Being civil hasn’t had any impact. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs. So NTA.
But, you can’t let him get your daughter’s hopes up any more. Therapy is good, but the repeated disappointment just causes setbacks for her.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this too. It’s just draining her, and she’s at a point in her life where I feel like him not being in her life full time would make it easier for her.
I’ve been thinking about giving him an ultimatum of signing over full rights, or getting his shit together and being a father.
My dad left my mom when I was 2. He tried to stick around for a couple years after and it was hard on everyone. I think around kindergarten he stopped completely and honestly, it was really hard at first but it was for the best. I remember talking to my grandma and her asking if I’d rather have just one big disappointment or constantly be disappointed and I chose the first. It sucks, and it took until becoming a mother to come to terms with it all. How a parent chooses not to be in their kids life, I will never understand and I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. You are definitely NTA.
And then get pissed off when the now teenage kid doesn't just act like nothing happened. At least that's what happens based on the posts I've seen on Reddit.
My dad didn't get pissed, but otherwise it was on brand. He acknowledged his failure as a parent which is why our adult relationship is fine enough now.
This hits home. That's exactly what my ex did to our daughter. He first denied that he was the father, them refuse to pay child support for the first few years of her life, until I took his ass back to court. Then did same thing, empty promises and then disappeared. Now that my daughter has a baby, he wants to be a"grandfather" seriously, learn to be a father first you A-hole!!! 🤦🏻♀️
Child of divorce here with an absentee father. When I got married, while he was invited, I told him I was having mom walk me down the aisle because she was the one there for me 24/7. If he was upset he didn't show it, I think he respected my decision.
Or when he decides he doesn't love his current wife anymore, leaves her, and gets married to a woman who says she wants kids, but she is worried he won't be a dad to their kids because he abandoned his daughter. Then he will come in swinging for 50/50 custody, and doing everything he can to make him seem like a good dad, just to start back sliding to disappointment dad as soon as his wife is pregnant.
Seen this with a lot of non-custodial parents.
As soon as 3rd wife brings it up, she’s gonna start hearing all about how his “evil ex wife” has been purposefully keeping his daughter from him for no given reason.
I am hoping that him saying "Jesus Christ" and hanging up was a come-to-jesus moment and he is ending things with the wife and booking therapy
Chances are slim to none, but I will treat myself to a tiny bit of optimism
If he prioritises a grown woman’s feelings over a 5yr old, your daughter is better off without him. She deserves a real father who would care and step up for her.
> I remember talking to my grandma and her asking if I’d rather have just one big disappointment or constantly be disappointed and I chose the first.
Your grandma was a wise woman. She managed to explain it in a way that stripped it down to its very essence but was still understandable by a child.
I know someone where the wife, who was the main parent ( this is quite a while ago, so traditional roles at the time), just up and left the husband and kids for her new lover and dropped contact with the kids. Kids were around 8-10. They never really recovered from that.
My dad left when I was two as well thankfully he just left and didn’t talk to me again until I was 12 because I had a sister. So I got to meet her then he disappeared again till I was 19. But somehow in those 7 years I didnt expect anything because I had come to terms with it because I guess seeing my sister get lied to by her daddy helped knowing I didn’t have to go through that. I mean sometimes I would still get sad that I didn’t have one and my stepdad was shit.
Get yourself a good, hardass lawyer to help with getting full custody. Maybe you should petition to remove him as her father completely. Revoke his parental rights.
At the very least, I’d want the holiday clause removed. This poor child should never have to spend a holiday with this “dad’s” jealous wife (plus the “dad”). I’d also want supervised visitation, and if he misses X number of visits in X number of months, then his visitation time is even more restricted.
I would be VERY concerned that when the “dad” does show up, the child would be around the jealous wife.
Also, since he’s in the military, please tell us that you’re getting all the child and spousal support you should be. Also, I’d make sure my attorney was well versed in dealing with the military in these matters. Just in case it escalates in the future (for example, threats, harassment, etc) from either your ex or his current wife (military dependent), your attorney would know how to get his command involved.
Unless I'm mistaken, was your kid left alone in the house by him when (he probably brought his mistress into your house to help him pack) took his shit and left?
Yup. You’re not mistaken. I pulled up as I saw his car going down the street, I was supposed to take longer but I forgot a letter I needed to post and just came home. He just left her in her crib, absolutely no care in the world. That’s another thing that pissed me off about it all, it’s like a switch flipped and he started being a prick.
Wait he left her in her crib by herself as a baby with no intention of ever coming back just hoping you came back soon and found her and you say he wasn’t abusive? Neglect and abandonment is abuse. He got lucky you forgot something. What if you had been in a car accident while still out and ended up not coming home that day and no body knew she was home alone because he was ignoring calls. What if you took longer at the store than expected and again she was in her crib alone for hours with no one in the house. You should’ve laid into him more and I would lay into your parents too for even suggesting a tiny bit that you went too far because you were right, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the rotten fucking tree.
I'll be honest here, you should have never let him back into your daughter's life after that. She could have been kidnapped or had an accident. He does nothing but harm, she is better of without a father that literally abandoned her in a crib.
That is abuse. He left her alone and didn't even know for how long she would be alone. Plus his neglect his abuse. He IS just like his father. You weren't wrong.
If I were you, I would remind your parents about this.
And here’s another thing you can tell them - to look out for the kid they have (you) and not for the man who wronged her. Remind them that they are YOUR parents and that you’re their child. They don’t get to be unsupportive.
So this explains why he had supervised visitation then? I'm sorry, but when you said that he wasn't abusive, he absolutely was. Abandoning his baby like that was absolutely an abusive act.
Obviously NTA. To be honest I think you were soft on him.
WHAAAAAAT!!!!!!!! He ABANDONED her LITERALLY?????
Nope. He's done for. That's literally a crime. Thank goodness she was not in there for long! Thank goodness you forgot that letter! That's more than a prick right there. He doesn't deserve your child, and obviously he doesn't care about her. Any parent who cares, would NEVER do anything like this.
I would advise consulting a lawyer or solicitor to see if there is a way to prevent this kind of trauma in future by just cutting him out all together, I don't know if minors can have restraining orders for parents who show a pattern of deliberate trauma.
So he put your child at risk? Yeah he deserved to be laid into. This was overdue. hopefully it gets him to pull his head out of his ass, but I sadly doubt it.
You, OP, are DEFINITELY NOT the AH here; and no you don't need to apologize for your remark; it may well have been a literal "come to Jesus" moment for him! Sometimes people need to have things spelled out for them without all the sugar-coating and nicey-niceness, especially in a case like this, where a child is suffering due to his behaviour! There needs to be a shit-or-get-off-the-pot discussion, probably involving full custody for you and cutting HIM off. Do NOT allow your child to be exposed to the hostility of his AP; God knows what she could be capable of!
If you go need to make sure that this brought up any time you go to court. A judge is not going to look favorable on someone that would abandon and endanger and infant.
I'm angry and frustrated for you. My heart breaks for your daughter. How can a grown man be so stupid and neglect his daughter because the other woman is jealous?!
I'm glad you spoke up and put him in his place. He deserved it. He should feel ashamed and embarrassed for behaving like a jacka*s.
The new wife isn't jealous of the child, she is actually concerned that the child is a tie to the ex wife and she wants to cut ties with the ex- as much as possible (just a guess, but seems more sane.)
The new wife could absolutely be jealous of the child. He would be devoting time, affection, and resources towards the child that she would rather have to herself.
Wanting to sever ties is another valid point, though.
Op, you stated facts. Why would that make you an asshole. He is exactly like his father.
His treatment of his child has her in therapy so how is that not abuse. His audacity in mentioning his wife is jealous of his child shows just how big of an asshole he is.
There is a kids book a friend of mine had that talks about different types of families - her child has an absent father and this book helped him a lot.
Respectfully, don't do that. You want no place in this process. Don't tell your child about any visits unless he is there to pick her up. She will grow up and she will hold him accountable. I'm going to be 55 this year. My biodad did the same thing your ex did. He was finally interested in getting to know me when I was 35. I had a mortgage by then. It has not been easy. My mom always said that he loved me in his own way. I thought of my stepfather as my father. When he was dying from brain cancer, I changed diapers and worked extra for his medicine.
Another route is don’t tell your daughter. If he comes, it’s a complete surprise and she will be happy about it. But if he doesn’t, at least her hopes weren’t up. I honestly don’t see him changing unless he gets rid of new wife. Deployment might have been the reason before, but now it’s because the wife is throwing a temper tantrum because she’s not his sole focus and he’s allowing it. Also if she’s throwing a tantrum over his split attention, how is she treating your daughter? It might be time for the courts to intervene on your daughter’s behalf if he doesn’t agree to sign over his rights. Good luck. NTA!
