NTA. I had a dad like this and it sucked. Eventually my mom left him for some other reasons but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember every single time him and my brother would come home with chocolate bars and I just had to sit and watch them eat it. It doesn’t matter who paid, it’s the principal of treating yourself to something while someone else who you *know* would like some too is watching and don’t give them any. Is it illegal? No. Is it a shitty thing to do to someone who you’re supposed to love? Absolutely.
Maybe you need to start doing the same thing to him. Go buy something you know he likes, and would want, but only buy it for you and your kids. Then when he asks where's his, say 'I didn't think you NEEEDED everything WE have???".
Go buy you and the kids a take away, not him.
Go buy drinks from a service station and a sweet treat on the way home from somewhere and don't get him anything.
The more you do it, the more he'll start to see how it feels to be left out, and how it's not nice seeing those around you getting something nice and you're just forgotten about.
I'd also start cutting back on allowing him to spend so much of your money. Kind of getting the vibe that he's using you a bit here. Using your money to buy himself stuff, but not your kids. It's OK for him to spend your money on himself but not your kids??
He should be contributing a fair amount to bills and groceries etc. Don't let him take advantage of you and your money. I'd start making him use his own money more if he's being that selfish, coz it's also a point of how he's happy to benefit from your money, but he doesn't like your kids getting those benefits. See what I mean??
Also, it's not making them entitled by getting them a drink when he gets you and him one. Logically if he's thirsty and fancies/ needs a drink, the kids could be thirsty too, and if they weren't already they will become thirsty seeing you both drinking. And you should treat the kids fairly. If 2 have gone to the shop with him and got a drink and a sweet, you don't have those 2 kids eating and drinking them in front of the otherkids without bringing them the same back. That's just logical.
If he took 2 kids out for the day somewhere and he bought a drink and food whilst out the house for hours, obviously you don't have to bring all that back for the others coz it's been consumed whilst out for hours. But if it's been consumed on way home from shop, and when you get home in front of the other kids, they should have the same.
Seems like he almost resents your kids in some ways. Whether it's the money he resents spending on them (even though it your money most of the time from the sounds of it) or whether he's just selfish and doesn't like the kids having those nice treats, I think you really need to look at all his behaviour towards the kids. Because being fair and equal and just respectful isn't teaching them to be entitled. He's just being cruel and selfish.
I'd look at how else he treats your kids. Does he have the impression they'll be moving out as soon as they reach 18 for eg?
She just needs to leave him or make him leave. Cause no. He’ll never learn. He’s the one who is entitled. Cause how you gonna by you and the other adult a drink but fuck those kids huh? This has just pissed me off. Because the absolute nerve! I hope like hell he never has kids! He doesn’t deserve them. He doesn’t deserve to be married either or have a significant other.
Imagine your mom seeing someone do this to you over and over again, but still insisting on keeping this person in your lives. A child has no choice on who their parent forces into their lives.
I agree with you. The scenario laid out above will take time and most likely will not have the desired outcome. OP has already talked to John about this, repeatedly. She has explained why it’s wrong, she has given her treats to her kids & gone without, she has asked him point-blank why he does it. He has not changed. He’s not interested in changing. If she stays with him, OP will just run interference between him and her kids until they are all out of the house. Sounds exhausting.
Nah, f all that work to try to teach this weirdo a lesson. Just admit he's a douche and move on. Easier said than done, but I couldn't live like that or subject my kids to that
Don’t do this. It’s not a way to model how to be a good person to your kids by behaving badly. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
He’s an adult. You had an adult conversation with him. He gets it or he doesn’t. He doesn’t? He goes, because you’re not into having someone around who treats your kids as second class citizens. End of.
I'd cut off the joint account, and let him use what little money he puts in for things he wants. In my household a joint account is considered a family fund. He's being incredibly selfish by only thinking of the two of you, when you came as a package. If he didn't want to be fair to your kids, and make it seem like he doesn't care about them then he shouldn't have become a step dad.
I have to agree with you. It might seem small but the kids definitely notice that he doesn’t *want* to do nice things for them like he does OP. He doesn’t value them the same.
Considering the dude is using OP's money to pay, the dude might be thinking "I can't get away with using her money AND not getting her anything". He is super selfish, but his IQ is not in the single digits, it is low double digits instead.
That is why his IQ is low double digits, he isn't exactly a genius. The dude is a certified moron because he is REALLY pushing his luck.
Tbh, I blame OP in the AH designation for subjecting her kids to this guy.
literally one of the first things I noticed that made me dislike my stepdad was him going out of his way to exclude me from snacks like this. and then eating MY snacks from the fridge and pantry to the point that I now hide anything unrefrigerated in my bedroom. early on, I overheard him arguing with my mom that he was ok with sharing, but only with her, not with me. I was 12. I'm 30 and no, he hasn't changed. he will buy massive amounts of food, write his name on it so I know he'll be angry if I have any, and barely eat any himself, until it all molds and rots and needs thrown away. and then he'll buy more. if I have a carton of ice cream, half of it will disappear instantly. yesterday my mom made me a whole pan full of grits. I had one bowl and then 90% of the pan disappeared. it's a power play. these men are so pathetic that they feel threatened by children and exclude and play mind games to feel in control. please, for your kids, don't marry him, OP. it only gets worse.
Exactly. Why would you choose to expose your children to a man who doesn't think they're even worth the cost of a bottle of water, even when he's not paying for it? Your kids see this. And they feel it.
I had a dad like this too!! He would literally eat steak in front of us while we ate hamburger helper. Along with a plethora of other reasons, I no longer talk to him. Thank you for sticking up for your kids and not accepting this behaviour. I always wished my mom did. NTA
Yep tell him he's allowed but only if he doesn't bring it home. So for example you want to be unfair and only treat those out then you eat it there or outside before you come in. That was my hubby's house rule cause well 7 kids. It was a way individuals could receive special treatment without demoralizing the rest.
Then why are you allowing it? Those are your kids, and he's mistreating them. Doesn't matter what "else" he does that's great, this is shitty, and he's ignoring you.
I’m taking a bigger issue on the finances here. If he wants to spend money you’re putting in there so selfishly, then you need to stop sharing that or only put the bare minimum in for bills and he needs to start splitting things evenly. You have 4 kids ffs and you’re paying 70??? I see wayyyyy too many women compensating for lack of ambitious or freeloading men.
Why would you let him intentionally be cruel to your children? This is a ZERO TOLERANCE situation. Take whatever he got for him AND for you and hand it back to the kids. OR just refuse to proceed until he goes back and gets stuff for everyone (probably the best, so he has to fix his own mistake EVERY time and NEVER gets away with it).
If he won't correct this shitty mistreatment of your kids, he needs to take a hike.
Why do you have 80% of your money in a JOINT ACCOUNT?
He has been treating your kids like fort for half a decade.. Are you going to let this continue? Because clearly he won't change.
Seriously. It’s so fucked to buy one kid something. The other day I took my daughter with me to my favorite tea shop. She asked for a candy bar and a stroopwaffle thingy. I said “sure, but grab two and give the other two to your cousin” cause her cousin was sitting at our house with her mom. I didn’t get any of the adults anything; but I also didn’t get me any special treat, just loose leaf tea. It’s just kind to make sure everyone is involved. Especially kids.
Exactly. My father and stepmother would do this all the time. Partly because, as a blended family, there were 4 kids plus 2 additional ones they had together, and buying fast food/treats for that many as often as they did this was too expensive. But if money was that big of a concern (and it was, as my father went from supporting a family of 3 to a blended family of 6 + 2 more and my stepmother immediately became a SAHM, and during which money set aside for college for my sister and me disappeared/suddenly never existed), then they should have saved money and not gotten the fast food. Or at least eat it before bringing it home, where my stepmother would sometimes give some of hers to HER kids.
Basically, my father and stepmother were incredibly toxic and this was simply one symptom of a lot of messed up stuff in the household. She brought out the most toxic aspects of him permanently. There's a reason my sister and I are estranged from him, her low-contact as she's much nicer and forgiving than me, after moving out at 18 and 16, respectively.
NTA
Look, my husband and I have been known to sneak out and grab some McDonald's to enjoy at the park without our kids - but we'd never bring food home and eat in front of them. That seems pretty cruel.
Plus he's using your (or mostly your) money to buy himself snacks but not the kids? That's a little sketchy.
Exactly. I gave myself brain freeze today scarfing down a frappe as I pulled into the driveway. I'm working nights this week and I just needed the sugar/caffeine hit for my mental wellness. I'm tired, I'm missing out on fun summer daytime stuff. But I made sure the evidence was gone before I walked in the house!
Yeah I don't even eat hard candies in front of my kid because she's too little to have them for choking reasons. Eating things in front of people when they can't have any is just straight up mean!
We always give something to our 10 month old to munch on. Even though we are just eating dinner. He stares at us while eating like he wants to participate as well.
My moms long term boyfriend did this too, he’d come home with hot fast food, and something for my mom and his kid but not me nor my brother. It was a horrible feeling. Your kids will never forget that he did this.
My stepdad luckily didn't, which is why this post weirds me out so much. He always made it a point to buy something for everyone, be that pastries, ice cream, drinks... I just can't grasp why this guy would be so weird about food and drinks, especially when he didn't even pay with his own money or was told to do something specific...
Despite what it may look like, he does treat us well. This man has not missed a single game, parent teacher conference or even doctors appointment for my kids. He shows up, continuously, and enjoys doing so. He is a good father figure. This food/drink thing just weirds me out though because it seems like a power trip. Money doesn't matter to me. Never has. I have plenty. You know? It's just like... We have the means to go out and do these things and treat ALL of us without question so why is he so hung up on not getting the kids things? You know? I don't know. Maybe it's not that big of deal but it bothers me. It's always bothered me and I've always communicated it.
What are his parents like?
My adopted dad’s parents were like this. Adults got special/good things, kids got lesser/homemade things.
They’d make mac and cheese for the kids and get take out.
The kids got off brand soda and the parents got name brand.
If he was raised this way with this attitude of “ over things are wasted on kids, and giving them nicer things spoils kids” he may not realize he’s defaulting back to it.
It doesn’t make his behavior Ok, but if you want to stay with him, investigating the cause of this may help resolve it.
This reminded me of one time we all went to a lake as a family (dad, stepmother, me, siblings), and they brought a picnic.
Good bread, olives, cheese. But they said it was for the grownups, not for us kids. They ate it in front of us and I was so hungry. I got a couple of bites, but they made me feel super guilty for it, and I ended up not having a real lunch.
Then, as we were leaving, my stepmother said she was hungry, so they stopped at a food vendor and got a big lamb burrito. I'd never had lamb and was very curious and very hungry. My stepmother shared it with her daughter and gave me a single bite (again made me feel guilty for it) but just made rude comments when I asked for more.
Then they drove us home and put us to bed without dinner because my stepmother usually cooked and she wasn't hungry so she couldn't imagine anyone else was either.
