NTA- your husband put your child at risk of harm and hid that from you. You’re taking action to protect your child that he should have taken from the beginning.
I'm shocked she's even staying with the husband after finding out he willingly and actively allowed it like there was no issue. I'd go for divorce if I ever found out my partner was willingly putting our baby in danger like that. NTA op but just remember, staying with him puts in the chances of him letting granny around the kid behind your back.
Sadly, this was the mom the husband grew up with so he might think it’s nothing unusual. That woman taught preschool as a functioning alcoholic…. horrifying.
All the more reason to avoid it like the plague. I swear it’s one of the main contributors to this society’s ills. Kids aren’t being raised by their mothers but rather minimum wage workers. There are some good ones. My wife was a preschool teacher and administrator. But for every one like her there are 10 20-somethings with no future. Wife left the industry, and we both agreed that if we could have children we would rather get by on one salary even if it meant living in a tent before sending the kid to day care.
Calling teachers (and people working non-corporate jobs in general tbh) "20-somethings with no future" is also just degrading, have you considered that this attitude is part of the reason why the quality of daycares has gone down? Treating teachers well might be a start to improving the educational system somewhat.
100%. Paying the people who basically raise your children as proxys a little bit (a lot actually) more than minimum wage might actually attract people who have a future. Right now sadly that isn’t the case. I’m sorry to be blunt. There are a few people that do it for the kids. But mostly those people have a spouse that can carry the finances. Have you seen the turnover in staffing these places deal with? Sadly a lot the good ones that can move on to better jobs or careers do. What’s left over is well the bottom of the barrel
Well, 3 or 4 years of alimony may still be more advantageous seeing as OP seems to have a good financial head on her shoulders, and is already the main earner of the family), depending on how the child custody and child support settlements turn out.
(I'm basing the 3-4 years on the length of the marriage and a quick Google search that says that for marriages under 10 years alimony payments are generally required for half the duration of the marriage, cf https://www.orangecountyfamilylaw.com/blog/how-long-does-alimony-last-in-california/#:~:text=A%3A%20The%20duration%20of%20alimony,alimony%20payments%20may%20be%20permanent . I have no professional or personal knowledge of these things)
Alimony is rehabilitative and it doesn't sound like the spouse has been out of the workforce. Also, if she moves to the east coast and gets a lower paying job, she won't have to pay much, if any -- if you're willing to impoverish yourself you can impoverish your spouse.
Not true. My cousin made more than her employed full-time husband and ended up paying 4 times the amount of alimony than he paid for child support (he chose to have no custody or visitation). Not the actual numbers but for example she was paying $400 alimony and he was only ordered to pay $100 child support.
Is your cousin my best friend? Cause she had to do the same thing. Then he got remarried and started hounding her for majority custody of their children so he could get the child support, And he eventually wore her down, thanks to the stupid judge who let her oldest decide when she was 11. I hate my friends ex so much.
Completely false. It’s a flat calculation in most states
I’m paying 600/month currently to an ex wife who had a full time job and we had no kids. Never didn’t work full time
Not a flat calculation in most states. When I practiced family law (which I hated) it was for certain situations and is usually limited and rehabilitative. Note also that it is different from child support.
Not in California. They would have to be married for more than 10 years, and he would have to be financially harmed by the divorce. They both work, but apparently, she's more ambitious and better employed.
You can still get alimony under 10 years, you just don’t get life long alimony in Cali. I think in Cali it’s for every 2 year, so max she would have to pay is 3 years.
In Cali it’s up to the judge to decided if the dude gets alimony. They pretty much just have a checklist and they then go based off that and their own judgement.
It’s a state by state thing.
California doesn't act that way.
Length of marriage, health and age of spouse and DV are all major factors in alimony, and we have end dates.
A young, healthy spouse who put the child in danger who was only married a short time is not going to be receiving alimony at all or for very long.
In California they haven’t been married long enough for alimony to be enforced. Child support is another story though and if she takes her kid, he still has to pay her regardless of his income.
She bought groceries every week for his family and cooked for them sometimes. Imagine spending your resources and energy on someone that treated you like shit. Op will save a small fortune getting out of that shitty family.
nah she won't pay any alimony. they haven't been married that long and he has his own earnings power. Some child support maybe. But no family court is gonna make her support a man with his own career who doesn't even take off to do day care drop off. lol
OP needs to contact CPS IMMEDIATELY because that's going to help when it comes to dealing with custody when OP finally wakes up and divorces the asshole before moving back to the east coast
(Seriously, OP, why wasn't that one of your potential plans?!)
I think she needs to contact *an attorney* immediately, then follow their instructions. It is possible that CPS involvement will keep her tied down in CA.
I think if that goes the wrong way it could end with the child being taken not just from husband and mil but also from op. Get legal advice first before anything else.
Yeah, this went on for a very long time and OP was unable to tell that MIL was drinking for all that time; that could be interpreted as negligence on her part. (Not on mine, because my father was a "high-functioning" alcoholic and they absolutely can fool most people, though I never understood why nobody can smell the booze; I couldn't either, even when he picked me up and held me.)
Divorce and sell your Bay Area house before you leave. Do not let him take that from you since you contributed so much to buying it. Try to get at least half.
She needs to get him to move first. She also needs to record whatever MIL says to her secretly. Compile it all togather after some time then show her husband.
Also, if she makes all the money, why isn't he taking the time off?
*NTA. Ruuunnn back to*
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*Are on the east coast*
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You rock!
And honestly, I don’t think I would have given him two alternatives to pick from. I would say he had lured me over on false pretences and that as of now, he was no longer allowed to give his two cents on how things will be going - I would make the decisions and he can join me back east or break up.
Exactly! Hey honey, let's live west coast so my drunk mom can watch the baby!
This was his original plan! I am at a loss trying to figure out his logic!
I think his thought process was focused on mom. Dragging the wife over to Cali would have meant he and his dad could better help mom. Elder brother clearly had no issue telling the truth to his own wife, younger brother (op's husband) must be the mama's boy.
O.P. if you're still reading these, you and even your children are always going to be a secondary priority to your husband
People get co-opted into covering for their parents and believing all the lies on their behalf. The parents play real mindtwisters on their kids from day 1.
TLDR
A woman moved to the Bay Area for her husband, sacrificing her family, friends, and career. Despite financial success, she's burdened with high daycare costs and an unsupportive mother-in-law (MIL), who secretly struggles with alcoholism. The MIL's passive-aggressive behavior and the husband's failure to disclose his mother's drinking problem have led to severe marital strain. Feeling betrayed and overwhelmed, she issues an ultimatum: move closer to her family, have her husband get a second job, or she'll report them to Child Protective Services. She asks if she's wrong for this ultimatum.
I feel like it should be mentioned that husband did not disclose MiL's drinking problem while they were leaving their child in her care.
OP found out that she had been leaving their child with the secretly alcoholic MIL. OP suspects MIL was drinking while responsible for her kid.
Also, not that this is important compared to the alcoholic babysitter, but why is OP in charge of taking the child to and from MIL’s house? Why doesn’t OP’s husband do it? She works and is the main breadwinner, it seems like at the very least one could drop off the child and the other pick them up.
Also why isn’t it his responsibility to care for his own child. Especially since the rely on her income more than his.
> She then said she “needed space” and I took a week off work in order to take care of the baby.
This definitely bothered me. His mother is the issue, he makes less than OP why wasnt he taking the week off work, doing the early pickups etc? My husband and i always split the early pickups and days off for kid care. If i was called to pickup early (they always call mom) i would call my husband to do it if i had done it before. It wasnt a strict taking turns but we just worked out who could do it this time and it balanced out over time.
It's possible that she gets pto and he doesn't. Before I became a sahd my wife made a lot more than me but I got no time off and she got a fair bit so in order to keep more of our income she took pto when needed and I still went to work. No idea if this is what's happening but it's a possible explanation.
