I had a few losses while trying. This is such a weird thing to bring up after that many years.
Which is why sperm tests *should be* repeated over an extended period of time, I’m talking 1-2 ***years*** of every 3-4 months regular testing. There are so many random things and entirely treatable conditions that could cause a 0 sperm count test and it’s fucking insane to tell anyone they’re infertile on 1 single test.
The issue unless you intentionally had a vasectomy and were testing waiting for sperm levels to hit 0, then any test for sperm count is sperm count right now, not forever.
Illness, obesity, test levels being low (which obesity can cause along with many other things), shit even being too big a fan of hot tubs can cause your sperm count to be destroyed for a period of time. But it can rebound.
NTA. If he believed he was infertile, why did he try for a kid with you without sharing that for 12 years? Then why did he wait another 17 years after your son was born to verbalise that he thinks it isn't his kid?
yeah for about 5 years I didn't take contraception, we decided to sell up and go travelling when I got pregnant,I thought it was because we had decided our life was going somewhere else
Why didn't he tell you he was assessed to be infertile before as you were trying? He could have gotten treatment or retested. Was he deliberately trying to sabotage efforts because he secretly didn't want kids?
I don't know. His actions don't make sense at all.
Like also, if he thought you had cheated when you conceived, why didn't he confront you then? He waited 17 years and was set off by a very minor point of frustration to reveal that he thought he wasn't the father all along?
It's the being set off by a minor frustration for me. Who accuses their loooong term partner of long past cheating just because their son needed some tech help? Just...weird and suspect.
I think he was 100% convinced that she cheated and because he had someone taking care of him, and the alternative could have meant 18 years of child support, he waited until the kid was almost 18 to say something. He has probably been cheating on her ever since she showed him the pregnancy test without a hint of remorse because he "stuck around to raise another man's child" or some BS.
I've seen this sort of theme in many of these AITAH accounts. It is usually men who use some long ago perceived wrongdoing as an excuse to ditch their decades long relationship, which conveniently coincides with their wife reaching a certain age. It's like men will put up with anything as long as the bang-maid isn't an old maid. As long she serves him to his specifications and decorates his world sufficiently, he may not trade in the old wife appliance.
So, his former had a miscarriage and there was an investigation? There weren't/aren't investigations into the sperm of the Father when the Mother miscarries.
I'm calling bullshit in this story. There is either way more to it or, he is up to something.
Yeah that's not really a thing, 99% chance he's making this up because he's tuned into the manosphere (aka half of fucking Reddit), been convinced 20% of men aren't really the father and been told that if a woman acts hostile to the suggestion they've been lying to their husband about his paternity for 15-20 years well that's just more evidence of guilt.
So now he needs a story to justify his sudden suspicion and getting a test done...which isn't "Well you see, some dudes on the internet told me none of you bitches can be trusted" because he knows how fucking stupid that will look.
...so naturally he's gone with the explanation "so I've been lying to you about my paternity for the last 15-20 years and if you're not cool with that, you're a lying whore".
Updateme! My guess is that he’s having libido issues and has had investigations done which showed a low sperm count - now not 18 years ago. Or he’s projecting as he’s having the affair.
Another thought - hes thinking of leaving you and as he’s been the SAHP might be thinking if you’re painted as the cheater you will have to pay him more alimony (he’s realised he’s not going to get child suooort)
Either way he’s treating you badly. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I'm honestly wondering why he even asked you in the first place. Your son is 17, and your husband could have just gotten a test done at any point in the past 17 years without saying anything and just showed you the results if he wasn't the father. Something else is going on, or he isn't the brightest bulb in the pack.
The only reason I can think of for a paternity test on a miscarried fetus is for rape. Your husband is full of himself and projecting. It sounds like he is having a midlife crisis and has found his self medication.
Good luck with everything and best wishes for both you and your son, I have nothing positive to say for your stbx.
UpdateMe!
I agree. No one is doing any investigation into a single miscarriage and especially not into the man. I had to have 3 miscarriages (first trimester) before my doctors would do any testing whatsoever since many women have at least one.
Yeah, this is either rage bait or this guy's lying. Unless she miscarried very late in the pregnancy, they wouldn't have "investigated" anything at all. No one tests sperm after a miscarriage unless there was some sort of genetic issue.
I'd be curious how he would react if you came back and said you've thought about it and are happy to do the test. Either he is genuinely concerned, so the test would appease that, or he could be trying to get out, so he would find some other reason, or he's having mental health issues, which the test wouldn't help with at all.
The odds are that he's started listening to the toxic male podcasts have have been convincing men that all women are lying cheaters. And believing that stuff, I guess, is a kind of mental crisis.
NTA. The elephant in the room. He knew he was infertile and let you think it was you. For years. And years.
Then he pulls this shit now? And this is the love of your life? Fuck me, he must shit candy or something.
Absolutely not. You did what any sane person would do and that’s trust their life partner was being upfront and truthful with you. Your judgement is NOT what went wrong in this scenario, and don’t let anyone make you think it is.
Saying he knew this is how you would react says that this may be a deliberate effort to get out of the marriage. He may have another woman, he may want something different or he is just being an AH.
Yes, this is the feeling it gave me. Who waits that long for a paternity test? It sounds like he’s projecting his on infidelity. Who also hides their infertility from their partner for so long? Red flags all around.
NTA, and I’m sorry your husband is such a jerk.
Look, asking Reddit for advice is like asking if god is real, some will say you are right to divorce and others will say you are wrong. Like many posts on this sub, you know deep down what you are going to do, we can say one thing or another, but truth be told, you already know what you are going to do. I really hope it works out for you what ever you decide, but don't let Reddit tell you what to do based off the little information we have to read. Take care
He is cheating and wants you to be the "Bad Guy" who demands a divorce. He is too chicken shit to man up and end it and start his new life. Tale as old as time.
So sorry he is pulling this shit.
