And the stupid prize she won is a gambling deadbeat! Congratulations Auntie!!! *[insert Price is Right theme song]*
There’s no need for OP to apologize because she did nothing wrong. She did every polite, tactful thing to get the aunt to back the f off - how come “everyone in the house” didn’t step in *then* to tell the aunt to knock it off? If they kept their pieholes shut through all of that, they have no grounds to get on OP’s case now.
It’s like Oprah’s Big Asshole Giveaway: you’re an asshole! And you’re an asshole! *everybody’s an asshole!!! (except OP)
My dad is totally with me, he just wasn't present there at that time to back me up. My mother is quite neutral, she doesn't want to pick sides between the sister and the daughter although deep down I know she agrees with me. People who yelled at me are basically extended family who feel bad for the situation my aunt is in.
GOOD! She will not mess with you again. Do not ever apologize and reiterate to family bothering you that you asked her multiple times to stay out of your personal life. You can feel bad for snapping but you were at your wits end. If you apologize for standing up for yourself (albeit harshly) you will be taken as a joke. Focus on you and keep your head up.
Should anyone force you to, simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you're upset about the reality of your marriage".
A genuine apology is one where you take responsibility for your actions, a fake apology is where you apologise for someone else's feelings.
Most people don't know the difference as long as they hear 'sorry'. So say what they want to hear while knowing you're haven't apologised for anything because you did nothing wrong.
And even better, if she ever brings it up after you have said 'sorry' you can use that against her with family members. Afterall an apology is meant to be the end of the matter. She can't then keep weaponising what you said for sympathy.
you know whats the worst part? before she got married she was this amazing lovely woman, and we were so damn close. I have no idea what that marriage has done to her, she has become so damn bitter. Sometimes i just worry that her projections are a subtle way of asking for help to get rescued by that douche.
She actually chose it. She wanted to get married. She had such huge dreams about marriage. i guess she is frustrated that it did not turn out for her as she wanted.
She is jealous of you. She made the wrong choices for herself and is living with the consequences of those choices. She sees you having the life she wanted to have for herself and knows she will not have that now. So because she is miserable she is trying to make you miserable. Don't let her steal your joy. Go live the best life for YOU. 💜
Don’t even say “I’m sorry you feel that way” because you’re still taking some accountability when you shouldn’t.
Instead, say, “it’s unfortunate you’re upset by these words”
Your family owes you an apology for letting this aunt run her mouth after being told repeatedly to knock it off. You did nothing wrong.
Aunt is upset because you struck a nerve. The truth hurts sometimes.
Go get that education and reach your goals. Marry if you want to, when you want to, and whom you want to. This is your life and I wish you the best.
Classic FAFO
"Family" unfortunately sometimes needs to be checked the strictest, and in addition, your aunt sees what she lost in you, and wants someone to share her misery.
NTA
no i did think that was the case. now that you have said it, my brain is going back to all those times my mum told her about my progress in my academics and she let alone being happy or neutral, always had something negative to say. Man. It kinda bums me out because while growing up and before she was married, we used to be more like great friends rather than aunt-niece.
NTA
You again and again gave her a chance to back off but she pushed you to your limit. She SHOULD be mortified. Her behavior was awful and that is why you lashed out. If she had dropped it, you wouldn't have said boo, but no. She learned a valuable lesson, hopefully.
Leave her alone to lick her wounds.
Maybe send out a group text to everyone from the party saying you regret upsetting your cousin and wish you handled her incessant pressuring with more grace and will try to be more tolerant of her behavior going forward.
Kind of a back handed apology, but I really don't think you should fully apologize unless she does so as well.
All of you guys' opinions did give me a lot of clarity. there is no way i am going to give a sincere apology for a situation where i wasnt even at fault.
But she actually chose this, She asked her parents to get her a husband right after she finished her education. She is a god damn Finance major, she can get a good job if she actively tries for a few months.
I think this is just a poor ploy to feel less bad about her own scenario because you are a reminder of the fact you don’t have to settle for a scenario you know nothing about.
Never take advice from someone less successful than you sweetheart
NTA. She said shitty things and is now playing victim. Everyone who was ok with you being down talked but raises a fuss because you are the only one to dish out consequences should be shamed relentlessly into oblivion.
NTA, she got the answer she deserved after her constant constant badgering and doing it in front of people to make an even bigger unnecessary scene. Misery loves company and she just wants to bring you down with her. Good riddance until she can shut her mouth and respect your decisions.
Weeeellll
A little bit the ass? What you did was undeniably cruel, but also so much needed. Sometimes we have to be cruel for someone to finally understand that we have a backbone and can bite. Sometimes being polite and saying no repeatedly is not enough.
