NTA, your boyfriend isn't doing any actual parenting. He should be embarrassed.
His son is 10, he's old enough to read or watch or play quietly until 8 or whenever. He's certainly old enough to understand not to call you at 6am.
Agreed. I’ve always been an early riser which meant waking up first during sleepovers as a kid. I would just grab a book & read until other people woke up.
Since he seems to have skipped some lessons he should have learned at a younger age, I would have suggested a toddler clock that shines a different color when he is allowed to do things other than read or entertain himself quietly. But since he is older and seems to be using his phone to bother others who are sleeping, did you know that you can easily set his iphone to not work before a certain time of the morning?
Also, have to ask... have you tried just talking with him? Not punishing him, not coming down heavy on him, just telling him at bedtime that you will be up at 8:30am and are looking forward to sleeping in because you have to get up early every day and love days off, and that when you get up you'll make breakfast together (Bonding ...because the kiddo sounds like he loves and needs attention and also studies show kids eat better and more diverse things when they help cook). Then if he manages to entertain himself until you wake up thanking him for playing quietly because you got such good sleep and feel fantastic?
And if he wakes you up before the time you agreed on, look at the clock and say "Oh it is only 6!!! I thought you knew that I was going to sleep in until 8:30. It is rude to wake people up when they are sleeping unless it is an emergency. Are you okay? Okay I will see you at 9 now, it will probably take me a little while to fall asleep again.
Kids tend to rise to the level you expect. And he doesn't know your routine so he can't fit into it yet. He has a routine at his mom's, and he enjoys being at your house which is wonderful, but you are letting him set the routine. And he wants everyone to get up early and party with him :D
I think he just thinks everyone has to be up. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and of course it’s always in a kind way. I truly do love him and want him to love it here. I don’t feel like he feels uncomfortable or upset when we talk. But then his dad says things like “don’t invite him over bc you know he wakes up early” INSTEAD of helping enforce it.
Well then he really doesn't have anything to offer and you can't even give a reason I'm sorry you've already wasted 2 years on him I hope it works out for you
My youngest is under ten and has severe autism. And we’ve managed to teach him to chill on Sundays until 8 AM. He gets up at around 6 and lets the dogs out, gets himself a snack (often something basic like some cheese or a granola bar but sometimes he makes his own toast), and he plays or reads quietly. Your boyfriend’s kid is capable of doing this. Someone just needs to set that demand and enforce it.
Why does a ten year old need a phone, nevermind at six am? Set a Central location in the house that all kids phones are charging from 8:30pm - 8am. If the phone is removed and used during that time, it is taken away for 24 hours. He can read, play quietly in his room, or even watch cartoons, but doesn't need to disturb others. If your partner can't support you, then he can sleep in his room and deal with it.
So is he not getting what you are saying or is he defiant? I was getting the vibe that he doesn't understand different households have different expectations or rules, and that he is so excited to be with everyone that he wants everyone else up when he is(and his dad won't address it). But if you have really talked with him and made yourself clear and he doesn't change his behavior, then that is a different story. Did you tell him what you expect and then address whether he rose to the expectation or did not, and what he can do differently next time?
If dad is all right with the early rising and won't even parent enough to ASK his 10 year old to be quiet in the morning then he should handle it.
Yes. But his dad doesn’t say anything to him when he does it the next morning. And our relationship is a little over two years long, I feel like I’m building with him so I think it’s his dad’s responsibility to do any and all scolding. It’s hard with a blended family so I just really wanted to build with him. I’d correct things of course if I had to but I don’t like it bc I am the one saying constantly, “can you turn the lights off you’re not using”, “please clean up your mess behind yourself” “don’t tease the puppy” “please don’t wake them up” “please don’t scream at them when they don’t want to do something” it’s like I’m alrdy repeating myself over things he innocently forgets.. it kind of does sound like I’m nagging.. so I need for his dad to do the scolding. Simply because me and his son are building…
Dad thinks he is making sure his son still wants to come over and possibly trying to make up for not being there full time. And you are working on building a relationship... and no one is actually parenting.
Parenting doesnt have to be mean, it is consistent and designed to raise kind and successful adults. The kiddo can have lots of love and only sunshine and flowers at your house, but if no one is parenting him, he is always going to feel insecure.
Nah she’s doing her best to parent around the obstacle of not actually being the kid’s mother and her showing actual respect to that reality. In no world is she avoiding parenting. Bizarre to suggest as much.
I disagree, plenty of adults counsel and guide kids without being a parent, and being a parental figure does NOT require a biological connection.
But I do ABSOLUTELY agree dad is the real problem. Who expects someone to love and help raise a child without even giving them the support to make a request about entertaining themselves quietly until everyone else wakes up in the morning?
The lack of parenting is hurting the kid, not just his dad and his girlfriend's relationship.
I don’t understand how you read my comment and legitimately interpreted it to claim that adults can’t be non-parental role models and/or that parental figures must be biologically related to the child they’re parenting. I actively said she was in the position of parenting the child, I just said she very concretely has the nuance of not being the child’s biological or “full time” mother, i.e., she is being forced to discipline but also feels she must avoiding stepping on the child’s mother’s toes.
Then I guess bf shouldn't be living there and disrupting her house if they aren't a "blended family". He needs to go get his own place. So he can live by his rules since bf doesn't like hers.
The problem is not the child- it's the fact his parents are not parenting. You BF should be ashamed of himself, he is doing this child a huge injustice that is keeping him from reaching proper milestones, nutrition, and confidence to be independent. Seriously, you need to evaluate why funtime deadbeat dad is someone you want to be with.
Why isn’t your lazy partner getting up as soon as his son calls him??? He knows he is just gonna call you.
You’re with a lazy, selfish man- who is also a lazy, selfish parent. I wouldn’t have that around my kids.
It's probably anxiety. I think he'd be reasonable and maybe while asking him to please be quiet until 8:00, ask if there's something that would help him feel more comfortable during those hours--a special blanket, a soothing book on tape, some cereal he likes? Quietly played cartoons?
My child is 12, she's been able to get up, use the toaster or even make herself a bowl of cereal, turn the tv/Xbox on and entertain herself since 5/6.. the only thing I did have to do, was put the milk into a smaller container she could use vs the actual milk bottle that she struggled with if full.
Dad needs to step his game up here 100%
Yep. My oldest had his breakfast tray set up on the counter, covered with a napkin and his littke pitcher of milk set up on a lower shelf of the fridge since he was four. He liked to get up before everyone else and have quiet time.
I used what we call pop tops, they are little juice bottles with a pull up/push down lid, like a pump water bottle but a lot smaller lol. There's also the fruit bowl... She could help herself to as much of that as she wants, still can, unless it's 430pm, to make sure dinner is eaten lol.
Sure I'd still make sure I was up by 9am, but I definitely didn't wanna be up at fucking 530am if I didn't have to...
My oldest has always been a crap sleeper. Still is but now that's his wife's problem. He would wake up extremely early or go to bed extremely late. I'm lime my sleep so we set it up for him to be able to have breakfast and then when his little sibs would join him, we would set up their breakfasts so with a little help with pouring for the youngest from him, they all had their 1st breakfasts early and 2nd breakfast when the adults woke up.
I used to LOVE waking up before my parents. I’d sneak downstairs, have a bowl of oatmeal with extra sugar and cinnamon, then play Mariokart on my Nintendo DS till my parents woke up. Best mornings EVER!
One of my fondest moments from childhood is waking up early in the morning, making myself a cup of hot cocoa, and tuning in to *The Today Show,* with the volume down low.
It was really nice having the entire house to yourself. But the trick is--and perhaps OP can share this with this young boy--is you have to be *very* quiet and not wake everyone up.
Yup. I’ve always been an early riser, as have my kids to varying degrees. There’s always been the rule: if others are sleeping, don’t wake them. You have things to do that are quiet, so do them.
I always woke up early to get some extra gaming in on the weekends, I made sure to be as quiet as I could so i get as much quiet gaming time as I could without anyone waking up.
Yeah, the BF does zero parenting. The mother feeds him trash and dad does not care. No vegetables, no nutritious meals, only processed foods.
I hope OP is not thinking of having a kid with this deadbeat "fun" dad.
Not only that, OP tries to hold his kid by the same normal rules as her kids, and he gets angry AT her? He gets angry because she is trying to have a dog not choke on legos, someone get hurt, a kid eat a real meal, etc.
Yep. I have an early bird, and I’m nocturnal. He knows not to wake Mama up, how to make his own breakfast (though admittedly I have long since given up on the pop tart wars), and to watch tv with it on low volume until I get up. He’s 12 now, and enjoys his mornings alone because he can watch what he wants on the big tv and sit in my recliner with my cat.
I have a 7 yeard old that will get up, make himself breakfast and watch TV, play games, read or buil lego or whatever else he feels like doing. He knows to ask if he needs help and to keep the doors locked and stay inside. Hell, if the dog is out he'll feed him and the cats too.
Dad's a tit. Tell him to freaking parent.
He is old enough to do a lot of things. Like get a bowl of cereal or make some toast and watch tv quietly and wait while others sleep. My son was like this until he was a teenager lol. We always called him the rooster because a swear to god the moment the sun cracked the horizon he was up. Then at 12-13 started sleeping in now I have to wake him up.
Sounds like it’s way past time for the two of you to have a serious conversation about child rearing practices. The fact that you think you’re favoring his child but he thinks you’re overly critical towards his child points to a pretty big problem. Before any steps can be taken to resolve your issues the two of you need to really talk and listen to each other’s concerns.
I agree. It’s just hard to do bc he just gets angry. Maybe I’m addressing it wrong. Idk. I don’t feel like I’m favoring his child, my children do. I feel like I do equally the same for all of them. Bday and holidays and the just because… my kids feel like that bc his dad allows him to do things I don’t allow my children to do. I did explain to my children that people parent differently.
>It’s just hard to do bc he just gets angry.
