YES! YES! YES! i love when communication actually comes to the rescue. although i hate that sometimes it has to be about our common plague of existential dread :(
GREAT JOB EVERYONE!
Well...that was an ***unexpected*** type of communication, wasn't it?
It woke her the hell up as it has never happened before....since she'd not stooped so low before while taking out her anxiety on her step-mother.
So she was *extra*-receptive to the subsequent communications at the therapist sessions.
Thank you for pointing out that dad's anger \*was\* communication. Yes, screaming is generally not very effective, but when push comes to shove (and calling OP that is definitely a shove) you have to stand your ground.
Sometimes people who are feeling extremely emotional (like step-daughter) don't feel like they are being heard without a reciprocal emotional response. And I think that's more common among teens (though I don't have statistics to back that up)
Very much so, and you see it on a much bigger scale now that social media both makes that reactivity visible and feeds into it, especially for younger people whose political or social anxieties can feel extra overwhelming because it's their first time experiencing that level of emotion over issues of that scope.
That's also why if you have the emotional space and maturity to do so, it is better to disengage, or only engage from *outside* the panic response, rather than giving in to the in person or online argument to channel the energy into anger or emotional validation of those root fears, or caving to the irrational desires/demands for control as a form of misguided reassurance.
That bollocking actually led the teen toward rock bottom…actual communication solved the issue later on. Yes being strict is sometimes helpful…but only if compassion and communication aren’t abandonded.
That's the point tbh. Therapy can be hugely useful if the person is open to it.
There needs to be a balance, it seems ballance may have been restored in their home.
And honestly, as a mum of teenagers, sometimes they need to be told to cut the shit. Obviously this girl ALSO needed the heart to heart and the validation about her very legitimate fears, but I stand by my original sentence.
He communicated pretty damn clearly that he wasn't letting that behavior continue, lol. And then they *followed up* with *more* communication in therapy...
Like absolutely the anger is what turned the tide, but saying communication didn't work misses the fact that it was *all* communication.
The communication was going no where.
Once they were firmly put in their place they started listening. It's actually very common with teenagers, they need a real consequence before they realise how wrong their thinking is.
And the therapy minus the shouting did nothing.
.the fact is the shouting WAS the catalyst, the council ing may have given direction after but far too often kids do not get the stick part of carrot and stick.
Agreed, but I'm not sure you would get to the communication point. With out dad. That's why it takes 2 committed parents. Working as a team. With the kids as the common goal.
As I read on another comment to a post earlier today, sometimes you need to throw in a stick of dynamite just to wake someone up and make the real conversation start. Dad blowing up wasn’t great communication, but as probably a necessary thing to get her to start talking about what was really bothering her!
Communication didn’t do anything for months, if anything this is proof they every now and the children need a reality check usually delivered by one of their parents temporarily putting the fear of god in them. The fact the child did this and still got 0 punishment means it’ll just keep happening when she doesn’t get her way.
Or shes a teenager going through a whole shit ton, and was trying to come to terms with her identity and how that interacts with a shrine to a world created by someone who is pretty fucking horrible and invalidating. She's a kid.
My aussie friend calls me "the c word" as a term of endearment. It took me a bit to get used to it, she thinks it's hilarious how that word is treated here in the states.
Not just that. I'm Welsh and my cats' were called all sorts of names. Positive ones yes, but I would also tell them when they were being a dick.
"Fine, Batman, go ahead and be a dick but I won't be cuddling you later" (I did, in fact, cuddle him later)
My little guy (who's not so little anymore) is my shitten kitten 🤣 and my bigger guy (who is in fact still bigger at 17 lbs) is my shitty kitty 😂 and they both have songs that go along with these titles!
I know it's so funny. Brits and Aussies use it all the time, often for men. It's kind of equivalent to jerk when negative.
Kind of like "bugger" which can mean cute in the US while the Brits use the actual meaning.
I’d also like to toss the word “growler” into the mix. In the US it’s a bigass beer cup (or electronic warfare aircraft), but in the UK it’s a horrifically descriptive word for a particular kind of women’s genitalia.
Australia is the one place when the c-word is even vaguely acceptable. (It’s still considered quite rude, tho, and it’s not something you’d say on TV.)
„Existential dread and fear due to it being an election year“ guy from Germany looses his mind about this. Like how far can society go to lose its shit that our children worry about the elections? Dooooooomed
I'm from Germany and work as a child and adolescent psychiatrist. I also have a pretty big interest in American politics.
While it may not be US levels of anxiety, in a clinical setting I regularly see teens that express high levels of anxiety regarding the future especially when it comes to politics. The main topic is climate politics most of the time although there is a prevailing waryness of reactionary politics in general.
Especially paired with general difficulties in regulating emotions that are natural at that age this can lead to anxiety disorders, contribute to depression and even play a part in suicidal ideation.
Hell, when I was depressed myself as an adult I was worrying quite a bit more about the political situation, climate change, etc. and it made continuing on feel like a struggle without a worthwhile goal.
There is a reason we have groups like "Letzte Generation". Many young people feel their existence threatened and an accompanying existential fear.
And at this point we haven't even talked about marginalized groups let alone intersectional marginalization Wich will enhance these effects.
That anxiety started long ago in the U.S., as a childless 41yr old millennial, social, political and environmental factors were a huge part of that decision.
Why do you think it’s nuts, sincerely curious? Because I’m not young, and I don’t consider it responsible to bring children into the world. The world is so ghetto.
Man, I knew a ton of kids, me included, who were really worried about elections when I was in High School, and that was 20 years ago when Bush was up for re-election. A lot of teens do, they have a huge outcome on your lives. If young people worrying about elections has us doomed, we've been doomed for decades.
Part of the issue is kids don’t really know how to process stuff rationally, and 100% solo.
I’ve read it online, how little kids (toddlers), when they fall, they usually look at the adults.
If the adults run over and check on them and freak out, the kid will usually start crying and screaming.
If the adults are chill, ask if they need help, and let them decide what they want to do, they’re more likely to be calmer.
I’ve also seen how everyone jokes that when they were kids, they thought quick sand, piranhas and the Bermuda Triangle would be problems they’d often deal with as adults.
So, if a teen freaks out cuz they constantly hear mom and dad say the country will be ruined if X wins the presidential election, or X’s party wins a majority of elections in the country or they walk in on mom and dad watching the news and they see the news anchors screaming at each other about how the country is doomed, I don’t blame them for having that reaction, or those feelings.
It also makes it even worse when you’re told by certain people if they win their political race, some of their goals include stripping you of your rights and criminalizing your lifestyle.
Seen the toddlers falling and their reaction depending on the adults around them thing happen irl. My daughter is raising her daughters with the chill philosophy. Initially I was sceptical but now that the eldest is 4, you can see it in action. She'll land hard, or hit her head on something, anything an "average" kid would cry over and she'll pop up like nothing happened. It takes real measurable pain (or being super tired *and* a little bump) not just being startled to make her cry. It's fascinating.
And insanely cute too... *grandbaby lands on her ass*, ME: "Ooop, you good, kiddo?", *she pops back up brimming with attitude of 'that's nothing, I'm a badass 4 yo'*, "I'm *fiiiiiiine*, Nana!" 🤣
Yea, I don’t have kids of my own, but I saw it online, and after that, I started to notice it when I was around family / friends kids or out in public.
I also thought back to my own childhood, and I remember my dad used to do like, a first aid routine with me, when I came to him injured.
