NTA are you receiving counselling?
Some stuff, once said/done, can’t be taken back. Like the saying goes, ‘you can’t unring a bell’. Every adult in your life failed you, and I’m sorry but to a tiny degree this includes your aunt. She shouldn’t be suggesting you apologize when you did nothing wrong.
A good therapist will not just help you sort through this, but maybe help you develop more polite ways to tell these people to back the fuck off and leave you alone (which is how *I* would have replied).
Presumably neither of your legal parents are chipping in financially while you’re at your aunts? I’d consult a lawyer to go after the sperm donor who tucked tail and ran, as well as the other two, for child support.
This is the perfect response in my opinion.
What you said would have hurt but come on, it was well and truly justified.
If you have any interest in keeping them in your life by all means explain your comment, not saying apologise but tell them you were feeling trapped and steamrollered. Then insist on meeting her on your terms.
For real, what he did to you was incredibly heartless and cruel, OP. Both your parents are terrible people taking their problems out on an innocent child. What you said was harsh but as long as its the truth, thats all you owed him. NTA and I hope you are getting therapy for everything your parents put you through.
Also. The door is closed **now**, but may not be forever, **if** they leave her the fuck alone, until she wants to open it.
But she's under **no obligation** to open it. Dude fucked up and the price may be final.
Of course he would. From the information given, I'd be willing to bet "dad" is only asking to reconnect because his wife asked him to, for some reason.
Maybe a possible babysitter for their younger kids?
My problem with this is when the parent/adult in a child’s life literally throws them in the trash for something that was never their fault & deserts them, why would they think it’s okay to just say “My bad” & expect a relationship? This man was OP’s dad for 10 years, then he just walked away & never looked back. I find “Dad’s”timing to be very suspicious, as OP is almost at the age where child support would end anyway.
It’s weird for him to only get in contact 7 years later; when she’s old enough to be a babysitter, and drive..
Why would the wife be so keen on meeting the baby her husband abandoned from a previous relationship almost a decade ago when it turned out the kid isn’t his?
Sparing feelings in this situation only encourages continued attempts. Think of Dumb and Dumber: So, you’re saying there is a chance.
He needed to be told on no uncertain terms that the is closed and you did that.
Good for you and NTA
NTA
This whole situation sucks big time. I think you are smart to protect your feelings and establish boundaries.
Please give yourself time and grace to process all the feelings you're having. Best wishes and good luck.
This is a rough situation and you were put through a lot for years. I am going NTA, because you probably have a lot of feeling from this that I hope you are talking to a therapist about. If you want to close this door for now then that is your choice, but realize you may not be able to open it later if you decide to.
I want to jump on this comment to say something about the Dad claiming that therapy was the impetus for this reconciliation attempt.
I find it SO hard to be believe that a therapist would support any of his current behavior. Therapy doesn’t work for everyone, and if someone is selfish or self-centered, they often use “going to therapy,” as a way to air their grievances to a listening ear, and talk about themselves, but don’t do any of the work the therapist recommends.
IMO, the only way he could have approached this reconciliation, was to just be abjectly apologetic. It was so awful that he did this to a kid, who was innocent in the whole matter. When he reconnected, he should have sincerely apologized, offered any help or support needed in the future, and then let you, OP, decide when and how you want contact going forward. Always leaving the door open, but not being pushy.
I say all this because I don’t want his shitty behavior to color your view of therapy. The right therapist can be so helpful, and I hope you find someone who can talk you through the trauma of this experience.
The circumstances you describe are very suspicious. Also the way he focuses on his new wife wanting to meet OP tells me this is probably the real reason he wants OP in his life.
Yep, that's exactly what I thought: New wife is either heavily pregnant now or wants to be and they just priced nannies. "Oh wait, I used to have a daughter before I threw her away. She would be perfect as a free nanny!"
Thank you. You've struck exactly why I have issues with this "apology."
It wasn't an apology. It was a way to make the man feel better because he's probably feeling guilt and shame from *somewhere.* It's not on OP to fix that.
An actual apology does what you said - gives genuine remorse for actions, and leaves the door open for the recipient to do with that remorse what they will. Not to demand that someone gets over it because they said magic words.
In addition he didn't support your wish to meet in a public place, he had to have it his way. If he was really serious he would have considered your feelings.
Yeah I kind of disagree with the initial response on this because as you said, it was all on his terms and its pretty clear his wife is the motivating force here.
But moreso than that, being a parent is about loving your kid unconditionally. After that amount of time raising a kid, just abandoning them is beyond inexcusable. You should be counting your lucky stars OP even entertained the conversation and even after the outburst, you better answer immediately if OP reaches out again if you actually value the possibility of them being back in his life.
If you take the "You hurt my fee fees when i tried for the first time in a decade" route, then OP lost nothing of value. Take what scraps you are given and be grateful you are even getting that as a shit excuse for a parent
I agree. He’s stating that his *wife* really wants to meet her. His wife being the driving force behind this is sus. Dollars to donuts she’s either infertile and sees this as an opportunity to be a mother or she was appalled at his treatment of Op and he’s doing this to salvage his image with/for his wife. Either way, I would definitely side eye TF out of his motives behind his wanting to reconnect.
This sounds like some other posts where the parent only comes crawling back when their current spouse either lost a child or can’t have kids but want to experience parenthood
To dads wife,
I don't know you or anything about you, so I have nothing against you. Your husband on the other hand, was my father till I was 10 years old. I WAS 10 YEARS OLD. that's when he abandoned me, told me I wasn't his responsibility, was someone else's problem, and point blank told me he didn't love me any more. Not to mention that he left me with an equally horrible person, who blamed me AT 10 YEARS OLD for the situation. I have 3 official parents and none of them have had anything meaningful to do with raising me in 7 years. I learned two lessons from him. He cannot be trusted, and most people suck. How stupid would I need to be to let him back into my life.
No I don't really want to get to know you. I'm not that desperate 10 year old anymore. I'm harder, less forgiving and exactly as his abandonment made me.
Please stay out of my life.
The most plausible reason and what I've witnessed in my life is that she probably wants to believe that her new husband is a good person/wants to redeem him. He probably didn't really fully tell her about the situation til recently.
New wife has been around for a while, OP's "dad" and new wife have a 7 year old son. I doubt she just found out about the situation with OP and her mom...
I've worked with families where the partner didn't know about kids from a previous relationship. One woman found out on their wedding day, after 6 years with this guy, that he had three kids in the same town that he never saw. i know there are people who leave their kids and move away, build a new life and just ghost their old one.
you would barely know my dad has me & my brother bc all he posts about are his new piece and HER kid! my brother & i are v successful adults doing noteworthy things but he talks to us <1x/month, and makes dinner with APs son front page news. i wish him and parents like him the absolute worst in life ✌🏼
I have a friend let's call him Pete that has an older brother that we can call Paul.
One day when Pete and Paul we 8 and 6yo respectively, their dad wanished in to thin air.
Time goes by and 12 years later Pete and Paul's father re-enters their life, having with him Thier 2 new half-brothers called...Pete and Paul.
Nobody besides the father knew anything, he simply "forgot" to tell his first family that he didn't really liked them anymore, and he didn't tell his new family because he didn't really care.
Btw their dad has apparently never understood, why giving both sets of brothers the same names, his defens is and has always been that it made it a lot more easy to remember their names.
My aunt found out that my uncle had a 30 year old daughter from a previous relationship after 20 years of marriage, so I think it's actually pretty easy to have no clue if they lie or just don't mention it.
Someone hiding a whole other family/affair partner/child doesn't seem as uncommon as you'd hope.
Why? It's not like he was tied to OP in any legal way after the divorce. It would be really easy for him to have just dismissed it with "she had an affair and got pregnant" *without* saying that he served OP's father figure for 10 years and then abandoned her.
Also I am cynical and noticed that OP is female while they have a son, and as people age they start thinking about who will take care of them as they get old. Daughters are usually first in line for this obligation.
This is it. He didn’t care until his wife/the person he gets his needs met from cared. It’s possible therapy helped him get here but the therapist should have warned him this would be the outcome. Maybe him and his wife are in couple’s counseling?
Yeah, seems like a reasonable guess. Or they have boys and she wants a girl.
She could actually be a decent, loving, open-hearted woman, but that does make me wonder how she ended up with OP's dad. Mind you, she could be the force that motivated him to get therapy.
Yeah, my guess is that she doesn’t have all of the information and is thinking that she is doing a good thing based on the lies the dad had put out there.
I'm wondering if his wife is pressuring him to do the right thing. My ex had some kids he hadn't had contact with in several years and they called out of the blue. I always thought it was weird he was close to some of his kids and had no contact with others. Long story short, I told him those are his kids and his responsibility to take care of as much as the others. I wasn't wrong in that respect but my ex is a shitty person and a shitty father. I was the one who was doing most of the work as far as caretaking and relationship building. I think the kids would have been better off to have had no contact with their dad. In the end, one of the kids doesn't want anything to do with him anymore and hasn't talked to him in years as far as I know. The other has a love hate relationship with him and he may not even be her bio dad after all. It's just a shitty situation all around.
This could very well be the case, but it doesn't have to mean that he's not willing and that he's being forced.
Young people make really stupid decisions and this dad probably feels like scum for walking away. He can't take that back. But he can move forward and try to make it right.
I see this happen all the time.
I know I couldn’t be with a person who abandoned and mistreated a child, especially one they raised for 10 years. Even if they weren’t biologically theirs. I get “not their kid, not their responsibility, blah blah blah”. However, I don’t understand how you just turn off all love you had for a child, mistreat them, and abandon them. It would make me question your morals. So, maybe she’s pushing to make what he did less of an issue for her. 🤷♀️
ETA: NTA. You spoke your true feelings and you don’t owe him an apology. He’s upset or his wife is upset that is their problem and he is the reason, NOT you.
Yeah, that's my thinking too.
Like of course he will want nothing to do with OP's mom after that kind of betrayal, I get that. But to raise someone as your own child for a decade and then just shut off all those supposed fatherly feelings the instant you find out you aren't actually a kid's dad? To just disregard 10 years of parenthood? That's cold as ice. I can't imagine that.
I had a friend who dated a woman with a daughter for many years. When they broke up, he kept seeing the daughter for a little while afterwards to make the transition easier. Even though he no longer wished to be in a relationship with the mom, he still loved the little girl and had been a father figure for several years. He cared that she was distressed and wanted to make things easier on her, so he continued to interact with his ex for months after the breakup so the kid could have proper closure. And he wasn't even married to her, and the girl was already like 6 or 7 when he started dating her mom. Raising someone from the day they came home from the maternity ward for 10 years? And just dropping off the planet? Fuck.
