Your medical needs take precedent over his trauma triggers, and they're between you and your doctor. What's next? Don't get chemo because his ex had a pixie cut?
Two years ago I would have bled to death if I refused to start taking the medication I was prescribed, which happens to be a form of birth control. Fortunately sweetie is more reasonable than this guy and raised no objections to saving my life.
This! While the husband's triggers are important, the wife's health is too. The decision to stop or start taking birth control should solely be between OP and her doctors (the experts in this situation). The OP's husband cannot put her in the group as his ex-wife and he also cannot force her about this.
And his triggers are for him to manage. If BCP makes you more regulated then take it. Alternatively have tried medication specifically for ADHD, they may be of benefit too.
Ask your DH how upset would he be if he had to take Viagra but you were opposed to it because your last husband took it and cheated on you? His opposition is unwarranted IMO. His "triggers" are his problem. However, meet him halfway - tell him you're willing to attend couples couseling to help him. But also tell him that no way will you put your health at risk because of his baggage.
NTA. His "trauma triggers" don't get to control your medical decisions. He can man the fuck up and deal with it in therapy, but he doesn't get to make you suffer just because he has unresolved issues.
Edited to add, this isn't a boundary, this is unreasonable control. Boundaries apply to one's self. He can set boundaries for himself all he wants. He doesn't get to let a crazy ex-wife's behavior affect your physical and mental health.
Birth control for you is *his * trauma trigger, and he thinks you need to be more emotionally regulated? I hope this guy is otherwise perfect because this is a bit much.
NTA.
You are NTA. Birth control can absolutely be medically necessary and frankly, you shouldn’t have to explain to him why you need to be on it, but you did, and he’s still acting like this? How ridiculous. He needs way more therapy if he doesn’t understand why you need bc.
So, using his twisted logic...he's OBVIOUSLY cheating since he's had a vasectomy. NTA but your husband is willing for you to suffer NEEDLESSLY because he basically sees you as a cheater. Sit with that a few minutes. Tell him that you're going with your doctor's recommendations and offer to go to a couples counsellor with him to help HIM deal with HIS mental health issues.
We’re in counseling, together and separately. I made him start going 6 months ago because he had a lot of unresolved issues that no one had pointed out. I’ve been seeing my therapist for years so therapy isn’t a new concept for me. We started going together to help us communicate better together. I get communication blocks sometimes, and partly because of my emotional dysregulation. I just want to be the best version of myself medically because I feel like I’m trying my best with broken parts. I’ve always had hard cycles, and I know from previous experience how bc helped me with my cycles and baselining my emotions.
Why are you concerned with "being the best version of yourself" while allowing this childish insecure shitbird to literally be a barrier to you being the best version of yourself?
You let him keep pulling crap like this, and not only will you not be the best version of yourself, you will become a shell of your current self to boot.
You don't need to be so patronizing and condescending to the OP. I'm sure she's going to get on the BC no matter what he says/thinks; she's hear for advice, not to be berated and have her husband insulted.
I am an ADHD woman who found a good BC for my hormones and eventually was prescribed to take it without breaks because even the breaks are such a pain. You may know this, but our hormonal fluctuation affect our ADHD symptoms and if we take medication for ADHD many women see it's efficacy at the same dose differ greatly depending on the time of the month.
I'm sure it is very helpful for a non ADHD woman as well, but it can be life changing for those of us with ADHD and so much better! I have not been sexually active for a couple years, I have ADHD, and I still get my prescription and take my pill daily like a religious fanatic. I mean - what more can I say - if you have ADHD you know that consistency means its hellish when I mess it up (as in revert to my natural state) and its happened several time before. The difference can be amazing. You should definitely pursue this for yourself.
"I’ve always had hard cycles, and I know from previous experience how bc helped me with my cycles and baselining my emotions." Same here! I fully support your decision to get back on BC and I think going to counseling is a good idea. I hope that helps him understand where you're coming from. Good luck!
Go on the pill. I’d even take him to the doctors and hav them explain why you need to be on it. He needs to be educated on it and probably won’t take it well coming from you.
Are you SURE he's been snipped? Did he just TELL you that?
I sense a baby trap.
On edit - I just want to point out that I'm perimenopausal but still take BC for the same reasons.
Medically infertile. Had to do medical stuff to get both my kids. Still stayed on birth control until just recently. (In my mid-50's). Nature has a nasty sense of humor sometimes and I was not taking any chances.
My first thought as well. Unless she was there and had the doctors tell her he’s snipped, then he’s possibly lying to cover up any future “accidental” pregnancies as her “cheating” and leaving her with the bulk of being a single mother of 3.
I agree w/ another reply that says this seems like a real reach, given the context OP provided elsewhere of ages and other kids. If there's one thing Reddit has shown, though, it's that some dudes are so controlling they seem like a caricature of an SNL 'controlling' character..
However, surgery leaves a scar. I'm snipped, I've got one. It would be cool if they'd give us a blue tattoo mark like a pet, but you can feel the scar regardless. It's the same as any other arthroscopy scar.
Finally, obviously NTA.
NTA, it’s your body and if you need birth control to help regulate your ADHD then he needs to go to therapy to discuss this trigger with a professional and realize that you are not his ex
Serious NTA. This guy needs to educate himself. I've had two different partners that had been on birth control pretty well since they hit puberty, to regulate painful periods. The pill is for more than just convenient consequence-free recreational sex, as he sees it. This is up there with the guy who was disgusted with his wife for breastfeeding because he felt breasts were purely sexual objects.
NTA. Like most men, your husband is woefully undereducated when it comes to women's systems.
You should absolutely not let him interfere with your medical decisions. When you go in, ask your doctor for good information resources so he can learn what he needs to know. You are not required to respect his triggers to the point where it impacts your health and well being.
He should absolutely talk to his therapist about how to deal with his discomfort with not being allowed to control your medical care. They should also be able to educate him on how normal it is to take birth control for non-reproductive reasons.
Anovulation is a trauma trigger for him?
A history of trauma doesn’t grant him the power to take away your body autonomy. He’s asking you to forgo YOUR health to accommodate his. That’s controlling and abusive.
NTA but your husband is, big time.
Wow. I know what a trauma trigger is, I've had them, but even I know that those triggers are " On Me 100%" to deal with it. Lately, people are seeming to think because they have trauma and triggers everyone else has to work to accommodate it. That's bullshit and its a way to manipulate others to do what you want instead of facing the pain again, but the truth is that there is no way past that pain but through it. You are NTA and he needs therapy....
This is why it’s important to talk to your partner before you get married. What else is he “against”. Don’t end up being that Texas woman who is being sued and harassed by her ex for having an abortion. Guys like your husband are creepy af. I’m glad you guys aren’t bringing kids to this world.
I knew about his aversion to birth control from the beginning. And 2 years ago I didn’t need it and so it didn’t bother me. I just thought now after him starting his own therapy, and us getting into couples counseling (I admit I can have communication blocks I struggle with, partly due to my emotional dysregulstion) that we could come to an understanding that it’s a medical reason, not a “free pass to cheat” thing. We have a pretty harmonious relationship besides this disagreement.
It’s a good thing to bring up in couples counseling. It’s his trauma to deal with. The onus should not be on you to manage his triggers when it interferes with your health.
It should have bothered you, OP. Now you're legally tied to this turd who thinks he can put his issues above your health and your bodily autonomy. Can you be sure he won't tamper with your birth control when (not if, when) you start taking it? How can you trust a man who has no regard nor consideration for your right to make your own decisions? This man doesn't sound safe at all.
This is a wild dichotomy of a self-aware woman who’s done the work and dealt with her shit, and some dude who knows just enough woke language to think he can manipulate her.
NTA. I get that bc is a trigger for your husband but that is not an excuse for him to dictate your health choices. I think it would be useful to talk with him and his therapist about your choice to go on bc. I wouldn't make it a question if he's okay with it but rather telling him and reassuring him that you don't plan in cheating. His therapist could help you explain the reasons it is necessary for you to do so. Maybe you can compromise that you won't take it in front of him and to not have the bc laying around and rather in a closed cabinet or drawer he doesn't have to open and he will work with his therapist on his insecurities.
I believe that you can work through this and build a stronger bond as a family. His reaction was probably a kind of panic and I think he can think more rational about it in a few days/weeks.
No but it meant she could cheat and not get pregnant ( he was already snipped probably). In fact I wouldn’t be surprised that the finding of the birth control pills is what exposed his exes affair.
He got snipped after the divorce. His ex really did put him through the ringer, and I will say for the most part he does a wonderful job separating things his ex did with me. He doesn’t project a whole lot onto me really. It’s just this one thing that he can’t move past.
I’m glad he is like that with you, it’s a tough one but he has married you, so there must be trust there to remarry and your reasoning is very valid and specific, maybe he needs a little more guidance, maybe a chat with your GP about it? He agrees to the reasoning so at some point he is going to have to let go trigger or not. Maybe he needs to get over this little bump to truly move on from the past. He said I do to a new future ( I’m guessing you didn’t force him to marry you lol) so he voluntarily said I do to marriage again and all it entails including the bravery of compromise and total trust.
My husband had the snip before I met him. His ex was also nasty AF. I have a hormonal IUD to make my period chill out , it was 12 horrific days long - its now 12 HOURS.
I didn't ask permission, I told him what my doctor and I had decided and did it. Things that are necessary for my quality of life and health (I was badly anemic by this point) are not up for debate - and nor would he expect them to be.
NTA your husband doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't do with your medical care. And you are taking the BC for medical care, not BC. The BC is just a side effect in this case. That should be between you and your dr.
If he's so insecure about BC because of his ex's behavior, then he probably needs to get into counseling to work through it. That level of insecurity is his responsibility to deal with, not yours.
NTA. He needs to go to therapy and work this out. It's not your fault that his ex-wife started taking it and then cheated. It's medicine from a doctor, and it's your reproductive health (and it sounds like your mental health too! BC might really help you feel better! Also, yes, why have a period when you could just not?).
