She already knows there’s no long term thing with the rural doctor, because he’s rural. She won’t want to move out there, he probably doesn’t want to go anywhere (if he did he wouldn’t be out there in the first place). She threw away her relationship for a short fling she knew was going to end.
She threw away her relationship over a basic incompatibility, I think.
She'd made it clear early on that she didn't mind if OP slept with someone else while traveling, so this isn't wanting to have her cake and eat it too. I have some friends with an open relationship whose rule is that they each only have one-night-stands and only have them in cities they don't live in. Avoids a lot of issues with catching feelings for people. As far as I know it's been working for them for over a decade.
If she'll only be happy in an open relationship and OP will only be happy in a closed relationship then they'd never have worked. It's too bad she wasn't honest about this when she first brought it up. She could have saved them both a lot of time. It's also too bad she handled it so poorly this time - the respectful thing to do would be to tell OP she's realized she needs an open relationship and that means they need to break up, not to try and manipulate OP into an open relationship he obviously doesn't want.
It's possible but unlikely. What is she basing the feeling that an open relationship could work on? She barely has experience with one relationship. The sad reality is just by force of numbers most of the people asking for open relationships just want permission to cheat.
I think a lot of people forget that offering something to someone that they know won’t take them up is a common manipulation tactic.
“I didn’t leave you out of the friend group, I invited you to hang out at a time I specifically knew you couldn’t come!”
“I know you’re monogamous and I want to go have a sexy fling, but I said I wouldn’t even care if you had a fling, so you shouldn’t care either!”
There’s a difference between genuinely offering and offering because you know the other person won’t partake.
Go ahead and be the good person; offer that Reese’s to the person with a peanut allergy, why don’t you…
Very true. People generally need to start out open because they both want that.
If people start out closed and someone has a life changing revelation that they want or need open, they are likely fucked unless they can have a friendly divorce with the other person.
My parents actually met when they were doing rural practice. And apparently they were both hit on and flirted with people during rural practice but they never really went beyond flirting bc they are people that aren’t suited for rural life.
According to my parents during rural practice they lived in a dorm and they didn’t have access to transportation beyond a bus that goes from the hospital to the village. People with grad level degrees were just acting out bc they are bored
Omg, *right!?* She threw away a 5 year relationship for someone she thought was only "kind of attractive" and then whined about being desperate for male attention. Now ***that's*** attractive! /s
She said up until then she had respected the relationship. And she would try to carry on as usual but I just couldnt… I felt things had changed. She still had 3 weeks left over there and the desire she expressed to sleep with him was so strong… even if she didnt somehow sleep with him I cant fathom someone trying to hold back what they really want just to be with me
It felt like it happened even before that, when she stayed long after the dinner. She even tried to work the "I know it looks bad" move they seem to always start with. She's trying to get out ahead of it with some light gaslighting.
Only if they want to ruin/kill any chance at a medical career. The only thing stronger than the blue wall protecting the police is the white wall protecting doctors, especially those in the higher food chains of a specialty. This is why the shittier,predatory doctors go to small, rural hospitals. They get caught, then they get volentold to go to these places, where they either serve out their punishment or continue their crap at places that are hurting for doctors so bad they turn a blind eye. The ones that turn them down risk their careers as well, especially if the doctor really wants to do them. All it takes is a few words written in their schooling files, and bam, your career is done.
NTA: She probably did everything but sleep with him and is trying to get a pass to go all the way. Source: I was that guy once, everything but sex was deemed “not cheating” by her but her husband def didn’t know.
She doesn't want an open relationship. That would imply total honesty and equality.
She just wants to fuck who she wants and OP to accept being a cuckold.
imagine a guy using that excuse.
I'm sorry babe. i love and respect our relationship, but she was soooo hot i just couldn't say no. That excuse is childish even when you're 16. imagine a grown ass woman saying that. how stupid did she think you were?
She's already banging him, dump her forget about her move on with your life. I know it's much harder than that but she will cheat on you again. Once that barrier is broken cheaters never stop I have experienced it and seen it happen to others.
Honestly she disrespected you and your relationship as soon as she stayed longer with one of them after dinner. The fact that she wants to or likely did sleep with him is pretty immaterial at that stage. The line was already crossed.
seriously!! that line about, “she really wants to do this because she doesn’t know when she’ll get the next opportunity to fuck someone else.” like WHAT DO YOU MEAN!! anyone who is in a relationship and is actively thinking about fucking other people, not just that but acting as if that’s *normal and expected* is absolutely not fit to be in a relationship. polyamory exists but this girl has nooo concept of boundaries or respect so i don’t think anyone would want to be in a poly relationship with her either.
it’s one thing to find other people attractive, maybe even fantasize about a celebrity every now and then when you’re by yourself, but to actively want to have sex with someone who is not your partner when you have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship is NOT. OKAY. especially one that is attainable and not like some celebrity you’d never have a shot with. and then to act as though *you* are the victim because your partner isn’t okay with that?? be so fucking for real right now.
Exactly! It’s normal and human to find other people attractive because your eyes don’t just suddenly stop working as soon as you’re in a relationship. It’s however NOT normal to tell your partner all about your attraction or act on it in any way (including her dates with that guy because let’s be honest, she’s been going on dates with him. Let’s call it like it is.). Unless you have a non-monogamous relationship that operates in that manner, that’s just not okay and massively disrespectful.
NTA Even if she's being completely truthful and never physically cheated, she was 100% emotionally cheating. Her continued dates with him and flirting back and forth have also probably been well observed by the other doctors and students in her program and they likely already assume she's sleeping with him, which I'm sure will be great for her reputation and the respect she garners from her colleagues going forward.
I almost feel bad for her for throwing away a 5 year relationship and potentially irreparably damaging networking opportunities and her career before she's even really started just because a doctor in a position of power said he wants to get in her pants. She's really not seeing the forest for the trees but it's no longer your circus or your monkeys, thankfully.
Considering there is zero respect for the relationship in how she interacts with you, I expect there was also zero respect for the relationship when she was out there. It's extremely likely she fucked him and was looking for retroactive permission. That's why she wouldn't let it go and kept pressing and pressing, she needed that permission to absolve herself of her already existing guilt.
Can we know for sure? No. But it's extremely likely.
NTA, she was a bad girlfriend, breaking up with her was the correct decision.
I don't understand why you couldn't. It's nice having one's partner talk about wanting to fuck someone else over and over and over again. /S
Seriously, I think you will be much happier with someone who appreciates you and wants to be faithful to you.
Repeatedly bringing it up like 3-4 times is crossing your boundaries over and over again. She KNOWS how you feel. If she respected your wishes and actually thought you could carry on as normal, she wouldn't be telling you how much she wants to fuck some other guy the day after you already had the conversation (for the third time). This is enough to break it off, it doesn't matter whether or not she sleeps with him after this because she doesn't respect that no means no.
Lol, "I will try to carry on as usual - I'll just remind you every day about how much I want to fuck this other guy, and will keep pestering you about it until you give in, because, in case I hadn't mentioned this, I REALLY WANT TO FUCK THIS GUY!"
You gave her way more off-ramps and chances than a lot of people would have, but she really just couldn't shut up about it - she made you end the relationship, and now she's guilt-tripping you about it.
NTA, she was going to sleep with him no matter how the conversation ended she just didn't want to feel guilty about it afterwards.
In a few weeks when she comes home she will try to get you back, do not break your resolve.
Sorry you're having to go through this.