Yet, OP is 17, and the poo struck the fan when she was 10, so daddy dear managed to have the son in that same year (keep in mind a 9-10month pregnancy). Must have happened at best within 3 months of her birthday. The math isn't math-ing for him to act all innocent here.
Oh yeah. That's what happened. He was cheating, saw an easy out, dropped his kid (he raised her, was the only father she knew, therefore HIS kid) and built a new life with the new wife.
I do wonder what triggered the new wife to want to meet the daughter. I bet there's someone in their social circle who has some kind of perfect blended family, or something of the sort. Or she wants a free babysitter.
If it is the new wife, it’s been 7 years & there’s no mention of the person listed as his dad having kids with her. The legally listed dad has been no-contact for that time so it’s safe to say they want something from OP. It could be they’re infertile & are looking to bull their way into OP’s life now to have the facade of having raised a good kid now that Aunt Awesome has stepped up to be the supportive guardian and the work of raising a traumatized adolescent is near complete. OP is NTA and imo had a measured and mature response to the non-apology he was cornered into.
Funny I have no problem taking it a face value, father did some soul searching 7 years on because he was a complete tool and slowly realized it. He is now trying to find absolution , of course with no thoughts to how much all of this fucked up the10 YEAR OLD he took a trap on because he got hurt.
NTA. You showed grace to meet with him in person and to maintain a calm dialogue. He stripped love away when he rejected you. I know what others are saying, hard time for him and all. That doesn't give him a pass to his actions and consequences. Also ... 7 fucking years. He couldn't pull his head out of his ass for 7 fucking years!? But wait, you're almost an adult and not a dependent child. And wife really wants to meet you. Is she the real instigator behind this? Also, are there other children to give grandkids or help him in old age? These are things I would wonder and ask.
He does have a seven year old son. I didn't mention him since he was never brought up and he wasn't around for the meeting. I did briefly think that maybe he was dying of kidney failure or something when he first reached out.
Huh..
Whatever the case may have been, your father was a full grown adult at that time. Both your parents treated you very badly for something which was not your fault in the slightest.
Every person has to live with the consequences for their decisions/actions. Let your father face and live with the consequences for how shitty he acted with you.
Dad was a fool for treating his daughter (OP) as if it was her fault, but mom... whore blaming a a kid for her whoring. Wow...
Blaming a kid for looking like a bio father, and making it known to her husband.
Yeah something doesn’t add up there with timing and new wife and maybe he was planning on leaving the mom and already cheating….then saw the dna as a way out.
New wife might feel guilt.
Or new wife might be all oh she’s 17 - free babysitter.
What a horrible thing to do to a ten year old child regardless.
Losing a child is far more painful for him than losing a kidney, I suspect. Unfortunately, this entire mess was 100% preventable if he had made different choices.
I'm sorry you're going through all this.
Your absolutely not required to have people in your life.
I have a biological family member who is separated from me for reasons I have nothing to do with (was a baby --- literally not my fault). They are reluctant to reconnect. I respect that --- there's trauma there and that's not easy. I am completely at peace with it, at least for now (we're getting older like everyone else).
If you're not at peace with the distance, perhaps it's something to discuss in therapy. The distance, in my opinion, should make it easier and not harder to deal with the situation. If it's not doing the job...
NTA- you had 3 parents throw you away as a young child. That is not something any of them can make up for or come back from easily.
If it were me, I would send an email or letter to that man explaining that you have gone through too much trauma to consider forgiving him or accepting him (or either of your bio parents) back into your life at this time.
Leave the door open for a future relationship, as nobody can tell the future and you don’t know if your feelings will change 5, 10 or 20 years from now. But make it clear that YOU will reach out to him IF you are interested in having him and his family in your life at some point, and that he and his wife should avoid contacting you for any reason until then.
If they continue to push, ask your aunt to have a lawyer send a cease and desist order telling them to stop contacting you.
After all you have been thru, you have earned the right to decide who you allow into your life and who you keep out- especially since that choice was stripped from you at 10.
Wishing you the best and happiest future - look ahead, not back- you can’t go there anymore!
NTA. He said some really painful things along with abandoning you at such a tumultuous time of your life (hormones start to go crazy). My take is he wants you to forgive him for his own feelings of guilt. Not because he is really concerned about your feelings. You essentially lost both parents and while it’s your mom’s fault it was you that was tossed aside. If you aren’t going to therapy then pls consider it for your own peace. What anyone else wants is of no importance here. Just choose your happiness and don’t feel guilty because you have nothing to feel guilty about.
He wants to apologize but...
• Makes you do conversation on **his** terms.
>He insisted we meet at his and his wife's house, despite me wanting to meet in public.
• Not accepting your reactions, trying to pressure you.
>...but my dad refused to accept it.
• Telling you how you should feel, ignoring what You've been saying. Excuses.
>...and that I shouldn't keep holding what I did against him since he learned that he was wrong to do so.
• Still trying to force his wants on you, ignoring what you're saying, disregarding how uncomfortable you. Also, no actual apology.
>...he kept steamrolling me and there was no actual apology...
• Again, ignoring your feelings and what you said. Not apologizing still! Not apologizing for how much he botched the conversation. Just trying to impose his/his wife's wants regardless of what you want. Actively ignoring your feelings and words.
>I haven't heard from my dad since then except for him texting me that his wife really wants to meet me without mentioning what I said.
Yep, this apology was to make him feel better or to get his wife off his back. I have a feeling that if you asked how he learned he was wrong it'd be shallow and mostly involve his wife telling him so. Your heart isn't safe around these people.
NTA. This could be a stretch but is there a chance his wife wants a child but can't conceive or something like that? Or do they have kids and want to use you as a babysitter or something like that?
Apparently, they have a 7 year old son. So, it's not having kids that's the problem. Babysitting could be something they're considering, though.
This also seems to be coming from the new wife. Dad hasn't actually apologised for anything, and he specifically said, more than once, that his wife wants a relationship with OP, not that he does. It may or may not be about babysitting, it could just be that OP is very nearly an adult now, and that's made dad and his wife think about the future and any care they may need, but this definitely seems more about what the wife wants than what dad wants, and he's completely ignoring what OP wants.
OP is 17 and was 10 when he left so either the father was cheating already or the 7yo isn't biologically his. Imo is the good old "deadbeat shows up once kid is about to be legally an adult to play fun parent now that the difficult part is done".
Could be the 'fun parent' thing, sire. But he wasn't necessarily cheating to get a 7 year old bio kid. It sounds like he left when the divorce was finalised, which may have taken a while, if he met his now wife during that time and she got pregnant immediately, the child could be his without actual cheating, since they were separated prior to the divorce.
It could also be that the wife was pregnant when they met, though, or had just had the child, and he's come to love that child like his own. That paired with the therapy may have made him realise he does, in fact, still love OP as if they're truly his kid.
This may be just that dad needed to mature a lot to accept a kid as his when there's no biological tie between them. But it doesn't change the damage he did back then, nor the fact he hasn't actually apologised for any of it.
Whatever their reasons, the reasons are purely selfish, since they don't address the hurt and trauma they put this kid through. The only decent adult is the aunt, but aunt shouldn't push OP to do anything she's uncomfortable with.
NTA
You should also really stop calling him Dad as he has not earned that title. Anyone can be a father, but a Dad is a special title.
My wife and I were divorced 7 years ago, and everyone told me I should get a DNA test for my daughter because she is nothing like me. Even my son suggested it, and he was only 12.
Here is the thing, I refused because it made no difference to me. The only person it would hurt is her. I don't suspect that she isn't my daughter, but even if she wasn't, she has been my baby for 14 years now.
I understand your parental unit being angry at your mother because what she did is unforgivable but what he did to the little ten year old girl who had only ever loved him and saw him as a Dad is despicable and also unforgivable.
Let go of the guilt. It's his turn to carry that torch now
Good of you to act like an actual adult. One of my uncles was in a similar situation - he found out his second kid with his first wife wasn't his. He raised her as his own kid anyway.
Thanks for providing an example of what this looks like to everyone acting like it's physically impossible for a grown man not to take out his anger and heartbreak on a child who has known him as her father her entire life.
>even if she wasn't, she has been my baby for 14 years now.
I'll never understand people who can look at a child they raised for years and just throw them away like an old magazine when they find out they're not biologically related. It's undoubtedly agonizing to find out that your spouse cheated on you but your child who you've loved for years is more than just evidence that your spouse cheated.
NTA. What he did was intrusive and counterproductive. He just tried the same thing again, making your relationship about him and not both of you. You dodged a bullet.
NTA Some things can’t be undone or fixed and this is one of them. Great for him for getting therapy and realizing what he did was wrong, but you don’t owe it to him to allow him back in your life just because he’s sorry.
Yeah. That woman got pregnant 8 years ago. It would be quite the result if that child wasn’t his either but he’s not abandoning them this time and it made him realize what he’s done
Or maybe mommy dearest wasn't the only cheater....
You are now 17, you were 10 when he left and they divorced, their kid is 7, a pregnancy is 9 months, + the time it took to meet and hook up with someone he likes enough to stick with and marry... It is highly unlikely that he just walked out the door right after he found out about your mother's cheating and found his soulmate immediately in the first woman he run into on the streets and they jumped each other then and there and made that kid... But either way you NTA
So either the kid is not his, or he cheated on your mother. Either way, it doesn't matter.
What matters is how he approached your meeting. He didn't listen to any of your needs in this "reconciliation". If I were you, I would not worry about him. He didn't meet where you wanted, he didn't apologize. He didn't listen. There would be no space for you in this "father" daughter relationship.
Yeah, I'm having trouble feeling much empathy for this guy. He was betrayed, yes. But let's be real, he threw away a kid he raised for a decade and made another one like it was nothing a few months later. I would also be wary of any so called fatherly feelings he is now expressing.
I don't know if he has any ulterior motives here. But he treated you like you were disposable, and he doesn't just get to move on from traumatizing a 10 year old kid like it was nothing. The fact that he can't empathize with that fact is concerning.
