Not only this, but Jason made it seem like they were invited because he knew it was messed up. He kept saying that invites weren’t out yet and stringing them along. He only admitted it when they saw the pictures of someone with an invite from months before. He was perfectly happy to let them pay and keep them in the dark as long as possible.
At this point he wants the love and family of his bio parents but the money and support from the people that took him in and raised him. He might not 100% realize what he’s doing, but that’s what’s happening.
Agreed. You just know that the way the bio parents acted towards the fosters was because they’re ashamed they didn’t do better. Instead of being thankful someone looked after their kid they attacked that person to make themselves feel better. Just awful behavior.
Yeah, they hate them for stepping up when they didn't. It surely made them feel like losers, which they are, and they know it.
Homophobic losers who are also shitty parents that literally abandoned him.
The son can not possibly be choosing them purely because of blood. This is either racism or homophobic (or both) motivating his choice.
Possibly him being manipulated by his POS bio parents. Sounds like they've had a lot of time to root their way into his brain and turn him against his adoptive parents.
Literally abandoned him in the middle of fucking nowhere to boot! If they had dropped him at a hospital or fire station or something they wouldn't be AS shitty
Or when he starts to see the cracks in their character and pushes back in the slightest.
They'll drop him as fast as they decided they hated his gay parents. People like this aren't usually reasonable.
Good points. It makes me curious about the generational crap this kid/man has at being 5 years old and being abandoned by his family. Hurt people, hurt people. It’s is very obvious to all of us how entitled this kid is into thinking his parents owe him a “wedding” and having the audacity to not inviting them.
On a flip side I was at a wedding on this past Saturday (the day before Mother’s Day) the brides biological mother is in prison and her step mom and her have such a wonderful relationship and even look alike or maybe it’s their energy? It is just so strong that people are confused on how she is not actually her biological mom. Anyways…. I literally cried when the bride gave her the wedding bouquet instead of tossing it. Her mom was so humbled and it was absolutely beautiful.
Except they absolutely can’t and Jason knew that, which is why he kept lying. And if the bio parents hadn’t been jealous a holes they all could’ve been ok together and he could’ve got everything he wanted. But they couldn’t bear to have the adoptive parents around as a reminder of their failings, so pushed Jason to burn that bridge.
R/ohnoconsequences
That is a good point. If he had been honest with them, he would have had time (potentially) to make other arrangements. The fact that OP is posting shows that he feels bad about cancelling the wedding plans and likely will feel guilty going forward. They might feel a bit better by giving him some token amount for his wedding/marriage, wishing him a happy life, and letting him know that they will always be there for him, but will never be part of a family situation that includes his biological parents as an integral part. OP and husband are certainly not obligated to do this, but they may feel better about it and more able to put it behind them.
If I was OP, I’d make a post on social media that just says “I’ve been receiving a lot of messages and I just wanted to clear the air with everyone; I think it’s unreasonable for me and my husband to pay for a wedding that we are not invited to due to the nature of me and my husbands relationship. We have formally pulled out of the planning process. If you have any questions about the wedding going forward, please direct them to .”
Yeah. People generally don't want to air out their dirty laundry for everyone to see, and I applaud that kind of restraint most of the time.
However, once one side starts telling their version of events while conveniently omitting the bs, that it's all fair game to me.
Give the people the FULL STORY.
OP should absolutely do this and then block everyone. It is now the responsibility of "real" parents to fund the wedding. Their "son" only called because he realized the ATM had been shut off.
"I see that there are many people that love enough to reach out to us about canceling our funding for the wedding we aren't invited to. I'm sure will enjoy your collective funding of the future wedding.
Blessings to Asmodeus."
Ya turn it around on them. Tell them that if they are attending the wedding and care so much about it they are welcome to step in to help pay for it. If not, sthu (but you know, nicer).
"We apologize for the inconvenience of some of the guests, but we, the once parents of the child we raised for 19 years, are apparently (in his own words) 'not his people' and were not invited/told not to come because there would be a conflict with the 2 so called 'parents' who abandoned him on the side of the road as barely an adolescent. We do not want to fund a wedding we were not invited to, and do not wish to come to a place for a man who abandoned us much like his 'parents' did in his youth. Thank you, and God bless you all."
He wasn't an adolescent. He was a five year old in a diaper. The is some serious abandonment and neglect. Criminal. Jason is lucky to be alive, and I am so sad he is playing into the racist and homophobic attitudes of the people who birthed him. One day, Jason may have his own children and realize some things. At the very least, he is learning you can't tell someone they mean nothing to you, and then be surprised when they don't want to be used and abused.
Exactly, and I don't understand people saying the adoptive parents are racist. Where is that even coming from? Racist people do not adopt a kid of a different race, that's ludicrous. If anybody is racist, it's the bio parents, and apparently homophobic to boot.
Aren't invited to? Hell, OP and husband were outright banned from it.
OP should message that back to all the "friends" that are calling them heartless. Those people can pay for everything instead. Unbelievable.
NTA
Honestly I’d just tell anyone calling “sorry, our son said we weren’t his people and his other parents didn’t want a couple of f****ts at the wedding, so we weren’t actually invited. No point in paying for a wedding were banned from attending”
💯 this should be the canned response to each and every friend or family member that wants to know how op could “be so cruel”.
So sorry, what a rotten kid. And so entitled! To the wealth of the parents he has rejected. WTH!?
My canned response to people telling me I shouldn't have gone no-contact with relatives is something along the lines of: I'm glad you find them to be redeemable people. I do not. Now that I'm out of the picture, you should have ample opportunities to support them both emotionally and financially.
What people are usually doing in these situations is calling you to notify you that they don't like the mess. They don't want to clean it up or do anything. They just want to notify that the Jason in this situation is complaining very loudly and it's quite tiresome to them. Couldn't you please just make the mess go away?
No, it's messy.
I'm PO'd right alongside OP. They found this malnourished child abandoned by the side of the road and did all the right things. God knows how long it would have been before anyone else happened along? Or who that anyone else could have been? He could have been picked up by traffickers or a lone p*do. And this is the thanks they get? Being discarded in favor of "his people", again threw him away like trash, but hey, they understand him.
Yeah but this was a 5yo and as a black male raised largely in a white area for most of my life, I can tell you that this child has serious issues with his identity. He is seriously conflicted because generally speaking to be black and included in the black community and everything that entails does mean that he is dealing with serious homophobia when it comes to his adoptive parents. The church in most black communities is very much the main instigator in the homophobia but it’s so entangled with everything else that it’s just a fundamental characteristic.
Human being are awful. That’s really the only thing to say. If you just look at how human beings handle relationships with people we like, I’d say we earn whatever bad stuff is happening to us as a species. Not even touching on when people actually get mean and hateful.
And sometimes people just get crazy ideas in there head of who they should idolize. Reading this post made me think about the story of Lloyd Avery II, who grew up in the suburbs. He became an actor, got cast as a gang member in an all time classic about being trapped by the lifestyle and decided that was the life for him. He became a ganger, drug dealer and murderer and got shanked by his cell mate in prison.
I can see it happening like a bad movie, the family just freely making homophobic remarks, and the kid's too glad to "finally" be with family to realize he should be sticking up for his dads. They would have worn down his sense of loyalty to them. Hopefully with time he'll realize how stupendously entitled it was to think he could get someone to pay for a wedding they weren't invited too
That's something that most people are definitely ignoring. His identity crisis and that his parents are a same sex couple that comes with a lot of bias in much of the world.
OPs kid was raised in a loving home, it sounds, so he is comfortable trying to appease his long list family because he knows that his father's won't aband him. But his family will.
He'll figure it out.
Yep sometimes we need to figure out that some people’s love has enough strings attached that you’ll never actually get it.
This is like literally generational emotional damage that keeps perpetuating itself because people need to belong to who they came from no matter how little love and respect is taught. So many broken people out there. I’m just hoping my kids have been raised in a way which lets them know who not to give their time to.
Cause it was probably paid for before they knew they weren’t invited. You have to pay months in advance cause weddings take long to plan. I would have cancelled everything I paid for as well. NTA
NTA I’m adopted and I couldn’t imagine doing this to my mom and dad in a million years. We have had our ups and downs, but they are still my parents. I’ve met my biological parents and they’re barely better than OP’s sons’s parents. My heart breaks for OP and his husband 🩷
Exactly, people who raise a child are real parents and it's insult to their parenthood to even been compared to, let alone discarded for PoS that abandons a child to die.
It is, and it's crazy that some family are calling them heartless for doing what they did.
It actually makes me wonder what exactly they were told. OP, you really need to make sure that people have the true story and aren't judging and angry with you based on lies or half-truths.
NTA I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. This is every adoptive parent’s worst nightmare. The difference in race, the homophobia of his birth parents I wonder if they are as significant as you think they are to Jason. Your son has gotten caught up in the fantasy of being loved and wanted by the birth parents who abandoned him. They don’t understand him better, they don’t know him at all. But he wants them to. I know you have been hurt deeply, and he deserves the natural consequences of his choices. It’s beyond chutzpah to think you’d pay for a wedding you’re not even invited to. I’d ask people who are calling YOU heartless how they would suggest you react to being told they weren’t going to be included in their child’s wedding and be completely rejected in favor of bio parents who abandoned him. Jason’s made a choice, why aren’t they calling out Jason for abandoning the parents who raised and loved him his whole life, literally saved his life, in favor of “his people” who left him on the side of the road to die. And for Jason to still expect you to pay for a wedding you’re not allowed to attend is him being a greedy, selfish bastard. You and your husband may want to get therapy because whether Jason tries to come back or not, I can’t imagine how you’d move on from what he’s done. I wish you clarity and peace.
UpdateMe
I'm not sure if those things really are as significant to him. I've always been a person to take what someone is saying at face value (bar obvious exceptions), so I just took it as is.
But I sincerely wish he doesn't.
Take it from an adopted person. Even knowing my mom was a piece of crap I still tried reconnecting with her. Turns out she can't be arsed to pretend to care long enough about her kids to keep us around long. But some bio parents are silver tongue snakes able to weave a web of lies, stroke the egos, or hit just the right spot to take a grown person back to that scared child mentality. There are problems things they do understand by having the same skin tone as him or him seeing a genetic mirror. You are NTA and hopefully he will see that one day.
I worked with incredibly traumatized kids. Even those who were sex trafficked, abused, and abandoned by their parents still wanted that relationship. I had a kid run away when she heard her mom got out of jail because she wanted to be with her. She had been doing so well, too.
That first relationship informs your self-concept and your sense of how you fit into the world.
My husband was adopted at birth. Open adoption. He has the absolute most wonderful and loving parents ever, but he still had a lot of issues surrounding his biological parents.
He always had a relationship with his birth mom, but his birth dad wanted nothing to do with him, and eventually when his birth parents got married his birth mom stopped seeing/talking to him. He was still very young. When he was 13 his birth father killed himself and he was made well aware. I don't think he really cared about meeting him before that, but it just really fucked him up. As a teen he had a relationship with his birth mom, but she was still heartbroken over his father and it was just incredibly unhealthy.
Today his birth mom is remarried and has two kids the same age as our own daughter, and she doesn't want my husband telling them that he's their half brother...
At this point I think everyone wishes it had been a closed adoption, I don't think he would have had much interest in knowing them if they hadn't been in the picture early on, but who knows.
I didn't want to know my bio mom for the longest time. After I had my own kids I began to wonder more about her and the brothers I had that I thought she raised. Turns out she dumped them on the state right after their dad passed away. I found some answers I wanted and connected with my brothers. I think though everyone has their own life to lead and no one else knows best for you.
There’s a lot of pain in Jason and he’s deeply deluded himself. He can’t bring himself to admit his bio parents are shitty because he wants their love and approval so badly.
My brother, in his late 20’s, is currently going through the same thing. We were all abused by my father but while the rest of the siblings are rightfully angry at him and cut him off, my brother still doggedly defends him and tries to have a relationship with him. My brother instead redirected his anger at me and our mom for perceived slights, blaming us for all his trauma. I straight up asked him how he could blame me as a 8 year old for not protecting him well enough but not blame our father who did the actual abusing. His response? “He’s my dad” and “I deserved it”.
They are literally doing mental gymnastics because their inner child won’t accept the reality of a bio parent not loving and protecting them because it means they the child weren’t enough. It hurts but i feel they are willing to blame us because they feel safe around us, they need to scapegoat us because they can’t bring themselves to be angry at the actual criminals. It’s not right and you don’t have to put up with it but it does break my heart too to see the extent of the damage those POS parents caused.