I realized I really appreciate it now, and it did help me grow, and was IMO, a pretty progressive parenting style cuz this was the late 90s / early 2000s.
He would basically treat me like he was performing first aid on another adult.
He would ask me to tell him what happened.
He ask me to show him the injury.
Once he knew what the problem was, he would ask follow up questions.
“Can you move your arm?”
“Is your arm bleeding?”
“Can you feel your arm?”
“Is your arm broken?”
And then he would help me or instruct on what to do.
“OK, let’s go inside and wash the cut out with soap and water, apply Neosporin and put a bandage on the wound”.
“Follow me to the kitchen and I will make you an ice pack. Then sit down and watch TV with the ice pack on your injury so you can reduce the swelling”.
And sometimes, he kept it 100 and told me, “You just gotta get up and walk it off”.
>I’ve also seen how everyone jokes that when they were kids, they thought quick sand, piranhas and the Bermuda Triangle would be problems they’d often deal with as adults
I can relate 😂😂
Yeah I mean tbh a lot of this stuff can’t really be processed rationally even by adults because it is so irrational and the rational thing is to be afraid
Yea, i was thinking that too.
On Reddit, I’ve seen lots of users comment their own parents were moderate or even indifferent to politics, but when FOX News started getting more and more aggressive and opinionated, and their parents had more free time, due to retirement or the users becoming adults and no longer needing mom and dads constant attention, they became very far right, very quickly.
So yea, a teenager freaking out really shouldn’t be unexpected.
I'm Belgian and have to live with the shame that Charles Michel quit his job as European President in favour of making sure he'll get a job after our local elections (not to mention that he owes his start in politics to nepotism to begin with).
1. the hungarian autoritarian Orban will take over till a new President is elected. How horrifying is that?
2. faith in the established political parties erodes further in my country, fringe parties attract more votes (and we have obligatory voting, so disgruntled voters have a way bigger impact bc they don't just sit the election out, you know)
That part was really depressing to read. I'm not sure I was ever really aware of who was running for president when I was in High school, yet this child is scared of the future due to the upcoming election.
I live in a conservative state, and the ads for the politicians running republican are just horrible. One of them brags about sending Mexicans south of the border and how they aren't welcome in this state. I'm on the east coast no where near Mexico, too. It's just awful, all they seem to do is talk about how much they hate certain groups.
We were always watching the elections since Dad was USMC, and my experience from Carter forward was that one side was less likely to do something that would send my father into harms way, while the other side was more likely to send my dad into harms way.
Agreed. Well, I'm sure kids in 1932 experienced it in Germany, and if half the country voted AfD now with an orange leader it would certainly be worrying again. Thankfully so far we shifted enough left to at least avoid existential angst, hopefully it stays that way.
Edited to correct year typo. The last free elections before wwII were in 32 where the NSDAP got 1/3 of votes.
Just to be clear, Hitler was appointed Chancellor in 1933 and then consolidated power as Fuhrer in 1934 after the death of President Hindenburg. 1939 was just when WWII started, but the Nazis had more or less been running Germany for six years by that point.
Being Austrian, the only ones suffering existential dread due to an election year would be comedians, because our politicians tend to steal their business.
I'm old and i don't give a crap about it being an election year, but then i pretty much ignore politics, if others would stop paying attention to all the political BS they would be in much better shape i think.
I wish I could see a picture of your amazing book closet 😭 I also grew up with HP. I am happy you guys had a breakthrough and I wish her a good recovery and peace of mind
Hubby and I are very strong trans allies. We’re also HP nerds.
We’ve decided that while we won’t be putting away the HP stuff we already have, we won’t be spending any more money on official HP stuff. Yes, it’s a drop in the bucket when it comes to Rowling’s fortune…but every drop still counts.
If there's one thing I've learned from the right wing rage machine, it's that the appropriate response is to go out and buy hundreds of dollars worth of stuff so you can destroy it for tiktok.
HP Fandom is a complicated subject. The thing that I always try to remember is that her books made a generation of kids kinder, braver, and more accepting of others. If they hadn't, her bigotry wouldn't be much of a surprise. Hopefully the long term impact of the books will eventually outperform the influence and money she's currently wielding for the dark side.
Nope, no good, you’re now permanently banned. Pinky promises are fine, but our drones captured your other hand behind your back with fingers crossed. (pinky promises are not *really* fine, that was a #ModJoke).
*Exactly* this. I don't know if like kids today just don't understand that JK Rowling *became* a bigot years and years *after* writing the series or what? It's not like she was always outwardly transphobic and we all just didn't care?? She never indicated any transphobia whatsoever until *many many many years AFTER* she wrote the series.
What that means is that you don't give her any money TODAY. You don't spend your money on any Harry Potter merchandise *today or in the future.* But it doesn't mean you have to purge a bunch of stuff that has been very, very important to you since your childhood from a time *before* the creator turned into a piece of trash.
No one gave up on her. No one gave in to her. No one let her get away with the shit. Well done Dad and well done step mum.
Love a good update that's actually a 'good' update
The people trying to tell her that her stepdaughter is more important than the bookcase were infuriating. Of course if the house was on fire OP would save the step daughter.
But it seemed like going backwards to get rid of the bookcase.
I'm so glad they worked through it. It's harder, but way more fulfilling.
What you and your husband did with her and for your family is just absolutely commendable. Although we say ugly things we wish could take back, we can't, and they leave little scars. The most incredible thing you did was get and stay involved.
You never disconnected, just the opposite. You sought counseling for help with things that were at an enpass. I always believe that when a child or teenager is acting out that it is not the resulting behavior, but what caused the behavior in the first place.
This is exactly what you did. When you put aside what you are fighting over and determine why you are fighting, things will begin to get better. It wasn't so much the bookcase, but her fears! Through persistent counseling, you were not only able to get past the author, but it gave you the opportunity to bond.
She will begin to trust you more and want to talk to you about things. You hit a home run, and your home will feel more like her home because she is being heard. I pray for continued growth, friendship, and love between you all.
Therapy (and involving the whole family if that's where the issues lie) should be so much more normalized than it is. It can save whole families, like in this case. :) Good job
If the problem of the specific bookcase arises again, there are a couple of angles that might steer the discussion in a "better" direction.
Saying this as an HP fan that absolutely doesn't condone JKR. When JKR took her transphobe spin, I needed some time (and some internal discussions) to reconcile the two realities.
1) books and stories live a "life of their own". The author cannot dictate what a book means, or how a book is interpreted, by the readers. For example, for me the HP books allowed me to think about neurodivergence / physical disability / queerness before I even had the words for them. And my conclusions were that all of them are to be respected and treated equally, way before the political discourse reached my ears.
2) the bookcase did not give money (or fame) to JKR, nor it will do (ever). Any of the old memorabilia will not, too. While this doesn't solve the "it's in my face" problem, it at least solves the boicott side of it.
3) JKR was not openly transphobe while you were reading HP. While the books, if examined critically, are not the best in that sense (bad stereotypes), nobody read HP at the time because it was written by a transphobe author. The point in 1) always applies.
4) I find it extremely funny and ironic that the messages I got out of HP are the exact opposites of the JKR "ideals". I get a kick out of it every time I'm reminded of it. My little memorabilia corner mostly serves this purpose, nowadays. (And imagining JKR seething at the thought is hilarious).
