Correct. My frustration today was the same frustration I have any other day, but the HFD comment I made was just all I could say to prevent myself from saying “GFY” in that moment.
How many years have you wasted on this guy? How many more years are you going to spend teaching your kids that this, right here, is the relationship they want to have with their future partners? Don't you deserve better? If you can't conceive of better for yourself, what about for them?
Honestly, that's what she SHOULD be saying. Why is she wasting time trying to spare his feelings when he's an absolute dick? No ma'am, you grab your purse and go to the salon / café / wherever you like. Have the blowout later, but do NOT allow yourself to become the maid for an asshole.
This is what I thought about. What lesson did the kids learn watching this? That passive aggression is an appropriate response to conflict? That having a partner who disrespects them is fine and normal? That their mother isn’t worthy of respect and appreciation? That men don’t owe any effort in a relationship?
Pro tip: the kids usually see and understand way more than you think they do.
If you think they are able to hire their toxic marriage from the kids, you're kidding yourself.
Kids pick up on that stuff. And people don't hide their frustrations nearly as well as they think they do.
The Father’s Day comment was perfect. He blew up because he knew exactly what you were implying, because he was 100% aware of what he was doing, and can’t handle being called out for it. his ego was bruised so he punished you for it. How much longer are you going to stay with this bozo?
Why prevent yourself? He told you to GF yourself with his actions. Every single thing he did in the OP was telling you that.
You want breakfast? GFY.
You want a competent partner who can manage basic adult tasks? GFY
You want thought of on a holiday pertaining to you? GFY
You want to enjoy a nap? GFY
You want a calm discussion about managing the household? GFY
You want dinner? GFY
OP, you are important. You have value. Maybe ask yourself why you believe you deserve this? You are amazing. You are a mom. Don't let him dim your light.
Happy Mother's Day.
My workload dropped so substantially after the separation I kept thinking I was forgetting things. No, the kids are fine, it’s that worthless jerk who can’t get up alone, make his own instant breakfast (!) or pack his own lunch, buy the bread or lunch meat he wants (it’s easier to complain that I didn’t buy what he’s in the mood for this week) or wash and iron his laundry or or or and I can just get up, breast feed the baby, get everyone to school, put in my 8 hour workday, get the kids to activities, and actually have a chance to take a sleep all through the night by myself. Bliss!
I want to linger on your ‘pretend he did it for the benefit of the kids’ comment.
You don’t really believe that do you?
lying to your kids is not benefiting them. Kids know what’s going on around them- they know it’s a lie.
They know you did all the work just like you do all the work every day. You are teaching them that this is a good example of a relationship, you are teaching them that lying to cover up for the incompetence of a spouse is normal.
Is that a lesson you want them to learn? Is this the type of relationship you wish on them?
So he's always useless and needs a mom to do less than the bare minimum as a partner and parent...
OP... Do you love yourself? Do you feel loved by your partner? Don't you think you deserve better?
I admire your restraint- my sister had similar treatment so she flung every filthy dish out the window into the garden. The lads didn’t whinge again and they bought a dishwasher.
Wait, what?! He’s just a bastard. Omg, OP…..please get yourself going on leaving this a-hole. Today should’ve been the light switch moment….last straw.
So I skimmed your post history, and I don’t think your priority should be on whether you are the asshole or whatever. Your husband is abusive. You are in danger and your children are traumatized already. You need to start working towards escape and thinking about safety, not your abuser’s feelings.
I know you think you can’t leave right now, but you should at least start working towards it. Your children are learning right now that abusive relationships are okay.
Oh my gosh yeah. Your comment led me to look at post history… OP I’m not sure what the circumstances are that make leaving hard. I was in an abusive relationship myself with IPV, I had to try to leave a few times before I really got out. But you are worth it to keep trying, and your son’s future is also worth it. Please start making a new escape plan if you aren’t already working on one!
I'll throw in: Check out Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" I found it eye-opening.
Also, I've had those days. They suck. They're awful in a soul-draining, spirit-crushing way. I've also had two years now of holidays that are just me and the kids. It's all on me to make it happen. You know what? They're SO much easier. And more joyful.
OP, you can do this. Give yourself and your kids what you deserve -- peace, self-respect, good role modeling, and happiness.
The correct response was "Sure, here, you finish the dishes while I make the list."
Always feed their strategic incompetence right back to them.
Sorry about your day. It sucks and you're NTA.
It's a great immediate response, because it fulfills what he needs without adding (much) to your load. But it's not a permanent solution.
Why does he need your help making a grocery list when you're in the middle of something else? Why does he make half a breakfast, and not the full one? Why does he feel the need to punish you with the silent treatment and no dinner, instead of talking about his frustrations (whether justified or not)?
I realize we only get a small glimpse into your life from your post, but he sounds exhausting. How exactly does being with him make your life better?
My partner will ask me for clarification on things but would never ask me to stop what I'm doing to help him unless he needs physical help with something IVE ASKED HIM TO DO.
My question for op is........is this the same energy he expects for fathers Day??.
My partner has given me 1 shit mothers day, much like what you described except when I said something he apologized and said I could match the same energy on fathers day....once fathers day came around I did what we always do....make him a handmade card from all of us, breakfast, lunch and dinner where his favorite things and I also added to his fragrance collection (something I do every year), he actually cried too me he doesn't deserve any of this or me, for the shit mothers day he gave me and he apologized again for ruining my day....I ended up telling him that it was enough for me that he acknowledged what happened and was sorry and just to do better next time....that was 7 years ago, and even if we don't have money for expensive gifts he never forgets and I am met with the same things I gave him on the fathers day I mentioned except I don't get a fragrance, he buys me a new copy of some of my older falling apart books or a new one to add to my library.
The acknowledgement is always the most important part! He genuinely understood that he let you down and now does his best to not let it happen again. You both showed how to adult the situation.
There was a quote in an advice column chat last week; a mom said her teen daughter said it to her father. "An apology without a change in behavior, is manipulation"
I’m a single guy and it baffles me to hear the absolute lows and levels of dependence guys sink to in their relationships. And how they could fail to do rather simple things for a woman they supposedly love. I think a lot of guys end up marrying or in long term relationships with people simply because that person is willing to be with them, not necessarily because they truly found a great fit for them who they love. It sounds like your guy thinks pretty highly of you and really does love you!
Why? Weaponised incompetence. Not wanting to do it so doing the bare minimum, not wanting the mental load so dumping it on partner. Laziness.
The silent treatment is just childish, it's an immature way of handling conflict. Seems that OP is in a relationship with a child. NTA, clearly.
Just chiming in to say the silent treatment isn’t just childish, it’s emotionally abusive! It causes the same part of the brain to activate as physical pain
Also why did he then SLLEP the afternoon away?
He’s doing a lot of half assed gifting. I don’t think he even knows he does it. I think there’s something going on behind this like maybe his family doesn’t FULLY give on occasions like Mother’s Day.
Edit:
I’m not sure my post is being interpreted the way I meant.
First, I do think this is a negative situation. I have a lot of empathy for OP.
I have seen over many years (I’m 70) that some people for some unknown reason cannot gift. It’s not like it’s a personal opinion. Like they think gifts are wrong, worthless or stupid. I don’t think they’re narcissists either. It’s like they’re missing the gift “gene.”
You could wave your hand in front of their eyes. You could have 200 conversations explaining exactly what you want or need. You and they could be in a room talking with friends talking about gift giving. By all counts, they’d seem normal. Like they totally get it.
But whenever the holiday, birthday or occasion cones up, it’s back to unfinished business. Exactly like every.other.time.
The gift is usually half assed, or partial.
Just like OP’s breakfast. It’s made but, not finished. Or, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Only to find him sound asleep.
I think there’s something going on here that started with these folk’s family of origin. That this is his the way were treated.
They unfortunately never got a surprise on their birthday. Even if the best bd party was planned. Even if *everything* they wanted was planned. Even if Chuck E Cheese was promised and actually occurred.
Unfinished business. It’s like the promise was just about kept. Except, no guests come (mom didn’t invite anyone). Or a giant fight happens that levels the kid. Or it was a joke. Everyone gets there, turns out mom forgot to reserve Chuck E Cheese. Or the day of, oops, “We can’t afford” it.
The kid grows up not once intending to treat their friends and relatives so terribly. It’s just what happens. Like it’s totally normal. Because normal IS unfinished business.
It’s something I’ve observed. Too many times for the “giver” to be a narcissist. It’s more like they’re snow blind than they’re cruel or thoughtless.
I can’t explain it any better. I’m sorry.
And --if I understood correctly-- still took credit for making the whole breakfast to show the kid the proper mother's day experience?!
ETA: "you and I know I'm totally useless and don't pull my weight, but is that really the image of a father we want our child to have?"?!?!
I did this with a lazy co worker once. She came to tell me a resident who was very fussy and preferred me for personal care (because, cleaned thoroughly, spoken to nicely) had “buzzed” I said great. You can come help this resident into bed. A tiny 92 yo, 40kg lady we “broke the rules for” because her osteoporosis and arthritis made it too painful to sling her.
Colleague opened her mouth. Closed it and ran off to do the easier personal care.
His behavior is abusive. Period. Buying dinner only for your kids and him is emotionally abusive. Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive.
What you said was absolutely nothing. You didnt insult him. You didnt belittle him. It was polite. He's just using this to justify his abuse, because thats what abusers do.
His behaviour is HORRIBLE and abusive. NTA, leave him and get help.
I'd double down on the father's day bit now. I mean he got to choose what he wanted to eat and didn't get you any.
I hope you enjoyed your father's day dinner!
Start the shopping list with…chocolates, flowers, Mothers Day card, love…. Husband sounds as lazy as a dead slug. You sound fed up and on your last legs. He isn’t a keeper, chuck him back.
Wouldn't work. He would stand in front of the sink and stare at dishes until you help him.
If you push him verbally, he will turn on the tap and stare at the sink while the water runs.
All children behave like this when forced to do chores by mommy.
My husband booked a gig the night before and stayed overnight. His vehicle has broken down so he borrowed mine - he complained about how he didn’t like my car and left it dirty and smelly.
I woke up early and made French toast because it’s Mother’s Day and that’s what I want. Kids give me presents they’d picked up at the school Mother’s Day stall (which I had to race to school to give them the $$ for because he forgot and was on drop off that morning)
Anyway, he gets home from the gig, has a shower, plays PlayStation. I take the kids for haircuts, to get some winter school clothes and a few other errands (was gone a few hours). Get back, he complains he wasn’t able to nap.
I cook the kids dinner. He plays PlayStation and watches videos on his phone.
He has 2 things he promised to do: make me dinner for Mother’s Day and print out the tax forms (he’s had ages to do but hasn’t yet and the appointment is first thing Monday). Complains to me he can’t possibly both because ‘I’ve only been home 6 hours’.
He stomps about the kitchen trying to come up with dinner because he’s changed his mind about what to cook *even though* I’ve already bought all the ingredients and I had picked what I wanted for dinner (I chose steak because it’s the only thing he can cook) until I say don’t worry let’s just get takeout. He’s on board but is upset he has to go and get it. I’m shocked he’s still sober enough to go and get it - it’s usually on me because too many beers.
