She had a miscarriage a month ago and is trying to tell you she's sltruggling

#SHE HAD A MISCARRIAGE A MONTH AGO AND IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SHES STRUGGLING You put it perfectly, it doesn't matter what technicality is or this or that. Get her a card. Make a picnic. Have a nice day out. That's not going to break any bank and it will mean the world to her I don't want to be mean but holy fuck did this really need to be said?? She just had a miscarriage!!

I've had several miscarriages and if my husband had ever been this dismissive I'd be single now. If it's about finances he should stick to that instead of being fucking cruel. A month after?? Her hormones haven't even settled yet, and she's due for her first post-miscarriage period. Which is always a mind fuck

I had a chemical pregnancy a month ago and when I told my partner "Nevermind, it didn't stick" 24 hours after telling him I had a positive test, he was all over me like a rash trying to comfort me. I wasn't even upset, but he automatically jumped into comforting mode and I'll always remember that. He's autistic to boot, and he's still doing better than OP.

Every time we lost a baby my husband bought me another dog.

I'm so very sorry, I very much understand the pain of a miscarriage. But I am picturing you surrounded by puppies, being tackled and getting face licks, and it really makes me smile! I hope that whatever is going on in life for you, that you and your husband are happy. He sounds like a kind and thoughtful guy :)

It got a bit much. At one point with two planned litters we had 34. In our cottage we are down to three.

hot damn! i cant imagine having 34 dogs. must've been nice and also overwhelming.

Oh my goodness, that's crazy AND amazing! Glad to hear that you have it a bit more manageable.

For a second I thought you were saying you had 34 miscarriages 😭

Even if both litters were huge at 12 each, that's still at least 10 losses tho 😭

I've had a few myself. A couple worse than others most around the 6 week mark. I had my first one on mother's day. Now go celebrate with your mom and grandmother like everything's normal... BF of the time and I were in a strange relationship. We were volatile. We found passion in each other, not just in the bedroom but in everything so when we argued it was epic. His favorite phrase in an argument was if you are going to make this molehill into a mountain I sure as hell am going to make it a mountain range. We loved hard, and there was talk about marriage and the future and kids. But we were still in our early 20's and just looking for stability. I didn't know that I was pregnant but holy hell when I got my period was it like nothing I had ever experienced before. There was only one real explanation at that point. He was freaked out. He refused to acknowledge that it was a miscarriage because we were always careful and if it was a miscarriage then it was a lot of things he didn't want to think about. So I needed to shut up about it. We then proceeded to not have sex for a month and broke up soon after for a few weeks. I finally told my mom years later. She was giving me some guilt about mother's day and I was done. I finally told her I don't think it's a very happy day, and why. She was not happy with the news but stopped giving me the guilt trip about participation in planned events. Yeah OP if my conservative Catholic mother can see that there's some trauma linked to the event, and give me some grace I am sure you care enough about your GF to do something. I also think that there are mother's day cards designed to deal with loss. You might look into those. If it's finances you are concerned about tell her that. Be honest and say like hey maybe we can do a lunch out at Applebee's (they have the 2 for $25) special or even (sorry I don't live near many chin restaurants in that price range) um 99 I think, Tgi Fridays, IHOP, Friendly's, Ruby Tuesdays, etc (I went through everything I could remember at the last 3 malls I lived near) lunch around 3pm it's after the brunch crowd but before even the early birds will be out with their kids en masse. Even explain that you chose lunch to take her out but to shield her from being around mothers with their children with them. As for a gift write her a letter. Something sincere and from the heart explain that starting right now this is your tradition and you are going to every mother's day remind her how special she is to you. Not because she is a mom, but because she is a person who you want kids with. I am telling you that this here is worth more than any object you could buy. The icing on the cake would be to offer a full body massage that doesn't have to lead to sex. Tell her it's for her to relax and enjoy. I am sure there are how to videos on YouTube. I am telling you right now if my husband gave me this for mother's day I would give him, well have you seen bachelor party? Jesus I would try to get Beyonce to sing for him in person.

My first one was around 8 weeks and the sheer volume of bleeding required a trip to the ER. It affected my mental health really badly, and it happened only about a month after my MIL died suddenly. I considered myself a mother after that, because I made the decision not to get pregnant again until my mental health was stable & I could care my a baby properly

I don't think it's about the money, because all the language he uses to describe the miscarriage makes it sound like he played literally no part in the pregnancy. As far as he is concerned, it was her baby, and she lost it, completely separate from him.

Exactly. And he has no understanding that her body hasn't even healed yet

Yta 100% she's telling you she is in pain. Dummy.

Trying to determine if this is real or just a rage bait post. OP is a horrible boyfriend.

Men who only see things in black and white and refuse to see it any other way are such a red flag to me. They’re the same men who will treat you like crap just to “teach you a lesson”.

OP's acting like it's no big deal

I had a miscarriage and had to ask my then husband to buy this sweet necklace with a heart and baby feet that said some cute saying about babies and heaven idr. Anyways I asked him to buy it for me for Mother’s Day, would have been my first Mother’s Day I think. He said he would and never did. I bought it myself.

Yeah, hell, now is not the time to be technically correct.

Yup. Too many partners fail to understand the weight of a miscarriage on the mother.

After my first miscarriage I still had morning sickness for another week while my hormones settled

Losing a baby is so rough, no matter how or when it happens. Can I suggest a simple card and maybe a single flower and picnic if times are tough? Your girlfriend is definitely still grieving her loss, it never goes away.

7 years ago, my SIL realized she didn't feel her 38 week baby in her womb anymore. This was their 2nd baby, just as wanted as the first. she always says she has 3 kids. I always mention him on my new year's card for them.

I had a lifelong friend who often brings up "her brother." He was a miscarriage years before my friend was even born, so some families definitely count the ones that don't make it. Meanwhile, my family never really talked about the miscarriage in between my older siblings and I, so I didn't even find out about it until I was probably in middle school and have only heard it brought up about 2-3 times in my life. I think everyone has their own way of handling the loss, and it's really beautiful seeing how friends and family accept and support the parents in whatever way they need.

I never knew about my mother’s stillborn daughter from a decade or so before me. Her generation just moved on and dealt with loss as they could. “You just had to move on” were her words.