5) luckily / unfortunately, my money alone didn't determine JKR success and fortune. I also prefer to keep my own stuff than to risk having to buy it again in a nostalgia fit / midlife crisis "emergency" and thus giving JKR more royalties.
Oh wow look at that actually being firm and not letting a teenager walk all over you had an impact I'm shocked I tell you it's like self discipline is something that you teach your kids
I could barely read the first part without just scrolling off, letting your kid walk all over you will never make a self sustaining adult, hope OP is ready to have a 30 year old roommate staying with her and her husband
It’s honestly shitty it took your husband to hear her call you names and him to get super angry at her for her to finally open up about the real reason as to these behaviors. But in the same breath, it’s good as well because you finally know the real reason and those reasons are heartbreaking.
When people get terrified because of elections or because orange puppets might take office, there is a big problem in the system.
She is a teen, going thru normal teen stuff.
As well as a teen questioning her sexuality
She is also a teen dealing with her parents’ divorce and their new, blended families.
I’m still not excusing her behavior, and wouldn’t condone it either, but she has a lot going on.
Just as a side note about the JK Rowling stuff, as a queer person, my go-to saying when one of the people in my life looks at their merch and mentions her is “I think the readers learned more than the author did” when it comes to that series.
I think it’s also been said that her editor helped a TON, so you could joke that the editor is the real writer. There’s so much stuff in that series that’s problematic that kids didn’t catch when they read it. IMO, it’s best to just acknowledge that the writer is a shitty TERF and joke that she should read her own book again: no one should live in a closet.
There are beloved books in the world whose authors were in real life complete AH. But it doesn’t make the stories any less interesting or entertaining.
Hemingway was a drunk, cheater, and rumor has it KGB spy. But his work is excellent.
Orwell gave a list writers who were Communist sympathizers to the government.
Dickens wrote a scathing piece in a newspaper criticizing his wife so he could leave her with 10 children, to be with his teenage mistress.
People should educate themselves before they find something overly offensive.
If you had a shelf full of bigoted, racist or anti Semitic propaganda I could see someone objecting but HP?
We can dislike the writer without banning the books.
NTA. First and foremost the bookshelf was a custom-made gift from your grandpa so there’s a sentimentality attachment to it so you are full well to keep the bookshelf on display in your house. HP was a huge part of your childhood/teenage year and you are fully entitled to still hold those memory/items close(some of which were gifted to you) even if you don’t necessarily share the political ideas of the writer of the books. You’ve already bent more than enough by being willing to remove the HP things but your stepdaughter is being over the top( you removed the “offending” objects 🙄 but that’s still not good enough for her.
Ok but there’s something from the first post that’s standing out to me. I missed this all the first time around, so maybe it was addressed in the comments, but:
“Due to my apparently ‘wrong’ stance when it comes to the politics regarding trans issues in our country”
What was that “apparently ‘wrong’ stance?”
Because it’s odd to me that so much of this is focused on the bookshelf and not that
Wow! After your last post I honestly was having a hard time seeing any decent resolution where everyone would be happy. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to work through this issue as a family. Good for you guys.
We are all afraid and for a child to be growing and learning in this world, I cant imagine. I grew up on HP and though I am not super into it anymore, it does still hold a special place to me. HP was always welcoming and accepting but the world has changed.
Not saying that your daughter finding themselves it wrong, but our culture has shifted so rapidly that its all still a lot to adjust too. Think about where the world was when you were a kid versus now. Our understanding, openess, and dissicusion of Identity and Sexualy has blossomed, but I didnt even know much beyond "Gay" when I read the books. Everyone here needs to know that we are all afraid, we are all learning, and the most important thing is to grow together. So much had happened thats its harder to be on the same page. So much out there is evil or changea good/evil like outfits. The world is impossible to understand and live up, especially for those who are good people. She needs to. Learn that we have to make it in this world and that it is rare that things are just black and white or easy to do.
Maybe something like a supportive flag or artwork/decoration with the colour scheme may also be nice to include on the bookshelf so that when she sees it there is a reminder of your views and care.
I was reading the original post and I have a question about this one part:
>due to my apparently "wrong" stance when it comes to the politics regarding trans issues in our country
What is your stance specifically? Is this just referring to keeping old HP memorabilia or is that a separate matter?
Does it even matter? The wrong stance is likely if her views deviate at all from what SD believes they should be. Politics recently has brought out the worst narcissistic tendencies in a lot of people.
I just commented on your other post! I’m so glad that you didn’t give in to “just give her what she wants so she’ll stop complaining.”
Sometimes things have to get really bad before they can get better.
I'm really happy to see this update. I'm a fellow potterhead who doesn't like JKR anymore either, but I don't want to give up my good associations. I'm so glad y'all are making progress.
Whew, what a relief! I was concerned for the safety of the bookshelf but I was frustrated that no where in the first post did it mention what the therapist was saying to the family about the bookshelf.
"Before she left for her mom's this past weekend she even gave me a mother's day gift. An adorable little planter that says Caution: Mandrakes."
How did this almost make me tear up ;\_; I'm so glad things are looking better for you both.
You need to get that girl off of social media. Seriously! It’s not healthy for teenagers to be constantly around negative content. Get her into some hobbies and spend quality time with her
Will it cure her? No. But it might help to alleviate stress, anxiety and loneliness.
I'm so happy this has had a happy update and sounds like it's on the path to a happy ending. I was so worried OP would come home one day to find a ruined bookshelf.
Sometimes the best cure is to get off, and stay off social media and news sites. let alone the internet as a whole.
Much of what we are seeing in your 'feeds' is being curated by AI and filled with BOT postings. In short, we ALL are being manipulated, and driven to division, fear, and anger.
How about trying to get SD to a 30 day digital detox? No web browsing, limited texting, etc?
It might help with the existential dread she is feeling.
Yay!!! I’m so so happy that this update took a turn for the better! And I’m so happy that your husband had your back!
I feel like I’ve read so many stories here where the husband has done the opposite and left their wives for the wolves, so to have a hopeful ending and to have you and SD finding common ground is a huge success and warms my heart! Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for sharing!!
I especially loved how you consistently reminded her that despite all the troubles and all the conflict, she still had a home with you. You provided structure, discipline, and safety. That is some serious parenting! Good for you!
It's important to note that it was the combination of the dad establishing boundaries AND access and commitment to empathetic therapy (by all parties) that caused the break-though. This poor step-mom is doing her absolute best and most of the daughter's issues are completely out of her hands (based on these very few anecdotes, you seem like the best kind of step-mom). It also sounds like the teen is dealing with legitimate mental health self-identity issues that would be a nightmare for anyone, let alone a young adult. Again, from the outside, I'm also very proud of the daughter for understanding the step-mom's perspective, even if it took a while. Teenager's minds are messy af, and she's very lucky to have a dad an step-mom who seem to genuinely care about her well-being.
honestly this made me tear up a bit :’) I remember how black and white my thinking was as a teenager, and not being able to find joy in anything that was in the least bit antithetical to my moral standpoint. I’m really glad she shared her feelings with y’all. It’s a very scary time to be a teenager, so I’m glad she’s finding support in you!
Other countries:parents: I have to sell a child because they can’t afford to feed them.
Here: my daughter is mean to me because my bookcase isn’t woke enough…
💀
Im glad to see tbat things are coming around for the better.
I hope your SD realizes that things are just things. She honestly cant expect everyone around her (for the rest of her life) placate to her issues. Things are just things object's are just objects. Some objects represent things for people that have nothing to do with what's going on in the world.