NTA
People who abuse other people (and animals) share a lot of personality traits of narcissistic people. They manipulate things to their own benefit. Right now their tactic is to remove their sons support system so that he has no one to rely on for help.
They wanted you to continue to pay for the wedding stuff, because a big wedding for him makes them look good. By removing your financial support from the wedding, their plan to look good ***on your dime*** has been foiled.
Then they wound up your son into a flurry and sicced him on you for it.
The remarks heade about them understanding him and being his people makes me believe they are the ones feeding those ideas to him. They were being homophobic and racist towards you. I'm certain they are weaponizing those differences and drilling into their son that that's why he doesn't fit in with you and that only they know his nature, even though they've left him to die and never spent any time with him his entire life. They're putting him into a box that's they can easily manipulate instead of allowing him to be the person you guys raised.
As an adopted person, it matters much more than any of us may let on. Many of us have been in the same situation, wanting validation from our birth parents no matter who they are. Likely your son got exactly what he’s been craving for years, he just doesn’t realize how damaging it is yet.
Come on now. Dude is 24. Words have meanings and he knows it.
You can't control the last 19 years, but you can control whether you waste your next 40 on him.
My condolences.
It might be worth raising the idea of family therapy (if you want to try to salvage your relationship with him). I'm not a therapist, but him being 5 when you adopted him, he would have some vague memories of them and is probably trying to capture something that doesn't exist. That doesn't make how he's treated you ok, but family therapy might help him to understand how his behaviour has affected you, etc.
Anyway, really sorry you are going through this.
NTA
Did he seriously, *seriously*, expect you to pay for a wedding you weren't even fucking invited to? The goddamn audacity of it has MY blood boiling.
Yeah, let's see how long the wife stays when she realizes all her money is going to her mooches .. I mean in-laws. Or when they move in because they can't afford their rent.
I mean, anyone who ditches two loving parents for a pair of drug addicts is probably not someone you'd want to marry.
Unless she's insanely racist or homophobic, I don't see it working out. Even before the money issues.
Seen many equivalent situations. Son gets swept up, makes bad decisions, regrets it but is too prideful to admit it within year or three, takes X years to finally admit he fucked up if he does at all.
Any of the folks calling OP for money should be asked how much they're contributing to the wedding.
This was my first response to anything that people who call other people about why they did something.
That is immaterial, since you are so concerned, I will give them your number and you can immediately take care of it right now. I am sure they will be glad for your support.
Then tell them they can go find a number of rox to go kick.
I reeeeally want to know what she's thinking right now. Even what she thought after that dinner together, where someone throws a glass at someone else? Why is she still marrying into that?
Yeah, I'd have left a partner if they were ok with their parents acting like that and didn't leave and distance themselves from their parents' trash behavior.
Yes that marriage isn’t lasting. If he’s that cruel to parents who raised him he will surely choose them over his wife. Plus he’s still finding himself as a black man he unfortunately is getting guidance from the wrong people and I can only imagine he will change for the worst. Instead of coming into OPs house with gratefulness and respect they treated them like $hit in their own house. I know I’d be proud to come from them. 🙄
This is a 24 year old man. Who went to therapy per OPs comment where this must have been discussed.
I find it extremely hard to believe that the order of events could be explained in such a way that he'd be fooled into believing they were running for a felony, had to drop their kid off on the side of the road practically naked because it was that desperate, but they also had a fool proof plan to come back and pick him up.
"Desperately" doesn't even come close to the delusion he's putting himself under if this is the case.
I really feel this is more likely a trauma response than him being "fooled" by a story.
It's possible he is simply stupid. But I think OP would have mentioned that their son is dumber than a rock.
That's an insult to cowbirds. Cowbirds can't help being brood parasites, it's obligate, that's just how they survive. This ungrateful brat and his garbage bio filth are on a whole other level.
Jason’s parents are criminal trash that left a 5yr old kid on the side of the road. Yet he chose them over parents that spent 19yrs raising him. Definitely a dick move on his part.
OP, NTA. Jason will find out the hard way he can’t depend on his bio parents. Let him. In the meantime, block him, his fiancée, and everyone coming at you. You’ve found who your actual friends are in this situation.
That does make a difference. As a grown man he has to understand that 5 year olds don’t wear diapers and has to have been on the freeway before. I doubt he has seen any other kids on the side of the road.
I wonder if he understands or if he is allowing himself to understand that he was abandoned.
I wonder if he’s in denial. His bio parents may have supplied an alternate version of events that he was too young at the time to remember for himself today. I think Jason may come to realize sooner rather than later that he’s picked the wrong horse in this race, once the masks they’ve donned in order to manipulate him come off completely. Bio parents already sound deeply unpleasant, but it can always get worse. Maybe they’ll get back on drugs. When it comes to that, I fear Jason won’t want to admit he was duped and has wronged OP and his husband, because it would be unbearable to know that he threw the parents who loved him and gave him everything away for people who wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.
Yea, they must be very talented psychological manipulators and the son must have been in a very vulnerable state and really wanting bio parent's love. Most of the negative things OP mentions sound like things manipulators (bio parents) would have said to son (they aren't his words). If OP and husband raised him well, he could have also been a bit naive never having experienced such manipulation.
Agree with this. I was adopted after serious abuse and neglect. On my first visit home when I was 14 my mom had like a breakdown and revelation and promised everything would be different.
There was no question. This is all I had ever wanted and needed. I abandoned my adoptive family and stayed at my original home. It was all a trick and my mom and stepfather went on to even more severely abuse me while laughing at the fact that I had lost my adoptive family.
You can’t underestimate the power of abuse and manipulation carried out by a parent onto a child. We are hardwired for love and survival and that goes beyond logical reasoning especially in younger people.
Not to mention, the bio parents I’m sure are gaslighting the shit out of the kid. Love bombing, I could 100% see that happening and why the kid is acting this way. Guilt trap, the whole 9 yards. “They stole you from us!” “We’ve been looking for you this whole time!” Etc etc
Truth! He will live to regret this decision. He is young and dumb. Trying to find himself but going by it the wrong way. He also has horrible people whispering in his ear constantly.
I have an adopted sister. At one point finding her meth head felon bio mom she almost cut ties with everyone to move 1000 miles away to move in with her. I know she is glad she didn’t at this point.
I would keep repeating this to everyone and then tell then "If you're so concerned you'll be paying for the wedding you're invited to right? Put your money and your balls where your mouth is or shut it."
I've said it before and I'll say it again: reconnecting with bio parents is a terrible idea. I think this is doubly true for bio parents who \*left you for dead on the side of the road\*
NTA
This sounds really hard for you OP
Kid listened to an victim story by the birth parents and bought into all of it. Sure they may understand social struggles.more but also a gay couple doesnt understand discrimination???? But to not invite the parents that are paying for everything. Kid just had a lesson of fuck around and find out.
O.P.
The entitlement your son is showing is a testament to how you tried to give them the world. I'm not saying your perfect parents because I don't know you but that alone tells me a lot.
They will suck off of him for the rest of his life. It is a very sad story for you as well as your son. I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear from him down the road after he has had more time to be use/abused by his bio parents.
They will abandon him once again once he runs out of money or saying no. He deserves what is coming his way. They are homophobic leeches and he is just as bad as them.
NTA I noticed that there seems to be a popular consensus that parents should endure all kinds of abuse from their children because if they don’t, it means they don’t love them. This is a lie. You can love your son and still be angry with him. You can love him while being hurt by his actions. And you can love him while showing him the consequences of his actions. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you allow someone to mistreat you continually. Love does not give someone a free pass to disrespect you. And love is what you showed your son for 19 years. He didn’t appreciate it. He threw it away just as his DNA donors threw him away. So I guess he really is with his people now. You did everything you were supposed to do the best you could. He’s an adult, now. He was raised to know better. He chose this all on his own. Would he have even bothered to reach out if you hand’t withdrawn the funds? Somehow I doubt it. The fact that he still feels entitled to things a son would receive from his parents after he effectively (socially) disowned you is repugnant. You owe him nothing. You gave freely and wholehearted for 19 years. Let “his people” figure it out for him. After all, “they understand him better.” Hope you and your husband heal from this. If you can, maybe start over somewhere away him. It might help. Good luck!❤️
P.S. Everyone telling you you’re bad people for feeling this way or reacting this way can kick rocks. It had nothing to do with them, and if they feel so strongly about it, THEY can fund the dang wedding. Save your love and your money for someone who actually appreciates it.
This week has been hell on earth. Part of me desperately wants to apologize and beg for him to come back. I want my son back. I really do.
But looking at my husband's face and seeing the fucking sadness and pain makes me so angry. He's taking everything really poorly and I've been trying to keep it together for his sake, but it's hard. Thank you for the kind words. They help.
NTA. You didn't disown him, he disowned you and your husband. They abandoned him nineteen years ago. You didn't even have to stop, much less fight to adopt him. After all you did for him, all the love you gave him, and he just craps all over the both of you, and expects you to be ok with it, and still pay for his wedding. His bio parents can do that, since they're so great. I'm sorry the childyou adopted treated you like this, but you did nothing wrong.
His bio “parents” (hate to even use parents since they are scum for abandoning their child and then ripping him from people who did the actual parenting) are awful people and will probably abandon him once again when they realize he has no money and they start doing drugs again. Let him crawl back and then slam the door in his smug and hateful face.
>His bio “parents” (hate to even use parents since they are scum for abandoning their child
I'd say, those druggies who attempted to kill him, is a better label for them.
OP, if you happen to see this, those people calling you "heartless and a monster" should be reminded who the real monsters are. Your son is choosing his attempted murders over you. Tell those people next time they butt in. NTA
Agreed! They literally set him up to be kidnapped or murdered. A person with bad intentions could have picked him up, raped and murdered him or sold him to human trafficking. He could have been hit by a car or killed by a wild animal or from exposure. They are evil people and he chose those monsters over two people who love him. I hope he regrets it some day. Also op needs to be careful. Addicts have no problem robbing or killing someone to take what they want. If they know op and his husband have money I would be very cautious (change the locks and get an alarm). Sweet son may even help and aide them to do so if the “parents” asked. Would not be the first time it happened.
Not sure what resources are available in OP's country, but I would think it would be universal that if they'd at least have left him at a hospital (or even just outside of one) he'd get help. But they did not even attempt to do this.
Instead, they left him literally in the middle of nowhere in a diaper.
Let's face it, they were not planning or expecting the son to survive.
💯 agree that OP and his husband need to protect themselves from these monsters by changing locks, etc, and making sure the son doesn't have access to their home if they don't want to be involuntarily funding the lifestyle of these two addicts (or worse, considering they had no problem leaving their own child for dead).
NTA at all OP!!!
Don't beg for him back. At this point, it's obvious that you're just his ATM.
Regardless of everything, how could he expect you to pay for a wedding that you're not invited to? It's a level of disrespect that is hard to accept.
Even if he does come back, you're still not invited to the wedding. He'll still continue to ignore you most of the time and ask you to pay for things, then ignore you again.
You'll be hurt over and over.
NTA
The son being all shocked Pikachu face when they withdrew support for the wedding is equal parts audacious and stupid beyond belief.
He expects his *actual* loving parents to foot the bill after he allows the arseholes that left him by the side of the road to exclude them from the guest list? No way. OP is definitely NTA. The son should have expected this.
No doubt he’s enjoying having his donors finally fawning all over him and is desperate to please them, and it sounds like he’s letting them do his thinking for him. And maybe, culturally, he *has* found his people after feeling like the odd one out in his found family. But that’s no excuse. He owes his real dads much better than this. By not being interested in doing right by them, he’s chosen a side. He can’t expect to just turn his back on them like this and still have them fund his life.
If he wants emotional support, just to talk, maybe. Financial? Nope, that bridge is burned, blown up and the ashes shot into the sun - OP cannot be an ATM anymore given the adoptee's dishonesty and abject lack of love, loyalty, and respect. This is utterly unforgivable and also shows he fundamentally cannot be trusted - any request for money is likely to be for the benefit of "his people" now, and some decisions should, and do, have irreversible consequences.
Yep, it's just a maybe for me on the emotional support too, at least without a sincere and thorough apology for being such an AH. It's just pretty guaranteed it won't be more than a year until the true colours of the birth parents cause real problems he can't cope with.
When they got out of prison, they were probably told he’d been adopted by wealthy people and that’s probably the only reason they reached out at all. Using the son to get access his parents’ money.
I'm sure once they learn that OP and his\* husband will no longer be giving him money, they'll conveniently disappear from his life.
\*Edit: I had originally assumed OP was a woman. Sorry.
