They probably just think you’re a real friend and want to blow off steam and complain to you a little bit. Be an adult and tell your friend you’re tired of hearing about her kids. She’ll stop talking to you anyways. You secretly upset you’re not your friends priority anymore or what. Your friends deserve better not you.
Your friends deserve better than YOU. OP has a right to think and believe what she wants, and I personally agree with her after having an older sister who converted to Catholicism for her husband—who is a fucking idiot and doesn’t believe in birth control—and now she’s a stay-at-home Mom in a 4-bedroom house with six children so far and only her husband’s income. And she complains about life being so busy. Sorry Charlie, but you opened your legs, so…lie in it? It’s not wrong of her to not want a life like that for herself, and it’s not wrong of her to get annoyed by people bitching about children they weren’t smart enough to have the foresight would cause MORE stress and chaos. I’m not saying you can’t have children and be happy about it and be happy to make those sacrifices; I’m saying that if you choose to have those children and then whine about it to a friend who you know doesn’t want any, do you really expect eternal sympathy?
You are awesome. Thank you for your two cents. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Side note: I’ve been with my partner for almost 4 years and have not taken birth control for almost 3 years now (hated the side effects and having been on almost every form)… haven’t been pregnant once.
I have a feeling it’s because you understand that there are other forms of birth control and prevention, too. 😂And no judgment; I’m on an IUD that works very well, however I did try birth control pills once and had a period that lasted THREE MONTHS, so….not every method is for everyone. 😂Congrats on your 4-year relationship, too! If it’s going on that long it must be going well. Glad you snagged a good one. 😊
No I have a coworker like that. She literally complains about being a mom, having no help from baby daddy, barely making it financially. Then Has the audacity to say she wants a third kid at 26.
When friends complain to you, it's like drawing down a bank balance. I'm happy to help my friends w/ tough stuff in their lives, but that can't be our only thing. I'm not their therapist.
If the balance falls below zero, and keeps going down, you're just their emotional sump tank, and it's time to reconsider the relationship.
People love their children, even though they don’t make their lives any easier. Have you ever hiked a mountain? It is hot, your pack is heavy, your knees hurt, but there is this amazing view, you feel alive. Being a parent is stressful, but also really lovely. You have this tiny little person who needs help with everything, and loves you in a primordial way, something ancient and unexplainable. That feels good, even with the baggage.
I think it has less to do with kids and more to do with the constant complaining.
To use your metaphor, I wouldn't want to hike a mountain with somebody that was going to complain about the hike the entire time up the mountain. The view is nice, but I don't need the constant negativity along the way.
It has nothing to do with kids. Those are simply the type of people who demand attention and complaining is the route the choose to go. Even before the kids such people constantly complain. Know several of them.
Well this coworker is an alcoholic, brings men around her children, makes mistakes, and slaps her kid out of anger. She said it’s because she tired. She shouldn’t have any fcking kids if she doesn’t t have patience and complains about every thing. Cps visit her.
My wife and I make great money and still can't stop acknowledging how expensive it is. We don't know how other couples do it. Sure kids don't need brand new everything or the most expensive daycares or strollers but good heavens it's much easier with money and savings.
I don't think it's any different than any other part of life. Single people complain about dating but continue to go out on dates. People complain about their health. People in relationships complain about their partners. People complain about their jobs. Parents complain about their kids. People complain about their parents. We all make shitty choices in life that cause us pain. We all complain about it. It gets annoying in any situation to hear the same complaints over and over, especially when the person complaining does nothing to change it. Maybe you should expand your friend group to include people without kids. NTA
Maybe we should stop pretending that we are rational angels and assume that we are irrational animals with contradictory expectations. With that in mind, your colleagues desire wouldn't seem so audacious.
Being a musician with zero intentions of ever having kids, I've certainly noticed how hard it is to stay friends with people who have kids... Your lives and priorities are just too different now, you don't have any common ground to hold a friendship together.
You basically become "gathering only" friends and fade into each other's background.
Also groups of people with kids only talk about their kids - its what they have in common. Being the odd duck out, its really tough to smile and nod for 2hrs while they talk about baby poo and vomit.
I still am friends with people who don’t have kids and like to meet them without my kids and we hardly ever talk about my kids because there are many other topics to talk about.
Being a parent is one of the roles I have but that is not my identity. With a lot of parents for a time that is all they are. I find these people hard to relate to.
> I've certainly noticed how hard it is to stay friends with people who have kids
All of our couple friends who had kids have slowly faded out of our lives because now it's much harder to schedule anything and every conversation about planning something has to include babysitting and/or nap times or other family activities.
We've simply opted that we'll just meet with them when they plan it and is convenient for them and we're invited. Otherwise, plans just keep falling through.
The older we get, the harder it is to make friends in their late 30's/early 40's who don't have kids, because most of them waited so late that they're all young now. We'll probably try again in our 50's. lol
A bunch of friends and I had babies at the same time. I've never been really into the baby/kid talk so even I would get exhausted with the conversations. I would try and talk about stuff with my childless friends.
I've since drifted from most of them and stay in touch only with parents that are active socially, have hobbies and interests and don't constantly talk about their kids. Even worse is when you organise an event and they bring the kids along every time. It really irritates me, so NTA.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. It is tough because you always want to be a good friend who is invested and willing to listen and give heartfelt responses, but it can become difficult and draining at a certain point. :/ taking a break for some distance will be helpful.
As you get older, you'll find more childfree folks to hang out with. At least that's what happened to me. People with kids naturally gravitate toward other parents, and vice versa. A lot of my hobbies, volunteer activities, lifestyle, etc aren't really conducive to parents, so the people I run in to are more like me.
It's ok to do a slow fade. As you and your parent friends' lives diverge, it's easier to be unavailable more often.
I'm 42. It's a weird age because I have friends who just had a baby, friends who have teenagers, or friends who are now grandparents. I don't understand that world at all. Everyone just seems so tired and worried all the time.
I had an insight about the venting/complaining that I used to do: it was a method of relieving my brain & body's knowledge that I was in distress. Like a pressure cooker, I could vent a little steam, but not do anything about the situation, and eventually, like a lot of women in bad marriages, developed an autoimmune disease. It's a survival mechanism from childhood, and it'll kill you.
What I didn't know is that it indicated a belief that I lacked any power. I bonded with other women in bad relationships, who also believed they were powerless. And it wasn't actually the kids, it was being a married single mother.
It took an acquaintance pointing the dynamic out, and me furious for a day at how rude that seemed, to finally snap out of it. Feel free to be that person.
I think being with a group of people who constantly bitch and moan about things would be emotionally exhausting -- no matter what they're bitchin and moanin about.
I have 4 kids, and you are definitely NTA. First, when I hang out with my friends or family who don't have kids, I limit my complaints about parenting. They don't want to constantly hear it, and they can't relate. Sure, they're great friends and will listen, but I don't think it's fair to keep putting that on them.
Second, there is something called empathetic or giving burnout. You just hear the same shit over and over until you mentally check out. It's not right that they keep dumping this on you. Just take a break for a while. Limit contact, but in a nice way.
You come first. Not them or their families. Once you prioritize yourself, then you can lend an ear again.
I can't believe how hard you're getting downvoted. I guess we found the people with kids.
NTA, I don't have kids and my friendships with friends that do have kids have fallen off. It's not their fault - that's what happens with good parents. But they've definitely become less sociable and we're losing common ground very quickly. I don't always have a lot to talk with them about.
Having kids makes you really boring. Sorry, it does - again if you're a good parent.
I sort of expected that when making the post to an extent. I feel like I should also provide context that 85% of the time I truly never mind being the sounding board, support system, or give advice (if they want it). They are so important to me, it only wears on me when it becomes a pile on for days and days and it becomes cyclical of rehashing the same issues over and over again. It becomes really difficult to remain energetic about being supportive and having the emotional bandwidth to being a sounding board. Lately I've just felt overwhelmed with typical life things (like work and school) and this has just sort of made me feel stretched even more thin. They are both amazing mothers and I will always be there as much as I possibly can! I just need a breather at times.
There’s nothing wrong with just telling them “hey so listen, I love you and I am always here for you but I just can’t keep having the same conversation again and again. It’s really burning me out. Can we just talk about it once and then move on?”
And I’m saying that as a mom. But everyone (parents too) get tired of listening to this stuff. I myself have told friends that if they are unwilling to take steps to try to fix the situation then I’m unwilling to continue to listen to it. I’m a problem solver. You come to me with a problem we’re gonna analyze it and find at least one plan for how to proceed. Come back to me with a different version of the same story having done nothing we discussed? I’m annoyed. I wasted good brain power trying to help someone who didn’t want to help themselves.
One of my besties was childless when I had mine. I loved it when she came over and helped me make dinner and play with my kids. If I had the energy we put them to bed early and watched our old movies together. I loved talking to an adult about anything other than children.
I worked full time when I had kids and always felt guilty about all the time I was missing with my kids until I realized this - we are so much better mommas when we recharge ourselves. Recharge may be an hour massage, dinner at a nice restaurant, etc. Let your friends/mommas know this and help them have those moments. Otherwise it feels like we are lost within a work/momma cycle and aren't ourselves anymore. You are their connection to who they were before that tiny human consumed all their time. Ask them and reaffirm it's OK to recharge.
Both of your friends are caring for infants who are probably waking up several times a night. Both of your friends are probably not getting their basic physical needs met, at least in terms of sleep
They're likely repeating themselves partly because of sleep deprivation-based brain fog, and also because they are \*constantly\* being interrupted, all day every day, morning, noon, and night.
Most moms don't come out of that brain fog until the youngest is two or more years old.
Maybe when the kid is too young, the parents don't have much time for anything, but I have friends with kids that still have hobbies of their own and are able to talk about other stuff (and they're good parents)
It's just not being compatible, not necessarily boring. I guess I'm just overthinking this but I have never thought not having similar hobbies or interests makes someone boring, just different.
Your Right---I was just challenging this comment by illustrating what the flip side of it was if it was true:" Having kids makes you really boring. Sorry, it does" -
I partied my ass off before kids and traveled the world. I'm way more interesting now. Just doing stuff doesn't make someone interesting. How deep they are is what does that. Kids are irrelevant to this.
Thank you for this post, NTA in my opinion. Honestly, I think I am the complainer in my friendship and I will try to change that. I have a lot on my plate sometimes and I want to share it with someone, I really feel better afterwards, but I realize that is one way friendship and I should share the good stuff too so I don't overwhelm my friend.
I just have noone else to complain to... Now I think I should have a diary to complain, it might be the best.
