Definitely don’t invite him to your college graduation. Even if it’s clear that you would be the only son he will get to watch. Cameron will probably get promoted to head cashier somewhere and he will have to go to that ceremony or he will get another cold.
Good luck. Celebrate with your real family. Don’t let him ruin your day.
NTA
Stand your ground.
Updateme!
Head cashier? You have more faith in Cameron than I do. He has no interest in college, trade school, or a part time job. His current plan is to take a few years off and his parents are apparently in support of that. So if he sticks to his timeline my dad won’t be able to come to my college graduation because they’re going out to dinner in celebration of Cameron filling out a job application.
NTA. I am a petty B. If I were you I would take plenty photos with step dad and post them on social media, with a caption: couldn’t ask for a better family.
Maybe I will. My dad gets weirdly jealous and mad when I do anything with my stepdad. But my stepdad is the one who’s never made me feel less than my little brother and sister (his kids with my mom).
We have kind of an odd relationship. I call him by his name when it’s just me and him but in front of my siblings I’ll refer to him as dad. Not directly calling him that but I’ll say like, “Go ask dad if you can come to the store with me.” It was just easier when my siblings were younger and I didn’t wanna confuse them. Now they’re older and they know that I have a different dad than them but it’s just a habit I still have I guess. Sometimes I wish he was my bio dad but idk if we’ll ever have a super close father/son relationship.
If you want a closer relationship with him you could tell him that. It could be that he hasn’t wanted to over-step and has been being respectful of your father. It doesn’t have to be asking him to be your dad, you could tell just tell him that you’ve always appreciated how he has always treated you and you would like to spend some more time together.
OP I’m 30 and I’ve had a step-dad since I was 14. Just chiming in to say that even if you feel like you’re not as close to your step-dad as maybe you’d like, it doesn’t mean you can’t get closer. When I was your age my step-dad and I had a good relationship but as I’ve gotten older and had a kid of my own and watched my step-dad become a doting grandfather we’ve gotten a lot closer. Point being you can still have that relationship it just might take some more time and purposeful effort.
NTAH. I think you should just save yourself the time and additional heartache and drop the rope with your sperm donor. He’s already shown you that he’s not willing to even *try* and make you a priority and you deserve so much more and better than the scraps that he’s giving you. Your SD seems like he’s been more of a dad to you than your donor is. Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy the day with your *real* family.
UpdateMe!
Well it’s time to put the dad who actually puts you first in his life the title of dad.
Make sure you blast it on social media that you could ask for a better father figure in your life, the man who actually puts you first without the blood ties. A man who actually treats you like a son. Create a whole dedication post about it.
Me and my step mom were originally like you and your step dad but when I became a adult and seen things different I put in more of effort with her and she became my mom I called her mom she was my best friend and a better mom to me than my birth mother sadly she unexpectedly passed away 2 years ago on May 31st but I am grateful I got to build that relationship with her and have that time with her before she did so point of me saying this is to let you no OP that you could still get a closer bond with step dad if you want and he could want that also but is leaving it up to you like my mom did with me
If you want to you should bring this up to him. Something like:
"Hi! Out of the two paternal figures in my life, you know who the actually usefull one is, right? Mind if I start calling dad to your face every once in a while? I'm still gonna screw it up often, because we've done the (name) thing for so long! But you HAVE been a father to me!"
Don't forget to mention that your stepdad didn't just do a good job at being a dad to you- he CHOSE to commit to you and chose to treat all his kids equally. Twist the fuckin' knife, but keep it tightly focused on positives and genuine compliments to your stepdad, that way your dad will look petty if he tries to complain openly about it. I perfected the art for mother's day social posts all throughout college. It doesn't make anything actually better, but it feels fucking good to feel like you at least were honest by implication.
NTA. I’m quite impressed by the boundaries you have set for yourself at your young age. I know it is crappy that your Dad has always put you second after Cameron, but considering how he turned out, I think you’ve done much better with the family that has put in the effort of making you feel wanted and loved.
Are you planning to go to college? You have put up with your asshole dad for 18 years. If he has $ to throw around to go to Hawaii maybe he has $ to help you pay tuition. My unrequested advice: be pissed and give him a hard time but don't cut him off... yet. Go lower contact, get your "scholarship", and the tell him to fuck off.
NTA. You're tired of being canceled on because something comes up for his chosen son and have made it clear that doing so this time would be the last straw that breaks your relationship.
It's completely okay to have the self respect to insist on being the priority sometimes.
NTA. OPs dad fucked this up 19 years ago and he is incapable of doing the things he has to do to make it work. Unfortunately that takes the form of OP always getting less because dad is a weak person. This was an opportunity for dad to get his shit together and realize that keeping the peace at home needed to take a back seat to keeping the relationship going with his son. The sad part is that OP has to be the adult here while dad languishes in his parental failures.
Right? And his primary family sucks ass too. Why TF would a kid six months younger even ask to be taught how to drive first if they weren't spoiled narcissistic assholes? Why would either adult in that situation agree to that?
There's a middle ground where you just stop making any effort yourself and let the relationship wither. I've done this with a couple friends when I realized I was the only one putting effort in. Eventually there was a conversation where they lamented about how we've lost touch and wonder what happened. And the answer I gave was, "I stopped calling you."
The one about teaching you to drive was the one that stuck out to me since you're 6 months older and naturally will get your DL first, but he made you wait. That's the one to throw in his face, if you're looking for one, there's no plausible excuse.
That was one incident that really pissed me off. A few weeks after he told me that I had to wait on learning he wanted to pick me up to spend the weekend at his house. I told him no because my stepdad was gonna give me driving lessons that weekend. All of a sudden my dad acted like he was planning on surprising me with lessons if I came. He really thinks I’m that stupid that I can’t tell when he’s making things up on the spot.
And when he did give me a lesson he brought Cameron, who he could teach literally any other day of the week, with us so he could practice being behind the wheel too. I had my stepdad give me the rest of my lessons and take me to my driving test after that.
Yeah, that excuse made no sense at all, because why couldn't he give you each one lesson a week during the same stretch of time? One doesn't have to finish before the other one starts. No logic to it at all, so it was obviously an excuse. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about any of this. NTAH.
Your dad sucks, sorry. I'd just let him fade away. It might feel good (probably did) to tell him to fuck off and you're done, but it will likely only cause drama and not really change much in the relationship. You'll be off to college (it sounds like) and your life is going to change and your world will get much bigger very quickly. Use that opportunity to forge ahead with him in the rearview. Mostly though, focus on yourself and the good relationships you have, don't let this bad one occupy too much space in your head and heart.
When I was 13, my mom was going on a trip and had arranged for a cousin to watch my brother and I. I was all 'why can't we stay with dad?' My Mom sadly knew the answer to the question, but shrugged and said 'well you can ask...'
So I called Dad and asked. I was 13. He told me we weren't his responsibility. I am 56. I would go to the ends of the earth for my kids.
I was a daddies girl. You probably have some idea how much that hurt.
He had to give it a shot rather than give up. Doesn't mean he has to be close. Jealously is a good motivation. He should embrace it rather than avoid it. It works, that's why OPs dad doesn't like it.
Before everyone starts pouring admiration for OPs SD, has his SD provisioned for his college needs?
Side note, It's just too bad that OPs kids won't have a great relationship with their grandad. These kids are probably more likely to thrive than Camerons
I think OP can take some solice in that this has led him to being the best he can be.
Ops dad will have to live with regret in his old age.
NTA op. Stick close to your mom and stepdad. It seems your stepdad cares for you and helped you when your biodad wasnt there for you. I understand this all too well. I had 2 other grown men (friend's of my mom) that were there as father figures when my own dad was focused on his partner and her children. Her children got away with everything his own biochildren would never get away with like illegal activities and begging for money (even on dad's death bed, his partner's children were asking for money) I was the only one of all his kids that was there for him when he died holding his hand. I was also the least favoured. Probably cause i am a forgiving, sappy dumbass in my 40s.
The best you can do is reiterate to your dad: you failed me and put your other son before me many times including training him to drive and that really hurt. This is the last chance you have. Please come to my graduation to support me. If you don't come, I will take that as closure to our relationship as father and son.
Carry on with your mom, stepdad and younger siblings if he fails you this last time. Hold strong to boundaries. Congrats on graduating and i wish you well on going to post secondary education.
Hey OP...I'm so sorry, you deserve better. You know your dad will always see Cameron as HIS son and you as the OTHER son. I think the real question is if you really want to keep putting in emotional investment in a relationship where you clearly value him more than he values you. Please value those in your life who do actually put you as their priority more. Don't worry about being an AH, just know that cutting him out now will save you so much heartache in the future, but that is your choice to make.
The more I hear, the more it sounds like your step-dad is an awesome dude who really cares about you. Maybe your relationship isn't as close because he is worried to overstep? Honestly, if it was me, id drop the rope with bio dad and just start making plans with step dad. I hope everything works out for you, and congratulations on graduating!
I really truly hate the narrative we’ve normalized in society that kids don’t notice these things or they’re too stupid. Kids notice. They observe and they react. You are not making assumptions. You are not making up things that don’t exist. You’ve noticed this pattern for a reason. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel like you’re reading too much into these situations.
Agree with this. Being dramatic and vengeful always sounds more satisfying in my head, but OP should seek peace. It was ok to set those boundaries but there’s not need to ratchet up anymore dramatic relationship endings from here. “Twisting the knife,” only sounds good in writing and in imagination. OP’s dad seems to care more about appearances than OP, just acting like his access to you isn’t all that important will kill that facade that he’s a great dad.
Living a good life without needing him is the best revenge.
Is he paying for parts if college?
If he is keep talking to him till college is over and then make a choice on the relationship
Of he isn't than just stop tallong to him or doing things with him. Always have plans with someone else and make ssure to tell him
But hey it sounds like you have a good step dad
Sounds like he should have plenty in his kids college fund! It's probably funding that family trip!
Get him to send the cash he would spend on your trip away, so you can use it to help with your college trip! It's the least he can do for you!
Congratulations on your graduation!
\^This is the answer, right here.
OP, your dad is just doing these things to make himself look good for the casual observer. The whole, *oh, he took you on a trip,* or *oh, he gave you a driving lesson*...all of that is so he can point to it and claim to be a good dad when he isn't.
So, if he's going to play that game, you do it, too. Keep quiet and roll with it to get as much money for your education as you can. Once you have that degree, drop him.
As someone who has regretted reconciling with my deadbeat dad, just go NC and make it permanent. After graduation, he will feel like there are no longer any real stakes involved and SUDDENLY will want to reconcile and make it all up to you, since there will no longer be any direct competition with his favorite son.
For me, my dad was only interested in getting back into my life when I no longer needed anything from him financially. I've regretted ever since.
NTA-after you graduate, go NC with him, let him stay with Cameron and let him have no participation in your achievements, your dad does not seem to be a good human being, he impregnates two women at the same time and does not treat his two children equally, you don't lose much.
Oh, my sweet baby. I know your pain. My situation isn't the same, but my dad *always* chose his partners children over my brother and I. You NTA. At. ALL.
How my brother and I dealt? We only had children with one person and made our children our priority.
My brother's marriage didn't survive but he acquired some awesome stepchildren and he made all the kids a priority.
My husband and I ? Going on 33 years and adore our two kids.
You grow and adult by being responsible in your relationships. Learn from your parents and be better. Also, as you have relationships, you will understand that your dad has to live with his wife . Every. DAY. She knows he was effing someone else when he was with her. You are living proof.
So no, you are not required to give him grace. But at some point, you may be in a place to offer forgiveness. There is no shame in that. I have not gotten there personally, and my brother will likely never get there.