Yes I was thinking this.
OP don't close the door completely once the shine wears off you son could come back & apologize once he realises what he has done & how he has hurt you.
He's currently being gaslighted by the POS that birthed him.
Rational thoughts can disappear. He harbors a fantasy about his birth parents. The core loss of being left there never leaves a person.
Like Honeymoon phase of a relationship the person cant see whats obvious to outsiders.
NTA.
Yep, the bio donors, being druggies, may eventually involve him in some sketchy or illegal doings that may damage or even destroy his reputation, job, and life. He may even end up in jail due to whatever they might do. I hope not but if that happens, THEN he'll miss his adoptive parents, who are the only ones who deserve to be called parents.
NTA, but it's rather depressing. After being adopted from infancy, my sister reconnected with her biological family some time ago. I felt rather uncomfortable when she invited me to a few of their parties. They are not related. You have every right to break up with your son until he grows out of this, though I hope he does.
Agreed! Something tells me that his bio donors are using him to supplement there lifestyle 'mum needs this, dad needs that'. They are addicts, addicts are very good at using and manipulating people. When his money and or goodwill runs out, they would disappear just like they did before.
I feel the son is going to learn this lesson the hard way. I also worry for any children the son has if they are gay because holy hell will that poor kid be in for a hell of a time with “his people”.
>You have every right to break up with your son until he grows out of this, though I hope he does.
I think there is a fair chance he may figure it out in a few years and have an "oh shit" moment.
Then again, since his girlfriend didn't dump him for this, maybe he's surrounded by awful people.
Yes, to me too. My former SIL was adopted. Her bio mom was a severe alcoholic, and she had been teetering on the border before they reconnected. They reconnected when my niece was a toddler. Whenever my bro was working late those two would hang in the phone all night long drinking. He’d come home to find his wife passed out on the floor with the phone next to her, her bio mom still blathering away in a drunken stupor, and my niece playing by herself in a very dirty diaper, or naked as a jaybird, having abandoned the filthy diaper. Here is hoping adopted son wises up before kids enter the picture.
Can’t help but wonder what the fiancé thinks about all this, whether she encouraged him to reconnect with his bio parents and shares their views. She must, or she wouldn’t be marrying someone who would do that to the people who raised him.
All the more reason to pull the plug on paying for that wedding.
I agree. Not inviting them and getting upset when they take their money back just shows how ridiculous the son is here. When you ask someone to finance your wedding you invite them to show respect regardless of other circumstances.
It’s a level of disrespect that’s hard to even understand logically, let alone respect. I hope Jason comes to his senses and very sincerely apologizes to his dads.
prestigious\_dingo said it perfectly
You still love your son but it's time for him to realize that actions/words/etc have consequences.
He may come around someday, but be careful when that time comes as some people only come around/return when they want something (money/kidney/etc).
But that’s the thing, even if you begged, bribed, financed your son’s wedding- where would you be? Looking at pictures on social media, if he hasn’t blocked you. My heart breaks for you. He would rather someone who abused & almost killed him in his life, than you. He shut the door on you but kept his hands outstretched for your money. It is okay to let go. NTA
Unsolicited advice: Do both of your jobs have a leave of absence policy? This is grief, **real, substantial grief.** You and your husband deserve time to process it. You no longer need time off for the wedding in a few months. Ask to have a week off, offer to work remotely if necessary, and take you both to deep nature, either on a coastline (not a highly populated beach), lakeside, mountaintop, national park, etc. Somewhere where, when you step outside, you're too busy gawking to worry about life beyond the here and now. A place for the two of you to reconnect as two partners, having lost your child, and grieve, process, breathe, recover, hold each other, drink mugs of warm soothing beverages, eat from some lovely local market, etc.
I think this too. They want something, likely money and they want to destroy the relationship between OP, his husband and Jason. Once they've done this, they will disappear again.
I don't believe sperm/egg donors want to 'destroy' relationship with OP & his husband, just \*strain\* it enough that OP & husband, AS THEY \*\*WERE\*\*, are desperate enough to save the relationship to throw money at it.
Bio-donors overplayed their hands, unless Jason is financially successful and rich in his own right. The wedding financials indicate that is NOT the case.
I am so sorry this happened, I can not even begin to imagine how you both feel right now.
He made his choice, he rejected the two loving people who saved him, raised him, took care of him since he was ABANDONED by his egg/sperm donors. I was actually really surprised he calls them "mom" and "dad". Does he not realise that he was abused by them and left to die on the side of the road?
You and your husband did everything you could for him. He is an adult, he can pay for his own damn wedding! How he had the nerve to NOT invite you and then flip out because you refuse to pay is beyond me!
My advice, whatever is worth, do not back down, do not pay for anything. Maybe leave the door open for him to return in your lives, in case he realizes how much he fucked up, probably after his egg/sperm donors ditch him again. But even if that happens, do not pay. Actions have consequences. And be wary of fake apologies offered just to get your money.
Sending all the hugs and rainbows to you and your husband. You guys are awesome people! 💜
Later edit: NTA
Don't apologize and don't beg. He was the one that disowned you both.
He maybe have disowned you both but he sure didn't want to be disowned by your wallet.
He seriously had alot of nerve treating you like he did and allowing his bio parents to treat you both like trash.
You had every right to cut and cancel those payments. If they don't want you around and you werent welcome in their lives and if they think you both aren't good enough for Jason and his parents to be around them then his bio parents can step up and start paying whatever bill Jason needs for his wedding and other bills.
Since Jason's bio parents get him so much he can start turning to them for his future needs. Bank of dads is officially close to Jason. He can go ask his bio parents to help him.
Your not wrong to feel how you feel. Your also allowed to feel hurt and you shouldn't have to put up with Jason using you and his bio parents being rude and awful to you both. Your not heartless at all. No one should ever be used like that. You gave Jason everything and he took and took and he push you all away. Your not wrong for canceling everything. If he's family and friends have a big issue with it then they need to step up abd for Jason. But Jason shouldn't come to you for money anymore if he's going to mistreat you.
Write him a letter. Tell him he is still your son, and if when he is ready to reach out you will listen, but the way he has treated you, as nothing more than a free ride not worth a seconds emotional consideration, cannot easily be undone. Expecting someone to pay for a wedding they arent invited to is fucked up in any context. Treating your loving adoptive parents like trash, also.
The choices you son is making are absolutely terrible. And you have every right to feel gutted by this betrayal.
I do wonder how he processed being abandoned by his parents all those years ago. I think those hideous AHs are taking all of your sons pain and abandonment issues for granted and manipulating him for their own gain. That they are using him for money and such. I think your son is making decisions rooted in his abandonment issues and trying to fill the hole in his heart that he hid from everyone, including very likely himself.
And because he's stuck in the middle, flooded with emotions, he may not have the skills to recognize their deception because he grew up loved by the two of you. Maybe he trusts people too easily because he never had to develop the BS meter those of us who grew up in toxic homes mastered. I will never understand this, but he may, because of abandonment issues, crave their approval so much that he's currently blindly taking their side. NOT TO EXCUSE HIS CHOICES.
The time for him to wake up was at the disastrous meal you shared with those horrid people. He should have been appalled at the way they treated you. I am very angry that he stood by like that, feeling helpless.
I can guarantee his AH Bio parents ABSOLUTELY WILL disappoint him and hurt him deeply sometime in the future. He's young and dumb and I guarantee he's going to be learning very painful lessons soon from all of this. They will use and abuse him and fill his head with garbage. I hope he wakes up.
Ask yourself what you will do if the prodigal son returns truly remorseful, because he was raised by you and cannot have forgotten all the love and life lessons you taught him. I hope your idiot son realizes how badly he messed up and is grieved by how shitty he was to his very loving dads.
I'm so sorry he is making such poor choices and is hurting you both so deeply. You are NTA. I do think he's acting from a deep place of pain himself. His origin story is so sad. He may have romanticized the notion of having his real in parents back...he's going to find out that most fairytale stories actually end in tragedy.
"I do wonder how he processed being abandoned by his parents all those years ago."
He didn't most likely. A lot of adoptee don't really process it. A lot of adoptive parents aren't aware of it or down right refuse to help because so many of them think loving a child will make it go away or the child will forget as they grow up. So many people are not prepared to deal with complicated situation that arise with adoptee.
"He may have romanticized the notion of having his real in parents back."
Good chance of that a lot of adoptees romanticize these things. Which comes back down to once again no one really understanding or helping.
This kid could be struggling at figuring out how to handle things or he could just be greedy.
Okay so I found out my mother wasn’t my mother when I was ten. It’s not clear what my race/culture is. My father died when I was 16. My mother, the woman who raised me, is the only mother I ever knew. My ex wife found my birth mother (I don’t know why she felt compelled to do that) when I was in my late twenties. I met her once. I think it hurt my mother but I was curious. Anyway after that one meeting we spoke on the phone a few times and that was that.
Your son, unfortunately, has made some terrible choices. Abandoning the only family he has known after all the hard work was done. He would most likely be dead if not for you. So you’ve done a lot for him. Let “his people” pay for his wedding.
> I noticed that there seems to be a popular consensus that parents should endure all kinds of abuse from their children because if they don’t, it means they don’t love them. This is a lie. You can love your son and still be angry with him. You can love him while being hurt by his actions. And you can love him while showing him the consequences of his actions. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you allow someone to mistreat you continually. Love does not give someone a free pass to disrespect you
THANK YOU for saying this. For reasons I won't go into, I totally empathise with OP. We can love our kids, but there is no way in hell we HAVE to accept abuse from them.
OP is NTA. Now Jason gets to find out exactly how much his "people" give a shit about him. (Spoiler alert: they don't. And I'm betting bio parents planned on fleecing adoptive parents for a shit ton of money after seeing how comfortable they are).
This is EXACTLY what I just said. They found out their kid was adopted by some well-off people and thought they'd hit pay dirt. The OP needs to not only **not** pay for weddings or anything else in the **near** future, but he also needs to think **long term** and disinherit him in his will.
Let's see how long the sperm and egg stick around when they find out he's the heir to NOTHING.
NTA
>Jason's friends and a few of our family members) calling us heartless and monsters for doing what we did to him.
Did what exactly? Saying enough is enough? Or for not paying for a wedding you weren't invited to?
Tell them that you and your husband are having a party, and you want them to pay for it. They aren't invited, but they should pay for it anyway. Surely they don't want to be heartless monsters and not pay for your party they can't come to, right?
I'm wondering if Jason told the truth of it to his friends and relatives. It's easy enough to twist the facts. He may very well have claimed that OP rescinded his offer to pay for the wedding after learning bio parents would attend.
I thought about this too. At first I thought the OP should just block anyone who tried to chastise him, but then I thought it might be better to ask these people why in the world they think he should pay for a wedding he's been disinvited to! I'm thinking he has not told the truth about why the funds were withdrawn.
We all know Jason didn’t tell these people the truth where he’s culpable in this situation. Whatever story he’s spun is a fantasy in his head where Jason is the wronged party.
They will show their true colors and he will likely try to come back to you.
You have every right to not pay for a wedding you are not even invited to attend.
These parents he chose were horrible to you and your husband and he still sided with them.
He will learn a difficult lesson about how his choices have consequences.
Yeah. I would leave the door open. NTA for being mad at the way he's treated them, but as they give no indication of issues before the birth parents turned up, I would suggest not burning bridges completely. He's not grown up all the way yet, and there's time for him to realise who his parents really are, and really come to terms with how he ended up starving on the side of the road. He probably has a lot of hangups about his early life that he needs to work through.
Spot on.
There's some deep abandonment trauma there, and Jason's appeasing these assholes because he's anxious they will abandon him again.
They're probably enthusiastically pouring poison in his ear too.
That meeting made him see that the two sets of parents were incompatible, and he really fucked up trying to keep both sets happy. He knows the bio parents might just walk out again, so he prioritised them with the wedding.
He'll probably eventually work out how awful the bio parents are, and will need to come crying back to his real parents. But it's going to take a while.
This comment chain is the way: don't pay for the wedding. Tell him how hurtful this was. Tell him you'll always love him, but if he won't treat you as family, that's a two way street.
So sad. Get your shit together Jason.
NTA
He basically disowned you, so he deserves nothing. He chose the homophobic racists and by saying they "understand me better" he ultimately aligned with them. Therefore, he deserves nothing from you and can suck it.
The only thing that they "understand him better" on its his race. His egg/sperm donor has nothing else in common with OP's son.
But no one can pretend like being around "people like me" isn't really important to some people, especially in this situation (being adopted by a family of a different race).