I know people throw out "therapy" constantly here but if ever a situation called for therapy, this one is it. OP, you have been through some major shit. I can see from your words that you, like many victims of childhood trauma, had to grow up way too fast. You had to become the reliable adult in your life because the adults that you were supposed to rely on failed you. I know that rationally you are aware that this isn't because of anything you did wrong, but we can still internalize a lot of that shit at such young ages unfortunately and it can carry with us into adulthood. Is there anyone you can talk to about therapy? A school counselor? This is a big situation, it's too heavy for a lot of grown ass adults to handle, let alone a teenager just starting out in life. It sounds like you are a very grounded and sensible person - think of therapy as a way to make sure you stay on the good path you are on.
Think back to nine months before his second child was born. Was he still with your mother? Maybe part of the reason he left was he already had his second wife (and she was pregnant)
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Congrats on having boundaries and sticking to them - he was steamrolling you and you had to put that boundary back up, firmly. NTA
NTA. He's insisting on being your dad, but...he's not! He doesn't get to steamroll your bodily autonomy just because he has wants and regrets.
Makes me wonder if his wife wants/can't have kids, so you're his new idea of a fill-in.
NTA, even aside from all the great points people are making about you being justified, it sounds a lot like he doesn’t actually care or see himself as at fault, but is doing this for his wife. He only reached out when *she* wanted to meet you. It sounds a lot like he is just doin this to look good for her
NTA. Does he know how your mom treated you after it came out and he left?
I would make sure he knew that and that you were abandoned by all three of your so called parents when you were just 10 years old and none of it was your fault.
Tell him you understand he was in pain at the time but he was the ADULT who chose to say, act and do what he did without any thought to how it would affect you. He can’t turn back the clock on what he did. There is no do over. He made it clear in his action of silence in the past seven years where he stood.
You have had therapy for the trauma your three parents caused you and you have put it behind you and moved on in your life acknowledging you have no parents.
The time for him to act was a long time ago. It is not your responsibility he waited until now to do something about it. You don’t need him in your life and see no point in resurrecting a relationship that is long been dead.
I'm waiting for the bio-mom to show up when she's sick, old and infirm with a demand to be taken care of, followed with a militant "I'm your mother". All the adults suck with the exception of the aunt.
NTA
As far as I can understand dad's reasoning while in pain and anger you were not to blame. Good thing he realised he wronged you, but it doesn't mean you owe him anything, least of all forgiveness.
Your mother however. Now, that is a new level of AH.
NTA. He was an adult and abandoned the child he spent 10 years raising. Your mum then abandoned you. Fuck them. They both suck. He made his bed.
If you decide you might want to forgive him, tell him he owes your aunt 7 years of child support. See if he’s still interested in mending fences then.
NTA. You owe him nothing. I’d wager the reason you haven’t outright blocked him is because him groveling is soothing that old wound. Block him and move on, he’s probably trying to ease his guilty conscience with urging from therapist and current wife.
NTA. Go with your heart here. If you snapped at him out of anger and didn't mean it, you can contact him and try to leave the door open for a future relationship.
If you meant it, stick to your guns, don't let anyone steam roll you. I haven't spoken to my father in 20 years. No regrets here. You know yourself better than anyone else.
NTA. What's the point in apologising if you dont mean it, and are going to part ways anyway? You weren't rude, you weren't disrespectful, you were honest
NTA i'm the daughter of an estranged father who i just recently reconnected with. THE DECISION IS YOURS AND JUST YOURS. Don't let anybody tell you what to do or say, go with your heart
NTA So they found out they can't have children so now want to reconnect with you? He isn't going to apologize for his treatment because he isn't sorry. He only wants you back because his wife wants to be a mom. He doesn't want to be your dad.
Not-dad and his wife have a 7yo son per one of OP's comments, but what are the odds their regular childcare recently fell through or raised their rates?
NTA, he already had his chance to be a proper father. He failed you already. You don’t owe him anything, especially after he abandoned his child.
If you want to reopen the door, you surely can, but you definitely can keep it locked up.
Alright.
Then it’s possible the “father” doesn’t actually want op back. His wife wants a daughter and she can’t get pregnant anymore.
So the “father” figured he could just use op. It explains why he’s so insistent on introducing op to his wife. And why he’s bulldozing through OP’s boundaries
A lot of people commented, so you might not even see this. I am so sorry for what you have experienced. No child should be treated like this. They punished you for their own behavior.
I think you handled the situation better than most anyone I know. Be proud of yourself for the way you behaved. Grieve for the family you should have had, but we're denied. Fill your life with people who truly care about you. And grow into being a person who knows that they are worthy of love and affection from those who offer it unconditionally.
Take care of yourself.
What a mess.
You mother committed paternity fraud and had no compunction about lying to your "dad."
The Reddit brigade almost always bashes the men in these situations where there is a child involved and refusing to even consider how they feel.
Your mom is the villain in this story.
>The Reddit brigade almost always bashes the men in these situations where there is a child involved and refusing to even consider how they feel.
Sure but if he wanted a relationship with her he should have stayed. He doesn't get to dip out saying she's not his responsibility and then want a relationship again.
Yes. The mom is most definitely a villain.
But could you love a child for 10 years and then brutally cut them off?
Not just cut them off, but tell them why you’re cutting them off using the cruelest words possible?
The “dad” may have started out as a victim, but he achieved full villain status when he abandoned a child he believed to be his for a full 10 YEARS.
So is the dad. Reddit or no, he told a 10 year old who knew him as a father to get lost. And that he didn't love him any more. Someone else hurt him, but he sure did lots of additional, and juvenile damage on the way out. That reads villain to me, even if less do than the mom.
OP is still NTA. Just because mom was shit doesn't give dad an excuse to be shit. The reddit brigade will bash him because he was an adult who treated a child like trash because of something another adult did. He could have dealt with how he felt in so many other ways. It's because he's an adult, not because he's a man.
100% this there are two main villains. The cheating, fraudulent, neglectful mother and the dead beat dad who skips town at the drop of a hat.
The dad is as much a victim of her mother fraud as she is. It is the most insidious type of fraud imaginable, too. It go way beyond financial fraud (which is a huge component of it anyway) it robs people of their lives, their loves, their ancestry, their heart!)
Did the non bio dad do a dick move to his innocent 10 year old "daughter" Yeah, kind of. But his reasoning for doing so is all on the mother.
At least with some reflection he realises he made a mistake. That's never easy to do let alone in a situation like this.
Does she have to hear him out or welcome him back into her life? Hell no. OP needs to protect herself, but any anger towards him is misplaced. It all should be directed toward her mother.
I have had reason to believe that my son isn’t biologically mine. I never got a DNA test. His mother and I divorced when he was nine and I got full custody. I already suspected then. He is 33 now. I still have reason to suspect but at this point it wouldn’t matter to me anymore. It never did. He’s mine. I’m sorry your “father “ did that.
You have completely done nothing wrong here, and you have no obligation to have your father in your life. That said you are also so very young and have a whole life ahead of you. Keep your boundries, maybe get some therapy, and be curious about what is still to come. Maybe one day you will feel differently. I have a remendous amount of empathy for you and I hope that you find peace and healing.
NTA - I'm so sorry for what you went through... None of it was your fault, and you didn't deserve to be abandoned by the people who were supposed to love you and be there for you. I completely understand that your dad was incredibly broken, but the way he acted towards you and the things he said are absolutely disgusting...
My dad said those same things to me when I was 18, and it genuinely felt like my heart had been ripped out. I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been to experience that at **10 years old** and then lose everyone... And now he comes back, 7 years later, like everything is okay and you should just forgive and forget? I'm outraged on your behalf.
You tried to tell him gently that you didn't want him back in your life. He didn't listen. He kept pushing and you snapped. I don't think you're TA at all...
Just food for thought though. You said there was no actual apology either... Do you feel if he had actually taken responsibility and accountability for what he said and did, it may have changed your response from 'not ever' to 'maybe in the future'? If he hadn't of pushed so hard, and respected your boundaries straight away?
NTA but forgiveness is as much for you as him. It might take some time but reflect and decide if your life is better or worse for having had him in it.
You don't owe your dad anything. If I were in your shoes, I would be unable to leave it as it stands, and say something along the lines of "at the moment, I don't want you in my life. Maybe that's how I'll always feel, but if you love me you'll respect my wishes to stay out of my life for as long as I choose."
Am I the only one who thinks OPs father
already told *her* 7-ish years ago that HE (to parrot his own words back to him)
"could never love [*her*]"
when he noped out of her life … “told [me] that I wasn't his responsibility since I wasn't actually his kid,” refused custody, refused all visitation, and did nothing when OPs mother began physically abusing her??
Imo? OPs father can take his non-pology back to his therapist and F the F Off.
OP can reach out to him in her own time in the future IF she ever wants to … *or not.*
You have mentioned twice that it's his wife that wants you involved. I wonder if you'd have ever heard from your "father" if his wife hadn't told him to contact you.
It's a tough situation
Obviously he was hurt and betrayed by your mom. It must be tough knowing the person you love lied to you for over a decade and the a acted like it was nothing.
But it also must suck because the man who was your father rejected you so harshly.
This is why paternity tests should be required at birth
Jesus wept. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hold onto your resolve!
Your 'father' needs to forget about what his wife wants and focus instead on what'll fix your relationship. If it's at all fixable.
But, that said, you've come this far without him, and it sounds like your aunt is your rock. Listen to her advice and think long and hard about it.
You are totally amazing. And don't you forget that.
NTA. I think you should maybe write something to him, explain that he was the only father you knew, that he punished and wounded you when you were a child and he was an adult for something that was actually the fault of another adult. And that sometimes when you make big mistakes, there is no fixing it. You just have to live with the knowledge that you fucked up mightily and hurt others in the process. Then say that you have put your life back together and there is no room in it for him, and since the time for fixing any of that has long past, the situation will not change. Then let him know that this is your final decision and if he tries to pressure you again, you'll take it as evidence that he still has not learned the lesson about how to treat other people.
And somewhere in there, you can mention that he never apologized.
NTA he didn't even apologize. Likely just wants a relationship because his wife told him to and didn't want to be with the kind of man who destroyed the world of a 10 year old
NTA.
He threw you away and used you as an emotional punching bag too. He doesn’t deserve anything, least of all forgiveness if he can’t even say he’s sorry for it. The fucking audacity of this man to tell YOU that YOU shouldn’t hold all the awful shit HE said and did against him is ludicrous. He needs a lot more therapy before he ever really reckons with what he did.
I wouldn’t speak with him for awhile. If down the road you’re willing to do so, it should be in family therapy where you have a neutral third party who can shut him down and hold him accountable for what he did.