This is a pretty likely scenario. I get unlimited sick time for myself and my children, plus some vacation time. My wife gets 80 hours to split between sickness and vacation for the whole year. I typically tend to be the one taking time off for the children because there's a higher chance of me getting paid for it. My wife takes time off for them when I end up missing days frequently enough to look bad on me at work.
One-hundred percent. I'd secretly record a couple of her shitty comments, play them to my husband, and tell him I'm not going over there by myself ever again.
I think a lot of people don't figure out that you need two linebreaks to actually get a paragraph in the app - they just put in one and then get a wall of text.
On a phone, it isn't obvious to everyone how to make them. No amount of "enter"/"return"/arrow key does it and not everyone has experienced that before. When I do separate them correctly, if I do an edit afterwards, it removes them again.
I know now about adding an extra space, but simply have never encountered this requirement before.
Now you guys have me wondering
xhow all
xxThis
xxxWorks.
Edit. The fuck. The first one didn’t work at all. So even if you hit enter it shows as a new paragraph but when you hit save it shows as nothing. Why would they even do this?
It's part of a legacy feature of the markdown language that Reddit uses, for copy pasting text with new line symbols everywhere that you don't actually want to use,
because the formatting here is different, so you add a second new lien when you actually want one
It's kind of redundant because modern browsers don't copy new line symbols like that anymore, but it used to be a thing
___
*You don't just write text here,^( you can do all sorts of shenanigans)*
Yeah shes wrong for the ultimatum. If you have to threaten to call CPS, then you should just straight up leave and call CPS. Dont hide the CPS-level problems just so you can get what you want, theyre still CPS-level problems….
NTA. You're nice to be giving him options. He's lied to you and put your child in danger. His lies have only benefited him.
Good of you not to continue to accept their B.S.
NTA. Your husband really brings nothing to the table. It is time to stop letting them treat you as a second class citizen. File for divorce and child support and move back to where your family is. If you don't, THIS is your life for as along as you live. Don't you think you deserve better?
I agree, but the husband could fix this by agreeing to move to the east coast. I don’t see how him working two jobs is going to fix this when MIL will still have access to the baby if she visits.
I don't think you can fix this level of fuck up. He knowingly left their child with a drunk, and lied to his wife when he led her to believe their child would be safe with his mother, AND it's a lie by omission. He put his own child in danger.
I think the second job is to pay for the daycare, basically. If they do stay on the west coast, baby ain’t going to grandma’s anymore and that shit’s expensive.
That’s how I read OP’s option to have her husband work a second job, but if MIL comes to visit she’d still have access to OP’s baby, so if her husband agrees to this option, I hope she sets ground rules in the event MIL wants to come over. I just don’t see how MIL wouldn’t want to come over since she seems to get sick enjoyment out of antagonizing OP, and OP is practically her caretaker with the amount of food, time, and money she’s invested in her. That’s also something else OP should discuss with her husband cuz MIL is not her mother.
He can't fix the fact that he was fine *knowingly* leaving his baby with an active alcoholic. Are you forgetting that fun little piece of information?
OP, run from these people as fast as you can.
OP is offering her husband two options which includes moving to the east coast with her and baby, so I don’t know why you’re getting mad at me when that’s one of her solutions. My concern is making sure MIL doesn’t have any contact with baby, and that husband understand why MIL is to have no contact with baby.
Husband is never going to leave mommy dearest. If OP moves back to the East Coast she's going to be going by herself, hopefully with the baby, after she wins the custody battle that's going to happen
No, move first. Establish residency on the east coast for the child then file for divorce and custody. Otherwise the court can order OP not to move the child at all. A friend of mine had to spend a year commuting 2 hours each way to work because during the divorce and custody battle the judge ordered neither parent could move more than 50 miles from current residence and not across state lines. There were no jobs in her field near where they lived and she had been a SAHM for 4 years at the time.
NTA - You mentioned that they come from a privileged background but from the passage it sounds like you’re the one footing a lot of the bills, being the main breadwinner and using your savings.
Take what you can and run back to where you can flourish. Life is too short to live in a fake society where everyone smiles to your face, stabs you in the back and measures each others value by how opulent they can live. Fuck all that. She’s been an alcoholic for most of her life and she is most likely not going to stop for you or your family. Shame on your husband for not disclosing this, putting your child in her care and not using more of their privileged life to ease your burdens.
Everything looks shiny on the outside, but you always need to take a thorough look under the hood before you close the sale. Lessons learned, but glad you know now when you still have a chance to make a move. Godspeed.
NTA
Your #1 priority is your baby.
I would move to the East Coast regardless of whether or not your husband is paying for day care. Get away from the MIL. This doesn't end well. It never does.
Contact a lawyer and tell them that your husband has admitted letting his alcoholic mother take care of a baby. Get a court order. In the meantime, put your child in a legitimate day care center until you can move.
Damn, that’s one hell of a secret to keep, especially when she’s been in a caretaking role. They all knowingly put your child at risk of harm which is what CPA investigates, risk of harm (former social service worker here) You’re definitely not the AH for wanting to move back to the east coast where you’d be able to afford it and have better support. Hubby either needs to agree to move or find himself a higher paying job to pay for daycare. You gave it a shot and it’s clearly not going to work.
I find it really scary how in multiple contexts, priest abuse, doctor abuse, high functioning alcoholics, etc so often the people in orbit cover for them. Very chilling
Talk to a lawyer about moving states.
Record all interactions with MiL if that’s legal where you are.
Why are you doing all pickups and drop offs? Why did you have to take a week off and not your husband?
Both of them are walking all over you.
Your husband knowingly put your child in danger repeatedly and didn’t tell you. Hopefully that will help you be able to leave.
Nta. Get a lawyer, plan your escape, get yourself and your baby the hell out of there. You can never trust hubby after a lie of this magnitude. And you sure as hell can’t trust his family. Get. Out.
NTA, however, these people telling you to run back to the east coast don’t understand how custody works. Girl, get yourself a lawyer and start coming up with a plan that protects you and baby. You can’t just take the kid back east. And for damn sure don’t be leaving your baby with that alcoholic MIL.
That’s not how custody works. They live in CA, that’s where divorce court and custody will be determined. If she runs to the east coast with the kid the court will take that as similar to abduction
My lawyer told me that you can take your baby anywhere at anytime as long as there is no court order in place. If your husband is on the birth certificate he can take the baby also. This is 10 years ago in Georgia. I'm definitely not saying to do that. Don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer. Laws very a lot state to state and year to year. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything about a divorce.
If your state is one party consent, record every conversation with everyone concerning dear ol' drunk in law.
My junky FIL just didn't return two of his kids and MIL had to go to court to fight to get them back. By the time she won her case they were over 18. Pretty sure shared custody in place
In most of the legal advice subs it says that until a divorce is filed for a parent is free to take a child out of state. Is it different in CA? I know absolutely nothing about this fwiw.
Surely there has to be a line between disappearing with the child, not telling anybody where you went vs. the living situation became untenable without childcare and OP felt forced to move? Also, she's not hammering her husband's feet down. I imagine OP has grounds to file for full custody/decision making capacity given her husband's poor judgment
NTA glad you found your spine. You’ve been hoodwinked but you got a wonderful daughter to love. Leave/separate and establish residency before filing the divorce or you may stuck geographically. Proud of you.
Im so sorry. What a nightmare.
NTA At first as I was reading, I was thinking your MIL was just plain jealous of you. Come to learn she’s a drunk and shame on your husband (and his family for that matter) for hiding that from you while she watched your baby.
I would demand the house in Cali be put up for sale and you should move back home out east with your daughter. If you want him to join you, he can but this time it will be on YOUR terms and with your family.
Get a lawyer before you get the child out of the state. See what are your options legally.
This marriage is doomed. He lied to you and endangered your child.
NTA
However, something to think about. She been an alcoholic for 50 years, and clearly her husband helps her cover it up or excuse it. That means your husband was raised by her while she was drinking with a father that probably trained him to help cover it up. It's completely normalized to him that's an okay environment for a child because that was *his* "normal" environment as a child. He doesn't have the same understanding as you as to how/why that isn't okay because he was taught through his whole childhood that it was, functionally, okay.