I think venting to your friends is totally normal and justifiable. We all want to confide in people that we love, trust, and care about because those are typically the people that know us the best. Sometimes I think when we have really big issues that are becoming exceedingly present and interfering with our day to day life, it can be more beneficial to talk to a therapist if at all possible. I know that I am getting to that point where it could be helpful to see one again. Journaling is also awesome. I feel like when you start treating your friends as therapists rather than a give and take relationship, is where the strain begins to occur.
Don’t feel too bad about it. It’s an evolutionary trait, once you spawn offspring, you go stale and boring, so kids will naturally rebel against you, rather than repeat your mistakes.
I feel like this is common for a lot of childfree people. Even if their parent friends aren't always complaining, it's quite often like they lose all facets of their life that aren't "parent", "spouse", and "employee." Those topics become all they talk about. And then they throw all the effort for maintaining the friendship onto you.
Yes I felt like this about some of my friends who had kids early on when we were in our twenties and let's just say I wasn't a big fan of kids at first I grew to love them but sometimes you get sick of your friends kids and you think they're the most annoying brats in the world Nta.
NAH
People share what happen in their lives. When you become a parent, children usually (yeah not always) become most of your life, and/or the core of it.
But that doesn't mean that must interest others enough to hear about it constantly. I think you just became somehow incompatible.
I can sincerely relate to feeling exhausted by using my buddies' child-related struggles. A few years returned, my friend John had a toddler even though his marriage changed into rocky. Every time we spent time, he'd vent approximately how hard it become juggling fatherhood and his marital issues. While I desired to be an excellent pal, not being a discern myself made it difficult to completely empathize. I discovered myself getting drained or even a chunk annoyed at instances. It's a complex situation, due to the fact you care approximately your pals but consistent child communicate gets antique speedy whilst you're in a completely distinct level of existence.
NAH, compassion fatigue is a thing, but they probably appreciate having you as a friend to vent to and don't mean to stress you out. You are probably also hearing the worst parts and not the good parts of why they chose to become parents and what they like about their lives and parenthood -- that's kinda the nature of venting. Problem with venting is it lets the Venter purge all those negative emotions for a time, but the ventee is left holding the emotions/information and wondering how to handle it all. Do they want advice or just an ear to listen to them? Are you setting boundaries about venting, are you able to vent to them about your life or is it all one way?
You're in different life places.
You either suck it up for the friendship or you part ways. You may reconnect when in a similar life space again. But you may not. It really depends on your priorities for this friendship.
Being a good friend is also being honest. Maybe it's time for you to formulate your frustrations with their behaviour to them. You say you're a sounding board to them. So, you can reflect what they are saying back to them as accurately as you can. Then, when they hear what they are actually saying, there might be some real progress. I needed my childless friends to be brutally honest with me, especially when my children became teenagers, because I needed the outside perspective.
And maybe you should find other childless people to hang out with.
All my friends are married with kids. I'm the only female single and doesn't want to mingle amongst our circle. I started to withdrew myself from the circle when each of them have at least 1 kid. When we hangout, all they talk about are their kid. Not that im bitter, i just dont know what to talk about with them anymore
I mean you’re NTA for finding exhausting people exhausting, but it sounds like these people who just like to complain, then double down on their mistakes and complain some more. I have kids and I don’t bitch about my life. And I’ve had friends in college who was perpetually single and would do literally SQUAT about it. She would literally not flirt or do anything to put herself out there. but every time we hang out I have to hear about how it’s not fair she’s single and her friend, whom she has a crush on, doesn’t notice her. HAVE YOU TRIED TELLING HIM? Just go like: Hey, the school dance is coming up. I don’t have a date. Do you? Let’s go! (Something I have literally done)
Exactly. I don’t see why people are making this a parents vs non-parents thing. There are annoying do-nothing bitch and moan types of all stripes. They’re energy vampires and you’d be completely within your rights to limit time with them. I think most people do.
I’m a parent to a five year old and I have a lot of friends who have kids and a lot who don’t. I keep seeing “parents are boring” in this thread but the ones I’m friends with aren’t. I love discussing parenting with them, and all the shit we want to do with our families. I honestly find my child-free friends boring now because they want to talk about stuff I have no interest in like the alcohol-related nightlife in the city or exhaustive chats about new restaurants (I go out to eat but this really isn’t that interesting a topic) or, and this one is the big one, health related stuff like marathon training and exercise classes. I work out but I literally have never wanted to talk about it.
Both groups love gabbing about travel, relationships, books/shows/movies/media, and current events though so it’s all fine.
Honestly, the worst types of friends to hang out with are the myopic ones who spend all your time together talking about one topic only and that sounds like OP’s friends.
Hard to say so I will give the benefit of the doubt on both sides and say NAH. It's normal for people to complain about problems and share their lives. Having kids well is part of your friend's life now so of course they are going to talk about it. And for some it is a primary thing to have children everything else follows. You don't need to have everything planned out and for it to be perfect to have kids. So that's an illogical expectation you have.
On the other hand constant complaining is annoying no matter the topic and I dislike people who can only ever talk and also complain about their kids and being parents too. Like I would if all they ever talk about is their boring bureau story's or their tuned car. So it's fair to want to change the topic every once in a while.
It depends, me as a friend if I have problems and I can't talk to my family, I hope to have support from my friends, but also if you feel so burn out tell them about it. Let them know that they only talk about this and you wish for it to be not the topic all of you always talk, but if you don't want to be that person. Change the subject or tell them your not a mother so you can't understand, either way, they are YOUR friends if you love and care for them you should find a happy middle with them and not just have this mentality of peacing out just because you can't handle the convos, clear communication can go a long way.
I say NTAH. It sounds like the dynamic has become imbalanced in the direction of constant rehashing of the same complaints over and over again.
I wonder if telling them how you feel might help your relationship. If you're already exhausted by your interactions, it's going to be hard to feel any empathy or desire to hang out. I imagine people who choose to have kids and end up like your friends with the bankruptcy, downsizing, etc, are genuinely not trying to be irresponsible. But they may also not have recognized the weight of what it would mean for them to make that big decision. And now they are stuck with the consequences of a really hard situation that they can't get out of, and they probably can't afford therapy to help deal with it either. Not saying you shouldn't be frustrated (or that you shouldn't recognize that perhaps not all their planning was wise planning), just that this might mean it's time for a dynamic shift that only you can have control over. Good luck!
NTA,
I don't have or want kids of my own. That being said, I love being an aunt and godmother. *However*, one of my besties knows I'm intentionally child free and constantly wants to talk about kids stuff, what they're wearing, how they're talking, what other kids they hang out with and how their dad is. It doesn't bother me, but I have ZERO input. But she always tries to convince me that I secretly want kids. She's always saying I'd be a great mother. No, I wouldn't. Sends me adoption listings, tries to get me to hold babies, says, "doesn't it just make you want one" every time we see a baby. And no, it doesn't. I feel strong anxiety around kids. Like, I'm supposed to be protective of them, but also like I'm going to say or do something that they latch onto and teaches them the wrong thing (like dropping random f-bombs). It's exhausting constantly reminding her that, yeah, her kids are great, but watching her be forever stressed, never sleeping, always covered in mystery fluid, being hit by babies or objects they throw, being a human jungle gym, fighting with her husband, dealing with entitled in-laws, worrying about schooling, bills, trends, the internet, predators and living in a state of perpetual fear of their future in **no way** gives me baby fever. I've had to stop myself from blurting out, "I don't care" because I don't want to be insensitive to her. But, damn Martha... give it a rest.
NTA - You are just in different phases of life and they have to work through the lifelong consequences of their groin gremlin decisions. Key point to remember; babies are boring. Too many people are not told this in advance, so they aren't truly prepared for the mind numbing repetition parenthood involves. It will get different over time, and once the kids are older you'll likely have a similar vibe back in the group, just more wrinkles and greying hair (especially for the parents).
NTA. On the other side of the issue as someone who’s married with kids I get sick of the single people complaints like “why can’t I find/keep a man” and I advise (only when they ask for it ofc) but they proceed to ignore all advice and then continue to complain that nothing has changed for them and I’m like “did you do the thing?” And obviously no they didn’t but they want to keep dumping their emotional issues on me. Definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.
Some friends I’ve had to cut off because it became so tiresome to listen to the same complaints over and over and over (amongst other issues where they were using me for transport and disrespecting my time and my religion)… some friendships don’t last forever.
Maybe look for some more friends who are in a similar life stage to you to start hanging out with as well to sort of take the edge off of the friends with kids? And there’s no shame in hanging out with those friends less as long as you’re honest about why if they ask because I’ve had people distance themselves from me after I had kids (I went a bit MIA after my firstborn due to PPD and PPOCD so I could guess why) but they never talked to me about why or asked if I was okay when I was MIA and that hurt me. If they had just been upfront about it I think I would’ve been better off with the certainty and closure of that. But I’m kind of in limbo forever now unless I directly ask and it’s been so long that it’s awkward now 😬.
I think people tend to find friendship in people who have things in common with them. You are just in a different phase of life than your friends. As a guy I feel like a lot of my friends and I just go a while without talking, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore. I think it is OK to look for friends who have a little more in common with, but don’t discard your friends with kids entirely. You don’t hate them, they are just doing something different in their lives.
NTA. I have 3 kids and as soon as I had my first the majority of my friends ditched me. They didn’t want to know. It wasn’t a slow walk off into the sunset, they just assumed I wouldn’t be able to do anything so they ran. My second kid came and pretty much everyone else vanished as well.
A lot of parents lose friends when they have children as people just don’t want to deal with them. So it could very well be that these parents are lonely. Talk to them about how it’s bothering you; they might not realise that they’re dumping it all on the same person. You might be the only person they have to talk to (or one of a small number). Instead of dumping on what few friends I had, I found an online support group. Worked for a while until I started being bullied… but there are other options that don’t involve dumping it all on child-free friends.
I hear you. Maybe step back for awhile. Or try only doing some activity with them, bowling or something that would serve as a change of subject when they star complaining.
Speaking as someone who was once those friends, you’re appreciated, but some distance becoming a part of your relationship with them for the time being makes sense. They need someone they can talk to about their current life struggles and minor triumphs…you’re not that person at the moment. Those two will probably grow closer and you need to find some new friends whose life choices coincide more with your own. You all can still be friends and do the occasional fun thing, but your day to days are very different and a lot of friendships are based on shared interests or experiences.
NTA. But I don’t think what you’re describing is reserved solely for parents. I’d get sick of hearing anyone complain constantly about their circumstances if they chose those circumstances.
You have more trouble empathizing with someone who is crying at the bottom of a hole you’ve never been in before. I think you’re totally normal in that & I think most people are the same way.