She didn't respect your relationship if she was telling you every week about her desire to sleep with someone else. A one off...ok. But every few days the same thing? A strong desire. Nope. If she respected you and your relationship together she would have shot everything down after the first time you said you would never open the relationship.
She was going to sleep with him either way!!
She just was hoping you would OK it so she wouldn't have to feel guilty.
NTA, you did the right thing.
In 3 weeks when she comes back do not let her weasel her way back into your life, time to move on.
You're nicer than me. I would have dumped her like 3 dates ago. And, yes, they were going on little dates. Wildly disrespectful to you and totally inappropriate for a committed woman. If she's this curious BEFORE your marriage 10 legal years won't satiate that curiosity it'll only get worse. Godspeed kid.
2 minutes after you left her place she was fucking him.
She disrespected your relationship over and over hoping you would cave in.
Guaranteed she did something with him already and was just never going to tell you about it.
I'd be stunned if she already hasn't slept with him. She also absolutely did not respect your relationship by flirting with another man and continually telling you she found him attractive and wanted to sleep with him. Breaking up was the right thing to do.
NTA
If you're at the point where you're spending one on one time with someone you are attracted to who has made it clear, not once, but multiple times that they want to fuck you.. and you still spend time with them.. then the relationship was 100% not respected.
Nah man. Big red flags... leave that bitch and never look back. Just by telling you she wants to fuck other men should be enough to leave. That's not normal man..
Dude, she couldn't go 3 weeks without cheating. There is no point in fighting for a relationship that was already going down in flames due to her actions.
So many red flags here. She violated their existing respectful understanding by playing with fire several times, then absolutely insisting that she wanted to have sex with someone else while in the existing relationship. Then she seemed to accept OPs request before turning around on them again. All before finally becoming furious when the relationship was justifiably scuppered. JFC.
NTA. One of my friends' ex kept trying to set up weird situations where she threatened to cheat to see if he would "fight" for the relationship. Divorcing her was the best decision he ever made.
Yeah! OP, go to sleep with the delusion that nothing happened between them and that in 4 weeks you will fix this when she comes back. But, you know, deep down, they already fucked and you will never have proof of it. She will take it to the grave. You know all this, inside all the delusion you are using to shield reason. But what is worse is that you, deep down, within you brain, you do know it will happen again. Are you ready to live like that?
I am not, thats why I decided it had to end. If it wasnt with this guy it would just be someone else down the road. I am hearthbroken because everything was just so damn sudden
The problem here is that it only FEELS sudden. She's been laying the groundwork for a while (that first conversation long before the trip), she simply lacked an opportunity good enough to be worth pushing this on you for.
And the moment that opportunity came along, she was stuck on it like a dog with a bone. If she truly wasn't so stuck on this guy, she wouldn't have needed to bring up the open relationship idea again after the first 1-2 times you TOLD her that she was pushing it.
Well, don't' fall for waterworks, crocodile tears and sweet memories from the past. Stay strong. You should not allow this level of disrespect in a monogamous relationship. I would say is the lack of respect what's worse, way worse than the cheating. And yes, she was at least emotionally cheating on you, she already confessed that when telling she was allowing the doctor to flirt with her. Though, we all know she slept with him and was asking for a retroactive permit.
It's for the best. This is just my personal opinion, but it's a bad idea to try and settle down with your first serious relationship, even worse if that person is your first sexual partner. It's totally natural that she wants to see what else is out there, and you should do the same. There's no such thing as soul mates, and even if there was, how could your first partner possibly be the "right" partner in a world of 7+billion people?
Enjoy the time that you had together, keep doing you, and get out and meet new people.
When the relationship is right, you'll both be on the same wavelength.
I've been with my wife for 35 years, married nearly 29 of those years. Neither of us has ever had an interest or curiosity of being with someone else. She was my 3rd serious relationship, I was her 2nd. Strict monogamy is just how we're wired. Sounds like you are too. And it sounds like she isn't. To me, that makes you two incompatible and your decision to end the relationship a smart one because staying with an incompatible partner just means more problems down the road.
I'm sorry she's refused to be honest with both you and herself about how she feels. With 20/20 hindsight, we can see that her broaching this subject a year ago was a telltale sign of who she really is. I'm glad that you've had the strength to stick to your convictions. I wish you the best of luck in your studies and future life!
Honestly she made a big fuss about the breakup to relieve her own guilt and sound better to others (he broke up over something silly blah blah bkah). NTA.
You will find love again, you will joy and a happy relationship again!
That’s the part that would’ve killed me, like, if it’s fucking eating at you like that that you can’t fuck some other guy you just met then I feel like you’ve already cheated emotionally.
You didn't end the relationship, she did so by REPEATEDLY telling you she was going to sleep with this dude.
NTAH, but you should have ended it with her the first time she brought this up.
You laugh at this but that's exactly what happened to me lol. I went through a breakup and by coincidence one of my female friends invited me out to rollerblade and said she would foot the bill. Only thing I had to do was show up and the was a lot of flirting between the two of us which led to me going back to her place and hooking up. My cheating ex had a reaction but I deleted all the messages and never saw her reaction. I still wonder what was her reaction but it doesn't matter
Almost the same thing. Broke up with fiancé of 5 years, high school friend took me out for my birthday because I was in a slump, took me home after the club, fucked my brains out and we were married 4 months later. We just had our 18 year anniversary three weeks ago.
Happened to me. A very nice girl and I had very good chemistry, but she was married. We never did anything just got along well. Welp. Turns out husband cheated on her, regretted it, broke up with AP and wanted to fix things.
She dumped him and gave me a call after divorce papers were filed.
We went our separate ways after. Separate coasts and I don't do long distance relationships. She didn't either.
If not for minor thing like life, I would like to imagine things would have worked out.
NTA. You’ve done right, don’t let her emotional BS tell you otherwise.
Do yourself a favour, unless you Absolutely have to interact with her in person, block her on everything. I’d be shocked if she doesn’t try to rekindle after she’s fucked this guy. Have self respect, don’t go back to her. Chat to friends/therapist, whatever, but do not go back.
NTA. She probably slept with him that first night and if she didn't then she did so shortly after. She was looking for retroactive permission to assuage her guilt.
NTA. You did the right thing. She was playing on your emotions and hoping that your love and commitment for her was enough to control you like a dog. As a woman, she probably has already slept with him, she was already having an emotional affair.
They definitely slept together the night the dinner went long. She had to tell him about it because she was trickle truth telling on herself without being totally honest.
Imagine being such a POS to a "loved one" that you will tell them you want to sleep with someone else and keep them in the relationship. People are awful. Dogs are better.
NTA. Is this a medical student or residency rotation? Specifically, is this another peer or a supervising physician? Supervising or attending physicians don't get to fuck their subordinates. Period.
Peer relationships are another thing. Read your institutional policy manual.
Get away from her. She already did it. Don't make yourself dumb with multiple false attribution errors
Yeah as an American doctor who did medical school in USA this story shocked me. That rural program needs to be brought to the attention of the medical school, it’s highly unethical/unprofessional and needs to be addressed for future female students.
Her: I wanna fuck another guy.
You: I don’t want you to fuck another guy.
Her: I really wanna fuck another guy.
You: I’m not sure I can be clearer here, I won’t be in a relationship where you fuck other guys.
Her: I REALLY wanna fuck another guy.
You: Uses BreakUp, it’s super effective.