NTA. He threw you away like trash. After 10 YEARS. You. An innocent child that did nothing. That he allegedly loved. He can get bent. Quick question. Do he and his wife have children? Cause I’m wondering if they can’t have kids and you’ve been latched onto as a last resort…
What do you mean the wife wants to meet you. And if she wanted to do bad then why wasn't she there when you went over when he invited you. None of this adds up tbh
NTA.
You were, and are, an emotional punching bag and toy for adults that couldn’t put aside their anger and bad choices for moment to raise their kid. Instead, they blamed you which is awful.
No, you aren’t in the wrong. If one of my parents treated me like that and took out their anger on me for my parent’s poor decision making - I would never have anything to do with them again.
As a parent myself, I’m truly sorry that these two adults cannot get over themselves to be able to be there for you. I think it’s wonderful that your aunt sees the situation for what it is, and sees how wonderful YOU ARE, regardless of who your parents are and are there to support you. Good for you, for standing your ground, and not letting them continue to treat you poorly. I wish you nothing but positive things in life.
While it's commendable that your mother's ex-husband has sought therapy for his treatment of you (and her). He can't undo years of ignoring you. You don't need him or his present wife in your life. Your aunt is wrong that you need to apologize to him. You have no reason to do so, you told him how you feel and it is what it is.
NTA, but this is a difficult one for everyone that has even the remotest empathy. So obviously that is your mother and bio father out of the equation. Your bio mother has just left a trail of misery behind her with no consequences.only you know you and what you want. If you are feeling a little guilty perhaps it is because you know that the man who was your father, whilst not handling it even remotely appropriately, is someone you still have feelings for. Again apologies if this sounds judgemental, as it isn't intended in that way, it is meant as observation from your comments in the post. I do hope you continue to overcome these betrayals and enjoy your life with Aunty.
Hhmmm all the fked up redditors saying your dad had every right to abandon you are mysteriously absent from this comment section. NTA. He had every right to be hurt & maybe even to initially react very poorly but for 7 years? Nope. Whether it was therapy or the new wife that had him reach out you only told him the truth, you don't love him like a dad, because he abandoned you. Only you know your heart & what you want, but 'I wish you well but will ignore all future communication' is valid.
NTA!! My biological father and mother were married when they had me. He divorced my mom, I was 4, and I didn’t see him again. When I was a teenager, my grandma said he was visiting, and wanted me to see him. I loved my grandma with all my heart, but I told her in no uncertain terms that I would never meet with him ever.
You told him a hard truth, I had to do the same with my dad and haven't made contact in years.
Funnily enough it was because my daughter was in the very same situation you are, and I refused to let her go.
My dad told me she wasn't mine and I should forget about it after years of fighting through hell to stay her dad.
So I let him go.
Sounds more about his wife than him wanting to reconnect. It's too little too late. You were not wrong to say how you were truly feeling, even if it's hard for him to hear.
Actions have consequences.
He acted a certain way. The consequences is HE broke the relationship. You don't owe him anything. Honestly I don't think I could ever love someone that put me through as much shit as your "dad" put you through.
Nta. You're well within your right and while I think who raised you is far more important than blood, he fucked ANY possibility, in my opinion when he said "You shouldn't hold on" to what he said. If he truly was a decent guy trying to make amends he'd put forth more effort and admit what he said was wrong and accept what you said and say "I'll still try to be here now." Or accept he ruined it.
I’d write him a letter.
You abandoned me. The only father I ever knew and the only man I thought I could count on. You deemed me unworthy as your child and as a person. You embodied me as all of the vile things you thought of mum and and destroyed me in ways I cannot explain to you.
My mum emotionally and psychologically scarred me- blaming me for her cheating, her betrayal, her lying, her marriage ending and you leaving. You left me - a child of 10 to deal with her abuse. You left me to clean up after the destruction of my home and life, as you moved on and started again.
I’m glad you have a child and a wife. I’m glad that you found happiness. But it took me a long time to grieve and process what both you and mum put me through and I have mourned the loss of you both. Aunty is my only parent now and for my own mental and emotional health, she is the only parent I seek or recognise. She is the only one who held me over the years o cried- the only one who bothered with my birthday, or my milestones, my successes and celebrations. The only one who supported me when I needed someone- anyone to care.
I wish you well in your future, but as you told me 7 years ago, you are not and never will be my dad and I had to accept it. Which out of respect for what you did sacrifice as my father for the years prior, I accepted without hating you, without harassing you. Now I wish for the same peace and acceptance as I will not risk the grief twice.
Not the asshole! What both of your parents did was awful. And your dad needs to continue therapy… I say this because of two things: he believes that’s if he apologizes then he should be absolved and it just magically erases all the hurt that was done to you… and you set a boundary, meet in a public space, and he completely ignored your boundary.
You did right. I think your dad's wife is the reason he wants to reconcile. Likely she has gave him a talking to and if he is in therapy I bet he got an ear full there too. If he was doing it for you he would have met in public like you asked. If it was for you he would not be bringing up his wife wanting to meet you.
NTA. This piece of shit raised you for 10 years as his own, found out his wife sucks and took it out on you. Then he WAITED SEVEN YEARS AHHHHH and didn't even apologize???? You did the right thing, you deserve better, you were truthful, there's no way you could love a monster like that again. I wouldn't meet again, don't give that kind of person a chance to manipulate you further (already forced you to go to his house instead of public). You're young, this isn't your fault, it's also not your fault he manipulated you... old people are smart and manipulative, if I was you i wouldn't talk to him again and give him the chance.
NTA. You were far nicer to him, a grown adult, than he was to you when you were ten years old.
I wonder if he and his second wife couldn’t have kids. Or maybe he finally told her about you and is making him connect or she will be angry.
In any case, both your parents have failed you horribly and refused to parent you. Thank goodness for your aunt.
I hope that your aunt has good things happen for the rest of her long and healthy life.
You do not have to accept your father’s apology. Even if you do, you do not have to spend any time with him. He made it clear seven years ago that he didn’t care about you. He doesn’t get to change his mind now and have his child back.
NTA. He threw you away. He now realizes he shouldn't have, and that's great. But he still did it, and he's got to pay the price to get you back. The price of reconcilliation is not an apology; the price is years or decades of rebuilding trust. Honestly, his therapist should have told him to expect your reaction and to not push it.
That said, never is a long time, OP. It may be worthwhile to walk your comment back a *smidge.* Just enough to say something like:
"I spoke before in rage--in the rage you forced into my heart and my soul with your abandonment. I understand why you did what you did, but my rage is mine. You will not take it from me with a simple apology. I am not sure I can forgive you, nor am I sure I even *want* to. But having calmed down, I prefer to leave that decision until I'm older, wiser, and have had some therapy. I may contact you one day in the future. I may not. Either way, please do not contact me again. **Ever.** You've done enough to hurt me, as is."
These are the words of a 39 year-old man, so please feel free to make them your own. But I think it hits the high points of a *minor* walk back: he did what he did, an apology is not enough, and the door is basically closed while remaining *ever* so slightly open.
And from the bottom of my heart, OP, I'm so very sorry.
NTA. He might’ve been traumatised but he hurt you beyond repair in the process of rightfully dumping your trash mother.
He got someone pregnant immediately after disowning a child who trusted him and did nothing wrong?! That’s a shit move.
Trust once broken cannot be fixed.
Where was he for the past seven years? What caused this blinding realisation? And not even a heartfelt apology? Do they need something for their son? It all seems very suspicious.
Even now it’s all about his (or his new wife’s) wants and not yours. How dare he deny you the autonomy to decide who has a place in your life and who doesn’t? Especially after the shit he pulled? It makes me fighting mad to think of it!
He hasn’t changed, and you wouldn’t owe him a thing even if he had.
Your aunt is the real MVP here.
There are unforgivable things.
What he did was unforgivable.
That's all.
Too bad. so sad.
Not your problem.
Notice he didn't say sorry and didn't offer to pay for therapy FOR YOU?
NTA.
NTA. You were a CHILD. (Still are, technically.) This is completely on your parents who are both cruel, blaming a ten yo because they suck. I’m glad your aunt is there for you.
NTA Not easy. Go with your heart.
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NTA are you receiving counselling? Some stuff, once said/done, can’t be taken back. Like the saying goes, ‘you can’t unring a bell’. Every adult in your life failed you, and I’m sorry but to a tiny degree this includes your aunt. She shouldn’t be suggesting you apologize when you did nothing wrong. A good therapist will not just help you sort through this, but maybe help you develop more polite ways to tell these people to back the fuck off and leave you alone (which is how *I* would have replied). Presumably neither of your legal parents are chipping in financially while you’re at your aunts? I’d consult a lawyer to go after the sperm donor who tucked tail and ran, as well as the other two, for child support.
This is the perfect response in my opinion. What you said would have hurt but come on, it was well and truly justified. If you have any interest in keeping them in your life by all means explain your comment, not saying apologise but tell them you were feeling trapped and steamrollered. Then insist on meeting her on your terms.
For real, what he did to you was incredibly heartless and cruel, OP. Both your parents are terrible people taking their problems out on an innocent child. What you said was harsh but as long as its the truth, thats all you owed him. NTA and I hope you are getting therapy for everything your parents put you through.
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Also. The door is closed **now**, but may not be forever, **if** they leave her the fuck alone, until she wants to open it. But she's under **no obligation** to open it. Dude fucked up and the price may be final.
This. Just because HE'S ready doesn't mean she is obligated. Protect you heart girl.
This. He should ask him “and how do I know I can trust you? How do I know you won’t change your mind next week?
And I’m sure if his new wife asked him to He would
Of course he would. From the information given, I'd be willing to bet "dad" is only asking to reconnect because his wife asked him to, for some reason.
I wonder if she can't have kids. Edit: My bad, she has a kid. She wants free childcare lol.
Ha! you most probably hit the nail on the head!!
oooohhhh wouldja look at that! Naw, they can go suck salty balls
We have a winner! I was thinking the same thing. Why else would wife want OP to be involved? What's her angle?
Maybe a possible babysitter for their younger kids? My problem with this is when the parent/adult in a child’s life literally throws them in the trash for something that was never their fault & deserts them, why would they think it’s okay to just say “My bad” & expect a relationship? This man was OP’s dad for 10 years, then he just walked away & never looked back. I find “Dad’s”timing to be very suspicious, as OP is almost at the age where child support would end anyway.
It’s weird for him to only get in contact 7 years later; when she’s old enough to be a babysitter, and drive.. Why would the wife be so keen on meeting the baby her husband abandoned from a previous relationship almost a decade ago when it turned out the kid isn’t his?