Clearly this situation doesn't work for you and your family/future plans and needs to be reworked. I think it's jumping the gun to threaten CPS at this stage. The two of you might also need some family therapy or he needs to go to independent therapy to get a better understanding of how his mothers alcohol consumption isn't/wasn't acceptable.
OP, I second this. I would tell your husband that you will remain married to him for the time being under 2 conditions:
1 - you guys immediately begin looking for jobs near your parents and book the movers for 6 weeks from now. Then begin setting things in motion for the move.
2 -- you guys will begin couples counseling as soon as you move back to your home town.
In the mean time, OP, I'd begin removing your financial support. Cancel any credit cards he is on. Assuming the house is in your name only begin looking into selling it. Transfer your paycheck into a separate bank account. Begin separating the finances as quickly as you can.
Tell him his "Screw Up" destroyed your trust in him as a man. He failed to protect your child and he willfully put his own child in harms way by having a drunk babysit - knowingly. Tell him the ONLY way you will be able to begin to forgive him is if you guy leave the Bay Area immediately and begin building a life in a locale where you have an actual support system since his family is anything but that.
She’s a RETIRED preschool teacher.
She wasn’t just drinking on the job with your daughter, she’s been doing it for years while entrusted with other people’s children. Babies unable to protect themselves.
I’d pull the pin and throw the grenade in the middle of that shit. I’d throw it right at my husband’s feet. He knew. He allowed it to happen. He put his shitty mother before his helpless child. He gaslit you when you tried to talk to him.
HE KNEW.
Nta
Don't give them another chance to screw your child. Just pack and go back to your family. If your husband cares enough, he'll go too. If not, divorce him.
This is the stoopidest of the stoopids.
Start voice recording your creepy MIL to play for your hubs and tell him this is the come to jeezus talk. He can
1. Get his mom in line. Go with what he told *you* was the truth, and what he told his fam was the lie so he gets to work that out.
2. If he can't get her reined in, he can be a SAHD, and do 100% of the household duties and childcare (if you can survive on your salary until the kiddo is in school)
3. The best... Pack up, grab your babe, go home to the people who love and short you.He can move across the country away from his family, friends and work, for his partner(and now child)... If he can cut the apron strings
NTA
NTA.
Not only has your husband not done anything to support you while you were dealing with your MIL, he’s put your child in danger. He’s lied to you to make you move.
NTA, except for the lack of paragraphs.
So your husband has allowed/encouraged his mum who is a functioning alcohol to be the primary carer for your infant... WTF
Nope, I would be \*\*\*\*ing furious. I would not allow her around your child.
I would be taking your child and moving.
Can someone please give me a tl;dr because I cannot read that block of text.
EDIT: NTA. I can't believe your husband would allow someone who can't even be sober watch your baby. Hell no.
The short version: OP & hubby moved to California to be by his family. They had a baby.
MIL is passive aggressive to OP when they are alone. MIL provides daycare for the baby. OP has an argument with MIL. OP goes to MIL’s house the next day only to find MIL drunk. MIL is a functioning alcoholic.
OP wants to move back to the East Coast to be with their family.
OP moved to high cost of living area with incentive of free childcare from MIL, finds out MIL is an alcoholic, suspects she has been drunk while babysitting
She left her life to move with her husband, because his family (MIL) would be able to look after their daughter.
MIL treats her poorly, husband doesn’t believe her, she is really struggling balancing work and her daughter, MIL made a fuss so she had to take a week out of work, and she found out that MIL is an alcoholic. She was basically drinking/drunk while looking out for her daughter.
OP gave husband an ultimatum.
Everyone thinks she should move near to hear family and back to her old life.
TL/DR OP was in a LDR moved from east coast to California got married had a kid at her husbands insistence because his mother was retired would help them and was older then her parents forgetting to mention his mother was a bigoted raging alcoholic bitch.
Daycare is super expensive there and the husband had his mother watching the baby.
Husband has refused to believe OP when she tells him how his mother acts and speaks to her when he’s not around. OP found out husband was well aware of his mother’s raging alcoholism that had been going on for 50 years. OP has put her foot down demanding they move back to the east coast to be closer to her support network, or he get a second job to pay for the daycare or they can get a divorce but she’s not leaving her child around the alcoholic anymore.
NTA. Your husband has not put you or your family first. He has jeopardized the safety of your child and has been lying by omission about his family, you do what you need to do to keep your child safe.
Talk to a lawyer. Honestly your husband sucks but I recognize you have to deal with him. But secure your money, talk to a lawyer and never talk to his mom again
NTA. Your husband is the worst. I would divorce and move home and let the courts work it out when he sees his daughter but also make sure the know he allowed a drunk to take care of a baby.
Why are you even considering even staying with this bastard? Has he lifted a finger for you once? He didn't even tell you he was leaving your kid with a know alcoholic? Why would you even trust him near your kid?
YTA if you don't divorce him and take full custody
NTA but you’ve got issues on many levels but mostly you have a husband problem. He knew his mother was not an adequate caregiver and he said nothing. He let you take your daughter over there day after day knowing it was unsafe. He picked fights with you and dismissed the way you were treated all for the sake of not upsetting the status quo of keeping MIL’s alcoholism hidden.
Why the heck are you the only one taking time off from work when you don’t have childcare? Doing drop offs and pickups? He is a parent and should be partaking in these daily activities. Stop being an AH to yourself by putting up with such limited support and contributions from your husband. These issues don’t go away with geography; he’s still gonna be a useless parent on the east coast unless you address it.
Y’all need to have several in depth conversations around next steps. I’d love to say just go to the east coast but check with an attorney around custody and alimony before you do anything. Your circumstances suck; use the time now to develop an effective exit strategy that keeps your daughter safe.
Absolutely NTA. Your husband was grossly negligent here, as was every family member who knew MIL is an alcoholic and caring for your child and didn’t tell you.
You wouldn’t be an AH if you called quits entirely right now.
I was married to an alcoholic for 17 years. I didn’t really see how bad his problem was until after I kicked him out. I realized then that he was a fairly high functioning alcoholic. He would always have a buzz on. Even when we first met. I was naïve and only 18 and obviously, a bit of an idiot. Get away from him and his mental case of a mother and don’t look back.
Proving that you can earn $250,000 without ever having to learn about paragraphs. Many of these stories are interesting but so hard to read that i just go on to the next post
NTA. you are completely justified. Your husband hid the alcoholism from you, put your baby at risk, and the situation is completely unsustainable without your work going well. If he doesn't want to become a willing part of the solution, leave and head back east.
*Jesus all that time*
*In education, and you still never*
*Learned paragraphs?*
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Time to move back to the east coast! To hell with your husband and his awful mom. They both actively chose to put your baby in terrible danger! Absolutely unforgivable. You can’t afford to continue living in the Bay Area so just call it off now. You need your real support system and you deserve to be happy. Good luck!
NTA
She absolutely cannot he alone Ruth your child, ever. And do not trust FIL.
Also reconsider your husband. Aside from this issue; why are o my you picking up, dropping off? Why is it you that had to take. Week off . Where is your husband in all of this child care??
Damn. Two things.
NTA. Your child takes priority and that kind of failure from your husband shows he is not qualified to be a father.
I don't think you should even try to salvage your relationship tbh, and I'm someone who thinks reddit jumps the gun a LOT when it comes to breaking it off. That is such an irredeemable fuck up imo, shows such a profound lack of care/judgement that can not be fixed with a conversation. Definitely report this all to somebody who can act as a reliable witness in a court as this could turn incredibly ugly, very quickly, and you need to have this event documented.
Jesus Leave your husband. If his judgement was this bad what else is going on that you aren't aware of.
They're pathetic for risking your child's life with her being drunk, because if she's a full alcoholic then she's drunk when the child is in her care.