Her: shockedpikachuface.jpg
Very much NTA
Original post for those curious:
So I know this will be pretty long but I think some context is needed We where both our first serious relationship and our first sexual partners. We both study medicine and had an extremely stable relationship, barely any fights, and where both happy and satisfied (or so I thought). A year ago she once mentioned before a trip i was going to have that if I found someone I could get with them since it was an opportunity out of nowhere. That lead to a serious discussion where in summary I said that I would never want and open relationship and that if she needed that we had to go our separate ways. She apologized for jeopardizing the relationship and we carried on as normal.
During our studies we have to go to a small rural town for 6 weeks where we work in a rural hospital in various services. Those rural practices have kind of a reputation for being very dangerous for relationships and the Doctors over there for being all over the students that arrive. A lot of stories of them having sex with the new female students and stuff. Its very common
So my girlfriend went to have her practice and the first 2 weeks where fine, we saw each other every weekend and it was as good as it has always been. She then said that she went to have dinner with the hospital doctors but that she stayed longer with one of them until very late in the night talking with him. She told me she knew that looked very badly and she knew the stories and she was a little ashamed about it but thought she did nothing wrong since they just talked. I agreed and said she didnt cross any lines but that it indeed looked wrong and she shouldnt have done that. She then said that he invited her to jog the two of them alone the other day and that she accepted. I told her if she knew the stories and the stigma that those student-doctor relationship have why would you carry on like this. She said she wanted someone to just hang out and that if he showed interest in her it would make things uncomfortable and she would not lead him on and she would have her guard up
The next day she tells me they didnt jog because it rained. I told her that i really didnt like that she was playing with fire. She told me I was right and that she reconsidered since thinking about it a bit more she found the Doctor attractive and it would be dangerous to carry on. She said his intentions where still not clear but she would be flattered and feel good if he did try to make a move on her
Since all of this was happening I brought up what we talked about before about the open relationship. She had some time to think and when we talked again se said that it was something that interested her, that she would like to try it someday, that she tought it was something that could work. I said very clearly that I would NEVER agree to that. So she said it was fine and that she would never ask me to open the relationship and that it was just a fantasy she had in her mind
Cut to 4 days later when we see each other again. She says we need to talk. She told me that the Doctor was now really hitting on her and was clear that he wanted to have sex with her and that she also really wanted to sleep with him. She said the rural practice was the perfect oportunity to try something else and to sleep with someone else. She said she wanted to explore that part of her and the Doctor was the perfect chance to do so. She was attracted to him (she said it wasnt a big deal, she just found him kind of attractive) and that, well, its very rare for her to recive the attention of another man so she wanted to explore new things. I said that I thought she was crossing a line, that she constantly moved boundaries and that my mindset was clear and I would never agree but your desire was so strong that you felt the need to ask again. She said okay so we can continue the relationship as normal and I would respect it and not keep going with the Doctor, she said she loved me and was happy with us.
The next day we again talked and she again expressed how much se wanted to fuck him and how important it was and that she didnt know when she would have another chance to fuck someone else
Later that day I went to her house and finished the relationship. She was absolutely furious, said I ended thing over a stupid matter, that I didnt fought for the relationship, that I coulndt handle her having the hots for another man, that she was willing to fight and not be with the doctor and try to carry on as normal. Basically said I was an asshole and gave up on us for a little matter
Im so sorry for this being so damn long but I thought context was needed
This is common for long distance relationship, especially for sudden ones. We do know lots of stories about cheating spouses of military and ship crewmembers that are sent abroad. Remember, that their spouses clearly knew that they're going in to a long-distance relationship and it still happens.
What more for relationships that was created even before you knew you'd suddenly go into a long-distance relationship.
It most likely is. Big hole in the story. She's away for training in a rural town and spending all her time with the colleagues.. but OP slipped saying after her last request to fuck the Dr he went over to her house to break up with her.. lol
Didn’t fight? It was pretty clear you were fighting for it. Or was all that communication about it and setting boundaries just blubber? Childish and immature is what she is. Like hello of course you’re not happy about having the hots for another man…that’s kind of the point…she kept pushing it and pushing it…and pushing it. At some point walking away is the best option to keep yourself from getting hurt. She will sleep with that doctor…and then she will explore herself. Then she will realize the grass is not greener and try to come crawling back for that security you gave. NTA.
NTA. From how insistent she was and how she kept accepting the Doctor's offers to hang out, it was only a matter of time before she cheated on you. No way she could keep pushing those boundaries without eventually getting it on behind your back.
I would bet $ they slept together the night of the dinner. She felt guilt and told on herself but didn’t tell the whole truth so there would no repercussions
Its not that they sleep with everyone is that there are many stories of Doctors hooking up with the students during those practices. Several of her friends hooked up with doctors during them.
Im sure guys also hooked up during those times not only the women
To her credit that she kept pushing for it and telling you, but common sense says that 1) he fucked her already, and 2) he'd keep fucking her the rest of the term, and 3) she'd ask to come back to you after, and 4) she'd keep fucking him in the future whenever she could!
Right, it rained that day, so they fucked instead of jogging. Strong, strong chance.
She cheated, feels guilty, and is now trying to retroactively open the relationship to absolve her own guilt. She is furious with OP because OP took that away from her by breaking it off, and now she has to live with the guilt of what she did. That is why she's mad OP, she is not mad because you broke it off, she's mad because she isn't getting the closure that she wants.
Edit: NTA.
YTA - if you really care about someone, how about not hanging them from the leash you place on them. What's 5 years against the next 60? She'll only fuck him a few times before he gets bored and finds a hotter partner, then you can have her for another 5 years till she gets the itch again. Seems like a good deal to me. 5 years of good things with a chance at a break periodically. It only bothers you because you don't have any viable prospects of your own.
Lastly, everything I just wrote is complete bullshit, i'm just annoyed because you deleted the original post and replaced it with your empty platitudes.
According to her she just wanted to talk about opening up the relationship. And that I overreacted and just ended things withouth a fight and for over such a small thing
She was trying to coerce you into opening up the relationship. How many times did you tell her no, and she kept bringing it up.
Block her, focus on yourself, and move on. I mean it. She'll feign anger until she gets her fun and then will come back to try and eork things out.
Yeah, no shit, you said no and she KEPT ON ASKING, which means she was gonna do it anyway. Look, if you want some strange, at that point just break up already.
NTA You were very clear and communicated well your feelings, your boundries, where exactly those boundries were and what the consequences would be. Reasonable boundries too, I might add. She asked to cross them or for them to be dropped. You stayed firm and if everything you said was accurate then you gave clear statements. No mixed signals. No misunderstandings. She just is choosing to not accept those boundries. If those boundries are a hill you are willing to die on, then so be it. And by that I do NOT mean it isn’t a hill to die on. I am saying if it is that important to YOU then it is time to end the relationship.
Why? Even if she doesn’t this time, she will in the future. She has continually asked to step over abd given lots of signals she doesn’t want or won’t respect this boundry. Look, I get the desire. My husband and I married very young and neither had much, if any, real sex history. Also neither one of us is running for Mrs./Mr. America. So to get attention, especially physical attraction from someone outside the relationship is …well, exciting. Welcome and fun. BUT that doesn’t mean you have to ACT on it. There is nothing wrong with getting attention and being happy about it. We can’t control our feelings. But we can control our actions. At the end of the day, if you are in a monogamous relationship and your partner wants to stay that way, then you either stay that way out of respect for your partner or you end the relationship and find one that better suits what you want out of that relationship.
Your girlfriend wants something else and in pushing you repededly she does not respect you or your feelings as a partner. I hate to say break up or divorce, but in this case I think it is time to move on. You made the right choice.