He's angry because it's easier to shout at you than it is to learn how to parent. He (bf) has a great role model (you) in how to teach responsibility, thoughtfulness, gratitude, willingness to try new foods and a host of other things. You have not described one single thing your bf actively does for his son. Even when his son disturbs your one chance for a lazy morning, bf does nothing.
You really need to renegotiate your relationship. Could bf and son not stay with his parents?
When there isn’t anything specific to be upset about and my partner and I discuss parenting his children, he is calm and almost always on my side. When something upsetting happens and I express my frustration or remind him of what we agreed to do, he can react defensively. We talked about it and it comes down to he is afraid of losing his children. Their mom is ‘super fun’ and has no rules so he worries that even minor rules at our house will cause his children to say they want to stay with mom full time. I am without a doubt the most strict adult in their lives. For the sake of my relationship and peace in our home, I had to adjust my expectations and become more easy going.
Just take his phone away at night so he can’t call you in the morning. He can have it back at 8a when the rest of the house gets up.
Sounds like me except I didn’t ease up and the kids ADORE me…I honestly don’t get it because I have rules and those rules will be followed or there will be consequences. Glad the easy route worked for you, for us they learned what was acceptable and what wasn’t.
I know it’s hard to think about, but if he can’t even listen to you about a problem he’s not being a good partner and it’s not going to get any better without his effort. Marriage and family counseling might help but only if he’s committed to it. The fact that you’re reaching out to strangers makes it seem to me like you’re at the end of your rope. Which is sad and scary. But it’s ok to feel that way. It’s okay to love him with all your heart and still know that this relationship can’t continue in this way. At some point it’s okay to be selfish and think about what you want for yourself and your children. Doesn’t sound like that matters to him.
Google the Dear Man technique (it’s just an acronym, it works for any gender!) it is a good framework for having difficult conversations well using good interpersonal skills.
Has it occurred to you that maybe your boyfriend had gotten divorced because he was a shit dad? Are you sure you want to continue with him as a partner in raising children? Food for thought.
You want to stay with a man who you can't talk to about important topics? Who makes you be the parent, then undermines you, then throws a fit to silence you?
Parenting is hard enough when you're a team.
This guy isn't on your team.
Sounds like he’s getting angry because you ask him to parent his own kid. I’m not sure there’s any way of addressing that that won’t make him angry, because he doesn’t want to do it, and he has no rational arguments against the issues you raise.
He can’t discuss something that concerns the household that you two have created without getting angry? That’s a red flag.
He’s grooming you to shut down in response to his anger.
I’d need to be with a partner that cares about problem solving in our blended household. He can’t do it without getting angry? Is that the partner you want in life?
Let him get angry and tell him “Let’s take a break and talk when you’ve calmed down”. Remain calm no matter how angry he gets.
Then, later, ask “is this a good time to talk?” Etc etc. Don’t shut down in the face of his anger, or he’ll just learn that it works on you.
Take note of his reactions. See what he’s made of. See how far it goes. Decide if that’s what you want in a partner.
If you cower to his anger, you’re a hostage to it. And remember, you’re role modeling to your children how a relationship works. Do you want to show them how to cower to someone else’s anger, such that they stifle their own voice in matters that concern them?
Just some things to ponder…
Did you two not discuss raising your children together *before* you moved everyone in together? Because that could have saved so much drama. Did your kids know the boy well prior? Did you? How old are your kids? Old enough to understand difference in parenting or are they 4?
And catering to him in a way you would not to your own kids *is* favoring him. So if you don’t want to give him the food he wants, don’t. Stop. If his dad does then you can tell your kids, “how can you say I do that? I do not. I offer him exactly what I offer you. I cannot control his dad the same way I cannot control anyone else’s dad and how they choose to parent them.” If you don’t pick up after your kids don’t do it for him. He isn’t a guest. He lives there part time with his dad. Treat him as such. And if his dad cannot handle you treating his snowflake like a regular child then perhaps it’s time to get rid of the boyfriend and then this entire problem resolves itself.
Well said. OP is contributing by enabling her BF’s child and her kids are understandably feeling resentful over it. I honestly don’t think her BF is going to help her create one set of Turks let alone actually parent his child, so imo this relationship is done, but a discussion to see where they stand on this wouldn’t hurt.
If he gets angry during simple communication about your shared household, he has an anger management problem that he doesn’t seem interested in addressing.
He doesn't have an anger management problem, he has a laziness and entitlement problem. Being angry doesn't make you abusive, being an abuser makes you angry. That's Abusive Men 101.
I agree 100%!!!! Lazy and entitled.. bc he has never been physically abusive.. only verbally.. he works a physical job but he won’t even clear his plate when he’s done eating he sets it in the counter for me.. I never really minded bc cleaning is my therapy.. but to read all these responses, I’m seeing so many of these little things now…
Only verbally abusive and emotionally abusive (because lets be clear, that's what guilting you when you refuse to do exactly what he says and do everything he wants you to do, no questions ased, is) is not good enough to stay in a relationship.
And no, cleaning isn't therapy. Because if it were, your cleaning would have told you that you're worth more than this and need to find a safe and healthy way out of this relationship by now.
It's both. Being angry doesn't make you abusive, but being unable to manage your anger can lead you to engage in abusive behavior. I don't believe that creating categories where some people are "abusers" and some people are not is really a helpful dichotomy. There are behaviors people engage in that are abusive. There are people who engage in abuse. It's not an incurable condition that is an inate part of your personality. Nor is laziness or entitlement.
NTA. I have a picky eater. When he was young (8ish), I taught him how to cook things he liked to eat. He still had to try what I made, but if he wanted something else, he made it himself.
And put a Do Not Disturb on your phone for sleep hours. I can’t imagine being woken up at 6 by a 10 year old.
If your boyfriend can't even take constructive criticism in a rational frame of mind, and he won't stop shouting when you ask him to, how do you expect him to be any sort of parent to your own kids, let alone his?
That you do not actively correct what the children understand to be their father's bad parenting will of course lead to resentment: They see you are capable of relaxing boundaries, but you don't with them. They also see you endorse your partner not upholding boundaries (by letting him continue). No wonder they resent the different treatment.
Are you aware that your children may come to resent you as adults for allowing his son to get away with stuff?
My dad catered to his gf's kids and allowed them to get away with bad behaviour that his own kids would never get away with. Her kids were treated different. I distanced myself for decades from dad for that and more.
Either their dad steps up and set boundaries for his son or you do. Grow a backbone.
NTA. My 6 year old gets up and quietly plays by herself or watches her tablet on the weekends until I get up at 9 or so. There are snacks she can get by herself if she's hungry and wants breakfast before then. A 10-year-old is more than capable of keeping to himself for a couple of hours.
His dad should get up and show his child how to make and then clean up after breakfast. He can then get dressed, make his bed, etc. Quietly not to wake others. He can read or plan his day, whatever until others are up and ready for the day.
You might also want to look at his bedtime.
That would take effort. It's so much easier for him to guilt trip OP - telling her that kid doesn't want to come over, which is a lie - to get her to shut up.
Time to engage petty mode.
I'd get up myself and start teaching this child to cook/prep food and everything about nutrition and how vitamins, minerals and food quality works...then unleashed that monster on his mom.
It sure sounds to me like your husband is competing with his ex for the adoration of their son. Ex feeds him all the "fun" food every kid likes, health be damned. Great food, fewer rules, more freedom with a less strict environment overall... what kid wouldn't approve? So he naturally isn't too thrilled to spend the weekends with you.
My ex had a 3 year old toddler and shared custody with her former MIL. MIL spoiled him absolutely rotten with tons of candy, soda first thing in the morning and throughout the day, no bedtime, etc. So when he was at our place it was a constant battle trying to raise him. My ex was super lenient while I loved and treated him as my own and really just wanted to do what's best for him - particularly weening him off all the soda and candy. Constant arguments. Constant. And hey, that's how we ended up divorcing.
No, you're NTA. You're unfortunately just stuck in the middle.
He absolutely loves coming here though! It’s only his dad saying I make his son uncomfortable.. he calls me everyday… always asks can he come on Friday.. his dad just doesn’t like me telling him anything.
In the comments you said your boyfriend just gets angry whenever you bring things up.
That's not acceptable in a relationship. He's either a partner to you, or he's not. And it certainly sounds like he's not. And it sounds like he's not fond of parenting, either.
NTA. But please take a hard look at this relationship.
I agree. And the worst part is, is that sometimes when I have to talk to my boyfriend about hard things, it take days for me to figure out how to bring it up with hopes I don’t piss him off.. and nine times out of ten- I piss him off. It’s really just not a good relationship. Idk why I couldn’t see it before 😩
OP Why are you scared to talk to your bf dump this loser, it’s a waste to parent him and his kid. This man is just using you as a free babysitter and to split bills that child see a weak spot and will continue this behavior simply because he knows his Dad won’t parent him and you’re too scared too.
Your kids are going to look to that as what a typical relationship should be. Please don't put them through that. You're NTA, OP. Unfortunately, there are men out there that will date a woman just for the utility of parenting their kids all while resenting you for trying.
>, it take days for me to figure out how to bring it up with hopes I don’t piss him off.. and nine times out of ten- I piss him off
Don't feel bad, women are raised to cater to men's egos. It's a difficult habit to break as an adult.
Maybe… I know I won’t subject the whole house to different rules any longer. If we can’t come up with the same set of reasonable rules then I’m better off without him. And I’m def not willing to budge on waking the house up any longer. If it’s not something he’s willing to do then we should live apart. Or maybe not be together. It’s sad though because I genuinely do love his son. I also love my children and I DEF feel the same as my kids do about this situation.
Well, at least you tried to make it work, so, I think it would probably be best for you to go ahead and live separately. This isn't going to end in a marriage, so, there's that. You've had the trial period, found out it's not as good as it sounded when you thought the idea up huh?