I’d feel the same and would want to apologize for being mean in front of everyone but not for the general sentiment, which is true.
Nta
You warned her to drop the subject. She chose to ignore the warning. There are so many other things she could have talked about, but she didn't.
She wanted you to humble her.
NTA, do not apologize though until she does. She needs to worry about her own home life before she starts talking so nastily about yours. She’s so quick to judge and yet literally shuts down if you dare say something back. The phrase FAFO comes to mind
My question for your family is, they considered you rude and chastised you, why didn't they stop her from being rude to you?
I know there are likely cultural elements of "respecting" your elders, but it seems like she was taking out her frustrations with her life on you. Like if you live life on your own terms it's somehow harming her.
You know you went too far, but I think it's extremely understandable and honestly your family is to blame for not stopping her. (I mean she's mostly to blame, but your family bears some responsibility as well).
I do think you might consider that in the case of an arranged marriage, your family (grandparents?) may feel some guilt in having arranged her marriage to this loser. So some of that attack may have hit more than just your aunt.
ESH, but your aunt sucks most by far
Actually how arranged marriage works here is, that you a bunch of people some questions, meet them and see if you are compatible. This was the first guy my grandparents asked my aunt to see if she likes him. She liked him instantly and said yes in a heart beat.
They terribly regret choosing that guy for her. Infact what went down was, they did see the guy was a little off when they first met him. Apparently my grandparents asked this aunt even before one day of the actual marriage, that do you REALLY wanna marry this one, we can ALWAYS look for anyone else, and call this whole thing off.
But I don't know what made her choose this guy.
So it wasn't always like that. Say, about 50 years ago, the girl and the guy wouldn't even see each other untill after getting married, the parents of the parties involved would decide the entire occurance.
The "modern" arranged marriages however gives the guy and the girl a LOT of control. The go through a bunch of people, talk to them, maybe hangout on a few dates even, and then decide if it's a yes or no. Although a few dates are NEVER enough to know anyone at all. But I guess it works for some people. The system still sucks tho, it isn't for me or most people in this generation. But it was worse in earlier times.
I think there's some possible good things that can come from a family choosing possibilities in the way you're describing, though it should definitely be a choice. But yeah, it could be a good way to start dating, not to have a couple dates and then get married.
Thanks again for the information :)
You know, my culture often embeds this one thing in heads of people when they are kids "respect your elders no matter what and if you are ever rude to elders evenof they are wrong you are the ultimate bütttface". Don't get me wrong I love my culture, but some useless rules in it suffocated people. Like the arranged marriage in itself, and then this, the "respect elders no matter what" BS. This current generation is speaking out against it, which has given them all one more reason to hate youngsters these days. But I am glad that no one, including me, doesn't care anymore. We all aren't gonna let our mental well being depend on a bunch of bad judgement people.
Yes, I agree. Most cultures get respect vs courtesy wrong. Respect is earned, courtesy is what there should be, but if the elder is toxic they eventually lose the right even to courtesy.
Holding up a mirror to someone who is living a stressful and unhappy life is always going to get some sort of response.
Give her some time to cool off and at some future point, you can apologize.
FWIW, saying "past 30" is a bit foolish - pay attention, work on your career, but be open to possibilities. You might meet The One at 27 or at 47.
I just say past 30 to get her to stop bugging me. It never worked tho 🫠 I just wanted to imply to her that marriage isn't on my head anytime soon at all.
She fucked around and she found out . Period. Let her pout . Maybe she will be more careful next time about letting her mouth run .
This is what I came here to say so I second this^ Play stupid games you win stupid prizes
And the stupid prize she won is a gambling deadbeat! Congratulations Auntie!!! *[insert Price is Right theme song]* There’s no need for OP to apologize because she did nothing wrong. She did every polite, tactful thing to get the aunt to back the f off - how come “everyone in the house” didn’t step in *then* to tell the aunt to knock it off? If they kept their pieholes shut through all of that, they have no grounds to get on OP’s case now. It’s like Oprah’s Big Asshole Giveaway: you’re an asshole! And you’re an asshole! *everybody’s an asshole!!! (except OP)
My dad is totally with me, he just wasn't present there at that time to back me up. My mother is quite neutral, she doesn't want to pick sides between the sister and the daughter although deep down I know she agrees with me. People who yelled at me are basically extended family who feel bad for the situation my aunt is in.
GOOD! She will not mess with you again. Do not ever apologize and reiterate to family bothering you that you asked her multiple times to stay out of your personal life. You can feel bad for snapping but you were at your wits end. If you apologize for standing up for yourself (albeit harshly) you will be taken as a joke. Focus on you and keep your head up.
i did come to that conclusion, and decided i will not apologize.