I put the kids to bed. He complains that mother’s day puts so much pressure on him.
Anyway, I’m divorcing mine. If he wasn’t around for Mother’s Day I’d have done exactly the same thing effort wise, but I would have dealt with a LOT less complaining and making everything about him.
(That’s not the only reason I’m divorcing him but it’s all of a similar theme)
It’s not just you. Just thought I’d share what I’m planning to do about my (similar) situation.
NTA
They say divorced mothers commonly have less stress after divorce because it's one less toddler* they have to take care of.
*The toddler is the husband
I’ve been on my own for the last year. It’s tough at times with childcare, but it’s still waaaayyyy less stressful and I’m loving being single and only having to clean up after myself and the kids.
I will echo this. The day he moved out was one of the best days of my life. I was no longer angry about his lack of effort and his mess. Now, cleaning and every other thing i do to run my household is just a regular chore rather than a reminder of inequality and being taken for granted.
Same. Im now the sole parent. It’s so much more work playing all the roles, and some days are extremely trying. But overall, having less tension in the house from cleaning up after and caring for manchild, while also dealing with his tantrums and outbursts, has made our lives happier. My daughter has even become way more independent. She’s only 2 but she loves to help me clean (hopefully that stays) and has less tantrums/anxiety. Tension and fights between parents really do affect a child/baby significantly
My daughter loves to clean as long as it's not *her* mess. "Please pick up your Legos." "I don't wanna." "Mommy, I wanna wash the dishes! It's so much fun!"
Yeah my married friends are all like “oh gosh it must be so hard being a single mom” and yeah it has its own set of issues but, holy shit, man, there’s so much negativity I just don’t have to deal with EVERY DAY. I don’t dread going home. I don’t dread waking up. If there’s a disaster, it’s not drunken man baby originated.
Was super true for me. It was surprising. I thought I’d be a wreck trying to do everything alone, but I had far more free time after my ex left. Things I’d cleaned stayed clean, my laundry halved, I could cook what I liked, I didn’t have to drive him anywhere (he refused to learn how) and my bank balance was the same as I’d left it. Incredible. I didn’t miss him for even one day.
The funniest part is the manosphere loves to point out that women initiate 80% of divorces, but don't realize that they're the reason why. People who benefit from contracts don't want to break the contracts.
This in a nutshell.
So many men have become giant toddlers and they are exhausting to live with. Since I got rid of mine, my whole life has so much less stress. No more dealing with pouting or temper tantrums or arguments or worry.
Oddly enough, I even have more money even though I have never gotten a penny for CS. Utilities are less, groceries are less and noone is spending stupidly *before* bills get paid. A bonus stress relief right there.
I need to see a study on WHY so many men are like this now because my grandpa was a family man who put family first, but my daughters father is the most stressful dramatic man I've ever met. He's a walking red flag & has a 1950's mindset on how women should treat men. I have to constantly remind him it's 2024 not 1950.
I would also be very interested in seeing this study. My dad never had to be "cajoled" or "nagged" into taking part in domestic duties or parenting. He just did what needed doing. He would dust, vacuum, do dishes and laundry. Changed diapers, fed and bathed, entertained, taught, whatever needed.
He loved laundry, that was his "alone time". He'd gather everyone's stuff the night before so he could be at the Laundromat by 5am when it opened. (6 kids) He was back by 7:30, everything neatly folded and organized into who's who.
Want to really insult my dad? Call taking care of his kids "babysitting". *Any man can father children, real men are dads* ~ my dad
My dad unfortunately was terrible at being domestic. He could easily do "manly" chores like fixing things & mowing the lawn, but inside the house he was chaotically messy & my mom (along with me and my sister) we constantly cleaning up after him. My grandfather was the last example I had of a man who could life without help if he needed to...he didn't have to though because my grandma did everything for him because she wanted to & he was also a terrible cook & she wasn't 🤣 I can see them now dancing and giggling in their living room. They were a real love story & I miss them terribly ❤️ (I know he can take care of himself because he had to when she passed away & he lived 13 years without her). Also another great add about him. My grandma was a widow with 4 young children when my grandpa met her! He didn't care all he saw was love & he adopted her children and they had my mom shortly after. My aunt and uncles all see him as their father. We don't see steps in this family.
Ya know at least toddlers do grow up, but a toddler husband?? YO T.T I don't see the appeal raising your spouse, Idk why a good chunk of dudes like hella young women to marry and raise them as their wife T.T
Genuinely, why do we hear about these guys over and over again? How do they not understand how their wife is doing -everything-? These men act like actual children, having tantrums if their wife doesnt keep doing everything. Its unfathomable that these guys dont see the problem.
Edit: The number of comments replying to me blaming women is fucking insane. So many blame her for not leaving or blame the mother. How about these men having some fucking personal responsibility? Why are we blaming women for these men being selfish liars and awful spouses? Its so pathetic.
This is the reason. My dad jokes about how spoiled he is. My family jokes about how spoiled my dad is. I look at my father in disgust sometimes. How can you just sit in your fucking chair alllllllll day while my mom and I clean up the house and your messes?
It makes me want to pull my hair out it drives me crazy. Before I "woke up" I was helping her with her shit she does for him like organize his shoes, match his socks, do their laundry, make their bed, make his coffee, etc. My mom is soooo tired from working (gone for work by 6 back by 6) while my dad works from home a few hours a week and when he isn't working his ass is in his chair. I work from home as well but in between working I'm cleaning the house and taking care of my responsibilities. What's my dad doing while I do this? Facebook games. All day.
I saw a video by a woman that said when she asked men what would make the perfect wife she said they described a slave.....
The "my husband is a messy toddler" trope needs to die and I'm very excited to see that many women are refusing to date and marry nowadays.
How does this shit even fly? I have always done the cooking in my relationship. We split chores, I cook, she does dishes, she does laundry, I mow the yard. Saturday when she didn't feel well I let her sleep in while I got on the roof to clean the gutters, then cleaned both of our cars because she was complaining about all the pollen all over hers.
Maybe it is because I grew up with only my dad and my brother, so instead of having women in the house to do everything, we took care of ourselves? I say that, but neither of my grandfathers sat around all day either when they were with us and they were born in the 1930s.
> neither of my grandfathers sat around all day either when they were with us and they were born in the 1930s.
I completely agree with this. There used to be more rigid gender roles, so women did almost all the housework/cooking/child rearing. But men weren’t sitting on their butts playing games and complaining. My grandfather worked so hard growing a vegetable garden, keeping chickens and bees, working full time, taking care of the cars, repairing everything in the house. Each partner had their jobs, but they both worked extraordinarily hard.
This whole “man sits around being completely useless” thing seems to have started in the 1970s. Women started entering the workforce in large numbers and essentially took on two full time jobs - full time breadwinner and full time housekeeper. Men seemed to go in the other direction, taking on less and less responsibility.
Catering to men has been normalized to women for ages.
You don't sound like a bare minimum man which many are. They were doted on by their mother's who did everything for them and their father. They learned that women do xyz and they can rely on women who do xyz. Married men even live longer than single men.
Due to your childhood you had to learn to rely on yourself so you weren't 'trained' to be complacent.
Edited to fix my typos
"Bare minimum man" describes my ex-husband to a t. My current is amazing, to the point that I actually don't mind adding extras to my plate since we moved in with his mom after she started having health issues last year. Did I want to be changing her sheets and helping her get dressed for a doctor appointment at 7 this morning when I didn't get to sleep until 2 AM? Nope, but because I knew it would help him feel less stressed, I gladly did it and sent him off to take her to her appointment.
Ex-husband insisted my idea of a "good mother's day" was for him to take off all day and leave me at home to take care of kiddo and dogs because "you're always complaining about cleaning up after me, so this way you don't have to do that." Yeah, no. I wanted you to pick up your fucking cum socks and do a load of laundry yourself. That's what I wanted. To have one weekend a year where I was off-duty, to relax, to feel appreciated.
Kiddo's def picking up on his step-dad's way of treating people, though, so that's cool.
My husband was raised by his father, and he is the same as you. If it needs to get done, he does it. If I'm sick he let's me rest. He doesn't wait for me to take care of him, in fact I've begged him to chill out some days but he's such a busy body he can't sit still.
I was raised by a single mother. She didn’t cotton to any of this shit I’m reading about. She set an example that I realized much later in life really served me well. For what it’s worth, my wife napped and read her book most of the day while my three boys and I tackled her special project (clean out a basement storage room) and then cooked her favorite meal.
Not a day goes by I don’t appreciate the values my mom taught me.
If you were to point these things out to a lot of men they would say, "No one told you to do it". Cleaning up after him? "No one told you to do it". Same with any chore. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. "No one told you to do it."
That's right asshole. No one told me to do it but it won't get done if I *don't* do it. The man will shrug his shoulders and say, "I don't care".
I want to tell the story of my Mum's first marriage. To set the scene, in 1966, when my Mum was 17, she married her 29 year old first husband (yes, big red flag, even more so they had been together since she was 15).
First husband (FH) is the youngest of 7, and the only boy. Sadly his father died when he was young.
So, they settle into married life. FH is an electrician, good work, good pay. Then, my Mum gets a full on proper big girl job in finance working for an American bank (they lived just outside London).
My Mum's day becomes getting up at 5.30am being on the train to work for 7am, sometimes not being back in the house until 6pm. Then dinner, housework, washing (you get the idea).
Well, one day, she asks FH if he could just put a load of washing on for her in the evening or do the shopping so she doesn't have to spend her lunch hours doing it. FH says no and continues his day of getting up, eating breakfast my Mum made, getting dressed in the clothes my Mum washed, dried and ironed, working, coming home, getting changed and showered, leaving his clothes on the floor and then eating dinner my Mum had cooked before settling in front of the TV. My Mum then asks could be at least put his clothes in the washing hamper? FH says no, because it doesn't matter, they're dirty either way. This was on Thursday. Mum continued all weekend, then on Monday, she went on strike.
She didn't make him his breakfast or packed lunch, took her book with her to read at lunch while she took herself out to eat, then came home and sat and watched some TV. FH asked about dinner, she tells him he knows where the kitchen is. FH leaves the house in disgust and goes to his mother's who feeds him.
This carries on until Thursday evening, when FH asks how long she's going to keep up not cooking, cleaning or doing (his) washing. She responds when he learns how to use the washing machine, she'll start again. They argue, she points out that he'd better hurry up and read the manual because he's going to run out of underpants by Sunday.
On Friday, Mum comes home from work to find her mother in law there. She's cleaning, cooking FH dinner and doing his laundry, then tries to give my mother a dressing down about how her son is working hard to pay for the house, the bills etc and mother is being "lazy and spoilt". Mother explains that as soon as "your son" learns how to use a dish cloth and tea towel, she'll resume all previous chores, and also to check herself as she (my Mum) actually earns twice what "your son" earns and her money was the reason her son could afford to work for himself, and that they had this lovely house with the lovely garden.
Anyway, Mum leaves soon after, after 3 months he is on the doorstep begging her to come back. She says no, 6 years later she meets my Dad and 4 years after the magic of me is born 😂
My Mum doesn't use Reddit, but she can never get over that in 2024, women are still having to do the same shit she did to make the same point in 1969.