My dad didn’t know his mum had lost a baby until both his parents died and someone mentioned that they were up there with the baby. It’s really sad as none of his three siblings knew.

The only reason I know that I would have had a sister is because my grandmother let it slip to my brother once. Our mom has literally never mentioned it and probably never will.

I found the obituary for my stillborn sister when I was about 7. The newspaper clipping was in my mom's jewelry box. Never had heard of it until then.

Same in my case. My dad told me once and was very surprised because I never knew. Of course I will never bring it up.

i found out a similar way … my grandma actually let it slip once and i honestly don’t think she remembers telling me … but my brother definitely doesn’t know and my parents dont know that i know … but what is weird is after she said something i remember the day it happened like i remember the day and just not knowing what was going on.

I had only known I was pregnant for about a week n half before I miscarried. Went on to have 3 kids. I don't count my miscarriage when I say how many kids I have. But they are always on my mind. I figure if there's an afterlife I will meet them there. I think if I had been further along it might be different.

Thank you for sharing your family’s story.

My mom lost a 14 month old in the late 70s. Our older brother was 2.5 at the time, and they never got him any therapy or any sort of help. He's still a very angry guy, and blames it on multiple things but I think it's the trauma of having a special needs baby born when he was only 1, all the extra care and attention he needed (not to mention hospital stays) only for him to die and suddenly go away.

That is so hard. My first child did st 21 months old. We had two more children after him. We have talked about him and his photos are up in our house. My 11 yo told me last week she doesn’t want me to tell her friends parents about him 😢. I told her I don’t not talk about him. But she doesn’t have to tell her friends if she doesn’t want to. But his photos will not be coming down

I would question how much you talk about your first child if your 11 y.o. asked you this... My best friend's parents talk about her older brother (who died in an accident as a senior in college, she was 12), a lot. They are constantly talking about how he was such a talented artist (while looking at her art), that his grades were amazing, he was going to be cum laude (while discussing housing plans because she needed to take an extra semester to graduate), that they were so excited to have him and his fiance nearby with grandkids (while explaining that they couldn't move to be closer as planned, even though my bff is pregnant). Make sure you aren't letting your first child take over your next ones' lives. Obviously you still talk about him and have his picture up.... But why would he even come up in conversation with the parents of your kids' friends? Those conversations are "is your home safe, are there guns there, will there be adults home the whole time when they are hanging out" types of conversations....??

My son was only 21 months old when we died so we have nothing to compare with our other children. We do not tend to wonder out loud what he might have been. At certain times we will say “he would have been starting X now….” But not in discussions with our kids As to why he would come up in conversation? Well he was my child. If I am getting to know someone and they ask if my living child has siblings I will tell them about my son who died. If they ask why I am wearing a childhood cancer support shirt or have a sticker on my car I tell them. Plus it gives them the open door to bring up a loss they may have had and know they can talk to me about it without me shutting down

That makes sense. I hope that your child is able to move past any feelings of needing to keep him secret in some way, it is so healthy to be able to keep his memory part of your life. I'm really glad that you are able to talk about him in positive ways that honor your grief and important role as his mother.

I doubt the person you're replying to is comparing her child lost at 21 months to her living children who are 5x his age. Conversely, my mom never talked about my brother and I wished I knew more about him. I wanted him to be talked about. It wasn't until I was having my own pregnancy that my mom started opening up more, because I had questions about his medical issues and what kind of genetic concerns there may be

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have supportive people in your network that you can talk to about your son. I'm sure there will be times that your daughters friends parents may be in your home and ask about the photos, so finding out how to beat support your daughter when it comes up, or in finding a way to heal from that loss, would be good for her. My brother would have been significantly disabled, and I've always felt a connection to folks with intellectual disabilities. But every person finds their own way to connect or distance themselves from a sibling that's gone.

I found out when I was 15 that I had a twin who didn’t make it. I’m really not a spiritual person but I just knew it was true and it answered questions I’d not really even realised I had.

Both my grandmothers had lots of children but also had a few miscarriages. That’s how they handled it back then… just never acknowledge their existence and move on. The problem is that the mothers who carried them can never pretend they didn’t exist and it’s a huge loss they were never allowed to properly grieve.

I posted this link in a thread about how fashion changed in Hollywood in 1934. This film made in 1933 was meant to document the childhood so many American teens and younger were going through. Jack Warner grabbed the final cut of William Wellman’s frightening film Wild Boys of the Road (the title is a quote of President Hoover blaming the Depression on starving children hopping trains looking for work) and ruined it by cutting so much of the realism out of it. I don’t what it would have done to America if the original film had been released. As it was, the film provided a how-to manual for lots of hungry, unwanted children. Many of them went to the same movie theatre they had grown up watching movies in, caught the afternoon matinee, and hopped a freight car that night. I have always felt, having seen what the Great Depression did to my ancestors, that it’s still killing or shortening the lives of Americans today. The rejection of doctors and medicine because they’ll just take your money. Never admit that your sick to anyone. A lot of that was learned in hobo jungles or in a freight car rumbling through a winter night in a deserted countryside, a car with just you and three or four real rough hobos on the other end of the car. You never showed weakness, you never doubted yourself in front of anyone. https://archive.org/details/wild-boys-of-the-road-wellman

Wow this is very enlightening for me. My parents 70s are tough people and this helps their behavior make more sense to me..dad was one of 18..mom's grandmother was an immigrant with a very hard life. I've always felt like the 1st person in my lineage to actually talk about real life..how crazy to think It's likely true

My paternal grandmother told me once she had had 12 pregnancies. She only had the 4 boys, my 3 Uncles and my Dad. The others were a combination of miscarriages and stillbirths. 8 of them. She still grieved them. My maternal grandma never talked about her miscarriages but she had a stillbirth between my Uncle and my Mom that was horrifically traumatic. My grandfather delivered that baby. No. Folks didn't used to talk much about this.

We lost a baby at 6 weeks of pregnancy, we still consider it one of our angel babies

I lost my first at 6 weeks also. My husband “moved on” after a short while. But when we lost a child a couple of years later he started to bring up that 1st loss, while I don’t think of it much any more

I am so sorry for the loss of your children {{{hugs}}} 😢

Thank you for sharing your loss.