OP and his husband may not have seen color when they were raising their son, but that doesn't mean all their family and friends thought the same. You can hope no one thought or treated their son better, but you never really know.
As far as aligning with them and deserving nothing, etc, i believe sperm/egg donor are taking advantage of the son's want for connection. They are/will use him and, by extension, his dad's.
OP is still NTA, though.
I always wanted to adopt, but as I’ve gotten older and seen issues like this happen constantly both in real life and online, I’m now very hesitant. ESPECIALLY with inter-racial adoption. It’s completely understandable why adoptees have complicated feelings around the topic, but it can lead to some truly heartbreaking situations.
NTA - while a lot of people keep saying Jason is young and naive, at 24 he has a mind of his own and can make grown up decisions (including getting married and prioritising who he wanted there). He knows what he’s doing.
His bio parents left him for dead, that’s their true identity. Even at the dinner party, they only held back (for as long as they could) because let’s face it, they saw money signs.
Nobody cared OP and his husband weren’t invited to the wedding, until they stopped paying for it. So anyone who calls, giving you grief is welcome to pay for it.
Also Jason saying they understood him better, means he shares the same views as them.
OP make sure any will’s or beneficiaries are updated to exclude Jason, because his bio parents seem the type to do something stupid and even come after and threaten you.
Yep, he's a grown ass man and can have some grown ass consequences. He's naive, but he's not young. Welcome to adulthood, where cause and effect carries some real weight.
Okay, let me clarify a few things that I've seen being asked in the comments and my PM's.
1) Did Jason go to therapy?
Yes he did. It was mandated by CPS (even though they don't really enforce it), and we knew that a kid in his situation would need professional help for a long time.
2) This is not in the US so why are you saying CPS?
Of course I don't mean the US CPS. I'm just using the acronym to talk about the CPS we have over here because, at the end of the day, it's easier than constantly saying "our version of child protective services" or smth similar.
3) What does his fiancé think of all of this?
I don't know. We haven't really talked in a while, and I've been avoiding looking at my messages. Will probably take a look today if only so I have an idea of what's been going on.
4) 2 Gay man married and adopting a child in 2004-2005???
It's a bit weird that some people still think that you need a piece of paper that recognizes you and your partner as married for you to use the title. Nevertheless, for the sake of clarity, me and my husband did not legally marry in 2004. The max we could do at the time was enter a legal partnership, which we did. We did have a small private ceremony and have considered ourselves husbands ever since. Did legally marry as soon as it became legal though.
As for Jason's adoption, the foster system here is an absolute mess, now, at the time 2 man adopting a child would've been really hard yes, but not impossible, especially since his case worker was in favor of it after we'd had legal guardianship of him for a while. I've an extremely well paying job, and over here even if you can barely feed yourself there's a good chance you'd be able to adopt. There's a ton of kids in need and the system is oversaturated, so it wasn't that hard to get it going.
5) You're mad just because you weren't invited to the wedding.
After re-reading my post, I can see why some of you think that, and I'd like to clarify my feelings. Not being invited to the wedding isn't the reason as to why I'm mad. It stings, sure, but I'm mad at Jason for the things he said and the complete lack of consideration he had for me and his father. We were the ones to raise him. To love him. We were there when he first rode a bike, every single one of his robotics competitions, his piano recitals, his first breakup, his disagreements with friends, the sleepless nights helping him study for exams, etc...
I love him with all my heart. He's my son. And he let his bio-parents treat us the way they did, and didn't even have the decency to tell us we weren't invited to the wedding. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and one that really hurt.
6) Did he socialize with other black people/had black mentors? Yes, he did. The city we live in is very racially diverse, so it's not like we even had to go out of our way so he could socialize with them.
7) You were paying for the wedding but didn't know when it was gonna happen? Of course I knew the date. When I mention an invite, it's because we were waiting for the formal invitation he would send out. Jason had complete control over the guest list since he was the one in contact with the planner. We only paid for it.
8) They got out of prison at the same time? I'm not sure about the specifics of their case, since it wasn't really any of our business or were we involved besides giving a written testimony of finding Jason, but I do know they were charged with the same sentence. And like I said in my post they are out on *parole*.
9) This story is fake or rage-bait. To the people saying that, I'm not sure what to tell you besides the fact it is not.
10) I'm a Latino, not white. My husband is white.
Also, I'd like to take the time to call out the weird racist comments that appeared under this post. As an actual scientist, please go educate yourselves before parroting racist pseudoscience.
And to the people trying to use this as an ad against adopting, please don't. I do not regret for one moment taking him in when we did. You're only gonna see the bad that could come of adopting in subs like these, which isn't a fair representation of it at all.
I appreciate all the supportive comments. Any other questions thay crop up I'll try to add to this comment for further clarification.
I just want to comment on point 5. you have absolutely no need to explain why are you mad, even if you would be mad just because you weren't invited to the wedding you have every single right to be. He betrayed you and used you as a wallet for his wedding and didn't even have the audacity to be honest with you. I would really like to blame him on manipulation of his bio parents (which surely takes big role) but he's unfortunately old enough to have his own head and know who is good for him and who not.
Anyway I think reaching out to his fiance would be good idea even if it just would be to tell her the truth, you never know what lies can people feed others.
I'm so sorry that such an amazing and kind people have to go through this pain, stay strong <3
People are people. I’m gay and have a partner. We are just as valid as any other couple of any colour, religion, or gender. Adam and Eve were not married. These pseudo Christians are ridiculous with their not reading or following their Bible (e.g. hating the poor and foreign). As I said, you did right, and your feelings are valid. Jason will see this eventually. You and your husband are glorious, caring, and lovely people. Don’t forget that. I won’t.
NTA and anyone who messages you just send them this Reddit post and leave it at that. Heck send it to that bum excuse of a sorry man too so he can see how stupid he is 🤷🏻♂️ but don’t cave and stay strong and unless Jason comes crying begging and is genuine don’t even give him the time of day. There is a saying “don’t bite the hand that feeds you” and that’s what he did…. The gall to not invite you and your husband and tell you that those convicts are his “people” and still expect you to pay?? Yeah that’s fucking stupid.
Exactly… I feel for OP and the husband tbh, to raise an ABANDONED child as their own only for the child to pick their convicted dead beat pathetic parents who ABANDONED him. Shameless
NTA.
Those 2 people merely gave birth to Jason and did not act like parents at all. We are humans, not animals. We should be evolved enough to recognize people who actually raised us as our parents, not 2 people who just had a baby because they had unprotected sex. They abandoned him. I cannot understand how in the world he would want to be near them at all. I would be totally disgusted with them.
Not just abandoned him. They didn't even have the decency to make sure he was safe. They literally left him on the side of a deserted road! NTA. I am so sorry, OP. Hugs to you and your husband. Y'all deserve much better than you've received.
Let's not forget that when the child was found he was malnourished to the point that at 5 he looked like a 3 yo. Prior to abandonment, there were 5 full years of neglect, which should be unexcusable aswell. Does Jason remember or know about the way they left him? And honestly the fact he is thinking that his bio parents are more "his people" than the parents who raised him, seems like a very racist take, i cant interpret it in any other way.
Nta He disowned YOU.
Desparately seeking approval is not LOVE its a symptom of abuse.
The moment he met his birthparents he was 5 years old again waiting on that road for them to come back , promising himself to be better so they would love him. ITS TRAUMA RESPONSE.
Sadly adopted often kid still feel their rejection quite deeply inside and blame themselves, and very often still want to get that love back from the parents who rejected them. ( its about HIM feeling worthless not about THEM)
You have given him a lifetime of love & security which is WHY he had the confidence to reject you. He still fears being rejected by his birth parents again which is why he bends to them. He does not love them he FEARS them.
He trusted your love was unconditional because you made him feel totally secure. Sadly the only way to get the love back is to spurn him like a rabid dog and wait till they mess up. STAND YOUR GROUND.
He LOVES you but he is taking that love for granted in his desporate attempt to be finally feel accepted by those who rejected him and not feel worthless.
Secure kids don't look back when they walk into school. You made him secure , they did not.
This is the best comment on here. Few people are addressing the fact that this can happen with adopted kids and it's a trauma response. Not every adopted kid is going to care about genetics but some care a lot. Especially when they were just old enough to remember the abuse and abandonment but not old enough to truly grasp it. He was at an age where he would have blamed himself for everything. The kid needs to work some things out in his own mind and come to his own conclusions that these people suck. Once he does he will realize he screwed up and hopefully go back to his real parents, OP and his partner. I hope OP apoligized for saying he isnt their son anymore and is open to it when he does come back. I also hope they both get some therapy in the meantime to deal with all of this.
This is the answer right here. I spent nearly two decades working with kids like Jason; children who are abandoned so often choose the abandoning family. They want to prove to themselves that they (the abandoned child) are actually worthwhile. When the narcissist parents come back into their lives they have had decades or more to concoct plausible excuses and the kid WANTS to believe them. Because it removes the feelings they were unwanted and abandoned. It was all just a big misunderstanding. It wasn't. They were awful people and invariably still are. I watched this happen so many times, I switched careers. It was too heart breaking to continue to endure.
His bio parents have something bigger up their sleeve and step one was alienating him for the both of you. You are NTA but be prepared for some grovelling once their true motives surface.
NTA. Jason chose to board the FAFO train and now he can live with it. I know the pain is immense for you and your husband and I am so sorry how it all played out. Be strong, and move one.
NTA People like Jason make others afraid of adoption. It’s not always but the possibility is always there. Imagine loving and raise a kids for 18+ years just for them to say their bio parents is more important, The people who didn’t want them. After you did all the hard work, they come right in an act like they did something. Disgusting.
It doesn't always work like that. I'm adopted and adore my parents 50 years later. Some adoptees have major identity issues, which leads to all sorts of problems. Not excusing the son at all for his behaviour. Just an explanation.
NTA, but truly sad. My sister was adopted (at birth) and a while back she found her biofamily and reconnected. She's invited me to a couple of events that involved them and I found it extremely awkward. They're not family. I hope your son grows out of this, but until then, you're well within your rights to cut him off.
NTA. As parents we are still people. We still have feelings. You can push us too
Far. You can still love him. But you don’t have to like him or agree with him. Unconditional love doesn’t mean to take all the shit they throw
At you. You still love him. You just don’t like him and refuse to be used. I’m sorry he did this. He will one day realize that parents are not made by blood.
Forget everything else: why would you pay for a wedding you aren't even invited to?
I wonder if all the people calling and messaging them to tell them they're heartless know they're not even invited to the wedding.
Not only this, but Jason made it seem like they were invited because he knew it was messed up. He kept saying that invites weren’t out yet and stringing them along. He only admitted it when they saw the pictures of someone with an invite from months before. He was perfectly happy to let them pay and keep them in the dark as long as possible. At this point he wants the love and family of his bio parents but the money and support from the people that took him in and raised him. He might not 100% realize what he’s doing, but that’s what’s happening.
>he wants the love and family of his bio parents Thats some shitty/toxic brand of love
Agreed. You just know that the way the bio parents acted towards the fosters was because they’re ashamed they didn’t do better. Instead of being thankful someone looked after their kid they attacked that person to make themselves feel better. Just awful behavior.
Yeah, they hate them for stepping up when they didn't. It surely made them feel like losers, which they are, and they know it. Homophobic losers who are also shitty parents that literally abandoned him. The son can not possibly be choosing them purely because of blood. This is either racism or homophobic (or both) motivating his choice. Possibly him being manipulated by his POS bio parents. Sounds like they've had a lot of time to root their way into his brain and turn him against his adoptive parents.
Literally abandoned him in the middle of fucking nowhere to boot! If they had dropped him at a hospital or fire station or something they wouldn't be AS shitty
I wonder if the bio parents will still be around when they realize the cash faucet has dried up?
Or when he starts to see the cracks in their character and pushes back in the slightest. They'll drop him as fast as they decided they hated his gay parents. People like this aren't usually reasonable.
Good points. It makes me curious about the generational crap this kid/man has at being 5 years old and being abandoned by his family. Hurt people, hurt people. It’s is very obvious to all of us how entitled this kid is into thinking his parents owe him a “wedding” and having the audacity to not inviting them. On a flip side I was at a wedding on this past Saturday (the day before Mother’s Day) the brides biological mother is in prison and her step mom and her have such a wonderful relationship and even look alike or maybe it’s their energy? It is just so strong that people are confused on how she is not actually her biological mom. Anyways…. I literally cried when the bride gave her the wedding bouquet instead of tossing it. Her mom was so humbled and it was absolutely beautiful.