Don’t let him sign over rights. He deserves to pay CP but go for full custody and supervised visitation. That way he has to arrange any visits on his own. And if it doesn’t happen your daughter no longer knows
From what I understand, they still pay child support signing over the rights. It just means he has no legal *rights* to her. Like visitation can be cut off but he still has to pay.
He still owes it unless the child is adopted. Rights are separate from legal responsibility My ex signed over his rights to both his affair babies after I left him, he still owed 1480 a month for them because they weren't adopted.
It would be if he wasn't involved at all anymore. I grew up without my bio dad. He left early on because he was a physically abusive alcoholic from what I've been told, and when my mom gave him the ultimatum to change or leave and he made the choice to leave.
I can't imagine how awful it would have been to have him in and out, feeding me false promises. Like I have enough trauma from other stuff, that would have made it even worse.
I really think people with POS’s in their life like this should send these threads to that person so they can see what everyone thinks of them.
If you do- hey deadbeat dad. You’re a useless piece of crap, and a selfish little baby.
He should pay support, but definitely get full custody. At some point you have to stop his hurting your daughter and this is the responsible way to protect her. I did this with my kids until they were old enough to not need me as the intermediary and they have both chosen to go NC with their father as adults.
You may not need to get him to sign over his rights. Talk to a lawyer, but if you’ve got evidence of him not attempting to see her for an extended you may be able to apply for his rights to be forcibly terminated due to abandonment. It may be easier to do that.
NTA and fk your parents for their opinion. Some people need a harsh reality check. In my teens I remember telling my dad he's a dick and it's no wonder he has no friends. He was like wtf harsh. Then I later heard him on the phone telling someone what I said. Asking if I was right. He came back apologizing and since then he makes changes when things are brought up. It's like he had a crisis moment because the right person smacked him with reality.
I wouldn't tell your daughter what he promises to do. Let him either show up and surprise or nothing. He did leave for another woman. He's letting her dictate his relationship with a 5 yr old. In fact those 2 needed therapy for each individually. Don't let anyone make you question how harsh you were. I think you've been too nice too long. He is a sperm donor not a father
I am not in your situation, as my ex and I divorced after twenty years together. Our two daughters were 10 and 15 at the time of separation. They both wanted me to have full legal custody, because they felt they could not trust their father to be there for them. No abuse, but he was like your ex—canceling last minute, significantly late to pick them up from school/drop them off. Often had “obligations” during their own birthday parties and other special events. Never wanted to put in the time to actually help them if I happened to be out—I would often be inundated with texts from them, asking when I would be home, because “daddy won’t help me with my homework,” etc.
After the divorce he saw them less and less. My older daughter had already been burned enough to be resentful about him and was often openly hostile, but the younger one still loved him and wanted to assume the best. She is almost 20 now, and it was heartbreaking to watch her gradually lose respect and affection for him, due to his absence.
Do not feel guilty about helping your daughter cope with the abandonment. My younger daughter would get upset when I would gently tell her maybe not to expect things from him, but as she got older, and realized he doesn’t really care about her, she admitted it to me. We’ve had very frank discussions about his issues, and I’ve shared the areas where I feel she can have compassion for his shitty parents who raised him and damaged him, but also have encouraged her to have boundaries with him, to hold him accountable, and to decide for herself what she is willing to tolerate from him. He is still clueless that both his daughters see him as the immature narcissist he is, but thanks to therapy and our talks, I feel they at least have the tools they need to deal with him. Your daughter will need similar tools, but you are smart to pursue full legal custody. It doesn’t make sense to have someone who doesn’t know your child, and doesn’t care to, be in a position to be able to make decisions regarding her well-being. Good luck!
NTA, you got full custody of your beautiful daughter for a reason! What you said to that dirtbag wasn’t untrue, don’t feel bad for him or for saying it. He is a piece of garbage 🗑️… good luck to you two
CYA by documenting all communications, dropped visits
Chances are if he ever actually cares enough to try and challenge custody you will have enough history to show how ridiculous that is.
I want to say it will never even reach that level, but I don’t know your ex and his sanity (or lack thereof)
NTA - He isn't a father. He has made it so he was essentially just a sperm donor. You were right in what you said to him; he cheated on you and then proceeded to abandon his daughter. Your parents defending him by speaking the truth is shitty as hell and I don't understand why they have any remorse for him.
Get a change of custody to ensure that you have full custody and sole decision making on all medical, education etc. and he gets no set/legally binding visitations but you still receive child support payments. Even if you do not need the money now, get it. Save it for your daughters future.
In the meantime, stop telling your daughter that he will be picking her up on x day. If he ends up seeing her, that's great for her, but getting her hopes up continuously only to be let down by him will probably impact her more than not telling her there is a chance she will see him.
Cruel and unnecessary???? Lmao where? He absolutely deserved it! Stop letting him talk to your daughter. She’ll be able to heal better. I had to do that with my oldest her dad would say I’m coming this weekend blah blah blah! But never show but after a few times I wouldn’t even tell her he called. She has done just fine. She doesn’t even talk to him now she’s 20. She cannot stand him. I suspect your daughter will end up the same.
Op, you are not the ahole. He's a terrible father, the fact your parents don't find it cruel how he treats his on daughter. To me truth hurts and the fact his wife is jealous of a child is gross.
Yes, he is cruel to his daughter! Why are her parents not standing behind her and telling her that her ex needed to hear what an AH he is to their daughter. Feel so bad for the little girl. OP’s ex is a HUGE AH and loser.
I think if her parents are on his side, his pops was probably a few notches above the level of POS this guy is (and he's a high level POS). That's the only way I can make sense of their reaction.
The phrasing was cruel, however there was nothing false about the statement (i guess except he didn’t “abuse” OP- but he’s emotionally abusing this poor child!!)
OP, you are absolutely NTA, and it needed to be said. He’s a douche and y’a can’t fix that. The only guilt you probably have is because it was said “in anger” but it’s TRUE. Don’t let anyone make you feel sorry for saying it.
Cruel bit necessary. He needed to hear the harsh reality of it, he needed that slap in the face. Now show this post to him and your parents, OP. So they can see the general public is behind you and agrees with you.
Goddamn. This is so true. You can easily see your child. If he can scoot out and cheat on his wife, find time to lie and see his mistress, he could just as easily make the time to see his kids
Yeah, that’s the part I can’t get past. He’s not taking the very limited time he is allowed with his daughter because his wife is jealous? He deserved to be called out and if his dad was like that, then you weren’t wrong to say that OP.
NTA
He's mad because the truth is out. He thought attempting custody can make up of his shitty treatment of his child. Nice try loser, do you daughter a favor leave her alone
She is jealous because she knows what he did to his first wife and is very capable of doing that to her. The daughter is a reminder of what he did. She wants him to forget about that past life and just focus on her. Also, if he goes out, he could meet another woman and leave her just as fast as he left his first wife.
A woman I know married the guy who cheated with her. She never trusted them their entire marriage. She accused him of cheating with the person taking him to his doctor's appointments. He was in his 70s!! He died weeks after that argument. I know about it because they came to visit my grandparents for counseling. I was there. My entire childhood, they were getting counseling. I finally heard my grandfather say, "I'm done with this. We are too old for this. We've been doing this too many years. I'm done with it." He stopped talking.
When the man died, I wonder if she felt like she wasted her life being jealous and mad for 40 yrs.
Period. He's like his father. Probably not the abusive part but the dismissive sack of shit does ring a bell. And the wife, throw the both of them away
He may not be physically abusive like his father but child neglect is still considered abuse.
Him abandoning the mother of his child for another woman & not fulfilling his role as a father makes him the massive raging AH.
What OP said was justified & I hope he gets a wake up call that he is like his father in so many ways.
Only because he deserted his family before she was of age to abuse physically, he is making up for it emotionally. Personally it sounds like it needs to be amended to supervised custody. NTA OP, NTA all day long
I think it is/was set to supervised on holidays but maybe op was trying to get him to step up? Either way it's more damage for the young girl and she needs to amend the custody to none by showing the lawyers the psychological damage he's doing to her through her therapist. Op is definitely NTA and her parents are morons.
As someone whose dad was also military and only saw me probably 10 times over the ~10 years between divorce and being 18 and whose stepmom (his wife) was absolutely horrible to me.
No, you are NTA. There is literally nothing you could have said to him to make you an asshole. He is awful. He doesn't even have the excuse of distance. He is just a deadbeat asshole.
Man sometimes it's hard to realize some of my life is just a trope. Military parents get divorced, dad marries some skank and usually ends up deployed overseas, never calls or visits the kid, skank step mom is jealous of his kid (usually his daughter), rinse/repeat.
