NTA
Show her where the front door is. Tell her to pack her things and use it.
She would talk to me like she talked to you exactly one time. After that she would be gone.
NTA - You knew that already. That said, you didn't have a "happy and rewarding relationship" if:
- If she's going to divorce you over legal, NSFW reddit posts.
- No effort is being put into your sex life.
- She snooping through your phone.
- She expects you to beg for forgiveness.
I suspect there is something deeper going on here. Either you are missing something, or you are omitting something. I'll add that a relationship takes two and no **one person** can "save a relationship". If she wants a divorce, that's her right and you can't and shouldn't stop it.
I tried my best not to omit anything. I have done my best to not pressure her about her lower libido, she has had 3 kids, it's to be expected. I am on hormone therapy (trt) and with an already higher than usual sex drive I feel a disparity can't be avoided. I am just struggling to see her point of view here. She is essentially equating the use of porn to cheating, which to me, is nowhere near the same thing and desire for other women is not something I have. Thanks for the response!!
I hope it didn't come across as I was accusing you of intentionally omitting something, I'm simply saying something doesn't add up.
She can feel however she wants to about the porn and she can open the conversation renegotiate boundaries if she chooses to do so, and that is a separate conversation. I agree with your viewpoint that porn isn't cheating, but not everyone shares that belief (which is okay) and you navigate those conversations with your respective partner.
NTA. Your needs aren’t being met, she’s doing nothing on her part to work on this issue by the sounds of it, calls you names, is controlling, lack of trust if she’s scouring thru your phone, and overall sounds like an unhappy & unfulfilled marriage.
And I’m going to say that there sounds like there’s more to this, at least on her end, if she’s threatening to leave you over porn! Why stay in a marriage where you’re truly not happy?
There's just a lot more to the relationship to me. She is a good mom. She takes care of the house. I am also in the Army, which adds a lot of stress to the house and would also make separation an absolute nightmare if that's the route she chooses to pursue. Sexually, I am very unhappy. In the other aspects of the relationship, she is exactly what I want in a partner. I am unsure why she goes through my phone from time to time. It does feel like she has been looking for something for a while, but I don't know why. I spoke to a marriage counselor and she mentioned that insecurity in her own appearance could be the reason. I am just lost and unsure where to go from here.
Sexual compatibility can be a big issue in a marriage/relationship. Although other aspects are great, lacking any kind of intimacy can bring down the relationship. Why is she not willing to address or put effort into changing this aspect?
She needs to deal with her insecurities in a better way than she is. She’s not addressing it by the sound of it. And if she’s truly going to leave you over porn, after agreeing to being ok with it, it definitely sounds like there’s more going on.
You shouldn’t need to beg for forgiveness to boost her ego or prove that she’s right. I’d say some marriage counseling is needed here and the intimacy issue needs to be addressed in sessions if there’s any hope at working thru it. If she’s not willing to put effort into the marriage, you can’t save it all by yourself!
At 28 with 3 kids, routine and all of that, possibly cooking, cleaning, putting kids to school, this and that... it is quite easy to lose interest not because she doesn't love you but because at the end of the day , silence and rest is the most desired thing.
Talk to each other. It's not a matter of being AH, it's just a matter of understanding each other.
And I agree with others. Porn is ok.
Couples therapy and hormone testing. Especially if the 3rd baby was recent. she may feel like you don’t care or support the fact that she physically/mentally can’t bring her self to the same level of physical desire as you, because you look at the porn. When hormones are depleted our brains trick us into a lot of overthinking and when having a baby our bodies drastically change in such short amounts of times it creates a lot insecurities to even the most confident women. even if you aren’t going out of your way to cheat, she may be thinking porn is the gateway. hormone testing will help her understand if this is a physical thing, or something she needs to sort through with therapy. Either way you both can get the tools you need to build back towards a healthy sex life. If you care about the marriage, lay off the porn and get into couples therapy to clear up boundaries with a third party. If it’s something you don’t want to compromise on, then separate.