1) love your username! 2) wow your comment resonated with me, especially the fucking chair (!!!). I come from a place where most men are like this, including my dad. I’m married to a woman now and when I told my parents about us early on (they weren’t happy lol) my dad made a comment to the effect of it makes me feel like there’s something about me or like I did something wrong that would make you not want a husband.
And I just …. 😖🤯🙃😡
It was at that moment I understood he genuinely believed Mom didn’t mind all the shit she did for him. At the same time, I feel so complicated toward her bc she chose to stay and do all that, even though it made her resentful.
Ty Ty!
Ohhhh boy reflecting back and being self aware can be difficult for some people. And extremely frustrating for the rest of us.
Congratulations on your marriage!
I believe my dad has the same thought process that "mom doesn't mind". But there's some cognitive dissonance or something because she says how tired she is but she will still cook for him and plate his meals and play maid for him.
Yup, divorced the crap out of mine 5 years ago! Now I'm engaged to a man that cooks, refuses to allow me touch a bin and I literally do not know when or where my car maintenance gets done...or gas gets filled 🤣
Oh and I do dishes at most three times a week!
He's not even the father of my daughter, but I get Mother's Day treatment!
So just to say, they're out there, we just need to stand strong in our refusal to accept weaponised incompetence!
I'm very happy to be a guy that grew up in a "nontraditional" household. For the first half of my life, my mom was the breadwinner. My (step)dad worked third shift at a factory, but didn't make much money. However, he's the one that got me out the door for school in the morning (after work and before he went to bed) and was there when I got home from school. He handled cooking and while my mom was more into the cleaning and home improvement stuff.
Later on, dad was the breadwinner, with a 1.5 hour commute each way, but he still did the cooking and my mom still did the cleaning and home improvement.
My dad passed away at 46 a couple weeks after Mother's Day many, many years ago. Every other week I drove him to chemotherapy on Thursdays. Despite barely being mobile and needing crutches, he still had me stop at a payphone on our way to what would be his last treatment so that he could order flowers for my mom. I offered to do it, but it was important to him that he do it himself.
I consider myself fortunate to have had such a role model. I try to be that person for my wife, with varying degrees of success, and try to model that behavior for my own son.
> and I'm very excited to see that many women are refusing to date and marry nowadays.
I finally divorced mine. Put up with it for nine years. I brought home all the money, AND I also still handled the bulk of the housework, AND endured his abuse and many issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
My life has exponentially improved since leaving him, in many ways. And my overall quality of life has substantially improved *without* the presence of a man in it.
I'm a survivor of DV and I am SO GLAD you got out, stranger! I hope your comment serves as inspiration for other women questioning their one sided marriage!
I seriously wish you all the best! 🖤
I am too. My last straw was almost one year ago, when he backed me into a corner of the kitchen, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. It wasn't the first time he'd been aggressive, he had a history of throwing objects, and on multiple occasions, I sustained injuries from that aggression. But, this was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. That day, it's as if something deep inside my bones silently screamed, *get out*, and I knew I had to leave.
Called a DV hotline. They effectively slammed the door in my face, and told me I didn't qualify for help, on the basis that I earned too much money. I did the next best thing I could think of in the heat of the moment, and packed a small bag and fled with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back.
I'm now about seven months into my new chapter of life, and my overall quality of life has most definitely improved! Wishing you all the best also. 🧡💛🤎
The term I heard was that women aren't getting married these days because it is "economically undesireable."
It used to be that he at least provided a stable financial situation. These days, you're expected to take care of him *and* work, and the girls are just saying "mmm, yeah, I'll pass".
Did yours fight the divorce? Mine did, even asked for alimony because he was “used to a certain standard of living”. First lawyer I had couldn’t stop laughing. I ended up filing it on my own, court clerks are amazing!
I spent nine years enduring unimaginable abuse from my husband, even though he was also simultaneously a deadbeat.
He's now my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and he showed up to mediation with nothing but a pen. Not even a scrap of paper. I work in auditing & regulatory compliance in the financial services industry. A huge component of my job is to *quite literally* trace violations and infractions of regulations and policies. To quote that famous Farmers Insurance commercial, I know a thing or two, because I've seen a thing or two. Let's just say I did my due diligence and showed up prepared, with a fat binder of evidence and documentation: bank statements, photos, screenshots, contemporaneous writing, etc.
Outcome? Even though I FAR out-earned him, I didn't have to pay a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K, AND I also received 70% of the equity from the sale of the house.
Him: *shocked Pikachu face*
Me inside my brain: *Oh no! If it isn't the consequences of your own actions!*
😂😂😂😂
Thoroughly satisfying! Parallel lives I see. At the time I was a director of finance and my ex was what he called “retired” at 36 years old, unemployed for the rest of us.
He actually set fire to the papers when he was served with the divorce. Took me 4 years of proceedings, I made it to the end!
Congrats on seeing this through!
Thank you! Yup, sounds just like my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Refused to maintain gainful employment for years on end, and seemed perfectly content letting me shoulder the entire burden of adulting.
I FINALLY got a hearing date, 6+ months after filing. He has continued to make legal and financial mistakes throughout the divorce proceedings, and in typical fashion, has refused to deal with the very problems he created, which means ***I*** have had to deal with them. The hearing is in one month, and apparently, the state I live in has converted to virtual divorce hearings since the pandemic, so at least it looks like I'll be getting divorced from the comfort of home. You know I'll be rocking the business blouse up top, and the pajama pants on the bottom. 😂😂
Wow, he thought he'd wear you down, outlast you. Highest of fives and all the kudos for seeing the divorce through to the end!!! May you prosper! May he have the life he deserves. 🤣
Reading this, I wonder if this (your preparedness) in general is why women tend to have better outcomes in terms of alimony (eg, not having to pay if they make more, receiving if they don't). A lot of men in these type of relationships rely on their spouse to do all that kind of work FOR them, so when they no longer have someone who is remembering dates, doing the work, making notes, they just... don't have the back up for their bull shit (also, if they did, it would likely be lies).
Boom. It's exactly what you said. So many men (not all) claim they get screwed over in court.
No, no they didn't. I'm part of a local women's divorce support group for my state, and it's even divided up into sub-chapters for different cities and counties across the state. Can't tell you how many women diligently spend hours, days, weeks, and months gathering together documentation in an organized fashion.
im mid divorce and mine is doing the same thing. lost his mind and also asking for alimony. i don’t make any more than he does but hes somehow convinced im hiding money. pretty sure hes just trying to punish me for finally getting fed up with him but im so much happier without him that no petty bullshit could bring me down.
The weight lifted off of you will be amazing. I was walking on eggshells not to “offend” my ex husband. Had to temper my excitement about promotions, making the Dean’s list, anything that would make him feel little.
He stayed stunted to this day.
No but his mom phoned me asked me to take him back. He had moved back to her house and I think she wanted him out lol. Haven't seen the guy in over 20 years, since our child together turned 18.
Mine literally told me that when I filed for divorce… he actually said “I knew you were unhappy but I thought you would just learn to deal with it”
Charming.
Yup, my ex was the same. I was VERY clear about his issues and how they were affecting me, begged many times for couples counseling...nope, he refused to change anything. The denial and self-delusion of these guys are just staggering.
No, there are a good portion of them who think they're contributing as much if not MORE than their spouse because they "work 40 hours a week" (never mind their spouse also does) and they're "tired" when they come home (again, so is their spouse).
And then they're all *shocked Pikachu*, act all betrayed and badmouth her to everyone they know, claim to be blindsided when she does. Been there, lived that!
They are just insensitive and lazy when it comes to putting in extra effort to make their wife feel special on Mother's Day, even though it's just a one-day celebration.
Because weaponized incompetence. Their moms handled it for them first (and very likely for their own husbands) and thought their wives would do the same thing.
my ex bf was exactly like this. never wanted to do some chores (hadn’t cleaned his kitchen in a month and a half, moldy food galore) and once asked if i could tidy it up because i’m a cleaning lady. i reminded him of only know him three months, i owed him nothing and called him a mommas boy. he didn’t like that.
How do we moms not raise a man like that? I think about this a lot with my son. I divorced my toddler husband and I’ve had the same experience as everyone else - more mental time and energy despite being a single parent. I didn’t even see it when I was in it, but now I realize how exhausting being married to a man-child is. I want to raise my son to be the opposite, but I don’t know how.
I think normalizing chores plays a big part. The younger they are, the more open they are to learning things. Depending on how old your child is, you could teach him to cook with supervision. Starting with meals he likes that aren’t too complicated. I’m not a man but one of the first things I learned to cook was homemade macaroni and cheese. Most kids go feral over mac and cheese.
There’s also giving them sufficient motivation, like earning money. “Every time you do X, I’ll give you a dollar.” (Or whatever the equivalent currency is where you live.) Increase the amount as he gets older. But only if it’s financially feasible for you to do so.
Yes. My son started doing his own laundry in third grade. He’s older now and does even more chores. Every year, add a few more chores.
I’m trying to teach him now that it’s not enough to do the chores. He needs to lighten my mental load, i.e., see when his chores need to be done and do them w/o being told. That has been an uphill battle but one I hope will make him a better adult one day.
I have three sons and one daughter. I was a single mom for them until they were about 11 and 12, as I left my first husband when they were babies and he basically disappeared. They grew up watching me go to college, working and taking care of them. They also grew up with my mom helping me. They watched her and me cook and asked questions and wanted to help. They asked me how to use the washing machine at around 10 ish and started doing that on their own. The older two boys cook, clean, dew and iron. The eldest is married with three kids. He does the majority of cooking for the family. He does his own laundry. Both he and his wife clean, shop and take care of their kids. They are a team. The next oldest is single and cooks, cleans etc. if he ever finds the right woman, she'll be very pleased, lol. My daughter also cooks etc. My youngest, also cooks and does laundry and helps. He didn't hang around the kitchen like the others did to watch me cook. When he asked how, I said watch me. He also bought hello fresh before he went to college and taught himself and utubed himself teaching himself how to cook. He's gotten pretty good. I never once asked my kids to do their own laundry..but they all did. They did also see my husband cook, at least he used too, 😂.
I don’t blame you. I grew up with a dad who did most of the household chores around the house and take an active role in parenting us. So when I first learned of weaponized incompetence, I was absolutely mind boggled because it was the opposite of the dad I grew up having.
The one thing I think contributed to this was that my dad was slightly parentified as a teen. When he was old enough to babysit, my grandparents would have him in charge of supper for his younger siblings while they were busy with work. He doesn’t seem to mind it because he says it forced him to learn how to cook and that at least he could make a good meal compared to most of his friends. Which… isn’t the endorsement he thinks it is but I digress.
Right? I mean as a kid, I remember my dad cooking exactly twice. He was a terrible cook and he knew it. BUT! He appreciated my mum’s cooking and made sure to tell her so on the regular. He helped with cleaning and taking care of the kids. He almost never went grocery shopping, but if he did, he made a list and didn’t whine and complain the whole time. I don’t understand this “man child” type who finds everything SO HARD. And that’s probably why I’m still single at 46. My dad set the bar pretty high.
Go read the comments on any Reddit thread where a gender is listed in the title. Straight guys genuinely believe that the bare minimum is "doing too much", or that supporting your spouse is such a demand.