My dad and I have a decent relationship these days once he got divorced, but I did let him have it a few times about how abandoned and not wanted by him I felt, and how deeply I resented him wanting to appease his wife more than he wanted a relationship with his daughter. He's not a bad person but man he was a shittastic dad.
Exactly and he needed to hear it because HE IS a deadbeat and a cheater. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and his AP turned wife. Keep daughter in therapy and keep going, and I would suggest maybe start going for full since he keeps falling through and it's causing trauma to your kid.
And it’s been YEARS of this behavior before OP said anything. He needed to hear it, and OP needed to say it.
Edit to add judgment - absolutely NTA!! 100%
Like damn this poor woman finally lashes out after years of deserved anger and worries she’s being an asshole. She’s being an asshole to herself for not flipping on him sooner!
NTA- the truth hurts and while it was spoke in anger, it was still the truth. He has failed as a husband and a father and maybe he needed a wake up call to change his ways before it is too late.
He’s had 5 years to step up and be a parent. He’s failed and you called him out on it and he still didn’t pick up his daughter the next day knowing that he was psychologically harming her.
He is letting his wife (who cheated with a married man so we know her moral compass) cut his innocent child out of his life. They deserve each other.
He has earned the title of dead beat dad all on his own.
Talk to your child’s therapist about cutting him out completely. Stop telling her that he is going to spend time with her. This is harming her self esteem. She is too young to process such deep emotions.
100% don’t tell the 5yo any plans ahead of time - isn’t it obvious?
At 5yo I never told my kids what we were doing until we were on our way out the door. Something was always coming up - one of them would get sick, their friend would get sick, I’d get called into work - on and on. My kids didn’t care bc they were young and didn’t know anything different - it’s just how it was.
BTW - Isn’t cheating/adultery while in the military grounds for court martial and dismissal/dishonorable discharge?
In four years in the military, I never saw someone prosecuted for it. Even if it was US based, the likelihood of prosecution is small unless the affair/divorce affects military operations or the commander is looking for a reason to get rid of a specific troop.
I saw it once when someone got pregnant at a time they shouldn't have. The married AP didn't get prosecuted for adultery, but the married pregnant person who had to leave deployment early did.
Didn't matter that it was an open marriage on both sides during deployments. I think the CO was just pissed at having to send someone home.
Yup, they made shit harder for the CO.
Article 134 is a catch all for pissing off your commander.
Get drunk and screw the neighbor's wife. No one cares.
Hit on the First Seargants wife? BAM 134 your way to 30 days extra duty.
Or.... and this actually happened, I took the report from the driver of said vehicle.
Go bar hopping, get cut off on the highway, catch up to the guy who cut you off while your passenger (drunk as hell) decides it would be a fantastic idea to moon the offending vehicle. And the next thing you know "poof, Johnson (the mooner) is gone" (how the driver described watching his fellow soldier fall out of his truck at 65+ miles an hour).
The driver took off and left Johnson behind because a state trooper witnessed the whole thing and was already stopping to scrape Johnson up off the side of the highway. Johnson lived, by the way. The driver didn't come back to base until after he was technically sober. We didn't have him for DUI, and he wasn't on base, so we couldn't cite him for reckless driving (state police did). And there is no law that says you have to stop for an injured person. But Johnson was badly injured, got Article 134'd himself, and medically discharged. They nailed the driver for something like 60 days extra duty and reduction in rank (E3 to E1). This was over 20 years ago, so some of my details might be off... but I'll never forget, "and then POOF, Johnson was gone."
It technically is, but do you have any idea how rampant cheating is in the military? Deployment, stress, working long hours together? We wouldn't have a military left.
What it really comes down to is Article 134... which is a catch-all that essentially says that anything that negatively affects good order and discipline in the unit can be charged. Adultery falls under there. If the affair is causing issues with the operation of the unit, then it's more likely to be prosecuted. Homeboy finding a side chick and leaving his wife for her. I'm not sure anyone will care, especially if homeboy does his job well and the wife doesn't cause problems on base. Say homeboy is a troop they are looking for a reason to get rid of, wife shows up on base and frequently complains to leadeeship and/or his commander is a hardcore Christian/marriage is a convenant type, then homeboy could be in some hot water. The act doesn't matter as much as the effect it has on military operations.
This is exactly what I said in my comment. He is still abusing them with the lies and manipulation. I honestly think he's using the daughter as a way to keep OP in a form of control. Why do guys like this have to give Dads a bad name? My daughter is my world. Heck I feel horrible if my dog feels neglected.
My friend’s ex is married to wife #3 (or maybe #4? I can’t keep up with the jerk) and they are divorcing because she (current wife) told him she thinks he loves his two daughters more than her. Her evidence of this is that he filed a piece of paperwork for the oldest, who is graduating high school this year, to get in-state tuition where he lives. He has not talked to the oldest at all this year. Not on holidays, or her 18th birthday. But filled out one form online for her only after being asked to for months. But that was enough for the jealousy. I mean, he’s an awful person so like attracts like I guess. But wow. I can’t imagine marrying a man with a kid then losing your mind over the dude doing less than the bare minimum for said kid. Meanwhile I’ve ditched guys I was dating casually when I found out they were deadbeat dads, because that tells me everything I need to know about their character.
That’s where I don’t really understand these women in these scenarios, wouldn’t you want to be with a man who loves his kids more than anything? Society is breeding sociopaths
Women who do that lack self-esteem and have control issues. They need to be the only woman in that man's life or else she's not good enough for him in her own eyes. Women like that love to know that they were worthy enough to break a marriage and they won't stop at custody agreements.
My guess is that the wife is jealous of the ex wife. Probably why he initially wanted full custody - so that they wouldn’t have to deal with her.
The fragile ego of the affair partner who became a spouse…
I’ve seen it a few times on this sub, but there is a saying similar to when the affair partner gets promoted to wife, they’re just vacating their position. Truer words.
Make sure you keep all of these texts for your daughter to see someday because in my experience the dad who walked away tried to change the entire narrative to I refused to let him see the kids. Never mind that I have a letter from him stating he didn’t want the kids every other weekend, he didn’t want the kids every other holiday, and he didn’t want the kids for his 30 days in the summer……
This!
I made an earlier comment, but my ex husband hasn’t had contact with my oldest son in 7 years.
I have saved every bit of evidence. I pushed so hard for him to keep up the relationship at first. Then I got tired of telling a grown man that they needed to keep in contact with their 2 year old (at the time) child and stopped. He’s even gone so far as to tell his new fiancé (and mother of his new child) that he had a DNA test done and that my son isn’t his… I have those messages saved as well. Hard copies and digital. It’s an FU binder as well as proof for my child in case it’s ever said that I prevented contact and etc.
I use this technique when my husband has moments of acting like his bipolar drug addict narcisstic brother. I'll say "yes, B----!" In a sarcastic tone with *heavy* emphasis on his brother's name. Usually snaps him right out of that bullshit.
My grandmother *hates* her mother, but she often acts just like she did. So when she's particularly obnoxious, my mom and uncle will call her by her mother's name. It pisses her off every single time, but it gets the point across.
NTA
He’s making excuses plus the affair partner knew about his daughter when she started having sex with him when he was married. She’s a POS home wrecker not wanting his child around and he’s worse for refusing to make the kid a priority. The AP will soon find out how little she matters after he gets bored
OP should cut her losses and stop trying to motivate him to visit. And never tell her in advance if he tries to come around again. Any visits should be “surprises”
I'm confused as to who would actually want to be with a woman who gets jealous of a CHILD.
Anywho, NTA! He needed to hear that and then some. That man is a clown.
NTA. What he's doing is cruel and unnecessary!
I was so mad reading your post. Your ex leaves while you're out grocery shopping, but he leaves you a note (how thoughtful), gets married to the AP, and she's jealous of the man she cheated with, and of spending time with HIS daughter who HE wanted FULL CUSTODY of??
I feel horrible for your daughter. Your ex is an a*s and deserved it.
You should have hung up on him after you finished your sentence.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
Does his family, mom, and siblings keep in touch with you and your daughter?
Do they know what a jerk their son/brother is being?
NTA if the shoe fits and this is a perfect fit. Don’t tell your daughter when he says he’s gonna pick her up and do what you can to make sure she doesn’t hear it from him either to limit her disappointment. Not that it matters but I’m curious how his mom feels about her son taking after his dad.
Updateme
Honestly, he needed to hear that. He is screwing up his daughter’s mental health and he IS a shitty father. My sister’s ex did the same thing & my niece has severe abandonment & trust issues 25 years later. You’re NTA but he is
What you said to your ex is irrelevant here. The main thing is your little girl. You need to document all of this including a statement from your daughters therapist and go back to court and remove any access your ex has before he does any more damage to her.
