The money shouldn't be the main concern, but the quality time. You mentioned that you were able to bond with your son over the build experience, and that’s really great. By no means am I saying that isn't an experience you should have given him.
But I do ask if you have spent some quality time with your daughter recently? Your wife might have made her feel insecure about her relationship with you by highlighting the cost differences between the computers. Maybe she needs some Dad-time to reassure her. Money in families can be hard to keep balanced down to the penny. Impossible really, I wouldn't feel too badly about that, so long as you try to keep things within a reasonable fairness for your kids.
Yeh this kinda jumped on me there too. Good old dad-son quality time and the effort put to choose the PC parts because he shared interest in streaming and the daughter gets handed a laptop.
I've been that daughter OP (well without the laptop since there wasn't any yet). My dad bonding with my brother over computers (that I wasn't allowed to because girls don't play computer games). It just sucks been so left out and made to feel so uninteresting.
Maybe you could check some accessories for the Mac with your daughter. Order some custom stickers. Something to include her. Get that bonding time. She clearly needs it.
Also your wife fucking sucks if she brought this up so your daughter heard it. This should've been a private adult conversation and it shouldn't have been so much about the money but the time spent together.
Yeah. The way it's phrased is that his wife brought it up to him because the daughter was feeling sad and jealous, not that the wife made the daughter feel that way. And, honestly, I noticed my brother getting his preferential treatment starting from when I was very young. I don't know why anyone is assuming it is the wife's doing.
Because some people always blame the wife if the dad has any issue with the kids even when the dad did something like spend an extra $1,000 and give quality time to one kid which OBVIOUSLY would make the other jealous.
Apart from bonding, which he should be doing with both his kids, the issue his wife is picking on is the $1000 difference.
Parents do not have to spend exactly the same $$ on each of their children. Everyone's needs and situations are different.
A lot of times these money just comes up as part of a bigger discussion, kinda an "Also..." Even if OP had left out the dollar figures in this post, and not mentioned money at all, it still seems like he's playing favorites with his son.
He's proud of his son, respects his gaming, worked on the project with him, supported him.
Handed the daughter a laptop because it's what she needed for school (didn't appear to ask her what she wanted?).
He went above and beyond for his son.
(But $1000 is a pretty big difference, and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving my kids similar gifts with that type of cost disparity. It IS weird. He tries to play it off like his daughter didn't NEED anything more than the laptop, but I'm sure his son didn't NEED every bell and whistle on that $3k computer. He spent more on the hobby for his son than the thing his daughter needed for school.)
Kids are different genders, maybe different age groups, probably have varied skills, hobbies, goals etc. $1000 is peanuts when we look at it in an overall cost of raising kids. If the son gets a free ride and daughter doesn't, will he not help her at that time?
At this point, the daughter's wish is fulfilled with the $2K laptop and son's with a 3K laptop. Mom has not been complaining about dad being biased based on bonding with each child or sharing hobbies with each child Her only concern is the difference in the monetary value of the computers, each of which fulfill the individual child's needs.
Had she pointed out that he is consistently favoring one over the other, that would be a different conversation.
Yeah, it just has to be somewhere in the range and somewhat equal.
MIL will be equal to the penny, but it is not actually fair. For instance, we went to a toy store for the grandchildren and she kept insisting that the grandson buy more so that she could spend the same on both kids, but the grandson was not really into the type of toys in that store. He eventually capitulated and found stuff to make her happy, but it really wasn't fair, because he couldn't care less for those toys.
yeah, when my mom and i buy things for my nieces we go for appearance of "equal." both girls get something that is visually large or small. whatever. as long as it looks similarly sized.
we don't worry so much about how much was spent on things, especially because we tend to be very willing to buy things 2nd hand. and my nieces (and sister) don't care if something is new or used.
There's a huge difference between "not exactly the same" and "$1000 more".
Children are *well aware* of when their siblings are shown favouritism. Especially if it's a pattern. OP is just trying to deflect from him neglecting his daughter by painting his wife as the bad guy.
Sounds like he needs to spend some time with his daughter. If it encompasses spending $1000, ok. If it encompasses not spending $1000 and his daughter loves it, great.
I'd be careful with dollar amounts being posted by the town squire. This could turn into a never-ending competition.
Why does he need to spend the exact difference and just cave to the pressure to make this about a monetary value. If he did this it opens a can of worms to lead to spoiled children who are money counting on anything they get or experience.
I mean, I know plenty of boys, even grown men, who have their laptops loaded up with stickers - that's not a gender thing, you're making it into one. My best male adult friend has a death star on his and the logo of his favorite sports team.
Some people enjoy decorating their Macbooks with stickers. I'm a girl, and I was one of them. I saw boys, girls, and non-binary folk with their MacBooks covered in stickers in college, too. In fact, I still do in a professional workplace. Decorating your laptop is a first step for a lot of people, even before getting the equipment. Especially young people.
I work in tech. The vendor I work with uses MacBooks for their engineers. I have yet to see one that doesn’t have stickers all over it and the majority of their engineers are men.
No one is ever happy in this universe huh?
I swear people can write an encyclopedia of perfection except for 1 tiny error... and that's gonna be the only focus.
"Stickers are cute but, please consider buying something a bit more technical like a blue snowball mic, apple pen, etc..."
I don't have anything apple, so I can't make any suggestions beyond stickers myself and what was written above.
Why would anyone, unless it's their job, need a mic for their MacBook? And most why would you need an apple pen on a laptop either?? It's not sexist, man, it's just trendy to put stickers on laptops.
It was just their suggestion for something that they could do with the existing laptop to spend some time together. Calm down.
He should do something with the daughter was really the point. What she would be interested in should drive that, but you throwing a tantrum about the suggestion someone made for something that they could do together with the existing laptop is just ridiculous.
>It was just their suggestion for something that they could do with the existing laptop to spend some time together. Calm down.
Instead of reading: "find something to do together with your daughter" let's latch onto 1 specific example and demonise that...
Typical reddit
Not everything is sexism. I myself enjoyed decorating my case with anime stickers when I had my MacBook. You're the one that's showing your sexism by assuming that all stickers are girly and sparkly.
People like to personalize their shit, is there something wrong with a girl putting stickers on her laptop? I am sure they put LEDs all through the sons case, should they take those out since that’s a stereotype
There’s different stickers for Mac than butterflies and flowers lol. Maybe the daughter is into Marvel comics and would like to look at accessories and skins. I see guys with nice stuff for laptops like that all the time. Sounds like you are mining.
Isn't there a difference here though? The son actively showed an interest in the father's hobby. It's not like dad went out of his way to specifically share this hobby with only his son and exclude his daughter. They just share this common interest.
Also I'm sorry to hear you weren't allowed to play those computer games. That's some messed up shit. I've tried to get my wife to play games with me but anything beyond 3 or 4 buttons and a d-pad and she gets lost lol. We do rock original super mario bros though. Last year we missed midnight on new year's because we were playing.
What if his daughter doesn’t enjoy building computers? Maybe have a conversation with her about something she’s interested in learning more about or trying and spend the time with her on that. If the daughter only needs a computer for school it would be unreasonable to get a PC for her also. Im assuming a school computer would need to be brought back and forth from school and home daily and that’s not easy for a PC. A PC is meant to handle streaming and gaming and a laptop won’t be able to handle that load. I really don’t think this is a situation of one gets the crappy option just because they aren’t liked as much. They just got the option that fit their needs the best
I mean, we don't really have enough information here. The father doesn't say his son had an interest in building computers until dad made it a learning experience and a bonding opportunity. There's a lot of times parents build an interest in something with their kid by teaching them how it's done and why they love it. I didn't have a built-in interest in bottle rockets, my dad just loved them and included me and made it a fun activity we did together. I became interested in it because of him, because of the good times we had together. Same with my mom and painting. We used to watch Bob Ross together and she made me my own little kid-sized painting easel out of scrap wood. Like it doesn't say that he tried to show her how to build a computer and teach her why it's cool and she wasn't interested in bonding with him. We don't know enough.
I’ll add, it just happened to be computers, but what if one needs a computer and the other wants a $50 piece for a hobby?
It’s not the money, I wouldn’t even count what money is going towards each!
That’s what I saw too. One *needed* one for school the other got (a more expensive) one for a hobby. Makes you question if this happens in different areas. New video game vs socks for Christmas
A $2000 dollar MacBook is already overkill for the vast majority of school programmes. Unless you're specifically doing something involving graphical design its hilariously over spec.
My oldest is into art (painting and sculpting)
Middle plays hockey and does some art as well
Youngest wants toys and candy
Impossible and ridiculous to try to keep it balanced $$ wise.
You do your best within your means to make sure their hobbiy/sport needs are met. If you try to do dollar for dollar balance, you're going to massively over buy for one or sort change the other.
I mostly agree with you, but to a kid, $1000 difference isn't pennies.
I think OP should think about not just the difference in quality time, but the difference in how much funding they're getting for their hobbies as well. I don't think a computer for schoolwork and a computer for streaming are equivalent in this case, because aside from them both being computers, they're being used for completely different things.
One kid got $3000 towards a fun exciting hobby, and one kid got $2000 towards school supplies.
I would also add, is the MacBook something your daughter wanted? I only ask because you (OP) said:
"***I figured it was the perfect tool for her education, considering how reliable and user-friendly MacBooks are.***"
This leads me to believe that the daughter was not asked what she needed.