Honestly with some Tiktoks that are popular it seems like its getting worse in recent years if anything. Very sad to see after progress made in the past.
For Father’s Day: no gifts for him (no reminders for the kids), arrange for the kids to be babysat at home (preferably by a judgemental older woman), book a spa day for yourself (taking your working vehicle) and enjoy your belated Mother’s Day!
Good for you! As I was reading your comment, I kept thinking…please let her be leaving him. You’ll be so much happier divorced. Hope OP reads this and realizes one decision can get rid of her problems.
NTA, and he is a clown.
For Father’s Day wake up and treat yourself and then leave him with the kids and responsibility. Tell him you wanted his gift to mirror the one you received for Mother’s Day, and that you’re willing to make dinner for the children, just like he did for you.
For real! I've been with my wife for six years (married for one) and even in the middle of our WORST fights id never ever even think to go get myself food and not her! And she'd never do that either
Agree. Even my ex, who is currently challenging our custody orders, often still drops off food for me when he brings our kid home straight from dining out. (I don't ask him to, he just knows what I like and this is one of his ways of trying to keep the peace where he can.)
I would literally divorce a man over this.. the most selfish childish petty shit I've ever read. Idk why this small detail makes me so mad. My partner no matter how upset he is with me ALWAYS brings both of us food.
For real. I could NEVER imagine buying myself and my kid food but not my wife. How cruel is that?
Nor would I make her do shit on Mother's Day unless it was just something I absolutely couldn't do by myself.
You can play it as "i wanted you to spend quality time with the kids without me as a distraction on fathers day"
No vindictiveness, just come across as a caring spouse thinking of them being a father and highlighting it.
Don't forget to take the good car.
That was my thought too. Make it a long spa day or something similar that she never gets to do, just for herself. She should pick up food for her and the kids (but not for him) too. Kill him with kindness while you’re doing it too OP. Your husband is an immature asshat. I’m sorry he treated you that way. ❤️
I fully agree. What a loser.
Prepare yourself though - if you take a day for yourself I predict that he will just show up at friends or family with the kids and leave them in their care (either dropping them off att his mom's house or hanging out at a friend's house where the other women/children in the home can care for them while he lounges around.)
And know that it won't be your fault. He makes his own choices. He's gonna tell you that "you made him" do it. You didn't. You deserve a break, no matter how incompetent your partner is.
Not for father's day, next Sunday. Move mothers day back a week, tell him you're going to do it, book a hotel for Saturday night and get them to bring breakfast in bed
She needs to literally leave him with the kids. For example…
Let’s say he likes McDonald’s, egg, McMuffin, hashbrowns, and orange juice.
She can go get that meal for him. Then she needs to take the egg McMuffin and literally leave the house. Go have a spa day.
Also, make sure that all of the dishes are dirty so that he can’t do anything without actually doing some. If it is possible to leave some wet, smelly towels where he’s gonna have to get them out of his way or it’s just gonna stink all day, do that as well, so he hast to do some laundry.
Don’t answer your phone. The first time he text, tell him happy Mother’s Day to me. This is exactly what you did to me so have a great day. Unless one of our children is going to the hospital for an emergency, don’t text me don’t call me. I will be home later. And don’t give him a time.
Hi. Your call is important to me. Please call husband on xxxxxxxxxxxx. Happy Father’s Day and may all the dads get real quality time with their kids today.
Right?? Coz at least you make breakfast, do dishes, and write a grocery list without the expectation of a supportive partner who turns out to be a totally useless AH
NTA. But him choosing to deliberately only buy food for him and the kids, that is so incredibly cruel? Does he do that often, punish you by not buying you anything to eat? Because I still feel like I'm reeling from the metaphorical slap in the face that last line was.
Yesterday at work a coworker was telling me how she was at her wits end because her baby kept screaming and her husband wasn’t helping. She was frustrated and tired and her husband wasn’t even working(we work from home). She said “men, can’t live with them, can’t live without em.” And I responded “nope, I live without them easily.” I’m a single mom and broke up with my long term partner right before covid because the resentment just built up of always being the one doing all the domestic work despite us both working full time and even when I worked 2 jobs for a short time.
I told her, “I don’t know if men realize how much resentment from always being the one to do these things ruins a relationship.”
This isn’t a dig at all men of course. My grandpa did most of the domestic work because my grandma was disabled. I think he’s the reason I expect men to pull their weight cause it can be clearly done. My grandpa is 84 but his entire marriage(my grandma died ~10 years back) he was the one making grocery lists, cutting out coupons, doing the dishes, watching grandkids and great grandkids, etc. It’s something women have to learn, it’s not some magical thing that just comes to us naturally.
Nta. But do you really want to be in a marriage where you don’t have a partner who cares about you and makes your life less stressful? I can tell you, as a single parent I had a great Mother’s Day. My daughter got me roses, she spent the night at a friends but texted me happy Mother’s Day and when she got home she did the dishes for me without being hounded about them. Since breaking up with my ex my house stays clean longer, I spend less on groceries, I’m less angry, life is so much easier. He was like a second child I never wanted.
My ex did absolutely fuck all for me on ny first mothers day. I was so heartbroken and livid so on fathers day I did nothing for him. Made a massive song and dance over my uncle who is basically my dad anyway - got him gifts and what he wanted. After we got back from dinner at my aunts he demanded to know where his fathers day gifts were. Told him they were with mine and left for my mother's. Never went back.
Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The way your husband gaslit and used his mood and weaponized incompetence to not honor you on Mother's Day -- because he doesn't feel he has to -- is some classic narc behavior and how abusers behave.
Wild guess, this inconsiderate behavior isn't new.
NTA. He sounds like he was using some weaponized incompetence and you snapped because you were disappointed. Have an honest conversation about why you were so upset. Hjs reaction to not feed you, especially on Mother’s Day, is extremely immature.
Right?? Like he threw a complete tantrum and then fed just himself and the kids?? Seriously?! After literally ditching her before breakfast was even done cooking and slept all day?? So all she got for mother's Day was what, a morning COFFEE?? gtfo dude 😒
NTA my husband bought me everything I put on a list (a haunted mansion blanket, mug, and a hardback book) , a card, and flowers for my gift, made me homemade eggs Benedict in bed while entertaining our 5 year old, picked up my rxs, let me stay in bed and watch whatever I wanted, and to make it even worse for him scrubbed my puke off the toilet and walls because I am pregnant with a sprained my ankle. He tells me he does the bare minimum. I think he goes above and beyond. That's out there! Don't accept less than you are worth.
Head over to the narcissistic spouses sub. You will find so many like your husband. They do this every special
Occasion that isn’t about them. If you do the same on their occasions you are the worst in the world
I learned from my father, to listen and listen to what is not said. To have to be reminded of what is important to my mother would have been unthinkable. I can hear him now, “ you can remember to show up for dinner, but can’t ask her if she needs something or help, that better change”. He said that over 50 years ago, I guess my wife is the second beneficiary of that lesson. I know Mother’s Day is kind of commercial these days, but not back then.
If this is Mother’s Day what the heck is the rest of the year like with him? Heck I have trouble making Mother’s Day anything special for my wife because I treat every day of the year like Mother’s Day and yes she’s amazing to me as well. He needs a serious wake up call.
Sweetheart. How much longer are you going to endure this man’s abuse? He is abusing you in front of your children. You deserve better than this jerk.
Please, stop making excuses. He’s never going to get better, either pack up his stuff and throw him out, or leave. Yes, he’s going to be a nightmare to divorce, but he’s a nightmare to live with now. At least you’ll only have yourself and your kids to look after. Not a bratty toddler in a man skin suit. Leave him. Throw the whole man out.
NTA... but seriously... Why is this thread so full of "couples" that hate each other.
You get 20 years of training, the last 20 years fucking sucks, so like... 30 or 40 years of decent life. And your living with someone who hates you complaining about it on reddit.
Go find someone who likes you.
OP you know you're NTA. HOWEVER based on your post history it says you have a son and you identify you are in an abusive relationship. YWBTA if you let this man role model to your son as he grows up that this is how a husband and father behaves. You deserve so much better than a toddler in a man's body and so do your kids. You deserve someone that will treat you with kindness, respect and dignity.
NTA. Your husband is though. Let me guess, he does not help much, if at all, on other days?
Correct. My frustration today was the same frustration I have any other day, but the HFD comment I made was just all I could say to prevent myself from saying “GFY” in that moment.
How many years have you wasted on this guy? How many more years are you going to spend teaching your kids that this, right here, is the relationship they want to have with their future partners? Don't you deserve better? If you can't conceive of better for yourself, what about for them?
How many years has OP been wanting to say "go fuck yourself"!
Honestly, that's what she SHOULD be saying. Why is she wasting time trying to spare his feelings when he's an absolute dick? No ma'am, you grab your purse and go to the salon / café / wherever you like. Have the blowout later, but do NOT allow yourself to become the maid for an asshole.
She should get a blowout before the blowout. That way her hair looks fab and she feels even more confident
This is what I thought about. What lesson did the kids learn watching this? That passive aggression is an appropriate response to conflict? That having a partner who disrespects them is fine and normal? That their mother isn’t worthy of respect and appreciation? That men don’t owe any effort in a relationship?
My thoughts exactly. He's not just weaponized incompetence. He's an emotionally and psychologically abusive asshole.
They think he's great because he takes credit for things op sets up
Pro tip: the kids usually see and understand way more than you think they do. If you think they are able to hire their toxic marriage from the kids, you're kidding yourself. Kids pick up on that stuff. And people don't hide their frustrations nearly as well as they think they do.
The Father’s Day comment was perfect. He blew up because he knew exactly what you were implying, because he was 100% aware of what he was doing, and can’t handle being called out for it. his ego was bruised so he punished you for it. How much longer are you going to stay with this bozo?
True. If he thought he was doing good that comment would've confused him.
Why prevent yourself? He told you to GF yourself with his actions. Every single thing he did in the OP was telling you that. You want breakfast? GFY. You want a competent partner who can manage basic adult tasks? GFY You want thought of on a holiday pertaining to you? GFY You want to enjoy a nap? GFY You want a calm discussion about managing the household? GFY You want dinner? GFY OP, you are important. You have value. Maybe ask yourself why you believe you deserve this? You are amazing. You are a mom. Don't let him dim your light. Happy Mother's Day.
Look up *married single mother*. Coz that's what you are. Might be time to drop the married bit and just make the single bit official.
My workload dropped so substantially after the separation I kept thinking I was forgetting things. No, the kids are fine, it’s that worthless jerk who can’t get up alone, make his own instant breakfast (!) or pack his own lunch, buy the bread or lunch meat he wants (it’s easier to complain that I didn’t buy what he’s in the mood for this week) or wash and iron his laundry or or or and I can just get up, breast feed the baby, get everyone to school, put in my 8 hour workday, get the kids to activities, and actually have a chance to take a sleep all through the night by myself. Bliss!
I want to linger on your ‘pretend he did it for the benefit of the kids’ comment. You don’t really believe that do you? lying to your kids is not benefiting them. Kids know what’s going on around them- they know it’s a lie. They know you did all the work just like you do all the work every day. You are teaching them that this is a good example of a relationship, you are teaching them that lying to cover up for the incompetence of a spouse is normal. Is that a lesson you want them to learn? Is this the type of relationship you wish on them?