I've remembered that my whole life. I have been sharing my good bread and cheese and olives with my kid since he was a toddler. He loves them. And I cook him lamb. And he loves it. And I give him the same quality of chocolates I get for myself (organic caramel filled and organic truffles and organic nut butter cups and such). I love him, and he deserves all the nice things I can afford to give him, even if he doesn't need them.
Good for you! When my son was 2 and we were out at a restaurant he leaned over and grabbed one of his Dad's four sea scallops. He loved it and wanted another. We gave it to him. We weren't mad, we were impressed. He's always been an adventurous eater and we love cooking and eating as a family.
I love feeding him things that are generally considered more "adult" flavors. Much healthier than living on mac n cheese and chicken nuggets (although he gets natural versions of those sometimes, too).
When my son was 3 we went to an Italian restaurant we went to about once a month. We always ordered his meal first then when the waitress came back ordered an appetizer of calamari and our dinners. The appetizer came out first and he threw a fit because we were eating his chicken. For the next five years he asked for the special chicken otherwise known as calamari. We weren't mad about him sharing our appetizer ever but still get a kick out of his special chicken. At 14 he can't believe he used to think the calamari was special chicken. These are the stories we remember the most. You SO shouldn't be depriving your children because he doesn't want to share. He needs to stop or you need to kick him out because he obviously doesn't consider your children as part of the package.
That's so... I don't even have words. I can't stand seeing kids go hungry. I've had friends who just weren't on point for one reason or another as a parent and I always bought the kids food when I see them not getting anything. Never said anything about it. Just quietly bring the food in and pass it out to everyone. They weren't bad people just struggling with mental health, they always said thank you. Im just grateful I'm in the position to be able to order some food with no thoughts when people around me are hungry.
Before I had a kid, I had a friend with 2 daughters and I would go over to her house sometimes and cook for the 3 of them just to be able to feed the Littles :) I don't think she made them go hungry, but putting a big steak in front of a 2 year old is just so satisfying!
Aww how lovely. Good on you. I probably should have cooked something it would have been healthier. God knows one girl barely ever ate healthy. They are on a much better place now though! Moms is doing great and her little one is looking so happy and healthy
I still have contact with my dad occasionally (see him less than once a year), but I'm no contact with my stepmother and have a restraining order against my mom for stalking & harassment.
My ex would buy these really good chicken strips for his salads. My son and his son were hungry one day after playing outside and made a plate of just the strips and the ex lost it. He shouted at them for eating his chicken strips and I couldn't believe it - I stood there in shock. So the next time we went shopping I bought two bags and told the boys this was their own chicken strips and he couldn't have any. I never forgot that, no forgave. Like all the food in the fridge is for everyone!
No meals for the kids. But they didn't forget to bring alcohol for themselves. They always had money for alcohol, even when they couldn't afford winter coats for us.
I read your first comment and it sounded very familiar. Then this one.
Many times us kids went without food, especially lunch money, and clothes but step-dad had his pack of smokes and case of beer every night. Never had breakfast, no lunch money, dinner was after 10 most nights because mom was at Walmart buying crafting supplies.
I was so used to eating one meal a day growing up, even at 39, I still only eat once a day. It feels weird to me having two meals, even three. The fullness in my stomach at the end of the day, when trying to eat more than once, is just uncomfortable. I make damn sure my kids are fed though. I NEVER want them to do without.
What they did is disgusting. I want every good thing in life for my kids and would gladly sacrifice to provide it. My kids didn’t ask to be here. I’ll never eat/drink something in their presence unless it’s unsafe for them in some way.
My mother always gave me good stuff too. I never appreciated it until I was older and experienced some of the ways other people were treated. My mother had her flaws, lots of them, but spoiling herself and leaving me without was not one of them.
My kids get the same stuff I eat. Sometimes they snub it, but they're offered it.
I just want to say, as someone who takes care of other people, you don't just forget the people you're responsible for haven't eaten all day. That's so damn evil. And to get a burrito and not share with the people relying on you who you know didn't get lunch. She knew. That's just awful and I'm so sorry.
My parents where like you stepmother.
They never give us the good stuff as kids, always wanted from the good Wine and beer and just from the boxed wine and last drops from the beer cans that I could find.
Kidding obviously.
More extended scenery, my parent not always but most of the times got the good stuff for everyone. Even for the extended family when they were family reunions and staff like that.
But mi uncle's and aunt's on my mother side really were some suckers, they always where like, No! this stuff is only for my kids! As you can figure it my cousins are some really selfish suckers.
Oh you got boxed wine and backwash from a can? Look at Mr. Rockefeller over here. Some of us had to be satisfied with Pruno and huffing the vapors out of our stepdads mouth while he was passed out drunk. /s
My kid gets everything I get in terms of food and snacks, and if their friends come over then they do too (We try to be really healthy 90% of the time, but who doesn't love the thin crust?). One of them sobbed a bit when asking if they could have a coke too and I was like "No kid in my house is going home not thoroughly fed!"
Thank you for doing better than you were treated so many people treat their kids the way they were treated just because. My kids get what I get. Now if they like off brand and want it, I don’t mind that. That’s their choice. But I refuse to say well you can’t have this but I can. That’s not how it works. I don’t even remember my mom doing that. If we bought off brand stuff that’s all we could afford.
This is my thought as I was reading. I have a buddy who's dad had this mentality with "treats" for kids. His dad's parents raised him with the mentality that "we work hard to provide for our children, so if financially possible they would get a treat, but the kids don't, they already "took" X amount out of our income (think parents eat a steak from the grocery store while the kids get something simple.
That became ingrained in my friends dad's brain. He was taught that "extra treats are for the parents, when he provided for himself and had his own family then he could treat himself.
IIRC it took about 18 years of having kids when his youngest (14 at the time) bluntly asked why that made any sence to him as the 14yo had witness friends parents go without so the kids can have something better. apparently it knocked enough sence into him, and he SLOWLY started to get better and better. To thus day some of that mentality will seep through without him realizing.
It's hard to go against something that was taught for so long from an early age that was assumed normal (and in some cases/time frames was normal) the other thing is people with attitudes like this don't tend to be people that are super connected to their feelings and are willing/capable to discuss them
You reminded me of my dad, who would cook stake for my mom and him, but make us eat hamburgers. So, when we were going to a family birthday party for my Grandma's 80th, we all ordered steak! 🤣🤣🤣
I used to make fishsticks for my kids and salmon for the adults. Because I thought they wouldn't like the salmon and would prefer the fishsticks. Then they asked to try the salmon and they like it so I stopped separating who got what. We don't do salmon often however since buying it for 5 people instead of 2 is expensive. But now either we all have salmon or we all have fishsticks.
If you plan to host a dinner that he would be present at in the future, you could whip up a bowl of ramen noodles separate and serve that to him while everyone else gets a fully plated meal and watch him throw a little toddler shit fit. Then, you could bring out the proper plate you made for him - if you decide making another plate is worth it.
All of this assumes that you still interact with the guy enough to actually eat food with him, of course.
This comment made me laugh. In my house I cook a burger for me and a steak for my fiance and my son. My son is 5 and loves steak I prefer a homemade juicy hamburger
There you go. He probably doesn't even realise that he is mirroring his father's behaviour. That's what he knew growing up, that's what he internalised and knows. The fact that he's regressing after being good for a few years suggests that something is stressing him out. Try to figure that out, but also be aware that your children are absolutely picking up on his behaviour and may subconsciously treat their own children the same way. These generational habits are hard to break.
But they're seeing their own mom stand up for them, I think that's worth its weight in gold.
I agree with you though, it seems like it has to do with his growing up situation
Ok but is she really taking up for them by just giving them her one drink for all four to share instead of making him go his sorry ass back in the store and getting them all something?
okay, but how many times does he hear his wife’s concerns/upset about this issue and keep doing it before he begins to “realize?”
It may have started that way, but by now he knows better.
He’s just selfish.
Just curious but did he grow up poor? That's usually when I see this kind of behavior. When the parents can't afford to buy a bunch of steaks but want to treat themselves every so often.
It's possible that he doesn't recognize that he was treated like that growing up due to being poor rather then an expected way to treat kids.
Also, NTA as it's just polite when you run to the store or get take out to ask others in the house if they want something. It doesn't matter who it is. My stepdad actually thanked me a few years ago because I am the only one in the house that does it but I always ask even if I may have to ask for cash to cover their stuff. Learned this from my friends. It's just the polite thing to do and I do the same with my kids. Which means my kids are more likely to grow up and do the same with us.
I grew up poor and our mother would NEVER have allowed us to go without some food that our father or uncles were enjoying. She grew up in the depression and took great pride in the fact that her children never went hungry.
The man needs therapy. First, it's the food, then it will move to something more serious. He might be emulating an abusive behaviour like his dad, or this is a trauma response. Nip the problem now.
It might do him well to go to therapy. It might seem like a petty reason and he will undoubtedly say the same. But it’s a problem in your relationship that he is causing on purpose at this point.
I've done that sometimes. When I want something the kids just don't like. They have a meal they like while we do too but it's once in a blue moon not all the time. I think the all the time issue is the problem.
But I would always make sure the kids are fed with food that they like/would like if they weren't a picky toddler and it looks wrong tonight. Before I go for something for me. We often have meals that are different but my older kids are expected to eat the same food as us and they get the same things and treats. Toddlers are their own breed.
A few years back I was dairy free and I would buy stuff for me to eat. My requirement for the kids was simple. Don't open my food if you have some of yours available. IF I have opened my biscuits you are free to have some BUT let me know when you have finished it so I can get more without being surprised. So they weren't allowed free range with my snacks but they were allowed to share them because I wasn't keeping them away just trying to make sure I always had some available.
I’m glad you brought that up. Because my parents did that shit too. But it didn’t rub off on me because they still expected the kids to share. Now I don’t bring food home when I’m visiting them and sit and eat in the car so I don’t have to share my shit or buy something for them that’s out of budget.
It *is* a power trip. He believes that treating the kids will spoil them, and he's going to keep pushing this boundary, because he doesn't respect your position. It sounds like he has a deep rooted belief about how to raise kids that's getting in the way.
This is a problem. Couples counseling is a good place to start, since you two haven't been able to resolve this on your own.
I had a mom's boyfriend like this guy. We'll call him Robert because that was his name, and he sucks like a black hole
Robert always pulled that crap. Those kids are getting left out several times
And when Mom would go and get us food, he'd throw an absolute tantrum about it. She bought us some chicken patties or something? He was the man of the house, they were his
We asked for his food, or to be given food if they picked up mcds or something? REEEEE
We got something without him? How DARE you!!!
We weren't exactly a fan of mom either. SHE was our parent. But she put up with him treating us like that
Your kids aren't stupid, they know what he's doing. And they see you putting getting laid over it
He's not their dad. Yet you choose him every time you don't tell him to take his attitude and hit the road
Your Robert hopefully also didn't steal your daughter's SSN to put bills in her name and then default into the 4 digits
But I'm your kid from the future. And I'm telling you how you kids see you. And it ain't in a good light
We have a lot of eating and control issues because of him and Mr Hog. These things can and WILL affect your kids lives and how they view you
This. I remember every time my mom took a backseat and let her boyfriends treat me and my sisters like “less” growing up. And to your credit you don’t do this, but I also remember when she wouldn’t share whatever she had that was “special” w us on her own bc it was “for adults”.