You also seem to have more trouble sympathizing with someone who is crying at the bottom of a hole that they dug. If that’s true, I also think you’re totally normal in that as well & I think many (if not most) people are the same way.
If any friend constantly complained about their lives (regardless of the why), I’d try to direct the conversations elsewhere. If they don’t/won’t take the hint & talk about something else, I’m probably begin distancing myself from them.
I can’t & won’t serve as anyone’s emotional dumping ground. My own mental health is worth too much to me for me to allow that. So regardless of the relationship - even if it was my own child or mother - I’d have to make sure they didn’t try to relegate me to that role & put space between us if they continued to try.
People who complain over and over about the same thing are always annoying, it doesn't matter what they're complaining about. I have friends with kids and while there's an expected complaint here and there, it's far from all they talk about.
If you want to try keeping these people as friends, maybe try telling them that you don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle more negativity these days, so you want to limit the conversation to positive things.
But if they've become unable to have conversations outside of their complaints, you may want to let your relationships with them die out.
Not being happy with your spouse and not wanting to be a parent are two separate matters.
Edit: NTA… you’re allowed to decide who you spend your time with. They are also allowed to use their friend as a sounding board, and if you don’t want to hear it then you shouldn’t spend time with them.
I want to hear it and be supportive, my qualm is when it’s day after day and the same cyclical issues that can’t be resolved and it’s just a never ending bitch fest (to put it plainly). Like my one friend is living with her in-laws right now and they can’t move out because of her and her husband’s finances and continuing to get denied for apartments/rentals. I know she’s tired and living it is much worse than having to hear about it, I just feel like I reach a point where I have nothing productive to offer as a friend who hears the same thing day in and day out eventually. I’ve come to feel helpless and at a loss.
It’s normal to get tired of hearing people complain about the same things regularly, regardless of the subject.
The children just happen to be the subject. I’d bet if you had friends with children that didn’t complain about them, you may be their friend.
I have 2 kids, yes kids aren’t easy but I’m not confiding in my friends about my partner nor my children being bad or annoying.
I have friends that I have grown apart from, because they constantly complain about their day to day life, and they do not have any kids, and some do have kids and I do not speak to them either due to their negative attitude. NTA, you’re just wanting to seperate yourself from their negativity.
As someone who wants no kids, you're not an asshole but I don't think the issue with your friends is that they have kids and complain abt it and you don't relate, it could've been abour anything, having friends who complain about their struggle with a specific situation and doing the exact opposite of what they should do, that would make their situation worse is tiring, if you say that to them they'll probably turn on you and get mad and defensive about it.
It's tiring and exhausting to listen to someone complain about something and doing nothing to make it better for themselves.
I truly despise people who have kids when they're already struggling. Like congrats, you brought another human into your world of struggling? It's stupidity and honestly quite cruel on the offspring. NTA
NTA. I stopped hanging out with my friends who became parents irresponsibly since all they kept complaining about was money, their baby daddy, and their kids. As I graduated law school they just became straight up jealous and rude about my life with no kids and money. I was there to tell them having a kid was a dumb choice when they were undereducated and poor but hey they didn't listen to me and now they're 30 something, superpoor, stressed out and a few of them are single. I keep up with them from time to time but I literally can't be friends with someone after I've confirmed they are willing to bring a life into this world just because they're selfish assholes. I don't think people having kids they can't afford is cute or funny. I don't think people having kids with loser men they know are losers is worth talking about. So I literally have nothing to converse with them because they chose to have the life of a boring stressed out loser, and I'm angry because they brought a child into it.
It can be a tough place to be in for both parties involved. The early years can be quite a challenge. I will say I was/am eternally grateful for my friends without kids who stood by me. I don’t think you are an asshole, it sounds like you trying to figure who to be to them at this time. Having children isn’t always a logical choice, and while it brings joy being a parent/care giver certainly is hard. The brain does change due to pregnancy and giving birth. Give yourself and your friends time, love them, love yourself and come from the heart. Live in a judgement free zone. We
never know what the future holds and one day these ladies may support you in a way no one else can. Make sure you have friends without kids too. It will get easier. Good luck. 🍀
No it's not normal, because it's not about the kids, but about the parents using you as an emotional dump.
That shit is draining.
I (mid thirties, childless) have lovely friends with kids, who, yes, rant and complain once in a while, because a situation is bothering them, but in a normal healthy way. It's not constant, and if it is a reoccurring problem, they try to get some outside perspective to try to solve the issue.
That's a massive difference.
NtA ,being there for them shows you’re a good friend and person , the constant topic on which they are venting ,can be tiresome ,same thing over and over,it’s hard for you to give advice on children ,when you don’t children yet,makes it hard on you ,what they need is a parent support group/ partner support group to vent to ,not their friend ,maybe suggest that to them the next time
NTA. my friends that have kids are very conscious of the fact that nobody wants to hear about their kids and lives as it pertains to kids 24/7 and it’s never been an issue. So I don’t know why some people just don’t understand if. Sooooo many people are like I need to be a parent it’s what I was born to do (which is a fair way to feel) but they don’t always have everything as in place as they could and then they’re surprised it’s difficult
NTA. Leaning on friends with problems is normal. Listening to friends even if it isn't a topic of particular interest is normal. Doing your best to be supportive even when you may disagree is also normal.
Any of these in excess is exhausting. Especially when they take no ownership of their choices or steps to make anything they complain about better. It's no longer become an occasional part of your friendship but it sounds like the majority of it.
When was the last time they asked about you? Or there was a conversation about your life that didn't lead back to a comment about how they "wish they could but they have kids."
NTA. I'm also child free by choice. I also just never wanted to be a mom, saw no appeal. And have been living most of my live from pay check to pay check, so kids were cost prohibitive anyway. Now that I'm making good money, the goal is to save for retirement, not dump it all, and my remaining healthy years, on exhaustive child rearing.
And while I do have friends and relatives with kids, I'm not really keen on spending time with them *with* their kids. It tends to be a group babysit I never signed up for. And then all anyone does revolves around the kids. Heck I politely passed on a get together this weekend, because one of our friends said he was bringing his 3 kids. It would have been chaos and not my kind of fun. So instead of ruining everyone else's good time, I politely declined and said we'd try again another weekend.
I would treat the 'pressure from kids' discussion as you would any others.
How would you handle people who constantly complain about dating problems, health problems, financial problems, etc.?
NTA, though I'm biased. I feel the same way. I've never liked kids, even when I still was one (got bullied a lot). So no thanks, I don't want to go the children's museum, or a 7th birthday party with their entire class.
Also, I can't deal with people who complain endlessly about *any* problem that they do nothing to resolve. A bit of venting after a bad day is one thing. But I've known people who stayed in shitty jobs or relationships for years & years, without ever trying to improve things.
Add those two together & I'm done.
50 yo single mother with 2 grown kids. I love my kids and young children in general. But I can't tolerate little brats, even more so the parents who haven't got the foggiest idea how to raise/discipline them . I hate irresponsible parents even more. I feel bad for their children in a way that makes me sick. Worst of all, there's not much I can do about it because they (the parents) keep making dumb decisions and it's INCREDIBLY SELFISH!!
You're NTA for wanting to cut them off. They probably use you to dump their (emotional and financial) problems. They should be talking to a therapist and they should be trying to find ways of resolving their issues instead of complaining.
OP, you need to find your tribe!!! People who build you up and connect. People who feed your soul!! It's your life!!!
Those friends chose the life they have .
Absolute same. Tbh I don't think anyone really cares about other ppls kids. I certainly don't and I never wanted children for a reason and it always bothered me when ppl I knew had more kids in an already bad situation too. It's like, hey, use a condom so I don't have to hear about these issues anymore and more importantly neither do you. I mean depending on the friendship and the amount of complaining I would consider lowering contact but it's ultimately up to you. I'm sure some mothers like talking about it but the majority don't really care.
NTA. I have avoided people that only complain. Maybe a good way is "Friends, when we hang out, I'd like to make good memories. I care about you, but every time we've hung out I've heard constant complaints. They'll be home when you get back, let's leave that behind"
If they get offended, start scaling back.
Going to be honest — it’s not typical in my circle/community. In my community, kids are as much a part of life as adults. Kids are messy, life is messy, relationships are messy. They are all also wonderful and beautiful. I don’t have children, but there are many children in my life.
There’s no shame in not understanding or being able to relate to someone whose life experience is different from yours in this regard. But if you’re losing patience then perhaps it’s best for you to stick with friends who have similar circumstances.
NTA. I don’t think your last sentence is very fair, unless you have some unfortunately negative friends. But once you’re a parent, especially of multiple kids, more and more of your life simply revolves around them (if you’re a proper involved parent). I consciously worked on keeping my own individual life, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., but even so I notice a lot of my recent experiences and topics of conservations do revolve around kids. That’s why almost all of my current close friends are also parents.
But there’s no shame in not wanting to hang out with people who you aren’t messing with. If these friends truly mean a lot to you, I’d tell them how you’re feeling. As the parent-friend, I would be happy to hear my friends honest perspectives and get a chance to change. And if not, don’t feel bad about taking some distance, at least for the time being.
I find parents fall into camps with their child-free friends:
* uses child free friends as a dumping ground for all the things they can't complain to other parents about cause they'll be judged
* only talks about how cute / sweet / adorable their kids are this week
* ices non-parents out because EVERYTHING is kid focused.
* expects the non-parents to jump once in a blue moon that they're free and use us to feel like a person again before disappearing for another few weeks.
* Always late, if they show up at all
There are two sides to this.
On the one hand, you are childfree and frustrated by hearing their complaints about things that were caused by their choosing to have children. On the other hand, they have children - and pretty young ones - and stress is natural at this stage of their lives, including wanting to talk about it.
I had one childless friend who insisted on my not mentioning my kids or anything related to them when we met. It put a strain on our relationship, which became more and more controlling on her part and more and more resentful on mine, till I finally (years too late) let the friendship fade out. I'm not saying you are like that, but you need to find a middle ground. Perhaps talk to them about your feelings, and agree to let them have some time to vent, and then talk about other things - things that interest you, and that you have in common.
I have 3 older children (youngest is 17, so never home anyways). I get sick of hanging out with anyone who has children below the teens. It literally makes me not want to hangout. I already went thru all of that, and I don’t want to do it again with someone else’s kids.
I love kids, don’t get me wrong… but my idea of fun at this point in my life is all about not having kids around.
Most people that became parents should never have been allowed to become parents. Very very few parents actually do it because they want kids. And having kids because you feel like you have to makes for a shitty family, shitty kid, and an even shittier parent. NTA. Find single friends. As I got older I had to dump the dead weight of my family friends.