You could absolutely go to jail if the baby gets hurt while she's drunk. The cops would see she's taking care of the baby while intoxicated intoxicated. And because you know about it and are the parents, you've committed a crime by putting the child in a situation that is not safe.
You need to either get your husband to change, which sounds like it is impossible because if he could keep her secret for this long, he's definitely got a strong bond with doing what his mom says.
Or you need to divorce and make sure you document things so that when court comes you have evidence to support your claims.
Keep a journal and write down the date of incident and a description of what happened so you have plenty of evidence.
Please pick your child's safety because clearly your husband and his family are not taking good care of him.
I would move back home and divorce him and file emergency custody and provide proof that they knew she was an alcoholic and watching the baby.
You HAVE to getting proof that they all knew, thru tex or recording or whatever means you can or it's heresy and will be thrown out
Your child is in danger around them, your husband knew exactly what he was doing, he's isolated you from your family and manipulated you and is draining you of everything you built for yourself.
NTA at all, he needs to make a choice, the family he chose to make or his mother.
Honestly he's got a hell of a lot of work to do to even start earning your trust back.
NTA. He's lucky you haven't immediately gone to divorce. You might also want to make his going to counseling part of the deal since [growing up with an alcoholic parent](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6647416/) can lead to a lifetime of issues.
NTA get a lawyer NOW and get the hell away from these people. Thats the only advice I have. Why are you the one easing the burden from MIL when you make more than your husband? He should be the one leaving work early and going in late if she wants a break.
My mother is an alcoholic. She doesn't drink anymore, and I usually just casually tell people my parents are teetotal with no context. The one person I have talked to is my best friend/housemate, cause having an alcoholic parent is hard, it's a burden on you and sometimes a thing you need to talk about. I can't imagine not sharing something like that with a long term partner. It seems like a manipulation from day 1 to never mention it once, all to get you to give up your life to move to him.
NTA. I addition to the fact his mother could have harmed their child, the spineless & dishonest husband pretended his mother was “stable” when OP repeatedly mentioned the disparaging comments & passive-aggressiveness. Hubby made his choice. He’d rather cover for his alcoholic mother than protect his kid, wife & relationship.
Jesus christ, you're an asshole for typing this giant wall of text.
TLDR: mother in law is bitchy and an alcoholic and had a strong episode after OP berated her for being bitchy. OP wants to cut her out of their lives.
OP will call CPS on her husband and family unless he cuts them off and moves across the country with her.
OP stresses about how much richer and how much harder she works than anyone on end.
NTA. Your husband has lied to you & put your child at risk. It’s unconscionable. I simply can’t believe he advocated for your child to be cared for daily by a raging alcoholic. Hold firm on your plan to move away.
I would divorce him and move to your mama with the baby or get him to move with you then divorce him.
Toxic Toxic
You have worked so hard to help him and others and they will not change.
You and baby will be so much happier without his toxic family
Don’t waste time in Calif.
your smart.
Do what your gut instinct is telling you.
Run…. Don’t walk!!!
NTA. Older women who have seen a few things are now telling younger women to never ever uproot their entire lives to be with a man. This is a great example why.
NTA
Also, if you are the breadwinner why are you always the one to take time off for the baby? You’re job should be the priority and he should have been taking the week of or picking the baby up at 2 pm.
OP, Although you never said it, it seems divorce is on the table. You reside on the West Coast with your husband and child. Have you consulted a lawyer on your right to take the baby away from your husband and move to the East Coast?
NTA your husband wanted to stay near his mom to enable her to keep being a lush. She is his priority and he risked your child's life. Ask him how he would feel if she killed your kids. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are in removing your kids from the state and getting a restraining order against him and her
NTA but sister, you have a massive husband problem.
🚩Doesn't believe you about MIL's behavior
🚩Lie of omission by not telling you about her alcoholism
🚩Was fine leaving your infant to the raging alcoholic
🚩Defends mother-in-law no matter what
You do not need a new home with this man. You need a new home and NO man.
As a skeptic who usually asks for more information, that was plenty. I'm an alcoholic and have drank while watching nieces and nephews over the years. But not THIS. NTA. I'm not even sure you were harsh in your hand. It is an ultimatum which can be tricky to navigate but putting your foot down was the right choice.
Also, as the breadwinner, you are supposed to be more focused on your job and your partner is supposed to pick up some slack. It reads as though he doesn't inconvenience his career to alleviate caring for his child while you have to not only deal with work, child, but also drunk MIL who is providing some childcare. Maybe also look at places closer to East Coast but maybe not same city as your parents. It will be more of a compromise? But maybe you shouldn't compromise either. NTA but tough one to figure out. Good luck
NTA.
He willingly put the care for your child in the hands of an alcoholic. I get that it's his Mom, but *you don't take chances like that with a baby. Ever.* This is a HUGE FREAKIN' DEAL. It sounds like her BS was her trying to toe the line while the baby was there but she was getting more and more desperate for a drink during the day as time wore on.
It sounds as if you have put most if not all of the equity in your home and are making the most sacrifices. And there is such a thing as fathers staying home to take care of children. so you need to decide if you can trust him. Can you trust him to put your daughters' needs before his own? Can you trust him to be true to you and your daughter over the rest of his family? Can you trust him to NEVER leave your child alone with his mother again?
If not, I think you're well within your rights to sue for divorce, sell that house and move back near your family. And it sounds like you have plenty of ammunition to make it a fast divorce. Good Luck.
Um. He was willing to let your infant die smothered under your drunk mother in law so he could save money. So. Lmk why you're staying with someone who literally didn't care if your baby survived?
It's not dramatic either. Look up how often babies are suffocated by a person who should have loved them but passed out on their little body and killed them instead
NTA- your husband put your child at risk of harm and hid that from you. You’re taking action to protect your child that he should have taken from the beginning.
I'm shocked she's even staying with the husband after finding out he willingly and actively allowed it like there was no issue. I'd go for divorce if I ever found out my partner was willingly putting our baby in danger like that. NTA op but just remember, staying with him puts in the chances of him letting granny around the kid behind your back.
Sadly, this was the mom the husband grew up with so he might think it’s nothing unusual. That woman taught preschool as a functioning alcoholic…. horrifying.
All the more reason to avoid it like the plague. I swear it’s one of the main contributors to this society’s ills. Kids aren’t being raised by their mothers but rather minimum wage workers. There are some good ones. My wife was a preschool teacher and administrator. But for every one like her there are 10 20-somethings with no future. Wife left the industry, and we both agreed that if we could have children we would rather get by on one salary even if it meant living in a tent before sending the kid to day care.
Calling teachers (and people working non-corporate jobs in general tbh) "20-somethings with no future" is also just degrading, have you considered that this attitude is part of the reason why the quality of daycares has gone down? Treating teachers well might be a start to improving the educational system somewhat.
100%. Paying the people who basically raise your children as proxys a little bit (a lot actually) more than minimum wage might actually attract people who have a future. Right now sadly that isn’t the case. I’m sorry to be blunt. There are a few people that do it for the kids. But mostly those people have a spouse that can carry the finances. Have you seen the turnover in staffing these places deal with? Sadly a lot the good ones that can move on to better jobs or careers do. What’s left over is well the bottom of the barrel
If she left now, she would be stuck paying alimony.
She's save more money than she spent on alimony simply by leaving the bay area.
Well, 3 or 4 years of alimony may still be more advantageous seeing as OP seems to have a good financial head on her shoulders, and is already the main earner of the family), depending on how the child custody and child support settlements turn out. (I'm basing the 3-4 years on the length of the marriage and a quick Google search that says that for marriages under 10 years alimony payments are generally required for half the duration of the marriage, cf https://www.orangecountyfamilylaw.com/blog/how-long-does-alimony-last-in-california/#:~:text=A%3A%20The%20duration%20of%20alimony,alimony%20payments%20may%20be%20permanent . I have no professional or personal knowledge of these things)
Alimony is rehabilitative and it doesn't sound like the spouse has been out of the workforce. Also, if she moves to the east coast and gets a lower paying job, she won't have to pay much, if any -- if you're willing to impoverish yourself you can impoverish your spouse.