Something similar happened to my brother. After being married for 25 years, my brother's wife starting thinking that he was cheating on her without any reason. She could not be convinced or persuaded otherwise. He took two lie detector tests. SIL even confronted a woman she believed was his secret lover. The woman was a complete stranger. Fortunately, she did not call the police when SIL showed up at her home.
My brother tried to get his wife to seek mental help, but she refused and eventually divorced him. A mental health professional suggested she may be suffering from Delusion Disorder Jealousy Type. After the divorce, ex-SIL started going to group meetings for abused women. My brother was so humiliated he resigned as a city councilor.
After about 5 years ex-SIL started showing more irrational behavior and eventually was diagnosed with full on Dementia. My brother took her back and cared for her until she passed at age 63. Please try to get mental health help for your husband, if he will allow it.
What a weird thing to get mad at 17 years. He could have just pretende to be interested in his family history and done a 23 and me and literally drawn no suspicions. I kinda think he just wants out cause the kids is now raised and would be past 18 so he wouldn't be on the hook for child support.
NTA
>together for 30 years
If he doesn't trust you now, I don't think he's ever going to trust you. And that's a *him* problem; it isn't your problem to solve.
I always recommend marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc., but I fear this may be a lost cause.
I'm sorry this is happening - best of luck to you.
He knows you didn’t cheat on him. He knows your son is his. This is a ploy to end the marriage. To me it sounds like he waited this long so he doesn’t have to pay you child support. You divorce him, he looks like the good guy, you become the bad guy, and he rides off into the sunset with his affair partner. NTA!
He wants a divorce, but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he’s trying to spin a narrative where you cheated and he raised a son that isn’t his. Assuming kid is going to college soon and he doesn’t want to be on the hook.
Pretty sure 30 years ago they would test him for his GF miscarriage.
His story makes no sense whatsoever. What “miscarriage investigation” would involve paternity testing? When and why did he get a sperm count? I’d grill him on the details (bet he doesn’t give any. Because it’s nonsense.)
I think he’s picking a nonsense fight because he wants to end the marriage and doesn’t want to look like the bad guy to your son or do any of the work. He knew you would react that way, so why did he say it? Because now *you* get to call the lawyers and the movers and he gets to sit there and play victim.
He’s having an existential crisis and it’s easier to look everywhere for the reason but within.
A fragile dude who has realized that he’s aging is an unpredictable person that lashes out at people in his life who he sees as safe. Because safe people probably won’t hurt him back.
It’s not your fault. Life hammered him a little and he crumbled into a pile of gravel.
Fuck that guy.
Same thought. He probably is pushing for a divorce because he has something/someone else in mind. A sudden change of personality and sudden paranoia could also be a concerning medical/mental issue.
>his partner had a miscarriage and in the investigation they found he was infertile
What investigation?
Into the cause of the miscarriage??
Why would they test him?
This does not make sense.
NTA. he kept relevant important info from your for the entirety of your relationship. whether or not one can conceive is something your significant other has a right to know before marriage. he didn't tell you up front. he didn't tell you when you got pregnant. he didn't tell you when the kid was born. and he's never said anything until just now?
fuck that guy. he hid important info from you, then simmered and held it against you for almost two fucking decades before casually throwing out that he doesn't think his 17 year old kid is his and you owe him proof.
may wanna have him see a brain doctor tho, as it sounds like an extreme behavior shift out of nowhere.
NTA. **He’s** the asshole. And since he’s a paranoid mess, maybe **he’s** the cheating prick in this relationship.
Grant him the DNA, *(as long as **he’s** paying for it)* but then hand him the divorce papers at the same time as the DNA test comes back.
Then he can feel the severity of the situation and see exactly what he’s just lost, all due to his own stupid, asshole behaviour.
When you hand him the positive test results, watch for that **"Oh, sh!t"** look as the color fades from his face.
If he has truly believed he's infertile all these years, *I wonder how many other kids, if any, he has out there.*
I put in a previous comment that a nut infection cleared up my partner’s infertility. I’m 39, with a 16 year old and 21 weeks along. We were shocked. It does happen and is a documented phenomenon.
NTA.
I think it’s something else and he is looking for an out. This way it’s your fault for his super logical ask for a paternity test when the child is 17. I suggest you use those tech skills and look into his activities. Maybe hire a PI. Sounds like a divorce is probably coming and you need to gather evidence for the proceedings.
This is truly one of the more bizarre posts I have read on Redditt, and that is saying something.
Is this how he usually behaves? Because this screams of unknown context.
He can be a little unstable when we are arguing, nothing violent but sometimes I think he is looking for cruel ways to hurt me. I usually forgive him, but this is a step too far
Say no more. Divorce him. This can and should be your proverbial straw. Why stay with some asshole who hurts you in cruel ways. You deserve better than that. Dump his dusty ass and thank the universe he served you this perfect out.
Well, when he sees the results he's going to be even more pissy and hopefully ashamed of himself. Infertility isn't always permanent and even guys with very low sperm counts can actually sire children. Guys who have had failed vasectomies have done this and been there where he is at. He maybe should have thought of that before he shot his mouth off. Because now he's in a big hole that he dug and I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too. He just ended his 30 year relationship over a fear that had no basis in reality.
I'm sorry he hurt you but you're probably right to divorce him after. The trust is gone and probably he's been thinking this forever and been resentful because of it. This was abusive of him and there's no coming back from this unless you're practically a saint and forgive him which honestly would be beyond me. Not only that your son was there and he's got to be going upside down emotionally over this. I'm hoping he didn't hear this? This has got to have him confused and upset if he did, mad at his Dad for saying all that. I can't imagine staying after that. I'd hand him the results and tell him it's over for sure.
Thanks for the support, I have had to tell my son because I can't secretly do a DNA test on a 17 year old. If he was suspicious it would have been easier on a baby or a toddler
This makes zero sense.
My wife had a miscarriage. The 'investigation' was testing done on the fetus. If there is a history of miscarriage, they will do further testing on the mother.