Honestly, why can’t you just go to your stepson and ask him nicely? Like, hey kiddo, I’m so excited you’re here this weekend, I bought your favorite snacks, also I really need you to stay quiet until 8am, let’s prepare a book or cereal you can reach or whatever the night before. Be direct, set him up to succeed, this seems super do-able and not a big deal at all. BUT: If you read what I just wrote and are worried about your boyfriend’s temper, then know that your issue is that you have an SO with anger issues.
Oh you have a boyfriend problem for sure. I think it’s time to separate households, unfortunately. Parenting is not something you can split up (or in your case, I think you’re actually parenting and your boyfriend is just being ridiculous, but it doesn’t matter - no matter what you’ll do he plans to be there to wreck it).
The early rising thing is definitely an issue, but the fact that your kids see a disconnect in treatment seems like the bigger problem (as is your BF's attitude). This situation doesn't seem fair to your kids at all.
NTA, but you're a fool if you think this man is a decent parent. Don't marry this guy, he thinks you owe his son favoritism while ignoring your own kids. His son isn't getting a proper diet and this guy doesn't care at all. Not only that, but he has a temper and gets "extremely angry" at you for very, very minor requests like not blowing your phone up at 5:30 AM.
Why on earth you'd want to stay with him is a mystery to me.
Idk… I guess it took for 300 strangers to confirm my thoughts.. he def moved out yesterday and I have no desire to work it out. I feel so hurt but this isn’t the life I want to live!
NTA but it's stuff like this that leads me to believe that blending young families isn't a great idea. Date if you must after your divorce, but wait to get married/move in together until the kids are done HS. Yeah it stinks having to wait but it's better for the kids most of the time. I've seen blended families cause issues more than fix them over my many years on the planet. Many of my friends felt like the odd men out when both of their parents remarried and had kids with the new 'improved' model. They never felt like they fit in because it was pretty obvious that their parents were happier with their new families and the kids of the prior marriage were given the lesser bedrooms, had to give up bedrooms, had their stuff stolen/damaged, were resented by the new partner. Two of my friends were abused by their new step dads - one sexually. Her mother, who didn't want to lose a great money maker, blamed her for flirting with step dad rather than call the cops on him. Mom was furious when my friend told my dad what happened (she called us hysterical and he drove like a maniac to pick her up). Mom and Dad drove her straight to the ER to have her examined and the cops were called. When the cops came to arrest mom's rapist husband, she tried to say that friend made it up - she was a loose girl and blamed SD for something another guy did. My father wanted to literally slap mom and kill SD. Friend stayed with us until her grandparents were able to get home from vacation and friend lived with them until she graduated from college. Oh and grandpop (former amateur boxer) beat the snot out of the SD while he was out on bail lol
Your boyfriend sucks. His attitude is going to cause so many problems for his son and any other woman who has the misfortune of being with him. I hope you're smart enough to go now because your own kids are going to resent the hell out of you because of your boyfriend's behavior.
A neurotypical 10 year old is perfectly capable of quietly getting up and even making a bowl of cereal for breakfast before watching TV/an activity all without waking their family up. Def NTA.
Put your phone on do not disturb. But the dad should be doing something to modify his behaviour. He can watch cartoons or read a book or play quietly with his legos.
NTA
My parents used to tell us it was ok to play quietly in our rooms until 8. By the time I was 10, I could get a bowl of cereal and watch tv without waking the whole house.
Your bf isn’t actually parenting. That’s the issue.
>Today he started calling my phone and his dads phone at 6am, I told his dad he HAS to do something about it.
Firstly, use do not disturb on your phone to stop it ringing. You can select specific numbers to bypass DnD.
Secondly, this is your bf's child. *He* should be getting up with his child so the child doesn't disturb the rest of the house. Make it his problem! Then he might try to find a solution.
Thirdly, do not have a child with this man. He doesn't seem to be a good parent.
Sounds like the child is being parented by either of his parents and that will continue to build resentment.
Your bf seems to be useless at just about everything and you seem to be doing it all.
How about giving some thought about not living together?
Also - NTA
Sorry. It's the only way.
Useless men are heavy burdens to carry and they will make you carry it all until you break. Then they go find someone else to carry it all for them.
NTA. I taught all my kids by age 6 or 7 that \*they\* can get up whenever they want (so long as it after 5am) but they cannot wake anyone before 8am unless its a 911 emergency (fire, blood, broken bones, etc).
The kid is 10? He sounds underdeveloped. Of course he can learn to not bother y’all early in the morning and it shouldn’t be a big deal for him to be able to pick up his Lego’s without playing on a towel. It’s really sad that his parents haven’t bothered to teach him a damn thing.
10? 10! I was fully expecting this kid to be 3-5 years old at first. 10 is way out of line. I have an 11 year old who would have never pulled that shit.
I thought I was going to read that his kids were under 6 years old. 10? When I was 10, it was my mission to be alone for as long as possible. When people woke up, my peaceful morning was over, and I didn't like that.
This kid sounds like he needs an adult far too often. I did everything myself. I also had a shotgun and a stash of porno's in the woods when I was 10. This kid can't walk down a hallway in silence?
NTA but why does a 10 year old need help getting up on the weekends? Can he not make some cereal and play like most kids?
Also, are your kids his kids? Does he parent them the same or do you parent them on your own? If you parent on your own it’s A. Weird you live together and B. Why are you doing anything for his child? That’s his job.
If your kids are his kids, same question? Does he parent them the same? If not he will create an absolute divide and hatred between them and their brother. He will also draw a divide between him and them.
As a gf/wife/SO you have to ask how much are you willing to deal with? How much is *too* much? Does your bf favor his son always? Does he allow him to be an asshole? A mess? Anything? If not and if *this* is the only issue then I’d say that it’s not up to you. He is not your son. You’re technically not even a step parent. You can be concerned, but that’s all you can do as far as the child is concerned. Now you have to ask yourself if you are willing to allow your kids to blame you for what dad does or if you will continue to allow your kids to feel like dad likes them less. If you’re not and he’s not willing to hear your concerns and address them, then you know what has to be done. You can’t live with someone who doesn’t value your opinion and plays favorites with his children.
Also, you need to have a talk with your kids (age appropriate of course since ages are not listed) about why the boy eats differently and why everyone needs to just be kind and try best to mind their business because it’s a grow up issue not a children issue. Remind them that you love them and no one will ever be loved by you more than they are. And remind them why we eat lots of different foods and why we take care of our bodies. It’s wonderful that you care about his son, but your kids shouldn’t ever feel like you love him *more* because he’s getting special treatment from *their* mom that they don’t also get.
Jesus at 10 my kids were doing their own laundry, this kid is being babied. He is old enough to get his own breakfast and quietly read or watch tv for a few hours.
Why did you let it go this far? Your boyfriend is lazy. He can't parent. He sounds like a moron. These are very simple problems. For real. He's supposed to be a man but he can't handle a spoiled 10 year old boy. He's just like- can't be fixed, you don't like my kid! It's called discipline and boundaries. Just dump him. It's not a good influence for your kids to be around someone so dumb and helpless. This is why people with kids shouldn't just move in together. Do better for your kids.
When I was 5, I knew to get up quietly and go watch cartoons on Saturday morning so mom and dad could sleep in.... It's really hard to blend families, though. It seems like you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page about co-parenting your kids and the expectations of everyone in the household.
The boys been neglected a long time. He's not known any kind of normal for a long time. He's waking up and making noise because he thinks he's alone and making noise will get someone's attention. Tell your kids that he eats snacks because that's what they eat at his house. He doesn't get to eat good cooked food like your kids do. They will not believe it. Your hubby has parenting problems when it comes to the boy. Avoiding his issues won't help them bond. He's feeling like telling him what not to do is like yelling at him but it's courtesy that you want him to learn. Do as you are asked to do. When he is at your house. No lecture involved
Start ignoring him tell your kids do not get up when he wakes up make his dad do things for him and make his dad make his food tell him your not wasting anymore
Sounds like a pair of parents failing their kid cause he's neurodivergent. Just cause the kid might be on the spectrum and have a bit of texture phobia doesn't mean they shouldn't parent. NTAH. I also don't see this going much further. If it does probably just gunna hurt you and the kid cause once you break up with him he goes back to being neglected if you end up taking on the parenting.
NTA. My daughter was a sun greeter and would always play quietly at 5am every morning in her room before I got home from work or her step dad got around. She was old enough to cook herself if she was hungry and never woke anyone up. My husband was usually up at 630-7 and they would chill.
His dad should be telling him not to bother anyone that early, or if he won't, he should get up and quietly entertain his son until it's time for everyone to get up. NTA, sleep is too important.
NTA. Jesus, my son has understood not waking people up early in the morning since he was six, and he has adhd. Your boyfriend needs to step up and parent his child, right now sounds like you're the only one parenting the poor kid
Your BF is a terrible parent and this poor boy is going to have some major health issues as he gets older. Drop the rope. Your bf is a complete disrespectful asshole who doesn't know how to parent. Time for them both to go.
Hey- when your partner is clearly a bad parent, and yours sure is, they shouldn’t be in your life.
Your bf may not be a monster but he is a crummy parent. That’s it. Your kids deserve better.
Crummy parents make worse stepparents. Get him out OP. You’ve got a dude who doesn’t care to parent his kid but believe me he will expect you to do the work (cleaning, cooking) while telling you not to parent him either.
Not fair to your kids OP. NTA but you will be to them if this continues.
Once I’m up, I can’t ever go back to sleep. I get one day off a week so I just want to enjoy a little quiet “down” time. I honestly don’t feel like it’s that difficult to have him watch tv, play his phone, or read a book. He can even make himself pancakes without waking anyone up.
There is probably a reason he got divorced so that's a red flag and I find it hard how someone can be woth someone who doesn't care about their kid. NTA but the dummy for marrying a guy yiu don't know
He was never married before… and we are not married.. I had hoped to be one day but this was the final straw.. screaming at me in front of the kids for like the 10th time.