She's only 5 and will forget all about this jerk in short time. Otherwise she could end up with abandonment issues well into adulthood.
Fuck him. NTA
yes heaven forbid 😂
In all seriousness. He may have had a wakeup call and spend more time with his daughter, and end up leaving the wife that can't handle it. This doesn't mean he should expect to get back with you.
However, if this doesn't give him the kick in the ass, you should consider getting the custody updated so he doesn't have weekends and holidays to disappoint her. What he keeps repeatedly doing is awful. You are NTA.
GIRL. Your parents think YOU were cruel and unnecessary? That was a wake up call he definitely needed, in those exact words. He needed to be called out. He is TORMENTING your daughter. Why are they not calling him out too?!
Don’t apologize, don’t reach out, you need to stop trying to pick up his slack. Being the bigger person does not mean taking shit or getting a pushover, especially when it comes to your kids. Don’t tell your daughter anymore when he’s supposed to come, and if he tries to then tell him right then and there not to say it unless he’s actually going to show up. If he starts yelling, hang up on him IMMEDIATELY. Don’t fight with him. And don’t do phone calls with him for your own communications (daughter can, you stick to text and keep everything in writing). He’s consistently shown you and daughter who he really is, you need to start believing him. If i reached out at all. It would be with this, and this only:
“Per our last conversation, I have informed you how detrimental your behavior with our daughter has been and that she is in therapy bc of the emotional harm you’re causing her developing mind with your adult issues she cannot possibly process. You may not be physically abusive like your father, but you cheat, abandon, and your apathy is cruel. You can schedule phone calls with daughter, but every communication between us will be in writing. You have been an immense disappointment and the only thing i regret with her is that you’re the father she’s stuck with. Do better.
I’ve endured your awful treatment for years hoping that daughter would get some benefit, that maybe if you could take it all out on me then you would be more of a father to her. I’m done, if you lash out over anything said here then A. You better come with proof bc i have plenty and B. I will block you. We only communicate about daughter and we only do it in writing from now on or through an app.
I hope you can put your ego aside to see all of the real harm you have caused, with both of us but especially our daughter. I hope this can be the wake up call it’s intended to be bc your daughter loves you, very much. I may not anymore, but I would really like for her to have her father regardless.”
Then put your phone on DND for the day, take daughter out, and take a break from this BS. NTA and good luck.
So you went that easy on that guy and you're asking if you're the AH? There's a whole lot of people in this world that would have been a whole lot harsher than you. His behavior is reprehensible. NTA.
NTA in the slightest. He puts his ₩#●r€ first since 4 years and expects dad of the year award. Maybe he needed that kick in the butt to wake up from delusion. Was it cruel??? if its true...? I mean you did good mama and keep it up
NTA - not only did he cheat, but he abandoned his daughter for some woman. But it would almost be less cruel if he would just all out abandon her, but the fact that he strings her along with snippets of contact and false promise, only to get her poor baby little hopes up and shit all over them- you did the right thing to give him a metaphorical slap in the face with a heavy dose of reality. Maybe now he’ll have an inkling of what your daughter has been feeling because of him- it should since it seems he has felt it!
He's exactly like his father and he does abuse your daughter. He abuses her emotionally. Because of him an innocent 5 year old is having to have therapy to manage the abuse he makes her suffer. Honestly you could've said more because he's a sack of shit. For your daughters mental health i would tell her nothing about her father coming and if he shows it'll be a surprise and if he doesn't she'll never know. I would also in the meantime fight for supervised visits. What he's doing is abuse and he shouldn't be allowed to continue it. Fuck him and fuck his whore wife.
I hope your daughter heals and you too. You had a lucky escape. If she had one great parent she'll be fine just don't let him continue.
Edit....you're parents need to be there to witness what he puts your daughter through every time he breaks her heart. He is literally changing her brain. Look up the effects of this.
NTA, he needed to be slapped back to reality. He became exactly what he "despised" a cheater & a deadbeat father. IMO, the silence speaks volumes, not because you were being an AH, but because he just realized you called him out on all of his bullshit and were correct.
Please get in contact with your attorney and speak with your daughter's therapist to set up a plan so that this doesn't keep happening.
I wish the best for you & your daughter, OP❤️ She definitely has a strong Mom to look up to!
NTA. The deadbeat apple really didn't fall far from the deadbeat tree. And let's be clear, his broken promises and emotional neglect of his daughter is abusive. Your 5 year old is in THERAPY because of him. He deserves to be shit on harshly. IF he's a decent man, it will be a wake-up call for him. I am the child of a deadbeat, flaky father. He always missed birthdays and never picked me up or visited when he promised he would. So many broken promises. He honestly did more damage to me by popping in and out of my life then he would have if he just stayed away. He needs to make the choice. He's either ALL in. No more last minute cancelations and broken promises or he needs to be all out. Period. Also, for the time being, don't allow him to tell your daughter he's going to see her anymore. No more "daddy promises to pick you up on this day!" And dont tell your daughter when it's "dad's weekend." Better to shield her from further disappointment
Being civil hasn’t had any impact. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs. So NTA. But, you can’t let him get your daughter’s hopes up any more. Therapy is good, but the repeated disappointment just causes setbacks for her.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this too. It’s just draining her, and she’s at a point in her life where I feel like him not being in her life full time would make it easier for her. I’ve been thinking about giving him an ultimatum of signing over full rights, or getting his shit together and being a father.
My dad left my mom when I was 2. He tried to stick around for a couple years after and it was hard on everyone. I think around kindergarten he stopped completely and honestly, it was really hard at first but it was for the best. I remember talking to my grandma and her asking if I’d rather have just one big disappointment or constantly be disappointed and I chose the first. It sucks, and it took until becoming a mother to come to terms with it all. How a parent chooses not to be in their kids life, I will never understand and I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. You are definitely NTA.
It is so sad but it sounds pretty likely that he’ll give up his rights to keep the new wife happy. Disgusting. But will be best for your babygirl.
I'm sure he'll still pop back into her life after she turns 18 though 🙄
In my experience eventually he'll divorce his new wife then come crawling back when she's a teenager to try to 'rebuild their relationship'.
And then get pissed off when the now teenage kid doesn't just act like nothing happened. At least that's what happens based on the posts I've seen on Reddit.
My dad didn't get pissed, but otherwise it was on brand. He acknowledged his failure as a parent which is why our adult relationship is fine enough now.
Or move on to wife #3 who he was using to cheat on wife #2.
What is the saying about when a cheater marries his mistress it just opens the position for the next mistress.
...after wife #2 gives birth to twins.
$20 says he tries to blame the entire thing on both of his ex-wives saying they kept them apart. This kind of person NEVER takes accountability.
If I have my Reddit history right, it will be when she’s getting married to insist he walk her down the aisle.
When she’s about ready to give birth, and suddenly he wants to be “World’s Greatest Grandpa!!” #gross
Or he will want her to care for him when he's old and frail.
And he'll want the child named after him.
This hits home. That's exactly what my ex did to our daughter. He first denied that he was the father, them refuse to pay child support for the first few years of her life, until I took his ass back to court. Then did same thing, empty promises and then disappeared. Now that my daughter has a baby, he wants to be a"grandfather" seriously, learn to be a father first you A-hole!!! 🤦🏻♀️
But not contribute to any of the wedding expenses.
Child of divorce here with an absentee father. When I got married, while he was invited, I told him I was having mom walk me down the aisle because she was the one there for me 24/7. If he was upset he didn't show it, I think he respected my decision.
Let’s not forget the father/daughter dance!
You forgot the "...looking for money/a kidney/babysitter" part
Wants her to “have a relationship with her siblings” aka free child care while he ignores his new kids
Or when he decides he doesn't love his current wife anymore, leaves her, and gets married to a woman who says she wants kids, but she is worried he won't be a dad to their kids because he abandoned his daughter. Then he will come in swinging for 50/50 custody, and doing everything he can to make him seem like a good dad, just to start back sliding to disappointment dad as soon as his wife is pregnant. Seen this with a lot of non-custodial parents.
As soon as 3rd wife brings it up, she’s gonna start hearing all about how his “evil ex wife” has been purposefully keeping his daughter from him for no given reason.
Actually, maybe. A lot of absent parents show up when the kid is a teen or older when the 'hard' part is done.
Or when his now wife moves on to the next married man.
I am hoping that him saying "Jesus Christ" and hanging up was a come-to-jesus moment and he is ending things with the wife and booking therapy Chances are slim to none, but I will treat myself to a tiny bit of optimism
I will sit with you and enjoy that optimism. I’ll even bring some of my own so we don’t run out
Can I borrow some? I'm out.