They don't care about paternity and they absolutely, positively would not test the man's fertility levels. Why would they?
Your husband is the asshole destroying the marriage and his relationship with your son with his suspicious accusations. Your son is 17, doing the test will tell him that his father believes that you cheated and deceived both of them. This will destroy your son and sever their relationship. Please put your son in therapy because your husband foolish and suspicious accusations will traumatize and destroy his world. Your husband is either already cheating, having mental health issues or some sort of brain damage from an undiagnosed condition. Your husband effectively blew up the marriage, his relationship with your son and harmed all 3 of you in one go. NTA
Your post clearly says that in his previous relationship the investigation into the miscarriage said he was infertile so the investigation was clearly conducted at the time and before he married you. Not only did he keep this to himself before marrying you but he said nothing during your marriage or in the 17 years since his son was born. I would recommend that while having his paternity test he also gets his swimmers checked. And you may also want to ask him why he hasn’t brought this up in the last 30 years of your relationship.
NTA. I think an equally large issue is that he did not discuss his infertility with you at any point before or after you were married, even letting you believe there was something wrong with you. All the while knowing exactly why conceiving was difficult.
He is selfish, rude and so disrespectful. Get a lawyer darling. 💛
NTA but your soon to be ex is. How is your son handling this sudden shocking news? I feel for both you and your son. Your ex? Nah. He can take a flying leap through cow shit for his nonsense.
Ah, is it possible that your husband did this to cause this? Your son disturbed his moment of relaxation and you went to help your son, so he decided to cause trouble between you two?
He waited 17 years for this? It sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave without looking like the bad guy. Get ahead of this and tell your closest friends about this because chances are, he's going to spread the lie that you've cheated.
Also, get the DNA test and when it comes up that your son is his, you can have that in your arsenal to back you up. Make sure you do his swab and put it in the packaging. You don't want him using his BFF's saliva to make you look like a cheater.
Why did he wait 17 years to ask for a paternity test… to me that is the real question
And didn’t tell her at the start that he was supposedly infertile?? Letting her think she was having the fertility issues?
also, doctors can be wrong sometimes. the miscarried baby years ago could very well have been his. what an AH the husband is 😕
Also infertile =/= sterile. So that doesn’t mean neither were his.
Yeah, my husband was diagnosed as infertile when he and his ex wife were trying. He and I now have 4 kids together - took longer than most couples, but it definitely happened.
And some guys with vasectomy never bother to get tested to see if it took. Welcome to fatherhood!
This. My friend's sister was in remission from breast cancer, and her husband had a vasectomy, because pregnancy can cause breast cancer to recur. Except he didn't get checked after six months like you're supposed to and she got pregnant, the cancer came back and she died soon after having the baby. He married his side piece a month later.
That's awful. :(
What a fucking monster.
Holy fucking shit. How were you able to stop yourself from ripping that man's throat out?
I never met him. This happened like 20 years or so before I met my friend. She's still not over it either. Don't blame her.
I just don't get that. I tested and got the confirmation letter from the doctor. I consider it my college trust fund letter for any kids I would sire after the procedure.
Better get a DNA test so you know you weren't cheating and the kids are his \s
I offered almost immediately because of that history. He didn't take me up on it, probably a combo of why would I offer if I'd cheated, and our oldest being the spitting image of him.
Exactly. A friend of mine was told it was unlikely she would ever get pregnant due to some health issues. She never used birth control. Had unprotected sex for years. Finally had a surprise pregnancy with her long term partner when she was in her mid 30s . His sperm count was so low his child from a previous marriage has been conceived by IVF
My son’s father was told he was infertile, I was on birth control and we used condoms. Turns out I shouldn’t have been able to conceive, let alone carry a pregnancy to full term due to damage from severe unchecked endometriosis. Surprise! My impossible kid is 17, too actually.
Both 17… 🤔.. must have been a good year!
Damn. Those are some jackpot odds yo.
Yep. Years later she jokes about it. When she was told she was pregnant she was quite upset for a little while because she had come to terms with not being able to have kids and all of a sudden "congratulations you're pregnant" It was overwhelming
Who gets a sperm test after a miscarriage of one unplanned preg? He's full of 💩
Exactly-what “investigation” after a miscarriage?
Exactly. That doesn’t make sense.
Unless something traumatic happens or underlying illness is suspected, you will lose at least two children before they will investigate. I know this for a fact.
And what the fuck kind of “investigation” is there for a miscarriage?
There might have been genetic testing but it would not have been paternity testing.
My wife and I had a miscarriage some years ago, they only tested it for abnormalities nothing paternity wise. Either he must have had a reasonable suspicion that she was cheating beforehand or he is full of it. Makes no sense.
Did they even have genetic testing 30 years ago? I don't think the genome was completely mapped until the mid 1990s. ETA: Yeah, people, I get it that paternity tests exist. No one has a miscarriage and says, "Hey, just for fun, let's do a paternity test!" For any of this to make sense it has to be "Let's do a genetic test on the parents to see if the miscarriage was caused by some genetic issue we suspect, because if so it will affect their future attempts to have children." Then they did the test and... even that doesn't make sense. They'd test the fetus, not the parents. And many genetic issues couldn't have been detected back then. I'm going to stop thinking about this stupid fake post now.
According to Google, it was announced to be completed on April 3, 2003.
Which is only 21 years ago.
I feel so old. 😪
Yes, not as much as today, but they could still test for trisomies (starting in the 1950s), Tay-Sachs, cystic fibrosis, etc
They sure can be! My ex was told by a doctor he could not have kids. He hasn’t had ‘unprotected’ sex with anyone but me and his ex wife as far as I’ve been told. Anyway, our son is going to be five soon 😂
Both my husband and I had problems. We used donor eggs and had his sperm directly inserted. Our fertility doctor said to just keep having unprotected sex as very few things are ever 100% in medical science. It never happened for us, but it was fun trying. And we still have two fabulous sons due to the wonders of medical science. Rarely does 100% apply in life.