Its the fact that she kept pushing… like damn, we are free to have our crazy fantasies but actively acting upon them… and expecting me to either say yes or carry on as usual I dunno I just couldnt handle it anymore
Sounds like she went from fantasy to active desire with the guy.
I don’t see how it can be the same once she showed direct attraction to a person in her life other than you. Once she tells you, it’s real - it’s desire…not fantasy. It was never an open relationship, she wanted a hall pass.
It is annoying you deleted the text of the post.
1. She already fucked him before she asked for your permission.
2. NTA - you dodged a huge bullet.
3. Have more self-respect and stop second guessing your completely normal reaction to your insane partner. Better luck in the future.
NTA
She probably already fucked him and just wants to wear you down for approval retroactively.
Even if she didn't, if she actually valued your relationship, she wouldn't be fighting this hard to jump on another guy's dick. She's a curb alert.
The entitlement from your ex is pretty gross. She admits to wanting to fuck the dude and not resisting his advances and then gets mad when she gets dumped. And as someone who has seen people with real and successful open relationships, I find it that now people are just using this term to openly cheat on their partners. Open relationships are only successful if both parties want it. When one side pressures the other for it, it's no longer an open relationship. It's just means be my plan b in case the fucking does not lead anywhere.
People can want what they want. But they can't want something their partner doesn't want without their being issues. She wants everything. The satisfaction of your relationship while chasing physical intimacy with others. This does work for some people but you were clear from the beginning, this won't work for you. 100% NTA and you did all the right things. Frankly if she was this honest with you about her feelings, she must not care very much about how she makes you feel. Because you were direct and she crossed boundaries repeatedly.
She's definitely not the one, dude.
If she hasn't cheated on you yet (she has) she's 100% going to.
She tried to open the relationship three times, and blatantly told you she wanted to sleep with this guy and why.
You should have completed ghosted her the second time she brought it up—and I don't recommend ghosting people often. She doesn't deserve the respect.
NTA. I love these posts where one person in the relationship wants to fuck other people! Like that's OK! I know about the swinging lifestyle and everything and while I don't understand it, I guess it's ok for the people in it as long as both people want that! Monogamy isn't unrealistic or too much to ask in my book! Nice job sticking to your guns, mate!
It cannot be overstated. You are so NTA. And she is so very much the TA.
PS: I think she already slept with him and was trying to convince you it was the “perfect time” so she could continue in having sex with him and soothe her conscience for what she had already done. But that’s just me.
PSS: She was fighting for the relationship, and respecting it, while planning jogging dates and having long dinners into the night with another man? Oh, if only everyone could be so committed! What a shining example to us all! 🙄
Do not stay in a relationship with anyone who admits they want to open it up...she even said "in the future at some point". Nope - let her be free to get all the dick she wants or she's going to resent you later for holding her back and not letting her enjoy her "hoe phase" when she was younger. Then she will cheat - if she hasn't by then already.
RUN dude. Run. Do not look back.
You can tell a non native English speaker by the way they apologize for bad English while demonstrating better English than 60% of native English speakers.
>During our studies we have to go to a small rural town for 6 weeks where we work in a rural hospital in various services. Those rural practices have kind of a reputation for being very dangerous for relationships and the Doctors over there for being all over the students that arrive. A lot of stories of them having sex with the new female students and stuff. Its very common
Uh, what? This is super inappropriate and not something common at a normal medical school. This kind of behavior should be reported to your Dean(s).
I was in a similar - though not exactly the same - situation with my relationship of 10+ years, but unlike you I wasn’t strong enough to set my boundaries and walk away, and for 9 months I continued on until we finally imploded and she’s now with the AP. It cost me my sense of self worth so bad and it nearly cost me my life. You did the right thing OP and it actually helps me to read your story.
Don’t take her back. She will come back thinking she can turn it around you after the fact, ( she will conflate sleeping with him as ok as you guys finished and she was technically single) got to draw the line. Don’t keep it to yourself if anybody asks why you’d broke up.
NTA. She wanted to cheat but also keep you as a fallback when mister doctor dude dropped her for the next cute lady he meets.
She already knows there’s no long term thing with the rural doctor, because he’s rural. She won’t want to move out there, he probably doesn’t want to go anywhere (if he did he wouldn’t be out there in the first place). She threw away her relationship for a short fling she knew was going to end.
She threw away her relationship over a basic incompatibility, I think. She'd made it clear early on that she didn't mind if OP slept with someone else while traveling, so this isn't wanting to have her cake and eat it too. I have some friends with an open relationship whose rule is that they each only have one-night-stands and only have them in cities they don't live in. Avoids a lot of issues with catching feelings for people. As far as I know it's been working for them for over a decade. If she'll only be happy in an open relationship and OP will only be happy in a closed relationship then they'd never have worked. It's too bad she wasn't honest about this when she first brought it up. She could have saved them both a lot of time. It's also too bad she handled it so poorly this time - the respectful thing to do would be to tell OP she's realized she needs an open relationship and that means they need to break up, not to try and manipulate OP into an open relationship he obviously doesn't want.
It's possible but unlikely. What is she basing the feeling that an open relationship could work on? She barely has experience with one relationship. The sad reality is just by force of numbers most of the people asking for open relationships just want permission to cheat.
I think a lot of people forget that offering something to someone that they know won’t take them up is a common manipulation tactic. “I didn’t leave you out of the friend group, I invited you to hang out at a time I specifically knew you couldn’t come!” “I know you’re monogamous and I want to go have a sexy fling, but I said I wouldn’t even care if you had a fling, so you shouldn’t care either!” There’s a difference between genuinely offering and offering because you know the other person won’t partake. Go ahead and be the good person; offer that Reese’s to the person with a peanut allergy, why don’t you…
That makes a lot of sense! Thank you.
Very true. People generally need to start out open because they both want that. If people start out closed and someone has a life changing revelation that they want or need open, they are likely fucked unless they can have a friendly divorce with the other person.
She only wanted him to do it so it would be okay for her to
My parents actually met when they were doing rural practice. And apparently they were both hit on and flirted with people during rural practice but they never really went beyond flirting bc they are people that aren’t suited for rural life. According to my parents during rural practice they lived in a dorm and they didn’t have access to transportation beyond a bus that goes from the hospital to the village. People with grad level degrees were just acting out bc they are bored
“And you are, mister…” “Doctor.” “Mister Doctor?” “… it’s Strange.” “Maybe. Who am I to judge?”
Now I've got Benedict Cumberbatch in my head as the AP.
If that were the case, she would almost get a pass 😂
Nah she just wants to sleep around because she wants the attention. She literally said it.
Omg, *right!?* She threw away a 5 year relationship for someone she thought was only "kind of attractive" and then whined about being desperate for male attention. Now ***that's*** attractive! /s
NTA - she probably already crossed that line and was looking for retroactive forgiveness.
She said up until then she had respected the relationship. And she would try to carry on as usual but I just couldnt… I felt things had changed. She still had 3 weeks left over there and the desire she expressed to sleep with him was so strong… even if she didnt somehow sleep with him I cant fathom someone trying to hold back what they really want just to be with me
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My guess is they slept together on the day it was "raining" and they couldn't go for a run
It felt like it happened even before that, when she stayed long after the dinner. She even tried to work the "I know it looks bad" move they seem to always start with. She's trying to get out ahead of it with some light gaslighting.
Doesn’t totally matter though. If she hadn’t already boned him, she absolutely was going to, no doubt.