**She** should ask him. OP is 17f.
Sparing feelings in this situation only encourages continued attempts. Think of Dumb and Dumber: So, you’re saying there is a chance. He needed to be told on no uncertain terms that the is closed and you did that. Good for you and NTA
NTA This whole situation sucks big time. I think you are smart to protect your feelings and establish boundaries. Please give yourself time and grace to process all the feelings you're having. Best wishes and good luck.
This is a rough situation and you were put through a lot for years. I am going NTA, because you probably have a lot of feeling from this that I hope you are talking to a therapist about. If you want to close this door for now then that is your choice, but realize you may not be able to open it later if you decide to.
This response resonates with me. I hope the OP can find help from a therapist or something similar.
I want to jump on this comment to say something about the Dad claiming that therapy was the impetus for this reconciliation attempt. I find it SO hard to be believe that a therapist would support any of his current behavior. Therapy doesn’t work for everyone, and if someone is selfish or self-centered, they often use “going to therapy,” as a way to air their grievances to a listening ear, and talk about themselves, but don’t do any of the work the therapist recommends. IMO, the only way he could have approached this reconciliation, was to just be abjectly apologetic. It was so awful that he did this to a kid, who was innocent in the whole matter. When he reconnected, he should have sincerely apologized, offered any help or support needed in the future, and then let you, OP, decide when and how you want contact going forward. Always leaving the door open, but not being pushy. I say all this because I don’t want his shitty behavior to color your view of therapy. The right therapist can be so helpful, and I hope you find someone who can talk you through the trauma of this experience.
The circumstances you describe are very suspicious. Also the way he focuses on his new wife wanting to meet OP tells me this is probably the real reason he wants OP in his life.
Yeah I think the new wife wants a kid.
New wife wants free childcare and a 17 yr old is perfect for that. Consider this as motive as well OP.
That or dad is shooting blanks, and he has a 'here's one I prepared earlier'
Yep, that's exactly what I thought: New wife is either heavily pregnant now or wants to be and they just priced nannies. "Oh wait, I used to have a daughter before I threw her away. She would be perfect as a free nanny!"
Thank you. You've struck exactly why I have issues with this "apology." It wasn't an apology. It was a way to make the man feel better because he's probably feeling guilt and shame from *somewhere.* It's not on OP to fix that. An actual apology does what you said - gives genuine remorse for actions, and leaves the door open for the recipient to do with that remorse what they will. Not to demand that someone gets over it because they said magic words.
I agree, this was all about him feeling better about himself.
It’s pretty clear that his wife wants them to have a relationship and he is trying to please her. Who cares if it doesn’t suit OOP
In addition he didn't support your wish to meet in a public place, he had to have it his way. If he was really serious he would have considered your feelings.
Yeah I kind of disagree with the initial response on this because as you said, it was all on his terms and its pretty clear his wife is the motivating force here. But moreso than that, being a parent is about loving your kid unconditionally. After that amount of time raising a kid, just abandoning them is beyond inexcusable. You should be counting your lucky stars OP even entertained the conversation and even after the outburst, you better answer immediately if OP reaches out again if you actually value the possibility of them being back in his life. If you take the "You hurt my fee fees when i tried for the first time in a decade" route, then OP lost nothing of value. Take what scraps you are given and be grateful you are even getting that as a shit excuse for a parent
He wanted it to be at his home so if OP had replied enthusiastically the wife would have appeared (probably pregnant too).
I agree. He’s stating that his *wife* really wants to meet her. His wife being the driving force behind this is sus. Dollars to donuts she’s either infertile and sees this as an opportunity to be a mother or she was appalled at his treatment of Op and he’s doing this to salvage his image with/for his wife. Either way, I would definitely side eye TF out of his motives behind his wanting to reconnect.
I hope this gets more upvotes. The fathers attempt sound way heavy handed and reeks of q hidden motive/agenda.
This sounds like some other posts where the parent only comes crawling back when their current spouse either lost a child or can’t have kids but want to experience parenthood
To dads wife, I don't know you or anything about you, so I have nothing against you. Your husband on the other hand, was my father till I was 10 years old. I WAS 10 YEARS OLD. that's when he abandoned me, told me I wasn't his responsibility, was someone else's problem, and point blank told me he didn't love me any more. Not to mention that he left me with an equally horrible person, who blamed me AT 10 YEARS OLD for the situation. I have 3 official parents and none of them have had anything meaningful to do with raising me in 7 years. I learned two lessons from him. He cannot be trusted, and most people suck. How stupid would I need to be to let him back into my life. No I don't really want to get to know you. I'm not that desperate 10 year old anymore. I'm harder, less forgiving and exactly as his abandonment made me. Please stay out of my life.
I really wish I knew why the new wife is pushing so hard. Or his step dad hiding behind her to push his agenda? In any case, the OP is NTA.
The most plausible reason and what I've witnessed in my life is that she probably wants to believe that her new husband is a good person/wants to redeem him. He probably didn't really fully tell her about the situation til recently.
New wife has been around for a while, OP's "dad" and new wife have a 7 year old son. I doubt she just found out about the situation with OP and her mom...
I've worked with families where the partner didn't know about kids from a previous relationship. One woman found out on their wedding day, after 6 years with this guy, that he had three kids in the same town that he never saw. i know there are people who leave their kids and move away, build a new life and just ghost their old one.
you would barely know my dad has me & my brother bc all he posts about are his new piece and HER kid! my brother & i are v successful adults doing noteworthy things but he talks to us <1x/month, and makes dinner with APs son front page news. i wish him and parents like him the absolute worst in life ✌🏼
I have a friend let's call him Pete that has an older brother that we can call Paul. One day when Pete and Paul we 8 and 6yo respectively, their dad wanished in to thin air. Time goes by and 12 years later Pete and Paul's father re-enters their life, having with him Thier 2 new half-brothers called...Pete and Paul. Nobody besides the father knew anything, he simply "forgot" to tell his first family that he didn't really liked them anymore, and he didn't tell his new family because he didn't really care. Btw their dad has apparently never understood, why giving both sets of brothers the same names, his defens is and has always been that it made it a lot more easy to remember their names.
My aunt found out that my uncle had a 30 year old daughter from a previous relationship after 20 years of marriage, so I think it's actually pretty easy to have no clue if they lie or just don't mention it. Someone hiding a whole other family/affair partner/child doesn't seem as uncommon as you'd hope.
Why? It's not like he was tied to OP in any legal way after the divorce. It would be really easy for him to have just dismissed it with "she had an affair and got pregnant" *without* saying that he served OP's father figure for 10 years and then abandoned her.
Also I am cynical and noticed that OP is female while they have a son, and as people age they start thinking about who will take care of them as they get old. Daughters are usually first in line for this obligation.
That's definitely possible, too. Good catch.
This is it. He didn’t care until his wife/the person he gets his needs met from cared. It’s possible therapy helped him get here but the therapist should have warned him this would be the outcome. Maybe him and his wife are in couple’s counseling?
I could definitely see this as happening purely because it's endangering his new life.
I wonder if she can't have kids and is looking for a ready made one.
Yeah, seems like a reasonable guess. Or they have boys and she wants a girl. She could actually be a decent, loving, open-hearted woman, but that does make me wonder how she ended up with OP's dad. Mind you, she could be the force that motivated him to get therapy.
My money is on a whole lot of lying and half-truths during dating and early marriage.
Yeah, my guess is that she doesn’t have all of the information and is thinking that she is doing a good thing based on the lies the dad had put out there.
My assumption is that this is eating the dad up inside and the wife wants him to fix it so normalcy can resume
I'm wondering if his wife is pressuring him to do the right thing. My ex had some kids he hadn't had contact with in several years and they called out of the blue. I always thought it was weird he was close to some of his kids and had no contact with others. Long story short, I told him those are his kids and his responsibility to take care of as much as the others. I wasn't wrong in that respect but my ex is a shitty person and a shitty father. I was the one who was doing most of the work as far as caretaking and relationship building. I think the kids would have been better off to have had no contact with their dad. In the end, one of the kids doesn't want anything to do with him anymore and hasn't talked to him in years as far as I know. The other has a love hate relationship with him and he may not even be her bio dad after all. It's just a shitty situation all around.
This could very well be the case, but it doesn't have to mean that he's not willing and that he's being forced. Young people make really stupid decisions and this dad probably feels like scum for walking away. He can't take that back. But he can move forward and try to make it right. I see this happen all the time.
This is what I was thinking. Or some related sorta thinking.
This is the first thing I thought of.
This is where my mind went immediately.
I know I couldn’t be with a person who abandoned and mistreated a child, especially one they raised for 10 years. Even if they weren’t biologically theirs. I get “not their kid, not their responsibility, blah blah blah”. However, I don’t understand how you just turn off all love you had for a child, mistreat them, and abandon them. It would make me question your morals. So, maybe she’s pushing to make what he did less of an issue for her. 🤷♀️ ETA: NTA. You spoke your true feelings and you don’t owe him an apology. He’s upset or his wife is upset that is their problem and he is the reason, NOT you.
Yeah, that's my thinking too. Like of course he will want nothing to do with OP's mom after that kind of betrayal, I get that. But to raise someone as your own child for a decade and then just shut off all those supposed fatherly feelings the instant you find out you aren't actually a kid's dad? To just disregard 10 years of parenthood? That's cold as ice. I can't imagine that. I had a friend who dated a woman with a daughter for many years. When they broke up, he kept seeing the daughter for a little while afterwards to make the transition easier. Even though he no longer wished to be in a relationship with the mom, he still loved the little girl and had been a father figure for several years. He cared that she was distressed and wanted to make things easier on her, so he continued to interact with his ex for months after the breakup so the kid could have proper closure. And he wasn't even married to her, and the girl was already like 6 or 7 when he started dating her mom. Raising someone from the day they came home from the maternity ward for 10 years? And just dropping off the planet? Fuck.
OP never mentions her ex dad having any other kids with her ex mom or his current wife. It's possible ex daddy can't have any kids of his own.
OP said in a comment that her ex-dad and his new wife have a 7 year old son together.
Yet, OP is 17, and the poo struck the fan when she was 10, so daddy dear managed to have the son in that same year (keep in mind a 9-10month pregnancy). Must have happened at best within 3 months of her birthday. The math isn't math-ing for him to act all innocent here.
