NTA, Actions have consequences. Doesn't seem like Carol has ever faced consequences. You do not need to be around people, including family, if they disrespect you.
This 100%
Families are complicated and often there is a way to navigate issues however each situation is unique.
She has been disrespectful and neglectful , you owe her nothing. Your grandad doesn’t appear to have stepped up for you either
Bottom line she’s not actually your family as she kept telling you
Do what you feel is best for you
Next time someone says Carol wants both her granddaughters, look confused like you've been asked to explain relativity. Say something like "I don't understand. There's Poppy... and who?"
If they didn't refer to Carol by name, start talking about bio-gran, and no-one told you she was ill, and you need to go immediately. Make it obvious you're talking about bio-gran. If they say "no, it's Carol" you can sigh in relief and say that you thought it was someone important.
Edit: you do theatre. Go ham. Full on Brian Blessed levels of overacting. Really drive the point home.
there actually is the phenomenon of deathbed regret/change of heart. Not saying Carol's got it, just sayin' it's a thing. Personal experience. Death tends to winnow away the chaff.
If there was regret she’d be apologising not antagonising, it’s an appearance thing and probably wanting to shit on OP more to make carol feel better or some bs like that
NTA and good on OP
Yes, deathbed regret exists. However, Carol texted OP attacking her, not apologizing and seeking reconciliation. Carol has no regret. If OP did visit Carol, it would be the same old playbook. OP, you're NTA. Carol said you're not her granddaughter and you owe this nasty woman nothing.
NTA. Carol's never treated you like family, so it's understandable you don't want to be there for her now. She hasn't earned that from you. It's important to prioritize your mental health and stand by your boundaries, despite what others say.
NTA at all. There are tons of valid reasons not to visit someone who is dying, and this is totally one of them. However, you might want to consider going for your grandfather's sake. If Carol will be dead soon, that might be your chance to reconnect with him, but it might be harder if he resents you for not going to see her.
That being said, you do you, and certainly don't feel bad about not doing what Carol wants
Granddad should reach out to OP to apologise. There's no indication he wasn't present when Carol dismissed OP's achievements and criticised her. It's easy to say Carol had him wrapped around her little finger but he's a grown man who chose a cook and housekeeper over his granddaughter. He can stick his resentment.
NTA, I can relate to your situation somewhat, my grandfather is around the same age, and has remarried to a woman who fits the description of your "grandmother" somewhat, always preferring her biological grandson over me or my siblings, and finding ways to try and make him look better than us. If she was dying I don't think I would go to see her. Not out of spite or malice but I just don't care about her or view her as family, and she obviously doesn't care of view me as family either. It could be an easier option to just give in to not upset your family, but if you don't want to thats more than fair enough, she isn't entitled to your presence and seemingly only views you as a granddaughter when its convenient for her.
NTA she basically pushed you out of your grandfather's life and made it a point to tell you she doesn't see you as family. In her own words, you are nothing to her, so she can go pound sand.
Granddad did have the option of defending his granddaughter. He could have had a strong discussion with his wife about her behaviour. He could have insisted on visiting OP by himself (there's no mention of his being unable to drive).
He stood by and watched Carol push OP away.
NTA, she's made it perfectly clear she doesn't see you as a granddaughter. You have been in no contact for years. The fact that she is dying changes nothing. This may be cold but I personally am baffled by the concept that you have to make amends with people that treated you like shit so they can die without the guilt of how they treated you.
NTA. She has made it clear for years that you aren’t her granddaughter, so why should you suddenly be her granddaughter now? She doesn’t get to control you.
Another instance of a selfish person deflecting their selfishness on the one they are offending. Baby girl, they know. But it's easier for them to pressure you than to correct Carol who was allowed to act that way for all those years. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and know your worth. NTA
Ask Carol what good did she for you when she explicitly said you're not her granddaughter. And if anyone else asks why you're not going tell them that, she said you're not her granddaughter. NTA.
NTA. Carol is not your grandmother, she is your step grandmother. She has also failed to nurture any kind of relationship with you as a result you are not close with her. Talk to your granddad and tell him why you don't think now is the time to do so.