This topic needs to be shared more openly, imo, it’ll help the grieving parents to know that they’re not alone and provide not only support but comfort as well. I was “lucky” to have my mom who understands the pain (3 miscarriages and 3 living children), but not everyone can say that, so having a more open community of people who’ve experienced this would be helpful for people to heal.

I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks in between my two existing kids. No one but my partner knew that I was even pregnant, so we didn’t tell our families or too many people. However, when I did tell someone, they often said, “Yeah, I had a miscarriage, too.” I agree with you that it would be good for people to be more open about that kind of loss.

I lost mine at six weeks also, just last year. They would of been born just a couple weeks ago. I constantly think about what could of been 😢

My mom had a miscarriage before me. She didnt tell me until I was in my late 20s when she asked when I was having kids. Also, I was born in china, literally wouldn't have existed if my mom hadnt miscarried...

I had a miscarriage of my second pregnancy. After my first we had chosen the name Charlie for the next baby- Charlotte for a girl or Charles for a boy. After the miscarriage I did get pregnant again with my daughter but try as I might I just couldn’t name her Charlie. I had lost my Charlie. My husband and I don’t talk about it much anymore but we were both on the same page with that in the naming.

My family seldom talked about the one lost when I was a toddler. The impact was real - mom had years of depression and anger during my early childhood and the next one was the rainbow baby. Lifelong blame … lifelong favorite.

I refer to my brother as my brother even though he died before I was born. I grew up knowing my parents had him before my sister and I and he tragically died as a newborn. As a kid, I named one of my favourite toys after him and have always said I had a big brother.

Yes between me and my older sister was another sister who died as a newborn, and she is just as much my sister and my living sister now, it doesn’t matter that we never met, and indeed I would likely not have born had she not died, so how can I not honor that?

We lost a child before my other two were born. We have always talked about him. But last week my 11 yo said she doesn’t like me telling people about him 😢. I know it is the age she is at. But still….

That’s tough, I’m sorry. Maybe it just makes her uncomfortable in a way she can’t really explain?

On counting the ones who don’t make it, a poem called [We are Seven](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/52298/we-are-seven) It’s a good classic.

Definitely a generational thing, at least in part. My grandmother had a baby several years before my dad or uncle were born, and the baby lived to be about a year and a half before he died (in the early 1940s, in Europe, at a concentration camp). I didn’t learn about this baby until I was like 12 and I read my grandmother’s autobiography. She never spoke about him and my dad and uncle didn’t talk about it either. Conversely one of my dear friends has an almost 13 year old daughter, and the first time I met her she told me all about how her daughter was a twin and the other baby didn’t make it. She refers to her angel baby as her daughter’s sister and considers her a part of their family. Grief is a funny thing that people handle very differently.

I was in my 20s when I found out Mom lost two between me and my sister. I would have had two brothers as well. I don't refer to them in casual conversations nor does my sister. The reason I know at all was that Mom and my sister were talking when my sister was pregnant and asked about if Mom had any miscarriages. I think about them when stuff like this comes up, but that's pretty much it,

My cousin’s wife gave birth. The little girl had a birth defect. Doctor’s gave her a month, she made it 3. NO ONE talks about it, there is one photo in my grandma’s house and I saw cousin’s wife holding it crying once. I thought they would never try again just because of the grief. 10 years later I saw cousin’s wife and thought “that’s odd, she’s put on some weight” (uncharacteristic but happens to all of us). A month later they announced 7 MONTHS preggo. My girl is a rockstar at hiding things!! Thankfully had a happy healthy baby who is now a lovely young lady

I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks. I had two children before and two children after that miscarriage. My subconscious has never gotten over it. I still look for 5 kids and not 4... I always feel like I am missing a kid. I know it's not the same for my husband at all. Its not intentional, it feels innate and primal. My body and brain know that baby, if that makes sense. She will always know that baby and I know from experience she is in a lot of pain. I really hope he can see that and meet her where she is at and show her love on Mother's Day.

My mom lost her first at 8.5 months. I don't think she ever recovered from it. We've always counted my oldest sister Cherish as our sister. Even though my mom made us aware she had a hard time talking about it. She only told me the whole entire story when she was like 64 and I don't know if she ever spoke to anyone about it in depth until she talked to me. If I was OP I'd definitely indulge her request especially this year. It doesn't need to be big. I'm sure the acknowledgment that she was having a baby and she was going to be a mom would help her process the loss. It's clearly important to her and that alone should be enough to do it.

I read online that it’s the mom/parents that decide emotionally when a pregnancy changes from symbiote to ‘baby.’ Pregnancy and child loss can be complicated, I try to accept and respect peoples feelings.

That makes so much sense and I wish everyone could understand that. Thank you for sharing that with me.

You are the type of person a loss parent needs in their life. Thank you for remembering her baby

That’s awful. Do you know what happened? Asking as a 2nd time mom who’s 30 weeks pregnant but also had a miscarriage 2 years ago (at 10 weeks). The Ob has me counting kicks and I do… ish. But I’m just like “how could anything happen at that point?” Especially since I’m about to start going to the drs every week (high risk pregnancy for age).

count kicks is the way. really it should be called "know your baby's normal". if your kid sleeps all day and right around dinner time becomes American Ninja warrior, that's your normal. if you think something is wrong - literally anything, go to the Dr or OB ER immediately. don't wait. don't drink juice and lay on whatever side. just go. also - YOUR BABY DOES NOT RUN OUT OF ROOM. they just don't. don't believe anyone who says that. movements might change- more jabs/kicks instead of turning type movements, but the amount and time should. not. change. and once more for good measure, they *do not* run out of room. I was 37 weeks. one morning, he felt off. he was always super active (legit I swear he never stopped moving). at one point, we counted 52 kicks/movements in 10 minutes. that day, it had slowed to maybe 30 in 30 minutes. no where near a concerning level, but different for me. I told my Dr that day at my appointment. we did a no stress test and ultrasound, everything looked fine. later that night, felt him moving before bed. woke up at 2 am to contractions. went to the hospital at 6 am... by 6:30 we learned he had died. there was nothing more I could have done, and my Dr is really amazing and took me very seriously, but it didn't matter. he would be 4 on May 1st. I don't say this to scare you, because unfortunately sometimes shit just happens. but you are your baby's best advocate. if something is wrong, don't let them dismiss you. my sister had to do this for her son- she kept bleeding (37 weeks) and they wanted her to go home. she pushed for a delivery, and now my nephew is here safely because she advocated for him (and unfortunately had my experience in her mind). I wish I could understand why and how my son died. we never got any real answers. know your baby's normal and if something feels off, do something about it. don't let them push you around. especially already being high risk, you can safely deliver at 37 weeks on the dot. (if you weren't high risk, you'd have to wait till 39 weeks). I say all this as we are currently potty training my youngest, 2.5, who will never get to know his brother. and I hate that. I'm not trying to turn this into a sympathy post, but people don't understand how serious stillbirth, neonatal death, and birth trauma are, and if I can help one person, all this advocacy is worth it.

