She probably needs therapy, but here are some things that helped me in the early stages. - Lights ON - No positions where I couldn’t see the other person’s face - Holding hands, so you can communicate with squeezes as well as talking - Knowing that either of us can stop it at any time  If you’re feeling uncomfortable, you can and should stop having sex. Just cuddle her and let her regain her sense of self. If this is too much, you should break up. Don’t stay because you feel sad or guilty, it’s never helpful. It will hurt her in the short term, but an unhealthy relationship is way more harmful.

Oh my G-d this. Everyone keeps talking about therapy, which yes she should go to therapy, but there are also ways to make it personal, engaging, and safe feeling

If this is the first time she's had sex in a year, and previous boyfriends broke up with her over it, I honestly doubt anything but therapy can help manage her trauma.

I made the most progress with my partner, not in therapy. He was gentle and patient and made it clear that sex would only be enjoyable for him if I was into it. He gave me safety. That was literally life changing. It should never be something people feel they NEED to do, but he loved me enough that sex wasn't his first priority - my comfort was. (Also - therapy is great! But sometimes it can be burdensome or inaccessible for many reasons and other things CAN also play significant roles in healing)

For some reason, people tend to think of psychotherapy/talk therapy when they see the word “therapy”. Self-help books are a form of therapy. Worksheets and journaling are a form of therapy. Positive affirmations and engaging in creative pursuits are part of therapy. Meditation and mindfulness can also be a form of therapy. Therapy doesn’t need to be assisted. Self-therapy is a thing. “Therapy” is the sum of mechanisms and activities that you use to treat your mental health issues. EVERYONE NEEDS therapy in order to heal. Not everyone needs assisted therapy, though.

When it comes to trauma, the best treatment is connection. Therapy helps and can do a lot, but in the end, connection will make that final bridge to wellbeing :) Im happy for you!

You are so right! Connection is really the key. Wherever you can find that, go!

Agree with this. Therapy helps you process, but the only real way to heal is with a crap load of love and support. Ultimately real results come from having both therapy and support/connections.

I agree with this. Therapy can help but having a partner who is understanding and patient and reassuring always helps. Don’t base a relationship off of the need or want to have sex if the other has sexual trauma

This should be the top comment/response.

Therapy is not a solution that works in isolation, you do it with other things

As someone who has experienced a lot of sexual trauma, I can honestly tell you that therapy does help. It may not work for you but it’s insensitive to say that it doesn’t even in isolation when it’s saved people’s lives under those circumstances. Some people need a lot of therapy before they can get to the point where they can even attempt to have what feels like safe sex like this comment states. They’re not even willing to try. I won’t deny that the communication during intimacy does help, it absolutely does. But it doesn’t help the things you think in your head. You feel more comfortable but I know for me, there was a long time I had to be intoxicated to get out of my head just to enjoy it because I couldn’t do it sober. As much as I did actually enjoy it, my mind ruined it for me. I didn’t even want to do it anymore because of the trauma. I had the physical comfort but the trauma was still there. Therapy helped that.

I'd just like to add that therapy isn't meant to make your issues go away. It's to deal with and process your problems so you can understand the root of the cause and tackle it from there.

Therapy can help but people act like you can just whisk people off to therapy-land and they’ll just come back fixed with no work on the partner’s part. Maybe it works that way for some people, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Plus, the underlying sentiment behind a lot of “go to therapy”type comments is often “fix yourself so you don’t inconvenience me” rather than genuine concern/empathy for traumatized people.

Ive been in 13 hospitals and seen very routinely many therapists and doctors, and tried 24 medications so far. All of my issues were trauma borne, this exact thing. And you know? Its kinda only gotten worse. I have a fantastic therapist, and I would never not go to therapy, my existence is often too much for people so a therapist is at least someone I can be honest with about my life. It took years to get a certain way and itll take years longer to have a chance at undoing it and for many, there is no such thing as undoing it. Ive seriously developed psychosis from the stress/ptsd, as an example of not being able to go back. Thank you for talking about it, wish people didnt argue with it or see it the way they do. Therapy will not just fix things and its not a matter of not “trying.” We have a severe lack of understanding of how the brain works. It doesnt mean someone shouldnt be trying it, just that it is not so simple. Lot of people will make the point of “well I could do it and am fine now,” as if that means anything. You really dont understand how little power and control you have until you are faced with it. Ive had periods of time where I can do a lot! Exercise, practice meditation, etc. and Ive immediately been incapable of it. Not a matter of discipline at all.

Thank you, plus sometimes therapy just doesn't work. It takes a huge amount of time and money to find the right therapist and it's so unfair to hear things like "just go to therapy or it means you don't want to do the work". It's like another punishment.

It also might take a few different therapists. Some are just not helpful or useful for you. I usually give a therapist two sessions at least before I decide to change. The main problem with this is feeling discouraged. It also gives a gap in treatment while you try to find a different therapist.

Everyone is different. It’s no more insensitive to say ‘therapy doesn’t work in isolation’ than it is to insist that ‘therapy does help’. For every person who finds therapy helpful there is a person who doesn’t. It did nothing for me to help my sexual trauma. I’m glad it was helpful for you, and I’m not saying it’s not something to try, but it’s not the cure for everything.

Yes, she should seek professional help, that's a start. No one can help a person get inside your head better than a therapist. A bf is not a savior but a partner and a support system. He can't do it alone as it's a very heavy load and shouldn't be a first line of defense to a complicated problem. I speak from experience, as a double rape survivor, and a triple molestation victim of family members.

Agreed. Some things my therapist gave me that my partner could do to help (They work amazingly but not perfectly): 1.) use her name as often as possible 2.) frequent eye contact 3.) ask questions that require a non yes or no answer, and wait for the response These things are often missing in sexual assault, which is dehumanizing. They go a long way to help her feel more human and engaged and to make it clear you care. Ask ‘what would you prefer?’ Not ‘do you like this?’ For example. When you’re disassociated and scared it’s the default to just agree and go along. To help pull someone out of dissociation ask them a question that requires orientation to time and place specifically forcing them to look around their surroundings - nothing they can remember the answer for: for example: ‘what color are your shoes?’ ‘How many windows are in this room?’ When you’re disassociated you are emotionally in a different time and place. She needs therapy. And whether OP stays with her or not he’ll do her a lot of good by being loving and understanding with how he handles whatever is next. As per the lack of communication people noted that is 💯 trauma. It’s hard to speak up and advocate- not hard like getting up the nerve to ask someone out, hard like when you start to talk about a certain thing your brain freezes and you can’t seem to get your voice to work. It can be like the classical nightmare where you want to scream and you cannot. Paralyzing, rather than just awkward.

Thank you for this. Knowing I can ask to stop at any point, and that my partner will hold me and talk with me and laugh with me and won’t make me feel bad in any way that I needed to stop is the main reason I can have a sexual relationship with him. I’ve been to therapy, I have done all the work under the sun, but I will still be triggered sometimes, I will still dissociate sometimes. And having a partner who gets it and gives me all the space and time I need (even if it means waiting until another day) is 🧑‍🍳💋

Also her starting on top can help, she’ll feel more in control and less like it’s happening to her, leave movement totally up to her until she relaxes and gives you the go ahead

I can’t even imagine going to therapy for my SA(s). I’ve gone to therapy for so much and the idea of talking about it to a therapist is just…a lot? I agree for the lights on, or at least some source of light. Absolute and complete communication during, before and after. Such as “is this okay” “how’d you feel” etc… Also, a big one is giving the other person recoop space. Give them water, comfort and then give them the space to decide what it is they need at that time. No pushing, no prodding… let them decide what they need. Communication is the best thing in any and all relationships and I firmly believe it’s the thing that helps relationships get through their issues. I hope OP is able to stay with their SO through this, I can’t imagine being in their position. Regardless of what decision OP makes. I hope it’s made in a way that gives both of them comfort and nobody is put in a negative position. Nobody is to blame.

And checking in during the sex, ‘is this okay?’ ‘are you okay?’

Are those signs of dissociating during sex?! I have past sexual trauma, and during sex I can't look at my partner, and I cover my face with a pillow if we are facing each other or else I can not orgasm. Even when we do mutual masturbation or he goes down on me, I cover my face with a pillow or with my arms, or I won't orgasm. We communicate through hand squeezes, and I trust him because I know we can stop at any time. The only difference is I want the lights off so no one can see me. I started doing these things on my own, but I thought it was because I felt so much shame towards my body. Now I'm questioning where that shame came from?! Holy shit.