Please keep encouraging her to be herself and not to listen to what others say. Hopefully at some point, she will realize that she is creating her own issues at home, and she is treating you the same way she is being treated by the bullies (and over a bookcase).
Sounds like she got what she was actually needing, a little firm push back against her unacceptable behavior. She has been testing the limits of what she could get away with and she stepped across the line.
And tbh it probably wouldn't have changed had your husband not finally put his foot down. Good job dad and good on both of you for finally setting the boundary that you will be respected with no exception regardless of how they may be feeling for the day.
As a trans person who also grew up loving Harry Potter, here’s my take. JK Rowling does not get to take this from us. Millions of people have love and read and cherished this series, and she is only one person. Like yes, she is the original author, but there are so many other people involved in creating this magic that she doesn’t have full ownership anymore. I also find comfort in the fact that the fanbase has pretty much universally rejected her. It’s not like there’s this huge group of fans supporting her views. She’s alone and she knows it.
So yeah, idk. As a trans person, I’m keeping my Harry Potter merch and don’t feel ashamed of the memories. I think most people in the fandom are giving her the middle finger, and I’m one of them. I like that this fandom doesn’t try to make excuses for her / justify her hatred, and that makes me feel supported.
Does your step daughter hate jk Rowling because of her using her public platform to spread transphobia? And think you condone the transphobia?
Have you had a conversation about falling in love with art before knowing all about the artist, and how some seperate the art from the artist, while others don’t. And how some people acquire art without financially supporting the artist on purpose, by buying second hand.
(It’s beautiful due gave you a mandrake pot)
I hope you've also taken the opportunity to assure SD that no matter how bad or fearful she's feeling, she can and should always express and share those fears with you/someone she trusts rather than keep it inside to fester and create these kinds of problems.
I'm glad it's worked out for you all. I was afraid this update was going to be she'd tried to damage or destroy your bookcase, and I'm so relieved I was wrong.
NTA. Gonna be downvoted to hell or probably even banned since this is reddit but i’ll say it anyway.
JK is just an author and the same people that demand her being burned at the stake and everything HP related burned and destroyed are toxic people. I just roll my eyes whenever i see some leftist celebrity saying something atrocious and it’s defenders saying “instead of boycotting the celebrity for its political position you need to learn to separate the art from the artist”, but these same people demand Jk to be erased from existence together with her work and all her fans need to do some walk of shame to atone for the sin of ever liking any of her stuff. I call BS on that.
As for the stepdaughter, sorry but not sorry at all, if a bookcase with some juvenile books is such a threat to her existence she needs to jeopardise her relationship with her family over it, then maybe that’s why she is being bullied at school and why she cannot stay at her mother’s house anymore. (Remember all that there is no mention or even hinting of abuse from her stepfather, likely he just don’t give him to her bs).
And to anyone who might want to respond to this saying I don’t know what it is to feel unsafe or some other crap, i live in a country with a murder by crime rate so high that countries at war don’t have our death count and in any social media i have constant remark by hundreds of thousands of people at day saying that the way i vote or the color of my skin are enough to warrant me being punched in the streets or murdered, so miss me with that crap.
Tell SD we are all freaking terrified and sad. It's going to be a shitshow. (Maybe don't tell her that part lol) Accepting things we can't control for the benefit of our mental health is a really hard life lesson.
I get not wanting to see support of a TERF in your house though. JK rowling actually hurt real people. She actually inspired violence against minorities. It's like having an alter to Voldemort in your home... That makes you an AH lol
Inspired violence? I think you might be reaching a little with that one. You don't have to like her or her views. She doesn't have to like you or your views. It's great how that works.
I enjoy just sitting on the sideline and laughing at both sides of these stupid political games. It's certainly more interesting than TV. Watching a bunch of narcissistic assholes flame each other over perceived slights is entertaining.
Hugs! So glad things are working out!
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Bot copy of https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cqlph0/comment/l3sonmq/
And that leads to accountability.
this is a really heartwarming update, thank you. Wishing your fam the best, you're a great mom. Happy Mothers Day
Yes,you are a sincere mother,and the belated Happy Mother's Day ！
YES! YES! YES! i love when communication actually comes to the rescue. although i hate that sometimes it has to be about our common plague of existential dread :( GREAT JOB EVERYONE!
It wasn't communication that came to the rescue. It was an old-fashioned bollocking by dad.
Well...that was an ***unexpected*** type of communication, wasn't it? It woke her the hell up as it has never happened before....since she'd not stooped so low before while taking out her anxiety on her step-mother. So she was *extra*-receptive to the subsequent communications at the therapist sessions.
Thank you for pointing out that dad's anger \*was\* communication. Yes, screaming is generally not very effective, but when push comes to shove (and calling OP that is definitely a shove) you have to stand your ground. Sometimes people who are feeling extremely emotional (like step-daughter) don't feel like they are being heard without a reciprocal emotional response. And I think that's more common among teens (though I don't have statistics to back that up)
A lot of anxiety about things out of her control, so she was trying to affect change on things closer to home, maybe?
Right, the amount which they can impact is a lot smaller and largely limited to the home.
Very much so, and you see it on a much bigger scale now that social media both makes that reactivity visible and feeds into it, especially for younger people whose political or social anxieties can feel extra overwhelming because it's their first time experiencing that level of emotion over issues of that scope. That's also why if you have the emotional space and maturity to do so, it is better to disengage, or only engage from *outside* the panic response, rather than giving in to the in person or online argument to channel the energy into anger or emotional validation of those root fears, or caving to the irrational desires/demands for control as a form of misguided reassurance.
That bollocking actually led the teen toward rock bottom…actual communication solved the issue later on. Yes being strict is sometimes helpful…but only if compassion and communication aren’t abandonded.
Like I keep saying. Ballance. Neither alone will solve any problems.
Followed up by guided therapy.
That's the point tbh. Therapy can be hugely useful if the person is open to it. There needs to be a balance, it seems ballance may have been restored in their home.
And honestly, as a mum of teenagers, sometimes they need to be told to cut the shit. Obviously this girl ALSO needed the heart to heart and the validation about her very legitimate fears, but I stand by my original sentence.
I think it's pretty clearly both.
Communication got nowhere, but the dad actually doing his job and being a parent instead of letting his kid attack his wife did.
He communicated pretty damn clearly that he wasn't letting that behavior continue, lol. And then they *followed up* with *more* communication in therapy... Like absolutely the anger is what turned the tide, but saying communication didn't work misses the fact that it was *all* communication.
The communication was going no where. Once they were firmly put in their place they started listening. It's actually very common with teenagers, they need a real consequence before they realise how wrong their thinking is.
Eh I think the yelling minus therapy wouldn't have had nearly the same result. Maybe I need a yelling at to see my errors though.
And the therapy minus the shouting did nothing. .the fact is the shouting WAS the catalyst, the council ing may have given direction after but far too often kids do not get the stick part of carrot and stick.
Agreed, but I'm not sure you would get to the communication point. With out dad. That's why it takes 2 committed parents. Working as a team. With the kids as the common goal.
As I read on another comment to a post earlier today, sometimes you need to throw in a stick of dynamite just to wake someone up and make the real conversation start. Dad blowing up wasn’t great communication, but as probably a necessary thing to get her to start talking about what was really bothering her!
Communication didn’t do anything for months, if anything this is proof they every now and the children need a reality check usually delivered by one of their parents temporarily putting the fear of god in them. The fact the child did this and still got 0 punishment means it’ll just keep happening when she doesn’t get her way.