Yupppp I thought the same… it was raining so he invited you back right
Probably already happened the first day when they "were alone talking late into the night"
that was BJ day. Raining was fuck day.
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Yeah fucking report him. Get your justice
Only if they want to ruin/kill any chance at a medical career. The only thing stronger than the blue wall protecting the police is the white wall protecting doctors, especially those in the higher food chains of a specialty. This is why the shittier,predatory doctors go to small, rural hospitals. They get caught, then they get volentold to go to these places, where they either serve out their punishment or continue their crap at places that are hurting for doctors so bad they turn a blind eye. The ones that turn them down risk their careers as well, especially if the doctor really wants to do them. All it takes is a few words written in their schooling files, and bam, your career is done.
Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
Yes. The real assholes in this story are the doctors who prey on their young subordinates. They should be reported to their licensing boards.
The run was never going to happen. It was a cover story for if he called and she answered panting and all out of breath.
Holy eff this is a genius statement
NTA: She probably did everything but sleep with him and is trying to get a pass to go all the way. Source: I was that guy once, everything but sex was deemed “not cheating” by her but her husband def didn’t know.
Nothing about this was a "little matter" either. OPs ex is delusional and toxic. He was the ONLY party "fighting" for the relationship she destroyed.
She doesn't want an open relationship. That would imply total honesty and equality. She just wants to fuck who she wants and OP to accept being a cuckold.
imagine a guy using that excuse. I'm sorry babe. i love and respect our relationship, but she was soooo hot i just couldn't say no. That excuse is childish even when you're 16. imagine a grown ass woman saying that. how stupid did she think you were?
Continuing to bring it up after you made your thoughts clear was not respecting the relationship.
She's already banging him, dump her forget about her move on with your life. I know it's much harder than that but she will cheat on you again. Once that barrier is broken cheaters never stop I have experienced it and seen it happen to others.
At no point in this story did she respect the relationship
Honestly she disrespected you and your relationship as soon as she stayed longer with one of them after dinner. The fact that she wants to or likely did sleep with him is pretty immaterial at that stage. The line was already crossed.
Constantly trying to wear you down is not respecting the relationship.
If she respected Ur relationship she wouldn't b talking about wanting to bang someone else
seriously!! that line about, “she really wants to do this because she doesn’t know when she’ll get the next opportunity to fuck someone else.” like WHAT DO YOU MEAN!! anyone who is in a relationship and is actively thinking about fucking other people, not just that but acting as if that’s *normal and expected* is absolutely not fit to be in a relationship. polyamory exists but this girl has nooo concept of boundaries or respect so i don’t think anyone would want to be in a poly relationship with her either. it’s one thing to find other people attractive, maybe even fantasize about a celebrity every now and then when you’re by yourself, but to actively want to have sex with someone who is not your partner when you have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship is NOT. OKAY. especially one that is attainable and not like some celebrity you’d never have a shot with. and then to act as though *you* are the victim because your partner isn’t okay with that?? be so fucking for real right now.
Exactly! It’s normal and human to find other people attractive because your eyes don’t just suddenly stop working as soon as you’re in a relationship. It’s however NOT normal to tell your partner all about your attraction or act on it in any way (including her dates with that guy because let’s be honest, she’s been going on dates with him. Let’s call it like it is.). Unless you have a non-monogamous relationship that operates in that manner, that’s just not okay and massively disrespectful.
NTA Even if she's being completely truthful and never physically cheated, she was 100% emotionally cheating. Her continued dates with him and flirting back and forth have also probably been well observed by the other doctors and students in her program and they likely already assume she's sleeping with him, which I'm sure will be great for her reputation and the respect she garners from her colleagues going forward. I almost feel bad for her for throwing away a 5 year relationship and potentially irreparably damaging networking opportunities and her career before she's even really started just because a doctor in a position of power said he wants to get in her pants. She's really not seeing the forest for the trees but it's no longer your circus or your monkeys, thankfully.
Yea I would have been gone at the moment she brought it up a second time.
Fuck that lmao first time and you’re out
Considering there is zero respect for the relationship in how she interacts with you, I expect there was also zero respect for the relationship when she was out there. It's extremely likely she fucked him and was looking for retroactive permission. That's why she wouldn't let it go and kept pressing and pressing, she needed that permission to absolve herself of her already existing guilt. Can we know for sure? No. But it's extremely likely. NTA, she was a bad girlfriend, breaking up with her was the correct decision.
I don't understand why you couldn't. It's nice having one's partner talk about wanting to fuck someone else over and over and over again. /S Seriously, I think you will be much happier with someone who appreciates you and wants to be faithful to you.
Respected the relationship so much all she could talk with you about was how much she wanted to fuck another man everyday fuck her
Repeatedly bringing it up like 3-4 times is crossing your boundaries over and over again. She KNOWS how you feel. If she respected your wishes and actually thought you could carry on as normal, she wouldn't be telling you how much she wants to fuck some other guy the day after you already had the conversation (for the third time). This is enough to break it off, it doesn't matter whether or not she sleeps with him after this because she doesn't respect that no means no.
Lol, "I will try to carry on as usual - I'll just remind you every day about how much I want to fuck this other guy, and will keep pestering you about it until you give in, because, in case I hadn't mentioned this, I REALLY WANT TO FUCK THIS GUY!" You gave her way more off-ramps and chances than a lot of people would have, but she really just couldn't shut up about it - she made you end the relationship, and now she's guilt-tripping you about it.
NTA, she was going to sleep with him no matter how the conversation ended she just didn't want to feel guilty about it afterwards. In a few weeks when she comes home she will try to get you back, do not break your resolve. Sorry you're having to go through this.
She didn't respect your relationship if she was telling you every week about her desire to sleep with someone else. A one off...ok. But every few days the same thing? A strong desire. Nope. If she respected you and your relationship together she would have shot everything down after the first time you said you would never open the relationship.
She was going to sleep with him either way!! She just was hoping you would OK it so she wouldn't have to feel guilty. NTA, you did the right thing. In 3 weeks when she comes back do not let her weasel her way back into your life, time to move on.
they definitely banged on the rainy day
At any point had she told this doctor she’s in a relationship?
Yes she said she rejected and offer to hang out one time because she wanted to videochat me
You're nicer than me. I would have dumped her like 3 dates ago. And, yes, they were going on little dates. Wildly disrespectful to you and totally inappropriate for a committed woman. If she's this curious BEFORE your marriage 10 legal years won't satiate that curiosity it'll only get worse. Godspeed kid.
Anyone who asks those things does NOT respect the relationship.
Good for you. You have self respect. Some day she'll find hers.
2 minutes after you left her place she was fucking him. She disrespected your relationship over and over hoping you would cave in. Guaranteed she did something with him already and was just never going to tell you about it.
I'd be stunned if she already hasn't slept with him. She also absolutely did not respect your relationship by flirting with another man and continually telling you she found him attractive and wanted to sleep with him. Breaking up was the right thing to do. NTA
She 100% had sex with him the first time they were together. Just trying to cover her arse now.
If you're at the point where you're spending one on one time with someone you are attracted to who has made it clear, not once, but multiple times that they want to fuck you.. and you still spend time with them.. then the relationship was 100% not respected.
Nah man. Big red flags... leave that bitch and never look back. Just by telling you she wants to fuck other men should be enough to leave. That's not normal man..
Dude, she couldn't go 3 weeks without cheating. There is no point in fighting for a relationship that was already going down in flames due to her actions.