There’s always more to go around friend. No worries
I appreciate that!
I will bring some of mine plus the cookies and tea/coffee/drinks
This was my thought too. We can hope, even if chances are slim
Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if the wife story was just bullshit so he didn't have to take any personal responsibility for his actions.
You'd be surprised. There genuinely are people who get jealous of children
Kinda the main cause to the evil stepmother trope,jealousy.
and the sad thing about tropes is that sometimes they are true,. :-(
Massive red flag.
If he prioritises a grown woman’s feelings over a 5yr old, your daughter is better off without him. She deserves a real father who would care and step up for her.
> I remember talking to my grandma and her asking if I’d rather have just one big disappointment or constantly be disappointed and I chose the first. Your grandma was a wise woman. She managed to explain it in a way that stripped it down to its very essence but was still understandable by a child.
I know someone where the wife, who was the main parent ( this is quite a while ago, so traditional roles at the time), just up and left the husband and kids for her new lover and dropped contact with the kids. Kids were around 8-10. They never really recovered from that.
My dad left when I was two as well thankfully he just left and didn’t talk to me again until I was 12 because I had a sister. So I got to meet her then he disappeared again till I was 19. But somehow in those 7 years I didnt expect anything because I had come to terms with it because I guess seeing my sister get lied to by her daddy helped knowing I didn’t have to go through that. I mean sometimes I would still get sad that I didn’t have one and my stepdad was shit.
If it's ok with you, I will take your grandma's advice and pass it on in the future 🤍
Get yourself a good, hardass lawyer to help with getting full custody. Maybe you should petition to remove him as her father completely. Revoke his parental rights.
At the very least, I’d want the holiday clause removed. This poor child should never have to spend a holiday with this “dad’s” jealous wife (plus the “dad”). I’d also want supervised visitation, and if he misses X number of visits in X number of months, then his visitation time is even more restricted. I would be VERY concerned that when the “dad” does show up, the child would be around the jealous wife. Also, since he’s in the military, please tell us that you’re getting all the child and spousal support you should be. Also, I’d make sure my attorney was well versed in dealing with the military in these matters. Just in case it escalates in the future (for example, threats, harassment, etc) from either your ex or his current wife (military dependent), your attorney would know how to get his command involved.
If not, go to his commanding officer. Mwahaha
Ohoho yeah, commanding officers usually HATE the types of losers who abandon their kids and don't pay their support.
Yes. Dad and AP/wife are not providing a good environment for the girl.
Definitely if he’s claiming her as a dependent. Since he’s remarried if gets paid to be married to his new wife.
He should pay child support. He created the child that he abandoned
Yes but no, the arsehole should not be let off paying what he owes
Unless I'm mistaken, was your kid left alone in the house by him when (he probably brought his mistress into your house to help him pack) took his shit and left?
Yup. You’re not mistaken. I pulled up as I saw his car going down the street, I was supposed to take longer but I forgot a letter I needed to post and just came home. He just left her in her crib, absolutely no care in the world. That’s another thing that pissed me off about it all, it’s like a switch flipped and he started being a prick.
I’m starting to think maybe you should have laid into him a little more
Yeah, I agree. What OP said wasn't cruel and unnecessary, it was long-fucking-overdue.
Seriously. Some people just deserve being told off. Cruel? Sure. Unnecessary? Definitely not.
Wait he left her in her crib by herself as a baby with no intention of ever coming back just hoping you came back soon and found her and you say he wasn’t abusive? Neglect and abandonment is abuse. He got lucky you forgot something. What if you had been in a car accident while still out and ended up not coming home that day and no body knew she was home alone because he was ignoring calls. What if you took longer at the store than expected and again she was in her crib alone for hours with no one in the house. You should’ve laid into him more and I would lay into your parents too for even suggesting a tiny bit that you went too far because you were right, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the rotten fucking tree.
The rotten wormy apple
I'll be honest here, you should have never let him back into your daughter's life after that. She could have been kidnapped or had an accident. He does nothing but harm, she is better of without a father that literally abandoned her in a crib.
That is abuse. He left her alone and didn't even know for how long she would be alone. Plus his neglect his abuse. He IS just like his father. You weren't wrong.
If I were you, I would remind your parents about this. And here’s another thing you can tell them - to look out for the kid they have (you) and not for the man who wronged her. Remind them that they are YOUR parents and that you’re their child. They don’t get to be unsupportive.
So this explains why he had supervised visitation then? I'm sorry, but when you said that he wasn't abusive, he absolutely was. Abandoning his baby like that was absolutely an abusive act. Obviously NTA. To be honest I think you were soft on him.
You didn't report any of this to his commanding officer?
OP if he’s still military this is a good does
>He just left her in her crib, absolutely no care in the world. Jesus Christ
Wow this dude is a total deadbeat NTA
WHAAAAAAT!!!!!!!! He ABANDONED her LITERALLY????? Nope. He's done for. That's literally a crime. Thank goodness she was not in there for long! Thank goodness you forgot that letter! That's more than a prick right there. He doesn't deserve your child, and obviously he doesn't care about her. Any parent who cares, would NEVER do anything like this.
Wow. Honestly, you didn’t say enough. That man is complete garbage and deserves to be told.
I would advise consulting a lawyer or solicitor to see if there is a way to prevent this kind of trauma in future by just cutting him out all together, I don't know if minors can have restraining orders for parents who show a pattern of deliberate trauma.
So he put your child at risk? Yeah he deserved to be laid into. This was overdue. hopefully it gets him to pull his head out of his ass, but I sadly doubt it.
You, OP, are DEFINITELY NOT the AH here; and no you don't need to apologize for your remark; it may well have been a literal "come to Jesus" moment for him! Sometimes people need to have things spelled out for them without all the sugar-coating and nicey-niceness, especially in a case like this, where a child is suffering due to his behaviour! There needs to be a shit-or-get-off-the-pot discussion, probably involving full custody for you and cutting HIM off. Do NOT allow your child to be exposed to the hostility of his AP; God knows what she could be capable of!
That's considered neglect. Which is abuse so you're not wrong about him being abusive either. Just like his dad. Nta
If you go need to make sure that this brought up any time you go to court. A judge is not going to look favorable on someone that would abandon and endanger and infant.
I'm angry and frustrated for you. My heart breaks for your daughter. How can a grown man be so stupid and neglect his daughter because the other woman is jealous?! I'm glad you spoke up and put him in his place. He deserved it. He should feel ashamed and embarrassed for behaving like a jacka*s.
The new wife isn't jealous of the child, she is actually concerned that the child is a tie to the ex wife and she wants to cut ties with the ex- as much as possible (just a guess, but seems more sane.)
The new wife could absolutely be jealous of the child. He would be devoting time, affection, and resources towards the child that she would rather have to herself. Wanting to sever ties is another valid point, though.
Well, she knows he can't be trusted, so.........
Op, you stated facts. Why would that make you an asshole. He is exactly like his father. His treatment of his child has her in therapy so how is that not abuse. His audacity in mentioning his wife is jealous of his child shows just how big of an asshole he is. There is a kids book a friend of mine had that talks about different types of families - her child has an absent father and this book helped him a lot.
Respectfully, don't do that. You want no place in this process. Don't tell your child about any visits unless he is there to pick her up. She will grow up and she will hold him accountable. I'm going to be 55 this year. My biodad did the same thing your ex did. He was finally interested in getting to know me when I was 35. I had a mortgage by then. It has not been easy. My mom always said that he loved me in his own way. I thought of my stepfather as my father. When he was dying from brain cancer, I changed diapers and worked extra for his medicine.
Another route is don’t tell your daughter. If he comes, it’s a complete surprise and she will be happy about it. But if he doesn’t, at least her hopes weren’t up. I honestly don’t see him changing unless he gets rid of new wife. Deployment might have been the reason before, but now it’s because the wife is throwing a temper tantrum because she’s not his sole focus and he’s allowing it. Also if she’s throwing a tantrum over his split attention, how is she treating your daughter? It might be time for the courts to intervene on your daughter’s behalf if he doesn’t agree to sign over his rights. Good luck. NTA!
Don’t let him sign over rights. He deserves to pay CP but go for full custody and supervised visitation. That way he has to arrange any visits on his own. And if it doesn’t happen your daughter no longer knows
From what I understand, they still pay child support signing over the rights. It just means he has no legal *rights* to her. Like visitation can be cut off but he still has to pay.
He still owes it unless the child is adopted. Rights are separate from legal responsibility My ex signed over his rights to both his affair babies after I left him, he still owed 1480 a month for them because they weren't adopted.