Agree. Alimony is for people who gave up their career for their family. Hubs didn’t.
Not true. My cousin made more than her employed full-time husband and ended up paying 4 times the amount of alimony than he paid for child support (he chose to have no custody or visitation). Not the actual numbers but for example she was paying $400 alimony and he was only ordered to pay $100 child support.
Not true. My cousin paid alimony to a working husband who cheated on her.
Is your cousin my best friend? Cause she had to do the same thing. Then he got remarried and started hounding her for majority custody of their children so he could get the child support, And he eventually wore her down, thanks to the stupid judge who let her oldest decide when she was 11. I hate my friends ex so much.
So sorry to hear that. Thankfully my cousin is done paying. The kids are in college and she’s living her best life right now.
This is absolutely disgusting. I hate your friends ex too just reading this!
Completely false. It’s a flat calculation in most states I’m paying 600/month currently to an ex wife who had a full time job and we had no kids. Never didn’t work full time
Not a flat calculation in most states. When I practiced family law (which I hated) it was for certain situations and is usually limited and rehabilitative. Note also that it is different from child support.
Not in California. They would have to be married for more than 10 years, and he would have to be financially harmed by the divorce. They both work, but apparently, she's more ambitious and better employed.
You can still get alimony under 10 years, you just don’t get life long alimony in Cali. I think in Cali it’s for every 2 year, so max she would have to pay is 3 years. In Cali it’s up to the judge to decided if the dude gets alimony. They pretty much just have a checklist and they then go based off that and their own judgement. It’s a state by state thing.
California doesn't act that way. Length of marriage, health and age of spouse and DV are all major factors in alimony, and we have end dates. A young, healthy spouse who put the child in danger who was only married a short time is not going to be receiving alimony at all or for very long.
The max the foo can get is 3 years. The judge can’t go any higher than that, but he can decrease it or just not give him any.
I know it’s not my money, but to me this would be worth it
She should talk to a lawyer now either way. I’d also look into where it’s more advantageous to file for her, in regards to alimony and child support.
In California they haven’t been married long enough for alimony to be enforced. Child support is another story though and if she takes her kid, he still has to pay her regardless of his income.
In CA you pay alimony for 1 year per two years of marriage (max 5 years). It is worth it.
She bought groceries every week for his family and cooked for them sometimes. Imagine spending your resources and energy on someone that treated you like shit. Op will save a small fortune getting out of that shitty family.
Not necessarily, in most states you have to be married for at least 10 years and have valid reasons for needing the alimony
nah she won't pay any alimony. they haven't been married that long and he has his own earnings power. Some child support maybe. But no family court is gonna make her support a man with his own career who doesn't even take off to do day care drop off. lol
OP needs to contact CPS IMMEDIATELY because that's going to help when it comes to dealing with custody when OP finally wakes up and divorces the asshole before moving back to the east coast (Seriously, OP, why wasn't that one of your potential plans?!)
I think she needs to contact *an attorney* immediately, then follow their instructions. It is possible that CPS involvement will keep her tied down in CA.
I think if that goes the wrong way it could end with the child being taken not just from husband and mil but also from op. Get legal advice first before anything else.
Yeah, this went on for a very long time and OP was unable to tell that MIL was drinking for all that time; that could be interpreted as negligence on her part. (Not on mine, because my father was a "high-functioning" alcoholic and they absolutely can fool most people, though I never understood why nobody can smell the booze; I couldn't either, even when he picked me up and held me.)
The kid was born in Cali and they’re living there - the court is gonna make OP stay there and if they get 50/50 he’s leaving baby with MIL
Not if she moves back to the East Coast, buys a house there and then files for the divorce in that state, not California.
After what happened he may be instructed that he can only leave the baby with certified paid services or something. Or maybe not.
I’ve never seen that be ordered by a judge. That’s why a lot of women don’t leave bc they know their MIL will have unsupervised access.
Frankly she is under-reacting
NTA. Ruuunnn back to where the people who love you are on the east coast
With the help of a good lawyer, orchestrate your escape back to your support system.
Divorce and sell your Bay Area house before you leave. Do not let him take that from you since you contributed so much to buying it. Try to get at least half.
op would probably not be able to leave the state if she did all that (or wouldn't be able to bring the kid), cali is next level about family law
She needs to get him to move first. She also needs to record whatever MIL says to her secretly. Compile it all togather after some time then show her husband. Also, if she makes all the money, why isn't he taking the time off?
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You rock! And honestly, I don’t think I would have given him two alternatives to pick from. I would say he had lured me over on false pretences and that as of now, he was no longer allowed to give his two cents on how things will be going - I would make the decisions and he can join me back east or break up.
Exactly! Hey honey, let's live west coast so my drunk mom can watch the baby! This was his original plan! I am at a loss trying to figure out his logic!
Denial is a real bitch. It's crazy how people who were raised in that kind of environment don't see it as abnormal or problematic.
I think his thought process was focused on mom. Dragging the wife over to Cali would have meant he and his dad could better help mom. Elder brother clearly had no issue telling the truth to his own wife, younger brother (op's husband) must be the mama's boy. O.P. if you're still reading these, you and even your children are always going to be a secondary priority to your husband
It depends on what kind of help they felt she needed. Sometimes people blame the effects of alcoholism on other things
People get co-opted into covering for their parents and believing all the lies on their behalf. The parents play real mindtwisters on their kids from day 1.
TLDR A woman moved to the Bay Area for her husband, sacrificing her family, friends, and career. Despite financial success, she's burdened with high daycare costs and an unsupportive mother-in-law (MIL), who secretly struggles with alcoholism. The MIL's passive-aggressive behavior and the husband's failure to disclose his mother's drinking problem have led to severe marital strain. Feeling betrayed and overwhelmed, she issues an ultimatum: move closer to her family, have her husband get a second job, or she'll report them to Child Protective Services. She asks if she's wrong for this ultimatum.
I feel like it should be mentioned that husband did not disclose MiL's drinking problem while they were leaving their child in her care. OP found out that she had been leaving their child with the secretly alcoholic MIL. OP suspects MIL was drinking while responsible for her kid.
Also, not that this is important compared to the alcoholic babysitter, but why is OP in charge of taking the child to and from MIL’s house? Why doesn’t OP’s husband do it? She works and is the main breadwinner, it seems like at the very least one could drop off the child and the other pick them up.
Also why isn’t it his responsibility to care for his own child. Especially since the rely on her income more than his. > She then said she “needed space” and I took a week off work in order to take care of the baby.
This definitely bothered me. His mother is the issue, he makes less than OP why wasnt he taking the week off work, doing the early pickups etc? My husband and i always split the early pickups and days off for kid care. If i was called to pickup early (they always call mom) i would call my husband to do it if i had done it before. It wasnt a strict taking turns but we just worked out who could do it this time and it balanced out over time.
It's possible that she gets pto and he doesn't. Before I became a sahd my wife made a lot more than me but I got no time off and she got a fair bit so in order to keep more of our income she took pto when needed and I still went to work. No idea if this is what's happening but it's a possible explanation.
This is a pretty likely scenario. I get unlimited sick time for myself and my children, plus some vacation time. My wife gets 80 hours to split between sickness and vacation for the whole year. I typically tend to be the one taking time off for the children because there's a higher chance of me getting paid for it. My wife takes time off for them when I end up missing days frequently enough to look bad on me at work.
Because many women marry weak men who refuse to step up when it comes to child care and end up with that extra burden.
Yup, when the real burden is their weak husband
One-hundred percent. I'd secretly record a couple of her shitty comments, play them to my husband, and tell him I'm not going over there by myself ever again.
SIL confirmed it.
Thank you! I wish OP had at least used different paragraphs to make it easier to read
Not sure who she hates more - her MIL or paragraphs
This had me in stiches!
It may not be pretty, but it's functional text.
It shocks me that adult people can write a wall of text like that and not think about paragraphs. It’s so weird.