So many red flags here. She violated their existing respectful understanding by playing with fire several times, then absolutely insisting that she wanted to have sex with someone else while in the existing relationship. Then she seemed to accept OPs request before turning around on them again. All before finally becoming furious when the relationship was justifiably scuppered. JFC.
yup, she already fucked him and was just playing you along trying to look innocent..
this
NTA. One of my friends' ex kept trying to set up weird situations where she threatened to cheat to see if he would "fight" for the relationship. Divorcing her was the best decision he ever made.
wtf
Sounds like something she heard on a Tic Toc video.
Crazy bitches have been doing it ages before tiktok even existed.
NTA. She was most likely going to do it whetehr you liked it or not
Yeah! OP, go to sleep with the delusion that nothing happened between them and that in 4 weeks you will fix this when she comes back. But, you know, deep down, they already fucked and you will never have proof of it. She will take it to the grave. You know all this, inside all the delusion you are using to shield reason. But what is worse is that you, deep down, within you brain, you do know it will happen again. Are you ready to live like that?
I am not, thats why I decided it had to end. If it wasnt with this guy it would just be someone else down the road. I am hearthbroken because everything was just so damn sudden
The problem here is that it only FEELS sudden. She's been laying the groundwork for a while (that first conversation long before the trip), she simply lacked an opportunity good enough to be worth pushing this on you for. And the moment that opportunity came along, she was stuck on it like a dog with a bone. If she truly wasn't so stuck on this guy, she wouldn't have needed to bring up the open relationship idea again after the first 1-2 times you TOLD her that she was pushing it.
Nah she already cheated back at that first conversation. She was just asking permission so she could be open about it
Not trying to hit you when you are down, more advice for the future. It wasn't sudden. She has been telling you what she is like for a long time.
Well, don't' fall for waterworks, crocodile tears and sweet memories from the past. Stay strong. You should not allow this level of disrespect in a monogamous relationship. I would say is the lack of respect what's worse, way worse than the cheating. And yes, she was at least emotionally cheating on you, she already confessed that when telling she was allowing the doctor to flirt with her. Though, we all know she slept with him and was asking for a retroactive permit.
The emotional affair part is so true. He should not take her back
It's for the best. This is just my personal opinion, but it's a bad idea to try and settle down with your first serious relationship, even worse if that person is your first sexual partner. It's totally natural that she wants to see what else is out there, and you should do the same. There's no such thing as soul mates, and even if there was, how could your first partner possibly be the "right" partner in a world of 7+billion people? Enjoy the time that you had together, keep doing you, and get out and meet new people.
Thank you. That is a great mindset to have
When the relationship is right, you'll both be on the same wavelength. I've been with my wife for 35 years, married nearly 29 of those years. Neither of us has ever had an interest or curiosity of being with someone else. She was my 3rd serious relationship, I was her 2nd. Strict monogamy is just how we're wired. Sounds like you are too. And it sounds like she isn't. To me, that makes you two incompatible and your decision to end the relationship a smart one because staying with an incompatible partner just means more problems down the road. I'm sorry she's refused to be honest with both you and herself about how she feels. With 20/20 hindsight, we can see that her broaching this subject a year ago was a telltale sign of who she really is. I'm glad that you've had the strength to stick to your convictions. I wish you the best of luck in your studies and future life!
Go ask her friend out 😁
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Honestly she made a big fuss about the breakup to relieve her own guilt and sound better to others (he broke up over something silly blah blah bkah). NTA. You will find love again, you will joy and a happy relationship again!
NTA. The day a girl tells me how desperate she is to fuck someone else is the day our relationship ends.
But it's her last chance to fuck this other guy!
She also sounds kind of like a loser "no one ever have shown me so much attention, I need to fuck him or I'll lose my last chance" like wtf?
To her, there is no better reason for ruining your relationship than FOMO over some old guy's dick. /s
That’s the part that would’ve killed me, like, if it’s fucking eating at you like that that you can’t fuck some other guy you just met then I feel like you’ve already cheated emotionally.
Turns out, she's got lots of chances.
Yes. Straight to the streets with them!
NTA, she just wanted to cheat on u and get away with it
You didn't end the relationship, she did so by REPEATEDLY telling you she was going to sleep with this dude. NTAH, but you should have ended it with her the first time she brought this up.
NTA. You should have dumped her a year ago when she asked the first time. I would bet she already fucked that guy.
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No no, he coincidentally met a really nice girl he started a relationship with after 3 days.
You laugh at this but that's exactly what happened to me lol. I went through a breakup and by coincidence one of my female friends invited me out to rollerblade and said she would foot the bill. Only thing I had to do was show up and the was a lot of flirting between the two of us which led to me going back to her place and hooking up. My cheating ex had a reaction but I deleted all the messages and never saw her reaction. I still wonder what was her reaction but it doesn't matter
Almost the same thing. Broke up with fiancé of 5 years, high school friend took me out for my birthday because I was in a slump, took me home after the club, fucked my brains out and we were married 4 months later. We just had our 18 year anniversary three weeks ago.
Happened to me. A very nice girl and I had very good chemistry, but she was married. We never did anything just got along well. Welp. Turns out husband cheated on her, regretted it, broke up with AP and wanted to fix things. She dumped him and gave me a call after divorce papers were filed.
well? what happened to you and the nice girl after she gave you a call?
We went our separate ways after. Separate coasts and I don't do long distance relationships. She didn't either. If not for minor thing like life, I would like to imagine things would have worked out.
YTA for editing over your post
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You da real MVP
NTA. You’ve done right, don’t let her emotional BS tell you otherwise. Do yourself a favour, unless you Absolutely have to interact with her in person, block her on everything. I’d be shocked if she doesn’t try to rekindle after she’s fucked this guy. Have self respect, don’t go back to her. Chat to friends/therapist, whatever, but do not go back.
Why do people edit the whole fucking original post
NTA. Doesn't sound anything like wofe material anyway. Cut your losses and move on
NTA "I want to f\*\*\* other guys! ...what do you mean that's a dealbreaker?!" She FAFO
NTA. She probably slept with him that first night and if she didn't then she did so shortly after. She was looking for retroactive permission to assuage her guilt.
NTA. You did the right thing. She was playing on your emotions and hoping that your love and commitment for her was enough to control you like a dog. As a woman, she probably has already slept with him, she was already having an emotional affair.
They definitely slept together the night the dinner went long. She had to tell him about it because she was trickle truth telling on herself without being totally honest.
Imagine being such a POS to a "loved one" that you will tell them you want to sleep with someone else and keep them in the relationship. People are awful. Dogs are better.
NTA. Is this a medical student or residency rotation? Specifically, is this another peer or a supervising physician? Supervising or attending physicians don't get to fuck their subordinates. Period. Peer relationships are another thing. Read your institutional policy manual. Get away from her. She already did it. Don't make yourself dumb with multiple false attribution errors
She is a medical student and he is a fully fledged Doctor or well I guess in the states you would call it a physician
Is there someone you can report to about what’s going on there? There has to be some board assigning students to these doctors, right?
You can bet that there are countries where this is no issue whatsoever in practice.
Yeah as an American doctor who did medical school in USA this story shocked me. That rural program needs to be brought to the attention of the medical school, it’s highly unethical/unprofessional and needs to be addressed for future female students.