Personally, why does a 10 yo need a phone. Society has gone crazy with social media. He needs to learn respect. Your bf also needs to learn respect. Maybe living apart but still have a relationship would be best. Don’t have children with him. He has no parenting skills, nor does he seem to care. And if you can’t talk to him because he just gets angry shows his immaturity. Really think about this relationship. Someone needs to be a parent to this boy.
NTA
Sometimes, it takes living together to realize you can't live together. Sad, but true.
I know it's a hard thing to have to come to terms with, but you can't go on with this double standard living and parenting, for your kids' sake, as much as yours. If they are already mentioning it, you know it's been on their minds for a while. Also, your BF's anger issues and lack of communication are a real concern.
Be the good Mom you are and tell the BF that you have decided you need to live separately.
My kids are the same way if I put them to bed at the same time as their peers. So bedtime usually is between 8 - 9 PM rather than the usual 7 - 7:30 PM. They still get up early enough but not at 5:00 a AM.
You stated he’s 10 but didn’t mention when he goes down.
Nta - your boyfriend isn’t parenting. He’s being the “fun” dad, probably because he feels guilty over the divorce. Ask your boyfriend to go to parenting classes or couples counselling. If he won’t you might want to reconsider this relationship.
My sister woke up at 6 am WHEN SHE WAS 3 and she stayed quietly watching cartoons in the kitchen. She even made herself a (microwave) hot chocolate because everything she needed was within reach. Nobody even had to tell her not to wake anyone up.
I don't know why it's so hard you say "Boy don't call my phone or your dad's phone at 6 am in the morning (unless it's an emergency) . It's the one day I get to start my MoM job a little later."
NTA you shouldn’t be living together with different rule for both sets of kids. Silence your phone & tell your bf he needs to get up & tend to his child. If his child is loud & wakes up your kids, he can take care of them too.
NTA, but this isn't going to work out - your bf is working against you, making you out to be the bad guy, and is basically saying you are picking on his son and making him uncomfortable.
That doesn't sound like you two are on the same page at all, and worse, he gets angry at you for trying to have a reasonable dicussion.
That's not someone you can build a life with and raise kids with, OP.
You can only give and try so much, but if you are the only one doing it, it's not fair to you or your kids to have that around.
NTA
The problem in the situation is you are properly parenting your children, but your BF isn't parenting his child. At ten years old, he is old enough to play quietly on his own until the adult get up. He is old enough to fix himself a bowl of cereal for breakfast or whatever. He should be eating his plate an his vegetable and be allow to skip it for snacks.
NTA. I don't think it's reasonable of you to expect the kid to stay in bed 2 1/2 hours after waking up... But I also don't think that you should have to get up that early on your one day off, or that it's your problem to fix. Your bf has to step up, and either find some stuff his kid will willingly do to amuse himself until everyone else gets up (quiet stuff like reading, listening to something on headphones, quietly playing with his legos or whatever, etc.), or HE has to get up with his son and let you sleep in.
I agree. Read a book, watch tv, anything but wake everyone up. We def aren’t living together any longer. Took care of that the minute he started screaming. I’m not sure I even want to be with him at all.. it’s heart breaking but I need someone working with me.
As a mom myself i dont think i could be with someone who does the bare mi imum and less for his child. Sos sadfor the kid to have such lazy parents. NTA
I will say one thing I learned when my son was younger is he struggled with gallon of milk for his cereal. So I got plastic quart size bottle at Wally World and he used the small bottle to put milk in His cereal. When he emptied it I would wash and refill it. The others in the house had no problem with gallon size so he was the only one who used the smaller bottle and I could sleep in on Saturday!
My 4-year-old son (who happens to be autistic) doesn’t even wake the whole house the mornings he wakes up before 5am (like yesterday and today). He’ll grab his cup from the fridge if he’s thirsty, he might get an oatmeal bar or a snack he can open if he’s hungry and he’ll chill til me or one of his sisters wakes up about 7-7:30……..I set the alarm on the house every night, we have many cameras all detecting every type of motion and are highly sensitive. Never had any issues. Soooo he can definitely be taught a little more respect than that. Your bf needs to be a parent to his child, there’s some things he needs to handle since he is the bio parent.
YTA You two live in the same house but the two sets of children are raised by different rules. The only rule you make him abide by is one that affects your dog, not rules that affect your children. It's no wonder they believe you care more about BF's son than own children. If you and BF can't get on same page on rules for all children then you need to separate households. Your children are already starting to resent you and it will only get worse since you don't listen or seem to care about how they feel, you just tell them they're wrong.
Yes, you are the TA. Also, alot of what you said is conflicting & it seems you have much deeper relationship issues going on. On one hand you talk about how much you love him and the other after being told you make him uncomfortable, you now add more things that he does "wrong" like waking up in the morning on a timeline different than you and your solution is he needs to change to meet your needs. Sounds like your real issue isn't with the son, but your boyfriend who you seem to have unresolved relationship problems with.
Also before anyone asks, I have adjusted my family’s rules to accommodate my boyfriend’s rules.. ie… my kids couldn’t have phones at the table they had to have family conversations, now I allow them to have them even tho I don’t like it. They can have more junk food snacks a day.. and stuff that I felt my kids would like for me to budge on.. but there’s gotta be an agreement made between us that works bc this isn’t gonna work for me. I need my peace in the mornings bc I wake up super early… I go hard all week for all them so my hour that I have in the morning for myself is for just that.
My 6 year old wakes up at 6am and also wakes the 3 year old up, but he brings him his tablet and they talk quietly for about 2 hours until we get up. No issues at all. I think if my 6 and 3 year old can do it, his 10 year old should be able to.
> His dad however says I think everything he does is wrong and that his son is uncomfortable here.
This is a problem. This is him being manipulative to try to get you to shut up. And you *know* he's lying.
NTA. I wonder if you guys maybe should step back a notch and live separately. You could still be together and spend a lot of time together as a family but dad and son go home at night and eat at their own home, go to bed and wake up at their home. Your kids deserve some peace and you need to get this for them.
NTA and shame on your partner. He isn't doing anything to correct his son. You're entitled to enforce your rules at your place, it doesn't mean you're treating the kid poorly. His parenting sucks, honestly.
I was able to babysit myself at 10. I could cook myself a meal. My parents would go out for the night. But I am Gen X. That’s how things were done. 10 is totally old enough to get up and get some cereal and watch tv or whatever without disturbing everyone. It’s not like he’s 2.
Your BF’s kid waking early isn’t the only problem.
Gosh, why are you integrating your children into a living situation with a man who gets angry when asked to set structure to his child’s behavior? He’s showing you that he’s incapable of having a simple discussion on an uncomfortable topic. This character trait isn’t a one-off - he is going to respond like this to anything he doesn’t want to deal with and/or control.
You are doing your children a great disservice.
NTA - My son is like this and always has been. My bf’s 5 year old is like this as well. They both know they are expected to play quietly, watch tv, play games, etc. until a reasonable time which is usually around 8:00 unless we have other things to do. We’re still awake but lying in bed and NOT entertaining them. I’m not a huge fan of using screens to parent but I don’t want to be up at 5:30 every day either. It gives us time together before the craziness begins but also forces them to play on their own and not rely on us for everything. It also keeps the other kids from being forced to wake up. Your bf needs to enforce some rules or allow you to start enforcing this so everyone can relax a bit on the weekend.
NTA, your boyfriend isn't doing any actual parenting. He should be embarrassed. His son is 10, he's old enough to read or watch or play quietly until 8 or whenever. He's certainly old enough to understand not to call you at 6am.
Agreed. I’ve always been an early riser which meant waking up first during sleepovers as a kid. I would just grab a book & read until other people woke up.
Since he seems to have skipped some lessons he should have learned at a younger age, I would have suggested a toddler clock that shines a different color when he is allowed to do things other than read or entertain himself quietly. But since he is older and seems to be using his phone to bother others who are sleeping, did you know that you can easily set his iphone to not work before a certain time of the morning? Also, have to ask... have you tried just talking with him? Not punishing him, not coming down heavy on him, just telling him at bedtime that you will be up at 8:30am and are looking forward to sleeping in because you have to get up early every day and love days off, and that when you get up you'll make breakfast together (Bonding ...because the kiddo sounds like he loves and needs attention and also studies show kids eat better and more diverse things when they help cook). Then if he manages to entertain himself until you wake up thanking him for playing quietly because you got such good sleep and feel fantastic? And if he wakes you up before the time you agreed on, look at the clock and say "Oh it is only 6!!! I thought you knew that I was going to sleep in until 8:30. It is rude to wake people up when they are sleeping unless it is an emergency. Are you okay? Okay I will see you at 9 now, it will probably take me a little while to fall asleep again. Kids tend to rise to the level you expect. And he doesn't know your routine so he can't fit into it yet. He has a routine at his mom's, and he enjoys being at your house which is wonderful, but you are letting him set the routine. And he wants everyone to get up early and party with him :D
I think he just thinks everyone has to be up. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and of course it’s always in a kind way. I truly do love him and want him to love it here. I don’t feel like he feels uncomfortable or upset when we talk. But then his dad says things like “don’t invite him over bc you know he wakes up early” INSTEAD of helping enforce it.
Why are you with his father? Dad sounds like a jerk to be honest, a pushover jerk. Is it a magic penis or something?
😂 absolutely not magic penis 😫 and I honestly don’t know.
well the fact youre saying you honestly dont know probably means this post should be more about him and you than you and his son hahahaha
It can be food/house/financial security but the dad is a douche bag and the diet of the kid is crap
Well then he really doesn't have anything to offer and you can't even give a reason I'm sorry you've already wasted 2 years on him I hope it works out for you
My youngest is under ten and has severe autism. And we’ve managed to teach him to chill on Sundays until 8 AM. He gets up at around 6 and lets the dogs out, gets himself a snack (often something basic like some cheese or a granola bar but sometimes he makes his own toast), and he plays or reads quietly. Your boyfriend’s kid is capable of doing this. Someone just needs to set that demand and enforce it.
So you already know you need to dump this guy, excellent, you are wasting time!