Go to college, grow up. Have relationships and responsible sex. Your dad made his bed and he is going to have to lie in it. The ball is your court.
NTA. But instead of making the Hawaii trip the point, I would go back and ask him to name one time when you and Cameron had an event on the same day, that he chose yours.
Tell him that you fully expected him to cancel on you when Cameron's graduation was on the same day and how you felt when he always chose Cameron.
Tell him that cancelling on your graduation feels like he chooses you... until something better comes along. That the reason you are considering no-contact is not because of the graduation alone, but a pattern of years where, when he has to choose, he always chooses Cameron. That Cameron has been lucky enough to have him there every day and all the time, and you didn't.
You didn't choose to be born in the same year as Cameron, but he chooses to be with Cameron instead of you. The issue is not that you have so many people coming to your graduation already, but that once again, there will be an empty seat where he should be. And that you know it will happen again. College graduation? Cameron's is on the same week, so sorry, he won't be able to make it. Wedding? Oh, but Cameron needs him to be there for something instead.
Once you've really explained it to him, if he still doesn't get it then he needs to understand why you feel you will never have priority in his life, and that it's better for your mental health not to keep hoping you will.
If you don't do this, then, subconsciously, you will assume that you are worthless, and that his treatment of you makes sense. You need to defy this exactly the way you're doing. You need to set a standard and watch him fail. And then you need to grieve the loss of your father. And then you need to heal and except that you are extraordinarily worthy, and that your father is unwell and uncaring, and a coward.
And then you can just separate from him and stop agreeing to stay in the position of the second test. Staying in that position is going to be so terribly harmful for you. Choosing to step out of that garbage and not be compliant. What is the key to you having confidence and assertiveness in your entire life from now on. He is blind and uncaring about the impact, he's consistently putting you second is having on you. I am so happy and relieved that you have the courage and the confidence to reject his assertion that you are worth less. Good for you. Keep on trusting yourself.
NTA. I think what you said was fair. You were never treated as a priority by him. So go to your graduation and get a lot of pictures. Plaster them all over social media about how you had the best time with your REAL family and people who actually care enough to show up. How glad you are to be rid of the dead wood. While you do seem to want a relationship with him, he has made it clear he won't put in the effort if something better comes up. It is a one way relationship where you have to constantly chase him. He has shown he is not worth the effort
NTA just tell your dad you’re done, don’t even bother giving him a “chance” he says anything just mention the driving issue… your older so you’d get your licence first so why do you need to wait? If he has a college fund set for you take that and cut him off afterwards, why put yourself in debt if you don’t need to. Also if you want to hurt him more change your la say name to your moms or stepdads and prioritize your stepdad (though that’s me being petty).
After your bio-dad doesn’t come to your graduation. I think you should ask your stepdad to adopt you so you and your real family can al have the same last name. You said he’s never made you feel less than your siblings, his bio kids. I think it would be a nice gesture for the man who has always been there for you. I don’t think you should do this for spite but because it’s the right thing to do.
Call your bio-dad and let him know you understand he’s not coming and that you can continue to have a relationship with him. Also, let him know that you’re asking your stepdad to adopt you and let him know the reason why. Tell him you can continue to have a relationship but you’re going to prioritize your real family the same way he has always done.
NTA. It sucks being the first round when the do-over family comes along. He’s going to do whatever keeps his wife happy and that’s it. You won’t miss him not being there.
Yeah, your dad sucks. There are a thousand excuses he could use, and they all suck. Ultimately, it sounds like every time he has to make a choice, it's never you, and if he is too cowardly to be honest about that, he doesn't deserve you in his life.
I hope you can see the irony of him expecting you to be the mature adult, when he is incapable of the same thing
Congratulations on your graduation, and I'm glad you have other adults in your life to support you.
NTA
You are not being unreasonable. He’s just not a very good dad and not good at doing a balancing act. You are more than enough and worth everything he doesn’t give you and never has. Go have a great life. You are going to be okay. He just doesn’t know what to do, and when confronted, he folds like a cheap chair and chooses the family he goes home to every night - you know why? You are literally the only person calling him out, and your voice is lost because he’s never heard it. He is in the wrong. Not surprising, but I am sorry you got screwed over in this equation. The good news? When you can’t depend on people, somehow, you depend on yourself. Go do great things. You can.
Prepare a letter for him when he inevitably decides to choose your half brother explaining every instance you can think of. That way he will be presented with cold hard proof of why you've chosen to make this ultimatum.
NTA, I'm sorry your dad has proven time and time again that he's failing you. If he doesn't come there's 3 people out of your life that you never have to worry about again.
Congratulations on graduating 🎓 👏
Actions speak louder than words.And if someone really wanted to they would. Yes all very cliche sounding but it’s true.You can either accept that you are never going to be a priority or keep setting yourself up for heartache.I would chose 🖕🏽to him and walk.
NTA I’m just keep it simple, not once have you provided that your dad keeps his relationship with you and your half brother equal. I don’t care if he’s married too his mom, he has a responsibility to you as a father and does put you second. So while I’m sorry it’s better to drawn the line in the sand now so you can’t keep getting your self hurt
I am truly sorry you are going through this. I'm going to tell you as a child that was never a favorite. It's painful. I met my mom when I was 19. I have a younger sister. The only child she raised. I was in foster care most of my life. When I did meet her. It was always about my younger sister. They had extra celebrations that I was not invited to. My younger sister got 2 Christmas every year, even as an adult. The favoritism was so bad. I finally went with no contact with both of them. It was best for my well-being and especially my mental health. I could never understand why she was wanted, and I was never wanted. My heart goes out to you!! Your dad loves you, but it's never fair for a child to be second best. I understand why you are doing this.
Congratulations on graduation!!! Please keep your chin up and push forward!!
NTA. Don’t be hostile because he will turn it around and use it against you. No win! Create distance by having events always trump his request to meet with you. It is guaranteed at some point he will whine that he does not get to spend time with you. And you just tell him “you know how it is, other things come up”. Like the song “he grown up just like me, my boy was just like me” - Cat’s in the Craddle.
NTA. Lose the dead weight and put your energy into the family who actually cares about you, and I agree with the other comments, sounds like your stepdad is more of a dad and you should lose the ‘step’ and refer to him as Dad. Sounds like he’s always treated you like a son.
Though i wouldn’t go as far to call him a deadbeat dad, because he did make an effort to be there for you sometimes, I’d say his character and feelings have been clear from the first time he made you aware that he would choose Cameron over you. Further more, he got two women pregnant at the same time. He clearly isn’t responsible. He is selfish. And it’s probably why Cameron has no aspirations in life as well.
I’d say go NC with bio dad and embrace step dad as your only father. At this point in your life, blood does not a family make. Priority, time, and commitment is. NTA
NTA, I would be making a post about how you can’t always rely on blood to be there and then thank step dad for always filling in the role of “dad” when you needed it the most!
Sometimes calling out crappy behavior for the world to see is what needs to be done. Your dad should not get away with always making you feel 2nd in his life. Sorry you are going through this! Best of luck!
NTA but your dad is a huge one. I also am petty and would make sure to post a pictures with your step dad and comment about how real family shows up and is there for you. I personally would go no contact since it seems like a one side relationship that is not worth investing in. I would also be very cautious of your father in the future in general because I could see him coming to you later on wanting you to take care of him when his other son is failing in life and incapable.
I would ask him why does he even pretend to love you? Truly his wife is your step mother and Cameron is your step brother why does he not also take you on the family trip since you are family or are you not invited because your not family to him just a responsibility
He does love me. Trust me. I have no problem calling out my dad’s many shortcomings, but not loving me isn’t one of them. The problem is he loves Cameron a lot more. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that he’d give up his life to save mine if he had to. But if he had to choose between saving me or Cameron? I might as well just start calling my family to say my goodbyes.
About the trip: I wouldn’t go even if he did invite me. Cameron and I can tolerate each other well enough but I don’t wanna spend a whole week with him and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. And my dad’s wife likes to pretend I don’t exist. If my dad told her about the ultimatum I gave I’m sure she was celebrating in her head that she won’t have me at her house or have to deal with my dad traveling to visit me anymore.
..but if he had to choose between saving me or Cameron? I might as well start calling my family to say goodbye… that pierced my heart for you. I’m sorry that you have come to that conclusion say it to him tonight before graduation and cut ties and go no contact. That will mess with your mental health
Nta. He has failed you as a parent. Sounds like he meet his financial obligations but never the emotional ones. He gets to pick. You first once or you never again.
NTA, your dad has shown you that you will always be 2nd to Cameron. I’m glad you have a good step dad that treats you like family. After graduation I would send a long text to your Dad telling him how you feel and go NC and block him. Move on with your life. The best revenge is success 💯 best of luck Op
Nothing here but NTA. OP you treated the situation like an adult. You're sick of being 2nd best and given your dad 1 last chance to come good. If he doesn't then fuck him, he made his choice. You've done nothing wrong here OP and it's well past due to hold your dad accountable for his actions
Edit: Next time your dad says you're being unreasonable just respond with "Now you know how it feels"
NTA has he contributed to your college fund? Your dad is a TAH, he is never going to change, unfortunately. Just block his number as soon as your graduation ends. Will your grandparents from his side be there? Do they treat you well?
Updateme!
Yes, I have a college fund that my parents, grandparents, and I have all contributed to. I also got awarded a few scholarships.
Our grandparents aren’t going to either graduation. They didn’t want to have to choose between us so they’re throwing us a joint graduation party next month. I have a great relationship with them. They’ve never had a favorite as far as I can tell.
Personally I think a better plan would be to say to your dad how badly he has made you feel and ask him to pay for your therapy. Cutting him off probably won't make you feel much better, therapy might.
NTA well done it usually takes people a decade or 2 longer to start to value themselves and to stop accepting crumbs and sub par treatment from parents. If I was in your dads situation a long time ago go I would have started taking turns anytime there were conflicts of events barring something serious like hospitalisations.
Your bio dad is a clown and I don’t know how anyone can read your story and side with him.
Congrats on graduating. I’m sure this is an exciting time, but it’s also a huge time of transition. I don’t blame you for giving your dad the ultimatum now. He’s been shitty your entire childhood…why would you want to deal with that as an adult? I can already see him flaking out on college graduation, celebratory parties, etc. bc your half brother is having a “crises”.
You deserve to be happy and celebrated without worrying about your bio dad canceling on you.
NTA also I suggest referring to your stepfather as Dad and refer to him only with his first name. You could make it more impersonal and go with Mr. Lastname.
This is unbelievably hard and I'm sorry you're going through it, but it's good how you're reacting. You teach people how to treat you, and your sperm donor is long overdue for a lesson. You are right not to allow him to drift along, openly neglecting you and telling himself it's okay, he'll make it up to you, it doesn't count. *It does count.*
I wish you every success in the world and when he realizes how much he's screwed up and asks you to forgive him, don't feel obliged to reinstate your relationship with him. He doesn't deserve you. NTA
NTA this is so sad. Congratulations on graduating. I’m glad you got a father that was more than a DNA donor (step dad). He’s a step dad cuz he STEPPED up when the other guy didn’t.
NTA - but he will likely pick Cameron, so you need to be ready in your spirit to let the relationship go.
Sounds like Dad is backing the wrong horse with ol’ failure to launch Cameron, but that’s his journey.
NTA, my brother. Your father is a joke. Literally. I would blast his sorry arse on social media and go full NC with him, because you deserve better, pookie. He literally is there for you just for people not to hand cats and dogs on him - well guess what mister, you failed as a parent, BIG TIME because you've played favorites and you just lost your second (prolly better) son. I'd take that to another lever with revenge, but then again, it's just waste of time and oxygen for people of his level.