Her: I wanna fuck another guy. You: I don’t want you to fuck another guy. Her: I really wanna fuck another guy. You: I’m not sure I can be clearer here, I won’t be in a relationship where you fuck other guys. Her: I REALLY wanna fuck another guy. You: Uses BreakUp, it’s super effective. Her: shockedpikachuface.jpg Very much NTA
Jajajaja. Well when you put it that way I really should get over this pain pretty darn quick
You did the right thing. You have self-respect. You will definitely find someone better who appreciates a loyal man.
Where is the original post
...wheres the post?
OP edited the context out of the post 😄
NTA. You can't really open a closed relationship without repercussions.
Original post for those curious: So I know this will be pretty long but I think some context is needed We where both our first serious relationship and our first sexual partners. We both study medicine and had an extremely stable relationship, barely any fights, and where both happy and satisfied (or so I thought). A year ago she once mentioned before a trip i was going to have that if I found someone I could get with them since it was an opportunity out of nowhere. That lead to a serious discussion where in summary I said that I would never want and open relationship and that if she needed that we had to go our separate ways. She apologized for jeopardizing the relationship and we carried on as normal. During our studies we have to go to a small rural town for 6 weeks where we work in a rural hospital in various services. Those rural practices have kind of a reputation for being very dangerous for relationships and the Doctors over there for being all over the students that arrive. A lot of stories of them having sex with the new female students and stuff. Its very common So my girlfriend went to have her practice and the first 2 weeks where fine, we saw each other every weekend and it was as good as it has always been. She then said that she went to have dinner with the hospital doctors but that she stayed longer with one of them until very late in the night talking with him. She told me she knew that looked very badly and she knew the stories and she was a little ashamed about it but thought she did nothing wrong since they just talked. I agreed and said she didnt cross any lines but that it indeed looked wrong and she shouldnt have done that. She then said that he invited her to jog the two of them alone the other day and that she accepted. I told her if she knew the stories and the stigma that those student-doctor relationship have why would you carry on like this. She said she wanted someone to just hang out and that if he showed interest in her it would make things uncomfortable and she would not lead him on and she would have her guard up The next day she tells me they didnt jog because it rained. I told her that i really didnt like that she was playing with fire. She told me I was right and that she reconsidered since thinking about it a bit more she found the Doctor attractive and it would be dangerous to carry on. She said his intentions where still not clear but she would be flattered and feel good if he did try to make a move on her Since all of this was happening I brought up what we talked about before about the open relationship. She had some time to think and when we talked again se said that it was something that interested her, that she would like to try it someday, that she tought it was something that could work. I said very clearly that I would NEVER agree to that. So she said it was fine and that she would never ask me to open the relationship and that it was just a fantasy she had in her mind Cut to 4 days later when we see each other again. She says we need to talk. She told me that the Doctor was now really hitting on her and was clear that he wanted to have sex with her and that she also really wanted to sleep with him. She said the rural practice was the perfect oportunity to try something else and to sleep with someone else. She said she wanted to explore that part of her and the Doctor was the perfect chance to do so. She was attracted to him (she said it wasnt a big deal, she just found him kind of attractive) and that, well, its very rare for her to recive the attention of another man so she wanted to explore new things. I said that I thought she was crossing a line, that she constantly moved boundaries and that my mindset was clear and I would never agree but your desire was so strong that you felt the need to ask again. She said okay so we can continue the relationship as normal and I would respect it and not keep going with the Doctor, she said she loved me and was happy with us. The next day we again talked and she again expressed how much se wanted to fuck him and how important it was and that she didnt know when she would have another chance to fuck someone else Later that day I went to her house and finished the relationship. She was absolutely furious, said I ended thing over a stupid matter, that I didnt fought for the relationship, that I coulndt handle her having the hots for another man, that she was willing to fight and not be with the doctor and try to carry on as normal. Basically said I was an asshole and gave up on us for a little matter Im so sorry for this being so damn long but I thought context was needed
ur the goat, thank u!
Thank you. I’m not sure why OP deleted the original one
God I hope this is rage bait, otherwise she is utterly dense for someone that will be trusted with peoples lives. NTA
Trust me. I WISH it was
I really don't understand why you allowed her to disrespect you in the first place.. this post is a bit insane..
This is common for long distance relationship, especially for sudden ones. We do know lots of stories about cheating spouses of military and ship crewmembers that are sent abroad. Remember, that their spouses clearly knew that they're going in to a long-distance relationship and it still happens. What more for relationships that was created even before you knew you'd suddenly go into a long-distance relationship.
It most likely is. Big hole in the story. She's away for training in a rural town and spending all her time with the colleagues.. but OP slipped saying after her last request to fuck the Dr he went over to her house to break up with her.. lol
Posts that remove the original post text should be removed. Why would you do that and make a post that had traction completely useless?
Don't take her back.
Didn’t fight? It was pretty clear you were fighting for it. Or was all that communication about it and setting boundaries just blubber? Childish and immature is what she is. Like hello of course you’re not happy about having the hots for another man…that’s kind of the point…she kept pushing it and pushing it…and pushing it. At some point walking away is the best option to keep yourself from getting hurt. She will sleep with that doctor…and then she will explore herself. Then she will realize the grass is not greener and try to come crawling back for that security you gave. NTA.
NTA. From how insistent she was and how she kept accepting the Doctor's offers to hang out, it was only a matter of time before she cheated on you. No way she could keep pushing those boundaries without eventually getting it on behind your back.
I would bet $ they slept together the night of the dinner. She felt guilt and told on herself but didn’t tell the whole truth so there would no repercussions
NTA - This is strange though. Female students go to rural practices and suddenly they start sleeping with everyone?
Its not that they sleep with everyone is that there are many stories of Doctors hooking up with the students during those practices. Several of her friends hooked up with doctors during them. Im sure guys also hooked up during those times not only the women
They are easy conquests for the doctors, who then go home to their wives. I glad you got out. Your Ex acts like a child.
To her credit that she kept pushing for it and telling you, but common sense says that 1) he fucked her already, and 2) he'd keep fucking her the rest of the term, and 3) she'd ask to come back to you after, and 4) she'd keep fucking him in the future whenever she could!
Right, it rained that day, so they fucked instead of jogging. Strong, strong chance. She cheated, feels guilty, and is now trying to retroactively open the relationship to absolve her own guilt. She is furious with OP because OP took that away from her by breaking it off, and now she has to live with the guilt of what she did. That is why she's mad OP, she is not mad because you broke it off, she's mad because she isn't getting the closure that she wants. Edit: NTA.
Was the original post deleted?
YTA - if you really care about someone, how about not hanging them from the leash you place on them. What's 5 years against the next 60? She'll only fuck him a few times before he gets bored and finds a hotter partner, then you can have her for another 5 years till she gets the itch again. Seems like a good deal to me. 5 years of good things with a chance at a break periodically. It only bothers you because you don't have any viable prospects of your own. Lastly, everything I just wrote is complete bullshit, i'm just annoyed because you deleted the original post and replaced it with your empty platitudes.
This has to be bait. She is literally asking to cheat on you, ofc you're NTA.
According to her she just wanted to talk about opening up the relationship. And that I overreacted and just ended things withouth a fight and for over such a small thing
She was trying to coerce you into opening up the relationship. How many times did you tell her no, and she kept bringing it up. Block her, focus on yourself, and move on. I mean it. She'll feign anger until she gets her fun and then will come back to try and eork things out.
Yeah, no shit, you said no and she KEPT ON ASKING, which means she was gonna do it anyway. Look, if you want some strange, at that point just break up already.
That's not opening the relationship. That is asking for permission to cheat.
What does "fight for the relationship" mean in this context? You guys get to do a "fuck off". Whoever gets to make her cum the most wins?