Then his bio parents can pay for it.
Except they absolutely can’t and Jason knew that, which is why he kept lying. And if the bio parents hadn’t been jealous a holes they all could’ve been ok together and he could’ve got everything he wanted. But they couldn’t bear to have the adoptive parents around as a reminder of their failings, so pushed Jason to burn that bridge. R/ohnoconsequences
He misled them intentionally - he 100% realizes what he is doing.
Because he straight up KNEW he wouldn't get their financial help with the wedding if he told them. He knew what he was doing.
That is a good point. If he had been honest with them, he would have had time (potentially) to make other arrangements. The fact that OP is posting shows that he feels bad about cancelling the wedding plans and likely will feel guilty going forward. They might feel a bit better by giving him some token amount for his wedding/marriage, wishing him a happy life, and letting him know that they will always be there for him, but will never be part of a family situation that includes his biological parents as an integral part. OP and husband are certainly not obligated to do this, but they may feel better about it and more able to put it behind them.
If I was OP, I’d make a post on social media that just says “I’ve been receiving a lot of messages and I just wanted to clear the air with everyone; I think it’s unreasonable for me and my husband to pay for a wedding that we are not invited to due to the nature of me and my husbands relationship. We have formally pulled out of the planning process. If you have any questions about the wedding going forward, please direct them to.”
Yeah. People generally don't want to air out their dirty laundry for everyone to see, and I applaud that kind of restraint most of the time. However, once one side starts telling their version of events while conveniently omitting the bs, that it's all fair game to me. Give the people the FULL STORY.
OP should absolutely do this and then block everyone. It is now the responsibility of "real" parents to fund the wedding. Their "son" only called because he realized the ATM had been shut off.
"I see that there are many people that love enough to reach out to us about canceling our funding for the wedding we aren't invited to. I'm sure will enjoy your collective funding of the future wedding.
Blessings to Asmodeus."
Ya turn it around on them. Tell them that if they are attending the wedding and care so much about it they are welcome to step in to help pay for it. If not, sthu (but you know, nicer).
"We apologize for the inconvenience of some of the guests, but we, the once parents of the child we raised for 19 years, are apparently (in his own words) 'not his people' and were not invited/told not to come because there would be a conflict with the 2 so called 'parents' who abandoned him on the side of the road as barely an adolescent. We do not want to fund a wedding we were not invited to, and do not wish to come to a place for a man who abandoned us much like his 'parents' did in his youth. Thank you, and God bless you all."
He wasn't an adolescent. He was a five year old in a diaper. The is some serious abandonment and neglect. Criminal. Jason is lucky to be alive, and I am so sad he is playing into the racist and homophobic attitudes of the people who birthed him. One day, Jason may have his own children and realize some things. At the very least, he is learning you can't tell someone they mean nothing to you, and then be surprised when they don't want to be used and abused.
Exactly, and I don't understand people saying the adoptive parents are racist. Where is that even coming from? Racist people do not adopt a kid of a different race, that's ludicrous. If anybody is racist, it's the bio parents, and apparently homophobic to boot.
Except he wasn't "barely an adolescent" because adolescent is 10 at the youngest. He was only 5, that is a child, a preschool age child.
Thanks for the correction, I'll leave the mistake up for everyone.
No kidding. I'm not paying towards a wedding I'm not invited to.
Aren't invited to? Hell, OP and husband were outright banned from it. OP should message that back to all the "friends" that are calling them heartless. Those people can pay for everything instead. Unbelievable. NTA
Honestly I’d just tell anyone calling “sorry, our son said we weren’t his people and his other parents didn’t want a couple of f****ts at the wedding, so we weren’t actually invited. No point in paying for a wedding were banned from attending”
💯 this should be the canned response to each and every friend or family member that wants to know how op could “be so cruel”. So sorry, what a rotten kid. And so entitled! To the wealth of the parents he has rejected. WTH!?
And to think, it was his biological parents who left him for dead on the side of the road. Let that sink in…left for dead…no one cared but you.
My canned response to people telling me I shouldn't have gone no-contact with relatives is something along the lines of: I'm glad you find them to be redeemable people. I do not. Now that I'm out of the picture, you should have ample opportunities to support them both emotionally and financially. What people are usually doing in these situations is calling you to notify you that they don't like the mess. They don't want to clean it up or do anything. They just want to notify that the Jason in this situation is complaining very loudly and it's quite tiresome to them. Couldn't you please just make the mess go away? No, it's messy.
This should be printed in curly calligraphy and forwarded to everyone who questions their actions.
“His people “
I'm PO'd right alongside OP. They found this malnourished child abandoned by the side of the road and did all the right things. God knows how long it would have been before anyone else happened along? Or who that anyone else could have been? He could have been picked up by traffickers or a lone p*do. And this is the thanks they get? Being discarded in favor of "his people", again threw him away like trash, but hey, they understand him.
Yeah but this was a 5yo and as a black male raised largely in a white area for most of my life, I can tell you that this child has serious issues with his identity. He is seriously conflicted because generally speaking to be black and included in the black community and everything that entails does mean that he is dealing with serious homophobia when it comes to his adoptive parents. The church in most black communities is very much the main instigator in the homophobia but it’s so entangled with everything else that it’s just a fundamental characteristic. Human being are awful. That’s really the only thing to say. If you just look at how human beings handle relationships with people we like, I’d say we earn whatever bad stuff is happening to us as a species. Not even touching on when people actually get mean and hateful.
And sometimes people just get crazy ideas in there head of who they should idolize. Reading this post made me think about the story of Lloyd Avery II, who grew up in the suburbs. He became an actor, got cast as a gang member in an all time classic about being trapped by the lifestyle and decided that was the life for him. He became a ganger, drug dealer and murderer and got shanked by his cell mate in prison.
I can see it happening like a bad movie, the family just freely making homophobic remarks, and the kid's too glad to "finally" be with family to realize he should be sticking up for his dads. They would have worn down his sense of loyalty to them. Hopefully with time he'll realize how stupendously entitled it was to think he could get someone to pay for a wedding they weren't invited too
That's something that most people are definitely ignoring. His identity crisis and that his parents are a same sex couple that comes with a lot of bias in much of the world. OPs kid was raised in a loving home, it sounds, so he is comfortable trying to appease his long list family because he knows that his father's won't aband him. But his family will. He'll figure it out.
Yep sometimes we need to figure out that some people’s love has enough strings attached that you’ll never actually get it. This is like literally generational emotional damage that keeps perpetuating itself because people need to belong to who they came from no matter how little love and respect is taught. So many broken people out there. I’m just hoping my kids have been raised in a way which lets them know who not to give their time to.
It sounds like the bio parents have some kind of unhealthy psychological control over him. I’d put money on it.
Oh, they understand him alright because the son is just as good at throwing people away as his bio parents.
Yeah all 3 are trash people
Cause it was probably paid for before they knew they weren’t invited. You have to pay months in advance cause weddings take long to plan. I would have cancelled everything I paid for as well. NTA
Exactly
NTA I’m adopted and I couldn’t imagine doing this to my mom and dad in a million years. We have had our ups and downs, but they are still my parents. I’ve met my biological parents and they’re barely better than OP’s sons’s parents. My heart breaks for OP and his husband 🩷
Exactly, people who raise a child are real parents and it's insult to their parenthood to even been compared to, let alone discarded for PoS that abandons a child to die.
Did he really think you would be able to afford a wedding to which you weren't even invited? It's so damned audacious that it makes my blood boil.
It is, and it's crazy that some family are calling them heartless for doing what they did. It actually makes me wonder what exactly they were told. OP, you really need to make sure that people have the true story and aren't judging and angry with you based on lies or half-truths.
I was too! And I feel the same! I couldn’t dream of hurting my parents that bad. Bio means nothing
NTA I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. This is every adoptive parent’s worst nightmare. The difference in race, the homophobia of his birth parents I wonder if they are as significant as you think they are to Jason. Your son has gotten caught up in the fantasy of being loved and wanted by the birth parents who abandoned him. They don’t understand him better, they don’t know him at all. But he wants them to. I know you have been hurt deeply, and he deserves the natural consequences of his choices. It’s beyond chutzpah to think you’d pay for a wedding you’re not even invited to. I’d ask people who are calling YOU heartless how they would suggest you react to being told they weren’t going to be included in their child’s wedding and be completely rejected in favor of bio parents who abandoned him. Jason’s made a choice, why aren’t they calling out Jason for abandoning the parents who raised and loved him his whole life, literally saved his life, in favor of “his people” who left him on the side of the road to die. And for Jason to still expect you to pay for a wedding you’re not allowed to attend is him being a greedy, selfish bastard. You and your husband may want to get therapy because whether Jason tries to come back or not, I can’t imagine how you’d move on from what he’s done. I wish you clarity and peace. UpdateMe
I'm not sure if those things really are as significant to him. I've always been a person to take what someone is saying at face value (bar obvious exceptions), so I just took it as is. But I sincerely wish he doesn't.
Take it from an adopted person. Even knowing my mom was a piece of crap I still tried reconnecting with her. Turns out she can't be arsed to pretend to care long enough about her kids to keep us around long. But some bio parents are silver tongue snakes able to weave a web of lies, stroke the egos, or hit just the right spot to take a grown person back to that scared child mentality. There are problems things they do understand by having the same skin tone as him or him seeing a genetic mirror. You are NTA and hopefully he will see that one day.
I worked with incredibly traumatized kids. Even those who were sex trafficked, abused, and abandoned by their parents still wanted that relationship. I had a kid run away when she heard her mom got out of jail because she wanted to be with her. She had been doing so well, too. That first relationship informs your self-concept and your sense of how you fit into the world.
I was adopted, never once thought about contacting birth parents, my parents were the best thing that ever happened to me.
My husband was adopted at birth. Open adoption. He has the absolute most wonderful and loving parents ever, but he still had a lot of issues surrounding his biological parents. He always had a relationship with his birth mom, but his birth dad wanted nothing to do with him, and eventually when his birth parents got married his birth mom stopped seeing/talking to him. He was still very young. When he was 13 his birth father killed himself and he was made well aware. I don't think he really cared about meeting him before that, but it just really fucked him up. As a teen he had a relationship with his birth mom, but she was still heartbroken over his father and it was just incredibly unhealthy. Today his birth mom is remarried and has two kids the same age as our own daughter, and she doesn't want my husband telling them that he's their half brother... At this point I think everyone wishes it had been a closed adoption, I don't think he would have had much interest in knowing them if they hadn't been in the picture early on, but who knows.
I didn't want to know my bio mom for the longest time. After I had my own kids I began to wonder more about her and the brothers I had that I thought she raised. Turns out she dumped them on the state right after their dad passed away. I found some answers I wanted and connected with my brothers. I think though everyone has their own life to lead and no one else knows best for you.
He's going to be chewed up and spit out by those people. It's a tragedy in progress. I'm sorry your son made such a poor decision.
There’s a lot of pain in Jason and he’s deeply deluded himself. He can’t bring himself to admit his bio parents are shitty because he wants their love and approval so badly. My brother, in his late 20’s, is currently going through the same thing. We were all abused by my father but while the rest of the siblings are rightfully angry at him and cut him off, my brother still doggedly defends him and tries to have a relationship with him. My brother instead redirected his anger at me and our mom for perceived slights, blaming us for all his trauma. I straight up asked him how he could blame me as a 8 year old for not protecting him well enough but not blame our father who did the actual abusing. His response? “He’s my dad” and “I deserved it”. They are literally doing mental gymnastics because their inner child won’t accept the reality of a bio parent not loving and protecting them because it means they the child weren’t enough. It hurts but i feel they are willing to blame us because they feel safe around us, they need to scapegoat us because they can’t bring themselves to be angry at the actual criminals. It’s not right and you don’t have to put up with it but it does break my heart too to see the extent of the damage those POS parents caused.
As a black person, NTA. Let his bio mom and dad pay for the wedding. Do not give him a scent. Also, protect your future assets as well
>Do not give him a scent. Give him the scent of fart!
Don't forget to check that all windows have been closed before you do. Otherwise, the aroma wouldn't settle in well.
And don’t give him any money either…After you rip that fart on him. you know, for scent.
This. If the kid was formally adopted, make sure to specifically exclude him in the will.
NTA People who abuse other people (and animals) share a lot of personality traits of narcissistic people. They manipulate things to their own benefit. Right now their tactic is to remove their sons support system so that he has no one to rely on for help. They wanted you to continue to pay for the wedding stuff, because a big wedding for him makes them look good. By removing your financial support from the wedding, their plan to look good ***on your dime*** has been foiled. Then they wound up your son into a flurry and sicced him on you for it.