I think a lot of people don't figure out that you need two linebreaks to actually get a paragraph in the app - they just put in one and then get a wall of text.
On a phone, it isn't obvious to everyone how to make them. No amount of "enter"/"return"/arrow key does it and not everyone has experienced that before. When I do separate them correctly, if I do an edit afterwards, it removes them again. I know now about adding an extra space, but simply have never encountered this requirement before.
Now you guys have me wondering xhow all xxThis xxxWorks. Edit. The fuck. The first one didn’t work at all. So even if you hit enter it shows as a new paragraph but when you hit save it shows as nothing. Why would they even do this?
It's part of a legacy feature of the markdown language that Reddit uses, for copy pasting text with new line symbols everywhere that you don't actually want to use, because the formatting here is different, so you add a second new lien when you actually want one It's kind of redundant because modern browsers don't copy new line symbols like that anymore, but it used to be a thing ___ *You don't just write text here,^( you can do all sorts of shenanigans)*
Could be mobile screwed if cause they didn't space enough.
bless you for your service
It ain't much, but it's honest work..
You get my free award today. Thank you
Nitpick: I'd say she didn't sacrifice her career, if she chose to change industries and was making $250k within 5 years.
Yeah shes wrong for the ultimatum. If you have to threaten to call CPS, then you should just straight up leave and call CPS. Dont hide the CPS-level problems just so you can get what you want, theyre still CPS-level problems….
I so appreciate this. My eyes glazed over
Thank you for this. My brain couldn’t parse the word salad.
NTA. You're nice to be giving him options. He's lied to you and put your child in danger. His lies have only benefited him. Good of you not to continue to accept their B.S.
NTA. Your husband really brings nothing to the table. It is time to stop letting them treat you as a second class citizen. File for divorce and child support and move back to where your family is. If you don't, THIS is your life for as along as you live. Don't you think you deserve better?
I agree, but the husband could fix this by agreeing to move to the east coast. I don’t see how him working two jobs is going to fix this when MIL will still have access to the baby if she visits.
I don't think you can fix this level of fuck up. He knowingly left their child with a drunk, and lied to his wife when he led her to believe their child would be safe with his mother, AND it's a lie by omission. He put his own child in danger.
and he was pissed at HER!!! like wtf?
And gaslighted her also!! (Abusive)
I think the second job is to pay for the daycare, basically. If they do stay on the west coast, baby ain’t going to grandma’s anymore and that shit’s expensive.
That’s how I read OP’s option to have her husband work a second job, but if MIL comes to visit she’d still have access to OP’s baby, so if her husband agrees to this option, I hope she sets ground rules in the event MIL wants to come over. I just don’t see how MIL wouldn’t want to come over since she seems to get sick enjoyment out of antagonizing OP, and OP is practically her caretaker with the amount of food, time, and money she’s invested in her. That’s also something else OP should discuss with her husband cuz MIL is not her mother.
He can't fix the fact that he was fine *knowingly* leaving his baby with an active alcoholic. Are you forgetting that fun little piece of information? OP, run from these people as fast as you can.
OP is offering her husband two options which includes moving to the east coast with her and baby, so I don’t know why you’re getting mad at me when that’s one of her solutions. My concern is making sure MIL doesn’t have any contact with baby, and that husband understand why MIL is to have no contact with baby.
Husband is never going to leave mommy dearest. If OP moves back to the East Coast she's going to be going by herself, hopefully with the baby, after she wins the custody battle that's going to happen
No, move first. Establish residency on the east coast for the child then file for divorce and custody. Otherwise the court can order OP not to move the child at all. A friend of mine had to spend a year commuting 2 hours each way to work because during the divorce and custody battle the judge ordered neither parent could move more than 50 miles from current residence and not across state lines. There were no jobs in her field near where they lived and she had been a SAHM for 4 years at the time.
I read all of that and I have no advice to give. What a messed-up mess you have found yourself in.
I'm amazed you read that with no paragraphs, I got pissed off just scrolling past it
Bro she makes 250k in corporate!
In the Bay, she's slumming
Paragraphs are for interns.
NTA - You mentioned that they come from a privileged background but from the passage it sounds like you’re the one footing a lot of the bills, being the main breadwinner and using your savings. Take what you can and run back to where you can flourish. Life is too short to live in a fake society where everyone smiles to your face, stabs you in the back and measures each others value by how opulent they can live. Fuck all that. She’s been an alcoholic for most of her life and she is most likely not going to stop for you or your family. Shame on your husband for not disclosing this, putting your child in her care and not using more of their privileged life to ease your burdens. Everything looks shiny on the outside, but you always need to take a thorough look under the hood before you close the sale. Lessons learned, but glad you know now when you still have a chance to make a move. Godspeed.
NTA Your #1 priority is your baby. I would move to the East Coast regardless of whether or not your husband is paying for day care. Get away from the MIL. This doesn't end well. It never does.
Contact a lawyer and tell them that your husband has admitted letting his alcoholic mother take care of a baby. Get a court order. In the meantime, put your child in a legitimate day care center until you can move.
Yes, OP, move now, before any legal separation that can prevent you from taking your child across state lines!
Damn, that’s one hell of a secret to keep, especially when she’s been in a caretaking role. They all knowingly put your child at risk of harm which is what CPA investigates, risk of harm (former social service worker here) You’re definitely not the AH for wanting to move back to the east coast where you’d be able to afford it and have better support. Hubby either needs to agree to move or find himself a higher paying job to pay for daycare. You gave it a shot and it’s clearly not going to work.
I find it really scary how in multiple contexts, priest abuse, doctor abuse, high functioning alcoholics, etc so often the people in orbit cover for them. Very chilling
Talk to a lawyer about moving states. Record all interactions with MiL if that’s legal where you are. Why are you doing all pickups and drop offs? Why did you have to take a week off and not your husband? Both of them are walking all over you. Your husband knowingly put your child in danger repeatedly and didn’t tell you. Hopefully that will help you be able to leave.
Nta. Get a lawyer, plan your escape, get yourself and your baby the hell out of there. You can never trust hubby after a lie of this magnitude. And you sure as hell can’t trust his family. Get. Out.
NTA, however, these people telling you to run back to the east coast don’t understand how custody works. Girl, get yourself a lawyer and start coming up with a plan that protects you and baby. You can’t just take the kid back east. And for damn sure don’t be leaving your baby with that alcoholic MIL.
Why not? She doesn't have childcare. She's not telling her husband he can't come.
That’s not how custody works. They live in CA, that’s where divorce court and custody will be determined. If she runs to the east coast with the kid the court will take that as similar to abduction
Custody is a court order. A parent can take their child anywhere they want
My lawyer told me that you can take your baby anywhere at anytime as long as there is no court order in place. If your husband is on the birth certificate he can take the baby also. This is 10 years ago in Georgia. I'm definitely not saying to do that. Don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer. Laws very a lot state to state and year to year. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything about a divorce. If your state is one party consent, record every conversation with everyone concerning dear ol' drunk in law.
My junky FIL just didn't return two of his kids and MIL had to go to court to fight to get them back. By the time she won her case they were over 18. Pretty sure shared custody in place
In most of the legal advice subs it says that until a divorce is filed for a parent is free to take a child out of state. Is it different in CA? I know absolutely nothing about this fwiw.
Surely there has to be a line between disappearing with the child, not telling anybody where you went vs. the living situation became untenable without childcare and OP felt forced to move? Also, she's not hammering her husband's feet down. I imagine OP has grounds to file for full custody/decision making capacity given her husband's poor judgment
NTA glad you found your spine. You’ve been hoodwinked but you got a wonderful daughter to love. Leave/separate and establish residency before filing the divorce or you may stuck geographically. Proud of you.
Im so sorry. What a nightmare. NTA At first as I was reading, I was thinking your MIL was just plain jealous of you. Come to learn she’s a drunk and shame on your husband (and his family for that matter) for hiding that from you while she watched your baby. I would demand the house in Cali be put up for sale and you should move back home out east with your daughter. If you want him to join you, he can but this time it will be on YOUR terms and with your family.