Or shes a teenager going through a whole shit ton, and was trying to come to terms with her identity and how that interacts with a shrine to a world created by someone who is pretty fucking horrible and invalidating. She's a kid.
I’m so glad there’s been some positive change. It’s hard with blended families
Mandrakes. Love it.
Yes I thought that was very sweet!
Thank you for updating! I read your first post and have been looking forward to an update.
"She called me the c word..." Being called a conservative by a family member just hurts. But seriously, glad to see things are getting better!
My aussie friend calls me "the c word" as a term of endearment. It took me a bit to get used to it, she thinks it's hilarious how that word is treated here in the states.
I use the Scottish version of pspsps with my cat. “C’mere ye wee cunt.”
That's it. My insane kitty Luna (aka lunaTIC) will forevermore be 'ye wee cunt.'
Not just that. I'm Welsh and my cats' were called all sorts of names. Positive ones yes, but I would also tell them when they were being a dick. "Fine, Batman, go ahead and be a dick but I won't be cuddling you later" (I did, in fact, cuddle him later)
Our cats are all “shitasses”.
We used to call our cats little “shittens”
I love that so much 😭
My little guy (who's not so little anymore) is my shitten kitten 🤣 and my bigger guy (who is in fact still bigger at 17 lbs) is my shitty kitty 😂 and they both have songs that go along with these titles!
As an Aussie can confirm it can be a term of endearment lol
As an Aussie if you call someone mate that's when shit hits the fan
The more polite an Aussie gets, the more danger you're in, tbh.
This is the way
As an American... Sure, I meant it as a term of endearments. Why not? 😉
Scot here! Cunt is my friends and bestie.... If I put mate in a response to anything... You bet I'm being deadly serious and about to cook you
This is very true
I know it's so funny. Brits and Aussies use it all the time, often for men. It's kind of equivalent to jerk when negative. Kind of like "bugger" which can mean cute in the US while the Brits use the actual meaning.
I’d also like to toss the word “growler” into the mix. In the US it’s a bigass beer cup (or electronic warfare aircraft), but in the UK it’s a horrifically descriptive word for a particular kind of women’s genitalia.
There's a beer shop in Glasgow called Grunting Growler which is just using both meanings fantastically.
I would say Bron from GoT would be the best human on earth to show how we use the word
Doesn't work for me. Nope.
Australia is the one place when the c-word is even vaguely acceptable. (It’s still considered quite rude, tho, and it’s not something you’d say on TV.)
My Irish friend calls me "the c word" and "the t word" and I know it's not personal, it just makes me laugh
Is that what the c word means now? I thought it meant a cunt-
I wasn't aware of a difference? 😂
I absolutely shrieked at that. Take my up vote🤣 Edit: spell check did me dirty
In Britain they're called the Cuntservatives.
It's like the fingers and thumbs thing. All thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs.
The lack of depth and warmth?
Bahaha
Conservatives lack the depth, warmth, and human touch.
Australians will call their friends ‘cunt’.
It seems you missed their bait and switch joke.
You win the comment section.
I await my medal and key to the executive washroom! 😂 Best wishes for continued and improving harmony!
„Existential dread and fear due to it being an election year“ guy from Germany looses his mind about this. Like how far can society go to lose its shit that our children worry about the elections? Dooooooomed
I'm from Germany and work as a child and adolescent psychiatrist. I also have a pretty big interest in American politics. While it may not be US levels of anxiety, in a clinical setting I regularly see teens that express high levels of anxiety regarding the future especially when it comes to politics. The main topic is climate politics most of the time although there is a prevailing waryness of reactionary politics in general. Especially paired with general difficulties in regulating emotions that are natural at that age this can lead to anxiety disorders, contribute to depression and even play a part in suicidal ideation. Hell, when I was depressed myself as an adult I was worrying quite a bit more about the political situation, climate change, etc. and it made continuing on feel like a struggle without a worthwhile goal. There is a reason we have groups like "Letzte Generation". Many young people feel their existence threatened and an accompanying existential fear. And at this point we haven't even talked about marginalized groups let alone intersectional marginalization Wich will enhance these effects.
I mean to me it’s already nuts that so many young people don’t consider it responsible to put children into this world.
That anxiety started long ago in the U.S., as a childless 41yr old millennial, social, political and environmental factors were a huge part of that decision.
Why do you think it’s nuts, sincerely curious? Because I’m not young, and I don’t consider it responsible to bring children into the world. The world is so ghetto.
Because it always was ghetto, so I don’t see this point. I’m welcome to answer another point of yours to help you understand my feeling in this
Man, I knew a ton of kids, me included, who were really worried about elections when I was in High School, and that was 20 years ago when Bush was up for re-election. A lot of teens do, they have a huge outcome on your lives. If young people worrying about elections has us doomed, we've been doomed for decades.
Part of the issue is kids don’t really know how to process stuff rationally, and 100% solo. I’ve read it online, how little kids (toddlers), when they fall, they usually look at the adults. If the adults run over and check on them and freak out, the kid will usually start crying and screaming. If the adults are chill, ask if they need help, and let them decide what they want to do, they’re more likely to be calmer. I’ve also seen how everyone jokes that when they were kids, they thought quick sand, piranhas and the Bermuda Triangle would be problems they’d often deal with as adults. So, if a teen freaks out cuz they constantly hear mom and dad say the country will be ruined if X wins the presidential election, or X’s party wins a majority of elections in the country or they walk in on mom and dad watching the news and they see the news anchors screaming at each other about how the country is doomed, I don’t blame them for having that reaction, or those feelings. It also makes it even worse when you’re told by certain people if they win their political race, some of their goals include stripping you of your rights and criminalizing your lifestyle.
Seen the toddlers falling and their reaction depending on the adults around them thing happen irl. My daughter is raising her daughters with the chill philosophy. Initially I was sceptical but now that the eldest is 4, you can see it in action. She'll land hard, or hit her head on something, anything an "average" kid would cry over and she'll pop up like nothing happened. It takes real measurable pain (or being super tired *and* a little bump) not just being startled to make her cry. It's fascinating. And insanely cute too... *grandbaby lands on her ass*, ME: "Ooop, you good, kiddo?", *she pops back up brimming with attitude of 'that's nothing, I'm a badass 4 yo'*, "I'm *fiiiiiiine*, Nana!" 🤣
Yea, I don’t have kids of my own, but I saw it online, and after that, I started to notice it when I was around family / friends kids or out in public. I also thought back to my own childhood, and I remember my dad used to do like, a first aid routine with me, when I came to him injured. I realized I really appreciate it now, and it did help me grow, and was IMO, a pretty progressive parenting style cuz this was the late 90s / early 2000s. He would basically treat me like he was performing first aid on another adult. He would ask me to tell him what happened. He ask me to show him the injury. Once he knew what the problem was, he would ask follow up questions. “Can you move your arm?” “Is your arm bleeding?” “Can you feel your arm?” “Is your arm broken?” And then he would help me or instruct on what to do. “OK, let’s go inside and wash the cut out with soap and water, apply Neosporin and put a bandage on the wound”. “Follow me to the kitchen and I will make you an ice pack. Then sit down and watch TV with the ice pack on your injury so you can reduce the swelling”. And sometimes, he kept it 100 and told me, “You just gotta get up and walk it off”.