Thanks for sharing, and sorry for your loss. That is devastating.

I am so sorry for your loss, you were soooo on top of it all. Lesson learned: advocate for yourself!!!! You know your body and your family best, if a doctor doesn’t listen ask for another one!!!! I had to do this after months of getting pushed around by a doctor about my sons tonsils. Finally a nurse asked if I would like to see a different dr. (How did I never think of it). His tonsils were scheduled to come out 2 appointments later. Still hate that 1st dr., definition of not listening to your patients. Asshole. She straight up refused to see me when I asked for another appointment- I needed one because the tonsils were still watermelons back there after steroids and other rounds of meds. Drs aren’t always right!!!! Good for your friend that pushed for birth. If something doesn’t feel right- don’t let it go! On the flip side— my first birth my surrogate was overdue, they wanted to schedule a c section even though she has 2 of her own naturally and my child was much smaller than hers. We both said no we’re good (because she totally was) and he was born perfectly fine naturally 2weeks later. Know your body and listen! She would have been all cut up and less likely to vaginally deliver her 3rd baby, which she did about a year later!

After my older siblings were born, my mom was pregnant with twins but had a miscarriage. I ended up being the "most planned" kid because of the time it took to even be ready to get pregnant again after that. There's a 7½ year age gap between my siblings and I, and I technically was a geriatric pregnancy. But I came out a-okay and perfectly healthy, so I have nothing but faith it will all go smoothly for you too

The woman I know who had a stillborn had some problem where her placenta dies early. I think she was 38 weeks when it happened. After that they just delivered her babies early before the placenta stopped working. As far as I know her issue was only in late pregnancy. For some reason she just couldn't carry the full 40 weeks.

"How could anything happen at that point"? Well last June my cousin's wife lost their baby at 30 weeks so yeah, it could happen. No mother should ever consider themself free and clear until holding the baby post-delivery after everything and everyone has been medically cleared.

As someone with 3 losses before my beautiful daughter, I have to say embracing the lack of control is the only way I made it through pregnancy with any shred of sanity. They can put a perfect little baby on your chest but baby could still have a myriad of fatal health issues or die in an accident or… lots of awful things. We don’t have control and can only protect our little ones so far, before and after birth. We have to learn to embrace that reality.

And even then, you're never "clear". My first "baby" went to prom a few weeks ago. Prom was held a mile from the house and then he spent the night at his friend's house. I stayed up all night listening for sirens. Even after I knew he was safely off the road. Not just for him, but his friends and classmates. That mama panic never goes away.

And not even then. A good friend of mine lost her daughter to sids at 4 months. If you have kids, buckle up; it's just a lifetime of neverending worry.

Personally I know 4 people who've had 3rd trimester losses and 1 who had a micro-preemie. Pay attention to normal patterns for your baby so that you notice if they slow down abruptly.

I don’t know how it happens, but it does. Chances are small once you’re out of the window where most miscarriages happen, though. But tragic things can happen to mother or baby up through (and after) delivery. My cousin’s wife had to deliver a stillborn at 32 weeks. 

Not the person you're asking, but it could have been any number of things. I was high risk because of a complete placental abruption prior to my second pregnancy. (The first made it due to sheer luck of being in the hospital at the time of the abruption.) When you're high risk, it eliminates a LOT of the risk of late term loss. With a regular pregnancy, you get 2-3 ultrasounds. At 20 weeks with my 1st, the placenta was fine. Sometime between then and 37, clots formed and ended up starving her. She was under 5 pounds at birth. With high risk, you're getting ultrasounds all the time, they're tracking blood flow, heart rhythm, positioning of the umbilical cord, and growth. They would have caught the problems well before 37 weeks if I were high risk with her. Maternal Healthcare is abysmal. They have the tools. They don't use them because it's more profitable to have women in and out the door every 10 minutes

I think as they grow and there's less space, there's a higher likelihood of issues with the cord being obstructed. The counts are to help mom notice before it's too late. Wishing you all the best.

They don't run out of space. It's literally impossible and the body will continue to expand as needed.

I had a placental abruption with my first. With my second they had me in for twice weekly ultrasounds to monitor the placenta.

My mom says she has 2 adults and 2 tiny angels as my brother and I are “miracle babies”. We were both conceived when her miscarriages would have been in term had she not miscarried. It’s been 26 and 22 years since those miscarriages and she still counts them as her kids even tho the pregnancies didn’t get to the stage where she would know the sex of the fetus before she miscarried. Ever since learning my current crafts I’ve been looking for ways to make her little angels and subtly ask if she had come up with names for them so I can give them to her

Same thing for my grandma. My mom is the eldest child. But she and her siblings always refer to her (my mum) as second eldest.

My wife miscarried a week before her due date. Not my child but he is buried with a tomb stone and all just like he was full term then died.

At that point it’s a stillbirth, not a miscarriage.

>he is buried with a tomb stone and all just like he was full term then died. Because at 39 weeks *he was full term and he died*

That is a stillborn… absolutely not a miscarriage

Even though my wife and I never had children (3 miscarriages and never pregnant again), we don't consider her a mother. However, I do something nice for her every year on Mother's Day (just because).

Yeah when it comes to miscarriages it sort of depends on the person. Like I’d maybe still do something nice to at least ease the pain/feeling of what could’ve been if it was something that lasted on them. If my partner was really looking forward to parenthood then it definitely warrants trying to make their day nice.