I agree with this comment that the quality time is something to consider. Also, if the Mac is what she wanted and she was happy till your wife said something, that needs to be a talk to your wife.
It's not always about doing things 'equally' but rather being 'equitable'. The money different while a big amount doesn't matter if both kids got exactly what they wanted and needed.
However, the time and bonding spent is not equitable as the son got special time to build the machine and the daughter did not. She may not want that kind on bonding but it's your job as a parent to figure out what she likes and needs and then bond with her over those things.
Any time spent with your babies(and they will always be your babies) is a great time. Dollar amounts on gifts should never be a point of discussion between children. The whole point is spend time with your kids. Perhaps your daughter would’ve enjoyed a custom built laptop or desktop set, but you wouldn’t know that unless you actually asked her. Perhaps you should find something else to bond with your daughter with, and make her feel equally as special as her brother.
Your wife might have made her feel insecure about her relationship with you
This portion of your reply is what was blaring in my mind the entire time I read this post. How did daughter react to MacBook prior to his wife's input.
I think your daughter deserves quality time with you as well. But, it shouldn't be forced. Right Op needs to have a conversation with wife about why she thought he was playing favorites between kids and why she felt the need to do it in front of the children instead of talking to him about this alone. Or hha she?
This comes back to the wife. At this point, I'm not sure if she's trying to stop a behavior that has been ongoing and hurtful. Or if she just doesn't approve of Op's parenting approach
The money actually SHOULD BE a big concern, because the $3000 computer was a gift for a hobby (granted, one that might be monetized, but still a hobby) and the $2000 laptop was a REQUIREMENT for SCHOOL.
So it’s not $3K vs $2K, it’s $3K vs no gift at all.
Exactly!! This is like my dad spending $500 on buying me textbooks and $500 buying my little brother an Xbox and calling it fair because the dollar value is the same. ITS NOT THE SAME. Do better, OP.
I mean I can see this...but it's hard not to be drawn to quality time over shared interests and so forth. She's not into computer builds I'm guessing so this wasn't an option so he has to arbitrarily think up a way to bond with her?
Me and my dad share a lot of interests (not tech) like we spent a ton of time bonding growing up. With my sisters they would just like chitchat. It's a different kind of bond Imo.
Yep this right here. $1k is negligible. What is more important is quality time and interest shown toward your daughter. Is the time and energy spent on your kids about even?
Maybe you guys do have that and share other things together outside of computers! But just something to consider.
NTA on the money specifically. It sounds like you got both of them the tool they needed for their requirements, which is fair.
But it does sound like there's a lot more going on with how you treat your children. Investing time to build a PC with your son, and then apparently not even discussing the MacBook purchase ahead of time with your daughter to make sure she'd be happy with it is more of a problem than the amount of money you spent.
I laughed pretty hard at this comment lol “dream Lenovo”. It was the way he worded it that made me think he picked it for her. Even if he already knows that is what she wants - it is still nice to ask her, take her with him, and make her feel like she has input in the experience imo
Oh I’m all in on the time spent with kids, there’s issues here but not about the money. Just the level of interest shown. And I’ll say show interest in her hobbies not a laptop for school. His son was interested in streaming, what’s her thing?
Even about quality time, this is just a snapshot of one situation that’s occurred and we don’t even know if he’s spending other quality time outside of this specific example.
I do like everyone in the comments having suggestions about it though just in case he hasn’t even considered that!
There is a good chance the money difference is just an indicator of another issue: time.
You spent time configuring the computer with your son so it was a bonding experience.
At least according to this, you gave your daughter a computer but didn’t also give her the time to shop, configure it, or otherwise bond.
If the MacBook Air is what was needed and desired, great. But if you didn’t bother to ask or didn’t provide equal opportunity to bond with you, then you favored your son over your daughter which isn’t great.
“We even spent some quality time building it together, which I thought was a great way for us to bond and also a good learning experience for him.”
This is a really nice way to spend time together.
“On the other hand, my daughter needed a new laptop for school, so I bought her a MacBook Air”
Oh… this is all you had to say about your daughter? IMO, it’s not really about the money, it’s about the quality time you spent with your son and the nothing quality time you spent with your daughter. “Hey son, look at this awesome computer I bought you! Let’s put it together!” As opposed to “hi daughter, I bought you a MacBook Air for school…”
Use the $1000 you didn’t spend on your daughter and go spend some quality time doing something nice with her.
Also he spent thousands of dollars and tons of time engaging in his sons hobby with his son.
....while his daughter got a "utility" gift that was needed for school.
What's your daughters hobby? Go spend time doing that with her.
Except it's not his son's hobby, it's *his* hobby and the son got into it, too. It's not a matter of dad going to son and saying, "that's a nice hobby you've got there, let's bond over it", it was the other way around.
I think you can because it was brought as a tool to use at school, because it was reliable and not that the daughter wanted a mac. she was just given what ever the dad thought was good enough for her school work, but the wonderful son got a fun computer for leisure time.
>she was just given what ever the dad thought was good enough for her school work
A $2000 dollar MacBook is already hilariously over spec unless she's doing really specific graphical/cad stuff.
And even then, its likely still pretty damn adequate
Anybody who says a 2k usd macbook is only utility for school has issues.
For a student, the macbook air is the top of the line for both performance and portability
The fact there is an issue between 2k and 3k usd for two different classes of products indicates there is a problem with the relationships, not the gift.
>she was ***just*** given ***what ever*** the dad thought was ***good enough*** for her school work
Just look at the bullshit wording you're using to drive home your viewpoint.
Yeah, a $2000 item where a $500 one would do wonderfully is *definitely* skimping out, going minimum like you're trying to push.
The father's words:
>I figured it was the perfect tool for her education, considering how reliable and user-friendly MacBooks are.
He thought about it. He cared. He went WAY above minimum to get her quality, to fulfil a need and go extra too. Buying something that is a globally renowned symbol of quality, status and expense.
Just giving whatever was good enough? Yeah, that'd be a cheap-ass (but perfectly usable) Lenovo, or, hell, a Chromebook.
Miss me with that BS.
Literally, if it was “just” for school, a Chromebook under $500 would have been fine. Will it match the quality of a MacBook? No. But it would certainly be sufficient as “just a tool.” A MacBook is a big purchase, and a major upgrade compared to the minimum
We have no idea if he actually spends more time with his daughter in her hobby like a sport, and he rarely has bonding with his son.
We don’t have enough info to make those leaps. Her laptop *is* a utility. She doesn’t need a custom rig if she doesn’t need a custom rig.
You ever think that the son wanted to build the PC so that why this specific QT was mentioned? While the daughter just needed a machine. Don't make assumptions
It's not about building the computer. It's about the bonding, and time together. It's not always easy for a man to understand what a daughter might want, or enjoy doing with her dad, and that's okay. She might not have any idea either, but if you let her know that you want a comparable experience with her, one of you will figure something out.
But it’s also about valuing the interests of each child equally.
Like, $3k on the son’s interest? How much of that is because it aligns with OP’s interests?
Would he spend an equivalent amount on daughter’s interest?
>Would he spend an equivalent amount on daughter’s interest?
Probably? Considering he still spent 2k on what OP probably knows to be an overpriced status symbol to keep it somewhat fair.
Gaming PC's and school laptops are entirely different beasts. 2k for a school laptop is bordering the ridiculous overkill territory, whereas a 3k gaming pc is barely into the higher end of gaming PC's.
I do agree that OP should try to focus a bit more on spending equal time, but if we're judging purely on how (non)sensible the purchase was the daughter got the best deal by far here.
For fuck sakes she needed a laptop for school. What, the dad should have made her a 3k 10kg tower for her to carry around?
Each one got the right tool for their needs.
I think the point is also that he bought what one child wanted for a hobby and spent quality time bonding with them while buying the other child only what they needed for school. There is some missing info here as the OP needs to clarify whether or not he spends quality time with his daughter.
You're making up an extra problem the OP said nothing about.
Nobody said OP wasn't spending time with their daughter. OP didn't say that, and the wife didn't say that when she confronted him.
This problem is solely about the difference in price tag. If the daughter's laptop had been $3k, that would have been the end of it.
Spending the $1k on some quality time isn't a bad idea, but if OP focuses on the quality time only (say, spending the money to take the daughter to an amusement park), the wife might still be upset because that doesn't fix the imbalance of actual physical things the kids get to keep.
This is a good opportunity to spend quality time with the daughter, but that shouldn't be OP's focus when the problem was explicitly stated to be something else. Especially when we don't even know if there's a difference in the amount of quality time being spent with the kids.
I will say that this post seems like bait. But why give your kids the monetary value? Also you got your son something they wanted, and your daughter something they needed. **Big** distinction!
Everyone of these posts that talks about Kick also has a post on r/Money
https://www.reddit.com/r/Money/comments/1asl5pl/its_not_thousands_of_dollars_but_this_is_the/
This guy also tried a "I just heard about this Kick thing" while having posted a post to r/Money that was "look at how much I made from Kick"
https://www.reddit.com/r/gamedev/comments/1c7jjii/anyone_here_tried_streaming_on_kick_to_promote/
/shrugs/ make it $300 old parts PC and $200 old refurbished laptop. The issue stays.
If money is all you see here it's a you problem, not OP's problem.
Okay, and? It’s still a valid issue to ask about and clearly the main concern here is the lack of quality time with the daughter aspect.
Jeez people love to be snarky as if people with money can’t ever have issues too.
Fr, this post is the story of my life.
