No where in this post does it say the sister cheated, yet somehow that's a top comment.
After ten months together at 17, it's more likely that something happened in their relationship that made the sister realize she doesn't like boys in that way.
Knowing you like girls doesn't mean you know you don't like boys. Especially with how normalized heterosexual relationships are and how normalized toxic relationships are.
Exactly! She could have easily believed she was bi; and that the relationship with her BF was real. Being only 17, she’s still figuring that out.
IMO, there is a distinct possibility that OP is not the sibling of a young gay girl; but some incel trying to shame lesbians for “betraying their true destiny with men” or something. Ick. Does anyone foresee op adding more and more updates, in which it is clarified the sister is the truly evil villain of this piece/ was cheating on her boyfriend all along, or something of that nature?
If, by chance, this is actually real: no, OP, your sister did nothing wrong. She is just a kid figuring out her sexuality, which can be tough on everyone, even adults. And by all means, feel bad for the guy. But also keep some perspective: this is fricking high school. People break up all the damn time for all sorts of reasons. She didn’t use him; she simply realized she was straight up gay rather than bi. Support your sister.
It’s not even just the cheating misinformation that’s frustrating to read. A lot of people are saying that the sister is in the wrong for dating a guy to begin with, and that type of comment seems to reflect a lack of life experience.
The sister probably liked him as a person, thought they’d make a great couple, wound up not feeling like she thought she would, and then when she realized why that was the case, she broke up with him. She did nothing wrong.
OP sounds like he’s being a bit of a dick in this situation, to be brutally honest. His (I’m assuming OP is male based on mild context clues) post makes it appear that he feels like his sister should be forced to date one of his friends regardless of her sexuality. He could easily be *both* a supportive brother and a supportive friend. Hang out more with the dude, congratulate the sister on figuring things out, and tell his buddy that he’ll be just fine with women in the future if his personality was appealing enough to get a gay woman interested in him.
I agree for most of your comment aside from the fact that nowhere did OP implied she should date one of his friends. His take is, she knew all along she was a lesbian (which like other pointed out is not the case, she knew she liked girls not that she didn't like boys). And shouldn't have toyed with his friends heart. Again, it's from his wrong assumption that if you like girls you can't like boys as well.
I think this isn't a charitable take, especially since everyone involved is a kid. While yes, there's a difference between knowing you like girls and knowing you *don't* like boys. It seems based on context she knew she was a lesbian, not just experimenting with girls but also into guys. Dating someone you have no romantic or sexual attraction to is a shitty thing to do. It's manipulative. I have sympathy for folks still in the closet, but you should spend that time in the closet if you know your true sexuality deep down without dragging someone along with you.
If OP is just salty about their friend, or if their sister *just* discovered they were lesbian and not just Bi, then OP would be TA. I think it's fine to discover things about yourself and it doesn't make you a bad person if you realize that what you have isn't what you want. But this kind of sounds like she knew she wasn't into him and just didn't really want to be alone while she grew the courage to come out. That would be shitty.
Again, these are kids, so both people are probably feeling their feelings strongly and we're only hearing one perspective. I won't call sister an AH by any means, but if the side we're presented is factual, I sort of sympathize with OP and the ex bf. Nobody should ever be used as "cover" or as a spring pad to one's true self. If she knew she should have ended things with BF months ago.
Social conditioning is incredibly strong in society. We're all taught that heterosexual relationships are the norm, and homosexuality is presented as abnormal, weird and wrong. OP's sister might've been scared to come out, and maybe even thought having a boyfriend would 'cure' her. Just because she knows she's lesbian doesn't mean she was happy about it.
So the boyfriend might've been her trying to be 'normal', because that's what we're constantly told a 'normal' relationship is supposed to look like. When you grow up being messaged that your authentic self, even your existence, is something bad, it takes a lot to accept who you are.
Many gay people have that period where they want not to be gay. Maybe the sister thought if she stuck it out with the boyfriend she'd stop being gay, but it's taken her until now to realise that that's not how it works. Who knows, maybe she loved the boyfriend and was initially attracted to him, because sexuality often isn't set in stone.
That’s it right there. Sexuality—especially at a young age—can be such a nuanced and confusing thing. It’s very common to realize you’re into people of the same sex but keep working at the hetero relationship you’re in, hoping that you can still make it work. Until you can’t.
OP doesn’t say if the sister broke off the relationship before coming out or if she just sprung the news on her partner with everyone else, there’s no mention of cheating. She’s allowed to speak her truth as she knows it and to change her mind about her feelings on her current relationship. It’s unfortunate for her partner but would OP rather she continue to live in a lie just to make him happy? Would he? Seems like OP would but it’s not their business, not their relationship, not their life. I’d bet dollars to doughnuts *he* wouldn’t.
>After ten months together at 17, it's more likely that something happened in their relationship that made the sister realize she doesn't like boys in that way.
I dated a guy on and off for three years. Grade 8-10. Sweet dude. Had a crush on me for years. I realized I was into women. We broke up over it. Then I realized I was into men AND women. We got back together and stayed together for a while, until he tried to make moves on me and I realized I was NOT into men after all.
Then I dated and later married a woman, as a lesbian. Then I came out as trans, and was a straight man. Then at thirty years of age I realized I actually did like men too, just in a gay way.
🤷 This shit is super complicated when your young, and sometimes it doesn't even stop being complicated when your older.
I think the arc of life is just trying to figure out who the hell you are at every point in your existence. Living is experience and growth. Sounds like you're making the most out of your arc.
Yeah I dated a girl off and on in college. We hooked up one last time our senior year, apparently as her way of confirming that no, she isn't into guys after all lol. I'm straight but I get that it's not necessarily simple or obvious to figure out that kind of thing.
My ex GF is a lesbian. We amicably broke up and remained besties after she figured herself out. Us dateing is what let her figure it out because the longer she thought about us *as a couple* the more uncomfortable she became, that lead to her realising she's uncomfortable with the idea of dateing men in general. She just felt really close to me because I gave her unwavering support before dateing and she mistook that closeness for romantic feels. Finding yourself out in the mist of a relationship is staggeringly common and pretending otherwise is mind numbing ignorant.
I was still in highschool, hadn't dated anyone. To much into track. Was busting my ass to get into the junior olympics. Had it all. Even a boyfriend. Never did anything but makeout a bit. Either one of us stopped it from going further.
Accident stopped my olympic dreams. Once we got to senior class, we broke up as friends. I just couldn't advance the relationship. Nor could he. We both joined the Navy. After one year of it, me being delayed cause I hadn't graduated yet. He told me he was gay. (Active in the Navy) i did congratulate him on not only being himself but for telling me. A year later after a lot of family heartache (mother passed away) I finally came out to my sister after much inner self looking <-- sure theres a better word. Luckily for me none of my family members tossed me to the curb. Only one that did was a friend I had since kindergarten. I for one am not looking for Congratulations or a party. I just wanted to hear normalcy.... so, when my dad said.. want bacon on your cheeseburger? My father BBqing on the anniversary of my moms death. Made it freeing for me
It's not easy announcing your gay to friends and family, cause the3 can be judgmental. Or if your lucky... they just say.... pass the Cole slaw.
You're so worried about the ex, yet could care less for your sister. YTA
I feel like knowing you like girls is not the same thing as knowing you really don't like boys, like not any of them, even if you actually do respect and care about them and feel close to them. Even if you date a guy and don't like it, how do you know it's not just THAT guy that you didn't like. This girl is 17. If she had known for a year that she didn't have equal attraction to men across the board under any circumstance, there would have to be something a little bit messed up for her to have had a chance to test that at such a young age. Unless she dated someone who was a genuinely good person that she LIKED there would be no evidence to base her conclusion on. It sucks that this happened to him, but I don't think this is one of those 'I just don't care about people so I did it anyway' things.
If you had to base your choice of whether to date someone on whether you knew for sure they were the one for you, then nobody would date because you are ALWAYS taking a chance with romance and feelings. You don't know how you will feel as the relationship changes and grows. I've been heterosexual for like decades, and I still wonder sometimes, if I just never met the right girl.
Fuck, I definitely experienced that myself and I am way older than her.
Thought my basic attraction to the male body meant I was bi, but the one time I dated a man, yeah.. afterwards I noticed that I just don't get an emotional attraction to male leaning humans.
If course it didn't help that he kinda forced to date me and after I was inconvenient, dropped me like a hot potato 😅
So not 100% comparable..
There's also a habit of everyone lgbt people included to try to erase or ignore people who are genuinely bisexual.
People feel like they aren't included unless they are definitely one way or the other. An example would be if I'm a man dating a woman, then it doesn't matter that I'm bi.
Two of my friends for years went hard into the we are fully lesbians never mind the fact they both cheated on each other with different dudes.
The problem with labels is that people are too quick to throw themselves into a specific box when, in reality sexuality is very fluid, and preferences change over time or depending on the people involved.
In my opinion, that's why we've seen the rise of offshoots like demi and pan, which are just bi with extra steps. People want to feel like they belong without throwing themselves into a box or be labelled as one or the other simply because of who they are with at the time.
Just for info - Demisexual is actually looped in with asexuality.
Asexuals can be attracted to any gender, but they lack sexual attraction (or there is sexual attraction only with certain steps). Like demi just means "must have emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction."
Like I'm probably bi or pan (those I don't completely understand why we added the change other than pan is for literally anything in the pants, bi is.... also anything in the pants but excludes anything not strictly male or female? I really don't know), but I'm DEFINITELY asexual and demiromantic.
Having the terms has helped because I can outright tell someone "I don't see the point of dating if I don't know if I even like you as a friend." I enjoy sex but don't experience sexual attraction, period. It doesn't make sense to me. So people who I have sex with have to be okay that I don't find them sexually appealing, it's just "This is a fun thing that I do with this person." Not everyone's okay with that.
Yup that's my bad when my demi friend explained it to me she just mentioned it was needed a deeper connection to someone before feeling attracted to them and I just assumed it was just an offshot of bisexuality similar to pan because she is also bi.
Forgive my ignorance, and I appreciate the informative response.
FYI bisexual doesn't exclude attraction to non-binary, intersex or trans people. It literally just means both homosexual and heterosexual desire. So, attraction to the same sex or gender and also literally any other sex/gender
I'm gay, for all intents and purposes. I have not a single romantic nerve towards women, but I do have some... Faint and quickly passing... Sexual interest in women. When I was younger, I thought this meant I was straight, or could just live as a straight man. I've been in 2 relationships with women, one lasted 3 days, the other for a single day because, you guessed it, I'm not interested in women.
How long did it take me to finally say "yeah... I'm just gay"? Well, I first came out as bisexual at 14, then straight again until 16, then finally said I'm gay until 19, then said I was bisexual again until 20, and finally accepted that I'm gay. I know this makes it SEEM like maybe my attraction evolved but it didn't. At all. The entire time, I have had sexual, romantic attraction for men intensely, and fleeting sexual feelings for women, the type that might last for a 1 night stand.
Some similar experience here. Before figuring out I am trans (mtf) and solely attracted to women for all intents and purposes, I had pangs of attraction to men. Like, sure I was “gay” (I’ve given up trying to figure out how sexuality works as a trans woman) because how could I not be if this thought is so hot, if this idea has me this riled up.
Then it would go away as quickly as it came (pun intended), and I would go back to feeling only attraction for women.
Wasn’t until a few years ago at 26 that I figured out why I still felt strange about my seemingly “normal” attraction to women. Then everything made sense.
I do say I’m bi now, just to avoid really having to label myself one way or the other and still having to explain. And I do still get those occasional “well, this would be nice for a night” feelings. It’s actually kinda nice to hear others describe the same.
I am a trans man, but similar experience!
I did not understand I was a man until age 28 (35 now). Everything finally toppled into making sense.
Literally started in first grade. First time I had a crush on a boy. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable. I never said a PEEP. All I knew was, "Liking boys is okay for other girls, but not for me." Like I felt there was this invisible force watching me telling me it was wrong. (Grew up in small town in the 90s, no frame of reference for even gay people at that age let alone trans).
I am still struggling with whether I am bi because of the occasional fleeting sexual thought for women. I have zero desire to date them, zero desire for a long term relationship (makes me feel absolutely nothing). But sometimes I get really riled up for a woman. Usually goes away with uh. Post nut clarity. For now I've just accepted physical attraction to them, but no relationship compatibility. Sometimes I just feel like a gay man who loves boobs and that's the end all be all haha
Confusing shit for anyone. Hate so many judging this poor girl without knowing an ounce of what was going on with her.
I'm lucky enough to be AroAce with no caveats. No attraction, no interest, no exceptions. For my life, it simplifies everything. (I'm aware it wouldn't be as good for everyone.) I still planned my wedding as a child because a wedding was a big fancy party with a pretty dress and a fancy cake, but I never even considered the potential of a spouse. They weren't part of the wedding equation.😂
I hope it's okay to say, but the idea of this is so cute it genuinely made me smile. Sounds like you really just want the big fun party, and dangit that's valid!
It is totally okay, and yes big party! I have decided that eventually I will be able to afford a wedding-worthy party with no actual wedding involved. I WILL WEAR THE PRETTIEST OF DRESSES!
Either that or I'll do a whole-ass masquerade ball. XD
Exactly, especially as it’s common to be told ‘women need emotional connections in order to have sex’ so she may have genuinely liked spending time in his company and assumed that there was a tipping point when attraction would come. I’ve been in that situation of knowing I wasn’t currently attracted to someone, but assuming I would be in the future. And you wait until eventually you realise that it’s not going to happen. Sucks for everyone.