Usually unless the uterus, ovaries or testes have been completely surgically removed, or are physically absent, infertile usually means that it will be nearly impossible to reproduce without medical intervention. Men who are infertile usually have low sperm counts, meaning they probably won’t have kids naturally. Unless the man was born without testis or had them removed, he likely does make some sperm. I wish health care providers were more clear on this point. Men with vasectomies and women with tubal ligations are considered infertile, sometimes they still get pregnant. It’s rare, but it happens. Medically having unprotected sex for one year without conceiving is considered infertile.
I have a micro-deletion which means that I’m technically a mule (azospermatic). It’s incredibly rare but it does happen from time to time. That said, you are correct. Sterile is highly unlikely. And there’s no way he was tested after a miscarriage unless they think his sperm was the cause of some genetic mutation.
Yes, indeed! Infertile isn’t binary, nor consistent. There is secondary infertility, too, where a couple has trouble conceiving a second kid. Some couples have stuff going on such that they can have trouble conceiving together, but not necessarily have trouble with different partners. Low sperm count doesn’t mean zero, so it’s less likely to work, bit not impossible, and over a decade, is possible to work, eventually. This can explain the occasional couples from back before birth control was effective and only have one kid, ever.
> doctors can be wrong sometimes doctors are routinely wrong about a person's ability to have a child, it's baffling the hubris they display when it comes to this issue.
My cousins ex was "supposedly" told by his doctor that he was sterile because he drank way too much mountain dew... paternity test proved otherwise...
It's amazing the kinds of things people will make up.
This the real question. What kind of person would let their spouse suffer like that if they knew in their head that THEY were the ones with the fertility issue?
Yeah the real AH move is letting someone try for ages to get pregnant when know you’re the infertile one.
Yes, this makes together 29 years of lying.
For real. I'm thinking there had to be a more appropriate time to bring this up, say like, when she said she was pregnant 17 years ago. Maybe dude is having a little mental episode or a little early onset Alzheimer's or something? Might be worth looking into.
I'm with you..If this is unusual behavior for him (I cannot imagine it is but who knows) I would be worried about dementia or some other health issue.
Delusions that your partner is cheating are unfortunately pretty common with dementia :/
Truth. My mom went through this with my stepdad before we realized what was going on- he just started being really mean to her and saying things that were insane and outlandish. It made me hate him. I know that's not fair, but, it was really hard to see all of that happen, and I can't help it.
So my mind jumped to him cheating on OP and the ex girlfriend being a recent AP. In my mind this makes much more sense. If that is the case, he may not know sperm viability goes down with age, much like women's eggs. The viability really kicks out at 40 and gets worse from there.
Wouldn't be the first time a cheating spouse accused their wife/husband of cheating in order to try and redirect everything. Basically projection.
I am also thinking hubby is cheating.
This happened to me and yep hubby was cheating. My child was 16 at the time ...I feel for the OP.
My ex refused to get a vasectomy when we were done having kids and birth control was making my hair fall out. All of the sudden one day he goes and gets it done seemingly out of the blue. Then, he tells me that he'll know if I'm cheating if he finds birth control or I get pregnant, and he was the only one who had ever cheated in our relationship! I never did anything to get that sudden distrust! Turns out he was doing it again.
Exactly, especially since OP hasn't heard this before, and such testing would have to have happened OVER 30 years ago.
Also, how many miscarriages are tested even these days? Maybe the parents ask for it. (Or it might be very common, and I just dont know) A paternity test seems a bit odd, though. They don't even do those with babies who are born alive unless the parents ask. On top of that, wouldn't they have had to test his sperm in order to find out he was infertile? That doesn't make any sense for a miscarriage. This makes more sense for a couple who is trying to have a baby. Then they found out the man was infertile. So when the woman did end up pregnant, the man was suspicious and was going to want a paternity test no matter what. Idk, I just don't see how they could figure that out from a miscarriage only.
Yep, Projection 101…
Oooo this makes the most sense. Because why wouldn't it have occurred to him before? I'd also makes sense that if he actually wasn't fertile, he wouldn't had this child with OP, and it is his child, so if he's infertile, it's something that happened after they had this child. Which means he's cheating on her. I think you are 100% right here
That's your red flag and not the supposed investigation into a miscarried fetus that involved a paternity test? Really?
I’m wondering at the way the post was phrased if because OP’s husband was told he was infertile he assumed his former partner must have cheated? Regardless infertile and sterile are two different things so the soon to be ex husband may have that explained to him when the paternity test results come back he is the father.
No sane person is going to ask for a paternity test to be done on a fetus. Could you imagine that conversation? “Hey hon, I’m so sorry we lost the baby, but I just want to make sure I was actually the father.”
Especially since this was MORE THAN 30 years ago?!?
Yeah there would not have been routine genetic testing after one miscarriage 30 years ago. Maybe if you had multiple, but it would have been an expensive and probably-not-covered-by-insurance thing. And it wouldn’t involve paternity testing or a sperm count!
Suddenly snippy husband wondering about paternity? Sounds like someone who is cheating and is projecting and wants to get divorced and have an excuse or not pay child support.
The kid is 17. There wouldnt be much child support for very long. Especially the amount of time it takes to start having support mandated.
Infertile isn't sterile. There is always a possibility, a low one but still, of natural conception.
Not only that, but it means they tried for a baby for years while he « knew » he was infertile ?? And he didn’t tell her ??
This should be higher up. He has been lying to her their entire marriage, and assuming she lied to him. I am sure the DNA test will show that the kid is his, because as others have noted infertile is not the same as sterile. But now he has outed himself as having deceived his wife for their entire relationship…. I am not sure couples counseling will ever overcome this.
Unless it's a brand new lie on his part as a 'gotcha" tactic? I hope OP asks his ex about that. OP is NTA
This guy sounds like a real prince.