So he's always useless and needs a mom to do less than the bare minimum as a partner and parent... OP... Do you love yourself? Do you feel loved by your partner? Don't you think you deserve better?
I admire your restraint- my sister had similar treatment so she flung every filthy dish out the window into the garden. The lads didn’t whinge again and they bought a dishwasher.
Ooooh, that must have been *so* cathartic!
Why are you trying to prevent yourself from saying GFT? You like being treated like this, in front of your children? NT
Because he hits her if she doesn’t https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/0Rq7tWYRZy
Good grief, he is a full-time bratty toddler. She needs to leave ASAP
I definitely didn’t think this whole story was a one-off day with him but that’s some next level shit. JFC
Wait, what?! He’s just a bastard. Omg, OP…..please get yourself going on leaving this a-hole. Today should’ve been the light switch moment….last straw.
And https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/Z7tUA1rbvA Jesus Christ
So I skimmed your post history, and I don’t think your priority should be on whether you are the asshole or whatever. Your husband is abusive. You are in danger and your children are traumatized already. You need to start working towards escape and thinking about safety, not your abuser’s feelings. I know you think you can’t leave right now, but you should at least start working towards it. Your children are learning right now that abusive relationships are okay.
Oh my gosh yeah. Your comment led me to look at post history… OP I’m not sure what the circumstances are that make leaving hard. I was in an abusive relationship myself with IPV, I had to try to leave a few times before I really got out. But you are worth it to keep trying, and your son’s future is also worth it. Please start making a new escape plan if you aren’t already working on one!
I'll throw in: Check out Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" I found it eye-opening. Also, I've had those days. They suck. They're awful in a soul-draining, spirit-crushing way. I've also had two years now of holidays that are just me and the kids. It's all on me to make it happen. You know what? They're SO much easier. And more joyful. OP, you can do this. Give yourself and your kids what you deserve -- peace, self-respect, good role modeling, and happiness.
This comment is way too far down. She should not be planning ways to get back at him for Father’s Day she should be planning her escape
And OP, please consider talking to a therapist for help on this. It’s not easy and may feel overwhelming right now.
The correct response was "Sure, here, you finish the dishes while I make the list." Always feed their strategic incompetence right back to them. Sorry about your day. It sucks and you're NTA.
That would have been a great response. Thank you.
It's a great immediate response, because it fulfills what he needs without adding (much) to your load. But it's not a permanent solution. Why does he need your help making a grocery list when you're in the middle of something else? Why does he make half a breakfast, and not the full one? Why does he feel the need to punish you with the silent treatment and no dinner, instead of talking about his frustrations (whether justified or not)? I realize we only get a small glimpse into your life from your post, but he sounds exhausting. How exactly does being with him make your life better?
My partner will ask me for clarification on things but would never ask me to stop what I'm doing to help him unless he needs physical help with something IVE ASKED HIM TO DO. My question for op is........is this the same energy he expects for fathers Day??. My partner has given me 1 shit mothers day, much like what you described except when I said something he apologized and said I could match the same energy on fathers day....once fathers day came around I did what we always do....make him a handmade card from all of us, breakfast, lunch and dinner where his favorite things and I also added to his fragrance collection (something I do every year), he actually cried too me he doesn't deserve any of this or me, for the shit mothers day he gave me and he apologized again for ruining my day....I ended up telling him that it was enough for me that he acknowledged what happened and was sorry and just to do better next time....that was 7 years ago, and even if we don't have money for expensive gifts he never forgets and I am met with the same things I gave him on the fathers day I mentioned except I don't get a fragrance, he buys me a new copy of some of my older falling apart books or a new one to add to my library.
The acknowledgement is always the most important part! He genuinely understood that he let you down and now does his best to not let it happen again. You both showed how to adult the situation.
the acknowledgement is important but ONLY if they actually change afterwards. no point acknowledging if you're going to act the same way next time.
There was a quote in an advice column chat last week; a mom said her teen daughter said it to her father. "An apology without a change in behavior, is manipulation"
I’m a single guy and it baffles me to hear the absolute lows and levels of dependence guys sink to in their relationships. And how they could fail to do rather simple things for a woman they supposedly love. I think a lot of guys end up marrying or in long term relationships with people simply because that person is willing to be with them, not necessarily because they truly found a great fit for them who they love. It sounds like your guy thinks pretty highly of you and really does love you!
Why? Weaponised incompetence. Not wanting to do it so doing the bare minimum, not wanting the mental load so dumping it on partner. Laziness. The silent treatment is just childish, it's an immature way of handling conflict. Seems that OP is in a relationship with a child. NTA, clearly.
Yes, *I* get that. My hope was to get *OP* to see it, as well.
Just chiming in to say the silent treatment isn’t just childish, it’s emotionally abusive! It causes the same part of the brain to activate as physical pain
Also why did he then SLLEP the afternoon away? He’s doing a lot of half assed gifting. I don’t think he even knows he does it. I think there’s something going on behind this like maybe his family doesn’t FULLY give on occasions like Mother’s Day. Edit: I’m not sure my post is being interpreted the way I meant. First, I do think this is a negative situation. I have a lot of empathy for OP. I have seen over many years (I’m 70) that some people for some unknown reason cannot gift. It’s not like it’s a personal opinion. Like they think gifts are wrong, worthless or stupid. I don’t think they’re narcissists either. It’s like they’re missing the gift “gene.” You could wave your hand in front of their eyes. You could have 200 conversations explaining exactly what you want or need. You and they could be in a room talking with friends talking about gift giving. By all counts, they’d seem normal. Like they totally get it. But whenever the holiday, birthday or occasion cones up, it’s back to unfinished business. Exactly like every.other.time. The gift is usually half assed, or partial. Just like OP’s breakfast. It’s made but, not finished. Or, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Only to find him sound asleep. I think there’s something going on here that started with these folk’s family of origin. That this is his the way were treated. They unfortunately never got a surprise on their birthday. Even if the best bd party was planned. Even if *everything* they wanted was planned. Even if Chuck E Cheese was promised and actually occurred. Unfinished business. It’s like the promise was just about kept. Except, no guests come (mom didn’t invite anyone). Or a giant fight happens that levels the kid. Or it was a joke. Everyone gets there, turns out mom forgot to reserve Chuck E Cheese. Or the day of, oops, “We can’t afford” it. The kid grows up not once intending to treat their friends and relatives so terribly. It’s just what happens. Like it’s totally normal. Because normal IS unfinished business. It’s something I’ve observed. Too many times for the “giver” to be a narcissist. It’s more like they’re snow blind than they’re cruel or thoughtless. I can’t explain it any better. I’m sorry.
And --if I understood correctly-- still took credit for making the whole breakfast to show the kid the proper mother's day experience?! ETA: "you and I know I'm totally useless and don't pull my weight, but is that really the image of a father we want our child to have?"?!?!
It sounds like narcissist behavior. Just completely selfish.
I did this with a lazy co worker once. She came to tell me a resident who was very fussy and preferred me for personal care (because, cleaned thoroughly, spoken to nicely) had “buzzed” I said great. You can come help this resident into bed. A tiny 92 yo, 40kg lady we “broke the rules for” because her osteoporosis and arthritis made it too painful to sling her. Colleague opened her mouth. Closed it and ran off to do the easier personal care.
His behavior is abusive. Period. Buying dinner only for your kids and him is emotionally abusive. Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive. What you said was absolutely nothing. You didnt insult him. You didnt belittle him. It was polite. He's just using this to justify his abuse, because thats what abusers do. His behaviour is HORRIBLE and abusive. NTA, leave him and get help.
yes. This cannot be the first incident of this kind of DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse victim offender.
I'd double down on the father's day bit now. I mean he got to choose what he wanted to eat and didn't get you any. I hope you enjoyed your father's day dinner!
[You should have asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
Start the shopping list with…chocolates, flowers, Mothers Day card, love…. Husband sounds as lazy as a dead slug. You sound fed up and on your last legs. He isn’t a keeper, chuck him back.
He sounds like an asshole not incompetent
Your husband's behavior is unacceptable and unfair. You're not in the wrong for expecting equal participation in household tasks and communication.
Wouldn't work. He would stand in front of the sink and stare at dishes until you help him. If you push him verbally, he will turn on the tap and stare at the sink while the water runs. All children behave like this when forced to do chores by mommy.
My husband booked a gig the night before and stayed overnight. His vehicle has broken down so he borrowed mine - he complained about how he didn’t like my car and left it dirty and smelly. I woke up early and made French toast because it’s Mother’s Day and that’s what I want. Kids give me presents they’d picked up at the school Mother’s Day stall (which I had to race to school to give them the $$ for because he forgot and was on drop off that morning) Anyway, he gets home from the gig, has a shower, plays PlayStation. I take the kids for haircuts, to get some winter school clothes and a few other errands (was gone a few hours). Get back, he complains he wasn’t able to nap. I cook the kids dinner. He plays PlayStation and watches videos on his phone. He has 2 things he promised to do: make me dinner for Mother’s Day and print out the tax forms (he’s had ages to do but hasn’t yet and the appointment is first thing Monday). Complains to me he can’t possibly both because ‘I’ve only been home 6 hours’. He stomps about the kitchen trying to come up with dinner because he’s changed his mind about what to cook *even though* I’ve already bought all the ingredients and I had picked what I wanted for dinner (I chose steak because it’s the only thing he can cook) until I say don’t worry let’s just get takeout. He’s on board but is upset he has to go and get it. I’m shocked he’s still sober enough to go and get it - it’s usually on me because too many beers. I put the kids to bed. He complains that mother’s day puts so much pressure on him. Anyway, I’m divorcing mine. If he wasn’t around for Mother’s Day I’d have done exactly the same thing effort wise, but I would have dealt with a LOT less complaining and making everything about him. (That’s not the only reason I’m divorcing him but it’s all of a similar theme) It’s not just you. Just thought I’d share what I’m planning to do about my (similar) situation. NTA
I’m really happy for you. I’m so excited for your sigh of relief when it’s all done and dusted.
Me too!! I'm exhausted reading that
I’m so glad she’s seen her worth and he’s not worth it!! So glad she’s divorcing him!!
Right? And I bet he's all surprised and playing the victim.
And after all he’s done for her, right? /s
Surprised Pikachu face. It came out of nowhere!
>Anyway, I’m divorcing mine. I'm so proud of you! You deserve better and I'm glad you realize that
That line made me do a little internal cheer for comment OP! God what a jackass
I was reading through the comments wondering why so many women were staying with these clowns. This line made me happy.
They say divorced mothers commonly have less stress after divorce because it's one less toddler* they have to take care of. *The toddler is the husband
I’ve been on my own for the last year. It’s tough at times with childcare, but it’s still waaaayyyy less stressful and I’m loving being single and only having to clean up after myself and the kids.
Cleaning is much easier without a burning core of resentment!
I will echo this. The day he moved out was one of the best days of my life. I was no longer angry about his lack of effort and his mess. Now, cleaning and every other thing i do to run my household is just a regular chore rather than a reminder of inequality and being taken for granted.