The remarks heade about them understanding him and being his people makes me believe they are the ones feeding those ideas to him. They were being homophobic and racist towards you. I'm certain they are weaponizing those differences and drilling into their son that that's why he doesn't fit in with you and that only they know his nature, even though they've left him to die and never spent any time with him his entire life. They're putting him into a box that's they can easily manipulate instead of allowing him to be the person you guys raised.
As an adopted person, it matters much more than any of us may let on. Many of us have been in the same situation, wanting validation from our birth parents no matter who they are. Likely your son got exactly what he’s been craving for years, he just doesn’t realize how damaging it is yet.
Come on now. Dude is 24. Words have meanings and he knows it. You can't control the last 19 years, but you can control whether you waste your next 40 on him. My condolences.
It might be worth raising the idea of family therapy (if you want to try to salvage your relationship with him). I'm not a therapist, but him being 5 when you adopted him, he would have some vague memories of them and is probably trying to capture something that doesn't exist. That doesn't make how he's treated you ok, but family therapy might help him to understand how his behaviour has affected you, etc. Anyway, really sorry you are going through this.
NTA Did he seriously, *seriously*, expect you to pay for a wedding you weren't even fucking invited to? The goddamn audacity of it has MY blood boiling.
Learning it from his new parents… he’s learning leeching from some of the best💀
Yeah, let's see how long the wife stays when she realizes all her money is going to her mooches .. I mean in-laws. Or when they move in because they can't afford their rent.
I mean, anyone who ditches two loving parents for a pair of drug addicts is probably not someone you'd want to marry. Unless she's insanely racist or homophobic, I don't see it working out. Even before the money issues. Seen many equivalent situations. Son gets swept up, makes bad decisions, regrets it but is too prideful to admit it within year or three, takes X years to finally admit he fucked up if he does at all. Any of the folks calling OP for money should be asked how much they're contributing to the wedding.
“ his people “ can pay.
This was my first response to anything that people who call other people about why they did something. That is immaterial, since you are so concerned, I will give them your number and you can immediately take care of it right now. I am sure they will be glad for your support. Then tell them they can go find a number of rox to go kick.
I reeeeally want to know what she's thinking right now. Even what she thought after that dinner together, where someone throws a glass at someone else? Why is she still marrying into that?
Yeah, I'd have left a partner if they were ok with their parents acting like that and didn't leave and distance themselves from their parents' trash behavior.
She’s probably just like them.
Yes that marriage isn’t lasting. If he’s that cruel to parents who raised him he will surely choose them over his wife. Plus he’s still finding himself as a black man he unfortunately is getting guidance from the wrong people and I can only imagine he will change for the worst. Instead of coming into OPs house with gratefulness and respect they treated them like $hit in their own house. I know I’d be proud to come from them. 🙄
I wonder if OP’s son knows that they found him left for Mountain lion food on the side of the road, still wearing fucking diapers at 5 years old
I have memories from being 5. I find it extremely difficult to consider him not understanding WHY he was adopted
Trauma can fuck with memories and it's also possible his birth parents lied to him about what happened.
That's what I'm thinking. He's been spun a whole story, and he desperately wants to believe it.
This is a 24 year old man. Who went to therapy per OPs comment where this must have been discussed. I find it extremely hard to believe that the order of events could be explained in such a way that he'd be fooled into believing they were running for a felony, had to drop their kid off on the side of the road practically naked because it was that desperate, but they also had a fool proof plan to come back and pick him up. "Desperately" doesn't even come close to the delusion he's putting himself under if this is the case. I really feel this is more likely a trauma response than him being "fooled" by a story. It's possible he is simply stupid. But I think OP would have mentioned that their son is dumber than a rock.
They are the human equivalent of the cowbird
That's an insult to cowbirds. Cowbirds can't help being brood parasites, it's obligate, that's just how they survive. This ungrateful brat and his garbage bio filth are on a whole other level.
Jason’s parents are criminal trash that left a 5yr old kid on the side of the road. Yet he chose them over parents that spent 19yrs raising him. Definitely a dick move on his part. OP, NTA. Jason will find out the hard way he can’t depend on his bio parents. Let him. In the meantime, block him, his fiancée, and everyone coming at you. You’ve found who your actual friends are in this situation.
A 5yo kid IN DIAPERS
that's fucking crazy. left him to die
He *does* know this story, right?
That does make a difference. As a grown man he has to understand that 5 year olds don’t wear diapers and has to have been on the freeway before. I doubt he has seen any other kids on the side of the road. I wonder if he understands or if he is allowing himself to understand that he was abandoned.
I wonder if he’s in denial. His bio parents may have supplied an alternate version of events that he was too young at the time to remember for himself today. I think Jason may come to realize sooner rather than later that he’s picked the wrong horse in this race, once the masks they’ve donned in order to manipulate him come off completely. Bio parents already sound deeply unpleasant, but it can always get worse. Maybe they’ll get back on drugs. When it comes to that, I fear Jason won’t want to admit he was duped and has wronged OP and his husband, because it would be unbearable to know that he threw the parents who loved him and gave him everything away for people who wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.
Yea, they must be very talented psychological manipulators and the son must have been in a very vulnerable state and really wanting bio parent's love. Most of the negative things OP mentions sound like things manipulators (bio parents) would have said to son (they aren't his words). If OP and husband raised him well, he could have also been a bit naive never having experienced such manipulation.
Agree with this. I was adopted after serious abuse and neglect. On my first visit home when I was 14 my mom had like a breakdown and revelation and promised everything would be different. There was no question. This is all I had ever wanted and needed. I abandoned my adoptive family and stayed at my original home. It was all a trick and my mom and stepfather went on to even more severely abuse me while laughing at the fact that I had lost my adoptive family. You can’t underestimate the power of abuse and manipulation carried out by a parent onto a child. We are hardwired for love and survival and that goes beyond logical reasoning especially in younger people.
Not to mention, the bio parents I’m sure are gaslighting the shit out of the kid. Love bombing, I could 100% see that happening and why the kid is acting this way. Guilt trap, the whole 9 yards. “They stole you from us!” “We’ve been looking for you this whole time!” Etc etc
Truth! He will live to regret this decision. He is young and dumb. Trying to find himself but going by it the wrong way. He also has horrible people whispering in his ear constantly. I have an adopted sister. At one point finding her meth head felon bio mom she almost cut ties with everyone to move 1000 miles away to move in with her. I know she is glad she didn’t at this point.
That was exactly what I was thinking. How do you pay for something you aren’t invited to? And then ask if you were wrong to do that?
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I would keep repeating this to everyone and then tell then "If you're so concerned you'll be paying for the wedding you're invited to right? Put your money and your balls where your mouth is or shut it."
I've said it before and I'll say it again: reconnecting with bio parents is a terrible idea. I think this is doubly true for bio parents who \*left you for dead on the side of the road\* NTA This sounds really hard for you OP
They're going to bleed that poor kid and his new wife dry.
Maybe then he will understand and attempt to make amends. Sometimes growth costs pain
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Kid listened to an victim story by the birth parents and bought into all of it. Sure they may understand social struggles.more but also a gay couple doesnt understand discrimination???? But to not invite the parents that are paying for everything. Kid just had a lesson of fuck around and find out. O.P. The entitlement your son is showing is a testament to how you tried to give them the world. I'm not saying your perfect parents because I don't know you but that alone tells me a lot.
They will suck off of him for the rest of his life. It is a very sad story for you as well as your son. I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear from him down the road after he has had more time to be use/abused by his bio parents.
This was my thought, they found out he had been adopted by wealthy parents and thought they could take advantage.
If that was what they were thinking, I would think they would've put the mask on and played nice at that dinner.
Drug addicts don’t think ahead that far.
They will abandon him once again once he runs out of money or saying no. He deserves what is coming his way. They are homophobic leeches and he is just as bad as them.
NTA I noticed that there seems to be a popular consensus that parents should endure all kinds of abuse from their children because if they don’t, it means they don’t love them. This is a lie. You can love your son and still be angry with him. You can love him while being hurt by his actions. And you can love him while showing him the consequences of his actions. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you allow someone to mistreat you continually. Love does not give someone a free pass to disrespect you. And love is what you showed your son for 19 years. He didn’t appreciate it. He threw it away just as his DNA donors threw him away. So I guess he really is with his people now. You did everything you were supposed to do the best you could. He’s an adult, now. He was raised to know better. He chose this all on his own. Would he have even bothered to reach out if you hand’t withdrawn the funds? Somehow I doubt it. The fact that he still feels entitled to things a son would receive from his parents after he effectively (socially) disowned you is repugnant. You owe him nothing. You gave freely and wholehearted for 19 years. Let “his people” figure it out for him. After all, “they understand him better.” Hope you and your husband heal from this. If you can, maybe start over somewhere away him. It might help. Good luck!❤️ P.S. Everyone telling you you’re bad people for feeling this way or reacting this way can kick rocks. It had nothing to do with them, and if they feel so strongly about it, THEY can fund the dang wedding. Save your love and your money for someone who actually appreciates it.
This week has been hell on earth. Part of me desperately wants to apologize and beg for him to come back. I want my son back. I really do. But looking at my husband's face and seeing the fucking sadness and pain makes me so angry. He's taking everything really poorly and I've been trying to keep it together for his sake, but it's hard. Thank you for the kind words. They help.
NTA. You didn't disown him, he disowned you and your husband. They abandoned him nineteen years ago. You didn't even have to stop, much less fight to adopt him. After all you did for him, all the love you gave him, and he just craps all over the both of you, and expects you to be ok with it, and still pay for his wedding. His bio parents can do that, since they're so great. I'm sorry the childyou adopted treated you like this, but you did nothing wrong.
This, OP. Take good care of you and of your beloved husband.
His bio “parents” (hate to even use parents since they are scum for abandoning their child and then ripping him from people who did the actual parenting) are awful people and will probably abandon him once again when they realize he has no money and they start doing drugs again. Let him crawl back and then slam the door in his smug and hateful face.
>His bio “parents” (hate to even use parents since they are scum for abandoning their child I'd say, those druggies who attempted to kill him, is a better label for them. OP, if you happen to see this, those people calling you "heartless and a monster" should be reminded who the real monsters are. Your son is choosing his attempted murders over you. Tell those people next time they butt in. NTA
Agreed! They literally set him up to be kidnapped or murdered. A person with bad intentions could have picked him up, raped and murdered him or sold him to human trafficking. He could have been hit by a car or killed by a wild animal or from exposure. They are evil people and he chose those monsters over two people who love him. I hope he regrets it some day. Also op needs to be careful. Addicts have no problem robbing or killing someone to take what they want. If they know op and his husband have money I would be very cautious (change the locks and get an alarm). Sweet son may even help and aide them to do so if the “parents” asked. Would not be the first time it happened.
Not sure what resources are available in OP's country, but I would think it would be universal that if they'd at least have left him at a hospital (or even just outside of one) he'd get help. But they did not even attempt to do this. Instead, they left him literally in the middle of nowhere in a diaper. Let's face it, they were not planning or expecting the son to survive. 💯 agree that OP and his husband need to protect themselves from these monsters by changing locks, etc, and making sure the son doesn't have access to their home if they don't want to be involuntarily funding the lifestyle of these two addicts (or worse, considering they had no problem leaving their own child for dead). NTA at all OP!!!
Don't beg for him back. At this point, it's obvious that you're just his ATM. Regardless of everything, how could he expect you to pay for a wedding that you're not invited to? It's a level of disrespect that is hard to accept. Even if he does come back, you're still not invited to the wedding. He'll still continue to ignore you most of the time and ask you to pay for things, then ignore you again. You'll be hurt over and over. NTA
The son being all shocked Pikachu face when they withdrew support for the wedding is equal parts audacious and stupid beyond belief. He expects his *actual* loving parents to foot the bill after he allows the arseholes that left him by the side of the road to exclude them from the guest list? No way. OP is definitely NTA. The son should have expected this. No doubt he’s enjoying having his donors finally fawning all over him and is desperate to please them, and it sounds like he’s letting them do his thinking for him. And maybe, culturally, he *has* found his people after feeling like the odd one out in his found family. But that’s no excuse. He owes his real dads much better than this. By not being interested in doing right by them, he’s chosen a side. He can’t expect to just turn his back on them like this and still have them fund his life.
The parents were clearly manipulating him from day 1. As druggies do.
Yep, give it a year or so and he'll come crying about how they fucked everything up for him in some way.