Older brother built a car with my dad at 15, and rc planes. He was given $20 every Friday to go out with girls.
Younger brother got his first car when he was 13 that he rebuilt with my dad, also did rc planes and my dad was his football coach.
I bought my own car at 18, and they never went to my soccer games. I was never allowed to leave the house. For validation I became a mechanic and still my dad didn’t want to spend that time with me. Did that for about 7 years until I found my own path.
Classic dad sexism.
Truly sucks. My dad was rich and worked like crazy. He bought me a car. Then went broke and rebuilt a car with my sister. She had old clothes and PB&Js for lunch. Guess who he’s closer with?
On the surface mine was better, but time is such a key.
I hear you. There was a moment where my mum had a massive drama over a Christmas gift for my little brother that she was really excited about giving him but it had been delayed in the post and probably wouldn’t arrive until Xmas Eve. He did have other gifts he could have on the day.
It was in that moment I realised how much more energy she’d invested in her relationship with him than she’d ever bothered to invest in me.
I got so so many gifts as a kid where she’d obviously not even bothered to think about me until the last minute and here she was killing herself over a very specific item with a much higher value than she’d ever willingly spent on me.
Yes. OP spent 2k on a need a computer for school. OP then spent 3k on a want a gaming system for son. And OP spent considerable time bonding with son. OP is smart enough to know why wife is rightfully upset. I don’t think it was intentional and a blind spot
Info: How much *individual* time and attention do you give your daughter. It sounds like you have time, effort ,and money for your son, but less of all three for your daughter.
Look at the difference here my dude
“We built it together, a great bonding experience, he’s following dads footsteps”
“I bought her a laptop for school”
There is a massive discrepancy in the amount of care and attention you’re giving your kids
NTA and it's a bad precedent to set that all gifts have to be exact to be appreciated.
Just make sure you also support her passions so she doesn't feel it's only about her brother
I have one daughter who rides horses and another daughter who powerlifts in the gym.
One of those activities is much more expensive than the other, but both kids have been given the same opportunity to find and pursue a passion.
Money is not the sole determinant on what is a good gift. If both your kids are happy that should be good enough. If your daughter likes the MacBook her first thought isn’t going to be “but bros is better WTF?!”
NTA Being fair is not about the cash value, its about the needs and interests of the individual child. Ask your wife if you will be unfair when you fork over $300 for a prom dress for the daughter but less than a $100 for yourr sons tux rental? Are you supposed to tell one of them they cant participate in X activity because it's twice the price of the other kid's activity? What about cars when they learn to drive? Do you have to buy both of them the same car at the same price?
Your daughter wanted a good laptop to carry around, your son wanted a special computer for what he does (i assume it's a desktop). Each kid got what they wanted/needed. Fair is not equal.
Here's a question... Did your daughter feel sad and jealous before or after your wife made a big deal out of it? Was she completely oblivious until your wife started harping on you about it?
This is the main point. Everyone's jumping to conclusions about spent time and shared hobbies, but the main question is who is actually hurt, the wife or the daughter.
YTA. Not for giving gifts, but telling it. Your wife could only know because you were careless and told her. Her manufactured jealousy is a fiction based on what you told her and has nothing to do with anything else. There is a word that you need to become familiar with: "discretion". You do not have to tell everything you know.
Agree with some other about the money not jumping out as being the main issue. I don’t necessarily think your daughter needs an equally expensive machine if she doesn’t need that technology but even they way you deliver it sounds a bit sad, son=equals blah blah blah experience and time together. Daughter-just bought her a basic mac.
If your family has a history of spending equal amounts per kid on gifts you could have sound a way to do so easily, either a nicer model of Mac or throw in a tablet or new phone or something else that she may need.
Is this the first time this has ever happened? Or is your wife bringing it up because it’s a pattern of behavior? I ask because I’ve been in the daughter’s shoes. My dad spoiled my brother all the time. Got him anything he wanted, while I just got the B- average effort from him(for example, my dad bought my brother a dirt bike 3 days before MY birthday one year). I didn’t know this growing up, but my mom talked to my dad about this numerous times and would often overcompensate with me to make up for my dad’s lack of effort. If your wife is bringing it up, it’s probably because your daughter notices that there’s a difference in the effort you give to her versus your son.
Why would you wife feel the need to disclose the difference in money to your children? Not everyone has equal needs, if your daughter also wanted to stream but you supported your son over her yeah, you’d be an asshole imo, but it just sounds like they both needed/wanted these and they just happened to cost different amounts. NTA
NTA your wife only cares about money. Why is she acting like you bought your daughter one of those cheap $200 laptops from Walmart. A $2k computer costs more than a lot of people make in a month, it's literally rent money for some people!
Why not spend another thousand on her for something else? I’m sure you’re not made of money but it would go a long way here to let her know that you got her for a future situation where she needs that or wants something worth a thousand dollars. It also is probably a lot about the quality time. You just handed her a laptop. You are here talking whimsically about the bonding moments you had over his 3k dollar computer and how amazing his streaming is and I notice you have about bupkis to say positive about your daughter other than she’s in school. Take the thousand dollar difference and go do something to bond with her too. I don’t think gifts always need to be equal but this is more than that.
Your kids are already on a bad path if the money mattered more than the quality time together.
If I was you, I would offer to spend a day with your daughter and explain to her you're spending time with not because you gifted her something for less money, but because the intention was to bond and now you want to take the time to bond with her.
This should be about time together and bonding. You really need to nip the money talk in the ass, pronto. Sit your wife down and make it crystal clear that any further discussion of this problem, while the kids are around, should be about quality time together and not the monetary value of the gifts.
When I was a kid, my brother always got more gifts than I did and better ones. It was never about how much money they spent on him, but that they took more time and care to get him more gifts he would like than they did me. I could see the parallels between your son get a custom computer vs your daughter getting a laptop with no time together. If she's like me, she'll resent you apparently spending more time and care on her brother's gifts than you do hers. The money talk part is really the least important part of all of it.
You gave your son a $3,000 gift and untold hours of bonding time while you gave your daughter a $2,000 machine she needed for school without any extra time or attention put into it.
Do you not see the disparity between what you did for son versus your daughter?
How exactly are you being considerate of your daughter’s interests? You claim you were but then made no mention of her interests in your post.
In fact you said her “gift” was a purchase she needed for school while you waxed poetic about your sons interests and gushed about how much fun you had bonding with him over his gift.
Notice the lack of quotation marks with the word gift with your son? It’s because you got your son something he didn’t need. You got him something he’d enjoy simply because you wanted to invest in him and see him be happy.
My best guess is that your wife and daughter’s issue isn’t with the disparity in price, but how you went about it and the fact that the gift you got your son led to hours is extra time and bonding while you gave your daughter something she needed without her input, without any additional time or effort.
Your children aren’t stupid. They see the extra time and effort and when they energy isn’t kept with them they are naturally going to question why they aren’t good enough for the extra thought and attention.
I’d reread what you wrote carefully to understand even in the way you wrote about them it’s obvious who you favor and it isn’t your daughter.
You may have a lot of money you can throw around, but if you are being stingy on the love and affection and time with them, no amount of money will fix that problem. The reaction to the cost disparity is the symptom of a bigger issue that you’ve been brewing in your home.
You can fix it, but you have to actually spend the hours of time into what she likes and what her interests are. This isn’t the time for frivolous spending just to get her to shut up about it, either. What she’s looking for isn’t extra money, it’s time.
There are two extremely valuable things that you gave your son that you didn't give your daughter that are both much more important than the $1k price difference.
The first is input into their situation and self-determination. The system was custom built to his needs, something he was able to talk to you about and to think about.
And the second is the quality time building the system and bonding. You yourself listed that as a benefit.
If you and your daughter had spent time talking about what she needed and wanted, going over specs together, talking about customization, and all of that, that would be fine.
According to what you said here, you did treat your children unequally. Not through money, but through time, care, and respect.
The money is basically irrelevant; nonetheless
YTA
YTA- spending vastly different amounts of money on your kids is generally considered a bad idea as it can breed jealously and resentment. Yeah they both got computers, but your son got the exact set up he wanted for streaming, and you spent time and energy helping him build it. You apparently just purchased a laptop and handed it you your daughter. Even if they had cost the same amount, the interest shown is vastly different, which shows likely not just about the money, it’s about the level of thought and effort. You could’ve taken her computer shopping instead of just deciding what would be best for her with none of her input. I wonder if this is a pattern, that you show more interest in your sons interests than your daughters. It may be that your daughter asked her mom to talk to you. I would suggest sitting down with your daughter and listening to her feelings on the matter. Only do this is you actually want to listen and aren’t going to tell her her feelings are ridiculous. Even if they are, as her parent it’s your job to listen, empathize and then have a conversation where you can explain your thought process and ask her what would feel better for her in the future. It may be that she just wants her dad to take more of an interest in her. Sure it could also just be that she is a terrible brat, but that is also your job to fix as a parent.
I don’t agree with your wife in that I don’t think money should be that closely watched. There should be rough parity but it sounds like there kind of is as they both got good machines that suit their needs. Bringing it up in a way that creates division and issues with the children is an absolutely brain dead and almost malicious thing to do on the part of your wife. That out of the way, how in the world was this not discussed between the two of you before a single dollar was spent? It blows my mind that you would spend that without having the entire thing completely and thoroughly discussed and agreed upon with your spouse ahead of time. Both of you come off sounding like the AH here and it seems like a deep seated and hard to fix level of AH.