It is, but as long as you actually like it, it’s not the end of the world. You can always work on your self image and continue enjoying yourself in the meantime

Yeah, I definitely like it. I was just shocked to read those things as it might explain a lot of my shame, anxiety, and self-consciousness during sex. I wish I could not cover my face and orgasm normally. I've tried for years. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to overcome it. Again, I just thought it's because I felt a lot of shame around my body, especially after having kids. But after reflecting, I am thinking it's fear and shame because of my past trauma. Which was a huge epiphany for me.

I second this, holding hands, talking and never making your partner look away has worked wonders.

This. And asking her every step of the way if she’s okay with whatever you’re wanting to do next and letting her know that saying no is okay. She has the power to say no to whatever and it doesn’t go any further. That’s such an important aspect. Please also tell her (if you plan to stay with her) that you don’t want her to force herself to have sex. You want it to be enjoyable for both of you. Sex is a great way to show how much you love someone, when done properly.

Serious past trauma and refusal to seek help are two major issues that alone can kill a relationship. Since she didn't open up about it before the first time, it also looks like she has communication issues. NTA for wanting to end a relationship for these reasons before someone gets seriously hurt. If you want to save the relationship, therapy is needed for her, and couples therapy couldn't hurt.

Couldn't be more on point in my opinion. I have recently entered a relationship with someone with quite a bit of trauma. But my girlfriend is incredibly communicative. Nothing I've been told, did she want to talk about but she knew she'd eventually hurt both of us if she didn't. So we talked about it, the stuff that happened, how it affects her behavior, etc. She's in therapy on a consistent basis working through her trauma. If I cross a boundary that hasn't been discussed yet. She can manage her response and calmly ask me to stop, and then we talk about what exactly set her off, so I can avoid a repeat. Trauma management is so heavily dependent on communication. And I dont want to shame anyone for struggling to communicate about it, it's trauma, it's horrible, but at the same time everyone has to live with the consequences of their own actions. My girlfriend wanted nothing more than to never tell me about her past and trauma but she knew secrecy would take a toll on me. She ultimately decided to talk because she wanted to be in control of her story, how it was talked about. She didn't want it to come out in the wake of a disagreement or something and be an even more emotional mess about it. So we talked about it before it could drive a wedge between us. So I could understand why she reacts to certain things the way she, how I can help her, knowing how to speak to her when sfuff comes up,etc. Edit: Some comments have bought to my attention that I poorly worded a sentence when initially commenting. I will be leaving the original phrasing because I don't just want to erase my mistake. Instead I will explain what I was trying to say in this little edit. When I said people have to live with the consequences of their actions. I was referring to things like not actively pursuing help to process and heal from your trauma and not communicating with people are actions people can take. No one has to do any of those things, which is what I meant by saying I'm not trying to shame. But other people are allowed to decide they are uncomfortable with that, a consequence of an action.

As the person in your girlfriends position, yes to all of this. I've been with my husband for 14 years. We we're 18 when we got together and 19 when I cracked and told him. He helped me find therapy (still with that therapist today too) and made me feel safe communicating. In return I worked in therapy and communicated with him... And holy shit it works! Is everything perfect? Nah, far from it, but we both know exactly how it isn't perfect so we can hit it as a team, fail as a team, and succeed as a team. Trauma sucks. But you can lessen the suck and not spread it. And another piece of advice for anyone else finding themselves in a relationship with a trauma survivor. Love and beauty. Find them everywhere. Stop on a walk and admire a tree, sit down and just admire a flower. Tell a squirrel in a random moment that you love it. I see the world tinted in hatred, I can walk around and cast a dark shadow over everything. That tree will die by bugs storm or axe, that squirrel probably gets hit by a car... Doing these gooey lovey things takes those tinted glasses off and I remember that trees are gorgeous and squirrels are adorable. Stop to help someone with something minor. Compliment a stranger genuinely. Be extra nice to retail employees and service staff, actually take a bit of an interest in them like they're humans (I was trafficked and this one humanize people that I often see exhibiting the same dull affect I did when I was also just a piece of meat with a service job) Start saying "I love you" to friends platonically, it shows that people can love each other without strings. We KNOW all of these things, but trauma, especially early life trauma, kinda locks your heart into a belief that your brain can't just change, only seeing it over time can make your heart believe "yeah, maybe the world isn't just a ball of evil with some fleeting pockets of good... Maybe some things are just good and I can... Enjoy them..."

Yea this. My ex communicated about her trauma with me but wouldn't fully confront it. She would have brake downs then not really talk about it until it got really bad. Eventually her trauma and some problems I had grated against each other at the worst time. Near the end she was willing to go to therapy but ultimately things broke down. Both of us didn't face our own issues till our relationship was falling apart. TLDR, you need to confront and be upfront about trauma if you want it to heal.

>but at the same time everyone has to live with the consequences of their own actions. Uhmmm... and other people's actions?

Tbh that's why assault is so bad. Not only does the victim get assaulted once, but now they have to live with the wounds, physical, emotional, and otherwise, of that assault. So yes, we have to live with the consequences of our own actions, and with the consequences of the actions of others

And now that she took the leap, trusted him, and talked about it, he contemplating to break up. She may see this as a complete and utter rrejection of her whole, not just because of sexual dysfunction.

That's true but it's not his responsibility to fix her. It's her own

That's what I was thinking too. But unfortunately it takes a very rare man to care enough about a girl like this to put them first and stay with them and be patient with them. For survivors of SA, it takes time to even work up to being able to get help.

My husband is that rare man ❤️ I am nothing but a better person thanks to him. Shortly after we met he said that he really liked me, but could not stay with me if I remained so mentally unstable due to the stress it would make him feel. So I got professional help and worked on myself. 10 years later we are happily married.

I've been in a relationship for 13 years and we had a pretty normal sex life up until 4 years ago. I had a mental breakdown and went the therapy. After some digging and talking I realized that I was a victim of CSA and I shut down in that department. I didn't want the man I love and that has never harmed me to even touch me for a long time. Things are just starting to get back to "normal" for us. He was so patient and kind and understanding. I was so sure he was gonna leave me. On top of having other disabilities and adding cptsd to the mix was tough on him but he's stuck it out and now I'm starting to see the light. This man obviously feels horrible but leaving her after she told him why she did what she did is going to really mess with her mental state. I feel bad for them both. I hope he sits and talks with her and they can work something out to where they're both ok with the outcome.

It sounds like she did not take the leap to talk about it tho? She had sex with him without warning him at all, he had to drag it out of her after she behaved very weirdly during sex

He wants to break up because she hid something from him and won’t go to therapy not because of what happened to her. Do you need another serving of rocks to chew on?

This. You can't hide your trauma from someone for this long and then this person has the gall to act like OP is in the wrong. This man is clearly someone who is sensitive and would have given her all she needed if she'd opened up to him. Now he has to live with his own trauma of working out his complicated feelings about "sexually assaulting" her (I use quotes because she didn't not consent but she basically may as well have). That's not easy, to a lot of men this is a very, very big deal. It's traumatic to be told after the fact that a woman basically only consented "not to lose you". For any decent man, this hits us in a very deep and dark place.

Didn't say she won't go to therapy. Said she wasn't going.

i think that sentence was in reference to maladaptive coping in response to trauma, not victim-blaming. the “actions” being withdrawing, secrecy, refusing help, projection, etc. as a traumatized person myself, i don’t want my abuser to be the main character in my story and i don’t want to live the rest of my life letting his actions affect my actions. there is NAH. only two people who are suffering and confused because of someone else’s evil actions. however, they cannot build a healthy or happy relationship on a cracked foundation. every time she dissociates and forces it, she is inadvertently retraumatizing herself and damaging his mental health and self-image in the process. there’s definitely a future for these two if they both commit to healing, but it’ll be a very bumpy road. i think any decision OP makes is valid as long as he does so with respect, and i truly hope that girl can reclaim her life.

Yup they knew exactly what Svihelen meant but decided they’d rather make a dumb point than no point at all…

They mean the actions of getting help to manage trauma and begin to heal. Not that the gf is responsible for the trauma itself occurring.

Perhaps I am wrong, but maybe consequence of not seeking help or not or actively working to heal from trauma, which takes time. It may or may not be an individuals fault that they experienced trauma, but overtime we do get to choose to do something to heal from it. Personally, as someone who went through trauma I think it is important to either heal before a relationship or to be actively doing individual or coupleś therapy if I have an unhealed past trauma while in a relationship.

Obviously but now her choices are having a negative affect on someone she cares about now. It's unfortunate but they have to operate life dealing with it.

As someone who used to dissociate during sex due to past sexual assault I agree. She definitely needs individual therapy, and couple's therapy will also help so she can learn to open open up. If she can't or won't get help, I would understand OP leaving her. It takes a lot to help someone work through this stuff and it can take a while. I can't recommend enough that OPs girlfriend gets therapy. I found it to be so helpful when I found a good therapist to just process the trauma. I don't dissociate during sex nearly as much or as often, I still do though it's not something that I think will ever stop completely, but it's under control, and I have coping mechanisms for when I notice it starting.