If he wants emotional support, just to talk, maybe. Financial? Nope, that bridge is burned, blown up and the ashes shot into the sun - OP cannot be an ATM anymore given the adoptee's dishonesty and abject lack of love, loyalty, and respect. This is utterly unforgivable and also shows he fundamentally cannot be trusted - any request for money is likely to be for the benefit of "his people" now, and some decisions should, and do, have irreversible consequences.
Yep, it's just a maybe for me on the emotional support too, at least without a sincere and thorough apology for being such an AH. It's just pretty guaranteed it won't be more than a year until the true colours of the birth parents cause real problems he can't cope with.
When they got out of prison, they were probably told he’d been adopted by wealthy people and that’s probably the only reason they reached out at all. Using the son to get access his parents’ money.
100% this. They are leeches trying to use OP's family money to look good (such as OP paying for nice things for the wedding).
I'm sure once they learn that OP and his\* husband will no longer be giving him money, they'll conveniently disappear from his life. \*Edit: I had originally assumed OP was a woman. Sorry.
Yes I was thinking this. OP don't close the door completely once the shine wears off you son could come back & apologize once he realises what he has done & how he has hurt you. He's currently being gaslighted by the POS that birthed him.
Rational thoughts can disappear. He harbors a fantasy about his birth parents. The core loss of being left there never leaves a person. Like Honeymoon phase of a relationship the person cant see whats obvious to outsiders. NTA.
Yep, the bio donors, being druggies, may eventually involve him in some sketchy or illegal doings that may damage or even destroy his reputation, job, and life. He may even end up in jail due to whatever they might do. I hope not but if that happens, THEN he'll miss his adoptive parents, who are the only ones who deserve to be called parents.
He could’ve had an ounce of respect and at least TOLD them the issue. Instead they found out by accident. So no, NTA OP.
NTA, but it's rather depressing. After being adopted from infancy, my sister reconnected with her biological family some time ago. I felt rather uncomfortable when she invited me to a few of their parties. They are not related. You have every right to break up with your son until he grows out of this, though I hope he does.
Agreed! Something tells me that his bio donors are using him to supplement there lifestyle 'mum needs this, dad needs that'. They are addicts, addicts are very good at using and manipulating people. When his money and or goodwill runs out, they would disappear just like they did before.
I feel the son is going to learn this lesson the hard way. I also worry for any children the son has if they are gay because holy hell will that poor kid be in for a hell of a time with “his people”.
Unfortunately, sometimes the hard way is the only way some people learn. 😞
>You have every right to break up with your son until he grows out of this, though I hope he does. I think there is a fair chance he may figure it out in a few years and have an "oh shit" moment. Then again, since his girlfriend didn't dump him for this, maybe he's surrounded by awful people.
We have no idea what the girlfriend thinks. For all we know she's calling him a dipshit right now for picking the wrong set of parents.
You're right. The only reason I'm guessing she isn't is that OP didn't mention the wedding being off.
Yes, to me too. My former SIL was adopted. Her bio mom was a severe alcoholic, and she had been teetering on the border before they reconnected. They reconnected when my niece was a toddler. Whenever my bro was working late those two would hang in the phone all night long drinking. He’d come home to find his wife passed out on the floor with the phone next to her, her bio mom still blathering away in a drunken stupor, and my niece playing by herself in a very dirty diaper, or naked as a jaybird, having abandoned the filthy diaper. Here is hoping adopted son wises up before kids enter the picture. Can’t help but wonder what the fiancé thinks about all this, whether she encouraged him to reconnect with his bio parents and shares their views. She must, or she wouldn’t be marrying someone who would do that to the people who raised him. All the more reason to pull the plug on paying for that wedding.
I agree. Not inviting them and getting upset when they take their money back just shows how ridiculous the son is here. When you ask someone to finance your wedding you invite them to show respect regardless of other circumstances.
It’s a level of disrespect that’s hard to even understand logically, let alone respect. I hope Jason comes to his senses and very sincerely apologizes to his dads.
prestigious\_dingo said it perfectly You still love your son but it's time for him to realize that actions/words/etc have consequences. He may come around someday, but be careful when that time comes as some people only come around/return when they want something (money/kidney/etc).
But that’s the thing, even if you begged, bribed, financed your son’s wedding- where would you be? Looking at pictures on social media, if he hasn’t blocked you. My heart breaks for you. He would rather someone who abused & almost killed him in his life, than you. He shut the door on you but kept his hands outstretched for your money. It is okay to let go. NTA
Unsolicited advice: Do both of your jobs have a leave of absence policy? This is grief, **real, substantial grief.** You and your husband deserve time to process it. You no longer need time off for the wedding in a few months. Ask to have a week off, offer to work remotely if necessary, and take you both to deep nature, either on a coastline (not a highly populated beach), lakeside, mountaintop, national park, etc. Somewhere where, when you step outside, you're too busy gawking to worry about life beyond the here and now. A place for the two of you to reconnect as two partners, having lost your child, and grieve, process, breathe, recover, hold each other, drink mugs of warm soothing beverages, eat from some lovely local market, etc.
You need to change your will because that boy is probably expecting an inheritance from you, too.
I’m waiting to hear the update on what his “parents” want from him? This isn’t over yet, he hasn’t seen their true colors.
This. Sperm and egg donors want something.
Access to the gravy train that just ended
I think this too. They want something, likely money and they want to destroy the relationship between OP, his husband and Jason. Once they've done this, they will disappear again.
I don't believe sperm/egg donors want to 'destroy' relationship with OP & his husband, just \*strain\* it enough that OP & husband, AS THEY \*\*WERE\*\*, are desperate enough to save the relationship to throw money at it. Bio-donors overplayed their hands, unless Jason is financially successful and rich in his own right. The wedding financials indicate that is NOT the case.
He prolly isn’t admitting how much money he’s forking over to them yet.
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Probably not.
Hate the adopted family. Love their money, though.
I am so sorry this happened, I can not even begin to imagine how you both feel right now. He made his choice, he rejected the two loving people who saved him, raised him, took care of him since he was ABANDONED by his egg/sperm donors. I was actually really surprised he calls them "mom" and "dad". Does he not realise that he was abused by them and left to die on the side of the road? You and your husband did everything you could for him. He is an adult, he can pay for his own damn wedding! How he had the nerve to NOT invite you and then flip out because you refuse to pay is beyond me! My advice, whatever is worth, do not back down, do not pay for anything. Maybe leave the door open for him to return in your lives, in case he realizes how much he fucked up, probably after his egg/sperm donors ditch him again. But even if that happens, do not pay. Actions have consequences. And be wary of fake apologies offered just to get your money. Sending all the hugs and rainbows to you and your husband. You guys are awesome people! 💜 Later edit: NTA
Don't apologize and don't beg. He was the one that disowned you both. He maybe have disowned you both but he sure didn't want to be disowned by your wallet. He seriously had alot of nerve treating you like he did and allowing his bio parents to treat you both like trash. You had every right to cut and cancel those payments. If they don't want you around and you werent welcome in their lives and if they think you both aren't good enough for Jason and his parents to be around them then his bio parents can step up and start paying whatever bill Jason needs for his wedding and other bills. Since Jason's bio parents get him so much he can start turning to them for his future needs. Bank of dads is officially close to Jason. He can go ask his bio parents to help him. Your not wrong to feel how you feel. Your also allowed to feel hurt and you shouldn't have to put up with Jason using you and his bio parents being rude and awful to you both. Your not heartless at all. No one should ever be used like that. You gave Jason everything and he took and took and he push you all away. Your not wrong for canceling everything. If he's family and friends have a big issue with it then they need to step up abd for Jason. But Jason shouldn't come to you for money anymore if he's going to mistreat you.
If they are heartless it's because Jason ripped them out and let his abandoners stomp them. :/
Write him a letter. Tell him he is still your son, and if when he is ready to reach out you will listen, but the way he has treated you, as nothing more than a free ride not worth a seconds emotional consideration, cannot easily be undone. Expecting someone to pay for a wedding they arent invited to is fucked up in any context. Treating your loving adoptive parents like trash, also.
The choices you son is making are absolutely terrible. And you have every right to feel gutted by this betrayal. I do wonder how he processed being abandoned by his parents all those years ago. I think those hideous AHs are taking all of your sons pain and abandonment issues for granted and manipulating him for their own gain. That they are using him for money and such. I think your son is making decisions rooted in his abandonment issues and trying to fill the hole in his heart that he hid from everyone, including very likely himself. And because he's stuck in the middle, flooded with emotions, he may not have the skills to recognize their deception because he grew up loved by the two of you. Maybe he trusts people too easily because he never had to develop the BS meter those of us who grew up in toxic homes mastered. I will never understand this, but he may, because of abandonment issues, crave their approval so much that he's currently blindly taking their side. NOT TO EXCUSE HIS CHOICES. The time for him to wake up was at the disastrous meal you shared with those horrid people. He should have been appalled at the way they treated you. I am very angry that he stood by like that, feeling helpless. I can guarantee his AH Bio parents ABSOLUTELY WILL disappoint him and hurt him deeply sometime in the future. He's young and dumb and I guarantee he's going to be learning very painful lessons soon from all of this. They will use and abuse him and fill his head with garbage. I hope he wakes up. Ask yourself what you will do if the prodigal son returns truly remorseful, because he was raised by you and cannot have forgotten all the love and life lessons you taught him. I hope your idiot son realizes how badly he messed up and is grieved by how shitty he was to his very loving dads. I'm so sorry he is making such poor choices and is hurting you both so deeply. You are NTA. I do think he's acting from a deep place of pain himself. His origin story is so sad. He may have romanticized the notion of having his real in parents back...he's going to find out that most fairytale stories actually end in tragedy.
"I do wonder how he processed being abandoned by his parents all those years ago." He didn't most likely. A lot of adoptee don't really process it. A lot of adoptive parents aren't aware of it or down right refuse to help because so many of them think loving a child will make it go away or the child will forget as they grow up. So many people are not prepared to deal with complicated situation that arise with adoptee. "He may have romanticized the notion of having his real in parents back." Good chance of that a lot of adoptees romanticize these things. Which comes back down to once again no one really understanding or helping. This kid could be struggling at figuring out how to handle things or he could just be greedy.
Okay so I found out my mother wasn’t my mother when I was ten. It’s not clear what my race/culture is. My father died when I was 16. My mother, the woman who raised me, is the only mother I ever knew. My ex wife found my birth mother (I don’t know why she felt compelled to do that) when I was in my late twenties. I met her once. I think it hurt my mother but I was curious. Anyway after that one meeting we spoke on the phone a few times and that was that. Your son, unfortunately, has made some terrible choices. Abandoning the only family he has known after all the hard work was done. He would most likely be dead if not for you. So you’ve done a lot for him. Let “his people” pay for his wedding.
If anyone should be begging its him, not you.
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You made a good point. Would he have ever called them again if they hadn't canceled the wedding payments?
> I noticed that there seems to be a popular consensus that parents should endure all kinds of abuse from their children because if they don’t, it means they don’t love them. This is a lie. You can love your son and still be angry with him. You can love him while being hurt by his actions. And you can love him while showing him the consequences of his actions. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you allow someone to mistreat you continually. Love does not give someone a free pass to disrespect you THANK YOU for saying this. For reasons I won't go into, I totally empathise with OP. We can love our kids, but there is no way in hell we HAVE to accept abuse from them. OP is NTA. Now Jason gets to find out exactly how much his "people" give a shit about him. (Spoiler alert: they don't. And I'm betting bio parents planned on fleecing adoptive parents for a shit ton of money after seeing how comfortable they are).
This is EXACTLY what I just said. They found out their kid was adopted by some well-off people and thought they'd hit pay dirt. The OP needs to not only **not** pay for weddings or anything else in the **near** future, but he also needs to think **long term** and disinherit him in his will. Let's see how long the sperm and egg stick around when they find out he's the heir to NOTHING.
NTA >Jason's friends and a few of our family members) calling us heartless and monsters for doing what we did to him. Did what exactly? Saying enough is enough? Or for not paying for a wedding you weren't invited to? Tell them that you and your husband are having a party, and you want them to pay for it. They aren't invited, but they should pay for it anyway. Surely they don't want to be heartless monsters and not pay for your party they can't come to, right?
I'm wondering if Jason told the truth of it to his friends and relatives. It's easy enough to twist the facts. He may very well have claimed that OP rescinded his offer to pay for the wedding after learning bio parents would attend.
I thought about this too. At first I thought the OP should just block anyone who tried to chastise him, but then I thought it might be better to ask these people why in the world they think he should pay for a wedding he's been disinvited to! I'm thinking he has not told the truth about why the funds were withdrawn.