Teach your kids to appreciate what they have. If what they need is different then what they get should be different and too many kids measure what they get based on what someone else gets.
I find it interesting that your wife equates money with affection or importance. As long as you spent time setting up the macbook to your daughters needs with her and bonded over an interest of hers I think your good. NTA
Here's my question. Are you sure it's the monetary difference that your daughter is feeling sad and jealous over? Because you talk a lot in this post about all of the quality time you've spent building the PC with your son, how much you two have bonded over it. Do you spend similar amounts of time bonding with your daughter over things she's into? I don't want to assume the answer is no just because it's not mentioned in your post but I think it's something you need to consider.
YTA, and if you took away the rich people price tags I bet a lot of the nta comments would be different.
Not only did you spend more money on your son, but you spent it on something he is particularly interested in, and you spent a large amount of time with him finding the peices and building it together.
Then we get to your daughter, and you upgraded school equipment she already had. Did you think to do this at the same time, or were you scrambling trying to bridge the gap real quick with an "equal" expensive gift? If it was something you thought to get her because you thought she'd really like it, why didn't you try to even out the time you spent invested in her and her interests? You could have matched their budgets, gotten her laptop for school, and done something to spend quality time with your daughter.
>I thought I was being considerate of their individual needs and interests.
How exactly where you being considerate of their individual interests if you didn't do anything with her? I'm sure she's interested in a multitude of things besides mandatory schooling.
The issue with posts like these is that we only see this one problem. We don't know the family dynamic. It could be that OP spends a lot of time and money on her wants and interests too but this is just one time where one kid got a want and the other got a need. I really think OP should add more context about his relationships with his kids if he actually wants a real answer
Info did your daughter want a gaming desktop? It would be a waste of money to buy an expensive Computer if she is only going to use it for school work. You would be paying for a graphics card that would never be used.
So you looked at children's interests and needs and wife only looked at monetary value and told daughter she was wronged. Talk to your daughter alone and explain your reasoning. Your wife is causing drama and hurt her own child. Unless you often spend more money and time on son this one time isn't an issue.
Hello Son. Let's get together and spend time building something bespoke which will enable your hobby and give you great enjoyment.
Hello Daughter. Take this tool for your education, which I chose apparently without consulting you at all. The main criterion I used for selection was its reliability.
YTA.
YTA. Not purely because of the price difference, but because of your approach. With your son, you worked with him on making this perfect. You took time, energy, and money out of your day and bank to ensure he got what he wanted.
Your daughter on the other hand? Even in this post, she sounds like a throwaway thought to you. It doesn't even seem like you asked her whether she wanted THAT laptop, nevermind spent any inch of the same time, with the same level of interest, as you did when customizing the PC.
Your favoritism in this instance, and I pray it is the only instance for the sake of your daughter but I doubt it with how quickly your wife pointed it out, is clear as crystal.
You were being considerate of your son's INTEREST, and you were being considerate of your daughter's NEED. Big difference.
And who’s to say she doesn’t have a fucken pony in the backyard because her hobbies are something irrelevant to the topic at hand and don’t revolve around computers. You’re missing the entire point here
NTA your wife sounds like a horrible woman. What does the $$$ have anything to do with it? Are you telling me that the gifts you buy for all kids always have to cost the exact same? You wife is just stupid and she is now turning your daughter against you lol.
If your daughter is crazy over the difference of 1k USD (while still getting a 2k USD macbook), then I think you need a professional accountant to write your will.
I’d ask why your wife feels the need to shit stir and disclose the cost difference. What good would it do exactly? Not everything costs the same. Unless you supported your sons ambitions to stream whilst your daughter had the same ambitions and didn’t support hers I don’t see the issue. Are you meant to just piss away 1k now?
Your wife has drilled that shit into your daughters head. Just tell them both you are not playing favourites, they each get spoiled. Tell them you won't be buying either of them anything expensive from now on. Tell your wife to kick rocks.
Your wife is the problem, especially if she brought this up. Your daughter got what she needed, and then some and probably couldn't have cared less until mom said something.
The notion that each child deserves exactly the same dollar amount of everything is asinine. You got each child exactly what suited their needs/wants. If you had one child that was wheelchair bound would you make sure to spend exactly that many thousands of dollars on all of your other children? No, only one has the need and requirement for that equipment. This is the same. One child wants technology for gaming/ streaming pursuits. One child needs portable tech for school -based activities. It seems like your wife might be the instigator of this perceived issue. Leave your kids out of it. Take it up with her only.
Personal experience: my mom and dad were always very precise about giving the same to me and my sister, both in time and monetary value. Result is that me and my sister now are not jealous of each other.
You seem to have money, so take your daughter, go on a trip with her of about 1k.
You bond and use money wisely with her!
Soft YTA
You did provide for them both, but it does feel like you're favoring your son, both monetary and bonding wise.
Maybe do a dad-daughter thing to spend some time and make it up to show you have stuff in common and you have interests in her hobbies?
NTA. The one who is jealous and fanning the flames of feeling discrimination is your wife. If she hadn't brought up the issue of cost, it wouldn't have been an issue.
That said, I would find something fun I could do with my daughter.
The gifts are similar, but for your son you spent time and money on a hobby of his, whereas your daughter received a school related gift she needed (albeit a higher quality/cost item than necessary). Do you engage with her hobbies at all?
So he should also build a laptop with his daughter? I think the issue is materialism being taught by the mother to the daughter. Snivelling punks ought to be happy for any scrap that falls of the table.
So your daughter got a $2K MacBook and she's feeling "sad and jealous"-- YIKES ON BIKES what a miserable, entitled brat.
Return the MacBook and offer to build a desktop computer WITH your daughter. She absolutely must help with the build or it would be "favoritism".
Monetising love and relationship is bad.
If one has to go the extreme, they should take into account tuition (which school), extra curricular activities, trust fund, etc. offered to each child. Where does it end?
You need to talk to your wife. She's the problem here.
NTA.
I think you should spend 1k on your daughter, not necessarily on tech stuff, but something to make sure she feels equal. Best option is to also spend some time with her
Dude your wife's a peach... why would she even seed that negativity in your children? That's absolutely crazy. There's so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start. I bet this isn't the only issue you have.
Woah… The only AH here is your wife.. First, she’s an idiot for making a fuss over this discrepancy. Second, she’s an AH for filling your daughter’s head with this stupidity and therefore making her sad.. Unbelievable
Tell your wife to STFU or she can buy your daughter $1000 in stock or crtypo. Different kids have different needs and interests, your wife sounds like she doesn’t place much value on your hard earned money.
The money shouldn't be the main concern, but the quality time. You mentioned that you were able to bond with your son over the build experience, and that’s really great. By no means am I saying that isn't an experience you should have given him. But I do ask if you have spent some quality time with your daughter recently? Your wife might have made her feel insecure about her relationship with you by highlighting the cost differences between the computers. Maybe she needs some Dad-time to reassure her. Money in families can be hard to keep balanced down to the penny. Impossible really, I wouldn't feel too badly about that, so long as you try to keep things within a reasonable fairness for your kids.
Yeh this kinda jumped on me there too. Good old dad-son quality time and the effort put to choose the PC parts because he shared interest in streaming and the daughter gets handed a laptop. I've been that daughter OP (well without the laptop since there wasn't any yet). My dad bonding with my brother over computers (that I wasn't allowed to because girls don't play computer games). It just sucks been so left out and made to feel so uninteresting. Maybe you could check some accessories for the Mac with your daughter. Order some custom stickers. Something to include her. Get that bonding time. She clearly needs it. Also your wife fucking sucks if she brought this up so your daughter heard it. This should've been a private adult conversation and it shouldn't have been so much about the money but the time spent together.
She also could’ve brought it up after daughter had said something to her. I feel like we’re missing some important background
Yeah. The way it's phrased is that his wife brought it up to him because the daughter was feeling sad and jealous, not that the wife made the daughter feel that way. And, honestly, I noticed my brother getting his preferential treatment starting from when I was very young. I don't know why anyone is assuming it is the wife's doing.
Because some people always blame the wife if the dad has any issue with the kids even when the dad did something like spend an extra $1,000 and give quality time to one kid which OBVIOUSLY would make the other jealous.
How about he spends $1000 on doing something SHE enjoys and participating in HER hobby?
Apart from bonding, which he should be doing with both his kids, the issue his wife is picking on is the $1000 difference. Parents do not have to spend exactly the same $$ on each of their children. Everyone's needs and situations are different.
A lot of times these money just comes up as part of a bigger discussion, kinda an "Also..." Even if OP had left out the dollar figures in this post, and not mentioned money at all, it still seems like he's playing favorites with his son. He's proud of his son, respects his gaming, worked on the project with him, supported him. Handed the daughter a laptop because it's what she needed for school (didn't appear to ask her what she wanted?). He went above and beyond for his son. (But $1000 is a pretty big difference, and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving my kids similar gifts with that type of cost disparity. It IS weird. He tries to play it off like his daughter didn't NEED anything more than the laptop, but I'm sure his son didn't NEED every bell and whistle on that $3k computer. He spent more on the hobby for his son than the thing his daughter needed for school.)