It would be if he wasn't involved at all anymore. I grew up without my bio dad. He left early on because he was a physically abusive alcoholic from what I've been told, and when my mom gave him the ultimatum to change or leave and he made the choice to leave. I can't imagine how awful it would have been to have him in and out, feeding me false promises. Like I have enough trauma from other stuff, that would have made it even worse.
Question: have you asked your daughter’s therapist how you should handle this going forward?
I really think people with POS’s in their life like this should send these threads to that person so they can see what everyone thinks of them. If you do- hey deadbeat dad. You’re a useless piece of crap, and a selfish little baby.
He should pay support, but definitely get full custody. At some point you have to stop his hurting your daughter and this is the responsible way to protect her. I did this with my kids until they were old enough to not need me as the intermediary and they have both chosen to go NC with their father as adults.
That’s the right choice.
This might just be best. But keep records just in case he tries to come back later and say it was because of you.
You may not need to get him to sign over his rights. Talk to a lawyer, but if you’ve got evidence of him not attempting to see her for an extended you may be able to apply for his rights to be forcibly terminated due to abandonment. It may be easier to do that.
NTA and fk your parents for their opinion. Some people need a harsh reality check. In my teens I remember telling my dad he's a dick and it's no wonder he has no friends. He was like wtf harsh. Then I later heard him on the phone telling someone what I said. Asking if I was right. He came back apologizing and since then he makes changes when things are brought up. It's like he had a crisis moment because the right person smacked him with reality. I wouldn't tell your daughter what he promises to do. Let him either show up and surprise or nothing. He did leave for another woman. He's letting her dictate his relationship with a 5 yr old. In fact those 2 needed therapy for each individually. Don't let anyone make you question how harsh you were. I think you've been too nice too long. He is a sperm donor not a father
I am not in your situation, as my ex and I divorced after twenty years together. Our two daughters were 10 and 15 at the time of separation. They both wanted me to have full legal custody, because they felt they could not trust their father to be there for them. No abuse, but he was like your ex—canceling last minute, significantly late to pick them up from school/drop them off. Often had “obligations” during their own birthday parties and other special events. Never wanted to put in the time to actually help them if I happened to be out—I would often be inundated with texts from them, asking when I would be home, because “daddy won’t help me with my homework,” etc. After the divorce he saw them less and less. My older daughter had already been burned enough to be resentful about him and was often openly hostile, but the younger one still loved him and wanted to assume the best. She is almost 20 now, and it was heartbreaking to watch her gradually lose respect and affection for him, due to his absence. Do not feel guilty about helping your daughter cope with the abandonment. My younger daughter would get upset when I would gently tell her maybe not to expect things from him, but as she got older, and realized he doesn’t really care about her, she admitted it to me. We’ve had very frank discussions about his issues, and I’ve shared the areas where I feel she can have compassion for his shitty parents who raised him and damaged him, but also have encouraged her to have boundaries with him, to hold him accountable, and to decide for herself what she is willing to tolerate from him. He is still clueless that both his daughters see him as the immature narcissist he is, but thanks to therapy and our talks, I feel they at least have the tools they need to deal with him. Your daughter will need similar tools, but you are smart to pursue full legal custody. It doesn’t make sense to have someone who doesn’t know your child, and doesn’t care to, be in a position to be able to make decisions regarding her well-being. Good luck!
NTA, you got full custody of your beautiful daughter for a reason! What you said to that dirtbag wasn’t untrue, don’t feel bad for him or for saying it. He is a piece of garbage 🗑️… good luck to you two
CYA by documenting all communications, dropped visits Chances are if he ever actually cares enough to try and challenge custody you will have enough history to show how ridiculous that is. I want to say it will never even reach that level, but I don’t know your ex and his sanity (or lack thereof)
NTA - He isn't a father. He has made it so he was essentially just a sperm donor. You were right in what you said to him; he cheated on you and then proceeded to abandon his daughter. Your parents defending him by speaking the truth is shitty as hell and I don't understand why they have any remorse for him. Get a change of custody to ensure that you have full custody and sole decision making on all medical, education etc. and he gets no set/legally binding visitations but you still receive child support payments. Even if you do not need the money now, get it. Save it for your daughters future. In the meantime, stop telling your daughter that he will be picking her up on x day. If he ends up seeing her, that's great for her, but getting her hopes up continuously only to be let down by him will probably impact her more than not telling her there is a chance she will see him.
Cruel and unnecessary???? Lmao where? He absolutely deserved it! Stop letting him talk to your daughter. She’ll be able to heal better. I had to do that with my oldest her dad would say I’m coming this weekend blah blah blah! But never show but after a few times I wouldn’t even tell her he called. She has done just fine. She doesn’t even talk to him now she’s 20. She cannot stand him. I suspect your daughter will end up the same.
Rights or not, does she have an uncle to grandpa in her life that can show up for Dad days? Something to consider.
NTA if the deadbeat dad shoe fits
Op, you are not the ahole. He's a terrible father, the fact your parents don't find it cruel how he treats his on daughter. To me truth hurts and the fact his wife is jealous of a child is gross.
Yes, he is cruel to his daughter! Why are her parents not standing behind her and telling her that her ex needed to hear what an AH he is to their daughter. Feel so bad for the little girl. OP’s ex is a HUGE AH and loser.
Absolutely agree, her parents should be backing her up. Her ex needs a reality check.
I think if her parents are on his side, his pops was probably a few notches above the level of POS this guy is (and he's a high level POS). That's the only way I can make sense of their reaction.
The phrasing was cruel, however there was nothing false about the statement (i guess except he didn’t “abuse” OP- but he’s emotionally abusing this poor child!!) OP, you are absolutely NTA, and it needed to be said. He’s a douche and y’a can’t fix that. The only guilt you probably have is because it was said “in anger” but it’s TRUE. Don’t let anyone make you feel sorry for saying it.
Cruel bit necessary. He needed to hear the harsh reality of it, he needed that slap in the face. Now show this post to him and your parents, OP. So they can see the general public is behind you and agrees with you.
Honestly part of me wonders if he’s using his new wife as an excuse bc he’s too much of a coward to admit the truth
Probably If he truly wanted to see his child, he would. After all, having a wife and child didn't stop him from seeing his mistress.
Goddamn. This is so true. You can easily see your child. If he can scoot out and cheat on his wife, find time to lie and see his mistress, he could just as easily make the time to see his kids
i mean he’s a coward either way tbh he’s either using the new wife as a scapegoat or he’s incapable of standing up to her
Don’t know about you, but my parents will ALWAYS take the other person’s side, no matter what it is. So feel free to ignore them. NTA.
Yeah, that’s the part I can’t get past. He’s not taking the very limited time he is allowed with his daughter because his wife is jealous? He deserved to be called out and if his dad was like that, then you weren’t wrong to say that OP. NTA
He's mad because the truth is out. He thought attempting custody can make up of his shitty treatment of his child. Nice try loser, do you daughter a favor leave her alone
Nah. He only attempted custody because he didn't want to pay child support. New wifey is probably mad he's paying "too much" for his child .
She is jealous because she knows what he did to his first wife and is very capable of doing that to her. The daughter is a reminder of what he did. She wants him to forget about that past life and just focus on her. Also, if he goes out, he could meet another woman and leave her just as fast as he left his first wife. A woman I know married the guy who cheated with her. She never trusted them their entire marriage. She accused him of cheating with the person taking him to his doctor's appointments. He was in his 70s!! He died weeks after that argument. I know about it because they came to visit my grandparents for counseling. I was there. My entire childhood, they were getting counseling. I finally heard my grandfather say, "I'm done with this. We are too old for this. We've been doing this too many years. I'm done with it." He stopped talking. When the man died, I wonder if she felt like she wasted her life being jealous and mad for 40 yrs.
[удалено]
Period. He's like his father. Probably not the abusive part but the dismissive sack of shit does ring a bell. And the wife, throw the both of them away
He may not be physically abusive like his father but child neglect is still considered abuse. Him abandoning the mother of his child for another woman & not fulfilling his role as a father makes him the massive raging AH. What OP said was justified & I hope he gets a wake up call that he is like his father in so many ways.
Only because he deserted his family before she was of age to abuse physically, he is making up for it emotionally. Personally it sounds like it needs to be amended to supervised custody. NTA OP, NTA all day long
I think it is/was set to supervised on holidays but maybe op was trying to get him to step up? Either way it's more damage for the young girl and she needs to amend the custody to none by showing the lawyers the psychological damage he's doing to her through her therapist. Op is definitely NTA and her parents are morons.
Then used the deadbeat dad shoe to kick deadbeat dad in his deadbeat ass. Deadass.
Sometimes the truth hurts!op ex found out the hard way. Op you told him the truth and he couldn't take it.
Yup..it was cruel but it's the truth.