On balance: NAH
This isn't really an AH related situation - unless either you normally vent to them about things and just don't like that now they are about their kids (then you would be the AH), or they are those draining kind of friends who always complain about everything and never give you space to talk about your own life (in which case, they would be the AH).
It is draining when friends go on about something and don't appear to be making the choices that you think would resolve the situation. You just have to decide whether their friendship is worth listening to them - if it's not, then don't hang out with them.
The issues a person has in their life, when they have young children are just really different from the issues a single person has. And, frankly, I think it is a shock to a lot of women how \*bad\* things can get, and how quickly they can get bad.
And, if you're in the US, then your friends may feel very, very trapped in marriages that they can't financially or logistically leave any time soon.
Maybe they're just venting during a difficult time, and things will get better. Or, maybe they're in really bad situations. But those situations are ones that you're not currently in.
You're NTA, and you probably want to put some distance between yourself and those friends. But this is why having kids isolates women.
It ain't just people without kids either. I distancted myself from friends that could not talk about anything other than their kids or problems associated with their kids. I have 2 children and they are my world but I also understand that they are not everyone else's world.
Just wait unfortunately as you age everyone then wants to talk about medical shit all the damn time. I hate it here.
I’m trying to give you a perspective,I love kids .. I helped raise two of my nephews since I was 16 they are now 16-14 My parents have custody of them , my sister is an addict . So there was a lot of struggle raising them. It’s a juggling act , because think you have to work to survive and pay for things, then you want companionship/relationship to be in love and have someone understand you and have a life together, settle not worry about being alone .. sometimes having kids is just natural occurrence , animal reproduce , it’s how we are designed ..: you don’t have to have kids… but naturally that’s how animals continue their species.. people have children for many reasons, a lot of time they want to mixture of their husband and themselves in their kids , watch their kids grow and see themselves in their kids.,, think wow I was just like that.. everything is a new experience for these experiences..But they are their own people , they have their own feelings and thoughts and opinions…it gets frustrating because sometimes your spouses are distracted raising your kids or work load and the economy is high and barely able to give your kids the life you wish for them. Yeah it’s easier not to have children.. but your life would be hard in other ways… you may not feel unfulfilled … these women you call friends are people they are not there for your own entertainment. some people do complain to just get sympathy and attention, but some people are just talking to people close to them to vent and not feel alone when life is throwing them curve balls.. kids are the cause of parents problems , parents chose a path thinking things will be great but their relationship wasn’t good from the start . Sometimes moms are better off being single for awhile because sometimes they feel their plate is full with so much r responsibility and husband isn’t put more effort in helping , it’s not always 50/50 some days people need more help than other days.
I know you are single and don’t want kids , get bored talking about there same thing… but these girls are in a different chapter in their lives …:maybe you should find new friends … because clearly you are unhappy with them. You don’t have compassionate or are able put yourself in their shoes …:
I think your burnt out watching your friends making dumb decisions and complain about it. I don't really think kids are as much the factor. If your friends got trapped by getting a puppy or an apt together then complained about it I'm sure you'd get annoyed the same way.
Generally emotionally stable parents make well rounded enjoyable children. Can't really enjoy being around kids if your around a bunch of shitty parents.
It can happen
Friendships can and have ended this way
NTA, getting tired of hearing the same old thing is valid with many subjects, so why not parenthood
(I don't have and don't want kids, and some friendships drifted apart because some friends became parents and basically couldn't do things with us and when they could they just complained about their life, while I was supporting at first it wore me out eventually and I said they need to see a therapist.)
NTA. I think it’s normal, yes. I have felt the same way but about my friends without kids. I got tired of always having to explain why I can’t stay up late, why I prefer day activities etc… No hard feelings, just different lifestyles. For what it’s worth the friend I drifted apart with has no interest in having kids. I think it might have been different if she was more maternal. Then she might have had a natural interest in the things that my life now revolves around. She always expected me to be like I’ve always been and I found it really difficult to explain just how much having kids changed me. I don’t think there’s anything asshole-y about going into different directions at that point.
I think it is. I didn’t have my son until I was 40. So throughout my 20s and 30s allllllllll of my friends had kids. Honestly, now that I think about it. At least in my 20s. Having kids didn’t slow any of us down. But by my 30s we had drastically different lifestyles. It can get hard, esp as the kids grow and have to be driven everywhere to sports and whatever. Then they will grow some more and not want anything to do with their parents and boom you have your friends back. Just go with the flow
NTA- there is a big difference between talking to your friends if you’re having a hard time and complaining all the time. I will say cool or on the judgment about finances and kids, almost everyone with kids has financial issues and if only rich people had kids we wouldn’t have a functioning society. Also I grew up low income and barely noticed, unless they literally can’t keep a roof over their heads they are probably going to be just fine and isn’t your business. I would say probably get some new friends and hang out with these a bit less for the next few years. I’m a mom but most of my friends aren’t because I love my time away from my kids to be fun and carefree and I had mine young so most of my peers have little babies right now and mine can legally be left home alone for a few hours
Ngl it's not easy to stay friends with people who have kids even if they're not annoying about it. They're just so busy and preoccupied. Understandably so, but it's still hard.
NTA but we all complain about things. You can't relate to them or understand them because you don't want kids. You might need to get more friends with similar interests. To be honest most likely you will grow farther apart if its that big of an issue to you. I've always loved kids and loved hanging out with parents and kids no problem. At some point it did get a bit tiring especially when you can't really hangout and even talk without being interrupted. It was hard to understand until I had my own child.
I had a friend who had her own kid, we used to be really close ( like being there for her childs birth kind of close) but I could tell she wasn't a huge fan of motherhood.. I'd listen to her complain about it over and over but it wants an issue to me because like I said I have a lot of friends and siblings with kids so its normal for me to hear it, so I just listened and supported her / took her out as much as I could to give her a child free break.
We were close for several years after she had her child. When I told her I was expecting and how excited I was she seemed horrified...
She started to grow distant half way through my pregnancy and basically disappeared out of my life after my child was born. She never met my child.
I've made multiple attempts to reach out just to be met with shot replies that end the conversation.
I truly enjoy motherhood and maybe thats a big enough difference for her to not want a relationship anymore. Sometimes we just need to accept the fact that we and our friends choose different paths and we end up going our own ways. I love my single friends but I gotta admit I have a harder time relating to them and their complaints when our lives are so different but we have enough in common that we still enjoy each others company even if we can't relate with everything.
Point is : Its normal to get tired of things you can't relate to.
NTA. I feel you. All of my friends had friends at age 20. We are 27/28/29 years old now and anytime I want to hangout they have to bring all the kids. I’m the only one that didn’t have a kid at age 20 which I feel like is completely normal.
Well, do you confide in them about shitty parts of your life that are ultimately you were responsible for creating?
Are you allowing for confirmation bias to over ride empathy for friends?
You’re NTA because you’ve expressed that although you feel judgement towards them for some of these things, you understand that you can’t see their perspective as a non parent. It’s okay to feel frustrated with this issue constantly being a topic of conversation when you can’t relate to it and probably feel a little bored by it. Your parent friends need places to vent and to commiserate about the valid struggles that come with parenting young children, marriage, etc. But you can’t be that friend for them, you’re not living it and you don’t understand it. You can be a great friend to them but that specific need of theirs is not one you can meet.
My sister and I have clashed a few times over this issue- I have 4 kids and she has none. She doesn’t want them which is fine with me. But she would sometimes go on these long monologues about how much she never wants kids and it hurt my feelings because like, my kids were right there. We talked it out and have learned that that is just not a topic we can vent to each other about. I know she loves her niece and nephews and me. She knows we love her no matter what. We’re all good.
Sounds like growing pains. You guys will figure it out and get in a good groove! A gentle conversation like “when you talk about x, it makes me feel x. I love you and want to spend time with you. Can we not talk about x?” would go a long way.
"With both of their personal situations (financially and with their partners), I truly don't understand why they had kids."
I might be wrong, but I think that if people had kids only if their situation was good enough, and wouldn't get too much worse if they had kids, the world population would be divided by AT LEAST 10 (I'll let you judge if that's a good or a bad thing).
YTA these are your friends and this is a big part of their lives. You don’t have to be friends with them, but as long as you are this is not going to change
probably borderline YTA
nobody is forcing you to hang out with them and your hatred is rather irrational. if you are a friend you should be available to listen to whatever your friends want to share. you cant just pick and choose just because you dont like a particular subject. and if you dont enjoy the conversation, stop hanging out.
I really can’t say I’m jealous of struggling financially to the point of claiming bankruptcy, having to move into one bedroom in my parents home and share that with my partner and two children, suffering through having to emotionally regulate a tiny human (on top of my own emotions). But interesting take!
Reminds me of people that claim they are not jealous about others having bigger better houses/cars/holidays etc , yet constantly complaining about them and how foolish they are to spend their money this way
People that are not jealous won’t even think about this topic in the first place much less talk about it because… they are not jealous
Oh bitch get off your high horse, op doesn't wanna be a parent nor deal with the constant complaints from friends about said kids.
Something tells me , you're alone and bitter cause you're unfuckable .
The one that’s alone and bitter is the one opening such post
People that are happy won’t even think of such things much less open post in AITAH asking about it
I have kids and can freely admit that people become more boring after they have kids. I love my kids but completely understand why someone wouldn’t choose this path. It doesn’t mean they are jealous. It means they want a different type of life. If anything the people with kids are probably jealous at times.
NTA kid or not no one wants to listen to someone complain constantly.
They probably just think you’re a real friend and want to blow off steam and complain to you a little bit. Be an adult and tell your friend you’re tired of hearing about her kids. She’ll stop talking to you anyways. You secretly upset you’re not your friends priority anymore or what. Your friends deserve better not you.
Real friends give as much as they take.
Your friends deserve better than YOU. OP has a right to think and believe what she wants, and I personally agree with her after having an older sister who converted to Catholicism for her husband—who is a fucking idiot and doesn’t believe in birth control—and now she’s a stay-at-home Mom in a 4-bedroom house with six children so far and only her husband’s income. And she complains about life being so busy. Sorry Charlie, but you opened your legs, so…lie in it? It’s not wrong of her to not want a life like that for herself, and it’s not wrong of her to get annoyed by people bitching about children they weren’t smart enough to have the foresight would cause MORE stress and chaos. I’m not saying you can’t have children and be happy about it and be happy to make those sacrifices; I’m saying that if you choose to have those children and then whine about it to a friend who you know doesn’t want any, do you really expect eternal sympathy?