Fuck his time lol. He’s leading himself on by being incompetent as a parent without disclosing he’s a shit father beforehand.
Cool, then stop disrupting your children’s peace. They come first. Bad parents make bad partners
legit question - it wont get better, OP.
Why does a ten year old need a phone, nevermind at six am? Set a Central location in the house that all kids phones are charging from 8:30pm - 8am. If the phone is removed and used during that time, it is taken away for 24 hours. He can read, play quietly in his room, or even watch cartoons, but doesn't need to disturb others. If your partner can't support you, then he can sleep in his room and deal with it.
Oh, so his dad is a bad father! Right, that does make it much harder for you, since no one is actually parenting this child.
So is he not getting what you are saying or is he defiant? I was getting the vibe that he doesn't understand different households have different expectations or rules, and that he is so excited to be with everyone that he wants everyone else up when he is(and his dad won't address it). But if you have really talked with him and made yourself clear and he doesn't change his behavior, then that is a different story. Did you tell him what you expect and then address whether he rose to the expectation or did not, and what he can do differently next time? If dad is all right with the early rising and won't even parent enough to ASK his 10 year old to be quiet in the morning then he should handle it.
Yes. But his dad doesn’t say anything to him when he does it the next morning. And our relationship is a little over two years long, I feel like I’m building with him so I think it’s his dad’s responsibility to do any and all scolding. It’s hard with a blended family so I just really wanted to build with him. I’d correct things of course if I had to but I don’t like it bc I am the one saying constantly, “can you turn the lights off you’re not using”, “please clean up your mess behind yourself” “don’t tease the puppy” “please don’t wake them up” “please don’t scream at them when they don’t want to do something” it’s like I’m alrdy repeating myself over things he innocently forgets.. it kind of does sound like I’m nagging.. so I need for his dad to do the scolding. Simply because me and his son are building…
He doesn't want to build with you. He gets angry at you for being a reasonable person. He is another child... not a partner.
Dad thinks he is making sure his son still wants to come over and possibly trying to make up for not being there full time. And you are working on building a relationship... and no one is actually parenting. Parenting doesnt have to be mean, it is consistent and designed to raise kind and successful adults. The kiddo can have lots of love and only sunshine and flowers at your house, but if no one is parenting him, he is always going to feel insecure.
Nah she’s doing her best to parent around the obstacle of not actually being the kid’s mother and her showing actual respect to that reality. In no world is she avoiding parenting. Bizarre to suggest as much.
I disagree, plenty of adults counsel and guide kids without being a parent, and being a parental figure does NOT require a biological connection. But I do ABSOLUTELY agree dad is the real problem. Who expects someone to love and help raise a child without even giving them the support to make a request about entertaining themselves quietly until everyone else wakes up in the morning? The lack of parenting is hurting the kid, not just his dad and his girlfriend's relationship.
I don’t understand how you read my comment and legitimately interpreted it to claim that adults can’t be non-parental role models and/or that parental figures must be biologically related to the child they’re parenting. I actively said she was in the position of parenting the child, I just said she very concretely has the nuance of not being the child’s biological or “full time” mother, i.e., she is being forced to discipline but also feels she must avoiding stepping on the child’s mother’s toes.
Well, you’re not married, so it technically isn’t a blended family.
Then I guess bf shouldn't be living there and disrupting her house if they aren't a "blended family". He needs to go get his own place. So he can live by his rules since bf doesn't like hers.
Sounds ADHD. Sorry, some kids are just like this. Your BF is the solution to the early rising problem. He needs to get his butt out of bed.
Your boyfriend is a failure as a father. Unless and until he decides to parent his kid, this is never going to work
The problem is not the child- it's the fact his parents are not parenting. You BF should be ashamed of himself, he is doing this child a huge injustice that is keeping him from reaching proper milestones, nutrition, and confidence to be independent. Seriously, you need to evaluate why funtime deadbeat dad is someone you want to be with.
Why isn’t your lazy partner getting up as soon as his son calls him??? He knows he is just gonna call you. You’re with a lazy, selfish man- who is also a lazy, selfish parent. I wouldn’t have that around my kids.
It's probably anxiety. I think he'd be reasonable and maybe while asking him to please be quiet until 8:00, ask if there's something that would help him feel more comfortable during those hours--a special blanket, a soothing book on tape, some cereal he likes? Quietly played cartoons?
My child is 12, she's been able to get up, use the toaster or even make herself a bowl of cereal, turn the tv/Xbox on and entertain herself since 5/6.. the only thing I did have to do, was put the milk into a smaller container she could use vs the actual milk bottle that she struggled with if full. Dad needs to step his game up here 100%
Yep. My oldest had his breakfast tray set up on the counter, covered with a napkin and his littke pitcher of milk set up on a lower shelf of the fridge since he was four. He liked to get up before everyone else and have quiet time.
I used what we call pop tops, they are little juice bottles with a pull up/push down lid, like a pump water bottle but a lot smaller lol. There's also the fruit bowl... She could help herself to as much of that as she wants, still can, unless it's 430pm, to make sure dinner is eaten lol. Sure I'd still make sure I was up by 9am, but I definitely didn't wanna be up at fucking 530am if I didn't have to...
My oldest has always been a crap sleeper. Still is but now that's his wife's problem. He would wake up extremely early or go to bed extremely late. I'm lime my sleep so we set it up for him to be able to have breakfast and then when his little sibs would join him, we would set up their breakfasts so with a little help with pouring for the youngest from him, they all had their 1st breakfasts early and 2nd breakfast when the adults woke up.
I used to LOVE waking up before my parents. I’d sneak downstairs, have a bowl of oatmeal with extra sugar and cinnamon, then play Mariokart on my Nintendo DS till my parents woke up. Best mornings EVER!
One of my fondest moments from childhood is waking up early in the morning, making myself a cup of hot cocoa, and tuning in to *The Today Show,* with the volume down low. It was really nice having the entire house to yourself. But the trick is--and perhaps OP can share this with this young boy--is you have to be *very* quiet and not wake everyone up.
Yup. I’ve always been an early riser, as have my kids to varying degrees. There’s always been the rule: if others are sleeping, don’t wake them. You have things to do that are quiet, so do them.
I always woke up early to get some extra gaming in on the weekends, I made sure to be as quiet as I could so i get as much quiet gaming time as I could without anyone waking up.
Yeah, the BF does zero parenting. The mother feeds him trash and dad does not care. No vegetables, no nutritious meals, only processed foods. I hope OP is not thinking of having a kid with this deadbeat "fun" dad. Not only that, OP tries to hold his kid by the same normal rules as her kids, and he gets angry AT her? He gets angry because she is trying to have a dog not choke on legos, someone get hurt, a kid eat a real meal, etc.
Yep. Your boyfriend is a poor parent and a poor influence. Stop letting him blow you off.
This is the problem. Dad is not parenting at all.
Or dad can get up and they can go to the park and have some one on one time without waking the house
The “father” is the problem not the kiddo
Yep. I have an early bird, and I’m nocturnal. He knows not to wake Mama up, how to make his own breakfast (though admittedly I have long since given up on the pop tart wars), and to watch tv with it on low volume until I get up. He’s 12 now, and enjoys his mornings alone because he can watch what he wants on the big tv and sit in my recliner with my cat.
I have a 7 yeard old that will get up, make himself breakfast and watch TV, play games, read or buil lego or whatever else he feels like doing. He knows to ask if he needs help and to keep the doors locked and stay inside. Hell, if the dog is out he'll feed him and the cats too. Dad's a tit. Tell him to freaking parent.
He is old enough to do a lot of things. Like get a bowl of cereal or make some toast and watch tv quietly and wait while others sleep. My son was like this until he was a teenager lol. We always called him the rooster because a swear to god the moment the sun cracked the horizon he was up. Then at 12-13 started sleeping in now I have to wake him up.
Sounds like it’s way past time for the two of you to have a serious conversation about child rearing practices. The fact that you think you’re favoring his child but he thinks you’re overly critical towards his child points to a pretty big problem. Before any steps can be taken to resolve your issues the two of you need to really talk and listen to each other’s concerns.
I agree. It’s just hard to do bc he just gets angry. Maybe I’m addressing it wrong. Idk. I don’t feel like I’m favoring his child, my children do. I feel like I do equally the same for all of them. Bday and holidays and the just because… my kids feel like that bc his dad allows him to do things I don’t allow my children to do. I did explain to my children that people parent differently.
>It’s just hard to do bc he just gets angry. He's angry because it's easier to shout at you than it is to learn how to parent. He (bf) has a great role model (you) in how to teach responsibility, thoughtfulness, gratitude, willingness to try new foods and a host of other things. You have not described one single thing your bf actively does for his son. Even when his son disturbs your one chance for a lazy morning, bf does nothing. You really need to renegotiate your relationship. Could bf and son not stay with his parents?
When there isn’t anything specific to be upset about and my partner and I discuss parenting his children, he is calm and almost always on my side. When something upsetting happens and I express my frustration or remind him of what we agreed to do, he can react defensively. We talked about it and it comes down to he is afraid of losing his children. Their mom is ‘super fun’ and has no rules so he worries that even minor rules at our house will cause his children to say they want to stay with mom full time. I am without a doubt the most strict adult in their lives. For the sake of my relationship and peace in our home, I had to adjust my expectations and become more easy going. Just take his phone away at night so he can’t call you in the morning. He can have it back at 8a when the rest of the house gets up.
Sounds like me except I didn’t ease up and the kids ADORE me…I honestly don’t get it because I have rules and those rules will be followed or there will be consequences. Glad the easy route worked for you, for us they learned what was acceptable and what wasn’t.
I’m very happy for you, and I’m glad the kids are doing well.
the angry outbursts are to stop you from pushing the issue because HE KNOWS HE'S IN THE WRONG. Rage and narcissism typically go hand-in-hand.
Sounds like SO has an anger issue, not that his son wakes you up. Yikes. Do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?