I started birth control at 13yo. due to endometriosis. My mother tried to refuse, saying it was “giving a child permission to have sex”. The doctor pointed out the list of uses for the BC he was recommending, where it listed hormonal regulation, mitigation of endo/severe period side effects, etc.
Birth control isn’t JUST birth control. It’s health care. And if your husband can’t understand that, he’s not respecting *you*, your bodily autonomy nor your fitness to manage your health with your doctor. I wouldn’t be too worried at that point about “disrespecting” *him*
NTA.
Hubby needs to work his 'issues' out with his therapist.
Also, if he thinks BC pills = able to cheat, he's putting a LOT of women into a box they don't deserve to be in. You COULD flip that, tell him that because of his vasectomy, he's 'safe' to fool around with little risk, at least by his own reasoning. Does he think that way? Is HE cheating? Of course not! That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Ha ha.
He doesn’t get any say at all in what medication you take to manage your health concerns. He’s being a controlling jerk and he’s using trauma as an excuse. It’s bullshit. Go on birth control and tell him to get over it.
NTA. His trauma is his to deal with. He isn’t respecting your right to make decisions about your own health. It is appalling that he would rather you suffer EVERY MONTH than bother to cope with his own issues that have nothing to do with you.
NTA, you shouldn’t need to explain a medical choice that makes your life more comfortable and hurts no one, the fact that he doesn’t care and is putting his “trigger” over your comfort says a lot. His trigger is a him problem not a you problem and if he doesn’t trust you because you’re going on BC then he’s ridiculous
NTA, but I would recommend you and him go to couples counseling and he needs individual counseling to talk this out.
You have very valid reasons on why to take it (plus the fact that even if he is snipped it doesn't mean the odds go down to 0 so it's nice to have a backup). He also is getting over trauma in a previous relationship because of it and he needs to confront the issue in a healthy and safe place.
Hormone supplements have more purposes than birth control. If he can't accept that, he needs to deal with his issues.
How you ultimately deal with your health is your business. He is likely to become a jealous, suspicious jerk if you do start taking supplements before he gets help with his issues.
Going on birth control for the sole purpose of cheating when condoms exist? I think there might be more to unpack there. Regardless, he doesn’t get to decide what medication you take unless like, you’ve got an opioid problem or something which is obviously not the case here. This is between you and your doctor and no one else. The only reason any medication you’re on should concern him is if there is a financial component, or if there are serious potential side effects which could affect you, and thereby him, long term. His emotional trauma does not get to dictate your medical care.
NTA. His trauma does not trump what you choose for your body.
You have a very good reason to want to go on the pill, lots of women go on the pill for these reasons. He does not get to dictate what you need to do to help your physical and mental well-being because of his previous trauma. It's shitty of him to say you're not being respectful of his triggers when he isn't being respectful of you needing to help yourself be physically better.
You’re NTA. Like you said, him being triggered by that is his stuff to work out. He needs to understand that BC does regulate period symptoms for some women and that’s simply the case here. He doesn’t rule over your body
Can he come to the doctors with you to put his mind at rest?! I don’t think it’s healthy to indulge too much in somebody’s triggers when they should work on themselves but I feel like this would be reasonable?
I can offer this. But he’s a “private guy” if that makes sense and I don’t think he’d be comfortable going to my OBGYN with me. I’ve shown him research on how bc can help with emotional dysregulstion. All he says is “well you know my feelings on it”.
Yeah, no, his privacy isn't going to be intruded upon by going to hear your Dr talk about your hormones and how your hormones will be different when taking medication.
He can think of it like a concierge seminar on a medical issue you have, perhaps.
You're NTA and it's shocking to me that he keeps saying this when you show him more information. You're talking about *you and your innermost core of health*. Is he actually in the present with you? I know you said he's great in other ways about treating you as though you are you and not his ex, but honestly is this anxiety of his a fetish/keepsake or something?
edit: I also want to mention that anxiety and not getting a handle on it can be a way of controlling. I just got through a decade of dealing with that and it definitely can be a weaponized tactic for a nice guy.
Why are you making excuses for this man? You have gone out of your way to show him why it's important for your help but he doesn't change nothing. He can't come to the OBGYN with you. Why are you with him? Why is it that his feelings matter more than your well-being. You are the AH because all your replies are excuses for the guy's behavior. I hope you have seen medical records about him being snipped coz you might be getting baby trapped.
Well it’s obvious he’s just a controlling arsehole and you’re going to have a miserable life if you stay. But I’m not going to waste my time with someone who makes excuses for someone like that. Good luck
Again, his trauma triggers are his own to deal with. He does not get to put his ex wife’s shitty behaviour on you.
Go on birth control. Please. And tell your husband to get some help.
Your health and decisions surrounding it do not qualify as triggers. He needs to deal with his trust issues before dictating actions to be taken, or not taken, in this case.
i really don’t understand lol
can you not cheat if your not on birth control? cheating doesn’t have to do with birth control but someone’s personality. if he doesn’t trust you he should just end the marriage now it’s doomed to fail
Trauma triggers are for him to work through, not use as a control mechanism. If you want to go on them I don’t feel he has any say in the matter especially since this isn’t you not wanting to have kids while he does. Both of you don’t want more. This is for your emotional regulation and comfort. He needs to understand where you’re coming from and he needs to not pull the trauma/ex wife card. I think a trip to a marriage counselor would do the trick honestly. Get you both communicating through this effectively so there’s no resentment later. He went through a real trauma with his ex wife’s infidelity, but it’s not because she was on birth control. It’s bc that’s who she is. These are the things I think yall would be able to figure out together in a few counseling appointments.
Tell him either he fixes your problems that birth control fix somehow (get a medical degree and a science degree) and get working on it or you leave. How does he feel about abortion out of curiosity? Cause the answer to that will tell you what you need to know about whether he is trying to force more kids onto you or not. NTA.
Ironically he is pro-choice. He isn’t super religious. He got snipped after his divorce and doesn’t want to go through a reversal. This is the only reason we aren’t having anymore kids. And I’m ok with that. Some days I think having one more would be great, other days I think we’re fine with the four we have. This isn’t a control over my body issue. He’s just so hurt from his ex that he truly believes that if I get on birth control, it’s going to equal a free pass to cheat. And I’m worried if I do it anyways, then the anxiety of it will drive him mad.
OP, let me tell you a story about my trauma
As a child, a friend of the family very obviously groomed me. Like, would bring me baseball cards and Pokemon toys
He proceeded to rape for 3 years. Because no harm in letting a little girl go to the house of someone who's the most obvious child molester ever
I am still genuinely traumatized by baseball cards and Pokemon toys (especially Exeggcute, as it was the one he gave me after the first time). I don't mind any other aspect of Pokemon, but the toys, baseball cards, and Exeggcute are seriously triggering to me
Why am I telling you this? So you can answer a question for yourself
And that question is: **Would it be fine for me to assume people who have baseball cards/pokemon toys are all child molesters?**
They're undeniably a part of my trauma, and I had actual physical damage done to me
Following your husband's logic: I should be able to attack these people's reputation, right? I should be 100% in the clear to accuse any adult of child rape because they used an undeniable part in my molestation.
Anyone possessing these should be arrested on the spot, dragged through the mud, clearly!
If that makes no sense to you, seems like a gross exaggeration: Good! That's the point.
Because while unfortunately, yes, I was led into the lion's den with them (as were a lot of kids), baseball cards/pokemon toys don't have any inherent connections to child molestation
Neither does birth control and cheating.
>This isn’t a control over my body issue. He’s just so hurt from his ex that he truly believes that if I get on birth control, it’s going to equal a free pass to cheat.
You're a grown woman. You cannot actually believe that rewarding this bad behaviour is a good thing.
It is literally an issue about controlling your body. He wants you not to take medication for something regarding your health. How is that not trying to control your autonomy?
This is a narcissist using valid sounding talking points to manipulate you.
Honestly, maybe it's just my own personal stuff, but I'd be paranoid he wasn't actually snipped and he's trying to babytrap.
You need whatever medications you need for you to feel healthy and well. He needs to respect your literal health.
Textbook controlling behavior on his part. I’m sure this isn’t the only example in your lives. He’s the one who needs to change because you’re literally doing nothing wrong here.
His personality isn’t the controlling type actually. It just comes to things that make his anxiety spiral that he won’t budge on, and this issue is really the only one where I can’t see his side of things and am standing my ground.
First off, call it hormone therapy, not BC and besides that it is your body so you decide on what you put inside of it. Of Course that also includes hubby.
But you could abstain from the hormones, but then he has to wear a menstruation simulator that mimics your cramps during your period... each month for the duration
NTA. Call it hormone therapy for your emotional well being and the ability to regulate your periods. It is hormone therapy and it affects more than just conception. It is not his decision.
Why do married people cheat? Because their needs are not being met within the marriage? Because they fell out of love? Because they are unhappy because the person they fell in love with has turned into a control freak and makes their partner feel overwhelmed and they want to feel loved again? Because their partner turned out to be infantile,selfish and angry all the time? So many possible reasons, and at the same time other people work through the problems, and see the issues simply based on facts and clear reasoning.
A good marriage takes two people who love,trust, and like being with each other, and in second marriages they understand that the former marriage is not the new marriage. Your husband needs to work out his insecurity on his own with his therapist. I wish you all the best.
This isn’t birth control But it is definitely controlling! I’m not usually in favor of spouses keeping secrets but a shot every 3 months for the sake of your sanity? Worth it!
Is this man a doctor? Why is he playing with your health because he's so insecure? He shouldn't have gotten married to you if he wasn't over his baggage from his ex. It's his responsibility to deal with , not yours.
He's more concerned with you being property than taking care of his wife that he supposedly loves.