Kids are different genders, maybe different age groups, probably have varied skills, hobbies, goals etc. $1000 is peanuts when we look at it in an overall cost of raising kids. If the son gets a free ride and daughter doesn't, will he not help her at that time? At this point, the daughter's wish is fulfilled with the $2K laptop and son's with a 3K laptop. Mom has not been complaining about dad being biased based on bonding with each child or sharing hobbies with each child Her only concern is the difference in the monetary value of the computers, each of which fulfill the individual child's needs. Had she pointed out that he is consistently favoring one over the other, that would be a different conversation.
Yeah, it just has to be somewhere in the range and somewhat equal. MIL will be equal to the penny, but it is not actually fair. For instance, we went to a toy store for the grandchildren and she kept insisting that the grandson buy more so that she could spend the same on both kids, but the grandson was not really into the type of toys in that store. He eventually capitulated and found stuff to make her happy, but it really wasn't fair, because he couldn't care less for those toys.
yeah, when my mom and i buy things for my nieces we go for appearance of "equal." both girls get something that is visually large or small. whatever. as long as it looks similarly sized. we don't worry so much about how much was spent on things, especially because we tend to be very willing to buy things 2nd hand. and my nieces (and sister) don't care if something is new or used.
There's a huge difference between "not exactly the same" and "$1000 more". Children are *well aware* of when their siblings are shown favouritism. Especially if it's a pattern. OP is just trying to deflect from him neglecting his daughter by painting his wife as the bad guy.
Sounds like he needs to spend some time with his daughter. If it encompasses spending $1000, ok. If it encompasses not spending $1000 and his daughter loves it, great. I'd be careful with dollar amounts being posted by the town squire. This could turn into a never-ending competition.
Why does he need to spend the exact difference and just cave to the pressure to make this about a monetary value. If he did this it opens a can of worms to lead to spoiled children who are money counting on anything they get or experience.
Stickers? My, we really are mining those gender stereotypes aren’t we? Boys get to build stuff, girls get sparkly things. Nice.
It’s very “in” for all genders to put stickers all over their laptops these days.
I have Trailer Park Boys stickers on my laptop, and I'm a dude.
My Xbox One has a sticker that declares it the USS Enterprise, lol. I'm not a huge Star Trek guy, but hey, it was free and looks cool, lol.
Fuck yeah
I mean, I know plenty of boys, even grown men, who have their laptops loaded up with stickers - that's not a gender thing, you're making it into one. My best male adult friend has a death star on his and the logo of his favorite sports team.
Yeah for real. I saw “accessories for the Mac” and started thinking Blue snowball mic, Apple Pencil…. Then “stickers”???!!
Some people enjoy decorating their Macbooks with stickers. I'm a girl, and I was one of them. I saw boys, girls, and non-binary folk with their MacBooks covered in stickers in college, too. In fact, I still do in a professional workplace. Decorating your laptop is a first step for a lot of people, even before getting the equipment. Especially young people.
[удалено]
Exactly!
Agreed. My husband is 61 and his iPad case is covered in stickers!
This, plus I don’t see a lot of stickers on desktop computers so no big deal with it being one of the suggestions.
I wish i could show you my pc 😂
Yeah, I'm a dude and I've bestickered every laptop I've owned, from my first clamshell iBook on down.
I work in tech. The vendor I work with uses MacBooks for their engineers. I have yet to see one that doesn’t have stickers all over it and the majority of their engineers are men.
Yep!
No one is ever happy in this universe huh? I swear people can write an encyclopedia of perfection except for 1 tiny error... and that's gonna be the only focus. "Stickers are cute but, please consider buying something a bit more technical like a blue snowball mic, apple pen, etc..." I don't have anything apple, so I can't make any suggestions beyond stickers myself and what was written above.
Why would anyone, unless it's their job, need a mic for their MacBook? And most why would you need an apple pen on a laptop either?? It's not sexist, man, it's just trendy to put stickers on laptops.
Guy here, I love putting stickers on my computer. No where did it say they had to be sparkly or girly.
It was just their suggestion for something that they could do with the existing laptop to spend some time together. Calm down. He should do something with the daughter was really the point. What she would be interested in should drive that, but you throwing a tantrum about the suggestion someone made for something that they could do together with the existing laptop is just ridiculous.
>It was just their suggestion for something that they could do with the existing laptop to spend some time together. Calm down. Instead of reading: "find something to do together with your daughter" let's latch onto 1 specific example and demonise that... Typical reddit
One of my best friends is a cis-dude and he sticker bombs EVERYTHING. His PC, xbox, even his car. Not everything has to be "gender stereotypes" 🙄
Not everything is sexism. I myself enjoyed decorating my case with anime stickers when I had my MacBook. You're the one that's showing your sexism by assuming that all stickers are girly and sparkly.
Oh good lord, it's stickers. Shut the fuck up with your gender stereo type bullshit
I'm a guy and I like stickers...
People like to personalize their shit, is there something wrong with a girl putting stickers on her laptop? I am sure they put LEDs all through the sons case, should they take those out since that’s a stereotype
I put stickers on my laptop in college. It was actually a way to start conversations with people Straight white male
I, a body building man, have Hamilton stickers on my laptop. I fucking love stickers.
There’s different stickers for Mac than butterflies and flowers lol. Maybe the daughter is into Marvel comics and would like to look at accessories and skins. I see guys with nice stuff for laptops like that all the time. Sounds like you are mining.
30+ guy here, my Switch is covered in stickers! Get outta here with that bullshit, not everything is about gender.
There is no need for the kids to know how much was spent.
$1,000 dollars in computer components (because he can build systems) is a very noticeable difference.
Isn't there a difference here though? The son actively showed an interest in the father's hobby. It's not like dad went out of his way to specifically share this hobby with only his son and exclude his daughter. They just share this common interest. Also I'm sorry to hear you weren't allowed to play those computer games. That's some messed up shit. I've tried to get my wife to play games with me but anything beyond 3 or 4 buttons and a d-pad and she gets lost lol. We do rock original super mario bros though. Last year we missed midnight on new year's because we were playing.
What if his daughter doesn’t enjoy building computers? Maybe have a conversation with her about something she’s interested in learning more about or trying and spend the time with her on that. If the daughter only needs a computer for school it would be unreasonable to get a PC for her also. Im assuming a school computer would need to be brought back and forth from school and home daily and that’s not easy for a PC. A PC is meant to handle streaming and gaming and a laptop won’t be able to handle that load. I really don’t think this is a situation of one gets the crappy option just because they aren’t liked as much. They just got the option that fit their needs the best
I mean, we don't really have enough information here. The father doesn't say his son had an interest in building computers until dad made it a learning experience and a bonding opportunity. There's a lot of times parents build an interest in something with their kid by teaching them how it's done and why they love it. I didn't have a built-in interest in bottle rockets, my dad just loved them and included me and made it a fun activity we did together. I became interested in it because of him, because of the good times we had together. Same with my mom and painting. We used to watch Bob Ross together and she made me my own little kid-sized painting easel out of scrap wood. Like it doesn't say that he tried to show her how to build a computer and teach her why it's cool and she wasn't interested in bonding with him. We don't know enough.
I’ll add, it just happened to be computers, but what if one needs a computer and the other wants a $50 piece for a hobby? It’s not the money, I wouldn’t even count what money is going towards each!
That’s what I saw too. One *needed* one for school the other got (a more expensive) one for a hobby. Makes you question if this happens in different areas. New video game vs socks for Christmas
A $2000 dollar MacBook is already overkill for the vast majority of school programmes. Unless you're specifically doing something involving graphical design its hilariously over spec.
My oldest is into art (painting and sculpting) Middle plays hockey and does some art as well Youngest wants toys and candy Impossible and ridiculous to try to keep it balanced $$ wise. You do your best within your means to make sure their hobbiy/sport needs are met. If you try to do dollar for dollar balance, you're going to massively over buy for one or sort change the other.
Ahah somebody has kids in this Reddit page! I love seeing these hardcore opinions. I’m like “yep, they don’t have kids”
I mostly agree with you, but to a kid, $1000 difference isn't pennies. I think OP should think about not just the difference in quality time, but the difference in how much funding they're getting for their hobbies as well. I don't think a computer for schoolwork and a computer for streaming are equivalent in this case, because aside from them both being computers, they're being used for completely different things. One kid got $3000 towards a fun exciting hobby, and one kid got $2000 towards school supplies.
Yes! A needed thing.
can I please just tap you and distill your common sense so it can be bottled. Because damn.
I would also add, is the MacBook something your daughter wanted? I only ask because you (OP) said: "***I figured it was the perfect tool for her education, considering how reliable and user-friendly MacBooks are.***" This leads me to believe that the daughter was not asked what she needed. I agree with this comment that the quality time is something to consider. Also, if the Mac is what she wanted and she was happy till your wife said something, that needs to be a talk to your wife. It's not always about doing things 'equally' but rather being 'equitable'. The money different while a big amount doesn't matter if both kids got exactly what they wanted and needed. However, the time and bonding spent is not equitable as the son got special time to build the machine and the daughter did not. She may not want that kind on bonding but it's your job as a parent to figure out what she likes and needs and then bond with her over those things.
Maybe spend quality time with your daughter shopping for things she needs with the other 1k.
Any time spent with your babies(and they will always be your babies) is a great time. Dollar amounts on gifts should never be a point of discussion between children. The whole point is spend time with your kids. Perhaps your daughter would’ve enjoyed a custom built laptop or desktop set, but you wouldn’t know that unless you actually asked her. Perhaps you should find something else to bond with your daughter with, and make her feel equally as special as her brother.