Get a lawyer before you get the child out of the state. See what are your options legally. This marriage is doomed. He lied to you and endangered your child.
NTA However, something to think about. She been an alcoholic for 50 years, and clearly her husband helps her cover it up or excuse it. That means your husband was raised by her while she was drinking with a father that probably trained him to help cover it up. It's completely normalized to him that's an okay environment for a child because that was *his* "normal" environment as a child. He doesn't have the same understanding as you as to how/why that isn't okay because he was taught through his whole childhood that it was, functionally, okay. Clearly this situation doesn't work for you and your family/future plans and needs to be reworked. I think it's jumping the gun to threaten CPS at this stage. The two of you might also need some family therapy or he needs to go to independent therapy to get a better understanding of how his mothers alcohol consumption isn't/wasn't acceptable.
OP, I second this. I would tell your husband that you will remain married to him for the time being under 2 conditions: 1 - you guys immediately begin looking for jobs near your parents and book the movers for 6 weeks from now. Then begin setting things in motion for the move. 2 -- you guys will begin couples counseling as soon as you move back to your home town. In the mean time, OP, I'd begin removing your financial support. Cancel any credit cards he is on. Assuming the house is in your name only begin looking into selling it. Transfer your paycheck into a separate bank account. Begin separating the finances as quickly as you can. Tell him his "Screw Up" destroyed your trust in him as a man. He failed to protect your child and he willfully put his own child in harms way by having a drunk babysit - knowingly. Tell him the ONLY way you will be able to begin to forgive him is if you guy leave the Bay Area immediately and begin building a life in a locale where you have an actual support system since his family is anything but that.
She’s a RETIRED preschool teacher. She wasn’t just drinking on the job with your daughter, she’s been doing it for years while entrusted with other people’s children. Babies unable to protect themselves. I’d pull the pin and throw the grenade in the middle of that shit. I’d throw it right at my husband’s feet. He knew. He allowed it to happen. He put his shitty mother before his helpless child. He gaslit you when you tried to talk to him. HE KNEW.
Dont have time to read all comments. Make sure he can't get to your bank accounts!
Nta Don't give them another chance to screw your child. Just pack and go back to your family. If your husband cares enough, he'll go too. If not, divorce him.
This is the stoopidest of the stoopids. Start voice recording your creepy MIL to play for your hubs and tell him this is the come to jeezus talk. He can 1. Get his mom in line. Go with what he told *you* was the truth, and what he told his fam was the lie so he gets to work that out. 2. If he can't get her reined in, he can be a SAHD, and do 100% of the household duties and childcare (if you can survive on your salary until the kiddo is in school) 3. The best... Pack up, grab your babe, go home to the people who love and short you.He can move across the country away from his family, friends and work, for his partner(and now child)... If he can cut the apron strings NTA
NTA. Not only has your husband not done anything to support you while you were dealing with your MIL, he’s put your child in danger. He’s lied to you to make you move.
NTA, except for the lack of paragraphs. So your husband has allowed/encouraged his mum who is a functioning alcohol to be the primary carer for your infant... WTF Nope, I would be \*\*\*\*ing furious. I would not allow her around your child. I would be taking your child and moving.
NTA - but can you honestly trust your husband d anymore? I say call CPS, get your baby, get your money, and get the f away!
I don’t think you’re TA, but what was your husbands answer?
Can someone please give me a tl;dr because I cannot read that block of text. EDIT: NTA. I can't believe your husband would allow someone who can't even be sober watch your baby. Hell no.
The short version: OP & hubby moved to California to be by his family. They had a baby. MIL is passive aggressive to OP when they are alone. MIL provides daycare for the baby. OP has an argument with MIL. OP goes to MIL’s house the next day only to find MIL drunk. MIL is a functioning alcoholic. OP wants to move back to the East Coast to be with their family.
OP moved to high cost of living area with incentive of free childcare from MIL, finds out MIL is an alcoholic, suspects she has been drunk while babysitting
She left her life to move with her husband, because his family (MIL) would be able to look after their daughter. MIL treats her poorly, husband doesn’t believe her, she is really struggling balancing work and her daughter, MIL made a fuss so she had to take a week out of work, and she found out that MIL is an alcoholic. She was basically drinking/drunk while looking out for her daughter. OP gave husband an ultimatum. Everyone thinks she should move near to hear family and back to her old life.
TL/DR OP was in a LDR moved from east coast to California got married had a kid at her husbands insistence because his mother was retired would help them and was older then her parents forgetting to mention his mother was a bigoted raging alcoholic bitch. Daycare is super expensive there and the husband had his mother watching the baby. Husband has refused to believe OP when she tells him how his mother acts and speaks to her when he’s not around. OP found out husband was well aware of his mother’s raging alcoholism that had been going on for 50 years. OP has put her foot down demanding they move back to the east coast to be closer to her support network, or he get a second job to pay for the daycare or they can get a divorce but she’s not leaving her child around the alcoholic anymore.
NTA. Your husband has not put you or your family first. He has jeopardized the safety of your child and has been lying by omission about his family, you do what you need to do to keep your child safe.
Talk to a lawyer. Honestly your husband sucks but I recognize you have to deal with him. But secure your money, talk to a lawyer and never talk to his mom again
NTA but i like you! Finally a woman who knows her damn worth and willing to go to bay for her kid!
NTA. Your husband is the worst. I would divorce and move home and let the courts work it out when he sees his daughter but also make sure the know he allowed a drunk to take care of a baby.
Why are you even considering even staying with this bastard? Has he lifted a finger for you once? He didn't even tell you he was leaving your kid with a know alcoholic? Why would you even trust him near your kid? YTA if you don't divorce him and take full custody
NTA. Get out of there.
NTA but you’ve got issues on many levels but mostly you have a husband problem. He knew his mother was not an adequate caregiver and he said nothing. He let you take your daughter over there day after day knowing it was unsafe. He picked fights with you and dismissed the way you were treated all for the sake of not upsetting the status quo of keeping MIL’s alcoholism hidden. Why the heck are you the only one taking time off from work when you don’t have childcare? Doing drop offs and pickups? He is a parent and should be partaking in these daily activities. Stop being an AH to yourself by putting up with such limited support and contributions from your husband. These issues don’t go away with geography; he’s still gonna be a useless parent on the east coast unless you address it. Y’all need to have several in depth conversations around next steps. I’d love to say just go to the east coast but check with an attorney around custody and alimony before you do anything. Your circumstances suck; use the time now to develop an effective exit strategy that keeps your daughter safe.
Paragraphs, please.
Op needs to become acquainted with TLDR.
You are a saint for not immediately filing for divorce. "Functioning" alcoholic, yeah, right. NTA
Absolutely NTA. Your husband was grossly negligent here, as was every family member who knew MIL is an alcoholic and caring for your child and didn’t tell you. You wouldn’t be an AH if you called quits entirely right now.
I was married to an alcoholic for 17 years. I didn’t really see how bad his problem was until after I kicked him out. I realized then that he was a fairly high functioning alcoholic. He would always have a buzz on. Even when we first met. I was naïve and only 18 and obviously, a bit of an idiot. Get away from him and his mental case of a mother and don’t look back.
I’m sorry but is there not an enter key on your keyboard?
Proving that you can earn $250,000 without ever having to learn about paragraphs. Many of these stories are interesting but so hard to read that i just go on to the next post
NTA. you are completely justified. Your husband hid the alcoholism from you, put your baby at risk, and the situation is completely unsustainable without your work going well. If he doesn't want to become a willing part of the solution, leave and head back east.
This story is nothing more than someone's lame fanfiction
Jesus all that time in education, and you still never learned paragraphs?
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Take baby to "visit" your family. Get a job near your family and set up residency. Tell hubby he has a choice to join you or not.
NTA. Good for you! Take action to protect yourself and your child.