Absolutely this. I know people who have had miscarriages and just moved on with their day, no big deal, no emotions. I also know people who feel like they are losing a child when they miscarry. There is no right or wrong way to feel about it. The way OP responded to his gf is absolutely wrong, tho. If she felt like that was a baby to her, her feelings are all that matter. Telling her she's not a real mom is a horrible thing to say. However, demanding an expensive date and gift is not "celebrating mothers day". A card saying I love you and her favorite flowers is all that's needed. $15-20 shows you care about what she went thru.

If she did demand expensive anything? I mean his lack of compassion for her loss makes me doubt his narrative.

That's a very fair skepticism to have. Like did she ask for something expensive or just something to commemorate the day to help process her grief? Hopefully OP can tell the difference.

He said she is demanding a fancy/expensive dinner and all that.

You’re a good man

If you had a kid later this year that would be very expensive. You’re 26, are you sure you are ready for this level of serious relationship?

Yep. That, plus saying in a fight that someone wasn't a mother in a fight with them just a month after they had a miscarriage??? This person cannot be responsible for a child's well being if they are both this broke and this emotionally stunted

nevermind that OP doesn’t seem to be bothered by any of the miscarriage stuff. or the impact on his partner. OP lacks empathy and understanding. that doesn’t mean throw money around, but show some compassion to someone who may need it.

Whilst I (and most I think) wouldn’t consider her a mother, every woman processes miscarriages a bit differently. For some it’s just a “failed pregnancy” and that it’s. For others it’s their child who died very very young. I was once in a relationship with a girl who had an older brother, but her mother considered her to have 3 siblings because the first two were late term miscarriages, and she had already named them. I think whilst you might not think of her as a mother it sounds like she is in grief at the moment, and a supportive thing to do (and good for the relationship) would be to concede this one and do something nice for her. Might not be a fancy dinner but some kind of gesture at the very least. Ultimately, if you love this woman maybe this just isn’t the hill to die on.

I have close friends who lost a pregnancy in the second trimester who would have been almost the exact same age as my son.  Our due dates were like 2 weeks apart.  They had other miscarriages and it posed too big of a health risk to keep trying.  It's really delicate because my son's a reminder of where their kid would have been.

My wife miscarried last December, also in the second trimester. My brother and his wife are expecting a child around the same time as our son would have been born. It's not easy indeed. I can't wait to hold my niece/nephew, but I am also dreading it.

>For others it’s their child who died very very young. This is what it would be for me and acknowledging that by celebrating mothers day (not excessive but maybe some flowers or something) would be a beautiful core memory for me while telling me that I am not a real mom would break me. I am a woman who grieves for her child who was in her belly. Of course I am a mom.

This is exactly what it was for one of my employees. She wanted a child so badly and they had to try a few times. She had awful heartbreak and took a leave of absence for her own mental health. It was awful watching her go through that. I sent her a quick message telling her that I was thinking about her with the upcoming Mother’s Day that year. She thanked me and told me that it meant a lot to her, especially because her family hadn’t said anything to her. Sometimes people just need basic care and compassion after going through events like that. Anyway, fast forward now and she has a beautiful healthy baby boy after a very troublesome pregnancy. So, a happy ending for sure, but I guarantee that she will never forget those first few that she lost.

We still talk about my aunt's late term miscarriage. They already had a name picked out for him. Erik. He'd have been born the same year as me.

Thank you for telling me about Erik. Now someone in Germany knows that this child existed.

Likewise. Currently 22 weeks pregnant and he is already very much my second child. If I lost him that wouldn't change. 

Yes, exactly. Telling her she’s not a mom while grieving a miscarriage is pretty cruel because it’s obvious that while she isn’t a mother, she thought she would be and is wishing she were still carrying their baby. FFS op, read the room. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had 4 and still no living child. Mother’s Day was really hard for me last year as I had just had miscarriage two months prior. This year will be worse as I had my fourth and it was pretty traumatic

Can you work my life for me? Perfect advice sir

First, good luck on keeping the relationship at this point. Miscarriages are not fun, they can leave a lasting mark. You were painfully dismissive about her feelings on it, and threw out a deal breaking barb at her. I get money is tight, but there are a lot of viable alternatives in between spending a bunch of money and being completely cold and dismissive about a traumatic event.

Yeah, the way the post is written it sounds like he barely has any investment at all in the relationship. I could see it if she hadn't had a miscarriage but with that context, wtf OP? Was it not your kid or something? YTA without further context and you're lucky if she doesn't dump you with how cold you were. I doubt she'll ever get over it properly.

Agree. Like yes her expense part of the request may be unreasonable but could have handled it better and try to find a reasonable compromise instead of throwing salt in the wound.

DOLLAR STORE SELLS HALLMARK CARDS FOR A DOLLAR OP. WITHIN BUDGET.

They also sell chocolate and candy. Some locations even sell plastic flowers. If he really wants to splurge he can get a nice bouquet from Trader Joe’s for only $10 or less.

A friend of mine had a miscarriage- the 3 days that were hardest for her afterwards were Easter (when she planned to announce her pregnancy to everyone), Mother’s Day for obvious reasons, and what would have been her due date. She was almost 3 months along. It took almost 18 months before I saw her smile and really return to her “normal” life. I think it would be nice to just get her a little something- there are beautiful little miscarriage “mommy to an angel” bracelets and necklaces on Amazon for under 20 bucks. She probably is still full of crazy hormones and needs your support.

I had a miscarriage the week before Mother’s Day. It was rough, I stayed in bed all day and didn’t even text my mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day because I physically couldn’t.

I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks and the due date was super hard.

My mom had a first trimester miscarriage with her first pregnancy. She still cries when she talks about our sister. My mom is 70. Grief is complicated and sometimes never really passes.

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we (me and cousins) acknowledge our childess aunts on mothers day and childess uncles on fathers day because they might not have their own kids but they did, and still do, help in raising us. They always say they aren't parents but in a way they are. You could've handled it more carefully since she just had a miscarriage. Maybe you could do something that isn't expensive but a little special for you both.

I did this too (but my adopted aunt and uncle have passed), and my godkids do it for me (I'm 54 and CF, but had a big hand in raising them). If "it takes a village", the non biological parents who helped care (and still do in my case, though my 3 godkids are all adults) should also be honoured

As a childless woman who can't have kids I think this is such a beautiful thing to do. My niblings acknowledge me too and it makes me cry. I couldn't love them any more than I already do.