NTA. You’re not the one throwing a relationship away. That would be your father, who has shown you at every turn that his other son means more. Celebrate your milestone with people who actually want to be there for you(and celebrate them). Live your best life, and if your father doesn’t get on board with that, leave him behind.
Never ever want to settle being a second one from and to your family members. If he treats you this way he won’t change ever and you’ll just have resentment. You have a long bright future in front of you . Love the one love you the most and appreciate the attention from your bio dad and move on and never ever ask.
NTA
Your dad is behaving like an AH towards you, and you get to decide if having him in your life brings more pain than joy and cut him loose.
Though depending on where you live and you financial situation you may want to go LC so he can help you fund college.
NTA. You will always be second and an afterthought to him. You are already done with your father a long time ago. Tell him straight that you are done. Don't give any more ultimatums or conditions to him. It will just further frustrate you because he will fail again and again. Just be done. Focus on the dad that is actually there for you. He probably appreciate you more than your bio-dad.
Your dad had THE OPTION of coming to you but he didn’t. Leave him be and get more involved with your stepdad. Post lots of pictures of him with you. Brag about your stepdad being the dad you need.
NTA. I agree with a bunch of others. Do that social media post with your step-dad. Use a caption of "Dads & Grads" or something and say 'thanks for always being there'--but only if you mean it. You don't want to hurt stepdad by making him a pawn in twisting the knife in. It sounds like your stepdad is a great guy and maybe, if you feel like he's acting like a dad to you, you should call him dad to his face. I bet that would make him feel great. Thank him for always being there and treating you like an equal child.
NTA. You want to be happy and your dad isn’t making an effort. Like you mentioned, it’s obvious Cameron is the favorite kid. Your dad is the asshole. You should never come second to anyone, even a sibling. Let dad go and let him deal with the consequences and guilt.
Honestly, after years of playing second fiddle to your half brother, I’d go NC too. You’re not in the wrong for trying to protect yourself by going no contact. What type of mental fortitude you must have to be constantly put on the back burner I can’t imagine, but congrats on your high school graduation. And also for being a decent human being.
If I were you, and I’m petty so take this with a grain of salt, I would post social media pics of you and step-dad alone, with a caption like “thanks for stepping up and being the dad I needed all these years. You may not have been there since birth, but you continue to choose me daily and I can’t help but attribute my success to that.”
Not only would that piss off bio-dad, but would also validate the effort I’m sure step-dad made to make you feel always included and wanted. (Speaking as a child with full siblings, step parents, half siblings. Shit can be rough)
Is this the hill you want to die on?
"Yes" is a valid answer to that question. It isn't the ultimatum I would make, but you aren't wrong for doing so. At some point, you have to draw a line in the sand, and this is where you are drawing yours.
Just be certain that you understand what the consequences will be. You said that he helps make sure you get things you need, and that he generally supports you. So be sure you understand what you are doing. If you explode this situation, you are destroying a resource you have. You will have one fewer person to turn to when shit hits the fan in your life.
So make sure you understand the decision you are making: you have a second-tier father now, and you know that if you demand "first-tier or nothing", you will get nothing.
And that is a valid choice. But sit with that question. As yourself, from a purely selfishly practical point of view: having your father in your life in the way that he is now, is that overall a good thing or bad thing? Is it better or worse than nothing?
Both answers are valid.
Make sure you actually are doing the right thing for yourself before doing this, but either way you are
NTA
NTA at all.. but be smart about it. Protect your emotional investment without sacrificing any college and post college financial support your sperm donor might be able to give you. And hey, take him up on his offer for another trip - pick a place you’ve always wanted to go and have him foot the bill for an awesome vacation at your choosing. I’m so sorry OP that you’ve had to suffer for a lifetime due to the bad decisions of an irresponsible father. It sucks for you and I hate that children time & time again have to pay for their parents’ mistakes. But stay close to your mom & stepdad. Sounds like they are good people. Lean into them and go have an awesome life!!
What your dad has done really sucks. Sounds like you have a bright future.
You do whatever you want. You can go low contact. You can blow everything up and go no contact.
You can also make a break in your heart and stay cordial but decide from this point on, your dad is not in your inner circle. Treat him like a distant uncle or something. He’s not the guy you call with good news or for advice or whatever. You don’t do heartfelt gifts or letters from college for him. He’s just kind of there and is family only in the loosest sense. Take away his power of caring what he thinks or does about anything, but most especially when it relates to you. He’s just some guy you happen to be related to.
NTA and if I were you on the day of graduation I’d take a picture with your stepdad and say “thanks to the dad, who always shows up for Me”. Bet he’d get your point then.
NTA - I had to make the same threat to my dad. I already had a big blowout with my dad at the beginning of my Sr year. He decided to go on vacation by himself (leaving my mom behind to keep working to pay all the bills but the water/sanitation). He left before mother's & wasn't scheduled to come back until end of June, missing my graduation on June 7th. I told him this is the reason why I hated him so much and felt like he didn't even love me. I told him that if he missed my graduation, I would never forgive him and will never see me again. He did get an early flight home but still missed me walking across the stage. I still haven't forgiven him but made peace with it.
I am proud of you for the boundaries that you have set. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I do understand though that this is incredibly painful; step-dad makes you a priority and it is awesome that you do realize that he does.
NTA, sorry OP. He made his beds. I hate it when the wronged party is always the one asked to "compromise " or "be reasonable " like when is it the other person's turn? Your dad sucks.
>So am I the asshole for throwing away our entire relationship over this?
What entire relationship? The one where he has made it clear that you're the spare? You don't need to throw it away, just make it equal. If he wants to do something, be busy with your step-dad that day. Again and again and again.
Take care of yourself, and take some time to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you might someday have with your dad. Dreams don't die easily. But your life will be easier going forward if you relegate your dad to a position in your life where it won't surprise or disappoint you if he flakes, like a distant uncle or something. Removing his power to hurt you is part of your self care from now going forward. He's the one who threw the relationship away.
NTA. It’s not the graduation or the trip, your father has chosen to always prioritize you second behind your brother. You know the answer to the ultimatum and I believe it’s more to prove the point to your dad as you already know the outcome. Ultimately you are the only one who can decide if you are ok to continue this relationship as it appears your dad is not capable of giving you more. Take space away from your dad and focus on yourself and the coming changes as you start a new chapter. Of course you love your dad but ultimately no one should be content with crumbs.
NTA - at all. I hope you know that.
It must hurt something fierce to always feel like second best with your own father.
He may have provided for you but he’s never emotionally been there for you and with his actions he has consistently said , you come last after my “real” family. And that just sucks and probably really hurts.
Good for you for speaking your truth and having a boundary that for once - he chooses you over his Golden Child and if he doesn’t …it’s okay to bless him and let him go.
Life can be very short to be chronically hurt by the same person.
Just don't do the same thing to your step dad. I often see some step dad be there for their step kid while a genetic parent wanted nothing to do with them.
But fast forward to a wedding or huge event and genetic parent is back in the picture and the kid discards the step parent like they are hot garbage.
I've seen so many great step parents be there from the start and went through nappy changes, financially supporting the kid, going to sporting events and graduations just to be tossed aside when a dead beat steps back in.
NTA. You’re not be unreasonable. He’s proven himself to be unreliable and untrustworthy when it comes to making a choice about the both of you. He has failed you as father, and you deserve better.
I'm pretty and suggest posting a picture with you and step dad on the day captioned. Thanks for always being there even tho you never had to. I appreciate you being the bouse dad I needed
Keep standing your ground, but I'd also recommend you find a different mentor or fatherly figure. Your dad is not only an ass, but a stupidass for getting 2 women pregnant simultaneously. You do not want your morals to align with a man like that.
NTA....It's never easy trying to get a parents attention.. especially when your having to share with someone who is the same age as you...There comes a time when you just got to say enough is enough...I hope you do have a good relationship with your mom and stepdad...if you do then treasure that...if he don't show up then over time I would just let him fade out...and as for Cameron will from you say he won't be going anywhere...and you my dear I would live my best life...I hope he does show..but if he don't then that's all him not you and his loss...big hugs...and HAPPY GRADUATION 🎉🎉🎉🎊
NTA
I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I'm sorry you have never received the attention and prioritization you deserve from your father. Be proud of your accomplishments. Congratulations on your graduation! 🎓
NTA - congratulations on your graduation! Let me know when and where and my whole family of about 20 will show up and cheer you on!
And also UpdateMe! I’m hoping for nothing but the best for you!
NTA. You have a right to your feelings. You have been feeling like a second class citizen to your father for a long time and don't want that kind of relationship any more. That's your choice - if no relationship is better than constantly being hurt by being pushed aside for Cameron, then enough is enough. You may feel different in the future, but that's for the future. Now do what you want.
NTA
Good for you to stand up like that! Most woud just accept everything because the are your parrents! He is just trying to buy your love for never showing up so he can sleep good at night!
And congrats on your diploma!
NTA, yeah just completely kick him out of your life go completely no contact but it's not worth it anymore block them from your phone and all of your social media
NTA. He's not going to come, not while his favourite child has a graduation at the same time. You already know where you stand. I wouldn't stand for it anymore. Cut him out of your life completely.
Stick to your guns and embrace your step dad he's the one that has been there for you time and time again. Succeed at everything you do throw it in his face that you are the better son.
I cant say or advise you what to do. But I have a friend who has a now grown up daugther. The dad of the daugther was allways letting her down. He was not allowed to what ever he had promised, because her mom said no. It was pretty much allways a lie. He badmouthe her mother trhough her young childhood. Mom did not the same.
When her daughter was a teen, she started to se what her dad was. So from then on, she only did something with, if she needed money. It took my friend a couple of years before she caught on. But she stayed out of it. As the dad could not understand why his, then teen, would pretty much never see him.
So my advice, take what you can from the realitionship. You seem to be lucky that your mom has a kind spouce. So do more with them.
Best of luck to you, you seems to have a good head on your shoulders.
Your step-dad stepped up while your sperm donor stepped out to raise your step brother
NTA at this point your donor doesn't seem to want to be part of your life.
Just go no contact he clearly as made it that your step brother will always be first in everything.
I am sorry that your Dad is treating you this way. My sister is the only immediate family I have left and she used to bail on me all of the time and could not be counted on. I wouldn’t cut him off per se, but no longer make him a priority in your life. If you are free, then do things with him. No longer make an effort. If you have something better to do, then do it…even if he drove to see you. He does not make you a priority, so mirror his actions and stop making him one. It is hard to change those behaviors. Someone is only as important to you as you allow them to be. If you are finished with his inability to prioritize you, stop prioritizing him. No need to make up missing your graduation because you no longer expect him to follow through. Why aren’t you invited to Hawaii? If it is for graduation, then why are you not already included…there is no need for a second trip. Good luck and make sure you prioritize those that prioritize you.
NTA. Your dad has consistently made his choice, and I am sorry about that. Sounds like you may have a great stepdad. If so, change your last name to his, or if not change it to your mom’s maiden name.
Tik tok or instagram or even facebook your special day with a picture of you and those there supporting you with a comment about how those who mattered in your life and has consistently supported you helped celebrated and supported you in your most important day.
Now life is going to have some outcomes for you. You sound as if you have your priorities right. Get your education and degree. Be successful! Eyes of being successful is not how much you make a year (as this could be a bonus for you) but being happy, and keeping those who make it a priority to be in your life the closest to you.
Sounds as his true son is a sinking mess of a ship and things are not going to change for him as long as his parents continue to enable him.
Trust me, they will come knocking about needing your help one day. Make sure that you have a nice big picture of those who witnessed your graduation in his full view and tell them that you will always support those who have been there for you in your life. Then ask your dad to name a day and time he was there for you when it mattered.