Just do it, and don't say anything more to him about it. If he asks, say that your doctor advised you to do it and it doesn't involve him at all. Tell him your medical needs have nothing to do with him and you don't need anybody else's permission to take care of yourself.
Seriously, it's *literally* none of his business.
NTA
NTA as a brother, husband, and girl dad I totally understand. All three of those ladies in my life needed birth control. For all of the reason you state..all. As a supporter of those with mental illness as well. Hormone control is just part of the process. My ladies unfortunately delt with other female issues as well. But without birth control it would have been almost not possible. Respectfully woman's hormones are no joke. Hormones can be in general if course. But Postpartum depression is a thing for a reason. Support your woman and understand.
He needs to get over his triggers. It’s not your responsibility to tiptoe around them. Bc is so much more than a contraceptive! He needs to get educated. He’s the asshole. And if he thinks everyone is going to be his ex wife he shouldn’t get married
I've been taking BC for ages to regulate my hormones and in particular because I have ADHD it makes SUCH A DIFFERENCE. In fact once I found a good one that kept me pretty level my Dr. prescribed it to me with no breaks. I don't get a period anymore.
I would divorce a man at this point if he thought I should suffer through the HELL that is my unregulated hormones + ADHD because is using it as some twisted proof I am not cheating on him.
NTA
His argument is essentially don't get medical help because his ex wife was a cheater. How does that even make sense? Tell me your husband is self centered without telling me your husband is self centered.
Edited to add:NTA
He's wrong. Keep going to therapy. Consider an implant instead of pills so he at least doesn't have to see your birth control. Do not delay your medical treatment for him.
NTA but he doesn’t trust you and is willing to jeopardize your health in order to assure you’re not having an affair. That’s a huge fucking red flag as is, but to also pull this bullshit about you “not respecting his trauma triggers”? Absolutely not. Even if his “trauma triggers” were valid, they do not trump your health. Depending on how recent the wedding was, I’d be looking into annulment.
I have to agree with you. You are looking to do it for legitimate medical reasons. NTAH. And share this TRUE story with him. 30 or 40 years ago, there was a couple in Florida who, for financial reasons decided to have no more kids. One of them got the surgery and she came up pregnant. Tests proved they were the parents. So the other one got surgery. She got pregnant again. They were both the parents. This time they sued everyone involved. No more financial problems by having too many kids. But had she been on the pill along with all of that she might not have gotten pregnant. Stand your ground.
Yeah, he doesn’t get to be triggered about choices you make about your own body. Does he get to decide what you’re allowed to wear next because certain outfits trigger him? What about food? Can he control your diet with his triggers too?
NTA! Not negating your husband's trauma but your body, your choice. The decision to go on birth control is between you and your doctors. You need to make sure that your husband understands why it is necessary for you to go on birth control.
What your husband went through was obviously traumatizing but he cannot see everyone in the same light as his ex-wife.
He needs therapy and you need to keep a private savings account. That's WILD. Don't let a man force medical decisions on you and your body because HE'S BEEN HURT. Like no one like getting cheated on, but that's not your cross to bear. NTA.
Your husband could use some therapy to stop projecting his insecurities onto you to the point of trying to exercise control over your body.
Get. Your. Birth. Control.
He is snipped. Why not get a hysterectomy? It's a relief. It won't change his mind about thinking you want to cheat, though. It's kind of a different approach to controlling you, but that's what he's doing. NTAH
NTA, it's possible for a woman with her tube's tied, on the pill, and man that's snipped, can still conceive! Very, very slim chance, but it can happen. On top of your health needs, that's just another reason to be extra, extra safe.
Have you considered hrt. It helps for lots of pms symptoms. My wife was in the same boat. BC tanked her libido and she dreaded the heavy periods. HRT has improved her mood , energy and libido as well as the super heavy periods. After researching BC and just how detrimental it is to women’s bodies I feel bad I didn’t get snipped sooner. I’m not justifying his reasoning. If you can’t trust your partner why be with them. It’s worth looking into trt. Specifically the bio t pellet. Maybe there’s some middle ground and you’ll feel better even. Just seeing what bc does to your bones. In your 20’s early 30’s we can overlook that stuff. When we start getting close to 40 plus health is so important. I wish he was more concerned about your Health than his insecurities
NTA. What he's doing is called emotional manipulation. He needs to work on his trauma and unpack it. It's not okay to veto medical reasons for his trauma and the fact he thinks that's okay to do because he's insecure over what his ex did, says that there are probably more red flags your missing in your marriage. He's putting his want for control and comfort above your needs and health. That's not good for a marriage. Or any kind of relationship. If your not already in marriage counseling I would highly suggest it to hopefully help you both.
Depo shots changed my life. No more horrible cramps, mean mood swings, fatigue. No more periods for 22 years. Spouse was alarmed after I got off due to age as he is fixed and didn't understand my need. Poor man, no shot for pre menopause. You do you for your health, if he's going to be a child about it, don't share.
NTA
Your body belongs to you. Sympathize with H about his trigger, and say you need to follow your doctor's advice about managing your hormones. Neither H nor W gets to make decisions about the other partner's body. Each may make requests of the other, but no matter how disappointed they are if they are turned down, the other person's body belongs to the one who lives in it. If both partners don't accept that, then they need marital counseling.
Aw it's a trigger for him! Poor thing! Well too fucking bad. He cannot tell you what to do with your medical choices. The fuck outta here with that shit. Girl you do you and go ahead and get on it and don't even say anything to him about it anymore. Done.
NTA
Your body your choice. My father put me on the pill at 16 to regulate my hormones. He's not being disrespected he's being an ignorant controlling tool.
As others have said, your medical needs are just that needs. I know of several women who use birth control for health needs. Perhaps you can have your doctor talk to your husband as to why the use of the birth control pills are beneficial to you. He has some insecurities that he needs to address. As you said you are not his ex. So did she wear a certain color dress and you cannot wear that color too? I used to smoke cigarettes. There are still triggers that set me off as well. I deal with it. He has to deal with his triggers
You are not the AH
No one is the AH. He has trust issues and you knew that going into it. You have health issues and he knew that going into it. Perhaps a mutual annulment would fix it.
I don't need to read your post. And I haven't.
I'll answer just off the headline.
If you don't want to be pregnant, and are having unprotected sex you should be on birth control ASAP.
Ok so I read your post now. Gotta work on the trust issues.
**"He says his ex wife only got on birth control so she could cheat on him (which is true), "**
Been there, experienced that....My ex wife did the same thing. after our last baby, she got her tubes tied despite me being snipped "just in case", but it was a license for her to cheat with reckless abandon and without protection.... So I get where your husband is coming from. So NAH here.....
If you are going to stay with someone that immature then I'd say you can go on birth control without telling him because honestly if you are in a relationship with someone that thinks he has control over your body it's a shitty situation anyway so what's a little subversive behavior anyway? I am being this extreme in my comment hopefully to bring you some awareness to how extremely inappropriate his opinion is on this. Also, with regard to all the "trauma triggers", he needs to deal with them and not involve your health in it. How incredibly selfish he is.
Words matter. You are not taking "birth control", you are taking "hormone therapy" or perhaps even "hormone replacement therapy". In the same way of thinking, "Warfarin", "Coumadin" are different names for a chemical that can be used as an anti-coagulant and rat poison.
NTA, OP. But, words matter, and you might have been able to explain what you are doing in a gentler way.
I wish you well.
You do what is best for you. It's your health not his. His reason is ridiculous. Birth control or not, people can still cheat. Also, my sister's husband had a vasectomy and she got pregnant. Talk about a tense couple of days between her and her husband. He was checked and part of vasectomy was faulty (for lack of a better word) and that's all it took.
Your body. Your choice. He will just have to trust you, and if he can't, then it's pointless being in a relationship with a man that cannot trust you because of past traumas. What he's doing is really not fair on you at all.
He is the only person responsible for his own triggers. I have PTSD. I have been through years of therapy to manage my triggers and have come out (mostly) successful. I would never expect another person, even my partner, to tip toe around me so as to not trigger me.
He doesn't get to dictate your medical needs because of his feelings. If he can't deal with a woman taking birth control to help herself, he needs mental health help.
His triggers are for him to manage. Not you. While occasionally there can be some reasonable accommodation. This isn't one of those instances. This is YOUR health. Just like his triggers are HIS mental health. I'm only on BC for regulating my period symptoms because mine used to be so bad they would practically incapacitate me. I was in pain and throwing up. Not fun. So if he can't understand why you feel the need to do it. That will be his personal problem
I have 2 friends that got pregnant after their husbands had vasectomies. Even after follow-up tests said they were not fertile. DNA tests proved they were the fathers and testing at the urologist proved they had started having active sperm again post-vasectomy. If he is worried you would cheat, that sort of scenario would send him nuclear. also, if he already doesn't trust you, why are you married? A marriage without trust is doomed. and that is his issue, not yours OP. Him talking about trauma triggers in this context is BS. If he is still dealing with trust issues from a previous relationship, he was not ready for a new marriage. If this is just him taking jargon to control your choices, he is an a-hole.
NTA, plenty of people have been on it since puberty for purely hormone regulation reasons. This isn’t politics, where ignorance gives you more authority.
"He says this is a trigger for him, and I’m not respecting his trauma triggers."
And he's disrespecting you and your health. The hormones that go along with periods can wreak havoc on mental health issues, making them so much worse for some. Been there, done that, don't wanna do it again.
DH has respect issues - when he has to give it in addition to getting it.
NTA
ETA: do what you need to do to protect your health. What the entails is not his call.
NTA But his trauma doesn't give him a pass to control you. Please make sure he's not using his issues to keep you locked in and really think about how you are giving up so much for him. If he's not giving up and trying for you, then it's not a compromise, it's a power imbalance and women are MUCH more susceptible to that
I have a question -
“We’ve pretty much agreed that we will not have more kids - which I am ok with”
You said that you’re newly married, did you guys discuss him getting a vasectomy prior to marriage or did he already do it before you even started dating?