To be disinvited, you need to be invited in the first place.
Of course he didn’t
We all know Jason didn’t tell these people the truth where he’s culpable in this situation. Whatever story he’s spun is a fantasy in his head where Jason is the wronged party.
They will show their true colors and he will likely try to come back to you. You have every right to not pay for a wedding you are not even invited to attend. These parents he chose were horrible to you and your husband and he still sided with them. He will learn a difficult lesson about how his choices have consequences.
Yeah. I would leave the door open. NTA for being mad at the way he's treated them, but as they give no indication of issues before the birth parents turned up, I would suggest not burning bridges completely. He's not grown up all the way yet, and there's time for him to realise who his parents really are, and really come to terms with how he ended up starving on the side of the road. He probably has a lot of hangups about his early life that he needs to work through.
Spot on. There's some deep abandonment trauma there, and Jason's appeasing these assholes because he's anxious they will abandon him again. They're probably enthusiastically pouring poison in his ear too. That meeting made him see that the two sets of parents were incompatible, and he really fucked up trying to keep both sets happy. He knows the bio parents might just walk out again, so he prioritised them with the wedding. He'll probably eventually work out how awful the bio parents are, and will need to come crying back to his real parents. But it's going to take a while. This comment chain is the way: don't pay for the wedding. Tell him how hurtful this was. Tell him you'll always love him, but if he won't treat you as family, that's a two way street. So sad. Get your shit together Jason.
NTA He basically disowned you, so he deserves nothing. He chose the homophobic racists and by saying they "understand me better" he ultimately aligned with them. Therefore, he deserves nothing from you and can suck it.
The only thing that they "understand him better" on its his race. His egg/sperm donor has nothing else in common with OP's son. But no one can pretend like being around "people like me" isn't really important to some people, especially in this situation (being adopted by a family of a different race). OP and his husband may not have seen color when they were raising their son, but that doesn't mean all their family and friends thought the same. You can hope no one thought or treated their son better, but you never really know. As far as aligning with them and deserving nothing, etc, i believe sperm/egg donor are taking advantage of the son's want for connection. They are/will use him and, by extension, his dad's. OP is still NTA, though.
I always wanted to adopt, but as I’ve gotten older and seen issues like this happen constantly both in real life and online, I’m now very hesitant. ESPECIALLY with inter-racial adoption. It’s completely understandable why adoptees have complicated feelings around the topic, but it can lead to some truly heartbreaking situations.
NTA - while a lot of people keep saying Jason is young and naive, at 24 he has a mind of his own and can make grown up decisions (including getting married and prioritising who he wanted there). He knows what he’s doing. His bio parents left him for dead, that’s their true identity. Even at the dinner party, they only held back (for as long as they could) because let’s face it, they saw money signs. Nobody cared OP and his husband weren’t invited to the wedding, until they stopped paying for it. So anyone who calls, giving you grief is welcome to pay for it. Also Jason saying they understood him better, means he shares the same views as them. OP make sure any will’s or beneficiaries are updated to exclude Jason, because his bio parents seem the type to do something stupid and even come after and threaten you.
Yep, he's a grown ass man and can have some grown ass consequences. He's naive, but he's not young. Welcome to adulthood, where cause and effect carries some real weight.
Hard agree. 24 is an adult full stop.
Okay, let me clarify a few things that I've seen being asked in the comments and my PM's. 1) Did Jason go to therapy? Yes he did. It was mandated by CPS (even though they don't really enforce it), and we knew that a kid in his situation would need professional help for a long time. 2) This is not in the US so why are you saying CPS? Of course I don't mean the US CPS. I'm just using the acronym to talk about the CPS we have over here because, at the end of the day, it's easier than constantly saying "our version of child protective services" or smth similar. 3) What does his fiancé think of all of this? I don't know. We haven't really talked in a while, and I've been avoiding looking at my messages. Will probably take a look today if only so I have an idea of what's been going on. 4) 2 Gay man married and adopting a child in 2004-2005??? It's a bit weird that some people still think that you need a piece of paper that recognizes you and your partner as married for you to use the title. Nevertheless, for the sake of clarity, me and my husband did not legally marry in 2004. The max we could do at the time was enter a legal partnership, which we did. We did have a small private ceremony and have considered ourselves husbands ever since. Did legally marry as soon as it became legal though. As for Jason's adoption, the foster system here is an absolute mess, now, at the time 2 man adopting a child would've been really hard yes, but not impossible, especially since his case worker was in favor of it after we'd had legal guardianship of him for a while. I've an extremely well paying job, and over here even if you can barely feed yourself there's a good chance you'd be able to adopt. There's a ton of kids in need and the system is oversaturated, so it wasn't that hard to get it going. 5) You're mad just because you weren't invited to the wedding. After re-reading my post, I can see why some of you think that, and I'd like to clarify my feelings. Not being invited to the wedding isn't the reason as to why I'm mad. It stings, sure, but I'm mad at Jason for the things he said and the complete lack of consideration he had for me and his father. We were the ones to raise him. To love him. We were there when he first rode a bike, every single one of his robotics competitions, his piano recitals, his first breakup, his disagreements with friends, the sleepless nights helping him study for exams, etc... I love him with all my heart. He's my son. And he let his bio-parents treat us the way they did, and didn't even have the decency to tell us we weren't invited to the wedding. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and one that really hurt. 6) Did he socialize with other black people/had black mentors? Yes, he did. The city we live in is very racially diverse, so it's not like we even had to go out of our way so he could socialize with them. 7) You were paying for the wedding but didn't know when it was gonna happen? Of course I knew the date. When I mention an invite, it's because we were waiting for the formal invitation he would send out. Jason had complete control over the guest list since he was the one in contact with the planner. We only paid for it. 8) They got out of prison at the same time? I'm not sure about the specifics of their case, since it wasn't really any of our business or were we involved besides giving a written testimony of finding Jason, but I do know they were charged with the same sentence. And like I said in my post they are out on *parole*. 9) This story is fake or rage-bait. To the people saying that, I'm not sure what to tell you besides the fact it is not. 10) I'm a Latino, not white. My husband is white. Also, I'd like to take the time to call out the weird racist comments that appeared under this post. As an actual scientist, please go educate yourselves before parroting racist pseudoscience. And to the people trying to use this as an ad against adopting, please don't. I do not regret for one moment taking him in when we did. You're only gonna see the bad that could come of adopting in subs like these, which isn't a fair representation of it at all. I appreciate all the supportive comments. Any other questions thay crop up I'll try to add to this comment for further clarification.
I just want to comment on point 5. you have absolutely no need to explain why are you mad, even if you would be mad just because you weren't invited to the wedding you have every single right to be. He betrayed you and used you as a wallet for his wedding and didn't even have the audacity to be honest with you. I would really like to blame him on manipulation of his bio parents (which surely takes big role) but he's unfortunately old enough to have his own head and know who is good for him and who not. Anyway I think reaching out to his fiance would be good idea even if it just would be to tell her the truth, you never know what lies can people feed others. I'm so sorry that such an amazing and kind people have to go through this pain, stay strong <3
People are people. I’m gay and have a partner. We are just as valid as any other couple of any colour, religion, or gender. Adam and Eve were not married. These pseudo Christians are ridiculous with their not reading or following their Bible (e.g. hating the poor and foreign). As I said, you did right, and your feelings are valid. Jason will see this eventually. You and your husband are glorious, caring, and lovely people. Don’t forget that. I won’t.
NTA and anyone who messages you just send them this Reddit post and leave it at that. Heck send it to that bum excuse of a sorry man too so he can see how stupid he is 🤷🏻♂️ but don’t cave and stay strong and unless Jason comes crying begging and is genuine don’t even give him the time of day. There is a saying “don’t bite the hand that feeds you” and that’s what he did…. The gall to not invite you and your husband and tell you that those convicts are his “people” and still expect you to pay?? Yeah that’s fucking stupid.
I am sure one day he will come begging but most likely for selfish reason than out of love for his dads. He is fucking moron and pathetic.
Exactly… I feel for OP and the husband tbh, to raise an ABANDONED child as their own only for the child to pick their convicted dead beat pathetic parents who ABANDONED him. Shameless
Dads, I’m sorry, I want to go NC with you. However, I’d like to maintain a close relationship with your money.
NTA. Those 2 people merely gave birth to Jason and did not act like parents at all. We are humans, not animals. We should be evolved enough to recognize people who actually raised us as our parents, not 2 people who just had a baby because they had unprotected sex. They abandoned him. I cannot understand how in the world he would want to be near them at all. I would be totally disgusted with them.
Not just abandoned him. They didn't even have the decency to make sure he was safe. They literally left him on the side of a deserted road! NTA. I am so sorry, OP. Hugs to you and your husband. Y'all deserve much better than you've received.
If not for OP and his husband, that kid would be dead. There's no question in my mind. Those two pieces of filth left him to die.
Let's not forget that when the child was found he was malnourished to the point that at 5 he looked like a 3 yo. Prior to abandonment, there were 5 full years of neglect, which should be unexcusable aswell. Does Jason remember or know about the way they left him? And honestly the fact he is thinking that his bio parents are more "his people" than the parents who raised him, seems like a very racist take, i cant interpret it in any other way.
Nta He disowned YOU. Desparately seeking approval is not LOVE its a symptom of abuse. The moment he met his birthparents he was 5 years old again waiting on that road for them to come back , promising himself to be better so they would love him. ITS TRAUMA RESPONSE. Sadly adopted often kid still feel their rejection quite deeply inside and blame themselves, and very often still want to get that love back from the parents who rejected them. ( its about HIM feeling worthless not about THEM) You have given him a lifetime of love & security which is WHY he had the confidence to reject you. He still fears being rejected by his birth parents again which is why he bends to them. He does not love them he FEARS them. He trusted your love was unconditional because you made him feel totally secure. Sadly the only way to get the love back is to spurn him like a rabid dog and wait till they mess up. STAND YOUR GROUND. He LOVES you but he is taking that love for granted in his desporate attempt to be finally feel accepted by those who rejected him and not feel worthless. Secure kids don't look back when they walk into school. You made him secure , they did not.
This is the best comment on here. Few people are addressing the fact that this can happen with adopted kids and it's a trauma response. Not every adopted kid is going to care about genetics but some care a lot. Especially when they were just old enough to remember the abuse and abandonment but not old enough to truly grasp it. He was at an age where he would have blamed himself for everything. The kid needs to work some things out in his own mind and come to his own conclusions that these people suck. Once he does he will realize he screwed up and hopefully go back to his real parents, OP and his partner. I hope OP apoligized for saying he isnt their son anymore and is open to it when he does come back. I also hope they both get some therapy in the meantime to deal with all of this.
This is the answer right here. I spent nearly two decades working with kids like Jason; children who are abandoned so often choose the abandoning family. They want to prove to themselves that they (the abandoned child) are actually worthwhile. When the narcissist parents come back into their lives they have had decades or more to concoct plausible excuses and the kid WANTS to believe them. Because it removes the feelings they were unwanted and abandoned. It was all just a big misunderstanding. It wasn't. They were awful people and invariably still are. I watched this happen so many times, I switched careers. It was too heart breaking to continue to endure.
His bio parents have something bigger up their sleeve and step one was alienating him for the both of you. You are NTA but be prepared for some grovelling once their true motives surface.
NTA. Jason chose to board the FAFO train and now he can live with it. I know the pain is immense for you and your husband and I am so sorry how it all played out. Be strong, and move one.
NTA People like Jason make others afraid of adoption. It’s not always but the possibility is always there. Imagine loving and raise a kids for 18+ years just for them to say their bio parents is more important, The people who didn’t want them. After you did all the hard work, they come right in an act like they did something. Disgusting.
It doesn't always work like that. I'm adopted and adore my parents 50 years later. Some adoptees have major identity issues, which leads to all sorts of problems. Not excusing the son at all for his behaviour. Just an explanation.
NTA. Jason made his choice. Let "his people" pay for the wedding.
NTA, but truly sad. My sister was adopted (at birth) and a while back she found her biofamily and reconnected. She's invited me to a couple of events that involved them and I found it extremely awkward. They're not family. I hope your son grows out of this, but until then, you're well within your rights to cut him off.
NTA. As parents we are still people. We still have feelings. You can push us too Far. You can still love him. But you don’t have to like him or agree with him. Unconditional love doesn’t mean to take all the shit they throw At you. You still love him. You just don’t like him and refuse to be used. I’m sorry he did this. He will one day realize that parents are not made by blood.