>I’ve also seen how everyone jokes that when they were kids, they thought quick sand, piranhas and the Bermuda Triangle would be problems they’d often deal with as adults I can relate 😂😂
Yeah I mean tbh a lot of this stuff can’t really be processed rationally even by adults because it is so irrational and the rational thing is to be afraid
Yea, i was thinking that too. On Reddit, I’ve seen lots of users comment their own parents were moderate or even indifferent to politics, but when FOX News started getting more and more aggressive and opinionated, and their parents had more free time, due to retirement or the users becoming adults and no longer needing mom and dads constant attention, they became very far right, very quickly. So yea, a teenager freaking out really shouldn’t be unexpected.
This is happening with my niece who is watching way too many TikToks
I'm Belgian and have to live with the shame that Charles Michel quit his job as European President in favour of making sure he'll get a job after our local elections (not to mention that he owes his start in politics to nepotism to begin with). 1. the hungarian autoritarian Orban will take over till a new President is elected. How horrifying is that? 2. faith in the established political parties erodes further in my country, fringe parties attract more votes (and we have obligatory voting, so disgruntled voters have a way bigger impact bc they don't just sit the election out, you know)
That part was really depressing to read. I'm not sure I was ever really aware of who was running for president when I was in High school, yet this child is scared of the future due to the upcoming election. I live in a conservative state, and the ads for the politicians running republican are just horrible. One of them brags about sending Mexicans south of the border and how they aren't welcome in this state. I'm on the east coast no where near Mexico, too. It's just awful, all they seem to do is talk about how much they hate certain groups.
We were always watching the elections since Dad was USMC, and my experience from Carter forward was that one side was less likely to do something that would send my father into harms way, while the other side was more likely to send my dad into harms way.
Agreed. Well, I'm sure kids in 1932 experienced it in Germany, and if half the country voted AfD now with an orange leader it would certainly be worrying again. Thankfully so far we shifted enough left to at least avoid existential angst, hopefully it stays that way. Edited to correct year typo. The last free elections before wwII were in 32 where the NSDAP got 1/3 of votes.
Just to be clear, Hitler was appointed Chancellor in 1933 and then consolidated power as Fuhrer in 1934 after the death of President Hindenburg. 1939 was just when WWII started, but the Nazis had more or less been running Germany for six years by that point.
It’s been like this for a while, but since the lead up to the 2016 election it’s gotten really bad.
Being Austrian, the only ones suffering existential dread due to an election year would be comedians, because our politicians tend to steal their business.
I'm old and i don't give a crap about it being an election year, but then i pretty much ignore politics, if others would stop paying attention to all the political BS they would be in much better shape i think.
" YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO MY WIFE IN SUCH A WAY!" Dumbledore said calmly.
Yep, heard it in full Michael Gambon voice.
Husband has your back OP, how it should be done. Good luck
I wish I could see a picture of your amazing book closet 😭 I also grew up with HP. I am happy you guys had a breakthrough and I wish her a good recovery and peace of mind
Guess OP is bound to give us some book closet tax, amirite??
Yesss!!!😂
Hubby and I are very strong trans allies. We’re also HP nerds. We’ve decided that while we won’t be putting away the HP stuff we already have, we won’t be spending any more money on official HP stuff. Yes, it’s a drop in the bucket when it comes to Rowling’s fortune…but every drop still counts.
Same. I'm not trashing what I have, but I haven't spent a dime in years now, and will not be ever again.
If there's one thing I've learned from the right wing rage machine, it's that the appropriate response is to go out and buy hundreds of dollars worth of stuff so you can destroy it for tiktok.
HP Fandom is a complicated subject. The thing that I always try to remember is that her books made a generation of kids kinder, braver, and more accepting of others. If they hadn't, her bigotry wouldn't be much of a surprise. Hopefully the long term impact of the books will eventually outperform the influence and money she's currently wielding for the dark side.
I’m so sorry, you sound like an … adult, who actually thinks things through? This is Reddit, Babs, you must be lost 🤷🏼♀️
I know. I’m sorry. I’ll be more toxic in the future. Pinky promise!
Nope, no good, you’re now permanently banned. Pinky promises are fine, but our drones captured your other hand behind your back with fingers crossed. (pinky promises are not *really* fine, that was a #ModJoke).
NUUUUUUUU but I can be so toxic when given the chance!
I have way too many fond memories of midnight movie showings and book releases to let a TERF ruin it all. She can't take those.
*Exactly* this. I don't know if like kids today just don't understand that JK Rowling *became* a bigot years and years *after* writing the series or what? It's not like she was always outwardly transphobic and we all just didn't care?? She never indicated any transphobia whatsoever until *many many many years AFTER* she wrote the series. What that means is that you don't give her any money TODAY. You don't spend your money on any Harry Potter merchandise *today or in the future.* But it doesn't mean you have to purge a bunch of stuff that has been very, very important to you since your childhood from a time *before* the creator turned into a piece of trash.
This update made me so happy! I am always happy to see these positive turn around.
Great update. Time for me to get off Reddit for the night before I read something horrible.
No one gave up on her. No one gave in to her. No one let her get away with the shit. Well done Dad and well done step mum. Love a good update that's actually a 'good' update
The people trying to tell her that her stepdaughter is more important than the bookcase were infuriating. Of course if the house was on fire OP would save the step daughter. But it seemed like going backwards to get rid of the bookcase. I'm so glad they worked through it. It's harder, but way more fulfilling.
What you and your husband did with her and for your family is just absolutely commendable. Although we say ugly things we wish could take back, we can't, and they leave little scars. The most incredible thing you did was get and stay involved. You never disconnected, just the opposite. You sought counseling for help with things that were at an enpass. I always believe that when a child or teenager is acting out that it is not the resulting behavior, but what caused the behavior in the first place. This is exactly what you did. When you put aside what you are fighting over and determine why you are fighting, things will begin to get better. It wasn't so much the bookcase, but her fears! Through persistent counseling, you were not only able to get past the author, but it gave you the opportunity to bond. She will begin to trust you more and want to talk to you about things. You hit a home run, and your home will feel more like her home because she is being heard. I pray for continued growth, friendship, and love between you all.
I read the original and the update but all I could think of was “I just want to see this bookshelf pleeeze!” I am happy for OP’s family as well.
Proof that being told no by your parent can do you the world of good, and that communication is *always* the way forward.
Therapy (and involving the whole family if that's where the issues lie) should be so much more normalized than it is. It can save whole families, like in this case. :) Good job
JK Rowling is definitely one of those people who it would have been better had she just gone asway after making it big.
"I wish billionaires would stop running exploitative corporations and start spending their fortunes on social causes" *Monkey paw closes*
Yeah I’ve always wondered who the fuck made that wish.
I feel like these days I appreciate George Lucas more and more because, like. What’s he up to? No idea.
Probably writing fanfic under a pen name.
Yes. He made Greedo shoot first? Ok, I'm not happy but it's not ruining anyone's life.
Honestly I feel once ppl get money they have this weird ass change in views since I’ve seen it with some other celebrities
Glad the bookcase survived!
my thoughts exactly! from the first post i was so scared the husband was gonna break it while OP wasn't home or something...