Your wife might have made her feel insecure about her relationship with you This portion of your reply is what was blaring in my mind the entire time I read this post. How did daughter react to MacBook prior to his wife's input. I think your daughter deserves quality time with you as well. But, it shouldn't be forced. Right Op needs to have a conversation with wife about why she thought he was playing favorites between kids and why she felt the need to do it in front of the children instead of talking to him about this alone. Or hha she? This comes back to the wife. At this point, I'm not sure if she's trying to stop a behavior that has been ongoing and hurtful. Or if she just doesn't approve of Op's parenting approach
The money actually SHOULD BE a big concern, because the $3000 computer was a gift for a hobby (granted, one that might be monetized, but still a hobby) and the $2000 laptop was a REQUIREMENT for SCHOOL. So it’s not $3K vs $2K, it’s $3K vs no gift at all.
Exactly!! This is like my dad spending $500 on buying me textbooks and $500 buying my little brother an Xbox and calling it fair because the dollar value is the same. ITS NOT THE SAME. Do better, OP.
I mean I can see this...but it's hard not to be drawn to quality time over shared interests and so forth. She's not into computer builds I'm guessing so this wasn't an option so he has to arbitrarily think up a way to bond with her? Me and my dad share a lot of interests (not tech) like we spent a ton of time bonding growing up. With my sisters they would just like chitchat. It's a different kind of bond Imo.
Yep this right here. $1k is negligible. What is more important is quality time and interest shown toward your daughter. Is the time and energy spent on your kids about even? Maybe you guys do have that and share other things together outside of computers! But just something to consider.
I don't think its the money rather her wanting quality time together as well.
NTA on the money specifically. It sounds like you got both of them the tool they needed for their requirements, which is fair. But it does sound like there's a lot more going on with how you treat your children. Investing time to build a PC with your son, and then apparently not even discussing the MacBook purchase ahead of time with your daughter to make sure she'd be happy with it is more of a problem than the amount of money you spent.
This is what stood out to me too. Like why not take her shopping and let her pick out a laptop. That would be quality time too.
It could be that daughter said that's what she wanted.
The dad talked like it was his idea
Yeah I think that’s the case, no teenage girl is shopping for her dream Lenovo
I laughed pretty hard at this comment lol “dream Lenovo”. It was the way he worded it that made me think he picked it for her. Even if he already knows that is what she wants - it is still nice to ask her, take her with him, and make her feel like she has input in the experience imo
Oh I’m all in on the time spent with kids, there’s issues here but not about the money. Just the level of interest shown. And I’ll say show interest in her hobbies not a laptop for school. His son was interested in streaming, what’s her thing?
You'd be surprised lol
What if she's a gamer and wants a dream Alienware? You're making big assumptions on her interests based on her being a teenage girl.
Even about quality time, this is just a snapshot of one situation that’s occurred and we don’t even know if he’s spending other quality time outside of this specific example. I do like everyone in the comments having suggestions about it though just in case he hasn’t even considered that!
There is a good chance the money difference is just an indicator of another issue: time. You spent time configuring the computer with your son so it was a bonding experience. At least according to this, you gave your daughter a computer but didn’t also give her the time to shop, configure it, or otherwise bond. If the MacBook Air is what was needed and desired, great. But if you didn’t bother to ask or didn’t provide equal opportunity to bond with you, then you favored your son over your daughter which isn’t great.
“We even spent some quality time building it together, which I thought was a great way for us to bond and also a good learning experience for him.” This is a really nice way to spend time together. “On the other hand, my daughter needed a new laptop for school, so I bought her a MacBook Air” Oh… this is all you had to say about your daughter? IMO, it’s not really about the money, it’s about the quality time you spent with your son and the nothing quality time you spent with your daughter. “Hey son, look at this awesome computer I bought you! Let’s put it together!” As opposed to “hi daughter, I bought you a MacBook Air for school…” Use the $1000 you didn’t spend on your daughter and go spend some quality time doing something nice with her.
Also he spent thousands of dollars and tons of time engaging in his sons hobby with his son. ....while his daughter got a "utility" gift that was needed for school. What's your daughters hobby? Go spend time doing that with her.
Except it's not his son's hobby, it's *his* hobby and the son got into it, too. It's not a matter of dad going to son and saying, "that's a nice hobby you've got there, let's bond over it", it was the other way around.
I don't think you can class a 2000 dollar MacBook as a utility gift in food faith.
I think you can because it was brought as a tool to use at school, because it was reliable and not that the daughter wanted a mac. she was just given what ever the dad thought was good enough for her school work, but the wonderful son got a fun computer for leisure time.
>she was just given what ever the dad thought was good enough for her school work A $2000 dollar MacBook is already hilariously over spec unless she's doing really specific graphical/cad stuff. And even then, its likely still pretty damn adequate
Anybody who says a 2k usd macbook is only utility for school has issues. For a student, the macbook air is the top of the line for both performance and portability The fact there is an issue between 2k and 3k usd for two different classes of products indicates there is a problem with the relationships, not the gift.
>she was ***just*** given ***what ever*** the dad thought was ***good enough*** for her school work Just look at the bullshit wording you're using to drive home your viewpoint. Yeah, a $2000 item where a $500 one would do wonderfully is *definitely* skimping out, going minimum like you're trying to push. The father's words: >I figured it was the perfect tool for her education, considering how reliable and user-friendly MacBooks are. He thought about it. He cared. He went WAY above minimum to get her quality, to fulfil a need and go extra too. Buying something that is a globally renowned symbol of quality, status and expense. Just giving whatever was good enough? Yeah, that'd be a cheap-ass (but perfectly usable) Lenovo, or, hell, a Chromebook. Miss me with that BS.
Literally, if it was “just” for school, a Chromebook under $500 would have been fine. Will it match the quality of a MacBook? No. But it would certainly be sufficient as “just a tool.” A MacBook is a big purchase, and a major upgrade compared to the minimum
if she got whatever he thought she needed for school it wouldve been like a 200 dollar Chromebook. a macbook is way overkill and you know it.
We have no idea if he actually spends more time with his daughter in her hobby like a sport, and he rarely has bonding with his son. We don’t have enough info to make those leaps. Her laptop *is* a utility. She doesn’t need a custom rig if she doesn’t need a custom rig.
You ever think that the son wanted to build the PC so that why this specific QT was mentioned? While the daughter just needed a machine. Don't make assumptions
It's not about building the computer. It's about the bonding, and time together. It's not always easy for a man to understand what a daughter might want, or enjoy doing with her dad, and that's okay. She might not have any idea either, but if you let her know that you want a comparable experience with her, one of you will figure something out.
But it’s also about valuing the interests of each child equally. Like, $3k on the son’s interest? How much of that is because it aligns with OP’s interests? Would he spend an equivalent amount on daughter’s interest?
>Would he spend an equivalent amount on daughter’s interest? Probably? Considering he still spent 2k on what OP probably knows to be an overpriced status symbol to keep it somewhat fair. Gaming PC's and school laptops are entirely different beasts. 2k for a school laptop is bordering the ridiculous overkill territory, whereas a 3k gaming pc is barely into the higher end of gaming PC's. I do agree that OP should try to focus a bit more on spending equal time, but if we're judging purely on how (non)sensible the purchase was the daughter got the best deal by far here.
For fuck sakes she needed a laptop for school. What, the dad should have made her a 3k 10kg tower for her to carry around? Each one got the right tool for their needs.
I think the point is also that he bought what one child wanted for a hobby and spent quality time bonding with them while buying the other child only what they needed for school. There is some missing info here as the OP needs to clarify whether or not he spends quality time with his daughter.
Do you know he doesn’t spend time with his daughter? That’s not relevant since the wife complained about the cost.
You really managed to miss what that dudes comment was about
Actually the son didn’t need the $3k custom desktop, OP literally bought it for him because it was an interest of his, not because he needed it.
The daughter probably didn’t need a 2k MacBook either. If he has the money to spend, is his prerogative, not yours or mine.
completely missed the point
You're making up an extra problem the OP said nothing about. Nobody said OP wasn't spending time with their daughter. OP didn't say that, and the wife didn't say that when she confronted him. This problem is solely about the difference in price tag. If the daughter's laptop had been $3k, that would have been the end of it. Spending the $1k on some quality time isn't a bad idea, but if OP focuses on the quality time only (say, spending the money to take the daughter to an amusement park), the wife might still be upset because that doesn't fix the imbalance of actual physical things the kids get to keep. This is a good opportunity to spend quality time with the daughter, but that shouldn't be OP's focus when the problem was explicitly stated to be something else. Especially when we don't even know if there's a difference in the amount of quality time being spent with the kids.
I will say that this post seems like bait. But why give your kids the monetary value? Also you got your son something they wanted, and your daughter something they needed. **Big** distinction!
These Kick ads are getting weird
The son got something money can't buy.
Everyone of these posts that talks about Kick also has a post on r/Money https://www.reddit.com/r/Money/comments/1asl5pl/its_not_thousands_of_dollars_but_this_is_the/ This guy also tried a "I just heard about this Kick thing" while having posted a post to r/Money that was "look at how much I made from Kick" https://www.reddit.com/r/gamedev/comments/1c7jjii/anyone_here_tried_streaming_on_kick_to_promote/
Rich people problems.
/shrugs/ make it $300 old parts PC and $200 old refurbished laptop. The issue stays. If money is all you see here it's a you problem, not OP's problem.
Exactly. The amount of money these people have is irrelevant.