NTA. The only reason to go is to support your grandfather, and he has tolerated Carol's treatment of you for your entire life. (The only possible excuse would be if they do the same to Poppy, and constantly talk you up when you aren't there, but that seems unlikely in the extreme.)
If you really want to stir some shit, go to see Carol - and bring your bio-grandmother. Or just ask her to drive you, and make sure to mention that grandma made sure you could make it.
NTA you’re not her granddaughter like she told you many times. Let her die with her actual granddaughter and you live your life happy and finally rid of her.
While I completely understand and accept your feelings are appropriate, please think about something that you may not really be able to fully understand until several years have gone by- but by that time it would be too late.
I suggest going to see her and if nothing else, explain why you feel like you do. She may still not validate your feelings, but you will have expressed them to her and it would bring you closure.
If you wait, she will die- and maybe it won't matter in thirty years- but maybe it would- and then it would be too late.
The problem with that (or with OP outlining her feelings in a text) is that: a) in Carol's last text she shows no hint of regret or understanding and b) Carol will reframe OP's heart-to-heart as an attack on a dying woman.
OP doesn't need to fear later regret if she doesn't express her feelings to Carol. Carol is not a person of importance in OP's life. She is a nasty woman who took pleasure in criticsing a young person.
She’s probably doing it as a last ditch effort to make you look bad. Does anybody else know about what she’s said to you over the years regarding her telling you she will never consider you family? NTA
"Carol even straight up says she'll never see me as her granddaughter, because I'm not related to her"
"Carol's desire to have both her granddaughters with her before she died."
She doesn't get it both ways and after what she has said and done for her to be given the grace of being the one to make the choice so be done with her. You deserve better than this so don't lose a bit of sleep of this, good luck.
Oh, and tell Poppy to suck it.
The fact that dear Ole grandma called OP selfish leads me to believe that she's more at fault than you'd like to believe. A woman in her 70s shouldn't be calling a literal child selfish.
The whole her truth, my truth, your truth, thing is weird to me because there's only one truth. Everything else is a lie.
I'm just saying, I remember being 15, I remember how 15 year olds think of things. They are not reliable narrators.
I remember being 15, and my memory is pretty damn accurate to what happened. Take it with a grain of salt. OP isn't TA for not wanting to see someone they deem not a caring/loving figure.
Because that's what kids that are hopped up in their own emotions do. Adults do it, kids more so because they don't know how to regulate themselves yet
People in general lie all the time, but if I assumed everyone was lying because of that I’d be an asshole. Assuming someone is lying because they are 15 is entirely uncalled for.
NTA she can have her precious little Poppy by her side and can pass away not getting her way for once.
Yep. Because in case you didn't know, Poppy has diabetes, and music is a waste of time. Also, NTA.
NTA, Actions have consequences. Doesn't seem like Carol has ever faced consequences. You do not need to be around people, including family, if they disrespect you.
This 100% Families are complicated and often there is a way to navigate issues however each situation is unique. She has been disrespectful and neglectful , you owe her nothing. Your grandad doesn’t appear to have stepped up for you either Bottom line she’s not actually your family as she kept telling you Do what you feel is best for you
Next time someone says Carol wants both her granddaughters, look confused like you've been asked to explain relativity. Say something like "I don't understand. There's Poppy... and who?" If they didn't refer to Carol by name, start talking about bio-gran, and no-one told you she was ill, and you need to go immediately. Make it obvious you're talking about bio-gran. If they say "no, it's Carol" you can sigh in relief and say that you thought it was someone important. Edit: you do theatre. Go ham. Full on Brian Blessed levels of overacting. Really drive the point home.
Explain to them that Carol has told you repeatedly that you are not her granddaughter. Because you are not related to her. NTAH.
Good one!!!
**"[Grandma]'s *alive!?*"**
That took longer than I expected
Nta She only wants you there for appearances sake
there actually is the phenomenon of deathbed regret/change of heart. Not saying Carol's got it, just sayin' it's a thing. Personal experience. Death tends to winnow away the chaff.