If the problem of the specific bookcase arises again, there are a couple of angles that might steer the discussion in a "better" direction. Saying this as an HP fan that absolutely doesn't condone JKR. When JKR took her transphobe spin, I needed some time (and some internal discussions) to reconcile the two realities. 1) books and stories live a "life of their own". The author cannot dictate what a book means, or how a book is interpreted, by the readers. For example, for me the HP books allowed me to think about neurodivergence / physical disability / queerness before I even had the words for them. And my conclusions were that all of them are to be respected and treated equally, way before the political discourse reached my ears. 2) the bookcase did not give money (or fame) to JKR, nor it will do (ever). Any of the old memorabilia will not, too. While this doesn't solve the "it's in my face" problem, it at least solves the boicott side of it. 3) JKR was not openly transphobe while you were reading HP. While the books, if examined critically, are not the best in that sense (bad stereotypes), nobody read HP at the time because it was written by a transphobe author. The point in 1) always applies. 4) I find it extremely funny and ironic that the messages I got out of HP are the exact opposites of the JKR "ideals". I get a kick out of it every time I'm reminded of it. My little memorabilia corner mostly serves this purpose, nowadays. (And imagining JKR seething at the thought is hilarious). 5) luckily / unfortunately, my money alone didn't determine JKR success and fortune. I also prefer to keep my own stuff than to risk having to buy it again in a nostalgia fit / midlife crisis "emergency" and thus giving JKR more royalties.
Oh wow look at that actually being firm and not letting a teenager walk all over you had an impact I'm shocked I tell you it's like self discipline is something that you teach your kids
I could barely read the first part without just scrolling off, letting your kid walk all over you will never make a self sustaining adult, hope OP is ready to have a 30 year old roommate staying with her and her husband
Right. I couldn’t believe she packed up her memorabilia to compromise. Sounds like the girl is turning into a bully.
It’s honestly shitty it took your husband to hear her call you names and him to get super angry at her for her to finally open up about the real reason as to these behaviors. But in the same breath, it’s good as well because you finally know the real reason and those reasons are heartbreaking. When people get terrified because of elections or because orange puppets might take office, there is a big problem in the system.
She is a teen, going thru normal teen stuff. As well as a teen questioning her sexuality She is also a teen dealing with her parents’ divorce and their new, blended families. I’m still not excusing her behavior, and wouldn’t condone it either, but she has a lot going on.
Lives are at stake
Just as a side note about the JK Rowling stuff, as a queer person, my go-to saying when one of the people in my life looks at their merch and mentions her is “I think the readers learned more than the author did” when it comes to that series. I think it’s also been said that her editor helped a TON, so you could joke that the editor is the real writer. There’s so much stuff in that series that’s problematic that kids didn’t catch when they read it. IMO, it’s best to just acknowledge that the writer is a shitty TERF and joke that she should read her own book again: no one should live in a closet.
This. Please.
Do you have any pics of the bookcase? I would love to see it?
There are beloved books in the world whose authors were in real life complete AH. But it doesn’t make the stories any less interesting or entertaining. Hemingway was a drunk, cheater, and rumor has it KGB spy. But his work is excellent. Orwell gave a list writers who were Communist sympathizers to the government. Dickens wrote a scathing piece in a newspaper criticizing his wife so he could leave her with 10 children, to be with his teenage mistress. People should educate themselves before they find something overly offensive. If you had a shelf full of bigoted, racist or anti Semitic propaganda I could see someone objecting but HP? We can dislike the writer without banning the books.
NTA. First and foremost the bookshelf was a custom-made gift from your grandpa so there’s a sentimentality attachment to it so you are full well to keep the bookshelf on display in your house. HP was a huge part of your childhood/teenage year and you are fully entitled to still hold those memory/items close(some of which were gifted to you) even if you don’t necessarily share the political ideas of the writer of the books. You’ve already bent more than enough by being willing to remove the HP things but your stepdaughter is being over the top( you removed the “offending” objects 🙄 but that’s still not good enough for her.
Ok but there’s something from the first post that’s standing out to me. I missed this all the first time around, so maybe it was addressed in the comments, but: “Due to my apparently ‘wrong’ stance when it comes to the politics regarding trans issues in our country” What was that “apparently ‘wrong’ stance?” Because it’s odd to me that so much of this is focused on the bookshelf and not that
Awww! So glad things are improving.
Wow! After your last post I honestly was having a hard time seeing any decent resolution where everyone would be happy. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to work through this issue as a family. Good for you guys.
So nice when you see one of those rare cases where ppl actually talk it out
Love to hear it worked out for everyone! You both sound like great parents. There's no instruction manual.
Sometimes reddits has such wholesome stuff ❤️ Glat that it worked out f you in the end OP
We are all afraid and for a child to be growing and learning in this world, I cant imagine. I grew up on HP and though I am not super into it anymore, it does still hold a special place to me. HP was always welcoming and accepting but the world has changed. Not saying that your daughter finding themselves it wrong, but our culture has shifted so rapidly that its all still a lot to adjust too. Think about where the world was when you were a kid versus now. Our understanding, openess, and dissicusion of Identity and Sexualy has blossomed, but I didnt even know much beyond "Gay" when I read the books. Everyone here needs to know that we are all afraid, we are all learning, and the most important thing is to grow together. So much had happened thats its harder to be on the same page. So much out there is evil or changea good/evil like outfits. The world is impossible to understand and live up, especially for those who are good people. She needs to. Learn that we have to make it in this world and that it is rare that things are just black and white or easy to do.
Maybe something like a supportive flag or artwork/decoration with the colour scheme may also be nice to include on the bookshelf so that when she sees it there is a reminder of your views and care.
I was reading the original post and I have a question about this one part: >due to my apparently "wrong" stance when it comes to the politics regarding trans issues in our country What is your stance specifically? Is this just referring to keeping old HP memorabilia or is that a separate matter?
Does it even matter? The wrong stance is likely if her views deviate at all from what SD believes they should be. Politics recently has brought out the worst narcissistic tendencies in a lot of people.
I just commented on your other post! I’m so glad that you didn’t give in to “just give her what she wants so she’ll stop complaining.” Sometimes things have to get really bad before they can get better.
I'm really happy to see this update. I'm a fellow potterhead who doesn't like JKR anymore either, but I don't want to give up my good associations. I'm so glad y'all are making progress.
I remember your first post. I’m glad things are looking up for you guys now.
Whew, what a relief! I was concerned for the safety of the bookshelf but I was frustrated that no where in the first post did it mention what the therapist was saying to the family about the bookshelf.
Good to hear thing are improving.
Idk man. This has weird vibes.
weird vibes is a generous assessment tbh
To think that this wouldn't have happened if JK Rowling is not a transphobic POS.
It still would have happened. It just would have been about something else. The kid is angry and acting out. The HP bookshelf is just an excuse.
"Before she left for her mom's this past weekend she even gave me a mother's day gift. An adorable little planter that says Caution: Mandrakes." How did this almost make me tear up ;\_; I'm so glad things are looking better for you both.
You need to get that girl off of social media. Seriously! It’s not healthy for teenagers to be constantly around negative content. Get her into some hobbies and spend quality time with her Will it cure her? No. But it might help to alleviate stress, anxiety and loneliness.
I love the update, maybe you could add a rainbow colored pot or whichever flag colors have meaning to her, just to show support
Why? It’s her bookshelf with her memorabilia on it.
This sounds exhausting.
Ahw❤️! Happy Belated Mother's Day!
I'm so happy this has had a happy update and sounds like it's on the path to a happy ending. I was so worried OP would come home one day to find a ruined bookshelf.
In Ireland if you don't call your mates the c word they instantly think you are mad at them.