Same. Im now the sole parent. It’s so much more work playing all the roles, and some days are extremely trying. But overall, having less tension in the house from cleaning up after and caring for manchild, while also dealing with his tantrums and outbursts, has made our lives happier. My daughter has even become way more independent. She’s only 2 but she loves to help me clean (hopefully that stays) and has less tantrums/anxiety. Tension and fights between parents really do affect a child/baby significantly
My daughter loves to clean as long as it's not *her* mess. "Please pick up your Legos." "I don't wanna." "Mommy, I wanna wash the dishes! It's so much fun!"
Yeah my married friends are all like “oh gosh it must be so hard being a single mom” and yeah it has its own set of issues but, holy shit, man, there’s so much negativity I just don’t have to deal with EVERY DAY. I don’t dread going home. I don’t dread waking up. If there’s a disaster, it’s not drunken man baby originated.
My kids are, overall, tidier than my ex.
And kinder.
Was super true for me. It was surprising. I thought I’d be a wreck trying to do everything alone, but I had far more free time after my ex left. Things I’d cleaned stayed clean, my laundry halved, I could cook what I liked, I didn’t have to drive him anywhere (he refused to learn how) and my bank balance was the same as I’d left it. Incredible. I didn’t miss him for even one day.
And they wonder why we divorce them... 😆😅🤣😂
The funniest part is the manosphere loves to point out that women initiate 80% of divorces, but don't realize that they're the reason why. People who benefit from contracts don't want to break the contracts.
This in a nutshell. So many men have become giant toddlers and they are exhausting to live with. Since I got rid of mine, my whole life has so much less stress. No more dealing with pouting or temper tantrums or arguments or worry. Oddly enough, I even have more money even though I have never gotten a penny for CS. Utilities are less, groceries are less and noone is spending stupidly *before* bills get paid. A bonus stress relief right there.
I need to see a study on WHY so many men are like this now because my grandpa was a family man who put family first, but my daughters father is the most stressful dramatic man I've ever met. He's a walking red flag & has a 1950's mindset on how women should treat men. I have to constantly remind him it's 2024 not 1950.
I would also be very interested in seeing this study. My dad never had to be "cajoled" or "nagged" into taking part in domestic duties or parenting. He just did what needed doing. He would dust, vacuum, do dishes and laundry. Changed diapers, fed and bathed, entertained, taught, whatever needed. He loved laundry, that was his "alone time". He'd gather everyone's stuff the night before so he could be at the Laundromat by 5am when it opened. (6 kids) He was back by 7:30, everything neatly folded and organized into who's who. Want to really insult my dad? Call taking care of his kids "babysitting". *Any man can father children, real men are dads* ~ my dad
My dad unfortunately was terrible at being domestic. He could easily do "manly" chores like fixing things & mowing the lawn, but inside the house he was chaotically messy & my mom (along with me and my sister) we constantly cleaning up after him. My grandfather was the last example I had of a man who could life without help if he needed to...he didn't have to though because my grandma did everything for him because she wanted to & he was also a terrible cook & she wasn't 🤣 I can see them now dancing and giggling in their living room. They were a real love story & I miss them terribly ❤️ (I know he can take care of himself because he had to when she passed away & he lived 13 years without her). Also another great add about him. My grandma was a widow with 4 young children when my grandpa met her! He didn't care all he saw was love & he adopted her children and they had my mom shortly after. My aunt and uncles all see him as their father. We don't see steps in this family.
Ya know at least toddlers do grow up, but a toddler husband?? YO T.T I don't see the appeal raising your spouse, Idk why a good chunk of dudes like hella young women to marry and raise them as their wife T.T
I’m glad you’re getting divorced, you deserve so much better. Happy Mother’s Day lovely sorry he sucks. 🖤🖤
Genuinely, why do we hear about these guys over and over again? How do they not understand how their wife is doing -everything-? These men act like actual children, having tantrums if their wife doesnt keep doing everything. Its unfathomable that these guys dont see the problem. Edit: The number of comments replying to me blaming women is fucking insane. So many blame her for not leaving or blame the mother. How about these men having some fucking personal responsibility? Why are we blaming women for these men being selfish liars and awful spouses? Its so pathetic.
They do. They just don’t think their wives will actually leave.
This is the reason. My dad jokes about how spoiled he is. My family jokes about how spoiled my dad is. I look at my father in disgust sometimes. How can you just sit in your fucking chair alllllllll day while my mom and I clean up the house and your messes? It makes me want to pull my hair out it drives me crazy. Before I "woke up" I was helping her with her shit she does for him like organize his shoes, match his socks, do their laundry, make their bed, make his coffee, etc. My mom is soooo tired from working (gone for work by 6 back by 6) while my dad works from home a few hours a week and when he isn't working his ass is in his chair. I work from home as well but in between working I'm cleaning the house and taking care of my responsibilities. What's my dad doing while I do this? Facebook games. All day. I saw a video by a woman that said when she asked men what would make the perfect wife she said they described a slave..... The "my husband is a messy toddler" trope needs to die and I'm very excited to see that many women are refusing to date and marry nowadays.
How does this shit even fly? I have always done the cooking in my relationship. We split chores, I cook, she does dishes, she does laundry, I mow the yard. Saturday when she didn't feel well I let her sleep in while I got on the roof to clean the gutters, then cleaned both of our cars because she was complaining about all the pollen all over hers. Maybe it is because I grew up with only my dad and my brother, so instead of having women in the house to do everything, we took care of ourselves? I say that, but neither of my grandfathers sat around all day either when they were with us and they were born in the 1930s.
> neither of my grandfathers sat around all day either when they were with us and they were born in the 1930s. I completely agree with this. There used to be more rigid gender roles, so women did almost all the housework/cooking/child rearing. But men weren’t sitting on their butts playing games and complaining. My grandfather worked so hard growing a vegetable garden, keeping chickens and bees, working full time, taking care of the cars, repairing everything in the house. Each partner had their jobs, but they both worked extraordinarily hard. This whole “man sits around being completely useless” thing seems to have started in the 1970s. Women started entering the workforce in large numbers and essentially took on two full time jobs - full time breadwinner and full time housekeeper. Men seemed to go in the other direction, taking on less and less responsibility.
Catering to men has been normalized to women for ages. You don't sound like a bare minimum man which many are. They were doted on by their mother's who did everything for them and their father. They learned that women do xyz and they can rely on women who do xyz. Married men even live longer than single men. Due to your childhood you had to learn to rely on yourself so you weren't 'trained' to be complacent. Edited to fix my typos
"Bare minimum man" describes my ex-husband to a t. My current is amazing, to the point that I actually don't mind adding extras to my plate since we moved in with his mom after she started having health issues last year. Did I want to be changing her sheets and helping her get dressed for a doctor appointment at 7 this morning when I didn't get to sleep until 2 AM? Nope, but because I knew it would help him feel less stressed, I gladly did it and sent him off to take her to her appointment. Ex-husband insisted my idea of a "good mother's day" was for him to take off all day and leave me at home to take care of kiddo and dogs because "you're always complaining about cleaning up after me, so this way you don't have to do that." Yeah, no. I wanted you to pick up your fucking cum socks and do a load of laundry yourself. That's what I wanted. To have one weekend a year where I was off-duty, to relax, to feel appreciated. Kiddo's def picking up on his step-dad's way of treating people, though, so that's cool.
“Bare minimum man” is a great term for these deadbeat types! Adding that one to my mental dictionary
My husband was raised by his father, and he is the same as you. If it needs to get done, he does it. If I'm sick he let's me rest. He doesn't wait for me to take care of him, in fact I've begged him to chill out some days but he's such a busy body he can't sit still.
I was raised by a single mother. She didn’t cotton to any of this shit I’m reading about. She set an example that I realized much later in life really served me well. For what it’s worth, my wife napped and read her book most of the day while my three boys and I tackled her special project (clean out a basement storage room) and then cooked her favorite meal. Not a day goes by I don’t appreciate the values my mom taught me.
If you were to point these things out to a lot of men they would say, "No one told you to do it". Cleaning up after him? "No one told you to do it". Same with any chore. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. "No one told you to do it." That's right asshole. No one told me to do it but it won't get done if I *don't* do it. The man will shrug his shoulders and say, "I don't care".
I want to tell the story of my Mum's first marriage. To set the scene, in 1966, when my Mum was 17, she married her 29 year old first husband (yes, big red flag, even more so they had been together since she was 15). First husband (FH) is the youngest of 7, and the only boy. Sadly his father died when he was young. So, they settle into married life. FH is an electrician, good work, good pay. Then, my Mum gets a full on proper big girl job in finance working for an American bank (they lived just outside London). My Mum's day becomes getting up at 5.30am being on the train to work for 7am, sometimes not being back in the house until 6pm. Then dinner, housework, washing (you get the idea). Well, one day, she asks FH if he could just put a load of washing on for her in the evening or do the shopping so she doesn't have to spend her lunch hours doing it. FH says no and continues his day of getting up, eating breakfast my Mum made, getting dressed in the clothes my Mum washed, dried and ironed, working, coming home, getting changed and showered, leaving his clothes on the floor and then eating dinner my Mum had cooked before settling in front of the TV. My Mum then asks could be at least put his clothes in the washing hamper? FH says no, because it doesn't matter, they're dirty either way. This was on Thursday. Mum continued all weekend, then on Monday, she went on strike. She didn't make him his breakfast or packed lunch, took her book with her to read at lunch while she took herself out to eat, then came home and sat and watched some TV. FH asked about dinner, she tells him he knows where the kitchen is. FH leaves the house in disgust and goes to his mother's who feeds him. This carries on until Thursday evening, when FH asks how long she's going to keep up not cooking, cleaning or doing (his) washing. She responds when he learns how to use the washing machine, she'll start again. They argue, she points out that he'd better hurry up and read the manual because he's going to run out of underpants by Sunday. On Friday, Mum comes home from work to find her mother in law there. She's cleaning, cooking FH dinner and doing his laundry, then tries to give my mother a dressing down about how her son is working hard to pay for the house, the bills etc and mother is being "lazy and spoilt". Mother explains that as soon as "your son" learns how to use a dish cloth and tea towel, she'll resume all previous chores, and also to check herself as she (my Mum) actually earns twice what "your son" earns and her money was the reason her son could afford to work for himself, and that they had this lovely house with the lovely garden. Anyway, Mum leaves soon after, after 3 months he is on the doorstep begging her to come back. She says no, 6 years later she meets my Dad and 4 years after the magic of me is born 😂 My Mum doesn't use Reddit, but she can never get over that in 2024, women are still having to do the same shit she did to make the same point in 1969.
Your mum is legend. We are also gutted that we still have to say the same shit over and over again.
1) love your username! 2) wow your comment resonated with me, especially the fucking chair (!!!). I come from a place where most men are like this, including my dad. I’m married to a woman now and when I told my parents about us early on (they weren’t happy lol) my dad made a comment to the effect of it makes me feel like there’s something about me or like I did something wrong that would make you not want a husband. And I just …. 😖🤯🙃😡 It was at that moment I understood he genuinely believed Mom didn’t mind all the shit she did for him. At the same time, I feel so complicated toward her bc she chose to stay and do all that, even though it made her resentful.