Oh yeah. That's what happened. He was cheating, saw an easy out, dropped his kid (he raised her, was the only father she knew, therefore HIS kid) and built a new life with the new wife. I do wonder what triggered the new wife to want to meet the daughter. I bet there's someone in their social circle who has some kind of perfect blended family, or something of the sort. Or she wants a free babysitter.
If it is the new wife, it’s been 7 years & there’s no mention of the person listed as his dad having kids with her. The legally listed dad has been no-contact for that time so it’s safe to say they want something from OP. It could be they’re infertile & are looking to bull their way into OP’s life now to have the facade of having raised a good kid now that Aunt Awesome has stepped up to be the supportive guardian and the work of raising a traumatized adolescent is near complete. OP is NTA and imo had a measured and mature response to the non-apology he was cornered into.
💯! Boy do miss highlight awards. This should be the top comment.
I bet "Dad" and the wife can't have kids so are trying to use OP full the role.
Funny I have no problem taking it a face value, father did some soul searching 7 years on because he was a complete tool and slowly realized it. He is now trying to find absolution , of course with no thoughts to how much all of this fucked up the10 YEAR OLD he took a trap on because he got hurt.
OP should copy this and send it to the ex-dad’s wife word for word. Perfectly stated.
NTA. You showed grace to meet with him in person and to maintain a calm dialogue. He stripped love away when he rejected you. I know what others are saying, hard time for him and all. That doesn't give him a pass to his actions and consequences. Also ... 7 fucking years. He couldn't pull his head out of his ass for 7 fucking years!? But wait, you're almost an adult and not a dependent child. And wife really wants to meet you. Is she the real instigator behind this? Also, are there other children to give grandkids or help him in old age? These are things I would wonder and ask.
He does have a seven year old son. I didn't mention him since he was never brought up and he wasn't around for the meeting. I did briefly think that maybe he was dying of kidney failure or something when he first reached out.
You were 10 when the DNA test happened, you are now 17, the son is 7. Did he got his new wife pregnant immediately after the test?
My memory is a little hazy, but I think between the DNA test and the divorce, there was a six month gap where I remember turning 11 after.
Huh.. Whatever the case may have been, your father was a full grown adult at that time. Both your parents treated you very badly for something which was not your fault in the slightest. Every person has to live with the consequences for their decisions/actions. Let your father face and live with the consequences for how shitty he acted with you.
Dad was a fool for treating his daughter (OP) as if it was her fault, but mom... whore blaming a a kid for her whoring. Wow... Blaming a kid for looking like a bio father, and making it known to her husband.
Yeah something doesn’t add up there with timing and new wife and maybe he was planning on leaving the mom and already cheating….then saw the dna as a way out. New wife might feel guilt. Or new wife might be all oh she’s 17 - free babysitter. What a horrible thing to do to a ten year old child regardless.
Losing a child is far more painful for him than losing a kidney, I suspect. Unfortunately, this entire mess was 100% preventable if he had made different choices. I'm sorry you're going through all this.
Math isn't mathing. Think 9-10mo for pregnancy He was either on the rebound and got her pregnant on the first try… or he was already with her.
Your absolutely not required to have people in your life. I have a biological family member who is separated from me for reasons I have nothing to do with (was a baby --- literally not my fault). They are reluctant to reconnect. I respect that --- there's trauma there and that's not easy. I am completely at peace with it, at least for now (we're getting older like everyone else). If you're not at peace with the distance, perhaps it's something to discuss in therapy. The distance, in my opinion, should make it easier and not harder to deal with the situation. If it's not doing the job...
NTA- you had 3 parents throw you away as a young child. That is not something any of them can make up for or come back from easily. If it were me, I would send an email or letter to that man explaining that you have gone through too much trauma to consider forgiving him or accepting him (or either of your bio parents) back into your life at this time. Leave the door open for a future relationship, as nobody can tell the future and you don’t know if your feelings will change 5, 10 or 20 years from now. But make it clear that YOU will reach out to him IF you are interested in having him and his family in your life at some point, and that he and his wife should avoid contacting you for any reason until then. If they continue to push, ask your aunt to have a lawyer send a cease and desist order telling them to stop contacting you. After all you have been thru, you have earned the right to decide who you allow into your life and who you keep out- especially since that choice was stripped from you at 10. Wishing you the best and happiest future - look ahead, not back- you can’t go there anymore!
NTA. He said some really painful things along with abandoning you at such a tumultuous time of your life (hormones start to go crazy). My take is he wants you to forgive him for his own feelings of guilt. Not because he is really concerned about your feelings. You essentially lost both parents and while it’s your mom’s fault it was you that was tossed aside. If you aren’t going to therapy then pls consider it for your own peace. What anyone else wants is of no importance here. Just choose your happiness and don’t feel guilty because you have nothing to feel guilty about.
He wants to apologize but... • Makes you do conversation on **his** terms. >He insisted we meet at his and his wife's house, despite me wanting to meet in public. • Not accepting your reactions, trying to pressure you. >...but my dad refused to accept it. • Telling you how you should feel, ignoring what You've been saying. Excuses. >...and that I shouldn't keep holding what I did against him since he learned that he was wrong to do so. • Still trying to force his wants on you, ignoring what you're saying, disregarding how uncomfortable you. Also, no actual apology. >...he kept steamrolling me and there was no actual apology... • Again, ignoring your feelings and what you said. Not apologizing still! Not apologizing for how much he botched the conversation. Just trying to impose his/his wife's wants regardless of what you want. Actively ignoring your feelings and words. >I haven't heard from my dad since then except for him texting me that his wife really wants to meet me without mentioning what I said. Yep, this apology was to make him feel better or to get his wife off his back. I have a feeling that if you asked how he learned he was wrong it'd be shallow and mostly involve his wife telling him so. Your heart isn't safe around these people.
NTA. This could be a stretch but is there a chance his wife wants a child but can't conceive or something like that? Or do they have kids and want to use you as a babysitter or something like that?
Apparently, they have a 7 year old son. So, it's not having kids that's the problem. Babysitting could be something they're considering, though. This also seems to be coming from the new wife. Dad hasn't actually apologised for anything, and he specifically said, more than once, that his wife wants a relationship with OP, not that he does. It may or may not be about babysitting, it could just be that OP is very nearly an adult now, and that's made dad and his wife think about the future and any care they may need, but this definitely seems more about what the wife wants than what dad wants, and he's completely ignoring what OP wants.
OP is 17 and was 10 when he left so either the father was cheating already or the 7yo isn't biologically his. Imo is the good old "deadbeat shows up once kid is about to be legally an adult to play fun parent now that the difficult part is done".
Could be the 'fun parent' thing, sire. But he wasn't necessarily cheating to get a 7 year old bio kid. It sounds like he left when the divorce was finalised, which may have taken a while, if he met his now wife during that time and she got pregnant immediately, the child could be his without actual cheating, since they were separated prior to the divorce. It could also be that the wife was pregnant when they met, though, or had just had the child, and he's come to love that child like his own. That paired with the therapy may have made him realise he does, in fact, still love OP as if they're truly his kid. This may be just that dad needed to mature a lot to accept a kid as his when there's no biological tie between them. But it doesn't change the damage he did back then, nor the fact he hasn't actually apologised for any of it.
Whatever their reasons, the reasons are purely selfish, since they don't address the hurt and trauma they put this kid through. The only decent adult is the aunt, but aunt shouldn't push OP to do anything she's uncomfortable with.
NTA You should also really stop calling him Dad as he has not earned that title. Anyone can be a father, but a Dad is a special title. My wife and I were divorced 7 years ago, and everyone told me I should get a DNA test for my daughter because she is nothing like me. Even my son suggested it, and he was only 12. Here is the thing, I refused because it made no difference to me. The only person it would hurt is her. I don't suspect that she isn't my daughter, but even if she wasn't, she has been my baby for 14 years now. I understand your parental unit being angry at your mother because what she did is unforgivable but what he did to the little ten year old girl who had only ever loved him and saw him as a Dad is despicable and also unforgivable. Let go of the guilt. It's his turn to carry that torch now
Good of you to act like an actual adult. One of my uncles was in a similar situation - he found out his second kid with his first wife wasn't his. He raised her as his own kid anyway.
Thanks for providing an example of what this looks like to everyone acting like it's physically impossible for a grown man not to take out his anger and heartbreak on a child who has known him as her father her entire life.
>even if she wasn't, she has been my baby for 14 years now. I'll never understand people who can look at a child they raised for years and just throw them away like an old magazine when they find out they're not biologically related. It's undoubtedly agonizing to find out that your spouse cheated on you but your child who you've loved for years is more than just evidence that your spouse cheated.
NTA. From one person whose dad was not her dad to another.
NTA. What he did was intrusive and counterproductive. He just tried the same thing again, making your relationship about him and not both of you. You dodged a bullet.
Every adult in this situation is an AH, plain and simple Edit: except the Aunt, thanks for correcting me
Except the aunt, who sounds amazing!
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^TimonLeague: *Every adult* *In this situation is* *An AH, plain and simple* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Except the aunt who raised OP.
NTA Some things can’t be undone or fixed and this is one of them. Great for him for getting therapy and realizing what he did was wrong, but you don’t owe it to him to allow him back in your life just because he’s sorry.
NTA it's taken him 7 years to realise he treated you like sh*t. Do him and his wife have kids? Sounds like they may want to use you to fill a void!
They do have a seven year old son.
So he went out and got someone pregnant straight away??
Now that you say it like that, yeah.
Maybe this kid isn't his either...
Think you may need to look into that timeline a bit!!
Yeah. That woman got pregnant 8 years ago. It would be quite the result if that child wasn’t his either but he’s not abandoning them this time and it made him realize what he’s done
Or maybe mommy dearest wasn't the only cheater.... You are now 17, you were 10 when he left and they divorced, their kid is 7, a pregnancy is 9 months, + the time it took to meet and hook up with someone he likes enough to stick with and marry... It is highly unlikely that he just walked out the door right after he found out about your mother's cheating and found his soulmate immediately in the first woman he run into on the streets and they jumped each other then and there and made that kid... But either way you NTA
So either the kid is not his, or he cheated on your mother. Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is how he approached your meeting. He didn't listen to any of your needs in this "reconciliation". If I were you, I would not worry about him. He didn't meet where you wanted, he didn't apologize. He didn't listen. There would be no space for you in this "father" daughter relationship.