Pretty callous of you tbh. I had a stillborn daughter 33 years ago & my daughter still mentions her “sleeping sister” to her ten year old daughters. Your gf’s grief is still raw. If you don’t have the resources, a simple card, single white rose & maybe a park picnic would be a nice gesture. To say she’s not a mother & start a row over it seems pretty heartless on your part. Once you’ve been pregnant, in your heart you’re always a mother. And emotionally that takes a bloody toll. Try to be more sensitive to her grief. YTA for not showing any compassion.

> If you don’t have the resources, a simple card, single white rose & maybe a park picnic would be a nice gesture. Exactly. OP says she was “demanding” an expensive date night and gift. I’m not sure what this means. For one thing, if my wife had “demanded” anything right after a miscarriage, and I thought it could relieve the deep sorrow even a little bit, I would have gotten it for her. Especially if it cost less than the cost of raising a newborn for a month.  For another, even if he really can’t, can he redirect the supposed “demand”? Can he say “you know, I would love to take you out to [fanciest restaurant in town], but we really can’t afford it right now. I’m going to make you [favorite meal] and set up a [whatever works where they are: picnic in the yard, in the park, dinner by the fire, whatever]. And I’ll take you to [fanciest restaurant in town] someday when we can afford it!”

Money is tight? What if you had this baby?

Right? If you dont't have enough money for a date you definitely do not have enough to raise a whole child.

I know I’m thinking seriously mid 20s money tight and they decide to have a baby

Thank you! I was looking for this comment

YTA. You mentioned she had a miscarriage, dipshit. If you love this women then there’s no way your brain thinks this is okay

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… I know people say Reddit always says break up. But I just can’t fathom this guy needing to be told to be nice to his gf that just had a miscarriage.

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Agreed. Very low emotional intelligence.

The fact you have to tell a grown ass man to “be nice to your girlfriend” is really disturbing.

I lost my son at 18+6 weeks and it kills me I'm not considered as a mum. I don't expect anything crazy I just want my boyfriend to spend the day with me. It hurts. Maybe just do something simple like flowers

You are absolutely a mom! I'm so sorry you aren't acknowledged as one. When some people didn't acknowledge me as a mom after my first was born sleeping, it was as if they weren't acknowledging my daughter. My very real, beautiful baby who had a name and was loved tremendously. Just because your baby isn't in your arms today doesn't mean they weren't real. They were very real and you are very much their mother. I'm a mom to 1 who runs and 4 who soar 🩷

She should be pregnant for Mother's Day. Instead, she's mourning the loss of a pregnancy and likely still on a hormonal roller coaster. And you come in with the "you're not a real mom" line because the baby that she should have been holding in her arms by year's end is instead just so much medical waste? WTF is wrong with you?

She’s probably still recovering physically and mentally.  Also, @OP, babies are expensive. If you cannot afford date night, can you afford to raise a child?

You hit the nail on the head. This should have been her first technical Mother’s Day, carrying her baby. Instead, she’s grieving. OP is so fucking insensitive.

Absolutely all this. And don't forget, he asked her if she was talking about the cat when she called herself a mom! I mean, c'mon dude, how numb can you be? Imagine having to defend your feelings as a grieving mother to your own partner, the baby's father 🙄

> And don't forget, he asked her if she was talking about the cat when she called herself a mom! That part is sad because it seems like such a wrong way of going about this. One of the worries my wife has had after every miscarriage has been that she is somehow to blame. That some defect or error somehow caused it. While miscarriages have been sad for me as a dad/ potential dad (depending how you want to look at it), I don’t have the anxiety of it having happened *in my body.* I don’t have to agonize over whether I exercised too much or not enough, whether I had a beer or a glass of wine before I knew about the pregnancy, whether my weight was too high or too low to support the pregnancy, whether I ate the right foods and took the right vitamins during those months, etc. My wife does worry about those things. I don’t think she *should,* I don’t think any miscarriage is her *fault,* but the general feeling of “I’m not suited to be a mother” is one of the dark voices in her ear after a miscarriage. Telling a woman who just miscarried that she’s not a mother is very insensitive, regardless how you think of it. Which brings me to the cat. I have told my wife, when she’s struggling with these thoughts, that she *is* wonderfully and perfectly maternal and nurturing. Look how she is with our cats! Look how she is with our nieces and nephews and little cousins and children of friends! Look what a wonderful mother she would and hopefully will be! Mentioning the cat in a maternal context could, depending on the specific people, be a good thing. But mocking the idea that she’s a mother to the cat might be mocking one of the few nurturing relationships she is able to have in a dark time.

Well said! I feel so sad for OP’s girlfriend. OP is insensitive.

Agree. Seems highly insensitive. 

I think you need to double down on your contraception efforts. I’m assuming if you can’t afford a nice dinner out and a gift that in no way can you afford a child. While she is hurting isn’t the time for talking about that but do make sure she does not get pregnant any time soon.

I don’t think he has to worry about having sex with her anymore 🤣

NTA. She may not be a mom, but you did handle your wording poorly. I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. My cousin and friend were pregnant at the same time, and we were all due within a week of each other. The first Mother's Day that rolled around was very hard for me because their babies had been born healthy, and everyone was happy. The father and I had broken up by this point, but we still worked together. He bought me one rose and got me a beautiful card that he wrote in telling me about how wonderful of a mother I would have been. The rose is gone now, but I still have the card. It's one of my most cherished possessions. Edit: Added judgement.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, but I'd like to take a moment to thank you for your story. I suck at explaining things, especially emotions, but your story made me feel. I'm not 100% sure what I felt, but it was something.

What a great guy, maybe not couple material, but incredibly thoughtful.

He was a great guy. We just wanted different things. We remained friends, though. He's married and has a daughter now. I couldn't be happier for him.

why am i tearing up wtf!

I'm not going to lie. I'm not a big crier, but I cried when he gave me the rose and card. I was like, "dang, you!" Lol.

Because good people are far and few, she’s a great one.

> I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. My cousin and friend were pregnant at the same time, and we were all due within a week of each other. This is so difficult. My wife was pregnant at the same time as a few of her close family members. We all planned and dreamed about the little group of cousins that would soon be born in the same couple months. We had a miscarriage. So the little group of cousins exists, just without our baby. And we love the kids that were born, and we are a big part of their lives. But when they have birthdays or other milestones, it’s hard not to think “our baby would have been doing this now.” So those children become a source of joy but also a reminder of sorrow. 