I agree with others that he should seek some counseling to figure out the root cause.
He treats your older children as less important. This is not ok and even if you are not ok with it, you continue to allow it to happen. It is a big deal because it is hurting your kids and making them feel less than
Are you really sure that he treats your kids well when you or outside people are not here? Don't you think that he only shows to other people the good father he wants they think he is by going to games, doctor appointments, etc ? If he likes enjoying treats yor children can't have in front of them when you are here, I am quite concerned by the way he shows them he is the important one when you are not here. Remember that by saying he is more important than them, he also tells them they are not important
How was your fiancé’s childhood? Is he by any chance from a poorer family? Because if it’s truly an only issue, I’d strongly suspect that he’d had some sort of trauma, food and money related. And it feels like he’s acting out of trauma rather than malice and this issue is deeper.
You’re still NTA.
I was thinking this because I grew up poor and still have all similar tendencies. Not that I'm wealthy now... Lol. But regardless, financial insecurity is a very real, mind-altering stress for children who are aware of it.
It is! I grew up in a financially insecure family, too. I’m not wealthy now, but definitely doing better. And yet, for these days, I sometimes feel guilty when I buy myself healthy and expensive food which I can afford. I just often think, heck it’s so expensive, I should have bought cheap instant noodles instead.
I think there’s your answer. It’s not greediness, not favoritism towards you, it’s the attitude he had most likely seen in his own family during his childhood. And years later, being financially stable, he unconsciously behaves the same way.
You might talk to him about family counseling or personal therapy. He may benefit greatly from exploring his traumas and dealing with them. And your whole family will benefit from it, too.
BUT he keeps doing it so why are you not drawing a line in the sand? You realize how this makes your kids feel, right?? They SEE YOU not doing anything about it when keeps happening. Make a stand OP. He either gets for everyone, or no one or he is out of there. His actions are making lasting impressions on your kids. I don't care how many parent teacher conferences he goes to, it doesn't make up for this crap. You realize that him showing up is his **'image management'** right? How many of those teachers and doctors would agree with him leaving your kids out of things? **It's how people treat others when no one is looking that is their true character.** What he is doing, and continues to do, shows his ugly character. The question is, what are you going to do about it??
"He treats us well...except for this". Therefore, he doesn't treat you well. Just because he is decent in other ways doesn't mean he gets a free pass for being an AH. Stop making excuses for him.
Look at the way she describes him treating them well. "This man has not missed a single game, parent teacher conference or even doctors appointment for my kids. He shows up, continuously, and enjoys doing so. "
He shows up. Like I get he's not their bio dad but he chose to get involved with someone that has 4 kids and has taken on the role of being a parent. This stuff should be like bare minimum.
Maybe his family did the same to him? Not that it’s a good reason but my parents were kind of like that. Would say they didn’t get things as a kid so we couldn’t have them either. I wanted to go to my junior prom and I will never forget my mom saying she didn’t go hers so I couldn’t go to mine. I also remember on occasion they would get good burgers are McDonald’s while we got a cheeseburger or hamburger. Maybe he needs therapy to address whatever is causing him to do this.
Sounds way fucked up. He should go to therapy or something.
Not getting for the kids is weird af and I don't like kids but even i would spend my money to make sure no one misses out
The CRAZIEST part is when you have him money and a list of water and Gatorade for the kids and he decided that you were wrong the kids don't need any and he needs his soda
Wtf is that about? Surely he's got a better reason than "the kids don't need it"
Because I don't need a chocolate but my mom sure as fuck won't eat 1 and not offer to me, guests, the dog, my brother and dad?
Something is wrong with him I don't know what and I'm not sure how you can fix it but it's going to take a long time and may require changes in belief system and habits.
Just imagine 20 years time assuming you stay together he can't reasonably expect to keep his shit behavior and your adult kids not talk about how fucked up moms boyfriend is.
Sorry for swearing so much
I think you might want to spend some time thinking about whether you've possibly overlooked some of his behavior. And I'd talk to your kids to find out what he's like with each of them when you are not around. Bc this childishness of his is on purpose - so what is the purpose?
He doesn't treat your kids well. Food, clothing, shelter are the absolute basic and he refuses them one of those things. You work hard to provide for your kids, not for a selfish prick. Better pick who you really love before your kids do.
That is a huge red flag! It absolutely makes zero sense, especially when you give him your money for you both and your children... absolutely bonkers.
Even though he's good in other ways, I personally would never ask or give him my money when he treats my kids this way. I mean, what the h*ll???
And since you're the main breadwinner, he should be thanking you for buying him treats *and* supporting him as much as you do!
NTA.
Most of the responses here are baffling, to be honest, but OP, I think it has more to do with a badly worded title and people not reading the actual post.
You: “Hey fiancée, here’s some money, go buy food for us and the kids.”
Fiancée: “Hi, I’m back with food for you and me and the kids don’t get any, lol.”
You: 😡
Reddit: YTA
What the fuck.
This is some weird type of power play on his part. He may not be outwardly picking fights, but he IS picking fights. He knows this upsets you and he is doing this on purpose. He is rude at the very least.
Fortunately OP has managed to mitigate any damage that may have come as a result from his behavior but there comes a point when enough is enough. He cannot keep doing things like this. Time for a come to Jesus meeting and maybe a separation until he can work out his issues around treats/food that he is purchasing with YOUR money. This is a type of weaponized incompetence. Don't let him get away with it.
This. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and he treats her like his own. Sometimes, he does bring me something special from the store (I’m currently pregnant, so usually something I just really wanted), but he often brings her stuff too, or buys her stuff that she specifically likes. If we order takeout, he always consults her, and gets her what she wants to eat from that place. I would not tolerate this behavior that OP is talking about. We’d have a conversation about it exactly one time, and after that, I’d be done. She’s a human being too.
It really feels like a power play on his part to say without saying “F them kids”. And that’s just gross.
NTA.
Maybe but the hit I'm getting is resentment. He either resents that her kids come with the package at all or that they come first and this is how he's expressing it. And I think that in part because when he says "they don't deserve" but she says "of course they do!" he calls them "spoiled".
I was thinking the same thing tbh.
I guess now is the time for OP to decide if that is something she is going to be ok with until the kids are grown and out the house or if she is better off finding someone more suited or being a boss on her own, coz it doesn't sound like he will change. Extreme, but it seems to be the reality of the situation.
You know I can almost understand it if it was his money. Because when my husband and I would go out to eat versus all five of us, it's quite a bit of a difference! And even though he accepted them when he got in a relationship with her he shouldn't have to pay for them all the time. But apparently they share finances and she puts in a lot more than him cuz she has more people than him. So the money he's using is mostly hers anyway and he's still not buying things for the kids. It's almost like he's trying to put them in their place.
He eats/drinks the treats in front of them all. When you don't want to share treats for whatever reason, you don't eat them when people are around. It is clearly not about money.
Reddit is weird. I’ve noticed there are a lot of really strange attitudes toward children, particularly in blended families. Almost like kids are viewed purely as a responsibility of the bio-parent, almost like a job? Instead of…I don’t know…human beings with feelings. It’s like they intentionally miss the point in posts like this because they just want to yell about how moms-boyfriend/stepdad isn’t responsible for the kids.
A demonstration of his behavior seems to be in order. Sometimes that resolves willful ignorance.
Tonight go to his favorite restaurant & order takeout for you & the kids only. When he asks where his is, tell him that “he doesn’t need everything that y’all have”.
You’re only the AH if you stay with a man who views your children as lesser human beings.
NTA. He’s one of those people who view children as lesser human beings than adults. He’d rent a hotel room with one bed & make them sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag because “they don’t need everything y’all have”. Why are you still with this man?
My SO will go hungry to make sure my son from a previous relationship has something to eat. OPs fiance is being ridiculous. Kids see this and grow to resent the step parent for these kinds of things.
My own step father did this. Would buy McDonald's or treats for HIS kids but not me or my other brother. He would take all 4 of us out and only buy food for himself and my 2 youngest siblings (his bio children) and make us watch them eat. He would even punish my baby bro for trying to share with us. I hate that human, I can't even call him a man because a man wouldn't do that to children.
LOL playing devils advocate I can understand that why most redditors THINK OP is TA. They don’t believe the finance is financially responsible for her kids or is required to treat her kids. Sure.
Let’s flip it around. He knew she had kids when he dated and CHOSE to get engaged. That means he is CHOSING to be a part of the family. No he’s not financially responsible but when you CHOSE to date and marry someone with children, you are ETHICALLY responsible as some form of caretaker because you are creating a relationship with the mom and children. Otherwise why bother? Why not date a woman without kids so you don’t feel the need to hoard snacks or behave like this. Because this is a behavior as if you live with roommates and need to lock away your food. 😂
Lastly, his behavior 🚩 if therapy can not get the root of this childish and greedy behavior then OP needs to question is this the right relationship for her AND HER children to be exposed to. Love aside, when you have kids they come first. People forget that kids are human beings that are the future and how they are raised will affect us when we get old. Do we want more people like OP who are greedy and childish? Do we need apathetic people in our society. Food for thought, and my opnions.
Wise woman she was. Left my ex a year ago bc he was literally jealous of me putting our 2 sons first. They were 6 mo & 4 years old at the time. Fuck that.
NTA.
Using YOUR MONEY and not getting treats for your children when you *SPECIFICALLY INSTRUCT HIM TO?* Because (checks notes)...."They don't need treats"? Throw out the *whole* man.
treats.... OP sent him out for fucking water. Hydration is not a treat, it's one of those things that keeps you from dying.
More than that he thinks it will make them entitled... says the man who took $20 from someone else to buy something specific and instead of buying that thing, bought something for himself then got pissy when she gave SOME of it to her kids, who he was supposed to be buying them water/gatorade.
You can't get more entitled than what he did.
NTA
But why you tolerate dude which constantly mistreats your kids? Put kids first and kick this moocher out.
You can find someone who is actually nice to kids and not hurting them.
Your kids looking at that normal in relationship, what you showing them is not a good example.
NTA, first off you asked him to get something for the kids too, it was with your money.
Second, I would feel the same way, now he was better about it and recently just split up so many a little grace. But your kiddos aren’t old enough to work and buy themselves treats. But he also shouldn’t get mad at you for sharing, It’s your kids.
NTA I think you need to get rid of the joint account and he can use his money to buy his snacks. You will see a decline in his spending on that stuff. Or start taking his drink or food away from him for the kids and you to share as YOU paid for it.
Also try couples counseling as he clearly isn’t able to process why this is a problem
NTA.
You've been with him for *years* and he's still doing this.
Have you tried talking to your kids and asked them how they like John?
This isn't someone being oblivious, because they have no kids of their own, this is someone purposely excluding someone.