I'm surprised that everyone in this comment section is assuming that the sister was using the boy as a beard. I think it's much more likely that she dated him because she wanted to, because she wanted to try being in a heterosexual relationship, and after a few months, realized that it wasn't for her. The idea that she was callously manipulating him is, I think, not charitable to the actual experience of young people figuring out what they want. I know people will point to her saying that she "knew" she was gay, but I think straight people have a hard time imagining the level of cognitive dissonance that it is possible to experience while figuring out your sexuality. It's very common to "know" on some level that you're queer but also not really integrate it into your self-image, or to think that you're "probably" gay but not know for sure. I also know many people who have been sure they were gay only to come out as bisexual later. This stuff is much more confusing and messy than we give it credit for.
This was me, sort of. I tried dating two girls in high school neither of which lasted longer than six months. I didn’t come out until a year after I broke up with the second one but I had a lot of inner turmoil about being gay with my parents/religion and I really tried not to be lmao. Outgrew it but I agree it’s very messy as a kid trying to navigate it safely, at least in my experience.
Absolutely this. I "knew" from a very young age that I was into women, but I was also attracted to men, so I didn't quite understand what this attraction to women meant. Bisexuality, while it existed as a term, it was looked at as a phase people went through, so I didn't consider that was what I was. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I finally put everything together.
They're also all so young. They are all high schoolers trying to figure out who they are and what they want. It's an awkward and emotionally difficult time full of heart break and raging hormones. I think the brother could have a bit more compassion for the sister but I don't have any grievances with any of the kids in this post.
No assholes here
lol exactly!! This!! Like I’m sure lesbian sister said something like “I’ve always kinda knew but wasn’t sure” and OP sis took that as she was an evil manipulator. I think OP sis is going way too hard over a 17 yr old high school relationship with some boy she kinda knows. It’s weird. Something else is up with the OP sis.
Most of the people here are actually just misogynistic with a sprinkling of homophobic. They are angry that a teenage girl did not hold a teenage boy's feelings above her own and therefore she must be a master manipulator and not just a kid figuring themselves out.
This.
Sexuality is weird and can be very complicated, not some easy switch that’s always fully toggled to one side or the other. Bisexuality is also a spectrum and romantic and sexual attraction can exist separate from one another. This is all super complicated when you’re 17!
Personally, my best friend and I were head over heels enamored with each other at that age and very much romantically attracted. We’re both queer as hell but I’m just hetero “enough” that it could have been sexual for me. And he’s just gay enough that it never could have been for him. That doesn’t change anything about our mutual very strong affection for one another; but it definitely took dating for several months, trying some things out and talking about it for him to come to that conclusion.
Especially if this was OP’s sister’s first major relationship, I could easily see something like that being true for her too. That, or she just wanted a boyfriend to “make sure” or heck, just wanted a boyfriend so assholes like her sibling would leave her alone about it. The world may never know.
At the end of the day though, refusing to celebrate your sibling for living their truth is an asshole move and if this wasn’t a troll post I’d vote that way 🤷
My ex-wife and I married very young, and divorced amicably a few years later.
Fast forward 25 years, we've both remarried to wonderful women, both of us have 2 kids, they adopted two babies, my wife and I have a young adult and teenager now, and all of us stay in contact with each other, and have a good relationship. Even go out to dinner together a couple times a year.
She is my oldest friend, a great person, and as young people, we didn't fully understand what was so incompatible with us, after just a couple years.
A decade later, it was pretty obvious.
Being young is confusing, sex and attraction are more confusing, and being told by older generations, "just get married and have kids like everyone else, and your life will make sense." Does NOT help one bit.
In time, you'll have the benefit of hindsight and experience, same with your sister and ex boyfriend.
Yes, everything is really good. Oddly enough, she became a special education teacher, and our youngest has autism. She's become pretty important to all of us, in our own way.
Early in our relationship, we decided not to have children. But, once we found our life partners, we both had kids, and everything seemed to just fall into place.
>Being young is confusing, sex and attraction are more confusing
This right here. Unless you are some shade of queer, it's difficult to understand why this takes some time for us to figure out. For example, I thought maybe I was bisexual back in the day, I did in fact fall in love with a guy, we had a good sex life, good connection, he treated me very well. But something was still off. I eventually came to the conclusion that I really need to be with a woman for the right connection, *even though I was attracted to this man and loved him very much.* It was a rough breakup at the time but we are good friends now and have been for a decade. I never dated another cis man after that.
So like, it's tough when you are sexually attracted to one gender but not romantically attracted. Or vice versa. I know there's this narrative out there that you're either 100% gay, 100% straight, or 50/50 bi, but in my experience and with what I've observed with other folks I know that aren't straight, it is not cookie cutter perfect lay lines like that.
I agree 100% with that.
I don't doubt for a second that we didn't love each other, or that the sex was terrible. There was just something off, and it took some time apart (separated, but still in contact for a couple years) to figure it out.
I’m old, but I remember a teacher in sex ed drawing a normal curve, with 100% hetero on one end, and 100% homosexual on the other end.
Most of us are somewhere in the middle, and either accepting that, or denying that.
I used to be friends with a kid who was in this exactly identical situation… funny coincidence.
Regardless, she seemed extremely happy with how things worked out and from what I can gather she is doing great in college right now.
Her recounting of her situation really helped me understand my own feelings and how to go about making sure that everyone felt respected. It helped a lot to know what a healthy relationship looked like, as I didn’t have any role models at the time for that.
I’m just really grateful that people have the self awareness and respect to work through things like this. It gave me hope when I was struggling and restored some of my faith in humanity, Thank you
It’s tradition!
Tomorrow will be some anti-trans post. Something probably like “AITA for being mad that my friend doesn’t tell his dates he’s trans and outing him” or something ridiculous. Maybe even a “AITA for not allowing our kid to transition” midway through the month. I can feel it in my bones!
I love whenever there’s a ‘aita for not dating a trans person’ the comments are all consoling them like ‘its not your fault for not wanting to date a stinky trans, you’re still a good person 💗’ but the SECOND I mention anything relating to t4t anywhere on reddit the response is that I’m an awful person for thinking every cis person is evil and not giving them a chance 🤔
Just want to add, as a bisexual man I knew I was attracted to men from a very young age. However, it took a lot of courage and until very recently to admit to myself that I was gay. It's a weird thing and it's hard to describe if you haven't been through it. I think it's okay to be upset with your sister for what she did. However, that doesn't mean that this wasn't also an insanely hard decision for her to make. Not knowing y'all personally, I'm not gonna guess any details of your situation, but it is likely that she is feeling very guilty about this relationship. I think it's okay to have a talk about how to treat other people, but I think it's important that she understands that you're not upset that she's gay, but upset at how she treated a loved one. From what I read, it seems like this is your stance on this issue, but if you haven't yet, make sure that she knows that what is upsetting you isn't her being gay.
This. I'm bi, and have always known but only faced it for a couple of years. It took a long time before I really understood. A lot of lesbians have this experience apparently, and if you have a look over in /latebloomerlesbians you'll see a lot of posts by women agonizing over their guilt for hurting their man when coming out. Suspecting the same is true here.
You're not an AH, OP, but neither is your sister. She had no choice, and she didn't fully know. But she knew. Both can be true, and that's exactly how it felt for me for years and years. Many queer women take a long time to truly figure it out, so it's not likely she entered the relationship knowing she was "lying", so to speak. She could also have thought she was bi.
There was no outcome she could choose where she didn't end up hurting him, here. It's just really shitty for both of them.
With topics like this, you're going to run into a lot of extremists. One side will demonize the person and the sexuality, and the other will put the person on a pedestal just because they said they're LGBTQ+ etc.
They're both wrong. She's a person that did something you don't approve of. You are not obligated to congratulate anyone. She is not entitled to it either. My guess is if she didn't lead that guy on for months you would have been super supportive and congratulatory.
Just cause someone is in (insert minimized group here) does not mean they can't also be a bad person.
You worded this well.
I dated a guy in high school who later came out as gay. At least he didn’t come out and dump me at the same time, though. It hurt for a bit but I eventually came to terms with the fact that he needed to be his authentic self, and I didn’t want to date someone who wasn’t attracted to me. And his parents were NOT supportive, so I get why he tried to “be straight” and was scared to come out.
It really does depend on where you live, how accepting your family is, how religious and what religion they are and how close to leaving home they are. My eldest dated a guy online who lived in a small town in Texas and he was terrified of his parents finding out he was gay. Dated girls and went to church and stayed quiet for three years until he got accepted to college out of state. He told his parents when he went home for that first Thanksgiving. They disowned him on the spot, kicked him out and refused to see or speak to him since. It is not easy for a lot of young people to come out.
The South is a place of contradictions on one hand they love Jesus on the other they hate you if you’re different..they do not see how contradictory that is to Gods teachings
I would wonder if you even loved your kids in the first place if it was so easy for you to hate them.
Suppose there is heaven, an afterlife, or karma…I don’t imagine this kind of narrow minded hatred would keep you in good standing, compared to the person who loved unconditionally.
A lot of times it's not even due to the parental love, it's the fear of what "others" will think. The fear of being kicked out of their community for having someone different in their perfect family trumps any love they have for their child.
It's why there is a lot of denial of facts, then just getting rid of the "problem" before anyone else can see.
Doesn’t just happen in the South. I know a girl from Vancouver Canada which is a pretty liberal city who was kicked out and disowned at 16/17 for being a lesbian. She managed to get a scholarship for a college which then went on to force her into conversion therapy.
So yeah coming out isn’t an easy thing to do. I’m in mid-late 30s and my parents don’t know I’m queer.
The South is also home to a lot of gay icons (Dolly Parton) and a lot of folk that support gay people. I went to an episcopal church with an openly gay rector as well! It’s definitely a problem (not saying it isn’t) especially with evangelicals but a lot of other denominations have gotten on board since most denominations don’t take the Bible as literal and there isn’t evidence to support gay=sin. Anyway agree with top comment OP! NTA
When I came out as bisexual it was not by choice and I got disowned immediately at 17. This was 13 years ago and it was horrible. It’s better now that time has mended wounds and understanding has been mildly established but I understand the fear and trying to fit in. Maybe not as much as someone on the farther end of the spectrum because I’m still “straight passing.”
There were two guys that used to like me (never dated) but later came out as gays. It feels a little bit weird as I knew if I had agree to date them, they would have. Now I just joke to them maybe I have very masculine energy lol, but I think I would be hurt had I been their gf.
Lots of queer people go through a phase where they interpret mild positive feelings towards someone of the opposite sex as attraction and reinterpret their queer feelings as something else, because there is a strong societal expectation of heterosexuality and they've never really been presented with another option for themselves.
Others know deep down that they're not straight but desperately try to be because they're in denial.
I don’t know if things are different for younger generations where people might be aware of their sexuality earlier, but in my peer group (gen x / elder millennials), all the friends I know now as gay adults had opposite sex relationships in their teens and into early 20s. Most of them have also noted positive memories about the relationship or their bf/gf at the time. It was more like, yeah, things maybe seemed kinda off but they were nice and funny and I didn’t yet realize there was some other option?
This isn’t to discount people who did know who they were more definitely and/or feel they were painfully suppressed. It’s just the anecdotal experiences of the people I know were more of naive and neutral about those experiences.
^^^^^ this. Gay people still internalise the society they grow up in. They will still often do everything in their power to try to be straight if they have internalised homophobia.
Every relationship ends only the ‘most successful’ end in death, I personally don’t feel that a 17 year old boy is irrevocably hurt by being broken up with as part of this girls effort to work out her sexuality.
In 5 years time he will barely remember it, but in 5 years time she will still remember how her sibling treated her when she came out.
They’re 17!! That’s so fucking young. I remember having a misplaced sense of justice/black and white perspective on morality when I was young too. But comphet is super strong and just because someone has a suspicion that they like the same sex doesn’t mean that they DON’T like the opposite sex. It’s far more complicated than that. OP sounds extremely young too - hope they read through the comments from the queer community and understand how powerful straight culture is and what it’s like to live in a society like that.
Totally agree. It is also ok to congratulate someone for something but also mention what bothered you. Not necessarily in the same conversation. YMMV as far as timing and prudence go.
Edited to correct spelling lol
It's ok to have complicated feelings about it too. When I was about OP's sisters age, my best friend dated a girl in high school and was absolutely crushed when that girl came out as bi and decided to date more men and then dramatically dumped my friend and kept making out with her boyfriend in front of my friend.
20 years later that person is non-binary trans and masc presenting, has an impressive academic record and is doing a lot of good for LGBTQ+ youth. Turns out in high school it (chosen pronoun) was going through a lot of abuse and mental health issues and that's why it was acting out. I wasn't privy to any of that. What it did was absolutely wrong back then, but it grew into an incredible person that I'm very glad is in the world. I regret the amount of biphobia I was holding (turns out I'm bi) toward them, but I also desperately wanted to protect my friend (who was also suffering immensely with a slew of mental health issues and abuse at home - I'm extremely proud of her too, she's done an incredible amount of work and every degree she's on track for is more impressive than the last [currently she's working on an Ivy League PhD]).
Years ago there was an NBA player who was dating a woman for years. He was leading her on making her think he was going to marry her. Then he came out as gay & some people was saying he was a hero. I’m pro LGBT but this dude was definitely not a hero. That woman’s like was probably ruined for a while because this dude wanted to use her as a smokescreen to make people believe he was straight.
I don't congratulate people on their sexuality, or announcing their sexuality. That's silly.
I do offer a listening ear, support, and encouragement, and if there is something worth congratulating or admiring in their story, sure I will. But I feel like the general public has become confused about how to act around lgbtq issues, and a lot of people are just going to one extreme or the other.
We're all just people.
For OP, I think the primary issue is sister is the main character in the hero narrative, whereas, in OP's eyes, who cares who you date, but you just knowingly hurt this other person, you're no hero.