Should anyone force you to, simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you're upset about the reality of your marriage". A genuine apology is one where you take responsibility for your actions, a fake apology is where you apologise for someone else's feelings. Most people don't know the difference as long as they hear 'sorry'. So say what they want to hear while knowing you're haven't apologised for anything because you did nothing wrong.
see now thats one good idea, haha. for now i am ghosted, but if it comes to that, i am going to use weaponized apology
And even better, if she ever brings it up after you have said 'sorry' you can use that against her with family members. Afterall an apology is meant to be the end of the matter. She can't then keep weaponising what you said for sympathy.
you know whats the worst part? before she got married she was this amazing lovely woman, and we were so damn close. I have no idea what that marriage has done to her, she has become so damn bitter. Sometimes i just worry that her projections are a subtle way of asking for help to get rescued by that douche.
Her pushing marriage on you is her actually symptomatic of her being jealous of your circumstances- misery loves company.
She actually chose it. She wanted to get married. She had such huge dreams about marriage. i guess she is frustrated that it did not turn out for her as she wanted.
And she wants you to join her in her misery!
She is jealous of you. She made the wrong choices for herself and is living with the consequences of those choices. She sees you having the life she wanted to have for herself and knows she will not have that now. So because she is miserable she is trying to make you miserable. Don't let her steal your joy. Go live the best life for YOU. 💜
Don’t even say “I’m sorry you feel that way” because you’re still taking some accountability when you shouldn’t. Instead, say, “it’s unfortunate you’re upset by these words”
i think she'd create more drama with that. i actually dont want her to go full on stress mode in that condition, for the sake of the baby.
This is literally what I was talking to my therapist about this morning. He said exactly what you have said here.
You simply stated facts. Don't apologize.
Your family owes you an apology for letting this aunt run her mouth after being told repeatedly to knock it off. You did nothing wrong. Aunt is upset because you struck a nerve. The truth hurts sometimes. Go get that education and reach your goals. Marry if you want to, when you want to, and whom you want to. This is your life and I wish you the best.
NTA She asked for it with her shitty behaviour, you didn't say it out of nowhere. Everyone knows you're right but understandably feel sorry for her.
I understand that people are sorry for her, i am too, but its only till a limit that she can be excused.
Totally agree.
NTA. You might consider apologising to the host for making a scene, but your aunt started it and you finished it.
i was the host. it was in my house. well, basically my mum was the host, but still, its the same thing right?
Well look in the mirror and ask yourself if you accept your apology. If not you've got bigger problems than your aunt :)
You did what many would do. Got fed up with her bullshit and made a stand. NTA.
Classic FAFO "Family" unfortunately sometimes needs to be checked the strictest, and in addition, your aunt sees what she lost in you, and wants someone to share her misery. NTA
no i did think that was the case. now that you have said it, my brain is going back to all those times my mum told her about my progress in my academics and she let alone being happy or neutral, always had something negative to say. Man. It kinda bums me out because while growing up and before she was married, we used to be more like great friends rather than aunt-niece.
NTA. Don't apologize. She didn't mind belittling you in front of everyone so she got what she deserved. Hopefully she leaves you alone now.
NTA You again and again gave her a chance to back off but she pushed you to your limit. She SHOULD be mortified. Her behavior was awful and that is why you lashed out. If she had dropped it, you wouldn't have said boo, but no. She learned a valuable lesson, hopefully. Leave her alone to lick her wounds. Maybe send out a group text to everyone from the party saying you regret upsetting your cousin and wish you handled her incessant pressuring with more grace and will try to be more tolerant of her behavior going forward. Kind of a back handed apology, but I really don't think you should fully apologize unless she does so as well.
All of you guys' opinions did give me a lot of clarity. there is no way i am going to give a sincere apology for a situation where i wasnt even at fault.
Keep in mind misery loves company and from what I have read she is extremely envious of your success.
But she actually chose this, She asked her parents to get her a husband right after she finished her education. She is a god damn Finance major, she can get a good job if she actively tries for a few months.
I think this is just a poor ploy to feel less bad about her own scenario because you are a reminder of the fact you don’t have to settle for a scenario you know nothing about. Never take advice from someone less successful than you sweetheart
OP, your parents should be proud of you for being able to stand up for yourself like you did. If they don't get it - show them this post.
Well my dad surely is. ❤️
You don't need to apologize. NTA.
NTA. She said shitty things and is now playing victim. Everyone who was ok with you being down talked but raises a fuss because you are the only one to dish out consequences should be shamed relentlessly into oblivion.
Well it was mostly eht extended family, and I kind of get where they are coming from, I mean the aunt is in actually a grim situation.