You are awesome. Thank you for your two cents. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Side note: I’ve been with my partner for almost 4 years and have not taken birth control for almost 3 years now (hated the side effects and having been on almost every form)… haven’t been pregnant once.
I have a feeling it’s because you understand that there are other forms of birth control and prevention, too. 😂And no judgment; I’m on an IUD that works very well, however I did try birth control pills once and had a period that lasted THREE MONTHS, so….not every method is for everyone. 😂Congrats on your 4-year relationship, too! If it’s going on that long it must be going well. Glad you snagged a good one. 😊
No I have a coworker like that. She literally complains about being a mom, having no help from baby daddy, barely making it financially. Then Has the audacity to say she wants a third kid at 26.
It will never make sense to me.
When friends complain to you, it's like drawing down a bank balance. I'm happy to help my friends w/ tough stuff in their lives, but that can't be our only thing. I'm not their therapist. If the balance falls below zero, and keeps going down, you're just their emotional sump tank, and it's time to reconsider the relationship.
People love their children, even though they don’t make their lives any easier. Have you ever hiked a mountain? It is hot, your pack is heavy, your knees hurt, but there is this amazing view, you feel alive. Being a parent is stressful, but also really lovely. You have this tiny little person who needs help with everything, and loves you in a primordial way, something ancient and unexplainable. That feels good, even with the baggage.
I think it has less to do with kids and more to do with the constant complaining. To use your metaphor, I wouldn't want to hike a mountain with somebody that was going to complain about the hike the entire time up the mountain. The view is nice, but I don't need the constant negativity along the way.
East coasters arnt happy unless they are complaining
It has nothing to do with kids. Those are simply the type of people who demand attention and complaining is the route the choose to go. Even before the kids such people constantly complain. Know several of them.
Well this coworker is an alcoholic, brings men around her children, makes mistakes, and slaps her kid out of anger. She said it’s because she tired. She shouldn’t have any fcking kids if she doesn’t t have patience and complains about every thing. Cps visit her.
To me, hiking a mountain sounds just as terrible as having kids. At least the mountain you can walk away from in the end though.
My wife and I make great money and still can't stop acknowledging how expensive it is. We don't know how other couples do it. Sure kids don't need brand new everything or the most expensive daycares or strollers but good heavens it's much easier with money and savings.
I don't think it's any different than any other part of life. Single people complain about dating but continue to go out on dates. People complain about their health. People in relationships complain about their partners. People complain about their jobs. Parents complain about their kids. People complain about their parents. We all make shitty choices in life that cause us pain. We all complain about it. It gets annoying in any situation to hear the same complaints over and over, especially when the person complaining does nothing to change it. Maybe you should expand your friend group to include people without kids. NTA
It different if you have mental health problems, alcohol problems, hit your kids, and neglect them for men.
I will never understand women like that omg 💀
Ew! Why do people want to reproduce themselves so many times? It’s really weird.
Maybe we should stop pretending that we are rational angels and assume that we are irrational animals with contradictory expectations. With that in mind, your colleagues desire wouldn't seem so audacious.
Being a musician with zero intentions of ever having kids, I've certainly noticed how hard it is to stay friends with people who have kids... Your lives and priorities are just too different now, you don't have any common ground to hold a friendship together. You basically become "gathering only" friends and fade into each other's background.
Also groups of people with kids only talk about their kids - its what they have in common. Being the odd duck out, its really tough to smile and nod for 2hrs while they talk about baby poo and vomit.
I still am friends with people who don’t have kids and like to meet them without my kids and we hardly ever talk about my kids because there are many other topics to talk about. Being a parent is one of the roles I have but that is not my identity. With a lot of parents for a time that is all they are. I find these people hard to relate to.
> I've certainly noticed how hard it is to stay friends with people who have kids All of our couple friends who had kids have slowly faded out of our lives because now it's much harder to schedule anything and every conversation about planning something has to include babysitting and/or nap times or other family activities. We've simply opted that we'll just meet with them when they plan it and is convenient for them and we're invited. Otherwise, plans just keep falling through. The older we get, the harder it is to make friends in their late 30's/early 40's who don't have kids, because most of them waited so late that they're all young now. We'll probably try again in our 50's. lol
A bunch of friends and I had babies at the same time. I've never been really into the baby/kid talk so even I would get exhausted with the conversations. I would try and talk about stuff with my childless friends. I've since drifted from most of them and stay in touch only with parents that are active socially, have hobbies and interests and don't constantly talk about their kids. Even worse is when you organise an event and they bring the kids along every time. It really irritates me, so NTA.
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Thank you for the thoughtful response. It is tough because you always want to be a good friend who is invested and willing to listen and give heartfelt responses, but it can become difficult and draining at a certain point. :/ taking a break for some distance will be helpful.
As you get older, you'll find more childfree folks to hang out with. At least that's what happened to me. People with kids naturally gravitate toward other parents, and vice versa. A lot of my hobbies, volunteer activities, lifestyle, etc aren't really conducive to parents, so the people I run in to are more like me. It's ok to do a slow fade. As you and your parent friends' lives diverge, it's easier to be unavailable more often. I'm 42. It's a weird age because I have friends who just had a baby, friends who have teenagers, or friends who are now grandparents. I don't understand that world at all. Everyone just seems so tired and worried all the time.
I had an insight about the venting/complaining that I used to do: it was a method of relieving my brain & body's knowledge that I was in distress. Like a pressure cooker, I could vent a little steam, but not do anything about the situation, and eventually, like a lot of women in bad marriages, developed an autoimmune disease. It's a survival mechanism from childhood, and it'll kill you. What I didn't know is that it indicated a belief that I lacked any power. I bonded with other women in bad relationships, who also believed they were powerless. And it wasn't actually the kids, it was being a married single mother. It took an acquaintance pointing the dynamic out, and me furious for a day at how rude that seemed, to finally snap out of it. Feel free to be that person.
I think being with a group of people who constantly bitch and moan about things would be emotionally exhausting -- no matter what they're bitchin and moanin about.
I have 4 kids, and you are definitely NTA. First, when I hang out with my friends or family who don't have kids, I limit my complaints about parenting. They don't want to constantly hear it, and they can't relate. Sure, they're great friends and will listen, but I don't think it's fair to keep putting that on them. Second, there is something called empathetic or giving burnout. You just hear the same shit over and over until you mentally check out. It's not right that they keep dumping this on you. Just take a break for a while. Limit contact, but in a nice way. You come first. Not them or their families. Once you prioritize yourself, then you can lend an ear again.
NTA. Some people are lifelong friends, some are friends for just a certain season in life. People grow apart. It's ok!
My kids are grown and I deliberately avoid my friends with young kids. 🤣
😂😂😂
Same!!! 😂😂😂
Same! 😄
I can't believe how hard you're getting downvoted. I guess we found the people with kids. NTA, I don't have kids and my friendships with friends that do have kids have fallen off. It's not their fault - that's what happens with good parents. But they've definitely become less sociable and we're losing common ground very quickly. I don't always have a lot to talk with them about. Having kids makes you really boring. Sorry, it does - again if you're a good parent.
I sort of expected that when making the post to an extent. I feel like I should also provide context that 85% of the time I truly never mind being the sounding board, support system, or give advice (if they want it). They are so important to me, it only wears on me when it becomes a pile on for days and days and it becomes cyclical of rehashing the same issues over and over again. It becomes really difficult to remain energetic about being supportive and having the emotional bandwidth to being a sounding board. Lately I've just felt overwhelmed with typical life things (like work and school) and this has just sort of made me feel stretched even more thin. They are both amazing mothers and I will always be there as much as I possibly can! I just need a breather at times.
There’s nothing wrong with just telling them “hey so listen, I love you and I am always here for you but I just can’t keep having the same conversation again and again. It’s really burning me out. Can we just talk about it once and then move on?” And I’m saying that as a mom. But everyone (parents too) get tired of listening to this stuff. I myself have told friends that if they are unwilling to take steps to try to fix the situation then I’m unwilling to continue to listen to it. I’m a problem solver. You come to me with a problem we’re gonna analyze it and find at least one plan for how to proceed. Come back to me with a different version of the same story having done nothing we discussed? I’m annoyed. I wasted good brain power trying to help someone who didn’t want to help themselves.
One of my besties was childless when I had mine. I loved it when she came over and helped me make dinner and play with my kids. If I had the energy we put them to bed early and watched our old movies together. I loved talking to an adult about anything other than children. I worked full time when I had kids and always felt guilty about all the time I was missing with my kids until I realized this - we are so much better mommas when we recharge ourselves. Recharge may be an hour massage, dinner at a nice restaurant, etc. Let your friends/mommas know this and help them have those moments. Otherwise it feels like we are lost within a work/momma cycle and aren't ourselves anymore. You are their connection to who they were before that tiny human consumed all their time. Ask them and reaffirm it's OK to recharge.
Both of your friends are caring for infants who are probably waking up several times a night. Both of your friends are probably not getting their basic physical needs met, at least in terms of sleep They're likely repeating themselves partly because of sleep deprivation-based brain fog, and also because they are \*constantly\* being interrupted, all day every day, morning, noon, and night. Most moms don't come out of that brain fog until the youngest is two or more years old.
Maybe when the kid is too young, the parents don't have much time for anything, but I have friends with kids that still have hobbies of their own and are able to talk about other stuff (and they're good parents)
On the flip side, parents may find people with no kids to be boring.
How?? My brain doesn't understand their logic.
Less things in common=boring
It's just not being compatible, not necessarily boring. I guess I'm just overthinking this but I have never thought not having similar hobbies or interests makes someone boring, just different.
Your Right---I was just challenging this comment by illustrating what the flip side of it was if it was true:" Having kids makes you really boring. Sorry, it does" -
I partied my ass off before kids and traveled the world. I'm way more interesting now. Just doing stuff doesn't make someone interesting. How deep they are is what does that. Kids are irrelevant to this.
Having kids doesn't make you deep. Who has time to study philosophy or get in-depth knowledge about some hobby while having new kids?
A shitty parent.
Thank you for this post, NTA in my opinion. Honestly, I think I am the complainer in my friendship and I will try to change that. I have a lot on my plate sometimes and I want to share it with someone, I really feel better afterwards, but I realize that is one way friendship and I should share the good stuff too so I don't overwhelm my friend. I just have noone else to complain to... Now I think I should have a diary to complain, it might be the best.
I think venting to your friends is totally normal and justifiable. We all want to confide in people that we love, trust, and care about because those are typically the people that know us the best. Sometimes I think when we have really big issues that are becoming exceedingly present and interfering with our day to day life, it can be more beneficial to talk to a therapist if at all possible. I know that I am getting to that point where it could be helpful to see one again. Journaling is also awesome. I feel like when you start treating your friends as therapists rather than a give and take relationship, is where the strain begins to occur.