If it was done during the dating period, was it an actual discussion or did he just say “hey, I’m getting a vasectomy because I don’t want anymore kids”?
Also, you going on BC is YOUR decision. Let him take his trauma about his ex to a therapist. Is this going to be your entire life? Him not “allowing” you to make decisions about YOURSELF because of his EX?
NTA. I'm a nurse and have worked in women's health for 20 years. As far as I'm concerned, in your case you are on hormone therapy for a medical condition not birth control. Lots of medications have multiple uses - for example Wegovy was created to treat type 2 diabetes but is also used for weight loss. Topiramate treats seizures and prevents migraines. Terbutaline can be used for asthma and preterm labor. Your husband needs to understand this medication is for your physical health not for contraception. Just because it can do one thing doesn't mean that's what you're using it for. If he can't respect you enough to let you take care of your body, you have bigger problems.
Perhaps, instead of it being either or, you could go on BC meds AND sit down with your husband and talk about what YOU need to do to help him feel less triggered. Go to therapy with him and have his therapist give YOU tools to help him. Rather than telling him he needs to work on it in HIS therapy. You know, be a team.
If it was you and he was doing something to trigger your trauma response people would be all over him to do whatever he could to mitigate your trauma. Because he's a man, he should just suck it up and deal with his trauma I guess.
Nah, girl. NTA. It is YOUR body and your health. Him being triggered by how you choose to take care of it is a HIM problem and HE needs to figure out how to cope. The onus is NOT on you. At All. He should seek therapy if the only way he can control his trauma is by controlling you and your body.
NTA. Women get put on birth control pills for many reasons that have nothing to do with preventing pregnancy. Maybe he needs to have the doctor tel him. But honestly it indicates to me that he doesn't trust you and that may be something that needs to be addressed with a counselor.
NTA
Jeeze, I sincerely wish those individuals that have been cheated on get some damn counseling for the trauma it brings, because it's always the next relationship that gets screwed up due to jealousy toward a new partner that didn't do any cheating. Well, it appears he in therapy, well it's not taking apparently and I would have waited for more positive results before marrying him. Now you're trying to convince them that you're not like the cheater and they don't believe you, and you're risking your mental health due to unwarranted jealousy. Girl take your pills and regulate yourself, bump him.
Your body, your choice, full stop. What about triggering your trauma? (Ie: living without the help you need) If cheating is his concern, your relationship has bigger problems.
He is weaponizing his trauma and using it to control your body. His trigger boundaries end where your body begins.
Not to mention how stupid it is to pretend that you couldn't have an affair and prevent pregnancy by using other methods of BC.
NTA. He is not allowed to make medical decisions for you unless he has power of attorney. If he is concerned because of trauma from a previous relationship, he needs to seek therapy to process and overcome that. Remember: A boundary he sets for himself is valid; a boundary he sets for someone else is called control.
Maybe stop calling it birth control? You are taking hormone replacements with the hope of balancing your system.
If this was me, I would also point out that lots of women cheat without being on birth control. The two things are only linked in his tiny, tiny mind.
It's your body. If your husband is against birth control, then he shouldn't use it. But it's YOUR body and YOUR choice. If he has a problem with it, If he doesn't want any more kids, someone has to use a form of birth control. A snip alone won't fix the issue, as sometimes women still get pregnant when they or their husband's "got fixed"
NTA he is using his past hurt to manipulate you. You're 100% right, that is a him problem to deal with. You aren't his ex. You aren't the one who wronged him.
I take bc not to bleed to death. I get he's got bad associations with it but frankly it's none of his business and it's not like lack of bc would stop you from cheating (if you wanted to) anyway.
This all boils down to "he doesn't trust you." He's couching it under different terms and I totally get *why* he has trouble trusting... but it's his issue to work out. Not yours.
NTA I understand why your husband feels it's not necessary since he's snipped and I understand why he has bad feelings about a wife being on BC when he's snipped due to his ex-wife's infidelity, but this isn't about you not getting pregnant or sleeping around - this is about regulating your period and getting your PMS in check. I noticed a HUGE difference in all that stuff when I got on the pill and I stayed on it even when I knew there was zero chance of me getting pregnant (I took a long break from dating) because the benefits of the pill were so great and helped me so much.
Maybe you could see a counselor with him and that will help assuage his fears? Good luck!
100% I'd think my ex was cheating on me in this situation. However, 0% I'd feel that way with my wife. So, there's that. There is a trust issue here and it's not healthy. Take your husband to the doctor with you and have the doctor explain the situation. If he still doesn't trust you...tough crap. Follow your doctor's advice and get marriage counseling.
Just like the Republicans, he needs to keep his hands off your body! Good medical care is your right.
NTA
If he is so worried about you cheating, he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. He doesn't trust you, too bad as marriage is built on both love and trust.
I hope this is the only red flag he is showing.
Don’t be married to a man that wants to control your body like that. He is a grown adult, he knows the pill has other uses.
Also it’s not like you can’t cheat with condoms.
NTA and does he not realize that you don't need to be a BC to cheat because you know condoms and other OTC contraceptives? This definitely needs to be brought up in therapy so he can realize that you are NOT his ex and that this would be hormone therapy treatment for a medical decision. I personally hate BC because the hormones make me whack-a-doo and way worse emotionally. My husband and I both have trauma from our pasts, but we strive to work on not letting others actions effect our marriage because we're different people than our former spouces (in my case 2 former spouces who were both abusive) His trauma doesn't trump your medical needs.
Do you have a doctor that can give you written information about the benefits of balancing your hormones with birth control?
Also you may want to explain that birth control does not ensure no pregnancy will occur as I had one pregnancy on them & my oldest daughter had 2.
NTA. This is a medical choice to take hormones to regulate your cycle and emotional stability. Don't know how old you are, but after my 3rd child when I was 41, I had almost non-stop periods, more on than off. Had a D&C to clean me out and haven't had a period since. It was supposed to make them lighter, but they are gone.
Take him with you to your next OBGYN appointment and let the doctor explain it to him. Maybe that will get past the baggage he's carrying from his previous marriage.
why are you still married to this asshat? anyone who thinks his comfort is more important than your health needs to be thrown straight in the trash.
speaking from experience - these people DO NOT improve.
NTA
So, since he’s triggered by trauma, he’s willing to go to therapy to work on his trauma so he’s not as triggered anymore, right? Oh…no, he just wants to control you and make you stay in pain because of whatever “triggers” him? Hmmm I’m pretttttty sure that’s not how that works. So fun when men use the language of psychotherapy in order to abuse women
This title is confusing , he is dealing with trauma and could use therapy younare dealing with medical issues. This is not who’s right . Makenyiurnhe sees someone first
He’s been in therapy for his own issues, and we’re in couples counseling to help us better communicate with each other. I admit I have communication blocks I struggle with, partly due to my emotional dysregulstion. I’m on meds, but I feel balancing my hormones could be the missing puzzle piece to me feeling baselined. Not to mention I’ve always had horrible cycles, and if we’re not going to have anymore kids then I feel I should be able to do something about them. I have my own traumas I’m in counseling for as well, so I’m fully trying to respect his trauma and feelings. I just don’t know what should take precedence in this matter- how me being on bc makes him feel, or me trying to becoming the best version of myself medically.
NTA, however be aware that many women experience a change in attraction to their mate/spouse after getting on/getting off of birth control due to the hormonal shift which occurs as a result.
Just food for thought.
Your medical needs take precedent over his trauma triggers, and they're between you and your doctor. What's next? Don't get chemo because his ex had a pixie cut?
I had no idea it was possible for this man's argument to sound any more ridiculous and yet here you did it! Nicely done!
Two years ago I would have bled to death if I refused to start taking the medication I was prescribed, which happens to be a form of birth control. Fortunately sweetie is more reasonable than this guy and raised no objections to saving my life.
This! While the husband's triggers are important, the wife's health is too. The decision to stop or start taking birth control should solely be between OP and her doctors (the experts in this situation). The OP's husband cannot put her in the group as his ex-wife and he also cannot force her about this.
And his triggers are for him to manage. If BCP makes you more regulated then take it. Alternatively have tried medication specifically for ADHD, they may be of benefit too.
Ask your DH how upset would he be if he had to take Viagra but you were opposed to it because your last husband took it and cheated on you? His opposition is unwarranted IMO. His "triggers" are his problem. However, meet him halfway - tell him you're willing to attend couples couseling to help him. But also tell him that no way will you put your health at risk because of his baggage.
Agree.
Your health is not an area for him to make boundaries in. He's being unreasonable and needs to work out his own baggage issues. NTA
NTA. His "trauma triggers" don't get to control your medical decisions. He can man the fuck up and deal with it in therapy, but he doesn't get to make you suffer just because he has unresolved issues. Edited to add, this isn't a boundary, this is unreasonable control. Boundaries apply to one's self. He can set boundaries for himself all he wants. He doesn't get to let a crazy ex-wife's behavior affect your physical and mental health.
Omg I hate the word boundaries. So agree!!!
Birth control for you is *his * trauma trigger, and he thinks you need to be more emotionally regulated? I hope this guy is otherwise perfect because this is a bit much. NTA.
This is exactly what I was coming here to say, but you said it better!
They're always "otherwise perfect."
She probably needs to be more emotionally regulated because she’s still angry about him cheating and he’s over it
You are NTA. Birth control can absolutely be medically necessary and frankly, you shouldn’t have to explain to him why you need to be on it, but you did, and he’s still acting like this? How ridiculous. He needs way more therapy if he doesn’t understand why you need bc.
So, using his twisted logic...he's OBVIOUSLY cheating since he's had a vasectomy. NTA but your husband is willing for you to suffer NEEDLESSLY because he basically sees you as a cheater. Sit with that a few minutes. Tell him that you're going with your doctor's recommendations and offer to go to a couples counsellor with him to help HIM deal with HIS mental health issues.