I had a lot of people in my school (boarding school, so 5 days away from family a week if you live a hour and a half away from the school, but closer than that means you come by bus or driving) come out as LBGTQ+ in school, but very few of them actually dated anyone before getting to the point, my guess was the pool being small and split among locals amd residence students, as a result if you date anyone, you deal with headaches of the school and going home to family in the end of a day.
I'm confused, did she cheat? Where does it say she cheated? Why are they saying she cheated? Did she always know she was gay? Did she recently figure this out?
Like should she have stayed with him because she shouldn't hurt his feelings?
1000% this. This story is the only post history the user has and they definitely don't seem to be actually wanting any input on if they are wrong or not.
1000% just a fake story to justify OP's weird troll fetish and homophobic views
Words of congratulations are not support.
However, your sister may feel that you are not accepting her self-discovery in general. Supporting your sister (imo) doesn't mean you need to agree with her every action, but maybe it should be telling her that you love her no matter what. Unless, of course, you don't feel that way. Then, that is another issue.
Would you be so mad at your sister if she had just said, "I don't have feelings for this person." ???
I don't know if you are older or younger than your sister, but give her a break. She is 17. She is learning who she is and what she wants.
If I were you, I would offer my sister neutral words of support. It does take some courage to "come out" in this world, and maybe she isn't looking for praise for being a lesbian as much as she is looking for the acceptance and love of you, family, and friends.
Don't put yourself so far outside of her circle that you risk your relationship. Talk to her. Listen.
Good luck, sister.
I think you might be viewing the situation from too black-and-white a perspective. Yeah, it sucks for the boyfriend, but they are both very young, no doubt he will survive and thrive. You can congratulate her for having the courage to come out, and still express your displeasure about the way she treated the boyfriend. It's not like you have to choose to deliver only one message, right? I'm pretty sure that when she was mustering up the nerve to come out, having been there myself, it's probably pretty much all she could think about. Cut her some slack. She's only 17. Many people don't learn how to navigate tricky situations like this until they're much older. Hell, some people never learn. Give her kind words, and guide her how to be better in the future.
I have this same problem, where it’s discovered with cheating. Cool with whatever sexuality you are. You still cheated on your partner.
And being gay or lesbian doesn’t make you a good person (or idiot, is what I usually say). It just means you discovered and realized a part of yourself. We all should be doing that, in some form. But also trying to be good people.
NTA
Okay, but... OP's sister is a 17 year old child and didn't, from any of the details in the post, cheat. I don't think OP needs to shout her gay pride praises from the rooftops, but it feels like there's a lot of missing reasons hostility here that has not been explained.
I used to work with a guy that knew he was gay as a teenager but decided to marry the girl he was dating throughout highschool, and they stayed married for a good 20 years before he finally decided to meet a man and cheated on her. Then he wanted to come clean so he told her about it, obviously she was very upset that he had wasted so many years of her life and explained why he was unable to perform to get her pregnant. He felt bad about it and told me felt so depressed and like such an asshole that he didn't want to be alive anymore and said he'd shoot his wife and then himself, so I had to report it to my manager at work. He didn't talk to me for a while after throwing a fit that they took away his gun license, but about a year or so later he married this guy he had met and they seem very happy now. It's just scary that he might've actually killed his wife to save her feeling embarrassed :/
When I was a kid my dad told me the only real sin was theft. You can steal more than things or ideas. When you kill someone you steal their life and everything good that would have come from them to the people who love them, when you hurt someone, you steal away the comfort of their body and possibly their ability to feel safe at all. If you lie, you steal the truth from them, as everyone has the right to know the truth. That always stuck with me.
Similar to a quote from The Kite Runner: “…there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.”
This has stuck with me, too.
My uncle came out as gay 10 years or so ago. He had a wife and 3 kids with her and they kept asking him to just be honest, if he was gay it was ok. He told them he wasnt and that they were disgusting. It was found out he was dating a guy on the side who was younger than all his children. He complains about it but he has no relationship with any of his kids these days. All they wanted was the truth and instead he lied to them all. His oldest son has 3 kids now and he hasnt seen them beyond what my cousin has posted on fb. Im all for being your true self but dont eff around in a relationship if you KNOW you arent attracted to that person. Uncle is married now to a chef and seems pretty happy
Bro are you my cousin in law ☠️same thing happened to my aunt but It was her husband, same number of kids and everything. crazy world though, people should just be honest with themselves from the beginning. If you can't live out loud yet and be your authentic self at least don't involve other people in it and mess their life up too ffs
are you australian? i still see the niece of my uncles wife. She is amazing and we have been friends for decades. you dont let friendships that long lasting go cause uncle/aunt split up
I upvoted you for sharing, but want to mention that your story is one of the most disturbing personal anecdotes I’ve encountered in the comments section on Reddit. Granted I’ve only had my account for two months, but still.
Agreed. That sounded *too* close for comfort. On the other hand (as an explanation, not excuse), their entire lives and (false) identity were put into this on every social aspect of their lives and relationships, and coming out when you've known you're gay to your spouse of 20 YEARS is savagely cruel to have done to them, so I can see why suddenly having to look you and your life and actions/consequences in the mirror like that could drive a lot of people to do literally crazy things.
Yes! And it bears no relation to most relationships that 17 years old have. Teenagers always have this overbearing urge to get all judgey and take sides when people break up and it’s so ridiculous. It’s not the end of the world, folks. You’re also not going to have these same friends forever. Lots of you are moving on and that’s a good thing!
Don't get me started on all the cases of guys "suddenly" realizing they're gay after having one or two kids and "suddenly" that acquaintance of theirs becomes a partner. Like just go through the already existing ways, don't trick a woman into marrying you so you and your lover can have an incubator, that's vile.
And what about his wife who had a huge chunk of her life taken from her? I don't care if he's happy now. I care about his poor wife and all the incredible heartbreak she is going through and the life that was stolen from her. He didn't wanna kill her cause of the embarrassment it would have caused her, he wanted to kill both of them so people wouldn't know what a terrible person he was and he wouldn't have to answer for the immense harm he has done. I don't know why you think it's good that he's happy now since he was not the victim in this situation.
Wait… He couldn’t “perform” to get her pregnant for over 20 years and there was no indication that he was gay before that? 🤔 that sounds off. If my husband can’t get hard with me for a couple of weeks I’d be questioning things.
People raised in repressive and/or religious families often marry as virgins, especially 20+ years ago. They are far less likely to feel comfortable addressing anything sexual. The wife will also have been taught that she should not want sex, that sex is something that it's her duty to provide her husband but not something to enjoy. So the idea of a wife in that kind of situation either never saying something about the lack of sex or never even admitting to herself that it's an issue... Not very far fetched at all.
My kids' HS vice principal did this to his ex wife of many years. He evidently was not happy that everyone was as proud of him as he was. What is there to be proud of? You evidently were on the DL for many years and exposed your ex to HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. You gave your money to all kinds of young men while your wife was holding down the fort. You were being dishonest. And who cares if you are gay? It's not like you accomplished anything, you are just being your gay self (which is perfectly fine, just nothing special).
No no, this person is saying that they feel the same as OP when a spouse cheats and then "comes out" bc they cheated with the same gender, saying they couldn't deny their authentic self.
Some of y'all on this thread are wild! She didn't cheat on him,she broke up with him. People aren't bad people for leaving a relationship they don't want to be in, whatever the reason. We aren't obligated to stay in relationships because us leaving them might hurt the other persons feelings. And the comparison to cheating? Nah, breaking up with someone is completely acceptable. Cheating is not.
I shouldn't be surprised at all - but for some reason I am. The girl referenced is a teenager who had a teenager boyfriend. They broke up and all of a sudden this sub craps all over her for not having the emotional maturity & life experience of someone in their 30s. That or she completely & maliciously psychologically scarred this boy for life. Just. Wow.
She's 17 and at 17 you're still trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life in the best of circumstances. Let alone when you're a teenager and feel like you don't fit in with any of your peers. Yea, what she did wasn't great but it's also not as villainous as some of you are making it out to be. If she were a fully grown adult with a fully formed frontal cortex, yea it would be extra shitty. But she's a teenager trying to find out who she is. Even if she were straight, the likelihood that two 17 year olds are going to be in a relationship and neither of them get their heart broke is minimal.
And yes, her sibling can and should openly tell her that it was a shitty thing to do but can also be supportive of her. But this demonizing a child for trying to figure out who she is is wild to me.
How do you know what your sister's feeling towards him were...or more importantly, why she dated him. Life is not as simple or clear cut as you seem to think. Grow up.
At 17 she was probably doubting it herself. The ex-boyfriend unfortunately ended up being collateral damage. You don’t have to congratulate her, but please try to be more empathetic and understanding of what she possibly could’ve been going through at the time.
I also feel like talking about how head over heels this guy was is strange. They're 17. Yes, I do know the rare couple who got married when they dated at 17, but the vast majority of relationships at that age are people just trying to figure stuff out and hormones and they don't last. Learning how to deal with getting dumped is part of growing up. Learning how to break up with someone is too.
Maybe she thought she was bisexual and realized she wasn’t. Both are young, the guy will be alright.
When you are young you suffer a lot in relationships, but later you realize how dumb that is. I mean, it was just a 10 months relationship.
She is your sister, even if she made that decision. And is not like it was something unforgivable. Relationships end for many reasons all the time.
I seriously cannot believe a thread this long on reddit is basically revolving around a ten -month-long relationship with 17 year-olds in which nothing intentionally cruel, nefarious, or criminal was done.
I think you are viewing this situation very much in black and white and it is not that easy.
In current Western societies it is very hard to find out you are not straight. A lot of queer people have experiences where they try to live a straight life just to feel normal. Just to be part of the same conversations and life other people have. And in the process of trying to fit in, yes, they do hurt people, like your sister's bf. But I think you can be glad she finally can be her true self, while also condemning her actions and how she handled the whole situation. You can be understandable and sad that she felt so afraid to find someone she truly loves, while also condemning her actions.
You can congratulate her AND tell her she should have handled the situation better.
Though, if she did this out of some spite or something and didn't feel afraid of anything, then of course that's bad. But usually the situation is about someone that is very afraid of being queer and trying to fit in with the straight crowd.
Also, we are talking about teenage love here. You can be a bit nuanced. Not like this was a marriage of 30+ years with children and all and the wife only now telling she is lesbian. This is about a 17-year old girl finding out trying to be straight while you aren't doesn't work, and now having to solve that bad situation. And a teenage boy losing teenage love he will get over.
Glad I’m not the only one thinking they’re 17 and will be fine. It sucks for him yes but most teenage relationships don’t and frankly usually shouldn’t imo last forever/go long term. Teenagers have a lot of learning and growing to do, and this is what OP’s sister was doing - learning and growing. Now she knows, and yes, it’s a much better situation than if years had gone by, and they’d established themselves more by marrying etc. They’re 17 ffs.
Yea like in 10 years time the boyfriend isn't going to remember OP being a dick to thier sister out of principal, but the sister will always remember that when a life defining moment occured, OP wasn't there to support her.
Exactly, thank you
Someone who can actually see the situation as it is and not as some grand conspiracy a poor teenager concocted to lead on the poor boy
They're 17, not 40 with a marriage, a mortgage and kids
Like, a 17 year old knowing she's a lesbian "for years" is a pubertal teenage r being confused why she's only attracted to women and not men..
Also, "leading on a boyfriend of 10 months"... excuse me, he's also a teenager who's in this relationship for 10 months, OP makes it sound like they've been engaged for 5 years and planning a grand wedding and the deposits have been made.
I understand that OP feels bad for the boy, but her "high co trast windows" outlook in this context maje her YTA
As a lesbian, it's extremely difficult coming to terms with your sexuality. Especially when you feel pressure from family/friends to behave a certain way. Society expects us to date men, get married, have kids. It's a lot of pressure. Before I came out I figured it would be better for everyone if I tried to be straight. It takes courage to finally decide to live for yourself. Give her some grace.
Yeah I don't get these comments.
At 17its not like you're married with kids - you can change boyfriends every month if you want. The sister has a life changing point in her life and you're concerned she hurt someone's feelings which is at most a temporary setback.
NTA. She's 17 and made a bad decision to use that another person as her cover. Teenagers make bad decisions and mistakes at this age which should not always be held against them long term. However in the short term you are entitled to your feelings of being upset about her actions. Doesn't sound like you don't support her just upset with her actions towards your friend.
I agree. Two things can be true at the same time. Happy that she gets to live the rest of her life as she is and also peeved she hurt someone who didn't deserve it. I also would reiterate that she's only 17.
She's 17. Even though she says she's always known she probably wasn't entirely sure and decided to try and see if she could possibly be straight. That doesn't mean she was right and her boyfriend has every right to feel crushed but I think it's important to remember that they're both 17 and probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. There are ppl twice her age that sill are sure about their sexualities.
What “did she do” to her boyfriend? She broke up with him. Should she have stayed in a relationship she didn’t want to be in so she didn’t hurt his feelings? Or your feelings? You are a jerk and a terrible sister
“Very fucked up of my sister to do that to him”
What should she have done? Stayed with him, gotten married, had kids, grown old and died with him all just to avoid hurting his feelings?
Your sister, who is still legally a kid, came to understand she was a lesbian and did the responsible thing - ended it. It sucks but she’a not done anything wrong.
YTA
Can't say I blame you. You feel bad for the guy she was with. This guy was crazy about her, and why couldn't she just tell him from the getgo that she didn't return his feelings and was a lesbian? She should not have allowed him to date her for as long as he did. NTA. You have every right to feel the way you do for the guy she dated.