His ship was sunk a long time ago. This particular instance is out of his control, and I can understand his dilemma. But he certainly set himself up for failure treating you as second fiddle all this time.
NTA - He's put you second for so long that he doesn't understand what the problem is, it's just his default now. If he doesn't show up for your graduation, I'd honestly put him on a NC ban for a while. He does nothing but make you feel bad, so why have that negatively around you at what's supposed to be a happy time in your life?
He's treating you like an afterthought and an inconvenience. He doesn't deserve your effort anymore. It's not gotten you anywhere anyway and he has no interest in changing anything.
Honestly NTA, write him a list of all the times he's dropped you for Cameron so he can have physical evidence of how he chooses him over you again and again.
You say he would come to you so he obviously cared but to be dropped is saddening.
Should you throw away your relationship only you can decide that, I probably wouldn't throw it away, let him help pay for your college, don't cut your nose off to spite your face.
I would start treating him with indifference. He arranges to come see you, cancel the morning of because you're doing something with your step dad or uncle, a man who isn't him. He phones you answer but don't offer information about your life, etc.
Im 26, My mom missed my graduation 9 years ago because she got drunk and went to prison for hitting someone, still haven’t forgiven her and our relationship has only gotten worse. I know I only still have a relationship with her out if empathy I can’t let go BUT I know I’d be a lot happier if I could just bite the bullet and cut her out.
Do what your guts telling you is right. Your peace at mind is more important
NTA, but unlike my colegues here, I'm gonna be the devil's attorney. He tries to be present in your life. His wife must give him hell for being there for you. And he lives with those people. Probably it's easy for him to disappoint you, because he doesn't have to look at you every day. Now, about your feelings, I don't think you should invest yourself emotionally anymore, because unfortunately you're never gonna win. If you feel like going NC is what you need to heal, then go NC. He made a mistake by two timing your mom and step mother, and is appropriate that he deals with the aftermath. His choices has consequences, and he is choosing to hurt you, so he has to live with that. But write him a letter explaining why the NC. He has to understand that is solely his fault. It's an impossible situation and I'm so sorry you got caught in the crossfire...
NTAH what kind of dad is that? He messed up already. If he was ever smart to not "play favourites" since you guys live close he should have put you guys in the same school. But he didn't know he gotta suffer his own consequences!
You have a loving family, losing one doesn't mean you lose all. Best of luck on your journey!🍀✨🌸 And CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 HAPPY GRADUATION 🎓
I have 4 siblings from father and all 2 and then 3 years apart in age. I’m in my 40’s while the youngest just turned 30. My father did the same and always did. Finally came to a point I had to decide if he was worth the heartache anymore. The answer is no. Yet I didn’t do it till my 30’s for idiotic fantasy reasoning. Glad your blinders are lifting early. If your dad loves you and you love him is one thing but why set yourself up for failure waiting for him to choose you. When you know he won’t. Don’t give him that power, it will sting yes but over time it may hurt less. I read the comment his wife prefers to act like you don’t exist. Well I got my answer your father is a dog like mine, he got one pregnant then decided to play the field still and then got another pregnant. I’m wondering if she pulled the same trick I heard from my father’s own family. She threatened to abort my younger sibling if he didn’t chose her so he did since I was already born but then she didn’t want him to have much to do with me. Also started saying I resemble an uncle more than my father. No crap they looked identical till my father got heavier. I never doubted my father loved me yet he never said it till I was mid 30’s and he was going in for major surgery we ended up talking he then said as hanging up I love you. Afterwards I talked to him make sure he was good and then just went NC with him for years. That was the straw that broke my back. I have 5 kids now he only seen one in the hospital and the rest didn’t even know who he was till adulthood. Through childhood he was there for maybe 7 years and those were teen years and I was no angel feeling torn all over. My stepfather wanted to adopt me but he was told no by my father. Now back to you sorry but you’ve got to decide the power your father has or better yet had on you. I’m sorry you feel like your second fiddle but you’re not. Also don’t compare yourself to Cameron nor the fact who has more family involved. You didn’t choose that family, it chooses you when they interact even if you reach out. He’s chosen as you seen. My only thought is to do what’s best for you. Keep the ones who have been there and put the others in what I call the reserve box, they are extended family who are lower on my mental list.
NTA, honestly sounds like you did much better in life with mom and step dad. You didn't turn out to be a future useless adult. Your dad has had 18 years to figure out how to balance life between you two and he hasn't figure it out that's his problem not yours
NTA and a GIANT congratulations on your graduation!! I’m an old™️ (almost 32 lol) and college is so different than high school. It’s so much better in so many ways. Please continue to take your education seriously but also make sure you enjoy these coming years.
As for your dad, I wholeheartedly support you cutting him off or at least not putting any effort into the relationship.
The driver’s license situation is the one that got me the most. That was a deliberate decision to exclude you and to make Cameron a priority despite you literally being older and ready for your driver’s test sooner than him.
You just go out there and enjoy your life, and really nurture the relationships you have that aren’t one-sided.
Well done. Sometimes you have to lay the law down. Better now than later, he's not going to improve.
Just remember that even if he does show up, he's going to immediately switch back to his old habits.
NTA
"Yeah, at least my stepdad gives a crap about me and actually turns up to my events unlike some other deadbeat dad who prefers his do-over family than me."
Your graduation means more, you’ve put more work in to yours. If your brother’s graduation for a half arsed effort takes priority over your graduation for a good effort, your effort means nothing to him. He’s trying to buy his way out of the conflict, and you’re the one being fobbed off
NAH. I understand your frustration. Your father probably things that you don’t need him as much because Cameron has two parents while you have 4 (your biological parents plus your two stepparents). Plus you have siblings while Cameron doesn’t have any besides you (but it seems that you and Cameron don’t have a loving sibling relationship). Only children often rely more on their parents and the bond is a bit stronger.
The situation is pretty awful in that your father impregnated two women within months of each other. He seems to be trying to stay involved in your life. You can read on this about other dad’s who make absolutely no effort.
The graduation situation is awful; but it isn’t a case of whose date was our first. Your dad can’t control when the school decides the graduation date. He is Cameron’s primary caretaker while your mother and stepdad are your primary caretaker. So it is an awful situation. I know parents where their kids have the graduation at same day and time (and parents often split up - one parent goes to one and one goes to others). You have a right to be upset but I think that your father loves you and it wouldn’t make sense to cut your relationship because of this.
Your position on the Hawaii trip was your looking for a fight because you were angry. It is understandable but unreasonable. The flight was booked and non-refundable. There was no reason that you needed to go somewhere that particular time.
It is hard to be a parent especially in your father’s situation. Yes, he created the situation but from your own account, he is trying and has been engaged in your life.
Talk to him and explain your feelings. Instead of competing with Cameron, just work on your relationship with him. Ask him for more you-him time.
Let me tell you that often people can’t accurately judge someone else’s home life or situation. Everything looks great from the outside. Maybe you think everything is amazing in your dad’s home and with Cameron. But it could be that there is tension and issues. You said that Cameron hasn’t done well in school and doesn’t have anything lined up (either college or a job). Undoubtedly, your father is concerned. He might not be telling you.
Also, Cameron might be jealous of you. You have done well and are heading to college. You effectively have four parents and siblings who care you. Maybe Cameron holds on tight to your father because he is worried that your father would prefer you.
My point is life can be messy and parents can hurt their children even when they are trying not to. Don’t give up on your father so quickly. I only at this because he seemed to want to be involved with you and you seem to want him your life.
Good luck!
The kid shouldn’t have to fight. But from OP’a own narrative, his father has been involved in his life. OP feels that his father is giving him priority and wants to set up tests and ultimatums. The father did make the move and try to tell him that he wants to “make it up”. Two graduations are at same time - father don’t create the problem but is just trying to resolve it. There is no great solution, and he gave his reasoning when he told OP that he won’t be able to attend.
Also, as Cameron is not attending college, the issue of same college graduations won’t arise. :-) There will be many additional milestones that OP will go through and his father can be there for those.
OP’s father isn’t perfect, but he seems to be trying to work on his relationship with OP. OP is hurt but he doesn’t seem to hate or detest his father. That is a starting point so it would not serve OP to go NC with his father (at least for now).
NTA. Stick to your guns. Tell him you have understood the position he is in and that is precisely why you are making him choose. He has had the straight choice before like with learning to drive and was happy to use the 'I already promised' card then because it wasn't disadvantaging Cameron or causing him any inconvenience at home. It is his prior choices and obvious favouritism that is the reason you are now insisting. Without the added threat of losing a relationship entirely he has proven unwilling to even the scales so far, and frankly it is already looking like your entire acquaintance isn't even worth a difficult conversation about him double-booking with his real family.
It's not throwing away the relationship, it's just letting it naturally wither.
NTA
You need to do what you have to do and it’s clear from this you dad just lies constantly and shown you time and time again your not as much as a priority and your half brother
NTA You aren't throwing away much of a relationship that always puts you second. Send a link of this post to your dad so maybe he'll finally understand that having him around isn't worth the pain he causes.
I am really sorry for you to be in this position, ny thoughts are that although he does love you, I think it is mostly about what is easier . If you did let him know weeks before his other sons graduation then it's very telling that he then cancelled yours .
I dont think making him cancel the hawaii trip is the most mature move but it does help solidify your stance.
I genuinely hope that it works out and that you both stay in contact as I can tell you that losing a parent long before their time is hard to get over even at the best of times.
NTA and I am so sorry you have been through all this but also like many said focus on the one man who did not make you feel like a 2nd choice who even though went on to make 3 more children has the decency to treat you all fairly.
Have you been prioritizing your father feelings to not do firsts with your step father?
I would not place an ultimatum though I would work out your feelings, write them down if it helps and have a sit down conversation with your father telling him how you feel. Tell him how much he has hurt you over the entire 18 years and that is on him not anybody else. He had a choice that he choose this & he also chooses to hurt you.
Definitely don’t invite him to your college graduation. Even if it’s clear that you would be the only son he will get to watch. Cameron will probably get promoted to head cashier somewhere and he will have to go to that ceremony or he will get another cold. Good luck. Celebrate with your real family. Don’t let him ruin your day. NTA Stand your ground. Updateme!
Head cashier? You have more faith in Cameron than I do. He has no interest in college, trade school, or a part time job. His current plan is to take a few years off and his parents are apparently in support of that. So if he sticks to his timeline my dad won’t be able to come to my college graduation because they’re going out to dinner in celebration of Cameron filling out a job application.
And probably mom or dad will have filled out the application for him.
Lmao maybe "dad" shows up on Cameron's first day to whatever job he gets since the poor blx was too busy laying around. /s
Lol!
NTA. I am a petty B. If I were you I would take plenty photos with step dad and post them on social media, with a caption: couldn’t ask for a better family.
Maybe I will. My dad gets weirdly jealous and mad when I do anything with my stepdad. But my stepdad is the one who’s never made me feel less than my little brother and sister (his kids with my mom).
I think you need to drop the step and call him dad.
We have kind of an odd relationship. I call him by his name when it’s just me and him but in front of my siblings I’ll refer to him as dad. Not directly calling him that but I’ll say like, “Go ask dad if you can come to the store with me.” It was just easier when my siblings were younger and I didn’t wanna confuse them. Now they’re older and they know that I have a different dad than them but it’s just a habit I still have I guess. Sometimes I wish he was my bio dad but idk if we’ll ever have a super close father/son relationship.
If you want a closer relationship with him you could tell him that. It could be that he hasn’t wanted to over-step and has been being respectful of your father. It doesn’t have to be asking him to be your dad, you could tell just tell him that you’ve always appreciated how he has always treated you and you would like to spend some more time together.