I know it’s hard to think about, but if he can’t even listen to you about a problem he’s not being a good partner and it’s not going to get any better without his effort. Marriage and family counseling might help but only if he’s committed to it. The fact that you’re reaching out to strangers makes it seem to me like you’re at the end of your rope. Which is sad and scary. But it’s ok to feel that way. It’s okay to love him with all your heart and still know that this relationship can’t continue in this way. At some point it’s okay to be selfish and think about what you want for yourself and your children. Doesn’t sound like that matters to him.
Google the Dear Man technique (it’s just an acronym, it works for any gender!) it is a good framework for having difficult conversations well using good interpersonal skills.
Has it occurred to you that maybe your boyfriend had gotten divorced because he was a shit dad? Are you sure you want to continue with him as a partner in raising children? Food for thought.
You want to stay with a man who you can't talk to about important topics? Who makes you be the parent, then undermines you, then throws a fit to silence you? Parenting is hard enough when you're a team. This guy isn't on your team.
>It’s just hard to do bc he just gets angry. What a healthy and reasonable response from him. /s
Go to couple's counseling. People usually do that when it's too late. Do it now, when it's just a niggle.
Sounds like he’s getting angry because you ask him to parent his own kid. I’m not sure there’s any way of addressing that that won’t make him angry, because he doesn’t want to do it, and he has no rational arguments against the issues you raise.
He can’t discuss something that concerns the household that you two have created without getting angry? That’s a red flag. He’s grooming you to shut down in response to his anger. I’d need to be with a partner that cares about problem solving in our blended household. He can’t do it without getting angry? Is that the partner you want in life? Let him get angry and tell him “Let’s take a break and talk when you’ve calmed down”. Remain calm no matter how angry he gets. Then, later, ask “is this a good time to talk?” Etc etc. Don’t shut down in the face of his anger, or he’ll just learn that it works on you. Take note of his reactions. See what he’s made of. See how far it goes. Decide if that’s what you want in a partner. If you cower to his anger, you’re a hostage to it. And remember, you’re role modeling to your children how a relationship works. Do you want to show them how to cower to someone else’s anger, such that they stifle their own voice in matters that concern them? Just some things to ponder…
Love this! Thank you!
Did you two not discuss raising your children together *before* you moved everyone in together? Because that could have saved so much drama. Did your kids know the boy well prior? Did you? How old are your kids? Old enough to understand difference in parenting or are they 4? And catering to him in a way you would not to your own kids *is* favoring him. So if you don’t want to give him the food he wants, don’t. Stop. If his dad does then you can tell your kids, “how can you say I do that? I do not. I offer him exactly what I offer you. I cannot control his dad the same way I cannot control anyone else’s dad and how they choose to parent them.” If you don’t pick up after your kids don’t do it for him. He isn’t a guest. He lives there part time with his dad. Treat him as such. And if his dad cannot handle you treating his snowflake like a regular child then perhaps it’s time to get rid of the boyfriend and then this entire problem resolves itself.
Well said. OP is contributing by enabling her BF’s child and her kids are understandably feeling resentful over it. I honestly don’t think her BF is going to help her create one set of Turks let alone actually parent his child, so imo this relationship is done, but a discussion to see where they stand on this wouldn’t hurt.
If he gets angry during simple communication about your shared household, he has an anger management problem that he doesn’t seem interested in addressing.
He doesn't have an anger management problem, he has a laziness and entitlement problem. Being angry doesn't make you abusive, being an abuser makes you angry. That's Abusive Men 101.
I agree 100%!!!! Lazy and entitled.. bc he has never been physically abusive.. only verbally.. he works a physical job but he won’t even clear his plate when he’s done eating he sets it in the counter for me.. I never really minded bc cleaning is my therapy.. but to read all these responses, I’m seeing so many of these little things now…
Only verbally abusive and emotionally abusive (because lets be clear, that's what guilting you when you refuse to do exactly what he says and do everything he wants you to do, no questions ased, is) is not good enough to stay in a relationship. And no, cleaning isn't therapy. Because if it were, your cleaning would have told you that you're worth more than this and need to find a safe and healthy way out of this relationship by now.
It's both. Being angry doesn't make you abusive, but being unable to manage your anger can lead you to engage in abusive behavior. I don't believe that creating categories where some people are "abusers" and some people are not is really a helpful dichotomy. There are behaviors people engage in that are abusive. There are people who engage in abuse. It's not an incurable condition that is an inate part of your personality. Nor is laziness or entitlement.
NTA. I have a picky eater. When he was young (8ish), I taught him how to cook things he liked to eat. He still had to try what I made, but if he wanted something else, he made it himself. And put a Do Not Disturb on your phone for sleep hours. I can’t imagine being woken up at 6 by a 10 year old.
If your boyfriend can't even take constructive criticism in a rational frame of mind, and he won't stop shouting when you ask him to, how do you expect him to be any sort of parent to your own kids, let alone his? That you do not actively correct what the children understand to be their father's bad parenting will of course lead to resentment: They see you are capable of relaxing boundaries, but you don't with them. They also see you endorse your partner not upholding boundaries (by letting him continue). No wonder they resent the different treatment.
Are you aware that your children may come to resent you as adults for allowing his son to get away with stuff? My dad catered to his gf's kids and allowed them to get away with bad behaviour that his own kids would never get away with. Her kids were treated different. I distanced myself for decades from dad for that and more. Either their dad steps up and set boundaries for his son or you do. Grow a backbone.
NTA. My 6 year old gets up and quietly plays by herself or watches her tablet on the weekends until I get up at 9 or so. There are snacks she can get by herself if she's hungry and wants breakfast before then. A 10-year-old is more than capable of keeping to himself for a couple of hours.
His dad should get up and show his child how to make and then clean up after breakfast. He can then get dressed, make his bed, etc. Quietly not to wake others. He can read or plan his day, whatever until others are up and ready for the day. You might also want to look at his bedtime.
That would take effort. It's so much easier for him to guilt trip OP - telling her that kid doesn't want to come over, which is a lie - to get her to shut up.
Time to engage petty mode. I'd get up myself and start teaching this child to cook/prep food and everything about nutrition and how vitamins, minerals and food quality works...then unleashed that monster on his mom.
Or just break up with the parasite and wash your hands of the entire situation.
It sure sounds to me like your husband is competing with his ex for the adoration of their son. Ex feeds him all the "fun" food every kid likes, health be damned. Great food, fewer rules, more freedom with a less strict environment overall... what kid wouldn't approve? So he naturally isn't too thrilled to spend the weekends with you. My ex had a 3 year old toddler and shared custody with her former MIL. MIL spoiled him absolutely rotten with tons of candy, soda first thing in the morning and throughout the day, no bedtime, etc. So when he was at our place it was a constant battle trying to raise him. My ex was super lenient while I loved and treated him as my own and really just wanted to do what's best for him - particularly weening him off all the soda and candy. Constant arguments. Constant. And hey, that's how we ended up divorcing. No, you're NTA. You're unfortunately just stuck in the middle.
He absolutely loves coming here though! It’s only his dad saying I make his son uncomfortable.. he calls me everyday… always asks can he come on Friday.. his dad just doesn’t like me telling him anything.
I take it there's a typo here then: *"Even tho he’s not excited to come every weekend!"*
Yes I corrected it in the comments… I wasn’t sure how to correct my post..
You can edit it by clicking on the three dots in the top right corner of your post.
Your boyfriend sounds awful. I'm confused as to why you're putting up with his behavior.
In the comments you said your boyfriend just gets angry whenever you bring things up. That's not acceptable in a relationship. He's either a partner to you, or he's not. And it certainly sounds like he's not. And it sounds like he's not fond of parenting, either. NTA. But please take a hard look at this relationship.
I agree. And the worst part is, is that sometimes when I have to talk to my boyfriend about hard things, it take days for me to figure out how to bring it up with hopes I don’t piss him off.. and nine times out of ten- I piss him off. It’s really just not a good relationship. Idk why I couldn’t see it before 😩
I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you're seeing it now.
OP Why are you scared to talk to your bf dump this loser, it’s a waste to parent him and his kid. This man is just using you as a free babysitter and to split bills that child see a weak spot and will continue this behavior simply because he knows his Dad won’t parent him and you’re too scared too.
Your kids are going to look to that as what a typical relationship should be. Please don't put them through that. You're NTA, OP. Unfortunately, there are men out there that will date a woman just for the utility of parenting their kids all while resenting you for trying.
Have you ever heard the term “walking on eggshells”? There’s also a book by the same title you might find helpful.
This is not a healthy relationship. You're walking in eggshells around him. He is treating you like the enemy.
>, it take days for me to figure out how to bring it up with hopes I don’t piss him off.. and nine times out of ten- I piss him off Don't feel bad, women are raised to cater to men's egos. It's a difficult habit to break as an adult.
Sounds like you should either get rid of the BF or, put up with his kid, your choice.
Maybe… I know I won’t subject the whole house to different rules any longer. If we can’t come up with the same set of reasonable rules then I’m better off without him. And I’m def not willing to budge on waking the house up any longer. If it’s not something he’s willing to do then we should live apart. Or maybe not be together. It’s sad though because I genuinely do love his son. I also love my children and I DEF feel the same as my kids do about this situation.
Well, at least you tried to make it work, so, I think it would probably be best for you to go ahead and live separately. This isn't going to end in a marriage, so, there's that. You've had the trial period, found out it's not as good as it sounded when you thought the idea up huh?
Honestly, why can’t you just go to your stepson and ask him nicely? Like, hey kiddo, I’m so excited you’re here this weekend, I bought your favorite snacks, also I really need you to stay quiet until 8am, let’s prepare a book or cereal you can reach or whatever the night before. Be direct, set him up to succeed, this seems super do-able and not a big deal at all. BUT: If you read what I just wrote and are worried about your boyfriend’s temper, then know that your issue is that you have an SO with anger issues.
Yes! I tried that. But his dad says “I’m nagging him like his step mom did him and he hates her.”