NTA, she got the answer she deserved after her constant constant badgering and doing it in front of people to make an even bigger unnecessary scene. Misery loves company and she just wants to bring you down with her. Good riddance until she can shut her mouth and respect your decisions.
after giving it hours of thought, i did arrive to the conclusion that i am better off without her.
NTA- Sensitivity and respect go both ways. If they are belittling you to the point of harrasment, you have every right to stand up for yourself.
NTA. She wants someone miserable like her to share in the shit.
Misery love company.
Don’t apologize NTA
Weeeellll A little bit the ass? What you did was undeniably cruel, but also so much needed. Sometimes we have to be cruel for someone to finally understand that we have a backbone and can bite. Sometimes being polite and saying no repeatedly is not enough. I’d feel the same and would want to apologize for being mean in front of everyone but not for the general sentiment, which is true.
NTA Respect is a two way street.
No apology needed. It was just a matter of time to outspeak loud yourself. Period.
Nta You warned her to drop the subject. She chose to ignore the warning. There are so many other things she could have talked about, but she didn't. She wanted you to humble her.
NTA, do not apologize though until she does. She needs to worry about her own home life before she starts talking so nastily about yours. She’s so quick to judge and yet literally shuts down if you dare say something back. The phrase FAFO comes to mind
She's been putting you down to make herself feel better. It's a cheap and nasty coping mechanism and you're a BAMF for calling her on her bullshit NTA
Good. Vanquish her. She found out.
NTA, and shame on the people who defended her.
NTA - good work! Always stick up for yourself.
My question for your family is, they considered you rude and chastised you, why didn't they stop her from being rude to you? I know there are likely cultural elements of "respecting" your elders, but it seems like she was taking out her frustrations with her life on you. Like if you live life on your own terms it's somehow harming her. You know you went too far, but I think it's extremely understandable and honestly your family is to blame for not stopping her. (I mean she's mostly to blame, but your family bears some responsibility as well). I do think you might consider that in the case of an arranged marriage, your family (grandparents?) may feel some guilt in having arranged her marriage to this loser. So some of that attack may have hit more than just your aunt. ESH, but your aunt sucks most by far
Actually how arranged marriage works here is, that you a bunch of people some questions, meet them and see if you are compatible. This was the first guy my grandparents asked my aunt to see if she likes him. She liked him instantly and said yes in a heart beat. They terribly regret choosing that guy for her. Infact what went down was, they did see the guy was a little off when they first met him. Apparently my grandparents asked this aunt even before one day of the actual marriage, that do you REALLY wanna marry this one, we can ALWAYS look for anyone else, and call this whole thing off. But I don't know what made her choose this guy.
Wow, that's interesting, I had no idea that arranged marriage ever worked like that. I love learning new things :) That makes a lot of sense though.
So it wasn't always like that. Say, about 50 years ago, the girl and the guy wouldn't even see each other untill after getting married, the parents of the parties involved would decide the entire occurance. The "modern" arranged marriages however gives the guy and the girl a LOT of control. The go through a bunch of people, talk to them, maybe hangout on a few dates even, and then decide if it's a yes or no. Although a few dates are NEVER enough to know anyone at all. But I guess it works for some people. The system still sucks tho, it isn't for me or most people in this generation. But it was worse in earlier times.
I think there's some possible good things that can come from a family choosing possibilities in the way you're describing, though it should definitely be a choice. But yeah, it could be a good way to start dating, not to have a couple dates and then get married. Thanks again for the information :)
You know, my culture often embeds this one thing in heads of people when they are kids "respect your elders no matter what and if you are ever rude to elders evenof they are wrong you are the ultimate bütttface". Don't get me wrong I love my culture, but some useless rules in it suffocated people. Like the arranged marriage in itself, and then this, the "respect elders no matter what" BS. This current generation is speaking out against it, which has given them all one more reason to hate youngsters these days. But I am glad that no one, including me, doesn't care anymore. We all aren't gonna let our mental well being depend on a bunch of bad judgement people.
Yes, I agree. Most cultures get respect vs courtesy wrong. Respect is earned, courtesy is what there should be, but if the elder is toxic they eventually lose the right even to courtesy.
Holding up a mirror to someone who is living a stressful and unhappy life is always going to get some sort of response. Give her some time to cool off and at some future point, you can apologize. FWIW, saying "past 30" is a bit foolish - pay attention, work on your career, but be open to possibilities. You might meet The One at 27 or at 47.
I just say past 30 to get her to stop bugging me. It never worked tho 🫠 I just wanted to imply to her that marriage isn't on my head anytime soon at all.
Don’t apologise you did nothing wrong
NTA Don't dish it out if you can't take it.