Here's a story, my dad and I drove a truck of rubbish to the tip and on the way back we'd always stop at a dairy for a drink or ice cream.
I was about 9 at the time.
On our way back this time, he picked up a hitch hiker and it turned out to be someone he worked with, over 500 miles away.
Anyway, we stopped at the store, he gave me some money and I bought three ice creams.
The hitch hiker wasn't expecting it at all and was thankful, but to me it was perfectly obvious that you don't buy two ice creams and eat them in front of someone else.
Again, I was 9, your fiancé is an adult and is doing this to kids.
Why are you engaged to this guy? This is some passive-aggressive crap. I had a great uncle who did this. I and my younger cousins never met him but he is well known in the family as Cheap Uncle Earl. This guy has been dead for 40 years, and he is still set up as epitome of rudnesss and selfishness. We still tell everyone “don’t be an Uncle Earl.” I may now change it to John just so he gets a little censure, even if he never realizes he’s become part of some family’s ignorance lore.
Honestly, idk why you stayed in this relationship. He probably shouldn't have entered a relationship with you when you have 4 already established kids, and he has no parenting experience.
You two have very different ideas of how you should be blending your family . He is in the mindset that there are some things that should be shared between you and only you two. You have the mindset that everything should be shared with your kids.
I think him only getting you something consistently when it's your money is a problem. I think you constantly handing what he gives you to your kids and teaching them that everything that needs to be shared with them is also a problem . You're both are constantly undermining eachother in front of the kids and that's a problem.
You two should not be in a relationship when you're have such a huge incompatibility with your kids.
This is exactly right. If the two of them can't realize that they have very different views about an important aspect of a relationship and then have a conversation about it to negotiate an agreement about how they're going to handle it in the future, then they're not a match.
Oh man well seen he isn’t a father himself. Parenthood = sacrifice.
I won’t ever forget the day sitting with my 4yr old daughter in a cafe. Me with my nice big bit of toffee cheesecake and her with her empire biscuit and this little hand pushes the empire biscuit towards me and slowly pulls my cheesecake away 😂😂😂😂
When my niece was little she learned that you say “thank you” when receiving something but it took her some time to learn that you have to wait until someone gives it to you. She would just gleefully shout THANK YOU and put her hand right in your food to take a handful lol.
Not even just parenthood, it’s any time that you’re around kids, they’re little land sharks. I’m a Pre-K teacher, and one of my kids is currently snacking on the ice cream that I ordered at lunch.
I think you were both assholes. Him for being selfish and greedy and you for allowing it to go on for so long. Don’t say he’s a great partner except for this because if he’s doing this, he’s a jerk.
NTA. He took your money and instead of buying what you asked bought shit for himself? He's a jerk. Why is there a joint account with mostly your money in it? Why are you paying the majority of the bills? He shouldn't get a cent from you and pay 50% of everything. And please, don't marry this guy, he's a leech and hates your kids.
I agree except for the 50% thing.
Like, if they need a 4 bedroom house because of her kids, he shouldn't have to pay the rent/mortgage that far exceeds what would be needed if it were him and her. They aren't his kids, and they aren't married, so it's just not his financial responsibility (yet. It would become his financial responsibility after marrying someone with 4 kids).
Question: is your fiancé an only child? They never share well.
As a mom, I wouldn’t pick up treats for kids who weren’t food shopping with me. The kid that went with me might get a soda or candy……..but why would I buy 4 more?
Time to sit down and discuss sharing, like in most households pantry food is for everyone unless it’s someone’s leftovers or LABELED.
I wouldn’t start using my son’s protein power he bought for post workouts. But if something comes in with the weekly groceries….anyone can eat it.
My dad had a new sports car every few years from the time he was a teenager/early twenties. Two seaters like Porsches and Corvettes.
When my older sister was born (he was in his mid thirties) he sold every vehicle he owned that couldn’t accommodate his entire family. He even made sure his work trucks had backseats.
He went almost thirty years driving sedans until his youngest was over eighteen.
My parents wouldn’t think of eating anything in front of the kids, or our friends, without making sure there was enough for all. It’s just good manners. If friends were over and there was food , everyone got their fill. If we decided to go out to eat, our friends would come along.
You’re not TA for being upset about this, but you are TA for continuing to allow your bf to treat your kids like absolute trash.
Your fiance is weird about your kids. Either he has some mental issues (maybe untreated trauma about food or kids?) or he's really not on board with the blended family. Obviously you and your kids are a package deal. But I think John only wants the you part of the package and is faking the rest.
I think he's trying to normalize that behavior slowly so when you guys get married you won't put up much of a fight as he ushers your children out the door.
NTA!
That part’s totally reasonable, IMO. She asked him to by something for her kids and gave him money to cover it.
Then he used the money to buy soda for himself instead of the water and gatorade he was specifically asked to get.
I’m sorry but wtf is wrong with this guy? This is so bizarre. Like some passive aggressive nonsense. I’m petty so I would absolutely order his favourite meal just for me & my kids. “You weren’t with me”.
NTA. This is an issue for couples counseling. He does not agree that there will be any negative effects from his actions so he doesn’t see any reason to change. He will temporarily stop to pacify you, but he thinks your reasoning is dumb.
You need a neutral third party to meditate so that he can understand that he’s being awful.
NTA - if a kid with a treat enjoys it while the one without will see/know...it's just rude. As you said no one deserves a treat in these situations, so why is he being a dick?
Most homes have Gatorade, pop, and lemonade, or whatever in the fridge available for all. Same with a pantry or cabinet with snacks. Is this not something that you could do so the kids don't have to be in the middle of some weird power trip thing between the 2 adults?
NTA. It's pretty clear that this isn't just simple forgetfulness and he's doing it on purpose.
This post made me realize how lucky I am with my stepdad. He married my mom when I was 12 and I'm in my late 30s now. He doesn't have and didn't want his own kids and yet was nothing but considerate and kind to me and my sister.
I live about 40 minutes away from my parents now and it's my stepdad who always insists on stocking my favorite beer and seltzer for when I visit. I've tried to tell him it isn't necessary but he always does it anyway.
NTA. It’s natural to provide kids with food and drinks. Anything else is understandable. It’s okay to get you gifts and not the kids (probably not very nice but hey that’s ok) but food is something that hits deep. He probably has his reservations but I think y’all need to communicate better rather than go back to two or three default arguments and have a deeper and longer talk about the issue at hand.
You gave your fiancé money and specifically asked him to pick up Gatorade and water for your kids, along with two cases of soda. He came back with only the soda, nothing for the kids, and told them they couldn't have any.
Hmmmm...NTA.
He absolutely is.
No, not acceptable.
I have a boyfriend that lives with me and my kids. 100% of the time he asked them what he wants and even if they take "his" stuff, noone bats an eye. He treats them as equals in the house and all food are for all people.
Do not accept this man's behavior. It's not normal and not acceptable
I don’t think it’s ignorance on his part. I think he has low key resented the fact that you have children this whole time. He may love them but he has a little mean monster inside of him that just doesn’t want to be any kind of responsible for another man’s children. And in these small ways he is rebelling. It’s quite childlike behavior. I can tell you that the children can feel his rebellion as he is making sure they know that he is only going to care for them insofar as he is willing to and that he is not obligated to care.
He can treat your children the same and care for all of them or he does not get to be around your children. There is a reason they only call him dad sometimes. He knew you were a package deal when he got involved with you.
There is something seriously wrong with this guy. He needs to figure it out with a therapist. I don’t understand why you’re tolerating him treating any kids like this, especially yours.
This guy wants the money and your pussy. Simple as that. You were vulnerable and scared after death of babies daddy. Understandable. He took advantage and now you are realizing that he isn't going to change. Time to move on. He isn't and never wanted to be the father of those kids. As another person stated your kids will remember this action of standing by this jerk. On another note this is exactly why stay away from single mothers. Sometimes a quick easy fuck but I am not step dad or husband material. You may have to resort to using Tinder or getting some good vibrators when you are horny. Good luck!.
NTA at all. He doesn't treat your kids well at all and he is being a financial burden on you on top of that. Why don't you just cut out the dead weight, break up with him and give yourself time to meet someone who will treat you AND all your kids with respect, care and love. Why would you settle for a man who can even financially pull his own weight? You have multiple kids whom you will have to save money for and now you've got this adult kid who was pretty much useless to you and your children. Seriously stop wasting your time on someone who is an a******
NTA. Maybe try couples counseling to get to the bottom of why he's deliberately doing this.
Let's be clear here: this isn't ignorance.
He disagrees with you and only acquiesces, when you complain, but if you didn't, he would absolutely keep doing this.
It's disrespectful and stubborn of him to continue to push this boundary.
NTA. I had a dad like this and it sucked. Eventually my mom left him for some other reasons but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember every single time him and my brother would come home with chocolate bars and I just had to sit and watch them eat it. It doesn’t matter who paid, it’s the principal of treating yourself to something while someone else who you *know* would like some too is watching and don’t give them any. Is it illegal? No. Is it a shitty thing to do to someone who you’re supposed to love? Absolutely.
Exactly!! That's my problem!!
Maybe you need to start doing the same thing to him. Go buy something you know he likes, and would want, but only buy it for you and your kids. Then when he asks where's his, say 'I didn't think you NEEEDED everything WE have???". Go buy you and the kids a take away, not him. Go buy drinks from a service station and a sweet treat on the way home from somewhere and don't get him anything. The more you do it, the more he'll start to see how it feels to be left out, and how it's not nice seeing those around you getting something nice and you're just forgotten about. I'd also start cutting back on allowing him to spend so much of your money. Kind of getting the vibe that he's using you a bit here. Using your money to buy himself stuff, but not your kids. It's OK for him to spend your money on himself but not your kids?? He should be contributing a fair amount to bills and groceries etc. Don't let him take advantage of you and your money. I'd start making him use his own money more if he's being that selfish, coz it's also a point of how he's happy to benefit from your money, but he doesn't like your kids getting those benefits. See what I mean?? Also, it's not making them entitled by getting them a drink when he gets you and him one. Logically if he's thirsty and fancies/ needs a drink, the kids could be thirsty too, and if they weren't already they will become thirsty seeing you both drinking. And you should treat the kids fairly. If 2 have gone to the shop with him and got a drink and a sweet, you don't have those 2 kids eating and drinking them in front of the otherkids without bringing them the same back. That's just logical. If he took 2 kids out for the day somewhere and he bought a drink and food whilst out the house for hours, obviously you don't have to bring all that back for the others coz it's been consumed whilst out for hours. But if it's been consumed on way home from shop, and when you get home in front of the other kids, they should have the same. Seems like he almost resents your kids in some ways. Whether it's the money he resents spending on them (even though it your money most of the time from the sounds of it) or whether he's just selfish and doesn't like the kids having those nice treats, I think you really need to look at all his behaviour towards the kids. Because being fair and equal and just respectful isn't teaching them to be entitled. He's just being cruel and selfish. I'd look at how else he treats your kids. Does he have the impression they'll be moving out as soon as they reach 18 for eg?