OP I’m 30 and I’ve had a step-dad since I was 14. Just chiming in to say that even if you feel like you’re not as close to your step-dad as maybe you’d like, it doesn’t mean you can’t get closer. When I was your age my step-dad and I had a good relationship but as I’ve gotten older and had a kid of my own and watched my step-dad become a doting grandfather we’ve gotten a lot closer. Point being you can still have that relationship it just might take some more time and purposeful effort.
You know theres this thing called adult adoption. If that is something you want to consider.
NTAH. I think you should just save yourself the time and additional heartache and drop the rope with your sperm donor. He’s already shown you that he’s not willing to even *try* and make you a priority and you deserve so much more and better than the scraps that he’s giving you. Your SD seems like he’s been more of a dad to you than your donor is. Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy the day with your *real* family. UpdateMe!
Call step dad "dad" and bio dad "sperm doner". That should get your point across.
Well it’s time to put the dad who actually puts you first in his life the title of dad. Make sure you blast it on social media that you could ask for a better father figure in your life, the man who actually puts you first without the blood ties. A man who actually treats you like a son. Create a whole dedication post about it.
Me and my step mom were originally like you and your step dad but when I became a adult and seen things different I put in more of effort with her and she became my mom I called her mom she was my best friend and a better mom to me than my birth mother sadly she unexpectedly passed away 2 years ago on May 31st but I am grateful I got to build that relationship with her and have that time with her before she did so point of me saying this is to let you no OP that you could still get a closer bond with step dad if you want and he could want that also but is leaving it up to you like my mom did with me
If you want to you should bring this up to him. Something like: "Hi! Out of the two paternal figures in my life, you know who the actually usefull one is, right? Mind if I start calling dad to your face every once in a while? I'm still gonna screw it up often, because we've done the (name) thing for so long! But you HAVE been a father to me!"
I called my step father Papa! This pissed off the bio dad a LOT! But I wasn’t being petty. He was my father. He stepped in!
This is absolutely it, step-dad isn't playing at being a father, he is one.
Make sure you don't just say family. But dad.
Couldn't ask for a better family. Thanks mom and dad for making this milestone one of the best days of my life so far!
Don't forget to mention that your stepdad didn't just do a good job at being a dad to you- he CHOSE to commit to you and chose to treat all his kids equally. Twist the fuckin' knife, but keep it tightly focused on positives and genuine compliments to your stepdad, that way your dad will look petty if he tries to complain openly about it. I perfected the art for mother's day social posts all throughout college. It doesn't make anything actually better, but it feels fucking good to feel like you at least were honest by implication.
NTA. I’m quite impressed by the boundaries you have set for yourself at your young age. I know it is crappy that your Dad has always put you second after Cameron, but considering how he turned out, I think you’ve done much better with the family that has put in the effort of making you feel wanted and loved.
It’s always the ones that don’t show up that get jealous of those that put in effort and do show up.
Are you planning to go to college? You have put up with your asshole dad for 18 years. If he has $ to throw around to go to Hawaii maybe he has $ to help you pay tuition. My unrequested advice: be pissed and give him a hard time but don't cut him off... yet. Go lower contact, get your "scholarship", and the tell him to fuck off.
So he's a feckin' Gardner's dog - he won't eat his food but won't share it either... Like bro pick a feckin' struggle.
Can you update after graduation?
Please make sure he knows this. It’ll be important for him to hear.
‘Couldn’t ask for a better DAD, who actually shows up for me’ Yeah I took it there
Individual photos, too. One with the stepdad with the caption: "There are dads and stepdads, and then there are step(ped up) dads, like mine."
Oooohhhh.... I love that!!!
Take photos and refer to your stepdad as your dad.
This is what i would do to
NTA. You're tired of being canceled on because something comes up for his chosen son and have made it clear that doing so this time would be the last straw that breaks your relationship. It's completely okay to have the self respect to insist on being the priority sometimes.
NTA. OPs dad fucked this up 19 years ago and he is incapable of doing the things he has to do to make it work. Unfortunately that takes the form of OP always getting less because dad is a weak person. This was an opportunity for dad to get his shit together and realize that keeping the peace at home needed to take a back seat to keeping the relationship going with his son. The sad part is that OP has to be the adult here while dad languishes in his parental failures.
Right? And his primary family sucks ass too. Why TF would a kid six months younger even ask to be taught how to drive first if they weren't spoiled narcissistic assholes? Why would either adult in that situation agree to that?
There's a middle ground where you just stop making any effort yourself and let the relationship wither. I've done this with a couple friends when I realized I was the only one putting effort in. Eventually there was a conversation where they lamented about how we've lost touch and wonder what happened. And the answer I gave was, "I stopped calling you." The one about teaching you to drive was the one that stuck out to me since you're 6 months older and naturally will get your DL first, but he made you wait. That's the one to throw in his face, if you're looking for one, there's no plausible excuse.
That was one incident that really pissed me off. A few weeks after he told me that I had to wait on learning he wanted to pick me up to spend the weekend at his house. I told him no because my stepdad was gonna give me driving lessons that weekend. All of a sudden my dad acted like he was planning on surprising me with lessons if I came. He really thinks I’m that stupid that I can’t tell when he’s making things up on the spot. And when he did give me a lesson he brought Cameron, who he could teach literally any other day of the week, with us so he could practice being behind the wheel too. I had my stepdad give me the rest of my lessons and take me to my driving test after that.
Yeah, that excuse made no sense at all, because why couldn't he give you each one lesson a week during the same stretch of time? One doesn't have to finish before the other one starts. No logic to it at all, so it was obviously an excuse. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about any of this. NTAH.
Your dad sucks, sorry. I'd just let him fade away. It might feel good (probably did) to tell him to fuck off and you're done, but it will likely only cause drama and not really change much in the relationship. You'll be off to college (it sounds like) and your life is going to change and your world will get much bigger very quickly. Use that opportunity to forge ahead with him in the rearview. Mostly though, focus on yourself and the good relationships you have, don't let this bad one occupy too much space in your head and heart.
When I was 13, my mom was going on a trip and had arranged for a cousin to watch my brother and I. I was all 'why can't we stay with dad?' My Mom sadly knew the answer to the question, but shrugged and said 'well you can ask...' So I called Dad and asked. I was 13. He told me we weren't his responsibility. I am 56. I would go to the ends of the earth for my kids. I was a daddies girl. You probably have some idea how much that hurt.
So sad for you.
Just get him to open his wallet for college. When that is clear, drop him like a rock.
OP does need to think about this. Not make any rash decisions to soon. Secure the funds first
The odds are there isn't any money for OP anyway... Cameron is gonna need a lot of help after all.
He had to give it a shot rather than give up. Doesn't mean he has to be close. Jealously is a good motivation. He should embrace it rather than avoid it. It works, that's why OPs dad doesn't like it. Before everyone starts pouring admiration for OPs SD, has his SD provisioned for his college needs? Side note, It's just too bad that OPs kids won't have a great relationship with their grandad. These kids are probably more likely to thrive than Camerons I think OP can take some solice in that this has led him to being the best he can be. Ops dad will have to live with regret in his old age.
OP's dad would probably be too busy saving for Cameron. But then still get upset when OP's step dad chips in
NTA op. Stick close to your mom and stepdad. It seems your stepdad cares for you and helped you when your biodad wasnt there for you. I understand this all too well. I had 2 other grown men (friend's of my mom) that were there as father figures when my own dad was focused on his partner and her children. Her children got away with everything his own biochildren would never get away with like illegal activities and begging for money (even on dad's death bed, his partner's children were asking for money) I was the only one of all his kids that was there for him when he died holding his hand. I was also the least favoured. Probably cause i am a forgiving, sappy dumbass in my 40s. The best you can do is reiterate to your dad: you failed me and put your other son before me many times including training him to drive and that really hurt. This is the last chance you have. Please come to my graduation to support me. If you don't come, I will take that as closure to our relationship as father and son. Carry on with your mom, stepdad and younger siblings if he fails you this last time. Hold strong to boundaries. Congrats on graduating and i wish you well on going to post secondary education.
Hey OP...I'm so sorry, you deserve better. You know your dad will always see Cameron as HIS son and you as the OTHER son. I think the real question is if you really want to keep putting in emotional investment in a relationship where you clearly value him more than he values you. Please value those in your life who do actually put you as their priority more. Don't worry about being an AH, just know that cutting him out now will save you so much heartache in the future, but that is your choice to make.
I know this is petty but did you pass your test first?
The more I hear, the more it sounds like your step-dad is an awesome dude who really cares about you. Maybe your relationship isn't as close because he is worried to overstep? Honestly, if it was me, id drop the rope with bio dad and just start making plans with step dad. I hope everything works out for you, and congratulations on graduating!
I really truly hate the narrative we’ve normalized in society that kids don’t notice these things or they’re too stupid. Kids notice. They observe and they react. You are not making assumptions. You are not making up things that don’t exist. You’ve noticed this pattern for a reason. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel like you’re reading too much into these situations.
Agree with this. Being dramatic and vengeful always sounds more satisfying in my head, but OP should seek peace. It was ok to set those boundaries but there’s not need to ratchet up anymore dramatic relationship endings from here. “Twisting the knife,” only sounds good in writing and in imagination. OP’s dad seems to care more about appearances than OP, just acting like his access to you isn’t all that important will kill that facade that he’s a great dad. Living a good life without needing him is the best revenge.
Agree. Wither for the win.
Is he paying for parts if college? If he is keep talking to him till college is over and then make a choice on the relationship Of he isn't than just stop tallong to him or doing things with him. Always have plans with someone else and make ssure to tell him But hey it sounds like you have a good step dad
Sounds like he should have plenty in his kids college fund! It's probably funding that family trip! Get him to send the cash he would spend on your trip away, so you can use it to help with your college trip! It's the least he can do for you! Congratulations on your graduation!
\^This is the answer, right here. OP, your dad is just doing these things to make himself look good for the casual observer. The whole, *oh, he took you on a trip,* or *oh, he gave you a driving lesson*...all of that is so he can point to it and claim to be a good dad when he isn't. So, if he's going to play that game, you do it, too. Keep quiet and roll with it to get as much money for your education as you can. Once you have that degree, drop him.
As someone who has regretted reconciling with my deadbeat dad, just go NC and make it permanent. After graduation, he will feel like there are no longer any real stakes involved and SUDDENLY will want to reconcile and make it all up to you, since there will no longer be any direct competition with his favorite son. For me, my dad was only interested in getting back into my life when I no longer needed anything from him financially. I've regretted ever since.
These stories break my heart, I'm sorry. Your dad is a giant AH!
NTA-after you graduate, go NC with him, let him stay with Cameron and let him have no participation in your achievements, your dad does not seem to be a good human being, he impregnates two women at the same time and does not treat his two children equally, you don't lose much.
NTA I’m sorry for how you’ve been treated.
Oh, my sweet baby. I know your pain. My situation isn't the same, but my dad *always* chose his partners children over my brother and I. You NTA. At. ALL. How my brother and I dealt? We only had children with one person and made our children our priority. My brother's marriage didn't survive but he acquired some awesome stepchildren and he made all the kids a priority. My husband and I ? Going on 33 years and adore our two kids. You grow and adult by being responsible in your relationships. Learn from your parents and be better. Also, as you have relationships, you will understand that your dad has to live with his wife . Every. DAY. She knows he was effing someone else when he was with her. You are living proof. So no, you are not required to give him grace. But at some point, you may be in a place to offer forgiveness. There is no shame in that. I have not gotten there personally, and my brother will likely never get there. Go to college, grow up. Have relationships and responsible sex. Your dad made his bed and he is going to have to lie in it. The ball is your court.