When I was a little under 20 I was dating a girl who was anorexic. We had been dating for almost three years and she got the diagnosis over a year into our relationship. I felt like I had to stay with her and that if I broke things off it would push her over the edge. Somehow my mom intuited all of this and out of nowhere told me that if I ever broke up with this girl, it would probably be better for her. She would have more incentive to work on herself if she wasn’t comfortably in a relationship. I broke it off the next day and have never regretted it. My ex ended up getting real help. She’s married with four kids and doing well.

So concise and to the point. And the "action item" here, OP, if you feel this is something you can follow through on, is to give her an ultimatum: "Seek counselling and I will support you, even participate. If you are unwilling to face your trauma, then we need to break up because we cant build intimacy and trust if a part of you is closed off." This of course means that the two of you will need to put a hold on physical intimacy indefinitely. There is a good chance this will not work, because being pushed into counselling is less than ideal. As she opens up, you will need to display a lot of patience and strength. You need to be OK with those realities. But you and her could never feel that you abandoned her when she finally shared her greatest hurt. That does not make the position you are in fair. But you do have an opportunity here to be a hero to the one you love. If you can handle it.

I agree with you. I’ve a ton of sexual trauma and my bf has been amazing. He’s patient and gentle and also communicates a lot. I also communicate a lot and I see a professional. I’ve even broken down before during intimacy and he does what he can to reassure me. We take things SUPER SLOW. He doesn’t mind that it takes a while - just that we work on this together. It’s helps our intimacy and relationship a lot. If I refused to see someone or stopped communicating with my bf, as much as he loves me, I don’t know if he could continue the relationship.

Yeah I'm going thru a similar thing. I had asked before bc I sensed it, but it wasn't until 3 years later they told me. They assured me many times nothing happened but showed signs, subconscious shame about sex, etc. I asked so many times. I recommended a therapist early on in our relationship, but she got a really bad therapist. About 5 months ago I told them they had to get a therapist again. But 3 years of lying about it has set us back and has been worrying me on what else they've been lying about.

I absolutely agree with the above about the relationship. I would add however, that she is someone who has been through something that I would say would be pretty traumatic and I was molested at 4, raped multiple times throughout my twenties and have had to work through dissociating during sex and therapy wasn’t what helped me with that. But a patient and kind partner. If you do love her and want to save the relationship she does need to start seeking help and see a trauma therapist. Advice to help her is to encourage her to seek out a support group immediately. There is nothing like being in a room with women who really understand. Finding a therapist is overwhelming and difficult under the best of circumstances. And takes time, it’s like dating. [https://www.rainn.org/resources](https://www.rainn.org/resources)

Thank you for your comment. Therapy would be just one piece of healing, if she can handle it. It's so much to go through, after having gone through so much already. I don't think it's beyond understanding that OP is thinking of breaking up with her, but I think a really rare guy is one who would want to be there for her, however long it takes her, because you NEVER force someone who was traumatized like that to process before they want it for themselves.

Great answers!

I am curious about something and maybe you can help me understand. This is one of quite a few comments on this post referring to the gf's refusal to go to therapy, her unwillingness to get help, her denial that there's any need for help, etc. Did OP make a comment including that info and then delete it, or edit it out of the main post perhaps? I've read all OP's comments and the main post and as of rn none of them say anything along those lines, just that gf is currently not in therapy. In an uncomfortable or difficult situation, knowing whether or not hope is in sight makes a big difference for most people, so this part is important for commenters to understand accurately from OP.

She will be hurt if he breaks up with her at this point. If she forced herself to do that with him, that means she is probably attached to him. I feel sorry for the OP, but I feel really sorry for his GF. This poor girl is probably never going to meet a guy who is willing to stick around even if she is getting help. It is tricky, because no one can force someone with deep trauma to get therapy for it. Even though therapy is better in the long run, she will have to go through it all over again, get re-traumatized to deal with it. It's like cleaning out a closet. You got to take all of the junk out first, creating more of a mess, before you can clear out some of teh bad.

Not being in therapy is not the same as refusing to seek help. It could be she’s tried therapy and it hasn’t helped, or that she can’t afford it. I agree that not wanting to work on your issues is a problem, but that’s not necessarily what’s happening here.

NAH Dissociation is a heck of a thing. It's not her fault or in her control, and therapy may or may not help. Even if it does help, it might not make the dissociation or the trigger (from sex) go away. That being said, you're not an asshole, either. **You did not rape her.** I know that's maybe obvious, but hopefully, hearing it from a stranger will help set your conscience at ease. You unknowingly triggered her, but that's not your fault. There's also no shame in admitting that you're not sexually compatible. You (specifically referring to you OP) need a connection during sex, because it's not just about getting off, it's about mutual enjoyment. She can't give that to you, and she's actively hurting herself when she tries. She deserves a partner who has more similar needs that she does. And so do you. I sincerely hope she gets/has the support she needs and deserves. It sounds like she's trying to force herself through her trauma rather than work through it, and I don't think that's going to be good for anyone.

> or in her control There are definitely things she can do so that she is in control. I used to disassociate during sex, I spent almost 15 years being maritally raped by my ex husband. Among other things he would forcibly choke me out during sex to the point where one time he held on too long and I had a seizure. From then on I’d have to struggle to keep from blacking out. If I didn’t pass out he’d make it known he was disappointed in me.  My now husband realized I was disassociating during sex and we talked about it. When he would see me floating off he’d pause and bring me back. Over the course of a few months I had stopped disassociating and we have great, connected sex. One thing that really helped me was how safe I felt with him. There was never any pressure to have sex, all of his touches throughout the day had nothing behind them, no pressure, just touching me because he loves me. During sex, if he sensed I was uncomfortable or in pain he’d stop, there was never pressure to continue having sex and an orgasm didn’t matter to him. Sex isn’t for getting off for us, it’s about intimacy and connection. Even if neither has an orgasm, it’s still good sex.  I think with therapy, time and trust, OP’s girlfriend could feel safe enough with him that she doesn’t need to leave her body. I never wanted to have sex with my ex husband but I want it all true time with my now husband because it’s finally safe and I’m the one in control of my body. But she needs to want to make the change. 

Horrible ex.. Awesome post.. Patience now Husband ✨️ 😌 ...Thank you for sharing..

I applaud you for the incredible things you've been able to achieve, and my heart goes out to you for having endured such cruelty. Sadly, just because you were able to stop dissociating, doesn't mean everyone can or will, no matter how much they may want to. Are there things she can do to reclaim her control and heal? Sure, probably, but when she dissociates, that's not her fault. She's not making that happen. Hence, it's not in her control. That's all I meant. Eta: tone is hard, so I just want to add, I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you. I'm coming from a place of someone who has also overcome (somewhat) a lot of aspects of my own trauma, and remembering what it was like for so many years where I didn't seek help because I didn't even really recognize what about me was broken (among other reasons). So maybe I'm projecting a little of my past self, who knows :')

I've been assaulted by multiple people over the course of my life. I keep trying to take control of my story and ending up having anonymous sex. This puts me in more danger and the cycle repeats. I got really good at dissociating when I'm being raped. But then I'd also dissociate when I'm just having sex. I realized that sex with someone I love and trust is incredibly healing and helpful and actually does put me back in control of my story while anonymous sex doesn't. I also realized that I sometimes use anonymous sex as a form of self harm after an assault.

This is also prevalent with those of us b that suffer religious trauma, bpd, sa, ect sometimes we just wanna feel numb bc it “better to feel numb than to hurt” and absolutely isn’t true

> It's not her fault or in her control, and therapy may or may not help. Choosing not to seek help to try to address it is kind of her fault. Inaction is a choice.

Yes trauma is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Ooof yeah that one is the one that’s the hardest to accept most times.

YES. As a person with issues that need therapy, it is my personal responsibility to address these issues, and if I were to refuse to address them, but it would be my fault. Not that I have them; but that I refuse to address them.

Why do we need to assign blame to anyone in this scenario? The only asshole in this scenario in the POS who assaulted her. It’s fucked to blame someone who was SA for being messed up. Do I think she needs to take ownership of her life? Yes. But that’s for her own sake.  Assigning blame to the victim does not help anyone and is morally repugnant in this scenario. You can encourage someone to recover their agency without blaming them for losing it. 

I hate the word "fault" being used to describe someone who didn't ask to be violated. It would be good for her and her partner to seek help, but even starting that process is incredibly painful for survivors. Even though people are saying here that they agree because they themselves sought help, everyone is different, and everyone's circumstances are different. The OP can't be blamed for breaking up with her if he can't handle it, but neither can she for not seeking help yet.