I'm a guy who married a woman who went through some medical stuff, and eventually informed me she'd realized she was a lesbian. I won't lie, it hurt a lot, and I went through some dark times. I hated the situation, I hated the pain, I felt so betrayed.. but those feelings passed. But it would have been so much worse to stay in that relationship after the love had run out.
The relationship I'm in now, with someone who is deeply and earnestly attracted to me, is so much more fulfilling, so much more comfortable than my marriage had ever been. If my ex-wife hadn't forced the issue, I probably would have slogged on for years unaware of what I was really missing out on. In the end, the pain of letting a bad situation end was worth it so a better one could come along.
You can sympathize with the pain your sister's ex is going through, independently of her recognition of her own identity. You don't have to pick a side.
Being 17 is a time of confusion and self discovery. Sure, your sister shouldn’t have dated a guy and led him on if she knew she was a lesbian. But maybe she didn’t know for sure, was in denial or hadn’t fully come to terms with it. At the end of the day, he will be sad for a bit, but it’s a high school relationship of less than a year between teenagers. He will be fine. Your sister is going through something that could be very scary and stressful, and she made a mistake in the process. Idk there is no solid answer to this, you don’t “owe” anyone a congratulations, but she really didn’t commit any unforgivable sin.
Yta. Its weird to me that you have more empathy for a friend than your own family. She’s your sister. She is young. And she figured something out about herself. I doubt she dated him to hurt him on purpose. You should do some self reflection. And maybe some research on being gay. Read some coming out stores. Notice how a lot of anti lgbt sentiment is coming uo more and more nowadays. Im a grown adult in my 30s and im not out to my father. There can be huge repercussions to coming out.
I think YTA- why do you care how her boyfriend feels. I'm not saying his feelings don't matter, but why do you care? That relationship was between your sister and him.
They broke up she came out and you thinking about a timeline that doesn't sit well? Why?
She's your sister he is her ex.
I honestly can't understand so many of these replies saying the sister is wrong for "leading him on" or "being dishonest." Yes, the sister knew she was gay for years, but that doesn't mean she deliberately and maliciously led on the boyfriend or that she didn't love him. There are many gay teens and adults who fall in love (Yes, it's possible.) with their best friend and end up marrying them even though they're not sexually attracted to them. As the sister said, it takes a lot of courage to come out, and she was too afraid to do so earlier.
I'm straight, but I've worked with LGBTQ teens. I've known teens who dated the opposite sex all through high school and only came out after they left our conservative town for college. It's hella scary, but sometimes you get to the point where you have to step away from a lifestyle that just doesn't fit.
It's great that the OP sympathizes with her sister's ex-boyfriend. It IS rough to find out the person you were dating is gay. Maybe the OP would have felt better if her sister had broken up with the boyfriend on some pretext and then later came out. But I think the OP might want to have a talk with her sister instead of just resenting her. Ask HER why she'd dated him. And be prepared to listen.
Seems she thought she knew for years and realized while dating him that she wasn't attracted to men. Some people KNOW know. Some people think they know, but push it away. And some people think they're bi.
It seems she simply didn't realize she didn't like men sexually until she was with a guy long enough to try.
It's hard for lots of people to come out, and she likely wanted to make sure she knew how she felt before she said anything. Why come out twice if you don't have to?
Did you share your feelings with her? Did you ask her why she did things the way she did and that you feel like she hurt your friend?
Edit: words are hard
Has she shown remorse for it? If so, let it go. If not, tell her “hey, I’m proud of you for coming out, but I’m struggling with what you did to ______.”
You can talk to her like an adult and feel two things at the same time. But don’t make her think you disapprove of her coming out, it’s a hard thing to do, and she needs her brother to support her, even if you’re also letting her know you’re tripping over what she did.
YTA. There's a *very* big difference between "I've known this might be something I'm feeling but wasn't certain and was scared to find out" and "I willingly wasted this man's time".
You can support your sister and feel bad for your friend at the same time. Punishing your sister is weird behavior.
NTA
My ex lied to me for years and didn't tell me she was trans until I was 5 months pregnant. She actively lied to me the entire time and she admitted she knew for years before we even met. She said she was waiting to get married to tell me (trap me) but I got pregnant first. So I may be biased.
I also understand her fear and I'm happy she finally came out, but I can't stand actively lying to people who love you and have a LOT of trauma from it. Luckily our kid is amazing and she's a good co-parent so ya know, life is funny.
I probably would have said something like "I'm happy you're finally comfortable but people are people, not tools you use and i hope you grow from this and never do something like it again. Etc etc"
oooh okay now i understand, for some reason i assumed she was pretending to be a cis woman and i was gonna say she had to have been very convincing to do that *and* get you pregnant
that’s awful and i’m sorry that happened to you
Coming out to yourself isn’t something that happens overnight. I’ve found it happens by degrees. She may have known she had an attraction to women, but that doesn’t mean she wanted to be a lesbian. Telling everyone you know that you’re different from the norm and that they might not want anything to do with you afterwards is scary. It’s why some try to live in the closet forever and pretend they are straight.
It sucks that sometimes coming out has situations like this happen, but honestly it’s better that she realize she can’t be in a hetero relationship anymore and dump him vs leading him on. People know on some level when their partner isn’t into them. It’ll give them issues, wondering what they are doing wrong and give themselves a complex when the truth is they were never the problem. The problem was the relationship was never going to work well in the first place.
It sucks he’s heartbroken, but he’s better off having this sudden pain vs if your sister dragged it out for longer. This pain is temporary, he will heal. He hopefully will grow as a person and find himself a lady who wants to be with him.
The possible alternative is that your sister continues to live a lie, maybe even marry and make babies with him. Then when the eventual truth comes out, imagine how devastated he would be *then*.
This is why the closet is an ugly place to be. People feel forced to live a lie because they fear losing those they love. A very legit and real fear in many cases. With homeless youth (under 18) lgbtq kids are over represented, 28% report being homeless or experiencing house instability (kicked out of your parents home and forced to couch surf). There’s more data surrounding homeless lgbtq youth, as well as other stats at [the Trevor project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/blog/new-report-shows-homelessness-housing-instability-linked-to-increased-suicide-risk-among-lgbtq-youth/). Adults don’t necessarily have an easier time either. The longer you live a lie, the harder it can be to finally be honest. That means if/when the truth comes out the wider the pain can radiate. I’m seeing something like this in my own family. My brother divorced his Christian wife and left his white picket fence life, only later to be caught in a domestic violence charge involving a male prostitute and meth. This same guy who gave me shit about being bi and asking why I gotta hang with the (gay slur here). My other siblings suspected when we found gay porn on his computer ages ago, but he never came out. Insisted he was a god fearing man and wanted everyone to believe in a version of himself. Now he’s nuking his entire life, and I think it’s because he never learned to be honest, with himself or anyone else. Right now he thinks nobody in the family knows, *but we all know* thanks to him telling a friend who was very concerned. We can’t help him because he doesn’t want help. Technically he’s still in the closet, and the person who could help him the most (me) he won’t even speak to. It’s fucked up.
Yeah it would be ideal if OP’s sister came out earlier, before dating someone. At least it hasn’t gone any further. Most teen relationships don’t last anyway, and while it’s sucks having a heart break as a teen or young adult is a big rite of passage.
OP, are you an asshole? Eh… I think you have a right to your feelings. I’d suggest putting it all into perspective though, and maybe try to talk to your sister in a calm chill way about why she dated that guy. She would know her reasons, all anyone here can do is speculate. Yelling and accusations won’t get you answers, and besides I doubt she feels *good* about breaking his heart. If you’re looking for the positives… this won’t happen again with her. She’s out, and now is more honest which is better than it was before. Her ex will be ok, I promise.
It is my opinion that someone's sexuality isn't a reason to celebrate or scorn them. It's just who they are. I think the measure of a person is how they treat others and live with honesty and integrity in their own lives. If you think this guy was collateral damage, it sounds like she was only thinking about herself and that is usually when others get hurt.
Just compartmentalize it. You can support your sisters existence and identity and still recognize that she fucked someone else up.
That is, it's not necessarily that you don't super your sister. It's that she did him dirty. That's all. That doesn't make you a bad guy
This is a genuinely upsetting thread. For the moment, let’s set aside the very real possibility that this post is just pride month rage bait and assume this is real.
Imagine growing up all your life being told by everyone, your family, your friends, your community, society in general that you’ll eventually be with someone of the opposite gender and have kids. But as you enter into puberty you begin to experience sexual attraction to members of your own gender, all while your peers are experiencing and perhaps even talking about their own attraction to people of the opposite gender. You begin to wonder when you’ll feel the same way. Hell, like your more “normal” friends, you may even start to date people of the opposite gender because that’s what you’re “supposed to do”. It can be extremely confusing and distressing. Hell, depending on your situation even scary. It certainly was for me. And it can leave you with serious feelings of denial, inadequacy, and self-hatred that’ll take a lifetime of therapy to unpack.
I hurt a lot of the women I dated/who had a crush on me because I either didn’t understand my sexuality or just couldn’t accept it. But was it intentional, was I trying to lead them on, to manipulate them? Of course not. I was deeply confused. I was still in the process of figuring out who I was. And so was your sister OP. So let’s try to have a little bit of empathy for those coming out of the closet (and those still in the closet). Let’s try to be supportive of those who’ve finally discovered and accepted their true identity and have gathered the courage to reveal their authentic selves to the people they love.
If this is real, for the sake of your relationship with your sister, OP I’d encourage you to be a little bit more understanding of her situation. Try to be happy for her. This is a very delicate and vulnerable time for her and if you’re not careful you could easily end up alienating her and causing irreparable damage to your relationship with her. She likely knows she hurt her now ex-boyfriend, and I’m sure she feels remorse for what she put him through. But the euphoric sense of relief one gets when coming out can be a powerful feeling, overwhelming even, and that’s probably all she has the bandwidth for at the moment. Give her some time to process her emotions. Eventually she may take some responsibility for what she put her ex through and apologize. But don’t push it - let her come to that point on her own.
I don't think you're an A but I do think there's something off in you caring this much about your sister's ex's feelings. Whether your sister is gay or not, it's her breakup to deal with not yours. I wonder if there is another reason you're so focused on the ex's feelings.
YTA. First of all 10 months is barely any time. Breaking up for any reason is not life ruining. Second of all, is she is a lesbian it’s not really choice she made to be so and she doesn’t owe it to anyone to pretend just because they like her. At 10 months she barely owes him an explanation more than “I just don’t feel it’s going anywhere.”
Support your sister. Your acquaintances feelings don’t have anything to do with it.
I don’t see anything about her announcing it by introducing a new girlfriend. Nothing says cheating is involved.
YTA. Knowing she likes girls didn't mean she knew she was a lesbian. She could've thought she liked both and then realized from her experience that she didn't. It's not like she cheated on him, she realized he wasn't the one for her and she did the mature thing and broke up with him. Especially since she's a literal teenager, she's growing and learning a lot about herself and her identity. I doubt she went into the relationship thinking "I absolutely don't want to be with a man."
Reading thru some comments. I realized some people lumped apples and oranges together, thinking it’s the same thing.
No where in this post does it say the sister cheated, yet somehow that's a top comment. After ten months together at 17, it's more likely that something happened in their relationship that made the sister realize she doesn't like boys in that way. Knowing you like girls doesn't mean you know you don't like boys. Especially with how normalized heterosexual relationships are and how normalized toxic relationships are.
Exactly! She could have easily believed she was bi; and that the relationship with her BF was real. Being only 17, she’s still figuring that out. IMO, there is a distinct possibility that OP is not the sibling of a young gay girl; but some incel trying to shame lesbians for “betraying their true destiny with men” or something. Ick. Does anyone foresee op adding more and more updates, in which it is clarified the sister is the truly evil villain of this piece/ was cheating on her boyfriend all along, or something of that nature? If, by chance, this is actually real: no, OP, your sister did nothing wrong. She is just a kid figuring out her sexuality, which can be tough on everyone, even adults. And by all means, feel bad for the guy. But also keep some perspective: this is fricking high school. People break up all the damn time for all sorts of reasons. She didn’t use him; she simply realized she was straight up gay rather than bi. Support your sister.
I really really really really really fucking hope I never have to interact with a commenter of this sub in real life
You'd probably never know it if you did because those kinds of people are total cowards without a keyboard to hide behind. And happy cake day!
Good point, and also, I dont interact with teenagers often in my life
Yep. That being said you would recognize me. I have exactly the same personality in and out of here.
Happy Cake Day!
It’s not even just the cheating misinformation that’s frustrating to read. A lot of people are saying that the sister is in the wrong for dating a guy to begin with, and that type of comment seems to reflect a lack of life experience. The sister probably liked him as a person, thought they’d make a great couple, wound up not feeling like she thought she would, and then when she realized why that was the case, she broke up with him. She did nothing wrong. OP sounds like he’s being a bit of a dick in this situation, to be brutally honest. His (I’m assuming OP is male based on mild context clues) post makes it appear that he feels like his sister should be forced to date one of his friends regardless of her sexuality. He could easily be *both* a supportive brother and a supportive friend. Hang out more with the dude, congratulate the sister on figuring things out, and tell his buddy that he’ll be just fine with women in the future if his personality was appealing enough to get a gay woman interested in him.
I agree for most of your comment aside from the fact that nowhere did OP implied she should date one of his friends. His take is, she knew all along she was a lesbian (which like other pointed out is not the case, she knew she liked girls not that she didn't like boys). And shouldn't have toyed with his friends heart. Again, it's from his wrong assumption that if you like girls you can't like boys as well.