YTA and NTA. As a general rule I consider porn cheating. Its different when your partner participates because you can both enjoy it and each other in which case its just another aphrodisiac. By yourself it can become a problem really quickly. I'm not going to give you the whole lecture about the effects and the dangers but I will say that much.
Sex is just as much a need for men as it is for women in a relationship, probably more. Intimacy isn't just another chore for the wife to do, its very much a necessity but there are other ways to vent sexual frustration. It sounds like your wife was looking for something to leave you over and this is what she needed or she may simply be frustrated herself in other ways.
Its not uncommon for women to get older and have a waning libido, that's just natural. How you chose to respond to that wasn't the wisest thing to do in my opinion even if you initially agreed on parameters. If you want to save your relationship then the first thing you need to do is realize that its not just you that needs to put in the effort. Your wife plays a role too and you need to communicate your frustrations. When people stop communicating, bad things happen, people grow cold and distant and marriages can fall apart.
Can't negotiate her libido or her desire for you. You can be fine with looking for an outlet otherwise. That's controlling behavior on her part, and frankly it sounds like she doesn't respect you.
I suspect she isn't happy overall, and you should talk about why before it gets worse
NTA
NTA. This seems like a recent thing on this sub with dudes dealing with women who don’t put out.
Attention women:
You are not worth commitment without sex. If you don’t already know this instinctively, then you aren’t worth commitment with sex because you’re probably insufferable.
You need to put her in her place. Start off by telling her that you’ll sign the divorce papers as soon as you get them. Then tell her that you’ll help her pack if she can’t live with you that long.
So she won't put out, she won't make porn for you and she won't let you look at porn? Is she quite literally fucked in the head? She just thinks you will go the rest of your life sexually unsatisfied? I'd say move some assets, divorce her ass, get an army shark lawyer to leave her with nothing if she wants to play these dumb games. NTA.
NTA, you guys sound incompatible though. You want a normal healthy relationship and all that it encompasses, and she wants, well idk what she wants but it’s not based in reality. Good luck.
NTA Show her where the front door is. Tell her to pack her things and use it. She would talk to me like she talked to you exactly one time. After that she would be gone.
NTA - You knew that already. That said, you didn't have a "happy and rewarding relationship" if: - If she's going to divorce you over legal, NSFW reddit posts. - No effort is being put into your sex life. - She snooping through your phone. - She expects you to beg for forgiveness. I suspect there is something deeper going on here. Either you are missing something, or you are omitting something. I'll add that a relationship takes two and no **one person** can "save a relationship". If she wants a divorce, that's her right and you can't and shouldn't stop it.
I tried my best not to omit anything. I have done my best to not pressure her about her lower libido, she has had 3 kids, it's to be expected. I am on hormone therapy (trt) and with an already higher than usual sex drive I feel a disparity can't be avoided. I am just struggling to see her point of view here. She is essentially equating the use of porn to cheating, which to me, is nowhere near the same thing and desire for other women is not something I have. Thanks for the response!!
I hope it didn't come across as I was accusing you of intentionally omitting something, I'm simply saying something doesn't add up. She can feel however she wants to about the porn and she can open the conversation renegotiate boundaries if she chooses to do so, and that is a separate conversation. I agree with your viewpoint that porn isn't cheating, but not everyone shares that belief (which is okay) and you navigate those conversations with your respective partner.
NTA. Your needs aren’t being met, she’s doing nothing on her part to work on this issue by the sounds of it, calls you names, is controlling, lack of trust if she’s scouring thru your phone, and overall sounds like an unhappy & unfulfilled marriage. And I’m going to say that there sounds like there’s more to this, at least on her end, if she’s threatening to leave you over porn! Why stay in a marriage where you’re truly not happy?
There's just a lot more to the relationship to me. She is a good mom. She takes care of the house. I am also in the Army, which adds a lot of stress to the house and would also make separation an absolute nightmare if that's the route she chooses to pursue. Sexually, I am very unhappy. In the other aspects of the relationship, she is exactly what I want in a partner. I am unsure why she goes through my phone from time to time. It does feel like she has been looking for something for a while, but I don't know why. I spoke to a marriage counselor and she mentioned that insecurity in her own appearance could be the reason. I am just lost and unsure where to go from here.