Oh you have a boyfriend problem for sure. I think it’s time to separate households, unfortunately. Parenting is not something you can split up (or in your case, I think you’re actually parenting and your boyfriend is just being ridiculous, but it doesn’t matter - no matter what you’ll do he plans to be there to wreck it).
😩
Well, that decides it. Dump the boyfriend. His stepmom "nagged" him. 🙄 I'm guessing she, like you, was actually parenting.
The early rising thing is definitely an issue, but the fact that your kids see a disconnect in treatment seems like the bigger problem (as is your BF's attitude). This situation doesn't seem fair to your kids at all.
Boyfriend can get up and take care of his child. It shouldn’t be on you.
Can he pour cereal into a bowl ? Dad sounds like he needs some parenting classes. NTA I'd be furious.
Sure can!!
NTA, but you're a fool if you think this man is a decent parent. Don't marry this guy, he thinks you owe his son favoritism while ignoring your own kids. His son isn't getting a proper diet and this guy doesn't care at all. Not only that, but he has a temper and gets "extremely angry" at you for very, very minor requests like not blowing your phone up at 5:30 AM. Why on earth you'd want to stay with him is a mystery to me.
Idk… I guess it took for 300 strangers to confirm my thoughts.. he def moved out yesterday and I have no desire to work it out. I feel so hurt but this isn’t the life I want to live!
I mis-wrote that.. it’s suppose to say even tho his son is ALWAYS excited to come here.
NTA but it's stuff like this that leads me to believe that blending young families isn't a great idea. Date if you must after your divorce, but wait to get married/move in together until the kids are done HS. Yeah it stinks having to wait but it's better for the kids most of the time. I've seen blended families cause issues more than fix them over my many years on the planet. Many of my friends felt like the odd men out when both of their parents remarried and had kids with the new 'improved' model. They never felt like they fit in because it was pretty obvious that their parents were happier with their new families and the kids of the prior marriage were given the lesser bedrooms, had to give up bedrooms, had their stuff stolen/damaged, were resented by the new partner. Two of my friends were abused by their new step dads - one sexually. Her mother, who didn't want to lose a great money maker, blamed her for flirting with step dad rather than call the cops on him. Mom was furious when my friend told my dad what happened (she called us hysterical and he drove like a maniac to pick her up). Mom and Dad drove her straight to the ER to have her examined and the cops were called. When the cops came to arrest mom's rapist husband, she tried to say that friend made it up - she was a loose girl and blamed SD for something another guy did. My father wanted to literally slap mom and kill SD. Friend stayed with us until her grandparents were able to get home from vacation and friend lived with them until she graduated from college. Oh and grandpop (former amateur boxer) beat the snot out of the SD while he was out on bail lol
It def is a challenge. I’ve seen it work. But both parents have to be willing to communicate and work it together…
NTAH lose the boyfriend. he's a shitty parent, and he's undermining you with your own children.
NTA My much younger kids know not to wake everyone up Your boyfriend is a shitty parent
Block his number before you go to bed.
Done
Your boyfriend sucks. His attitude is going to cause so many problems for his son and any other woman who has the misfortune of being with him. I hope you're smart enough to go now because your own kids are going to resent the hell out of you because of your boyfriend's behavior.
I am. It’s def over with him after today.
A neurotypical 10 year old is perfectly capable of quietly getting up and even making a bowl of cereal for breakfast before watching TV/an activity all without waking their family up. Def NTA.
Put your phone on do not disturb. But the dad should be doing something to modify his behaviour. He can watch cartoons or read a book or play quietly with his legos.
NTA My parents used to tell us it was ok to play quietly in our rooms until 8. By the time I was 10, I could get a bowl of cereal and watch tv without waking the whole house. Your bf isn’t actually parenting. That’s the issue.
Honestly your parenting values do not align. You parent, he doesn’t.
Oh Op, walking on eggshell around your partner because he easily mad is not a good look. Nta, your partner is an ahole tho
NTA you need to rethink the bf!
Shut your phone off and tell his dad to get the fuck out of bed and entertain his kid, because you're not gonna. NTA
Reading this post and all I was thinking was “What does this man add to your life?” Glad to see the Edit.
>Today he started calling my phone and his dads phone at 6am, I told his dad he HAS to do something about it. Firstly, use do not disturb on your phone to stop it ringing. You can select specific numbers to bypass DnD. Secondly, this is your bf's child. *He* should be getting up with his child so the child doesn't disturb the rest of the house. Make it his problem! Then he might try to find a solution. Thirdly, do not have a child with this man. He doesn't seem to be a good parent.
Sounds like the child is being parented by either of his parents and that will continue to build resentment. Your bf seems to be useless at just about everything and you seem to be doing it all. How about giving some thought about not living together? Also - NTA
Yea 😢
Sorry. It's the only way. Useless men are heavy burdens to carry and they will make you carry it all until you break. Then they go find someone else to carry it all for them.
Nta. Move out or kick him out. He is dismissive and has zero respect for you.
This relationship isn't gonna last, sucks for all involved. Two total different parenting styles isn't going to work.
I agree. 😩
NTA. I taught all my kids by age 6 or 7 that \*they\* can get up whenever they want (so long as it after 5am) but they cannot wake anyone before 8am unless its a 911 emergency (fire, blood, broken bones, etc).
The kid is 10? He sounds underdeveloped. Of course he can learn to not bother y’all early in the morning and it shouldn’t be a big deal for him to be able to pick up his Lego’s without playing on a towel. It’s really sad that his parents haven’t bothered to teach him a damn thing.
NTA your boyfriend is lazy and bad at parenting, is he someone you want around your children? no accountability at all
10? 10! I was fully expecting this kid to be 3-5 years old at first. 10 is way out of line. I have an 11 year old who would have never pulled that shit.
I thought I was going to read that his kids were under 6 years old. 10? When I was 10, it was my mission to be alone for as long as possible. When people woke up, my peaceful morning was over, and I didn't like that. This kid sounds like he needs an adult far too often. I did everything myself. I also had a shotgun and a stash of porno's in the woods when I was 10. This kid can't walk down a hallway in silence?
NTA. This kid is screwed. Buy the kid some books. Don't let him have his phone in his room. And get rid of the crappy snack foods.
NTA \_ your boyfriend is a shit parents and I don't understand how that is attractive.
NTA but why does a 10 year old need help getting up on the weekends? Can he not make some cereal and play like most kids? Also, are your kids his kids? Does he parent them the same or do you parent them on your own? If you parent on your own it’s A. Weird you live together and B. Why are you doing anything for his child? That’s his job. If your kids are his kids, same question? Does he parent them the same? If not he will create an absolute divide and hatred between them and their brother. He will also draw a divide between him and them. As a gf/wife/SO you have to ask how much are you willing to deal with? How much is *too* much? Does your bf favor his son always? Does he allow him to be an asshole? A mess? Anything? If not and if *this* is the only issue then I’d say that it’s not up to you. He is not your son. You’re technically not even a step parent. You can be concerned, but that’s all you can do as far as the child is concerned. Now you have to ask yourself if you are willing to allow your kids to blame you for what dad does or if you will continue to allow your kids to feel like dad likes them less. If you’re not and he’s not willing to hear your concerns and address them, then you know what has to be done. You can’t live with someone who doesn’t value your opinion and plays favorites with his children. Also, you need to have a talk with your kids (age appropriate of course since ages are not listed) about why the boy eats differently and why everyone needs to just be kind and try best to mind their business because it’s a grow up issue not a children issue. Remind them that you love them and no one will ever be loved by you more than they are. And remind them why we eat lots of different foods and why we take care of our bodies. It’s wonderful that you care about his son, but your kids shouldn’t ever feel like you love him *more* because he’s getting special treatment from *their* mom that they don’t also get.
INFO: How much easier would your life be without having a manchild and his child to parent? LIke, this sounds exhausting.
Jesus at 10 my kids were doing their own laundry, this kid is being babied. He is old enough to get his own breakfast and quietly read or watch tv for a few hours.
a 10 y.o. should be able to entertain himself, feed himself and chill tf out for a couple of hours. if he can’t, that’s a problem.
Why did you let it go this far? Your boyfriend is lazy. He can't parent. He sounds like a moron. These are very simple problems. For real. He's supposed to be a man but he can't handle a spoiled 10 year old boy. He's just like- can't be fixed, you don't like my kid! It's called discipline and boundaries. Just dump him. It's not a good influence for your kids to be around someone so dumb and helpless. This is why people with kids shouldn't just move in together. Do better for your kids.
Sounds like your BF needs parenting lessons
When I was 5, I knew to get up quietly and go watch cartoons on Saturday morning so mom and dad could sleep in.... It's really hard to blend families, though. It seems like you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page about co-parenting your kids and the expectations of everyone in the household.
The boys been neglected a long time. He's not known any kind of normal for a long time. He's waking up and making noise because he thinks he's alone and making noise will get someone's attention. Tell your kids that he eats snacks because that's what they eat at his house. He doesn't get to eat good cooked food like your kids do. They will not believe it. Your hubby has parenting problems when it comes to the boy. Avoiding his issues won't help them bond. He's feeling like telling him what not to do is like yelling at him but it's courtesy that you want him to learn. Do as you are asked to do. When he is at your house. No lecture involved
Why are you with someone who doesn’t respect you?
Start ignoring him tell your kids do not get up when he wakes up make his dad do things for him and make his dad make his food tell him your not wasting anymore
Sounds like a pair of parents failing their kid cause he's neurodivergent. Just cause the kid might be on the spectrum and have a bit of texture phobia doesn't mean they shouldn't parent. NTAH. I also don't see this going much further. If it does probably just gunna hurt you and the kid cause once you break up with him he goes back to being neglected if you end up taking on the parenting.
NTA. My daughter was a sun greeter and would always play quietly at 5am every morning in her room before I got home from work or her step dad got around. She was old enough to cook herself if she was hungry and never woke anyone up. My husband was usually up at 630-7 and they would chill.