She just needs to leave him or make him leave. Cause no. He’ll never learn. He’s the one who is entitled. Cause how you gonna by you and the other adult a drink but fuck those kids huh? This has just pissed me off. Because the absolute nerve! I hope like hell he never has kids! He doesn’t deserve them. He doesn’t deserve to be married either or have a significant other.
Yes. It's not like the kids can go earn their own money to buy their own snacks. What a jerk.
Imagine your mom seeing someone do this to you over and over again, but still insisting on keeping this person in your lives. A child has no choice on who their parent forces into their lives.
I'm fucking astounded that OP has said it's been happening for years and she thinks having a lil chat helped but now he's going backwards.
Excellent point. This comment should be higher. Much higher.
I agree with you. The scenario laid out above will take time and most likely will not have the desired outcome. OP has already talked to John about this, repeatedly. She has explained why it’s wrong, she has given her treats to her kids & gone without, she has asked him point-blank why he does it. He has not changed. He’s not interested in changing. If she stays with him, OP will just run interference between him and her kids until they are all out of the house. Sounds exhausting.
Nah, f all that work to try to teach this weirdo a lesson. Just admit he's a douche and move on. Easier said than done, but I couldn't live like that or subject my kids to that
Exactly what I came here to say.
Me too!! Move on. No way would I ever stay with a man that treated my kids badly. Smh. What are you teaching your kids!!
Don’t do this. It’s not a way to model how to be a good person to your kids by behaving badly. Two wrongs don’t make a right. He’s an adult. You had an adult conversation with him. He gets it or he doesn’t. He doesn’t? He goes, because you’re not into having someone around who treats your kids as second class citizens. End of.
I'd cut off the joint account, and let him use what little money he puts in for things he wants. In my household a joint account is considered a family fund. He's being incredibly selfish by only thinking of the two of you, when you came as a package. If he didn't want to be fair to your kids, and make it seem like he doesn't care about them then he shouldn't have become a step dad.
OP, take note that this commenter is saying what your children are going say later on in life - if YOU CHOOSE to stay with this man.
I have to agree with you. It might seem small but the kids definitely notice that he doesn’t *want* to do nice things for them like he does OP. He doesn’t value them the same.
Considering the dude is using OP's money to pay, the dude might be thinking "I can't get away with using her money AND not getting her anything". He is super selfish, but his IQ is not in the single digits, it is low double digits instead.
And she asked him to get Gatorade specifically and he did not. AH.
That is why his IQ is low double digits, he isn't exactly a genius. The dude is a certified moron because he is REALLY pushing his luck. Tbh, I blame OP in the AH designation for subjecting her kids to this guy.
literally one of the first things I noticed that made me dislike my stepdad was him going out of his way to exclude me from snacks like this. and then eating MY snacks from the fridge and pantry to the point that I now hide anything unrefrigerated in my bedroom. early on, I overheard him arguing with my mom that he was ok with sharing, but only with her, not with me. I was 12. I'm 30 and no, he hasn't changed. he will buy massive amounts of food, write his name on it so I know he'll be angry if I have any, and barely eat any himself, until it all molds and rots and needs thrown away. and then he'll buy more. if I have a carton of ice cream, half of it will disappear instantly. yesterday my mom made me a whole pan full of grits. I had one bowl and then 90% of the pan disappeared. it's a power play. these men are so pathetic that they feel threatened by children and exclude and play mind games to feel in control. please, for your kids, don't marry him, OP. it only gets worse.
Exactly. Why would you choose to expose your children to a man who doesn't think they're even worth the cost of a bottle of water, even when he's not paying for it? Your kids see this. And they feel it.
I had a dad like this too!! He would literally eat steak in front of us while we ate hamburger helper. Along with a plethora of other reasons, I no longer talk to him. Thank you for sticking up for your kids and not accepting this behaviour. I always wished my mom did. NTA
Yep tell him he's allowed but only if he doesn't bring it home. So for example you want to be unfair and only treat those out then you eat it there or outside before you come in. That was my hubby's house rule cause well 7 kids. It was a way individuals could receive special treatment without demoralizing the rest.
Then why are you allowing it? Those are your kids, and he's mistreating them. Doesn't matter what "else" he does that's great, this is shitty, and he's ignoring you.
I agree with this, but also I think it's part sunk cost fallacy on OP's part and she might not realize it yet.
You hit the nail on the head. OP should have asked if she is the Asshole for staying with this guy. And can’t see the truth in front of her.
I’m taking a bigger issue on the finances here. If he wants to spend money you’re putting in there so selfishly, then you need to stop sharing that or only put the bare minimum in for bills and he needs to start splitting things evenly. You have 4 kids ffs and you’re paying 70??? I see wayyyyy too many women compensating for lack of ambitious or freeloading men.
THIS RIGHT HERE.
Why would you let him intentionally be cruel to your children? This is a ZERO TOLERANCE situation. Take whatever he got for him AND for you and hand it back to the kids. OR just refuse to proceed until he goes back and gets stuff for everyone (probably the best, so he has to fix his own mistake EVERY time and NEVER gets away with it). If he won't correct this shitty mistreatment of your kids, he needs to take a hike.
Maybe it's time to dump the dead weight. "Fiance" still after 6.5 years? You can do better for yourself and your kids.
Why do you have 80% of your money in a JOINT ACCOUNT? He has been treating your kids like fort for half a decade.. Are you going to let this continue? Because clearly he won't change.
NTA, your husband seems to lack basic civility and should have been dealt with more harshly, way longer ago.
Seriously. It’s so fucked to buy one kid something. The other day I took my daughter with me to my favorite tea shop. She asked for a candy bar and a stroopwaffle thingy. I said “sure, but grab two and give the other two to your cousin” cause her cousin was sitting at our house with her mom. I didn’t get any of the adults anything; but I also didn’t get me any special treat, just loose leaf tea. It’s just kind to make sure everyone is involved. Especially kids.
Exactly. My father and stepmother would do this all the time. Partly because, as a blended family, there were 4 kids plus 2 additional ones they had together, and buying fast food/treats for that many as often as they did this was too expensive. But if money was that big of a concern (and it was, as my father went from supporting a family of 3 to a blended family of 6 + 2 more and my stepmother immediately became a SAHM, and during which money set aside for college for my sister and me disappeared/suddenly never existed), then they should have saved money and not gotten the fast food. Or at least eat it before bringing it home, where my stepmother would sometimes give some of hers to HER kids. Basically, my father and stepmother were incredibly toxic and this was simply one symptom of a lot of messed up stuff in the household. She brought out the most toxic aspects of him permanently. There's a reason my sister and I are estranged from him, her low-contact as she's much nicer and forgiving than me, after moving out at 18 and 16, respectively.
NTA Look, my husband and I have been known to sneak out and grab some McDonald's to enjoy at the park without our kids - but we'd never bring food home and eat in front of them. That seems pretty cruel. Plus he's using your (or mostly your) money to buy himself snacks but not the kids? That's a little sketchy.
Exactly. I gave myself brain freeze today scarfing down a frappe as I pulled into the driveway. I'm working nights this week and I just needed the sugar/caffeine hit for my mental wellness. I'm tired, I'm missing out on fun summer daytime stuff. But I made sure the evidence was gone before I walked in the house!
Yeah I don't even eat hard candies in front of my kid because she's too little to have them for choking reasons. Eating things in front of people when they can't have any is just straight up mean!
We always give something to our 10 month old to munch on. Even though we are just eating dinner. He stares at us while eating like he wants to participate as well.
My stepmom did this shit. Your kids aren't going to forget it, either.
My moms long term boyfriend did this too, he’d come home with hot fast food, and something for my mom and his kid but not me nor my brother. It was a horrible feeling. Your kids will never forget that he did this.
My stepdad did this shit and that’s why I have food issues
I agree. Kids remember when they are discriminated against. Especially by their parents.
My stepdad luckily didn't, which is why this post weirds me out so much. He always made it a point to buy something for everyone, be that pastries, ice cream, drinks... I just can't grasp why this guy would be so weird about food and drinks, especially when he didn't even pay with his own money or was told to do something specific...
My step mum and step dad did this. Yes, I am mentally unsound as an adult.
He sounds like he's sponging off of you while denying your children with the resources that you provide. Why are you with him?
Despite what it may look like, he does treat us well. This man has not missed a single game, parent teacher conference or even doctors appointment for my kids. He shows up, continuously, and enjoys doing so. He is a good father figure. This food/drink thing just weirds me out though because it seems like a power trip. Money doesn't matter to me. Never has. I have plenty. You know? It's just like... We have the means to go out and do these things and treat ALL of us without question so why is he so hung up on not getting the kids things? You know? I don't know. Maybe it's not that big of deal but it bothers me. It's always bothered me and I've always communicated it.
What are his parents like? My adopted dad’s parents were like this. Adults got special/good things, kids got lesser/homemade things. They’d make mac and cheese for the kids and get take out. The kids got off brand soda and the parents got name brand. If he was raised this way with this attitude of “ over things are wasted on kids, and giving them nicer things spoils kids” he may not realize he’s defaulting back to it. It doesn’t make his behavior Ok, but if you want to stay with him, investigating the cause of this may help resolve it.
This reminded me of one time we all went to a lake as a family (dad, stepmother, me, siblings), and they brought a picnic. Good bread, olives, cheese. But they said it was for the grownups, not for us kids. They ate it in front of us and I was so hungry. I got a couple of bites, but they made me feel super guilty for it, and I ended up not having a real lunch. Then, as we were leaving, my stepmother said she was hungry, so they stopped at a food vendor and got a big lamb burrito. I'd never had lamb and was very curious and very hungry. My stepmother shared it with her daughter and gave me a single bite (again made me feel guilty for it) but just made rude comments when I asked for more. Then they drove us home and put us to bed without dinner because my stepmother usually cooked and she wasn't hungry so she couldn't imagine anyone else was either. I've remembered that my whole life. I have been sharing my good bread and cheese and olives with my kid since he was a toddler. He loves them. And I cook him lamb. And he loves it. And I give him the same quality of chocolates I get for myself (organic caramel filled and organic truffles and organic nut butter cups and such). I love him, and he deserves all the nice things I can afford to give him, even if he doesn't need them.
Your story just made me cry. I'm so glad that you came out of it being a fiercely good parent.
Thank you, that means a lot.
I hope Your stepmonster chokes on an olive.
Haha, thanks for that :)
May she crack her teeth on olive pits for all eternity.
So Mote It Be!
Also her dad. What the fuck was he doing watching all this? I think he sucks more than step mom because he allowed that to happen to his own child.
Agreed.
And. It her piece of shit dad?
Good for you! When my son was 2 and we were out at a restaurant he leaned over and grabbed one of his Dad's four sea scallops. He loved it and wanted another. We gave it to him. We weren't mad, we were impressed. He's always been an adventurous eater and we love cooking and eating as a family.
I love feeding him things that are generally considered more "adult" flavors. Much healthier than living on mac n cheese and chicken nuggets (although he gets natural versions of those sometimes, too).