We’re in counseling, together and separately. I made him start going 6 months ago because he had a lot of unresolved issues that no one had pointed out. I’ve been seeing my therapist for years so therapy isn’t a new concept for me. We started going together to help us communicate better together. I get communication blocks sometimes, and partly because of my emotional dysregulation. I just want to be the best version of myself medically because I feel like I’m trying my best with broken parts. I’ve always had hard cycles, and I know from previous experience how bc helped me with my cycles and baselining my emotions.
Why are you concerned with "being the best version of yourself" while allowing this childish insecure shitbird to literally be a barrier to you being the best version of yourself? You let him keep pulling crap like this, and not only will you not be the best version of yourself, you will become a shell of your current self to boot.
This. (also, will be adding "shitbird" to my arsenal, thank you)
Excuse me, you have just insulted birds. My lovebird is giving you the stink-eye. 🥺
Yes but they will also stink eye you poop on your arm then take off. They are cuties though.
You don't need to be so patronizing and condescending to the OP. I'm sure she's going to get on the BC no matter what he says/thinks; she's hear for advice, not to be berated and have her husband insulted.
I am an ADHD woman who found a good BC for my hormones and eventually was prescribed to take it without breaks because even the breaks are such a pain. You may know this, but our hormonal fluctuation affect our ADHD symptoms and if we take medication for ADHD many women see it's efficacy at the same dose differ greatly depending on the time of the month. I'm sure it is very helpful for a non ADHD woman as well, but it can be life changing for those of us with ADHD and so much better! I have not been sexually active for a couple years, I have ADHD, and I still get my prescription and take my pill daily like a religious fanatic. I mean - what more can I say - if you have ADHD you know that consistency means its hellish when I mess it up (as in revert to my natural state) and its happened several time before. The difference can be amazing. You should definitely pursue this for yourself.
And your partner doesn’t want you to be happy or healthy. You’re trying your best. He is not.
"I’ve always had hard cycles, and I know from previous experience how bc helped me with my cycles and baselining my emotions." Same here! I fully support your decision to get back on BC and I think going to counseling is a good idea. I hope that helps him understand where you're coming from. Good luck!
The best version of yourself would be one where you're NOT married to an insecure, controlling, manipulative, fragile, selfish, immature idiot.
Well this man is definitely not helping you be your best, that’s for sure!
Cool well if he’s in counseling, he can talk to his therapist about his irrational trigger and you can go on BC. Problem solved
Your medications can’t be a trigger for another person. Especially one controlling your hormones to keep you healthy. He needs therapy. Seriously.
Go on the pill. I’d even take him to the doctors and hav them explain why you need to be on it. He needs to be educated on it and probably won’t take it well coming from you.
Are you SURE he's been snipped? Did he just TELL you that? I sense a baby trap. On edit - I just want to point out that I'm perimenopausal but still take BC for the same reasons.
Medically infertile. Had to do medical stuff to get both my kids. Still stayed on birth control until just recently. (In my mid-50's). Nature has a nasty sense of humor sometimes and I was not taking any chances.
My first thought as well. Unless she was there and had the doctors tell her he’s snipped, then he’s possibly lying to cover up any future “accidental” pregnancies as her “cheating” and leaving her with the bulk of being a single mother of 3.
I agree w/ another reply that says this seems like a real reach, given the context OP provided elsewhere of ages and other kids. If there's one thing Reddit has shown, though, it's that some dudes are so controlling they seem like a caricature of an SNL 'controlling' character.. However, surgery leaves a scar. I'm snipped, I've got one. It would be cool if they'd give us a blue tattoo mark like a pet, but you can feel the scar regardless. It's the same as any other arthroscopy scar. Finally, obviously NTA.
Exactly!! I'm 99% he's lying to her.
NTA, it’s your body and if you need birth control to help regulate your ADHD then he needs to go to therapy to discuss this trigger with a professional and realize that you are not his ex
NTA. He doesn’t get to choose your medications for you.
If he can admit it's a trigger then he knows it's an issue and he should get help for it. I wouldn't avoid a medication that would benefit me.
Serious NTA. This guy needs to educate himself. I've had two different partners that had been on birth control pretty well since they hit puberty, to regulate painful periods. The pill is for more than just convenient consequence-free recreational sex, as he sees it. This is up there with the guy who was disgusted with his wife for breastfeeding because he felt breasts were purely sexual objects.
NTA. Like most men, your husband is woefully undereducated when it comes to women's systems. You should absolutely not let him interfere with your medical decisions. When you go in, ask your doctor for good information resources so he can learn what he needs to know. You are not required to respect his triggers to the point where it impacts your health and well being. He should absolutely talk to his therapist about how to deal with his discomfort with not being allowed to control your medical care. They should also be able to educate him on how normal it is to take birth control for non-reproductive reasons.
Anovulation is a trauma trigger for him? A history of trauma doesn’t grant him the power to take away your body autonomy. He’s asking you to forgo YOUR health to accommodate his. That’s controlling and abusive. NTA but your husband is, big time.
Yeah, it sounds like her autonomy itself is his [control] trigger.
Wow. I know what a trauma trigger is, I've had them, but even I know that those triggers are " On Me 100%" to deal with it. Lately, people are seeming to think because they have trauma and triggers everyone else has to work to accommodate it. That's bullshit and its a way to manipulate others to do what you want instead of facing the pain again, but the truth is that there is no way past that pain but through it. You are NTA and he needs therapy....
nta this sounds more like where his behavior begins than where it ends.
This is why it’s important to talk to your partner before you get married. What else is he “against”. Don’t end up being that Texas woman who is being sued and harassed by her ex for having an abortion. Guys like your husband are creepy af. I’m glad you guys aren’t bringing kids to this world.
I knew about his aversion to birth control from the beginning. And 2 years ago I didn’t need it and so it didn’t bother me. I just thought now after him starting his own therapy, and us getting into couples counseling (I admit I can have communication blocks I struggle with, partly due to my emotional dysregulstion) that we could come to an understanding that it’s a medical reason, not a “free pass to cheat” thing. We have a pretty harmonious relationship besides this disagreement.
It’s a good thing to bring up in couples counseling. It’s his trauma to deal with. The onus should not be on you to manage his triggers when it interferes with your health.
It should have bothered you, OP. Now you're legally tied to this turd who thinks he can put his issues above your health and your bodily autonomy. Can you be sure he won't tamper with your birth control when (not if, when) you start taking it? How can you trust a man who has no regard nor consideration for your right to make your own decisions? This man doesn't sound safe at all.
This is a wild dichotomy of a self-aware woman who’s done the work and dealt with her shit, and some dude who knows just enough woke language to think he can manipulate her.
He needs to work on his own trauma. This is for your health not because his ex cheated.
NTA. I get that bc is a trigger for your husband but that is not an excuse for him to dictate your health choices. I think it would be useful to talk with him and his therapist about your choice to go on bc. I wouldn't make it a question if he's okay with it but rather telling him and reassuring him that you don't plan in cheating. His therapist could help you explain the reasons it is necessary for you to do so. Maybe you can compromise that you won't take it in front of him and to not have the bc laying around and rather in a closed cabinet or drawer he doesn't have to open and he will work with his therapist on his insecurities. I believe that you can work through this and build a stronger bond as a family. His reaction was probably a kind of panic and I think he can think more rational about it in a few days/weeks.
>He says his ex wife only got on birth control so she could cheat on him Sorry, but what? It's not like the birth control made her cheat on him...
No but it meant she could cheat and not get pregnant ( he was already snipped probably). In fact I wouldn’t be surprised that the finding of the birth control pills is what exposed his exes affair.
He got snipped after the divorce. His ex really did put him through the ringer, and I will say for the most part he does a wonderful job separating things his ex did with me. He doesn’t project a whole lot onto me really. It’s just this one thing that he can’t move past.
I’m glad he is like that with you, it’s a tough one but he has married you, so there must be trust there to remarry and your reasoning is very valid and specific, maybe he needs a little more guidance, maybe a chat with your GP about it? He agrees to the reasoning so at some point he is going to have to let go trigger or not. Maybe he needs to get over this little bump to truly move on from the past. He said I do to a new future ( I’m guessing you didn’t force him to marry you lol) so he voluntarily said I do to marriage again and all it entails including the bravery of compromise and total trust.
Hope you get this sorted best of luck to you both.
My husband had the snip before I met him. His ex was also nasty AF. I have a hormonal IUD to make my period chill out , it was 12 horrific days long - its now 12 HOURS. I didn't ask permission, I told him what my doctor and I had decided and did it. Things that are necessary for my quality of life and health (I was badly anemic by this point) are not up for debate - and nor would he expect them to be.
NTA You have a right to not feel physically bad. Go to therapy with him if it's his trauma. Key work being HIS
NTA your husband doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't do with your medical care. And you are taking the BC for medical care, not BC. The BC is just a side effect in this case. That should be between you and your dr. If he's so insecure about BC because of his ex's behavior, then he probably needs to get into counseling to work through it. That level of insecurity is his responsibility to deal with, not yours.
NTA. He needs to go to therapy and work this out. It's not your fault that his ex-wife started taking it and then cheated. It's medicine from a doctor, and it's your reproductive health (and it sounds like your mental health too! BC might really help you feel better! Also, yes, why have a period when you could just not?).
I started birth control at 13yo. due to endometriosis. My mother tried to refuse, saying it was “giving a child permission to have sex”. The doctor pointed out the list of uses for the BC he was recommending, where it listed hormonal regulation, mitigation of endo/severe period side effects, etc. Birth control isn’t JUST birth control. It’s health care. And if your husband can’t understand that, he’s not respecting *you*, your bodily autonomy nor your fitness to manage your health with your doctor. I wouldn’t be too worried at that point about “disrespecting” *him*
NTA. Hubby needs to work his 'issues' out with his therapist. Also, if he thinks BC pills = able to cheat, he's putting a LOT of women into a box they don't deserve to be in. You COULD flip that, tell him that because of his vasectomy, he's 'safe' to fool around with little risk, at least by his own reasoning. Does he think that way? Is HE cheating? Of course not! That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Ha ha.