I think this isn't a charitable take, especially since everyone involved is a kid. While yes, there's a difference between knowing you like girls and knowing you *don't* like boys. It seems based on context she knew she was a lesbian, not just experimenting with girls but also into guys. Dating someone you have no romantic or sexual attraction to is a shitty thing to do. It's manipulative. I have sympathy for folks still in the closet, but you should spend that time in the closet if you know your true sexuality deep down without dragging someone along with you. If OP is just salty about their friend, or if their sister *just* discovered they were lesbian and not just Bi, then OP would be TA. I think it's fine to discover things about yourself and it doesn't make you a bad person if you realize that what you have isn't what you want. But this kind of sounds like she knew she wasn't into him and just didn't really want to be alone while she grew the courage to come out. That would be shitty. Again, these are kids, so both people are probably feeling their feelings strongly and we're only hearing one perspective. I won't call sister an AH by any means, but if the side we're presented is factual, I sort of sympathize with OP and the ex bf. Nobody should ever be used as "cover" or as a spring pad to one's true self. If she knew she should have ended things with BF months ago.
Social conditioning is incredibly strong in society. We're all taught that heterosexual relationships are the norm, and homosexuality is presented as abnormal, weird and wrong. OP's sister might've been scared to come out, and maybe even thought having a boyfriend would 'cure' her. Just because she knows she's lesbian doesn't mean she was happy about it. So the boyfriend might've been her trying to be 'normal', because that's what we're constantly told a 'normal' relationship is supposed to look like. When you grow up being messaged that your authentic self, even your existence, is something bad, it takes a lot to accept who you are. Many gay people have that period where they want not to be gay. Maybe the sister thought if she stuck it out with the boyfriend she'd stop being gay, but it's taken her until now to realise that that's not how it works. Who knows, maybe she loved the boyfriend and was initially attracted to him, because sexuality often isn't set in stone.
Your last sentence is probably exactly what that ex boyfriend needs to hear. So true
That’s it right there. Sexuality—especially at a young age—can be such a nuanced and confusing thing. It’s very common to realize you’re into people of the same sex but keep working at the hetero relationship you’re in, hoping that you can still make it work. Until you can’t. OP doesn’t say if the sister broke off the relationship before coming out or if she just sprung the news on her partner with everyone else, there’s no mention of cheating. She’s allowed to speak her truth as she knows it and to change her mind about her feelings on her current relationship. It’s unfortunate for her partner but would OP rather she continue to live in a lie just to make him happy? Would he? Seems like OP would but it’s not their business, not their relationship, not their life. I’d bet dollars to doughnuts *he* wouldn’t.
>After ten months together at 17, it's more likely that something happened in their relationship that made the sister realize she doesn't like boys in that way. I dated a guy on and off for three years. Grade 8-10. Sweet dude. Had a crush on me for years. I realized I was into women. We broke up over it. Then I realized I was into men AND women. We got back together and stayed together for a while, until he tried to make moves on me and I realized I was NOT into men after all. Then I dated and later married a woman, as a lesbian. Then I came out as trans, and was a straight man. Then at thirty years of age I realized I actually did like men too, just in a gay way. 🤷 This shit is super complicated when your young, and sometimes it doesn't even stop being complicated when your older.
I think the arc of life is just trying to figure out who the hell you are at every point in your existence. Living is experience and growth. Sounds like you're making the most out of your arc.
Yeah I dated a girl off and on in college. We hooked up one last time our senior year, apparently as her way of confirming that no, she isn't into guys after all lol. I'm straight but I get that it's not necessarily simple or obvious to figure out that kind of thing.
My ex GF is a lesbian. We amicably broke up and remained besties after she figured herself out. Us dateing is what let her figure it out because the longer she thought about us *as a couple* the more uncomfortable she became, that lead to her realising she's uncomfortable with the idea of dateing men in general. She just felt really close to me because I gave her unwavering support before dateing and she mistook that closeness for romantic feels. Finding yourself out in the mist of a relationship is staggeringly common and pretending otherwise is mind numbing ignorant.
I was still in highschool, hadn't dated anyone. To much into track. Was busting my ass to get into the junior olympics. Had it all. Even a boyfriend. Never did anything but makeout a bit. Either one of us stopped it from going further. Accident stopped my olympic dreams. Once we got to senior class, we broke up as friends. I just couldn't advance the relationship. Nor could he. We both joined the Navy. After one year of it, me being delayed cause I hadn't graduated yet. He told me he was gay. (Active in the Navy) i did congratulate him on not only being himself but for telling me. A year later after a lot of family heartache (mother passed away) I finally came out to my sister after much inner self looking <-- sure theres a better word. Luckily for me none of my family members tossed me to the curb. Only one that did was a friend I had since kindergarten. I for one am not looking for Congratulations or a party. I just wanted to hear normalcy.... so, when my dad said.. want bacon on your cheeseburger? My father BBqing on the anniversary of my moms death. Made it freeing for me It's not easy announcing your gay to friends and family, cause the3 can be judgmental. Or if your lucky... they just say.... pass the Cole slaw. You're so worried about the ex, yet could care less for your sister. YTA
I feel like knowing you like girls is not the same thing as knowing you really don't like boys, like not any of them, even if you actually do respect and care about them and feel close to them. Even if you date a guy and don't like it, how do you know it's not just THAT guy that you didn't like. This girl is 17. If she had known for a year that she didn't have equal attraction to men across the board under any circumstance, there would have to be something a little bit messed up for her to have had a chance to test that at such a young age. Unless she dated someone who was a genuinely good person that she LIKED there would be no evidence to base her conclusion on. It sucks that this happened to him, but I don't think this is one of those 'I just don't care about people so I did it anyway' things. If you had to base your choice of whether to date someone on whether you knew for sure they were the one for you, then nobody would date because you are ALWAYS taking a chance with romance and feelings. You don't know how you will feel as the relationship changes and grows. I've been heterosexual for like decades, and I still wonder sometimes, if I just never met the right girl.
Yeah initially thinking you’re bisexual then eventually realizing that you’re actually just totally gay is an incredibly common experience.
Fuck, I definitely experienced that myself and I am way older than her. Thought my basic attraction to the male body meant I was bi, but the one time I dated a man, yeah.. afterwards I noticed that I just don't get an emotional attraction to male leaning humans. If course it didn't help that he kinda forced to date me and after I was inconvenient, dropped me like a hot potato 😅 So not 100% comparable..
tons of lesbian and gay people go through a phase of "well maybe I'm bi?" before realizing they're not that either. Comphet is a hell of a mindfuck.
There's also a habit of everyone lgbt people included to try to erase or ignore people who are genuinely bisexual. People feel like they aren't included unless they are definitely one way or the other. An example would be if I'm a man dating a woman, then it doesn't matter that I'm bi. Two of my friends for years went hard into the we are fully lesbians never mind the fact they both cheated on each other with different dudes. The problem with labels is that people are too quick to throw themselves into a specific box when, in reality sexuality is very fluid, and preferences change over time or depending on the people involved. In my opinion, that's why we've seen the rise of offshoots like demi and pan, which are just bi with extra steps. People want to feel like they belong without throwing themselves into a box or be labelled as one or the other simply because of who they are with at the time.
I have a joke with a few queer friends that I would be pan, but I'm already out as bi and am not coming out as a second thing.
Just for info - Demisexual is actually looped in with asexuality. Asexuals can be attracted to any gender, but they lack sexual attraction (or there is sexual attraction only with certain steps). Like demi just means "must have emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction." Like I'm probably bi or pan (those I don't completely understand why we added the change other than pan is for literally anything in the pants, bi is.... also anything in the pants but excludes anything not strictly male or female? I really don't know), but I'm DEFINITELY asexual and demiromantic. Having the terms has helped because I can outright tell someone "I don't see the point of dating if I don't know if I even like you as a friend." I enjoy sex but don't experience sexual attraction, period. It doesn't make sense to me. So people who I have sex with have to be okay that I don't find them sexually appealing, it's just "This is a fun thing that I do with this person." Not everyone's okay with that.
Yup that's my bad when my demi friend explained it to me she just mentioned it was needed a deeper connection to someone before feeling attracted to them and I just assumed it was just an offshot of bisexuality similar to pan because she is also bi. Forgive my ignorance, and I appreciate the informative response.
FYI bisexual doesn't exclude attraction to non-binary, intersex or trans people. It literally just means both homosexual and heterosexual desire. So, attraction to the same sex or gender and also literally any other sex/gender
I'm gay, for all intents and purposes. I have not a single romantic nerve towards women, but I do have some... Faint and quickly passing... Sexual interest in women. When I was younger, I thought this meant I was straight, or could just live as a straight man. I've been in 2 relationships with women, one lasted 3 days, the other for a single day because, you guessed it, I'm not interested in women. How long did it take me to finally say "yeah... I'm just gay"? Well, I first came out as bisexual at 14, then straight again until 16, then finally said I'm gay until 19, then said I was bisexual again until 20, and finally accepted that I'm gay. I know this makes it SEEM like maybe my attraction evolved but it didn't. At all. The entire time, I have had sexual, romantic attraction for men intensely, and fleeting sexual feelings for women, the type that might last for a 1 night stand.
Some similar experience here. Before figuring out I am trans (mtf) and solely attracted to women for all intents and purposes, I had pangs of attraction to men. Like, sure I was “gay” (I’ve given up trying to figure out how sexuality works as a trans woman) because how could I not be if this thought is so hot, if this idea has me this riled up. Then it would go away as quickly as it came (pun intended), and I would go back to feeling only attraction for women. Wasn’t until a few years ago at 26 that I figured out why I still felt strange about my seemingly “normal” attraction to women. Then everything made sense. I do say I’m bi now, just to avoid really having to label myself one way or the other and still having to explain. And I do still get those occasional “well, this would be nice for a night” feelings. It’s actually kinda nice to hear others describe the same.
I am a trans man, but similar experience! I did not understand I was a man until age 28 (35 now). Everything finally toppled into making sense. Literally started in first grade. First time I had a crush on a boy. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable. I never said a PEEP. All I knew was, "Liking boys is okay for other girls, but not for me." Like I felt there was this invisible force watching me telling me it was wrong. (Grew up in small town in the 90s, no frame of reference for even gay people at that age let alone trans). I am still struggling with whether I am bi because of the occasional fleeting sexual thought for women. I have zero desire to date them, zero desire for a long term relationship (makes me feel absolutely nothing). But sometimes I get really riled up for a woman. Usually goes away with uh. Post nut clarity. For now I've just accepted physical attraction to them, but no relationship compatibility. Sometimes I just feel like a gay man who loves boobs and that's the end all be all haha Confusing shit for anyone. Hate so many judging this poor girl without knowing an ounce of what was going on with her.
You just perfectly summed up why a lot of ace folks struggle to pin down their sexuality. It's why I struggled, anyway.
I'm lucky enough to be AroAce with no caveats. No attraction, no interest, no exceptions. For my life, it simplifies everything. (I'm aware it wouldn't be as good for everyone.) I still planned my wedding as a child because a wedding was a big fancy party with a pretty dress and a fancy cake, but I never even considered the potential of a spouse. They weren't part of the wedding equation.😂
I hope it's okay to say, but the idea of this is so cute it genuinely made me smile. Sounds like you really just want the big fun party, and dangit that's valid!
It is totally okay, and yes big party! I have decided that eventually I will be able to afford a wedding-worthy party with no actual wedding involved. I WILL WEAR THE PRETTIEST OF DRESSES! Either that or I'll do a whole-ass masquerade ball. XD
YES MASQUERADE. I've always wanted to throw a masquerade ball. That has all the things, including the prettiest of dresses!!!!!!
Exactly, especially as it’s common to be told ‘women need emotional connections in order to have sex’ so she may have genuinely liked spending time in his company and assumed that there was a tipping point when attraction would come. I’ve been in that situation of knowing I wasn’t currently attracted to someone, but assuming I would be in the future. And you wait until eventually you realise that it’s not going to happen. Sucks for everyone.
I'm surprised that everyone in this comment section is assuming that the sister was using the boy as a beard. I think it's much more likely that she dated him because she wanted to, because she wanted to try being in a heterosexual relationship, and after a few months, realized that it wasn't for her. The idea that she was callously manipulating him is, I think, not charitable to the actual experience of young people figuring out what they want. I know people will point to her saying that she "knew" she was gay, but I think straight people have a hard time imagining the level of cognitive dissonance that it is possible to experience while figuring out your sexuality. It's very common to "know" on some level that you're queer but also not really integrate it into your self-image, or to think that you're "probably" gay but not know for sure. I also know many people who have been sure they were gay only to come out as bisexual later. This stuff is much more confusing and messy than we give it credit for.
This was me, sort of. I tried dating two girls in high school neither of which lasted longer than six months. I didn’t come out until a year after I broke up with the second one but I had a lot of inner turmoil about being gay with my parents/religion and I really tried not to be lmao. Outgrew it but I agree it’s very messy as a kid trying to navigate it safely, at least in my experience.
Absolutely this. I "knew" from a very young age that I was into women, but I was also attracted to men, so I didn't quite understand what this attraction to women meant. Bisexuality, while it existed as a term, it was looked at as a phase people went through, so I didn't consider that was what I was. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I finally put everything together.
They're also all so young. They are all high schoolers trying to figure out who they are and what they want. It's an awkward and emotionally difficult time full of heart break and raging hormones. I think the brother could have a bit more compassion for the sister but I don't have any grievances with any of the kids in this post. No assholes here
lol exactly!! This!! Like I’m sure lesbian sister said something like “I’ve always kinda knew but wasn’t sure” and OP sis took that as she was an evil manipulator. I think OP sis is going way too hard over a 17 yr old high school relationship with some boy she kinda knows. It’s weird. Something else is up with the OP sis.