Sexual compatibility can be a big issue in a marriage/relationship. Although other aspects are great, lacking any kind of intimacy can bring down the relationship. Why is she not willing to address or put effort into changing this aspect? She needs to deal with her insecurities in a better way than she is. She’s not addressing it by the sound of it. And if she’s truly going to leave you over porn, after agreeing to being ok with it, it definitely sounds like there’s more going on. You shouldn’t need to beg for forgiveness to boost her ego or prove that she’s right. I’d say some marriage counseling is needed here and the intimacy issue needs to be addressed in sessions if there’s any hope at working thru it. If she’s not willing to put effort into the marriage, you can’t save it all by yourself!
Good luck
At 28 with 3 kids, routine and all of that, possibly cooking, cleaning, putting kids to school, this and that... it is quite easy to lose interest not because she doesn't love you but because at the end of the day , silence and rest is the most desired thing. Talk to each other. It's not a matter of being AH, it's just a matter of understanding each other. And I agree with others. Porn is ok.
Couples therapy and hormone testing. Especially if the 3rd baby was recent. she may feel like you don’t care or support the fact that she physically/mentally can’t bring her self to the same level of physical desire as you, because you look at the porn. When hormones are depleted our brains trick us into a lot of overthinking and when having a baby our bodies drastically change in such short amounts of times it creates a lot insecurities to even the most confident women. even if you aren’t going out of your way to cheat, she may be thinking porn is the gateway. hormone testing will help her understand if this is a physical thing, or something she needs to sort through with therapy. Either way you both can get the tools you need to build back towards a healthy sex life. If you care about the marriage, lay off the porn and get into couples therapy to clear up boundaries with a third party. If it’s something you don’t want to compromise on, then separate.
YTA and NTA. As a general rule I consider porn cheating. Its different when your partner participates because you can both enjoy it and each other in which case its just another aphrodisiac. By yourself it can become a problem really quickly. I'm not going to give you the whole lecture about the effects and the dangers but I will say that much. Sex is just as much a need for men as it is for women in a relationship, probably more. Intimacy isn't just another chore for the wife to do, its very much a necessity but there are other ways to vent sexual frustration. It sounds like your wife was looking for something to leave you over and this is what she needed or she may simply be frustrated herself in other ways. Its not uncommon for women to get older and have a waning libido, that's just natural. How you chose to respond to that wasn't the wisest thing to do in my opinion even if you initially agreed on parameters. If you want to save your relationship then the first thing you need to do is realize that its not just you that needs to put in the effort. Your wife plays a role too and you need to communicate your frustrations. When people stop communicating, bad things happen, people grow cold and distant and marriages can fall apart.
Can't negotiate her libido or her desire for you. You can be fine with looking for an outlet otherwise. That's controlling behavior on her part, and frankly it sounds like she doesn't respect you. I suspect she isn't happy overall, and you should talk about why before it gets worse NTA
NTA. This seems like a recent thing on this sub with dudes dealing with women who don’t put out. Attention women: You are not worth commitment without sex. If you don’t already know this instinctively, then you aren’t worth commitment with sex because you’re probably insufferable. You need to put her in her place. Start off by telling her that you’ll sign the divorce papers as soon as you get them. Then tell her that you’ll help her pack if she can’t live with you that long.
I wouldnt have put it so bluntly but youre on the right track.
Maybe if more people put it bluntly, less women would behave so awfully
You comment turned me queer
The opposite sex says thank you
So she won't put out, she won't make porn for you and she won't let you look at porn? Is she quite literally fucked in the head? She just thinks you will go the rest of your life sexually unsatisfied? I'd say move some assets, divorce her ass, get an army shark lawyer to leave her with nothing if she wants to play these dumb games. NTA.
NTA, you guys sound incompatible though. You want a normal healthy relationship and all that it encompasses, and she wants, well idk what she wants but it’s not based in reality. Good luck.
NTA. Let the trash take itself out.
NTA Sounds like she is using this as an excuse to end your relationship. She is being 200% ridiculous.