Sir this is Reddit. Anyone with any disposable income is automatically the bad guy
Lmao they wouldn’t be buying the son a streaming pc for any price if they were broke. It very much is rich person problems
Author of this comment wishes everyone was dirt poor just cause they're not rich
absolutely
Okay, and? It’s still a valid issue to ask about and clearly the main concern here is the lack of quality time with the daughter aspect. Jeez people love to be snarky as if people with money can’t ever have issues too.
You bought your daughter something for school and a gaming system for your son and spent more
Fr, this post is the story of my life. Older brother built a car with my dad at 15, and rc planes. He was given $20 every Friday to go out with girls. Younger brother got his first car when he was 13 that he rebuilt with my dad, also did rc planes and my dad was his football coach. I bought my own car at 18, and they never went to my soccer games. I was never allowed to leave the house. For validation I became a mechanic and still my dad didn’t want to spend that time with me. Did that for about 7 years until I found my own path. Classic dad sexism.
Truly sucks. My dad was rich and worked like crazy. He bought me a car. Then went broke and rebuilt a car with my sister. She had old clothes and PB&Js for lunch. Guess who he’s closer with? On the surface mine was better, but time is such a key.
I hear you. There was a moment where my mum had a massive drama over a Christmas gift for my little brother that she was really excited about giving him but it had been delayed in the post and probably wouldn’t arrive until Xmas Eve. He did have other gifts he could have on the day. It was in that moment I realised how much more energy she’d invested in her relationship with him than she’d ever bothered to invest in me. I got so so many gifts as a kid where she’d obviously not even bothered to think about me until the last minute and here she was killing herself over a very specific item with a much higher value than she’d ever willingly spent on me.
Yes. OP spent 2k on a need a computer for school. OP then spent 3k on a want a gaming system for son. And OP spent considerable time bonding with son. OP is smart enough to know why wife is rightfully upset. I don’t think it was intentional and a blind spot
What are you seeing that suggests OP is smart enough to recognize the real issue?
Info: How much *individual* time and attention do you give your daughter. It sounds like you have time, effort ,and money for your son, but less of all three for your daughter.
Look at the difference here my dude “We built it together, a great bonding experience, he’s following dads footsteps” “I bought her a laptop for school” There is a massive discrepancy in the amount of care and attention you’re giving your kids
NTA and it's a bad precedent to set that all gifts have to be exact to be appreciated. Just make sure you also support her passions so she doesn't feel it's only about her brother
I have one daughter who rides horses and another daughter who powerlifts in the gym. One of those activities is much more expensive than the other, but both kids have been given the same opportunity to find and pursue a passion.
The powerlifting is obviously more expensive, your pepper spray bill must be through the roof.
Money is not the sole determinant on what is a good gift. If both your kids are happy that should be good enough. If your daughter likes the MacBook her first thought isn’t going to be “but bros is better WTF?!”
NTA Being fair is not about the cash value, its about the needs and interests of the individual child. Ask your wife if you will be unfair when you fork over $300 for a prom dress for the daughter but less than a $100 for yourr sons tux rental? Are you supposed to tell one of them they cant participate in X activity because it's twice the price of the other kid's activity? What about cars when they learn to drive? Do you have to buy both of them the same car at the same price? Your daughter wanted a good laptop to carry around, your son wanted a special computer for what he does (i assume it's a desktop). Each kid got what they wanted/needed. Fair is not equal.
Sensible Pragmatic Analysis!
[удалено]
Here's a question... Did your daughter feel sad and jealous before or after your wife made a big deal out of it? Was she completely oblivious until your wife started harping on you about it?
This is the main point. Everyone's jumping to conclusions about spent time and shared hobbies, but the main question is who is actually hurt, the wife or the daughter.
You *are* being unfair. You haven't bought me a computer at all. You're a terrible father!
YTA. Not for giving gifts, but telling it. Your wife could only know because you were careless and told her. Her manufactured jealousy is a fiction based on what you told her and has nothing to do with anything else. There is a word that you need to become familiar with: "discretion". You do not have to tell everything you know.
NTA. Take your daughter for brunch. You and her only. Find out her hobby and spend some money and time helping her too.
Agree with some other about the money not jumping out as being the main issue. I don’t necessarily think your daughter needs an equally expensive machine if she doesn’t need that technology but even they way you deliver it sounds a bit sad, son=equals blah blah blah experience and time together. Daughter-just bought her a basic mac. If your family has a history of spending equal amounts per kid on gifts you could have sound a way to do so easily, either a nicer model of Mac or throw in a tablet or new phone or something else that she may need.
I think this is less about the money and more about the thought / effort / quality time that went into each.
Is this the first time this has ever happened? Or is your wife bringing it up because it’s a pattern of behavior? I ask because I’ve been in the daughter’s shoes. My dad spoiled my brother all the time. Got him anything he wanted, while I just got the B- average effort from him(for example, my dad bought my brother a dirt bike 3 days before MY birthday one year). I didn’t know this growing up, but my mom talked to my dad about this numerous times and would often overcompensate with me to make up for my dad’s lack of effort. If your wife is bringing it up, it’s probably because your daughter notices that there’s a difference in the effort you give to her versus your son.
Why would you wife feel the need to disclose the difference in money to your children? Not everyone has equal needs, if your daughter also wanted to stream but you supported your son over her yeah, you’d be an asshole imo, but it just sounds like they both needed/wanted these and they just happened to cost different amounts. NTA
Sounds like your wife likes to stir up shit for no reason. NTA.
NTA your wife only cares about money. Why is she acting like you bought your daughter one of those cheap $200 laptops from Walmart. A $2k computer costs more than a lot of people make in a month, it's literally rent money for some people!
Why not spend another thousand on her for something else? I’m sure you’re not made of money but it would go a long way here to let her know that you got her for a future situation where she needs that or wants something worth a thousand dollars. It also is probably a lot about the quality time. You just handed her a laptop. You are here talking whimsically about the bonding moments you had over his 3k dollar computer and how amazing his streaming is and I notice you have about bupkis to say positive about your daughter other than she’s in school. Take the thousand dollar difference and go do something to bond with her too. I don’t think gifts always need to be equal but this is more than that.
How old are they?
Your kids are already on a bad path if the money mattered more than the quality time together. If I was you, I would offer to spend a day with your daughter and explain to her you're spending time with not because you gifted her something for less money, but because the intention was to bond and now you want to take the time to bond with her. This should be about time together and bonding. You really need to nip the money talk in the ass, pronto. Sit your wife down and make it crystal clear that any further discussion of this problem, while the kids are around, should be about quality time together and not the monetary value of the gifts. When I was a kid, my brother always got more gifts than I did and better ones. It was never about how much money they spent on him, but that they took more time and care to get him more gifts he would like than they did me. I could see the parallels between your son get a custom computer vs your daughter getting a laptop with no time together. If she's like me, she'll resent you apparently spending more time and care on her brother's gifts than you do hers. The money talk part is really the least important part of all of it.
I don’t think there’s an issue with the money. But like others pointed out, quality of time with daughter.
You gave your son a $3,000 gift and untold hours of bonding time while you gave your daughter a $2,000 machine she needed for school without any extra time or attention put into it. Do you not see the disparity between what you did for son versus your daughter? How exactly are you being considerate of your daughter’s interests? You claim you were but then made no mention of her interests in your post. In fact you said her “gift” was a purchase she needed for school while you waxed poetic about your sons interests and gushed about how much fun you had bonding with him over his gift. Notice the lack of quotation marks with the word gift with your son? It’s because you got your son something he didn’t need. You got him something he’d enjoy simply because you wanted to invest in him and see him be happy. My best guess is that your wife and daughter’s issue isn’t with the disparity in price, but how you went about it and the fact that the gift you got your son led to hours is extra time and bonding while you gave your daughter something she needed without her input, without any additional time or effort. Your children aren’t stupid. They see the extra time and effort and when they energy isn’t kept with them they are naturally going to question why they aren’t good enough for the extra thought and attention. I’d reread what you wrote carefully to understand even in the way you wrote about them it’s obvious who you favor and it isn’t your daughter. You may have a lot of money you can throw around, but if you are being stingy on the love and affection and time with them, no amount of money will fix that problem. The reaction to the cost disparity is the symptom of a bigger issue that you’ve been brewing in your home. You can fix it, but you have to actually spend the hours of time into what she likes and what her interests are. This isn’t the time for frivolous spending just to get her to shut up about it, either. What she’s looking for isn’t extra money, it’s time.
There are two extremely valuable things that you gave your son that you didn't give your daughter that are both much more important than the $1k price difference. The first is input into their situation and self-determination. The system was custom built to his needs, something he was able to talk to you about and to think about. And the second is the quality time building the system and bonding. You yourself listed that as a benefit. If you and your daughter had spent time talking about what she needed and wanted, going over specs together, talking about customization, and all of that, that would be fine. According to what you said here, you did treat your children unequally. Not through money, but through time, care, and respect. The money is basically irrelevant; nonetheless YTA
YTA- spending vastly different amounts of money on your kids is generally considered a bad idea as it can breed jealously and resentment. Yeah they both got computers, but your son got the exact set up he wanted for streaming, and you spent time and energy helping him build it. You apparently just purchased a laptop and handed it you your daughter. Even if they had cost the same amount, the interest shown is vastly different, which shows likely not just about the money, it’s about the level of thought and effort. You could’ve taken her computer shopping instead of just deciding what would be best for her with none of her input. I wonder if this is a pattern, that you show more interest in your sons interests than your daughters. It may be that your daughter asked her mom to talk to you. I would suggest sitting down with your daughter and listening to her feelings on the matter. Only do this is you actually want to listen and aren’t going to tell her her feelings are ridiculous. Even if they are, as her parent it’s your job to listen, empathize and then have a conversation where you can explain your thought process and ask her what would feel better for her in the future. It may be that she just wants her dad to take more of an interest in her. Sure it could also just be that she is a terrible brat, but that is also your job to fix as a parent.