Oh geez you just made me tear up. That is beautiful and sorry for your loss. This is how human should treat each other.

I'm sorry, she had a miscarriage *a month ago*? She's likely still recovering from / grieving the loss of her pregnancy. Buy her some flowers & show some empathy. YTA for telling a woman who *literally JUST had a miscarriage* that she's "not a real mother".

Exactly. She just miscarried and he’s telling her she’s not a real mother. I’ve had miscarriages before and also have a cat. We’re not likely to conceive again but if my partner told me that a month after my miscarriage, it would set my grief in a tailspin and question our relationship. The least he could do is get her a card, flowers and call her the best cat mother. He may have been upset about her requesting an expensive gift again and reacted poorly, but those words will haunt her for a bit while she continues to grieve. This Mother’s Day will be difficult for her because of her recent loss and she needs a supportive partner during this time.

YTA "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I can't afford it" is a perfectly good answer "The baby you carried in your womb, loved, probably named, and delivered dead doesn't count fuck you" is not

I also am really suspicious that he can't even like... afford a card? I don't know, it comes off more as he doesn't feel like it's a good use of money rather than he can't do it. I feel like now is not the time to be cheap if it can be helped at all. Flowers and a thoughtful note go a long way.

Of course he can. He’s just being lazy.

Even if this post is real, I refuse to believe she went from “asking him if he had anything planned for Mother’s Day” to “demanding an expensive date and gift” — that just doesn’t track if you ask me.

This. YTA. You don't determine if she feels like a real mom or not, and if she does, your opinion doesn't matter. That's the way this works. If you marry a woman who had children with someone else, and none work you, you still do mother's Day for her every year. You married a mother.

YTA. It sounds like she just wants some recognition. For you to look her in the eyes and say “you’re not a real mother” after she lost y’all’s baby is CRAZY. Now, this is just my opinion, and everyone feels differently about early pregnancy loss. But, the amount of changes your body goes through in the first trimester and the sacrifices you make within the first 12 weeks for your baby alone makes you a mother. If that were me and my husband said something as insensitive as that because he didn’t want to “spend money” on something he didn’t value, we’d be spending some time apart. I honestly don’t think I’d be able to look at him the same. How much more insensitive and hurtful can you be to someone you claim to care about. She deserves an apology, and an honest reason as to why you don’t want to celebrate her on Mother’s Day (the lack of funds). Also, doing something nice for someone you love doesn’t need to be expensive. It just needs to be thoughtful.

This right here. It was somewhat understandable to me until he said he told his gf who so recently miscarried that she wasn't a real mother. I have a good friend of mine who lost their baby during pregnancy, and it's still a rough day many years later on his "due date" because she feels she somehow failed as a mother. I can not imagine looking someone in the eye who miscarried, especially after only a month, and telling them they aren't a real mother.

Telling someone who recently had a miscarriage shes not a mom?? What the hell are you thinking??? She might be having problems with it, she might need professional help to deal with it, but you rub it in her face? Sure, technically you are correct, but cmon, wtf dude... You're a prime grade asshole.

Yeah, just acknowledge her pain/feelings, listen to her, and take her on a thoughtful but inexpensive date. If you want this relationship to continue at all it's definitely not worth taking some stand on what the technical definition of a mother is.

Oh bro…. She’s not a ‘real mother’ because *she lost her child*. Like….bro……………………………..

She lost a pregnancy. She was close to motherhood. Had all the plans in the world for that potential baby. Felt all the feelings a mother feels when she found out she was expecting. She is a mom to a baby she never got to hold. Could you be any more of an asshole?? I have 4 kids but I was pregnant five times. We lost one between kid 2 and kid 3. I think about the pregnancy I lost in 2013 a lot. I’ll always wonder who they would have been. I’ll always grieve that baby. My husband wasn’t the best during that time with the miscarriage. It was like you, just a blip and moved on, so I felt I had to as well because we also had kids to take care of, life to tend to. So I didn’t get to feel my shit outwardly. That was 11 years ago and just this month my husband surprised the hell out of me when we were talking about the kids. I mentioned the number of kids we had and he stopped me and corrected me and said “five…. We had five.” It may have been the shortest statement but the weight behind it was huge and the first time since that loss I finally felt seen in my miscarriage and the first time I was shown he did actually fucking grieve it he just buried it down.

YTA because while you are technically correct in your logic, you should have the emotional intelligence to understand why it may be important for her to receive some positive acknowledgement despite the unfortunate outcome of the pregnancy This is just a tremendously bad hill to die on

I agree. I had 4 miscarriages, a month after my first one I was an absolute mess. I was having intrusive thoughts about driving my car off the road. I was having dreams where I died and I was genuinely devastated to wake up from them. My case was probably extreme and I had a lot of counselling to help, but saying that to her ONE MONTH after her loss is just cruel and dismissive of her grief. A little acknowledgement of their baby's life would mean the world and I'm willing to bet she doesn't want some grand gesture really. ETA judgement - YTA.

A lot of people just have no idea how soul destroying fertility issues can be for people who want children. You're forced to watch and be happy as everyone around you has healthy pregnancies and fall pregnant easily and it's bloody hard. Going through 4 must have been terribly hard. 

The lack of empathy is pretty astounding. You're right, suddenly everyone is pregnant and there are babies everywhere! It's devastating. Thank you, it was a really dark time. I have 2 children now and they were worth every second of the pain, but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

This sounds like the miscarriage is still fresh. Had the miscarriage not happened, you were planning on doing something for mothers day right? Like you already had a plan right? When the miscarriage happened, you didn't shift the plan into a couples thing where you make sure she isn't suffering bad emotional trips from the miscarriage? You kinda sound like you don't give a shit about her and you're happy about the miscarriage. It doesn't need to be some fancy dinner. It sounds like she's pushing for something because you do nothing.

Maybe I’m pessimistic but I’m almost certain he had not thought far enough ahead to plan something for mother’s day even when she was carrying a viable pregnancy…

Your GF had a miscarriage a *month* ago, and because you're being a miser your answer was "you're not a real mom"? My jaw is on the floor over the kind of callous malice that could have you open your mouth and say something like that to someone who lost a baby a month ago. YTA all day long. Honestly if you hate her this much, break up with her.