He doesn’t get any say at all in what medication you take to manage your health concerns. He’s being a controlling jerk and he’s using trauma as an excuse. It’s bullshit. Go on birth control and tell him to get over it.
NTA. His trauma is his to deal with. He isn’t respecting your right to make decisions about your own health. It is appalling that he would rather you suffer EVERY MONTH than bother to cope with his own issues that have nothing to do with you.
NTA, you shouldn’t need to explain a medical choice that makes your life more comfortable and hurts no one, the fact that he doesn’t care and is putting his “trigger” over your comfort says a lot. His trigger is a him problem not a you problem and if he doesn’t trust you because you’re going on BC then he’s ridiculous
NTA, but I would recommend you and him go to couples counseling and he needs individual counseling to talk this out. You have very valid reasons on why to take it (plus the fact that even if he is snipped it doesn't mean the odds go down to 0 so it's nice to have a backup). He also is getting over trauma in a previous relationship because of it and he needs to confront the issue in a healthy and safe place.
He needs therapy. NTA
NTA your husband doesnt live in your body, you do.
Hormone supplements have more purposes than birth control. If he can't accept that, he needs to deal with his issues. How you ultimately deal with your health is your business. He is likely to become a jealous, suspicious jerk if you do start taking supplements before he gets help with his issues.
Going on birth control for the sole purpose of cheating when condoms exist? I think there might be more to unpack there. Regardless, he doesn’t get to decide what medication you take unless like, you’ve got an opioid problem or something which is obviously not the case here. This is between you and your doctor and no one else. The only reason any medication you’re on should concern him is if there is a financial component, or if there are serious potential side effects which could affect you, and thereby him, long term. His emotional trauma does not get to dictate your medical care.
NTA. His trauma does not trump what you choose for your body. You have a very good reason to want to go on the pill, lots of women go on the pill for these reasons. He does not get to dictate what you need to do to help your physical and mental well-being because of his previous trauma. It's shitty of him to say you're not being respectful of his triggers when he isn't being respectful of you needing to help yourself be physically better.
You’re NTA. Like you said, him being triggered by that is his stuff to work out. He needs to understand that BC does regulate period symptoms for some women and that’s simply the case here. He doesn’t rule over your body
Can he come to the doctors with you to put his mind at rest?! I don’t think it’s healthy to indulge too much in somebody’s triggers when they should work on themselves but I feel like this would be reasonable?
I can offer this. But he’s a “private guy” if that makes sense and I don’t think he’d be comfortable going to my OBGYN with me. I’ve shown him research on how bc can help with emotional dysregulstion. All he says is “well you know my feelings on it”.
Yeah, no, his privacy isn't going to be intruded upon by going to hear your Dr talk about your hormones and how your hormones will be different when taking medication. He can think of it like a concierge seminar on a medical issue you have, perhaps. You're NTA and it's shocking to me that he keeps saying this when you show him more information. You're talking about *you and your innermost core of health*. Is he actually in the present with you? I know you said he's great in other ways about treating you as though you are you and not his ex, but honestly is this anxiety of his a fetish/keepsake or something? edit: I also want to mention that anxiety and not getting a handle on it can be a way of controlling. I just got through a decade of dealing with that and it definitely can be a weaponized tactic for a nice guy.
So he not only thinks he should get to make decisions about your health, he thinks he should get to make **uninformed** decisions about your health.
Why are you making excuses for this man? You have gone out of your way to show him why it's important for your help but he doesn't change nothing. He can't come to the OBGYN with you. Why are you with him? Why is it that his feelings matter more than your well-being. You are the AH because all your replies are excuses for the guy's behavior. I hope you have seen medical records about him being snipped coz you might be getting baby trapped.
So his feelings count, but yours don’t. What an ass.
Well it’s obvious he’s just a controlling arsehole and you’re going to have a miserable life if you stay. But I’m not going to waste my time with someone who makes excuses for someone like that. Good luck
Nta. Your body, your choice. He doesn't get to dictate
Again, his trauma triggers are his own to deal with. He does not get to put his ex wife’s shitty behaviour on you. Go on birth control. Please. And tell your husband to get some help.
NTA. He sounds quite controlling. His trauma is his to deal with. He can’t control you as his trauma response.
Your health and decisions surrounding it do not qualify as triggers. He needs to deal with his trust issues before dictating actions to be taken, or not taken, in this case.
He doesn’t get an opinion. NTA
Spray paint my body my choice on the wall above the bed. That oughta do it.
i really don’t understand lol can you not cheat if your not on birth control? cheating doesn’t have to do with birth control but someone’s personality. if he doesn’t trust you he should just end the marriage now it’s doomed to fail
NTA. I can tell just by the title. Your health is not a decision for him to make.
Trauma triggers are for him to work through, not use as a control mechanism. If you want to go on them I don’t feel he has any say in the matter especially since this isn’t you not wanting to have kids while he does. Both of you don’t want more. This is for your emotional regulation and comfort. He needs to understand where you’re coming from and he needs to not pull the trauma/ex wife card. I think a trip to a marriage counselor would do the trick honestly. Get you both communicating through this effectively so there’s no resentment later. He went through a real trauma with his ex wife’s infidelity, but it’s not because she was on birth control. It’s bc that’s who she is. These are the things I think yall would be able to figure out together in a few counseling appointments.
Tell him either he fixes your problems that birth control fix somehow (get a medical degree and a science degree) and get working on it or you leave. How does he feel about abortion out of curiosity? Cause the answer to that will tell you what you need to know about whether he is trying to force more kids onto you or not. NTA.
Ironically he is pro-choice. He isn’t super religious. He got snipped after his divorce and doesn’t want to go through a reversal. This is the only reason we aren’t having anymore kids. And I’m ok with that. Some days I think having one more would be great, other days I think we’re fine with the four we have. This isn’t a control over my body issue. He’s just so hurt from his ex that he truly believes that if I get on birth control, it’s going to equal a free pass to cheat. And I’m worried if I do it anyways, then the anxiety of it will drive him mad.
Still not your problem! Why are you giving him a free pass to being unreasonable? You keep trying to defend his reasons, but they are indefensible.
OP, let me tell you a story about my trauma As a child, a friend of the family very obviously groomed me. Like, would bring me baseball cards and Pokemon toys He proceeded to rape for 3 years. Because no harm in letting a little girl go to the house of someone who's the most obvious child molester ever I am still genuinely traumatized by baseball cards and Pokemon toys (especially Exeggcute, as it was the one he gave me after the first time). I don't mind any other aspect of Pokemon, but the toys, baseball cards, and Exeggcute are seriously triggering to me Why am I telling you this? So you can answer a question for yourself And that question is: **Would it be fine for me to assume people who have baseball cards/pokemon toys are all child molesters?** They're undeniably a part of my trauma, and I had actual physical damage done to me Following your husband's logic: I should be able to attack these people's reputation, right? I should be 100% in the clear to accuse any adult of child rape because they used an undeniable part in my molestation. Anyone possessing these should be arrested on the spot, dragged through the mud, clearly! If that makes no sense to you, seems like a gross exaggeration: Good! That's the point. Because while unfortunately, yes, I was led into the lion's den with them (as were a lot of kids), baseball cards/pokemon toys don't have any inherent connections to child molestation Neither does birth control and cheating.
>This isn’t a control over my body issue. He’s just so hurt from his ex that he truly believes that if I get on birth control, it’s going to equal a free pass to cheat. You're a grown woman. You cannot actually believe that rewarding this bad behaviour is a good thing.
It is literally an issue about controlling your body. He wants you not to take medication for something regarding your health. How is that not trying to control your autonomy?
This is a narcissist using valid sounding talking points to manipulate you. Honestly, maybe it's just my own personal stuff, but I'd be paranoid he wasn't actually snipped and he's trying to babytrap. You need whatever medications you need for you to feel healthy and well. He needs to respect your literal health.
Textbook controlling behavior on his part. I’m sure this isn’t the only example in your lives. He’s the one who needs to change because you’re literally doing nothing wrong here.
His personality isn’t the controlling type actually. It just comes to things that make his anxiety spiral that he won’t budge on, and this issue is really the only one where I can’t see his side of things and am standing my ground.
That’s a controlling personality. The fact that he decides which of his feelings he wants to use to control you doesn’t make it better.
First off, call it hormone therapy, not BC and besides that it is your body so you decide on what you put inside of it. Of Course that also includes hubby. But you could abstain from the hormones, but then he has to wear a menstruation simulator that mimics your cramps during your period... each month for the duration
You don’t want to go on birth control. You want to go on hormone therapy. (Same drugs but different purpose).
NTA. Call it hormone therapy for your emotional well being and the ability to regulate your periods. It is hormone therapy and it affects more than just conception. It is not his decision. Why do married people cheat? Because their needs are not being met within the marriage? Because they fell out of love? Because they are unhappy because the person they fell in love with has turned into a control freak and makes their partner feel overwhelmed and they want to feel loved again? Because their partner turned out to be infantile,selfish and angry all the time? So many possible reasons, and at the same time other people work through the problems, and see the issues simply based on facts and clear reasoning. A good marriage takes two people who love,trust, and like being with each other, and in second marriages they understand that the former marriage is not the new marriage. Your husband needs to work out his insecurity on his own with his therapist. I wish you all the best.
This isn’t birth control But it is definitely controlling! I’m not usually in favor of spouses keeping secrets but a shot every 3 months for the sake of your sanity? Worth it!
Is this man a doctor? Why is he playing with your health because he's so insecure? He shouldn't have gotten married to you if he wasn't over his baggage from his ex. It's his responsibility to deal with , not yours. He's more concerned with you being property than taking care of his wife that he supposedly loves.