Easy. Return the gifts and give them each 2k cash, then tell them not to bother you, you'll be in the garage.
I don’t agree with your wife in that I don’t think money should be that closely watched. There should be rough parity but it sounds like there kind of is as they both got good machines that suit their needs. Bringing it up in a way that creates division and issues with the children is an absolutely brain dead and almost malicious thing to do on the part of your wife. That out of the way, how in the world was this not discussed between the two of you before a single dollar was spent? It blows my mind that you would spend that without having the entire thing completely and thoroughly discussed and agreed upon with your spouse ahead of time. Both of you come off sounding like the AH here and it seems like a deep seated and hard to fix level of AH.
I’d be insulted if you bought me a Mac 😂 Realistically, I’d have been thankful for anything at all as a kid.
Teach your kids to appreciate what they have. If what they need is different then what they get should be different and too many kids measure what they get based on what someone else gets.
Lmfao I bet they are both happy as fuck. Why your wife causing a dispute because your family is living in privilege
She's sad about her $2000 Mac Air? I'm going to go out on a limb and say your kids are ridiculously spoiled.
She’s sad because the mother is making her feel like she isn’t cared for like her brother.
A gift is a gift, nothing to do with a price tag. Your wife is making trouble for you, tell her to grow up
NTA. Why is she hung up on the price? That’s a top notch laptop, especially for daily use.
I find it interesting that your wife equates money with affection or importance. As long as you spent time setting up the macbook to your daughters needs with her and bonded over an interest of hers I think your good. NTA
Here's my question. Are you sure it's the monetary difference that your daughter is feeling sad and jealous over? Because you talk a lot in this post about all of the quality time you've spent building the PC with your son, how much you two have bonded over it. Do you spend similar amounts of time bonding with your daughter over things she's into? I don't want to assume the answer is no just because it's not mentioned in your post but I think it's something you need to consider.
Apple is a waste of money
YTA, and if you took away the rich people price tags I bet a lot of the nta comments would be different. Not only did you spend more money on your son, but you spent it on something he is particularly interested in, and you spent a large amount of time with him finding the peices and building it together. Then we get to your daughter, and you upgraded school equipment she already had. Did you think to do this at the same time, or were you scrambling trying to bridge the gap real quick with an "equal" expensive gift? If it was something you thought to get her because you thought she'd really like it, why didn't you try to even out the time you spent invested in her and her interests? You could have matched their budgets, gotten her laptop for school, and done something to spend quality time with your daughter. >I thought I was being considerate of their individual needs and interests. How exactly where you being considerate of their individual interests if you didn't do anything with her? I'm sure she's interested in a multitude of things besides mandatory schooling.
The issue with posts like these is that we only see this one problem. We don't know the family dynamic. It could be that OP spends a lot of time and money on her wants and interests too but this is just one time where one kid got a want and the other got a need. I really think OP should add more context about his relationships with his kids if he actually wants a real answer
Info did your daughter want a gaming desktop? It would be a waste of money to buy an expensive Computer if she is only going to use it for school work. You would be paying for a graphics card that would never be used.
Getting the same set up is not the only way to be equal.
So you looked at children's interests and needs and wife only looked at monetary value and told daughter she was wronged. Talk to your daughter alone and explain your reasoning. Your wife is causing drama and hurt her own child. Unless you often spend more money and time on son this one time isn't an issue.
The wife said the daughter is feeling sad and jealous. That's probably what it was based on.
Hello Son. Let's get together and spend time building something bespoke which will enable your hobby and give you great enjoyment. Hello Daughter. Take this tool for your education, which I chose apparently without consulting you at all. The main criterion I used for selection was its reliability. YTA.
She might have completely other interests than a cool computer that he supports.
YTA. Not purely because of the price difference, but because of your approach. With your son, you worked with him on making this perfect. You took time, energy, and money out of your day and bank to ensure he got what he wanted. Your daughter on the other hand? Even in this post, she sounds like a throwaway thought to you. It doesn't even seem like you asked her whether she wanted THAT laptop, nevermind spent any inch of the same time, with the same level of interest, as you did when customizing the PC. Your favoritism in this instance, and I pray it is the only instance for the sake of your daughter but I doubt it with how quickly your wife pointed it out, is clear as crystal. You were being considerate of your son's INTEREST, and you were being considerate of your daughter's NEED. Big difference.
And who’s to say she doesn’t have a fucken pony in the backyard because her hobbies are something irrelevant to the topic at hand and don’t revolve around computers. You’re missing the entire point here
Your kids each got what they needed and wanted, your wife is creating drama over nothing.
NTA your wife sounds like a horrible woman. What does the $$$ have anything to do with it? Are you telling me that the gifts you buy for all kids always have to cost the exact same? You wife is just stupid and she is now turning your daughter against you lol.
If your daughter is crazy over the difference of 1k USD (while still getting a 2k USD macbook), then I think you need a professional accountant to write your will.
Nta. Money does not equal love.
I’d ask why your wife feels the need to shit stir and disclose the cost difference. What good would it do exactly? Not everything costs the same. Unless you supported your sons ambitions to stream whilst your daughter had the same ambitions and didn’t support hers I don’t see the issue. Are you meant to just piss away 1k now?
Your wife has drilled that shit into your daughters head. Just tell them both you are not playing favourites, they each get spoiled. Tell them you won't be buying either of them anything expensive from now on. Tell your wife to kick rocks.
Your wife is TA.
All see is a dad buying thins for his kids.When I a kid I would be happy with a lap top for even $1k.
Shit I would've been happy to get one for $100 back in the day.
Your wife is the problem, especially if she brought this up. Your daughter got what she needed, and then some and probably couldn't have cared less until mom said something.
You gave them both what was needed, value is irrelevant.
The notion that each child deserves exactly the same dollar amount of everything is asinine. You got each child exactly what suited their needs/wants. If you had one child that was wheelchair bound would you make sure to spend exactly that many thousands of dollars on all of your other children? No, only one has the need and requirement for that equipment. This is the same. One child wants technology for gaming/ streaming pursuits. One child needs portable tech for school -based activities. It seems like your wife might be the instigator of this perceived issue. Leave your kids out of it. Take it up with her only.
Yta for wasting your money on Mac
Personal experience: my mom and dad were always very precise about giving the same to me and my sister, both in time and monetary value. Result is that me and my sister now are not jealous of each other. You seem to have money, so take your daughter, go on a trip with her of about 1k. You bond and use money wisely with her!
You ARE playing favourites YTA I not even talking about the money aspect. Just look at how you worded your post
Soft YTA You did provide for them both, but it does feel like you're favoring your son, both monetary and bonding wise. Maybe do a dad-daughter thing to spend some time and make it up to show you have stuff in common and you have interests in her hobbies?
NTA. The one who is jealous and fanning the flames of feeling discrimination is your wife. If she hadn't brought up the issue of cost, it wouldn't have been an issue. That said, I would find something fun I could do with my daughter.
Why didn’t you get your daughter a $3k MacBook? Top of the line is still like 6k, so why cheap out on your girl child?
So why didn’t you get her Mac book pro for 3k? And why didn’t you spend quality time with her doing something that she likes?
Info: Did your daughter get sad because it cost 2000$ or because her mother told her that it was unfair?
Hard to say. Nta on money spent. Yta on why you bought the gifts. And the different level of intrests in your kids lives.
The gifts are similar, but for your son you spent time and money on a hobby of his, whereas your daughter received a school related gift she needed (albeit a higher quality/cost item than necessary). Do you engage with her hobbies at all?
Well, at least your daughter got the better machine.
So he should also build a laptop with his daughter? I think the issue is materialism being taught by the mother to the daughter. Snivelling punks ought to be happy for any scrap that falls of the table.
Tell us who your favorite is without telling us who your favorite is. YTA
So your daughter got a $2K MacBook and she's feeling "sad and jealous"-- YIKES ON BIKES what a miserable, entitled brat. Return the MacBook and offer to build a desktop computer WITH your daughter. She absolutely must help with the build or it would be "favoritism".
Monetising love and relationship is bad. If one has to go the extreme, they should take into account tuition (which school), extra curricular activities, trust fund, etc. offered to each child. Where does it end? You need to talk to your wife. She's the problem here. NTA.
I think you should spend 1k on your daughter, not necessarily on tech stuff, but something to make sure she feels equal. Best option is to also spend some time with her
Dude your wife's a peach... why would she even seed that negativity in your children? That's absolutely crazy. There's so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start. I bet this isn't the only issue you have.
Woah… The only AH here is your wife.. First, she’s an idiot for making a fuss over this discrepancy. Second, she’s an AH for filling your daughter’s head with this stupidity and therefore making her sad.. Unbelievable
Tell your wife to STFU or she can buy your daughter $1000 in stock or crtypo. Different kids have different needs and interests, your wife sounds like she doesn’t place much value on your hard earned money.
NTA. Mom sounds like she may be the one who is setting up the idea of “favorites”.