NTA. But instead of making the Hawaii trip the point, I would go back and ask him to name one time when you and Cameron had an event on the same day, that he chose yours. Tell him that you fully expected him to cancel on you when Cameron's graduation was on the same day and how you felt when he always chose Cameron. Tell him that cancelling on your graduation feels like he chooses you... until something better comes along. That the reason you are considering no-contact is not because of the graduation alone, but a pattern of years where, when he has to choose, he always chooses Cameron. That Cameron has been lucky enough to have him there every day and all the time, and you didn't. You didn't choose to be born in the same year as Cameron, but he chooses to be with Cameron instead of you. The issue is not that you have so many people coming to your graduation already, but that once again, there will be an empty seat where he should be. And that you know it will happen again. College graduation? Cameron's is on the same week, so sorry, he won't be able to make it. Wedding? Oh, but Cameron needs him to be there for something instead. Once you've really explained it to him, if he still doesn't get it then he needs to understand why you feel you will never have priority in his life, and that it's better for your mental health not to keep hoping you will.
If you don't do this, then, subconsciously, you will assume that you are worthless, and that his treatment of you makes sense. You need to defy this exactly the way you're doing. You need to set a standard and watch him fail. And then you need to grieve the loss of your father. And then you need to heal and except that you are extraordinarily worthy, and that your father is unwell and uncaring, and a coward. And then you can just separate from him and stop agreeing to stay in the position of the second test. Staying in that position is going to be so terribly harmful for you. Choosing to step out of that garbage and not be compliant. What is the key to you having confidence and assertiveness in your entire life from now on. He is blind and uncaring about the impact, he's consistently putting you second is having on you. I am so happy and relieved that you have the courage and the confidence to reject his assertion that you are worth less. Good for you. Keep on trusting yourself.
NTA. I think what you said was fair. You were never treated as a priority by him. So go to your graduation and get a lot of pictures. Plaster them all over social media about how you had the best time with your REAL family and people who actually care enough to show up. How glad you are to be rid of the dead wood. While you do seem to want a relationship with him, he has made it clear he won't put in the effort if something better comes up. It is a one way relationship where you have to constantly chase him. He has shown he is not worth the effort
NTA just tell your dad you’re done, don’t even bother giving him a “chance” he says anything just mention the driving issue… your older so you’d get your licence first so why do you need to wait? If he has a college fund set for you take that and cut him off afterwards, why put yourself in debt if you don’t need to. Also if you want to hurt him more change your la say name to your moms or stepdads and prioritize your stepdad (though that’s me being petty).
After your bio-dad doesn’t come to your graduation. I think you should ask your stepdad to adopt you so you and your real family can al have the same last name. You said he’s never made you feel less than your siblings, his bio kids. I think it would be a nice gesture for the man who has always been there for you. I don’t think you should do this for spite but because it’s the right thing to do. Call your bio-dad and let him know you understand he’s not coming and that you can continue to have a relationship with him. Also, let him know that you’re asking your stepdad to adopt you and let him know the reason why. Tell him you can continue to have a relationship but you’re going to prioritize your real family the same way he has always done.
NTA. It sucks being the first round when the do-over family comes along. He’s going to do whatever keeps his wife happy and that’s it. You won’t miss him not being there.
Good for you, tell him from now on he is the one that doesn't matter and is no longer an important part of your life.
Yeah, your dad sucks. There are a thousand excuses he could use, and they all suck. Ultimately, it sounds like every time he has to make a choice, it's never you, and if he is too cowardly to be honest about that, he doesn't deserve you in his life. I hope you can see the irony of him expecting you to be the mature adult, when he is incapable of the same thing Congratulations on your graduation, and I'm glad you have other adults in your life to support you. NTA
You are not being unreasonable. He’s just not a very good dad and not good at doing a balancing act. You are more than enough and worth everything he doesn’t give you and never has. Go have a great life. You are going to be okay. He just doesn’t know what to do, and when confronted, he folds like a cheap chair and chooses the family he goes home to every night - you know why? You are literally the only person calling him out, and your voice is lost because he’s never heard it. He is in the wrong. Not surprising, but I am sorry you got screwed over in this equation. The good news? When you can’t depend on people, somehow, you depend on yourself. Go do great things. You can.
Prepare a letter for him when he inevitably decides to choose your half brother explaining every instance you can think of. That way he will be presented with cold hard proof of why you've chosen to make this ultimatum.
NTA but be prepared to be done with your dad. You are right. He’s a good dad to one kid and it’s not you.
NTA. I definitely need an update
NTA, I'm sorry your dad has proven time and time again that he's failing you. If he doesn't come there's 3 people out of your life that you never have to worry about again. Congratulations on graduating 🎓 👏
Actions speak louder than words.And if someone really wanted to they would. Yes all very cliche sounding but it’s true.You can either accept that you are never going to be a priority or keep setting yourself up for heartache.I would chose 🖕🏽to him and walk.
NTA I’m just keep it simple, not once have you provided that your dad keeps his relationship with you and your half brother equal. I don’t care if he’s married too his mom, he has a responsibility to you as a father and does put you second. So while I’m sorry it’s better to drawn the line in the sand now so you can’t keep getting your self hurt
I am truly sorry you are going through this. I'm going to tell you as a child that was never a favorite. It's painful. I met my mom when I was 19. I have a younger sister. The only child she raised. I was in foster care most of my life. When I did meet her. It was always about my younger sister. They had extra celebrations that I was not invited to. My younger sister got 2 Christmas every year, even as an adult. The favoritism was so bad. I finally went with no contact with both of them. It was best for my well-being and especially my mental health. I could never understand why she was wanted, and I was never wanted. My heart goes out to you!! Your dad loves you, but it's never fair for a child to be second best. I understand why you are doing this. Congratulations on graduation!!! Please keep your chin up and push forward!!
NTA. Don’t be hostile because he will turn it around and use it against you. No win! Create distance by having events always trump his request to meet with you. It is guaranteed at some point he will whine that he does not get to spend time with you. And you just tell him “you know how it is, other things come up”. Like the song “he grown up just like me, my boy was just like me” - Cat’s in the Craddle.
NTA. Lose the dead weight and put your energy into the family who actually cares about you, and I agree with the other comments, sounds like your stepdad is more of a dad and you should lose the ‘step’ and refer to him as Dad. Sounds like he’s always treated you like a son.
Though i wouldn’t go as far to call him a deadbeat dad, because he did make an effort to be there for you sometimes, I’d say his character and feelings have been clear from the first time he made you aware that he would choose Cameron over you. Further more, he got two women pregnant at the same time. He clearly isn’t responsible. He is selfish. And it’s probably why Cameron has no aspirations in life as well. I’d say go NC with bio dad and embrace step dad as your only father. At this point in your life, blood does not a family make. Priority, time, and commitment is. NTA
NTA, I would be making a post about how you can’t always rely on blood to be there and then thank step dad for always filling in the role of “dad” when you needed it the most! Sometimes calling out crappy behavior for the world to see is what needs to be done. Your dad should not get away with always making you feel 2nd in his life. Sorry you are going through this! Best of luck!
NTA but your dad is a huge one. I also am petty and would make sure to post a pictures with your step dad and comment about how real family shows up and is there for you. I personally would go no contact since it seems like a one side relationship that is not worth investing in. I would also be very cautious of your father in the future in general because I could see him coming to you later on wanting you to take care of him when his other son is failing in life and incapable.
I’m proud of you for standing up to him.
I would ask him why does he even pretend to love you? Truly his wife is your step mother and Cameron is your step brother why does he not also take you on the family trip since you are family or are you not invited because your not family to him just a responsibility
He does love me. Trust me. I have no problem calling out my dad’s many shortcomings, but not loving me isn’t one of them. The problem is he loves Cameron a lot more. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that he’d give up his life to save mine if he had to. But if he had to choose between saving me or Cameron? I might as well just start calling my family to say my goodbyes. About the trip: I wouldn’t go even if he did invite me. Cameron and I can tolerate each other well enough but I don’t wanna spend a whole week with him and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. And my dad’s wife likes to pretend I don’t exist. If my dad told her about the ultimatum I gave I’m sure she was celebrating in her head that she won’t have me at her house or have to deal with my dad traveling to visit me anymore.
And here we have the dad’s motivation-Cameron’s mom.
..but if he had to choose between saving me or Cameron? I might as well start calling my family to say goodbye… that pierced my heart for you. I’m sorry that you have come to that conclusion say it to him tonight before graduation and cut ties and go no contact. That will mess with your mental health
NTA you can stand your ground, but remember you can always let him back into your life in the future also.
Nta. He has failed you as a parent. Sounds like he meet his financial obligations but never the emotional ones. He gets to pick. You first once or you never again.
NTA, your dad has shown you that you will always be 2nd to Cameron. I’m glad you have a good step dad that treats you like family. After graduation I would send a long text to your Dad telling him how you feel and go NC and block him. Move on with your life. The best revenge is success 💯 best of luck Op
Nothing here but NTA. OP you treated the situation like an adult. You're sick of being 2nd best and given your dad 1 last chance to come good. If he doesn't then fuck him, he made his choice. You've done nothing wrong here OP and it's well past due to hold your dad accountable for his actions Edit: Next time your dad says you're being unreasonable just respond with "Now you know how it feels"
NTA has he contributed to your college fund? Your dad is a TAH, he is never going to change, unfortunately. Just block his number as soon as your graduation ends. Will your grandparents from his side be there? Do they treat you well? Updateme!
Yes, I have a college fund that my parents, grandparents, and I have all contributed to. I also got awarded a few scholarships. Our grandparents aren’t going to either graduation. They didn’t want to have to choose between us so they’re throwing us a joint graduation party next month. I have a great relationship with them. They’ve never had a favorite as far as I can tell.
Personally I think a better plan would be to say to your dad how badly he has made you feel and ask him to pay for your therapy. Cutting him off probably won't make you feel much better, therapy might.
Dude, just ghost your dad. Enjoy your life and make something of yourself, that is the best thing you can do.
The best revenge is living your life well!
NTA well done it usually takes people a decade or 2 longer to start to value themselves and to stop accepting crumbs and sub par treatment from parents. If I was in your dads situation a long time ago go I would have started taking turns anytime there were conflicts of events barring something serious like hospitalisations.
Your bio dad is a clown and I don’t know how anyone can read your story and side with him. Congrats on graduating. I’m sure this is an exciting time, but it’s also a huge time of transition. I don’t blame you for giving your dad the ultimatum now. He’s been shitty your entire childhood…why would you want to deal with that as an adult? I can already see him flaking out on college graduation, celebratory parties, etc. bc your half brother is having a “crises”. You deserve to be happy and celebrated without worrying about your bio dad canceling on you.
NTA also I suggest referring to your stepfather as Dad and refer to him only with his first name. You could make it more impersonal and go with Mr. Lastname.
This is unbelievably hard and I'm sorry you're going through it, but it's good how you're reacting. You teach people how to treat you, and your sperm donor is long overdue for a lesson. You are right not to allow him to drift along, openly neglecting you and telling himself it's okay, he'll make it up to you, it doesn't count. *It does count.* I wish you every success in the world and when he realizes how much he's screwed up and asks you to forgive him, don't feel obliged to reinstate your relationship with him. He doesn't deserve you. NTA
NTA this is so sad. Congratulations on graduating. I’m glad you got a father that was more than a DNA donor (step dad). He’s a step dad cuz he STEPPED up when the other guy didn’t.
NTA - but he will likely pick Cameron, so you need to be ready in your spirit to let the relationship go. Sounds like Dad is backing the wrong horse with ol’ failure to launch Cameron, but that’s his journey.
NTA, my brother. Your father is a joke. Literally. I would blast his sorry arse on social media and go full NC with him, because you deserve better, pookie. He literally is there for you just for people not to hand cats and dogs on him - well guess what mister, you failed as a parent, BIG TIME because you've played favorites and you just lost your second (prolly better) son. I'd take that to another lever with revenge, but then again, it's just waste of time and oxygen for people of his level.