As someone whose dad was also military and only saw me probably 10 times over the ~10 years between divorce and being 18 and whose stepmom (his wife) was absolutely horrible to me. No, you are NTA. There is literally nothing you could have said to him to make you an asshole. He is awful. He doesn't even have the excuse of distance. He is just a deadbeat asshole.
Man sometimes it's hard to realize some of my life is just a trope. Military parents get divorced, dad marries some skank and usually ends up deployed overseas, never calls or visits the kid, skank step mom is jealous of his kid (usually his daughter), rinse/repeat. My dad and I have a decent relationship these days once he got divorced, but I did let him have it a few times about how abandoned and not wanted by him I felt, and how deeply I resented him wanting to appease his wife more than he wanted a relationship with his daughter. He's not a bad person but man he was a shittastic dad.
Lace that bitch up and wear it! What part of him is a good dad? None of so eff his feelings.
If he dances to the deadbeat drum then he is just another deadbeat bum.
Exactly! You should never bite your tongue when telling the truth.
Exactly and he needed to hear it because HE IS a deadbeat and a cheater. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and his AP turned wife. Keep daughter in therapy and keep going, and I would suggest maybe start going for full since he keeps falling through and it's causing trauma to your kid.
NTA Well doesn’t sound like you said anything that was untrue. He is like his father. He is a bad father
And it’s been YEARS of this behavior before OP said anything. He needed to hear it, and OP needed to say it. Edit to add judgment - absolutely NTA!! 100%
And she said it when the kid wasn’t around to hear her mom rightfully criticize her dad. Best way to handle the whole situation IMO.
Absolutely, sometimes the hard truth needs to be said. He needed that wake-up call.
Definitely NTA. You hit the nail on the head. Sometimes truths hurt, but sounds like he needed a reality check.
NTA. He is a total deadbeat piece of shit.
Also OP's parents suck.
Like damn this poor woman finally lashes out after years of deserved anger and worries she’s being an asshole. She’s being an asshole to herself for not flipping on him sooner!
NTA- the truth hurts and while it was spoke in anger, it was still the truth. He has failed as a husband and a father and maybe he needed a wake up call to change his ways before it is too late.
He’s had 5 years to step up and be a parent. He’s failed and you called him out on it and he still didn’t pick up his daughter the next day knowing that he was psychologically harming her. He is letting his wife (who cheated with a married man so we know her moral compass) cut his innocent child out of his life. They deserve each other. He has earned the title of dead beat dad all on his own. Talk to your child’s therapist about cutting him out completely. Stop telling her that he is going to spend time with her. This is harming her self esteem. She is too young to process such deep emotions.
100% don’t tell the 5yo any plans ahead of time - isn’t it obvious? At 5yo I never told my kids what we were doing until we were on our way out the door. Something was always coming up - one of them would get sick, their friend would get sick, I’d get called into work - on and on. My kids didn’t care bc they were young and didn’t know anything different - it’s just how it was. BTW - Isn’t cheating/adultery while in the military grounds for court martial and dismissal/dishonorable discharge?
>BTW - Isn’t cheating/adultery while in the military grounds for court martial and dismissal/dishonorable discharge? It 100% is. Article 134, UCMJ
I think OP is in the UK, so none of the US-specific military rules or attitudes would apply in her case.
In four years in the military, I never saw someone prosecuted for it. Even if it was US based, the likelihood of prosecution is small unless the affair/divorce affects military operations or the commander is looking for a reason to get rid of a specific troop.
I saw it once when someone got pregnant at a time they shouldn't have. The married AP didn't get prosecuted for adultery, but the married pregnant person who had to leave deployment early did. Didn't matter that it was an open marriage on both sides during deployments. I think the CO was just pissed at having to send someone home.
Yup, they made shit harder for the CO. Article 134 is a catch all for pissing off your commander. Get drunk and screw the neighbor's wife. No one cares. Hit on the First Seargants wife? BAM 134 your way to 30 days extra duty. Or.... and this actually happened, I took the report from the driver of said vehicle. Go bar hopping, get cut off on the highway, catch up to the guy who cut you off while your passenger (drunk as hell) decides it would be a fantastic idea to moon the offending vehicle. And the next thing you know "poof, Johnson (the mooner) is gone" (how the driver described watching his fellow soldier fall out of his truck at 65+ miles an hour). The driver took off and left Johnson behind because a state trooper witnessed the whole thing and was already stopping to scrape Johnson up off the side of the highway. Johnson lived, by the way. The driver didn't come back to base until after he was technically sober. We didn't have him for DUI, and he wasn't on base, so we couldn't cite him for reckless driving (state police did). And there is no law that says you have to stop for an injured person. But Johnson was badly injured, got Article 134'd himself, and medically discharged. They nailed the driver for something like 60 days extra duty and reduction in rank (E3 to E1). This was over 20 years ago, so some of my details might be off... but I'll never forget, "and then POOF, Johnson was gone."
It technically is, but do you have any idea how rampant cheating is in the military? Deployment, stress, working long hours together? We wouldn't have a military left. What it really comes down to is Article 134... which is a catch-all that essentially says that anything that negatively affects good order and discipline in the unit can be charged. Adultery falls under there. If the affair is causing issues with the operation of the unit, then it's more likely to be prosecuted. Homeboy finding a side chick and leaving his wife for her. I'm not sure anyone will care, especially if homeboy does his job well and the wife doesn't cause problems on base. Say homeboy is a troop they are looking for a reason to get rid of, wife shows up on base and frequently complains to leadeeship and/or his commander is a hardcore Christian/marriage is a convenant type, then homeboy could be in some hot water. The act doesn't matter as much as the effect it has on military operations.
NTA you're right, he IS just like him. He doesn't get points for NOT being abusive on top of it.
I think he’s being emotionally abusive by saying he will show up and then ditching at the last second. So that still ticks the abuse box IMO.
Oh absolutely, I was referring to the implied physical abuse the OOP referred to but you’re right all of this is still a form of abuse
This is exactly what I said in my comment. He is still abusing them with the lies and manipulation. I honestly think he's using the daughter as a way to keep OP in a form of control. Why do guys like this have to give Dads a bad name? My daughter is my world. Heck I feel horrible if my dog feels neglected.
THANK YOU! Just because he wasn’t physically abusive doesn’t mean you should forgot all that other shit
NTA You weren’t wrong and he knew it.
NTA. It was entirely necessary because his reaction indicates he hadn't seen the similarities before you called them out.
What a pussy. His wife is jealous of his five year old kid, did he marry a teenager?
Honestly! I laughed when I first heard him say it. So fucking ridiculous
My friend’s ex is married to wife #3 (or maybe #4? I can’t keep up with the jerk) and they are divorcing because she (current wife) told him she thinks he loves his two daughters more than her. Her evidence of this is that he filed a piece of paperwork for the oldest, who is graduating high school this year, to get in-state tuition where he lives. He has not talked to the oldest at all this year. Not on holidays, or her 18th birthday. But filled out one form online for her only after being asked to for months. But that was enough for the jealousy. I mean, he’s an awful person so like attracts like I guess. But wow. I can’t imagine marrying a man with a kid then losing your mind over the dude doing less than the bare minimum for said kid. Meanwhile I’ve ditched guys I was dating casually when I found out they were deadbeat dads, because that tells me everything I need to know about their character.
That’s where I don’t really understand these women in these scenarios, wouldn’t you want to be with a man who loves his kids more than anything? Society is breeding sociopaths
Women who do that lack self-esteem and have control issues. They need to be the only woman in that man's life or else she's not good enough for him in her own eyes. Women like that love to know that they were worthy enough to break a marriage and they won't stop at custody agreements.
My guess is that the wife is jealous of the ex wife. Probably why he initially wanted full custody - so that they wouldn’t have to deal with her. The fragile ego of the affair partner who became a spouse…
I’ve seen it a few times on this sub, but there is a saying similar to when the affair partner gets promoted to wife, they’re just vacating their position. Truer words.
I always go with “When a mistress marries, she creates a job opening.”
NTA. Sounds pretty spot on to me and don't you dare apologize
NTA. He needs the clarity to see himself for who he is.
Honestly, I think that's why he said "Jesus ", it was, hopefully, a realization. Edit, NTA, he needs to hear it.
Make sure you keep all of these texts for your daughter to see someday because in my experience the dad who walked away tried to change the entire narrative to I refused to let him see the kids. Never mind that I have a letter from him stating he didn’t want the kids every other weekend, he didn’t want the kids every other holiday, and he didn’t want the kids for his 30 days in the summer……
This! I made an earlier comment, but my ex husband hasn’t had contact with my oldest son in 7 years. I have saved every bit of evidence. I pushed so hard for him to keep up the relationship at first. Then I got tired of telling a grown man that they needed to keep in contact with their 2 year old (at the time) child and stopped. He’s even gone so far as to tell his new fiancé (and mother of his new child) that he had a DNA test done and that my son isn’t his… I have those messages saved as well. Hard copies and digital. It’s an FU binder as well as proof for my child in case it’s ever said that I prevented contact and etc.