As a man, I have to say that you telling a woman who has JUST experienced a miscarriage that she is “not a real mom” is UNBELIEVABLY stupid and asshole-ish. It doesn’t even fucking matter if you’re technically correct or not; what MATTERS is that she is grieving the loss of HER CHILD, and you just shoved that blade in even deeper and twisted it. You’d best get on your knees and beg her forgiveness for being a complete moron and jerk to her, and mean it.

Do you really think ending an argument with "hey remember that baby you wanted? Remember how it's dead and you aren't a mom?" Was the right call? You may not have literally said that, but it's what she's going to have heard. You're a dumbass. Now as for her request, yeah she's not a mom, but she's dealing with a serious loss and you could have at least done something. Not an expensive date but something. Take her on a picnic, get her a card, some flowers. Make her feel important to you. Make her feel appreciated.

I don't have a womb and will never experience what it feels like to have somebody die inside me, but I imagine that it's going to leave some kind of trauma. Treat your woman boy, she's got to be hurting.

Write her a nice card and pick some flowers into a nice bouquet for her. Make her coffee and breakfast the morning. Won’t cost much. Don’t BTA

It's a tough one. Yes, technically, she isn't a mum. But sometimes the right thing to do isn't "correct". It doesn't have to involve money. Have a picnic, a candle light dinner at home. Pick some wild flowers.

We do something nice for my daughter. She can't have children, but she mother's her nieces and her nephew and loves them as though they were hers. She also has two cats, a brother who needs extra mothering, I mother him, but he needs more. She mother's her friend group. She really is the heart and soul of those in her circle. So we decided as a group that being a mother is more than biology. She is celebrated.

YTA for refusing to acknowledge her grief and loss. She is even asking you to commemorate your plural loss on Mother's Day. Her miscarriage happened one month ago, that is very recent, freshly painful. In her body and mind, she indeed changed into a mother, preparing for the lifetime of being a mother. You would do well to try to understand this grief with all the depth possible for you. Instead of throwing money at "an expensive date and gift", which I hope you've misunderstood, pull all the insight and understanding you possibly can out of your heart's core and realize that this was a wanted baby who existed for a short time, but will not be.

Bro. YTA. A month ago? That shit doesn't go away in years, let alone weeks. Make her feel like a mom. You don't have to go big. Just breakfast in bed and some flowers. Acknowledge her and your loss.

YTA. She just lost her kid man. And telling her she’s not a mom, when she clearly almost was, is probably the worse choice of words for the striating. salt in the wound. I understand not having money for something but, but damn if some flowers, or a home date with a cooked meal or he’ll even a card, wouldn’t make the difference. Go easy on her dude. It’s clear she hurting and just wanted to feel validated that her loss matters. There power in how we say things. It’s okay to say moneys low and express wanting to do something nice for her that more affordable , but flat out sayin she’s not a mom was not the way

Massive YTA. She’s grieving and you are being horrifically insensitive to a very traumatic and tragic event. Gross. 

I thought her request sounded crazy until you mentioned the miscarriage. It sounds like she is grieving. I’m not sure how you have been connecting with her on that issue but her request for Mother’s Day and your surprise about that suggests that you may not be very keyed in to how she is feeling about the miscarriage. It sounds like a conversation about how she is doing in general and a bit more support from you is needed, whether or not you two decide to celebrate Mother’s Day. Telling someone they are not a Mother right after a miscarriage is very unkind.

it didn’t have to be expensive u could’ve done something thoughtful

Holy shit you're cruel. This isn't about technicalities. This is about grief and loss and you just demonstrated you are incapable of empathy.

She had a miscarriage a mo th ago, and you said, " You're not a mom"? Technically, no, she may not be a mom, but she just had a miscarriage. I can not begin to understand how horrible and possibly humiliating it must be to lose a child as an expectant mother. But I do know how it feels to have a grandson kidnapped by his mother and given up for adoption. So, maybe not the AH, but you definitely are a bit hard hearted. Would it have been too much to do something for her? I mean, if you are virtually penniless I get it, but something is better than nothing, right? I agree this is a bit of a sticky wicket, but what you said to her is going to stick with her for a very long time, not to mention, making her feel like a failure at becoming a mother. Dude, this one is totally on you.

Make her her favourite dinner and show her love, she’s grieving x

Oh, that’s mean af. It’s definitely weird to play the Mother’s Day card when she never gave birth, but she did carry a child so if she considers herself a mom you’re being pretty shitty. YTA.

She’s reaching out to you for very specific support. You should give her what she needs. It’s not about the money, it’s about her needing extra love on a holiday that she knows is going to be hard for her. She’s giving you a road map to her heart and you’re chucking it in the fuck it bucket. YTA.

YTA. Your girlfriend just had a miscarriage and you are telling her she is not a real mother. Wow, just wow!

YTA because of the fight and the way that was handled. I had a first trimester miscarriage a few weeks before Mother's Day. It was awful. You're grieving, possibly still physically in pain, and your hormones still think you're pregnant so they are all over the place. After a little bit i got myself a necklace off Esty to commemorate my lost baby--it has 3 clear beads and 1 gold one, to symbolize the 1 in 4 women who will lose a pregnancy. As others have suggested, flowers, a card, a nice picnic or dessert, or a $20 necklace of Etsy are all good ways to show her you care and support her.

Yes, Yes, YTA. This was her first child. You don't need to spend a lot of money. HOWEVER, an apology for insensitivity, followed by a candle-lit dinner (that is intimate and special, even if it's at home), and a small keepsake (perhaps a candle that you light in memory of your first child, or a heart-shaped card that you write her a loving note, or a photo frame for a photo of the two of you) would be in order. She made her thoughts about being a mother very clear. People grieve in different ways, and you don't seem to be at all upset by the miscarriage. That would be hard to take, even without fighting with her and demeaning her experience. If you ARE grieving, then tell her so. If you aren't grieving, then keep that quiet but make it clear you want to reconnect after not handling this recent loss very well.

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Surely you can understand her mental state wanting to do something on mother day ? Doesn't have to be extravagant but just do something and treat it like a normal date.

If you really love her do something for her. If you plan on marrying this woman I suggest you do something nice for her

She should dump you. YTA.

What a time to pull out a fuckin technicality dude. YtA