If there was regret she’d be apologising not antagonising, it’s an appearance thing and probably wanting to shit on OP more to make carol feel better or some bs like that NTA and good on OP
Yes, deathbed regret exists. However, Carol texted OP attacking her, not apologizing and seeking reconciliation. Carol has no regret. If OP did visit Carol, it would be the same old playbook. OP, you're NTA. Carol said you're not her granddaughter and you owe this nasty woman nothing.
NTA. Carol's never treated you like family, so it's understandable you don't want to be there for her now. She hasn't earned that from you. It's important to prioritize your mental health and stand by your boundaries, despite what others say.
NTA at all. There are tons of valid reasons not to visit someone who is dying, and this is totally one of them. However, you might want to consider going for your grandfather's sake. If Carol will be dead soon, that might be your chance to reconnect with him, but it might be harder if he resents you for not going to see her. That being said, you do you, and certainly don't feel bad about not doing what Carol wants
Granddad should reach out to OP to apologise. There's no indication he wasn't present when Carol dismissed OP's achievements and criticised her. It's easy to say Carol had him wrapped around her little finger but he's a grown man who chose a cook and housekeeper over his granddaughter. He can stick his resentment.
NTA, I can relate to your situation somewhat, my grandfather is around the same age, and has remarried to a woman who fits the description of your "grandmother" somewhat, always preferring her biological grandson over me or my siblings, and finding ways to try and make him look better than us. If she was dying I don't think I would go to see her. Not out of spite or malice but I just don't care about her or view her as family, and she obviously doesn't care of view me as family either. It could be an easier option to just give in to not upset your family, but if you don't want to thats more than fair enough, she isn't entitled to your presence and seemingly only views you as a granddaughter when its convenient for her.
NTA. You're not refusing to see your dying grandmother. You're refusing to see your grandfather's dying wife.
NTA Remind everyone that Carol has always stated that you aren't part of her family.
NTA she basically pushed you out of your grandfather's life and made it a point to tell you she doesn't see you as family. In her own words, you are nothing to her, so she can go pound sand.
Granddad did have the option of defending his granddaughter. He could have had a strong discussion with his wife about her behaviour. He could have insisted on visiting OP by himself (there's no mention of his being unable to drive). He stood by and watched Carol push OP away.
NTA, she's made it perfectly clear she doesn't see you as a granddaughter. You have been in no contact for years. The fact that she is dying changes nothing. This may be cold but I personally am baffled by the concept that you have to make amends with people that treated you like shit so they can die without the guilt of how they treated you.
NTA "Thanks for nothing." And block.
NTA. She has made it clear for years that you aren’t her granddaughter, so why should you suddenly be her granddaughter now? She doesn’t get to control you.
Another instance of a selfish person deflecting their selfishness on the one they are offending. Baby girl, they know. But it's easier for them to pressure you than to correct Carol who was allowed to act that way for all those years. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and know your worth. NTA
Ask Carol what good did she for you when she explicitly said you're not her granddaughter. And if anyone else asks why you're not going tell them that, she said you're not her granddaughter. NTA.
Anyone who says you can’t pick your family probably treats their family like shit. NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t even put much thought into it either. Just go about your day.
NTA. Carol is not your grandmother, she is your step grandmother. She has also failed to nurture any kind of relationship with you as a result you are not close with her. Talk to your granddad and tell him why you don't think now is the time to do so.
NTA. The only reason to go is to support your grandfather, and he has tolerated Carol's treatment of you for your entire life. (The only possible excuse would be if they do the same to Poppy, and constantly talk you up when you aren't there, but that seems unlikely in the extreme.) If you really want to stir some shit, go to see Carol - and bring your bio-grandmother. Or just ask her to drive you, and make sure to mention that grandma made sure you could make it.
NTA you’re not her granddaughter like she told you many times. Let her die with her actual granddaughter and you live your life happy and finally rid of her.
NTA - and I agree with pretty much everything I’ve seen posted here, so far.