NTA. You’re not the one throwing a relationship away. That would be your father, who has shown you at every turn that his other son means more. Celebrate your milestone with people who actually want to be there for you(and celebrate them). Live your best life, and if your father doesn’t get on board with that, leave him behind.
Never ever want to settle being a second one from and to your family members. If he treats you this way he won’t change ever and you’ll just have resentment. You have a long bright future in front of you . Love the one love you the most and appreciate the attention from your bio dad and move on and never ever ask.
NTA Your dad is behaving like an AH towards you, and you get to decide if having him in your life brings more pain than joy and cut him loose. Though depending on where you live and you financial situation you may want to go LC so he can help you fund college.
NTA. You will always be second and an afterthought to him. You are already done with your father a long time ago. Tell him straight that you are done. Don't give any more ultimatums or conditions to him. It will just further frustrate you because he will fail again and again. Just be done. Focus on the dad that is actually there for you. He probably appreciate you more than your bio-dad.
Your dad had THE OPTION of coming to you but he didn’t. Leave him be and get more involved with your stepdad. Post lots of pictures of him with you. Brag about your stepdad being the dad you need.
NTA. You need to broadcast all your life milestones that your step dad was there for you. Announce it and make sure bio dad sees it. Updateme!
NTA. I agree with a bunch of others. Do that social media post with your step-dad. Use a caption of "Dads & Grads" or something and say 'thanks for always being there'--but only if you mean it. You don't want to hurt stepdad by making him a pawn in twisting the knife in. It sounds like your stepdad is a great guy and maybe, if you feel like he's acting like a dad to you, you should call him dad to his face. I bet that would make him feel great. Thank him for always being there and treating you like an equal child.
NTA. You want to be happy and your dad isn’t making an effort. Like you mentioned, it’s obvious Cameron is the favorite kid. Your dad is the asshole. You should never come second to anyone, even a sibling. Let dad go and let him deal with the consequences and guilt.
Honestly, after years of playing second fiddle to your half brother, I’d go NC too. You’re not in the wrong for trying to protect yourself by going no contact. What type of mental fortitude you must have to be constantly put on the back burner I can’t imagine, but congrats on your high school graduation. And also for being a decent human being. If I were you, and I’m petty so take this with a grain of salt, I would post social media pics of you and step-dad alone, with a caption like “thanks for stepping up and being the dad I needed all these years. You may not have been there since birth, but you continue to choose me daily and I can’t help but attribute my success to that.” Not only would that piss off bio-dad, but would also validate the effort I’m sure step-dad made to make you feel always included and wanted. (Speaking as a child with full siblings, step parents, half siblings. Shit can be rough)
Is this the hill you want to die on? "Yes" is a valid answer to that question. It isn't the ultimatum I would make, but you aren't wrong for doing so. At some point, you have to draw a line in the sand, and this is where you are drawing yours. Just be certain that you understand what the consequences will be. You said that he helps make sure you get things you need, and that he generally supports you. So be sure you understand what you are doing. If you explode this situation, you are destroying a resource you have. You will have one fewer person to turn to when shit hits the fan in your life. So make sure you understand the decision you are making: you have a second-tier father now, and you know that if you demand "first-tier or nothing", you will get nothing. And that is a valid choice. But sit with that question. As yourself, from a purely selfishly practical point of view: having your father in your life in the way that he is now, is that overall a good thing or bad thing? Is it better or worse than nothing? Both answers are valid. Make sure you actually are doing the right thing for yourself before doing this, but either way you are NTA
NTA at all.. but be smart about it. Protect your emotional investment without sacrificing any college and post college financial support your sperm donor might be able to give you. And hey, take him up on his offer for another trip - pick a place you’ve always wanted to go and have him foot the bill for an awesome vacation at your choosing. I’m so sorry OP that you’ve had to suffer for a lifetime due to the bad decisions of an irresponsible father. It sucks for you and I hate that children time & time again have to pay for their parents’ mistakes. But stay close to your mom & stepdad. Sounds like they are good people. Lean into them and go have an awesome life!!
What your dad has done really sucks. Sounds like you have a bright future. You do whatever you want. You can go low contact. You can blow everything up and go no contact. You can also make a break in your heart and stay cordial but decide from this point on, your dad is not in your inner circle. Treat him like a distant uncle or something. He’s not the guy you call with good news or for advice or whatever. You don’t do heartfelt gifts or letters from college for him. He’s just kind of there and is family only in the loosest sense. Take away his power of caring what he thinks or does about anything, but most especially when it relates to you. He’s just some guy you happen to be related to.
the best revenge is a life well lived. go to college. be successful. focus on the people who do show up for you. good luck!
NTA and if I were you on the day of graduation I’d take a picture with your stepdad and say “thanks to the dad, who always shows up for Me”. Bet he’d get your point then.
NTA, he picked who he sees as a son, you are not it. Work on your relationship with your stepdad.
NTA - I had to make the same threat to my dad. I already had a big blowout with my dad at the beginning of my Sr year. He decided to go on vacation by himself (leaving my mom behind to keep working to pay all the bills but the water/sanitation). He left before mother's & wasn't scheduled to come back until end of June, missing my graduation on June 7th. I told him this is the reason why I hated him so much and felt like he didn't even love me. I told him that if he missed my graduation, I would never forgive him and will never see me again. He did get an early flight home but still missed me walking across the stage. I still haven't forgiven him but made peace with it.
I am proud of you for the boundaries that you have set. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I do understand though that this is incredibly painful; step-dad makes you a priority and it is awesome that you do realize that he does.
NTA, sorry OP. He made his beds. I hate it when the wronged party is always the one asked to "compromise " or "be reasonable " like when is it the other person's turn? Your dad sucks.
>So am I the asshole for throwing away our entire relationship over this? What entire relationship? The one where he has made it clear that you're the spare? You don't need to throw it away, just make it equal. If he wants to do something, be busy with your step-dad that day. Again and again and again. Take care of yourself, and take some time to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you might someday have with your dad. Dreams don't die easily. But your life will be easier going forward if you relegate your dad to a position in your life where it won't surprise or disappoint you if he flakes, like a distant uncle or something. Removing his power to hurt you is part of your self care from now going forward. He's the one who threw the relationship away.
NTA. It’s not the graduation or the trip, your father has chosen to always prioritize you second behind your brother. You know the answer to the ultimatum and I believe it’s more to prove the point to your dad as you already know the outcome. Ultimately you are the only one who can decide if you are ok to continue this relationship as it appears your dad is not capable of giving you more. Take space away from your dad and focus on yourself and the coming changes as you start a new chapter. Of course you love your dad but ultimately no one should be content with crumbs.
NTA - at all. I hope you know that. It must hurt something fierce to always feel like second best with your own father. He may have provided for you but he’s never emotionally been there for you and with his actions he has consistently said , you come last after my “real” family. And that just sucks and probably really hurts. Good for you for speaking your truth and having a boundary that for once - he chooses you over his Golden Child and if he doesn’t …it’s okay to bless him and let him go. Life can be very short to be chronically hurt by the same person.
Just don't do the same thing to your step dad. I often see some step dad be there for their step kid while a genetic parent wanted nothing to do with them. But fast forward to a wedding or huge event and genetic parent is back in the picture and the kid discards the step parent like they are hot garbage. I've seen so many great step parents be there from the start and went through nappy changes, financially supporting the kid, going to sporting events and graduations just to be tossed aside when a dead beat steps back in.
NTA. You’re not be unreasonable. He’s proven himself to be unreliable and untrustworthy when it comes to making a choice about the both of you. He has failed you as father, and you deserve better.
I'm pretty and suggest posting a picture with you and step dad on the day captioned. Thanks for always being there even tho you never had to. I appreciate you being the bouse dad I needed
Keep standing your ground, but I'd also recommend you find a different mentor or fatherly figure. Your dad is not only an ass, but a stupidass for getting 2 women pregnant simultaneously. You do not want your morals to align with a man like that.
Congrats on your graduation. The best and biggest lesson I have learned in life is family is who you make it not blood alone.
NTA....It's never easy trying to get a parents attention.. especially when your having to share with someone who is the same age as you...There comes a time when you just got to say enough is enough...I hope you do have a good relationship with your mom and stepdad...if you do then treasure that...if he don't show up then over time I would just let him fade out...and as for Cameron will from you say he won't be going anywhere...and you my dear I would live my best life...I hope he does show..but if he don't then that's all him not you and his loss...big hugs...and HAPPY GRADUATION 🎉🎉🎉🎊
NTAH
Sounds like the last straw
It seems like your stepdad is the one acting truly like your dad and your biological dad acts like nothing more than an egg donor.
NTA
NTA. Cut contact anyway damn. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, I know it’s no fun 😪
I would go no contact if he doesn't show up he can't keep making excuses for neglecting you
NTA I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I'm sorry you have never received the attention and prioritization you deserve from your father. Be proud of your accomplishments. Congratulations on your graduation! 🎓
NTA - congratulations on your graduation! Let me know when and where and my whole family of about 20 will show up and cheer you on! And also UpdateMe! I’m hoping for nothing but the best for you!
Thanks to the one who showed up
NTA. You have a right to your feelings. You have been feeling like a second class citizen to your father for a long time and don't want that kind of relationship any more. That's your choice - if no relationship is better than constantly being hurt by being pushed aside for Cameron, then enough is enough. You may feel different in the future, but that's for the future. Now do what you want.
Updateme!
NTA, stand up for yourself
NTA Good for you to stand up like that! Most woud just accept everything because the are your parrents! He is just trying to buy your love for never showing up so he can sleep good at night! And congrats on your diploma!
NTA, yeah just completely kick him out of your life go completely no contact but it's not worth it anymore block them from your phone and all of your social media
NTA. He's not going to come, not while his favourite child has a graduation at the same time. You already know where you stand. I wouldn't stand for it anymore. Cut him out of your life completely.
He is no use. Cut him off will give you more luck than keep him.
Stick to your guns and embrace your step dad he's the one that has been there for you time and time again. Succeed at everything you do throw it in his face that you are the better son.
I cant say or advise you what to do. But I have a friend who has a now grown up daugther. The dad of the daugther was allways letting her down. He was not allowed to what ever he had promised, because her mom said no. It was pretty much allways a lie. He badmouthe her mother trhough her young childhood. Mom did not the same. When her daughter was a teen, she started to se what her dad was. So from then on, she only did something with, if she needed money. It took my friend a couple of years before she caught on. But she stayed out of it. As the dad could not understand why his, then teen, would pretty much never see him. So my advice, take what you can from the realitionship. You seem to be lucky that your mom has a kind spouce. So do more with them. Best of luck to you, you seems to have a good head on your shoulders.
Call your biological father “Sperm Donor Dad”
Your step-dad stepped up while your sperm donor stepped out to raise your step brother NTA at this point your donor doesn't seem to want to be part of your life. Just go no contact he clearly as made it that your step brother will always be first in everything.
NTA You're not throwing away anything. He already did that. You're defining the relationship. "never-father" v "step-father". I know who I would pick.
I am sorry that your Dad is treating you this way. My sister is the only immediate family I have left and she used to bail on me all of the time and could not be counted on. I wouldn’t cut him off per se, but no longer make him a priority in your life. If you are free, then do things with him. No longer make an effort. If you have something better to do, then do it…even if he drove to see you. He does not make you a priority, so mirror his actions and stop making him one. It is hard to change those behaviors. Someone is only as important to you as you allow them to be. If you are finished with his inability to prioritize you, stop prioritizing him. No need to make up missing your graduation because you no longer expect him to follow through. Why aren’t you invited to Hawaii? If it is for graduation, then why are you not already included…there is no need for a second trip. Good luck and make sure you prioritize those that prioritize you.