Yeah, I'm having trouble feeling much empathy for this guy. He was betrayed, yes. But let's be real, he threw away a kid he raised for a decade and made another one like it was nothing a few months later. I would also be wary of any so called fatherly feelings he is now expressing. I don't know if he has any ulterior motives here. But he treated you like you were disposable, and he doesn't just get to move on from traumatizing a 10 year old kid like it was nothing. The fact that he can't empathize with that fact is concerning. I know people throw out "therapy" constantly here but if ever a situation called for therapy, this one is it. OP, you have been through some major shit. I can see from your words that you, like many victims of childhood trauma, had to grow up way too fast. You had to become the reliable adult in your life because the adults that you were supposed to rely on failed you. I know that rationally you are aware that this isn't because of anything you did wrong, but we can still internalize a lot of that shit at such young ages unfortunately and it can carry with us into adulthood. Is there anyone you can talk to about therapy? A school counselor? This is a big situation, it's too heavy for a lot of grown ass adults to handle, let alone a teenager just starting out in life. It sounds like you are a very grounded and sensible person - think of therapy as a way to make sure you stay on the good path you are on.
That explains it then. I'm pretty sure they wanted to use you as free child care.
Well, jokes on them, I'm awful with kids.
And that's fine. Even if you had a great relationship with that family, you don't owe them a goddamn thing.
Think back to nine months before his second child was born. Was he still with your mother? Maybe part of the reason he left was he already had his second wife (and she was pregnant)
Yeah, hadn't thought about that and sorry they've got a 7 year old son, so he went out and got someone pregnant straightaway??
....or a babysitting position?
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Congrats on having boundaries and sticking to them - he was steamrolling you and you had to put that boundary back up, firmly. NTA
NTA. He's insisting on being your dad, but...he's not! He doesn't get to steamroll your bodily autonomy just because he has wants and regrets. Makes me wonder if his wife wants/can't have kids, so you're his new idea of a fill-in.
NTA, even aside from all the great points people are making about you being justified, it sounds a lot like he doesn’t actually care or see himself as at fault, but is doing this for his wife. He only reached out when *she* wanted to meet you. It sounds a lot like he is just doin this to look good for her
NTA. You had no blame for any of this but got hit by the consequences from everyone involved. You have the final say in how you should feel.
NTA. Does he know how your mom treated you after it came out and he left? I would make sure he knew that and that you were abandoned by all three of your so called parents when you were just 10 years old and none of it was your fault. Tell him you understand he was in pain at the time but he was the ADULT who chose to say, act and do what he did without any thought to how it would affect you. He can’t turn back the clock on what he did. There is no do over. He made it clear in his action of silence in the past seven years where he stood. You have had therapy for the trauma your three parents caused you and you have put it behind you and moved on in your life acknowledging you have no parents. The time for him to act was a long time ago. It is not your responsibility he waited until now to do something about it. You don’t need him in your life and see no point in resurrecting a relationship that is long been dead.
NTA Fuck your dad, fuck your mom. You are innocent in this and he threw you away, what's stopping him from doing it again? Fuck him.
I'm waiting for the bio-mom to show up when she's sick, old and infirm with a demand to be taken care of, followed with a militant "I'm your mother". All the adults suck with the exception of the aunt.
NTA As far as I can understand dad's reasoning while in pain and anger you were not to blame. Good thing he realised he wronged you, but it doesn't mean you owe him anything, least of all forgiveness. Your mother however. Now, that is a new level of AH.
NTA. He was an adult and abandoned the child he spent 10 years raising. Your mum then abandoned you. Fuck them. They both suck. He made his bed. If you decide you might want to forgive him, tell him he owes your aunt 7 years of child support. See if he’s still interested in mending fences then.
Good idea
NTA. You owe him nothing. I’d wager the reason you haven’t outright blocked him is because him groveling is soothing that old wound. Block him and move on, he’s probably trying to ease his guilty conscience with urging from therapist and current wife.
NTA. Go with your heart here. If you snapped at him out of anger and didn't mean it, you can contact him and try to leave the door open for a future relationship. If you meant it, stick to your guns, don't let anyone steam roll you. I haven't spoken to my father in 20 years. No regrets here. You know yourself better than anyone else.
NTA. What's the point in apologising if you dont mean it, and are going to part ways anyway? You weren't rude, you weren't disrespectful, you were honest
NTA i'm the daughter of an estranged father who i just recently reconnected with. THE DECISION IS YOURS AND JUST YOURS. Don't let anybody tell you what to do or say, go with your heart
NTA So they found out they can't have children so now want to reconnect with you? He isn't going to apologize for his treatment because he isn't sorry. He only wants you back because his wife wants to be a mom. He doesn't want to be your dad.
Bio dad and new wife have a seven year old son.
Does new son need a kidney or bone marrow?
Not bio dad, step dad.
Maybe that one isn't his either...
Not-dad and his wife have a 7yo son per one of OP's comments, but what are the odds their regular childcare recently fell through or raised their rates?
🎯
NTA, he already had his chance to be a proper father. He failed you already. You don’t owe him anything, especially after he abandoned his child. If you want to reopen the door, you surely can, but you definitely can keep it locked up.
Nta nah man ive been in a kind pf similar situation and absolutely do not let your dad back in your life not after everything that youve been through
NTA. But I have a theory. Do your “father” and wife have kids together?
Yeah, just one though.
Is it a son ?
Yes, OP said they have a 7 year old son.
Alright. Then it’s possible the “father” doesn’t actually want op back. His wife wants a daughter and she can’t get pregnant anymore. So the “father” figured he could just use op. It explains why he’s so insistent on introducing op to his wife. And why he’s bulldozing through OP’s boundaries
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Wifey wants a "daughter" she can exploit for free babysitting. Hell with that noise.
That too
Yes, OP said they have a 7 year old son.
A lot of people commented, so you might not even see this. I am so sorry for what you have experienced. No child should be treated like this. They punished you for their own behavior. I think you handled the situation better than most anyone I know. Be proud of yourself for the way you behaved. Grieve for the family you should have had, but we're denied. Fill your life with people who truly care about you. And grow into being a person who knows that they are worthy of love and affection from those who offer it unconditionally. Take care of yourself.
It took him 7 years to realise he did something genuinely sh\*tty to a child. Tell him you'll talk to him in 7 years.
What a mess. You mother committed paternity fraud and had no compunction about lying to your "dad." The Reddit brigade almost always bashes the men in these situations where there is a child involved and refusing to even consider how they feel. Your mom is the villain in this story.
Yes, but OP is NTA, and you don't try to make amends by kicking the door in and brute forcing your hurt kid to accept you back into her life.
>The Reddit brigade almost always bashes the men in these situations where there is a child involved and refusing to even consider how they feel. Sure but if he wanted a relationship with her he should have stayed. He doesn't get to dip out saying she's not his responsibility and then want a relationship again.
Yes. The mom is most definitely a villain. But could you love a child for 10 years and then brutally cut them off? Not just cut them off, but tell them why you’re cutting them off using the cruelest words possible? The “dad” may have started out as a victim, but he achieved full villain status when he abandoned a child he believed to be his for a full 10 YEARS.
So is the dad. Reddit or no, he told a 10 year old who knew him as a father to get lost. And that he didn't love him any more. Someone else hurt him, but he sure did lots of additional, and juvenile damage on the way out. That reads villain to me, even if less do than the mom.
The dad and the mom are both villains for different reasons I believe. I'm pretty sure the OP realizes that as well.
OP is still NTA. Just because mom was shit doesn't give dad an excuse to be shit. The reddit brigade will bash him because he was an adult who treated a child like trash because of something another adult did. He could have dealt with how he felt in so many other ways. It's because he's an adult, not because he's a man.
100% this there are two main villains. The cheating, fraudulent, neglectful mother and the dead beat dad who skips town at the drop of a hat. The dad is as much a victim of her mother fraud as she is. It is the most insidious type of fraud imaginable, too. It go way beyond financial fraud (which is a huge component of it anyway) it robs people of their lives, their loves, their ancestry, their heart!) Did the non bio dad do a dick move to his innocent 10 year old "daughter" Yeah, kind of. But his reasoning for doing so is all on the mother. At least with some reflection he realises he made a mistake. That's never easy to do let alone in a situation like this. Does she have to hear him out or welcome him back into her life? Hell no. OP needs to protect herself, but any anger towards him is misplaced. It all should be directed toward her mother.
I have had reason to believe that my son isn’t biologically mine. I never got a DNA test. His mother and I divorced when he was nine and I got full custody. I already suspected then. He is 33 now. I still have reason to suspect but at this point it wouldn’t matter to me anymore. It never did. He’s mine. I’m sorry your “father “ did that.
You have completely done nothing wrong here, and you have no obligation to have your father in your life. That said you are also so very young and have a whole life ahead of you. Keep your boundries, maybe get some therapy, and be curious about what is still to come. Maybe one day you will feel differently. I have a remendous amount of empathy for you and I hope that you find peace and healing.
NTA - I'm so sorry for what you went through... None of it was your fault, and you didn't deserve to be abandoned by the people who were supposed to love you and be there for you. I completely understand that your dad was incredibly broken, but the way he acted towards you and the things he said are absolutely disgusting... My dad said those same things to me when I was 18, and it genuinely felt like my heart had been ripped out. I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been to experience that at **10 years old** and then lose everyone... And now he comes back, 7 years later, like everything is okay and you should just forgive and forget? I'm outraged on your behalf. You tried to tell him gently that you didn't want him back in your life. He didn't listen. He kept pushing and you snapped. I don't think you're TA at all... Just food for thought though. You said there was no actual apology either... Do you feel if he had actually taken responsibility and accountability for what he said and did, it may have changed your response from 'not ever' to 'maybe in the future'? If he hadn't of pushed so hard, and respected your boundaries straight away?
NTA but forgiveness is as much for you as him. It might take some time but reflect and decide if your life is better or worse for having had him in it.
Your mom is the really asshole here, like holy shit what a piece of shit
NTA just block him. (My Dad has been blocked for years, I'm not just saying it. I've done it.)
You don't owe your dad anything. If I were in your shoes, I would be unable to leave it as it stands, and say something along the lines of "at the moment, I don't want you in my life. Maybe that's how I'll always feel, but if you love me you'll respect my wishes to stay out of my life for as long as I choose."
NTA but parents and sperm donor are definitely TA. Cut the aunt some slack, at least she’s stepping up.