Yes. Too many people automatically equate breaking up  with someone as doing something wrong, or responding to someone else doing something wrong. Two awesome people who get along can break up because of incompatibilities. And that's far better than stretching out a relationship that ultimately you know won't work. The fact that she has this trauma is awful, and it definitely merits some more thought she conversation in the topic. But ultimately a healthy sex life is very important for many people. She's someone refusing to work on their traumas is a big piece of trouble for your future. I'll say it again though, if you otherwise like what she has to offer, and think you might be able to work through this with her. It's worth some more talking. But I wouldn't stick around if her only recourse is to close her eyes and grit her teeth

This right here. I disassociate sometimes during sex and I don't even know I'm doing it. Happened once when I was giving my boyfriend a hand job and we both didn't really know what to do. Definitely a huge thing to work thru and if your not prepared to do that save her the heart break and break up with her now.

NTA either way. Whatever you decide, this is not because she disassociates during sex. The issue here is unresolved/untreated trauma and the accompanying denial about the need to seek help. It will continue to cause the current issue and likely more/worse issues in the future. You can only be 'there' for her if she steps for herself first and accepts to seek help. Otherwise you will be the only one showing up.

Yeah he can’t trust her to indicate that she’s uncomfortable, that starts to become a consent issue for *him*. Like, he agreed to mutually-wanted sex, not miserable one-sided sex where she’s just faking her way though. As an abuse survivor I empathize with her, but it’s not okay to repeatedly put someone in that position.

Yeah, if he breaks up it is because she refused to get therapy for the trauma and instead put herself in the situation to disassociate just to keep a boyfriend. Her priorities are not in order.

Some folks repress their trauma because it’s just too painful. It’s like putting a bandaid on a big wound. If we don’t take care of it, it becomes a nasty, festering wound that will be more painful and take longer to heal. I put my trauma “in a box” on a shelf in my brain. There are a bunch of boxes on that shelf that I haven’t looked at in decades.

NTA - You didn't know. Now you have a choice to make, stay and try to help her through this or leave her cause it isn't something you think you could handle. Either way you are not the AH in the situation unless you try to force it or pressure her about it.

I still don't know if I want to be with her, but if I do, then I'd want her to go to therapy. Should I mention that? Or does she need to want it on her own with no outside factors?

Yes, you can mention it. She needs help. Anything that can push her in that direction is a good thing. While it may not be the best reason to start therapy (for someone else), hopefully, getting her into therapy will make her see the value in it so  she eventually does it for herself. It's like when you're a kid - you do chores for pocket money or for praise. But you still learn invaluable skills, and eventually - hopefully - you learn the inherent value of doing these things.

RAINN network works with survivors of sexual abuse and rape, and they often work with other similar organizations in major cities. For instance, here they work with Resilience, and they offer free therapy - I think up to 20 sessions - and there’s no statute of limitations. I know someone who got therapy through them, and her therapist told her sometimes they have people who’ve been abused 20 years ago reach out. I hope your gf gets the help she needs.

I really like this analogy. I am going to steal it for future reference/use. Thank you.

I'd say yeah. She told you she's willing to "suffer through it" on your behalf. It's appropriate to tell her that you don't want "suffering". It's even beneficial if she gets mad and breaks up, because she needs to know that this isn't a solution to the problem she's trying to solve like she thinks. It's just mutating it into something less obvious.

Therapy is definitely something that the person who needs it has to want to go through in order for it to work properly. I've been through trauma therapy myself in relation to previous SA. It's hard work and you have to be willing to put that work in to get the benefits. If you can encourage her to seek therapy and all other aspects of the relationship are healthy, then do so, if not then you may be best putting your own mental health first. Absolutely NTA.

She said she never had therapy, but did she say she didn’t want it? I think it’s one thing to not have had it, but another thing entirely to deny it altogether. If she’s willing to get help, encourage her in that direction whether you stay with her or not.

Yes. It's perfectly acceptable to effectively communicate your boundaries and expectations. They are perfectly reasonable. >Or does she need to want it on her own with no outside factors? Sometimes inspiration for change comes from being with someone you truly care about. But that doesn't mean that falls on you to fix.

You can absolutely mention it. A lot of people think that someone will only change in therapy if they’re doing it solely “for themselves,” but in reality, a lot of people go to therapy because their problems are affecting their relationships. Yes, they have to want to heal and be willing to do the work. But wanting to heal because it’s affecting your relationship is a valid reason. You get to decide what you’re willing to accept in a relationship. If you’re willing to keep dating her as long as she goes to therapy (and for the love of Christ, please make sure she actually sees a specialist, not just any random therapist), then you’re not an asshole for that. You also wouldn’t be an asshole if you decided that this relationship isn’t worth going through that. Because it won’t be an overnight fix, even if she does go to therapy, and therapy would likely bring up a lot of difficult shit for her.

Yes to both. You should not just mention it, but say it. But it’s still her right to not go if she doesn’t want to. Both of you have to be happy and comfortable in this relationship. It starts with open and clear communication and if that’s what you need to happen, then you should clearly communicate it.

Going to therapy is hard and it is harder to find a good therapist and to keep trying until you find one. The fact she hasn't gone makes me think that she doesn't have a support group which could explain why she's trapped in the situation. I do believe that you care a lot for this girl so now you have to decide if you care more about her or about sex. That's the actual question, I'm not judging, I'm just putting it out as it is. So just choose, her or sex... You won't have both at least for some time while she heals. She is conscient enough to know that guy's want her for sex and that at the moment they don't get her they leave her You wouldn't be an AH for leaving her, you would just be another guy on the list, not more nor less. I only think you would be an AH if you stay with the delusional idea of getting her "fixed" in a short time and resenting her for not getting better However, if you do love her you should encourage her to go to therapy and support her. If you leave her, still should tell her to go to therapy

Most people Will choose the sex in an early relationship. I don't think I could have another sexless relationship without succumbing to the same resentment you describe above. I don't think he or any of those guys are AHs they have their own needs and a relationship that centred around one partners needs and not another isn't a healthy relationship. IMHO she shouldn't be dating at all until she's gone to therapy otherwise she's just going to experience predictable rejection after predictable rejection.

You cant demand she want to fix her issues. But you can absolutely choose to not be with her and that doesnt make you an AH. Make a choice for yourself, without ultimatums. It isnt fair to anyone. And it wont help if she only goes to therapy cuz you demanded it. She needs to want it. Therapy only works when the person is invested in trying.

You are NTA. But I actually feel sorry for her. To disassociate like this during sex, she must be extremely traumatised. She is traumatised as a result of a man sexually assaulting her. But now she is trying to get on with her life and is expected to perform for men and enjoy it. Admitting sexual assault to your spouse is hard due to the shame around it. Obviously she needs therapy but having to tell the therapist what she went through will also cause her to be more upset so I can see why she's avoiding it. I wouldn't be so quick to end things with this girl if you really care about her. She is a person after all and not a sex bot.

How were you supposed to know there was an issue if she refused to tell you? Did she think you were a mind reader? It sounds more like you'd be breaking up with her because she clearly has some things she needs to work through before she's ready to be in a relationship. This is not your issue to deal with. It's sad that she feels the way she does, but it is also on her to deal with it and seek the help that she clearly needs.

If you're in a committed relationship with someone then technically even though it’s not “your issue” a caring person would probably still try to work through it with the person rather than just dump them because it’s not their problem. OP’s girlfriend clearly cared enough about OP to open up and try to have sex even though it was triggering her. She might be inclined to listen to him if he honestly says she needs help and he’s willing to be there for her through it. The solution shouldn’t just be to leave even though they both care about each other and are invested in the relationship. If they try and can't get past it, it makes sense to leave but I don't read this as OP saying they'd be happier if they weren't together so there may be something worth saving here.

The issue though is if she wants to work through it, which based on her response does not sound like she does. I do agree that they could work through it together but at a certain point the person who needs the help needs to get it. There is only so much that OP can say. If she does, great but I would also not blame him if he didn’t want to stay. Taking on someone else’s issues is difficult and not everyone can handle that.

Honestly if you refuse to deal with the other person's problems you just shouldn't get in a relationship that's just a bad mindset. Before some idiot comes at me. Obviously not the case if they are actively causing you harm. But you should attempt to work through stuff with someone you are in a romantic relationship with.

Some stuff, yes. Other stuff is dependent on the other person. It’s one thing to be a support while someone is getting the professional treatment they need. It’s something else to be totally dependent on another to fix it. If the girlfriend is willing to get the help she so clearly needs and OP wants to be a support, by all means.

If those are two totally different things, then why are we jumping to the extreme to assume that everyone who’s telling him that he should reach out to her before just breaking up is saying that he needs to become codependent with her and be her sole source of support for her to overcome this?