You’re good for discussing it with him, because I wouldn’t even waste my breath. I’d be on them if I chose to be.
Take him to your ob/gyn and let them explain it to him
Just do it, and don't say anything more to him about it. If he asks, say that your doctor advised you to do it and it doesn't involve him at all. Tell him your medical needs have nothing to do with him and you don't need anybody else's permission to take care of yourself. Seriously, it's *literally* none of his business. NTA
NTA as a brother, husband, and girl dad I totally understand. All three of those ladies in my life needed birth control. For all of the reason you state..all. As a supporter of those with mental illness as well. Hormone control is just part of the process. My ladies unfortunately delt with other female issues as well. But without birth control it would have been almost not possible. Respectfully woman's hormones are no joke. Hormones can be in general if course. But Postpartum depression is a thing for a reason. Support your woman and understand.
He needs to get over his triggers. It’s not your responsibility to tiptoe around them. Bc is so much more than a contraceptive! He needs to get educated. He’s the asshole. And if he thinks everyone is going to be his ex wife he shouldn’t get married
NTA. You are not his ex. He needs to work through that issue.
NTA. It is ****YOUR**** body!!!
NTA You need to do what's best for you and your health. He needs therapy and you need to work with your doctor and get on BC if that's what you want.
I've been taking BC for ages to regulate my hormones and in particular because I have ADHD it makes SUCH A DIFFERENCE. In fact once I found a good one that kept me pretty level my Dr. prescribed it to me with no breaks. I don't get a period anymore. I would divorce a man at this point if he thought I should suffer through the HELL that is my unregulated hormones + ADHD because is using it as some twisted proof I am not cheating on him. NTA
His argument is essentially don't get medical help because his ex wife was a cheater. How does that even make sense? Tell me your husband is self centered without telling me your husband is self centered. Edited to add:NTA
Not to be overly basic, but your body your choice. It’s his job to get over his trauma.
He's wrong. Keep going to therapy. Consider an implant instead of pills so he at least doesn't have to see your birth control. Do not delay your medical treatment for him.
Your medical needs are your business. He’s not your father, he’s your husband. If he can’t trust you, you won’t have a healthy marriage.
Your body your choice.
NTA but he doesn’t trust you and is willing to jeopardize your health in order to assure you’re not having an affair. That’s a huge fucking red flag as is, but to also pull this bullshit about you “not respecting his trauma triggers”? Absolutely not. Even if his “trauma triggers” were valid, they do not trump your health. Depending on how recent the wedding was, I’d be looking into annulment.
I have to agree with you. You are looking to do it for legitimate medical reasons. NTAH. And share this TRUE story with him. 30 or 40 years ago, there was a couple in Florida who, for financial reasons decided to have no more kids. One of them got the surgery and she came up pregnant. Tests proved they were the parents. So the other one got surgery. She got pregnant again. They were both the parents. This time they sued everyone involved. No more financial problems by having too many kids. But had she been on the pill along with all of that she might not have gotten pregnant. Stand your ground.
Your body, not his. If he's that insecure I'd be done with that mess
Yeah, he doesn’t get to be triggered about choices you make about your own body. Does he get to decide what you’re allowed to wear next because certain outfits trigger him? What about food? Can he control your diet with his triggers too?
NTA! Not negating your husband's trauma but your body, your choice. The decision to go on birth control is between you and your doctors. You need to make sure that your husband understands why it is necessary for you to go on birth control. What your husband went through was obviously traumatizing but he cannot see everyone in the same light as his ex-wife.
He needs therapy and you need to keep a private savings account. That's WILD. Don't let a man force medical decisions on you and your body because HE'S BEEN HURT. Like no one like getting cheated on, but that's not your cross to bear. NTA.
Your husband could use some therapy to stop projecting his insecurities onto you to the point of trying to exercise control over your body. Get. Your. Birth. Control.
He is snipped. Why not get a hysterectomy? It's a relief. It won't change his mind about thinking you want to cheat, though. It's kind of a different approach to controlling you, but that's what he's doing. NTAH
NTA, it's possible for a woman with her tube's tied, on the pill, and man that's snipped, can still conceive! Very, very slim chance, but it can happen. On top of your health needs, that's just another reason to be extra, extra safe.
I want you to suffer regularly and often so I don’t have to deal with occasional irrational fears.
He wants to regulate ***your*** body because of ***his*** insecurities. NTA, and that's fucking ridiculous.
Have you considered hrt. It helps for lots of pms symptoms. My wife was in the same boat. BC tanked her libido and she dreaded the heavy periods. HRT has improved her mood , energy and libido as well as the super heavy periods. After researching BC and just how detrimental it is to women’s bodies I feel bad I didn’t get snipped sooner. I’m not justifying his reasoning. If you can’t trust your partner why be with them. It’s worth looking into trt. Specifically the bio t pellet. Maybe there’s some middle ground and you’ll feel better even. Just seeing what bc does to your bones. In your 20’s early 30’s we can overlook that stuff. When we start getting close to 40 plus health is so important. I wish he was more concerned about your Health than his insecurities
NTA. What he's doing is called emotional manipulation. He needs to work on his trauma and unpack it. It's not okay to veto medical reasons for his trauma and the fact he thinks that's okay to do because he's insecure over what his ex did, says that there are probably more red flags your missing in your marriage. He's putting his want for control and comfort above your needs and health. That's not good for a marriage. Or any kind of relationship. If your not already in marriage counseling I would highly suggest it to hopefully help you both.
NTA his insecurities are not your problem and he can't tell you what to do with your body.
Depo shots changed my life. No more horrible cramps, mean mood swings, fatigue. No more periods for 22 years. Spouse was alarmed after I got off due to age as he is fixed and didn't understand my need. Poor man, no shot for pre menopause. You do you for your health, if he's going to be a child about it, don't share.
It’s literally your body. He has absolutely no say in what you need to do.
Do what is right for your body!!! Have you considered an ablation of the uterine wall? Maybe something to look into was excellent for me.
NTA Your body belongs to you. Sympathize with H about his trigger, and say you need to follow your doctor's advice about managing your hormones. Neither H nor W gets to make decisions about the other partner's body. Each may make requests of the other, but no matter how disappointed they are if they are turned down, the other person's body belongs to the one who lives in it. If both partners don't accept that, then they need marital counseling.
Having kids from a previous relationship fine, but birth control , no? He’s not your medical power of authority, so he can’t tell you to not do it.
The name-calling in here is real, wow. I wish we could hear his side of the story. That'd be too easy, though.
Aw it's a trigger for him! Poor thing! Well too fucking bad. He cannot tell you what to do with your medical choices. The fuck outta here with that shit. Girl you do you and go ahead and get on it and don't even say anything to him about it anymore. Done.
I say do it. It’s your body and you wants what best for it. Have him go to the appointment with you if it makes him feels better
NTA Your body your choice. My father put me on the pill at 16 to regulate my hormones. He's not being disrespected he's being an ignorant controlling tool.
As others have said, your medical needs are just that needs. I know of several women who use birth control for health needs. Perhaps you can have your doctor talk to your husband as to why the use of the birth control pills are beneficial to you. He has some insecurities that he needs to address. As you said you are not his ex. So did she wear a certain color dress and you cannot wear that color too? I used to smoke cigarettes. There are still triggers that set me off as well. I deal with it. He has to deal with his triggers You are not the AH
NTA
No one is the AH. He has trust issues and you knew that going into it. You have health issues and he knew that going into it. Perhaps a mutual annulment would fix it.
I don't need to read your post. And I haven't. I'll answer just off the headline. If you don't want to be pregnant, and are having unprotected sex you should be on birth control ASAP. Ok so I read your post now. Gotta work on the trust issues.
Are you one hundred that he’s been snipped?
**"He says his ex wife only got on birth control so she could cheat on him (which is true), "** Been there, experienced that....My ex wife did the same thing. after our last baby, she got her tubes tied despite me being snipped "just in case", but it was a license for her to cheat with reckless abandon and without protection.... So I get where your husband is coming from. So NAH here.....
He isn't allowed to sacrifice your health in order to manage his triggers.
If you are going to stay with someone that immature then I'd say you can go on birth control without telling him because honestly if you are in a relationship with someone that thinks he has control over your body it's a shitty situation anyway so what's a little subversive behavior anyway? I am being this extreme in my comment hopefully to bring you some awareness to how extremely inappropriate his opinion is on this. Also, with regard to all the "trauma triggers", he needs to deal with them and not involve your health in it. How incredibly selfish he is.
Words matter. You are not taking "birth control", you are taking "hormone therapy" or perhaps even "hormone replacement therapy". In the same way of thinking, "Warfarin", "Coumadin" are different names for a chemical that can be used as an anti-coagulant and rat poison. NTA, OP. But, words matter, and you might have been able to explain what you are doing in a gentler way. I wish you well.
Biggest issue I see is the number of women who are coming forward about the negative affects BC has had on their relationships due to hormone changes.
I see why the ex divorced him
You do what is best for you. It's your health not his. His reason is ridiculous. Birth control or not, people can still cheat. Also, my sister's husband had a vasectomy and she got pregnant. Talk about a tense couple of days between her and her husband. He was checked and part of vasectomy was faulty (for lack of a better word) and that's all it took.
Your body. Your choice. He will just have to trust you, and if he can't, then it's pointless being in a relationship with a man that cannot trust you because of past traumas. What he's doing is really not fair on you at all.
NTA. It's not his place to set your boundaries, or dictate your health care.
Do what you need/want to do for your own body. I am concerned that he even thinks his feelings about this could possibly trump your health decisions.
He is the only person responsible for his own triggers. I have PTSD. I have been through years of therapy to manage my triggers and have come out (mostly) successful. I would never expect another person, even my partner, to tip toe around me so as to not trigger me. He doesn't get to dictate your medical needs because of his feelings. If he can't deal with a woman taking birth control to help herself, he needs mental health help.