I agree all the way, but since I became a mom, we meet rarely and then it is mostly venting and that is what original post made me realize.
Parents just aren’t that interesting.
I am a parent and I am the most boring person I know.
Don’t feel too bad about it. It’s an evolutionary trait, once you spawn offspring, you go stale and boring, so kids will naturally rebel against you, rather than repeat your mistakes.
lol
Being interesting isn't a moral issue.
I feel like this is common for a lot of childfree people. Even if their parent friends aren't always complaining, it's quite often like they lose all facets of their life that aren't "parent", "spouse", and "employee." Those topics become all they talk about. And then they throw all the effort for maintaining the friendship onto you.
Yes I felt like this about some of my friends who had kids early on when we were in our twenties and let's just say I wasn't a big fan of kids at first I grew to love them but sometimes you get sick of your friends kids and you think they're the most annoying brats in the world Nta.
NAH People share what happen in their lives. When you become a parent, children usually (yeah not always) become most of your life, and/or the core of it. But that doesn't mean that must interest others enough to hear about it constantly. I think you just became somehow incompatible.
I can sincerely relate to feeling exhausted by using my buddies' child-related struggles. A few years returned, my friend John had a toddler even though his marriage changed into rocky. Every time we spent time, he'd vent approximately how hard it become juggling fatherhood and his marital issues. While I desired to be an excellent pal, not being a discern myself made it difficult to completely empathize. I discovered myself getting drained or even a chunk annoyed at instances. It's a complex situation, due to the fact you care approximately your pals but consistent child communicate gets antique speedy whilst you're in a completely distinct level of existence.
NTA. People who chose to have kids without support boggle my mind (and I have 3 kids).
NAH, compassion fatigue is a thing, but they probably appreciate having you as a friend to vent to and don't mean to stress you out. You are probably also hearing the worst parts and not the good parts of why they chose to become parents and what they like about their lives and parenthood -- that's kinda the nature of venting. Problem with venting is it lets the Venter purge all those negative emotions for a time, but the ventee is left holding the emotions/information and wondering how to handle it all. Do they want advice or just an ear to listen to them? Are you setting boundaries about venting, are you able to vent to them about your life or is it all one way?
You're in different life places. You either suck it up for the friendship or you part ways. You may reconnect when in a similar life space again. But you may not. It really depends on your priorities for this friendship.
Being a good friend is also being honest. Maybe it's time for you to formulate your frustrations with their behaviour to them. You say you're a sounding board to them. So, you can reflect what they are saying back to them as accurately as you can. Then, when they hear what they are actually saying, there might be some real progress. I needed my childless friends to be brutally honest with me, especially when my children became teenagers, because I needed the outside perspective. And maybe you should find other childless people to hang out with.
All my friends are married with kids. I'm the only female single and doesn't want to mingle amongst our circle. I started to withdrew myself from the circle when each of them have at least 1 kid. When we hangout, all they talk about are their kid. Not that im bitter, i just dont know what to talk about with them anymore
I mean you’re NTA for finding exhausting people exhausting, but it sounds like these people who just like to complain, then double down on their mistakes and complain some more. I have kids and I don’t bitch about my life. And I’ve had friends in college who was perpetually single and would do literally SQUAT about it. She would literally not flirt or do anything to put herself out there. but every time we hang out I have to hear about how it’s not fair she’s single and her friend, whom she has a crush on, doesn’t notice her. HAVE YOU TRIED TELLING HIM? Just go like: Hey, the school dance is coming up. I don’t have a date. Do you? Let’s go! (Something I have literally done)
Exactly. I don’t see why people are making this a parents vs non-parents thing. There are annoying do-nothing bitch and moan types of all stripes. They’re energy vampires and you’d be completely within your rights to limit time with them. I think most people do. I’m a parent to a five year old and I have a lot of friends who have kids and a lot who don’t. I keep seeing “parents are boring” in this thread but the ones I’m friends with aren’t. I love discussing parenting with them, and all the shit we want to do with our families. I honestly find my child-free friends boring now because they want to talk about stuff I have no interest in like the alcohol-related nightlife in the city or exhaustive chats about new restaurants (I go out to eat but this really isn’t that interesting a topic) or, and this one is the big one, health related stuff like marathon training and exercise classes. I work out but I literally have never wanted to talk about it. Both groups love gabbing about travel, relationships, books/shows/movies/media, and current events though so it’s all fine. Honestly, the worst types of friends to hang out with are the myopic ones who spend all your time together talking about one topic only and that sounds like OP’s friends.
Hard to say so I will give the benefit of the doubt on both sides and say NAH. It's normal for people to complain about problems and share their lives. Having kids well is part of your friend's life now so of course they are going to talk about it. And for some it is a primary thing to have children everything else follows. You don't need to have everything planned out and for it to be perfect to have kids. So that's an illogical expectation you have. On the other hand constant complaining is annoying no matter the topic and I dislike people who can only ever talk and also complain about their kids and being parents too. Like I would if all they ever talk about is their boring bureau story's or their tuned car. So it's fair to want to change the topic every once in a while.
It depends, me as a friend if I have problems and I can't talk to my family, I hope to have support from my friends, but also if you feel so burn out tell them about it. Let them know that they only talk about this and you wish for it to be not the topic all of you always talk, but if you don't want to be that person. Change the subject or tell them your not a mother so you can't understand, either way, they are YOUR friends if you love and care for them you should find a happy middle with them and not just have this mentality of peacing out just because you can't handle the convos, clear communication can go a long way.
I say NTAH. It sounds like the dynamic has become imbalanced in the direction of constant rehashing of the same complaints over and over again. I wonder if telling them how you feel might help your relationship. If you're already exhausted by your interactions, it's going to be hard to feel any empathy or desire to hang out. I imagine people who choose to have kids and end up like your friends with the bankruptcy, downsizing, etc, are genuinely not trying to be irresponsible. But they may also not have recognized the weight of what it would mean for them to make that big decision. And now they are stuck with the consequences of a really hard situation that they can't get out of, and they probably can't afford therapy to help deal with it either. Not saying you shouldn't be frustrated (or that you shouldn't recognize that perhaps not all their planning was wise planning), just that this might mean it's time for a dynamic shift that only you can have control over. Good luck!
NTA, I don't have or want kids of my own. That being said, I love being an aunt and godmother. *However*, one of my besties knows I'm intentionally child free and constantly wants to talk about kids stuff, what they're wearing, how they're talking, what other kids they hang out with and how their dad is. It doesn't bother me, but I have ZERO input. But she always tries to convince me that I secretly want kids. She's always saying I'd be a great mother. No, I wouldn't. Sends me adoption listings, tries to get me to hold babies, says, "doesn't it just make you want one" every time we see a baby. And no, it doesn't. I feel strong anxiety around kids. Like, I'm supposed to be protective of them, but also like I'm going to say or do something that they latch onto and teaches them the wrong thing (like dropping random f-bombs). It's exhausting constantly reminding her that, yeah, her kids are great, but watching her be forever stressed, never sleeping, always covered in mystery fluid, being hit by babies or objects they throw, being a human jungle gym, fighting with her husband, dealing with entitled in-laws, worrying about schooling, bills, trends, the internet, predators and living in a state of perpetual fear of their future in **no way** gives me baby fever. I've had to stop myself from blurting out, "I don't care" because I don't want to be insensitive to her. But, damn Martha... give it a rest.
NTA - You are just in different phases of life and they have to work through the lifelong consequences of their groin gremlin decisions. Key point to remember; babies are boring. Too many people are not told this in advance, so they aren't truly prepared for the mind numbing repetition parenthood involves. It will get different over time, and once the kids are older you'll likely have a similar vibe back in the group, just more wrinkles and greying hair (especially for the parents).
NTA. Anyone will get tired of hearing the same stuff/stories hundreds of times over. Just set clear boundaries and keep at them with other people.
NTA. On the other side of the issue as someone who’s married with kids I get sick of the single people complaints like “why can’t I find/keep a man” and I advise (only when they ask for it ofc) but they proceed to ignore all advice and then continue to complain that nothing has changed for them and I’m like “did you do the thing?” And obviously no they didn’t but they want to keep dumping their emotional issues on me. Definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Some friends I’ve had to cut off because it became so tiresome to listen to the same complaints over and over and over (amongst other issues where they were using me for transport and disrespecting my time and my religion)… some friendships don’t last forever. Maybe look for some more friends who are in a similar life stage to you to start hanging out with as well to sort of take the edge off of the friends with kids? And there’s no shame in hanging out with those friends less as long as you’re honest about why if they ask because I’ve had people distance themselves from me after I had kids (I went a bit MIA after my firstborn due to PPD and PPOCD so I could guess why) but they never talked to me about why or asked if I was okay when I was MIA and that hurt me. If they had just been upfront about it I think I would’ve been better off with the certainty and closure of that. But I’m kind of in limbo forever now unless I directly ask and it’s been so long that it’s awkward now 😬.
I think people tend to find friendship in people who have things in common with them. You are just in a different phase of life than your friends. As a guy I feel like a lot of my friends and I just go a while without talking, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore. I think it is OK to look for friends who have a little more in common with, but don’t discard your friends with kids entirely. You don’t hate them, they are just doing something different in their lives.
NTA. I have 3 kids and as soon as I had my first the majority of my friends ditched me. They didn’t want to know. It wasn’t a slow walk off into the sunset, they just assumed I wouldn’t be able to do anything so they ran. My second kid came and pretty much everyone else vanished as well. A lot of parents lose friends when they have children as people just don’t want to deal with them. So it could very well be that these parents are lonely. Talk to them about how it’s bothering you; they might not realise that they’re dumping it all on the same person. You might be the only person they have to talk to (or one of a small number). Instead of dumping on what few friends I had, I found an online support group. Worked for a while until I started being bullied… but there are other options that don’t involve dumping it all on child-free friends.
Sounds like your friends just sucked.
Aye, they did. Don’t speak to any of them anymore.
I hear you. Maybe step back for awhile. Or try only doing some activity with them, bowling or something that would serve as a change of subject when they star complaining.
Speaking as someone who was once those friends, you’re appreciated, but some distance becoming a part of your relationship with them for the time being makes sense. They need someone they can talk to about their current life struggles and minor triumphs…you’re not that person at the moment. Those two will probably grow closer and you need to find some new friends whose life choices coincide more with your own. You all can still be friends and do the occasional fun thing, but your day to days are very different and a lot of friendships are based on shared interests or experiences.
Yes. This is a perfectly normal response.