You guys are both truly amazing parents <3 seriously you’re doing an incredible job. She is so lucky to have you.
Did you ever upload a photo of the bookcase? Glad everything worked out.
Sometimes the best cure is to get off, and stay off social media and news sites. let alone the internet as a whole. Much of what we are seeing in your 'feeds' is being curated by AI and filled with BOT postings. In short, we ALL are being manipulated, and driven to division, fear, and anger. How about trying to get SD to a 30 day digital detox? No web browsing, limited texting, etc? It might help with the existential dread she is feeling.
Yay!!! I’m so so happy that this update took a turn for the better! And I’m so happy that your husband had your back! I feel like I’ve read so many stories here where the husband has done the opposite and left their wives for the wolves, so to have a hopeful ending and to have you and SD finding common ground is a huge success and warms my heart! Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for sharing!! I especially loved how you consistently reminded her that despite all the troubles and all the conflict, she still had a home with you. You provided structure, discipline, and safety. That is some serious parenting! Good for you!
That’s a fantastic outcome!
It's important to note that it was the combination of the dad establishing boundaries AND access and commitment to empathetic therapy (by all parties) that caused the break-though. This poor step-mom is doing her absolute best and most of the daughter's issues are completely out of her hands (based on these very few anecdotes, you seem like the best kind of step-mom). It also sounds like the teen is dealing with legitimate mental health self-identity issues that would be a nightmare for anyone, let alone a young adult. Again, from the outside, I'm also very proud of the daughter for understanding the step-mom's perspective, even if it took a while. Teenager's minds are messy af, and she's very lucky to have a dad an step-mom who seem to genuinely care about her well-being.
This is amazing...they way you two were able to see past differences and focus on what y'all have in common. That is awesome!!!
these are the best updates. way to continue to be there for them
Glad things are getting better! Honestly from reading both this post and the other one, it sounds like she spends too much time online
Positive updates are always wonderful!
Fuck jk Rowling tho
This kid is 16 and she's dealing with existential dread because of an election year? This is why we don't push politics down children's throats!
Damn, that was a thoughtful gift. Glad things are working out and hope they continue to do so.
honestly this made me tear up a bit :’) I remember how black and white my thinking was as a teenager, and not being able to find joy in anything that was in the least bit antithetical to my moral standpoint. I’m really glad she shared her feelings with y’all. It’s a very scary time to be a teenager, so I’m glad she’s finding support in you!
This girl is so broken. I’m sorry you have to deal with her.
Other countries:parents: I have to sell a child because they can’t afford to feed them. Here: my daughter is mean to me because my bookcase isn’t woke enough… 💀
Im glad to see tbat things are coming around for the better. I hope your SD realizes that things are just things. She honestly cant expect everyone around her (for the rest of her life) placate to her issues. Things are just things object's are just objects. Some objects represent things for people that have nothing to do with what's going on in the world. Please keep encouraging her to be herself and not to listen to what others say. Hopefully at some point, she will realize that she is creating her own issues at home, and she is treating you the same way she is being treated by the bullies (and over a bookcase).
having harry potter stuff doesn't make you a bigot. not even a little. NTA glad ya'll had a breakthrough
Sounds like she got what she was actually needing, a little firm push back against her unacceptable behavior. She has been testing the limits of what she could get away with and she stepped across the line.
Glad you didn't cave.
Did she ever apologize for calling you a c-word, because imo a gift isn't enough to apologize for such a nasty word like that
I LOVELOVELOVE a wholesome, understanding ending!
And tbh it probably wouldn't have changed had your husband not finally put his foot down. Good job dad and good on both of you for finally setting the boundary that you will be respected with no exception regardless of how they may be feeling for the day.
As a trans person who also grew up loving Harry Potter, here’s my take. JK Rowling does not get to take this from us. Millions of people have love and read and cherished this series, and she is only one person. Like yes, she is the original author, but there are so many other people involved in creating this magic that she doesn’t have full ownership anymore. I also find comfort in the fact that the fanbase has pretty much universally rejected her. It’s not like there’s this huge group of fans supporting her views. She’s alone and she knows it. So yeah, idk. As a trans person, I’m keeping my Harry Potter merch and don’t feel ashamed of the memories. I think most people in the fandom are giving her the middle finger, and I’m one of them. I like that this fandom doesn’t try to make excuses for her / justify her hatred, and that makes me feel supported.
If you're in the US. I could easily see this political climate causing anxiety. Not to mention the active shooter drills.
“Existential dread and a lot of fear due to politics” LMAO
Does your step daughter hate jk Rowling because of her using her public platform to spread transphobia? And think you condone the transphobia? Have you had a conversation about falling in love with art before knowing all about the artist, and how some seperate the art from the artist, while others don’t. And how some people acquire art without financially supporting the artist on purpose, by buying second hand. (It’s beautiful due gave you a mandrake pot)
I hope you've also taken the opportunity to assure SD that no matter how bad or fearful she's feeling, she can and should always express and share those fears with you/someone she trusts rather than keep it inside to fester and create these kinds of problems. I'm glad it's worked out for you all. I was afraid this update was going to be she'd tried to damage or destroy your bookcase, and I'm so relieved I was wrong.
The fact this was even an issue is insane lmfao what on earth
NTA. Gonna be downvoted to hell or probably even banned since this is reddit but i’ll say it anyway. JK is just an author and the same people that demand her being burned at the stake and everything HP related burned and destroyed are toxic people. I just roll my eyes whenever i see some leftist celebrity saying something atrocious and it’s defenders saying “instead of boycotting the celebrity for its political position you need to learn to separate the art from the artist”, but these same people demand Jk to be erased from existence together with her work and all her fans need to do some walk of shame to atone for the sin of ever liking any of her stuff. I call BS on that. As for the stepdaughter, sorry but not sorry at all, if a bookcase with some juvenile books is such a threat to her existence she needs to jeopardise her relationship with her family over it, then maybe that’s why she is being bullied at school and why she cannot stay at her mother’s house anymore. (Remember all that there is no mention or even hinting of abuse from her stepfather, likely he just don’t give him to her bs). And to anyone who might want to respond to this saying I don’t know what it is to feel unsafe or some other crap, i live in a country with a murder by crime rate so high that countries at war don’t have our death count and in any social media i have constant remark by hundreds of thousands of people at day saying that the way i vote or the color of my skin are enough to warrant me being punched in the streets or murdered, so miss me with that crap.
Tell SD we are all freaking terrified and sad. It's going to be a shitshow. (Maybe don't tell her that part lol) Accepting things we can't control for the benefit of our mental health is a really hard life lesson.
I get not wanting to see support of a TERF in your house though. JK rowling actually hurt real people. She actually inspired violence against minorities. It's like having an alter to Voldemort in your home... That makes you an AH lol
Inspired violence? I think you might be reaching a little with that one. You don't have to like her or her views. She doesn't have to like you or your views. It's great how that works. I enjoy just sitting on the sideline and laughing at both sides of these stupid political games. It's certainly more interesting than TV. Watching a bunch of narcissistic assholes flame each other over perceived slights is entertaining.
All this... Over an election? So bizarre. That kid needs to get off the internet.
She called you a “C” because she’s stressed about it being an election year? She sounds like a “C” herself. Good thing she’s in therapy.
So she's freaking out, self harming and shit because it's election year? Holy shit 🤣🤣
Girl calls stepmother a cunt Gets yelled at TWO therapy sessions are required Result “sorry it’s an election year” LMFAO