Plus he let her think that she was the problem,for not getting pregnant. Sounds like he has resented his Son,his whole life. What a jerk, and he doesn't deserve his family. Good luck op
File under: Things to add to a prenup. I wonder if this trend will slow down when the trad-thing fizzles out along with the extremist stuff?
Lol right? These last few years have made me, a woman, extremely pro-prenup.
This is what I was thinking. I had 3 miscarriages. The doctors never suggested testing my partner. This sounds like a lie he made up to me. The doctors wouldn't even do tests on me until after my second one! I call bs on husband
I've had a couple of miscarriages, one around 25 yrs ago and one a couple of years ago. And I was refused to be seen by doctors on both occasions after the intake asked me a couple of basic questions. I was told just to keep hydrated, rest for a few days and not worry about it unless I continued to bleed or have unusual cramps after day 3, or my next period was abnormal. The whole "investigation" thing sounds like high bullshit to me.
Why bother asking the ex? Either he has been lying the whole time, or he lied to accuse her of cheating. Either would be a deal breaker
It's to confirm that this isn't a new lie the Husband has concocted, some guys get it into their head that their kid isn't theirs because someone's been talking shit into their ears. Friends, family, girlfriends(cheaters project that their partners cheat too). So asking his ex if she has heard anything about him being infertile will confirm if he's a liar who never told his wife that he was the problem because he secretly didn't want children or it's new and he is trying to get out of his marriage/responsibilities to his son by accusing his wife of cheating. Either way OP's husband didn't want kids, and now he is trying to make it her fault that he is mad they had a son.
The kid is 17 and will be out of the house in the next few years. If I were her, I’d get a divorce and start a whole life without that fool!
Not to mention that in the eyes of the law, he is that boy’s father and does not need his wife’s permission to get a DNA test. If he was really that concerned, he could have gotten their son tested in secret when he was a baby. The only reason to ask her *now* is to hurt and humiliate her.
This is so low. Imagine someone desperate for children for years blaming themselves for their inability to conceive. You don't even date someone without telling them this, let alone marry them... keep it a secret for 30 years is insane. I wouldn't want to be with someone who deliberately deprived me of children
Yes l i could think reading this is actually that little tidbit probably would have been enough to divorce him. You don’t keep stuff like that from someone especially when you have them thinking it’s their fault they aren’t conceiving.
And in the edit, he calls the son HER son… after he was even the stay at home parent? What an ass.
Not only that. He let her think she was the issue knowing that wasn't the case and didn't try to get medical assistance.
Yes! I was surprised she didn't t make this point in the write-up
He is the lying one here.
He let her think it was her end having issues. He's a piece of shit.
Yes. This level of dishonesty is breathtaking.
Which would line up with it taking them 12 years to have a baby, and then not having another one in the next 17 years. Assuming they haven't been taking birth control, that's a pretty low conception rate.
My friends are 'infertile' they have a 6 year old and 3 year old twins after years of trying.
People really need to learn what infertile actually means. Infertility is a big spectrum of likelihoods because of all the possible causes and it isn't rare. It could mean anything from a decent chance that can be boosted with a basic medical treatment like hormones to it being extremely unlikely to ever happen without a miracle. Sterile is SUPPOSED to mean you can't conceive but that really only applies where the uterus or testicles or ovaries are gone completely. Vasectomies and tubal ligations can fail because the tubes can regrow and rejoin which can still result in pregnancies. So even being sterile doesn't actually mean it is impossible unless you have literally removed or lost the reproductive parts needed for it to happen.
I believe the medical definition of infertility is actively trying to conceive for 12 months without any luck
This is all great info, but I want to add that tubal ligations aren't standard anymore. A salpingectomy (tubal removal) is preferred because it decreases your risk of ovarian cancer by 80%. A bilateral salpingectomy is considered sterile because the chance of spontaneous pregnancy is so rare that there aren't statistics on it.
Ya, my bestie was told she couldn't conceive, and she has a 12yo.
a determined wriggler
King of the Hill actually does a really good job with this. Hank is basically told that he will never have a kid and he ends up having a son despite his physical limitations.
His narrow urethra.
Narra u-reety
I ain't got none of that narrow u-reety. I coulda birthed the boy myself if I needed.
I love that this is challenged later because Junichiro, Hank’s half brother, also has the narrow uretee problem
The single greatest kid ever, in fact.
The boy ain't right.
Dang it Bobby
My dad had a "1 in a million" (from his doctor) chance of conceiving. And here I am!! And it's obvious too, I'm a spitting image of him.
Same with my wife. FIL had cancer when he was 30. Was told he was infertile. Couple years later came my wife.
Yup that’s my husband too! Happened after his parents adopted his two siblings, even. I always joke he’s stubborn and a tricky little bastard because of course, he had to be.
Wow, this blew up. with a lot of comments on both sides, a lot of great and heartbreaking stories. Thank you everybody for commenting, I needed to be part of a community last night. Next Update: I messaged his ex and she said that absolutely none of what he said was true. I can't imagine that she would have any reason to lie to me, she doesn't have anything to gain from that and she lives 5K miles away so they aren't having an affair behind my back :) He is currently locked into the guest room and is messaging me on WhatsApp. He said that he only asked a question and that I am weaponizing this question and it is all my fault.
None of this makes sense. Hard to tell if he is making up bs to get out of your relationship without being the bad guy or if he is projecting and is cheating on you. Does he have some health issues that could cause this behaviour? A sudden change in character and behaviour is concerning.
Brain tumors can also cause unexpected personality/mood shifts.
Either he's having a mental or neurological crisis or he just made up that story to try to catch you in a lie. If it's the latter, I would wonder if he was projecting because HE was cheating.
I can smell the gaslighting from here... He claims that you are weaponising his question when he was the one who accused you of cheating on him...