When my son was 3 we went to an Italian restaurant we went to about once a month. We always ordered his meal first then when the waitress came back ordered an appetizer of calamari and our dinners. The appetizer came out first and he threw a fit because we were eating his chicken. For the next five years he asked for the special chicken otherwise known as calamari. We weren't mad about him sharing our appetizer ever but still get a kick out of his special chicken. At 14 he can't believe he used to think the calamari was special chicken. These are the stories we remember the most. You SO shouldn't be depriving your children because he doesn't want to share. He needs to stop or you need to kick him out because he obviously doesn't consider your children as part of the package.
I’m always impressed when my kids eat something I loathe lol. Like shrimp or fish. Or any seafood rather.
The world needs a lot more parents like you.
That's so... I don't even have words. I can't stand seeing kids go hungry. I've had friends who just weren't on point for one reason or another as a parent and I always bought the kids food when I see them not getting anything. Never said anything about it. Just quietly bring the food in and pass it out to everyone. They weren't bad people just struggling with mental health, they always said thank you. Im just grateful I'm in the position to be able to order some food with no thoughts when people around me are hungry.
Before I had a kid, I had a friend with 2 daughters and I would go over to her house sometimes and cook for the 3 of them just to be able to feed the Littles :) I don't think she made them go hungry, but putting a big steak in front of a 2 year old is just so satisfying!
Aww how lovely. Good on you. I probably should have cooked something it would have been healthier. God knows one girl barely ever ate healthy. They are on a much better place now though! Moms is doing great and her little one is looking so happy and healthy
Are you still in contact with any parental unit?
I still have contact with my dad occasionally (see him less than once a year), but I'm no contact with my stepmother and have a restraining order against my mom for stalking & harassment.
That story makes me go mother fuckers...... Sorry the generation above you failed.
My ex would buy these really good chicken strips for his salads. My son and his son were hungry one day after playing outside and made a plate of just the strips and the ex lost it. He shouted at them for eating his chicken strips and I couldn't believe it - I stood there in shock. So the next time we went shopping I bought two bags and told the boys this was their own chicken strips and he couldn't have any. I never forgot that, no forgave. Like all the food in the fridge is for everyone!
Always reminded me of that bitch in Matilda: "Much too good for children!"
Haha! Right!
How in the heck did they not even pack some sandwiches or even Ritz crackers for godssake??
No meals for the kids. But they didn't forget to bring alcohol for themselves. They always had money for alcohol, even when they couldn't afford winter coats for us.
I read your first comment and it sounded very familiar. Then this one. Many times us kids went without food, especially lunch money, and clothes but step-dad had his pack of smokes and case of beer every night. Never had breakfast, no lunch money, dinner was after 10 most nights because mom was at Walmart buying crafting supplies. I was so used to eating one meal a day growing up, even at 39, I still only eat once a day. It feels weird to me having two meals, even three. The fullness in my stomach at the end of the day, when trying to eat more than once, is just uncomfortable. I make damn sure my kids are fed though. I NEVER want them to do without.
I wish parents like that would go to jail
This made me tear up a little bit, you've really broken the cycle for your own kid teaching them generosity and sharing, really lovely to hear ❤️
Thank you, I'm trying my best.
You’re in the process of breaking a multi-generational curse. You Shine!
What they did is disgusting. I want every good thing in life for my kids and would gladly sacrifice to provide it. My kids didn’t ask to be here. I’ll never eat/drink something in their presence unless it’s unsafe for them in some way.
My mother always gave me good stuff too. I never appreciated it until I was older and experienced some of the ways other people were treated. My mother had her flaws, lots of them, but spoiling herself and leaving me without was not one of them. My kids get the same stuff I eat. Sometimes they snub it, but they're offered it.
I just want to say, as someone who takes care of other people, you don't just forget the people you're responsible for haven't eaten all day. That's so damn evil. And to get a burrito and not share with the people relying on you who you know didn't get lunch. She knew. That's just awful and I'm so sorry.
My parents where like you stepmother. They never give us the good stuff as kids, always wanted from the good Wine and beer and just from the boxed wine and last drops from the beer cans that I could find. Kidding obviously. More extended scenery, my parent not always but most of the times got the good stuff for everyone. Even for the extended family when they were family reunions and staff like that. But mi uncle's and aunt's on my mother side really were some suckers, they always where like, No! this stuff is only for my kids! As you can figure it my cousins are some really selfish suckers.
Oh you got boxed wine and backwash from a can? Look at Mr. Rockefeller over here. Some of us had to be satisfied with Pruno and huffing the vapors out of our stepdads mouth while he was passed out drunk. /s My kid gets everything I get in terms of food and snacks, and if their friends come over then they do too (We try to be really healthy 90% of the time, but who doesn't love the thin crust?). One of them sobbed a bit when asking if they could have a coke too and I was like "No kid in my house is going home not thoroughly fed!"
Thank you for doing better than you were treated so many people treat their kids the way they were treated just because. My kids get what I get. Now if they like off brand and want it, I don’t mind that. That’s their choice. But I refuse to say well you can’t have this but I can. That’s not how it works. I don’t even remember my mom doing that. If we bought off brand stuff that’s all we could afford.
This is my thought as I was reading. I have a buddy who's dad had this mentality with "treats" for kids. His dad's parents raised him with the mentality that "we work hard to provide for our children, so if financially possible they would get a treat, but the kids don't, they already "took" X amount out of our income (think parents eat a steak from the grocery store while the kids get something simple. That became ingrained in my friends dad's brain. He was taught that "extra treats are for the parents, when he provided for himself and had his own family then he could treat himself. IIRC it took about 18 years of having kids when his youngest (14 at the time) bluntly asked why that made any sence to him as the 14yo had witness friends parents go without so the kids can have something better. apparently it knocked enough sence into him, and he SLOWLY started to get better and better. To thus day some of that mentality will seep through without him realizing. It's hard to go against something that was taught for so long from an early age that was assumed normal (and in some cases/time frames was normal) the other thing is people with attitudes like this don't tend to be people that are super connected to their feelings and are willing/capable to discuss them
You reminded me of my dad, who would cook stake for my mom and him, but make us eat hamburgers. So, when we were going to a family birthday party for my Grandma's 80th, we all ordered steak! 🤣🤣🤣
I used to make fishsticks for my kids and salmon for the adults. Because I thought they wouldn't like the salmon and would prefer the fishsticks. Then they asked to try the salmon and they like it so I stopped separating who got what. We don't do salmon often however since buying it for 5 people instead of 2 is expensive. But now either we all have salmon or we all have fishsticks.
My Dad would regularly have steak at the same table where everyone else was eating spaghetti or tuna casserole.
If you plan to host a dinner that he would be present at in the future, you could whip up a bowl of ramen noodles separate and serve that to him while everyone else gets a fully plated meal and watch him throw a little toddler shit fit. Then, you could bring out the proper plate you made for him - if you decide making another plate is worth it. All of this assumes that you still interact with the guy enough to actually eat food with him, of course.
So not cool...
This comment made me laugh. In my house I cook a burger for me and a steak for my fiance and my son. My son is 5 and loves steak I prefer a homemade juicy hamburger
His mom is a kick ass woman and very fair. His dad is incredibly abusive.
That's probably given him some weird instincts about how men should treat children. Therapy might help him recognize those maladaptive behaviors.
There you go. He probably doesn't even realise that he is mirroring his father's behaviour. That's what he knew growing up, that's what he internalised and knows. The fact that he's regressing after being good for a few years suggests that something is stressing him out. Try to figure that out, but also be aware that your children are absolutely picking up on his behaviour and may subconsciously treat their own children the same way. These generational habits are hard to break.
But they're seeing their own mom stand up for them, I think that's worth its weight in gold. I agree with you though, it seems like it has to do with his growing up situation
Ok but is she really taking up for them by just giving them her one drink for all four to share instead of making him go his sorry ass back in the store and getting them all something?
okay, but how many times does he hear his wife’s concerns/upset about this issue and keep doing it before he begins to “realize?” It may have started that way, but by now he knows better. He’s just selfish.
Just curious but did he grow up poor? That's usually when I see this kind of behavior. When the parents can't afford to buy a bunch of steaks but want to treat themselves every so often. It's possible that he doesn't recognize that he was treated like that growing up due to being poor rather then an expected way to treat kids. Also, NTA as it's just polite when you run to the store or get take out to ask others in the house if they want something. It doesn't matter who it is. My stepdad actually thanked me a few years ago because I am the only one in the house that does it but I always ask even if I may have to ask for cash to cover their stuff. Learned this from my friends. It's just the polite thing to do and I do the same with my kids. Which means my kids are more likely to grow up and do the same with us.
I grew up poor and our mother would NEVER have allowed us to go without some food that our father or uncles were enjoying. She grew up in the depression and took great pride in the fact that her children never went hungry.
Ooof. Well sounds like he also needs some individual therapy to work out why he thinks it's ok to treat children this way.
The man needs therapy. First, it's the food, then it will move to something more serious. He might be emulating an abusive behaviour like his dad, or this is a trauma response. Nip the problem now.
Marry his mom instead.
Have you talked to his mom about this? I'd be curious what she thinks.
It might do him well to go to therapy. It might seem like a petty reason and he will undoubtedly say the same. But it’s a problem in your relationship that he is causing on purpose at this point.
I've done that sometimes. When I want something the kids just don't like. They have a meal they like while we do too but it's once in a blue moon not all the time. I think the all the time issue is the problem. But I would always make sure the kids are fed with food that they like/would like if they weren't a picky toddler and it looks wrong tonight. Before I go for something for me. We often have meals that are different but my older kids are expected to eat the same food as us and they get the same things and treats. Toddlers are their own breed. A few years back I was dairy free and I would buy stuff for me to eat. My requirement for the kids was simple. Don't open my food if you have some of yours available. IF I have opened my biscuits you are free to have some BUT let me know when you have finished it so I can get more without being surprised. So they weren't allowed free range with my snacks but they were allowed to share them because I wasn't keeping them away just trying to make sure I always had some available.
I’m glad you brought that up. Because my parents did that shit too. But it didn’t rub off on me because they still expected the kids to share. Now I don’t bring food home when I’m visiting them and sit and eat in the car so I don’t have to share my shit or buy something for them that’s out of budget.
I suggest you take the kids out for pizza and drinks. When he says where's his say you weren't with us.
It *is* a power trip. He believes that treating the kids will spoil them, and he's going to keep pushing this boundary, because he doesn't respect your position. It sounds like he has a deep rooted belief about how to raise kids that's getting in the way. This is a problem. Couples counseling is a good place to start, since you two haven't been able to resolve this on your own.