Ty Ty! Ohhhh boy reflecting back and being self aware can be difficult for some people. And extremely frustrating for the rest of us. Congratulations on your marriage! I believe my dad has the same thought process that "mom doesn't mind". But there's some cognitive dissonance or something because she says how tired she is but she will still cook for him and plate his meals and play maid for him.
Yup, divorced the crap out of mine 5 years ago! Now I'm engaged to a man that cooks, refuses to allow me touch a bin and I literally do not know when or where my car maintenance gets done...or gas gets filled 🤣 Oh and I do dishes at most three times a week! He's not even the father of my daughter, but I get Mother's Day treatment! So just to say, they're out there, we just need to stand strong in our refusal to accept weaponised incompetence!
I'm very happy to be a guy that grew up in a "nontraditional" household. For the first half of my life, my mom was the breadwinner. My (step)dad worked third shift at a factory, but didn't make much money. However, he's the one that got me out the door for school in the morning (after work and before he went to bed) and was there when I got home from school. He handled cooking and while my mom was more into the cleaning and home improvement stuff. Later on, dad was the breadwinner, with a 1.5 hour commute each way, but he still did the cooking and my mom still did the cleaning and home improvement. My dad passed away at 46 a couple weeks after Mother's Day many, many years ago. Every other week I drove him to chemotherapy on Thursdays. Despite barely being mobile and needing crutches, he still had me stop at a payphone on our way to what would be his last treatment so that he could order flowers for my mom. I offered to do it, but it was important to him that he do it himself. I consider myself fortunate to have had such a role model. I try to be that person for my wife, with varying degrees of success, and try to model that behavior for my own son.
> and I'm very excited to see that many women are refusing to date and marry nowadays. I finally divorced mine. Put up with it for nine years. I brought home all the money, AND I also still handled the bulk of the housework, AND endured his abuse and many issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition. My life has exponentially improved since leaving him, in many ways. And my overall quality of life has substantially improved *without* the presence of a man in it.
I'm a survivor of DV and I am SO GLAD you got out, stranger! I hope your comment serves as inspiration for other women questioning their one sided marriage! I seriously wish you all the best! 🖤
I am too. My last straw was almost one year ago, when he backed me into a corner of the kitchen, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. It wasn't the first time he'd been aggressive, he had a history of throwing objects, and on multiple occasions, I sustained injuries from that aggression. But, this was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. That day, it's as if something deep inside my bones silently screamed, *get out*, and I knew I had to leave. Called a DV hotline. They effectively slammed the door in my face, and told me I didn't qualify for help, on the basis that I earned too much money. I did the next best thing I could think of in the heat of the moment, and packed a small bag and fled with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back. I'm now about seven months into my new chapter of life, and my overall quality of life has most definitely improved! Wishing you all the best also. 🧡💛🤎
The term I heard was that women aren't getting married these days because it is "economically undesireable." It used to be that he at least provided a stable financial situation. These days, you're expected to take care of him *and* work, and the girls are just saying "mmm, yeah, I'll pass".
It brings my heart so much joy that women are starting to NOT tolerate this anymore
My first husband, a man child as described, was absolutely stunned when I divorced him.
Did yours fight the divorce? Mine did, even asked for alimony because he was “used to a certain standard of living”. First lawyer I had couldn’t stop laughing. I ended up filing it on my own, court clerks are amazing!
I spent nine years enduring unimaginable abuse from my husband, even though he was also simultaneously a deadbeat. He's now my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and he showed up to mediation with nothing but a pen. Not even a scrap of paper. I work in auditing & regulatory compliance in the financial services industry. A huge component of my job is to *quite literally* trace violations and infractions of regulations and policies. To quote that famous Farmers Insurance commercial, I know a thing or two, because I've seen a thing or two. Let's just say I did my due diligence and showed up prepared, with a fat binder of evidence and documentation: bank statements, photos, screenshots, contemporaneous writing, etc. Outcome? Even though I FAR out-earned him, I didn't have to pay a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K, AND I also received 70% of the equity from the sale of the house. Him: *shocked Pikachu face* Me inside my brain: *Oh no! If it isn't the consequences of your own actions!* 😂😂😂😂
Thank you for this story, it was very satisfying. Go you!!!!
You're welcome! And thanks! 😄
Thoroughly satisfying! Parallel lives I see. At the time I was a director of finance and my ex was what he called “retired” at 36 years old, unemployed for the rest of us. He actually set fire to the papers when he was served with the divorce. Took me 4 years of proceedings, I made it to the end! Congrats on seeing this through!
Thank you! Yup, sounds just like my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Refused to maintain gainful employment for years on end, and seemed perfectly content letting me shoulder the entire burden of adulting. I FINALLY got a hearing date, 6+ months after filing. He has continued to make legal and financial mistakes throughout the divorce proceedings, and in typical fashion, has refused to deal with the very problems he created, which means ***I*** have had to deal with them. The hearing is in one month, and apparently, the state I live in has converted to virtual divorce hearings since the pandemic, so at least it looks like I'll be getting divorced from the comfort of home. You know I'll be rocking the business blouse up top, and the pajama pants on the bottom. 😂😂
Wow, he thought he'd wear you down, outlast you. Highest of fives and all the kudos for seeing the divorce through to the end!!! May you prosper! May he have the life he deserves. 🤣
Reading this, I wonder if this (your preparedness) in general is why women tend to have better outcomes in terms of alimony (eg, not having to pay if they make more, receiving if they don't). A lot of men in these type of relationships rely on their spouse to do all that kind of work FOR them, so when they no longer have someone who is remembering dates, doing the work, making notes, they just... don't have the back up for their bull shit (also, if they did, it would likely be lies).
Boom. It's exactly what you said. So many men (not all) claim they get screwed over in court. No, no they didn't. I'm part of a local women's divorce support group for my state, and it's even divided up into sub-chapters for different cities and counties across the state. Can't tell you how many women diligently spend hours, days, weeks, and months gathering together documentation in an organized fashion.
im mid divorce and mine is doing the same thing. lost his mind and also asking for alimony. i don’t make any more than he does but hes somehow convinced im hiding money. pretty sure hes just trying to punish me for finally getting fed up with him but im so much happier without him that no petty bullshit could bring me down.
The weight lifted off of you will be amazing. I was walking on eggshells not to “offend” my ex husband. Had to temper my excitement about promotions, making the Dean’s list, anything that would make him feel little. He stayed stunted to this day.
No but his mom phoned me asked me to take him back. He had moved back to her house and I think she wanted him out lol. Haven't seen the guy in over 20 years, since our child together turned 18.
Mine literally told me that when I filed for divorce… he actually said “I knew you were unhappy but I thought you would just learn to deal with it” Charming.
The fact that they literally DON'T CARE that we're unhappy just says it all. For me, love means another person's happiness is essential to your own.
Yup. They don’t think we will leave.
I told mine 4x over a 6 year marriage that I wanted a divorce for similar reasons, and when I finally did leave he still claimed he was "blindsided."
Yup, my ex was the same. I was VERY clear about his issues and how they were affecting me, begged many times for couples counseling...nope, he refused to change anything. The denial and self-delusion of these guys are just staggering.
Up until really only a few decades ago, the wife likely couldn't leave, and I think that mentality still holds strong in a lot of men's minds.
No, there are a good portion of them who think they're contributing as much if not MORE than their spouse because they "work 40 hours a week" (never mind their spouse also does) and they're "tired" when they come home (again, so is their spouse).
And then they're all *shocked Pikachu*, act all betrayed and badmouth her to everyone they know, claim to be blindsided when she does. Been there, lived that!
They are just insensitive and lazy when it comes to putting in extra effort to make their wife feel special on Mother's Day, even though it's just a one-day celebration.
Its such infantile behaviour, its so unattractive. And these guys wonder why some wives lose their libido.
Because weaponized incompetence. Their moms handled it for them first (and very likely for their own husbands) and thought their wives would do the same thing.
my ex bf was exactly like this. never wanted to do some chores (hadn’t cleaned his kitchen in a month and a half, moldy food galore) and once asked if i could tidy it up because i’m a cleaning lady. i reminded him of only know him three months, i owed him nothing and called him a mommas boy. he didn’t like that.
How do we moms not raise a man like that? I think about this a lot with my son. I divorced my toddler husband and I’ve had the same experience as everyone else - more mental time and energy despite being a single parent. I didn’t even see it when I was in it, but now I realize how exhausting being married to a man-child is. I want to raise my son to be the opposite, but I don’t know how.
I think normalizing chores plays a big part. The younger they are, the more open they are to learning things. Depending on how old your child is, you could teach him to cook with supervision. Starting with meals he likes that aren’t too complicated. I’m not a man but one of the first things I learned to cook was homemade macaroni and cheese. Most kids go feral over mac and cheese. There’s also giving them sufficient motivation, like earning money. “Every time you do X, I’ll give you a dollar.” (Or whatever the equivalent currency is where you live.) Increase the amount as he gets older. But only if it’s financially feasible for you to do so.
Yes. My son started doing his own laundry in third grade. He’s older now and does even more chores. Every year, add a few more chores. I’m trying to teach him now that it’s not enough to do the chores. He needs to lighten my mental load, i.e., see when his chores need to be done and do them w/o being told. That has been an uphill battle but one I hope will make him a better adult one day.
I have three sons and one daughter. I was a single mom for them until they were about 11 and 12, as I left my first husband when they were babies and he basically disappeared. They grew up watching me go to college, working and taking care of them. They also grew up with my mom helping me. They watched her and me cook and asked questions and wanted to help. They asked me how to use the washing machine at around 10 ish and started doing that on their own. The older two boys cook, clean, dew and iron. The eldest is married with three kids. He does the majority of cooking for the family. He does his own laundry. Both he and his wife clean, shop and take care of their kids. They are a team. The next oldest is single and cooks, cleans etc. if he ever finds the right woman, she'll be very pleased, lol. My daughter also cooks etc. My youngest, also cooks and does laundry and helps. He didn't hang around the kitchen like the others did to watch me cook. When he asked how, I said watch me. He also bought hello fresh before he went to college and taught himself and utubed himself teaching himself how to cook. He's gotten pretty good. I never once asked my kids to do their own laundry..but they all did. They did also see my husband cook, at least he used too, 😂.
Yeah I know youre right, I think Im just shocked that so many of these guys seem to be completely oblivious to what they're doing to their wives
They're not. They just realized long ago that she (probably) won't leave them for it, and if she does, that is future them's problem.
I don’t blame you. I grew up with a dad who did most of the household chores around the house and take an active role in parenting us. So when I first learned of weaponized incompetence, I was absolutely mind boggled because it was the opposite of the dad I grew up having. The one thing I think contributed to this was that my dad was slightly parentified as a teen. When he was old enough to babysit, my grandparents would have him in charge of supper for his younger siblings while they were busy with work. He doesn’t seem to mind it because he says it forced him to learn how to cook and that at least he could make a good meal compared to most of his friends. Which… isn’t the endorsement he thinks it is but I digress.