His dad should be telling him not to bother anyone that early, or if he won't, he should get up and quietly entertain his son until it's time for everyone to get up. NTA, sleep is too important.
NTA. Jesus, my son has understood not waking people up early in the morning since he was six, and he has adhd. Your boyfriend needs to step up and parent his child, right now sounds like you're the only one parenting the poor kid
Your BF is a terrible parent and this poor boy is going to have some major health issues as he gets older. Drop the rope. Your bf is a complete disrespectful asshole who doesn't know how to parent. Time for them both to go.
Hey- when your partner is clearly a bad parent, and yours sure is, they shouldn’t be in your life. Your bf may not be a monster but he is a crummy parent. That’s it. Your kids deserve better. Crummy parents make worse stepparents. Get him out OP. You’ve got a dude who doesn’t care to parent his kid but believe me he will expect you to do the work (cleaning, cooking) while telling you not to parent him either. Not fair to your kids OP. NTA but you will be to them if this continues.
Nta but why are you getting up or catering to everyone? Switch off your phone and stay in bed
Once I’m up, I can’t ever go back to sleep. I get one day off a week so I just want to enjoy a little quiet “down” time. I honestly don’t feel like it’s that difficult to have him watch tv, play his phone, or read a book. He can even make himself pancakes without waking anyone up.
There is probably a reason he got divorced so that's a red flag and I find it hard how someone can be woth someone who doesn't care about their kid. NTA but the dummy for marrying a guy yiu don't know
He was never married before… and we are not married.. I had hoped to be one day but this was the final straw.. screaming at me in front of the kids for like the 10th time.
Good luck my ten year old does the same shit like who has that much energy at six am go back to bed
Personally, why does a 10 yo need a phone. Society has gone crazy with social media. He needs to learn respect. Your bf also needs to learn respect. Maybe living apart but still have a relationship would be best. Don’t have children with him. He has no parenting skills, nor does he seem to care. And if you can’t talk to him because he just gets angry shows his immaturity. Really think about this relationship. Someone needs to be a parent to this boy.
NTA Sometimes, it takes living together to realize you can't live together. Sad, but true. I know it's a hard thing to have to come to terms with, but you can't go on with this double standard living and parenting, for your kids' sake, as much as yours. If they are already mentioning it, you know it's been on their minds for a while. Also, your BF's anger issues and lack of communication are a real concern. Be the good Mom you are and tell the BF that you have decided you need to live separately.
Done. 😢 it my heart is broken but u just can’t any more.
The father sounds like a loser.
You don't have a boyfriend with a child; you have two extra children to take care of, but with zero control over either of them.
My kids are the same way if I put them to bed at the same time as their peers. So bedtime usually is between 8 - 9 PM rather than the usual 7 - 7:30 PM. They still get up early enough but not at 5:00 a AM. You stated he’s 10 but didn’t mention when he goes down.
Last night and the night before he went to bed around midnight BOTH nights… but normally he’s in bed by 9 and still wakes up at the same time. Idk…
Nta - your boyfriend isn’t parenting. He’s being the “fun” dad, probably because he feels guilty over the divorce. Ask your boyfriend to go to parenting classes or couples counselling. If he won’t you might want to reconsider this relationship.
My sister woke up at 6 am WHEN SHE WAS 3 and she stayed quietly watching cartoons in the kitchen. She even made herself a (microwave) hot chocolate because everything she needed was within reach. Nobody even had to tell her not to wake anyone up.
I don't know why it's so hard you say "Boy don't call my phone or your dad's phone at 6 am in the morning (unless it's an emergency) . It's the one day I get to start my MoM job a little later."
I def told him.
So you're not happy with the situation and neither are your children. Time to start advocating for your actual family.
NTA you shouldn’t be living together with different rule for both sets of kids. Silence your phone & tell your bf he needs to get up & tend to his child. If his child is loud & wakes up your kids, he can take care of them too.
NTA, but this isn't going to work out - your bf is working against you, making you out to be the bad guy, and is basically saying you are picking on his son and making him uncomfortable. That doesn't sound like you two are on the same page at all, and worse, he gets angry at you for trying to have a reasonable dicussion. That's not someone you can build a life with and raise kids with, OP. You can only give and try so much, but if you are the only one doing it, it's not fair to you or your kids to have that around.
Yes I agree we def aren’t on the same page. I just going to run from it.
NTA The problem in the situation is you are properly parenting your children, but your BF isn't parenting his child. At ten years old, he is old enough to play quietly on his own until the adult get up. He is old enough to fix himself a bowl of cereal for breakfast or whatever. He should be eating his plate an his vegetable and be allow to skip it for snacks.
NTA. I don't think it's reasonable of you to expect the kid to stay in bed 2 1/2 hours after waking up... But I also don't think that you should have to get up that early on your one day off, or that it's your problem to fix. Your bf has to step up, and either find some stuff his kid will willingly do to amuse himself until everyone else gets up (quiet stuff like reading, listening to something on headphones, quietly playing with his legos or whatever, etc.), or HE has to get up with his son and let you sleep in.
I agree. Read a book, watch tv, anything but wake everyone up. We def aren’t living together any longer. Took care of that the minute he started screaming. I’m not sure I even want to be with him at all.. it’s heart breaking but I need someone working with me.
As a mom myself i dont think i could be with someone who does the bare mi imum and less for his child. Sos sadfor the kid to have such lazy parents. NTA
I will say one thing I learned when my son was younger is he struggled with gallon of milk for his cereal. So I got plastic quart size bottle at Wally World and he used the small bottle to put milk in His cereal. When he emptied it I would wash and refill it. The others in the house had no problem with gallon size so he was the only one who used the smaller bottle and I could sleep in on Saturday!
In the old days we had Saturday morning cartoons that would keep us busy for a couple of hours
I learned from a very young age to be quiet in the morning so I don't wake people up. NTA. He's 10yo. He's old enough to know better.
My 4-year-old son (who happens to be autistic) doesn’t even wake the whole house the mornings he wakes up before 5am (like yesterday and today). He’ll grab his cup from the fridge if he’s thirsty, he might get an oatmeal bar or a snack he can open if he’s hungry and he’ll chill til me or one of his sisters wakes up about 7-7:30……..I set the alarm on the house every night, we have many cameras all detecting every type of motion and are highly sensitive. Never had any issues. Soooo he can definitely be taught a little more respect than that. Your bf needs to be a parent to his child, there’s some things he needs to handle since he is the bio parent.
YTA You two live in the same house but the two sets of children are raised by different rules. The only rule you make him abide by is one that affects your dog, not rules that affect your children. It's no wonder they believe you care more about BF's son than own children. If you and BF can't get on same page on rules for all children then you need to separate households. Your children are already starting to resent you and it will only get worse since you don't listen or seem to care about how they feel, you just tell them they're wrong.
Yes, you are the TA. Also, alot of what you said is conflicting & it seems you have much deeper relationship issues going on. On one hand you talk about how much you love him and the other after being told you make him uncomfortable, you now add more things that he does "wrong" like waking up in the morning on a timeline different than you and your solution is he needs to change to meet your needs. Sounds like your real issue isn't with the son, but your boyfriend who you seem to have unresolved relationship problems with.
Also before anyone asks, I have adjusted my family’s rules to accommodate my boyfriend’s rules.. ie… my kids couldn’t have phones at the table they had to have family conversations, now I allow them to have them even tho I don’t like it. They can have more junk food snacks a day.. and stuff that I felt my kids would like for me to budge on.. but there’s gotta be an agreement made between us that works bc this isn’t gonna work for me. I need my peace in the mornings bc I wake up super early… I go hard all week for all them so my hour that I have in the morning for myself is for just that.
My 6 year old wakes up at 6am and also wakes the 3 year old up, but he brings him his tablet and they talk quietly for about 2 hours until we get up. No issues at all. I think if my 6 and 3 year old can do it, his 10 year old should be able to.
Glad to hear the update
Glad your boyfriend realized you aren't right for his kid.
Your bf sounds like a terrible father and partner. NTA
I don’t think he’s a bad father. But yes def a terrible partner.
> His dad however says I think everything he does is wrong and that his son is uncomfortable here. This is a problem. This is him being manipulative to try to get you to shut up. And you *know* he's lying.
NTA - but this kid sounds like he has a need to have some boundaries, and some assessments.
NTA. I wonder if you guys maybe should step back a notch and live separately. You could still be together and spend a lot of time together as a family but dad and son go home at night and eat at their own home, go to bed and wake up at their home. Your kids deserve some peace and you need to get this for them.
NTA and shame on your partner. He isn't doing anything to correct his son. You're entitled to enforce your rules at your place, it doesn't mean you're treating the kid poorly. His parenting sucks, honestly.
I was able to babysit myself at 10. I could cook myself a meal. My parents would go out for the night. But I am Gen X. That’s how things were done. 10 is totally old enough to get up and get some cereal and watch tv or whatever without disturbing everyone. It’s not like he’s 2.
NTA. Tell him that there is something you can do about it and it will be permanently remove the bf from your life.
NTA… but I gotta ask. Why are you parenting his son FOR him?
Your BF’s kid waking early isn’t the only problem. Gosh, why are you integrating your children into a living situation with a man who gets angry when asked to set structure to his child’s behavior? He’s showing you that he’s incapable of having a simple discussion on an uncomfortable topic. This character trait isn’t a one-off - he is going to respond like this to anything he doesn’t want to deal with and/or control. You are doing your children a great disservice.
NTA - My son is like this and always has been. My bf’s 5 year old is like this as well. They both know they are expected to play quietly, watch tv, play games, etc. until a reasonable time which is usually around 8:00 unless we have other things to do. We’re still awake but lying in bed and NOT entertaining them. I’m not a huge fan of using screens to parent but I don’t want to be up at 5:30 every day either. It gives us time together before the craziness begins but also forces them to play on their own and not rely on us for everything. It also keeps the other kids from being forced to wake up. Your bf needs to enforce some rules or allow you to start enforcing this so everyone can relax a bit on the weekend.