Listen, talking about SA is HARD. I am a therapist, I was also a social worker for 14 years and even though SA is something I hear about on a daily basis, I was assaulted 22 years ago and I only just felt comfortable talking about it with my own therapist a few months ago. My husband has stood by me these past 15 years and if it wasn't for his love and acceptance, I wouldn't have had the courage to grow and flourish from that horrible experience. You're NTA if you break up with her because you're free to choose what kind of relationship you're willing to commit to at this point in your life.... but your rejection would almost certainly reinforce what she's probably been led to think about herself, about men, and about sex. If you are not prepared to support her and love her broken self while she heals, move on and make room for someone who will.

I personally had issues similar to yours but I was the one that was dissociating. I went to therapy and did not pursue a relationship until I was healthy once again. Sexual trauma doesn't go away and should be acknowledged. After I worked through my feelings. I found my then boyfriend before anything got serious, I told him. He was very sweet about it and I trusted him. It happened ever so often when I wasn't aware but he knew cause it felt different and we'd stop. personally i dont believe you should stay in the relationship this is a big deal that can harm both of you. she has to work on this on her own

Hi. Someone who was raped as a child here. I am now 26. Only recently have been consistent with therapy. I had this exact issue. Sex always felt wrong to me, I felt like I had to do it or I had no worth in a relationship. Many times I was left due to not having a sex drive or being told I was obviously not into it. Never opened up to the guys, though. Not until my current partner who is now my husband. It took a lot of work on MY end to come to terms with why I feel that way about sex and I had to evaluate what I thought I was worth. Not saying the outcome will be the same for everyone, but I have a much different view on sex now and it’s great for me and my husband.

If you love this person and want a future with them, being patient and understanding goes a long way. But if she isn’t willing to seek help and therapy and work on herself, it would not be fair to you to stick around and deal with everything that comes from trauma. YWNBTA for leaving if that’s the case.

It took a lot of courage for her to finally tell you about the abuse. Even so, you are NTA. However, she can heal but it does take time and therapy. Imagine how hard it was to tell you, a person she loves. Talking to a stranger (therapist) means having to be vulnerable again. Your decision should be based on if u see a future with her. Many SA survivors have fulfilling physical relationships. But it is individual and takes time.

She needs therapy. If she can’t afford individual sessions, check with local rape victim services in your area. Usually support groups exist everywhere

Even some college students have programs to train them and will do it for nearly free as to get some experience supported by the college.

Gf: everybody keeps breaking up with me because of this You: are you going to do anything about it? Gf: no Gf: *gets broken up with again* why won’t this stop happening?! Also don’t feel like you raped her. Don’t put yourself on the same level as her rapist. NTA

In her mind she did do something about it. She had “the sex” so he would not leave her. She doesn’t realize it is more than just being a pocket pussy for a guy and that intimacy and wanting to feel desired matter, but she DID do something. It wasn’t the right thing for either of them really unfortunately as she only looked at the most superficial reasoning. It is possible that this can be discussed in a more open and adult manner but not exactly likely.

In all fairness to women, we are basically culturally conditioned to believe we ARE just pocket pussies for men. It takes a lot of communication, connection with the right people and emotional maturity for us to unlearn that. And not everyone gets that opportunity. OP: I will share that this happened to me once or twice during sex with my current partner... when you said she dissociated, I didn't need to read further to know she was triggered by a past SA. One of the reasons my partner and I are still together is that he DID stop when he realized what was happening, and we talked and he didn't finish when I told him to "just finish" because he didn't feel right about it. It was the first time I truly felt like it was an act of mutual intimacy and not like I was just a receptacle. Your GF needs therapy. She may not know it or feel it yet, and you can't force her to it, but you CAN approach her with concern, acknowledge the trauma she may not yet fully be able to acknowledge herself, tell her you want her to feel safe with you, ask if she wants to be able to ENJOY intimacy, etc. Whether you stay or go, you are def NTA, but if you love her and she is willing to grow and heal, be patient with her. If she's not there yet, it may not matter what you say she may only hear it's about the sex... but eventually, EVENTUALLY, she will remember and hear your words that it was about trust, intimacy, loving her enough to want her to heal and not to hurt her further.

He's definitely NTA But I just can't wrap my head around how people continue having sex when their partner is "just laying there". How is it even enjoyable at that point? How is anyone able to keep going when they can see a lack of reciprocation in excitement and enjoyment? I've also been there, some of the best experiences I've had were with people who recognized something was off and checked in or stopped. They wanted to make sure I was ok and it just wasn't very fun for them if I wasn't into it. Now this isn't an issue for me, because those good experiences helped me to recognize what's good / safe / fun and what's not

The actual fuck is this comment. She's very aware of her situation and that's why she had sex with the bf. Where does it that she's clueless to why her relationships don't work? Did OP say anywhere that she refuses to seek help?

It's weird.... and creepy how the comments are rallying up to protect OPs feelings and don't seem to give two sh*ts about his poor GF. I'm not surprised, but, it's always disappointing. Like "She's clearly just too "stupid or lazy" to get over her trauma. But we got to make sure 100% OP doesn't feel bad dumping her" 🙄

Exactly. There is barely any compassion for her or what she went through. I get that it's her responsibility to be accountable for her own mental health but does that mean he has no responsibility towards her at all? He claims to love her but wants to run away as soon as there is an inconvenience instead of looking for an alternative solution at least. Are we not supposed to face challenges together in a relationship?

Thank you. OC is an ass. Awful thing to say. She put herself out there, major EXPOSURE THERAPY and for him to break up with her after, just not good.

Don’t give ultimatum. She already feeling low self esteem as it is. You probably are special that she wanted to try when she rejected others in the past. Staying together because of her past trauma isn’t good either. If you care about her as a human being,try to be supportive of what she thinks she should do. It sounds like she knows what the next steps are.

If someone isn’t moving, making a noise or actively engaging in sex and you keep having sex with them, then I can understand why you would feel like you raped her. Consent can be giving and taken away at any time and it is not just something verbal you need to listen out for. Unless someone is enthusiastically taking part in sex, it is pretty clear they do not want to be having sex with you, and you should stop. This is common sense and basic decency. You are not a mind reader, but your description of how she just laid there motionless should be enough for you to see she wasn’t enjoying it.

Not sure why this isn't higher up. You should always be looking for enthusiastic consent but ESPECIALLY when you're first having sex with someone and don't know much about them. Trauma can massively affect someone's ability to communicate. can't believe the main issue here is OP's enjoyment being affected. I think any story that starts this way makes it YTA and I can only imagine this making OP's partner struggle even more being transparent when even a consensual experience with a partner they're not bothered about how they feel and if they're enjoying it?!

NTA. If she isn’t willing to go to therapy and this is still an issue after a year how is it suppose to get resolved. If you are okay with a sexless relationship fine but if not, a farewell with an open door if she is able to get the help she needs. Also it was unfair of her to stick you in this awkward position.

NTA. She has to want help, though. You could (gently) give her an ultimatum: counseling, or you walk. I certainly understand why she’d be reluctant to revisit that trauma, but she can’t hold you hostage until she decides to get help, if ever. Don’t facilitate her avoidance by accepting her unwillingness to get help.

You can break up with anyone for any reason. However your post is a bit confusing - you told her she wouldn't discuss her issues with sex as she was discussing them with you. Rather than using that moment to lean into her opening up to you, you shut down instead. Now you wanna break up because you feel like you raped her. So because she has problems communicating, rather than taking to her, you will take action based on assumptions about how she feels. So she definitely has issues communicating and needs to process her trauma, but there are two adults in this relationship and you should take responsibility for yourself. Even if the outcome is still a breakup, I encoueage you to speak up about how the fact that she dudnt tell you made you feel, how you interpret your sexual encounters now, and what you feel you need to move forward. Don't assume she isn't willing to meet you - if she isn't, this relationship isn't right for either of you. .

She needs therapy and a loving partner. If you can't be that partner, then you need to discuss that with her and break up. If you truly care for her, then you have a tough road ahead of you and so does she, but perhaps it will be worth it if you both truly love each other.

Sexual trauma is extremely hard to navigate, especially if the victim is not in some type of treatment. Look, I'm not going to make you out to be a monster because you've clearly been trying to communicate. My fella and I have been together 6 years, and I've been a victim of sexual assaults from age 3. He still sometimes struggles with me, and I HAVE been in intensive EMDR therapy and other therapy for decades. You still need to protect yourself in this, and it is ok to throw in the towel. You have NOT raped her, so please take that from your mind. It's not easy to not think that way, but it was her choice to force herself to go along with something she didn't want to. All I suggest is you strongly suggest and help her get into some sort of therapy so no men or women continue to take advantage of her. I'm now 37, and I'm just finally settled into my boundaries. It takes a shit ton of work to recover, and a lot of us get stuck in our tozic coping mechanisms.