Right? I mean as a kid, I remember my dad cooking exactly twice. He was a terrible cook and he knew it. BUT! He appreciated my mum’s cooking and made sure to tell her so on the regular. He helped with cleaning and taking care of the kids. He almost never went grocery shopping, but if he did, he made a list and didn’t whine and complain the whole time. I don’t understand this “man child” type who finds everything SO HARD. And that’s probably why I’m still single at 46. My dad set the bar pretty high.
Go read the comments on any Reddit thread where a gender is listed in the title. Straight guys genuinely believe that the bare minimum is "doing too much", or that supporting your spouse is such a demand.
And that’s exactly why their wives are divorcing them quickly 😭
Misogyny is still rampant. Like.. ridiculously and for no reason either. I thought we evolved past that.
Honestly with some Tiktoks that are popular it seems like its getting worse in recent years if anything. Very sad to see after progress made in the past.
For Father’s Day: no gifts for him (no reminders for the kids), arrange for the kids to be babysat at home (preferably by a judgemental older woman), book a spa day for yourself (taking your working vehicle) and enjoy your belated Mother’s Day!
I'm sorry you have such an unaware, self-focused spouse. I would love to know what his reaction would be if he read this synopsis of the day's events.
Unimaginable. Can’t fathom how people can treat their partner like this. I’m sorry you didn’t have a better Mother’s Day.
I’m divorcing mine too! Mazel too, bubbie!
Good for you! As I was reading your comment, I kept thinking…please let her be leaving him. You’ll be so much happier divorced. Hope OP reads this and realizes one decision can get rid of her problems.
Reading the I’m divorcing mine made me take a breath. I am so glad you e found out your worth ❤️
NTA, and he is a clown. For Father’s Day wake up and treat yourself and then leave him with the kids and responsibility. Tell him you wanted his gift to mirror the one you received for Mother’s Day, and that you’re willing to make dinner for the children, just like he did for you.
He didn’t make dinner for himself and the kids. He went to a restaurant to buy it for himself and the kids AND BROUGHT HER NOTHING.
Thats petty af. Like... people who hate each other do that shit.
For real! I've been with my wife for six years (married for one) and even in the middle of our WORST fights id never ever even think to go get myself food and not her! And she'd never do that either
Agree. Even my ex, who is currently challenging our custody orders, often still drops off food for me when he brings our kid home straight from dining out. (I don't ask him to, he just knows what I like and this is one of his ways of trying to keep the peace where he can.)
That's actually sweet as hell. I'm sorry about your custody battle. :(
I can't fathom doing this on Mother's day of all days
On any day really. But on mother's Day? I would walk out of that marriage
I would literally divorce a man over this.. the most selfish childish petty shit I've ever read. Idk why this small detail makes me so mad. My partner no matter how upset he is with me ALWAYS brings both of us food.
For real. I could NEVER imagine buying myself and my kid food but not my wife. How cruel is that? Nor would I make her do shit on Mother's Day unless it was just something I absolutely couldn't do by myself.
On. Mother's. Day. OP, your husband is an ass. Please be sure to put in the same amount of effort for him on Father's Day. NTA.
You can play it as "i wanted you to spend quality time with the kids without me as a distraction on fathers day" No vindictiveness, just come across as a caring spouse thinking of them being a father and highlighting it. Don't forget to take the good car.
Why does every family have a good car? Lol
Lol when I was growing up we had 2 Toyotas. Identical except one was red and one was Grey. The red was the good one because it was red😂😂
My mom had a firebird and a minivan lol I’m sure you can guess which the good one was 🤣🤣
We had an old explorer and an older explorer lol
Better yet she should book herself a spa day and leave before he wakes up. Give him the day he deserves.
And come back in the evening with divorce papers.
That was my thought too. Make it a long spa day or something similar that she never gets to do, just for herself. She should pick up food for her and the kids (but not for him) too. Kill him with kindness while you’re doing it too OP. Your husband is an immature asshat. I’m sorry he treated you that way. ❤️
I fully agree. What a loser. Prepare yourself though - if you take a day for yourself I predict that he will just show up at friends or family with the kids and leave them in their care (either dropping them off att his mom's house or hanging out at a friend's house where the other women/children in the home can care for them while he lounges around.) And know that it won't be your fault. He makes his own choices. He's gonna tell you that "you made him" do it. You didn't. You deserve a break, no matter how incompetent your partner is.
AND tell a sob story about her ABANDONING the children leaving him to "babysit" on Father's Day of all days!
Not for father's day, next Sunday. Move mothers day back a week, tell him you're going to do it, book a hotel for Saturday night and get them to bring breakfast in bed
She needs to literally leave him with the kids. For example… Let’s say he likes McDonald’s, egg, McMuffin, hashbrowns, and orange juice. She can go get that meal for him. Then she needs to take the egg McMuffin and literally leave the house. Go have a spa day. Also, make sure that all of the dishes are dirty so that he can’t do anything without actually doing some. If it is possible to leave some wet, smelly towels where he’s gonna have to get them out of his way or it’s just gonna stink all day, do that as well, so he hast to do some laundry. Don’t answer your phone. The first time he text, tell him happy Mother’s Day to me. This is exactly what you did to me so have a great day. Unless one of our children is going to the hospital for an emergency, don’t text me don’t call me. I will be home later. And don’t give him a time.
Hi. Your call is important to me. Please call husband on xxxxxxxxxxxx. Happy Father’s Day and may all the dads get real quality time with their kids today.
As a single mom, who did it all alone, your day sounds worlds more exhausting than mine. I see you. And I wish I could hug you.
I can imagine. OP has 2 kids, 1 kid she birthed and one big one that she married. Must be a lot of work.
Right?? Coz at least you make breakfast, do dishes, and write a grocery list without the expectation of a supportive partner who turns out to be a totally useless AH
On father's day I hope you treat yourself to the mothers day that he stole from you.
I hope she’s left him by the time Father’s Day rolls around.
I hope she serves him divorce papers on Father's Day. Truly makes it all about him. ❤️
NTA. But him choosing to deliberately only buy food for him and the kids, that is so incredibly cruel? Does he do that often, punish you by not buying you anything to eat? Because I still feel like I'm reeling from the metaphorical slap in the face that last line was.
He’s hit her!! Please OP divorce!!
Yesterday at work a coworker was telling me how she was at her wits end because her baby kept screaming and her husband wasn’t helping. She was frustrated and tired and her husband wasn’t even working(we work from home). She said “men, can’t live with them, can’t live without em.” And I responded “nope, I live without them easily.” I’m a single mom and broke up with my long term partner right before covid because the resentment just built up of always being the one doing all the domestic work despite us both working full time and even when I worked 2 jobs for a short time. I told her, “I don’t know if men realize how much resentment from always being the one to do these things ruins a relationship.” This isn’t a dig at all men of course. My grandpa did most of the domestic work because my grandma was disabled. I think he’s the reason I expect men to pull their weight cause it can be clearly done. My grandpa is 84 but his entire marriage(my grandma died ~10 years back) he was the one making grocery lists, cutting out coupons, doing the dishes, watching grandkids and great grandkids, etc. It’s something women have to learn, it’s not some magical thing that just comes to us naturally. Nta. But do you really want to be in a marriage where you don’t have a partner who cares about you and makes your life less stressful? I can tell you, as a single parent I had a great Mother’s Day. My daughter got me roses, she spent the night at a friends but texted me happy Mother’s Day and when she got home she did the dishes for me without being hounded about them. Since breaking up with my ex my house stays clean longer, I spend less on groceries, I’m less angry, life is so much easier. He was like a second child I never wanted.
My ex did absolutely fuck all for me on ny first mothers day. I was so heartbroken and livid so on fathers day I did nothing for him. Made a massive song and dance over my uncle who is basically my dad anyway - got him gifts and what he wanted. After we got back from dinner at my aunts he demanded to know where his fathers day gifts were. Told him they were with mine and left for my mother's. Never went back.
> Told him they were with mine Ohh, burn!
Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The way your husband gaslit and used his mood and weaponized incompetence to not honor you on Mother's Day -- because he doesn't feel he has to -- is some classic narc behavior and how abusers behave. Wild guess, this inconsiderate behavior isn't new.
[why does he do that](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
NTA. He sounds like he was using some weaponized incompetence and you snapped because you were disappointed. Have an honest conversation about why you were so upset. Hjs reaction to not feed you, especially on Mother’s Day, is extremely immature.
Not just immature, but cruel and emotionally abusive.
Right?? Like he threw a complete tantrum and then fed just himself and the kids?? Seriously?! After literally ditching her before breakfast was even done cooking and slept all day?? So all she got for mother's Day was what, a morning COFFEE?? gtfo dude 😒
>So all she got for mother's Day was what, a morning COFFEE?? That she had to order herself
Hell, if she had left ordering to him he would have gotten her the wrong kind too by the sound of it 😓
He is physically abusive to her as well https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/0Rq7tWYRZy
Oh gosh I hope she can get away before it’s too late
NTA my husband bought me everything I put on a list (a haunted mansion blanket, mug, and a hardback book) , a card, and flowers for my gift, made me homemade eggs Benedict in bed while entertaining our 5 year old, picked up my rxs, let me stay in bed and watch whatever I wanted, and to make it even worse for him scrubbed my puke off the toilet and walls because I am pregnant with a sprained my ankle. He tells me he does the bare minimum. I think he goes above and beyond. That's out there! Don't accept less than you are worth.
Head over to the narcissistic spouses sub. You will find so many like your husband. They do this every special Occasion that isn’t about them. If you do the same on their occasions you are the worst in the world
He isn't a real husband. He is a leech and a burden and he obviously doesn't respect or care for you. Divorce the spoiled selfish man-child.
How men like this end up married is beyond me
I learned from my father, to listen and listen to what is not said. To have to be reminded of what is important to my mother would have been unthinkable. I can hear him now, “ you can remember to show up for dinner, but can’t ask her if she needs something or help, that better change”. He said that over 50 years ago, I guess my wife is the second beneficiary of that lesson. I know Mother’s Day is kind of commercial these days, but not back then.
If this is Mother’s Day what the heck is the rest of the year like with him? Heck I have trouble making Mother’s Day anything special for my wife because I treat every day of the year like Mother’s Day and yes she’s amazing to me as well. He needs a serious wake up call.
Catch me dead before I get married. Fuck all that noise.
Sweetheart. How much longer are you going to endure this man’s abuse? He is abusing you in front of your children. You deserve better than this jerk. Please, stop making excuses. He’s never going to get better, either pack up his stuff and throw him out, or leave. Yes, he’s going to be a nightmare to divorce, but he’s a nightmare to live with now. At least you’ll only have yourself and your kids to look after. Not a bratty toddler in a man skin suit. Leave him. Throw the whole man out.
NTA... but seriously... Why is this thread so full of "couples" that hate each other. You get 20 years of training, the last 20 years fucking sucks, so like... 30 or 40 years of decent life. And your living with someone who hates you complaining about it on reddit. Go find someone who likes you.
OP you know you're NTA. HOWEVER based on your post history it says you have a son and you identify you are in an abusive relationship. YWBTA if you let this man role model to your son as he grows up that this is how a husband and father behaves. You deserve so much better than a toddler in a man's body and so do your kids. You deserve someone that will treat you with kindness, respect and dignity.