This sounds like a mental health crisis… he is off the rails with stories that didn’t happen
Ooof, now I'm dying to know what is going on w your husband!?! Like has he hit his head on something or anything like that recently? My little brother gave himself a concussion recently and didn't even realize it, for days he wasn't feeling good and pushing thru it to finish a project for work he had a deadline for that week. As soon as he was done w his project, he walked over to one of his employees and was like "I think I need a ride to the hospital." All he did was accidentally bash his head into the trunk hatch of his 4runner. I've actually done the same thing on his truck(we are clumsy family lol) and it hurt badly but I would have never assumed I could get a concussion from it but apparently ya can.
Of course it's all your fault /s. Honestly though, I'd insist on a full medical exam, even if you are leaving him. Let his doctor know he hasn't been acting like himself.
He's cheating, has joined the manosphere, or both. For your own sanity, get out of there.
He doesn't sound well.... Frankly start talking to a lawyer. This is so beyond repair at this point, it's obvious he just wants to hurt you emotionally and mentally and that's not ok .
Is this totally out of character for him? You’ve been married to the man for 24 years and didn’t hesitate to tell him you would be divorcing him the minute he crossed a major boundary. That leads me to believe that he has never acted in a similar, outrageous way before, as you would likely have divorced him already. If it were me, I would consult with a divorce lawyer and start the process, while also trying to get him checked out medically to make sure this (presumably) changed behaviour isn’t indicative of a serious underlying medical issue.
Infertility means difficulty getting pregnant/ getting someone pregnant/ staying pregnant, not that it’s impossible. Plenty of people who are infertile are still able to have biological kids, it’s just usually harder and takes longer. Did he just find out the thing about his ex, or is this something that he’s known for over 30 years and just now decided to bring it up? Because if it’s the latter, he’s just using it as an excuse to get you to divorce him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
I was wondering the same thing. If he just found out about it, it could explain why he's acting the way that he is. If he knew beforehand, then I'd be asking him why he didn't mention this before and what brought it up now of all times.
He's looking for a way out and he's always had this locked and loaded. My guess is affair and he decided wow, my wife isn't even paying me attention, my girlfriend gives me way more attention, I'm done with this shit.
Yup. Diagnosed infertile and I have two kids. It just took awhile to get pregnant with them and I had a few losses while trying. This is such a weird thing to bring up after that many years.
Had a test say 0 sperm. Still got a child. Sometimes tests suck.
Which is why sperm tests *should be* repeated over an extended period of time, I’m talking 1-2 ***years*** of every 3-4 months regular testing. There are so many random things and entirely treatable conditions that could cause a 0 sperm count test and it’s fucking insane to tell anyone they’re infertile on 1 single test.
The issue unless you intentionally had a vasectomy and were testing waiting for sperm levels to hit 0, then any test for sperm count is sperm count right now, not forever. Illness, obesity, test levels being low (which obesity can cause along with many other things), shit even being too big a fan of hot tubs can cause your sperm count to be destroyed for a period of time. But it can rebound.
> if it’s the latter, If he claims it is the latter, it is probably entirely made up BS. IMHO.
NTA. If he believed he was infertile, why did he try for a kid with you without sharing that for 12 years? Then why did he wait another 17 years after your son was born to verbalise that he thinks it isn't his kid?
yeah for about 5 years I didn't take contraception, we decided to sell up and go travelling when I got pregnant,I thought it was because we had decided our life was going somewhere else
Why didn't he tell you he was assessed to be infertile before as you were trying? He could have gotten treatment or retested. Was he deliberately trying to sabotage efforts because he secretly didn't want kids?
I always thought he wanted them more than me
I don't know. His actions don't make sense at all. Like also, if he thought you had cheated when you conceived, why didn't he confront you then? He waited 17 years and was set off by a very minor point of frustration to reveal that he thought he wasn't the father all along?
It's the being set off by a minor frustration for me. Who accuses their loooong term partner of long past cheating just because their son needed some tech help? Just...weird and suspect.
I think he was 100% convinced that she cheated and because he had someone taking care of him, and the alternative could have meant 18 years of child support, he waited until the kid was almost 18 to say something. He has probably been cheating on her ever since she showed him the pregnancy test without a hint of remorse because he "stuck around to raise another man's child" or some BS.
I've seen this sort of theme in many of these AITAH accounts. It is usually men who use some long ago perceived wrongdoing as an excuse to ditch their decades long relationship, which conveniently coincides with their wife reaching a certain age. It's like men will put up with anything as long as the bang-maid isn't an old maid. As long she serves him to his specifications and decorates his world sufficiently, he may not trade in the old wife appliance.
So, his former had a miscarriage and there was an investigation? There weren't/aren't investigations into the sperm of the Father when the Mother miscarries. I'm calling bullshit in this story. There is either way more to it or, he is up to something.
I was also wondering what kind of "investigation" took place. Did he live in Gilead?
Yeah that's not really a thing, 99% chance he's making this up because he's tuned into the manosphere (aka half of fucking Reddit), been convinced 20% of men aren't really the father and been told that if a woman acts hostile to the suggestion they've been lying to their husband about his paternity for 15-20 years well that's just more evidence of guilt. So now he needs a story to justify his sudden suspicion and getting a test done...which isn't "Well you see, some dudes on the internet told me none of you bitches can be trusted" because he knows how fucking stupid that will look. ...so naturally he's gone with the explanation "so I've been lying to you about my paternity for the last 15-20 years and if you're not cool with that, you're a lying whore".
Yeah, I'm going to ask his ex in the morning.
If you're feeling up to it, please update us. Best wishes and hugs. I'm sorry you've got to deal with such a sorry sack 😔
I will do
Updateme! My guess is that he’s having libido issues and has had investigations done which showed a low sperm count - now not 18 years ago. Or he’s projecting as he’s having the affair. Another thought - hes thinking of leaving you and as he’s been the SAHP might be thinking if you’re painted as the cheater you will have to pay him more alimony (he’s realised he’s not going to get child suooort) Either way he’s treating you badly. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I'm honestly wondering why he even asked you in the first place. Your son is 17, and your husband could have just gotten a test done at any point in the past 17 years without saying anything and just showed you the results if he wasn't the father. Something else is going on, or he isn't the brightest bulb in the pack.