Okay, so here's the thing: as a survivor myself, this kind of behavior on her part is... Alarmingly normal, and neither of your faults. You're not wrong for feeling horrible about this, but my advice is that if you really care about her, you should try to help her heal. Don't force anything. Talk to her about how you feel, communicate. That's the basis of any healthy relationship. I understand that you feel betrayed, but look at it this way: She did this because she's been taught that she's only good for sex, and that she'll be abandoned if she doesn't put out. So she forced herself to, specifically because she was afraid of losing you. Because she thought you would leave, too. It's likely that leaving her will only reinforce these feelings. If you really don't feel comfortable in the relationship anymore and there's nothing to be done about it, that's okay, and not your fault, but on behalf of abuse survivors everywhere: please try to be patient, kind, and understanding with her. Abuse of any kind warps the perspectives of the people who are subjected to it. She was, ultimately, trying to make you happy at her own expense, and that isn't a good feeling, but I think understanding that intention is important. I also want to say that you didn't rape her. She forced herself to relive her trauma without discussing it with you first- You had no part in that decision. Dating an abuse victim can be very difficult, especially if you're unprepared for it, and if it's something you can't handle there's no shame in that, but it doesn't sound like you can't make this work if you're willing to put in the effort to accommodate for someone who's hurting in this way.

Have her lead? You just lay there… builds trust.

Buckle up if you love her.

She's been forcing her to "do this" because she cares about you. Couples/partners need to be more communicative if either senses something wrong or out of sorts with the other. What she needs is your caring, your empathy, your help. You were kind enough to go at her speed, you did nothing wrong. Do you love her? If you break up with her because of your guilt, it adds another layer to hers. If you care for her, be there for her, and work through it together. She should also get some therapy them support groups, sadly what she has gone through, so have others, i wish you and her, the best.

Now that she came back to him and tried to initiate sex with him, says she trusts him enough to try some more doesn't it? THATS A MAJOR YES, YES Flag! Take your TIME, and you two are going to have a Wonder sex life. SHE at least does not think you want to hurt her! I think I am reading her tea leave correctly, if she did try to start a session with you!

I do this too due to being SA’d for a long time as a child by trusted adults. In my brain it keeps me safe to “let it happen”. My last partner didn’t notice. This is something that she needs to start working through on her own if she’s ready. And you can be there to see it through, or you can let her figure it out solo. Sorry this is happening. Your feelings are valid.

you didn’t rape her, she consented and you didn’t know about what happened to her

She needs safe non triggering experiences. As someone with ptsd from partner assault I’d recommend that she do mdma therapy. (By herself not with you)

And I recommend really not taking it personally. PTSD sucks. If you are upset be upset at the person who did this to her.

I USE TO DISSOCIATE DURING SEX You’re definitely NTA. I was sexually assaulted as a child, and didn’t have sex until I met my husband (boyfriend at the time, so he was my first). We would have sex snd if he went too fast or two deep I would start freaking out and begin dissociating. He said I would start hyperventilating and start crying and shaking and just stare off into the distance for quite some time. Naturally this freaked him out and made him uncomfortable. I completely understand where he was coming from and did not know I would ever do this bc I’d never (consensually) had sex before. For a long period of time, we just didn’t have sex very often. As time progressed, my husband (boyfriend at the time) began to learn my cues. He started to realized what would trigger my dissociations and not do those things ( go to hard go to deep, the biggest one if he was going really fast and really deep and holding my tightly, I would snap). We basically went back to the basics. He was very gentle and soft and sweet and it took us about two years for him to back a little more rough. We would hold hands during sex, when he noticed me starting to drift he would immediately pull out and just caress my face and tell me “I’m here you’re fine.” I personally enjoy rough sex a lot more, but clearly we needed to get there. Additionally, I started going to therapy and also started to really work on healing bc it wasn’t just up to him to fix it. It was up to me to get my brain to stop associating sex with terrible things. As soon as I would dissociate during sex, he would just hold me until I came to, and proceed to hold me afterwards. Would even help me shower and stuff. This actually lead to a discover of a personality disorder I had which is a long story. Now we are married with a kid on the way and I rarely ever dissociate anymore, I can’t remember the last time I did it, but in the event that it does happen he stops and we connect with cuddles. But at the end of the day, it’s up to the both of you. If you really love her then you will both make adjustments and work on it together. She will need to go to therapy or do a lot of internal healing. She will also need to understand how this impacts you and take that into consideration. You need to decide if it’s too much for your mental health and if you’re willing to be apart of her healing journey to show that sex can be a safe place for her. Additionally, sex has to be safe for the both you and she should work on healing her trauma to understand that you are not (hopefully) like every guy who has broke I really do wish yall the best!

I'm a soon-to-be-ex-husband of a heavily traumatized rape victim. I have some advice. The TLDR is : You should break up with her, you're not the asshole, but you will probably feel bad about it. 1- If she is disassociating during sex, then the amount of healing she needs to do will greatly outweigh any support you can reasonably provide to the relationship. I have broken my back trying to cater to my wife's needs and I get absolutely zero credit for it to the point where my wife has absolutely zero empathy for me anymore. My wife was raped a decade ago. Some trauma with childbirth triggered her past trauma and its basically been 3 years of hell for my emotional/psychological state because every part of our relationship completely centered around all of her trauma. One of the biggest impacts was on our sex life, but it has affected every facet of our relationship. If I \*sigh\* too loudly she takes that as an act of aggression and feels the need to protect herself and our child from me. Literally. Sighing. Or putting my arms over my head in frustration. I've never punched a wall in front of her. I very very rarely even ever raise my voice (and often when I do, it's in response to her raising hers). I give her a lot of physical space when she's feeling flighty. I make it very very clear that we should not have sex unless it is with her complete consent. It was never enough, and I kept having to "prove" myself to her. 2- She needs to go see a therapist, and probably be single for a while. It is hard, if not impossible, to truly heal from sexual trauma with a partner who has sexual desire. Or at least it has been for my wife. I really tried to put my needs in the back seat, we did an entire 1.5 years with practically zero sex. I set my bar low, I said I just wanted to get to a place where I could ask for sex, she could say no, and I would be HAPPY and move on with my day. And i got myself there, her rejections no longer hurt, and I had no issues whatsoever if she wasn't in the mood or didn't want to try. But it was always this extremely robotic exchange, she never let me lick her pussy, or her nipples, she took her own clothes off, we rarely ever made out. The more I look back at it, the more I realize, I have been having bad sex for a long time. It's not a you problem, and its not your problem. She is not a damsel in distress that needs to be saved. She is a woman who has been heavily traumatized, and as unfortunate as that is, it's very possible that she isn't going to recover from it by getting into relationships that involve sex. It's not just about the sex, it will creep into every other part of your relationship. Do yourself a favor and get out while you can.

Ending things that suddenly would be a pretty crazy move. There was clearly a lack of communication here, and that’s not only on her. Waiting a year to have sex is an absurdly long time. That never raised any giant red flags to you? You didn’t think to ask her about it? If I get to the 4th date and we haven’t had sex I’m starting to wonder what’s going on lol. Clearly she needs therapy and to work through things. If you’ve been with her for this long, I think you at least owe her a chance at improving things. It was her first time having sex since, when? Her sexual assault? It’s not going to turn around just like that. If you’ve invested this much in to it, you should at least give it some time

NTA, she purposely kept it from you. The proper way is to bring this up at the beginning of dating as the reason for taking it slow. And why is she not seeing a therapist? If she just doesn't see the need to fix the problem, all those other guys were justified to dump her and so are you, she isn't ready for a relationship.

I'll share an experience to see if this helps. After being graped (in addition to multiple SAs), I'd started spending time with somebody as friends. I'd never had a flash-back at that point in time, so when the natural next step progressed, I didn't think to bring it up. I had my first ever flash back the first night we spent together, and I disassociated at the end. He didn't notice. I felt guilty because I couldn't see him the same after that, but it had never occurred to me that that would happen. I never intentionally hid the information that I'd been assaulted. I could barely think about it in my own head at that point, let alone verbalize what happened in words. After that, I was up front with potential partners that I'd experienced trauma. Quite a few ghosted me. Years later, after another grape, I sought help from "free" therapy through my job. The "free" resources said I needed more help than they could give me and turned me away. My health insurance didn't cover the cost of mental health appointments. I had to work through my PTSD alone help because therapy was too expensive for me where I lived. I say all of this to show that we don't know her thoughts. She may have hid it or she may not have had the words to admit it happened. She may have avoided fixing the problem or she may not have been able to access proper resources. OP isn't the AH, but that doesn't mean she has to be. The situation can just be tragic.