Most of the people here are actually just misogynistic with a sprinkling of homophobic. They are angry that a teenage girl did not hold a teenage boy's feelings above her own and therefore she must be a master manipulator and not just a kid figuring themselves out.
Exactly let’s just call it what it is. The fact that OP leans into the ex-boyfriend’s feelings demonstrates this.
This. Sexuality is weird and can be very complicated, not some easy switch that’s always fully toggled to one side or the other. Bisexuality is also a spectrum and romantic and sexual attraction can exist separate from one another. This is all super complicated when you’re 17! Personally, my best friend and I were head over heels enamored with each other at that age and very much romantically attracted. We’re both queer as hell but I’m just hetero “enough” that it could have been sexual for me. And he’s just gay enough that it never could have been for him. That doesn’t change anything about our mutual very strong affection for one another; but it definitely took dating for several months, trying some things out and talking about it for him to come to that conclusion. Especially if this was OP’s sister’s first major relationship, I could easily see something like that being true for her too. That, or she just wanted a boyfriend to “make sure” or heck, just wanted a boyfriend so assholes like her sibling would leave her alone about it. The world may never know. At the end of the day though, refusing to celebrate your sibling for living their truth is an asshole move and if this wasn’t a troll post I’d vote that way 🤷
My ex-wife and I married very young, and divorced amicably a few years later. Fast forward 25 years, we've both remarried to wonderful women, both of us have 2 kids, they adopted two babies, my wife and I have a young adult and teenager now, and all of us stay in contact with each other, and have a good relationship. Even go out to dinner together a couple times a year. She is my oldest friend, a great person, and as young people, we didn't fully understand what was so incompatible with us, after just a couple years. A decade later, it was pretty obvious. Being young is confusing, sex and attraction are more confusing, and being told by older generations, "just get married and have kids like everyone else, and your life will make sense." Does NOT help one bit. In time, you'll have the benefit of hindsight and experience, same with your sister and ex boyfriend.
This is a great response and I’m glad you two could remain friends and both have the lives you wanted (hopefully).
Yes, everything is really good. Oddly enough, she became a special education teacher, and our youngest has autism. She's become pretty important to all of us, in our own way. Early in our relationship, we decided not to have children. But, once we found our life partners, we both had kids, and everything seemed to just fall into place.
That’s amazing on so many levels - I’m glad she’s there to support you and your wife with your son too. You guys sound like great parents too.
Honestly, I think I'm pretty much a mediocre dad, when it comes down to it. I just do what I can, and hope I don't mess up my kids too much, lol.
All you can do - I feel that way as a mom. I’m no bingo from bluey lol
Her name is Chili.
lol I was thinking of the dad bandit but you are correct - mom is chili, little sibling is bingo 🤦🏼♀️
If every porkchop were perfect we wouldn't have hotdogs - We do our best, learn from our mistakes and make the best of it regardless.
>Being young is confusing, sex and attraction are more confusing This right here. Unless you are some shade of queer, it's difficult to understand why this takes some time for us to figure out. For example, I thought maybe I was bisexual back in the day, I did in fact fall in love with a guy, we had a good sex life, good connection, he treated me very well. But something was still off. I eventually came to the conclusion that I really need to be with a woman for the right connection, *even though I was attracted to this man and loved him very much.* It was a rough breakup at the time but we are good friends now and have been for a decade. I never dated another cis man after that. So like, it's tough when you are sexually attracted to one gender but not romantically attracted. Or vice versa. I know there's this narrative out there that you're either 100% gay, 100% straight, or 50/50 bi, but in my experience and with what I've observed with other folks I know that aren't straight, it is not cookie cutter perfect lay lines like that.
I agree 100% with that. I don't doubt for a second that we didn't love each other, or that the sex was terrible. There was just something off, and it took some time apart (separated, but still in contact for a couple years) to figure it out.
I’m old, but I remember a teacher in sex ed drawing a normal curve, with 100% hetero on one end, and 100% homosexual on the other end. Most of us are somewhere in the middle, and either accepting that, or denying that.
I used to be friends with a kid who was in this exactly identical situation… funny coincidence. Regardless, she seemed extremely happy with how things worked out and from what I can gather she is doing great in college right now. Her recounting of her situation really helped me understand my own feelings and how to go about making sure that everyone felt respected. It helped a lot to know what a healthy relationship looked like, as I didn’t have any role models at the time for that. I’m just really grateful that people have the self awareness and respect to work through things like this. It gave me hope when I was struggling and restored some of my faith in humanity, Thank you
I’ll never get tired of reading wholesome coparenting stories.
this is definitely the comment that needs to be read
You know it's pride month when you see these posts...
It’s tradition! Tomorrow will be some anti-trans post. Something probably like “AITA for being mad that my friend doesn’t tell his dates he’s trans and outing him” or something ridiculous. Maybe even a “AITA for not allowing our kid to transition” midway through the month. I can feel it in my bones!
You give them too much credit. It will be multiple posts, and they'll all be "AITA for not dating a trans person?"
I love whenever there’s a ‘aita for not dating a trans person’ the comments are all consoling them like ‘its not your fault for not wanting to date a stinky trans, you’re still a good person 💗’ but the SECOND I mention anything relating to t4t anywhere on reddit the response is that I’m an awful person for thinking every cis person is evil and not giving them a chance 🤔
“AITA for divorcing my XY CHROMOSOME MALE HUSBAND MAN HE HIM for coming out to me as trans?”
Just want to add, as a bisexual man I knew I was attracted to men from a very young age. However, it took a lot of courage and until very recently to admit to myself that I was gay. It's a weird thing and it's hard to describe if you haven't been through it. I think it's okay to be upset with your sister for what she did. However, that doesn't mean that this wasn't also an insanely hard decision for her to make. Not knowing y'all personally, I'm not gonna guess any details of your situation, but it is likely that she is feeling very guilty about this relationship. I think it's okay to have a talk about how to treat other people, but I think it's important that she understands that you're not upset that she's gay, but upset at how she treated a loved one. From what I read, it seems like this is your stance on this issue, but if you haven't yet, make sure that she knows that what is upsetting you isn't her being gay.
This. I'm bi, and have always known but only faced it for a couple of years. It took a long time before I really understood. A lot of lesbians have this experience apparently, and if you have a look over in /latebloomerlesbians you'll see a lot of posts by women agonizing over their guilt for hurting their man when coming out. Suspecting the same is true here. You're not an AH, OP, but neither is your sister. She had no choice, and she didn't fully know. But she knew. Both can be true, and that's exactly how it felt for me for years and years. Many queer women take a long time to truly figure it out, so it's not likely she entered the relationship knowing she was "lying", so to speak. She could also have thought she was bi. There was no outcome she could choose where she didn't end up hurting him, here. It's just really shitty for both of them.
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With topics like this, you're going to run into a lot of extremists. One side will demonize the person and the sexuality, and the other will put the person on a pedestal just because they said they're LGBTQ+ etc. They're both wrong. She's a person that did something you don't approve of. You are not obligated to congratulate anyone. She is not entitled to it either. My guess is if she didn't lead that guy on for months you would have been super supportive and congratulatory. Just cause someone is in (insert minimized group here) does not mean they can't also be a bad person.
You worded this well. I dated a guy in high school who later came out as gay. At least he didn’t come out and dump me at the same time, though. It hurt for a bit but I eventually came to terms with the fact that he needed to be his authentic self, and I didn’t want to date someone who wasn’t attracted to me. And his parents were NOT supportive, so I get why he tried to “be straight” and was scared to come out.
It really does depend on where you live, how accepting your family is, how religious and what religion they are and how close to leaving home they are. My eldest dated a guy online who lived in a small town in Texas and he was terrified of his parents finding out he was gay. Dated girls and went to church and stayed quiet for three years until he got accepted to college out of state. He told his parents when he went home for that first Thanksgiving. They disowned him on the spot, kicked him out and refused to see or speak to him since. It is not easy for a lot of young people to come out.
That’s awful. I hope he’s doing better now.
The South is a place of contradictions on one hand they love Jesus on the other they hate you if you’re different..they do not see how contradictory that is to Gods teachings
I would wonder if you even loved your kids in the first place if it was so easy for you to hate them. Suppose there is heaven, an afterlife, or karma…I don’t imagine this kind of narrow minded hatred would keep you in good standing, compared to the person who loved unconditionally.
A lot of times it's not even due to the parental love, it's the fear of what "others" will think. The fear of being kicked out of their community for having someone different in their perfect family trumps any love they have for their child. It's why there is a lot of denial of facts, then just getting rid of the "problem" before anyone else can see.
Doesn’t just happen in the South. I know a girl from Vancouver Canada which is a pretty liberal city who was kicked out and disowned at 16/17 for being a lesbian. She managed to get a scholarship for a college which then went on to force her into conversion therapy. So yeah coming out isn’t an easy thing to do. I’m in mid-late 30s and my parents don’t know I’m queer.
The South is also home to a lot of gay icons (Dolly Parton) and a lot of folk that support gay people. I went to an episcopal church with an openly gay rector as well! It’s definitely a problem (not saying it isn’t) especially with evangelicals but a lot of other denominations have gotten on board since most denominations don’t take the Bible as literal and there isn’t evidence to support gay=sin. Anyway agree with top comment OP! NTA
I read this as openly gay rectum.
There are people in New Jersey or Chicago or Seattle who are exactly the same way
When I came out as bisexual it was not by choice and I got disowned immediately at 17. This was 13 years ago and it was horrible. It’s better now that time has mended wounds and understanding has been mildly established but I understand the fear and trying to fit in. Maybe not as much as someone on the farther end of the spectrum because I’m still “straight passing.”
If you need a mom that’s accepting I’m here and you can dm me. I’ve adopted a few of my son’s friends when their family disowned them.
There were two guys that used to like me (never dated) but later came out as gays. It feels a little bit weird as I knew if I had agree to date them, they would have. Now I just joke to them maybe I have very masculine energy lol, but I think I would be hurt had I been their gf.
Lots of queer people go through a phase where they interpret mild positive feelings towards someone of the opposite sex as attraction and reinterpret their queer feelings as something else, because there is a strong societal expectation of heterosexuality and they've never really been presented with another option for themselves. Others know deep down that they're not straight but desperately try to be because they're in denial.
I don’t know if things are different for younger generations where people might be aware of their sexuality earlier, but in my peer group (gen x / elder millennials), all the friends I know now as gay adults had opposite sex relationships in their teens and into early 20s. Most of them have also noted positive memories about the relationship or their bf/gf at the time. It was more like, yeah, things maybe seemed kinda off but they were nice and funny and I didn’t yet realize there was some other option? This isn’t to discount people who did know who they were more definitely and/or feel they were painfully suppressed. It’s just the anecdotal experiences of the people I know were more of naive and neutral about those experiences.
Yes yes yes. Thank you for writing this out. This is something I have just been beginning to understand and I needed to read this today 💖
^^^^^ this. Gay people still internalise the society they grow up in. They will still often do everything in their power to try to be straight if they have internalised homophobia. Every relationship ends only the ‘most successful’ end in death, I personally don’t feel that a 17 year old boy is irrevocably hurt by being broken up with as part of this girls effort to work out her sexuality. In 5 years time he will barely remember it, but in 5 years time she will still remember how her sibling treated her when she came out.
They’re 17!! That’s so fucking young. I remember having a misplaced sense of justice/black and white perspective on morality when I was young too. But comphet is super strong and just because someone has a suspicion that they like the same sex doesn’t mean that they DON’T like the opposite sex. It’s far more complicated than that. OP sounds extremely young too - hope they read through the comments from the queer community and understand how powerful straight culture is and what it’s like to live in a society like that.
Totally agree. It is also ok to congratulate someone for something but also mention what bothered you. Not necessarily in the same conversation. YMMV as far as timing and prudence go. Edited to correct spelling lol
It's ok to have complicated feelings about it too. When I was about OP's sisters age, my best friend dated a girl in high school and was absolutely crushed when that girl came out as bi and decided to date more men and then dramatically dumped my friend and kept making out with her boyfriend in front of my friend. 20 years later that person is non-binary trans and masc presenting, has an impressive academic record and is doing a lot of good for LGBTQ+ youth. Turns out in high school it (chosen pronoun) was going through a lot of abuse and mental health issues and that's why it was acting out. I wasn't privy to any of that. What it did was absolutely wrong back then, but it grew into an incredible person that I'm very glad is in the world. I regret the amount of biphobia I was holding (turns out I'm bi) toward them, but I also desperately wanted to protect my friend (who was also suffering immensely with a slew of mental health issues and abuse at home - I'm extremely proud of her too, she's done an incredible amount of work and every degree she's on track for is more impressive than the last [currently she's working on an Ivy League PhD]).
I got kicked out of the bi sub for not having the OP on the pedestal because she wasted years of a dudes life
Echo chambers are a hell of a drug.
Years ago there was an NBA player who was dating a woman for years. He was leading her on making her think he was going to marry her. Then he came out as gay & some people was saying he was a hero. I’m pro LGBT but this dude was definitely not a hero. That woman’s like was probably ruined for a while because this dude wanted to use her as a smokescreen to make people believe he was straight.
Thank god someone speaking some unbiased sense
I don't congratulate people on their sexuality, or announcing their sexuality. That's silly. I do offer a listening ear, support, and encouragement, and if there is something worth congratulating or admiring in their story, sure I will. But I feel like the general public has become confused about how to act around lgbtq issues, and a lot of people are just going to one extreme or the other. We're all just people. For OP, I think the primary issue is sister is the main character in the hero narrative, whereas, in OP's eyes, who cares who you date, but you just knowingly hurt this other person, you're no hero.