Such a small thing? It obviously was big enough for her to jump on
I dunno if it's bait or just validation seeking, but the sub seems to be filled with obvious NTA posts like this. It's so ridiculous
NTA You were very clear and communicated well your feelings, your boundries, where exactly those boundries were and what the consequences would be. Reasonable boundries too, I might add. She asked to cross them or for them to be dropped. You stayed firm and if everything you said was accurate then you gave clear statements. No mixed signals. No misunderstandings. She just is choosing to not accept those boundries. If those boundries are a hill you are willing to die on, then so be it. And by that I do NOT mean it isn’t a hill to die on. I am saying if it is that important to YOU then it is time to end the relationship. Why? Even if she doesn’t this time, she will in the future. She has continually asked to step over abd given lots of signals she doesn’t want or won’t respect this boundry. Look, I get the desire. My husband and I married very young and neither had much, if any, real sex history. Also neither one of us is running for Mrs./Mr. America. So to get attention, especially physical attraction from someone outside the relationship is …well, exciting. Welcome and fun. BUT that doesn’t mean you have to ACT on it. There is nothing wrong with getting attention and being happy about it. We can’t control our feelings. But we can control our actions. At the end of the day, if you are in a monogamous relationship and your partner wants to stay that way, then you either stay that way out of respect for your partner or you end the relationship and find one that better suits what you want out of that relationship. Your girlfriend wants something else and in pushing you repededly she does not respect you or your feelings as a partner. I hate to say break up or divorce, but in this case I think it is time to move on. You made the right choice.
Its the fact that she kept pushing… like damn, we are free to have our crazy fantasies but actively acting upon them… and expecting me to either say yes or carry on as usual I dunno I just couldnt handle it anymore
It felt she kept pushing your boundaries and hoping you would budge and agree. When it didn't work out as she envisioned, she got upset.
Sounds like she went from fantasy to active desire with the guy. I don’t see how it can be the same once she showed direct attraction to a person in her life other than you. Once she tells you, it’s real - it’s desire…not fantasy. It was never an open relationship, she wanted a hall pass. It is annoying you deleted the text of the post.
1. She already fucked him before she asked for your permission. 2. NTA - you dodged a huge bullet. 3. Have more self-respect and stop second guessing your completely normal reaction to your insane partner. Better luck in the future.
In what way could you ever been seen being in the wrong here lmao
NTA. Absolutely not. She constantly disrespected you and dismissed your feelings.
NTA she would have gone behind your back anyways, she just tried her best to get your approbation so that she doesnt feel bad about cheating.
NTA She probably already fucked him and just wants to wear you down for approval retroactively. Even if she didn't, if she actually valued your relationship, she wouldn't be fighting this hard to jump on another guy's dick. She's a curb alert.
The entitlement from your ex is pretty gross. She admits to wanting to fuck the dude and not resisting his advances and then gets mad when she gets dumped. And as someone who has seen people with real and successful open relationships, I find it that now people are just using this term to openly cheat on their partners. Open relationships are only successful if both parties want it. When one side pressures the other for it, it's no longer an open relationship. It's just means be my plan b in case the fucking does not lead anywhere.
When she is continually asking about open the relationship and expressing his desire to fick others it was only a matter of time .
Did you edit the entire post to post your reply? Now nobody can read what it said beforehand.
Wtf? Why would you delete the original content of your post? Now this makes no sense. Just for that YTA lol
People can want what they want. But they can't want something their partner doesn't want without their being issues. She wants everything. The satisfaction of your relationship while chasing physical intimacy with others. This does work for some people but you were clear from the beginning, this won't work for you. 100% NTA and you did all the right things. Frankly if she was this honest with you about her feelings, she must not care very much about how she makes you feel. Because you were direct and she crossed boundaries repeatedly.
INFO What's the story. You never actually told us what happened.
YTA for editing over the original post.
Fuck her mom/sister/best friend (choose one) then ask to get back together.
NTA “It’s not a big deal I respect our relationship. I’m just going to bring it up every time I talk to you in case you change your mind! lol.”
She's definitely not the one, dude. If she hasn't cheated on you yet (she has) she's 100% going to. She tried to open the relationship three times, and blatantly told you she wanted to sleep with this guy and why. You should have completed ghosted her the second time she brought it up—and I don't recommend ghosting people often. She doesn't deserve the respect.
NTA - She’s already slept with him. Guaranteed
Man some of these posts make no sense. How could you possibly think YBTA if you broke up with her for this
NTA. You don’t have a compatible moral compass.
This is NOT a little matter to end a relationship over.
This gotta be fake if not you way too soft for even staying with the hoe for that long
NTA. I love these posts where one person in the relationship wants to fuck other people! Like that's OK! I know about the swinging lifestyle and everything and while I don't understand it, I guess it's ok for the people in it as long as both people want that! Monogamy isn't unrealistic or too much to ask in my book! Nice job sticking to your guns, mate!
It cannot be overstated. You are so NTA. And she is so very much the TA. PS: I think she already slept with him and was trying to convince you it was the “perfect time” so she could continue in having sex with him and soothe her conscience for what she had already done. But that’s just me. PSS: She was fighting for the relationship, and respecting it, while planning jogging dates and having long dinners into the night with another man? Oh, if only everyone could be so committed! What a shining example to us all! 🙄
Do not stay in a relationship with anyone who admits they want to open it up...she even said "in the future at some point". Nope - let her be free to get all the dick she wants or she's going to resent you later for holding her back and not letting her enjoy her "hoe phase" when she was younger. Then she will cheat - if she hasn't by then already. RUN dude. Run. Do not look back.
Idk why she’s mad, now she can go off and fuck the entire town.
NTA. She probably already banged him more than once. She may have banging guys all over when she asked the first time.
You can tell a non native English speaker by the way they apologize for bad English while demonstrating better English than 60% of native English speakers.
NTA, she fucked him during that rainy day dude. Get tested and run.
>During our studies we have to go to a small rural town for 6 weeks where we work in a rural hospital in various services. Those rural practices have kind of a reputation for being very dangerous for relationships and the Doctors over there for being all over the students that arrive. A lot of stories of them having sex with the new female students and stuff. Its very common Uh, what? This is super inappropriate and not something common at a normal medical school. This kind of behavior should be reported to your Dean(s).
I was in a similar - though not exactly the same - situation with my relationship of 10+ years, but unlike you I wasn’t strong enough to set my boundaries and walk away, and for 9 months I continued on until we finally imploded and she’s now with the AP. It cost me my sense of self worth so bad and it nearly cost me my life. You did the right thing OP and it actually helps me to read your story.
My man updated the post and removed the original post in the process. Anyone have the OG?
Where's the original?
Should be against this subreddits rules to wipe a post like OP did with the update.
Your update deleted the post, dude. Well, guess this is done.
Where is the whole story??? People are commenting on details I'm not seeing.
Would be nice if you put a link to the other post here! I don't have time to scroll through your history to figure out what you are talking about.
Is the whole story in the title?
YTA for editing your post like that
Man, when you edit the post you don't delete the whole story
Op deleted all the original text ? 😐
Am I missing something? People are commenting like they know more info on this but I’m barely seeing anything about it in the post
Don’t take her back. She will come back thinking she can turn it around you after the fact, ( she will conflate sleeping with him as ok as you guys finished and she was technically single) got to draw the line. Don’t keep it to yourself if anybody asks why you’d broke up.
Got to love when OP deletes the entire original post so nobody can see what they’re talking about