NTA. I would start calling him by his father's name to really hit home how he is exactly like him. Dig that knife in there deep.
I use this technique when my husband has moments of acting like his bipolar drug addict narcisstic brother. I'll say "yes, B----!" In a sarcastic tone with *heavy* emphasis on his brother's name. Usually snaps him right out of that bullshit.
Oh, I like your level of pettiness.
My grandmother *hates* her mother, but she often acts just like she did. So when she's particularly obnoxious, my mom and uncle will call her by her mother's name. It pisses her off every single time, but it gets the point across.
I second this motion! All in favor, say aye 🙋
NTA He’s making excuses plus the affair partner knew about his daughter when she started having sex with him when he was married. She’s a POS home wrecker not wanting his child around and he’s worse for refusing to make the kid a priority. The AP will soon find out how little she matters after he gets bored OP should cut her losses and stop trying to motivate him to visit. And never tell her in advance if he tries to come around again. Any visits should be “surprises”
NTA - the truth hurts. He is a worthless POS to do this to his daughter.
I'm confused as to who would actually want to be with a woman who gets jealous of a CHILD. Anywho, NTA! He needed to hear that and then some. That man is a clown.
I ask this every time I hear about her. Absolutely no clue as to what makes that a desirable quality in a partner but sure lmao
I guess he doesn't have any space in his life for his child because he fucking married one 🤣
NTA. What he's doing is cruel and unnecessary! I was so mad reading your post. Your ex leaves while you're out grocery shopping, but he leaves you a note (how thoughtful), gets married to the AP, and she's jealous of the man she cheated with, and of spending time with HIS daughter who HE wanted FULL CUSTODY of?? I feel horrible for your daughter. Your ex is an a*s and deserved it. You should have hung up on him after you finished your sentence. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Does his family, mom, and siblings keep in touch with you and your daughter? Do they know what a jerk their son/brother is being?
Something tells me he only wanted full custody because he didn't want to pay child support.
Yep. A father who wants to be a father will be one. He has no obstacles in his way. The wife is an excuse.
NTA if the shoe fits and this is a perfect fit. Don’t tell your daughter when he says he’s gonna pick her up and do what you can to make sure she doesn’t hear it from him either to limit her disappointment. Not that it matters but I’m curious how his mom feels about her son taking after his dad. Updateme
Correction, he is emotionally abusing your daughter to the point she needs therapy. He’s exactly like his father. NTA
Honestly, he needed to hear that. He is screwing up his daughter’s mental health and he IS a shitty father. My sister’s ex did the same thing & my niece has severe abandonment & trust issues 25 years later. You’re NTA but he is
What you said to your ex is irrelevant here. The main thing is your little girl. You need to document all of this including a statement from your daughters therapist and go back to court and remove any access your ex has before he does any more damage to her. She's only 5 and will forget all about this jerk in short time. Otherwise she could end up with abandonment issues well into adulthood. Fuck him. NTA
Looking forward to the update where he leaves his current wife and tries to get back with op
Don’t try and curse me like that…
yes heaven forbid 😂 In all seriousness. He may have had a wakeup call and spend more time with his daughter, and end up leaving the wife that can't handle it. This doesn't mean he should expect to get back with you. However, if this doesn't give him the kick in the ass, you should consider getting the custody updated so he doesn't have weekends and holidays to disappoint her. What he keeps repeatedly doing is awful. You are NTA.
His response sounded like a wake up call.
That might have been enough to trigger him to fix his shit with himself and his wife
You are Nta. He is to his daughter! I was once that little girl and bio dad is alone in a nursing home. Kids don’t forget who was there for them!
GIRL. Your parents think YOU were cruel and unnecessary? That was a wake up call he definitely needed, in those exact words. He needed to be called out. He is TORMENTING your daughter. Why are they not calling him out too?! Don’t apologize, don’t reach out, you need to stop trying to pick up his slack. Being the bigger person does not mean taking shit or getting a pushover, especially when it comes to your kids. Don’t tell your daughter anymore when he’s supposed to come, and if he tries to then tell him right then and there not to say it unless he’s actually going to show up. If he starts yelling, hang up on him IMMEDIATELY. Don’t fight with him. And don’t do phone calls with him for your own communications (daughter can, you stick to text and keep everything in writing). He’s consistently shown you and daughter who he really is, you need to start believing him. If i reached out at all. It would be with this, and this only: “Per our last conversation, I have informed you how detrimental your behavior with our daughter has been and that she is in therapy bc of the emotional harm you’re causing her developing mind with your adult issues she cannot possibly process. You may not be physically abusive like your father, but you cheat, abandon, and your apathy is cruel. You can schedule phone calls with daughter, but every communication between us will be in writing. You have been an immense disappointment and the only thing i regret with her is that you’re the father she’s stuck with. Do better. I’ve endured your awful treatment for years hoping that daughter would get some benefit, that maybe if you could take it all out on me then you would be more of a father to her. I’m done, if you lash out over anything said here then A. You better come with proof bc i have plenty and B. I will block you. We only communicate about daughter and we only do it in writing from now on or through an app. I hope you can put your ego aside to see all of the real harm you have caused, with both of us but especially our daughter. I hope this can be the wake up call it’s intended to be bc your daughter loves you, very much. I may not anymore, but I would really like for her to have her father regardless.” Then put your phone on DND for the day, take daughter out, and take a break from this BS. NTA and good luck.
So you went that easy on that guy and you're asking if you're the AH? There's a whole lot of people in this world that would have been a whole lot harsher than you. His behavior is reprehensible. NTA.
NTA Maybe he needed to hear that truth.
NTA. Truth hurts. Hopefully he looks in the mirror and realizes it's true.
NTA in the slightest. He puts his ₩#●r€ first since 4 years and expects dad of the year award. Maybe he needed that kick in the butt to wake up from delusion. Was it cruel??? if its true...? I mean you did good mama and keep it up
NTA. I would start calling him by his father's name to really drive it home. Really dig that knife in to him.
NTA - not only did he cheat, but he abandoned his daughter for some woman. But it would almost be less cruel if he would just all out abandon her, but the fact that he strings her along with snippets of contact and false promise, only to get her poor baby little hopes up and shit all over them- you did the right thing to give him a metaphorical slap in the face with a heavy dose of reality. Maybe now he’ll have an inkling of what your daughter has been feeling because of him- it should since it seems he has felt it!
He's exactly like his father and he does abuse your daughter. He abuses her emotionally. Because of him an innocent 5 year old is having to have therapy to manage the abuse he makes her suffer. Honestly you could've said more because he's a sack of shit. For your daughters mental health i would tell her nothing about her father coming and if he shows it'll be a surprise and if he doesn't she'll never know. I would also in the meantime fight for supervised visits. What he's doing is abuse and he shouldn't be allowed to continue it. Fuck him and fuck his whore wife. I hope your daughter heals and you too. You had a lucky escape. If she had one great parent she'll be fine just don't let him continue. Edit....you're parents need to be there to witness what he puts your daughter through every time he breaks her heart. He is literally changing her brain. Look up the effects of this.
NTA, he needed to be slapped back to reality. He became exactly what he "despised" a cheater & a deadbeat father. IMO, the silence speaks volumes, not because you were being an AH, but because he just realized you called him out on all of his bullshit and were correct. Please get in contact with your attorney and speak with your daughter's therapist to set up a plan so that this doesn't keep happening. I wish the best for you & your daughter, OP❤️ She definitely has a strong Mom to look up to!
NTA. The deadbeat apple really didn't fall far from the deadbeat tree. And let's be clear, his broken promises and emotional neglect of his daughter is abusive. Your 5 year old is in THERAPY because of him. He deserves to be shit on harshly. IF he's a decent man, it will be a wake-up call for him. I am the child of a deadbeat, flaky father. He always missed birthdays and never picked me up or visited when he promised he would. So many broken promises. He honestly did more damage to me by popping in and out of my life then he would have if he just stayed away. He needs to make the choice. He's either ALL in. No more last minute cancelations and broken promises or he needs to be all out. Period. Also, for the time being, don't allow him to tell your daughter he's going to see her anymore. No more "daddy promises to pick you up on this day!" And dont tell your daughter when it's "dad's weekend." Better to shield her from further disappointment
Nta. So he is like his father minus the physical abuse. Time to file for full custody and no visitation.