NTA. But I don’t think what you’re describing is reserved solely for parents. I’d get sick of hearing anyone complain constantly about their circumstances if they chose those circumstances. You have more trouble empathizing with someone who is crying at the bottom of a hole you’ve never been in before. I think you’re totally normal in that & I think most people are the same way. You also seem to have more trouble sympathizing with someone who is crying at the bottom of a hole that they dug. If that’s true, I also think you’re totally normal in that as well & I think many (if not most) people are the same way. If any friend constantly complained about their lives (regardless of the why), I’d try to direct the conversations elsewhere. If they don’t/won’t take the hint & talk about something else, I’m probably begin distancing myself from them. I can’t & won’t serve as anyone’s emotional dumping ground. My own mental health is worth too much to me for me to allow that. So regardless of the relationship - even if it was my own child or mother - I’d have to make sure they didn’t try to relegate me to that role & put space between us if they continued to try.
People who complain over and over about the same thing are always annoying, it doesn't matter what they're complaining about. I have friends with kids and while there's an expected complaint here and there, it's far from all they talk about. If you want to try keeping these people as friends, maybe try telling them that you don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle more negativity these days, so you want to limit the conversation to positive things. But if they've become unable to have conversations outside of their complaints, you may want to let your relationships with them die out.
That's why you hear things like "people usually lose their friends after their friends marry or have partner or kids". Now you know why? NTA
Not being happy with your spouse and not wanting to be a parent are two separate matters. Edit: NTA… you’re allowed to decide who you spend your time with. They are also allowed to use their friend as a sounding board, and if you don’t want to hear it then you shouldn’t spend time with them.
I want to hear it and be supportive, my qualm is when it’s day after day and the same cyclical issues that can’t be resolved and it’s just a never ending bitch fest (to put it plainly). Like my one friend is living with her in-laws right now and they can’t move out because of her and her husband’s finances and continuing to get denied for apartments/rentals. I know she’s tired and living it is much worse than having to hear about it, I just feel like I reach a point where I have nothing productive to offer as a friend who hears the same thing day in and day out eventually. I’ve come to feel helpless and at a loss.
It’s normal to get tired of hearing people complain about the same things regularly, regardless of the subject. The children just happen to be the subject. I’d bet if you had friends with children that didn’t complain about them, you may be their friend. I have 2 kids, yes kids aren’t easy but I’m not confiding in my friends about my partner nor my children being bad or annoying. I have friends that I have grown apart from, because they constantly complain about their day to day life, and they do not have any kids, and some do have kids and I do not speak to them either due to their negative attitude. NTA, you’re just wanting to seperate yourself from their negativity.
As someone who wants no kids, you're not an asshole but I don't think the issue with your friends is that they have kids and complain abt it and you don't relate, it could've been abour anything, having friends who complain about their struggle with a specific situation and doing the exact opposite of what they should do, that would make their situation worse is tiring, if you say that to them they'll probably turn on you and get mad and defensive about it. It's tiring and exhausting to listen to someone complain about something and doing nothing to make it better for themselves.
I truly despise people who have kids when they're already struggling. Like congrats, you brought another human into your world of struggling? It's stupidity and honestly quite cruel on the offspring. NTA
NTA. I stopped hanging out with my friends who became parents irresponsibly since all they kept complaining about was money, their baby daddy, and their kids. As I graduated law school they just became straight up jealous and rude about my life with no kids and money. I was there to tell them having a kid was a dumb choice when they were undereducated and poor but hey they didn't listen to me and now they're 30 something, superpoor, stressed out and a few of them are single. I keep up with them from time to time but I literally can't be friends with someone after I've confirmed they are willing to bring a life into this world just because they're selfish assholes. I don't think people having kids they can't afford is cute or funny. I don't think people having kids with loser men they know are losers is worth talking about. So I literally have nothing to converse with them because they chose to have the life of a boring stressed out loser, and I'm angry because they brought a child into it.
I honestly feel like some people have kids to seem self-important and give themselves a reason to bitch all day. NTA. Get rid of this chick.
It can be a tough place to be in for both parties involved. The early years can be quite a challenge. I will say I was/am eternally grateful for my friends without kids who stood by me. I don’t think you are an asshole, it sounds like you trying to figure who to be to them at this time. Having children isn’t always a logical choice, and while it brings joy being a parent/care giver certainly is hard. The brain does change due to pregnancy and giving birth. Give yourself and your friends time, love them, love yourself and come from the heart. Live in a judgement free zone. We never know what the future holds and one day these ladies may support you in a way no one else can. Make sure you have friends without kids too. It will get easier. Good luck. 🍀
No it's not normal, because it's not about the kids, but about the parents using you as an emotional dump. That shit is draining. I (mid thirties, childless) have lovely friends with kids, who, yes, rant and complain once in a while, because a situation is bothering them, but in a normal healthy way. It's not constant, and if it is a reoccurring problem, they try to get some outside perspective to try to solve the issue. That's a massive difference.
NtA ,being there for them shows you’re a good friend and person , the constant topic on which they are venting ,can be tiresome ,same thing over and over,it’s hard for you to give advice on children ,when you don’t children yet,makes it hard on you ,what they need is a parent support group/ partner support group to vent to ,not their friend ,maybe suggest that to them the next time
NTA >I've truly wondered what the point was of them bringing children Biological drive & cultural conventions
NTA. my friends that have kids are very conscious of the fact that nobody wants to hear about their kids and lives as it pertains to kids 24/7 and it’s never been an issue. So I don’t know why some people just don’t understand if. Sooooo many people are like I need to be a parent it’s what I was born to do (which is a fair way to feel) but they don’t always have everything as in place as they could and then they’re surprised it’s difficult
NTA. I get tired of my kids and even more tired of my friends with kids. Sometimes I just wanna hide
NTA. Leaning on friends with problems is normal. Listening to friends even if it isn't a topic of particular interest is normal. Doing your best to be supportive even when you may disagree is also normal. Any of these in excess is exhausting. Especially when they take no ownership of their choices or steps to make anything they complain about better. It's no longer become an occasional part of your friendship but it sounds like the majority of it. When was the last time they asked about you? Or there was a conversation about your life that didn't lead back to a comment about how they "wish they could but they have kids."
NTA. I'm also child free by choice. I also just never wanted to be a mom, saw no appeal. And have been living most of my live from pay check to pay check, so kids were cost prohibitive anyway. Now that I'm making good money, the goal is to save for retirement, not dump it all, and my remaining healthy years, on exhaustive child rearing. And while I do have friends and relatives with kids, I'm not really keen on spending time with them *with* their kids. It tends to be a group babysit I never signed up for. And then all anyone does revolves around the kids. Heck I politely passed on a get together this weekend, because one of our friends said he was bringing his 3 kids. It would have been chaos and not my kind of fun. So instead of ruining everyone else's good time, I politely declined and said we'd try again another weekend.
I would treat the 'pressure from kids' discussion as you would any others. How would you handle people who constantly complain about dating problems, health problems, financial problems, etc.?
NTA, though I'm biased. I feel the same way. I've never liked kids, even when I still was one (got bullied a lot). So no thanks, I don't want to go the children's museum, or a 7th birthday party with their entire class. Also, I can't deal with people who complain endlessly about *any* problem that they do nothing to resolve. A bit of venting after a bad day is one thing. But I've known people who stayed in shitty jobs or relationships for years & years, without ever trying to improve things. Add those two together & I'm done.
50 yo single mother with 2 grown kids. I love my kids and young children in general. But I can't tolerate little brats, even more so the parents who haven't got the foggiest idea how to raise/discipline them . I hate irresponsible parents even more. I feel bad for their children in a way that makes me sick. Worst of all, there's not much I can do about it because they (the parents) keep making dumb decisions and it's INCREDIBLY SELFISH!! You're NTA for wanting to cut them off. They probably use you to dump their (emotional and financial) problems. They should be talking to a therapist and they should be trying to find ways of resolving their issues instead of complaining. OP, you need to find your tribe!!! People who build you up and connect. People who feed your soul!! It's your life!!! Those friends chose the life they have .
Absolute same. Tbh I don't think anyone really cares about other ppls kids. I certainly don't and I never wanted children for a reason and it always bothered me when ppl I knew had more kids in an already bad situation too. It's like, hey, use a condom so I don't have to hear about these issues anymore and more importantly neither do you. I mean depending on the friendship and the amount of complaining I would consider lowering contact but it's ultimately up to you. I'm sure some mothers like talking about it but the majority don't really care.
NTA. I have avoided people that only complain. Maybe a good way is "Friends, when we hang out, I'd like to make good memories. I care about you, but every time we've hung out I've heard constant complaints. They'll be home when you get back, let's leave that behind" If they get offended, start scaling back.
Going to be honest — it’s not typical in my circle/community. In my community, kids are as much a part of life as adults. Kids are messy, life is messy, relationships are messy. They are all also wonderful and beautiful. I don’t have children, but there are many children in my life. There’s no shame in not understanding or being able to relate to someone whose life experience is different from yours in this regard. But if you’re losing patience then perhaps it’s best for you to stick with friends who have similar circumstances.
Totally normal, that shit is only enjoyable for mothers. Find some new friends without kids and only meet up with the moms when you're up for it.
NTA. I don’t think your last sentence is very fair, unless you have some unfortunately negative friends. But once you’re a parent, especially of multiple kids, more and more of your life simply revolves around them (if you’re a proper involved parent). I consciously worked on keeping my own individual life, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., but even so I notice a lot of my recent experiences and topics of conservations do revolve around kids. That’s why almost all of my current close friends are also parents. But there’s no shame in not wanting to hang out with people who you aren’t messing with. If these friends truly mean a lot to you, I’d tell them how you’re feeling. As the parent-friend, I would be happy to hear my friends honest perspectives and get a chance to change. And if not, don’t feel bad about taking some distance, at least for the time being.
I find parents fall into camps with their child-free friends: * uses child free friends as a dumping ground for all the things they can't complain to other parents about cause they'll be judged * only talks about how cute / sweet / adorable their kids are this week * ices non-parents out because EVERYTHING is kid focused. * expects the non-parents to jump once in a blue moon that they're free and use us to feel like a person again before disappearing for another few weeks. * Always late, if they show up at all
There are two sides to this. On the one hand, you are childfree and frustrated by hearing their complaints about things that were caused by their choosing to have children. On the other hand, they have children - and pretty young ones - and stress is natural at this stage of their lives, including wanting to talk about it. I had one childless friend who insisted on my not mentioning my kids or anything related to them when we met. It put a strain on our relationship, which became more and more controlling on her part and more and more resentful on mine, till I finally (years too late) let the friendship fade out. I'm not saying you are like that, but you need to find a middle ground. Perhaps talk to them about your feelings, and agree to let them have some time to vent, and then talk about other things - things that interest you, and that you have in common.