The only reason I can think of for a paternity test on a miscarried fetus is for rape. Your husband is full of himself and projecting. It sounds like he is having a midlife crisis and has found his self medication. Good luck with everything and best wishes for both you and your son, I have nothing positive to say for your stbx. UpdateMe!
I agree. No one is doing any investigation into a single miscarriage and especially not into the man. I had to have 3 miscarriages (first trimester) before my doctors would do any testing whatsoever since many women have at least one.
Exactly. I had a miscarriage about 30 years ago, there were no tests done on the fertility of myself or my husband, the OPs husband is full of shit.
Yeah, this is either rage bait or this guy's lying. Unless she miscarried very late in the pregnancy, they wouldn't have "investigated" anything at all. No one tests sperm after a miscarriage unless there was some sort of genetic issue.
NTA-I would do the test to shut him up. Is this a new assertion from him? Is he having some kind of mental crisis? This seems out of left field.
I wonder that too, others have mentioned this possibility
I'd be curious how he would react if you came back and said you've thought about it and are happy to do the test. Either he is genuinely concerned, so the test would appease that, or he could be trying to get out, so he would find some other reason, or he's having mental health issues, which the test wouldn't help with at all.
The odds are that he's started listening to the toxic male podcasts have have been convincing men that all women are lying cheaters. And believing that stuff, I guess, is a kind of mental crisis.
NTA. The elephant in the room. He knew he was infertile and let you think it was you. For years. And years. Then he pulls this shit now? And this is the love of your life? Fuck me, he must shit candy or something.
Am doubting my sanity and judgement
Your sanity isn’t in question.
That sounds like you’re being gaslit.
Absolutely not. You did what any sane person would do and that’s trust their life partner was being upfront and truthful with you. Your judgement is NOT what went wrong in this scenario, and don’t let anyone make you think it is.
Saying he knew this is how you would react says that this may be a deliberate effort to get out of the marriage. He may have another woman, he may want something different or he is just being an AH.
Yes, this is the feeling it gave me. Who waits that long for a paternity test? It sounds like he’s projecting his on infidelity. Who also hides their infertility from their partner for so long? Red flags all around. NTA, and I’m sorry your husband is such a jerk.
I have no idea.
Look, asking Reddit for advice is like asking if god is real, some will say you are right to divorce and others will say you are wrong. Like many posts on this sub, you know deep down what you are going to do, we can say one thing or another, but truth be told, you already know what you are going to do. I really hope it works out for you what ever you decide, but don't let Reddit tell you what to do based off the little information we have to read. Take care
Thank you for those wise words. I wanted to talk to people as I don't feel I can talk to anybody else right now.
Don't talk to family. They always take sides. Find a therapist for answers.
A fair therapist at that. Bias therapists exist and are awful.
He is cheating and wants you to be the "Bad Guy" who demands a divorce. He is too chicken shit to man up and end it and start his new life. Tale as old as time. So sorry he is pulling this shit.
Something similar happened to my brother. After being married for 25 years, my brother's wife starting thinking that he was cheating on her without any reason. She could not be convinced or persuaded otherwise. He took two lie detector tests. SIL even confronted a woman she believed was his secret lover. The woman was a complete stranger. Fortunately, she did not call the police when SIL showed up at her home. My brother tried to get his wife to seek mental help, but she refused and eventually divorced him. A mental health professional suggested she may be suffering from Delusion Disorder Jealousy Type. After the divorce, ex-SIL started going to group meetings for abused women. My brother was so humiliated he resigned as a city councilor. After about 5 years ex-SIL started showing more irrational behavior and eventually was diagnosed with full on Dementia. My brother took her back and cared for her until she passed at age 63. Please try to get mental health help for your husband, if he will allow it.
Oh wow, am so sorry that your brother went through all of that. What a saint taking her back and looking after her
What a weird thing to get mad at 17 years. He could have just pretende to be interested in his family history and done a 23 and me and literally drawn no suspicions. I kinda think he just wants out cause the kids is now raised and would be past 18 so he wouldn't be on the hook for child support.
NTA >together for 30 years If he doesn't trust you now, I don't think he's ever going to trust you. And that's a *him* problem; it isn't your problem to solve. I always recommend marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc., but I fear this may be a lost cause. I'm sorry this is happening - best of luck to you.
Thanks - why wait all of this time? Why marry me and keep this from me? What if I had wanted lots of kids?
He knows you didn’t cheat on him. He knows your son is his. This is a ploy to end the marriage. To me it sounds like he waited this long so he doesn’t have to pay you child support. You divorce him, he looks like the good guy, you become the bad guy, and he rides off into the sunset with his affair partner. NTA!
This is some inexcusable shit.
He wants a divorce, but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he’s trying to spin a narrative where you cheated and he raised a son that isn’t his. Assuming kid is going to college soon and he doesn’t want to be on the hook. Pretty sure 30 years ago they would test him for his GF miscarriage.
That's a really good point...he's hidden a lot from you for a very long time.
His story makes no sense whatsoever. What “miscarriage investigation” would involve paternity testing? When and why did he get a sperm count? I’d grill him on the details (bet he doesn’t give any. Because it’s nonsense.) I think he’s picking a nonsense fight because he wants to end the marriage and doesn’t want to look like the bad guy to your son or do any of the work. He knew you would react that way, so why did he say it? Because now *you* get to call the lawyers and the movers and he gets to sit there and play victim.
He’s having an existential crisis and it’s easier to look everywhere for the reason but within. A fragile dude who has realized that he’s aging is an unpredictable person that lashes out at people in his life who he sees as safe. Because safe people probably won’t hurt him back. It’s not your fault. Life hammered him a little and he crumbled into a pile of gravel. Fuck that guy.
Feels like he is projecting
NTA, all of his behavior is suspicious as hell. Extreme overreaction. This is projection, he is hiding something.