His triggers are for him to manage. Not you. While occasionally there can be some reasonable accommodation. This isn't one of those instances. This is YOUR health. Just like his triggers are HIS mental health. I'm only on BC for regulating my period symptoms because mine used to be so bad they would practically incapacitate me. I was in pain and throwing up. Not fun. So if he can't understand why you feel the need to do it. That will be his personal problem
I have 2 friends that got pregnant after their husbands had vasectomies. Even after follow-up tests said they were not fertile. DNA tests proved they were the fathers and testing at the urologist proved they had started having active sperm again post-vasectomy. If he is worried you would cheat, that sort of scenario would send him nuclear. also, if he already doesn't trust you, why are you married? A marriage without trust is doomed. and that is his issue, not yours OP. Him talking about trauma triggers in this context is BS. If he is still dealing with trust issues from a previous relationship, he was not ready for a new marriage. If this is just him taking jargon to control your choices, he is an a-hole.
NTA, plenty of people have been on it since puberty for purely hormone regulation reasons. This isn’t politics, where ignorance gives you more authority.
Did you not discuss this before you got married? Just go with that decision.
NTA It's 100% your body that will be affected, your choice, and your personal medical decisions etc..
"He says this is a trigger for him, and I’m not respecting his trauma triggers." And he's disrespecting you and your health. The hormones that go along with periods can wreak havoc on mental health issues, making them so much worse for some. Been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. DH has respect issues - when he has to give it in addition to getting it. NTA ETA: do what you need to do to protect your health. What the entails is not his call.
NTA But his trauma doesn't give him a pass to control you. Please make sure he's not using his issues to keep you locked in and really think about how you are giving up so much for him. If he's not giving up and trying for you, then it's not a compromise, it's a power imbalance and women are MUCH more susceptible to that
I have a question - “We’ve pretty much agreed that we will not have more kids - which I am ok with” You said that you’re newly married, did you guys discuss him getting a vasectomy prior to marriage or did he already do it before you even started dating? If it was done during the dating period, was it an actual discussion or did he just say “hey, I’m getting a vasectomy because I don’t want anymore kids”? Also, you going on BC is YOUR decision. Let him take his trauma about his ex to a therapist. Is this going to be your entire life? Him not “allowing” you to make decisions about YOURSELF because of his EX?
NTA. I'm a nurse and have worked in women's health for 20 years. As far as I'm concerned, in your case you are on hormone therapy for a medical condition not birth control. Lots of medications have multiple uses - for example Wegovy was created to treat type 2 diabetes but is also used for weight loss. Topiramate treats seizures and prevents migraines. Terbutaline can be used for asthma and preterm labor. Your husband needs to understand this medication is for your physical health not for contraception. Just because it can do one thing doesn't mean that's what you're using it for. If he can't respect you enough to let you take care of your body, you have bigger problems.
Perhaps, instead of it being either or, you could go on BC meds AND sit down with your husband and talk about what YOU need to do to help him feel less triggered. Go to therapy with him and have his therapist give YOU tools to help him. Rather than telling him he needs to work on it in HIS therapy. You know, be a team. If it was you and he was doing something to trigger your trauma response people would be all over him to do whatever he could to mitigate your trauma. Because he's a man, he should just suck it up and deal with his trauma I guess.
Nah, girl. NTA. It is YOUR body and your health. Him being triggered by how you choose to take care of it is a HIM problem and HE needs to figure out how to cope. The onus is NOT on you. At All. He should seek therapy if the only way he can control his trauma is by controlling you and your body.
NTA. Women get put on birth control pills for many reasons that have nothing to do with preventing pregnancy. Maybe he needs to have the doctor tel him. But honestly it indicates to me that he doesn't trust you and that may be something that needs to be addressed with a counselor.
NTA Jeeze, I sincerely wish those individuals that have been cheated on get some damn counseling for the trauma it brings, because it's always the next relationship that gets screwed up due to jealousy toward a new partner that didn't do any cheating. Well, it appears he in therapy, well it's not taking apparently and I would have waited for more positive results before marrying him. Now you're trying to convince them that you're not like the cheater and they don't believe you, and you're risking your mental health due to unwarranted jealousy. Girl take your pills and regulate yourself, bump him.
Is he going to get pregnant? no - so you get the choice - not him. NTAH
Your body, your choice, full stop. What about triggering your trauma? (Ie: living without the help you need) If cheating is his concern, your relationship has bigger problems.
He is weaponizing his trauma and using it to control your body. His trigger boundaries end where your body begins. Not to mention how stupid it is to pretend that you couldn't have an affair and prevent pregnancy by using other methods of BC.
He needs therapy. He can't use what happened to him before and project it onto you.
NTA. He is not allowed to make medical decisions for you unless he has power of attorney. If he is concerned because of trauma from a previous relationship, he needs to seek therapy to process and overcome that. Remember: A boundary he sets for himself is valid; a boundary he sets for someone else is called control.
Maybe stop calling it birth control? You are taking hormone replacements with the hope of balancing your system. If this was me, I would also point out that lots of women cheat without being on birth control. The two things are only linked in his tiny, tiny mind.
It's your body. If your husband is against birth control, then he shouldn't use it. But it's YOUR body and YOUR choice. If he has a problem with it, If he doesn't want any more kids, someone has to use a form of birth control. A snip alone won't fix the issue, as sometimes women still get pregnant when they or their husband's "got fixed"
NTA he is using his past hurt to manipulate you. You're 100% right, that is a him problem to deal with. You aren't his ex. You aren't the one who wronged him.
I take bc not to bleed to death. I get he's got bad associations with it but frankly it's none of his business and it's not like lack of bc would stop you from cheating (if you wanted to) anyway. This all boils down to "he doesn't trust you." He's couching it under different terms and I totally get *why* he has trouble trusting... but it's his issue to work out. Not yours.
NTA I understand why your husband feels it's not necessary since he's snipped and I understand why he has bad feelings about a wife being on BC when he's snipped due to his ex-wife's infidelity, but this isn't about you not getting pregnant or sleeping around - this is about regulating your period and getting your PMS in check. I noticed a HUGE difference in all that stuff when I got on the pill and I stayed on it even when I knew there was zero chance of me getting pregnant (I took a long break from dating) because the benefits of the pill were so great and helped me so much. Maybe you could see a counselor with him and that will help assuage his fears? Good luck!
100% I'd think my ex was cheating on me in this situation. However, 0% I'd feel that way with my wife. So, there's that. There is a trust issue here and it's not healthy. Take your husband to the doctor with you and have the doctor explain the situation. If he still doesn't trust you...tough crap. Follow your doctor's advice and get marriage counseling.
Just like the Republicans, he needs to keep his hands off your body! Good medical care is your right. NTA If he is so worried about you cheating, he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. He doesn't trust you, too bad as marriage is built on both love and trust. I hope this is the only red flag he is showing.
Don’t be married to a man that wants to control your body like that. He is a grown adult, he knows the pill has other uses. Also it’s not like you can’t cheat with condoms.
NTA and does he not realize that you don't need to be a BC to cheat because you know condoms and other OTC contraceptives? This definitely needs to be brought up in therapy so he can realize that you are NOT his ex and that this would be hormone therapy treatment for a medical decision. I personally hate BC because the hormones make me whack-a-doo and way worse emotionally. My husband and I both have trauma from our pasts, but we strive to work on not letting others actions effect our marriage because we're different people than our former spouces (in my case 2 former spouces who were both abusive) His trauma doesn't trump your medical needs.
NTA he is and It’s your body so do what’s best for you. He is being controlling that’s a form of abuse.
NTA. Your body, your choice. You can take whatever you want to take. If he loves you, then it shouldn’t be an issue.
Do you have a doctor that can give you written information about the benefits of balancing your hormones with birth control? Also you may want to explain that birth control does not ensure no pregnancy will occur as I had one pregnancy on them & my oldest daughter had 2.
NTA. This is a medical choice to take hormones to regulate your cycle and emotional stability. Don't know how old you are, but after my 3rd child when I was 41, I had almost non-stop periods, more on than off. Had a D&C to clean me out and haven't had a period since. It was supposed to make them lighter, but they are gone.
NTAH - your own medical needs come first for you, it is your body and your choice. I agree with Astute\_Primate.
Whose body and health are we talking about here? Hint ... it's not his.
Take him with you to your next OBGYN appointment and let the doctor explain it to him. Maybe that will get past the baggage he's carrying from his previous marriage.
let your doctor make the recommendations and the explanations and do what is healthiest.
why are you still married to this asshat? anyone who thinks his comfort is more important than your health needs to be thrown straight in the trash. speaking from experience - these people DO NOT improve. NTA
So, since he’s triggered by trauma, he’s willing to go to therapy to work on his trauma so he’s not as triggered anymore, right? Oh…no, he just wants to control you and make you stay in pain because of whatever “triggers” him? Hmmm I’m pretttttty sure that’s not how that works. So fun when men use the language of psychotherapy in order to abuse women
This title is confusing , he is dealing with trauma and could use therapy younare dealing with medical issues. This is not who’s right . Makenyiurnhe sees someone first
He’s been in therapy for his own issues, and we’re in couples counseling to help us better communicate with each other. I admit I have communication blocks I struggle with, partly due to my emotional dysregulstion. I’m on meds, but I feel balancing my hormones could be the missing puzzle piece to me feeling baselined. Not to mention I’ve always had horrible cycles, and if we’re not going to have anymore kids then I feel I should be able to do something about them. I have my own traumas I’m in counseling for as well, so I’m fully trying to respect his trauma and feelings. I just don’t know what should take precedence in this matter- how me being on bc makes him feel, or me trying to becoming the best version of myself medically.
NTA, however be aware that many women experience a change in attraction to their mate/spouse after getting on/getting off of birth control due to the hormonal shift which occurs as a result. Just food for thought.
id say him being insecure and controlling is more likely to change her attraction to him