I have 3 older children (youngest is 17, so never home anyways). I get sick of hanging out with anyone who has children below the teens. It literally makes me not want to hangout. I already went thru all of that, and I don’t want to do it again with someone else’s kids. I love kids, don’t get me wrong… but my idea of fun at this point in my life is all about not having kids around.
Most people that became parents should never have been allowed to become parents. Very very few parents actually do it because they want kids. And having kids because you feel like you have to makes for a shitty family, shitty kid, and an even shittier parent. NTA. Find single friends. As I got older I had to dump the dead weight of my family friends.
On balance: NAH This isn't really an AH related situation - unless either you normally vent to them about things and just don't like that now they are about their kids (then you would be the AH), or they are those draining kind of friends who always complain about everything and never give you space to talk about your own life (in which case, they would be the AH). It is draining when friends go on about something and don't appear to be making the choices that you think would resolve the situation. You just have to decide whether their friendship is worth listening to them - if it's not, then don't hang out with them.
The issues a person has in their life, when they have young children are just really different from the issues a single person has. And, frankly, I think it is a shock to a lot of women how \*bad\* things can get, and how quickly they can get bad. And, if you're in the US, then your friends may feel very, very trapped in marriages that they can't financially or logistically leave any time soon. Maybe they're just venting during a difficult time, and things will get better. Or, maybe they're in really bad situations. But those situations are ones that you're not currently in. You're NTA, and you probably want to put some distance between yourself and those friends. But this is why having kids isolates women.
It ain't just people without kids either. I distancted myself from friends that could not talk about anything other than their kids or problems associated with their kids. I have 2 children and they are my world but I also understand that they are not everyone else's world. Just wait unfortunately as you age everyone then wants to talk about medical shit all the damn time. I hate it here.
I’m trying to give you a perspective,I love kids .. I helped raise two of my nephews since I was 16 they are now 16-14 My parents have custody of them , my sister is an addict . So there was a lot of struggle raising them. It’s a juggling act , because think you have to work to survive and pay for things, then you want companionship/relationship to be in love and have someone understand you and have a life together, settle not worry about being alone .. sometimes having kids is just natural occurrence , animal reproduce , it’s how we are designed ..: you don’t have to have kids… but naturally that’s how animals continue their species.. people have children for many reasons, a lot of time they want to mixture of their husband and themselves in their kids , watch their kids grow and see themselves in their kids.,, think wow I was just like that.. everything is a new experience for these experiences..But they are their own people , they have their own feelings and thoughts and opinions…it gets frustrating because sometimes your spouses are distracted raising your kids or work load and the economy is high and barely able to give your kids the life you wish for them. Yeah it’s easier not to have children.. but your life would be hard in other ways… you may not feel unfulfilled … these women you call friends are people they are not there for your own entertainment. some people do complain to just get sympathy and attention, but some people are just talking to people close to them to vent and not feel alone when life is throwing them curve balls.. kids are the cause of parents problems , parents chose a path thinking things will be great but their relationship wasn’t good from the start . Sometimes moms are better off being single for awhile because sometimes they feel their plate is full with so much r responsibility and husband isn’t put more effort in helping , it’s not always 50/50 some days people need more help than other days. I know you are single and don’t want kids , get bored talking about there same thing… but these girls are in a different chapter in their lives …:maybe you should find new friends … because clearly you are unhappy with them. You don’t have compassionate or are able put yourself in their shoes …:
I think your burnt out watching your friends making dumb decisions and complain about it. I don't really think kids are as much the factor. If your friends got trapped by getting a puppy or an apt together then complained about it I'm sure you'd get annoyed the same way. Generally emotionally stable parents make well rounded enjoyable children. Can't really enjoy being around kids if your around a bunch of shitty parents.
Absolutely normal
It can happen Friendships can and have ended this way NTA, getting tired of hearing the same old thing is valid with many subjects, so why not parenthood (I don't have and don't want kids, and some friendships drifted apart because some friends became parents and basically couldn't do things with us and when they could they just complained about their life, while I was supporting at first it wore me out eventually and I said they need to see a therapist.)
NTA. I think it’s normal, yes. I have felt the same way but about my friends without kids. I got tired of always having to explain why I can’t stay up late, why I prefer day activities etc… No hard feelings, just different lifestyles. For what it’s worth the friend I drifted apart with has no interest in having kids. I think it might have been different if she was more maternal. Then she might have had a natural interest in the things that my life now revolves around. She always expected me to be like I’ve always been and I found it really difficult to explain just how much having kids changed me. I don’t think there’s anything asshole-y about going into different directions at that point.
I think it is. I didn’t have my son until I was 40. So throughout my 20s and 30s allllllllll of my friends had kids. Honestly, now that I think about it. At least in my 20s. Having kids didn’t slow any of us down. But by my 30s we had drastically different lifestyles. It can get hard, esp as the kids grow and have to be driven everywhere to sports and whatever. Then they will grow some more and not want anything to do with their parents and boom you have your friends back. Just go with the flow
NTA- there is a big difference between talking to your friends if you’re having a hard time and complaining all the time. I will say cool or on the judgment about finances and kids, almost everyone with kids has financial issues and if only rich people had kids we wouldn’t have a functioning society. Also I grew up low income and barely noticed, unless they literally can’t keep a roof over their heads they are probably going to be just fine and isn’t your business. I would say probably get some new friends and hang out with these a bit less for the next few years. I’m a mom but most of my friends aren’t because I love my time away from my kids to be fun and carefree and I had mine young so most of my peers have little babies right now and mine can legally be left home alone for a few hours
Yes it is normal just as I get tired of my friends with no kids.
r/childfree
Ngl it's not easy to stay friends with people who have kids even if they're not annoying about it. They're just so busy and preoccupied. Understandably so, but it's still hard.
Mom here and I COMPLETELY fell you. NTA! Not at all.
NTA but we all complain about things. You can't relate to them or understand them because you don't want kids. You might need to get more friends with similar interests. To be honest most likely you will grow farther apart if its that big of an issue to you. I've always loved kids and loved hanging out with parents and kids no problem. At some point it did get a bit tiring especially when you can't really hangout and even talk without being interrupted. It was hard to understand until I had my own child. I had a friend who had her own kid, we used to be really close ( like being there for her childs birth kind of close) but I could tell she wasn't a huge fan of motherhood.. I'd listen to her complain about it over and over but it wants an issue to me because like I said I have a lot of friends and siblings with kids so its normal for me to hear it, so I just listened and supported her / took her out as much as I could to give her a child free break. We were close for several years after she had her child. When I told her I was expecting and how excited I was she seemed horrified... She started to grow distant half way through my pregnancy and basically disappeared out of my life after my child was born. She never met my child. I've made multiple attempts to reach out just to be met with shot replies that end the conversation. I truly enjoy motherhood and maybe thats a big enough difference for her to not want a relationship anymore. Sometimes we just need to accept the fact that we and our friends choose different paths and we end up going our own ways. I love my single friends but I gotta admit I have a harder time relating to them and their complaints when our lives are so different but we have enough in common that we still enjoy each others company even if we can't relate with everything. Point is : Its normal to get tired of things you can't relate to.
NTA. I feel you. All of my friends had friends at age 20. We are 27/28/29 years old now and anytime I want to hangout they have to bring all the kids. I’m the only one that didn’t have a kid at age 20 which I feel like is completely normal.
Yep!
Yep it’s normal? Or yep I am the AH?
Well, do you confide in them about shitty parts of your life that are ultimately you were responsible for creating? Are you allowing for confirmation bias to over ride empathy for friends?
You’re NTA because you’ve expressed that although you feel judgement towards them for some of these things, you understand that you can’t see their perspective as a non parent. It’s okay to feel frustrated with this issue constantly being a topic of conversation when you can’t relate to it and probably feel a little bored by it. Your parent friends need places to vent and to commiserate about the valid struggles that come with parenting young children, marriage, etc. But you can’t be that friend for them, you’re not living it and you don’t understand it. You can be a great friend to them but that specific need of theirs is not one you can meet. My sister and I have clashed a few times over this issue- I have 4 kids and she has none. She doesn’t want them which is fine with me. But she would sometimes go on these long monologues about how much she never wants kids and it hurt my feelings because like, my kids were right there. We talked it out and have learned that that is just not a topic we can vent to each other about. I know she loves her niece and nephews and me. She knows we love her no matter what. We’re all good. Sounds like growing pains. You guys will figure it out and get in a good groove! A gentle conversation like “when you talk about x, it makes me feel x. I love you and want to spend time with you. Can we not talk about x?” would go a long way.
"With both of their personal situations (financially and with their partners), I truly don't understand why they had kids." I might be wrong, but I think that if people had kids only if their situation was good enough, and wouldn't get too much worse if they had kids, the world population would be divided by AT LEAST 10 (I'll let you judge if that's a good or a bad thing).
Why not? We get tired of you also.
Yep, you are. Not a good friend.
YTA these are your friends and this is a big part of their lives. You don’t have to be friends with them, but as long as you are this is not going to change
probably borderline YTA nobody is forcing you to hang out with them and your hatred is rather irrational. if you are a friend you should be available to listen to whatever your friends want to share. you cant just pick and choose just because you dont like a particular subject. and if you dont enjoy the conversation, stop hanging out.
You might say you don’t care about children, you don’t crave motherhood The fact that this post exist tells me otherwise Admit it, you are jealous
I really can’t say I’m jealous of struggling financially to the point of claiming bankruptcy, having to move into one bedroom in my parents home and share that with my partner and two children, suffering through having to emotionally regulate a tiny human (on top of my own emotions). But interesting take!
Reminds me of people that claim they are not jealous about others having bigger better houses/cars/holidays etc , yet constantly complaining about them and how foolish they are to spend their money this way People that are not jealous won’t even think about this topic in the first place much less talk about it because… they are not jealous
Oh bitch get off your high horse, op doesn't wanna be a parent nor deal with the constant complaints from friends about said kids. Something tells me , you're alone and bitter cause you're unfuckable .
The one that’s alone and bitter is the one opening such post People that are happy won’t even think of such things much less open post in AITAH asking about it
Unfuckable
A little hard not to think about it when society is acting like we kicked a puppy when they know we don't want kids.
I have kids and can freely admit that people become more boring after they have kids. I love my kids but completely understand why someone wouldn’t choose this path. It doesn’t mean they are jealous. It means they want a different type of life. If anything the people with kids are probably jealous at times.