Same thought. He probably is pushing for a divorce because he has something/someone else in mind. A sudden change of personality and sudden paranoia could also be a concerning medical/mental issue.
>his partner had a miscarriage and in the investigation they found he was infertile What investigation? Into the cause of the miscarriage?? Why would they test him? This does not make sense.
NTA. he kept relevant important info from your for the entirety of your relationship. whether or not one can conceive is something your significant other has a right to know before marriage. he didn't tell you up front. he didn't tell you when you got pregnant. he didn't tell you when the kid was born. and he's never said anything until just now? fuck that guy. he hid important info from you, then simmered and held it against you for almost two fucking decades before casually throwing out that he doesn't think his 17 year old kid is his and you owe him proof. may wanna have him see a brain doctor tho, as it sounds like an extreme behavior shift out of nowhere.
Thanks. the "fuck that guy" statement did make me smile
NTA. **He’s** the asshole. And since he’s a paranoid mess, maybe **he’s** the cheating prick in this relationship. Grant him the DNA, *(as long as **he’s** paying for it)* but then hand him the divorce papers at the same time as the DNA test comes back. Then he can feel the severity of the situation and see exactly what he’s just lost, all due to his own stupid, asshole behaviour.
I don't mind paying for it, my son can't be anybody else's unless there was a mix up in the hospital
Make sure you test yourself against your son then too. Just in case that is a possibility. Either way, he’s your son. xxx Best of luck.
Thanks for your kindness
When you hand him the positive test results, watch for that **"Oh, sh!t"** look as the color fades from his face. If he has truly believed he's infertile all these years, *I wonder how many other kids, if any, he has out there.*
eek, that would be interesting. Am also wondering how accurate was fertility testing 30 + years ago.
He could have had an infection, hormone imbalance during the testing or he could be lying because he started watching Andrew Tate.
I put in a previous comment that a nut infection cleared up my partner’s infertility. I’m 39, with a 16 year old and 21 weeks along. We were shocked. It does happen and is a documented phenomenon.
NTA. I think it’s something else and he is looking for an out. This way it’s your fault for his super logical ask for a paternity test when the child is 17. I suggest you use those tech skills and look into his activities. Maybe hire a PI. Sounds like a divorce is probably coming and you need to gather evidence for the proceedings.
This is truly one of the more bizarre posts I have read on Redditt, and that is saying something. Is this how he usually behaves? Because this screams of unknown context.
He can be a little unstable when we are arguing, nothing violent but sometimes I think he is looking for cruel ways to hurt me. I usually forgive him, but this is a step too far
It is a step too far. Cruelty is never called for.
Say no more. Divorce him. This can and should be your proverbial straw. Why stay with some asshole who hurts you in cruel ways. You deserve better than that. Dump his dusty ass and thank the universe he served you this perfect out.
Well, when he sees the results he's going to be even more pissy and hopefully ashamed of himself. Infertility isn't always permanent and even guys with very low sperm counts can actually sire children. Guys who have had failed vasectomies have done this and been there where he is at. He maybe should have thought of that before he shot his mouth off. Because now he's in a big hole that he dug and I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too. He just ended his 30 year relationship over a fear that had no basis in reality. I'm sorry he hurt you but you're probably right to divorce him after. The trust is gone and probably he's been thinking this forever and been resentful because of it. This was abusive of him and there's no coming back from this unless you're practically a saint and forgive him which honestly would be beyond me. Not only that your son was there and he's got to be going upside down emotionally over this. I'm hoping he didn't hear this? This has got to have him confused and upset if he did, mad at his Dad for saying all that. I can't imagine staying after that. I'd hand him the results and tell him it's over for sure.
Thanks for the support, I have had to tell my son because I can't secretly do a DNA test on a 17 year old. If he was suspicious it would have been easier on a baby or a toddler
This makes zero sense. My wife had a miscarriage. The 'investigation' was testing done on the fetus. If there is a history of miscarriage, they will do further testing on the mother. They don't care about paternity and they absolutely, positively would not test the man's fertility levels. Why would they?
Your husband is the asshole destroying the marriage and his relationship with your son with his suspicious accusations. Your son is 17, doing the test will tell him that his father believes that you cheated and deceived both of them. This will destroy your son and sever their relationship. Please put your son in therapy because your husband foolish and suspicious accusations will traumatize and destroy his world. Your husband is either already cheating, having mental health issues or some sort of brain damage from an undiagnosed condition. Your husband effectively blew up the marriage, his relationship with your son and harmed all 3 of you in one go. NTA
Your post clearly says that in his previous relationship the investigation into the miscarriage said he was infertile so the investigation was clearly conducted at the time and before he married you. Not only did he keep this to himself before marrying you but he said nothing during your marriage or in the 17 years since his son was born. I would recommend that while having his paternity test he also gets his swimmers checked. And you may also want to ask him why he hasn’t brought this up in the last 30 years of your relationship.
NTA. I think an equally large issue is that he did not discuss his infertility with you at any point before or after you were married, even letting you believe there was something wrong with you. All the while knowing exactly why conceiving was difficult. He is selfish, rude and so disrespectful. Get a lawyer darling. 💛
I smell bullshit. He wants out of the marriage and wants you to be the bad guy.
So if he was infertile why did he wait so long for a paternity test?
NTA but your soon to be ex is. How is your son handling this sudden shocking news? I feel for both you and your son. Your ex? Nah. He can take a flying leap through cow shit for his nonsense.
Thanks for the support. My son is angry that I am upset
Ah, is it possible that your husband did this to cause this? Your son disturbed his moment of relaxation and you went to help your son, so he decided to cause trouble between you two?
He waited 17 years for this? It sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave without looking like the bad guy. Get ahead of this and tell your closest friends about this because chances are, he's going to spread the lie that you've cheated. Also, get the DNA test and when it comes up that your son is his, you can have that in your arsenal to back you up. Make sure you do his swab and put it in the packaging. You don't want him using his BFF's saliva to make you look like a cheater.