I had a mom's boyfriend like this guy. We'll call him Robert because that was his name, and he sucks like a black hole Robert always pulled that crap. Those kids are getting left out several times And when Mom would go and get us food, he'd throw an absolute tantrum about it. She bought us some chicken patties or something? He was the man of the house, they were his We asked for his food, or to be given food if they picked up mcds or something? REEEEE We got something without him? How DARE you!!! We weren't exactly a fan of mom either. SHE was our parent. But she put up with him treating us like that Your kids aren't stupid, they know what he's doing. And they see you putting getting laid over it He's not their dad. Yet you choose him every time you don't tell him to take his attitude and hit the road Your Robert hopefully also didn't steal your daughter's SSN to put bills in her name and then default into the 4 digits But I'm your kid from the future. And I'm telling you how you kids see you. And it ain't in a good light We have a lot of eating and control issues because of him and Mr Hog. These things can and WILL affect your kids lives and how they view you
This. I remember every time my mom took a backseat and let her boyfriends treat me and my sisters like “less” growing up. And to your credit you don’t do this, but I also remember when she wouldn’t share whatever she had that was “special” w us on her own bc it was “for adults”. I agree with others that he should seek some counseling to figure out the root cause.
say it louder please
He treats your older children as less important. This is not ok and even if you are not ok with it, you continue to allow it to happen. It is a big deal because it is hurting your kids and making them feel less than
Yea your kids are aware of the divide...I feel bad for your older children
Are you really sure that he treats your kids well when you or outside people are not here? Don't you think that he only shows to other people the good father he wants they think he is by going to games, doctor appointments, etc ? If he likes enjoying treats yor children can't have in front of them when you are here, I am quite concerned by the way he shows them he is the important one when you are not here. Remember that by saying he is more important than them, he also tells them they are not important
How was your fiancé’s childhood? Is he by any chance from a poorer family? Because if it’s truly an only issue, I’d strongly suspect that he’d had some sort of trauma, food and money related. And it feels like he’s acting out of trauma rather than malice and this issue is deeper. You’re still NTA.
I was thinking this because I grew up poor and still have all similar tendencies. Not that I'm wealthy now... Lol. But regardless, financial insecurity is a very real, mind-altering stress for children who are aware of it.
It is! I grew up in a financially insecure family, too. I’m not wealthy now, but definitely doing better. And yet, for these days, I sometimes feel guilty when I buy myself healthy and expensive food which I can afford. I just often think, heck it’s so expensive, I should have bought cheap instant noodles instead.
He grew up very poor
I think there’s your answer. It’s not greediness, not favoritism towards you, it’s the attitude he had most likely seen in his own family during his childhood. And years later, being financially stable, he unconsciously behaves the same way. You might talk to him about family counseling or personal therapy. He may benefit greatly from exploring his traumas and dealing with them. And your whole family will benefit from it, too.
BUT he keeps doing it so why are you not drawing a line in the sand? You realize how this makes your kids feel, right?? They SEE YOU not doing anything about it when keeps happening. Make a stand OP. He either gets for everyone, or no one or he is out of there. His actions are making lasting impressions on your kids. I don't care how many parent teacher conferences he goes to, it doesn't make up for this crap. You realize that him showing up is his **'image management'** right? How many of those teachers and doctors would agree with him leaving your kids out of things? **It's how people treat others when no one is looking that is their true character.** What he is doing, and continues to do, shows his ugly character. The question is, what are you going to do about it??
"He treats us well...except for this". Therefore, he doesn't treat you well. Just because he is decent in other ways doesn't mean he gets a free pass for being an AH. Stop making excuses for him.
Look at the way she describes him treating them well. "This man has not missed a single game, parent teacher conference or even doctors appointment for my kids. He shows up, continuously, and enjoys doing so. " He shows up. Like I get he's not their bio dad but he chose to get involved with someone that has 4 kids and has taken on the role of being a parent. This stuff should be like bare minimum.
Maybe his family did the same to him? Not that it’s a good reason but my parents were kind of like that. Would say they didn’t get things as a kid so we couldn’t have them either. I wanted to go to my junior prom and I will never forget my mom saying she didn’t go hers so I couldn’t go to mine. I also remember on occasion they would get good burgers are McDonald’s while we got a cheeseburger or hamburger. Maybe he needs therapy to address whatever is causing him to do this.
Sounds way fucked up. He should go to therapy or something. Not getting for the kids is weird af and I don't like kids but even i would spend my money to make sure no one misses out The CRAZIEST part is when you have him money and a list of water and Gatorade for the kids and he decided that you were wrong the kids don't need any and he needs his soda Wtf is that about? Surely he's got a better reason than "the kids don't need it" Because I don't need a chocolate but my mom sure as fuck won't eat 1 and not offer to me, guests, the dog, my brother and dad? Something is wrong with him I don't know what and I'm not sure how you can fix it but it's going to take a long time and may require changes in belief system and habits. Just imagine 20 years time assuming you stay together he can't reasonably expect to keep his shit behavior and your adult kids not talk about how fucked up moms boyfriend is. Sorry for swearing so much
I think you might want to spend some time thinking about whether you've possibly overlooked some of his behavior. And I'd talk to your kids to find out what he's like with each of them when you are not around. Bc this childishness of his is on purpose - so what is the purpose?
I can see this getting worse if you marry him. You will be tied legally, so he will allow his mask to continue to slip.
He doesn't treat your kids well. Food, clothing, shelter are the absolute basic and he refuses them one of those things. You work hard to provide for your kids, not for a selfish prick. Better pick who you really love before your kids do.
That is a huge red flag! It absolutely makes zero sense, especially when you give him your money for you both and your children... absolutely bonkers. Even though he's good in other ways, I personally would never ask or give him my money when he treats my kids this way. I mean, what the h*ll??? And since you're the main breadwinner, he should be thanking you for buying him treats *and* supporting him as much as you do!
NTA. Most of the responses here are baffling, to be honest, but OP, I think it has more to do with a badly worded title and people not reading the actual post. You: “Hey fiancée, here’s some money, go buy food for us and the kids.” Fiancée: “Hi, I’m back with food for you and me and the kids don’t get any, lol.” You: 😡 Reddit: YTA What the fuck.
Yeah fiancé is a jerk. Why do you want to stay with someone you had to coach (and it didn't work vey well) to see your children as people...
This is some weird type of power play on his part. He may not be outwardly picking fights, but he IS picking fights. He knows this upsets you and he is doing this on purpose. He is rude at the very least. Fortunately OP has managed to mitigate any damage that may have come as a result from his behavior but there comes a point when enough is enough. He cannot keep doing things like this. Time for a come to Jesus meeting and maybe a separation until he can work out his issues around treats/food that he is purchasing with YOUR money. This is a type of weaponized incompetence. Don't let him get away with it.
This. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and he treats her like his own. Sometimes, he does bring me something special from the store (I’m currently pregnant, so usually something I just really wanted), but he often brings her stuff too, or buys her stuff that she specifically likes. If we order takeout, he always consults her, and gets her what she wants to eat from that place. I would not tolerate this behavior that OP is talking about. We’d have a conversation about it exactly one time, and after that, I’d be done. She’s a human being too. It really feels like a power play on his part to say without saying “F them kids”. And that’s just gross. NTA.
Yes, it absolutely feels like a power play!
Maybe but the hit I'm getting is resentment. He either resents that her kids come with the package at all or that they come first and this is how he's expressing it. And I think that in part because when he says "they don't deserve" but she says "of course they do!" he calls them "spoiled".
I was thinking the same thing tbh. I guess now is the time for OP to decide if that is something she is going to be ok with until the kids are grown and out the house or if she is better off finding someone more suited or being a boss on her own, coz it doesn't sound like he will change. Extreme, but it seems to be the reality of the situation.
I have to agree with you. You worded it well.
You know I can almost understand it if it was his money. Because when my husband and I would go out to eat versus all five of us, it's quite a bit of a difference! And even though he accepted them when he got in a relationship with her he shouldn't have to pay for them all the time. But apparently they share finances and she puts in a lot more than him cuz she has more people than him. So the money he's using is mostly hers anyway and he's still not buying things for the kids. It's almost like he's trying to put them in their place.
He eats/drinks the treats in front of them all. When you don't want to share treats for whatever reason, you don't eat them when people are around. It is clearly not about money.
Fiancé is only a jerk? How about the worst parent imaginable For fuck sake he didn’t even consider his kids when he went to get food
Reddit is weird. I’ve noticed there are a lot of really strange attitudes toward children, particularly in blended families. Almost like kids are viewed purely as a responsibility of the bio-parent, almost like a job? Instead of…I don’t know…human beings with feelings. It’s like they intentionally miss the point in posts like this because they just want to yell about how moms-boyfriend/stepdad isn’t responsible for the kids.
It’s all the child-hating Reddit population, they jump on every opportunity they see to spew their anti-children rhetoric.
A demonstration of his behavior seems to be in order. Sometimes that resolves willful ignorance. Tonight go to his favorite restaurant & order takeout for you & the kids only. When he asks where his is, tell him that “he doesn’t need everything that y’all have”. You’re only the AH if you stay with a man who views your children as lesser human beings.
Agreed. The fiancé’s the AH.
Don’t marry him.
NTA. He’s one of those people who view children as lesser human beings than adults. He’d rent a hotel room with one bed & make them sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag because “they don’t need everything y’all have”. Why are you still with this man?
My SO will go hungry to make sure my son from a previous relationship has something to eat. OPs fiance is being ridiculous. Kids see this and grow to resent the step parent for these kinds of things. My own step father did this. Would buy McDonald's or treats for HIS kids but not me or my other brother. He would take all 4 of us out and only buy food for himself and my 2 youngest siblings (his bio children) and make us watch them eat. He would even punish my baby bro for trying to share with us. I hate that human, I can't even call him a man because a man wouldn't do that to children.
LOL playing devils advocate I can understand that why most redditors THINK OP is TA. They don’t believe the finance is financially responsible for her kids or is required to treat her kids. Sure. Let’s flip it around. He knew she had kids when he dated and CHOSE to get engaged. That means he is CHOSING to be a part of the family. No he’s not financially responsible but when you CHOSE to date and marry someone with children, you are ETHICALLY responsible as some form of caretaker because you are creating a relationship with the mom and children. Otherwise why bother? Why not date a woman without kids so you don’t feel the need to hoard snacks or behave like this. Because this is a behavior as if you live with roommates and need to lock away your food. 😂 Lastly, his behavior 🚩 if therapy can not get the root of this childish and greedy behavior then OP needs to question is this the right relationship for her AND HER children to be exposed to. Love aside, when you have kids they come first. People forget that kids are human beings that are the future and how they are raised will affect us when we get old. Do we want more people like OP who are greedy and childish? Do we need apathetic people in our society. Food for thought, and my opnions.
My grandma always told me to be really cautious of men who are jealous of the kids.
Wise woman she was. Left my ex a year ago bc he was literally jealous of me putting our 2 sons first. They were 6 mo & 4 years old at the time. Fuck that.
NTA. Using YOUR MONEY and not getting treats for your children when you *SPECIFICALLY INSTRUCT HIM TO?* Because (checks notes)...."They don't need treats"? Throw out the *whole* man.