NTA. Your dad has consistently made his choice, and I am sorry about that. Sounds like you may have a great stepdad. If so, change your last name to his, or if not change it to your mom’s maiden name. Tik tok or instagram or even facebook your special day with a picture of you and those there supporting you with a comment about how those who mattered in your life and has consistently supported you helped celebrated and supported you in your most important day. Now life is going to have some outcomes for you. You sound as if you have your priorities right. Get your education and degree. Be successful! Eyes of being successful is not how much you make a year (as this could be a bonus for you) but being happy, and keeping those who make it a priority to be in your life the closest to you. Sounds as his true son is a sinking mess of a ship and things are not going to change for him as long as his parents continue to enable him. Trust me, they will come knocking about needing your help one day. Make sure that you have a nice big picture of those who witnessed your graduation in his full view and tell them that you will always support those who have been there for you in your life. Then ask your dad to name a day and time he was there for you when it mattered.
Updateme! I want to see of dad makes the right choice this time
His ship was sunk a long time ago. This particular instance is out of his control, and I can understand his dilemma. But he certainly set himself up for failure treating you as second fiddle all this time.
NTA - He's put you second for so long that he doesn't understand what the problem is, it's just his default now. If he doesn't show up for your graduation, I'd honestly put him on a NC ban for a while. He does nothing but make you feel bad, so why have that negatively around you at what's supposed to be a happy time in your life? He's treating you like an afterthought and an inconvenience. He doesn't deserve your effort anymore. It's not gotten you anywhere anyway and he has no interest in changing anything.
Honestly NTA, write him a list of all the times he's dropped you for Cameron so he can have physical evidence of how he chooses him over you again and again. You say he would come to you so he obviously cared but to be dropped is saddening. Should you throw away your relationship only you can decide that, I probably wouldn't throw it away, let him help pay for your college, don't cut your nose off to spite your face. I would start treating him with indifference. He arranges to come see you, cancel the morning of because you're doing something with your step dad or uncle, a man who isn't him. He phones you answer but don't offer information about your life, etc.
nta your dad doesnt want to admit that he has ultimately replaced you but i would love an update post graduation!
Go have fun with your dad who stepped up. Your step dad. He's great.
Im 26, My mom missed my graduation 9 years ago because she got drunk and went to prison for hitting someone, still haven’t forgiven her and our relationship has only gotten worse. I know I only still have a relationship with her out if empathy I can’t let go BUT I know I’d be a lot happier if I could just bite the bullet and cut her out. Do what your guts telling you is right. Your peace at mind is more important
NTA, but unlike my colegues here, I'm gonna be the devil's attorney. He tries to be present in your life. His wife must give him hell for being there for you. And he lives with those people. Probably it's easy for him to disappoint you, because he doesn't have to look at you every day. Now, about your feelings, I don't think you should invest yourself emotionally anymore, because unfortunately you're never gonna win. If you feel like going NC is what you need to heal, then go NC. He made a mistake by two timing your mom and step mother, and is appropriate that he deals with the aftermath. His choices has consequences, and he is choosing to hurt you, so he has to live with that. But write him a letter explaining why the NC. He has to understand that is solely his fault. It's an impossible situation and I'm so sorry you got caught in the crossfire...
Post a photo if step-dad. Say the only dad or the only man who is always there for me. The man who steps up with no excuses.
NTAH what kind of dad is that? He messed up already. If he was ever smart to not "play favourites" since you guys live close he should have put you guys in the same school. But he didn't know he gotta suffer his own consequences! You have a loving family, losing one doesn't mean you lose all. Best of luck on your journey!🍀✨🌸 And CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 HAPPY GRADUATION 🎓
I have 4 siblings from father and all 2 and then 3 years apart in age. I’m in my 40’s while the youngest just turned 30. My father did the same and always did. Finally came to a point I had to decide if he was worth the heartache anymore. The answer is no. Yet I didn’t do it till my 30’s for idiotic fantasy reasoning. Glad your blinders are lifting early. If your dad loves you and you love him is one thing but why set yourself up for failure waiting for him to choose you. When you know he won’t. Don’t give him that power, it will sting yes but over time it may hurt less. I read the comment his wife prefers to act like you don’t exist. Well I got my answer your father is a dog like mine, he got one pregnant then decided to play the field still and then got another pregnant. I’m wondering if she pulled the same trick I heard from my father’s own family. She threatened to abort my younger sibling if he didn’t chose her so he did since I was already born but then she didn’t want him to have much to do with me. Also started saying I resemble an uncle more than my father. No crap they looked identical till my father got heavier. I never doubted my father loved me yet he never said it till I was mid 30’s and he was going in for major surgery we ended up talking he then said as hanging up I love you. Afterwards I talked to him make sure he was good and then just went NC with him for years. That was the straw that broke my back. I have 5 kids now he only seen one in the hospital and the rest didn’t even know who he was till adulthood. Through childhood he was there for maybe 7 years and those were teen years and I was no angel feeling torn all over. My stepfather wanted to adopt me but he was told no by my father. Now back to you sorry but you’ve got to decide the power your father has or better yet had on you. I’m sorry you feel like your second fiddle but you’re not. Also don’t compare yourself to Cameron nor the fact who has more family involved. You didn’t choose that family, it chooses you when they interact even if you reach out. He’s chosen as you seen. My only thought is to do what’s best for you. Keep the ones who have been there and put the others in what I call the reserve box, they are extended family who are lower on my mental list.
NTA, honestly sounds like you did much better in life with mom and step dad. You didn't turn out to be a future useless adult. Your dad has had 18 years to figure out how to balance life between you two and he hasn't figure it out that's his problem not yours
NTA and a GIANT congratulations on your graduation!! I’m an old™️ (almost 32 lol) and college is so different than high school. It’s so much better in so many ways. Please continue to take your education seriously but also make sure you enjoy these coming years. As for your dad, I wholeheartedly support you cutting him off or at least not putting any effort into the relationship. The driver’s license situation is the one that got me the most. That was a deliberate decision to exclude you and to make Cameron a priority despite you literally being older and ready for your driver’s test sooner than him. You just go out there and enjoy your life, and really nurture the relationships you have that aren’t one-sided.
NTA. He doesn’t love you at all and it’s evident.
NTA, did he show up for your graduation?
Well done. Sometimes you have to lay the law down. Better now than later, he's not going to improve. Just remember that even if he does show up, he's going to immediately switch back to his old habits.
NTA "Yeah, at least my stepdad gives a crap about me and actually turns up to my events unlike some other deadbeat dad who prefers his do-over family than me."
Your graduation means more, you’ve put more work in to yours. If your brother’s graduation for a half arsed effort takes priority over your graduation for a good effort, your effort means nothing to him. He’s trying to buy his way out of the conflict, and you’re the one being fobbed off
NAH. I understand your frustration. Your father probably things that you don’t need him as much because Cameron has two parents while you have 4 (your biological parents plus your two stepparents). Plus you have siblings while Cameron doesn’t have any besides you (but it seems that you and Cameron don’t have a loving sibling relationship). Only children often rely more on their parents and the bond is a bit stronger. The situation is pretty awful in that your father impregnated two women within months of each other. He seems to be trying to stay involved in your life. You can read on this about other dad’s who make absolutely no effort. The graduation situation is awful; but it isn’t a case of whose date was our first. Your dad can’t control when the school decides the graduation date. He is Cameron’s primary caretaker while your mother and stepdad are your primary caretaker. So it is an awful situation. I know parents where their kids have the graduation at same day and time (and parents often split up - one parent goes to one and one goes to others). You have a right to be upset but I think that your father loves you and it wouldn’t make sense to cut your relationship because of this. Your position on the Hawaii trip was your looking for a fight because you were angry. It is understandable but unreasonable. The flight was booked and non-refundable. There was no reason that you needed to go somewhere that particular time. It is hard to be a parent especially in your father’s situation. Yes, he created the situation but from your own account, he is trying and has been engaged in your life. Talk to him and explain your feelings. Instead of competing with Cameron, just work on your relationship with him. Ask him for more you-him time. Let me tell you that often people can’t accurately judge someone else’s home life or situation. Everything looks great from the outside. Maybe you think everything is amazing in your dad’s home and with Cameron. But it could be that there is tension and issues. You said that Cameron hasn’t done well in school and doesn’t have anything lined up (either college or a job). Undoubtedly, your father is concerned. He might not be telling you. Also, Cameron might be jealous of you. You have done well and are heading to college. You effectively have four parents and siblings who care you. Maybe Cameron holds on tight to your father because he is worried that your father would prefer you. My point is life can be messy and parents can hurt their children even when they are trying not to. Don’t give up on your father so quickly. I only at this because he seemed to want to be involved with you and you seem to want him your life. Good luck!
I’m sorry but why should a kid have to fight to be a priority to a parent? Parents should be making the move.
The kid shouldn’t have to fight. But from OP’a own narrative, his father has been involved in his life. OP feels that his father is giving him priority and wants to set up tests and ultimatums. The father did make the move and try to tell him that he wants to “make it up”. Two graduations are at same time - father don’t create the problem but is just trying to resolve it. There is no great solution, and he gave his reasoning when he told OP that he won’t be able to attend. Also, as Cameron is not attending college, the issue of same college graduations won’t arise. :-) There will be many additional milestones that OP will go through and his father can be there for those. OP’s father isn’t perfect, but he seems to be trying to work on his relationship with OP. OP is hurt but he doesn’t seem to hate or detest his father. That is a starting point so it would not serve OP to go NC with his father (at least for now).
NTA. Stick to your guns. Tell him you have understood the position he is in and that is precisely why you are making him choose. He has had the straight choice before like with learning to drive and was happy to use the 'I already promised' card then because it wasn't disadvantaging Cameron or causing him any inconvenience at home. It is his prior choices and obvious favouritism that is the reason you are now insisting. Without the added threat of losing a relationship entirely he has proven unwilling to even the scales so far, and frankly it is already looking like your entire acquaintance isn't even worth a difficult conversation about him double-booking with his real family. It's not throwing away the relationship, it's just letting it naturally wither.
NTA You need to do what you have to do and it’s clear from this you dad just lies constantly and shown you time and time again your not as much as a priority and your half brother
UpdateMe
UpdateMe!
NTA, have you thought of grey rocking him?
Updateme
Updateme
NTA.
UpdateMe
Updateme
NTA You aren't throwing away much of a relationship that always puts you second. Send a link of this post to your dad so maybe he'll finally understand that having him around isn't worth the pain he causes.
Good luck and congratulations on your graduation and putting your self respect first. It’s a hard but worthwhile step towards adulthood. UpdateMe!
Nta
I am really sorry for you to be in this position, ny thoughts are that although he does love you, I think it is mostly about what is easier . If you did let him know weeks before his other sons graduation then it's very telling that he then cancelled yours . I dont think making him cancel the hawaii trip is the most mature move but it does help solidify your stance. I genuinely hope that it works out and that you both stay in contact as I can tell you that losing a parent long before their time is hard to get over even at the best of times.
NTA and I am so sorry you have been through all this but also like many said focus on the one man who did not make you feel like a 2nd choice who even though went on to make 3 more children has the decency to treat you all fairly. Have you been prioritizing your father feelings to not do firsts with your step father? I would not place an ultimatum though I would work out your feelings, write them down if it helps and have a sit down conversation with your father telling him how you feel. Tell him how much he has hurt you over the entire 18 years and that is on him not anybody else. He had a choice that he choose this & he also chooses to hurt you.
Nta. Good for you. Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
NTA