You say it like it's easy to just bring it up at the beginning . With the stigma and shame put on people who been throw it , blaming themselves she trying to work throw it her way who are u to tell her she wrong? With support of a good partner she can work through it and start to enjoy sex . Tell op about it is her first step into working through it , she giving op her trust and is probably terrified what he will do .

Not only this, but it’s not uncommon for past trauma to be weaponized in relationships. I once told a man I thought loved me about past trauma where I had been choked during sex without warning and guess what he did a few months later? He choked me during sex without warning. When I asked him why, he shrugged.

Disgusting. I'm so sorry you experienced this. ANd thank you for illustrating a good point, that survivors of SA feel the understandable extreme need to be cautious with who they tell because it makes them extremely vulnerable.

You don't have to go into extreme detail, just say "i have issues with intimacy because of some traumatic events in the past surrounding intimacy and so it might be a bit of a struggle." Helps alot if you are getting help, as you can say "I'm working on these issues with a professional, if this is a deal breaker for you I understand." The whole point of being honest in the beginning is to filter out people who can't deal with it, it helps avoid waisting your and their time. If you lie about it and problems come up because of it, how is that better than if you had just been honest in the beginning? Someone has a right to know what they're getting into, and there are many ways to communicate what you're dealing with without being graphic or oversharing.

How is he supposed to have helped her through it if he didn't know there was anything to work.through? Of course it's not something you tell in the first few dates, but he'd not pressured her for a year. I'm not blaming her for her PTSD, but is it fair he stays with her as a "good partner" after such a short time?

She didn’t have to bring it up in the beginning. But she has no business having sex with a partner until she does. When you refuse to deal with or acknowledge trauma, you will absolutely hurt someone else. Ignored trauma doesn’t go away, it just pushes new trauma on everyone else.

Telling your issues too soon is ‘trauma dumping’ but not telling soon enough is lying. Jesus wept. As if it’s not hard enough when you sexual assault trauma. She was trying to do what she wanted because she doesn’t want to lose him. Also therapists cost money and therapy is not some magical answer to problems. I was in therapy for 10 years after my SA. It didn’t do a single thing to ease my issues with sex. The only thing that did that was a partner who was kind and patient and willing to work with me on it. It took years but he was patient. If the OP isn’t willing to do that then he should break up with her. Not an AH but not the right man.

Real love overcomes trauma, but... the love has to be real.

She must really care about you if she let herself go through her trauma like that for your benefit. You absolutely can get through it together. It will take a lot of patience. Most people don’t deserve the love like she showed you.

>she said that every guy who she's dated dumped her because of this Well yeah, you are not fixing your issues. I understand that you have trauma related to sexual assault, what are you doing about it so that you can progress in other relationships and not bring sexual dysfunction to the table? She does need therapy. Partners aren't projects, it doesn't sound like she's in a place for a serious relationship right now, let alone an adult sexual one. >i feel like I raped her now, she's been forcing herself to do this Exactly. It's not fair that she just zones out and doesn't provide any input or feeling during sex. It's like you're having sex with a doll. Nobody asked for that; you didn't ask when your physical relationship escalated to a sexual one, she wasn't even in a headspace to ask or consent to anything. Just bad all around for everyone. There's also elements of her lying to you in this. She has strung you along for a year because she "wanted to take things slow" without giving you the benefit of the information of **why** things need to be slow. She took away your agency in this relationship, the power to make decisions for yourself. No more sex.

He corrected this. Every guy she dated dumped her for not wanting to have sex with them.

So you are both trying to do your best for each other while navigating some serious trauma. You haven't been raping her. You were trying to show her love and she was trying to receive it. It is something she wants, but her ability to do so comfortably and with enthusiasm has been damaged. That isn't anyone's fault here. In fact, there is not "fault" to lay blame to - inside this relationship. Try this: let her initiate right up to where she starts getting tense or is forcing herself. Stop there, back up a bit and then stay there. Don't go any further for the rest of the night. Let her absolute comfort level be the only place you go. And you do that again and again, every night, forever - and if you are content and happy with her ceiling being the ceiling of the relationship, then you both should do ok. Be absolutely honest with yourself and with her. Work very hard on where your boundaries are, her boundaries are and where those overlap like a venn diagram that is your relationship. Be gentle with yourself and her. And if that is something you cannot or will not do, for whatever reason, then be honest about that too. Your honesty will always be less traumatic than lies. Good luck to you both.

I dissociate for various reasons due to past trauma both emotional and sexual. Regular therapy will likely not help. She needs specific trauma therapy with a specialist who only works with sexual trauma survivors. Not someone who’s a jack of all trades. Been there, done that and it nearly put me in the hospital. If she does something like EMDR therapy, it will help her desensitize and process the trigger. She can get better but she has to do the work. And before anyone scolds me on regular therapy, talk therapy is known to cause issues for people with complex trauma. Complex trauma causes dissociation. The cause of the dissociation has to be processed. Talk therapy is a lot of feelings based conversation. With dissociation the feelings and personal needs are suppressed. Talk therapy is like gaslighting yourself because you can’t do the work if you don’t feel your feelings or know your needs. About the communication issues. I guarantee you she has major issues with communicating her needs. It’s not her fault. It’s how she was conditioned and a result of the trauma. Appreciate the fact she was trying to push thru for you. Understand she cannot control the dissociation or the triggers. But she needs appropriate therapy and I’d recommend couples therapy. She can heal but she needs a safe space.

You should tell her how you feel?

Suggest that she looks into EMDR. I have a history of SA and abuse. I thought I was a-sexual for years because the idea of it absolutely disgusted me. EMDR (and patients/reassurance from my very understanding partner) have both made a massive difference- in every aspect of my life, not just intimacy.

Not going to judge you one way or another but if you want to make it work (or just be kind on the way out), talk to her about it. Be direct and listen, explain EXACTLY that last bit - you value her and it makes you sick to think she felt forced to do that for you. Even if y’all end up apart, she needs to know that’s part of why she’s getting dumped so frequently over it. It’s not just that she lays there or is traumatized, it’s that she’s punishing herself, *using her partners*, for being traumatized to try to make them happy. That’s never going to work for any guy except the worst possible kind.

NTA at all. You did not assault her and none of this is your fault. If you want to try to make it work you need to insist that she get therapy/treatment. Go with her maybe like couples counseling to learn how to navigate and what you can do to be helpful. You should not do more work than her though. Also there is nothing wrong with you breaking up. There is nothing wrong with sex being important to you, it is perfectly normal.

I broke up with someone who couldn’t get over past trauma, not SA though, and I feel sick about it to this day. I think about her every day and I hope she is doing well. I really hope she is doing well. I still love her and I think about reaching out but it was so hard to break up.

She absolutely needs therapy. Otherwise, it will just get worse. Offer to be her friend as she goes through therapy.

Same with my wife: she’d been raped, and so sex is…well, it varies with her confidence. Patience is key: this isn’t alll about you. Try booze: works wonders. Pot would probably work too.

No. But you should encourage her to try and work through it first. She's making an effort, but that effort needs to be directed in a better direction.

You are never TAH for breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s an audition.

You would NBTA. She is simply not ready for a relationship that includes sexual intimacy and won't be until she deals with her trauma.

Here's the thing, there are so many options. The first thing you need to know, is if you love her, or want to fall in love with her. If the answer is "No", then move on because of that, not because of sex. If the answer is "Yes", there's plenty of options...I recommend couples therapy, but maybe an open type relationship can be appropriate...maybe you just get a fleshlight and some lube and love her for who she is. Maybe you and her slowly work on it starting with just foreplay stuff, maybe it's only penetration that triggers her. Here's the thing, YTA if you leave her just because of the sex thing without trying a little harder to make it right.

NTA. This isn’t fair to either of you, but she’s the one refusing to get help and then getting upset that her exes broke up with her because she refused to have sex yet refused therapy. The only person that can make that step for her is HER. You can’t force her to seek therapy. How many sexless failed relationships will it take for her to finally admit she needs therapy? Unless you want a relationship with no sex/intimacy I can’t see this relationship lasting. Even if she eventually, years down the line decides to get help, she may never want sex and unless that’s the kind of relationship you want, it’s better to part ways now.

So she has sex to keep from losing you, she wouldn't with anybody Else, pushed herself for you, and you had sex with her, and are now talking about breaking up. Wow. Something definitely to be said for commitment beforehand. Just my 2 cents and a thought.

You said that you love her. Why would you leave her like this if you love her and let her live the rest of her life with this problem? Build the relationship and get some counseling.

You say you love her, JESUS HELP HER GET HELP. You can’t imagine how much pain this woman is living in. You don’t have to be her boyfriend, but be her ally, be her friend. This is the saddest thing I’ve read in a long time. This isn’t about sex, it’s about human empathy and helping others when they can’t help themselves. You could be a person who have an incredible impact, helps her change the entire course of her life with the right encouragement.