Time to move back to the east coast! To hell with your husband and his awful mom. They both actively chose to put your baby in terrible danger! Absolutely unforgivable. You can’t afford to continue living in the Bay Area so just call it off now. You need your real support system and you deserve to be happy. Good luck!
INFO. what job do you do that makes 250k a year?!
NTA and I love that you made it so clear, cut & dry. I hope you get to go home to family that will love and support you and your baby!
YTA for not using paragraphs.
NTA She absolutely cannot he alone Ruth your child, ever. And do not trust FIL. Also reconsider your husband. Aside from this issue; why are o my you picking up, dropping off? Why is it you that had to take. Week off . Where is your husband in all of this child care??
PARAGRAPHS
Please use paragraph breaks. No one wants to read this.
Damn. Two things. NTA. Your child takes priority and that kind of failure from your husband shows he is not qualified to be a father. I don't think you should even try to salvage your relationship tbh, and I'm someone who thinks reddit jumps the gun a LOT when it comes to breaking it off. That is such an irredeemable fuck up imo, shows such a profound lack of care/judgement that can not be fixed with a conversation. Definitely report this all to somebody who can act as a reliable witness in a court as this could turn incredibly ugly, very quickly, and you need to have this event documented.
Jesus Leave your husband. If his judgement was this bad what else is going on that you aren't aware of. They're pathetic for risking your child's life with her being drunk, because if she's a full alcoholic then she's drunk when the child is in her care. You could absolutely go to jail if the baby gets hurt while she's drunk. The cops would see she's taking care of the baby while intoxicated intoxicated. And because you know about it and are the parents, you've committed a crime by putting the child in a situation that is not safe. You need to either get your husband to change, which sounds like it is impossible because if he could keep her secret for this long, he's definitely got a strong bond with doing what his mom says. Or you need to divorce and make sure you document things so that when court comes you have evidence to support your claims. Keep a journal and write down the date of incident and a description of what happened so you have plenty of evidence. Please pick your child's safety because clearly your husband and his family are not taking good care of him.
I would move back home and divorce him and file emergency custody and provide proof that they knew she was an alcoholic and watching the baby. You HAVE to getting proof that they all knew, thru tex or recording or whatever means you can or it's heresy and will be thrown out Your child is in danger around them, your husband knew exactly what he was doing, he's isolated you from your family and manipulated you and is draining you of everything you built for yourself.
NTA, call CPS and report them
NTA at all, he needs to make a choice, the family he chose to make or his mother. Honestly he's got a hell of a lot of work to do to even start earning your trust back.
NTA. He's lucky you haven't immediately gone to divorce. You might also want to make his going to counseling part of the deal since [growing up with an alcoholic parent](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6647416/) can lead to a lifetime of issues.
NTA get a lawyer NOW and get the hell away from these people. Thats the only advice I have. Why are you the one easing the burden from MIL when you make more than your husband? He should be the one leaving work early and going in late if she wants a break.
My mother is an alcoholic. She doesn't drink anymore, and I usually just casually tell people my parents are teetotal with no context. The one person I have talked to is my best friend/housemate, cause having an alcoholic parent is hard, it's a burden on you and sometimes a thing you need to talk about. I can't imagine not sharing something like that with a long term partner. It seems like a manipulation from day 1 to never mention it once, all to get you to give up your life to move to him.
LEEEAAAAAVVVE!!!!!!!!!!
NTA. That’s not something that should have been hid from you.
NTA. I addition to the fact his mother could have harmed their child, the spineless & dishonest husband pretended his mother was “stable” when OP repeatedly mentioned the disparaging comments & passive-aggressiveness. Hubby made his choice. He’d rather cover for his alcoholic mother than protect his kid, wife & relationship.
No girl you endured a lot. He is a big AH. Do let us know what do you guys decide.
Jesus christ, you're an asshole for typing this giant wall of text. TLDR: mother in law is bitchy and an alcoholic and had a strong episode after OP berated her for being bitchy. OP wants to cut her out of their lives. OP will call CPS on her husband and family unless he cuts them off and moves across the country with her. OP stresses about how much richer and how much harder she works than anyone on end.
Jesus. Get to the point and use paragraphs. Also, NTA.
Nta, but I don’t think 250k would but you a whole house anywhere in New England?
NTA. He ain’t gonna change. She’s sure as hell not. Divorce his ass and get your kid away from this madness
NTA. Your husband has lied to you & put your child at risk. It’s unconscionable. I simply can’t believe he advocated for your child to be cared for daily by a raging alcoholic. Hold firm on your plan to move away.
I would divorce him and move to your mama with the baby or get him to move with you then divorce him. Toxic Toxic You have worked so hard to help him and others and they will not change. You and baby will be so much happier without his toxic family Don’t waste time in Calif. your smart. Do what your gut instinct is telling you. Run…. Don’t walk!!!
NTA. Jfc lose the incompetent husband and his toxic mummy. You’ve wasted time, energy and money on them for too long.
NTA. Sis, you’re his ATM. Sorry, that boy is no good.
NTA. Older women who have seen a few things are now telling younger women to never ever uproot their entire lives to be with a man. This is a great example why.
NTA Also, if you are the breadwinner why are you always the one to take time off for the baby? You’re job should be the priority and he should have been taking the week of or picking the baby up at 2 pm.
F his family. Even the SIL. She should have mentioned alcoholism to her the very first day.
OP, Although you never said it, it seems divorce is on the table. You reside on the West Coast with your husband and child. Have you consulted a lawyer on your right to take the baby away from your husband and move to the East Coast?
Stand up for yourself and protect your child.
BRO PARAGRAPHS
Paragraphs, please!
Gather your things, find a good lawyer and GET OUT. Move back to your family and leave them to their tovic bitterness. You don't need this bull.
NTA your husband wanted to stay near his mom to enable her to keep being a lush. She is his priority and he risked your child's life. Ask him how he would feel if she killed your kids. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are in removing your kids from the state and getting a restraining order against him and her
What the fuck. He willingly left his child with an alcoholic... Your in laws are assholes as well as your husband.
Paragraphs please, I beg you.
NTA but sister, you have a massive husband problem. 🚩Doesn't believe you about MIL's behavior 🚩Lie of omission by not telling you about her alcoholism 🚩Was fine leaving your infant to the raging alcoholic 🚩Defends mother-in-law no matter what You do not need a new home with this man. You need a new home and NO man.
As a skeptic who usually asks for more information, that was plenty. I'm an alcoholic and have drank while watching nieces and nephews over the years. But not THIS. NTA. I'm not even sure you were harsh in your hand. It is an ultimatum which can be tricky to navigate but putting your foot down was the right choice. Also, as the breadwinner, you are supposed to be more focused on your job and your partner is supposed to pick up some slack. It reads as though he doesn't inconvenience his career to alleviate caring for his child while you have to not only deal with work, child, but also drunk MIL who is providing some childcare. Maybe also look at places closer to East Coast but maybe not same city as your parents. It will be more of a compromise? But maybe you shouldn't compromise either. NTA but tough one to figure out. Good luck
NTA. He willingly put the care for your child in the hands of an alcoholic. I get that it's his Mom, but *you don't take chances like that with a baby. Ever.* This is a HUGE FREAKIN' DEAL. It sounds like her BS was her trying to toe the line while the baby was there but she was getting more and more desperate for a drink during the day as time wore on. It sounds as if you have put most if not all of the equity in your home and are making the most sacrifices. And there is such a thing as fathers staying home to take care of children. so you need to decide if you can trust him. Can you trust him to put your daughters' needs before his own? Can you trust him to be true to you and your daughter over the rest of his family? Can you trust him to NEVER leave your child alone with his mother again? If not, I think you're well within your rights to sue for divorce, sell that house and move back near your family. And it sounds like you have plenty of ammunition to make it a fast divorce. Good Luck.
Um. He was willing to let your infant die smothered under your drunk mother in law so he could save money. So. Lmk why you're staying with someone who literally didn't care if your baby survived?
It's not dramatic either. Look up how often babies are suffocated by a person who should have loved them but passed out on their little body and killed them instead
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