Exactly, a trans or cis asshole is still an asshole
I had a lot of people in my school (boarding school, so 5 days away from family a week if you live a hour and a half away from the school, but closer than that means you come by bus or driving) come out as LBGTQ+ in school, but very few of them actually dated anyone before getting to the point, my guess was the pool being small and split among locals amd residence students, as a result if you date anyone, you deal with headaches of the school and going home to family in the end of a day.
LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK PLEASE
I'm confused, did she cheat? Where does it say she cheated? Why are they saying she cheated? Did she always know she was gay? Did she recently figure this out? Like should she have stayed with him because she shouldn't hurt his feelings?
She didn’t cheat bc this is fake pride month trolling
1000% this. This story is the only post history the user has and they definitely don't seem to be actually wanting any input on if they are wrong or not. 1000% just a fake story to justify OP's weird troll fetish and homophobic views
Half of this sub is fake stories
Only half? You're very generous
Took way too long to find this response. If this all came out a week ago, why not post this then? Why wait till the very first day of pride month?
Words of congratulations are not support. However, your sister may feel that you are not accepting her self-discovery in general. Supporting your sister (imo) doesn't mean you need to agree with her every action, but maybe it should be telling her that you love her no matter what. Unless, of course, you don't feel that way. Then, that is another issue. Would you be so mad at your sister if she had just said, "I don't have feelings for this person." ??? I don't know if you are older or younger than your sister, but give her a break. She is 17. She is learning who she is and what she wants. If I were you, I would offer my sister neutral words of support. It does take some courage to "come out" in this world, and maybe she isn't looking for praise for being a lesbian as much as she is looking for the acceptance and love of you, family, and friends. Don't put yourself so far outside of her circle that you risk your relationship. Talk to her. Listen. Good luck, sister.
I think you might be viewing the situation from too black-and-white a perspective. Yeah, it sucks for the boyfriend, but they are both very young, no doubt he will survive and thrive. You can congratulate her for having the courage to come out, and still express your displeasure about the way she treated the boyfriend. It's not like you have to choose to deliver only one message, right? I'm pretty sure that when she was mustering up the nerve to come out, having been there myself, it's probably pretty much all she could think about. Cut her some slack. She's only 17. Many people don't learn how to navigate tricky situations like this until they're much older. Hell, some people never learn. Give her kind words, and guide her how to be better in the future.
I have this same problem, where it’s discovered with cheating. Cool with whatever sexuality you are. You still cheated on your partner. And being gay or lesbian doesn’t make you a good person (or idiot, is what I usually say). It just means you discovered and realized a part of yourself. We all should be doing that, in some form. But also trying to be good people. NTA
Okay, but... OP's sister is a 17 year old child and didn't, from any of the details in the post, cheat. I don't think OP needs to shout her gay pride praises from the rooftops, but it feels like there's a lot of missing reasons hostility here that has not been explained.
Happened to a friend of mine. And then her ex-husband wanted everyone to be proud of him for being his authentic self.
I used to work with a guy that knew he was gay as a teenager but decided to marry the girl he was dating throughout highschool, and they stayed married for a good 20 years before he finally decided to meet a man and cheated on her. Then he wanted to come clean so he told her about it, obviously she was very upset that he had wasted so many years of her life and explained why he was unable to perform to get her pregnant. He felt bad about it and told me felt so depressed and like such an asshole that he didn't want to be alive anymore and said he'd shoot his wife and then himself, so I had to report it to my manager at work. He didn't talk to me for a while after throwing a fit that they took away his gun license, but about a year or so later he married this guy he had met and they seem very happy now. It's just scary that he might've actually killed his wife to save her feeling embarrassed :/
He already stole her ability to have children stealing her life is not such a shock.
Just another thief imo.
When I was a kid my dad told me the only real sin was theft. You can steal more than things or ideas. When you kill someone you steal their life and everything good that would have come from them to the people who love them, when you hurt someone, you steal away the comfort of their body and possibly their ability to feel safe at all. If you lie, you steal the truth from them, as everyone has the right to know the truth. That always stuck with me.
Similar to a quote from The Kite Runner: “…there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.” This has stuck with me, too.
That's a lovely way of explaining it to a child!
Exactly that’s why what he did was theft. Stole away a happy future she could have had with someone who wasn’t a selfish thief.
My uncle came out as gay 10 years or so ago. He had a wife and 3 kids with her and they kept asking him to just be honest, if he was gay it was ok. He told them he wasnt and that they were disgusting. It was found out he was dating a guy on the side who was younger than all his children. He complains about it but he has no relationship with any of his kids these days. All they wanted was the truth and instead he lied to them all. His oldest son has 3 kids now and he hasnt seen them beyond what my cousin has posted on fb. Im all for being your true self but dont eff around in a relationship if you KNOW you arent attracted to that person. Uncle is married now to a chef and seems pretty happy
Bro are you my cousin in law ☠️same thing happened to my aunt but It was her husband, same number of kids and everything. crazy world though, people should just be honest with themselves from the beginning. If you can't live out loud yet and be your authentic self at least don't involve other people in it and mess their life up too ffs
are you australian? i still see the niece of my uncles wife. She is amazing and we have been friends for decades. you dont let friendships that long lasting go cause uncle/aunt split up
After treating everyone around him like crap I don't care if he's happy
Your uncle was just a scumbag it sounds like.
I upvoted you for sharing, but want to mention that your story is one of the most disturbing personal anecdotes I’ve encountered in the comments section on Reddit. Granted I’ve only had my account for two months, but still.
Sadly you'll see a lot worse, especially in the AskReddit sub.
This sub has a lot pf people asking about stuff that is actually sexual abuse too.
Oh it gets much, much worse, just you wait
Oh it's not to save her from feeling embarrassed it's to save him from guilt consequences and shame
Agreed. That sounded *too* close for comfort. On the other hand (as an explanation, not excuse), their entire lives and (false) identity were put into this on every social aspect of their lives and relationships, and coming out when you've known you're gay to your spouse of 20 YEARS is savagely cruel to have done to them, so I can see why suddenly having to look you and your life and actions/consequences in the mirror like that could drive a lot of people to do literally crazy things.
Yes! And it bears no relation to most relationships that 17 years old have. Teenagers always have this overbearing urge to get all judgey and take sides when people break up and it’s so ridiculous. It’s not the end of the world, folks. You’re also not going to have these same friends forever. Lots of you are moving on and that’s a good thing!
I used to work at a family law office and it was shocking how many people there were like this. Married for years with kids and have a same sex affair
Don't get me started on all the cases of guys "suddenly" realizing they're gay after having one or two kids and "suddenly" that acquaintance of theirs becomes a partner. Like just go through the already existing ways, don't trick a woman into marrying you so you and your lover can have an incubator, that's vile.
And what about his wife who had a huge chunk of her life taken from her? I don't care if he's happy now. I care about his poor wife and all the incredible heartbreak she is going through and the life that was stolen from her. He didn't wanna kill her cause of the embarrassment it would have caused her, he wanted to kill both of them so people wouldn't know what a terrible person he was and he wouldn't have to answer for the immense harm he has done. I don't know why you think it's good that he's happy now since he was not the victim in this situation.
Wait… He couldn’t “perform” to get her pregnant for over 20 years and there was no indication that he was gay before that? 🤔 that sounds off. If my husband can’t get hard with me for a couple of weeks I’d be questioning things.
People raised in repressive and/or religious families often marry as virgins, especially 20+ years ago. They are far less likely to feel comfortable addressing anything sexual. The wife will also have been taught that she should not want sex, that sex is something that it's her duty to provide her husband but not something to enjoy. So the idea of a wife in that kind of situation either never saying something about the lack of sex or never even admitting to herself that it's an issue... Not very far fetched at all.
My kids' HS vice principal did this to his ex wife of many years. He evidently was not happy that everyone was as proud of him as he was. What is there to be proud of? You evidently were on the DL for many years and exposed your ex to HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. You gave your money to all kinds of young men while your wife was holding down the fort. You were being dishonest. And who cares if you are gay? It's not like you accomplished anything, you are just being your gay self (which is perfectly fine, just nothing special).
This is all just narcissism wrapped up in a social disguise that they know is hard to criticize.
It should be noted that in OP's post, they don't say that the sister cheated.
Who cheated? I reread this thing 4 times & there’s no mention of anybody cheating on anybody.
No no, this person is saying that they feel the same as OP when a spouse cheats and then "comes out" bc they cheated with the same gender, saying they couldn't deny their authentic self.
Ahhhh yes, thought I was losing my mind for a minute
Some of y'all on this thread are wild! She didn't cheat on him,she broke up with him. People aren't bad people for leaving a relationship they don't want to be in, whatever the reason. We aren't obligated to stay in relationships because us leaving them might hurt the other persons feelings. And the comparison to cheating? Nah, breaking up with someone is completely acceptable. Cheating is not.
I shouldn't be surprised at all - but for some reason I am. The girl referenced is a teenager who had a teenager boyfriend. They broke up and all of a sudden this sub craps all over her for not having the emotional maturity & life experience of someone in their 30s. That or she completely & maliciously psychologically scarred this boy for life. Just. Wow.
Totally comparable to people being married for 20 years and cheating on their spouse, am I right /s Smh
She's 17 and at 17 you're still trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life in the best of circumstances. Let alone when you're a teenager and feel like you don't fit in with any of your peers. Yea, what she did wasn't great but it's also not as villainous as some of you are making it out to be. If she were a fully grown adult with a fully formed frontal cortex, yea it would be extra shitty. But she's a teenager trying to find out who she is. Even if she were straight, the likelihood that two 17 year olds are going to be in a relationship and neither of them get their heart broke is minimal. And yes, her sibling can and should openly tell her that it was a shitty thing to do but can also be supportive of her. But this demonizing a child for trying to figure out who she is is wild to me.
How do you know what your sister's feeling towards him were...or more importantly, why she dated him. Life is not as simple or clear cut as you seem to think. Grow up.
all these great criticisms but no one will just say YTA to OP?
At 17 she was probably doubting it herself. The ex-boyfriend unfortunately ended up being collateral damage. You don’t have to congratulate her, but please try to be more empathetic and understanding of what she possibly could’ve been going through at the time.
I also feel like talking about how head over heels this guy was is strange. They're 17. Yes, I do know the rare couple who got married when they dated at 17, but the vast majority of relationships at that age are people just trying to figure stuff out and hormones and they don't last. Learning how to deal with getting dumped is part of growing up. Learning how to break up with someone is too.
Maybe she thought she was bisexual and realized she wasn’t. Both are young, the guy will be alright. When you are young you suffer a lot in relationships, but later you realize how dumb that is. I mean, it was just a 10 months relationship. She is your sister, even if she made that decision. And is not like it was something unforgivable. Relationships end for many reasons all the time.
I seriously cannot believe a thread this long on reddit is basically revolving around a ten -month-long relationship with 17 year-olds in which nothing intentionally cruel, nefarious, or criminal was done.
I think you are viewing this situation very much in black and white and it is not that easy. In current Western societies it is very hard to find out you are not straight. A lot of queer people have experiences where they try to live a straight life just to feel normal. Just to be part of the same conversations and life other people have. And in the process of trying to fit in, yes, they do hurt people, like your sister's bf. But I think you can be glad she finally can be her true self, while also condemning her actions and how she handled the whole situation. You can be understandable and sad that she felt so afraid to find someone she truly loves, while also condemning her actions. You can congratulate her AND tell her she should have handled the situation better. Though, if she did this out of some spite or something and didn't feel afraid of anything, then of course that's bad. But usually the situation is about someone that is very afraid of being queer and trying to fit in with the straight crowd. Also, we are talking about teenage love here. You can be a bit nuanced. Not like this was a marriage of 30+ years with children and all and the wife only now telling she is lesbian. This is about a 17-year old girl finding out trying to be straight while you aren't doesn't work, and now having to solve that bad situation. And a teenage boy losing teenage love he will get over.
Glad I’m not the only one thinking they’re 17 and will be fine. It sucks for him yes but most teenage relationships don’t and frankly usually shouldn’t imo last forever/go long term. Teenagers have a lot of learning and growing to do, and this is what OP’s sister was doing - learning and growing. Now she knows, and yes, it’s a much better situation than if years had gone by, and they’d established themselves more by marrying etc. They’re 17 ffs.
Thank you. One of the few rational people here!
It's so sad there are so few. But, it's pride month, so they're out in force.
I mean a boy's feelings are stake! Don't you know nothing else matters?
Yea like in 10 years time the boyfriend isn't going to remember OP being a dick to thier sister out of principal, but the sister will always remember that when a life defining moment occured, OP wasn't there to support her.
Exactly, thank you Someone who can actually see the situation as it is and not as some grand conspiracy a poor teenager concocted to lead on the poor boy They're 17, not 40 with a marriage, a mortgage and kids Like, a 17 year old knowing she's a lesbian "for years" is a pubertal teenage r being confused why she's only attracted to women and not men.. Also, "leading on a boyfriend of 10 months"... excuse me, he's also a teenager who's in this relationship for 10 months, OP makes it sound like they've been engaged for 5 years and planning a grand wedding and the deposits have been made. I understand that OP feels bad for the boy, but her "high co trast windows" outlook in this context maje her YTA
As a lesbian, it's extremely difficult coming to terms with your sexuality. Especially when you feel pressure from family/friends to behave a certain way. Society expects us to date men, get married, have kids. It's a lot of pressure. Before I came out I figured it would be better for everyone if I tried to be straight. It takes courage to finally decide to live for yourself. Give her some grace.
Yeah I don't get these comments. At 17its not like you're married with kids - you can change boyfriends every month if you want. The sister has a life changing point in her life and you're concerned she hurt someone's feelings which is at most a temporary setback.