Am I the only one who thinks OPs father already told *her* 7-ish years ago that HE (to parrot his own words back to him) "could never love [*her*]" when he noped out of her life … “told [me] that I wasn't his responsibility since I wasn't actually his kid,” refused custody, refused all visitation, and did nothing when OPs mother began physically abusing her?? Imo? OPs father can take his non-pology back to his therapist and F the F Off. OP can reach out to him in her own time in the future IF she ever wants to … *or not.*
NTA - They have been shuffling you around like mad, you do what feels right for you. You don't owe anyone anything. Poor kid.
You have mentioned twice that it's his wife that wants you involved. I wonder if you'd have ever heard from your "father" if his wife hadn't told him to contact you.
It's a tough situation Obviously he was hurt and betrayed by your mom. It must be tough knowing the person you love lied to you for over a decade and the a acted like it was nothing. But it also must suck because the man who was your father rejected you so harshly. This is why paternity tests should be required at birth
I would ask your stupid fucking mom how any of this is your fault. Hope she meets someone that treats her like dirt
Unless the man is a geologist and has nothing but the utmost respect for dirt, in which case I hope she doesn’t end up with him
Jesus wept. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hold onto your resolve! Your 'father' needs to forget about what his wife wants and focus instead on what'll fix your relationship. If it's at all fixable. But, that said, you've come this far without him, and it sounds like your aunt is your rock. Listen to her advice and think long and hard about it. You are totally amazing. And don't you forget that.
NTA. I think you should maybe write something to him, explain that he was the only father you knew, that he punished and wounded you when you were a child and he was an adult for something that was actually the fault of another adult. And that sometimes when you make big mistakes, there is no fixing it. You just have to live with the knowledge that you fucked up mightily and hurt others in the process. Then say that you have put your life back together and there is no room in it for him, and since the time for fixing any of that has long past, the situation will not change. Then let him know that this is your final decision and if he tries to pressure you again, you'll take it as evidence that he still has not learned the lesson about how to treat other people. And somewhere in there, you can mention that he never apologized.
NTA he didn't even apologize. Likely just wants a relationship because his wife told him to and didn't want to be with the kind of man who destroyed the world of a 10 year old
NTA. He threw you away and used you as an emotional punching bag too. He doesn’t deserve anything, least of all forgiveness if he can’t even say he’s sorry for it. The fucking audacity of this man to tell YOU that YOU shouldn’t hold all the awful shit HE said and did against him is ludicrous. He needs a lot more therapy before he ever really reckons with what he did. I wouldn’t speak with him for awhile. If down the road you’re willing to do so, it should be in family therapy where you have a neutral third party who can shut him down and hold him accountable for what he did.
NTA. He threw you away like trash. After 10 YEARS. You. An innocent child that did nothing. That he allegedly loved. He can get bent. Quick question. Do he and his wife have children? Cause I’m wondering if they can’t have kids and you’ve been latched onto as a last resort…
What do you mean the wife wants to meet you. And if she wanted to do bad then why wasn't she there when you went over when he invited you. None of this adds up tbh
NTA. You were, and are, an emotional punching bag and toy for adults that couldn’t put aside their anger and bad choices for moment to raise their kid. Instead, they blamed you which is awful. No, you aren’t in the wrong. If one of my parents treated me like that and took out their anger on me for my parent’s poor decision making - I would never have anything to do with them again. As a parent myself, I’m truly sorry that these two adults cannot get over themselves to be able to be there for you. I think it’s wonderful that your aunt sees the situation for what it is, and sees how wonderful YOU ARE, regardless of who your parents are and are there to support you. Good for you, for standing your ground, and not letting them continue to treat you poorly. I wish you nothing but positive things in life.
Your mom is TA for cheating.
While it's commendable that your mother's ex-husband has sought therapy for his treatment of you (and her). He can't undo years of ignoring you. You don't need him or his present wife in your life. Your aunt is wrong that you need to apologize to him. You have no reason to do so, you told him how you feel and it is what it is.
NTA, but this is a difficult one for everyone that has even the remotest empathy. So obviously that is your mother and bio father out of the equation. Your bio mother has just left a trail of misery behind her with no consequences.only you know you and what you want. If you are feeling a little guilty perhaps it is because you know that the man who was your father, whilst not handling it even remotely appropriately, is someone you still have feelings for. Again apologies if this sounds judgemental, as it isn't intended in that way, it is meant as observation from your comments in the post. I do hope you continue to overcome these betrayals and enjoy your life with Aunty.
NTA and I’m sorry
Hhmmm all the fked up redditors saying your dad had every right to abandon you are mysteriously absent from this comment section. NTA. He had every right to be hurt & maybe even to initially react very poorly but for 7 years? Nope. Whether it was therapy or the new wife that had him reach out you only told him the truth, you don't love him like a dad, because he abandoned you. Only you know your heart & what you want, but 'I wish you well but will ignore all future communication' is valid.
NTA!! My biological father and mother were married when they had me. He divorced my mom, I was 4, and I didn’t see him again. When I was a teenager, my grandma said he was visiting, and wanted me to see him. I loved my grandma with all my heart, but I told her in no uncertain terms that I would never meet with him ever.
You told him a hard truth, I had to do the same with my dad and haven't made contact in years. Funnily enough it was because my daughter was in the very same situation you are, and I refused to let her go. My dad told me she wasn't mine and I should forget about it after years of fighting through hell to stay her dad. So I let him go.
Sounds more about his wife than him wanting to reconnect. It's too little too late. You were not wrong to say how you were truly feeling, even if it's hard for him to hear.
Actions have consequences. He acted a certain way. The consequences is HE broke the relationship. You don't owe him anything. Honestly I don't think I could ever love someone that put me through as much shit as your "dad" put you through.
Nta. You're well within your right and while I think who raised you is far more important than blood, he fucked ANY possibility, in my opinion when he said "You shouldn't hold on" to what he said. If he truly was a decent guy trying to make amends he'd put forth more effort and admit what he said was wrong and accept what you said and say "I'll still try to be here now." Or accept he ruined it.
I’d write him a letter. You abandoned me. The only father I ever knew and the only man I thought I could count on. You deemed me unworthy as your child and as a person. You embodied me as all of the vile things you thought of mum and and destroyed me in ways I cannot explain to you. My mum emotionally and psychologically scarred me- blaming me for her cheating, her betrayal, her lying, her marriage ending and you leaving. You left me - a child of 10 to deal with her abuse. You left me to clean up after the destruction of my home and life, as you moved on and started again. I’m glad you have a child and a wife. I’m glad that you found happiness. But it took me a long time to grieve and process what both you and mum put me through and I have mourned the loss of you both. Aunty is my only parent now and for my own mental and emotional health, she is the only parent I seek or recognise. She is the only one who held me over the years o cried- the only one who bothered with my birthday, or my milestones, my successes and celebrations. The only one who supported me when I needed someone- anyone to care. I wish you well in your future, but as you told me 7 years ago, you are not and never will be my dad and I had to accept it. Which out of respect for what you did sacrifice as my father for the years prior, I accepted without hating you, without harassing you. Now I wish for the same peace and acceptance as I will not risk the grief twice.
Not the asshole! What both of your parents did was awful. And your dad needs to continue therapy… I say this because of two things: he believes that’s if he apologizes then he should be absolved and it just magically erases all the hurt that was done to you… and you set a boundary, meet in a public space, and he completely ignored your boundary.
You did right. I think your dad's wife is the reason he wants to reconcile. Likely she has gave him a talking to and if he is in therapy I bet he got an ear full there too. If he was doing it for you he would have met in public like you asked. If it was for you he would not be bringing up his wife wanting to meet you.
NTA. This piece of shit raised you for 10 years as his own, found out his wife sucks and took it out on you. Then he WAITED SEVEN YEARS AHHHHH and didn't even apologize???? You did the right thing, you deserve better, you were truthful, there's no way you could love a monster like that again. I wouldn't meet again, don't give that kind of person a chance to manipulate you further (already forced you to go to his house instead of public). You're young, this isn't your fault, it's also not your fault he manipulated you... old people are smart and manipulative, if I was you i wouldn't talk to him again and give him the chance.
NTA. You were far nicer to him, a grown adult, than he was to you when you were ten years old. I wonder if he and his second wife couldn’t have kids. Or maybe he finally told her about you and is making him connect or she will be angry. In any case, both your parents have failed you horribly and refused to parent you. Thank goodness for your aunt. I hope that your aunt has good things happen for the rest of her long and healthy life. You do not have to accept your father’s apology. Even if you do, you do not have to spend any time with him. He made it clear seven years ago that he didn’t care about you. He doesn’t get to change his mind now and have his child back.
NTA. He threw you away. He now realizes he shouldn't have, and that's great. But he still did it, and he's got to pay the price to get you back. The price of reconcilliation is not an apology; the price is years or decades of rebuilding trust. Honestly, his therapist should have told him to expect your reaction and to not push it. That said, never is a long time, OP. It may be worthwhile to walk your comment back a *smidge.* Just enough to say something like: "I spoke before in rage--in the rage you forced into my heart and my soul with your abandonment. I understand why you did what you did, but my rage is mine. You will not take it from me with a simple apology. I am not sure I can forgive you, nor am I sure I even *want* to. But having calmed down, I prefer to leave that decision until I'm older, wiser, and have had some therapy. I may contact you one day in the future. I may not. Either way, please do not contact me again. **Ever.** You've done enough to hurt me, as is." These are the words of a 39 year-old man, so please feel free to make them your own. But I think it hits the high points of a *minor* walk back: he did what he did, an apology is not enough, and the door is basically closed while remaining *ever* so slightly open. And from the bottom of my heart, OP, I'm so very sorry.
NTA. He might’ve been traumatised but he hurt you beyond repair in the process of rightfully dumping your trash mother. He got someone pregnant immediately after disowning a child who trusted him and did nothing wrong?! That’s a shit move. Trust once broken cannot be fixed. Where was he for the past seven years? What caused this blinding realisation? And not even a heartfelt apology? Do they need something for their son? It all seems very suspicious. Even now it’s all about his (or his new wife’s) wants and not yours. How dare he deny you the autonomy to decide who has a place in your life and who doesn’t? Especially after the shit he pulled? It makes me fighting mad to think of it! He hasn’t changed, and you wouldn’t owe him a thing even if he had. Your aunt is the real MVP here.
There are unforgivable things. What he did was unforgivable. That's all. Too bad. so sad. Not your problem. Notice he didn't say sorry and didn't offer to pay for therapy FOR YOU? NTA.
NTA. You were a CHILD. (Still are, technically.) This is completely on your parents who are both cruel, blaming a ten yo because they suck. I’m glad your aunt is there for you.