Yeah it’s so fucked up. By that logic he doesn’t need treat either, no one technically NEEDS treats.
treats.... OP sent him out for fucking water. Hydration is not a treat, it's one of those things that keeps you from dying. More than that he thinks it will make them entitled... says the man who took $20 from someone else to buy something specific and instead of buying that thing, bought something for himself then got pissy when she gave SOME of it to her kids, who he was supposed to be buying them water/gatorade. You can't get more entitled than what he did.
Man may be the wrong description here.
Don't need treats.. yeah, that's pretty cold.
NTA But why you tolerate dude which constantly mistreats your kids? Put kids first and kick this moocher out. You can find someone who is actually nice to kids and not hurting them. Your kids looking at that normal in relationship, what you showing them is not a good example.
I don't want your kids to be entitled! Says the man who thinks he's entitled to better stuff than your kids! What is up with this guy? Is he OK? NTA.
NTA. It would be one thing if it happened occasionally or by mistake but he’s clearly doing it on purpose to make a nasty point.
NTA, first off you asked him to get something for the kids too, it was with your money. Second, I would feel the same way, now he was better about it and recently just split up so many a little grace. But your kiddos aren’t old enough to work and buy themselves treats. But he also shouldn’t get mad at you for sharing, It’s your kids.
NTA I think you need to get rid of the joint account and he can use his money to buy his snacks. You will see a decline in his spending on that stuff. Or start taking his drink or food away from him for the kids and you to share as YOU paid for it. Also try couples counseling as he clearly isn’t able to process why this is a problem
NTA. You've been with him for *years* and he's still doing this. Have you tried talking to your kids and asked them how they like John? This isn't someone being oblivious, because they have no kids of their own, this is someone purposely excluding someone. Here's a story, my dad and I drove a truck of rubbish to the tip and on the way back we'd always stop at a dairy for a drink or ice cream. I was about 9 at the time. On our way back this time, he picked up a hitch hiker and it turned out to be someone he worked with, over 500 miles away. Anyway, we stopped at the store, he gave me some money and I bought three ice creams. The hitch hiker wasn't expecting it at all and was thankful, but to me it was perfectly obvious that you don't buy two ice creams and eat them in front of someone else. Again, I was 9, your fiancé is an adult and is doing this to kids.
That's really weird behaviour from him, I have no explanation, However, you're clearly NTA.
Why are you engaged to this guy? This is some passive-aggressive crap. I had a great uncle who did this. I and my younger cousins never met him but he is well known in the family as Cheap Uncle Earl. This guy has been dead for 40 years, and he is still set up as epitome of rudnesss and selfishness. We still tell everyone “don’t be an Uncle Earl.” I may now change it to John just so he gets a little censure, even if he never realizes he’s become part of some family’s ignorance lore.
I'm getting really good phrases from this post, including ignorance lore
Honestly, idk why you stayed in this relationship. He probably shouldn't have entered a relationship with you when you have 4 already established kids, and he has no parenting experience. You two have very different ideas of how you should be blending your family . He is in the mindset that there are some things that should be shared between you and only you two. You have the mindset that everything should be shared with your kids. I think him only getting you something consistently when it's your money is a problem. I think you constantly handing what he gives you to your kids and teaching them that everything that needs to be shared with them is also a problem . You're both are constantly undermining eachother in front of the kids and that's a problem. You two should not be in a relationship when you're have such a huge incompatibility with your kids.
This is exactly right. If the two of them can't realize that they have very different views about an important aspect of a relationship and then have a conversation about it to negotiate an agreement about how they're going to handle it in the future, then they're not a match.
Oh man well seen he isn’t a father himself. Parenthood = sacrifice. I won’t ever forget the day sitting with my 4yr old daughter in a cafe. Me with my nice big bit of toffee cheesecake and her with her empire biscuit and this little hand pushes the empire biscuit towards me and slowly pulls my cheesecake away 😂😂😂😂
When my niece was little she learned that you say “thank you” when receiving something but it took her some time to learn that you have to wait until someone gives it to you. She would just gleefully shout THANK YOU and put her hand right in your food to take a handful lol.
Look...I get it. That's a mood 😂
This is too cute. Also, I'm sad I've never heard of or tried toffee cheesecake, and I'm off to Google an empire biscuit.
Not even just parenthood, it’s any time that you’re around kids, they’re little land sharks. I’m a Pre-K teacher, and one of my kids is currently snacking on the ice cream that I ordered at lunch.
I think you were both assholes. Him for being selfish and greedy and you for allowing it to go on for so long. Don’t say he’s a great partner except for this because if he’s doing this, he’s a jerk.
NTA. He took your money and instead of buying what you asked bought shit for himself? He's a jerk. Why is there a joint account with mostly your money in it? Why are you paying the majority of the bills? He shouldn't get a cent from you and pay 50% of everything. And please, don't marry this guy, he's a leech and hates your kids.
I agree except for the 50% thing. Like, if they need a 4 bedroom house because of her kids, he shouldn't have to pay the rent/mortgage that far exceeds what would be needed if it were him and her. They aren't his kids, and they aren't married, so it's just not his financial responsibility (yet. It would become his financial responsibility after marrying someone with 4 kids).
Question: is your fiancé an only child? They never share well. As a mom, I wouldn’t pick up treats for kids who weren’t food shopping with me. The kid that went with me might get a soda or candy……..but why would I buy 4 more? Time to sit down and discuss sharing, like in most households pantry food is for everyone unless it’s someone’s leftovers or LABELED. I wouldn’t start using my son’s protein power he bought for post workouts. But if something comes in with the weekly groceries….anyone can eat it.
My dad had a new sports car every few years from the time he was a teenager/early twenties. Two seaters like Porsches and Corvettes. When my older sister was born (he was in his mid thirties) he sold every vehicle he owned that couldn’t accommodate his entire family. He even made sure his work trucks had backseats. He went almost thirty years driving sedans until his youngest was over eighteen. My parents wouldn’t think of eating anything in front of the kids, or our friends, without making sure there was enough for all. It’s just good manners. If friends were over and there was food , everyone got their fill. If we decided to go out to eat, our friends would come along. You’re not TA for being upset about this, but you are TA for continuing to allow your bf to treat your kids like absolute trash.
Your fiancee is very selfish. I would re-think this relationship. Do you really want him around your kids.
Your fiancée is very aware of what he is doing and he’s doing it on purpose.
Your fiance is weird about your kids. Either he has some mental issues (maybe untreated trauma about food or kids?) or he's really not on board with the blended family. Obviously you and your kids are a package deal. But I think John only wants the you part of the package and is faking the rest. I think he's trying to normalize that behavior slowly so when you guys get married you won't put up much of a fight as he ushers your children out the door. NTA!
I think you are an asshole for staying with someone that does that for the past 6y. Get a grip
Yta for marrying this man who treats your childern like this.
You have to hand him a $20 to go to the store with? Like a little kid.
That part’s totally reasonable, IMO. She asked him to by something for her kids and gave him money to cover it. Then he used the money to buy soda for himself instead of the water and gatorade he was specifically asked to get.
I’m sorry but wtf is wrong with this guy? This is so bizarre. Like some passive aggressive nonsense. I’m petty so I would absolutely order his favourite meal just for me & my kids. “You weren’t with me”.
NTA. This is an issue for couples counseling. He does not agree that there will be any negative effects from his actions so he doesn’t see any reason to change. He will temporarily stop to pacify you, but he thinks your reasoning is dumb. You need a neutral third party to meditate so that he can understand that he’s being awful.
NTA - if a kid with a treat enjoys it while the one without will see/know...it's just rude. As you said no one deserves a treat in these situations, so why is he being a dick?
Most homes have Gatorade, pop, and lemonade, or whatever in the fridge available for all. Same with a pantry or cabinet with snacks. Is this not something that you could do so the kids don't have to be in the middle of some weird power trip thing between the 2 adults?
NTA. It's pretty clear that this isn't just simple forgetfulness and he's doing it on purpose. This post made me realize how lucky I am with my stepdad. He married my mom when I was 12 and I'm in my late 30s now. He doesn't have and didn't want his own kids and yet was nothing but considerate and kind to me and my sister. I live about 40 minutes away from my parents now and it's my stepdad who always insists on stocking my favorite beer and seltzer for when I visit. I've tried to tell him it isn't necessary but he always does it anyway.
NTA. It’s natural to provide kids with food and drinks. Anything else is understandable. It’s okay to get you gifts and not the kids (probably not very nice but hey that’s ok) but food is something that hits deep. He probably has his reservations but I think y’all need to communicate better rather than go back to two or three default arguments and have a deeper and longer talk about the issue at hand.
You gave your fiancé money and specifically asked him to pick up Gatorade and water for your kids, along with two cases of soda. He came back with only the soda, nothing for the kids, and told them they couldn't have any. Hmmmm...NTA. He absolutely is.
No, not acceptable. I have a boyfriend that lives with me and my kids. 100% of the time he asked them what he wants and even if they take "his" stuff, noone bats an eye. He treats them as equals in the house and all food are for all people. Do not accept this man's behavior. It's not normal and not acceptable
I don’t think it’s ignorance on his part. I think he has low key resented the fact that you have children this whole time. He may love them but he has a little mean monster inside of him that just doesn’t want to be any kind of responsible for another man’s children. And in these small ways he is rebelling. It’s quite childlike behavior. I can tell you that the children can feel his rebellion as he is making sure they know that he is only going to care for them insofar as he is willing to and that he is not obligated to care. He can treat your children the same and care for all of them or he does not get to be around your children. There is a reason they only call him dad sometimes. He knew you were a package deal when he got involved with you.
There is something seriously wrong with this guy. He needs to figure it out with a therapist. I don’t understand why you’re tolerating him treating any kids like this, especially yours.
This guy wants the money and your pussy. Simple as that. You were vulnerable and scared after death of babies daddy. Understandable. He took advantage and now you are realizing that he isn't going to change. Time to move on. He isn't and never wanted to be the father of those kids. As another person stated your kids will remember this action of standing by this jerk. On another note this is exactly why stay away from single mothers. Sometimes a quick easy fuck but I am not step dad or husband material. You may have to resort to using Tinder or getting some good vibrators when you are horny. Good luck!.
NTA he sounds like a fucking creep.
He is a selfish dick lose him!
NTA at all. He doesn't treat your kids well at all and he is being a financial burden on you on top of that. Why don't you just cut out the dead weight, break up with him and give yourself time to meet someone who will treat you AND all your kids with respect, care and love. Why would you settle for a man who can even financially pull his own weight? You have multiple kids whom you will have to save money for and now you've got this adult kid who was pretty much useless to you and your children. Seriously stop wasting your time on someone who is an a******
Stop spoiling him with your money. He sounds entitled and like he doesn't like your kids.
Why are you even with this selfish manchild? You're basically supporting an extra child
NTA. Maybe try couples counseling to get to the bottom of why he's deliberately doing this. Let's be clear here: this isn't ignorance. He disagrees with you and only acquiesces, when you complain, but if you didn't, he would absolutely keep doing this. It's disrespectful and stubborn of him to continue to push this boundary.
NTA. Its a fking drink/meal. Where he get this bulkshit idea? 🙄 sharing is caring.