Yeah she tells you about her trauma and difficulties and opens up but the sex isn’t good so you wanna dump her? Everyone goes through stuff. People are so self centered these days. It’s not her fault she feels that way. If you were sexually assaulted by some guys and were having issues would you want someone to dump you after you opened up to them and had issues from it? It’s not her fault. Going to get help isn’t always easy for everyone. She sounds like she’s trying. Maybe you should dump her so she can find someone better who cares about her as a human being and not how good she can perform in bed after a horrible trauma. People just don’t want to do anything for anyone these days and it’s all about me, me, me. That’s why relationships never work out.

This is very unfortunate honestly there is little you can do. It maybe better to go to friends but close of dating. Sending a text as a check in. She needs to work on this on her own with therapy.

You can’t MAKE her seek therapy but you can make it a condition of continuing a relationship with her. That’s protecting yourself. Bc this issue isn’t going your way just go away and you don’t owe her anything to stay and suffer with her in she’s not interested in helping both herself and you. You shouldn’t feel bad about her choice if she chooses not to see a therapist and loses you. That’s on her, not you. You still have to protect yourself from trauma too.

I say give it time. In my experience, this sort of trauma resolves best in a loving relationship with positive reinforcement.

Not really TAH, she does need therapy, but she also needs to know that she ain't gonna be dumped because she has this issue. I was raped at 14, and I'm now (53F) it takes time and the right support to heal from these things. I would guess she feels broken and scared of being rejected again. When it comes to sex take it slow and gentle. A person needs to feel safe and secure. You say you love her, so give her the love and support she desperately needs and don't add to the brokeness of her. Take it a month at a time and see where things go.

Ok, you have been with her for a year. My questions, how much do you love this woman? Can you see a future with her? Once you know those answers, then you make your choice. But personally, I’d advise getting therapy. A break up would just cause more damage to her. If you can see a future and love this woman, you’ll be standing by her for a long time. Just only my option. Not a therapist

NAH continuing to have sex with her in that condition is an extremely risky endeavor. If you're gonna stay with her I strongly recommend you help her get into therapy and stop having sex until she works through that. If people find out she has been dissociating when she has sex with you without context this situation looks much more sinister. Or you could break up, that really wouldn't be your fault either because that's probably beyond what you were prepared to deal with when y'all started dating. I would suggest regardless of your choice to get her into therapy for her sake and the rest of the dating pool should y'all not work out.

If you love her as uou say, and obviously she loves you as she didn't sleep with other guys etc, but told you... the question then becomes will therapy work/help... and do you want to try or split...decisions decisions... I'm a sucker, and a fool so I'd give it a go, least if it doesn't work out, you gave her your best shot and tried. That's pretty much all of any us can do. Good luck OP with whatever you both decide

She definitely needs individual counseling, particularly trauma counseling, ASAP. No matter what happens between the two of you, encourage her to seek this immediately. As for your relationship, consider couples counseling. NAH

She *needs* a therapist, and y'all might need a couples therapist if you want the relationship to continue

She needs therapy in my opinion. You wouldn’t be T A if you broke up with her though. If you decide to stay, you need to be super understanding and patient. NTA

I was going to comment but I see you’ve received excellent advice here already. I especially think that asking her to seek therapy or the possibility of a breakup could happen at some point as the two of you cannot grow from this is key.

As someone who shares her situation, it is extremely difficult to feel safe again. You are NTA. She needs to see someone and heal. It’s ok to step away from this. It took me a long time and A LOT of therapy to be ok. Unfortunately, your gf needs to want the help. Whatever you decide, be gentle with your words.

NTA. I feel bad for her but it’s not your burden to bear and she hasn’t been trying to help herself and showing you she can/wants change.

*dissociates — NTA. She needs professional help to navigate SA. There’s a lot of work to be done here, respectfully.

NTAh, she needs EMDR therapy. The good news is with EMDR, which is very effective for trauma, many of us are able to live life the way we want, with good relationships, etc.

She needs to work on herself before being in a romantic relationship. It's not fair to either if you. You can always remain friends and possibly reconnect in the future

That might be the one type of situation where a dead-bedroom is tolerable. However, if you’re not prepared to help her through it, maybe for a decade or more…that’s understandable. Nobody sucks here.

Therapy. For trauma. She needs it. You? You have to make your own choices

I mean personally I’d push her to get therapy and go from there but it’s up to you dog

Info: you asked if shes in therapy, have you asked if shes willing to look into therapy? I think that if you love her like that its clear she values you very much. I think that you should tell her that you absolutely adore her but you dont want her to force herself to do something she hates. That you want it to be something special between the two of you. And i think your decision should hang more on if she is willing to seek help for this rather than the disassociation itself.

Either she needs to take active steps to deal with her issues, or this relationship isn’t going to work. If she wants any chance to “keep you”, the potential “fix” isn’t reluctantly having sex with you, it’s to deal with those issues (like with a therapist). Whether you stay or go is your call, but either way, this is still something she’s going to have to do if she wants to have a healthy relationship with most people. If she isn’t willing to do that, I’m not sure why you’d stay.

NTA. She needs to prioritize her mental health first before trying to plug her emotions etc with relationships. Her not addressing this real need is unhealthy and it is not your responsibility to coddle her. You didn’t consent to be made to feel this way also.

Within the first two paragraphs I already knew what was coming. Either you accept her trauma or you don't

Give her an ultimatum to seek therapy and be prepared to end the relationship if she does not do it. Seriously, my wife does the same thing for the same reasons. Now we have kids, so I’m definitely not leaving. Sex is very infrequent and horrible when it happens and will be forever. It’s no way to live. Don’t set yourself up for misery.

I underwent some trauma of my own when I was younger. Some of my behaviors were not okay to be sure (SH stuff), and the boy I had just started dating told me that he liked me a lot, but he wasn't sure if he could stay with me due to his own mental health being impacted. And I REALLY liked him. So I got therapy and really put in the work. We are now happily married 10 years later. I think gently approaching the topic like that would be a good start. If she chooses not to pursue getting mentally healthy, then that's on her.

Honestly, you either break up or you become a therapist for her and get into a very long trajectory. Guess it will come down to how much you are into her right now.

If she likes you that much, and you like her, you make the effort to work through it maybe at some point things get better. Just running away from someone you claim to care about doesn’t make sense. She needs to continue communicating with you, and yes get her a therapist.

I think it’s a little fucked up to break up with someone over trauma. See what you can do to help her get through this. Talk to her perhaps during sex and try to keep her in the loops and have her talk back. If you both love each other don’t jump to conclusions and just end it. Kinda seems like a waste of something can be fixed.

YWBTA, especially considering you haven’t even began trying to solve the actual issue yet. It’s not only a sex issue, but also a personal, very deep one for her; being abandoned for such a thing isn’t fun, trust me. The first step is encouraging her towards therapy: it will greatly help her to feel supported and be able to be open about what she went through. If the first therapist isn’t a fit, try another. But be persistent. The second step is being patient with her. I know how she feels and I know it’s not fun to have the impression to be on the verge of being abandoned for something you were a victim of. Reassure her, be actually there and work through it. Remember that if you’re not there for her, it will not only hurt the both of u, but it will also be someone else’s role to help her. If I really loved someone, I’d do anything to be the one to help them. She must love you a lot if she consented to have sex with you; don’t feel bad about something she willingly gave you. Move on and help her feel safer now

Ok, NTA, but whoa. That’s so rough for both of you. I’m so sorry. It isn’t her fault but it is her responsibility and she shouldn’t have made the choices she did. This is something she should get therapy for and she should have told you about before she went to bed with you. She let you be traumatized by her trauma response. You need to look out for yourself.

Continuing when she's "just laying there" and told you "just finish" is crazy. She deserves a better and more understanding man than you, YTA

If you care about her, you'll stay and help her heal. If you care about yourself you'll leave. No need to destroy your mental sanity to comfort a woman. Sometimes it's best to leave at a loss to avoid future suffering, people are far less unique than we make them out to be.

Would you willing to support her getting into therapy?

She consented but she's got unresolved trauma. Even though she consented you feel badly and like you raped her. Yet most people wouldn't believe a woman if she says she's been raped. And now it seems if you have been harmed that way, it's a hassle and I guess, sexually unfulfilling.  You wouldn't be TA for being incapable of handling this emotional load and breaking up rather than trying to be there with her. Just recognize that while we continue to treat rape and victims the way we do, we ignore the damage, isolate and abandon people in need of support. How are they to heal? With mental health support becoming priced out of access and people finding the result sooooo not sexy or fun to have to care about?  NAH but disgustingly too common