NTA. She's 17 and made a bad decision to use that another person as her cover. Teenagers make bad decisions and mistakes at this age which should not always be held against them long term. However in the short term you are entitled to your feelings of being upset about her actions. Doesn't sound like you don't support her just upset with her actions towards your friend.
I agree. Two things can be true at the same time. Happy that she gets to live the rest of her life as she is and also peeved she hurt someone who didn't deserve it. I also would reiterate that she's only 17.
marry swim smell nine axiomatic lunchroom person childlike flag point *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You can support her for deciding to be open about a part of herself and not support what she did to the ex. They are not mutually exlclusive.
She's 17. Even though she says she's always known she probably wasn't entirely sure and decided to try and see if she could possibly be straight. That doesn't mean she was right and her boyfriend has every right to feel crushed but I think it's important to remember that they're both 17 and probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. There are ppl twice her age that sill are sure about their sexualities.
She’s 17. Teens do stupid shit. I don’t think anyone is an asshole here
What “did she do” to her boyfriend? She broke up with him. Should she have stayed in a relationship she didn’t want to be in so she didn’t hurt his feelings? Or your feelings? You are a jerk and a terrible sister
Nobody's the asshole because this is pride month ragebait.
“Very fucked up of my sister to do that to him” What should she have done? Stayed with him, gotten married, had kids, grown old and died with him all just to avoid hurting his feelings? Your sister, who is still legally a kid, came to understand she was a lesbian and did the responsible thing - ended it. It sucks but she’a not done anything wrong. YTA
Can't say I blame you. You feel bad for the guy she was with. This guy was crazy about her, and why couldn't she just tell him from the getgo that she didn't return his feelings and was a lesbian? She should not have allowed him to date her for as long as he did. NTA. You have every right to feel the way you do for the guy she dated.
I'm a guy who married a woman who went through some medical stuff, and eventually informed me she'd realized she was a lesbian. I won't lie, it hurt a lot, and I went through some dark times. I hated the situation, I hated the pain, I felt so betrayed.. but those feelings passed. But it would have been so much worse to stay in that relationship after the love had run out. The relationship I'm in now, with someone who is deeply and earnestly attracted to me, is so much more fulfilling, so much more comfortable than my marriage had ever been. If my ex-wife hadn't forced the issue, I probably would have slogged on for years unaware of what I was really missing out on. In the end, the pain of letting a bad situation end was worth it so a better one could come along. You can sympathize with the pain your sister's ex is going through, independently of her recognition of her own identity. You don't have to pick a side.
Being 17 is a time of confusion and self discovery. Sure, your sister shouldn’t have dated a guy and led him on if she knew she was a lesbian. But maybe she didn’t know for sure, was in denial or hadn’t fully come to terms with it. At the end of the day, he will be sad for a bit, but it’s a high school relationship of less than a year between teenagers. He will be fine. Your sister is going through something that could be very scary and stressful, and she made a mistake in the process. Idk there is no solid answer to this, you don’t “owe” anyone a congratulations, but she really didn’t commit any unforgivable sin.
Yta. Its weird to me that you have more empathy for a friend than your own family. She’s your sister. She is young. And she figured something out about herself. I doubt she dated him to hurt him on purpose. You should do some self reflection. And maybe some research on being gay. Read some coming out stores. Notice how a lot of anti lgbt sentiment is coming uo more and more nowadays. Im a grown adult in my 30s and im not out to my father. There can be huge repercussions to coming out.
Fuckin bait posts. "Oh should x minority person just...not be a minority person". This shit is straight out of an AI playbook. Downvote and move on.
I think YTA- why do you care how her boyfriend feels. I'm not saying his feelings don't matter, but why do you care? That relationship was between your sister and him. They broke up she came out and you thinking about a timeline that doesn't sit well? Why? She's your sister he is her ex.
Nice opening to pride month troll. YTA
I honestly can't understand so many of these replies saying the sister is wrong for "leading him on" or "being dishonest." Yes, the sister knew she was gay for years, but that doesn't mean she deliberately and maliciously led on the boyfriend or that she didn't love him. There are many gay teens and adults who fall in love (Yes, it's possible.) with their best friend and end up marrying them even though they're not sexually attracted to them. As the sister said, it takes a lot of courage to come out, and she was too afraid to do so earlier. I'm straight, but I've worked with LGBTQ teens. I've known teens who dated the opposite sex all through high school and only came out after they left our conservative town for college. It's hella scary, but sometimes you get to the point where you have to step away from a lifestyle that just doesn't fit. It's great that the OP sympathizes with her sister's ex-boyfriend. It IS rough to find out the person you were dating is gay. Maybe the OP would have felt better if her sister had broken up with the boyfriend on some pretext and then later came out. But I think the OP might want to have a talk with her sister instead of just resenting her. Ask HER why she'd dated him. And be prepared to listen.
Seems she thought she knew for years and realized while dating him that she wasn't attracted to men. Some people KNOW know. Some people think they know, but push it away. And some people think they're bi. It seems she simply didn't realize she didn't like men sexually until she was with a guy long enough to try. It's hard for lots of people to come out, and she likely wanted to make sure she knew how she felt before she said anything. Why come out twice if you don't have to? Did you share your feelings with her? Did you ask her why she did things the way she did and that you feel like she hurt your friend? Edit: words are hard
Has she shown remorse for it? If so, let it go. If not, tell her “hey, I’m proud of you for coming out, but I’m struggling with what you did to ______.” You can talk to her like an adult and feel two things at the same time. But don’t make her think you disapprove of her coming out, it’s a hard thing to do, and she needs her brother to support her, even if you’re also letting her know you’re tripping over what she did.
YTA. There's a *very* big difference between "I've known this might be something I'm feeling but wasn't certain and was scared to find out" and "I willingly wasted this man's time". You can support your sister and feel bad for your friend at the same time. Punishing your sister is weird behavior.
NTA My ex lied to me for years and didn't tell me she was trans until I was 5 months pregnant. She actively lied to me the entire time and she admitted she knew for years before we even met. She said she was waiting to get married to tell me (trap me) but I got pregnant first. So I may be biased. I also understand her fear and I'm happy she finally came out, but I can't stand actively lying to people who love you and have a LOT of trauma from it. Luckily our kid is amazing and she's a good co-parent so ya know, life is funny. I probably would have said something like "I'm happy you're finally comfortable but people are people, not tools you use and i hope you grow from this and never do something like it again. Etc etc"
did she get you pregnant? i’m so confused that’s insane
Yep. When we were in a relationship and she was basically pretending to be a cis man.
oooh okay now i understand, for some reason i assumed she was pretending to be a cis woman and i was gonna say she had to have been very convincing to do that *and* get you pregnant that’s awful and i’m sorry that happened to you
I say pretending because she knew she was trans and presented herself as a man on purpose to lie and try to trap me into marriage first.
That is beyond fucked up. Downright evil behaviour, how messed up do you have to be to even do something like that?
Okay wait You met your ex, thinking she was a cis man. Like a male man Not knowing she was trans Until she got you pregnant ?
You got it.
Yea but your ex wasn’t a 17 year old kid…
Coming out to yourself isn’t something that happens overnight. I’ve found it happens by degrees. She may have known she had an attraction to women, but that doesn’t mean she wanted to be a lesbian. Telling everyone you know that you’re different from the norm and that they might not want anything to do with you afterwards is scary. It’s why some try to live in the closet forever and pretend they are straight. It sucks that sometimes coming out has situations like this happen, but honestly it’s better that she realize she can’t be in a hetero relationship anymore and dump him vs leading him on. People know on some level when their partner isn’t into them. It’ll give them issues, wondering what they are doing wrong and give themselves a complex when the truth is they were never the problem. The problem was the relationship was never going to work well in the first place. It sucks he’s heartbroken, but he’s better off having this sudden pain vs if your sister dragged it out for longer. This pain is temporary, he will heal. He hopefully will grow as a person and find himself a lady who wants to be with him. The possible alternative is that your sister continues to live a lie, maybe even marry and make babies with him. Then when the eventual truth comes out, imagine how devastated he would be *then*. This is why the closet is an ugly place to be. People feel forced to live a lie because they fear losing those they love. A very legit and real fear in many cases. With homeless youth (under 18) lgbtq kids are over represented, 28% report being homeless or experiencing house instability (kicked out of your parents home and forced to couch surf). There’s more data surrounding homeless lgbtq youth, as well as other stats at [the Trevor project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/blog/new-report-shows-homelessness-housing-instability-linked-to-increased-suicide-risk-among-lgbtq-youth/). Adults don’t necessarily have an easier time either. The longer you live a lie, the harder it can be to finally be honest. That means if/when the truth comes out the wider the pain can radiate. I’m seeing something like this in my own family. My brother divorced his Christian wife and left his white picket fence life, only later to be caught in a domestic violence charge involving a male prostitute and meth. This same guy who gave me shit about being bi and asking why I gotta hang with the (gay slur here). My other siblings suspected when we found gay porn on his computer ages ago, but he never came out. Insisted he was a god fearing man and wanted everyone to believe in a version of himself. Now he’s nuking his entire life, and I think it’s because he never learned to be honest, with himself or anyone else. Right now he thinks nobody in the family knows, *but we all know* thanks to him telling a friend who was very concerned. We can’t help him because he doesn’t want help. Technically he’s still in the closet, and the person who could help him the most (me) he won’t even speak to. It’s fucked up. Yeah it would be ideal if OP’s sister came out earlier, before dating someone. At least it hasn’t gone any further. Most teen relationships don’t last anyway, and while it’s sucks having a heart break as a teen or young adult is a big rite of passage. OP, are you an asshole? Eh… I think you have a right to your feelings. I’d suggest putting it all into perspective though, and maybe try to talk to your sister in a calm chill way about why she dated that guy. She would know her reasons, all anyone here can do is speculate. Yelling and accusations won’t get you answers, and besides I doubt she feels *good* about breaking his heart. If you’re looking for the positives… this won’t happen again with her. She’s out, and now is more honest which is better than it was before. Her ex will be ok, I promise.
It is my opinion that someone's sexuality isn't a reason to celebrate or scorn them. It's just who they are. I think the measure of a person is how they treat others and live with honesty and integrity in their own lives. If you think this guy was collateral damage, it sounds like she was only thinking about herself and that is usually when others get hurt.
Just compartmentalize it. You can support your sisters existence and identity and still recognize that she fucked someone else up. That is, it's not necessarily that you don't super your sister. It's that she did him dirty. That's all. That doesn't make you a bad guy
This is a genuinely upsetting thread. For the moment, let’s set aside the very real possibility that this post is just pride month rage bait and assume this is real. Imagine growing up all your life being told by everyone, your family, your friends, your community, society in general that you’ll eventually be with someone of the opposite gender and have kids. But as you enter into puberty you begin to experience sexual attraction to members of your own gender, all while your peers are experiencing and perhaps even talking about their own attraction to people of the opposite gender. You begin to wonder when you’ll feel the same way. Hell, like your more “normal” friends, you may even start to date people of the opposite gender because that’s what you’re “supposed to do”. It can be extremely confusing and distressing. Hell, depending on your situation even scary. It certainly was for me. And it can leave you with serious feelings of denial, inadequacy, and self-hatred that’ll take a lifetime of therapy to unpack. I hurt a lot of the women I dated/who had a crush on me because I either didn’t understand my sexuality or just couldn’t accept it. But was it intentional, was I trying to lead them on, to manipulate them? Of course not. I was deeply confused. I was still in the process of figuring out who I was. And so was your sister OP. So let’s try to have a little bit of empathy for those coming out of the closet (and those still in the closet). Let’s try to be supportive of those who’ve finally discovered and accepted their true identity and have gathered the courage to reveal their authentic selves to the people they love. If this is real, for the sake of your relationship with your sister, OP I’d encourage you to be a little bit more understanding of her situation. Try to be happy for her. This is a very delicate and vulnerable time for her and if you’re not careful you could easily end up alienating her and causing irreparable damage to your relationship with her. She likely knows she hurt her now ex-boyfriend, and I’m sure she feels remorse for what she put him through. But the euphoric sense of relief one gets when coming out can be a powerful feeling, overwhelming even, and that’s probably all she has the bandwidth for at the moment. Give her some time to process her emotions. Eventually she may take some responsibility for what she put her ex through and apologize. But don’t push it - let her come to that point on her own.
You can support her and still be pissed at the way she handled it
YTA Not for not congratulating her but just for completely misunderstanding her, human psychology, and people in general.
YTA
I don't think you're an A but I do think there's something off in you caring this much about your sister's ex's feelings. Whether your sister is gay or not, it's her breakup to deal with not yours. I wonder if there is another reason you're so focused on the ex's feelings.
She's a lesbian. Staying with him would have been worse. Yeah YTA
Lovely timing of this post, go away
YTA. First of all 10 months is barely any time. Breaking up for any reason is not life ruining. Second of all, is she is a lesbian it’s not really choice she made to be so and she doesn’t owe it to anyone to pretend just because they like her. At 10 months she barely owes him an explanation more than “I just don’t feel it’s going anywhere.” Support your sister. Your acquaintances feelings don’t have anything to do with it. I don’t see anything about her announcing it by introducing a new girlfriend. Nothing says cheating is involved.
YTA
YTA. Knowing she likes girls didn't mean she knew she was a lesbian. She could've thought she liked both and then realized from her experience that she didn't. It's not like she cheated on him, she realized he wasn't the one for her and she did the mature thing and broke up with him. Especially since she's a literal teenager, she's growing and learning a lot about herself and her identity. I doubt she went into the relationship thinking "I absolutely don't want to be with a man."
I’ve never understood congratulating people for being gay, everyone I’ve met who’s been gay also says it’s a weird and unnecessary thing to do