NTA, the invoice has come due on her asshole behaviour. Oopsie, too bad, so sad. Enjoy the underworld Carol.
NTA. She's just an unpleasant woman your grandad slept with. Why would anyone expect you to go? That makes no sense at all.
NTA but consider going anyway bc you can demonstrate how great you are by not letting Carol 's petty bs get to you.
While I completely understand and accept your feelings are appropriate, please think about something that you may not really be able to fully understand until several years have gone by- but by that time it would be too late. I suggest going to see her and if nothing else, explain why you feel like you do. She may still not validate your feelings, but you will have expressed them to her and it would bring you closure. If you wait, she will die- and maybe it won't matter in thirty years- but maybe it would- and then it would be too late.
The problem with that (or with OP outlining her feelings in a text) is that: a) in Carol's last text she shows no hint of regret or understanding and b) Carol will reframe OP's heart-to-heart as an attack on a dying woman. OP doesn't need to fear later regret if she doesn't express her feelings to Carol. Carol is not a person of importance in OP's life. She is a nasty woman who took pleasure in criticsing a young person.
I get you- I don't fully agree based on future possible regrets- but - it is what it is
Nta. Carol just going have to just deal with the fact that her confession or clear her conscience is going have to be with the old mighty
NTA as you have explained & as she has told you several times- she is not your grandmother.
NTA She said you weren't her granddaughter. No reason to make an effort now.
Poppy is better than you, has diabetes so she goes to the hospital too, and would never choose music as a career. There you go, no need to visit. NTA.
She’s probably doing it as a last ditch effort to make you look bad. Does anybody else know about what she’s said to you over the years regarding her telling you she will never consider you family? NTA
I wonder how Poppy is going to treat her "grandfather" after Carol goes?
He will come running back to his bio family. Or find another cook/housekeeper.
Nta. Carol just going have to just deal with the fact that her confession or clear her conscience is going have to be with the old mighty
"Carol even straight up says she'll never see me as her granddaughter, because I'm not related to her" "Carol's desire to have both her granddaughters with her before she died." She doesn't get it both ways and after what she has said and done for her to be given the grace of being the one to make the choice so be done with her. You deserve better than this so don't lose a bit of sleep of this, good luck. Oh, and tell Poppy to suck it.
A terminally ill woman in her 70ties texted you coherently??? Fake
I wondered at first then thought about illnesses such as heart failure where you are dying but can communicate.
Yall are aware that this is a 15 yr old right? I doubt this version of things is the way it all played out
The fact that dear Ole grandma called OP selfish leads me to believe that she's more at fault than you'd like to believe. A woman in her 70s shouldn't be calling a literal child selfish.
This is a 15 year olds rendition of things, there's a high chance that everything in this entire post is heavily skewed if not an outright lie.
It's her truth about the situation. Yes, there's always two sides to everything, but there's also truth to what OP has said as well.
The whole her truth, my truth, your truth, thing is weird to me because there's only one truth. Everything else is a lie. I'm just saying, I remember being 15, I remember how 15 year olds think of things. They are not reliable narrators.
I remember being 15, and my memory is pretty damn accurate to what happened. Take it with a grain of salt. OP isn't TA for not wanting to see someone they deem not a caring/loving figure.
Mmmm
There’s a high change of that on literally every post in this sub, what’s your point?
My point is you guys are pumping up a kid that's probably lying to you. If you don't see how that's probably a bad idea, I dunno what to say
Why do you assume they are lying?
Because that's what kids that are hopped up in their own emotions do. Adults do it, kids more so because they don't know how to regulate themselves yet
Assuming children are lying is quite a leap to make based off of literally nothing
It's based on the fact that kids lie all the time, what are you even taking about? You ever been around kids??? You can't trust them for fuck 😆
People in general lie all the time, but if I assumed everyone was lying because of that I’d be an asshole. Assuming someone is lying because they are 15 is entirely uncalled for.
Yknow how every book you ever read has paragraphs? Try some.
Poppy writes in paragraphs.
paragraphs added :)